the secret goat, the geese vs the CEO, and other stories of animals at work

by Alison Green on August 14, 2024

Last week we talked about animals at work and here are 10 of my favorite stories you shared.

1. The unauthorized dog

I’ve worked my entire career at tech start-ups, which are invariably filled with multiple office dogs. Beyond stories of those dogs peeing under desks, pooping in conference rooms, and even one lone kitten who crawled through a hole into the wall and had to be lured out with some turkey, the wildest story was the day a dog arrived who didn’t belong.

We noticed the new dog running through the office, but just thought it belonged to an employee. The dog got wilder and wilder, jumping on and barking at people, and soon the work chat escalated from “Whose dog is this?” to “Will the owner please come get your dog already!!!”

The receptionist checked that morning’s front door footage to see who arrived with that dog and to our shock, we realized it had arrived alone. It had snuck in after an oblivious coworker, which was impressive because we were many floors up in an elevator building (we would later learn the dog had ridden an elevator with a different coworker who also didn’t say anything because he “thought the dog knew where it was going”).

I ended up catching the dog after it muscled its way into a conference room which unfortunately was hosting an important call with an external party. The dog was later reunited with its owner who worked on a different floor.

2. The ducks

One year, a duck nested in a bush next to the employee entrance of my office. There were signs on the door warning everyone to leave her alone, but she – and her babies, once they hatched – were so quiet, you’d never have known they were there if not for the signs. Then one morning around 8:30, it was time for them to leave and head to a nearby pond. Mama duck and her babies marched across the parking lot while three employees blocked all the traffic and everyone else lined up at the office windows to watch the babies. The head of HR later sent out an email to the whole office announcing the departure of the ducks for anyone who’d missed it. He made sure to include photos of the babies and a shoutout to the people who’d blocked traffic for them.

3. The known individual

A few years ago a cougar wandered down from the mountains and made it across about two miles of suburbia to end up in a wildlife preserve next to our campus. This obviously concerned people who walked around the area, and even though the cougar left, for a while people were on edge about anything that looked like a big cat. One “cougar sighting” turned out to be an old bobcat that lived in the preserve, which led to a police press release saying that he was “an individual known to police and not dangerous,” as if he were a drunk they’d had to rouse out of the gutter or something.

4. The peacock

A friend of mine worked front of house at a huge winery that hosted concerts and events throughout the year, including a classic car show. This winery also has resident peacocks that freely roam the grounds. At this particular car show, a peacock wandered by a car that had loads of shiny chrome all over it. The bird saw his own reflection in the bumper and immediately went into attack mode, trying like hell to get at that other damn peacock — and like most male birds, he had beak and claws going for him and caused several thousands of dollars worth of damage to the paint job and the shiny metal bits of the car.

5. The iguana

I once stopped at a vendor stall at our local farmers market. The money was handled by what looked to be maybe an 11-12 year old girl, and the cash box was guarded by a large iguana parked on top. When she needed to make change, she’d remove the iguana, make the change, and then put it back. Makes sense to me – I’m not messing with an iguana.

6. The geese vs. the CEO

We had a pair of Canadian geese nesting in the landscaping right up against our building. Canadian geese aren’t known for their social skills at the best of times, but when they’re nesting it becomes Jurassic Park but with honking and feathers. They chased everyone who came in the front entrance, which happened to be closest to their nest. We had signs for people to go around to the side entrance so they didn’t get a goose bite, which was likely because Papa Goose would stand guard right on the steps, hissing and honking at you.

Our CEO was annoyed that grounds wouldn’t get rid of the geese and went to great lengths to try to get them to leave on their own including installing fake owls around the top of the building himself to scare them off; he went up on the roof in a suit. It was awesome. He tried clapping at them, chasing them with a broom. They chased him right back and cornered him at his car. After a lot of swearing and hissing, he got into his car and left. The geese were allowed to stay.

7. The seals

I work at a marina. We have guest moorage, which is basically a campground for boats. We built a new breakwater dock, which is attached to land at one side, so there’s only one way on or off. There’s a small floating office moored about halfway down.

We didn’t anticipate that the seals would love this dock so much. We were in the middle of pupping season and there are extremely strict laws regarding approaching or interacting with seals, and even stricter ones about their pups. Well, our employee was out working in the office and a seal decided to give birth on the dock right outside the door. She was trapped in the office both because she didn’t want to break the law and she also didn’t want to get bit (those things get big!). She finally had to call our maintenance department and have them bring the little boat over so she could climb out the office window onto the boat so she could go home.

8. The cat

I had an internship at a CPA firm about three hours from where my husband and I were based, so my husband stayed in our apartment and I rented a room near the firm. During my second week there, my young and otherwise healthy cat needed emergency surgery and sadly didn’t survive. This was my first experience with pet loss and let me tell you I was A MESS. When it all went down I needed to rush home in the middle of a work day and not come back for several days, and then I cried in the office several times. Everyone was understanding but I was so worried I was giving them the wrong impression.

The rest of my five-month-long internship went smoothly. My very last client had an office cat who was there to be a mouser. This cat spent every day snuggled up next to my laptop and I loved him. Right before the engagement ended, I got wind that they were about the take the cat back to the shelter because they’d realized he should live in a home but were unable to find one for him. I think you know that I took the cat.

At the end of my internship they offered me a full-time position. The partner said I’d done a great job and added, “You made the firm look really good by adopting that cat.” Nine years later I’m no longer with that firm but I still have the cat. His name is Siren.

9. The goat

An adult goat joined us once for entire day. We worked in a professional environment (read: not business-casual, just business), with a humorless director and a lot of phone calls from the public. The goat’s human dad lived a long commute from the office, needed to take the goat to the vet for a checkup after work, and thought it quite reasonable for us to have an “intern” for the day. Given his title, none of us felt empowered to resist.

Some of us loved it (“A goat! Fun!”), some of us hated it (“#$@# GOAT!”), and one woman was terrified because as a child, she was taught horizontal pupils were a sign of evil and she wanted him nowhere near her cube. Goat Dad had a busy day of offsite meetings, so we all tried to keep an eye on our new coworker. It was tough – he laughed at our barricades, tipped over lamps, let out extremely loud bleats (but only when he noticed someone was on the phone), and thought he ascended to heaven when he discovered our staff kitchen. No salad was safe, and he discovered a previously unknown love of Pop-Tarts.

When our director unexpectedly stopped by in the afternoon, we knew the goat was cooked (metaphorically). We not only had to keep him out of sight, but completely silent. Goat Dad had said we could lull him nearly to sleep if we stroked his chin. For the last three hours of the day, we snuck the goat from cube to cube to cube, depending on our director’s movements, and all the goat-sitters had to give up one hand for chin-stroking. Only one bleat was heard, and a quick-thinking coworker popped his head up above his cube and said, “YouTube! Sorry!”

Of course, no good deed goes unpunished, and Goat Dad grumbled the next day that his pet’s farts were unbearable in the car ride home, which definitely were not caused by the broccoli our our receptionist picked out of her salad.

10. The Dean

I was six. The school I went to had no air conditioners and was intolerable when it was above body temperature, so school was canceled for a “hot day.” My mother worked at a very fancy job (a professor) and she had air conditioning. She had to go work and brought me. I got to be all grown up and be mum’s little helper and run messages/errands around my mum’s floor while my mother was frantic with end-of-school-year things.

My most important quest yet — I’m supposed to get a signature from her boss. I thought his name was Dean, and he was so important, he was “The Dean” (I’d never met any Dean). So I go into The Dean’s office, and there is a pug sitting on the chair behind the desk. I knew that dogs could work and had important jobs, ceremonial and otherwise. I thought that only working dogs were allowed at work. I am so pissed that my mother never told me her boss was a dog, but she’s really busy right now.

