I’m worried a wedding vendor will complain about me to my boss

by Alison Green on August 21, 2024

A reader writes:

This starts with my wedding. To make a very long story short, my wedding dress alterations were a complete disaster. The seamstress produced such awful work that I had to have an emergency appointment with another shop to fix the dress, just days before my wedding. The new seamstress showed me how my $5,000 dress had been totally butchered. She was able to save it with some incredible work, though, and it turned out so beautifully.

So, how this relates to work: I’m an events manager for a local nonprofit. After the wedding, I sought a partial refund for the botched alterations. Turns out, the shop owner, Abby, is completely unhinged. She went off the rails, accusing me and my mother of lying about our experience, and making blatantly, provably false claims. After almost two weeks of abhorrent emails from her, I decided to drop the request — it was still a huge amount of money, but I just don’t have the capacity for stress right now, during a busy season at work and a move into a new home. Plus, she had roped in my grandmother as well, and I was very worried about my sickly grandmother dealing with awful emails calling her granddaughter all sorts of horrible, childish-bully type names.

I emailed Abby that while I found her correspondence completely unacceptable, I was dropping the refund request to avoid further stress on my family. I asked that she stop all contact with my family and assured her that we would also stop contact with the shop. I got yet another unhinged email back, saying we were “dishonest people” and she would “MAYBE CONSIDER” stopping contact if we proved that we wouldn’t contact them further. What? But whatever, fine. My relatives and I completely stopped responding to her.

Today, after much reflection, I took a deep breath and wrote a one-star review on Google. I knew it would be seen by bananapants Abby, but I felt it was important — her shop produced horrendous, expensive work, and then attacked my family when I asked for a partial refund. If I’m not getting money back, I’m at least going to post about my experience. Almost immediately, Abby emailed that she was filing a police report against me, as a negative review is harassment. I audibly laughed and shrugged it off. I called the local police just to make sure, and they basically laughed too, assuring me there’s nothing Abby can actually do.

My concern is that Abby mentioned twice, in email, that she knows I work in events, and that I’m a “scourge” on the name of the industry. She went on to say that my “lies” and “manipulation” tell of my reputation. I never mentioned where I work, but honestly, I’m a little concerned that this woman may look me up and call my workplace. My boss would definitely laugh in her face, but still, I don’t love the idea of some unstable lady being out to get me professionally. Maybe I’m wrong — I’m almost wondering if she assumed I’m a wedding planner, and thus competition for the planning arm of her business, and that’s part of the reason she was so vile.

I should mention, one of my coworkers is aware of the situation. She used to be a paralegal, so I asked her to look over the correspondence and tell me if I needed to be concerned (for the record, she thinks I have a harassment case against the shop). But do I need to mention this to my boss, as a heads-up? Or would that do more harm than good? I don’t plan on mentioning this to my vendors — they all know me well and I don’t think they’d be fazed by Abby, if she ever unearthed any connections. I don’t want to run a smear campaign. I just want this to be over, without worrying about harm to my reputation.

You don’t need to mention this to your boss, but you can if it will bring you peace of mind.

Personally, I will nearly always try to find a way to say the potentially awkward thing in order to buy the peace of mind that comes with not having to worry about it after that. Worded something strangely and worried later that the person took it wrong? I’ll go back and clarify. Accidentally hugged the CEO in the elevator because it looked like they were initiating an embrace when they weren’t? I’d speak up. Concerned something weird and misleading will make its way to my boss and I want to ensure they know the real story? I’ll tell them. It can make for a mildly awkward conversation sometimes, but 100% of the time I’ve been glad I’ve done it — because it’s a chance to make sure the other person isn’t left with the wrong idea about something I care about. And even when it’s turned out they didn’t have the mistaken impression I was worried they’d have, I’ve still been glad I didn’t need to worry about it anymore.

So in this case, I’d say something! It doesn’t need to be a big deal — just, “Hey, I have a weird situation. I asked my wedding dress seamstress for a partial refund for botched alterations and left an honest review, and she’s gone off the rails — bombarding me with hostile emails and harassing my family. I’m hopeful it’s over but she’s unhinged enough that I wouldn’t put it past her to try to contact my workplace. So I wanted to give you a heads-up in case she does.” (And make a point of saying “wedding dress seamstress,” not “vendor.” Since you work in events, I don’t want your boss to have even a minute of thinking, “Oh no, could this affect our rep with other vendors?”)

You’re already confident your boss would laugh in Abby’s face if she did contact her, but I think you’ll feel better getting it out in the open and then not having to worry about it.

On the other hand, not everyone shares my bias toward “just say the thing and get peace of mind.” When you envision having this conversation, if you feel dread rather than relief, it would also be fine to just leave it alone and give your boss the context only if it ever does come up — which it’s very likely not to.

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  1. Bird names*

    +1 to Alison, especially her last sentence is gold.
    I’m sorry you had to deal with this, LW. Fingers crossed that your paths do not cross further and that you can put this out of your mind.

        3. Princess Sparklepony*

          And now I’m wondering if there really is a small water industry… and what it would encompass.

  2. Ex-prof*

    I know the LW probably doesn’t want to take this any further, but if in the US, opening a complaint with the Better Business Bureau is another way to address this.

    1. Peanut Hamper*

      This was my first thought as well. Also, maybe, the local Chamber of Commerce? They certainly don’t want this blight on their escutcheon.

          1. linger*

            N.B. your escutcheon is (literally) your family shield or coat of arms, (figuratively) your family reputation, so an unrelated person can’t normally be described as a blight (or blot) on yours.
            Think of it as the upper-class version of “a stain on my underpants”.

            1. Peanut Hamper*

              Fun fact! “Escutcheon” also refers to that metal plate that goes around a keyhole or doorknob. As these are also things that are seen regularly, you normally don’t want them to get scratched or dinged either.

                1. Elizabeth West*

                  LOL I was so proud at work that I knew what an escutcheon was when I had to deal with plumbing specifications.

            2. stratospherica*

              So basically, if I embarrass myself in public, I can say “this is going to be a blight on my escutcheon!”

    2. JHunz*

      The Better Business Bureau is strongly rooted in the US, but it’s important to note that it’s a scam that sells good ratings. Complaints against businesses that are paying the BBB are dropped even if they are legitimate, and complaints against businesses that are not paying the BBB are left active even if they are incredibly obviously fraudulent, unreasonable, or impossible.

      Some businesses do care about their BBB rating, but it’s important to note that if they have decided they don’t care there’s absolutely nothing the BBB can do to them, because all they are is a private business.

      2. Tobias Funke*

        Thank you for posting this! I wish more people had this info. The BBB is just another scam.

        1. Polly*

          I didn’t know this. So where can I look to find out if a business is legit? I’m sure there are sites I’m not aware of to check this sort of thing. Yelp? Google reviews?

          1. Susan*

            I stopped using Twitter a while ago, but when I was on it, I found that calling out a company that I had a problem with got a better response than any other way.

            1. Artemesia*

              THIS. Many companies monitor twitter and so a whine on twitter will often get action that contacting the company doesn’t

      3. Hell in a Handbasket*

        I think it’s still worth a try. We had a horrible situation with Home Depot once, and they ignored all our emails/phone calls/etc. The only thing that got their attention was a BBB complaint.

        1. Green Tea*

          Yeah it’s definitely worth a try. I had a complaint against Target get resolved (they’d sold a gift card that was compromised before being sold) because I lodged a complaint with the BBB when they had previously told me they had no intention of helping me. It might not always work, but it works enough of the time to be worth trying it.

        2. Random Biter*

          Same here with PayPal. It took an email to the BBB in their corporate’s location to finally get a (laughable) settlement without having to battle PayPal’s AI nation.

