I’ve been covering my coworker’s work for months because he’s going through a divorce

by Alison Green on August 19, 2024

A reader writes:

I am looking for some advice when it comes to a teammate at work, Paul, who is currently going through a divorce. We have been working together for the last two years.

Earlier this year, Paul called me to say that his wife had asked for a divorce out of nowhere. I was sympathetic and let him know to take any time that he needed and then I would be here and would be able to manage the work for the two of us.

Fast forward to four to five months later, and it seems I am still the only one managing the team’s work. Paul has thanked me numerous times and seems to be very appreciative, and has let me know he has made our manager aware of how helpful I have been, but I am getting frustrated.

I know that he has let some of our executive team know about his divorce, but not everyone we work with knows, which also makes things awkward when people ask where he is or if he is off.

Our work is not incredibly demanding, but it does vary by day and sometimes I do get bogged down. For example, we are in travel roles and I will be traveling every week of August because he will be dealing with lawyers and their children.

How do I go tell my manager that I am burnt out, or even bring this up to Paul? I am trying to be as understanding as possible, but it seems he may be taking advantage of my helping. I have not personally dealt with divorce, so I am trying to be as kind and flexible as possible, but this has been weighing on me for far too long now.

It’s time to tell Paul that you’re overwhelmed and can’t cover his work the way you’ve been doing. Start there.

The thing is, when Paul first told you about the divorce, you told him to take whatever time he needed and you’d cover. He’s probably still operating on that assumption.

That doesn’t mean that he should be. Most people would hear that offer and know that it meant “for a few weeks or so while you’re adjusting,” not “until the end of time.” And not “even months from now, I will happily travel every week for a month so you don’t have to” — and definitely not without explicitly checking in with you and asking.

But regardless of what he should have understood about your offer, it seems clear that he’s treating it as still fully in effect. And he might be thinking you’re just fine with that since you haven’t told him otherwise.

So it’s time to talk to him and say something like, “I was able to help out in a pinch when you asked earlier this year, but it’s not sustainable for me to take on so much anymore, and I need to go back the way we were dividing work up before that. Can you take back over XYZ? I also can’t keep picking up all the travel.”

For all we know, Paul might be waiting for you to tell him when you hit that point, and is happily surprised that you haven’t yet — but will change what he’s doing once you do. Or maybe he hasn’t thought about it at all because he’s been absorbed in personal life stuff, but once you speak up, he’ll realize he’s at the limit of what he can ask of you.

But if having a clear conversation with him doesn’t solve it, then at that point you need to involve your manager. Explain that you told Paul earlier this year that you could help out temporarily but it isn’t sustainable for you to continue and you need to return to your regular workload.

It sounds like you’ve hesitated to do any of that because you’ve wanted to be helpful and accommodating, and you’re sympathetic to what Paul is going through. But this should be a “help out in a short-term pinch” kind of situation or a “be understanding when he needs a day off here and there” situation — not “take over another person’s workload for months.” You’ve been more than understanding, and now it’s okay to set limits.

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{ 186 comments }

{ 186 comments… read them below }

  1. Ann O'Nemity*

    Where is the manager in all this? OP said Paul told the manager that OP was helpful, but I wonder if the manager truly knows how much the OP has been covering for Paul.

      1. Heidi*

        I’m guessing the manager just sees that the work is getting done and not the details of who is doing what part. I mean, if the manager knew that OP did 100% the work and that they’re just paying Paul to do divorce stuff, then there wouldn’t be much of a reason to keep Paul around.

      2. AngryOctopus*

        $100 says that Paul has told the manager that OP helped him finish X without mentioning that the “help” was OP doing 90% of it.

      3. Cherry Sours*

        Agreed. It seems that Paul is enjoying every day that his coworker is doing the vast majority of his work. Receiving his paycheck, and not using PTO, is the sweetest game ever.

        1. Former password resetter*

          I wouldnt assume he’s doing this maliciously. People do get caught up in personal matters and get used to the constant support other people are giving.

          Still, this workload change should be done through the manager. And OP definitely shouldn’t just keep doing it.

        2. JSPA*

          I would not assume that anyone suddenly faced with divorce and single (or even part-time single) parenthood is having a swell time.

        3. Boof*

          It’s entirely possible Paul is going through an awful divorce and yes, is availing themselves of any port in a storm – I think what OP started with totally made sense when someone is facing huge and devastating news but yeah after 3-4 weeks I’d definitely be checking in on what the future looks like and looking at a better long term plan if Paul’s going to be struggling a while. Maybe it’s temp coverage or a part timer or so many options other than just OP doubles up indefinitely
          OP I think you did everything great except maybe ideally would have reassessed how things were going after a few weeks – and yes ideally Paul would have too but I also get people are not at their best when under severe stress either, and the work other people do for them can easily go unnoticed if no one’s reminding them about it!

        4. Crencestre*

          I very much doubt that Paul is “enjoying” being blindsided by his wife’s initiating divorce proceedings (although if he looked back on his marriage, he might realize that signs of brewing trouble were there all along…)

          But it IS past time for the OP to set limits for Paul and to make it clear that their offer of help did not mean doing 90% of the work for the forseeable future…like the next few decades.

          1. D*

            You know, we’re taking Paul at his word that he was totally blindsided by his wife. It’s totally possible that just like he’s behaving with OP, he’s intentionally blind to the problems that he’s causing and the work is offloads onto other people.

            1. Unions Are Good, Actually*

              It’s totally irrelevant how good, bad, ugly, or painless Paul’s divorce is.

            2. Slaw*

              What difference does it make? Why are we litigating the circumstances surrounding Paul’s divorce? They’re wholly irrelevant

        5. Elbe*

          Ultimately, it’s just not relevant if Paul is doing this maliciously or not. The course of action is the same – to communicate the limits of what the LW is willing to do.

          Establishing limits on the help one is able to give is not rude. The LW should do it even if they think that Paul is a good person who means well and is still legitimately struggling.

    2. Fancy 10-Qs*

      This. At the very least if the manager knows, they should have checked in on the OP once they were notified about the situation to see how things are going and hmget their side of things.

    3. Blue*

      The manager at least must know about the out of control travel schedule. It seems to me that what has happened is OP has taken ALL the burden of Paul’s restricted availability. The company isn’t having to suffer any consequences such as having to delay a necessary trip bc they are down 50% of the staff. The manager may well know and simply not see a problem because the work is getting done.

      1. NurseThis*

        I’ve been in this situation and that’s exactly right….as long as the work was done, the manager didn’t care. When I went to her and said “I can’t do this any more” she was startled because apparently my doing 2 desks of work was the only plan. My way out was to retire but had I been younger I’d have pushed to HR.

        1. Wonderland*

          Why was the manager resistant to making the balance of work more fair? Did they have any reason?

          1. NurseThis*

            It was easier for her to just have me do double. Fewer complaints, fewer across the mgt structure questions.

      2. Shandra*

        Agree with NurseThis.

        If I hadn’t spoken up, the management at another job would have kept extending a colleague’s LOA in one-month intervals, after they knew Colleague wouldn’t be returning any time soon. I had been covering some of Colleague’s most demanding and draining tasks.

        I ended up leaving the company while Colleague was still out. Which was the right move, because they ended up not coming back.

      3. Orv*

        That’s the way maternity leave works where I work. Someone gets designated to cover and they do two jobs for the pay of one job for the duration.

        1. D*

          Maternity leave usually has firm rules about duration in place. Also, during maternity leave, it’s very clear who’s doing what and when. When someone’s in the office and his work is being done, it’s not as visible that it’s not being done *by* him.