I try for a minute to very respectfully ask for a signature on paper from this dog, who just sits and yawns. Luckily, I had just helped out at a wedding recently, and with everyone who was too young to write their name, they put their finger or foot on an ink stamp to sign the guest book. I knew how to help with that. So I found an ink pad, and lo and behold the dog had one black paw and three pink paws — so the black one went into the ink, and onto the lines, and the document is signed. It goes into the pile, I remember to wipe the paw down, and I move on to the next thing.

Maybe a month later, my mother and I are at a barbecue with “Chris Potter,” a family friend, who has brought his dog (and I recognize Chris Potter’s dog is The Dean!). I joyfully explain to my cousins (some older than me) that this dog is my mum’s boss. Chris Potter relates a story to the adults about how some poor student’s important paperwork (post-doc appointment form) had been walked over by a dog so his signature wasn’t visible, and he had been called by the money people (grant holder’s department accountant) over normally un-interruptable three-week summer vacation, to confirm that he did approve of important mum-work things (research funding allocation).

One of my cousins was annoyed I was lying about my mum’s boss being a dog and went to tell on me to the adults. My mum asked why I thought that, and all the adults started laughing. I was gently told that the dean is a title (more important than Dr!), and the dog was not the dean. Julie, the dog, did get a wonderful embroidered collar that Christmas that said “the boss” on it, and the next time I visited for a heat day, everyone with a pet in their office had put a sign up warning of their existence. This was the best since with a bit of work, I got to pet every dog.

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{ 283 comments }

{ 283 comments… read them below }

  1. Rose*

    Oh that final story (the Dean) is the best thing ever!! Don’t get me wrong, all the stories are amazing. But that one is my favourite by far. Cute animal+ child logic= unbeatable combination!!!

    4. Silver Robin*

      Everything was so perfectly logical! There are, indeed, working dogs! The dog was on the chair at the correct desk! The dog clearly had an “ink print paw” that was used for important signatures! Kiddo did everything right.

        1. I've Escaped Cubicle Land*

          Fieldpoppy,
          I laughed so hard that my own dogs came in the home office to see what was going on.

    6. Goldenrod*

      I am now feeling angry and indignant that in the adult world, it is not possible for a dog to be someone’s boss, signing papers with his paw print.

      Boooo! Adult world is lame!

      1. Nonanon*

        I routinely refer to my pug as my supervisor.

        My human supervisor does not care, and in fact appreciates her contributions to the team (keeping morale up via adorable photos).

        1. CommanderBanana*

          Our dog is nicknamed The Snoopervisor. Getting a snack? Going to the bathroom? She will be accompanying you to snoopervise.

        2. ShanShan*

          That reminds me of when Socrates said his baby was the most powerful person in Athens, because Socrates told Athens what to do, his wife told him what to do, and the baby told his wife what to do.

          You have to respect the chain of command.

    7. MacnCheese*

      My dad is a lawyer who had an associate with a small child. The small child accompanied the associate to the office one weekend day, and upon leaving the bathroom said “Wow mom, your boss must be really important to have his name written on all the toilet paper holders” [Scott]

    8. catlady*

      I really hope that the child got major props from both human Dean and the mom for being such a resourceful problem-solver by finding the ink pad, AND cleaning up afterward! How many six year olds go on side quests this unobtrusively??

    9. goddessoftransitory*

      That one and The Goat are two of my all time favorites! The impeccable logic of it all!

    10. Chick-n-Boots*

      And the storytelling! Just *chef’s kiss*. This now ranks as one of my favorite stories ever shared on AAM – and that’s saying something!

      1. Sibilant Susurrus*

        Perhaps Alison could put out a call for us to nominate our favourite storytelling posts, like The Dean here, the interview with flung condoms etc.

        1. TeaCoziesRUs*

          YES!!

          Not sure how the data pull would work, but also maybe a Top Ten of the most referenced stories by link? (I.E. when one of us references an archived story and then links to it)

    11. Packaged Frozen Lemon Zest*

      When I was young my mom was a university professor, and I also believed that she had a co-worker named Dean who was alternately super important and super frustrating.

      1. Middle Aged Lady*

        At my university there was an administrative assistant named Dean and co-workers sometimes used her to get tasks done that were being ignored or pushed back. Windows not shutting properly in your office? Ask her to call maintenance and say ‘Hi, this is Dean Smith and we have an issue with the windows in our building.” Worked like a charm, and she wasn’t lying.

        2. AF Vet*

          You get the same result in the military if you are a Captain (0‐3) in the Army, Air Force, or Marines and you call a Navy base for any reason. Why? They have the same rank NAME… it’s just 3 promotions higher (O-6). They captain the ships, after all. :D

      2. Vio*

        Watching American TV led me to a lot of confusion as a child. Not only did I assume that Dean was a name (it never occurred to me how odd it was that all schools on TV had somebody named Dean) but I also wondered who the Hampton family were and why visiting them seemed a big deal and who Martha was and why everyone wanted to go to her vineyard.

    13. SirHumphreyAppleby*

      LW 10 was the best!!
      I love the image of the dog yawning at being asked to sign paperwork.

      1. RLC*

        I’m picturing Frank The Pug from the Men in Black movie, wearing a suit and sitting in a big swivel chair behind a very large and imposing desk.

    15. AGD*

      I work in academia and this story just absolutely made my day. Of course a six-year-old would take it in stride when the boss turned out to be a dog.

    17. Paint N Drip*

      Pissed that mom didn’t tell me her boss is a dog is AMAZING and such quintessential child thinking

    18. Minnie*

      I need this story to enter this site’s ongoing lore the way “cheap ass rolls” did but I don’t know what the reference would be lol

      1. sbc*

        Maybe “mom’s boss is a dog” could be shorthand for a misperception that, given the facts and the person perceiving it, seemed perfectly reasonable at the time…but in hindsight is absolutely bonkers.

    19. Chili*

      And the LW sounded so careful to pick the paw that had “clearly” already been used to stamp things and then wipe it down after. I loved every bit of that store.

  2. Chicago Anon*

    I would rather have a dog than most of the deans I’ve worked with. A cat would be the most desirable, of course, but a dog would still be an improvement.

    2. Brunelleschi*

      Obviously that dog wasn’t a real dean. (They were in their office and the kid got the signature on the first try.)

      1. Quill*

        Arguably the best dean, as they’ve never cut funding to any department in order to give preferential treatment to a vanity project.

        2. LinuxSystemsGuy*

          I don’t know. Does the e head off vanity project have treats? People with treats generally have better ideas than people with treats.

      3. noncommittally anonymous*

        My kingdom for a like button! OMG, I just cackled so loud I’m surprised my actual Dean didn’t hear it.

    4. Pennycress*

      +1 on this. I’ve worked for 8 Dean’s so far and I’d take a Dog’s intuitive operational MO over most of the human Deans. Internal and external stakeholders alike would probably agree!

  3. Juicebox Hero*

    Oh, man, the Doggie Dean was the story I needed today. I miss the days where it used to make perfect sense to assume that, there’s a dog in the boss’ office, and no human, therefore the dog is the boss.

    2. Blarg*

      This is what did me in:

      I am so pissed that my mother never told me her boss was a dog, but she’s really busy right now.

      2. Paint N Drip*

        +10
        I can totally see myself as this kid, just totally miffed that mom left out these very important details but I will wait to discuss it

    1. goddessoftransitory*

      It’s Stella70, who is a legendary storyteller ’round these parts! Her Christmas tale is an epic for the ages.

