my coworker is telling people I spat in her coffee (I didn’t)

by Alison Green on August 19, 2024

A reader writes:

I’m early in my career and in my late twenties. I’ve been with the same company for around four years now and have been working hybrid since early 2022.

Tempest works in the same small office that I do. There are maybe 10 of us who come in regularly, but she works on a different team. We initially hit it off really well due to some shared interests, but she slowly began icing me out some time last year — turning the other way when I’d walk in the room, no longer replying when I said “good morning,” etc.

I’ve gone back and forth on whether or not I should politely pull her aside to talk about it, and ultimately decided against it. Our departments do not typically coordinate, and we’ve never had any professional reason to talk to one another. I figured that she had made it clear she didn’t want to interact with me and, since she was being civil, I would just let it go.

However, over the course of the past few weeks, I have noticed Tempest will be talking to someone else and they’ll turn away when I walk by to refill my water or run to the restroom. Those she’s spoken to have also begun to ice me out. I again thought of something saying to her.

Earlier this week, someone decided to ask me what happened, and if it had anything to do with coffee.

One day in November of 2022, I needed to make a coffee run so I asked the few other people in the office if they wanted anything. Tempest gave me her order, I returned with her drink, and proceeded to think nothing of it. Tempest is just now telling people that I allegedly spit in this drink.

I’m so confused. I’m neurodivergent and can come across as cold and kind of bitchy sometimes. I had convinced myself that I had just done something socially awkward, not that she thinks I did something that would never even cross my mind!

I do realize that maybe this would be resolved by now if I had just talked to her in the first place. I have not talked to my manager yet, since I want to try and at least handle this myself before I get anyone else involved.

I have a script that I had planned for when we were both in the office next week. The goal is to be professional and non-accusatory: “Hey Tempest, I’ve recently heard about a rumor that I spit in your drink. I’m confused about how and where this started and it’s important for me to put this to rest since that’s not something I would do. Would you have some time today to talk about it?”

But now that things have escalated, I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am harmfully non-confrontational and am seriously thinking about just working from home since my company culture is generally awesome, nobody on my team is local to the area, and none of them are icing me out. But I love working in the office, and some of the people there obviously still care about me.

Could you give me a sanity check here? Should I talk to her or should I just let this go?

What on earth. In 2022, she believed for some reason that you’d spit in her coffee (??!), decided to ice you out over it in 2023, and now, close to two years after the alleged spitting, has decided it’s time to tell people about it to turn them against you?!

This is very, very weird.

And deciding out of nowhere that someone spit in one’s coffee is … awfully strange. I assume you’re not the sort of person who spits in colleagues’ coffee, particularly someone you’d been on good terms with. (Or anyone! Even someone you were on bad terms with! You’d have to be a very specific kind of person to go around spitting in people’s coffee, even your mortal enemies, and it’s bizarre that she jumped to that and didn’t ever bother to say anything to you about it like, I don’t know, “Hey, why did you spit in my coffee?”)

I’m somewhat split on whether you should address it with her though. I’m probably 70% “talk to her” and 30% “don’t bother, she’s unhinged and it will just cause more drama.”

But “talk to her” is winning out because she’s affecting your reputation with other people, and maybe — maybe — it can be cleared up.

If you do try to talk to her about, I wouldn’t say, “I heard you think I spit in your coffee and I’d like to meet later to discuss it.” That’s going to make for a really odd meeting request. Just ask if she has time to talk. When she does, say that you’ve been told she’s telling people this, you’re horrified that she’d ever think it, that spitting in people’s drinks is not something you’d ever do, and you’re appalled and want to clear up whatever made her think that.

It’s okay to sound shocked — you should sound shocked, because this is shocking and it’s useful to let her see that you are as stunned at being accused of this as you presumably are.

But if that doesn’t immediately clear it up, at that point I don’t know that you should put any more energy into it, unless you see it becoming a bigger problem in your office (in which case, yeah, talk to your manager at that point, but I hope you don’t have to).

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{ 229 comments }

{ 229 comments… read them below }

  1. Genevieve*

    OP, this sounds awful. Tempest is bananas.

    I would also like to add, though, that she was not being civil before – refusing to acknowledge a direct “good morning” and turning away when someone enters a room are incredibly childish things to do. I’m also a little concerned that your other colleagues are now doing similar things. I guess if they actually believe that you would spit in someone’s coffee, it makes a little more sense, but, still, that seems extreme.

    1. I GOTS TO KNOW!*

      That Tempest has got others to ice the OP out is the reason I feel like OP needs to involve her manager. It is affecting her reputation at work and office dynamics.

      OP I know you said none of these people are on your team, but that is currently. People move teams. People from other teams can have input you don’t know about in your growth and tenure.

      If it were just Tempest being weird and saying this and no one believed it, I would say just talk to her. But since others are believing it AND treating you poorly (which, do you work with a bunch of 16 year olds? criminy) I feel like pulling in your manager and potentially even HR might be necessary if Tempest doesn’t retract this and adjust her behavior after you speak to her.

      1. I GOTS TO KNOW!*

        Actually, the more I think about it (and read other comments), I feel like you need to loop your manager in first, OP. Tell them you want to try and handle it on your own first, but that you’re letting them know just in case Tempest retaliates and escalates.

        1. Jaina Solo*

          I agree too! Had a manager (not mine) bad-mouthing me at my one job. Of course, my manager was still on paternity leave so I had limited options and just spoke to the person directly. It did not go well and as soon as my boss was back from leave, this person and her boss (our director) made sure to tell my boss their side of things. He didn’t have anything to say and I’d honestly decided to not really tell him since he wasn’t there when it happened. But it left me at a disadvantage and I left the company months later.

          I hate to use the term “mean girls” but I do feel like that’s what’s going on here. Some immature, toxic behavior from Tempest for whatever reason. But the manager (and possibly HR) should be looped in asap. This is the sort of thing you want witnesses for and support to resolve.

          1. Quill*

            Of note: Tempest has already made one wild accusation. You need to get out ahead of whatever she comes up with next.

            1. goddessoftransitory*

              This. I don’t know what Tempest is after, but it sounds like it’s something.

          2. Jellyfish Catcher*

            Agree -the manager should be told at this point. This behavior is bizarre and is also harassment.

          3. Lea*

            I had a coworker who was kind of frosty, turned out she was talking shit about me to my manager which made it to a performance review.

            So yeah I would talk to someone about it

        2. Olive*

          Another vote for talking to your manager first, and also talking to anyone who you know heard the false story, but NOT talking to Tempest.

          I wouldn’t talk to Tempest because what she’s saying is bananas. Maybe there’s a misunderstanding, but what she’s saying is so bizarre that she wouldn’t react well to being confronted, even in a level and professional manner.

          WRT other coworkers, I’d take the tone, “I am shocked that Tempest is saying I spit in her drink. I don’t know why she said that but it is completely untrue.” And leave it at that, don’t try to mount a lengthy defense.

          2. She of Many Hats*

            Use a script like “I just learned that Tempest thinks that {insert short version here}. I’m shocked about the rumor and have no idea why someone would start one like that. I would hope everyone realizes I would never do something like that!”

        3. goddessoftransitory*

          I agree with this. This is so bizarre and has gotten out of hand to the point that as a manager I would want to know yesterday. If nothing else, I would have to evaluate Tempest on the basis of her doing this A) at all and B) for so long!

      2. Okey-dokey*

        I agree. Manager needs to be brought in. I’d ask manager how they prefer this be handled. If they wanted me to start on my own first, fine. But I’d want manager to be aware before I had the conversation. I think this is appropriate since, as I Gots to Know points out, Tempest has started to draw others into the situation. Tempest sounds BCS.

      3. jasmine*

        +1

        This is really weird. Why is tempest spreading this rumor and why are people who allegedly know op believing it?

        1. jasmine*

          “allegedly” was a bad word choice here. I meant that I’m assuming they know LW from working closely with them but that might not be true. not that LW is claiming these people know them when they do not lol

      4. Davestheman*

        tell her you want to clear the air, and as a token of friendship, bring her a chocolate pie

        1. Skitters*

          Ha! “The help” style! No, that is a bad idea.

