can I secretly book time off for my partner to take her on a surprise trip?

by Alison Green on August 27, 2024

A reader writes:

I’m looking to book a birthday getaway for myself and my partner in the next few months. It is nothing extreme, just a long weekend away that might require a Friday and a Monday off. I’d like to keep it a surprise until the week of the getaway. Would it be inappropriate to reach out to my partner’s line manager (who I do not know but do have an email for) to ask her to pre-approve the necessary leave for her? Alternatively, I could reach out to her colleague (who I do know), who would then ask the manager on my behalf.

I don’t wish to overstep any boundaries by doing this, so I just wanted to check it was an acceptable thing to do.

As a manager, this kind of request from a partner (or from a coworker acting on the partner’s request) would make me really uncomfortable. Here’s why:

* I don’t know if my employee wants to spend her time off that way. She could be saving it up for something else later in the year and I’m not comfortable overriding that decision for her.

* In a lot of jobs, planning for time off involves real planning, not just lining up someone to cover for you — for example, finishing a draft early since you won’t be here to finish it later in the week, getting a colleague the numbers they’re waiting on, moving meetings around, or even just knowing not to tell a client you’ll call them that day. Keeping it secret means none of that work can happen, or someone will have to manipulate the situation to devise reasons for why those things need to happen.

* I don’t know what the state of your relationship is. It’s probably fine, but what if your partner doesn’t actually want to take a trip together right now? What if you’ve been bugging them to take this trip with you and they’ve been using work as an excuse not to, and won’t be thrilled to discover you’ve circumvented that without their okay (while docking their accrued vacation at the same time)? Again, this probably isn’t the case but I don’t know and it’s not my business.

Ultimately I just don’t have any business deciding whether or not one of my employees will want days off that they don’t even know are being requested.

There’s another way to do this though! Can you instead ask your partner to take those days off for a surprise you’re planning, without explaining the details? Yes, it’ll give a little bit of it away, but it’s a better way to do it when someone else’s job is involved.

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{ 410 comments }

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    1. Lea*

      Where I work we enter it ourselves into a system that get approved yadayada no don’t do this.

      And yes I also get work done early/brief team members before leave so it’s just bad practice

      Also a ‘take off Friday I want to take you on a surprise trip’ is enough. Anything else would be TOO much surprise for me.

    2. StressedButOkay*

      As a manager, I could not accept that request at all and nicely, but firmly, tell the partner that the only person who can put in official PTO requests are employees. I get really wanting to surprise your partner but there’s only so much you can do when it comes to their work and their PTO – that’s on them.

      2. just some guy*

        There are some cases where it’s appropriate, but none of them look like the OP’s situation.

        If an employee is sick/injured and needs extended time off, I may need to file and approve a PTO request on their behalf. For short absences they’d just put in the leave request on their return. But if they’re going to be away for weeks, it may be necessary to put that leave through before they get back.

        And if an employee has built up more leave than org policy permits, they may (as a last resort after other approaches have failed) be placed on PTO as a way of managing the situation. I’ve never witnessed this actually happening but there’s provision for it.

        But “please create PTO for my partner without their knowledge so I can surprise them” falls in the same category as “please let me withdraw money from my partner’s account so I can buy them a nice holiday”.

    4. OMG! Bees!*

      Even just saying to their partner “Please request these 2 days off for a surprise” is fine! Doesn’t give it away and maybe now she has something positive to look forward to. Besides, if it is a trip somewhere, she would need to pack and prepare for it, so some element of the surprise would be told then

      1. Venus*

        Or find a different reason. “I have an appointment and really want company, could you take that day off?”

    5. amoeba*

      I mean, authorise, of course not. (For us it’s the same – we put it in the system ourselves, I doubt I could even put it in for my employee if I wanted to!)

      However, as a bit of a compromise, as a boss, for me it would be OK if somebody asked me if I could keep in mind that my report would be requesting time off for these days on a bit of a short notice (so, in the same week). More like a pre-warning and the employee will do the actual requesting before she leaves. My report’s friend has actually done that with me and it was fine! (I mean, taking the time off on short notice would have been fine either way, but they didn’t know…)

    1. CityMouse*

      +1. I’m also personally keeping a PTO tally so I know I can take off for holidays. Springing time off on me would stress me out for my own deadlines and because I’m tracking my vacation days.

      Don’t do it, LW.

      1. londonedit*

        Yeah, definitely. I know in my own head how many days’ holiday I have left, what I’m planning to use for Christmas, the fact that I’m planning to carry over five days to use next year, etc etc. If someone swooped in and booked a week’s holiday for me, even with the best intentions, that would totally ruin my Christmas plans at this point.

      2. CityMouse*

        I should note I’m also a flex worker, so when I take a Friday off, sometimes I flex it so I don’t have to use PTO. But that works best if I spread out the extra hours over the biweek.

      3. Justme, The OG*

        I earn a lot of PTO and often have to struggle to use my hours so I don’t lose them. I would still be mad if someone did it without my permission.

      4. ferrina*

        Yep. My work deadlines can be really tight, and days make a difference. I know what I’m going to work on each day. If I suddenly don’t have 16 hours I thought I would have, I would be frantic. I would be desperately trying to get my work out and be too stressed to enjoy the surprise trip.

    2. Escapee from Corporate Management*

      I agree. I don’t pry into my employees’ private lives, so I would have no idea if this were a real request or not. I’d have to focus on the safety of my employee.

      1. Cj*

        I’m not sure what you mean by whether it’s a real request or not, and what that has to do with your employees safety. if it’s not a request from their actual partner, and / or your employee doesn’t want to go, then they just don’t go. how is that endangering them?

        you also don’t need to pry into your employee’s lives to know something about their partner. many people talk about their partner at work, have pictures of them at work, bring them to the company Christmas party or picnic, etc.

        1. jasmine*

          if it’s a domestic violence situation, the partner doing harm could put in a request to control the employee or otherwise hold them hostage. or an ex could be planning on kidnapping them and this way, no one at work will ask questions when they don’t show up. I believe that’s what Escapee is referring to

          that being said, whether its a relationship red flag to request PTO for your partner is going to depend on the people and the relationship (to be clear, its still a bad idea from a work perspective, but it doesn’t mean someone’s automatically a bad partner)

          1. Escapee from Corporate Management*

            Exactly, Jasmine. I’ve been in big organizations with employees who have DV problems. You never know what’s going on in someone’s life.

        2. Irish Teacher.*

          I’m no expert, but my concern would be some kind of manipulation. I hadn’t thought of the kind of situations jasmine mentions, but if I were a manager and received such a request, I would be afraid there was something like a situation where my employee didn’t want to go to something or somewhere their partner wanted to and had said he or she had to work so their partner went behind their back and arranged the time off and then did, “surprise! Now you have no excuse for avoiding this.”

          And just not going might not always be an option if there is manipulation or coercion involved. I could imagine a situation where somebody felt unsafe saying no to their partner, but thought “my boss won’t give me the time off” gave them an “out” where their partner was less likely to blame them.

          And honestly, somebody talking about their partner, bringing pictures of them, etc doesn’t necessarily tell you all that much. A person who is being abused or otherwise treated badly by their partner will often cover it up.

          I mean, I wouldn’t assume this the most likely scenario. I would think the most likely scenario is just a partner planning a cool surprise, but it does put the manager in a bit of an awkward position as they don’t know for sure and they have to choose between most likely ruining the fun surprise or risking the possibility that they are helping a manipulator or abuser to coerce the other person.

          1. Azure Jane Lunatic*

            I just read a horrifying advice column narrative about a vegan who went on a family retreat (more than an hour round trip to the closest grocery store) with a partner and their family, including children. Who promptly raided her backpack and ate all the food she was relying on, and then the entire family made a game of eating any food she was planning to eat.

            I sincerely hope she never goes on a trip with these people again, and I would believe an “oh, I really can’t get away from work” would be in her arsenal until she finally manages to ditch the boyfriend.

    3. AppleEditor*

      Letter-writer here. I 100% appreciate that point of view – I think there’s enough trust there that my partner would not think of it that way.

      2. Nesprin*

        You could just as easily make the destination a surprise, not the whole trip.
        Tell your partner that you want to take her on a trip for her birthday, and ask if she could take off Thursday- Monday.
        That way she gets a surprise and the ability to manage her career without you interfering.

      3. Ellie*

        I completely trust my husband, but I would still be annoyed with him if he contacted my boss directly and requested time off for me. It would make me feel like a child who wasn’t being allowed to manage their own career. But honestly, I would not appreciate a last minute surprise trip either. When I go on a trip, I like to have all my favourite clothes washed and ready to go, I like to select a good book for the journey, and I usually have weekend plans that I’d be annoyed to have to rearrange at the last minute (even if those ‘plans’ are just picking up my medication, sorting out my kitchen pantry, and going to the gym). I’d be annoyed that I hadn’t had time to make alternate arrangements for those things, so you really need to know your partner before planning something like this.

        1. Freya*

          This. Even if my boss said yes, which she wouldn’t, I’d want to wear my favourite undies on the trip and have enough spare clean clothes so that I can skip doing the washing while I’m away without going short during the week of work following. And one of my medications cannot be picked up from pharmacies out of state, so if I run short, I am SCREWED!

      4. a clockwork lemon*

        I love birthdays and surprises, but it would be such an outrageous overstep for my husband to even THINK about contacting my employer for any reason other than a medical emergency that I would be seriously re-evaluating our ten year relationship. It’s not about trust, it’s about understanding and respecting professional norms and your partner’s sphere of autonomy outside the confines of your relationship.

    4. Slothallama*

      I know a time when it worked – but it was VERY specific, the couple both worked at the same hospital, her whole small department was involved in planning coverage, and she’s a nurse so no ongoing work/meetings that needed to be worried about. It was for her birthday, he took her to Aruba and even packed for her. Not the first surprise thing he’d done (there was a party in their basement, everyone arrived while she was out of the house and then he said “I think there’s a leak down here”) so he knew she liked surprises, and travel, and that the time off would work, and her boss and team members did too. So, not a red flag for everyone.

      1. ferrina*

        I think consent to surprises is very needed. If someone says “I like surprises and authorize my partner to request time off for me” (or less formal words to that effect), then it could be fine.

        But most managers don’t have that kind of information about their employees. And in the absence of information, a manager can’t give away an employee’s benefit (i.e., PTO) without that employee’s explicit consent.

    5. Serin*

      Yes, me too. It’s been a little weird to see how low-key a lot of other comments are — “Oh, hey, that wouldn’t work very well.” Because I read the question and my shoulders went up around my ears.

      My position is that my spouse doesn’t and shouldn’t have a relationship with my boss. Nor with my landlord or my credit union or my doctor. He shouldn’t have any contact with them outside emergencies, unless I specifically ask him like, “Hey, could you call Peggy and tell her I’ve been in a fender-bender and won’t be in this morning?”

      3. RagingADHD*

        So you’re planning to never live with your spouse? Or do they live there but are not allowed to call for routine maintenance?

      4. Doves*

        …why would your spouse not have a relationship with your *landlord* assuming you 2 live together??? Or your credit union assuming there are joint accounts???
        As far as the doctor: okay yeah but also—has your spouse never had to accompany you to the doctor for any reason? Lucky you (Im not being sarcastic. I have older parents and one of them is having health flare ups that have involved ER visits, numerous testing, urgent care visits, etc. I work full time at a relatively new job so who is physically taking her to these appointments? My dad, aka her spouse. Yes HIPAA is still a thing but the office staff are starting to recognize my parents by face and name, including my dad. That’s just how humans are. It’s called being normal).

        You and your spouse do you but like, this is a super weird take TBH.

    6. The Provisional Republic of A Thousand Eggs*

      That was my first thought too. “Pamphlets about domestic violence will start mysteriously appearing in Partner’s bag/backpack/etc.”.

  3. New laptop, who dis*

    Thank you for this thoughtful response, Alison! It covers a lot of things that people that love to throw surprises don’t always seem to take into consideration. I know that if I were unexpectedly out of work for two days, I’d probably be stressed out about loose ends I’d left hanging and deadlines I’d be missing.

  5. Cthulhu's Librarian*

    As a manager, I’d be pulling your partner aside for a conversation about how weird and unprofessional it was to field a request like this.

    Your surprise wouldn’t be one if you did this.

    1. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

      Why would you be telling the partner instead of the person who committed the offense? Unfair to blame the employee.

      1. Pastor Petty Labelle*

        Not blaming, let them know that it could reflect them and they need to talk to their partner. I would talk to my employee too to make sure they understand business norms.

        1. Escapee from Corporate Management*

          Totally agree. If this were my spouse/partner/bf/gf, I’d want to know. It’s definitely a violation of professional norms—by the partner, not the employee—and I wouldn’t want the partner to further put the employee’s professional reputation at risk.

      2. jasmine*

        +1

        Be firm with the person making the request, but it’s not fair for the employee to be seen as unprofessional for something they weren’t involved in

        1. Bossy*

          That’s for sure, needing to now “speak to them about business norms” is an over reach based on what someone else is doing. Sheesh

      3. Cthulhu’s Librarian*

        Hrm… looking at how other people have reacted here, it seems pretty clear I did not communicate well. That’s on me for responding quickly instead of thoroughly.

        The conversation with my employee is not about blame; it’s not a “you’re bad and unprofessional because this happened” conversation. It’s a “hey, your partner called trying to schedule time off for you (because reason, if I know it). I rejected it, because your PTO requests need to come from you – if you would like to resubmit for that time, it will be given full consideration. I wanted to flag this event to you because it’s weird, and is really outside the bounds of professional norms and workplace expectations. Generally, you should be the only one discussing your employment with your employer, regardless of whether that is here or elsewhere in the future. If you do want to take that day off, the system for submitting PTO requests is…”

        It’s not about penalizing the employee for being unprofessional – it’s about helping them and their family to recognize what expected norms within a professional setting are. I may be slightly biased in this, but I work with and supervise a lot of people who are either young, new to the workforce (or returning from a long absence), or otherwise come from socioeconomic backgrounds that often means they are unfamiliar with the unspoken ‘rules’ that are expected within a professional environment. Explicitly highlighting when they (or someone close to them) has crossed a boundary is about helping them to be aware of it, rather than just assuming they’ll somehow magically know this thing.

        As to why am I telling my employee instead of the person who called me? The answer is that it’s not an instead of, but rather an in addition to thing… and I’m talking with my employee to make sure the expectations are clearly communicated, and also to have a check-in about whether something in our workplace has made that employee feel uncomfortable requesting time off directly. Sometimes it turns out things have – maybe no one else handles their responsibilities while they’re away, and they’re coming back to a swamp, or maybe they don’t really understand the policies about when they can have time off (especially common for employees who are within their first year of employment). Maybe they’ve heard scuttlebutt about other employees getting denied, or otherwise been misled by their compatriots (I remember an employee who was convinced they couldn’t ask for time off around Christmas, because one of their team members was saying “December is a blackout month, you can’t make requests.” In reality, that team member had been told to pick between either time off at Christmas or time off at Thanksgiving, so other people on the team could have the other).

        Hope that makes more sense.

        1. Shiny Penny*

          Cthulhu’s Librarian, you sound like a great manager! More information, presented kindly and factually, is such a great way to work on leveling the playing field.

      4. Ellie*

        I’d tell them in case they were in a domestic violence situation, were looking for a way out, and would benefit from knowing that their partner was planning this surprise trip.

        Better safe than sorry.

    2. Observer*

      I’d be pulling your partner aside for a conversation about how weird and unprofessional it was to field a request like this.

      Unprofessional? Why is that the employee’s issue?

      Now, if you pulled them aside and just *tell* them about it I would agree with you. *If* your employee acted like this request was reasonable, *then* you could talk about professionalism. But unless the employee reacts by supporting the request, you simply cannot lay the unprofessional bit on them.

      1. Tesuji*

        They chose a partner with poor judgement. That’s going to affect how I view their judgement.

        The idea that your partner (or ex-partner) is an independent actor whose actions don’t reflect on you isn’t how the real world works. I’m having to spend time and mental energy dealing with them because of your life choices. You might not be the primary actor in this situation, but of everyone within the company, you’re the only one with a non-zero amount of responsibility for this.

