weekend open thread — July 27-28, 2024

by Alison Green on July 26, 2024

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Sandwich, by Catherine Newman. This is the story of a family during their summer beach vacation, as the mom struggles with menopause, her kids getting older, and her aging parents. There are some very vivid descriptions of sandwiches, as well as the push and pull of family.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. Recommendations or one to two updates on things you received advice about in the past are fine, but “here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed. We also can’t do medical advice here.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

  2. nnn*

    Reading thread! What is everyone reading? I just started Margo’s Got Money Troubles which was a recommendation of AAM’s a few weeks ago and I am loving it so far. It’s funny but with heart.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Those Beyond the Wall by Micaiah Johnson, the sequel to her excellent The Space Between Worlds. It’s about the people living in a post-apocalyptic society who find kindness where you wouldn’t expect it. Centered on Mr. Scales, one of the runners who appeared briefly in the first book, and characters from there reappear but through a different lens. So good I am now rereading the first book with the revelations of the second in mind.

      Daughter of the Merciful Deep by Leslye Penelope, about a Black town in the 1930s which is destined to be flooded by construction of a dam. Unless magic offers a way out for everybody. I really loved her previous book but this one didn’t land. Good: very strong sense of place, and I liked the idea of a magical system rooted in gifts freely given from the ancestors to their descendants. But I felt like I knew what was going to happen, and not in the way where you are obsessed with learning how. The heroine is mute after past trauma, and while the shame and hunkering down around that are believable and very well drawn, it meant she wound up being rather passive.

    2. GoryDetails*

      The Malevolent Seven by Sebastien de Castell, a dark fantasy adventure in which the protagonists are self-proclaimed Very Bad People – mages who work as mercenaries for the highest bidder. They bicker and brawl and turn on each other – and yet some of them do seem to have their own standards, of a sort… It turns into a quest-story with side-quests, unusual characters, lots of different types of magic, and some interesting twists and turns.

      The Family Plot by Megan Collins, about a family dedicated to the victims of serial killers – by which I mean they named their children after celebrated victims, conduct classes in the details of the murders, and do all this from their home on a remote wooded island, which is also the haunt of a famous and yet-unidentified killer. So, a typical upbringing, right? When the family patriarch dies and a long-dead body is found in his grave-plot, one that seems to be the family’s long-missing son, the story kicks into gear.

      1. Andromeda*

        Interested by Malevolent Seven — I tend to like stories about (non-annoying, non-unconscionable) awful people, and I like off-the-wall magic/power systems.

        Would you say the story is invested in getting us to like them, in a traditional sense, as opposed to being intrigued or hate-watching them? That is my main pet peeve in “protagonists are terrible” genre books and, if the author is not careful, can lead to some truly awful things being completely uncommented on.

        Example, because I want to rant about it: one thriller I read had its main character slip her depressed friend antidepressants without him knowing, and this was portrayed as an “unscrupulous but good” thing to do. I was so angry! Beyond the obvious bodily autonomy and consent issues… What happens if her friend, feeling a bit better, goes to the doctor feeling ready for treatment and doesn’t realise he has antidepressants in his system already? What if he has a reaction???

        1. GoryDetails*

          Re Malevolent Seven: It’s pretty clear we’re meant to like them to some degree, though just how far that goes would depend on individual tastes. (The rat-mage is practically Pixar-style Puss In Boots!)

      2. Sitting Pretty*

        Thanks for the recommendation! I just put the Space Between Words on my list at the library. I’m really needing books that show the kinder, more cooperative possibilities of a human society in crisis.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      Rereading continues: now it’s A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. Also finally making progress with What You Are Looking For is in the Library, a very sweet Japanese novel about various people, dissatisfied with their lives, who all go to the same library, meet the same librarian, and read a book that prompts change in their lives. Love the cover, too!

            1. Elizabeth West*

              That’s a good one.
              I did not like Maggie Now, however. I HATED the ending. HATED it.

      2. Rosyglasses*

        Oooh I just emailed my independent bookstore to order that Japanese novel! Sounds so delicious – similar to the vibe of “Before the Coffee Gets Cold” (highly recommend, also a Japanese author).

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      Rereading “The 7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle” – it’s really fun because I remember the general gist of how it ended but not the details so it’s still a mystery but I get to feel smart about it, haha.

      1. Bandit and Pepper*

        I just started re-reading (actually re-listening to the audiobook) this, too! I remember loving it so much the first time I read it, but the audiobook has been harder to get into, strangely enough. I think I just don’t care for the actor’s voice.

        1. Same*

          Same! I thought I was the only one who didn’t like it. On the other hand his second novel is great!

          1. Dark Macadamia*

            The boat one? I found it so boring I gave up less than halfway through, and I almost NEVER abandon books. I could not tell you a thing about it beyond what the cover looked like.

      3. Alanna of Trebond*

        I just did the same except I got my book club to join me. A couple of them loved it and it wasn’t the cup of tea for a few!

    5. Sparkle Llama*

      I am reading How to Stop Time and listening to The Feather Thief. Enjoying both of them.

      I have found several good books this summer through my library’s summer reading program that has a variety of challenges. I have one left – I need to read something about extra terrestrials. Any suggestions that are approachable to someone not super into sci fi and likely to be available through Libby with minimal wait.

      1. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

        I liked Station Eternity by Mur Lafferty. It’s a mystery set on an alien space station. The protagonist goes there as the first human because she wants to leave behind her life on earth where she keeps getting mixed up in murders.

      2. Lore*

        Connie Willis, The Road to Roswell: screwball romcom that kicks off with an alien abduction

      3. AGD*

        Illegal Alien by Robert J. Sawyer. Murder mystery that happens to have an extraterrestrial defendant.

        1. Meh*

          I remember reading that a long time ago. Don’t remember many details now but the premise was interesting and interestingly developed.

      4. OtterB*

        The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet by Becky Chambers. Main character takes a job managing administration for a spaceship whose crew includes various extraterrestrials. Found family vibe. Available on Libby.

        Our Child of the Stars by Stephen Cox, about a couple in the Woodstock era who adopt a little boy who is found injured after a meteor strike. Doesn’t seem to be on Libby, though.

        1. Smol Book Wizard*

          okay, I am definitely so checking out Our Child of the Stars. magical/fantastical child adoption is possibly my favorite genre in the world.

        2. RC*

          Oh I love everything Becky Chambers. I think the third book (Record of a Spaceborn Few) and the 4th one (The Galaxy and the Ground Within) are my favorites. #3 is about post-post-apocalyptic humans (it is hopeful I promise) and #4 has nearly no humans in it at all but is also has themes of found families and reproductive choices and expectations and post-colonial repercussions and how to right them.

      5. Sparkle Llama*

        Thanks for the suggestions! I love the idea of a sci fi setting for a mystery since I read a lot of mysteries!

      6. Ali + Nino*

        I loved The Feather Thief!! just my type of book (I read it didn’t listen to the audiobook)

    6. chocolate muffins*

      Just finished Where the Crawdads Sing, which had absolutely *gorgeous* writing in my opinion and was one of the most melancholy books I’ve ever read, in a good way.

    7. Mitchell Hundred*

      I recently read “Paying The Land” by Joe Sacco. It’s a journalistic graphic novel where he goes to the northern part of Canada and interviews a bunch of people about the region’s history and contemporary social problems. As a Canadian (albeit a white one who is decidedly not from the Northwest Territories) I was aware of some of the stuff he talks about, but he goes way more in-depth than I expected. It’s a brilliant work, highly recommended.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Oh, wow! This looks fantastic! I’ve ordered it at the library. Thank you for this.

    8. Jackalope*

      I’m currently reading a book called The Sisters Grimm by Menna van Praag. It’s a fun fantasy so far and includes 4 characters who are all aligned with the 4 elements (fire, water, earth, and air). I feel like it’s proceeding a bit more slowly than I would like but otherwise I’m enjoying it.

      1. English Rose*

        I haven’t read that one, but I enjoyed her Dress Shop of Dreams and House at the End of Hope Street. Thanks for the reminder about her.

    10. Writerling*

      I couldn’t tell you how The False Prince ended up on my reading list but I finally finished it this week, didn’t expect that plot twist so I gobbled the end quicker than the rest.

      Also reading Sounds Fake But Okay which is great, makes me want to re-read Ace.

    11. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I just started I Want To Die But I Want To Way Tteokbokki by Baek Sehee.

      Mixed feeling so far, especially because I find the narration very dry. Almost too dry to relate to, despite the intro saying the author’s intention was to help people connect with her experience. I’ll press on because I’m interested in the concept of a therapy memoir, and it’s taken many months to get to the top of the library queue (I doubt Libby will let me renew it).

      1. Mrs. Frisby*

        This might not be exactly what you’re looking for, but I really loved Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb. She’s a therapist, but she also talks about her experience in therapy (as well as following the stories of a few clients). One of those that I did not expect to love as much as I did–it might fit under the umbrella of therapy memoir.

    12. BikeWalkBarb*

      Thanks to a recommendation here a while back I recently tore through the first three Ruth Galloway mysteries by Elly Griffiths and just teed up #4. I wish Dr. Galloway didn’t beat up on herself so much over her body size but she’s smart and isn’t afraid to let it show.

      Read Mr. Mercedes–first Stephen King I’ve read in a long time–and have the sequel Finders Keepers in my Kindle to read after the Ruth Galloway.

      In between those, since I’m apparently in a mystery mood, I read Silent in the Grave, the first in Deanna Raybourn’s Lady Julia Grey mystery series. I really liked Raybourn’s Victoria Speedwell series, about a lepidopterist who ends up solving mysteries, so I’m heading into this series if my library has the rest of them.

      Also read Justina Ireland’s Rust in the Root. Her book Dread Nation and the sequel were great. This one is also good, not set in the same alternate history but its own kind of alternate history with a blight and disagreement between users of a form of magic and others who apply the magic to mechanical uses, sort of steampunkish.

      (Going to a conference across the country for a week gave me a lot of reading time while traveling.)

      Every week this thread gives me more things to add to my library request list. So many books, so little time.

      1. Aquatic*

        I gave up on Ruth Galloway because I just didn’t want to be an audience for her to hate her body. But then I missed the rest of her and the gang so I tried skipping ahead a few books. It gets better!

    13. Six Feldspar*

      I’m on a roll with the Discworld books and about halfway through rereading Feet of Clay, definitely one of my favourites

      1. Smol Book Wizard*

        I want to re-read the City Watch collection because I remember them being fabulous (and I never did get to Nights Watch because I uh… don’t usually like time travel) but Carrot and Angua are my dears.

        2. GoryDetails*

          Do give Night Watch a try – it’s hilarious and poignant, and features some marvelous scenes with a young Vetinari!

        3. Goldbirch*

          Unlurking to say that I also don’t usually like time travel, but when I finally read Night Watch anyway, I did actually enjoy it! (Okay, I still didn’t adore the time travel element, specifically; but I’ve re-read Night Watch multiple times, which I have never ever done with any other time travel book). YMMV.

    14. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Found in an independent bookshop on my holiday, bought and read within two days:

      Anxious People by Fredrik Backman.

      It’s hilarious, sad, heart warming. The author is very clever (and I’d say he knows it) and there are a bunch of small and bigger twists, which sometimes feel like going back on yourself within the story but ultimately leads to a very satisfying ending.
      It’s apparently also been adapted by Netflix, though I can’t think how they’d be able to keep some of the twists in a visual medium.

      1. Weavinglibrarian*

        I started Anxious People unsure what I was getting into, and then loved it.

      2. Rosyglasses*

        I might have to try that one! I LOVED “A Man called Ove” (which I think was made into a movie of a slightly different name with Tom Hanks?). It was SO very poignant and beautiful.

    15. English Rose*

      I’m on a non-fiction style book binge at the moment. Just finished Style and Substance, by Bay Garnett, a series of essays and interviews old and new about what we wear and have done over the years. Both fun and educational.
      Now part way through Big Dress Energy by Shakaila Forbes Bell, on the psychology of clothing, which is a whole lot more fun than it might sound!

    16. Tradd*

      I just finished There Will Be Fire, about the IRA’s assassination attempt on UK PM Margaret Thatcher in 1984 that came close to succeeding. I love history and am fascinated by UK history.

        1. Tradd*

          Yes, it was excellent. Much more info on the IRA than I knew other than vague stuff about “The Troubles.” What was really interesting was that the Brits scoffed about the Secret Service way of sweeping everything, etc., earlier in 1984, I think, when Reagan came with meet with Thatcher. After the assassination attempt, the Brits belatedly realized the way the Secret Service operated was the much thorough method.

      2. Ali + Nino*

        If you’re interested in that you might also like Say Nothing by Patrick Radden Keefe (if you haven’t already read it). very gripping

    17. The OG Sleepless*

      I read “I Hope This Finds You Well,” one of Alison’s recs from a while back, and it was delightful.

    18. RussianInTexas*

      Just finished the book 4 in the Pierce Brown’s Red Rising sci-fi series.
      Set 10 years after the end of the previous and at that time final book, it’s interesting to see how the main character, the hero, is actually might be actually a villain for many, even those he fought for, how the revolution eats it’s own children, and how democracy can be extremely fragile.

    19. Undergarment nerd*

      I recently started re-reading The Muqqadimah by Abd Al-Raman Ibn Khaldûn Al-Hadradi (usually just referred to as Ibn Khaldûn). Been a while since I read it.

      That said, does anyone know of an unabridged version or even the full book series and not just the Muqqadimah*? Seems I can only find abridged versions and I’d like to read the whole thing, but my Arabic is limited to 1) spoken and 2) mostly phrases that would get me into serious trouble when used.

      * for those who don’t know: Ibn Khaldûn wrote a series of books about the rise and fall of several empires. The Muqqadimah is the first book and is the introduction to the work, but it’s already so complete that the other books are often not read. And apparently we can’t even be bothered to translate the entire thing but insist on abridging it for…I don’t know, money reasons? Lack of time? Who knows.

    20. Lore*

      I just finished The Warmth of Other Suns (was reading it before the NYT list came out, coincidentally!) and cannot believe it took me this long given that I’ve had a copy on my shelf for literally years. It is just incredible. Also digging into The Freaks Came Out to Write, an oral history of The Village Voice, which may be of more local interest, but I love a good oral history. And finally a plug for Morgan Talty’s Fire Exit, which is sneakily devastating. (I read his Night of the Living Rez and Tommy Orange’s There There around the same time and preferred Talty, perhaps just because the New England setting speaks to me, so I put Fire Exit ahead of Wandering Stars, but I’ll get to Wandering Stars this year too, I hope.

      1. Sitting Pretty*

        I’m just now learning of Morgan Talty, thank you! I’ll check him out. I love Tommy Orange so it will be great to have a new-to-me author to read.

    21. Bibliovore*

      We’ll Prescribe You a Cat Syou Ishida, E. Madison Shimoda (Translated by)
      On Sale Date: September 3, 2024.
      Read in galley. Just what the doctor ordered. In interlinked short stories, people with various ailments are at wits end when a friend of a friend recommends an out of the way clinic. The physician prescribes them a cat.

        1. Rosyglasses*

          I may have replied to you upthread – but “Before the Coffee Gets Cold” is a Japanese collection of short stories about a mystical out of the way coffee shop where you can visit the past and it is heartwarming, melancholy, and lovely all at once.

        2. Helvetica*

          Much less cosy but “Nails and Eyes” by Kaori Fujino is a tense, subtle horror story that is more unsettling than truly frightening. Not everybody’s cup of tea but I was fascinated by it.

          1. GoryDetails*

            “Nails and Eyes” sounds like something I’d enjoy – thanks for mentioning it!

    22. Cardboard Marmalade*

      I blew through the audiobook version of Margo’s Got Money Troubles last week and really enjoyed it. Same deal, I saw the recommendation here.

    23. carcinization*

      Mandanna’s The Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches. I have to say I’m not a fan, I somehow didn’t realize that it’s basically a romance novel. For a book I thought would be similar, I liked Legends and Lattes much better, the romance seemed way more balanced with the other plot things in that one. Not disparaging people who enjoy romances, just not my thing!

    24. Margarita Claire*

      Just finished Kate Quinn’s The Briar Club, which was marvelous! Working my way through a biography of Ben Franklin. It’s interesting, but non-fiction is always a much slower read for me.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        I just finished Kate Quinn’s The Rose Code! It was definitely a page-turner, even if I couldn’t conceptualize all the technical details she described.

        Now I’m reading Adrenaline 2000: The Year’s Best Stories of Adventure and Survival edited by Clint Willis. ok, so it’s not recent – but great writing holds up. easy to pick up and put down and I love a good adventure.

    25. Nervous Nellie*

      A stack for me this week. I have a little time off coming, so I have loaded up!

      Still dreamily basking in wartime Egypt in The Alexandria Quartet by Lawrence Durrell, but also starting to dip into:

      The Gnostics by Jacques Lacarriere, a poetic study of an extinct religious sect that believed that the creation of humanity was gross mistake, and that we each have a spark of the almighty within us that we must find to transcend the ugliness. It caught my eye in a used bookshop because Lawrence Durrell himself wrote the foreword. An odd & intriguing subject!

      The Art of Self Invention – Image & Identity in Popular Visual Culture by Joanne Finkelstein, a study of the ways we construct our public identity – style, fashion, status symbols, etiquette, but also how we are influenced by visual culture from films, advertising and TV.

      The Pursuit of Loneliness: American Culture at the Breaking Point by Philip Slater. With a title like this, you would think this a new release, but this was published in 1970! A reviewer from the back cover says the author clarifies “the relationships between our self-imposed subservience to technology and the quality of life in the United States.” As you can imagine, it’s quite a trip. Highly recommended, and can be found at biblio.com.

    26. SBT*

      Recently started We Love You Charlie Freeman and am really enjoying it so far. Can’t tell where it’s going at all so not ready to fully recommend (got tricked by The Midnight Library – fell in love with it in the first half, hated it by the end, and I led many friends astray talking about what a great book it was initially).

      Premise of Charlie Freeman is the story of a Black family moves into a research institute because they know sign language and are participating in a study where they’re living with a chimp (Charlie) and supposed to teach him sign language. But the institute has a problematic past.

    27. *daha**

      How To Get A Girlfriend (When You’re A Terrifying Monster) by Marie Cardno. Sian is a graduate student researcher investigating a dimension that has been a source of soul-eating and devastating attacks on Earth every few centuries. Her tools are magic and spells, because that is the sort of college she attends. Her portal takes her to a place inhabited by a single all-powerful malevolent entity that buds off independent monsters and reabsorbs them later. Sian meets one of these and they develop instant crushes for each other. Going back to Earth as a couple is problematic.
      At 115 pages, this is short – barely reaching novella length. It’s also delightful. Author Cardno has thoroughly thought out the all the underlying bones and cartilage and such that make the plot plausible. There’s a sequel already released, and a third book has been foretold. If you want your reading neatly categorized, the Amazon entry puts it as “a sapphic cozy fantasy romance between a witch scientist and a shape-shifting Cthulhu monster. HEA guaranteed!” This is so much better than you’d expect from that.

    28. Elizabeth West*

      I’m halfway through Douglas Preston’s EXTINCTION. Can’t put it down!

      I got rid of a ton of books before I sold my house (gave them to the Friends of the Library for book sales) knowing that I probably wouldn’t have the space for them (and I was right), but I kept every single Preston & Child novel I had. Now I’m behind on Pendergast and will need to buy more. I’ll just have to find room for them, heh heh.

    29. Bluebell Brenham*

      Just finished Underground Airlines, which is an alternate history where the Civil War never happened, and slavery still exists in four of the southern states. Earlier this week, I read the Gunkle abroad. It had been a few years since I read the first one in this series and I was a bit fuzzy about the plot of the first one, but this one has a few callbacks to that book.

    30. FACS*

      just finished The Covenant of Water by Abraham Verghese. Sprawling multigenerational tale set in India. very long but very worth it.

    31. KKR*

      A good hard look by Ann Napolitano! I read Hello Beautiful and liked it for the most part, so this one has been in my hold list for a while

    32. Bruce*

      I have been reading two books about Polynesia: Hawaiki Rising, which tells the story of the construction and early voyages of the Hokulea, the first traditional double canoe to make long open ocean voyages for hundreds of years. As a sailor I was aware of Hokulea sailing around the world, but I had no idea how fraught and challenging the early voyages were, including one disaster that almost lost the whole crew and which cost the life of a famous surfer. The story of the rebirth of traditional navigation from the teaching of a single Micronesian navigator and the efforts of a Hawaiian to recreate stellar navigation is amazing. The second book is Sea People, which tells the history of the Polynesian people from the perspective of their meeting with Western explorers, their own oral histories as retold among themselves and as told to anthropologists, and finally through archeology and DNA that has recently clarified the true origins and debunked a lot of Western clap-trap. I had asked my son for this book as a birthday present, and he added Hawaiki rising on the recommendation of his friend who teaches Hawaiian history in the Kamahamea Schools.

    1. Past Lurker*

      A friend staying in touch even as they’re visiting the other side of the world.

      1. the Viking Diva*

        Mine’s similar: reached out to a childhood friend whom I’ve not seen in many years, and we’re going to have dinner when I’m in her city for work next month.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I took both my dogs to a new daycare today for a meet and greet – The woofapotamus has been going to daycare regularly since she was 3 months old, but she is huge and no daycare has more than a few spots a day for giant dogs, so I wanted a backup, plus our vet’s office closed their boarding kennel last fall and I’ve been looking for an alternative. Abigail did great as expected, she’s an old hand. But my elder ambassador Alannah has NEVER been to doggy daycare and she’s almost ten, so I worried that she would not deal well, get stressed out, etc. Nope – she was an absolute champ! Loved on all the people, played with the other dogs in the play yard, very excited. (And when I got her home she ran three laps around my husband, lay down and conked out hardcore.) So we’re going to start taking her to daycare occasionally as well, both with and without her sister.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I always wondered why my big boy didn’t come home tired from doggy daycare like everybody said. But I finally saw him on camera once and he was sleeping :P He always seemed happy to be there and the staff didn’t report any issues; I guess he just knew his limits.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          The woofapotamus is the socialest of social butterflies, so she romps all day long with her buddies and always comes home tired. (Not gonna lie, that’s one of my favorite parts of daycare.)

    3. Peanut Hamper*

      I cleaned out five email accounts and got to inbox zero with them. Wow! I finally feel like I’m on top of those things for once. (Unsubscribed from so many things, too.)

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      A second joy: the sponsor of the spinning event I was doing for the last couple weeks asked the actual event manager to pick out a really good picture he could use in his monthly newsletter to represent the event. Out of the six gazillion and fourteen pictures shared during the event by a bazillion and eight people, she messaged me on Tuesday to ask if she could use one of my pictures to give him for the newsletter :D

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      My daughter observed to me that I had given her a good relationship with food. Also she was excited to come home and have me cook for her.

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      MOVING BACK HOME!

      After what seems like an age, we are FINALLY back in our renovated apartment–renovations continuing as I type, actually, since they couldn’t book the kitchen/bathroom stuff until today. But when I get home from work it should be to a refurbished space with Husband unpacking the kitchen stuff! Then it’s just reshelving our gazillion books and we are done!

      It’s been especially gratifying to see Peanut cat sleeping and eating through everything I was convinced was going to be an irreversible trauma for him.

      1. Past Lurker*

        I’m happy for you! I remember your previous post and was wondering when you’d get to go home.

    8. chocolate muffins*

      Going to the park with my toddler. He loves the swings and the slide, I love hearing his laugh, and it turns out that I am also secretly a toddler inside so it’s easy to have fun with him.

    9. Pamela S*

      I work at a non-profit craft guild. I was helping one of the members renew her membership and she finished the call with, “You do something nice for yourself today!”, which I thought was lovely.

    11. Writerling*

      Wondered who the package arriving was for and dismissed it as not expecting anything. But no, it WAS for me and I instantly thought of the usual culprit (friend) shipping me these surprises. Lo and behold, she’d ordered me some coffee sticks we’d talked about the other day! I knew it as soon as I shook the package and it made me laugh. Naturally I had to relay the whole story and it made her laugh. Such a small gesture but a nice way to feel loved.

      1. Irish Teacher.*

        The exact opposite here. We’ve…actually had a reasonably warm day. I wore my summer jacket for the first time in weeks.

        1. londonedit*

          Same. It’s taken until the end of July but it actually looks like summer out there!

    13. Firebird*

      I went to German Fest today with some friends and had a good time. I ran into two other people that recognized me. (I’m moderately faceblind, but at least they looked familiar.) Four years ago I didn’t have friends to do things with and now I do.

    14. BellaStella (cat lady)*

      I have this next week off and am so happy! Small joys this week include getting a screen up on my door, bird watching, and the warm weather!

    15. Part time lab tech*

      I saw blue wrens in my suburban backyard (possibly splendid fairy wrens given the brilliance of one of them). They are common in bushland, less so in the actual suburbs. Pompoms with flicky tails

      1. Six Feldspar*

        I love seeing them because they really are so blue! Like a piece of clear sky bouncing around the bush!

        I also appreciate being able to recognise them immediately because no other bird is that colour. I can also generally spot new holland honeyeaters and silvereyes, but most of the little birds are not interested in staying still long enough to be identified …

        1. Part time lab tech*

          New Holland Honeyeaters are generally around as are Willy Wagtails and the small flock of little fast brown thingamajig birds but this is the first year I’ve seen blue wrens. They are so beautiful and were my mum’s favourites.

          1. Nervous Nellie*

            Well, there’s my small joy right there. Your first sentence is sweet and hilarious! Birds have the cutest names.

            1. Nervous Nellie*

              Teehee! Oh, I know! I’ve been an Audubon member since I was a child. It was just that the sentence sounded like something out of Dr. Seuss! What a chuckle. Of course a thingamajig is that kitchen implement that someone asks you to pass to them while making dinner. Or that tool one is asked to deliver to someone working under a car….

    16. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I recently re-started playing volleyball because someone I know hosts a beginners game. For context, I played in my hometown team throughout middle and high school. Wasn’t particularly good, but loved the game (the hyper-competitive setting I was in, not so much). I am now twice the age I was when I quit, and not a paragon of fitness in general, so felt quite rusty taking it up again.

      Well – turns out those games are a little too “beginner” for me. Muscle memory brought back almost all of my old moves – I thought I’d feel clumsy and clueless, and it’s quite the opposite.

      So, this week, I randomly signed up to an intermediate game with complete strangers in my neighbourhood. A year ago, I was in a bad place mentally and wouldn’t have dreamed of just turning up. But I did, and had a super fun, challenging game with people at my level. It felt like I was right where I was supposed to be, doing something that felt completely natural, that I now can’t believe I’ve let myself ignore for years.

      2. Bruce*

        That’s awesome! I took up fencing again in 2019 after being off since I was around 30, I had some challenges from a torn muscle and tendinitis but when I was feeling good it was so much fun. Then Covid happened and we moved away to a place where the closest club is a 2 hour drive in Portland. Maybe after I retire I’ll do overnight trips to fence occasionally, luckily my wife loves to visit Portland too.

    17. Banana Pyjamas*

      I’m consistently getting 36-46 mpg on my new vehicle. We traded down to cut costs, but this got me super excited about the car!

    18. Sled dog mama*

      I started counseling for my mental health. The particular counselor isn’t a great fit so I’m still looking but until I find the right fit I have someone to help.

      My boss also acknowledged that he has kind of left me hanging with much oversight or support for the last 18 months and we were able to talk through some ways to fix that.

    20. The OG Sleepless*

      I posted last weekend that I was getting my kitchen cabinets (cupboards) painted. They look…incredible. My whole kitchen looks so much brighter, cleaner, and more updated. I hadn’t even really let myself feel how much I hated the way my kitchen looked. It cost a slightly uncomfortable amount of money so I’m lining up some extra shifts over the next few months at the place we don’t talk about on weekends.

    21. RussianInTexas*

      This is a weird one, but after a lot of rain, the neighborhood pool is cool and refreshing! Usually by this time of the year it’s like the bathtub. So my last water aerobics class was bracing, in a good way.

    23. carcinization*

      I have a birthday early next week, so my husband picked up some treats at a coffee shop in the nearby town where he works (he works in the town, not for the coffee shop). The macarons were pretty good, the cinnamon roll was okay, but the carrot cake was divine!

    24. Irish Teacher.*

      I was up in Galway for the Arts Festival last weekend. Saw two really good plays, bought a ring to fidget with and got a jumper (sweater) that turned out to be half the price it was marked at.

    25. Llama face!*

      Back in January I had a tomato sprout on my fridge top. So I planted some sprouted seeds and grew a massive plant. It had to stay inside for a long time (late Saskatchewan spring) and got cut back twice because it kept growing too tall but finally I took it out to my backyard. Just recently, 3 flowers bloomed. Two were mutant flowers, conjoined-twin style. Well… one of the mutant flowers has now produced a tomato and it is growing happily! Every time I’ve checked on it this week it has been visibly larger. And all because of a tomato that I left on top of my fridge too long in winter. :D

    26. KateM*

      That was mostly last week but this Monday I was back from our week-long biking trip (400+ km)! Everybody has been saying afterwards that I was so brave even for considering it, as I am nearly 50, obese, and unfit, but I 1) proposed it 2) planned and organized it 3) and pulled it through, too!

    27. Tiny clay insects*

      I got the author copies of my novel! This is literally my lifelong dream coming true, and it’s blowing my mind.

        1. Tiny clay insects*

          Thank you! It’s a YA called Mighty Millie Novak and it comes out August 20!

          1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            I pre-ordered for a young person who I think is going to love it! : )

    28. Forrest Rhodes*

      A very small joy: I just realized that “lolsob” doesn’t mean “laughing out loud, you s** of a b****” but rather “I’m laughing and crying at the same time.”
      Obviously, I am not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but I’ll take my joys where I can find them!

        1. carcinization*

          This reminds me that up until 10 years or so ago I thought that TFW stood for “Too F___ing Weird.”

          1. Llama face!*

            I don’t actually use/see that acronym used so I had no idea what it meant, lol. Apparently it’s “that feeling when”?

    29. the cat's ass*

      the nausea from my new meds is FINALLY getting better.
      One of my fave folks gave me an onion, peaches, and a bag of shishito peppers from her glorious garden.

    30. Trixie*

      Finally sampling Dr.Pepper Zero. I love the original, and this is a strong substitute. More importantly, finding a good mechanic in my new city to help with car issues. Someone may be getting a shiny new catalytic converter.

    31. Mobie's Mom Now*

      My sister, nephew, and niece were visiting this week! We moved away 2 1/2 years ago and this is the 3rd summer they have visited, and probably the best visit. They left this morning, but it was a good week!

    32. Girasol*

      This is going to sound funny, but I’m delighted to learn that I may have long covid. Not long after getting over covid my hips got so sore and wobbly that I could hardly walk. At my age I thought, this is it. This is old age and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ll be tottering for the rest of my life! But I just learned that one version of long covid is an arthritic inflammation of the joints starting a few weeks after getting over covid and lasting 3-5 months, the result of an uppity immune system overreacting. I can hope to be better in time to enjoy the good biking weather at the end of summer, and that makes me very happy.

      1. Another Use of the Identify Spell*

        Congratulations on getting an answer! Best wishes to you and all other LC folks for continuing good answers that lead to good treatment. Plus wisdom and inspiration to medical folks looking for improved ways to help.

    33. FACS*

      two quarts of apple butter arrived safely in Estonia (host mom loves it). we are getting to know older son’s companion for the first time and she is lovely and smart and well informed. they are in the same field, which is great

    34. GoryDetails*

      Saw a young oriole at the tiny hummingbird feeder in my front yard. There’s a full-sized oriole feeder out back (which the orioles also visit) but I gather this one was a teenager and seeking new experiences. It had to practically curl up to be able to reach the nectar-port, but it managed!

      Different wildlife: saw a lovely garter snake slithering across my driveway, from one patch of overgrown vinca to another. I do like snakes, and that was a very handsome specimen.

      Garden-wise: the self-watering planters are all lush with vegetation (hot summer here) and are starting to produce – especially the cucumbers. I have so many that I’m looking up new things to do with them. Favorite options so far include a couple of recipes from John Fladd, one for cucumber-flavored gin and another for a cucumber syrup. (Those were both meant for use in cocktails, but Fladd notes that the syrup is delicious on yogurt: “will make you smile in traffic.”)

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        *eyes the pile of cucumbers while realizing there’s a bottle of gin the house somewhere*

    35. Kyrielle*

      Seeing my in-laws and a bunch of college friends while on vacation, *and*, getting home from vacation and cuddling my cats. (The cats may or may not have experienced joy at being scooped up and cuddled, but they are glad to be back home and not boarding.)

    36. Another Use of the Identify Spell*

      Warning: food

      Unexpected free breakfast at work! The vendor who brought it apparently wasn’t aware of the much smaller in-office numbers on Friday and got a sizable quantity compared to the number of eaters. I did my best to reduce food waste ;) and then really only wanted a snack for lunch, so basically 2 free meals.

    37. Totally Anonymous*

      Actually, I had an epiphany about why I am so hard on myself about so many things….like I’m not good enough. Human imposter syndrome? I can really be hard on myself for the silliest things. I had an ok childhood – I thought, but my parents were very judgmental about just about everything, from other people, our church, our town, me, my boyfriends, my desire to go to college, my hobbies, my spouse…you get the picture. I always felt like I had to defend my choices (and they were really not that unusual; just run-of-the-mill) and do the same in my life today. The sad thing is that I am in my 60’s!!! For the first time in my life, I am going to seek out a therapist and get this issue resolved so I don’t spend the rest of my days so damn insecure about my abilities.

      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        That’s awesome!
        Same here. I just started an online program for getting my NPD/judgmental parents out of my head.
        Go us!

    38. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Picking my teenager up at camp with our rescue dog and both son and dog were extremely happy!

      (And rescue pup behaved himself surprisingly well!)

    40. Smol Book Wizard*

      A very cute, very chonky, very wide-eyed baby at the grocery store today, sitting in the cart in the checkout line. I love that age where they’re just Taking It All In and it’s obviously so fascinating and baffling to them.

    41. Voluptuousfire*

      The buyer for my house got the mortgage commitment, so the closing is happening soon!

      Gotta get my butt in gear and get this house cleaned out.

      Also had a lovely day Friday. Met with a friend for lunch and margaritas and met with another friend later for dinner. The latter is a new person I’m seeing, which is extremely pleasant since it’s been a long time since my last person of their ilk.

  4. RMNPgirl*

    Olympics!
    What are you looking forward to? What stories/drama are you already obsessed with?
    I’m looking forward to gymnastics and swimming. I might watch some of the surfing just because it’s in Tahiti and the surfers olympic village is a cruise ship.
    The drone drama with the Canadian soccer team has been interesting to follow.

    1. Skates*

      I’ve gotten really into powerlifting as a hobby since covid so I’m excited to watch some of that now that I’m knowledgeable enough to grasp just how HEAVY those bars are. Excited to see how the world premier of Breaking goes too!! Had a great day working from the couch with the opening ceremony on in the background.

    2. GoryDetails*

      Loved the boats-on-the-Seine parade in the opening ceremonies – and the hot-air-balloon torch cauldron.

      Favorite events: lots, from the big-ticket ones like gymnastics to the equestrian events. Sport climbing intrigues me, and I do enjoy watching the diving, especially the synchronized events. Got into some of the rowing events at the last Olympics – kayak-slalom or something like that? Always something new… Skateboarding can be fun to watch, and I like to wonder what the athletes in the 1924 Olympics would think of the modern-day skater-folk with baggy pants and dreads. Am not that into the track and field events, though high jump and pole vault can be interesting. And I’m sure there are others that I’ll get hooked on as they pop up.

    3. The Prettiest Curse*

      It’s nice to be in roughly the same time zone as the Olympics for once! I don’t usually watch opening ceremonies, but yesterday’s was spectacular.
      I’m really looking forward to the breaking. I hear that the kayak cross is chaotic fun too, and speed climbing is so brutal that it’s usually really entertaining. I also love watching the skateboarding and BMX. And I’m glad Steph Curry finally made it to the Olympics!

      Team GB athletes that I’ll be particularly supporting include Tom Daley in diving, Alex Yee in triathlon, Sky Brown in skateboarding, KJT (Katarina Johnson-Thompson) in heptathlon, all our BMX team, and Louis Hinchcliffe and Dina Asher-Smith in sprinting.

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        Sorry, that should be Louie Hinchcliffe. Apparently, I was too distracted by his incredible mullet (seriously, look it up) to get his name correct!

    4. allathian*

      Loved the opening ceremony! The broadcast director had an unenviable job, thousands of cameras. The Eiffel Tower light show was spectacular, and I loved the boats.

      I’m planning to watch some athletics and whatever other events I can catch.

      1. Chaordic One*

        I ended up watching this because my parents wanted to see it, and it was more entertaining than I expected. I loved the aerial views of the beautiful Parisian architecture and the parade of boats carrying the athletes down the Seine. The art installation of giant heads from famous French paintings sticking up above the water as the boats sailed by gave the event a delightfully bizarre vibe.

    5. The Dude Abides*

      The only event I actually care about (rugby 7s) is almost halfway over – men did pool play and QFs W/Th, the rest are on Saturday. The women start later.

      To anyone who’s never seen it, go find a replay of any game involving the Fiji men. Since it became an Olympic sport in 2016, they’ve never lost at the Olympics, and their playing style is entertaining as hell.

    6. Firebird*

      Is there a video of the opening ceremony available online? I totally forgot to watch and I can’t find a video of it.

      1. Quest Light*

        There are a few highlights videos up on YouTube – I don’t see the full thing yet but I’m sure it’ll be up there soon enough.

    7. Undone Spragg*

      Dressage drama! A video dropped a couple days ago of Britain’s golden girl Charlotte Dujardin whipping a horse during a lesson, and she immediately withdrew from the Olympics, lost her funding, has been suspended. Now there are rumors that the timing of the video is suspicious, oh look, a Dutch lawyer is involved and this increases the Dutch chances at a medal. Discussions about should we remove / how can we keep equestrian sports in the Olympics. It’s sad, of course, that there is animal abuse at the center of it but I’m strongly team remove so maybe this will help.

      1. Andromeda*

        I get raging angry about all animal abuse (of course) but harming dogs or horses is the quickest way to bypass any rational thought for me. IIRC there was another controversy about abuse in equestrian sports a few months ago, too.

        If it’s important enough that your animal does the thing that you’ll hurt it to make sure that it will, honestly just throw out the whole sport. (Greyhound racing, too. Many dogs are “retired” and abandoned far too young, and the racing instincts mess up their sweet little heads irreversibly.)

        1. Reluctant Mezzo*

          I note that in the Discworld books, Lady Sybil Ramkin is all for a certain amount of tolerance of human-on-human crime, but touch a dragon? She’ll haul out the family thumbscrews for that.

      2. Glomarization, Esq.*

        I dunno, if she didn’t want a poorly timed video to be released by anybody, maybe she shouldn’t have abused her animal.

        1. Goldfeesh*

          I think the point is the one who released the video didn’t really care about animal abuse either since that person would have released it immediately instead of sitting on that information for years and therefore allowing more possible abuse to happen to the horses.

      3. WoodswomanWrites*

        I had no idea about Charlotte Dujardin’s appalling behavior until I read your post. I’m glad there was a video of it and that she’s been suspended. Whenever I see videos like this, I think about how many other horses suffered when there wasn’t a camera to record it.

    8. Six Feldspar*

      I like the gymnastics, the diving and the equestrian events (especially dressage which looks from the outside like someone trying to parallel park a horse…)

      1. TeaCoziesRUs*

        I need someone knowledgeable in dressage to teach me why it is so amazing. Yes, the horse looks like it’s dancing… and the high step is really pretty… but I don’t get it. Anyone have a good YouTube commentary I can watch do I understand what I’m looking at??? :D

        1. GoryDetails*

          Not an expert on dressage, but between riding lessons and reading and viewing I’ve realized how impressive it is that the rider’s guidance is effectively invisible – it’s supposed to look like the horse is doing it all on its own while the rider remains motionless, but there are lots of little cues involved. (I’ve also read of events in which the riders would have to swap horses to prove that the riders’ skills weren’t entirely dependent on how clever their horses were!)

          I do wonder sometimes whether some horses memorize the routines and anticipate the riders’ commands. Also, whether there might be an event in which the routines aren’t pre-planned and rehearsable but spontaneous: say, a rider gets cues via headphone or something as to the next command, so the horse has no idea what’s coming. Change gait, change lead, left turn, etc…

          1. allathian*

            I watched the dressage part of the three day event yesterday, and at least one competitor got market down because the horse anticipated the next move.

            Fun trivia, the oldest horse at the event is Wundermaske, a 21 year old gelding, who’s older in human terms than some riders. His rider is Ronald Zabala Goetchel, 57. He’s not the oldest Olympian, though, there’s at least one air rifle shooter and a Canadian rider who are 60+.

            My favorite thing about equestrian sports is that people of all ages can compete on equal terms regardless of gender because the horse does most of the work.

        2. Cordelia*

          yeah, you’ve basically got an animal doing something completely against its nature, and you can see from the Charlotte Dujardin videos how this is achieved. There’s no way that was a one-off “error of judgement” as she claims. I hope dressage will finally be banned after this, it’s not a sport it’s animal abuse.

        3. Sled dog mama*

          As a (very low level) dressage rider maybe I can offer some insight. In the US there are 6 “national” levels after that you move into the 4 international levels. There are compulsory tests at each level with some levels having multiple tests. The tests are designed to show the progression of training from very beginning all the way to what you see in the Olympics. Horse/rider pairs on the US team (and I would assume other countries) are all regularly competing at Grand Prix level which is the highest level. What you see at the Olympics and other top level competitions are freestyle routines done to music which are allowed at most levels once you have a “qualifying score” on the compulsory tests at that level
          When performed well the freestyle test demonstrates the horse’s strength and balance by showing off all the ways the horse can move. While maintaining balance and correct (optimal) use of muscles.
          A freestyle routine has certain required elements but they are arranged by the rider to best show off the individual horse’s talents.
          A really well ridden test should look like the rider is simply a passenger. In reality the rider is constantly giving the horse very subtle signals using shifts of the weight, gentle pressure from the riders legs and feet on the horse’s sides and pressure of the reins along the horse’s neck as well as gentle signals with the bit and bridle.
          I’ll see if I can post a link to one of my rides so you can see what it looks like starting out versus very high level.
          And yes there are unethical and cruel training practices out there, I don’t use them and I won’t train with anyone who does. I believe in working with and within the horse’s natural capabilities, not every horse is cut out to be a happy healthy elite athlete but they can all be happy and healthy and 99% can be happier and healthier when they have a job they enjoy.

          1. Sled dog mama*

            Here’s a video of a compulsory test from the lowest international level with commentary from a judge on what she is seeing/looking for https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=M9GGZdi2mKo&pp=ygUYaG93IHRvIHJpZGUgZmVpIGRyZXNzYWdl

            And a second video of a much lower level national test (this one tells what movement is supposed to occur and how the judge scored it along with their feedback https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dcQem4UjHRU&pp=ygUgVHJhaW5pbmcgbGV2ZWwganVkZ2VzIGNvbW1lbnRhcnk%3D

            In dressage you get a written scoresheet with a score and comment on each movement plus scores and comments on certain overall points.

    9. Dr. KMnO4*

      I paid for a 1 month subscription to Peacock specifically to watch the Olympics. I am excited for the 3 types of gymnastics, Tae Kwon Do (I used to do TKD when I was in my 20s and it’s a cool sport), fencing, diving, archery…generally the more niche sports, honestly.

      1. Lady Danbury*

        My 9yo nephew is super into taekwondo (recently learned it’s just one word, lol) and so I’ve been to a bunch of lessons/tournaments in the last few years. He’s progressed pretty quickly, to the point that his coach is planning to take him to international tournaments next year. I didn’t realize that it’s an Olympic sport, so I’ll definitely be keeping an eye out!

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        Same, I signed up just for a month to watch. I love watching gymnastics and Simone Biles is such an impressive person in addition to being an outstanding athlete.

        In college, I had a friend on the gymnastics team who specialized in the rings. How anyone can do a handstand on those things boggles the mind.

    10. carcinization*

      Most interested in: breaking, judo, synchronized swimming. Judo usually only gets shown on TV for like 5 minutes, even with cable, so I’m not sure how much of it I’ll get to see, but I’m sure I’ll get to see the other ones.

    11. TeaCoziesRUs*

      I need help from the Canadians in the crowd. We just moved here from the US and found out the hard way that YouTube TV doesn’t play well with VPN – last night’s opening ceremony was a throwback to the 90s in the worst ways. We’re probably going to cancel YTTV since it won’t work up here, so what do y’all use for streaming? Hubby is fairly crazy about sports, especially the Olympics and college football.

        1. StrayMom*

          We live very close to the border with Canada and I actually prefer CBC’s coverage to what we find on US channels. Do you know whether we can subscribe to CBC Gem in the US?

    12. GoryDetails*

      Minor grumble today: I have Xfinity cable, which is streaming loads of Olympics events and has its own Olympics-specific guide with which to set reminders, record specific episodes, etc. But the guide doesn’t always match the events that are actually airing, so right now my guide says I should be seeing the men’s skateboarding, but instead there’s women’s water polo. (I did get to see some dressage and men’s gymnastics earlier, so that’s good, but if the guide can’t be trusted I’m afraid I’ll miss some favorites.)

      1. There’s an app for that!*

        Maybe try the Paris 2024 app? It won’t help you with what is on TV channels but if you want to know what is happening at any particular time, it has the complete schedule that you can set to show either Paris time or your time zone, you can filter based on sport, country, medal events, etc.

      2. Lexi Vipond*

        I know some of the actual schedule was messed up today by heavy rain, so maybe you were seeing indoor events in place of outdoor ones which had been postponed?

        1. GoryDetails*

          That could be – but I’d have expected some kind of crawl-text explaining that. Ah, well, still plenty of things to watch!

    13. Two-Faced Big-Haired Food Critic*

      Okay, I’m not gonna strangle my husband, but hot cheap-ass rolls…! He forgot to pay the cable bill, and we lost about eight hours of programming that otherwise would have been recorded. It’s back on, but those hours included equestrian cross-country, women’s mountain biking, women’s gymnastics elimination rounds, and women’s skateboarding — both rounds and it’s over now.

      Well, I knew I wasn’t going to get to watch *everything*. I’ll have other chances to see the pretty horsies, and I would have watched the bike race mostly on fast-forward. But I would *never* have voluntarily passed on women’s skateboarding. And Simone Biles apparently did a move that’s never been done by a woman before. Hopefully that’ll show up in the prime-time block. Grrr.

    14. Falling Diphthong*

      Thanks to everyone who mentioned watching on Peacock. I re-upped our subscription and it is exactly what I always wanted in Olympic coverage–full coverage of everything as it’s airing, you can go back and watch stuff afterward, knowledgeable commenters. Miles away from “45 seconds on the American for sport A, ad, travelogue, ad, 90 seconds on the American run in sport B…” that plagued coverage for so long.

  5. Not A Crisis Communicator*

    I could use some help navigating communication around tough events. When something bad happens – let’s say a bad test result, a poor pet diagnosis, something scary – it is often hard for me to deal with well-meaning communications. My instinct is to keep the bad thing a secret until it’s fully known, but many such situations involve a long period of ambiguity. I find myself managing other people’s feelings a lot, providing a lot of updates, etc etc. I know people want to be kind and I should feel fortunate they even care, but I seem to find it more stressful than the problem itself. I don’t think I’m unique in this or anything. Has anyone figured out the best way to handle it?

    1. Past Lurker*

      I’m the same way, but I’m mostly OK with it. When bad stuff happens you deal in whatever way is best for you. I know keeping silent isn’t the healthiest response sometimes, hope others chime in with advice!

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I include, with whatever communication I am making about the thing, a statement to the effect of “I am telling you about (this) so that you are aware. That said – I don’t want to talk about it any further than this message, so I will assume you wish me well, but please don’t bring the subject up in any type of discussion – if I want to talk about it, I will start the conversation myself. Thank you in advance for your support.”

      1. English Rose*

        I’ve sometimes done a form of that by email. Then when you meet in person, people know. Also some wording around “I’d be really happy to talk about what’s going on with you.” gives permission for people not to be solemn.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Yeah, it’s definitely easier to do in some form of writing in advance – that way, hopefully, people can process their own feels about “BUT I WANT TO BE SUPPORTIVE!” when the requested form of “support” is basically “just ignore this thing that I just told you and don’t address it at all,” because people really do get weird about that. (I have sometimes leaned right into that too. “I know this is kind of strange, and I’m sorry if that’s awkward for you, but this is truly what I need from people as I am dealing with this situation.”)

    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I agree with the folks above! When I had a bad but ultimately fixable diagnosis, my family was being so up in my business about an earlier diagnosis that I just didn’t tell them about the new diagnosis until way later when all was basically resolved. I feel fine with that.

      And the family member who was ridiculously inappropriately up in my business about the old diagnosis to the point where I utterly dreaded telling her about the new diagnosis? I just cut her the hell off entirely, and I feel just fine with that too.

      I know people mean well, but sometimes, putting them on an “information diet,” as Captain Awkward says can be super handy. Life is too short for other people’s feelings and desire to tell me what THEY would do or what they think I should do to get in the way of my own problem solving. Full information is for those I can count on to support me in the way that I need.

      1. Not A Crisis Communicator*

        What I am currently struggling with is people feeling a bit – betrayed, I guess, or hurt, that I didn’t reach out / lean on them / let them help sooner and “I’m just telling them now” – which is so sweet and loving, etc., but … it’s truly not that I don’t think they’ll be there for me or that I don’t feel close to them, it’s just that I don’t need anything specific and even just one or two people being engaged is more than sufficient. But I also get the weird feeling if they realize they were yammering away about something else, not knowing what I was going through. There just doesn’t seem to be a way around it.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Ooh. I got that once, and I don’t know if I’d recommend this per se, but without thinking, I said “Sorry, but I was busy focusing on what I needed and not what anybody else might prefer.” The other person was a more affronted for a minute, but then clicked that yeah, they were kind of making my problems about them and it wasn’t cool, they apologized and all was well. But I think it depends on your relationships.

        2. Scientist*

          I have been the friend who was a little hurt that another close friend didn’t tell me about some thing pretty serious they were going through, until almost the end. I have to say that is silly as it is, when they did eventually tell me the bad news, they also straight up said “i really didn’t tell anyone except —— (spouse), Because I’m super private about stuff like that.” As dumb as I recognize this is, and it shouldn’t be about me, I felt better knowing that they hadn’t been talking about it with a bunch of people and just leaving me out.

          1. Sloanicota*

            Yeah, I remember when my mom dropped the bad news about her diagnosis, it felt really sudden because she “hadn’t wanted to worry me” with updates during the initial tests etc. so we were already well into the process by the time she shared it. I definitely remember thinking at the time that this was a lot *more* stressful (for me). However, with the benefit of more life experience I can understand now that it was probably less stressful *for her* to handle it the way she did, and why.

        3. Ellis Bell*

          I get what they’re saying, but unless they are making things about themselves all they probably mean is that you *could* have used them for support and that they personally would have needed that support. This means that they’re concerned you don’t know they are part of your team you. I’d probably go with “I know I can always lean on you, and I was. What I needed from you was our usual thing, and not to dwell on it. Please don’t worry about our closeness.” If you do want to communicate sad or negative stuff earlier I would go with “Awful thing has happened and I’m just letting you know so you aren’t surprised later. I need a massive distraction in the form of (usual activities) and to not talk about it for a while until I bring it up again. Thanks!” Just because other people need support in the form of soul wrenching discussion doesn’t mean that’s what you need or are asking for.

    4. Ellen Ripley*

      Two things that help me:

      (1) Trying to explain their statements back to them in my own words. Eg “so there isn’t a definite cause you can find, but you think it may be related to X or Y?” This helps me remember better, as well as verify with them that I understood what they said.

      (2) Not being afraid to speak up in a direct way. Keep it simple. When I don’t understand, saying “I don’t understand, can you say that again?”. When I feel like they didn’t hear me/understand what I was actually asking, ask again “That makes sense, but what I actually want to know is ….”. When they bring up two treatment options and one of them sounds better to me, saying “I would prefer to do X option.” Thinking of it as having a conversation with someone who is part of my support system/care team, rather than a Dr/patient power dynamic. We are paying for them to provide a service, after all.

      All this is easier with a good doctor, of course, so don’t hesitate to try new ones until you find someone that does listen to you.

