Mortification Week: the security tape, the marital argument, and other stories to cringe over

by Alison Green on August 1, 2024

It’s Mortification Week at Ask a Manager and all week long we’ve been revisiting ways we’ve mortified ourselves at work. Here’s the final installment — 12 more mortifying stories people have shared here over the years.

1. The pumping room

I had just started a new job shortly after having my first child and had to pump in my office. I didn’t have the money to purchase an expensive, hands-free pump so I was using the free pump from my insurance that plugged into a wall and required my shirt/bra to be off if I didn’t have fancy nursing clothes on that day.

I figured since I had a private, lockable office, I should be able to pump privately without significant issue. I was wrong. Just to be safe, I had made a small sign that said “pumping, please do not disturb” to make sure no one thought I was ignoring them if I failed to respond to a knock.

One afternoon while I was just finishing up pumping, I heard a knock at my door. I called out, “I’m pumping right now, please come back later.” The person started jiggling the door handle. I experienced a rapid-fire roller coaster of emotions (panic — did I forget to lock the door? Relief — thank goodness, the lock worked! back to horror — are those keys I hear jingling?). I could hear the person on the other side of the door, so I knew they could hear me. I called out, “Do not come in here! I am pumping and I need privacy!” and for some reason, the response I got back was, “It’s okay!” and they CONTINUED TO UNLOCK AND OPEN THE DOOR.

In desperation, I yelled at the top of my lungs, “I AM NAKED AND IF YOU PUSH THAT DOOR OPEN FURTHER, YOU WILL SEE MY BREASTS” as I rushed to try to throw my shirt back on. I caught a glimpse of an absolutely horrified young man in the doorway. After a minute of him freezing in shock, he slammed the door shut and I could hear him saying, “Oh my God, oh my God” as he ran down the hallway.

The worst part? In my panicked rush, one of the containers of my milk spilled all over the room. And all of our cleaning supplies were stored in the janitor’s office so I got to see my new little buddy almost immediately. I walked in to get some paper towels to find him shaking in the office, trying to explain to his boss what chaos he had just unleashed. Turns out he was a teenager who had only ever heard of pumping in the context of “pumping irons/working out” so he thought it would be fine to just pop in and talk to whoever was lifting weights in the office.

The other worst part? My office hallway was (usually) a very quiet, peaceful place so my yelling attracted quite the crowd as people came running over to see what was wrong just in time for the door to be opened. I’m fairly confident all of my new coworkers saw me topless although they were kind enough to pretend they had not.

About to have my second child in a month or two so we’ll have to see what happens this time around. Maybe I’ll push a desk in front of the door just to be safe! I asked my boss, who kindly suggested we order a large sign that says “I AM NAKED AND YOU WILL SEE MY BREASTS IF YOU OPEN THIS DOOR,” although we may need to run that one by HR first!

2. The donation request

At a college library we were collecting food donations and the organization gave us a list of their highest need items. I retyped the list for marketing and sent it off so we could get some fliers. A little while later, a marketing staffer calls me laughing hysterically and says, “You wrote on here that one of the requested donations is porn and beans. By any chance did you mean pork and beans?”

3. The phone interview

I was interviewing for a part-time job through my college where I’d be mentoring students. During the phone interview, in response to some question (unsure of what they asked that could have prompted this!), I rambled a bit and then concluded with, “Actually, I guess thinking about it, I don’t really like kids.” I then panicked and hung up.

I did not get the job.

4. The argument

I was asked to produce an all-audio live event on a special new audio platform. It was a two-day conference where I didn’t know many of the participants or listeners, but it was a fun challenge! I hit a bit of a snag when the first event started and I needed to record audio on my end without destroying the audio feed quality. The test run was fine but we all know the live moment is sometimes different!

I asked my husband (way better at tech) for help resetting the microphone — except that I hated his advice, and argued with him loudly about how to fix it and what would work for me and what wouldn’t, and it got briefly heated.

And then I heard another voice on the line: “Is this the conference? This is hilarious. I want to keep listening to this!” And then my boss’s voice: “Uh, next time you do this, can you mute? You have about 1,000 listeners.” It had gone on for literally five minutes before I realized I was broadcasting myself instead of the speakers.

5. The straw

It was my first day at a summer job (I was still in college) and my new boss took me to lunch. I was drinking iced tea with a straw, but watching my boss rather than staring down at my glass, so at one point when I dipped my head down to take a sip, I missed, and the straw went up my nose. I immediately raised my head … and the straw stayed in my nostril and sprayed iced tea all over the table.

6. The mints

A coworker of mine came down to my cubicle for a quick chat. She was standing in the hallway at the entrance to my cubicle as she updated me on a new training initiative. She reached into the pocket of her pants and pulled out a couple of mints (wrapped in plastic) and tossed one at me and unwrapped the other one before putting it in her mouth. We continued chatting for a couple of minute and wrapped up our conversation. As she turned to leave I said, “What else do you have in those pants for me?”

As it came out of my mouth, I realized what I said, and how it did not sound like I was asking for another mint. I started laughing and apologizing and she gave me the side eye and then laughed as well. My boss’s office was next door and he immediately popped out to the hallway because of course I was loud enough for him to hear. We all laughed it off.

7. The beat

I was a teaching assistant for music classes at a university. I was trying to explain to my students, who were pretty new to music studies, that a piece in 3/4 time had a section that was temporarily in duple time. Rather than using “technical” language like “So, as you see in these measures, Stravinsky creates a pattern of a quarter note followed by a quarter rest,” I said, “So, as you can see here, Stravinsky writes beat, off, beat, off, beat, off….” Then I realized I’d been repeatedly saying “beat off” in front of my class. I could not compose myself. I turned beet red and laughed uncontrollably for about two minutes. The rest of the class was punctuated by me periodically sputtering, laughing, and struggling to regain my dignity.

8. The sandwich shop

Went to work feeling OK; worked a few hours, took lunch. Ate lunch at a sandwich shop.

About an hour after getting back I was feeling awful.

Went to ask my boss if I could go home and threw up all over her office while asking.

9. The security tapes

I was a management intern at a well-known retailer a million years ago. I was in the back working on the schedule, and lost track of time. I walked out of the office towards the exit only to see the evening manager walking to his car. He locked me in the store for the night.

It was a serious “WTF?” moment, and much to everyone’s amusement, there were security tapes that showed me in a panic and pounding on the glass screaming.

I walked out the back door and set off the fire alarm. The fire department came, but I left before they showed up.

10. Not muted

During the early days of the pandemic, I was on a group call about A Very Important Topic and had a, um, bathroom emergency in the call. I thought I was muted. I was … not. To this day, I have never admitted it was me.

11. The delivery

Years ago I had ordered an expensive pair of sunglasses from a high fashion designer. The delivery needed a signature. Instead of just telling my boss I had to be home to sign for a delivery, I used messenger on my computer to ask one of my friends, “What’s a good, boring thing to say I need to be home to sign for – I can’t tell my boss I need to stay home to sign for sunglasses.” She later wrote back, “I don’t know – maybe an appliance? Groceries that need to be refrigerated?”

Well – my laptop was the one we were using at that moment in a major department meeting – with my whole screen mirrored on the big conference room screen – and her reply and our whole exchange popped up on the screen for all to see. Oops. I was mortified. Luckily my boss is cool and just asked me the next day, “So what kind of sunglasses did you get?” Now I know enough to not give details and just say I need to be home for a delivery/signature!

12. The misspeaking

I was once interviewing for a job at a school, and the interviewer (the head of school) asked for an example of how I got buy-in around a program I created. This was after a long day with lots of interviews and so while I was trying to say “I had a lot of success with…” what I actually said was “I had a lot of sex with faculty.” I withdrew from that search for many reasons, but this was definitely one of them.

