my employee keeps commenting on my looks

by Alison Green on August 13, 2024

A reader writes:

How can I best respond to an employee of mine about his frequent inappropriate comments about my body and looks? I’m worried about inadvertently devolving into “you think I’m hot” territory or drawing even more attention to my body, which makes me very, very uncomfortable.

Some recent comments/actions include “You’re bringing sexy back!” (said because I was wearing a completely office-appropriate wrap dress) and “You definitely look like you work out a lot” (said after I made an innocuous gym-related statement).

I’m completely at a loss about how to address this without making myself feel more uncomfortable than I already am about this, or making him feel defensive.

I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

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{ 82 comments }

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  1. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

    Ironic to get this so soon after People ask if my hair color is natural. I wish the same tactics were as effective on hair as they are with other body statements and questions.

    2. Coffee Protein Drink*

      It’s always great to hear when Allison’s advice leads to positive behavior changes. Thank you for supplying the link.

    3. Hyaline*

      Thanks! It’s interesting–I feel we steel ourselves for confrontation in situations like these, but the outcome here–the young man was mortified and apparently didn’t realize how inappropriate the comments were–happen plenty of times, too! I tend to assess the person I’m dealing with (often students, not employees) and sometimes take the track of “you may not realize the connotations of that phrase, but…” or “you may not have intended for that comment to be interpreted this way, but…”rather than a firmer shut-down, and it often works to give them that out–a huge relief when you’re concerned it could go defensive or aggressive!

      1. RLC*

        Once had a colleague (male) who habitually called me (female) “dear”. I finally said “oh, you remind me so much of my grandmother, she always called everyone ‘dear’”. He never called me “dear” again. He was a genuinely nice person who likely didn’t realize how it sounded in the workplace, and I was glad it ended without hard feelings.

  3. HailRobonia*

    Dudes will claim it’s just a compliment and not in any way sexual, but the fact that they probably never say the same things about other men is very telling.

    1. -*

      To be fair, I’m trying to imagine a man saying these things to a woman and I can more easily imagine a gay man doing so than a straight one.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        Never worked in construction, huh? Or manufacturing? Or worked at all? I’ve seen straight men say these things to women in just about every place I’ve ever worked.

          2. Caramel & Cheddar*

            You don’t think there’s a difference between friends saying these things to each other vs a subordinate saying it to their boss?

          3. Orv*

            It’s a completely reasonable thing for one friend to say to another, and for various social reasons gay men are more likely to have female friends than straight men.

            It is, however, completely inappropriate at work.

          4. ScruffyInternHerder*

            Confirming Architecture/Engineering/Construction

            Lived experience as a cis heterosexual woman who has worked in various facets of the above. Both to my face (about me) and about other women behind their backs, so I have to assume it held for all women there (that the had things said both to them and were subjected to commentary about other women not present).

            In 25 years, I have seen exactly TWO fired for this. I have seen an additional two investigations that were “inconclusive”. Both firings included what I’ll call significant “severance” packages.

          5. PurpleShark*

            I am trying not to misunderstand what you mean when you say you have heard comments *about* women but not to women directly. Additionally, that gay men only are more likely to say these things to women? Does that mean to suggest you don’t believe this behavior is widespread or common?

            1. Meep*

              I would ignore Ben. He is clearly benefiting from misogyny and since it doesn’t affect him, he doesn’t care.

          6. Meep*

            Ah. The joys of being a man and being ignorant to the problems of women to the point of dismissing them even after they explicitly tell you it happens.

      2. Tio*

        Um, no. I have never had a gay man make comments like this to me *at work.* Every single time it’s been a straight man. My (least) favorite was a dude who said, when he saw a couple of us standing around in dresses, “I love when summer comes and the skirts come out. Now all we need is a strong wind!” Did he get punished? Of course not.

        Also, not one gay man has EVER told me to smile. But random dude at a gas station? Of course, why wouldn’t he!

        1. Elle*

          The male privilege that backs up this behavior isn’t just a straight thing, let’s be clear. The number of gay men who have found it appropriate to touch my body or comment on my appearance in the past handful of years is definitely higher than straight, partially due to the neighborhood I live in. There is a strong belief that touches and commentary that are coming from a motivation other than attraction are actually okay. Eg, they’d probably understand that it’s gross for a straight guy to catcall me, but still find it reasonable to tell me I’m “too pretty to be a lesbian.”