    5. TeaCoziesRUs*

      I haven’t had feathers hit the fan in a while, but Ring Theory helped me the most. I’ll link it below this comment, but basically you have one or two trusted people that are 100% in it with you. Others who are dear to you know this and check in with the totally trusted person to get updates. The people in the next ring out can get the info from them, etc. It might feel like gossip, but at least I only had to answer to two people, then they could disseminate the latest, what we needed (if folks were kind enough to offer laundry, lawnmowers, food, etc), and collate the kind thoughts and well wishes I was too overwhelmed to deal with.

      2. Sloanicota*

        Haha I use ring theory in my own mind when I’m trying to be supportive, but I’m not sure how to ask other people to use ring theory for me. Or at least not if they’re not the inner ring. Not sure what this script would look like.

        1. AF Vet*

          For family and friends – “I appreciate you asking, but I’m trying not to hyperfocus on my health. Talking about it too much is having that effect to an unhealthy degree. Can you check in with hubby? He’ll know my status and any ways you can help as he’s taking on more of the burden of schlepping our kids around, juggling me & his job, and can use whatever help you’re willing to offer. Thanks for understanding.”

          For coworkers – “I appreciate you asking, but I’m trying not to hyperfocus on my health. Talking about it too much is having that effect to an unhealthy degree. Can you check in with *trusted work friend*? I’m keeping them in the loop, and they’ll also know any ways I could use some help.”

          Ideally, trusted work friend knows and gets on with hubby so they can coordinate. :)

          1. allathian*

            Depends a lot on the work environment and how much your work and social lives interact. In my case they’re pretty hermetically sealed. I’ve never met any of my husband’s coworkers.

            I got my first job in retail when I was 17, and that’s the only job where I’ve had the sort of work friends I hung out with outside of work and outside of company-sponsored after-work events. I didn’t even hang out much with my coworkers after work during my internship, although that was in Spain and I had roommates, so I hung out with them. It was a small company and I was the only intern.

  6. Beauty School Dropout*

    Does anyone have reccs on how best to interact with medical professionals? Maybe there’s a book or a website I should read? I’m flummoxed by my ongoing failure to get my needs met and feel heard, as well as understand the plan, when I deal with doctors or vets. I can’t figure out where the disconnect is. I was trying to advocate for a family member earlier today and it was a total failure – I feel like they tell me a bunch of things that seemed totally meaningless to me, and can’t tell me the thing I’m actually asking, like “is this fixable?” (answers could be “probably” or “it’s unlikely” but not “the effects of Y can be X, Z, EX, ZZ or YZ”) or “what will the next step be after this test, if you find X or Y” ? I do sympathize that what to you is a dire emergency is just a Wednesday to people in a walk-in clinic, plus what to them seems obvious is not obvious to me. Do other people deal with this?

    1. Feeling Feline*

      It’s one of those things where a specific answer cannot be given to a generic question, because it depends on so many factors. Including which specific organisation you went to, what subspecialty it was, and (yes sometimes) what is the current weather.

      If you want a generic answer, consider emergency medicine is like one person managing 30+ five year project managements within 4 hours concurrently. There are no one size fits all, and all details matter.

      1. Beauty School Dropout*

        Yeah, I knew it might be too vague to be helpful. I’ve just been contemplating how it seems to happen to me across so many different interactions that I think there’s a common thread … I always leave feeling – befuddled and not sure they really heard what I was saying and not having a lot of confidence in “the plan.” This happens in like, non-emergency medical appointments where I’m trying to raise something that’s been bugging me, or more recently in the urgent care when I was trying to advocate for someone else (it was a very time-sensitive thing but nobody was acting with any urgency?) but also even with my dog’s end-of-life dramas. But I mean, I have trouble getting the hairstylist not to leave me with a granny bob, it’s definitely at least partly my fault here.

        1. AF Vet*

          I tend to be (too?) direct at times, but perimenopause is playing haywire with my brain. I’ve learned I need to WRITE DOWN what I need to ask. For instance, if I have a podiatry appointment, I’ll start tracking word things happening in my feet and legs, if a treatment has helped, etc. I don’t feel afraid to ask them to dumb down their words for me – right now my brain simply can’t keep up. I’ve learned to bring things up, like my leg randomly going numb, in a way where I can ask “is this concerning based on everything else you know about my current medical state, or is this just that bodies are wonderfully weird?” I’ll do some basic research, while openly admitting the flaws of Doctor Google, so I can understand the basic courses of treatment for a known diagnosis and have a more knowledgeable discussion with my doc.

          For hair stylists, I’ll take in pictures of what I want in the style or color. (But I also in my mid 40s and found that my gray is REALLY pretty while not making me look “too old,” so now I just need trims.) I’ll show them pictures of previous haircuts and what I did or didn’t like about them. I ask friends with similar hair types and the style I want who does their hair. My husband, who gets his hair cut every two weeks, says it usually takes a barber three times to figure out his hair growth and pattern…. but that would be a year’s commitment for me. So I’ll find someone else after one meh cut.

          And I’m still mad at my car that she didn’t have the grace to pass peacefully in her sleep… which meant I had to make the hard decision for her. I still miss that furball more than I can say.

    2. Scientist*

      Experienced medical professionals are so steeped in jargon and acronyms and details, but I think they genuinely forget what things are common knowledge and what aren’t. I recommend asking them to repeat everything, taking lots of notes, asking questions, and then honestly googling it all afterwards.

      1. Reebee*

        Hard disagree on googling before, after, and at all. So much disinformation and it’ll just mess with the mind.

        1. Scientist*

          I know people say that, and googling can definitely take you down a dark, false road full of monsters that scare you needlessly. BUT – *if* someone has a reasonable ability to parse basic scientific info and/or choose good sources on the internet – then googling/the internet is a really helpful too, and I don’t think it needs to be completely avoided. I recommend googling specific things AFTER speaking to a doctor. For example, searching your specific test results (copying and pasting the language, with units, from your online portal) or condition name, and looking for results from academic journal articles, large reputable hospitals like the Mayo Clinic, or universities. For example, sometimes I get blood tests back and google them and read some basic info pages from the Mayo Clinic on why those tests are done and some idea of what my results mean. This helps me decide what questions I have for my doctor.

          1. Songbird121*

            I agree with this. If I hadn’t googled fibroids and treatments for fibroids before going to the appointment for my scan results I would have ended up with a hysterectomy the first doctor recomminstead of the myomectamy (removal of the fibroid through surgery)

          2. Songbird121*

            I agree with this. If I hadn’t googled fibroids and treatments for fibroids before going to the appointment for my scan results I would have ended up with a hysterectomy the first doctor just said was happening instead of the myomectamy (removal of the fibroid through surgery) that I got after a second opinion. Since I had never heard of fibroids, if I hadn’t done some reading I wouldn’t have known that there were other treatment options I could ask about.

        2. Irish Teacher.*

          The thing is to stick to actual scientific studies and such like and avoid personal stories, blogs, youtube, news stories etc.

          In my experience, what you find online is usually both fairly reassuring and pretty close to what you hear from the doctors, if you stick to medical pages and medical studies.

          1. Irish Teacher.*

            One example that comes to mind is when I had thyroid cancer and after treatment the consultant said I was at “higher risk of reccurance.” He made it sounds like reccurance was almost inevitable, just a matter of when. I googled and found out “higher risk” meant a 20% chance which still meant the odds were in favour of it not happening. I also found that a significant percentage of that 20% occur in the first 1-3 years, which wasn’t particularly reassuring then, but certainly is now, four and a half years down the line.

            Without googling, I’d probably still be thinking that the odds were that it would come back some day.

        3. But what to call me?*

          Googling the stuff on my grandma’s medical report is the only reason I was able to help her figure out what her pacemaker was supposed to do and how it helped. Going off just what the doctors said left her reasonably concluding that the surgery hadn’t even worked, because her first doctor didn’t explain what a pacemaker was supposed to do for her condition and all of the doctors and nurses she talked to after that assumed she knew that basic information and kept making comments that made no sense without that context.

        4. AF Vet*

          Ehh… if it’s taking me to the Mayo Clinic, NIH/CDC, etc., then it’s a good tool. If it’s taking me to Reddit? Potential value of anecdotes. Any other site? Meh…

    3. Part time lab tech*

      Find a General Practitioner or Nurse that’s good at translating medical jargon into colloquial speak? Easier said than done, I know.
      One thing to understand is that scientific language tends to be less absolute and more probabilities. Medical ethics also tends towards allowing patient choice.

      1. Beauty School Dropout*

        Yeah, I know part of it is just a false hope for certainty where none exists – they don’t *know* the outcome … but then there’s something going on where they don’t want to say what they think in case they’re wrong, and I get upset unnecessarily, or something? They don’t want to give false hope or false fear … but like, I get *more* anxious when I feel like I’m being “managed” and people aren’t telling me what’s really up??

        1. Filosofickle*

          It’s a real problem. Surely they don’t like to be definitive because, scientifically, very little is genuinely certain. Every body is different. But I’m also sure, as humans, they don’t like having to give bad news and aren’t as straight as they should be. In my experience lots of people want lots of hope and treatment, so they likely orient toward that. They don’t want people to panic, and many people panic.

          When you get that feeling, I recommend calling it out directly:
          – I feel like you’re not being straight
          – It sounds like there’s something you’re not telling me
          – I don’t understand what you’re saying, break this down for me
          – What are the possible outcomes?
          – And then what happens? What are my next steps?

          You may have to ask multiple times and multiple ways. It’s super hard to do this in the moment, but when you get that fuzzy anxious feeling keep pushing until you understand. It may even help to have these kinds of questions written down in a notebook so when your brain gets foggy you just have to look down.

          When my mother was in her final months, doctors were vague and kept saying things like “there’s another drug we can try” and eventually “let’s give this more time”. Afterwards my father was very upset, believing they deliberately withheld the truth about her condition or were selling additional treatments for profit. Personally, I successfully read between the vague lines and understood a lot of what was happening without being told. Some are probably hoping everyone will be like me so they never have to say the hard things.

          1. TeaCoziesRUs*

            I’m so glad I read the book Being Mortal by Atul Gawande many years ago! It talks exclusively about end of life care, the lack of gerontologists, how nursing homes balance autonomy and safety, and how to have the hard discussions around the end of life (i.e. what does a good life look like for a beloved elder?). I haven’t had to use it yet, but I have passed it on to do many who have.

        2. Irish Teacher.*

          I’ve had similar experiences to a certain degree and I think two things are relevant. The first is that I think medical professionals are sometimes deliberately vague in order to avoid either frightening people or else giving too much hope and possibly making them neglect tests.

          Like last February I had something “flagged” on a scan and I asked if this meant recurrence was likely (it was a scan following up on thyroid cancer) and just got “oh, it doesn’t necessarily mean reccurance” and “we won’t know any more until we’ve done some tests.” From googling afterwards and the reaction of the people doing the further tests (who were practically saying “once it is confirmed that nothing is wrong…) it gradually became obvious that the odds of reccurrence were quite low. The same doctor who called me and told me something had been flagged gave me the results and at that point he said, “oh, this is going to happen. When you are scanned yearly, something will show up at some point. I have a gland that always shows up in these things but it doesn’t matter for me because I don’t have a history of thryoid cancer.” But I guess he didn’t want to say at the time that “this is a common issue and very likely harmless but we need to check it out because on rare occasions it can indicate recurrence,” both in case I wouldn’t bother getting the test then and/or in case I did turn out to be one of those rare cases and complained him or something.

          The other reason is not specific to medical professionals. I am getting the impression that a lot of people hear any question about things like medical stuff as really meaning “reassure me.” I got responses like that (not from medical professionals, just from random people) even in the early days of covid when I’d say something like, “hey, did you know X was a risk factor for covid deaths?” Often people would respond with something like, “oh, do you have that?” or “who has that?” or “oh, you don’t need to worry about that. It’s pretty rare,” when I just meant “that’s interesting. I wouldn’t have thought X would be particularly relevant to covid. I wonder why it’s a risk factor.”

          I even read a comment once online – don’t know how true it is – that a lot of people don’t actually care too much about the facts. They just want to be reassured or encouraged (this was in relation to things like “carrot are good for eyesight”; that people don’t care if that’s true or not, they just want the encouragement to eat more vegetables) and I think medical professionals, being human, hear these questions the same way many people do, as meaning “reassure me.”

          I’m with you. I don’t find that reassuring. That kind of avoiding the issue always makes me feel like it must be bad or why aren’t they telling me? I’ve started to worry less as I’ve been following a cancer forum and the nurses tend to tell people, “it could be something else other than cancer,” when I know from my own research the odds of cancer are less than 10%. To me, “could be something else”/”not necessarily cancer” means “this generally means cancer but there are some other options so it’s not 100%,”.

          I do think part of it is covering themselves as some people – older people in particular – take what doctors say as 100% and would therefore think that if a doctor says this could be cancer that meant they had been diagnosed with cancer. My grandmother used to complain “these doctors know nothing. They sent my niece for tests for breast cancer and it turned out she didn’t have it at all, so why did they think she had it?”

          1. Beauty School Dropout*

            these are great points and really hitting at the crux of my issue. And maybe sometimes I really *am* mostly seeking reassurance and then getting extra wound up when they won’t give it to me, which is at least something I can control from my end.

            1. LizB*

              I’ve found that when I’d like reassurance and am getting wishy-washy answers, it’s helpful to me to ask what I should look for that would mean things aren’t going well. I ask things like, “If the IV did start to have problems, what symptoms would I see and what should I do about them?” – so I have a really clear understanding of what it looks like if the bad outcome is happening and when I would definitely need to ask for help or seek care.

    4. Sparkle Llama*

      Not sure if this helps with your particular problem but I find it helpful to prep my partner for Dr appointments by going through the “questions your doctor may ask” on the Mayo Clinic website for whatever the suspected issue is. That way he can think about the answers in a less stressful environment.

      You could also write down questions you often have and regret not asking and bring it with you future appointments for reference. I think it can be nice to ask what the next steps would be if the proposed plan doesn’t work or caused side effects and what should I call about vs what should wait for the follow up appt.

      1. Beauty School Dropout*

        Oh thank you I will check Mayo for those questions. I am often flummoxed by the questions and that puts me off the thing I wanted to get across.

        1. Magdalena*

          Just FYI the link didn’t work for me but I googled “nih gov talking to your doctor worksheets” and it was the first search result.

    5. Generic Name*

      I had had a minor in-office procedure and the doctor was rattling off a list of aftercare stuff for home. She was going fast and I couldn’t keep track of everything she said, so I asked if there was a written document with all that stuff on there, and she handed me a sheet. Much easier to follow. So asking for a written plan would help. You can also ask your doctor to define a term or repeat themselves if you’re not tracking what they’re saying. If you leave feeling confused, maybe you could ask for another appointment to go over stuff again?

    6. ronda*

      I did once tell a doctor, I dont know what you mean by that, and she got me more printed details on it. So depending on what it is that might work.

      But many things in medicine are…. it usually works this way, but other stuff could happen instead, so they kind of waffle about it a bit I think. (ie.. not a good answer to “is this fixable”).

      and after my recent surgery, I had a couple questions on the drain they put in. (teaching you about it when you have just come out of sedation might not be the best timing :). ) I called the nurse for that group and she answered the questions. They did provide good printed materials, I just found some stuff unclear.

    7. My Brain is Exploding*

      First, explain the problem (the symptoms you are having that are bringing you to the office) and what you’d like to see as a result (“my stomach has been hurting for 6 months and I want to know why and want it to stop”), and any concerns (I’m worried it might be cancer; what could be the causes of this). In a SOAP format, this is the Subjective – your symptoms. O is the Objective – signs the doctor finds (temperature, tenderness, etc.). A is their assessment – what they think the problem is (after running thru a differential diagnosis – what other things they’ve considered). Then they make a Plan – what action(s) to take. Next, if you don’t understand what they are telling you, ask them to repeat it/write it down/explain it, and if you want more info or they don’t answer what you are asking, REPEAT. Ask what outcome you should expect from whatever the Plan is (such as condition should resolve after 2 weeks of medication). Ask about possible adverse effects of any treatment, and under what conditions you should return (if meds don’t help after 2 weeks, etc.). It really helps if you have a doctor/team that will communicate via secure email, so if you have further questions you can message them in detail and they are a bit more likely to answer what you asked v what they thought they heard.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      The problem on their end with the first question might be that medical people don’t/can’t commit to concrete answers for changing medical issues, especially if complicated drug interactions or tests are involved. That’s why to them, “The effects of…” are the answers because it depends on so many factors.

      It’s okay to say so! “I understand there’s lots of things that can change, but from our current perspective, what do you think is the more likely outcome?”

    9. AnonRN*

      A couple of thoughts:
      1) An emergency setting is rarely going to be the place you get *the* answer. The focus in an emergency room is ruling out *really* emergent things first and then…maybe…figuring out what might be the problem or at least who you should probably see about it. I mean, if you come in with an obviously broken ankle then it’s pretty clear what the problem is! And they might set it right there in the emergency room but then likely they will refer you to an orthopedic surgeon to work out the definitive treatment. And a lot of things people come into the ER with aren’t so cut and dry…”it comes and goes” “mostly after I eat” “it feels like pressure more than pain” etc so the ER’s focus is trying to rule out anything deadly (is this a heart attack or reflux?) but they might well say “we don’t think this is a heart attack and we think you should see a GI specialist.” Honestly, even your primary care doctor might say that! Doctors around me always want to refer me to a specialist for any focused issue, but it means you leave the appointment *without* an answer or even a diagnosis…just another appointment somewhere else. I’m in the field & I get it but it’s a plodding process, especially if you’re in pain.

      2) “Is this fixable?” When you ask this I see doctors (I mostly work with surgeons) doing two things. First, they don’t want to over-commit and promise that it’s 100% fixable because you could be that one patient who has an intractable complication. But second, they almost never want to say “no, I’m sorry, I can’t fix this.” Maybe it’s because they’re surgeons? They’re eternally optimistic. But I work on an ICU and a patient can have a truly devastating picture and the surgeon will explain how the surgery might help one specific part of the patient because there is, technically, a chance that the surgery would help. It’s really hard for families to parse out sometimes because they’re being told that the overall picture is bad but there’s this glimmer of hope. Sometimes asking “what would happen if we did nothing?” will get you a more candid answer in a critical situation. I respect the doctors, don’t get me wrong! But they are trained to couch everything with some amount of grey area because there is always some grey area.

      3)Some general questions that *might* help are things like “how long does it typically take people to X after this procedure?” (where X is normal/baseline activity for you). “I hear you are proposing Y for my problem of Z. How will we know if Z is getting better after Y? More labs/imaging? At what interval?” “If we do Y, what do I need to do to prepare?” (some procedures you would need appointments for heart monitoring or labs prior to the procedure, others you might need to take or stop a medication, or modify your diet/activity/caffeine/nicotine intake.) It sounds like you’re already trying some of these, so you might need to drill them down on specific words or terms.

      4) For serious conditions, try asking your nurse. (probably not an option at an outpatient walk-in). As a nurse I can’t *interpret* your test results (the doctor has to do that) but I might be able to give you an explanation of *why* they’re doing the test, or I can explain/print out information about medications the doctors order. Some hospital systems have nurse navigators for serious conditions (like through their cancer center or heart failure center) for exactly this reason.

        1. Healthcare Worker*

          Also, many insurance companies offer a nurse navigator as a benefit. You might check to see if yours does, as they can help you navigate the situation.

        2. fposte*

          Sometimes also asking “What happens to most people with this?” or “What do most people usually do now?” can at least give you an idea of what the main road looks like even if it’s not your route.

    10. RagingADHD*

      I recommend bringing a notebook (or notes on your phone) where you have written down all your symptoms and the standard type of things practitioners tend to ask, like when did it start or when did you first notice it, how severe is it or does it limit you from regular activity, have you changed anything in your lifestyle or habits lately, etc.

      Then write down all the questions you plan to ask.

      During the appointment, tell them you made notes so you don’t forget anything, and keep referring back to it. Also write down what they tell you.

      This will force you to slow down a bit, not just nod and go along with what they say. And then you will have time to say, “wait, what does that mean?” or “How will I know if the treatment working?” or “Are there any warning signs that I should call you about?” and so forth.

    11. Wedge-tailed Eagle*

      All good advice so far. You could also try reflecting back to them what you do understand (and if you really don’t understand just take your best guess)

      ‘So what you’re saying is, you’re not sure why I keep sneezing glitter and rainbows, but I could have a unicorn living in my nose, so you’re going to use an enchanted mirror to look inside my nose, and if there is a unicorn up there, you will remove it using sunbeams and fairy dust, and then give me a magic potion to stop it happening again?’

      ‘If you look in my nose and there’s no unicorn in there, you don’t know what’s causing it, so I’d either have to see a specialist or learn to live with the glitter, right?’

      Even if you’re way off, it’ll show them that *they* need to be communicating better. Whether they take the hint or not is another matter. And you can always ask for a minute to process – I know doctors are busy, but if I had a unicorn up my nose it’d take a minute to wrap my head around that before I’d know if I had any questions or could truly grasp the implications of that.

      (my mum literally said to her oncologist ‘my immune system doesn’t have enough weapons, so this medicine is giving them more weapons to fight the bad guys?’ – lol)

      1. Shiny Penny*

        “my mum literally said to her oncologist ‘my immune system doesn’t have enough weapons, so this medicine is giving them more weapons to fight the bad guys?”

        I totally do this! I restate my understanding of the doctor’s summary, but in the simplest terms imaginable. (Especially when I’m helping my Mom at urgent care, and trying to facilitate clarity for us both.)
        I usually use some version of, “So you can’t tell us exactly why her stomach hurts, but you’ve done the 3 big tests now to rule out the top 3 worst-case causes. The next most likely problems are not life threatening, are really unpleasant to test for, AND are not really treatable here… So basically, there are no monsters in the closet here tonight, and we should follow up with her gastroenterologist, and use more OTC remedies?”

        I really feel it helps if *I* am the one to offer a super simplified summary. If I have it “right enough,” then I can increase the complexity of my questions again, as needed for additional clarification. But for us it helps if I go “maximally simple” first, to check our overall understanding of the big picture.

      2. Grits McGee*

        I’ll second this- my job involves getting people to explain complex government programs to me.* This technique is really really helpful for the explainer to calibrate how much jargon to use and how much they need to simplify, while also letting me know that I’m actively listening and invested in making sure I understand what they’re saying.

        *The amount of data and calculations that go into deciding what the federal government pays for milk is astonishing

    12. Morning Reading*

      I have sometimes requested to record the visit with my phone so that I can review later what was said and not have to take notes. Also bring a friend to take notes. It doesn’t help the interaction at the time but it helps me to retain the information. I always ask first and tell them the recording is for me only and I will delete after reviewing.

    13. Anonici*

      I understand some limitations to absolutes but it feels like some guidance is helpful/necessary at times. I went with my elderly parent to a regular appointment for macular degeneration. I asked the doctor if it was still safe for my parent to drive based on current vision. He responded that he couldn’t answer as it depended on a variety of factor and I should be in the car when they drive to observe. I clarified that I am asking based on current vision only. He refused to answer.
      It’s really frustrating.

    14. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      As other people have said, bringing information with you–symptoms if relevant, and a list of current medications–and taking notes at the appointment are both useful.

      At a walk-in clinic, I’d be asking “What should I do right now?” and “Should I follow up with my regular doctor?”

      With my primary care doctor, or a specialist, I sometimes send questions through MyChart, like “how soon should I notice an effect from this drug?” or “is there anything else I need to do right now?”

      Another useful question is for any sort of medical test they want to do: Will the results of this test make any difference to my treatment? Usually that gets me something like “if it’s negative, you don’t need an antibiotic,” but occasionally they realize it won’t, and I can be spared a bit of discomfort and/or expense.

    15. Meh*

      Medical professionals are never going to give you certainty, for 2 reasons. The first is that there is always some uncertainty. The other is that in the US at least there is huge fear of malpractice suits.

      That being said, in an ideal world all docs would spend the time to explain and answer questions to your satisfaction. This doesn’t happen either because as others have said “time constraints” and “forget that not everyone speaks medicalese”. And there ARE some jerks who truly should be allowed to interact with other humans, never mind care for them (few but not 0, and more if you are a minority)

      In the end you will need to do your own research and be your own advocate. Healthcare has becomes so compartmentalized and docs under so much pressure to keep up with ‘productivity’ that it really impacts pt experience and often the actual quality of care.

      Keep a piece of paper than has important medical history and insist that the doc make it part of your chart. Keep copies of all your labs, imaging, etc results. If you ask nicely during the visit, you can often get it for free – if you go back a few days later for it, they often charge.

    16. Girasol*

      I had good luck the other day when someone was giving me an ambiguous “depends on this and this and this…” sort of answer. So I asked, “If your mother was in this situation and she asked you that question, what would you tell her?” Suddenly the answer became much clearer.

      1. Anonymous cat*

        On a lighter note with this—

        I was talking to a doctor younger than me and I asked a similar question. She started to answer “if you were my mo—sister! I would still say (answer).”

        It cracked me up that she switched so quickly to a younger relative!
        And then I followed her advice.

    17. SofiaDeo*

      If you or family members/pets have recurring problems or a chronic condition, the more you can learn about the basics and whatever tests/labwork involved with the diagnosis, the better. The more knowledgeable you become, the better. Not only will you know what questions to ask, you will generally get better answers if they get the feeling you are more knowledgable.

      For example, I have CLL. While the White Blood Count is something routinely measured during blood tests, it’s certain subset white cells that are important and need to be monitored. The WBC overall could stay the same over time, but certain subsets might become dangerously low with others increasing, making it appear nothing has changed. So knowing the WBC isn’t used, and instead asking questions about the subsets, gives a better answer.

      Decades ago, some healthcare professionals had and took the time to educate/explain things. That may not happen nowadays. But if you know the specific type questions to ask, you often will get a lengthier, more detailed answer.

    18. anxiousGrad*

      One thing is that you might not be getting good answers to questions like “is this fixable?” because they genuinely don’t have a good answer for you.

      I have found that I’ve had much more successful appointments since I’ve adopted the following strategy: 1) write down all of my questions beforehand (I keep a running notes tab of questions for my doctor so that I can add questions throughout the year as I have symptoms, not just right before the appointment, because I tend to downplay the severity of my symptoms if I’m not experiencing them at the moment that I’m making my list of questions); 2) write down the doctor’s answers during the appointment; 3) repeat back to the doctor all of the instructions they gave me at the end of the appointment to make sure I understand (this is a new one I added in after I found out by a text from CVS that my doctor wanted me to take a medication, but he didn’t even mention the medication in the appointment). I usually write the questions and answers in my phone, so I just make sure to tell the doctor that so they don’t think I’m being rude by looking at my phone during the appointment.

    19. Anonymous cat*

      Seconding or thirding the advice to have a written list! It helps me focus so much! I put it in my phone and update it between appointments.

      Also when I leave, I sit down in the waiting room and write down the answers to all my questions plus any new info or changes to meds.
      If the question comes up again, I have it to check.

      Also for a general suggestion, keep an up to date list of meds in your wallet or on your phone. Offices are so delighted when I pull out my phone and start comparing my list to their records.
      I generally know what I’m taking but need to check dosages.

    20. Nightengale*

      I often have difficulty getting my questions answered and concerns addressed – and I’m a doctor myself!

      Doctors take classes in communicating with people but the classes often are so scripted that they aren’t helpful with real patients. And a lot of health providers don’t have very much being experience with being patients with chronic concerns so they don’t “feel” what they would want in the same situation. It’s a mess.

      Anyone ordering a test should be able to tell you what the next step is if the test does or doesn’t show something. If you don’t get an answer, you could ask more specifically – would it likely be more tests? A referral to a specialist? A medication or procedure? (if you are asking a general person like in an urgent care or primary care, they may not know what the treatment might be but they should know which specialist would know that answer and how to get you to that specialist)

      One thought with “fixable” – you might want to ask this more specifically. Do you mean, a short course of medication or procedure that makes the problem go away completely? A medication that treats symptoms but needs to be taken indefinitely? Medication or physical therapy that can make pain decrease but doesn’t address the underlying problem? Different problems fit into different categories.

      Also you definitely have the right to have medical jargon including diagnoses, tests, etc explained to you to your satisfaction. It can help to paraphrase your understanding back to them so they have a place to start. Otherwise they may either shove more jargon at you or give such general platitudes there is no answer buried in there. I can’t give certainties – EVER – but I can give a general time frame of how long a treatment takes to work or the percent of people who usually have a specific side effect from medications I typically prescribe.

      I will leave you with the most spectacular example of poor physician communication I have ever witnessed. Patient was in the hospital and recovering from surgery. We came through on rounds. The patient asked what seemed to be a very straightforward question, “can I go home today?”

      The doctor answered – on his way out the door – “we need to optimize every physiologic parameter.”

      (One of the junior doctors on the team reassured the patient that he would talk to the surgeon and return with an actual answer, and did so.)

  7. Leggings???*

    I’m looking for leggings that:
    a) have pockets
    b) aren’t see through when you bend over
    c) are size inclusive and will fit well on my size 16-18 body and
    d) are mid calf length

    I use them primarily for my workouts. Any suggestions? Thanks!

    1. Blue wall*

      I got some great ones that fit those markers from LIVI, Lane Bryant’s active wear brand.

      1. Name J*

        The LIVI soft are some of the most comfortable leggings I’ve ever owned. Highly recommend.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      I’m size 18 and really like Old Navy’s athletic leggings. There are some with a more jersey knit texture that I wear as normal pants and then the shiny spandex style for working out. Some don’t have pockets, some are a small “hidden” pocket in the waistband, and some have a larger size/thigh pocket.

    3. Alex*

      I’m a size 20-ish and my favorite leggings that hit all those marks are actually victoria’s secret size xxl. One really great feature is that there is an internal drawstring that you can tie (if you like) so they don’t slip down as you are working out. They also are just really flattering–they hold everything in! I probably would never have tried them except I found them in a thrift shop.

      Old navy has tons of different options–lengths, fabrics, pocket configurations, sizes…they have it all. I like the high waisted ones because they are less likely to slide down (as you can tell, I’m constantly having issues with my leggings sliding down as I’m working out!)

    4. BikeWalkBarb*

      Universal Standard has a fantastic size range. Everything I’ve gotten from them has been as described for fabric and fit and they have pockets in pants, workout leggings, and bike shorts (without the padding of real cycling shorts, super handy). Lots of their dresses have pockets, too, if you’re ever in the market for those.

    5. One of the many librarians*

      Snag has comfortable, size-inclusive leggings but I’m not sure if the Short sizes are as short as you want. Two pockets, not see- through at all.

    7. Andromeda*

      My girlfriend gifted me some Fabletics ones that hit all of your criteria except:
      – they are ankle length (they do sell capris)
      – the company that sells them is a bit dodgy

      I reckon if you look on Depop, Poshmark etc you’ll be able to find some second hand though. I actually think the sports bra I have is also from there, also thrifted.

    8. Leggings*

      I love the LIVIs, too, but they are usually out of my price range. I bought the NEW YOUNG 3 pack plus size of leggings from Amazon. My usual size is a 16, and the long ones fit perfectly, the capris are a little big. All sturdy, soft, with pockets and have held up to many washings. Between $30-35 for a pack of three.

    9. RussianInTexas*

      I just received these from Amazon, they got all your points, and like them. Despite what the name say, they aren’t super compressing or tight, I don’t like that. I am size 18-20 and XXL fit.
      IUGA High Waist Yoga Pants with Pockets, Leggings for Women Tummy Control, Workout Leggings for Women 4 Way Stretch

    10. Voldemort’s cousin*

      I love Skechers leggings. I’m a size 14 and they really pull my waist in and don’t budge.

    11. Vanessa*

      I ordered some from 32 degrees (I think I had seen it at Costco and then went to the website). Cheap and great. Perfect thickness. Good pockets. Nice texture. The waist doesn’t roll down (I wear sz 12) And about $10 pair.

      1. Voluptuousfire*

        +1 for Torrid.

        They have regular leggings that have pockets and capri length and don’t show your undies if you bend over. Those are regular legginfs, not workout ones. You’d probably be a size 1 or 2, depending on your measurements.

    13. Spacewoman Spiff*

      If you’re game to spend a little $$, Oiselle might be a good fit. I think they only have a couple 3/4 leggings though. They aren’t cheap, but I’ve found their workout gear is MUCH better than any other brand, I pretty much exclusively wear them now. And it’s run by women!

    15. TeaCoziesRUs*

      Target has some excellent ones! (I have 8 pairs in black and 2 in Navy that are basically old school yoga pants with bootcut flair… they’re basically my uniform.)

      Also I like the capris from JCPenney’s xersion line.

      Both of my recommendations hold my phone/wallet combo, a pair of clunky keys, earbuds, etc.

      1. TeaCoziesRUs*

        Oh yeah, I’m a size 20 Tall – I love Target because they’re actually LONG enough!

  8. Peanut Hamper*

    Questions about Linux? Ask me anything!

    Linux occasionally comes up in this weekend thread, so I thought I would give anyone who is Linux-curious a chance to ask questions. I don’t have anything planned for the weekend, so I’ll try to log on a lot this weekend and answer any questions people have. (FWIW, I’ve been using Linux for about 15 years, mostly Ubuntu, but also Mint, Cinnamon, Kubuntu, and Linux Lite.)

    Also, if you have experience with Linux, please feel free to jump in. The Linux universe is huge, and everybody’s experience is unique. I would love to hear from other AAMers how they use Linux.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Hahaha that was my exact thought but I was too shy to speak up. I think it’s … an operating system? So it’s like Windows or whatever apple computers run on. But open source, which is probably … great, for people several leagues above my level of understanding.

        1. grumpy*

          Yes, Linux is a computer operating system, like Windows or MacOS. I’ve been using linux for about 30 years. One advantage it has over the others (less so Mac, because of the history of OSX) is that you can do almost everything by only typing (no mousing). Looking for a file? can find it by typing alone. you can search through every file in your computer for ones that contain the phrase “trees are blue” only by typing. This is good, because moving your hands/arms/wrists around can contribute to repetitive strain injury – whereas you can position your hands correctly over a keyboard and *never* have to move them. So, some people really like Linux as an operating system because they want to control their computer experience(*), and others (like me) like it because it’s far less injurious to my hands.

          (*) I liken this to: once you’re a good sewist, and can make perfectly fitting clothes, you never want to go back to off-the-rack, because why would you want to wear something that’s somewhat uncomfortable. It’s like that, but for computer operating systems.

      2. Undergarment nerd*

        It’s an operating system like Windows or MacOS, but open source and usually free (there are a few exceptions), which means that anyone can see the source code. As for why that’s important, look up the XYZ hack (I’ll post a link in the reply) – this almost destroyed the internet if it hadn’t been caught when it was. Admittedly the hack shows the weak points of open source software, but it also shows it’s strength.

        Like windows it can also be used on servers, but it can also be used on a normal PC for everyday use. I, for example, run Linux on a gaming PC and it works fine. There’s even Linux distributions that are made to closely resemble Windows or MacOS, though they tend to be much more efficient (Windows especially is a storage space hog). As a bonus, many Linux distros can run on older hardware, and a few distros are even specifically made to run on old hardware.

    2. Linux Hopeful*

      Oh, this is great timing! I’ll be building a new desktop computer in a few weeks, and I want to move from Windows to Linux. What version would you recommend for someone who is fairly computer-savvy but doesn’t want to spend a bunch of time fiddling with things? I have a bit of experience with Ubuntu but that was years ago. Thank you!

      1. David*

        Nice, good luck! Well, Ubuntu or one of its derivatives (e.g. Kubuntu, if you want a look and feel that’s a bit closer to Windows) is probably good to start with. I think it’s still the most popular Linux distribution or close to it, in large part because it does give a relatively smooth user experience where you don’t have to spend a bunch of time fiddling with things to get it to work. It’s not really that big a deal though, because switching from one Linux distribution to another is much more straightforward than switching between Windows and Linux, so you’re not going to be locked in.

        Just make sure to do a bit of research on the hardware you’re getting for your new computer to see if there are known Linux compatibility problems, because that’s where a lot of the fiddling comes from. If you haven’t chosen your hardware yet and you want to be extra safe, you can look out for components that specifically say they work on Linux, or (maybe better yet) where the reviews mention that they work on Linux. I find the reviews on Newegg are pretty good for this.

      2. Undergarment nerd*

        Ubuntu and derivatives are definitely a good choice, though you may want to look into whether or not your components have proprietary drivers (like an Nvidia video card for example). I know PopOS offers a version of their OS which already has the Nvidia drivers baked in because it’s a distro recommended for gaming, but it should be doable on most Linux distros to get the right drivers.

      3. o_gal*

        And here us a tip for those who don’t know. It is pronounced with a short I sound, like pin. Not pine. Created by a guy named Linus Torvalds, again with a short I, not like Peanuts character Linus. I remember when he posted to Usenet that he had this OS he wanted people to try out.

    3. Six Feldspar*

      Are there common programs that can’t be installed with linux? I know Libre Office is an alternative for Microsoft, but do programs like qgis, autocad, adobe photo suite work with it?

      It certainly sounds like a system worth trying because I’m getting real sick of Microsoft and I’m not expecting anything better from Apple. On the other hand i only have one laptop and i don’t want to try converting it to a linux system and end up bricking it…

      1. Anima*

        Adobe definitely does not play with Linux – that’s the only reason I use Windows for work.
        Krita has become a Photoshop- replacement, tough, in my opinion at least.
        I don’t know about autocad and Co, though…

        1. Peanut Hamper*

          I just found out that Krita will also do 2D animation.

          I also use GIMP for editing photographs.

      2. Undergarment nerd*

        Dual booting is an option, if your laptop has the storage space. Basically you install both Windows and Linux next to one another and pick which one you need. Alternatively, there’s the option of using virtual machines.

        Another option is Wine (and Steam’s Proton which is a fork of Wine) to help run Windows programs, though I’m not sure how well the programs you mention run on Wine. What Wine basically does is form a translation layer between the software and your OS so you can use Windows programs on Linux, though it can be fiddly to ge things to work.

        1. Peanut Hamper*

          Wine Is Not an Emulator — the name is a recursive acronym.

          Most emulators try to simulate a Windows system call. What Wine does is figure out what kind of system call the Windows software is asking for and throws it to an equivalent Linux system call. I’ve never used it before, but I’ve heard that some Windows programs can actually run better under Wine than they do in Windows. I keep meaning to try this out.

          1. Undergarment nerd*

            I can’t complain about Wine, so far everything I’ve tried works perfectly well.

            I’d also recommend getting Winetricks – it’s a helper script for Wine to download redistributable runtime libraries that may be necessary to get things to work.

      3. Peanut Hamper*

        A lot of Linux distributions will let you start up from a disk or jump drive, so that you can test out the operating system before installing it. That’s a good way to take it for a test drive before fulling committing to it.

      4. Lady Alys*

        QGIS definitely works (I have installed on my PopOS laptop); not sure about AutoCAD, and as for Adobe, there are replacement apps like the GIMP, Inkscape, Scribus, etc.

    4. Anima*

      Did you know you can play most games on Linux using Steam and Proton? It’s pretty neat!
      (For context, my household is a Linux-only household exempt for my work PC, which is windows. Husband is using Linux since forever, I’m on Linux (Ubuntu) since about 6 years. I’m not very knowledgeable, but I can do the basics and get help from hubby when I run into bigger problems.)

      1. Undergarment nerd*

        And for users of other game stores, Lutris and the Heroic Games Launcher can also be interesting to look into.

    5. A Book about Metals*

      I will always have a spot in my heart for Ubuntu, as it was the philosophy that carried the Celtics to their 2008 title run

    6. GoryDetails*

      Slight digression here, but it does feature a riff on some unusual uses for Linux: there’s a very amusing book by Lucy A. Snyder called Installing Linux on a Dead Badger and Other Oddities, featuring necromancy and technology – and, yes, installing Linux on a dead badger (or other animals in the same family, though “an adapter may be required”), complete with minimum installation requirements, OS versions, etc.

  9. Lala*

    yes, constantly, and I’ll be reading with interest.
    Though I’m inclined to just say it is both a lack of time and bad medicine.
    I saw a medical professional this week and even though it was uncomfortable, I was open and truthful with her (which I really, really try hard to be with all the medical people I see). But she didn’t believe me, even though she was nice about it.
    Someone told me later that medical professionals are told to always think people lie to them.
    I mean, I sort of understand. But also think it can be a source of issues, like this disconnect.

    1. Beauty School Dropout*

      Ah you are responding to my comment above I think!! Yes to lack of time, definitely – they are pressed, they have a lot of cases that are probably at least as urgent as mine, etc. But I often find them to be kind and seemingly competent people who seem to genuinely want to help, and yet – (not to say you don’t just get a bad one sometimes, or that they don’t become jaded over time, as you say).

    2. Healthcare Worker*

      I’m a medical professional, and I can assure you we have been taught to be honest and open with our clients. We may not have the answers, though, which can be frustrating to the recipient.

      1. Healthcare Worker*

        Oh, I misread the comment! No, I don’t automatically assume clients are lying to me, but I do consider they may not be fully telling me the whole story. That may be due to embarrassment or not recognizing the importance of seemingly small details. Good follow up questions are important.

    3. Me... Just Me (as always)*

      I’m a medical provider and I’ve never heard anyone suggest that. I assume my patients are telling me their truth, through their eyes, which might be a little different than what is actually happening. It’s my job to figure out how to positively impact their situation. Sometimes (often) there aren’t clear cut ways to do things. I work in Neurology.

      1. Nightengale*

        House was a terrible representation of medicine but I do think Dr House’s catchphrase “everyone lies” does reflect a widespread belief in medicine. For example, “patient admits” and “patient denies” are commonly used in reports to describe symptoms. It would be one thing to say “denies” when it is something like “despite a test positive for cocaine, Mr Such and Such denies cocaine use” but it is for things like “patient denies chest pain.” I think that language both reflects – and perpetuates – the idea that patients often lie. Which is why I have gone through EHR checklists and removed any admit/deny language, as well as referring to people as “patient” rather than with names or pronouns.

        I had a ridiculous interaction with a coworker the other day. I’m a doctor and she is support staff. The parent had made an appointment for one of her children in the morning of a specific date. A few weeks later, a cancellation spot opened up later on that same date and the parent got an automatic text message offering it for the sibling. I had suspected the parent had accepted the second visit without immediately realizing it was the same day but 3 hours later – that they had just checked they didn’t have anything else scheduled at that exact time. I asked the staff to reach out to the family and see if they wanted to bring both children in together rather than make 2 separate trips in one day.

        The support staff member felt that the parent HAD to have known because the parent had access to the patient portal. I asked the parent if she had realized they were the same day and she said no, not when she had accepted the appointment, only later on. The other staff member continued to – not believe that – with an undercurrent of how naïve I must be that I did.

  10. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing, and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I haven’t gotten a ton of gaming in this week but am looking forward to some Final Fantasy 9 this weekend. Also, I’ve been listening to a fun podcast (Canada by Night) where people are playing Vampire the Masquerade. Not convinced that I want to play VtM now but I’m loving listening to other people playing it!

    1. Peanut Hamper*

      I need to look for that podcast.

      I miss gaming with other people IRL, although I never did a lot of it. Does anyone know if there’s an online equivalent that is basically the modern version of correspondence chess? I could really get into that at this point.

      1. Shiara*

        Absolutely! More details depends on what sort of gaming you’re interested in. For general board games there’s Board Game Arena, or Tabletop Simulator on steam.

        For ttrpgs, there’s a wide range of options and places to find ways to game online. Some forums (like paizo’s community forums) and discord communities offer play by post for asynchronous play, or roll20 is one of several platforms for remote play.

      2. Andromeda*

        I played a lot of online Scrabble over the pandemic — there’s a nice site that lets you play in real time, but zero voice chat and limited text.

      3. Jackalope*

        The podcast is by a group called Dumbdumbs and Dice. They do a wide range of games including the aforementioned VtM, D&D, Warhammer, a Star Wars game, and more. As the name suggests they are a humor podcast, but not the stupid slapstick I originally feared. Canada by Night, for example, has a lot of funny moments, but also has actual characters and something of a through line (Although I’ve gotten a long ways into it and so that line has changed a lot, meandered, etc.). Would recommend. I started listening because I wanted to get a feel for VtM and didn’t have any friends who were interested, so I thought I’d listen to others playing and see if I wanted to go to the work of finding an online group or something.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I tried a VR headset for the first time this week (not in a gaming setting), and I loved it. It was so cool. Now I want one — I want to play games in VR environments!

      Not any Silent Hill, though; too scary lol.

    4. Amory Blaine*

      Playing Sushi Go (party version) with my 5 year old! She has an amazing memory for each card’s rules and loves making our own menus. She beat me for the first time this week and I was so proud of her!!

    5. Aneurin*

      I Kickstarted the Cascadia dice games (Rolling Rivers and Rolling Hills) a while back and they arrived this week! Looking forward to playing those soon.

      This weekend, I’m hoping to start playing my (also Kickstarted) copy of Koriko: A Magical Year, a solo journaling TTRPG where you play a teenaged witch going to a new city for a year. One of the creator’s inspirations was Studio Ghibli (especially Kiki’s Delivery Service) and it looks lovely and gentle and meditative.

    6. English Rose*

      The new Sims4 expansion pack – Lovestruck – just dropped and I had a lot of fun with that yesterday evening.

    7. Undergarment nerd*

      I’ve been obsessed with Cult of the Lamb lately. Having followers Ascend when you don’t have the Belief in Afterlife Doctrine sure is an experience.

    8. RussianInTexas*

      Last weekend I finally beat my friend in Ark Nova. My board game group is super tough, and it’s a tough game, and I am inordinately proud of myself.

    9. Dr. KMnO4*

      I recently moved to the city where most of my friends live, and it’s opened up the chance for me to play games with people in person.

      Last night I played Magic, Commander format, with a few people and today I’m playing Warhammer Age of Sigmar with a different group of people! It’s amazing to have a social circle again!

      I also decided to give Tears of the Kingdom another shot. I tried it when it first came out and struggled with the changes from BotW, especially the weapon degradation and the puzzles. I’m getting the hang of it now, but I still prefer BotW.

    10. Margali Claire*

      We snagged a free copy of Wingspan! I really enjoy playing it, but we’re still pretty new to it so game play takes a while. Still one of the prettiest games I’ve ever played.

    11. Potatohead*

      Saturdays are board gaming day at my local store. There’s always a Ticket to Ride or Power Grid going, frequently a Wyrmspan being set up, and I’m always happy to be getting in on a game of Clank! Sadly I can’t find anyone else who likes Galaxy Trucker, so that one ends up sitting in my closet at home. I could go on for paragraphs listing all the different games I’ve seen…

    12. Nicki Name*

      Enjoying Cat in the Box, which just got added to BGA. It’s like bridge but you get to decide what cards are in your hand after they’ve been dealt.

  11. Peanut Hamper*

    There are some very vivid descriptions of sandwiches

    Okay, now that’s a book I have to read.

      2. Hazel*

        In case you don’t know, Catherine Newman is a long term blogger who not surprisingly writes about food and family a lot. She is now ‘Crone Sandwich’ on Substack but her old blog with loads of recipes is BenandBirdy. I haven’t read the book yet but her online writing is just beautiful.

  12. Sneedo*

    I just want to thank Alison for all the advice she’s given us over the years. I’ve personally used the scripts she’s provided to talk my way out of getting fired on at least two occasions. I work for a small family-owned business so a lot of the stuff about HR departments and DEI doesn’t really apply in my situation but I enjoy reading Alison’s responses anyway.

    Thanks again for all the great advice!

    1. Sloanicota*

      Aw, I agree. And I can’t believe the volume of content and moderation, even when there’s obviously stuff going on in her own life and we’re yammering away in the comments accidentally causing drama.

      2. Isabel Archer*

        Speaking of which, Alison, are you able to share how is your mom doing with her cancer treatment? Please forgive me if this question is an overstep. I posted in March about how I’d just quit my job with nothing lined up, and was going to spend the following 3 months recovering from burnout. Two weeks into that, my mom died suddenly and unexpectedly. It’s been…as awful as it sounds.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Oh no, I’m so sorry. That’s terrible. I hope you’re doing OK. I know you are probably not.

          My mom is … well, she’d probably say she’s doing OK, although the new treatment we’d hoped would work is not working, and they are suggesting either more chemo or a clinical trial. She is exhausted by two straight years of intensive medical stuff (and the chemo sounds like it would only get her a few extra months, on average, versus doing nothing — and she’d feel crappy for much of it). So she is considering declining further treatment, but is still thinking about her options.

          She didn’t expect to get this much time so that’s at least been an unexpected gift. Because she’s not currently on any treatment, she’s not dealing with side effects of anything for the first time in a while, so she actually feels pretty good, although we are acutely aware that that could change at any time.

          She’s having something called fairy hair put in soon, which I guess is sparkly strands woven into your real hair? She’s excited about that. She sent me some selfies of herself grinning widely while standing over her pre-purchased cemetery plot? In that respect, she is exactly the same as ever.

          1. English Rose*

            Alison and Isabel, so sorry to hear about both your Moms.
            I lost mine over 20 years ago but have such amazing memories. Alison, your mom sounds a bit like mine – straightforward and gutsy. She would so have been into fairy hair!

          2. Isabel Archer*

            Thank you. I’m definitely not OK, and now I have to start job searching, which as everyone on AAM knows is soul-destroying in the best of circumstances.

            Thank you so much for the update on your mom! She sounds like an amazing combo of plucky and pragmatic (literal LOL over the pic of the gravesite, like it was a new car or something), and still joyful despite the cancer treatment side effects. Whatever she decides about continuing treatment, I’m glad you got this “extra” time together, and wish your family the best.

          4. FACS*

            If I may, there is a wonderful book called “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande. It is a deeply thoughtful book about the conversations physicians think they are having vs the ones they actually are.

          6. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            Thinking good thoughts for you and your Mom, Alison, and for you as well, Isabel.

            And best of luck with the job search, Isabel!

    2. Magdalena*

      Yes, this site is such a treasure and I’m so grateful to Alison not just for the main content but for creating a site culture that sparks thoughtful engagement.
      I do not think it’s a coincidence that this site happens to have such insightful and respectful commentariat.
      Also it’s become my main source of reading inspiration.

    3. the cat's ass*

      Agreed, this blog, Alison, and the commentariat have been an absolute godsend for me both in and out of work. I’m so grateful, and appreciate the update about your mom, as well!

    4. AGD*

      This blog got me through a years-long surprise stint among Evil Bees without questioning myself. I never lost sight of which way was up, and I think that would have happened almost automatically otherwise. I weathered the storm, stayed out of the way of most of the really bad stuff, and even stepped in to help out a few others who were in the crossfire. I’m very thankful!

    5. Anonymous cat*

      I agree! And it’s such practical, straightforward advice that we can use!

      I’ve also learned a lot about general employment practices and laws that haven’t come up for me personally, but I’d never been taught them.

      I also think this site is a good resource for young people new to the workforce. So many questions about appropriate behavior in the workplace (for both employees AND employers) that might not be covered in school workshops.

      I’m including everything from whether a boss can withhold your paycheck for illegal reasons to whether it’s okay for someone to call you after midnight to give them a ride when you’re definitely not employed as a driver!

      (That last one—it might be legal but it’s NOT okay. And it turned out the guy’s credit card was maxed out so he had many issues and was not employed there much longer.)

  13. Feeling Feline*

    I would love to have some book recommendations please!

    Genre of preference: Mystery, horror, thrillers. Only scifi I like are where the science are solid. Short stories are fine too.

    Strong preference: A book emphasis on treating the story as a puzzle. Ones that want the reader to solve the puzzle, giving the readers all the clues and tools at first half of the book, and strong intetnal logic. If it’s set in a supernatural/scifi verse, the plot need to make sense within the verse, and is a complete mystery that can be solved based on the information given. Think classic Agatha Christie.

    Like: UK/Australia based writers. Love: International writers from a non-Anglo background.

    Prefer to avoid: Anything too US culturally specific, historical Anglo settings older than 1800s, the detective’s personal life takes over the actual story, Tolkien style fantasy.

    Hard no: any romance, even as a minor subplot. Cats harmed.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      The Appeal by Hallett. Mystery set in a quaint English village, and the body doesn’t drop until halfway through. Told through epistles–mostly emails–that actually read like emails, so it’s more people’s feelings about the events than “Dear Mom, Here is an hour-by-hour telling of the events of my day” that can plague the genre. Set as a puzzle to two law associates(?) where the senior lawyer wants them to pull out clues to cast reasonable doubt as to the assumed killer.