          To the manager LW should go!

          If she is making up stories this unhinged, who knows what’s next!

    2. H3llifIknow*

      The believing the OP did it is what baffles me the most! If a coworker told me “X spit in my coffee!” I’d say, “What? How do you know that? Did you SEE her do it?” because it’s such a gross and weird thing to do, I’d never believe it unless someone SAW it. And frankly, I’d think the person telling me was the weirdo if they didn’t see it firsthand. But from the letter, it does sound like the OP is maybe not particularly popular to begin with so people are ready to believe the worst. How sad for her. I hope she talks to her manager or HR. They need to put a stop to the vicious rumor mongering!

      1. Polly*

        That was my first thought, too! I’d have a hard time believing that someone would spit in someone else’s coffee, even if the spit-ee said they saw the OP do it. I would be very skeptical without additional confirmation.

      2. Irish Teacher.*

        I can kind of see how people might assume she must have seen it because it’s such a bizarre accusation that it’s not something you’d expect somebody to say without strong evidence.

        It’s also possible that Tempest is telling people that she did see it or that the LW admitted to it or is phrasing her accusation in such a way that it sounds that way. Like “I know I shouldn’t be ignoring her, but I just find it so hard to act like nothing happened after she blatantly spat in my coffee.”

      3. JadedAmber*

        I think in certain environments, it’s fairly easy for people who don’t conform to established standards to be pushed out even farther outside the group, especially when they haven’t had much experience dealing with a diverse set of people. So, since the OP mentioned that they’re neurodivergent, I can easily believe that someone can hear Tempest saying weird crap and accept it just because of that. I might be biased, but as a neurodivergent person myself, I’ve spent my whole professional life figuring out how much I need to compensate for my “weirdness” and I’ve witnessed how easily I got lumped into “who knows what’s in her head” pile.

        1. Bird names*

          Oof yeah, this is unfortunately the read I got as well. I wish better for both you and LW.

        2. jasmine*

          ooh yeah that’s a good point. I’ve definitely worked with some people who had… weird takes on neurodivergent folks

      4. I GOTS TO KNOW!*

        Tempest could be saying she saw OP/LW do it, for all we know. She’s gone so far as to rope people into icing out OP/LW over something she fabricated. She could very well be fabricating a lot more to the story.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Exactly. She’s lying; why wouldn’t she keep on doing so? Admitting it now sure wouldn’t do her any good.

      5. L.Miller*

        Never underestimate the power of a workplace bully.
        Tempest is a bully.
        My last job was in a retail shop of all women, middle-aged to retirement age.
        One of those women was a bully who regularly made grown, intelligent women, cry. And yet she was also like a Svengali. Some of the women seem to need her to be their friend, even though she was a bully.
        This was tolerated because she was very, very good with customers and was perceived to bring in sales.
        Had I not seen it and been a victim of it? I would never of believed how much disruption unhappiness and unease. One person can cause.

        1. Jess*

          Same here. had I not been on the reviewing end of BSC behavior, i wouldn’t believe it either. I think they correctly assume that if the lie they make up is so outlandish no-one would make it up, then people give it more weight to be true. Who would make up someone going to the trouble to get a colleague a coffee and then spitting in it? yeah. Tempest. That’s who.

          Op. get help from above before this person creates a whole villain arc for your character!

    3. tina turner*

      If she’s sure someone spit in her coffee, it could be the person working at the coffee shop. This can happen. So be sure to ask her why she thinks it’s YOU and not that “disgruntled employee.”

    4. Lily*

      I’m in the camp of always give your manager a heads up before you confront a colleague about something. I’ve seen it happen where someone decides to not loop their manager in in the spirit of independently resolving interpersonal conflicts, and then it backfiring because the other person’s side makes its way to the manager before the person is able to tell their side of the story, catching their manager totally off guard.

    5. cxxxb*

      my direct supervisor turns away from me when i approach a group of people she is and then even grimaces when I walk into her office. It does not feel civil at all.

  2. Idontplaygames*

    Whoa, this is really weird.

    Also, I think you’re being very generous by saying she had been civil about it before spreading this rumor. Ignoring people when they say good morning or turning the other way when you walk in the room isn’t very civil. Sounds like she was being rude to you even before this.

    1. Paint N Drip*

      Rude, yes. But honestly for us neurodiverse folks.. because social niceties are already mysterious, rudeness is usually not a big deal. Personally idgaf if someone is cold or rude to me (although the ‘friendly > cold’ shift of relationship would bother me) but once things cross into the adult-bully space (gossiping or lying about me, gathering other haters, etc.) I would definitely loop in management :/

      1. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

        It is not difficult for most neurodivergent people to learn “you should acknowledge when someone greets you” or “turning away from someone when they enter a room is considered rude”. Yes, they need to be learned more deliberately rather than picking them up by osmosis as most neurotypical people do, but this isn’t the “exactly how much of a conversation is it appropriate to talk vs listen” level of nuance that can be hard to master for some.

        1. Paint N Drip*

          I agree that those skills ARE easily learned if a ND person chooses to. But because they’re skills rather than innate knowledge, in my personal experience (and in talking with my ND circles) rudeness just doesn’t have the feelings-hurting cutting edge the way it might for others.

          1. Not Another Username*

            That resonates with me as I might lean towards a very specific type of ND combo. It’s kind of funny in a way to hear that people think they are slighting someone (like a cat putting their butt to you). When the workplace snubbers don’t get the reaction they are looking for then I have definitely seen the escalation of lying to management. Gossiping and trying to assemble a critical mass who will pile on in the bullying are also things I’ve heard about, but have fortunately not experienced.

        2. Nesprin*

          That’s a bit simplistic. Minor social niceties with scripts sure, but the complex dynamics of building a relationship with someone who doesn’t accommodate interpersonal differences?

      2. Baffled*

        “But honestly for us neurodiverse folks.. because social niceties are already mysterious, rudeness is usually not a big deal.”

        You’re painting neurodivergent folks with a really broad brush. Personally, I feel hurt when I extend a social nicety and get a rude response back. I get uncomfortable and want to jump out of my skin when I overhear people being rude in public, like someone in front of me in line who lights into the Starbucks cashier or the pharmacy tech.

        If someone is rude to me, I wonder what I did wrong. If someone is repeatedly rude to me, I can fret over how to fix it. Sometimes I feel like if I can learn to mask others can do. The anger, the rudeness – it’s all so unnecessary.

        Anyway, back to my point – not all neurodiverse folks ignore rudeness or shake it off. For me, it can cut to the bone and leave me very confused.

        1. Former Young Lady*

          Thank you. I feel the same way, and it really bugs me when someone purports to speak for all of us on matters like this.

        2. Six for the truth over solace in lies*

          Especially for people with rejection-sensitive dysphoria, a symptom that is relatively common in some kinds of neurodivergence.

        3. smirkette*

          Same. I’m AuADHD, and because I’ve had to closely observe human behavior so I can more effectively mask and work so damn hard existing around other people without inadvertently offending them, having my words miscontstrued or misunderstood—because I’m so hyperaware of myself, I’m also extra sensitive to slights, even when they’re not personal.

          Some ND folks aren’t bothered by rudeness, but some of us are (RSD), just like no two autistic people have the same sensitivities/issues.

      3. Not Neurospicy*

        “But honestly for us neurodiverse folks.. because social niceties are already mysterious, rudeness is usually not a big deal.”

        I am neurodivergent and rudeness cuts me to the bone. If I extend a social nicety and am rebuffed, I wonder what I did wrong to get that response. If it happens repeatedly, I wonder what I’m doing wrong to the point of fretting.

        If people are rude to other people around me, I get tense and want to jump out of my skin. It’s awful, especially if in an enclosed space.

        Please don’t paint neurodiverse people with a broad brush – it perpetuates stereotypes and lies about how we interact (and we are not the Borg).