        2. ChattyDelle*

          I had a customer say, when I asked if there was anything else I could do ( you know, standard customer service line), if I could step back and bend over. Yes, I was wearing a skirt. I gave him the Stare Of Death until he said “oh, too much, huh”. I said ” yes” & gave him his receipt. Did not apologize or brush it off. Hopefully he learned his lesson.

          So, yes, straight men, all the time.Also, to Ben Dover: white as snow. Ask women: In MY life experience, it’s white men, all the time.

          1. Tio*

            This one is pretty variable depending on who you are and what environment you’re in. Men do this because they have the power to, and there are racial power dynamics that can come into play that would make minorities less willing to harass white women, for example, because they can suffer more consequences. That’s getting pretty deep into power dynamics at this point though

        3. Ann O'Nemity*

          In my experience, it’s not a sexuality thing; it’s misogyny and male privilege. Men, straight and gay, have touched my body without consent, commented on my looks, given unsolicited advice on improving my appearance, and then gaslit me when I asked them to stop. Both gay and straight men insist there is no harm in their comments and I’m being too uptight. Gay men may go one step further to minimize their actions because they’re not interested in sex with me. But either way it feels like objectification and it’s hurtful.

      3. Ginger Cat Lady*

        I don’t know what world you live in, but straight men make inappropriate “compliments” to women all the time! Maybe it’s because I am a woman and have gotten thousands of inappropriate “compliments” over the years, but I assure you this is not at all hard to imagine. This is mild stuff, and definitely the (at least occasionally) reality of most women who exist in the workplace.

        1. NurseThis*

          Yeah, I’ve gotten “I wish my wife had a rack like yours” and plenty of other out of line comments in my 50 plus work years. Then when I dared to get old I was in hag territory. Whenever people say they can’t believe it, I wonder what kind of Disney life they’ve had.

      4. Bossy*

        Eh, guys say this stuff all the time, I literally just had one I met at a dinner party tell me You look great! I can tell you work out.

    2. Coffee Protein Drink*

      I think a lot people are (finally!) cluing in to impact mattering more than intent in situations like this. That’s why it’s important when addressing the behavior to clearly say, “It doesn’t matter what you meant, it’s not appropriate.”

    3. Caramel & Cheddar*

      It’s funny because there are ways of complimenting people without making it weird! I’ve had male coworkers say “That’s a nice dress!” or “Great earrings!” to me in a non-weird way because it’s very different from something more skeezy like “You’re really wearing the hell out of that dress.” Compliment the thing, not how the person wears it. It can be done, and when someone chooses the skeezy option, it’s a deliberate choice.

      1. Paint N Drip*

        100%. My husband is the king of noticing his coworkers and offering POLITE AND NORMAL compliments. Notices your new nails, your hair cut/color, a new tattoo, asks how that date went, offers holiday wishes, etc. – there are infinite ways to be a polite kind man, choosing to be skeezy is a choice.

      2. Orv*

        As someone who presents fairly masculine I might think something like that but I’d never say it. I feel like if you’re perceived as a guy, saying anything about a woman’s appearance risks straying out of bounds.

        1. amoeba*

          Huh? No, a nice compliment about a clothing choice (*not* !!! about how my body looks in it!!), haircut or whatever is never a problem and I honestly have never, ever met a woman who has seen it as one. And most of my friends are, indeed, feminists. What tio says below captures it quite well!

          1. Orv*

            I get what you’re saying, but at the same time I’m far too awkward to trust that what I say won’t be misinterpreted, especially since other people will be starting with the assumption that what I say is going to be misogynistic.

      3. Tio*

        The rule of thumb I have always heard is “Compliment a choice, not a feature.” Of course dudes still get it wrong like in my dress comment, but it’s at least a good starting point.

      4. Hyaline*

        That’s the thing–I’ve worked with women and men who could give compliments with no skeev issues at all. “You look nice today, new shirt?” “That’s a great skirt!” “What a pretty color!” and no one bats an eye. I think it’s disingenuous and almost patronizing when people fall back on this pretense of “not understanding where the line is.” Uh. If you can’t hear the difference between “Love that dress, that color of blue is fantastic!” and “You’re bringing sexy back/you’re wearing the hell out of that dress/cue bugs bunny eye popping and mouth open…” well. I can’t help you.

