weekend open thread — August 24-25, 2024

by Alison Green on August 23, 2024

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: A Likely Story, by Leigh McMullan Abramson. The daughter of a celebrated author struggles to succeed as a writer herself. Ethical missteps and family secrets abound.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

You may also like:
{ 844 comments }

{ 844 comments… read them below }

  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

  2. Anonymous Educator*

    I’ve heard that when you get older, you mainly still like the music from your teens and 20s. I definitely love me some 90s music, but am I the only Gen X’er who’s actually digging Chappell Roan right now? One of my favorite artists is also mxmtoon (not as famous but definitely up and coming).

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I mean, I saw a reel from Dan Povenmire the other day (co-creator of Phineas and Ferb, age 60) waxing poetic about how she had given Lollapalooza the most iconic concert experience since Freddie Mercury and Queen at Live Aid. So… no, you are not the only.

      1. Double A*

        I mean, Chappell Roan is a cross generational breakout star, I don’t really think liking her disproves the general trend that most people are most strongly attached to music from their 20s and mostly listen to that. I (elder millennial) love listening to Chappell Roan with my 5 year old. And I’m constantly actively seeking out new music from all sorts of genres and eras, and yet…my very favorite stuff is from about 2002-2014.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Ok. The question was “Am I the only” and the answer is (invariably) “No, you are not the only.”

    2. Gen X but still listening*

      Not just you! Gen X here, and my 3 favorite albums of the last 2 years are by Chappell Roan, Olivia Rodrigo, and Caroline Polachek. On the other hand, the last concert I went to was Violent Femmes, so I guess I still like the “oldies” too.

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        I am a Gen X’er who also loves Caroline Polachek, Olivia Rodrigo and Chappell Roan! It’s also fun to see how current artists play with and re-mix 90s influences – for example, beabadobee sounds 90s but very current at the same time. And I really like re-visiting artists from the 90s/early 2000s that I didn’t get into back then – one example of that is Bikini Kill, who were constantly sneered at by rock journalists who were threatened by the very idea of women playing loud punk music.

      2. Reluctant Mezzo*

        I’m a Boomer who loves Imagine Dragon, Maroon 5, Olivia Rodrigo, Beyonce (still bop around the room for ‘Single Ladies’), and enjoying Teddy Swims, though Teddy Swims fills the hole in my head Cab Calloway left when he suffered Permanent Singer Failure.

    3. H.C.*

      I dig both too (so sad I couldn’t make mxmtoon’s tour this year); also Chapelle’s style does have that throwback synthpop vibe so that might explain its appeal to an older crowd.

      I enjoy EDM quite a bit and while I still love a lot of big room, anthem-y tracks from 00s, there’s a lot of contemporary styles & tracks that I’m enjoying now.

    4. Annie Edison*

      I’m an elder millennial but yes, right there with you on Chappell Roan! I’m loving so much of the current pop trends lately

    5. Harlowe*

      I’m Gen X. Whether people my age actively seek out new music is a major factor in friendship compatibility for me. I cannot tolerate people who do nothing but talk about the old days and listen to the same decade of songs over and over. Not only is that boring AF, but (as someone coming from a family riddled with dementia) I’m all about learning and novel experiences to retain neuroplasticity.

      That said, I have to be self-aware enough to admit that the new acts I spark with are at least somewhat reminiscent of music I liked in my younger years. For example, I’m loving Lawrence (the brother sings like Huey Lewis) and Greta Van Fleet (singer is a Robert Plant clone). Similarly, I think Chappell Roan is particularly loved by our age bracket because her sound is distinctly 80s, and that’s been missing from pop for a long time.

    7. RagingADHD*

      I need to go listen to some, because my teenager just gave me a dissertation about Chappell Roan, and apparently I am more out of it than I realized, because I thought Red-Wine Supernova was a euphemism for a really terrible menstrual period.

      In return, I had to explain to my teen how referring to the “themes of Sapphic love” in Chappell’s songs made her sound like That Guy From Your MFA Literature Class, and why that’s cringe.

      2. Elle*

        Interesting how talking about something unique to queer women makes her sound to you like….a guy. Is it really “cringe” for lesbians and other sapphics to be enthused about representation?

        1. RagingADHD*

          No, not at all. The subject matter was neither surprising nor cringey.

          I thought the phrase sounded incredibly pretentious and Victorian-era euphemistic instead of just saying it was about being queer, or about her attraction to a woman. I just don’t want my kid getting in a bad habit of being needlessly precious.

          1. Myrin*

            FWIW I thought your comment was perfectly clear and I probably would’ve had the same reaction as you did.

        2. Rainy*

          I’m both queer and a classicist, and I also did a hard record scratch at that phrase. I feel like someone talking about their special interest using appropriate literary terminology is good, actually?

          That Guy In Your MFA isn’t going to talk about themes of Sapphic love, for the record. He’s going to complain that Chappell Roan’s lyrics are unintelligible nonsense because everyone knows that it’s not sex unless there’s a penis involved.

          1. RagingADHD*

            Well, I suppose you’ll just have to take my word for it (or not, if you’re already determined not to), but the way she said it sounded like a the way a budding weeaboo uses their five Japanese vocabulary words.

            And it seemed to me that exoticising a singer who is currently engaged in public dialogue about problematic fan interactions was probably not the road she would want to take if she thought about it.

            1. Violet*

              The word sapphic isn’t exoticizing or being overly academic, it’s the current word the queer community is using to refer to any woman (or fem-aligned non-binary person) that is attracted to other women/fems, regardless of whether that attraction is exclusive to a single gender (i.e. it is more inclusive than just saying lesbian, because it also covers bi and pan women).
              The male/masc counterpart term is Achillean :)
              You should always use a more specific term when speaking about a particular individual (if you know their chosen label), but these words are good to talk about the experiences common in an entire community!

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      I’m afraid I fit this stereotype but mostly because I am way too lazy to seek out newer music.

      1. the cat's pajamas*

        Where do y’all find new music these days? There’s so much of it and it seems like a lot of it is only on social media? I like the distribution of power and more variety than just old school top 40, but it’s overwhelming, too. I also prefer “unpopular” music, lol.

          1. Anonymous cat*

            Seconding Spotify. It creates playlists and you can create your own playlists of songs you liked.

            Also—if you’ve never tried Spotify, they have a wide variety of genres. I have both pop music and meditation music. (Separate lists!)

            1. Anonymous cat*

              Wanted to add—I’m not sure how royalties work on Spotify and pandora but I can say that most new music I’ve bought over the last five years was after I heard it on Spotify or pandora.

              1. ElastiGirl*

                How royalties work on Spotify: they don’t. Spotify is notorious for ripping artists off.

                My son is in a band that had a single song with about 3 million streams on Spotify last year. For that, plus the other dozens of songs the band released in 2023 on Spotify, he earned $350.

                He recommends Tidal, if you’re looking for a more ethical streaming platform

              2. RC*

                I have legit gone out and bought albums from artists which were presented to me on a Pandora channel (erm… actually maybe the only albums I’ve bought from artists I didn’t previously know in the last several years)

        2. Six Feldspar*

          I just turn on Triple J (Australian indie music radio station) and if I like a sing I’ll look it up.

          They have a Spotify channel and for people overseas I believe the radio can be streamed too but I haven’t tried it myself

          1. Voluptuousfire*

            I have to smile at the timing of this. I’m a late Gen X baby and was a teenager in the Mid90s and just happen to be reading the memoir that Ben Gillies and Chris Joannou from Silverchair wrote about their time in the band. I absolutely absolutely love that band and I still do.

            1. Six Feldspar*

              Feels strange to think of Silverchair as classic Australian rock but they’ve been here a long while and their influence can be seen on newer musicians!

        3. Harlowe*

          Music-map is great for this, just enter an artist you love and it creates a word cloud of suggestions.

          There’s also a great subreddit called “ifyoulikeblank” where you can ask for recommendations.

        5. Trixie*

          Radio Paradise with multiple options of streaming music, free but donations accepted. Rock mix, Mellow mix, and World mix. I play the app on my Roku TV and it’s great background music.

      2. OaDC*

        Me too. I’m not that interested in music. This does not actually make me boring AF and I talk about everything but the old days. Just don’t care about music.

      3. allathian*

        Same thing for me, but now I might just go and listen to a few Chappell Roan songs.

        I mean, I’m 52 and most of the music I listen to is by artists who were popular when I was in my teens and early 20s, even if they’re still making new music and touring.

    9. Anonymous cat*

      For “popular” music I think that’s true for me. I try to listen to current music too so I don’t get rusty but I’ve noticed similarities between new music I like and my early music.

      But I’ve also found I’m enjoying classical music and that predates me by at least a century or two or three. :)

      So I think that idea works more for contemporary music, but classical and related kinds of music are in a different brain category.

      1. allathian*

        Agreed on the classical music. That said, most instrumental music I listen to is by modern composers, generally created for movies and TV shows. Favorites include Howard Shore (LotR), John Williams (Star Wars), Bear McCreary (Battlestar Galactica remake), Ramin Djawadi (GoT, House of the Dragon, Westworld, Eternals), Ludwig Göransson (The Mandalorian, Oppenheimer), Hans Zimmer (Gladiator, Dune 1&2)…

        1. Anonymous cat*

          Soundtrack music! I think the instrumental music for Titanic was just beautiful!

          I always suggest The Piano Guys (with cello) on here. They do a lot of covers in inventive ways.

            1. allathian*

              And a few songs, as well. I especially like Into the West by Annie Lennox.

              In The Return of the King there’s a scene where Pippin sings to the Steward of Gondor. Billy Boyd had been given the lyrics but basically adlibbed the melody. In post production, Howard Shore composed the piece it segues into in the movie.

          2. Working Class Lady*

            Yes! “My Heart Will Go On” was what hooked me onto Celine Dion’s music as a teenager. That song is still one of my favorites today.

            1. allathian*

              “My Heart Will Go On” was what turned me off Céline Dion’s music as a young adult. I listened to the radio a lot at the time, and I’d invariably change stations when it came on. It was so overhyped that I actually refused to watch Titanic until 2005 when I watched it on VHS (!) on a tiny 20-in Philips TV/VHS combo in my husband’s apartment. This in spite of the fact that James Cameron was one of my favorite directors at the time.

              That said, I really enjoyed Céline Dion’s performance at the Olympics opening ceremony.

        2. Elizabeth West*

          Yep, me too; soundtracks are my main music and have been for quite a few years.

          I do like some contemporary stuff. I liked Ed Sheeran’s Multiply album, and I think Billie Eilish and Dodie Clark are really good. My tastes are a little eclectic; after I got really into Nick Drake, I found James Vincent McMorrow’s folk-ish early stuff very pleasing. I still love him although he’s adopted a more mainstream sound.

          Not really into rap and hip-hop, although I will listen if someone is playing it. Country is a big fat no. In fact, one reason I never got into Taylor Swift is that she started out country and that was an automatic avoid for me. I just don’t like it.

          1. allathian*

            My taste in music is very eclectic and even if I don’t like a genre in general I might like individual songs, this is true of rap and hip hop. Admittedly I generally avoid electronica, free jazz, and death metal. I want songs/pieces with a hummable tune.

            My dad enjoys country music, and I have happy memories of listening to Dolly Parton, Johnny Cash, etc. with him when I was a kid.

            That said, when all is said and done, if I had to name the type of music I mostly listen to, it’s 80s rock sung by people with a slightly raspy voice (Bryan Adams, Bruce Springsteen, Bonnie Tyler, Melissa Etheridge…)

            1. Elizabeth West*

              Old-school country is tolerable, like Johnny Cash, Dolly Parton, Patsy Cline, etc., and I also don’t mind bluegrass. A few of the ’80s crossover hits weren’t bad, and I liked Kenny Rogers back then too. But I don’t like the overall twangy sound of country, either in voices or instruments. It’s like pop gone wrong — I can’t really describe it, but it makes me cringe.

              My ex did not like to listen to anything else and he would complain when I tried to play MY music. So there is also a negative association around being forced to listen when I didn’t want to.

              My ’80s faves were techno-pop / New Wave, classic rock, and especially prog rock. When people ask me “Beatles or Stones?” I always say “Pink Floyd.” :)

              And then there is the brilliant (1976) Tales of Mystery and Imagination album by The Alan Parsons Project. In high school (’80s), we were studying Poe, and my favorite English teacher let this one kid bring the album to school and play it. That’s where I first heard it. It was a lovely thing to do since that kid was one of the school troublemakers and it brought him some positive attention.

        3. Working Class Lady*

          You might enjoy Lindsey Stirling if you like the sound of instrumental music.
          Classic but modern at the same time.

      2. amoeba*

        Not just classical for me – I mean, that too, but I already listened to quite a lot of stuff from the 80s (metal/rock, mostly) and earlier (like Queen or the Beatles) in my teens, and I was a teen in the 2000s. But yeah, I don’t really find new stuff so much anymore (or even new to me old stuff!), sadly – I really think it’s just that most people invest a lot more time and energy into music and bands/artists at that age, and afterwards just basically… have a repository of things they like and keep listening to mostly that. m

    10. Rara Avis*

      I grew up listening to my parents’ music (60’s) and still probably prefer that era. But currently listening to a lot of Chappell Roan because my teen controls the soundtrack in the car. She’s catchy, for sure/

    11. RussianInTexas*

      I am probably stereotype, because I am mostly stuck in the music spanning 1992 to 2019, and most really stopped around 2010. There are genres I don’t really listen to, and they are what prevalent in the music now.
      Basically, once I started WFH in 2020, I stopped hearing new music. I also use music as background, so I don’t mind having the same 500 songs playlist forever.

    13. Seashell*

      I’m a Gen X-er, and most of the music I listen to is about mid-60’s (which was before I was born) to late-90’s. I don’t know that much new music, but I do like Olivia Rodrigo, as does my teenage kid. Olivia had The Breeders on tour with her and sang “You’re So Vain” at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, so I think we have some overlapping musical interests.

      I was listening to the Women in Rock channel on the Sirius XM app, and it plays some new stuff, like Billie Eilish and Olivia, as well as older stuff I like, such as The Pretenders, Janis Joplin, Bonnie Raitt, and Joni Mitchell.

    14. slowingaging*

      I’m baby boomer. I listened to LP’s and the phonograph held 6 records. It would be classical, gospel, rock, hard rock etc. My Amazon music play list is still all over the place. Anyone mentions a song and I will listen and add to playlist or discard. I can drive down the road with the windows open and the feel the music blasting. It’s fun to discuss In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida with a metal band drummer.

    15. Sandwich*

      I’m mid-30s and all the music I listen to regularly now is music I discovered in the last few years. I still like the music I liked in my 20s, but it’s not what I regularly listen to.

    16. Emotional support capybara (he/him)*

      Gen X here and my taste is all over the map. My everyday driving playlist has Willie Nelson, Steely Dan, Babymetal, assorted game soundtrack music, a little Thomas Benjamin Wilde, a lot of Rush…

    17. Alex*

      I’m 43 and like her. I love Billie Eilish. And Olivia Rodrigo. I still like 90s music too! But I probably listen most to Billie Eilish these days. I may be old enough to be her mom but that’s ok!

    18. Donkey Hotey*

      Solid Gen X, and I do enjoy Chappell along with Kiki Rockwell, et al. (I count on my nibblings to keep me up to date on music.) But to your original question: there was a cross-generational study recently. (Callum Davies, the Washington Post, “the power of nostalgia.”) Basically, no matter the person’s age, they all responded that the best music came out after the respondent was born and before they turned 35.

    19. IGoAnonAnonAnon*

      mxmtoon was in my middle kid’s high school graduating class! She is a lovely person IRL, and her music is fun.

    20. AGD*

      Gen Y here. As a kid, I liked ’90s music, but after I turned 11, I found myself losing interest and totally failing to connect with anything later than the Spice Girls. I kept listening to pop music for a while just in case, but by 15 I’d mostly given up on it and started listening mostly to classic rock. By 18 I started getting back into modern pop -rock, but only really indie stuff.

    21. StrayMom*

      I met a charming younger man this weekend. He was a little shy at first, but eventually we made a connection. We shared lunch poolside (he had chicken fingers and fries, I had a salad), and then we spent time together relaxing in the (kiddie) pool. He’s my daughter’s Godson, and she and I were sitting while his parents attended a family event. I, for one, am head over heals.

    22. Bruce*

      I’m definitely stuck in an REM / B52s endless loop, but what saves me is the live music we have in our little town. My sister in law introduced us to her musical friends when we moved here, 4 of them are in about 6 different bands in various combinations, and there are more outside that circle. Pretty much can go listen to live music any weekend! My wife is best friends with some of their parents now too :-)

    23. Quinalla*

      I mean, there is a lot of nostalgia at play when you hear things from your past. Also, there is the whole you couldn’t get away from the top 10/top 20/whatever in the past, that is not as much of thing now with less radio, more access to music from all sorts of artists, etc.

      I do love a lot of music from when I grew up, but I also love adding new artists/songs to my playlists when I find ones I like. Also, there is a lot of music from when I grew up that I DO NOT like either cause it was so overplayed or because it wasn’t very good :)

    2. Kyrielle*

      I have recovered from my dental surgery sufficiently to go back to eating normally instead of avoiding hard/crunchy/things with seeds/etc.

    3. Tiny clay insects*

      My debut novel was released! And, despite all my anxiety beforehand, my book release party was wonderful!

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Was that the queer roller derby YA? I ordered that, so I’ll be on the lookout for it in the mail! I think my friend’s kid is really going to enjoy it.

    4. Annie Edison*

      I volunteer for a program called Cascades Pika Watch, in which volunteers collaborate with scientists to collect data on pika populations in the Columbia River Gorge. If you don’t know what a pika is- imagine a rabbit-like animal about the size, shape, and color of a potato, that lives in rocky places in the mountains and collects large piles of hay to feed on through the winter. They are the absolute cutest and I am obsessed.
      The joy: after several pika-free hikes earlier this summer, I finally saw one this week! He came scampering out and even did a pika call which, honestly, was so insanely cute my cheeks hurt from smiling afterwards. As a bonus, I got to spend some time sitting by a gorgeous waterfall in the Gorge with no one else around afterwards, which was incredibly peaceful and restorative.

      1. allx*

        This story makes me so happy! And brings back the memory of hiking in the Olympic National Park/Olympic National Forest 30 years ago and seeing pikas for the first (and only) time. At that time and place, the pikas were abundant and adorable, and seemingly friendly, scampering up to us and dashing away over the rocky terrain. So cute! Thanks for sharing that there is such a program as a Pika Watch.

      2. Bike Walk Barb*

        Thank you for doing this work. They sound adorable. This sounds like the kind of project that should be featured on “Into the Wild” on KUOW.

        I listened today to a story about the first serious giraffe researcher, Anne Innis Dagg, who got no appreciation (or tenure) because she was a woman who earned her PhD in the 1950s. There’s now a documentary film about her, The Woman Who Loves Giraffes. Then a story about Dr. Jocelyn Atkins, who started her own nonprofit, Cascade Carnivore Project, to find and study wolverines and has found them traveling amazing distances (thousands of miles!).

        Animals don’t have to be charismatic megafauna to be interesting. I’d 100% listen to a story about pikas and especially the volunteer data collection angle.

      3. Bruce*

        ooo which waterfall? Have not visited the waterfalls yet, we live on the Columbia near the coast…

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      The building management installed our new bedroom closet doors and we are totally done with all renovations!

    6. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Partner and I are visiting family in our home country, and these past few days I’ve been working half days and spending afternoons reading at the beach near the house he grew up in. Despite the intense heat, it’s been so relaxing, and felt like a completely natural way to split my time. A reminder that, though I don’t yet know the “how”, a life where I work my day job fewer hours and nurture my interests (or large creative side projects) the rest of the time seems to be where my soul is pushing to head.

    7. Writerling*

      Went for a walk at night and a tiny (teenage?) skunk and I startled each other. It was really cute, it turned and hurried back to where it came from and I guess I can count my lucky stars nothing else happened? Haha

      1. GoryDetails*

        Little skunks are adorable, aren’t they? As long as they don’t get upset. Glad your encounter ended peacefully!

          1. A reader among many*

            Ohhh. :)

            I used to walk at night (worked night shift at the time) and there was a local park with some hills and downed trees that hosted a small skunk family. They’d frisk and frolic in the middle of the neighboring road sometimes, chasing each other around. They were super-cute! And I walked far, far around them, just in case.

      2. Just Another Cog*

        Oh my goodness, juvenile skunks ARE adorable! We just had one on our back patio last evening. Our old dog was grunting at it through the door. At first, I was a bit horrified because…skunk.. but when he/she was waddling away, I said “cute little suckers, aren’t they?” to my spouse.

        1. Writerling*

          Aww, yeah very cute. Makes me wonder if I’d have even seen it if I had a dog, but I’m sure that happens because I remember a story about a dog getting sprayed (and not learning his lesson for the second encounter hahaha).

    8. allathian*

      Our son’s finally finding some new friends outside of school. He’s always been a bit of a slow starter, and reluctant to go anywhere outside of his comfort zone even if he nearly always eds up enjoying the activity. He’s been going to the scouts since first grade, now that he’s in ninth, he’s actually looking forward to going and seeing his friends. Last time, he stayed at the meet for an extra hour to talk.

      For a few years, given the choice he wouldn’t have done anything except play games on his computer, phone, or the PS5, watch YouTube videos, or read. I’ve never restricted his reading, but the other stuff…

      So while he’s unlikely to ever be very gregarious (introvert with two introverted parents), I’m glad he’s doing well at school both academically and socially, and finding more friends outside of school.

    9. BellaStella*

      I continue to see foxes and weasels regularly and loads of birds where I live so the joy is seeing them! I took several walks each evening this week in little villages nearby so I got to see new things. Went to the lake one night too! And I was able to watch online some exciting speeches that happened in Illinois! It has been a joyful week on many fronts!

    10. LBD*

      The new hens have finally started laying, and the older, black hen continues to greet me whenever I arrive at the coop. She is very talkative, and sometimes crouches down to let me pet her. Some children named all the hens, too. The distintive hens have unique names, and the 10 white ones share the same name, with the numbers 1 through 10 added as a sort of second name!

    11. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I am getting my craft room put together, including finally assembling the floor loom that’s been in three piles of parts since I brought him home in May. The local shop also finally got their fall class schedules up, and I was able to register for a 3-day weaving workshop and an evening session on spinning plant fibers (flax, cotton and silk), so I’m quite looking forward to both of those.

      1. allathian*

        Congrats! The spinning session sounds intriguing. Natural fibers are great to wear, even if growing them isn’t always as sustainable as I’d like. Cotton uses humongous amounts of water, and most silk is still harvested by boiling the silkworms alive in their cocoons, although Peace Silk peoducers collect the cocoons when the insects have matured and abandoned them.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I’m not terribly likely to do much spinning of plant fibers, to be honest, if only because my understanding is that it’s a lot more fiddly than animal fibers for various structural reasons. Wool and similar are also much much more prevalent and easy to acquire. But I would like to know how, and the instructor is the same person I first learned how to spin wool from. So I will take the knowledge :)

          1. allathian*

            Indeed. A friend of a friend made yarn from the undercoat hairs of her Golden Retrievers. She made pure chiengora. The best dog hair to spin yarn from comes from dogs with rough, longish coats (Golden Retriever, Newfoundland, Samoyed…). Shorter dog hair can also be spun if it’s mixed with, say, sheep’s wool.

    12. anonymous anteater*

      I baked absolutely terrible, no good, bone dry cinnamon rolls earlier in the week. Bit of a fluke, really. This morning, I made them into delicious French toast, and thus saved them from being wasted. Makes me happy, and what a nice start into the weekend!

    13. RagingADHD*

      I solved a tricky pattern drafting problem to put fancy sleeves on my next Regency ballgown, so that was exciting.

      And we got a great deal on an electric car to replace my husband’s beater that finally died.

    14. RedinSC*

      My second English saddle riding lesson.

      I’m a kook, but it was fun. It’s so different from Western.

    15. Elizabeth West*

      The weather was so nice for a couple of days this past week that I was able open the windows and leave the AC completely off. Autumn is on the way, and I can walk okay now so I’ll be able to go leaf peeping! \0/

    16. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m sitting in northeastern north america and it’s the beginning of migration season. My yard has been alive with birds– a half dozen eastern bluebirds, a couple of goldfinches, chickadees galore, robins, native sparrows, and the occasional dead silence that indicates a hawk overhead.

    17. carcinization*

      Found a nice new Halloween wreath (it may not technically be a wreath though because it’s shaped like a moon).

    18. Just Another Cog*

      Fires have finally calmed down in our area. We’ve had practically a ring of them from lightning strikes all around our small town since early July. Luckily, we haven’t been in any real danger, but the smoke has been horrible. It has finally rained a few times without the lightning storms and the fires are better under control. Thankful for the firefighters from all over the country.

    19. Ali + Nino*

      I finally put arranged and hung up a gallery wall of photographs and art in our living room. It took a long time but I just feel so delighted every time I glance at it! we’ve lived here for more than two years and this is helping it finally feel like home. worth the wait! Now for the dining room walls…

    20. Voluptuousfire*

      I sold my family’s house and I’m moving out! I’m excited about it because I’ve never lived on my own before, but I’m excited to see what life brings.

    21. Bike Walk Barb*

      Free fruit! I live in the Pacific NW where wild blackberries are invasively, thornily obnoxious. But this means I can find and pick as many as I want. My neighborhood also has multiple untended apple trees that drop their fruit on the public right of way. I picked blackberries and macerated them in red/white wine vinegar for a couple of weeks to make a flavored vinegar I can give as gifts. Last weekend I picked and froze more blackberries, gleaned apples, and made the most delicious blackberry apple chutney with the ones that had been soaking in vinegar. I didn’t even have to add the vinegar the recipe called for to have the tanginess I wanted, which definitely felt like an extra win.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I once caught the end of a story broadcast on the radio in which it was suggested that dragons eventually developed into cats.

  5. chocolate muffins*

    What books have you all read with interesting narration? I don’t mean that the narrator is themselves an interesting person, necessarily, but that there’s something interesting about how they tell the story. Unreliable narrators would be an example of the kind of thing I’m thinking of, or something like a child describing an event in a way that leads an adult reader to have a totally different interpretation than the child narrator does. (I don’t think the child example would be an unreliable narrator exactly, more something that highlights the difference between how a child vs. an adult might understand a particular event – but maybe I just don’t understand how people typically use the term “unreliable narrator”, and if you all want to share thoughts on what that term means, I would love to read those too!) I can, of course, find lists online of books with specific types of narration, but I am curious which specific ones stood out to you all and what made them special for you.

    This question brought to you by me reading several books recently with interesting narration – here are some examples to kick off this sub-thread:
    – The Remains of the Day – beautiful book with a narrator who seems detached from his own emotions but tells the story in a way that allows the reader to understand the emotional resonance of a situation better than the narrator himself does.
    – We Need New Names – I mentioned this in the book thread last weekend and this is what I was thinking of in my example above about a child narrating an event differently than how an adult would understand that same event. In this particular book, a child is growing up with a lot of poverty and political instablity, but these things seem normal to her so she narrates them in a matter-of-fact way, whereas an adult reader – or at least me – is likely to be horrified by what is being described. This doesn’t seem like unreliable narration to me, maybe because she is describing events as most kids in her situation would see them, so the difference between the narrator and the reader is one of developmental stage and not something idiosyncratic to that specific narrator? But again, maybe I just don’t understand what an unreliable narrator is.
    – Lolita of course. I read this a while ago but it’s probably among the best-known books that might come to mind when thinking of examples of the kind of thing I’m asking for.

    1. Kara*

      Interior Chinatown is told in second person pov, completely unique to any other book ive read, its an interesting way of experiencing a book and connected me to it in ways a typical narrative would not have

      1. Atheist Nun*

        I thought that Interior Chinatown was written as a screenplay (with directions to the actor), and it was absolutely brilliant.

      2. Brunching with Penguins*

        The Maid, by Nita Prose – the main character/narrator “struggles with social cues” and is somewhat neuro-atypical. And yet – delightful!

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I just read Matthew Reilly’s “Mr. Einstein’s Secretary” and it had some interesting jumps around in the telling, different shifts in timeline and viewpoint – like, at one point it seems like you’re experiencing current events from a certain POV, and then farther on in the book you realize that the first point was a flashback memory and it wasn’t the character you thought it was, so now you’re seeing it as current and more accurate.

    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Some Wilkie Collins 19th-century thrillers have multiple narrators, which I always enjoy. I liked *The Moonstone* and especially *The Woman in White*. Sarah Waters’s *Fingersmith* has that too.

      1. Overthinking It*

        I don’t know if you would think so, but most things by Rumor Godden, especially “In This House of Brede” has frequent flash-forwards with different characters giving there perspective time of the events, looking back.

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        Me too. Amy’s casual, barely contained bitterness is like nothing I’ve ever read.

        1. OrdinaryJoe*

          Yes! Gone Girl was my first thought too – it was shocking when you got to see the real Amy.

          1. Ali + Nino*

            Totally agree. I loved the book and although I know Gillian Flynn helped with the film adaptation I just felt it wasn’t as powerful.

    5. AcademiaNut*

      Some fairly recent SFF books with very distinct first person narrative voices are The Blacktongue Thief by Christopher Buehlman and The Scholomance Trilogy by Naomi Novik.

      On a completely different note are the Bastable books by E. Nesbit, a set of three books plus a couple short stories about the well meaning activities of a family of children. I saw it described as a book that was designed for parents to read to their children, which makes perfect sense. The narrator is from the point of view of a rather pompous young child, while an adult reader will pick up on the dissonance between the children’s approach things like helping people and making money, and the way the adults react.

    7. Dark Macadamia*

      I love this question! I’m excited to see what people come up with. First ones that come to mind for me:

      The Book Thief is narrated by Death. The thing that I think is interesting/unusual is that Death sometimes tells you a character is going to die and it’s still SO UPSETTING when it happens. There’s an excellent balance of “professional distance” and emotional response from Death as a character.

      Yellowface by RF Kuang is not quite an unreliable narrator but every time she makes a choice you’re like GIRL NO and there’s this really fascinating aspect where you can’t always tell if she honestly believes what she’s saying or knows it’s BS.

      Code Name Verity is cool because it’s written as a forced confession from a spy and there are some things that don’t quite make sense until they do.

      The Fifth Season has an amazing style of multiple narration including one in second person.

      2. LNLN*

        In The Rook by Daniel O’Malley, the main character does not remember anything about who she is. She finds letters from herself telling her what she needs to knows. It is an unusual and compelling way of revealing the character and storyline.

      4. Feeling Feline*

        Yellowface is phenomenal. As East Asian, there is another layer of, I always found Athena malignant and terrifying, and wasn’t sure how much of that was June’s narrative. Then later Rebecca Kuang in her interviews pretty much confirmed exactly what I suspected.

      5. femininonymous*

        Unlikely Animals by Annie Harnett is narrated by the dead members of the town it’s set in; it’s great.

    8. Atheist Nun*

      I liked the English translation of You by Zoran Drvenkar (original written in German). The story is a fast moving thriller/mystery, and each chapter is narrated in second person, directed at a different character. There are plot twists and double crosses, and I thought it was a lot of fun.

    9. Angstrom*

      It’s been a while, but didn’t Gideon the Ninth have an interesting narrative voice? Or was it just snark?

      1. Six Feldspar*

        I was about to suggest the Locked Tomb series, for narrators we have:
        – Gideon the Ninth – teenage jock girl who zones out and starts thinking about hot girls whenever anyone else talks about the plot or how the world works
        – Harrow the Ninth – teenage nerd girl with memory issues working in the world’s shittiest startup and also narrating in second person
        – Nona the Ninth – teenage girl who’s also funxtionally six months old living on a planet that’s about to be invaded by aliens

        All of this is plot relevant as well but I’m trying to avoid spoilers. Can’t wait to see what kind of narrator we get for Alecto the Ninth!