    4. Sparkles McFadden*

      This is what I was wondering too. I’m kind of cynical so I have to say that Paul reporting back “Hey, I told our manager how helpful you’ve been” doesn’t mean that such a thing actually happened.

      1. Wonderland*

        I’m also a cynic, and would take it to mean they’ve told the manager “OP is happy to help” without going into pesky details like “and by help I mean do everything”.

  2. Delta Delta*

    Honest question (asked as an attorney who handles some divorce cases and is off to a divorce mediation in about 20 minutes): what is this guy doing all the time that he’s not working? I think you’ve been kind, and I think you could also ask him to give you a schedule of court hearings and other obligations. That way you and he can get on the same page about what’s expected and realistically what needs coverage. Is there a way he can flex some of his time if he’s got changes in child-related responsibilities? Are there tasks or projects that can get allocated a little differently right now? It seems like this could all be solved with additional communication.

    2. Cat Tree*

      I was imagining it more that he’s physically present but not working at 100% because of the stress and sadness. I’ve definitely had less productive days during stressful events in my life.

      But LW says the work isn’t very demanding so maybe I’m off-base.

      1. ferrina*

        It’s one thing to have less productive days, but this has been months. And it’s seriously impacting OP.

        I don’t know what the right solution is, but it’s not for OP to shoulder Paul’s work indefinitely.

        1. JB (not in Houston)*

          Months is not that long in this context, if the implication that he should not be affected by the stress and sadness anymore. Divorce is great for some people and one of life’s most traumatic experiences for others. No, it’s not for OP to shoulder Paul’s work indefinitely, but that’s not what i read Cat Tree to be suggesting.

          1. Specks*

            But it is way too long in terms of what’s fair to expect of your coworkers or even your company. Ultimately, most of us go through really awful things in life. Divorce is awful, but so is losing a loved one, health issues in self and family, unexpectedly having to take on elder care; even joyful things like new parenthood can really complicate life and affect work. It’s lovely when your coworkers understand and pick up some slack… for like a few weeks. If you don’t have yourself sorted after a few weeks to the point where you can perform at work, it’s time to think about alternatives. Some slack also usually doesn’t mean 90% of the work or all of the travel, unless there’s a very explicit arrangement that benefits the said coworkers in some way.

            This might mean making an explicit arrangement with the company — for flexibility, reducing your hours, whatever. It can mean FMLA leave. It can mean taking a step down in your career or switching from a permanent, full-time position to consulting temporarily or permanently. It can also mean giving up a lot of personal things/hobbies/sleep, etc because those don’t pay the bills. I’ve had to do almost all of the above for health crises, and I speak from experience. Does it all suck? Sure. Life is just unfair that way.

            The bottom line is, Paul is not OPs responsibility at all. Paul is an adult and needs to take responsibility for himself; the fact that he hasn’t does not say good things about him. He’s either alarmingly clueless or more likely pretty blatantly abusing OPs kindness beyond any reasonable expectations to avoid any sort of unpleasant job effects of his personal situation.

            Given that, I don’t have super high hopes for OP talking to him… Maybe it’ll work, but OP, make sure you stick to your guns and take it to your manager unless the situation shifts quickly. Paul taking 10% of his work back is not what you want and don’t let a small improvement distract you from just how big of a favor you’ve been doing him here and how far past the expiration date this whole situation is.

      2. MigraineMonth*

        That’s what I would be imagining if I made the offer to help cover for a coworker going through any difficult life event. Take a couple of days leave, when you get back I’ll cover part of the workload while you’re dealing with the additional mental/emotional load and distraction.

        It seems as if Paul has gone MUCH further than that, though. I’m not sure he’s even showing up at work when he’s supposed to, given that LW is covering all of his travel responsibilities and other people are asking where he is. Also, LW says they are covering *all* of his work for months, which is just not a reasonable accommodation; and if it is a reasonable accommodation, the impact should be absorbed by the *company*, not by LW.

      3. sparkle emoji*

        I think this makes sense, but it sounds like a large part of the work is travel, and he’s not doing that. I assume he doesn’t have in person obligations every single week for his divorce, so it’s time at this point to at least take some of those obligations back.

      4. H3llifIknow*

        Yeah, when my mom died, I just sat at my desk staring into space for hours at a time some days. The LW shouldn’t have to cover for Paul for such an extended period, but it’s easy to see how Paul could just…check out and the LW feels compelled to get the job done.

    3. Festively Dressed Earl*

      It depends on exactly how much this divorce is affecting Paul. When you’re really down, you can stare at a screen for an hour and not register anything. It may become incredibly difficult to keep your train of thought from derailing. You might spend hours trying to perfect inconsequential mistakes or second-guessing your decisions. Time vanishes. And it’s very possible that yes, Paul is that oblivious to how much he’s dropping on OP. But that’s a job for the EAP, not OP or their manager.

    4. H3llifIknow*

      When my brother got divorced, and it was kinda messy…he really fell into depression and checked out. He could barely get out of bed. So, depending on how Paul is taking his divorce, it may be that he’s just … lost. It’s very likely he’s not “doing [anything during] all the time that he’s not working,” beyond putting one foot in front of the other. Granted 5 months is a loooong time for LW to graciously continue doing his work and something needs to be done about that posthaste, but my guess is Paul fell into a comfort zone of just existing with little to no work responsibility and needs someone else to snap him out of it and say, “Ok, back to work buddy.”

    5. Looper*

      That’s very much what I don’t understand. Like, I get being distracted and whatnot, but 5 months of not doing any work at all?

    6. AnonAnon*

      Having been in Paul’s shoes, I empathize greatly.
      My world was rocked. I could barely function. I wasn’t sleeping and I had a young child to parent and keep a strong front. I became the stable parent and a single parent overnight. Worrying if I would have to flee in the night for our safety kept me at stress level 10000.
      I was so fortunate to have role that the work ebbed and flowed and support from my close teammates and manager who could help pick up the slack when needed. It was a good 6 months before I knew if I would be ok and safe. Depending on what state you are in, it may take a long time for the divorce to be final.
      It takes a long time to acclimate to a new normal.

      Maybe Paul has to do intermittent FMLA and your manager hire a part time contractor to help fill in.

    1. Reebee*

      …or, perhaps he is depressed, which is a beast.

      The OP should push his work back to him, but there is no need to be cynical.

  5. Not on board*

    “asked for a divorce out of nowhere” – I know we’re not supposed to speculate but most of the people who say this are either deliberately obtuse, or just lying to others and probably themselves. A coworker who has allowed the OP to take on so much more of the work for this long is likely someone who took advantage of their partner too.
    Anyway, agree with Alison – tell Paul you can’t keep doing this and if he doesn’t go back to doing his fair share, go to the manager. You can still be sympathetic and supportive without destroying yourself in the process.

    2. ferrina*

      Sometimes it really is out of nowhere, but IME it’s more often that the person is trying to avoid responsibility for the relationship. Totally agree that the way Paul is treating OP points that way.

      OP, don’t feel bad about getting back to a reasonable workload. Yes, things are hard on Paul right now. But you didn’t make it that way, and it’s not on you to pick up the pieces for Paul. Paul can ask for favors, but that’s all it is- it’s a favor, not something you owe to Paul. You aren’t a bad person if you say no.

      And remember, you don’t actually know what’s going on with Paul. He could be genuinely doing the best with an absolutely terrible situation that he couldn’t have avoided. Or he could be doing a half-hearted job with a situation that he totally created and he’s simply rewriting all of this to put himself in a better light (I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve seen this happen). You don’t need to be judge- just offer to do the parts you want, and don’t do the parts that you don’t want to. That is more than fair.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        This. It’s not LW’s business how well or badly Paul’s handling his divorce, but it IS her business how much of his work and travel she’s doing five months down the line.