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{ 238 comments }

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  1. LCH*

    #1, but whyyyyyyy did he need to get in there to talk to this unknown person so badly? whyyyyy.

    1. Expelliarmus*

      It sounds like this guy was part of custodial staff, so I guess he was just REALLY trying to clean OP #1’s office.

      1. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

        Probably a “get it done no matter what” mentality, often when people are like this it comes from having been raked over the coals before about a missed deadline / area that had not been cleaned / some work task that wasn’t completed.

      2. MassMatt*

        I was wondering why a teenager had keys to this person’s office, custodial staff makes sense and yet IME they generally clean offices off-hours. WTH. I hope he was fired.

        1. Nicole Maria*

          I was thinking the same thing, I would have pushed to let this person go after that.

      3. Emma the Strange*

        Collecting trash or something similar seems more likely to me—probably thought something like “oh I’ll just be in and out really quick, it won’t be a problem.”

      5. I forgot my user name again*

        I have worked with a lot of younger people in the past, in retail. They used to knock on the bathroom door while I was peeing to ask me a question. I’m guessing that doesn’t happen as much with GenZ , sine they are into work boundaries.

    3. LlamaLibrarian*

      I once had someone come out to my workplace (a branch of a library system) to fix a computer. He wanted to talk to me about it when he was done. The only problem was that I was halfway through pumping. I did not have my own office or any private space, so I was in our shared breakroom with a sign on the door (I did always pump with a handsfree bra and a banket wrapped around me, so you couldn’t see anything). He kept insisting I come out and talk to him, which I couldn’t just do. I asked if he could wait and he said no. I finally said, “If he really needs to talk to me, he can come in here, but I AM PUMPING BREASTMILK RIGHT NOW.”

      He had four kids, so I thought he’d realize that you can’t just. . .stop halfway. Guess he didn’t.

    4. sacados*

      Plot twist, the kid from that story writes in to the next “tell us about embarrassing mistakes you made early in your career” roundup to talk about the time when, confronted with a locked door and do not disturb sign, his reaction was to think “Of course, I should whip out my keys and go inside anyway.” He still wakes up in a cold sweat thinking why?? WHAT WAS I THINKING???

      2. duinath*

        I mean, not only a sign that says “do not disturb”, he was also told to “come back later”, he was also told, out loud with words “I need privacy”. I don’t know what was going through his mind, because “I thought they were working out” is so far from a good reason to go against someone’s expressly stated wishes the way he did.

        I guess what I’m saying is, I would also be mortified in the moment? But I would transition into anger very quickly.

        2. Frank Doyle*

          Yeah, I am LIVID after reading that story. I hope that dumb kid learned his lesson and now respects people’s privacy.

          1. Hibiscus*

            I’m also literally furious after reading it, but primarily because it caused her to spill the milk. I can just imagine myself in that situation, as a breastfeeding mom right now. You can’t just make or buy more, there’s a limited supply each day. In fact the amount of rage I feel is so intense, there’s got to be a hormonal component to it, yikes. I guess the consolation is his embarrassment, but he probably wouldn’t have understood the practical and emotional impact of the spilling part.

            1. Ally McBeal*

              People who say “don’t cry over spilled milk” have never pumped breastmilk.

              Granted, I haven’t either, but I’ve sat with my best friend while she has, and listened to her cry when she left some out on the counter all day while she was at work (new-mom brain, ya know). That stuff is liquid gold.

            2. Boof*

              yea right? I admit I went from “lulz” to “HORROR HORROR THIS IS THE WORST” when I read that. “liquid gold!” it’s so hard to make + all the hormones around MY BABY NEEDS THIS*
              *YBMV but I always had to supplement mine so I always had that as a fallback and I suspect if baby is bottle feeding that would do if needed but those who have not been there will not understand the ALL OR NOTHING BREAST IS BEST ARE YOU A GOOD MOM OR ARE YOU FAILING YOUR CHILD that creeps into breastfeeding on top of maternal hormones (which for me were more extreme anxiety than depression)

              1. Red_Coat*

                SO TRUE. I exclusively pumped (bad latch and a shitty lactation consultant so no help) so my kid was bottle fed. THE LOOKS, real and imagined, whenever we were in public and gave him a bottle made my anxiety/depression so much worse.

                1. SimonTheGreyWarden*

                  Exclusive pumping twins! Same reasons. And yeah, I definitely felt the need to justify myself a LOT when bottle-feeding him in public.

                2. Unions Are Good, Actually*

                  I can’t say what people are thinking, of course, but I personally never assume someone who’s bottlefeeding their infant is using formula. It could easily be pumped breast milk.

                  (That said formula is fine, and even necessary in many cases, so there’s nothing wrong with using it and anyone who’s giving anyone the sideeye about how they’re feeding their baby is being a huge jerk.)

            4. kicking-k*

              Yes, I would have cried. It’s SUCH hard work and that little container would represent a lot of time and effort!

              1. Rosamond*

                I did cry when my container of freshly pumped milk leaked all over the pumping bag and the hallway outside the pumping room, and the IT guy walking by had to run and get me paper towels while I sobbed. Only now almost 7 years later can I laugh about it.

            5. Trudy*

              This! My child is now 9 so I am far removed from this experience, and I still am horrified at the idea of spilling milk. I remember how difficult it can be to produce milk for a pump. That stuff is hard-won. I’d be so angry.

          2. Grumpus*

            Me too. Being young or thinking that the LW was exercising is no excuse. Honestly, I think he deserved to be fired.

            1. Bossy*

              Ha that’s what I was going to say. I am easy going in many ways and do not get worked up about much but that entire scenario was ridiculous. If someone says don’t come in here , the response should not be no it’s ok for me to come in. And if it was a male voice who said don’t come in how much do you wanna bet he would’ve complied.

              1. JTP*

                Most teenagers, when told, “Come back later, I need privacy,” will indeed, come back later.

                3. Humble Schoolmarm*

                  Alas, no, teen brains get very stuck in”but this must be done NOW” and generally are terrible at reading the room. I’m guessing the OPs reaction was punishment enough.

            4. Meep*

              Honestly, thinking LW is exercising comes off as creepy. Was he hoping to see her in tight clothes?

          3. nodandsmile*

            Totally agree. Even if he didn’t know why, he was explicitly told not to come in and the person needed privacy. Who then goes “I hear you, but I’m going to UNLOCK THE LOCKED DOOR and come in anyway.” What was so urgent that he needed to unlock the door and breach the person’s privacy RIGHT THEN? Was the room on fire, or filling with odorless poisonous gas?

    5. Dhaskoi*

      This was my exact thought. Do not disturb sign, locked door, person on the other side insisting you can’t come in – how does that lead to the conclusion that using a master key to go in anyway is a good diea?

      2. MMR*

        Seriously I don’t understand how you reach your teenage years and still think that’s somehow acceptable. Regardless of what someone tells you they’re doing, if someone is in a locked room with a “do not disturb” sign up and tells you not to come in, don’t freaking come in.

  2. Timothy*

    For LW#1, I can’t imagine what kind of janitorial emergency this new employee thought existed, that he had to use his passkey to enter an office, even while the occupant was clearly telling them loudly not to enter. It boggles the mind.

    1. Paint N Drip*

      I’m imagining maybe a midwestern office where young-janitor was hearing ‘you don’t want to come in here’ deferential-type language instead of ‘DON’T come in here!!’ but one would think ‘naked’ might stop him lol

    2. dog lady*

      Good lord, I would be LIVID. Hope that young man learned his lesson, both about what pumping is/why women need privacy for it, and more generally, about when to NOT use your keys to enter a LOCKED ROOM when someone is telling you not to come in!!!