        *I had tried posting this earlier but it looks like my post was eaten

      4. Snarkaeologist*

        I understand what you mean. I found I also don’t necessarily clock rudeness in a work context. I’ve gotten praise for being the only one willing to work with difficult coworkers who I didn’t realize were difficult, because I assumed ‘shuts down small talk and doesn’t want to interact with coworkers outside of direct job tasks’ meant ‘this person is very professional and only cares about getting their work done.’

        1. Coffee Confusion*

          OP here and yes – this speaks precisely to my experience.

          I can perform social niceties and understand office politicking to some degree – I’ve been described by people who have met me in person as very kind, genuine, and helpful. The coldness is usually observed by people who have only interacted with me via text, and this is something I have worked at over the past few years.

          It’s much more difficult for me to clock rudeness when I am on the receiving end, and that’s amplified by professional environments. I’m a task-oriented person and not a people-oriented person, something I learned thanks to a wonderful askamanager post featuring the frequent commenter, Hildi*.

          It’s really easy for me to turn a blind eye to poor conduct when outside of a work context, this kind of behavior might have really bothered me!

          *I’m not sure how to hyperlink, but it was this post from 2015: https://www.askamanager.org/2015/01/interview-with-an-incredibly-diplomatic-person-or-how-to-agreeably-disagree.html

    2. Adam*

      Yeah, the behavior described is not at all civil. Civil is saying hello but then heading back to your desk and not continuing the conversation, not outright ignoring someone.

    3. Ellie*

      I think OP should assume that she completely made up the story about her spitting into her coffee. Since OP didn’t do it, she couldn’t have seen her do it. There is literally no reason on earth why she would look at an otherwise friendly co-worker and make such an assumption about her. So I’d assume bad faith on her part. She’s lying and she’s a bully.

      I feel that OP should really loop her supervisor in, but if she really wants to deal with it directly, I’d consider having the conversation in public, so that Tempest can’t misrepresent the situation later. I’d consider just walking up to her in the lunch room and asking if she’s telling people you spat in her coffee. She could also send out an email to all those in the office, saying that she’s heard a rumor that she spat in Tempest’s coffee, that it is absolutely ridiculous, and that she now feels so ganged up on that she’s going to work from home for a while, so that she can’t be accused of anything further. I’m not sure if that’s going to result in more drama or not, but in my opinion, bullies won’t stop unless they’re called out.

  3. Pastor Petty Labelle*

    If she asks Tempest if she has time to talk, Tempest will say no. Don’t ask. Next time you are in the office together just approach her at a quiet moment and then ask her. Your script is pretty good.

    I dunno what is going on with Tempest but you have to address this because other people are now believing it and icing you out. If your conversation with Tempest doesn’t resolve this, then yes, you need to speak to your manager. Not in a this is a personality conflict that you need to fix kinda way but in a hey, this is affecting my standing in the office which could affect my ability to do my job, I need help in resolving this. Let your boss know you talked to Tempest and how she reacted.

    Best of luck OP. Please update us.

    2. MigraineMonth*

      I just want to add, OP, that you are NOT the one behaving oddly in this social interaction. Tempest’s behavior is weird and confusing to us neurotypicals as well. *Even if* she genuinely thought she saw you spit in her coffee, this is a bizarre way to handle it.

  4. But Of Course*

    I don’t know, if someone is engaging in a multi-year slander campaign that is affecting how I’m being treated at work, I probably would loop in my manager pretty fast so they’re aware what’s happening; someone like this will escalate.

    Because spoiler alert: someone doing this doesn’t want to resolve the problem, and will either not be available for a meeting or will not agree that the problem was fixed. When I was fired from one job (real reason: they didn’t need my role anymore, didn’t like me, and didn’t want to do a layoff) part of the justification was that I was flipping off my coworkers, particularly the coworker I had been close with who abruptly stopped speaking to me. Which is bananas, since I’ve never done that, but speaks to the kind of impact a personality clash can have.

    1. Corporate Goth*

      Right, I’d at least say loop in management in case this meeting goes horribly wrong.

      This isn’t a meeting I’d want to have in a closed conference room without witnesses, either.

      1. Chris too*

        Heck, I’d bring it up in the lunchroom with as many witnesses as possible.

        “Tempest, I was horrified to hear you thought I spat into your coffee. I wouldn’t do a thing like that, what on earth gave you the impression that had happened?”

        1. Zombeyonce*

          The only issue I see with this is that Tempest seems like the kind of person who would immediately double down on her accusation with the chance of being embarrassed in front of other people. She could easily make it worse for LW by continuing to embellish the accusation and adding more accusations to it.

          I think speaking to a manager first, then Tempest privately is the best way to start.

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            I mean, she’d have to–from Tempest’s perspective, she would rightfully worry about getting ostracized or fired if she went yeah, I made it up. She isn’t going to admit to anything, now or ever, unless she’s cornered into it.

            I wouldn’t speak to Tempest privately–I would always want witnesses. And I’d loop in my manager ASAP. One reason I would guess Tempest chose this particularly outrageous thing to say is repeating it is almost as embarrassing as having it said about you (the LW) in the first place–it’s so bizarre, so childish and gross. So of course a person’s first reaction would be to try to ignore and minimize the effects. And the rumor keeps growing.

    2. learnedthehardway*

      Agreeing – I would talk with the manager first, and tell the manager I plan to address the issue with Tempest, but wanted to inform them as I felt that confronting her might lead to Tempest escalating things.

      1. Bookworm in Stitches*

        I agree with both looping the manager in before speaking to Tempest and not being in a closed area without witnesses in case she doubles down and makes up more lies about you.

          1. Coffee Confusion*

            Hey there, OP here!

            I had been hesitant to loop in my manager because we’ve been working on a high-stress project that should thankfully resolve itself this week. After reading the comments, I think it would be wise to loop her in because she’s generally very supportive and I know she’d have my back.

            I’m also well-connected with the director of HR; we speak daily, and he’s been part of my team since the start of the year in a non-HR capacity, so depending on her reaction I’ll loop him in too just to be safe.

            There aren’t cameras, unfortunately. I intended on having this conversation at her desk – which is centrally located and anyone in earshot would be able to get the gist of what went down, including people who I know would help to dispel any rumors that come of it.

            2. Sloth Dreams*

              Good plan! Confide in others first.

              I worked with a woman once who loved to mess with people. She was older than your co-workers – mid-40s, junior exec, professionally savvy version of bully and if I hadn’t seen some of it first hand I wouldn’t have believed it, She loved stirring stuff up and was so sneaky about making her current victim look bad.

              I wouldn’t go to Tempest without talking to manager and HR first, and maybe not ever. She isn’t the victim – she’s a bully. She doesn’t believe you spit in her coffee 2 years ago. She picked something weird and disgusting to accuse you of because it’s so hard to defend yourself without sounding crazy.

              There are some strange and toxic people in the world. Not many of them, thank goodness, but I would back away slowly from this one. People will realize eventually that her stories don’t add up.

            3. Michelle Smith*

              Please let us know in an update how it all works out. Rooting for you to get back a peaceful work environment once it’s all out in the open.

      2. Myrin*

        That’s exactly what I was going to suggest – tell your manager so when Tempest’s whacko story reaches her it isn’t the first she’s hearing of this but add that you’re planning on talking to Tempest as soon as possible, you just wanted her to be aware in case it escalates.

      3. ferrina*

        Totally agree that you should give your manager a head’s up.

        Your manager might also have other information. They might know more Tempest shenanigans and not realize that it’s impacted you, or they might know that Tempest’s boss cultivates a weird team culture, or have seen other people acting oddly toward you and they will now be able to address it, or they might be friends with HR or so on. Considering how long this has been going on, you’ll need help doing the damage control.

    3. AnonInCanada*

      That’s even more sickening than OP’s situation. At least OP is still at their job, in spite of Tempest and whatever false rumours they’re spreading. It sounds like your former bosses were trying to get out of having to pay higher unemployment, so they made up some lie to justify firing you. I hope you had a few words with the labour board about that!

      Boo to both your former bosses, and Tempest.