        Keep it to this, LW. “We need to discuss work duties: I can’t do A/B/C anymore–I’ll be handing them off to you on X date. And after the last of the August trips I can no longer take your travel assignments for you.” Loop your manager or anyone who does the trip scheduling into this as well, in writing.

        It’s not rude, it is reality. Paul is going through something huge and hard, and HE is the one who needs to deal with how to handle his workload.

        1. Wonderland*

          Isn’t it the job of the manager to handle the workload, including how to deal with 50% of the team unable to do it for the moment?

    3. anon for this*

      I know we’re not supposed to speculate but most of the people who say this are either deliberately obtuse, or just lying to others and probably themselves.

      — Wow. Nice generalization there.

      So my marriage was in a rough spot many years ago, but I can assure you that I had absolutely no idea my spouse was having an affair and considering divorce. None. There was no way to know until they told me. Now I was not the best partner at the time, but my spouse was not either, and a lot of it had to do with a really tough situation I thought we were dealing with together. Only one of us decided that an affair and possibly divorce was a good way to deal with it. But I guess since I had no idea I was just obtuse or lying to myself or being some kind of jerk who got what they deserved.

      You know absolutely nothing about Paul. Nothing. Here’s a different speculation: The court and lawyer meetings take up only X amount of time, but the rest of the time Paul is depressed, anxious, unable to cope well. Maybe Paul is taking over a lot of childcare, or all of it. Maybe Paul’s spouse is making his life a real mess.

      This is why we’re asked not to speculate. Because we do not know, we have no way of knowing, and frankly the speculation I’ve seen in the comments on this site often has a zesty nastiness and piling on.

      So please, just don’t.

      1. Working Class Lady*

        No reasonable adult would take that as an offer to shoulder 90% of their work indefinitely.

        It sounds like Paul is taking advantage of LW’s kindness, and LW needs to simply say “No” from now on.

        But the fault isn’t with LW.

      2. Medusa*

        Yeah, that commentor didn’t say that was the case for you specifically. Do you seriously think that most relationship endings are truly out of *nowhere*?

        1. New Jack Karyn*

          It was mean-spirited and added little to their advice. It was unnecessary, and possibly false. So, how about laying off anon for this, and trying to start nonsense in the comment thread?

    4. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Agree. It’s rarely out of the blue when they’re paying attention to their partner. It’s out of the blue when they take the partner for granted. Seen it so many times.

      1. Trout 'Waver*

        It’s really fun getting divorced out of nowhere and not being able to talk to people about it because of this common sentiment.

        Keep your garbage generalizations to yourself.

    5. Pair of Does*

      There’s a difference, though, between thinking it was out of nowhere to yourself or your therapist or best friend (which might point to a lack of self-awareness, etc), vs. using that phrasing to outsiders (which is a normal way to sum up the vibe of what you’re going through without going into detail that would be inappropriate). No one’s going to tell their coworker, “my spouse asked for a divorce after many years of me failing to prioritize their needs”, or at least they shouldn’t. I think it’s a normal way to indicate that this was abrupt and you unexpectedly need help.

  6. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

    The practicalities of a divorce – even one involving children – shouldn’t occupy so big of a chunk of Paul’s time over a 5-month span that he can’t be at least carrying some of his normal load. OP doesn’t indicate whether it’s just the supervisory part of Paul’s workload that is suffering, or if he’s also got individual contributor tasks that aren’t being done.

    If OP’s workplace has an EAP, it might be a kindness to point Paul there, as it seems to me like he needs some emotional or mental support, not just a reduced workload.

    1. Myrin*

      The practicalities of a divorce – even one involving children – shouldn’t occupy so big of a chunk of Paul’s time over a 5-month span that he can’t be at least carrying some of his normal load.

      That stood out to me as well. Granted, I only experienced this from the other side – my parents got divorced when I was sixteen and my sister eleven – but while I don’t know how much of his weight he pulled, I at least know that my father at least went to work. It sounds like Paul might not even be there?

      And yeah, there was a lot to arrange – most pressingly of all, we had to move from a house to a flat, and sell the car even before that – but thinking back now as a working adult, that would more amount to taking some days off inbetween, not let your coworker do 100% of your travel months later. (And to be clear, I’m solely speaking about practicalities here – what goes on in Paul’s mind regarding lack of energy, sadness, fear of an unknown future, etc. is yet another matter entirely.)

      1. sparkle emoji*

        Yeah, from the letter it sounds like he’s taking stretches of time off and LW is just covering for him? Hopefully that’s still going through the proper channels. If the time off has gotten into weeks rather than days, LW’s manager should be checking in, no? It feels like both manager and Paul could be dropping the ball depending on specifics we don’t have.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          The manager really needs to be brought into this–so far, it seems like “dealing” has equated to “LW will just carry this whole thing.” That’s not sustainable and either the manager doesn’t care or simply isn’t thinking about it until the LW speaks up.

    2. MissBaudelaire*

      This was niggling me as well. I had a very messy break up and custody dispute years ago.

      I missed a few days here and there… going to talk to lawyers, having hearings, going to mediations. But it wasn’t months of me just not being around.

      Everyone deals with these horrible situations differently, of course, and all lives are different. I know I feel better throwing myself into work. Paul might not, which is fine! If that is the case, I think Paul needs to speak to management about what he is able to do and not do right now and get it sorted out.

      OP shouldn’t be the one to do ALL the work.

  7. Dust Bunny*

    I know divorces can be messy but four or five months? Nope. Time for him to reconsider how much time he “needs” (really does need, unavoidably) versus “needs” (divorce is expanding to fill the time available to him).

    I’ve had two close coworkers (in a department of 4 to 5 people, so not a lot of flexibility in staffing) go through divorces and they sometimes needed time off but it was nothing like this.

    1. ferrina*

      Divorce can be similar to bereavement- the time off isn’t there to recover from everything, it’s to deal with immediate practicalities. You will recover from it at a very different pace. Emotionally, it could be quick or long; it could be a single end or it could ripple. Pragmatically, life has so many moving parts that it can take a long time to realize all the repercussions of the change. There are the obvious things like bank accounts and legal marital status, but there are other things, like holidays and friendships that are impacted and all the little bits of life. It’s great when work can be flexible so you can deal with these things as they arise, but you can’t be unable to do large chunks of your job indefinitely. Paul’s divorce shouldn’t be eclipsing OP’s life.

      1. Dust Bunny*

        Yeah, I wouldn’t expect someone to recover from the emotional fallout like, right now, but this seems like a bit much.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Your last sentence sums it up PERFECTLY. The LW can’t be expected to live Paul’s work life for him.

      3. Lurker*

        Your point about the difference between needing time off for practicalities vs your emotions is a great one!

      1. not nice, don't care*

        Have you read the other comments? Plenty of personal experiences to base observations from.

      2. Dust Bunny*

        Give it a rest. Nobody is saying that everyone has the same experience, but it’s been five months–the LW needs support and Paul should be managing it better by now, whether that means remembering that he actually has a job or counseling through an EAP or whatever.

      3. sparkle emoji*

        That watching two divorces is enough to say a typical divorce shouldn’t completely prevent Paul from doing his job for months on end? Yeah, I think that’s probably something Dust Bunny can reasonable assume from that experience. That’s not to say 5 months will have Paul emotionally recovered, but it’s fair to point out that a the legal obligations of a typical divorce will not prevent someone from doing 90% of their job for 5 months, barring some very special circumstances. And to wander into that special circumstances territory, if there really is something that means he can only be doing 10% of the job till the divorce is finalized Paul should proactively deal with that with his manager, not assume LW will handle the other 90%.