        It’s not a *big* deal. It’s not something I’d expect there to be any meaningful consequences about, but yeah, I’m at least going to have a conversation with the employee to make sure they’re aware of the partner’s contact and it’s not a completely zero-impact event in terms of how I’m going to view their judgement.

        1. ferrina*

          I agree with this. I wouldn’t be harsh to the employee, but the employee needs to know how this reflects back on them.

          One weird partner interaction isn’t a red flag; if there are multiple weird interactions, that’s going to start impacting the employee’s reputation. There was an interesting letter on a job candidate whose partner had unprofessional behavior and how that impacted them (from the perspective of the hiring manager). I’ll put a link in reply to this comment.

        2. Specks*

          Wow. I really hope you reassess this viewpoint if you continue to manage people. People have partners that are abusive and controlling, partners that developed addictions and mental health issues, etc. On a less serious note, they might just have a partner with a very different cultural background or even just a very different professional background. It’s so privileged, ignorant, and narrow-minded to say someone “chose a partner with poor judgement”.

          Now, if you just said — hey, this isn’t a business norm, your partner is undermining you here, and I wanted you to know, and put it out of your head, I’d be completely on board. But to penalize someone for their personal life and their partners background or health, even if that penalty is just downgrading their judgement in your head, does not say good things about you. It tells me that you personally have led a very narrow, privileged life and can’t imagine anyone from a different background not having the same information/resources or making different choices from yourself, and that’s scary (if not surprising) to see in a manager.

          2. justcommenting*

            I don’t quite agree with Cthulhu’s Librarian or Tesuji, but I see where they’re coming from. It’s not necessarily fair, but it is reasonable that people make associations based on interactions with someone else’s partner, especially if there’s very little interpersonal context for the main conduit involved beyond polite professionalism. Obviously in a general sense, just because a coworker or boss thinks your partner is acting poorly means they are always correct, and little weird bumps can be offset by someone being a good employee, but little things can stick in people’s heads, even if they’re out of their control.

          3. umami*

            Exactly. So you tell the employee their partner’s actions were unprofessional and … then what? They are somehow going to be able to control what their partner does because you told them that? I’m not sure how that even works. We can’t control how other people think and act, and our professional judgment shouldn’t be questioned over it.

            1. Allonge*

              In a healthy relationship you can ask your partner never ever to contact your boss about holidays again. It’s not control – this is a significant other. (If it is control / abusive, that is a different discussion of course).

          4. Tesuji*

            I find it bizarre how many comments seem to be coming from a point that either someone is completely at fault or perfectly innocent (and that consequences are always a really big deal).

            If your boss needs to expend time and mental energy because of who you’ve chosen to be in a relationship with, that’s not a good thing.

            It might not be a big deal. It might only be a very minor matter that’s outweighed by how great an employee you are. There are lots of detriments that are only the tiniest of detriments. It is, however, a detriment.

            I’m getting paid to manage you. I’m not getting paid to manage your partner. If your complicated relationship means that I need to manage your partner, then yeah, it might be a big deal, but it’s going to be a negative.

            Your partner is in my life because you made them your partner. That means you’re the cause of this slight negative. The idea that reality is anything other than this is just wild to me.

            1. EmoZebra*

              +100

              It is unprofessional. You / Scripted Librarian did not say you’d bring discipline action on the employee – just let them know that it happened and this reflects poorly on you and is unprofessional in the workplace. They have a right to know. Some of these replies act like you are saying to fire the employee for it!

            2. Ask a Manager* Post author

              Employees are humans and, as such, there will be a zillion imperfect things about them, many/most of which don’t require addressing or caring all that much about. People’s partners shouldn’t call their bosses to try to book time off for them, for all the reasons discussed in the post. But it would be odd to make it a bigger deal than that.

            3. New Jack Karyn*

              What’s wild to me is that one misstep from a partner means that your employee is in a ‘complicated relationship’, and that you would hold it against them.

              That in itself is a misstep, and you might want to rethink how you approach people whom you manage.

        3. RawHide*

          Oh this is SUCH an exaggeration! The partner is trying to plan a surprise trip, not drinking and driving. Acting as if his foolhardy but ultimately harmless plan is akin to something actually dangerous is ridiculous. I’m sure once the LW sees the response they’ll think “Oh yeah that makes sense my bad.”

        4. MaxPower*

          EVERY SINGLE PERSON’S partner displays poor judgement at times. If you’re going to judge a person for having a partner who is fully human and who at times makes an error in judgement, and hold it against them professionally… wow.

          Asking a partner’s boss for PTO is a misstep, sure, but on the grand scheme of missteps, it’s pretty damn mild.

        5. nikkole82*

          I am actually floored by this (although I have first-hand knowledge that more people think like this than not), but we can’t hold people accountable for the actions of people in their life. Yes, this is a misguided attempt by OP, however I believe that they have the best of intentions in doing so and they did ask for feedback about it.

          This is low stakes, but what if it was a situation where it wasn’t? and people ask me why I didn’t do better or choose better with my marriage, but at the time I was going with the knowledge that I had. God knows if I knew what would have become of my life, I would’ve chosen better and I wouldn’t be here dealing with the fallout on a daily basis but unfortunately this is my reality and if I can accept it then other people should be able to afford a little grace.

          Alas, that is the way of the world where an innocent person gets flagellated for another person’s actions, I guess.

        6. jasmine*

          Yeah that’s an insane take. It may not be how “the real world” works, but I expect for work to work that way. Who I choose as a partner, whether that was a good or bad choice, is not my employer’s business.

          And for outside of work, I do expect people to maybe check themselves when it’s pointed out to them that they are judging someone based on their partner, instead of doubling down.

          1. jasmine*

            Not to mention, you know very little about the partner or the relationship as someone from work

        7. Irish Teacher.*

          I think it is true that your partner’s actions can reflect on you but I think that is mostly because people…well, can be somewhat prejudiced (I’m not sure that’s quite the right word but people tend to generalise). It is especially ridiculous if people judge others by their ex-partners because…well, they split up with them quite likely for a reason, which indicates they don’t support any poor behaviour from the ex.

          People do judge others by family members. We saw an extreme case of that in the letter about…was it a colleague of the LW’s? who thought somebody should be fired because she had some ancestor who was a Nazi. I don’t think it’s even because of choices, as people also judge others by their siblings, parents, etc, who they don’t choose. I think it’s more just a “guilty by association” thing.

          In this case, I think it’s even more tenuous, since the mistake the LW would be making isn’t…really the sort of thing that would rule them out as a partner for reasonable people. I’m pretty sure everybody who has a partner has chosen a partner who has poor judgement sometimes because we all do. I wouldn’t even think this indicates that the LW has poor judgement in general, let alone that their partner does.

        8. Solution*

          So as a manager, I’d handle this by asking the employee!

          Not to complain that it’s weird, ir unprofessional but to ask ‘your partner has approached me to authorise two surprise days off for you.

          Do you want to take them?’

          I’d then tell the employee to _act surprised_.

          That covers all the bases.

          Partner gets to spring their surprise; employer gets to decide if they want it; problem solved.

      2. Cthulhu’s Librarian*

        Agreed. Unprofessional in my first comment was meant to mean “not within keeping of workplace/professional norms” not “you’re a bad person”

        The point of the conversation is to explain what norms are, and make sure there’s not something happening on my team that made the employee feel unable to make the request themselves (leading to a family member/significant other trying to step in because of that).

        1. t*

          But why would you have any reason to think that the employee (who did not know about this action or condone it) doesn’t already know that? It’s unreasonably biased.

          1. Allonge*

            Because we are all born knowing like four things (which includes breathing). Stands to reason some people will learn some stuff later than others.

            Also, half the answers here usually are about ‘are you really sure your employee knows that they need to work their full shift, have you TOLD them?’ This is that conversation, just to be sure everyone is on the same page.

    3. Figaro*

      They chose a partner who doesn’t understand certain workplace norms (in an important but ultimately fairly low stakes way). That does not reflect badly on the employee. “Strong understanding of professional norms” isn’t everyone’s top criteria when choosing a romantic partner, you know.

  6. Nonsense*

    Surprise vacations only work in scripted television and movies. Tell your partner you want to take a vacation with her and you were looking at XYZ dates.

    And for the love of God, if you’re old enough to plan a vacation with a partner, you’re old enough to know you shouldn’t reach out to their manager unless it’s an emergency. At best you’ll get labeled as boundary challenged. At worst people will start your partner for signs of abuse. Don’t do it.

    1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      +100

      The “surprise” in a surprise vacation isn’t the fact of the vacation itself. It’s (some of) the things you DO on the vacation.

    2. Madame Desmortes*

      Thank you. “Wow, that sure comes off as scarily controlling” ran through my head immediately.

    3. Two-Faced Big-Haired Food Critic*

      I’m wondering if, on some level, the LW believes that people in general think of work as some kind of necessary torment that they would give anything to be able to escape. Like “You get to take off work!” is a gift in itself.

      1. metadata minion*

        They may think their partner views work as a torment because their partner has said so.

    4. MistOrMister*

      “Surprise vacations only work in scripted television and movies.” – this is exactly what I was thinking as I read the letter!! Many people have enough stuff going on that they can’t just drop everything and go. Maybe OP’s gf would enjoy a surprise trip, but I would hate it! I want to know when my time off is so I can clear my work beforehand and have minimal backlog when I get back. But even if the gf would enjoy this sort of surprise, boy would it look weird as all get out to go to the manager and I cannot imagine any manager worth their job actually approving leave based on a request from a romantic partner without clearing it with the employee. I would be changing jobs as soon as possible if my manager did that.

      1. 1-800-BrownCow*

        Same here! Any time I’ve seen this happen in tv or movies, my first thought it “I would hate it if someone did that to me!” If I need to take just 1 day off of work, I need to prepare.

        I did once planned a surprise trip for my family (myself, husband and 3 kids), however everyone knew we were going on a trip, when we were going, and for how long. The surprise part was the final destination and the extra fun surprise was our accommodations. No one guessed the destination and even better was when we arrived and my kids saw we were staying a in a big treehouse for our long weekend getaway. It all was a really fun surprise even though they knew ahead of time we were going on some sort of trip.

        So, LW, trust me when I saw, you can still make it a fun surprise, just please, let your partner know ahead of time so they can prepare.

    5. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      Not true! I know someone who did this for her sister. But she knew the sister’s boss already, so it was not super weird for her to talk to the boss and say she wanted to take her sister on a cruise and get the boss’ okay. I think Sister was told to pack the night before, but didn’t know where they were going until they got in the car day of.

      You can tell someone their idea is not as great as they think without shaming them by implying they’re out of touch with reality.

    6. Festively Dressed Earl*

      I’ve pulled surprise weekends on my husband a couple of times, as well as other one-evening things. But I know my husband very well and he’s specifically stated that he really enjoys them. Also, I tested the waters by doing low stakes things, like getting tickets to one of his favorite movies when it’s back in theaters for a special anniversary showing, or by having his friends join us on our traditional theme park trip for his birthday. If he’d responded to either of those things with anything less than a megawatt grin, I’d never do it again.

      I did consider doing exactly what LW mentions and discarded the idea for the same reasons Alison mentions; surprising hubby with a trip wasn’t worth putting his boss in an awkward position or making hubby look unprofessional by association. Instead, I had him take the day off for another plausible reason like a family thing or helping a friend move. That way if he really can’t take the time off work, he’ll say so, and if he’s okay with it then he’ll already have his work stuff squared away – just not for the reason he thinks. I also arrange things for an extra day on top of an existing 3-day weekend, since in his workplace a lot of his coworkers are taking an extra day off or expect others not to be available on the first day back. He complains that it’s always super slow on the Friday and Monday of a 3 day weekend.

    7. New Jack Karyn*

      This is unreasonably negative. LW didn’t know, so they asked. That’s what we want folks to do; castigating them for having a missing bit of knowledge doesn’t encourage people to write in with their questions.

      And some folks do like surprises! Let’s let LW judge whether their partner likes surprise getaways.

  7. Max Power*

    OP, definitely don’t do this. Your heart might be in the right place but there’s a good chance you’ll cause some awkwardness or weird feelings at work that your partner will have to deal with. Give your partner the gift of not exposing them to unnecessary awkwardness. Alison’s suggestion is perfect – ask your partner if they CAN AND WANT TO take this time off, keep the specifics a surprise, and enjoy your trip!!

    1. Goldenrod*

      Yeah, agreed. I think Alison offered the perfect common sense solution here – ask your partner to request the time off for a surprise you are planning. The details of the trip can still be a surprise!

  8. Kelly L.*

    Not only “how does the boss even know the employee wants this,” but “how does the boss know this is really the employee’s partner.” You could be a vindictive ex planning to kidnap her. Yes, that’s extreme, but it’s the kind of thing people have to think about, and this boss doesn’t know you from Adam.

    1. Fashionable_Pumpkin*

      this is kind of where my thoughts went- an abusive partner could arrange time off to kidnap/hold hostage a partner, and be assured that no one will come looking for them for a certain amount of time. A manager shouldn’t be making arrangements about an employee with that person’s partner.

    2. StressedButOkay*

      Yeeeeaaaah, as someone who had a person that kept calling a former work claiming to be my fiancé it can and does happen. They never did that, just tried to get them to pass the calls to me (which they did NOT do) but, especially today, a manager – unless they’ve met you before – won’t be able to really know and they need to be careful.

      1. Observer*

        especially today, a manager – unless they’ve met you before – won’t be able to really know and they need to be careful

        Even if they *have* met the fiance. Because it could be a *ex* that the manager doesn’t know about. Or it could be a present ex who is a lot more dangerous than anyone realized. Or it could easily be a garden variety jerk.

    3. Loose Socks*

      I once had another student at the college I attended tell people he was my boyfriend. I was engaged to my current husband at the time.

      One time my husband got a very strange message from someone asking about his girlfriend. Apparently his girlfriend had left him, but had told everyone, including her own friends and family, that she was moving in with my husband. My husband had a public facebook profile, where I and our children were prominently featured, but she told everyone that he was leaving me for her but keeping it private because he wasn’t ready for the world to know yet. It was extremely weird. He didn’t respond to the message, but got several messages after that from several different people calling him all kinds of terrible things. This woman had gone to high school with him nearly a decade before all this, and he hadn’t spoken to her since he graduated. To this day she still has never contacted him directly.

      My point is, people are weird and sometimes terrifying. Nothing is out of the realm of possibility.

  9. Tradd*

    Totally agree with Alison on many jobs needing planning in advance for days off. You may have to do work ahead of time before being gone, etc.

    I get the intent, but the approach is off. I supervise one person. I don’t know coworker’s partner at all, not even their name. If someone I didn’t know contacted me out of the blue for time off for my coworker, I would think it was a scam.

    1. Blue Pen*

      I think the LW’s intent is positive here, but realistically, it’s tricky. In addition to everything you and Alison said, they’re also robbing their partner of properly planning in advance for their time off—e.g., do they now need to finish a draft earlier than they expected, do they need to reschedule a training they’re holding with division X, etc.

  10. Box of Kittens*

    I have a coworker whose partner did this when I first started at my job. The partner and the PTO manager knew each other well, though, and it was a much smaller company then and a lot more casual around stuff like this. Plus, my coworker had been here a long time and had a lot of good will built up, so a lot of people were willing to help cover her work and covertly help plan her schedule so it wouldn’t impact business too much. They were definitely the exception to the rule though!

    1. Cj*

      my brother-in-law arranged of surprise trip to Las Vegas for him and my sisters 10th anniversary. he knew her boss quite well, because he had been to company Christmas parties, company picnics, etc during those 10 years.

      he arranged with her boss for her to take Friday off, and they went for the weekend. she doesn’t have the kind of job where there would have been a work she needed to get done ahead of time, or have to arrange for a coworker to cover for her. but I can see this won’t work for some jobs.

      her husband didn’t have to worry about her wanting to save her vacation days for another time, because he knew what they had planned for the rest of the year for vacations and holidays.

      she was thrilled, but you definitely have to know your partner well enough to know if they would like this surprise or not.