      1. Sharpie*

        Was that the one where her date took her to the work Christmas party and ended up playing the piano at her while his colleagues gave her their drinks tickets? Because that one is indeed a story for the ages!

        1. Not A Manager*

          I think it’s the one where she volunteered to host the annual Christmas party at her home, and hilarity ensued.

      1. London Calling*

        It is. We now have a Ted Lasso merchandise shop. That’ll bring some much needed footfall.

  10. Kay*

    I work at a nature center, where a goat would be unusual but very welcome. I was laughing so hard at the goat wrangling! My coworkers and I would probably just get a rope for a leash and let it mow the lawns. Question for everyone: if this was your workplace, would you be able to handle it?

    2. hereforthecomments*

      I would be first to volunteer for goat chin scratching duty. I would also stop traffic for ducks and take the office cat home too! Love all of these so much.

    3. Juicebox Hero*

      I’m fine with goats, I knit and crochet and always make a point of visiting the goat pens at fiber festivals.

      But I’d be beyond pissed at the goat owner who brought it in for everyone else to babysit while he was out of the office most of the day, because no one wouldn’t be getting anything accomplished while they’re playing Hide the Goat from the Boss and feeding it fartmaking vegetables.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        The broccoli was, I have to say, the best revenge. But yeah–don’t shove goatsitting duties onto other employees.

    4. Buffy will save us*

      It would be impressive if someone was able to smuggle a goat into a maximum security psych hospital with security cameras but I’m going to go with no.

        1. Chad_Chad*

          ….or alternatively, hordes of patients signing themselves up for a longer committment because they’re seeing goats!

    5. Rainy*

      I grew up on a goat farm, so yes. Although I would immediate find some cord or rope and tie that goat a halter and lead rope, because trying to shoo a goat without both bribery and some kind of handle is absolute madness and doomed to failure.

    6. LinuxSystemsGuy*

      Could *I* handle it? Absolutely. Could the large New England Hospital I work for handle it? I’m thinking there are legal, ethical, and possibly scientific hurdles involved.

    7. Lonely Aussie*

      I work in a rural animal shelter so goats are pretty standard, we’d be fine. My boss had a couple of bottle lambs in her office for a few weeks which was pretty fun, even if the cleaning up after them was not.

    8. But No Goats*

      I love animals, so I absolutely would have signed up for goat duty. However, I also would have acknowledged that it was unprofessional and irresponsible to bring the goat to the office.

      Thankfully, I work at a preschool instead of a white collar office building, and have a lizard in the classroom and hatch chicks every year in my office.

    9. fallingleavesofnovember*

      My question is…wouldn’t it have been pooping all over the office all day? LW never mentions this! I assume it’s not like a dog that is trained to only go outside and can usually communicate its needs…

    10. Paint N Drip*

      Uhh the community garden near the office would be looking a little bare and I think I’d really be pushing the limits of our pet-friendly building.. but in a pinch it could work!

    1. London Calling*

      My mother used to tell me that where she was evacuated during WW2 there was a goose called Big Cheep who terrorised all the children. One day it came at them hissing a flapping and her brother grabbed it around the next and walked it round and round in a circle until it was dizzy.

      Loads of Canada geese where I live – they flock together and are big blighters.

    2. Juicebox Hero*

      There’s a reason why geese have been used as guard animals since Roman times. Even domestic geese are still cobra chickens deep down. I know someone who keeps free-range chickens and she has geese, too, because no fox or coyote is going to eff with a gaggle of hissing, honking, flapping, biting throw pillows.

      1. London Calling*

        I think they were either on a farm or down the road from one, and the geese were kept as guarddogs against foxes and/or food. Either way, this goose made a deep impression on dear mum that she recalled it years later.

      2. Hannah Lee*

        The strategic use of geese to protect chickens reminds me of a story I heard about seabirds.

        Some wildlife biologists scientists were trying to restore puffins (which are the most adorable little clown birds ever!) to an island they used to nest on. Year after year, they’d gather some baby puffins from another island, and hand raise them on their island, in the hopes when they were grown they’d return to have pufflings of their own. They finally figured out that puffins like to gather together with other puffins, and they could coax them to land there with wooden puffin decoys and recordings of puffin ‘songs – Success!

        Except the puffins wouldn’t stick around, they’d abandon their nests pretty quickly, because other birds bigger birds like gulls and falcons kept showing up and spooking them.

        And they figured out if they could attract terns to nest on the same island, the raucous, fast, willing to pick a fight terns would scare off any predators.* Score!

        The island now bustles with hundreds of families of puffin and terns, plus some other cool stuff too, every summer.

        https://ocean.si.edu/ocean-life/seabirds/how-puffin-returned-eastern-egg-rock

        (the researchers out there all summer also do their part)

        1. mymotherwasahamster*

          OK that is a very cool story, good on the wildlife biologists, nature is truly interconnected, etc. Phenomenal.

          But… pufflings?!!!?

          You’ve capped my time on this site for the day. It CANNOT get any better than PUFFLINGS.

      3. allathian*

        Oh yes. Brings me back to my childhood, too. My aunt kept free-range chickens and she also had a few geese to guard the chickens. They were kept in a coop at night but were allowed to roam during the day. They also had two dogs, an enormous Afghan and a tiny Dachshund. Both of them liked to chase the chickens, but they left the geese alone. The free-ranging birds would lay their eggs wherever, and my cousin, who’s 5 years younger than I am, thought nothing of collecting their eggs wherever she found them when she was 7.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      Those things have NO FEAR. Between them, turkeys and peacocks, it’s a trifecta of Bad Bird-Assery.

      1. WheresMyPen*

        I did my masters in a village that had resident peacocks. The number of times they’d scare the crap out of me by hanging out on a high wall or appearing suddenly and cornering me has made me wary of them for life!

    4. Ann Onymous*

      I actually read a news article awhile back about a prison in Brazil that had replaced their guard dogs with geese because the geese were cheaper and more effective.

    5. DJ Abbott*

      We have geese where I live, near the bodies of water. One time a goose yelled at me because I walked around it without saying “excuse me”when it was standing in the path.
      I apologized, and it said “humph” and turned away from me. :) I don’t know if it was Canadian.

    6. MsSolo (UK)*

      I used to work at a museum which was near a river, with a road in between. The geese would nest outside the front of the museum (a real pain when you were opening or closing!). When it was time to go down to the river they’d lead all the goslings to the pedestrian crossing and wait patiently for someone to press the button, then cross the road, and the same again in the evenings to get back to the nests. Smart animals!

      (I also once saw one steal baby food straight off the spoon of a mum trying to feed her baby, which fascinated the baby)

    7. Trillian*

      I think it was on Reddit that I saw the hypothesis that Canada geese are nice, polite, they’ll-apologise-if-you-step-on-their-toes Canada’s Id (as in Freudian Id). It seemed entirely plausible.

  12. UnCivilServant*

    No, I definately would not. I know myself well enough to know that kind of disruption and I do not get along.

  13. Kendall^sq*

    #4 was extra fun for me because I read _A Peacock on the Lawn_ (Anna Hadfield, pub. 1965) as a kid. It’s about a couple who buy an old English house, and end up with a variety of peacocks. One of them really can’t handle seeing his own reflection, because it leads to dominance games with that reflective male. Interestingly, she noted that the peacock in question didn’t like the reflections in cars, but *really* didn’t like the reflections in black cars.

    1. Juicebox Hero*

      People are always impressed by a peacock’s beauty and majesty, but that outspread tail means one thing: “I’M HORNY!!!” Anyone/thing trying to get between him and a peahen is in for a world of hurt. Like roosters, they’ve got beaks, claws, and spurs and plenty of muscle.

