Ask a Manager speed round by Alison Green on August 28, 2024 It’s the annual Ask a Manager speed round! Until 3:30 pm ET today, I’ll be answering questions live. How to ask questions: Submit a question using the form here. (Don’t leave your question in the comment section; I won’t see it there.) If you submitted a question yesterday, there’s no need to submit it again; I’ve got it in my queue. How to read answers live: Refresh the page to see new questions/answers. I’ll post new answers at the top as I go so you don’t have to scroll down to see the latest. Other info: It’s a speed round so these are going to be quick answers. We’ll see how many I can get through. That’s it for today! There were a ton of questions I didn’t get to (I received 599 total and answered 72 here) so please feel free to submit them to me for regular answers if you’d like to: https://www.askamanager.org/ask-a-question I may save some unused questions for future “short answer” posts (or maybe I’ll do a second speed round with the leftovers next month). 72. Passerby witness to employee conduct I once witnessed two employees in a retail environment having a very contentious conversation, I was browsing and checking out, they were not in a private space. It sounded like a manager berating her employee well past the point of helpfulness. They were the only two employees around to keep things covered. I did not say anything at the time, was that the right action? It’s hard to know without more details, but if you’d had any interaction with the employee who was being berated, one option was to go over to them and say to the target, “I just wanted to thank you for your help earlier. I really appreciated your assistance with X” (or something else similarly positive). It won’t change the fact that they work for a jerk, but it might make their day a little less crappy (and it might take the wind out of the manager’s sails too, who knows). On the other hand, I can also imagine situations egregious enough where it would be reasonable to say, “No one deserves to be spoken to that way, and overhearing this makes me never want to come back here.” 71. Touchy boss My boss always sits way too close to me when he’s trying to explain something or is so close next to me I can feel his breath. He touches the screen of my laptop and brushes against me. I need some space! I’ve asked him to give me a bit of space but it hasn’t worked. Help! I wish I knew what he has said when you’ve asked him to give you space since that would help me refine the advice. But absent that, I’d just say, “Sorry, I have a big personal space bubble, can I move you over a little?” Or just physically move yourself away from him. 70. The clipper caper I have a coworker who clips their fingernails every single day at their desk. We have a semi-open office plan and it really squicks me out to hear the fingernail clipping over the cubicle walls. Thoughts on fingernail clippage at work? Clipping one hangnail at your desk: fine. Clipping all your nails at your desk: not okay. Do your grooming in private. (Also, how are they clipping their nails every day?! How fast do their nails grow?) 69. PTSD as a manager I have PTSD that I have told no one outside of HR at my workplace about, and that’s how I’d like to keep it. I manage a small group. Currently I’m in a pretty bad flare up and I can’t hide that something is wrong. I’m distracted, unproductive, and out of the office more thanks to increased therapy sessions. I’m sure employees wonder what is going on but nobody has asked. My boss knows I’m out more due my FMLA accommodations. Do I owe it to anyone to say anything else? You don’t have to, but as a manager it can be a kindness to your team to give them some context so they’re not worrying about what’s going on (and possibly filling in the blanks with things they’re not right about). You don’t need to give details, though; it would be enough to say, “I’m dealing with some stresses outside of work right now so if you notice me seeming distracted, that’s why. I’m working on it.” You could also replace “some stresses outside of work” with “a medical issue” if you want. 68. Boss asked staff to sign “no emotion” contract My boss recently asked one of their subordinates (who is middle manager) to sign a contract that states that they “won’t have any strong emotions,” specifically “depression or disappointment,” while at work. Am I correct in thinking this is bananapants? First the person signing the contract is likely on the spectrum and can be locking into their thinking pattern but I feel that this would be the boss’s job to help teach them how to break out of this pattern at work. Second, if someone has disclosed that they battle depression, would there not be legal pitfalls to making them sign a contract stating they will not “show depression at work”? WTF?! Yes, this is bananapants. And yes, it raises a bunch of legal issues since depression can be covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act. If your company is big enough to have middle managers, I’m guessing you also have HR. Someone should tip them off that they have a rogue and incompetent manager who’s opening them to real legal liability. 67. Best response to “work family” My boss really loves saying “we’re like a family” in internal meetings as well as when interviewing candidates. What’s the best response? “I don’t know if you know, but there’s been a big backlash against that phrase in recent years. People often interpret it as meaning they’ll be expected to work long hours for low pay and accept bad behavior. I obviously know that’s not how you mean it, but you might be inadvertently giving candidates the wrong impression.” 66. Pronoun usage I’m a fan of transparency with pronouns at work to signal that it’s an inclusive environment but how do you balance that with also respecting the fact that some people don’t want to come out in their email signatures and are forced to use pronouns they don’t associate with? Say it’s welcomed but not required. 65. Reference phone numbers Are we still including phone numbers with references, or is an email address good? Still phone numbers. 64. Is it time to pull the plug on my mentorship? I am a teapot engineer who, for 15 years, has been mentoring a person who wants to be a teapot engineer, but cannot obtain the necessary engineering degree. The mentee has gotten degrees in drafting and technical writing. They briefly were admitted to an engineering program, but flunked out in the first semester — after telling me they believed they had aced all their exams. Since then, no engineering school will admit them due to their poor prior performance. Despite my encouragement, the mentee refuses to work as a draftsperson or technical writer in a teapot company. It’s teapot engineering or nothing. I’m feeling less than helpful. Should I pull the plug on this mentorship? Probably. Cite increased demands on your schedule and wish them luck. 63. “Do you want anything” office etiquette If a coworker is going to grab coffee, food, smoothies, etc. and they ask you if you want anything, what’s the proper etiquette? Are they offering to treat? Is the subtext “I’ll get it for you but you pay me back”? What’s the best way to navigate? Generally they’re not offering to treat, only to obtain and transport. You should offer money before they go or ask how much you owe them when they get back. If it’s their treat, they’ll tell you at that point. 62. Cover letters Is an “optional” cover letter in a job application really optional? Yes. But in most industries, you’re generally better off including one for the same reasons they’re useful the rest of the time (assuming, at least, that you write one that adds something to your application rather than simply summarizing your resume). 61. Sick day trading At my (union, non-US) job, we are allowed to give away sick days. As a result, there’s a real market in swapping sick days for favors. One of my coworkers once financed an 18-month parental leave by trading home cooked meals for extra days. My spouse thinks this is ridiculous, that sick days shouldn’t be transferable. Is this normal in the world of collective agreements? Or is my work a crazy outlier? I can’t speak to other cultures, but for the U.S.: not normal, highly problematic. Some companies do let people donate sick days, but it’s generally (a) for people in unusually difficult situations, not something as routine as looking to extend parental leave and (b) an actual donation, not a swap for home-cooked meals or other bribery. 60. Resume dates for freelance work How do you suggest handling dates on a resume for very sporadic freelance work? I worked as a graphic designer for several years but quit my last full-time job in late 2019 to go to grad school. That ended up getting pushed out because of COVID, and I just finished my MFA this spring. Since 2019, I’ve had a few part-time jobs (retail and similar), as well as a few freelance design and illustration projects (those just over the last couple years). I’m updating my resume to apply for full-time graphic design jobs now, with a single “freelance graphic designer” entry to cover that small amount of work I’ve done. How should I indicate the dates of that work? I’m thinking something like “[month/year of first freelance gig] to present,” but I’m unsure whether that’s appropriate because my freelance work has been so sporadic. Yep, that’s exactly right. One umbrella listing to cover all the freelance work, with the dates done the way you proposed. 59. “I wish I wasn’t at work” decor How do you feel about people decorating their work space with decor that clearly states that they wish they weren’t here? Things like “I’m only here because I haven’t won the lottery,” or very large retirement countdown clocks (with thousands of days to count down). Our office staff support staff working in direct care, if that matters. In general: Eh. We’d all generally rather being doing something other than working, but you don’t make a point of announcing it to everyone who walks by. Still, though, there are some offices where this wouldn’t be out of place. But in direct care? It’s pretty crappy. Think it if you want, but it doesn’t need to be on a sign. 58. Produce giveaways It’s produce season in the Midwest. Is it appropriate to bring some in to the office to give away? How much is too much? Especially for something that grows a ton like zucchini. Yes! Bring in your extra produce! How much is too much: if it risks becoming a burden for your office, like the kitchen is so full of zucchini that no one can sit in there, or it’s left rotting because it was too much for people to take home. 57. Giving notice You recommend giving 2 weeks notice when leaving. Does that advice change if you’re managing a team or department? Nope! 56. Boss complains about money, a lot I work in a HR team of three. My boss is our director and earns SIGNIFICANTLY more than the two of us. I’m talking at least 45% more, not including her bonus. She’s been saying repeatedly that she’s living paycheck to paycheck. It’s getting annoying. I try to just move on with the convo and not engage with that info but it is irritating me. What’s your advice? “Imagine what it’s like on our salaries.” Possibly followed by, “Can you get all of us raises?” Or just internally roll your eyes and feel sorry for her for being so oblivious to her audience. 55. Desk decor What is your favorite personal item on *your* desk? Ridiculously overpriced Ember mug. It keeps your drink hot for a few hours and you can control its precise temperature from an app on your phone and I paid too much for it and I love it. 54. How much research should recruiters do? An in-house recruiter messaged me about a role he thought I was a great fit for. After a phone screening, they asked me to submit the application (which was a bit time-intensive, requiring a few short answer questions). However, a few weeks later, he got back to me and said unfortunately the hiring manager was looking for someone with a higher level of experience and they wouldn’t be bringing me in for an interview. Is this expected when applying via a recruiter? I would’ve thought he might’ve checked if I had the experience the hiring manager wanted before asking me to put time into the application and phone screening. It’s not uncommon. Sometimes it’s because recruiters didn’t ask the right questions before screening candidates, but sometimes it’s just that the hiring manager necessarily has a more nuanced knowledge of who will be right for the role, and even a good recruiter can slightly miss the mark. 53. Re-applying after a layoff I briefly worked for a company in late 2019/early 2020 before I was laid off with several others due to Covid. They are hiring for a position in the same department with a different function than what I was doing previously, but I think it could be a good fit with the experience I’ve gained in the last few years. Would it be weird to re-apply to a company after being laid off? Not weird at all! Go for it. 52. Egg on head What should be done about a coworker (Bob) who dropped an egg on his coworker (Mary’s) head while she was in the lobby and he was on the second floor in an area overlooking the lobby, but Bob claims it was an accident and we can’t prove otherwise but suspect? The lack of context here is almost as interesting as the question itself! What do you know about Bob aside from this? There are some people where you’d easily think, “I can’t imagine Bob intentionally dropping an egg on someone’s head, so of course it’s believable that it was an accident” … and there are other people where you’d think, “Dropping an egg on someone’s head is exactly something Bob would do.” I’m guessing from your question that this is the latter. If that’s the case, you have a very serious conversation with Bob where you tell him he’s on a short leash, you’re watching him carefully, and if he messes up again, he’s out. And then you do watch him carefully — because there’s clearly a judgment issue here and it’s likely another egg shoe is going to drop. Usually in cases like that, if you go looking, you’ll find plenty. 51. Interesting jobs Sometimes you interview someone who has an interesting job. I have always wondered about the person who picks out music for TV shoes like “This Is Us.” How do they find the perfect songs? How does someone end up with that job? Can that be your next interview? Yes, please. If anyone has this job or knows someone who does, please get in touch immediately. 50. Elaborate musical number about coworker What would happen in real life if a bunch of employees wrote and performed an elaborate musical number about how incompetent their coworker is, like “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?” Would that be considered a hostile work environment? “Hostile work environment” is a legal term that means the harassment or discrimination is linked to a protected characteristic of the target — race, sex, age (if 40 or over), religion, disability, etc. If they just didn’t like the coworker and none of those things were in play, it wouldn’t be a hostile workplace in the legal sense, but it would certainly be one in the colloquial sense. People should not perform musical numbers about not liking their coworkers. Or at least they should save it for the privacy of their own homes. 49. Moderation How do we flag a problematic comment for moderation? Reply to the comment with a quick note about your concern (even just writing “flag” is fine) and include a link. All links go through moderation so I’ll see it and can take a look. If you ever forget this, it’s included on the “how to comment” page. 48. Rescheduling meetings Twice in the past two weeks, fellow managers (at my same level) have had to cancel meetings that involve most of my team. In both cases they have given me a day or two in notice, then noted that their calendars were up to date so that I could find a new meeting time. My feeling about this is that it’s not up to me to go into their calendars and find a new meeting time, but that the onus in on them to reschedule. Whose responsibility is it? We don’t have any support staff to manage our calendars for us. If we were going to make a rule about it, it should be their responsibility (since they’re not senior to you and they’re the ones canceling). On a practical level, though, I wouldn’t get too hung up on who does it. Or at least, as long as there’s not additional context that makes it annoying (like that they only do this to women or they’re condescending generally). If you do want to push it back to them, it would be fine to say, “I’m running between appointments today so could you handle the rescheduling? My calendar is up to date. Thanks!” 47. Job offer timing Spouse thinks if, after final round of interviews, a week goes by without contact it means they’re not interested and are going to offer to another candidate. Do you think that’s true specifically for job offers? Nope, it definitely is not. 46. Coworker said my office should be searched because I tried out for the Olympics I work on an academic campus with a very strict no weapons policy, which I’m totally okay with and would never dream of violating. I also tried out for the Olympic shooting team, but didn’t make the cut. I didn’t really think much of mentioning that I had tried out to my coworkers, or that I hadn’t qualified when the Games were happening. Those conversations must have concerned someone, because one of my coworkers (I don’t know who) asked campus security to search my office, since they believed I probably had firearms on campus with me. I didn’t, but now I’m not sure what I should do? Having my office searched was incredibly invasive, disruptive, and embarrassing. My dean thinks I should just shrug and consider it normal, but I’m hurt that one of my coworkers would think that I’d violate our policies like this (or even carry in a public space), and upset by the idea of my office being searched again. WTF? I don’t agree that you should consider that normal, but your dean is right that there’s not much to be done. Is there any way you can tell yourself it could have been a legitimate misunderstanding on the anonymous coworker’s part? It might be good for your peace of mind if you can … but either way, there’s nothing really actionable here. (If it started happening all the time, that would be different. But so far it’s just been one weird incident.) 45. Moderation assistants Are you the only one approving comments or do you have community volunteers / outside employees helping you? It’s just me! 44. Breaks My son-in-law refuses to take a lunch break at his work (he’s over shipping for a small mail order business). He’s salaried, a hard worker, and well-liked by his boss but he also struggles with anxiety and I suspect he feels (irrationally) that it would look like he’s loafing on company time. As a result, he’s starving and exhausted when he gets home and it’s playing havoc with his health. His wife has tried to reason with him, his mother has tried, and I have tried. I don’t know what his employer has said about it (if anything )but the atmosphere is casual and while I’m positive he would be fine with him taking a lunch break, he’s going to let my son-in-law do what he wants. If this was your relative, what might you say to him? Maybe this: “If I were your manager, I’d be so upset to learn someone working for me felt this way. I’d feel responsible for you being hungry and exhausted every day, and I’d feel I’d failed at being a good manager if you worried about taking lunch.” Or maybe just: “Why don’t you run this by your boss and see how they feel about it?” But I also think you’ve already tried and it’s not your place to keep pushing. 43. Hybrid etiquette I am a hybrid employee who needs to come into the office 2 days a week. My work is done using a computer and I am unable to work without logging onto the system. I am located 20 minutes from the office. There was an outage with the VPN one day last week while I was working from home. Only associates who were physically in the office were able to log into the system. Around 11am, management asked for those of us working from home to come into the office. Is it an expectation to have to come in on a planned work from home day due to system issues outside my control? It can be, yes. If you literally can’t do the work from home, it’s not outrageous to ask you to move to a location where you can. 42. Shoeless and sockless in meetings Our former CEO would often go barefoot in the office, which was fine I guess, but in meetings, she would sit with her feet up on her chair and be touching her bare feet. Like, massaging her foot and rubbing her toes during debrief meetings and discussions about the company’s future. This is a professional organization and not a small mom-and-pop, to be clear. Thoughts on barefooted meetings? Eeeww. I’m pro bare feet if they’re under your desk, but you don’t massage your nude feet in business meetings. 41. Managers don’t communicate My manager rarely talks to me outside of our weekly departmental meeting. Whenever I need his advice or help, my other colleagues are in his office talking to him. They treat him like a big brother and frequently stop in his office throughout the day to talk shop and/or sports. I’ve jokingly mentioned to him that it’s really hard to actually talk to him. He admits that it’s a problem but says I should stop in his office anytime. But there’s always someone else in his office! Any advice? Why not just schedule time with him? Say, “It’s hard to find time with you since you’re often talking with someone else when I pop by — could I get 30 minutes on your calendar every other week?” (Or whatever frequency seems reasonable for your context.) 40. Do you ever want to run a company? You’ve got so much cumulative knowledge on what’s good and bad for employees. If you could start a company (you know, money aside) would you? Good lord, no. I want less work and responsibility, not more. 39. Employee got angry at someone who told her to have a good weekend I’m a first time manager. One of my employees, “Meghan,” got angry at someone who said, “I hope you have a good weekend.” It was a harmless comment, and the person who said it was using it to close a conversation. Meghan complained to me and said that her weekend is none of the other person’s business and by her own account she was rude to the person who said it. Meghan has also previously complained about someone who said “hi” and “morning!” to her as they were arriving at our office. Meghan says people need to leave her alone and stay out of her business. I think people are just being friendly but Meghan says they aren’t her friends and takes it as an affront. How do I address this with Meghan? I’m not saying she has to be friends with her colleagues but I also want to respect her boundaries. Meghan is a loon. Explain to her that part of working in an office with other people is maintaining at least minimally pleasant/civil relationships, that the phrases she’s objecting to are utterly routine social niceties, and that she needs to be polite in return. That doesn’t mean she needs to divulge anything about her personal life, but she does need to maintain reasonably pleasant relationships with people. I don’t have enough time writing this on the fly to decide for sure if I want to recommend this or not, but if I had more time I’d also be thinking about whether to suggest she seek some outside-of-work coaching on relationships if this isn’t intuitive to her. There are going to be other problems with Meghan. 38. Too much dog time? My boss loves to start remote meetings by putting their cat on camera. I don’t want to be a party pooper, but we have work to do! The five minutes of baby talk about how good their cat is, is starting to drive me crazy. Is there anything I can do about this? Can you feasibly say at the start of the meeting, “I’ve got a hard stop at 2:00, so can we jump right in?” 37. Habits of a bookworm Do you read paper books, e-books, or both? I never expected this, but I’m 100% ebooks now. 36. Younger queer coworker keeps outing older queer me I’m queer and 50, out to my close colleagues and absolutely everyone in my non-work life. I have a younger colleague who is also queer and I’ve noticed they keep bringing up our mutual queerness in front of coworkers who I wouldn’t have mentioned it to because they aren’t a “work friend.” What’s a good script I can use to tell my colleague that I’m not ashamed, exactly, but past experience with homophobic coworkers means I want to come out on my own terms when I do? “Hey, I’m selective about who I’m out to at work, so please let me choose who I share that with.” 35. When the LW’s coworkers see their question AAM is anonymous, but often if enough details are given (which is often a necessity to getting help), it might not be that hard for a coworker to identify the writer. What would you say to someone who wants help but is afraid to write in because their coworkers might see it? Sometimes letter-writers ask me for help ensuring they’ll stay anonymous and we’ll sometimes do things like add some details that won’t change the answer but will make it sound less like them (for example, including an industry that isn’t theirs, a team size that’s clearly not theirs, a job title that isn’t theirs, etc.). It’s useful for people to tell me when they’re doing that so that I don’t inadvertently edit it out because it seems extraneous, and also in case those details might change the answer in some way (in which case I can suggest different options). 34. First question When did you get your first question ever? June 2007! When I started the site, I didn’t know if I would get any questions at all, so my early posts were just me writing advice in a non-Q&A format (perhaps that’s called a rant?). But letters started coming in by month two, and that’s mostly been the format ever since. 33. Can I be excused? Is there a polite way to excuse myself from a zoom meeting when the other person is trying to problem solve something on their own but it relates to a project I’m responsible for? I have a coworker, who I like and would like to keep up a good relationship with, but they have a quirk that drives me batty. Sometimes when we’re meeting virtually, we’ll come across a roadblock/hurdle for our joint project. My working style preference is for us to hop off the zoom, figure out what we need to do, then hop back on. Colleague seems to prefer for us to stay on zoom as they slowly talk to themselves as they try to figure out the issue. This has gone on for over an hour before, and when I’ve said I need to get off they have seemed a bit offended. I feel like it’s not productive for me to sit there as they mumble, “Hmm maybe….(typing multiple seconds) hmmm… no (typing + long pause) mmm… maybe…” repeat. This can go on and on and it just drives me crazy. It’s always for projects that are assigned to us both, so it’s not like I’m expecting them to do everything, I just really don’t enjoy sitting on a zoom while someone is working like that. “It’s going to be easier for me to hop off and figure this out so I’m going to jump off and will message you once I’ve got it.” If you’re just waiting them and don’t need to do anything yourself: “I’m swamped today so I’m going to jump off and give you some time to do this. Message me if you want to pick it back up afterwards!” 32. “Please advise” I get irrationally annoyed when folks use the phrase “please advise” in emails to me. I don’t entirely know why I feel this way — maybe it’s because it’s a directive instead of a question? It feels too formal? I am the only one, or are there other “please advise” haters out in the world too? I don’t like it either! Not to the point that I’d suggest someone working for me not use it in their emails (maybe if there was a bigger issue of them coming across as overly formal/chilly emails) but I do not enjoy it. I think it’s because most people who write that don’t talk that way in person, and emails are generally more effectively written if they sound like an actual human talking. 31. I hate getting feedback I get physically ill when getting feedback and even good feedback feels like a dagger if it isn’t perfect. It is so bad that my partner has to read emails from my boss first and then tell me it is safe to read. I apparently do my job well and get good reviews but it hurts to even get “meets expectations” or even mild constructive criticism, even when I KNOW it is something I need to work on. Therapy. This reaction is rooted in something; it’s not happening randomly. For example: any chance you grew up in a household where you were expected to be perfect and/or even minor mistakes generated outsized/scary reactions? Or had a perfectionist parent who themselves reacted to feedback the way you are, thus wiring you to do it too? I’m guessing the issue isn’t confined to work and is popping up in other areas of your life, but even if it isn’t, this is a terrible way to go through life and you deserve to sort it out so that you’re not living with this constant dread. A therapist can help you figure out where it came from and help you see that whatever your brain is reacting to is something other than your current circumstances (which is the first step to draining it of its power). 30. Volunteer positions on a resume I’m currently a stay at home mom but will be re-entering the workforce soon. I was previously a teacher and will probably go back to something in the education world. I am currently the VP of the PTA and was previously President of the local chapter of a national organization for parents. Both of these positions were elected by the members in the organization. Obviously, these aren’t “work experiences,” but is there a place for them on a resume? Yes, definitely! Put them in a Community Involvement or Volunteer section. 29. Politely dodging lunch invitations I used to attend monthly lunches with a group of coworkers in similar roles, which were helpful for getting to know each other, sharing tips, etc. I’ve now been promoted to a different role. The organizer has shifted the lunches to a more social format and keeps including me on the invitations. When people decline the invitations, she insists on finding a time that works for all. Is it rude for me to continue to ignore or decline the calendar invitations, or is there a better way for me to opt out of these social lunches without seeing cold? “Thanks so much for trying to find a time that would work for me! My calendar has gotten really packed and it’s tough to fit in anything optional right now. If I can start attending again at some point in the future, I’ll let you know.” 28. Commenters Does it annoy you when commenters give the exact same advice to the letter writer that you did, without acknowledging they’re saying the same thing you said? It drives me batty and I don’t know if I should continue being annoyed on your behalf! It doesn’t bother me! The nature of comment sections is that people give their own thoughts, usually without regard to whether something similar has already been said. And sometimes it’s just a way of saying “I agree with this” but in their own words. Feel feel not to be annoyed on my behalf! 27. Would you rather… Would you rather have a crappy boss and 10 great coworkers or a great boss and 10 crappy coworkers? Why? I dispute the premise! If you truly have a great boss, you won’t have 10 crappy coworkers, by definition. 26. Shushing coworkers This just happened 5 minutes ago and I need an attitude check. In our building, I work adjacent to the lobby and have to cross the lobby and pass the meeting room off of the lobby every time I use the restroom. Inevitably, a coworker stops to chat about work which is fine with me because otherwise I work in a windowless room by myself (completely different issue). There is a meeting happening in this space today — which I would have no way of knowing until I passed a door with a small window and I looked in and noticed people meeting. Today, a coworker stopped me and started talking, normal inside voices, but in a lobby of tile, glass and a waterfall, apparently they could hear our voices in the meeting room and a gentlemen stepped out and “shushed” us. No words, just “shush, shush, shhhhhhhhhh” and stared at us and pointed to a sign that said a meeting was in progress. This sign was not on the door of the meeting room, but on the white wall across from it on a white piece of paper — which I admittedly did not notice. In the long run this is a non-issue, but it rubbed me the wrong way. Obviously I’m going to let this go, but should people shush others at work? The way he did it was rude. It’s fine to say, “We’re having trouble hearing in the meeting — could you keep your voices down?” but just a literal “shush” is rude. 25. Resumes Do you prefer resumes with periods at the end of each statement or no periods? Doesn’t matter, just be consistent throughout with whichever way you pick. 24. Freelance clients who don’t pay well I’ve seen a few LinkedIn “influencers” imply that if you take a freelance gig that doesn’t pay well, it’s OK to do a half-assed job. I tend to think if you accepted the assignment, your work should be as good as it would be for higher-paying clients. You always have the option not to accept the job, after all. What do you think? That’s terrible advice, and a good way to build a crappy reputation. The way you get better and better positioned as a freelancer (and thus usually better and better paid, and better able to pick and choose what clients and projects you take) is by doing good work and building a good reputation. If you don’t think the money is worth the work, don’t accept the job. If you accept it, don’t half-ass it (unless you explicitly arrange that with the client ahead of time, like “for $X, I could do X and Y but not Z”). 