        1. Hlao-roo*

          I love the Locked Tomb series and have read each of the books multiple times, partly because the narrative voices/narrators are so interesting!

        2. Eyeprentice*

          I bounced off the Locked Tomb series because people kept trying to sell it to me as “lesbian enemies to lovers necromancers” and the first book started off with a level of brutality that I couldn’t tolerate from the enemies in question.

          1. Person from the Resume*

            Also too long and too many characters with multiple names.

            Gideon the Ninth had a likable, snarky teenage hero as the narrator and she was personable.

            Harrow the Ninth was not as interesting or likable and too much of a slog. I finished it but read no more.

        3. Ceanothus*

          “World’s shittiest startup” is a GREAT descriptor.

          I don’t think Harrowhard is narrating her book, actually. The narrator knows a LOT about swords.

    10. RagingADHD*

      Wake Up Sir! by Jonathan Ames is told from the POV of a modern-day Bertie Wooster type narrator, and the storytelling is so interesting that I can’t tell you anything more about it without spoilers.

      If you’re going to read it, do not read reviews or blurbs, or you risk losing at least half of the experience.

    11. Double A*

      I’d say Gideon the Ninth. You get such a strong sense of Gideon’s voice that it’s a recurring shock to realize it’s actually written in 3rd person.

      I just read Never Let Me Go and the narration was also that detached/emotional tone and I agree it was interesting.

    12. goddessoftransitory*

      Lolita for sure. Humbert’s book-length flight from what he knows is true is unique in literature.

    13. goddessoftransitory*

      And to answer the question: As She Climbed Across the Table, by Johnathan Lethem. The whole premise could fit the question–it’s about a man losing his lover to a science experiment, to put it loosely–but in particular the author’s description of experiencing moving through the world as a blind person–his descriptions of how utterly alien distance and sounds seem to him when he’s using them to navigate (as opposed to his eyes) is astounding.

    14. Not that Leia*

      Margo’s Got Money Troubles—one of Alison’s recs a few weeks ago. Really interesting switches between third and first person AND an extremely compelling character.

      1. Lemonwhirl*

        Yes! I was coming here to say exactly this.

        Margot studied English and she talks a lot about fiction and whether it’s all just lies. She also switches to third person when she wants a little distance from herself.

        It’s an amazing book – in my top 3 for the year.

    15. Wren*

      If you liked Lolita, Pale Fire is another Nabokov I’d recommend with very interesting narration. I don’t want to say any more because I don’t want to spoil anything.

      I’m currently reading Thr Shining, and that has the child narrator thing you mention, with Danny describing his visions of very adult, often very terrifying things that he doesn’t understand.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I loved Pale Fire! I’d shied away from Nabokov after Lolita, but was delighted to find that Pale Fire is hilarious – with some dark bits, yes, but still extremely funny.

      2. MozartBookNerd*

        Thirded about Pale Fire for sure! Wow, what a book. Challenging but agreed it’s hilarious and it sticks with me these many years later

        Further on Nabokov and unreliability of a narrator, I’d add Despair. And Despair is probably an easier read than Pale Fire.

        Have fun. How cool.

    16. Skynet*

      Donna Andrews You’ve Got Murder has an AI as the detective. (This is from before ChatGPT; the AI was trained on murder mysteries.)

      In Micaiah Johnson’s duology, in The Space Between Worlds the narrator believes the emperor to be a monster; in Those Beyond the Wall the narrator believes the emperor to be a noble hero. It made for an interesting dichotomy. (Both books are very good.)

    17. RedinSC*

      The Dog Stars by Heller,

      The narrator is a guy living in a post apocalyptic world, and the narration is one of the interesting things. I might have this backwards, but when he’s thinking things, and describing what he’s thinking about, etc it’s all normal conversation, etc. When he’s talking outloud to the few people around him it’s stilted, small sentences, like he’s forgotten how to talk.

      This is one of the best books I’ve ever read, but the narration I thought was one of the things that made it so amazing.

    18. Cookies For Breakfast*

      1) Then We Came To The End by Joshua Ferris. It’s told in first person plural, which I don’t think I’ve seen anywhere else aside from flash fiction. I read it in my early 20s and in translation, it’s the book that started my deep fascination with office-based novels.

      2) When Mystical Creatures Attack! by . A multi-POV book focused on a teacher suffering a breakdown, and the teens she engages with. It mixes short stories with formats like letters and school assignments, and reads a bit like a collection of connected short pieces, but it also really works as a unit. I loved the quirky, oddball voices and the humour (many, many mental health trigger warnings though).

      3) Everyone In This Room Will Someday Be Dead by Emily Austin. I’ve never seen a character with intrusive thoughts represented so well in fiction, the protagonist felt so real she could have been a live person. Despite the opening crisis, it’s funny and hopeful, which is a small miracle given some of the themes. The author hints the song Funeral by Phoebe Bridges inspired her, and yep, that tracks (I found the song because of the book, big fan though it makes me cry every time).

      4) I’m Sorry You Feel That Way by Rebecca Wait. Despite a lot of flashbacks, it’s all present tense narration and I was in awe of how well it works. I mentioned this book to my therapist (in a conversation that touched on my own writing), and she said what I’m picking up on is the perception that past events that marked us are still constantly happening to us now. I love that all characters are treated with empathy even though they often treat each other badly, and the mother-daughter generational trauma depiction is spot on.

    19. Part time lab tech*

      The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime by Mark Haddon and The Good Sister by Sally Hepworth are written from the point of view of an autistic first person, unfolding a bit like a whodunnit.

    20. LBD*

      I think that an unreliable narrator would be one who is feeding you incorrect information, whether because they have assumed that they know something better than they do, or because they have forgotten, or been gas lit, or have some psychological disfunction. This can create a gripping story with a lot of tension.
      I think that “The Wicked Sister” by Karen Dionne has an unreliable narrator. I would recommend it, although it is rather dark, and not a comfortable read!

    21. Helvetica*

      A really chilly book in that regard is definitely “We Need To Talk About Kevin”. The content itself is already emotionaly difficult to get to but how the plot is revealed through the mother’s words is brutal and in many ways, could be seen as an unreliable narrator, though she does not lie or misdirect the reader.
      Doris Lessing’s “The Fifth Child” has similar themes of motherhood and the pain associated with some experiences and I remember the narration really bringing it together.
      And to go with the classics, “The Yellow Wallpaper” with the ominous circumstances growing and creeping on the reader is definitely down to the narration being as unsettling as it is.

    22. BlueJay*

      Rachel’s Holiday by Marian Keyes! (Spoilers follow).

      Rachel’s family are very concerned about her drinking and drug use because they are a bit square and don’t get it… but gradually she starts to understand their perspective a little better. It’s all from her POV and her interior growth is amazing to watch.

      1. Overthinking It*

        Marion Keyes has books about each of the Walsh sisters. I can’t remember the name of the last one – it might be “Is Anybody Out There,” but I’m not sure – is fits with the “unreliable” narrator as I recall, but anything by Marion Keyes is good. “The Brightest Star in the Sky” and “The Other Side of the Story”

    23. Irish Teacher.*

      The Member of the Wedding by Carson McCullers is sort of the child narrator one. The girl is 12 and there is one point where she dresses up to look older and this “crazy man” thinks she is 16 or 18 and talks to her in a way that makes her think he’s drunk. He’s actually flirting with her. He’s probably around 20, but she says nothing to indicate his age since he’s just a grown up to her and she has no idea what his innuendoes mean. She just thinks it’s cool this grown man wants to hang out with her.

      Pnin is another Nabokov that has a very interesting narrator. It’s a long time since I read it and I didn’t enjoy it much, but then I didn’t enjoy Lolita much either so that might be that Nabokov just isn’t for me. But as I remember, it seems like it’s a third person narrator for much of the book, then it turns out that one of the characters is narrating, a character who was mentioned in 3rd person and as having certain biases, so that turns the whole thing on its head. If the narrator is somebody who explicitly wasn’t there for parts of the book and who is the best friend of X, can we trust their descriptions at all. But then…if we ignore everything they say, we are also ignoring that they are the best friend of X, so…

      Toni Morrison’s Love has a similar thing where you don’t find out the narrator until the end, although it is obvious somebody is narrating because there are mentions of stuff like “when I first met Y,” but there is something very interesting about the narrator that I can’t give away.

      We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves by Karen Joy Fowler is also really interesting. The book is sort of about memory and is told non-chronologically as if the narrator is talking to you. The main storyline is hard to explain because it’s about the disappearance of her sister when she was 5, but this isn’t exactly a disappearance. I mean, the parents know what happened to the sister and there is no real mystery about it; it’s more that the narrator is telling it as it felt to her and to a 5 year old who came home from staying with her grandparents and found her sister no longer living with the family, it felt like a disappearance and the narrator takes a long time to explain what really happens, saying she wanted you to see it as it felt to her.

      There’s also points when she retells things, saying “now that you know X, does Y look any different to you.”

      Oh, The Moth Diaries by Rachel Klein is a complete mystery. The book is written as a diary of a teenager and the prologue is the narrator now as an adult talking about how she had a complete mental breakdown as a teenager and her psychiatrist at the time wants to publish the diary as a sort of case study and she is rereading it before deciding whether or not to agree. So the reader is left wondering whether to believe the teenager’s impression that the events happened as said, which includes some rather supernatural elements or the adult’s assumption that they were signs of mental illness. The book can be read either way.

      1. word nerd*

        Ooh, your mention of Toni Morrison reminded of her only short story, Recitatif. It’s told from the perspectives of two women, one Black and one White, but you don’t know which is which. Wonderfully crafted short story.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Oh, this reminds me! The book A Head Full of Ghosts has a similar premise where you aren’t sure if supernatural elements are in play or not–it’s basically asking the question “how much do you actually know about demonic possession vs. you saw The Exorcist?”

    24. Grad School Attempt 2*

      Ooh I love this question! Piranesi by Susanna Clarke is told by a narrator who is… I would call him epistemically compromised, if that makes any sense. He believes he’s thinking logically and scientifically, but he’s not quite, and you get you watch him be this weird combination of completely rational about some things, while completely failing to explore lines of thought that are obvious to the reader. (It’s beautifully written and is probably the best book I’ve read this year.)

      1. word nerd*

        Piranesi is sooo good. So atmospheric and I got totally drawn into the world. Highly recommend in audiobook form too.

      2. GoryDetails*

        Well put! I adored Piranesi, and part of the pleasure was in trying to work out what had really happened via our narrator’s off-kilter viewpoint.

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        Oh, that reminds me of a book where the narrator is an Egyptologist on a dig, and he’s writing to his patron and patron’s daughter, who is his fiancee’. You slowly learn through the letters that–nobody is doing too well, especially the writer, who is slowly revealing his mental imbalances to the point where you start to question what he’s doing, or if he’s even where he says he is.

        1. GoryDetails*

          Oh, yes – The Egyptologist by Arthur Phillips! I *love* that one (though it does get pretty dark). The growing difference between what our narrator is telling us (and himself) and the truth (as we glean it) is impressive.

    25. HannahS*

      Room is a good one. It’s narrated by the son of a woman who was kidnapped and is held hostage; he is also a hostage but doesn’t know it.

      1. Irish Teacher.*

        Oh yes! I hadn’t thought of that one. Narrated by a 5 year old who has only known life in one room and whose mother has lied to him about a lot of things because she doesn’t want him to know what he is missing out on or there’s also stuff she just didn’t explain properly because she was only 19ish when she was captured so she doesn’t know herself.

    26. Prawo Jazdy*

      “84 Charing Cross Road” – a collection of a series of letters spanning many years, between a New York author / book lover, and a British bookstore owner.

      1. Overthinking It*

        I love this book, but wouldn’t say it really fits the request. unless you would say that any epitolary novel fits because the person “narrating” doesn’t know the end of the story yet. “Diary” novels work the same way, and I live both types. “Joanna’s Husband and David’s Wife”is especially good because it not only gives 2 perspectives on the same events, but Joanna’s is in “real time” (her diaries over the course of her 20 year marriage) and David’s (his response as he reads them) is looking back.

    28. GoryDetails*

      Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone by Benjamin Stevenson was rather fun; the narrator chats directly with the reader quite often, claiming to be perfectly honest while still managing to describe events in a way that turns out to be misleading (and yet is, indeed, perfectly honest!).

      Then there’s Diary of a Nobody by the Grossmiths, in the form of a diary kept by a well-intentioned but delightfully clueless fellow as he attempts some social climbing.

    29. CityMouse*

      The Collector by John Fowles is definitely one. I read this one for class in college and we talked about narrators and perspective a lot. This is a disturbing book, it’s about a man who kidnaps a woman and you get chapters both from his perspective and from her perspective.

    30. Feeling Feline*

      Dead Letter by Caite Dolan-Leach. You figure out the mystery very quickly, but really the book is about the narrator coming out of her own denial about what the readers knew all along.

      The Last House on Needless Street by Catriona Ward. Saying anything about it is a spoiler.

      Seven Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle is basically a mystery narrative video game in paper form.

      Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone by Benjamin Stevenson is essentially a failed mystery writer who wanted to narrate his own circumstances in form of classic mystery. It is a murder mystery, but one that reads like if TVTropes wrote a mystery.

      The Appeal by Janice Hallett, recommended to me by people here. While the plot itself is weak, the strength really comes through the method of storytelling.

    31. Gronk*

      Great question! I immediately thought of Soldier of the Mist by Gene Wolfe which has stayed with me for about twenty years. the narrator in it is a Roman soldier with amnesia who can’t make new memories so he’s constantly describing the same characters but differently each time and you have to concentrate really hard to figure out what’s going on.

      honestly, as a perhaps lazy reader, this was a frustrating read. But so unique, and interesting and unforgettable to me!

      1. carcinization*

        Gene Wolfe is definitely into unreliable narrators! Peace is another good example of this from him.

    32. Nervous Nellie*

      Great question! The one that comes to mind for me is The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver. A missionary family lives in Belgian Congo (now Zaire), and each chapter is in a different family member’s voice. The children’s perspectives were remarkable. They were just kids who had been uprooted more than once for the father’s ambitions, and were just trying to enjoy their young lives wherever they were planted. The story is a strong commentary on imperialism and the missionary practice, but it’s also a very human story of family members expressing their different impressions of shared experiences.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Ohhh, that’s a good one! I especially loved the daughter who is just a “typical teen” and is trying to process her circumstances through seemingly superficial means, like focusing on her Janzen swimsuit.

    33. karstmama*

      it’s quite old, but for unusual narration my mind goes to ‘fried green tomatoes at the whistle stop cafe’, because you have to read the chapter headers to know when in the story this bit is. some of it is common narrative, some is newspaper clippings, some past, some present day (late 80s, i think), and it’s a great story. if you’ve seen the movie, they did a good job with it but of course the book is better.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Somebody mentioned Dracula last week, and it does this kind of thing as well! Stoker builds the story through newspaper clippings and diaries of seemingly disparate events coming together for the characters.

    34. The golden typewriter*

      Don’t know if anyone’s answered, but an unreliable narrator is any story where the narrator tells a different story than what actually happened. There’s lots of reasons, like
      * the narrator is lying to you ( the narrator is trying to make you believe something)
      * The narrator does not have all the facts (maybe the narrator was told something happened, but it didn’t)
      * The narrator is telling a story, not necessarily a true one (to cope with suicide, the narrator makes up a story)
      * The narrator is not mentally sound (a book from the perspective of a gaslighting victim)
      * The narrator is remembering something wrong (the narrator remembers an attack on her family, even though it never happened)

    35. Pam Adams*

      Murderbot, in Martha Wells’ series by that name, is a great narrator- partly due to his calm affect when narrating the most exciting things.

      The audiobook narrator delivers this perfectly.

      1. Pippa K*

        Your use of ‘his’ here reminds me of something: when we each read the first Murderbot book, I internalised Murderbot as ‘she’ and my husband internalised Murderbot as ‘he.’ We realised this when talking about the book and actually had to go back and check – I was sure ‘she’ pronouns had been used somewhere, and he was equally sure ‘he’ pronouns were there. And of course, Wells has written Murderbot completely without gender, so this is entirely about us as readers, and how people attribute gender even when it’s not there. I find this interesting and it’s made me reflect on how I see gender more broadly.

        1. word nerd*

          The audiobook narrator is male, so I do hear a male voice because of that (the audiobooks are so familiar I use them to fall asleep at night). I think other characters in the book have referred to Murderbot as “it,” though, so that’s my default too when talking about Murderbot.

    36. Scholarly Publisher*

      Ann Leckie’s The Raven Tower. The present-day sections of the book are mostly told from a second person POV, which makes complete sense once the reader knows what’s going on. The narrator is reliable in the sense that everything they say is true — but they’re not saying everything.

      1. Ali*

        Oo, I love Ann Leckie but I haven’t read this yet!

        Her book “Ancillary Justice” is not unreliable narration, but the narrator is coming to terms with a disrupted balance of her sense of individuality vs. her sense of being part of a collective and it’s WONDERFUL.

    37. Spacewoman Spiff*

      I think one of Nabokov’s other novels (ok, actually, a lot of his work fits the bill, but I’m going with my favorite!) is Ada, or Ardor. As the reader, you’re reading both the story and the act of writing the story, because there are editorial notes from the two main characters incorporated into the work. It’s been about a decade since I’ve read it, and I’m due for a reread…you can see the layers of time and memory in shaping the story, unlike any other novel I’ve read.

    38. NB*

      The Sound and the Fury, by William Faulkner. It’s basically the same story told by four different unreliable narrators. I read this book more than 25 years ago, and I can’t remember if I liked it or not. But I do remember thinking that Faulkner was very clever in the way he told the story. It is a difficult book to read and understand, but I might try it again someday.

    39. Peanut Person*

      One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest!

      I love the narration there because of how dang clever it is. Because the staff and residents think Chief Bromden is deaf/mute, he is assigned cleaning and allowed to be present during staff meetings. This allows almost an omniscient narrator regarding some plot points, but all of it is still filtered through a character. Plus there are small interjections where I wonder how much of his perception is unreliable. the book is far better than the movie because of this narration.

    40. Cardboard Marmalade*

      I don’t know if this will be exactly what you mean, but I think Elizabeth von Arnim plays with narration in ways I really enjoy. The Caravaners is one of my favorite books of all time, just so bitingly funny in large part because it’s told from the POV of an incredibly unreliable narrator. In what I think is a more famous book of hers, The Enchanted April, there aren’t really any interesting tricks besides just a very chatty/voice-y kind of omniscient narrator that (I think) greatly adds to the overall charm of the book.

    41. carcinization*

      My husband and I were talking about this subject and agreeing with many of the recommendations, and he brought up one I hadn’t thought of, which was Zelazny’s A Night in the Lonesome October. Narrated by a fairly extraordinary dog, but gives time to a very interesting cat as well.

    42. Hyaline*

      Fire in the Blood by Irene Nemirovsky is my absolute favorite unreliable narrator because he never actually lies or even says something untrue—there’s just a framing shift that absolutely punched me in the gut.

    43. Mrs. Frisby*

      I love this question because I love both interesting narrative structures and unreliable narrators.

      I think The Passion of Dolssa by Julie Berry would fit this bill— a friar is piecing together a story about a woman, Dolssa, far after the events from several accounts. One I unexpectedly loved when I read it.

      If you’d be willing to try a middle grade novel, The Probability of Everything by Sarah Everett really blew me away when I read it.

      Also I adored Hard-Boiled Wonderland at the End of the World by Haruki Murakami. It’s told in alternating chapters about two very different seeming stories, but I loved the way they ended up coming together at the end—so satisfying!

    44. Overthinking It*

      I don’t know if you would think so, but most things by Rumor Godden, especially “In This House of Brede” has frequent flash-forwards with different characters giving there perspective time of the events, looking back.

    45. EllenD*

      Kate Atkinson – a British author – is what I call an unreliable narrator in several of her books, including Behind the Scenes at the Museum where the narrator is a child and teenager, who finds out information that changes the interpretation of events earlier in the novel. You have to work a bit harder to understand the story.

    46. Anono-me*

      One thing that I have enjoyed is reading two autobiographies with very different views about the same thing.

      For example “The White Maasi” and “A White Woman Among the Massi”. The first was an autobiography by a woman from one of the Nordic Countries (or Germany) who married a Maasi man and tried to live a traditional Massi life. The second is from a 1920s British upper class woman who lived on an estate in Africa in an area with lots of Maasi people.

      I can’t remember the titles, but a second example is two different autobiographies by people involved with a motorcycle group. One is from a FBI agent who went undercover to investigate and another is by someone in the their leadership.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        May not be the one youre thinking of but Riding with Evil by Ken Croke is a memoir of his experience as an ATF agent infiltrating the Pagan motorcycle gang. highly recommend

    48. Bike Walk Barb*

      Oh, what a delightful question!

      The Girl with All the Gifts by M.R. Carey immediately came to mind. I haven’t watched the movie because the book was so good and I don’t want to spoil it by disagreeing with the casting.

      Seanan McGuire writing as Mira Grant has a zombie trilogy, Newsflesh, that has a narrator twist you won’t see unless you read the entire trilogy. Her murderous mermaid duology, Rolling in the Deep and Into the Drowning Deep, plays with whether or not scenes captured on film were real or staged.

    49. Bike Walk Barb*

      Our Wives Under the Sea by Julia Armfield is haunting. It has a structure that bounces back and forth between a married couple, one a researcher experiencing something happening in an extended deep-sea dive, the other her wife coping with the absence and then the researcher coming back…different. No spoilers.

      The Ogress and the Orphans, a delightful YA fantasy that has the ogress’s viewpoint alternating with the orphans and the view others in the town have of both and of their suspiciously too-charismatic mayor.

      Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt, narrated by an octopus.

      The Boys, by Katie Hafner, has a narrative twist you won’t see coming. Super unreliable narrator.

      And one I’m struggling to remember the title of (which is ironic given the plot): A woman on an island where people are experiencing sea level rise discovers that when people die they’re forgotten by everyone until they read something about the person that has been written by a famous writer who’s a reclusive resident of the island and hasn’t written since his big big hit decades before (or something like that). For some reason she’s able to remember the people who died and works to bring their memory back to the other residents once she figures out how to do it. She’s there because her husband or boyfriend dies and she’s dealing with her own sorrows. At the same time they’re slowly losing contact with the outside world.

      The Book of M, by Peng Shepherd, involves memory loss.

      Ogres, by Adrian Tchaikovsky, for a science fiction/fantasy one with a twist.

    50. Books are everything*

      The Last House on Needless Street by Catriona Ward. I read it 3 years ago and recently thought about it and I think the narration approach is complex enough it deserves a second read. To state it at a high level, the cat narrator…

    51. amoeba*

      I know I’m late, but if you liked The Remains of the Day, other books by Kazuo Ishiguro have similarly unreliable narrators – Never let me go comes to my mind!

    52. Quinalla*

      Dracula by Bram Stoker is the example I always think of for unreliable narrator.

      As I Lay Dying by Faulkner is very interesting on the narration as it flips between different characters around a single event giving very interesting perspectives and also has some stream of consciousness writing that I think really works.

  6. Venus*

    How does your garden grow?

    It has been a surprisingly good year for me! My beans tend to struggle but right now they’re like a waterfall of flowers and little beans (they don’t set beans in high heat so I get some in early summer and September if I’m lucky). My pumpkin plant got powdery mildew but I got some pumpkins that did well despite it. Great weather this year and I enjoyed it!

    1. Kyrielle*

      This year I skipped gardening, except for the perennial berries (which produced ridiculously) and I’m missing it sorely. I’m plotting tomatoes and lettuce and lemon cucumbers for next year already.

      1. Venus*

        I did very little a couple years ago and missed it too! But it was easy for me to get back to it, because I just had to remember to plant some seeds at the right time this year.

    2. BlueWolf*

      It’s been a rough summer. It started out HOT and we’ve been in a drought most of the summer. It did start raining finally in the last few weeks so some things have perked up, but my tomatoes look sad. The basil has been doing pretty good the last few weeks, so we have had a couple rounds of pesto, which is nice.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      Our houseplants–Rapunzel, Son-Punzel, and Charlotte–are thriving! We brought them to work while we went through our housing upheaval and they really flourished with all the natural light, so now we have them on Husband’s desk near the windows and they’re just putting out new leaves like nobody’s business!

      1. Heathrica*

        This is the first year in which we have hardly any apples because of late frosts in the spring. Lots of berries, though, and I recently planted a lot of lavender because it does well on dry soil, and it’s looking beautiful.

      2. Venus*

        Gardening really is about finding the right sunlight and amount of water – many people think they are good or bad, when often they don’t have the right window. Glad that you found yours!

    4. RedinSC*

      Not so good. I switched a few years ago to corrugated metal containers, and my garden has never thrived in them. :(

      AND, I thought I bought a Sweet 100 tomato plant, but I got something with the beautiful black tomatoes, but I have no idea when they’re ripe, so it’s been hit and miss.

      1. Sailor Susie*

        haha, same here! Only I ordered seeds of pepino dulce (Solanum muricatum, no English name) and for the second year in a row they sent me eggplant.

      2. MissB*

        On the black tomato, it’s usually when the bottom starts turning color. I’m growing various purples/black tomatoes this year and they get the dark shoulders but until they get some color underneath, they won’t be anywhere close to ripe.

        I tend to pick my tomatoes when they first blush, so that I don’t have to worry about squirrels sampling them. I just put the tomatoes on the counter to finish ripening.

        1. RedinSC*

          Oh, OK, I’ll check some tomorrow and see if they’re turning colors.

          The squirrels have left these alone, so far.

    5. Six Feldspar*

      My garden apparently loves growing radishes. I threw a few packets of them into the lawn in autumn as a cover crop and to try to smother the grass, and they’re taking over. The ground is now lumpy with radishes and the tops are knee high.

      In related news if anyone has recipes for radishes I’d love to hear them…

      2. RedinSC*

        I really love those spicy radishes that you get at some Mexican restaurants. They’re essentially pickles, so you could jar up tons of them and give them as holiday gifts, if you give holiday gifts to people.

      3. BlueWolf*

        I’ve used them as a replacement for potatoes in a low carb beef stew. They’re good roasted too, or even in a stir fry. Cooking mellows out the flavor, and they kind of just absorb the flavor of whatever you cook them in.

      4. Sailor Susie*

        haha, same here! Only I ordered seeds of pepino dulce (Solanum muricatum, no English name) and for the second year in a row they sent me eggplant.

      5. Chauncy Gardener*

        Thinly slice the radishes and place on buttered cocktail rye bread. It’s surprisingly delicious!

    6. Frieda*

      The okra (first time I’ve planted it!) is looking great, some of the tomatoes look good and others got beaten up by hail and then heat, the kale and chard are chugging along, the cucumbers are extremely plentiful, and the zucchini may be slowly coming to a close. Peppers are looking good, some of the basil is still going strong.

      The roses are really doing their thing and the black-eyed Susans also look great. Lots of the rest of the flowers are kind of sprawling everywhere and look spent. The previous homeowner planted some white alliums that I think were intended to be a food crop but holy cats they are *everywhere* despite my diligence in reining them in. (They also planted mint in the ground, so take from that what you will.)

      I put in a lot of native pollinator plants this year and some are thriving and some fell prey to the rabbits but I’m hoping that the big pollinator bed I put in looks good next year.

      In April I’m just waiting waiting to plant but by August I’m a little tired of the upkeep so there’s more disarray than there should be.

      1. GoryDetails*

        My okra is also doing very well. I love how beautiful the blossoms are! (And I like okra, so it all works {grin}.)

    7. Chauncy Gardener*

      My cucumbers were growing and producing like crazy until about four weeks ago, now they’re all dead. What’s up with that? I planted more, since we’re supposed to have a long hot fall, but the seedlings died at about two inches high.
      Hmmm!
      But everything else looks pretty good!

      1. GoryDetails*

        The seedlings dying at a couple of inches high sounds like damping-off – might need to change out the soil.

        As for the mature cucumber plants dying, could be squash vine borers – or perhaps the variety is a determinate one, such that the plants bear fruit all in one go and then die?

      2. Venus*

        Did the leaves go brown or white or… ?
        My pumpkin leaves went white before dying, and it’s powdery mildew. Thankfully they waited until the pumpkins were very orange late in the season.

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          The leaves and stems turned brown and kicked the bucket. I’ve been googling and it appears that sometimes they just get done (so, determinate?) and die a quick death. I didn’t realize that cucumbers could be determinate or indeterminate, so that’s super helpful information. Thank you!
          It wasn’t powdery mildew, thank goodness.
          I guess I’ll plant some peas to replace them since the nights are pretty cool now.

    9. The golden typewriter*

      My garden’s dead
      It’s all so sad
      forgot to water days in a row

      But my aloe Vera plant survived the scourge and two of my strawberries made it! One put out a runner!

    10. Spacewoman Spiff*

      This has been my first summer with a garden, and I planted late, a completely random assortment of flowers from the hardware stores. And they’re going wild! Absolutely thriving, I love looking out and seeing the bees. I also did tomatoes and herbs in containers (the soil in my neighborhood is heavily lead tainted almost everywhere, so while I plan to test to confirm this, I’ll probably never be able to put them right in the ground) and they’ve mostly done awful. Got hit with a month long heat wave and the tomatoes were just hanging on, then blight, now they’ve got some tomatoes finally coming but I’m not getting too excited given the past three months. I’m really excited to be able to plan this more next year, and start from seed so I have more flower options! I’m thinking some sunflowers. I want a little urban oasis in my yard, and I’m also planning to do some stuff out front, but that’ll wait till I’ve redone my sidewalk.

      1. HoundMom*

        I only have raised beds/potted vegetables, plus a Garden Stalk (someone on this site recommended it and it is very cool) as we have too much wildlife in the yard to have anything survive. For the first time I bought a planned summer garden from the organic farm where we do a crop share. The difference in plant health and number of eatable vegetables is huge.

    11. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I just had the (dis)pleasure of finding out what “evergreen bagworms” are after trying to identify the caterpillar that was dragging it’s chrysalis across my porch…
      Turns out that all the things I thought were a chrysalis are actually little houses these things build around themselves out of the leaves of the tree they’re on, so nothing notices/eats them while they defoliate the tree. My poor arborvitaes are looking so sad, I’d guess about 1/4 of the greenery has been eaten but we didn’t notice because it was so spread out. I spent the entire afternoon snipping hundreds these “bags” off my two trees (the silk is too strong to break by pulling on it).
      I’m hoping that I caught it in time, and the trees will recover from the damage. We’ve been finding a few more “bags” to pull off every day, but knock on wood, we might have the infestation under control.
      I’m going to look for spray treatments we can use in the Fall or Spring to prevent any existing eggs from hatching. I’m concerned about hurting other native bugs though. This is the first time in YEARS we have fireflies and praying mantises (and also the most mosquitos ever).

      1. Venus*

        I believe fireflies like water, so you’re probably seeing more of them this year because you’re seeing more mosquitos. I haven’t seen fireflies in years until last year and this one, and I’ve heard it’s because of the weather.

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          Fireflies like tall grass, from what I’ve heard. I really only see lots of them around the places we don’t mow at all.

    12. Meh*

      Got 3 sugar baby watermelon (with 2-3 more possibly coming) ! Was a first time experiment at the behest of my small humans. Everything else struggled – the hot july messed with the plants flowering so tomatoes, peppers and cucumbers struggled.

      Haven’t gotten hang of raised bed gardening yet.

    13. MissB*

      Really good so far!

      We redid our backyard this spring- like had the yard reshaped and a bunch of soil removed, so I was a bit late in getting the garden in as all of the raised beds had to be moved back into the garden and filled. We installed two arches as well. Oh, and we had irrigation run to all of the raised beds.

      But… with the exception of one basil plant, all of my plants in my 11 raised beds are ones I started from seed.

      My absolutely fav is zucchino rampicante, which I grew on one the arches. I’m letting it grow as winter squash, and have already decided it’ll be banned to the back fence next year. It has huge leaves and prolific growth; absolutely amazing long fruit (squash). But it’s overtaken the arch entirely.