      Same thing for a gobbler with his feathers fluffed and his tail spread in the traditional Thanksgiving pose. If you’re not a turkey hen, watch out.

      1. Kendall^sq*

        There are a lot of turkeys local to me (this is a couple of decades new, which still feels pretty new-ish. In other news, I am an old.), and one of the males was walking down the middle of a two lane street (going the correct direction of the one-way street, to be fair), opening and closing his tail feathers. It was an impressive display, and fascinatingly close to the sound of a hand fan opening and closing repeatedly.

          1. Georgia Carolyn Mason*

            There’s a hilarious Robin Williams (RIP) routine where he talks about boy birds prancing around with their pretty feathers going “Check it out, check it out I’m incredible check it out” and the girl birds are like “maybe.” It’s much funnier when he says it (yes, it would almost have to be).

  14. ThursdaysGeek*

    Re #4 – I once parked my new Saturn at Maryhill Museum in Washington State, which had several roaming peacocks. I enjoyed the museum, but when I came out, I saw one of the larger male peacocks slam his beak into the side of my car, shake his head a bit, see his reflection again, slam his beak into the side of my car, shake his head… It looked like he’d been doing that for the entire time I’d been in the museum.

    Saturns have plastic side panels, and when I got home and washed off all the scratch marks, it turns out they all washed completely out – a couple of hours of a peacock attacking my new car, and it didn’t harm it at all!

    Also, I love the story about the Dean. It all makes perfect sense!

    1. Always Tired*

      Oh man, I LOVE the Maryhill. Such a strange little place. I now go every time I visit Portland. There are several housing developments near me that have peacocks for the *~*ambiance*~* and I don’t think I could stand the smell, the noise, and the damage to reflective surfaces. They are just brightly colored, more aggro turkeys in my experience, and just as stupid.

  15. Juicebox Hero*

    #6 (Canada geese vs. CEO) takes me back to my college days. The campus was across the street from an assisted living center with a manmade pond. It had a fountain so it never froze over. The damn cobra chickens loved that pond and a pretty big flock lived there year round.

    The college campus was spread out and had lots of open grassy areas, which is prime grazing for a goose. The geese owned the campus. There was slippery, stinky, nasty goose poop everywhere. During our freshman orientation, we were warned about the geese. We were to avoid the geese. We were not to feed, pet, or hunt (wait, what?) the geese. If one saw goslings, one was to run like the wind in the opposite direction because Mommy and Daddy Goose were no doubt nearby with hate in their hearts and murder in their minds. “Because geese” was an acceptable excuse for being late to a class.

    The squirrels were pretty ornery, too. The campus has big stands of majestic old oak and pine, so they were well fed and full of energy, and ready to guard their nut stashes from those meddlesome humans.

    1. Lurkers R Us*

      The university where my daughter went has wooded areas throughout campus. After a spate of deer attacks in the mid Aughts, the university purchased signs warning about aggressive deer and placed them along walkways in the more wooded areas of campus.

      She used to see deer grazing outside her dorm while she was eating breakfast.

      2. Sharpie*

        If you ever visit Knole Park in Kent, watch out for the deer. We were visiting when my kid sister was about six and one pinched the last couple of bites of her ice cream con right out of her hand.

      3. Montanan*

        The University of Montana has frequent bear incursions on campus. But, you know, it’s Montana, so at some point everyone just has to learn to deal. I love the campus security announcements, which are perfectly professional but somehow seem to become increasingly tired and blasé over the course of the academic year. Definite vibe of “there’s another bear. It’s near the library. Don’t, y’know, bother it or anything.”

        1. Zephy*

          We had a bear once! Central Florida does have bears – my sister-in-law lives in Orlando and had a bear in her backyard recently – but only one time did a little black bear happen to wander onto my college campus. It ran up a tree and hung out there for a few hours until Public Safety managed to shoo it away.

    2. Zephy*

      The college I went to had some bold squirrels that had been introduced to the glory of Bagels. If you ever saw someone eating outside you knew they were a freshman or tourist. No bagel, nor cookie, nor apple, nor even one time a pizza crust, was safe.

      We also had a sizable population of some kind of moth – I looked it up once and promptly forgot. But every spring, for a few weeks, the campus would be just *overrun* with caterpillars the size of matchsticks – so not huge, but not tiny, certainly big enough to freak out a Not A Bugs Person, though they are thankfully harmless. They’d take over the aforementioned outside tables, porches on the dormitories, they’d fall out of trees onto unsuspecting students including yours truly (I was sitting in statistics class and thought I felt a bead of sweat roll down my neck, nope, caterpillar). And then after they chrysalize they turn into these little brown moths, not much to look at. I think I saw one once but it might have been another species, I don’t know. At the time I just felt like if I’m going to be subject to the Caterpocalypse every year, they ought to at least have the decency to turn into a prettier butterfly.

      1. Elitist Semicolon*

        Gypsy moth caterpillars get everywhere and are notorious for dropping out of trees, much to my continual horror. If I had one roll down my neck I’m not sure what would freak me out more: its actual presence on my neck or the knowledge that it had been on me long enough for me to go inside and for class to start.

        The moths themselves have gorgeous antennae, though.

        1. ScruffyInternHerder*

          Where I live, these are in the category of “destroy on sight” and its not the caterpillar, the silks, or the moths specific, its all of them. The amount of deforestation that they can do is epic in a not good way.

      2. Sarah Canovcoke*

        Ugh. I lived in Albuquerque in 78-79. There was the worst moth invastion that Spring. Open the mailbox, hundreds would fly out. They were everywhere. Before bed each night, I’d get the vacuum and go on “moth patrol” in my bedroom, sucking them off the curtains, the walls, etc.. living in dread that I’d miss one and it’d land on my face while I slept. I still have a fear of moths. *Shudder*

    3. Mama Llama*

      The small suburban college at which I was a commuter student had a pond that was home to geese directly between the entrance and exit roads. You had to allow extra time in your commute because if the geese were crossing the road, you sat there patiently until they finished crossing – and they took their sweet time in doing so.

    1. Juicebox Hero*

      When I read that present-day birds are considered to be dinosaurs, I thought of T Rex and velociraptors and thought no way. Then robins built a nest in my backyard shrubs and tried to bump me off every time I went outside, and I believed it.

      1. Ally McBeal*

        My area has a lot of red-winged blackbirds, which are notorious for dive-bombing people for no apparent reason. According to my local subreddit, this year was particularly bad for them. I’m also pretty terrified of geese but my mom isn’t and it gave me so much anxiety on our walks when she visited recently (fortunately the goslings are teenagers now so the parents aren’t quite as aggressive as they used to be).

        1. Jackalope*

          My university had several crows who would dive bomb anyone who came near their nests, by which the crows meant walking under an 8 story high tree with the nest in the very top where there was no way we could reach it at all. It made springtime a dangerous time to walk about campus. And of course no one wanted to mess with crows because it would mean calling down a multigenerational blood feud upon their heads, and they’d probably need to get plastic surgery and move to another continent to be safe from the crows in the future.

      2. Chirpy*

        That news just made me wonder if T. Rex was actually basically a giant goose with teeth, and I don’t think that’s any less terrifying…

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        We had a male robin in the trees behind our apartment this year that was taking no shit, not from any one or any bird. Husband saw him flat out chasing a large crow away from “his” territory, beak open and ready to rumble.

        1. Industry Behemoth*

          I initially misread “large crow” as “large cow.”

          My allergies are bad today.

      4. Sarah Canovcoke*

        Every year a bird (I mean probably not the SAME one) builds a nest in our backyard deck’s light fixture, right by the back door…. And I would get dive bombed for weeks, losing the use of my deck, essentially. Sadly, sometimes a squirrel or something would get into the nest while the parents were away, and I’d come out to find eggs shattered on the deck :(. Finally husband put in some spiky things that stop birds from finding it a desirable nesting locale.

