weekend open thread — August 17-18, 2024

by Alison Green on August 16, 2024

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Fleishman Is in Trouble, by Taffy Brodesser-Akner. A man looks back at the break-up of his marriage as he fields dating, raising two kids, and the disappearance of his ex-wife.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. Recommendations or one to two updates on things you received advice about in the past are fine, but “here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed. We also can’t do medical advice here.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

  2. sarah*

    I loved the post this week asking about things you believed about work when you were a kid. Can we do the weekend version of it here, about what you believed about non-work adult life when you were a child or a teenager?

    I know I thought I would be going to a lot more dinner parties because my parents were always going to them. I don’t think they are as much of a thing any more! Or maybe that’s just in my circle.

    1. The incel rebellion has been canceled due to inclement weather*

      I thought everyone paired up and ended up in long-term relationships at some point in their late teens or early twenties. For half my male friends and acquaintances that simply hasn’t happened.

      1. The incel rebellion has been canceled due to inclement weathe*

        I should clarify that I thought pairing off was effectively an automatic process. I had no idea how much work goes into it and just how unsuccessful so many people—overwhelmingly men—would be.

        1. allathian*

          Maybe they are doing something wrong. Treating female humans as human beings with legit needs and wishes of their own goes a long way. Men who assume that women exist only to make them happy deserve to fail at relationships.

          1. The incel rebellion has been canceled due to inclement weather*

            Without wishing to start a very long, distracting discussion, I can only say that that doesn’t seem to be the problem in most of the cases I’ve seen. Most of the men I know with sexist attitudes seem to have no problem attracting women; it’s the quiet, hard-working ones who are struggling.

            1. allathian*

              Men in general benefit more from being in a relationship than women do. Married men, apparently regardless of whether the marriage is happy or not, live longer, healthier lives than single or divorced men do. Women don’t enjoy the same benefit, and an unhappy marriage/relationship has more negative consequences for women’s health. More women are willingly opting out of relationships now than ever before because being single doesn’t carry the social stigma it used to and because women who have access to birth control are just as free to enjoy casual relationships as men are. Although goodness knows for how long…

              Career-oriented women in well-paid jobs also don’t need a man to pay their way.

            2. Irish Teacher.*

              To be fair, quiet and hardworking is not really related to sexism. Not saying the men you know are sexist, just that quiet and hardworking men are just as likely to be sexist as noisy lazy ones. And equally, noisy and or/lazy ones are just as likely to not be sexist.

              Actually, I am surprised if half the men you knew were in longterm relationships in their late teens or early twenties. I will admit most of my friends at that age were women, so perhaps it is more common for men to be, but I didn’t know many people who were even really thinking about serious relationships until maybe 24ish. I remember about that age, my friends suddenly getting to “you know, I’d actually like to meet somebody, marry and have kids by the time I’m 30,” when a year or two earlier, a lot were “yeah, I can’t imagine settling down. I am way too busy.”

              I definitely wouldn’t consider not being in a long-term relationship by one’s early twenties to mean the person is in any way unsuccessful. It is more likely they are either choosing to be footloose and fancy free or that they just haven’t met the right person yet. Most people I know seem to have met their long term partner in their late 20s or early 30s.

              1. allathian*

                I started dating my first serious boyfriend when I was 23 and the relationship ended two years later. (I was socially awkward and barely able to say hi to guys until college, and too busy with school and work to date.) I met my husband when I was 33 (my best friend’s husband was work friends with one of my husband’s friends, we were the “perpetual singles” in our friend groups, and they set us up), and by the third date I knew he was the man I wanted to marry someday. In between, I was mostly (fairly unhappily) single with a few FWBs.

                That said, one of my work friends met her future husband at a summer camp when both of them were 15 and they got married in their early 30s when they wanted to start a family, 10 years later they’re still married. One of my old friends married her middle school sweetheart (they met when they were 13 and started dating a couple years later) and they’re still happily married.

          2. Rosyglasses*

            That seems unnecessarily unkind to make that assumption? People can have very different experiences within their peer groups.

        2. amoeba*

          I mean, seeing as most of those long-term relationships are, in fact, heterosexual and monogamous, it’s statistically very unlikely (or rather impossible) that men are “overwhelmingly” affected. Maybe you should take your data from some more reliable sources?

          1. Dancing Otter*

            Well, the “in” in incel stands for involuntary, I am a happily single woman, so I’m not suffering from not being paired off.
            So maybe Inclement Weather is referring to more men wanting and not forming relationships. Or maybe failing to maintain relationships.
            Or it could be a matter of sample size. Perhaps their circle of acquaintances is not evenly distributed.

          2. The incel rebellion has been canceled due to inclement weather*

            I’m not sure what you mean by more rsliable sources—I’m simply going by what I’ve seen with my own eyes (and for what it’s worth, I’ve lived all over the country in a variety of circumstances so I don’t think it’s a case of having too small a sample size). I suspect that the statistical problem you refer to is explained by the prevalence of age gaps in many heterosexual relationships.

            1. AGD*

              Social-science scholarship is what is meant. A random sampling methodology, or as-close-to-possible with careful numerical adjustment, would provide a sense of whether this is true of the broader U.S. population. Otherwise, we expect some onlookers to have seen some patterns, and other people to have seen other patterns, and still additional people to have reported seeing no pattern at all. Nothing wrong with observations if they inspire a hypothesis, but they can’t necessarily lead us to a conclusion or a degree of certainty about it.

              1. allathian*

                Indeed. I’d expect the demographics in conservative rural areas and small towns where people, especially women, tend to marry young and where traditional gender roles are the norm to look different than they do in more liberal urban areas.

        3. Ellis Bell*

          The work that goes into dating and healthy relationships is something I wish that a lot of young people knew more about, particularly the boys I teach. We put more so much more effort into teaching boys emotional literacy than we used to, but some of them are still very attached to the myth that a relationship will be automatically provided for them, and it will be easy. Of course, it is easy, but only when you know how! Not learning good emotional literacy means either missing out on relationships, or being trapped in relationships with manipulative people. I don’t think women are at all immune from the harm; I’ve never met the woman who achieved romantic happiness without an awful lot of work and heartbreak, but even at the worst of times it can often look like they’re either in happy relationships, or happily single when for all other people know, they’re actually not.

      2. The other sage*

        I thought the very same! I also believed you where not allowed to have fun anymore because you hat to be busy all the time working. Luckily worklife is not as bad as my father made it look like.

      3. Person from the Resume*

        I thought everyone got married heterosexually and had kids.

        I also thought once you got married you started going to bed after the 10pm news and became a responsible adult.

        I was shocked to discover my friend who married while getting his master degree and his wife getting her bachelors still stayed up very late just like they did before marriage.

    2. Chicago Anon*

      I hoped I would be going to dinner parties! My parents did not, but people in books did, and I wanted that sort of life. Alas, it has not happened.

      3. Overthinking it*

        But do you GIVE dinner parties? Maybe make a goal that once a quarter, you will invite at least 4 people (three, if you are single) over and cook for them. Sooner or later, you should find at least a few that invite you back. And if not, oh, well!

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Laurie Colwin described this as

          They invited us
          We invited them
          They invited us
          We invited them

          in one of her novels!

    3. Bookgarden*

      I thought when I was much younger that at some point you became an Adult. One morning you woke up and became a responsible person who sent to work each day, did taxes, paid bills, yelled about politics (even when everyone shared the same beliefs), and listened to classical music. It wasn’t a gradual process, it was just something that happened overnight.

      During holiday meals with my mom’s side of the family, I was the oldest child of the group. I dreaded the inevitable time I would be asked to sit at the adults’ table away from my cousins because I knew that would be the end of my childhood and couldn’t do anything but lose my identity as a Kid and become an Adult.

      1. Loreli*

        I was several years older than my cousins and by the time I was 11 I was always stuck at the kids table in the role of babysitter. I wanted so badly to be at the grownups table

      2. Wendy Darling*

        I just got back from visiting my partner’s family and the giant cousin group chat for the occasion was called “Kids Table” and we did indeed find ourselves sitting together at a kid table on multiple occasions. I think the kids’ table only goes away if you let it.

        1. Bookgarden*

          I appreciate what you’re saying and definitely agree for the most part! It’s a long story, but due to my mom having to cut ties with her family due to abusive behavior something like this wouldn’t have been possible.

          1. Redaly22*

            I’m sorry that you missed out, but it probably wouldn’t have been fun with people like that. I will say, at my set of tables, people are only legally related up and down, all those aunts and uncles and cousins are family by choice.

        2. Redaly22*

          Yes, we have for many years now had the adults table, the kids table, and the kids kids table. Although I do think that the kids table will become the adults table soon, as the adults are in their 80s and their table is shrinking, sadly.

      3. My Brain is Exploding*

        So when my widowed dad married a widow, there were about 40 people at the reception. We joked that there was a “kids’ table” (really a wing off the head table), which consisted of me, the three kids of his new wife, all of our spouses and my two children. The oldest person in that group was 43. We were the 10 youngest people there.

    4. Nicosloanita*

      I was not the brightest child but had no concept that by the time I was an adult, my own parents would be the same age as my grandparents were at the time I was a kid – and not just that they would be older, but age changes people in some fairly fundamental ways. I think I thought as a kid I would someday catch up to my parents and we would all be middle age together as peers. It’s weird because I did understand that my older siblings would always be older than me until infinity.

      2. Irish Teacher.*

        This reminds me of my little cousin who is 6 years younger than me and 5 years younger than my brother. When he was say 3-8, he was a real little brat (but grew up into a really nice kid by his teens and became a lovely adult) and around 3 or 4, he kept trying to fight with us, especially with my brother, who he seemed to see as some kind of threat, as the other boy. My brother of course, being around 8 or 9, was only amused and held him at arm’s length as he tried to kick and punch him. Finally, he told us, “you wait until I’m sixteen. Then I’ll be able to beat you all up.” He didn’t seem to realise that when he was 16, we would be adults. He seemed to think he’d be bigger than us then.

        1. Alex*

          There’s actually a kids book about this that I had (AND LOVED) called “I’ll Fix Anthony” and it is about a little brother daydreaming about all the things he would beat his older brother at when he was older.

          It’s weird that I loved it so much because I didn’t have siblings, but…I was a weird kid.

        2. PhyllisB*

          Not exactly the same, but when my sister and I were kids and we complain about something Mom made us do that we didn’t want to, she would say, “when you get big and I get little, then you can tell me what to do!!”
          Well, we DID get big and she got little. At her tallest she was 5 feet tall, and in later years she shrunk to 4 feet 10 inches, but we STILL had to listen to her!! My sister and I would joke that we got lied to.

      3. thunderingly*

        My daughter seemed to think when she was a toddler that as she got older, I would get younger. She used to be so sweet promising to take care of me when I was a baby.

        1. Wendy Darling*

          I mean she’s not entirely wrong. :/ By the time my parents were in their late 60s the tables did turn a bit and I found myself sort of parenting them.

          Memorably, my immunocompromised, high-COVID-risk, on-long-term-chemo, disabled-with-bad-balance mother wanted to go to BLM protests in 2020. The police in our city were VERY aggressive during the protests and their signature moves were 1. kettling and tear gassing protestors and 2. shooting tear gas grenades directly at people’s heads. There were a lot of injuries.

          I tried to get my mom to realize this was a bad idea by explaining how dangerous it was (I wasn’t even going because I have asthma and would end up in the ER if I got gassed, which seemed like it wouldn’t help anyone) but she only backed down when I said, fine, we’ll both go, here’s your mandatory protest supply list (bike helmet, some kind of goggles, respirator, umbrella, bottle of water, backpack to carry it all when we inevitably had to run from the cops) and offered to bring my partner’s old bike helmet for her.

          She didn’t back down because she realized it was unsafe for her, but because she thought it was too dangerous for ME, and she realized that if she went I was going.

      4. Aquatic*

        Kurt Vonnegut imagined an afterlife where you can choose your age. On arriving there, his narrator chose to be middle aged and looked forward to re-meeting his dad as a peer. Until he found out his dad had decided to spend his afterlife as a six year old.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      I thought I would know a lot more–like, there was a manual or something issued to you when you became a “grownup” that broke down, well, adult life. Instead, of course, I and everyone I know basically had to fumble and bumble around to our way of doing things.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Oh! And that I’d automatically start to like “adult” foods: coffee, tea, alcohol, mysterious sauces, rare meats, whatever got classified either by my brain or actual grownups as “not for kids.”

        In some cases, of course, I did grow into liking this or that! But more often the implacable hatred of childhood have tagged right along with me into my “maturity.”

        1. Nicosloanita*

          See, I very much did, seemingly overnight, just start liking that kind of thing – so it worked exactly as I pictured! I can’t place exactly how or when it happend, just that suddenly one day sushi tasted good, coffee was familiar and alcohol tasted just like it should. I think in reality my taste buds just dimmed from childhood.

          1. Wendy Darling*

            I had some kind of taste bud die-off in my early 20s after which stuff like broccoli was suddenly DELICIOUS. I loved coffee from like age 13 though…

            1. Clisby*

              I loved coffee from about age 8. My husband and I both grew up in families where kids were given coffee early (if they wanted it.) I liked mine as coffee-milk – half coffee, half milk.

              1. allathian*

                I was allergic to chocolate when I was a kid, and the only way my parents could get me to drink milk was by mixing about 1 part coffee with 9 parts milk. I was 5 at the time. I didn’t learn to enjoy carbonated drinks until my teens and I hated sweet juice made from concentrate, so at family parties I used to make people laugh by asking for milky coffee instead. At my friends’ birthday parties I generally drank either juice made from fresh fruit or plain water. By the time I was 15, the milk/coffee ratio had reversed. I still drink coffee with about 9 parts coffee and 1 part skimmed milk, although I’ll drink it black if there’s no skimmed milk available. Fatty or semi-skimmed tastes like cream (yuck) to me.

      2. GoryDetails*

        Yes, this! I just assumed that at some point the whole “adult” thing would kick in somehow. It… did not, though over the decades I did pick up a few adulting traits. (I also made a few decisions based on what I thought an adult *should* do, including getting married – I was 30, got along with my boyfriend, figured it was the logical next step… Turns out I did not really want to be married at all, broke up 5 years later, and have been very happily single ever since. So in the sense of making adult decisions based on my own preferences I’m doing much better now {wry grin}.)

    6. Bethlam*

      We had very basic sex ed in 5th grade, mostly just to explain periods, puberty, and a wee bit about reproduction. I got some wires crossed somehow and thought you had sex on your wedding night, then how many times you got pregnant was up to fate. Like the sperm just kept swimming around forever until one bumped into an egg?

      I did learn the fallacy of that in my teens, though.

      1. amoeba*

        Hah, oh, in the same vein – we had some sex ed in primary school and our teacher explained that while it’s called “sleeping together” (in German even more commonly than in English), there is no actual sleep involved. I thought I was so bright when I suggested that you know, you could put those parts in their places and then still sleep, no? The teacher was quite amused…

        I’m pretty sure I also believed you just had sex to get pregnant – they did a good job explaining the general biological concepts to us, but not so much the fact that people do it for fun!

        1. Nicosloanita*

          Haha yes our sex ed had no concept of why anyone would do such things (I’m sure they figured we could get to that part on our own) since it was a litany of diseases and how terrible pregnancy was and mostly focused on all the forms of contraceptive. I was quite puzzled as to why *anybody* would want to go through all that TBH.

          2. Alex*

            The problem is that not everyone “gets there on their own” and end up being very puzzled people until their 30s when they find out what asexuality is….or was that just me?

            No really though, I wish sexual attraction and sex drive had been covered in sex ed. I had no idea what that really meant until waayyyyyy too late.

        2. thunderingly*

          Haha we used to read the Little House on the Prairie books a ton when I was a kid and I think because they never mentioned Laura and Manny actually having sex, I thought that they’d just accidentally done it in their sleep and that’s how they got pregnant.

      3. Girasol*

        I remember sex ed! The diagrams of a nude male and female body standing side by side and the explanation that “when a man and a woman love each other very much” the sperm and egg join in her womb. Yes, but how?? No adults would explain. The veterinarian’s daughter gave us the details one day in the back of the school bus: how the man and woman go to the doctor and take off all their clothes and then the doctor connects them with a long tube so that they can make a baby.

      4. Two-Faced Big-Haired Food Critic*

        For a while, I thought it was possible to arrange for a baby to be a boy or a girl. Based on, when I was about 5, an aunt of mine was pregnant. I’d seen her taking some kind of pills or vitamins that were “for the baby”, and when she told me and my mom that the baby was going to be a girl, I assumed there was a connection. The doctor gave her “girl” pills, and if she’d wanted a boy, she would have gotten “boy” pills!

        Some time after that, like a year or two, I was watching an educational program that went into some detail about reproduction and the father’s chromosome determining gender, which of course leaves no option for a prescription to change anything. But I think I’d forgotten/grown out of my earlier theory by then.

    7. Catherine*

      I thought that eventually (25? 30?) I would finally be old enough and established enough that my family would engage with me as a fellow adult, as peers, instead of being treated as a permanently subordinate child in the family position.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Sorry this is your experience! Sending you internet hugs if you want them, and good wishes for finding and enjoying your family of choice in addition to (or instead of) your family of origin.

      2. allathian*

        In many families the dynamic is such that you don’t become a true adult in the older generation’s eyes until you reach traditional milestones like get married and (this is the important bit) have kids of your own. You become an adult in their eyes when you’re no longer the youngest generation. Single aunts never “grow up” in families like that.

        If that’s your experience, I’m sorry. I hope you have a chosen family who treats you like the adult you are.

        1. Rainy*

          My mother had a brief period of rational behavior that has since subsided, and while she absolutely hasn’t said anything like this to me, my little sister told me recently that when she and our cousin and our mother were visiting at 4th of July, mom said condescendingly that she and our cousin were “the only real adults in the room” because our cousin has kids and my sister doesn’t (nor do I). I find it sort of amusing that our mother is so unselfaware, but my sister takes that kind of thing super hard.

      3. tired turtle*

        my (maternal) grandfather, and his father(my great-grandfather) were both farmers.

        My mother recalls : my great-grandfather and grandfather standing in a field, with gg-father giving very explicit (micromanagy) details to grandfather about how to plant a field. After a few minutes, my grandfather says in exhasperation: yes dad! I’m 65 years old and I’ve been a farmer for 45 years. I *know* how to plant this field.

        So …. sometimes that whole being a kid thing, never goes away in some people’s eyes.

        1. allathian*

          Yeah, come to think of it, my grandma treated my dad the same way, even after he became a dad. My dad’s an only child and his mom was 32 when he was born, this was considered ancient (for a first child, moms of large families have been having kids into their 40s forever) in 1945. The stereotype of older moms being overly fixated on their only kids, especially their sons, was apparently true in her case. (I was even older when my son was born, but this is a different era when having your first kid in your late thirties or forties is common, and I’m a working mom while my gran was a homemaker and SAHM.) When I was in my late teens and my grandma visited us for Sunday dinner one November, she asked my dad if he’d started wearing longjohns yet. My dad just sighed, but I used my mouthy teen energy and said something like “Dad’s over 40 years old, don’t you think he knows when it’s cold enough to wear them?” Gran looked at me like the wallpaper had spoken, but I don’t think she ever infantilized my dad quite as badly again.

          But that’s probably why my parents never interfered with my clothing choices after I was about 15. Maybe I was sensible enough in my choices to suit their taste, maybe they figured that I’d learn to dress more warmly if I was cold, maybe they figured that just because they’d freeze in a thin jacket didn’t mean I would. Maybe it was that my dad especially didn’t want to be the sort of micromanaging parent his mom was…

          1. Irish Teacher.*

            My grandmother was a bit like this. Once I was staying with her when I was about 26 and when my uncle was over, I mentioned I was going out to the shop to get something. My uncle suggested another shop would be closer than the one I was going to and my grandmother exclaimed in horror that to get to that shop I’d have to cross the road!!! My uncle thought it hilarious.

        2. Reluctant Mezzo*

          My dad once automatically told me ‘don’t get run over!’ when I was 40 and going to the store, in the car like a civilized person…

      4. Bird names*

        Yeah, that is an unpleasant realisation. A quote from Lois McMaster Bujold helped clarify that a bit for me:
        “Adulthood isn’t an award they’ll give you for being a good child. You can waste years, trying to get someone to give that respect to you, as though it were a sort of promotion or raise in pay. If only you do enough, if only you are good enough. No. You have to just take it. Give it to yourself, I suppose. Say, I’m sorry you feel like that and walk away. But that’s hard.”
        It is indeed hard, but worthwhile. And the walking away does not need to be permanent.

      5. PhyllisB*

        Oh yes, always the baby of the family. I did get a brother by marriage, but he didn’t come to live with us until I was nearly 17, so really past the age to want be “big sister.” We got along fine, and we’re close today, but at that age I was too involved in my own life to worry about a pesky little brother, and family patterns were pretty set by then.

      6. I'm A Little Teapot*

        I solved that problem with one part of my extended family by getting extremely drunk at a family wedding. Extremely drunk. It worked though, after that I was treated as an adult. Yes, that family has some issues.

    8. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I thought the transition to “adult” life would be painless and automatic after high school. So by the age of around twenty, I’d be happily living away from my family, supporting myself financially, all set with a job I had chosen for myself based on my interests. Oh, sweet summer child.

      It didn’t help that my mother always kept up the unbreakable front of an efficient woman who had it all figured out. Even raising me as a single mum, she never showed any insecurity about parenting, aspirations, or just life in general. The only thing she vented about was the vague notion that “there’s always something”, and even then, it was only when big expenses cropped up in twos or threes. I’m now the age she was when she had me, working on anxiety that is definitely a family trait, and realising university and first jobs got me on a path I want out of. It feels realistic that my mother might have gone through similar things, but I still have trouble believing it (if I asked, she’d probably say projecting strength isn’t optional for a parent, and what did I expect her to do?).

      1. Paint N Drip*

        My mom is that same superhuman parent. I’m also the same age (that she always lamented was so late!) she had me and… yikes. She is not neurodivergent like my dad and me so she’s always been a glowing beacon of ‘this is what successful adulthood looks like’ that burns too bright for me at my level of adult functionality.

    9. Despachito*

      I had an idea of man-woman relationship taken from the films where the woman was almost always the person who cared about others (often too much), was the nagging, boring one and acting rather as her husband’s enemy than his partner. It was taken for granted she would always be the one sacrificing her ambitions in favor of his.

      The man was almost the one doing interesting things but disrespectful to the woman.

      My idea was that marriage is the end of life, it was weird to be a woman, and that if it is like that I would never marry.

        1. Despachito*

          No, the funny thing is that my immediate family absolutely wasn’t like that. My dad loved and respected my mom, they never fought, and when she died when I was a pre-teen he never remarried.

          I must have got this idea at least partly from the films I was watching because this was the stereotype for all of them. I think I have never seen a relationship in any film in my childhood I would be able to identify with.

    10. English Rose*

      When I (cis-female) started “developing” at age 11, my mum had the talk with me. Along with lots of strange information about eggs, I came away with the notion that because pubic hair developed at puberty, it would go away again once I was through puberty. I’m still waiting.

      2. Kathy (Not Marian) the Librarian*

        I hate to tell you, but as you get older, it goes grey! I was surprised (in my 50s!) that I started seeing grey hair there!

    11. Nachos are better than tacos*

      I thought not drinking and driving meant you weren’t supposed to drink anything while driving. I still remember being scared when my dad was drinking a mountain dew while driving that we all were going to get arrested.

      1. ProfessionalMess*

        I thought this too! And told my parents that I was worried because my grandma had been drinking AND eating while driving, which obviously was way more dangerous.

        1. Hiding my identity*

          Guess you haven’t gone through menopause yet. Sorry to be crude, but someone needs to tell women about this. Zero underarm hair anymore, no more unibrow problem (in fact brows so sparse I gave to draw them on) almost no lashes, rarely shave my legs, and for the rest. . .well. . .

          1. Seashell*

            The only thing I find different in that department are the eyebrows. I haven’t plucked in ages. Everything else is still sprouting, including chin and neck hairs.

            1. PhyllisB*

              Same here. My eyebrows are thinner, but they get wild and I have to trim them. I used to laugh at my grandfather’s busy eyebrows not to him, of course, never dreaming I would have wild eyebrows myself one day.

    12. Daisy*

      I had made the stunning observation that since the grass in the backyard grew and periodically had to be mowed, that was true of our high-pile carpet inside the house, too, and cheerfully helped out my parents with their carpet-mowing chores with a pair of scissors while they were asleep.

    13. DistantAudacity*

      I come from a place far north, so in the summer (= warm period), there is lots and lots of daylight until late evening. Light fades gradually over 1-2 hrs towards and past sunset.

      When I was about 8 we moved to Mexico for a couple of years, due to my dad’s job. In advance, everyone had told me about how it was very warm there, and lots of summer all the time, etc.

      Imagine my great disappointment when we duly arrived, and Bam! darkness fell superquick at 7pm (or whenever)! I had of course quite logically expected it to be daylight almost all of the time, since it was so warm and summery…

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, I also grew up in the far north, and I still live at 60 N, but when I was an intern in Spain, it took a while to get used to eating dinner outdoors in a tank top and shorts at 10-11 pm, in the dark. Intellectually I understood it, but it took a while for my emotions to catch up.

    14. The OG Sleepless*

      I actually threw lots of dinner parties the first several years I was married (in the 90s), but I gradually stopped as I realized they weren’t really a thing anymore and people seemed increasingly puzzled about what was going on. I still enjoy them and think it’s high time we brought them back.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        Yes! I also expected to host and attend dinner parties and had a few when we were first married (in our mid-20s, mid-1980s). Not only were people puzzled but they were also intimidated and insulted, which was when I belatedly began to learn that not everyone is given family silver and 12 place settings of china when they were married. I wasn’t trying to show off and I didn’t care what sort of plates other people owned if they invited us over…

        now we host Friday dinners fairly often for a group of friends, everyone brings something, and it’s fun and much more laid-back. I would like to use my china and silver a little more often. Ah, well.

        1. Generic Name*

          Haha. I come from another silver and china family. My mom gasped in shock and horror when I told her I sold my wedding china when I got divorced. It was purchased new, so it’s not like it was a family heirloom or anything.

          1. PhyllisB*

            Same here. I grew up with a mother who always set a beautiful table and all food was served in an attractive manner; put in pretty dishes, garnished, ect. When I married and invited my in-laws over they were extremely uncomfortable, and my mother in-law finally told me( (in a very kind manner) to please not do this anymore because no one wanted to invite me back. So I did. No one comes to our house anymore (no animosity, just everyone scattered) and hubby and I use paper plates 90% of the time.
            But sometimes I look at all my lovely things and wish I could still use them. I still garnish my food, though!!

            1. Overthinking it*

              Now that there no MIL around to object, hell, use that stuff! Pretty things are nice to see evrn if there only two of you – or even one. Enjoy! (And really, you *shouldn’t * use paper plates! The waste! The environment!)

              1. PhyllisB*

                Same here. My eyebrows are thinner, but they get wild and I have to trim them. I used to laugh at my grandfather’s busy eyebrows not to him, of course, never dreaming I would have wild eyebrows myself one day.

            2. Despachito*

              “my mother in-law finally told me( (in a very kind manner) to please not do this anymore because no one wanted to invite me back.”

              Why on Earth? What is wrong with hosting people you love with the best means you can, so that they would not invite you back?

              Were they somehow afraid that you would outshine them?

              1. goddessoftransitory*

                I thought that was shocking as well! I mean, the most charitable read is “they don’t want the endless obligation of inviting back and forth” and it was phrased really badly, but still!

                1. PhyllisB*

                  Y’all took the wrong thing from my story. When my husband and I married, only his youngest sister was also married; the other two girls were still living at home and got apartments not long after.
                  My mother-in-law was a wonderful, kind person who knew when to tell it like it is and when to keep her counsel.
                  Part of it was they didn’t grow up with things like this, and it made them extremely uncomfortable. And to be honest, I probably was being a bit of a showoff. Young wife trying to show everyone I knew how to ENTERTAIN.
                  After I quit “putting on the dog” they enjoyed our gatherings a lot better, and they did have us over. Well, my mother-in-law and married sister did, the other girls didn’t invite people over until they married themselves.
                  The only point I was trying to make is even 50 years ago people were getting away from this type of entertaining.

              2. Despachito*

                Thank you for the explanation (I can’t add it to your actual explanation), now I understand it better.

            3. Anonymous cat*

              Was she objecting to having guests at all or just bothered by the fancy china?

              IOW, would she have been happier with plastic plates and hamburgers or was it having dinners of anything that was the problem?

              I also thought adulthood meant dinner parties and such, and when I grew up was disappointed that most people didn’t do that anymore.

              When I met a few people who did have people over for dinner ( but casual place settings and atmosphere), I felt so grown up! I had arrived! :)

          2. Jay (no, the other one)*

            Six months after we were married I called my mother and asked about her vanilla sauce recipe to put on fruit. She gave me the recipe, heard we were having guests, and this ensued:

            Mom: You put the fruit in your crystal bowl…
            Me: I don’t have a crystal bowl.
            Mom (deflated): Oh. Well, I guess you could use a different kind of bowl. Then you put the vanilla sauce in a pretty little pitcher and put it out with your powdered sugar shaker…
            Me: I don’t have a powdered sugar shaker.
            Mom (shocked): You JUST GOT MARRIED.

            For Chanukah that year I received a crystal bowl and a powdered sugar shaker. I miss my mother.

            2. goddessoftransitory*

              My mom keeps sending us stuff for a way of life that has utterly vanished–one was a tray with a print of a rabbit and daffodils on it, “for serving hors d’oeuvres,” which I use to hold mail on my desk. She seemed bewildered by the notion that I wouldn’t know an hors d’ouevre if I fell over one, let alone have a bridge club or similar to serve them to.

              But the real bizarro one was a Ikea-type “bartender cart” she sent us one Christmas. We had absolutely no idea who sent it (for some reason her name wasn’t anywhere on the package and there was no gift note) or what the hell it was for, even after we got it put together. After much calling around to relatives, I finally reached her and she told me it was for “our entertaining.” I don’t know what whirl of social gaiety she thought we had as our social life!

              1. Rainy*

                I have to preface this with the fact that I married my MIL’s favorite son and she will never forgive me for it. :)

                When we were wedding planning–small wedding, paying for it ourselves, and my ADHD was undiagnosed and totally untreated at the time so the planning was really hard for me–my MIL sent me a list of 75 people that I absolutely had to invite to our <50 person wedding. One of them was some awful friend of hers that she wasn't friends with until long after my husband left home, so it's not even like he'd grown up knowing the woman. Well, Mr Rainy's brothers both knuckled under and invited this woman–we'll call her "Betty Roop"–and she did attend one of those weddings.

                For literal years afterward, whenever I saw my MIL she would complain that we hadn't invited Betty. "Betty always gives a crystal trifle dish when she's invited to someone's wedding." "Oh, don't you have a trifle dish? [BIL1] and [BIL2] both have trifle dishes because THEY invited Betty to their weddings." "Betty is so cultured, you should have invited her to your wedding."

                Oh, and neither my MIL nor Betty have ever actually made a trifle that I know of.

                1. goddessoftransitory*

                  Is Betty from 1940s Britain? Who makes trifle? I do love that an outdated dish is still the marker of “adult sophistication” for your MIL!

                2. Rainy*

                  Lol, no, just a pretentious church lady. I think MIL thinks Betty is the height of sophistication because of silly stuff like that. In-laws regard me with contempt because I grew up in the midwest, think my parents are trash because they own horses (apparently only poor people own horses, it is to laugh), and even though I’m significantly more educated than either of them, my degrees are in something “useless”. Oh and I waste my money on things like museum memberships and opera subscriptions.

                3. Irish Teacher.*

                  *laughs* It sounds like she simultaneously thinks you too cultured – with opera and museum subscriptions- and not cultured enough – not having the trifle dish and so on. I guess it’s probably not that funny dealing with her, but reading it just sounds farcical.

                4. Rainy*

                  Dealing with her is pretty farcical, actually.

                  A couple of years ago while my in-laws were visiting I had my very first gall bladder attack on the first day they were in town (not staying with us, they did that once and are no longer allowed), spent the night in the ER, and then obviously couldn’t do any of the planned activities because I could barely move. My MIL decided that I was faking sick to avoid them (gosh, I wonder why she would even suspect something like that!). When I had VERY emergent surgery a few days later, guess who I didn’t get flowers or a get well card from? :P

                5. londonedit*

                  We still have trifle in 2020s Britain, thankfully. We invariably have one at Christmas, usually Boxing Day. I don’t have a trifle dish, though – my mum does.

                  I also thought there would be a lot more dinner parties as an adult. People just don’t do dinner parties anymore! We meet friends at the pub, or we have people round for drinks, or we go to specific events with friends. I do still wish I was the sort of adult who has a circle of dinner party friends – I’m sure they do still exist!

              3. PhyllisB*

                Yes, you are correct that paper plates are wasteful, but it’s just the two of us for the most part, and I do try to use them more than once. Depending on the meal, they don’t get really messed up and you can wipe off and reuse. (Just for us!! I would never give guests reused plates!!)
                Plus I’ll use the used ones to feed the dog on ( they’re kept where no one can grab them by accident.) Or when peeling vegetables I’ll use an old one to put scraps on them and pitch.
                But to tell you the truth, even guests don’t want me using regular dishes. if I reach for a regular plate, not china, just a regular plate,they will say they’d rather I use the paper plates.

          3. goddessoftransitory*

            Apparently “good china” and the cabinet it’s stored in have gone the way of the dodo–people literally can’t give it away!

            1. Bethlam*

              This is us. We just bought a second hand China closet and table to better match our trim. Can’t find anyone who wants my old set – lovely china closet, table, and sideboard.

              Don’t have kids to pass my china to – asked my sister if I should earmark it for her granddaughter; she said no, she has a set and two sets from her mother-in-law. And none of the younger generations want it.

              1. Rainy*

                Lol we’re about to move to a much bigger place and I’m so excited we’ll finally have room to get a china hutch and display my husband’s aunt’s good china and all the glass serveware my folks are offloading on me and my sister. :) Hopefully I find someone in our new town who’s getting rid of similar furniture!

            2. Ginger Cat Lady*

              Or they do what the sellers of our house do…move away and just leave it behind! Big old ugly china closet and table. The set was WAY too big for the dining room and not our style at all.
              Called up the seller’s RE agent and asked her to have them take it away. First they tried to sell it to us for a couple thousand dollars (nope!) then they tried to ask us to sell it on craigslist and send them the money (nope!) Back and forth for WEEKS.
              Eventually we just told them that they had 48 hours to get it out of the house or we would consider it abandoned and ours to keep.
              Sold it on Craigslist for $100 and kept the cash.

      2. Not That Jane*

        Pre-pandemic, we had people over for dinner on average once a week! Colleagues, friends, family – but usually only 1-2 at a time and fairly casually. No one seemed offended or weirded out, but that is possibly because we have small kids (4 and 2 as of 2020) and they understood that going out wasn’t as much an option for us. I miss it. Feeding people tasty food is one of my minor missions in life and I don’t get as many chances to do it now.

      3. fallingleavesofnovember*

        I appreciate everyone elaborating in the comments about what dinner party means to them, because I was like ‘but we have people over all the time! It’s not dead!’ Usually just one person/family or a couple of people who know each other well already (my parents had tons of dinner parties when I was growing up and were good about mixing different groups of friends, but I find we don’t do that so much). I do usually do appetizer, main, dessert, option of pre-dinner drink, wine, and tea, and set the table nicely (no family china but nice napkins, table cloth, etc.) Interesting to hear this is less of thing with others now!

        1. Two-Faced Big-Haired Food Critic*

          We often have people over for dinner. We have a Dining Room Table. So it’s not unlike the Dinner Parties my parents used to have. Now, long ago, like Downton Abbey and earlier, so not even my parents’ day, there used to be a whole hierarchy about who sat in what proximity to the host/hostess/guest of honor. Of course we don’t do that, especially since eight is the most we can squeeze in (if two are minor children) but there’s one thing I insist on. Husband is at the head of the table (closest to front of house) and I am at the foot, opposite him. He’s up there because, well, he’s the host. I’m down there because it’s closest to the door, so I can go back and forth to the kitchen. Same way with my parents! (Except not the same house, or even the same table.)