      1. Storm in a teacup*

        Coming here to say this too.
        I once had a team member who was surprised by their partner with a weekend away (which resulted in a proposal!).
        He had plenty of annual leave and one day was easy to cover in our field.
        But I did think at the time personally I would hate that.

  11. PotsPansTeapots*

    Not to pile on the LW, since they sound like they’re planning something really nice for their partner, but this is somewhat similar to the “co-worker wants us to call her bf her master” letter. In both cases, you’re pushing for others to be part of your romantic life in a not-entirely-consensual way.

    Could you enlist a friend to plan a movie date or another less-exciting but still PTO-requiring event with your partner as a pretext instead?

    1. ariel*

      I agree with this, I’d look for ways to get your partner to opt in to planning which weekend but for – rearranging living room furniture or even just taking a break together.

    2. Bast*

      I don’t really see how the 2 letters are connected at all. How are you forcing others to be a part of your romantic life? I agree it isn’t the spouse’s place to ask the manager for the time off, but it’s no more involving them in your romantic life than it would be involving them in your family life if say, your sister asked for the PTO for a family cruise. Both requests are inappropriate, but that’s because they should come from the requesting party, not because you’re forcing people into your private lives.

      1. Bast*

        Main point not sure I got across — a vacation in of itself is not inappropriate. What you do with you time is you. Asking someone to call bf their master is not even in the same category.

      2. Not Tom, Just Petty*

        I see the connection. In both cases one person in a relationship is asking outsiders to act in roles within the relationship. The bf/master is more obvious, and outrageous and it involves a coworker directly. The vacation request, less so, but still involving others and the initiator is not even a coworker.
        As Alison writes, OP is scripting a rom-com.
        scene: OP calls manager and explains situation.
        scene: montage: Manager schedules days off, coworkers manage tasks in the background
        scene coworker gets ready to leave on Thursday, manager says, “have a nice weekend!”
        OP’s partner: “but it’s only Thursday!”
        everybody claps.
        So the connection is, nobody should clap for OP’s partner.
        They can be happy that coworker is going on a minivacation. IF coworker shares it. That’s all they need to know.

        1. AppleEditor*

          LW here! Sorry, I do feel that’s a bit of a bad faith interpretation of what I was trying to do. I appreciate it might have come across that way but please know it was genuinely from a position of “How do I make this stress free for my partner?” Allison’s thoughtful response and the commenters have made me realise – “Hey, this would actually add stress!”.

          1. OpalescentTreeShark*

            Don’t feel bad. If there’s one thing you can always expect from the AAM comment section, it is the worst-faith assumption of any of your actions that assumes other people are incapable of human connection.

            It’s a sweet gesture— just needs some refining! I think it’s great that you thought to ask and, and now you have a better plan that will definitely stress out your partner less!

            1. Chauncy Gardener*

              This!
              And I think you hit a record 100% agreement from this group that you should please not do this, at least in this way, for a lot of very different reasons that I wouldn’t have thought of either!

            2. Goldenrod*

              LOL! Yeah, I love the commenters on this site, but sometimes people draw really wacky conclusions.

            3. Tippy*

              No kidding sometimes the leaps of thought are wild. A dripping faucet does not mean the house is flooded. AppleEditor, I think it’s a nice gesture meant with the best of intentions but needs a little more reflection. Alison gave some good suggestions. Hope you and your partner have a great vacation!

            4. Green Post-Its*

              Definitely. Some of the comments on thus letter have been wild.

              I have actually seen this surprise vacation done at work, where a colleague’s husband secretly booked time off. It only worked because he knew the relevant manager as a friend and they collaborated to find dates that would fit in with her work patterns. Judging from how effusive and joyful my colleague was, she loved it.

              However, I freely admit that it was definitely a gamble and I wouldn’t recommend anyone try it under most circumstances!

  12. BitsyinChicago*

    Yup, keep the actual surprise a surprise, but loop your partner in on the planning for time & travel.

    The now-spouse did this for me years ago and the trip was amazing and completely surprising, but I knew how much time I needed off, what sort of shoes to pack. So! Thrilling unexpected gift but no stress of being unprepared. Win-Win!

    1. ThatGirl*

      My husband and I have both done “hey, take X day off please for a Surprise Thing” and yeah, definitely give her a heads up and chance to say no if she hates surprises or can’t for some reason!

    2. Pastor Petty Labelle*

      Yes also knowing what to pack is important, a long weekend in NYC requires very different packing than a long weekend in the mountains.

      There was an AITA a bit ago where the husband decided to surprise the wife with a night out, so she dressed up. He drove to a camper in the woods, with no food and the stores had closed and he announced they were spending the weekend. Oh he had packed a bag for himself. She took the car and drove straight to a divorce lawyer.

      As noted above, life is not a Hallmark Movie. Not everyone likes surprised, huge romantic gestures that are more hassle than romance. Don’t turn your partner’s life into a Lifetime Movie.

      1. CommanderBanana*

        Oh godddddddd I remember reading that AITA and doing an internal fist-pump when she went to the divorce lawyer. That one event was obviously the tip of a very big iceberg of problems with that guy, but good for her.

      3. Random Bystander*

        I didn’t read that one–but I would be so very much on the wife’s team on that. I loathe camping (if there is not running water and toilets that flush, I don’t want to spend even one night; I find the whole thing quite exhausting between food safety and site safety)–I would interpret “a night out” to be something like going to that new restaurant that opened up or something of that sort.

        I’m sure the drive to the divorce attorney was just that that was the last straw in a whole haystack.

    3. Daisy-dog*

      I’ve witnessed several surprises gone awry because the surprisee doesn’t understand the importance of going to said place at said time. We once had to cancel a surprise birthday dinner 3 times because our friend didn’t realize it was anything more than a one-on-one hang. Maybe just tell them enough to ensure they can be off work comfortably, won’t plan something else for those PTO days*, etc.

      *Or even for that weekend! They might get ads for concerts or events which are no where near as good as the vacation, but something that they’d want to do for their birthday if they’re in town.

    4. MaxPower*

      This is the way to do it. Plan a trip to see your parents for the two of you and instead surprise them that they’re not flying to Akron to spend a week with their MIL, they’re instead going to whatever fabulous destination you have in store.
      They can still plan at work for the time off, but they’re completely surprised in a good way when they learn where they’re actually going.

      1. Broadway Duchess*

        I’d steer clear of this method if the surprise-ee is a planner. What I’d pack for an trip to my in-laws’ house is way different than what I’d pack for [insert fabulous vacation spot].

      2. metadata minion*

        I mean, it’s a good surprise if they don’t like their inlaws. Otherwise it’s just a weird bait-and-switch of a different good vacation than they anticipated. I prefer Alison’s suggestion of leaving the destination intentionally open.

        Heck, I *don’t* get along with my inlaws and if my partner did this, I’d be *incredibly pissed* that he made me get all stressed in anticipation of seeing his mother and it turns out we’re going to the beach instead or whatever.

        1. Allonge*

          Yeah – don’t lie. Say it’s a surprise where you are going, then no disappointment. I am at the stage where the days I get to spend with my parents feel so few.

    5. DrSalty*

      This is great advice. Then your partner gets the anticipation of vacation PLUS the excitement of a surprise

      1. Cheshire Cat*

        Yes, this! Part of the fun of a trip, for some of us at least, is the anticipation. Don’t rob your partner of that!

    6. Wolf*

      My partner has surprised me with a trip. But he asked me to pack my own bag for an overnight stay – which was good, because I certainly wouldn’t want to go for a grocery store run for sanitary pads at 9pm on a romantic trip.

    7. Azure Jane Lunatic*

      How I’d probably handle this with my partner if they liked surprises:

      “Heyyy, how’s your vacation balance looking? Looking great? So, could you take off a couple days around your birthday? I have a plan but it’s not fully baked yet, let me know what days work and I’ll let you know as I figure stuff out.”

      Closer to the date, tease the idea of a vacation somewhere cool, before buying anything. Continue to tell them “I have plans for you! …Not involving a whackton of cleaning or construction, but I hope you’ll think it’s fun!” And I’d put an event on each of the days in our shared calendar, from 12:00 am until 11:55 pm (so it’ll show up as a full day block and not a multi-day informational stripe) with a reminder in them to keep our schedule clear for those days.

      And I’d let them know the full details at least 3 weeks in advance, in case they needed something that I didn’t think of, which would need time to order and ship.

  13. Lenniesmom*

    My husband did this. He booked a surprise cruise for our anniversary. He contacted my friend at work who double checked that time off would be okay during the time of the cruise. Booked the cruise for December, but gave me the present and knowledge of the cruise at the end of September, so I had time to put in an actual PTO request and make arrangement to have coverage.

    1. londonedit*

      Yeah, either do this or do the ‘You need to book this week off work’ but keep the actual reason a secret (as long as you know your partner likes surprises!)

    2. Sparkles McFadden*

      I think this is quite different. Yes, it was a surprise for you, but he asked your actual friend (not your boss) “Would this be a good time for us to take a trip?” to make sure there were no work events that would interfere. You handled your own vacation request and he gave you plenty of time to make the work related arrangements. Your husband sounds like a gem. I hope you had a great trip!

    3. Figaro*

      I once booked a surprise birthday holiday for my girlfriend (at the time). But it was for four months away, I gave it to her for Christmas, it was booked for her birthday. I made it very clear that the booking was 100% refundable so if for any reason at all she didn’t want to go or couldn’t go, we could cancel it easily, as long as we did it by the month before.

      She was freelancing at the time which in some ways made it more flexible and in some ways made it less so…

      It was a great trip but I definitely wouldn’t have booked for the day after next, or unrefundable.

  14. supeisedcanuk*

    I think you should avoid contacting your partners work unless 100% absolutely necessary. Mainly when they can’t go to work and are unable to tell their boss. I can only think of injury that would be somewhat common.

      1. AppleEditor*

        Apologies for the repeat letter in that case! I did try to find if something similar came up but didn’t find anything. Obviously I didn’t look hard enough (I also didn’t think to search “vacation” as opposed to “holiday” which is the UK term)

        1. I should really pick a name*

          No problem, just glad to see that the old letter was real and it wasn’t just in my head.

        2. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Nah, that was 8 years ago! It’s useful and interesting to revisit it. It comes up more than once because clearly a lot of people wonder about it!

      2. Elisa*

        Yeah,I just assumed it was a reprint it felt so familiar, and was confused that it wasn’t described as such. So very similar!

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      The surprise trip is a very common theme. Especially from people who love surprises to people who do not.

      Advice columns endure because while other people might think a situation is generic, the LW knows that their own spin is unique.

      1. londonedit*

        I also think it comes up fairly frequently because it’s a common trope in TV and films – the big romantic gesture where the heroine of the piece is whisked off to Paris or similar. People think wow, that’d be such an incredible thing to do, but in the real world where people have jobs and holiday allowance and things they’re working on, it isn’t so easy!

    4. Caramel & Cheddar*

      I’ve been reading AAM long enough that I thought for a second that this was one of those “I’m answering letters from the archives” posts, but nope! Turns out lots of people have this bad idea.

    5. Hlao-roo*

      There was a previous letter from a manager who had an employee’s boyfriend reach out to ask if the employee (his girlfriend) could have time off for a trip:

      “an employee’s boyfriend privately asked me to give her time off … and then things got even weirder” from August 9, 2016

  16. Falling Diphthong*

    The best variation on the surprise trip I’ve heard of was one in which the surprise was that the whole family was coming.

    Told upfront: Work has given me this trip as a reward for sales (not actually true) coincidentally near your milestone birthday and I’d love you to come. Here’s the general destination so you can pack or shop.
    At airport: Surprise! It’s a trip you’ve always wanted to do with all our kids and grandkids!

    Even aside from whether the person loves or hates surprises, you need to bow to the realities of them having a busy life that they can’t just teleport out of on your whim, fully geared up for the mystery thing they didn’t know was happening. “I’d like to take you somewhere on these dates. I’ll do all the planning. You’ll need a swimsuit and sandals, and one nice going out outfit.”

    1. londonedit*

      We did a similar thing with a party for one of my dad’s big birthdays. He thought he was going to a favourite local restaurant for dinner with close family; in fact we’d booked the function room and all his friends and family were there for a proper knees-up. He loved it (and he’s not usually the sort of person who would say he wanted a party) but again, you need to know that the recipient will enjoy the surprise!

      1. Ineffable Bastard*

        My family did it for my (now) husband once. He is good with this kind of surprise.
        He loved it, too, and got really moved that the cake had a Bananas in Pyjamas candle that he had seen in several other birthday cakes in my extended family before, so it was a way of telling him that the whole family was adopting him as one of us. It was my cousin’s idea and his favourite part of the function.

    2. Jennifer Strange*

      My husband’s family just did a similar thing for a birthday milestone for his mom. We framed it as a get-together with just immediate family, and the surprise was that some extended family and friends then showed up.

  17. goofball*

    I had a colleague who’s wife did this for him. From my vantage point it was fine between colleague and wife, but she was known in the office to be a little obnoxious (following all of us on social media, asked for money on a GoFundMe – a different story that I can tell if anyone’s curious).

    This kind of requests are just that, obnoxious. LW, consider having a surprise on the vacation instead? Massages, special dinner, AirB&B Experience?

      1. goofball*

        Okay, so as I mentioned my colleague’s wife added everyone from his work on Instagram. I was young and accepted her request, sort of to save face with my colleague as well given he was senior to me (but not my boss.) My colleague’s dog then was diagnosed with cancer which is of course really sad. His wife started a GoFundMe for treatment for the dog.

        She proceeded to send the GoFundMe link to everyone directly via Instagram DM. I wasn’t on socials with all my coworkers, but once the pressure to donate became a topic of gossip at work, I realized how she sent this around to everyone she could find online. I donated not a lot, I think $25.

        The dog sadly succumbed to his illness. Next week, the wife is posting about her new BMW. Really irked me.

        1. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

          > The dog sadly succumbed to his illness. Next week, the wife is posting about her new BMW.

          I hate to be the one to say this but are you sure the dog, and any other Go Fund Me’s she might have sent, are real..?

          1. goofball*

            I know what you mean. I do know the dog was real, since my colleague was vocal about his dog ownership.

            But I agree. It’s super tacky and thoughtless at best and fraud at worst.

            I guess my original point is, someone like her would organize a surprise trip and request PTO on behalf of her husband.

  18. Beth*

    Like everyone is saying, you can’t coordinate this without your partner. PTO requests have to come from the employee requesting them–it’s too messy to accept them from someone else! You need to either loop in your partner enough to have them request the time off, or (if you’re absolutely dedicated to making this a complete surprise) find a weekend on the calendar that’s supplemented by some national holidays and plan for then.

  19. Sparkles McFadden*

    I truly believe that no one likes surprises. The people who say they like surprises are the people who hint in a very aggressive way until other people arrange the “surprise” they want.

    1. Ms. Norbury*

      There are certainly people out there that truly love surprises and are not at all passive aggressive about their taste for it. It’s just that surprises are not all created equal, and everyone has a limit to exactly how surprised they want to be.

    2. londonedit*

      I don’t mind surprises (along the lines of ‘we got you the thing we know you wanted but couldn’t afford’ or something) and wouldn’t even mind a surprise party, but a surprise holiday would stress me right out. I like to plan for these things! Also I’m the only person on my team who does my job with my specific list of books, so I can’t just abandon ship for a week or whatever without making sure things are moving along and won’t just sit there. What if I had a book going to press that week?? Nightmare!

      1. MsM*

        Yeah, if I don’t get things off my plate before I go away, I’m either going to spend way more of my time away thinking about those things than is conducive to relaxation, or I’m going to carve out time to get them done.

    3. Happy meal with extra happy*

      You really think your experience applies to every single person? I know many people who enjoy surprises of different varieties/scale.

        1. AMH*

          “I truly believe that no one likes surprises” implies it. I’m assuming it was just a hyperbolic turn of phrase versus Sparkles actually believing that everyone feels just as they do, but I can understand reading it literally and being annoyed. I truly like some surprises, and it would be insulting to be told that I’m either being passive aggressive or lying when I say so.