        1. Reebee*

          Anecdote isn’t data. Besides, what about those of us who have had opposite experiences with one or more co-workers going through divorces? Don’t those count?

          Look, something needs to give, but the merciless tones of some posts is concerning.

          1. But what to call me?*

            Are you saying you’ve had experiences with coworkers whose divorce proceedings actually took up 90% of their work time for 5 months after the divorce, to the point that it was only possible to do 10% of their jobs?

            I doubt Paul is deliberately taking advantage of LW. He may still be upset and stressed enough that it’s hard to take the initiative to return to his usual level of productivity. He may not even realize that OP has been doing most of his work for such an unreasonably long time, because grief and stress can distort your sense of time. But the vast majority of people who go through divorces manage to do so without making that their full time job for half a year, which we know to be true because if they did that then most of them wouldn’t manage to remain employed. It’s important to point that out to LW, because LW seems to be worried that Paul needs the amount of help that LW wants to stop providing, when it’s more likely that he’s capable of resuming his usual work but is struggling to pull himself together enough to do so or to come up with a more sustainable solution, and that he may not be motivated to figure it out because LW has so far been providing a solution that makes work very easy for him.

    3. Spero*

      In many areas, you can’t even start the legal process of divorce until a year post separation. So often that year is a legal gray area where finances and custody are totally up in the air or being constantly renegotiated until a final agreement can be reached and filed when the year is up. That being said, I killed it at work during that time because that was the only area I had any control over.
      So 4-5 months is not an unusual time to still be in the thick of it with divorce, but it’s not a reasonable amount of time to be nonfunctional at work and keep the job.

      1. MissBaudelaire*

        The last sentence!

        I don’t think anyone is expecting Paul to not have some effects of his divorce or need time off here and there. He’s human as we all are (unless some of you are cyborgs!). You just can’t be non functional at your job. I’ve never had a job where that was an option, you know? You could take your PTO or FMLA or something, but not–what Paul is doing

  8. CityMouse*

    If Paul needed coverage during a divorce, he needed to talk to his boss. Never agree to cover a coworker’s job informally like this. I say this as someone who has covered for people on leave for a variety of reasons, you have to have your boss fully aware of your work.

    You need to talk to your boss. This is not okay and hurts you. Paul shouldn’t be dumping his work on you and the fact that he’s not taking leave and getting paid not to work creates an issue that can reflect badly on YOU. You’ve essentially hidden that Paul’s not working.

    1. CG*

      Yes! Don’t handle business coverage challenges from the staff level! This is your manager’s job to sort out and not yours. Maybe your manager is aware of another staffer looking for a challenge or has been eying your plate for a new project. Get out of the middle of this thing between Paul and your manager asap.

      1. Bikirl*

        +1 on the above. This is definitely the manager’s job to sort out. There are a lot of possible ways it could be handled from a staffing and leave management perspective.

        1. CityMouse*

          i should note that when in my organization when we have someone on leave they try to spread the work over 4+ people (depends on circumstances) and you get a specific extra on your evaluation for volunteering to cover to make up for the work.

        2. ferrina*

          yes yes yes!

          There are many ways that the manager and Paul can sort this out. Paul may be eligible for FMLA or may be able to do a part-time arrangement or maybe additional staff can cover some of his responsibilities. But that’s on Paul and the manager to figure out.

          If Paul is doing so little of his job that he’s in danger of being fired, well, that may be the needed outcome. It’s not fair to the company or his coworkers to have a coworker that doesn’t do their job and has everyone else do it for them. It’s tough when you have an underperformer that is dealing with a life event (particularly one that involves grief- that can seriously impact productivity). I’ve seen people be put on PIPs when they were dealing with serious events- the company was always sensitive to timing, but “indefinitely” was never an option. Personally, I’ve seen one person that was dealing with end-of-life/death of a parent, and one person dealing with a tough divorce. The company gave them about 4-6 months longer than they would have done if they hadn’t been dealing with these things, but both of these people were put on PIPs (the person dealing with the end-of-life for a parent was put on the PIP several months after the parent passed away). One was let go, and one beat the PIP and is back to their regular productivity. It was definitely the best option for their teams and for the company as a whole.

        3. NurseThis*

          I’ve been in work environments that leaned heavily on the team player concept. If I’d been OP and it was 5 months in, my manager would have seen it as MY failing to support Paul rather than Paul was doing nothing. Or maybe ask what minor task they could shift from me to make it possible for me to keep carrying Paul.

        4. goddessoftransitory*

          Absolutely. LW is not only doing Paul’s job but the manager’s as well in this setup.

    2. Blue Pen*

      I completely agree, and this is definitely the big one: “Never agree to cover a coworker’s job informally like this.”

      It’s one thing to pinch hit every once in a while for a coworker in need, but those times should be relegated to emergency or one-time things only. A months-long arrangement, one that is quickly approaching half a year now, should never be settled without your manager involved—and maybe even an HR professional, to be honest, so that you’re protected.

    3. Annie*

      100% Agree. I had a family situation (arranging for care for elderly parents) that arose suddenly and required a LOT of workday time to manage. I talked to my supervisor about the situation, gave him an approximate end date, and he went to my colleagues to ask them to help out. That way I got what I needed while making sure my colleagues’ contributions were recognized. It worked out for everyone.

    4. CheesePlease*

      Yes THIS

      How much Paul works or doesn’t work is up to his manager. (For all we know he is taking PTO to meet with lawyers and handle his business? I’m honestly not clear if he’s in the office not working or isn’t able to be in the office due to things he has to manage). How much YOU work is also up to you and your manager. If there is a gap between “how much OP can do” and “how much Paul can do” then your boss is responsible for hiring a temp, borrowing resources from another team etc.

    6. Looper*

      100% agree to all of this. There may be many resources available to Paul if the manager knows, priorities could be reassessed, workloads could be shared. But now LW has basically been doing Paul’s job for almost half a year without management’s knowledge. How is that annual review supposed to go?

  9. Hyaline*

    Oooof I get that divorce is no picnic but no one I know who’s been through one took a six month sabbatical from the rest of their responsibilities!

    While you have nothing to apologize for, LW, if you think it’s the kind of situation where some strategic softening of the approach could be helpful, you could kind of play the apology card. “I’m sorry, as I really do want to be here for you, but I realize that I was vague in my offer of support. [optional addition: I underestimated how long this process takes/how much time you would need/other.] All of this has become too much for me to handle solo [insert specific examples of what you need him to take back or how the schedule needs to split more evenly] Do you think we can work this out, or should we loop in [Manager]?”

  10. dulcinea47*

    Maybe think what you’re saying before you promise to help & support someone indefinitely. Divorce isn’t a thing that’s done and dusted in a couple weeks, especially when children are involved. Being realistic about what you can do would be a kindness.

    1. Venus*

      I don’t think anyone views an offer of help to be indefinite for all that time. My coworkers who went through divorces took some time off at first but it was for a couple months. I don’t think it’s fair on the LW to say that they should have been more careful about their offer, because an average person wouldn’t have viewed it that way.

      1. MigraineMonth*

        Also, it isn’t a contract written in blood. If it seems like Paul needs more support than you’re willing to give, you can add boundaries/restrictions at that point: “Hey, I was happy to help the first month, but I really need to focus on my own work now” or “I’m not going to be able to cover your trip to Utah next month.”