    15. Seashell*

      When I was a kid, I thought high school was going to be like a cross between Grease and whatever Greg & Marcia were doing on The Brady Bunch. It was not like that at all.

      1. Irish Teacher.*

        I thought I’d have “free periods” or “study halls” in secondary school from reading too much American and English books. Yeah…Ireland does not do times when you don’t have classes during the school day other than break and lunch.

            1. Clisby*

              I never had both a free period and a study hall, but I had one or the other. (After a couple of days sitting through the chaos of study hall, I gained my freedom by volunteering to work in the school library. Victory! I mostly checked out books and studied on my own.)

        2. londonedit*

          I had a couple of free periods a week in the Sixth Form, which I assumed would be very glamorous thanks to American books/TV programmes but, this being Britain, were actually just quite dull.

        3. londonedit*

          More confusion from too many American high school books/TV programmes: I had no idea what ‘driver zed’ was, but it seemed extremely important in American schools (side note: American schools in general seemed impossibly glamorous and exciting. No uniforms! The terror of things called ‘pop quizzes’! Unfathomable ideas like ‘pep rallies’ and ‘proms’ and ‘the high school football team’!). It was a long, long time before I worked out it was ‘drivers’ ed’ and not ‘driver Z’ as in the British pronunciation of the letter Z. We don’t have classes to do with driving at school here (you can’t learn to drive until you’re 17, and then you just take lessons with a private driving instructor and do the theory-based study yourself with a book of the Highway Code).

          I also had no idea what ‘kindergarten’ was and assumed it was an actual garden that children went to play in.

    16. Chaordic One*

      I was an anxious child. I really thought that when I grew up I would feel less anxious, more confident, and more certain about things (life in general). Counseling has certainly helped and I have matured quite a bit, but I’m mildly disappointed that I still experience some anxiety and a fair amount of uncertainty in my life. I guess I had unrealistic expectations. Life isn’t like an episodic TV show where all your problems get solved in an hour.

      1. Annie Edison*

        Somewhere along the way, I became convinced that all relationship problems could be neatly wrapped up the way they are in episodic TV shows- a small problem occurs, feelings fester slowly over the course of the episode and eventually are revealed in a climactic moment of heightened emotion, everyone says The One Big Thing that’s bothering them, and then you apologize and the problem never comes back again. I think I’m still working through the side effects of that belief!

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        I have luckily aged out of certain anxieties–like how my hair looks. When I think of the hours, tears, and worry devoted to my hair in my teens… the heated curlers! The gel! The pleading with my bangs to stay sideswept! I fought its nature for so long.

        Nowadays as long as it’s clean, trimmed and out of my face, I know better than to ask for anything more.

    17. Water Everywhere*

      That watching The News would be the most important part of every day. My parents both worked and their after-work schedule was always get home, make dinner, eat dinner, and shoo the kids out of the living room because The News was starting.

      Childless me now suspects that this was their way of getting some kid-free decompression time every work day. Especially for my mother the teacher.

      1. Overthinking it*

        Ick! What a way to decompress! “The News” leaves me stressed and I would think it more so in the 69s 70s etc. (But maybe you grew up much later, and the local news had more “feel good” stories by that time?)

      2. Chaordic One*

        I remember my dad coming home from work and his wanting to watch the news on TV. Of course, my siblings and I wanted to watch reruns of sitcoms. (The Brady Bunch, Gilligan’s Island, The Beverly Hillbillies, et al.) My dad would force us to watch the news, but would then usually fall asleep in his chair. We’d change the channel back to the sitcoms and then he’d wake up and be mad at us. Good times.

        As an adult I grew up to emulate him and I usually watch the evening half-hour national and local evening news programs every day.

          1. Chaordic One*

            Not when watching the news. Occasionally later in the evening after dinner during prime time. LOL! ;)

      3. Pine Tree*

        I remember shushing my parents on time when the Sesame Street news came on with reporter Kermit reporting on the 3 little pigs getting their house blown down by the big bad wolf…. ha, I don’t remember my parents’ response

    18. dontbeadork*

      When I was about 4 I thought that the turn signals told the driver where to go, because they always came on and just a few moments later Mom or Dad turned in whichever direction the turn indicator was pointing. It was absolutely logical to little me.

      I’m kind of sorry that the car *doesn’t* know where I want to go and just use the blinkers to give me hints. GPS is not the same. Especially if you want if for the last mile or so but you don’t go the route it is urging you to take for the bit you’re familiar with….

    19. Annie Edison*

      I thought there would be a lot more occasions for formal wear in adult life and am still somewhat sad there are not. I love a chance to get all fancy and wear something beautiful!

      I watched and read a lot of British period pieces in which “dressing for dinner” was a normal event, and then majoring in classical music performance in college didn’t help matters, since we all dressed in formal gowns for our required recitals and the men wore (and usually owned) tuxes for all choir and ensemble performances. I often joke that my childhood left me very well prepared for life as a landed british gentrywoman.

    20. Overthinking it*

      I suspected that this whole thing about children eventually turning into adults was a myth. After all, rhen you are four or five, you’ve never actually seen it happen. Nor have you seen a one age from adult to old person. What if the whole thing was just a lie that all the adults conspired to tell – like Santa Claus?

    21. AGD*

      I have a few odd little bumps on the roof of my mouth and I asked my dentist whether they were adult teeth that just hadn’t grown in yet. Maybe he misinterpreted what I was asking, but he said yes, so I spent years dreading the pain and the idea of needing extreme orthodontia in order to move adult teeth sprouting from, basically, the front edge of my hard palate. :(

    22. Love me, love my cat*

      Probably pretty common, but when my son was very young, he was going to grow up and marry me. I think the wife he did marry is glad about that.
      That son was an only child, not the dozen or so I pictured when I was 12 years old and in a Mother Earth phase.

      1. Love me, love my cat*

        I meant glad that he married her! Need to learn to proofread before hitting submit!!

    23. FLuff*

      I expected the Adult Fairy Elf to come in my sleep and one day magic me into adult wisdom, success and wealth.

      When I got older I still thought one day I would wake up and just be an adult. Like bam – you are now an ADULT. With adult thoughts, adult politeness and magically fit in.

      Welp.

    24. MeetMoot*

      As a teen I was excited about adulthood because I thought adults treated each other with respect and were socially/emotionally mature. I assumed that by 25 (at the latest) people would stop being passive aggressive, rude, inconsiderate, selfish, thoughtless, entitled, manipulative, self-centred etc.
      I was horrified in my first full-time job fresh out of high-school to learn that that’s absolutely not the case and adults are, in many cases, just children and teenagers who aged.

    26. Mystery*

      I thought both quicksand and the Bermuda Triangle would be much more present and dangerous in my daily life.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I’ve seen the memes about how all 90s kids are shocked that quick sands are really not a problem in their adult lives!

    27. Slinky*

      I thought that all adults forgot what it was like to be a child. This was based on observations of adults in my own life who seemed to have no idea what it was like to be a teenager. Obviously, I knew that my parents had once been my age, but as far as I could tell, their memories of the time had been wiped clean. So I documented everything. Things I was definitely going to remember, like the names of my best friends and teacher or that we went to Disney World, so that I could remind myself of all these things I was certain I would forget. I find those notes now, and I’m like, why did I think I was going to forget that?

    28. Heffalump*

      I thought that when people grew up, they lost their first names and became just Mr., Mrs., or Miss Lastname. “Ms.” was some years in the future at the time.

        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          Me too! Not mentioning the details because it was at the place we don’t talk about on the weekends. Suffice it to say that it’s really validating to know I am showing up the way I want to show up and my kid heard that.

    2. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I had two fun theatre outings! First an outdoor, all female version of the Scottish play, and then the musical Come From Away (which I was seeing for the first time and had invited my Mum too – as expected, she loved it!)

      The place we don’t mention on weekends was a bit stressful this week so it was nice to have those evening highlights even though I’m now exhausted!

      1. Knighthope*

        Loved “Come From Away”! You might like “The Day the World Came to Town” by Jim DeFede.

    3. Lala*

      after 4 years, one of our cats is finally really starting to make herself more at home, including sometimes being in fairly close quarters with the other cat. I wasn’t home to see it, but I heard that today they were sitting on the floor within a foot of each other.

    4. Teapot Translator*

      I finished the cream cheese and the bagels at the same time! It was such a perfect moment.

    5. chocolate muffins*

      Got to hang out with a friend who lives in a different city and whom I haven’t seen in a while!

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      We’re rewatching Dark Shadows! It’s a blast because we remember the basics and can see how early certain plot threads got laid down.

      2. GoryDetails*

        I loved that show! Are you doing the drinking-game version? Take a drink whenever somebody bumps the scenery and the obviously-cardboard bits sway (or topple over completely)… no, maybe that’d be too risky!

        1. Peanut Hamper*

          Thought about doing this with the original Star Trek whenever William Shatner chews the scenery, but realized I would be passed out by the end of the second episode, lol!

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          We’d be smashed in short order!

          Dark Shadows is so charming in its combination of professionalism and sixth grade Thanksgiving pageant–because they were on such a tight shooting schedule nothing short of actually falling on one’s face or walking through a wall was a reason to do a second take. Watching the actors flub their lines and then self correct in real time with absolutely straight faces is heartwarming.

          1. Chaordic One*

            The sincerity and earnestness, as well as the commitment of the actors to their roles, is indeed charming. It allows the viewer to overlook when props fail or when special effects aren’t that special and you can see the wires or when they forget or flub their lines. I’ve also noticed this is old episodes of the original Dr. Who and the original Star Trek.

          2. Clisby*

            Oh, yeah, I remember one episode where a couple of actors were out in the woods – one bumped against a “tree”, which immediately started shaking. They went right on with the show.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Oh, do! If there’s one thing DS can be counted on for, it’s “you thought THAT plotline was insane? Hold my bourbon!”

          Also, check out the priceless website Dark Shadows Every Day, where each episode is exhaustively and hilariously reviewed, along with the novels, comic books, board game…
          Link below:

          2. Elizabeth West*

            I have been to that website; I was tweeting screenshots for a while while watching and adding my own captions, and I would watch an episode and then read the review.

          3. Clisby*

            I loved the way once a storyline was getting a little old, somebody would go in that room that took you to another time dimension and all of a sudden, there was a whole different plot, only with the same actors.

      4. GoryDetails*

        Fun fact for “Dark Shadows” fans: the S. E. Hinton novel Hawkes Harbor is “Dark Shadows” fan-fic with (most of) the serial numbers filed off; main character “Jamie” is Willie Loomis, etc. [At one point, in the edition I read, there was a reference to Collinsport; the cut-and-paste to Hawkes Harbor had missed that one, I guess!] It’s not awesome literature, but I did find it a rather fun spin on the series.

    7. Bethlam*

      Have been dealing with some severe back pain for over a month; first thought was cancer is back and tumors pressing on a nerve. Oncologist ordered MRI, and nothing, yay! Then PCP said even if I went to a back specialist, first thing they’d probably do would be to prescribe Prednisone to see if it’s an inflammation, so that’s what he did. Had some relief in 12 hours, today is day 4 of Prednisone and all I have left is a twinge. So great to be able to get back to my routine.

    8. Jay*

      I discovered a great new podcast!
      It’s called Undertow, and it has a more of a action oriented, fast paced plot style than most of the long form, slow building, phycological themed horror podcasts that I’ve listened to. Don’t get me wrong, I loved, say, Tanis. But, sometimes, I just want to listen to rampaging werewolves.

        1. un chip más chill*

          Horror algae is actually kind of close to the plot of What Moves The Dead, t. Kingfisher (just finished it, fun and quick novella reimagining fall of the house of usher )

        2. Jay*

          Ha!
          It took me entirely too long to figure out what you were talking about.
          So far, algae is only tangentially related to the podcast. Although I’ve only finished about one and a half seasons (there is a different story line each season), so, who knows? Maybe next season ;)

    9. allathian*

      Picked the black currant bushes clean and pruned them. Or rather, my son did most of the work while my sister and I cheered him on. Together we decided which branches to cut.

      1. Girasol*

        Are we supposed to prune right after picking? I thought we were supposed to wait until late winter but I’m still just learning currants and still learning how to decide what to cut. Got a good crop this year, though, and froze them so I can sprinkle a bit of summer into my breakfasts all winter long.

        1. allathian*

          You can do either. I find it’s easier to do it right after picking rather than wait until spring. Fall is generally too wet here and we get snow every year. You aren’t supposed to prune them when they’re sprouting new leaves in the spring, but dead branches are harder to find if they’re dormant.

          1. Girasol*

            A beginning currant gardener thanks you! I wasn’t sure when I planted them if I’d like currants but it turns out I love them. I can tell that the difference between a “meh” crop and a big one is good pruning.

            1. allathian*

              Indeed. The best crop comes from branches that are 3-5 years old. When they get dark and woody, it’s time to prune them. Only leave enough of the very young branches to replace the pruned ones, there are always more young than old ones, and if you don’t prune some of those, your bush will get jungly and it’ll be difficult to pick all the currants.

              My MIL planted our currant bushes in her garden in 2005 or thereabouts. They were transplanted to our garden in 2013. We moved to our current home that was build for us in the summer of 2012, but we started the garden the following year. I can’t say I enjoyed living on a worksite for nearly a year but it was certainly a lot easier to start the garden when we already lived here than it would’ve been if we’d lived elsewhere.

              I must admit that we were a bit lazy with the pruning for a while, but we had a bumper crop this year after pruning last year. But we were probably a bit too conservative with the pruning last year, the bushes look much better now and I’m hoping for an even bigger crop next year. We had a warm summer with a lot of rainshowers, so we didn’t have to water our garden too much. The currants were ready for harvesting two weeks earlier than usual thanks to the long, mostly sunny summer.

              My maternal grandmother had currant bushes that were planted in the early 1950s that were still going strong thanks to pruning when she died in the late 1980s. For all I know, they’re still there. When my grandma died, the estate sold her homestead because none of the kids wanted to stay there, the new owners tore down the old house and built a new one on the old foundations and the garden may still be there.

              I enjoy frozen currants on my morning oatmeal in winter, they’re a great source of vitamin C. We also have a juicer, and we make unsweetened juice concentrate to put in the freezer. My sister’s a fan, but neither my husband nor our son enjoy it… I generally dilute it with Sprite or a generic substitute.

    10. Might Be Spam*

      I got some free tickets to Irish Fest in Milwaukee this weekend. I always go for the whole weekend. After years of inviting my kids who never wanted to go, I finally stopped asking.
      Last week (out of the blue) my daughter asked for tickets and I wasn’t sure I could get enough free ones. (I wonder if it’s due to her new boyfriend. If so, then he’s a keeper.) A friend couldn’t go and gave me her tickets.
      I also got some discount parking passes because I’m a volunteer. it’s nice to know I won’t have any trouble parking.
      I don’t know if I can get them to dance. I did promise to get them partners who know what they’re doing, so I have my fingers crossed.
      It will take me most of next week to recover, but it’s worth it.

      1. Might Be Spam*

        UPDATE: My daughter danced two ceili dances and her boyfriend just watched. She did very well, especially since the first dance didn’t have a full walk through first. I got her between experienced dancers and it worked out. I don’t know if she’ll try it again and I’m OK with that. I just wanted to share something that I greatly enjoy.

    11. English Rose*

      Had my hair highlighted. It looks lovely and has really wakened up my skin tone. Really happy – and privileged to have the money to do it and maintain it.

    13. The other sage*

      Buying and playing the game Quilts and Cats of Calico. It’s an adorable puzzle board game with cats on it :3

    14. BellaStella*

      Joys this week included lots of evening and weekend play time with my 11year old kitty, helping a friend brainstorm stuff, and hiking a couple of days! Also the hike with friend who is gossipy (i asked about how to cope in last weekend’s thread) went ok as there were other people. The one time she asked “is anyone at w0rk pregnant?” was met with a no and all of us moved on so it was a good day avoiding gossip too!

    15. Healthcare Worker*

      My father turns 100 in a couple.of weeks and we have family coming in from all over the country to celebrate him. I never expected such a wonderful turn out and I’m so excited to see relatives I haven’t seen in years. It’s so nice to gather for a happy event!

      3. BellaStella*

        Congrats! My dad was born in 1924 too… tho he made it only to 89. Please wish your father a very happy birthday from this internet stranger! What an amazing lifetime to have lived thru so many incredible events and changes!

    16. AlexandrinaVictoria*

      I’ve had the ear infection and sinus infection from hell, and nothing seemed to be touching them. We finally found the right antibiotic and I’m starting to feel better. Such a relief!

    17. Elizabeth West*

      We had a proper thunderstorm the other day! It had actual lightning and thunder. Usually it just dumps rain straight down off and on like a faucet. I enjoyed it. And, it cooled off a bit afterward so I opened the windows and got some fresh air in here. :)

    18. fposte*

      I had a dreamy kayak outing! I went along a river that’s the source of a big lake. It was a beautiful day the river opened up with cool grasses along the sides; I saw a kingfisher and a cool little water snake. At the south end I got blocked, as I knew I would be, by beautiful, surreal American lotus plants (think water lilies but bigger, with flowers higher than head height as you paddle) that had filled the water from the north end of the lake to the south end of the river. Just amazing.

      And as I admired it, I realized I was hearing women’s voices; I at first thought they were on the land, but then I saw the tops of two heads among the lotus. Then they heard me and called to me, which sounds like Odysseus being lured to a terrible fate among the lotus. But it actually turned out to be two delightful women who had found a little clearing in the lotus. So I forged my way in (the trick is to pull your way through on the stalks rather than just paddling), we had a delightful visit, and then paddled back together. Serendipity is one of my favorite things ever so this was a fabulous, a little bit in both senses of the word, day.

    19. Annie Edison*

      I walked up a different street than usual in my neighborhood and discovered a slightly eccentric older gentleman a few blocks away has turned his postage stamp front yard into a bookstore, complete with cozy reading nook set up on the porch. We’re talking multiple bookcases stuffed with books of every type, a well-stocked children’s section, and a hand-lettered sign naming it “Book a Buck” (a smaller sign explains that all books are $1, unless you don’t have money, in which case you should still take and enjoy a book)

      2. Peanut Hamper*

        Goodness! There’s my old man goal right there! This guy sounds awesome. Our world needs more people like him.

    20. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      After a year and a half, my remodel is FINALLY DONE! (Except for two closet floors and the baseboards in one room. Naturally.) I started with three bedrooms that were all painted landlord taupe and had crappy carpet, destroyed by cats in two of the three, and a powder room that felt super cramped because the fixtures were way too big for the room and also had awful sharp jagged textured drywall and water-damaged black flooring that didn’t match anything else in the house.

      Now all four rooms have lovely medium hickory laminate flooring, the powder room is eggplant purple with white and silver fixtures that fit it, and I have a grass green guest room, a sunny orange craft room, and a bright red exercise room. As soon as I finish actually arranging everything into the rooms where it belongs. (I am graphing out my craft room on graph paper this weekend to figure out how best to fit the floor loom, the work table and the supply storage.)

    21. Irish Teacher.*

      Trip to Connemara, which really is incredibly beautiful and which included a boat trip across a lake to an island with a number of remains from early Christian Ireland. Two things I love – water and Celtic history, so remains of Celtic history on an island is pretty awesome.

      And finally getting the glasses I ordered in early July. Apparently, they were out of the frames or something.

    22. The Dude Abides*

      Got to teach a lesson on the hardwood about judging based on appearance.

      Played some pickup basketball at the local Y with a bunch of 20something high school athletes (I’m 37yo, 5’7/160 and look like a nerd or a fucking geek). The regulars know to take me serious – I answer to Running Man more than my given name. This time, it was mostly people I didn’t recognize. Once the matchups were set, the regulars on the side warned my opponent, and I heard him talk shit.

      Short version – I went off like Billy Hoyle.

      Rebounded, forced bad shots (both from my assignment and when helping), stripped the ball, scored from odd angles no one expects from someone my size, and just annoyed the hell out of the opponents – near the end, my primary defender was trying to subtly grab my shirt or waistband to slow me down.

      For me, my lunchtime trips to the Y have done wonders for my mental health as well as physical, and trips like that are why.

    23. BikeWalkBarb*

      Today on a bike ride to go pick blackberries I saw two yearling deer in a neighbor’s yard, heard a big owl hooting in the park near my home, then saw a bunny running across a yard. I came home with 7 pounds of blackberries to add to the 2 pounds of blueberries I picked earlier in the day with one of my best friends. Future jam, chutney, berry-flavored vinegar.

    24. Tea & Sympathy*

      My brother very generously gave me the last cucumber from his garden. And also some tomatoes.

  4. Clearance Issues*

    i had a long work related trip this last week, but how do y’all decompress from the airplane and the chaos of travel?
    I was thinking of going on a hike and doing some art in pretty places but I’d love more suggestions.

    1. Lala*

      is there a compilation of 2024 book recs or a place I can find them without going back through all the weekend posts 1 by 1? I’m trying to make a list for the library.

      1. Slinky*

        Alison usually does a round-up near the end of the year, so there will likely be one in a few months.

    2. Janesfriend*

      I always find water fixes travel ennui (and most other problems), so I recommend a swim (ideally in the sea or a lake, but I realise that might not be possible everywhere)

      1. chocolate muffins*

        Or a bath – that always helps me decompress. Also reading an easy novel (easy to follow, not emotionally draining). I love the idea of hiking after a long flight and may adopt that for my own future self.

      2. Not A Manager*

        I read the first half of the sentence and legit thought you were recommending drinking a lot of water. Which does cure most of my ills.

        2. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

          Honestly, that’s a good idea too. Travel is very dehydrating, between the dry air on planes and not having easy access to water.

    3. AcademiaNut*

      I try to stay awake on a local schedule, drink lots of water and eat simple, healthy foods with lots of salad. I also tend to read a lot of novellas, because they don’t require too long an attention span.

      One thing I find really helps is leaving my apartment clean, tidy and stocked with cold drinks, popsicles and a meal in the freezer. That way I come home to a pleasant apartment, can shower, re-hydrate and have some soothing food, and crawl into a bed with clean sheets for a nap.

      FWIW, most of my work travel involves 6-12 time zones, so overcoming jetlag is the biggest issue.

      1. BellaStella*

        Same habits here on stocking stuff in the fridge and staying hydrated. Also travel ridiculous time zones. But for me valerian root helps me reset and sleep as I get badly jetlagged even with morning sun exposure and walking outside etc. Also I take a day off after returning from a big trip to be calm and unpack and all that.

    4. Business traveler*

      You wanna know the secret to surviving air travel? After you get where you’re going, take off your shoes and your socks then walk around on the rug bare foot and make fists with your toes.

      1. Tiny Clay Insects*

        I dunno, then if I have to defeat Hans Gruber it’s going to cause some problems.

  5. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

    That sounds so peaceful! Maybe a massage or other spa treatment that feels rejuvenating?

  6. History video games?*

    I’ve been really enjoying history podcasts and historical fiction books lately, and I have gamer kids (aged 6 and 10). I was wondering if anyone had any ideas for computer games (on Steam) with a historical theme to unite our interests! So ideally nothing super violent (I’m more interested in social history than wars etc anyway) but doesn’t need to be worthy or overtly educational. I just feel like there are so many games out there these days, there must be some great ones for exploring history. Thanks for any suggestions!

    1. Feeling Feline*

      Sakuna: Of Rice and Ruin, is very very strong on Japanese history, including people of different walks of life in historical ficitonal Definitely Not Japan, and how they learn about each others’ culture. Half of it anyway, the other half is hard core rice growing emulator. As in, upon first release players asked for the farming walkthrough, and the devs sent them to agricultural sites.

      1. Catherine*

        This is one of my favorite games and I know more about rice blight now than I ever expected to learn.

    2. costello music*

      well, there’s the whole assassin’s creed franchise. i can’t speak to the quality of the newer ones (only played a little of odyssey), and haven’t played front to back of the ones i’m gonna mention, so grain of salt but: 1-3, revelations, and black flag are amazing from what i have played/watched my brother do.

      1. costello music*

        i should probably add more context lol.

        you’re essentially an assassin playing against the templar order. you’re taken across multiple time periods (ac 1 is during the crusades, 2 is late italian renaissance, etc) and there’s intrigue, family dynamics, sea faring (black flag) and so much more. yes there is violence (murder) but i don’t think it’s like, actually violent. you stab someone and that’s that.

        1. Banana Pyjamas*

          Black Flag was my favorite! The follow up Rogue was cool from my perspective because some of my ancestors were mentioned.

          The most important thing to know is that they completely redid the game mechanics, so everything from Odyssey onward plays differently.

        2. ecnaseener*

          Most of the more recent titles do have you partake in battles (Odyssey has full-on battles between armies as well as naval battles, Valhalla has raiding monasteries and storming castles, Rogue and Black Flag have naval battles and piracy).

          Even in the other titles that aren’t so war-focused, I would hardly say the violence is limited to “you stab someone and that’s that.” In every game, you’re pretty frequently going to be in combat with groups of guards at the least.

          That said, I agree these games are awesome for getting to explore a historical setting, so if the asker is fine with some combat, the less-battle-heavy titles in reverse publication order with their settings:
          – Mirage: 9th century Baghdad
          – Origins: Ptolemaic Egypt, specifically during Cleopatra’s reign
          – Syndicate: Victorian London
          – Unity: Paris during the French Revolution
          – #3: 1760s-1780s Boston & NYC
          – Liberation: should be bundled with #3; 1760s Louisiana
          – #2: Renaissance Italy
          – #1: 12th century Holy Land

    3. The golden typewriter*

      The anno games? I enjoy anno 1800. It’s a really fun city builder set in…. The 1800’s. Nothing crazy in content, there is a backstory murder, but it’s relatively light. Not too much history, but still shows the progress of society, and how it advances from small villages to great skyscraper cities.

    4. gamer girl!!!!*

      Get them into Europa Universalis
      Don’t do that, but Age of Empires II and Civilisation series are both good historical strategy games. They’re fairly complex, but I had fun playing the easy AI, even if I didn’t always win. Age of Empires can be quite bloody, but Civ violence is fairly cartoonish. Civilisation can also be played pass-and-play, so you can all take turns controlling different civilisations on the same computer.

    5. illuminate*

      -A Tale in the Desert is an MMO set in Ancient Egypt that’s more about developing skills and building structure alongside other people than anything else. No violence.
      -Honestly, at 6, the Carmen Sandiego games are awesome.
      -Ticket to Ride is a board game that you can also play digitally on Steam. The goal is to connect cities by building railroads in the age when those were all the rage! Many different world maps have been released.
      -When I was a smaller kid, I played a series of edutainment games called Jumpstart, which included some historical content. I’m not sure if they survived the jump from CD games to Steam, but some you may be able to find probably-not-entirely-legally on old media preservation sites.

    6. amoeba*

      Kingdom Come Deliverance? It’s a medieval RPG that’s apparently really trying to be pretty accurate. Not sure which ages it’s suitable for, definitively mainly for adults! But not, like, too brutal or gory, I think, think more like adult language and themes. It’s czech, so, you know.

    7. Medicated Ginzo*

      Some weirdo recs…

      Pentiment: fantastic, beautiful role-playing/adventure game about a murder at a medieval monestary. Both historical and about history – what is preserved, what is forgotten, and what gets willfully misremembered? It does get pretty heavy; the Steam page has a comprehensive summary of the mature content.

      The Cat and the Coup: short, free, visually striking game about the 1953 coup in Iran

      Elsinore: what if you could play through the events of Hamlet as Ophelia, and then things got weird? More literature than history, but IMO pretty delightful.

      Astrologaster: Elizabethan musical comedy where you play as Simon Forman, infamous occultist quasi-doctor

      The Last Express: mystery adventure game set during the leadup to WWI. It’s old and janky and could be boring for younger kids, but it’s one of my all time favorites.

  7. Feeling Feline*

    Anyone else’s cat is jealous of any inanimated thing that you pay attention to? My cat is aiming to outcute my book, by inserting his furry little face inbetween me and the book. I suppose this is slightly nicer than pacing on my face.

    1. Clara Bowe*

      Ha! Yes! My older girl cat HATES my Switch. If I am on it for more than ten minutes and she isn’t napping, she will hop up and start yelling.

      NGL, she is valid in her hatred….

      1. Jackalope*

        One of our cats is the opposite. Once when he was a kitten he saw cat tv (videos of birds and squirrels and other small animals) and it convinced him that TV Is Good. So whenever I’m playing a video game or my husband is watching tv, he likes to come join us and use us as a cat cushion. Sometimes for hours at a time.

    2. Lala*

      I had a furry heating pad ( a gift, before it died) that the cats didn’t much like. I think they might have thought it was another animal? The cat who sleeps with me would prefer I neither read nor use any devices. She particularly dislikes the devices, and will sometimes huff off if I use them.

    3. Evil Emu*

      I have two identical stuffed emu toys. They are about 2 feet high and very lifelike. Our cat took a huge dislike to ONE of them. No matter how high up on a shelf or pile of boxes I would put it, she would find a way to bring it down and “kill” it. Never touched the other one.

    4. Nicosloanita*

      My kitten is at war with my laptop. Her joy in life is to jump on it with all four feet from a distance, pressing as many buttons as possible, and spring onwards to another perch when I react. Partly, I realize this is her reacting to my absorption in the laptop (she doesn’t want me to look at clicky box, she wants me to look at her) as well as the fact that this is a reliable way to get a reaction out of me, eg a sign that I need to play with her more. Partly, kittens are really just as*holes in the same way tweens and teens are; they love to irk you on purpose for reasons of their own. Also I swear she must get satisfaction out of the feeling/sound of pressing buttons with her paws.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        Ha, yes! One of our first foster cats was constantly on my partner’s laptop keyboard. Typed several Slack messages, activated all sort of obscure settings, would always come back if shooed away. Partner said it must be because the laptop was warm, and the cat wanted to feel comfortable. I would then point out that the cat only did this on his laptop, because he was his favourite human and it was specifically his attention he wanted.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      Peanut Cat is jealous when I lie on my side in bed; he always comes up behind me and meows/paws my head until I turn over and pet him. There is no reason he couldn’t just come up to the direction I’m facing but no.

    6. Sparkle llama*

      My small mammal friends (rabbits and chinchillas) have grabbed my phone and books out of my hands to make it clear they are the most important.

    8. Morning Reader*

      My theory is that this isn’t jealousy so much as not understanding what you are doing. I think they think, “she is staring at this object in front of her, she must need a cat there.” Putting themselves at the point of your focus.

    9. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      My mom’s cat used to lay on her knitting. My dog will swat my phone out of my hand if he wants scritches

    10. Bird names*

      In some cases it’s also wanting to be involved in the activity, because they like us and want to show their support. If they can mimic with something of their own, it does help to reduce some of the *inserting in front of your face*. Some fibercraft people apparently do that by sharing their current project, e.g. kitty gets its own bit of smaller fabric to lounge on.
      But sometimes they just think we desperately need a screen break. *wry*

    11. Non non non all the way home*

      My cat just inserted himself between my keyboard and screen as I was reading your post!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I was wondering last week what work related topic resulted in zucchini suggestions, myself.

  9. Mary Quite Contrary*

    I was living with my dad until he passed away. I was then living with family members while I settled things with my dad’s estate. Now it’s time to get my own place and I have no idea where to start. Is it better to rent or buy? Is there anything to watch out for? Any advice is appreciated and thank you in advance.

    1. Colonel Custard in a Stuffed Animal Machine*

      I’m sorry about your loss.

      The first usual advice is not to make any huge decisions in the first year. Which I think suggests you should rent for a while rather than buy. Also, if you aren’t sure what city or neighborhood you want to live in, I’ve heard some folks will go stay at a short-term rental or hotel in different places to get a feel for the place before you decide. Although I loathe AirBnB, that seems like a good idea to me. Good luck!

    2. AcademiaNut*

      Renting is a good way to start out – it’s much easier to break a lease than dump a house purchase you regret, there’s less initial outlay of money, and if you’re starting from scratch, you won’t have to buy everything at once.

      One major thing to keep in mind is that you’ve got price, location, amenities/niceness, and size, and unless you’re really wealthy, you’ve got to prioritize one of them. A bigger place on the outskirts of town, vs a tiny place in a great location, etc. Exactly what you get for your money is strongly dependent on what the local housing market is like, but you need to start with a realistic idea of what’s possible.

      Read up on the local rental laws, so you know what the rules are about things like how much deposit they can charge, under what circumstances your landlord can enter your apartment, what sort of entrances you’re required to have on suites, terms for ending a lease on both sides and if/when a lease goes month to month, whether the landlord is expected to carpet clean/paint between tenants. If a landlord wants something that’s illegal, it’s a red flag – they’re either trying to exploit you, or don’t know how to landlord properly.

      Ask about what utilities you need to pay for, and how they will be set up (by the landlord or you). In an apartment building ask about things like garbage collection and laundry. If you’re renting a suite in a home, specifically ask about things like your landlord entering your suite (home-owners have a tendency to think that because it’s their home, they can come in whenever they want, which is usually illegal), and whether you’re allowed to have guests. If you smoke (tobacco or marijuana) or have pets, explicitly ask about that.

      Look under the sink and in cupboards to check for roach/mouse droppings. Check the water pressure and temperature in the shower.

      If you get an unfurnished place, you don’t need to buy everything at once. At the start, you need something to sleep on, something to sit on and eat at, some cleaning supplies and a minimal set of cookware. You can pick up other stuff as you decide what you want. Also, if the place needs a good cleaning, it’s easiest to do before you move in a lot of furniture.

    3. Banana Pyjamas*

      Better to rent or buy is market dependent and a personal preference. I personally would rent a single family property 1) because it’s just so expensive, but 2) because owners in single family neighborhoods tend to be extremely derisive toward renters.

      1. Snoozing not schmoozing*

        That would very much depend on where you live. There are houses in my urban neighborhood that are rental properties that we didn’t know about for years. It’s a mix of young families, retirees, singles, and every other possible resident, and the rental houses look like the same generic brick bungalows as the bought properties. Renters are treated the same as everyone else here.

        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          Same here. Suburban end of a city, mix of single-family homes and twins with a few small apartment buildings as you go toward the more urban area. I know one half of the twin across from us in a rental only because the tenants told us. I’m sure there are others and we don’t have any idea who they are. Then again, I tend to identify my neighbors by their dogs. The three huskies next door, the pug down the street, the Great Pyrenees on the corner, the Portuguese water dogs on the next block….

      2. dontbeadork*

        I’ll have to admit that I have no idea which of my neighbors are renting and which are buying/have bought their houses. And I’ve lived here about 30 years.

        Clearly that’s an area dependent thing.

    4. chocolate muffins*

      I too am sorry for your loss. In a situation where I was still grieving or dealing with any kind of fall-out after a death (emotional or logistical), I would want to make everything else in my life as easy as possible. That would point me toward renting rather than buying so that if something broke, I could get the landlord to fix it for me with one phone call and not worry about paying extra for it. Not all landlords are like this, but it’s technically their responsibility (at least in most places, if not all), and at the end of the day if something doesn’t get fixed it’s mostly their problem because it’s their property that gets damaged and you can leave if it gets too broken for you.

    5. Grey Coder*

      My sister (lifelong apartment renter) was surprised at the expense and effort required in house maintenance and homeownership in general when we were considering what to do with our late father’s house. I don’t know how much you were exposed to all of that with your father.
      Do some research into the full costs of each option in your area. It’s fine to rent while you figure things out!

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        Same with my brother who has rented in a big city his entire life. He managed our mother’s finances and the day-to-day issues with the house for the last five years of her life and he was unpleasantly surprised by the experience. At one point we considered redoing a bathroom to make it more accessible. I’ve done four major home renovations in a much lower COL area so I took the cost of our bathroom renovation and doubled it for a rough estimate. He was dumbstruck. We didn’t do it.

      2. Girasol*

        It used to be good advice to buy and start building equity in a house rather than giving your money to a landlord. But everything I’ve read lately says that reasoning doesn’t hold today. You’re probably better off renting. If in your area it really does make sense to buy, you can still afford to rent for awhile, take your time, get back on your feet, and study up on what home buying and home ownership entail.

    6. Jay (no, the other one)*

      I’m sorry for your loss. The answer depends on so many variables that it’s impossible to answer. We rented for ten years because we moved around a lot. We wanted to buy for financial reasons (to build equity and take advantage of the mortgage deduction) but mostly because wanted complete control over our space. I do mean *complete* control – we will never live anywhere with HOA rules about landscaping or house colors. My husband is very handy so we rarely have to call a plumber or handyman. If it were just me, it would be way more challenging to deal with the inevitable issues that pop up when you own. It’s easier to call the landlord when something breaks.