      1. Someone Else's Boss*

        I agree. I get this story was shared for a laugh, but it made me very uneasy. Even if all I was doing was eating lunch, there is absolutely no reason to use a key to get into my locked office. In what circumstance/region would that seem normal? I think this young man is lucky I was not the employee he walked in on because I’m afraid I wouldn’t have let this slide.

        1. Computer-Man*

          I worked in IT at a school and kept my office locked even when I was inside – largely to keep kids out, but also so I didn’t have staff barging in. I had a few instances where people would try to come in with a key instead of knocking. Which I didn’t get; either I’m there and can help you, or I’m not, in which case you don’t *need* to be in here. My office was always a mess and I had numerous projects going that I’d rather not have disturbed; if you were going to drop something on my desk with a note, it was probably going to get lost.

          I think the most egregious was when we got a new principal who not only did this while I was in there, but it was just to show a new staff member around! That new principal trod on everyone’s toes, and was eventually forced out after running the school into the ground and alienating several longterm (and very good) teachers who found jobs elsewhere. Fortunately I got out before a lot of the asinine policies and ideas she’d started instituting.

          1. Ellis Bell*

            Yeah, trying to get the privacy of a locked door in schools is really difficult. I would say that only our headteacher’s office is treated with any respect. Even when you’ve locked the door, and they don’t have a key there’s knocking and “hello, you’ve locked the door?”

          2. Craig*

            God I hated the people that’d leave a note instead of sending an email especially as I moved around a lot. I might not be there for 3 days to see a note but I can get email and handle it.

    3. Orv*

      Seriously. I always knock on the door and listen before opening an office with my master key, even if I’m sure the person isn’t in the building.

    4. Double A*

      The fact that he was a teenager goes a long way in this story. There’s just some connections that are not fully fused yet. I can absolutely see a teen being in “must do task” mode and just failing to register all the reasons he needs to stop attempting to do the task. This experience probably helped solidify that “Pay attention to what the person behind the closed door is saying” connection that was only half formed before.

      1. LW 1 here*

        Double A, I think you hit the nail on the head. I had commented to someone below who really wanted to know if he had any repercussions but based on our future interactions, he really took this as a learning experience and has been VERY conscientious about knocking (and respecting the response) since this time. I’m still planning on buying a deadbolt, bank vault lock, or something else for pumping with my upcoming second child just for my own peace of mind! but I truly do think this kid learned his lesson

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Your company should spring for a rubber door stopper if they don’t want to install a chain.

        3. Seashell*

          I didn’t have a lock that worked on my office, so I would put a non-rolling office chair in front of the door when I pumped. Usually, people in my office were respectful about waiting for an answer after knocking, but I had one occasional office visitor who knocked and then opened immediately, and the chair stopped him from seeing anything.

        4. Jo*

          LW 1, I’m sure this must have been mortifying, for both you and your colleague. I have to say though that your boss’s suggestion for the sign on the door gave me a laugh I really needed. Maybe you should word it like this: Bob: (replace with name of coworker who walked in on you) I am naked and you will see my breasts if you open this door. Everyone else: Do not disturb

        5. goddessoftransitory*

          I’m glad he took the right lesson away, possibly involving “If knocking and waiting for a response, take out your earbuds” as part of it.

      2. I'm just here for the cats!!*

        I don’t know about that. Even at 18 or 19 if you hear someone say to go away and they need privacy you don’t just enter!

        1. Someone Else's Boss*

          Agreed. If my 11 year old nephew used a key to open a door when I was actively telling him not to, he would be punished and he’s not even my employee. I don’t really care if this was someone’s kid there for the day, if you can’t behave appropriately I don’t think you have any business in an office building. But I’m glad the LW doesn’t seem to hold a grudge – can’t say I’d be as forgiving.

          1. Double A*

            I don’t think it’s that this teen has no concept of privacy, just that he had a very teen type of brain fart.

          2. Ellis Bell*

            Okay, but by “punishment” you probably don’t mean anything actually punitive just for the sake of it, you would just do whatever required to make them see the importance of the issue. I’m sure there’s been times when your son has messed up, but they’ve been so mortified or shaken that it’s a punishment in itself.

            1. Nicole Maria*

              I mean if this was someone whose employment I had a say in, I would definitely let them go after this.

      4. GrumpyPenguin*

        He really sounds like a naive teenager on his first job ever. To be fair, I never associated the word “pumping” with pumping breastmilk either, it’s very uncommon where I live. But I definitely would have stopped when OP said to please come back later. Those “Please don’t disturb” signs exist for a reason.

          1. GrumpyPenguin*

            I’m from Germany and while some mothers do pump, it’s mostly because of medical reasons or because the baby only accepts a bottle. The maternity leave is also longer than in the US so mothers can take more time before returning to work. Mothers here take about 15 month leave on average, fathers about 4 month.

          2. Lexi Vipond*

            I don’t know stats, but it is less common where maternity leaves are usually a year or so (or if mothers are expressing milk during that time, they’re much more likely to be doing it at home).

            UK controversies are generally about space to breastfeed in public places, rather than space to pump at work.

            1. GrumpyPenguin*

              We have the same controversies here, mostly because breastfeeding mothers aren’t protected by law and there are no official laws about that. Technically, owners of shops, restaurants and so on could ban you, but that is extremly unlikely to happen.

              1. Lellow*

                Oh, breastfeeding anywhere is protected by law in the UK, thankfully! I have to say, I’ve never really encountered much controversy around it.

            2. kicking-k*

              Agreed. I was asked if I wanted a space to pump in at work, but by the time I returned I’d been off for almost fourteen months (in the UK, where you can often add accumulated annual leave to your 12-month mat leave) so I didn’t need to.

          3. Myrin*

            I mean, not really on a grand scale, though – I never know the word for either the action or the device in my native language (I keep looking it up whenever I see it on English-speaking internet and then I forget again) because it basically never gets brought up, and I really only learned it’s a whole thing when I started reading AAM in my early twenties simply because you don’t really encounter it here.
            By the time new mothers return to work here, they usually don’t produce breastmilk anymore.

          4. Ellis Bell*

            I am only really exposed to the word in American media, or on here. Women’s breastfeeding tends to be over by the time women return from maternity leave in the UK. I have lots of small children and babies in my social circle, not one of them has a mum who pumps; they do breastfeed though!

            1. londonedit*

              Yep, same – I’ve never worked anywhere with a dedicated room for pumping, I guess because most women stop breastfeeding before their maternity leave ends. I had a couple of friends whose babies struggled with breastfeeding so they’d express milk for the baby to drink from a bottle, but again, they’d stopped doing that by the time they went back to work.

    5. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      Actually I can imagine a few situations, such as he got directions to fix something. It was an ongoing issue for a while when maintenance people would go into peoples offices. They would knock and just walk in or unlock the doors, while people were in private meetings or with counseling clients. There was one guy who was a bit argumentative “well I just need to check X” Sometimes people just can’t get it through their heads that they can’t just barge into someone’s office.

      1. AFac*

        We have issues with maintenance and chemistry labs. We’re not insisting you need to check in with us first before entering labs because we’re divas or hiding some secret stash of gold, we’re asking you to check with us because some of the things we have around can be extremely hazardous if we’ve not had a chance to make things safe for outsiders to come in.

      2. New Jack Karyn*

        High school teacher here. I’ve made pals with the custodian and the main secretary, but they had to send a specialist to my classroom to fix something once. He wanted to use his drill–right in the middle of class! I asked if he could wait ten minutes–after that it was lunch and then my prep period. He said, “No!” packed up his tools and left.

        1. Humble Schoolmarm*

          Yeah, you’d get a fair amount of “knock and wait for permission” modeling in schools, but custodians and maintenance people do tend to just walk in while school is in session. (oddly, they are usually more polite about permission after the kids leave, but our anti-hero wouldn’t know that).