          1. wordswords*

            Yeah, I definitely read it as more or less literal: no one likes surprises, and the people who say they do are lying to you and/or themselves because what they really want is a “surprise” they passive-aggressively orchestrated every detail of. (Not a thing I believe, and in fact, I quite like surprises, from people whom I’m close to and thus trust to have a decent idea of what I like! But it’s how I read Sparkles’s statement.)

      3. Former password resetter*

        Hey, I think this is getting too personal and confrontational. Maybe we all take moment here?

    4. Curiouser and Curiouser*

      I love surprises – gifts, dinners, parties, even trips…but I would never want my employer involved in a surprise. I love receiving flowers…but bring them home, don’t deliver them to my desk. Don’t show up at work to take me to dinner. Don’t plan a surprise party in my break room.

      There are people who love surprises, and the people who surprise me (my partner and family) know me well enough that I don’t need to hint for them to know what I enjoy. But there’s a difference between loving personal surprises and wanting my boss involved. No thank you.

    5. WantonSeedStitch*

      I love surprises that are actually thoughtful and well-planned. I don’t hint at the surprise I want because I don’t have the bandwidth to think about what kind of surprise I want or to actually plan it. That’s WHY I like surprises.

    6. ThatGirl*

      I do like surprises and I am not passive-aggressive about it – but as others have said, not all surprises are created equal.

    7. Cmdrshprd*

      You are right in that I don’t think people like surprises for the sake of surprises.

      But I do like surprises that are geared towards my interests. I would love/enjoy a surprise trip that was mostly geared/focused on my interests. I would not like/enjoy a surprise trip that was focused on an interest that I didn’t like and was mostly about my partners interest.

    8. MK*

      I agree. Or at least, the only welcome surprises are ones that don’t require extra work or any kind of inconvenience. E.g. if you are already taking a trip and your partner surprises you with an upgrade to a suite? Great. A surprise trip sounds like a nightmare: Will the partner have to scramble to pack last minute? Will OP pack for the partner (not a good idea)?

      1. Deborah Vance, Vance Refrigeration*

        Your example of a surprise upgrade, but not a suprise trip, is a very good one!

      2. M2RB*

        The packing is what sends me into “hell no” territory. I love my spouse dearly, but he would not pack to my specifications – he doesn’t know all the medications or vitamins/supplements I take, he doesn’t know what clothes have been banished from my wearing rotation for this week, he doesn’t know what makeup or skincare products are in the “must pack” vs “never pack” list. (And vice versa! I would most likely totally fail at packing for him.) And I can’t pack to my own comfort level if I don’t know where we’re going, what the weather will be like, what activities we’ll be undertaking, and how long we’ll be gone.

        1. E. Chauvelin*

          I could imagine it working if the planner left the details a surprise but gave their partner the information they needed to work with, like “I’d like to plan a weekend away these dates, if you can take Friday and Monday off,” and then when it gets closer and the partner needs to be able to pack, any other pertinent information like “Plan to be outside; the forecast at our destination is X. We’ll be driving so you don’t have to worry about airline baggage restrictions” or whatever.

      3. Jay (no, the other one)*

        My mother did that once. Hubs did some of his grad school research in Nevada and we spent my birthday weekend in Reno. We reserved a very cheap and bare-bones hotel room (grad school budgets) and my mother had them upgrade us to a huge suite. It was over-the-top gaudy with a huge tub, a TV in the bathroom (this was 1987 so that was astonishing) and two telephone lines. I called to thank her and very calmly asked if she’d paid extra for the mirror over the bed. It was tastefully concealed in a canopy….

      4. It’s A Butternut Squash*

        Some of us are laid back and don’t get stressed about things like last minute packing. It’s fine not to be. But it’s very weird to assume no one likes something just because you don’t.

        1. amoeba*

          Yup, thanks! (I mean, I never ever pack before the night before or the morning of in any case, and I’m sure my boyfriend knows that…)

      5. amoeba*

        I, for once, would actually be really excited about a surprise trip! But then I’m a very quick packer, have no special arrangements to make, and could generally take time off work on a short notice without any big problems/preparation. Like, a day or two, for sure, unless there’s an important meeting or something.

        So if my boyfriend somehow found out whether my calendar looked OK (by asking one of my colleagues that he knows, or by finding out from me under some pretense) and then told me on Wednesday evening “pack your bag for tomorrow”, I’d be really happy and excited!

        I mean, I know this isn’t everybody’s cup of tea, but in general I’d assume people know their partners, know what they’d enjoy, know whether they generally need to prepare time off in advance and arrange coverage or tend to be quite flexible, etc…

    9. Lightbourne Elite*

      I love surprises, as long as the person planning them knows me well. I’ve only had one “planned surprise” I didn’t like and the person planning it was, to be fair, a moron.

    10. Not Totally Subclinical*

      Bullcrap. I love thoughtful surprises. And if you want to think that I go around hinting aggressively, fine; you don’t know me from Adam’s housecat and your opinion of me has no value.

      Gift that shows the giver knows me and knows what I like? Thoughtful surprise.

      Thank-you chocolate? Thoughtful surprise.

      Someone knows that I love having my birthday celebrated and throws a surprise party for me? Thoughtful surprise. (Wouldn’t be a thoughtful surprise for someone who hates parties, but for me, I’d be delighted.)

      An unexpected trip requiring time off work that I have no option of saying “hey, this is a bad time” to? Not a thoughtful surprise.

      1. Mostly Managing*

        Exactly!

        I have had two surprise birthday parties for my husband, and he was thrilled both times.
        He has never had one for me, and for that I am deeply grateful.

    11. Vincent Adultman’s assistant*

      I mean, some folks truly believe dinosaurs didn’t exist or that vaccines caused autism but that doesn’t make either situation true.

      Like with a lot of things in life, surprises are a “know your audience” thing.

    12. KateM*

      I like small surprises. I don’t like to point a finger and say “buy this for my gift”, for example. But I don’t like getting things that I don’t care about, either, so a list of stuff that I could like and don’t mind someone else choosing for me is my best option.

    13. Empress Ki*

      I genuinly love surprises, but I wouldn’t like one that involves booking PTO behind my back.

    14. Emikyu*

      Depends on the surprise.

      “Surprise! I got you this thing (that requires no maintenance/upkeep/ongoing costs)!” – good
      “Surprise! It’s a party!” – good (for me, because I am extrovert. YMMV, don’t spring this on people unless you truly know they’d love it.)

      “Surprise! It’s a vacation/pet/car/house!” – BAD. These things require planning and commitment. There are extra costs associated with them. I want to be involved in the decision-making. Do not do this, ever.

      1. Great Frogs of Literature*

        I did genuinely love “Surprise, we’re getting a pair of kittens!” … when I was 14. I ADORED cats, and my dad knew that I would love a cat. If someone pulled that on me now, I would probably still like the cat, but I would also be annoyed that someone had signed me up for all the work of a cat with no warning and no chance to say no.

      2. Allonge*

        This. I am an introvert, so indeed no party surprises please, but otherwise – yes, I like getting something for my birthday I did not pick / know I was getting*, an upgrade of an event already planned is nice.

        But don’t whisk me away from my life. Like, please.

        *As long as I don’t need to take care of it. One of my friends likes to get me potted plants, which in principle is fine, but damn it’s another thing I need to take care of now… yes, not a good reaction to a perfectly innocent orchid.

        1. Humble Schoolmarm*

          I’m an introvert and I was touched by the one surprise party I’ve been thrown. To be fair, though, I had a sneaky suspicion when, about 6 week before the big day, my mother and two of my closest friends all started to ask me “So, you’re not having a party (I always had a small gathering at least) but if you were, what kind of party would you want?” I basically got to pick the menu and the guest list. lol!

    15. Rex Libris*

      It’s an easy enough theory to test. Any recent lottery winners out there, feel free to send me a share of your winnings completely out of the blue. I’ll report back on whether I liked the surprise or not.

    16. Nancy*

      Yes, some of us do and no it’s not because we aggressively make hints. One of the best memories I have of one of my friends, who passed two years ago, is the surprise birthday party she gave me. Totally unexpected and very thoughtful.

      1. Broadway Duchess*

        Yeah, my dad loves surprises and he’d cut off his arm before he’d actually ask for anything? so certainly not passive-agressive. Some people actually do like surprises and there’s nothing nefarious behind it.

    17. GenX Enters the Chat*

      I truly believe you are very, very wrong about this. I love a good surprise. I neither aggressively, nor passive-aggressively, “hint” until I get my way. I’m sure I’m not the lone outlier here.

    19. MollyH*

      Why do people like you who make these bold unsubstantiated claims never return to the responses? You just say this and run?

  20. jef*

    I don’t disagree with the advice at all.
    I will say that my husband totally did this. He wanted to do a surprise trip back to the college town where we met to celebrate the 20th anniversary of one of our early dates. It was sweet and romantic and I was very touched. But I also ruined the surprise and found out a few days ahead of time because I started making plans for Halloween, which was in the middle of the planned trip.

  21. TKC*

    This is a sweet gesture, but I would be upset if my partner did it. I have deadline-heavy work, and that’s not something I exactly keep him updated about — I’m good at just doing my work and keeping it at work. We talk about work stuff, but unless it’s a massive huge project he’s not going to know about my weekly/monthly normal deadlines and workplan. This would potentially mess me up.

    Maybe asking your partner for time off for a nice staycation where you promise to have a fun activity planned and then doing the surprise trip instead? If she’s planning a staycation then travelling will still a big surprise!

    1. sbc*

      I would still want to know I was traveling so I could make sure the clothes I wanted to take were clean, I had enough food and meds for the pets I was leaving behind, I meal prepped the right amount of food rather than making stuff I wouldn’t be home to eat, etc. But hopefully OP knows their partner well enough to anticipate that sort of thing. For me, “I want to take you on a surprise trip–could you take off X and Y days? It’s somewhere tropical/desert/very cold” would be enough info.

      2. Chirpy*

        This. While I’m not a super fashionable person, I’d be annoyed if someone else packed for me. My thoughts on “if I’m only going to have one pair of jeans for a week, I need this pair” aren’t super obvious, and to continue the jeans example, some are fine for normal wear but not great for hours on a plane.

        1. amoeba*

          Ah yeah, I wouldn’t do the packing for somebody – but telling me the night before (and making sure the laundry’s done so they have everything clean they might want) would be absolutely fine! So it’s a “know your audience” thing but would work really well here.

          1. Chirpy*

            Right, I’d love to be surprised with a trip…but with sufficient notice! Like, a day or two ahead for a quick weekend away is probably fine, a big trip is best with at least a month’s notice, just because the logistics are different.

    2. CityMouse*

      I have a training session today that also gets me some CLE I need. My husband doesn’t know about it because it’s virtual. Disrupting that would be a pain.

  22. Falling Diphthong*

    While one never knows if AITA is real, I am haunted by the woman whose boyfriend told her he wanted to take her out to dinner that night. So she put on heels and a flirty dress and off they went. Gosh this restaurant is a long way… Surprise! It’s actually a tiny camper in the woods! Huh? No, he hadn’t packed any other clothes for her, or a toothbrush or anything. Though he had remembered to pack them for himself. And no, he hadn’t thought about how there was no food here, nor anywhere remotely nearby. Nor about how her claustrophobia might play into the tiny camper. But, point is: He planned a thoughtful surprise!

    2. Pastor Petty Labelle*

      Oh it was boyfriend, not spouse? That’s the one I mentioned above. Yeah, fail after fail with that one.

      Just thought about what he wanted and not a thought to her or her needs.

    3. AppleEditor*

      Absolutely insane story – please just trust if I had followed through there would have been more planning than that involved

    4. Liz the Snackbrarian*

      Anything that is even slightly camping related or adjacent should not be a surprise. Some people are just not used to the woods or just vehemently hate camping (my dad is that person). I can see how for some people that would be the tipping point from “I’m uncertain about this relationship” to “This is the last damn straw.”

      1. Nobby Nobbs*

        Also, there’s camping and there’s…that. Or more generally, people tend to have strong preferences about what a fun vs onerous camping trip looks like. And almost all of those preferences include food and appropriate clothing!

        1. Wolf*

          I love camping, but my concept of how many warm sweaters and leggings I need is not the same as my partner’s.

      2. Resentful Oreos*

        I truly hate camping. I’ll go “glamping,” but I want showers and toilets and beds and generally to not feel a Clan of the Cave Bear type atmosphere.

        1. EDIA*

          Worse, in the case Falling Diphthong is referring to, the husband actually asked the wife her thoughts on s’mores (not her thing) and camping (hate it, but would be okay to try a glamping experience) the week before he pulled that nonsense.

      3. Chirpy*

        I love camping, but even I would be commandeering the car to go home if I had to do it in fancy dinner date clothes and no food.

      1. EDIA*

        A sizeable number of commenters on the Reddit post were of a mind with you. Everything else he did could be ascribed to a self-centered a-hole, but not bringing food? A self-centered a-hole wouldn’t cause themselves discomfort if they could help it. So the plan was…?

        Enter one very grim, possible conclusion.

        1. Ellie*

          Or he’s a bloke whose wife always takes care of the food for him, and he’s too stupid to realise that if the trip is a surprise, then she’s not going to know to organise food.

          But yes, if that had been me, I’d be making a show of phoning my parents to let them know where I was and who I was with, just in case the whole thing was a plot to kill me. And if it really was just colossal stupidity, I’d still want to leave him.

    6. Distractable Golem*

      The saddest one I ever saw was during my year abroad in Israel. A friend in my program was dating an Israeli, not uncommon. He planned her a perfectly appropriate, conventional surprise party with their mutual friends at a favorite place, blah blah.

      But the ruse he used to cover the surprise was much better than the party itself: she thought he was taking her to Paris for the weekend, and she needed to stop by to pick up some stuff.

  23. Caramel & Cheddar*

    I think everyone has outlined all the reasons the LW shouldn’t do this, but I think it all comes back to one very specific piece of advice that isn’t unique to this situation: you simply do not need to reach out to your significant other’s boss unless your SO is incapacitated in some way and can’t reach out themselves. There has been no time when the exception to that rule is “I want to go on vacation” and not “They’re in the hospital.” If your plans involve talking to their boss, you have to find another way to do it.

  24. Loose Socks*

    I know in my position it would be impossible for me to take time off without extensive planning. Also, I would be FURIOUS with my husband if he circumvented me and went to my manager to request time off. I work in a male-dominated field and already struggle with being seen as a professional, having my husband attempt to manager my leave requests and other work responsibilities would massively undermine me in a very real, career-impacting way, depending on who he contacted.

    1. Observer*

      OOOH! Yes.

      This would be such a problem in so many workplaces! And not only in male dominated spaces.

  26. Fluffy Fish*

    Aside from Alison’s suggested tactic, you can still plan a surprise, you just tell your spouse about it sooner than right before.

    Plan out what you are doing (without spending money yet) and surprise them with the itinerary. If they are good for that weekend they can put in for the leave.

  27. JFC*

    It would be a hell no from me if I was the manager in this situation. Even if I could reasonably assume my employee had a healthy and loving relationship with their partner, there’s so much I probably wouldn’t know. Are they having problems at home? Does the employee even want to go on this trip? Does the employee want to go anywhere with the partner? Why wouldn’t the partner discuss it with the employee first? I would be so concerned that I would be inadvertently putting someone in a super uncomfortable, possibly dangerous situation. So, no.

    Best bet is to tell your partner you’re interested in taking them on a trip on xxx dates and ask if they would be willing to take time off of work for that. You can still have the element of surprise in terms of the destination and activities if that feels healthy for your relationship. But the time away itself needs to be okay by everyone involved.

    1. Cj*

      I’m really surprised at how many comments there have been like this. if your employee doesn’t want to go on the trip, and especially if it will somehow put them in danger, then they just refuse to go.

      and if refusing to go will somehow put them in danger, than your employee should be moving out, or making their partner move out. and that is true whether the partner arranges PTO for your employee or not.

      1. Observer*

        So according to you, the employee should move out and therefore, the boss has no responsibility to not contribute to a possible problem?

        And what if this is something that the employee wouldn’t realize what kind of danger they are in? That kind of this really does happen, you know.