      If you know exactly where you want to live, then it might make more sense to buy. It will take longer to get in someplace and it will be harder to predict the money you’ll need to spend because things will pop up. If you’re not sure, then renting for a while helps you “try out” neighborhoods and learn about what works for you and what doesn’t. All those moves taught us what we needed in a kitchen, for example, and what “amenities” didn’t matter to us at all.

    7. Person from the Resume*

      Renting is generally easier in that if anything goes wrong, you can call the landlord and it’s their job to fix it. I don’t know how much home care you took care of when you lived with others, but it is pricey and potentially anxiety inducing.

      I had a friend but after moving every couple of years, but she sold after a couple of years because she was so stressed by homeownership.

      Also consider homeowners insurance price is rising fast in some places. And taxes. Those costs can go up even if your mortgage stays the same.

      You should buy if you’re prepared for responsibility of homeownership. Have poached a place you plan to stay out for a good number of years.

      I remember being in the military (before the housing bubble burst) and people buying house and selling them after 3 years for profit, but that was the bubble. You need to stay put longer than that to break even.

  10. costello music*

    my house smells like garbage. and it originates from the garbage. i do clean it, but maybe my way is the one way you shouldn’t do lol (soap). how do i make my house not smell like garbage? or like, keep the garbage can actually clean?

    (yes i do air out my house as much as i can, which helps, but obviously i can’t keep windows open 24/7. yes i do use candles and febreeze but that only lasts so long.)

    1. RagingADHD*

      I rarely need to clean the garbage can. When I do, I use any kind of disinfectant or all purpose spray cleaner. How often do you take the garbage out? Does it still smell when it’s empty?

      Do you use a liner?

      Any chance there’s been some residue in a spot you may have missed, like the channels around the lid, or in the hinges?

    2. Sloanicota*

      My bins themselves seem to get very stinky very easily. I find a hose and some bleach spray or baking soda mixed in water are good to clean them out. Also, I’ve had a surprising amount of success just leaving them outside on hot sunny days – I guess sunshine and heat bake away some slimy leftover bacteria juice.

    3. Aphrodite*

      For my garbage and also for my cat litter, I use container plastic pet food storage containers. The tops open and one end has a locking mechanism. No wheels for me. I line them with garbage bags so they stay clean and no odors can escape.

      1. Aphrodite*

        Oops, I see you meant the outside garbage can. All my garbage is tied up tightly in plastic bags so no odors can escape the plastic bags.

    4. ThatOtherClare*

      My garbage doesn’t smell unless it has chicken in it. Raw or cooked, if chicken goes in the bin the bin must be emptied before I leave the house/go to bed. It gets very bad in summer, but it happens even in the middle of winter. So long as I’m religious about making sure even the tiniest chicken scraps and juices go outside, the rest of the garbage (including other meats) isn’t a problem.

      1. Dwight Schrute*

        Ugh I had some chicken go bad and tossed it yesterday and forgot to take the trash out and my house has smelled awful all day! I’m hoping it airs out soon because it’s nasty

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I hate when that happens. In a small house or apartment, it seems to go everywhere. I end up just taking it out more often.

          When I had an outside can, I would lay it down on the ground and hose it out every once in a while.

      2. My Brain is Exploding*

        We put chicken scraps in the freezer and take them out to the trash when we put the trash cans out out to the curb.

        2. dontbeadork*

          We do that with anything that’s likely to get super stinky quickly. There’s a designated spot in the freezer for it, and whomever is storing the bag announces to the other that it’s there.

    5. MissGirl*

      I live alone and my garbage starts to stink before it’s full. I’m now using grocery store plastic bags and take it out a lot more often. You could also buy a mini composter and put food scraps in it.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        This. I buy cheap garbage bags and just take the garbage out more often. I’ve never understood the impulse to fill a garbage bag so full it’s at risk of bursting. It’s so much easier to take a bag out of the bin when it’s not crammed full of stuff, and very satisfying to know I won’t have to pick up garbage from a bag that has burst on the way out the door.

      2. Cardboard Marmalade*

        Seconding this. Keeping organic water out of your garbage is the best way to keep it from smelling bad. If there is a local compost pickup service, that could be a good option. If there’s really no way that you can compost, you can still separate food scraps AS IF you were going to compost them– but instead, just put them into a small countertop container with a plastic bag liner, and then every night tie off the bag and put it in the freezer. Then on trash day, throw the frozen bagged food scraps into your trash bag and put it out for collection.

        1. Cardboard Marmalade*

          *Organic WASTE, sorry about not catching that autocorrect. I realize “organic water” paints a slightly grosser picture than I was intending XD

        2. MJ*

          A single friend of mine just keeps her organic compost bag in the freezer and puts scraps directly into it.

    6. Courageous cat*

      Get a reasonably nice trash can with a good lid on it. Mine never, ever smells. I think it’s like a Simplehuman one by Target or something for like $80.

      1. Banana Pyjamas*

        This really does make all the difference. The simple human trash can with the full size pedal is awesome. The custom liners are nice, but normal bags fit fine, and we like the lavender ones anyway.

        1. Isabel Archer*

          Seconding this. My SH can with foot pedal never releases any odors. It has its limits of course — stinky paper wrap from fresh fish filets or what have you. In that case, I follow the same strategy as Double Bubble’s comment below. I have a separate bag in my freezer that’s the last thing to go into the trash bag before I take out the trash.

          Also recommend sprinkling some baking soda between bag and can.

      2. Texan in exile on her phone*

        That Simple Human trash can – at full price even, is what I got instead of an engagement ring. (It’s what I wanted.)(And a trip to Paris.)

    7. Double Bubble*

      I’ve found it helpful to put stinky things in the freezer until trash day. This includes chicken & the packaging, meats, melon rinds, a grease can…

      1. Jay*

        This right here!
        I’ve been doing it myself for a couple of years now and it’s a life saver, especially during the summer months.
        I would have the choice of either a horrible smelling apartment, or taking out the trash at least once a day, if not more, often for only one single item, like grounds for one single mug of coffee or the shells of two eggs.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        Ditto, except for me it’s compost. I keep it in the freezer in a pot until it’s full, and then dump it in my compost bin in the yard. Because the garbage bin in my kitchen doesn’t generally have food items in it, doesn’t smell even though it can take a while to fill up the liner bag.

    8. Banana Pyjamas*

      Are you sure it’s your garbage? Our was actually the kitchen sink, and it was the first sign something was amiss with the sewer line.

      1. Isabel Archer*

        Another good point. OP says they’re sure it’s coming from the garbage, but one time my kitchen just smelled awful and it turned out to be the garbage *disposal*, which was mere feet from the garbage can. Something was stuck and rotting. Lots of youtube vids on how to fix this without calling a plumber. After it’s fixed, run a nice big batch of ice cubes, lemon juice and vinegar in the disposal.

      2. Noquestionsplease*

        The dishwasher not draining completely can also be a culprit. Garbage-water accumulates without draining all the way and can definitely reek.

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      What is the style of your garbage can?

      Because when our step-to-open one developed a terrible smell, it turned out to be a decaying mouse that had crawled into the mechanism at the bottom to die. So no matter how many times I cleaned the bin part, that didn’t help.

    10. Helvetica*

      Always separate food waste from other waste. Even if where you live doesn’t mandate it and you don’t have a separate bio/compost bin outside, separating it insde makes such a difference because it is the organic/food stuff that stinks, in my experience. Get a smaller bin for that, empty often and it should be better.

      1. Jasmine*

        Agree on separating food trash including raw meat wrappers. We live in a sub tropical country There is trash pickup five days a week which is great but we still put food trash in a one and a half gallon plastic jar. When it’s time to take it out we remove the lid put a plastic bag over the top and turn it upside down and shake all the trash into the bag. You can smell it for a couple of minutes, but as soon clears out. Makes a huge difference and also helps discourage critters.

    11. Overthinking It*

      Do you keep the garbage in a cabinet, like under the sink? if you can’t, invest in a metal can with tight fitting lid, not one of those plastic swinging lids. Empty mor than once a week (maybe you already do this) and wrap any meat scraps tighly in paper or plastic (grocery bags are good for this or newspaper- you can’t recycle everything). Those Styrofoam trays grocery stores pack meat in and the absorbant material in the bottom of them are deadly – will be v. stinky w/in 24 hrs – must be taken to the dumpster or outside bin very, very soon after discarding.

    12. Le le lemon*

      Can I jump on this thread with a similar question?
      My bathroom bin (plastic) – which has a lid and I use a plastic bin bag in – still retains a certain smell even after I’ve swapped out the plastic bags. From period care. I can clean out the bin but the smell remains. Thoughts?

        1. SallyAnn*

          Get the giant store brand box of baking soda. After you wash out your carnage can and dry it, pour a cupful of dry baking soda in the bottom and then put in your bin liner.
          Use the suggestions of other posters for the stinky stuff (freeze the chicken guts & fish remains until garbage pickup day).
          Stop using Febreze-it just covers the stink with its own smell.
          Pour boiling water down your sink.
          Run orange peels through your garbage disposal.
          There used to be a hint about running Tang through your dishwasher to kill off stinky residue, but you’ll need to ask the trusty (?) interwebs for advice on that.

    13. SofiaDeo*

      A number of the foods we buy come in plastic bags that can reseal. Like the 3 lb frozen strawberries. I keep an empty one on the counter at the sink, with a chip clip. So anything “stinky” goes in the bag, folded, & clipped. Every few days it fills up, then I zip it shut and place the zipped stinky trash bag inside the main kitchen trash (which slso has a bag in it. So I have a number of sealed stinky bags, whose contents never even touch the inside of the garbage can. And the main can is stainless steel, so of sonething does somehow leak, there’s less plastic to adsorb any odors.

    14. Observer*

      You really have to use liners / trash bags.

      If you live in an area where you don’t have to pay extra for shopping bags and you can manage with a relatively small bin, those shopping bags are an excellent way to deal with it. Save all of your shopping bags and use them as needed in your trash can. Once the bag is full, you can generally tie it, if it fills up before trash day you don’t have to worry about garbage all the time.

      Even so, you probably need to clean it out periodically. I have found that a good rinse with a fair amount of water and then letting it drain out for a couple of hours works most of the time, if you don’t let stuff sit in there too long. For the other times, either something you would use on your countertops / kitchen sink tends to work well if things haven’t gotten too bad, or anything you would use in your bathroom for the tougher ones.

  11. pico*

    Does anyone have stories about a time someone apologized or made amends to you and it was/felt really meaningful? Particularly if there were understandable circumstances that led to them doing something apology-worth?

    I have friends (now and in the past) whose mental health struggles have meant that they have done or said hurtful things, either to me or to other people. Eg. depression has convinced them that everyone is talking about them negatively behind their back; they overreact to innocuous comments; they say something cruel and/or defensive. I’ve seen this resolve in two ways: the relationship ends or the relationship survives but the depression-influenced behaviour is never discussed.

    To be clear, I have been the recipient of meaningful apologies in other contexts, just not in the dynamic above. I’m interested to hear how other people have experienced this.

    1. Sloanicota*

      I think it’s particularly difficult in friendships. Our culture really doesn’t value many friendships high enough to be “worth” apology and repair. Part of it I guess is friends are viewed as “just” fun, and you can have as many as you want, and the minute they’re not so fun, it’s fine to drop them and focus on other fun friends. This is not how people make sustaining, lifelong connections, IMO. I have experienced friendships healed by talking it out and coming back together but it takes more effort than most people are willing to put in.

    2. ThatOtherClare*

      Some people may not be capable of genuinely apologising and making amends because to do so would be too damaging to their psyche. Often the most damaged people, tragically. If so, it’s important to protect yourself by maintaining healthy boundaries with the friends and not allowing them to wound you over and over again in the same ways. Anybody can make a mistake once. If they show genuine remorse and don’t do it again, that shows they’re a safe person who is mentally capable of caring about your feelings. If they can’t do that, then you’ll need to protect your own boundaries and feelings while in their vicinity. I’ve never had a friend who displayed that level of paranoia apologise for anything; which is tragic because they end up trapped in a self-fulfilling cycle where they have no close friends, so they don’t trust me and lash out, so I can’t get close to them out of self-protection. Best I can do is compassionately encourage them to seek/continue therapy and not take it personally if they lash out. Paranoia is a sign of some pretty serious mental problems, and trying to talk a person out of it is like trying to convince someone they’re not Napoleon. It’s best left to the professionals.

    3. Jackalope*

      My perspective on this is different than the prevailing perspective because I tend to feel more strongly than is the current norm about forgiveness. Several years ago I had a good friend that I hit it off with almost immediately. We were inseparable for a year, and then an ongoing series of events caused our relationship to have some major breakdowns. Serious. What felt like earth-shattering. This went on for months, and we reached a point where we had to decide if we wanted to keep going or to part ways. Ultimately I realized I could go either way, as I believe did she, but we decided to make another go at it. It took us months of regularly apologizing, trying over again, and learning how to be friends again, before we could have the easy sort of camaraderie we’d had before. I don’t recommend this for everyone; sometimes it’s better to just move on, and that’s okay! But over twenty years later she remains one of my best friends, and I’m so glad that we both kept going.

      (I will add in response to one of the things you said that we talked it through and discussed the things we were doing that were hurtful rather than ignoring them. It was important for us to hold each other accountable for being hurtful, and I believe that if you decide to continue in the friendships you mentioned, you will need to do that. But it’s also important to know that if things are in a rough patch – for one or both of you or for your friendship – then it takes awhile to climb back out. There’s this idea that if you tell someone that something bothers you and they do it again, ever, then you should cut them off. If it’s a big thing then that can be appropriate; some offenses should be one strike and you’re out. But a lot of times it takes people awhile to change.)

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        Yes. My closest friend is one of the only people in my life who can and will tell me when I screw up because she knows I will listen and do my best to repair what I did. It works both ways. I had no model for this growing up – my mother would let resentment build up until she couldn’t stand it and then drop whoever it was, either family or friends. I so value what I’ve learned from my friend.

    4. Jay (no, the other one)*

      My husband and I are both doing 12-Step recovery work. He identifies as an addict. He hasn’t done his 9th Step amends to me yet – not formally, anyway – but he has acknowledged and truly apologized for some of the things he did when he was active in his addiction. And he’s told me some of what he’s learned about the roots of his problems. Knowing the reasons is interesting. The most powerful thing, though, is that he really listens to me and takes full responsibility for what he did. I feel seen and understood in a way I never have.

    5. Cacofonix*

      Frankly, to me that’s like my friend apologizing to me because she broke her leg. Sincerely apologize for the impact, yes… broken plans, no contact for a while, rudeness due to pain etc. I’ve received those from a person with mental illness due largely to depression. But that’s only possible sincerely IMO when the person is already receiving help or at least recognizing they need it.

      Poor behaviour without acknowledging its source or any willingness to seek help beyond wildly over relying on my support with or without apology is friendship ending. Or at least friendship interruptus. That means… I don’t need an apology or an explanation. I’m more than mollified if my friend seeks wellness. We all need grace sometimes.

  13. acmx*

    I’m looking for pet camera recommendations. One to watch my dog while I am away and can yell at her when she’s getting into stuff (I don’t yell at her). I’m concerned about security. I looked at wyze but that doesn’t have a good rep.

    1. RedinSC*

      I’ve not used this, but one to look into is the Furbo. A dog rescue guy I follow on Instagram uses them and is probably paid by them, but he seems to like them.

      1. Furbo user*

        I have a Furbo and just got a mini and it’s fine. I hate their website with a passion that almost made me skip, but I did want the treat dispenser part (which….I now never use, sigh). Their app is easy to use and the camera is fine, and I toggle them on and off a lot. So, once you get past initial buying experience, I’d recommend.

      2. noncommittally anonymous*

        I also have a Furbo. It’s a little irritating that you have to get the subscription to get all of the features. I just have the “free” version, so I can’t program when it’s on/off, so it will send me a barking alert while I’m home. I don’t need the alert, thanks, I can hear him. I like the treat dispenser. I’ve thought about getting a mini, so I can have a camera upstairs, but haven’t quite gotten there yet.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I had good luck with Blink previously; we currently just use the ones built into our Simplisafe security system.

    3. un chip más chill*

      I got a cheap one called Petcube on Amazon 3 years ago and it’s still awesome , works great , the app subscription is pretty cheap and I just buy a single month of it when I’m going to be away so it can record, otherwise you can just tune in live. Honestly glitches less than my google nest cam .

    4. BellaStella*

      I just bought a Calex brand French camera (in France so not sure this is on Amazon tho) with mic to listen and speak to my kitty and also night vision as well as a movement detector and love it! Also it has a micro sd slot to record if you want. I do find it gets warm but then so does my touter about the same so seems ok but I unplug all these things if not in use.

    6. Laggy Lu*

      We have the Abode home security system, and it came with a camera that we use. You can hear sound and talk through it. We’ve been pretty happy with the system overall.

    7. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      I have a cheap Victure camera from Amazon I bought in 2020 and it is still going strong. It sits on a shelf where I can rotate left/right and up/down via the app, and the app has been definitely OK these last 4 years as well.

    8. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Yeah, I had two Wyze bulbs go bad within the warranty period and Wyze just refused to do anything about it. Literally anything else would be a better choice.

    9. Dumpster Fire*

      I use Kasa cameras. Inexpensive, easy to set up, decent resolution. You can talk through the app.

    10. acmx*

      Thanks everyone! I will continue to avoid cameras. Sadly, most of these companies don’t seem to respond well to found vulnerabilities. Also, I want to avoid using AMZ and GOOG products lol

  14. Nicosloanita*

    This week, multiple people out of the blue asked me if I was “mad at them.” I’ve been going through an unusual degree of personal stress that has made me withdraw a little, but I’m not conscious of behaving towards either person in any kind of unusual way that would cause them to think this (I’m not mad at either one of them). I wish I could view myself from the outside and see the ways I’m shooting myself in the foot with behavior that I don’t even notice. If you got a warning like this from the people in your life that maybe you’re not holding it together as well as you thought, would you focus on a) self care or b) apologizing and trying to repair the relationship? I did say that I was “focused on my own stuff, sorry,” but my sense was that both loved ones were a bit unsatisfied with this response.

    1. pico*

      If I asked you that question, I would like to know that you’re dealing with personal stress, even if you didn’t tell me what was going on. It would make me cut you a lot more slack. I don’t know that I’d want an apology if you didn’t actually do/say anything particularly bad or if you aren’t sure what you’re apologizing for. A gesture of repair, either now or later, would mean a lot to me in that situation. (see my question above!)

      I would also consider what you know about these loved ones. Do they have insecurity or anxieties that lead them to seek reassurance in this way? Sometimes people use “are you mad at me” or “do you still love me” to really say “I feel distant from you” or “I feel unloveable.” I’m not saying it’s definitely them or it’s definitely you – just something to consider.

    2. CR Heads*

      It sounds like these are people you are close with, so can you talk about it frankly with them?

      Do they know you’re going through an unusual degree of stress? I’m not sure what I would want if I were them other than to know that you were ok, of if not what was bothering you and could I help

      If I were you I’d want to talk to them more about what they observed and if you can, let them know what’s going on with you. It might ease their minds as well as help you by talking about it

    3. Workerbee*

      I’m reading this and thinking it’s a shame those people didn’t ask instead if there was anything going on that they could help with, be it as an ear or a hand.

    4. BRR*

      I don’t think you have anything to apologize for and you don’t need to repair the relationship because the relationship isn’t damaged. I also don’t think you shot yourself in the foot. Be gentle on yourself during your time of increased stress and take care of your needs. But your own oxygen mask on first before helping others.

    5. allathian*

      Are you generally the sort of friendly person who thinks of other people’s needs and comfort first and rarely talks about their own needs? If you recognize yourself in that, it’ll probably take a while for them to adjust. Have you asked them for support? If you ask, that should at least prove conclusively that you aren’t mad, just stressed.

    6. Firebird*

      Have you started using boundaries with people who are not used to it? My family pushed back, until they realized that it was permanent. I wasn’t mad, just standing up for myself.

    7. Jay (no, the other one)*

      I have a friend who often asks me that when I’m not at all angry with her. It is entirely about her, and luckily she acknowledges that. If anyone other than that friend asked me, I would try to take a look at my own behavior. I’m sure I would reflexively apologize because I can’t help myself, and I would also ask what they’re noticing, if they are willing to tell me. When I’m overwhelmed or anxious I can get very irritable and a little snappish, so that’s usually it.

  15. Brevity*

    This is so stupid, but looking at Grendel’s face, I swear the first thing I thought — and yes, I know how ancient this is — was:

    “I can haz cheezburger?”

    sigh………………….

    5. Unemployed in Greenland in Greenland.*

      I half expected to hear Poirot say something about “ze little grey cells.” !!

  16. Pam Adams*

    Two surprises that’s Grendel, not Wallace, and I thought for a moment you were reading Flashman.

  17. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs.

    I read the book Nine-Tailed by Jayci Lee. It’s a fantasy novel about a woman who is also a nine-tailed fox spirit, trying to get revenge on one of her good friends who was murdered, with the help of his hunky younger brother. I loved it (and the cover was exquisite), but be forewarned that it’s the first book of a series (which was NOT immediately obvious), and has a bit of a cliffhanger ending. I also read Cassandra Clare’s book Sword Catcher, which was also good but also the first book in a series of what she thinks will be four, and ALSO with a cliffhanger ending.

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I’m reading The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco. I have no idea why I started this brick in the middle of a reading slump, but I will finish it before it’s due back at the library!

      1. Sitting Pretty*

        I utterly LOVE that book. I can still remember exactly where I was sitting and how charged I felt during the climax. And it was like 34 years and several thousand books ago. I hope it leaves a similar impression on you!

      2. Annie Edison*

        I loved that one! I still to this day have no idea how I ended up grabbing it off the shelf at a used book store, but I’m so glad I did

    2. old curmudgeon*

      I just finished – and LOVED – The Spellshop by Sarah Beth Durst.

      An introverted librarian flees the library she loves because the city is under attack, taking a sentient spider plant and “liberating” several cases of spell books on her way out of town, and returns to her remote and very rural home-of-origin as a refuge. The rural community has fallen on difficult times due to the Emperor’s edict forbidding anyone except his licensed (expensive) sorcerers to engage in magic, so the small local homegrown magics that kept trees blooming, wells flowing and fish leaping into nets have fallen into disrepair. The introverted librarian finds solutions in the books she brought with her, the sentient spider plant finds love, and everyone except the Emperor (who gets defenestrated early in the book) lives happily.

      Not at all my usual cup o’ tea, but in a stressful and anxiety-prone year, it really hit the mark for me. There’s essentially no suspense or stress in the book, but characters are believable and diverse, and I kept finding myself smiling involuntarily as I read it.

      1. acmx*

        I’m reading this now and her curmudgeon-ness (ha, sorry) isn’t hitting the right note. But I’ve liked SBD other books and I’m pretty sure I’ll like this one in the end.

      5. dontbeadork*

        I read that and it was a lot of fun (if fun is the right word for someone being so stressed). I may have to see what else Durst has written, if anything.

    3. chocolate muffins*

      I just finished We Need New Names by NoViolet Bulawayo. About a group of kids growing up in an unnamed African country, though a reader who knows more African history than I do could likely figure out which country it was (perhaps Zimbabwe, where the author is from – I just looked at the summary on Wikipedia, which confirmed this intuition). The main character moves to live with family in the US halfway through the novel, after which it becomes a story about a particular kind of immigrant experience.

      The thing that most stood out to me about this book was how the author uses language. It’s hard for me to explain what was so striking about it – maybe, using a very few words to say a whole lot? Using language to show how a particular situation might look to a child who doesn’t have an adult understanding of what is happening, but giving enough information that adults can piece together what is going on? I really appreciated this aspect of the novel in particular.

    4. RedinSC*

      Some folks here recommended Spinning Silver by Naomi Novik and I’m almost done. Really enjoying it.

      My book club is reading Jame by Percival Everett but I stopped about half way through because I was just too stressed out about a run away slave hanging with Huck Finn. I should probably re-read Huckleberry Finn and then maybe I can go back to James.

      And my other book club is reading Summers at the Saint by Mary Kay Andrews – a summer mystery/romance read. I enjoyed it.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I’m still working on Spinning Silver too! It’s good but I was disappointed when side characters started narrating, I really liked the fairy-tale aspect of having the 3 main women narrate and so far I don’t feel like the other narrators have added much.

    5. AcademiaNut*

      Read the new T. Kingfisher, A Sorceress Comes to Call, which excellent and is more towards the dark fairy-tale end of her writing and less towards the banter/humour/romance side. Two viewpoint characters, one a teenage girl, the other a spinster in her 50s with bad knees.

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      Re reading The Haunting of Hill House, one of my all time favorite books, and Connie Willis’s Passages, which is about a researcher studying near death experiences–it’s combined with the last moments of the Titanic (it makes sense, I promise) and the end is just shiver inducing as the question of “is there something beyond?” seems to be answered–both ways.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        The 1963 film version of The Haunting of Hill House (titled simply The Haunting) scared the SHIT out of me.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          It’s so brilliantly done! Somehow it captures that essence of patient evil.

          The 1999 version was horrid; I’ve never seen the Netflix show because it simply sounds too different from my beloved book.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            I agree re the 1999 version, blecch.

            But you really should check out Mike Flanagan’s version. He changes things, but he does it in the best ways. It’s more like a reimagining with the same elements of dread and pain and it’s just, wow.

            With his stuff, you enjoy it even if it isn’t exactly the same because it’s so good in itself. All the shows he’s done for Netflix are amazing, particularly Midnight Mass. Gah, I loved that show so much! His films too, like Oculus, Hush, Gerald’s Game, and Doctor Sleep. He uses a lot of the same cast including Kate Siegel (his wife), Samantha Sloyan, Carla Gugino, Victoria Pedretti, Zach Gilford, Henry Thomas, etc. They are all brilliant, and somehow it works. It’s fun to see who they play in new shows and films.

            I’m trying to see all of his work. I’m a huge Flanafan, and he is the only person I trust with Stephen King’s The Dark Tower, which he may be doing as a series. The casting for TDT will need to be absolutely perfect — I’m very nervous about it, but he did such a good job adapting Doctor Sleep. He improved some anticlimactic book stuff and seamlessly incorporated the Kubrick film, so I’m cautiously optimistic. If Mike had done Under the Dome, it would have been a lot better than it was. Stephen King didn’t dislike it, but I hated that one.

            Okay, I’m done fangirling now, haha.

          2. Jessica*

            You might enjoy the netflix series if you can think of it as a separate thing that was inspired by this book. It’s certainly not faithful, but it wasn’t without its own merits either.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          She’s my gal! I went to hear her read her short story “And Come From Miles Around” during the eclipse before last, when big swaths of the country were going to be in the path, and it was an utter delight.

    7. Lizard*

      I finished Babel by RF Kuang last night, and the ending made me so emotional! It has been a long time since I’ve this many feelings about a book, so I’ve taken today to process (and read soothing fanfics). Hoping to regain my emotional equilibrium soon.

      On a related note, I’m looking for recommendations for good ‘palette cleanser’ books. Books that have worked previously include Psalm for the Wild-built/Prayer for the Crown-shy by Becky Chambers and Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto.

      Also read/finished Excellent Women by Barbara Pym (enjoyed) and The Lost Ticket by Freya Sampson (meh).

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Not quite sure what a palate cleanser book is, but I always feel refreshed reading Sunshine by Robin Mckinley, most of Terry Pratchett’s discworld books and most of Ursula le guin’s earthsea books.

      2. fallingleavesofnovember*

        Oof, I loved Babel but also found that ending so emotional and intense. Most books take the ‘out’ at some point and this one went all the way…

        Days at the Morisaki Bookshop could be a good palate cleanser – about a young woman who moves in with her uncle in his bookshop in Tokyo. Events ensure but I found it is very gentle and heartwarming (and short). I think there are a few other books by Japanese authors that have a similar vibe but that is the only one I’ve read so far.

      3. Autumn*

        Barbara Pym! I love her so much. For a palette cleanser, you might like Nghi Vo’s Singing Hills books – Empress of Salt and Fortune is the first. Delightful novellas about a wandering story-collector and their sentient bird companion.

      4. Lizard*

        Thanks for the recs! I picked up the ones that my library had available (Days at the Morisaki Bookshop and Empress of Salt and Fortune). And I’m excited to read the rest later. Especially the Le Guin – I’ve only read Left Hand of Darkness by her, but I loved it!

    8. Jamie Starr*

      The Seventh Veil of Salome, which is the latest book from Silvia Moreno-Garcia. It’s mostly set in 1950s Hollywood, during the filming of a movie giving the book its title. It alternates between 1950s and the 1st century, flashing back to the “actual” Salome. (Although perhaps those chapters are describing the film as well. That’s my hunch; I’m just under 1/2 through.) It’s okay so far. [I’ve also read Mexican Gothic and Velvet Was the Night. Even though I don’t generally enjoy magical realism, I liked the former.]

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        Oh that sounds great! I loved Mexican Gothic and Gods of Jade and Shadow, and now I’m embarrassed that I still assumed Daughter of Doctor Moreau was her newest one because I own it but haven’t read it yet, lol.

    9. Sparkle llama*

      Just finished Silver Sparrow which was added to my TBR from one of Alison’s lists. It was the story of a secret family that stretched from the 50s to the 80s in Georgia. I found the background of the Black experience in that time and place very interesting as a white midwesterner.

      I am now starting My Contrary Mary by Cynthia Hand et al. It is a fantasy loosely based on Mary Queen of Scots. I am reading after watching My Lady Gray on Prime which is a similar concept by the same author.

    10. English Rose*

      A couple of weeks ago, the recommendation here was for the first Mrs Pollifax book, which I’d never come across before. I’m now on book 3 and counting. What a delight to discover a new series with several to read. And an even greater delight that the premise is a respectable widow in her 60s who volunteers to join the CIA.

    11. Six Feldspar*

      I’m reading Soul Music by Terry Pratchett and enjoying it as usual – although I’ll have Bat out of Hell stuck in my head for a while now…

    12. Atheist Nun*

      Related to Alison’s book pick this week: I recently Brodesser-Akner’s new book, Long Island Compromise. I liked her writing, and I was very interested in learning more about Jewish American immigrant experience in New York. However, I had zero interest in or empathy for very rich people who suddenly (think they) have lost their fortune.

      After I finished this novel, I read a great profile that Brodesser-Akner wrote in the NY Times Magazine about Jack Teich, whose story inspired Long Island Compromise. Besides detailing Teich’s kidnapping and subsequent life, she shared a disturbing and fascinating story about obstetric violence that she experienced, and then she tied everything together with commentary on trauma and its aftermath. I believe she said that she incorporated that story into the plot of Fleishman Is in Trouble. Now I want to read her earlier book.

    13. Falling Diphthong*

      I read The Spy Coast by Tess Gerritsen. Maggie Bird is living quietly on a chicken farm on Maine’s central coast until someone dumps a body in her driveway. A decision that almost certainly stems from her past as a CIA operative. It’s up to her and her fellow retired-to-Maine spooks to figure out who tracked her down and how to stop them. Alternates between Maine now and various locations back when she was an active agent.

      This was pretty good, though I did figure out a major portion of the reveal early on. I would say that I would recommend it to people who like spy stories, but it doesn’t hit the genre-busting appeal of Killers of a Certain Age or The Thursday Murder Club.

    14. Helvetica*

      Halfway through Leila Slimani’s “Watch Us Dance”, the second in her autobiographical trilogy of a French-Moroccan family from the 1940s. I loved “The Country of Others”, which is the first book about her French grandmother who marries her Moroccan grandfather in 1946 and their life in Meknes.
      It is an interestingly mundane book in many ways; Slimani recounts events quite neutrally but the language she uses is very vivid and beautiful, and she really weaves a story that I want to keep following.

    15. word nerd*

      I read Margo’s Got Money Troubles, and I totally agree with Alison’s recent assessment: “I did not expect to love this as deeply as I did.” I tend to be impatient with coming-of-age stories where a young 20-something is flopping about figuring out life, but this was so good! Genuinely laugh-out-loud funny (there are so many books marketed as funny that I don’t find especially funny) and sharp and weird in a good way.

      Another book I also liked recently is The Bathysphere Book, which is sort of a nonfiction book about William Beebe and his adventures under the ocean in the 30s, but disjointed and tangential and poetic, touching on all sort of other people too (including James Barry, a woman who managed to pass as a prominent male physician for decades until she died at 70). I’m guessing the structure and style is not to everyone’s taste, but I really enjoyed it!

    16. Nervous Nellie*

      One for me this week. A bit adrift after finishing The Alexandria Quartet, I turned to a Ruth Ozeki title – The Book of Form & Emptiness. Tween Benny starts to hear voices coming from inanimate objects in his home, and he seeks refuge at the library, where objects whisper & behave themselves. But oh, the library is a place of wonderful weirdness…. I am riveted, carrying the book with me everywhere. I even caught myself on the bus this week saying, “Benny, don’t!” out loud. Hugely, highly recommended.

      1. word nerd*

        I tried this one a couple years ago and stopped fairly early on–sounds like I should try giving it another go?

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Oh, do! Benny is wonderful. I just hope they don’t make a movie out of this, some Disneyfied mess. It’s serious and beautiful.

      2. carcinization*

        Huh. The book as described sounded interesting to me, so I looked it up. It started to sound familiar and eventually I realized that I checked it out from the library years ago. I had totally forgotten that the character heard objects speaking to him, though I remembered various other aspects of the book.

    17. Seashell*

      I’m reading Under a Rock, the memoir by Chris Stein (formerly of Blondie) and I’m about 16% through. The main takeaway so far is – wow, he did a lot more drugs than I would have thought! His late 60’s life is also seeming a little Forrest Gump/Zelig in that he was at very memorable places/events.

    18. Peanut Hamper*

      Spooky season is just around the corner, so I picked up We Mostly Come Out at Night: 15 Queer Tales of Monsters, Angels & Other Creatures from the teen section of the library earlier this week. It’s what it says on the tin: spooky tales for teenagers from and LGBTQ perspective. I’ve read five of the stories so far, and they are really good. My favorite one is the one about Mothman. I will read that a few more times before this one goes back to the library.

    19. Aneurin*

      Read this week:
      – Sophia Holloway’s To Catch A Husband (Regency romance). I really enjoyed Kingscastle by the same author but her other Regencies just haven’t landed quite as well for me. (Her stylistic tic of using single quotes where I feel italics would work better drives me slightly up the wall, which doesn’t help!)
      – Relatedly, re-read Holloway’s The Chaperone which I enjoyed better the second time round, but still not as well as the other two I mentioned.
      – The Good Knight (book 1 of the Gareth and Gwen medieval mysteries), which I found fairly tedious.
      – Fun Home, the Alison Bechdel graphic memoir, which I loved and will be thinking about for some time.
      – The print collection of As The Crow Flies by Melanie Gillman, a webcomic (drawn in coloured pencils) about Charlie, a queer Black teenager attending an otherwise all-white Christian wilderness retreat. The story in the print edition is carried further in the online comic but the drawings are so good that I really wanted a physical copy.

    20. GoryDetails*

      Several, as usual, including:

      A Scandinavian mystery, 1222 by Anne Holt; it’s from a series about brilliant-but-irascible detective Hanne Wilhelmsen, who, as this book opens, is among the passengers of a train that derails high in the Norwegian mountains just ahead of a massive blizzard. She’s also retired due to having been paralyzed from the waist down by a bullet in a previous case, and wants nothing more than to be left alone. So of course she’s stranded in a nearby hotel with the other rescued passengers, waiting out the storm of the century before they can hope to leave – and (surprise!) one of their number turns up murdered. I’m enjoying it so far, though Hanne is extremely prickly and reluctant to get involved, and as she’s our viewpoint character it makes everything quite uncomfortable.

      Murder on the Ballarat Train by Kerry Greenwood, from her “Phryne Fisher” series – quite entertaining, if more than a little unlikely at times. This one opens with Phryne discovering that somebody has doused her entire train car with chloroform – good thing (as the first line says) she’s a light sleeper. (And has her pistol with her, so she can shoot out a window and get some air flowing.) The case is complicated, but she manages to solve it, give a home to not one but two stray orphan girls (and a kitten), *and* have a pleasant dalliance with a hunky student on the rowing team.