      Of course I’m already thinking to next year’s garden. I tried to put too much on each arch, and while the tomatoes look great on one arch, it isn’t especially prolific and it’s blocking my cucumbers from being productive. Same with my other arch. Next year I’m only putting cukes on those arches.

    14. Clisby*

      I skipped vegetable gardening this year, but I did adopt two little bog babies – a Venus flytrap and a pitcher plant. They’ve both been flourishing here (Charleston, SC); probably not surprising since both plants are native to this area. I have them outside, and they live on rainwater and whatever bugs are lured to their death. Seems to work.

  7. Stuff*

    I just bought a plane ticket to South Korea! I’m traveling alone, flying into and out of Seoul Inchon Airport, and I have 8 1/2 days between November 23 to December 1st. Can anyone recommend history and cultural museums or historical sites, or other history nerd stuff, especially some more obscure stuff I may not know about? I also love trains, any train nerd related stuff? Or just general travel tips for an American who can’t speak any Korean?

    1. AcademiaNut*

      Seoul has a kimchi museum, which is small but very well done. If I remember correctly, it was in a mall across the street from a temple complex. I enjoyed the Gyeongbokgung Palace tour – they provide guided tours in English, then we wandered around on our own – and had fun getting dinner at the night market.

      I’ve been to Korea twice, once for work and once on vacation, and found both Seoul and Daejeon fine for wandering around on my own, although Daejeon is not so much of a tourist destination. I do recommend downloading the Korean language pack for Google translate in advance; you need that for voice translation and using the camera on text.

    2. Angstrom*

      -Do try to learn the basic tourist politeness words: Thank you, please, hello, etc.
      -Museums: The National Museum of Korean Contemporary history was fascinating — showing how they went from an peasant agrarian economy to a world manufacturing power in a few decades. The War Memorial of Korea — a military museum — was fascinating for me as a military history enthusiast. The National Museum of Korea is enormous.
      -There’s a street food — Bungeoppang -that’s essentially waffle batter cooked in fish-shaped molds, often with a sweet bean paste filling. A paper bag full of these hot off the grill is a great treat on a chilly day.
      -The subway system is clean, safe, and easy to use.
      -The Korean Hangul writing system was developed by a 15th-century king to aid literacy. He thought Chinese charaters were too complicated. Koreans were printing with moveable metal type before Gutenberg.

      1. Evvy*

        Add on to this — Seoul actually has a National Hangeul Museum which is right next to the bigger National Museum! It has a bunch of beautiful exhibits about the history/development of the writing system and how it’s been used over time. It’s my favorite museum in Seoul and definitely worth checking out if you’re already going to the National Museum

      2. Deuce of Gears*

        For context: Korean used to be jankily written in Classical Chinese, although the two languages are completely unrelated (likely language isolate vs. Sino-Tibetan family). (Korean is agglutinating like whoa, with traces of vowel harmony – cf. Türkçe / Turikish – and the standard dialect does not have a pitch accent or stress accent, let alone tones, although an older form of the language had pitch accent that apparently remains in some dialects. There used to be phonemic vowel length but it’s on its way out, etc.)

        In a perfect display of Joseon Dynasty sexism, the yangban (literati/nobles/aristocrats) response to the invention nof Hangeul was “But it’s so easy EVEN A WOMAN COULD LEARN IT.”

        1. allathian*

          Interesting to learn about the agglutination and vowel harmony, Finnish features both! (I grew up bilingual with a Finnish-speaking mom and a Swedish-speaking dad.)

      3. Jasmine*

        I was fascinated to read that the scholars appointed by the king to develop a written form of Korean wanted to make it complicated, which would exclude common people. However the king said NO to this idea because he wanted all to be able to read and write the language!

    3. Oink*

      Google map is not a thing there. Download Naver Map instead. If it automatically downloads in Korean you can change to English settings.

      I recommend downloading KakaoMetro for the subway map, also available in English. All announcements and signs are in Korean and English.

      It will be pretty cold around that time so pack warm gear.

    4. Lala*

      i went while I was in college, so I am sure my information is outdated, but
      I had to have a pin to use my credit card as a credit card (which I wasn’t anticipating) and
      shopping in malls was considered only if you wanted to waste money (the clothes were way too small for me, but I was able to buy a beautiful jacket for a much smaller sibling and not in a mall).
      I could very well be misremembering this, but I think you had to be able to show id/ticket on the subway if a police officer asked
      the food available from street vendors was delicious, but I seem to remember not eating on the street. I did not like the pizza though.
      the train was a great and fast way to travel between two cities

      it has been more than twenty years, so you know memory fades, grain of salt, things change, etc. now I wish I could go back.

    5. BellaStella*

      If you venture south Jeju Island is great but Busan that week is hosting international negotiations so a very full city so would avoid if possible. Seoul has a few good museums and walks and loads of good food!

    6. Deuce of Gears*

      I’m Korean-American and spent half my childhood there, and was there a couple years ago, so semi-recently. :)

      Incheon is a completely separate city to Seoul! (Think: General MacArthur’s Incheon Landing during the hot phase of the Korean War.) It’s the primary international airport though, and it’s only about an hour to Seoul – you can very easily take the train. (The older Gimpo Airport is the one in Seoul and is international on a technicality although IIRC it only serves China and Japan. Also notably once listed as one of the world’s five WORST airports, lol.) There are buses to various locations from Incheon, which cost less but would be much trickier for a non-Korean-speaker to figure out.

      Seconded on politeness words – you will also go far if you get in the habit of bowing to people (other adults). If you’re visibly foreign, people won’t expect you to have mastered all the nuances; in the cities people will give you points for making the effort. :) ALSO. If you are invited indoors to visit someone, take your shoes off. Traditional-style restaurants will also have a place by the door to leave your shoes. And it will indeed be quite cold; same latitude as New York state, prepare accordingly. That said, the street food is IMO amazing, and that time of year will usually include everything from roasted chestnuts to various spicy dishes to hotteok (pancakes stuffed with semi-melted brown sugar, jujubes, and pine nuts). (Note that if you are vegetarian/vegan or have other special dietary requirements, you will have a hard time outside Seoul and/or major cities and you should specifically look into places that accommodate foreigners; don’t assume a random Korean restaurant, especially one serving traditional food, will know what to do about this. People will be baffled and/or not comprehend that no, a bit of shrimp paste makes it not vegetarian, etc. Your average Korean will never even have heard of things like kosher either. Signed, that one time a family member brought an American significant other who was vegan to visit.)

      I have never seen anyone ask for ID on a subway but maybe that’s changed since I lived there? The subways are indeed safe. In Seoul proper, they have labels and announce stops in Korean, English, Japanese, and some flavor of Mandarin Chinese (not sure whether it’s traditional or simplified, I don’t speak/reaad Chinese). There’s high-speed rail that will cross the entire country in under 3 hours, which can also be fun!

      You could have fun Googling “Korean national treasure” – S Korea has a system wherein not just artifacts and sites but *people* can be designated national treasures for cultural importance. Wikipedia has a list, if you want a crib sheet of cultural/historical things!

      Gyeongbokgung (Palace) is a park now, with gorgeous architecture that might be interesting. Across the street they rent hanbok to tourists and you get free entry if you wear one to the park. Note that a lot of the traditional-style architecture got, well, bombed to heck and gone during the hot phase of the Korean War so what’s left most places is a lot of rectangular prism brutalism. Also for traditional architecture, I recommend Namdaemun, the old South Gate to the city. (Now smack in downtown, lol.) It’s smack next to Namdaemun Market, which can be fun.

      If you like bookstores, the big one is Kyobo Bookstore (교보문고 / Kyobo Mungo) in Gwanghwamun. There are other locations, but that one has a notable statue of King Sejong, who invented the Korean alphabet. I find that Kyobo also tends to carry English-language books on Korean history that are a PITA to source outside of S Korea, ask me how I know.

      If you’re curious about the alphabet, the Hunminjeongeum (훈민정음) was King Sejong’s document introducing it. An original copy is IIRC on display at Gansong Art Museum in Seoul. That said, any given museum for historical documents/art even in places like my mom’s home in the boonies will randomly have 1,000-year old silk calligraphy scrolls in its collection, it’s wild.

      Seconded: National Museum of Korea. They will almost certainly have some dang Silla antler crown on display. I think the going theory is that this indicates a general anthropological/archaeological relationship to steppes peoples with shaman-ish crowns from when our precursors rode down into the peninsula and couldn’t find our way out. XD Likely also to have bunches of celadon (pottery) and so on.

      Cheonmachong (Heavenly Horse Tomb) is in Gyeongju (to the south), if you like archaeological sites; it dates back to the Silla Dynasty (earlier than Joseon, which was the last one before the Japanese occupation). Gyeongju also has Cheomseongdae, the oldest East Asian astronomical observatory, which is IMO also the world’s shortest, squattest observatory, but everything down to the number of stones has some kind of astronomical significance (e.g. it’s made of 362 blocks for the days of the lunar year).

      Korean Folk Village is in Yongin, if you want to see reenactments of folk rituals, historical costume, traditional-style landscaping, etc.

      You might enjoy visiting a Buddhist temple or two in a tourist way. (The ones open for this kind of thing typically take donations.) I don’t have specific recs here since I can’t remember which one I was dragged to as a resentful small child, but the architecture is pretty.

      Have fun! :D

    7. New Fed*

      you can book a tour to the DMZ which is a remarkable place historically and today.

      I read a book called the Two Koreas which really helped me understand the international context before I moved there.

      1. Kathy (Not Marian) the Librarian*

        That tour was amazing! Did you know that all military personnel are required to go on the tour sometime during their stay in Korea?

    8. Lissajous*

      My dad found a fantastic book in an English-language bookshop in Seoul, that had all these places you could go and see parts of the historic cities that came before Seoul’s
      Things like, “if you go to the top of Hyundai department building and look out the windows near X restaurant, you can see a park with long linear mounds at the edges. These used to be the walls of a previous city.”
      The most likely looking result I can find for that book is “Seoul: a field guide to history,” by Han’guk Munhwa Yusan Tapsahoe.
      If you can get that book or something like it, absolutely do, it was fabulous.

      Also, I learnt the Hangul script before I went – for cafés and the like a lot of the coffee etc drinks are based on the English names – so even though I don’t speak Korean I could figure those out. Also helpful for place names etc.
      (Still pronounce it with the Korean pronunciation when ordering though!)

      1. Business traveler*

        Yeah I’d say it’s not that hard to learn Hangul and you’d have enough time before your trip. Duolingo did good enough for me.

    9. karstmama*

      my bff taught english there about 15 years ago and i went to visit. the things i liked best were visiting the tripitaka koreana at haeinsa temple, which are buddhist scriptures carved on wooden printing blocks. i bought a replica of one as a keychain and use it as a christmas tree ornament. the other was hahoe village, which is a world heritage site that has traditional buildings and is a bit like williamsburg or old salem, like history come to life.

      i also had a hanbok made for me. the shop took measurements and bff mailed it to me when it was done.

    10. Fluff*

      I spent 9 days in and near Seoul and loved it. As a visitor (and hopefully returning) a few one day options nearby:

      1. The Palace. Rent a Hanbok Like Deuce recommended. It is traditional wear and like stepping into history. You learn a lot and feel beautiful while doing it.

      2. If food allergies are not a concern, try and eat at a local stand in a market. They have stands which are shaped like a square. The cook is in the middle like a bartender and we sit around the 4 sides with other hungry folks. They literally cook your food right then and there. I had the most delish fresh squid there and some stuff I had no idea what it was. Was Yummmmy. Get good at chop sticks.

      2a. Walk around the mall (Hundai Center? Not sure of the name). I enjoyed walking around and reading all their menus for US stuff (“eggs in hell” and “we meet for meat” were some examples). The Hundai Center bottom floor is another foodie gem. Fast food, other food, fish,chocolate galore – so many flavors of KitKats, etc. Their version of soft serve ice cream is exquisite.

      3. You can be in the middle of a modern town or city and around the corner is a centuries old Buddhist temple. Highly recommend a visit and tea. Warning, you may quietly enjoy your time there and half the day will be gone.

      4. The Buchon Hanock area (homes). You can take a self guided tour. For US folks, it is vital to be quiet as families live here and we are walking amongst their houses and lives. The US way of speaking softly is loud there.

      5. Depending on how brave and adult oriented you are, Seoul has two funky original museums: the Eye Trick Museum and the Love Museum. You almost step into illusions with the Eye Trick Museum. With your phone, you can add interactive illusions too. This one is great for all ages and I have never seen anything like it. The Love Museum would be X rated in the USA and yes, it is the l.o.v.e museum. Everyone was very well behaved and giggled at the exhibits. If you go, the house / village sculpture is fun.

      6. Thoughts on the DMZ.
      When you fly, the plane will do a few turns to get around North Korea to land. I almost had a panic attack (images of being a kid behind the wall in Germany bubbled up). It can be a strange feeling the first time. I thought it would be easy peasey to go on a DMZ trip until I actually was in South Korea and presented with the option. I did not go because I would cry and cry and cry. Consider your brain and feelings. It may be very different when you are physically there than when you are planning.

      Have a great trip. Off to find some Kimchi.

  8. Sunset’s Light*

    Does anyone here have personal experience themselves or with someone they know personally who does van life? Where you live in a modified van and drive around the country?

    I follow a few van life TikToks so I do know about the lifestyle. My sister has announced that she’s bought a van and is going to give it a shot. My sister (who I wrote about on two June 2024 weekend threads), is recently back in the States after living in another country for 6 years with her boyfriend. She broke up with him and our parents didn’t take it well but things came to light about my sister (stealing a credit card from our parents, lying to stay in the other country, and other things), so no one is completely clean. She’s made some really bad financial choices (gave her ex money to buy a house cuz she couldn’t purchase in the other country and she now has no legal claim to it, has never had a full time job and is spending her inheritance money to live on). But she says that she can fix up her van herself in just a couple weeks (she has no technical knowledge), can make money off of van life social media and podcasting (I know those both take a long time to turn an actual profit, if ever), and she’ll remotely get a double degree in therapy counseling and law (she struggled to finish college and her grad degree with our parents constantly reminding her to finish assignments and study for exams).

    I’m not trying to be negative and I’m not hoping my sister will fail, but my whole family and I think she’s making a terrible choice. My parents don’t understand van life but I do and I still don’t think it’s right for her. She hates to do chores so I can’t see her dumping her own portable septic tank every day or keeping her tiny van clean. My biggest worry is that Most van life people I see have full time remote jobs to finance themselves; my sister does not have a job and has never held a full-time job so I think seeking out a remote job with a very scattered resume will not go well. Our parents are angry and scared that she’s choosing this, to the point that my dad wants to hide a tracking device in her van so they’ll know where she is, because she’s terrible at charging or answering her phone.

    I can’t deny that alongside my worry for her choosing this life is some envy too; I love the idea of van life and traveling all over but my anxiety would not be able to sustain not having a guaranteed safe space each night, plus I’d miss being away from friends and family that long. But I am genuinely worried about my sister making this choice.

    Sorry if this is scattered; I got all this info revealed very suddenly at my brother’s wedding where my dad and sister were constantly snipping at each other (my dad saying she’s making a terrible choice and my sister saying our parents won’t support her). Any thoughts about van life would be appreciated.

    1. Aphrodite*

      I have none about van life but I wanted to say how sorry I am for the pain you and your parents are feeling. I saw my sister and parents play out the same roles for decades and it never changed. My dad especially felt that all she needed to do was attend AA and things would be fine but he never understood she made the choices she wanted. And is still doing so. After my parents died she took the money she inherited and went on a massive spending spree. No one knows how long it lasted (it was during Covid) because once they died and she got her share she cut her siblings completely off. Is she alive or dead? No one knows and no one is curious enough to find out.

      You just gotta let it go, hard as it is.

      1. Sunset’s Light*

        I’m sorry you’ve been through this too. Definitely see this being a similar path for my sister and our parents. Our parents are decently wealthy that even with the current inheritance/savings account they have set up for us kids (each of us has our own account; so far my brother and I have only taken money out to buy a car, where my sister has gone through $120,000 in a little over a year between the house in another country she has no claim to and now her van), we will get a sizable inheritance when they pass away. During one of the late evenings where my sister was out at a wedding after party, and my father was venting to me as I drove him back to our rental house, he has said that my brother and I will get our inheritance outright to do with what we will, but our sister’s money will be put into a trust fund with a manager who has the authority to refuse her requests. This is a huge step for him to put such restrictions like this on her. I think he sees it as the only way he can still safely leave her money without her blowing it on saying he doesn’t think our good investments.

        I had to fly home immediately after the wedding and left our parents and my sister in the rental house for the rest of this week. Some of the tension they’ve had bubbling up between them, they agreed to put on hold until after the wedding so not to ruin things for our brother. And the one hand, I would love to know what is going on in the house now that it is just them and the very sticky topic at hand. On the other hand, I am glad to not be there at least when they are probably all blowing up at each other.

        1. Aphrodite*

          Several of us, including their attorney, suggested a trust for her to my parents but my dad rejected that idea outright. He didn’t want her to be treated differently, as though she was worthy of less trust and consideration then us. And though I disagreed with him and tried to encourage him to seriously consider it, it was a no go.

          Now, several years later after my mom passed on and the money has long since been disbursed , I find I agree with my dad’s decision. Sure, she has run through the money and is back to living on welfare and in section 8 housing. But she had the freedom to make her own choices, and I think it is important not to try to take over and control outhers’ choices, however bad they are. You can reach out, talk, give them options but controls after you are gone don’t say “I love you” but “I WILL control you.”
          to ensure her not wasting it while causing her deep resentment towards her siblings or giving her the same fair treatment and letting her waste it because that is her own choice.

          1. Ellis Bell*

            I see so many people making this mistake about trust; trust is not a decision, it’s an instinct.

        2. Observer*

          On the other hand, I am glad to not be there at least when they are probably all blowing up at each other.

          Oh my! Yes, indeed. I’m glad for you that you are out of there.

      2. Double A*

        I mean. Her plans sound delusional. They are unrealistic and grandiose. At the same time, someone with unrealistic and grandiose plans is usually the hardest type of person to try to talk out of anything.

        The kinds of things your family is dealing with sound similar to what families of addicts deal with. I don’t know if there are addiction issues at play, or what mental health issues are happening either. But your sister doesn’t need to be an addict or have, say, a diagnosis of borderline personality for you to find resources aimed at families of people with those illnesses helpful.

    2. Jay*

      I don’t have any myself, but my parents have one of those small vans.
      They are a surprising amount of work, surprisingly fragile, and surprisingly expensive to own and operate.
      She will also NEED some kind of internet/wifi device with her because, unless you are independently very well off, it takes time, prep work, and planning to get from place to place without spending a small fortune every time you want to stop anyplace other than a Walmart parking lot. Plus, even fuel efficient ones guzzle gas.
      You should also give Steve Leto a look/listen. He is a lawyer with a YouTube show and he has done a number of episodes on R/V’s and vans. There are a whole range of scams, issues and legal oddities that make owning one right now a potential nightmare.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I don’t have insight about van life but… IS this a choice? Does she have other housing options right now? As you said the “van life” thing is a lifestyle choice made by otherwise stable people – this sounds more like she’s facing homelessness and trying to make it sound better.

      1. Sunset’s Light*

        She does have housing options but she doesn’t like them. Myself and my brother can’t offer her housing because she has an emotional support dog that we can’t house for various reasons. Our parents will take her back in but they’ve said there will be very strict guidelines, like getting a full time job. She stayed at their house for two months around the holidays (an issue with getting her emotional support dog back to the other country that she didn’t bother to fix, our dad did it for her to get her out of the house). My sister said she doesn’t want to live with roommates (I live with a roomie at 35 to save money so I kinda want to tell her to suck it up but that’s not my place). So she does have options, including using what’s left of her savings/inheritance money to buy a house in the states, which she does have enough to do. But van life is what she’s decided on and no discussion will sway her (I did try gently to talk her out if it).

        1. Annie*

          Oof. Best you can do here is state your opinion on the matter (already done) then let her find out the hard truth for herself.

        2. Paint N Drip*

          It seems like your options are watch her do this thing or be denied privilege of a relationship. It also seems like this sister van dream won’t go well and in a bit of time, you’ll have another sister problem – the other commenter who said your experience is similar to families of addicts is correct, and as long as you’re willing to try to help (which, I totally get. I’d be the worst enabler to an addict) she can still F up her life and come back to R&R in the arms of your family and thus will never stop F-ing up her life until she changes inside.
          :( crappy situation, sorry friend

    4. RagingADHD*

      My neighbors do van-vacation rather than van life, and it is a surprisingly expensive and time-consuming hobby.

      Does your sister have access to mental health support? If so, is she using it? Might she consider it as a way to process what sounds like a really rough breakup?

      She seems to be really into escapism right now, and the biggest problem I foresee with van life is not money or safety, but the fact that she will inevitably bring all her problems with her. And in a small van, alone, she will have to deal with them because there’s nowhere else to escape to.

      Now, maybe that’s what she’s craving. But in general, it’s usually better to deal with things when you have support.

      1. Sunset’s Light*

        She definitely has some mental health issues. At the very least, she’s diagnosed with major ADHD and is not reliable about taking her meds. There may be more she’s not been officially diagnosed with; she has self diagnosed herself with childhood PTSD and a few other things. She was working with a therapist/counselor in the other country where she was living in, but no longer has access to them. I don’t know if she’s seeking therapy now that she’s back in the USA. I also don’t know what her actual health insurance is at the moment; she’s too old to still be on our health insurance I think, and she certainly doesn’t have it connected with a job, and she never filled out COBRA. When I last talked to her, she did sound interested in finding a new counselor in the states, but due to previous issues where her manipulative ex gave our parents her former counselor’s contact information and she felt she couldn’t trust her therapist anymore because our parents were in contact with the counselor, I am hesitant to get anywhere involved in, helping her find counselor, for that she won’t trust them again. And feel comfortable, walking her through signing up for cobra because I’ve done that in the past, so maybe I could offer her that at least. Thanks for your post helping me think that up.

        1. Ellis Bell*

          Does she have a way to back out of this plan if it’s not for her? I agree with the assessments that van life is not for the faint hearted and it’s likely to be a disaster, but I think it’s probably more fruitful to let her try it and see for herself, than to berate her into stubbornness. The thing with ADHD is that doing things the way other people do is less fruitful and you have to experiment with unconventional paths to make the chaos monkey in your head work for you. Putting yourself in situations with high stress can be pretty motivating, and I can see why a challenge would attract her. Even if the planning aspect ends up being too much for her and even if there’s a lot of magical thinking going on, she may still learn something about herself even if she abandons the plan eventually. Is there any chance to try it out without her feeling like a failure if it’s not actually the life for her? I think discussing the idea as possibly successful, but that she may still choose to abandon van life if she dislikes it, would generate better emergency plans and a better exit strategy. If people are telling her she’s stupid to even try, then that kills the discussion completely dead and also the chance to plan for abandoning the ship. Stuff like a second emergency phone, plans for medical emergencies no matter where she is, ways you could find her if something happened to her – all these things could be discussed without actually getting in the way of her right to make risky choices. If anything, I might even express admiration at her trying something so challenging (and use this to express subtly that it won’t be an easy option) and that she is okay with risking failure, but temper that admiration by saying it’s only smart so long as she does so with contingency plans.

          1. RagingADHD*

            This is very insightful. It’s like when kids climb trees or do acrobatics – don’t tell them not to, help them plan their way back down or a safe bailout.

        2. TF*

          I don’t know a whole lot about cobra, but isn’t that ridiculously expensive? it might be better to wait and help her sign up during ACA open enrollment coming up, or maybe medicaid?

        3. Observer*

          she felt she couldn’t trust her therapist anymore because our parents were in contact with the counselor,

          One thing to point out to her is that in the US, no *licensed* counselor will ever do that without her explicit consent, because it’s illegal and could cause them to lose their license.

          And feel comfortable, walking her through signing up for cobra because I’ve done that in the past, so maybe I could offer her that at least.

          COBRA is not going to be of any use to her – that’s only for continuing health insurance from a job for up to 18 months after you leave that job. What she need to be looking for is either Medicaid, or and Health insurance exchange in whatever state her current legal residence is in.

    5. Maggie*

      I would guess it will stop as soon as she realizes fixing up the van isn’t easy, and even then, if she did go, it sounds like it will likely be unsuccessful and she’ll stop relatively soon. The only person I know that’s done something like this quit quickly because it involved actual work and money, and they had neither a work ethic or money. I doubt it’ll even happen?

      1. Sunset’s Light*

        This is my guess. If she does fix up the van, which she said the garage she’s storing it at his mechanics who will step into help her I guess, I don’t think she’ll last more than a couple months on the road. She did a road trip once after college with a friend of hers, where they drove in a regular car and just slept in the car. So I know she can handle the lifestyle at least a little bit, but I do think it’s different in that she’ll be on her own this time without a friend, and will have to handle everything herself. She much more prefers to get others to solve her issues, like showing up on the USA dependent on our parents to drive her around to get her license and car insurance but she couldn’t get either because she doesn’t have a local address. Our parents are leaving the state where the wedding and the van are, and my sister has been staying with them so I have no idea where she’ll go once they leave.

    6. ThatGirl*

      In my opinion the question is not really about van life. You probably can’t reason your sister out of this. We can’t really stop our loved ones from doing dumb or irrational things. But she will probably self-select out after a few months if she even makes it that far.

      1. BellaStella*

        Agree here. I have two friends who do this in Europe and also work part time in software so have decent incomes. I am not sure in the USA but national and state parks have camping spots for fees as do KOAs. Parking overnight in a lot of places can be safe but sounds like your sister is not a big planner or focused on details like this. Pretty sure this too will fizzle out unless she commits to a lot of mental health care via zoom chats while travelling. Further the costs of fuel, insurance, maintenance can be high which also seem something she does not care about with the funding from parents? Would you be willing to just step back and not engage with her and this for a while?

    7. Ellen Ripley*

      You said she only got her degrees because your parents helped remind her to study and do assignments. First of all, you know it’s actually doing the assignments and tests that is the hard part, reminding someone is easy. Second of all, you said she did grad school in another country so were your parents actually helping?

      You said she was struggling with mental health issues, left a long time relationship and her home, and that her family relationship is not good (with your parents actually kind of siding with the boyfriend and suggesting she was mentally unable to determine what was right for her/her relationship to the point where she cut contact with them for awhile). Maybe the impulse to do the van life thing for awhile is a way to get some space from your family?

      You seem to think her not having a job is a moral failing, but is it? She was given money to use as she pleases, and she is. You can’t buy time, so why not enjoy herself now while she’s young and free to travel, then get a job when she has to? I would love to have that option and there is nothing wrong with choosing it.

      Yes she is making choices different than yours, but these posts from you sound a bit like sour grapes. This is only my opinion, I don’t know you or your family. But while you say you’re “looking for advice about van life” the three super long posts you’ve made airing your disproval of your sister’s choices seems to point to something else going on. Are you in therapy? It may help to have a neutral third party that isn’t your parents to help work through this.

      1. Sunset’s Light*

        I totally get her wanting space from our parents. She’s gone brief periods of no contact with them and asked them to respect her request for space over the past few months. She told me one reason she’s doing this is to have some alone time and rebuild her confidence being on her own. I totally understand and support all of that; I just am worried about her making this drastic of a choice. And I don’t deny her finishing her degree is her own hard work and smarts. A family friend told me that my father told her that my sister is the smartest of all us three kids. My frustration stems from the fact that she both wants her independence, but still wants our parents to do everything for her. Like she still relied on our parents to plan her travel to get to our brother’s wedding and then got annoyed with them that they wouldn’t drive an hour each way to the airport the day of the wedding to pick up her friend (who was filling in as her plus one her ex was not using), forcing her friend to spend $100 on an Uber, while also being mad they wouldn’t drive her dog 40 minutes away to a dog sitter she planned the morning of the wedding (despite me reminding her multiple times three days prior to set up a dog sitter). My sister is book smart but she is not real world smart and she doesn’t plan things well because she’s used to our parents being her safety net, which she’s now lashing out at them for not being supportive while still wanting them to do everything for her.

        She’s free to spend her money any way she wants but I’m really alarmed she’s spent over $120K in a little over a year. She has a tendency to get hyper focused on a project/activity and throw everything into it. I totally get it because I am the same way. But where my hyper focus just generates a couple hundred dollars in craft supplies, she buys thousands of dollars on aerial yoga equipment or a high end stone level garden, all for the house she can no longer live in.

        I can feel a lot of different things on one subject. For all of this with my sister, I feel worry, envy, frustration, anger, and more. And yes, I am seeking a counselor for myself for this and various other reasons in my life. It has helped to write this out on the Internet for people who don’t know the people involved, and I welcome all points of view, even yours, which seemed a bit on the harsh side, but I do appreciate someone challenging my thoughts on the matter.

        1. allathian*

          This sounds incredibly tough, I’m so sorry. It’s hard to watch someone you love struggling like your sister is. At least from here, it looks like she’s actually struggling, it’s not just a matter of her making a different lifestyle choice than you or your parents would prefer. Given that she’s a legally competent adult, there’s little you can do about it, though.

          My family lived in a small apartment (about 600 sq ft) when my sister and I were teenagers. Two teenagers and two adults in an one-bedroom apartment, where my sister and I shared the bedroom and our parents slept in the living room meant that as soon as it became possible, my sister and I moved out. I was 19 and she was 17 at the time. But it took me a long time, 8 years, to graduate from college with a 4-year degree, and I’m sure my parents despaired of me at times (I went to college in my parents’ hometown and stayed here afterwards). Things never got truly bad, though, because there was little risk of me becoming unhoused.

          For about two years, I was in a bad relationship that I was too inexperienced to get out of in time, and it left me with a depression that severely cut into my motivation for my studies. At the same time, I was in a food service job that I initially enjoyed but started hating more and more over time. The vast majority of the customers were lovely or at least neutral, but we had the occasional unpleasant drunk to deal with, I had to call security more than once and a few times they called the cops to take the drunks away in handcuffs.

          But I did finally get all my ducks in a row. I dumped my boyfriend and found a different retail job that was much more pleasant because no drunks or druggies. Both things helped my mental health immensely, as did the mental health counselor I saw. Seeing the counselor helped me realize that I needed to leave my boyfriend and quit the job because both were making me miserable.

    8. LBD*

      A family member has done van life a couple of times. Two separate van conversions, with some other living arrangements in between. He has a background/training in mechanics and other skills such as woodworking. It took months to get the vans to the place where they were viable as living space, and both had some work done already. He also had access to a garage, tools and another family member with similar skills.
      He sold the first van to someone who wanted to do van life and got a reasonable price.
      The more recent van conversion has some really high end finishing, but at the same time, heating and shower facilities are not as functional as he would like. The miniature wood stove is too hot, and it is easier to shower in a building with permanent plumbing. He has found places to stay that offer shower facilities and space to do things that you really can’t do in a van, such as yoga.
      He hasn’t done a lot of traveling in it, due to the cost of fuel, and ferry fares for that class of vehicle. Also, while staying in one place for any length of time, he found it more practical to have a second vehicle to drive around in.
      If your sister is looking for an easy short cut to cheap living, she hasn’t found it. Easy, quick, cheap, pick two. It is hard to say how soon she would figure it out, but it sounds like she won’t be able to see that until she finds out on her own.

    9. Cordelia*

      I have a friend who has been living in her van for a couple of years now. We are from the UK but she is mostly travelling around Europe. She loves it. But – she has downsized following a successful career, and continues to do remote consulting work in her niche field of expertise that brings in money and allows her to work anywhere. She sold her house in the UK so has back-up savings. Her van is quite high end and very well kitted out. She is emotionally stable and self-sufficient person who enjoys her own company but is able to make social connections wherever she goes. She uses her brother’s address as her permanent address in the UK and stays with him when she is back here; a permanent address is important for all sorts of reasons. She has various friends (like me!) who have the money to travel, and can come out and visit her in whichever European destination she is in.
      It doesn’t sound like your sister has any of those things, so I think “van life” for her would be very difficult I’m afraid.