    6. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      It just sounds like he wanted to bro-bond with whoever was “pumping” and didn’t even think that unlocking a locked door was any big deal since he was given a key. s/

      He needs to be taught that he should never let himself into an occupied office regardless of what the person is doing.

    7. Meri*

      I might be wrong, but the way that I read it, there was no janitorial reason to go in, but he wanted to pop in and chat to the weightlifter.

  3. MyDogIsCalledBradleyPooper*

    I was reading #6 The Mints, thinking boy that sounds like an experience that happened to me and then I realized it was me! I chuckle every time I recall that story. If I ever write an autobiography it has to be called “What else do you have in those pants for me?”

  4. Jennifer Strange*

    I hope the guy in #1 learned that when someone says don’t come in, you listen to them no matter what you think they’re doing in there.

    1. honeygrim*

      Yeah, that astounds me. No matter what she was doing, she specifically said “Do not come in here” and he entered anyway. There is no context in an office where I’d do that. I mean, I know she said he was new, but one would hope he brought his brain to work.

      1. Emily of New Moon*

        The only time that I can think of when it would be okay to take out the keys and enter a locked door when specifically told not to, would be if you’re the police and it’s literally a life-or-death emergency and you thought that the person saying “Don’t come in,” was the criminal. Given that the person was a teenager, I doubt it was the case.

  5. Seeing Guy*

    This one is mild but fun.

    I’ve recently taken up sewing to make my own shirts, and I’m getting creative with patterns and such.

    This led to me logging into a Teams call and immediately hearing, “Hey what are you wearing” as my opposite-gender boss wanted to know which shirt design I’d put on that day.

    2. Dust Bunny*

      I was once discussing a garment that a friend hand seen online. It involved some creative bosom shaping and a fun farm animal print.

      The words “underbust chicken convergence” were typed.

      1. It's Suzy now*

        I really wanted the next reply to be from your friend who didn’t know you were both on AAM. Because if there ever was an anonymity-busting sentence, that is it.

      2. RLC*

        I am a quilter. Any form of “chicken convergence” on any stitched fabric is so easy to imagine for those of us who spend hours carefully cutting and assembling our fabric for perfect print placement.

    3. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      Did you respond, “Uhhhh… khakis.” (the original Jake from State Farm)

      2. Mad Harry Crewe*

        Exactly. I had to learn a similar lesson once – my house growing up was knock-once-then-enter (except for the bathroom) and it turns out that does not apply to one’s college housemates. I apologized, there was no major harm done, and I have never again let habit/muscle memory carry me through a closed bedroom door.

        This kid, though! The door was LOCKED.

      3. Peanut Hamper*

        Very much this. He was a teenager. He had other things on his mind.

        At least he had the decency to be shocked by what he had done and run quickly in the opposite direction.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I am actually impressed that he ran directly to his boss to say that he messed up.

          2. Peanut Hamper*

            That’s starting to make me wonder if someone walked past the office, saw LW was pumping, and then decided to prank the newbie. In which case, I feel really bad for this kid.

    2. Ess Ess*

      My brain immediately went to a Morgan Freeman voiceover…. “It was, in fact, NOT okay.”

      1. Jennifer Strange*

        Ha! And your comment immediately makes my brain go to a Ron Howard Arrested Development voice over.

    3. ampersand*

      These mortification stories serve as a good reminder that our brains truly aren’t fully developed until waaaay after we’ve technically reached adulthood! I’m also hopeful that everyone who wrote in with a story (or had a story told about them) learned an important lesson in Acceptable Behavior At Work/Things Never To Do Again.

      1. ampersand*

        Just wanted to add that I don’t mean that in a judgmental way! These stories make me feel better about the stupid stuff I’ve done (mostly in my teens and 20s). :)

      2. Mad Harry Crewe*

        This myth is based on a serious misreading of the research. The study found that brain plasticity did not end – and they stopped TRACKING their subjects at age 24. The original hypothesis was that brains get less plastic in the late teens – when their data didn’t support that, they extended the study… and extended it again… and finally gave up looking. “Brains keep changing into adulthood (and we don’t have data after age 24)” became “brains don’t finish maturing until age 24” in the press, which is a whole different kettle of fish.

        What that means is that brains are flexible and continue to change well into adulthood, possibly our whole lives – not that young brains are especially “immature” or “unfinished.”

    4. firelizard*

      Yeah, that’s *such* a hot-button phrase for me. If someone sets a boundary, you do not get to tell them it’s ok. They just told you it’s not! Sometimes it’s used as part of some clarifying statement, but generally it’s a reeeeeally bad thing to say about someone else’s boundary. You only get to decide what’s ok *for yourself* not someone else.

      (And if someone tells you to stop something you don’t think you need to, you should stop anyway long enough to find out why. E.g. You go to put something down, someone yells “stop” you ignore them and burn yourself because the place you were putting it was a still-hot electric stove.)

  7. Not A Manager*

    I’m unreasonably angry at the intruder in #1. Regardless of what you thought “pumping” means, a locked door, a sign that says keep out, AND someone screaming inside the room? This is like those cartoons with “danger/this means you/keep out/skull and crossbones.”

    1. Kaywinnet Lee Frye*

      I’m right there with you. He made her spill the milk – that stuff is gold!

        1. Arrietty*

          Same. I quit pumping more than two years ago and I still had a visceral response to the spill.

    2. Thrillian*

      I have never in my life needed to know more of the aftermath of a story than I do this one. I need LW#1 to find out what kid’s boss heard was kid’s reasoning. Was he fired? Keys taken away during work hours? Did we ever find out what he so desperately needed to talk with her about? Was he just really excited about weight-lifting and thought he could spot her? Did he want to find out how she got clearance to bring gym equipment to work?

      1. Ex-prof*

        It sounds like a case of master key power madness. I’ve seen it happen to older and wiser folk.

      2. LW 1 here*

        Sorry, I feel like this will be a boring update but nobody was fired! the poor kid fell over himself apologizing, and he and his boss had a serious discussion about appropriate workplace behavior. He may have been even more mortified than I was, and that’s saying something! He was brand new to the job, had apparently wanted to make a good impression to his supervisor by cleaning all of the offices really fast, and my office has been empty until that day so he was on autopilot. I still don’t know what he was thinking coming in when I said not to (and he couldn’t explain it either, just kept saying “I don’t know how I could be so stupid”). I don’t have to go in to the office that often now, this all happened literally my first week of on- site training. fantastic first impression! But I will say the few times I have come in since, if my door is locked he knocks and then only enters if I clearly state to come in. so I truly do believe he learned his lesson that day. I was sad to lose the milk but I think he just made a stupid judgement call and definitely learned from it…..still planning to buy a deadbolt or something the next time around- don’t want to take any chances!

        1. Double A*

          People are being really hard on this poor kid but this is so typical teen. Sometimes information that doesn’t comport with what they’re thinking just bounces off. And it is absolutely how they learn lessons. Which it sounds like he did!

          1. Former professor*

            Yes, I think I’ve mentioned here before that I had to add a “it’s absolutely fine to be late if you oversleep but need to eat and take anti-seizure medications before class to avoid having a seizure during class” policy because apparently “please be respectful of your classmates by being on time to class” seemed like the more important consideration to one of my first year students.

            1. Kara*

              *sigh* Yeah, that’s a societal training that’s hard to break. I’ve had to start making myself grab breakfast because yes i may be running late, but starving myself isn’t going to improve the day any.

          2. Ama*

            Yeah as someone who once supervised student workers I’m more annoyed with the kid’s supervisor that he didn’t give him guidelines about when he is and isn’t allowed to unlock someone’s office.