        And the situation does not have to be SO dire that it’s “move out now” time, but still a huge red flag of a dysfunctional and / or really problematic relationship. And an it’s just not reasonable for an employer to enable that.

        MUCH better to let the employee know that the request was made, and let them do what they need to with that information.

          1. allathian*

            Passing the buck, certainly. And yeah, I wouldn’t want anyone else to book my PTO for me, either.

    2. amoeba*

      Eh, this wouldn’t really apply if they just ask whether it would be OK for employee to take PTO at those dates and please note/keep in mind that they will probably request it on short notice! This is what my report’s friend did for her for a surprise bachelorette’s trip and while I wouldn’t necessarily do it myself, it was not a problem. The actual PTO was then of course requested by my report herself the day of or the night before – so I might have been a bit annoyed at the short notice without the heads up.

  28. Hamster Manager*

    I have done this the way Alison suggested, and it worked great! My partner had a great time theorizing what we were doing beforehand, all I told them was to take X days off and make sure the days were totally free. It was pretty obvious it was going to be a trip, but it’s very fun to neither confirm or deny with a wink in the lead-up.

    I did reveal the location a few weeks before, so they could choose a few activities to do as well, and they ended up picking my favorite thing we did, which we would not have ended up doing if I’d planned everything. Consider cluing your partner in a bit early if you’re going somewhere that has lots to do! It’s still a nice surprise, especially if you have things already researched that they can select from.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I asked my now-husband to take such-and-such days off work because I had a family event that I wanted us to attend that would involve going out of town. I didn’t actually tell him where we were going until we got on the highway going south toward the airport instead of north toward my family’s home, at which point I had him reach under his seat in the car, and he pulled out a birthday-wrapped package. Unwrapping it revealed a new satchel (which he had been wanting) that happened to be stuffed with printouts and brochures of some options of things we could do in New Orleans, which was our ACTUAL destination. It worked really well for us, because I’d have been the one doing all the planning for the trip anyway, so not giving him any options until last minute was fine, and his wardrobe is the same no matter where he’s going, so he didn’t have any packing issues. I will never manage a surprise like that again though – I’m a terrible keeper-of-secrets and we’ve now been together long enough that he knows I don’t go to family events. :D

    4. Not A Raccoon Keeper*

      LW, I’ve done it the exact way you suggested – emailed partner’s manager, got approval for the days off, and he even went in a booked some faux holds in partner’s calendar to ensure he wouldn’t put anything that couldn’t be rescheduled on those two days.

      I think it worked because: I understood the office culture, it was just a couple of days, coverage was a non-issue for partner’s role, since it was for a total solar eclipse I made it obvious that this was a one-time surprise* for that birthday, and because I knew that boss was as big of a nerd as we are.

      On partner’s actual birthday a few days before, I gave him a card explaining where we were going and that time off was approved. He was stoked and we had the most magical, nerdy time

    1. Wolf*

      That’s a bit harsh, isn’t it? You can do surprise trips in a thoughtful way, like telling your spouse that you plan an overnight stay and making the location a surprise.

      1. allathian*

        That only works if the person likes surprises. I don’t, not even supposedly happy ones like a trip I didn’t have to plan. But the thing is, I usually enjoy the planning as much, if not more, than the actual trip, and being denied that would disappoint me so much that it’d undoubtedly ruin the fun of the surprise for the other person.

        Sure, life is unpredictable at times, especially when you’re a parent, and I’ve learned to deal. I know I can’t control everything, but I do want to control as much of my life as I can. Even if my control is limited to refusing to go on a trip someone else’s planned for me without my input. I know that my attitude is rather extreme, but I’m not the only one who feels like this about surprises, although judging by the LW’s comments, I doubt their partner does.

        1. Wolf*

          Ah, the issue is that your partner would be doing something you strongly dislike, proving they don’t know or respect your wishes. Now I understand your perspective.

  30. Richard Hershberger*

    This is a rom com fantasy scenario. It might work out as imagined, or it might be a disaster in any number of ways. The smart money is on disaster, or at least falling short of the fantasy. Generally, any idea from a rom com is likely to be a bad one.

    1. AndersonDarling*

      I’m also thinking a birthday weekend vacation is not to the level of sneaking around to gf’s back and contacting her work. I can’t even quantify the kind of trip where this sneaking would be appropriate. An astrology buff that always wanted to see a solar eclipse in their sign and it happens once in their lifetime and the spouse plans a cruise to take them to the middle of the ocean to view it? Or a Disney nerd’s favorite story is being rereleased and there is a VIP event at DisneyWorld?
      It would need to be a once in a lifetime event so close to the individual that their co-workers would know about their interest because they talk about it all the time. The kind of scenario where the co-workers would love to be part of the ruse because it’s obviously a magical event.
      “Hey, I booked a room at a Bed and Breakfast…” is not that kind of event.

      1. amoeba*

        Hah, I’m pretty amused by the fact that Hamster Manager a few posts above this one has pretty much done your first scenario, apparently!

    2. McGovern's the One*

      I don’t totally agree – a surprise trip on its own isn’t inherently a bad idea. In fact alot of folks would probably appreciate it. You don’t ask someone else’s employer for the time off however, that’s just a no-go

    3. AppleEditor*

      You’re probably right that the hopeless romantic in me hadn’t considered every possible scenario! Oh well, there goes my plan to recreate Four Weddings and a Funeral beat for beat .

      1. La Triviata*

        Surprise good: A friend’s boyfriend told her he’ take her to a long lunch. He swept in – wearing a tuxedo with a violinist in tow to propose. Romantic, sweet, she said yes and both had a nice day.

        Surprise, not so good – my boss offered to take me to lunch, not checking and it was the day that started off with a dentist appointment, so eating was limited for me.

        So … surprises – it depends.

        1. Wolf*

          A good surprise definitely requires knowing the surprisee and the limitations of what you can surprise them with.

    4. Katie Impact*

      It’s not the most *likely* way for it to go wrong, but the funniest way this could go in a romcom is that both partners manage to Gift of the Magi each other by planning surprise trips to different places at the same time.

  31. Falling Diphthong*

    My husband’s absolutely ideal vacation would be that I tell him what days to take off and what to pack, remind him not to wear his leatherman knife to airport security, and that’s all the planning he has to do.

    It’s not that he loves surprises; it’s that he hates planning. But even for this ideal zero-decisions vacation, he does have to do all the planning at work beforehand for missing those days. Not just asking for the time off, but making sure it’s not a week he has to be there, finishing things up early, etc.

    1. AppleEditor*

      I can definitely appreciate that. The large part of the appeal of doing it this way is I know my partner hates making decisions so I just wanted to take the weight off their shoulders!

      1. Dobby is a Free Elf!*

        Sounds very much like your partner is the type who will appreciate that you did all the planning/took the hard decision-making out of the equation, but I think the actual logistics of a real-life situation mean that you need to provide at least “enough” information ahead of time. When we go on vacation, my husband often has no idea what we’re planning until we get there (and frequently, he knows where we’re going because I said “how do you feel about XYZ location?”), but he wouldn’t be able to just disappear from work for a couple of days without notice–and his job is one that requires planning several weeks in advance.

      2. Saturday*

        Sounds like a very thoughtful idea! I hate making decisions too and having to plan trips sometimes makes me want to just skip them altogether. I would absolutely love this kind of trip, even if it wasn’t a surprise right up until the very end.

      3. Allonge*

        You can do this without it being a total surprise though! Think of it this way: at some point all of it ceases to be a surprise, right?

        So for the parts that require your partner’s actions (take leave, pack their favourite PJs and so on) – that comes in time for them to do these things. The rest is still a surprise until you are there. And the part where you organised everything will still be there. Not the same thing as a surprise at all.

  32. Paint N Drip*

    Aside from the ‘know if your partner would even like this’ element, I feel like this only works if your partner works in a job that is solely physical-body shift work that is just work for this time period and requires zero longer-term plans/projects – I’m thinking retail, barista, etc. (although plenty of those jobs have scope creep that makes a surprise like this still really inconvenient!)

    If only some of those Hallmark dramas featured protagonist jobs OTHER than bakeries & cafes ;)

    1. amoeba*

      Eh, in my job it’s actually mostly absolutely fine to take something like two days off on short notice! *Because* we work mostly on long-term projects without short deadlines, so unless a rare important meeting happens to fall on those dates, it wouldn’t matter.

  33. Ex-prof*

    My grandmother’s cleaning guy’s partner arranged a surprise trip for him. He did have to tell him they were going somewhere, and to bring his passport. But then the surprise was revealed when the plane was boarding– Greece! Cleaning Guy was thrilled.

    Luckily. I would have been annoyed, because glaringly bright sunshine and hot weather are two of my least favorite things.

    I do think there’s a degree of egotism in this kind of thing, vs. “Honey, I know you’ve always wanted to go to Greece, and I want to take you there for your birthday. What would you like to see and do?”

    1. Paint N Drip*

      If I got my ‘dream vacation’ but was unable to do it my extremely-well-planned dream wardrobe, I would be so pissed

      1. Bossy*

        This is so me lol Listen if you can arrange the surprise so I know what to get/pack in advance and have time, etc, but from what I’ve seen in these parts it’s a serious no.

    2. All het up about it*

      I recently was involved in an interesting conversation on a friend’s facebook post about a mom who posted a teen’s ungrateful response to a surprise car. It was actually an interesting and thought-provoking conversation, but one of the things that really hit me was what you’ve just nailed. That sometimes the “surprise” element of these kinds of gifts and trips is more about the ego or thrill for the gifter than for the giftee.

      You want to give a loved one a trip to Greece – GREAT! Is the surprise part for you, or for them? Does it really make the trip more awesome (which it might for someone who really LOVES surprises) – or does it make you seem cooler somehow? It’s really had me rethink how I gift things and consider the effect on people.

      1. Dawn*

        I never give a “surprise” gift above about $20 because I’m not inside the other person’s head and I don’t know if they even want it, and I don’t think I should be giving a throwaway gift above that.

        Mind you, I’m not in a relationship and different rules might apply there, but most people I know aren’t big on surprises – especially disruptive ones like a trip.

      2. londonedit*

        My parents once gave me a car for my birthday (less extravagant than it sounds!) and I still feel like I sort of messed it up by not being excited enough. Don’t get me wrong, I was super excited and it was an amazing present, but the way my parents presented it was ‘we’re transferring ownership of the car, but you’re in charge of sorting the tax and MOT and insurance, and for all the running costs from now on’, and they made it sound super serious and like they wanted assurances that I could afford to keep the car on the road, so I responded in kind and just said ‘wow, yes, of course, I’ll make sure I budget for it, and I’ve got savings so I can sort out the insurance and tax straight away’. And then later my mum said that my dad was a bit disappointed and worried that I didn’t really want the car. I did! But in the moment I didn’t do the whole massive whooping ‘yay’ reaction because it sounded like they were being very serious about it all!

  34. Liz the Snackbrarian*

    I have no idea how people do surprise vacations. I get inwardly squirrelly just being in line at TSA if people aren’t filing into their appropriate slots, are arguing with the agents, or if the line is too long. I would get so stressed if my husband booked a trip for me!

    1. Perfectly Cromulent Name*

      I have done surprise vacations for my husband! But he knew about the vacation and the dates and asked for him off from work himself. He just did not know the destination. :) It is fun to do. If flying is involved, I DO tell him the destination at the airport before we hit the TSA. I do want him to be able to answer basic “what is your final destination'” questions. LOL!

    2. Audrey Puffins*

      I think I could just about bear a surprise vacation, as long as I had fairly detailed instructions on what to pack and my partner brought me a guidebook to read on the way to our destination. I don’t mind last-minute planning, but I NEED to be planning

    3. CityMouse*

      I’d hate it because I like having control over my stuff. Like yay, we’re going snorkeling, okay, I have a particular bathing suit that I prefer to wear while free diving and I want my rash guard. Stuff like that.

    4. SnackAttack*

      As a very spontaneous and go-with-the-flow Type B person, I love surprise trips! My husband usually does them for my birthday (although of course he’d always let me know if I needed to take any days off ahead of time).

    5. Wolf*

      I love surprise trips. But the planner always gives some necessary info, like “we’re going on a trip on 23rd November, one night in a hotel, and you’ll need your windproof jacket”.

  35. Perfectly Cromulent Name*

    My brother-in-law and his family made a surprise visit to my mother-in-law and did that. (He was living in another country at the time, so a visit was a big deal.) Her employer allowed him to ask for time off on her behalf, and I was *horrified.* She was charmed and loved the surprise visit, but I was just stunned that a rando could call up and request PTO for an employee. He had moved before she had that job, so it’s not like they’d watched him grow up or anything. (Not that it should matter- but he was very much a rando calling up all “Yo, I’m MIL’s son, can she take xyz days off as a surprise?”)

    I would LOSE MY MIND if my employer allowed that. I carefully curate my PTO, so that it would cause a whole terrible domino effect. Just talk to your partner. Even if they love surprises and would be totally fine with it, Allison outlined a whole bunch of important considerations that would be hard to gauge as the partner!

  36. That Crazy Cat Lady*

    Don’t do it. Personally, if I were your girlfriend, I’d be really uneasy about the fact that you could go behind my back and get approved time off for me without me even knowing. Even if I know and trust you! It would feel like a weird breach, but maybe that’s just me.

    2. KateM*

      I’d say, even if I knew and trusted you, I would think after learning about this that I don’t know you after all… and definitely don’t trust you anymore.

  37. Sparkles McFadden*

    No, no, no, LW. Please do not do this. It falls under the cardinal rule of not interfering with your partner’s work life. There are a couple of examples in the comments on how to arrange a surprise without undermining your partner at work. Do some variation of those things.

    As a manager, I would not entertain such a request, and would go straight to the employee and tell the employee about the phone call (thus ruining your surprise). My first responsibility is to the employee and that means not talking to family members behind her back. Also, it’s important for direct reports to trust their manager, and that means I am not going to lie to my direct report, even if it’s a lie of omission.

    Even if your partner loves surprises like this, going to her boss to request time off for her is infantalizing. “Hey person of authority! Let’s plot together to arrange this person’s vacation time behind her back.” Even if you don’t mean it that way, it’s how it comes across, and it’s also very similar to what controlling partners do. No good manager would take part in this sort of thing.

  38. Definitely not me*

    Something about surprises like this make me wonder whether the “surpriser” makes other decisions for the “surprisee.” Or whether the surpriser just doesn’t spend enough time considering the surprisee’s feelings. A good friend of mine falls into the latter camp (perhaps both camps). Invariably, his partner wishes he had consulted her first. One year he surprised her with a brand new bicycle, and while it was a pretty color (!) it didn’t fit her style of riding and required more money to make it comfortable (longer stem, different handlebars, etc.) because she was afraid it would hurt his feelings if she asked to return it for a different bike. She rides it, but it definitely was not the bike she would have selected for herself. Please consider these things and ask yourself — honestly — how you would feel if roles were reversed.

  39. HugeTractsofLand*

    OP knows their partner and their relationship best, so I hope they aren’t disheartened by all the anti-surprise comments and speculation! That being said, since this surprise would overlap with a work day, Alison’s advice is spot on. When my partner booked us a trip, he asked me HYPOTHETICALLY if I would be able to take a certain day off and mentioned that HYPOTHETICALLY it would be great if that day was clear. This actually made the surprise even better, because I could savor that hint and speculate for the whole month leading up to the trip. The trip itself wasn’t really a surprise, but the content- in this case, him proposing- totally was.

  40. Kate*

    I recently did a surprise trip for my husband, one year old, and I for our five year anniversary and our first trip with the baby. I had the added benefit that my husband’s dad is his boss, so I told his dad about it pretty far in advance to make sure he would be around, but then I told my husband about a month ahead of time. The biggest thing was that I know how busy and stressful his job is and I didn’t want him to feel unprepared to leave things for a couple of days. I didn’t tell him where we were going – in fact I didn’t even say we were going anywhere – I just asked him to please take off the Thursday and Friday before our anniversary and that it was a surprise why. I told him on the drive where exactly we were going. I’m an incredibly unromantic/unsentimental person and I always feel outdone by my husband on gifts and things like that, so I felt pretty good about planning a nice weekend away for him! But to echo some of the other comments, I think this worked primarily because it was a short trip and we drove to get there. So there wasn’t a lot of the typical stress that comes with flying, etc.