    10. Irish Teacher.*

      I know nothing about van life beyond what was shown recently in an Irish soap opera and…I’m not assuming that is accurate, but in general, it doesn’t sound like your sister is making very good choices. If it was just the van life thing, I’d say, “well, I’m not in a position to judge, though you know her a lot better than I do,” but the idea of getting a degree in both counselling and law while podcasting about van life…well, those are three very different career directions and it just sounds like she doesn’t really know what she wants.

      Also unless it is very different in your country, a law degree is very intense and full on. I find it hard to believe somebody could do that along with another degree while building another career and living a life that has limited facilities and probably requires a lot of effort to make it work. Maybe if the person was very academically inclined and committed to their studies, but your sister doesn’t sound like that kind of person.

      But it doesn’t really sound like there is much you can do about it. It doesn’t sound like she is very open to advice and everybody telling her she’s making bad choices is likely to just make her double-down. It might be possible to raise a few questions, like “what will you do if the van breaks down?” or “yikes, I’d find the double degree really difficult. How much study time do you think you’ll need?” but if she insists it will work, I’d be inclined to back off.

      Sometimes you just have to let people make their own mistakes, though I have no doubt this is worrying for you and your parents.

    11. small town*

      I have met a couple of folks doing van life. One couple, one single woman with dog. I live just off the Blue Ridge Parkway/Skyline Drive. Neither was attempting to monetize it. They all had remote jobs and the van life was an adventure. They indicated that it is pretty labor intensive to do that lifestyle and you need a variety of mechanical skills to make it work.
      On the bright side the woman helped fix a garage door in exchange for laundry facilities, shower for her and bath for the dog, and some fresh produce.
      Looked like it can be done but requires a great deal of forethought and planning. I hope it works out but it sounds as though your reservations are well founded.

    12. Generic Name*

      I have some experience with a family member making grandiose, unrealistic plans. In this case it involved walking away from a well-paying and stable job, a period of unemployment, and then asking a bank for a business loan to start a video game arcade/cafe/bar/art gallery (??? The details of what exactly changed 2 or 3 times) business. Unsurprisingly the bank said no thank you and the relative eventually got a job in their field after taking a couple early withdrawals from their retirement. There were mental health issues at play, obviously. As for your sister, I know how painful it can be to watch a loved one make bad choices. But you can’t control another adult. She is allowed to make her own choices, even if they are objectively terrible ones. I think it’s likely that none of these ideas of hers will pan out. If listening to your parents rant about your sister’s bad choices stresses/upset you, you are not obligated to be their sounding board for all of eternity.

    13. Dancing Otter*

      Side note regarding health care and insurance, specifically —
      You mentioned COBRA, but also that Sister never held a full-time job. I don’t see how she would qualify for COBRA, unless she *just* came off your parents’ insurance. Do you mean ACA insurance? The ACA exchanges are mostly linked to specific states. Not having a permanent address would cause difficulties with that, I should think.

      My parents tried the wandering life with a travel trailer after my father retired and sold the house. They had pensions, Medicare, and supplemental insurance as part of his retirement package. The trailer was a big step up from a DIY van conversion, too. It did not work out terribly well, even so. Telehealth, even if it had been more available then, cannot entirely replace in-person care with a regular provider.

      I certainly wish your sister the best of luck, but I think she needs a contingency plan (exit strategy). Your best approach is probably to seem supportive while asking, “What do you plan about X? And what will you do if Y?”

      1. Ali + Nino*

        Thank you for mentioning this! I was starting to think I had missed something but based on the info provided, COBRA doesn’t seem to be relevant here.

    14. Butterfly*

      I don’t think the issue here is van life or no van life…it’s that your sister – based on the few tidbits of info you’ve shared here – does not make good decisions, and this will unfortunately play out regardless of what life choices she makes. I don’t have a solution to this, unfortunately. You can’t control other people. The most actionable advice I have for *you* is think hard about what you are willing to do/not willing to do for your sister vs what boundaries you want to set.

      Van life is a very personal lifestyle decision that may/may not work for certain people because it depends on what that individual person likes or doesn’t like. Personally, I don’t think it’s for me. I like stability and comfort too much, but I’ve heard of other people who really enjoy it. But whatever lifestyle decision you make, you have to think things through and plan things out carefully re: how you going to financially support yourself? Feed yourself? Ensure safety and protection?

      1. 1LFTW*

        it’s that your sister – based on the few tidbits of info you’ve shared here – does not make good decisions, and this will unfortunately play out regardless of what life choices she makes.

        This is a super important point!

        On the one hand, I totally get why OP is viscerally reacting to this, because van life seems like an especially bad choice, to the point of being unsafe. On the other… well, like you say, their sister makes bad choices, full stop. When #VanLife fizzles out, possibly before it even begins, she’ll move on to the next poor choice.

        It sucks. I have a sibling who makes poor decisions. Not all of those decisions are 100% my sibling’s fault, for a much of reasons I can’t get into here, but they’re still my sibling’s choices. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel sad, angry, and worried about them.

        The only thing I can do is detach, and I do that by maintaining boundaries regarding the assistance I’m willing and able to provide. My family has done this as well, and we’re pretty good at setting our own boundaries when we need to stop venting and talk about something else. That part is also incredibly important.

        Good luck OP, this shit is really hard.

    15. Angstrom*

      Van life…My impression is that people love to post about waking up to a beautiful sunrise in a beautiful place with their attractively rumpled partner. you don’t see as many posts about waking up alone in a Wal-Mart parking lot with rain coming down and more in the forecast.

      The folks I know who enjoy a nomadic lifestyle are older couples who make friends easily and seem to have a friend network all over the country. They also have the resources to check into a hotel for a couple of days or get a rental whenever they tire of the road.

      As other folks said, you need to be organized and fairly self-sufficient. You can’t drive away from your troubles. They’ll always catch up to you.

    16. Peanut Person*

      There’s some reddit pages that discuss more nitty-gritty and people’s questions for ongoing support. From what I’ve gathered perusing there, van life isn’t as simple as people make it out to be. They have to be constantly vigilant about where to park. Most of full-time van-life influencers are PAYING for camping rights somewhere at least part of the time. Any urban car living will be dealing with nightmares of where they can park. Even public places and street parking won’t allow someone to sleep there overnight. (A lot of stories where people are parking at the end of a public street, only to have the cops tell them no.)

      I know this comment isn’t comprehensive, but I saw that no one added this aspect yet.

    17. Isabel Archer*

      Just reading this was exhausting. Detach, detach, detach. Sister is an adult, and neither you nor your parents are responsible for her.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        100%, this is the only answer you need.

        Question for you and your parents: What if you just let her…fail?

    18. Cardboard Marmalade*

      It’s very clear you love your sister, but I’ll be honest, reading between the lines it sounds to me like she is experiencing you and your parents as being over-involved in her life and choices. Please put all your energy into convincing your father not to put a tracker in her vehicle without her knowledge, and then let her be, and at most tell her, “I think you’re bananas, but I hope you have a great time.”

      1. Sunset’s Light*

        Yeah, I’ve been super concerned about our dad placing the tracker device without her knowledge. He seems confident that she doesn’t know enough about the interior of cars that he can hide it in the engine compartment and she’d never know, but I’m sure mechanic would discover it at some point. It would completely destroy their relationship if she found out about it. If I get a chance to talk to him again before everything gets settled with the van, I’m thinking of suggesting he just is honest about it and emphasize it’s for her safety, maybe even make it a requirement for him to help her with the van (he knows a lot about cars so he’s the go-to car guy in our family, and I know she was counting on him to help her get her van off to a good start).

    19. Observer*

      But I am genuinely worried about my sister making this choice.

      It does sound like your sister is making a really bad choice. But I can’t help feeling like she’s not the only one making bad choices here.

      Our parents are angry and scared that she’s choosing this, to the point that my dad wants to hide a tracking device in her van so they’ll know where she is, because she’s terrible at charging or answering her phone.

      If this is actually a serious consideration, rather than you father venting, he’s clearly not thinking things through. What are they going to do with their constant knowledge of where she is? Or rather where her van is?

      I haven’t read the responses yet, so I’m sure that there are a lot of comments about how much of a boundary over-step this is. But it doesn’t sound like your parents have a really healthy sense of boundaries and I doubt that anything you mention is going to change that in short order. But just as a practical matter, there is no way it’s going to work.

      my dad saying she’s making a terrible choice and my sister saying our parents won’t support her

      One of the things that makes this so much harder here is that it sounds like both of them are right. Because from what you say, she *is* making a terrible choice. But also, a lot of your parents’ reaction seems more about her not doing the “expected” thing, rather than a solid understanding of why this is actually a bad idea for her. Combine this with the history that you’ve mentioned, and their current reaction, and yeah…. Essentially they are right, but for the wrong reasons.

      I think that there are three things you need to do for your own sanity.

      One is to back off from trying to find out more about van life, etc. It’s not like anything you find out is going to help. Your sister is not going to listen to anything you say anyway. And pretty much anything you find out will range from unhelpful to actively worrisome. Which might be a price worth paying *if you could do something with it*. But, you can’t.

      The other thing is to just get out from between your sister and your parents. I really do sympathize with them. But they are NOT handling the situation well, and it sounds like they aren’t going to be listening to you either.

      Lastly, find your own information support group who can help you a bit with this. It’s good have someone you can occasionally vent to, or express worries to, and you parents are not that. Also, I don’t recall if you have a therapist, but if you do this is a great issue to discuss with the.

      My sympathies. This stuff is NOT easy. But I hope that you can let go at least of what seems like a sense of responsibility in this situation.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I agree with point two especially. LW, it sounds like you’re triangulated between your parents and sister, both sides demanding you DO SOMETHING ABOUT situations, with no power to actually do anything.

        You need to step back; they’ve made it clear they want you to be a pack mule for their worries, but it’s not benefiting anyone, least of all you.

  9. Jackalope*

    What have you been reading? Share books, and give or request recs.

    I’ve been reading a couple of things, although I did more gaming this week. A few weeks ago I think I mentioned reading Nine Tailed by Jayci Lee. It was wonderful, and I loved it and can’t wait until the next book comes out. I learned that she has also written contemporary romances, so I decided to try one. Y’all, I’ve hated it so far. I won’t say it’s a bad book – she’s still really good at stringing words together and such. But it’s hitting all of the romance stereotypes and cliches that I personally dislike (I read romance novels on the regular, but it’s hit or miss; sometimes really awesome, sometimes doesn’t work for me at all). I would still recommend it to others who are into romance, but so not for me!

    2. Teapot Translator*

      I read Mrs Palfrey at the Claremont by Elizabeth Taylor.
      It made me want to read more quiet books where not much happens. Any recommendations?

      1. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

        Have you read the Miss Buncle books by DE Stevenson? The first is Miss Buncle’s Book, about a spinster who writes a book that is published under a pseudonym and the small town she lives in goes bonkers trying to figure out who wrote the book as it is all too obvious they are the inspiration for the book. There’s also two sequels, Miss Buncle Married and The Two Mrs Abbots. Very charming books with sly humor.

        I also liked Major Pettigrew’s Last Stand by Helen Simonson.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Tepper isn’t Going Out Today by Calvin Trillin, which is about alternate side of the street parking in NYC.

        1. Ali + Nino*

          I still think about his conversation with that woman who loves playing the lottery, and it cracks me up years later.

      3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I guess things do happen, but the stakes are usually very minor in E.F. Benson’s Lucia books. They’re a set of six books about English village life (with one book set in London) and Emmeline “Lucia” Lucas’s never-ending quest for total domination of village social life. Her gentleman bachelor best friend Georgie is her partner in crime (when they’re not feuding).

        I first read them a long time ago, and completely missed the LGBTQ+ signaling, but now that my gaydar is better, it’s clear that Georgie is meant to be gay (though partnerless, maybe ace?) and Lucia seems asexual. At one point, they decide to go in together on a marriage of convenience. I believe the author was a gay man who lived in a small English village during the 1920s, and it’s an interesting window into how one might navigate that situation socially.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Oh, there is also a clearly lesbian artist, Quaint (!) Irene, who has a huge crush on Lucia.

        2. Happily Retired*

          Oh, I LOVE the Lucia books! I discovered them via the Mapp and Lucia TV series in the 80’s on (US) public TV.

          Benson lived in the house that Lucia schemed to acquire. You can pull it up on Google Maps – Lamb House in Rye, although the Garden House was bombed in WWII. (I have this weird obsession about tracking locations in novels on Google Maps…)

          But anyway, a great series, well-accompanied by popcorn, full of cattiness and snark aimed with precision and accuracy at 1920’s-30’s middle class England and its virtuous snobbery. The summertime practice of trading houses for novelty and cost-savings is incredibly fun, especially when (of course), it stops working. Well worth a read; also worth watching the TV version with Geraldine McEwan as Lucia.

          1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            Thanks for the tips! I just went down the google rabbit hole, and it was very cool to see pictures of the house and gardens! : ) I liked the TV series too!

      5. Nervous Nellie*

        Yes! Diary of a Provincial Lady by E.M. Delafield. It sounds very proper, but is a hoot and very charming. It’s a fictional diary of a English homemaker in the 1930s. She is dryly humorous, complaining about neighbors who pop in unannounced and about houseplants that keep dying off. Read the first page or two and you will be hooked.

        When I was a kid in the 70s, our family doctor ‘prescribed’ this book for my Mum who was having a rough time – even wrote a prescription for the book that we kept in our family copy as a bookmark for years. It said, and I quote, “Rx – daily reading of Diary of a Provincial Lady. You will find it impossible not to smile as you read. It will lift your spirits. (unintelligible doc signature)” Since then, it has been proven that smiling can improve your brain chemistry, so our doc was on to something!

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          I have a copy including the sequels in which the provincial lady goes to America and deals with life during the Second World War, which are also very funny.

          1. Nervous Nellie*

            Oooh! I didn’t know there were sequels! Yippee! I am off to biblio.com to order them. Thank you SO much! I bet my Mum would have loved them. Will share them with my brothers and sister.

    3. Indigo64*

      I just finished Never Lie by Freida McFadden. I don’t read a lot of thrillers but I really enjoyed it

    5. Atheist Nun*

      I recently finished and highly recommend There There by Tommy Orange–wow. I have now requested Wandering Stars from my public library.

      1. Annie Edison*

        There There was so incredible. I recommend it every chance I get. Let me know what you think of Wandering Stars- I’ve been wanting to read it but am worried it won’t hold up to how much I loved his first book

        1. Atheist Nun*

          Thanks. Well, I am like #50 on the hold list, so it is going to be a while before I can get to Wandering Stars!

    6. Annie Edison*

      I read “Weather” by Jenny Offill this week. It’s about a millenial-aged woman in NYC working at a university library and as an assistant to a professor who studies global warming. It’s set very specifically in 2016, just before and after the election. The narration was interesting- it’s brief paragraphs that end up forming a cohesive narrative over time, but feel more like you’re reading a series of instagram captions or tweets rather than a traditional novel. I found the ending a little abrupt but really resonated with the narrator’s sense of anxiety about the world and the climate

      1. OaDC*

        I love her previous book, Dept of Speculation, so much. Similar style, maybe even briefer paragraphs, but more narrowly focused sources of anxiety.

    7. ThatGirl*

      I just rolled right through Zero Stars, Do Not Recommend which was an Alison pick the other week, and really enjoyed it.

    8. My Brain is Exploding*

      I picked up a bag of random books (I selected them, but basically on whims) at the library book sale. So I read Robin Roberts’ book Eight Rules to Live By. Didn’t care that much about the rules part but reading the bio parts were fascinating. We didn’t have cable TV for years, so I never saw her on ESPN, etc. Her job progression – and how she went after jobs – was also interesting.

    9. chocolate muffins*

      I am reading a memoir that Karen Armstrong wrote about her experience joining a convent. She wrote a separate book about leaving the convent after seven years and what her subsequent life was like, which I actually read first and then went back to read the “prequel.” They are both interesting books; her life is very different from mine in some ways and I am so curious about all the different ways there are to build a life. Plus I knew basically zero things about convents and nuns before reading this, and now I know a bit more (though just a bit – I recognize that people have all kinds of experiences with convents and religion in general and hers is just one).

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Thank you for reawakening my memories of reading Karen Armstrong. I think her first memoir is called “Through the Narrow Gate.” I found it some thirty (!!) years ago, bought it, and have reread it several times. Her struggle to stay grounded despite confusing circumstances–life in a Catholic convent–was somehow compelling reading to me as a young, married, Jewish woman. I think we were both trying to to stay balanced through difficult times. I recommend the book. It’s interesting simply as the narrative of “what happens next?” as she proceeds through the stages of becoming a nun.

        Karen Armstrong went on to have an interesting career. I would describe her as an independent theological scholar. She might not agree with that, in which case I would plead guilty to not being a theological scholar myself. I’m interested in religion as a source of community and cultural traditions. I’m less interested in probing the underlying beliefs. If this sounds confusing, well, I’m writing before breakfast!

        1. AGD*

          I know what you mean! Young Jewish woman here who absolutely loved Armstrong’s The Spiral Staircase.

    10. goddessoftransitory*

      Mess, by Barry Yourgrau. It’s a memoir of his cleaning up his apartment and confronting his hoarding tendencies and why he’s so invested in seemingly random things. Its voice is really unique and his attempts to see his clutter as an “art installation” is fascinating.

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      Between a Flock and a Hard Place, the new Donna Andrews bird mystery. Sleazy home renovation show meets flock of feral turkeys.

      It was delightful, as is the rest of the series.

    12. Cookies For Breakfast*

      The Snakehead by Patrick Radden Keefe. Excellent so far. Much like Empire of Pain, I’m having a hard time putting it down when it’s time to go do things (I saved it for a trip to visit my family on purpose, I won’t be doing much this coming week).

      1. Helvetica*

        If you’re done with that, may I also recommend “Say Nothing” by the same author, about The Troubles. It is fascinating and gripping, Raden Keefe being an excellent storyteller.

        1. Cookies For Breakfast*

          I have a copy of Say Nothing at home! I’m saving it for the next stretch of unbroken reading time (probably the Christmas holidays). I love his storytelling, I’ve also really enjoyed Rogues a couple of years ago.

    13. RedinSC*

      I got a Lucky Day find at my library and was able to get Emily Wilde’s encyclopaedia of faeries. I’d been on the waiting list for this for months, and had a few more months to go so I was excited to find it!

      Just finished it today and got myself on the wait list for the second book in the series.

    14. Six Feldspar*

      I ploughed through Rosewater by Tade Thompson in about 3 days this week, it’s scifi/clifi set in Nigeria.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I loved Rosewater, and the following two books in the series are very good and pull everything together. I am inclined to go back and reread Rosewater because I found the shifting timeframes a bit confusing, and I think knowing where things wound up I would get a lot out of a reread.

    15. GoryDetails*

      I’ve just started A Fatal Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum: Murder in Ancient Rome by Emma Southon, a history book with a nicely wry tone.

      Audiobook: Death in the Spires by KJ Charles, narrated by Tom Lawrence; it’s about a group of Oxford friends whose lives were shattered when one of them was murdered. Ten years later, one of them is desperate to find out who killed their friend – even though it seems clear that the murderer is one of their own…

    16. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Just finished Jesmyn Ward’s *The Men We Reaped*, a memoir about the author’s loss of five young Black men who were important in her life growing in rural Mississippi. It took a little while to warm up, but it got more and more compelling as it went on.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        And just started Tomi Obaro’s *Dele Weds Destiny* about three Nigerian college friends who are reunited in middle age for one’s daughter’s wedding in Lagos. I’m enjoying it.

    17. allx*

      I finished Middlemarch this week. It was my selection for “classic literature I haven’t read before” in my own personal 2024 book challenge. I loved this book; it is compelling and readable (once you get into the groove of the language) and frankly, quite modern. Eliot’s thoughts on marriage and love and becoming the person you are meant to be are as applicable today as in the 1870s. I underlined so many perfectly stated sentences. Absolutely genius. My thanks to the person(s) here who recommended it here in months passed.

      I also re-read Animal Farm one night this week to help a young teen relative with her English homework. I had forgotten much of that story.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I adore Middlemarch! Her nailing of all the bad/necessary reasons people married in her time could fit just as well today.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Me too! And I think that having read *Middlemarch* as a young-ish person helped keep me from rushing into bad decisions romantically. The first guy I dated was kind of a Casaubon, and while he broke up with me, that happened because I stood up for myself. I like to think the book helped me see that he wasn’t so great.

          1. word nerd*

            One of the reasons I enjoyed Middlemarch and the Imperfect Life by Pamela Erens is because she talks about how she got different things out of Middlemarch as she reread it at different points in her life.

    18. Nervous Nellie*

      One for me this week – The Crow Valley Karaoke Championships by Ali Bryan. It’s a Canadian novel about five small town residents competing at karaoke while the town is recovering from a forest fire and an inmate escapes from a nearby prison. It’s lively, funny in spots, and suspenseful. The author has won many awards, and I can see why. It’s much lighter than my usual fare, but is so enjoyable. I hope they don’t wreck it with a movie.

    19. Girasol*

      I may be the last person who never read Two Years Before the Mast. (If you haven’t, it’s the true narrative of a college boy in the 1830s whose eyesight is so damaged by measles that he can’t continue his studies. He decides on a fresh-air cure in the form of a two year stint as a novice sailor in the merchant marine.) I was delighted to see California as a barely-settled foreign land, mostly Mexico but part Russia, meet sailors from around the world, and spend two weeks looking up every third word and staring at labeled diagrams of sailing ships to try to figure out what he just said. I’ve never been a big fan of sailing stories and wouldn’t have picked this one if Libby had not handed it to me, but it really captured my interest.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Last but one, because I’ve never heard of it, but am intrigued. Thanks :)

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I’ve heard of it, but not read it. It sounds super cool!

    20. Elizabeth West*

      Skipping around through several books, but earlier this week, I was happy to see that someone to whom I recommended Tananarive Due’s The Reformatory enjoyed it greatly. (Speaking of, I signed up for a characters masterclass with her! It’s today! So excited!)

      I am also about to begin Gabino Iglesias’ latest, House of Bone and Rain — I’ll report back once I get going. :)

    21. Ali + Nino*

      I just tore through My Favorite Thing Is Monsters (Book 2) by Emil Ferris. Just released, the much-awaited sequel in her account of an adolescent girl whose neighbor, a Holocaust survivor, is found murdered (a whodunnit, and why). Book 1 goes into much more detail of the neighbors backstory, whereas Book 2 is more about what happens next in the main character’s life after the murder. I was only disappointed because it’s clear from the ending that this can’t be the final book in the series – the murder isn’t solved and if anything the story is taking a new turn. So, excellent, but now I’ll probably have to wait a few years for the next installment! Highly recommend.

      Then The Family Plot by Megan Collins. I would describe the premise as kinda weird and very far-fetched but definitely a page-turner. Fast read with an upsetting twist. Would still recommend, if you’re up for that.

      Now reading Forever on the Mountain by James M. Tabor, a history and analysis of a disastrous attempt to ascend Mt McKinley/Denali in Alaska in 1967.

  10. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing, and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    For various reasons I’ve been thinking about Fire Emblem Three Houses a lot lately, so I finally decided to play it again. To make it feel a little bit newer, I’m playing at a harder level than I’ve played before, and so far that’s going pretty well. I also decided not to use some of the advantages I had for NG+ (New Game +, which for those who aren’t familiar is when you play the same game again and get bonuses from your previous runs). I’m trying to avoid most of those, in fact. The one way I’m using it is to increase my stats in some of the skills that I find annoying to level up. Life is too short to spend time leveling skills that you find boring. Still, I’ve been having a lot of fun.

    Anyone else had recent experiences of returning to games that you previously liked a lot but had let fall to the wayside?

    1. Mostly Managing*

      Our family has a bookcase full of board games, and every so often one will become THE game to play.
      This month we seem to be playing King’s Cribbage almost every evening!
      (Think Cribbage meets Scrabble)

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        I wish we had enough people living here or within walking distance to play board games spontaneously. Planning a board game night is super difficult when everyone is doing their own thing in different towns.

  11. Fictional Ghost*

    I recently went to the Stanley hotel in Estes Park, Colorado. When I told people that I was going there, I would always immediately follow it up by saying “it was the hotel that inspired Steven King to write The Shining”. Even those who have never read the book seemed to understand the significance of the real world location to the fictional book. I was trying to think of any other real world location has that resonance with a book? Obviously there are nonfiction books that are relevant to their real world locations (like if I was heading to Chicago, I would read Devil In The White City by Erik Larson) but I mean something in the real world that inspired a work of fiction so profoundly. I couldn’t think of any other examples, do you guys have any?

    1. Jay*

      Moby Dick.
      Other than Ahab, it’s nearly a work of non-fiction.
      New Bedford and Nantucket were practically characters all their own.
      And Moby Dick is a very slight alteration of the name Mocha Dick, a real life giant white sperm whale known for destroying ships.

      1. Double A*

        I’ve heard that Melville actually made up most of the whaling instruction manual?? The novella part of Moby Dick is hilarious but I only waded through the whaling manual because I thought it was accurate and was annoyed when someone told me it’s not!

        1. Jay*

          Truth be told, my eyes sort of glazed over while trying to read that part.
          But I can see the New Bedford docks and shipyards from my windows.
          And I’ve spent some quality time in the working Nantucket docks over the past 20 years or so.
          So I can vouch for that much, at least.

    2. Indigo64*

      Kings Cross Station in London! They even have a little Platform 9 3/4 photo op (or they did when I visited in 2011)

      1. RC*

        It did irk me that it was not between Platforms 9 and 10 though lol

        (This was also quite a few years ago when I was less conflicted about her works)

        1. Jill Swinburne*

          The Platform 9 3/4 is actually between platforms 5 and 6. They’d put giant rubbish bins there when I was last there to discourage people lingering for photos. The photo op bit outside has HUGE lines!

    3. Sitting Pretty*

      Shawshank Redemption (another Steven King book made into a movie!) based on the Ohio State Reformatory. There is a whole society for preserving the location in part because of the popularity of the book and movie. I imagine other prison- and/or hospital-based books have a similar relationship to their place.

      The other one that comes to mind is Grapes of Wrath. Not that there is one specific location but that whole stretch of the middle continent suffering through the dust bowl felt like a character on its own. And I tell you, driving across Oklahoma’s panhandle even a full decade after reading it, I sure felt and saw the landscape in a more haunting (and likely haunted) way.

    4. Esprit de l'escalier*

      Rosemary’s Baby is set in an apartment building that has a fictional name but it is pretty obviously the Dakotas in NYC.

    5. Wren*

      I went to visit Bennington College solely because it’s the real-life equivalent to Hampden College from The Secret History.

      2. ThatGirl*

        At Bennington, Jennings music hall was Shirley Jackson’s inspiration for the Haunting of Hill House and when I saw it in person I sure understood why.

      1. 248_Ballerinas*

        John D. MacDonald’s Travis McGee (and many of his other novels) are set in Florida. Inspiration for Carl Hiaasen and Jimmy Buffett.

      1. allathian*

        Hard agree on these, especially PEI. I’ve only read Little Women once in my late teens, but I reread the Anne Shirley books about once every 5 years.

    8. Six Feldspar*

      I have a theory that a really good detective story is about a city or place as much as a crime, examples:
      Sherlock Holmes – London
      Philip Marlowe – LA and surrounds
      Rebus series – Edinburgh and Scotland
      Tana French’s novels – Dublin and Ireland
      Etc etc

        1. Jay*

          Ankh-Morpork itself is a wonderful composite of multiple real life cities. He goes into a few in some of his introductions, but I’ve managed to find notable portions of London (of course!), New York City, Edenborough Scotland, Rome, and Seattle Washington, among others.

      2. Mystery*

        Agatha Christie would fit in here. Many of the houses in her stories were pulled from her houses or those of people she knew.

      3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Nero Wolfe’s New York too! I like picturing the geography in my head. My favorite bit is in the second novella in *Black Orchids* (“Cordially Invited to Meet Death,” I think?) where Archie Goodwin starts out following someone in Riverdale and winds up following him all the way back to the brownstone on W. 35th St.

      4. Spacewoman Spiff*

        This feels right to me. I loved Laura Lippmann’s Tess Monaghan series, which is as much about Baltimore as anything else.

      5. BlueWolf*

        Ooh, I never thought about that, but it is so true. Jo Nesbo’s books (set in Norway) come to mind for me.

    9. Prawo Jazdy*

      The 2001 horror film “Session 9” was inspired by, and filmed at, the Danvers, MA State psychiatric hospital (a striking looking building that’s now used for housing)

      The Louvre = The Da Vinci Code, might also qualify.

    10. DistantAudacity*

      Helsingør, a charming town with a ferry across to Helsingborg in Sweden.

      «Oh, that’s Elsinore, you know. Hamlet!»

    11. CityMouse*

      Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman is heavily influenced by London (particularly some of the place names in London).

      It’s just the first part but Evelyn Waugh gives a lot of descriptions of Oxford in Brideshead Revisited.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        After you visit the MMA, head to Farmington Connecticut to Hill-Stead Museum, which in my mind is the inspiration for the Frankweiler home.

    15. Adventurer in Romania*

      I spent about half of my twenties living in Romania, primarily located in Bucharest but working part of the week in a nearby village called Snagov. When I read the book The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova I was delighted to learn that it was set in Romania and much of it in Snagov. For those who don’t know it, the book is about Vlad Țepeș, more commonly known as Dracula. The funny thing for me is that the author was trying to make the locations creepy, but having spent so much time there I just couldn’t feel it. The mountains are beautiful and I loved spending time exploring them. Snagov was a sunny place that in my mind is painted with cheerfulness and happiness, and the lake where Țepeș‘ tomb supposedly lies, supposedly empty, is a spot where I swam with friends and sunbathed. So I enjoyed reading the book a lot specifically for its setting (I don’t remember the plot at all), but I did not in any way have the experience with said setting that the author intended.

    16. The OG Sleepless*

      Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil and Savannah, GA. Savannah was critical to the Civil War and has important history going back to colonial times, but for over 20 years, all the tourists want to hear about when they visit Savannah is “The Book.”

      1. Clisby*

        I’m from South Carolina, and on the first trip home with my now-husband (from Ohio), we were driving to Savannah when a radio show (NPR, maybe?) came on where someone was reading from Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. I don’t know whether the narrator was the author, John Berendt, but I was sort of halfway paying attention when all of a sudden I realized “wait – he’s talking about something that really happened.” I remember the murder that’s central to the book. On a later trip to Savannah, we were eating breakfast at a famous place there and actually met one of the real people featured in Midnight.

    17. Elizabeth West*

      The Carpathian Mountains in Transylvania in Dracula. Not badly done, considering Bram Stoker never traveled there and didn’t have internet.

      Whitby in North Yorkshire is also in the novel, as are several other English towns and also some neighborhoods in London.

    18. Seeking Second Childhood*

      St. Paul’s Cathedral, London, and Connie Willis’s Firewatch. Then add Canterbury Cathedral and Oxford itself for To Say Nothing of the Dog.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Yes, this! I specified St. Paul’s when I visited London with my mom because of her books.

    19. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I’m not sure how widely known it is, but I once read reviews for this one random motel that was apparently used for one scene in Breaking Bad? A bunch of the reviews were some version of “the mean old Front Desk Lady chased us out of the parking lot while we were trying to take photos/film for instagram” or “I made a pilgramage to see this place and the manager wouldn’t let me see”. I wish I could remember where, I’m pretty sure there were a bunch of responses by the owner saying “no you can’t block my parking lot for a photoshoot and also you were all super rude”.

    20. Reebee*

      Another of King’s comes to mind: “Thinner.” Also, Blume’s “Starring Sally J. Freedman as Herself.”

      Great question!

    21. Agricola*

      The Burren in the west of Ireland is supposed to be the inspiration for some of the landscapes in The Lord of the Rings.