      If I can recommend something I haven’t read, Tade Thompson does some horror with The Murders of Molly Southbourne, which I have skipped as I don’t like horror. But I really liked the sci fi stories of his I read.

      Have you read The Martian? It’s the hardest of sci fi, and all around solving a string of problems.

      1. AGD*

        Seconding The Martian. And maybe Project Hail Mary, which is a bit of a puzzle and very science-y.

      2. Patty Mayonnaise*

        I was also going to recommend The Deacagon House Murders! Total Agatha Christie vibes!

      3. Feeling Feline*

        I’m making a start on The Appeal, and it’s already absolutely hooking me in. Thank you.

    2. Mitchell Hundred*

      The only one that comes to mind for me is “The Islanders” by Christopher Priest. He was a UK-based writer who wrote the novel that the movie “The Prestige” was based on. The book is classified as sci-fi, but really it’s more like a hidden story (disguised as a travel guide) set on a different planet at roughly the same level of technological development as our own. It’s very non-linear, and at one point Priest seems to be telling his readers to approach the text in ways that are different from the way he’s presenting it to the reader.

      1. Mitchell Hundred*

        Oh wait, I just remembered that a couple of the chapters are short stories that include romance in the plot. Disregard, I guess.

    4. Nicki Name*

      Something I’m reading right now that might fit the bill: Ovidia Yu’s Crown Colony series. Murder mysteries set in 1930s-1940s Singapore, and so far (book 4) the main character has had zero interest in romance.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      Poop, I really want to recommend Sara Gran’s Claire Dewitt novels, but they are very US specific. They are extremely terrific, though!

    6. Six Feldspar*

      Six Wakes by Mur Lafferty starts with a puzzle and I don’t remember any romance, it’s been a couple of years since I read it though.

      1. Feeling Feline*

        It did have a romance subplot, but it wasn’t obstructive to the main story so it’s still a pretty enjoyable read.

      1. Feeling Feline*

        The September House is good, and while set in US, it never gave me the vibe that people who are not from US exist solely as diversity props, hence I loved it. I don’t mind things set in US, it’s a specific subtype that’s becoming far too common for my liking.

    8. Atheist Nun*

      Have you read any mystery novels by Japanese authors? I have read a few books from Pushkin Press’s Japanese crime series, and I feel they are structured almost as mathematical problems. You are presented with various clues, and the solution is a logic puzzle. I found they were not to my taste: too analytical without the level of character development and social commentary that I enjoy in fiction. But perhaps you will like them? I read Murder in the Crooked House by Soji Shimada and The Decagon House Murders by Yukito Ayatsuji. Another book in this vein is Silent Parade by Keigo Higashino (not Pushkin Press).

      In general, I wonder if a locked room mystery would appeal to you?

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I read Murder in the Crooked House as well and agree it would fit the criteria: I had a helluva time sorting the characters due the lack of development, but the puzzle was well built, as I recall.

      2. Feeling Feline*

        When I wrote this post, I was exactly thinking ほん‐かく/本格 subgenre, which unfortunately isn’t quite a subgenre in English yet. Keigo Higashino can be too armchair sociologist for my liking, but I sure love the more mathematical ones.

    9. I strive to Excel*

      This one might be a stretch but:

      The Five Red Herrings, by Dorothy Sayer.

      Classic murder mystery. The background behind it is that a bunch of reviewers were irritated that she had included an increasingly significant amount of viewpoint from a female character in her prior books, and that she was introducing a romantic subplot. So she gave them all the Five Red Herrings, which is a pure detective mystery novel. It plays by “the rule” of giving the reader the same kind of information as is being given to the characters so you can solve along with it.

    10. Retired Accountant*

      Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone, if you haven’t already read it. The Rules of Detective Fiction are explicit in the plot. And it’s funny.

      1. Maria*

        I just finished this and was going to suggest it too!

        For OP: It’s written by an Australian author and set in Australia.

      2. Feeling Feline*

        I loved that book. The sequel unfortunately overstayed its welcome, but the original was incredibly fun.

    12. Tiny clay insects*

      (haven’t read the comments yet, so I may not be the first person to say this–if so,take it as further proof you should read it)

      Everyone In My Family Has Killed Someone by Benjamin Stevenson. It’s a thriller, it’s a solvable puzzle, it’s Australian, I can’t recommend it highly enough. and it has a fun sequel, too!

    14. RagingADHD*

      You know, as a writer I underestimated the significance of cats’ wellbeing in a detective story. In one of my books, the killer accidentally poisoned a cat instead of the intended victim. My intent in the story was to evoke sympathy and reinforce that the villain was very evil.

      People got *way* more upset about the cat than I expected. I probably should have killed off another human side character instead.

      1. Feeling Feline*

        It’s very context-dependent. I’m not from Anglo background, I found with non-Anglo cultures, cats are just cats and dogs are just dogs, and there tend to be minimal other implications. Anglo culture can have this odd culture gendered metaphor with dogs=men cats=women, and people really let their misogyny out based on how much they like to fantasise about hurting cats. The most interesting example was a book I loved, written by a professional dog rescuer. The book was about gendered violence and misogyny, and she intentionally included a particular graphic death of a dog, because as a dog rescuer she recognised that men will be shocked by dogs being harmed, while are entirely ok with women being murdered. And this was the only way to get to the men readers.

        I even loved a Japanese book where a nest of cats were killed, because the culture context made it very clear that it was not a subconscious wish of harming women. It also helped that the Big Bad was killed by the only kitten left over.

  14. Morning Dew*

    Do you have a favorite bag of chips that you can eat a lot of in one sitting?
    Mine is Sun Chips original. What’s yours?

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        Oh my god, yes to anything Marmite! I haven’t had it in ages because it’s so expensive in the States.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Welp. Let’s just say there’s reasons I buy chips in single serving bags. :-P

      Plain Ruffles, if I also have a tub of Dean’s French onion dip. Puff-style Cheetos. Original nacho cheese Doritos.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Lol, can relate! If I get a favorite onion dip (Axelrod’s or Bernea Farms, if they still make that in Michigan), I can eat a ton of lower-salt Ruffles. I buy in single-serving bags if I can too.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I am not very good at being conscious of what I eat, I just nibble while doing other stuff until I realize I’m out of food. I know it’s a bit wasteful, between packaging and the not-cost-effectiveness, but single serving packets are why my pants still fit.

          1. Lala*

            I tell myself that my health is expensive too and I’ve learned to buy that stuff pretty much without a qualm. Though my grocery expenses really are outrageous.

      2. GoryDetails*

        Another plain-Ruffles fan here. (Though for me any size bag is a single serving, so there’s that…) My French onion dip of choice is the Lipton’s-soup-mix-and-sour-cream kind.

      3. Forrest Rhodes*

        For some reason, it’s been years since I’ve been able to find the low-salt Ruffles in my major Western city—much disappointment!
        The low-salt part is a benefit, but those chips were much less fragile than the regular Ruffles and never seemed to break off in the dip! (Hardly a major problem, I know, but I still miss the low-salt variety.)

    3. anon24*

      Salt and vinegar kettle cooked chips. Hated them my whole life and now I’m addicted.

      Also, Fritos, but I haven’t eaten them in a long time.

    4. Middle Aged Lady*

      Crunchy Cheetos! My nephew taught me that you can eat them with chopsticks so you don’t get orange fingers. So no one will ever know I ate the whole bag, ha ha.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        I like how your nephew thinks! I’ve also been using chopsticks just to avoid “orange finger syndrome” and it works like a charm!

      2. Amory Blaine*

        Oh my gosh. Best life hack ever. I once set a day aside for finalizing paperwork, and for some reason brought cheetos and pomegranate seeds for snacks… there was a lot of reprinting!! If only I had had chopsticks and a spoon!

    6. Dark Macadamia*

      I tried these “chickpea veggie crisps” one time and they are so good. Not greasy like most chips but very satisfying in the salt+crunch area, and I eat too many of them because I can pretend they’re healthy lol. I was so disappointed when my grocery store stopped selling them.

    8. Peanut Hamper*

      In the Before Times, Aldi had a lentil chip that was simply amazing. I managed to get it twice and then they stopped offering it. hashtag #bummed hashtag #aldiwhyyougottobethisway?

    9. Peanut Hamper*

      I remember reading an article years ago about how Frito-Lay delivery drivers would sometimes have a bag of Fritos and a can of Frito-Lay bean dip for lunch. The article was very much “oh, look at this curious thing these blue-collar workers do” and “oh my, wouldn’t it be great to be able to do this every day?”

      Meanwhile, I was just like “wait, you mean that’s not normal lunch behavior?”

    10. Feeling Feline*

      As long as it’s kettle, yes. I like the flavour of potato, and I like the texture. Everything else don’t matter to me.

    14. goddessoftransitory*

      CHEESE PUFFS 4-EVA.

      I don’t mean Cheetos, but the big fat puffy puffs. Love ’em.

    15. The Dude Abides*

      My wife has to be careful, or she’ll go through an entire can of regular Pringles in one go.

    16. Sitting Pretty*

      Barbara’s Cheese Puffs, original flavor. They’re blue cheese and white cheddar flavored. similar to a crunchy Cheeto but less greasy and more tangy. A friend turned me on to themast year and now I can’t get enough! It’s good that the local grocery doesn’t carry them and I have to make a special trip to Mom’s or Whole Foods for them, otherwise it would be cheesy puffs 3 meals a day!

    17. Alex*

      I can only pick just one? I can do a lot of damage to pretty much any bag of chips! That’s why I try not to buy them often….

      I also love Sun Chips but my fave is the Salsa flavor.
      Those “veggie sticks” that they market as being healthy. I freakin love those. And no they are not healthy!
      And of course, classic nacho cheese doritos!

      I think those would be my top three.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Heh, reminds me of that bit from American Dad:

        “Did you get the chips?…They’re Sun Chips. They’re better for you than regular chips. OH, no they are NOT.”

    19. Elizabeth West*

      Sun Chips are good. I like:
      Cheetos puffs.
      Munchos.
      Funyuns.
      The small can of Pringles sour cream and onion flavor.
      Tortilla chips with cheese dip (I can eat an entire plate of these without batting an eye). I don’t like Doritos; I get Santitas brand at the grocery store because they’re cheaper.
      When I’m in the UK, I like Hula Hoops, Walkers cheese and onion crisps, and there are these little tiny crisps that look like pieces of bacon that I ADORE. I think they’re called Frazzies or Frazzles or something.

    20. RagingADHD*

      Terra Chips. I love the original, but I discovered this week that they have come out with a no-salt-added version of “Sweets and Beets.” Delicious!

    23. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I cannot be trusted around paprika Pringles (regular ones are a huge temptation too). We rarely ever have crisps in the house, but if I get offered them, say at the cinema or at a party, all bets are off!

    24. NeonFireworks*

      Salt and vinegar Hula Hoops. The original flavour is way too salty but these ones are perfect.

      I both resent and appreciate that they only come in single serving bags!

    26. Buni*

      The Rosemary & Sea Salt Kettle Chips. I can also basically one-shot a tube of plain Pringles.

    27. Turtle Dove*

      I can’t be near a particular chili-lime tortilla chip (Hacienda brand in Detroit) without losing control. The spice blend is amazing!

      I also get excited about super strong and zingy salt-and-vinegar potato chips, but those are hard to find. Route 11 does a nice job.

    30. Boggle*

      Reminds me of a funny story, a guy I was dating told me about a challenge he was doing to with friends to only eat *one* Lays potato chip from a big bag. He ate the one, then he had to physically leave his friend’s house so he would not eat any more!

      I love the plain kettle potato chips, that crunch is killer.

    32. Water Everywhere*

      Ruffles au Gratin (cheese-flavour, for those who aren’t familiar). For extra temptation I’ll sometimes get a bag of those and a bag of Ruffles BBQ and mix some of each together in a bowl.

    33. Kay*

      Torres – mediterranean herb. With bubbles. Thankfully I can only get them in single serving bags. I think the mental weight of eating more than 2 bags has saved me.

    34. Camelid coordinator*

      Smart food. No matter what size the bag is, it is a single serving. I’ve learned to stay away from the larger bags.

    35. Generic Name*

      I mean there was the time when I was 7 and me and my best friend ate an entire bag of generic cheese puffs. Not store brand, the white bag with the black lettering, circa 1988. I threw up orange.

    36. ampersand*

      Tortilla chips. Preferably On the Border brand, but really any tortilla chips will do.

  15. Mitchell Hundred*

    Recently I was reminded (won’t say by what) of something that happened to me in highschool French class. I was going through some exercises, and asked a classmate who knew more vocabulary than me what the word “lequel” meant. She responded “Which one”, and I responded “#5”, thinking that she was asking me which question the word appeared in. It took a few rounds of both of us repeating those exact words before I caught on that she was in fact telling me what that word meant and not asking for clarification.

    All of this is to say: if anybody else can think of a situation where, through the weirdness of language, they organically recreated “Who’s On First” I would be greatly reassured to hear about it.

    1. Sloanicota*

      I just this week had the “left?” “Right.” “Oh, right, okay.” “No, no, left!” drama *again.* Honestly it was not wise of us in English to have an affirmation and a direction be the same word!

      1. Pine Tree*

        This is why I always say “Correct” when giving the affirmative for directions.

      2. LGP*

        Not exactly the same, but this reminds me of a great scene from the movie Clue!

        Col. Mustard: “Look, I want a straight answer. Is there someone else [in the house] or isn’t there, yes or no?”
        Wadsworth: “Umm…no.”
        Col. Mustard: “No there is, or no there isn’t?!”
        Wadsworth: “Yes.”

    2. fhqwhgads*

      I’ve seen this happen enough times that I don’t even remember the details of each situation. It happens at least once every 3-4 years.

    3. 2e asteroid*

      Mine was also in French class. I had a classmate named Hui. Which led to the following (roughly translated) dialogue on the first day of class:

      Teacher: What’s your name?
      Hui: Yes.
      Teacher: No, what’s your name?
      Hui: Yes.

      Repeat ad infinitum…

      1. InkyFingers*

        Okey Ndibe tells a similar story in his delightful book, Never Look an American in the Eye. His first name is pronounced “okay,” not “o-key,” so you can see where that went!

    4. Who's On First?*

      Friend A was married to Friend B. Friend A excitedly told me that Friend C, who was very close to both of them, was “going to marry us.” Friend A then excitedly talked about the upcoming ceremony (“which wouldn’t be a legal one”) and celebration. I was a bit surprised and said that I knew they were all close but didn’t realize they were this close, and I wished the three of them much happiness together. Friend A looked at me in confusion, and then burst out laughing. Turns out Friends A and B had converted to a different religion, in which Friend C was an ordained leader, and Friend C was going to bless Friends A and B’s marriage in that religion. After our (mis)conversation, Friend A worded the news to others much more carefully!

    5. grumpy*

      In a similar vein, my mother was a french-as-a-second-language teacher, and whenever a kid would ask what does “je ne sais pas” mean, my mum would answer “I don’t know” in a deadpan way, and the kids never caught on. Some kids would even harass her for not knowing her own native language – she’d often try to keep a straight face through that.

    6. Anonymous cat*

      I was visiting a college campus that had both a science library and a separate library for the library science students. Unfortunately NOT near each other!

      So it took a few rounds of “Science Library” or “Library Science building” to get there!

    7. RagingADHD*

      I happened to watch a presentation this week that included a slide referencing the Ray and Maria Stata Center at MIT, which was designed by Frank Gehry.

      The presenter didn’t actually mention the center out loud. It was just a visual with notes, and a call out box helpfully noted that “Stata” is pronounced like “data.”

      1. allathian*

        Very helpful (/s) because “data” can be pronounced in various ways depending on the accent, the most common I’ve heard are “day-tah” and “dah-tah”.

    8. Lexi Vipond*

      There’s the old story of Prince Albert asking a highlander what was in their broth.
      “Well, there’s mutton intilt, and barley intilt, and peas intilt…”
      “Yes, but what’s ‘intilt’?” asks the prince, not realising it’s just a local pronunciation of ‘in[to] it’, and thinking it’s a special ingredient.
      “Well, there’s mutton intilt, and barley intilt, and peas intilt…”

    10. Atheist Nun*

      My friend, whose first name is something like Yvonne (it starts with a “y”), told me that when she was a kid, an adult in an authoritative role (maybe a teacher or a nurse?) asked her for her name to complete an intake form:
      “What’s your last name?”
      “[Yvonne’s last name]”
      “OK, and what’s your first initial?”
      “Y”
      “I need to know for this form, that’s why. What’s your first initial?”
      “Y”
      “I just told you why. What’s your first initial?”
      “Y!”
      “Don’t get fresh with me! What’s your first initial?”

      Finally her mom had to jump in and say, “Her name begins with Y!”

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My mom’s middle name is Kay and when I was wee I had a round of being mad that I was asking for her middle name and she was only saying her middle initial. “I NEED THE WHOLE THING.” “THAT IS THE WHOLE THING.”

    11. KeinName*

      In my company, there works a person whose surname is Hey. And it’s common to pick up the phone saying just your last name. Very unfortunate this must be for them. A colleague told me recently she had to do some quick thinking in order not to just say Hey! back but introduce herself.

      1. KeinName*

        And slightly related: my mother and me used to have the same doctor, whose receptionist was an old friend of my mothers. My mother‘s name is Marie. Her friend the receptionist’s name is Iris. Unbeknownst to me they switched out the receptionist, replacing her with a person who has the exact same telephone voice as Iris, and the same name as my mother. So I call the doctor’s office. The new woman picks up and says ‚Marie‘. I say ‚No, KeinName‘ (I.e. me). Confusion ensues.

    12. Meh*

      In my culture and language the literal translation of “who are you” is less of an introduction of the person and more of a genealogy. Having been born and raised in a different country, I could speak the language, but missed out on some of those nuances. I had been introduced to one of my parents friends by my mom as daughter (obviously). My brother came by to chat a while later and as we were chatting the friend comes back and asks me who he is. “He’s my brother” “ok, but who is he ?” “um, my younger brother [name]’. “Hi, name,who are you”. At this point, my brother, whose comprehension and speaking ability aren’t great, looks at me for help. “He’s my direct brother !”. “Yes, but whose son is he ?”. “At which point, I give up and say – whoever’s daughter I am, that’s whose son he is”. “Oh !”

    13. ctrl-alt-delicious*

      When explaining certain pronunciation foibles, my Spanish teacher would often explain they were there “for sound reasons.” Leaving me always thinking “I’m glad the reasons are sound, but what ARE they?” Eventually I realized he meant, “for reasons related to sound!”

    14. Irish Teacher.*

      Not me, but at our Christmas party last year, we were pulling crackers and a colleague got this puzzle and was like “oh, I’m supposed to make a poison fish” and then started showing us all her “poison fish,” until one of the French teachers leaned over to look at the instructions and pointed out it wasn’t “poison”; it was “poisson,” the French word for “fish.”

    15. Jackie*

      Spanish 1 final in college. It was a four credit class, which I hadn’t realized. I selected it as an elective.
      Despite growing up in South Florida, I was THE ONLY ONE who had not taken Spanish in high school. I didn’t even know how to pronounce the alphabet. Each exam consisted of the test, a speech, and an essay. I worked really hard despite my ADHD. I fought hard for my A. But somehow, I missed something…

      Sometimes, late at night, when I can’t sleep, I still think about the final exam In that panic I felt when I read the directions and I didn’t know what they meant: “¿Como se dice:”. I kept asking la profesora over and over again in the silent classroom, she kept replying “how do you say?”, which I thought was broken English for “say that again”

  16. House cleaning*

    How much time per week do you spend on house cleaning? Not asking about the thoroughness or the details of the acts performed, but specifically the total hours involved.

        2. fhqwhgads*

          Excluding dishes and laundry, in case anyone else was wondering.
          I have a dishwasher and the amount of time loading it is sort of negligible. If I regularly handwashed dishes I’d include that, but I don’t. Laundry’s not negligible, but in my head that’s a separate thing from housecleaning.

    3. SuprisinglyADHD*

      4 to 6 hours per week, for a large house, plus about an hour of dishes/kitchen cleaning each day. Most of that is putting things away, the actual vacuuming/dusting/wiping takes around 2 hours per week, usually spread out.
      Infrequent jobs, like window cleaning or carpet scrubbing, add a few hours per month here and there.

    4. Rain*

      We have a cleaner come in for 2 hours a week, and beyond that I’d say about 8 hours between my husband & I. (Not quite as 50/50 as I’d like but that’s a different post.)

    9. Atheist Nun*

      I live in a one bedroom apartment (one human, one cat to give you an idea of the amount of dirt/dust/clutter we generate) and do my home cleaning all on one day. I spend 2 hours on standard weekly cleaning, which includes decluttering, light dusting, vacuuming rugs and floors, cleaning surfaces/bathroom, and washing kitchen and bathroom floor. I spend an additional 1 hour if I also wash the wood floors, which happens once a quarter. And maybe an additional 1/2 hour every other week on more intensive dusting/surface cleaning.

      I spend 2 hours on laundry, which I do once a week, and maybe 30 minutes daily (I have a dishwasher so it is just loading/unloading and some hand washing) on dishes.

    10. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Dishes and laundry don’t fall under house cleaning to me, they clock as separate chores. So by my definition, a couple hours a week unless we’re having company and I’m being more thorough, plus the robot vacuum does 4 15-20 minute passes a week after I’ve gone to bed. I do not dust enough and I don’t remember the last time I washed a window. :)

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Mine is also mostly like, 3-5 minute increments. After I posted the above, I emptied the dishwasher, wiped down the kitchen counters, and put away some stuff that got left out, plus dust-busting a corner that Emile the Roomba apparently missed, straightening a rug that he knocked askew, and putting the dog pillows back down on the floor (I pick them up on his scheduled living room nights and put them back down in the morning), and all of that took like 4 minutes. As the other Jay says below, a lot of my “house cleaning” time is mostly spent in relocating small objects :)

        My husband does all our laundry – his home office is right next to the laundry, so he just switches it out as he’s doing his thing, and then each of us takes care of our own clothes once they’re laundered (I dunno about him but I totally live out of the basket until it gets hard to find underwear in there, then I fold what’s left and put it away and take him a load of dirty laundry to start over). I fold kitchen towels and put them away, which again takes like 5 minutes every couple weeks, and each of us lumps our bathroom towels and bedsheets in with our regular laundry. (Not necessarily the same loads as the regular laundry, but mine will be one basket and his will be a different.)

    11. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Two of us, no pets. Roomba does the downstairs three times a week and the kitchen every night. Paid housecleaner spends about four hours every week. We spend an hour or two on laundry (active time – the laundry obviously takes longer) each week and at least an hour a day dealing with the kitchen, not counting cooking time. I spend about an hour a week total tidying (or, as a friend says, relocating small objects).

    12. RussianInTexas*

      Just cleaning up, not counting routine dishes, after dinner clean up, and laundry – around 2. I got fluffy cats, and need to defuzz things.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        After dinner clean up usually takes no longer than half an hour or so, usually less. We don’t do super involved using many pot and pans weeknight dinners.

    13. Miss Buttons*

      About 2 hours per week for a 3-bedroom, 2 bath house. Does not include laundry or meal prep/cleanup. Includes dusting, vacuuming, thorough bathroom cleaning, all kitchen surfaces, mopping kitchen & bathroom floors.

    14. Chauncy Gardener*

      About five. Maybe more. We have a cat and a dog and my husband is wonderful, but not very neat. ;)

    15. Figgie*

      We have two cats and spend about 90 minutes a day on general clean-up and vacuuming of cat litter and cat hair, cleaning up after eating and other daily stuff. On Fridays we do a thorough cleaning (bathroom, wash and change all of the bedding, dusting and doing things like cleaning the mirrors, descaling the electric kettle and wiping out the microwave). That takes about 4 hours for the two of us, mostly because my spouse insists on scrubbing all of the flooring in the house with the electric floor scrubber. :-) The laundry gets done while we are doing the general clean-up, so I don’t really count that as cleaning time.

      We have a two bedroom, one bathroom house.

      I also count down the weeks until we leave for our apartment in Mexico that comes with a cleaning woman. Vicky cleans the very small one bedroom apartment the way that I spring clean. Every bit of furniture comes out and is cleaned behind, everything is scrubbed including the floor and bathroom and everything is thoroughly dusted and the windows are washed. It takes her a bit over 4 hours to do it all and she cleans better than we ever could. :-)

      When people ask me what I miss most about Mexico, I tell them the people and then add that I also really, really, REALLY miss Vicky, as I have 7 months when I don’t have to clean anything.

    16. Rosyglasses*

      Probably will depend on size of home. We have 3 adults and 3 pets in an 1800 sq ft house that we spend the bulk of our time in probably 2/3rds of it.

      My son handles vacuuming, some dusting, changes out the cat litter boxes (2) a couple of times a week, most of the dishes, and some dinner preparation (and his own laundry and tragically less often bathroom cleaning). I’d say he rushes through alot of it and probably only spends about 4-5 hrs a week (including nightly dishes, excluding dinner).

      My husband does most of the outdoor things, so rarely does house cleaning, but does his own laundry.

      I will regularly dust, declutter/straighten, wash windows, wipe down surfaces (probably 90% of daily cleaning for me), mop, clean our bathroom, clean out and wipe down the fridge weekly-ish, unload the dishwasher, and prep the other meals. I probably spend about 3-4 hrs conservatively.

    17. Bibliovore*

      This got me going yesterday-
      Cleaned the kitchen and washed the floor- 45 minutes.
      Vacuumed upstairs. 10 minutes-
      Cleaned two bathrooms- 15 minutes each.

    18. Not Totally Subclinical*

      Maybe a half hour a week, enough to keep my toilet clean, do non-thorough sweeping and dusting, and wipe the grunge off the rangetop. This doesn’t count dishes or laundry.

      It is definitely not a thorough clean, but the major issue in my home environment is clutter rather than cleanliness.

    19. TeaCoziesRUs*

      We’re a family of 4 (9&11 year olds) in roughly 3k square feet. I have hired housekeepers in the past, and it took them 3-4 hours. It usually took us all evening off the day before, and me going full speed on the day of to declutter enough for the housekeeper to do her bit. We still have too much stuff… and aren’t that great about cleaning up any area other than the kitchen consistently.

      If we don’t have a housekeeper, it took all 4 of us roughly 3 hours each to do our fair share, including stripping beds and tossing the floor clutter on beds so I could vacuum. (me – our bedroom & bathroom, then vacuuming up and downstairs, 9 – other bathrooms, 11 – dusting and living room, hubby – kitchen).

  17. Rebecca*

    Something happened in the last 10+ years where I forgot how to find new music? The radio seems to play the same songs over and over and I’ve fallen into a pattern of playing the same three albums on repeat. I just started an Apple Music account so I can start discovering new music. Any tips on how to find music (it feels strangely overwhelming) or recommendations on (newish) albums you love?

    1. Clara Bowe*

      Weirdly, I can speak on this a little. I really fell off on music around 2015 and really got back into it recently. I have found a few good tips.

      1. Go borrow/stream new to you stuff from favorite artists or artists you’ve heard of but never checked out. Several bands I liked a few songs of a decade ago have released new stuff in the interim, so I poked around those and found some fun stuff! (Shout out to The Kills’ last two albums.)

      2. I poke around the best/worst of music critic lists year by year. They usually include a short clip, and then I go listen to those songs to see if they are good for me. I have hated stuff on Best lists and loved stuff on Hated lists, but those YT videos are helpful to poke around what is available and popular.

      3. Throw on a playlist/station with a fave band on your streaming service. It isn’t always effective for me, but I have found some interesting stuff on occasion.

      I don’t have any new album recommendations, but a handful of new-to-me’s are: Hozier’s three albums. “Trouble” by Natalia Kills. “30mg+” by Cruel Youth. “Ash & Ice” by The Kills. “Gaslighter” by The Chicks. “Drinking From A Salt Pond” by Run River North.

    2. Sitting Pretty*

      The All Songs Considered podcast is great for this. Every so often when I get into a music rut I’ll listen to a few episodes and some excellent new (to me) bands get added into my rotation.

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        Yes- this has helped me find a lot of good music. Also Christian Finnegan has a newsletter called Music for Olds that has some fun stuff. He does a paid and a free version.

    3. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Another podcast recommendation – Song Exploder. Short interviews with artists explaining how one of their songs was made, with the full song played at the end.

      I started by picking the episodes on songs or artists I already knew and loved, and ended up enjoying them even more (shout out to the Aimee Mann, Sharon Van Etten, Franz Ferdinand and Sparks episodes. Also the Phoenix one! I’m now 100% sold on one of the very few songs by them that I didn’t like).

      Then I branched out to artists I knew a little of . This started an entire Phoebe Bridgers phase, and also got songs by Waxahatchee, Lucy Dacus, Mitski, Christine and the Queens and Courtney Barnett on my regular playlists.

      I now try to choose episodes on artists I never listened to that sound interesting. And sometimes end up really falling for the songs (Slowdive, Perfume Genius, Aurora, Iron & Wine, Glass Animals – all discovered this way). Highly recommended for getting out of your rut :)

    4. allathian*

      My favorite feature on Spotify is the artist radio. You pick an artist you like and get to listen to similar but probably new to you artists. I’ve found a few new favorites that way.

      1. Ochre*

        Spotify did a terrible job with this for me but YouTube has helped me find some new stuff. If I type in an artist name it will make a “MyMix” playlist with that artist and others. YMMV, but it’s free (with ads) to try it!

        1. Banana Pyjamas*

          YouTube and Pandora for the win, honestly. You search an artist or song you know you like, and it creates a station. The station changes based on what you thumb up or thin down. Pandora can be tricky for artists that had phases. I tried to make a Patty Loveless station when I found her Mountain Soul album, but got Honky Tonk Angel vibes instead.

          Your Mix on YouTube consistently gets a good mix, even when you want multiple styles, just look up a couple songs if your list is unbalanced and it will recalibrate.

    7. Jackalope*

      My top rec for this involves Spotify, but I bet other music programs like Pandora have something similar. Here’s what I did: I looked something up that I thought sounded interesting. People make all sorts of mixes that they share on Spotify, so I found a few mixes that were what I was looking for. Then the algorithm worked in my favor; Spotify looked up similar lists for me until now I have something like 150 hours of that style of music, as well as some “If you like this artist, you might also like….” that are often pretty accurate.

      My spouse, on the other hand, goes on Spotify and looks under the styles of music. Then you can click on a style you want and find music in that category. I like to put stuff on as background music so I can get a feel for it and then click on songs I like, which saves them so I can listen to them again later.

    8. Anima*

      I feel I did get my music recommendations from friends and acquaintances in the before times, I never heard of Tocotronic until a friend introduced me for example.
      That said, Spotify does not work at all for me – I have kinda a split music taste, it’s either obscure “gothic” (as in: Wave, but also, well, let’s call it Nordic) or Deutschpop – or Taylor Swift. Spotify does *not* handle that type of insanity well.
      To find new music:
      I pay attention to what music plays on Youtube videos I like and go from there.
      I find new artist at music festivals, mostly by listening to playlist made by other people for a music festival.

    9. Atheist Nun*

      I have a feed for BrooklynVegan’s blog and, based on the descriptions of the music in a post, I try out the music that sounds appealing. I like only about 10% of the music they post, but I still think it is worth it because I have discovered some of my favorite musicians that way (Camp Cope; Hurray for the Riff Raff). They also provide tour news so I can find out what shows are happening in my town.

      If you read BrooklynVegan, use an ad blocker (I use EFF’s Privacy Badger), because the site will overwhelm you with ads.

    10. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I ask people. Every so often I post on social media, “I like (Godsmack, Shinedown, Alison Kraus, Sara Evans). I do not like (most instrumentals, weird atonal stuff, misogyny) but am otherwise pretty eclectic in my music taste. Please make some recommendations.” (I ended up with Shinedown from “I like Godsmack” and Five Finger Death Punch from those two.)

    11. fallingleavesofnovember*

      The Search Engine podcast actually had an episode about this that was entertaining! (The title was ‘How do I find new music when I’m old and irrelevant’!

      In addition to the great ideas already shared, my husband and I have a few other tricks:
      – I find a lot of artists through hearing one of their songs used in a show, trailer, or movie. I actually found a lot of new music through the Heartstopper soundtrack last year!
      – Check out the ‘top new artists of 2024’ (or whatever year) from news or websites of countries not your own. We are North American but read the Guardian and often find new British and European music through their reviews and articles. I’ve also just googled ‘best new Irish artists’ for example, and then listened to a few YouTube videos of the ones that sound interesting to me.

    12. Jay (no, the other one)*

      If you have an NYT subscription, take a look at their Amplifier newsletter. Comes out weekly and always has a theme. It’s not always new music. I’ve found some great stuff that way.

    13. Lore*

      Earlier this year I discovered that the Emerson College radio station (WERS, streaming at WERS.org or through the TuneIn radio app) does an hour of new music at 8 pm every night. It’s student DJs of widely varying taste, but if I’m home and remember to turn it on, it’s definitely pointed me in some good directions.

      1. Tober Fulched*

        Also can recommend streaming WFUV in NYC (WFUV.org) for both new music and old stuff you may haven’t heard in awhile. Pretty good mix of genres and new or new-to-me artists to explore further.

    14. Courageous cat*

      Spotify’s Daylist, Discover Weekly, and Release Radar playlists. The first updates every 3-4 hours, the second updates every Monday, the third every Friday.

    15. Double A*

      Since downloading and playing Music League I have discovered hundreds of new artists I like. It’s a game where you create playlists based on themes then vote on the songs. It does use Spotify,. though.

      I don’t know how Apple music works but on Spotify you can find “related artists” and also you can just find playlists based on themes, artists, genres etc.

      In terms of specific recommendations, what kind of music do you like generally?

    16. Kay*

      Pandora – even with the free version you can create stations by putting in a few artists or songs, and it will fill in similar sounding music. So – I created a few different station using that method and I’ve really been happy with the results.

      Also – YouTube, if you play a video it will usually keep the music going with things it think you will like after.

    17. ctrl-alt-delicious*

      I prefer music with lyrics I can’t understand, and mostly female vocalists for some reason, so on spotify I’ve been going to the EQUAL [insert non-English speaking country] lists and just browsing, then using ones I like as jumping off points. I’ve found quite a few artists I like that way. I think spotify thinks I’m Polish now though…

    18. Rosyglasses*

      Spotify has been great for me (so Apple music will likely be the same for you) when they have “suggested” mixes to listen to. Otherwise, friends and starting to teach yoga and sharing playlists has introduced me to artists I otherwise wouldn’t have encountered.

    19. Paint N Drip*

      I recommend listening to your local college radio stations. A mix of ‘what kids are listening to’ and what these specific music-focused kids who produce the radio shows are listening to, I don’t love it all but have found a lot of cool artists that way. I’ll shout out my local fave, which you all can stream online – WHSN (website is WHSN dash FM dot com)

  18. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

    Last weekend I posted about what to do if someone you know puts cash in a box and FedExes it it to a scammer because a family member of mine did it.

    As of last week’s post, the package was successfully diverted to a pickup location and then after speaking to someone at that location, returned to sender. On Tuesday morning, my dad got his box o’ cash back!

    He’s extremely embarrassed by all of this. He said looking back, he should have seen the signs. They told him to get eight grand in cash, wrap it in aluminum foil, stuff it in coffee cups, and mail it to California for supposed bail needed across the country. But scammers like this will play on insecurities and induce a sense of urgency and my dad, though he doesn’t like to admit it, is prone to panicking at the thought of one of his kids in danger.

    We have also implemented code words and phrases to use if any of us really are in need of help. Though dad is currently still very paranoid and makes us use one of them whenever we call, even if it’s just to tell him how my squash garden is doing.

    1. Indolent Libertine*

      I’m so thrilled for you and your dad! What an ordeal. These scams are getting more and more sophisticated; they can even AI-duplicate your voice pretty easily now. No shortage of despicable folks preying on kind hearted people, alas. But a happy ending!

    2. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Holy cow, I’m glad it worked out all right for your dad. The scammers are super insidious, they were already bad a decade ago when they convinced my grandma that my brother was in jail (she would never bail someone out but she got mad at my dad for “not telling her that her grandson was arrested”), and have only gotten more convincing since then. Now it’s so hard to keep track of the multitude of scam types, it’s so hard to know what to look out for! I know several people of varying age who got caught by some type of scam, mostly involving a credit card to “buy” something from what looked like a legitimate source. There will always be immoral people trying to steal from the vulnerable, gullible, and compassionate.

      1. Zephy*

        My husband’s grandma cut an article out of the newspaper God knows how long ago describing those types of scams (your [relative] is [traveling and stuck in another country/in jail/in peril] and needs money). The article warns readers not to answer calls from specific area codes. We still have the clipping stuck to our fridge (previously her fridge), and every time I see it I just think how quaint it was that once upon a time we knew a call from (123) 456-7890 was a scam because of the area code.

    3. Rain*

      Code words are such a great idea.

      We did a cruise like 15 years ago that required a code word to pick your kids up from the various children’s activities and we’ve been using them ever since.

      We used them for if we sent a friend to pick them up from school, or if they called from a party or sleepover she wanted to come home (but didn’t want to embarrass themselves by admitting it), and honestly all sorts of stuff.

      Once my son broke him phone and had to borrow one to text me and said “Mom, it’s me. (Code word). I broke my phone; can you come get me from (place)?”

      Cannot recommend them enough!

        1. TeaCoziesRUs*

          We have a family code word, too. If a coworker needs to pick up our kids, there’s one. If a kid needs to be retrieved, there’s a separate one involving candy they don’t like. They also have our full permission to throw us under the bus (Mom said I can’t go to that party, she’s such a beast) if needed.

          I don’t use them yet with elders, but my folks are still pretty savvy. We’ll see when the need arises.

    5. I strive to Excel*

      +1 to the code word idea! We implemented that many years ago in our family, though for a different reason. We were doing some general family safety planning (here’s what we do if there’s a fire, earthquake, etc) and as part of that we set up a codeword in case my parents ever had to send an unfamiliar adult to get us (EMS or something).

    7. Morning Reading*

      So, how’s your squash garden doing? Did you have to pollinate them yourself to get squash?

      1. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

        They were doing pretty great until recently. I planted zucchino rampicante over a large garden arch and as anyone who’s grown them knows, they are shaped…suggestively, especially when hanging.

        I was keeping the squash bugs at bay easily but alas, we had a week of rain and I slacked off on checking them and the squash vine borers got them. I finished disassembling everything today. RIP suggestive squash garden.

        1. Saddesklunch*

          Oh my god I hate squash vine borers so much!! They always come for not only my squash but my cukes as well. RIP to your suggestive squash.

    8. Someone stole my croissant*

      I told my mom my code word, it’s something my dad is allergic to, but could pass as a nick name if I needed to. Like Catherine and chili. That way my parents would obviously see it, but I could plausibly say to a nefarious person, oh, my parents call me chili.
      We also have a code passcode too for little kids.
      Although it does remind me of that scene in Harry Potter.

    9. Ginger Cat Lady*

      We had code words for our kids when they were in elementary school. They’re all adults now. This thread gave me the idea to ask one of my kids for the code word next time they texted me to ask for something.
      I got the opportunity this morning.
      She remembered it. We had a good laugh.

  19. The Dude Abides*

    Share your stories of bad luck/unfortunate events occurring on special days.

    What inspired this – my birthday was earlier this week, and I kept up my routine and played some basketball at the Y. Caught an accidental elbow, and the resulting cut below my eye required stitches.

    The camera angles from dinner and the musical were chosen…carefully.

    1. BirthdayWoes*

      I injured myself on my birthday every year from the time I turned 11 until I turned 19. Every single year. Often in weird, freakish ways. I stopped doing stuff after a few years and it didn’t matter – One year I stepped on a piece of paper in my living room the wrong way and turned an ankle.

    2. Harlowe*

      I had a grandmother die on my birthday. Twice. (Different years and technically the second was my in-law.)

      When we showed up at the hospital and my cousin-in-law heard why we were dressed up, she gasped and said “Oh, how awful, I’m so sorry this happened today!” and I waved an arm and said “Eh, it’s not the first time.” and let me tell you the look on her face I will never forget.

    3. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

      I long ago stopped celebrating my birthday because something always happens that ranges from annoying to catastrophic. When I was a kid, it always coincided with standardized testing weeks. In college, always during major exams. Now as a working adult, if it can catch fire, flood, blow away, die, explode, or short out, it’s guaranteed to do it on my birthday. If by some miracle nothing explodes, then I’ll definitely wake up to find an unexpected mandatory training meeting that lasts all day and could have been an email.

      This year, I thought I was in the clear. Scheduled my day off in advance, vowed not to touch any appliance in the kitchen or the thermostat and not leave the house or touch gardening implements, just sleep in and read books and munch on snacks. So my mom decided she would do a surprise visit for my birthday and drove right into a tornado warning on the way here. She called me in the middle of it and I was able to reroute her to a safe location.

      Then I frantically cleaned the bathroom before she saw the state of it, the sink backed up during the course of cleaning, and when I went to check her location on my phone, I somehow dropped it down the open AC vent whose cover I had taken off to wipe all the cat hair off it. Not the one with the elbow I can easily reach into of course, it fell in the one that goes all the way into the return, which necessitated calling a servicer to open it up. My phone did not survive the trip.

      Next year, I’m hiding in the basement.

      1. Rain*

        Have you considered finding the wizard you inadvertently wronged and asking him to lift the curse?

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          “I didn’t know that chicken was your transformed fiancee: I swear I would never have made soup out of her if I had!”

    4. Ginger Cat Lady*

      A friend of mine broke her leg 2 days before her wedding. There are no wedding pictures of her alone, she’s next to and supported by someone in every single shot. Thankfully her dress was floor length.
      She did not walk down the aisle. She was seated at the front of the church as guests came in, and helped to a standing position by her bridesmaids for the vows. Her MOH stood much closer than usual, and her husband held her hands the whole time.

    5. Lala*

      I don’t want to share details, because they could be too identifying. But every time I take a vacation, have a long holiday weekend, or just decide to spend a relaxing weekend (vs. clean up/chore/project weekend), something always goes wrong. I’ve pretty much decided that really relaxing is just not in the cards for me.

    6. 653-CXK*

      We (my family and I) were going to celebrate my 50th birthday at a Connecticut casino until I had gotten COVID in late September 2021. We scrapped that and instead planned to celebrate my birthday and my sister-in-law’s 40th birthday at a local restaurant we like to frequent. Then, my father-in-law died from a long illness two days after my 50th birthday, so that party was also scrapped.

      On a lighter note, my brothers did surprise me with a Cameo video from Gilbert Gottfried.

    7. Jay (no, the other one)*

      In 2002 we got truly horrible news on my birthday – not going into detail both because it’s identifying and because I can’t bear to tell the story, so that tells you how bad it was. And on top of that I was absolutely furious for years because I used to love my birthday and the whole thing gave me PTSD (for real) so I couldn’t enjoy it. And THEN I shared that with my husband in 2015 and he did not respond well. At all.

      Over the last few years it has eased quite a bit (therapy and 12-step FTW) and now I plan something totally fun for myself and enjoy the heck of it. This year it was a trip to NYC and Boston for ten days of nerd heaven in various ways and lots of in-person time with old and dear friends.

    8. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      I leaned down to pick up a dog toy, somehow fell forward into a structural post in my basement, hitting the corner. ER (with a sparkly scarf tied around my head holding paper towels in place, got stitches in my head when the clock struck midnight…my birthday). Answering the door during daylight to my family who had come to celebrate my birthday was…interesting. Apparently I hadn’t done a great job of getting all the dried blood off my face, neck and chest.

    9. Jackie*

      It’s my birthday in a couple days. Four years ago my father died 5 days before my birthday.

      It was quite the adventure opening the mail during that week. I didn’t know if it was going to be a birthday card or a condolence card. Only one long time friend actually combined the two events, apologizing for wishing me sympathy and happy birthday at the same time.

    10. Peanut Hamper*

      At the end of my senior year, I was helping my friend practice his pitching by catching for him. It was in his back yard, so of course, I wasn’t wearing what catchers typically wear.

      I missed a catch, and it tipped off the top of my mitt and smacked me in the side of my face. Three days later—you know, the day of my high school graduation—I had a massive black eye.

    12. Jackalope*

      Several years ago I came back to visit my family for Christmas and my dad and I went out for a meal. I got food poisoning from that and woke up in the middle of the night Christmas Eve/Christmas to go throw up and generally be miserable. It was especially not helped by the fact that I was sleeping on the couch in the living room since there wasn’t a lot of room available.

      The next day we had our big meal with 4 of us: my dad, stepmother, sister, and me. My stepmother had advanced dementia at the time and could barely feed herself so all of her energy went into that. I was supposed to be the one who was cooking and my dad was busy with my stepmother so he didn’t have the energy to do much. And I was still feeling like hot garbage. So the four of us sat there picking away at the tiny bit of food my dad had managed to scrounge up (instead of our usual feast – and to make the record clear, my dad often cooks the feast and knows what he’s doing, it’s just that my stepmother was in a really bad way at the time) while he and my sis valiantly tried to scrape together a conversation, sm focused on eating while occasionally asking random dementia-addled questions (“What are we doing?” or “Is this chicken?” while pointing to the cranberry sauce), and I tried to remain upright (the nausea had subsided but I still had that horrid tiredness and mostly wanted bland foods). It was… uninspiring. I don’t remember where the rest of the family was, but it was something else. Although I can kind of laugh at it now; it was so awful that it crossed that threshold into funny. Not at the time, though, given how I was feeling.

    13. goddessoftransitory*

      It’s pretty bad…

      My father passed away two years ago the day before my birthday, and two weeks later we had to put our beloved cat to sleep the day after Thanksgiving.

      Neither on the actual day, but close enough.

    14. FACS*

      I spent my 50th birthday in the surgical waiting area in my hospital. An unexpected opening came up in the surgeons schedule so it could be done 5 months earlier than scheduled. Patient was in pain every day so we took it and never looked back!

    15. Lady Danbury*

      For the past 4 or 5 years, I’ve experienced hurricanes almost every year during my birthday week, including one on my actual birthday. Fortunately, I live in a country that has an extremely strong hurricane infrastructure, so it’s more of a nuisance than a state of emergency. I’ve just gotten used to having to adjust birthday plans to account for hurricane prep/cleanup.

    16. Esprit de l'escalier*

      The last day that I was 9 years old I had my tonsils removed, which entailed staying overnight in the hospital. This was back in the day, before outpatient surgery was a thing. I woke up the morning of my 10th birthday in this big hospital ward full of fellow sufferers with my throat hurting unbelievably badly. Way to ruin a kid’s first round-number birthday!

        1. Esprit de l'escalier*

          Ah, that was a problem. They wouldn’t discharge me until I’d eaten some ice cream, which normally I would have been thrilled to do, but my throat hurt so much that I couldn’t swallow. I can’t remember if they gave in or I did, but probably I did as I was a timid and compliant child, so that my mother, who by then was getting pretty impatient about this unexpected delay, could take me home.

    17. Liminality*

      My just-paid-off car was totalled on my 25th birthday.
      The first car that ran the red light missed me. The second car through the red light took out my front quarter panel and ripped off the front bumper.
      My neck has never been normal since, but I’m so grateful that my little sister in the passenger seat was not injured at all.

      1. Liminality*

        Also, Not quite on topic, but I was born on the 13th. In high school my birthday happened to fall on a Friday. My friends and I were talking about how Friday the 13th vibes would mesh with birthday vibes. Would they cancel out? Would one overpower the other? Would they combine into a mega-mystical force?
        One friend pondered aloud, “I wonder if My birthday will ever be on Friday the 13th?”
        We asked, “maybe it will, when is your birthday?”
        “February 4th.”

        Um…. no. Friday it may be, but the 4th it will always remain.

    18. Firebird*

      I don’t have a good track record for holidays. We always got sick around Christmas.

      My father was rushed to the hospital one New Year’s Eve and I spent the evening tracking down family members at various parties, to tell them to get to the hospital quickly to say goodbye. On New Year’s Day, my in-laws and my husband totally ignored my father’s death.

      On Valentines Day, years later, I found out my husband was cheating on me. With a woman he introduced to my mother because he wanted my mother to hire her as a home helper.

      On Groundhogs Day the following year, my divorce was granted. It hurt at the time, but I am much happier being divorced than I ever was being married. Any ideas to decorate and celebrate Groundhogs Day? That holiday I do want to celebrate.

      1. acmx*

        You could lean into the change from winter (darkness) to spring (light).
        Use celebratory decorations from NYE (or does your father’s death on NYD make that hard?)
        I am sure there are divorce decorations out there lol

    19. Banana Pyjamas*

      Last year I was supposed to be fired on my son’s birthday, but he was sick so I got fired the day after.

    20. Cj*

      when I was 12, my dad died on Christmas day, which was also my sister’s 14th birthday.

      decades later our German Shepherd, who I would argue was the best dog ever, also died on Christmas Day.

      my mom became really close friends with another widow, to the point that they were almost like sisters. her friend died on Thanksgiving day.

      I’m sure there were others, but I don’t remember any of them because the ones above were so devastating that anything else seems minor in comparison.

  20. Coffee grounds*

    I just started brewing my one daily cup of coffee instead of using instant and I’m looking for a way to handle the used coffee grounds without putting them down the sink drain. I’ve been adding the grounds to my small compost container, but I prefer to not put wet stuff in it, which makes this a dilemma.

    How do you dispose of your coffee grounds?

    1. Alex*

      I just throw mine in the trash. When I lived somewhere where I could compost I put them there. They are really good for compost!

      I use paper filters and just put the whole thing in the bin (the paper filters are compostable.)

      1. The Dude Abides*

        Same, but I use a reusable metal filter, and can’t really dispose of grounds in a “green” way, since it’s at w*** – I don’t brew coffee at home since my wife can’t stand the smell of it.

    2. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

      I use mine to feed the mushroom gardens I keep around in glass jars and buckets. Though they also go in the compost bin if my oysters are full up.

    3. SuprisinglyADHD*

      We put them in the trash, outside of occasionally spreading them while gardening we haven’t found a good use for them. We use the empty cans (ours are usually metal, occasionally plastic) as a fat/oil collector, and throw away the closed can so we don’t have to worry about grease leaks from the garbage bag. You could probably use the empty cans in a similar way for the used grounds, if you want. Putting coffee grinds down the sink drain is a terrible idea, avoid it if you possibly can.

    5. BikeWalkBarb*

      I compost now. Years ago I used to just put them straight into a big planter pot I had by my door. Never seemed to be a problem for the plants. Do you have any houseplants that might want an occasional snack?

    6. allathian*

      We’re lucky enough to have municipal compostable waste collection, so it goes in there. Before that, we threw them in the trash.

      Never put anything other than human/pet waste and TP into the sewer system. Anything else organic simply becomes food for vermin in the sewer, even if it’s ground into tiny pieces.

    9. Jay*

      Trash, if I don’t have any plants in my care that could use a snack.
      However, I usually will first put them in a plastic bag I keep in the freezer until I’m ready to take the trash out. I do the same for any other household waste that can have a strong smell.

      1. Charley*

        I just let them air dry a bit (I admit this is mostly unintentional – I walk away and leave them until it’s time to brew the next pot) before composting.

    10. the Viking Diva*

      For many years I kept a worm bin. Worm castings make gorgeous, rich compost for plants. I dried the coffee filters and separated the grounds from the papers. Both went into the worm bin: the grounds added right away with table scraps, vegetable peels etc., and the dried filters were saved and shredded to restart the bin after harvesting a batch of worm compost.

      Then I composted both grounds and filter until the local service stopped accepting the filters. Separating them felt less worth the trouble when the filters would just be thrown away.

      Now I clip a waxed bag from an empty cereal box on the inside of my trash can, so it hangs from the top edge. I put the wet filter and grounds in there, to keep the mess out of the rest of the trash. A sturdy chip clip or extra-large binder clip does the job nicely. You do have to remember to detach the bag – let it drop into the trash and save the clip before you take out the trash.

    11. GoryDetails*

      I compost, so the grounds go into the bucket with all the other veggie peels and such. (Once in a while I’ll spread the grounds out on a plate to dry, and then put them in the bottom of the trash can; they help cut down on odors.)

    12. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      Definitely do not put them down the drain.
      Grounds are so good for compost – if you want to keep your bin drier you can put the coffee with filter on a small plate for the day to let it spread out a little and it should be mostly dry by the time you get done with work.
      A couple of years I went away from using a compost bin to using a compost bowl like my parents did. Just a medium size bowl to collect the day’s scraps then at the end of the day the contents go into the outside bin and the bowl goes in the dishwasher with the rest of the dishes. Then it doesn’t really matter if the contents are wet or dry, although I usually try to put my coffee filter as the base of the bowl.