      On audiobook, I’m re-reading Sayers’ The Unpleasantness at the Bellona Club, this version narrated by Mark Meadows, who does a very good job indeed. The story’s about a contested will, in which the time of death of two very elderly siblings will indicate where the bulk of the estate goes – and when it seems that at least one of the deaths wasn’t from natural causes, the stakes go up. [One of the things I like about audiobooks *and* re-reads is that sometimes I’ll discover entirely new-to-me tidbits, even from favorite works that I’ve read often. In this one, Wimsey and his pal Detective Parker are examining the rooms of one suspect, and Wimsey is most interested in the books: “Books, you know, Charles, are like lobster shells, we surround ourselves with ’em, then we grow out of ’em and leave ’em behind, as evidence of our earlier stages of development.”]

      1. slowingaging*

        I love that quote. I was reading poems I wrote years ago. Funny looking back at myself and what I thought and how I said it.

    21. Elizabeth West*

      I started reading a 2004 novel by F. Paul Wilson called Midnight Mass. It is about vampires (conquering invasion of the undead), but it’s not the Mike Flanagan Netflix show (vampire contagion on small New England island). So far it’s good — I enjoy Wilson’s work.

      Also dipping in and out of Timothy Snyder’s On Tyranny and Jim Cobb’s The Urban Prepper’s Guide.

    22. Annie Edison*

      Finished “Gathering Moss” by Robin Wall Kimmerer- this one was beautiful, and I had no idea there was so much to know and learn from mosses. I read it while camping with my dad and found myself sharing moss-related anecdotes from the book multiple times a day for the entire week.

      Also stayed up far too late one night binging “Future Home of the Living God” by Louise Erdrich and am still deciding what to think about it. It’s set in a dystopian not-too-far-off future in which evolution is suddenly working backwards, so plants, animals, and humans are no longer breeding true to type. It explores identity through the narrator’s experiences as a native woman adopted by a white couple, and bodily autonomy and control over women. I love Erdrich’s writing always- she has a way of making the mundane beautiful, and I find her general world-view compelling. I loved the premise and the story, but the book as a whole just… didn’t quite work for me? I’m not sure why. If anyone else here has read it, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

      1. Atheist Nun*

        I felt something was missing from Future Home of the Living God. Being Erdrich, of course the writing was impeccable, and there were certainly complex characters with whom I empathized. But I guess I expected/wanted more from the plot?

        I can, on the other hand, unequivocally recommend The Sentence, if you are OK with reliving 2020. Erdrich really knocked it out of the park with that one.

        1. Annie Edison*

          Yes, that might be it – I felt like there were lots of fascinating ideas she was playing with, and none of them quite got fully investigated enough to be satisfying.

          I think I need a little more distance before I’m ready to go back to 2020 but I will put that one on my list for later when I’m ready. I so love her books and am excited to explore more of them!

    23. The OG Sleepless*

      I had a nice find at a used bookstore: Shoeless Joe by W.P. Kinsella, the basis for Field of Dreams. It’s such a neat story and his writing is lovely.

    24. dontbeadork*

      Read Agatha H and the Airship City and am most of the way through Agatha H and the Clockwork Princess, both by Phil and Kaja Foglio. I’ve read the graphic novels, but the prose novels seem to give more detail. Maybe it’s because I’m not so distracted by what’s going on in the foreground of the comic.

      I’m also working through The Sisters Mederos by Patrice Serath. Liked it and the sequel well enough they were keepers, but the story isn’t grabbing me this time.

    25. Person from the Resume*

      Over the last 2 weeks I’ve listened to the graphic audio (“a movie in your mind”) audiobooks of the first 4 Murderbot diaries. Full cast and some extra sounds (often when a scene changes) and it’s extra enjoyable.

      The wry, sarcastic voice of Murderbot is very well-captured.

    26. IrishEm*

      Someone Else’s Shoes by Jojo Moyes. I’m listening to the audiobook for a book club and I am s t r u g g l i n g to keep going. I’m about halfway through, have around 5 hours left and I HATE the characters. It’s not my type of book at all, I’m only doing it for the club but I also hate leaving a book unfinished… But the main characters are just so unlikeable (which I am aware is the whole point of the book, but I’ve learned a good bit of backstory and I still do not care).

      I do recommend the audiobook of Angela Chen’s ACE which is a nonfiction that takes a deepdive into what asexuality challenges about societal norms. Absolutely seminal piece of study into the least well-known sexuality in the LGBTQIA acronym in my opinion.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I felt that way about Treasure Island!!! by Sarah Levine–I get that it’s a comedic look at “what if a narcissistic sociopath turned an old adventure novel into a self-help tome?” and the main character is supposed to be spectacularly un-self aware, but she’s such a horrid, horrid person that it wears thin quickly.

    27. Alyn*

      Finished:
      The Drowning House by Cherie Priest; a most excellent spooky book.
      A Certain Kind of Starlight by Heather Webber; slice of life magical realism, quite good although not my favorite of hers.
      Maskerade by Terry Pratchett; a Witches novel, retelling of The Phantom of the Opera ish

      Currently Reading:
      A Sorceress Comes to Call by T. Kingfisher
      The Agony House by Cherie Priest

    28. jleebeane*

      I stayed up far too late last night to finish Nine-Tailed (having started it only that afternoon) and realized around 30-50 pages left that it was unlikely to be wrapped up neatly at the end. (In retrospect, the introduction of three cool new characters with around 100 pages to go should have been my first clue that this was the start of a series.)

      Even worse is that it was published this year, so there’s sure to be an interminable wait for the next book(s)!

  18. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    Our D&D group just finished up a mini-arc that we’ve been working on for a few months, which was fun and ended very well due to some insanely high rolls from my players. They were supposed to get caught, but what could I do up against a 40 (with Pass Without a Trace for those who are familiar) in stealth, and making every single luck roll (no modifier, just a straight d20 roll) made every 45 seconds or so (in real time) with gradually increasing DCs? I couldn’t fight the dice.

    1. Jay*

      I’m grinding out the current season of Diablo IV. It’s not my favorite season, so far, but it’s not bad, either.

    2. The other sage*

      I already said this in another thread, but I have been playing Quilts and Cats of Calico, which is an adorable board-puzzle game with cats =^_^=

      In the game you can also pet the cats and hear them purr.

    3. Helvetica*

      I returned to Sims 4 and as always, if there’s been a bigger gap, there are some changes to the game and I am not crazy about them. The new goals, etc. seem set up for novice players and I find them incredibly tedious and not worth the effort. Maybe it’s a sign I should continue my break from playing but sometimes I just want to say “enough with the innovation, I was just getting comfortable with how this game works”.

    4. GoryDetails*

      I’m not gaming at the moment, but I did pick up a set of the new (US mail) first-class stamps honoring the 50th anniversary of Dungeons and Dragons!

    5. Girasol*

      That sounds awesome!

      I am gearing up for a new D&D campaign with my longest-running group (new characters, level 1, other side of the continent and a big time skip from the first campaign). I’m waiting to chat with them and have a better idea of who their characters will be before starting detailed story planning, but I realized there are more maps I can start working on now.

      1. Jackalope*

        I don’t know if this will be helpful for you, but sharing it in case it’s useful to someone on here today. Afternoon Maps (can be looked up under that name) is a way to get a ton of maps for D&D and other similar games. The artist has a percentage of the maps available for free, and a much higher amount available for Patreon sponsoring (which is about 3 or 4 dollars a month if I remember correctly). Again, may not help you, but I really love them and am not great at thinking up these things in my mind so like having someone else do it for me.

        1. Girasol*

          Thank you, I will check them out!

          I also see that I accidentally also chose “Girasol” as a name, I’ll change that in future

  19. Hatchet*

    Let’s talk neighbor/neighborhood situations and interactions that went better than you had hoped. They can be good to great or bad to okay.

    For me, I finally needed to leave a note on the car that parks on the street in front of my house (which I’m okay with), that was parking a few feet into the line of my driveway, making it tricky for me to back out without hitting the car (not okay for either of us). I kinda knew who the car belonged to, but I wasn’t sure. And I park in the garage so the driver doesn’t see that there’s a car that backs out on that side of the driveway.
    I’ve heard the horror stories about the “move your car” notes and was hesitant, especially as a non-confrontational person. I finally just wrote a note like I would approach a neighbor on the street and asked that she give me a few more feet of clearance in front of her car when she parked there, as I didn’t want to accidentally hit her backing out. Got a really sweet note back on the dash of my husband’s car in the driveway essentially saying “No problem, I’ll be more careful. Sorry about that.” So YAY! It was a good interaction!

    Please share your other stories!

    1. The Dude Abides*

      During our final-walkthrough before we closed on the house, the owner warned us that a next-door neighbor was running for Congress (won handily), and would often host gatherings featuring a who’s who of local and state politicians.

      I feared the worst, given the interactions I’d had at work with politicians (I work in state gov’t) and the people I recognized that were leaving a gathering right after we’d moved in.

      On the contrary, very personable even when working in the yard. She does try to foster good relations with the neighborhood – last year, she hosted a brunch the day after Thanksgiving; earlier this year, she hosted a private event with the governor’s wife that my wife and daughter were invited to.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I don’t know about “hoped” really, but last week my neighbor came over to ask me if I was aware of the giant hornet’s nest that was in a tree that is on my property, but a branch that hangs over their driveway, and no, I had no idea it was over there. But I don’t want hornets around either, even if they didn’t have both little kids and elderly folks (three-generation household) living there, so I thanked them for letting me know and called my exterminator to come take care of it. That’s pretty much the only exchange I’ve had with them in the nine years I’ve lived here, so I guess at this point we’re on the positive side of the scale.

    3. allathian*

      Our driveway runs right next to the boundary with our neighbor’s yard, and there’s a bush in the corner. The branches of the bush were growing into our driveway. It wasn’t a problem for us until we bought a new to us car last spring, and we didn’t want the bush scratching the pristine paint of the car. So one morning I saw our neighbor by the mailbox and asked her permission to prune the branches on our side of the border on the weekend. My husband was on a work trip and I went to the office that day. When I returned home, our neighbor had removed all the branches on our side herself. She’s retired, so she’s at home during the day, and looks after her 4 year old grandson a few days a week so he doesn’t need to go to daycare every day. She’s very nice and I enjoy our neighborly chats.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I really loved my across-the-hall neighbors and was very sad when they moved. They were a young couple, always cheerful and friendly, and we’d do neighborly things like text occasionally from the grocery store or borrow baking supplies. Eventually we exchanged keys, and finally we got to hosting each other’s overflow houseguests occasionally. When they moved out I figured I’d never have such nice neighbors again.

      My new neighbors are ALSO a lovely young couple, super friendly, huge extended family that they’ve introduced me to, and we’ve already exchanged keys and started swapping baked goods. So I’d say, great to great.

    5. Cacofonix*

      We were closing on our house and got a strident note from our would be neighbour saying that our deck infringes on their property line and they will be filing a complaint with the municipality. So we checked; it wasn’t but it also didn’t fall within required setback. I could see that deck had been there for at least a decade, and that the property line was in a steep wooded ravine, so it wasn’t like anyone ever went near it. Turns out it allowed us to get compensation from the vendor (who were arsehats about it) and once we moved in the neighbour was really nice to us. Said the previous owners were so entitled and had long exhausted the goodwill of the neighborhood in some instances at significant cost, it was the one way they could retaliate but they hated to involve us and told us to enjoy our deck.

    6. Jackalope*

      I was living in an apartment and the apartment above me had a family with two kids: elementary school and 2 year old. We had a horrible mismatch in schedules; they went to bed very late and I had to get up at around 5:30 for work. Any of you who have spent significant time around toddlers will know that they sound like stampeding elephants when they run around, and this toddler would be stampeding until after midnight, sometimes 1 am. I was super frustrated and tired, it felt like all the time. (The kids’ bedroom was right over mine, which made it worse.)

      I talked with our apartment manager, who suggested that I switch apartments. There was one that had opened up… right across the hall from this same family. I ended up moving (into a much larger apartment that worked better for me anyway), and the parents were walking on eggshells around me for a bit (I’d knocked on their door a few afternoons after the stampeding had gotten truly awful, which is how I know the things about their apartment layout and such), but I let them know that I had no grudges, and gradually we relaxed into a friendly acquaintanceship. Nothing super close, but when they moved out a year or so later we were on friendly terms and their kids drew me some “Goodbye nice neighbor, we’ll miss you!” pictures that I still have somewhere.

    7. The OG Sleepless*

      I’ve had a neighbor across the street who I got off on the wrong foot with as soon as he moved in 15 years ago. My dog pooped in his yard and his mentally ill relative harassed me a few times. We had words a few times. Counterintuitively, though, I like the guy. He’s super nerdy and super snarky, and I’m down with both of those.

      A couple of years ago I posted on Nextdoor that my cat was missing, and he messaged me to let me know that he had seen her on his security camera. He couldn’t approach her, but he wanted to let me know she was around. I really appreciated this. He kept tabs on her for a few weeks until she finally came home.

      A week or so later, another neighbor posted that *her* cat was missing. This cat was black and white like mine. She was offering a reward. Neighbor forwarded me the post and said, “Hey, if we paint a couple of extra spots on your cat, we can turn her in and split the reward. You in?”

      My brain froze for a minute until I was able to comprehend that my reclusive, somewhat difficult neighbor was making a joke! With me! And it was funny! It really made me happy.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      During the recent water heater unpleasantness, we had to move out for a week and a half due to apartment repairs. It was very gratifying and surprising to see how many of our fellow tenants were happy to see we weren’t gone for good! And our apartment manager being so thrilled we could stay was also a boost.

    9. MeetMoot*

      I have a downstairs neighbour who looks really intimidating, ex-army, pretty big. A while after I moved in he was blasting country rock music outside the permitted hours and I couldn’t sleep. I’ve had experiences in the past where you ask a neighbour to be a bit more considerate and instead they get aggressive and up the ante, so I was terrified of what would happen if I asked him to turn the music down.
      The guy was an absolute gem about it. He was super apologetic, thanked me for coming and talking to him, and said it was important to him to know when he’s being too loud because he doesn’t want to be a nuisance. 5 minutes later he even knocked on my door to ask if I could still hear the music and if the noise level he’d changed it to was okay (it was). We’re not friends but he’s turned into a really good neighbour.

    10. Non non non all the way home*

      Aww, I’m loving all these stories of nice neighbors. I’m super fortunate to alo have lovely neighbors. I’m kind of known as the neighborhood cat lady as I walk my two cats outside for about a half hour every evening and have met a number of neighbors out walking their dogs.

  20. Teapot Translator*

    I don’t know how to formulate this to look it up on the Internet. I’m not even sure I’m looking for the right thing. Essentially, I’ve been very active this summer (walking, hiking, yoga, swimming, etc.), but it has had an impact on my sleeping habits (not enough sleep or not using my CPAP machine because I end up eating late and it triggers my GERD). So, how do I plan my fall schedule to live a balanced active life while getting enough sleep and not triggering my GERD? What kind of activities can I do in the morning before breakfast?

    1. noname today*

      We have an indoor bike and I do best when I roll out of bed and right on the bike before I can come up with reasons not to. It’s 30 min minimum (if I’m working from home that day I can fit in another 30 right after—or during my lunch break). It’s helped me stay strong during the winter and improved my stamina and leg strength for outdoor riding during the spring, summer, and fall. I also do interval training in it while catching up on a show over the weekend—speed up during the commercials (1 fast, 1 not quite as fast the next one as fast as I can go—it’s only for 30-60 seconds so I can last it out!) and then do a more laurel pedal during the show.

      We also walk for most of our transportation needs—cabs or subway if need be, but for example, I walked 2 miles to meet a friend and then she and I walked and talked instead of getting a drink. And she walked me back home. So 5 miles and a catch up yesterday!

    2. acmx*

      What’s preventing you from doing any of those things in the morning? Too dark in the morning?

      Can you eat beforehand instead after and continue being active in the evening?

    3. ThatOtherClare*

      The yoga can be done before breakfast. Also if you use any exercise equipment you can do that before breakfast. I went through a phase of staggering out of bed and straight onto my treadmill. I’d jog semi-conscious for 20-30 minutes until my brain had actually woken up, then I’d have my shower and continue with the rest of my morning routine. It was great in winter when I didn’t feel I was missing out by not exercising outside.

    4. Cardboard Marmalade*

      I’m absolutely not an expert but I think I’ve heard that if your CPAP is causing stomach issues, there might be things your doc can do to adjust the settings to help, so that might be a useful avenue to explore.

    5. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      I walk in the morning all the time. A nice reflective vest and I live in a fairly well lit area, but before it was well lit I got a headlamp so my hands were free.

      Many pools have early morning lap swim. Many gyms are very early morning.

  21. chocolate muffins*

    Please tell me about your experiences accepting things in your life that cause you pain but that you can’t change. I am not wanting to get into the specifics of the situation I’m thinking of here but let’s say something like an adult child choosing not to have contact with you, or a friend not making enough time for you but you aren’t wanting to end the friendship. Situations that are ongoing, not in the past, and that you want to accept for what they are rather than trying to change them. What does acceptance look like for you and how do you get to that place?

    1. So Very Anon*

      It took years to get there, to admit, then accept, that my mother was never going to be interested in me as a fellow person, and that my father would follow suit. Accepting that fact was essentially grief (i.e., the relationship I wanted was dead.). I let myself go through all the normal stages of grief, and it got better.

    2. Sitting Pretty*

      For me it’s lists. So many lists. Like actually writing down in my journal…
      – Things I can control today or this week (when the situation I can’t control is causing upheaval, chaos, or pain).
      – Specific stuff I’m grateful for.
      – Things my five senses can pick up on right now.
      – People I care about or who care about me.
      – The pleasant activities/healthy habits I did this week or today.
      – Little things that make me smile.

      Etc. Making these lists in ink hauls me back to the here and now, and puts me in a generally more appreciative, centered frame of mind. And it keeps me from ruminating on how much the situation hurts, or how unjust it is, or how much I wish it were different. And over time… well, usually the acceptance comes in dribs and drabs through living and cherishing the actual life I have, rather than the one I was expecting or hoping for.

      Sending good wishes your way.

    3. Anonymous cat*

      Someone once told me about a concept called Radical Acceptance for accepting situations that aren’t going to change.

      I had real trouble with this concept but you might see if it helps.

        1. Miss Buttons*

          Thirding. Love Tara Brach’s books, particularly Radical Acceptance and Trusting the Gold. So much wisdom about acceptance and self-compassion.

    4. Cookies For Breakfast*

      For me, in the friend situation, realising I might well be “that” friend to other people helps. I had trouble nurturing friendships when I started struggling with mental health, and if I could tell everyone that it’s not them, it’s me, I would. So when I’m the neglected friend, I try to remember there may be a million reasons why another person isn’t making time for me, that aren’t necessarily “they don’t like me anymore”. Maybe they do hate me after all, maybe the relationship has ran its course, but acceptance does feel easier.

      With challenging family of origin stuff, I started feeling free to let go once the mantra “you can’t fix them” really sank in. They do baffling and sometimes hurtful things, and I’ve always felt pressure to mend situations and make them comfortable, because they raised me as “the reasonable one”. For a few years now, I’ve tried to default to “they’re adults, they are responsible for their behaviour, they won’t change this late in life” instead of that. The distance and clarity this brings is a breath of fresh air.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      A counselor at the cancer center defined a “grudge” as someone had violated my boundaries in the past, making me feel unsafe. And to cope, my mind kept reproducing the feeling of being violated even if the other person wasn’t there and wasn’t actively doing anything.

      Naming and understanding the pattern this way can help. A response that protects you in some circumstances but is now getting hauled out by your body/psyche in contexts where it’s not helping you.

      Also, with such things I find that successful shifts in perception are very often “I added more things to my life, and that crowded out the bad thing I used to keep circling back to dwell on.” It wasn’t a change in the bad thing, but in how much space it could occupy for you.

    6. Nicosloanita*

      I remember hearing with “the marshmallow test” for children’s self-control (if they refrain from eating one marshmallow for a certain period of time, they can have two marshmallows at the end) that the main trick was to hide the marshmallow in any way possible. It’s barely possible for young children to sit staring at the marshmallow and not eat it; it’s the hardest way to try the test. They had to cover their eyes, put a piece of paper over the marshmallow, turn around in their chairs, whatever. If I’m in the process of accepting something I don’t like but can’t change, I would similarly try to divert my attention to something that feels better, something I *can* change and does want my care and love. The worst thing would be to sit around thinking about this other thing all the time.

    7. Being Anon For This one*

      My Mom always favored my brother. It was subtle, and my Mom always swore that she was “fair” to both of us, but yeah, no, Mom. Then my brother had a horrible tragedy happen to him (not going into details) and my family and I were put on the back burner while my parents rushed to his side to help him. The tragedy happened in 2009 and my Mom has done and said many hurtful things over the years in terms of putting him and his family first, and we get to pick up the leftovers (if there are any.) I can’t change her – she’ll be floating on that river De Nile all day that she didn’t do or say those things. I can only change how I react to her. She doesn’t like it. I had to come to accept that she is going to continue to say things or do things that she doesn’t mean to hurt me, but they still will. I experience the hurt, let it pass through me, and go on with my life. My brother passed away in January and now she’s actively dying, and she’s stuck with me taking care of all her stuff. Which may or may not upset her, but I don’t care. He got all the attention but I get all of her estate (and Dad when he passes.)

      1. chocolate muffins*

        I am so sorry about your brother’s passing and that your mom is dying now, and about this entire situation in general. That stuff can be hard and complicated even when (maybe especially when) the relationships were also hard and complicated.

    8. Jay (no, the other one)*

      My relationship with my brother is not what I would wish. It’s not acrimonious. It’s just – not close. I am always the one who reaches out. He’s always glad to hear from and perfectly civil the way you would be, I imagine, to a work friend. For years this was deeply wounding. I felt judged and rejected. We’re now in our 60s, our parents are dead, and I have come to recognize that this is about him and some things he’s projecting on me, exactly as I was projecting my own issues on him for years. That recognition has brought me some peace. I have to actively remind myself of my new understanding when I start feeling panicky that I need to *do something.* It was incredibly helpful to have confirmation from other people – my closest friend and a woman we grew up with, both of whom are therapists and both of whom separately told me they see him struggling and isolated. Their view of him and empathy for me was healing.

    9. allathian*

      I have a very dear friend whose life has been a rollercoaster. I love her, but I’ve come to accept that if I want to see her, I need to do all the planning and take the initiative. She’s always very happy to see me and all our conversations aren’t centered on her, but she just doesn’t have the spoons to plan stuff at the moment. Her ex abandoned her and their two kids when they were small, left the country and after a couple years died by suicide. Her traumatized daughter never recovered and is currently on a 24/7 suicide watch in an institution and has a history of harming herself. My friend’s had to deal with her father’s estate after he died in another country, her mother’s failing health, and her SO’s temporary disability following an injury. She also has a demanding job and is doing her best to ensure that her son, who was less than a year old when his father left and doesn’t remember him at all, has as ordinary a childhood as possible. So yeah, I’m not going to put the focus on myself and complain to her that I’m always the one to call…

    10. Turtle Dove*

      I used a worksheet in April that helped me a lot. I was surprised how much better I felt immediately afterwards, and that lighter spirit has mostly continued. I wrote out my own answers to the bulleted items. Maybe I was ready after grieving for a few years, or maybe the advice in the worksheet was particularly good. Maybe both. I’ll reply with a link to the worksheet I used. I bet there are other good worksheets out there too.

    11. Harlowe*

      My cousin and I were basically raised as siblings. He is going to die needlessly, because his parents (now dead) refused to admit that he has Asperger’s and get him treatment. He is obsessed with living in the past and with bodily integrity, to the point that he avoids medical treatment because it could result in scars. He is living with daily pain that could easily be fixed with a simple operation. Eventually, this untreated condition will kill him.

      Somehow I’ve managed to flip a switch in my brain, admitting to myself that he’s basically already gone, and that every extra day here is just a bonus. I front-loaded the grieving.

    12. Cacofonix*

      For me, I look at who this person or situation is as objectively as possible, and adjust my expectations and assume no personal ill will unless it’s objectively otherwise. Then I decide if that works for me, will work better if I don’t put so much weight on what I can’t control, or reflect on what I can change to improve the situation. I haven’t read a book on this; it’s just tried and true from having seen my mother twist into knots on being the best a friend she could be and never getting that kind of consideration in return. She’d just tried harder, expect even more, then spiral.

      For example, my extended family is dispersed over two continents and I wasn’t invited to nor informed about a recent reunion. It happens every few years somewhere interesting but found out about it via slips on social media, when 2 years ago I was welcomed to the one and it went well by all accounts. My conclusion is that I am furthest from the rest and if I want a closer relationship similar to theirs with each other, I need to reach out more. Plus I know they talked about me because I got a bunch of friend requests from partners and relatives I don’t know or interact with much, all at once. That’s where the slips came in because it was on their feeds, nothing on the others. It sounds like they enjoyed themselves, and I’m glad they did.

    13. Miss Buttons*

      It sure can take a long time, but what acceptance looks like for me? The first thing is that I’m not ruminating and obsessing about The Thing any more. I had to realize that doing that is just re-traumatizing myself. And that I CAN control. So why do it? Accepting the things I cannot change means I don’t let it rent all this space in my head. I’ve done what I can, I’ve felt all the feelings, done all the therapy about it, journaled ad nauseam. Enough already. I need to turn my attention to something else, live my life, and stop thinking about it. Seize the day!

    14. Annie Edison*

      Oh goodness I’m so sorry for whatever you are experiencing! I’m working through something like this now and it is so difficult.

      When did this situation begin for you? Mine is fairly recent so I’m still in the early stages of processing it; if yours has been going on for a longer time I’m not sure any of this will apply.

      For me- I’m finding that I keep trying to find a shortcut into acceptance and have been trying to skip over processing the grief/loss/anger/confusion/second-guessing my own actions stages that come along with a difficult experience. I end up adding a layer of guilt/shame about not being able to accept the situation, over top of the actual emotion, and as a result never end up quite processing the grief/loss/anger parts, which means I never quite get to the acceptance part.

      What I’m finding helpful: giving myself permission to feel all the messy imperfect emotions first, which in practice for me has meant a lot of journaling and crying it all out in my car during my commute, plus spending as much solo time in nature as I can. My therapist has also suggested doing things like kickboxing, running, or creating sort of destructive, rage-y art to process the anger parts, which are the hardest ones for me to move through.

      I don’t really think I’m at acceptance yet, but I get glimmers of it from time to time, and it’s usually after I’ve taken much more time that I think should be necessary to dig into the other feelings first and let them kind of move through and past me.

      So I guess what I’m trying to say is- acceptance will come with time, but it seems to come best when I’m not trying to force my way into it, and instead give myself permission to name and feel the other, messier feelings that come up along the way too. Wishing you love and peace along the way!

    15. Incognito for this*

      I’ve dealt with this with my brother. We used to be very close, and the rest of my family and I remain quite close. My brother is distant, self-contained, and doesn’t provide help to any of us, but also makes (in my eyes) burdensome requests of the family that could easily be solved with simple planning or basic research. He’s just a taker and always sees his needs as more important than anyone else’s. My overall strategy is avoidance. We’re polite to each other at family gatherings but don’t go out of our way to spend time together.

      I used to really struggle with this since we previously had been so close. The best advice that I got was to reframe the relationship such that he’s not my brother, but he’s just a distant cousin. With that reframing, the mental and emotional expectations are completely different with the blandly positive, acquaintance-like semi-relationship that we have now. That really helped me make peace with what that relationship is today and likely going forward. We don’t have to be close and it’s okay that it’s more like a distant coworker with bland topics like the weather, basic plans, etc.

      Also, I don’t allow myself to delve too deeply into this, since there’s truly nothing I can do to make this better or like it once was. Acceptance is the only way.

    16. ChoicesChoices*

      Hmmm, those sound like things you do have a choice about, even if it’s just to let go. For those I’ve found the best option is to make the decision and let go if you can. If you can’t live with the decision, reevaluate.

      For things you really have no choice about – forexample, being in pain all the time or being unable to physically do things you used to be able to do, you let yourself have period moments of wallowing about it or being jealous of others or frustrated that folks don’t get it, but mostly after the initial period of adjustment you don’t think about it most of the time and it becomes background low level frustration/pain/annoyance/wishfilness.

    17. Chauncy Gardener*

      I keep telling myself that “forgiveness is giving up all hope of ever having a different past”
      I guess to me it’s a more positive statement than it seems to be at first. I can’t change the past so stop wishing I can and just accept where I’m at.
      Good luck!

  22. fallingleavesofnovember*

    Anyone here have experience with skylights? Preferably anyone who lives in a place that gets lots of snow / bonus if it is a newer one. We’re planning renos and considering skylights but a little anxious about the potential for leaks…

    1. DistantAudacity*

      Erm – my building got ours fixed properly (i.e. uncovered and redien) when the roof was fixed 7? ish years ago. No issues what so ever, and we have plenty of snow in the winter…

      I suppose it’s a matter of doing it up to the right codes and standards for your weather, and make sure it is installed with quality?

      As a bonus, we now have plants at the top of our internal building staircase, underneath the skylights :)

    2. o_gal*

      The house we live in had a skylight over the foyer, which had an open staircase to the 2nd floor, so light would flood the entire 2-story tall entryway. Because the house is south-facing, it also flooded the 2-story tall entryway with heat. So be aware of that possibility, depending on size and where you place them. They also leaked, but I attribute that to the fact that they were probably installed by construction workers who don’t specialize in installing skylights. We ended up removing them when we had the roof redone and I’ve never regretted it.

      1. Chaordic One*

        Although I don’t have first-hand experience, what you say pretty confirms everything I’ve heard from friends who do have skylights in their homes. The problems with leaks resulted in a lot of costly damage. Probably about half of the people I know who had skylights ended up taking them out for the reasons you listed.

        1. BikeWalkBarb*

          We bought a house with multiple skylights that don’t open. Built in 1998, never had a leak. One set is on the south side, though, and the heat problem is real even living in the Pacific NW. My husband made a cover out of some sunshade fabric. He climbs up and puts that over it for the summer but that’s not going to work when we get older. Eventually we plan to install an interior blackout shade we can close. I do wish they opened so we could let the hot air out in the summer, but that may be what would create the leak potential.

    3. Autumn*

      I have a “sun tunnel” which is great for getting light into a space with no windows, but if you’re hoping to watch the sky, not so much. It hasn’t leaked, but some of the coating on the inside seems to have flaked and fallen on the glass. I have to figure out how to get it open to clean it out.

    4. Harlowe*

      We have them here in NE in our master suite and I HATE them. Leaks are not the problem, the baking sun makes the bedroom unlivable because the AC can’t keep up. I sleep on a cot in my office three months out of the year.

    5. The OG Sleepless*

      We have a skylight in our bathroom. It’s OK, it does add some nice sunlight but the room faces west anyway, so it’s not a big difference. I’m not in a snowy area but we get heavy rain. I’ve never had actual water come through it, but there is some mildew and peeled drywall around it so there has been a little water incursion at some point.

    6. fhqwhgads*

      All skylights leak. Some sooner than others. Some worse than others. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s inevitable.

    7. MissB*

      We have skylights on our porch. They allow more light into our home.

      One thing I learned is that they have a life span! 10 years for exterior skylights. I treat it like a hot water heater and plan to replace right before the 10 year span.

      I’d assume that skylights that face the interior also have a lifespan.

      Ours are Velux. We used Velux ones facing the interior on our last house too. Quality products but it’s not like putting on a 30- or 40- year roof.

    8. Blue Cactus*

      I grew up in Colorado and my family home has skylights. My parents have had zero leak issues the entire time they’ve lived there (20+ years). They’re so nice and really open up a space.

    9. Alyn*

      We had to replace our roof a couple of years ago, and decided to replace 3 of the 4 skylights we had at that time (the 4th we had them remove the old skylight & just cover over as it was in an area that didn’t need the extra light).

      With the new roof, we’ve had no issues with leaks. The new skylights also came with built in blinds that you can control by remote, so in the summer for example, we mostly keep the blinds closed to keep the heat in the house down. They’re pretty nifty.

  23. Can’t Sit Still*

    Advice, please. I purchased a one of a kind item and it was damaged during shipping. The seller had it insured for full value during shipping. The insurer’s decision is that I can either ship it to them for a full inspection and receive a full refund. In that case, they will keep the item. Or the seller can come pick up the item and take it home to repair, then drive it back to me.

    I spent $$$$ on this. It’s not the quality I expected for the price and I’m concerned that it’s going to fall apart if somebody bumps into it too hard. Like, say, a cat. Plus, it’s essentially furniture and meant to be used frequently.

    But it’s really pretty and fits my aesthetic. It’s been a long week and this item and its packing materials have been hanging around for weeks awaiting the insurance company’s verdict.

    What should I do?

    1. RagingADHD*

      I vote get the refund.

      You already feel like you overpaid for lesser quality.

      There will be other pretty pieces of furniture that fit your aesthetic and don’t make you worried that they’ll fall apart. It’s not an heirloom.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Same. Get your refund and try again, maybe look into custom work if that’s not what this was.

    2. Still*

      Get the refund.

      You’ll find something else that is beautiful and functional, and good quality, and fits your aesthetic, and then you’ll kick yourself for having kept the subpar one.

      I try to only buy stuff I’m going to keep and love for a long time. Buying something average today means I won’t have the space in my life when something amazing comes along.

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      For me personally? White Oleander, and Pet Semetary back in high school. (I was so proud of staying awake to read it and not being freaked; then right after I turned my light off our cat jumped on me and scared me TO DEATH.)

      2. The OG Sleepless*

        Heh, I stayed up late reading Christine in high school. Every time a car came by the house overnight (there were two or three), I sat bolt upright.

        1. allathian*

          I did the same thing. We lived in am apartment block so passing cars didn’t bother me. After Christine I read The Tommyknockers and kept dreaming that my teeth fell out. I got that as a Christmas present and read it during my vacation. I’m a fast reader but I needed more than one late night to read it.

    3. Double A*

      Fortune’s Pawn by Rachel Bach. A space adventure romance. It’s a trilogy and worth reading the whole thing.

    4. Pam Adams*

      I think the latest was Loud McMaster By joke’s Gentleman Joke and the Red Queen. I read it through, and immediately turned back to Chapter One and read it again!

      1. Six Feldspar*

        So glad I’m not the only one who finishes a book sometimes and feels the urge to read it again immediately!

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Oh, I did that with Middlemarch! I loved it so much I couldn’t wait to finish so I could read it again.

    5. anon24*

      Fairy Tale and The Institute both by Stephen King. If I remember correctly I literally read Fairy Tale in one sitting the day it came out and definitely had not intended to. The Institute was similar, I was on vacation when it came out and I started it while lounging around and finished in 2 or 3 days.

      2. Trixie Belden was my hero*

        Pretty much any book by Stephen King
        Full Dark No Stars was the latest one in June

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Have you read the newest collection? Husband likes paperbacks and he’s the big King fan so I’m trying to wait for it to come out in that format.

          1. Trixie Belden was my hero*

            I thought Full Dark was his newest since it came out in June?

            I am enjoying If It Bleeds now. It came out a few years ago and I bought it, but somehow I forgot I had it. All my stuff was in storage for 2 1/2 years when I moved in with my parents during the pandemic until I built my house.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              The new collection is called You Like It Darker. It’s great.

              I really enjoyed Fairy Tale; I think it’s one of his best. I’d love to see it as a limited series, but I can’t think who would do it best. Tim Burton would probably ruin it. Flanagan might make it too dark, but maybe. Hmm. I need to think on this.

              I wish I were as prolific as King. I’m the slowest writer in the history of the world, haha.

              1. Trixie Belden was my hero*

                Thanks, I got them confused.

                Full Dark No Stars 2010 – can’t remember how fast I read it.

                You Like it Darker 2024 – finished it past midnight.

                His short stories never disappoint!

    6. WoodswomanWrites*

      Two come to mind, both nonfiction memoirs. The first is Adrift, written by a sailor whose sailboat sank when hit by a whale and who was then lost at sea in a tiny dinghy for 76 days. Obviously you know he makes it to write the book, but it’s still a compelling read. I read it a couple decades ago and still remember a lot of the details.

      The other is more recent, the bestseller Educated. Tara Westover’s story of her harrowing isolated upbringing and emergence as a capable, independent adult. It reads like a novel.

