the poorly kept secret, the all-staff email, and other stories of affair drama at work

by Alison Green on August 29, 2024

Last week we talked about coworkers cheating on coworkers, coworkers cheating with coworkers, and related drama. Here are 11 of the most bananapants stories you shared.

1. The poorly kept secret

At OldJob where I was an intern, there was a couple (Bob and Barbara) who were having an affair. They were in the same department but on different development teams and they didn’t think anyone knew, but in the gossip-heavy workplace, it took all of two seconds for the affair to be discovered. The couple’s preferred way of being discreet was to pretend they didn’t know each other. Whenever someone would mention Bob to Barbara, she’d say something like “Oh does he work on (wrong floor)? I don’t think we’re acquainted.” And then Bob would say “Barbara? Is she the (wrong title) in (wrong department)?”

Naturally, this led to everyone finding ways to mention Bob and Barbara as much as possible just to see what new way they’d pretend not to know the other. Then someone created a scavenger hunt list. Every week, a group of employees would compete with each other to get Bob or Barbara to pretend not to know the other in as many different parts of the building as possible. Elevators and bathrooms garnered the most points.

The game came to an end during the state association conference when the two of them wound up on the same certification panel and were forced to “introduce” themselves to a huge room full of their colleagues. Scuttlebutt was the department head got sick of the scavenger hunt shenanigans and assigned them both to the panel as a way to shut it down.

2. The cheating rumor

When I started dating my husband, I referred him by his proper name (let’s say John). But he had a nickname in the family, let’s say JJ, and he always went by JJ when we were with family and friends. So a couple times at work, I used JJ instead of John. One of my gossipy coworkers went to another and said, “Oh my gosh, John seemed like such a good fit for her. I can’t believe she went behind his back with this guy JJ!” Supposedly they decided not to “embarrass” me by asking about it, so for a few weeks, my office thought I was cheating on my boyfriend with … my boyfriend.

3. The head of HR

I’m a cheater whisperer, people feel the need to confess to me when they’re cheating, thinking about cheating or being cheated on all the time. I don’t know why either.

The weirdest confession at work came from the head of HR (!!), at the Christmas party, in the bathroom.

Jane, head of HR, hired Fergus, a sales manager. Who was engaged at the time, which everyone knew as it was part of his introduction to the company.

About three months after Jane hired Fergus comes the Christmas party, traditionally with an open bar. I’m drunk and in the bathroom, washing my hands. Jane comes in, presumably even drunker than I am, bursts into tears and sort of falls into my arms and confesses her affair with Fergus to me. There are tears. There is sobbing. I have no idea what’s going on. I don’t remember the whole episode that clearly (again: drunk as hell) but I remember awkwardly patting Jane’s back with my wet hands since I hadn’t gotten around to drying them yet; a couple of renditions of me going “he’s never going to break off the engagement” and her going “I know but I think I love him”; a colleague walking into the bathroom, seeing Jane and me and just turning around and walking back out again; and the same colleague later coming back to rescue me. I don’t know how long Jane and I were in the bathroom, but it felt like forever. It was at least long enough for my colleague to grow a conscience and return to help.

The whole thing was so surreal that the next morning I genuinely wasn’t sure if it was real or an alcohol induced hallucination, except the colleague who came to my rescue asked me the next day WTF that had been all about (I DON’T KNOW) and Jane didn’t look me in the eye for weeks (no great loss, she was shitty HR anyway).

4. The Love Shack

At my mom’s workplace years ago, they were all social workers for the state and had cleaning crew provided by the county. They were performing the cleaning as part of community service requirement. For the most part, this was fine. The workers treated the cleaning crew well and respected them. The work was mainly vacuuming halls, dumping trash, and groundskeeping.

One social worker who was married and had children struck up a “friendship” with one of the crew who was her age. My mom and her coworkers did think it was odd she was pouring so much attention on this guy. And she turned around saying she was helping him through her church. I mean, the guy met her husband and had been to her house during a party that other coworkers were at. Turns out they were having liaisons in the storage shed out the back during working hours. They got caught in the act one day by a worker going to get some equipment.

And the worker that caught them was legendary. They didn’t notice her. She walked back into the building, got on the phone intercom and called the office head to come out back to the “Love Shack.” The office head starts asking her what she means and she tells them as she walks them back to the shed where they both catch them. That worker got fired on the spot and to our knowledge, never told her husband why. My mother and her coworkers consistently called the storage shed the Love Shack after that point.

5. The hookup capital

I worked at this place that was known as “hookup capital.” Cheating is rampant — people would come married into this workplace and leave married to someone else — it’s nuts. There was this one guy who sat next to his girlfriend, and they worked on the same department. They were classic high school sweethearts who had been dating for years, until they got married while working there. Turns out, the girl was cheating on the guy for years with someone else who sat next to them in the same department. They divorced, while sitting next to each other, and the girl married the new guy. Later on, the girl left to a different place for a couple years, and then divorced the new guy. Then she came back TO THE SAME DEPARTMENT and sat next to her ex-husband and proceeded to date someone else while cheating on them with the original guy. I think they even got remarried or they were dating by the time I left — it was unclear.

That workplace is a mess. I miss the drama, it kept me entertained.

6. The revenge

Male manager (Bobby), divorced, has girlfriend (Cindy) who everyone knows because she runs a hotel/conference center and gives company great cost breaks. Bobby begins acting suspiciously with Jan, his employee, who is married. Bobby and Jan deny anything is going on. Jan gets divorced. Bobby claims he has broken up with Cindy so please don’t ask her for discounts. Bobby gets involved with Marcia, but it’s not romantic – she just needs his help so he goes over and makes her coffee every morning, but he definitely doesn’t sleep there!

Jan begins to smell a rat. She contacts Marcia, who says what do you mean? Bobby and I are engaged! Jan reveals she and Bobby and engaged! Jan calls Cindy and – you guessed it – she and Bobby are engaged!

The stage is set. Marcia and Bobby go out for dinner. They are seated at a table for four. After drinks are ordered, Jan and Cindy appear (IN THEIR WEDDING DRESSES!) and sit down.

Bobby married Carol six months later.

7. The obliviousness

I am oblivious to this type of thing and am always the last to know about any interoffice romances, cheating or not.