    4. Irish Teacher.*

      Yeah, I was thinking that given how she’s ignoring the LW, I suspect something like asking if she has time to talk might be met with a cold “sorry, I’m busy” and walking away or something similar.

      And yikes, that was a ridiculous way you were treated.

    5. Ready for the weekend*

      Agreed. I had this happen to me where my antagonist continuously said that I was doing nothing on the job to as many people as she could. My boss would defend me but it got to the point where she had to bring documented evidence and witnesses to our chairman to get this person to stop.

    6. Brain the Brian*

      Hard agree. Tempest doesn’t really want to resolve this. She wants to stir up nasty rumors, and even if she agrees to drop this one, she will start another. Management needs to know they have an employee like this on their hands.

  5. Not on board*

    Tempest is definitely mentally unhinged. She thinks you spit in her coffee in 2022 and waited 2 years to then try and turn everyone against you?
    Definitely say something to her about being shocked by this accusation, but maybe also find the gossipiest person you get along with and just kind of vent a little….
    “I just found out that Tempest thinks that I spit in her coffee 2 years ago! I can’t believe that anyone would think that I would do something like that – it’s so strange that she waited 2 years to start complaining about this….
    The gossip will then tell everyone else and Tempest will look batshit crazy.

    1. Sloanicota*

      Not that this couldn’t work, but if OP has trouble handling social situations I don’t know if this is the right route, versus something like looping in her manager now and asking for help navigating this. Trying to reverse-weaponizing gossip is kind of 301-level socializing in my opinion.

      1. Not on board*

        You have a point. But if I’m conflict averse and afraid to loop my manager in, this is a kind of stealth way to spread the word.

    2. Enai*

      It occurs to me: 2022 was the year the Covid pandemic was treated as if it were over, but with the lifting of protective measures and the rise of the omicron variants the virus actually infected more people than ever before. Why on earth would anybody just ignore that their coffee had spit in it and only mention it later? That’s a biohazard right there!
      So, in conclusion, WTF, Ms. Tempest?

    3. jasmine*

      I really think we should question whether tempest believes op spit in her drink. this is so crazy, it feels like it can go either way (tempest believes a random awful thing or tempest is manipulating people on purpose)

      and for that reason, I’m a little concerned about approaching her directly

  6. T.N.H*

    Honestly, I would talk to your manager right away, like today. It’s so bizarre that I think something else is going on and I’m worried it will look unusual that you didn’t say anything sooner when this comes to a head.

    1. Not Australian*

      Absolutely. OP’s between a rock and a hard place here, and trying to sort this out without management intervention will only make it worse. At the very least, the manager should ask Tempest what is her rationale for believing this thing happened.

    2. Ms. Murchison*

      Agreed, LW should go to their manager instead of talking to Tempest. Tempest’s behavior as described, turning other employees against LW, is extreme. Perhaps a more socially confident person like Alison could handle that kind of confrontation with a coworker, but since the LW stated that they are neurodivergent, the type of conversation AAM recommends probably will not go well and/or will make the situation worse. Plus, a situation like this that has been going on for multiple years sounds like manager territory.

    3. Ansteve*

      I mean this is in the realm of something that could bite the company. She is saying that LW spit in her coffee but never went to Management. Is a serious accusation and even if Tempest is only saying LW did it, it implies that management wouldn’t do anything about the situation.

    1. Elbe*

      I would love an update to this after the conversation happens.

      Either something is going on that the LW is unaware of or this person is just unhinged. I have a hard time thinking that something this bizarre could just come out of nowhere, and that the other employees would take her side.

  8. Cardboard Marmalade*

    LW, since you mention worrying that your affect tends to come across as cold, I just want to add to Alison’s advice that if you do talk to the coworker, it may be helpful to lead with an explicit expression of empathy for them, along the lines of, “I was upset to hear this because if I thought a coworker had spit in my drink, that to me it would make me feel really unsafe at work, and I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling that way.” I’m not saying you shouldn’t be mad (because the vibes are definitely weird here and it may be the coworker it’s trying to make trouble for some reason), but I think it will benefit you to explicitly frame the interaction not as a confrontation about her having slandered you, but instead motivated by your concern for your coworker’s comfort and safety.

    1. EM*

      I disagree. She’s spreading rumors about LW! That is the issue. LW can express their own emotions – I was shocked to hear, etc – but centering Tempest’s comfort and safety is 100% not necessary, and very likely to backfire.

  9. Caramel & Cheddar*

    I think if it’s affecting your reputation with colleagues it’s definitely worth talking to her about, at least so you can see to what degree she’s acting bizarre. Like, is it one of those things where she blurted something out without thinking about it and now doesn’t know how to walk it back? Is she trying to undermine you? Does she genuinely think this happened, and if so for what reason? Any answer provides a data point to help you figure out how to manage both your relationship with her and your other colleagues.

    Also, do you have a confidant / office BFF / someone else who can help you put out any future fires regarding this? e.g. if your colleague Alonso gets told by Tempest’s friend Prospero that you spit in Tempest’s coffee, they can say “Yeah, that didn’t happen, I don’t know why Tempest is telling everyone that.”

  10. Lorna*

    Sorry this is happening to you, OP.
    I am also not the most confrontational person, but this would make me run & sit in the HR office faster than my chubby little feet would dare to think, because this is bananapants level weird.

    Hope it works out for you and you can get this sorted.

  11. Kiv*

    Tempest doesn’t actually think your or anyone else spat in her coffee. She’s making it up because she wants to turn others against you. Either your initial instinct – that you unknowingly offended her somehow – is correct, or she’s just bananas. Regardless, don’t get sucked into thinking that this is in any way about anything you allegedly did to her coffee.

    1. Dust Bunny*

      This.

      You can try talking to her but don’t expect to get the result that you’re hoping you’ll get, because you’re dealing with a mean girl. And I would consider looping in your managers because it’s turning into workplace weirdness.

    2. Dawn*

      Or it’s a deliberate tactic used by abusers and bullies to build support for themselves by creating a victim narrative at the expense of someone who has demonstrated that they aren’t likely to push back.

      1. Bird names*

        Yeah, some people are just mean and enjoy stirring up shit. To be on the receiving end of weird rumours like that is a weird experience, because you’re likely to wonder if you caused it somehow. But usually it’s just enough to exist in the vicinity of an abuser.

  12. DrSalty*

    Don’t think for one second you did anything wrong. This lady is not acting like a reasonable person.

  13. mlem*

    I can see three possibilities:
    – Tempest made the entire thing up for some reason (loving drama, disliking the LW for more eating-crackers-like reasons, who knows). In that case, the relationship is probably not salvageable.
    – Tempest saw something weird in her drink and thought, for whatever reason, it was the LW’s spit. In that case, a conversation might help.
    – Tempest’s drink was uncovered, the LW was speaking, and Tempest saw a bit of spray leave LW’s mouth and land in the drink (or on the straw). That’s awkward enough that it *maybe* explains why this has become a slow-fade kind of thing? A conversation *might* help there … maybe.

    1. Sloanicota*

      Yeah I was trying to imagine, maybe the lid was loose on the cup one day or something – but the way Tempest is going about this is not particularly in good faith so I’m not sure I’d extend the benefit of the doubt on that one.

    2. ecnaseener*

      I can also conceive of an option 4, bizarre misunderstanding, like Tempest overheard/misheard someone making a joke and took it as fact, or this thirdhand source is wrong about who started the rumor.

    3. Off topic*

      Came to the comments to say #3. We’re talking 2022, during a raging global pandemic. People were hyper aware of bodily fluids. Still weird to then ice that person out and tell people about it 2 years later, but less sinister than starting a completely baseless rumor.

  14. Cardboard Marmalade*

    Curses, looks like my comment got eaten by some glitch. Quick summary is that since the LW mentioned being worried about being perceived as having a cold or unfriendly affect, I recommend opening any conversation on the matter by explicitly framing it as concern for Tempest’s comfort (“I know I would feel unsafe at work if I thought my coworker was spitting in my drink, and I’m so distressed to hear that you/they have been feeling that way”) and not as a confrontation (“I’m mad because I’m being slandered and shut out”).