      2. sparkle emoji*

        Yeah, taking that lesson would be like assuming that because an employee did X that was weird and outside of professional norms, a company must add a rule to their handbook saying not to do X. LW doesn’t need to be hesitant to offer favors or put up a bunch of preemptive caveats on future favors just because Paul took advantage of the help they offered him.

    2. Turquoisecow*

      Wow this is unkind to the OP. If I say I will help someone out in a tough time I don’t expect it to go on for five months, especially a divorce. I don’t think it’s reasonable for them to say “oh but only for X period of time” when offering to them.

      1. Saturday*

        Exactly – providing some sort of expiration date on the offer would come across very strangely, especially when most people are going to understand what the LW meant without it being spelled out.

        1. MigraineMonth*

          “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know, as long as it takes place in the next three weeks, requires less than 5 hours of my time and doesn’t cost more than $50 excluding gas money. This offer cannot be exchanged for cash. Offer void in California.”

      2. sparkle emoji*

        And if Paul had limited the help he needed to asking LW to take travel just on weeks he had court dates, or something along those lines, LW could have been fine offering that type of help till everything was finalized. The timeline is one issue, but the volume of help needed is another one that’s probably more challenging.

    3. Dust Bunny*

      Naw, this is on the coworker. No reasonable person thinks it means “I’ll do almost all your work indefinitely”.

      1. Random Bystander*

        Yeah, I went through an absolutely horrific divorce (with, at the time, four minor children) … I mean, my lawyer had been in that field for 20 years, and agreed that if you put acrimony in divorce on the scale of 1 = mutually agreed, work out the paperwork together and 10 = War of the Roses (the movie), mine was a 15 (he kept saying he’d never encountered someone who was so determined to act against his own best interests and so banana-ensemble as my ex). Even so, my actual involvement was showing up to a few court appearances (a few more than necessary because of the ex playing games) and carting the children to an appointments (psychologist, guardian ad litem), *and* with criminal charges involved against the ex (and court appearances for me related to that), I had to take off less than two weeks in total over the eleven month ordeal. Of course, it did all finally settle down and go a whole lot quicker once he was actually incarcerated (to my immense relief–he was arrested for violating my order of protection by stalking me), but I think Paul’s workplace behavior is inexcusable.

        1. Dust Bunny*

          Even if it does turn out to be excusable at this point Paul needs to go to his manager for support.

    4. Elbe*

      I would guess that the vast majority of people would interpret the offer as the LW intended it. I don’t think it’s fair to fault the LW for being imprecise in their phrasing when it would have been clear to most people.

      The issue here is that, for whatever reason, the LW gave Paul an inch and he’s taking a mile. The only solution here is for the LW to be more explicit about their limits, but that doesn’t mean that there was anything wrong with their communication initially.

      1. ferrina*

        Yeah, OP shouldn’t have had to say “Let me know what I can do to help. Terms and Conditions Apply.”

        OP might have said “no” earlier (and should definitely start saying “no” now and looping in the manager if Paul continues), but this isn’t on them for offering to help.

        1. Kyrielle*

          Yup! If someone had made this offer to me when my parents died (the closest analogue I have to an event of this magnitude), I would have assumed it meant that I could occasionally ask them to cover something that I normally would have done when something came up, not that I could dump all my work on them for a couple weeks (never mind almost half a year). That’s just…not what that means. If I’d been hurting so bad or so buried in tasks that I couldn’t work at all, or barely, that’s a conversation to have with my boss about whether time off under FMLA applies or whether we can work out something else.

    5. Hyaline*

      I mean, I think this is overstatement that perhaps puts a bit too much blame on LW, but I do think there is value in stepping back and considering what’s realistic to offer, for how long, in what circumstances before offering–and in this and most case, at any point during the “offer period.” There’s no shame in saying “OK, I know I offered help, but this isn’t feasible/sustainable/something I’m comfortable doing. Let’s talk about ways I can support that are more realistic.”

      Offering that’s taken as carte blanche is lesson learned to be clearer with this person in your offers going forward. (I feel that this can brush up against ask culture vs guess culture, in which both people could feel the other isn’t navigating help/favors/support correctly.)

  11. Blue Pen*

    How is this even working, though? Is Paul still getting paid a normal salary despite not doing his work? And if the manager knows of this already, how has that not been discussed or addressed with the LW/their team?

    I generally agree with Alison here, but I think I would add a little more oomph in your initial conversation with Paul by saying something like, “Hey Paul, I hope things are settling down for you. I wanted to let you know that I’m going to let [Manager] know that I need to start stepping away and re-focus on my responsibilities. Let me know if you want to join that conversation.”

    I’m not sure if that’s the best way to say it—I think that probably depends on the dynamics of your workplace and your relationship with Paul—but the idea is to not give him a chance to protest how much of his work to do and when by (but still gives him the benefit of the doubt in that he really might not realize how much you’ve taken on).

  12. Turquoisecow*

    I’ve never been divorced but I don’t understand why going through a divorce would mean not working or only doing some of the work for like half a year. Is he trying to fight for sole custody and misrepresenting his working hours to help his case? Is he attempting to mediate and spending hours in counseling sessions to no avail? Are the kids missing half a year of school? Like I get being nice to someone during a trying time but this definitely feels like he’s taking advantage of you – and the company- at this point.

  13. Our Lady of Tralfamadore*

    I bet you understand why his wife divorced him ‘out of nowhere’ now, whew

      1. ferrina*

        rofl! Me too!!

        My ex claimed that our divorce came “out of nowhere”. The marriage had been very rocky for over a year, we’d been in marital counseling for months with no progress, and he’d been reneging or breaking commitments left and right. Yet he was a surprised Pikachu face when I said I was done.

        I’ve known several other people whose divorces came “out of nowhere” and in 90% of those, it was pretty darn obvious it was coming (though sometimes it really is out of nowhere!). I was giving Paul the benefit of the doubt, but it’s pretty hard based on OP’s letter.

        1. not nice, don't care*

          15 years, with many of those spent trying to explain actions & consequences, and my ex still cried ‘out of nowhere’.

          1. Bitte Meddler*

            17 years, with the last 2 being me saying, “If you continue to do X and Y, I cannot be in a relationship with you.”

            I said the same thing in front of three different marriage counselors. The counselors repeated it back to him, asking, “You understand that she’s saying if X and Y continue, then she will leave you?” And he always, *always* said, “Yes, I understand. That’s why I’m here; to work on this.”

            And then when X and Y not only continued but got worse and I told him I was done, he was shocked — shocked! — and told everyone we knew that I’d taken advantage of him for *years* by lying about loving him and that he was utterly blind-sided.

            That was in 2019 and I rolled my eyes so hard that they’re still partially stuck in that position.

        2. Boof*

          ouch shades of “I’m shocked you’re firing me even though I was on a PIP and regularly being told my work wasn’t up to par and it might happen!”

        3. Pay no attention...*

          Yeah, “out of nowhere” probably means they’ve been getting away with certain behavior/s for years, and despite your complaints about it for all of those years it’s “out of nowhere” that you won’t tolerate and forgive them anymore.

      1. H3llifIknow*

        Yep. I thought the same thing. Why kick Paul while he’s down? He doesn’t sound like a bad guy at all, just one that’s currently absorbed in his own …stuff.

        1. MigraineMonth*

          The human brain is built to generate meaning, create stories and connect the dots. The *only* things we know about Paul are:

          a) his wife and co-parent divorced him “out of nowhere”;

          b) he took a colleague’s offer of help as carte-blanche to push *all* his work and travel on them for five months (and counting) without apparent concern as to how it would affect his colleague.