  41. Tess McGill*

    My coworker’s wife did this. She contacted her husband’s boss to tell him she was planning a Vegas trip as a surprise for her husband, wanted it to be a specific weekend, and wanted to talk to his boss to see if booking it as a surprise would be a problem. The boss said he had no problem with it, but his employee manages his own schedule and didn’t think that his ‘approval’ would ensure this guy would be able to get away. So the boss made up a fake mandatory two-day Thursday/Friday meeting so his calendar stayed free. Wife surprised him with the trip a week before the trip. He was thrilled and still talks about how great it was. And that he didn’t have to go to this fake two day meeting he was dreading :)

    The point is that a lot of stars aligned for this to work. She knew he liked surprises and had always wanted to go to Vegas. We have a chill work environment and an approachable boss. It was a time of year he wasn’t as busy with projects. She did this with enough notice that the boss could set aside time in his calendar so he wasn’t trying to move and cancel things last minute.

    1. The Unionizer Bunny*

      So the boss made up a fake mandatory two-day Thursday/Friday meeting so his calendar stayed free.

      This is a lot simpler than what I was thinking. The scenario I had in mind wouldn’t be practical unless OP was independently wealthy, and even then it would probably be easier to just buy the company outright and order them to give the partner extra PTO for a romantic trip with the new boss (which would introduce other problems).

      So: the hard way it is. Contact partner’s boss asking if their company can set up a business trip to the same area and bring along partner, then reveal when they arrive that participation is optional and partner can enjoy vacation with OP for that week instead. Complications then arise . . . boss will need to be reimbursed for not just the wages that their company is losing due to work the OP isn’t doing (already the PTO is negated), but the benefits that come with that amount of wages (now the PTO is negative), and the loss of the profit from the work OP’s partner was doing (companies hire workers because those workers earn more money for the company than the company is paying them), which – if they aren’t working on a straightforward manufacturing line – is going to implicate all the work that lots of other people can’t do with someone essential missing. Oh, and the company doesn’t normally have any business in that city, so OP is going to need to pay for all their expenses, even if OP’s partner decides to take the business opportunity rather than abandon it for the vacation. If anyone else was going to be on this trip, not just their expenses but also the loss of all their work, with other people held back by their absence, and the wages they would get paid.

      Sure, some of those could probably be avoided with remote work or just flying back early, but the company has to budget for all this in advance and know the OP is good for it – and if OP is independently wealthy, the company may aim to soak OP for all OP is worth.

      It would be easier to just buy the company outright. And give everyone an extra week of PTO.

  42. Earlk*

    My friend makes fake plane tickets with the times and dates (before booking) so their partner can book off the time, have a surprise and have a keep sake.

  43. AppleEditor*

    LW here – thanks for everyone’s comments. I’m definitely rethinking my approach. I sppreciate people’s comments about not liking surprises. Please trust that I know my partner well enough that I’d accounted for that already. This would not have crossed my mind if I thought my partner would hate the idea of a surprise!

    1. HonorBox*

      I was completely on your side related to the surprise. You clearly know how this will land for them. But I think giving them a heads up of some type versus reaching out to their workplace, you can keep elements of surprise while not stepping on professional toes.

    3. Dawn*

      It’s not even necessarily about surprises so much as…. surprise travel which seems particularly onerous to me.

      That may be entirely a me thing but I’d want to be super duper certain they were down for that…. which probably means just asking them anyway.

    4. Jiminy Cricket*

      Good luck and have fun! There are lots of ways to do this well, and I’m sure you’ll find one.

    5. SnackAttack*

      I’ve noticed that this site attracts a more cautious, structured kind of person who doesn’t like the unexpected (nothing wrong with that, of course!), so I’m not surprised that there’s this kind of reaction! You’ll see the same kinds of responses about things like pranks or team social events. Personally, I love surprise trips. Follow Alison’s advice and you’ll be fine!

      1. Broadway Duchess*

        I think this is definitely true (I say this as a cautious, structured kind of person who doesn’t like the unexpected)! I didn’t, however, see this as a Red Flag™ the way a lot of commenter’s seemed to think it was. I just wouldn’t want my husband using my PTO on my behalf!

        1. londonedit*

          Definitely – in a relationship where there’s trust and everything’s good, it’s not a red flag in itself and it’s a thoughtful thing to think about doing. I still wouldn’t like it, because my partner doesn’t know the ins and outs of what I’m planning to do with my holiday allowance for the year, and because my partner doesn’t know what I’m working on and what deadlines I have coming up. But I wouldn’t see it as some sort of horrendous mis-step – and the good thing is that the OP had the sense that they should check it out with Alison before committing, and now they have some other ideas to move forward with instead of potentially doing something their partner wouldn’t be happy with.

    6. Escapee from Corporate Management*

      Good to hear. And glad you listened to what this could mean from the manager’s perspective.

      Enjoy the trip!

  44. EvilQueenRegina*

    Depending on the job, another issue might be coworkers wanting the same time off. If there’s already enough people off that Partner’s definitely needed to cover those days, OP might not have that context. Or someone else might ask the team “Is it okay if I take X-Y off?” and Partner, expecting to be working those dates, gives Coworker the go ahead and Boss then has to have an awkward conversation declining someone’s leave.

    I used to work with someone whose mother in law had a habit of turning up saying “Surprise! I’ve booked the whole family on a cruise! We’re going from X until Y!” The family did usually have a few weeks notice of the dates so they could prepare, but mother in law wouldn’t have thought about things like coworkers wanting the same time off or anything the family might have already planned. The first time this happened while I worked with her, she hadn’t been there that long and hadn’t got as much time off anyway, and had to cancel a planned week off right at the last minute (literally; she’d gone home on the Friday expecting to be off from the Monday, and MIL sprang the cruise on her on the Saturday, so she had to come in on the Monday after all to accommodate this cruise). The second time, some leave I’d already booked for a trip fell right in the middle of the cruise, and ex-boss Umbridge kept on dropping hints until I agreed to cancel the one day when I was going to be home.

  46. Red Caper*

    I organised a surprise holiday for my partner, but asked them to take the time off claiming it was for a family get together. As the time grew closer, they suspected something was up, but they didn’t have a clue what it was until I started following signs to the ferry. They were truly surprised, and if anything, knowing _something_ was happening added to the suspense.

    This left my partner in full control of their time off and availability, whilst letting the surprise holiday happen – best of both worlds!

  47. Indigo64*

    In college, I had a summer job working for someone my grandma knew. My cousins were visiting from out of state, and my grandma called my boss and asked him to give me a couple of days off to spend with them. I was really upset- it was hourly, so I just didn’t get paid for those days and I needed the money for school. Plus I’d made plans with my cousins outside working hours. Like Alison said, the manager doesn’t know your relationship or if this would be a welcome request.

  48. LurkerLolo*

    We had an employee call off for our busiest week that was usually a black out PTO time because her husband planned a surprise weeklong cruise. Most of our small staff wanted her fired (this was the icing on the cake–she was not great). The ED tried to excuse it. She did end up leaving of her own volition a year later. I still can’t believe anyone thought it was ok to book a surprise week off for a working spouse.

    1. Jenga*

      Give your partner a heads up. If you want a surprise element, keep the destination secret. Besides, half the full of a getaway is the anticipation. Give your partner something to look forward to.

    2. Anne of Green Gables*

      Yeah, one of my concerns about this is that my partner doesn’t know my busy times. There are days that I absolutely cannot take off, and unless they fall on a school holiday so I’m discussing childcare with them, they aren’t going to know when those are because we just don’t discuss our work in *that* much detail.

  49. Lady Danbury*

    I love the idea of my partner organizing a surprise vacation for me, bc he knows me well enough to choose a place/details that I’d enjoy. I would HATE the idea of them approaching my job though. I echo the other commentators who suggest asking your partner to take the time off for a surprise, so that they can request PTO themselves (or tell you the day doesn’t work for whatever reason).

  50. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

    Oh man. This reminds me of when my stepdad wanted to take my mom on a “surprise” trip to NYC for a milestone birthday. Her birthday is the day before Christmas, so he was going to take her the week before (she owns her own business and takes a break for the week before and after). Sounds like a good plan, right? Except she does 90% of the planning/prep/work for Christmas for the two of them, and because of when her birthday falls, she does that stuff exactly when he was going to take her.

    She suspected he was going to do something, and explicitly told me, my stepdad, and my brother that if it was a surprise trip, she needed to know ahead of time. We begged and pleaded for our stepdad to just tell her a week before they were supposed to leave, but he was dead set on waiting until the day before (so she’d have time to pack, but it would still be “a surprise”). It took me threatening to go ahead and tell her that Monday (they were leaving on a Friday) to get him to go ahead and say something. She was annoyed she didn’t get more time so she wouldn’t be rushed prepping for Christmas when she got back, he was annoyed we made him give up the surprise early, and my mom, brother, and I were ALL annoyed that it turned out he’d made ZERO plans outside of booking the flights and hotel–and hadn’t intended to make any plans until they got there! Not even booking a show ahead of time. I wanted to slap him, because he *said* it was so my mom could decide things, but you cannot wing EVERYTHING the week before Christmas in NYC. Not unless you’re Kevin McAllister and are in a movie.

    I mean, I’m not at all against surprise vacations in the abstract. But when it comes to the actual fact of them, the surprise needs to be the knowledge that you’re getting a vacation to somewhere awesome; the surprise should not be last minute, because adults need to know these things so they can plan accordingly. Like, I would love for my husband to say “for your birthday, I’m giving you a trip to France” and then let me plan it with him. I would NOT like it to be “for your birthday, tomorrow we’re going to France for two weeks!” because I’ve probably already bought our groceries for the week (which will now rot in the fridge and be a waste of money), I have things scheduled at work and with friends, etc. etc., plus what if I don’t have enough of my medicine for two weeks? Do I have doctor appts scheduled during that time? Are the clothes I want to wear already clean, or am I about to have to rush to do a load of laundry? Etc., etc. If you’re not accounting for ALL the various emotional/household labor that the person getting surprised does on a daily basis, it is actually pretty selfish to plan a surprise vacation without telling them.

    2. Allonge*

      Yep. Really-truly-surpise trips should not be more than a day long, so everyone is back in their own beds by night.

      Also, telling friends / other family of the surprisee is a good move, they can serve as reality check (both for the planning and how long it should remain a secret).

      And FFS, if it’s a surprise trip, plan it! Like, actual plans for at least half the time – the gifted person should not get an additional surprise of ‘now you need to come up with what you want to do on the fly’. Unless you are like a gazillionaire I suppose, but most people are not.

  51. Jenga*

    Give your partner a heads up. If you want a surprise element, keep the destination secret. Besides, half the full of a getaway is the anticipation. Give your partner something to look forward to.

  52. Io*

    My husband did this years ago – he knew my boss, who was totally fine with it and helped trick me into going to the airport. (I thought we were having lunch out that way). So boss-wise it was fine because we all knew each other well.
    I was NOT happy about it. I had stuff at work I had been procrastinating on that got messed up because I had a surprise day off. Also, it just threw me off emotionally. And my husband packed for me, which definitely annoyed me.
    Highly recommend you not make this a total surprise, it could seriously screw up both her work and your relationship.

  53. TheBunny*

    No.

    Just no.

    I’d be FURIOUS if my husband did this. And he’s met my boss.

    Don’t get me wrong… you wanting to surprise her isn’t wrong in and of itself. The issue is the implied idea that she’s not fully in control of her own professional life and decisions about when she works and takes time off.

    While likely not the intent, this is really minimizing of her and her work.

    Please don’t contact her boss.

  54. Aeryn*

    I’m in the extreme minority here in that my husband did this for me, with some caveats! I had given birth to our first son prematurely and he passed away a few hours after birth (August). My husband wanted to do something special for my birthday (November) so he contacted one of my work friends for my manager’s contact information and told my manager he wanted to take me to Hawaii for my birthday and gave my manager the dates he was looking at before he booked the trip. My (male) manager concurred that nothing major was going on at work then and low-key grayed out my work calendar for the week in question. My husband told me about the trip a week before we left, so I had time to process the info and pack without rushing. I was relieved/pleased that he cleared things with work so that when I officially put my PTO time on the calendar, there was no concerns about the relative short notice.

  55. Serious Silly Putty*

    Can you ask someone OUTSIDE of work to block out her time?
    I had a friend ask if I could babysit all day for a work training he had to do — not an outlandish request given i was a student in the summer who had babysat for their family before. I arrived at their house to find a bouquet of flowers and a note from my boyfriend inviting me for a picnic. It wasn’t until Friend said said, “we’ve arranged other childcare arrangements “ that it clicked that I was about to get proposed to!

    1. HonorBox*

      This is far different, though. There are plenty of references on this site to PTO being part of someone’s compensation package. I can’t imagine things going well if a spouse called their partner’s work and asked if they could change the withholding for a HSA. While benefits can benefit more than just the spouse, a workplace shouldn’t be allowing for use/changes to benefits by anyone other than the employee.

      Your situation is more akin to someone calling their spouse’s coworker or boss and asking them to help with a surprise by sending the spouse to a particular place on a “work errand” at the end of the day so they can surprise them with dinner or a relative who is visiting or something like that.

  56. I'm just here for the cats!!*

    It’s still a surprise even if you tell her ahead of time. Tell her with enough time. Don’t wait until 2 weeks before hand.

  57. Compassionate Curmudgeon*

    Ugh do not do this. I second other commenters’ recommendation that you could ask your partner to request those dates off but tell them that the location is a surprise. One time, my direct report’s husband surprised her with a TWO WEEK-long vacation with only 24 hours advance notice. I approved the request because the flights were already booked and everything was planned but it was not a good look. It didn’t help that she was already somewhat flaky and underperforming so a part of me was also always a bit suspicious that she had known about the trip but just hadn’t gotten around to telling me… Surprise trips like this strike me as a bad idea personally (makes you seem controlling, might be ignoring what your partner actually wants) but also has the potential to harm your partner’s professional reputation in ways that you are not aware of.

  58. HonorBox*

    I’ve seen something like this work, though it wasn’t a complete surprise. A work friend’s husband reached out to boss & office manager to inquire whether a particular timeframe would work if his wife (my coworker) took PTO. He booked a trip, surprised her with it, and told her at that point that he’d checked to ensure there wasn’t a work conflict before booking it. He did not request PTO on her behalf, though. I kind of like this way of splitting the middle if you a) know your partner well enough to know it will land well and b) need to be sure you’re not stepping on any conflicts at work. All of that really requires that you know how your partner would feel and you have a good enough relationship with whoever you’re reaching out to. In this case, OP probably reach out to the coworker they know and inquire about any potential work conflicts, but no one but the actual employee should be requesting PTO.

    1. HonorBox*

      Clarification: by actual employee I don’t mean the coworker. I mean no one but the individual should be requesting PTO for that individual.

  59. Crencestre*

    What Alison said, OP; talk with your partner but do NOT contact her employer!

    Frankly, any halfway-aware employer today would be seeing red flags if they got a request like that! Domestic violence is very real and abusers are very, very clever at concealing their crimes or making them look like accidents or self-inflicted injuries as well as controlling every aspect of their victim’s life that they possibly can. Contacting your partner’s employer to ask that they be given time off would set off mental alarm bells on the part of that employer (what’s OP planning to do to her that he doesn’t want her to know about?)

    And how would the employer explain the sudden, unrequested time off to your partner – their employee? How would SHE react if she thought that her manager was just fine going behind her back to conspire with you to manage her schedule? How would this impact her relationship with her manager going forward?

    Loop your partner in on your plans, be sure that SHE’S fine with them, then make plans TOGETHER to take time off from your respective jobs. But do NOT contact her employer – it’ll set you on their radar as inappropriate at best, creepy and even a threat to your partner (THEIR employee) at worst.