I once walked into my boss’s office to ask a question and a coworker was in there too. Asked my question, got the answer, and went back to my desk to continue working. I DID NOT SEE ANYTHING or SUSPECT ANYTHING untoward going on. Must have had my head down looking at paperwork or was just not paying attention.

Next day, both parties came to me separately so embarrassed asking me not to say anything/gossip about what I saw the prior day. I truly had no clue what they were talking about. I can only assume I did see something but my brain would not compute and just lost the memory completely.

8. The mess

I have a good one because of the absolute audacity! This background is necessary for how this happened and caused no one to get in trouble. The first place I worked after college was very “high school” in terms of gossip and everyone making horrible relationship choices since 95% of the people hired in that department were hired straight out of college and most higher ups had come up through the ranks with almost no outside hires. The job involved a lot of lab work where people were scheduled to work with the same people throughout the whole day. The tasks were pretty mindless, so gossip was the easiest way to pass the time.

There was a girl (Sherri) on one of the teams. She was secretly dating Casey, Zane, and Jess. She’d told each of them that she wanted to keep it a secret because she didn’t want their relationship to become workplace gossip. She also told each of them that she HATED the other two guys due to them treating her poorly. Thus, all three guys would only talk to her one-on-one at work and tried their best to avoid each other.

This worked really well until she went on vacation with her family. One of the schedulers who had an idea of what was going on chose violence that week and scheduled all three guys in the same task every single day that week. The first day all three worked in silence. The second day Casey started talking about how he was sad because his girlfriend was on vacation that week. Zane and Jess thought that was a coincidence because their girlfriends were also on vacation. One of the three of them said something about it being hard to have a secret girlfriend at work. Then the floodgates opened and they all realized they were all dating Sherri and she was cheating on all three of them. Picture the Spiderman meme where they’re all pointing at each other if you want an accurate picture.

At the end of the week, Casey and Jess were assigned to lead a project together for the next three rooms, even though they hated each other so much that they couldn’t speak to each other and none of the three were allowed to be scheduled with each other because it would devolve to screaming.

Sherri came back to a nightmare. Casey, who had been dating Sherri the longest, ended things with her because he also blamed her for the issues. Jess would talk crap about Sherri to anyone who would listen. Zane thought Sherri was out of his league and that he couldn’t do any better, so he continued to date her and they made the relationship public. However, Sherri continued to cheat on Zane with Jess.

Jess would talk about it with other coworkers while riding the bus home, so everyone, including Zane, knew about it. It was the talk of the department for months.

9. The car dealership

During my time at a car/recreational vehicle dealership, Phil was our top salesman, for reasons no one could define. His jokes weren’t funny, his belt buckle was the size of his head, he wore his shirt unbuttoned nearly to the waist, he referred to himself in the third person – he probably even hated puppies, not sure. Phil never met an elderly customer he couldn’t or wouldn’t screw over.

Phil was married – as cads often are – to a wonderful woman we all loved, who was unaware of his penchant for picking up strippers, bringing them back to the dealership, and “christening” the new RVs. None of us could stand him but since he had the highest sales, he was untouchable.

One morning, a few salesmen were standing around, snickering about the night before. They had all gone to a strip club, where Phil met a stripper – “Berry” – whom he brought back to the dealership for the RV portion of his evening. Typically, he would just shoo them out when they were done, and go home to his wife, but Berry was impressed with his new “digs” and resisted leaving. Phil told the salesmen that she delayed him getting home so much, his wife was suspicious.

I asked the salesmen if they wanted to assist ruining Phil’s morning; they couldn’t agree fast enough.

Our dealership was huge, covered three buildings and four large parking lots. This pre-dated cell phones/pagers, so to get a hold of someone, you had to use the PA system. Both the buildings’ and the lots’ speakers were insanely loud; the people buried in the cemetery down the road probably never got a moment’s piece during business hours.

I knew Phil was in the RV lot, tidying up from the night before. Over the PA, I announced, “Phil, please call Reception.” When he did, I said a friend of his was waiting in the lobby, she said her name was Berry. I am fairly certain he dropped the phone. He told me to say he wasn’t available, and ordered me to get rid of her. I hung up. Minutes later, I paged Phil again; when he called, I reported Berry was interested in buying a car, and would not work with any other salesman, given that Phil had promised her a big discount. Phil was irate (cheating on his wife with strippers was one thing, giving a customer a discount was intolerable) and again, told me to get rid of her.

I hung up and paged him again after another imaginary conversation with Berry. This went on for a ridiculous amount of time; Phil giving me increasingly panicky demands to get her to leave, “Berry” becoming more insistent on getting that discount she was promised. I was just about to let Phil off the hook when the owner of the dealership arrived, perfect timing! I to page Phil twice to get him to come to the main building.

When he finally stormed over, he noticed the owner’s car and really panicked. He said, “Where’s Berry?” and one of the salesmen said she was waiting in the customer lounge. When Phil couldn’t find her, another salesman said he saw her walk out to the new car lot. Still no Berry. Yet another salesman said, “That chick wearing the blue dress? I saw her walking over to the RVs.” Phil sprinted out the door just seconds before we all broke down laughing. We kept that up for an hour, making Phil jog all over, looking for Berry. Cruel, but highly entertaining. Finally, Phil had sweated through his clothes, and we had gotten bored. The salesmen told Phil they tracked her down and asked her to wait in the conference room. Phil burst through that door, only to find our way-past-retirement (and in on the joke) comptroller sorting files. She looked up at him and said, “Hello, big boy!” and winked.

Phil didn’t talk to anyone for over a week. It was glorious.

10. The calculations

My spouse works as an independent contractor for a larger company, where each person/team is paid for jobs completed and difficulty, not hourly. Those able to complete the greatest number of jobs and/or who have expertise in the most challenging specialties make the most money.

There was a woman who worked in sales who realized she could calculate which of the subcontractors were making the most with the data she had … and then she proceeded to date ALL of the top earners (this is a very physically demanding, male-dominated industry). At once. The company is spread out across the country, and most subcontractors travel frequently, so it was actually pretty easy to keep them secret from each other for several years.