    2. Dinwar*

      In the Victorian Era it was common for farmers to have geese in the barnyard. Partially it was for meat and feathers (for pens), but the real reason was to keep predators away from the other animals. Geese do NOT put up with foxes, badgers, and the like.

      A friend of mine pointed out that this means the Victorians used dinosaurs to guard their property. Which, given the therapods we think birds evolved from…yeah, it tracks!

    3. Six Feldspar*

      The tiny birds that swear at me from the bushes every time I go out to my garden definitely remember…

    4. Kesnit*

      My wife keeps chickens and turkeys. We call them the “tiny dinosaurs.” They have no fear and will stand in the driveway while we honk the horn, trying to get them to move. The roosters have pecked at my feet while I refill their water. (Those beaks HURT!)

    2. samwise*

      Haha, many years ago we had a cat who escaped out the back door, trotted down the back steps (Chicago apt building), ran in the open back door of our downstairs neighbors and through their apt to the front door, waited at the front door til our neighbors opened it, and fortunately ran upstairs to our front door, where she waited patiently for us to figure out where the heck she had gone.

      We asked our neighbors — why did you let her out the front door? “Well, she seemed to know where she was going”

      Totally indoor cat, had never before been anywhere outside our apartment. How she knew to go upstairs and which door was ours, I’ll never know. A most excellent cat.

      1. NerdyLibraryClerk*

        Cats (some cats at least) seem to know these things. I live in an apartment complex that allows pets. One evening I heard a cat calling plaintively in the hall. My own cats were accounted for, so I went out and found a cat walking up and down my section of hall woeing. Having gotten the attention of a person, it led me to an apartment on the next floor up and sat in front of the door.

        I knocked on the door and the person who answered was surprised to find their cat on their doorstep with a random person. It had somehow gotten out and they were listening to music just loud enough that they didn’t hear it woeing on their doorstep.

        (I realize this sounds absolutely bonkers and more like the plot of a children’s book, but I swear it happened!)

        4. KateM*

          Once late in the evening, suddenly someone started to press repeatedly on our from door handle, trying to get in (door was locked). My husband looked out of window next to it and saw nobody. He got rather creeped out until after some time he started to also hear meowing.

          Later on, the cat had found its way to our back door – I went past and saw it. The shock on cat’s face seeing a totally wrong human in what it had thought was its own home…

          We called a knowledgeable neighbour who did know whose cat it could have been, and a very relieved teenager came and grabbed his new cat who had mixed up the houses in our row of identical ones.

  18. Andrea*

    Oh my gosh — I initially read #6 as “the CEO went up to the roof in an OWL suit”! That would be above and beyond. These are all great.

    4. Admin of Sys*

      Same here – I’m glad I’m not the only one to imagine him flapping giant costume wings!

  19. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

    #1 reminded me about how my grandparents’ dog somehow gained access to the church where her favorite human (my uncle) was getting married. Trotted right into the middle of the ceremony. The dog never went to church before, but we suspect she somehow followed the trail of a few of the family members who walked there. Crossed a major road, found an entrance somewhere other the main door, as she came up from the front. A legend.

  20. Lab Boss*

    #5: I’ve never had to consider whether I would try to move an iguana to steal some money. But now that I think about it… yeah, that’s a pretty great security system.

    2. ScruffyInternHerder*

      As ornery or aggressive as they CAN be, I wouldn’t screw with an unknown iguana either.

  21. many bells down*

    My husband once couldn’t go to work for a day because a very large rattlesnake had decided to park itself smack in the middle of his building’s lobby. Rightly, no one was willing to try to walk around it to get to the elevator.

    1. 1-800-BrownCow*

      If that were ever to happen at my workplace, which is actually quite possible since rattlesnakes are native and we see lots of wildlife often on the property, I do have a coworker that would very happily wrangle the rattlesnake and move it to a far from work location. He’s quite well-versed in snakes and has caught and moved several from his own property, including rattlesnakes. I even once texted him one weekend when I was hiking with my younger 2 kids (9 and 5 at the time) and my 9 y.o. screamed and jumped back from the trail when he spotted a large snake sleeping on a rock. I suspected the snake was a copperhead and thanks to very good zoom on my camera, I was able to get a close-up picture of the snake from about 20ft away to text my coworker and he immediately confirmed it to be a copperhead. Not that it would have changed our hiking path as we definitely changed direction and were on high alert after that spotting, but I was thankful that I still had a good enough signal where we were hiking to get the confirmation right away. That day was the only day I’ve ever seen a copperhead while hiking, and I’ve spent plenty of times out in the woods since I was a little kid. But the funny part is, we saw 2 more copperheads that day while hiking and they weren’t all in the same area or even close to each other. We were probably close to a mile apart between each copperhead. The first one was the only one sunning on our path, but the next two we saw were on large rock outcroppings (like 15 ft high) along the hiking path, looking down at us. No clue how big the other two were, but the first had to have been 2-3 ft based on how big around it was curled up and how many “curls” it made. I would say that was one of most nervous I had ever been hiking and I’ve even seen bears while on hikes. And my kids didn’t leave my side the rest of that hike.

    3. Student*

      I had a workplace where we occasionally needed to remove rattlesnakes to conduct business. There was an SOP and everything.

      There was also a SOP for cougar removal.

      The magpies, though, were the real menace. They would plunder any car that had its windows down. They liked making nests in the beds of company vehicles, too.

      You could legally prevent magpies from nesting in vehicles through pro-active measures, but if they made a complete nest before you noticed then you couldn’t remove them due to relevant laws. This led to an increasingly elaborate magpie vs. facilities arms race for the ownership of the company’s trucks during every magpie mating season. The facilities team would make fake magpie nests to try to drive the real magpies into nesting somewhere unclaimed, among other measures.

      1. Admin of Sys*

        I recognize this is a real problem, but it’s still hilarious to imagine a brainstorming meeting in a conference room, with people showing powerpoints about birds control.

  22. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

    So much wholesomeness! It’s like a cynicism antidote.

    Also, this is excellent story-telling: “Canadian geese aren’t known for their social skills at the best of times, but when they’re nesting it becomes Jurassic Park but with honking and feathers.”

    1. Fluffy Orange Menace*

      The other day I learnt that, birds are indeed classified as dinosaurs, and because of that dinosaurs are deemed not extinct. I think about it a lot.

    2. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      Honestly, Jurassic Park should have had feathers, but it was made before we’d figured that out.

  23. Harper*

    At my last company, every spring a pair of Canadian geese would make a nest near our front entrance. The male kept vigilant guard and anyone passing on the sidewalk was at risk of an attack. One morning as I walked past, I heard an ominous, low honk and looked up to see the little monster peering down at me from the roof. It sent a chill down my spine and made me laugh all at the same time.

    The receptionist decided to start monitoring the surveillance camera footage and saving video clips of goose attacks. They. were. epic. One tall, lanky manager was seen swinging his bare laptop at the goose, arms and legs flailing as he did. Another guy punched the goose right on the beak as it flew towards him to flog him. One unfortunate employee was looking down at his phone and saw Papa Goose at the last minute, but inadvertently stepped closer to the nest in order to avoid him. That poor guy was knocked into a parked car while his lunch bag flew in the opposite direction. I gave those damn geese a wide, wide berth, because I was determined NOT to go down in the video archives.

    1. Susan*

      I live in Canada, where we have some big wildlife: Moose (ever seen one up close?), bears, caribou, etc. But if you ask a Canadian what really nasty animal they go out of their way to avoid, yup, it’s the geese.