      I give away almost everything I read–gotta make room on the shelves for another field guide–but both of these are keepers that are only loaned so they can come back.

    7. allathian*

      Every Harry Potter book when I first read them as they were published. Not necessarily a recommendation given JKR’s problematic opinions, but…

      All of Robin Hobb’s Realm of the Elderlings books the first time I read them.

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      The Appeal by Hallett, an epistolary novel told through emails and texts that actually feel like emails and texts. You know something is hinky with the fundraising appeal for the adorable tot with cancer, but the puzzle is to figure out exactly who is lying, and why, and who knows they’re lying and why they are keeping quiet.

      There’s a point I keep returning to, where someone briefly sees the shape of what’s going on… and then she draws back from it. She hasn’t been so dumb as to be hoodwinked, right? This person wouldn’t actually lie to her about something so important, right? So very human to find yourself teetering on the edge of the truth, and find ways to draw back.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I haven’t read The Appeal yet, but I adored the follow-on novella The Christmas Appeal, and now I want to read the first book.

    10. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Migrations + There Will Be Wolves, both by Charlotte McConaghy
      A Memory Called Empire + A Desolation Called Peace by Martine Arkady
      The Marriage Portrait by Maggie O’Farrell

    11. CTT*

      Any of the Tana French mysteries (with the exception of Faithful Place, although I’m the weirdo who disliked that one but liked Broken Harbour). With her last one, I was forcing myself to stop at the end of a set chapter and then there was a huge reveal and I literally cursed out loud because I knew I had to keep going.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I adore Tana French, and Broken Harbor is one of my favorites – after In the Woods, which still haunts me…

    12. Spacewoman Spiff*

      Spinning Silver by Naomi Novik. (Another of her books, Uprooted, is also very good though I didn’t read it in the same round-the-clock way.)

    13. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      If I make the mistake of starting anything new by Seanan McGuire before I go to bed, I will be up all night finishing it. (Because new releases always hit my Kindle app right about 9:30pm. :P

    14. Peanut Hamper*

      A loooooooong time ago, I started reading Dracula by Bram Stoker and just couldn’t put it down. I was up late at night reading it during a thunderstorm, and the power went out. That should be a sign from the universe to put the damn book down and just go to bed, but I couldn’t. I lit a bunch of candles and stayed up until I finished it.

      I know a lot of people don’t like that book because every vampire movie has set them up with a completely unrealistic set of expectations, but it really is good if you take it on its own merits.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I love Dracula! The epistolary style, the shifting viewpoints, the rather charming “modern technology” touches (a typewriter! a tape recorder!!!) – plus, of course, the escalating dread…

        2. Elizabeth West*

          For a Victorian novel, that is a damn good book. It hits the ground running and doesn’t stop. was published in 1897 and hasn’t been out of print since! I was so mad that we didn’t read it in college — I wanted to discuss it so badly, but noooo, it was all Frankenstein, all the time. So I wrote a paper on it for a class on my own, haha.

        3. goddessoftransitory*

          I love how Stoker incorporated The Modern into his stories–he wanted readers, naturally, and that was a surefire way of hooking a populace constantly exposed to the newfangled technologies. His later novel, The Lady of the Shroud, starts out total old fashioned Gothic with said ladies and shrouds, and ends up with the main characters flying around in an airplane.

          2. Elizabeth West*

            The Victorians really loved gadgets. For all their strict morality*, which was something of a backlash against the “rapid” pace of the Machine Age, they were surprisingly modern. There was a technological push toward the end of the nineteenth century, kind of like how our tech jumped forward at the end of the twentieth.

            There were even Victorians alive within our memory — the last person in Britain who was born during Victoria’s reign died in 2015 at the age of 114. Her name was Ethel Lang.

            I remain convinced that if you transported some Victorians from the late 1800s to our time, once they got over the shock, they’d be lining up for the latest tech, haha.

            * (not all of them–they had p*rn!)

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        I LOVE Dracula. I’ve read it about forty times by now.

        Link to follow of my very long winded opinions of that fantastic book!

    15. GoryDetails*

      I’ve tended to book-binge all my life, so there are too many examples to list, but a couple of notable ones are:

      The Jungle Book by Kipling: I first read the first book (of a two-part collection featuring the “Mowgli” stories and assorted other tales) when I was about 7, read it through in one sitting (er, lying? Sprawled on my bed), and when I finished it, turned around and started it again. [I see from previous replies that I’m not the only one who does this!] I still love it, btw, though now a single re-read at a time is usually enough!

      Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier: my mother had one of those leather-bound-classic editions, and one day I dipped into it after supper – can’t remember why; I’m pretty sure I’d never seen the movie at that time, and don’t recall Mom suggesting the book to me. Anyway, I was about 12 then, and was enjoying the story and the atmosphere – and then the big revelations about the scene in the boathouse took me completely by surprise, and I recall reading faster and faster into the wee small hours because I HAD TO KNOW what happened.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Ah, Rebecca! A classic from beginning to end. I don’t think it’s coincidence that du Marier grew up in a theatrical family–she understood pacing!

      2. Elizabeth West*

        REBECCA I LOVE THAT BOOK

        “And Favell began to laugh, the laugh of a drunkard, high- pitched, forced and foolish, and all the while twisting Rebecca’s note between his fingers.”

    17. Fellow Traveller*

      Gone Girl. I did not like the book, found everyone in it pretty irredeemably awful, but I just had to know how it ended so stayed up until 3am hate-reading it. Which I guess means it must have been pretty well crafted on some level.

  25. MozartBookNerd*

    Tipping on a very long cruise! Mrs. BookNerd and I are going on a cruise for the first time, and we’re super-treating ourselves to a fully month-long fancy one, from L.A. to New Zealand (!). The materials from the cruise line (Seabourn) say tipping is “not necessary or expected,” but naturally, informal other sources say it’s “appreciated” even so.

    Now I’m sure we’ll have important interactions all month with a couple of staffers taking care of us and staterooms nearby. So I wonder how to handle. One big gesture at the end? Smaller ongoing contributions each week or each day? I gotta think cruises in general are an unusual social fabric, but especially a month-long one . . . .

    Much appreciate the nuanced and socially-adept insights that folks on here always have.

    1. Cordelia*

      I’ve only been on one cruise, it was a river cruise in Europe for a week, so that’s different, but tipping was definitely expected! towards the end of the week an envelope was left in our room with a note saying tips would be shared between all the staff, and we put our tip in that and dropped it in a box at the end. That was a nice way of doing it I think.
      In my mind a cruise is a floating hotel, and I’d normally tip housekeeping staff and restaurant staff in a hotel, so why not on a boat?

    2. Nicosloanita*

      I would hope with that line, what they mean is they compensate the staff well already so you can leave a smaller amount than what you would typically do for waiters/housekeeping staff. Usually I think tipping is an expected thing on cruises. I hope others will weigh in with the specific amounts and frequency they would suggest.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Agreed about Cruise Critic.

        Will you have a daily service charge? That will count as tips for all the crew, in particular the ones you don’t see. On my last cruise it was USD 20 per day automatically charged to my onboard account.

        What I usually do is a separate tip for my cabin steward at the end of the cruise, and smaller tips for particularly helpful crew members (e.g. the bar staff who make your favourite drink exactly as you like it or the dining room hostess who always makes sure you have a nice table).

        1. MozartBookNerd*

          Thanks for the pointer to Cruise Critic!

          And yes it sounds like I should ask Seabourn about (a) envelopes at the end, similar to a hotel I agree Cordelia, (b) Chocolate Teapot’s daily service charge, (c) whatever they can tell us about what’s “usual.”

          The relationship with the cabin steward(s) seems so big and sustained that I really don’t want to mess it up . . . .

    4. Girasol*

      Our tour company told us who to tip and how much, though it wasn’t necessarily expected where we went and not everyone did it. I was glad, because even if it’s not expected, a tip too small or too big or to the wrong person can be misconstrued. You might ask whoever arranged your cruise and see if they ca offer guidelines.

    5. Unkempt Flatware*

      Man, I came across this last night and really thought I read “tripping” on a cruise. As in with psychedelics and I thought that was a really terrible idea. Then I came across this again this morning and saw the same thing– that you were asking about tripping on a cruise and I thought, “man that’s a terrible idea”. And I slept between then really well!

      1. MozartBookNerd*

        LOL . . . Yeah pretty terrible idea I’m sure! . . . . 45 years ago I might have asked about that; but since then I guess I’ve become a little more buttoned down. This cruise is for our 35th wedding anniversary and I think our edgy bust-out activities will be, you know, ping-pong on the Lido deck . . . .

    6. Indolent Libertine*

      There may be a Facebook group for that Seabourn route, or for their cruises in general; you can often find good traveler-to-traveler info there. Friends did a big walking trip in Scotland this year and joined a FB group for it and got lots of good inside info there.

      1. MozartBookNerd*

        Ah good idea Libertine . . . I think my wife still has her Facebook account so that’s an avenue!

    7. CruiseTipping*

      I found tipping on my cruises really obnoxious.

      The way it was handled meant tipping was going to happen unless the passenger was willing to be somewhat pushy.

      Basically, tipping was optional, but would be automatically charged to your payment method of choice at something like $30/day/person for your formal dining staff whether or not you used the formal sitdown dining option and $30/day/person (not cabin) for cabin staff plus I think $10/day/person for incidental tipping (as of my last cruise in 2008) unless you went to the bursar’s office (main info line) on the last evening of the cruise when it was super busy and verbally asked for the charges to be adjusted or removed, then the staff there (whom I think shared some of the tip for incidentals) would loudly push back and argue about it. I changed the tips to what I thought was more reasonable (for my 7 day cruise the proposed tips added up to the actual cost of the entire cruise) but it takes both the willingness to waste time your last evening and the mental fortitude to withstand a real effort to public shame you into not touching the tips).

      I understand folks aren’t paid a fortune to work these jobs, but this mode of tipping is not the answer. It left a really bad taste in my mouth both times, and made me wary of cruises.

      I should note that my last cruise was in 2008, so maybe they’ve moved to a more sane tipping model. I did ask a friend who is usually a very generous tipper and went on a cruise a few years ago about the tipping process and she just shook her head in a don’t want to talk about it way, so it was still unpleasant on her cruise.

      I might ask about expectations ahead of time so you know.

      Good luck, and enjoy your cruise. I did enjoy both of mine, but you hit on one of true negative parts of the experience.

      1. MozartBookNerd*

        Wow, thank you for this. Pretty awful!

        David Foster Wallace’s essay “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again” is all about a cruise. It’s been too long since I read it; will go back and look. IIRC he covers lots of the really abysmal social aspects of the interactions (written in the late 1990s I think). I wonder now if he touches on tips per se.

  26. TheBunny*

    We have a cat we adopted as a stray (he was born at my husband’s work, my husband fed and bonded with him so he was a known stray).

    We also have another cat. After some hiccups (thanks to Alison for the pet behaviorist recommendation) we have them getting along and even occasionally sleeping and playing together.

    The issue… when we aren’t home (yay for pet cameras) both cats sleep on the couch or the bed…which is fine.

    However when we get home, the newer cat jumps down and often hides. He comes out after a while, he’s eating and playing and grooming…but seems to think he’s going to get into trouble for sleeping on the couch.

    How do we teach him this is ok? I want him to feel comfortable. His “brother” doesn’t move off the bed or couch and we hoped he would learn from context clues that it was OK… but he’s not.

    1. Still*

      I’m not a cat expert so take this with a grain of salt, but I think you might be jumping to conclusions.

      If you’ve never reacted negatively to the cat being on the sofa or on the bed, I don’t think there’s a reason to assume the cat thinks he’s gonna get in trouble. I think he’s probably just a bit new to you and when you get back home, he hides so that he can get used to you being there again.

      I might be wrong, but I think him being shy sounds more likely than him somehow intuiting that some humans don’t allow pets on the furniture and being worried about it, despite the fact that neither you nor the other cat have given him a reason to do so.

      And even if you’re right, I think there solution is still the same: do nothing, just give it time. Unless you want to specifically encourage him to get on the furniture when you’re home, but that doesn’t sound like it’s the case.

      1. TheBunny*

        You might be right. I don’t know.

        It’s definitely not an issue that he’s on the bed or the couch. I guess I just want him to be comfortable and happy and I might be overreacting.

        Aside from the table while we’re eating or the kitchen counters we really don’t believe in telling the cats to stay off things… they live here too.

        1. Still*

          Obviously, you know your cat best, but it seems to me like you’re doing a good job. He’s getting along with the other cat, he’s eating and playing and grooming; sounds like a healthy, happy cat to me. I’ve known many cats that liked to hide. One that absolutely loved being in the hallway closet. A couple that would disappear into the washing machine every time someone came visiting. Cats like to have their hidden safe spots. As long as he comes out again and seems happy otherwise, I think you’re good.

    2. WS*

      It might not be fear of getting into trouble, he might just need a little time to adjust to more noise/movement in the house when you get home. If he’s not otherwise stressed or bothered, I would just leave him to it.

    3. TPS reporter*

      one of my cats was rescued as a stray also and sometimes has a fearful behavior when I get home. I think it’s more of an old instinct from life on the street to be wary of people/new things happening than anything else. he warms up in a bit after realizing it’s me and I haven’t brought home anything scary.

      it’s incredible to think they survived outside and I’m so happy to know they’re safe and comfortable now with us.

      1. TheBunny*

        Yeah. I think that’s part of it. He was a stray that my husband fed and cared for, but he lived outside and didn’t have a real home so he’s probably still got some of those instincts.

        I’m also probably projecting on him what MY version of happy looks like and it might not be what he wants.

        1. TPS reporter*

          I’ve adopted several cats from a variety for backgrounds. one thing I can say is that some are incredibly stubborn no matter how well they’re treated and others just adapt so well to any new situation. we do what we can. and just watch out for any signs that they’re truly unhappy, like excessive grooming or peeing in inappropriate places

          1. TheBunny*

            None of those things are happening. He’s snoozing on his cat tree right now after spending some time bird watching out the window. So he’s a pretty happy cat as far as I can tell…

    4. Animal worker*

      Another possibility is that the newer cat leaves to not compete with older cat for the initial greetings/attention with you, to avoid potential conflict between the cats. I have multiple parrots, and jealousy over attention including ‘first’ attention (in the morning, coming home after work, etc.) is definitely a thing some days. So newer cat might have just learned to react to body language or behavior of the other cat to give some space for that first attention period.

      1. TheBunny*

        That’s interesting. The older cat definitely seems to be the one in charge so maybe you are right.

        Really I just want him to be happy and know he’s safe…and I wish I could ask him.

    5. RagingADHD*

      Our more skittish cat always hides when visitors come in the door, and occasionally she will not realize it’s us, for some reason. She’ll go hide and then come back out a little while later.

      Maybe your cat is just a bit clueless, or hasn’t figured out how to immediately distinguish you from strangers, so it takes a minute.

      1. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

        Our cat (very recently our only cat after our senior kittizen passed a few weeks ago) will leap off the couch and run upstairs when she hears someone at the door, then turn around to see who it is. I blame her being a pandemic kitten, since for the first six months or so we had her nobody else ever came into the house. Our other cat loved everyone and wouldn’t let a plumber or anyone else enter the house without petting him.

  27. Cheezmouser*

    I’m diabetic and extremely sensitive to carbs, so the list of foods I can’t eat is very long. Sometimes in social situations (children’s birthday parties, work dinners, etc), people will look at me weird when I decline sweets, cake, chips, etc. or make comments that imply that I’m being snooty or a health nut. It makes me uncomfortable and defensive but I don’t know what to say without going into my medical condition. Any advice?

    1. jm*

      Food sensitivities are so common, my thought is just ignore anyone who seems to notice. Your food needs are not their problem

    2. The Dude Abides*

      If you’re going to say anything, offer them the chance to eat your share. Otherwise, mentally acknowledge that those people are dicks.

      1. Jackalope*

        I don’t eat some of that for a different health reason, but I’ll often airily wave my hand and say, “Oh, not my thing, but that means more for you!” People usually take the hint and just go with it. They don’t need to know that it’s not my thing because it makes me miserably sick.

        1. Cookies For Breakfast*

          This exactly! Also “I’m good, you have one for me!”

          This comes up for me in situations when alcohol is involved, and sometimes (e.g. former job with a big drinking culture) I’ve felt the need for a white lie. In those cases, my go-to was “oh, I’m good, I’ll have one later”. Then I didn’t, but people were hardly going to keep track. I still came across as snotty and a health nut to some, and mentally acknowledging people are dicks helped at that point.

    3. Double A*

      You don’t owe them this information, but “I can’t for medical reasons” might cut off some of those comments at the pass if you’re comfortable saying it.

      1. anon for this*

        This is what I usually do – “Can’t, thanks, complicated chronic-health stuff!” but said breezily. Sometimes I go for self-deprecation and say I would eat all that stuff except it’d make my internal organs hate me.

        1. Filosofickle*

          That is honestly not my experience at all. In my 50+ years it’s been rare for people to ask follow-up questions to a breezy “it’s medical” or “doctors orders!”.

          1. Non non non all the way home*

            You are so fortunate! I have multiple sclerosis and when I’ve had to mention it as a reason I couldn’t do something, a majority of acquaintances (and even strangers) will tell me what they think I should be doing to “cure” my MS.

    4. Lemonwhirl*

      You might want to work on ways to reframe and re-route your reaction so that you can feel more comfortable. What is it about these reactions that make you uncomfortable? It seems like it’s because the person is thinking something that you know isn’t true, but you understandably don’t want to get into your health condition. So what can you do to care less about what strangers or acquaintances think about your dietary choices? (I am guessing they are not close to you because they don’t know about your health conditions, but that’s an assumption on my part. I get that it’s way harder if you are being judged by people who are close to you.)

      1. allathian*

        Yes, I agree. You can’t control what other people say, but you can at least try to control your own reactions. S cheerful “yes I am a health nut” (because you’re avoiding carbs to stay healthy) might do it.

        It’s been my experience that when you cheerfully refuse to show shame for something that other people think is shameful, it takes the wind right out of judgy people’s sails.

    6. Two cents*

      Sometimes in social situations I try to be studiously oblivious. If folks are looking at me weird, I’ll put on my nicest confused face and ask in a concerned way if they’re OK or if something is the matter. Who knows, maybe something is!

      With my family’s sometimes judgemental looks, since I know exactly what it is and that we won’t have a good conversation out of it (again), it is more studiously oblivious in the sense that I ignore the heck out it. I acknowledge all possible positives (thank you for bringing me cake!), and completely ignore all negatives (ulterior motives, judgement of any kind).

      In both cases, I appear always polite and blameless, and any weirdness is on them. Takes some practice, but totally worth it for my peace of mind.

    7. Nicosloanita*

      Keep in mind, it’s quite likely the weirdness is coming from *them* because they are probably experiencing guilt/shame about doing something “unhealthy” and now they feel called out. None of that is on you to fix, it’s just that we have a weird culture around food/dieting and it makes us all nuts. Reframing it could help you have fewer feelings when people perform this ritual at you.

    8. RagingADHD*

      Big smile. Big, big smile.

      “Aren’t you sweet to be concerned about me? Thank you, I’m fine.”

      Yes, it is a non sequitur. And you infuse it with 100 percent of the “bless your heart” energy you can muster.

    9. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      I get this some because I do not like sweets. I think cake with frosting is maybe the worst food on the planet. People always think I am dieting.

      I would ignore looks, they may not mean what you think they mean.

      Comments there are a couple ways to deal with – but I would stick to very simple depending on how repeat an offender they are.
      “eh, just not really my thing”
      “and…?” or just the confused look
      “not really” and walk away

      But if people get pushy it is time to slam down a “what a weird thing to comment on” or “wow, why are you so obsessed with my food”

      I would not EVER use medical as a reason because people who are rude enough to comment on what you are eating are also people who tend to be overly nosy about your medical condition and will also have opinions on how you should take care of it.

      1. Clisby*

        Oh, man, I’m with you. I like very few sweet foods. Hasn’t been a problem in recent memory, but when I was a young adult it seemed like people were constantly pushing me to eat some sweet thing they made. (I was thin, so they’d say, “Look how skinny you are! You can afford to eat it!” Like I was dieting – I was not.) It was all I could do to refrain from snapping “If I wanted your damn coconut cake, I’d already have eaten a piece!”

  28. Reebee*

    I’d like to say to anyone who gives those raised eyebrows, weird looks, and “health nut” accusations to people like Cheezmouser when they decline to eat particular foods: “Mind your own damn business!”

    2. Samwise*

      If it’s a stranger, I like to put on a confused look and say, “Do I know you?”

      For people I know who will not let it go, I find that a really cold toned “my cardiologist would disagree with you” to be effective.

  29. Scout Finch*

    I came across a Dutch band – The Analogues – that plays the last 5 Beatles studio albums (Revolver, St. Pepper, White Album, Let It Be, Abbey Road) live front to back. They use the original period instruments (plus real strings and horns!). After watching them on YouTube, I am ready for a road trip to Amsterdam! Will post links in a followup comment.

    If you are in The Netherlands (or anywhere, I guess), have you heard of The Analogues? I doubt they are as popular as I think they should be :-) , but I see where they played PinkPop & some other music festivals per-pandemic. They have arena concerts scheduled through the end of the year (many are already sold out). The Beatles never played these albums live, so this is a treat for people like me.

  30. Cookies For Breakfast*

    Weirdest things your pets did to get back at you for perceived slights? Here’s my long story from this week, have a laugh on me.

    Our foster cats’ vaccinations were due, so, armed with courage, we took them to the vet. They don’t love being touched or cornered in small places, so getting them in the carriers came with scenes and sounds that wouldn’t be out of place in an Exorcist movie. But we did it!

    At the clinic, Most Riotous Cat was so stiff with dread, her vaccination was done in a minute. The vet gave her lots of scritches, and was even able to weigh her.

    Sweet But Skittish was another story. She would not be picked up, no Sir, not today Satan. She ran all over the vet’s desk, typing on his keyboard, nearly knocking over a bin of used syringes, sneaking out of the two blankets we’d thrown over her from opposite sides in a failed attempt to stop her. The vet said, at one point, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to vaccinate her. He definitely couldn’t weigh her: we had to phone from home with the weight of the empty carrier and do some math.

    Look, this still went a lot more smoothly than we had imagined. Back home, they immediately felt at ease again. So we spent the rest of the day telling them they are such good girls, and hadn’t we said everything would be ok?

    Now, two useful facts:

    1) The cats are not allowed in the bedroom, unless we are inside too. We keep the door closed at other times.
    2) The only time I entered the bedroom the whole day was at 6pm, to dump a pile of fresh laundry on the bed. We then went for a walk, and…guess I forgot to check the door?

    When I went back at night, things felt slightly off. Why were my favourite shorts still wet? Hmmm, maybe I took them down too soon, silly me. Nevermind, let’s scoop up the rest of the clothes and move them to the – HANG ON – what is this solid, slightly wet round shape I’m feeling with my hand beneath my blue summer dress?

    You’ve probably guessed what was going on. I’ll spare you the most graphic details. The cat pee had impressively seeped through a thick bed cover, regular sheet, fitted sheet, and mattress cover. I had to start a load of laundry right away to save my clothes from brown stains. It was midnight. Partner and I were still worn out from the vet adventure, but, I can’t stress this enough, the two four-legged psychos had been their usual selves all day. I guess it’s on me after all, should have been a responsible adult and folded the laundry right away.

    Anyway, cats for sale. £0.99 or best offer. I don’t know who exactly did it, but they come as a pair.

    1. Six Feldspar*

      Oh no! Commiserations (and if you want to feel better than someone, at least one person apparently discovered their cat had peed on the STOVE, the hard way, and cat pee apparently smells even worse when it’s heated…)

      My story:
      I had to take my housemate’s cat to the vet in a hurry once when she was away, and the revenge was well and truly had in the form of the drive up there… Picture me, mid twenties, very worried about the cat vomiting frequently while her person was away, driving at 110km/hr for an hour (and maybe a little faster because I was worried we’d miss the vet)… with the cat wandering around the car howling because we’d lent a friend the cat carrier the week before.

      Then I had to park at the vet, get out of the cat without the cat escaping, buy a cat carrier from the thankfully still open vet, get the cat into the carrier (she nearly escaped and I had to tackle her to the ground), and then take her into the vet. By this point I was in a very bad mood and the cat had to be sedated just to get her out of the carrier…

      All this to find out she was puking a lot lately because she was eating her food too fast and was otherwise fine.

      ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

      I never want to do a drive like that again (don’t ever do a drive like this), we had a veeeeeery sulky drive home, we were back to being friends again about a week later but never again.

    2. Cordelia*

      my old cat once had a similar vet-related grievance to express, and did it by pooing in my shoe. Not one I wear all the time though, in fact it was my “best” pair of shoes and only discovered a week later as I was leaving the house for an interview. I’d planned out my outfit but hadn’t checked the shoes.

    4. Spacewoman Spiff*

      Laughing because my cat was PEEING ON THE STOVE for a while, which I see has already been mentioned. I’m still unsure of the exact slight but he looked MAD the first time he did it, and then he did it a few more times, and I felt like all I was doing was obsessively cleaning and researching ways of keeping him off the stove, none of which worked. There was also the time I slightly moved his litter box while packing for a move, and he came into my bedroom where I was packing a box, gave me a LOOK, and proceeded to take a dump right in front of me on the carpet. Love cats! He showed me!

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I mean, I’d be pissed if I went into my bathroom and someone had moved the toilet with no warning!

    5. Morning Reader*

      I adopted my first cat when I moved into an apartment where they were allowed when I was pregnant. I returned to W at 8 weeks, and Baby went to a home day care a short distance from my office. I went there daily at 10:30 and 2:30 to nurse Baby. (This method avoided ever having to pump at W.)
      For some reason I thought kitten (almost a year old then) was lonely at home by himself when we were gone all day. I thought maybe he would enjoy going to day care with Baby. So, with day care provider permission, I packed him up with his supplies and took him there too. Now day care was five 2-year-old boys and my baby. Apparently Kitten did not enjoy this experience. When I went there that day on my break, they told me Kitten was in the bedroom with Baby waiting for me. Kitten was on the bed next to Baby. (Baby too young to roll over yet.) He stood up, looked me in the eye, and proceeded to take a dump on the bedcover, right next to Baby. I screamed and shouted, day care person came rushing in, baby cried; it was pandemonium. There is no way to stop a cat (or probably anyone else) in the middle of defecating once they’ve started.
      I don’t recall the aftermath much. I think apologies, laundry; cat was removed right away and I never tried that again.
      A few months later, got another cat. That one loved children and might have enjoyed a day with a room full of toddlers. We will never know.

      1. Pocket Mouse*

        I’m glad you say “for some reason” now, but yikes, that is colossally bad judgment on the part of the daycare provider. Aside from the actual liability aspect if a kid got bit or was sickened somehow, I can’t imagine the other parents were all consulted and agreed to it. I’d be furious if I found out my daycare provider did this, like what other risks are they taking with my child that I haven’t heard about?

    6. anon24*

      My cat likes to refuse to use the litter box when he’s mad at me for working too much. My other cat will vomit when she’s mad at me. I work 50-70 hours work weeks so I can pay my bills. If you’ve ever wanted to see someone crying while exhaustedly scrubbing cat urine and vomit off the floor after a 16 hour shift, stop by my apartment every 2 weeks or so :( (yes, they’re medically fine, just stressed jerks and I can’t fix it)

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I don’t know if this was getting back at him for anything in particular, but my Facebook memories for today include this story I shared three years ago this morning:
      Angua picked up her last bite of scrambled egg from tonight’s dinner, considered whether she wanted to eat it, then turned around and carefully deposited it into [husband]’s slipper. The Captain routinely stores her mice in his boots, so I’m not sure who’s teaching who the (funny as hell) bad habits. But I made my willpower roll and dumped it out for him rather than leaving him to find it.

      (Angua was my Elder Statesdog now gone beyond, she was eating scrambled egg because she was basically on hospice and would pass about 3 weeks later, and the Captain is my husband’s dippy cat who constantly leaves her catnip toys in his boots.)

    8. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Essentially the same story except it was a dog, she was upset because were doing a kitchen renovation and had packed stuff in boxes and SHE HATED BOXES, and she peed precisely on my pillow. Just mine. I guess she thought the upheaval was my idea and I’d forced my husband to go along with it.

    9. Nervous Nellie*

      Decades ago, I was washing dishes in the kitchen and saw my slinky black cat pounce on a bird in the backyard. I rushed outside and smacked the top of her head. She was so startled that she dropped the bird. The bird shook its head, got its bearings and immediately winged it up into a nearby tree to recover. My cat flashed me a furious look. I went back into the house. Moments later while I was back at the dishes, my cat slunk into the house, came up behind me and bit me hard on the ankle and then ran. She hid for about a day. The next evening she casually showed up at her bowl for dinner like nothing had happened.

      1. Not A Manager*

        I’m laughing because that seems like an appropriate response to you surprising her by bopping her on the head. Completely proportionate.

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Right? Totally. In cat world it was absolutely justified – I messed up her hunting trip. Even then I knew it was fair. I took my lumps and became more careful about locking the screen door, and knew it would be a great story for many years to come. It was days before she would cuddle on my lap again, but eventually all was forgiven.

    10. Animal worker*

      When I was a kid, we had a dachsund. Whenever we’d go on vacation or be away where she was left with a petsitter, she’d wait until we returned, and then take a dump on the middle of my parent’s bed once we returned. Pretty much every time.

    11. Rara Avis*

      Our neighbor had two well-loved and vocal Siamese cats. My brother and I did cat care when she traveled. After a week of feeding them early in the morning before school, he dared to sleep in on Saturday and arrived several hours later than the established pattern. They did not approve, and had spent the waiting time removing deposits from
      Their litter box and playing hockey with them on the kitchen floor.

    12. Lore*

      My late lamented cat was normally the friendliest of creatures (to adult humans anyway) and when I went away for more than a day or two, she’d be sweet as pie to the catsitter. But the minute I entered the apartment she’d come racing to the end of my narrow entry hall, plant her feet, arch her back, and hiss. Once. Then she’d come right to me for cuddles and supper. She just needed to establish her displeasure so I’d pay her sufficient attention.

    13. Seashell*

      My husband tells a story about his childhood dog returning home from the vet and lifting his leg to pee on the living room couch in full view of the whole family.

    14. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      I feel lucky. My dog’s primary source of revenge when he feels that he is left alone too long or not played with enough is he will systematically pull trash out of the trash can and shred it and deposit it throughout the house. It is a little gross because his favorite trash for this purpose is used kleenex and maxipads, so the bathroom doors are supposed to be closed when we leave the house, but he will be good for months and we will forget and then he gets spells of it.

      I need to remember that 4th of July will trigger it for at least a month.

    15. goddessoftransitory*

      My old cat, Danny, once looked me right in the eye, walked over, and peed on my Beanie Baby collection. I don’t know what I did but he was tetchy at the best of times.

    16. Sweet boi Mars*

      A new boyfriend slept over for the first time. My cat peed on him sometime during the night. Eventually they became friends lol.

    17. Chauncy Gardener*

      My story is so mild compared to these. Thanks, kitty!
      One time our cat had an ear issue and needed ear stuff put in her ear twice a day. This cat is the most tolerant cat I’ve ever seen and she hated this treatment with the heat of a thousand suns. One day I go to look for the tube of medication (which I had stupidly left on the big shelf that has her food dishes and brush etc) and I couldn’t find it anywhere! I looked high and low, but it was gone. Had to get new meds, which I hid. A couple of months later I decided to clean up a very large plant we had in the same room and there it was, in the middle of the plant. The plant was a large clivia, so had long strappy leaves coming out of the center of a very large pot. The cat must have taken the tube in her mouth, climbed into the plant and deposited it there!

  31. WoodswomanWrites, tech dinosaur*

    Decades ago, I attended an in-person exercise class offered through the adult community education program offered by the local school district. The teacher was terrific, the affordable class had a friendly vibe, and I liked the combination of low-impact aerobics, strengthening, and stretching. We became friends. I stopped going because I moved away.

    In 2021, I wondered if the leader had moved her class online due to the pandemic, and sure enough she had. It was great to remotely attend up to five sessions a week. It’s now a hybrid format, twice on Zoom and three in person that aren’t practical for me to attend. She’s trying to figure out how she could use her laptop to livestream one of the in-person classes to be available for remote attendees at the same time so they could attend three times a week.

    I like researching things, so I offered to do some digging. Obviously a gazillion people livestream their classes successfully. Is this going to be impossible with just her laptop at a different location than her home where she uses Zoom? I welcome tips on resources that I can share with our class leader to help her get started.

    1. RagingADHD*

      As long as the wifi at the studio is good and they don’t object, it should work exactly the same, technologically.

      The tricky bit will be finding a place to position the laptop where it isn’t in the way of the class but has a good enough view of her, and that’s just a matter of trial and error based on the size and shape of the room, whether her laptop needs an outlet or has enough battery, etc.

    2. Sunflower*

      that’s quite easy. zoom offers the webinar format for that (so all people watching are muted and don’t show up on the screen). she just needs a reliable internet connection and maybe a microphone for better audio capture.

    3. Girasol*

      Find a friend to be a remote student and test the course early from that location. Even when presenter is sure that everything is set up to work just fine, it mysteriously doesn’t on class day. All the students I know are used to the possibility that the first ten minutes of class will be, “Can you see this? Can you hear me? But this worked yesterday!” and think nothing of it more than “Glad I’m not the presenter today.” Still, it’s not a bad idea to set up and test early.

    4. MozartBookNerd*

      My little idea goes beyond “just her laptop,” so disregard if that’s a strict condition. But having a separate web cam, different from the one that is built into a laptop, can add a lot of flexibility if that’s needed. The web cam can sit at a diffeent spot in the room, be angled in certain ways, moved around, etc.

      It’d be an expense; and hooking it up with a cable and maybe a tripod is a little project. But neither of those is necessarily huge and maybe the adult education program would even help!

    5. Bart*

      My instructor just uses her iPad and is able to do everything on Zoom. Sometimes she has the iPad on her during a live class at our school’s gym and sometimes we are all on Zoom while she is ant home with her three kitties and sometimes she records a session to share with others. I assume WiFi access is needed in all cases. If only the participants would mute themselves…

    6. Grandma Mazur*

      My yoga teacher has a bracket that comes down from the ceiling and she puts her phone in that and checks from her laptop that the camera is pointing at her, she’s in the centre etc. – definitely seems easier to use a cell phone as the camera…

    8. Peter*

      My only concern would be in-person participants’ privacy.
      Many of the classes I’ve been to have the instructor at the front with a mirror behind them. I can see the other exercisers in that mirror, but that’s expected because we’re all in the same room.
      I wouldn’t want my exercising to be visible on a screen to be recorded and viewed by unknown people. On that basis, I recommend a separate camera, mutable mic, and some very careful placement – including at the start if people are having quiet words with the instructor about illnesses or issues to explain their range of movement.

  32. English Rose*

    We sometimes talk here about the pain when we lose our beloved pets. I read such a good article about it this week, really understanding from the perspective of the author and others who have been there, and it made me think of our Saturday conversations here.
    For example one person, whose family rejected him after he came out, speaks of rediscovering unconditional love with his cat. Beautiful article.
    I’ll leave the link in a comment to this, as it will probably go to moderation.

      2. Goldfeesh*

        That was a great article. I liked that they talked about anticipatory grief. I had that so bad with the rats I had during Covid. I was home so much more with them than previous rats, it was tough when their two-and-a-half-ish years were up. I had never been more sad over pets than those four when their times came up.

  33. StudentA*

    Anyone else get sad this time of year, without fail? I’ve always been a summer girl. I just can’t stand it ending. I look forward to it all year. And it just feels so short. It brings out the child in me. I don’t remember if it felt like this when I was a kid. I may have been preoccupied with back to school.

    If this happens to you, when does it start? For me, it’s most of the summer! Then in August it intensifies up until Labor Day.

    1. Six Feldspar*

      Yes at this time of year for me, but for the opposite reason! I appreciate the blossom and the extra daylight, but early spring turns into summer waaaaaay too quickly (I am Australian).

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      George Takei shared a nice bit about how you can be 85 years old, and still get anxiety when the back to school commercials start.

    4. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I’m also a summer girl! I have a summer birthday, love warm weather and long days (even in extreme heat I complain way less than when it’s chilly), and need to spend at least a few days per year on a beach to be happy.