      1. Rebecca*

        “put the coffee with filter on a small plate for the day to let it spread out a little and it should be mostly dry by the time you get done with work.”

        I was going to suggest this. I do this with my tea leaves. They aren’t completely dry by the end of the day, but they are dry enough that they don’t make the compost bin too wet (which just makes it gross). I would add another change of improving the drainage of the compost bin.

    13. Chauncy Gardener*

      I dump them in a rubbermaid container and when it’s full I sprinkle them around the garden.

    14. Kay*

      For the paper filter, we drop it in the sink so the liquid can drain and it can dry a bit before it goes to compost. For the french press we drain and leave the top off for a bit, then either pick a plant or accept that a bit of moisture goes into the compost bucket.

    15. dontbeadork*

      Not coffee, but tea. We have a saucer we keep on the counter and dump the leaves there to dry out for a few hours and then they can be added to compost or an acid-loving houseplant. For my little pines, I just go ahead and put the wet tea leaves directly on their soil to help with the moisture of their soil.

      I expect if you have a shallow bowl or something like that you could put the coffee grounds in before you go earn your paycheck, and put the dried grounds in your little compost holder when you get home?

    17. Reba*

      I put filter + grounds in the compost – which I keep in the freezer until I take to the neighborhood compost drop.

      Could you let the grounds air dry a little bit before dealing with them?

    18. Indolent Libertine*

      We have weekly municipal compost collection, with a small plastic bin for inside and a big wheelie one for taking to the curb. I usually line the interior bin with 3 pages of our Sunday paper, and periodically – maybe twice a week? – pull that out into a paper grocery bag that goes in the wheelie bin. We also have a 1 cup coffee maker with the reusable mesh filter. I usually dump the used grounds onto a folded paper towel and let that sit a bit before putting it in the bin. Most of the moisture gets wicked into the paper towel so it doesn’t sog up the bin.

  22. SuprisinglyADHD*

    Has anyone had experience with the stuff you have to drink before a colonoscopy? My mom is reading the paperwork on what she’ll have to do beforehand and she’s worried about having to drink 16 oz of water in an hour while taking a fistfull of pills. She’s worried about throwing it all up and having to start it over. Does anyone have something encouragement/reassurance I can offer her?

    1. Anonymous cat*

      Do the instructions specifically say to drink the whole thing in an hour?

      Instead of pills, I had the powder mixed with Gatorade, and the instructions said something like “drink X ounces every Y minutes.” It took a while but I eventually got through it.

      If they don’t require taking all of them in one hour, I’d suggest just going slowly. And keeping a magazine near the bathroom.

      1. g*

        I had the powder one too and the instructions were to drink X amount of the mixed drink every Y minutes. She should drink it slowly because yes it is gross .

        1. Clisby*

          I did, too (although I had to take only a few pills) – but my 28-year-old daughter just had her first colonoscopy, and got this jug of liquid to drink. She said it had a faint citrus taste but was not awful, and I think she had to drink half of it in the afternoon, and half later. Different doctors prescribe different protocols. For example, my daughter’s included eating a low-fiber diet for 5 days previous to the procedure. My husband’s was the same. I didn’t have to do that – just the clear liquid diet the day before.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Yep: I mixed mine with Crystal Lite, per the instructions, and managed to gag it down. It was–not pleasant. It was X ounces per X minutes, too, not the whole thing in one hour.

    2. Ochre*

      I only had to take one pill 2 hours before starting the prep, so every prep is probably different. My prep was a whole gallon and I think I was instructed to drink 32oz of liquid per hour until it was gone. I didn’t get nauseated but I did just cycle back and forth from the fridge to the restroom for a few hours. Not sure if you have a typo or if her whole prep is only 16oz total? That doesn’t sound like a lot to drink in an hour but for what it’s worth I didn’t feel nausea at all. She could also call them to ask if she can drink it slower (2 hours?) and (if so) if she needs to change the time she starts the prep.

    3. Colonoscopy prep*

      Since your mom is worrying about it, maybe she can call the doctor’s office on Monday and ask how to manage the timing or what she should do during her prep if she starts to feel like she won’t be able to drink it that fast without throwing up. (Personally, as a veteran of 4 colonoscopies, I don’t think I have to do it *exactly* as instructed if it’s too hard for me. As long as I drink the stuff and it’s working, the exact timing doesn’t seem so critical.)

      1. Nonaysea*

        The time that I had pills I think actually the time I had liquid as well. They also gave me an anti-nausea pill to take. I’ve gone through this several times as has my spouse and neither of us have ever come close to actually vomiting. I honestly honestly think the fear is worse than what happens.

    4. Knighthope*

      16 oz in 60 min. is a little more than 1 oz every 4 minutes (less than a 1.5 oz. shot glass). Have her set a timer and read or scroll in between.

    5. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I had to go through two servings of the mixed drink. My instructions were along the lines of “have the first X hours before the test, and the second no more than Y hours before”. Both times, it started out ok and got harder towards the end, because there was a lot of it and it didn’t taste good at all. But no throwing up urges, if that can feel reassuring!

      I struggled a lot more with the no-fibre dietary requirements and the ban on food the day before. I would only wish the tinned clear beef soup I tried having for lunch on my worst enemy.

      1. BikeWalkBarb*

        Try Better than Bouillon next time. I’m a vegetarian so I get their vegetable broth and fake chicken broth flavors. Easy to stir into a cup with hot water, salty umami goodness that’s very comforting when you just want food. They have a lot of flavors.

        1. Texan In Exile*

          A friend told me to go to the best deli in town, get their chicken soup, strain the solids out (save them for later!), and drink the broth.

          She didn’t tell me until after I had my colonoscopy, but next time, I will do this.

          1. lilybeth*

            When one of my parents had to do this, I did a lil research and saw a recommendation to buy broth from a pho restaurant, if you have one in the area. They did, and it was both inexpensive for a quart of it, and also really savory and delicious. Most of them will just sell you the broth if you ask for it (just say someone in your house is sick and can only have broth and then nobody really blinks at it).

        2. SuprisinglyADHD*

          That’s a really good idea, we use BtB a lot in cooking and it’s probably easier on the stomach than all the citrus flavors. Thanks!

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Oh, God, that two days of “bland with water on top” torture. Just the worst.

    6. Magdalena*

      Hi! I perform colonoscopies as part of my job and I’ve had colonoscopies performed on me as well.
      One bit of encouragement I can offer is that many people are intimidated by the prep but end up doing well prep-wise.
      Another bit of encouragement: the folks at the endoscopy unit have seen it all when it comes to colonoscopy prep dilemmas. For any scenario that is at all likely to occur, they will have tips and tricks based on experience. Having the patient well prepped makes their jobs easier so they should be happy to answer any questions your mom might have.
      Thinking ahead about the concerns she might have on the day of the prep and taking the time now to get the answers in advance will give her peace of mind on the day of the prep.

    7. CouldBeMuchWorse*

      FWIW, I’ve never heard of a colonoscopy prep that easy. If that’s really it she should count her lucky stars. Most of the prep options involve drinking much larger quantities of truly vile liquids over the course of as much as two full days.

      That said, if she’s really worried about it, most of the preps can be mixed with either clear or yellow flavoring (such as sugar free powdered lemonade) which masks some of the taste of stuff being ingested. Double check it’s okay with this specific prep, of course, and it usually has to be something like lemonade (no red/blue/purple colored flavors), but it’s been allowed with the last three types of prep I’ve used.

      Good luck!

      1. RussianInTexas*

        They don’t really do the extra long super terrible prep anymore. And the new gen anesthesia does not leave you groggy either. My gastroenterologist even told me I can eat absolutely everything up to the day before, when I had to do the prep, just avoid too much “roughage”.
        Mine was just one day of clear liquid diet, no reds or purple, 3 laxative pills at 3 pm, 16oz of the liquid at 6pm, 16 oz at 9pm, done.

        1. Trixie*

          For my first procedure, the prep and experience were both very easy to follow and recover from. I don’t recall feeling hungry. Using a straw helped when I didn’t like the taste. My difficult part was only an early morning appt required an early morning prep drink super early. At the procedure, I was out almost immediately and back just as quickly. Felt great on ride home, and for the afternoon no issues at all.

          1. RussianInTexas*

            The anesthesia compared to my wisdom teeth removal about 10 year ago was night and day. No grogginess or nausea at all, fully clear head, etc.

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          I had fentanyl/Versed cocktail and was alert and politely interested through the whole thing!

        3. Mimmy*

          Lucky!! My prep was pretty much an overnight affair. Clear liquid most of the day before, a set of pills at about 6:00 pm, another set of pills at around 1 or 1:30 am, and needing to be in the bathroom for pretty much the entire night. Ugh.

    8. The Week Ends*

      First time I drank really fast thinking I’d never get done. Mistake. Take many small drinks over the entire time is more comfortable. If you can mix with another drink, I found the white/clear Gatorade or lemonade was just right. Not too much added, just enough to help the flavor.

      1. Yep, colonoscopy is not fun*

        Second this. Sip slowly. And yes, it is unpleasant, because everything in you needs to go. If there is more than one bathroom in the house, reserve one of them just for her. But the prep is the worst part. And at the hospital I go to, they give you Lorna Doon cookies afterwards.

      2. noname today*

        Also swapping out the Gatorade flavors every 8 or 16 oz helps tremendously! Lemon, white, icy blue, helps make the whole so much easier!! And I also swear by the chicken broth from our local Jewish delicatessen and glasses of plain old water after the drugged Gatorade

    9. Morning Reading*

      Only 16 ounces? That’s just a pint. My weekly “bone pill” is supposed to be downed with a full glass of water, 8 ounces, first thing in the morning. I have no problem chugging a glass of water. Did you mean 16 ounces every hour? Not seeing the problem here.

    10. MissGirl*

      I got a colonoscopy because I was dealing with chronic nausea so I definitely was worried about throwing it up. I was allowed to take Dramamine, which relaxes my gut and me. It turned out easier than I thought. I used Gatorade and ice and sipped it.

    11. RussianInTexas*

      I had to do 3 pills at 3 pm, then 16 oz of liquid at 6 pm and another at 9pm. The colonoscopy was at 8am next morning.
      It was gross, but it did not come back up. Drink it slowly, but don’t stretch it out to the whole hour, because it tastes gross and better to get over with.

    12. 653-CXK*

      My colonoscopy last year involved two bicosadyl tablets at 4pm, followed by one bottle of Miralax mixed with Powerade every 15 minutes [results redacted], then the day of the colonoscopy, two simethicone tablets, followed by another bottle of prep every 15 minutes [further results redacted].

      If you are on a liquid diet, I highly recommend popsicles, gumdrops, gummy bears/worms (no red or orange), and Jell-o. Make sure your prep is well mixed and as clear as you can get it – I used Powerade diet white cherry ice – or if you’re given magnesium citrate, I highly recommend the grape flavor (and getting a grape-flavored water chaser). Clear protein drinks also help.

      After I was through, they gave me graham crackers and something to drink in the recovery room. Then, whoever dropped you off can bring you home – and I strongly recommend you do not make any decisions of worth while the anesthesia wears off. The day after, eating bread helps get rid of the remaining prep, although [results redacted] may occur.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Part of the instructions for mine was I had to have a responsible adult bring me, wait for me, and take me back–probably to make sure I didn’t suddenly decide to go to Buenos Aires or similar while under the influence.

        1. 653-CXK*

          Fully agree. I thought I was able to walk and talk normally, and I never had the desire to sleep afterwards, but I was wrong.

          When I was in the recovery room, the nurse gave me graham crackers and juice, but I felt I had cotton mouth and couldn’t swallow the crackers unless I chewed them really well. (I could swallow the water fine). Then, when I got home, I attempted a bowl of granola cereal and a banana, with the same results.

          Reason: the Propofol had not completely worn off, and the cotton mouth was from the tube they had down my throat to breathe. I’m glad my mother did pick me up, because I would have probably gone to Rhode Island if I didn’t have my bearings.

        2. SuprisinglyADHD*

          Her instructions also specifically say it must be “an adult known to you” so no taxis or ubers. Probably because they can’t guarantee you will recognize if you’re at the wrong place, or have someone to get you inside, after the anesthesia.

    13. GoryDetails*

      I just did one. My prep was the Suprep version, where I had to drink the 16-oz mixture PLUS two additional 16-oz servings of water within an hour. It did sound pretty daunting, but I followed a recommendation to use ice water for the initial mixture (helps cut the taste, which was… not great but not as horrible as I’d feared), while room-temp water for the remaining servings was easier to drink. Had to do that once the afternoon before the day, and once in the morning before the procedure.

      My big word of advice: Vaseline. By the procedure day my poor rear was feeling the burn from flushing what was effectively pure stomach-acid in water straight through, and I wished I’d applied some Vaseline or equivalent earlier in the process!

      [Side note: the procedure went smoothly – the anesthetic was miraculous, the staff pleasant, the results clear. The team even sent me a thank-you card, which was nice but a bit weird. And at my age and medical history, plus the clear test results, I don’t have to have another colonoscopy ever!]

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        Suprep is the one she will be using, I got the paperwork. I’ll give her the ice water suggestion, AND mention the vaseline, thank you!

    14. the Viking Diva*

      I haven’t ever had a prep with pills. But I find it much easier to get the liquid down if it’s chilled, and to use a straw (less contact with taste buds). I guess 16 oz in an hour doesn’t sound like much to me? I’d drink that with lunch! And as others have noted, that’s much less volume than some other preps. Also agree with the lemon-lime flavorings suggested below, if possible. I like macrobiotic juice and/or yogurt to get the GI flora reestablished afterwards.

      She’ll be OK! Colonoscopies are inconvenient for a day or two but she can keep her eye on the prize, taking good care of her health. “Love your butt,” as an old health campaign used to say.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Seconding chilling the liquid a bit!

        And yeah, the prep is annoying, but I agree that colonoscopies are awesome as medical procedures go — if they find anything problematic that’s not too big, they can take it right out then and there, without any further inconvenience to the patient.

    15. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I finally got to look at the paperwork myself. No pills, that’s a different procedure.
      At 2pm, mix the medicine into a 16 oz container with water and drink it all. In the next hour, drink TWO more 16 oz containers of water without the medicine. Then repeat at midnight.
      If I’ve done the math right that’s about 6 (measuring) cups in an hour, twice. I’m gonna have to look up what happens if she can’t do the prep perfectly, and probably call the doctor for more info too. She’s panicking…
      Maybe she can swap the two follow up bottles of water for some other clear liquid off the list. Broth, tea, or apple juice might be more palatable for her. It’s also possible she can get a single dose of anxiety medicine to help the morning of, like when I got LASIK. Her secondary fear is that the facility only lets patients in, no patient advocate even in the waiting room. I’ve been going with her after several doctors bullied her and scared her. She would have liked me to be there till the IV was set up and she talked to the anesthesiologist.

      1. Alan*

        That’s a bizarre policy re patient advocates. I can perhaps understand if it were a covid precaution but… My wife and I generally go to each other’s appointments, to the waiting room at the very least but if possible, further, because it’s often helpful to have an extra pair of ears in there. I’m sorry that your mom is nervous. I remember my first colonoscopy, and I was nervous too, until the woman in the bed next to me starting becoming genuinely hysterical and somehow that calmed me down. I’ve only had two but both have been really pretty easy. The hardest part I think is the anxiety.

      2. GoryDetails*

        It’s a shame they won’t let anyone else in – maybe COVID precautions? At mine, they insisted that I have someone to give me a ride home, and asked that he stick around during the procedure instead of being on call to come back and get me. (They were apparently getting through the procedures very quickly that day and wanted to be able to send people home ASAP, hence the please-stick-around request. But my procedure went quickly because they only found one polyp to deal with; it could take a lot longer if there are multiple finds.)

    16. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      My gastroenterologist has started prescribing zofran (anti-nausea med) to take along with the prep. She should ask about that if she is concerned
      16 oz of water is a lot lower than the prep I have used – I’ve done 3 and they have all been much higher volume of liquid.
      But 16 ounces over the course of an hour isn’t very much. Just set a timer for 15 minute intervals and space it out.

      The only real advice I have is go easy on the sweet clear diet. So much of what you are allowed on the fast is sweet and that can be really nausea inducing by the end of the day. It is easier to fast completely for a good chunk of the day. Get some fluids and electrolytes but don’t over do it.

      1. Ochre*

        I did wish I had included more salt in my “clear fluids” because the electrolyte shift gave me a terrible headache. That was worse than the (expected) bathroom trips!

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Happened to me too!

          I found out the hard way that licking a little salt in the morning because my electrolytes felt off counted as “eating too close to surgery” and had my procedure delayed for several hours. Should have just done more gatorade or equivalent during the time when I was supposed to be drinking.

    17. Yes!*

      Can totally relate. I was halfway through and having a really hard time not throwing it all up, and I would have had to reschedule and start all over. However, I was able to get a super fast prescription (from my doctor’s advice nurse) for a pill that stopped the nausea. Apparently I could have asked for this ahead of time from the doctor’s office doing the colonoscopy.

    18. GoryDetails*

      One more thing that I’ve found helpful: when I had my first colonoscopy five years ago and had no idea what it would be like, I bought a package of Depends adult diapers. Found them very handy when I was in mid-prep and couldn’t predict how often I’d have to sprint to the bathroom. (There were times when I just sat in there for 10 or 15 minutes, but mostly it was a lot of back-and-forth.) Used some again this time, and they did give me peace of mind – in addition to catching some drips!

    19. Hroethvitnir*

      Just adding in a positive story for reassurance – as someone who generally gets nausea whenever nausea is an option, I was pretty worried about my first prep! But it honestly was not a problem.

      I had the type where there are no pills but you do drink a litre (around 1/4 gal) in an hour plus water. I just set a timer and drank exactly 250 mL every 15 minutes (or however it worked out… it’s been a couple of years).

      I was extremely careful to transition over the week to low residue then liquids, a little earlier/more carefully than even required, and it worked perfectly and wasn’t even that uncomfortable (though next time I might take the Vaseline recommendation :/).

      I hope it goes smoothly for her too!

    20. FACS*

      My prep (2nd colonoscopy) was a 6 oz bottle of prep then two eight ounce glasses of water over an hour. Repeat 5 hours before procedure. It was manageable with small sips over time.

    21. ElastiGirl*

      The pills are ultra easy compared to the disgusting powder. My doctor won’t prescribe the pills anymore (dk why), so I am honestly a bit jealous of your mom. And yes, 16 oz of water seems low.

    22. Zofran*

      Some folks are noting they were given Zofran to avoid nausea. I’m shocked by that because Zofran very commonly causes constipation which would be a major problem during colonoscopy prep. So don’t be surprised if your doctor says no to Zofran.

    23. DocGlobe*

      Did this a few weeks ago. Pharmacist suggested chilling the prep drink ahead of time in the fridge. I also used a straw to literally just swallow it down. Also for a few days before ate a little more lightly and less fiber (I know that sounds counterintuitive but it makes the process easier). I’d been putting off getting this done for years – wish I hadn’t. It really was very easy indeed

  23. Nonny today*

    I asked last week for advice on potentially helping a friend through grad school and wanted to thank everyone who chimed in and asked important and tough questions. Ultimately it was moot as my friend dropped out the next day, but I feel better prepared to tackle any future potentialities.

  24. Rain*

    I got loads of good icebreaker questions last week, so.would love more work-safe suggestions.

    (Favourite appliance was a surprise hit!)

    1. BikeWalkBarb*

      We recently had “If you could be great at any of the Olympic sports, which one would it be?” and that was pretty fun.

    2. The Wrong Trousers*

      I heard this one at a workshop recently and the answers were FASCINATING.
      How do you organize/put away your socks?

      1. Anonymous cat*

        Do you remember any of the answers? Beyond “stuff them in separate drawers for dark colors and white” ?

        I’m hoping someone quarantines the red socks to prevent laundry mishaps!

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      Ooh, I’ll have to go back to the previous post. A coworker came across a graphic showing various levels of marshmallow toastedness and debating the ideal version was a big hit. You could also do best noodle shape. “What color is math” (and/or other subjects) is a good one too!

      1. Rain*

        Oh, I love ‘best noodle shape”! Those are the exact type of question I’m looking for.

    4. Someone stole my croissant*

      What is your …
      Spirit animal (although tbh I think this one’s weird)
      Favorite dessert
      Favorite plant/tree
      Favorite way to cook steak
      Favorite book
      Favorite invention

      Would you rather…
      Hard pillow or soft pillow
      Butterfly or caterpillar
      Dog or cat
      Boat or plane
      Milk or dark chocolate
      Camp or glamp

      If you could…
      Change your name
      Invent an ice cream
      Discover a galaxy/found a country, what would you name it?
      Gain a superpower
      Go back in time
      Evade taxes, what would you spend it on(don’t do this if it’s the irs or government ;))

      1. Aneurin*

        Yes, please don’t use “spirit animal” for obvious (and easily internet-searchable) cultural appropriation reasons.

  25. kid decision*

    I’m looking for stories of people who have changed thier minds about kids, from either direction. (yes to no, no to yes)

    I’ve been mostly a “no” until the last few months, where I’m starting to see some of the joy in children. I’m still very hesitant as I’m a selfish, impatient person and honestly don’t know if I’d be a good parent. I am also terrified about the idea of giving birth. I do not want to die lmao. I’m also not a fan of having some creature inside me.

    So clearly there’s still conflict and my husband and I have been discussing steps forward. I want to hear about people’s experiences of changing their mind–did you regret it?

    1. allathian*

      Regretting the kids you have is one of the few taboos we have left. It’s much better to later regret never having kids if you’re unsure, because that doesn’t involve other people, especially not a child who’s completely dependent on you to survive.

      My personal opinion is that every kid should be born into a family that wants them. Don’t have kids just because society expects you to. Certainly don’t have kids just to stay married to someone who does want them.

      Until I met my husband at 33 I was at best neutral about having kids. We had a mostly LDR for the first three years, but I was intentionally pregnant within 6 months of getting our first apartment together, because I got lucky and became pregnant the first cycle we tried. I was 37 when our son was born, and being his mom is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

      Don’t try for a kid if you hate the idea, but if you’re hesitant, you can sit on it for a while.

      2. Clisby*

        +100. I never wanted children until I met my husband – it was not because I didn’t like children. I actually liked most children better than I liked most adults (and I was the eldest of 6 kids), I just … wasn’t feeling being a mother. Luckily, my first child was born when I was 42, and the 2nd when I was 48, and they’re the joy
        of my life.

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        I remember a book I read several years ago that really stuck with me; it said that when it comes to kids, people fall into the Yes, No, and Maybe camps.

        With Yes and No, the choice is pretty clear to the chooser. My sister was a Yes–she wanted kids and knew it, the man she married also did, and she’s got three now.

        I, just as emphatically, was and am a No. Never wanted them, never felt any longings or sense of regret. I have no objections to children, love my nieces and nephew, but kids have never been part of my inner landscape.

        The problem can come with the Maybe camp, because that’s the mindset that can often be talked/persuaded into a decision that hasn’t been fully thought through, but relies more on “well, here’s hoping” as its motto. Quite a few Maybes were really Nos, but due to many factors (society, family pressure, you name it) had never really articulated that. Then, when they had kids, they were not mentally or emotionally prepared for the experience.

        Many of course were glad they had had children, but a significant number did regret it, and were stuck with a decision that directly affected the happiness and well being of a person they chose to bring into the world. It was the source of a lot of guilt and resentment.

        So I would say: try this experiment. Clear your mind, then think clearly and deliberately, “I am pregnant/partner is pregnant.” What is your initial reaction, the first thing you feel?

        If it’s joy, excitement, or pleasure, think more about your choice. If you have ANY doubt, dread, or sinking in the stomach–that is your answer.

    2. Jules the First*

      Two things helped me make the decision to have a kid (and that I have revisited this summer while deciding whether to have a second kid). First, a friend who desperately wanted kids but had endured years of infertility pointed out that the question is actually not “do I want to have kids?” but “do I want to try to have kids?” For me, I could quite easily see going either way if the question was do I *want* kids, but reframing it about trying helped me realise that I would regret never having tried.

      The second piece that helped was actually someone at AAM who said she’d found it helpful to think about her dinner table in 20 years. Who do you picture around that table and why?

      1. Solokid*

        That last question lines up with me not wanting kids. I want to be surrounded by friends where the decision is mutual to be in each other’s life. Family gatherings have always felt forced to me, even the people I greatly get along with.

      2. Galle*

        The idea of deciding to try for children without being clear if you even want kids is terrifying to me. Children deserve to be wanted :/

        1. Ali + Nino*

          Yeah this line of thinking is really not working for me. If you know you want kids I would say you should start trying when you feel ready to be pregnant (versus ready to have the kid in your arms right now) bc you do have the majority of a year until you get the kid! (if all goes well right away of course). the idea of trying just for the sake of trying and possibly not wanting kids seems almost irresponsible to me tbh

        2. Roland*

          I understood it like flipping a coin for a big decision – it’s not that you’re bound by the result, but rather thay you might get a very obvious “phew”/”darn” feeling at the result and thus know what you want. Like that it helped them understand that they want kids, not that they were still on the fence but tried anyway.

    3. Six Feldspar*

      I’m paraphrasing from a tumblr post that I can’t find at the moment:

      Having kids is the one major life decision you’re expected to make that you can’t reverse. You can quit a job, move or sell a house, divorce or break up with a partner. You cannot unhave a kid, and once you’ve started you’re on the hook for 18 years of caregiving at absolute minimum until they’re a legal adult, and you can’t take a step back to look after yourself unless someone else is there to take over the caregiving.

      For me, seeing it written out like that was what affirmed me not wanting kids and gave me confidence in my decision going forward. Hopefully it helps you too whichever way you decide.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        My dad told me the same thing – it’s the one decision you can’t reverse. Take it seriously! And that’s also part of what makes it so hard – it’s the only job you can’t quit!

        1. Six Feldspar*

          I made some offhand comment to my Mum comparing having kids to running ultramarathons, and she immediately said “ultramarathons end”. Meanwhile it took me a week to commit to making a sourdough starter because I was worried i wouldn’t be able to look after it…

    4. Beauty School Dropout*

      I have flip flopped all the way around 360 degrees (so back where I started) on this one. I started as a “No.” Like you, I find myself too impatient and too into adult things like peace and quiet. Since I never met a partner that solidified my no. Then in my 40s I felt stable and decided I wanted to try (as Jules the First said). It didn’t work and I found myself at peace with that. I think if I had had the right partner I would have done it and probably been reasonably happy, but I’m also reasonably happy in this branch of the multiverse where I’m really into my pets and my friends instead.

    5. Forensic13*

      It can help to tangle out exactly what you mean by things and the reasons behind them. I didn’t want kids for a long time, and realized it was because I had some /concerns/ about what parenthood would be like from my own childhood. But I thought about why I wanted a kid, and it was because I wanted to be there while my kid grew and learned, so I could support them. Not to have a copy of me that would do exactly what I wanted!

      And then you can consider exactly what you mean by selfish and impatient. I am a VERY impatient person, but I’m learning to be better most of the time. I’ve learned I can be patient for my kid most of the time, but there are certain activities for which I just can’t, so I work to minimize them or trade off with my husband. And I’m not “selfish,” but having time for myself is very important. I can’t have that all the time, of course, but we make sure I have it sometimes, and that makes a huge difference.

    6. Generic Name*

      Honestly, you don’t sound all that selfish to me. Truly selfish people never stop to think how their actions would affect other people. Just a data point from an internet stranger. :)

    7. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I made the decision to stay child-free for similar reasons as you: I’m impatient, mean when I’m sleep deprived, irritated by repetitive noise, cranky if I don’t get enough alone time, AND I have time-blindness. No baby or child deserves to be raised like that, and I would be miserable trying to cope. All that entirely besides the fact that everything about pregnancy sounds horrifying to me. Particularly now, with abortion rights in jeopardy, I’m terrified that a hospital might prioritize a nonviable pregnancy over my own life/health.
      Other people’s kids are wonderful! I enjoy teaching, babysitting, and mentoring, but after a few hours I’m DONE. My favorite line to my family is, “yes, babies are cute, I can give them back if they start leaking or making unusual noises.”
      If at some point my partner and I change our minds about being parents, I STILL would not get pregnant. Most likely, we would foster or adopt older children or even teens, who can manage their own hygiene, and at least try to explain what they are upset about.
      All this is a lot of words to say, your initial fears and decision to not have children are still valid, and definitely worth giving weight to as you reconsider. Seeing some of the joy in children is not the same as wanting to raise one, and you can consider whether your desire is to be a parent, or spend time babysitting, mentoring, or teaching children. There are also alternatives to being pregnant yourself, including surrogacy if genetic ties are important to you. You are already ahead of the curve in that you are considering the safety and happiness of your potential future children. I would advise that if you are still hesitant AT ALL, you should stick with your initial “no”. Most importantly, remember that in the end, the only opinion that matters is YOURS.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        “Seeing some of the joy in children is not the same as wanting to raise one.”

        AMEN. My line is “I love panda bears, but I don’t want to raise one.” Would I pay cash money to cuddle a baby panda? You bet! Am I remotely equipped to actually care for and raise an endangered animal? NO.

      2. Lady Danbury*

        You sound very similar to me. The level of sleep deprivation that parenting requires turns me into a person who should not be a parent or at least not the type of parent that I think any child deserves. I don’t have any diagnosed neurodivergence or mental health issues, but I am at a point in my life where I know that there are certain things that I need to be mentally healthy and emotionally regulated, so that I can show up as a good partner, family member, employee, etc. A certain level of sleep is one of those things. A day or two of not meeting that need is a hugely different from a month or two or a year or two (or more). And a vulnerable child makes the stakes even more important to be able to show up in a way that is healthy for that child.

    8. Snow Kitten*

      I ended up sticking to “no,” but I almost changed my mind to “yes” and it sounds like that might be where you are. In my case it was my biological clock hitting the panic button. It was so bad that if I saw a baby I started crying, I suddenly wanted one so badly. But I reviewed in my mind why I had been a “no” for many years (by this time I was late 30’s), which included being impatient, often low energy, and a real concern that my own anxiety would cause me to just lock ’em in a closet to keep them “safe.” :-) I ended up sticking to “no” and I’m very glad I did. Don’t mistake me — I love children, but I can play with others’ kids and babies! I realize sometimes I’ve missed out on some really great experiences, but I do not regret it overall. If you are really really unsure what you want to do, a short course of talking to a therapist might help you sort it out. Also, quite frankly, kids should be 100% wanted (if possible), so being sure would be important to them as well as to you. Good luck!

    9. Hroethvitnir*

      I have not changed my mind, but it’s been interesting to observe the specifics of my feelings over time.

      I do think we should be cognisant that our bodies very much want us to have children, so desire doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the best idea. Tbf my perspective is that a large number of parents who do love their kids and aren’t awful still… probably shouldn’t have.

      Anyway, I’ve always liked kids and never wanted my own. It was pretty fascinating to observe that once I had a hysterectomy, my affection toward children increased markedly – I think because I finally felt safe.

      I would love to foster if I was ever financially and psychologically stable enough, but it seems unlikely at this stage (39, still struggling).

      1. Beauty School Dropout*

        Yes I agree that you can sort of listen to your body without feeling that what the body wants is an imperative. I did go through a sort of “baby phase” right as I was exiting my childbearing years but it wasn’t a true emotional/psychological desire to be a parent, it was a very physical urge to have a baby. It passed quickly. I’m pretty sure scientists would be able to find the hormone that caused it. I’m sure glad now that I didn’t let a hormone surge ruin multiple lives!!

    10. Miss Buttons*

      I would listen to your doubts. Children need to be wanted and cherished. I was a divorced mom of two for many years, loved my kids fiercely and had lots of patience, but it was still challenging. I have no regrets.
      There are so many ways to interact with kids without being a parent. Being an aunt/uncle, sports coach, Scout leader, Big Brother/Sister or mentor through another organization, library volunteer, volunteers who hold babies in hospitals, many many others. Why not explore some of those?

    11. Kay*

      I almost changed my mind, I was so very close, and I’m so glad I didn’t. I was always a no, then I was with someone who really wanted to be a dad. He would have been an amazing father, we would have had an amazing life, and I could see having a couple of adorable little minis running around – but that was a best case scenario.

      The reality was that the relationship didn’t turn out so amazing, I’m so thankful I can sleep in if I want, I don’t have to worry about any human hating me because they disagree on how I raised them, I don’t have to worry about raising a human who I don’t like at all (while having to fake it 24 hours a day), my bank account loves me, I didn’t have to be a single mom, the list goes on.

      Kids are hard enough when you really want them, I can’t imagine how hard it would be if you weren’t all in.

    12. Scientist*

      There have been some great comments here, but I want to add to the conversation that I don’t actually think you have to be “100% sure” you want kids to have them. Some people are, but a lot of people are like, “Well, I’m pretty sure, but am I 100%???” And I think being like, 90% sure is okay! There are people like me who are super literal and analytical and who feel uncomfortable committing to totality, and that doesn’t mean you don’t get to have kids, just because you can see the slim chance of possibly being wrong. And as someone with two amazing small children, I’ll also say that while regret for having children is absolutely real, I think more commonly the wonder of your own kiddos, and all the hormones and bonding and pheromones and fuzziness of their tiny heads, can make up some of those last few percentage points.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        I really like how you explained this! I think unless people have struggled with infertility for many years there’s always going to be some room for doubt or fear. but you’re ready to start trying when your excitement and enthusiasm at the prospect of having children outweighs that doubt or fear.

      2. Beauty School Dropout*

        Yep. I hear some people who are around 50-60% sure (which is where I was) struggling with the decision and I think hmmm … for me, at least, 50-60 was a no. But I would say 85 or above is fine to just round up! That’s partly what people mean when they say there’s “no perfect time” or whatever. Weirdly, I would worry for someone who was only 85% sure they wanted to get married (absent some sort of known pervasive anxiety issue). I guess because you don’t *have* to marry that person, and if you want to be married there’s a good chance you can find someone who is at least in the 90% range haha.

    13. Lady Danbury*

      I went from yes to maybe to no over the past maybe 15 years. The yes stage was when I was a young adult (mostly 20s), knew that I liked kids but had very few friends or peer age family members who had them. I was very familiar with kids (younger cousins, family owned preschool) but was not having intimate conversations about the parenting experience with parents.

      Maybe stage was my early to mid 30s. Close peer family/friends started having kids so I actually saw the parenting process up close and also had honest and intimate conversations with people who were parents. I was able to observe the changes that parenting brought (both good and bad) for people I knew in the BK stage, as opposed to people I had only known as parents. I started to develop a more realistic view of what parenting was and how it could impact me.

      The no stage started in my late 30s. I have a wonderful, settled life that still has challenges. I acknowledge that I am very privileged compared to many, but still feel like I don’t have enough time or money for all of the things that I want to do. Having a child would likely compound those feelings, plus my time would no longer be my own. I now have niblings that I am extremely close to and so I feel like they bring me all of the benefits of parenting without any of the drawbacks. Whenever I am required to parent them (I usually have them for 1-3 weeks while my sister/BIL travel), I become a stressed (because managing parenting and a demanding job, plus other life demands, is hard!), sleep deprived, less emotionally regulated person. I don’t think I like who I am as a full time parent and I’ve concluded that I am ok with not being one. I still enjoy children and spend more time with my niblings than some parents do with their own kids, lol. But there’s a huge difference between loving kids and enjoying being an auntie (one of the best things in my life) and wanting to have your own kids. Becoming a parent brings changes that obviously cannot be undone and deciding whether you want those changes is a deeply personal decision.

    14. Washi*

      I agree, I think it’s an almost impossibly high bar to say you need to be 100% sure about something you’ve never experienced before and that there’s really no way to try out first (personally, babysitting and mentoring felt VERY different than having my own).

      I did not want to have children until I had married and lived with husband a while and realized that what I didn’t want was what my mother had, which was doing 90% of the childcare and housework, and that that’s not the life I would have with my husband. I also reached the point where I couldn’t be 100% sure I would love being a parent, but I was very sure I wanted to take the leap and do something different with my life.

      I was pretty sick in pregnancy and my son struggled with both sleeping and eating to an extent that I did regret it for the first 1.5 years after conception. But I loooove having a toddler (to my surprise, I never liked other people’s toddlers) and I’m pregnant with my second now! And it’s a lot easier because I’m putting no pressure on myself to enjoy pregnancy or the first 6 months postpartum, I know the fun part comes later.

      2. MP*

        My first was a wild ride but I’ve enjoyed #2 so much more because of realistic expectations like you mentioned. Congrats on your pregnancy!!!

    15. oh wow really anon for this one*

      When my husband and I first started dating I wanted kids and he didn’t. He didn’t really see himself as the settling down type or whatever. After we’d been together for awhile he started to want kids too. Then our house burned down due to a natural disaster. About a year later he said he’d like to start trying for a baby. I told him “no” because even though losing everything had been hard on us as a couple with no kids, I had seen how exponentially more difficult it was for families with kids (my work involved young children at the time). We agreed to put this discussion on hold for at least awhile. Then our house burned down again due to another natural disaster (we no longer lived in the same geographic area but it happened anyway). After that neither of us wanted kids.

    16. Ricotta*

      I’m a “hell no” and I’ve always been a “hell no” but I wanted to ask–have you done any practical experimentation here? I see a lot of discussion in the comments about soul searching, but do you spend significant time with infants and children on a regular basis? If this is all theoretical to you, go out and babysit. You can find out how you’ll react to stressful parent-adjacent situations (since as they say, it’s different when it’s yours) and start to get a better understanding of where you stand. Navel-gazing about being a mom can only get you so far.

      1. Scientist*

        As a parent, I would say that babysitting and caring for other people’s kids for short term periods of time (like, less than a few months continuously) is so unlike parenting that it shouldn’t be used to help decide at all.

    17. Anonanonanoninon*

      My husband and I had been on the fence for a long time, but despite whatever pro/con lists we made or how terrified I am, I’ve never arrived at a clear “no”, which to me meant that the answer was ultimately yes. (We haven’t been successful so far, which brings in a whole bunch of other decisions…)

      I do feel like I know myself and my partner quite well and we have a very strong marriage. Basically I know that I can and will do what is needed for another person, and that as a couple that we can do hard things and still come out loving each other.

      1. Beauty School Dropout*

        I think this is a valid framework also. When I evaluated my potential, I had serious doubts bout my financial stability, family support, health, emotional stability – even practical ability to secure quality childcare. Those kinds of really practical considerations pushed me into a “no” even when I was kind of on the fence about what I wanted in my heart. Honestly, if I was an heiress with millions at my disposal, maybe I would have pursued single parenting because I would have had a high degree of confidence that, even if I wasn’t perfect, I could secure the right help and things would probably be okay for the child, even if the child had challenges/special needs, versus, “well, I’d probably make it work, right??” Obviously there are no guarantees but at least I would have reasonable confidence. I would feel differently in different contexts (married etc). I chose no and I think that’s the right call for me.

    18. Accidental Parent*

      I have always been in the “no” camp. Hard nope.

      Through a series of unfortunate events, I ended up having a child anyway. I was treated so poorly by potential adoption agencies, as if me sitting in a hospital with a baby in NICU and me barely surviving due to a vascular disorder was all part of my evil plan, that I decided I can’t be much worse than those people are.

      More than two years later, I’m finding that while being a single mom to a toddler is really difficult, I’m actually kinda thriving? Still healing from all the trauma and I’m sure the stress will be the death of me, but I’ve also gotten my act together in ways I never bothered with before. And my kid is smarter than I am by far (but still a toddler and thus prone to toddlerisms).

      Would I ever do this again? Absolutely not.
      Are there days I regret my decision? You betcha.
      Do I love my kid? Also yes– my goal in life now is just making sure he turns out better than I did lol

      I am probably @allathian’s worst case scenario, given the opinion that kids should only be born into families that want them: not only am I an accidental single parent, but I’m also the kid who was born to parents who wanted a kid– and ended up in foster care until reaching adulthood lol

  26. Ginger Cat Lady*

    Parking question:
    This week I had to do some shopping at two stores, both in a small town main street type setting where all the stores are like rowhouses with shared walls and the parking areas are behind the buildings.
    I parked in the lot behind Store A, where I shopped for about half an hour and spent about $150. Then I ran next door to Store B and bought 1 item, about $7.
    Got back to my car behind Store A and my car had been booted! The lot did have a sign that said “Parking for patrons of Store A only” but since I did do the bulk of my shopping at Store A I didn’t think it was an issue to pop into Store B. Between the time stamp on my receipt and the point in the conversation with the manager of Store A where I showed it to him was 18 minutes, so I wasn’t in Store B for long at all. Despite all that, Manager of Store A refused to have the boot removed.
    Cost me $180 to get my car unbooted, and Store A has lost all my business permanently. I’ll drive to the next town over rather than shop there.
    Was I in the wrong to think I could use the one lot to shop both stores? Should I have moved my car between shops? (Not sure where I would have moved it to, as there is no designated lot for any of the other stores on that block. The lot was not even close to full when I was there. Maybe 10 of 30-40 spaces were occupied.) Did I get caught in the crossfire of some kind of turf war between the two businesses? Should I take an Uber back to Store A and return all $150 of the stuff I bought? I’m seriously tempted.

    1. acmx*

      I’d return the items. I can be petty like that. Then you’ve almost covered the cost of boot removal.

      I’m curious as to how he knew you shopped elsewhere? And I would have made the same decision regarding where to park.

      You could check if what he did is legal. The whole lot is reserved for A? We’re the signs in the front row or spaces?

    2. Esprit de l'escalier*

      I think the manager was being unreasonable — they should have treated this as an forgiveable first offense and let you off with a warning.

      If the stuff you bought at Store A isn’t seriously important or necessary for you, yes, I would return all of it, although I wouldn’t take an Uber, as you’ve lost enough money there without adding that expense. The return would let you recoup a good chunk of the $180 you paid to ransom your car, but also I suspect that if you kept those items you would not have much pleasure in using them — they would always remind of this bad experience.

      1. BellaStella (cat lady)*

        Agree here. Return all the items plus leave a review on yelp etc. If this p’ace has an owner above this guy also write the owner a letter

        1. Maggie*

          I’m super surprised by people’s responses. This is standard parking lot procedure. If it says store A only and you leave, you’ll be booted or towed.

          1. ShopAndPark*

            Not in my experience. As long as you shop in store A you’ve paid for parking in their lot. Having you towed/booted is unforgivable under those circumstances.

          2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

            This is also standard near me. There’s a donut shop that’s notorious. And if you ever watch Parking Wars in Philadelphia, this happens all the time. You’re only allowed to park while physically in the store. The store hires the tow company and the drivers hide out waiting for someone to do this. That’s how they make money.

          3. RussianInTexas*

            Yeah, I would never leave my car in a designated spot if I am going somewhere else, even if I did stop with them originally, because they will get you booted, or even worse, towed. Especially in the more popular places.

          4. RagingADHD*

            Not standard at all where I live, unless you’re in a “30 minute only for pickup” space, or leave it there for hours.

            Under 20 minutes, after you did actually shop there and make a significant purchase? No manager around here is going to call for a boot in that situation.

            1. Maggie*

              Yeah, it’s bogus that the manager called. Where I live the lots are patrolled by tow companies that they’re already under an agreement with, so the store doesn’t do anything, if a two truck sees you do it, they just tow immediately. I’m in a big city so it makes more sense because people will try to park at a grocery store and then go out to the bars down the street or whatever. I guess I don’t see anywhere in the post where it says the manager called so maybe it’s the same situation? Very weird for a small town though.

              1. RagingADHD*

                Well, the OP didn’t park and go to the other store. They shopped in Store A first.

                And they had a conversation with the manager in which the manager had control over whether the boot was removed or not. So I don’t think the situation is like yours.

            2. Sally Ann*

              The store manager doesn’t call in these situations. The store hires a towing company, that company gets a bounty for every car they tow. The signs are absolutely literal – “parking for store A only”. Not “parking for store A and any other store nearby”. The tow company hires people to watch drivers park , go into the store, and leave the store, and if the drivers go to a different store, the watchers notify whoever is supposed to tow or boot the car. Annoying and a hard lesson.

          5. Nancy*

            This is standard where I live too. There are other public lots, spaces behind the buildings for anyone, and metered parking on the street, so it’s not like there aren’t other options if you want to shop in multiple stores.

            It’s probably also easier to stick to the policy for everyone than make exceptions.

    3. RagingADHD*

      I would most certainly return the items, and park at the store to do it, since you would actually be in the store at the time.

    4. BikeWalkBarb*

      You *were* a patron of Store A and this is unreasonable and extremely bad customer service. Return the stuff. If you can go by bike or transit to do so, even better.

      1. Lala*

        I once parked in the lot of the package store and first visited the charity store next door (no parking). after I went into the package store. when I checked out, they gave me a warning.
        I understand, but I wasn’t in the lot long, and I never went in to that package store again.
        I think there’s a line here, but the store you went in definitely crossed it by miles.
        I’d return the stuff, if it doesn’t cost you more trouble than you want to spend (return, uber cost, buying the items elsewhere). But either way, I’d try to find someone above this person to complain to.

    5. Maggie*

      The sign said parking for store A only. I live in a city where those lots are patrolled and 1 minute not in Store A and you’ll be towed. So I would have moved my car. I don’t see why you’d return merchandise because you parked somewhere that said it’s for store A only and then went another store. I guess I’m just used to it be extremely strict, and it’s super unfortunate that that happened, but it is what the sign said .

      1. abca*

        What if you’re a slow walker, or just bought something to eat in the parking lot before you go back to your car? I’m not in the US so if this sounds strange it’s maybe that, but this sounds really bad to me, and I’m surprised some people say this is totally normal. I would expect at least a grace period after leaving the store. I guess I have been brainwashed a bit by hearing so often that service in the US is so awesome (like greeters in supermarkets, people that bag your groceries) that it really surprises me that this isn’t a one-off terrible store but more common than that.
        Where I live this is usually handled the other way around: paid parking lot, if you spend more than $20 in the store, you get an hour of parking for free.

        1. Maggie*

          There’s all kinds of ways parking is handled, some are pay lots that validate, but some are open parking lots like what happened with OP. In a big city parking is in short supply and considered a premium. Tow companies patrol the lots and if you are seen leaving your car and going elsewhere then they’ll tow you. (Not boot in my area). Because there is only so much space in a parking lot for people shopping at that store. For reference I live in Chicago, but this happens in any big city. If you’re walking slow I don’t think that matters, you’re still walking between either your car or the store. Eating in your car? I mean that’s probably fine, however if there’s a line of cars waiting to park and use the store I’ll leave instead of sitting in my car eating so they can have a turn to shop too. What’s weird is it seemed to happen in a small town with tons of parking vs a city with limited space.

        1. Maggie*

          Yeah it sounds like people live in places where the parking is more lenient, and they enjoy that, so that’s great! For reference I live in Chicago, pretty normal city, but in busy cities parking is at a premium, and if a business even has a lot which is rare, they are not going to allow people to use it for other stores. Parking lots tend to be small and stores busy, so there’s shoppers waiting to take your space and enter the store themselves

          1. GythaOgden*

            We have this conversation with people at a property we manage every month in a tenants’ meeting. Every month someone asks where alternative parking is, every month we have to say that we’re not responsible for other arrangements. It’s frustrating for both parties, but unfortunately we can’t create a pocket dimension out of nowhere and resolve the issue, so people with this issue have to be able to grasp that it is what it is at a certain point.

            As a non-driver I have been a bit unsympathetic in the past and I’m working on my empathy in that regard, but unfortunately there will always be limitations on parking and people need to be able to keep moving in and out for it to be viable for the business which maintains the lot.

      3. CoffeeIsMyFriend*

        out of curiosity how do they know? I can see if it’s been hours but how do they know whose car is whose it’s just been 30 minutes or so? someone watching on a camera the whole time?

    6. WS*

      Yeah, absolutely don’t go back. Return the stuff you bought if it’s not too much hassle, tell them why you’re not going back. Are they technically in the right? Sure. Was it an extremely dumb hill for them to die on? Yes.

      My local cinema reduced all their parking to 2 hours, shorter than the length of most movies, and definitely shorter than everything once you include previews etc., and it’s not a place with any public transport. So I told them I wouldn’t be coming back, and I must not have been the only one, because they changed it to 4 hours.

    7. Morning Reading*

      I think you probably did get caught in a parking wars situation. I don’t understand where they want patrons of Store B to park. All parking belongs to Store A?

      I don’t know if you are a resident or have any influence in this small town, but, a note to the local chamber or whatever city department is in charge of this system may be in order. Mention that the parking rules seem to prevent shopping anywhere but Store A. And that you won’t be shopping in that town again (at any store) after this expensive experience.

      I understand that this practice may be common in big cities where parking is at a premium. But in a small town with parking in a lot behind the stores? Never seen it. And I’ve never heard of the “boot” outside Chicago (most places just tow.) with a little investigation you might find that little town has a toxic local political situation that leads to these petty squabbles. Stay well away.

      1. Beauty School Dropout*

        If store A owns and pays for the lot and maintenance, I totally understand why they don’t care where patrons of store b are supposed to park. But since OP was a valuable patron I agree financially they should have given her a grace period and deserve to lose the sale by not doing so. I would return the items if possible (why do I feel like this store is going to have a “no returns” policy?).

        1. Morning Reading*

          It never occurred to me that the store might own the lot. Aren’t most stores rental spaces for the building itself? In my town, the parking behind the stores is owned by the city, and there are a few designated spaces, but we don’t have towing or booting that I know of. They would ticket before either. And, the small businesses are often trying to support each other. It seems to be the hope that some stores (pot shops, boutiques, antique stores) will attract shoppers who will then stop elsewhere to buy something else. That seems to be what the chamber of commerce does, trying to create an environment appealing to browsers.
          I guess if they own the lot, they can set the rules. But if their rules drive away customers, especially customers they might share with the store next door, they are doing capitalism wrong.

          1. GythaOgden*

            Tell me you’ve never been in property management without telling me you’ve never been in property management, either as a tenant or a landlord!

            The shop may lease the building, you’re right, but they may also pay to have an agreement to maintain the car park at the same time by paying extra for it to be exclusively for their use. The healthcare facilities we run are the same — the car park is maintained by us, but the tenant has exclusive rights to use it (and maintain it for patients as well) and it will be factored into the rent they pay. Thus they can definitely preclude people from using it who aren’t there for the purpose of using the clinic or the hospital or working there!

            I was on reception in a property with free parking, and the number of people who essentially used us as a park and ride system because of easy bus access into town was frustrating. It cut down spaces for the people who were legitimately here on business. While we were a healthcare office rather than a shop, in general this is common in the UK too because of very limited space.

            There are never enough parking spaces and tenants pay to reserve them for the use of their own customers and employees all. the. time.

            1. Beauty School Dropout*

              Sure if OP had said “I parked and then caught a bus to work” we would have come down differently. But she did shop in the store and spent a good amount, and her visit to the second store was less than 15 minutes so it’s not like she was freeloading. The store technically had the right, sure, but OP also has the right to think they are a crappy place to shop and to return her purchases.

    8. Jay*

      It all depends on the store, the city, the culture, and how badly it’s abused.
      You go in, buy a stick of gum, and then leave for the day and shop at every other store on the street while they loose sales because you’re taking up one of their four total parking spaces? Towed.
      You do your shopping there and then pop across the street for a quick iced coffee for the ride home? You’re fine.
      What store A did was a dick move, unless you were taking up very limited, valuable space, or it was a store who’s livelihood revolved around quick turnaround over a short period of time (For instance, someone mentioned a donut shop. I’ve worked in one, and the margins are low, most people buy their products over a short window in the mornings and the average time spent making a purchase is usually not more than a couple of minutes. As such, taking up a space for 20 minutes while shopping elsewhere could cost them multiple sales).

      1. Solokid*

        OP explained their situation and it is nothing like any of your scenarios. they bought more than a pack of gum. The lot was not half full. The devil has enough advocates.

        1. Anon on this*

          But who wants to have to hire someone to spend their time tracking who went where, for how long, assessing the proof, judging whether a purchase is legitimate or “good enough,” etc.

          The signs are in the lot to make you aware that you are parking in a private lot and thus subject to their rules, which are also posted.

          I have watched a lot of Parking Wars (love that show!), and I understand Business A’s position. They paid for the property, or to rent it, pay for insurance on the property, pay for the upkeep on the lot (or indirectly through their rent), and now in an apparently higher-volume parking neighborhood (must be, or little need for own parking lot and tow service), they need to have someone available to arbitrate and negotiate whose reasons are acceptable. And that would affect their contract with the tow company, as well — as in, yes, you should patrol our lot for offenders, but we might give the offender a pass, at will, and you’ll lose out on your job and profit.