          Given that unequal division of household and childcare labor and assumptions that women will always shoulder the majority of it are a common source of relationship stress, it’s kind of hard *not* to connect the only two dots we’ve been given. (Also, lots of people get divorced. Most don’t finagle a 5-month sabbatical at their coworker’s expense out of it. I’ll reserve the majority of my sympathy for LW in this scenario.)

          1. ferrina*

            Well said!
            This is where I’m at- yes, we have limited information about Paul, but the information that we do have isn’t painting him in a good light.

            Maybe this is abnormal for Paul, but either way, it’s not OP’s job to manage for Paul.

          2. Not on board*

            Yeah, my thinking was the same here. I connected those 2 dots as well.
            It’s possible that we’re genuinely wrong, but honestly? We’re probably right. It doesn’t make Paul a terrible person, or mean that Paul doesn’t deserve some sympathy. But someone willing to foist all their work on someone else for months on end is likely to also do the same type of thing to others in their life. The reason he didn’t do it before at work is because you can’t get away with that at work forever – but at home? Spouses will only put up with that for so long in most cases. Even if it felt out of nowhere to Paul, it’s likely it was a long time coming for his spouse.

            1. Cmdrshprd*

              “But someone willing to foist all their work on someone else for months on end is likely to also do the same type of thing to others in their life.”

              IDK that Paul is foisting all/100% of their work on OP, OP said they are managing all the teams work, not all of Paul’s work. If OP was doing all of Paul’s work I would expect that to be a much different letter:

              “I am doing all of my coworkers work and they are off dealing with their own life.”

              To me the scenario OP painted seems like OP and Paul each have their own individual work/projects, but also stuff that gets assigned to them as a team and they both work on, but OP has been doing most/majority/all of this general team assignments.

              If Paul has been getting paid for doing no work, that is outright fraud/theft, versus if Paul is getting paid 100% for 60-80% work/effort.

            2. Boof*

              I wouldn’t go so far as to say “we’re probably right!” i mean we really don’t know this person AT ALL, barely second hand knowledge. For all we know Paul struggles with depression, this is a horribly contentious divorce, etc etc – I admit the notion crossed my mind that maybe the two events are connected but my second thought after that one was “ouch, maybe don’t go there” – it could be accurate or could be wildly unkind to someone going through something really hard. And it’s not really actionable for the OP- op’s action item is it’s ok to set limits / ask for a longer term plan after giving a college going through something traumatic especially after a few weeks of extra work – no need to work endlessly without question to help out someone else

          3. Roland*

            I mean you can simply realize that conclusions based on exactly 2 data points are not to be trusted

          4. LBT*

            Same (WRT sympathy for the LW). I find it hard to believe any company would allow this to happen. Is Paul taking authorized time off? Or just not showing up when there are personal things he has to take care of? Surely management has to have some role in this — who allows people to make decisions like this amongst each other? Everywhere I have worked this would have required formal time off requests from Paul and a manager would have approached Paul’s coworker(s) to ask for assistance while he is out.

      2. Venus*

        I took it as a joking comment that Paul can be oblivious to the negative effect he has on others – it’s how he’s treating LW!

        1. Elbe*

          I took it the same way. I don’t think Our Lady of Tralfamadore’s comment is particularly helpful for the LW or kind to Paul, but it doesn’t seem inaccurate. The pattern of the “it came out of nowhere” claim being a sign of an emotionally neglectful spouse is so common that it has a name: Walkaway Wife Syndrome.

        2. Grenelda Thurber*

          Also agree. There are many, many ways Paul’s divorce could be “out of the blue” for him, and none of those reasons are relevant to the issue at hand: how should OP push back on doing an unspecified amount of a coworker’s work long term? All the rest is people making up reasons why Paul is a bad guy and probably deserves having his wife divorce him. I’m truly surprised that Alison has let this thread continue.

      4. It’s A Butternut Squash*

        Seriously. Also unless the implication is “his wife made broad offers and didn’t communicate her needs when he had exceeded what she actually meant to offer and expected him to read between the lonesome she got frustrated and overwhelmed” I don’t think it’s that accurate. Whether he’s taking advantage or oblivious or waiting for OP to let him know if things have gone too far because he thinks they’re good enough friends OP will be fine doing that or thinks he’s back at his old standard (or at least close) and doesn’t realize in his cloud of sadness that he’s not…the next step is for OP to communicate.

    7. SnowyRose*

      That’s pretty unkind. Yes, Paul needs to get his act together workwise and OP has been shouldering the burden for too long – no arguments there – but all we have is this tiny snapshot of his life.

    8. Friendo*

      When you experience a friend having a hard time at work because of their marriage do you laugh at them too?

      1. AngryOctopus*

        When someone allows you to take over 90% of their work while they truck along acting like that’s the new normal, is that OK? Because that’s what Paul is doing. I can 100% see him being the same at home.

        1. H3llifIknow*

          Pretty negative assumption based on facts not in evidence. No indication from the LW that Paul didn’t pull his weight before the divorce, so there’s no reason to make the WILD leap that he was lazy and oblivious at home.

        2. Reebee*

          “I can 100% see him being the same at home.”
          ————–

          Truly unkind and unnecessary.

      2. Frank Doyle*

        But this isn’t a friend at work, it’s a stranger who is the coworker of another stranger who is posting to an advice column. And we might not laugh at them (did anyone do that here?) but we might think to ourselves, “ah, I can see the connection between these two situations.”

    9. Vio*

      I think that’s a tad unfair. It’s perfectly possible that he’s the kind of person to take advantage of others at any opportunity but it’s just as possible that he’s just too absorbed in a really stressful divorce to realise how it’s effecting others.

    10. Luke*

      Yikes, this is a pretty hateful, mean, and unnecessary comment. What are you hoping to gain from being a jerk to someone you don’t know (and not knowing the actual circumstance?)

    11. Evelyn Karnate*

      Yep. Paul has stellar communication skills and emotional intelligence and he isn’t presumptuous at all. His wife must be completely unreasonable.

    12. sofar*

      I’ve had several people over the years crash with me after their divorce or breakup with a long-term partner. In every single case, I’ve always had an epiphany of, “Oh this divorce did not come ‘out of nowhere.'”

    13. Tammy 2*

      I had the same thought was on the verge of scolding myself for making uncharitable assumptions but I’m glad to see I’m not alone!

    15. Sundancer*

      Yes, I was wondering about that too! Of course it’s always possible that it WAS all the wife’s fault – if she was cheating on Paul, for example, and decided to blow up the marriage to run off with her affair partner.

      But it’s also possible that, at home, SHE was stuck with 90% of the housework and child-care, despite her also working outside the home or working remotely at a full-time job. In that case, she may finally have had it with having to live largely as a single mother (except for having a grown man – Paul – whom she also had to feed, clothe and clean up after!)

  14. Jet Blu*

    Divorce is hell. That’s true. But if everyone acted like this guy, half the population wouldn’t be working. It’s time he shouldered his own responsibilities. He’s taking advantage. Don’t feel a whit guilty when telling him his time is up. If I could do it as a single mom with three kids and zero help, he can do it. You’ve helped more than enough.

  15. Get off my lawn*

    maybe –generally–it’s generational, or a gender thing?
    but as a gen x woman, the number of horrific personal crises I have weathered is pretty high, and did as much as I could to not let it impact my work. when I finally had a life threatening situation with my kid that involved cross-country travel to see specialists, I first used FMLA and then reduced my FTE to half time, because I knew that as a full time worker I was not going to be able to fulfill what was expected of me.