    1. Pastor Petty Labelle*

      Oh heavens know. That validates this bat guano idea that OP did it. Her script was perfect, non confrontational just hey I heard this and I want you to know I didn’t do it.

    2. Dawn*

      For the record it’s not a glitch that “ate” your comment, it was just being held pending publishing; there are certain words which can trip a flag on comments which means that they need to be manually approved.

      Also, I agree with Petty, the OP should not play into the victim narrative here.

      1. Cardboard Marmalade*

        I was thinking of it more as a CYA move than actually believing Tempest is the victim. Also, thanks, I do see my comment got posted above– so frustrating! I wish there was a notification that a comment was being held pending approval instead of it just looking like it didn’t go through.

        1. Dawn*

          Sometimes there is but I think it depends on your browser settings. The site has to know it’s you or it won’t display it.

          And I’m not suggesting that the OP “believe Tempest is the victim,” but that people like this, who invent a narrative like this to begin with, are only going to use the conciliatory/sympathetic position against you and it’s not going to CYA for anything.

        2. Ask a Manager* Post author

          If you put in your email address, it will display a notification if your comment went to moderation; if you don’t, it won’t. No idea why; it’s just a fluke of WordPress. The only other thing the email field is used for is to display a Gravatar if you have one.

          1. Dawn*

            Presumably when you say “save my name and email” it adds a cookie; without you checking the box off there’s no cookie, and it doesn’t know that it’s you when you return, meaning it won’t show you your hidden comments because it doesn’t know that you are you.

            Uh, sorry for how much that sentence tied itself in knots. Takeaway: it uses the email address to identify you to tell you that your comment is awaiting moderation.

  15. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

    Yeah I’m with team “tell your manager”. I’d frame it as “I’m about to address an interpersonal issues that’s so strange I wanted to bring it to your attention. I recently found out that Tempest apparently thinks I spit in her coffee two years ago and recently started telling others I did that, to the point where people turn away from me when I walk past. I’m going to speak with her so am not asking you to intervene at this point, but because it’s such bizarre behavior I wanted to give you a heads up before I did”

    3. Sparkles McFadden*

      I was just going to write out something very similar to this. “This person is doing something weird and the weirdness might escalate” is something to bring to your manager.

      I’m hoping that the LW’s reaction to the coworker who asked about this might have already resulted in the coworker going back to the person who passed this along to say “This crazy thing isn’t true” but the rumor mill doesn’t work that logically most of the time. Still, I’m betting this is not the first time Tempest has indulged in destructive crackpottery.

    4. Magdalena*

      Yes!
      If she’s affecting how others treat you it becomes vital that you loop in your manager. Try to be as matter of fact as possible but do bring it to the manager’s attention.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      This is perfect.
      You need to set up a safeguard, OP. Manager should know what’s going on before you try to speak to her in case she goes completely off the rails.

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      This. Right now, LW, the story is so whackadoodle it makes you think YOU’RE the weird one, but it’s Tempest. If I heard this as a manager my first reaction would not be “what did this person do to cause Tempest to react this way?” it would be a mix of WTHAF? and calling HR for guidelines.

  16. Sloanicota*

    My sense is that people who are neurodivergent can be quick to blame themselves for social friction and assume that they must have done something wrong, OP, but this really sounds like more of a “her” problem to me. It was a strange thing for her to think without context and there’s no reason you could have suspected she thought that. Also, she’s acting in a very silly way that’s calculated to increase the drama, which seems quite unprofessional. I can’t see you’ve done anything wrong here!

    2. Irish Teacher.*

      YES! I was going to post saying that I really don’t think the fact that the LW is neurodivergent is anything to do with this, just in case she feels that she may have contributed or handled it badly in some way.

      From the letter, it sounds to me like Tempest has just put on her bananapants and that whatever the LW did, it would have been the same thing. Maybe she is threatened by the LW in some way. Maybe the LW brought her a cup of coffee that tasted funny and she jumped to very weird conclusions (though in this case, I would wonder why she started passing the story on two years later).

      But whatever, it seems like she is the one displaying appallingly poor social skills and the LW has behaved completely appropriately and honestly, I think most people, regardless of their neurotype would find this behaviour confusing, because it is bizarre.

      1. Sloanicota*

        To be fair, we don’t know why Tempest soured on OP when they originally started out as friends – but that just happens sometimes, including to people who are not ND.

  17. Katie*

    I would loop someone in management in, as you are the victim of a smear campaign before approaching her for a chat and I’d only approach her with witnesses present. Not her coven but coworkers who behave in a professional manner.

  18. CTA*

    I’ve know people like Tempest. IMO, I’d check in with a manager first and get them on your side before confronting Tempest. Or at least get a colleague on your side first. People like Tempest who have really messed up logic like that will go to great lengths to discredit you. People like Tempest will make it a her word against yours situation and hedge their bets on people taking her side because the accusations she makes/will make are so shocking that no one will doubt her (the accuser/victim). That being said, I don’t recommend confronting Tempest alone. IMO you need a witness to whatever response she has for you.

    1. kiki*

      Yeah, while there is a small possibility Tempest genuinely misunderstood something and has chosen a really weird and terrible way to handle it and will be relieved to find that LW never spit in their coffee, it’s more likely that Tempest is going to lash out more. In my experience with Tempests, she will find a new lie based off of any further interaction with LW. I wouldn’t be surprised if Tempest tries to say that LW demanded to meet with her and spit in her coffee again for good measure. Looping in managers/HR for LW’s protection is for the best.

      1. sofar*

        Yeah, I’m also on team go-to-HR. LW could say, “Hey I know this sounds crazy, but another employee came to me and said Tempest is telling others I spit in her coffee.”

        If LW brings this up with Tempest directly and privately, I can see Tempest saying, “OMG what are you TALKING ABOUT? I would NEVER say that?” And then making something else up entirely, to tell everyone else about.

  19. mreasy*

    I don’t know if I would want to have a private meeting with Tempest in the event she claims something happened behind closed doors, like I slapped her or spit at her or… any other wild fantasy she is clearly capable of inventing. I do think it would be worth trying to talk to her in a public space like the break room, but ultimately if that doesn’t work after a couple of attempts, just go to your manager and explain that you weren’t able to talk to her directly after trying a few times. It is 100% legit to not want to open yourself up to further bonkers accusations.

  20. CityMouse*

    I would not raise this with her directly and would go straight to your manager. When someone’s willing to make up stuff about you like that, talking to them directly is not likely to be productive and could make things worse.

    1. Sloanicota*

      Yeah … if this coffee incident was like, within the last week, and you found out about this rumor, I agree talking to her now would be the move – not as a meeting, just pulling her aside and saying “oh my gosh, I just heard the strangest thing, and I wanted to make sure you knew there’s no truth to it because I would never do that!” And then saying something similar to others who may have heard the same rumor. But at this long after the fact, I honestly doubt she’s sincerely invested in that with the way she’s going about this.

  21. Dawn*

    Yeah, I think the fact that she’s actually telling other people this (and I’d assume it’s just bullying behaviour because you’re neurospicy and (to quote) “painfully nonconfrontational,” nothing more complicated,) is making me strongly lean towards at least talking to your manager, in an “I wanted you to hear from me that Tempest is spreading a weird rumour about me” sort of way.

    Unfortunately, some people are just gratuitously nasty when they find a victim whom they’re pretty sure isn’t going to push back; she seems to be creating sympathy for herself in the office with this narrative of having been victimized by you.

    1. Ms. Murchison*

      It sounds like there may also some neurodivergence targeting here. I wouldn’t be surprised if the people who believe Tempest’s story already didn’t like the LW because of that neurospicy demeanor — “can come across as cold and kind of bitchy sometimes” — which some folks take as a personal insult.