However … when it got out, the whole company kind of exploded. She’d been in “exclusive” relationships with at least 12 men, some of them with wives and children, and almost all of whom she’d convinced to spend extravagant amounts of money on her in gifts and vacations. There were several divorces and at least one physical altercation. One employee literally disappeared into the desert for several weeks and then just … went back to work and nobody said anything about it. The saleswoman was let go, but almost all of the men stayed with the company, so … now all the top performers just hate each other’s guts. No one with any of the key specialties can teach the whole system, and they absolutely refuse to work together on anything ever, including teaching the same person in sequence, so the company is now slowly crumbling because one woman was the world’s most manipulative player.

11. The all-staff email

I used to work at a small agency owned by two partners. One afternoon, a coworker looked over at me across the open-plan working space and whispered “Have you checked your email?” When I did I found an email from the wife of one of the partners addressed to the entire company with the subject line “Big News!” and the text:

Hey Everybody!

[Partner] and [Designer] are sleeping together! She can have him!

I sat there for the next fifteen minutes or so as you could watch people go from quietly working to gazing around with the same shell-shocked expression that I and my coworker had. Eventually the designer in question read the email and left in understandable embarrassment. I left shortly thereafter, texting my wife with the location of a bar near her office and informing her that I would be waiting there with a stiff drink until she could get off work.

Relatedly, if you want to read a very long email sent company-wide by the wife of an employee who was cheating on her with a coworker, you may do so here.

You may also like:
{ 152 comments }

{ 152 comments… read them below }

  1. Juicebox Hero*

    “Relatedly, if you want to read a very long email sent company-wide by the wife of an employee who was cheating on her with a coworker, you may do so here.”

    Of course I want to. Duh!

      1. Juicebox Hero*

        A++, would read again. I get why the poster and their boss pulled it from the server before it got around the whole company, but my land, what a glorious reply-all-pocalypse that would have been.

        1. Paralegally Blonde*

          It would absolutely be worth 192 “please stop replying to all” reply-alls.

          That said, I feel like the most likely response would be a lot of wide-eyed prairie dogs peering over cube walls asking, “did you just read that?”

    3. Pocket Mouse*

      Can someone please share that commenter’s user name? For some reason the page stays at the top after loading for me rather than taking me to the comment.

      1. Hlao-roo*

        The commenter is Adverb and the comment is timestamped August 22, 2024 at 2:22 pm.

        As a side note, I think if you have “collapse all comments” set as default for this site in your browser, the links to specific comments don’t work.

    5. OlympiasEpiriot*

      My biggest regret on behalf of the writer of that e-mail is that they didn’t know how to set a timed send for it so it went out the next morning when lots of people would see it!!

    7. Zeus*

      It’s very well written, but honestly reading it just made me sad. I hope the email-writer is okay now.

    1. Macropodidae*

      Like she just flipped a coin at the beginning of the day, as usual. But she’d been on an unusually long and statistically improbable run of heads, and today she landed tails.

      2. rebelwithmouseyhair*

        We all know that you can ignore a coin when it doesn’t land as you want it. The whole point of tossing the coin is to find out what you really want deep down, then you can act on the strength of your conviction. Like, your reason might be something you don’t want to admit to yourself, so you need the harsh reality of the coin landing on tails to out the truth.
        So she really did choose violence. The kind I love.

    2. Our Lady of Shining Eels*

      That’s when I started cackling, and wound up reading the story out loud to my coworker.

  3. London Calling*

    Bob and Barbara reminds me of a job a couple of decades ago. My line manager was having an affair with guy in another dept (both married) which they were sure was a deep secret, if it wasn’t for the fact that every time he went out on a ‘customer visit’, she was ‘off sick.’ What made it all the more noticeable was that she’d come back to work and regale us with the ‘details’ of her ‘illness’ so that those occasions stuck in our minds rather more than they would have done if she’d just said ‘dodgy tuna sandwich the other day, sick as anything’ and left it at that. I think she was running out of things that were causing her to have a ‘sick day’ and when she did we started having an informal sweepstake as to what it would be THIS time.

    End of story was they both got fired for involvement in issuing of fraudulent invoices, picked up by an eagle eyed legal counsel who wondered why our solicitors’ bills were going through the roof all of a sudden.

  4. Sometimes Why*

    Hahaha, I’m married and The Cheating Rumor happened to me when my brother got hired in the same company. We ate lunch together, talked during breaks, generally acted like people who know and like each other. After maybe a week, one of my coworkers cornered me about “that little man who’s always sniffing around here,” and I was so stunned that I could only squeak out, “He’s my brother! … He’s married!” Then I started telling her about his lovely wife. It was so weird. I died of embarrassment twice in 10 seconds.

    1. Bee*

      Hah, the same thing happened to my mom in high school! She repeated a grade, which put her in the same class as her younger brother, and with the same last name their lockers were next to each other – and multiple people concluded the guy who was always hanging around by her locker and chatting with her was obviously her boyfriend. When she tells the story now she always concludes with “gross!!!”

      1. Tongue Cluckin' Grammarian*

        My brother and I went to the same high school briefly (two grades apart) and somebody spread a rumor that we were dating each other because I was seen giving him a (joking) noogie on a walk between classes. I was agog twice: the assumption I was dating my little brother and that the marker for that was noogies.

        1. Gumby*

          Yeah, I was in the drill team in high school and we all sat together in the stands at football games (we were there because we did the half-time shows). My brother stopped by and talked to me. That’s it. We had a conversation. For maybe 2 minutes. After he left several people were all “is that your boyfriend?”

      2. Katherine*

        My brother and I worked together at the same restaurant when we were teenagers, so of course we carpooled. But we don’t look that much alike and we have the same last name, so people thought we were married, too! Gross!

        Another time when my oldest was just under a year old, my brother was giving me and kiddo a ride for something or other and we stopped by my work to pick up my paycheck and someone thought he was my husband again! Double gross!

      3. Medley of books*

        I had a similar experience. Only in my case, I ended up with a few step-brothers when I was 14. One of which was in my grade and a couple of classes with me. What is more, we ended up needing to share a car when we both got old enough to drive. This resulted in some people thinking we were dating.

    2. Lana Kane*

      My uncle and I are only 8 years apart. When I was 14 or so he was engaged to his future wife and all 3 of us went to the same church. One day at some church event, my uncle and I were sitting at a table and chatting and someone who didn’t know that we were related started telling people that Uncle was behaving abominably and flirting with me. I think at some point my name got dropped from the hot goss so for a while people were thinking he was cheating on his fiancee. I’m not sure who finally put 2 and 2 together, but he did some damage before people figured it all out and of course he didn’t apologize. That dude was definitely old enough to know better than to be running around gossipping that way. Not very Christian of him! (Also, again, I was 14. Gross.)