        1. Elsa*

          I agree that the line should be obvious to any reasonable person, but if a man still feels at all unsure where the line is, then he can just avoid all comments on physical appearance and clothing. I’ve had plenty of colleagues (mostly male) who never, ever commented on my clothes, haircuts, glasses, etc. and that is a fine choice as well.

    4. Dinwar*

      I have. Told a male coworker a little while ago “You look like one of the men on the Halmark movies my wife watches.” Plaid shirt, tight jeans, short beard, pensive expression backed by pine trees, that sort of thing. I have about as much interest in him as a lover as I do the average skid steer–which is to say, none what so ever.

      For what it’s worth, I’ve had several crushes on other men–my wife and I actually had a crush on the same guy when we were dating, which we both found humorous. And for unrelated reasons I think men should compliment one another on their looks more often–I’d say 90% of men never get a compliment on their looks as an adult that doesn’t come from their wives, mothers, or grandmothers, and aesthetics is a branch of philosophy. It’s worth noting that in pretty much every previous era it was routine for men to compliment one another’s looks in a purely platonic way (and you can tell the platonic ones, trust me). Read Patton’s autobiographical works, or anything by Ian Fleming, if you don’t believe me (to say nothing of Medieval or older texts). I have no problem telling another guy that he looks good, in a platonic and non-sexual way; be the change you want to see, and all that.

      Was that guy thinking the same thing? Probably not. I will admit that I’m something of a unicorn here, and when you hear hoofbeats “horse” is the most reasonable conclusion to draw. But that’s more a commentary on how degenerate our society is than it is anything else. Men SHOULD feel comfortable saying other men look good. That we can’t without being perceived as somehow not manly is one of the more obvious (though less obviously damaging) examples of how the Patriarchy harms men as well as women.

  4. Big Booty Latina*

    Yikes! Totally inappropriate comments for the workplace—please shut him down the next time he says something like this.

  5. Peanut Hamper*

    It is entirely possible that the employee learned this kind of behavior at their old company. My old company was like this, where these kinds of comments happened all the time. It just goes to show how warped places can warp your sense of what is normal or appropriate.

    And if this is the case, you are actually doing the employee a favor by letting them know that is 100% inappropriate and telling them to reset their behavior to comply with what is normal, rather than what is warped. Never feel bad about correcting this sort of behavior.

  6. Maleficent*

    General observation: women are socialized to be kind at all times because this makes them feel safer. Angry men, defensive men, feel unsafe. I wish this power dynamic didn’t exist because right now I give zero figs about this man’s feelings being hurt when she inevitably tells him to knock it off right now.

  7. Menace to Sobriety*

    “You’re bringing sexy back!”
    “Not at work, I’m not. Let’s stick to business.”

    “You look like you work out a lot”
    “You are looking way too closely at my body. Let’s stick to business/topic at hand.”

    See also: “My attire, my body, appearance should never be a topic of our conversations. Let’s stick to the subject at hand.”

    “If you can’t focus on (topic) and would rather comment on my appearance, then I think this discussion is over. Do you think you can be a professional going forward?”

    Ad.Nauseum. Every.Single.Time

    1. Fluffy Fish*

      She’s his boss so she has a different role here in being much more proactive at shutting this down.

      That might be okay for a colleague but really, if the comments do not stop after being addressed once, it should be escalated. It’s not ok for them to continue.

      1. Menace to Sobriety*

        I’m not sure where in there you got the idea that my suggestions implied it WAS okay for the comments to continue. But, if you don’t like my suggestions, please do suggest what the LW should say so she has some nice clear “shut it down” language, yourself.

        1. T.N.H*

          As the boss, you do need to mention this as a pattern including that it could veer into sexual harassment/legal territory. It’s not enough just to redirect.

        2. Fluffy Fish*

          Wow – so my comment was definitely not an attack.

          But to answer your question, it was the ad.nasuem.every.time that read to me like suggestions to say that when he commented but didn’t make it clear that there were possibly further steps necessary to shut this individual down. Your suggestions are actually great but after once, there needs to be additional action taken then just the suggested comments.

  8. KT*

    What I am currently having a hard time with is someone commenting on my appearance but not in a way thats complimentary.