23. Best general interview questions I’m doing first round interviews for a position next week. Got any suggestions to freshen up those general questions we typically ask? You know, tell us about yourself, what about this position excites you, etc. Don’t look at it as needing to freshen up your questions. Look at it as needing questions that really hone in on the specific, concrete things that will make someone successful in the role. So draw up a list of the must-have qualities and experiences and then ask questions that get people talking about times they’ve done those things/demonstrated those qualities in the past. That will tell you so much more than any generic internet list of questions. 22. Upset when work drinks cancelled My team have a regularly-scheduled work drinks that is quite often called off last-minute because people aren’t feeling it. I really enjoy these drinks, particularly as it’s a chance to catch up with colleagues outside of those I directly work with, and them being called off always makes me feel down. Can I bring this up to my colleagues without sounding like a friendless weirdo? Eh, I think you’ve got to let it go. If people aren’t feeling it — they’re tired, have stuff outside of work they need to deal with, or just don’t feel up to after-work socializing at the moment — you shouldn’t pressure them into doing it anyway. Instead, can you build this likelihood into your expectations from the start and just always know that the drinks event is always somewhat tentative and subject to change, so you’re not seeing as a such a concrete Will Happen when in reality it’s more of a Might Happen? 21. Salaried non-exempt How is overtime calculated for salaried non-exempt employees? Same way as always for non-exempt employees: for all hours over 40 that you work in a week, you must be paid time and a half. 20. Are cropped shirts always inappropriate for work? While contemplating an outfit for an indoor/outdoor work event (usually a remote and very casual office), I thought about wearing a high-necked black crop top that I have with a pair of palazzo pants that is so high waisted the crop top is actually longer than them, with a lightweight oversized cardigan over it, but chickened out under the assumption that crop tops are never appropriate. What do you think? Crop tops that reveal your midriff aren’t appropriate for most workplaces. But you’re saying no midriff skin shows with this outfit because of how high-waisted the pants are, so the rule doesn’t apply (as long as that’s true the whole time you’re wearing it and doesn’t change if you, for example, bend over or stretch). 19. Boredom If I’m bored at work constantly, is it just not the job for me? Maybe. Are you willing to trade boredom for money? Some people are. Is it important to you to build a career where you advance, do work that you’re intellectually engaged by, and/or find meaning in what you’re doing? If so, then it might not be for you. Our culture tells us that we’re supposed to find meaning and joy in our work (well, it tells a certain socioeconomic portion of us, anyway, because it definitely doesn’t tell all of us) but not everyone looks at work that way and you’re not required to. All of which is to say, you’ve got to look internally on this one. 18. Coworker retiring after tragedy I have a coworker who recently announced their upcoming retirement. Normally I’d congratulate them and generally treat this as something to celebrate, but this coworker recently experienced a personal tragedy and it seems likely that this event at least partially prompted their decision to retire. The office is having a retirement party for this coworker soon — what tone should I take when both “congratulations” and “my condolences” feel inappropriate? I think neither of those. Just: “It’s been great working with you, and I’m going to miss you.” 17. Cats! Can we get an update on (and preferably photos of) your resident kitties? A surprisingly high number of cat-related questions have been submitted, so I think I’ll need to do a cat info post soon. The last time I included it in a list of other questions it drowned out everything else. (Entirely reasonably.) 16. Field-specific conferences I’ve shifted from academia to business and find myself perplexed by the purpose of field-specific business conferences. I can’t tell what they’re for! What are you supposed to do at, say, the Northeastern Teapot Makers’ Association conference? Lots of it is networking. LOTS. But you’ll also normally find sessions on things like relevant to the field — so the Northeastern Teapot Makers’ Association conference might have sessions on recent developments in spout technology, the legislative landscape for teapot makers, how new regulations in Vermont are playing out on the ground, attracting non-traditional candidates to the field, building a social media program for your teapots, and so forth. 15. QTMFJA Another advice columnist I read occasionally has an acronym for when he wants to make it clear to a letter writer that they have stayed in a relationship for too long in the face of unreasonable behavior and need to dump their partner. What would your acronym be? Something along the lines of: TTBYR (Time To Brush Up Your Resume), TJINRFY (This Job Is No Longer Right For You), DTEES (Deploy The Emergency Exit Slide), SYJH (Start Your Job Hunt)? YBSAIGTC Your boss sucks and isn’t going to change. It’s not very catchy. 14. Being glutened at work I have a severe intolerance to gluten — think similar reaction that celiac people have. At work I avoid pretty much everything that I haven’t brought in myself due to “hidden gluten” or fear of cross contamination. I have very pushy coworkers who won’t accept a “no” for an answer. What’s a more polite way to say “I know you said you read all the labels, but if you made a mistake I will be pooping blood in an hour, and I can’t risk that”? “Thank you, but I’m under strict orders from my doctor not to make exceptions.” “Thank you, but no.” “It’s a medical restriction and it’s not flexible.” If someone keeps pushing after one of those, they’re being rude — but you don’t need to convince them or even engage at all. Change the subject, find a reason you need to leave the room, etc. 13. Paid leave A former employer offered paid days off for jury duty. A condition to receive the paid time off was that we had to pay them the money the court gave us for serving on a jury. It’s a pretty common policy. The idea is that you’re not supposed to profit off of jury duty. 12. Apologizing vs. thanking I had a mentor advise that, if I’m responding later than anticipated, I should use “thank you for your patience” rather that “sorry for the delay.” Do you have any thoughts or feelings on the distinction? A lot of people recommend this. I don’t always love it! It makes sense in situations where you really don’t need to apologize (and it can be a particularly useful switch for people who over-apologize), but I’d be mildly annoyed if someone made me wait for them (not for an email, but for a call or in-person appointment) and then said “thank you for your patience” rather than just apologizing — I’d prefer they take responsibility for the delay. 11. Is naming a baby Donald a political statement? Donald was the name of a beloved and favorite uncle of mine. He died before 2016. If I had kids, I always wanted to name one of my children after him. Now that I’m pregnant, I’m wondering if my coworkers will think negatively of me for naming my baby Donald. Is the name tainted? Or I am just overthinking things? (My last name is not Trump.) Donald is not a tainted name (so far, anyway). It’s not like naming your baby Adolph. Go ahead and use it. LET’S ALL RECLAIM DONALD. 10. Book recommendations If you read quite often, and I think you do, do you just recommend the book that you finished reading that week in your weekly book recommendations? Have you ever not finished reading a book because you just couldn’t get through it? I give up on books ALL THE TIME. I won’t stick with a book if I’m not liking it (and I’m currently in a slump where I’m not finishing a ton of books I start) and I won’t recommend it here if I didn’t like it. A lot of my book recommendations here are things I read recently, but I also have a long list of previous stuff that I liked but haven’t recommended here yet that I can always pull from if needed. (In fact, a couple of weeks ago I recommended Fleishman Is In Trouble and my husband saw it and was like, “Oh are you in a reading slump?” because he knows it’s been a couple of years since I read it and I felt very known in that moment.) 9. One piece of advice for new managers You have a lot of great advice on your blog for new managers, but if you were to have to pick ONE top tip for new managers, what would it be? Say what’s in your head. This applies to everything from laying out expectations for what a particular piece of work should look like and how someone should approach it to addressing problems. If you have thoughts that are going to affect how successful you think someone is in their role, they need to hear those thoughts, explicitly, from you. Don’t expect people to read your mind. 8. Things to know before you start What would be good things to ask before your first day of work, and when should I ask? The number of times I’ve been awkwardly waiting at the front door of the business until someone let me in isn’t a lot, but enough to be embarrassing. Ask about dress code (if it wasn’t already quite clear from your interview) and what time you should arrive. Nothing beyond that is universally essential, although if you want to you can also ask if you there’s anything in particular you should prepare ahead of time. (There shouldn’t be! You shouldn’t be asked to do work before you start. But saying that will sometimes elicit useful info about had to expect on your first day.) 7. Surprise Me button Your Surprise Me button is probably my favorite thing on the Internet but I’m always sad when I want to comment on an oldie because you close the comments so quickly after a new column goes up. Why is that? I comment occasionally on current posts during the window but I often find old posts I’d love to ask for an update on! A few reasons: Moderation takes time and energy and there’s a much lower return on investment after the first couple of days a post is up (since the conversation has mostly moved on after that point— and for some reason late-arriving comments are much more likely to be odd or off-topic). Also, older posts attract more spam. 6. Etiquette around gifted baked goods Not exactly high-stakes, but what is the etiquette around receiving baked goods? When I was first starting out in my career, I had an acquaintance from another department bake me a birthday cake. Less than half of it was eaten by the end of the day and I didn’t know what else to do with it, so I decided to take it home (we didn’t have access to tupperware and I didn’t want it to attract critters). The baker caught me walking out with it and did NOT like that I was taking it home. It seemed like she didn’t want me to take her plate home and heavily implied that I was robbing others from being able to enjoy the cake. I ended up still bring it home, but did I commit some major faux pas? No! Typically if someone brings food in for you, you get the leftovers unless other arrangements are explicitly requested. You presumably weren’t intending to steal her plate and were using it for necessary transport, then would have washed it and returned it. This is normal. Your coworker was being weird. 5. Badgers in the office If there’s a family of badgers living in a supply closet in our office and the company refuses to do anything about it since they insist it’s the exterminator’s job and the exterminator says they don’t handle badgers, what should we as employees do? We are scared of the badgers. This is super out of my wheelhouse, but can someone call a wildlife relocator instead? Why are we exterminating these badgers rather than moving them to a more suitable habitat? 4. Gossip or fair game? If another coworker leaves something in the copier/printer that indicates they will be leaving your employer (think copy of a driver’s license or passport) that you discover by accident, is that knowledge gossip or privileged? Or is it fair game to share with other colleagues? It’s not fair game to share. If it was meant to be private, treat it as private. (But also, I wouldn’t assume copying a license or passport indicates they’re applying for a job, particularly since those documents generally need to be examined in person anyway.) 3. Weird offboarding experience I’m leaving my job at a startup (~30 people) this Friday and they have just been so strange with the offboarding. It started with no acknowledgement from leadership when I handed my notice in 2 months ago (they work with me almost daily – never brought it up and only mentioned re-hiring in a wider team meeting once). Now I’m two days away and there’s been no company announcement beyond my small, immediate team, no exit interviews scheduled, no arranging to collect my devices, no equity info. This doesn’t read petty to me fyi, just lazy. I don’t want to have to remind a (very experienced) HR person to have to do their job but I’m also pretty angry at this all and not quite sure what to do. Beyond the equity buyout which I will be following up on for obvious reasons, I feel quite conflicted about how much I should act here and how much I should just ride this out and run as far away as possible. Figure out which stuff will be more of a hassle for you if it doesn’t get addressed before you leave (probably just equity info and device return) and address that stuff yourself. If they don’t want to do the rest of the normal departure things, so be it. (For what it’s worth, it’s not necessarily that weird that they’re not doing an exit interview — not everywhere does — but they’re definitely being weird about not telling people, not talking to you about transition items, etc.) 2. Who pays? When doing networking coffee dates, I know it’s typical that the person asking is the person who pays. How does it work if I’m asking a more senior person (such as a person who isn’t my direct supervisor but on that same level and in a supervisory role over others in my role) — do I pay since I’m the person asking to learn more from her? Or would it be weird if I paid since she is more senior in my company? If you did the inviting, you should plan to pay. The more senior person is likely to offer to pay and if they do you can let them — but go in assuming you’re paying as the invitation-issuer. 1. Debt relief versus a bad job I’m in a job-based student loan repayment program. If I stick it out, the equivalent of half my loans will be paid off, which is huge for me. Problem is my job sucks. The culture is cliquey and toxic, the boss is volatile and codependent, and the work is unfulfilling. I have less than two years I have to stay, and leaving early would mean paying back the program. But it’s hard to put up with this place and feel myself die a little bit each day. New to the workplace, is this an adulting thing you just put up with? Only you can decide if it’s worth it to you, but half your loans paid off and less than two years to go? I’d stick it out unless it’s unsafe, you’re being harassed, or something else truly intolerable. (That said, if you could move to another job that would still qualify you for the repayment program, look into that!) { 655 comments }
Diana* August 28, 2024 at 2:02 pm I’m a newish people manager and want to not be a terrible manager to my employee(s)- we’re all remote. This is a super broad question, but do you have a top thing for new managers to do/read? I do a lot of AAM reading which helps me see what not to do! Thanks!
Cordelia* August 28, 2024 at 2:04 pm you need to ask the questions up above, Alison won’t see them here, she says this in the intro
Myrin* August 28, 2024 at 2:30 pm Just a heads-up that you need to use the linked form to ask a question since Alison won’t see it when posted here!
Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.* August 28, 2024 at 2:09 pm BADGERS IN THE OFFICE?! I need all the emojis.
Michelle H* August 28, 2024 at 2:11 pm Yes! Scrolled to the comments as soon as I saw the badgers question!
Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.* August 28, 2024 at 2:23 pm Yes, some questions, in no particular order for the LW: 1) Where are you? 2) How many badgers are we talking about here? 3) How big is your supply closet? 4) Did you name the badgers? (Telling on myself: they’d 100% have names by now if this were my office.) 5) How are your managers so blase about BADGERS?! 6) Are the badgers eating all the supplies? 7) Where are they doing their business? 8) Is there business aligned with YOUR business? (IE: did you happen to acquire a family of accounting badgers and you’re all CPA’s?) I don’t mean to make fun of this- this is such a problem! But my brain is broken. Badgers. In the office.
Fitz* August 28, 2024 at 2:24 pm 9) If they ARE accounting badgers, where can I get some? I’m willing to hire almost anyone at this point.
bamcheeks* August 28, 2024 at 2:38 pm 10) Crossover post: does anyone have a song about accounting and gadgets?
Elitist Semicolon* August 28, 2024 at 3:16 pm 11) Are they European badgers or North American badgers? Because that makes a difference in determining whether you need to be afraid of them (and possibly also explains why no one wants to deal with them).
Nebula* August 29, 2024 at 5:24 am It has to be North American badgers. You could not have a family of European badgers living in a supply closet, they’re massive and live in vast tunnel networks that get passed down through generations. From some quick googling of North American badgers, a supply closet is obviously still not a great habitat for them, but I can understand how they might decide to have babies there.
Irish Teacher.* August 29, 2024 at 8:51 am Ah, I’m in Ireland and was wondering how on earth badgers would get into a supply closet.
Capybarely* August 29, 2024 at 1:33 pm Well now I want the children’s story/horror novel about the family of badgers whose ancestral lands have an office built into one of their tunnels.
Media Monkey* August 29, 2024 at 6:22 am i didn’t realise there were different kinds of badgers. i’m in the UK and was terrified about the idea of a family of badgers in an office as they are massive and aggressive (one took our garden fence out trying to squeeze under it)
Lenora Rose* August 29, 2024 at 11:09 am Even North American Badgers are large and aggressive, they’re just not Quite as big.
soontoberetired* August 28, 2024 at 4:29 pm We have badgers all over the place where I work. Because I am in Wisconsin and one of the many alums of the University. In all seriousness, if this is the US, and they have animal Badgers in the supply office, how did the get there? They are seriously dangerous animals if they feel attacked. And nocturnal. I understand mice and snakes getting into offices but badgers?
A reader among many* August 28, 2024 at 9:51 pm With apologies to that letter-writer, their situation and these questions make me unreasonably happy.
goddessoftransitory* August 28, 2024 at 5:37 pm They’re territorial as hell, especially if it’s a sett with baby badgers in it.
nnn* August 28, 2024 at 8:18 pm That’s what I’m thinking. If your municipality has animal control (or, if it doesn’t, the nearest community that does have animal control) they’ll be able to at least point you in the right direction.
Worldwalker* August 28, 2024 at 10:56 pm I haven’t had badgers, but I did have a family of raccoons in the attic. (Mom and two half-grown kits) We called a local beast-removal service. They put out raccoon repellent and put a one-way flap where they got in. The raccoons decamped. (I did get some cute pics via a remote camera, which is how I found out they weren’t squirrels)
Freya* August 29, 2024 at 12:44 am In my part of Australia, it’s Wildcare. Unless it’s snakes, in which case it’s either Wildcare or Canberra Snake Rescue, depending. If I lived further into Canberra, I’d call Access Canberra or ACT Wildlife, who will contact the right people on my behalf, if appropriate.
OwnedByCats* August 29, 2024 at 3:18 am Or wildlife rescue/rehab. They may not come to get it, but they will absolutely know who will, and they’re invested in it being someone ethical & skilled, who isn’t going to create more work for the rehab!
T.N.H* August 28, 2024 at 2:14 pm Depending on where they are, it is illegal to kill a badger. The local information hotline might be a place to start.
DannyG* August 28, 2024 at 2:42 pm I was thinking about the state wildlife agency as a first step. I had a neighbor who worked for a licensed wildlife removal company. They would remove critters (raccoons, bats, etc) and release legally as well as remediation of the property. The exterminator can subcontract to someone like that.
Fitz* August 28, 2024 at 2:17 pm Am I the only one who assumed it was some kind of metaphor? They can’t have actual badgers living in their actual closet, can they?
Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.* August 28, 2024 at 2:24 pm If this is the new “office full of bees,” I’m here for it and will just adopt, “We have badgers in our supply closet,” as the new, “this office is bananapants” metaphor.
Elizabeth the Ginger* August 28, 2024 at 2:24 pm I don’t think you get an exterminator for metaphorical badgers… exterminators might or might not deal with badgers but in my experience they’ve never been helpful with metaphors.
Sharpie* August 29, 2024 at 7:36 am What you need in this particular case is a metaphorical exterminator.
SarahKay* August 29, 2024 at 9:31 am This was the comment in the thread where I started to cry with laughter!
Antilles* August 28, 2024 at 2:32 pm The fact they asked about exterminators is a pretty specific thing, so it doesn’t make sense as a metaphor. Because the instant you ask a question relating to badgers in the supply closet, you’re going to get back an answer specifically related to wildlife. At most, I could maybe see OP trying to mildly anonymize it by choosing a different animal, (e.g., the real animal is rattlesnakes but you say badgers).
Linda* August 28, 2024 at 2:37 pm Yeah, that was my assumption, that it’s really a different animal. I think European badgers are slightly less aggressive, but American badgers in the supply closet would have me looking for a different job quick. Maybe one working with something better tempered, like a bear
JustaTech* August 28, 2024 at 6:14 pm Don’t lots of badgers in the UK have tuberculosis? I think I remember reading about that and how, combined with laws protecting badgers after centuries of hunting them, it’s been a real problem for dairy farmers (cows get TB from the badgers).
londonedit* August 29, 2024 at 4:45 am That is a massively contentious and controversial issue here! No one can agree on the best way to control bovine TB and no one can really agree on the extent of the badgers’ role in the whole thing. Badgers are protected here, and a much-loved part of the British countryside for many people (they’re different from US badgers and quite difficult to see in the wild) so culling them is hugely, hugely controversial. Look up Brian May (yes, Brian May of Queen) and his work on the issue.
Magenta* August 29, 2024 at 8:59 am I wish to dispute the idea that they are “much-loved” and “difficult to see” ;) I don’t live rurally, I’m in a town just north of London and badgers are a frequent sight. My friend was cycling home one evening on a tow path next to a wooded area and was chased by an angry badger, he had to pedal away at full speed!
Zoe* August 29, 2024 at 10:25 am I’m in the UK and I’ve never seen a badger in real life – very jealous!
Rainy* August 28, 2024 at 2:51 pm This was my assumption as well–and honestly my first thought was “it’s bats and they’re worried it’s going to be too identifiable.” If it’s a wild animal that’s not a rodent, they should be calling the city or county and asking who to get in touch with about it, because if it *is* bats and they kill them, they’ve probably broken a law. (Most states have bat protection laws in addition to the species-specific federal protections.)
Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.* August 28, 2024 at 3:02 pm It could be raccoons or possums, I suppose. I’d still have the same questions about it, even if it weren’t badgers. I had a raccoon living in the dumpster at my job in retail and had…thoughts…about it since the dumpster was attached to the building and it was a literal hop skip and jump for the raccoon to end up inside. (Also, there was a trash compactor in the dumpster and I didn’t want a squished raccoon.) We had an exterminator who said they trap them, so I’m guessing it’s NOT a raccoon, but your point still stands. I’m hoping it’s badgers though.
Nonanon* August 28, 2024 at 3:16 pm Honestly, MOST other wildlife seems less obvious/identifiable than “badgers.”
Kara* August 29, 2024 at 10:51 pm I was wondering about wasps, myself. But part of me really hoped it’s actually badgers.
Noquestionsplease* August 28, 2024 at 6:50 pm I was definitely thinking squirrels. Obviously rats or mice would be handled by an exterminator. Anything bigger than a squirrel, like a BADGER or a raccoon, would cause immediate calls to Animal Control.
fhqwhgads* August 28, 2024 at 10:46 pm I assume it is a real animal presence situation but perhaps not actually badgers for anonymity reasons.
New Jack Karyn* August 28, 2024 at 11:16 pm No, I’m with you. I think it’s something like abusive customers, clients, or vendors. Combination of building security won’t interfere if a person isn’t literally violent at that moment, and management won’t end services to people being abusive to their staff.
Lenora Rose* August 29, 2024 at 11:12 am I don’t think you’re allowed to call the exterminators for those. Or wildlife rehabilitation.
WheresMyPen* August 29, 2024 at 11:16 am You think they have abusive customers living in their supply closet? ;) I can’t see why they would use that metaphor? It’s not exactly helpful to their situation for Alison to suggest calling a wildlife relocator if the problem is actually human in nature.
Lexi Vipond* August 28, 2024 at 2:35 pm There’s a Norwegian song about a badger in the ceiling which I now have in my head…
Phony Genius* August 28, 2024 at 3:06 pm Regarding the use of an exterminator, some exterminators offer trapping services.
Red Reader the Adulting Fairy* August 28, 2024 at 3:21 pm My husband is getting a new kitten next month who has been being called Badger. (His brother rescued the litter and has been raising them after mama had an unfortunate run-in with a motor vehicle.) So he better keep his Badger in his office until she learns how to be a polite member of our household.
TLW* August 28, 2024 at 5:26 pm I have “we’re scared of the badgers” running through my brain on a constant loop now. I’ve been snort laughing for at least 10 minutes.
goddessoftransitory* August 28, 2024 at 5:36 pm I flipped out immediately! And yes, call a relocation person, not an exterminator! I get that badgers are quite ferocious when they feel threatened and not something you expect to see in your supply closet, but call the relocation people.
I only want everything (especially the badger story)* August 28, 2024 at 10:10 pm I’m seeing two possibilities here: 1) Badgers in the supply closet is a hypothetical scenario and the LW is trying to find out what Alison’s limits are when it comes to answering work questions (and I use the term “work questions” in the loosest possible way for this one! “What question can I ask that she won’t be able to answer?”) 2) There are literal badgers in a literal supply closet. If it’s #2 please know that I need all of the details. Alison please flag this one for an update with an extra request for the prequel!
Hannah Lee* August 29, 2024 at 10:27 am BADGERS IN THE OFFICE?! immediately calls to mind otters in a plane and makes me giggle (Cabin Pressure reference)
Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.* August 29, 2024 at 10:33 am I don’t know “otters in a plane” but boy howdy, I enjoy Snakes on a Plane.
SarahKay* August 30, 2024 at 6:25 am UK radio show called Cabin Pressure, episode Ottery St Mary – highly recommend. (I recommend the entire 26 episodes, not just that one, but that is one of my favourites.) There is a discussion about how many otters one can safely fit on a 19-seater plane, specifically could you make it to 100 otters?
Samwise* August 28, 2024 at 2:11 pm OP 5 – -we don’t need no stinkin badgers Call OSHA and maybe the local animal control agency
Sara without an H* August 28, 2024 at 2:39 pm I would call the local humane society and ask if they do wildlife relocation and, if not, do they know a wildlife relocation/rehab service that they can recommend? Our local news just covered a fascinating story about our local wildlife rehab agency teaming up with the fire department to rescue a small, terrified raccoon that had somehow got stranded halfway up an office building. Point is, there are people out there who do this. And I hope OP5 sends us an update.
Samwise* August 28, 2024 at 3:35 pm Nah, don’t do any of this yourself, unless it is specifically your job to address it. From the letter, clearly it is not the OP’s assigned job. OP should not take charge of this. It’s up to the boss/grandboss/whomever to deal with. I suggested OSHA and animal control because then the OP is **reporting** the problem. Which presumably will light a fire under the employer to try harder. Especially if they get a citation or are ordered to close up until the problem is resolved.
Kimmy Schmidt* August 28, 2024 at 2:54 pm The state Department of Natural Resources or Fish and Wildlife may also be able to help.
Isben Takes Tea* August 28, 2024 at 3:31 pm If it’s a matter of getting the company to move on it, I agree with contacting your local OSHA office to get the appropriate citation/standard for vermin control.
Mo* August 28, 2024 at 2:11 pm To LW1, yes, in general working involves putting up with things you don’t like in exchange for things you want/need (money, benefits). Erasing half of your student debt can be life changing. Without knowing a lot of detail, the tradeoff is almost certainly worth it in this case.
Beth* August 28, 2024 at 2:12 pm A countdown calendar might help — with notes on how much debt is being erased for every week (or day) (or hour) of putting up with the crap.
Been There* August 28, 2024 at 2:14 pm Agree. I was in this situation myself and I know that two years feels like a really long time when you’re feeling stuck and demoralized, but it is nothing compared to the weight you’ll feel lifted when those student loans are gone. And then you’ll feel really liberated to pursue any way more opportunities without worrying about whether your job will qualify for a loan forgiveness program. Hang in there.
noname today* August 28, 2024 at 2:18 pm Add the debt relief to your income calculations—instead of making X per month you’re making X+(month of debt relief). And should you leave for a job that doesn’t qualify for the debt relief, you’ll need that +amount to pay off the loan. And, on bad days do start researching other jobs that would offer the same amount—or more—of debt relief.
RagingADHD* August 28, 2024 at 2:55 pm Exactly. You say the pay isn’t great, but are you counting those debt relief payments as (presumably) tax free income? That is likely to make the pay seem a whole lot better.
Sloanicota* August 28, 2024 at 2:21 pm This question depends on how much OP’s debt is ($10K may feel terrible to owe, but $5K is money you could get in a raise and pay off in a year).
Oui oui oui all the way home* August 29, 2024 at 12:39 am I thought the typical college debt for Americans was closer to $50,000 or more.