      Kronborg Slot in Helsingør is the inspiration for Elsinor Castle in Hamlet. I went to a production of Hamlet set outdoors in Kronborg a couple of decades ago, when the ghost appeared on the ramparts in the play he was actually on the ramparts above us.

    22. SofiaDeo*

      All of Tony Hillerman’s novels set in the Southwest are generally as accurate as possible. I’ve lived & worked in that region, plus traveling around it. The descriptions of the places are accurate, and the cultural aspects of Native Americans mentioned are generally pretty close (when it wasn’t taboo to discuss things).

    23. Anonymous Author*

      You might be surprised how often this happens but it isn’t widely known…I’m a novelist and most of my friends have at least one book where one location or another is inspired by a real place, and some are really foundational. You’d just never know it unless they shared it widely! One of my books is 100% based on a real location and it’s even in the title, but unless you happened to stumble across it you wouldn’t guess it’s not purely fictional.

    24. Part time lab tech*

      Tim Winton can be very evocative of Perth and Western Australia. (Particularly the way ocean and rivers are our background in our Mediterranean climate).
      Nevermore, Jessica Townsend is influenced by London. I think she grew up in Melbourne though and some of that comes through too.

    26. lilybeth*

      Whitby Bay in England: it’s where Dracula arrives in England in the novel. The weather can be pretty dramatic, which makes for some great viewing points of the harbor, and it all feels very very Gothic (the sea winds have weathered most of the cemetery headstones past reading; there’s a very Gothic ruined abbey, etc etc). You can see why Stoker picked it as a key location for the novel.

      1. Jill Swinburne*

        One of my favourite places in the world.

        A similar honorable mention to Wuthering Heights (and to a lesser extent, Jane Eyre) and the Yorkshire Moors (see also: The Secret Garden).

    27. Pam Adams*

      My best was reading Georgette Heyer’s Cotillion, bought in Hatchards, only to find a scene where our heroine buys a book in Hatchards.

  12. PhyllisB*

    On August 10th I posted about my missing son. I’m sorry to say the body they found was him.
    They just released him to the funeral home in their city, and the date of death listed…is his birthday. He was 39.

    Now I wonder how to answer the question about how many kids I have. I don’t want to deny his existence, but if the conversation gets into details such as age and where do they live, if I say he’s passed away people will be horrified and things will get really awkward. Any advice on how to handle this?

    1. ProfessionalMess*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t have any advice from personal experience, but I think if I was on the other end of such a conversation, and someone said “I had a son, but he passed.” I wouldn’t think that would be awkward or horrifying.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I know this has been a difficult several years for you and I think of you often.

      I don’t think you need to be consistent. Answer the way that feels right to you in the context. You might answer one way to people that you meet casually and another way to people who will be an ongoing presence in your life. I think something like, “I have three living children” is honest and doesn’t invite a lot of follow-up questions. I also think you can respond to follow-ups with “it’s difficult to discuss,” or “I’d rather not discuss that now,” and most people will accept it.

      My thoughts are with you and your family.

      1. Lore*

        I agree with this and am also so sorry for your loss. Those who are important to you now will know the full story, and for people you meet in the future, it’s okay to give them whatever answer contains the amount of information you feel able to share on that day. If they become important to you, they’ll learn more details later.

    5. Esprit de l'escalier*

      My condolences to you for this terribly sad outcome. I don’t think there is any really satisfying way to deal with this dilemma. How you will answer when you’re asked “How many children?” will depend so much on your emotions at that moment, your sense of your future interactions if any with the person, what kind of person do they seem to be, and so forth.

      I think all of this will be percolating for you every time it comes up, unless you decide that your best path, at least for now, is to always give the same answer in order to minimize your emotional labor, and let the other person deal with it as they will. If it makes some people uncomfortable to hear your reply, well, unfortunately it’s an inherently uncomfortable fact of your life. Asking apparently innocuous personal questions always carries the risk of hearing an uncomfortable reply.

    6. chocolate muffins*

      I am so sorry. I have no personal experience with this, but I think saying whatever feels right to you is fine even if it makes the asker feel awkward. What feels right to you may change over time, and that’s also fine and normal. In an essay or memoir I read (don’t remember the source), a parent at one point said things like “I have three children, two living” which worked for her, in case a specific idea for language is helpful. But really, anything you want to say or do here is fine. Good thoughts to you.

    7. So Very Anon For This*

      I am so very sorry about your loss.

      When I was little, I had an older sister, who died of cancer when she was fourteen and I was seven. When I started college, I made the deliberate decision that when people asked if I had brothers or sisters, I would say no. By that time, I had had too many experience where I had casually said, “yes, but… ” and the exact reaction you fear happened. There is no way to keep it light. And I was not lying — I was my parents’ only living child.

      Here it is: you are not denying his existence by not mentioning him. You are not erasing any of your or his experiences by not mentioning him. He is, and will always be, part of your life. You are merely truthfully answering the question with the number of living children you have, which is fine. If anyone eventually gets closer to you, you’ll find that you can tell them about your other son, and it’s not weird. (Or, if they make it weird by being all offended that you didn’t mention it before, well, they just showed you how much you don’t want to be their friend, which is valuable to know).

      Also, you don’t have to follow the same rule in every situation, even if you made that rule yourself. If you find yourself in a conversation where you feel comfortable including your son, then that’s fine too.

      The point is, if you are in a circumstance in which you’d rather just say the number only includes your current living children, you are not wrong. There is no wrong way to do it. You aren’t negating anything (or anyone) by doing so, because, again, he is, and will always be, part of your life.

      Again, my deepest condolences.

        1. GythaOgden*

          Exactly. It’s incredibly situational.

          It gets easier — I’m five years out from losing my husband to cancer (and yeah, f*** cancer, a pernicious beast that eats you alive) but I still miss him terribly. I can be matter of fact about it but it’s not going to be easy for people to find out and not have their heart ache. So I know that people will still offer sympathy and accept that. Additionally, I’ve found I can also be there for others with newer, fresher losses than mine — when I was newly widowed it was people telling me about their experience that made me feel I was in a kind of club now that was fellowship offering solidarity and a place to turn if I felt alone. So in turn, I make myself available in that sense in order to pay it forward.

          But you don’t have to have all the trappings of spirituality to do that. Phyllis doesn’t have to call her son her angel in heaven, even if that’s how other people handle it. She can play it by ear, she can explain the difference, she can accept that he’s gone in physical reality without negating his entire existence, and so on. There is no authority we have over this situation and nothing we can say except what worked for us.

          Take care of yourself, Phyllis. You’re always talking about your family and that’s awesome but you need some time to deal with this independently. I hope and pray that if your son’s death requires any sort of justice in the aftermath, that you get it, but in the mean time you cannot look after anyone else if you don’t look after yourself, and that means not fretting about how you should quantity your children after this terrible situation.

      2. Paint N Drip*

        Really well said, and totally agree on all of it.
        I’ve had 2 miscarriages so I look (and am) childfree, but when it makes sense to share my 2 missing babies it can be really therapeutic to share.

    10. Jean (just Jean)*

      I am so sorry that your missing son was found in this way. You are allowed to mourn in a way that makes sense for you. I hope that you are surrounded by supportive people. I can’t add anything else to the good advice you’ve already received here. Take care and be kind to yourself. Grief is difficult and demanding.

    12. Two cents*

      My condolences, PhyllisB. What a rough thing to sit with.

      I also don’t have any personal experience, but someone here asked a long while ago about what to say when one of her small children had died. One person wrote back with an answer that very neatly avoided the problem by not giving a number. I don’t remember the exact phrasing, but it basically set the person up to relay other information/anecdotal stuff that answered the conversation need but moved it away from anything awkward or painful. So something like “Here are pictures of Bob, Jane and Lina.” Or “my son Don lives close by” or “My daughter Janice just finished school” or something like that. No lies, no editing of the truth, but also not getting in to it. I thought that was so clever because it can work in loads of situations where talking about one particular person would get too awkward or too much for small talk, but still gives the asker something that works for conversation making purposes.

      I don’t think there’s a wrong answer here. I think it boils down to what you feel comfortable doing. Much love and support for you in the coming weeks.

    13. Ochre*

      I’m so very sorry for your loss.

      I think in some circumstances you don’t have to exactly answer the question as asked.
      “How many kids do you have?” “I have a daughter in Ohio who’s a teacher and a son in Florida who repairs fishing boats” and if they’re just making polite conversation they can latch on to teaching or fishing or life in the South or whatever.

      Or you can choose the order in which you mention your children so he’s neither the first or last child you mention: “My oldest son is in Arizona, my other son has unfortunately passed away, my oldest daughter is going back to school for business, and my younger daughter is a teacher in Ohio.” Again, if it’s someone who’s asking casually, this gives them other avenues to talk about but doesn’t leave him out completely.

      If someone really presses the issue (or knew your kids before) then I think this is where the stock answers of “it’s still hard for me to talk about” “thank you for your kind words” (while providing no further actual information that you don’t feel up to sharing) come into play.

    14. The Prettiest Curse*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. Many condolences to you and your family.

      Regarding the question of what to say when discussing how many children you have, do whatever feels right to you. Not everyone will ask additional questions about your children – my mother-in-law lost three of her four children during her lifetime, so I would never do this with someone I didn’t know unless the person I was talking to went into detail about their children first.

    15. allathian*

      I’m so sorry for your loss, and I hope that you have a good support network to lean on.

      My aunt, who has three adult sons, talks about them in casual conversations. She’ll talk about her severely disabled daughter who died when she was 12 if the person is close enough to visit her home because she still keeps a sort of shrine to her with a photo and two candles (the daughter died about 20 years ago). AFAIK she never talks about her firstborn who died at birth, or the late-term abortion of a baby with a malformed cranium who wouldn’t have survived the birth. Only those who were around when the tragedies happened know about them.

      You aren’t denying your late son’s existence by not telling casual acquaintances about him. It’s okay to do that if it saves you pain. That said, if saying “I had a son, but he passed” comforts you, it’s okay to do that. If someone said that to me, I’d respond with “I’m so sorry for your loss, do you want to talk about it?” Assuming that I expected to see this person again, if not, I’d omit the second clause.

    17. Morning Reader*

      So very sorry for your loss.
      It is probably no consolation for you at this point, but, I hang out sometimes with my fellow retirees at the local senior center, and I’ve never been asked how many children I have. Usually if the topic arises, it’s “do you have children?” You can answer that any way you like. If you want to be vague, pivot to grandchildren. E.g. “yes but no grandchildren yet” or “yes but only one has kids of their own yet,” then go on to ask them about theirs. Generally, someone who asks you a question like this is just looking for a way to get to know you, and, looking for a way to talk about their own children or grands.
      Dodge and pivot like a politician.

    18. HannahS*

      I’m so sorry for your loss.

      For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s awkward and horrifying when someone shares things like that, though sometimes it’s hard to know what to say. It might help to have a standard way to shift the conversation back to whatever you want to talk about. If you ask someone a question, it usually redirects things.

      So if someone says, “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that!” You can say, “Thanks, it’s been tough. It’s really special to spend time with my grandkids. Do you have any little kids in your life? They’re so much fun, I find.”

      Or if they say something awkward like, “What happened?” You can say, “Well, it’s complicated and I don’t like to talk about it much. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my daughter and her kids, which has been nice. Do you have any little kids in your life? (etc.)”

    19. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’m so sorry for your loss.

      I do agree with the above posters who say to just go with how you’re feeling in the moment. I’m so sorry!

    20. ReallyBadPerson*

      I’m so, so sorry. I don’t know how you should respond when people ask how many children you have. I can tell you what I have heard some religious people say, “I have 2 here and 1 in heaven,” but this is only appropriate if it suits your personal beliefs. No one is required to give an account of their children to someone else, so it’s perfectly fine to be vague if you don’t want to talk about your loss.

      1. Not A Manager*

        I really, really like this phrasing if it’s part of one’s belief system. And I don’t know why, but for some reason it triggers less of an “oh what happened” response in me when I think about it.

    21. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I am so very sorry. I hope you’re able to take good care of yourself during such a stressful time.

    22. Christmas Cookie*

      I am so sorry.

      To your question, I have a good friend with two living children in elementary school and a child that died when she was 5 (she’d be 12 now). She answers relative to the context. In some cases, the answer is two as the context is related to current social events. In others, the answer is “A is 10, B is 7, and I had a daughter that would be 12 now.”)

      I have another friend who lost a teen to suicide. Her other child is grown now. When asked, she says “My daughter A lives in Sunnyville and works at the library.”

      If he was your only, perhaps “my son X died a few months back so now it’s just me.”

    23. fposte*

      Oh, Phyllis, I’m so terribly sorry. I know how hard this has already been for you, and this is a big final blow.

      I do think it’s fine for you to try out different answers, and you may find that different situations change your response. “I have three kids, two still living. Tom and Jerry both live near me in Normal, which is nice” might be a useful model; you’re getting the information out, but you’re moving the paragraph on so it’s not going to leave listeners wondering what to say.

      But it’s also okay not to slide past it. Lots of people have, sadly, lost children, either adult or not. People mostly will just be sad for you and then, frankly, go back to thinking about their own stuff. Platitudes can be really useful, especially if your listener gets stuck: “Yes, it’s sad, but we’re okay. Thank you. And my other kids are [whatever].” Then throw back to them with a question.

      It is an unfortunate truth that part of grieving is managing the emotions of people you tell. I hope the people you tell are very kind to you.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        fposte, your last paragraph is so wise. Sad but true. If we recognize this aspect of grief we may be a wee bit forewarned… even if the only thing we can do is say to ourselves, “well, this is a weird response to my news but I’m not obliged to do anything except try to remain calm and polite. I don’t have to add Taking Care of This Person to my already overflowing list of tasks.”

    24. WellRed*

      Oh Phyllis! I’m so sorry. I agree with Not A Manager that you don’t have have the same answer each time. Whatever feels right in the moment.

    25. Pocket Mouse*

      I am so, so sorry. What a terrible and heavy situation to be in, all around.

      I don’t have any advice, but sharing a podcast segment that’s relevant, when/if that seems appealing. It’s This American Life episode 823: The Question Trap. Act 2 is called “How Old Are Your Kids?” and is a story of a couple who have decided on their answers to that question, and what happens when one of them goes off-script. I’ll post a link to the segment in a follow-up comment.

      Wishing you a measure of peace as you move through this exceedingly difficult time.

    27. Elizabeth West*

      I am so sorry. I think it’s okay to acknowledge him and his passing.
      Sending all my love. <3

    28. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m sorry. My condolences to your family. I have no advice –just sympathy.

    29. Heffalump*

      “I am so sorry for your loss” may sound like a cliche, but it’s the simple truth. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

    30. Jackalope*

      This is not something you’ll be able to do for awhile, when the grief is not so fresh. But eventually it might help you to say it in a light way and move on quickly. I have an immediate family member who died long enough ago that I’m used to it and can handle it coming up in conversation, so if someone asks or there’s a reason that it’s unavoidable in conversation, I’ll just say, “Oh, [family member] actually died several years ago, but everyone else will be at our family Christmas! How about your family? What do you think of Subject Change?” Light and not ignoring my family member but also keeping everything emotional out of my voice.

      I’m so sorry for your loss.

    31. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      I am so terribly sorry for your loss.

      I have friends with child loss and they still include them in the count of how many children they have. In the end this is a you choice and it does not have to be decided. It is always up to you to decide what you do and do not want to share and it is never your job to manage other people’s feelings about it.

      My friend Sharon will introduce her self as engineer, musician, mother of 3 girls. If someone asks their age she will give their current ages. (12, 18, 24). If asked she will say the youngest lives with her and the oldest two live in Heaven. She celebrates their birthdays every year. That is how she chooses.

    32. Nancy*

      I am sorry for your loss.

      There is no right or wrong answer in what you should say. However, I don’t think it will be awkward and horrifying, everyone experiences loss.

    34. Myrin*

      Oh Phyllis, you’ve been talking about his situation a few times over the years so this is especially shocking to hear – I’m so very sorry and am wishing you all the best.

    35. GythaOgden*

      Oh I’m so sorry, Phyllis. My heart goes out to you and your family.

      As the widow of someone who died at 44, I still regard myself as married. Despite the marriage service saying ’till death us do part’, I don’t feel that my husband is just his urnful of ash. Due to my beliefs, I feel I’ll be with him again, and even though I’m legally able to do so, he was such a wonderful man that I’m not sure I’d be able to hold down a relationship with someone because of that wondering what might have been had he lived beyond his mid-40s. We’re together when I dream about him and it doesn’t feel weird for me to say that I feel like I get a glimpse into the afterlife in that way, just like the folk-tales about separated lovers or the Ladyhawke film.

      So you say what you feel most like saying. Everyone will feel this differently. I know someone who remarried after his wife died and his new wife understands that he still has a relationship with the deceased even as he loves her, and that’s obviously what he feels and how he remembers his past love — and I know he gets very low in the winter and calls us to talk directly about his first wife because it seems that it’s still something a bit more complicated with his second wife.

      With your child, again, it will depend on your beliefs. There’s a saying that you never truly die until everyone who remembers you is also dead, which to me avoids casting it in a religious or spiritual light and has a more humanistic tone to it. You remember your son. Others will remember him. We will remember him for you (if you don’t mind, the religious among us might pray for your family; others no doubt are sending you virtual expressions of their sadness and solidarity in that way too).

      Don’t rush it. Say what you need to say or what feels right at the time. Obviously, for government purposes, I’m a widow and to claim relief on my local taxes I have to say that there’s no-one else living at home with me even though I believe my husband still lives there in spirit. On the census there’s a space for widowed as well as single. But independent of any bureaucracy, the important thing is that you feel right when you say something, and that’s really trial and error for a lot of us.

      Take care. Your son, who seems to have had a troubled life and struggled in general, is now at peace. There is no more suffering for him, whether you believe in an afterlife or just oblivion. He is not in pain, he is not in danger, he is not at the mercy of other people or an uncaring or downright hostile bureaucracy and you have the closure of a funeral.

      I can only offer you a virtual hand up and my utterly best wishes for the future, and that your wee guy didn’t die in vain but can live on in your memories and how you honour his memory going forward.

  13. Oink*

    Google map is not a thing there. Download Naver Map instead. If it automatically downloads in Korean you can change to English settings.

    I recommend downloading KakaoMetro for the subway map, also available in English. All announcements and signs are in Korean and English.

    It will be pretty cold around that time so pack warm gear.

  14. Henny*

    Hi All! Long time reader. First time commentor! Our sweet 1yr old rescue cat that we adopted a few months ago is asthmatic. Oral steroids are the temp solution. The long term solution is an inhaler using the Aerokat device. Pretty intimidating at the moment. Any pro-tips from folks that have used the Aerokat? Or tips in general regarding cats with asthma? We switched to a no dust litter. Side note – he is the sweetest boy ever, a tripod cat named Cosmo.

    1. office hobbit*

      Take your own vet’s advice over this, but my cat has asthma and has been fine staying on the steroids for years. He has half a pill (so, 2.5mg) of prednisolone 3x/week. I crush it up and mix it into his wet food. My vet has said the only real disadvantage of the steroids (at that small a dosage, anyway) is that being on them means her options for pain relief for him are limited. But that’s only come up a couple times. You’ll have to see what dosage you can taper your cat down to and what else your vet advises. Part of the reason we’ve kept him on this is cost, so if you’re located somewhere where the inhaler is more sensibly priced then the choice may be easy.

      For lifestyle stuff: I use the Feline Pine litter (the pellets) and he seems fine with that. I have a couple of air purifiers (one small, one medium)–the Winix brand Alison recommended a while back seems great, especially if you catch them on sale. I track pollen season much more closely than I ever did before and make sure to keep windows closed if it’s bad. I try and fail to stay on top of vacuuming and dusting, but the air purifiers help out, and if I have to tackle a cleaning job that’s really gotten out of hand I make sure he’s sleeping in the other room first. I was already using scent-free products but that might be another thing to watch for. And I try to limit gross kitchen situations (compost or meat scraps go outside quickly or stay in the fridge/freezer instead of moldering in the kitchen trash).

      Good luck! It kinda sounds like a lot all listed out, but it really hasn’t impeded my kitty’s lifestyle much. I hope the case is the same with your little Cosmo!

    2. Lorraine*

      Our cat’s asthma is because of feline herpes (which bears no relationship to human herpes in the same way that polio in goats is nothing like polio in humans; I don’t know why these animal diseases got such misleading names LOL); we give him a daily antiviral pill and OTC lysine supplement for cats which also suppresses the virus. We have the kitty inhaler, too, and our kitty does just fine with it. When he has episodes, the vet gives him steroids, but we try to minimize that because just like in humans, long term steroid use can be bad on the immune system and internal organs.

    3. Soft clothes for life*

      Don’t worry, Cosmo will get used to the inhaler, though it might take a while. Let him get used to the piece that goes over his mouth/nose before introducing the inhaler. Just hold it on his face briefly, then treats. When you try the inhaler itself, puff it as far away from him as your arm can hold it, then put it up to his face. I count the breaths out loud – mine has learned that six means she’s done and it keeps her calm. Then treats :-)

      You can get the inhalers from an online Canadian pharmacy for 1/5 the cost. They are real pharmacies with legitimate medications. You’ll just have to send them the prescription, and it takes a while.

      Other things – air purifiers, cleaning the a/c filters, and limiting open window time help. Good luck! He’ll be so much happier when he can breathe better!

    4. Scout Finch*

      We had a cat with asthma! I bought the AeroKat, which was a no-go for her. We ended up with a clear storage bin with a human nebulizer cup mounted on the inside. My vet prescribed Albuterol. We emptied the Albuterol into the nebulizer cup & put a soft towel & the cat into the storage bin & put the lid on. The time varied, depending on how bad her breathing was. We called it “boxing Dusty”. She got to where she would sit next to the box if she was feeling bad, letting us know she was ready for her treatment. She lived over 3 years with this treatment. We lost her due to other health issues.

      Oral steroids may work best for you. But the AeroKat was too scary for her.

    5. Dancing Otter*

      My daughter just got back from cat-sitting an asthmatic kitty. She said he didn’t love the inhaler treatment, but clearly enjoyed breathing better. The treat immediately after was very important, too. (In many decades and many cats, I have only known one who was not treat-motivated.)
      The owners told her that the sound of the “puff” can startle kitty, at least until they get used to it. Dispense the medicine into the mask before putting it on the cat.

  15. Looking for a hat*

    I’m hoping to find a soft, not too heavy or stiff cloth hat that will keep the sun out of my eyes and also fit my large head. I’m female, but women’s hats are too small, so I’m looking for a men’s XL. I lost two really nice comfortable hats this past summer and am trying to replace them.

    I just returned two men’s ballcaps to Duluth Trading Company because they were uncomfortably heavy. Props to DTC for the immediate refund, but I guess their hats don’t work for me. Any suggestions?

    1. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      I love the Tilley hat I inherited from my dad. It’s a Canadian company. They are not cheap but they come with a lifetime guarantee.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        Tilleys are great. Comfortable, light weight, a variety of sizes, straps to keep them from blowing off, and they float. Also, people in random countries will recognize you as Canadian based on the hat.

    3. Silmaril*

      I am also a woman with a large head and wear a men’s XL hat size. I feel your pain, it does massively limit one’s options for headgear!

      Tilley hats have been my go-to for the past 20+ years – lightweight, comfy, cloth, dry quickly, float if you drop them in water. Excellent UV protection, and as a bonus they keep rain off too. I thought I’d ruined my (cream) hat on my first trip with it when it got dyed dark red from the dust, but it washed out beautifully.

      They come with a lifetime guarantee, so although they’re expensive (looks like they now cost ~£75 full price, though there’s a summer sale on currently), they’re a good investment. Mine still looks fine after >20 years. There’s a range of styles which don’t all look super outdoorsy – some are more aimed at city wear.

      Caveats – they can technically be rolled up in a bag, but if you do this repeatedly the brim will deform, they do better stored flat or they have a neck loop so you can hang them down your back. Also, if you have somewhere you can try them on locally, that’s ideal – different styles come out in slightly different sizes, I needed a slightly bigger size (maybe half an inch bigger?) in my newer hat than my old one (the old one is still going strong, but I wanted another colour for work travel).

      Lots of outdoor stores in the UK and USA stock Tilley hats, you don’t need to be in Canada to try them on.

      Good luck in your quest!

    4. Jay*

      I’m a guy with a very, very large head and really thick hair and this is the one and only non-novelty hat that has ever worked for me:
      A Chaps brand Newsboy style in the XL size.
      It’s comfortable, not too heavy, actually looks decent, and fits amazingly well.
      It worked so well that my father and brother, who are both in the same boat, immediately went out and bought the same hat and now won’t wear anything else.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      If you crochet and like a casualhat, , a bucket hat is fairly straightforward. There are a wide variety of free patterns online. Then sizing is infinite.

    6. sb51*

      I am going to third Tilley hats, but also point out that REI has both Tilley and other brands and usually has a bunch of sizes in stock so you can figure out your exact size (Tilley and some brands have very finely grained sizes). Plus they have a pretty good return policy for unworn stuff even if they no longer have an anything-goes policy. They don’t always have every model in every size but enough that you can figure out what you want to order.

    7. Loreli*

      REI coop has cloth hats in L/XL sizes. The Sierra Guide hat has mesh sections that keep things cool. Other styles also Check their website at rei dot com

      1. RLC*

        Have also had good luck with REI’s hat selection. Found a very easy fitting cloth brimmed hat there (brand The North Face). For reference I’m a woman, 23” head, hat size 7 3/8.

    8. Anon Teacher*

      I moved halfway across the country a year ago after a job I loved and had invested in unexpectedly became untenable. I moved in with my partner for the first time. It wasn’t an area I would have chosen if not for my partner.
      Adjusting to the new workplace and being away from our old friends was hard. Really it was a grieving process that took longer than I thought, letting go of some things.
      One year later, I feel so much better and I’m hopeful about the future. Time itself is such a big part of the equation. Be compassionate with yourself. Trust that you’ve made the right decisions. In time, you will feel more rooted, settled, at peace.

  16. Flannel sheets*

    I’m looking for a place to buy flannel sheets with pretty prints. Last year I got one at the Company Store with a beautiful garden flowers and birds print. I’m pretty happy with it but their options were limited, so I want to branch out! LL Bean has great quality but not always the best selection of prints. If you think a shop might have them but they’re not in their current inventory, send it on anyway! They might get added to inventory as the seasons cool. I’m probably a bit early to be looking! Thanks for any tips!

      1. Clisby*

        Check them out for sure. That’s where I buy sheets, because they have the old-fashioned low-thread-count cotton sheets I like.

    2. Anono-me*

      JCP usually has some cute ones in their holiday sales. We’ve switched from flannel to fleece about 8 years ago, so I can’t speak to current flannel sheet quality. However JCP has historically been good for all linens.

    3. Chaordic One*

      I’ve had very good luck buying them on sale at Kohl’s. They usually have great winter clearance sales starting in January and running until their stock of flannel sheets is gone.

    4. Grad School Attempt 2*

      If you like floral prints, I’ve been very happy with Laura Ashley brand flannel sheets. I’ve bought several sets now (via Amazon). Never had any quality issues.

    5. The Week Ends*

      Lands End. Their stuff is pricey but they have nearly constant 30-50% off sales so watch for that.

    6. Reba*

      Garnet Hill. They have some traditional and some more stylish options. I personally haven’t used their flannel but their sateen sheets are fantastic so I feel confident in the recommendation.
      I also am someone who always seems to be shopping for things out of season … Good luck!

    8. Chauncy Gardener*

      Garnett Hill has the absolute best flannel sheets, IMHO. They last forever, wash and dry really well, and they’re always coming out with new patterns and colors.
      They are not cheap, but you’ll have them for the rest of your life!

    9. Maryn*

      Cuddledown has some nice flannel sheets. I simply had to have the ones printed with sheep a few years ago, and they’re still like new.

    10. Flannel sheets*

      Thank you all for the tips! A lot of these places/brands are new to me and look like fantastic options.

    11. Ruth A*

      I love fun prints, which are hard to find in sheets for grownups. If your bed isn’t any larger than a queen, you can also check out sheets for kids. Pottery Barn Kids is where I bought my last set of queen-sized sheets, and it looks like they have a handful of flannel options.

  17. Annie Edison*

    Please share with me encouraging stories of rebuilding in midlife. I have gone through a series of personal upheavals- some by my choice and others very much not- in the last several years and am now finding myself in a relatively new place, about to change careers, and mostly rebuilding my local community from scratch (I know a few people here, but don’t yet feel “at home” or connected the way I have in other places), and it is both exciting and terrifying. Have you done something similar? Tell me it will be okay eventually!

    1. Not A Manager*

      I left my spouse and moved back to my city of origin. I’m living alone and happier than I’ve been in years. Made a bunch of new friends, re-connected with old ones, cautiously undertaking some new hobbies and learning new skills.

      My advice is to be willing to step out of your comfort zone. Not always, not every time. But when you have that inertial feeling of “I’m so comfortable at home and it’s inconvenient/scary to go out and try this new thing,” remind yourself that you can spend a *different* night at home, and you can leave the new thing early if it sucks, and go give it a try.

    2. Frieda*

      This isn’t a huge, dramatic change all at once but I got divorced about 10 years ago and had a series of shifts after that: sold a house, then sold another house and moved to a totally different area of the city, with my new partner; became an empty nester; shifted away from some long-term activities/groups during the early Covid days. So in about 2022 I was really dislocated from many prior connections.

      I’ve found that actively joining up with new groups focused on interests I haven’t previously explored has been good, and taking classes (even online) to help spark new ideas and gain new expertise has been fruitful. I’ve enjoyed getting to know my new area of town and especially going to small businesses and regular events specific to the new location.

      It has been good. I’ve picked up a couple of brand-new hobbies, enjoyed decorating my new home, gotten to know a part of the city I hadn’t really spent time in before, become active in my community in new ways, etc. You’ll be fine!

    3. Amber Rose*

      I don’t have stories but in my mid-30’s I find myself starting over in my career and going back to school of all things.

      So here’s some solidarity for both the excitement and terror. I believe in a great future for us both. :)

    4. Generic Name*

      Let’s see. I guess you could say I rebuilt my life in middle age even though I still live in the same house. I divorced when I was 38. I rebuilt my social life, ending some friendships while strengthening others. I eventually remarried after age 40. Then I left a job I held for 12 years for a much much better job. I have just about doubled my salary over the past 10 years. So middle age me is much happier and in a much better place than I was 10 years ago.

    5. WestsideStory*

      I’ve changed coasts twice, changed career paths every ten years for the past for decades. Yes some of it by choice, some not. Think of it as opportunity. When you are in the process of reinventing yourself, focus on you. What you like. Who you like. This is your chance to shed any old skin that no longer suits you. Change anything that doesn’t work – change your haircut, your exercise routine, your office work routine, the kind of coffee you drink – the places you hang out. Feel no need to explain any of it to folks who knew you “before.” If they cherish you truly, they will encourage your growth. Any who are pissy about it, slough them off slowly or quickly as you will.

      You will be more than okay – you will find walking away from the bad and into a new life its own reward, on many levels.

    6. 1LFTW*

      My marriage ended when I was 40 (college “sweethearts”, so the relationship lasted my entire adult life at that point). Eight years later, I can assure I am doing so much better than OK.

      I got through by thinking about all the things I hadn’t been able to do when living with, cooking with, and generally making joint decisions with my ex, and then doing those things. It really took the sting out of having my life uprooted when I realized I could replant myself as I pleased.

      In your case, that might include stuff your former friend group wasn’t into but maybe you wanted to try. Like others have said, take classes. Try meet-ups, if those are still a thing. Take risks.

    7. Meh*

      I started a new career after a 8 year break (kids + pandemic shutdown). It was rough and slow getting started again, but my past experience and skills let me ‘bounce back’ higher/faster.

      Not a dramatic change compared to some, but just to prove the point that even if you’re starting from scratch in many ways, you’re still coming in with a lot more skills/experience (life AND work) that will help you out.