          However, I also understand Ginger Cat Lady’s thought process and feelings, but that doesn’t make her right. It is an expensive lesson!

          1. GythaOgden*

            Thank you. In property management myself and there are a lot of things that go into dealing with parking concerns. There are rarely enough spaces for colleagues and customers/service users as it is, very few areas to expand parking (no local authority wants their town paved over to become an ocean of cars) and so if people start being belligerent about the rules the system falls apart for the legitimate users. 20 minutes might not feel like a long time but if there were other cars trying to get in, OP is using up a resource that others are paying to reserve for themselves.

            It’s like not taking up a table at lunchtime in a busy cafe with a laptop. Even if you purchase a large lunch, that doesn’t mean you’re going to be allowed to take up a table all afternoon. It’s become a problem, incidentally, because a lot of WFHers use cafes where in-person folks are trying to get a drink on the way to work, and walking in and seeing a large number of people engrossed in their laptops is disheartening in its own way.

            Being mindful and respectful of other people means balancing their needs against your own. We all here understand the nature of social justice, but in order to build a more just society it requires all of us to remember that other people have needs just like our own. Parking may not be something as hot an issue as race or gender, but making the world a better place sometimes involves forgoing our own needs in order to ensure others get equal time and space of their own, and this involves not hogging the available parking when someone else is paying for it to be available to others.

            1. Roland*

              Reframing OP’s situation – where the lot was not full, to be clear – as a social justice faux pas is just absolutely next level.

    9. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

      I’d return all the stuff and post about what happened on Yelp.

      This is ridiculously heavy-handed on the part of Store A.

      I think you were caught in a turf warm or Store A (or perhaps just the manager) is getting kickbacks from the company that booted your car.

    10. Solokid*

      return it all! Technically they were right, and technically you can return whatever you’d like (following their return policy of course).

      1. Rara Avis*

        Environmentally it makes a lot more sense to leave the car parked and use your feet if you’re visiting two (or more) stores in close proximity.

        1. Random Bystander*

          Agreed–environmentally, it makes far more sense to park once, shop two stores (especially since it sounds like Store A and Store B are neighbors).

          Technically, based on the signage, the manager of Store A was not wrong. Only on a technicality, though. From any other direction, it does not make sense to be that draconian with a parking lot that is nearly 75% *empty*. Especially if this is truly a small town, Manager A would be out of step with the community and Store A in that location is not going to be in business long.

          Customer service-wise (since Ginger Cat Lady *was* a customer who had spent a substantial amount in Store A), Manager is totally in the wrong.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          No, it’s not, but I’m not online 24/7 and I don’t see every comment.

          It’s also the weekend and I am not a robot.

          If a comment concerns you, please flag it.

    12. Alan*

      Yelp. This isn’t petty, this is providing other people information that they need to know to avoid the same situation themselves. And the store owner will appreciate your posting because it will increase the number of available spaces in his lot. (We have a store like this. They own the property the lot is on so they refuse to let anyone else park there. Their competitor, next door, with nicer people and a better product, has little parking but still manages to have a lot more customers than the people who own the lot. Go figure.)

    13. AnonForThis*

      This is so hard!

      I own a retail business in a super-popular, walkable commercial area with not nearly enough parking. We are lucky enough to have a parking lot attached to our building that is marked for our customers only.

      I never boot or tow folks who park in our lot (because of reactions like this), and I certainly wouldn’t boot someone who had been a customer at my store and popped over to another store. (The businesses in our district work together a lot, so it’s quite the opposite; we’re one of the lucky ones that has parking and we try to “share the wealth” by encouraging folks to shop the whole district.) But people park “illegally” in our lot all the time and it has a very significant impact on our business — even these small ways, like your 18 minutes. Potential customers’ fear of not being able to find parking is the biggest limitation in this district (according to research done by the local business district). 18 minutes is too long for another customer to wait to find parking; they’ll definitely give up before then.

      I’d also guess that the store didn’t call the tow company directly on you. It would be incredibly surprising if a company made it within 18 minutes! I imagine they have them do a sweep every 30/60/180 minutes (or whatever timing makes sense for them) and you just happened to have the bad luck to get caught up in it. (That is: the company rolls through the lot, they check with anyone who is currently in the store, and anyone who isn’t gets a boot.) Once the boot is on, someone has to pay to have it off — do you think the store should pay instead of you?

      So do I think the store behaved well? No. The best version of the kind of hospitality we try to offer would be to apologize and cover the cost for the boot removal. (But, to be honest, that would take a big punch out of the day’s sales at my store! I would offer to pay and would, frankly, hope that the customer would offer to split it our something.) But do they deserve anything other than a reconsideration of whether you’ll support them? No; it’s just the nature of retail in those charming walkable areas we all love so much.

  27. Peri bottles*

    Various people mentioned peri bottles in one of today’s work-questions threads, which I had never heard of. They seem like they would be helpful for personal female hygiene even if you haven’t just had a baby, but on amazon they are all advertised as being for postpartum use. Are they in fact useful as a bidet substitute regardless of your recent reproductive history? Or are they so awkward to use that you’d only use them if you really had to?

    1. Rain*

      Yep! We have a bidet at home, and I’m so used to it that I don’t feel clean without it. So when we travel, I bring an empty one to fill and use at our destination.

    2. Jules the First*

      Yes! I missed my bidet for years after moving to a place that doesn’t have them routinely. I got a peri bottle after my first kid and he’s now 3 but I’m still using the bottle. It’s not quite a bidet, but much better than nothing.

    3. Part time lab tech*

      A question I have wondering about for years but too uncomfortable to ask in person: In countries where you water wash your privates and can’t use toilet paper, do you just go around with damp privates? Or is there some secret way of drying off?

  28. Amory Blaine*

    This week’s book recommendation made me hungry, and I want to hear about everyone’s favorite sandwiches! Personally, I love salmon salad with pepperoncinis on multigrain bread.

    1. BellaStella (cat lady)*

      Toasted bread with mustard, sliced turkey, tomato slices and lettuce.

    2. Cookies For Breakfast*

      To make at home: poached chicken, sliced avocado and basil, seasoned with salt, pepper and olive oil. Adding mozzarella too now and then. It’s damn good on toasted ciabatta bread.

      To order out: if it has focaccia bread, I’ll probably go for it, especially if it involves aubergines and a smokey cheese.

      Or, a good salmon and cream cheese bagel always does it for me.

      1. BikeWalkBarb*

        I had a salmon cream cheese on pesto bagel with tomato and spinach today, from the bakery about 3/4 of a mile from my house. One of my favorites.

        1. Cookies For Breakfast*

          Look up the RecipeTin Eats recipe for poached chicken, that’s what I use. Perfect result with little effort every time :)

    3. BikeWalkBarb*

      Toast either sourdough from the bakery down the street or my homemade sourdough. Melt Cougar Gold cheese on one slice (search for it to buy through Washington State University’s Ferdinand’s creamery–it’s won awards in the world cheese competition for best aged white cheddar and it’s fantastic). On the other, stack up homemade hummus, pesto if I have it (sometimes homemade), tomato, lettuce or greens (I grow mixed salad greens so this time of year it’s great variety and arugula or spinach are extra good), maybe some sliced bell peppers (preferably red, orange, or yellow), and pickled red onions from a Mediterranean recipe I’ll add as a link. This makes juicy, tasty goodness.

      2. aspirational yogurt*

        10/10 can confirm Cougar Gold. DH had a wheel gifted as a tip for work he’d done. We had no idea about it and now seek it out.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      There’s a bakery near me that in the morning bakes bread and roasts a turkey breast, and in the afternoon sells sandwiches made of these plus lettuce, tomato, and mayo.

    5. Buni*

      Smoked ham, smoked cheese & mayo on brioche. It was our standard waiting-in-the-Proms-queue sandwich for years.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My favorite sandwich is McAllister Deli’s club sandwich without the spring mix. I think it’s their honey mustard sauce. At home I keep it simple, turkey and cheddar on wheat toast with mayo and yellow mustard.

      My bestie was supposed to be here this weekend but had car trouble and didn’t make it, my husband brought me that sandwich as a consolation prize. “Tonight the role of bestie will be played by a club sandwich with a side of potato salad.”

    9. Sage*

      #55 Gemini Rocks the House from Zingerman’s in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Fresh mozzarella, tomatoes, and pesto on grilled challah.

    10. Grits McGee*

      Our family makes low-key muffaletta sandwiches to freeze- ciabatta rolls, olive mix, ham, and provolone. Wrap in foil and freeze in a freezer bag. To heat, pop in the oven at 400 degrees for about 5-10 minutes, and savor the crispy/salty/oily/meaty goodness.

      (They’re low key because a real muffaletta has about twice as many varieties of meats and cheeses on it, and we are a recovering almond family.)

    11. Alex*

      This sounded super weird to me the first time I saw it but it is actually incredibly good. A coffee shop I used to go to a lot had it on the menu and once I tried it I got it all the time!
      It was a bagel with cream cheese, sliced havarti cheese, avocado, tomato, sprouts, and honey mustard. I don’t know who came up with this weird combo but clearly they are a genius.

    12. the cat's ass*

      roast beef, pepperocinis, shallots and cream cheese on a sourdough baguette. It’s amazing!

    13. Random Bystander*

      I love a good Reuben sandwich. Culver’s is probably my favorite, closely followed by McAlister’s. I love the flavor and the texture contrasts.

    14. goddessoftransitory*

      Mmmmm, a wealth of choices!

      I enjoy a good deli sandwich with mayo, just a scrape of mustard (otherwise it takes over the flavor) ham and turkey, Havarti cheese and fresh, crisp lettuce. Potato chips on the side.

      Hot sandwiches: grilled cheese. Toasty crisp buttered white bread with AMERICAN cheese (I don’t care if it’s gauche, it melts better than any other cheese and stays melted instead of turning to rubber) with fries on the side and ketchup to dip both into.

      If we’re getting into “is it a sandwich? ” territory I would say tacos.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Grilled cheese with American cheese is absolutely my hill to die on. My husband can turn up his nose at mine and make his own with four kinds of whatever nonsense he wants, I don’t care, GIVE MY MY GRILLED AMERICAN CHEESE SANDWICH.

    15. Brevity*

      On whatever bread you like, muenster cheese and fig preserves.

      Also, for years my husband enjoyed tuna salad on a toasted, buttered blueberry bagel. I still don’t understand…..

    16. carcinization*

      I don’t think I have a favorite, but I did just make a ham, cambozola, and fig jam sandwich in my home panini press that was really good!

    17. Forensic13*

      Crusty white bread, preferably homemade or sesame seed.
      Ham. Fig jam. Lettuce. Pickled onions.

    18. Wandering Hobbit*

      Not sure if this is my favourite or if it’s just because I’ve not had it in years since a local sandwich shop stopped doing it:

      Roasted sweet potato, sliced boiled eggs, grated cheddar with salt and vinegar crisps/chips on a white baguette doesn’t sound like it should work but so tasty

  29. Junior Dev (now mid level)*

    People who regularly attend hobby meetups (like at the same time every week or month or whatever): what do you do and how did you find out about it? What’s it like?

    There’s been some drama in the group I go running with and I want to try some different things because I do think I’ll miss having that regular social outlet. It doesn’t have to be exercise related.

    1. Beauty School Dropout*

      I cound my writer’s group on Meetup. They are usually a closed group and only open once in a while for new members, I just got really lucky. I sense that Meetup isn’t as big as it used to be, people might be doing FB groups now instead?

    2. BikeWalkBarb*

      I haven’t gone yet but I have two on my list to check out for knitting, one at a yarn shop and the other at a coffee shop that has a monthly handcrafting night. If you have another activity you enjoy that has some kind of dedicated local retail shop you could ask them if they have any hangout nights.

    3. ronda*

      for a craft hobby, they have a few groups regularly scheduled at my local craft store.

      I have seen some scheduled at libraries… check your local library meeting room schedule.

    4. KateM*

      I draw/paint. It’s in our local community centre and all groups there are advertised each September. Admittedly I am no artist, but we had just moved from big city to a sort of large village, and I wanted to become part of community, and other groups either didn’t work because of their hours or were scary like theatre. Sitting in a corner with an easel suits me better than acting in front of people!

    5. OtterB*

      I sing with a chorus that I found by a notice on the library bulletin board. That’s less useful than it used to be pre-pandemic. We’re recruiting now and most guests found us from a posting from a member on some listserv or FB group neighborhood, place of worship, etc. Fewer from physical notices.

    6. Try New Things!*

      I have joined a ballroom dance club that is so much fun! No prior experience necessary and you can go solo or with others. You can decide if you want to lead or follow. I have met nice people ranging from college students to long-since retired folks. I learned about it by doing a google search after watching Strictly Ballroom:).

      I have also joined a cribbage league (you do need a partner for this one). Again, such nice people! We all keep coming back so now I know a lot more people in my city.

      I also signed up for a few community ed exercise classes. The yoga class keeps attracting the same crew. And my latest is kickboxing which is through a community gym. It is the most racially diverse space I have been in and everyone is so nice. I am the oldest and least skilled in the class and yet people chat with me and encourage me—even the teenage boys.

      Good luck!

  30. English Rose*

    Toxic scent alternatives – thinking about the question earlier this week about whether chemical scent boosters are included in office fragrance bans.
    Thought it might be interesting to share people’s alternatives to various chemical nasties.
    I discovered an alternative to laundry softener which is easy and cheap:
    – 1.5 cups of Epsom Salts
    – 0.5 cup of baking soda
    – 20 drops natural oil scent (not chemical) I use lavender.
    Increase quantity by same proportion for big families. Mix well and store in an airtight glass jar.
    Sprinkle a scoop into the machine before you put the clothes in. You do still have to use some kind of laundry detergent, but there are increasingly ones on the market with fewer chemicals.

    Any other tips for chemical-free household chores?

    1. Beauty School Dropout*

      FWIW I think I’ve heard people say that even natural scents like lavender oil are still a no-go for scent free workplaces (migraine trigger I think?).

      1. RagingADHD*

        Yes, fragrance is fragrance. They aren’t using spectrometers to detect whether it’s natural or artificial. If there’s a fragrance ban, don’t show up to work smelly!

        Natural doesn’t mean universally harmless. Lots of natural things are poisons, irritants, allergens, or cause cancer.

      2. Rosyglasses*

        Right but English Rose says the conversation sparked her question, and it’s tips for chemical free – not scent free.

    2. Six Feldspar*

      I’ve been using a mix of about 1/3 vinegar and 2/3 water with a couple of drops of essential oils (as desired) mixed in a spray bottle. I use it to freshen up clothes (linen, wool and other materials/outerwear that doesn’t need a wash every time it’s used) and I spray it on bedsheets if I want to freshen them up without changing the sheets.

      Generally I hang the clothes up outside and give them a spray and let them dry in the fresh air/sunshine. Please learn from my mistakes and don’t let the spray get into your eyes…

      1. Girasol*

        Same thing without scent – 1 part vinegar, 2 parts water – to cut the soap scum and clean tub and shower. Works at least as well as spendy stinky cleaning products for much less and also less plastic waste.

    3. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Epsom salts are chemicals.
      Baking soda is a chemical.
      Any scent, natural or artificial, is a chemical.
      Water is a chemical.
      Your own body is made up of proteins, fats, minerals and lots of other chemicals.
      Every physical thing in this world is made of chemistry.
      Instilling a fear of “chemicals” is a marketing technique. Don’t fall for it.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        I saw a YouTube video about making bread and they said you can make bread without all those nasty chemicals they put in commercially baked bread. I looked at the ingredients and I thought “you mean, the vitamins? The vitamins that make the same flour you are using enriched?”

        Yep, there’s a lot of misunderstanding/misinformation about chemicals in food and other things. A little knowledge goes a long way.

        1. Glomarization, Esq.*

          I mean, what they’re referring to when they talk about “nasty chemicals” is probably the add-ons, don’t you think? Like mold inhibitors, or soya lecithin, or enzymes, all that dough conditioner and improver chemistry — anything beyond flour, salt, water. Stuff used in industrial processed bread rather than in home baking or artisanal baking.

          1. Peanut Hamper*

            You’re probably right, but a lot of dough conditioners are L-cysteine (an amino acid produced in our own bodies), fumaric acid (again, a substance our own bodies produce as part of the electron-transport chain), or ascorbic acid (good old Vitamin C). So nothing really scary. A lot of the improver chemistry is just good old enzymes. And if you like cheese or alcohol you’ve had your fair share of enzymes.

            I would be concerned about sulfites, though. But most people put luncheon meat on bread, and that already contains sulfites.

      2. Double A*

        Yes, and also lots of natural chemicals are very bad for you, so “natural” also also pure marketing.

        This being said, I understand wanting gentler and more recognizable chemicals to clean your house. If you can safely eat it then you can be pretty confident that it’s a safe cleaner.

        That said, I found the book “The Naturally Clean Home” by Karyn Siegel-Maier to be a great resource for these types of recipes. Yes, natural is a marketing word, but the book has recipes of the sort you’re looking for. They do use essential oils to scent things but you could skip that (although I rather enjoyed the scents and they’re pretty subtle if you’re just concerned about scents in your own home).

    4. Peanut Hamper*

      One of the reasons for fabric softener is to literally make fabric feel softer (aside from imparting a pleasant smell). What’s often not known is that some of that “hardness” comes from soap that isn’t fully rinsed out of your clothes.

      I use vinegar as a fabric softener. Since the soap is alkaline, and vinegar is acidic, it helps get the last little bit of soap out of your clothing and makes it softer. I just fill a Downy ball with it and throw it in at the beginning. Works like a charm, is cheap, and helps out with the ridiculously hard water we have around here.

      1. Isabel Archer*

        I’ve been using vinegar as a fabric softener for 10+ years and love it. Question: why a Downy ball instead of putting the vinegar in your fabric softener dispenser?

        1. Peanut Hamper*

          They’re leftover from the days when I used to use fabric softener. Also, I live in an apartment building, and it’s easier to just toss the ball on top of the laundry basket when I go down rather than carrying a gallon of vinegar.

      2. Lady Danbury*

        I pour a little vinegar into both the wash (with detergent) and fabric softener (on its own) receptacles in my washer. Love it!

      1. Lady Danbury*

        Also do this, for the items that I tumble dry. Most of my clothes gets hung instead.

    6. Square Root of Minus One*

      Pretty please, everyone reading, be more careful with essential oils. Or drop them entirely. If anything is needed in laundry, hydrolates are probably much safer.
      I’m not an expert on the matter so look it up, but I’m a chemist working in consumer products safety. There are danger symbols on the bottles, those things are not harmless. 20 drops is a LOT. It’s highly concentrated, can burn on contact and pose a pile of health problems, if not directly to you or your babies, the living things your wastewater will go to are likely to hate it just as much as the rest of the “chemical nasties”. As others sais, natural doesn’t mean harmless, not at all.
      It’s not even efficient. It’s oil, it doesn’t mix with water, and the only reason you keep a smell at all is because it is so damn potent at the start.

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        Plus, a lot of essential oils are toxic to cats at least. I don’t permit them in my home.

    7. Loreli*

      This is fabric softener AND perfumer. Clothes don’t need added scent in order to be soft.
      Scent is scent. Just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s not going to bother someone who is scent-sensitive.

      I was a guest at someone’s house who had put (natural) lavender on all her pillowcases. I couldn’t tolerate the smell. I had to put the pillow on the other side of the bedroom and use my rolled-up sweater as a pillow substitute.

  31. Ellis Bell*

    Is buying a food processor worth it? It seems like almost every recipe assumes you have one. I have a few ideas for what I might use one for, but wondering what people find them using one for the most in practice. Interested in any favourite brands and on knowing whether it makes a difference to sauces.

    1. Chop chop*

      Yes! I have a Cuisinart I bought maybe ten years ago. I usually use it only a couple of times a year when I get a hankering for borscht. The way it grates the veggies for me is invaluable. I don’t really enjoy cooking so anything that makes cooking easier is worth it to me, even if I only use it rarely.

      1. Manders*

        Yep, same for me. It’s not like I couldn’t function without mine, but whenever I use mine I’m glad I have it. For veggies, but also for grating a large amount of cheese. I also have a Cuisinart.

      2. Beauty School Dropout*

        I’d say whatever you buy, check reviews on ease of cleaning. I only have a blender and immersion blender but I rarely want to use them because they’re hard to clean.

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          It’s the cleaning, for sure. Food processors are like the kids who make you breakfast in bed, and then you see what they did to the kitchen.

        3. Indolent Libertine*

          Run your immersion blender in a cup of water (warm and/or soapy is extra good) right after you use it and it’s clean!

      3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yep, I don’t use mine (Hamilton Beach, also probably 8-10 years old) very often but when I do get it out, it’s because I need it. (I do also have a small, like maybe 2 cups one, that fits on the end of my stick blender and I do use that one a lot more frequently.)

        1. grumpy*

          Ooh! talk to me about the stick blender one. I use mine primarily for blitzing soaked chickpeas for falafel. Would the stick blender thing work for that?

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I think so? I am not familiar with the consistency of soaked chickpeas, I always use tinned, but it’s basically just a mini-chopper that sticks on the bottom of my stick blender. I use it for whizzing up fruit or mushrooms or hardboiled eggs or whatnot – I probably wouldn’t use it for like, chopping nuts or anything super hard, but I don’t eat nuts, so that may be me being overly cautious. Sorry if that’s not helpful at all!

    2. Meh*

      its very versatile if you get an option with different blades. We’ve used it for : pizza crust, pie crust, chopping garlic, shredding cheese or veggies, slicing veggies thinly, hummus, etc.

      If you don’t have the storage space, and already have a stick (immersion blender), you can get a small food processing attachment that works well for chopping small quantities quickly.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        I just finished making a pantry out of unused cupboard, so I actually have plenty of space!

    3. Shiara*

      I’m very glad to have my Cuisinart. I use it somewhere between weekly and monthly. In the last month or so I’ve used it for several batches of pesto, to pulverize graham crackers for pie crust, and to shred zucchini and summer squash for baking and/or freezing.

      1. Nola*

        We had a bumper crop of squash/zucchini last year and I was so happy I had my food processor to shred the almost 15 pounds of squash and zucchini for what ultimately became 20 loafs of quick breads.

    4. BRR*

      I’m an active cook and baker and I’m kind of torn on the food processor. I love the idea of it, but the two big downsides are cleaning it and that I don’t have the space to keep it on my counter. As others have said, cuisinart is a good brand. I say if you have the money and space it’s nice to have, but I would only rarely miss it if I had to get by without one.

    5. Lemonwhirl*

      The cleaning it is such a pain that I ended up not using it. I’d bought it to make bases for curries, and now I just use different recipes instead.

    6. Grits McGee*

      The only thing I can do with my food processor that I can’t with a another tool is make thick sauces and dips (hummus, pesto, etc) that don’t have enough liquid for my blender. I do think I would use it more for chopping vegetables if I had a dishwasher. I think my Cuisinart is 10 cups; it works well, but I wish I had invested in a bigger one so that I could do more dough-related tasks with it.

    7. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      I also have a cuisinart. It is hard to clean so I do not pull it out for small jobs. And I have all the blades but I generally feel that the slicer/grater attachments aren’t worth it as too much gets trapped on top of the blades. I have a mandoline slicer that works better.

      I have been using mine more frequently lately but the most frequent use is making hummus from scratch.

      I also batch cook a few things that are better if the veggies are chopped really fine. I add mirepoix to my meatloaf and it is so much faster to rough cut and sautee the veggies and then let them cool and run them through the food processor.

      Fresh salsa.

      Lately I have been baking more with dates as they are better for blood sugar control, and chopping dates is an adventure.

    8. Bethlam*

      I have an Oster, which I LOVE, and is 40 years old and still going strong. It got me through years and years of heavy use when I did a LOT of canning.

      Mostly use just the mixer now (mashed potatoes and lots of baking), though I’ll be getting out the grinder and slicer blades soon to put up some canned goods that we ran out of.

      Discovered Osters aren’t available anymore, but my husband saw one for sale at a really reasonable price on the local secondhand market, so now I have a backup.

    9. BikeWalkBarb*

      I’ve had my 14-cup Cuisinart since 1986 or thereabouts and it’s still going strong. I should note that my grandma owned it first, had used it a couple of times and didn’t need it, and asked if I minded getting a used appliance for my wedding. Of course not, Grandma, happy to have it! So it has a tiny bit more mileage than what I’ve put on it, and I use it pretty often. Sometimes it’s something I could do in the blender but the quantity or ingredients are easier to work with in the larger bowl diameter. I also have and use a mandoline, blender, immersion blender, and KitchenAid.

      – Homemade hummus, muhammara, pesto, faux Bitchin’ Sauce (I’ll put the link in a reply) other dips that requiring smashing fibrous things into a paste–much easier to scrape down the sides and get a good final product than inside the confines of my blender
      – Grating vegetables for slaw, zucchini bread, what-have-you (no bloody knuckles from using my grater)
      – Fast cutting if I need a lot of diced vegetables and I’m not picky about perfection or if they’re especially dense vegetables, like potato chunks, yams, or squash for soup (I broke my right wrist a couple of years ago and doing a lot of chopping leaves me sore after)
      – Using the soft mixing blade, great for a small batch of dough or batter that isn’t worth getting out the KitchenAid for; that’s usually more quantity than you’d do in a blender and the blender pitcher wouldn’t work as well as the processor bowl for getting all the ingredients together and scraping down
      – Chopping nuts if I need to do a quantity (have to watch so you don’t make nut butter you didn’t want)
      – Making cashew cream as a base for vegetarian cream soups and sauces

      I use my immersion blender for pureed soups but get tired of holding the button down and I definitely wouldn’t use it for things like batches of hummus. I don’t find any of these easier or harder to clean; I give them a rinse and put the parts in the dishwasher (not the KitchenAid attachments, before anyone leaps on this statement).

      1. BikeWalkBarb*

        This sauce is truly b*itchin’. It’s available commercially and I happened across it in a grocery store in Seattle, then had to track down a recipe to try to replicate it. https://www.thefauxmartha.com/bitchin-sauce/

        One more thought on the food processor vs blender: I find that with my blender it’s harder to stop at a point where I still have a semi-chunky texture if that’s what I’m after. The stuff closest to the blender blade gets absolutely pulverized, other stuff is flung to the outside and not getting the action. With the food processor I can see more clearly and have a better chance of stopping and redistributing. Stuff still gets flung but the visibility really helps. My blender has multiple settings of course but that still doesn’t seem to give me the same flexibility as the processor. And I just get tired of poking around in that relatively narrow space; my rubber scraper gets caught on the little blades. Thank you for the opportunity to vent about blender design.

    10. RagingADHD*

      I got one as a wedding present and rarely use it except at the holidays when I’m making a lot of pastry.

      OTOH, I use an immersion blender (stick blender) constantly, particularly for sauces or dips. Much easier to use and to clean.

    11. ronda*

      I dont have one and only occasionally want one….. for making wontons. need to grind shrimp for it. (and pork, but you can easily buy that ground)

      So I just skip making wontons :)

      So, how much do you want to make stuff requiring a food processor?

    12. Random Bystander*

      The one that I find most useful is the mini Cuisinart (one blade, but you push one button to push the blade one direction, another to go the other–chopping or grinding). All the parts go into the dishwasher, so clean up is pretty easy and it’s small enough to not be a counter-space hog.

    13. Chauncy Gardener*

      I finally gave my food processor (Cuisinart) away. I found it hard to use and clean. And TBH, I was a tad scared of it. lol
      I have a Vitamix and an immersion blender that I adore and are very easy to clean. I also have a small grinder that gets a lot of use.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I’m terrified of mine, and my mandolin. Both are like playground bullies just waiting for me to make eye contact.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          OMG, I am not the only person who is terrified of the food processor! Blender too.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          the mandolin, amen. I got one as a gift and I don’t think I took it out of the box for like six years before I finally took it to goodwill, never opened.

    14. captain5xa*

      I have a Cuisinart DLC-10 7-cup capacity that I bought 25 years ago. When I need it I use it and am glad I saved up to buy it. I have a place to store it so that’s a plus.

      I would buy it again if given the choice.

      Currently, I mainly use it when making homemade dog food. But in the past I’ve used it in bread making and grating foods for home fermenting.

    15. Clisby*

      It doesn’t seem worth it to me. Most recipes that I see that talk about a food processor could easily be adapted to a blender. (Shout out to my Breville!). I *think* food processors have dough hooks and the likes to help with making bread, but I don’t make bread. Except for the occasional batch of 2-ingredient biscuits. My husband makes pasta, but he does that by hand.

    17. Falling Diphthong*

      I have a blender, a full-size food processor, one of those wands you put into the soup to puree it, and a Cuisinart Food Processor Mini-Prep.

      The last gets by far the most use, and is what I gave each of my kids as they started cooking more. I use it to make a variety of sauces.

      Second most use is the wand, which I use when making a soup that needs to be pureed. It’s much easier than pouring back and forth into a large machine.

    18. KTinDC*

      I make pie crusts in mine. I resisted doing it for so long for I don’t know what stubborn reason, but now that I’ve done it that way I’ll never go back. Agreed with everyone else that I don’t use it often, but it’s worth it when I do.

    19. ThatOtherClare*

      If you do buy one, make sure you but a food processor with a lot of ‘grunt’, aka torque. Don’t waste your time with a blender, they’re weak, limp, flappy armed, pathetic little things that usually struggle even with a couple of ice cubes – despite whatever marketing spin they get slapped on them. A useful food processor should have enough torque to grind nuts into flour and crush ice with ease. You can always go softer and make banana smoothies in your food processor, but you can’t go beyond your upper limit.

      When you have a food processor that can do anything, it gives you the confidence to try out all sorts of random recipes on a whim. Macarons from scratch? Why not! Walnuts in your morning smoothie? Great idea! Bag of crushed ice for a twisted ankle? Can do! But if you don’t know whether your machine can do it you’ll give up and rarely, if ever, test things out. It will just sit on your kitchen bench like a giant annoying barnacle of shame and frustration gathering crumbs and dust between its little rubber feet. Trust me, I’ve been there.

      My other tip is to try and get one you can dismantle and put safely in the dishwasher, but that’s honestly less important than the torque.

    20. Jackalope*

      I use mine for grating and slicing stuff. There’s a winter salad that I love that’s made up of grated apples, carrots, and celery root*. It takes forever to grate all of those by hand and the celery root in particular is tough. I got a food processor just for that recipe, and then learned all of the other things I could do with it! My big thing is whether I’m making enough that it will take less time to chop/grate by hand, or less time to wash the food processor, and I decide accordingly. Small recipe with nothing chopped but an onion? Do it by hand. Making a huge batch of scalloped potatoes and several of them need to be sliced? Food processor all the way.

      *For anyone who is curious, the salad recipe is: roughly equal parts grated apples, grated carrots, and grated celery root (I think also referred to as celeriac?), sauce roughly equal parts plain yogurt, sour cream, and mayonnaise. It might sound odd, but it’s filling, light, and the apples give it a touch of sweetness. You grate the solids and mix them up well and then add the other three ingredients for the sauce in a quantity enough that it will be about as much sauce as the mayonnaise in tuna salad or egg salad. (This is true however you like your tuna or egg salad; if you add more mayo you’ll probably like this a bit saucier and vice versa.)

    21. Nightengale*

      I use mine to. . . make hummus and felafel. Make a banana puree thing that I freeze when I have overripe bananas. Make a dried fruit and nut thing sort of like a larabar. Chop nuts for recipes that need a lot of finely chopped nuts. I have a mini and use it less than once a week. And I find it a pain to clean. But the things I use it for are really not things I could do by hand.

  32. Pocket Mouse*

    What are things to do that are easier with a toddler than with a slightly older kid? Does such an outing/activity exist?

    I have a toddler now, and in retrospect, there are things would have been much easier to do with a baby than a very mobile toddler (that I didn’t do because it seemed hard enough at the time) – things like going to museums, having a picnic, going to restaurants/cafes, etc. Now I’m looking for things I shouldn’t miss out on in the toddler phase because they’re easier now than they will be down the line. Like right now I can carry them in a hiking carrier, but they might get too heavy for that soon… but then at some point they’ll be able to manage the hike walking on their own?

    Some details about our current situation: kiddo is in diapers, rarely follows verbal directions, is constantly walking/wandering around and touching things, doesn’t love being in a stroller, has a hard time getting a good nap while out and about, and is our only kid and will not have a sibling anytime soon (if ever). We live in a city with good public transportation and lots of cultural things to do; we don’t have a car, but can rent one occasionally. The region, including natural areas nearby, has poison ivy and tick-borne disease.

    1. chocolate muffins*

      Current parent of a toddler here so I have no idea what is easy or difficult with older kids, but one thing I’ve been trying to enjoy is being able to be out and about in places that are far away from bathrooms. This seems like it would be harder to do during the potty training stage.

      I also love toddler activities – like, we go to the park pretty much every weekend and go down the slide together and I push him on the swings and sometimes we play in the sandbox, and all that stuff is fun for me, not just something I’m doing for my kid but can’t wait to be done with. I know he won’t want to do that with me forever so I am trying to enjoy it extra now.

      1. Washi*

        Agree, my son is recently 2 and has already started refusing the hiking backpack so that’s out, but we go to a lot of lake/river beaches and farms that have toys and animals but maybe no bathrooms or limited bathrooms and I’m enjoying that we don’t have to find a toilet.

      2. Pocket Mouse*

        If it helps any, there are portable toddler potties- look up the Kalencom Potette for an example! Another thing to carry, but may mitigate the specific challenge you’re anticipating. :)

    2. Double A*

      I find doing almost everything to be easier with older kids (like, 3 and older). It sounds to me like you are in the absolute peak difficult to do things phase. I just say this because I don’t think there’s anything at this phase you’ll wish you had done now. Maybe hiking if your kid is okay on the carrier and you want to carry them.

      1. allathian*

        Yes, this. That said, it depends a lot on the kid. Until our son was about 5 years old, he’d invariably fall asleep as soon as we got him in the car, regardless of the length of the trip. So we never experienced the cranky kid in the car, although sometimes it was difficult to get him to sleep again when we got home. But until he stopped doing that, the longest trips we took were about 2 hours.

        Our son loved indoor playgrounds so much that we had a season ticket until he was 11 and Covid shut our local playground down for nearly a year, when they reopened he said he’d grown out of it. The first time he went, he was about 18 months old. Oh the joy when he was allowed on the big kids’ slide for the first time. It helped that both my husband and I are morning people (as are most young kids), so we’d go as soon as it opened and before the crowds showed up.

    3. Morning Reading*

      Used to be some things were free or lower cost for low ages. Like you can fly under 2 for free, restaurants where under 5 eats free, etc. I don’t think any of that is easier (may in fact be harder) but it could be cheaper at least. Local swimming options? The all you can eat buffet restaurant?

    4. Rara Avis*

      We like to hike. During the too heavy to carry/ too small to walk far, we mostly stuck to a flat out and back trail. If we misjudged the turn-around time, we did sometimes end up carrying the kid AND their scooter …

    5. Nola*

      I … don’t think there is anything that’s easier to do with a toddler. From about 15 mos to about 4 years my two kids were kind of impossible. There was tons of fun stuff we could do – the children’s museum, picnics, the playground – that we couldn’t when they were babies. But it wasn’t easier. Especially compared to doing those things when they were slightly older. And there were things we could do with them when they were babies that we had to pause during the toddler years because the meltdowns were not worth it. Long car rides and hiking were two of those things. Too much time in a car seat, stroller, or carrier and they’d just become wailing monsters who’d make themselves over tired and therefore immune to naps/sleep.

      I never even attempted a non-children’s museum because I knew they wouldn’t make it more than half an hour before they’d get bored and start trying to grab the artifacts.

      Once they got a little older we could do tons more and it was fun. Not necessarily easy but far, far better than during the toddler years.

    6. Washi*

      In case this is somewhat of an ask for fun things to do at this age, I will say that biking with my toddler has been so much fun. Started with a front mounted seat (yepp mini) which he is about to outgrow (plus I’m pregnant now with no stamina) and recently switched to an ebike with a rear seat. We bike year round in northern new england and it makes boring stuff like running errands an absolute blast.

      1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

        Oh yes, seconding biking it at all possible in your area!
        My kid loved being up at height to look at things, watching places, people, and cars, and it was easy to stop for breaks or things we wanted to take a closer look at.
        We went around both in our city and the surrounding countryside and the only real difference was having more food and drink on us when out of the city.

    7. Bibliovore*

      If you can find a copy, this will be a great resource- The Pleasure of Their Company: How to Have More Fun With Your Children by the Bank Street College of Education

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      I don’t think there’s anything that’s reliably easier with a toddler than with older kids. (Like, sometimes your 3 year old is easygoing and then they become a very drama prone seven-year old.)

      Do you have any sort of children’s museum near you? Or other museum/garden/etc with a children’s area? These are nice for giving them a chance to explore new things, in a venue where other people are alert for roaming toddlers.

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      I think nothing is easier with toddlers because of where they are developmentally. They are mobile, but below the age of reason. (That is, they get much closer to adult logic right around their fourth birthday.)

    10. Bob Howard*

      My child is grown up. Cherish the years when (1) you can go into a toy shop alone and be certain of finding someting that will put a smile on their face. (2) A hug from a parent will solve most problems.
      Those times will be behind you faster than you realise.

      1. Voldemort’s cousin*

        Yes, that’s just what I was thinking. It’s easier to bring joy into their lives. I can’t imagine my toddler being a teenager, although that day will come, and it will break my heart a bit when she doesn’t like me when she’s such an affectionate ball of sunshine right now.

        1. allathian*

          As much as I’ve loved my child at every stage, I find that being the parent of a teenager really is the best.

          Granted, I got lucky in the sense that our son has a fairly easy temperament and seems mature for his age in the sense that he isn’t looking for cheap thrills and he seems pretty immune to peer pressure. I’m sure being an introvert helps, as does being an only child, he learned very early to entertain himself and if others don’t want to hang out with him, he seems to shrug it off. That said, he got a scholarship last spring for being the most helpful and socially engaged kid in his class, so he’s popular with his peers.

          I adore being able to talk about things like world events with him.

          Both my husband and I enjoy reading, and now that he’s older, I’ve really enjoyed sharing some of my favorite books with him. At least the sci-fi and fantasy ones, so far he hasn’t shown any interest in crime fiction. My parents never censored my reading when I was a kid, and any book on our bookshelf that he wants to read, he can. I’ve also enjoyed sharing some of my favorite TV shows with him.

          I love the fact that he’s fully responsible for his own personal hygiene.

          When my son was 4, I dreaded the idea of being the mom of a teenager. But the good thing with kids is that changes rarely happen overnight, and you’ll get used to the idea as your child grows and matures.

    11. Jackalope*

      I don’t know that this is easier per se, but I really enjoyed going to the children’s museum with toddlers. Older kids are fun too, but I love the wonder that toddlers have at everything there, and they often will just pick one or two things and get wholly immersed, rather than dragging me through the whole museum. Again, both can be good, but I liked them with toddlers best.

  33. anon24*

    Recommendations for buying eyeglasses online?

    It’s been 2 years since I’ve gotten my prescription updated and I really need a new one. But I have astigmatism and work night shift in a job where I drive frequently and also am on the computer a lot, so I need high quality anti-glare and a blue light filter that isn’t overly tinted. In the past my glasses always cost over $400 even with inexpensive frames, just because my lenses are so expensive. I got my last pair for free because I was working part time for an eyeglass store, and as tempting as it is to get another part time job for long enough to get the free glasses perks, I’m already a college student and working 60+ hours a week just to survive. My vision insurance will cover my eye exam but does not cover near enough to make a new pair of glasses affordable.

    I’ve seen that you can get glasses far cheaper online, but some of the websites I’ve looked at seem either scammy or like the quality would be awful. So does anyone have any recommendations pro or con for any eyeglass sites?

    1. Beauty School Dropout*

      you don’t happen to have a Costco membership right? I’ve had multiple people recently rave about the prices and quality of getting glasses there.

      1. Chaordic*

        I’ve had very good luck with my local Costco. TBH the selection of frames and various kinds of lenses isn’t quite as good as at the optical center that my insurance approves, but I didn’t have a problem finding attractive frames there. I got my regular eyeglasses at the optical center that insurance covered, and even with insurance my co-pay was approximately $300.00. The insurance-approved optical center would charge an extra $500 each for either a second pair of computer glasses or a pair of prescription sunglasses. Then I went to Costco and ordered the computer prescription (because I’m on a computer all day at work), as well as prescription sunglasses. The computer glasses and the sunglasses together cost less than $300.00 at Costco and I paid for them out of pocket.

    2. Hey, leaves aer separate in the trees!*

      I’ve used Zenni and am very happy with them. I have progressives, and they got them exactly right. I would recommend having a professional measure your P.D. But if you’ve worked at an optical shop, perhaps you can do a good job at that yourself.

      I have a friend who uses eyebuydirect. She is happy with hers, too.

      1. heckofabecca*

        I have a very strong prescription (about -10) plus an astigmatism in one eye. I’ve been very happy with my glasses from Zenni! I’m on my second pair from them—I got the same style twice (164124, Green Oval Glasses). My first pair had the anti-glare as well as the blue light protection, and they cost around $100. My newer ones (because of stronger script) were closer to $110 with anti-glare but no blue light protection.

        I used my first pair full-time for 2-3 years, and the only thing that wasn’t great by the time I needed new ones was that there was a small but visible chip on the frame over one eye.

    3. glasses*

      I’ve used zenni and warby parker – the benefit of warby parker is, even though it’s more expensive, you can have pairs sent to your house (sans lens) to try on to see the fit on your face. The one real thing you need to know is the distance between your pupils.

      I recommend either site and warby (at least, i haven’t done zenni in a while so im not sure they do this) can get you a refund from your insurance once you get the pair

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I haven’t gotten refunds from my eye insurance from Zenni, but I do refund myself for my glasses from my HSA.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’ve been getting all my glasses from Zenni Optical online for years with no issues. I pick one of the $6 frames, and with my lens strength plus transitions, I end up paying about $40 I think. I’ll be honest, some of the frames start to get a little loose in the hinges after a year or so, but at $40 a year, I just get new ones. I think my current ones are actually almost two years old now, and they’re probably about due for a replacement.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        They also do a 10% student discount, if you verify through id.me. (also good for medical folks, teachers, first responders.)

        1. anon24*

          I’ll have to look into them! I’m also an EMT full-time (hence why I need glasses good for night driving and computer screens), so I love places that do id.me discounts! For that price if they start getting loose in a year I can try to fix them and if it doesn’t work it’s still cheaper to replace every year.

    5. Alex*

      I’ve used Zenni with success, and I also have a complex prescription that is usually well over $400, lenses only. At first I used them just for “backup” glasses and sunglasses, not my everyday ones (I’m the kind of person who takes my glasses off only after I’ve gotten into bed and puts them on before I get out of bed.) I showed them to a reputable optometrist and he checked how accurate the prescription was–he was very skeptical at first but admitted that they were spot-on.
      I will say that I used my pupil measurement that was taken by an optometrist, I didn’t measure myself. If you can get that number from your previous optometrist I would do that rather than trying to measure it yourself.

      Definitely pay attention to the size of the frame you buy–make sure to measure what you currently wear to compare to the measurements on whatever frame you choose. One thing I find so frustrating about frames is that they don’t come in different sizes! One style is a size small, the other is a size large, etc. Why isn’t it like clothes where they make the same product in a bunch of different sizes??

    6. Healthcare Worker*

      My daughter-in-law has had great success with Warby Parker. My prescription is more complex and I’m uncertain about trying an online service. Following to hear others opinions.

    7. RagingADHD*

      I have not had good experiences getting a complex prescription like astigmatism online. Cheap lenses tend to have less precise focal centers, for example, which are not necessarily a problem with a simple prescription for readers but will give you headaches or double vision with astigmatism.

      Seconding the Costco recommendation, if you can make it work. The standard anti-glare coating is included, and the blue light / AR combined coating is not very expensive.

    8. Roland*

      I love Warby Parker. They have some method of trying to measure PD for you from photos, but ideally just ask to have it measured wherever you get your exam, even though it’s not usually something they’ll do if you don’t ask.

    9. Slightly Less Evil Bunny*

      I have really bad eyesight and I’m also at the point where I need progressive lenses. I wish I could buy from Zenni but they’re unable to handle my prescription. I have been able to get glasses from EyeByeDirect and I’m pretty pleased with the quality. I’ll definitely buy from them again.

      I would say, do some initial research into popular online providers and see if any are capable of handling your particular prescription. For the places that can, drill down further into reviews, frame and lens options, etc. It’s tough to get all excited about a frame offered by a provider only to find out they can’t make the lenses you need.

      Oh, and depending on your prescription, take any advertised prices with a grain of salt. With EyeByeDirect, when all was said and done the $35 frames I picked out wound up costing $200+ once the cost of the lenses was added. Still a far cry from the ~$900 my glasses typically cost from a local chain provider, but not a drop in the bucket either.

    10. Voluptuousfire*

      or what you can do is is go to Zeno optical and buy the frames you like without Rx lenses and take them to Costco and get the exam and lenses put in there.

      I’ve ordered frames from Zenni and had the lenses put in at the local optician shop. Granted they could be a little pissy about it, but depends on what the cost is. It may be worth it with your prescription.

  34. Dr. Doll*

    i am soooo tired of thinking about food and cooking it and dealing with it. why does DH want dinner EVERY night, lolsob!?

    suggestions for super easy things that I can say “we’re having this” when DH doesn’t know what he wants?

    please no deflection onto why this is my problem and not his.

    1. RagingADHD*

      Subscribe to the free weekly dinner plan The Prep from eatingwell dot com. Most of the recipes take about 20 minutes. I think you can find the past issues as blog posts on the site.

      If it is your problem, why be a short order cook? Follow a plan.

    2. Generic Name*

      Cereal
      Cheese and crackers
      Sandwiches
      Ramen
      Box Mac and cheese
      Spaghetti and jarred sauce

      I assume your husband wouldn’t dare complain about what you fix when he demands you feed him but won’t come up with ideas (that you then execute and never him?). I’m not going to ask why this is your problem and not his, but you don’t have to allow it to be your problem. What if on the nights where he won’t cook and also won’t help with ideas you say, “well, since you can’t decide what you want, I’m having a bowl of cereal. Help yourself to whatever you want in the fridge.”

      1. Sloanicota*

        Cereal for dinner is truly a joy sometimes. I also used to do a fried egg. I just like breakfast for dinner I guess.

        2. Clisby*

          Oh, gosh, yes. Bacon with over-easy eggs, scrambled eggs with sausage and cheese mixed in, egg-in-nest (this is where you cut a hole in a regular piece of bread, start frying it in butter, break an egg into the hole, flip with the bottom side has browned, and cook the other side. Breakfast for dinner is great. Especially since I love eggs and bacon, and just cannot stand the idea of eating them in the morning. (My morning calories come from coffee, tomato juice, and Ensure.)

    3. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

      We use a meal planning service. They tell us what’s for dinner and generate a shopping list.

      So each night, it’s not like a choice or question about “what do you want for dinner?” We already know. Neither of us want to think about or make this decision, so outsourcing it to the meal planning service has been great.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I do think meal planning even without a service may help OP here. Would it be easier to just calendar out the dinner of the week in one sitting, and that’s “what’s for dinner” versus having to try and decide in the moment? Plus it gave the spouse a prior opportunity for veto or they can request to switch up the order or something. Feel free to go real basic though, like rotating in four or five options with minor variations. I wish I had the discipline to do something like this because it would let me buy and reuse ingredients more smartly (like, Monday’s chicken becomes Tuesday’s broth becomes Wednesday’s risotto).

    4. Sloanicota*

      My personal stance is, if I’m not particularly hungry or nothing sounds particularly good (a frequent issue for me), that is the time to go for maximum healthy – a simple salad or fruit salad. I’m not hungry anyway, right, so might as well eat some greens. If salad is the whole meal I give myself permission to do goat cheese and whatever dressing I want – a pre-cooked rotisserie chicken is also good to have on hand for this. If I was responsible for feeding someone and they couldn’t give me any direction, it would be salad until they weigh in on something they prefer.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Also, I realize this is not an option for people with kids or people who do physical labor or whatever, but I honestly do not often eat a real proper sit down meal for dinner and I think that’s … fine? My body chemistry is such that I’m not as hungry in the evening. Sometimes it’s “toddler meals” like crackers and cheese, baby carrots, air pop popcorn and a beer (ok that last one is not toddler food lol). It might be snacking over a longer stretch of time, like 5-8 the cheese plate is out. Not the healthiest maybe (see why I have to cram in the veggies) but with portion control it’s not the worst either, and I do try to buy whole-wheat crackers.

        1. Peanut Hamper*

          I’m in the same boat. I literally am done eating by about 3 or 4 in the afternoon. Sometimes I might have a few olives or a couple of slices of pepperoni right out of the package in the evening and that’s about it.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Omelets. Sandwiches, either cold or like, grilled cheese or BLTs. Spaghetti. Bagged salad topped with some pulled-apart rotisserie chicken. Birds Eye brand does a variety of frozen one-dish meals with pasta, veggies and protein – garlic chicken pasta is my favorite, they also have some that are sort of asian-inspired with noodles. (And if you like that second thing, PF Chang has some really good frozen heat-and-eat meals too, their lo mein is quite tasty for frozen.) Assorted meat/cheese/crackers/pickles plate. Bratwurst sausages on buns.

      If you’re inclined to do some prep ahead –
      Get a big pork shoulder and huck it in a crockpot for a day with a bottle of bbq sauce, then shred it up and split it into freezer bags and freeze it – then with the pulled pork, you can do tacos or nachos, sandwiches, put it on a serving of instant mashed potatoes or with beans-and-rice.
      You can do the same thing with a pile of chicken parts and either the bbq sauce or a jar of bean-and-corn salsa, cook it up and shred it and parcel it out for the freezer.
      Make a big batch of meat loaf and freeze it in patties like hamburgers.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        (But I will say, our struggles around dinnertime mostly evaporated when I said “look, I do all the cooking and shopping, and I need more from you than “food” when I ask for help with the meal planning, so you need to make our dinner menus and I will cook whatever you put on there.” Now he does, and I do, and the power struggle and frustration around it is GONE.)

    6. WellRed*

      Last week I made a pound of taco beef and rice a roni Mexican rice. Froze half the beef in single servings and still had plenty for three days of meals (throw on salsa, guacamole, whatever). This week I will be precooked shredded chicken at grocery store and make small batch stir fry )buy frozen veg or fresh cut at supermarket) with spicy sauce and microwave minute rice. Or fajitas, same idea, different sauce plus tortillas.

    7. Turtles, all the way down.*

      I feel you. Meal planning is my solution. Stop asking what he wants- if I heard ‘I don’t know’ one more time I was going to go insane, and I like cooking. We made a very short list of meals we’d be happy to eat most of the time- bonus points if it’s freezable or still nice as leftovers. Take a little time to cook a stash of the freezable ones and make at least one a week that can also be leftovers a night or two later. We jazz it up a little by having a different salad or soup side so it’s not all same-y. Our picks were a pasta dish and a curry for freezing, and then some kind of taco/burrito filling that can be used for 2 meals and substantial sandwiches (like egg or tuna salad etc). We eat out once a week also, but this way I’m not cooking every damn day for an indecisive hangry person and partner is capable of reheating and/or assembling if I’m working late.

    8. Lemonwhirl*

      I like stuff that I can make once and then use different ways.

      So on a Sunday, I might make a huge batch of pico de gallo and guacamole. That can set me up for 3-4 days of dinners

      Toasted cheese with chips and guac
      Heuvos rancheros
      A Mexican-inspired pasta or rice with the left over pico and beans
      Avocado/guacamole toast

    9. Fellow Traveller*

      For us the answer for “we didn’t plan, now what???” Is usually one of the following:
      -eggs
      -dumplings and green beans
      – snack dinner
      -leftovers
      – box mac n cheese
      -tortellini with red sauce
      -quesadillas
      – sandwiches with cut up veggies
      Caveat, we have kids, so these do lean towards what they will eat. Also we have a “food is fuel” kind of attitude and figure that even if it’s not what we’re cravimg, just eat it.

      1. Clisby*

        At least once a week, we have “every man for himself” – heat up leftovers, break out the bacon and eggs, make a quesadilla or cheese toast, whatever. Not my problem.