    3. Lenora Rose*

      We have a friend whose legal name and the name she went by with friends are *completely* different (think Robin and Laurel). Her husband met her via work (she actually trained him on the job she was leaving), so he used her legal name, as most workplaces do.

      Someone who recently joined our social club and had never heard Robin’s legal name was deeply confused for several weeks when he talked happily about Laurel then walked out hand in hand with Robin… mostly because she noticed that nobody was perturbed! I think she thought it might maybe be a poly situation, which is why she didn’t ask for so long.

    4. Dust Bunny*

      My brother and I were out one night and when I got up to talk to a friend the annoying guy at the next table leaned over and asked Brother, ” . . . so, have you met her parents?”

      Brother, caught off-guard, replied, “Yes? But it’s not what you think.”

      The funny part is that Brother and I look amazingly alike. I’m a medium-height woman and he’s a really big man but we functionally have the same face. We are unmistakably siblings. We have a whole bunch of stories about this.

      Later that evening we were telling this to the friend and the guy at the table next to his–this was a small place–burst out laughing, and then apologized, ” . . . you two look so much alike I don’t know how anyone would think you weren’t related.”

    5. HSE Compliance*

      My grandparents were good friends with a couple and traded childcare between the two. Each couple worked split shifts, and so my grandma worked on the same shift as the other couple’s husband. Again, good friends all around, they would all take care of all the kids. Of course all being friends and in the same friend group they’d drop each other off at work, eat lunch, etc etc.

      My grandma found out that the rumor was she was cheating on her Friend with her actual husband and no one could agree on whether she had 5 kids or 2, AND that Friend was cheating on her with his actual Wife who worked first shift, who was cheating on my grandpa with her actual husband.

      This was of great, great entertainment to all of them, and not a single one of them corrected anyone. It probably didn’t help that Grandma immediately started telling stories about what all the kids and grownups were up to in ways that weren’t *wrong* but definitely made it even more confusing who was with who. It all fell apart when Grandma’s sister started working there too and someone tried to tell her all the hot gossip about this apparent love dodecahedron.

      1. Industry Behemoth*

        This reminded me of a storyline from an old comic strip. Rex Morgan MD, I think.

        Laura and Remington are a dating older couple, and she thinks he’s been cheating on her. Eventually she finds out he’s not, and that he’s known of her suspicion for some time.

        Remington was so flattered that Laura thought he could attract another woman, he’d let her continue believing he was a louse!

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I love those soap opera strips! Got hooked on them from reading The Comic Curmudgeon’s blog.

      2. Ophelia*

        lol, we have friends whose kids are the same age as ours and we also have the same (uncommon) last name. It has DEFINITELY led to some confusion about who is married/related to whom, and which kids belong to which family (two of them look quite similar despite not being related.)

      3. Polaris*

        You’re telling me that this has happened to another pair of families in the world somewhere?

        Because, all of this. People at school in the administration had our parents completely crossed. I’ve lost track of which siblings were supposedly mine (my actual sibling who I share undeniable family resemblance with was not of of them) over the years. The Dads especially leaned into the nonsense, mostly because a lot of it started with a contemptuous woman who Dolores Umbridge could have been based upon. It was nonsensically ridiculous.

        And yeah, the actual parents are all still married to the original partners, and they’re all still besties, thirty odd years later.

        1. HSE Compliance*

          My family also has a lot of 3rd+ cousins and we all look like we’re related. And there’s just so dang many of us that the running joke (before I got married, at least) is “Oh, you’re a Compliance? Are you related to Joe Compliance?” Yeah, probably, probably like a 4th cousin or something. I also had a 3rd cousin in my same grade throughout high school and many people thought we were twins. I honestly didn’t know he existed until we were both at that school.

      4. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

        I had something similar. My spouse and brother worked for the same employer in different departments that would collaborate so they would be at each other’s building frequently. I would stop by for lunch a few times and would chat with whichever one was there. Somehow, someone thought my brother was my spouse and that he was cheating on me with some “hussy” who was always hanging around in the morning bringing him treats and left before I got there.

        The shit-stirrer didn’t tell me directly, no. She told our father because she felt our father would set him straight. Except the supposed hussy was my brother’s wife, who also came for lunch and left earlier because her lunch break was half an hour before mine. And our supposed father was actually my spouse, who was very confused as to why my brother’s coworker was telling him about an affair his nonexistent son was having.

        What’s weirder is my brother and I look very much alike and my spouse looks nothing like us for obvious reasons.

    6. LGP*

      I’m suddenly reminded of the town sign from Schitt’s Creek: “Don’t worry, it’s his sister!”

    7. PhyllisB*

      I have a nephew 18 years younger than me. When he was about 15 we went to a movie together. Some of his friends saw us and got on the phone to his girlfriend to tell he was cheating on her with some “hot older chick.” (Thanks for the compliment. guys!!” Luckily, she was already aware of our movie “date” so no harm done. We all had a good laugh.

    8. Chirpy*

      I used to work with someone that all the kids assumed she’d gotten married when a new coworker with the same last name started…it was her cousin.

  5. Clearance Issues*

    I feel the “cheater whisperer” SO much, like please I barely know you why are you telling me you’re cheating on your spouse.
    Do they just take the stunned silence to mean “Tell me more I totally approve of your lifestyle” instead of the “…This is more than I am equipped to handle and I cannot ask why tf you’re telling me this in a professional way?”