    I get that it’s dysfunctional in some ways to white knuckle through deaths, divorces, life threatening health scares with our kids, mental health crises etc, but there are 2 sides to an extent, and being unable to function for months at work (despite being very willing to take home a full paycheck) during a divorce just seems super extreme to me.

    It just always surprises me that people are that fragile, and expect that level of accommodation. I can’t tell if I’m warped in my thinking, or just need to adjust to a new norm.

    1. bleh*

      I do think us Gen Xers were not taught “self care” or “setting boundaries at work.” We were taught to suck it up. I’m not sure it was ideal, but agree there is a middle ground between white knuckling and expecting others to pick up slack when you are struggling.

      1. Dust Bunny*

        Seconding (Gen Xer who would chew off her own arm before she’d ask this much of coworkers).

        But there is definitely a middle ground.

    2. Orv*

      I think this might be to some extent the result of “bulldozer parents” who smoothed over every obstacle for their kids; now when they experience adversity they just expect to let go and have someone else catch them.

  16. Jellyfish Catcher*

    What the….??!!
    EVEN – if Paul needed a whole off twice a month for X months,(court case, divorce lawyer) which is a lot of time for the divorce, he would still be in the office all day, 90% of each month!

    OP, tell him you won’t (don’t use “can’t”) do his work obligations anymore.
    Do not explain, apologize or justify-just the fact: “Paul, I won’t be able to continue doing your work obligations as of the day after tomorrow. So, I’ll return all your work to your desk from now on.”

    If he complains, guilt trips , etc, repeat like a broken record: “Paul, I won’t be able….”
    Also, go to your manager, as Alison recommended.

    1. HonorBox*

      Couldn’t agree more about your point about being available 90% of the time. Yes, there are a lot of details involved with divorce. And those take time. But people still get divorced, go through all the steps, and figure out ways to be present at work for large periods of time. OP’s offer seems more like, “Hey Paul when you need to go tour that new apartment, meet with your attorney, go to the bank, move out of your place, etc. I’ll be happy to cover for you.” But he’s basically MIA.

      And the point OP makes about traveling every day this month really gets me. While there may be some specific days Paul can’t travel, I have to believe that most (if not all) of those days would be known with enough time that he could at least offer to swap travel days with OP. He can’t be meeting with attorneys or dealing with kid stuff every day, right?

      1. Wonderland*

        To speculate, if the ex has disappeared and the children are young he might well have 100% care of them making overnight travel very difficult. (this is a thing he needs to discuss with the manager though, OP doing 100% of the travel when it’s that extensive shouldn’t be an option).

  17. JP*

    Ugh. My former CEO was going through a divorce last year and she was even more distracted and unavailable as usual. I was sympathetic at first, but it got to the point that her mental/physical absence and lack of focus really started to affect team morale and I almost wished she would just take a sabbatical or resign if she couldn’t do her job responsibilities which were affecting everyone else.
    Luckily I ended up finding a new job but a couple of other really valuable colleagues also left, a lot of it due to her just dropping the ball for so many months.

  18. Heather*

    I totally agree with the commentariat here that the LW should have a conversation with Paul and stop picking up all the work. However, I did want to throw out that divorce with kids can be super messy and take up a lot of time and 5 months to still be dealing with it doesn’t seem crazy to me.

    I’m a very organized person and in CA (which has a 6 month minimum waiting period between first filing and granting the divorce) it required documenting all assets, each moving out of the shared house, selling and splitting the cost of shared house, finding new childcare near my place of work and new home, court, finding notaries, etc. Not to mention emotional impacts of course. All of that to say is I have some sympathy for Paul – it can be a lot to tackle! But of course that should be something for management to help with

    1. Dust Bunny*

      Nobody is surprised that he’s still dealing with it, it’s just not reasonable that he’s dropped the ball this completely on his actual job for the duration.

  19. HonorBox*

    OP, I think I’d bypass Paul completely in this. Perhaps his interpretation of your offer was just “off” because it does sound like he’s been giving your manager feedback about your support. But it is time to go to your manager and stop covering for Paul. That you’re having to travel every day this month because he has attorney meeting and child needs seems like a lot and a real stretch, especially this far into the divorce proceedings.

    In my mind, it is cool for a coworker to cover some stuff for someone when they need to step out for an extended meeting, or they need a few personal days, or if they’re leaving early from time to time to visit with a counselor/therapist/clergy. But beyond that, management needs to step in to figure out how responsibilities are being covered. Also, I would expect that Paul’s meetings and kid coverage things aren’t every day, nor are they last minute notice kind of things, so the fact that you’re stepping into the breach and traveling every day just means no one has suggested that Paul needs to take some of that back. And again because your manager is aware, they should be having that chat with Paul.

    Talk to your manager. Paul being MIA for half a year seems like an awfully long time. Yes, there’s a major change happening in his life. Yes, there’s an adjustment period. Yes, there will be days when things are hitting the fan for him. But many people go through a divorce or similar major life events while also functioning at their work. If Paul isn’t doing that, management needs to step in to help him figure out how to proceed. It isn’t your job to fix, and you shouldn’t be left holding the bag for as long as you’ve been.

    1. samwise*

      In my mind, it is cool for a coworker to cover some stuff for someone when they need to step out for an extended meeting, or they need a few personal days, or if they’re leaving early from time to time to visit with a counselor/therapist/clergy.

      — Only the first seems reasonable to me. If they need to be out for a few days or are having to leave regularly (even if not often) for these kinds of meetings, that’s a manager decision, not an employee or co-worker decision.

  20. samwise*

    Having been the person who needed their work covered due to catastrophic family issues (not divorce): Paul needed to talk to **his manager** about covering his work, not you. Possibly he could have gone on FML. For all you know, your manager would not want you covering so much of Paul’s work for so long. It’s not really Paul’s decision nor yours to make.

    I do understand why you offered, and am not faulting you for it. But it’s time now to talk with Paul and also with your manager.

    1. goddessoftransitory*

      Yes. It’s time to stop treating this as an Amish barn building–it’s not discrete, there’s no end in sight, and Paul isn’t so much as hammering a nail. This needs to be dealt with under the manager’s oversight.

  21. el l*

    I’d like to know more what your conversations have been with Paul up to now.

    Did he give you an ETA on when things will return to normal, at least work wise?

    Does he understand that you are traveling every week to cover for him? Does he have an idea what effect this is having on your family life?

    Is he attempting at all to stay on top of his work, or has he just signed it off all to you? Does he seem like he’s doing any work at all?

    Because whatever the guy’s expressed about being appreciative, fear the answer to most/all of these is “No”.

    That’s why you have to start with that conversation with him, not the manager. If in doubt, go hard rather than soft – a little work may be a useful distraction – and these things need to be said.

  22. Llama Llama Workplace Drama*

    How many of us have gone through a divorce, with kids, and still been able to perform 99% of our jobs?! A whole lot of us I bet! Other than maybe a court date here and there I just don’t think this is a valid excuse to have your coworker take over 90% of your job?!

  23. SleeplessKJ*

    I’ve been through a divorce. And it was a divorce involving a ex who landed on the front page of our newspaper and brought the DA into our lives because my ex decided to get involved with one of his (high school) students. In other words: not easy. Not normal. Once the initial work is done (hiring of attorneys, move outs, sorting of children and arrangements) there’s not a lot to do in between. You need to let him know you’re happy to help when he’s got to take off or prepare for a meeting or a court call, but his day-to-day should be more or less back to a new normal by now. (Divorced can take YEARS. Fix this now.