    8. Dancing Otter*

      I relocated 1 1/2 – 2 hours away in the same metropolitan area in my 50s. (Think opposite extremes of the commuter rail system.) Too far for anyone but blood kin, basically.

      I made new friends through interest groups (quilting and choir and the local chapter of a professional association, in my case). Some stuck, and some didn’t, but it worked out fine. I’m retired now, so no work connections, but I have 8 to 10 in-person events a month, which is plenty for this introverted bookworm.

      One piece of advice: it’s important to find a new PCP before you need one, because a lot of doctors aren’t accepting new patients; even with those that are, there might be a significant wait to get an initial appointment. Plus, it might take a couple of tries to find the right one. My insurance company (Blue Cross/Blue Shield) had a particularly good site for finding a new PCP, and I connected to specialists through her referrals. Asking your new acquaintances for recommendations is good, too – that’s how I found a great dentist.

    9. Cinnamon Stick*

      It will be okay eventually. I had a decade-long relationship end when I was 52 and I was devastated. I was also out of work for the first few weeks, and in a new neighborhood and apartment.

      I’m lucky enough to be in a big city, so MeetUp works well for me and I found some groups related to my hobbies. I went on Groupon and found a discount for a photography class for something fun to do and learn.

  18. Not your typical admin*

    Favorite streaming service. Right now we have Disney, Amazon, peacock, max, and paramount. Considering getting rid of Disney and paramount. Kids (teens and tweens) want to get Netflix. Also, feel free to suggest any good shows. Our current favorite is The Gilded Age. If you like Downton Abby you’ll be a big fan.

    1. EA*

      I have Disney+ for the (under 6) kids, but otherwise would get rid of it. We have and like Netflix, mostly for anime and kids stuff, but there are some other good series too. I got a free trial of Apple and cancelled it because I didn’t like anything enough to keep it, and got Peacock only for the Olympics. I’m interested in Max for a few specific things but haven’t gone for it yet!

      1. AnonymousOctopus*

        Came here to recommend Criterion Channel too! I adore their Criterion 24/7 stream, watched so many amazing films I wouldn’t necessarily have picked on my own but found myself enjoying.

    5. Filosofickle*

      I have several but almost all my viewing goes to Peacock these days, because of the big back catalog of network series. Just cancelled Netflix since I hadn’t found anything to watch there in a long time, and I figure in a year I can rejoin and there will be new things then! I think rotating them every 6-12 months be the best way to get value out of them.

    6. RC*

      We’ve been considering getting rid of Netflix. Especially since Crazy Ex Girlfriend has only a week or two left (argh). Peacock and Max and honestly Youtube are what we mostly watch. Had Apple for a few months, but wasn’t much there to keep us (although I’d recommend the Afterparty). At some point we’ll get a month or two of Disney again to catch up on all the various Star Wars series.

    7. allathian*

      Disney, Max, Netflix. We watch Disney mainly for Star Wars, some Marvel but not all because there’s too much to keep track of, and National Geographic.

      Max mainly for HBO shows, old and new, currently watching House of the Dragon, and some Discovery shows like Expedition Unknown with Josh Gates.

      We have Netflix mainly for the old Star Trek shows (up to and including Enterprise) but there’s so much there that I get lost in the library…

    8. Quench*

      The only ones I use are Netflix (so much content!) and Disney+ (for Marvel and Star Wars mainly, plus my semi-regular Hamilton rewatches). I have Prime purely because I have it for other stuff than the streaming service, but I rarely watch it. None of the others have enough content that appeals to me to be worth paying for.

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      I think AppleTV is quite good, especially for the cost. On there I recommend For All Mankind, Afterparty, Severance, and Slow Horses.

      1. CityMouse*

        Apple has Mythic Quest and Ted Lasso too. I do think you can get Apple for a couple months watch the backlog and then cancel.

      3. amoeba*

        Also, Trying (comedy about a London couple’s way to adopting kids), and Physical (pretty dark but great story about a rising aerobic star in the 80s. Content warning for eating disorders and mental health issues though!)

    11. Jay*

      Just something to consider, there are some very nice free/freemium options out there, as well.
      Pluto, The Roku Channel, Crackle, and Tubi come to mind. There is also a huge amount of cool video content available on YouTube.

    13. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Right now I watch the most on Peacock and Discovery+ for the true crime channels. Disney+ is very situational, but we watch enough Star Wars and Marvel to keep it. I’m not sure how long we’ll keep the Hulu add on- we don’t watch that very much. I also have Passport from our local PBS affiliate (though that’s incidental to my monthly donation) and Prime Video but that’s also mostly incidental to the other features I use on Prime. I recently got a new iPad that came with a three month trial for Apple TV, but I don’t think we’ve watched anything on it yet so will probably cancel it come November. I occasionally look through Max to see if there’s enough calling my name to pop for a month – I like some of their documentaries.

    14. Professor Plum*

      Also consider waiting for Black Friday. Many streaming services offer deals for new signups. Great way to try for a year. Be sure to set a reminder before the trial period is up to consider if the device is one want to continue at the regular price.

    15. fposte*

      Has anybody tried the one from the (UK) National Theatre? I imagine you could run through the catalogue fairly quickly, but it would still be pretty cool while you were exploring it.

    16. Clisby*

      The only ones we have are Amazon Prime and Acorn. We used to use CBC Gem by starting up a VPN and connecting to Canada, but eventually they caught on and we couldn’t do it any longer.

    17. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      Check if your library has Kanopy – lots of movies, documentaries, instructional videos and series that you can stream for free. I’m currently watching the Father Brown series.

    18. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      I try to rotate, I need to purge some. Right now I mostly watch Max (formerly HBO) and AppleTV.

    19. Emma*

      I really enjoyed Apple TV+ – For All Mankind (imagines a space race where Russia lands someone on the moon first, and then imagines the space race in subsequent decades), Ted Lasso (heartwarming, feel good, very sincere- US coach coaches a UK soccer team), Silo (dystopian – people are living in a mysterious underground silo, and no one is quite sure of the origins).
      Just to name a few! For All Mankind is one of the best series I’ve watched in some time. I
      It’s stuck with me.

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          I have Netflix, but only watch it rarely. I think the problem is that there is so much choice when it comes to streaming services, so finding the time to watch can be hard, plus sometimes there isn’t anything I want to watch.

    20. Cinnamon Stick*

      I have several (I’m in the US). The ones I watch most of often are Britbox and Acorn, though I do have several others. I’m a big fan of British crime shows and comic book-related media.

      I would recommend Grantchester for you, I think.

  19. Anon Poster*

    I’m planning a trip to Lisbon in a couple of months, and I was wondering if anyone who has been has suggestions for where to look for hotels. I’m poking around on different travel blogs, but I would love to hear from anyone who has been there. This is my first ever 100% solo trip and the “what if I make a terrible decision” anxiety is kicking in!

    1. Anono-me*

      I can’t recommend anything in Lisbon, but I have also had good luck doing a search similar to what Teapot Translator does.

      I have 2 differences.
      1. I skim the most recent 20 +/- reviews and then read the latest 10 + bad reviews. (Maybe a historically great place changed hands and went downhill.)
      2. I find a second choice with lots of vacancies. That way if something is a problem at my first choice, I can check out and go to my backup hotel (Maybe call the backup hotel first to confirm availability before checking out of the other hotel
      ).

      Bon voyage.

      1. Lemonwhirl*

        This great advice.

        I avoid any prepayment or non-cancellable rooms. The costs are a little higher, but I consider it a fee that I’m paying to keep my options open and minimize hassle if things go sideways.

        It’s also probably worth thinking about what would a terrible choice look like and what are your options for dealing with it? Having a plan always makes me feel better. (And I know the stakes feel high but the feel much more manageable when you’re able to see that you have agency and you won’t be forced to stay in a horrible hotel.)

      2. Mystery*

        Also similar. I generally cut any locations with any reviews that mention lack of cleanliness.

    2. AcademiaNut*

      I tend to sort by price, and then look at the ratings/reviews. I’ve had very good luck with places that praise the owners are being very nice and helpful – this doesn’t necessarily get the fanciest places, but you tend to get nice and cozy ones.

      One thing to watch – these days sites like booking.com combine AirBnB type listings with standard hotels, hostels and B&B. You have to be really careful to filter results if you don’t want a place where you let yourself in via a code panel and there’s no reception or security. I’m fine staying in those with other people, but travelling by myself I prefer a standard hotel.

    4. DistantAudacity*

      I stayed at the Solar Dos Mouros hotel (in Rua do Milagre De Santo ) in the hillside just below the castle. They had charming rooms and a nice small-hotel feel. I was travelling by myself at the time!

      My stay was in 2018, so do check the latest reviews to see that they are still OK! Quick look at Google reviews seem to indicate so, but do your own due diligence :)

      1. DistantAudacity*

        When travelling solo, I tend to prioritize location (is it easy to walk where I need, and also not in the middle of traffic and/or dodgy area) and also a nicer place to stay because I do go back and forth to the hotel more than when travelling with others (including spending evenings in rather than out).

        1. DistantAudacity*

          Oh – and I’m sure you know this, but always book directly with the hotel, and not through a 3rd party site like booking com or expedia or whatever. If there are big price differences, you can always check if the hotel can match the rates. It makes a big difference in case there are any issues.

    5. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      We stayed at the Altis Prime Hotel, and the location plus the staff were wonderful – I had a minor emergency mid-trip and they were so gracious and unruffled. It’s within walking distance to lots of cool spots, was clean, and they had a pool.

      Also – I know from that “what if??” anxiety, it’s awful, but power through!

    6. Cardboard Marmalade*

      I was there on my own a couple years back and stayed at the oddly-named but very lovely “Feeling Eduardo VII” (Rua Marquês de Fronteira 8). It’s got a subway station right in front of it and is across from a lovely big park to walk around in.

    7. Pastéis de nata*

      You don’t say your budget, but I found Hotel Pátria great value for money (clean, quiet, near metro). Not by any means a fancy hotel though. The photos and online are accurate

    8. Anon Poster*

      Thank you so much to everyone who chimed in. I know I’ll be so excited to be there once I’m there, but now that it’s time to spend money and commit to decisions I’m getting nervous! Thank you for the help and reassurance.

    9. amoeba*

      I’m probably late, but if you see this: I’ve stayed at a place called Anjo Azul a few years ago and really liked it! It’s pretty inexpensive (as in, three stars, nothing fancy, but clean and nice, and friendly staff as well) and centrally located, kind of “cool” neighbourhood in the old town, as far as I remember. Nice coffee shops and stuff nearby. Ratings on booking still look really good nowadays, so I’d recommend!

      Also, for bookings in general, I’ve never really had a bad experience by just going on the booking . com app and filtering for 8+ stars and then sorting by price, basically. I do tend to prefer the ones with 8.5+, if it’s lower, I also read the worst reviews to see if there’s anything drastic. But yeah, even with the slightly lower ones, the worst I’ve seen is “slightly smaller/shabbier than I thought”, so never had an actually bad stay.

  20. Valancy Stirling*

    Bringing back the procrastination thread. What have you been putting off? Go do the thing.

    2. My Brain is Exploding*

      Cutting up fabric that came from my spouse’s grandma. And now I just received two more bags of it.

        1. My Brain is Exploding*

          Most of it is smaller pieces. Crammed into bags. I’ve been taking out pieces, ironing them, cutting one tumbler shape out of any pieces that are big enough (but no more than one per fabric design), and putting the rest back in a bin for now. I thought I was about done with this, but…nope.

    3. Double A*

      Selling baby/kid things on Facebook (these aren’t great things to donate to goodwill). I got a start on it then got anxious about being on Facebook and bailed. So I dunno if I’ll do it.

    4. The Dude Abides*

      Organizing my man-closet that doubles as shelter when storms hit.

      In our basement, I have a small enclave with a folding table for a desk, some accoutrements and rugby paraphernalia hanging on a wall, and a closet that is mostly full of Magic stuff – deck boxes, row boxes, playmats, etc. I know where everything is within the closet, but it’s not put away in the best manner.

      I need to do the thing, but the only time during the day it could be done is after our daughter goes to bed, and by then I am loath to spend an hour or so getting it cleaned up.

      I also want to do it solely by myself given the secondary market value of some of the collection ($65-70k) and the fact that my wife does not know that number and does not want to know that number.

    5. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Sending a couple of emails about a hospital procedure scheduled for next month. I know I won’t get the responses I’m hoping for (it’s about a detail of the scheduling they never budge on), but it’s worth a try and I shouldn’t leave it too late. I’ll do it on Monday!

    7. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Calling back the trauma cleaners I’ve been trying to reach to clean out my apartment. I put in the call! Thank you for the thread, Valancy Stirling! : )

    9. Two cents*

      Contacting the guy who is going to help us write our international will. We had the first consultation where he posed some great questions and then a whole lot of life happened and I just…didn’t follow up with answers so we could get a draft going. Should do.

    10. Past Lurker*

      Renewing my passport. I have the photos and everything! Just can’t get myself to fill out the form and mail it for some reason.

    11. illuminate*

      I have a long overdue letter to send out, but can’t find my stamps. Once I finish what I’m doing I’ll run to the post office :)

    13. goddessoftransitory*

      Paying that stupid credit card bill. I deposited the insurance, just keep “forgetting” to do it. I will when I get home, pinkie swear!

    14. Cardboard Marmalade*

      Ugh, I have some prescriptions to pick up at the pharmacy, which I will genuinely get to by tomorrow. I have also been meaning to clear out my front garden (it’s basically a jungle) all summer and it’s just now getting cool enough outside that I could do it all in one go, it’s just the *starting* that is so hard.

    15. carcinization*

      Giving myself a pedicure because I’m trying to save money right now. But I pulled a muscle or something in my solar plexus area so I’m still waiting until tomorrow!

    16. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      Thank You for the nudge Valancy!

      Since I saw this yesterday I have….

      – Looked up the serial number to my Samsung range for the recall (knobs easily turned on by brushing against them) and yes, its under recall and I ordered safety covers. Serious danger averted!
      – Printed out calendar page for September for my fridge. If its not in front of my face, I forget to check appointments for the week. Hopefully this will help
      – Ordered a couple of things online that I need.
      – Confirmed that the Farmer’s Market is open Labor Day!

      Now I can sit on my deck with a book and iced coffee guilt free!

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Wow, you’re my hero, Trixie Belden! Way to get a ton done!

    17. Pita Chips*

      Cleaning and inventorying my jewelry. I am a magpie and I need to sort what I still wear from what I might never wear again.

  21. Teapot Translator*

    I stayed at the Chalet d’Ávila Guest House when I went. I liked the place, the people at the front desk were super friendly, but it is a bit outside the historical/tourist part. So, if you like to pop into your hotel room in the middle of day, would not recommend. But it’s right by a subway station so it’s easy to get around from there.

    My trick to finding accommodation is to go on Booking, put in the city and my dates, then filter by rating (8+) and breakfast included (I need my breakfast first thing, don’t want to go looking for one). Then I check there’s a decent amount of reviews (a place rated a ten but with only a couple of reviews is not enough) and choose based on price and distance from center. I usually get a good place like that.

  22. Flooglebinder*

    I’m in my very early 40s and have always been a bit of a nomad – I left home when I was 16 and have moved cities (and sometimes countries) every few years since. As a kid I had some rough spots and I think the option to constantly reinvent myself is part of why I move around so much (I’ve had lots of therapy!), but also if things go bad for me with a property or a job or a relationship the place starts to feel like one where I don’t need to stay. At the same time…..I’m tired! I’d love to stay in one place and put down roots, but haven’t found the place to do it so far. A lot of it stems from the fact I have nothing to push or pull me anywhere, am currently single and have no close family left that I need to be near to. I’d love to hear from any fellow nomads or reformed nomads about how you ended up in the place you’ve stayed, and if there’s any advice you’d give about how you decided on your location.

    1. Kate*

      Am I reformed? Maybe. Or maybe it’s just a pause for a few years?

      Like you, I have moved around every few years since I was a kid. I get itchy around year 2, and usually move by year 3.

      Why am I staying at this last one? It’s not for the place itself, ugh. But I have a job I like with tolerable colleagues, a house I love, and the second-to-last move was really hard on my kid school-wise.

      Don’t love the place (or even like it much) but I have also lived enough places to know that they all have their upsides and downsides, so I can make peace with this one for a while.

    2. Sitting Pretty*

      After moves every 2 years all through my late 20s and early 30s, I finally settled one place at 36. I did have reasons, going through a divorce and had a small kid, needed to figure out how to support him as a single mom so picked the city close to my parents (NEVER wanted to settle here). I have been antsy for 14 years but I bought a condo and stuck it out. Great schools and all.

      But now that I’m 50 and going through a major health and resulting career/financial crisis, I’m thankful beyond measure for having been tethered to this place for so long. Without really realizing it, a huge support network has built up around me. Friends, neighbors, church community, folks I’ve met at work or at the gym
      … and I can call on them to keep me company or to help. As I guess I did for many of them when I was more ok.

      Sometimes I imagine how different, how lonely and difficult, this time would be if I lived in a place I was newer to. Yeah it can be a little dull to go to the same farmers markets and same meetups for years but those are the places you build connections, almost by accident. So if you’re looking to start creating that elusive thing we call “community,” one good way to start is by just staying put for a while

    3. Feeling Feline*

      TBH my situation is just: I happened to get a house, I happened to get cats. I miss my transient lifestyle a lot though, I feel like a major part of me is missing now that I’m stuck in one place.

    4. Jay*

      I moved around a LOT from about 16-28. Some by choice, some not.
      I eventually got to like it. There was a comfort in knowing that, if things didn’t work out for me, I could toss everything of value I owned into the back of my old hatchback and just leave.
      As I got older, though, it started to get more difficult. I wanted at least some kind of roots.
      So I found a compromise:
      I got a job where I did deep field work for a living.
      I left on deployments that lasted anywhere from days to months (about two weeks was normal). I could get about a months worth of hours banged out in two weeks, and then my time was my own (I usually worked a bit more than that, just to bank some extra money). I have a decent apartment in a nice (at least to me, anyway) city that I would only see when I was not deployed in the field and served as a great place to rest and recuperate and (back when the job used to pay well, lol) as a central location for planed short vacations and little adventures, as well as the occasional long trip. This took me all the way to my mid 40’s.
      Then, well, I got too old, too hurt, too battered and beat up to keep doing the work, so I took a stable, normal-ish job with the same company. I’m almost 50 now, and I’m realizing that I don’t want to keep moving anymore. It’s just time to stop. And I’m happy with that in a way I could not have been earlier in my life. The job is still strange and surprising enough to keep me interested and on my toes and the rest of my life is now predictable enough for me to start taking care of my rapidly aging body before it’s entirely too late.

    5. LNLN*

      Many years ago, my husband and I drove around the US, looking for a place to live. We settled down in a place where: the cost of housing worked for us, the recreational opportunities matched our interests (easy access to hiking and x-country skiing), the climate was tolerable (minimal temperature extremes) and where there was a good market for his carpentry business. Swap out your priorities and interests, and that might help to include/exclude different cities or areas. Good luck!

    6. Nicosloanica*

      For me, it was less about the general area – my job at the time dictated that, and I do ascribe to the notion that there are probably good things about most places (unless they’re very red/conservative or the weather doesn’t jive with me, two things I screened for before taking the job) – and more about the specific house I bought. I found a place that was a fixer-upper and checked all my boxes; big yard, has character, etc. Once I found a house, I put a lot of my previous antsiness into doing house projects, and the more projects I did, the more settled I felt in the house, which made me more open to getting to know the good parts of the area. Now I enjoy travel but am glad to come home to “my” place. But there’s nothing special about the state I live in.

    7. Don’t make me come over there*

      I was in a similar spot – moved every 2-4 years from ages 21-35, then accidentally landed a job that turned out to be a good fit, with a big company that had room for growth and opportunities to try new things so the job didn’t get stale, in a place that had a group for my favorite hobby, and a climate I liked. Then I started joining groups. Not just my dance group, but a rowing club that I drove by every day on the way to work, and a couple alumni clubs. After a while I started running into people I knew at the grocery store. And found out that a rowing friend’s husband works with one of my dancing friends. And when that great employer transferred my job to another state, I decided to take the severance and stay put. It was kind of accidental, but I had put down roots, and came to appreciate it.

  23. Helvetica*

    I am having a small dinner party next weekend at my place and while I had a main dish figured out (ratatouille), the weather is promising to be very hot, which means I would rather not turn on the oven at all.
    So what’s your favourite thing to do for 4-6 people that doesn’t require cooking in the oven (stovetop is fine) and that isn’t grilling outside (which soooo many sites recommend but I just don’t have the means for)?

    1. Hlao-roo*

      My favorite summer/hot weather meal is an assortment of crackers, cheeses, cold cuts, fancy olives, and veggies and dip. Might be more casual than you want, but it won’t heat up your house at all.

      Another good option is any sort of stir-fry. You can choose which veggies and meats (if any) you want in the stir-fry. For a stir-fry, the veggies/meats are chopped into small pieces so it typically doesn’t take a long time to cook them on the stove.

      1. Mystery*

        Adding in mustards, jams, fruit, nuts, dried fruit can really make it substantial. Bonus points for easy work lunches.

      2. WestsideStory*

        Ratatouille is delicious cold!! And you can make it in advance! Add it to the crackers, cheeses etc. suggested by Halo-roo and it will be a splendid repast.

        1. Nicosloanica*

          I agree you can look at slow-cooker ratatouille recipes, I like to make it that way because of the depth of flavor (but I understand if you have a certain recipe you want to make, substitutes are unsatisfying).

      3. noname today*

        Steak cooked on the stove top, and then served cold. Steak salad, steak sandwich, cold steak and hot corn (cooked on the stove top) and a side salad.

    2. Healthcare Worker*

      Homemade chicken salad with croissants and crackers, fruit platter and broccoli salad. Easy to make ahead. it’s a little casual, though. You could also serve a stove top pasta, or cold ham (bake early in the morning).

    3. HannahS*

      Never done this exactly because I don’t eat charcuterie but David Leibovitz’s recent newsletter had a nice take on a French picnic:
      good bread
      pate (or vegan alternative)
      a few cheeses
      some sliced deli meats
      cornichons, olives, tomatoes
      hard boiled eggs
      fruit and a purchased pastry

    4. Two cents*

      I’m always a fan of a big, very substantial salat for dinner. Legumes and/or grains are a must for this–lentils, chickpeas, red kidney beans, farro, quinoa, buckwheat, etc. Then of course feta, parmesan, falafel, pan fried tofu, fish if you like that. And if it is dinner, especially for guests, I usually dress up the contents a bit more than I usually would, so I get out the nice marinated artichokes and the good olives, marinated beets, brown some
      nuts or seeds of some sort, anything I wouldn’t usually make the effort to put in. Pair with good crusty bread. It can be nice to have a build-your-own system, if you don’t know what people like. And now I’m hungry!!

      1. Dancing Otter*

        +1 to “build your own.”
        My throat started to close up just reading your list, but it sounds great if I could pick and choose the things that I could eat safely.

    5. Lissajous*

      My go-tos for stupidly hot weather are either a cold soba salad base with your meat of choice, or a European style potato salad (my preferred is potatoes, fennel, dill, capers, maybe some orange or a stone fruit for a sweet note, fried prosciutto, dress with a vinaigrette- no mayonnaise!) plus meat of choice on the side (highly likely to be a rotisserie chicken from the supermarket honestly). Both are mostly cold but with enough carbs to feel fed, and can have warm elements in them to feel more like a dinner.
      Quiche plus salad also good – can be made ahead to avoid using the oven day of.

    6. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      For dessert or a light side dish, maybe that yummy midwestern “salad” of drained mandarin orange slices, drained pineapple chunks, mini-marshmallows, and sour cream mixed together and refrigerated?

      For an easy stovetop meal, chicken sautéed in Pepsi is delicious. You can sprinkle some cinnamon, raisins, and apple chunks in there too if you want to be fancy and serve over rice.

    7. Chauncy Gardener*

      Perhaps several of the stir fries from the blog RecipeTin Eats? Her recipes are amazing and you can sub out the proteins for whatever you want. And rice and/or noodles on the side.
      And/or one of her Asian salads.
      Hope you have fun!

      1. Chaordic One*

        Thank you for mentioning this. It’s a really good site! I’ve bookmarked it and am very tempted to buy her cookbook.

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          I have completely stopped buying cookbooks because I’m trying so hard to lighten up my things, BUT, I bought Dinner, her first cookbook and pre-ordered her second!
          I cook out of Dinner, plus her blog, at least three times a week!
          Everyone who comes over and browses through Dinner (because it is always on my island) ends up buying it

    8. Not A Manager*

      Ratatouille only improves with a day or two in the fridge. If you like it for your party, maybe consider making it in advance when it’s cooler or when you don’t mind heating up your place for a little bit? I frequently serve it at room temperature, so you don’t even really need to re-heat it, but it does reheat very well covered in the microwave or on the stovetop.

    9. Jay*

      Sushi works nicely.
      So can flatbreads with various toppings. Sort of like a more formal version of cold pizza.
      Gazpacho and other cold soups.
      Yogurt parfaits. I’ve seen some very cool looking ones that are as much meal as dessert.

    10. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      Do you have a slow cooker?There are hundreds of things you can make in one. And then there’s my favorite no-cook summer meal, a tuna & white bean salad; I like to add colorful pepper slices, halved grape tomatoes,sliced fennel, shaved parmesan, and black olives, in a red pesto vinaigrette, served with crusty baguettes. Or there’s Salad Niçoise, the individual elements can be cooked the day before.

    11. goddessoftransitory*

      Spaghetti!

      I use Mark Bittman’s How To Cook Everything meat sauce recipe–it basically cooks itself since most the time it’s simmering. Then when you’re ready to eat, just boil up the noodles! Throw in a nice big salad and you’re set.

    12. carcinization*

      Paella immediately came to mind! I’ve made a bunch of different variations of it over the years. I think one that my friends especially appreciated was Milk Street’s Chicken & Bean Paella recipe, easily google-able. I haven’t had a paella pan since 2008 or so and paella is still great even without the special pan.

    13. Emma*

      Something where people can pick their own toppings – Smitten Kitchen’s Street Cart Chicken (in a cookbook, but you may be able to find a close version online) – delicious marinated chicken, chopped and cooked on stovetop, serve with rice, a yogurt sauce, tomatoes, and romaine. Our kitchen always gets smokey when I make it, but you could do the chicken in advance.

      Or tacos, with an assortment of toppings (like avocados, fun salsa, pickled peppers, cotija cheese, black beans, etc etc).

      yum!

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Similar – the Halal Cart Chicken from Serious Eats. So easy and so good.

      2. ThatGirl*

        I love a taco bar – it makes it so easy to customize and keep things allergy/dietary restriction friendly.

  24. Llellayena*

    Identity theft sucks! I fell for a “we’re your bank’s fraud center” call that was ridiculously convincing, right down to reading me my social security number and sending texts on the same text thread as legit texts from my bank. Caught the scam within a day and didn’t lose any money and now I and my bank are in clean-up mode. But it feels very like “shut the barn door after the horse is gone.” I’ve set up alerts with my bank and Experian (still need to get the other 2 credit report companies) but is there anything else specific I should be doing?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      This may be included in what you meant by alerts, but I specifically keep my credit frozen with all three agencies, and if I specifically need it then I can do an immediate 24-48 hour “thaw” with one or more of them very easily.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I have alerts from Experian that they offered for free after their breach, and I have my reports frozen in all three agencies.

      2. Harlowe*

        Agreed, alerts and freezes are not the same action. You need a freeze.

        They’re easy to lift when needed, so it’s not a hassle at all. I applied for a new CC and the service rep coached me through lifting the freeze for the credit check, then refreezing as soon as she was done. It took less than ten minutes.

      3. Llellayena*

        A quick look seemed like the freeze cost money. I haven’t had time for a deep dive to figure that out yet, but it’s on my to do list.

        1. ThatGirl*

          They don’t – by law the credit agencies have to offer them free – but it can be a pain to find the free options on the various websites. I had to do it about 18 months ago.

    2. Jamie Starr*

      Change your passwords — especially the one to your bank log in. And if you use that same password to log into other sites, change those too.

      If you had your bank account linked to any other companies/websites for autopay maybe go in and delete the bank info/break those links.

      I’m not sure if there is anything on the Soc. Security website where you can report identity theft, but might be worth looking.

    3. Fluff*

      I recommend changing your apple id password, google password, and or any cell phone type passwords (Verizon, etc.). Any passwords connected to the bank in some way. Make it a complicated sentence or so. “car2024” in nothing compared to “cheapassrollsstolemypassword2024” as a log in.

      Update passwords on major shopping sites or places where you may have “buy with one click” set up. If they have a fraud alert section, notify them.

      Consider moving most direct payment bills (utilities, monthly regular stuff) to a replacement credit card while you monitor your bank accounts. If you plop all those on one place, it may be easier to monitor for a few months.

      Good luck.

    4. illuminate*

      If anyone hadn’t heard, there was a massive data breach at a background check company called National Public data that has 2.9 billion records in it, including social security numbers, addresses, lots of other personal info, all released on hacker forums. This data may have come from that breach. I know I’m on high alert right now, it’s a lot. It’s okay not to blame yourself though- scammers work hard!

      2. Reebee*

        Yep. Froze my credit at all three bureaus due to that breach, and changed all my passwords to everything, which I’d been meaning to do, anyway.

        So worth the hassle.

        1. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

          That breach did not include passwords. It was all “offline” data. Addresses, SSN, phone numbers, etc.

    5. noname today*

      I fell for it too three years ago! Second the freezing of credit reports, password changing, etc. already mentioned (you can temporarily unfreeze when you need to for a loan, new cc etc.)

      Also I got rid of Venmo and the other money-sending apps as they tried to do that after my bank closed down access to the affected accounts through other means.

      Moving forward I only call the number I t he back of my card when I need to reach out to the bank/cc companies—never accept incoming calls/texts from them. If I get a message from what looks like my bank/cc company, I initiate the call and only use the number on the back of the card(s).

  25. Amber Rose*

    Has anyone ever had a cat just become afraid of everything? He hides in his litter box all of a sudden, all day and night. He’s terrified of every little sound and everything in the living room (upstairs isn’t even an option) and he doesn’t cuddle anymore. He’s also not eating much.

    A bunch of pricey vet visits and tests turned up early kidney disease and absolutely nothing else. He’s in good health for a 14 year old man (kidney disease being apparently a near inevitability in older cats). I’m at a loss.

    1. RussianInTexas*

      Did something scare him? Could there be neighborhood cats coming around to your back yard? Cats can be weird about these things.

      1. Amber Rose*

        That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out. But there doesn’t seem to be any obvious things, and I’m home nearly all day anyway since I’m unemployed right now.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          How long this been going on? I am asking because one of my oranges once decided that the living room floor is lava, for a couple of months. I have no idea why.

          1. Amber Rose*

            It has been about a month I think. We had a really bad heat wave for a week so when he started sleeping in the kitchen I figured he was trying to cool down on the tile. But then the heat wave ended and he just kept hiding.

    2. Harlowe*

      Check the house/apartment for possible weird noises. Smoke alarm batteries, dying appliances, HVAC thumping, water leaks, etc. Especially the floor he avoids.

    3. Two cents*

      If he is older, do you see signs of him losing his senses? Our cat is going blind, for example, and is Very Surprised about stuff she wouldn’t have been a couple years ago. Losing hearing is also a common one with age. The level and suddenness you’re talking about probably doesn’t point to that alone, unless there was some reason for sudden hearing loss etc…but it might be contributing to his reaction.

      Anecdotally, my parents’ cat had a sudden onset set of fears sometime when he was about two and we never figured out what happened. He went from kitten/young cat boldness to skiddish seemingly overnight. Suddenly hid from all guests in the house, often for hours or days after when before he was greeting folks, that kind of thing. My parents just ended up rolling with it (nothing else to do, really) and he got a little better with time, but is still on the skiddish end of the cat spectrum.