      I start getting sadder around the start of September – kind of a “back to school vibe” even as an adult, as I’m usually travelling around the end of August. Most of all, though, it’s noticing evenings getting dark earlier than 8pm that starts the process. It always feels sudden in a way that days getting longer doesn’t. So it’s probably beginning this week without me fully realising :P

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Definitely the dark days. I live in Washington State where the amount of daylight varies hugely between winter and summer. I can live without the raised temps and mugginess, for sure, but it’s still a shock that first time you look out the window and it’s “already” dark.

    5. Nicosloanita*

      It’s funny, I’m always a little sad at fall – I grew up in a Northern clime with long, gloomy winters (but magnificent summers) and the approach of fall meant the good times were ending. Weirdly, I *no longer live in a place like that* and our winters here are actually quite mild and pleasant, but the childhood association is too strong. I don’t even like to see “back to school” stuff even though I didn’t particularly dislike school as a child and that was many many years ago – but I still get a weird surge of dread.

    6. tired turtle*

      The author Pam Houston (Cowboys are my weakness) shared a thing in one of her books (not that one) about having seasonal affective disorder, and she started to worry about the daylight going away in July. So, you’re definitely not alone.

      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        Cowboys Are My Weakness—a most-favorite book I finally had to stop lending out because people kept not-returning it!

        The first time I read “How to Talk to a Hunter” in that collection, I wondered if she’d been following me around, looking over my shoulder. (Okay, I was a lot younger then; living a different life from now.)

        Didn’t know about Houston’s SAD; sorry to hear it. But thanks for bringing her to mind … now where did I put my stash of Pam Houston books … ?

    7. Morning Reader*

      I notice it when the sun starts setting before 9:00, and the rise is so close to 7:00 that when it wakes me up, I already feel like I’ve overslept.
      It’s bittersweet. I love the autumn, the cooler crisper air, the apples and pumpkins, the colors. Summer tends to be my active, get out and do stuff, season. Especially as I’ve preferred outside well ventilated activities the last few years. By the end of summer I’m getting tired, though, and I have to push myself to see one more concert, one more art fair, the beach, the farmers market, before they all go away again. Also getting old enough to wonder, could this be my last summer? A touch of melancholy as the season fades, reminding us that our lives do too.

    8. GoryDetails*

      Not sad, exactly – though I do feel a mix of regret at the realization that most of the summer is gone and I didn’t do nearly as many things as I’d planned/hoped/expected to during that time. [Then again, as the decades pass, I feel that level of regret all. the. time. {rueful grin}]

      I do feel poignance at the coming of autumn – so many memories… But it isn’t really a sad feeling. I loved school, so the back-to-school thing was more positive than anything else, and even though it hasn’t been applicable to me in decades I do still sometimes feel the yearning to acquire some nice new pens and notebooks! And I dislike hot weather, so I look forward to the coming of cooler days and nights – though the “windows open” time in between “windows closed, air conditioning on” and “windows closed, heating on” seems to grow shorter every year.

      1. Jackalope*

        Yeah, I always have a feeling of mild excitement when I start seeing back to school ads, followed by a tinge of disappointment that I don’t get to go anymore. I mostly liked school reasonably well, and the first day of school was always kind of fun – we’d wear a brand new outfit from our new school clothes for the year, and have all of the new, freshly sharpened pencils, and a brand new notebook just waiting to be written in, and other new supplies depending on our ages.

      2. londonedit*

        Yes – I’ve been feeling particularly regretful this year because the weather in spring/early summer was mainly so awful, and it hasn’t exactly been brilliant even up to now apart from a few hot days here and there, so it feels like we’ve barely had a summer and now it’s almost over. I’m not even a massive summer person, I don’t like the heat and I can’t sit in the sun. But I’m already getting a bit sad because sunset is before 8:30pm now and sunrise is creeping towards 6am, so the ‘long summer days’ are already over and I haven’t spent nearly as many enjoyable evenings outdoors as I wanted to. I also haven’t really had what you’d call a ‘summer holiday’, just a bit of time off visiting family, and while that was nice I’m starting to regret not having a ‘proper’ break.

        But I don’t think I feel particularly sad about summer ending, just about the fact that I feel I ‘should have’ done more to make the most of it. Then again I always end up feeling like that about the Christmas period! As an adult it definitely all seems to whizz by so quickly, often before I feel like I’ve fully appreciated things.

    9. allathian*

      I always feel a little sad on summer solstice, because I’m at 60 N and a child of the light, and at that time we have 19 hours of daylight. The older and fatter I get, the less I enjoy excessive heat, though. That tiny sadness passes because I still have my long vacation to look forward to. The real sadness starts when nights get truly dark again.

      But I wish I could skip November completely, such a dark, wet, and depressing month. I feel better when there’s some snow on the ground, black Christmases are the worst.

      1. Filosofickle*

        I’ve had some similar feelings this year (though at a lower latitude). I joke that I am solar-powered, and I’ve always loved the the long daylight of summer. But I have never loved the heat of summer and in my current older-and-fatter condition I’m finding that I can’t even exercise in the littlest bit of heat. This summer is the first time I’ve ever wished for the sun to set earlier, so that I could take a walk when it’s cooler without that meaning an 8pm walk.

        1. allathian*

          Yes, hard agree on the exercise. That’s why I’m so glad that we have lots of great bike paths in my area, I find I get less sweaty riding than walking when it’s hot. Sure, I’ll sweat when I’m back home, but that’s when I hit the shower. I don’t enjoy being drenched with sweat just because I’m doing some light gardening (weeding, pruning, deadheading, watering). Our lot is surrounded by trees on three sides, so it’s half in shadow for most of the day.

          That said, I do enjoy the long midsummer evenings when it doesn’t get truly dark at all, just a sort of twilight. But it does mean that I need blackout curtains to sleep…

          I’ve visited Lapland once in summer, and it was weird to get up at 2 am to pee and the sun was shining bright outside. The darkest hour of the day was at 7 am when we got up for breakfast because a fog had descended into the valley.

    10. AGD*

      A little – I love the heat and light of summer, and always have, and feel really good during these months – but I work in higher education, which means I’m not usually stuck in the office anytime between mid-May and late August. Grateful for this, as I’d fiercely resent it otherwise. If work gets tough or the weather is awful in November or February, well, I can always look forward to the next summer.

    11. Anon Poster*

      It’s so funny to read this, because I was out for an hour long walk around 8:00 this morning, and all I could think was “oh my God I CAN’T WAIT for fall.” It was a zillion degrees out and 90% humidity (my phone literally said 90%), and all of us out there were just drenched in sweat. Winters here are very, very mild, so I’m really looking forward to the weather cooling down a bit and actually enjoying being outside again. I will miss the long daylight hours, though, and I do get a similar feeling of sadness at New Year’s. October – December is pretty nice weather-wise, and I’m a big holiday person. January and February are so blah, they’re my least favorite months.

        1. Clisby*

          Yes! I live in Charleston, SC, where 4 months of the year are unbearably hot. The other 8 are fine.

          1. Six Feldspar*

            Wish me luck, I’m heading into Australian spring and then straight on to summer… Enjoy the autumn up there!

      2. Person from the Resume*

        Ha! Yes. I don’t feel what the OP just posted.

        1) We just passed the hottest average day so we’re on the downslope, but IT IS STILL UNBEARABLY and dangerously HOT.

        2) It won’t start feeling like fall until October, if we’re lucky.

        So no one is mourning summer in my neighborhood yet, but kids are back to school.

    12. Clisby*

      Yes, but it’s not because I regret summer ending. It’s because I HATE summer where I live. I cheer right up once we get to October.

    13. CTT*

      I always get dumber when summer ends, usually the week or so before Labor Day. I think my problem is that a lot of traditional fall activities that people post about are not things I enjoy (I dislike pumpkin/cinnamon/nutmeg flavors, I get fall allergies, I don’t suit a chunky knit sweater), and so there is so much “I’m so excited for [x]!” and I just wish I could continue sitting in a shady corner of the pool with a book.

    14. End of summer blues*

      I have two contrary feelings about summer ending. On the one hand, I really dislike being outdoors when the temps are over 85 and the humidity is high, as it is for most of the summer. So yay, it’s getting a bit cooler now and being outside is much more tolerable, and it’s still light at 8:00 pm. It’s a nice time of year.

      The other hand is that I live in a college town that is blissfully empty all summer, and then 30000 students show up all at once near the end of August, more than doubling the local population.

      Classes start in a week. This week various subgroups of students will be moving in, and next weekend everyone else will pour in all at once. The town will be busier, more crowded, and a lot younger than it’s been for 3 months. I always find it unsettling to go from peaceful summertime to frenetic fall so thoroughly and so rapidly. I think I have Student Affective Disorder.

    15. Ali*

      I agree with you 100%. I love summer, and I spend most of the summer dreading the end of summer! On top of that, I’m in New England, and global warming is kind of ruining the experience of summer. There will be long stretches of days when it’s too brutally hot to do anything outside and I have to keep the blinds closed. So I feel like summer is slipping through my fingers in more than one way.

  34. Falling Diphthong*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    I watched Season 4 of The Umbrella Academy, which alas wasn’t very good. I watched all six episodes as a completist, but it felt like a rehash of the same old plotlines with no attempt to think through whether anything made sense, and not enough fast-paced zaniness to make you not care about making sense. (Like, a character is killed and replaced by a double, and… the character was doing exactly what the killer wanted. Absolutely nothing was gained.)

    I think Seasons 1 and 2 are really good and 3 more uneven.

    1. Helvetica*

      I don’t know if it is available in the US but I saw “There’s still tomorrow” (Ce ancora domani) and really loved it. Some of it is so heartbreaking but the ending – which I shall not reveal – makes up for all of it. A truly mindblowing movie.

      1. allathian*

        I enjoyed La Chimera, with Josh O’Connor (probably best known for playing Prince Charles in The Crown) as the lead. He was playing an Englishman, my Italian isn’t good enough to judge his accent but it sounded worse when he was being taught to speak Italian than it did the rest of the time. It was set in the late 70s or early 80s, which felt very much like a Kaurismäki movie, but there were enough fantastical elements in it to feel like David Lynch had a hand in the script. Directed by Alice Rohrwacher, two out of three scriptwriters were also women. The ending was rather sudden but I enjoyed the story.

    2. TPS reporter*

      I just started watching Evil, from the creators of The Good Wife, The Good Fight and Elsbeth. It’s a lot of dark humor and fun cases of the week. Im getting in Halloween mode a bit early.

    3. GoryDetails*

      Now that the Olympics have ended (and the Paralympics haven’t started yet) I’m back to my normal viewing routine. Caught the eerie/lovely 1948 film “Portrait of Jennie” via TCM; I’d seen it before but it’s still enjoyable. (It was part of the channel’s practice of choosing films featuring one key performer for a 24-hour themed marathon; Joseph Cotten was the performer for that one, though the film features other noted actors – including Jennifer Jones, Ethel Barrymore, and even Lillian Gish.) The movie was one of my mother’s favorites, though in the days before streaming video it was hard to find, so we never got to watch it together.

      Another – and completely new-to-me – film from that 24-hour period: “The Man With a Cloak” from 1951, with Cotten appearing as a mysterious figure whose true identity might come as a surprise to some, though for me the details tipped me off very early on. Not as good a movie as I’d hoped, but it had its points!

        1. GoryDetails*

          Yep, that one was in there as well. I think that’s the one that first made me appreciate Joseph Cotten! (Though “Magnificent Ambersons” was also fun…)

    5. Writerling*

      I’m going to start watching Leverage now that the first three season are up on youtube! Very late, but internet friends keep lauding it so I’m excited.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I strongly recommend watching in order, as the writers build in a lot of humor that comes from knowing the characters.

        I remember initially watching a middle episode–which to be fair isn’t the strongest entry–and something happened that seemed lame. Didn’t watch another. Later I watched the series from start with one of my kids, and when we got to that same scene it was now hilarious, since I knew the characters enough to get whole layers of humor that escaped me the first time.

    6. fposte*

      Guy Montgomery’s Guy Mont-Spelling Bee has dropped the full first Australian season!

      Guy is a hilariously dry NZ comedian who started doing Zoom comedy spelling bees with friends (including people like Paul F. Tompkins and Ayo Edibiri) during the pandemic. It became a TV show, with perfect retro graphics and wardrobe (Guy has had an amazing run of very wide, brown-dominant ties), for NZ last year. Now there’s an Aussie version as well, with Aaron Chen from Fisk as the even dryer-than-Guy assistant. There is actual spelling, but it is also ridiculous—like, spell the dance these professional dancers are doing for two points. If you don’t know the name of the dance, the host will GP give it to you, but that takes one point off and you have to do the dance while spelling.

      It’s basically a guy mercilessly torturing his friends with orthography, and it is dumb, delightful hilarity.

    7. Chaordic One*

      I’ve been watching the ITV miniseries “Nolly” on my local PBS station. I enjoyed it and then was surprised to discover that it was based on the true story of the late actress, Noele “Nolly” Gordon, a British soap opera queen from a long ago cancelled soap called “Crossroads.”

      (I’ve never really gotten into British soaps although I did once live in a town where the local PBS station broadcast “Coronation Street” which I watched a few times.) Anyway, the miniseries “Nolly” led me down a rabbit hole where I’ve been a bit preoccupied with watching old episodes of the original “Crossroads” show on YouTube and interviews with Nolly before she passed.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      Rewatching Dark Shadows and kind of searching around for an alternate “lunch/dinner” show. We might try Midnight Mass or The Good Girl’s Guide to Murder on Netflix.

    9. Professor Plum*

      Just watched seasons 1 and 2 of Unstable, a quirky comedy starring Rob Lowe and his son John Owen Lowe. Father and son actors playing father and son characters makes for some interesting dynamics. The son is dealing with what it’s like to always be in his famous father’s shadow. It’s on Netflix if you want to give it a try.

      1. allathian*

        That sounds a bit like the Voyager episode where John de Lancie’s son appeared as a very junior Q, and the father-son dynamic was rather cool.

        Still enjoying our rewatch of Enterprise. We’re nearly done with season 3. This time the antagonism between Lieutenant Reed and Major Hayes is giving me distinctly (unacknowledged) homoerotic vibes, even if unintentional on the writers’ part.

        I still think it’s a shame that the showrunners on DS9 told the actors to tone down any hints of an attraction between Dr. Bashir and Garak. Both Alexander Siddig and Andrew Robinson, especially the latter, would’ve been on board for a relationship between the two.

    10. heckofabecca*

      I watched episodes 1&2 of TUA season 4, and it was really disappointing! Pretty much everything I liked about the show was either greatly decreased or entirely missing. I agree with you re: seasons 1-3.

      I remain obsessed with Dead Boy Detectives and routinely go in for a rewatch. HIGHLY recommended, if you can stomach teenagers XD

      In terms of things currently airing, Never Stop Blowing Up (the current season of Dimension 20 on DropoutTV) is INSANE in all the best ways. Truly unhinged. My face hurts from laughing EVERY time.

      I also watched a few episodes of Craig of the Creek for the first time, and it’s a really nice, low-effort cartoon that is soothing.

  35. Laundry tips?*

    I’ve just moved from a place with extremely soft water to extremely hard water. Any laundry tips? Add vinegar to the wash? More soap? Less soap? In the soft-water area, the general wisdom was to use half the laundry soap recommended.
    And, is there any way to get whites white, without bleach?

    1. Reba*

      Boosters like borax or the Charlie’s booster powder help with the mineral situation. Many people swear by vinegar in the rinse. You will need more detergent and warmer wash cycles, so you have some experimenting ahead.
      Oxygen bleach for whites.

    2. Peanut Hamper*

      I have extremely hard water, and yes, definitely less soap. Most people use too much soap to begin with. A bit of vinegar in the wash will help.

      No softener, either. Use vinegar as softener. It works wonders.

      The same is true of the dishwasher. Use minimal soap, and add a small bowl of vinegar to the top rack before you turn it on. It really does help cut down on streaks, far better than any rinse-aid I’ve ever tried.

    3. Rara Avis*

      I read that vinegar should not be used regularly, because it damages anything rubber in the washer — hoses, door gaskets, etc.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        I’ve used it for years, and never had a problem. It gets diluted quite a bit in the wash/rinse, so it’s not very concentrated.

    4. Harlowe*

      If you are owning rather than renting, I highly recommend a full-house filter and softener system. Our water was so hard that it ate through the stainless washer tub. Destroyed an industrial model Speed Queen in less than five years, from brand new.

      1. sagewhiz*

        Agreed.

        My son’s house currently has hard water, which did damage appliances. He says along with the vinegar in the dishwasher, switching from liquid detergent to Cascade pods made a big difference.

    5. Jules the First*

      Hard water needs more soap, not less. You may then need an occasional extra rinse, but in most cases you’ll be fine. Three options for getting your whites white without bleach: be scrupulous about doing only a whites wash, with fairly hot water; boil your whites in a huge pot on the stove every so often and then wash; hang outdoors in the sun.

      But best for hard water is a house-wide softener system if you can swing it.

  36. HomebodyHouseplant*

    did anyone else here see that incredibly disturbing article on The Cut this week about the cat? Considering Alison often writes for them and is a huge cat lover and advocate, I’d love to know how giving a platform to something so heinous might influence the relationship you have with them if it does.

    1. Not A Manager*

      Was it heinous? Someone seriously considered doing something they knew was wrong, they didn’t do it, made amends, and repaired the relationship.

      There was some earlier stuff in their interactions that bothered me more, but people make mistakes and they learn from them. I’ve certainly made many mistakes in my relationships with humans. I hope I learned from them and did better, as the author seemed to do.

      1. HomebodyHouseplant*

        The author admitted to not providing the cat water and leaving the window open to hopefully escape and die. What I read was a tale of animal abuse.

          1. Six for the truth over solace in lies*

            I’m quoting the article, so warning for serious animal neglect:

            “Basic needs went unmet. I often forgot to feed Lucky, which caused her to eat houseplants in desperation and puke them up. She shat and urinated on the floor in protest of her overflowing litter box. A few weeks in, I abandoned the effort of wet food altogether and placed a trough of dry food in a corner; Lucky binged and gained a statistically significant amount of weight, which made it impossible for her to self-groom, leaving her greasy and coated in dandruff. She lost at least one tooth. (No idea where it went.) I forgot to fill her water bowl, which I didn’t realize until I saw paw prints all over the toilet seat — her hydration source of last resort. The toilet paw prints broke my heart a little bit. If I treated a human the way I treated my cat, I would be in prison for years.”

            In my state that meets the standard for felony animal cruelty. This was not depicted as a turning point; it was after this that she started leaving the window open in the hope that the cat would leave (but made no effort to safely rehome her).

            1. Saturday*

              Oh… I actually thought we were talking about a different article.
              I still don’t think that a publication printing an article like this should be condemned (no one is advocating animal abuse), but I realize now we were talking about different articles in the same series.

    2. The Prettiest Curse*

      Eh, given the sheer volume of content produced by any media outlet, I feel it’s safe to assume that simply having your columns syndicated there doesn’t constitute some kind of moral endorsement of 100% of the opinions in said outlet’s content.

    3. RagingADHD*

      Maybe I read a different article, but do you mean the article about the woman with postpartum depression who is barely holding her life together and realizes that, while she is managing to meet her baby’s needs, she isn’t being a great pet owner for the last 3 months, but her friends are encouraging her not to give up because things get easier as the baby gets older?

      As far as I can tell, the worst thing that actually happened to the cat is that she forgot to feed it a couple of times, and then it got dandruff from weight gain. The rest is the author self-flagellating.

      I can’t imagine why you would think Alison should reconsider writing for an outlet just because it has realistic essays about mental health issues.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I removed a pretty horrific description of animal abuse here, since I don’t think people come here expecting to read that (nor do I think the Cut should have published it, for what that’s worth, but they don’t consult with me on what they publish, nor do I expect them to).

      2. Six for the truth over solace in lies*

        I suspect you read a different article. Look for the one where the cat is named “Lucky.”

    4. Puffle*

      It took me a little while to work out which article you meant- I think The Cut published two different articles by different writers on the same day, both writing about their cats- it might be worth adding the headline to clarify which one you mean?

  37. slowingaging*

    Does anyone have a good recipe for hummus. You guys always seem to come up with great ideas

    1. Writerling*

      I don’t know about recipe because I guesstimate my quantities, but aside from the basics of lemon juice, olive oil, and garlic (tahini in moderate amounts if I have it), I do love adding olives or sundried tomatoes!

    2. Anon Poster*

      I have struggled and struggled to find a plain hummus recipe that I love every time, I find the garlic and lemon ratio so tricky! But I will share this sun dried tomato & basil hummus recipe I came across on a food blog years ago. When I bring it to family or friend gatherings, it’s usually pretty popular across the board.

      1 (15 oz) can chick peas, drained and liquid reserved
      1/3 cup sun dried tomatoes in olive oil (about 8), strained, plus more for garnish
      2 Tbsp olive oil from sun dried tomato jar
      3 Tbsp fresh lemon juice
      2 Tbsp tahini
      1 large clove garlic
      1/2 tsp salt , or to taste
      2 Tbsp chopped fresh basil , plus more for garnish

      Blend everything in the food processor all at once except the basil, and use the chickpea liquid to thin out as needed. Drop the basil in at the end and pulse just enough that the basil gets mixed in.

      1. slowingaging*

        Thank you I will give it a try. I found one recipe that insisted the order in which you blitzed the ingredients matters. I suppose, I could divide the recipe in half and try it with the regimented mixed rule and the dump everything in version.

        1. Anon Poster*

          I have tried so many recipes and I can truly never tell the difference between blending in a specific order vs. dumping it all in at once. But I am also a lazy person, people with palates more refined than mine might rightly beg to differ!

    3. casts*

      My Hubby’s Hummus recipe in one of the boston newspapers (if you google that name it comes up) – it’s the best I’ve ever had.

      1. fluffy clouds*

        hmm, a recipe from the boston globe splashed across the screen, then got covered with an ad I couldn’t make go away. The beginning part looked the same as mine.

        1 cup dried chickpeas (soak, then boil till soft). you can add a touch – 1/4 tsp or so, of baking soda to the water, if you want.
        1 clove garlic,
        1/4 tahini (or peanut butter)
        1/4 c olive oil
        1 lemon or lime,
        salt

        Once the chickpeas are soft and cool, strain them (maybe keeping about 1/3 c of the water they boiled in for a reserve), throw them in a blender. Add the olive oil and tahini. I grate in the garlic, having grated it on a fine setting. I add in about half the grated rind of lemon and the juice. (this might be a bit too lemony for some people, but I really like the lemony flavour), and start with about 1 tsp of salt. Blend till smooth. If this gets a little too chunky/hard to blend, you can add back: the water you held in reserve or fresh water or a touch more oil. I’d probably add a touch more salt. The first couple of times you make it, watch your ingredients: do you want it saltier? less lemon? The flavour will change when it sits for awhile, so keep that in mind. Nice toppings are chopped olives, smoked paprika, sundried tomatoes, etc.

        If you don’t want to start with dried chickpeas, 1 cup dried makes 3 cups cooked.

    4. Peanut Hamper*

      Try rubbing the chickpeas between tea towels to remove the skins. It makes for a creamier hummus (although you probably lose a bit of fiber).

    5. Unkempt Flatware*

      The easiest one I make is using trader joe’s tinned chickpeas in parsley and cumin. I whip it up in my food processor with a half jar of their kalamata olives in brine. Fabulous and simple.

    6. Missa Brevis*

      Highly recommend the Smitten Kitchen hummus recipe. Makes the easiest, smoothest hummus, with just the right amount of garlic. I can’t go back to store bought.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Seconding Smitten Kitchen’s hummus, and honestly peeling the chickpeas is quite satisfying!

        1. slowingaging*

          looks good I’ll try it this week, ok I will try all of them and do taste testing thanks

    7. Nicole76*

      I love this basic recipe more than any hummus I’ve purchased at the store.

      Ingredients (Makes 2 cups)
      14 oz chickpeas (1 can)
      2 cloves garlic
      1/4 cup tahini sauce
      2 tablespoons lemon juice
      1/2 tsp cumin
      1/2 tsp red pepper flakes
      1/2 tsp salt
      1/2 tsp black pepper
      2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
      2-4 tablespoons water

      Directions
      1. Add chickpeas, garlic, tahini, lemon juice, and seasonings to the bowl of a 2-quart food processor. Blend until smooth.
      2. While blending, slowly add in the olive oil and water until hummus is creamy and smooth.
      3. Garnish with additional red pepper flakes, chopped parsley, and a drizzle of olive oil.

    8. BikeWalkBarb*

      A tip I read in the recipe from The Mediterranean Dish that does seem to make a difference: As you’re blending throw in a couple of ice cubes and blend until they’re gone. It lightens the texture and makes it fluffy. Her recipe is really good, too.

  38. WellRed*

    Thanks to the highway drive encouragement last week, everyone. I’m on the Cape for another week but even feel like I got some old driving confidence back. I focused on my self, left early and remind myself that we all just want to arrive safely at our destination— even Massholes ; )

  39. Cat litter systems*

    I’ve only just used up my giant stash of Litter Locker cartridges, only to find that the brand has gone defunct in the U.S. Has everyone switched to the Litter Genie instead? Is there a better option? (Not looking for an automated box, just a disposal system.)

    1. Liminality*

      I’ve never used a litter locker, but when my sister saw how well my litter genie worked for me she went out and bought one too. :)

    2. Double A*

      I used to use a litter locker but now I’ve just switched to a small trash can with a lid. I also flush the poop so it’s just pee litter that gets put in the trashcan. Since the can is small I empty it every few days.

      I’ve kind of heard you’re not supposed to flush cat poop but I don’t really know why. We have indoor only cats so disease isn’t an issue and we’re on a septic. We used a “flushable” litter but only small amounts get flushed.

    4. Spacewoman Spiff*

      I just got a Litter Genie about a month ago and highly recommend. It really does contain the smells…though I throw on one of my KN95s when it’s time to empty it. :)

    5. LL user*

      We have a litter locker and discovered the generic diaper genie refills fit it pretty well. We use the Amazon brand ones for our toddler’s diaper genie and cat’s litter locker. Cheaper than the litter locker refills used to be too!

  40. Ginger Cat Lady*

    The reserve dinner.
    Am I the only one who likes to have the makings of a dinner (that’s NOT on the meal plan) at all times? I like to do this and have it be something “scaleable” – so I can make it for just the two empty nesters who live here full time OR make enough for 5-6 people if the college kids come home and bring a friend or two. Which happens like once a month!
    And it’s driving me crazy because my husband keeps including my reserve dinner into his meal planning! He says there’s no sense buying more groceries when that stuff is in the freezer. We are doing just fine financially and do not need to be so stingy with the grocery budget that we can’t keep some stuff in reserve. We’re talking a bag of pasta, a jar of sauce, a pound of ground beef, and some frozen veggies. Maybe frozen garlic bread. Or some rice, canned chicken, black beans, frozen corn and a jar of salsa to make rice bowls. Not a lot of food.
    It’s actually MORE expensive to order pizza for the unexpected guests (which is what we end up doing) than it would be to keep a reserve meal.
    But then he wouldn’t get to brag about how he always spends less at the store, lol.
    Taking suggestions for the husband issue as well as reserve dinner ideas.

    1. Jay*

      Middle aged guy here, on a planned meal heavy diet.
      Is there any chance that your husband is using the “unexpected guests” (who show up often enough to be very, very expected) as an excuse to order pizza?
      I’ve seen this happen more than a few times with friends and family.
      I may or may not have resorted to this from time to time over the years, myself…..
      By which I mean as often as twice a week at some points in my life ;)

    2. Not A Manager*

      * Tell him emergency take-out gets added to his grocery total when it comes to bragging rights.

      * Alternatively, make him “repay” the cost of the reserve items from his grocery money when he uses them for home dinners.

      * Store all the reserve supplies in anonymous packaging. Most people forget about anything they can’t clearly see.

      * Hide the non-perishables in a box on your closet shelf.

      * Have a conversation with him about why he’s unwilling to cooperate with something that matters to you.

    3. Lifelong student*

      Could you point out that keeping the pantry/freezer stocked allows you to save money in the long term because you can buy things on sale or with coupons and use them over long periods of time? We often stock up on things that can sometimes sit on the shelf for quite a while. You could probably document the savings with a bit of work by showing how much more that would cost at a later date.

    4. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      Always!!! I have several go to emergency dinner and the rule is there has to be rice, pasta, pasta sauce, beans, canned tomatoes, frozen broccoli, onions and carrots, and at least 2 lbs of protein in the freezer at all times above what is needed for meals.

      It’s also handy for the days where something goes wrong with the plan!

    5. Morning Reader*

      This might be a “shopping list” organization issue. You could simply add the used-up reserve items to your next grocery list and replace them, whenever they get used. (If you divide up the shopping, put them on his list.) And keep two of everything in reserve and replace when you’re down to one.
      That way, everything on reserve gets used up and rotated out before it gets too old, and replaced with fresher stuff.
      I defrosted the freezer I bought in 2020, just this year. Tossed a variety of things I made and froze in 2020-21. It’s good to use up frozen things within a year. Clearly I have never been as organized as I’m suggesting here.

      1. Ginger Cat Lady*

        That’s what I end up doing every single time I grocery shop. I would just like my reserve dinners to stick around longer than the very next meal planning cycle!

    6. Two cents*

      This might sound silly, but can you put the emergency meal ingredients somewhere else and not with their normal-meal-planning brethren? Doesn’t work for the freezer, of course. But I always have emergency meals and in a multiple-person household, I find it helpful to sequester the ingredients if they are shelf stable. So when the other person goes through the pantry they don’t take in to account those noodles or that jar of sauce, which they don’t know I keep for sudden onset guests becauee they dont live in my brain. I wouldn’t say they’re hidden, but they’re not in the normal spot. If you’re hosting suddenly on the regular there’s no danger of it going off or getting bugs due to sitting forgotten for ages. Just a thought!

      1. Ginger Cat Lady*

        We don’t really have a good spot anywhere but the pantry, but they’ve been in a clear plastic bin on the top shelf, away from the regular more easily accessible stuff, for a few months now, and it hasn’t changed a thing.

    7. Still*

      Is this an issue of logistics (husband can’t keep track of what’s set aside for surprise guests and what can be used for the regular meals) or willingness (he’s perfectly aware what’s what but just doesn’t agree with your way of doing things)? Or a mix of both: it’s tricky to keep track so it’s easier to insist he shouldn’t have to?

    8. Jules the First*

      Shelf stable reserve dinner in a box somewhere unexpected. My mom’s go-to is dried fettuccini, tinned evaporated milk, and tinned salmon (once you’ve drained the fettuccine, you pour over the evaporated milk and stir like crazy over a gentle heat and you get a lighter alfredo sauce; stir through the salmon and you’ve got yourself a salmon alfredo. Top with a bit of parmesan and some frozen peas if you’ve got them…)

    9. goddessoftransitory*

      Lord, yes. For instance, right now we have the makings of cacio e pepe pasta in the house. We’re out of tomato soup, but normally we have that, American cheese and bread for a quickie dinner of grilled cheese and soup.

      It’s one thing to not buy lots of extra greens or dairy that can only last so long, but it’s silly not to have some jars of pasta sauce or peanut butter or rice around if you can. I’d say your husband is being very performative/penny wise and pound foolish in his “economy.”

    10. BikeWalkBarb*

      Do you have a totally empty freezer and pantry so he can pick out the “excess” food at a glance? I wouldn’t be able to keep this close a tally on exactly how many meals’ worth I have on hand. My kids at one point complained, “Mom, our pantry is just full of ingredients!”

      How about budget logic at a larger scale? When he uses what’s in the freezer and pantry you replace it so the money gets spent. At that point the groceries will be whatever price they are. All savings from buying on sale and stocking up a little ahead are lost. Buying things on sale and saving money doesn’t matter to him? Can you redirect his interest in controlling food costs toward getting the best possible unit price on staples like macaroni, not on trying to hit some specific dollar mark in a given week?

      Does he have any sense of humor? I’m thinking of the idea of a game of hide and seek. Not with the perishables, obviously. But you get a big bag of spaghetti and hide it somewhere (under the bed, in a drawer that isn’t opened very often). The first time you need to use it the game is up because you magically produce spaghetti. So then you get a different staple, hide it in a different place. Eventually you catch him laughing and can have a real discussion of how humorous it is to have to hide food. This is much more indirect than “What is it with these control issues? I need to know I have one meal on hand and I need you to accept that and stop what you’re doing.” But it has entertainment value and maybe you need a laugh about this too. It sounds both frustrating and silly (on his part).

      1. Ginger Cat Lady*

        This is pretty much what happens. My grocery trips are always more expensive, because of this, because he doesn’t evaluate and replace condiments, because I stock up on bargains, etc. Which doesn’t bother me in the slightest, because it’s all the same bank account and all the same monthly budget. He’s just a competitive guy and plays it like a game.

        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          We have a freezer full of meat and a pantry full of canned goods and I’m usually the one who thinks we should cook more of what we have because there’s no room in either the freezer or the pantry. So we do it our way, which isn’t the point. This is a husband issue, not a grocery shopping/meal planning issue. Money stuff is usually about more than money. I can think of a lot of possible reasons for his behavior and none of my speculation matters.

          At some non-pressured time when things feel good between you, tell him you’d like to check in about something that’s bugging you. “It means a lot to me to have shelf-stable ingredients that we keep around for a reserve dinner. When you use that up for a regular weeknight dinner, I feel like my opinions and priorities don’t matter.” Listen to what he says and reflect it back. “So you feel like the most important thing is for you, personally, to spend as little as possible at the grocery store.” Wait for him to agree that yes, that’s what he said. Then you have to decide if you want to deal with the fact that he’s dismissing what you want or show him the financial wisdom of your way of doing things. I’d be inclined to go for the former and talk about wanting to feel like my preferences matter.

          Are you keeping your finances separate? If so, then he “pays” for whatever he uses no matter who actually buys it. You could keep a list on the fridge with the amounts totted up.

          1. Loreli*

            I’d want more than one meal in reserve. Rotate non-perishables every 6 months or so. Having only a single week’s worth of groceries in the house isn’t enough “be prepared” (can you tell I was a Girl Scout back in the day). Otherwise what happens if you can’t shop some week, car breaks down, people get sick, unexpected company, etc.

            Besides, you can’t take advantage of sales if you can only buy one can of beans or one pound of spaghetti on each grocery store visit.

          2. Ginger Cat Lady*

            Finances are combined, which is why it does not matter to me who spends more and who spends less at the grocery store. It’s all the same money! He is a pretty competitive person (I love the man, but I do not recommend anyone play monopoly with him!) and for some reason, lately grocery shopping is competitive for him, but not for me.

            2. allathian*

              I find it interesting what some people will put up with in a relationship. I hate the fact that our modern society is so competitive, and I’ll opt out of that whenever I can. Luckily my husband’s on the same page, we don’t even play board games anymore. Not because we’re sore losers, but because we don’t like competing against each other, not even playful competition.

              Thankfully both sets of grandparents enjoy board games, so our son hasn’t missed out just because we don’t play.

              But yeah, I agree that this is more than just about the grocery shopping. He’s treating you like your preferences don’t matter to him, and that’s not good.

              Put the reserve dinner ingredients on his shopping list whenever he uses them up, maybe that’d help?

  41. Past Lurker*

    Does anyone know where you can get perfume testers/ miniatures? I used to get them through a catalog but that company went out of business.

    1. Missa Brevis*

      Luckyscent does 1mL sample vials of nearly every fragrance they sell for $3 or $4 a piece, and also tons of ‘discovery sets’ for specific brands if you want something a little more substantial

  42. Uganda*

    I am traveling to Uganda this December. Any recommendations for Kampala and for a safari?
    Also, how to choose a good safari?

    1. Six Feldspar*

      Ymmv but I went on a tour through Zambia/Zimbabwe/South Africa with G Adventures a few years ago and really enjoyed it – a group of about 20 people, we had to put up/take down our tents and pack our bags but otherwise got taken care of, and the guides were very confident and friendly.

  43. CoffeeIsMyFriend*

    my toddler is about to transition to a new room at daycare so I would like to give his current teachers a gift.
    my preference would be to just give them cash so they can do with it what they want… but then I feel weird giving cash. thoughts?

    I know I can give Visa gift cards but they have an extra fee when I buy them and with all the gift card fraud I’m a little hesitant

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I think cash is an excellent gift to give someone who in some sense works for you. Just like if it was your employer giving something to you, “more money” would be a good bet for something you’d like, heavily edging out “themed water bottle” or “signed photo of coworker dressed as a pirate.”