Emmy Noether* August 29, 2024 at 1:29 am Yes, it depends on the numbers – how high the debt is, what LW could expect to be paid in a different job, and what their cost of living is. If LW could easily pay off the same amount in, say, 4 years (twice the time) in a not-sucky job, I say change jobs. If it’s going to take 30 years to pay off the debt, stick out the 2 years to move that date up significantly.
Your Former Password Resetter* August 28, 2024 at 2:30 pm But you also are not expected to put up with anything and everything, even if you get paid a lot of money. You can (and financially probably should) make a concious decision to work here for the big debt payoff. But in general if a workplace is awful and toxic you look for a better workplace instead of just bearing it forever. In the meantime we have a lot of posts here of coping with bad bosses and work culture, I think you can find a lot of practical advice in there!
A Simple Narwhal* August 28, 2024 at 4:06 pm Alison has recommended treating crappy workplaces as though you’re an anthropologist studying a strange new culture. It makes things a lot easier to deal with if you’re mentally removed from them rather than embroiled in them: “this culture has some strange customs I must observe whilst I live among them”.
Retitrree* August 28, 2024 at 4:49 pm If you’re in the public service loan forgiveness, can you find another public service job? I had three altogether.
Adam* August 29, 2024 at 2:14 am An old coworker of mine had a catchphrase he used whenever he had to do a task he didn’t like: “Well, that’s why they call it compensation.”
It is not weak to get out* August 30, 2024 at 9:18 pm I disagree…no amount of money is worth sacrificing my happiness. A job is likely never going to be perfect, but a toxic environment, bad boss, and unfulfilling job sounds like time to escape regardless of the financial cost. This is not an upper middle class who doesn’t get it perspective. I was in a job a few years ago that I thought I had to survive at least a year for not identical but similar reasons…I was so much less stressed out wondering how I was going to afford rent and food than I was working that job. I feel that leaving was absolutely the best thing that happened to me. Money cannot buy happiness. Remember that there are people living a satisfied life working minimum wage jobs. It isn’t fun having to figure out whether you should pay the electricity or the water bill this week because you can’t pay both, but it is so much better than the dread of going back to an awful job every day. Like my mom has reminded my siblings and I many times, a problem that money can solve is not a problem. It totally might *feel* like a problem, but it isn’t. Your life is your most important resource – don’t destroy it with a job that sucks out all your joy.
KathyG* August 31, 2024 at 3:35 am Something to consider: can you continue to do a good job while you are that unhappy? I know that for myself the answer always turned out to be “no”.
Samwise* August 28, 2024 at 2:13 pm OP 6 Your coworker must not be Southern. Everyone knows you take the cake home, wash the plate, and bring it back with either a very nice thank you card or with your own baked good offering.
Worldwalker* August 28, 2024 at 11:28 pm I’m originally from PA and I knew this! I thought that was how everybody did it.
Wren* August 28, 2024 at 2:39 pm I am southern and did not know this. I would also prefer to not get a cake and thus not have to bring the plate home to wash and return.
Rocket Raccoon* August 28, 2024 at 3:48 pm I live 2 hours south of the Canadian border and everyone I know would wash the plate and bring it back. In fact most of us own specific “potluck dishes” that we wouldn’t miss if they took awhile to find their way home.
MotherofaPickle* August 28, 2024 at 4:05 pm If you’re Midwestern, you supply a method for the cake to travel home. If you’re *really* Midwestern, you bring take-home containers for everybody.
Pescadero* August 29, 2024 at 9:46 am If you’re Midwestern, you supply a method for the cake to travel home – and it’s usually an old Cool Whip container saved to be used in place of Tupperware… and you don’t want it back.
Orv* August 28, 2024 at 4:30 pm I agree that this is good etiquette, but I’ll note that in my office it works a little differently — assuming it’s something like cake that will keep, it’s often covered overnight and then put out again the next day in case someone still wants some.
TechWorker* August 28, 2024 at 4:37 pm Same here although a little different in that I don’t think people usually (ever?) bring in cakes for other people, it’s more usually ‘it’s my birthday so I brought cake’, ‘my wife made more cake than we can eat*’, or ‘I brought in snacks from whatever country I just visited’. I will accept all types of free cake :p (I would say ‘spouse’ but thus far it’s always been a wife..)
Filosofickle* August 28, 2024 at 6:20 pm I was surprised to see that the response was an unequivocal “what you did was fine” rather than “know your office/baker.” If I’d been given a birthday cake by a coworker, it wouldn’t have even occurred to me to take it home! I would have kept the leftovers at work for everyone to keep noshing on. Just like any other kind of cake/cookies/donuts at the office, despite the cake being made specifically for me.
Rebecca* August 28, 2024 at 8:20 pm Team Know Your Office/Baker here. My office would be the same as your office.
amoeba* August 29, 2024 at 5:38 am Same here! I’d be quite disappointed if the leftovers were gone at the end of the day. Not to the point of complaining, obviously! But it’s always great if there’s more the next day.
Persephone Mulberry* August 28, 2024 at 11:50 pm My theory is it wasn’t about the plate at all. The cake was ostensibly “for” you, but Coworker expected to take the leftovers home for herself.
Kat* August 29, 2024 at 12:19 am Ah, that makes sense. Or the co-worker was enjoying offering the ‘gift’ around and wasn’t ready for the thanks and compliments on the cake to end with OP’s departure.
Jellybeans* August 29, 2024 at 1:16 am Hard disagree. It’s extremely rude to sneak out with someone’s personal property without asking them. Why did the LW not ask if she could borrow the item? I would be completely taken aback to witness someone walking off with a personal item of mine she had pocketed.
M* August 29, 2024 at 9:29 am I suspect this one is cultural norms. I’m Australian, spent a while in the UK, and now live in Germany – in *none* of those cultural contexts would you even consider taking the crockery someone else’s baked goods came in on, even if they were brought in for your birthday. (And depending on the office, office-birthday-cake would generally be an office treat, not a gift for the birthday-person to share and then take home to enjoy.) You ask the baker how they’d like to store the leftovers, and take it from there.
Deborah Vance, Vance Refrigeration* August 30, 2024 at 2:08 pm I’m not even American and I know this!
Orv* August 28, 2024 at 2:13 pm There are a number of things that can require a copy of a license or passport other than applying for a new job. I think LW#4 is making a bit of a leap here.
OpsOrganizer* August 28, 2024 at 2:14 pm My first thought would be that they’re buying a car or moving to a new place. Bit odd to jump straight to “leaving for new job.”
Elizabeth the Ginger* August 28, 2024 at 2:23 pm Applying for a loan, spouse is taking a minor child to Canada and needs documentation that the employee knows and approves, getting on an approved-field-trip-drivers list for child’s school… I haven’t changed jobs in over a decade but I’ve had to have copies of my driver’s license or passport for many things. But also, none of your beeswax why your coworker is copying their ID. It has nothing to do with you.
Antilles* August 28, 2024 at 2:38 pm That was my first thought too. The US Department of State explicitly recommends making a photocopy of your passport and driver’s license. It doesn’t count as a valid ID, but if something goes wrong and you need to replace your passport, the photocopy goes a long way in smoothing out that process.
DannyG* August 28, 2024 at 2:57 pm When oldest granddaughter got married we gifted flight and hotel for honeymoon. They had their wallets stolen at the beach. Thankfully, I had their ID’s scanned and saved. The security at the airport there accepted the photos + police report for them to come home. Apparently this was a daily occurrence at this resort area.
The Prettiest Curse* August 28, 2024 at 2:16 pm I’ve had to copy and scan ID documents SO MANY times for immigration purposes. And there’s plenty of other reasons to copy or scan them as well.
Irish Teacher.* August 28, 2024 at 2:19 pm Yeah, I would never think “applying to a new job” from photocopying a passport. I guess it’s possible but I’d be more likely to think of opening a bank account or applying for a loan
Orv* August 28, 2024 at 4:52 pm My experience is, at least in the US, the “show us your ID” part comes when you’re being onboarded and they need to verify your work status. I always bring my passport to my first day at a new job, for that reason.
londonedit* August 29, 2024 at 4:47 am Yes, same here. I’ve never had to provide a copy of my passport at the application stage – that’s only required when you actually start the job. You bring your passport on your first day and HR take a copy.
learnedthehardway* August 28, 2024 at 2:54 pm Seriously!!! I can think of SEVERAL other possibilities – including simply copying the documents to have copies of them. We keep copies of our ID documents simply because it’s handy to know what our passport number was, in case it ever got lost or stolen. Same with health cards, driver’s licenses, etc. etc.
Ellis Bell* August 28, 2024 at 2:59 pm The likelihood of getting it wrong is just one of many, many reasons to not gossip at work.
Dust Bunny* August 28, 2024 at 3:14 pm Right? I had to make copies when I change car insurance, and I think I brought copies when I renewed my license, just in case, even though I was also bringing the originals to show them. I probably needed copies to renew my passport, too. There are a zillion reasons other than job hunting that you might need copies of your various forms of ID.
I Have RBF* August 28, 2024 at 3:29 pm Yep. You sometimes need identity documents for loans, or court cases, or insurance, etc.
Artemesia* August 28, 2024 at 3:37 pm And additionally — if they left a medical report or a financial report would the OP think it ‘fair game’ to gossip that around the office? The whole concept of ‘fair game’ is really hostile in most situations and certainly in this one.
Distracted Procrastinator* August 29, 2024 at 1:49 pm In situations like this, I always picture the OP needing back up in an argument with a coworker. Like the coworker is the one claiming “fair game” and the OP does not agree with the premise.
mlem* August 28, 2024 at 4:01 pm Opening an online bank account. Claiming funds. So many possibilities!
Stars at night* August 28, 2024 at 5:08 pm Or my favorite reason for having to provide my license- adopting a dog from a shelter!
Zephy* August 28, 2024 at 6:00 pm +1. For plenty of people, the printer/scanner/fax machine at the office is the only one they have access to, and there are plenty of situations that require copies of government IDs that have nothing to do with job-searching.
Hlao-roo* August 28, 2024 at 2:13 pm #8 – Sometimes it’s good to ask for a contact person too. Could be just a name to give the person at the front desk on your first day (“Hi, it’s my first day and I was told to ask for John Smith”) or a person’s cell/desk phone number to call when you arrive on your first day (if there’s no front desk person to open the door).
NoMoreFirstTimeCommenter* August 28, 2024 at 2:21 pm Another thing is food. Is there some kind of restaurant at or near the workplace, where people would typically go, or should you bring something with you? Is there a fridge and/or a microwave available?
Snow Angels in the Zen Garden* August 28, 2024 at 5:23 pm Seconding anything with food for a different reason. It wasn’t disclosed to me in advance that I would be taken out for lunch on my first day of work. This required visiting an unfamiliar restaurant, disclosing a food-related disability to my new boss and grandboss, and asking a lot of questions of the wait staff that I wasn’t comfortable with yet in front of them.
Jaydee* August 28, 2024 at 2:39 pm I’ll add parking. Like is there a lot or a parking ramp, or is it street parking? If it’s street parking, is it metered? Is there separate visitor parking and employee parking? Will you need to park one place when you first get there and a different place after getting a parking pass?
Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender* August 28, 2024 at 2:14 pm #1 If you stick with it, consider therapy or self-help for developing coping strategies for burnout. Coping strategies won’t fix it, but can make things more bearable or keep your head a little clearer until you can peace out of there. That feeling of “dying a little but each day”… oof, I’ve been there. Best of luck.
learnedthehardway* August 28, 2024 at 3:00 pm Sometimes, just making a plan can help with sticking in place for a while. Eg. you could work on some training or certification that would assist you to make a job change, keep a running log of your accomplishments and continuously update your resume, make a list of companies that you would like to work for and research them, join an association in your field and get involved in meetups, etc. Then, about 6 months before your loan repayment term is done, start a real job hunt. Take your time and look for the right next step. When I made a career misstep and joined the wrong company, I took stock of things, realized that the economy did not support me going to find another job, and that I was pretty safe where I was (it was a recession). But I invested in my education / training, and got myself into a position to get a great job when the economy improved. It worked out well.
Spencer Hastings* August 28, 2024 at 2:14 pm I had to send a scan of my driver’s license to apply for a New York Public Library card (you can get one if you live or go to school anywhere in the state). There are so many reasons someone might need to scan their photo ID!
Excel-sior* August 28, 2024 at 2:14 pm I believe the badgers may be coaxed out with mash potatoes, although this information is possibly based solely on British children’s TV
Time for Tea* August 28, 2024 at 2:18 pm Well that made me snort-laugh, and now the theme tune is in my head.
Ellis Bell* August 28, 2024 at 3:02 pm I will also blame British children’s television for the fact that the word “exterminator” genuinely made me screech out loud. Also, yes mashed potato would surely save the day here.
Magenta* August 29, 2024 at 9:05 am I’d managed to avoid getting it stuck in my head until I got to your comment!
Beth* August 28, 2024 at 2:14 pm Re #4 — holy hannah, treat your colleagues’ stuff the same way you’d like them to treat yours, whether it’s in the copier, the printer, the print queue, lost on the server, dropped in the hall, whatever! Do NOT spread it around. (Says the IT person whose most “interesting” find involved a colleague’s fertility struggles.)
Reebee* August 28, 2024 at 2:50 pm Yeah, good call. I don’t even get why it’s a question to begin with. Gossiping about someone’s personal info., simply because the person left something behind (likely by mistake), is truly mean-spirited.
NobodyHasTimeForThis* August 28, 2024 at 4:07 pm And for cripes sake, if you are going to make up a story in your head about why a coworker might have a specific piece of paperwork, surely your imagination can do better than job hunting. I could almost see the future AAM post. “I left my personal documents on the copier and my coworker spread rumors about me that got me fired!”
Stella70* August 28, 2024 at 2:16 pm If the badger question is real, and I hope with all my heart it is, a live trap is your new friend. You can borrow one from an animal shelter, a community service officer of your local police department, a wildlife refuge. I would not recommend an Amazon box, because they have gotten so environmental-ish regarding the thickness of their corrugated boxes (a few moments of dedicated chewing and you will have loose badgers in your Prius). Google will tell you where to rehome your grateful little friends. NOTE: Don’t forget to pat them down for stolen office supplies; they are a species known to covet paper clips and staplers.
The Prettiest Curse* August 28, 2024 at 2:18 pm It’s a well-known office fact that badgers are responsible for 93% of all office supply theft.
Fitz* August 28, 2024 at 2:26 pm Does it count as theft if they’re eating the highlighters instead of taking them home for their kids’ school projects?
dontbeadork* August 28, 2024 at 2:19 pm I wouldn’t try to relocate the badgers on my own. Call whatever your fish and wildlife department is called in your area to find out who can and how to do it.
Chicago Anon* August 28, 2024 at 2:56 pm Yes, seriously—at least where I live, releasing wild animals is not legal unless you meet certain requirements!
wordswords* August 28, 2024 at 3:27 pm Agreed! A live trap is almost certainly going to be used at some point by someone, but it’s a tactic with a real “uhhhhhh now what??” when you have one or more badgers snarling at you from traps and no experts on hand with a plan for where to take them and how. I would definitely not trust Google to provide all relevant info on this one!
Mentally Spicy* August 28, 2024 at 4:19 pm I was on my way to work In my hybrid ve-hi-cle Drivin’ through the canyon And singin’ Glen Campbell I pulled into a truck stop To grab myself some Bud And that’s when I discovered Them critters in my hood I got badgers in my Prius Got raccoons in my Jeep Got beavers in my Tesla Oh I’m in trouble deep My Chevrolet is full of owls My Chrysler contains nothin’ but cows Got badgers in my Prius Oh good lord hear me now
Mentally Spicy* August 28, 2024 at 4:22 pm Dammit, meant to reply to the “hit country song” comment below. (Also, I live in the UK and wrote that with the Wikipedia pages for “US animals” and “US car brands” open in separate tabs!)
Noquestionsplease* August 28, 2024 at 6:58 pm Alison, can you please re-consider setting up a LIKE button??
Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.* August 28, 2024 at 2:30 pm Havahart has to have a live trap for badgers. I mean, they have an armadillo trap, so why not badgers?
Chirpy* August 28, 2024 at 11:53 pm They definitely have one the right size, though I don’t remember if it’s marketed for badgers.
Beth* August 28, 2024 at 2:54 pm “Loose Badgers in my Prius” is the name of my next hit prog-country song.
Paint N Drip* August 29, 2024 at 12:04 pm Let me know when it’s done, I’d like to give it a heavy punk cover
my cat is prettier than me* August 28, 2024 at 2:18 pm I hope it’s not a honey badger- cause honey badger don’t give a shit! (this is a reference)
disconnect* August 28, 2024 at 8:30 pm https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg&pp=ygUVcmFuZGFsbCBob25leSBiYWRnZXIg Here is the video referenced in the above comment. Do not attempt to eat or drink while watching this video.
Ferret number 1093* August 28, 2024 at 2:20 pm Isn’t the money from Jury duty supposed to be a per diem to cover expenses in getting to the courthouse, parking, etc? In a large county or especially in federal court where the jurors may be coming from several counties away, the expenses to get to jury duty are often much higher than normal commuting expenses.
noname today* August 28, 2024 at 2:31 pm In NYC if you’re being paid by the job for your absence, there is no money for Jury Duty.
Ccbac* August 28, 2024 at 2:33 pm depends, but some money from jury duty is meant to cover lost wages (not all employers continue to pay)
Csethiro Ceredin* August 28, 2024 at 3:35 pm In my province of Canada it’s something like $25/day. This would pay for transit downtown and back, but not parking. This bugs me, because you end up with a jury of only the wealthy/retired because nobody else can miss work for days with no pay – but that’s another issue!
Dancing Otter* August 28, 2024 at 8:33 pm I don’t think that excuse would get anyone out of jury duty in Illinois.
Chickena* August 28, 2024 at 10:25 pm I was called in for jury duty in California for a two week case. Everyone had a chance to request to be excused for financial hardship. I don’t know if all of the requests were granted.
Paint N Drip* August 29, 2024 at 1:03 pm I’ve written a couple of ‘financial hardship’ letters to get my boss out of jury duty – since he’s the principal owner and producer of the business, if he isn’t at the office there isn’t money coming in. He has not been to jury duty since I started. (I’d like to note that I think jury duty is a civic duty and an honor. I served my jury duty a few years ago, but I wasn’t chosen womp womp – glad I wasn’t, it was regarding the death of a child and was a looooong case)
Artemesia* August 28, 2024 at 3:40 pm the amount is so low it doesn’t even pay for parking and lunch — I think I just got $25 for a day spent and not even finally getting empaneled. Yes I’m sure your workplace CAN require you to turn that in but holy shomolley — it isn’t as if it won’t cost you that much just on gas, parking and lunch.
Tongue Cluckin' Grammarian* August 29, 2024 at 1:41 pm The two times I’ve been called, we got parking validated if we stayed in a specific parking structure and $6 for the day. Which didn’t even pay for lunch in the courthouse cafe. Luckily for me, my work still paid me for the day.
TotesMaGoats* August 28, 2024 at 3:55 pm How much money are people getting for jury duty? My local county only provides $15 to cover meals and you have to pay for parking. Plus no wifi. I’ve never been asked to pay back my jury duty per diem. I work in higher ed for a state university in MD. I’ve had employees get called for grand jury duty and they got paid leave and didn’t have to pay anything back. That seems banana crackers to me.
Raktajino* August 28, 2024 at 4:21 pm For state level court, Oregon pays $10-25/day (plus public transit and/or per mile, maybe parking at some courthouses. If you say that your employer pays you, the per diem is waived unless you turn in an additional form where your employer says it’s ok to get both. For federal court in Oregon, it’s $50-60/day, and the FAQs don’t say anything about getting two payments. Both sites make a point of saying Oregon doesn’t have any laws requiring employers to pay for jury duty; I wonder if any state does.
Freya* August 29, 2024 at 1:13 am I live in the part of Canberra (Australia) that’s just over the border into NSW so I’ll answer for Canberra (the ACT) and for NSW: Canberra: 4hrs, days 1-4: $127.30 per day Days 5-10: $147.80 per day Days 11+: $172.50 per day If refreshments are not provided, meal allowances: Lunch $20, Dinner $30 Travel allowance: $21.40 per day It is noted that it may take weeks for the payment to actually be made. For private sector employees, the employer is required to make up the difference between the jury payments and your normal basic pay for the first 10 days of jury service. For NSW: 4hrs, days 1-10: $106.30 per day Days 11+, employed: $247.40 per day Days 11+, unemployed: $106.30 per day Travel allowance: 30.7c/km from your postcode to the courthouse (this is important, as it’s technically possible for anyone living ANYWHERE in NSW to get called up to serve on a jury, and although most courthouses in NSW are local courthouses and juries are only called to District, Supreme, and Coroner’s Courts, it’s still possible for me to get called up to places that are 3+ hours drive away)
Great Frogs of Literature* August 29, 2024 at 1:26 pm WOW. The last time I had jury duty (which admittedly was over ten years ago now, so it might’ve changed, but I doubt it), I got about $7 USD for the day, which was not enough to cover my train ticket one way OR the cost of my lunch. (I could have taken the bus instead of the train, allowing me to use the bus pass I used to get to work, but that would’ve added something like an hour commute time in each direction, whereas the train was only a few blocks walk on either end.)
mlem* August 28, 2024 at 4:10 pm Massachusetts requires most in-state employers to pay regular wages/salary for the first three days (and has a one-day-or-one-trial system). If you’re on a trial that keeps you beyond those three days, the state pays $50/day. They explicitly state that companies can claim the state funds from you *if* they choose to pay your normal wages/salary for that beyond-three-days period. As a “per-diem”? Meh. That’s not going to cover much by way of parking and lunching in Boston these days if you’re in that district, but if for some reason you live down the street from your assigned courthouse, you still get the same rate.
MA Dad* August 29, 2024 at 3:06 pm I just had jury duty in Worcester. Didn’t get picked so it was just the one (half) day. I got no money from JD but my day off was paid w/o using PTO. I just wish I didn’t have to pay $20 to park.
NobodyHasTimeForThis* August 28, 2024 at 4:11 pm If I was getting paid by my job for my time, I did not get the jury duty per diem. Which is something like 2 hours of minimum wage for an entire day. I did still get the mileage pay. I had the option to donate it. I did not, I made them send me the check for $4.75
Pair of Does* August 28, 2024 at 5:17 pm Wow, I just looked it up and jury duty pay varies by state everywhere from $5 to $50. That’s a crazy disparity! Even though it is just supposed to cover parking and lunch or whatever.
Media Monkey* August 29, 2024 at 6:45 am i looked up what it is in the UK. the government pay maxes out at just under £65 a day, plus £5.70 for meals and you can claim travel expenses up to the cost of public transport. employers can choose to top that up to the normal rate of pay or not,
irianamistifi* August 29, 2024 at 9:20 am I have just been called for Jury Duty in my US state and the per diem is $5/day for the first 3 days. That’s not going to cover… anything, really. I’ll be pretty upset if my work is so petty they demand 5 bucks back for letting me do my civic duty.
Alton Brown's Evil Twin* August 28, 2024 at 2:20 pm “I am under strict orders from my doctor…” should be used in more situations. “How is your emotional state today?” “I am under strict orders from my doctor not to discuss that.” “You look tired. Is there something wrong?” “I am under strict orders from my doctor.” “You should smile more!” “I am under strict orders from my doctor.”
learnedthehardway* August 28, 2024 at 5:25 pm Having just spent a week with a relative who has celiac disease, I have a better appreciation of just how much care has to be taken to avoid gluten. My relative can’t even use a BBQ that has had buns toasted on it, unless the grills have been very thoroughly scrubbed down. Apparently, gluten doesn’t denature with heat easily. I found something that says the following: You CAN clean a BBQ that’s cooked gluten by scrubbing the grill thoroughly on all sides and then heating to 500ºF for a minimum of 30 minutes. 60 is better. Of course, by then your bbq may have melted the handle (ask me how I know). WRT to the LW – tell people to piss off.
For OP 11* August 28, 2024 at 2:21 pm Make Donald A Duck Again (and dress your baby in all duck themed clothing, it will be so cute!)
Mid40sgal* August 28, 2024 at 2:30 pm Give him the middle name Joseph then it would honor both presidents. Donald Joseph. Then he can go by DJ for short.
Bee* August 28, 2024 at 3:07 pm This would be adorable, and also I would probably always announce the baby’s name as “Donald, after my favorite uncle!” to short-circuit any other associations.
DrSalty* August 28, 2024 at 3:33 pm This. My grandfather’s name was Don. It’s a fine name, don’t let one asshole ruin it.
Rocket Raccoon* August 28, 2024 at 3:50 pm Or just call him Don. My neighbor is Don and until this letter it never occurred to me that his name is actually Donald.
Ann Onymous* August 28, 2024 at 4:12 pm I also have a beloved uncle Donald who is about the same age as Trump. I think it was a fairly popular name at one time. Let’s not let one bad apple ruin a good name for the rest of us.
Chapeau* August 28, 2024 at 4:50 pm I think if you refer to him as Unca Donald, like Huey, Dewey, and Louie do, the point will be made.
Paint N Drip* August 29, 2024 at 1:05 pm oh my GOD a tiny baby being called Uncle Donald is somehow overwhelmingly adorable
Seeking Second Childhood* August 28, 2024 at 10:25 pm I *may* have once said if I had twins I’d like to name them after two dear friends ….whi just happen to be Donald and Marie…. alas my late husband spotted the Donnie and Marie Osmond reference and nixed the idea.
Chas* August 29, 2024 at 10:54 am Donald Duck was the first name that came to my mind when I saw that question, probably because I and most people I know just call Trump by his surname. I don’t think it’s got that same level of “name everyone associates with something bad” as something like Adolph or even Karen (thanks to unfortunate internet memes) does now.
Emily* August 28, 2024 at 2:23 pm OP #6 – it depends on the office! On my team, the convention is that the cake or whatnot is brought in and consumed at the celebration. Then leftovers are eaten over the next few days, at lunch and with our coffees or whenever, with the birthday-haver encouraged to have the most slices. The birthday-haver may also take home a few pieces to share with their family (no one else may do this.) Cakes are usually sized with this plan in mind and we would all be disappointed if half a cake disappeared off to someone’s home!
Phony Genius* August 28, 2024 at 3:09 pm If the cake is baked for your birthday, dibs are assumed to be yours unless you state otherwise. I wouldn’t bother keeping leftovers in the office refrigerator, as I once became very sick after eating a slice of next-day leftover cake.