      1. Amber Rose*

        Senses were my first thought but he’s very sensitive to tiny sounds and tracks my finger well.

        I’m just gonna try a deep clean and electronics check but if it’s no go then I’ll do my best to make the kitchen a cozy kitty haven.

    5. Double A*

      Did you talk to your vet about antidepressants or anything? Sometimes cats get into a cycle of behavior and a course of mood medication can kind of break the cycle. This helped when my cat started over grooming (grief? anxiety?) after my other cat died. Put her on a course of kitty Prozac and it reset her behavior. The stimulus that caused the behavior could even be gone but they’re kind of stuck in a habit loop.

      1. Amber Rose*

        I do have that. Some kitty anti-anxiety meds and some appetite stimulants while we transition to what is apparently an unappetizing kidney diet.

        Still trying to figure out the best way to pill him, he’s very spicy about medicine and I only want so many scars. :P

        1. Two cents*

          If he eats, I HIGHLY recommend crushing up the pills and mixing them with food or a treat as an appetizer. Changed our lives with our kitty.

          1. 1LFTW*

            It’s definitely worth trying. That said, I have *never* had a cat where this actually works. Sigh.

            1. Cat person*

              I am still stunned to report that this works with my very, very, very anti-medical-care cat. The vet did tell me not to grind up the pills he’s on (definitely check with your vet about that, since it’s different for different meds), but I can cut them up. So I cut them, hide them in wet food and he eats them. The boy used to eat the pill pockets and leave the pills.

              When I was researching options, someone did tell me that they have a pill shooter that they put in their cat’s mouth and it sends the pill straight down their throat. But that does require getting the cat positioned with their mouth open and knowing my guy that would be a twice a day battle.

        2. TPS reporter*

          you could try pill pockets or squeeze up treats.

          I wonder if he’s going deaf and that’s unnerving? one of my cats went deaf and was freaking out because she couldn’t get her bearings. it took awhile for her too be comfortable. we always had to approach her very slowly.

    6. tabloidtainted*

      I wouldn’t assume it’s fear. That can also be a cat’s reaction to being in pain or feeling otherwise poorly. If you haven’t had a 2nd opinion vet, I might consider that.

    7. Not That Jane*

      I’m wondering if it could be the onset of kitty dementia? I agree with other commenters that possibly hearing or sight degeneration might cause this behavior, but I wonder about cognitive health? But, I have never had a cat who lived past ~11 (bad luck on our part) so I’m not as experienced with older cats.

    8. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      If he is in pain, he will try to hide from the (invisible) thing that is hurting him. Animals do hide the extent of any injuries, so might not limp eg if they landed badly jumping off something, but it sounds like your vet has checked all of his limb movements etc. My personal belief is that it’s worth trying a pain relief injection, to see if his behaviour changes – your vet may have good reasons for not suggesting that of course.
      I have had luck getting pills down my cat’s gullet with a bit of that irresistible paste followed by a fast pill and then a bit more paste, your mileage may vary!
      There is special irresistible cat food available from the vet which is made to overrides nausea, pain, anaesthetic reactions etc, if you get concerned re weight loss.
      If you can get hold of a piece of sheepskin, and put it in a cardboard box that is on its side, near the litter tray, he might find that a comforting hidey place. My best wishes to you both.

  26. Heffalump*

    A couple of weeks ago Captain5xa recommended CPAPtalk.com. I signed up, and I’ve gotten some good advice. Thanks for the suggestion!

  27. Broken scones*

    I’m a huge nerd and I love learning just for the sake of learning. Currently I’m close to completing an online certificate program and was already eyeing another one for editing and publishing (although I’m telling myself to calm down and take a break too, lol). Just out of curiosity, what are some cool/niche online programs you’ve seen for ongoing professional development? It can be from any area of interest–I’m talking anything from copywriting to business to astrology! Thank you in advance!

    2. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      The Google Analytics Academy is free and the gold standard in the online space.

      Would love to know the publishing/editing one you’re considering!

  28. Lizabeth*

    Traveling to Phoenix in Feb. for Quilt Con and have some questions about hotels. Seems like a lot of the downtown ones near the convention center don’t have airport shuttles (only hotels actually near the airport do – this doesn’t make sense to me) How is the light rail system to use? I am used to the NYC subways (pre-Covid tho) And how much are taxis? TIA

    1. Generic Name*

      Phoenix is very spread out. I’d guess downtown hotels don’t have airport shuttles because it’s not profitable for the hotels to run the shuttles. If you are used to NYC public transportation, prepare to be disappointed with Phoenix’s train system. Since you are going to a convention, I’d bet you aren’t the only person who needs transportation from the airport to the event location. I suggest going to the convention website and looking at the FAQs or a “getting to the convention” page. I traveled to phoenix for work recently, and I had to rent a car to get around.

    2. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      If the hotels are downtown the light rail should work for you. If it’s at one of the resorts or in Scottsdale, it probably won’t work and you’ll need to use taxis or Uber/Lift. I’m not sure how taxis are downtown, they are abysmal in other parts of the city (where I usually visit). I never use the bus system, but my family who lives there says it never works for where they are going. I tend to use Lyft/Uber.

    3. WellRed*

      I stayed at the kilmpton downtown and found the area fairly walkable as far as restaurants etc and of course the convention enter I was at for a conference. I took a cab too and from the airport and used rideshares a few times to get further outside the area (Phx botanical garden is nice).

    4. So Long and Thanks for All the Fish*

      The light rail system is easy to use for airport to a downtown hotel, but that’s mostly because there is only one line. The airport to downtown experience is convenient, if you are near Central Avenue and the convention center, which is primarily where the convention hotels are. The light rail station at the airport is easy to find, and the platforms and trains are fairly uncrowded. Downtown Phoenix is not a great area late at night but the platforms themselves are generally well-lit, and the trains tend to be on time.
      Fares are currently $2 one way and $4 for an all-day pass. If you are looking to do touristy things outside of the convention itself, you’ll almost certainly have to use a taxi or rideshare service, unless you want to be very limited in your options. I would generally expect to pay around $25-40 for a rideshare, depending on where you are going, unless it’s very close. I agree with others that the bus system here is not great.

    5. Grits McGee*

      I was in Phoenix in January and was unpleasantly surprised at how expensive the 10 minute airport taxi ride was ($40*) to my friend’s house. Google seems to indicate that taxi fares directly to “downtown” are a flat $17, but rideshare (with the upfront price) might be a better bet.

      *I often take 20-30 minute taxi trips from DC Union Station for only $25, which is what I was expecting to pay in Phoenix.)

  29. Red Sky*

    Thanks to everyone who shared their thoughts and experiences on air fryers vs microwave/air fryer combo units last weekend, your comments really helped narrow down what we are looking for based on our family’s needs, we’ve purchased a Ninja Foodi 2 Basket Air Fryer. I’m going to give it a test drive this afternoon with frozen chicken strips (gluten free) and tater tots to get a feel for how it works, I’ve also requested a couple of the air fryer cookbooks from my local library.

    What are your favorite, go-to air fryer recipes (especially gluten and dairy free) and do you have any hacks, tips or tricks to share?

    1. Laggy Lu*

      Chicken wings are my favorite. You don’t have to, but I take a “reverse sear” method to them, where I either smoke or sous vide them (but you could bake them at a low temp, like 225), and then toss them in the airfryer to crisp up.

      Similarly, SkinnyTaste has a recipe for chicken legs where you take the skin off, coat in bread crumbs (I use GF ones) and air fry them. I subbed almond milk for the butter milk and it was fine.

    2. Peanut Person*

      love my air fryer! my main tip is that while you’re getting used to this one, never follow the recommended time on a package/recipe. Always estimate a lower time until you understand the pattern for a specific item/recipe.

      I am on my 2nd air fryer (we had upgraded sizes), and I learned that the cooking times are not the same across different appliances and sizes, and certainly not the same as recipes give.

    3. Hyaline*

      I love air fryer potatoes—I just chop Yukon gold potatoes, skin on, into quarters or sixths, drizzle with olive oil, douse with salt, pepper, and Parmesan, and cook 15 minutes on 400.

  30. Laggy Lu*

    Hi Folks.
    This is for people with 2 or more dogs. I’d like to hear your experiences on adding the second dog. We adopted our Current Dog (CD) in January of last year. We had a bit of a rough start, since after having her for about 6 months, we found out she had heartworms (and probably had them since we got her). It took another 6 months to get her HW free. Since she’s feeling better, it’s abundantly clear to us, she needs a friend. It’s just her, my husband, and me (f).
    While we’ve each had dogs in the past, neither of us have had 2. When I met my husband, I had a dog, who had a complicated, but manageable relationship with my husband. We initially thought when we bought the house we now live in, we’d get another dog, but Former Dog decided he wanted to be an only dog.
    So here we are now, again thinking about adding a dog. Temperamentally, I am confident CD will be receptive to a friend. Her favorite things to do are play or cuddle. We obviously can’t do that 24-7. Also, mu husband works at his office 4-5 days per week. I am currently unemployed, and was WFH 4 days a week prior, but will likely have to work in an office 2-3 days per week when I start back up. So that is another reason we think getting her a friend is a good idea.
    So here is where I need advice. I feel like picking one dog is easy. It’s easy to meet, fall in love, and settle into a dynamic and a routine. Maybe I am over thinking it, but I worry about getting the right dog that is the right size for us (smaller than CD, so under 40 lbs), and has the right temperament to fit into our little family. I suggested we foster for a bit, until we find the right one, but my husband doesn’t want to. Besides the time commitment, he seems to think the first dog we meet that we like will just magically fit, and then he wouldn’t want to give the dog back. I think he’s being a bit naive about it. The local rescues do have programs where you can take a dog out of the shelter for a day, so that’s something we plan to do.
    Can anyone tell me about your experiences adding a second dog? What advice do you have?
    Thanks!!

    1. Generic Name*

      We had 2 dogs for a while, but it was basically so the old dog could help train/raise the new puppy. So the combo was an elderly male husky, who was very dominant but well past his prime and a female mixed breed puppy who is very submissive. The puppy of course adored her “big brother” and the old dog mostly tolerated the puppy. There actually were a few squabbles as the puppy got older and recognized that the old dog was declining, but he very definitively put her in her place. Thinking back, we never left the two of them unsupervised together. At the time, I worked at a dog friendly office, and took one or both dogs with me to work.

      I think your husband is having some magical thinking about the dogs just instantly meshing. Even dogs who generally like other dogs don’t like all dogs. And there will inevitably be a hierarchy that develops between the two of them. I would not combine two dominant male dogs in the same household, for example. I suggest having your current dog meet any potential new “siblings” at the shelter to assess how they react to each other at the very least. It’s one thing to have 2 cats who don’t get along living in the same house, but having two dogs who fight each other living together sounds like a nightmare.

    2. Rainy*

      It’s typically easiest to add an opposite sex dog to a household with an existing dog, and a younger dog if you can manage it–the older dog will take a puppy, even an older pup, under her wing in a way that she wouldn’t an adult.

      1. HoundMom*

        We usually have two dogs (but sometimes more). We have had opposite sex, two females and currently have two males and a female granddog who lives with us. We also have another granddog who visits once in a while. We have never had an issue with the pups getting along. But, we ask the rescue organization (where our pups come from) how the pups got along in the shelter, introduce the dogs for the first time outside and then have gates set up so the dogs can see each other and then slowly introduce each other. Our latest addition arrived after the loss of another pup that our resident dog loved, but they bonded quickly.

        Our resident grand dog is more of a challenge — so the intro is slower but over time she has accepted all visitors and newbies.

        We have never had a long term issue (the rabbits on the other hand…)

    3. Stars at night*

      If you have a shelter with a good reputation nearby, would you feel comfortable with that option? They can have behavioral specialists that can help match you with a personality in the new dog that compliments your current dog and you’ll have opportunities to have your current dog meet candidates in a controlled environment. We’ve done this twice and it’s been very successful. One time we also used a local trainer (we paid to know our dog and work with the staff) because we had a particularly anxious current dog we wanted to make a good match for.

    4. All Monkeys are French*

      We had two dogs for several years and I found it to be a lot. They got along, but had occasional scraps, so we had to manage that. It was also really difficult for one person to walk them both at once, so either my partner and I had to walk them together, or one of us did double duty.
      After they passed we waited several years before adopting again and I’m happy to keep him as an only dog. We go to the dog park and he goes to doggy daycare a couple days a week, so he gets dog social time. If you’re on the fence, maybe daycare or other activities might help your CD be active and social without making a full time commitment.

    5. MissB*

      We chose a puppy for our second dog, and our 2-yo pup was thrilled to have a puppy sibling. From the first time he met his new dog brother, he was in heaven. Three years later, they’re still best buddies.

      If I were bringing in a second dog that is an adult, then I’d go the foster dog route!

    6. Emma*

      I got a second dog who was a rescue – we basically had the 2 dogs meet at the rescue – the original dog I was interested in immediately growled at my dog, so we tried a different one, who did not growl. When we took new dog home, it took the dogs a few days to sort things out, but now they’re great. I’ve heard that with new pups, expect that the first 3 days will be wild, you’ll get a slightly better sense at 3 weeks, and then at 3 months they’re settled in.

      We did bring in a trainer for 1 session since dog#2 had horrible separation anxiety, and they also were able to give us some advice about 2 dogs, so I might pursue that if you encounter issues.

      But overall, after having 1 dog vs 2, we plan to always have 2 going forward. They’re pack animals, and it seems to really help.

      We’ve had success having boy/girl pairs (that’s what we always had growing up). I think same sex pairs can be harder, but I know people who have had it work, but might be worth reading up about. Good luck!!!!!

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      All my dogs have been female and, mostly coincidentally, both times the older one has been 7 years old when I brought home an 8 week old puppy. The Elder Statesdog (now gone beyond) was always very chill and laid back, and had been an only dog from 3 (when I originally adopted her) to 7. She was very quick to adapt to the Junior Ambassador – they were cuddling under my desk the very next morning, and I have some really entertaining pictures of the Statesdog wearing the Ambassador as a hat. She passed about three years ago, and we were a one dog house for about six months before I brought the baby woofapotamus home.

      The Ambassador, when her turn came, was much more high strung and resistant to change. She still hasn’t really become buddies with the woofapotamus, who just turned 2.5 yesterday, but they mostly get along peacefully – they’ll hang out in the same room and even on the same sofa but not like, cuddling. (They do both behave noticeably differently if the other isn’t home for some reason.)

  31. Girasol*

    Two completely unrelated questions for the commentariat:

    1) Has anyone tried to freeze credit with Transunion lately? I can only get “there’s a problem at our end, try again later” messages. Experian and Equifax went fine.

    2) I seem to have a problem with being the contact person for school kids. I get automated messages about skipped classes, no shows, and detentions. I’ve been chewed out by a school nurse for failing to pick up a sick kid promptly. But I don’t even know these kids. I still wonder if it’s coincidence that phone numbers are mistyped so often or if kids are intentionally giving incorrect numbers so that Mom isn’t called when they skip out. Is it just me?

    1. fposte*

      I don’t have an answer but would love to hear more about your scolding from the nurse. Did they at least accept that you weren’t the person, or do you think they just believed you were a truly terrible parent?

      1. Girasol*

        At first she was pretty sure I was an awful mother. She left me an angry voicemail and when I called the school, read me the riot act. I told her I wasn’t the Julie’s mother and she said, “well, whatever your relationship, you NEED TO PICK HER UP NOW.” I finally convinced her that I really didn’t know the kid. When she understood, she was nice about it. She got me out of the system, too. I hadn’t been able to do that because I couldn’t tell the school admin Julie who, and “Julie who’s always cutting class” wasn’t enough to go on. I had gotten so many automated calls about her truancy that I would have thought everybody knew Julie.

    2. Generic Name*

      On number two, it should be the parent who enters in their contact info to the school for notification purposes, so it’s likely they mistyped the number. I suppose a smart middle schooler or high schooler who has access to their parent’s online account with the school could theoretically put in a dummy number. I would look for the school districts IT general number and call them and explain the problem and see if they can delete your number from the system. Or at least tell the school administrators it’s a wrong number in their system and they need to update their records.

    3. Clisby*

      I just froze my Transunion Credit – Experian and Equifax were already frozen. I don’t recall any difficulties – if anything Transunion was easier.

    4. WellRed*

      I’m guessing the phone number is on file at the school and it’s wrong, not that kids are giving a wrong number every time.

    5. RussianInTexas*

      Yes, and after fighting the website for two days, I called TransUnion. 40 minutes hold, but I did get to a human rep.

    6. DefinitiveAnn*

      Just froze credit yesterday. Transunion web site spun and spun and would not load. I went back and then forward and it was frozen just fine. Probably a lot of unusual activity just because of the NPD breach.

    7. osmoglossom*

      Transunion has been a pain in the ass to freeze for years. I don’t know what their problem is.

    8. Rick Tq*

      Regarding the Transunion web site not behaving: try turning off add blockers for that site, it may be trying to open a popup and failing.

      I got caught by the ad-blocker issue when I tried to redeem a Visa Gift Card.. Everything worked fine as soon as I disabled Brave Shields.

    9. Esprit de l'escalier*

      A couple of months ago I wanted to temporarily lift my TransUnion credit freeze and got that same message. (And had gotten it previously as well.)

    10. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      #2 It took me months to resolve that the school district had added a 3rd child to my household who was using my kid’s lunch money system. Honestly the only way to fix things like this is to make yourself a big of a pain in the butt as this is. Which means calling the school principal every single time it happens. And escalating it.

    11. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      Clear your cookies on your browser OR delete the cookie specifically for TransUnion. Refresh/re-open the browser and navigate back to TransUnion to log in. This should help reset everything and hopefully get rid of that message if it’s just you and not a larger server outage. Good luck!

  32. slowingaging*

    Hummus success. When google doesn’t provide the answer. Ask the blog. Thanks for the suggestions. I kinda sorta mixed them all together? I did try to peel the chickpeas. I used the pinch method from Smitten Kitchen and the first one shot out of my hand and across the kitchen. I didn’t have tahini, but I had a 6 oz jar of sesame seeds. I lightly roasted and then followed a recipe from Inspired Taste. I accidentally used the idea of ice cubes, because I used frozen lemon juice I had. Essentially it was chickpeas, tahini, avocado oil, water from the can, lemon juice, pink salt, red pepper flakes. I think it tastes great. Thanks so much. I do plan in the future to use an extra ice cube idea.

    1. allathian*

      Yay!

      I’m meh on shop-bought hummus, but freshly made it’s great. I’m far too lazy to bother, though…

  33. Elizabeth West*

    I need to borrow some of Alison’s cats — the damn mice are back. I was in the kitchen the other night and turned around just in time to see one shoot across the floor between the stove and the register behind the table. My neighbor called, and she saw some too. No poo or any intrusions into dry goods noticed, but blecch!

    Clearly we missed some holes when maintenance came in here to plug them up. Neither I nor my neighbor had any trouble until they remodeled that nasty apartment beneath me. Apparently all the mice in the building were hanging out there because of the mess. I emailed for maintenance to come back and go through the kitchen — I have foam and steel wool, but why should I have to do it???

    With any luck, I’ll find a job that pays more so I can move! But I’m wondering if we should poll everyone else and all get together and demand they hire an exterminator. I doubt anything will happen, though; the landlords are cheap as hell. What do you think?

    1. Rainy*

      Oof–yeah, I’d see if you can get maintenance to get an exterminator. In the meantime, snap traps, alas.

      Do you have a friend with a terrier or other small ratter breed you could borrow?

        1. Rainy*

          If I were in your area I’d bring Mulder over! Alas, we are on the point of moving *even farther* from the east coast :P

            1. Rainy*

              We’re in college-owned housing for the next year or two but we’re hoping to be able to buy a house and get a second dachshund after that and current front runners for names are Scully, Minogue, or O’Leary, depending on sex and personality. I hold in reserve Langly, Frohicke, and Byers. :)

    2. Sitting Pretty*

      Even if you do hire an exterminator, either on your own or through the building, they will have the same issue. I had a relentless mouse infestation a few years ago. The exterminator did his best, but until someone figures out exactly how the mice are getting in, all traps and poisons are only going to create a brief pause in the action.

      It took some major excavation and lots of trial-and-error to find the points of entry in my place. Had to rip toe-kicks out from under counters, move appliances, root around in the HVAC and laundry closets. Eventually we found two tiny portals: one around an outlet behind the oven where they had chewed through the drywall, and another waaaaay back against the back wall just above the floor under a kitchen cabinet. Once we repaired those holes with wood blocks and new drywall, the problem went away.

      I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. Mice are persistent little buggers!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        THEY CERTAINLY ARE

        I’m guessing because of the little stinker’s determined path that we missed openings in the area of the register and behind the stove. I thought we plugged the stove’s electrical hole pretty well, but maybe he squeezed through somehow. When this happened before, I looked inside all the cabinets and found nothing, so it has to be those two places. I will have them pull out the dishwasher too, just in case. My trash bin is metal and has a foot pedal-operated lid, so they can’t get in there.

        I did find a space between the baseboards in the bedroom corner and foam-blocked that myself, but I never found any poo in there either. In the meantime, I think tomorrow I’m going to pull out the furniture and crawl around myself and see if there is anything else.

        In a way, it was almost funny — I could imagine the mouse lurking under the stove going, “Shit, the human’s in the kitchen…the light is on…dammit, I need to get back to the missus or I’m gonna be in trouble….aaahh, I’m going for it!”

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          You have a new novel to write once this is over!

          And yes, those little buggers can get through ANYTHING. It’s like they have no bones!

          1. Rainy*

            I used to have pet rats, and one of the things you have to take into account in designing or buying enclosures is that rodents, no matter how plump they are otherwise, can get their bodies through anything their skull will fit through. Basically everything else about their little bodies can be shuffled around as long as the skull goes, and adult mice can cram their skull through a hole the size of a dime!

    3. Jay*

      Costs vary by location and building specifics, but it can actually be more cost effective to have pest control come in on a regular schedule for preventative care than to put out fires one at a time.
      The potential savings could appeal to a cheap landlord.
      Other than that, what everyone else says:
      Find the holes and plug them up. I swear by foam, personally, but your mileage my vary. I usually toss several of those poisoned bait bricks behind the hole before I foam it shut, in the hopes that anything coming back drags the food back to the main nest.
      That seems to be working for me so far, as I’ve not had a mouse in a year or so, I think.
      The thing we found that was attracting the mice to our building was people on the top floors feeding the birds.
      They would dump the old birdseed out their windows, over the fire escape. This, in turn, attracted huge numbers of field mice to the small grassy area behind the building. They established a large colony all based on dumped birdseed. From there the colony spread into the crawlspaces, maintenance areas, and service access points. These were much less used than the rest of the building and allowed them to access the really hard to get to, sealed off areas that even the exterminators can’t access.
      They used the heating system to move up and down the building and set up shop in every apartment where people didn’t seal their pet food properly. From there they hit all the rest of the apartments.
      I reverse engineered this from talking with maintenance and the exterminators.
      The long and short of it was this: You could keep one apartment more or less vermin free with great effort (just never, ever do anything that they might consider tempting, set out precautionary traps, and deal with the slightest sign of them immediately), but until all of the different areas you have no control over are completely sterilized of all mice and the issue that attracted them in the first place is solved and cleaned up after, they will just keep coming back. There is no other way to stop this.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I don’t like using poison because of the birds and other animals. Plus, I tried the bricks already and they blew those off completely like, “Lol, no.” They blow off the traps, too. Or else they don’t like peanut butter, which I always heard was a sure thing.

        When I took the trash out yesterday, I noticed we got a new dumpster. The old one had big holes in the bottom, thus letting RATS run in and out of it (I’ve seen them outside — Boston is the thirteenth rattiest city in the country, so I expected they’d be around). This one has no holes (yet). But that won’t solve the mouse problem if the mice are already inside the building. I assume they’re in the other building too.

        At least it’s only mice. I hope the new dumpster will encourage the rats to move on and not join the mice in gallivanting through the human spaces!

    4. goddessoftransitory*

      This is a health and legal issue-it’s illegal not to deal with vermin infestation. (You do NOT WANT HANTAVIRUS.) Absolutely demand this be taken care of by professional exterminators!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Yeah, I really don’t want that. Especially since I may have a serious health issue (or not; I’m not sure yet) that will compromise my immunity.

        Not sure of the law here, but I imagine maintenance going in to seal up holes counts as dealing with it. They can’t very well tent the building — I doubt anyone living here can afford a hotel for a week. I sure can’t, especially now.

    5. Alex*

      I also had my first mouse of the season this week :( My landlords are actually very responsive, but really, it’s VERY hard to get rid of mice, even with professional exterminators. They basically just come around with traps and/or poison, and plug up any holes they find (my landlord sent two guys to do plugging with steel wool last year, and they did it but the mice are smarter I guess!)

    6. Nancy*

      The landlord will need to get someone to come in for the entire building and to find the entryway from outside. The exterminator also needs to look behind cabinets and appliances, in closets, etc. You should also block the space between the front door and the floor, and make sure to keep all food in sealed containers thar cannot be chewed. Mice are a common problem because all they need is a tiny opening to get inside.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Ooh, good idea. I think they probably have them at Home Depot.
        I always wanted some uraniumware! :) I could never afford it, though. It’s expensive!

    9. KJ*

      Yes – get your neighbors together and continue to press your landlord. But get traps for your unit as well. Get some snap traps (I like the Victor wooden snap traps and the plastic Tomcat snap traps; both are very easy to set up). Bait them with some peanut butter and place them around the perimeter of your apartment – have the bait side face the walls, the mice like to run against walls. I’d recommend placing them near any radiator/heat grills as well. Toss and/or reset as needed.

      I live in MA as well and have lived in some old buildings. While our building has stayed on top of pest problems, I always have a stash of traps in my closet, just in case.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I have some Tomcat snappers and they’re out, with PB in them. Mice are like, “Pfffft!”

        1. KJ*

          Good – keep on it! They are sneaky, so just be persistent. If one spot doesn’t seem to work, try another – you’ll get ’em eventually. Rodents are frustrating (I still shudder when I remember the time we had a flying squirrel infestation) and really the best advice is to give them no quarter – and keep on your landlord.

    10. Indolent Libertine*

      When we had to deal with exterminators at a previous home, for roof rats in the detached garage, the guy said that rats can get through openings the size of a quarter and for mice it’s the size of a dime. So sorry you’re dealing with this!

      But definitely get the landlord involved; it’s their legal responsibility in pretty much every jurisdiction to maintain premises that are free of vermin.

    11. Elizabeth West*

      THANK YOU EVERYONE

      I did some crawling around in spaces we didn’t really check last time and steel-wooled/foamed the heck out of some cracks and crevices. I want the maintenance guys to move the stove again, and the dishwasher so we can check behind there.

      I haaaaaaate this. But if I owned a home, I could still have the same problem. I might talk to some other tenants and see if they’ve had any issues and if they want to get together and say something.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I would get together, if only because until every single unit is checked, this problem will persist.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I wanna job that pays better than the other one so I can move to a mouseless apartment with an elevator! D’:<

  34. Fashionista*

    I’m a teen in foster care. Until now I haven’t had much control over what I wear, but I recently was able to get an after-school job so I now have a small budget for upgrading my wardrobe. I want to look less like a charity case (which I know I do now) and more like a put-together person. The thing is I’m not very visual and I don’t have a natural fashion sense, and I also don’t really have anyone to go to for fashion advice. And before you tell me youtube, my foster mom controls my internet access pretty strictly (aam is allowed because it’s to prepare me for a job lol). So basically I have some questions, but also I don’t know what I don’t know. What goes with what, what definitely doesn’t go with what, how do I tell what suits me, that kind of thing. Can anyone give me general fashion advice along those lines? Thanks!

    1. RMNPgirl*

      In terms of what suits you, that’s something you’ll have to figure out yourself because everyone is different. It can be really fun to try things on and see what feels and looks good. It’s hard to describe but for me if I put on something that just doesn’t feel like me, it’s noticeable.
      For basic put together outfits you can go with basic pants (even jeans that fit well are good) or skirts and plain shirts. I like at Target, you can get plain short and long sleeved shirts in a multitude of colors for not much money. I prefer the men’s shirts because they’re better quality and cheaper than the women’s, Goodfellows is the brand I get. Obviously sizing is a bit different but once you find the right size you can get a few shirts that you can pair with pants/skirts.

    2. WestsideStory*

      First, what kind of part-time job is it? Is it casual enough you can wear jeans, or will be working in an office or shop or other professional setting? (I had an afternoon job in a law firm when I was in high school, so I know that’s possible at your age).

      If casual – 2-3 pairs of jeans you can alternate (dark wash, light wash) the most professional looking are trouser type, no rips or fussy details. Cotton polo shirts in various colors for most days. Try website of L.L. Bean which offers a good range of sizes, to imagine what your basic kit would look like. (Men’s and Women’s styles) You can also get a print catalog mailed to you by requesting one by phone or on their website, to use as a look book.

      If the site leans to pro, instead of jeans you will get a LOT of milage out of one black trouser pant that fits you perfectly (get alterations if need be) and you can re-wear with a variety of shirts. Colorful polos will still work in most places, you may have to get button-downs if that is the vibe. Add more dark colored pants as you can afford them, perhaps a skirt (?) and different tops – if you are going in every day, aim for 5 different ones you can put in the wash on the weekends. To start out.

      Once you are working, see how the other folks dress and use that as inspiration.

      For accessories, a quality coat and scarves (for both men and women) will take you through the fall. Thrift stores and flea markets are your best bet, as you won’t want to spend a lot, so you can save for a quality item in a classic style.

      I hope this helps. (see below)

      1. WestsideStory*

        I can’t resist this nostalgia item: this was the Basic Wardrobe for “career girls” when I was coming up, and it’s still pretty useful:

        1 Black Skirt in a medium weight fabric (“feel a gaberdine!”)
        1 Black trouser (same) that made you feel fabulous every time
        1 white long-sleeve button-down shirt (the second one would general be blue)
        1 long-sleeve cashmere or wool blend cardigan in a flattering solid color
        1 pair gold hoop earrings
        1 nice-looking watch
        1 pair black pumps with a modest heel that are comfortable to walk in
        1 shoulder bag big enough to hold your stuff
        1 colorful silk (or silk-looking) scarf
        1 black leather-look belt with a gold buckle (reversible belts
        Assorted tops bought at the Gap or JC Penney or similar shop in different solid colors (black turtlenecks, short sleeve tees

        The trick was to keep switching the skirt or the pant all week, until you could afford to buy other classic items. Coats were bought at thrift and accessories were plastic and cheerful.

        One only needed a classic pair of jeans and a colorful loafer for the weekend and that’s how you packed for your new life in Manhattan, back in the day!

        1. WestsideStory*

          There was a men’s version – except as I recall the suiting was dark blue, the shoes and belts were “oxblood” (dark red color) and instead of a cardigan, there was a blue sport coat and a tie rather than a scarf!

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        A good coat is definitely worth the money–spend the time and effort to find one the right weight and style for you.

      3. nnn*

        I don’t think she’s looking for work clothes, the job is only mentioned because it’s what makes it possible for her to buy clothes.

        But also for a teenager, I think you’ll want fashion advice from people closer in age, the advice you’re getting here is skewing a lot older. Do you have any friends whose look you like or who are into clothes? They would be great to talk to.

        1. Generic Name*

          I agree with this. Also, a wardrobe filled with neutral basics is just fine if that fits your vibe, but I’m 45 and it took me a long time that I don’t like any of the “neutral classics” that my mother and every magazine told me I’d need. I see the girls at my son’s high school wearing sweats and crocs these days. Nails and nail art are in. Kinda pointy ovals in shape (not squared off).

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’m someone who prefers to make minimal effort for clothing. What has worked for me is starting with black pants because almost any top works with them. I have several pairs. They’re not jeans, so I can wear them in either a casual or dressier context. Plus they don’t easily show dirt and I can wear them for a couple days in a row which saves money having to buy more.