  60. immunorecovered*

    I am someone who LOVES surprises, truly!! However, I am also someone that definitely needs to plan my time off, prepare for it, and coordinate ahead of time. My partner would totally be the type to attempt to plan something exactly this! He learned early on in our relationship, though, that he needed to give me a heads up for anything out of town. He knows that coordinating work & projects on my behalf would not be appreciated (though it sounds sweet, in theory). Even where we are going or what we are doing can’t be a complete surprise! Do I need formal outfits, hiking clothes, dressy clothes, or casual? Will there be a gym where we are going or should I not expect to have time for that?

    If you’re thinking I don’t sound like a “go with the flow” type of person, you are right. That might explain my love of surprises (given that I am hard to surprise)!

    1. Tuxedo Luna*

      Eh, I would say I am a go with the flow person, but I still wouldn’t trust my partner to know what to pack for me for a trip.

  61. Young Business*

    I feel like this has the potential to go sideways in a multitude of ways. Honestly, if I received an email out of the blue from someone I didn’t know explaining a staff member needed time off I’d probably assume it was some sort of phishing attempt or something nefarious. Please don’t circumvent your partner to ask for time off for them.

    1. Antilles*

      That was my thought too when it was presented as “I’ve never met but I have an email for”. I’m immediately wondering what’s going on.
      Assuming, of course, that the email even gets to me rather than getting auto-filtered by our system.

  62. Coffeebreak*

    I’m such a particular person that I wouldn’t like a surprise trip unless you knew me well ahead of time and gave me a list of crucial items to pack. Otherwise, we’d be a pharmacy a lot of the time, and I’d be slightly annoyed at the surprise.

  63. Tegan Keenan*

    This made me think of the time my fiance attempted to surprise me by taking me to look at a horse he thought he was going to buy for me as a wedding gift. Except he’d never ridden a horse before, so it did not cross his mind that me wearing shorts and flip-flops might be a problem. And even though the seller had several pairs of extra riding boots in the barn, I have rather large feet and none fit. He intended this as a lovely surprise, but it turned out to be a frustrating experience for everyone. And I felt really bad that the seller had taken the time to saddle the horse for nothing. Also, he had never asked me if I actually wanted to OWN a horse. I do not. I like to ride other people’s horses.

    1. Observer*

      Also, he had never asked me if I actually wanted to OWN a horse.

      Yeah, this is someone who knows NOTHING about horses – and probably not about any living creature.

      I don’t know much about horses and I *think* I’ve been on a horse once when I was a kid. But even I know that owning a horse is an expensive proposition and requires a lot work and resources – either your own or that you pay for. Like you can’t just keep a horse in your back yard.

      The rule about not ever getting someone a living being as a gift unless you know they want it holds true here. In fact, it holds true several times over.

      But I have to say that your fiance’s idea was a lot worse, as a surprise, than what the LW was planning – even though I vehemently agree with them needing to ratchet down some of the surprise elements.

  64. PayRaven*

    Think about it this way: even if your partner loves surprises and will be thrilled by it, that STILL isn’t a good enough reason to disrupt their work plans, their internal calendar of their PTO, and all kinds of other things that, since you aren’t them and don’t have their job, you just have no way of knowing that you don’t know.

    “Surprise” just isn’t a good enough excuse to go behind someone’s back. It’s more about you and your desire to surprise them than the reality of their live and plans. If the trip/gift aren’t enough without the surprise factor, that’s something to consider separately.

  65. Tuxedo Luna*

    An alternative could be to surprise your partner by just writing a card with the details and that your gifting them a surprise trip and then explain that you’ll just need them to get x days off work.

  66. Ana Gram*

    A boyfriend did this for (to?) me when we were young, maybe early 20’s. We worked at the same place but for different supervisors. It really irritated me though I couldn’t quite explain why back then. Sure, we had a fun day but I don’t like last minute plans and I really didn’t like the idea that I was supposed to like this plan that was forced on me. And I really didn’t like spending 24 hours of leave! We worked 24 hour shifts btw. I now work with my husband and he would never think to impose in this way. One of the many reasons he’s my husband ;)

    Just don’t, OP. Let your partner manage their own leave and schedule and professional life.

  67. Chocolate Teapot*

    There are clearly people who like surprises and those who don’t. I think the idea of asking other half to book time off work with the surprise following seems to be the best option.

    I agree about having some advance notice of plans though. It might have been a post on here where a woman thought she was meeting her partner for a birthday lunch during her break and got whisked off to Paris for the weekend. Which was nice but she was a bit put out at not being able to pack the clothes she wanted to take.

  68. Charlotte*

    My partner and in laws routinely plan vacations without asking me. I have to go because my children will be there. Essentially I have to use my PTO to go on someone else’s vacation, and on multiple occasions I have had to take off at the worst possible time work-wise, when I had a specific project schedule in place and creating a lot of stress for me and teammates. They think they are somehow doing me a favor by making me take the time off, but they dismiss it when I explain why it is a problem. I can say from experience it is extremely disrespectful to do this to someone. Honestly if an employee’s partner circumvented my employee and asked me for time off I would be very concerned about my employee’s wellbeing. As Alison said your relationship is probably fine, but it’s far enough over the line to send off some red flags.

    1. allathian*

      How old are your kids? Do you trust your partner to parent them appropriately? If yes, let them and the in-laws take the kids on the vacation and stay at home working. I bet that would be the last time they planned a vacation without involving you. They want you there to do most of the parenting, right?

      When my son was small, as much as I love him, I would’ve loved a week or even a few days of simply going to work without having to worry about the second shift when I got home, knowing that our son was safe and happy with his dad and grandparents.

      If you can’t trust your partner to parent, you have even more serious issues in your relationship than simply them being unwilling to consider your wishes, which is already bad enough.

  69. Liz the Snackbrarian*

    Reminds me of when my mom gifted my dad a vacation growing up. My parents were college professors and one Christmas, my mom presented my dad with tickets to fly to Paris over spring break. He was super excited and was like, “I got you everything on your list! The fuzzy top! The shoulder bag! The nicest blender at Target! And you got me tickets to Paris!” They had a great time and I still remember helping my dad pick out that blender.

  70. Fluff*

    Hi OP. This is a nice example where something seems like a great idea at first (and on TV). Then we find there so many nuances make it the opposite.

    I totally understand why this is not a “obvious” answer for the OP. Everyone has different ways to express appreciation and receive it. Just like many people have different versions of relationships.

    Plus, the OP gets kudos for asking BEFORE actually doing. This could have been a letter titled “My partner is peeved after I contacted her boss for ____.” Or the “My employee’s SO is interfering with their work schedule and does not want me to tell them” letter.

    Prevention is a great thing!

    1. Observer*

      Plus, the OP gets kudos for asking BEFORE actually doing.

      This is *definitely* true.

      And given how well the LW is taking all of the responses, I give them credit for that as well.

  71. Ms. Murchison*

    Assuming that LW actually knows that their partner likes surprises (the fact that so many people don’t is well-covered above), I like AAM’s suggestion to ask your partner to take a four-day weekend to celebrate and promise them you’ll schedule everything, with one caveat: going out of town requires packing, shopping, and often some personal logistical pre-planning. Unless you 100% know for sure that your partner already has everything she could possibly want to pack for this trip and is the type of person who is comfortable leaving town at the drop of a hat (and hasn’t ordered something from Amazon that is due to be delivered that weekend), at least reveal the surprise a week before so she can get her ducks in a line.

    Also, yes, do not contact her manager. You do not live in a rom-com. She needs to be the one to communicate with her manager about her schedule because she’s presumably an adult with agency and desires to maintain control over her career.

    1. Pastor Petty Labelle*

      A thousand times this. Not everyone loves the idea of hey honey we are taking off for a long weekend right now.

      1. Ms. Eleanous*

        Echo that.
        Some people love surprises.
        Out of town trips, though, require packing appropriately, and possibly rescheduling stuff on the home front.

        Perhaps the Surprise! moment could be now – when you tell her – not surprise!- we’re leaving in ten minutes.

      2. anonymous anteater*

        My main issue would probably be the work that I had planned to do in those days, and maybe certain deadlines that my partner is jeopardizing. Also what about meetings that I had agreed to attend? I might ruin the surprise vacation by taking my laptop, lol!

        1. Tinkerbell*

          It’s not just WORK work, either. On any given day I’m also vaguely planning that I need to drop off that prescription, I need to get to the bank before Friday, we’re almost out of milk again, still haven’t picked up the clothes from the dry cleaner’s, I still need to make that appointment, my car’s oil is probably due for a change, etc. Going on a vacation – even a long weekend – throws my mental calendar totally out of whack!

      3. SpaceySteph*

        A coworker of mine does this “surprise vacation” thing. Its through a travel agent, you give them some general interests and dates, and they book a vacation for you. The week of the trip they send you a weather forecast and some general ideas of what you’ll be doing so you know how to pack, and what time your flight is. They also send along the full details in a way that you can choose when to reveal.

        My coworker always posts the weather/activities info in our group chat thread (one specifically reserved for general outside of work chat) and encourages guesses. Watching him take these trips is exactly the right level of surprise for me to live vicariously through, I could NEVER give myself over to the universe this way.

    3. Presea*

      Presumably we can take the LW in good faith that they know their partner’s likes and dislikes. That being said LW, asking your partner to request off for a surprise your planning is also a really handy way to ensure she’s going to be as thrilled as you want her to be.

      1. Happy meal with extra happy*

        Yeah, while I agree that this isn’t the best way to go about a surprise, I could really do without the typical AAM commentariat deciding that because they don’t like something, no one must. (

            2. Information Diet*

              Yeah, it kinda happens like clockwork.
              Surprises? You better ask me 3 months ahead of time!
              Team Building? No, get me my gift card at work!
              Happy Hour? You better go home and be happy!
              Work in the Office? How dare you ask me to be around people!

              1. Rocky*

                Information diet, I’ve been reading this site since about 2104, and you’re spot on! I love our commentariat, but I sometimes wonder if people see it as an opportunity to express any negativity they have to suppress in the office?

          3. Lightbourne Elite*

            The “I don’t personally like this so others must not either/those who do are wrong” is a tone that occurs here frequently.

          4. wordswords*

            Definitely matches my experience of reading the comments section, though.

            I mean, think it’s fair for Alison to raise the point that OP may want to stop and make sure that they’re confident their partner will indeed enjoy the planned surprise as much as they’re enjoying planning it — and then to move on to addressing the actual question that was asked, which was about the work-related logistics. But as soon as I read it, I thought “Ah, the comments section is going to be full of people confidently announcing that they would hate a surprise trip or indeed any big surprise and therefore no one else including OP’s partner could possibly enjoy the idea,” and lo and behold.

          5. Roland*

            I mean, it’s simply accurate of the commentariat as a whole. Someone is always gonna say that not everyone can eat sandwiches and extroverts should know we all hate sandwiches actually.

        4. Betsy S*

          I read these as “I hate this so your partner *might*” – which is different.

          And honestly, some people DO have a hard time understanding that what they think of as a great idea might not be right for their partner.

          The concept of ‘different love languages’ helped me , on this. I had a longterm relationship with someone who took a while to understand that I did NOT appreciate being surprised with work around the apartment, especially work that involved drilling holes – because in their family this was a way of showing affection.

      2. Guest*

        Some people don’t take thier partner’s preferences into consideration when planning things like this and I truly hope LW isn’t one of them.

      3. Nonanon*

        “My spouse of 50 years loves surprises, and has said that a surprise at work might be fun. I’d like to do this thing that they said they want. How do I coordinate it with their manager?”
        Comment section: I mean, are you sure your spouse actually wants this?

        This wasn’t a question about the surprise vacation, it was about the best way to coordinate it at work. Dear Abby can address “I love surprises but my husband doesn’t,” AAM can address coordinating PTO.

        1. AngryOctopus*

          Evidence not provided for first part of thesis. Also, still a really bad idea, based on thing Alison pointed out (work deadlines, important meetings, perhaps the only time they have blocked off to work on a big project before a meeting the next week). If you have to involve the manager, it’s not gonna be a good surprise, because it’s unlikely that you know everything about how they plan to cover their time off (for themselves). And a good manager would feel uncomfortable about doing this for those same reasons.

        2. YetAnotherAnalyst*

          I mean, there’s not that much to engage with if we restrict ourselves to how to coordinate this at work. The answer is: you can’t, unless your partner has a terrible manager.
          So comments are naturally going to focus on the surprise vacation bit, and they’re going to fall roughly into two camps – “that’s a lovely impulse but instead try X” or “this was a bad idea from the start because Y”.

      4. Hannah Lee*

        There are more people impacted by what the LW proposes than just the LW and their partner, though.

        The partner’s manager, for one. For the commentariat here, it’s relatively low stakes to take the LW at their word, good faith that they know their partner would like this.
        If I were the partner’s manager, I would not want to be put in the position of weighing whether or not I should do that, for all the reasons Alison mentions.

        The upside of my employee potentially being joyfully surprised for a few minutes “yay! I get to go on an unexpected vacation today!” does not balance out the potential, possibly lingering, downsides if my employee does not appreciate the surprise for any number of reasons, sees this as a override of their autonomy RE how they spend their vacation days and that’s before you get into the potential hassle for my other employees – surprise!- having to cover for their co-workers. (or the weirdness, stress, distraction of me and the rest of my department trying to keep this secret in the days leading up to to the surprise if I loop them in)

        Plus personally for me … and studies indicate this is the case for many people … a huge part of the satisfaction / benefit of vacations is the anticipation of them, being excited, looking forward to the experience and the enjoyment of it.

    4. Babbalou*

      Many years ago, one of my good friend’s boyfriends decided to throw a surprise party for her on her birthday. (We were college students at the time.) He told her he was taking her to dinner and named the fanciest restaurant in the city.

      She got her hair done, bought a new dress and was totally ready for a fancy night on the town – but he said he had to stop at his place first.

      Even with all her friends there, it took a while for her to realize that they were NOT going out to the fancy restaurant and she was not happy. And she was totally dressed up while everyone else was casually dressed.

      A well-intentioned, clueless former boyfriend.

      1. Ineffable Bastard*

        A former neighbour, who is now in his late fifties, once shot down the building’s idea of having a surprise party for his wife. He knew that her, a Black woman with a complicate relationship with her hair, would want to take time and style it for the occasion. It was so thoughtful of him, in my opinion, and the neighbours compromised by doing small surprises IN the party (people she loved and who lived very far so she did not expect, special foods, etc).

        To the LW: please never involve your partner’s workplace/manager in any surprises. Ask her if she would like to go on a little surprise getaway, and if she say yes let her know the kind of climate/activities she can expect (she knows better what she prefers to wear, what is not too large or too small in the moment, and whether she needs period products) and how much time off she needs to take, and let her handle that. That you make all the plans, handle the bookings and surprise her with little romantic things will be more than enough :)

      3. Language Lover*

        I remember reading a Reddit (I think?) thread on AITA where a boyfriend did a surprise ‘getaway’ for his girlfriend immediately after proposing and got mad she didn’t appreciate it.

        The more posters interrogated him about the getaway (which luckily was within driving distance from their home), the more details they found out. It turns out she was mad because he hadn’t brought some things she’d want to have on an overnight. For instance, he brought pajamas and a toothbrush but not her makeup remover, contact lens holder, nightly meds…etc. She made him drive her home.

        He indeed was determined to be TA.

      1. Magc*

        I read somewhere that an important part of the psychological good that vacations do includes the _anticipation_ of the vacation, so I wouldn’t want to skip that part.

    6. Artemesia*

      This would be a red flag for me that the person asking is abusive. Maybe not. Maybe just naive and focused on the gift. BUT this is super controlling — to go to someone’s boss and try to arrange something in their workplace.

      Imagine a woman who is thinking of ending a relationship and suddenly finds her soon to be ex is manipulating her workplace.

      1. what!*

        If he was controlling or abusive, he wouldn’t be asking here whether it would be okay to do this.

        1. Isben Takes Tea*

          I can see Artemesia making their comment in the vein of “if I were a manager and received this request directly, this would be a flag for me,” rather than “this question to an advice columnist is a flag that OP is abusive.”