  22. Msd*

    Probably a bad idea but I would consider sending an email to multiple people cc’ing Tempest.
    Subject line: weird rumor about me is going around

    Hi everyone
    Apparently there’s a story going around that I spit in someone’s coffee. I have no idea how this bizarre story got started because I would never and have never done such a thing! Just wanted to set the record straight.
    Thanks and yes it’s safe to ask me to get you coffee
    OP

    2. Oh Dear...*

      Unprofessional – then OP would look like they’re the ones contributing to the gossip mill and creating “drama” on the team by essentially “airing grievances” with a bunch of people who aren’t directly involved. This will get the OP a “drama queen” label instead of the managerial assistance they need.

      2. Wonderland*

        I don’t know, what if the only ones cc’ed are the manager, hr, and manager’s manager?

    4. Saving PDFs Not Lives*

      If Tempest is as strange as she seems, this will only fan the flames. If not, this will make the OP look like the one who is creating drama. I would not recommend this.

    5. Broadway Duchess*

      I don’t think this is the way to go. Looping in management makes more sense than an email imploring people to believe me about this weird thing and also, I really want to get your coffee! I think it would make OP look out of step.

  23. Santiago*

    I disagree with Alison’s advice (an rarety!). I think that this is so extremely unhinged that your manager and potentially HR are a first stop with an email thread to have some written documentation. Then talk to Tempest, and if anything weird occurs you will have already spoken to HR.

  24. Delta Delta*

    I respectfully disagree with talking to her. I’d go to management, and if it makes sense for there to be a meeting, that it be facilitated by management. This is weird enough that a solo conversation with Tempest will probably be misconstrued or twisted. She may even double down and tell people OP confessed to spitting.

    Meanwhile, OP can either say nothing and behave as they normally do around the other coworkers. Or, OP can also put coworkers’ thoughts aside by telling them that, in fact, no, they did not spit in Tempest’s coffee, and what a weird thing to say.

  25. Good Enough For Government Work*

    I’m on team ‘do NOT have a private meeting with this woman’. She has appointed herself the Full Of Bees Police: anything you say to her without witnesses can and will be used against you in a court of office gossip.

    Go to your manager and loop them in on what’s been going on – including that she was ALREADY being rude (refusing to return a greeting, turning away) before this happened. If you like, say that you want to speak to Tempest yourself, but first wanted your LM’s advice and support in dealing with this.

    1. Good Enough For Government Work*

      Also, the past tense of spit is ‘spat’. The way this headline is framed makes it sound like an ongoing thing, with the Letter Writer regularly spitting in Tempest’s coffee…

      1. AGD*

        My understanding is that both spellings are established? Like whether it’s “knitted” or just “knit” in the past tense.

        1. Good Enough For Government Work*

          I don’t know if this is an idiosyncrasy of US English, but no, in all the other English varieties I’m aware of, the past tense of ‘knit’ definitely isn’t ‘knit’. It’s ‘knitted’.

          1. Dawn*

            Past tense of “knit” is “knit” in Canadian English as well, i.e., “I knit her a scarf.”

            1. Caramel & Cheddar*

              Can confirm. “Knitted” makes my skin crawl in the same way “casted” does. It’s just cast!

              4. Dawn*

                More seriously, my favourite is using Latin plurals wherever they fit, whether or not doing so is reasonable or valid.

                Rolodex –> Rolodices.

          2. HailRobonia*

            I dunno… I have enough knitters in my life that I feel there is no past tense of knit because knitting has no end…. just one more skein… just one more row…one more sock…one more scarf….

          3. Six for the truth over solace in lies*

            Even if it is a facet of American dialect, that means that it would not be wrong for an American writing in to an American blog. English as spoken by 333 million native speakers doesn’t exactly an idiosyncrasy make.

      2. Dawn*

        It depends on the context. In this particular one, “spit” is probably the more colloquially appropriate term, but as she’s claiming it happened two years ago, the past tense is technically correct and I didn’t read the headline as “ongoing” at all.

      3. Not like a regular teacher*

        Spat is the past participle, used in constructions like “I haven’t spat in Tempest’s coffee yet today.”

        Spit and spat are both acceptable for the simple past, which is what’s being used in the headline.

  26. SB*

    I have no advice other than anecdote. Which isn’t as advice but it’s funny. (Well, maybe a little advice)

    A local coffee shop barista asked a customer to wear a mask when we all had to wear a mask in public.

    Customer freaked out, swore at the staff and left.

    The customer later started complaining all over social media that a a barista had SPIT in her drink – keep in mind, everyone is afraid of germs right now and small business owners are hanging onto their livelihoods by a shoe string. She is trying to get this barista fired and/or possibly catch an assault charge.

    The coffee shop owners support their staff member AND they don’t back down. They post the security video of what actually happened. They remind their social media followers and customers to please wear a mask otherwise they may have to close permanently.

    And then they sell coffee mugs that say “Spit Free since 2005*” on one side and if you follow the asterisk, it says “founded 2004”

    They donated the proceeds to a local non-profit.

    This is just to say – you can come out looking like a way cooler person than her if you play this right.

    Good luck.

    1. Paint N Drip*

      I think this is a good anecdote! A person can egregiously lie and while some will believe them, the (clear obvious) truth can definitely prevail and have OP looking cool as a cucumber with her head held high

  27. Khatul Madame*

    I am on the team “escalate to manager”.
    And I emphatically do not recommend a 1×1 meeting. If you really want to confront Tempest, do it in a public setting, preferably when she is engaging in kitchen/watercooler gossip. Interrupt her conversation with “Hey Tempest, are you still spreading lies about me spitting in your coffee 2 years ago? We both know this didn’t happen, so stop”.
    But I realize that this is against your personality and would be very hard to do, so see my first sentence.

    1. Oh Dear...*

      That kind of comment will come off as a directly confrontational and inflammatory comment FROM to OP to “poor little Tempest” (that’s how Tempest will spin it “OP ATTACKED ME IN THE BREAK ROOM – I HAVE WITNESSES!!”), and anyone else in the room who don’t understand the context will think that OP is actively engaging in this nonsense.

  28. Scylla*

    This seems like the kind of thing that Alison would 100% recommend the OP talk to their manager or HR about- is there a reason that wasn’t recommended here?

    Given how unhinged the accusation is, and the fact that the coworker is basically starting a smear campaign against OP, I can’t imagine that a single direct chat with her will accomplish much.

    1. I went to school with only 1 Jennifer*

      Alison downplayed it a little, but she did mention it at the end:

      “…unless you see it becoming a bigger problem in your office (in which case, yeah, talk to your manager at that point, but I hope you don’t have to).”

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I think it’s already a bigger problem, given that other people are turning away. Team manager/HR here.

  29. I don't work in this van*

    Like others have said, I’d run to my manager/HR first. But partially because, in addition to Tempest clearly having an agenda, I’d be concerned about other people believing her to the point of icing you out. If a co-worker came to me and said “I don’t like so-and-so because they spit in my coffee 2 years ago,” I would have a lot of questions, and I suspect most of the answers would point me to Tempest being a questionable source. Either way, flagging for a higher power that someone is not just attempting to, but succeeding in turning people against you would be a good move.

  30. dulcinea47*

    I just wanted to add, that if your coworker won’t say hello or good morning to you, they’re not being civil. This is below basic office norms.

  31. Dek*

    This is kinda making me think of a coworker I have who’s been spreading a rumor that another coworker is having an affair with a guy in a different department…because they’re friends and sometimes on breaks he hands out at her cubicle and they talk. Literally just that.

    iirc, she did tell HR about it. But so far absolutely nothing has happened. Usually when rumor-spreading coworker stirs the pot and it’s brought up to HR, we just get some variant of “we can’t make someone be friends with you” etc.

    They don’t work closely together, but it does make my coworker opt out of staff association events if the rumor-spreader is going to be there.

    People doing this really just sucks. It’s such a petty, meanspirited thing to do.