        2. Ultimate Facepalm*

          I went from pissed to sympathetic.
          If it had to happen, the kid had the best possible post-mistake reaction.

          And really, I have a teenage son who I could see doing this. Like the time I picked him up from the airport, we got into my car in winter and had just left the airport. He picked up my keychain mace and said, ‘ooh, what’s this?’ and sprayed mace in the car. We were miles from any place to rinse our faces, not that I could have driven 10 feet.

          He kept saying ‘I’m an idiot, I’m an idiot’ – he’s my kid so it was easier to not be mad at him. But for a minute there I kept eyes and my mouth tightly shut until I could calm down. I am sure he never will just spray something ever again without checking to see what it is.

          1. Cardboard Marmalade*

            Wow. Just… wow. I’m glad you guys were ok? I’m just picturing how most airports I’ve been to, you leave and get right onto the highway, so this sounds both terrifying and painful.

            1. Ultimate Facepalm*

              We were fine. I saw it happening and was already yanking the car over, so I was able to pull over fast. Fortunately he sprayed most of it into the seam between the windshield and the car frame.
              But yeah, I was blind and panicking and pissed for a couple of minutes.

        3. goddessoftransitory*

          I can see that “lizard brain hates you” moment where you’re closing the car door even as the rest of your brain is going YOUR KEYS ARE STILL IN THERE or similar. Autopilot/overfocus can definitely lead to those OMG moments.

          I am glad that his boss didn’t just laugh it off either, but made it a teachable moment.

        4. Martin Blackwood*

          I’m honestly surprised people are being so hard on him! The fact that he owned up immediately says way more about him than the fact that he did it to me. Because, really, teenagers are notoriously bad at estimating risk. And his brain had clearly decided There Was Zero Risk At All Everything Will Be Fine in that situation while devoting his whole brainpower on, like, whether he brought the right stuff with him.

        5. Thrillian*

          I’m glad he fell over himself apologizing – as many others have commented, several of us are horrified that he caused you to spill milk, I haven’t breastfed myself yet but am planning to and terrified of supply issues. Thank you for sating my incredible curiosity, and I am glad to hear that it was a “teenage brain fart trying to impress boss” and not “sweet, a new gym buddy!” logic or some power trip with a master key.

          If you search “travel deadbolt” you’ll find a lot of great options for supplemental door locks!

    3. CommanderBanana*

      Same. I’m trying to imagine the hell I would have unleashed on that kid, and…damn. Face-melting levels of anger.

    4. Emily of New Moon*

      Heck, someone could in fact, be lifting weights and feeling so self conscious about it that they wouldn’t want anyone to see, not even the janitor!

  8. Meat Oatmeal*

    “Went to ask my boss if I could go home and threw up all over her office while asking.”

    Sounds persuasive!

    2. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

      I am told showing is more persuasive than telling, but somehow I don’t think this was the context intended.

    3. ferrina*

      Honestly, I’ve worked for some bosses that would still convince me to stay.
      But poor OP!

    4. business pigeon*

      I work in a building with some… let us say interesting acoustics. I was throwing up in the bathroom and came back to see that several people on Teams were discussing whether that awful noise was someone throwing up or if something else was going on. I typed well, I guess you’ll all believe me when I say I’m sick and need to go home! I was SO glad that was a moment we could all share together.

    6. Retired editor*

      What #8LW needed was a nice, sturdy shopping bag…

      In the mid 1990s, My husband and I were shopping in a large mall in Northern Kentucky with our older daughter and younger son. I had just emerged from Walden Books with my daughter when she said she was feeling sick. I looked around for a restroom, but the signs showed they were a good distance away.

      In desperation, I handed my husband the two paperbacks from the bag and held it open in front of my daughter. She vomited tidily into the bag, then hold it while I fished out a tissue from my ever-present supply. I took the bag back while she wiped up, and we left my husband and son to their own devices while we walked to the restrooms, dumped the evidence in a toilet, threw out the bag, and washed up. I have always been relieved the bag did not leak at all, since it was more than half full. And my daughter, who was in middle school, was beyond grateful to be spared the public humiliation.

      For years after that, a folded-up plastic shopping bag was tucked into a pocket of my purse along with the other items I carried for emergencies — a few band-aids, a couple of individually packaged wet wipes, tissues, and so on.

      I guess that was a narrow escape from mortification!

  9. Last tiger of Tasmania*

    I don’t say this easily but I really hope the kid from story #1 was fired immediately. That is beyond unacceptable.

    1. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      No need, the OP says he apologised profusedly when he realised what was happening and has learned his lesson.
      He was fixated on cleaning the offices quickly and just had a teen brainfart.

      1. Goldfeesh*

        I am shocked at how many people seemingly want to see that young person drawn and quartered. Good thing no one has ever made a mistake in their lives and don’t live in glass houses.

        1. Peanut Hamper*

          I do wonder if we would see the same level of umbrage if the young person were female instead of male.

          He was a teenager for crying out loud. With a teenage brain. Anyone who has ever known a teenager has known how you can tell them something as they are doing it and they will do it anyway. (My favorite, as they are getting up from the sofa: “Take your ice cream dish to the kitchen” to which they answer “yep, okay” and then leave it right there as they get up to go to the kitchen.) Their brains do not always function as we would like them to.

          1. Ellis Bell*

            I think most people’s knowledge of teenagers is their own airbrushed memory of themselves as young people, plus biased memories of the jerks they know as teenagers who were totally stupid on purpose not due to immaturity. Throw in an acquaintance with a few mature teenagers (you won’t see the extent of their mistakes unless you parent or teach them) and you’ve got a recipe for totally misunderstanding expectations of teenagers

    2. Cat Lover*

      Commenters on this site are so mean sometimes… he made a mistake, according to OPs comment above, he learned his lesson and was embarrassed and apologetic. He was new at the job.

  10. Ex-prof*

    #1: An illustrated sign is the answer. Although I’m at a loss to think how the sign could be illustrated in a SFW manner.

    (That said, surely the kid should’ve understood from your tone that the person in the room was indicating a lack of desire to have him test out his new master key at that moment.)

      2. Roy Donk*

        I literally had a clip art photo of a cow on the laminated sign I would stick on my office door, with the caption “making milk for my baby, be back soon.”

        1. Carol the happy*

          Our new tech, “Glorianna” has 4-month-old boy twins. We fixed up a small room with plush chair and surround sound; she can watch TV, and she has access to one of 3 keys but it’s keypad.
          Her husband came in with her and the babies the first day back, and we proudly showed her the decorated (small) room.

          The next day, husband brought in a poster with the babies’ faces superimposed on the bodies of– two Blue-Footed Boobies.

    2. often mortified*

      For #1, I believe if you are in the U.S., giving you a space that is FREE FROM COWORKER INTRUSION is part of what your employer is expected to provide in regards to pumping at work, though it sounds like this happened before those protections were in place. Anyhow, you have a much better attitude about it than I would have, I’ve been thinking about this since you posted it on the original thread, and it’s been making me very proactive about learning about the lactation room situation at my workplace lol

      1. Jackalope*

        I feel like this is on the intruder in this case. The OP had a locked room that should have been safe. There will always be someone who has a key for things like janitorial work or backup in case the original is lost; in this case, had he actually listened to her saying don’t come in then it would have been fine, and I’m guessing most of the office didn’t have a key.

      2. Silver Robin*

        Honestly, not sure the workplace failed here. The room locks, it is private. Janitorial staff would have keys to the lactation room too; I suppose the only difference is that it was her office so people might go looking for her there? But then again, this kid seems oblivious enough to track her down to the lactation room too, since his question was apparently so urgent…

      3. I'm just here for the cats!!*

        But the work did provide this, since she had a private office. The door was LOCKED, with a sign up. This is not on the OP’s company and squarely on that custodian. The same thing could have happened in a designated room.