    Plus, the woman doing it is a bit of a “mean girl” so it just feels like shes bringing it up to be a jerk. When she says, “wow your hair is getting so long”, or “you are so dark!” do I say thank you? I feel weird. But we have a strained working relationship anyways because she is the owners granddaughter and has many narcissistic tendencies that coincide with being born with a silver spoon. So I try to just tell myself that she means it as a compliment. But really I would prefer no one at work comment on my appearance, ever. So I try not to comment on others appearances, unless it’s something like wow I love that shirt, or that color looks great on you, etc.

    2. Tio*

      The long hair comment I don’t really see any issue with, I’m not really sure how that would be spun into a negative. I would probably say something like “Yep, it just keeps on growing!” or something flippant, but it doesn’t seem like a big deal. But “You are so dark” like, wtf to that. That is really inappropriate unless you just went suntanning and came back like 5 shades darker (and even then, phrasing it that way is highly suspect.) I would just kind of stop and stare for a moment, then maybe a “Huh.” If she did it again, I might address it more directly, like “What do you mean by that?” and follow up with whatever she stitches together with “It’s kind of weird to have my skin color commented on like that, I appreciate if you didn’t bring it up again.” And if she does, straight to HR. That one is really weird and out of line.

      1. Elle*

        This is the mean girl aspect of it. They love to choose something that seems innocuous and make a thing out of it. Plausible deniability that they were actually being unpleasant, and makes you look too sensitive.

        Source: so much bullying.

          1. amoeba*

            Eh, I’ve gotten that comment may times – as I generally let my hair grow for quite some time between hairdressers visits and I also mostly wear it in a bun, so people don’t notice. Once I let it down, I can basically bet on the “wow, your hair is so long!” comments. Because it’s actually pretty noticeable!
            I generally take it as neutral to positive and reply with something like “I know, right?”

      3. KT*

        Unfortunately, HR is her aunt and the owner’s daughter **cries in toxic workplace**

        Thank you all for the replies. I will likely just continue to take it, but I’m also petty as hell and a high performer here so even though I am not family, the other family members understand the antics of Mean Girl and if I were to ever mildly retaliate, I’m positive I could handle the fallout.

        Additional context: I am a white woman who tans easily. I purchased water park passes for my family and it was about 4 weeks in to going every weekend that she made a comment about it.

          1. KT*

            I have zero hesitation saying that in other situations, but in the chance that shes being sincere and just bad at interacting with other humans I haven’t wanted to alienate her further with that reaction. But at some point, I can assure you I just won’t care.

    3. Jiminy Cricket*

      I have gotten better at saying, very matter-of-factly, “I don’t comment on other people’s bodies. Please do me the same courtesy.”

    4. Elle*

      People do things like this because they assume it will be too awkward for you to comment on the pattern (these are Weird compliments and likely not meant kindly). I love to comment on the pattern. “Haha, oh, Sandra and the very specific compliments! Are you keeping a chart of my skin shade/hair length/whatever?”

      She’s the one doing it, so it’s not weird to comment on, right?

    5. Salty Caramel*

      I think these comments need the, “What an odd thing to say!” treatment.

      Complimenting on a shirt or its color is a completely different situation than commenting on body type or skin color. You are complimenting on a choice someone made and not their being.

      There are days where I wish someone would pour some nuance in the water.

    6. Hyaline*

      That’s tough, because the comments themselves are potentially innocuous enough that you look like the weirdo for making a stink about them, especially if you tried to elevate it. Not that your reaction isn’t completely valid, but there’s that plausible deniability that either “nice tits” comments or “did you comb your hair with a rake” comments don’t have. And you’d be completely within your rights to pull out a “please do not comment on my looks or my body,” but that does require you do the social capital math of “do I want to spend my capital on this issue” and there’s no perfect answer there–maybe for you it’s yes, or maybe it’s no, you can just ignore it. I think your tactic of “just pretend it’s a compliment” is actually very smart on two fronts–on one, if she is being mean with it, it takes the wind out of her sails and she’ll probably give it up because it’s no fun, and two, it lets you file it away in the “roll off my back” bin more easily.

    7. I went to school with only 1 Jennifer*

      A good way to respond to stuff like that is also extremely emotionally satisfying: respond as if she is being completely sincere. “Yes, my hair is getting long, isn’t it?” “Yes, I spent some time in the sun this weekend.” Whatever she says, just agree with a smile.