        3. The Rafters*

          Instead of contacting the BBB, if a complaint is egregious enough or the company is large enough to care, people can contact their state’s Attorney General’s office.

          1. Female canine*

            This is extremely effective. So far have done it with my trash company that missed 16 pickups in 12 months but wouldn’t credit me for them and a fraudulent credit card processor. It’s faster and easier than dealing with the company.

          2. Colette*

            When I worked in executive customer service, both complaints to the attorney general and the BBB came to us.

          3. Elizabeth West*

            Yep, I had to do this once when one of our people at OldExjob picked up an incoming call and unwittingly agreed to one of those newsletter scams, the one where they get you to agree to a free trial of a (usually nonexistent) newsletter and then send you a bill for $600 and harass you until you pay it. It was the only thing that made the scammers go away.

        4. Pierrot*

          This happened to me with a creditor that tried collecting a debt of about $300 that I had paid off. I sent proof of payment and crickets. I emailed again to ask about the status of my proof of payment (I basically just wanted them to confirm that it was paid off). Silence. I was aware that the BBB has no real authority, but I saw that the creditor did respond to complaints on their. I wrote in a complaint that this business is trying to collect on debts that have already been paid for which seems scammy to me, and I wanted them to stop trying to collect on something I paid for, confirm I paid for it, confirm that they will not report it as a debt to any credit reporting agencies, and never contact me again. Lo and behold, I got a response from a lawyer a week later after several weeks of being ignored. They admitted that they made a mistake and did everything else I asked for.

          That said, this was a large company. I don’t think that complaining about a local seamstress who seems unhinged to the BBB will do anything more than writing a bad review already accomplished. BBB is good if you’ve tried going through customer service channels at a bigger company and it’s not working AND you can see that the business responds to complaints. The things I was asking for were reasonable and I had proof that I was right, so it was pretty cut and dry.

      4. I'm A Little Teapot*

        Also, who actually looks at/cares about BBB tends to be generational. The older you are, the more likely you are to think about it.

        Yelp, google reviews, etc are far more impactful for many.

      6. Stipes*

        Yeah. The BBB was talked about as if it were almost a government entity for a long time, but it’s nothing but a pre-internet Yelp, even before you get to how extensively corrupt its listings are.

      8. Celestialisms*

        It may be a scam for the business, but it can and does have good results for customers. (Source: I submitted a BBB complaint and it finally resolved my issue.)

      9. Dandylions*

        That wasn’t my experience with BBB.

        I had a contractor dodge me for months after some shoddy gutter work. I posted a BBB complaint and next day they called and scheduled to come fix it. After they fixed it they responded to my complaint on the site that they fixed it and attached photos.

    3. 3-Foot Tall Inflatable Rainbow Unicorn*

      Seconded. This kind of thing is exactly what the BBB is supposed to be for.

    4. Pay no attention...*

      I would say that BBB was the same as a google review, or yelp, before there was an internet. It was an org founded to give customers a way to report to someone (gestures vaguely) bad customer service or products that didn’t amount to a legal case. Now that we have internet reviews, BBB is obsolete and, as JHunz said, a bit of a racketeering scam mostly for the small businesses who pay them — since customers aren’t the ones getting taken by the BBB.

    5. Slightly Less Evil Bunny*

      Also, she should check out whether she can report the business to her state’s Attorney General’s office. At least in some states, you can file complaints with them in addition to filing with a Chamber of Commerce.

      1. Quill*

        If LW doesn’t want to seek any sort of refund, that avenue may be limited. So definitely look up what the Attorney General will do in your location!

    6. Overit*

      Totally useless. The BBB will then call Abby and ask if she wants to “improve” her rating with a “donation.”
      That is what BBB does and has for quite some time.

      1. Bilateralrope*

        Abby will probably have another reaction to that. Though not one the LW is likely to hear about.

    7. Worldwalker*

      The best way I’ve seen it put: The BBB is Yelp for old people.

      All they do is keep ratings on businesses for people who want to look them up, and apparently now a business can pay them to remove negative ratings. But all they’ve ever been is a company that keeps ratings based on customer complaints, and they have no more power to do anything than, well, Yelp does. Probably less, because a lot more people check Yelp.

    8. BatManDan*

      BBB is legalized mafia; mostly toothless unless you are the business being “defamed.” Plus, I’m betting this seamstress is a member of neither the local BBB or the local Chamber of Commerce, which means neither org will care in the slightest.

      1. Princess Sparklepony*

        Although if she’s not a member, the BBB may have no problem going against her since it doesn’t hurt them in the slightest and makes them look tough. Like they actually do something.

    1. ferrina*

      Yeah, this is so awful! Poor LW!

      LW, you did nothing wrong. It sounds like your boss will absolutely understand this (especially if you say “wedding dress seamstress”, as Alison suggested- that was a really good point). Tell your boss, and protect yourself. Good luck!

      1. 1LFTW*

        Yes, I think that wording helps, and I think it would help to mention specifically that her elderly grandmother was tracked down and targeted as well. It goes to her willingness to escalate and involve people who had nothing to do with the initial dispute, like LW’s workplace.

  4. CityMouse*

    FWIW if this happened to my employee and I got contacted, I WOULD tell them but only to let them know I’d be happy to provide a statement to the police or court to establish they were being harassed.

  5. Czhorat*

    People aren’t rational, but my gut feeling is that the crazy vendor isn’t going to say anything if OP doesn’t keep pursuing the refund; it was probably a threat to stop legal action or any other escalations.

    My money says that this is a case in which they’ll go away if you ignore them

    1. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

      We lived through a similar situation with our one-woman-business wedding cake vendor. Delivered cake was 1/4 the size we paid for and looked nothing like what we ordered. Our venue was awesome and was able to supplement with fancy cupcakes day-of on short notice. My spouse was devastated, it “ruined the day” as the story is told, but once we decided to just write it off (figuratively) and drop our complaint, we haven’t heard from the cake vendor in almost 10 years.

      1. Shift Work*

        My mom had the reverse happen, she was the one woman cake vendor. She delivered exactly what was ordered and the bride was pleased. Weeks later, the unhinged mother of the bride started calling demanding a full refund for some inane reason. (again, bride had no issues) My mom was really rattled by the experience at first, but then not long after learned that the mother of the bride had contacted EVERY involved vendor, including the venue, with thin to imaginary “complaints” looking to recoup as much of the $$ as possible across the board. Some people are just awful humans.

        1. Strawberry Snarkcake*

          How can someone have no shame like that. I would be so embarrassed if I were the bride.

          1. allathian*

            I’m certain the bride was embarrassed, but she may have simply shrugged. This won’t have been the first time she’s been embarrassed by her mom’s actions.

      2. kalli*

        The florist who took my sister-in-law’s bouquet to be preserved “forgot” to mount it and just gave it back freezedried but in a box. It started fading and moulting right away. No other florist would touch it, saying it was too fragile to be mounted since it hadn’t been reassembled straight out of the freezer.
        I complained, she tried to say I hadn’t requested it be mounted (I did, multiple times, but she didn’t write it down, and then she kept it a month out of the freezer before wiring it and skipped the part where she confirmed how it was to be wired. um.).

        There was a review on her facebook.

        Her facebook is now gone.

        There was a review on her google page.

        Her google listing is now gone.

        etc.

        My dad tried to make a shadow box for it but we now have a box to store all the moultings in instead. We tried to put it in plastic like with my mum’s bouquet… that also didn’t work out.

        It’s ten years and I still hold a grudge. But the florist!? Apparently fine with no social media or internet.

    2. MsM*

      Or there are enough other people who’ve had issues with her/the craziness is evident enough in how she talks about the situation that everyone will just take her comments with a dump truck worth of salt anyway.