    1. Paint N Drip*

      Stuff like this is why the idea of ‘bullying only happens in childhood’ makes me so incensed. OBVIOUSLY it doesn’t stop in childhood! We move on from being pushed from the swings, but teen/adult bullies just learn to be covert. It IS just petty and meanspirited. As long as everyone outside can see the reality it reflects SO poorly on the bully (what a sad person.. who gets their kicks starting rumors??) but I always fear that a savvy (read: evil) popular person can actually disrupt someone’s career/life with lies and rumors and social manipulation.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Maybe it wouldn’t persist into adulthood quite so much if schoolyard bullies actually faced consequences. Most of the time, they don’t. But that’s a rant for another day.

  32. marymoocow*

    This reminds me of the post where the person writing in thought someone refilled their water bottle with toilet water. Both are such bizarre accusations that it’s hard to figure out why their mind went there in the first place.

    1. Sloanicota*

      Although it does remind me of the guy from the news, some kind of political guy, whose tote bag kept getting wet, and he set a camera and discovered a rival woman was deliberately dumping her water on his bag every day! But yes sane people don’t do such things.

      1. Orv*

        That was Vermont state Representative Jim Carrol. The person dumping water into his bag was state Representative Mary Morrissey. It probably had something to do with Carrol being a Democrat and Morrissey being a Republican, but regardless it’s one of the most passive-aggressive things I’ve ever heard. And I’m from the Midwest, where we know passive-aggressive.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I remember that. And they wonder why we’re calling them ‘weird.’ *insert eyeroll emoji here*

        Regardless, it’s a very unprofessional way to behave toward a coworker, and what Tempest is doing is also unprofessional.

  33. Advice Ignorer*

    I’d be very weary about a one-on-one meeting with Tempest to be honest. We already know they’ve made one story up, and that they’re well connected enough to get other people to believe their lie.

    A meeting with no other witnesses gives them carte blanche to make up whatever they want. If people already believe the coffee thing then they could easily believe stories about you being abusive.

    1. I went to school with only 1 Jennifer*

      Tiny word nitpick, because it matters: “weary” means you’re tired, often in a long-term sort of a way. The word you want is “wary”, which means careful or suspicious.

      (This particular online mis-use is so common that I suspect that “weary” is on its way to changing meaning, in the same way that “nonplussed” is, and some others I can’t bring to mind right now. I may actually add it to my short list of words that I don’t use at all when I am writing for strangers.)

      1. Enai*

        Now I’m nonplussed: what is the other meaning of “nonplussed”? I only know it as a synonym of confused. Basically a long word for “eh?”

        1. katydid*

          because it sounds like it *should* mean the opposite, people use it to mean the opposite (“I thought he’d be upset, but he seemed nonplussed”)

  34. Juicebox Hero*

    Urgh, I had a summer job in college one coworker was a Tempest. She was all nicey-nice to me at first, but halfway through she apparently decided she hated my guts, wouldn’t talk to me unless it was to insult me, talked shit about me with the others in the office. I could never think of a single thing I did to offend her. It was so upsetting and confusing. Thankfully, it was only a summer job.

    I’d talk to your manager now and not bother talking to Tempest. Whatever you say to her is just going to become more fuel for her nastiness. Your boss can’t make her behave like an adult instead of a junior high mean girl, but they have a better chance of stopping the gossip and spreading rumors.

    1. Sloanicota*

      These things don’t take much sometimes. OP says she can occasionally come across as a bit cold, so maybe Tempest got defensive early on, or it’s just as likely Tempest realized OP was someone she could pick on and bully who wouldn’t push back, which was more fun than being friends to her.

      1. Irish Teacher.*

        Or it could be that Tempest feels threatened by the LW in some way or something like the LW got chosen for a project Tempest wanted (and that the LW might not have even known she wanted) or something like the LW had other friends in the office as well as Tempest and Tempest felt that the LW had “betrayed” her by not spending all her time with Tempest (that sounds ridiculous, but there are people who want the full attention of their friends and feel betrayed at the thought of anything less).

      2. Lizzo*

        Even if OP was perceived as “cold”, gossiping about OP is NEVER the appropriate response to that. I can think of plenty of people I’ve worked with over the years who could be described as “cold”, and I never once felt compelled to make up lies about them and spread those lies among colleagues. Then again, I am a reasonable adult…Tempest is clearly not.

        You are not the problem, OP.

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      Tempests act friendly to everyone at first–they can’t be seen being bitchy or no one will believe them later. Then, when they’ve selected a victim, they do just what your coworker did–freeze you out and trash-talk you. Since they were so nice to you earlier (and still are to the people they want on their side) obviously YOU were the one who did something or other.

      You did nothing wrong. You were targeted by a petty little so-and-so on purpose to build up her brittle ego.

  35. Saving PDFs Not Lives*

    This sounds so much like a person that I used to work with that I am actually wondering if it is the same individual.

    I would flag this to your manager as others have mentioned, telling them that you’re going to try to resolve it on your own, but that it is so odd that you wanted them to be aware.

    Because this IS super odd. No reasonable person acts this way, so don’t expect Tempest to be reasonable. Bring it up with her directly, don’t give her time to prepare a response. I’ll bet she either denies everything to your face, or doubles down on the story plus multiple other ways you have “wronged” her.

    Above all, OP, please remember: you are not the weirdo in this interaction!

  37. essie*

    This is so bananas. But then again, I worked with someone exactly like this, so maybe it’s more common than we’d think.

    I would just say, if talking to Tempest doesn’t clear it up or creates more drama, I would talk to your manager. Not in a “Do something about this” way, but more like, “Heads up, something weird happened, and I want you to know about it in case it escalates.” Subtext *because Tempest is clearly a bit nuts.

  38. badger*

    1) tell your manager
    2) tell HR
    3) get someone who is not bananapants to witness your conversation with Tempest!!!

  39. Vincent Adultman’s assistant*

    I’m tempted to maybe loop your boss in even before talking to Tempest. They’ll probably say, “did you talk to Tempest???” right off the bat but this so bizarre that I’d really want my supervisor to know about it up front. If Tempest is the type of weirdo to suddenly start telling people, “OP spit in my coffee way back on December 3, 2022” (or whenever), then she’s the type of weirdo to double down in front of higher-ups. Don’t let her throw you under the bus, OP, just because you’ve got the “extreme non-confrontational” plug-in of a neurodivergent brain (I have that combo too and it sucks big-time. My sympathies!).

    I worked with a Tempest way back in the day whom I could honestly see pulling something like this (but thankfully never did!!) and she was on my team to boot. At least you’ve got that going for you?

  40. Miss Buttons*

    I like that name “Tempest”. Sounds very fitting. What a storm she created out of nothing.

  41. RVA Cat*

    The bonkers timeline has to be because someone observed Tempest being rude to the OP and she made up a lie on the spot to explain it. Then doubled down by spreading the rumor.

  42. pally*

    Gotta wonder how Tempest was able to discern that her coffee was spat into. IOW, they are making something up out of whole cloth. Can’t be sure how they would react to a discussion about something they’ve said to others.

    That’s why I’m on team ‘let HR or a manager know what’s going on’ before discussing it with Tempest directly. Someone should have your back, OP.

  43. Unkempt Flatware*

    When someone accuses me of something totally outlandish and whack-a-doo, I just assume it is something they either would do or have done and are now projecting. I’ve been the victim of someone making something up completely in their own heads. It is impossible to reason with them. I’d not even bother with a conversation with such a person.

  44. Oh Dear...*

    Absolutely do not speak to this person privately – take this directly to your manager and express your shock, dismay and rejection of this gossip to them, and ask them to put a stop to it.

    I worked with a Tempest. She did the exact same things you’re describing: iced me out, gossiped about me to anyone who would listen, essentially treated our relationship as adversarial from the get-go. I made many attempts over 3.5 YEARS to repair and rebuild a normal, civil work relationship with her: invited her to coffee, supported her ideas, did the whole “to get people to like you, ask them for help or a small favor,” did favors for HER, always treated her well despite how she was acting – NONE of that worked, and in fact it made it worse. I completely underestimated how committed she was to just hating my guts, and found out too late that after any attempts to meet with her or have a coffee chat, etc., she would immediately call up her work besties to mock me and lie about me and the interaction.