Retitrree* August 28, 2024 at 4:51 pm I’ve never been in an office where the birthday person took the birthday cake home if someone made it. It’s left in the office fridge for those who might not have been there or didn’t eat the cake that day or whatever.
Cyndi* August 28, 2024 at 5:16 pm Varies with the individual office, I think. I used to work with a woman who made brownies for everyone’s birthday in the department–she had a big hoard of nuts and candy and dried fruit and would ask you before your birthday every year what you wanted in your brownies. Everyone had a chance at them, but the leftovers always went home with the birthday person at the end of the day. It was a great system and I miss it.
Alton Brown's Evil Twin* August 28, 2024 at 2:23 pm New supply chain vendors will be at those business conferences too. Biodegradable teapot shipping containers. Himalayan pink salt glaze for teapots. Robotic teapot QA equipment.
The Prettiest Curse* August 28, 2024 at 2:34 pm Yeah, a lot of people go to conferences just to do B2B promotion and make contacts (and get free pens, I haven’t bought a pen in years!)
Civil Disobedience* August 28, 2024 at 3:13 pm I can’t imagine a non-field-specific conference. Can anyone give some examples of what those look like?
Alton Brown's Evil Twin* August 28, 2024 at 3:27 pm I think OP was coming from the academic perspective, where conferences are mostly about presenting research, and didn’t know what non-academics would do.
Alton Brown's Evil Twin* August 28, 2024 at 3:31 pm ie, the weird word in “field-specific business conferences” is “business”.
fhqwhgads* August 28, 2024 at 11:54 pm Thank you for saying that. The question makes so much more sense.
Civil Disobedience* August 28, 2024 at 3:35 pm Ah, that perspective makes more sense. The conferences in my field tend to have a decent mix of academic and industry, so when I was a grad student, I was going to the field-specific conferences and seeing most of the things that Alison mentioned in her response.
Artemesia* August 28, 2024 at 3:42 pm my daughter is not an academic but has given many presentations related to her profession at conferences. Conferences have full programs on technical matters as well as broader issues.
Dancing Otter* August 28, 2024 at 11:46 pm Conferences can be based on industry (e.g., banking., pharma, oil production and/or refining, publishing) or profession (AICPA for accountants, ACS for chemists, AMA or ABA, etc.). Some of the professional ones can be curiously specific: there are dozens devoted to updated taxes or new GAAP rules, for example. In addition, I’ve seen conferences for users of specific software packages, with sessions on different modules, or the optimizations of various settings, or security administration…
Lucy P* August 28, 2024 at 2:24 pm Jury Duty Pay – That is how we’ve always done it. In our specific county though, I wouldn’t consider it profiting. It should be mileage reimbursement. We are on one side of the river. The court house is on the other side of the river. To get there is at least a 30 minute drive in each direction, and you have to cross through another county to get there.
Beth* August 28, 2024 at 3:05 pm The last time I did jury duty, there was a tiny per diem ($10, IIRC), which hadn’t been changed in decades. There was also a mileage reimbursement that was tied to the annual IRS rate, and had done a fine job of keeping up with inflation. so the mileage reimbursement was WAY more than the per diem. There was also a voluntary program at the courthouse where you could donate your mileage and per diem to support free child care for low-income people obliged to appear in court. Since I was getting full work pay for my jury duty days, I opted to donate, although I didn’t realized when I made that decision just how much money I was giving away! The (county district) courthouse was 60 miles (!) from my home, and I had arranged to stay at a friend’s house nearby to save myself the insane commute.
Manon Blackbeak* August 28, 2024 at 2:26 pm Hey, we had a snake in our supply office yesterday! We called security and they got someone to come relocate it.
blah* August 28, 2024 at 2:26 pm Re: #5 – assuming LW is in the US, depending on the state, they might not be able to relocate the badgers. I think it would depend if they’re classified as a nuisance rodent or something similar. If they aren’t, then yes please find someone that could relocate them!
Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender* August 28, 2024 at 2:27 pm Would the badger thing warrant filing an online complaint with OSHA? Surely it cannot be consistent with occupational safety and health to have wild animals in the supply closet at work! It’s bananas to me that the employer is just washing their hands of this.
Artemesia* August 28, 2024 at 3:44 pm I just had to assume it was a metaphor for something else because how could there possibly be badgers in a supply closet?
I went to school with only 1 Jennifer* August 28, 2024 at 5:06 pm I knew someone who was living in a crappy apartment on the ground floor, and there was a hole in the bottom of the bathroom sink cabinet. And apparently there was a hole in the floor as well. And a nice pregnant possum found the hole and nested in the large box of menstrual pads under the sink and had sweet adorable leetle bebbehs and we all sort of boggled and just NEVER OPENED that cabinet for awhile. So I totally believe in the badgers in the supply cabinet.
Llama mama* August 29, 2024 at 11:25 am Yeah, in the addition to the risk of bites, badgers can carry a number of zoonotic diseases. There’s no way this is safe. Does the company own the building, or are they leasing it? If there is a separate building owner, they may be responsible for ensuring pest control (which likely will involve wildlife control and not an exterminator).
green grass on a hill* August 28, 2024 at 2:28 pm #13 (jury duty pay policy) — I’ve heard of this policy before at some companies. However, with jury duty pay usually being some small nominal amount of money, I’m surprised that actually collecting the pay is worth the effort.
Polaris* August 28, 2024 at 2:37 pm Ours is so low that the company I’m employed by does not collect it. (It literally covered mileage at federal rates, parking for the day – I don’t pay for parking at work, and lunch – and I typically do not eat lunch out but BYO was disallowed in the JD paperwork)
Scarlet ribbons in her hair* August 29, 2024 at 10:01 am When I first served on jury duty in 1976, the pay (in New Jersey) was $5.00 per day. Nowadays, it’s still $5.00 per day. And we have to pay income tax on it. Luckily, my former company allowed me to keep the $5.00 per day (while paying me my salary).
Jo* August 29, 2024 at 10:23 am #13 It’s been that way wherever I worked. At least in our area, the juror has the option to accept the very nominal amount or donate it to a cause. (I believe a victim’s relief fund.) It’s a check-a-box thing on the paperwork. Our employer encouraged us to choose that option. But if we accepted the money, then it was supposed to be turned over to the company since they were paying us for that day.
Middle Aged Lady* August 28, 2024 at 2:29 pm I prefer ‘sorry for the delay’ and not ‘thank you for your patience.’ What if the other person has not been feeling patient about your delay?
Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est* August 28, 2024 at 2:37 pm That’s the strategy. By praising their patience, most people will play along that they were patient.
Spencer Hastings* August 28, 2024 at 2:49 pm To the apologizer/thanker’s face, maybe. But they might be privately resentful that the person was late with something and didn’t sufficiently acknowledge the fact that it may have caused problems for the recipient.
Irish Teacher.* August 28, 2024 at 3:06 pm That strikes me as a reason not to do it, because it seems kinda manipulative and like the person doing it cares more about the other person not getting mad at them than about making it up to the other person for their inconveniencing them. I do think it makes sense in situations like the one Cyndi used it in where you just want to get the job done, but when it’s a situation where you actually put somebody out or made a mistake, the aim should surely be admitting your wrong and trying to make it up to them if you can, not avoiding consequences. Putting people in a situation where they don’t feel they can get mad/be critical seems like a good idea to me when it is the person in the wrong you are doing that to, like a customer who is complaining about having to wait because they came in at a busy time and objects to the fact that those who got there before them were served before them, but it doesn’t strike me as great when it is being used by the person in the wrong.
Dust Bunny* August 28, 2024 at 3:08 pm This, exactly. I wasn’t necessarily patient, I just didn’t have any recourse.
Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est* August 28, 2024 at 3:14 pm “Thank you for your low opportunity cost of time and stubbornness” doesn’t have the same graceful ring to it… It’s polite, plausible verbal grease to get or keep the exchange going.
Spencer Hastings* August 28, 2024 at 4:32 pm I don’t think it’s overly literal to prefer “sorry for the delay” — I often want to send the signal that I care about the effects my actions have on other people, even if I’m not literally sorry for the delay.
Cyndi* August 28, 2024 at 2:56 pm I became a “thank you for your patience” person from doing retail work, as a tactic to head off customers getting angry at me over things I couldn’t control. So the honest answer was, and still would be if I worked retail again: I don’t care whether you were actually feeling patient or not. Saying “thank you for your patience” moves the interaction along to whatever you’re actually here to do, instead of talking about the delay.
1LFTW* August 28, 2024 at 5:50 pm This. Also, the delay was inevitably due to forces beyond my control, so it felt better not to apologize for it.
Zeus* August 28, 2024 at 8:56 pm I got the same habit from working in tech support over the phone, to try and head off customers who were mad because they’d had to wait on hold for ages (as though I had any control over that…)
Dust Bunny* August 28, 2024 at 3:07 pm I very much prefer “sorry for the delay” if the delay was at your end so it feels more like you’re owning it. Otherwise I feel like I’ve had to be patient against my will.
learnedthehardway* August 28, 2024 at 5:26 pm But only be sorry for what is actually your fault – not when it is circumstances beyond your control.
korangeen* August 28, 2024 at 3:39 pm In general I think it’s good to reduce the amount we’re all saying “sorry”, and “thank you for your patience” can be a good replacement for that. But I think it depends how excessive the delay was. I once was going through a medical diagnosis process where the medical professional would say she’d be in touch by a certain date, then several more weeks would pass where she wasn’t responding to messages, then finally she’d respond with “thank you for your patience” and move on as if nothing happened. At that point, I really felt like some sort of brief explanation was warranted and acknowledgement of her not following through with what she said she was going to do. This happened more than once, and I never got any sort of clue as to why she was being so unreliable. So yeah, if it’s a situation where you genuinely messed up or caused a significant inconvenience or the reality turned out to be super different from what you told the person to expect, I think a “sorry” and brief explanation would be a lot better than “thank you”.
Richard Hershberger* August 28, 2024 at 3:42 pm Back in my retail days I used “Thank you for waiting.” I had good results with this. it wasn’t my fault there was a line, and they didn’t really have any choice if they wanted to buy stuff, so from a substantive perspective the thanks you was pointless. but it acknowledged their wait.
Annie2* August 28, 2024 at 4:01 pm I do use “thank you for your patience” but only where the delay was outside of my control (ie. the request came in while I was out of the office or busy dealing with a known badger emergency). Otherwise I think acknowledging some fault for a delay by apologizing can go a long way towards smoothing any annoyance on the recipient’s part.
Myrin* August 28, 2024 at 4:31 pm Yeah, that’s the reason this advice has seemed weird to me from the first time I ever read it. If a delay or a mistake or whatever is actually my fault, it’s right and polite of me to acknowledge that and show that I realised that I fucked up.
Ama* August 28, 2024 at 6:11 pm I use “thank you for your patience” if I have already communicated with the person and told them there was going to be a delay while I got an answer for them. If I didn’t communicate that there would be a delay beforehand I’ll apologize for the delay. (Although I’ve also used both “Thank you for your patience, I am sorry this is taking so long” if it’s been a really unusually long delay — I used to handle queries where I had to get input from very busy senior executives and sometimes it was really difficult to get a firm answer from them in a timely manner.)
Mornington Crescent* August 29, 2024 at 2:58 am I default to “thank you for bearing with me whilst I got back to you, I really appreciate your patience at this busy time” EVERY time I’m even slightly delayed replying to a customer email. It hasn’t let me down yet!
Hlao-roo* August 28, 2024 at 2:29 pm #14 – I have celiac, and occasionally I’ve run across pushy people (thankfully not often!). Some strategies I use are: – Happily announce you have your own lunch/snack/etc. Sometimes people are getting tripped up on their own internal “everyone must eat!!” feelings or there “everything must be positive!!” feelings so a happy announcement that you do have food that you are happy to eat. – Change the subject after your “no, thank you.” If you just let the “no” hang in the air, people will stick with the subject they started with, which is why you should totally eat their [food] that definitely did not come into contact with gluten (well maybe some gluten but just a little I swear). If you follow up your “no, thank you,” with a question about a work project or weekend plans or anything else, most people will follow suit. I wish people weren’t so weird about food :(
Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est* August 28, 2024 at 2:39 pm I’ve also had good results with “Please take my polite no for an answer so we can keep this civil.”
Always Tired* August 28, 2024 at 7:03 pm The threatening aura of the statement combined with my assumption that you sweet “bless your heart” kinda expression is just perfection. Adding this to my repertoire right before right before my current pick of “why are you so emotionally invested in me eating the fish, Janice?”
Kiwi* August 28, 2024 at 2:53 pm These are good tips. I have had extremely severe food allergies my whole life, and it’s so confusing when people get offended just because I’m not up for literally dying to try the food they made.
Ellis Bell* August 28, 2024 at 3:06 pm Yeah the “have your own food” thing works really well. I make a really big deal about how well provisioned I am in advance. Oh please give it to the poor unprepared people, my spread will go to waste/ I have already eaten so much.
Galloping Possum* August 28, 2024 at 3:34 pm I see no reason to keep it polite. If they push beyond your initial “No”, they can be treated to vivid, graphic explanation of what would happen.
Mostly Managing* August 28, 2024 at 4:09 pm I have found that, “No, thank you – I’m allergic to ingredients! You can have my share. Do you have any fun weekend plans?” works very well. The mention of an allergy (which I know technically celiac is NOT, but that’s too complicated for a quick reply) means people usually back off quite quickly. And then, of course, the subject change.
Mostly Managing* August 28, 2024 at 4:47 pm Also, to be clear, I do not specify the ingredients. I’m just “allergic to ingredients”.
1LFTW* August 28, 2024 at 5:51 pm I am also allergic to ingredients. It’s easier than explaining WTF is an “oral allergy cross reaction” to people who honestly just need to know that I can’t eat the thing.
Lexi Vipond* August 28, 2024 at 2:30 pm Donald on its own still suggests either ‘Duck’ or ‘where’s your troosers’ to me, if anything.
EvilQueenRegina* August 28, 2024 at 2:50 pm My uncle would agree with you on that. He’s Christopher Donald, but when he was a baby and Mum was 2, she couldn’t pronounce Christopher and it got to Tiffer. Grandad didn’t want that to stick and started using Donald as that was easier to pronounce. Except when he was 5, the where’s your troosers song came out, and he also used to get Donald Duck Did Some Muck. Eventually he changed schools when they moved and some teacher introduced him as Chris, so he started using that and just had to explain to friends at a family wedding that family would call him Donald.
Too Many Tabs Open* August 28, 2024 at 2:52 pm And now I have “Donald McGillavry” going through my head, which is a good midday earworm.
Elizabeth the Ginger* August 28, 2024 at 2:32 pm 21. Salaried non-exempt – in some states (or at least California) employees are also owed overtime if they work more than 8 hours in a day, or more than 6 days in a row, even if they do not work over 40 hours that week.
bamcheeks* August 28, 2024 at 2:34 pm Donald or Dónal was VERY HIGH on our baby name list in 2016. However we had a girl*. *as far as we know, if she informs us otherwise she’ll be responsible for her own name and namesakes.
ScruffyInternHerder* August 28, 2024 at 2:35 pm Acronym – TSIB w/ apologies to Gwen Stefani? (We certainly dove into the bananapants and banana ensemble terminology….)
GenX, PhD, Enters the Chat* August 28, 2024 at 2:40 pm ok that took me a minute but then I started singing the song in my head… I like it!
Elizabeth the Ginger* August 28, 2024 at 2:36 pm 22. Upset when work drinks cancelled – I recommend you make yourself some low-key back-up plans in case the drinks are cancelled, telling yourself “if Happy Hour falls through I’m going to go have a chai at the coffee shop and read my book” or “I’m going to take a walk in the park that’s on my way home if there’s no Happy Hour today.” Even though it’s not the same, it’ll give you an alternative to look forward to.
Lexi Vipond* August 28, 2024 at 2:43 pm I wondered about making it known that you’re always up for going if someone else is keen and looking for company – these kinds of things can fizzle out in a huge round of ‘A’s not going, B might, C will only go if D does…’, but if two or three people just GO then sometimes it encourages others!
Ellis Bell* August 28, 2024 at 3:10 pm This is the way. I would even suggest OP organise it themselves, so that way it doesn’t get cancelled and they can plan something they would do by themselves anyway; “I’m going to X after work, please feel free to join!” That way you prevent the domino effect.
Two Dog Night* August 28, 2024 at 3:07 pm And maybe schedule them less often? It’s easier to cancel something that happens once a week than something that happens once a month.
Cyndi* August 28, 2024 at 3:20 pm Speaking as someone with flaky tendencies (I’m not proud of it, I’m working on it, etc.) if the aim is “some people show up some of the time” I think scheduling more often is actually preferable! If it’s once a month it’s very easy to have a legitimate conflict and not see people for 2-3 months as a result, but if it’s once a week you have more lower-stakes chances to catch up with your friends and it isn’t such a big deal to have a conflicting dentist appointment, or genuinely just not be feeling it, or whatever.
Falling Diphthong* August 28, 2024 at 2:36 pm I won’t stick with a book if I’m not liking it. An NPR interview on this concept literally changed my reading habits. I used to feel that reading the first pages entered me into an unbreakable contract with the book to see it through. Now I’m like “Not grabbing me? I am allowed to drop this book–or skip to the last chapter to satisfy my very mild curiosity–and move on to something else.” It’s good because it opens me up to trying more things, which is a great way to stumble into new things I like.
Elizabeth the Ginger* August 28, 2024 at 2:39 pm This is why I love the library (both the public one and Little Free Libraries). I haven’t invested $20 in a book before I open it – I’ve only invested the effort of carrying it home.
Raktajino* August 28, 2024 at 4:26 pm Since finding out that library ebook licenses only cover a smallish number of downloads, I’ve started downloading previews to my ereader instead of automatically borrowing the book. If it hooks me by the end of the preview, I’ll borrow it or put it on hold. Bonus, fewer “wtf is this” surprises from hold sprees that I am no longer in the mood for, and more inspiration from the previewed-but-not-borrowed folder.
Distracted Procrastinator* August 29, 2024 at 3:27 pm This is an excellent tip. It’s especially nice because my library limits me to four holds, so it can be frustrating if I have waited eight weeks for a book, with it taking up a hold slot, and I don’t like it after two chapters.
dontbeadork* August 28, 2024 at 3:25 pm I will admit to reading the first bit of a book and the end to decide if I want to commit to the entire thing.
Beth* August 28, 2024 at 4:01 pm I have embraced the power of DNF (Did Not Finish), and I’m reading WAY more new books this decade than I did for along time. Man, there are some stinkers out there. And some hidden jewels that are worth the effort of digging.
Roland* August 28, 2024 at 5:09 pm I’m a big believer in DNFing after a teenage-hood spent believing I HAD TO FINISH every book. I was talking about this to a coworker once, and a week later he told me I’d inspired him to DNF a book he was reading that he wasn’t enjoying. Proud moment haha.
JustaTech* August 28, 2024 at 6:29 pm I once had a coworker who decided that he *had* to read the entire Twilight series. I have no idea why he decided this, he was not the target demographic in any way shape or form. But he did, and whined about it at lunch for like a month, about how terrible they were. We were all like “dude, if you hate them, stop reading! You’re not in school! You can stop reading a book if you don’t like it!”
Distracted Procrastinator* August 29, 2024 at 3:30 pm I have hate read a few books in my day. I know it’s bad, but I need to see in exactly what way it is bad and how bad it actually got. There’s a golden level of bad a book has to be for this to be fun, though. Mediocre isn’t going to give me a good rant. Absolutely horrible isn’t worth the work. Popular, but worth ranting about is a very specific sweet spot.
Reb* August 28, 2024 at 6:05 pm I feel less guilty about the library book I couldn’t get through now.
Brain the Brian* August 28, 2024 at 8:50 pm I cannot shake this guilt. I was stuck for five years in the middle of a supposedly great novel before getting Covid finally made me bored enough to finish it a couple of years ago. I promptly got stuck midway through another book, and there I remain. Sigh.
Humble Schoolmarm* August 30, 2024 at 11:34 am Ugh the books that are acclaimed and you really don’t enjoy it. I read one last summer that had a historical setting and topic that I was really in to, excellent Good Reads review etc. but the solitary flaw of the protagonist was she was too darn humble to recognize that she was practically perfect in every way. I felt so weird ditching a book because the heroine was just too nice.
Media Monkey* August 29, 2024 at 7:42 am wish i’d done that with the 50 Shades of Grey series. it was at the time when everyone was talking about them and my colleague insisted i borrowed hers. i was irritated after about 10 pages but carried on reading as i thought it couldn’t possibly be that bad (reader: it was). gave her the rest of the books back and never read the others.
Bast* August 29, 2024 at 8:18 am As someone who formerly hated/felt guilty about not finishing a book, I now typically give a book about 50 pages before deciding if I want to continue. The first page or chapter may not grab me immediately, but if I get to page 50 ish I figure I’ve given it a good go and if the thought of picking it up makes me feel like I’m slogging through mud, I just don’t. The one exception is the book club book — I will try to slog through that even if I have to tell myself, “Okay, I’m going to read 15 pages a day and that’s it” or something similar, because I genuinely do enjoy going to the club, and want to be able to hold my own in a discussion — even if it’s a discussion as to why I disliked the book.
Lady Blerd* August 28, 2024 at 2:37 pm Allison’t answer for 15, letter acronym, was my very first thought LOL
Irish Teacher.* August 28, 2024 at 2:38 pm LW22, it’s not that it would make you seem like a friendless werido so much as…I don’t think there is any benefit to mentioning it and it could make people feel guilty/criticised. If people aren’t going for drinks that day, they aren’t going for drinks. And it’s not really fair to make them feel like they let you down. Also, you never really know what is going on in another person’s life and “I’m not really feeling it,” could, in some cases, by code for “I have a medical appointment/family issue to deal with that evening and don’t want to say that” or “I can’t drink because I’m pregnant and don’t want to be tempted and don’t want to let anybody know I’m pregnant yet” or “I’m having a really tough time at the moment and don’t feel up to going out”. In any of those situations, hearing “I find it really disappointing when our drinks get cancelled” could be quite annoying and hurtful. Don’t get me wrong, I think your feelings here are perfectly understandable and valid, but…I don’t think there is any benefit to saying it. Presumably, you wouldn’t want people feeling they have to go when they don’t want to just for your sake. So saying it wouldn’t change anything and would only make people feel awkward/wonder if you were criticising them.
Antilles* August 28, 2024 at 2:51 pm If #22 really wants to make sure these drinks happen, the easiest way is to take more charge of it yourself and volunteer to organize. That means that the event won’t be canceled just because the organizer has something come up, that you can reassure others of “we’ll miss Jane and Steve tonight, but we’re still on”, and even that maybe you can figure out if there are ways to adjust the schedule or event to make it more interesting.
Sloanicota* August 28, 2024 at 6:47 pm The move here IMO is to find one other person at work you’d be happy to go for drinks with even if it’s just you two, and who is social enough that they will actually go most of the time – the two of you can be the core “drinks are happening” people, and some who are on the fence may join if they realize they’re definitely happening, versus the whole wishy-washy group thing. Worst case scenario, you’re just getting drinks with that one person you like.
Figaro* August 29, 2024 at 4:45 am This is a great idea. Also, you could consider whether people prefer other things besides drinks. Nothing that requires major planning or commitment but maybe lunch together in a nearby park or a jog or a film or something might suit people better. You could ask!
Wendy Darling* August 28, 2024 at 2:41 pm I’m in a huge stress-related reading slump and 90% of everything I read is moved to the “try again later” pile in under 50 pages (and a few things in the “try again never wtf” pile). I’ve resorted to rereading old favorites I know will hit the spot for the moment because my hit rate on new material is just SO low.
Book Addict* August 28, 2024 at 3:09 pm Rereading an old favourite is like a cozy sweater on a cold day. Lean into it! There is absolutely nothing wrong with a reread!
RetiredAcademicLibrarian* August 28, 2024 at 4:11 pm I can tell I need to look into my depression level when I go a month only rereading old favorites. Do I need more exercise? More sunlight? Talk to someone?
JustaTech* August 28, 2024 at 6:32 pm When I looked back at my reading list for 2020 I could tell I’d had a harder time than I thought because I re-read two different trilogies *twice* each. And another book I read three times. Sometimes the world is just too much for me to have the mental space for a new and unpredictable book.
femininonymous* August 28, 2024 at 2:44 pm Is Donald the equivalent of Adolf in terms of useability? No, at least not yet. Does it imply some kind of maga affiliation/support? I think yes. It’s not really in the same league as other “old” names coming back into fashion because it was still popular much more recently than those (top 100 as recently as 1990). At least in the US, I would definitely raise an eyebrow.
Salsa Your Face* August 28, 2024 at 2:51 pm I agree with this. I don’t think Donald is usable in the year 2024. Maybe it will be again in the future, should sanity prevail, but right now I would have big questions about anyone who chose the name.
Antilles* August 28, 2024 at 3:00 pm Would you still raise an eyebrow if the kid went by a nickname? Because this feels like an easy out here – name the kid Donald if you want, but you actually go by Don or Donnie or DJ or something.
Hlao-roo* August 28, 2024 at 3:11 pm I know I wouldn’t. I’ve known a few people named Donald who have gone by Don or Donnie, and to me Don/Donnie are sufficiently different enough that I don’t think “Donald Trump” when I hear them.
Caramel & Cheddar* August 28, 2024 at 3:22 pm I think Don and Donnie don’t really “hide” the real name because it’s pretty clear what it’s short for (vs a nickname like Ed/Eddie, which could be Edward, Edmund, Edgar…).
Caramel & Cheddar* August 29, 2024 at 9:36 am Right, but when you have a nickname as a full name, most people assume your real name is actually the longer form, e.g. I’ve known a Jenny, Mike, and Sandy who were given those shorter names explicitly by their parents, and everyone they met always assumed they were Jennifer, Michael, and Sandra. So even if you name your kid Don or Donnie, the vast majority of folks are going to assume your kid is Donald even though they aren’t.
Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.* August 28, 2024 at 3:12 pm Well, also, there are plenty of people who were born before Trump’s presidency and you can’t assume their politics. Adolf, on the other hand, is pretty much a no go since there can’t be TOO many Adolfs alive anymore who were born before Hilter and anyone who is considering the name knows the connotations. If I were having a child now, I’d make the middle name Donald in honor of the uncle and give the kid a first name with less baggage.