      2. The Prettiest Curse*

        My theory on this is that somehow the arsehole tendencies of the entire Canadian population were transferred into your geese, thus making Canadians lovely people.

        1. Festively Dressed Earl*

          I thought that was fact. Don’t Canadians have a big annual ceremony where they transfer all national rudeness and hostility into their geese?

          1. Jam on Toast*

            Yes, every July 4. All the Americans next door are busy that day, so we’re assured of secrecy during the transfer ceremony.

      3. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

        Well, no moose or bear ever brought down a passenger airplane. (The bird that brought down the plane that landed on the Hudson River was both a Canada goose, by species, and a Canadian goose by birth.)r

        I know, those are accidents, not suicide attacks, but those geese are still dangerous.

    2. Orv*

      A friend who is a security guard tells me that a solid kick in the chest usually gets them to back down, but I was never brave enough to try it.

      1. The OG Fluffy Orange Menace*

        I’m pretty short, so by the time I got close enough to kick the goose in the chest, I’ve already lost the fight!

  24. Watry*

    Re Goose CEO: I feel like a person who lives where Canada geese go should know what Canada geese are like*. What was he thinking?

    *Aggressive. That is what they are like. Like others have said, they were all over my college campus, especially the off-campus lot where I parked because it was cheaper. One attempted to fight my car as I left one day.

    1. Mentally Spicy*

      I love the image of the CEO climbing up on the roof in his suit to install decoy owls. In my imagination he is rubbing his hands together and chuckling like a cartoon villain.

    2. Harper*

      Yep, I’ve had them chase my car, hissing and honking. They have more rage than they have sense. LOL

  25. London Calling*

    Oh and the geese has just reminded me of my brother versus the brush turkeys (he lives in Australia, semi rural). Brush turkeys are a protected species and one family had built a nest right where bro didn’t want it. Every time he moved the nest the turkeys came right back and rebuilt it where it had been and dear bro was having a massive sense of humour failure over it. I was watching and suggested he moved the fence rather than the nest and that was the only time I heard him suggest I eff off – to which my response was that he must be kidding, this was the funniest thing I’d seen in YEARS.

    Really wish I’d put it on YouTube.

    1. Fluffy Orange Menace*

      They are delightful creatures. There is one specific bush turkey I met near a waterhole. The delightful little turkeyhead would hide in the bush during swimming season, wait til the humans stripped and in the water, then run out and eat the humans’ muesli bars picked out of their pockets. Turkey figured out even if they were caught, no way they’d make it over fast enough.

        1. Fluffy Orange Menace*

          I don’t just love it because we lost. I love it because unlike say cassowary or even ostrich, emu are really quite the pacifists. They just chillaxed their way into winning, without ever killing an enemy.

          1. WS*

            Emus are *mostly* pacifists. I have a strong childhood memory of an emu chasing down a group of us kids, knocking the smallest kid to the ground and pecking her on the head, to much screaming and bleeding. The kid in question later became a state champion cross country runner.

      2. Six Feldspar*

        Gotta love Australian birds causing problems in purpose!

        My personal faves are the cassowary that stole a family’s beach picnic, and the cockatoo in Melbourne cbd picking up pot plants from balconies and dropping them onto the laneways below…

    1. The Rise and Fall of Sanctuary Moon*

      Oh my god I remember that letter! I also loved Alison’s response because I, too, am like I totally get it you’d like to talk about something else, but only AFTER I hear more about them and see pictures and videos. Immediately.

  29. Myrin*

    I’m howling at the thought of looking at #9’s office from above, where you can clearly see the goat-vs.-boss movements and all the tactical shenanigans going on.

    1. Harper*

      We had a pet goat when I was a kid and he loved Funyons! Goats will eat just about anything. He even ate the bulbs out of my mom’s outdoor Christmas lights, which pissed her off royally. LOL

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          That’s one reason they’re deployed as grass mowers on hard to reach slopes and such!

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Harborview Medical Center tried to rent them to clean up a hillside while I worked there, but the goat herders decided (reasonably) that there was too much risk of drug garbage on the slope in question and it would be too dangerous for the goats. The purchasing department was adjacent to my cube farm and they went gaga over the pictures of goats for WEEKS.

          2. Orv*

            When I lived in the Seattle area there was a business called Rent-a-Ruminant that would lease goats for that purpose.

        2. roisin54*

          My city uses goats to get rid of the poison ivy that pops up near some of the roads, I think they rent them from a local farm every year.

        5. Certaintroublemaker*

          My aunt raised dairy goats who would eat any poison oak around the property. Since the family drank goat milk every day they had an immunity to poison oak contact. Win, win!

    1. RedinSC*

      I’ve had peacocks attack the chrome on my car in a parking lot before. FOrtunately, my car is a piece of junk, so it didn’t matter at all.

      1. Fluffy Orange Menace*

        I lived in Aoteoroa and our kea are so well known at doing this for fun, that we have ads about it.

        1. RedinSC*

          The wild turkeys here where I live do that. I have some beak-shaped dents in the door of my car from them! HA!

      1. Lizzo*

        A workplace dispute story where the Dog Dean is called upon to referee.
        Someone get Disney on the phone ASAP!

  32. noncommittally anonymous*

    OK, I need to know if the paperwork with Doggie Dean’s signature went through the rest of the academic approval process. I’m loving the idea that that piece of paper with a pawprint is still in a file folder somewhere at that University.

    And, yes, I might be currently eyeing my dog’s paws.

    1. 1-800-BrownCow*

      I believe the 2nd to last paragraph in the story where the real Dean (Chris Potter) was telling a story about his dog somehow walking on paperwork that made his supposed signature unreadable to the grant approval accountant was the paperwork signed by the dog. So yes, it seems it did go through but caused some confusion and questions.

      1. Nonanon*

        I choose to believe it wasn’t the first time he had the dog sign paperwork that he couldn’t be bothered with and admin just sort of knew sometimes Dean Potter will have a pawprint instead of a signature.

  33. RedinSC*

    Ok, quick Red, come get the goat and scratch it’s chin! I’ve got a meeting in 2 minutes!

  34. yay*

    I love all of these stories. :)
    The cat one particularly brings me a lot of joy.

    Geese are indeed terrifying! They were nesting at my wedding grounds and just about scared off the photographer and makeup artist! Jumped up on the doorway they were meant to go in and lspread its wings and hissed at them.

  35. Shellfish Constable*

    I live in Miami and — let me tell you — horny male peacocks during mating season are NO JOKE. Locally they are only slightly more destructive than hurricanes: they’ve destroyed cars, fences, roofs (!!), are loud AF, and have “outcompeted” slightly less bonkers local fauna. Unfortunately, they are protected by local city ordinances for adding “character”, which must be code for poop because, my god, do those feathered idiots poop a LOT.

    All of which is why when a fox family showed up on our block and the peacock population took an abrupt dip, all my neighbors lied to the city animal control guy when he asked us if we knew where the fox was living.

    1. ThursdaysGeek*

      My neighbor had peacocks and the males scream at 120+ decibels, for about 4-6 hours every day starting as soon as it starts to get light, for about 4 months of the year. One decided to roost above our bedroom window. After not getting adequate sleep for months, I understood why the previous owner of our house tried to shoot them. But since I didn’t have a weapon, I had to talk to my neighbor. They got rid of them! (We have the best neighbors ever.)

  36. cloudy*

    Oh the peacock reminded me about the turkeys! My first job was a summer job while I was a college student at a state park. One day, one of the rangers came in with his fancy new black car. A flock of wild turkeys saw their reflection in it and pecked holes in the finish all the way around the thing.