    People like Tempest are nuts. Do not ever speak privately with her, especially after she’s been on a two-year smear campaign against you. She will just have new ammunition to use against you. Your manager needs to get involved and put a stop to this.

  45. AJ*

    Is there any chance that Tempest just found out you are ND? Is this bullying? Go to your manager for a temperature check regardless, but especially if it seems like this is going on. Good luck.

    1. Irish Teacher.*

      It’s definitely bullying. I don’t know whether it has anything to do with the LW being ND or not, but whatever the reason – because the LW seems a bit different or because the LW is good at her job and Tempest is jealous or because Tempest wanted a closer friendship than the LW did and she feels betrayed or even if she truly believes the LW spit in her coffee or some other reason that might not even occur to anybody reasonable – it’s definitely bullying.

  46. Fergus*

    I would say I didn’t spit in your coffee. for the rec9rd I peed in it. that’s just me…lmao

  47. Pay no attention...*

    Does Tempest, by any chance at all, know you are neurodivergent, and do you suspect that this could be discrimination or harassment? The accusation of spitting in someone’s coffee is so bizarre, it’s the kind of thing IMO that bigots believe (or make up) when they find out someone has a disability. I don’t think talking directly to Tempest is a good idea at all. I think this is time to loop in HR and manager ASAP.

    1. Pay no attention...*

      I’ve always hated picking up food for anyone else — even though this scenario is far too extreme to be the reason why — but I’m a simple “order off the menu” kind of person, and the people who want me to pick up food for them seem to always have complicated “just so” requirements. “no onions, extra tomatoes, extra ranch dressing on the side, add avocado, can they toast the bun? LIGHTLY salted fries…” forget it! I sometimes wonder if they want me to do it because they’ve already worn out their welcome at the restaurant. (kidding but only slightly)

      1. 1LFTW*

        This is why I don’t generally take people up on their offer to get stuff for me. I’m the complicated person (food sensitivities) and if the order is wrong, I’d rather be there in person to say “hey, there’s been a mistake, can you fix it please/thank you”.

        1. Pay no attention...*

          I would be even more anxious if it were food sensitivities rather than preference. For me to see the problem, I’d likely have to be opening the packages and touching the food — and what if I miss seeing a problem?

  49. Heather*

    I haven’t read through all the comments, so please apologize in advance if this was discussed. is it possible to talk to Tempest when the woman who told you about the reason is there?

    I wouldn’t give either of them advance warning, but I also wouldn’t throw anyone under the bus. Just something like “I meant I to talk to you because I heard sometime in the past I spat in your coffee. I’m not sure how or why that started, but I just want to tell you that’s something I would never do and I hope you will talk to me if you have concerns like that.” I’m sure she feign surprise and may ask who told you and just respond that this information isn’t important.

    I’m sure other people will have great ideas as well, so if mine doesn’t fit, it’s all good.

  50. Colorado Winters*

    I know that other people have mentioned looping in HR, and I agree. Years back, I was friends with someone at work whose boyfriend requested a white supremacist tattoo from my husband (who is a tattoo artist). My husband didn’t even respond to the guy and asked that I tell her to tell him never to text him again. I took her aside one day and let her know. I also told her that I thought it was best that we limit our relationship to work only and told her that if she ever wanted to get out of the relationship, I’d be there to help her. Was that the best way to handle it? In hindsight, I don’t know. I immediately went to my boss and HR to give them an account of what happened. I don’t know what she said about me, but people did quit talking to me. I’m pretty sure she didn’t announce that she was having a baby with a white supremacist.

  51. Hyaline*

    OK, Tempest is nutterbutters, no question. But what is up with the other people in your office? You’re saying a decent number of them not only believed this cockamamie story, but started treating you differently because of it!? That’s bonkers! And actually, possibly a bigger issue than Tempest the Teller of Tall Tales–it speaks to a pretty out of whack office dynamic and big gaps in trust that people are willing to believe this stuff. For that reason, I would loop in your manager–just in case there are any unexpected side effects or problems from your coworkers believing this nonsense. If she’s informed, your manager may be better able to set them straight if there’s ever any “Oh, I don’t think I can work with LW for REASONS…” kind of talk or other issues stemming from/related to these rumors.

  52. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

    For some reason, this reminds me of the woman who was spreading rumors about her boss having hit a coworker in a previous job and apparently living in fear about her boss for years. I’ll post the link to follow.

  54. Some Dude*

    If the OP asks Tempest if she has time to chat, it should be in front of witnesses, and loud for when Tempest declines.

    OP: Hey Tempest, do you have time to chat?
    Tempest: No.
    OP: Really? Because I figured you had nothing better to do seeing as you have all the time in the world to spread fake rumors about be spitting in your coffee.

  55. Sindy*

    She’s lying on purpose, God only knows what her real problem is but there is no way she believes you spit in her coffee. That is 100% a lie she came up with to justify her attitude to her co workers.

  56. She of Many Hats*

    OP – This is one of the few times I disagree with Alison’s advice about going to Tempest first. Go to your manager because she is creating a hostile situation in a small office. I’d say something like “Tempest & I got along okay when we started but something changed and I assumed I’d put my foot in it somehow. But recently, someone told me that in the two years since, she’s telling everyone I spit into her coffee way back when. I am now being isolated for something that never happened and I hope my actions over the last 4 years demonstrate I would not do that to someone much less her. I’m concerned that my neurodivergency is being used against me to push me out. Can you help me resolve the situation?”

  57. CanadaGal*

    I would strongly recommend to have this conversation in front of another person. Either HR, a trusted coworker, or even a trusted supervisor or manager. My worry would be that she would take the conversation and spin some awful tale from it, and you would be stuck trying to defend yourself again over some imaginary slight. With a neutral third party witness, they can say, “no that’s not what happened”.

  58. DramaQ*

    I wouldn’t talk to Tempest alone either. Have HR or your manager mediate because not only is Tempest spreading rumors but people BELIEVE her. Unfortunately you can’t know what others are thinking and I wouldn’t trust anyone else to be a witness even if it appears they are currently “on your side”. The whole thing is banana pants and says a lot about the culture of your particular office. Something the manager should know about IMO because you probably aren’t the first and won’t be the last unfortunately. You need to get an idea if this a your office situation or a company wide bee hive. How your manager/HR responds will tell you. This would be enough to cause me to look for another job. Not only is it soul sucking to deal with a Tempest but then to have to put up with her flying monkeys? All over something she claims happened two years ago out of the blue? Do Tempest and your coworkers not have enough work to do to keep them busy?

  59. A_Jessica*

    It’s not productive but I’m dying to know what Tempest’s evidence is.

    Maybe she’s PO’d for another reason & just picked this excuse out of the clear blue sky when someone asked her about it.

  60. Brevity*

    Oh good Lord, who ARE all of these toddlers?

    Not you, OP. You mat be ND, but you are clearly behaving like a normal, socially well-functioning adult.

    You know the situation best, and you’ve demonstrated good judgment, so do what you think is best. If it were me, I’d go to my supervisor and explain it in dry, “this is how is affects my work” terms, such that your supervisor can then have a conversation with Tempest’s supervisor and shut this sh!t down.

    For God’s sake, kindergartners know how to behave better than this stupid drama queen and whatever insecure seventh-grad mean girls she’s roped into her rumor-mongering.

  61. TheBunny*

    I’m honestly waffling between “Tempest is unhinged” and curious why in the world she thinks OP would spit in her coffee. It’s just so…bizarre.

    I really hope we get an update on this one. I’m curious what happens next as clearly where it is now is untenable.

  62. OzDiscoDiva*

    I’m voting with team ‘report to Manager & HR’, too.
    OP (Coffee Confusion*) states above that they are “well-connected with the director of HR” and ‘knows their Manager will have their back’.
    OP, you have the connections and now is the time to take advantage of those relationships.

  63. Just My Two Cents*

    my only contribution to this conversation is that I love the use of Tempest as a pseudonym for this (potentially unhinged) individual

Comments are closed.