  6. The Linen Porter*

    Lolz! This made my day, I need to go dig up that thread. If we’re doing votes, I think #9 wins it for me… I’m just visualizing an ”old school” car dealership in the ~ 80’s or so, and for some odd reason it’s John Candy playing Phil Anderer. And the narrator is Chevy Chase…

    1. Hlao-roo*

      #9 was from Stella70, who has many good stories! I recommend checking out “a truly hilarious company holiday party story, told in bullet points” from December 7, 2022, also from Stella70 and about that same car dealership. (Link in reply)

      1. Hlao-roo*

        Hilarious company holiday party story, told in bullet points:

        https://www.askamanager.org/2022/12/a-truly-hilarious-company-holiday-party-story-told-in-bullet-points.html

        Follow-up clarification bullet points here:

        https://www.askamanager.org/2022/12/open-thread-december-9-10-2022.html#comment-4107345

        And I don’t know if this was also from the car dealership, but #12. The spill from this post is also from Stella70 (and thus, also hilarious):

        https://www.askamanager.org/2023/08/mortification-week-the-terrible-misunderstanding-the-cat-serenade-and-other-stories-to-cringe-over.html

        2. Stella70*

          Hlao-roo: I am so overwhelmed and touched that you liked my writing enough to remember how/where to dig it up! You have no clue how much joy this brings me.
          (It saves me time, too, because my mom has been really bugging me to send her a print-out of my “write-ups” – she’s 85, no computer, no smart-phone, and lately, no patience – so you have made it so easy for me!
          Have a wonderful weekend!

          1. Hlao-roo*

            Please don’t forget to send your mom #5. The last name from “the overheard self-talk, the shoplifting, and other times you mortified yourself in job interviews” post! (October 25, 2023)

            It’s my favorite story of yours–has me in stitches every time XD

            1. Stella70*

              Thank you!! I had completely forgotten that I wrote about that, which is especially “on point” for me! :)

          3. Never too late*

            @Stella70, I’m with your mom. It’s not too late to start a writing career!

            I’d contribute to a Kickstarter or whatever the kids are using these days.

          4. Teapot, Groomer of Llamas*

            Stella, you really should collect these stories into a boo. They are amazing.

      2. So they all cheap-ass rolled over and one fell out*

        Was it the one where she tried to host a 100 person holiday party in her studio apartment?

        1. Hlao-roo*

          Yes, that’s the one! I think it was a very small house, not an apartment (because there was the Pee Ring). And Stella70 said that Phil is the Sales Manager whom Sheila the co-host was having an affair with.

      3. Ms. Norbury*

        That story is glorious! The first time I read it I had to take little breaks to catch my breath, because I was wheezing from laughing so hard.

      4. goddessoftransitory*

        I KNEW IT!

        By the end of the first paragraph I knew only Stella70 could produce such a masterpiece.

      5. Quill*

        I bet you it was the same car dealership.

        … statistically I know there are probably at least two like this and that once you get a job at one type of business you’re more likely to have another at the same type, but DAMN.

  8. Valancy Stirling*

    I’m cackling at all of these, but #10 is my favorite. Somewhat unrelated, but HOW does anyone have the energy to carry on several “exclusive” relationships?

    2. The Coolest Clown Around*

      That one’s mine! A detail I realize now is unclear in the post is that a lot of the top performers who work for the company travel so frequently that they basically live out of their cars for a portion of the year – which incidentally makes it hard for most of them to maintain stable relationships. So I imagine she just kept an eye on when their schedules were going to be overlapping in the same cities, since she was also in a high-travel position… but still, she must have been texting/tracking/coordinating basically constantly. I’m truly AMAZED that she didn’t blow the whole thing with an accidental text to the wrong person.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        It’s like those catfishers who have fifteen cell phones but with her it was live and in person.

      2. Ellis Bell*

        Yeah, I usually don’t approve when only one affair partner gets the sack, and the other half of the relationship stays employed, but in this case she was using the privileged information from her job to con multiple people and she must have known the risk that it would spread chaos amongst the top performers. Seems fair in that scenario.

    3. Jennifer Strange*

      This. Even if I wanted to cheat on my husband I don’t have the time or energy for even ONE affair, let alone TWELVE!

      1. Anonymel*

        Hah this comment remind me once, I was musing to the hubs “If I suggested a 3some with (friend) what would you say?” and he said, “I can’t make one happy. Why on earth would I want to disappoint 2 women?”

      2. ragazza*

        Right? How do you even have time to do your job?? On the other hand, that woman probably has amazing project management and organizational skills.

          1. Silver Robin*

            okay but could you imagine the interview where she answers a “tell me about a time when…” question with “I was dating 12 guys at once and…”

      3. Not Another Username*

        It is entirely possible. I’ve had monogamous partners who would be good with a handful of texts at the end of the day, prefer to have a date fewer than three times a month, prefer not to cohabitate, are workaholics and have extended family commitments AND need alone time AND have lots of hobbies (addictions) and friends to occupy their time.

        Let’s be real, lots of people are emotionally unavailable and will still sign up for committed and exclusive relationships. Some of those subcontractors from #10 were married so they weren’t exactly exclusive.

        I’m excellent with a calendar and a little quality time with me goes along way. I swear I’m not the cheater from post #10!

        1. Laurel3.0*

          I am those people, in re: not wanting a lot from my partner but wanting to be exclusive. Everyone’s different! Some people like a lot of alone time.

          But yeah, can’t imagine having the social stamina it takes to have one affair, let alone 12. And I’m a great scheduler & organizer!

    4. Sir Nose d'Voidoffunk*

      That was incredible. I would never cheat on my wife, but my hat is off to her. That’s incredible hustle.

    5. notyouraveragelibrarian*

      #10 made me give a mental thumbs up (though I sense that receiving “personal gifts” isn’t completely compliant) BUT still, kudos :)

  9. Perihelion*

    Seems like the people who got cheated on keep blaming each other rather than the cheater.

    1. Stipes*

      Yeah, the fact that Sherri in #8 was still in a relationship with two of the three guys, even after it all blew up, is very silly.

    2. Phony Genius*

      You’ve hit close to one of my pet peeves: when a woman is cheated on, I often hear people blame her. I don’t get it. The linked letter seems to make reference to some of that through sarcasm, but I still don’t understand why people keep blaming the wife/original girlfriend.

      1. What_the_What*

        Well clearly she’s “inadequate” and “not meeting his needs,” so, he’s got no choice, dontcha know?

        /s

  10. Roonil Wazlib*

    #7, it warms my heart that you exist… for all the people who sweatily tell themselves and/or each other “maybe they didn’t notice anything!!” after being caught doing something they aren’t supposed to, there is at least one person that could make that true!

    1. Wolf*

      I’m that kind of person, too. I’ve had people thank me for not participating in gossip, and I hadn’t even been aware that there was anything to gossip about.

  11. online millenial*

    The punchline on #6 took me out the first time I saw it and it got me again here. Outstanding writing on that one.