    From then on, he parked his car by surrounding it with spare construction barrels (the big orange kind)…

  37. IAmUnanimousInThat*

    LOL. Yeah, I remember the Canadian Geese. Nasty creatures. We had several that took over the pond outside of our office building, causing all kinds of trouble. We tried tiptoeing around them for a while, but they become increasingly aggressive. Eventually one attacked the daughter of one of our VPs who had to bring her to work to drop something else, and nipped her good. He got a shovel from the janitor’s closet and, well….dispatched that goose and another who also attacked him. I dearly love animals, but I certainly wasn’t sorry to see those disgusting rat-birds removed, regardless of how they met their fates.

  38. Cheap Ass Hellmouth*

    I thought the goat story was the best thing I’d ever read, until I got to Doggie Dean.

  39. A Simple Narwhal*

    “I am so pissed that my mother never told me her boss was a dog, but she’s really busy right now.”

    Love it!

  40. Sind*

    Imagine the patience of that sweet doge to let op#10 make a signature with her pawprint. She knew it was important!

  41. old curmudgeon*

    This makes me want a return of AAM readers’ animal coworker photos! I still go back to the threads in early 2020 when I need a stress-relief break – I’d love to get a fresh batch to squee over!

  43. CommanderBanana*

    In a previous job, I worked for an agency that was in a large, college-campus-style series of buildings, all completely surrounded by a tall metal fence.

    The geese quickly realized that this was an excellent place to live, with no predators, and during nesting season we had to shut down some building entrances and put guide tape to keep people away from the geese, who were, in true goose fashion, extremely aggressive. Nothing deterred them – not even the very lifelike, animatronic coyotes that were purchased and placed around the grounds.

    We had a very old groundhog that would lounge on the asphalt of the drive used for visiting dignitaries, preventing the ambassadors of wherever from using it. That ceremonial entrance was completely off limits one season when the geese made a nest in one of the planters. There was also So. Much. Goose. Poop.

    They built a new building while I worked there, and some raccoons got in during construction and couldn’t get out, and spent several nights pillaging the break rooms until they were removed. Hilarious photos of them perched on top of printers, clutching pilfered donuts, were circulated.

  44. cindylouwho*

    I once saw a dog run by me in the hallway. This was particularly odd because I work in a medical research lab that is a STERILE environment. I asked around and it turned out one of the professors had started bringing in her special needs dog (like not a service animal for her, but rather the dog was special needs) during COVID, and didn’t want to stop. So now there was just a small dog that would roam.

    1. Baby Yoda*

      I just love that the dog knew to get on the elevator, just didn’t know which floor to get off on.

  46. Aggretsuko*

    I probably should have added this in, but it’s not a very crazy story. I saw a stray kitten outside of my work building, came in and told everyone else at work that day, and almost all of us attempted to catch it. The kitten was wily and managed to hide in the bushes, but my boss went out, got cat food, and caught and adopted her very quickly. It’s a cute story…but since this was the boss who wanted to get rid of me, I hope she feels guilty when she looks at her cat.

    1. Zephy*

      First job out of college was at a high school and we had a similar kitten caper. Two kittens, about 8 weeks old or so, ran into campus one morning. I and a couple of other coworkers managed to wrangle them and got permission to take a little field trip – first to my apartment for supplies (I happened to have kitten food, plus some litter and a cardboard box for an ersatz litterbox), then to my coworker’s place to put the kitties for safekeeping for the day, as one of our other coworkers had a serious cat phobia so the kittens couldn’t just stay in our office. We set up the babies in his bathroom with food, water, and litter, and then he called a friend who worked for a cat rescue. The rescue wasn’t able to take them – it was kitten season so they were up to their eyeballs in baby cats, and these two were seemingly healthy and more or less independent – but the friend ended up keeping them herself.

    2. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      One of my summer jobs was mowing grass for a utility company. One day, I found two kittens playing under a stack of pipes in the yard. One of the engineers and I donned work gloves and carefully moved the pipes until we got to the kittens. I grabbed the fluffy white kitten that tried to dash by me and promptly got bitten–right through the glove, through the web of my thumb. I took her home anyway (my coworker took the other one). That feral blue-eyed monster took MONTHS to tame. She became a barn cat for the rest of her life and every one of her kittens was white!

  48. Bear with me*

    RE#3 A bear wandered into our suburban office park. It’s nowhere near any nature preserves (the closest is a 100-acre wooded park a few blocks away, but it’s not connected to any larger green spaces. a bear’s territory is measured in square miles, i.e. thousands of acres). There were lots of jokes in the company chat but nobody got any pictures.

  49. Rocky Mountain (not) High*

    Years ago I worked at a building that had a pair of guinea fowl (like chickens, but less intelligent) that lived on the grounds. They were like our site mascots, had a cute couple name that I’ve since forgotten, and were generally beloved. Unfortunately, it turned out that there was also a fox that lived near the building. One morning we all arrived to a sad note from our Facilities Manager that one of the guineas had had an unfortunate run in with the neighborhood predator. There was great mourning all around, and the remaining guinea was provided with a pen to keep safe and, eventually, some additional friends to hang around with. It wasn’t quite the same as having free roaming dumbdumb chickens greeting you, but we were glad for no more carnage.

    As for the fox, she had babies that were periodically adorably visible from the windows in the back of the building, and all was mostly forgiven.

  50. Dawn*

    Just jumping in here as a Canadian (because I know somewhere else in this thread people are complaining about them) that Canada geese are delightful creatures, even when nesting, so long as you show respect for them and the territory that they consider theirs. And watching them chase apples across a lawn is not to be missed. The apples are round, the geese don’t have hands…. it’s a great time.

    Seriously, though. I’ve eaten my lunch right next to nesting geese. You just have to pay them the appropriate respect.

      1. Dawn*

        Back down if they threaten you, move away and/or be lower to the ground/non-threatening if they do get aggressive. Mostly just don’t act aggressively yourself – move slowly and not directly towards them when you’re in their vicinity. and minimize your presence.

        I’ve sat down on a cable spool about ten feet from a pair of nesting geese on a construction site, and after the male was done eyeballing me we were fine, especially after he got some of my lunch. They just don’t like people who look like they might disturb the nest or the roosting mother, and they can actually become quite fond of people who bring them food while they’re nesting. They like fruit.

        1. Dawn*

          Some of this is hard to put in words just because…. they’re very smart animals – most birds are – and they know when you’re trying to coexist and they respond to that energy.

    2. FricketyFrack*

      Agreed, I regularly walk right past the geese when they’re hanging out in front of my building and have no issues. It’s like they get that I’m not coming at them, we’re just doing our own things. The teenage geese this year were also outrageously cute – maybe even cuter than fresh babies. The only time geese have ever started to get aggressive is when my dumb chihuahua would get a little too interested on a walk.

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        Seconded. We had domesticated geese at the lagoon on my college campus, and they were way worse! (Chased an entire art class away once. Not fans of plein air painting!)

  51. goddessoftransitory*

    I am beyond thrilled that The Goat made the list! Its author is Stella70, who is indeed a GOAT at storytelling!

  52. Shanaconda*

    I was already crying laughing at “he thought the dog knew where it was going,” only to be hit with “the bobcat was an individual known to police.” Then the goat! And the doggy dean! I’m sobbing!

  53. Lara*

    I used to be a firefighter. A neighbor called us cause a dog had gotten stuck in her fence trying to get in (ribs on one side, hips on the other, very common).

    We arrive to find Tito, the firehouse stray (not ours but named and fed by us, and allowed to sleep inside in colder nights) stuck in the fence, welcoming us like we’re his best friends.