      Cash is weird to give as a gift when someone is doing you a favor–so trying to force it on the stranger who helped change your car tire, or neighbor who loaned you a wheelbarrow, reads as trying to make them your employee rather than an equal kindly granting you a favor. If someone is actually your employee, giving a bonus is a perfectly normal way to thank them for doing something you appreciated.

      Put another way, I pay my child cat sitters. But when I had to suddenly leave town for a family illness and the only option was an adult neighbor, I thanked them, brought back some sort of food from my destination as a gift, and was available if they needed help. (I sometimes water their plants; they don’t have cats so I shall never watch their cat in a family emergency.)

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Your child’s daycare provider is a lot more akin to your nanny than to your neighbor who sometimes volunteers to watch your kids for free as a favor.

    2. Anon Poster*

      My school gave us grocery store gift cards last year, which I appreciated so much because we’ve all been suffering the price of groceries, and I buy a lot of things for my classroom at the grocery store. That was a great gift for my area specifically, because we only have one grocery chain here. Not sure if that would work quite as well in a town/city where there are multiple grocery store options?

      1. CoffeeIsMyFriend*

        I thought of that but we have a ton of grocery stores around here and people have very strong opinions where they shop!

    3. Hyaline*

      For teacher gifts I typically give gift cards to places that are fairly universally usable, like target or DoorDash.

      1. Fastest Thumb in the West*

        I am a teacher and last year I twice received Target gift cards that had been fraudulently emptied. I receive a lot of Amazon gift cards and have never had a problem with those, but our school now recommends to parents that they give us cash due to card issues. It does feel a little awkward- like I’m a waitress getting a tip- but I love the safety and versatility of cash. The parents at my school are generous and I try to use their gifts to buy things I can use in the classroom that benefit their kids so it’s a win-win for everyone.

        2. CoffeeIsMyFriend*

          I was hoping a teacher would chime in
          the fraud really concerns me with gift cards in general but I also don’t really want to put together a basket of things that they may or may not like or need

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        I’d recommend specific cards as well, as opposed to, say, a Visa gift card, because there are so many places that won’t accept those cards (often because they’re designed to automatically add a tip when buying at a restaurant and confuse said restaurant’s software, or similar issues.)

        1. CoffeeIsMyFriend*

          that’s good to know about the Visa cards. it’s been on my to do list to investigate their limitations

    4. Winter*

      I’ve been a teacher in early childhood for 20 years and I would feel so awkward and a bit insulted being given cash by a parent. A gift card to a favourite local cafe would be appreciated or a plant, but honestly a nice card with heartfelt thanks and nice feedback is always the best option.

    5. Harriet J*

      First – thank you for thinking about this and not giving them another coffee mug!
      In my 30+ years of teaching I’ve donated dozens of gift mugs.

      A gift card does seem more dignified than cash, but do whatever makes the most sense to you.
      Does your bank do gift cards? I know TD Bank does.

      Other recipients may have already figured this out. In the past I had trouble finding ways to use the full value of my Visa and AmEx gift cards. Now I buy myself a gift certificate to Chewy or Target and connect it to my account. So when my auto-ship order is processed, the gift certificate is used first, then my regular card.

    6. Once a teacher…*

      As a school teacher (not early childhood) the room parents got together and chipped in to give me a cash gift. It was certainly surprising, but not remotely insulting—quite the opposite! What made it extra special was that they gave the gift in one crisp, fresh-from-the-bank bill, and put it in a beautiful handmade/artisan paper pouch with a little string tie closure. I spent the cash long ago, of course (it made me giddy to hold that crisp bill, and I spent it so carefully!), but the envelope continues to be a treasured possession! I say go for the cash gift, and spend a few more dollars on a really lovely envelope from a stationary store.

  44. Red Sky*

    I’m debating getting an air fryer ’cause it’s too dang hot to turn on the oven here in TX. I’d like to avoid having another appliance cluttering up the counters so was looking at a microwave/air fryer combo unit that would go in a large pantry cabinet where our current microwave resides. Some reviews say the microwave/air fryer combo units don’t work as well as a stand alone air fryer; has anyone tried both and what are the pros and cons in your experience?

    Last time I impulse bought a new kitchen technology (Instant Pot) I used it a couple times then it sat for months until I gave it away.

    1. acmx*

      I don’t have any advice re the MW/AF combo but I wanted to say I had the same experience as you with the IP. I have a regular AF now and I am pretty sure I will like it long term. I’ve only had it a few weeks and still need to figure out the how to use it without a recipe to follow.

      1. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

        I’m the opposite
        I use my instant pot regularly -mainly for mashed potatoes, hard boiled eggs, rice, beans and not for whole meals
        I rarely use my air fryer

    2. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      Funny, I use my IP almost every day. It took a long time for me to even use my AF and I almost threw it away.

      If you have a family consider the size – the ones that are a reasonable size can’t do a meal for a family. The ones that can take significant space. We only really can use it for 1 person at a time or small side dishes. I’ve only once been able to use it to avoid the oven and that was because most of the meal went in the IP and the sousvide.

    3. Llellayena*

      If it wasn’t too hot, what would you be cooking in the oven? Would the air fryer change the TYPE of cooking you do? Because then you’re much less likely to use it. You might consider a toaster oven instead (I think they have an air fryer combo available too if you wanted to try it). My parents have been without a functional oven for years (died at the start of Covid, the new one goes in Monday) and have been able to do most of their normal baking with just the toaster oven. You can’t do large trays of cookies or big roasts, but they fit salmon, lamb chops, roasted veggies for two fairly easily.

    4. BRR*

      I’m not sure about the microwave air fryer combos but I have a nice toaster oven air fryer combo and I love it. I personally wouldn’t get a stand alone air fryer because I wouldn’t use it enough and when I got mine, needed a new toaster oven anyways.

    5. Deschain*

      I’ve had a mini Ninja for over a year and cook almost everything in it except for baking bread and stovetop foods (soups, pasta). Today I made “cheesesteak” subs with a chopped Impossible burger patty, peppers, onions, and a side of fries, all cooked in the air fryer except the bread. Yesterday, salmon. A few days ago, I used it to cook mushrooms and roast a red bell pepper to make focaccia sandwiches with goat cheese.

      It gets really hot, just like the oven, but unlike the oven, it cools down in 10 minutes. I wish I’d bought it years ago!

    6. mreasy*

      We have a standalone air fryer and it’s much better than the ones that are also a toaster oven. Not sure about microwave combos, but I will say that one thing that makes ours work so well is the size and shape of the fryer compartment and I can’t see a combo appliance working as well. I was super skeptical too (and I have NYC apartment counter space limitations) but we love ours, especially in summer.

    7. MissB*

      Heh.

      I use an Instant Pot air fryer, lol.

      It’s stainless steel on the inside. Looks kinda like a microwave but it isn’t. I can bake anything in there that I’d bake in the oven, if I’m cooking for 2.

      We used to have a microwave. I got rid of it 3 years ago and you know what? Don’t miss it. I just used the reheat function tonight to heat up some leftover lasagna. Sure, it took longer than a microwave would but I’m ok with that.

    8. Puffle*

      I use my air fryer a lot but rarely use my crockpot. I think it partly depends on what dishes you already regularly make- I find baked potatoes, grilled cheese sandwiches, sausages/ chicken/ bacon come out really well (and not oily/ greasy) in the air fryer, and it’s also great for reheating food.

      I also find it useful to be able to just throw one ingredient (ie chicken breast) into the air fryer to cook and not think about while I make the sauce or something else that needs a lot of attention on the stove top.

      It does really help keep the temperature down in my house in summer as well (I live in the UK- less hot than many places, but oh wow do our houses hold the heat in)- I now usually throw any ingredients I’d usually roast or bake into the air fryer.

    9. Nervous Nellie*

      I noticed in a department store this week that Black & Decker makes toaster ovens that can also act as an air fryer, called ‘Air Fry Toaster Ovens’. I know I use my toaster oven when it’s too hot to run the oven – maybe that’s a combo that might work?

    10. MozartBookNerd*

      I’m another person with the AF as part of a combo in a toaster oven. The brand is DeLonghi. I’ve only just started using it but I’m pleased, FWIW (OTOH I don’t do a lot of cooking).

  45. Falling Diphthong*

    Cookbook recommendations: Any advice for one for a young athletic person in their first post-schooling real-income job?

    1. dontbeadork*

      Is this a person who already knows the basics, or this someone starting from scratch?

      Either the red and white Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook or the Betty Crocker’s Book both do a decent job explaining the techniques. Both have a decent range of recipes, although TBH, I’d expect the young athlete to be looking stuff up on YouTube and cooking from there.

    2. Peanut Hamper*

      I have two:

      The first is the Better Homes and Garden cookbook. The one with the red plaid cover. They test their recipes so much that as long as you can follow directions, you can make these recipes with no problem. They’ve made a lot of efforts in recent years to make their recipes more healthy.

      The second is How to Cook Everything by Mark Bittman. It’s basically the Encyclopedia Britannica of cooking. If you have questions, it probably has answers.

      1. Jackalope*

        Better Homes and Gardens for sure. It was one of the first cookbooks I ever got and I’ve used it for over 20 years. It’s still one of the cookbooks I use the most. The thing I like about it is that it’s got a number of recipes for things that supposedly “everyone” knows how to cook, only when you’re first starting out of course you don’t. And most of the recipes are fairly straightforward.

        1. Peanut Hamper*

          Yep. Meatloaf. Mac and cheese without a box. (Guess what! It’s just as easy and a lot tastier.)

    3. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      If you are looking to learn the basics Betty Crocker is good and so is the Joy of Cooking but both are very big and can be overwhelming. When I was first out of school I used the Pillsbury cookbook and I found it more manageable.

      But now? I honestly can’t remember the last time I really used any of my many many cookbooks. There are so many good recipe sites online. Once you try a few recipes from a site you start to figure out which sites have ones that are more to your tastes. There are ones that specialize in cooking for one, cooking healthy (how ever you define that) helping with meal plans etc.

      If you do not have cooking skills yet, using one of the meal kit plans for a short time can actually be pretty useful. We subscribed to one for a while when I went back to work in an office and my kids were early teens and they were able to use the cards to make dinner and also learn how. We kept all of the recipe cards and I use some of them quite regularly years later.

      1. Loreli*

        Another vote for How to Cook Everything
        A Big Thumbs Down on Joy of Cooking because of the way it lists ingredients.
        Most cookbooks list *all* of the ingredients up front, then have a series of steps telling you what to do with them.
        Joy of Cooking does not list all the ingredients up front. Instead it lists each ingredient in whatever numbered step where you use that particular ingredient. Sometimes there’s a short list of ingredients at the beginning, but it’s not a complete list. You have to read the entire recipe, filtering through the instructions, to determine all the ingredients (and make your own list if you’re checking your pantry or preparing to grocery shop). It’s really annoying when you’re scanning recipes to find one with things you have on hand.
        Joy of Cooking promotes this style as a beneficial feature. I’ve never understood why the editors thought it was a good style choice. I finally gave away my copy.

    5. Bluebell Brenham*

      Sohla El Wayly has a recent beginner cookbook called Start Here that’s got a lot of good recipes and basics. Plus it’s heavy enough you could do bicep curls with it!

    6. Retired Accountant*

      I just got Milk Street’s Cook What You Have. What Milk Street Has and what a new grad Has might be different, but I think it has some great recipes, and the things you might have to acquire to make them are relatively long lasting condiments. The recipes are straightforward and accessible. The Tuna Gochujang Noodles has been a real keeper for me and worth the price of the book itself.

      1. Unicornucopia*

        I also love the milk street books! The Tuesday night dinners is my current favorite, and the recipes are good for multiple skill levels but have all been delicious, so you can kinda work your way up if you are very new to cooking.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      How to Cook Everything, by Mark Bittman. I’ve had my copy for nigh unto these twenty years and it’s the only one so far to achieve the ultimate recommendation–pages are falling out from overuse! It’s fantastic for all sorts of things–how to make frosting, a soup that uses up that chard, roasting meats, you name it. There’s a vegetarian version, too!

    9. Six Feldspar*

      Might be a bit beyond a first cookbook, but I really like Easy by Bill Grainger because it’s a range of recipes grouped around an ingredient (can of beans, chicken breast, chocolate, eggs, etc) and they’re fairly simple.

    10. Manders*

      Also a library card is useful for this – I’ve downloaded many cookbooks from the library to try them out and see how I like them. If you want the hard copy, you know you aren’t wasting your money.

    11. Llellayena*

      If you’re looking for teaching how to cook well without necessarily following a recipe (eventually) try “Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat.” If you’re looking for quick/easy meals so they’re not eating takeout all the time, try to find a 4- or 5- ingredient recipe book. The first book will help them figure out how to throw something together that works out of the basic stuff they have, the second gives them some basics to start with that shouldn’t blow the budget.

    12. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      Sunset Easy Basics for Good Cooking. It’s old, but it’s pretty easy to find a used copy.

      My parents gave me a copy when I moved out and I still use it. Lots of easy recipes and nice charts of cooking tips.

    13. Nightengale*

      I love to cook and collect and read cookbooks. .. Julia Child, Joy, Better Homes and Gardens. . .ingredient themed cookbooks. . . appliance themed cookbooks. . . I am re-reading my grandmother’s 1945 Jewish cookbook right now. I don’t mostly cook from my cookbooks though. If I want a recipe mostly I google it.

      The cookbook that over the decades I COOK from the most is”What to cook when you think there’s nothing in the house to eat.” It is organized by ingredient and has recipes ranging from pasta with peanut sauce (peanut butter chapter) to scones (flour chapter) to one serving microwave chocolate pudding in a mug (cornstarch). It has a lot of 1-2 person serving recipes.

      Runner up for “Good and Cheap” which probably would have become the above for me if I got it first, except I was gifted it about 20 years later.

    14. Jay (no, the other one)*

      If this person really wants to learn to cook, then I suggest a subscription to “Cooks Illustrated” and/or the NYT recipe app. Both have a treasure trove of tried-and-true recipes with actually helpful (and often amusing) comments. Both have how-to videos and explain things well.

      If it’s more that they want to keep themselves fed, then I second the suggestion for Bittman. I also like Shirley Corriher’s books especially if the new grad is at all science-minded.

      1. carcinization*

        I’d recommend the Budget Bytes website for learning to cook; I remark about it to my husband all the time (he doesn’t cook, so I’m telling him that he could make the thing I just made that he’s really enjoying, because it was actually easy/simple). The site has a huge variety of dishes, also has meal-planning and pantry-stocking components, and is free. I wish it was around when I was living on my own (with a kitchen, it wouldn’t have helped much in the college dorms with just a microwave) for the first time 20+ years ago; I would have spent a lot less time making Hamburger Helper and such!

    15. Chauncy Gardener*

      The new RecipeTin Eats book is outstanding. She has videos for every single recipe and super detailed instructions. Her blog has even more recipes and is just as detailed. A nice wide range of recipes as well. Everything from dessert to bread to broth to asian salads to beef stew and mexican food. Excellent!

  46. Eugenia*

    I need book recommendations! I’m traveling to New York in a few months and my favorite way to get into the right mood for a place is to read fiction that’s set there. I usually prefer more serious reads and classics over beach reads but a cosy book here and there also makes the cut.

      1. Nitpicker*

        Also Lee Harris’s Christine Bennett books. If you’re ok with going back over a century, Victoria Thompson’s Gaslight Era mysteries, each tied to a specific location.

    2. Anonymous cat*

      That’s a great way to prep!

      someone asked a similar question on the July 13 -14 weekend thread for books about New York and got a list of recs. (I suggested the Bernie Rhodenbarr mysteries by Lawrence Block!)

      It had several genres so you’d have a selection!

    3. Sitting Pretty*

      NK Jemisin’s Great Cities two-book series is just so amazing. It’s sci fi/urban fantasy set in NYC. Each of the five boroughs comes to life as a person with a distinct personality to fight off a kind of intergalactic colonizing threat. It sounds weird but it’s super gripping and timely. Jemisin is phenomenal.

      For a classic, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn if you haven’t read it yet.

      Have a great trip!

      1. GoryDetails*

        I loved the Jemisin books (The City We Became and The World We Make) – I did like the first one a bit better, as we are introduced to the avatars of the various boroughs, but the second one had some awesome bits of its own.

    5. GoryDetails*

      If you’re up for some literary nonfiction, Insomniac City: New York, Oliver, and Me by Bill Hayes is pretty awesome. Hayes was in a relationship with neurologist/author Oliver Sacks at the end of Sacks’ life, and the book blends that with Hayes’ experiences of New York City.

      On the much, much lighter side, there’s The Secret Garden on 81st Street by Ivy Noelle Weir, a graphic-novel re-imagining of The Secret Garden but set in a NYC brownstone, with some lovely touches re the diverse neighborhoods.

      For more serious novels, maybe something by Edith Wharton? Age of Innocence and House of Mirth, of course, but there are shorter works as well; the Old New York collection of novellas might be a good sampler.

    6. Still*

      One Last Stop is lovely if you’re in the mood for queer found-family magical realism in NYC.

    8. noname today*

      Time and again—but not the sequel Time after Time

      The Gods of Gotham (3 book series)

      The 57th precinct series

      The Alienist (also a limited series)

      (More Tv watch Castle, New Amsterdam, and Forever)

      Non fiction: Island at the center of the world

    9. Sitt Hakim*

      Time and Again by Jack Finney. I’ve never been to New York City but the book makes it feel familiar. It also defies genres. It’s not Serious with a capital S, but still has some deep thoughts.

    10. mreasy*

      Edith Wharton’s New York stories are tremendous gilded age NYC portraits. Jonathan Lethem’s Motherless Brooklyn and Fortress of Solitude are both tremendous. Paul Auster’s New York Trilogy, Colson Whitehead’s Harlem Shuffle, and Don Delillo’s Underworld… and they aren’t fiction but all of Patti Smith’s memoirs are so beautiful.

    11. goddessoftransitory*

      All of Laurie Colwin’s novels, but especially Another Marvelous Thing and Happy All The Time. Her collections of short stories are great too.

      For more fanciful mindsets, From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E Frankweiler.

      1. Yes.*

        Yes! I came here to suggest Mrs. Frankweiler too. A “kids'” book, but I still read it once a year, and I’m 65. It’s wonderful. Read it before you visit the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

    12. Warrant Officer Georgiana Breakspear-Goldfinch*

      Lawrence Block’s books, if you like mysteries. The Matt Scudder books take place roughly in real time, and Scudder ages in them; they can get pretty dark. The Bernie Rhodenbarr books are a much more candy-colored lighthearted universe, although they’re still murder mysteries, by and large.

    13. BikeWalkBarb*

      Shadowshaper and sequels by Daniel José Older. Don’t be put off by the categorization as YA; named a best book of the year by Time magazine. Afro-Boricua (Black and Puerto Rican) teenager who lives in Brooklyn learns of her family heritage as a shadowshaper, with the ability to infuse spirits into art. She’s doing this through graffiti and I got such a sense of what that art form means to those who create it, along with the sense of the neighborhood. This is reminding me to go back and reread and then catch up; I think I’m behind on a sequel.

      Someone already recommended N.K. Jemisin and those books are amazing. Shadowshaper has a similar magical realism and connection to place.

    14. rosengilmom*

      Most of the Nero Wolfe mysteries, but they’re set in the 30’s-40’s-50’s(?) & therefore not current. But you really get a sense of the city.

  47. Non-media*

    How many subscription services do you pay for that are NOT media consumption related? Meaning, not Netflix/Hulu/Spotify or their ilk. (I would not count things that you could classify as utilities, like cell phone plans.)

    I’m overhauling our budget, which made me curious about the topic. Most of my subscriptions are services I use for freelancing.

    1. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      I was going to say none, but I do subscribe to bookkeeping software against my will because I used to just buy it every 5 years and I have been too lazy to look for alternatives.

      I subscribe to an app that helps me with meal planning and grocery lists. But that is I think $3 per month.

      That’s about it. We do need to pare down our media subscriptions again.

    2. Bethlam*

      I’m a very low-tech person. The only subscription services I pay for are my calorie counting app and my VPN.

    3. Girasol*

      Thanks for the reminder. I’d been meaning to check that. I have two hobby club memberships that happen to come with their own magazine/newsletter, The New York Times (or does that count as media consumption?), and Zoleo, a cell phone satellite linker for back country emergencies.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I currently have software subscriptions for fantastical and office365, and a couple of subscriptions to fiber magazines that are both physical and digital, though that might count as media. (I assume Apple Music counts as media as well.)

    5. Morning Reader*

      What counts as subscriptions?

      I have “subscriptions” with local plumber service and furnace service that I pay monthly for discounted and faster service when needed and annual inspections. There’s also a small fee on monthly bills for line maintenance for water and electric but perhaps that is more like insurance.

      I have lifelock for financial stuff, although that’s covered by alerts from banking and such, maybe I should drop it.

      I have some standing donations that include side benefits. Tote bags!

      I use a meal kit service sporadically. I don’t use but have gifted fruit of the month type subscriptions.

    6. Sitting Pretty*

      I always forget to consider my WordPress site fees in my annual budget. I barely use the site anymore, I built it as a kind of professional site but it also contains a blog and some other pages I haven’t decided what to do with yet. So that’s kind of like a subscription.

      Also, a few memberships that maybe count?Like I just joined AARP (they have a thing now for people who are 50 and of course I got sucked in by all the discounts) and my partner had AAA for both of us.

      A friend subscribes to a flower delivery service that brings a bouquet of seasonal flowers to her door onc a month and if I could afford it, that would be at the top of my list!

    8. Missa Brevis*

      Rancho Gordo bean club! Worth every cent and all the months I spent on the wait-list.

      Aside from that… NYT games subscription though I keep debating canceling that and finding some other source of crosswords. Probably would have already except I share the account with my parents and don’t have the heart to deprive my mom of her daily spelling bee.

      1. Annie Edison*

        oooh I have no idea what a bean club is but I’m very intrigued and will be looking them up now

      2. GoryDetails*

        Heh! I love Rancho Gordo, but I don’t get through enough beans by myself to make the bean-club worth it. (I do check in regularly to see what varieties are available, though. Awesome beans!)

    9. Annie Edison*

      I have a few:
      – NYT cooking
      – various things I for my work (I’m also self-employed)
      – annual subscription to a meditation app called Ten Percent- cost for the year is less than an out-of-pocket therapy session, and I get more than that value from it, even in times when I’m using it very sporadically

      And my favorite, although it’s currently paused while I’m between jobs, is a patreon subscription that supports one of my favorite artists and gets me a new, gorgeous watercolor sticker each month. Britchida is the artist- look them up on instagram. Their art does such a great job of communicating emotional experiences visually

    10. 653-CXK*

      My annual subscription services: Malwarebytes and Microsoft 365. The only other monthly bill I have is my cell phone bill from Consumer Cellular.

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      They stopped supporting my version of Office so I had to get a new one and the subscription made sense. Basically a lot more annoyance than I want; if just buying it didn’t mean I’d have to buy and fight to install a new version in a year or so I would do so.

      I need a subscription to Adobe for my current work project, and in the past I’ve had them to specific software for other projects.

      Our charity donations are all set up as recurring monthly deductions; not sure if that counts?

    12. goddessoftransitory*

      I cannot seem to escape Winzip and Kapersky–the latter especially is designed to not be able to be cancelled! I know they’re all Russian bot spyware now but whoever’s assigned to my output must be putting away a handle of vodka a day due to my boring search history.

    13. Mephyle*

      Flightradar24 because I like to know what aircraft are flying over my head (also fun while traveling, or when family members are traveling). You can use it for free, but the paid version offers more data and doesn’t log you out after half an hour.

    15. WoodswomanWrites*

      Mine are computer related–cloud backup and the Adobe suite. As it happens, I just went through my media subscriptions and dropped one for a local news site that seemed too expensive.

      For media, I often sign up when there’s an offer for a free or cheap rate through X amount of time, then mark my calendar to cancel it before I get charged the real rate.

    16. Food & exercise*

      I have two yoga subscriptions- one for ‘down dog’ app and the other for doyogawithme.com, which in combination for the year are probably less than two months of an in-person yoga studio. I also pay $50/month for a community gym with some other exercise class options. I have the NYT recipe app and belong to a tea-of-the-month club. About once a month a get a farm box (CSA) and one of those meal-kit boxes. I think that’s everything?

    17. Sloanicota*

      I have managed to avoid most paid subscriptions after some financial difficulties where I had to go through and get rid of all that kind of stuff. I don’t even use Amazon prime (honestly I realized I’m fine to group my purchases to once-monthly and I rarely actually *need* anything overnight) or media streaming (those had to go during the budget crunch – but I do have bunny ears) or even canva pro, which I would get use of for my freelance work but alas. I asked for a non-subscription MS word package as a christmas gift one year because I don’t like the pay-ongoing-for-software model. I do generally avoid apps anyway. The media ones are the ones I miss the most, otherwise there’s generally workarounds.

    18. Slinky*

      A couple software subscriptions. Evernote. I have YEARS of notes painstakingly organized and searchable with photographs, so the annual subscription remains useful to me. I also have a monthly subscription to Eat Your Books, which indexes all of the recipes in my (many) cookbooks. It’s really handy to be like “I’ve got a random eggplant. What recipes do I have in my cookbook library for this?”

      Not sure if this counts as media consumption, but I also subscribe to a few Substacks for creators I like, as I want them to get paid and I want to enjoy their content.

    19. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Stupid Adobe, which I pay under protest because I absolutely loathe the Saas model but need it for my business.
      Other business software, which I would also prefer to buy outright and update when/if new versions are something I would need/benefit from.

  48. acmx*

    Another pet question: Anyone use Rover (or an alternate if there is one)? can you tell me your experience with it and tips to finding a good dogsitter? I usually avoid gig work (Uber, instacart, etc) but for really short trips, a sitter might be more convenient that boarding.

    1. Pam Adams*

      We use Rover- we may have gotten lucky first time out, but our sitter/walker is great. We started with walks and graduated to in house sitting.

      We tried Wag a few times, but were seriously not impressed.

    2. Missa Brevis*

      I used Rover twice and had one decent experience, one really frustrating experience. If you can find a local in-home pet sitting business that’s bonded and insured, I’d recommend that over any of the gig sites. The prices usually aren’t that much higher, and I’ve been much more satisfied since I switched.

    3. mreasy*

      I use a local petsitting service. Your vet may know of an alternative to the app which might be more trustworthy?

    4. A Rover Sitter*

      I’m a cat-only Rover sitter, here’s my advice, figure out what service you’re looking (boarding, walking, drop-ins, house sitting) and any quirks, behavioral issues or special needs your dog may have, then carefully review any potential sitter’s profile and reviews looking for experience that matches with your dog’s needs as well as the sitter’s availability and lifestyle. Do you have a big dog who pulls? A small dog who resource guards? A working dog who needs lots of mental stimulation and walks? Maybe your dog doesn’t play well with others and needs to be the only dog at a boarding? Do you need a sitter who has a fenced yard or maybe a small apartment is ok? Is your dog crate trained, how long can they be left alone?

      For example, in my profile I mention I have limited availability so only do drop-ins between certain hours, that I foster and volunteer with random cat org, that I have a lot of experience with anxious and fearful kitties as well as administering meds and fluids, so I get a lot of booking requests for these types of cats. My profile pics are full of happy and playful kitty clients, my reviews are glowing and very appreciative (I love my clients!)

      Newer sitters will have lower prices and less reviews until they get more established, doesn’t mean they’ll be a bad sitter but they don’t have a proven track record yet. If I had a very low maintenance, easygoing, dog I’d be fine with a newer sitter. If I had a dog with higher needs (reactivity, anxious, marking etc) I’d look for someone with a higher number of reviews and repeat clients.

      Once you’ve found a potential sitter make sure to do a Meet & Greet, do not book with a sitter who refuses to do a Meet & Greet. At the meet and greet, be clear in what you’re looking for in terms of care, most problems occur due to lack of communication or clear instructions (its also really helpful if you can leave written instructions for a sitter). Observe how does your sitter interact with your dog at the meet and greet, do they ask detailed questions about caring for your dog? Be forthcoming and honest about any issues or quirks your dog has, some clients will gloss over or omit what they think will turn potential sitters off. If we know what to expect we can be prepared for it.

      Also, make sure to completely fill out your dog’s profile so your potential sitter can review that before responding to your inquiry, this will help them get an idea of if your dog will be a good fit for them.

      And lastly, check out the /r/RoverPetSitting/ subreddit, you’ll see posts from pet owners as well as sitters. But please keep in mind you’re going to see a disproportionate number of negative posts, 95% of bookings go well, but it’s the negative 5% that gets the most attention.

      1. acmx*

        Thank you so much for taking the time to provide all of that information! And the subreddit, I saw a bit of what the app itself is like. The service/app is pretty thorough it seems.

    6. Rara Avis*

      We used Rover once and had a good experience for our cars. Didn’t use it again because we have fantastic neighbors.

      1. Heh*

        Do they change your oil, or just pet the cars? :-) (I’m not familiar with Rover but I assume you meant to write “cats.”)

    7. BikeWalkBarb*

      A friend of mine and my younger daughter are both signed up with trustedhousesitters.com, which matches people who have a home and pet(s) with people who will stay there and take care of the animal(s). They have profiles and ratings and the pet owner does a video interview with the potential sitter.

      This isn’t exactly gig work in my mind, more like an exchange of time value. They pay a small annual fee to be listed as potential sitters; the home/pet owner doesn’t pay, I think? Or at least not for the sitting service because you’re providing a place to stay rent free. For my daughter and her fiance this has enabled them to travel and stay in interesting places as a local with no housing cost. One of their upcoming stays is to take care of someone’s bunny and I know some of the listings are more like farms so it isn’t just dogs and cats.

      Definitely important to be very specific about your pet’s needs, habits, preferences. You want it to go well for everyone.

      1. acmx*

        Owner does pay ($149/year) but I don’t know that I’m comfortable with this option. yet. Thanks for the info.

    8. Anonymoss*

      I used it just last month to care for my two cats. I found it a really lovely and simple service (and I didn’t have to pay just to chat with applicants like care.com, which is what drove me to Rover in the first place). I liked the elements like you could pick specific services (boarding, drop-ins, house sitting, etc) and you had to fill out a pet profile with a picture and details. I liked that the sitter had to check in each day and send photos, which reassured me that she was there and taking care of them. Personally, I would really have a strong idea of what services you need (lots of playing and walks? medications?) and look to see who’s profiles reflect that.

      1. acmx*

        Thanks! Yes, I don’t want to pay to chat. I also dread having to create another profile for another app lol I’m getting tired of having so much info out there.

        I like to get recommendations for services because I don’t have good luck veting people (altho recs have failed, too).

  49. So many things*

    I’m sure this has been asked here before, and probably recently, but now I find myself in a situation where I’ve inherited a family home filled with many, many, many things. I don’t want to live there and will only keep a small number of beloved items. It’s tough emotionally, but also overwhelming when I think about how I’m going to deal with all that stuff in advance of selling. Can you share your success stories? Any lessons learned? Once I embark on the purge, and let friends take what they want, first, I want it over asap. I’d rather give things away than painstakingly try to price and sell each item.

    1. Despachito*

      What we did in a similar situation:

      1. we picked what we wanted
      2. we let our kids pick what they wanted
      3. we let all people related to the deceased person pick what they wanted.

      Then we hired a container and a guy who was very skilled in loading them, threw everything out of the house and into the container. We were done with the entire house in a day. And the guy fit everything into one container so we did not have to pay for several.

      We did that several years after the owner’s death and that was easier because we were already somehow emotionally detached.

        2. Despachito*

          My bad, we call them “containers” here, and I put it there without thinking but while reading the comments I realized you call them “dumpsters”?

          It is a HUGE metal box (from 1 to 12 cubic metres) that is hauled to your house by a special truck, you put all your trash in including old furniture, and then they haul it away and dispose of it somehow.

          We actually broke the furniture to pieces (it was old and moldy and beyond salvaging), and we basically fit the contents of the entire house into one such dumpster.

          I try not to think about the implications of the fact that one person’s entire movable possessions fit into one single dumpster …

    2. Red Sky*

      I’m so sorry for your loss.

      I’ve had to do this twice, first time was a shit show, second time I used what I learned and it went a lot quicker and smoother.

      What I learned –
      – Charity shops (Salvation Army, Goodwill, Habitat Restore) will come pick up large donations like furniture, boxed up dish sets, appliances, house fixtures and they provide the trucks and the muscle
      – Make a spreadsheet/list of tasks, dates, bills to pay, utilities to turn off etc
      – Accept all help that is offered, provide refreshments, meals and many thanks
      – If you do have help, proactively assign the tasks you need done in order of importance/difficulty
      – Either rent a small dumpster ($$) or hire a Junk Removal service ($$$) for all the stuff that’s left after everything still useable has been taken care of
      -If you’re going to Facebook Marketplace or craigslist free stuff, put it out on the curb with first come first serve. You don’t need to be tied to your device or waiting around for people to get back to you
      -Your city probably has a drop off program for disposing of chemicals and paint

      And lastly, take care of and be kind to yourself!

      1. Red Sky*

        ETA: to clarify, a Junk Removal service will remove non-junk items too, they’ll do the whole house if you want them to, but it will be very expensive. Also, if you can afford it, hire a move-out cleaner, the time and energy you’ll save is well worth the expense

      2. Hyaline*

        Just a note–it used to be true that several charity organizations could be reliably expected to do pickups, but many local branches stopped during COVID and didn’t pick up doing so again. Check your area before relying on charity shop pickup.

    3. Girasol*

      Things you’ll use every day are good to keep. I replaced my cheap kitchen tools with Dad’s good ones and think of him pottering about the kitchen whenever I use them. If you can’t keep all the things that hold memories, photograph them before giving the items away so you can still keep the reminders. Second hand stores will take a lot of everyday things like clothes, housewares, and books. I found a second hand furniture place that would give me cash for some of Dad’s furnishings that I couldn’t use, and I could trade some of the cash back to have him haul away the large items that neither he nor I wanted, like mattresses. If you have lumber and tools, try a second hand buildersplace like a Habitat for Humanity store. Bicycles can go to a bicycle co-op to be given to folks in need. A car (if you don’t want to sell it) can be donated to a number of charities, like NPR. I don’t know about you but I find it a comfort to think that someone struggling to afford nice things has all those good and well loved items now and is enjoying them.

    4. Virtual Light*

      You can hire people to run estate sales for you for some percentage of money brought in by the sale. I did this and it helped with the sheer volume of stuff.

      I also brought a lot of stuff to thrift shops, but there’s also always the option of putting stuff on the curb with a “free” sign too!

    5. RagingADHD*

      Call an estate sale company. Get recommendations from people in your area, or the realtor who’s going to handle selling the house.

      They’ll walk through & assess, then give you an estimate of whether there’s enough value to cover the advertising expenses.

      You don’t have to lift a finger. They do all the pricing and running the sale, they arrange pickup of the discards, and leave it broom clean.

      One of the best decisions I’ve made in handling a houseful of stuff. I would have been happy to break even, because having stuff hauled away costs time and sometimes money. In the end, we got a small profit.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yes, this is honestly the way for people who aren’t too pressed about money and just want the stuff gone. If your time is more valuable to you than the potential profits, that’s where these services come in. My friend was the only child of two only children who died rather young, one of whom had been previously married to an only child who had died even younger. She had literally six generations of family heirlooms stacked in every room of the house. She thinks she gave up a lot of value by not going through things herself but she reached the point where she just needed it out.

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          Thirding the estate sale idea. These people are professionals and they will get it all GONE!

    6. GoryDetails*

      Much sympathy! I’ll second the estate-sale-agent suggestion – for me, it was the simplest option, as my folks lived very far from me and there was no way I could hang around their empty house trying to portion out their items. I did get a little money back from the sale of the house contents; would have been more if I’d been able to pare it down myself, but as it was I was happy to have someone else just Make It Go Away. [Photos of favorite items that you don’t want to actually make house-room for could help with the emotional impact…]

      1. Sloanicota*

        In my friends’ case I believe the estate people also took nice high quality photos of all the items (to list them) so she didn’t even have to do that!