    10. Cardboard Marmalade*

      Lately my go-to for when I’m in emergency-hungry mode is sesame peanut noodles with broccoli. I was and chop the broccoli while the water is coming up to boil; use literally whatever random pasta I have on hand and steam the broccoli in a sieve over the pasta as it cooks. While that’s happening I blitz some garlic, ginger, soy sauce, rice vinegar, honey, sesame oil, and peanut butter together in my little food processor (you can whisk it by hand if you grate the garlic and ginger fine). There are recipes out there that will give you actual measurements, but honestly I just do a healthy dollop of each and adjust to my own taste. Drain broccoli and pasta, throw in a bowl and toss with the sauce, and that’s it, you’re eating in about 15 minutes. Make extra because it’s good cold the next day.

      1. Clisby*

        One of my fallbacks is fettucine Alfredo (I pretty much always have the ingredients for this, since … it’s real simple) and add in things like a little extra chicken or ham, some mushrooms, etc.

    11. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Stop asking him what he wants. He puts in zero effort, he gets no say.
      Buy a stack of frozen meals at Costco and do those 1-2 times a week to ease the pressure on you. Or get takeout those nights. If he complains, invite him to step up and contribute.

      1. KateM*

        Haha! We have a stack of frozen meals, too, plus a stack of not-frozen-but-refrigerated meals. And then as I described in a comment that seems not to have gone through, we have a stack of refrigerated home-cooked meals – those must be the first to go.

    12. no name right now*

      Like some of the others have said, don’t ask. Plan ahead a little and have things on hand for simple meals. If he gets tired of what you have planned or wants something specific, he will quite likely let you know.

    13. Peanut Hamper*

      Is he good with leftovers? Sometimes I find it helpful to make more of something I especially like and freeze the extra with my vacuum sealer. On days I don’t feel like cooking, or need a quick breakfast, I’m all set.

      Also, with enough different leftovers in the freezer, everyone can have something different.

      1. Clisby*

        I do this a lot since my 2 kids are out of the house. I’m in the habit of cooking for 4 instead of two, so I often cook what I’m used to and freeze half of it.

        1. Peanut Hamper*

          Same. I used to cook for two teenage boys, so I’m used to cooking loads of food. I’ve been on my own for years, and still cannot figure out how to make less than a gallon of chili at a time. Fortunately it freezes well.

    14. Sitting Pretty*

      During 2020-21 when everyone was home all the time and we had to somehow come up with three meals a day every single day with whatever we had on hand, my eventual solution was to just have like 6 go-to meals. And that was it. There could be a little variety if we had the capacity, but it became pretty routine.

      Monday was chicken panang. Tuesday mac n cheese. Wednesday pizza. Thursday chicken tacos in the crock pot. Friday salmon with rice. Saturday one-pot Italian chicken pasta.

      We’ve kept this meal rotation now for like 4 years. It’s a lot looser now that evening activities are back on and there’s a lot more variation in our days. But this menu of 6 items is our foundation.

      If I feel like branching out, or if someone wants to try a new recipe, then sure, let’s go for it! But in terms of shopping and prepping, I keep ingredients for these 6 things on hand. The grocery list is so much easier. The scheduling for meal prep is more straightforward. I can make all of them in my sleep. So for reclaiming some real estate in your brain (and reducing the emotional labor of being the family meal-manager) I highly recommend choosing together your 5-6 go-tos you both enjoy, and just create a simpler routine around them.

      1. Clisby*

        We did something like this during the pandemic, except that breakfast involved me making sure we had bacon, eggs, bread, cheese, and pop-tarts on hand. I don’t eat breakfast, so anybody who wanted it had to step up. (Granted, I had no toddlers. I had a husband who could work from home, and a kid about to graduate high school. They both know how to cook.) Lunch was pretty much the same, except it was open season on leftovers from the previous night. I (retired) cooked during the week, my husband cooked on weekends. Teenager survived on this and lots of ramen.

    15. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      Nachos/tacos/burritos/quesadillas – pretty much any kind of meat and beans can be used.
      Stirfry – if you are shopping for meals on the fly you can even buy precut meat and veggies at most groceries if you really need to cut time. You can buy or make stirfry sauce pretty quickly.
      Quick soups – white chicken chili, sausage lentil. Many soups can be really quick using canned beans, canned chicken or quick saute of ground meat. Or zhuzh up canned soups with a few fresh ingredients.

      Keep a list of meals on hand that you find easy to prep and when the decision is difficult just go to the next one on the list.

      I’m a big fan of pre-planning, but I also get stuck and I have a couple websites that have reliable recipes and if I can’t come up with something I default to what they say to make just to take decision fatigue out of it.

      My mother in law had a 1 week menu rotation, rarely any variety. The good part was she could shop without making a list. I can’t go that low, but I do have a preplanned 4 week rotation that I use as a template. I vary things a lot but if I am just too fatigued to decide it is right there.

    16. Vanessa*

      Trader Joe’s has some great freezer items. Gorgonzola gnocchi. Sautéed mushrooms. Nan.
      Many are able to pop in the micro.

    17. samwise*

      Not going to ask why.
      But if he’s physically and mentally capable, I do think he should be in charge of dinner at least one day a week. We also have a “fend for yourself” day. Maybe I will cook that day or maybe I’ll have a pbj.

    18. BikeWalkBarb*

      My husband is now diabetic so he’s prepping his own food. I have your dilemma but I’m the one who needs to eat without knowing what I want. Whatever I make, I do in enough quantity that it isn’t just one night’s meal. I don’t care too much about variety. Giving up on my mom’s idea that dinner had to have at least two vegetables of different colors is an important element in my equation. I’ll also eat anything at any meal: breakfast for dinner and dinner for breakfast are equally valid.

      Some of my options:

      I make great big batches of soup and freeze them in portion-sized containers. These are handy for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. If you have the room to do a couple of different kinds so you can rotate for variety, so much the better. Soup, bread and salad is dinner.

      I’m a vegetarian. I like the Tofurkey or Field Roast Italian “sausages”. I slice and fry a couple of those, put them in a dish with some ketchup, and that’s dinner.

      Bag of frozen edamame microwaved with some salt on it. If you get the ones in the shells it takes a while to eat them and they’re pretty filling. If you go for the value-per-ounce option they’re already shelled but it’s not as fun.

      I regularly make a batch of Syracuse salt potatoes and keep them in the fridge. I often top them with a couple of eggs, maybe some pesto or chimichurri, and that can be any meal of the day. Or I saute mushrooms, greens, maybe some onions or bell pepper, and put that on top of the potatoes with or without the eggs.

      Waffles! They’re a treat. You can make a batch ahead and freeze or mix up batter pretty quickly.

      Keep a couple of Trader Joe’s frozen somethings on hand. I like their porcini and truffle raviolis. They boil in about 5 minutes; put some pesto or jarred spaghetti sauce or something else on top.

      Snack dinners are great. Carrots with hummus, crackers and cheese, other little noshes.

      Yogurt and fruit or berries with almonds or another nut, maybe some granola. Again, this is “breakfast food” but why shouldn’t it be good for dinner?

      When all else fails, “Honey, do you want to bike down to the food trucks?” usually works for me. If you can put a date night outing into the rotation even at low cost that gets rid of some of the dailiness of it all.

      1. BikeWalkBarb*

        Recipe for Syracuse salt potatoes: https://hostthetoast.com/syracuse-salt-potatoes/. I’ve eaten potatoes all my life and honestly, these are amazing. They have this creamy texture. Better than baked potatoes and you can top them all the same ways you would those. I don’t do the butter step at the end of their recipe; I just stick them in the fridge and then decide how I want to flavor them. Sometimes I slice them and fry them for a change of pace–fast “French fries”, sort of.

        One more thing I keep on hand: This recipe for having a big batch of bran muffin batter https://biketoworkbarb.blogspot.com/2024/07/classic-all-branbran-buds-muffin-recipe.html. They bake in 18 minutes and they’re good with peanut butter and maple syrup, butter, butter with anything. If you’re a meat eater you could have these with some kind of breakfast-y meat (sausages, bacon, ham slice) and/or an egg. Having the batter made ahead is the key–no time needed to mix everything up and then wait for them to bake.

        Keep frozen pizzas on hand too. Pizza night is a treat.

        I refer a lot to having frozen food on hand and this requires some space. I grew up with this and have the room to have a full-sized freezer in the garage along with our old refrigerator. This isn’t everyone’s situation. But it sounds like using your freezer space for prepared meals rather than ingredients might be helpful. You don’t want to cook every night so do one batch of cooking like soup or lasagne, portion it and stick it in the freezer.

    19. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Can you think of a few things that you would be happy to eat frequently? Ideally that would be something that doesn’t require a trip to the grocery store, but uses pantry ingredients (like pasta and canned vegetables) or staples like eggs, onions, and potatoes.

      If so, make a list, and the answer to “what are we having?” can be whichever of those things has reached the top of the list. Then move that item to the bottom of the list, so you don’t have the same thing three days in a row.

      When I’m only feeding myself, one of my guidelines is that I don’t need “a meal,” I just need food. I can have a banana now, and then a baked sweet potato or some leftover beans an hour later.

    20. I strive to Excel*

      Theme night. Friday night is pasta night. What kind? Who knows! But unless you get specific input otherwise, Friday will be spaghetti and meatballs. Pick a theme for each night of the week. Saturday can be dealer’s choice.

      Some suggestions:
      * Cultures – Mexican, Italian, Chinese, etc – pick 1-2 recipes from each
      * Proteins – chicken breasts, tofu, ground beef
      * Classic meals – how many different variations of lasagna/pot roast/instapot meals are there? Who knows?

    21. KateM*

      I boil a lot of potatoes and carrots for sides. We also have tomatoes and cucumbers and green onion and so on which everyone can cut for salad as their hearts desire. Plus mayonnaise and ketchup and other bottled sauces.

      Then I prepare different kinds of meat – for example, right now I have in fridge oven-cooked salmon, grilled chicken thights, breaded pork cutlets, and a bean mix casserole.

      And then I tell my family to take those things and combine whatever way they want. There will be leftovers for at least two next days when they will again be able to take whatever they want and warm it up in microwave.

    22. Chaordic One*

      Get a packaged tossed green salad from the supermarket and dump in a can of tuna (or a can of diced ham or diced chicken) and serve with salad dressing.

      Similarly, cook some rice and dump in a can of mixed vegetables (or a package of frozen vegetables) and a can of tuna (or diced ham or diced chicken). Add in some Worcester sauce (or marinade or salad dressing).

      Frozen pizza. Frozen lasagna.

      1. Chaordic One*

        And when it comes to rice, there’s nothing wrong with using pre-cooked Minute Rice. Another easy meal is to cook some rice and then dump a can of chili over it, or a can of Campbell’s Chunky Soup.

    23. Chauncy Gardener*

      I just got out of a two week “If I Have to Cook Dinner One More Time There Will Be Violence” phase.
      Fortunately my husband really appreciates that I cook so much so well, that he fully supports my “vacations” from cooking. We’ll get take out frequently, get pre marinated stuff and grill it, have cheese, crackers and other snacks or just go out. By the time we’ve had all this, usually, bad food, I’m ready to cook again!

    24. Someone stole my croissant*

      On Sundays, we always have teriyaki chicken. It’s an easy meal after church (or whatever you choose to do on Sunday), and it’s tradition now. That way, at least one day is a no headache meal. It doesn’t have to be teriyaki chicken, it could be hot dogs and Mac and cheese or lasagna, or breakfast for dinner, but stick to it every week.

    25. Girasol*

      Something from the freezer. When I am moved to cook, I cook in school lunch lady quantities – a tub of mac and cheese or lasagna, a vat of beef or chicken stew, a mountain of swedish meatballs, a kettle of spaghetti sauce, and then I put the leftovers in the freezer in dinner-sized portions. I roast several chickens at once, eat off them two or three times, and pack up a bunch of freezer boxes of chicken and gravy and more of chicken soup. Thanksgiving turkey likewise. There are always at least half a dozen options if I go to the freezer looking for something to eat that I only need to microwave and park a vegetable next to it. It has the added advantage that I can say, “Hey, does beef stew or turkey and stuffing sound better for dinner, or neither and you want another option?”

    26. FACS*

      there is a great recipe online for an orzo carbonara with burrata and baked prosciutto. 20 to 25 minutes and done!

    27. Bibliovore*

      yes. I have a trust. That was the best thing that Mr. Bibliovore and did years ago. No probate and in the Big Grieving, and sudden money issues, we had not planned for. I have someone who will receive what seems to be an outrageous sum of money to care for the dogs. It is a long financial and emotional commitment so my lawyer helped me set it up so that each dog has a “godmother” AND there are enough funds for a lifetime of care AND there is a plan b.
      I already did a Swedish death clean- valuable art is tagged with the recipient or donation to an institution.

    28. Square Root of Minus One*

      A few years ago, someone here said they made themselves a deck of cards with their favorite easy recipes, and drew a card when they blanked on what’s for dinner.
      I bought a set of blank cards off Amazon, within a few months I had a reasonable deck of personal favorites – and I took my time. I don’t use them as much now, since batch cooking on the weekend turned out to be my solution to the exact problem you described, but that might help you.
      To this commenter, btw, sorry I don’t remember your name and thank you again for the hack ^^

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Probably me, and I’m glad it worked for you!! (I don’t use it much anymore either.)

    29. Sparrow*

      I don’t have any suggestions that haven’t already been made, but I do suggest making a spreadsheet. Mine has multiple columns including “Multi-serving dinner” (helpful for creating leftovers) and “Quick easy dinner” with all the meal ideas listed underneath. Each meal is linked to to the recipe where needed, but many are just “pasta + red sauce.” It saves lots of stress and hassle when my partner and I are meal planning, and I can pull it up easily on a night when nothing sounds good, and compare the list to what is in the pantry/fridge.

    30. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Meal prep! Or make a double batch when you do cook. Eat leftovers. Depending on what you’re making you can change it up as leftovers for more variety.

    31. Stephanie*

      When I was the go-to dinner cook, I had a couple of recipes that I kept in my back pocket for times when I just didn’t have the energy to come up with dinner. Things that are so easy that I could cook them in my sleep, and that are basically pantry-ingredient recipes.
      One of my favorites was pasta with breadcrumbs. It’s super simple, and tastes way better than you’d think. Grind up some bread in a blender or food processor until you have one cup. You want them to be coarse, not like the breadcrumbs you can buy in a can at the grocery store. I got into the habit of freezing the ends of loaves of bread and grinding up a big batch at a time, and keeping the crumbs in the freezer, which made it even easier to throw together quickly.
      To make it, cook short pasta (any shape you like) to al dente. While it’s cooking, melt a tablespoon of butter in a large skillet. Add a teaspoon of olive oil, and a clove of minced garlic. Cook that for a minute, then add a teaspoon of Italian seasoning and a half teaspoon of salt. Add your cup of breadcrumbs, toss to coat in the butter mixture, and shake the pan to evenly distribute the crumbs. Stir and shake every few minutes until the crumbs are golden brown, and remove from heat. Once the pasta is cooked and drained, toss with the breadcrumbs, some grated parmesan cheese and a drizzle of olive oil. Open up a bagged salad, and you’ve got dinner in about 20 minutes.
      Another back pocket dinner is quesadillas, chips and salsa.
      We also had an “every man for himself” night once a week or so: leftovers, make yourself a sandwich, bowl of cereal, boxed mac and cheese, whatever.

  35. Generic Name*

    I’m bored today and finally had the inspirated to do some more research on the non-fiction booked I started researching, about 2 years ago!

    I just don’t know where to start – it’s a niche history topic in the transport industry. I have grand ideas for the presentation and graphics but just writing up a paragraph or 2 is daunting…

    Any non-fiction writers on here? How did you cope with your project??

    1. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Start with an outline. A list of topics in the order you want to cover them. (And remember, you can change them later! You can add, delete, reorder, whatever later in the process.)
      It can be as simple as:
      Introduction
      Background
      Topic 1
      Topic 2
      Topic 3
      Conclusion
      Then you can go back through and flesh it out. You do NOT have to go in order. In fact, I always write the introduction last. Just my quirk. After the second pass, your outline might look like this:
      Introduction
      Background
      – Quote from so-and-so
      – Story about that one time
      Topic 1 – the early years
      – The event or person that started it all
      – Early evolution
      – Response to these events
      Topic 2 – the age of adaptation
      – The great leap forward in niche topic
      – The event that almost ruined it all
      etc etc etc.
      Then choose a section to actually start writing. Remember you do not have to write a book in order.

    2. BikeWalkBarb*

      I’m in a similar situation and hope others will respond.

      A very, very starter thought: I’ve been noodling for a while on an idea for a book (coincidentally also related to transportation, although not at all about its history). As I’ve let it incubate I’ve been reading books that give me ideas for content and approach. I keep a daily journal anyway so when I have a “book idea” I write it in my journal. I keep a running index so I have “writing” as a topic and will be able to find the notes later. I had started a Google doc to capture some early ideas but that doesn’t work as well for me on this, for some reason.

      I recently read writing advice that said it’s something like 1/3 reading, 1/3 writing, 1/3 polishing. If you’re reading about it and making notes you’re writing.

    3. samwise*

      Not a writer, but I’d recommend going to a college or university library and talking to the reference librarian.

      You could also check the websites for university libraries, as they often have a chat function.

  36. Grits McGee*

    Is anyone aware of a micro nutrient calculator or tracking tool available online? I use myfitnesspal to track macro nutrients (carbs, fats, sugar, etc) but I can’t find an equivalent for micro nutrients (vitamins, etc). All I’m finding are calculators that tell you what you should be consuming, and I need something to tally what I’ve already eaten.

    2. mreasy*

      When I used myfitnesspal it had a way to view vitamins, minerals, etc. Though I wonder if they’ve moved that to premium only?

      1. Grits McGee*

        Yeah, I remember that being an option as well! I looked through the specs for the Premium service, and I’m not seeing micro nutrient tracking (unless it’s hidden within another feature).

        1. Pharmgirl*

          I do have the premium version and it tracks some nutrients – fiber cholesterol vitamin A ans C , sodium potassium iron calcium. Also trans fat monounsaturated and polyunsaturated fats. But that’s it – I’m not looking for more so it works for me but it depends on what you need to track.

    3. Commander Shepard's Favorite Store*

      I stumbled across nutritionvalue.org the other day and it seems to be just what you’re looking for. It doesn’t have the most beautiful interface but it does have a lot of detail about food nutrients. Looks like it does have a food tracker component although I haven’t used it myself.

  37. SuprisinglyADHD*

    People with Tinnitus, has yours ever changed the way it “sounds”? I’m having a hard time finding info online about it.
    I’ve had tinnitus all my life, even as a small child, the “sound of silence” was a million distant crickets plus a hissing static noise. Just recently, it added a new “noise” that sounds like someone using a weedwhacker or power tool outside all day, and occasionally switches to sound like a mosquito buzzing around my head. That, on top of my usual tinnitus. In the past, the only things that affected my tinnitus were migraines and neck injuries, and all they did was intensify the usual sound.
    This is the first time my tinnitus has really bothered me, it’s super annoying, particularly when it switches to the “mosquito” sound.

    1. no name right now*

      Yes, and I will be visiting an ENT soon to get it checked out. Other than that, I don’t have anything useful to add. I hope yours resolves.

    2. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      Yeah, mine varies some, but it does revert to baseline. Usually mine will intensify with allergies. And sometimes it will just be worse for awhile. And typing this is making me ultra aware of mine!

      A sudden unusual change in tinnitus should be followed up with an ENT/Audiologist quickly to make sure there isn’t something else going on. Tinnitus often follows sudden hearing loss in a particular frequency. One of mine was an infection in the nerve. Steroids returned about 60% of the hearing loss before the damage was completely permanent.

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        Hmm, I have been having post nasal drip and some sinus congestion, leftover from being sick a while back. That could be a possible cause that I didn’t think of.

    3. samwise*

      Gotten louder and at a lower frequency at times (not low, just lower). Stress, lack of sleep make it worse.

      Hearing aids make it a million times better. I recommend seeing an audiologist and getting good quality hearing aids.

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        It doesn’t really bother me usually, it’s just what the world sounds like to me. The new tone is distracting at the moment but I may end up tuning it out after a while just like the rest. If it lasts too long or becomes worse I’ll see a specialist, but I’d rather not need more appointments than I already have for various other issues

    4. Boggle*

      Have had mine since after my first Covid vaccination 4 years ago. It never goes away, sometimes it’s worse (louder) sometimes it’s better (softer). I have yet to determine what causes it to change, stress, eating poorly that day, no idea. I turn to Tinnitus Sound Therapy (8000 hz seems to work best for me) when it gets to be too much. I always have to have a fan on to sleep at night, any type of white noise to dampen the noise in my head. No one ever truly understands what we go through unless they have it themselves. I am not optimistic about a cure, but at least I have some ways to deal with it. Taking a walk outside, working in my garden, sound therapy, trying to eat better too. I had hoped the B-12 I started taking would have some effect, but nothing changed as far as my tinnitus, did get rid of my angular cheilitis.

    5. Girasol*

      When I was a kid I used to think I was the only person who could actually hear the music of the spheres. The music of the spheres has gotten just a tiny bit louder with age, and every once in awhile I get a loud buzz in one ear or the other for 30 seconds or so. Fortunately it’s never so long that I can’t just wait it out. But a sudden and bothersome change like yours does sound like something to discuss with a doctor.

    6. BellaStella (cat lady)*

      Do you know also of hyperacusis? I have mild tinnitus in the ear that is mostly deaf due to a scuba injury. It changes tone yes and got worse after a bad head cold. Good luck too!

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        I hadn’t heard of it, but I don’t have those symptoms thank goodness. It looks like it’s adjacent to misophonia, but caused by a physical injury, rather than mental/emotional distress.

    7. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I’m extremely lucky in that my tinnitus has never bothered me. I was a teenager before I realized other people didn’t have it. It doesn’t affect my hearing, I can still hear quiet sounds, and I don’t find it irritating, possibly because I never knew anything different, and probably because I mentally lumped it in with the entire world being “low-def” for me (atrocious vision, astigmatism, light halos, extreme photosensitivity, “visual snow”, lots of eye floaters, and probably an audio processing disorder I never looked into). I definitely thought it was connected to the Visual Snow, because it was a static-y sound to go with my static-y vision.
      I’ll give this new tone a while to see if it gets worse or goes away with time. Once I thought I had an ear infection but it turned out to be an injured muscle in my neck, so it’s possible this is stemming from some other issue I’m not aware of yet (my sinuses aren’t yet recovered from a cold a couple of weeks ago, and I’m always doing SOMETHING wrong to my neck or shoulders). If it gets worse, or starts to really irritate me rather than just be a bit distracting, I’ll call a doctor or specialist.
      Thank you for all your advice, and best wishes to everyone dealing with tinnitus!

  38. Cj*

    this is related to a post on the work thread yesterday, but I’m posting it today because it doesn’t apply just to work.

    the OP thought the problem might be gender related, and referred to themself as a biological female twice. if they present as female, why would it be necessary to specify that? in this situation, if they are cis, non-binary, or a trans male that hasn’t physically transitioned doesn’t really matter as far as I can tell.

    perhaps people that are not cis find it important to let people know that even if it doesn’t affect the situation being discussed? or is it something else I’m not thinking of?

    I obviously don’t know if the OP is cis, but most people that are don’t refer to themselves as biologically whatever. that’s not really the point, though, it’s if anything needs to be specified at all if they present as female and why.

      1. Cj*

        but if they are non-binary female presenting the man that has a problem with them would have no way of knowing that unless they are all about it at work, but it didn’t sound like it.

        I also specified a female presenting trans person that hasn’t physically transitioned. so again, unless they are out to the man as being trans, that will enter into it. and if the man knows, I would say that was more of a transphobia then a gender issue, although of course they are related.

      2. Cj*

        I just realized you may have meant the OP/ someone else saying this to another, not the person they are speaking to . but if you say biological female, you might still be non-binary.

    2. Sitting Pretty*

      I could be totally wrong here but I think there are some pretty icky ways that transphobia creeps into language, even among people who don’t think of themselves as transphobic. In the world of transphobes, using the word “cis” is seen as part of some liberal agenda to take traditional binary differences away. So they refuse to use the word “cis” to describe themselves and instead will say “biological male” or “biological female.” As a kind of signifer that they are “real” men or women as opposed to “fake” (trans) maybe because they that that being born with certain genitals give them credibility?

      Anyway, I think this religious-right rejection of the term means that a lot of people even who are not consciously transphobic don’t know how to use “cis” properly. They hear “biological female” used in conservative media or by transphobic acquaintances on social media or whatever, and just adopt it without thinking.

      My cis hetero white male partner who is vocally and openly feminist and LGBTQIA+ ally, even he still stumbles when trying to use cis the right way. I’m constantly correcting him when he does things like what the OP in the letter you mentions did. He’s open to learning… it’s a tough road but totally worth it.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Oh shoot I didn’t know that, I thought it was the reverse (saying “biologically female” to suggest there are many options /be inclusive/ acknowledge it’s a big tent / whatever). Thanks for the tip I’ll now know it might be more of a dog whistle.

        1. Cj*

          I wasn’t questioning the use of the word biological instead of cis because of exactly what you just said. they may not be cis, but nonbinary or trans but female presenting.

          I was just wondering why they needed to specify that they were biologically female at all. just thought it might be a gender issue, so apparently the co-worker thinks they are female.

          I guess if I had written it, I would have just said female, or female presenting if I were non-binary.

          as far as the post just above yours, I don’t know what you would say instead of biologically female if you are non-binary but for some reason need to describe your Anatomy. are you supposed to use the terminology assigned female at birth? if you do that, I think most people would assume you are a trans man, not binary.

      2. Maggie*

        I don’t use the word biologically, but I am female so I’m going to refer to myself as female sometimes. It’s not always that deep. I know female has sort of been co-opted to be used in a derogatory way sometimes, but it still is what I am, so I’m not going to let people to misuse that word make it unusable for me.

      3. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

        This is mostly why I answered the question the way I did. I went back and forth as to what was meant by the question

        1) why did she feel the need to label herself at all (the question I decided to answer)

        2) why did she use that term – which I didn’t answer because if that was the intent – that seems a little more like not a question but more of a calling out.

        The truth is nobody gets all things right all the time. Not even experience engaged DEI professionals whose job it is to be right on the matter. Everything is evolving constantly and I’m going to say 80% of the people are just not going to have the bandwidth to keep up. And there is a lot of disagreement within populations of people about what right even means on topics that most affect them. I’ve come from a presentation about how educators should approach pronouns to a discussion group among non-cis students where about 40% vehemently agreed with the presenter and about 40% vehemently thought they were completely wrong and most of them thought it was at least progress that the presentation existed.

        1. Cj*

          I’m really confused about your point #2. did you mean it seemed like I was calling somebody out? if so, I don’t understand how it could be interpreted that way.

          I’ve already replied to a bunch of comments, so I’ll answer another one here even though you get refer to it. some people thought the issue with them saying female instead of woman. it’s the biological part I was questioning, but after reading several of the comments I realize now that it was probably important for probably bigoted reasons to the original poster to point out that she was biologically female.

      4. An. On.*

        This is an honest question which I sincerely don’t mean as a thinly veiled dig, but how common is the word ‘icky’ in the United States? I live on the other side of the Atlantic and can’t imagine anyone other than perhaps a thirteen- or fourteen-year-old girl using it—I certainly can’t imagine anyone who hunts or drives a truck using it, so is its use political in the way that no one would use ‘LGBTQIA’ who wasn’t sympathetic to such people? Thanks.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          It is common, not specific to teen girls, but also context-dependent. Often used by adults as synonymous with “inappropriate”, especially in circumstances where one can’t quite put their finger on why the thing in question is inappropriate.

        2. not my usual self*

          I learned to shoot when I was 8 years old, am in a truck much more often than I am in a car, and am decades away from being a teenager, and have no problem with the word “icky”/have certainly used it on occasion, so there’s some anecdata, I guess?

    3. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      Perceived gender bias against female presenting cis gendered people is more likely about the gender. Bias against female presenting non-binary or trans may be about the gender or it may be about being non-cis.

      I don’t recall the post you were talking about but it may just be clarification on the specific bias being encountered, especially if you are looking at patterns of bias that need to be addressed.

    4. Maggie*

      It might affect a work situation, since there are people who might treat transgender women more poorly than other women. I probably wouldn’t say biologically, but I do refer to myself as female sometimes because that’s what I am.

    5. Nonbinary Rhetorician*

      “Biological female/male” functions as a dogwhistle for people who are transphobic, usually aligned with TERFs (Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminists, a term they coined for themselves). As Sitting Pretty suggests above, it’s to indicate that someone is a “real” woman/man. Entirely possible that the commenter in question did, as Sitting Pretty suggests, pick it up from acquaintances or the media without knowing the full context, as is the problem with dogwhistles! But if someone’s using “biological female/male,” they’re almost certainly cisgender and not trans.

      (Trans people will sometimes use “AFAB/AMAB” (Assigned female/male at birth) as a more circumspect way to indicate why they’re being “read” as a certain gender, though I think I’ve seen it used less the last few years.)

      1. Nonbinary Rhetorician*

        To clarify, as to why the poster might have felt the need to specify: People in this line of thinking often feel that they CAN’T just say “female/male,” they must specify that they are a “REAL female/male.” Perhaps they feel that bad actions toward someone transgender would be more justified and/or understandable?

      2. AGD*

        This. It sounds scientific for about a second and a half, but that’s an illusion – the biology here is intensely complicated along several dimensions, meaning that biology isn’t a binary any more than gender identities are. I use AFAB/AMAB in my work with students, because that’s as objective as it gets (a description of the label others stuck on you at birth, guessing at what they think your gender identity might be once you develop one, which is typically around the ages of 3-4).

        Like you, I don’t automatically side-eye everyone who uses this term because it’s possible people don’t realize where it came from, but it’s absolutely a dogwhistle, and it definitely puts me very much on the alert for transphobic rhetoric.

    6. Nic W*

      I just assumed that they were specifying to make it clear that transphobia wasn’t in play, just common or garden misogyny. Dealing with misogyny and transphobia often requires more in-depth techniques and approaches to deal with both together. If people are going to be freely giving their limited time to give the OP advice, the OP isn’t going to want them to spend time on advice she doesn’t need to use, when that time could be better spent giving her more things she could use. Kind of like specifying your state in a question so that people don’t give you generic advice that works in ‘most states’ when you live in California. Just my assumption, but personally I always like to assume neutral intentions from people unless shown otherwise. Selfishness is far more common than active malice, in my experience.

      If you’re wondering why they said ‘biological’ instead of ‘cis’, well, the only thing I can say is your America bias is showing. Might want to tuck it back in a little while you’re on AAM, this website attracts non-US and non-native English speakers from all over the globe. ‘Cis’ hasn’t yet acquired global ascendancy in the English language.

    7. allathian*

      It’s transphobic.

      I’m happily married and not currently interested in dating, but the only time I’d ever consider using “biological male” as a term would be to specify that I’m only interested in dating AMAB cis men, not trans men no matter how well they pass as male in society at large. Dating is pretty much the only time people are allowed to discriminate in the sense that you get to decide who you want to date and you get to make that decision even if the reasoning behind it (limiting your dating pool to cis people of your preferred gender, those who share your religion and/or ethnic background, aren’t overweight or disabled, or fit a certain age bracket, etc.) would be discriminatory in any other situation.

  39. Peacock problem*

    Yesterday I paid for a Peacock subscription so I can watch the Olympics. I can’t figure out how to remove the giant text that runs across the middle of the screen most of the time. It disappears randomly and the whole image is viewable, and then it pops back in. I’m streaming it on my 14″ laptop so it’s not a giant view to begin with.

    It was so annoying to watch the opening ceremonies yesterday and only have a partial view, especially when acrobats were performing amazing stunts. Is there a way to clear off the text and other extraneous stuff that impedes my view?

    1. Generic Name*

      If you can’t find a solution and if you have a TV, you can buy a digital tv antenna and watch the Olympics the old fashioned way. We don’t have satellite or cable, and we’re watching via live broadcast.

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        This is the only way we found to watch the Thanksgiving Day parade and various New Years shows. We also caught the Kentucky Derby and the Superbowl.
        I know a lot of people who were surprised to learn there is still free broadcast TV, and several kids I know were AMAZED because they’d never seen anything but streaming and cable, and in some cases only streaming.

    2. Professor Plum*

      If it’s the subtitles/closed captions you should be able to turn that off. Look for an icon at the top right of your screen to find the menu.

    3. Peacock problem*

      It’s not captioning — it’s an episode title telling me that (for instance) this is THE PARIS OLYMPICS in a very large font. Sometimes if I click the Audio icon on and off, the episode title and other associated text disappears too, but not for long.

      I used to have a satellite service for my TV but last year I cancelled it and sent back their equipment including the remote. I thought I’d be able to push some buttons and watch over-the-air TV on the rare occasions that I wanted to. But I can’t figure out how to operate the TV, or even turn it on, without a remote.

      I reckon I need to locate a local business that can come to my house and make this work (or tell me it can’t ever work), but in the meantime I do want to watch the Olympics, preferably without all the large-scale text obscuring the middle of the screen like what this Peacock service is doing.

      1. WellRed*

        Go to Best Buy or whatever is local and buy a remote. I’m not sure what’s going on exactly but that’s probably a place to start. Ask in the store for advice if needed.

        1. Anono-me*

          Yes, I have had excellent results at Best Buy, as has an older. non techy family member. (But ime they tend to be understaffed, so only go when you have lots of time and patience. )

      2. SuprisinglyADHD*

        One possibility is that your mouse or trackpad is registering that you are moving the cursor, on some online players that brings up the progress bar, controls, and title/episode info.
        A second possibility is that you are inadvertently hovering the cursor over one of the menu buttons while the controls are hidden, so every so often it decides to bring up the controls for you.
        On one player I had to move the cursor off the side of the screen before it would hide all the overlays.

  40. Crooked Bird*

    My husband was in the hospital overnight this week with a scary situation that turned out OK (appeared at first to be stroke, in fact it was transient global amnesia due to stress, apparently that’s a thing–he literally forgot what year it was, who was President, & that we are in the throes of trying to help his elderly mother move, all w/in the space of 5 minutes), and I was *extremely* impressed with the hospital he ended up getting his care at. The entire atmosphere of the place was one of competence & genuine, engaged caring; almost everyone we interacted with could be described this way, although some stood out more than others. (Especially the neurologist, I know I sound silly here but he frankly had the most empathetic demeanor I’ve ever seen and the general vibe of a saint.) But anyway someone has to be doing something right at the top & throughout the organization b/c clearly morale is high.

    So I want to give them all good feedback. I located the hospital’s feedback page and tomorrow when I’m a bit more restored I’ll try & locate some of the names of the people who worked with us. I’ve never done this before & am not familiar w/ the healthcare industry–any do’s and don’t’s on this kind of thing, from those who are?

    Also a much more specific question: before going to this wonderful hospital, we went to our small-town hospital ER where they weren’t able to do anything more than a CAT scan (& where they did in fact give him a tentative diagnosis that turned out to be the right one in the end.) They called all of the area’s larger hospitals for a transfer and got nothing except the option to put him on a 3-day waiting list. The ER doc sat us down, TURNED HIS BADGE AROUND (this was a symbolic gesture, we’d seen his name) and advised us to check my husband out AMA, drive to the nearest larger hospital and present him at the ER there. He thoroughly & empathetically explained his reasoning, which seemed very sound, both for our good & that of his 6-bed hospital which already had patients sleeping in the hallways; we followed his recommendation & it led to the best outcome. Husband got all the relevant tests, his diagnosis was fully confirmed, & he was safer overnight (in his still very shaky state) in a place that had neurologists & psych trained people. They discharged him when his memory started coming back & his recovery is essentially complete now.

    So I want to commend this ER doctor, because I think that kind of honesty is part of what’s right with the world, but I don’t want to get him in trouble. I assume that just sending a note saying he gave excellent care would work, but I don’t know if that would look weird given that we checked out AMA right after his care? Can anyone advise?

    1. Chauncy Gardener*

      I would just tell hospital #1 that the ER doc gave wonderful care and you highly recommend their hospital.
      For #2, perhaps multiple letters or one for overall and one specifically for the neurologist.
      And online reviews are great because everyone can see them

    2. Maryn*

      I fear you’d get that ER doctor into trouble if you stated in writing what his (excellent) advice was. Your non-specific note will let him know you appreciated what he did for you and your husband (so glad he’s okay!) without exposing him to any risk.

    3. Mobie's Mom Now*

      As someone who works at a hospital, thank you for taking the time to express thanks! Jist do your best with the names, and if you can’t find names, try to call out specific times/ departments (“the lab tech on duty on 7/25 at 3:30pm or so was super efficient”, or similar). As to your question about the doctor who sent you to the bigger hospital, maybe just the general “he gave such excellent care and advice” can be sent to the hospital or shared on their feedback page, but you could send the doctor a personal note of thanks, too, like an actual thank you card. If you send it to the doctor, in care of the hospital, it will get to him, especially in a small hospital.

      I’m glad to hear it wasn’t anything serious for your husband!

      1. Crooked Bird*

        Oh that’s a good idea about sending the ER doc a sealed thank-you card! That would be perfect; that way as well as thanking him I can let him know how it turned out. I bet they don’t get that kind of thing enough.

    4. Reba*

      If this hospital is anything like the medical system I use, they will call, text, and email you to give you chances to give feedback, lol.
      Glad your spouse is doing better and that he got great care.

    5. Sparrow*

      I work in healthcare- I don’t think you have to be afraid to compliment the first ER doctor. As long as your compliment doesn’t specifically say you checked out AMA, I highly doubt the person working in the patient service department will connect your comment with his patient record and then the AMA discharge status (especially if the comment is under you name and not your husbands’). If you want to be extra cheeky, you could say the ER doc “gave savvy advice about navigating the healthcare system which led to excellent follow up care and a full and complete recovery” and he might even make the connection (but no pressure if this feels risky)

      1. Crooked Bird*

        Thanks–now that I think about it that makes sense, they don’t have those records in front of them nor would they go pulling them up! Maybe I’ll just say he gave excellent advice, as Mobie’s Mom Now suggests above…

        1. SuprisinglyADHD*

          Something like, “he was very knowledgeable and explained things in a way we could understand, and his bedside manner was reassuring”
          It covers all the categories that the administration/superiors care about, without being too specific about WHAT he was explaining [how to get the kind of care he couldn’t provide there]. It also gives the relevant information to people reading the review online, to know that he is kind and likely to be helpful.

  41. Microwave recipes wanted!*

    Last week I asked for microwave recipes and y’all gave me great ideas! I didn’t get a chance to say “thank you” at the time. Thank you!!! (And any additional ones gratefully accepted! I eat anything but fish.)

  42. Serious Pillowfight*

    I’m 41, unmarried, and childless. I saw an ad for the Nokbox (Next of Kin organizational system) and it got me thinking about getting my affairs in order should something happen to me. Hopefully I won’t die until I’m very old, but just in case, I want my estate/life insurance to cover my funeral costs so my parents don’t have to pay for it, and then I want whatever is left to be split 50/50 into separate trusts for my two nieces (if I die while they’re still minors). Who do I need to contact to set this up? An estate planning attorney? I guess I need to make a will that will lay all this out. Thanks!

    1. Serious Pillowfight*

      My brother (dad of the two nieces) has agreed to be executor of my estate, if that matters.

    2. Generic Name*

      Yes, you need a will. You can do wills from those online services, but unless you absolutely don’t have the funds, I’d go with an estate attorney.

      1. Serious Pillowfight*

        I do have the funds and am willing to pay for proper procedure. Thanks for the info!

    3. sagewhiz*

      Yes to the estate planning attorney. It’s not inexpensive but they know all the in’s and outs to protect your assets, both for yourself and those you bequeath to.

    4. Sloanicota*

      Ugh I recently made a will as a single childless adult in my 40s and it was rough. It turns out I want everything to go to my parents first (they might need it in their retirement, and they can distribute to my sister/nieces as they see fit, we are likely in concord), then to my sister if they are gone, then to her children – which made me feel stupid as I guess that’s just what the law would have done anyway. I thought having a will would make it easier but I guess not really. I did set aside my 401K to my goddaughter, but she’s the death beneficiary on that account anyway, so the lawyer advised it wasn’t necessary to list it again.

      1. Serious Pillowfight*

        Still good you did it! Now if anything happens, your assets won’t sit in probate for months and months.

      2. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

        Still better to have the will. What the law might do and what you want might match now, but if there is any doubt, probate can be long and expensive

    5. Ask a Manager* Post author

      While we’re on the topic, I want to put in a plug for everyone with pets to think about how to provide for them in case you die! The lawyer who did our estate planning (wills, etc.) helped us create a pet trust, which specifies who has agreed to take our cats if we both die and includes a sum of money per cat for their lifetime care.

      Griffin and Grendel come from a house with a lot of cats where the owner died and there were no provisions for the cats, and animal control came and euthanized some of them before a rescue group took the others. And I recently helped place two very depressed kitties who had been sitting in a shelter cage for months after their owner died. (They now have a home and are happy!) Both of those things made me realize too few people have plans in place for their animals.

      2. Bibliovore*

        yes. I have a trust. That was the best thing that Mr. Bibliovore and did years ago. No probate and in the Big Grieving, not a lot to acuta I have someone who will receive what seems to be an outrageous sum of money to care for the dogs. It is a long financial and emotional commitment so my lawyer helped me set it up so that each dog has a “godmother” AND there are enough funds for a lifetime of care AND there is a plan b.
        I already did a Swedish death clean- valuable art is tagged with the recipient or donation to an institution.

      3. Ricotta*

        Note that people with birds and tortoises are very familiar with this process, since those animals are notoriously long-lived. If you know anyone with those animals, they can probably guide you to a knowledgeable legal professional. (Worth mentioning since personal referrals are gold in the legal field.)

    6. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      I would definitely go the estate attorney route, wills are good, but setting up the trusts is going to take an estate attorney most likely anyway. There are also certain things that a revocable trust can do that a will cant and vice versa, we ended up with both.

    7. Pocket Mouse*

      In some states, you can also put a transfer-on-death beneficiary on your house deed and/or car title. This can make those parts of the process *much* simpler.

      And this isn’t precisely what you asked, but a recent experience makes me think it may be relevant to you: if you live alone, please consider leaving a small packet of important info (next of kin phone numbers and a copy or details on the location of your will, advance directives, etc.) in a visible place in case someone you don’t know, or don’t know well, responds to an emergency or wellness check at your home.

      1. Serious Pillowfight*

        Thanks! I don’t live alone and I have a Nokbox (nokbox.com) which is what got me thinking about all this. I told my parents, dad’s wife, and boyfriend where it is.

    8. ronda*

      I had my will done in 2016.

      It includes 1. Will 2. Durable General Power of Attorney 3. Advance Directive for Health Care

      Look up the questions usually addressed in each one and think about what you want, then yes, get an estate attorney to do the will and review options.

      I didnt do any trusts, so dont know any details on those.

      Something not really addressed in those documents is what to do with my body. I dont really have an opinion on that….. but I am reading it is not really nice to leave that to my executor to decide either. I am still procrastinating about it, but maybe someday I will address it. So maybe define what you would like your funeral to be.

      I do have almost all my financial accounts with beneficiaries. So really almost nothing goes thru the will for disposition (since I have sold my house). I have left some accounts with no beneficiary to have some money for estate taxes (which is a thing in my state). and I couldn’t get my bank to understand and let me know how to put a beneficiary on my checking account. When my mom died, dealing with the accounts with beneficiaries was easy (just needed the death certificate). with others it was more complicated.

      But the will doesn’t give them all the info. I made a list for my executor of where my money is, what bills are being paid and how. I dont include $ amounts, just where and beneficiaries. I update it when things change. If I was still employed I would include my employer HR contact info too, with benefit info like life & disability insurance.

      1. ronda*

        and the lawyer cost about $500 and a couple of visits in TN. No trust, that might up the price.

    9. Lifelong student*

      I have seen the ad for the NOKbox and created my own. I purchased a case on Amazon which is fireproof and water proof, holds hanging files, and can have a combination lock. I set up folders for all the relevant areas- I already had a will and the other such documents. It is a good idea to have such a thing. I call it my Go- Box. If there is ever a disaster, it can be easily picked up if we have to evacuate.

    10. not my usual self*

      So… my mother just died alone, found by a neighbor. She had visited an estate lawyer the year before, so there was a will and all of that, and she also had a decent amount of life insurance. But… because of the circumstances of her death, the death certificate will be Pending for months, as the cause of her death needs to be investigated since she died alone. So the life insurance makes no difference at all right now because the company won’t take a Pending death certificate. My husband and I are therefore going to have to pay for any expenses related to her remains out of pocket. We are not people of means. So if you want your funeral to be provided for, please make arrangements at a funeral home rather than thinking that life insurance will come through right away for these expenses. I feel bad about being unable to give my mother a funeral.

      1. Morning Reading*

        IANAL but I suggest consulting the lawyer she used. That sounds like some kind of insurance bs. Even if the insurance won’t pay out before some investigation, there’s no reason the rest of her estate can’t be processed. I’ve never heard of this delay except when someone is missing and presumed dead so they have to wait 7 years. I’m sorry for your loss and that you are having this difficulty. I suggest a memorial a year later?

        1. not my usual self*

          Yes, Morning Reading, we met with the “lawyer she used” the day after she passed away. He confirmed that we would need to wait for the amended death certificate that comes months after the pending one for many, but not all, financial things related to her death. I do not really want to discuss the details of the circumstances of her death as to why that is the case. But no, we will not be having a memorial a year later. Again, I wish that she had made arrangements with the funeral home beforehand to avoid all of this.

          1. not my usual self*

            So I just replied with my usual name instead of what I was using for this thread, sigh, I will report it to see if it can be changed.

      2. Just a name*

        That was the case for my sister last year. Because the medical examiner doing the autopsy was so backed up it took from November 7 to late April for the final death certificate. Got the check on May 20. I was fortunately able to cover the expenses, but she had specified no funeral. We did a graveside service with just family. I’m so sorry for your loss. I was the executor, and was able to process everything else with just the pending investigation death certificate. She had made me the beneficiary of both her bank account and vehicle, so her two major assets passed outside of the estate. The rest was just her personal belongings.

    11. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I don’t have advice about trusts or lawyers, but I strongly urge you to make sure your family knows what you want, and where to find all your paperwork and ID numbers (social, driver’s license, etc).
      One set of my grandparents passed away suddenly and unexpectedly, but they had done all the planning decades before and made sure their children knew their wishes, including which person they wanted in charge of everything. It all went very smoothly and took a lot of stress out of an incredibly stressful situation.
      My other set of grandparents is trying to set up trusts and a will, but they won’t tell their kids ANYTHING, not even whether they want to be cremated or buried or where they want their remains. Their kids don’t know where to find the paperwork or even what accounts or insurance information to be looking for. They’re already worrying about what to do when their parents eventually pass away, and it’s causing them a lot of stress even now.

  43. Someone stole my croissant*

    So I heard we have some dnd players here. I’ve got a relatively new group here (we know the basic rules, made a few characters), but we’re not very good. One of our players is 11, the other 14, and we’ve got a 17, and a 21 dm.
    Our problem is we don’t know what to do. We’ll get a quest, and go try to figure things out, but don’t know who it is, or what happened, or what to do besides helping that sweet old lady rid her house of monsters. One of our players doesn’t talk hardly at all without prompting from the group. We’ve got lots of plot threads we never tied up. Any suggestions?

    1. strawberry lemonade*

      Are you the GM?

      I have a few general recommendations. One, try running a module, rather than a home brew campaign. They have better plot hooks.

      Second, lean into cliche as hard as you can. They make it easier to know what’s coming next.

      Finally: lean into what the players like! It seems like they like helping sweet old ladies. Awesome, maybe they want to set up a ghostbusters style HQ and get hired by a sweet old lady who has a monster infestation. And then a super adorable cat person comes along who can’t find any mice because they’re all getting collected by the evil Mice Capitalist Hobgoblins. I don’t know. If it’s fun to have very directed job requests that are clearly helping people, that’s possible to do!

      1. Someone stole my croissant*

        Mice capitalist hobgoblins XD
        No, I’m not the gm but I get what you mean. A module sounds like a fun suggestion, I know they’re a bit more structured. I’ll definitely pass these suggestions onto the gm and see what he thinks

    2. dontbeadork*

      Sometimes the GM is going to have to just railroad the players to a specific point in the story because the players don’t know how to get there. Different systems use different ways to do this, but one idea might be to have the GM offer brownie points for doing something very well or unusual or writing up a chronicle of what happened in game from the characters’ perspectives or whatever. Players may then cash in those brownie points for a bit of a hint or a chance reroll a failed skill check or possibly as a get out of death free mechanism (although that should cost more than one BP).

      At this point, I’d have a cleric (or paladin) pray to their deity for guidance, which will let the GM nudge you back on track.

      1. Someone stole my croissant*

        Ooh yeah. Inspiration/brownie points is a great idea.
        You also reminded me there’s a huge part of that whole cleric character I’m not utilizing! I’m a tempest cleric, but I guess I haven’t gone to service in a while lol. That adventuring really takes it out of ya

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I assume these numbers are ages, not character levels? Yes, definitely modules. I do Pathfinder, not D&D proper, but first edition Pathfinder is based on D&D 3.5 and there are a series of really cute goblin-themed modules on the Paizo website available for free, if you go to paizo dot com and search on “we be goblins” (include the quote marks).

  44. fposte*

    Looking for commiserations on family drama. A decades long cordial relationship with an in-law looks to be going south after I said something in a visit that apparently hit a nerve (it was a really low stakes request for a subject change). I was immediately frozen out, and family reports a week later that they’re still upset. I texted a nice and sincere apology (it’s a decades-long relationship, I’m not standing on who-did-what ceremony when the goal is to move things forward). Apology was acknowledged with a single word that was pretty clearly not acceptance.

    So I’m at a loss. I’m guessing this is mostly not about me—the IL has a lot of anxiety and is pretty freaked out by 2024–but it’s still got my name on it, and there’s always the possibility I’ve been bugging the crap out of them for some time and it just came to a head. So I feel sad, and guilty, and pissed that a decades long relationship is getting chucked aside so lightly. Sigh. So anybody else had family breaches out of nowhere (weddings dont’t count :-)), preferably ones that healed?

    1. mreasy*

      Depending on the topic, if it was political, a request to stop discussing may have been itself taken as a statement of opposing belief. Unfortunately there are political factions in the US and elsewhere that operate similarly to religious cults – and any, however mild, expression of difference becomes a statement of war in their eyes.

      1. fposte*

        It wasn’t political—we’ve always been in political sync. Maybe it’s impressive that in this day and age families can manage apolitical rifts. Go us.

        1. BikeWalkBarb*

          Go you indeed! My family dramas have arisen from politics and inheritance. The political one resolved much better than the inheritance one.

          What’s your family pattern for disagreements or differences in general with this person or this side of the family? I ask because in my family of origin the biggest issues live on due to longstanding habits of talking *about* people rather than *with* people. It makes it hard for people to handle direct statements because it’s perceived as too assertive or aggressive. The gossip chain keeps stories alive long after they should have resolved.

          Are they in town or close enough that you can reach out and ask directly if they’d be willing to get together for coffee and talk, citing your longstanding relationship and your desire not to have it end?

          One more thought on apologies: I often recommend Danya Ruttenberg’s book On Repentance and Repair. She talks about apology as the last action in a series of things you do to make it right (to the extent you can since you only control you; she’s quite clear that there’s no obligation for people to accept an apology). It starts with owning your part in what happened and committing to change so harm doesn’t happen again. Your long and sincere apology could have been great and yet still could have left them feeling as if whatever it was might come up again, perhaps?

          Good luck. This sounds painful and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with it. Families can be so hard.

          1. fposte*

            That’s a tough one, in that the only way it would never come up again is if I never express a preference without being asked. But the book sounds interesting and I’ll have a look. Thanks for the recommendation and the sympathy!

        2. mreasy*

          Oh wow this is weirdly inexplicable in the absence of politics/religion… has their behavior changed in other ways as far as you can tell? What a strange situation. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this and I hope your IL comes to their senses and resolves things. Could this somehow be a culmination of a simmering resentment you didn’t know about? What a bummer regardless to be treated this way by someone you care about.