    3. Pay no attention...*

      Unless there are omitted details about the OPs behavior, I’m not even sure what “dropping the refund request” would literally mean in this situation. Unless the refund request was formal — like through OPs credit card company or small claims court — there’s no formal dropping it that I can see … All that to say, this sounds like the type of person who actually might randomly start up the concerning behavior again and I think the OP should take Alison’s advice about warning a few key people, like her boss, just in case.

      2. Jaina Solo*

        I was actually wondering how OP had paid because most CC companies will let you report an issue. And with all the emails/other correspondence from the seamstress, OP has plenty for their dispute team to sort it out.

        One time, I didn’t even have proof of correspondence and Discover still took over talking to the vendor and got me a full refund. (I think it was the fact that the company didn’t give me a quote or amount and then did “extra” that sunk them, but however, it worked out.)

        1. Non non non all the way home*

          It’s not the same with all CC companies. I had a situation where I had paid a deposit to a plumber who not only hadn’t done the work 4 months after the agreed date, he had closed his retail location, cancelled his business phone, and moved to a different city over a thousand miles away. When I disputed the transaction on the basis that the plumber hadn’t done the work and was no longer in business, BMO Mastercard refused to refund me because the plumber replied by email to them saying he still intended to come and do the work. Spoiler alert: the work never got done.

      3. kalli*

        If it’s a formal chargeback, Paypal complaint, small claims, BBB, consumer affairs, state attorney general, whatever you don’t even have to deal with them directly – everyone talks through the organisation in the middle. If someone goes out of turn that gets held against them more than it does you.

        But agreeing *not to* generally comes with compensation for waiving that right. You don’t just give it up for nothing unless the whole process is too arduous – and people will absolutely go out of their way to make it so in order to push people over that line to get away with it.

    4. WellRed*

      I agree. Once you stop engaging with nut jobs like this, they’ll usually go away. At any rate, this is a lot of worry over someone who’s unlikely to follow up on ANY threats. If she dies, it will be clear to everyone she’s nuts. Don’t lose another wink of sleep OP. And congratulations!

      1. Worldwalker*

        They’ll usually go away, but there’s a minority of them who thrive on conflict and being “right.” Those ones will just keep coming, and if you give them whatever they’re demanding, that’s never enough and they’ll demand something more. What they want isn’t your review removed, or a letter of apology, or whatever they claim it is — they want the fight. Maybe they’re a variant of adrenaline junkie? With those people, usually nothing short of a C&D from an attorney will make them go away — and sometimes not even that. There have been cases of people like this who are so unhinged that they escalate to stalking. 99.9% of them are blowhards; 0.1% of them are a reason to contact a lawyer.

  6. Busy Middle Manager*

    You didn’t do anything wrong though?

    Sounds like the real problem is that you live somewhere small enough that you can call the police station and they answer and actually talk to you (not trying to be sarcastic but that type of phone call doesn’t work that way in most places), so you must be in a small city at most, more likely in a rural or small town area. So the real issue is gossip.

    But this type of gossip won’t make you look bad. In fact, you have usual information if you’re an event planner (even though you prob don’t event plan weddings)

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      This is far from universally true. I’m right outside D.C. in a very well-populated area and I can call the police and they answer and talk to me. Hell, they’ll send an officer to my house to talk to me if I want.

        1. Ally McBeal*

          I used to live in Queens and my local precinct was (is?) notorious for almost never picking up the phones, the implication being that other stations were notably better.

          1. Anonychick*

            Now I’m wondering which precinct that was, ’cause yeah: mine almost never answers their phone, but when I’ve had to call others, I’ve gotten through with no problem.

      2. H3llifIknow*

        Yeah we have the 911 emergency line, of course, but also a non-emergency line that I’ve used a couple of times, as well as an “information line” that is usually routed to the PR person, but who will talk to you and answer basic questions and route to a PO or whoever is the appropriate person.

        1. Hush42*

          During my (brief) stint at my local 911 I learned that, at least where I live, the “7 digit non-emergency” lines for our local police ring through to the 911 operators if no one at the precinct picks up or if it’s after hours. So, at least where I live, you would always end up talking to a person but that person might actually be a 911 phone operator.

      3. Education Mike*

        Meanwhile I live in a town of less that 5,000 people and you cannot get through to anyone in the police department, even on a week day. We had a breaking-and-entering situation and it was hell to try and get someone to answer the phone and update us on our case, or to follow up with anyone.

      4. Bitte Meddler*

        I’m in Dallas and not only will they not answer the phone, but the police won’t show up for anything that isn’t a life-threatening situation. Car side-swiped and the offender drove away? Go to your local police station and fill out the report yourself. Someone broke into your garage and stole all your tools? Same thing. [Both things happened to me, btw, so I’m speaking from personal experience.]

        And, even when you go to the nearest station, the desk sergeant is apt to tell you that a criminal matter is civil, and therefore you shouldn’t bother them. (True story. A friend of mine took a woman to small claims court and, after she lost the case, she tried — several times — to run my friend over in the court’s parking lot. The desk sergeant told my friend he couldn’t file a report over this woman’s criminal behavior because it was related to a civil matter. SMDH.).

    3. RagingADHD*

      I currently live in a medium sized city, but have also lived in both New York and Miami, and the neighborhood precinct always answered the non emergency number and would answer questions. When I witnessed a crime in New York, the detective who came to my home and interviewed me afterward gave me his cell number if I recalled any more details.

      Maybe it’s a resource issue where you live? You could try bringing it up with your city council.

  7. Peanut Hamper*

    When I saw this headline, I thought it might be a “bridezilla” type of situation. But nope, it’s a “sewsterzilla” type of situation.

    Quite frankly, the one star review was warranted. You did good here OP, by helping other people avoid this nightmare of a situation. Abby is….well, this is just bizarre behavior. “Bananapants” doesn’t even begin to cover it.

    1. I Super Believe In You, Tad Cooper*

      A full on three piece banana suit, probably with botched alterations.

      Totally agree; potential future customers need to know about how bad your experience was.

      2. Legally Brunette*

        *snort* I needed a laugh this hard this afternoon. The “with botched alterations” was what really sent me!

  8. AnonInCanada*

    I’m sorry for OP to have to deal with someone this unhinged. If Abby’s going to go nuclear on you because of your review citing your truthful experience, I’d go right back at her: sue in small claims court for the cost of the fixing the botched alteration, + all the emotional distress she caused (as proven by all those emails she sent you, your mother, and your grandmother [!!] over the whole ordeal.

    Too bad Judge Judy’s no longer airing new episodes. And no, Judy Justice doesn’t count: I want the cantankerous Queen B, not the tame imposter version. I would’ve loved to see Abby raked over the coals!

    1. the 1%**

      Do not do this. Lawsuits are incredibly stressful even in the best cases, and with a person like the seamstress, if you sue her she will make your life miserable in every possible way. Seeking revenge on someone like this will only make things worse.

      1. AnonInCanada*

        Understood. But, if Abby’s this shallow, and sues OP over some frivolous defamation claim due to the 1-star Google review, I would countersue for everything I stated above. Sure, the stress of a lawsuit may not be what OP wants to deal with. But Abby shouldn’t be able to get away with both her behaviour and her taking OP’s money and providing shoddy work, either.

        1. Indolent Libertine*

          No, she shouldn’t be able to get away with it, but how many more months of leveled-up harassment would OP and her entire family have to endure in the process? Abby is never going to agree that she was in the wrong. She’s gone this nuclear over a private refund request and an online review; how much farther might she go if OP actually took her to court? She sounds 100% capable of Godfather-horse-head type revenge. Being proven right is sometimes just not worth it.

          1. le sigh*

            I tend to agree. I’m going to guess the partial refund is in the neighborhood of a few thousand dollars — which is a lot, but probably not worth the harassment OP and their family will endure for it. It’s not fair in the least, but people like Abby cannot be reasoned with or even bested bc they usually live in their own reality and they’re often willing to go to great lengths to get their way. Even if OP won their case, I could see Abby refusing the pay, and then dragging this out even further, or call OP’s employer or post false things online.