  12. Really??!?*

    I had a dreadfully stressful 60+hours/week job in my late 30s at a ridiculously toxic place. We had an early 20s warehouse manager who was dating a delightful, objectively pretty, extremely fun and bubbly early 20s analyst in my department. Somehow between our US based office and the UK based home office, the office romance devolved to be between the warehouse manager and ME, not her. I have no idea why. It was not a secret that they were dating and anyone who knew any of us would know that there was no way that I, who mathematically and biologically speaking could have been his mother and logistically speaking was so exhausted I would have taken a nap if I’d had any spare time, would have been a logical choice for him to date. Eventually the CEO cornered me to ask if it was true. I let him know I thought he was absolutely insane for even asking.

  13. Yumi*

    I didn’t get a chance to add mine, but I’m 99% my grand-boss (married/early 40s) is having an affair with his direct report (late 20s). We’re all remote but there is definitely some type of emotional thing going on between them, and the other week she was vacationing nearby to where he lived, and when other people on a large meeting made a comment about how nearby they were to each other, they both acted super shifty. He is a sneaky, very sexist man and she likes to exaggerate the truth, so there is no way this can end well.

    When I first realized it, I felt so yucky, but now I’m just watching this all overfold and hope his bosses catch on. I haven’t talked about it with anyone, but I wonder if others have noticed.

  14. Blue Spoon*

    I think my favorite thing about #6 is that the guy ended up marrying a completely different woman from the ones in the rest of the story

    1. Lana Kane*

      When I finished reading it I actually went back to see if Carol was new to the story or not!

  15. Eigenvogel*

    A version of #2 happened to me, due to the fact that my wife and I met online and she routinely refers to me by an online nickname. When she referred to me by my real name instead in a conversation, a friend thought she had left me for…me.

  16. evens*

    I don’t really understand why people being so cruel is funny to some of you. Some of these stories make me glad not to work with anyone at the company — cheaters and “pranksters” alike.

    1. Forrest Rhodes*

      I do understand your concern, but it does seem like many of these stories fall into the Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes category.

    2. Lenora Rose*

      Once one is discussing people cheating, any expectation that the stories will be moral and aboveboard is long out the window. That being said, I think this leads to justifying anything unpleasant happening to the cheaters because of their cheating as “comeuppance” (which it often is).

      I often feel rather badly for the people being cheated on, though — and in several of these stories those don’t get better endings either (8 & 10 in particular just lead to people with resentful feelings towards one another. Contrast to 6 where the cheated-on get together to bring the cheater down.)

    3. Hroethvitnir*

      I think in a lot of cases it’s funny/people feel driven to do ridiculous pranks because it’s innately stressful to be exposed to this sort of thing with very little power to fix it. So we take humour in absurdity.

      There’s definitely a level of secondhand cringe to most of them as well!

    4. Ellis Bell*

      I mean, I’ve been on the receiving end of exactly that form of cruelty and I think it’s funny, though it’s grim humour for sure. I think stupidity is funny and there’re very few things that are more stupid than cheating at work. I also like to see people get their comeuppance. It’s also really heartwarming that although lots of people witnessing cheating at work are powerless to do anything about it, they’re often all rooting for the karma of the situation to pie face the cheaters in the eye, really. But if you like lighter humour where no hearts are broken, then this probably isn’t for you. Totally agree with you about not wanting to work with cheaters, though.

    5. Ex Wife*

      People love messy drama. My husband cheated on me with a direct report for a very long time and a lot of people knew and didn’t tell me. We worked in the same industry at the time. His coworkers all treated it like a funny game, hoping I would find out in an explosive or dramatic way at his work. They tried to bring me in for an interview because they thought it would be hilarious to have his wife come into the office where he was having this open affair. He found out and had them reject me before an in-person interview. I didn’t know that at the time and took it as a sign that I should switch careers. There was a company holiday party where he kept running off to talk to her and I kept finding him and he got really angry. I couldn’t figure out why at the time but his coworkers were having the time of their lives. I found out about all of this long after he left me, I had no idea about any of it. After he left me his coworkers regaled me with all the salacious details. Most people insist I had to have known. His affair partner was eventually fired and everyone delighted in his over the top reaction. He quit several months later. He is now a senior manager at a new firm mentoring many women.

  17. Emotional support capybara (he/him)*

    I’ve never gotten a front row seat to cheating drama anywhere I’ve worked… but one time a customer came in to pick up her company’s stuff, mid-speakerphone conversation with a friend, and by the time she paid and left we all knew way more than we ever wanted to know about who was diddling whom behind whose back in that company. Yikes on the entire Tour de France.

  18. Elliot*

    I would love to see a reader roundup of work etiquette/norms that they didn’t know about UNTIL they read about it on Ask a Manager!
    For me, I used to be the birthday celebration/team event/collecting money for baby showers person until I read on AAM how many people HATE that. I have since reined it WAY in! I’m so embarrassed looking back on some of the things I used to do before AAM told me otherwise….

    1. Hlao-roo*

      Not “learned norms from Ask a Manager” specifically, but these past posts are a good read:

      “ask the readers: misconceptions about work when you’re early in your career” from March 16, 2017

      “ask the readers: what past work behavior do you now cringe over?” from October 25, 2018

      “what workplace norms surprised you when you were starting out?” from January 26, 2023

    1. Yams*

      She was dating the guy she was originally married to, or at the very least they were hooking up. I wasn’t super clear on what exactly their relationship was.

  20. Lyn by the River*

    i missed the original post but here is one more for anyone still interested

    A family member “Kelly” works at a prison, a place notorious for coworkers cheating with each other. A few years ago, Kelly and his spouse Pat agreed to have an open marriage. Kelly proceeded to sleep with quite a few coworkers as part of their new arrangement. A few months later while attending a holiday party with coworkers, Pat got drunk and started naming all the people at the party her husband had slept with — I think she really enjoyed causing a stir and outing people. The evening ended with Kelly and Pat having a screaming match in the middle of the street.

    But that’s not all. This happened in a small town and a couple of weeks later Kelly’s mom went to her therapy appointment. The therapist decided to share a bit of the town gossip as a humorous way to start their session and Kelly’s mom had to explain that he was talking about her son and maybe he shouldn’t be sharing gossip like that as a therapist.