Seashell* August 28, 2024 at 11:09 pm I agree that the middle is the best spot to honor Uncle Donald, unless one wants to hear “Like Trump?” or “Yikes!” every time someone asks the baby’s name.
Caramel & Cheddar* August 28, 2024 at 3:19 pm I would definitely raise an eyebrow as well. I appreciate that there’s a family connection there, but sometimes that family connection has to give way to other practicalities. You can’t protect your kid from every possible problem they’ll have with their name (kids are creative with their nicknames / teasing), but you can certainly head off the more obvious ones. It could possibly work as a middle name so that the LW is still honouring their uncle without it being the main name, but I’m not sold on that.
Formerly in HR* August 28, 2024 at 3:56 pm Maybe we can all embrace Donald Tusk’s message (and attitude) at the passing of Donald Sutherland: https://www.facebook.com/story.php/?story_fbid=792723532839142&id=100063045079624. There are some other Donalds out there and some of them are/were the best – for people like the LW, or for larger groups.
Pizza Face* August 29, 2024 at 11:10 pm I agree. After being bullied for many months in a job where i figured out patient deaths were related to technical staff being mad at doctors I resigned with my contract required 3 months notice. About a week into the notice period a rabid anti-gun colleague figures out I compete at the national level in shooting sports and tells management she feels unsafe. So mr. new hosptial administrator whom I’ve never met tells me he is accepting notice early but not realizing my contract compelled them to pay out the entire notice period. Loved my summer off!!!!
Come on, man* August 28, 2024 at 4:50 pm You guys need to touch grass and get some perspective. Honestly. Are you upset at children called Kim? Joseph (Stalin)? People that have ACTUALLY COMMITTED ATROCITIES?! Calm your farms, people. Good gosh.
Hroethvitnir* August 28, 2024 at 6:10 pm People being more sensitive to the current day, regionally relevant person who wants to commit atrocities and already has on a smaller scale is not actually that shocking. I don’t think Donald is tainted either, to be clear.
Seashell* August 28, 2024 at 11:07 pm I personally know many Josephs and know of many famous ones. Do you not know any yourself? I know exactly zero people who would hear the name Joseph and jump to thinking of Stalin. Joseph Biden gets more press lately. Offhand, I don’t know any men named Kim (which is really the family name of the North Korean leader), but I know various women named Kim, so that would be my first thought before the dictator. I wouldn’t be upset at a child because of what their parents named them, but I would think poorly of the parents if they went out of their way to choose a poor namesake. See, e.g., this guy – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heath_Hitler
Irish Teacher.* August 29, 2024 at 11:32 am Admittedly, I am looking from abroad so may not be the best judge, but my impression is that Donald Trump’s supporters seem to…well, some of them seem more like fans than political supporters, so it is easy to imagine them naming their child after him, whereas I would think it less likely that Americans today are naming their child after Joseph Stalin. In Ireland, a connection wouldn’t occur to me but if somebody from the US whose political affiliations I didn’t know mentioned naming their child Donald…well, it still PROBABLY wouldn’t occur to me but I MIGHT wonder if they were a Donald Trump fan (and I know that looking from abroad, I am going to hear of the most enthusiastic but given that people wear MAGA hats and have yard signs, I don’t think naming a child after him is too unimaginable).
Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow* August 28, 2024 at 6:36 pm Absurd to avoid the name Donald – just don’t add Trump as middle name! Of course never use Adolf, but the Orange Menace is nowhere his level of evil. In a few years, Trump will be retired or dead and by the lad’s teens mostly forgotten by those who don’t breathe politics.
Tesuji* August 28, 2024 at 6:54 pm If I knew someone had named their child Donald in 2024, I wouldn’t assume that they personally wore a red hat, but I would at least assume that wearing a red hat wasn’t a dealbreaker for them. Naming your kid Donald doesn’t *necessarily* mean you share those values, but I’d read it as saying that those values aren’t repugnant to you. Before doing this, it might be worth considering whether you really want to deal with extricating yourself from certain conversations with *other* parents who named their kid (or kids) Donald and what assumptions they might make about you being a kindred spirit. Also, if you go down this path, definitely don’t name your second child Brandon.
Bast* August 29, 2024 at 11:06 am I’m not sure I would jump to that conclusion, and I’m in the US. When I hear older names that are not trending, I am likely to assume they were named after a family member. I would not hear Joseph and think “named after Joe Biden”, anymore than I would hear George and assume they were named after George Bush. George is a better comparison, as anyone born during the Bush administration would be in their early 20s or late teens now, and I doubt the connotation has stuck. In 10 or 15 years, no one is going to hear the name Donald and automatically jump to being named after Trump (especially if outside of the US). I will think it may get raised eyebrows because some names scream a certain generation, and Donald to me is not exactly timeless — same as a name like Edna, I’d hear it and expect the person to be 75+.
Humble Schoolmarm* August 30, 2024 at 11:51 am Honestly, I’d be more…not worried, aware, I guess, of the risk of teasing, particularly in the elementary years when pointing out names that are the same as famous people or characters is a thing. My parents both share names with completely inoffensive 19th century children’s lit characters, both got teased and both hated it (my mom’s rants about the character and their creator were particularly memorable).
Snow Angels in the Zen Garden* August 29, 2024 at 1:31 pm I was surprised by this question because it wouldn’t have occurred to me that Donald would be a problematic name, just unusual. (I’ve only ever known a couple of older Donalds as well) I appreciate the asker making us aware.
Reebee* August 28, 2024 at 2:44 pm #4 Anything not yours isn’t fair game for anything. Just be decent and professional: quietly return the things that belong to others, and don’t say anything about them to anyone else. Isn’t that how we’d all want to be treated?
Slow Gin Lizz* August 28, 2024 at 3:47 pm I hate that scenario in #33…I had an old boss who used to do it and it drove me crazy. And unfortunately when it’s your boss, you can’t just leave the call. But I did get good traction when I’d say, hmmm, I don’t know (if she was asking me a question) but I have a feeling I can do some research on that and get back to you. That worked a lot better for me than trying to wing it when answering a question, and I have a feeling OP33 can do that with their colleague too.
Zweisatz* August 29, 2024 at 9:08 am I’ve had success with my colleague by becoming very unresponsive when they start troubleshooting (no suggestions, no ‘uhu’ noises) and when the silence has stretched sufficiently excusing myself. Might take two or three tries, but it has certainly saved me time.
Carmina* August 29, 2024 at 4:29 am I usually just check emails when that happens, listening just enough to pick it back up if they say something to me. If I’m working from home I’ll do the dishes or something (requires a portable setup of course, and no camera on).
Roy G. Biv* August 29, 2024 at 9:13 am Watch me sort of think out loud with you as an audience, but I will be shocked/offended/angered if you decide you do not want to be my audience. I used to work with a whole bunch of people like this. I do not miss that job.
Distracted Procrastinator* August 29, 2024 at 3:37 pm I had a colleague who would do this to me. he just needed to talk things through. It was his project that my time was getting charged against, so I just nodded my head and listened to him talk. It was annoying and I did ignore his Teams call more than once because, even though I had time for a 5 minute call, I didn’t have time for a 20 minute one.
Alton Brown's Evil Twin* August 28, 2024 at 2:47 pm #32 — ooh, yeah sometimes “please advise” comes off as a passive-aggressive way of somebody outsourcing their thinking to you. As opposed to “do you have any advice?” “what’s your opinion?”, “what would you do in my shoes?”. However, sometimes “please advise” is just shorthand for something that would be rude if spelled out. Like how “per my last email” means “pay attention, you idiot”, “please advise” means “You stuck me in a bad situation and I don’t know what you want me to do.”
Chunce* August 28, 2024 at 3:00 pm Whenever I use “please advise,” it’s generally following something along the lines of… This is the situation I just explained condensed into one sentence because you didn’t read it the first time. Please advise. I also don’t think “this irritates me over email” holds a lot of water as a legitimate complaint, because it’s typically paired with policing women for being concise in the workplace.
Dr. Doll* August 28, 2024 at 3:01 pm Yes, “please advise” carries an undertone of “If you or your area had given me enough information, correct information, or been better overall in the first place, I would not need to ask this question.”
Elitist Semicolon* August 28, 2024 at 3:35 pm I had a colleague who used “please advise” for questions that were a point of fact, not a point of advice, and it drove me batshit for reasons that weren’t entirely rational. As in, “what time is the meeting? Please advise” or “I forgot the new receptionist’s name. Please advise.”
Richard Hershberger* August 28, 2024 at 3:48 pm Those are perfectly cromulent questions. “Advise” can mean to give advice, but it can also mean to give information.
Beka Cooper* August 28, 2024 at 3:59 pm “Please advise” is not quite as annoying to me as, “Thoughts?” In a previous position, there were a couple of people who would forward me long email chains, and then just add, “Thoughts?” and I would get so annoyed. I would often end up spending lots of time puzzling over the entire email chain trying to figure out exactly which part they were asking for my thoughts on. This also happened in our CRM software, where I’d get tagged with “Thoughts?” and then have to go digging all over the place to figure out what the request even was.
1LFTW* August 28, 2024 at 6:06 pm Ugh, I hate “Thoughts?”. It comes off like the writer is too busy and important to elucidate what they actually want, but they expect me to have unlimited time to play guessing games.
Sorrischian* August 29, 2024 at 12:43 am Oh. Oh no, that sounds like a nightmare. I only use “thoughts?” when I’ve done all the legwork and just need someone to make a final decision, like “I’ve narrowed down our options to X or Y but don’t have a strong preference between them. Here’s my pros and cons list. Thoughts?”
allathian* August 29, 2024 at 7:56 am If I got an email like that, I’d have a lot of thoughts all right, none of them printable. WTF would be among the mildest.
Tantallum99* August 28, 2024 at 2:47 pm Re “Please Advise”. I thought that was universal business speak for WTF (when you obviously can’t just type WTF in a work email).
Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est* August 28, 2024 at 3:02 pm I’ve always taken it as filler from someone on autopilot.
Em* August 28, 2024 at 3:33 pm I used to work as an emergency dispatcher. As a result I have peculiar vocabulary choices when I notice that the comprehension in a conversation is breaking down. Negative/affirmative instead of no/yes and the phrase ‘please advise’ are the biggest – too many years of training for radio communication where comprehension is a life or death issue. I work with a ton of former military and law enforcement folks and they usually receive it as intended, but I do try to reign it in.
Charley* August 28, 2024 at 4:01 pm If I ever write ‘Please advise,’ I am 100% being passive aggressive and it’s annoying because I mean it to be, haha.
Happy Camper* August 28, 2024 at 4:21 pm This has me rethinking how I use it, which to me means “This matter is urgent and I need your help”.
Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est* August 28, 2024 at 4:28 pm No euphemism is going to convey the reality of the situation better than that sentence does.
Nightengale* August 28, 2024 at 10:11 pm I definitely use it completely earnestly to mean “I’m in a situation that I’m not sure what to do about but I think and hope you might!” Often it’s an IT issue we need to come up with a work around, or I’m getting conflicting info from 2 different sources about something important
NCA* August 28, 2024 at 4:53 pm In my last office, ‘please advise’ was code for ‘there is something you need to answer in this email, this is NOT just a FYI email. Took a bit to stop reading it as business speak for WTF
learnedthehardway* August 28, 2024 at 5:31 pm I use “please advise” when I genuinely need direction on something. Eg. “The candidate is only willing to work hybrid. Is that a possibility? Please advise.”
Justanobody* August 29, 2024 at 1:27 pm I use Please Advise pretty regularly in the context of “here is some information and I need you to provide direction”. Instead of “how do you want me to proceed?”
E* August 28, 2024 at 2:51 pm How do you deal with someone who is, for lack of a better phrase, a Negative Nancy. A constant, consistent complainer who will never let up. It’s like working with Eeyore, if Eeyore also used business jargon.
JustaTech* August 28, 2024 at 6:36 pm Be relentlessly positive. (This is mostly a joke, but you can use it to try to fend off the negativity short-term.) Call them out about it, kindly. Some people don’t realize how negative they sound and will make an effort to turn it around (I’ve had two coworkers like that).
Figaro* August 29, 2024 at 4:51 am If you work regularly/closely with them, you could ask “Hey, are you OK? I ask because you may not realise it but you complain a lot.” It might just shift them into a bit more awareness that it is constant and impacts others.
Ana Gram* August 28, 2024 at 2:53 pm #21 isn’t always correct. I’m non-exempt but I work in public safety and we’re an exception in my state. My overtime starts at 84 hours/pay period and the firefighters in my area don’t start accruing overtime until 96 hours/pay period due to our weird shifts. Overtime at 40 hours/week is usually accurate but definitely not always!
Lab Snep* August 28, 2024 at 2:55 pm Hooboy I worked with a Meghan who refused to acknowledge me, say hi, be at all cordial for the same reason. Management said the same thing you did, that we don’t have to be friends but she couldn’t also ignore me. The bullying in the form of ostracism just ramped up and I ended up looking for a new job.
Figaro* August 29, 2024 at 5:05 am What’s especially weird here is that Meghan doesn’t even seem to be bullying someone as such, it’s like she’s just genuinely baffled by standard human interaction and is like this with everyone.
Scoody Boo* August 28, 2024 at 2:56 pm Re: #11: I have one friend named Donald (whose name obviously predates 2016) and has no issues. I know another guy with a basic D name, last name Trump – think Danny Trump. He decided to change his last name around 2017.
Yes.* August 28, 2024 at 4:26 pm I think it’s different when it’s someone who has had the name “Donald” for years. But naming a new baby Donald right now (or in the near future) could suggest the baby is named after Thump.
Not just the duck* August 28, 2024 at 2:56 pm I kind of disagree on #11. It’s true that it’s not as bad as Adolf, but there’s only one Donald I think of when I hear the name. And it was my grandfather’s name, too.
Beth* August 28, 2024 at 3:08 pm It would be nice if, by the time the kid is old enough to care about his name, the problem would be fading into history . . . but I’d cover my bases and make it a middle name (or not use it at all).
UKDancer* August 28, 2024 at 3:16 pm It’s my great uncle’s name and I always think of him first. I think it probably depends where you are. I think if you’re in the UK it’s probably less problematic than in the US. I did know an Adolf when I was a child who lived near my German godparents, he was an old German chap who went by Adi and was probably born in the 1920s. We didn’t know his full name until he died and saw it on the funeral brochure. I think it’s very rare now on anyone under about 80 in Germany.
Dust Bunny* August 28, 2024 at 3:20 pm My sixth-grade school principal was Adolph, but he was born in the late 1930s before the sh*t really hit the fan in terms of awareness in the US. And, frankly, he was not someone whom you would have challenged to use a nickname.
allathian* August 29, 2024 at 7:50 am Well, I’d expect him to have been Mr. Lastname to the students. How did the teachers address him?
Emmy Noether* August 29, 2024 at 3:31 am Lots of Germans named Adolf that are now in their 80s/90s. Most go by Adi (like Adi Dassler, founder of Adidas!). Almost nonexistent now, and can actually be refused when registering a new birth. It’s also one of the very very few, very restricted reasons one can get an official name change in Germany.
Noquestionsplease* August 28, 2024 at 7:34 pm I’m in a heavily Irish-heritage area, and I’d go with Donal no D at the end. No one would even consider the whackadoodle connotation.
Alton Brown's Evil Twin* August 28, 2024 at 3:01 pm #46 – this could even have been a chain of misunderstandings that ended up being really really distorted by the time it got to campus security. You’re right to feel pretty miffed about this, but I don’t think trying to track this person down is going to help. If somebody really is that paranoid about the situation, it’s only going to make things worse.
Phony Genius* August 28, 2024 at 3:27 pm Could be, but I know several people who have very strong opinions about firearms and want them all banned, even for controlled competitions such as the Olympics. This coworker could be one of them. (Actual quote from one of them: “The only people who own guns are people who enjoy killing other people.” They also included police and military in that when I asked.)
Coyote River* August 28, 2024 at 8:38 pm Yes, I’ve spent so long around firearms and am so used to seeing people carry in the workplace that I genuinely forget sometimes how strongly some people feel about guns. It is entirely possible that the LW’s coworker is one such person.
Irish Teacher.* August 29, 2024 at 11:43 am Yikes. I live in a country where gun ownership is very restricted and even most police don’t carry guns and I like it that way. But I wouldn’t bat an eyelid at somebody who did shooting as a sport, especially somebody who tried for the Olympics as that definitely shows it is a sporting thing for them.
HonorBox* August 28, 2024 at 4:03 pm It seems extreme to assume that security would need to be notified and conduct a search. But rather than saying anything further and potentially escalating, just chalk it up to knowing something about that person that you maybe didn’t know before and tread lightly around them.
deesse877* August 28, 2024 at 4:34 pm I was not surprised by 46. Academics are not only paranoid, but also vengeful, rules-oriented, lacking in common sense, and deeply enamored of bureaucracy. “Sending campus security to look for guns in my nemesis’s office” would have been irresistible. I disagree, however, that the letter writer should let it go. Someone made a paper trail, and they could extend said paper trail.
JustaTech* August 28, 2024 at 6:38 pm To quote Long John Silver in Muppet Treasure Island: “well now there’s an informed opinion.”
Lexi Vipond* August 28, 2024 at 3:01 pm Am I missing something with the cat who is too much dog time?
blah* August 28, 2024 at 3:01 pm #39: I feel like I’m seeing more and more posts on TikTok where people act like Meghan, and they’re encouraged by other people who do the same. “I’m being paid to do my job, not be friendly.” Okay, but don’t be shocked when you get passed over for a promotion! #43: Check your work handbook or anything similar you might have – ours spells out that if there’s an Internet outage while working at home, we either need to use a mobile hotspot or come into the office. If we don’t, we need to take the day off as the Internet going out isn’t an excuse to not do work and still be paid. Alas, we’re required to work in office the entire week (with manager-approved WFH days every now and then), so this isn’t really a problem for me.
Elizabeth the Ginger* August 28, 2024 at 4:59 pm “Showing the bare minimum of basic human courtesy to people around you” is actually an unwritten part of most jobs. I expect the Meghans of the world also get poorer customer service when they go out to restaurants, etc. and have no idea that this is of their own making.
Csethiro Ceredin* August 28, 2024 at 6:09 pm Yes, I wondered whether she has the same bizarre reaction to a server or cashier saying “have a great night” or whatever. It must make for a constantly annoyed mood, if so.
fhqwhgads* August 29, 2024 at 12:19 am And even if she didn’t think “civil” were part of the job, it’s extremely bizarre that she thinks “hi” and “good morning” constitute getting up into her business. Like…not wanting colleagues prying: fair. Interpreting a generic greeting as prying: insert you keep using that word meme here.
Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow* August 28, 2024 at 6:44 pm It’s a very silly and unwise trend to avoid or even object to even basic human interaction at work. Not just missing promotions, maybe even retaining her current job, since a very basic level of getting along with colleagues is an unwritten part of nearly all job descritions. At least in any RIF, Megan would likely be early in the list to be let go
MassMatt* August 28, 2024 at 11:33 pm It’s not just that she ignores pleasantries, she actively takes offense at them. This is very strange behavior and I can’t imagine her combative hostility doesn’t manifest in many other ways. LW says they are a new manager but “wanting to respect her boundaries”… No. If her work were otherwise excellent (not adequate, or even good) and/or she was young and new to the work force I might give her some coaching but it would have to be very clear that she must shape up quickly. If not, I would just fire her. Maybe she’d be better suited to some stereotypical job filled with rude people—the DMV? Prison guard?
Peter the Bubblehead* August 29, 2024 at 11:42 am One of my biggest pet peeves at work (or in public) is passing someone walking the opposite direction (particularly a co-worker), nodding a friendly “Good morning” or “Hello,” and that person going out of their way to ignore my very existence. I mean, the least you can do is simply acknowledge me!
londonedit* August 29, 2024 at 4:56 am You see comments here from people like Meghan, too, whenever the subject of socialising with colleagues or workplace chat comes up. There are a few people out there who really do subscribe to the ‘I’m here to do my job, not to spend time chatting, I don’t need to be friends with the people I work with’ idea. Personally I find it surprising because – while you don’t need to be friends with colleagues – you do need to show some basic level of politeness and human interaction in most jobs. I really don’t feel that saying ‘good morning’ and ‘hello’ and engaging in basic chat is a massive ask. It’s part of being human in the world.
Figaro* August 29, 2024 at 5:12 am Re Meghan, yes it could be a misinterpretation of that approach. I don’t think this is about the trade off some people make whereby extra hours, friendliness, networking, the “right attitude” etc leads to faster progression, and the reverse can be true too. This isn’t “I don’t smile for my boss all the time, I produce the reports.” This is actively being annoyed when a fellow coworker says “how was your weekend.” That’s nothing to do with the ethos of those TikToks and nothing to do with not being promoted. It’s about making the working environment unbearably hostile for your fellow workers.
Anon for reasons* August 28, 2024 at 3:02 pm Re: Donald I am a fifth-generation Donald, but to my knowledge I’m the first who actually answers to it. My father goes by his middle name, and his father had Donald as a middle name but went by his first name. When The Apprentice was actually doing good ratings, I got the nickname of “The Don” in high school. It didn’t help that my initials are DJT, but thankfully it didn’t stick. Now, I simply use Trump’s name when people on the phone ask how to spell my name.
Csethiro Ceredin* August 28, 2024 at 6:10 pm People ask how to spell Donald? I didn’t know there were other spellings! But then my last name is a common word and people spell it wrongly sometimes, so..?
Zeus* August 28, 2024 at 9:04 pm It’s a trick some people use when they’re not sure if they’ve heard someone’s name correctly, or can’t remember it – it could be a case of “wait did he say Daniel or Donald? Better check!” I recall in one of James Herriot’s memoirs, he couldn’t remember a farmer’s surname so asked how to spell it – cue an unimpressed farmer slowly spelling out S-M-I-T-H.
Bast* August 29, 2024 at 10:42 am You can never be too careful though. I’s also seen Smithe and Smyth and sometimes it’s actually Schmidt, which sometimes is misheard as Smith. I can’t imagine having such a common name and then constantly having to say “Yes, there’s actually an ‘e’ at the end” every time.
Bast* August 29, 2024 at 10:43 am **I’ve And that’s not even touching on first names where you have Ashley/Ashlie/Ashleigh/Ashlee, etc.
Anon for this, obviously* August 29, 2024 at 11:39 am My last name is Trump, and I always spell it out when giving my name because people so commonly think they’ve misheard. Bonus: it gives everyone a second to recover from the shock.
Wilbur* August 28, 2024 at 3:04 pm Do you wish me a good weekend, or mean that it is a good weekend whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this weekend; or that it is a weekend to be good on? Now you mean that you want to get rid of me, and that it won’t be good till I move off.”
Beth* August 28, 2024 at 3:12 pm Don’t forget to scratch a mysterious sign on the office door as you leave.
Noquestionsplease* August 28, 2024 at 7:38 pm To think I would live to be Good Morning-ed by Belladonna Took’s son, as if I were selling buttons at the door!
Dust Bunny* August 28, 2024 at 3:05 pm Lunchless son-in-law: Have you pointed out to him that he is prioritizing his job over his actual family by bringing his tired, hungry self home to them instead of taking at least a little time to eat something? This seems like a mild form of treating those nearest to you worse because you know they’ll tolerate it.
constant_craving* August 28, 2024 at 4:29 pm I think that’s more effective coming from his wife though. LW has taken this as far as she can.
KGD* August 28, 2024 at 6:14 pm My husband works from home and does this. He has anxiety and finds it really hard to put something down when he’s focused on it. Work makes him feel anxious, so he often skips lunch. Then at 3 o’clock he’ll have a break between meetings and suddenly be starving, eat something huge, and not want dinner. When he talks about his day, he’ll frame it as being way too busy to have lunch. I don’t think this is actually the case, but I also don’t think he is lying – that’s just how it feels to him. I don’t love it and I’ve spoken to him about it a bunch of times, but at a certain point I decided to just let it go and let him be the boss of his own eating habits. In this situation, OP is not his partner, so they should DEFINITELY let it go. He is an adult and he will eat or not eat as he chooses. Pushing is very likely to make him feel misunderstood and defensive and not at all likely to change his habits.
KGD* August 28, 2024 at 6:16 pm Oops, sorry Dust Bunny. I started out intending to respond to your point and got pretty off track there. I wanted to say that I agree with you that it isn’t fair to his family, but also to say that this may not feel entirely within his control. He probably isn’t deliberately deciding to be grumpy and hangry with his family – he feels unable to take lunch for some reason, so he doesn’t. Either way, it is totally reasonable for his partner to discuss this with him directly, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to make it a big topic in the extended family.
Ama* August 28, 2024 at 6:23 pm Yeah I think as the mother-in-law the OP can’t do much more than she’s already done, but I have a feeling his coworkers have also noticed he’s not eating and gets cranky at the end of the day. Years ago, I had a coworker who decided his new diet was to only eat every other day — yes, that’s right, he didn’t eat at all for 24 hours at a time. (I know that periodic fasting is a recognized thing, but I’ve never encountered anyone else who was periodic fasting on this extreme of a schedule.) On the days he did not eat it was impossible to work with him — he would literally ask me a question in person, then go back to his desk and email me 10 minutes later to ask the same question, not just not remembering what my answer was but not remembering he’d already asked me . I tried to avoid sending all staff email announcements on days I knew he was fasting because he’d read it and forget everything in it, then claim later that he hadn’t been told whatever was in the email. He was luckily not outwardly cranky but he accomplished very little on the days he wasn’t eating. Unfortunately as this was academia and he was tenured faculty there wasn’t much us administrative staff could do to point out how much this was hurting his job performance. OP, cross your fingers that someone at his job finally points out how unpleasant he is to work with at the end of the day because he’s skipping lunch, because I bet you someone has noticed.
Figaro* August 29, 2024 at 5:18 am Yes! This is something my partner actually addressed with me ages ago. My stressed under eating, not having breakfast, etc. Until they spelled it out, like “this is impacting me too because you’re in a terrible mood and exhausted, eat a damn piece of toast please it takes four seconds”*, I didn’t quite realise it. (*They said it more lovingly)
Too Many Tabs Open* August 28, 2024 at 3:08 pm #11: You could also use it as a middle name instead of a first name. That’s something often done with family names that are weird or have social baggage — for example, one of my young relatives has Richard as a middle name to honor an ancestor but largely avoid the Dick jokes.