    8. Hyaline*

      I DIY’ed my MIL’s estate sale, and it was…a trip. For many reasons. But one thing that helped was that *I* was not emotionally attached to this stuff. So a) I was able to just throw shit out and b) I did price everything for sale but it was uhhh not painstaking. I have a good sense of resale value of basic items and priced quickly. I took a week while I was on break from work and just sorted, labeled, and staged for the sale, putting in a couple hours a week. We held the sale over a nice spring weekend. Most items sold in a three-day estate sale. People show up for estate sales, and if items are priced to move, they will. It’s probably quicker and easier than giving stuff away. (You would be amazed what people will buy, BTW, at estate sales. Half-full bottles of household cleaners. Cosmetic samples. Bags of pens. Landscaping rocks.) What did not sell was taken to Goodwill. If you aren’t able to be kinda ruthless about it, find a friend or family member (maybe an in-law) who can be, or consider hiring an estate sale company. Unless the house has a decent amount of valuable stuff, you won’t make much or any money using an estate sale company (their minimums, I found, were more than we made on a modest home’s contents), but it could be worth signing off on the hassle and heartache.

    9. WS*

      Just did this recently. Everyone came around to pick a few things they wanted, then the charity shop people came around with a van to take what they could use, then I hired a cleaner and a big skip to get rid of everything else. It was so much easier than trying to do it myself on both physical and emotional levels.

    10. Grilledcheeser*

      One thing my brother said as we cleaned out our parents’ house stuck with me: “just because THEY adored this stuff, doesn’t mean we have to”. That helped me remove a lot of unwanted sentiment for things that I actually really didn’t want to keep but felt bad about having to get rid of. Keep the things that you truly enjoyed. Let the rest go.

    11. fposte*

      It was really eye opening for me to see my nonagenarian neighbor’s house cleaned out when he moved in with out-of-state family. The stuff they wanted went in the pickup; everything else went in the dumpster. It brought home to me that in our era, material goods are single lifetime items at best.

      So I support your plan; have a friend walkthrough and then, as others mention, have an estate sale handle the rest, or if you can’t get one, break it down into Goodwill and a dumpster. The cost of your time is likely more than the resale value of the items.

      1. Girasol*

        My friend went the other way. She kept all Mom’s stuff in storage units waiting for family to get together and decide what to do with everything. It was family heirlooms not just of her mother’s but also items her mother had saved from past ancestors. But when it had all sat there for six years or so she told the family, “I’m getting rid of it. Come get what you want or lose out.” She set herself a goal limiting what she would bring home herself. Family took some items and the rest went to second hand places. It might seem callous but she was spending half her monthly income renting several large sheds full of family treasures that no one ever saw anyway.

    12. Mary Lynne*

      We’ve been through this several times! You can pay junk removal people – They come, take everything, recycle what they can, resell what they can (Junk King I think even has a thrift store) and then dispose of the rest. It is less work for us and what can be saved is saved. It does cost something, but it was so worth it to us.

  50. Anna Mouse*

    I unexpectedly managed to buy a house and am moving this week. BUT I have been living in a 2-bedroom with a roommate and me leaving will put her in an impossible financial situation, and I have tried incredibly hard to find a replacement for me on the lease. It’s been a total failure. I’ve been ghosted a ton, been turned down a lot, and my roommate has refused to entertain the idea of living with an opposite-gender roommate (not unreasonable, but making this whole process a lot harder), and I’m really at my wits’ end. I think, according to state law, she/the landlord could try to force me to pay rent until someone else takes over the space, and I can’t afford that. My ideas at this point are: ignore the problem until I get a summons to small claims, at which point I guess try to get a job working the weekend shift at a local coffeeshop or something. IDK, I have been stressed for a solid two months with this house purchase and this is just the cherry on top.

    1. Virtual Light*

      When is your roommate agreement/ lease officially over? What does it say about moving out?

      I get that it’s frustrating that you’ve tried so hard but been unsuccessful in finding a replacement, but what did you agree to when you moved in? A good compromise might be another month’s rent while your roommate takes over the search, especially if your lease isn’t actually up.

      If you were month-to-month, presumably finding a new person falls to your roommate at some point.

      1. Alex*

        ^^This. If you signed a lease with either your landlord or your roommate that is for a defined amount of time (not month-to-month) you are going to be on the hook for the rent until the roommate finds someone to take it over. I would NOT advise you to wait until they take you to court, because you would be on the hook for all of the rent until the end of your lease (because they would probably wait until your lease is up to file, at which time you would owe all of it) plus possibly their court costs.

        If you are not on a lease you should be able to leave this as your roommate’s problem. But otherwise, keep on looking for someone.

    2. Jay*

      I don’t know if this is even something that you would even want to consider, but is there any way the roommate could stay with you at your place for a little while until they find someplace new?
      It would buy you some more time, at any rate.
      Just be sure to make absolutely certain you know all of your states Tennent/Squatters rights and laws before you do, or even MENTION, this, so you don’t wind up having a permanent, unwanted roommate that you can only get rid of with a costly court case.

    3. Hyaline*

      So first thing I would do is *look at your lease.* First–would what you are doing be subletting, and is that allowed, and if it is allowed, can you do so without your roommate’s buy-in/approval of the new person? Whatever you are obligated by the lease to do, consider that as your gold standard, not what you’d prefer to do for your roommate. It can vary a ton, which is why you need to know what your lease says and what is legal. What you say about state law is confusing, as there is literally no way unless you signed some kind of hellspawn lease that your landlord can force you to pay rent *indefinitely* until someone takes over the space, but it could be through the duration of your lease. How long is that? Would dipping into savings or taking a second job or even (ugh) getting a loan allow you to just….walk and pay rent for a couple months? That sounds pretty appealing, compared to stressing, actually. (And way better than going to court! Friend, no! Take a few breaths and watch some kitten videos or something!) Or, maybe, you’d have an option to break lease–though this might require buy-in from your roommate, who, well, might be willing to break lease and go elsewhere, so it’s worth knowing about the option regardless. (If you could break lease, would you be willing to let roomie temporarily move in with you on a short-term lease? Maybe split the cost of a storage unit if necessary?)

      You know you don’t need a scolding that you should have thought of this before, well, buying a house and moving out, but did you have some kind of lease-to-homeowner plan that went awry that might have some salvageable parts?

      Is the roommate helping with the roommate hunt? They have a vested stake here and should really be pitching in, too…if they aren’t you can’t do much but just acknowledging the crappy move here. Unless your lease says so, they can’t veto your subletter, so do not cater to them. (Honestly, I would probably include the no-opposite-gender roommate thing in the “you take who you get” unless they were very active in this process, too. If you won’t help find someone, you will take who I find, providing that’s allowable by lease.)

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yes, look at your lease and see what it says about breaking it. If you roommate truly can’t pay and you truly can’t find anyone to replace you, it may be preferable to break the lease entirely and you both find a new place versus having the shared lease continue but you not paying it and waiting for a court summons.* There’s probably a penalty for breaking the lease early but it’s almost always less than what it would cost to pay for the rest of the year. I had to move out of a group home where I was the original leaseholder and it was stressful, as now more five years later I’m pretty sure there are still some things tied to my name. I wouldn’t go about it that way again.

        *If you roommate agrees to go this route, you should really do whatever you can to help her out in the transition whether that’s money or a place to stay. She may have an easier time finding a place that wants to add a roommate (as you did) than finding a new roommate that wants to join an existing lease, but it will still be understandably stressful for her and probably not her preference.

        1. StillExpectedToPay*

          None of the leases I’ve seen/discussed for the past 20+ years (mine, family, friends. egc) don’t allow you to break them – you are on the hook until the end of the lease unless the landlord finds someone else to rent your apartment first (and you can bet they’re going to focus on filling empty units first).

          Renting can mean having to double pay unless you manage the perfect timing when you change housing. It’s an inherent risk.

    4. WS*

      Check your lease! My brother was in a similar situation when he wanted to move in with his girlfriend (now wife) and it turned out that he didn’t have to pay rent for another 8 months, he could give 30 days notice. So he ended up paying 1 month and he was done. Do not wait until it goes to small claims court, that will make everything worse.

    5. TheBunny*

      Sorry but wow. Just wow. You’re literally skipping out on a lease, which you signed, and it’s no big deal that it’s putting your roommate in a bind because you can’t pay for 2 places?

      You signed a lease. You committed to that payment for the term of the lease. Ethically, morally (and legally as they can absolutely should and will sue) you are 100% in the wrong. You pay your share until the lease ends or you find someone else.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Legally, no, probably not, but subletting to someone they’ve said they’re not comfortable living with, on top of everything else, would be a seriously jerk move. It’s not the roommate’s fault OP decided to do this without having planned out all the logistics first.

    6. Blue Cactus*

      The lease is a legal agreement that you will pay your portion of the rent for the agreed upon duration. You need to find a roommate to take over your lease or sublet (if allowed by your lease) otherwise you are on the hook for rent for the duration of your lease. It remains your responsibility to cover your legally agreed upon costs and would be an open and shut case in court and would probably cost you more money.

      On an ethical front, and as someone who has been on the receiving end of this, you are 100% in the wrong. Having my roommate walk out on our lease and try to stop paying rent once she got a better offer was one of the most stressful things I’ve ever dealt with. It is not your roommate’s responsibility to handle this situation; you created it and you need to deal with the consequences.

    7. Subletting*

      Does your lease even allow subletting? Mine doesn’t, and while some of my previous leases did it was pretty restricted.

      1. Clisby*

        Agree that LW needs to re-check exactly what the lease says. My son is nearing the end of his college career, and every lease he’s signed with roommates said the owner had to approve any sublet. It’s not like he (or his roommates) could just move a new person in without the approval of the owner.

    8. Indolent Libertine*

      Are you named on the lease? Is your roommate? If you’re both named, then you’re legally responsible for your half of the rent until either the end of the lease term or the time you find a new tenant to take your place. If only you are named on the lease and roommate isn’t, you are actually legally responsible for the entire monthly rent until either the end of the lease term or the time you find a new tenant to take your place. If only roommate is on the lease, your legal responsibility depends on your agreement with roommate. But in any event, you do have an ethical responsibility not to screw over your roommate.

    9. WellRed*

      It’s in your roommates best interest to actively search for a roommate regardless of your obligations to her. Is she not doing that? Where do people in your area typically find roommates? At any rate , drop the passivity act and figure out how to do the right thing until this resolves.

    10. Maggie*

      If you signed an agreement or the law says you have a de facto agreement, then yeah, you owe her the money until the end of the agreement and it’s pretty nasty behavior to just totally stiff her on that.

    11. Might Be Spam*

      Check your lease. My lease doesn’t even allow me to die. My heirs are supposed to pay off my entire lease. I hope it’s not enforceable on them and told my kids to ignore it, if anything happens to me.

  51. Oink*

    I’m trying to process some horrific news that happened recently. I have plenty of support, but I’m spending most of my days walking around dazed. I will go to my bedroom to get a pen then forget why I’m there.

    Aside from the usual protective mental health activities like therapy, meds, etc – any suggestions on what to do just in my normal daily life to cope? How do you get through a period of your life when you know life will suck for several weeks/months?

    1. Filosofickle*

      What’s helped me is lists. Very short lists — just 1-3 things I need to focus on today, and 1-5 priorities for the week. Ditch anything that isn’t absolutely necessary or helpful. (Like, ignore the housework, unless having a clean house is vital to your sanity.)

      A technique that’s helped me is three lists — today, this week, and questions: What do I do next? Have I eaten / had water? Is there anything I can finish? Do I need to zoom in or zoom out? Who can I connect with? (These are personal to my pitfalls, make it whatever you need to be reminded to do.) I set an alarm/chime to go off hourly, and that’s my prompt to pause whatever I’m doing, read the questions, and look at what I’m supposed to do today (or this week). That help bring my brain back to the present, and is especially helpful when I’m getting lost in my head.

      And give yourself all the permission to do whatever helps you feel rested or recharged. Wishing you the best possible in a bad situation <3

    2. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      I go for long walks when I am stressed out. I figure my body is already prepared for a fight-or-flight response, so I may as well work off those stress hormones. Getting out of the house and looking at new scenery* takes my mind off of the situation. It also helps me sleep better when I am physically tired.

      *or a good bakery on my route!

    3. KL*

      Go outside, get your body moving. I’m not saying you have to start a full-on workout if you’re a sedentary person, but just move your body so you’re not just wallowing on the couch. Walking, even if it’s just around the block to get some fresh air. The days I don’t make it outside are significantly worse than the days I do. I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve used my daily jog to literally run out my emotions.

    4. Chaordic One*

      Aside from the usual protective mental health activities, practice good self-care. Do the normal daily things that you have to do to take care of yourself. I imagine that you don’t really feel like doing them, but do them anyway, or at least try to do as much as you can. Things like getting enough sleep, eating right (not missing meals, but not excessively overindulging either), getting some exercise, keeping your house clean. Go for a walk or a bike ride if you have a safe place to do that. Having a regular schedule helps. Then, cut yourself some slack when you don’t do those things.

      You might feel like you are only going through the motions. If you feel like that, go through those motions. If you feel like being around people or having someone to listen to you, find that person or those people and be around them and talk to them. If you want to be by yourself in silence, do that. When you forget why you went to the bedroom, forgive yourself.

      If, after a while, you find that you can do something for someone else, do it. It helps to take your mind off of yourself for a little while. And it you aren’t up to that, that’s O.K. too.

    5. Anonymous cat*

      Small answer—I played calm instrumental music that comforted me and didn’t stress me. Or nature sounds. Something that would occupy part of my mind.

      (Personal rec—I played The Piano Guys’ albums over and over during the beginning of the pandemic and shutdown because their music felt friendly and kept me company.)

      Also the Calm app has a lot recordings of different genres. In addition to meditation sessions, it also has nature sounds and mild stories, such as a calm voice describing a train trip. Might be dull in normal times but good when you just need “company” or “filler” for a while.

    6. Kenna*

      Make things as easy as you can for yourself, to reduce cognitive load and stress. If you can (affordability and availability permitting, of course), order in food, get groceries delivered, use a meal service, ask family/friends to take the lead on planning things for a bit (like booking a table for lunch, picking a restaurant etc), and set up anything you can to be automatic e.g bill payments. The less you have to remember and plan for, the better. Ask for help if you can. Let others take on as much as is reasonable, to reduce the load for you.

      Try to get some movement into your body each day – for me this was a huge struggle and I really didn’t want to, but it helped so much. Even just a five minute walk around the block a couple of times a day helps. Chair yoga? YouTube exercise video? Whatever feels most achievable for you is fine, this isn’t about physical fitness so much as mental. If you want to go to the gym and lift heavy things/hit things, have at it.

      Get outside as much as you can, preferably somewhere with lots of trees, plants, flowers etc. If you have a garden, great! If not, a park/local botanical gardens/a nature preserve/the countryside or whatever your area has is great. You can combine this with the movement break and walk around, or just sit somewhere and look at the green. I swear it helps.

      And be kind to yourself. Give yourself grace, don’t beat yourself up when you feel like you didn’t handle something perfectly, and acknowledge that stress hormones will mess with your head. It’s normal to forget things, be more distracted, feel irritable etc while under a lot of stress. It’s not you, it’s the situation.

      I’m sorry you are having to deal with this, and I hope the situation resolves as well as is possible for you.

    7. Cardboard Marmalade*

      I think if you can set aside some time each morning for some coloring or painting and some time each night for some journaling or writing poetry, I know for me having a creative outlet has always been immensely helpful for giving my brain time and space to relax, process, and organize itself, if that makes sense.

  52. Ellis Bell*

    What’s your best housewarming gift idea? Young couple, moving into a fixer upper house and garden, with a couple of cats….

      1. Becky S*

        YES to the hardware store gift card! When I bought my first house – definitely a fixer upper – that was what I appreciated most.

    2. BellaStella*

      A gift basket of salt (traditional here), teas, spices, and in this case would add a garden shop gift certificate, cat toys, and maybe a book on basic home maintenance and care?

      1. Ali + Nino*

        Yes, in my culture (Jewish) our tradition is a loaf of bread and a container of salt. Sometimes I mix it up with Zaatar instead of salt if I know the recipient likes it. Bread and good olive oil would be lovely too.

        1. allathian*

          Interesting! The same tradition of bread and salt exists in Finland, with the specification that the bread should be rye bread because it keeps fresh longer. I suspect that this tradition is originally Russian.

    3. Still*

      I loved the idea someone mentioned of making a custom stamp with their new return address!

      Otherwise, I’ve really appreciated people who brought simple things that you can never have too much of: really good quality tissues, baking paper, those little pads to put under furniture, nice olive oil.

      If there’s any small household item you really swear by, like the best pizza cutter or easiest-to-clean garlic press, or a rag that magically cleans all the mirror stains, or a dustpan that actually stays flush with the floor… It’s always great to receive something truly tried and tested.

      1. BikeWalkBarb*

        If someone knows about this magical dustpan that stays flush with the floor, I want to know too.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Best pizza cutter: search “pizza wheel with removable blade”. Mine was actually swag from a credit union at a street market, so they don’t have to be expensive. It is small enough to fit reasonably in a drawer, has a non-metal (probably just plastic, but might be ceramic?) blade and doesn’t cut fingers, the blade pops fully out of the handle for washing, and both parts are dishwasher safe.

    4. Squidhead*

      If they’re planning to be the fixer-uppers, cash is good. But also consider:
      A good wet/dry canister vacuum (Home Depot sells Ridgid brand with a variety of hoses and fittings), probably in the 100$ range total.
      A sturdy ladder. If it’s a house with ceilings 9′ or less, a 6′ step ladder or one of those platform ladders is good; if the ceilings are higher then consider an 8′ or 12′ step ladder. Or one of those Gorilla ladders that you can configure into multiple shapes. Depending on size, $150-$300.
      A few key garden tools: shovel for digging, skinny shovel for transplanting, good rake for leaves, pruning saw.

      1. BikeWalkBarb*

        The ladder suggestion makes me think of one of those sturdy stepstools that’s also a toolbox so you can carry it to where you need to whack that nail back in and the hammer is in the stepstool. If your budget runs to that, the stool and a set of good quality tools to outfit it would be nice to have.

    6. acmx*

      Home maintenance log. I think especially as it’s fixer upper.

      Of course, this is a physical book/notebook and paper is outdated :P so maybe young people won’t like it.

  53. BellaStella*

    Sharing some home spa ideas and welcome yours! About once a month I try to take some time -2 hrs maybe – to relax and do some self care and today it is pouring rain all day so here is my home spa routine that is very budget friendly. Add your ideas too!
    1. Supplies I use are some scrubby gloves (3$ from grocery), olive oil, sea salt or plain salt or epsom salt for foot soak with couple drops of lavender oil (6$ for small bottle), some soap, a nice candle, and a soft wash cloth.
    2. Soak my feet in tub for 30 min with drops of lavender oil and soap then scrub them. Wash off and be careful with oil in tub to not slip!!
    3. I use my shower and pretend it is a hammam. A candle and a bit of steam and turn water on when need a rinse. Scrub and wash and rinse then apply a small amount of olive oil to legs and arms.
    4. Face gets washed with wash cloth as well as steamed with wet hot wash cloth too for 15 min refreshing the cloth a few times.
    Super nice and calming and way way less pricey than going to a day spa.

  54. Nervous Nellie*

    Hi all! It may be too late for this question to be seen, but giving it a whirl. It’s Sun AM here and I awoke to the news of a volcanic eruption in coastal Russia overnight that sent up a 5-mile plume of ash into the sky. Directly across the Pacific Ocean from this spot is western Canada (Vancouver) and US (Seattle/Portland).

    I recall back in the early 90s the eruption of Mt. Pinatubo in the Philippines, which created such an enduring ash plume there was uncharacteristically cool and wet weather for weeks in North America all the way to New York State.

    Meteorology experts – how likely is this Russian eruption to affect the remaining days of summer and the coming autumn for West Coast US? I am curious, as Washington and Oregon have had some very warm days this summer, but not as many or as extreme as some years. A knockdown in temps and increase in moisture would not be shocking or unmanageable – in fact it would be welcomed as summer is now called, “fire season.’

    1. fluffy clouds*

      Probably not much? I mean there was an eruption in iceland a decade ago that grounded flights to Europe for several days, and I don’t think that affected the weather all that much. I used to live in the PNW, and the change in weather from two decades ago (or even a decade ago) to now is shocking. It used to rain in the summer, when I first moved there. And the El Nino/La Nina effects were once every few years, not year after year.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Thanks – that makes sense. I was almost hoping that it would tamp down the temperatures and increase cloud cover for the PNW. My Seattle pals are with you at the shocking change in the last 20ish years. Summer was moderate, maybe high 70s. Now all those porous wood-framed buildings are useless against the great, sustained heat and dry summers. Yikes!

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Remember when the season was called “summer “and not “wildfire alert level is WHAT now?”

          1. Nervous Nellie*

            Yup. Summer should not be ‘fire season.’ It sad & frightening. I check airnow.gov daily from April to November before I open my windows.

        2. Headachey*

          It’s been a fairly mild summer in Seattle, (at least in comparison to recent years) with several days in the upoer 80s/low 90s last month, but no wildfire smoke so far. We’re forecasted to be in the 70s for the rest of this month. Any weather effects from an eruption would not be benign, and there’s no terrible weather to be relieved from. It’s been a lovely summer!

  55. RMNPgirl*

    I just moved into a rental house. The landlords did a great job cleaning everything but the bathroom drawers have a strong smell of face powder and other scented items. Any ideas on how to get the smells out? I’m very sensitive to them so every time I open a drawer I get a waft of scent and it’s horrible!

    1. Indolent Libertine*

      You can get sachets of activated charcoal for absorbing odors in fridges etc, that will probably work well. Or maybe a dish of baking soda left in each drawer?

      1. Bookworm in Stitches*

        Highly recommend the charcoal bags. It worked for a cabinet I purchased from MP which had a cigarette odor. We now use the bags for our shoes.

      2. Harlowe*

        Even just charcoal briquettes in a bowl will work in a pinch, if that’s all you have on hand. (Of course, only use the bare kind that isn’t coated with lighter fluid.)

    2. Red Sky*

      I’m scent sensitive and just went thru this with a used wood dresser I’ve repurposed for office storage. Remove all the drawers, clean out/vacuum any leftover powder that’s seeped into the crevices, wipe down with warm sudsy water with a few drops of dish soap (dawn or unscented) then sprinkle with baking soda and let sit in garage or outside for several days to air out. Vacuum out the baking soda and wash again with diluted vinegar. Let air dry outside, and finally, put drawers back in cabinet and get some of those charcoal odor absorber sachets to live in each drawer.

      I occasionally still get faint wiffs of the previous owners cologne when I open a drawer, but it’s very mild and tolerable (my husband can’t smell anything).

    3. Six Feldspar*

      If it’s the right weather for you, putting them out in the fresh air/sunshine might bake the scents out.

      Otherwise try wiping them down with vinegar?

      Or if there’s any residue, try vacuuming the drawers?

    4. Jessica*

      Get a newspaper. Take individual pages, loosely crumple them up, and sort of stuff the drawers with them. Leave them for a couple days, then remove and discard the newspaper and see if it helped. This is the method I learned for getting smells out of luggage, and I don’t see why it wouldn’t work in drawers too. It’s like that kind of paper somehow absorbs odors.

  56. Chicago Rookie*

    Help! Not sure anyone will see this so late in the weekend.

    I somewhat impulsively booked a trip to Chicago for the week of 1 Sept – 6 Sept, and am taking my 76-year-old mom. I plan to use exclusively use public transport, but other than flights I have nothing planned. She does pretty well for her age, and is good with using buses/subways, but I need to mindful that she is slower than she used to be.

    So I am looking for specific suggestions on where to stay, what to see (from “obvious” suggestions like the Bean, to off-the-beaten path), where to eat. I’ve never been there, so any ideas are welcome.

    I’m planning on a Cubs game, and would like to see a Second City show, but a quick review of their website indicates multiple venues and I now I’m not sure what’s what.

    This is also the busy season for you-kmow-where, so I will be putting in extra hours before then so I can feel more relaxed while I’m gone.

    1. BellaStella*

      The Shedd Aquarium, and Sue the T rex and other things at the Field Museum are nice places and take a river cruise.

      1. casts*

        Seconding the aquarium – I had to use a wheelchair when there (hurt my ankle pretty badly) and it was easy to navigate even with how crowded it was

      2. Nachos are better than tacos*

        The Shedd was under construction when we were in Chicago a couple of weeks ago. Just a heads up.

    2. Cardboard Marmalade*

      I really love the National Museum of Mexican Art (just west of the Pilsen neighborhood). It’s free, it’s always interesting, it’s not so big that you feel exhausted/overwhelmed even if you go through all the galleries, and there’s lots of great restaurants in the area.

    4. DistantAudacity*

      Going for a walk, or renting a bike, along the lake front is great. Hang out at the beach for a break (Gold coast area and northwards – others please correct)!

      If bicycles are an option for your: Look into renting bikes/ebikes. Makes it easy to visit the different neighbourhoods along the lakeside, especially northwards. Also great for getting from the Bean to the aquarium to the planetarium, etc. Bicyle lanes in downtown Chicaco are surprisingly OK, and lake front is very straightforward. Haven’t been in a few years, but there used to also be a decent city bike system.

      Second the architecture tour! The Chinatown area is fun.

      Cute places and lunch spots in the avenues paralell to N Mich Avenue – I always liked starting to look from the Rush street area (some of the streets there are insanely expensive, others have spots less so), because the streets are smaller and more walkable.

      1. DistantAudacity*

        Also, skip the line and have a beverage or a rest at the bar at the top of the Hancock tower!

    5. Hyaline*

      The museums are great if you’re a museum person, and if you want to do several look into multi-day city passes. The Shedd is great but can get very busy—I advise weekday for that one. The Field is my favorite. Science and Industry is probably more kid-focused but the u-boat exhibit and other features are pretty cool. Art Institute is fantastic, too.

      The Macy’s on State Street was the original Marshall Field’s and is worth a walk through. For restaurants, it’s an oldie but I love it—the Berghoff (German).

    6. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      The Streeterville and River North neighborhoods are good places to stay (these are the areas directly North of the river and by the Michigan Ave shopping district.) Lots of restaurants and close to busses. It’s also very easy to use Lyft in Chicago. Spacca Napoli for Neapolitan pizza and Ema for Mediterranean.

    7. Roland*

      The Bean is 100% worth seeing and not overrated at all imo, it’s significantly neater IRL than I thought it would be. Something to look forward to!

      If you want to treat yourself to Very Fancy Cocktails, I really enjoyed The Aviary. Certainly not a budget option.

      If you’re into weird/experimental theatre at all (or even just not put off by the idea), The Infinite Wrench is a really cool and fun show.

    8. IT Manager*

      An “architecture” cruise on the river is terrific. A really different way to see the city and hear the history.

    9. Chicago Rookie*

      Thank you for all of the suggestions!

      I would prefer a hotel over an AirBnB, I think. I don’t have a price in mind, but I don’t want to spend just to spend. The flights were a steal, so I’m mentally allocating what I saved there to a room.

      I like museums, my mom less so, but she will tolerate a couple for my sake. She would be perfectly happy shopping all day, but we can do that at home! I’m good with some shopping, but we had to buy a new suitcase in Vegas back in May… if that tells you.

      We like to visit Chinatowns whenever we happen to vacation where there is one, so I’m happy to hear the one in Chicago is worth a stop.

      The CityPass includes the Shedd Aquarium and Skydeck, plus a choice of three other attractions, including the Field, Adler Planetarium, Architecture Boat Tour, and Art Institute. Seems like a good deal but I haven’t priced individual tickets yet.

      Please keep your ideas/tips coming! I’m definitely getting pizza once or twice.

      1. Hyaline*

        For shopping, taking a wander up Michigan Avenue is fun even if you’re not buying anything, so you might both enjoy that.

        If you’re ok with a bit of a splurge (though you can get decent deals sometimes) I really like the Palmer House hotel downtown.

        1. Chicago Anon*

          The Palmer House is a classic. If you go to the Art Institute, Russian Tea Time is very nearby and has great food.

    10. TheBunny*

      There’s a steakhouse there called Prime and Provisions. If you’re a steakhouse person it’s yummy.

    11. allx*

      I grew up in Chicago but have been gone many years. When I go back to visit, I like to explore the city as a tourist. Last year, I did a Chicago architecture river boat tour (the one with Chicago Architecture Center docents doing the guided lecture–Chicago First Lady tours). Even though it was July and HOT, it was a fresh perspective on the wonderful buildings and commentary was quite interesting. If I was going to do it again, I would probably book a tour that included going through the locks and out into the lake where it was probably breezier and cooler. But if temperatures are pleasant, the river tour is easy sight-seeing. There is also a bar on board for snacks and drinks.

      I also did the Navy Pier Ferris Wheel. It is a wonderful, gigantic 140′ diameter Ferris Wheel that gives bird’s eye views of the Chicago lakefront skyline. It has enclosed gondolas so you aren’t exposed to the weather, and is really rather thrilling. Initially, it seemed expensive, but you go around several times-four if I recall. It is maybe 30 minutes once you are loaded. A quick look online shows that there is a free Navy Pier shuttle that runs on weekends (F-S-S) from somewhere on State Street. There are also direct busses from el stops.

      I used to like to stay at Hotel Monaco but see that it has changed hands and is now called L7. The hotel was nicely located for downtown activities and near the Lake St el stop.

    12. jleebeane*

      My husband and I were in Chicago in May and had a great time!

      I second everyone who said the architecture river tour. We learned a lot and I took many pictures of buildings. It was also a nice change to sit for awhile after a lot of walking around museums.

      I did price out the City Pass vs individual museums and it was a good deal. It also included priority entrance to the Willis Tower, which I would never in a million years paid for (I think it’s a more than $20 add on, over the cost of the ticket) but ended up really appreciating having. It got us through three separate lines faster, including the wait for the plastic box thing you can stand in and feel like you’re suspended out over the city. It was totally worth having, in the end.

      We did nothing off the beaten path, really, although we did watch a taping of Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me! If you’re a fan, I find it’s cheaper to see in their home base in Chicago than when they come tour locally, because then you have to add in extra funds for fundraising for your local NPS station.

      We also found public transportation really easy to use. Google maps had great transit directions and (mostly) accurate arrival time estimates for busses. I got a pre-paid multi day pass that I used in an app on my phone. My husband used a tap to pay credit card because he doesn’t like to pay for mobile data. I should go back and see if any of the daily “holds” actually fell off the card, because if not, the cost definitely worked out better using the pre-paid pass. That depends on how many trips you take, of course, but worth doing the math! The app was really easy to use with Google Pay.

  57. Cleaning wood floors*

    Is there a cleaning agent that is good for wooden floors? Preferably an all-in-one that cleans and protects and slightly shines the floor in one application.

    1. Elle Woods*

      We use Bona floor cleaner on our hardwood floors. It does a good job getting the floor clean and leaves them with a slight shine.

      1. Cleaning wood floors*

        Does it require its own applicator? I just have a basic sponge-type mop that you squeeze via the handle.

        1. Indolent Libertine*

          We got a kit that had the cleaner and a mop that’s kind of like a Swiffer, it has a terry cloth scrubber that attaches with Velcro and then gets tossed in the laundry.

      2. Annie Edison*

        Plus one for Bona! I’ve used it on some pretty neglected floors before and it did an amazing job

    3. mreasy*

      Murphy’s Oil Soap is my absolute favorite for wood floors. And the smell, to me, is heaven.

      1. noname today*

        Second this—and they now have a squirt-and-go formula that you can squirt on the floor and mop over the surface—no diluting needed!!!

    4. DistantAudacity*

      Is it plain wood? Or is it laquered or oiled?

      Oily soap (brand depending on location) is usually the recommended option. Using right kind, you can even use it to treat the untreated wood (altough it does need regular maintenance).

    5. Jay*

      I use Murphy’s Oil Soap with a little bit of Old English Lemon Oil added for a bit more oil. I use this for more serious cleanings.
      If I’m only doing a touch up, they have a Swiffer Wet Jet for wood floors that’s the easiest thing in the world to use.
      I also have a Floor Shark steam cleaner for hardwood floors for once a year deep cleans.
      I also know people who swear by white vinegar, but the smell is a hard “NO” for me.

  58. Ali + Nino*

    Highly recommend the architecture river tour with Chicago Architecture Foundation, a non profit.

    The Art Institute is always great! There’s also the Chicago Botanical Gardens.

    as far as what neighborhood to stay in – do you want a hotel or an Airbnb? You might be able to narrow down your location once you figure out what you want to do. Have a great trip!

  59. Printing photos*

    How do you print photos of unusual sizes (basically anything other than 4*6″)?

    I’ve tried Shutterfly and Walmart (I would ideally like the prints delivered) but they get pricey. I’m looking to print nine 8*8″ photos and six 4.75*6.75″ – I’ve never even seen this size advertised, should I just print 5*7 and hope for the best? Thanks in advance!

    1. Hyaline*

      Shutterfly has square sizes—I believe 8×8! I just ordered several.

      For the others I’d print 5×7 and crop them—maybe edit the photos to add a plain border?

      1. Printing photos*

        Yes, I might just bite the bullet and get the square pics from Shutterfly. great idea re: border!

  60. StrayMom*

    Content warning – slimy invader alert.
    We have a first floor condo that we use every weekend. We’re in Western NY near the PA border. There is no basement – just a concrete pad.
    We noticed some shiny dry lines on the area rugs, and this morning hubby stepped on a slug. We have no idea how the critter got it or what it’s after. I do clean weekly (but, full disclosure, not Mother-in-law clean). Any gardeners or others out there with any advise to keep these guys out? I don’t want to harm them, but I sure don’t want them for roommates!

    1. Becky S*

      If you can figure out how they’re getting in, sprinkle salt in that area. They won’t cross over that.

    2. Peanut Hamper*

      Leave a shallow bowl of beer outside the door. They like beer and will probably prefer that instead of whatever is in your house.

  61. the bottle of wine*

    I was gifted a bottle of wine from an acquaintance but I don’t drink. Would it be ok to give it to my friends who do drink? is it bad that it will be obvious it is a regift since they know I don’t drink and don’t buy wine?

    1. Unkempt Flatware*

      Anyone who likes wine will think this is a score! I do the same with alcohol gifts. Just say, “Hey, I got a bottle of wine as a gift. Do you want it?”. It’s not tacky like regifting can often seem.

    2. Esprit de l'escalier*

      I don’t drink either and I wouldn’t hesitate to offer such a gift to my friends who do drink. I am quite sure they would be happy to take it off my hands. It isn’t the least bit tacky.

    3. Hyaline*

      Nothing wrong with saying “I got a bottle of wine as a gift but won’t drink it, would you like it?” And nothing wrong with an actual regift (giving as a gift without the disclaimer) in this situation either imo.

    4. TheBunny*

      Send it to me. I’ll take it.

      In all seriousness…if you have wine drinker friends, I speak from experience, we love a good bottle of wine and are just fine if it’s regifted…still tastes the same.

    5. Jessica*

      Totally fine. The only thing I find annoying in this vein is when someone is obviously just trying to get some white elephant off their hands, but they make an elaborate pretense that it’s a serious gift they thoughtfully picked out just for you.

      This isn’t even really a Gift, there’s no occasion, you weren’t motivated by the desire to get them something or any emotion about them, you just have a thing you don’t want, and could they use it? I pitch it like “I know nothing of wine [totally the actual truth!], do you drink this kind?” Like I’m aware there are different kinds, but that’s about all I know. So if this is red and they like white, or it’s cheap junk compared to the level of fancy wine they like, or they’ve secretly stopped drinking, or whatever, they can easily just say no thanks, I don’t care for that sort.

      It’s insulting and rude to reject a gift. But it’s not rude to turn down a casual “I can’t use this, can you?” offer, nor is it rude to make such an offer. Just make that offer and don’t wrap it up in a lot of phony folderol that will make them feel awkward about saying no. If your first wine-drinking friend doesn’t go for it, the next one probably will.

    6. allathian*

      Regifting things that you can’t use is fine. With consumables, it’s easy to offer without making it a gift.

  62. *daha**

    No worries. I’d say make it a no-occasion gift, just straight out “this was given to me but you know I don’t drink wine. Would you like it?”

  63. Solar panels portugal*

    Portugal is a shining example of solar energy success! With its abundant sunshine, investing in solar panels not only cuts electricity bills but also supports a greener future. The country’s commitment to renewable energy makes it a fantastic place to harness solar power and reduce your carbon footprint.

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