    Kelly and Pat (thankfully) have divorced. Kelly’s mom stopped seeing the therapist, who was terrible for many other reasins

  22. Theon, Theon, it rhymes with neon*

    Gross story from a previous company I worked at:

    I only heard about this from my manager (Marvin), but he was pretty reliable, so I believe it: one of the directors he worked with, who was married with kids, was upset that he had a director title but no one reported to him. We’ll call him Fergus. The reason Fergus had no reports was because he was awful and no one wanted to put him in charge of a team, but for some reason, no one was willing to get rid of him either. So management threw Fergus a bone by allowing him to hire for one role, and because it was a political hire, they didn’t really care if work got done or not. So a data analyst role reporting to Fergus was created. Sofia, the first woman of an Eastern European ethnicity to apply, was hired immediately, without evaluating her skills or even bothering with a second round interview, because Fergus was known to have a thing for Eastern European women.

    I never witnessed this, because I was in a different office, but apparently on days when Fergus wasn’t going to be in the office that Sofia worked in, Marvin would always see Sofia in sweatpants with messy hair, looking like she had just rolled out of bed. On days when Fergus was going to be in the office, Sofia would be there in high heels, short skirts, makeup, and a hairdo. Marvin said he kept having to avert his eyes, because the short skirt + high heel combination wasn’t leading places it shouldn’t at work.

    I’m sure something non-consensual or at best of dubious consent was going on there, and I feel sorry for Sofia. But my knowledge of all this came about because of this conversation:

    Me: Why do I have to keep pulling reports for a data analyst who can’t use them? I had to explain to Sofia how percentages work. This is the most incompetent person I’ve ever worked with, and that’s saying a lot!

    My boss: I had to stand over her shoulder and walk her through the process of checking her spam folder, because she couldn’t figure it out. Let me tell you more about Sofia and what her real job is.

    Me: …Oh, dear.

    That was many years ago. I hope she’s okay.

      1. Theon, Theon, it rhymes with neon*

        Yeah, the cheating is not the worst part in this story. (I assume it was cheating; nothing about Fergus says “respectful open marriage” to me, not this and not what Marvin told me about Fergus’s so-called business travel to countries best known for their ease of access to what Marvin called “paid horizontal arrangements.”)

        I like your username, btw!

    2. Evan88*

      I don’t get the assumption that something non consensual was going on. Did I miss something?

      1. Theon, Theon, it rhymes with neon*

        The huge power imbalance makes it sketchy to begin with. Then the fact that she applied for a job, was hired based solely on her attractiveness to the hiring manager, and found out that her real job was to be sexually attractive to her boss, and she didn’t also have the skills for her job title and would have been fired based on any neutral performance evaluation…probably she had some serious economic incentives to consent to things whether or not she wanted them. That’s why I said “dubious consent” at best.

      2. Theon, Theon, it rhymes with neon*

        I mean, maybe after she was hired to be sexually attractive to her middle-aged boss, she discovered she was reciprocally attracted to him! Or maybe he had a lot of money and she decided she was cool with this arrangement. But it’s not the first thing that comes to mind.

  23. Mrs. Hawiggins*

    #9 was a whole movie in my head complete with polyester suits, Winnebagos, and pooka shell necklaces. I had it set in the 70’s but it still works.

    1. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      I think you got everything right except the necklace – I was picturing a gold chain with a zodiac medallion around his neck.

    2. Stella70*

      I wrote that post:
      May I complete the picture for you? Cowboy boots – always – the kind where the tip by the toes curls up, so the wearer looks like a Western elf. Polyester pants with just the slightest hint of a bell at the bottom, enough so that they kind of “swished” when he walked. Polyester shirt, always a solid color, no prints. Yes, thick gold chain, but so short, it was almost a choker (longer necklace = more gold = more expense, I believe). To top off the look, some sort of substance in his hair that wasn’t oil, gel, mousse, or pomade, which made all the strands immobile and gave the impression – from a distance – of an old thrift store hat.

      3. Quill*

        Oh, a plastic haired sleaze, I know the names of zero actors but have already cast him as a man who has tanned and smoked himself into jerky.

  24. Steve*

    One of the perks of being an event producer and needing to stay relatively sober during events, is that drunk people will often voluntarily reveal the most scandalous things. All I have to do is listen and smile and all sorts of things will tumble out. There was one notorious holiday party at an old job where a colleague voluntarily rifled off the most scandalous things about leadership and in relatively short order, as if they’d been just waiting to find a moment to spill. It was like that Friends episode where all the secrets come out in 30 seconds. ;)

  26. motherofdragons*

    Is #6 Henry freaking Cavill because how else would someone even remotely get away with this level of shenanigans

  27. Nusuth*

    Omg, this jogged my memory of a cheating story I totally forgot applied. It was not at my workplace but is workplace related.

    I moved into a new apartment in a new city with Jen and a few other roommates, all of whom worked in different roles/companies within the same tight knit industry (think, like, film industry in LA – some worked for agents, some worked for the studios, etc but all the same network). When I moved in, Jen was “dating” Ben, her coworker at a network, who had started dating her after his ex Mia (an actor’s assistant) moved away and who was a red flag factory – wanted them to “keep it quiet” at work because he’s so “private,” hadn’t made it official with her after almost a year, was generally rude. My opinion was: shitty guy but not really my business, UNTIL: our other roommate was at her work at a major agency and notices a coworker scrolling through Ben’s instagram. How do you know Ben, my roommate says?

    Oh, he’s my friend Mia’s BOYFRIEND.

    Turns out, Ben and Mia never broke up and had been in a long distance relationship for the entirety of his relationship with Jen. Obviously, in hindsight, he wanted Jen to “keep it quiet” because other coworkers maybe knew about Mia. The most astonishing tidbit about this whole thing: after Mia and Ben had ostensibly broken up, Ben managed to take both Jen and Mia to a MAJOR, formal, party-like industry event – literally think like, the Emmys. Jen had a ticket through work and Ben managed to invite Mia as an industry contact or something. He told both of them that he wanted to be discreet because it was a work event but that he wanted them to be his “secret date.” The audacity!