H3llifIknow* August 28, 2024 at 3:08 pm I’m confused by 43. Did the LW think they could just … have a free day? Were they going to charge 8 hours to their company/client when they couldn’t actually work?? It’s common sense and perfectly, REASONABLE for an employer to say “if you WFH, you have to BE ABLE TO WFH.” SMH
Dust Bunny* August 28, 2024 at 3:18 pm Especially since they’re already hybrid so they must have the ability to come in–i.e. they don’t live in a different country or something. I am confused by this, too.
Lexi Vipond* August 28, 2024 at 3:20 pm It does feel a bit like being punished for something that you didn’t do – it’s not like the OP signed up for cheap but unreliable wifi, the office just can’t keep its systems running. I don’t think it’s unreasonable, all the same. (Although if the internet goes out in the office, we’re not sent home to work – we just get to mess about until it comes back!)
H3llifIknow* August 28, 2024 at 3:57 pm I didn’t go back to reread (so there’s a possibility this is from another letter), but I thought the LW said they live 20 mins from the office so it’s not really “punishment” or a hardship to go in, IMHO. Of course if there WAS an issue like “on my WFH days my partner takes the car so I don’t have it,” hopefully they’d communicate that, and I do think they should have been given the option to take the day as PTO or flex the time if it was an issue versus “but it’s my WFH day!”
Person from the Resume* August 28, 2024 at 3:44 pm If I am at the office and the power goes out or the internet is down and I can’t work, I’d expect to be paid. Similarly if the company’s VPN is down, that’s a company caused problem and not a individual employee cause one (which it would be if his personal internet is down or power is out). But I do think the company can say (for employees who live close enough), that after a certain period of time being unable to work from home but able to work from the office you need to come in. Problem is of course, working from home with no video (as we do at my organization), I might need to shower, I would need to dress for work and drive into the office which would take an hour+ especially depending on the commute.
spcepickle* August 28, 2024 at 6:10 pm We have a policy that if you normally work from home and your power or internet goes out, you get one day of very little expectation. Because if you were in the office and the power went out I would keep paying you. But if the outage is not affecting the office and goes more than a day you need to find a different solution where you can keep working (if there is some huge region wide natural disaster that is also a different call). We also have everyone work with their supervisor to come up with something that can keep at home that they can work on with no internet and maybe even no power. Something like a training book, technical manual, or management book you have on your shelf that you can read in your downtime. We have this discussion every fall, because we are in an area known for ice storms and I would rather have people set up to stay safe at home then try and come in.
Figaro* August 29, 2024 at 5:25 am The word “policy” is the magic one here, I think. If these things are agreed and communicated in advance as a formal policy, a) it shouldn’t be a surprise if you do occasionally need to come in on days you expected to be at home and b) it shouldn’t cause such friction. But I do think the tone of how it’s expressed is important, and grace given for eg time to change clothes, tidy your hair etc. “You are expected in the office within 45 minutes, please, no excuses” is very different to “Unfortunately, there is an outage issue which is preventing team members from working. You are requested to come into the office. If you expect the journey to take longer than an hour or you foresee other complications, please speak with your line manager to discuss options. Apologies for inconvenience.”
Donn* August 28, 2024 at 6:27 pm Yes. I lived about a 45-min, big-city drive from ThenEmployer when my home Internet went down the afternoon of a data entry deadline day. I alerted my office, jumped in the car and drove in to finish the task. But I’m certain that in this position, some of my local colleagues would have done everything to avoid hauling the into the office. Including asking the boss who’d originally sent them the data, to forward a copy to the office manager for someone else to enter.
Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow* August 28, 2024 at 6:53 pm I’d always assume with hybrid that wfh is only “when technically possible” because it is still a work day not a holiday i.e. it would be necessary to go into the office whenever it is known that wifi/VPN will be out for more than say 2 hours of the working day, regardless of whether employer or employee has the tech problem.
Artemesia* August 28, 2024 at 3:11 pm you don’t need to ‘prove’ dropping an egg from the second floor onto a co-worker below was intentional; the thing itself is enough to fire him. And WTF. In what scenario could this be an ‘accident’ — if he was juggling and oops — well you can still fire him. But any scenario that doesn’t involve juggling puts the onus on him. Who is just carrying around a raw egg and happens to drop it off a balcony on someone’s head? Sheesh.
Dust Bunny* August 28, 2024 at 3:16 pm Yeah, what? I cannot think of any circumstances where one might be dangling a raw egg off of a second-story balcony at work.
Missa Brevis* August 28, 2024 at 5:55 pm My team actually did an egg drop competition for team building at work just last year – but we also marked the drop zone very clearly. At no point were any of our coworkers at risk of getting an egg dropped on them. The mind boggles.
blah* August 28, 2024 at 3:25 pm I mean, firing still seems extreme. It’s extremely unlikely that it was an accident, but if it was, how did Bob handle it? Did he apologize immediately and profusely? From how the LW described it, it sounds like he didn’t, but still. I think what Alison wrote is the best – keep an eye on him, if something similar happens again, THEN fire him.
Too Many Tabs Open* August 28, 2024 at 3:47 pm Yeah, unless it’s a restaurant, chicken farm, or ornithology lab, why does someone have a raw egg at work in the first place?
I went to school with only 1 Jennifer* August 28, 2024 at 5:39 pm Interestingly, everyone is assuming the egg was raw. I did too! But I just re-read, and it is not stated either way. But regardless, it’s irrelevant. Why on earth did co-worker even have an egg handy at the office anyway?
JustaTech* August 28, 2024 at 6:48 pm So, some people do eat hard-boiled eggs for lunch. So that would explain a *cooked* egg, possibly even still in the shell, at work. A raw egg would take a *lot* more explaining. But why would you be tossing around your lunch walking past the atrium? If it’s your lunch, don’t you want to eat it? If you drop it, even if it doesn’t hit anyone, you still can’t eat it, it’s splat all over the floor. I’m sure if we collectively put on our creative writing hats we could come up with a totally innocent scenario, but it’s highly unlikely.
Lexi Vipond* August 29, 2024 at 3:13 am It’s SO unlikely that it makes me wonder if it was an accident after all, due to the complete lack of plausible deniability.
Tiny clay insects* August 28, 2024 at 5:46 pm My background teaching physics is showing up here. I somehow just assumed they were doing an egg drop challenge, where you build something to protect your egg and see how high you can drop it from without it breaking. I suppose that isn’t typical in other fields, haha.
Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow* August 28, 2024 at 7:01 pm #52 What kind of egg? Chocolate egg –> Bob’s my new bestie Raw egg / fried egg –> vom emoticon and unless I can shower at work I’m going home immediately, telling the manager why. Boiled –> also messy if soft
The Prettiest Curse* August 29, 2024 at 1:20 am I too would be fine with having a chocolate egg thrown at me, messiness aside.
Beth* August 28, 2024 at 3:11 pm #49 — when I flag a comment, I include a link to a page with pictures of cute kittens. Because why not? And by the time I’ve looked up a page with cute kittens to use as the link, I’m usually feeling at least partially cleansed of whatever ick was in the problematic comment.
The Meat Embezzler* August 28, 2024 at 3:11 pm So for the music question #51. While I don’t personally have any experience doing this, here’s a link to an NPR article plus a 10 minute interview with Scott Vener who has created the music for a couple of big HBO shows–How To Make It In America and Entourage. The interview gives an interesting look behind his thought process. https://www.npr.org/2011/11/20/142558220/the-music-man-behind-entourage-shares-his-secret
traveling soon* August 28, 2024 at 3:13 pm I recently used the work copier for some personal ID documents so I could get a passport for my vacation – I sure hope nobody spotted me and assumed I was planning to leave! That’s kind of a big leap, there’s a lot of reasons you might need to copy that kind of stuff.
Coffee Protein Drink* August 28, 2024 at 3:15 pm I think if you’re using the Ember mug and enjoying it, that you didn’t pay too much for it. My favorite things on my desk are my model TARDIS and the beanie of Miles Morales as Spider-Man.
Caramel & Cheddar* August 28, 2024 at 3:30 pm If you use it every day, it pays for itself in six months! Though I just googled it and it only keeps your coffee warm for 80 mins at the 14oz size, which is not nearly long enough for me, so I guess I’m not getting myself one.
AFac* August 28, 2024 at 3:54 pm I think if you keep the mug on the charger, it keeps it warm indefinitely. The battery charge just lasts for 80 min. After a whole lifetime of the pattern where my drinks cool down gradually, it’s a bit mind-blowing to drink out of a cup and have the liquid still be hot. I’ve had mine for a couple of years and am still surprised about ‘still-warm drink when I expected cold’ on a weekly basis.
Ask a Manager* Post authorAugust 28, 2024 at 3:57 pm Yes! The battery charge, if it’s off the charging coaster, lasts 80 minutes. If you keep it on the coaster, it lasts longer (although not indefinitely, which was a disappointment to me — at least a few hours though). I am always surprised when my tea is piping hot an hour later, after years of programming to subconsciously expect it to be lukewarm. I love it.
AFac* August 28, 2024 at 4:02 pm I only have their small mug, not the larger volume travel cups, so I guess I always need a refill before the heating timer runs out.
Carmina* August 29, 2024 at 5:34 am How does it pay for itself though? Seems hard to quantify microwave trips or drinking your drink faster. Or is that assuming you’re tossing and replacing? Starbucks prices or at-home prices? (Math nerd alert)
Myrin* August 28, 2024 at 3:15 pm #52, what on god’s green earth was Bob doing just walking around with a (presumably raw) egg in his hands?! I feel like there aren’t many situations where this would plausibly a thing that would happen, the dropping of said egg totally aside for a moment. Yeesh. (Although I have to give it to him, if he intentionally tried to hit Mary and managed to do so, he must have impressively good aim and/or understanding of how the airflow in that lobby works.)
H.Regalis* August 28, 2024 at 3:25 pm Yeah, this is just so weird. The only thing I can think of is if this took place in a facility that processes eggs. Otherwise, what? Also, for some reason this makes me think of math problems: “If Bob drops an egg from the second floor, what is the force in Newtons when the egg lands on Mary’s head?”
Alton Brown's Evil Twin* August 28, 2024 at 3:28 pm Assume zero air resistance, and a spherical egg of uniform density.
Myrin* August 28, 2024 at 3:36 pm I imagined some sort of catering or kitchen-in-a-hotel environment, but that’s certainly just my brain trying to find a reasonable explanation for the premise at least.
Elitist Semicolon* August 28, 2024 at 3:38 pm My high school physics teacher used wrenches falling out of helicopters as the example for this kind of calculation but I could totally see him using people dropping eggs on other people’s heads.
metadata minion* August 28, 2024 at 3:41 pm Yeah, LW #25 appears to be living in a physics textbook and should be on the lookout for spherical cows.
Too Many Tabs Open* August 28, 2024 at 3:49 pm And be prepared for frictionless surfaces on their commute home.
Irish Teacher.* August 28, 2024 at 3:49 pm I have so many questions about that question. Was there previous conflict between Bob and Mary? Why was he carrying an egg? Does he habitually do things like dropping eggs on people’s heads? Where did the egg even come from? Like does he work in a place that uses eggs or was it for his lunch or…what? What explanation did he give? I know he said it was an accident, but…presumably he said more than “oh, whoops, I didn’t mean to drop an egg on her. It was an accident.”
Nonanon* August 28, 2024 at 4:11 pm “What an odd way of saying ‘egg on my face’ OH MY GOD IT’S THE SISTER SITUATION TO THE THROWN SANDWITCH”
ReginaG* August 28, 2024 at 3:15 pm #13 The amount we get for jury duty around where I live is barely enough to cover lunch and parking. My work gives us a paid day and doesn’t expect repayment of the 15 whole dollars we get from the court.
Gumby* August 28, 2024 at 4:41 pm Jury duty where I am does come with a parking pass but also a note that if the lot is full you can park in the paid garage across the street. Oh I can? How kind of you. (It’s also one day/one trial and at least half the time I don’t even have to go in after checking the web site the night before so it hasn’t impacted my life but it galls me that they might expect jurors to not only accept whatever loss of income would come from jury duty but also explicitly pay for the privilege.) Lunch where I am, unfortunately, would frequently go over that $15 amount assuming you also get a drink. In-n-Out is the only place I can get a meal under $10 these days.
Scarlet ribbons in her hair* August 29, 2024 at 10:17 am We in New Jersey get $5.00 per day. We get a parking pass, but I don’t drive and have to take a bus to the courthouse (and then home). We are not reimbursed for bus fare. And we get to pay income tax on the $5.00.
music for tv* August 28, 2024 at 3:20 pm I don’t remember what number this refers to, but my brother works for a company that produces and purchases music for movies, commercials, and tv shows. Generally the show producer has an idea of the kind of score they want, and this company has a library of music that the producer can look through and listen to. Depending on how recent the music is, there are various copyright issues that need to get negotiated. My brother’s also produced a few original scores.
H.Regalis* August 28, 2024 at 3:20 pm LW46 – I’m sorry you didn’t make the cut but even being good enough to try out for the Olympic team is amazing! Congrats. That takes a lot of time and hard work. Also, your coworker having your office searched is bullshit.
tabloidtained* August 28, 2024 at 3:22 pm #11: If you like it, use it. You can always tell people he’s named after your uncle. We don’t get away from political associations by deciding that certain names are off limits. People still name their children George and William and Richard. What names are and aren’t tainted is itself a political statement!
metadata minion* August 28, 2024 at 3:44 pm I think names become more emotionally charged when they’re rarer. George, William, and Richard are so common that I can’t off the top of my head think of what horrible people they’re associated with. I’m sure there’s more than one for each name. But “Donald” isn’t a common name for anyone under 70 or so — up until recently probably partly because nobody wanted their kid saddled with endless cartoon duck references — so one horrible Donald sticks in the mind more. Though that said, I’m all for not letting the current horrible Donald have dibs on the name!
UKDancer* August 28, 2024 at 3:55 pm Thinking about it the only name in the UK that I’d think is really off limits is probably Myra because of Myra Hindley. I don’t think anyone would call a daughter that any more because it was such a shocking case and the custody image of Myra Hindley is probably burnt on peoples’ brains as the image of evil. I don’t think there are other UK serial killers in the same position. I don’t think there’s a problem giving someone the same name as any particular British politicians, Oswald possibly for Mosley but that would be unusual and he’s mercifully been quite forgotten. I mean you could call your child Nigel (for populist politician Nigel Farage) but that’s a really unfashionable name now so all your friends would talk you out of it.
Lexi Vipond* August 28, 2024 at 4:07 pm I would assume Oswald was either Bastable or the Northumbria king!
Ferret number 1093* August 28, 2024 at 4:20 pm As an American, when I hear Oswald I think Lee Harvey Oswald, and would not want people thinking I named my kid after an assassin. I went to summer camp with James Earl Jones’s kids (no, he never showed up and told them “I am your father”, but for all I know he says it all the time in private) and one time a fellow camper mixed him up with James Earl Ray and asked him if he really shot Martin Luther King.
Lexi Vipond* August 29, 2024 at 3:09 am But there are plenty of Lees about, and a few Harvey’s, so the question can’t be solely ‘did an assassin have this name?’. It’s interesting!
The Prettiest Curse* August 28, 2024 at 5:19 pm My sister’s cheating ex is called Nigel, and it amuses me no end that the name is going out of fashion!
I went to school with only 1 Jennifer* August 28, 2024 at 5:45 pm We had a cat named Nigel. We always liked to talk about the plans we were making for him.
Melons and pineapples* August 28, 2024 at 5:54 pm I think if you named a child Boris, in the UK, then people’s thoughts would turn towards one particular person! But this fits with what other commenters have said: it’s not a common name among young people in Britain, so it would stand out.
Lexi Vipond* August 29, 2024 at 3:11 am Unless they had an obviously eastern European last name, maybe. Would a Donald MacGregor stand out less than a Donald Miller?
blah* August 28, 2024 at 3:23 pm #67: I’m a little confused – why are you responding to his using “work family?” Do you just want to say something to him about the term?
Irish Teacher.* August 28, 2024 at 3:23 pm LW61, I guess there are cultural differences at work here, but in my field (in Ireland), that wouldn’t fit at all with how sick days work. Sick days are for when you are sick. If you are not sick, you just don’t use them. We have a very limited number of days we can just call in – 7 days across two years rolling – and beyond that, we need certs. We have up to six months on full pay across four years and another six on half pay of certified sick leave, so people should have enough. But it wouldn’t be usable for parental leave anyway. Those leaves are separate. Certainly not in keeping with any collective bargaining agreement I’ve heard of, but again, it sounds like there are cultural differences in how sick leave works in play here.
Governmint Condition* August 28, 2024 at 3:30 pm We have sick day donations for hardship cases, but they are strictly anonymous.
Dust Bunny* August 28, 2024 at 3:35 pm Yeah, we have donations but they are to a pool, not to individuals directly.
Irish Teacher.* August 28, 2024 at 3:38 pm That makes a lot more sense than in return for meals cooked!
JustaTech* August 28, 2024 at 6:56 pm Yeah, when I worked for a US university where you could save up sick leave pretty much indefinitely (it didn’t pay out when you left) there was an official option to donate sick leave to other people in the university who had some kind of serious condition but needed “sick leave” so they could technically stay employed and keep their health insurance. I had a coworker who donated her sick leave to a guy (who she’d never met) in another department who had cancer until he died. It was nice that you could donate, but also BS that people needed to in order to keep their health insurance.
Jaydee* August 28, 2024 at 7:57 pm We had a sick leave pool at my previous job. If you had accrued more than X hours of sick leave, you could donate the excess to the pool. There were rules around when you could donate (like the first week of each month or the first week of each quarter ir something) so our payroll and benefits guy didn’t get overwhelmed. Then if you exhausted your sick leave, you could draw from the pool, but there was a lifetime max on how much any one employee could draw from the pool.
Gumby* August 28, 2024 at 5:09 pm Also, from the business perspective, you plan for everyone to have a certain amount of sick days available to them. But you’d plan in a **completely** different way for one specific person to be out for 18 months. It’s slightly better if you have lots of people in the same role with the same skills and knowledge but you’d still plan coverage differently for a long-term leave for one person than multiple shorter-term sick days across a variety of roles.
Never the Twain* August 29, 2024 at 6:10 am This can’t be as straightforward as it sounds. What is to stop a high-paid (say 250K) employee quietly buying a day of PTO off the janitor (40k pa)? So the janitor works the day as normal and takes home another $100 or so cash. Meantime, the purchaser has a day off and gets paid whatever the per diem equivalent is of 250K p.a. Get yourself high enough, and you’ll be able to stay at home full-time while still collecting 80% of your pay while the janitors and cleaners flog themselves into the ground on your behalf. If I can spot that one, there’s no way I’m the only one.
H3llifIknow* August 28, 2024 at 3:23 pm Number 8: Some things I ask: What will the first day will look like in terms of expectations, Will I be issued company furnished equipment (laptop, phone), Will there be an orientation with my team, HR, Security, etc..? Do I need to bring documents for the I-9 or other information like dependend SSNs for benefits, Will I be taking a badge photo, What are the core hours, What do people typically do for lunch (is there a cafeteria, local restaurants or do most brown bag it) this also gives them the opp to tell you that on your first day your new boss will take you to lunch if that’s their tradition,
Dawn* August 28, 2024 at 3:24 pm #28: sometimes it’s really important for people asking for advice to hear multiple people saying the same thing; many of our former LWs have actually borne that out in their updates – along the lines of, “some of the feedback was harsh, but I couldn’t ignore 300 people telling me I was doing it wrong.”
Grumpy 28* August 28, 2024 at 5:12 pm Totally! There’s just a difference between “I agree with Alison that you should X” vs “What I think you should do is X” as if no one’s mentioned it before.
Dawn* August 28, 2024 at 9:45 pm Although I typically do say so, I don’t really think it’s necessary to state “I agree with her” if that’s made obvious by your statement, either. Anyway! Not a particularly big deal, obviously.
WellRed* August 28, 2024 at 3:26 pm No. 39. I think Meghan comments here frequently under numerous names.
Apex Mountain* August 28, 2024 at 3:31 pm I thought they might be having a laugh at the commenters :)
I went to school with only 1 Jennifer* August 28, 2024 at 3:26 pm For question #44, about lunch breaks: Federal labor law does not require breaks BUT almost half of all states (plus Guam and Puerto Rico) do require that employers give lunch breaks. If your SIL works in one of those regions, he might be causing his employer to run afoul of labor law. For some people, knowing that can make the difference and it might work for your relative also. (https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/state/meal-breaks)
Roland* August 28, 2024 at 4:58 pm I only checked my state but you are allowed to waive meal breaks. Your employer only has to offer it (and to pay if you end up working during what was supposed to be a break, but that’s probably not relevant since he’s salaried.)
Sloanicota* August 28, 2024 at 6:51 pm I wanted to suggest they stock him up with cereal / energy bars on that one. Something he can eat one-handed in a minute or less and keep working. I had plenty of jobs like that – I was somewhat famous for having a pocket full of almonds for just this reason.
Amtelope* August 28, 2024 at 3:27 pm My sense of “please advise” is that it’s not intended to sound nice, it’s a work-appropriate way of saying “given that you still haven’t [answered my time-critical question/given me what I need to do the work/done anything to solve the problem I told you about], WTF do you expect me to do now?” If people are saying “please advise” when they just mean “let me know what you think,” that feels unnecessarily hostile.
Fluffy Orange Menace* August 28, 2024 at 4:00 pm I often will send an email like “This is the situation; I’m thinking of doing X. Thoughts?” Now I’m wondering if “Thoughts” is as obnoxious as “Please Advise”. Yikes. I hope not.
Nonanon* August 28, 2024 at 4:09 pm I always interpret it as “I don’t know what to do but I don’t want to be more direct with you.” TRUST ME, I will take “do you have the llama report?” over “We still need the llama report; please advise” ANY day.
Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est* August 28, 2024 at 4:15 pm “We still need the llama report; please advise” Yea, you’d be running a pool to see how many days it takes me to respond “Less is more.”
Roland* August 28, 2024 at 4:59 pm Agreed, that’s probably the main context I’d use it myself for sure.
Red Reader the Adulting Fairy* August 28, 2024 at 3:28 pm 48: Personally if someone was going to be grabbing my whole team (or even most of it) out of production for a meeting, I would rather be the one to decide when it was going to happen, so maybe they think they’re being helpful by letting you pick a timeframe for the rescheduling? (You also probably know more about your team’s schedules, busy times/downtimes etc.)
Irish Teacher.* August 28, 2024 at 3:30 pm I just adore Alison’s answer to #50. “People should not perform musical numbers about not liking their coworkers” had me laughing out loud, because it is so true.
Clementine* August 28, 2024 at 4:16 pm I was concerned about her advice to sing it at home though. Those nuns all live in the Abbey; they were at home!
Irish Teacher.* August 28, 2024 at 4:40 pm It was actually a while before that hit me, which is a disgrace really, when I was educated by Mercy nuns all the way from the age of 4 to the time I graduated from my degree.
Chapeau* August 28, 2024 at 5:17 pm I have a truly burning desire to pen a musical number about my most irritating coworker. Or possibly a limerick. Nothing dirty, though. Does anyone have a couple of rhymes for “calendar”? A song appeals to me in ways that David Attenborough’s voice in my head does not, and casually humming a tune to myself when Meghan is being particularly Meghan-y harms no one and keeps me smiling pleasantly instead of putting the EAP brochure on her desk.
A reader among many* August 28, 2024 at 10:10 pm “Calendar” seems tough to rhyme. I love it when work unexpectedly inspires art in you, though! I’m currently toying with a poem because I once sent a wholly routine shipment notification to an organization we were interacting with at the time, and I received a perfectly apt haiku in response. We aren’t working with that organization anymore. I want to send a poem that expresses my sorrow at that fact, but also at the fact that I may never learn, as a result of our parting of the ways, how to pronounce their organization’s slightly odd name. It’s one that’s an “eye rhyme” for a few different sounds, so it’s easy to rhyme, and each section (I don’t even know poem words) ends by rhyming it with a different sound. I can’t tie it all together, though, and I never finish anything I write.
Isabel Archer* August 28, 2024 at 10:46 pm I would very much like to see an elaborate musical number about whether or not Bob intentionally dropped an egg on Mary’s head.
The Prettiest Curse* August 29, 2024 at 1:08 am Why stop there? It could be an entire egg-drop themed mystery-themed musical, padded out with songs about other AAM mysteries. Broadway, here we come!
Heffalump* August 29, 2024 at 11:51 am I must admit that I would have liked to see the elaborate musical number.
Apex Mountain* August 28, 2024 at 3:33 pm On #65, the references question – I would definitely provide both phone and email. I also do an email intro with the reference and the reference checker and then let them coordinate
newfiscalyear* August 28, 2024 at 3:34 pm #51 – That is one of my dream jobs -to be a Music Coordinator/Music Supervisor for tv shows or even ads, at least in theory. I know one thing these people have to consider is the licensing costs in addition to being >>the perfect song here<<. I suspect this is a job that one has to know somebody to get a foot in the door or just be that outstanding, since it's the entertainment industry, which is typically cut-throat.
CheesePlease* August 28, 2024 at 3:34 pm Can someone explain QTMFJA? what does it mean? I’m so curious and can’t figure it out
Csethiro Ceredin* August 28, 2024 at 3:39 pm The original from the other column is “dump the m-r f-r already” so I assume this just subs in Quit.
Lily Rowan* August 28, 2024 at 3:43 pm It’s Quit the Motherfucking Job Already, a takeoff on Dan Savage’s DTMFA, Dump the Motherfucker Already.
Hlao-roo* August 28, 2024 at 3:44 pm Quit The Mother-F*** Job Already As Csethiro Ceredin says, it’s a play on the DTMFA acronym that’s popular in/from Dan Savage’s advice column.
Ahoy Hoy* August 28, 2024 at 4:23 pm That took me a minute too! It looks like an adaptation of the abbreviation referred to in the first part of the question, which is DTMFA. (And that one is googlable.)
General von Klinkerhoffen* August 28, 2024 at 4:24 pm Thanks everyone for explaining – I understood DTMF and QTMFJ but have never been able to work out the A.
EvilQueenRegina* August 28, 2024 at 6:11 pm I used to think it was Dump That Mother F****r’s A$$ until I saw it written out somewhere (possibly here?) as Already.