    2. tab*

      I have an SIL who is very insecure and I said something that offended her. When she told me that she was hurt, I apologized completely and told her that I would never intentionally hurt her. But it wasn’t enough to placate her, and she could not accept my apology. It took a few weeks, but she finally let it go. I’m sorry that you’re going through that. Some people have wounds that are easily opened. Forgive yourself and give it time. It’s his/her problem to get through. I send you a virtual hug.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Yeah, I agree with tab, fposte. If you have sincerely apologized and the other person can’t let it go, the situation is no longer really your responsibility. You don’t have to twist yourself into knots continuing to apologize to someone who for their own reasons doesn’t want to accept your apology right now.

        And honestly, fposte, if a polite request to change the subject triggered this, it doesn’t sound like you really did anything wrong. Maybe SIL is enjoying having a grievance and accepting your apology would keep her from that enjoyment? But that’s something wrong with her, not with you.

        It’s sad, and often quite frustrating, but we can’t control other people’s feelings. If they are hellbent on being mad at us, then they will continue to do so, which sort of sucks but is also kind of freeing.

    3. Turtle Dove*

      You have my sympathy. I have a relative who has refused to see me for three years (!) over something I said or did that she found offensive. Only she won’t tell me what it is, and I have no idea (nothing I did maliciously, that’s for sure). I feel hurt that I’m being treated like this and heartsick that a lovely relationship is broken. The only suggestion I have is to offer a phone call or meeting. Maybe she wants to be coaxed to talk it out. I did that with my relative a few times, and I think it’s helped. I’m really sorry you’re going through this awfulness.

    4. Dr. Doll*

      You are one of the top ten level-headed and circumpect people I know in my entire circle of acquaintance, so I can’t imagine this is actually about you and your subject change request, fposte.

      Hopefully your IL will simmer down and realize what they have in you. Meanwhile interact as usual, but maybe even a tad warmer and kinder, just a tad?

      Also know that you have tremendous respect here on AAM, I’m sure I can speak for many of us in saying that. /hug

      And, yes, my husband and his brother are in a rough spot right now. It is sad. I’m encouraging him to do much the same as you, be normal but the best version of normal.

      1. WellRed*

        Right?! Foster gives the calm sensible advice. It’s only been a week. Hopefully they will warm up soon.

      2. fposte*

        That is very kind of you to say, and it means a lot to hear right now. I hope eventually you and yours and mine and ours find our way to better times.

        1. Morning Reading*

          I agree with Dr. Doll here, actually twisting into knots trying to imagine our reasonable and wise fposte offending anyone. Someone looking to be offended, I think.

      3. Anonymous cat*

        Re: Fposte and level headed: I totally agree! I’m always impressed by your answers to tricky questions. I may not agree but I appreciate the compassion in them.

        It sounds like you’ve sincerely apologized and she’s refusing to accept it in her heart. And sadly, there’s nothing to do when that happens except carry on politely and hope they get over it.

        I’ve noticed that sometimes people get mad about things that have a particular resonance to them and other people don’t know about it. And nothing you can do will stop that happening. So maybe you just touched a nerve and it will fade in time.

    5. Sage*

      I can empathize; I won’t go into details but I’ll put it this way: I do not care about shoes unless they are on a horse, but when this person dies, I will buy a pair of Christian Louboutin stilettos because they are the closest thing to ruby slippers.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Lol! Reminds me of the student whose ringtone for a relative she had a very strained relationship with was “Ding Dong, the Witch Is Dead.”

    7. Ellis Bell*

      Oh this is always so dismaying when it happens. It sounds like you have a really good handle on the bigger picture; I was thinking “yeah this isn’t about you”, before you said as much yourself. I think having mutually kind thoughts is the way forward, you can be sensitive to the fact that they’re grappling with something without taking on any misplaced guilt or doing a behaviour audit on yourself. If they wanted you to stop doing something they could have asked proactively and if they need you to change your behaviour now, they still have the option of asking you. I’m not sure my example will be all that encouraging to you, because even though the initial breach all settled down with my relative and we moved on, it happened two more times after that first falling out and I wasn’t as wholeheartedly forgiving as I was the first time when I thought it was a one off. I stopped apologising and I just let her have her feelings until she was willing to discuss things with me, which didn’t happen. We drew a line under it, and we still see each other and there’s affection and pleasantness but it’s not close any more and it is sad.

  45. BikeWalkBarb*

    My herb pots are bursting and I need ideas for what to do with it all.

    Especially oregano. I have FAR too much oregano (and why I thought I needed Greek, Italian, Mexican, and golden varieties….I blame the farmers’ market feelings of abundance). Maybe I just give the entire plants away and get down to one variety–which one?

    Lots of tarragon. Barely ever cook with it.

    Lots of sweet marjoram. Use it mostly in one recipe for a seasoning mix so I dry some.

    Basil I can handle making pesto.

    Parsley and mint aren’t a problem.

    I dry the thyme because I use a lot of that.

    The sage just keeps growing into a bush and I’m not worried about keeping up with it.

    I make chimichurri to use some of the oregano and am now playing around with adding tarragon to that. I looked at recipes for tarragon pesto but I feel as if that would be pretty strong. I’ve made fennel frond pesto in the past and it could be a bit much.

    I dry some of what I grow but I don’t need as much as I’m producing and most of these winter over so I can have at least some fresh herbs all year round.

    I give it away on my local Buy Nothing group.

    Abundance shouldn’t be such a problem but somehow it is. If I take care of them the way I’m supposed to I have to cut them back often and then I have all that green stuff. I guess I could just compost it but that hurts my inner food preserver.

    Ideas please! I know dropping a bunch of recipe links will send a comment into moderation but links would be awesome, or point me to the site and recipe name and I’ll ask Dr. Google.

      1. BikeWalkBarb*

        Oh wait, no, it’s fine. Sometimes the display goes wonky, doesn’t it? I thought I had dropped my little herbal abundance “problem” into the family drama question.

    2. Texan In Exile*

      Oregano makes good pesto, too.

      I use my herbs – basil, parsley, cilantro, oregano – as salad greens, too.

    4. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      Oregano is supposed to be antimicrobial/antibacterial. Some people infuse vinegar with it for cleaning and some people grind various herbs and mix with baking soda for cleaning.

      Search for non-food uses if you have an abundance. I know some of the ones you list can be used for pest control and others might have a use for odor.

    5. Girasol*

      Tarragon is good in a chicken stew with veggies and maybe mushrooms, or chicken is a creamy sauce of some kind. Basil pesto, I just discovered when I had to prune mine, is wonderful in a potato and boiled egg salad.

    6. Six Feldspar*

      You can dry the herbs in a low oven for a few hours and have herbs all through the winter, or create “herb rubs” which are basically herbs blended with salt and let dry out, then they can be used on roasted vegetables, eggs, etc

    7. Anono-me*

      If even with all the wonderful suggestions, you still have more than you can use; please consider checking with your local fool shelf (and possibly local house/s of worship that focus on service to others) to see if your extra herbs can be donated.

      1. BikeWalkBarb*

        Great thought. I’ve been posting them on Buy Nothing but we have a community garden that has a food donation shelf. I could dry them and put them there.

    8. Beauty School Dropout*

      I was really into herb “shrubs” for a while (drinks, either alcoholic or nonalcoholic, based on vinegar). Herbal cocktails were really big for a while here and maybe still are (I don’t go out as much these days!).

    9. fallingleavesofnovember*

      For tarragon, try poulet au vinaigre (chicken cooked in white vinegar, with cream and tarragon). One of my favourite new recipes from this past year – I’ve been using the recipe from the Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat cookbook, but I am sure you can find other online! That cookbook does have lots of other suggestions for herb salsas and garnishes.

      1. ThatOtherClare*

        Definitely!

        Also, Bearnaise sauce is another French tarragon-using classic to try whilst dabbling in that direction.

    10. SuprisinglyADHD*

      A lot of fresh herbs freeze well! I pick off the leaves (for cilantro and basil) or pluck the sticks off the big stems (for rosemary, dill, and thyme), and put them in snack-sized ziplock bags, squeeze out ALL the air, and drop them directly in the freezer. I label and date them if I remember, which you might want to if you have multiple varieties of one herb. When I want some I just pull out a few leaves/sticks and put the rest back immediately (they thaw very quickly, which can be an issue if they’re repeatedly thawed and refrozen)

    11. Fellow Traveller*

      Jenny Rosenstrach’s marinated beans uses basil, but I have also subbed oregano. If you google her pizza salad, you’ll find the recipe.

    12. MissB*

      I use a lot of dried herbs in cooking.

      Except for basil, sage and bay, I just snip a bunch, tie each type together using a thread and make a loop and hang the bundle of herbs in a room that doesn’t get a bunch of direct light. Used to hang them from a pot rack in my kitchen until I redid my kitchen and got rid of the rack.

      Once dry, I put them in jars and use them as needed. For rosemary, I definitely take it off the limb/stick/woody branch after it dries. Same goes for thyme and oregano.

      For basil and sage, I use my dehydrator (cosori from Amazon; has stainless inside and racks). It holds color and flavor better than air drying.

      For bay leaves, I pick the young (new) leaves and use a needle and thread to make a necklace to hang. That way each leaf gets dried without touching another leaf. Note that I don’t actually wear the necklace, lol. I just hang it to dry much like thyme or rosemary.

    13. ThatOtherClare*

      Herb butters and herb oils are some alternative preservation methods I haven’t seen above. Many people who might not appreciate or know how to use fresh herbs do appreciate a stick of herb butter to drop into mashed potatoes or a squeezy bottle of oregano oil that they can drizzle around a plate to feel ~fancy~. Tarragon butter is great on fish and chicken.

  46. Texan In Exile*

    Karla in the Washington Post got this question: My co-worker is cheating on his wife with a woman who works at our company.

    The LW wants to know whether to tell the co-worker’s wife.

    In the Post, Karla answers NO! do not tell!

    But then she posted the question on LinkedIn and people have – opinions. Including one woman whose husband I guess cheated on her and they are now divorcing and she said something about how you tell because otherwise you’re at the company summer picnic and everyone knows about your husband and the other woman but you.

    Which is awful – I feel so bad for her – but telling your co-worker’s wife that he’s cheating? I would barely want to tell my best friend.

    What do y’all think?

    1. Oink*

      I don’t want to get involved with other people’s dramas.

      I’d feel sorry for the wife. But I do not owe earth shattering revelations to random spouses of coworkers. Even if I felt compelled to share, there are too many unknown variables with disclosure. What if the coworker smooth talks his way out – then I’m just a crazy shit stirrer? What if the wife becomes emotional and enraged towards me? I don’t want to risk becoming the shot messenger for a casual acquaintance where the cost benefit analysis doesn’t compute at all in my favour.

      Unless I have data to suggest disclosure would not result in adverse consequences for me, my default would be Mind My Own Business.

    2. Serious Pillowfight*

      I agree SOMEONE should tell the wife, but as the husband’s co-worker, would you really want to offer yourself as tribute? Why make your own day-to-day experience at your job so much worse for yourself? I would just minimize or eliminate any contact or interaction with the husband, if I could, to distance myself from the entire situation.

    3. A313*

      I say stay out of it. Without knowing the full story (maybe she already knows and is ok with it; maybe she already knows and is buying time to get her future plans in place), or maybe she wouldn’t want to know, but once she’s told by the LW, she feels she has to act? If the LW doesn’t really know the wife or the full situation, it may not be as helpful as the LW intends, for lots of reasons. It’s messy and icky, and unless there’s reason to suspect her health or safety are at stake, it’s probably best to leave it alone.

      That said, I would want someone to tell me! But if it’s not someone I know well telling me, it would feel suspicious and weird, so I don’t know. Depends on how compelling the proof is, too. In the LW’s position, I would have a hard time knowing about it and saying/doing nothing, though.

      So much to think about!

    4. Everyone is different*

      People do stupid things all the time and while we would like to fix it and make everything be “right” it’s usually nothing that we can fix and most likely will just make things worse.
      My response was No, don’t tell. This is none of your business unless it is effecting your work and then it belongs to management and HR.

    6. Lady Danbury*

      I absolutely would want to know if I were the wife. I absolutely would not tell if I were the coworker. The two things are not mutually exclusive. There’s almost all downside for the coworker (getting involved in drama, wife not believing her, coworker retaliating, etc.) that may have professional or even financial consequences, with minimal upside.

    7. Part time lab tech*

      As a co worker, firmly in MYOB with this caveat. I don’t believe you should outright lie to the wife if asked. If she’s suspicious enough to ask, she shouldn’t be directly gaslit by his colleagues if they know her suspicions are legit. Colleagues could evade “Possible but I wouldn’t know” but not reassure (I’m sure it’s all above board, he’s such an upstanding guy).

    8. Irish Teacher.*

      I think it’s best to stay out of it for a number of reasons.

      Firstly, is the coworker 100% sure he is cheating and the couple don’t have an open relationship or anything like that?

      Secondly, it seems unlikely the wife would believe a random stranger over her own husband. I think if I were married and a stranger contacted me to say my husband was cheating, I’d need a fair bit of convincing. Yeah, I’d probably watch him more closely but I’d also be thinking, well, there’s a very high chance this person is mistaken, as there are a lot of people who assume any friendship between a woman and a man = romance and if I don’t know the person, I can’t know they aren’t somebody who works on that premise. There’s also the possibility that they are trying to stir up trouble for any one of a host of reasons – they hate my husband, the hate the woman they are telling me he’s cheating with, they fancy my husband themself and want to split us up…

      I agree with Part Time Lab Tech that it is different if the wife asks, but I wouldn’t really think it a good idea for a coworker of her husband to contact her out of the blue to tell her.

    9. Ellis Bell*

      I’ve been the woman who is the only one in the crowd not to know about the affair, so I get what the Linkd In commenter is saying, but she is wrong. I’d have a hard time keeping an affair to myself because of my history, but I would endeavour to stay out of it. Also this isn’t something people should feel they have to do in general. You’ve got to do your own due diligence in your relationship it’s really not down to your spouse’s co-workers to alert you. The first response to a warning about your marriage from an unknown source is going to be a dismissive response. It’s also going to rile up the affair partners in a very unpleasant way that is not for the faint hearted and they’ll probably take the affair underground while (actual) gaslighting the shit of the betrayed person in case the temporary spotlight on them revealed anything. It’s not exactly the same as telling someone their relationship is abusive, but there are parallels about it potentially making things worse for them. You’re in a much better position to help and persevere with that help, as a friend.

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      The closer your friendship with the cheated on spouse, the stronger the advice to tell them the rough news.

      This is something where there is notoriously an urge to shoot the messenger, and sometimes the couple stays together which means the person who ratted out the cheater is out in the cold.

      I definitely think the cheater and partner cannot expect all the people they’ve roped in to understand that their role in this drama is to support the cheating and not tell anyone who might hand out awkward consequences. (Usually seems to be some blend of “We are perfectly invisible” and “This is so fun and sexy for our coworkers.”) But it’s reasonable to self preserve and not add yourself to what is frequently a thankless role as messenger–the spouse doesn’t know or trust you, and now there is additional drama at work involving you.

    11. Clisby*

      I think stay out of it. Mainly because it’s in a work context. If the person being cheated on was one of my nearest and dearest friends or relations, then I’d probably tell them – “probably” because I’d have to be 100% sure.

    12. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      From reading the Chump Lady Blog (a community of people who have been cheated on) the virtually unanimous sentiment is that they all wish someone had told them, even if they would not have believed it or acted on it at the time. Tracy (the Chump Lady) also advises finding a way to inform the spouse, including as much concrete information as you have, but then you have to walk away from the outcome. You can provide information, but you can’t make someone act on it. Tracy is not a fan of the anonymous note approach, but in this scenario it seems warranted to protect from fallout at work.

    13. ThatOtherClare*

      This is one of the rare situations where an anonymous letter is a positive ethical choice. If you can’t bring yourself to attach your name to the message, it is most ethical to send an anonymous note. Why? Because of the risk of STDs. Denying her that information is denying her the information that she needs in order to make fully informed and proactive choices about her healthcare, and some STDs can lead to extremely serious health outcomes if left untreated. Even if the anonymous letter just says “FYI you might want to go and ask your doctor for a full STD panel asap”, that’s enough. She can decide if she acts or ignores the warning.

      Not giving her a heads up is the equivalent of not shouting ‘fire’ in a restaurant because “it’s awkward” and you “don’t want to ruin anybody’s evening”. The evening is already ruined, they just don’t know it yet. Yes, you don’t shout fire every time you walk past and see a flame in a venue. We all know that usually it’s just candles or flambé. But if you know the fire is rising up the curtains are you really just going to walk away and let the people burn?

  47. Cheeruson*

    So what does everyone think?

    There is currently a split in our friends group over something one friend, B, and I did. We thought we were doing a good thing and had the best of intentions. However, somehow things went very wrong, possibly through a “telephone game”, where what was initially said was not what was reported to another friend, C. C was very hurt and texted the whole group about how upset she was, she would not be coming to group gatherings, etc. B tried to talk to C and explain, but only got yelled at.

    Both B and I got a text from another friend, D, who does most of the organizing for the group, accusing us of being intentionally hurtful and doing this specifically to cause drama. We have since been dropped from the group, I guess for being the bitches that D thinks we are.

    There are other friends in the group who can see both sides of this, and are making noises about getting us all together to work this out. But I’m okay without working this out. If there are those who believe that B and I would do something this hurtful intentionally, I’m not sure that there is anything to be worked out. At least I’m not ready yet.

    Am I being petty? Noises are being made that if B and I just apologize, all will be well. But I kinda feel that we deserve an apology, too. Darn, being in 6th grade again as a grownup is a pain.

    1. Scientist*

      You haven’t given us enough info to know! What did you and B do? When you and B found out that your well-intentioned thing actually negatively impacted C, did you immediately apologize, or just try to justify?

      1. Someone stole my croissant*

        True. It’s hard to tell if the thing was, tell friend c her husband is cheating, or if you threw friend c a party and she’s super introverted.
        But you may have a point. If you apologize, you’ll probably have to walk on eggshells forever around her and friend d. you can be friends with e, you don’t have to be friends with c and d. I would maybe apologize personally(text or in person) to c, maybe send chocolate or whatever, but slowly distance yourself from c. Do you think c is ever gonna apologize? Probably not.

    2. Freia*

      It all very much depends what you and B did! This isn’t enough info to judge on. You had good intentions, OK, but did you cause harm? Have you made serious, genuine efforts to repair that harm? Does D have reason beyond this to think your actions might be deliberate – past events, perhaps?

      If you are happy to flounce rather than try to fix the harm that has been caused, it doesn’t sound like you really care much about these people, or being a good friend to them. In which case, everyone is probably better off if you do just quit the group.

    3. Maggie*

      I would need to have any information whatsoever about what was said and done to give any guidance.

    4. WellRed*

      Even with such a paucity of information, I really don’t see how you think anyone owes YOU an apology. For whatever reason, C is hurt, D agrees with her. The rest are split and you’ve taken an aggressive stance. You may not have had the intention to cause hurt, but ya did. Is C supposed to apologized for that. If these people mean something to you, quit digging your heels in.

      1. Saturday*

        I don’t know – D’s accusations that they did something awful intentionally and just wanted to cause drama could potentially be pretty out of line. That’s really jumping to the worst conclusion, which you’d hope wouldn’t happen with a friend.

        1. Irish Teacher.*

          I think that really depends both on what Cheeruson and B did and on what D was told Cheeruson and B did. For example, if it was a case of them warning C that her husband was cheating but it got passed on to D as they told C a lie about her husband in order to split them up.

          D may have jumped to major conclusions and been extremely unfair to Cheeruson and B, but on the other hand, their conclusion may have been a perfectly reasonable one, given the information they had. It’s hard to tell from the info we have.

    5. Lizabeth*

      Too much for me – is this the first time this type of drama has happened? Or does it happen on a regular basis. It does not sound like you are being given the “benefit of doubt” over the situation. And playing telephone has muddied up the facts.

      That said I’m dealing with a couple of 75+ age mean girls within my HOA. So no, some people do not get better over time.

    6. Irish Teacher.*

      As others have said, there really isn’t enough information to say.

      I think, no matter what, you and B owe C an apology and that should probably have been the first response once C texted the whole group. I assume B apologised as well as explaining to C? If not, then I can see how it could have come across as B making excuses rather than acknowledging that C was upset.

      Beyond that, it really does depend on what you and B did. If this was something where it was completely misrepresented, like you and B were planning a surprise party for C, but somehow this got passed around as you were organising a party for everybody and not inviting C, then the explanation should have been enough. On the other hand, if if was something like…the example somebody gave below of you planning a surprise party for C when you knew C hated parties, then yeah, there should probably have been more of an apology.

      1. Charley*

        I would start by taking some time for everyone to cool down. I think having it out in a big discussion with everyone creates a risk for escalation, and just sounds counter productive. Give C and D some space for now.

        While you’re leaving them alone, check in with yourself and see if you miss them and how much, if so. If you find yourself thinking of them, maybe the relationship is worth the effort to repair. If you find you don’t miss them at all, would you feel ok with quietly letting them go?

        Also, during this time, I would encourage you to do some self reflection. Is this a fluke, or do you have a pattern of upsetting people with well meaning actions? Do you tend to act impulsively? Can you usually predict/imagine how people will feel about things, or is that something that’s hard for you? If you’re not sure, I’d try talking these things through with a trusted friend who is 0% involved in the current drama.

        C and D might be taking things in poor faith, and your relationship may not be the strongest, but they also might have a point about how you’ve interacted with them, and those things don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

  48. Elle*

    Looking for summer non fiction reading recs for my 8th grader, who has no clue what she wants to read. It’s for school. She’s already read Anne Frank and Hidden Figures. Anything the 8th graders in your lives has liked lately?

    1. GoryDetails*

      I’m very fond of Nathan Hale’s Hazardous Tales – history in graphic-novel format, ranging from the first book, One Dead Spy, introducing the historic Nathan Hale, and proceeding back and forth through history with each book. There’s one on the Donner Party, one on Civil War ironclads, another focusing on Harriet Tubman, and more. They mix snarky humor with impressively detailed history.

    2. FACS*

      Radium Girls and The Poisoner’s Handbook (great and entertaining tale about the development of modern toxicology)
      The Boys in the Boat not the movie, the book. my children just could not put it down

    3. Mrs. Frisby*

      Steve Sheinkin is the best–Bomb, Most Dangerous, Fallout: all excellent, excellent nonfiction that reads like fiction.
      I also loved All Thirteen by Christina Soontornvat about the Thai boys soccer team trapped in the cave and their rescue–it’s such a compelling read.

    4. Reba*

      I remember being into Bill Bryson as a young teen. If into history, some Mary Beard could be in order. I also LOVED Thomas Cahill’s popular history series, they are wonderful (except for when he goes on tangents against Islam in the Medieval book).
      For science and society, “Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks” by Rebecca Skloot and anything by Mary Roach. “Immortal Life” is complicated but there is the movie and lots of reading group guides that would support.

        1. BikeWalkBarb*

          Gulp: Adventures on the Alimentary Canal was the last one by her that I read. This is reminding me to go back and read more of her books. Gulp is fascinating and funny. The section about taste includes information on developing pet food flavors (with ingredients and descriptions designed to appeal to the humans buying the food).

      2. Small town*

        Bill Bryson is always a great choice. “Home” is incredible interesting about how we developed our modern day rooms with segregated purposes. I live by the Appalachian parkway and his description of my part of the world as “effected by many generations of profoundly unbiblical sex” made me laugh out loud. I used “Packing for Mars” as a basis for an anatomy talk to 8th graders and they did not want to leave when the bell rang. Methan is apparently hilarious.

        1. Anonymous cat*

          The Australia one made an impression on me! He had at least a chapter on animals and plants that want to get you!

      3. ThatOtherClare*

        Bill Bryson’s ‘A Short History Of Nearly Everything’ was one of my favourite books at that age.

      2. Not A Manager*

        Lies My Teacher Told Me, by James Loewen

        A People’s History of the United States, Howard Zinn

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          *Stamped: Racism, Antiracism, and You: A Remix of the National Book Award-winning Stamped from the Beginning*, *A Queer History of the United States,* *Strangers from a Different Shore: A History of Asian Americans*

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      What If? Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Questions by Randall Munroe.

      How fast can you hit a speed bump while driving and live?
      If there was a robot apocalypse, how long would humanity last?
      What if I took a swim in a spent nuclear fuel pool?

    7. BikeWalkBarb*

      What’s her general reading level and what are her interests? I was a very advanced reader at an early age. In eighth grade if you’d given me a nonfiction book about anything I was deeply interested in I would have made my way through it even if I had to look words up.

      Not recently eighth-grader tested, just some ideas–

      The Climate Book: The Facts and the Solutions, by Greta Thunberg, and other books by younger authors.

      I Am Malala: How One Girl Stood Up for Education and Changed the World, by Malala Yousafzai

      Wheels of Change: How Women Rode the Bicycle to Freedom (With a Few Flat Tires Along the Way) by Sue Macy.

      It’s been quite a while since I read Garbology: Our Dirty Love Affair with Trash, by Edward Humes, but that might be worth checking out. More recently I read his book Door to Door: The Magnificent, Maddening, Mysterious World of Transportation. Maybe she’s a future planner or engineer or policymaker who can cut down the millions of miles that go into bringing us our cellphones and coffee.

      One I read recently and found really interesting for its discussions of textiles, labor exploitation and more even though it’s ostensibly a how-to book: Mend!: A Refashioning Manual and Manifesto by Kate Sekules. Lots of awesome illustrations of very cool projects turning holes, rips and tears into artistic adornment. If she’s at all interested in sewing I’d recommend it (and then expect to be asked to buy embroidery thread and other supplies).

    8. Anonymous cat*

      The All Creatures Great and Small series by James Herriot.

      There are also collections of his stories if you want something shorter.

  49. Red Sky*

    An update to the electronic lock question I asked on last weekends thread, we purchased a Yale – Assure Lock 2 – Smart Lock Wi-Fi Deadbolt with Push Button Keypad. Installation was fairly easy and took about an hour (there was a lot of measuring and double checking to make sure our door configuration would fit with this lock before we cut open the sealed plastic pack the lock itself was in just in case it wouldn’t fit and we had to return it). I’ve installed dumb locks and door knobs before and the process wasn’t too much different. There are installation videos online so I think anyone can do it if they have the patience, tools, and the time. I did have to chisel out the hole where the deadbolt goes into the door frame to make it deeper and that was the only hitch in the process, but not a big one. Setting up the app and preferences took about 1/2 hour, but I’m slow with technology so I’m sure it can be done much faster.

    So far I’ve really liked the convenience, I’ve got it set up so it recognizes/tracks my phone and will automatically unlock when I return home, if I don’t have my phone I can use my code, and it locks on it’s own after a set period of time after the door being closed. I can also lock/unlock using the app when I’m not there, but haven’t used that function yet other than to test it out. Spouse doesn’t want the app on his phone so he just uses a code. There’s a few other bells and whistles in the app (entry and exit log, temp codes etc), but not sure how much use we’ll get out of them, time will tell.

    So far I’m really glad we made the switch, the biggest challenge has been remembering not to lock the bottom dumb doorknob lock (force of habit is strong) which requires digging out our keys to unlock, we’ll probably replace that knob with a non-locking handle at some point.

    1. Smith*

      There were articles recently about an easy way burglars are defeating these electronic locks — by hacking into the house’s wifi and turning it off, I think. There’s a way to prevent this, you might want to google it. A friend of mine modified their system accordingly but I can’t possibly explain how to do it. I think the article was in the Los Angeles Times but there are probably others.

  50. Bibliovore*

    a post on Pay Dirt at Slate about Wills and heirs and who is owed what.
    The gist is that a father remarried when his children were elementary aged.
    The children are now adults.
    The father is 76 and his wife (the two son’s stepmother) is around 60.
    The son who wrote in feels entitled to 1/3 of the father’s estate and his brother 1/3 and the widow 1/3 when the father dies.
    At the present it seems that the father’s wishes are that after he dies his wife receives everything and that when she dies what remains goes to the sons.
    As a widow I was appalled at the expert response. And angry.
    When my father died, his estate went to his wife (my stepmother) and when she died (20 years later), what was left was divided between his four kids and her daughter. It didn’t occur to me that it should be otherwise.
    Your thoughts?

    1. Lifelong student*

      A little confusing- did they have two children together? Will the wife/stepmother have contributed to the household over the years. Was her daughter part of the household? If the answer to all is yes- then splitting five ways seems to be the correct thing to do.

      1. Cj*

        there aren’t five kids in the pay dirt column.

        Bilbliovore was talking about her own father’s estate at the end where she mentioned five kids.

    2. Esprit de l'escalier*

      Obligatory disclaimer, I am not a lawyer, but I believe this is correct: No-one is *owed* anything when their parent dies. It belonged to the parent and the parent had the right to distribute it as they saw fit, assuming the parent was of sound mind when they made the will.

      The son who thinks he and his brother are each entitled to one-third of the estate might have been influenced by the inheritance laws in his state. In my state, if someone dies without a will the estate is distributed as this son thinks it should be — 2/3rds to the children and 1/3 to the surviving spouse. But if there’s a will this sort of law is irrelevant, as the will says how the decedent wanted to distribute their estate and that is that. Of course this has nothing to do with hurt feelings and family drama, just what is legal.

    3. Cj*

      what was the experts response?

      I think that it should be like this father’s wishes are now, but he should transfer his assets to a trust to make sure they go to his kids after he dies. otherwise she could decide to leave it to her biological kids if she has any, or charity, or whoever else she wants to. or if she dies without a will, it would go to her closest blood relatives.

      And when I say his assets, I’m talking about assets he brought to the marriage, not assets/money that were accumulated during their marriage. if there is a situation like he owned a business before they were married and it was sold during their marriage, I would consider the investments that were made with the proceeds from the sale to be something he brought to the marriage.

      also, in my opinion, the trust should be structured so that she has pretty much total use of the money during her lifetime, including for things that his kids my consider to be unnecessary/luxury stuff.

      their personal residence can be more complicated, like if he owned their house before they were married but they both paid the mortgage. Or if they each had a house, sold them both and purchased a different one to live in. But that can all be figured out too with a good estate planner and attorney.

      1. Cj*

        side note: I read pay dirt, but I either missed this one, or it was a Slate Plus article, and I didn’t renew my subscription.

        anyway, the columnist seems to know very, very little about so much of the stuff in this column. and a lot of it isn’t geared towards actual financial advice, but towards relationship issues that are (or sometimes aren’t!) related to money.

    4. Small town*

      Well, I did not read the expert response. It seems that the stepmom was in the children’s lives for many years. It makes sense that the estate serves her during her life then goes to the children after. I cannot imagine cutting her far down after many years. Some folks (the “children” have a petty greed )

    5. Glomarization, Esq.*

      > father’s wishes are that after he dies his wife receives everything and that when she dies what remains goes to the sons

      So after Husband passes away and has left everything to Wife, that means that everything belongs to Wife, period. She can do what she pleases with it. She can spend it all on herself, donate it all to a cult, give it to relatives in her family of origin, light it on fire. If Husband wants anything to go to the children, then he needs to provide for them in his will now, or he needs to put assets for them into a trust where a trustee will control and direct the assets. (He could leave Wife a “life estate” in the assets and then direct that the assets go to the children after Wife’s death; but that won’t prevent Wife from spending it all so that nothing is left for the children.)

      Yes, American law in any state, except Louisiana IIRC, allows a parent to disinherit any or all of their children — any or all children can be disinherited and no child is legally entitled to an inheritance at all. The Canadian rule is different and varies by province. In some provinces, you can’t legally disinherit a dependant child, but you can disinherit an adult child; in others (looking at you, B.C.) you have to write your will carefully in order to disinherit an adult child.

      > When my father died, his estate went to his wife (my stepmother) and when she died (20 years later), what was left was divided between his four kids and her daughter.

      That was the decent thing for your stepmother to do, but it wasn’t legally required.

      1. Lady Danbury*

        This 100%. Nobody is owed anything on their parent’s death, but if dad wants anything to go to his kids then he absolutely needs to take legal steps to ensure that it happens. That may include dividing the estate in his will, setting up trusts or life interests, etc. I’m a lawyer and my brother is a therapist and we’ve seen this exact situation go wrong countless times, where one parent expects the step to provide for the children and then it doesn’t happen.

        This is also a conversation that married couples need to have, because this situation also happens when an elderly widow/widower remarries after their kids are adults. Having the hard conversations early, when both spouses are alive, allows you to put estate planning vehicles such as irrevocable trusts in place before there is a step parent involved.

      2. Jay (no, the other one)*

        It’s actually in trust and the wife/widow gets the use of the house and the income on the trust. After her death it passes to the kids.

    6. fhqwhgads*

      Thing is, if he wants anything to go to his kids, he should leave it to his kids. As far as I know, there’s no such thing as “all to her but when she dies she has to then leave the rest to them”. He can tell her that’s what he wants. She can agree to it. But there’s no way to MAKE it happen.
      So, basically, the father’s wishes don’t make sense. Normally I’d say, his money, he does what he wants and if he wants to not include his sons, that’s his business. But it sounds like he doesn’t want to exclude them. But his approach very much leaves the possibility of excluding them. That doesn’t necessarily mean the father should do what the one son is suggesting. But this is not a “one is obviously right and the other obviously wrong” situation.

    7. WellRed*

      I don’t think the anyone has any right of inheritance expectations but your unfortunate experience highlights why it’s important to stay on top of the deets. You had more right to your dads estate than his wife’s kids.

      1. Bibliovore*

        No. I wasn’t clear. This wasn’t my situation except that when my father died, my stepmother received all of his assets and when she died twenty years later the assets were split between my fathers biological children and my stepsister. I supported this wholeheartedly.
        In the original posting on Slate- the sons of the father (who may die before the stepmother) were resentful that when their dad died they would have to wait until the step-mother died to receive an inheritance. There were no “step-siblings” in the picture.

        In my own case, I am sympathetic to the step mother who wasn’t “recently in the picture” that she should continue to live the life they had together after the father’s death. (and yes, that will take his money)

        In my own case all I kept thinking is that my husband and I were a partnership. This is the life we built together. In my case one of his brothers felt he had a right to portion of Mr. Bibliovore’s estate. And had no understanding of my own financial difficulties related to Mr. Bibliovore’s death.
        Mr. Bibliovore was also around the age of the Slate poster’s father. I am around the age of the step parent. The columnist was encouraging an “estate planning” conversation. It seemed to me there was a plan. The son just didn’t like it.

      2. Bibliovore*

        I hear what you are saying but don’t agree. I was privileged know my stepmother who my father loved with all his heart and soul. Who welcomed me and my brothers into her home and family. I was gifted with an older sister whose wise counsel and friendship I value above all material goods.
        Why wouldn’t I want my father’s estate provide for my step-mother in her aging years?

    8. Random grooming question*

      My husband and his stepmother are set to split everything 50/50. But….his dad has put many things (properties) in joint ownership with the stepmother. So she will have all of that. When we married, my husband said we should never count on any inheritance because his dad had a way of withdrawing support if we didn’t do what he wanted. Now his dad is trying everything in he can to avoid paying taxes. And we are just grateful that the stepmother is still around to deal with his dad. We don’t need it, and it will be a big job to settle it all eventually. It’s going to be a because they are both hoarders. Her parents house sits empty more than a decade because she and her brother can’t make decisions. According to recent reports, it’s all a giant moldy mess. But, in some states, a widow can elect against the will and get at least half, because the state doesn’t want to have widows being destitute.

    9. Moonstruck*

      No one is owed anything. And I say that as someone who will probably inherit a good deal of money someday. If my relative decides to spend it before then, remarry and leave it to the new spouse, or whatever — that’s their money.

      1. Moonstruck*

        In fact, my spouse’s dad did remarry, and told us (with a smile) that he and his new wife were going to “spend (spouse’s) inheritance.” And they did — cruises, etc. My spouse and I were cool with that. Dad deserved to be happy! And we didn’t “deserve” any inheritance.

    10. Florence Reece*

      I realize this is a very different scenario, but my only experience with inheritance is my mom (and her siblings) being well and truly screwed out of what their parents intended them to have. My grandma died ~10 years before I was born. My grandpa died when I was 7 and my mom (the youngest of his children) was in her late 40s. He remarried sometime between my birth and his death, to someone who was roughly the age of his oldest child so…mid-60s.

      He and my grandma had built a literal home for the whole family, on a big plot of forest land that he spent his retirement tending. My uncle and his wife lived there; my cousins and I visited with our parents every year or two until Grandpa’s death. I’ll admit that I’m biased, because as a young autistic kid that’s where I learned so much of my special interest in nature and ecology and conservation. It was one of the only peaceful places in my life. It was where I felt loved and free and accepted.

      My grandpa meant well, and I know he must have believed his new wife would carry out his wishes for his children. He did put that money into a trust for his children’s safekeeping, but as someone else mentioned, his new wife has nearly unfettered access to spend that money as she pleases. The present tense might tip you off that my mom and aunts, 25 years later, have seen barely any of that money as she’s still the primary trustee. My uncle died before he received what his father intended him to have — and before that, in the midst of cancer, he was evicted from his home on our familial land because my step-grandmother sold it out from under all of us. To a tree-logging cow farm, the absolute antithesis of what my grandpa wanted for 100 acres of forest he spent nearly 20 years preserving. His wife, a 70-something woman, has to live with supportive community members because she isn’t even eligible to ask the trust for help anymore after his death. My aunt is currently dying of cancer and has had to beg for money to support her treatment, to which my step-grandmother occasionally acquiesces with great fanfare about how generous she is. My step-grandma spends most of the trust’s money on her own adult children, who we were never allowed to meet.

      I’m not saying it’s a good or right thought, but I have heard the refrain “I hope that old [expletive] dies” from EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY for most of my life because my grandfather trusted that his much-younger step-mother-to-his-children would care for them the way he cared for them. She hasn’t and she wasn’t legally obligated to despite his explicit wishes. She didn’t know them in childhood so I’m sure she feels less moved by the responsibility he placed on her, but even if she had — some people just will not carry out those wishes. She was very, very aware of what my grandpa wanted, and she’s taken advantage in direct contradiction to that for most of my life.

      I don’t think there’s any set of rules around wills and inheritance that will satisfy all parties, ever. To me, it’s clear that my step-grandmother didn’t deserve the trust my grandpa placed in her, and their marriage was relatively short-lived in comparison to his relationship to his adult children. But how would you possibly quantify that? At what year marker or relationship milestone does that new relationship outweigh the needs and rights of your kids? And that aside, how do you navigate different dynamics within your family? My uncle didn’t receive an inheritance but he did get to live on the family land rent-free for two decades while his sisters built their lives elsewhere — how does that factor in? It’s exacerbated by the situation with my step-grandma, but my mom and aunts bickered over how much he deserved from what was left every few years. My mom turned on me and my brother, once, because she predicted (likely correctly) that we’d end up receiving her share of her own inheritance because she thinks she’ll die before her step-mother will. That sucks! Not just because of her reaction, but because we experienced pretty severe poverty in the interim and my mom was, literally, entitled to the money her father set aside to make sure she would never experience that. Or at least she was intended to be.

      I don’t think I’ve ever heard an inheritance story where someone doesn’t walk away unhappy about the result. You relate to this based on your experiences; others will relate in radically different ways based on theirs. It’s a tough situation and ideally our ailing loved ones would use the legal tools available to ensure their wishes are carried out. “I give it all to my wife and she’ll definitely do what I ask decades later” is not a solid tool, though. It’s nice when it happens but I can absolutely understand the hesitance that it *won’t*. Consider that most of these conversations start in the deep throes of grief, and you can see how people break into “sides” feeling that they don’t even get the support they expected as they process their loved one’s death. Our individual experiences mean a lot to us but realistically, there’s no way to apply one standard to every family.

      1. Cj*

        I do actually have an inheritance story where nobody was unhappy. well, at least not minding my sisters inheritance anyway.

        my Mom, who was a widow, married a widower when they were both 69. the money they had at the time they were married was kept in their individual names, and the accounts were pay on death to my sister and I, and his accounts pay on death to his children, so it went to the kids automatically when each of them died.

        since what was earned on those Investments was reinvested, that wasn’t an issue as far as a fact that it was money they got after they were married.

        they were both retired, and mostly lived on their social security benefits, which just basically covered their expenses, so there were no joint Investments when they died less than a year apart to fight over.

        They each owned a house when they got married, sold it and purchased a different one. when my stepfather died, it was deeded to their children, 50% in his kids names, and 50% and mine in my sisters name, and my mother retained a life estate.

        I thought I would add this even if it doesn’t have anything to do with the and inheritance fight. when they got married, my step siblings thought my mom would try to take all of his money. her assets were about the same as his, but they apparently didn’t think this was possible.

        I felt sorry for my stepfather about this part, but he was scammed out of his money and there was nothing left of it when he died, so his kids got nothing other than their share from the sale of their house. because his kids had been so sure that he had so much more money than my mom, and because a couple of them were assholes in general, I did feel sorry for them at all.

    11. One Experience*

      Speaking as a person whose widowed father (age 72) married a widow (age 60) when I was in my 40s. Each had children. They also were fairly well-matched in terms of savings. They each made wills and trusts and left something to the other spouse (life estate in house, a joint account, etc.) but the bulk of each estate went to the kids. My dad died but my stepmom is still alive. It worked well because they discussed it before they married. Also in their case (and in most, I think) in their first marriages, their spouses left everything to them. But it would never have been my mom’s or my stepmom’s first husband’s intention for all of their joint assets (and today there are probably fewer couples who have a majority of joint assets) to go to a second spouse and bypass their children entirely. And you can’t dictate what that spouse would do after you die. That, I think is the root of the problem.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        This is also why my grandmother stopped marrying her beaux after the third husband died and just started shacking up with them instead – she got tired of redoing her wills and trusts to make sure her assets would go to her children exclusively. (My dad’s family tends to be long-lived, and gran never did well single.)

    12. Ochre*

      Interestingly, there actually seems to be an expectation that the spouse *will* be the beneficiary. When my father remarried he wanted to name his 2 children (we were both adults) and his new wife as equal beneficiaries. Because this would give her less than 50% of his estate, he was required to have her sign some sort of form acknowledging that she was aware of this fact. It may have just been one particular investment company that requires this, but it definitely implies there’s an expectation that the spouse will be the beneficiary.

      1. Paint N Drip*

        I work in the financial realm and yes, because of the laws in some places and legal precedence set in others, the spouse is assumed to be the beneficiary AND we cover our butts with a signature from the spouse if needed.
        I always think, it wasn’t that long ago that a man could change that form and leave his wife (who withdrew from the ‘financially productive’ elements of her life to serve him, birth and raise his children, keep their home..) destitute without her knowledge. Of course stranger scams are common enough, but now we know that abusers (physical, financial, elder) are most often intimately known to the victim – the industry tries to keep people from getting fleeced by their own family with these consent rules, even though a lot of them are based on assumptions of the ‘default’ which may or may not apply to your situation at all.

    13. BikeWalkBarb*

      When I married my husband each of us had two kids who were young/tweens. We’ve been good stepparents to each other’s children and we think of them all as our collective family.

      We’re not wealthy. We’re pretty firmly middle class and hope not to end up impoverished by the costs of aging in the US. I’ve earned more of the money during our marriage but that’s irrelevant. I’ve been able to do so because my sweetheart was willing to move more than once for my career and he does many, many things that make our household economy and systems function. We’re an economic unit.

      Each of us has life insurance and our plan is that when one of us dies, their biological children get some immediate funds from the life insurance (a decent chunk; still discussing amount, maybe $50K apiece). The rest goes to the surviving spouse. When we’re both gone whatever remains of the total estate will be divided equally among the four children.

      This way my kids and his kids each get something because their bio-parent is gone and wanted to help them immediately, not later. But it doesn’t leave the remaining spouse impoverished. Given the cost of extended care, assisted living, and everything else that can happen as we age, and the fact that the grown children have years of earning power ahead of them that the surviving spouse doesn’t, this will use our assets to take care of ourselves and not be a financial burden to those same kids, or so we hope.

      Now to get all this into an updated will. We’ve discussed it and we agree; we need to set up the legal systems, probably a revocable trust to go along with the will.

    14. Rhymetime*

      Bibliovore, I didn’t read the Slate piece but I agree that the individual who wrote the letter is misguided. I share your perspective that the surviving spouse should be the heir and when they pass, whatever is left goes to children and stepchildren equally. But this assumes trust and integrity, which in the case of my father’s widow wasn’t there.

      My father had me and three siblings with our mom before they divorced. His second wife had three kids. He was the money-earner for the two of them as a couple. When we were all adults, they both made a point to explain that their wills said the surviving spouse would eventually leave whatever they had to all seven offspring. That made sense to all of us. If his wife had died first, I’m sure that would have happened when he eventually died, but it was the other way around and he died first.

      She was a self-centered individual who was unkind to the four of us all the way back to when we were kids. Our dad chose to be fine with that. We four and her three kids actually got along fine as we became adults, but her own kids had challenges with their mom’s character as well.

      By the time my dad’s second wife died, she had changed her will to leave everything only to the one son who had catered to her selfish whims, cutting out not only us but her other two kids. That son was as unkind as his mom, giving his sister just a couple hours to take a few things she may have wanted. She thoughtfully salvaged a few things that had belonged to my dad in case my siblings and I were interested in them. Her brother sold the house and everything in it without offering a penny to his siblings or to us and stopped communicating with all of us.

    15. Ellis Bell*

      I often think it’s ghoulish when offspring try to guess how much will be left for them upon the demise of a parent. Not always, sometimes there are logistics to worry about, but some people put blinkers on to the fact that a parent might need all the money in their estate in order to look after themselves and their spouse in old age. There’s an argument to be made that if the father *wants* money to go to his children he might need to specify that in a will, but if he wants the money to support his widow and to be used entirely at her discretion, that’s his right.

    16. RagingADHD*

      I think if the father is still living and cares about his emotional legacy, he needs to invest some time into talking with his kids about his values and why he is making these choices with his estate plan.

      If the kid is upset because he is resentful of his stepmother, there is something wrong in the relationship and money doesn’t make that better (but often makes it worse).

    17. Anonymous cat*

      When I see estates questions for people who aren’t millionaires, I always wonder if they’ve realized how much end of life costs can run to? There might not BE an estate to inherit.

      When my mom passed, I was just glad her estate covered her bills and funeral expenses.

      (I know i wasn’t legally on the hook for any debts but I didn’t want to deal with fighting any companies about that.)

      1. Bibliovore*

        This- If we had kids, there would be no inheritance. I covered the funeral and all of that stuff and am just managing the expenses to stay in the house. I covered the travel costs of family and lodgings so that people (family and friends) could come for the funeral service. This was something we had planned for. I am on facebook groups with widows who have lost their homes because they are still working but lost the second income or family members claimed their right to inherit and there was no will or trust and nothing was in their own name.

    18. Camelid coordinator*

      We are tackling this question in real time. My dad and his partner have been together over 40 years, and most of the money has come from my dad. My dad and his partner recently remade their wills so that she gets everything upon his passing (which is very likely to happen first) and then upon the passing of the other partner what is left is divided equally between their 7 grandchildren (4 on her side, 3 on ours). My brother feels like that arrangement doesn’t acknowledge that most of the money came from my dad, and he worries she will just change things anyway. I am glad they have it settled and am not sure it is worth fighting about. But I’ve always been more of a peacemaker.

    19. Clisby*

      If he left his estate to his wife, then she has it. She can leave it to anyone she likes. She then left it to the blended-family kids – why would anyone object to that?

  51. Lady Danbury*

    To piggybank off the Nokbox conversation, does anyone have a digital version that they use and like? I’m thinking of the myriad of online passwords that I have, some of which I’d like someone to be able to access after my death. For security reasons, the passwords change frequently enough that I wouldn’t want to have to rely on updating them in a written file (not to mention potential security issues).

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I keep my online passwords in a password storage system (I use the one built into iCloud, but there are a variety of them), which does mean that anyone with both physical and password access to my computer can get them to auto-fill on the correct websites. My husband and I have an envelope locked in our safe labeled “Open in case of a freak umbrella accident” that contains an index card for each of us with the passwords to our computers, phones, and tablets, as well as the “I forgot my password” security q&a for the computers and anything else that would not be accessible with both physical and password access to those devices. (We open it, review our own info and re-seal it annually, but the security q&a are included in case the password was changed since the last review.)

      Yes, that does mean that it’s written down in plain text, but if someone is in our house long enough to find the safe, open the safe, and find the envelope, we’ve got bigger problems than someone accessing one of our computers, and mine are remotely wipe-able anyway. :P

      1. Bibliovore*

        Mr. Bibliovore was well-organized and most everything was accessible to me with the exception of a few random passwords. It was like playing the Newlywed Game and I won. I knew ALL of his secret words from the clues on the websites.

        1. Esprit de l'escalier*

          Similar, but one of his security questions had two equally good answers and I knew both of them. Fortunately the person on the phone who was asking me the question let me guess both possibilities and one was correct. (Really they were both correct :)

          Fortunately Mr. Esprit always provided the true answer to these questions. In the early years of security questions I often invented answers, feeling aggrieved about that extra layer of security, but nowadays I answer truthfully in case my son ever needs to answer them, or for that matter if I ever have to.

          1. Bibliovore*

            Yes- I did have an insurance log in that I had to talk to the person on the phone and she was very kind as I talked through the different iterations of the name of his highschool.

    2. ThatOtherClare*

      I’m a fan of Bitwarden, mostly because it’s free and I can export all my passwords as a text file if I need them for some unforeseen reason.

      1. anon24*

        Love Bitwarden. Also you can designate a person who is the emergency contact of your account, which means that if you die or are incapacitated they provide proof and after a period of time you preset they will receive access to your vault. All they need is to have an account ahead of time and you just pre-designate them your takeover person and that person approves it, then you’re all set up in case of emergency.

    3. Cj*

      Norton vault. I have it as part of my Norton antivirus software. the person you want to be able to access your passwords only has to have the password to your vault.

    4. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I’ve been happy using Last Pass to store all of my passwords. If you have passwords to open your phone or other handheld devices, be sure to include them as well.

    5. Anonymous Educator*

      For a dedicated password manager, I’d recommend 1Password. Honestly, though, you can even just use a web browser (e.g., Chrome or Firefox). The web browser will save your password and even suggest randomly generated passwords for you when you’re creating or updating online accounts.

  52. One Experience*

    Speaking as a person whose widowed father (age 72) married a widow (age 60) when I was in my 40s. Each had children. They also were fairly well-matched in terms of savings. They each made wills and trusts and left something to the other spouse (life estate in house, a joint account, etc.) but the bulk of each estate went to the kids. My dad died but my stepmom is still alive. It worked well because they discussed it before they married. Also in their case (and in most, I think) in their first marriages, their spouses left everything to them. But it would never have been my mom’s or my stepmom’s first husband’s intention for all of their joint assets (and today there are probably fewer couples who have a majority of joint assets) to go to a second spouse and bypass their children entirely. And you can’t dictate what that spouse would do after you die. That, I think is the root of the problem.

    1. allathian*

      It’s one reason why I’m glad I’m in a culture where kids are the primary heirs, and if you have descendants, you can only will half of your property elsewhere, the kids are always entitled to their legal share (half of what they’d get without the will).

    2. Beauty School Dropout*

      Yea. I can’t understand the people who expect their parent to leave a long-term spouse insecure in order to benefit children (taking the house from the widow/er, say). Children are not entitled to expect any inheritance, and this day and age we should all just be hoping our parents saved enough to get themselves through retirement and end of life honestly. However, I understand how it happens it if the last marriage was short or there was a lot of animosity between the kids and the stepparent, or if there are step children involved, or if a good chunk of the funds are coming from another parent. It’s tough.

  53. Ali + Nino*

    I want to send a gift to a couple who did my family a big favor. We don’t know them well at all (they are friends of my cousin’s) and they live in another state. What would you recommend as a thank you gift? So far all I can think of is fruit/food basket or flowers.
    They are in their 60s with grown children out of the house, no pets..I don’t know about allergies or dietary restrictions which gives me pause regarding a food basket.

    1. Part time lab tech*

      Would they like tickets to some kind of entertainment? I rarely go but would still like even local theatre or performance other as a present.

      1. AskFirst*

        You’re assuming they’ll go out. Many older folks I know are still not doing anything with a crowd, especially indoors. Plus do you know their tastes in entertainment? I would not do something like this without specifically clearing it with them first.

    2. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      How well does your cousin know them? Enough to say something like “they are lovely people, always fostering kittens/ helping out at the local food kitchen” for example? If you can find out something like that, perhaps you could make a donation on their behalf to something they support.

    3. MP*

      I’d do a gift card to a local coffee shop or restaurant! I know they live far but I’d assume your cousin can make a recommendation or you can Google what’s good near by.