      If she’s merely inept, you’re redirecting her. If she’s actually malicious, you’ll drive her bonkers because she won’t be getting the reaction she wants. It’s tiring to keep your guard up like this, but no more so than just living with it, and it might even lead to her talking to you less.

    9. Bitte Meddler*

      In another forum I’m in, someone asked for advice for when they will inevitably run into their mean girl SIL at a family event. The writer is overweight and the SIL is rail thin, but SIL always says something like, “You look so slim!” even when it’s obvious that the writer is the same (or larger) size.

      The best reply isn’t to thank them, but agree and then own it in a way they didn’t expect / mean:

      “You look so slim!”
      “I know, beautiful as always!”

      So, KT, if it were me, I’d answer like this:

      “Wow, your hair is getting so long.”
      “Isn’t it? I love this length!”

      “You are so dark!”
      “I know! We’ve been having a blast at the water park!”

      2. basically functional*

        This is good advice overall, but I hate this part:

        “You look so slim!”
        “I know, beautiful as always!”

        Responding as though “slim” obviously means “beautiful” not only plays into harmful cultural narratives around bodies, but actively propagates them. I understand the point is to shut SIL down, but there are ways to do that without contributing to the toxic stew of negative body talk we all have to live in.

  9. Unkempt Flatware*

    In a job I held about 3 positions ago, I was an administrator for a public transit system where the contracting operator and their employees (public bus drivers) shared work space with us. We had the offices up front and their space was in the back. It’s where drivers spent their time while they waited for the next shift to start and where dispatch happens from.

    Every single time I walked into the driver’s area, I’d get loud vulgar cat calls. Even with management standing right there. One was, “hey lady! How much to let me hit that thang!”. Their union was strong and their company was weak. They had no fear in soliciting me for prostitution. Anyone who thinks this shit isn’t still happening, it is.

    1. Elle*

      The privilege that lets people believe this doesn’t still happen daily in any industry or setting that will allow it is insane to me.

      I always love a good “You can’t afford it, but remind your mother she can always ride for free.” In these types of environments, it usually doesn’t take much effort to figure out who has a mom that is dead or who was raised by their grandmother, which can get you a lot to work with. The kind of people who tend to say stuff like this to women are the kind of people who totally love that kind of thing being brought into the open.

      1. Bossy*

        I love a good horrified expression and a Well that would make me vomit so nah.
        I do have a great horrified expression, it has shut ppl down and sent them away all on its own.

  10. Guest*

    At the very least, this merits a write-up after each incident and a note in his annual review. If he has the nerve to tell HIS BOSS to “lighten up”, her next words should be “you’re fired.” IMO there’s no bleeping way he’s not harassing other women in the office.

    1. Meep*

      I wouldn’t call Ali Hazelwood’s writing “pro-feminisms” since her treatment of female STEM characters in stem is atrocious (down to the whole pure virgin trope), but I love a quote from one of her books –

      “Present yourself with the confidence of a mediocre white man.”
      – The Love Hypothesis

  13. BellaStella*

    I am glad the update is linked in a comment above as this turned out well!

    At my office one guy always comments on people’s bodies and weight and I have twice shut this down but he is still like this and it is just ugh.

    1. Jackalope*

      In this situation it’s different because the OP is his boss and so potentially has the authority and responsibility to shut this down (which according to the update she did). If he had been a peer or supervisor then it would be a clear “report to supervisor/HR”, but she wanted to know how to talk to him as his supervisor.

  15. Marzipan Shepherdess*

    Since this letter was written about 5 years ago, any advice offered now is moot – but it sounds as if the OP solved it for herself anyway.

    BUT one suggestion for people (and let’s face it, that usually means “women or girls”) who encounter these inappropriate colleagues/subordinates/supervisors with their inappropriate comments: Document EVERY such encounter as soon as possible after it happens! If you put it down on Word, so much the better – there’ll be a date-and-time-stamp on every entry, which will further bolster your case. Write down the comments verbatim – use the exact phrasing spoken or written by the jerk – er, inappropriately-behaving employee. You’re aiming for maximum credibility here, so document everything meticulously while it’s still fresh in your mind!

    1. NotJane*

      I wish I’d had this advice when I was in my mid-twenties and working at a car dealership. I could’ve sued the CRAP out of them. The general manager (who watched p*rn on his work computer while at work) probably wouldn’t have cared about my complaints but I’m sure the large corporation in charge would have.

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