GythaOgden* August 28, 2024 at 3:35 pm Re: #51 — I did an internship at the BBC World Service in 1996. They had an extensive library of songs we could use on broadcasts as licensed. I had an encyclopedic knowledge of pop music and some awesome guy noticed me floundering a bit (the others I was working with were exchange students from various foreign universities, and I was, like, 16 and hadn’t even got my GCSE results yet) and showed me where the good stuff was kept. Basically it was fair game as long as it was in the library because everything was paid for. I had the opportunity to do a mock ‘broadcast’ recording with my headteacher about the GCSE results and went full on with a song from my favourite band. The main Beeb facilities had moved over to digital production but the World Service still used tape and razor blades and it was fascinating that cutting just there at point A and sticking it to point B was how an international broadcaster known for being the voice of sanity in many countries without a trustworthy news service could be at the mercy of a clumsy, shaggy purple-haired teenager with a pair of scissors. I hope I didn’t start any minor wars, although I did have to write an apology letter to Alexander Lebed, the Russian politician, for mangling his name. (Ok, maybe that was made up, but it was still fun being coached on the proper way to pronounce names and it left me with a real interest in language-learning.) So… I couldn’t be Alison’s interviewee because I was there for two weeks 28 years ago, but I will say it’s probably a function of another journalist or producer’s job. And I would be very interested to hear how it’s done /properly/.
GythaOgden* August 29, 2024 at 2:31 am Thank you! It brought back some really good memories. I was really privileged to be able to do it and I only wish I could have had the personal stability to pursue an actual career in media.
Aldabra* August 28, 2024 at 3:35 pm QTMFJA – I’m surprised that I got that immediately, nice one Allison!
I Have RBF* August 28, 2024 at 3:37 pm #15 – Acronymns My favorite expression for something happening that you should leave over is “Resume Generating Event” – that is, the event has driven you to updating/rewriting your resume to the point that it is current enough to send out. So that would be an RGE. Example: “My new manager is a major micromanager. Needless to say, it has become an RGE.”
Payroll Lady* August 28, 2024 at 3:38 pm To expand on #21 – Salaried – non-exempt calculations are a little more complicated than over 40 equals time and a half. The salary amount a person receives in this case covers all hours worked in the week however, you much be paid 1/2 time for the hours over 40. For instance: Weekly salary is $2000.00. Employee worked 60 hours. 2000/60 = 33.33/hour. Employee should receive 16.67 x 20 = 333.40 for a total of 2333.40 for that week. At no time can the base amount be under minimum wage for the week. I have had this come up in one job over 40 years of payroll. All it did was make more work for me and upset ALOT of employees when they realized how the calculations were done.
General von Klinkerhoffen* August 28, 2024 at 4:22 pm Wait, not $50/h? Isn’t that what “and a half” means? 40h @ 33.33 + 20h @ (1.5 × 33.33) ?
Two Dog Night* August 28, 2024 at 4:29 pm I would have thought that if the employee is paid $2000/week, their hourly rate is $50 ($2000/40 hours), and they’d be paid $75/hour for any hours in excess of 40 hours.
Two Dog Night* August 28, 2024 at 4:32 pm Yeah, from https://smallbusiness.chron.com/calculate-salaried-nonexempt-overtime-pay-10421.html Use the employee’s pay period salary rate to determine his hourly wage rate. Divide the employee’s gross salary by the number of non-overtime hours the employee works in the pay period. The result is the employee’s hourly rate. For example, if the employee’s salary is $2,000 per pay period and he works 80 non-overtime hours during the pay period, divide $2,000 by 80. The result is $25 per hour. Determine your company’s overtime rate. Many companies pay time and half for each overtime hour, but some companies pay double time. Multiply the employee’s hourly rate by the overtime rate. For example, if your overtime rate is time and a half, multiply the employee’s hourly rate by 1.5. If your overtime rate is double-time, multiply the employee’s hourly rate by 2.0.The result is your employee’s hourly overtime rate. Multiply your employee’s number of overtime hours by his hourly overtime rate. The result is your employee’s non-exempt overtime pay.
Ccbac* August 28, 2024 at 4:49 pm I have been salaried non-exempt and this is absolutely not how my pay was calculated.
Ccbac* August 28, 2024 at 4:56 pm might be a good comment for alison to confirm/respond to so no one gets underpaid/underpays their staff….
Wilbur's Friend Charlotte* August 29, 2024 at 1:52 am Payroll Lady, can you explain more about being a salaried, non-exempt employee? I’ve always understood a non-exempt employee as being one who is paid by the hour and is OT eligible while an exempt employee is paid a set salary amount per week regardless of the number of hours worked in the week. What would be the point of paying a set weekly salary to a non-exempt employee when the basis for their work is by-the-hour? The opposite is understandable; you can’t have a paid-by-the-hour exempt employee.
One HR Opinion* August 29, 2024 at 10:36 am Where I have worked in the past, salaried non-exempt is generally for administrative roles and in part mitigates the effect that literally clocking in and out can have on certain people’s morale. It means that you will receive $x biweekly based on the assumption that you will be working 40 hours/week. If you are 15 minutes late one day, you aren’t going to be automatically docked pay. If you work over 40 in either of the weeks, you are entitled to overtime pay for that time. In order for this to be done well, you have to have good management and honest employees. I had to tell many non-exempt staff not to work extra hours (as if they were exempt) even though I was personally guilty of it many weeks. It was just a couple of hours here and there, but I can’t trust that the other person won’t get PO’d and sue the company even if they swear up and down that they wouldn’t. P.S. Legally no one can waive their entitlement to OT, so if there were a Department of Labor audit, it wouldn’t matter whether the employee said they did it voluntarily or not.
Isben Takes Tea* August 28, 2024 at 3:38 pm 21. If the question is actually “But what do they use for an hourly rate if they’re salaried,” the answer is: they break your annual salary down into an hourly amount based on the total number of hours in a “work year.” They then take this rate and use it for time and a half or whatever the established overtime rate is.
GythaOgden* August 28, 2024 at 4:01 pm Yeah, this is how we do it in the UK. We get a fixed amount per month no matter how the month divides up into weeks, and the hourly rate is thus that salary divisible by contracted hours. Any additional hours are paid at the set hourly rate. Overtime is very seldom directly claimed for odd amounts — we are allowed to have comp time and most people, if they had to stay late for official reasons, would come in a commensurate period of time late the following day to make up for it. But it can be fairly lucrative — not only just at the time the OT is paid but when holiday pay is calculated, your hours over a fixed period are counted and a surplus is paid out as an average of the hours worked, not just at a normal rate. So say you earn £1000 per month (which was for me just under £10 an hour as I did 25 hour weeks while on reception) but you do a 37.5 week at one point because of coverage. You then take a week off. The pay for the week off is your normal salary plus a bit extra because it’s calculated differently due to those extra hours you did the previous week. I’m guessing it’s to ensure that people with unreliable hours from week to week get holiday pay calculated at a decent rate (say if you do 16 one week, 25 the next, and then take a week off that’s going to ensure you don’t lose out and your employer also knows how to pay you for that week if your hours would normally fluctuate) but it can be nice to be paid more for being off than you are for a normal week.
mbs001* August 28, 2024 at 3:39 pm #43 – Really? You expect to sit at home doing no work and still get paid? Our firm — as most — expect workers to come in if they can’t log on from home for whatever reason. It could be they are having internet or power issues at home. It could be a VPN issue preventing them from logging on remotely. Whatever the reason. You need to work to get paid. It’s not that difficult to understand.
GythaOgden* August 28, 2024 at 3:47 pm Yeah. I had a similar problem in July when there was a power cut that lasted half the afternoon. I could connect to the VPN through my phone hotspot, but at some point the laptop was going to run out of battery. My plan was: take my lunch, wait and see if we were reconnected, then muddle through until the laptop died, then hop on a bus into town and find somewhere that allowed laptop charging until COB at 5. Things were a bit dicey for an hour after lunch, and I had to flip all my fusebox switches to restart the electrical circuits once I got the impression that the electricity had been reconnected at the source, but I ended up being able to stay at home rather than go out. But yeah, pretty much. It’s your responsibility to make things work at that point.
constant_craving* August 28, 2024 at 4:51 pm I don’t think that’s similar. That was something about your work environment that had a failure. This was the company’s infrastructure that failed. There was a day many years ago when I was in office and the office had to be evacuated. I still expected to (and did) get paid for the day. I see this as more akin to that. I don’t think it’s entirely unreasonable for people to be asked to come in for the office, but I do think that if someone is unable to switch location partway through the day they should still get paid. And those coming in should be able to count the time needed to relocate as part of their workday.
mbs001* August 29, 2024 at 7:55 am That’s the problem with the majority of workers and what I see on this site as a long-time reader. Lazy people! No, you don’t deserve to be paid if you’re not working but could be. If your work allows you to do so, take leave if you simply can’t leave your cave to do the work you’re paid to do. But you do not deserve to be paid without working or using leave.
Noquestionsplease* August 28, 2024 at 8:04 pm I am remote 4 days a week. However, if I woke up one morning without electricity and internet in my house, I’d haul my ass into work for a chunk of the day. If my WORK’s servers went down, why would I leave my house to sit in an office, still unable to log in? That’s on work, and yes, they are going to pay me.
Lexi Vipond* August 29, 2024 at 3:06 am But in this case everything in the office was working, what was broken was the secure connection between you and the office.
allathian* August 29, 2024 at 7:27 am My org has flexible working hours, so if our VPN failed and unless I had something on an urgent deadline that had to be done that day, I’d use flexitime to stay at home. I constantly have at least 10 hours, usually closer to 20, to use for things like that. That’s one reason specifically stated as an appropriate procedure in our employee handbook.
Furry critters at work* August 28, 2024 at 3:40 pm OP 5 again (badgers) A school library in our area did have a ringtail lemur incursion (school was fairly near the Duke Primate Center). https://today.duke.edu/2010/06/lemur.html
Definitely not me* August 28, 2024 at 3:41 pm #13 paid leave: If it’s a publicly funded job, it’s not merely a policy but is probably in state/local law that you can’t get paid twice with public funds. Simple as that. The same rule applies to public board members who have to travel to meetings and likely are missing a day of work at their regular job. If both jobs are paid by taxpayer dollars, they must make an election as to which job they wish to pay them for board attendance. That’s how it works where I live, and I imagine it’s similar in most places in the U.S #8 what to ask before you start: Unless you live in a city and will be commuting on public transportation, you should ask where to park. Last year our boss forgot to tell a new specialist to park temporarily in one of our marked “visitor parking” spaces for orientation. They instead parked in a space reserved for company staff, not realizing those spaces are assigned. The staff person whose space was occupied had to pay for on-street parking and glared angrily at the new person, whom they hadn’t even been introduced to yet. I felt bad for them; they didn’t know. #5 – I think Alison is being punked. Or perhaps the LW doesn’t know what a badger is, or they’re in a country where “badger” means something different than in means in the U.S. Badgers absolutely do not live in human spaces, much less offices. They live very large dirt burrows. #4 private info on copier. That one feels fake to me, too. Do people really need to ask a professional whether it’s okay to gossip about or share that kind of personal information? Were they raised in a storage closet by badgers?
Pillow Castle* August 28, 2024 at 3:43 pm #19 (bored at work) – I am one that has decided that I don’t want to be bored at work. I used to love what I do, but it’s changed to where I don’t enjoy it anymore after a reorg. I’m paid well and could easily ride this out for a few more years before I’m not longer needed in the role, but I’d rather take a pay cut and be intellectually engaged.
allathian* August 29, 2024 at 7:29 am Yeah, people vary a lot in their need for engagement. Completely bored out is no fun, but I’d still rather be bored than overworked…
HannahS* August 28, 2024 at 3:44 pm #56, I feel you. I have had supervisors do that–they make 2-3x more than me. I never felt that I had the standing to say anything, but what I took from it was that the person saying it clearly didn’t manage money well. It really underscored for me that wealth is about more than just income, and led to some very important conversations with my partner about what wealth meant to us. But yes, it’s so infuriating to hear.
Carmina* August 29, 2024 at 5:31 am Especially since the LW is in HR! It’s really baffling to me how many HR people, and supervisory HR people at that, seem to have no people skills at all. My own supervisor is a bit like that too, but he’s the first to admit he’s terrible with money, and he laughs at some gentle ribbing from the team about it. He’s also quite generous, taking the team out for drinks etc. So people don’t mind. I just count myself lucky that I know how to live within my means, including retirement savings, with a much lower salary (but still a good and fair one, to be clear – I guess it would sting more if I were making minimum wage or otherwise underpaid!)
Isben Takes Tea* August 28, 2024 at 3:47 pm #31. I highly suggest you take Alison’s advice! It sounds like a really difficult and painful thing to deal with. The sooner you can address it the better, both for your mental health and your career. There are many roles where it would be a fireable offense to have a non-employee read business communications. Good luck!
Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est* August 28, 2024 at 3:57 pm Now I have a quick question to submit! Murphy and his law…
Chirpy* August 28, 2024 at 4:02 pm Re: 51: if someone does this professionally, I’d really love to know how to get paid to choose music for tv/film/etc. I make themed playlists like this for fun!
GooglyMooglies* August 28, 2024 at 4:04 pm #31 seconding therapy but specifically look at Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. It’s a common comorbidity with things like ADHD. I have it and my mom has it, and it can be debilitating, and even with therapy I struggle, but I’m so much better than I used to be. I would get papers back in high school and wouldn’t even look at the grade, it was so bad.
JustaTech* August 28, 2024 at 7:05 pm Oh my goodness, I never though this could be part of why I react so strongly to getting back edits/audits! When I was in high school I would have to ask my mom to write down her comments on my essay (that I had asked her to look at) because I *could not* deal with addressing them right there with her. I’ve gotten a lot better with comments on my writing, but data audits still give me a short hate spiral where I really beat myself up over tiny errors (that are 100% expected, and that’s why we have audits). I never thought it might be part of the RSD.
Data Data Data* August 28, 2024 at 4:07 pm RE 55 – I have an off brand Ember type cup, still pricey, but I love it! Anyone in a cold climate, or just likes hot coffee/tea/whatever should consider :-)
Roland* August 28, 2024 at 5:03 pm I was on the fence about one of these, I ended up just getting a cheapo mug warmer and that was game changing too! I love my mugs and ultimately didn’t want to just be tied to one special mug, so I feel like the warmer pad is the best of both worlds.
Elsewise* August 28, 2024 at 4:07 pm #52 and #5 are both so devoid of context that as much as I’d like those writers to get back here and explain themselves, a small part of my brain has decided that it’s the same workplace and is trying to figure out how they’re connected. Do badgers especially like eggs? Could Bob’s egging of Mary be what drew the badgers to the supply closet in the first place? Alternatively, could Bob have been throwing the egg in the first place to try to lure the badgers out of the supply closet, and it truly was an accident that he hit Mary? Are either Bob or Mary (or both!) badgers?
Noquestionsplease* August 28, 2024 at 8:22 pm The only explanation is Bob STOLE THE BADGER’S EGG! The Badger Syndicate was pursuing Bob, who tried in vain to hurl the stolen egg to Mary. Alas, Mary was distracted by the mariachi band in the lobby, and the egg met its doom when it connected to Mary’s skull. Bob and Mary, horrified and in desperate fear for their lives, fled the building with the Badgers in hot pursuit. Tune in next week, same Badger Time, same Badger Channel.
Irish Teacher.* August 29, 2024 at 12:44 pm Bob is a badger and was carrying an egg in his mouth and dropped it on Mary, who then wrote in, asking how to get rid of the badgers who are dropping eggs on her head.
General von Klinkerhoffen* August 28, 2024 at 4:16 pm “58. Produce giveaways” One glorious summer a coworker brought in a glut of damsons (a kind of plum). I took quite a few home, and brought some back to him in the form of jam, with more jars and fresh scones for the office kitchen. That was a good week for everybody.
SpaceySteph* August 28, 2024 at 4:38 pm Re: produce, definitely bring it in. I live in a hot climate but summers are pepper season and there are TONS of peppers being given away in the office. People go wild for them. I’d recommend bring like one container’s worth (whatever container you collected it in… a box? a bucket? a baggie? etc) and if they are all taken or people seem generally enthusiastic about them, bring in some more the next day.
Roland* August 28, 2024 at 5:04 pm I had a coworker who kept bees once. He’d always share with us and I’d bake something with it in return.
JustaTech* August 28, 2024 at 7:07 pm For several years I would ask in the summer for people’s “oh no” zucchinis – you know, the one you swear wasn’t there yesterday but it’s there today and it’s as big as your arm? They’re not great eating but they’re brilliant for zucchini bread. Now I have a coworker who occasionally graces us with asparagus, which is awesome.
allathian* August 29, 2024 at 7:15 am Oh god, the overgrown zucchinis… When I was a kid we had a kitchen garden. Onions, carrots, potatoes, various types of peas, lettuce, radishes, turnips, etc. Nothing quite beats home grown veggies for flavor. But my mom put her foot down when my dad started growing zucchinis. When they get large enough, they become partly hollow inside, like jack o’ lantern pumpkins. The following summer, my mom told my dad that she was going to harvest the zucchinis when they were small and delicious and only allowed him to pick one to grow as large as possible.
Mostly Managing* August 28, 2024 at 4:18 pm #30, mom returning to the work force. Seconding Alison’s advice. Include all your volunteer work. If it’s more relevant and more recent than your paid work, put it first! Use your cover letter to explain how your volunteer experience breeding hedgehogs gives you the skills needed to be an excellent pet store employee. I did that exact thing about 8 months ago, and am loving my new (paid) role!
Anonymous Duck* August 28, 2024 at 4:20 pm Not quite badgers in the closet, but our office had ducks nesting on a terrace (many stories up). They called a local wildlife rescue to help ensure the baby ducks and parents made it safely to a nearby pond, since they wouldn’t have been able to do it on their own.
2e asteroid* August 28, 2024 at 4:21 pm #61 made a lot more sense after I realized that it was supposed to parse as “(sick day) trading” and not “sick (day trading)”.
Tormented Artichoke* August 29, 2024 at 2:11 am Haha same!! “Where’d you get that sweet car?” “Bro, I’ve been doing some SICK day trading!”
Orv* August 28, 2024 at 4:24 pm Re #47: This can depend on the field, too. I work in higher ed, and when people I know apply for jobs I always warn them that the hiring process is extremely byzantine. When I applied for my job it was a couple months before I got an interview and a few weeks before I got an offer.
Percy Weasley* August 28, 2024 at 4:25 pm RE: #51, asking about the job of scoring TV & films, the podcast Hot and Bothered did an episode on this. Release date was 5/21/24.
supply closet badger* August 28, 2024 at 4:27 pm Well, looks like it’s time for a new username … thanks for the smiles, #5, and I sincerely hope that your badger problem gets fixed soon so you can work in peace!
NotSoRecentlyRetired* August 28, 2024 at 4:31 pm #42 I would think that there’s a health issue for someone going barefoot in the office. I would take my shoes off if I wore a pair that were painful, but only when I ran to the restroom and back. Check the company dress code.
Seven If You Count Bad John* August 28, 2024 at 6:04 pm We once had someone who not only clipped her toenails, but *filed her calluses* at her desk. This was a large, corporate call center.
JustaTech* August 28, 2024 at 7:09 pm For a while my husband worked at a tech company with a guy who would go into the bathroom in his socks. Everyone thought that was weird and gross, but I don’t know that anyone ever said anything about it to him. (My work has safety requirements for close-toe shoes, so “barefoot” hasn’t ever come up.)
Retitrree* August 28, 2024 at 4:52 pm Regarding the over 40 hours requirement to pay overtime – I believe in California if you’re entitled to overtime it’s over eight hours in a day and/or 40 hours in a week. So you are owed daily overtime, even if the total of hours does not exceed 40.
shannanigans* August 28, 2024 at 4:53 pm #51 that interesting job is called a Music Supervisor and my husband is one! He’d be happy to answer your questions, Alison!
Roland* August 28, 2024 at 5:06 pm We really have everything in the comments! Amazing. I would go ahead and email her in case she doesn’t see your comment.
Sloanicota* August 28, 2024 at 6:53 pm I wondered if it was even a full job or just something the producer/writer/someone does as part of a larger job, so I am thrilled to hear it’s a job!
Kyrielle* August 28, 2024 at 4:55 pm Re #15, I like “YES GO” – Your Employer Sucks, Get Out – but it is more prescriptive than I think Alison would care for, because honestly, if your employer sucks and isn’t going to change, you might still weigh everything else and stay. It depends on what ‘sucks’ means in the context.
Quill* August 28, 2024 at 4:58 pm The dropped egg raises so many questions. Was it cooked? Raw? In shell?
The Francher Kid* August 28, 2024 at 5:01 pm #72: I witnessed something like this at a store where I shopped frequently. I said nothing in the moment, I didn’t know what to do but felt terrible for the employee being publicly blasted. After lots of thought, I spoke to the General Manager next time I was there and told her that although it was none of my business why the employee was being so thoroughly chewed out, I knew they had private offices in the back of the store and I thought that should have been done there. That I had almost put my basket full of purchases down and walked out because I was so uncomfortable witnessing that. She said she would speak to the manager in question, and I feel sure that she did (she had been there for a long time and knew me and knew my complaint was not frivolous).
Bruce* August 28, 2024 at 7:05 pm Back in 2021 a local coffee shop was doing to-go orders, a customer got really irate about the wait time and unloaded on the worker, topping it with “I’m going to write a bad review on Google!” as he flounced out the door (Thank you Alison for reminding me of that verb). The rest of us were just stunned… my order came up shortly and I was extra nice to the staff member and told him I appreciated them being open (this was before vaccines I think). I actually watched google for a couple of weeks, sure enough a review showed up that sounded somewhat like the complainer… so that was when I posted a good review >:-)
Mangled Metaphor* August 28, 2024 at 5:03 pm #59 – the I don’t want to be here decor. A couple of years ago my desk mate announced she was retiring in just over a year. One of my coworkers made her a countdown calendar starting at 400 days. When a different coworker asked me where my calendar was, I was made one by the first coworker – given my country’s current retirement age, and my moderately young age, it started at over 10,000 days. I left it up for a couple of weeks because it made everyone who visited our desk giggle, then took it down. (I’m at about 8,400 days now, but the calendar sits in my home office where only I can see it)
Dasein9 (he/him)* August 28, 2024 at 5:14 pm I get a lot of feedback on documents and generally use “please advise” when I’ve received contradictory feedback, like if an edit violates the style guide. It just means I’m kicking it back to the person who gave me the contradiction because I can give them either option A or option B but they have to figure out which they want. (Sometimes violating the style guide is fine; sometimes not so much.)
Persephone Mulberry* August 29, 2024 at 12:26 am Yes! I use it mostly as shorthand for “someone has asked a question that is over my pay grade, please tell me how you would like me to respond.” (And oftenimes I soften it with a question mark – “please advise?” rather than “please advise.”
Figaro* August 29, 2024 at 5:45 am Same! “This is above my paygrade” is a good way of explaining it. I use it rarely and I’d be more inclined to say “I’d be grateful if you could advise” or “Please could you advise?” which somehow changes the tone but I’m not sure why.
Agile Phalanges* August 28, 2024 at 5:16 pm When I worked in medical transcription, we all had our own clippers and would clip our nails at our desks. You’d be surprised how annoying slightly long fingernails can be when you use your fingers THAT much. But that was the culture at that workplace, and no one minded. I can see how it’s not acceptable at other offices, and make sure to clip them at home these days. (That job is why I can’t have nails with more than 1 mm of “white” and not at ALL past the actual finger, and also why I q-tip my ears every single day. And I haven’t done transcription in well over 20 years at this point.)
Dawn* August 28, 2024 at 5:31 pm Yeah, it’s a bit of a different story when you type or play piano for a living (both of which I’ve done.) Everyone gets it.
VP of Monitoring Employees' LinkedIn Profiles* August 28, 2024 at 5:22 pm #67 (Work family)… We’re a fammmmmily!” is code for “We’ll treat you like an unwanted stepchild.”
Mrovka* August 29, 2024 at 3:47 pm “We’re a family!” would be met with shock and horror – “Have you MET my family?!”
Love my lunch* August 28, 2024 at 5:25 pm For #44. I wanted to second what someone else said. In some states (and some industries) your employer can get in trouble if you don’t take a meal break within a designated period of time. It might also be part of the union rules.
Ellen Ripley* August 28, 2024 at 5:27 pm For LW29 (feedback gives you a terrible physical response) maybe look into therapists who do EMDR therapy. I believe your situation is a really good use case of it. Life is hard, we can all use some support!
pagooey* August 28, 2024 at 5:31 pm #72: Kudos to the OP for wanting to intervene–a moment’s kindness can go an incredibly long way under those circumstances. But that Q also prompted a very fond memory of my own retail bookstore days. I worked in an enclosed mall, and the store entrance featured a metal grille/gate that we pulled down and locked when we were closed. Early-bird customers would mill around out there impatiently, and more than one would RATTLE THE BARS or call out to try and get our attention. A colleague and I had a tactic for those: we’d go into the stacks, close enough to be heard at the entrance, but not seen…and then we’d FAKE a screaming match. Insults, curses, all while desperately trying not to laugh. Then when the “mall is open” chime sounded, we’d collect ourselves, walk out, and open the gate, smiling like Disney princesses. Go figure, even the most obnoxious customers would hesitate, for an instant. (So, OP, I doubt–but sincerely hope–that perhaps the scolding you witnessed was for the employees’ own amusement…?)
My oh my* August 28, 2024 at 5:39 pm For #9, naming a child Donald, give that child options in case he has an issue with the name when he’s older. For example, call him Donny, give him a middle name he could go by instead, give him a middle name that starts with J do he could go by DJ, etc. I honestly wouldn’t do it though – using Donald as a middle name would be better to honor your family member. Sometimes names get overwhelmed by events. Think of all the Katrinas, Alexas, Karens out there.
Bruce* August 28, 2024 at 7:07 pm I remember there were some people naming daughters Arya or Daenerys… at least Arya didn’t turn out bad in the end!
Bruce* August 28, 2024 at 5:46 pm #52… I think there is zero chance that the egg was dropped accidentally. I hope Mary has made an issue of it, Bob should be on double-special-sudden-death probation in any reasonable company…
TootsNYC* August 28, 2024 at 6:11 pm how does someone have an egg near a balcony in order to be dropped
A reader among many* August 28, 2024 at 10:14 pm Amateur magician? Bob may also have a flock of doves–perhaps it wasn’t a chicken egg–a collapsible sword, and seventy yards of colorful scarf up one sleeve, and he hasn’t the skill to govern these unwieldy items yet.