      4. Bossy*

        I mean the problem is you can only do so much with people who are determined to just be dumb asses. She had a sign on a door, it was locked, she yelled, guy heard her and still decided he should come in. I mean there seems to be no defense from determined morons.

    3. Dahlia*

      I don’t think so much you need to read “tone” as “DO NOT COME IN HERE” pretty clearly states… that.

  11. Bookworm in Stitches*

    Hey #5, if it makes you feel any better I was drinking coffee while reading yours and ended up spraying it!

    2. sacados*

      Also, I hope now the LW from #5 yesterday now knows they’re not alone!! Haha
      Apparently this whole “accidentally getting your straw up your nose” thing is more common than I thought.

        1. M2RB*

          I made sure the metal straws I bought have (removable) silicone mouthpieces – I didn’t even think about nose intrusions, just about not wanting to bang a metal straw against my teeth if I had poor aim. Yikes!

  12. LurkerMe*

    No Stella70 (I think) story of “Karl, I hadn’t pulled my pants down yet!”. We still laugh about that in our office (we have a Karl, too).

  13. often mortified*

    #11 I am so curious if you still have those glasses. Like your boss, I would have been nosy about what type of sunglasses require a signature.

    2. Ally McBeal*

      I mean, a pair of Bulgari “Flora” sunglasses, which are not prescription, will set you back $59,000. Cartier sells a pair for $159,000. I doubt LW11 was shelling out THAT much money – and something at that level is probably delivered via personal butler wearing white gloves at a prescheduled convenient time for the purchaser – but even a $5000 pair of sunglasses (Cartier makes those too) would be worth working from home so I could sign for them.

    3. Thomas*

      The sender gets to decide whether they want it signed for. Considering the rise of parcel thefts and scams, even a 50 dollar item might be worth requiring a signature for.

      1. Hey Now*

        Not always true. I take a chemo drug that I have to sign for whether I want to or not and since the specialty pharmacy lately has been terrible, it really messes things up all the time. There have been a number of situations lately when I’ve been required to sign for something and couldn’t refuse—and then UPS just randomly changed the delivery and I had to stay home again. I mean, I wish it were that easy!

    4. Retired editor*

      I wear “designer” sunglasses with prescription lenses, which I chose because they have filigree metal sides that screen out light coming in from the side but allow air circulation. A lot of sunglasses are so close to my face that moisture doesn’t evaporate, but instead runs down my face in sweaty little rivulets.

      I chose the frames for their utility, but the metal filigree has Swarovski crystals. I am not into bling, but there were no other options. The frames and lenses, which I first got about 20 years ago, were around $800. I picked mine up at the office, but I can imagine having to sign for them if shipped.

  14. SpaceySteph*

    I’m having my own mortification week this week because just yesterday I was presenting to someone 4 levels up my management chain and she asked a (two part) question that I knew the answer to, but as I pivoted to “and for the second item…” my mind went 1000% blank and I was like “uh.. I’m sorry I lost my train of thought.” Luckily someone else was like “I think you were about to talk about X” and I was able to finish the answer but… I am still devastated over it.

    1. ferrina*

      I’m ADHD, and my trains of thought derail often. I think every single person at my work has heard me say- “so sorry, my brain just did a hard restart and I lost my train of thought. Can you remind me….?” I’ve never had a single problem or negative reaction.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        Also ADHD and I’m always amazed when people say they have a train of thought. I have a Roomba of thought. It goes in a straight line for a little bit and then it says “oh look, a chair leg!” and then happily goes off in some other direction. I have zero control over it.

        Always fun when it happens in the middle of a meeting.

        2. Slow Gin Lizz*

          Hahaha, I’m going to use this! I am also ADHD and Roomba of thought is way more accurate than train of thought when it comes to how my brain works. Although I like “hard restart” too.

          1. Slow Gin Lizz*

            I usually say “My train of thought got derailed” but there’s a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon where Calvin says, WRT the kid who bullies him, “His train of thought is still boarding at the station.” Which I LOVE.

        4. ferrina*

          I absolutely love that description!

          I have a full system of trains that are all running simultaneously. Having a single train of thought is something that just doesn’t happen to me. There’s always several thoughts that are all running in different directions. It produces a curious effect where someone will suggest a big change and my mind immediately races in a bunch of different directions calculating the full scale of impact. I’ve been told it’s a little intimidating.

        6. Audrey Puffins*

          I have a train of thought, but some of the stations are really overgrown and out of service so although I can clearly see how I get from topic to topic, I totally understand how other people don’t see the connections

    2. A Girl Named Fred*

      I hope you can give yourself some grace! Being able to say, “I’m sorry, I lost my train of thought” is a lot more than many people can get out in a situation like that, and goodness knows we’re all humans whose brains work in mysterious ways. I’m sure the management folks have had their own similar moments, whether they’re four levels up from you or not!

    3. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

      This is so common and “sorry I lost my train of thought, could you remind me what the second question was” is acceptable in most of these situations! I try to avoid asking multi-part questions if the answer will be any more than a couple of sentences, for that reason.

    2. Fluff*

      Totally Agree.

      Remember when all the news networks which reported on a US politician (forgot which one). He pulled a fire alarm due to panic? Anxiety? Avoiding a meetings? In the USA congress.

      The news should use this as a learning example.

      Congress entrance exam:

      Choose all examples of when to pull a fire alarm without a fire or smoke?

      a. Found a bomb. Maybe a bomb.
      b. Want to get out of a meeting with the committee.
      c. Need to delay a vote.
      d. Locked in building after hours and need to get out.
      e. Any reason when no security camera is present.
      f. To keep Brad from getting to the cheese platter before anyone else.

      Correct answers: A, D, maybe E.

  17. Lily Rowan*

    “beat, off, beat, off” reminds me that I was recently doing a (non-workplace) group activity that was rock-paper-scissors, and the person setting up the activity kept saying “when you are rock-paper-scissoring” and I could not keep a straight face. Like, I get saying it once, but rephrase the second time!

    (NB: Scissoring is a sexual position.)

    1. Turquoisecow*

      That story reminds me of my high school chemistry teacher telling us a (possibly inappropriate) story from her teenage years of trying to set up an appointment for a blow out – a hair appointment where they blow dry curly hair straight. She was on the phone when her mom walked in and got to hear her saying she wanted a blow job.

    2. Huh*

      Two days ago I was on a call about our print shop (academic posters, mostly), and we were discussing add-on services. I used short-hand for each of the services as I thought through how they could or could not be combined with one another. Cue “We can laminate and roll, and we can laminate and mount, but we absolutely can’t mount and roll.” Everyone giggled silently to themselves, including me.

    3. Danielle Martin*

      Last year I was a paraprofessional at an elementary school. One day I walk in to music class with one of my students and the teacher was explaining a worksheet on solfege (do, re, mi, fa, so, etc). I made eye contact with her right as she asked the class, “So who knows what ‘S and M’ stands for?” I start laughing as she realizes what she asked! For the record the answer she was looking for was “so” and “mi”, and not what I was thinking.

      1. londonedit*

        About 10 years ago some friends of mine were getting married, and the bride really wanted some of those big light-up letters that you sometimes see at weddings – the initials of the couple, all lit up, like A&B or whatever. Lovely. Only problem was their names were (something like) Sarah and Mark, so one way round the letters would have been S&M, and the other way round it would’ve been M&S (famous chain of UK shops). So they decided against it!

  18. I'm just here for the cats!!*

    #1 As horribly embarassed as you are they young man had to be worse! In one way I think he learned his lesson. On the other hand I kind of hope he got a stern talking to about unlocking doors if someone says to go away!!!