            A thing I learned as I got older is that sometimes even if it’s not fair, it’s better for your own mental health to just drop the rope. OP posted something online and gave others a fair warning, which at this point, is a small bit of justice that allows them to keep their sanity.

          2. Aggretsuko*

            Yeah, this is what I thought reading it. Abby is unhinged and the benefit of warning others may very well be outweighed by a vindictive person who is striking out against you.

        2. Irish Teacher.*

          My guess is she has no intention of suing the OP or reporting her to the police. She is just hoping to scare the OP by making her wonder if she has done something actionable.

          1. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

            Exactly. Abbey’s just being aggressively abrasive to bully LW into accepting the status quo. If a lawsuit is filed, I would expect Abbey to ramp up the abuse, at least initially, to see if she can get LW to back down and go away.

        3. the 1%*

          IF she sues, the LW will have no choice but to further engage. But if just walking away is an option, it’s always the best choice with people like this.

          “But she shouldn’t be able to get away with it!” I agree, it’s unfortunate. But it’s not LW’s job to take on the role of Cosmic Justice Enforcer, and if they try, they will just bring more misery on themselves. Bill Eddy’s books on high conflict people are a good source here.

          1. Irish Teacher.*

            And honestly, I don’t think she will get away with it. The LW is definitely not going to use her business again and would probably warn anybody she knew not to either. And I doubt the LW is the only one who has had such an experience with her. Between her shoddy workmanship and her downright bizarre and intimidating behaviour, I find it hard to imagine her being in business long.

          2. AnonInCanada*

            Agreed! But if Abby throws the proverbial first punch by filing a frivolous lawsuit, then the gloves come off, and OP should counter-sue.

            Abby already caused the drama; it’s not like not countersuing isn’t going to make this any less dramatic. But it could mean OP will get her just deserts, and Abby will end up paying the price, both literally (judgement) and figuratively (by her already-tarnished reputation going further down the toilet when OP updates the 1-star Google review ;-D).

    2. anne of mean gables*

      Maybe I spent too much time on reddit forms because I find them fascinating, but one of my litmus tests for determining who is in the wrong in interpersonal disputes is: “Is one person involving family members who have no stake in the dispute?” Because if one person has involved extended family in a disagreement that they have no need to be involved in, IMO that person is almost always the most at fault in the dispute to begin with.

    3. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

      Fwiw, Judge Judy was binding arbitration for voluntarily diverted small claims cases. Sometimes the headache and stress of filing (especially in small claims, where you are self-represented) is not worth the possible damages.

      In this day and age, Yelp and Google are going to have the same, if not a more wide-ranging effect, as a Judy scolding. I feel for OP and hope Abby fades away.

      1. H3llifIknow*

        A coworker and his son went on Judge Judy. He told me all about it and it was fascinating. Also, she’s actually quite nice, although they “warn” parties that “she WILL probably yell at you, so be prepared.”

  9. Sparkles McFadden*

    I am in favor of saying something to your boss so you don’t have to worry about it anymore. It just has to be a quick remark as in: “I’m just giving you a heads up that an unhinged seamstress is threatening to call here. She massacred my wedding dress and I have been trying to get a refund.”

    My general guideline for communicating to the boss is that you don’t want your manager to get caught by surprise. If I were your manager, I’d want you to say something if only so you don’t feel as if you have something hanging over your head.

    1. Camellia*

      I like this script. Two sentences, to the point, in a ‘this is bananapants but oh well’ tone.

    2. Anon for this*

      Agreed. My friend was in a similar situation with an unhinged vendor seeking revenge for her truthful but unflattering review. The unhinged vendor called her boss. There was no fallout for my friend. All the vendor did is make herself look bad.

    3. RIP Pillowfort*

      This. I’ve had to give my boss so many heads up about angry contractors, members of the public, etc. It’s just arming them with information if they get called. Very rarely do any of them act on that.

      I’ve had sooo many people claim to know my boss that it’s kind of a running gag at this point.

      1. Laser99*

        “Oh, you know Bob?”
        “Uh, yeah. Bob. And he wouldn’t be pleased with how you’re treating me.”
        “Bob is the landscaper. My boss’s name is Elizabeth.”

        1. RIP Pillowfort*

          Hey the first time it happened I was working in a city 4 hours from where our offices were. Lady claimed she went to church with my boss and she was going to call him to tell him how disrespectful and awful I was.

          I called him up a few minutes after that interaction and he had a good laugh at the thought of anyone driving an 8 hour commute to go to church with him. He certainly wasn’t going to drive that far just to go to church.

      2. Worldwalker*

        The ones to worry about aren’t the ones who claim to know your boss and fling it around as a threat.

        The ones to worry about are the ones who do know your boss, say nothing to you, but bring it up with the boss later one.

        1. Artemesia*

          I saw a friend of the boss’s daughter ruin the career of someone. The person whose career was ruined had been hired and told to rein in the behavior of the friend of the boss’s daughter as she had been slacking and doing poor work. He did so. She whined to her friend who told her Mom who was the CEO. The CEO then casually mentioned it to her underling who initiated an investigation which cleared the guy. Then another one until they got the results they wanted and drove him out. I am not sure the CEO was even aware of all this. — it was a situation where her casual remark would be acted on my. obsequious flunkies. The guy wasn’t perfect but he sure didn’t deserve the treatment he got.

      3. Slovenly Braid Cultist*

        +1

        Had to do it once for someone who’d contacted in a work context and wanted something impossible- turned out they were badgering random other people via email and social media too, so I was glad to have raised it and helped my boss put the pieces together that this wasn’t someone genuinely looking for help in good faith.

    4. JustaTech*

      Or even “She massacred my wedding dress and was so unpleasant when I tried to get a partial refund that I’ve dropped the whole thing.”
      Just to make it abundantly clear to your boss that you’ve walked away from the whole thing and are not continuing to engage (which shows good judgement on your part).

  10. Nonsense*

    I’d switch around Alison’s script a little, start with “hey, I’m dealing with a weird personal situation that might bleed over into our work, so I wanted to give you a head’s up.” I’ve found this kind of thing lands better when I state upfront that a situation may evolve to impact them (boss, coworkers, what have you) and not just me.

    1. Meow*

      And if thats all you said I’d assume you were part of the problem. Specific, concise, and clear communication of the problem is the way to go

      1. I went to school with only 1 Jennifer*

        But Nonsense didn’t say that was all they’d say. They said: “I’d switch around Alison’s script a little, start with…”

        Let’s us commenters give each other as much grace as we give to LWs.

      2. Arrietty*

        But starting with “personal situation” makes it clear it’s not a work vendor, which LW was concerned about.

      3. biobotb*

        Nonsense recommended *starting* with that sentence, not for it to be the full sum of the conversation with the boss. It would still be specific, concise and clear.

  11. pally*

    Abby should be very glad OP didn’t post a video showcasing the poorly done alterations. Had the video gone viral…well, lots of things might happen.

  12. Decidedly Me*

    OP – I would lean towards the side of giving a heads-up to my boss, as it would make me feel better that they were prepared for what would be a weird call. However, I don’t think it’s a must and I strongly suspect Abby won’t actually be calling your work. In my experience, people threaten a lot of things trying to get what they want and very rarely follow through.

  13. the 1%*

    There are people in this world who are dangerous to deal with, who do not operate the way reasonable people do, and who cannot be negotiated with. We as a society don’t know how to deal with them and we don’t even know how to talk about them–some people use the “personality disorder” category to talk about this phenomenon. I’m not sure that’s right, but it doesn’t matter.