Bruce* August 28, 2024 at 11:37 pm I wonder if he was tap dancing while he spun whatever story he told about it being an accident?
PDB* August 28, 2024 at 5:53 pm 51: I was a production and post production sound mixer in TV and movies. Songs get picked in any way you can possibly imagine. You can start by reading the script or watching a rough cut and a song will suggest itself. Or you’ve had a song you always wanted to use and find the chance. Or the song will just pop into you mind at the oddest moment. Sometimes you can tell the age of the song picker from the selections. I have a theory that they pick the songs they liked in high school, especially ad agency creative directors. Why else would Goodby To You by Patty Smyth appear in a spot. Once in a while the exact right song is picked and you get the theme song to Friends.
Figaro* August 29, 2024 at 4:33 am That’s fascinating. Do the writers or directors have control over this too? Sometimes the music feels 100% part of the creative experience (Bojack, Jane the Virgin…) and sometimes it feels like it was cut in by someone else.
PotatoRock* August 28, 2024 at 6:09 pm #68 While the contract is bananapants, I would add that it’s really NOT a boss’s job to “teach someone how get out of being disappointed or depressed” at work, or otherwise manage their emotions. Especially not for someone in a manager role – for an intern or new grad, I might do a little “hey, you seem really discouraged about XYZ project getting cancelled last week – that’s actually really common in our industry. I think of our part in it as still successful because we blah blah blah” but if a senior person isn’t managing their emotions at work, it’s my job to tell them where the bar is, but not to teach them how. This feels like a really clumsy attempt to write a PIP along the lines of “you gotta be reasonably pleasant to work with” and (hopefully) not a “you can’t have medical depression or express any emotion ever”
TootsNYC* August 28, 2024 at 6:11 pm I had this same thought—it’s not the boss’s job to teach them that. The boss could say “you need to learn this,” and the boss could point out any HR resources for counseling.
I Can't Even* August 29, 2024 at 8:18 am I am the writer of this letter, we do have HR, HR is the one who had mid-tier manager sign the contract. I can see the outlook that yes, you do have to be pleasant to work with. There may or may not have already been conversations about difficulty to work with however mid-level manager historically avoids conflict like the plague so I doubt it?
TootsNYC* August 28, 2024 at 6:10 pm “Thank you, but I’m under strict orders from my doctor not to make exceptions.” “Thank you, but no.” “It’s a medical restriction and it’s not flexible.” If someone keeps pushing after one of those, they’re being rude — but you don’t need to convince them or even engage at all. Change the subject, find a reason you need to leave the room, etc. or literally and directly say, “Please don’t pressure me on this. It’s incredibly uncomfortable to have to keep telling you no. Please respect my medical boundaries.” Or “I understand that you are having a generous impulse, and I truly appreciate that. But I need you to stop pressuring me about food. It undoes all your generous impulses.”
Gray Lady* August 28, 2024 at 6:17 pm A copy of a driver’s license could be used for SO MANY things that have nothing to do with leaving a job. The possibilities with a passport are fewer, but still non-zero.
Bruce* August 28, 2024 at 7:10 pm I always have a photo of my passport on the cloud… I realize it could be a security issue but the idea of having it stolen with no way to ID myself overseas is more terrifying.
Figaro* August 29, 2024 at 5:56 am I don’t have a drivers license so a passport is what I use for everything. Housing, attending a secure event, all sorts of things.
Sparrow* August 28, 2024 at 6:20 pm @ LW#4, things I’ve had to provide copies of my driver’s license for include: signing my apartment lease, school applications, getting established with a new doctor’s office, my passport application, and many other things I can’t even think of right now. Pair that with the fact that it would be pretty poor judgment to print anything for a job application at your current workplace, and I honestly really doubt this has anything to do with a new job. But even if you found something that indicates it definitely for sure was for a new job, I think this is pretty squarely none of your business and not something to treat as idle gossip—particularly when the consequences of gossiping about this could be as high as your coworker losing their current job prematurely. (And apologies to the LW who was bothered by people restating Alison’s answer if it seems like I’m doing that here—I think Alison was right on the money that a lot of us just do it to emphasize our agreement with her advice!)
Mother of a Sound Designer* August 28, 2024 at 6:20 pm Re #51, the person who chooses the music for TV shows, movies, and plays is called a sound designer. Sometimes, a composer is *also* hired to write original music. There may be a musical director, too, unless the sound designer selects all pre-existing recordings; they would be in charge of the musicians. Related job titles are sound engineer and sound supervisor. Depending on the size and complexity of a production, it may have all three or combine the roles.
Tormented Artichoke* August 29, 2024 at 2:03 am My childhood friend’s brother does this: he writes scores for TV shows. He’s won a few Emmy awards for his music!
Aphrodite* August 28, 2024 at 6:34 pm #72 (a passerby hearing a retail manager berating an employee beyond reason and within public hearing). I was very distressed when this happened to me at Sears many, many years ago. I was in there returning some Lands’ End items. An older woman was helping me but getting a bit confused. I didn’t mind that she took a little time but a cheap-ass and hateful young abusive low- or middle-level manager did. He was probably in his twenties, she was in her sixties. I’d guess. But he came to the register checkout where the woman was helping me (another female employee was there too). He began to loom, physically and emotionally, over the woman who was short; he was tall and portly. Intimidating size and he used it to maximum advantage while sighing loudly and almost profanely. He kept interrupting her to tell her what she was doing wrong and supposedly how to correct it. It must have gone on for nearly ten minutes as I got more embarrassed and distressed by the second. I felt so terrible for the poor woman, almost as if his blows were raining down on me. He finally demanded the other young woman take over and sent my original helper out onto the floor. She managed to paste a smile and a cheerful attitude on herself, asking people coming in how she could help them. I felt like crying. I went outside and sat on a bench. I felt like crying but instead debated going back and saying something to the store manager or writing corporate but Sears was such a godawful company that regularly abused and hated its employees. And I regret so much my indecisiveness that day and afterwards. I never did do anything and it is one of the very few times I was a genuine coward and I’ve never forgotten her. What an awful human being I was that day. I hope she found peace and kindness.
Cats Ate My Croissant* August 29, 2024 at 6:08 am I don’t think you were awful, you were just human. Quite often when we see behaviour that is so egregiously beyond the way we would react in the same situation, our brains just go blank. It’s the ‘freeze’ part that often gets left off the end of ‘fight or flight’.
Hamster Manager* August 28, 2024 at 6:36 pm OMG #24 nooo! If you’re so offended by the gig rate that you’re going to do a bad job on purpose, don’t accept the gig or negotiate the rate. You never know when a random freelance project might lead to something really fantastic. I always do my best possible job, and today I got a cold-email request for work from Global Brand You Definitely Know, because they asked someone I’d worked for previously if they know anybody for the job. Doing bad or even mediocre jobs (or being a pain to work with) will not get your name in the ring for future cool things!
Yes And* August 28, 2024 at 6:38 pm #11 “It’s not like naming your aby Adolph.” JUSTICE FOR ADOLPH GREEN!
Hermione Danger* August 28, 2024 at 6:40 pm I would absolutely Die of the cuteness if I met a cat, dog or toddler named Donald.
Weavinglibrarian* August 28, 2024 at 6:42 pm “If you’re 50 years old or younger, give every book about 50 pages before you decide to commit yourself to reading it, or give it up. If you’re over 50, which is when time gets shorter, subtract your age from 100 – the result is the number of pages you should read before deciding whether or not to quit. If you’re 100 or over you get to judge the book by its cover, despite the dangers in doing so.” ― Nancy Pearl
Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow* August 28, 2024 at 6:58 pm #4 Why do so many people here even consider telling their boss that they think a coworker may be looking for another job? It’s absolutely not their business – it’s neither a performance issue nor a behaviour issue. If your accidentally find out any other kind of irrelevant private information, – e.g. pregnancy, fertility treatment, depression – just MYOB and move on with your own work/life.
Forrest Rhodes* August 28, 2024 at 7:44 pm #52 I’m so confused! Have spent the last hour trying to develop a rational explanation for: a) why Bob had a raw egg at work in the first place, and b) why he was carrying it around with him as he wandered the office’s hallways and balconies in the second, and c) what kind of conversation about the egg he was having—either with others or in his own little brain—in the third, and finally d) what point he could possibly be trying to make by dangling the egg over the balcony in the fourth. I am having no success with any of that, so think I’ll go eat a giant chocolate-chip-and-macadamia-nut cookie. At least THAT will make sense!
Jaydee* August 28, 2024 at 8:05 pm The only workplace where this makes any sense is a school or children’s museum where they’re doing an egg drop challenge to see who can devise the best system to cushion an egg as it falls. Also very fun to do at home with your kids if you have a second floor window or deck you can drop it from. https://www.msichicago.org/science-at-home/hands-on-science/egg-drop-challenge
Irish Teacher.* August 29, 2024 at 12:54 pm I really want to know how he explained it. Like what reason did he give for all the questions you’ve posed?
Texas Teacher* August 28, 2024 at 7:50 pm #61, trading meals for sick days, how good must this persons cooking be? Or are sick days that plentiful and therefore cheap?
Bruce* August 28, 2024 at 11:42 pm When my wife’s first husband was sick with cancer her fellow teachers gifted her months worth of sick days, it was very generous but it is a shame they needed to do that so she could stay with him in his final days.
Crencestre* August 28, 2024 at 8:57 pm #72. Supervisor publicly berating subordinate: As a customer, YOU have a LOT more influence than any employee does – employers are VERY aware that bad publicity can wreak havoc on a business – so use that power in this situation! You also have a cell phone that records both video and audio AND can post both to the internet, along with identifying information as to which business this was. Take out that cell phone, hold it up and start recording – and don’t be surprised if the verbally abusive manager suddenly pipes down a whole lot. If they don’t, well, you can always post your video online and let the store deal with the fallout. I repeat: use your power as a customer! #68. Boss wants employee to sign contract stipulating no negative emotions: I very much doubt that this is legal and it certainly wouldn’t hold up in court! But Alison is right, OP; bring this to HR. Even if they don’t really care about the neurodivergent employee who’s being expected to stifle himself, they really WILL care about getting into an ADA-breaking legal morass – and the attendant godawful publicity that would inevitably ensue. #59: Managers burst out singing about bungling employee: “How do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?” was, as you’ll recall, sung by the convent superiors to each other; the rest of the nuns, and certainly the postulants and novices (Sister Maria’s peers) were NOT there and were NOT within earshot. The superiors were discussing among themselves whether or not to let Sister Maria advance in the ranks (so to speak.) They certainly weren’t shaming her in front of the other sisters! So take a tip from them and be sure not to let your exasperation with a particular employee became a public show; keep it between yourselves and the employee.
Raida* August 28, 2024 at 9:09 pm 71. Touchy boss one word my friend: Elbow. Sit with it out. 56. Boss complains about money, a lot I’d go with something like “So, have you spoken to a financial counsellor? I’ve never lived hand to mouth even as a uni student, I can’t imagine how stressful that must be to experience on *your* salary.” And give them some solid eye contact to drive home “I know you are paid more than me.” And then maybe just a simple “Sorry, I don’t think you know how much you complain about yoru personal finances at work. But it’s too much. You only complain. You never talk about strategies to fix things or lower stress, so I need you, as an HR professional, to cut back on the captive audience you have as a manager to do this personal venting. Or do something about your finances mate.” 46. Coworker said my office should be searched because I tried out for the Olympics Tell the Dean “Now that this anonymous concern has been dealt with, I expect in the future if any such claims are made and requests for searching that the person complaining needs to provide some evidence other than “I think…” Because otherwise this opens up staff to anonymous tips resulting in searches, which would be a nice neat form of harassment, don’t you think? The search was interruptive, invasive, embarassing, and no doubt created fodder for gossip. I have done nothing wrong, I am offended and insulted anyone thought I would, and I can’t even talk to the person who had this concern to find out where the idea came from! Did someone else tell them I had a gun? Did they create an anxious fantasy in their head? No idea, can’t address the underlying issue, don’t know if they are convinced I’ve stashed *all my guns* somewhere else temporarily because I *knew* a search was coming. If this happens again, and it’s the same person, I expect you to find out where the issue is coming from and not act against me to repeat this pointless and offensive exercise.” 39. Employee got angry at someone who told her to have a good weekend Saying hello, goodbye, morning, afternoon, and have a nice weekend are all completely acceptable and professional interactions. They are not to be interpreted as anything other than pleasantries, they are not prying, and they are not doing anything to illicit a negative response from you in a professional environment. If you respond unprofessionally again to these types of interactions there’ll be issues. Do you have any questions? 38. Too much dog time? I’d ask them to provide an agenda, so that they can see how their pet time has eaten into the meeting, and separately I’d tell them it’s a cute cat but in the last month that’s around X Hours the business paid for spent looking at a cat #staff x 5mins x meetings – X IE ten staff in a weekly meeting = almost three and a half hours. That’s around 160 a year. Or… “Hey boss, youv’e got a cute cat, but can we just go with “Hello cutie!” and then start the meetings? I don’t dislike your cat, but I do dislike having meetings that could be shorter taking up space in the ol’ calendar?” 14. Being glutened at work “I appreciate the effort you’ve gone to. It is not necessary as I will not deviate from my medical instructions, please get whatever food and snacks you and others will enjoy. I don’t feel left out.” and if that doesn’t work “Hey can I talk to you quietly? I’m only going to say this once, and I’m sorry. If I eat something *slightly* contaminated with gluten I should shit blood. So I’m gonna need to you stop, it’s really not you being thoughtful at this point it’s just you ignoring my medical condition. Sorry. Really. But, yeah.” 6. Etiquette around gifted baked goods If it’s on their own plate, yeah don’t take that home. Or ask them first anyway. I’d always assume, unles it’s explicitly stated “Take this home and enjoy it for dessert” that a cake is for the office. And I’d leave it in the fridge for the next day. I’d tell them if there’s no time for cake today, or I’m out of the office before lunch for a week, find out how they want me to take/share it. I’d assume it is for my *birthday* not *my gift* 5. Badgers in the office It is the responsibility of the company to *find the correct business* to do the task. So I’d look online for a business that will manage badgers, ask the office manager when the badgers are being dealt with, if they respond with “exterminators” I’d provide them with the information for the correct business type because we simply cannot continue with wildlife in the office and if the exterminators don’t offer this service an alternative is clearly needed. 4. Gossip or fair game? They could be getting a passport or refinancing their mortgage! If you engage in GOSSIP THEY ARE JOB HUNTING from such a tenuous connection, I’d be prepared to get a bloody stern talking to about making shit up, on top of gossip at work anyway. Shit-stirring is never going to be looked upon fondly. :| 2. Who pays? Just always assume you might buy your own and be ready to offer. If you invite, make it clear you are paying if that’s not really weird where you live – I’m in Brisbane so adding “my shout” is very common.
Figaro* August 29, 2024 at 5:55 am “OK and how much time did you spend making the tally of all the cat hours?” is potentially a response you might get on that one. If the boss enjoy sharing and most people like seeing the cat, I would assume it’s been factored in and it would come off a little intense to make a whole calculation of cat time wasted. But if it means the meeting agenda isn’t completed and bits are cut off, or you regularly overrun, you could raise *that.* (If that doesn’t happen, I’m not sure it matters much.)
General von Klinkerhoffen* August 29, 2024 at 7:48 am I agree with you on 6 (birthday cake). It’s a gift, sure, but primarily for the team in your honour. As in, hey it’s Wakeen’s birthday, we *all* get an excuse to eat cake! The birthday person definitely has first dibs on a slice to take home for their kissmate or whatever, but when there’s a significant amount leftover I think it’s assumed that everyone at work has another opportunity to eat cake before it disappears. That said, I’m in the UK where birthday cake culture is very different and it’s typically the responsibility of the birthday-person to bring in treats to share “with the whole class”.
Bereavement Bear* August 28, 2024 at 10:23 pm Re: #4, I just made a copy of my drivers license at work… because my mom passed away last month and I needed to email a copy of it to the water company in her town so that I could start paying the water bill at her house. I 100% know that supervisors would be fine with me using the copier for this particular very brief personal task. It never occurred to me that it might make co-workers think I was leaving! But the ones who that might directly affect already know that I’m dealing with matters related to my mother’s estate right now.
Sara without an H* August 28, 2024 at 11:21 pm Re #37: Habits of a Bookworm — I, too, mostly read online these days. But there are a few books I’ve decided I want in the dead-tree version. I order these from my local indie bookstore. And I’ve found that few things are more relaxing than lying in bed with a nice book and a glass of sherry. And so to bed…
yvve* August 28, 2024 at 11:57 pm 71: I’m always so curious about the letters that include some variation of “I talked to the person but it didn’t work”, with no further information. Like, what happened, specifically, when you talked to them? Did they agree but then ignore it? Especially in the cases where the person making the request is actually the boss (not this letter, but others like it have come up). Did you just ask once and then not follow up?
Tormented Artichoke* August 29, 2024 at 2:00 am Recruiter question: It happens – even if the recruiter has done their research, any of the following can happen: – the team has interviewed a few candidates/already made a hire (in cases where they are hiring more than one person for the same role)/ reassessed their own needs internally and has come to the conclusion that they need to make a more senior hire to balance out the team – you have the right amount of experience on paper but when they dug into what exactly you did, you didn’t have the deep skillset they hoped you might have or you haven’t been through some of the situations the ideal candidate would have been through – someone else came along and was better (sounds harsh, but isn’t meant to be – someone is ALWAYS better – they have more relevant experience or experience in a more relevant industry or … etc) – for whatever reason, you weren’t a fit and they leaned on “experience” as the reason Hang in there, keep applying. You’ll find the right fit!
OwnedByCats* August 29, 2024 at 3:25 am I am really interested in what academic conferences LW 16 attended, because in my 20+ years in social sciences, I’d be hard pressed to think of a conference that WASN’T field-specific. Political Science. Economics. History. Not only do they have national conferences, at least in the US a number of them have regional conferences! The Midwest Politicial Science Association. etc etc etc. The handful of exceptions to extremely-field-specific I can think of in my broad academic area are things that are geographic and/or multidiscipinary. African Studies, International Development, Global Health and such.
Figaro* August 29, 2024 at 4:27 am Re sorry/thanks, I will often do both. – Apologise – Brief explanation/context (not an excuse but so they know it isn’t about you not valuing their time) – Thanks “Sorry for the delay, my last meeting ran over and it was with CEO (or top client/whatever is true], so I couldn’t just drop out. Thanks for waiting.”
Cats Ate My Croissant* August 29, 2024 at 5:37 am Acronym: BISCUIT Boss is sucky, change unlikely. Interview time!
Forrest Rhodes* August 29, 2024 at 12:17 pm Oh, nicely done, Cat! (By the way, here’s another croissant—good luck!)
Scooter34* August 29, 2024 at 6:52 am LW#1 – ask about how employee repayment of loan is handled. In my job, the employer paid the loan off and if I leave before the end of my service commitment I have to repay them – but a payment plan is arranged and there isn’t the crippling interest. Sometimes just knowing the path to freedom helps
Audrey Puffins* August 29, 2024 at 7:38 am #14 – the polite way to say that is those precise words, but in a gentle tone of voice and maybe with an apologetic smile. I appreciate there are workplaces where it couldn’t fly, but I’m sure you’re more aware than I am that being euphemistic just leads to misunderstandings, so be nice about it but take the ambiguity out of it!
lovetoreadallthebooks* August 29, 2024 at 8:08 am Re: Number 72. I was that employee that was yelled at on the retail sales floor by their manager. What Allison said was correct. In the instance that I am thinking of (as there was more than 1), a customer came up to me afterwards and gave me some encouragement. She told me that no one deserves to be spoken to like that–ever, especially, in public. This was the wake-up call I needed. I realized that my manager’s behavior was unacceptable and I wasn’t going to tolerate it. I reported him to HR shortly thereafter. I was transferred to a new location, while he was able to keep his job (they created the monster that he was). I’m so happy I got out of that place!
Crencestre* August 29, 2024 at 2:28 pm Good for you! Sorry that no passing customer filmed and recorded your manager’s behavior and then informed him that they were posting that online ASAP, but I’m glad you got out of there and into a job where bananapants are not included in the company dress code!
Bill and Heather's Excellent Adventure* August 29, 2024 at 8:10 am 61. I live and work in Europe, never heard of trading sick days but I have heard of trading annual leave/PTO. The “trading sick leave for homecooked meals” sounds weird and I do wonder if that was even legal?! 52. How would a responsible adult even accidentally drop an egg from that height? Sorry, I don’t buy it. Bill needs to be watched. I highly doubt Mary is his first target, this is just so egregious that he actually got caught.
Bill and Heather's Excellent Adventure* August 29, 2024 at 8:18 am That should be Bob not Bill, ah my kingdom for an edit button.
Toot Sweet* August 29, 2024 at 8:19 am LW #1: If this is the NHSC LRP, you do have options. It’s not uncommon for someone to switch to another approved site to stay in the program. One way to look for alternative sites is to search the Health Workforce Connector (https://connector.hrsa.gov/connector/search). Another is HPSA Find (https://data.hrsa.gov/tools/shortage-area/hpsa-find), which you can use to search by state and county and then check the HPSA scores of those sites for your specific discipline (primary care, dental care, mental health care). You have a pretty good chance of getting funds if the score is over 12, but the higher the better, of course.
Badatnames* August 29, 2024 at 9:15 am I always pay when someone asks me for a networking coffee or informational interview. I see that in a way the coffee is repaying me for my time but it feels so wrong as a senior person to expect someone earlier in their career to pay when I can probably afford it better (being employed and all). Should I get over my guilt or is this one of those politeness conventions where the person seeking the meeting has to offer but the senior person should know to pay anyways?
Angstrom* August 29, 2024 at 9:53 am I think the latter — it’s a convention. The person extending the invitation should offer to pay as acknowledgement of the value of your time, and the senior person should pay without making a big deal of it because they can easily do so.
LovelyAardvark* August 29, 2024 at 12:24 pm Weird offboarding experience. I had a psycho manager at a federal job. She was angry her team was all quitting (because both her and the job were banana pants) and when I have my notice she was either non communicative or hostile when we did talk. A couple days before my last day she sent an office wide email directed to me to clean out my desk and transfer assignments. She did her best to make it look like I was being fired. It was nuts. I replied with my own cheerful “on it!” and bid farewell to the office letting them know my last day and job title at my new local government position.
Jaunty Banana Hat I* August 29, 2024 at 12:43 pm #14, if they keep pushing, honestly, just return the awkward to them and say the “if you are wrong I will be pooping blood in an hour” part. I bet they will leave you alone after that.
Orora* August 29, 2024 at 1:35 pm #50. Not a musical number, but I did write a poem about a manager’s stinky feet. It was called “Socks in Crocs”. I also rewrote a What to Do in an Active Shooter Situation guide to a “What to Do in an Active *Person’s Name* Situation” guide about annoyingly persistent and arrogant co-worker. My favorite part was the How to Respond Before Reinforcements Arrive: Remain calm and follow instructions Raise hand and extend middle finger Keep middle finger visible at all times Do not stop to ask other staff for help or direction when evacuating. Just RUN, for the love of god, RUN!!!
Lizzay* August 29, 2024 at 1:38 pm Oooh re #70 – I had someone I thought was always clipping their nails, too! When I finally turned around to give them a look (honestly, after weeks) I realized she was using one of those clicky pens that has multiple colors & just (evidently) really liked switching pen colors.
Katherine* August 29, 2024 at 1:58 pm Well, as a Sound of Music lover, I’m now going through the lyrics deciding if Maria might have a claim for hostile work environment. In the movie, she runs in toward the end of the song- WHO KNOWS how much she heard? Other than a rude implication that she is fat, I’m not getting much. They seem to be BEC complaints at best (why do they care if she scrapes her knee?!) and some don’t even seem particularly insulting – I would love to be able to throw a whirling dervish out of whirl!
NetNrrd* August 29, 2024 at 4:40 pm Re ’32. “Please advise”’ I occasionally use this phrase, and it is almost entirely always when I am annoyed and can’t actually tell people to get stuffed or ask what the heck their problem is. So, something like “Regarding your request for teapot delivery on Friday: Per our posted policies and as you were informed in the email dated [date], our teapot delivery is only done on Tuesdays. Please advise.”
Raven Mistress* August 29, 2024 at 10:45 pm 9. It’s almost impossible to guarantee that clients/patients will NEVER see those “I don’t wanna be here!” posters so it’s best not to have them at work. When we’re in need of medical or social services, we’re very often on our last nerve, very sensitive to any “vibe” that’s even slightly negative. A blunt statement that this clinician or social services professional doesn’t want to be there can feel like “they don’t want to help me!”, even if that’s NOT what was meant at all. You do NOT want your company to become known as a place that’s client-unfriendly, so just skip the “take this job and shove it!” themed posters.
BofaOnTheSofa* August 29, 2024 at 11:12 pm Question #14- Gluten Foods- Because of a nut allergy, my dh just avoids all desserts not made at our house. Some people give him grief, but he says (honestly) “I’ve accidentally been poisoned by my allergy so many times (haha) that I can’t even enjoy desserts anymore unless I make them. They don’t even taste good to me. They just taste suspicious.” People usually laugh at that last line and are understanding. It puts the problem on *him* (food tastes wrong) not the food provider/baker. (I was surprised at how many people when asked “Is there nuts in this?” Will say no, only to remember AFTER the fact there are. Or they’ll say no- except for walnuts. You, with your food experience, probably aren’t surprised.)
BofaOnTheSofa* August 29, 2024 at 11:14 pm You could switch it to “I can’t enjoy food unless I buy it or make it.”
H.C.* August 30, 2024 at 12:28 pm #61 – huh, I never thought that sick leave donation (which is allowed my in local gov’t employer but only after the employee needing donations has exhausted all other paid leaves) can have this unintended effect of trading hours for gifts & favors.
T'Cael Zaanidor Kilyle* August 30, 2024 at 2:37 pm #50: Though this wasn’t a workplace thing, I immediately flashed to that episode of “Coupling” where Sally gets drunk and performs “Susan, the Happy Trotting Elf” for everyone.