  19. an infinite number of monkeys*

    At the large state government agency where I work, I spent my first two years in one position before transferring to a different department. At my old position, I was in charge of a particular process, and gave training on it to internal users.

    One day I idly searched our intranet site for “process name,” and discovered that my training presentation, which of course had been left behind in a shared folder, showed up as the top result. With my for-my-eyes-only speaker notes.

    So because the title slide only contained two words (“Process name,”) the search results abstract continued with the first few words of my notes. “[Process name]: Fear not, mortals! I am your shiny new [process name] goddess!” it said. With my name as the author.

    It was up there like that for a few years at least. Eventually they redesigned/restructured the intranet site and it went away.

  20. Mike*

    “You wrote on here that one of the requested donations is porn and beans. By any chance did you mean pork and beans?”

    “I said what I said!”

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        My fear is that it may not be as niche as I would have thought previously. I’m definitely going to look differently at those people at Trader Joe’s with a cart full of beans.

  22. Andy*

    o dear
    o dear dear me
    did reading this list unlock any memories for anyone else?
    any mortifying memories that were deeply buried but are now not buried at all?
    no? just me?
    I feel like I was playing mortification bingo.

  23. ShysterB*

    Oh LW 1. I feel you. I’m a lawyer at a large firm that has gone through some things with regard to breast-feeding parents. I had my kids in the era of “no, we can’t put locks your office door, just put a sign on your door.” So I did. And put a chair in front of the door. Only to have a former federal judge ignore the sign, turn the knob, ignore my panicked cries, and push the chair out of the way. Fortunately, I had a very high-backed office chair and was able to swivel my breasts to some level of privacy. I had some choice words for the people who said “no locks,” and got my lock the next day.

    Then a few years later, renovations had them putting in glass panels so office interiors are visible from the hallway even when the doors are closed. My was done baby-making at that point, but some of my colleagues had to have yet another fight about that.

    1. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      I’d be a lot less understanding about this older man than the teen in the post. He may not have noticed the sign but he must have realised he was pushing his way past a chair barrier and ignoring cries to stop.

      2. Paint N Drip*

        fully agree – just because you’re an important person doesn’t mean I’M not also a person with privacy needs! This man is trusted to uphold justice, get it together dude

  24. Free Meerkats*

    #7 reminded me of a secondhand one in high school. My sophomore year the biology teacher had a freshly minted teacher learning from him. I’m not entirely sure if she had graduated yet or not. He decided that she should teach the reproduction section of the class. Imagine a young, blonde, quite cute woman, barely older than the hormonal teenagers she was teaching, talking about reproduction. We could pretty much time the class by the blush working its way up her face; when it reached her eyes, it was about time to get ready to go.

    1. anotherfan*

      heavens! i had something similar, but it mortified the class as well. We had a new teacher who was very fair (and not much older than we high schoolers) and during a (mixed gender) biology class discussing reproduction, one of the boys asked what happens to an egg that’s not fertilized. The teacher turned beat red, all the girls looked stunned and the boys … i have no idea. i was trying not to look at anybody.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Well, to be fair, that’s a legit question; doesn’t make it less embarrassing, though.

      2. Will's Mom*

        Oof! I just flashed on a memory from 10th grade biology class. Preface to my story is that my older sister was in college and was taking some pre med courses. I helped her study for a med term exam she was taking, so I learned a few things. On to the story. The teacher meant to say masticate. He said a different word that has a whole different meaning. I (a female) and all the boys in the class laughed until our sides hurt. The teacher just stood there shaking his head in embarrassment. Meanwhile, all the girls were looking around asking what was so funny. The teacher made me stand up in front of the class to define the inappropriate word. Thankfully, because of my sister, I was able to use proper scientific words to explain. Needless to say, I was mortified; however, I did gain respect from my teacher, so that was good, I guess. This was back in 1970. I doubt Mr. Teacher would be able to get away with that now a days.

        1. New Jack Karyn*

          He . . . had a female student stand up in front of the class and define ‘masturbation’?

          Are you 100% certain he made a mistake in using that term?

  25. CubeFarmer*

    The lesson for LW#1’s colleague is DO NOT CONTINUE TO ENTER IF THE PERSON INSIDE IS CLEARLY TELLING YOU NOT TO ENTER.

    He should continue to be mortified every time he thinks of that moment.

  26. Crumbledore*

    #1 – It’s been almost 12 years since I pumped at work, but reading your story bright me right back to that awful tension and worry about getting walked in on! And you lost a bottle of milk! I would have cried, that’s absolutely tragic when you go to all of the effort and the results (for your baby!) just disappear.

    Best wishes on the new baby and may you have total and complete privacy this time around!

    2. LW 1 here*

      olOh I definitely cried about the spilled milk on the drive home! (is that where the saying comes from)?? Thanks for making me feel less alone, and for the well wishes!

  27. Insufficient Sausage Explainer*

    Number 9 reminded me of the time a couple of years ago when I was trying on a dress in a shop one Sunday afternoon and emerged from the changing room to find the shop empty and locked. I hung around for a while, but eventually decided to go through to the back, where I found a door I could unlock. I did subsequently leave a voicemail on the shop’s phone letting them know what had happened and that the back door was unlocked. And I went back another day to buy the dress!

    2. bradc*

      In college a friend and I spent the day at the local movie theater; we watched a couple of films but were mainly there to play a brand new video game in the arcade. We ran out of quarters and left the arcade after midnight, then looked around and realized we were alone. COMPLETELY alone.

      We didn’t have any trouble leaving via the push-open front-doors, but his car was literally the only car remaining in the lot.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      I once got locked in a cemetery and had to scale a fence to get out! Only casualty was my jeans, which got ripped, thankfully.

      1. Lizzo*

        In pre-cell phone times, I was traveling with a friend and we had booked a room at a tiny hotel in a major southern city. When we arrived, the exterior gate was locked. I recall scaling the gate with the help of my friend and knocking on the front door, to no avail. I tore my pants on the way back over. We went to a local chain hotel for the night and eventually reached the proprietor for our original hotel by phone. Things got sorted, but I was bummed about the pants.

    4. kicking-k*

      I have been locked into a whole lot of places, including two workplaces (and one in which I wasn’t locked in, but accidentally set off the burglar alarm which I didn’t realise had set). I do have ADHD, but I am hoping I have done this for the last time. I also once managed to leave my bag in my shared office and go to another part of the building, only to find my boss had left and locked the internal door to the office by the time I got back. I had to ask the custodian to break in, as otherwise I couldn’t have got home (I lived in a different city and my money and train ticket were in there). Nobody was very pleased with me.

  28. Cinn*

    LW7 “the beat”, you would have enjoyed the lecture course my uni did on lasers. I have no idea how our lecturer kept a straight face every time he said “stimulated emission”.

  29. River*

    #1. Even AFTER the fact OP was yelling not to come in and that young guy still insisted on coming in and opening the door really ticked me off initially and now I find it annoying and a smidge hilarious.

    #12. This was my favorite one. I was laughing. I wish I could have seen the interviewers face/reaction in that moment. Thanks for sharing this moment LOL!!!

  30. Urbanchic*

    Oh LW #1. Unbelievable. Horrific! And THE MILK SPILLED. Frankly – I am impressed you had the presence of mind to so clearly shout what he would see if he opened the door. And then to have him unnecessarily expose you to coworkers. I can’t even. Truly the worst!