    The best way to deal with people like this is to avoid them. Make a mental note, for yourself, that this person cannot be trusted to act reasonably. Brainstorm a list of ways this person could hurt you, and seek to close off those vulnerabilities as best you can. Don’t fall prey to the temptation to go to war, seek revenge, or avoid “letting her win.” You win, by staying away and by not letting her screw with your head.

    1. RVA Cat*

      This. Sounds like she’s a classic example of a small business owner incapable of working for or with anyone else. Here’s hoping her bananapantsery makes her employees quit and her shop go under.

    2. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      Exactly!

      This where you use the Wargames maneuver.

      “The only way to win is not to play”

    3. Hannah Lee*

      Very wise words.

      Some people are unstable or angry or willing to strike a low blow for any number of reasons. There will be no “winning” with them. Sometimes it’s worth the $$ or whatever to just drop your end of the rope, and steer clear of them.

      I remember my grandmother used to advise that before wading into a dispute or engaging in a fight with someone to always take a moment to think through who would be willing to throw the lowest blow in the conflict and to disengage if it was going to be the other person. It’s not worth your time and could leave you worse off with nothing good to show of it. (She wasn’t talking about life or death or abusive or ‘gross injustice harming the vulnerable situations’ but stuff like LW’s situation)

      LW’s dealing with someone who already has been unreasonable and acted out of bounds, who seems to lack any emotional regulation and is quick to issue threats. LW is wise to not add anymore energy to that storm system. And a head’s up to the boss could calm LW’s own worries on that front.

    4. Artemesia*

      exactly — I got entangled with. a scam cross country mover — it was a small lot and I finally just walked away letting him keep the money I had already paid but didn’t want him touching my stuff. When you see the crazy, step away.

    5. Hot Flash Gordon*

      I live by the adage of getting in an argument with an idiot/weirdo/etc is like wrestling with a pig. You both get dirty and covered in sh*t, but only the pig likes it.

  14. I strive to Excel*

    My advice for OP is to set up email rules on your and every family member’s email to either delete Abby’s emails immediately or forward them to an untouched folder for future reference in case this escalates. Dub it “Here there be angry bees” and then open it only when you have a glass of wine or other beverage of choice. Then read through them like you would if they were some sort of soap opera.

    Congratulations on your wedding!

  15. The Starsong Princess*

    Spend a few bucks and have a lawyer send her a cease and desist letter. People will say sue and try to file charges but that’s more aggravation that it may be worth to you. You just want her to go away at this point and a lawyer letter often works. It will be worth it.

    1. Bananapants Modiste*

      Maybe talk to a lawyer about sending such a letter and what the effect/repercussions could be.

      As to your boss, I also am a fan of getting my story there first. Talk to him if he is at all reasonable, but don’t rant or appear upset.

    2. Festively Dressed Earl*

      Agreed, if Abby makes another peep about this situation. If she’s finally gotten the crazy out of her system, a cease and desist is redundant.

      In the same vein: DO NOT ask your former-paralegal coworker about the legal ramifications of this mess, unless she’s gotten an actual license to practice law in the interim. Yes, there are tons of incredibly competent and educated paralegals out there who know the law very well, but that doesn’t mean they’re qualified to tell you whether a case has merit.

  16. Nicosloanica*

    Keep in mind, OP, while the in popular imagination stalking and similar crimes are committed in romances-gone-bad (or towards celebrities), a surprising percentage of the time it’s actually not in that context; often, it’s someone who feels “wronged” in some way by someone else. So do keep an eye out for other bananapants behavior; if this escalates you can have a legal case (INAL) and could at least file for an order of protection.

    1. mreasy*

      According to SPARC, more than 3/4 of the time, a woman is stalked by someone they know, and about half of those are former or current intimate partners. This is not a myth perpetuated by true crime media. It feels a little scare-mongering to imply that this person is part of a common pattern of violence when it’s not the case.

  17. Cat Lady*

    If you’re up to it, you can probably recover the money via small claims court. A police report about the harassment is also a good idea to start documenting.

    People who behave like this are counting on others to give up.

  18. Cat Lady in the Mountains*

    From a manager perspective, if one of my team members told me this was going on I’d totally understand why they wanted to tell me, and I’d mainly be empathetic that they have to deal with this mess. It definitely wouldn’t come off as a weird thing to loop me in on.

    1. Hannah Lee*

      And if an Abby reached out directly to the business in any way, I’d feel perfectly comfortable about shutting the person down “don’t contact this business” / blocking them on socials / etc (after checking in with the person in LW’s circumstances first)

    2. el l*

      Yeah, I’d tell the boss, and just approach this as, “You are not going to believe what’s happened to me…While I’m hopeful it won’t come up, there’s a small but non-zero chance they will contact you, so I want you to be prepared.”

      And if you can laugh while saying this, laugh. Because someday you will laugh about how ridiculous this situation is.

    3. Hot Flash Gordon*

      Same. I’d almost hope that they would call me because I have no more craps to give.

  19. Pizza Rat*

    I want to say that I am absolutely NOT defending Abby here: a customer always has the right to share their feedback, and a business owner needs to be prepared to stand by their work and – hopefully gracefully – accept criticism for poorly-done jobs. If they can’t do that, they don’t have the temperament to be a business owner. It is regrettable that sometimes public forums are the only way to force accountability and resolve problems with vendors – in a perfect world, business owners would always do the right thing before something escalates to a review site.

    That said, I think the real crux of the problem here is that you told her you were dropping the refund request and ceasing further contact in exchange for her ceasing communication with your family. But then you reopened the conflict by posting your review. It’s understandable to want to share your experience, given that you won’t get your money back, but ultimately you told her you were walking away from the duel, asked her to do the same, but then you fired a final shot. I can see why that reignited her fury.

    I agree that a heads-up to your boss would probably bring peace of mind, and it allows you to control the narrative, so to speak, by being on the record first, rather than having to try to explain it after the fact.

    OP, you just have to believe that running a business this way will eventually catch up to Abby – not even in a karmic way, necessarily, just in a “it’s impossible to reconcile this type of behavior with any type of success” kind of way – someone who thinks these unhinged actions are acceptable is almost certainly acting unacceptably in other areas too.

    1. Sloanicota*

      I see it both ways. I understand why OP wanted to warn others; if someone had written a review that would have given OP a heads up that this vendor was not trustworthy, she could have avoided a bunch of hassle. At the very least she probably felt like she needed to warn any other brides in her circle which could have gotten back to Abby also.

    2. Peanut Hamper*

      Nah. Posting a public comment is not reopening the conflict. It’s reporting to the public what your experience was. It’s the purpose of a review. LW said they wouldn’t have any further contact and stuck to that.

      A reasonable business order reaches out in the event of such bad reviews and says something like “Sorry you had that experience. What can we do to make this up to you?” They do not get unhinged. There are plenty of instances on the internet of unhinged business owners responding negatively to online reviews (a lot of them seem to be restaurants, for some reason) but

      Abby is beyond unhinged. (I wonder if she’s trying to be some sort of influencer or trying to get her own reality show? Or possibly thinks she is in a reality show starring, of course, her. Who knows?) OP did a good thing by giving other people a head’s up.

      2. Ally McBeal*

        When you’re dealing with normally-hinged people, a review wouldn’t reopen the conflict. But LW already knew her vendor was totally unhinged. I do think leaving the review was not the best move, at least not so close (timeline) to the wedding. It would’ve been wiser to wait six months or longer. Kind of like how you shouldn’t leave a negative Glassdoor review right after you leave a job because it’ll be that much easier for HR to figure out who left it.

        1. Vicky*

          It doesn’t say anything about the timeline in the letter other than the emails from Abby after the refund request went on for a couple of weeks. I was assuming there was a period of several months in there between the wedding / refund request / agreeing to drop the request, and leaving the negative review.