    The lady was adamant that if the dog was a stray like he looked to be maybe we could just pull him out breaking his hips so we didn’t have to bend her expensive metal gate. We express horror at the suggestion, bend the posts as much as necessary while pretending not to know Tito, and release him.

    We ride back to the station with Tito running and barking after the truck happily as if he’s racing us home. Fucking Tito.

      1. ScruffyInternHerder*

        I’m impressed with the restraint shown in at least this story, because WOW. That lady a piece of work.

  54. Warrant Officer Georgiana Breakspear-Goldfinch*

    God, if only a cute dog were signing off on paperwork in my department, I bet faculty would be a lot more responsive.

  55. Debe*

    I love these extremely funny stories. It’s like reading the comics in the newspaper when I was a child.

  57. William Murdoch's Homburg*

    I’m in Canada and, “Jurassic Park but with honking and feathers” is literally the most accurate description I’ve ever come across.

    Also I would be thoroughly delighted to spend the day with a goat as my intern.

    1. judyjudyjudy*

      Birds are basically dinosaurs. I am genuinely wary of geese, because I was bit once as a small child by a goose. Vicious!!

  58. spaceelf*

    Love that Dean story!

    Also, I do not understand why people are afraid of Canada geese. If you’re wearing pants, you’re fine, just keep walking.

    2. ScruffyInternHerder*

      Um, because one took flight/attempted to and at least caught enough air to bite at the back of my head? They’re straight nasty in our office park.

  59. bleakho*

    When I was at university the same duck used to come every year to lay her eggs in a planter in one of the college courtyards, and every year once they had hatched they would be ceremonially walked through college, out of the (ancient and usually never opened) back gate, and down to the river by a porter in full uniform. Annual highlight

  60. Six Feldspar*

    I’m amazed that the boss didn’t smell the goat in the office… They can be pretty, um, fragrant animals…

  61. run mad; don't faint*

    The unauthorized dog reminds me of the time I was at the ER and a golden retriever waltzed through the automatic doors into the ER lobby. Tail wagging, confident, happy, checking out everything and everyone in the place. Finally one of the doctors came out from the back and exclaimed that it was her dog. She lived a few blocks away. He had somehow gotten out and come down to pay her a visit!

  63. Doh!nut*

    My daughters first part time job was at Krispy Kreme.
    A family of moorhens would sometimes waddle about along the drive-thru corridoor, so she would sometimes be tasked to coax them away from with stale donuts, much to the amusement of patrons sitting in their vehicles.

  64. judyjudyjudy*

    I know an office might not be the best place for a cat…but I’d love an office cat. I’d spend a lot of time petting the office cat, talking to the office cat, looking for the office cat, playing with the office cat. It’s probably good for my career that there is no office cat at my workplace.

    1. Alpaca Bag*

      Now that I work from home, I have an “office” cat. Ahhh…

      And then there’s the time when she tried to climb up on my lap and punctured my thigh while I was on a call. I swore loudly and jerked my leg away, she took off with my headset, and while I was trying to get it back I knocked over a coat rack. I apologized to my newish coworker, and we haven’t spoken of it since then.

  65. Cosmerenaut*

    The Dean wins.

    I am not as surprised about #1 with an employee thinking that the dog “knew” where his Person was because dogs and cats can be quite smart. If you go to the Hoover Dam they have some signs about a dog that would show up at the work site. Everyone loved this dog, and the site chef would prepare a brown-bag lunch for him every day. The dog would come in the morning, take the lunch, wander to wherever he wanted to be, and take lunch when he wanted.

  66. Kesnit*

    A large flock of geese lives across the street from my county courthouse. For the most part, they stay on one side of the road or the other, but sometimes a family decides that the grazing is better on the other side. Traffic in both directions stops while Mommy and Daddy slowly guide their babies across the road. NOTHING will get them moving faster than they want to waddle.

  67. Snake-wearing woman*

    I worked for years at, let’s say, a nature center that had a lot of animals on display and still more behind the scenes who would come out for programs. In the middle of a miserable winter, we lost power and heat for days. Before generators could be set up, the animal care staff worried that our indoor snakes would be harmed by the sudden drop in temperature. The answer? – body heat! Human body heat. The animal care staff still had to run around the campus caring for animals, so we office staff were asked to hold a snake under our jackets and sweaters. The snakes were all non-venomous and were enclosed in pillowcases, so not a big deal if you’re not bothered by snakes. Fortunately, there were more willing snake-warming volunteers. All good – on to solving the next crisis. The trick was that after a while, you really got tired of having to hold the snake with one hand. So a co-worker and I used scarves to rig up a sort of snake snugli. After a while, you’d forget you were wearing a snake, until it warmed up enough to move and bop you in the boob. And, in my case, I had to remember to hand off my snake to another co-worker before I headed off to the dentist. I had contemplated wearing “my” snake to the appointment, figuring the dentist’s office heat would be nice for the snake, but I worried about the seatbelt hurting him. My coworker had to remind me that maybe the dentist staff might not appreciate the snake. Stuff gets really normalized when you work around animals.

    1. Quill*

      Look, I am both the kind of person who would be totally fine with a sweater dwelling snake and the kind of person who briefly wore a chameleon as a hair ornament (intending to relocate it to a safer location in the field after lunch, wanted my hands clean and free to eat, discovered chameleons are desperately slow…) but I think, or at least hope, that I wouldn’t try to put a snake between me and a seatbelt.

  68. In tears*

    This story about The Dean made me laugh so hard, I cried. My husband left a meeting to come out and check on me. This is the best thing I’ve ever read.

  69. Doc Potterywood*

    Omg I’m dead. The geese and the CEO! The goat! Laughing so hard I’m crying. Thank you :)

  70. Project Maniac-ger*

    I’m sending an email to our finance folks right now about Iguana Security. Our training said be proactive, so I’m being proactive.

  71. Betty Beep Boop*

    Oh hey, I have, not a bat story exactly but a bat tip. If you have a bat flying around and around and around near the ceiling, turn off any fans, especially ceiling fans, and anything else moving fast or making noise, and wait a moment. Once the bat is no longer having their echolocation messed with they will usually quickly find the route they came in by and use it to exit.

  72. CM*

    Goat dad had some nerve! Expecting his coworkers to goat-sit all day, inside an office — and then complaining about the effect on the goat’s digestion? And the poor coworker who never expected to encounter an evil horizontal-pupiled creature at her desk job.

  73. Cathy*

    Hahahaha- the duck story reminded me of a duck story of my own. We had an enclosed courtyard in our building that was open to the sky. Mama duck had her babies in the courtyard, and then it was time to lead them to water. But the pond was outside the building & the babies couldn’t fly. So they sent some maintenance guys to lead the ducks out through the building, but that just freaked the poor ducks out. The maintenance guys ended up chasing them with nets.

    Meanwhile we are all looking out the windows into the courtyard watching the show. (and laughing our heads off)

    Ultimately, the ducks got out safely with no ducky heart attacks & no injuries to the maintenance guys. And they put netting over the courtyard.

  74. CarrieOakie*

    We just lost our senior cat a month ago. She was my first all mine baby (though she was 5 when I got her) and I was a WRECK. I am still a mess once in awhile (I had no idea how attached I was to her litter box) and the story of Siren got me. I don’t think office cats get enough recognition. Office dogs are great, but office cats just need a place to snooze and judge, along with food and water of course.

    And Canadian Geese are the worst which is why I think they’re so fun lol. I worked at Six Flags as a teen and they’d come fly in every year and we’d watch as the teens though they could scare them off of tables. Geese always win.

  75. Fluff*

    How do you know if someone at work reads ask a manager?

    Someone burps and proclaims “you tube sorry” immediately followed by a bleat from another cubicle. Our medical records folks are hilarious and obviously fans.

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