  31. Rincewind*

    So #10:
    I volunteered to timekeep at an employee summit event. It was a big deal kind of thing – all of the C-suite was there to listen to the best ideas presented by employees.
    I woke up the morning of the summit VERY ill. Still have no idea what went wrong – I’ve never been that sick before or since. But since I WFH, I woke up like 40 minutes before the start of the summit.
    I spent the whole morning in the bathroom with my laptop. By the time I realized I needed to back out, it was too late. It was SO BAD. Like mute-“1 min remaining”-mute-throw up-“time is up”-“next team is {x} with their idea {y}-throw up” BAD.
    I don’t /think/ anyone else noticed?

    1. So much success*

      We also share that moment of realization, mortification, and suppressed laughter (hi, it’s me, I’m #12)

  33. Rebecca*

    To everyone whose response to #1 is a mind boggle that someone would ignore a sign that says “do not come in” and unlock a locked door–

    Years ago, I was at an internal conference/poster session that my company held in a local hotel. The restroom set up was a little odd–they were all single occupant and opened directly from the hotel lobby. No hallway, just lobby with doors in the wall that opened to a bathroom. I was using one of these bathrooms when someone tried the (locked) door. No worries to me, they just tried the door and left. I believed that they figured out it was occupied and went to a different one. No, friends. They concluded that it was accidently locked and went to the desk to get the key to unlock it. I had that exact feeling of “are those keys I hear jingling?” and man, she was quick with that key bc it was about a nanosecond from hearing the keys to the door opening. I yelled out “occupied,” but the door was open by then.

    I can almost forgive the woman who walked in on me bc the rest rooms were such an unusual set up, but who the hell at the front desk heard someone say “The rest room is locked, can I have a key?” and did not reply, “Did you make sure it was unoccupied? Bc they are single occupant, so someone might be in there.”

    I am not mortified by this. I sure hope she was.

  34. Scottish Beanie*

    I’ve definitely made mortifying mistakes at work, including:

    (1) A colleague of mine announced at a group meeting that his wife was having their first child. This person looked a lot older than I expected and so, incredulously, I asked “how old are you, again??”. My other colleagues, who overheard this conversation, tried with all their might to get me to stop talking. It was only after he reacted that I realized I’d said something stupid. Even my attempts to apologize annoyed him.

    (2) At my very first office job, my manager left her position. I thought that you automatically move up once the person above you leaves. I changed my signature to the next highest position and started sending emails with this new title. I expected my other colleague (senior to me) to do the same. It was only after he confronted me that I realized that this is not how the working world works.

    (3) I was feeling burnt out, stressed out, and overwhelmed at my job. I attended a conference, which was a welcome break from my heavy workload, and I happened to see one of my great-grandbosses. This was our first time meeting, and I wanted to make a great impression. Unfortunately, the conversation took a turn toward balancing the workload, and I snapped. I could not control myself as I began to rant about how much work I had to do and how burnt-out I was. My colleagues started to sneak away to avoid the scene I was creating. After my rant, I realized what I had done and I ran from the conference room. I was for sure that I would be fired. Surprisingly, after that, things changed for the better but I wouldn’t recommend this approach, 0/10.

    1. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

      On your incident 2 – I realise it was just not knowing how things work and wasn’t that deep, but … most managers (including yours) have more than one direct report. So when a manager left it would mean they get “replaced” as manager by multiple people. Continued over the years everyone would bubble up to be COO or whatever which is an amusing mental image (and may go some way to explaining ‘title inflation’!)

  35. Vishustigress*

    Just yesterday! I work in a warehouse, but in customer service, so my desk is also in the customer reception area. 99% of the time, all clients are sent directly to the customer pickup docks, on the warehouse side; it is super rare to have clients in the office area.
    Well, whatever I ate yesterday had a very ~unpleasant~ journey through my body. Having been stuck in the warehouse side with my coworker for an hour, I just did my best not to bend over or laugh too hard. I was FINALLY able to get back to the office area without him, surreptitiously checked the office area behind me, and finally let out what can only be described as a real cheek-clapper.
    Exactly one second later, the client I had forgotten I had let in to wait for his friends and sitting around the corner from my desk spoke up and said his friends were there, could I let him out (our front doors are card access only)?
    I gathered what was left of my soul, and let him out. Worst part? He had clearly known what had happened-our security cameras clearly showed no one at all had pulled up yet.

  37. Anglonemi*

    LW2 I did this last night with Brownies & Guides (UK equivalent of Girl Scouts) – we were making popcorn outside and a pigeon came to investigate. The girls asked why it was coming over and I started to say “because we have pigeon food”, switched to “because we have corn” and actually said “because we have P*RN”. Cue gasps from the older girls and relieved guffaws when I started laughing and instructed them to report my gaffe to the other leaders.

  38. A Taylor*

    I have loved and HATED all of these mortification week instalments, and unfortunately I can now add one of my own…

    Yesterday, during a big meeting with some clients (from a government agency here in the UK), I watched in horror as a small spider dangled above one lovely gentleman’s balding head, deposit itself gently onto the one strand of hair and make itself very comfortable.

    Before I was aware of what I was doing, I was out of my chair reaching toward him, swooping on that hair to rescue him from the ordeal of having a spider pet for the day. I didn’t verbalise this, at all, so from his perspective he was talking and then a looming hand plucked at a hair and walked away to the window to throw it to the ether.

    I am very lucky that 1) I have a good reputation despite being relatively new to the field as I’m a quick learner and pretty technically oriented and 2) the client already knows I have autism and just kind of let it slide without more than a passing comment. Not my finest moment though, and my colleagues are now referring to me as spiderman.

  39. HeyLookAChicken*

    I had several colleagues walk in on me while I was pumping at work (long story as to why)– the best one was a colleague who walked in, saw that I had my headphones in (and somehow not that I had my top largely off?) and said “oh, you’re in a meeting, I’ll come back,” before leaving the room.

  40. Spicy Tuna*

    This happened when Hamid Karzai was still the president of Afghanistan. I was in my boss’s office and he had the Wall Street Journal on his desk. There was a photo of Hamid Karzai on the front page. One of our co-workers, who is not Afghani / Middle Eastern, bears a striking resemblance to Mr. Karzai. This co-worker also reported to my boss. I commented about the striking resemblance. My boss thought it was hilarious and wrote our co-worker’s name under the photo of Mr. Karzai. We concluded our meeting and I left. A little while later, I saw our colleague go into our boss’s office. I thought to myself, “for sure, that WSJ was not still on Boss’s desk”. I went in there a little later and NOPE! WSJ with the photo of Hamid Karzai and our co-worker’s name was front and center, pointing right out at the guest chairs next to Boss’s desk!

  41. Shell*

    Pretty innocuous, but I deal with a lot of non-native speakers of English while on the phone, so when spelling names of clients, etc, it’s very useful to use the NATO phonetic alphabet to aid in the spelling.
    Except I forgot the phonetic alphabet, and when trying to say “B” (as opposed to V etc), when I forgot it was “B for Bravo” and panicked, instead saying “B for… B for Bee!”. It did not clarify what letter I was trying to say.

  42. Emily*

    Well, I didn’t know that anyone could win mortification week, but I think LW1 may have done it.

  43. Anonymouse*

    Curiously apropos that this topic runs the day after my meeting with Employee Relations…

    What I meant to say: “she chewed me out and ate me up.”

    What came out of my mouth: “she chewed me up and ate me out.”

    The words came out of my mouth. I heard them. Felt my soul leave my body while starting to sweat heavily and turning beet red.

    Employee Relations, meanwhile, grabbed on to the desk because he was laughing so hard and about to fall out of his chair.

    I’m pretty sure I am going to hear about this for the rest of my career.

  44. bryeny*

    Mortification Week tip of the hat to French Pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati, whose, um, package caught on the bar and knocked it down, leaving him in 12th place. An article about the incident mourned that “he lost the battle of the bulge.” Am I a bad person for laughing very hard?

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