    Of course, as these things go, Jen broke up with Ben but got sucked in a little while later, only to find out that in the second iteration of their relationship, Ben cheated on Jen with Mia, rather than the other way around. How novel. Ben eventually literally collapsed under the weight of living a lie and confessed and took a leave of absence. Jen has really excelled in her career and has been promoted over Ben several times, although Ben did try to tell some entry level people on her team that she had “gone totally crazy on him.” Last I heard, Mia had moved back to LA and was back together with Ben! Poor girl.

    1. 1LFTW*

      Not another sitcom plot where a character brings two dates to the Big Important Event, I said. Nobody would *ever* be dumb enough to try that in real life, I said. Totally unrealistic, I said.

      You, fellow internet user, have made a liar of me.

  29. Not very demure*

    Oooh…company wide emails from jilted partners…
    Many years ago, I worked at a semiconductor company in North Dallas. We had a bit of a situation there, and it resulted in a company-wide email. I joined after this happened, but the situation and the email were the stuff of legend.
    There was a guy who, along with his wife, taught ballroom dance classes. He and his wife used these classes to pick up women, at least one of which was married. To his credit, he kept this quiet at work…until a heart-broken husband tracked down his workplace and sent a company-wide email detailing the entire story. Maybe he also showed up in person, I don’t remember. It’s been years, and it was before my time.
    He was moved to a different branch, where he was rumored to be up to his same tricks.

  30. PhyllisB*

    I think I shared this story several years ago, but here goes. I used to be a long distance operator and at this time (late 70’s) we still had cordboards. If you’ve ever been to a hospital and seen the switchboard operator working a PBX board you know what I’m talking about. We sat at a long switchboard with every section repeating every third seat.
    Well, I answered a customer making a person to person collect call. *John Smith to *Mary Brown. The problem is John Smiths wife was also an operator and was sitting a couple of positions away from me. She heard me announce the call and swirled around asking what trunk (connection) it was on. I didn’t want to tell her because customer privacy and all that, but she managed to figure it out by looking at. my board. She plugged in and told him to pack his… stuff and be gone when she got home.
    Not surprisingly, they divorced shortly after, and it was months before she would speak to me again. it was extremely awkward.

    1. Lenora Rose*

      This is one of those things I don’t get; why would she not speak to you? It’s not your fault in any way. I mean, I could understand feeling awkward at first but not to the degree of the silent treatment.

      1. PhyllisB*

        It’s the shoot the messenger. mentality. I didn’t TELL her that her husband was playing around, but the fact that I placed the call for him and was there when the rest of it played out was embarrassing for her.
        I just let it go (and never mentioned it to anyone at work though several people overhead.) Come to think of it, I never told anyone until I shared it here.

  31. AmoretteA*

    Friend was a good Catholic. Altar boy and all that. He saw the priest who was the principal of the Catholic school he attended go into a broom closet. A moment later, a sister who taught at the school went into the same broom closet. He assumed, priest and sister in closet, must be discussing brooms, so he opened the door to get a broom. As he put it, he could do anything he wanted to rest of his years at the school and not worry about getting in trouble. Several years later, however, first the priest left, then the sister, then they sent wedding invitations back to all their friends. Time were a’changin’

  37. Art of the Spiel*

    I have two co-workers who were the antithesis of this. Large company, small office with two departments that worked closely together; most had been there for 5+ years, some as long as 25.

    One day they’re having lunch and people start talking about their plans for the weekend.

    Co-worker #1: Oh, I’m going to a wedding.
    Co-worker #2: I’m going to a wedding, too! In fact, Co-worker #1 and I are going to the same one.
    Others: Really? Whose wedding is it?
    Co-worker #1 and #2: Ours. We’re getting married; to each other.

    Pandemonium! They had been dating for 3 years!

    1. The Rise and Fall of Sanctuary Moon*

      Yes! I love this! Keeping things low-key AND then disclosing with swagger! So few people can do both.

  38. Kitty Cat Career*

    Oh, younger, single me would love to have the audacity and brilliance of #10.

    Play on, playa!

  39. MichelleMaBelle*

    In a project review meeting with executives, our developers were complaining about lack of responsiveness from a supplier. The COO says, are you asking me to officially escalate or should I just vent over breakfast? Until then I didn’t realize they were married to the CEO of that supplier :D not a scandal – was all aboveboard and in the open – just funny.

  40. Greg*

    Years ago I worked for a startup with a very attractive saleswoman named Maya. She started dating Ben, who worked on the tech team. Eventually, Maya had an opportunity to transfer from our East Coast HQ to our company’s sales office on the West Coast. Ben wanted to move with her, but because that office didn’t have tech, he was forced to quit his job.

    Fast forward to a few months later, when my coworker tells me that Maya had moved back to our city. Turned out she had been cheating on Ben the entire time with a guy back on the East Coast, and had moved back to be with him. Up until that point, I had liked both Maya and Ben, but I couldn’t believe she would allow him to quit his job and move cross country, all the while knowing she was being unfaithful. Why not just break up with him before he made all those life changes?

    I never saw Ben again (I think he stayed out west), but years later Michelle was hired by a different company I was also working for. She was in a completely different department, so I only saw her once or twice at office Christmas parties, but I kept my distance. I had lost so much respect for her after what she did to poor Ben.

  41. PhyllisB*

    I hope this one isn’t too late I wasn’t really sure if I should share this.
    Two members of our church music team were having an affair. Her husband was our associate pastor. When he found out, he revealed it to the whole congregation. (We were out of town that weekend and missed the drama.)
    Both couples left the church and divorces happened. About a year later, the affair partners ended up marrying each other, but that’s not all. About six months after the affair partners married, the two cheated upon spouses got together and THEY ended up marrying. It was like a soap opera.

  43. Reluctant Mezzo*

    Once upon a time there was a policeman. He had a wife, who became his former wife (the wife was an extremely popular waitress, but this isn’t actually about her). Apparently, the policeman decided to entertain his latest conquest in the back of a police car. A sharp-eyed citizen with a head full of mischief noticed this (they were parked out where they thought no one lived. Ha, I say). The aforementioned citizen quickly walked up to the open back door and quickly closed it.

    You can’t get out or to the front seat from the back of a police car…

    1. New Jack Karyn*

      I mean, I hope the cop had his radio with him, so they weren’t trapped for TOO long. the embarrassment of having to be let out of his own squad car is probably a decent consequence.

  44. Umiel12*

    I’m only pointing this out because I know how upset he gets, but it’s Spider-Man (not Spiderman).

Comments are closed.