    8. Full time reader, part time commenter*

      My niece’s husband surprised her with a weekend away. He even showed her the suitcase that he packed for her. Not a fan of surprises, especially about having had him choose clothing for her (yeah, that’s what it really is when someone packs a case for you), she was so uncomfortable and felt the need to minimize it since he went to so much trouble. Needless to say, it hasn’t happened since. It seems like such a romantic idea, but it ain’t for everyone!

      1. Peachie*

        My partner did this with Paris and I LOVED it! It was honestly a dream come true. My only problem was that she forgot my jumper so I was pretty cold in November!

    9. Chauncy Gardener*

      Omg. I hate surprises with the heat of a thousand suns. My husband doing this kind of thing would put a serious strain on our relationship!

    10. WillowSunstar*

      Also, I hope you know your partner well enough that the destination is somewhere they would enjoy. For example, some people are introverts and might not enjoy a crowded concert.

      But then there’s always the people with health issues, etc. who need to be able to have things with them like meds and stuff when they travel, too. So hopefully none of that’s an issue, either. I know when having a bad eczema flare up, before being properly treated, wouldn’t have wanted to go anywhere because the stuff originally prescribed made me sleepy and had to take it at at like 9 pm for it to work by a certain point.

    11. BW*

      I HATE surprises. A surprise trip would be even worse. I haven’t packed. I haven’t shaved my legs or done my nails in advance. I haven’t gotten my work in a good place to leave it for a few days.

      You know what I DO like? ANTICIPATION. Tell me you’re taking me on a trip and where we’re going, so I can LOOK FORWARD TO IT!!!! That’s half the fun. The anticipation!

      1. allathian*

        Yes, this.

        When my friend got married, it was a lunch wedding and they basically went to the airport after cutting the cake and changing into travel clothes in the bathroom. He’d only told her to pack for a Mediterranean vacation and she only found out where they were going when they got to the airport.

        If that had happened to me, I would’ve seriously considered getting an annulment.

        I’m glad I’m not in a surprise party culture because surprises make me anxious, even supposedly happy ones. The more predictable my life is, the better I like it. Sure, as a parent, I know that some surprises are unavoidable, but I’d rather avoid those I can.

        So I hope the LW knows from previous experience that their partner likes surprises.

        1. Lenora Rose*

          I could handle not knowing the details as long as I had some input into the general concept, but this requires both a level of absolute trust that the other person really does know me that well.

        2. Tinkerbell*

          My brother and SIL really DID do a surprise honeymoon! Her mom works for an airline so my brother and SIL can fly standby for super-cheap. They packed for somewhere warm, got their passports in order, drove to the airport, then took the first flight to somewhere warm they could get on. They ended up going to Costa Rica and having a lovely time :-P

          1. allathian*

            That sounds like fun because the final destination was a surprise for both of them. In my friend’s case, her husband did all the planning. But he knew her rather well, they got married in their mid-20s but had been “dating” since middle school and they’d lived together for a few years before getting married. 20+ years later, they’re still married with two teenagers, the older kid just went to college.

            I’m a planner so I wouldn’t enjoy that because the planning and anticipation is half the fun for me.

    13. Lenora Rose*

      One of my coworkers did this over Christmas; his partner woke him at apparently 3 AM Christmas Eve for a surprise flight to Vegas. His partner had already packed everything they’d need besides his personal items.

      No surprise, they’re a young couple (early 30s) with no kids and family out of country so their passports are always up to date.

      I was not at all envious, and not just because Vegas is incredibly low on my destination choices. I don’t have enough tolerance for that big a surprise, and I’d hate being woken in the middle of the night for it most of all.

      Thankfully, my husband is if anything more of a planner.

    14. Bruce*

      I think Alison’s advice is perfect in this respect. A lot of people prefer being asked what they want rather than being surprised.

  73. kiki*

    Completely understand the sentiment, but completely surprising your partner with a vacation really doesn’t work well in real life for most folks.

    If your partner does really like surprises, keep in mind that you could keep the location, activities, or anything else a secret even if your partner knows about the dates. For me, this would be the right balance of surprise— I’d know to prep ahead at work and that I should leave time in my schedule to pack, but I’d still get some fun surprises in.

  74. Nancy*

    A better way to do it is to either:

    1. ask your partner if they can take off the dates, but don’t say why.
    2. Surprise them with the trip now (we are going to X for Y days!) and let them choose the time that works best for them (and you).

  75. Spicy Tuna*

    I hate, hate, hate hate traveling and in every relationship – friends or significant others – I always use work as an excuse to avoid having to go anywhere. I’ll even stay late at work to avoid having to meet up for dinner or drinks out!! I would be very upset if my partner and manager conspired against me in this manner!

    1. allathian*

      I enjoy meeting up for dinner or drinks out, but yeah, in general travel isn’t incredibly high on my list of priorities. I find it exhausting, frankly, and whenever I travel, I have to count on having at least as much time off work to recover from the trip. I’m not in the US so I have plenty of PTO, but even so. My husband enjoys travel and we compromise by going on a trip during the first week of my long summer vacation, that way I’ll have plenty of time to recover and enjoy my staycation afterwards. If I lived alone, I’d probably never travel anywhere, certainly not internationally. I did enough traveling when I was younger and had more energy, and was single or at least didn’t have a kid, to last me a lifetime.

  76. Figaro*

    No for all the reasons Alison said.

    But also, you ask Alison to arbitrate whether this is an acceptable thing to do. Even if Alison had said “yes this is fine in my opinion”, your partner may have her view on whether it’s fine with her, and you can only know that by talking to her.

    I assume if you’re planning a surprise you know she likes surprises and wants this trip, but I would suggest exploring in more detail what that means. Where are the boundaries between “great surprise” and “wtf are you doing”? Does she in general have a view on people contacting their partner’s employers? What’s her relationship to her job? Does she ever prioritise work things over personal things? (Very, very normal to do so and you wouldn’t necessarily know if she had a work thing happening that was a priority for her, even if her boss did feel someone else could cover).

    Very few people love all and every surprise, regardless of context. Find out more about her general values on this if you are thinking of planning surprises.

  77. Catalyst*

    Alison’s advice is spot on. My spouse and I have both done this with each other, just say I’m planning something for us, can you take X day(s) off. The actual thing is still a surprise and it was great. :)

  78. Demure & Mindful*

    This exact situation happened to me as a manager and it was even more awkward than Alison notes. I’d known the employee maybe a year at most and had never met or spoken with her partner. Add to that the fact that a couple years priors at a previous firm, an employee died very suddenly and it was their partner who called with the awful, out of the blue news–I about had a heart attack when I picked up a call from an unknown number that started, “Hi, I’m [employee’s] partner…” OOF.

  79. JaketheSnake*

    While I appreciate that LW means well, this is wildly inappropriate. Never communicate with your partners supervisor behind their back, and this is even more true to using their PTO for them.
    As a supervisor I would NEVER allow anyone but my employee to take PTO days for my employee.
    Surprise trips are generally a terrible idea, and not something adults do to other adults, no matter how well intentioned.
    If you want to treat your partner to a long weekend to celebrate a birthday, do that, but include them in the process. Otherwise, I’m assuming this is a trip LW wants but is not so sure their partner feels the same.

  80. Lucie*

    This happened to me! A friend of mine (not a romantic partner) persuaded my boss to ‘send me on leave’ for a week in the mountains, along with her, a few mutual friends, and my very young sister. She even reached out to some of my other friends who didn’t know her, but they understandably declined since they couldn’t afford the contribution she asked for. This all took place during an extremely busy and stressful work season, supposedly to celebrate my birthday (which I never celebrate because I dislike the attention). I HATED IT. I still hate it nearly 15 years later. We’re no longer friends – not because of this incident, but because she later became extremely problematic and, frankly, insane.

  81. nnn*

    The thing about this situation from the manager’s point of view is, if the manager were to go along with this plan, they’d be sticking their neck out and circumventing existing systems and structures on behalf of this person they’ve just met who claims they’re an employee’s partner in order to achieve something they don’t even know if their employee consents to. That is rather risky, and if they get it wrong there’s huge reputational damage.

    In contrast, if they simply say “Our policy is that employees have to make their own leave request. There’s no mechanism for circumventing that.” That’s a zero-risk statement of fact.

  82. suprise surprise*

    I never get this. How is it a “surprise” the day before but not a “surprise” a month before? It’s just a different date when you reveal it. It doesn’t make it less of a surprise when it’s revealed.

    1. Ginger Cat Lady*

      And it’s nice to have a little time to anticipate the trip, make sure you have clothes that work for the trip, etc.

  83. McS*

    Full agree with Alison. if I got your email, my response would be no, and I will have to tell your partner I got this email. If you got her coworker to ask, my response as her manager would be no, but I wouldn’t have to tell your partner about that conversation. If I were the coworker, I’d also say no, partially because I’d hate it if my partner did this to me, but Al’s because I’d look like an idiot asking my boss for something she couldn’t say yes to.

  84. Critical Rolls*

    I did this once for my then-partner! But… we were 20 at the time, and their work was strictly “find coverage,” and I knew they would be happy with the surprise. This is really not something to try with mid-career or project-based jobs. At most, *if* you already have a line of communication with your spouse’s supervisor, maybe ask if a window of time would be generally good. Like, do you know of any conflicts in early October type of thing. At most.

  85. NurseThis*

    I’ve been a manager and I’ve worked for many. Most have tooooo much on their plate to get dragged into domestic planning. I sure did. In my house our work lives were planned out a year in advance. I would personally not want to get whisked away anywhere but to each their own.

  86. Ginger Cat Lady*

    “surprises” can be manipulative as hell, and the deeper the partner wants to keep the secret, the more suspect it is. So going behind her back to use her PTO the way *you* want her to is not a good look. It screams of “I don’t want to tell her until it’s a done deal and she can’t change anything.”
    And if you’re paying for this out of any joint funds, you’re overstepping. Watch the SNL sketch where the dad surprises his wife with a new car on Christmas and it doesn’t go over well.
    Maybe you’re just really naive. Maybe you need to do some serious introspection.
    Just plan the trip together and let her manage her job all by herself. Even if that means you have to compromise on location, duration & activities. If she would rather you plan the trip alone, fine. But she should have that choice, and SHE gets to decide how to use her PTO.

  87. Misty Quigley*

    I did this for my fiancé’s bachelor party. Granted, I knew the groomsman were coming to “kidnap” him early afternoon, so I asked the boss if he could take a half day that Friday. His Boss said “Fiance is a great employee who can have all the time off he wants for his Bachelor party.”

    So, it worked out for me. Fiance was so surprised and had a great weekend.

    I understand Alison’s response and why other people have reservations, but I’d probably do it again.

  88. WantonSeedStitch*

    Assuming good intent by the OP: let’s say they know their wife likes surprises and really just want to surprise her with something they have every reason to believe she will truly enjoy. It’s still putting her in a tough situation. She will, after all, have to pack for travel, and might want to make sure she can find/launder appropriate clothes and maybe stock up on some toiletries she’s running out of before she leaves. Best thing you can do is tell her “I want to take you somewhere for your birthday, but I want the trip to be a surprise. Can you get Friday and Monday [dates] off from your boss so we can make a long weekend of it? If you can get those days off, you’ll need clothes for warm weather: one outfit that’s OK for a fancy restaurant, but the rest can be casual. Make sure you have comfy walking shoes.” That way, she has time to plan and pack and anticipate and wonder what they have planned.

    1. Wolf*

      This is how it’s done! Know your partner and what they need and like, and be thoughtful about planning.

  89. Apple maker*

    You could plan a trip somewhere local, (like camping or something very low key) and surprise your partner with a way fancier trip. That way they know they have the time off already and aren’t worrying about work, but are also surprised by your trip.

    1. allathian*

      No, that’s nearly as bad as doing the reverse. The things I’d pack for a camping trip (assuming my bad back could tolerate sleeping on the ground or in a cot, which it doesn’t) would be different from what I’d pack for a fancier trip.

      1. amoeba*

        I’d assume they’d tell them in time for packing the correct stuff, not when they’re already out of the door! For blocking the time off (and then revealing the surprise a day or two before), I can see this working quite well.

  90. Daria grace*

    In addition to all of what Alison said, you’re also potentially burning her relational capital in the workplace in ways she might not want to. I was once in an (admittedly dysfunctional) workplace that generally required leave to be approved many months in advance. Trying to get leave approved at short notice for a non-emergency situation would have really rocked the boat. You won’t know what trouble you’re causing

  91. Formerly Ella Vader*

    I got a request like this. I felt put on the spot and I’m still a bit annoyed at them for asking and at myself for having trouble saying no.

    What I ended up saying was No, that’s not appropriate. However, she can contact me herself to ask for the days off on short notice, if she wants them.

  92. LL*

    I like small stakes surprises, but I would hate to be surprised with a trip. I need to mentally prepare to go on a trip, even if it’s just for a weekend. What if I’m having a tough/busy week and was looking forward to relaxing and decompressing over the weekend? the trip interferes with that.

  93. El l*

    Here’s my statement of why not:

    Because as their manager, I’m dealing directly with them. Barring the odd emergency where theyre in hospital and unable to speak for themselves, I’m not routing our dealings thru their spouse, partner, brother, or parents. Especially when it’s a (small) question of their compensation, which is how I fundamentally treat PTO.

    That’s a request they – and not their partner – has to make.

  94. Charley*

    At the least I think this would be a security issue that most workplaces wouldn’t want to deal with. Don’t put them in the position of having to vet whom to give information about employee schedules out to.

  95. AF Vet*

    I’m going to add my two cents as someone who successfully pulled this off. Back when my husband and I were both active duty, I asked his boss if he could coordinate leave for my husband and explained what I wanted to do. Boss did as I asked without giving hubby the heads up or showing me any qualms. BUT here are my caveats –

    * Hubby was coming home from deployment and TECHNICALLY already off. He was not supposed to go to work but needed to coordinate if he was going outside the travel radius. Therefore it wasn’t so much asking leave as it was asking to extend his travel bubble.

    * I had to provide our hotel info to extend the bubble, which would have given away where we were going, and possibly why.

    * It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and hubby never would have done anything to actually GO to it. Think the original cast of Hamilton coming back for ONE show – and you can get fourth row tickets.

    * I had just come home from my own REALLY lousy deployment, and his boss understood what was going on.

    * His boss and boss’ wife were friends of ours. We had already gone on many outings the unit put together, etc. He and I both knew my husband would adore the idea, but hadn’t been in the country to think it over, buy tickets, etc. I considered this asking my friend for a favor, rather than going to husband’s boss, if that makes sense?

    In our case it worked out splendidly. Hubby and I had a blast, boss-man got to play the hero and get a fun trinket, no harm / no foul.

    BUT this was a unique situation in an incredibly stressful time with a unique unit. I would not have asked this favor of many of his superiors over the years. Boss-man was special.

  96. Need To Know*

    I hate surprises. I generally even hate surprises in the form of gifts because the vast majority of the time they are just wrong and usually cost way too much to have been so wrong.

    When I was still working a demanding job in the financial services sector, I would have to plan for weeks to take off one week and then would have to spend the next couple of weeks afterwards practically living at work to make up for it. I used to joke that when asked for my address the first thing that came to mind was the address of my company.

  97. r.*

    Where I work PTO is just as much of a contractual entitlement I owe to the employee as their wage; I could no more approve PTO requested by anyone else but the employee than I could pay their wage to any account other than the account the employee specified.

  98. Wendy Darling*

    I am also team ebook, which I felt sort of bleh about until we moved house this week.

    My spouse has like 15 boxes of books to deal with and I have two. Now I feel great. I do buy hardback copies of my very favorite books from a local bookstore, both to support my local bookstore and so if all technology fails I’ll still have them.

    Also I am totally a person who will put my dog on camera, please just tell me you do not have time for dog time if you do not have time for dog time.

    1. Wendy Darling*

      I’m not even gonna try to figure out how I replied to the wrong entire post, I am just going to take it as a sign I need to take a walk.

  99. Clisby*

    I can’t imagine what kind of nutty workplace would let *you* book time off for your partner. No. Just no. Don’t even try.

  100. Isabel Archer*

    I would very much like to see an elaborate musical number about whether or not Bob intentionally dropped an egg on Mary’s head.

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