    3. Rex Libris*

      This. Clearly the vendor is a loon, and the OP is right to want to warn people, but at some point you have to decide if you want to be right or you want to be happy.

    4. Bananapants Modiste*

      “But then you reopened the conflict by posting your review”

      In reality, no.

      But in the world of Crazy Abby, maybe you did.
      I’ve dealt with unhinged people before, and they would stalk me online and in real life, looking for any tiny thing that could be construed as a provocation, letting them unleash their fury and feel oh so deliciously right.

    5. Liz the Snackbrarian*

      I wonder if the review mentioned the harassing behavior in addition to the botched dress. I can see why OP would want to post that and caution others that this is something that could happen.

    6. Andrew*

      I agree. To me, a Yelp or Google review is reestablishing communication. Many businesses and consumers use them as a de facto ombudsman these days.

      The review is well deserved and I don’t think the LW has anything to worry about. I’m a manager — if someone reached out to me about my employee’s wedding dress, I’d alert the employee and delete the email.

      1. Caramel & Cheddar*

        Especially since the businesses can in fact reply to reviews. It’s not a one-way communication method in the way people often think it is.

    7. HonorBox*

      Maybe this is splitting hairs, but OP says they would stop pursuing the refund and stop communication with Abby. The review is a post on Google, not directly with Abby. I don’t think it is re-opening or escalating exactly. It is providing information via a third party that people can use, or not, as they see fit.

    8. What_the_What*

      The OP didn’t contact Abby; she posted a review on a site, which isn’t direct contact and she didn’t ask for a refund, which was the main thing; that she’d let the refund request go no further. She is allowed to share her experience and if that “reignited” Abby’s fury, well Abby is a f*ing loon and that’s too damn bad. The OP shouldn’t have had to negotiate with an unhinged mental terrorist to get her to LEAVE HER FAMILY ALONE in the first place.

      For someone NOT defending Abby–you sound a LOT like someone who’s defending Abby would sound… Just sayin’.

      1. I strive to Excel*

        Also not defending Abby, and I don’t think the “crux of the problem” is that OP re-engaged, but I don’t think Pizza Rat is defending Abby. Pizza Rat is pointing out that Abby is not rationalizing or communicating in a normal way: Abby is speaking bananapants.

        With people who speak bananapants, you cannot use normal communication tactics; it doesn’t work. Your best options are to either eat your losses and disengage completely, or go full tilt in shutting them down – full refund, court ruling, the works. Saying “I’ll go away” and then posting a review is going to win you the worst of both worlds. You’re not getting any of the protections a full legal shut-down would, such as a refund, ban on communications, or any other thing that might result to protect you. And you’re reminding the loon that you exist, so they decide to re-engage.

        It’s *not* fair. OP should not in fact have to negotiate. In an ideal world OP shouldn’t have negotiated in the first place, but rather redirected all emails into a folder titled “Restraining Order Evidence”, blocked Abby’s number, and gone ahead with her life (and a bank-backed chargeback). But when dealing with bananapants there’s what’s fair and there’s what works, and the two are rarely the same.

  20. LinesInTheSand*

    I’d mention it to my boss because my boss would find it funny and everyone needs a good laugh now and then, especially in high stress jobs like event planning and non-profit work. But also, it’s a chance for your boss to demonstrate that she’s on your side, and that sort of psychological security is really valuable. I think professionally it’s smart to give your boss a heads up on a situation that probably won’t — but *might* — escalate suddenly and dramatically, but don’t undervalue the relief that’s going to come with your boss saying “Thanks, don’t worry, I’ll handle it.”

    I had to do a similar thing in a similar line of work a while ago. I was in live concert production and I had a stalker. When I took that job I was up front with my bosses about this situation including the part where I might have to leave suddenly during an event. They were glad to be aware, and they also made sure a few other people on the crew, who all happened to be over six feet and built like football players, got a discrete heads up. It never became and issue, but I was glad of the support and it gave everyone a chance to think through some potential situations without having to react immediately.

  21. Too many birds*

    This sounds like a situation where even if Abby did try to sully your reputation, anyone who’s every worked with her will know that she’s not a reliable narrator.

    1. Sloanicota*

      Yeah honestly I get why you might want to give your heads up (and if I was the boss and was told about this, it wouldn’t shift my perspective of OP at all) but if Abby did call I don’t think she could say anything that’s very damaging. Even if she lied and made it sound like you were a total bridezilla, most people associate that phenomenon with the specific stress of planning a wedding and it wouldn’t affect their standing at work. And someone calling someone’s boss with an axe to grind that’s unrelated to the company is going to be taken with a huge grain of salt.

      1. Vicky*

        I once had an unhinged vendor contact my work to try to get revenge on me for something I’d done (I was FAQ owner / de facto moderator for a Usenet group, they kept trying to post adverts for their business, I kept deleting their posts on the basis that adverts weren’t allowed in the group) – but they didn’t contact my work to say “Vicky keeps deleting my adverts in her Usenet group”, they contacted my work to say “Vicky is selling company secrets on the internet” (which, needless to say, I wasn’t). Thankfully I had a good long-standing reputation in my work and as soon as HR contacted me and I explained the situation they believed me, but for someone with less capital that could have been really damaging. And it’s not at all obvious to the HR person receiving the message that the person is a bananapants seamstress rather than a legitimate aggrieved client, competitor, vendor etc etc etc.

  22. Friday Hopeful*

    I imagine if she is in the same industry circles as you, then many of the vendors already know she is bananapants.

    1. What_the_What*

      Honestly, that’s the one thing that surprised me–that OP didn’t research her or ever hear anything negative about her until AFTER the dress fiasco. You’d think being in event planning, she’d have had a heads up or sought out recommendations!

      1. Non non non all the way home*

        Come on, she very likely works in a different area of event planning and has never needed to hire a seamstress.

  23. Dovasary Balitang*

    It might be worth advising your receptionist (or whomever handles incoming foot traffic to your workplace) not to let anyone in to see you without giving you a quick ring first. I had to do something similar when fending off former landlords.

  24. ecnaseener*

    I come down on the side of letting your boss know, just in case Abby is savvy enough to be vague about how she knows you and leave your boss with the impression that this is about a work transaction rather than a personal one. Yes, you can clear it up with your boss, but it’s just so much easier if boss knows right away to be like “hang on, am I speaking with Abby Warbleworth the seamstress? lol ok bye.”

    1. Reality.Bites*

      The way I’m looking at it, it’s also a good story to share, so OP can share it with the boss on that basis, assuming they sometimes talk about their lives outside work.

  25. Commenter 505*

    Also on the side of “mention it to your boss.”

    You might think about blocking Abby’s number and Block Sender on her email address for yourself, mom, and grandma. Even if she were to attempt a lawsuit, it’s on her to figure out how to serve you (U.S.). Also no attorney would represent her on these facts. 1. There’s no way for them to get paid, and more importantly, 2. They’d subject themselves to the possibility of sanctions if they brought it before a judge. [NAL]

  26. Yes Anastasia*

    As you say, I don’t think it’s surprising that Abby was enraged considering her past behavior, but to be clear, posting a review was not re-engaging with her. Negative reviews exist for customers, not businesses. LW wasn’t trying to force accountability, she was warning others off from losing thousands of dollars the way she did.

  27. notscarlettohara*

    I also think it’s good to tell your boss for peace of mind, and I can also say from experience not to worry about it too much – people like this are incapable of acting sane and reasonable, and even if they do contact your boss, assuming your boss is not also bananapants, their reaction will almost certainly be, “Why is this rando crazy person contacting me? lol, delete.”