    4. Beauty School Dropout*

      I agree a food basket is always nice as a go-to gift for someone you don’t know well, and if it’s not their speed they’ll still hear the “thank you” even as they give the actual food to someone else / put it out at a party or whatever. I suppose someone would say a gift card is more generally useful, and the visa gift cards probably have the broadest appeal, but it always feels a bit off to me to send essentially cash as a thank you. That may be cultural.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      I like the food basket because it’s often directly welcome, and when that fails often can be handed on to people who will appreciate it, so that feels nice. (My nut-allergic son-in-law handed off a gift basket with nuts to spouse and I, who have no allergies; one of my fellow cancer patients lined up a neighboring family with teens to absorb the baked goods she wasn’t eating.)

      When you don’t know what specifically they would like, “it’s the thought that counts” becomes much more true. I think it’s socially smoother to give something many people enjoy than to ask a lot of questions about preferences, which can feel like they WILL like this gift.

    6. Esprit de l'escalier*

      Given that you don’t know them and don’t know what they’re sensitive or allergic to (and that includes flowers), I think the safest and always appreciated thing is to write them a really nice thank-you letter. I have kept that kind of letter to re-read for years, whereas flowers and food are long gone and long forgotten.

    8. ThatOtherClare*

      Do you make anything? Handmade gifts are always well received even if they’re not the person’s style, because the recipient knows that you thought of them the whole time it took to [paint the watercolour/crochet the tea cosy/knit the scarf/sew the wheat pack/inlay the wooden box/etc] – so they feel valued (even if the gift itself is something they’d never have bought).

    9. Ali + Nino*

      Thanks everyone! I ended up ordering a gift basket that includes a bottle of wine, which I’m 90% sure they will use, and some gourmet snacks, which they can pass along to their kids, grandkids, and/or guests if they choose. I included a heartfelt note expressing our thanks, so hopefully a good combination.

  54. Medusette*

    Any feminist book recs for someone who didn’t know just how much of a feminist she was until the age of 30? Trying to fully embrace the rage.

    1. Frankie Bergstein*

      Oh what a great question! Please get your hands on anything by Lyz Lenz that you can. She’s BRILLIANT. She also has a sub stack you can check out before committing to a book.

      _God Land_ is her memoir about growing up than breaking out of a conservative evangelical worldview

      _The American Ex Wife_ feminism and the contemporary nuclear family, division of labor, etc.

      These are both quite white mostly because the author is a white woman and drawing upon her own experiences. I hope other commenters will give recs that are more intersectionally feminist!

    2. Heidi*

      No Place To Go by Lezlie Lowe. I actually think it was a recommendation from some pone here, maybe Alison? About in what ways the world is designed for men. I was raging reading it.

      1. Heidi*

        Ah wait, I see now I confused it with the one Texan In Exile mentions below. The one I mentioned is about public restrooms for women, elderly, people with children, and people who are disabled.

    3. Texan In Exile*

      Invisible Women: Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men, by Caroline Criado Perez.

      She also has a newsletter and a podcast.

      Use your rage! We have work to do.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Use your rage!
        Those Beyond the Wall has a prologue about how her editor commented “I didn’t realize how angry you were.” The book grew out of the stuff with the Tennessee Legislature a couple of years ago. The author makes a distinction between bitterness–anger with nowhere to go–and rage, which can draw people together to make the world better.

    4. Anonymous Educator*

      Not at all a comprehensive list, but here are a few I’ve read recently that I’d recommend:
      White Feminism by Koa Beck
      Stuff Mom Never Told You: The Feminist Past, Present, and Future by Anney Reese and Samantha McVey
      The Guilty Feminist: From Our Noble Goals to Our Worst Hypocrisies by Deborah Frances-White
      Emotional Labor by Rose Hackman
      On Being Reasonable: Breaking the Rules and Making Things Better by Kirsty Sedgman

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      Mediocre – Ijeoma Oluo: All of her work is great but this one focuses on the history of white men holding power in the US. What I love about her writing is that it’s so clarifying and honest, she’s really great at expressing those things you kind of already knew but couldn’t articulate or didn’t have all the facts about, and providing calls to action.

      The Feminine Mystique – Betty Friedan: I’m reading this right now and it’s incredible. It was written in the 60s so it feels like it should be more “historical” but it still really resonates. She was making sense of her own present but it gives so much context for ours.

      Bad Feminist – Roxane Gay: Essay collection that combines humor with heavier topics, part memoir. I read this one when it was published a decade ago so I don’t remember much about it now but I gave it 5 stars on Goodreads.

      Favorite fiction that feels particularly feministy to me: NK Jemisin’s Broken Earth trilogy, Handmaid’s Tale, Circe, Mexican Gothic, The Once and Future Witches, anything by Shirley Jackson

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      Iron Widow by Zhao, about a world in which humans in giant mecha suits fight monsters. The pilots are male, and the co-pilots are female “concubines” used as batteries, who frequently die. The heroine’s sister died this way and she maneuvers herself into the program purely for revenge.

      The rage resonates off the page.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Stone Blind by Natalie Haynes, told from Medusa’s point of view.

      Not a book, but I recommend googling Medusa with the Head of Perseus, a statue by the sculptor Luciano Garbati.

    8. Aneurin*

      Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine (debunking (neuro-)biological gender essentialism, it’s from 2010 so there’ll be more up to date books scientifically speaking, but it’s a good read)

    9. BikeWalkBarb*

      Immediately thought of this one waiting on my Kindle, ordered after hearing author Rebecca Traister interviewed on a podcast a while back: Good and Mad: The Revolutionary Power of Women’s Anger.

    10. Lady Danbury*

      I would also recommend including readings that have an intersectional feminist approach.

      -Anything by bell hooks
      -In Search of Our Mother’s Gardens by Alice Walker
      -Gloria Anzaldua, Borderlands/La Frontera: The New Mestiza
      -Sister, Outsider by Audre Lorde
      -This Bridge Called my Back
      -Hood Feminism by Mikki Kendall
      -Complaint! by Sara Ahmed
      -Anything by Roxane Gay or Kimberlé Crenshaw

    11. ThatOtherClare*

      The Kopp sisters series by Amy Stewart is excellent. I enjoyed the second book even more than the first, and everybody knows that never happens!

      It’s historical fiction very loosely based on the life one of the USA’s first female deputy sheriff’s. I found the series particularly satisfying because Constance Kopp’s victories over old-timey sexism aren’t just wish fulfilment for the author and readers – they really happened (in the broad strokes, if not the fictional details).

  55. Rain*

    I’m stuck in bed with a flu and entertaining myself by reading random archive posts.

    One of them was about touch typing which got me wondering – how many people can touch type? (And if you’re comfortable answering, what “generation” are you, and were you taught typing in school?)

    1. Rain*

      Money where my mouth is, I’ll go first.

      Yes, Gen X, and learned in “Computer Class” when I was in sixth form.

    2. Sitting Pretty*

      Yes! And I’m secretly proud of my typing speed and accuracy. Gen X, learned in 7th grade English class. For the entire year, we spent that class period parked at individual workstations with Apple IIe computers.

    3. Lady Danbury*

      I’m an elder millennial (born mid 80s) who is extremely comfortable with touch typing. We had computers at school throughout most of my primary years and at home by the time I was a preteen. I initially learned to type at home via Mavis Beacon, which was later reinforced by typing classes at school in my early teens.

    4. Lizabeth*

      I’ve just retired at 65. Learned to type in a high school class on a manual typewriter and occasionally on one of the two electrics they had. They also taught whatever the business shorthand is called these days. Also had OWE (occupational work education) for kids that couldn’t handle regular classes.

      1. Julianna*

        I’m also old and learned in high school on a manual typewriter (non-electric). I’m a slow typist but being able to touch-type while reading something is really an advantage.
        If I want to know where a letter is on the keyboard I think of an imaginary keyboard and which finger I’d use. Looking at a keyboard to find a letter actually takes longer!

      2. Girasol*

        Me too: boomer who learned on a manual with one brief turn on an electric. Can’t touch type worth beans. I’m fast but I look like the hard bitten news reporter in a 1950s movie pecking furiously with a couple fingers.

    5. Generic Name*

      I’m on the cusp of Gen X and millennial, and I can touch type very fast. Learned how to type in keyboarding class in the 7th grade on electric typewriters. I didn’t get really good at typing until college, though.

    6. Irish Teacher.*

      Yup, I learnt to touch type back in primary school. I’m absolute tail end of Gen X.

      Basically, our school got computers back in the late ’80s when they were…not the norm in primary schools. They didn’t exactly do much and we had a computer class once a week, so I honestly think they taught us to type just for something to do. Back then, it seemed pointless. But heck, it became useful later in life. Who back then could have guessed that we’d use computers on a daily basis?!

      1. Lady Danbury*

        We had a computer lab at my primary school in the late 80s/early 90s, but I mostly remember playing lots of Oregon Trail. I don’t recall being taught typing at all in primary school.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Yep. I’m in that “either the oldest millennial or youngest gen-X depending on who you ask” overlap Oregon Trail generation, and while I technically took a touch-typing class in seventh grade, I really mostly learned it on my own from MECC computer games on the Apples IIe and IIc I grew up with long before I got into school with computers.

      1. Heidi*

        I’m in the same age group and touch-typing was part of the curriculum, though I loved it so much they allowed me to borrow the program on a (floppy?) disk to practice at home. I work at home now so don’t know if my coworkers touch-type but I volunteer at a local archive and none of the others (seniors) know how to do it,

      2. Fit Farmer*

        The Oregon Trail generation, yes! I took typing as an elective in 7th grade, from an antiquated curriculum (and teacher!) that made sure we knew how to center headings on a typewriter. “A, semi, a, semi,” etc, for I suppose 45min 3 times a week.

    8. Ochre*

      Late Gen X and I learned on electric typewriters with the keys painted black (in junior high). My mom insisted!

      Now that I type a lot with my thumbs my keyboard typing is getting poorer (or I’m just getting older) but I had pretty decent WPM when I was, say, in college.

      Touch typing is a useful skill but I’m also interested in the brain process that allows us to *compose* while typing especially since many of us learned to type by transcribing. When and how do our brains make the leap from “having a thought” and “simultaneously expressing it in recognizably orderly language and also simultaneously rendering it in a written form using a mechanical object”? I swear sometimes I can type faster than I’m consciously aware of thinking. How?!

      1. Heidi*

        You are right, that is absolutely amazing.
        I wrote below that I once just used the five fingers on my right hand to type quickly on my iPad and just – how did my brain so effortlessly use the information it had on typing with two hands/ten fingers and configure it into one hand/five fingers? But it knows where the letters are placed no matter which finger you use, thumb or pinky.

    9. Not A Manager*

      Absolutely! We learned touch typing on electric typewriters in 7th grade, and had computer lab in 8th grade where we learned to program in BASIC and stored our data on cassette tapes. I’m super fast on the keyboard now. Not sure if I still use the correct fingers on each key, though.

    10. Courageous cat*

      Solidly millennial, touch type extremely well (120 wpm), taught myself how to prior to school around 94/95

    11. Bibliovore*

      Tail end boomer- Women were encourage NOT to take typing class because “it pigeoned holed you into ‘pink collar’ jobs” Turned out NOT knowing how to touch type at a rapid pace shut you out of any office job and you were just as pigeon holed.
      Post college I attended Katie Gibbs for exactly one week. Typing tests triggered panic attacks. At the time we had electric typewriters with no “back space correct”
      I had huge resentments job hunting in my twenties that there was a typing test at every job interview (no matter what the job) and in his entire life my thirty something husband NEVER had to take a typing test.
      Yet as I write this I am touch typing without looking at the keys.
      The Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over the Lazy Dog.

      1. Morning Reading*

        What? I am similarly aged and have never taken a typing test anywhere. I was not discouraged but self selected out of learning to type, take shorthand, make coffee, etc., because I would never want a job that required such things.

        However I became adept at typing (is that touch typ8ng, when you don’t have to look at the keys?) doing email and chat rooms in the 90s. Now I type mostly on my iPad so I’m losing the skill. I’m pretty fast on the iPad but there is no way to do it hunt-and-peck style without looking. Also, for some reason it randomly flips to numbers and I have to go back to fix it. As in “touch typing” above. Is there some way to keep the damn thing from doing that?

        I do miss white out. My college papers often looked like birds had crapped all over them. I miss ripping the holey edges off my dot matrix printouts too. (And it’s the quick red fox, lazy brown dog. Amazing what the brain retains of irrelevant info.)

        1. sagewhiz*

          Pretty much same here for this boomer! My mom reeeeeaaly pushed for me to take typing classes in high school and I was all “nope, not gonna be a secretary!” So, what do I be? A writer. Typing. All. The. Time. Pretty much touch, but oh lord the mistakes I make! Thank god for the delete key ;-)

        2. Heidi*

          Could you try typing on the iPad with one hand? I once impressed myself and a friend by holding my left hand under the iPad for support and then furiously tapping using my five fingers on my right hand. I don’t remember why I did it that way but I remember being surprised at how that was the closest thing I had ever gotten to touch typing on an iPad. It was only for a few minutes though. I think someone was dictating something? Or I had to quickly write something down before forgetting? And I had to do it while holding something in my left hand I couldn’t put down for some reason?

    12. Peanut Hamper*

      Gen-X and I was self-taught after finding an old K-Mart typewriter in the attic. I was at the top of my 10th grade typing class.

    13. Jay (no, the other one)*

      I guess I’m Generation Jones (ugh). I taught myself to type when I was ten because my mother gave up on my handwriting, bought me a used manual typewriter and a workbook and said “just learn to type.” So I do touch type – I don’t look at the keyboard and I can go pretty fast – but I don’t do it correctly. I never use my pinkies, for example. Works for me.

      There was a typing class offered in my HS. It was taught in a room full of IBM Selectrics that we were allowed to use on our own when there wasn’t a class. I loooooved those typewriters and still miss them.

    15. Jay*

      I’m a younger X’er (born 1976, so still old ;).
      I learned typing on an old fashioned manual typewriter in highschool. My highschool was not very good about providing things like computers or skills to anyone who was not in AP classes, so a few minutes a week for a couple of weeks with some ancient manual typewriters was the best we were going to get.
      I didn’t really start getting any good at it, though, until my early 30’s, when my job made some big changes so that the vast amount of paperwork we had to do needed to go on a computer as well as the older handwritten forms.
      Fortunately, I still remembered enough to be able to handle it reasonably well and to get up to speed eventually.

    16. Alex*

      Oldest possible millennial here. Yes, I can touch type. Didn’t really learn in school–mostly learned by constantly talking to my friends on AIM instant messenger in the 90s lol.

    17. The Dude Abides*

      Born late 80s

      Had to take what my high school called “keyboarding,” where one teacher taped a piece of paper to the keyboard that would cover our hands to reinforce looking at the screen and not our hands.

    18. GoryDetails*

      Boomer here. Had a touch-typing class in high school, and got very good at typing; indeed, a couple of my summer jobs involved typing up stencils for local elementary schools’ class projects. [Note for you youngsters {grin}: “Stencils” were sheets of special paper with a waxy consistency that were used in mimeograph machines to make multiple copies of the documents. Typing onto the stencil stock effectively punched tiny letter-shaped holes in it, and the mimeograph machine would push ink through the holes. This meant that any errors in typing had to be corrected with special fluid that simulated the actual stencil surface and could be typed over/punched through in the same way. The stencils were more robust than the spirit duplicators – the ones that I recall from my schooldays for their blueish cast and distinctive odor – and could make many more copies.]

      I do remember hearing the same advice mentioned by Bibliovore, that women shouldn’t learn to touch-type (or at least not list it as a skill on resumes) because it’d shuttle them into typist/secretary-level jobs. But I started my working life just as computers were becoming a thing, and found that touch-typing was useful for keypunching cards and, later, entering computer programs via teletype.

      And now, of course, it’s very handy when composing replies on one of my favorite blogs!

    19. California Dreamin’*

      Early Gen X here. Taught myself for fun on my journalist Dad’s old manual typewriter when I was 11 or 12 using instructional cassette tapes, then got really good in a typing elective in high school.
      My husband, a Boomer/Gen X cusp kid, was told by his dad that he didn’t need to bother learning to type because he likely would end up in a job where there would be secretaries for that. LOL. Husband in fact is in an executive position, but there’s definitely no one taking dictation and typing up his emails for him. He’s reasonably fast but doesn’t use “proper” technique.

    20. Dark Macadamia*

      I learned on what I guess was an electric typewriter in 5th and 6th grade in the late 90s – we had videos we followed along with that used little slogans to remember letter locations, which my friends and I made fun of a lot. Tap the T, arrow down to V, curl for C, go over to G, etc. Our favorite was FUZZY F because I guess the program involved putting fuzzy stickers on the home row pointer keys but none of us had them.

    22. Rara Avis*

      Yes, Gen X, took a typing class in 9th grade. My 16yo learned in 3rd or 4th, when they got Chromebooks.

    23. *daha**

      Summer of 1976 I took a touch typing course that was offered by my (private) high school. I’m Generation Jones.

    24. tappity tap*

      Yes, I learned in elementary school on Mavis Beacon during our once-weekly computer lab, then cemented the skill in 6th grade typing class (on Alphasmarts!) that was offered to the kids not in band or other midday extracurriculars. I’m solidly millennial.

    25. Rosyglasses*

      I’m not sure of my generation (I’ve been called GenX, Elder Millennial (or Geriatric M which amuses me). I was born in 78, in high school in the mid-90s.

      We were required to have keyboarding classes in middle school and high school, and I can touch type (about 80-90 WPM) and use a 10-key pretty decently.

      Yesterday while watching the olympics I was actually having fond memories of keyboarding class, which generally included playing Oregon Trail or a Summer/Winter Olympics game (yes, on a floppy disk!). I always liked the skiing game :)

    26. AGD*

      Gen Y, taught in elementary school on PCs. Two years after email and one year after “the World Wide Web.” The nineties were strange.

    27. Falling Diphthong*

      I can touch type. Gen X and I learned in a typing/keyboarding class in my high school in the 80s. (My husband went to school overseas and never learned.)

      One of those things that sounds basic, but the class directly gave one an applicable adult skill. I still have fond memories of the holiday exercises where you made a picture.

    28. Swamp Mallow*

      I’m a millennial, and I can touch type. I learned how in computer class in middle school.

      What I find embarrassing is that I’m slow at typing on a smartphone. I was a late adopter (a decade ago though!), and try to avoid being on my phone all the time, and never got really quick at it. I’m astonished when I see how fast some people can type with their thumbs.

      1. Generic Name*

        Yeah, I type with my index fingers on my smartphone. My teenager can type stupid fast with his thumbs.

        1. The Dude Abides*

          I am quite adept with my thumbs, but I also have muscle memory kids these days don’t – my main gaming console from 1999-2005 was a Game Boy Color, and I logged thousands of hours on it.

    29. jm*

      Summer school 1967, manual typewriters. My daughter learned keyboarding in our tiny rural school in third grade 1991, and when she moved to a larger school the next year, she was skilled enough to assist the other students in the computer lab

    30. Forrest Rhodes*

      One of the last of the War Babies here (born 1945).

      Learned to read at age 3, and spent time as a youngster “playing” with my granddad’s classic manual Remington typewriter.

      Took typing class in seventh grade; electric typewriters didn’t exist yet; got to be fast and accurate. Thank you, Miss Urtuzuastegui (yes, her real name; spelling it correctly was one of the first things she taught us.)

      As high school ended, I was told the same thing about jobs: “Don’t let anyone know you can type.”

      BUT

      Being a fast typist got me excellent and interesting work in commercial printing, the stock market, the entertainment business (music, specifically, in the late 1960s), theatrical production, newspaper business, law and medicine, book publishing, the early computer world, and countless other smaller, short-term jobs. Knowing how to type led to even more interesting work in each of those, and it all started because I could type.

      A favorite memory was in the campus’s public typing room while I was an adult full-time college student (1980s). I needed to type the final draft of a five-page paper to hand in. There were a dozen or so students in the room, each one tippy-tap-typing, letter by letter, at their own Selectric. Without thinking, I sat down, set up the parameters and started typing my paper (my average speed then was around 100 wpm, accurately).

      Suddenly I became aware that the whole room had gone silent and the other students were staring at me. All I could see was eyeballs—it was like looking at a tree full of owls.

      I grinned at them, shrugged, and finished my paper in a couple of minutes. As I left the room, I heard a girl ask the guy who’d been at the machine next to me, “Was she really typing WORDS?”

      It made me laugh.

    31. RagingADHD*

      I’m GenX, I learned around age 12 in an afterschool class that my mom put me in. IIRC, she sent my brother, too.

      It was helpful, because shortly thereafter we had BASIC programming as an elective in school and he saved up to get a Commodore 64.

    32. Ricotta*

      I’m Gen X and got poor grades in typing class because I watched my hands, despite being the fastest person in WPM. So no, I cannot touch type, and Ms. Rollins can go eff herself about it. Results are what matter, and I type like the wind.

    33. Lady Alys*

      Older GenX, learned touch typing in high school on IBM Selectrics. Arguably the most useful class I took in high school! (I recently treated myself to a mechanical keyboard and am loving all the clicky-clacky while I type, reminds me of that class…)

    34. Once a Librarian, Always a Librarian*

      I learned to touch type in high school. It was the only class my father insisted that I take. He also insisted that my brother take it. Said it was something we both needed to know. He was right. (70wpm, boomer)

    35. Nicki Name*

      I can touch type, and learned in summer school when I was 11 or 12. I’m Gen X.

      I’m also in software, where being able to type almost as fast as I can think has turned out to be hugely helpful!

    36. Esprit de l'escalier*

      I went to a girls high school a few decades ago, and (as it was explained to me) the PTA moms did not want us to learn secretarial skills because they didn’t want us to fall into that career trajectory. Consequently I went through college barely able to hunt-n-peck on a typewriter and it was a real PITA for me, given that I was a liberal arts major with lots of writing assignments.

      The minute I finished college and started working, in a newsroom populated by very fast hunt-n-peck reporters, I bought a Typing For Dummies book and practiced daily for weeks until I could touch type flawlessly. That has been useful ever since, especially as I eventually became a computer programmer and spent much of the day on a keyboard.

      I guess the bell shaped curve of typing skills is on the downward side now, since you can’t touch type on a phone, voice-to-text is very easy, and I don’t know if young people are encouraged to look for and correct their errors. My impression is that typing errors have become a normal part of the information environment.

    37. captain5xa*

      Boomer here. My mother made me take a year of typing in high school (my bro only had to take one semester because “boy”) because “girls must”. Never mind that I was interested in STEM fields.

      I’m glad I learned to touch type, but I could of learned in one semester. I didn’t need to learn how to use carbon paper and type up business letters.

    38. Anonymous cat*

      I learned typing in high school. They recommended everyone take it!

      I’ve read that some schools didn’t encourage boys to take typing on the grounds they’d have a secretary later, but my school’s stance was that if you’re going to college, you’re going to write papers, so you need to learn typing.

      I think the basic classes were pretty evenly mixed in gender and career plans, but that advanced typing was aimed at girls going to be secretaries or executive assistants.

      I wish I’d taken the basic bookkeeping class. I was taught how to use and balance a checkbook by my parents but nothing further, and I think it would’ve been useful.

    39. Chaordic One*

      I’m a younger boomer and learned to touch type in highschool on an “IBM Selectric” electric typewriter back in the 1970s. My highschool was considered very progressive because typing was a mandatory course for everyone. Even the boys! This was unusual in my rural state at the time. The course was usually taken during the sophomore year of highschool, but a few students ended up taking it during their junior year. I’m aware of a few students who didn’t take the course, a couple who were special ed students who were otherwise mainstreamed into regular courses, and a couple of students who had physical handicaps that prevented them from being physically able to type.

      I had a headstart because my grandfather had several old manual typewriters and let me play with them as a child and I had pretty much taught myself to type before I took the class in highschool. I sort of cheated by using a permanent marker to label the keys on one of his typewriters with numbers corresponding to the finger that was used. I used L for the first finger on the left hand and R for the first finger on the right hand, and then 2, 3, and 4 for the other fingers. By labeling the keys and looking at them as a child, I had them all memorized before I ever took the typing course in highschool.

    40. My Brain is Exploding*

      Boomer. Typing class in high school. Made some money in college typing people’s term papers and also in graduate school!

    41. allathian*

      I’m self-taught. I don’t use the proper fingers on each key, but the key map is in my muscle memory and I can type without looking at the keyboard. I tend to type 8-fingered, although sometimes I’ll use my right thumb on the space bar, but that’s inconsistent.

  56. …hi*

    Hey, perhaps a stupid question but is it a bad idea to use baby wipes to clean off bird poop from my car? I live in a temperate climate and very rarely use it so it gets washed perhaps once every 1-2 years.

    1. Generic Name*

      I don’t see why not. It’s safe for a baby’s bottom, so surely it’s ok for car paint?? Sometimes I’ll use the windshield washer squeegee from the gas station to clean off bird poop between washes.

      1. …hi*

        Thanks! Ah I meant the wet wipes for babies – do they leave residue behind that would somehow harm the paint? That was a good idea with the windshield washer. Is that fine to use on the rest of the car/not windows?

    2. fhqwhgads*

      They’re abrasive and can damage the paint (or the clear coat), but will do less damage than leaving the bird poop will. You’re better off using a hose. There are also waterless detailing solutions but if you only wash it less than annually that may be more than yuo want to deal with.

      1. Chaordic One*

        Yes, they are mildly abrasive and can cause small scratches in your car’s paint finish. If you can, you should wash them off with a hose by itself or by using a wet soft cotton towel or cotton rag. You can also use soft microfiber cloths that you can buy at a big box store (such as WalMart) in auto section or at an auto parts store (where they will cost more). I like to use old bath towels or pieces of cloth cut from worn-out old underwear. These scratches will usually buff out if you hand wax and then buff off the wax on your car. (Liquid wax, such as at a carwash or an attachment to your garden hose) isn’t going to buff them out though.)

  57. Zippity Doodah*

    Manners / communication advice request. How do I ask someone “why are you telling me this” without sounding hostile?

    EXAMPLE: I’m setting up my campsite near a stream. Other hiker comes wandering over, watches for a bit, tells me “did you know someone saw a puma near here yesterday.” I respond with “oh how cool, I saw a bear earlier.” She watches me for a bit and then explains “So maybe you shouldn’t camp so close to the stream.” Oh.

    How to tell useful information (this is a bad campsite) from idle chitchat (sharing wildlife sightings)? Especially if it’s dusk and faces aren’t clear.

    1. Unkempt Flatware*

      With a tone change. Oh, really? Up on the last syllable indicates you expect more insight, IMO.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        Yeah I would say “Really?” in a tone that implies I need more info for a reaction.

    2. Not A Manager*

      This is a hard one, because you don’t know what you don’t know. You can’t go around wondering if every idle comment has some hidden agenda behind it.

      I think the best you can do is try to be aware of context, and see if you can infer any reason to probe further. In the campsite example, maaaaaybe there’s a clue in the fact that the person was watching you and lingering, maybe more than for just idle chit chat? In that case, then maaaaybe you would think, I wonder why she’s specifically telling me this? Especially if she’s not generally chatting about other random things.

      But tbh I’m bad at that stuff, and all I can do is hope that if someone really is warning me about a wildlife threat, then sooner rather than later they will just make that explicit.

    3. RagingADHD*

      I think you accomplished that just fine in this instance. You didn’t do anything wrong, rude, or dumb.

      Conversational etiquette doesn’t have a fixed outcome that you unlock with special cheat codes. It’s just interacting with people.

      Her statement was ambiguous. You took it one way, so she clarified. That’s a completely normal conversation. All is well.

    4. Reba*

      IDK, obviously I don’t know the tones and vibes, but this doesn’t sound like it was a bad interaction or all that weird?

      I can imagine how someone might take it badly if a stranger just bluntly said “hey you shouldn’t camp here,” so it makes sense how the advice giver approached it indirectly because they can’t know your local knowledge or experience level.

      1. Zippity Doodah*

        Oh, it wasn’t bad or weird at all! But some people from overly polite / indirect cultures wouldn’t have followed up the missed hint with a direct “so don’t camp here.”

    5. Anonymous cat*

      I think in this kind of chatting, it’s on the speaker to make clear they’re warning you about something.

      Sometimes I see a situation where advice might be useful and I wonder if it would be helpful or if it’s overstepping to an adult.

      If I think it’s important, I’ve started prefacing it with something like, You probably know this already but do you know …… and hope it’s helpful.

      If it’s not very important, I say nothing because they’re an adult, etc.

      I’d say it’s about 50/50 on being helpful vs they already know and have reasons for something.

    6. londonedit*

      In this case I’d say it was on the hiker to make herself clear about what she meant. ‘Did you know someone saw a puma here’ means ‘someone saw a puma here’, it doesn’t automatically mean ‘Hey, you might not want to camp here – someone saw a puma near here yesterday, so I’d move further away from the stream if I were you’. That would have been helpful; just making a statement about a puma isn’t particularly helpful and absolutely sounds more like idle chit-chat.

  58. acmx*

    Perimenopause/menopause question. If you’re there, did you seek medical intervention? What made you pursue help?

    I’m wondering if it’s worth it to get a hormone test or not.

    1. grumpy*

      Yes, I sought solutions after about one year of not sleeping. in my country, it is unusual to hormone test, so I went on HRT. This helped a lot.

      1. acmx*

        I have a history of not sleeping well and am a light sleeper. I didn’t know that peri/meno affects sleep, though. (I know about night sweats and of course that disrupts sleep.)

        1. grumpy*

          not an MD or a biochemist. but: progesterone, which drops off in menopause, affects some of the neurotransmitters that tell your brain to relax. Apparently, anxiety is a symptom some people feel, and the drop in progesterone is why. I didn’t feel anxiety, but I couldn’t sleep for more than a couple of hours a night.
          Hopefully someone who knows more about his can correct me.

    2. Not A Manager*

      HRT literally gave me my life back. I didn’t have intolerable hot flushes, so I thought my symptoms weren’t bad. In retrospect, I was self-isolating, had brain fog, and a lot of sexual dysfunction that were almost entirely resolved with HRT. YMMV.

    3. Rosyglasses*

      I’ve been considering HRT (or at least consulting with a dr). Like a commenter below, I don’t have hot flashes, but I have struggled a TON with severe ADHD symptoms that seem to be getting worse and worse after I hit 46 + perio/meno. I think my barrier is trying to find a good dr.

      1. acmx*

        I came across a woman’s hormone dr/obgyn that I want to consult.

        I rarely experience hot flashes I’d say. I am warmer than I used to be and sweat way more quickly now (which is very unfortunate as I live in Florida). I’m wondering if this is due to hormone changes.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I got the perimenopause where you get a period that lasts forever. (My layman’s understanding is that estrogen turns your period on and progesterone turns it off–and my body had only stopped producing the latter.) So worth it to get progesterone supplements.

    5. Doctor is In*

      If you are menopause age there is no need for a test. A low dose of estrogen keeps me from waking up soaked in sweat, have taken it for over 10 years.

    6. Rage*

      I did, but I sort of went backwards. I got an ADHD diagnosis at 49 – and that’s what clued us in to the perimenopause.

      My cycles were of no help because they were jacked up since I had COVID in 2022, but since I wasn’t having any other obvious signs of peri, we just chalked it up to COVID (they were on-the-dot regular until I got COVID, and then I didn’t have one for an entire year; then I only had a few between that year-mark and my ADHD diagnosis).

      I had some night sweats about 2 months before that 1-year mark, but they started right after my ACL repair, so we assumed it was the anesthesia that was causing it, and they pretty much disappeared after about 6 weeks.

      Then, when I got the ADHD diagnosis (October 2023), my doctor and I started putting other pieces together and went ooOOOOOOhhhh that’s what it is!

      A friend of mine attended a group for menopausal women put on by the VA, and she shared with me a list of non-hormonal medications that have been shown to relieve peri/menopause symptoms. One of them was the antidepressant I’ve been taking for several years, Pristiq. So I’m wondering if perhaps that was why my symptoms were fairly minimal.

      However, my hot flashes (AKA “personal summers”) have been ramping up lately, but I just keep a fan on at all times and I’m mostly OK.

      There is a little device that I trialed recently called the EmbrWave that helps reduce the hot flash sensations. You wear it on your wrist and it will send a pulse of cold (or heat) onto the inside of your wrist. It tricks your body into feeling cooler (or warmer) overall. I found that it did work pretty well for me, but it was too bulky to wear both it and a watch, and putting on the opposite wrist (my right) made it hard to use a computer mouse.

    7. Ricotta*

      I had an IUD, so my doc broached the topic when it was due for removal. She suggested another one, since I respond well to it, and the low-dose hormonal kind can sub as hormone therapy. I have some mild night sweats, but otherwise am pleased with the results so far.

    8. California Dreamin’*

      I did not seek any medical help. I had some hot flashes and night sweats but they were not intolerable. I did have pretty bad sleep disruption (waking in the night and unable to stop spiraling into anxious thoughts, would lie awake for a long time.) I utilized a book on improving sleep and that gave me some helpful tools. Basically, I just powered through the process, but my symptoms were not horrible. It was probably about a year of some discomfort. It was a bit unusual in that my periods just stopped suddenly. Like I was completely regular and then suddenly I never had another period. I didn’t experience any symptoms leading up to that that I was aware of… they really came on after.

    9. acmx*

      Thanks everyone! Sometimes I am not a good self starter…I just need to stop procrastinating and make an appointment.

    10. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      Yes and I don’t have the traditional symptoms (knock on ALL the things). No hot flashes and such. However, my body has decided that after almost a year of no cycle, to have it randomly come back with a vengeance. As in, surprise, you have to do laundry RIGHT NOW. Not happy with this turn of events recurring over a couple months, I consulted my GYN who gave me 4 options for my particular case (retroverted uterus, possible thickening endometrial lining, but no endometriosis): 1) low dose progestin pill, 2) a medication to take during my cycle to reduce flow, 3) an ablation, and 4) a partial hysterectomy. I picked #1 first to see if it works and so far, so good. 6 months, no cycle. And yes, I had my blood tested for hormone levels as well and the menopause diagnosis (I was at the highest number in the range!). Good luck!

    11. Girasol*

      Mom got the early version of high dose HRT and died of cancer before menopause. It’s much safer now but when it came my turn I didn’t want to mess with HRT. Melatonin helped with sleeplessness, and in case you’re wondering, time helps too. It does get better after awhile even if you’re not on HRT.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, HRT is probably out for me because my paternal grandmother, my mom, and my dad had breast cancer. My mom got her diagnosis at her first mammogram when she was 50. She’d been regular until she got put on estrogen blockers for the cancer, and she told me she had one hot flash and that was it.

        I still have a semiregular cycle, although it’s shortening (used to be 29-33 days, now it’s more like 23-27). I’ve never been perfectly regular except when on hormonal birth control. When I tried in my early 20s I completely lost my libido and also got a diagnosis for depression. The depression lifted within a month of me dumping my then-boyfriend after I stopped taking the pills. I tried the progesterone pill when I first started dating my husband, but that didn’t work either, after two weeks I got a period that lasted two months, two weeks past the day I stopped taking them. I had to take iron supplements for six months to get my hemoglobin back to normal. After giving birth to our son, I had a blockage in one of the deep veins of my leg, meaning that it swelled to twice the normal size. The swelling went away with prescription compression socks so I didn’t need surgery, but after that I don’t want to risk HRT…

        I don’t get hot flashes, but I sweat *very* easily at the slightest exertion. There’s no point in me taking a shower before work because just toweling down and dressing will have me sweating again. I’ve just started taking a red clover and hops extract with B6 vitamin that my pharmacist recommended. I’ve only taken it for a week so it’s too early to tell if it works.

  59. Rosyglasses*

    What are some daily routines that you enjoy?

    There are a few that cycle in and out of my life, but currently I’m really enjoying a daily ice bath dunk for my face in the mornings, meditation or yoga movement, and wandering around my garden in the morning with my doggo.

    1. Beauty School Dropout*

      Watering my plants on the porch in the mornings while drinking my coffee. It’s peaceful and quiet. A good way to start the day.

      1. Rosyglasses*

        I find drinking coffee and watering plants a lovely thing! Altho then I often end up with dirty hands balancing my coffee in one hand while I start pulling out errant weeds!

    2. California Dreamin’*

      Right now I do the NYT Connections, Wordle, and Mini Crossword first thing when I wake up before I get out of bed. (And it has to be in that order :) ) I like that it gets my brain awake right away.
      Recently started doing Fun Friday Cocktails with my husband. We’d settled into me having a glass of wine, him having a beer in the evening, but not really together, just doing our own thing. Now on Fridays we are trying out new Fun cocktails, or ones we don’t have frequently, and sitting out in our backyard to enjoy them together. Great way to release the work week and chill!

      1. Sister George Michael*

        I love Connections because sometimes it’s so random! “the first syllable of each word is a homonym of the first word of a Beatles’ song.” Oh yes, I don’t know how I missed that!!

        2. Esprit de l'escalier*

          Yes! I put those in the mental category of “no way am I going to get these!” and don’t fret about it. They’re usually the last 4 words that are left over, so in theory I have correctly combined them, but in fact I have no idea what they have in common until I read the heading when they line up. That happens a couple of times a week if not more often.

      2. Esprit de l'escalier*

        Same, except that my first morning puzzle is Spelling Bee and I can’t stop until I’ve gotten to Genius. Then I can set it aside until later while I do your 3 puzzles, also in your order.

        But it’s so random, the words that are and are not accepted in Spelling Bee! I tell myself that if he (meaning the editor, Sam Ezersky) did accept the perfectly good word that I just thought of, that would just extend the number of needed words by one and the score by the length of that word, so it’s only a theoretical loss, but still.

        1. Sister George Michael*

          The Spelling Bee can be random about what words it accepts! Sometimes I think ‘maybe I’m spelling it wrong?’ and double check, but it’s just that the puzzle isn’t accepting that word. I am always surprised that it accepts ‘anal,’ lol.

          1. Esprit de l'escalier*

            Also Sam now accepts “annal” which initially he did not — evidently he saw it as “must be plural” but there was a huge amount of complaining about this in the comments. He always rejects words that might be considered offensive by one or another group, but accepts clinical terms like anal and labia. He accepts some informal word forms like “gonna” while rejecting others. He is definitely on his own wavelength!

      3. 653-CXK*

        Yep…the first five to ten minutes I’m out of bed, I’m solving the daily Connections puzzle.

      5. Rainy*

        I do Wordle, then the Australian slang wordle, then Connections, then Threads, then the Mini, then the crossword, then Spelling Bee–but not in bed! :) And yes, always in that order. :)

    3. WellRed*

      Oh I just d discovered Connections a few weeks ago! I’m not one who typically plays games or dies crosswords it I’m obsessed!

    4. anon24*

      I work nights. When I get home in the morning my girl cat meets me at the door and I ask her how her night was and she always goes into a long and enthusiastic meow monologue. Then I eat a small meal, shower, and then as soon as I get out of the shower my boy cat will come to me for cuddles. I always sit on my bathroom floor and give him all the hugs, pets, and kisses he missed out on while I was at work while telling him how much I love him. Then I crawl in bed and he either joins me in bed or sleeps on his tower in my room where he can watch over me.

    5. Tinamedte*

      Gently running a little less than a mile. I try to squeeze it in before breakfast for logistical reasons, but any time is good, really. It doesn’t sound like much, it’s great, though :-)

      1. Rosyglasses*

        That’s wonderful! I am of the firm mind that any amount of movement, especially when it brings you some joy or uplift is quite enough :)

  60. Neon dreams*

    Hi all, I have a question. I wrecked my car last week (accidentally rear ended someone on the interstate out of town) the repairs would could cost way more than it’s worth. My insurance company called the shop that did the evaluation who said it was a total loss. Once they get that form from the shop, what happens next? Can I use money I might get from this to get a different car? I have no idea how much money it might be. I can’t afford a huge car payment. I’m just lost about this whole thing.

    1. Beauty School Dropout*

      You need to review your insurance policy and see what it says. Some very cheap insurance won’t do anything for you (it exists to protect other people and property you may injure in an accident) and some will cover replacement cost for your car. It depends on what you signed up for.

      1. jm*

        Good place to start. Look up your car. Make model and year on Kelly Blue book kbb or Edmund’s to get an idea what it should be valued . Most insurance will offer a low value so be prepared. I hope you have a local person, insurance specialist, or mechanic or body shop person or a friend car guy to kind of hold your hand through this. You might as well begin to think about a replacement car though. It will make a difference in your circumstances if your old car was well used or quite new

      2. California Dreamin’*

        Oh, this is a great point. Some people with very old cars drop their collision coverage and only carry liability. (The idea is that the car is worth so little that it’s not cost effective to pay for collision insurance on it every year.) If this is the case for you, you unfortunately won’t get anything for the property damage to your car if you were at fault.

        1. Cj*

          I assumed they have collision coverage, because otherwise I don’t know why the insurance company would be talking to the repair shop in the first place.

          however, a lot of people have high deductibles now, because it is so expensive to have a low deductible.

    2. California Dreamin’*

      Typically when your car is declared a total loss, the insurance company will pay you for the car’s current value (as determined by something like Kelley Blue Book.) The idea is they are providing you the ability to replace your car with a car of similar value to the one you had, not to be able to upgrade. This is one of the frustrating things about when you total a car… The money they give you is not enough to go out and buy a new car, so if you don’t want to take on a car payment, you’ll have to find a used car similar to the one that was totaled.
      One thing you might want to do is go on the Kelley Blue Book or Edmunds website and put in the information for your old car to see what they say it’s worth. Then if the insurance comes back with something much lower, you’ll have some data to argue with.
      I’m sorry this happened. We’ve had a few totaled cars over the years and it’s incredibly disruptive!

      1. California Dreamin’*

        When I said “current value” above, I mean the amount your car was worth right before the accident.

      2. Anono-me*

        Some insurance are very very conservative in their payout. I suggest that you contact a salesperson at a reputable dealership and tell them vey briefly that your car was totaled out and you were wondering if they could help you determine the what the pay out should be.

        (Salesperson you or a close loved one bought from is probably best.)

    3. Just a name*

      My husband had someone sideswipe his really old car when it was parked on the street. He paid $350 for it originally (1991-ish). The insurance company totaled it, but instead of accepting the cash, he asked for the salvage value. He got about $100 iirc, and he got to keep the car. It was still drivable. You end up with a salvage title, which is more difficult to get rid of, but he just had it towed to a junk yard when he upgraded his vehicle eventually. It was very helpful for us, since we were trying to buy our first house and didn’t want to take on debt while we were trying to qualify for a loan.

      1. Hyaline*

        This is how I got my first car—an accident caused significant enough body damage to my mom’s (very old) car that it was technically totaled but still perfectly drivable.

        1. Double A*

          This is how I got my first car from a friend, but then later it caught on fire when I turned it on (my friend gave me back the not very large amount of money I had paid him).

    4. Morning Reading*

      Yes, you can use the money to get a different car. I think you are normally expected to, although there’s no rule you have to get a car again. You could use the money for an e-bike or motorcycle or Uber rides til it runs out. you probably won’t get enough back to get the exact car you had before, though.
      Before you plan expenditures, find out if you have any legal costs. Depending on your insurance, it might cover some of that too. Depending on your state’s rules, you may be “at fault” and have to pay fines. Points on your license and your premiums will go up. You might want to factor all that in.

    5. Maggie*

      They cut you a check for the value of your car at the time it became a loss. You can use it for whatever you want, it’s your money.

    1. SoCool*

      The slalom races? I discovered them a few Olympics ago and my dad and I both agree if I’d known about it in my younger days I probably would have taken up the sport. It looks awesome! They have a canoe version too. IIRC they’re very similar.

  62. I hate Dyson hand-dryers*

    I imagine this is coming in a bit late, but just in case.

    I’m increasingly coming to the conclusion that the amount of unnecessary noise in our modern, daily lives is a problem that hopefully will be taken more seriously in future, like smoking in public is now. Of course there’s the more recent problem of people with zero situational awareness playing videos and music on their phones in public for all to hear, but I mean more along the lines of institutional noise pollution, not just rude individuals.

    – those super-loud hand-dryers that are becoming more and more popular in public toilets
    – sound insulation, at least in my experience, not seeming to be a particular consideration in a lot of newer buildings
    – the ongoing trend of restaurants and cafes with only hard surfaces and no noise-absorbing soft furnishings
    – open offices for all
    – default on a lot of devices seemingly the noisiest one, for example the honk that tells you your car is locked (why is it ever that loud?)

    I guess noise is not new – we’ve had freight trains and ear-bursting music and teenage boys with loud cars for a long time – but I just find it surprising that given all that we know about hearing loss and stress and noise sensitivity that it isn’t a thing that is taken into consideration. I feel like it’s just a few of us who are particularly sensitive that are complaining, and kind of being seen as freaks, when actually we’d probably all be a little healthier and happier if at least some of the unnecessary noise was eliminated.

    Curious what others think about this!

    1. Everyone is different*

      I turned off my car honk because I thought it was too loud.

      In addition to noise there is the light pollution. For some reason over the last few years more and more of my neighbors are leaving outside lights on al night (and at least 3 don’t bother to turn them off during the day). Thankfully there is only one light that comes close to shining directly into any of my windows (out of seven houses houses around me).

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        The second restaurants and cafes realize “bare cement industrial” is not pleasing visually or aurally, the happier I’ll be. We almost had to move into a “modern” apartment building a couple weeks ago, and it had this look–so bare, cold and NOISY.

    2. Filosofickle*

      I sure hope we pay more attention to this in the future! It’s especially nuts that housing (especially multi-unit) isn’t built with better sound (and energy) insulation, if because we need ways to make denser housing attractive and livable. But builders just…don’t.

      As an autistic person with big sensory issues and off-the-charts good hearing, I’ve often thought that some flavors of ND may have been less burdensome in other times. If I lived in an agrarian world, without cars or electricity, there would be SO MUCH LESS noise scratching at my brain on a daily basis. (Tho nature is pretty loud, too. But it’s not whining like electronic devices.) Controlling sensory inputs severely limits where I live and work, plus it takes money — for example, I spent a lot of extra money to get the quietest system when I had central air and heat installed.

      One small thing I need to replace is my doorbell — I jump out of my skin every time it rings. But the prior owners were elderly, so they may have liked it that way! Oh, and I want to replace my hair dryer but new, high-powered ones (ex. Dyson) have a high-pitched whiny motor that gives me an instant headache. I will have to stick with the un-fancy ones, which has the side effect of saving me a lot of money.

    3. Morning Reading*

      I’ve been thinking about this a lot since I posted a question about hearing aids/hearing loss a couple of weeks ago. I’ve also been doing a bit of reading on animal perception, evolution, evolutionary advantages of various things. My theory is that our ears and hearing are not evolved for all these loud mechanical or amplified noises. We evolved to hear birdsong, the hoots of other primates, other elements of nature. Lions roaring, thunderstorms and earthquakes, would have been the loudest things humans were exposed to.
      So all that inevitably damages our hearing. It seems like it might have psychological and other physical consequences too, as in any situation where a creature is in an environment too different from the one it evolved for.

    4. Peanut Hamper*

      Time magazine recently had an article about the health issues caused to people in a small Texas town because a Bitcoin mine opened up there and the sound from the cooling fans had a tremendous negative impact on the residents. This is a real health issue!

    5. Ali + Nino*

      The noise from landscaping equipment drives me mad. It’s honestly a major factor in my dislike of the suburbs. And car alarms, oof …do you remember that letter about an employee at a nearby office whose car alarm was going off every five minutes? if I had been there she’d have been lucky to have a car left by the end of the first day of that nonsense.
      Yes I am old and cranky :-p

    6. Nightengale*

      As an autistic person, I one time made a list of all the things I saw/heard while waiting in line at the grocery store – and how many of those things were both recent and unnecessary (overhead music, a flashing display.) And wondered if one reason there seems to be more autism now (there isn’t) is that autistics are living much closer to sensory overload now than 100 years ago. You go back to freight trains and car radios. . . I was thinking back to horses.

  63. Firebird*

    I need help making an attitude adjustment toward food and cooking. It looks like raw vegetables and fruits are the source of my severe IBS and acid reflux problems. It took a long time to figure out because I can’t tell the difference between hunger and pain. Plain meat and some dairy have been fine.

    I don’t like most low fodmap foods, which means either going hungry or eating my favorites and spending lots of time in the bathroom.

    Have you had to make a similar change, and how did you learn to like it? It doesn’t help that I really need the crunch of raw vegetables and don’t like the texture of cooked ones.

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Have you tried a variety of ways of cooking? Steaming, boiling, roasting, etc are all going to impact the texture differently. Or switch to different formats: soups and stews can be FULL of veggies for example.

      I have texture issues with food, and I haven’t figured out how to completely get rid of it. I have improved it a bit, kind of nibbling around the edges of the problem. But I’ve added specific foods, not entire categories. For me, trying things in low-stress ways, over and over, is the best way to learn to like it. It can take years, and there’s no guarantee of success. Cooking something a different way can help, or not. I’ve only recently started eating eggs, and it happened because I figured out that the yolks don’t agree with me. If I pull the yolk out I’m perfectly happy to have egg on toast for breakfast.

    2. That Guy*

      I hate to be that guy, but I’ve had some poor experiences with the medical system and don’t trust it so: if your medical care provider hasn’t checked you for adult-onset Chron’s disease you might want to go back and insist on it. “Roughage destroys my insides” is essentially Chron’s in one sentence. To put it another way: everything you describe in your post is a symptom of Chron’s disease. It could definitely be something else, but you’ve strung up a line of red flags that’s visible from the next street over.

      A good buddy of mine with Chron’s was left untreated and he had to have a large portion of his bowels removed due to scarring damage from healthy eating. His heart and immune system were also highly stressed due to all the food in his bloodstream from tears in his gut wall and he still has to go on regular steroid treatments for that.

      My friend can’t eat ‘rough’ things like lettuce, wholegrain bread, crunchy peanut butter, apples, etc because they tear his guts to shreds. His healthiest diet is the opposite of everybody else’s: chicken nuggets, potatoes in all their forms, white bread, full fat dairy etc. Thankfully for him he craves fruit and vegetables far less than he did before diagnosis. The way he tells it, inflammation was leading to malabsorbtion of food and so to malnutrition and cravings for healthy, nutrition-packed foods, forever repeating the cycle. Now his nutritionist has taught him some safe ‘nutritionally complete’ combos like potatoes and butter and the inflammation is under control, and he looks 100 times better. He seems more ‘alive’ somehow.

      Hopefully I’m overreacting and/or you’ve already been checked, but you’re better off to be fully tested and find that it’s just an annoying version of IBS or SIBO than be stuck with undiagnosed Chron’s causing damage. If my straight, white, cis male friend had his diagnosis overlooked it could happen to anyone. If your doctor is sceptical, emphasise to them that 1) it’s ‘rough’ foods like raw fruit and raw vegetables and that 2) it’s causing you physical pain. That combination alone should ring alarm bells with any competent doctor.

    3. mreasy*

      Can you tolerate brined and fermented foods? If so that’s a good way to sneak in some of the crunch. There are a lot of different textures to be found in cooked vegetables, but I agree that it can get samey. Roasting is a great way to handle especially cruciferous veg (which are particularly difficult to digest raw), and if you use enough oil and salt they’ll be more textural, not mushy. I used to hate mushrooms until I learned to slice them thinly, add some salt, then cook them until absolutely all the water goes and they turn nice and brown – that creates more of a meaty texture than the rubberiness they’re known for.

      I guess the tl;dr is – most veggies can be cooked to have a desirable texture, but it can be difficult to find out how and what’s best for your tastes. Experimentation may seem challlenging bit even if you get 4 veggies into your regular rotation you’re in great shape. It’s also likely that their nutrients are more bio available when they’re cooked vs raw, so cooking can ramp up the health aspect too.

      I’m sorry you are dealing with IBS. I’ve had it ever since being diagnosed in high school and it feels like my triggers keep changing. (Et tu, avocadoes???) But finding the foods that work is so empowering. Good luck!!!

    4. WoodswomanWrites*

      I had to go on a low FODMAP diet when I was dealing with IBS but it was considered an elimination thing for about six weeks and then I gradually reintroduced things. I figured out which things were triggering and discovered that I could still eat everything I wanted, just not all the time. I don’t have IBS symptoms anymore. I hope this is the case for you as well. If you haven’t checked it out, the best website I’ve found is FODMAP Everyday with an excellent newsletter that I found very helpful when I was going through this. Working with a nutritionist for guidance was great. Good luck.

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