  24. JFC*

    Paul sounds like a classic case of someone who takes a lot but gives nothing in return. In this case, he is taking advantage of your time and sympathy. You are getting nothing from him, not even an end to all of this in sight! It would be one thing if he had to miss an extra day or two here and there for new housing arrangements, childcare, court hearings, legal appointments, etc. It’s quite another to apparently be absent from work for months on end. It’s beyond time to put a stop to this. OP needs to clue in the manager ASAP and also make it clear to Paul that this arrangement can no longer continue.

    This doesn’t mean you can’t be sympathetic to Paul, and perhaps steer him in the direction of an EAP, counseling or other resources if that feels appropriate. But allowing him to continue to neglect his responsibilities and pile work on you unnecessarily is a bridge too far.

  25. just gonna say it*

    He’s taking advantage, in my opinion. Or he needs professional help and should be steered towards HR and your employer’s EAP. You can be sympathetic and understanding, but you can’t keep doing his job. My spouse died six months ago and I sure as heck am not back at full capacity, but I’m doing my own work and no one is covering for me. It’s horrible when your marriage ends not by your own choice, but it’s a sad reality for many people and we just have to keep going on and do the best we can.

  27. Kella*

    As someone who struggles really hard to ask for and accept help and always stresses about whether I’m asking too much or leaning on someone for too long, I really dislike the number of comments painting Paul as selfish and inconsiderate for relying on help that OP offered, when the inconsiderate thing he’s doing is something that OP *has never once complained about*. (The comparisons to his failed marriage also seem so unfair since that would imply that his ex-wife never once articulated the problems in their marriage, and that was somehow exclusively Paul’s fault.)

    I think the actual issue here is that there is a mismatch of expectations about whether this support was Temporary or Long Term. If help is Temporary, then the expectation is you will return to operating without the support at the earliest time possible. But if it’s Long Term (different from permanent) then you might negotiate a totally different arrangement in order to make the support sustainable. It’s clear OP offered the support to Paul intending it to be Temporary and it’s unclear whether Paul also thinks it’s temporary and is oblivious to the fact his “temporary” arrangement has been going long enough to count as long-term, or if he has an entirely different idea of the arrangement they have.

    As Alison said, ideally Paul would’ve checked in at some point to make sure OP was still okay offering this support. But also, after the first month, I think OP could’ve contacted Paul to get their shared expectations clear and make a plan that worked for both of them. That way, there would have been some time for the emotional shock to wear off and it wouldn’t feel so cold and calculated to discuss timelines with Paul as it would if OP had tried to explicitly negotiate those expectations at the very start.

    But I do deeply hate the fact that “Take as much time as you want” is a statement you are socially obligated to assume isn’t true.

    1. Hroethvitnir*

      I do think people are by and large being way too harsh, but I don’t think it’s too much to understand that when someone offers open-ended help you should check in periodically to make sure it’s OK.

      “He’s been expecting it to end but isn’t going to bring it up” is very much an option and it may end up being a pretty stress-free conversation! One can hope.

    2. Dust Bunny*

      It’s a statement that isn’t meant to be taken to this extent, in any reasonable context. No reasonable person thinks it means, “Do most of my job indefinitely”.

      The LW needs to push back on this with both Paul and his managers, and Paul needs to do more to manage it himself.

    3. Allonge*

      The issue here is more that ‘take as much time as you want’ is not something a coworker can realistically offer. A true open-ended commitment is for management to decide on. Also, yes, please assume it’s never fully open-ended as in 99% of cases it’s not.

      A peer can offer to step in for an afternoon if you need to run out and pick up a sick family member or if you are having a bad day. A group of coworkers can step up for someone having a rough month.

      But none of that means that the person in a rough situation has no responsibility to manage the situation. And Paul is not managing it at all, towards OP at least, most likely also not toward management. For FIVE months! That is just not on.

    1. Lurker*

      I think people are being a little overly harsh towards Paul. I think starting with a conversation with Paul is probably better than going nuclear immediately. If there’s no progress after that, then LW can speak to their manager like Alison suggested.

  29. Generic Name*

    I’ve been thinking about this question for a while today. I will share my experience having gone through a tough divorce involving children while working full time. I told my boss and a handful of close coworkers I was getting divorced. Shortly after that, a project I had been working on required a significant amount of fieldwork, so I quickly began working 50 and 60 hour weeks when I didn’t have my child. The weeks I had them, I worked at least 40, because I had childcare dialed in. In the 10 ish years since my divorce, my ex has repeatedly taken me back to court, and also stopped paying child support. In those 10 years I dated, met my husband, got a promotion, left my old company for a new job with significantly higher pay, and got another promotion at my new job. So let me just say I’m giving “Paul” some serious side-eye for coasting at his job on OP’s back. OP, please bring this up to your manager and let them allocate responsibilities. You do not need to be doing 2 people’s jobs. You’ve been more than understanding to Paul, and from an outside perspective, it looks like he’s taking advantage of you.

  30. Elsa*

    OK, here’s the line from this letter that bothered me the most: “I know that he has let some of our executive team know about his divorce, but not everyone we work with knows, which also makes things awkward when people ask where he is or if he is off.”

    OP isn’t just covering Paul’s work, she’s also basically expected to lie on his behalf in order to preserve his privacy!

    This is really messed up. In general if you don’t want to share what’s going on in your personal life with people at work, then you need to keep the effect of your personal life on work really minimal. Once your personal life is heavily affecting everyone at wok then the people affected are going to need to know – not all the gory details, but the basic information.

    If OP has also been lying to the manager about how little work Paul is doing, that is obviously also a serious problem that can get both of them in trouble.

  31. Nicola*

    One concern I have is that 5 months is long enough for the OP doing Paul’s work to have become the new normal. It might be hard to shift back to the more equal workload OP (hopefully) once had 5 months ago, without some very strict boundaries being set up, and a willingness on OP’s part to just let some tasks not be completed, if they’re technically Paul’s. This post reminds me of a post in which the one woman going into the office during an early covid lockdown ended up doing all of everyone’s admin and meeting tasks, and her doing these went on for so long, that everyone, her manager included, then viewed those as her job; her manager blanched and colleagues kicked up when she tried to scale back to just her original role, and updates saw nothing change for her. OP needs to nip this double workload of carrying Paul’s job and all travel in the bud asap.

    There is no doubt in my mind that OP should calmly meet with her (my suspicion is, OP is female) manager, and thoroughly explain just what % of tasks and travel she has been carrying for almost half a year, and that this double load has exhausted her so she is unable to keep carrying it. Maybe ask for a raise or some flexible accommodations at the same time, why not. I suspect the manager has no idea just how much OP has been doing; most people are extremely unlikely to spell out to their managers “I’ve not done 90% of my work, or any of my travel, or even shown up for full days, for half a year” and Paul is probably no exception.

    FWIW when I divorced I took 2 hours off to sign the paperwork (and my manager was huffy about even just that) and then worked all my hours and duties as normal. Sure people’s experiences vary, but half a year is unconscionable in all but the most extreme circumstances. Paul might find OP’s new boundaries also “come out of nowhere;” some people just don’t realise or care about the burden they interminably place on others, and as other commenters have noted, Paul might have form here.

  32. Banana Pyjamas*

    So many speculation comments, I didn’t read through it all, so I’m sorry if this suggestion was already made. I usually try to email management immediately if I address something this important with a co-worker and they aren’t receptive. Since you know you will be having this conversation, it would be beneficial to have a draft ready to go.

  33. jojo*

    Why is he taking off work to care for kids? They should be in school or daycare. Where were they before the divorce started?

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