    A few years ago, a random person I had never heard of started commenting on my work’s Facebook posts that I was a known drug user wanted by the police. And that was my boss’s exact reaction – “What? lol, delete. Hey, this happened, you should know about it.” (Turns out it was some dude that had beef with a friend of my mom ) I was not in any way professionally impacted because it was just obviously untrue. So try to relax, it’ll blow over!

  28. Just Thinkin' Here*

    You state you are involved in events management. Does that include weddings? If so, might want to have the conversation with your manager as you both run in the same circle. If no weddings, then I wouldn’t worry about it. It doesn’t hurt to at least keep all your documentation, etc, in case crazy lady comes back for whatever reason in the future. Also, if you paid for alterations with credit card, dispute the charges with the bank for failure to provide services.

  29. mm*

    I’m a little lost as to why OP would post a review after deciding she didn’t want to engage further and knowing that Abby would see it. That is an escalation that would further agitate an already hostile person.

    1. Boof*

      To protect others, presumably, even if they stopped trying to recoup their own damages like they said they would. Yes they knew abby would overreact but personally I would have done the same because I hate letting bullies silence me from doing normal things I would normally do (post reviews)

      1. pally*

        I’d want to do same. If I were the next customer for Abby, and I received crazy, I’d wish someone had warned me.

        I’d also post a GLOWING review for the seamstress who saved the day. And why.

      2. mm*

        I guess I’m just like unless you’re literally Superman it’s really not your job to be so altruistic especially f you’re so worried. I might have waited a few more months to post something online and just used the whisper network with all the vendors she has good relationships with.

    2. essie*

      I see a couple people seeing this, but honestly, I disagree that it’s an escalation. Reviews are not communications to the business, and they’re pretty broadly protected under free speech laws. While it would have been easier to walk away, I understand the feeling that it’s important to share such an awful experience with other potential customers.

      1. Ally McBeal*

        It’s not an escalation when all parties involved are thinking and behaving rationally. Unfortunately that’s not the case here.

    4. Peanut Hamper*

      Also, she didn’t know for sure that Abby would see it. Some businesses don’t pay the blindest bit of attention to their online reviews.

      But yep, OP did it as a kindness to others. This is what (honest) online reviews are for.

      1. Little Lady, Big Stick*

        I’m curious of the male/female breakdown of “don’t re-engage in any capacity” vs. “I need to warn others to avoid this toxic situation.”

        Because I am 100% “yes, review” and also, possibly include “and this person is now threatening to sue me.” Keeping it factual. But I’m also not one to back down, and I do avoid places where the review reply from the vendor is anything but nice.

        1. mm*

          I am a guy and firmly in don’t re-engage category. I truly don’t see how this isn’t an escalation. OP says she doesn’t want to engage. Abby makes OP “promise” not to communicate. OP then decides to write a scathing 1 start review which she says Abby would see. That is totally fanning the fire in my opinion.

          1. Hroethvitnir*

            Is it logical to expect someone like Abby to go back on the attack? Yes. Is it the right thing to warn people if you think it’s worth it? Also yes.

            There is a bright line between “this is expected” and “therefore you’re not allowed to be upset by this utterly unacceptable behaviour”.

          2. Peanut Hamper*

            It seems you have a different idea of how fires work, I guess.

            If you don’t want your business to get negative online reviews, the only way to do that is to not have a business. Because even businesses that deliver outstanding service 100% of the times will have a bananapants customer every once in a while, and even businesses that are really good at what they do are going to fail every once in a while.

            I honestly don’t care if a business has a negative review or two. I kind of expect that. What I do care about is how they react to it.

          3. New Jack Karyn*

            It is not an escalation when the action is reasonable. I think that Abby responding with her bananapants shtick was a foreseeably probable outcome of posting the review, but that doesn’t make doing so an escalation.

  30. UpstateDownstate*

    It cant hurt mentioning something to your boss to get ahead of this person potetially contacting them or calling them.

    I say this only because at my previous job, which was a retail resale business, we got a call from a ‘potential client’ that one of our sales people stole this callers property and was harassing them, and had a police report out in her name for theft and trespassing to steal items to sell. This was concerning to us but upon speaking with our sales person, and the caller a bit further, it turned out that they were neighbor’s who used to be best of friends and then had a falling out and were now calling the police on one another which I guess escalated to now calling each others employers. We knew our sales person was a bit…odd, but this was really something. Anyway, had she given our customer service coordinator a bit of a heads up it would have saved everyone a lot of time.

  31. Victoria*

    I had a somewhat similar situation — a random outsider who I thought might contact my workplace — and did talk to both my boss and out external communications team. Nothing ended up happening but I was relieved to have it out in the open and a plan in place.

    In my case, I was a moderator in a very large Facebook group for people in my profession. I don’t fully remember what happened, but there emerged a cadre of folks within the group who would seek out other members’ organizations and write false negative reviews about them if they were insufficiently dedicated to a specific cause. As moderator, I took action against this cadre (removing them from the group) and was concerned that they would come after me and my employer.

  32. Not Tom, Just Petty*

    I think talking to your boss will be invigorating. I think it will take away the burdon you are carrying: the seamstress put blame on you and you are accepting some of it. Only to keep the blame incident a secret so that you don’t look bad. See how counter intuitive that is?
    You did nothing wrong. Why are you on the defensive worrying about damage control? Tell your boss that the seamstress reacted insanely, “she sent hateful and slanderous messages to my grandma because I asked her to reimburse me for damaging my wedding dress. So I won’t be surprised if she hunts down where I work (I never shared that with her) and contacts you. If you get a message from Isewthe Bananapants from Y oh Y Did I Pick That Boutique, that is what it is. Thanks.”

  33. HonorBox*

    Having had bosses, and having been the boss, I’d think I’d say something. It gives the boss a heads up both THAT a seamstress might be calling and WHY said seamstress is calling. Provide them with a little context so they’re not caught off guard, especially if Abby is going to call and say some terrible things.

    As the boss, I’d have wanted ALL the details. I’d have cleared my schedule to hear everything. And also in all seriousness, I’d have wanted to know both because if someone called, I’d be better prepared to shut down the conversation and I’d be able to know in advance if there was something else that happened to escalate the situation. Like if Abby started posting on the business FB page, or God forbid she showed up at the office.

    Just “hey, boss, I’m having some weird interactions with the seamstress who botched my dress and wanted to give you a heads up as I’ve gotten the feeling that she might try to contact my workplace” would be a good starting point. Some bosses may need to know that only. Others (like me) will ask for more info. But it puts it in context – this is personal – and provides information that shows it is not one of your regular vendors, so it won’t impact your work.

  34. MagicEyes*

    This did happen to me with a scammy vendor. I ordered a flower arrangement online, and it wasn’t at all what I had requested. I complained, and they called my workplace to try to get me in trouble. I did not get in trouble, and I did end up getting my money back (thanks to my friend who’s a hacker, but I can’t go into details about that).

  35. AnonForThisOne*

    Egads that’s all just insane.

    I have a tangentially similar story and I did end up saying something. (I’m also Anon for this one as my letter was published here.)

    I had a vile boss at a former employer. She was the reason I quit and when the company CEO asked why I was leaving, I was very honest with him and truthfully answered his questions (and also questions from the CTO later) that I was resigning due to not feeling like I could grow under my manager due to her micromanagement.

    She Did. Not. Take. My. Resignation. Well.

    As in ignoring me, refusing to speak to me (even about work) literally walking into traffic to avoid standing at the same corner waiting for the walk signal, even removed me as a connection on LinkedIn (noticed this as it keeps recommending I connect with her, which I’m sure it’s also doing for her which she likely loves, LOL) Absolutely bonkers stuff that doesn’t even sound close to this woman.

    When I started my new job, I didn’t tell them that I thought she might try to call. I DID tell my new boss that my former employer didn’t handle my resignation professionally and told the new boss about the former boss’s antics.

    I didn’t say that I thought she might call (she didn’t to my knowledge) but I wanted the info out there that her unprofessional behavior started while I was still at the former company, just in case.

    We’re in HR so it was doubly insane she couldn’t handle my resignation professionally.

    Long story short…I’d probably loop in your boss about the antics of this person so he’s aware of who she is if he does hear from her.

  36. Nonanon*

    Moderately unrelated, but there’s a somewhat popular Instagram Borzoi named Abby, and her owner will post the “unhinged” things she does: “today Abby reemerged from the void,” “yesterday the Amazon man made Abby cry because he called her pretty not hot,” “Abby’s dad booped her snoot without consent and now she’s vowed revenge by unraveling all his sweaters,” nonsense things like that.

    I was picturing Abby the Borzoi during the entire debacle, and made myself sad because we’ll never get “Today Abby went bananapants on someone who left her a one-star Google review”

    1. Pay no attention...*

      I love Cleolonglegs… and Abby. IG Abby definitely looks like she stares into the void.

  37. Tenebrae*

    Another reason to clue in the manager: so they know how you want them to handle things. If I got an angry screaming phone call about my employee, I’d want to know if this is a “laugh the jerk off” situation or a “my employee needs to be walked to her car” situation.

  38. Cherry Sours*

    I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this person, she sounds bitter and troubled. .

    I had a neighbor I barely knew…I’d wave and say hi, but she’s simply scowel and go back in her house. One day she called me nasty names as I walked to my vehicle, before stating she was going to call my employer to inform them I was mentally ill and a danger to our clients.

    I did text my boss, who laughed heartily for a few minutes before stating “Don’t worry about her, you’ve worked here for 18 years and we know better.”

  39. Fern*

    My rule for my team is “no unpleasant surprises for the boss.” So if you think there’s a real possibility of her reaching out, giving your boss a head’s up seems reasonable.

  40. Funny you should mention*

    I don’t know….telling a business owner, “Let’s make a deal where we no longer have any contact with each other” and then the very next day leaving them a scathing public review…..that’s kind of a big middle finger.

    1. LW*

      LW here. I’ve seen this comment a couple times so I’m going to be clear: I do not consider a review to be contact with a business. After this shop wrecked my wedding dress and then attacked my family for requesting a partial refund, I’m leaving a review as a service to other consumers. Your comment implies that I somehow deserve a backlash, so please, reflect on why you’d feel that way. Because I’ve been harassed and bullied by this woman for weeks, and I really don’t feel like reading comments about how I was mean for leaving a Google review.

      1. Esmeralda Fitzmonster*

        We aren’t saying you’re mean for leaving a Google review, though. Your review was utterly warranted based on the experience you had. What we ARE saying, though, is that it’s naive to think that reviewing the business and contacting Abby are two separate things. Abby and the business are one and the same – SHE is the business. Her work is the product. There is no way you can review the business without making it a personal commentary about her and her poor craftsmanship, or without inviting her response.

        1. LW*

          I already posted this below but I’m going to post it here as well: this thread is feeling odd, and honestly not related to my question. I asked if I should alert my boss that someone may try to defame me. We can disagree all day about whether a review counts as contact or not, but that’s not my question, and it’s feeling odd to focus on it.

      2. Peanut Hamper*

        LW, I’m sorry this is happening here. I’ve posted upthread that I don’t consider this to be contact either, but more your doing a public service by helping others to not have the terrible experience you had.

        (I do wonder how much of this criticism is gendered because it revolves around a wedding dress. If you had taken your car in to get the brakes done, and the shop dinged up your fenders, would people still consider it “contact” if you left a bad review weeks or months later to let people know that not only is this car shop going to damage your car, but also harass you for asking for redress? I don’t know, but I do think that’s a huge part of it here.)

        tl;dr: You did nothing wrong LW, and I’m sorry you were harassed in real life, and also had a bad experience in these comments.

    1. LW*

      Whoa, this sounds personal. I asked if I should alert my boss that someone may call and try to defame me. Speculating that I want strangers to declare me completely blameless…. that has nothing to do with management, or really my question, at all. I’m sorry if this post struck a personal chord with you; it sounds like maybe you’ve had a similar experience.

      I want to emphasize: this woman threatened to go to the police over a review (which I never would have posted, had I received the partial refund or at least an apology, but I decided to post after she harassed my mother and grandmother). Feeling upset about a review is one thing, but threatening the poster is so far outside of acceptable practice, it’s not a debate.

      Honestly, you’re completely correct that I’m still in pain, processing how abusive this shop owner was to me and two people I care about deeply. I’m probably coming off more emotionally than I usually would. So if you have any suggestions on my question to Alison, I would certainly appreciate reading them.

      1. Hroethvitnir*

        Some people really cannot handle the difference between “this is unsurprising” and “this excuses the bad behaviour” (often starting “not an excuse, but”).

        It should certainly have been expected Abby would lose it if you posted a negative review, but you absolutely did follow your word, and she is 100% in the wrong to continue this behaviour.

        I am glad there is at least one negative review out there for this person!

  42. Jeanine*

    If this alteration service went on a credit or debit card, DISPUTE it through the bank. You can do partial disputes as well as full ones.

    1. Peanut Hamper*

      If LW had the stomach for it, I would recommend this (other people upthread have mentioned small claims court) but it sounds like LW really just wants to put it behind them.

      That said, given the amount of evidence they have…..I think this one would be a slam dunk in small claims.

  43. The Wedding Planner*

    Abby’s reputation likely proceeds her. Local events markets are small, small worlds. We know who’s bananapants. I wouldn’t worry about it affecting your professional standing.

  44. Gigi*

    This is so interesting because I had a wedding vendor call me at work – about one of my coworkers! It was a similar situation with a gown that was in dispute, the wedding dress lady knew where she worked and called me, as someone with a public-facing role, to “warn” me about my colleague and how she was going to ruin the reputation of our organization. I just thanked her for letting me know, then gave my coworker a heads-up that this vendor was probably going to cause her more problems. I never heard about it again, but I definitely took note of what wedding dress shop it was and warn people to avoid it now!

  45. Sleeve McQueen*

    Also, LW if your business has social media channels it’s worth giving them (or asking your boss) to give them a heads-up. The Unhinged & Disgruntled often embrace posting negative comments on every post as a lifestyle.

  46. Mongrel*

    My concern is that Abby mentioned twice, in email, that she knows I work in events, and that I’m a “scourge” on the name of the industry. She went on to say that my “lies” and “manipulation” tell of my reputation

    The thing that I’ve found is that people this loony rarely have the power they think they do, mostly they’re a known quantity and largely ignored by companies.

  47. Oscar the Grouchy Nurse*

    Oh honey, take Abby to small claims court. Bring all the emails and pictures of your botched dress and receipts. You’ll get your refund and maybe even a restraining order for her in the process.

  48. Coverage Associate*

    Throwing this out there: In California, and maybe other states, there are workplace restraining orders employers can obtain on behalf of employees. So, if this escalated and interferes with OP’s work, that would be an option the employer could pursue. Absent complications, I would think it would be fewer lawyer hours than a full estate plan.
    A restraining order that OP requests directly would probably also protect her at work and with her work contacts known to the seamstress, but OP would be funding it if OP is getting the regular restraining order, rather than a workplace restraining order.

  49. rebelwithmouseyhair*

    OP you are thinking it’d be good to give your boss a head’s up and you’re convinced she’d laugh in the seamstress’s face, there’s nothing to lose so go ahead and mention it. If the seamstress does contact your boss, anything she says will say more about her than about you. Your boss knows you after all. Ask your boss if she can ask the seamstress for her name and business address so that she can confirm to the police that yes she is harassing my employee.
    You’ve got this, it’s OK. She’s very clearly in the wrong. I do hope you have evidence of the botch-up!

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