      I can relate to your comment about not having good fashion sense. When I had to upgrade my wardrobe for a new job, I didn’t know where to start. While I was sometimes able to take a friend with me who helped me, I have also gone alone and gotten advice from the sales staff. I’ve started with something I liked, and then the person who worked there suggested things that could go with it. That’s worked well.

      I second the recommendation for Target. Their clothes are inexpensive and they have a lot of variety.

      1. Shiny Penny*

        Black pants!
        When I started my first office job, I thought I should have different pants of distinctly different colors. Over time, I ended up just wearing 3 pairs of nearly identical black pants because it was so much easier! I could have saved money skipping the other colors.
        (I’m not into fashion— I just want Easy and Socially Acceptable/Unremarkable lol.)
        With black pants I could wear tops of any color, and look fine.

        Re fabrics: weirdly, for office jobs, non-cotton fabrics read “professional” more easily than cotton fabrics. It’s just a convention? I ended up going with rayon “t-shirt shaped” tops with scarves. So I had basically “a uniform” and didn’t have to think very much about what to wear (a win for me).

        For retail (or just less formal jobs I guess) cotton polo shirts seem easy and not too expensive? Then cotton pants would be a common pairing.

        If you have a problem with pet hair or general static attaching debris to your pants, then a neutral khaki color might be better than black, depending of the pet hair color. I just used a lint roller before I walked out the door. In my experience polyester is the worst for static so I avoid it totally.

        Also fyi, people with larger busts routinely struggle with the fit of button up shirts, in case that applies. I wish I’d just skipped even trying to make those work. Could have saved money there, too, lol.

        Good luck to you!

    4. Still*

      That’s so great that you get to take some control over your wardrobe and figure out what you like!

      You say you’re not very visual but I’d try to spend a few days specifically paying attention to what the people around you are wearing and how you like it, and try to pinpoint why.

      Something looks great? Is it the colours? The cut? The pure confidence? Is it something you could see yourself wearing or does the person have a completely different style/colouring/body shape and what looks good on them would probably not work for you? Is there some element of the outfit that you would like to replicate?

      If you don’t like someone’s look, what is it that’s not working? Knowing what to avoid is also important.

      It’s hard to pinpoint those things if you’re not used to thinking about them, but I find that it can really help.

      Have you ever had a specific piece of clothing you liked and felt good in? What made it work for you?

      You can usually also get some help in a store if you can find a friendly shop attendant, though that might depend on your location.

      1. 1LFTW*

        Seconding the advice to take a view days for observation. Full disclosure: I’m an art teacher, so I’m always encouraging people to spend more time really *looking at* the world, and I’ve taught a number of people who think they “aren’t really visual”. Chances are, it’s a matter of practice.

        This might be more fun for you if you can enlist the help of a friend. Do you know someone whose look is always well put together? That’s a good person to ask for advice, because they probably enjoy thinking about this stuff and shopping for it. That’s what I did when I was in high school, and it definitely helped, because my mother’s advice was only useful if I wanted to “dress for success”.

        Congrats on the job, and good luck!

      1. carcinization*

        I was so sad to hear that I was a “winter” when I was a child, especially because the cousins I was hanging out with were “summers” and that sounded like so much more fun! Haven’t heard about this type of “seasonality” of people since the 80s!

      2. Vincent Adultman’s assistant*

        Congrats on the job, Fashionista!! It sounds like you’re going through a lot right now but you also have a good head on your shoulders and you’ll be able to get through all of this!

        Like nnn said above, I think looking towards your peers as far as fashion inspiration is a good jumping off point. On the one hand it seems like (to me), todays fashion trends for teens are very much “if you like it, then it’s ’In’“ (compared to more rigid trends in previous decades). But I’m considered an elder millennial and a few of the recs in this thread were pretty dated even when I was a teen*. Again, if someone loves it and feels comfortable in it, great! But just wanted to add my vote to “see what your classmates are wearing to class and if you don’t hate all of it, start from there.”

        *if anyone is curious:
        —getting your colors done.
        —The Manhattan wardrobe (not super dated in the way that like, early 1980s Madonna would be if she showed up in 2001 but as soon as I read that list of office wear clothing and then got down to the weekend loafers, I was like “this is a very specific point in the early to mid-90s and I can hear the Express and ESPRIT store registers ringing those purchases up in my mind while accompanying my Gen X big sister to the mall”).

      3. Roseberriesmaybe*

        As a kind of add on to this (as you said, your internet access is restricted so you might not be able to read that blog) – it kind of breaks down to warm colours and cool colours. Warm colours are like oranges, yellows, browns, tan and often look better on people with warm facial colouring (freckles, olive skin tone, red hair etc). Cool colours are blues, navy, greys etc. Someone with cool colouring might have dark brown or black hair. People of any race can be any colouring eg dark skin can have yellow (warm) or blue (cool) undertones.
        Basically if you know whether you prefer (or look better in, if you want that as a starting point) a certain colouring, other colours in the same palette will go with that. Let’s say you’re drawn to an emerald green top. This is a cool colour so other cool shades will go with that – navy, black or grey trousers for instance, would ‘go’ better with the emerald green than khaki trousers would. And then other cool colours will match that and you can build a matching wardrobe from there. It might not be the most fashionable to start with but if funds are limited it is at least useful to have things which go cohesively together. I hope this is helpful

    6. AnonyOne*

      One of the most important things for looking put together is to have some neutral “basics” (jeans/pants – or skirt depending on your preference, t-shirt, sweater).
      Most of us have a tendency to go shopping, get excited about the cool-looking or pretty thing, buy various different fun pieces and then get home and have trouble figuring out what to wear because nothing really goes together.
      The thing that makes the biggest difference is usually having some solid basics that you can either wear with each other, or wear with that fun/cool/colourful thing you picked up.
      For your basics, I would probably start with a pair (or two if you can afford that) of jeans/trousers (or a skirt if that is your preference). You could buy them in black, or go with classic blue denim (light or dark wash). Your goal is to get something you would be comfortable wearing with pretty much anything else – a plain white t-shirt, a button up shirt, a more fun top to go to a party. Assuming you are female – avoid ultra low rise jeans or pants, they are having a moment right now but probably won’t be cool any more in a few months’ time. I would probably go with mid-rise (high waisted have been in for the past several years but with ultra low rise coming back, high waisted is likely to start looking less cool). Try to get something that fits you well around the waist/hips. You can decide if you are more comfortable in skinny jeans/straight leg/wide leg.
      If we then think about tops – I would look to pick up a one or two fairly neutral (ie black/white/or another colour that is not too strong, and without crazy patterns on it) t-shirts/tank tops because again these are clothes that you want to go with everything – so if you have some colourful pants or want to layer your outfit with a shirt or jacket, you have something that goes with that extra piece.
      Wearing oversize clothes top and bottom is a look and some people like it, but it is harder to make it look pulled together. If you want to do oversize on top, it is often easier with more fitted bottoms, similarly, if you want over-sized pants, it is often easier with a more fitted top. Think about this for everything you buy at first – this comes back to the issue of getting home and nothing goes together – if you know you like wide-leg pants and don’t want to do a totally oversized look, don’t buy oversized tops (at least until you can grow your wardrobe a bit) because you won’t have any pants you want to wear them with.
      Also, I am not saying you shouldn’t have fun with your wardrobe, but for starting out, if you can invest in some a pair of neutral jeans/pants and a couple of neutral tops, that can make it easier to add those other more fun bits into your wardrobe because you have something to wear them with. If after that you see, say a hot pink polka dot skirt that you love, you can probably wear it with your white t-shirt/tank top, or if you see a fluorescent green crop top that you love, you can wear it with your black/blue jeans (if you start by buying the pink polka dot skirt and then buy the fluorescent green crop top, and now you have to wear them together, it’s going to be harder to make it work)

      1. Rosyglasses*

        I really second this advice- build a base of more neutral classic clothing (dark wash jeans are a good base and can read as more smart casual), black, white, navy and tan tops – either tees or sweaters, and then for something more “trendy” look at accessories. You’ll tend to look more put together if you stick to one or two colors in your outfits including shoes and purse — but a lot of wearing clothes is the confidence you have which comes from feeling good about what you have put together. I’d also say that your style will probably change but as another commenter added — look at what you really like about what others wear, but also pay attention to body types similar to yours as the clothes will hang differently if they are (for example) much less curvy and you are much more curvy.

    7. SofiaDeo*

      If looking at “historical websites” are OK, perhaps look at how fashion has evolved & changed. People wear certain “styles” because they like them, and often because what those styles may convey. What’s considered “appropriate” for business is often covered, that ay be the way to get it allowed. You are researching what professional women wear. You’ll get ideas for basic color and fabrics, and can see how the teens around you apply the “mixing and matching” for ideas of more modern things.

      I’m not sure what you are wearing now, so IDK why you think your clothing makes you look like a “charity case.” Part of the problem/challenge of being a teenager, is a balance between “fitting in with your peers” so you don’t get ostracized/bullied, and developing your own sense of “style”; feeling happy & comfortable with your clothing choices, regardless of what others think.

      A huge, huge thing that is often very difficult to do, even for adults, is to “project confidence”. This is difficult to do, even for people with confidence. A gang of kids teasing/sneering at you, teasing you about how you look, is hard to ignore. But if you can *act* like you don’t care what others say (even though deep down you do), you are faking it (confidence) til you make it. Remember many applauded for their “street style” are just projecting confidence in whatever combination of clothing they put on. This is how many “trends” get started; someone decides to do something different, and acts really confident about their choice.

      If your clothes are clean, mended, and fit reasonably well, you’ll look good. See if foster mom is willing to spring for sewing classes, or for you to research sewing online. It’s a useful skill, and clothing that you can tailor a bit *to fit you well* is the big secret behind many put-together people.

      An inexpensive way to show your individuality with basic clothing, is to look at accessories. When I first started working, I got used silk scarves to wear with my basic shirts & sweaters. Maybe you would prefer bracelets, or earrings, or hair ornaments/clips.

      1. Frank’s toupee*

        “ I’m not sure what you are wearing now, so IDK why you think your clothing makes you look like a “charity case.” ”

        With the caveat that I’m not currently a teenager and I don’t have direct experience with the foster system but I had A LOT of experience with hand-me-down clothes as a kid in a family where money was very tight all the time (and we’re talking hand-me-downs by 10-plus years so nothing I wore was ever really in style).

        So *IME* only “charity case” COULD maybe mean stuff like: clothes not fitting well/right (especially if they’re too big). They’re faded or have pilling. There are a lot of wrinkles. Stuff isn’t mixy-matchy when it maybe should be mixy-matchy. It is noticeably dated (yes, Clueless-era outfits are In right now but if I time traveled back to, 1995 and grabbed a few other random outfits to bring back to 2024, a fair amount of them would stick out and not necessarily in a good way). Clothes have tears, stains, or holes, even if minor.

    8. Cardboard Marmalade*

      This is not really the advice you asked for, I’m so sorry, but I have a background of working with folks who have gone though the foster system and I do want to say that just based on that, I want to encourage you to make sure you have a good chunk of money stashed in a high-yield savings account or something like that for when you age out. Not everyone experiences a sudden lack of financial support when that happens, but it never hurts to be prepared. If you do decide to save up for a while first, you can kill two birds with one stone by intentionally going to browse at stores that are WAY out of your budget. They will often have staff who are going to be more interested in giving advice and helping you understand what shapes/cuts/colors suit your look and your life. If you feel self-conscious about going in without the intention to buy, you can always try just being slightly more upfront about your finances and maybe say that you are just looking now but would like to find one or two nice pieces to save up for.

    9. Dark Macadamia*

      Are you specifically looking for work outfits or school/casual ones? It sounds like you probably can’t use things like Pinterest for inspiration so maybe real life – who are some classmates that have a “put together” look and what do you like about them? Don’t copy their whole style but pay attention to things like if all your favorite outfits have the same type of pants, fitted vs loose tops, specific accessories etc.

      Very broadly – clothes that fit well look better than clothes that don’t. One thing that might be contributing to the “charity case” vibe is if things are too big/small for you, so just getting things that you’ve tried on and seen how they fit will be an improvement even if it’s not super stylish! Also paying attention to wash instructions and hanging stuff to dry whenever possible will help the fabric look nice longer.

    10. Anono-me*

      You sound very level headed.
      I am not vey fashionable, but I can pull off put together. Here is what I learned:

      1. Be truthful with yourself about ironing. If it needs ironing and you won’t iron it, just put it back. Wrinkles don’t look put together.

      2. Make sure that your clothes fit well. You want something nether too snug or too loose.

      3. Keep your clothes nice. Wash as much as you can on the gentle cool cycle and avoid the dryer. (See if you can use or have a drying rack.) Use the appropriate pretreatment on any stains (Google is tour friend. ) Replace any missing buttons and stitch up any seams and hems that are coming undone.

      4. Classic pieces are ones that you can wear almost anywhere and for years while stll looking great. Other people have made lots of great recommendations about how to buildthat wardrobe. I will just say the a nice fitted dark wash pair of jeans (probably in the middle 1/3 between straight and skinny) with a solid color top, a simple gold or silver necklace and ballet flats usually looks good most places.

      5. Choose clothes that you actually like. If you don’t feel good about wearing something, you won’t look good wearing ironing either.

      6. Keep your hair and nails maintained with neutral colors and please try to find a hair style that flatters your face and is low maintenance.

      I’m glad things have settled down for you and wish you a brilliant future.

      1. Still*

        The ironing comment is so important! Some clothes are just going to look terrible without it and it’s good to be realistic about whether or not that’s likely to happen.

        On the flip side, a lot of casual clothes can look better if you take the time to iron them. A simple t-shirt will drape more nicely if you iron it. So if you have access to an iron, simply ironing your tops might go a long way to looking more put together.

        And I agree that the fit is very important! Specifically, I always check the shoulder seams. They should sit at the edge of your shoulder bones, where the shoulder meets the arm. That won’t be the case for a lot of “relaxed”, “oversized”, “boyfriend” tops, but a good quality t-shirt fitting at the shoulders and without wrinkles can make you look like a movie star, somehow looking fabulous even when running errands.

      2. Anono-me*

        I’m sorry. I assumed you were a young woman, if you are a young man , some dark jeans with a button down shirt, and deck shoes would be a similarly versatile outfit.

    11. BellaStella*

      In terms of work clothes if you are working in an office or retail public facing role a capsule wardrobe of 2 white t shirts and 2 black t shirts, a butto down shirt maybe, 2 pairs of slacks maybe in tan and black, one skirt, comfy loafers shoes and a nice button front sweater and a blazer should work. Target or Old Navy type stores are good. A nice belt and scarf help put things together. Agree with looking at how others are dressed for models. Slowly building a set of clothes over time will be fun! There re lots of sites online on budget capsule wardrobes too. Good luck!

    12. raised by wolves*

      I was you.
      For those who don’t know what looking like a charity case is, for me:
      A girl.
      Everything first worn by someone else and making do.
      T-shirts that I have no connection with the images.
      Faded and patched jeans.
      white tube socks, one size fits all. Underwear worn until shreds. Fake nikes 1/2 size too big or 1/2 size too small because that is what Kresges had in stock or boys converse when it wasn’t cool. yes, there was bullying.
      Someone’s discard frilly itchy dress that sort of fit for ‘dress up’ occasions. Always pink. Not my choice.
      Your posting brought it all back.
      When I went to college. (One suitcase, on my own, on scholarship.) An adult that I had no relationship with took me shopping and PAID for. 2 button up shirts, one pair of gaberdine pants ( I ,of course didn’t know what anything was made of) A wool blazer, (again, I am not sure I would have used that word) a wool skirt. She kept asking “did I like this?” I had no idea what I liked. I was grateful and I “fit” in enough even though I was more comfortable in the hand me down flannel shirts and khakis from the Army/Navy store.
      Take the advice of people here.
      Keep it simple. To this day I am happiest dressing comfortably in a “Garanimals” fashion. (this was a children’s clothing company that all the clothes matched so you didn’t have to worry) Now almost everything in my closet matches. Black and grey. If I want a pop of color- a cardigan or sweater.
      Everything is comfortable- I have trouble with seams or anything tight.
      I used to lose it if I bought something that turned out not comfortable and didn’t wear it. (money anxiety) Now I move it on (and I think how happy someone will be at the thrift store to find something so new)

    13. Chauncy Gardener*

      Second all the great advice from above.
      Hold colors up to your face and see what makes you look better
      I’ve basically worn a “uniform” my whole career:
      Sleeveless dress (Title 9 or Garnet Hill) plus a cardigan/soft jacket
      Sleeveless shell, either scoop neck or turtleneck (cotton, poly or silk) plus cardigan/soft jacket and dark pants or skirt
      Boots or sandals

      I have a lot of cardigans/soft jackets since that’s what you notice in my outfits.
      I’ve been a senior Finance person most of my career, so if I have a board meeting I wear something that reads more formal (darker base clothing, a soft jacket, good shoes). Day to day is more casual, but still pulled together. My going out clothes are the same as my work clothes.
      It’s all comfy and layered since I’m always hot and hate to wear uncomfortable clothes!
      Good luck to you!!

    14. I didn't say banana*

      Congratulations on your job! This advice is applicable if you’re female. Before you buy clothes, take some time to look at your body shape (the width of your bust, waist, hips and thighs). If they’re all a fairly similar width, you might want clothes that add shape (like big skirts or slightly flared pants). If you come in at the waist but out at the hips and bust, high waisted pants and skirts are might suit you. If your legs are quite thin compared to the rest of you, skinny jeans or dresses (with tights) could look good. If your bust is big, you might want to get clothes that are quite fitted rather than things that will be big enough for your top half but then loose and shapeless. Google might be able to help you with ideas if you are allowed to search “clothes for my body shape”.

    15. Edna Moda*

      Seconding that what looks good is clothes that *fit*! It took me so long to realize that I can look good in virtually any style…as long as the cut of the clothes actually fits me in a comfortable, flattering way. Growing up, all my clothes were hand-me-downs, so proper fit was hit or miss. Now that I shop for myself, I love church thrift shops. I can try a range of styles out (not just what Target and Gap have decided is on trend right now, which may or may not flattter my body’s shape). I feel assured that if I try something that works for me, I can afford it (most items are under $15) and my rule is that if it fits me well (not too tight anywhere, but also not a loose sack) and it feels good to wear (not scratchy, itchy, etc), and it fills a need in my wardrobe, then I will buy it even if I’m not sure yet if that is my “style.” I also just gradually have tried to note what I get a compliment on, and then get more things like that. Like, I thought skinny jeans wouldn’t be my thing, but when I got a pair that fit well, holy cow did the compliments come pouring in from all sides. So I figured out what the pants’ dimensions were (waist and inseam length) and shopped for pants with those dimensions and denim in that color.
      If you have a friend or mentor or auntie figure in your life, ask if they’ll go thrift store shopping with you! My aunt really helped me hone in on what looks flattering. I hope you can find someone to step into that role for you. Don’t be afraid to ask; the only requirement is they are kind and you trust they want the best for you. I think a surprising number of older women are motivated to help be the supportive, unjudging mom-figure that THEY wish they’d had. (Could be a man too, wanting to be a supportive father figure!)

    16. Fashionista*

      Thank you so, so much to all the kind commenters here for the great advice! It’s detailed, it’s practical, it covers many aspects. I really appreciate it!

    17. Pocket Mouse*

      This isn’t quite what you asked for, but I hope it will help stretch your funds as far as they will go as you develop your sense of style, because I agree with another commenter that saving is super important:
      -Only buy things you would be more than happy to wear immediately for the rest of the day, items that make you think “yes, I am wearing this for sure”. Don’t buy items that make you think “I want to be a person who wears this” or “I might have an occasion to wear this”. Buy for the person you are, not for someone you aren’t; buy for the life you have.
      -If you have access to Facebook, join your local Buy Nothing group and see if anyone has clothes in your size to give away- in my area they typically go fast but you can also post that you are ‘in search of’ clothes your size. You can try everything on, see what feels right to you, and pass along whatever doesn’t work. BN also allow gifts of time and self, so you could request to spend some time at the home of someone your size and try on their clothes to see/talk about the pieces they like to wear together and what looks good and feels good on you.
      -Browse for jeans (and other stuff, but especially jeans) at thrift stores. There are typically a lot of brands, styles, and sizes to try on, and if you like any, they’re a fraction of the price they would be new. Just make sure the zippers work and check for damage.
      -If there’s an item you really really like and for SURE would wear every chance you get, and you have both the funds and the wardrobe need, go ahead and buy two.
      -If you’re at a store and are thinking about buying a full-priced item, use your phone to go to the store’s website to see if there’s a sale or coupon that can be used at the register, or maybe buy it online instead if the price will be better.

      Feeling like a put-together person in the clothes you’re wearing is at least as important as looking like one. If the pieces of the outfit look good with each other but aren’t a good fit for who you are, not everything is going together yet. When your clothes work together with who you are, that’s when the magic happens—and your wardrobe gets filled with things you’ll actually wear.

      Wishing you the best, and I hope you have fun with this project!

    18. Nancy*

      I recommend looking for more teen focused sites, such as Teen Vogue or Modern Teen. If those aren’t allowed, your local library may be able to help you find an appropriate site, especially if they have a young adult librarian on staff. Good luck!

  35. Two-Faced Big-Haired Food Critic*

    I think I have an impossible goal. I went on the “How to Find a Bra That Fits” website, and it told me that my size is 32DDD. Well, I’ve been looking, and I can see that’s not going to be easy to find. Maybe impossible, unless I get something custom-fitted.

    I might settle for a 32DD, or 34DDD, but even those are hard to find. And the one of each that I did find, one was padded and the other was a minimizer, both of which are a no-go. I’m going for a 1950s look — you know, Sno-Cones? I’ve been able to achieve that with 36DDs, but I’ve recently lost weight, so they’re a bit loose now.

    32DDD. Not bloody likely, because it’s a *reasonable* assumption on the part of the manufacturers that if someone has a 32-inch ribcage, she’s either young and hasn’t reached full development, or if an adult, she’s very slim. In either case, imagine them needing larger than a single B! But there are exceptions, and I’m one of them.

    So does anyone have experience being custom-fitted? Victoria’s Secret *might* be an option, but previous experience has shown me that they cater mostly to slim, small-breasted women.

    1. Maryn*

      My adult daughter and I have way too much experience being custom fitted–and it never results in a really great bra unless you live in a city that has high-quality lingerie stores. Department store fitters are really limited to what they stock, and it’s never right.

      I recommend an online chat with a fitting expert at BareNecessities.com or HerRoom.com, where there are beautiful bras (lace! colors!) for women with large busts. Brands that work for us include Elomi, Fantasie, Freya, and Glamorise. They’ll want you to have a tape measure at hand and be wearing the best bra you have, even if it’s not great.

      A good bra lifts my breasts maybe five inches higher than a department store bra, and is completely comfortable, no straps digging into your shoulders, no death-squeeze from a tight band.

      1. Harlowe*

        Oh eff you, POS phone! Trying again:

        I wear a 30F and I have NO issues shopping at Bare Necessities and Her Room.

    3. Rainy*

      Go to an actual bra boutique that carries a wide range of band and cup sizes to be fit, and budget enough money to buy at least one bra at that boutique.

      Do not be fit at VS, they will put a tape measure around you above your breasts and call that your band size, and you will be buying bras with bands that are too big. When your band is too loose, your bra won’t support you, because with an underwire bra it’s the fit of the band that provides the support.

      I have a big cup and smaller band size and I really like Pour Moi, personally–the size range is good of course but mostly because the design of most of their lines work really well with how my breasts sit on my torso. I’ve tried a ton of brands over the years and that’s the biggest trial and error piece once you’ve established that they actually make your size. So you’re inevitably going to end up buying some bras that don’t work unless you’re able to buy in person every time and can try them on.

    4. Reba*

      Maryns advice is good!

      There is also the subreddit ABraThatFits where people can advise you based on specifics of shape. It’s definitely not impossible (speaking as a 30DD or 30E)

      Don’t forget the European brands’ cup size will be E or F.

    5. Generic Name*

      I’m in your size range (I think I wear a 34DD at the moment), and I’ve had good luck at Nordstrom’s. The bras I wear are lightly padded all over the cup, but it’s more for nipple coverage than to add any oomph that I don’t need.

    6. anon24*

      Hello fellow odd size! Depending on the bra I’m either a 32DDD or a 30F. I hadn’t bought bras in years because it’s such a pain, but I actually just bought some from Bare Necessities during their recent sales. I was amazed, they had SO MANY in my size, had an enormous variety of styles, and they were all so cute. I started throwing them in my cart before realizing that my cart was over $500 and then I had to make some very difficult decisions as to which ones I wanted to keep. I ended up getting 4 and I love them all which I don’t think has ever happened ordering bras.

      Also, if you didn’t know, a 32DDD is also a 32E in European sizing and sometimes can be a lot easier to find!

    7. heckofabecca*

      Hi! Mazal tov on your new size :) I remember first getting fitted at Victoria’s Secret as a 34DD, and then some years later finding out I was a 28G (UK sizing; I think that’s 28I or J in US sizing). I’m a 36GG (36J maybe?) these days.

      Anyway – like others have said, I recommend HerRoom and Bare Necessities as good starting places, as they carry a BUNCH of brands, as well as looking with the UK size rather than US. Bravissimo is another option.

      Specific brands I like:
      – Curvy Kate (they sell great swimwear as well as lovely bras/etc, and they have good sale options)
      – I used Freya for t-shirt bras for over a decade.

      In terms of bullet bras – What Katie Did is your best bet, but be VERY DELIBERATE about picking the size; they use a different size system than modern bras.

      Note: You will almost certainly be spending more to get your bras now, but honestly once you find the brand(s)/model(s) that work for you—it’s SUCH a good change.

    8. Alex*

      It’s definitely doable! I spent several years as a 32H so I feel you. Definitely have shopped at both Bare Necessities and Herroom. I had a bad customer service experience with herroom so I avoid them now.

      (I’ve gained a bit of weight and now I’m more of a 36-38H which is actually easier to manage sometimes when shopping!)

    9. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      Avoid Victoria Secret if you have a hard to fit size – they are the WORST. They will try to sell you on “sister size” which works for 1 cup size at the most. They tried to sister size me 4 sizes.

      I was for awhile a 32J. They are not cheap, they are not pretty, but they do exist. There are some specialty bra stores that carry them and if you can find one that caters to hard to fit sizes, that is your best option. My daughter, who is currently a 34H has found some reliable places online to buy from.

      It takes trial and error, so look for online places with a good return policy and if you find one you like, stock up.

      I will state that the only good thing that came from a large weight gain is my band size went up enough to put me in a “normal” ish size.

    10. ThatGirl*

      Look for a specialty lingerie shop. I found one in the western suburbs of Chicago that did a fitting and made sure I was in the right size before I bought anything. (I’m a 38F) many women are shoved into the wrong size, it was really helpful to get a proper fitting. 32DDD bras are out there.

    11. Pippa K*

      All the suggestions here are good, and I’ll add that Bravissimo has a great range of sizes and styles. If you’re ever in the UK by any chance, their in-person fittings are great (or at least have been for me, finally getting me into the right size bra).

  36. Auntie Teacher*

    My niece wants me to teach her Spanish. She’s 7 and this would be over Zoom or similar. I’m not a Spanish teacher (or a teacher at all) and my Spanish experience is a few years in high school, plus some independent learning and travel. Enough to keep ahead of a 7 year old at least and this is an opportunity for some nice bonding time.

    Does anyone have any advice on doing this? Books I should read on teaching? Websites, workbooks, or textbooks for the actual teaching? I’ve been eyeing some different workbooks on Amazon and I’m good to buy two so we both have a copy, but there are a lot of choices!

    Personally, I’ll go back to my own studies, too :)

    1. Charley*

      I would check with your local library to see if they have any language learning resources. I just found out that mine offers a free subscription to an app called MangoLanguages, and there may be other resources specifically for kids.

      That said, if you have the funds (I know that can be a big if), I’d consider looking for a fluent Spanish tutor who is willing to meet for at least a few sessions with you both together, so you still get to embark on this fun project together, but maybe with some more direct expert guidance.

    2. Silent E*

      This sounds lovely! Charley’s suggestion of local library resources is a good one, but I’d forego the fluent Spanish tutor for now. Your niece is only 7, just starting to learn the language, and you want it to be a fun bonding experience for the both of you, so I’d keep things light and short – like no longer than 30 minutes at a time (initially maybe just 15-20 minutes of Spanish with some visiting in English) with lots of playful activities. You can start with basics like the alphabet, days of the week, numbers to 20, basic phrases, telling time, simple rhymes and songs if you know any. When you both need a break or as a way to wrap up, you can also share a tidbit (in English) about culture, history, cuisine, etc. of a Spanish-speaking culture/country.

      Some other suggestions:
      * Books: Children’s Spanish picture books are probably available at your public library, and some might be available online. Go for ones with simple storylines and very little text (board books might be a good start), and work your way up from there.
      * Videos: Sesame Street, Peppa Pig, and other children’s shows that have short episodes with slower speech and lots of repetition. I’m sure there are many on YouTube or a streaming service of your choice. Or your local library may have some DVDS that you can play an episode from – and the English language ones often have a Spanish audio (dubbing) option! If you can, watch an episode first by yourself and pull together a short vocabulary list for your niece first. She doesn’t have to understand everything to get something out of it! She’ll be hearing the language’s cadence and pronunciation and you can ask her to practice listening for specific words or phrases (such as people’s names, various greetings, numbers, days of the week, etc.). Later you can build on these by asking her some simple questions about the video – start questions she can answer with one word (names, colors, a specific item, etc.) and then later make it a bit more challenging by having her answer in complete sentences.
      * Games that use the vocabulary you are building with her, such as an online game of hangman for alphabet and vocab practice. Share a picture online or take one from a book you’re reading together and ask her to name all the colors or the things she sees, for example,. Save the pictures and build on them as her vocabulary expands.

      I think this will be a good start for you. Hope this helps!

    3. hammertoe*

      I’d go to the library and get some pre-school level picture books and CD’s for songs, and start there. Work up to everyday vocab in the : “what did you have for lunch” sense. If she’s still interested after that, children’s shows would be the way to go.

  37. Oink*

    Is it….common for some lawyers to completely scaremonger the same way some doctors tell you you might be dying when that is highly unlikely? I had to have legal advice over what I thought was merely a fineable offence. My lawyer freaked out and said I could go to prison for several years, that I would be investigated with all sorts of powers, and that I had no defense other than beg for mercy and admit my wrongs. They said there is no excuse or defense for what I did and that they wouldn’t represent me except to help write a confession/apology.

    I felt like this was very weird advice and went to another lawyer. The second lawyer laughed and said while prison was theoretically possible, this was such low level breach of law that I’d be (un)lucky to even get fined. The second lawyer said this wouldn’t enter the criminal system at all – another government agency would most likely file the complaint and move on.

    This is the first time I had legal advice and I’m bewildered by the completely contrasting information. Is this something that can happen? I know different lawyers can have different perspectives. But it seems bizarre that two lawyers said almost the opposite thing. I always imagined legal advice would be fairly consistent across lawyers.

    1. Chauncy Gardener*

      Wow. That’s disconcerting!
      But yes, I’ve received wildly different advice from lawyers, tax accountants, etc.
      Some are just over-reactive, others are fear mongering, others are more rational.
      That’s why it’s good to seek a couple of different opinions.

    2. Jay*

      That sounds….weird.
      I’ve heard of (really, really bad) public defenders doing this because their job in their district was not to defend anyone, but to convince their ‘clients’ to take plea deals that were against their best interests.
      Otherwise, I don’t know, maybe they had some sort of personal religious, political or moral overreaction to something? Either to do with the case or with you personally?
      I’m not sure the state Bar would need to hear about it, but I know it SHOULD be concerning that a lawyer is giving the worst possible legal advice to potential clients.

    3. CityMouse*

      I’m a lawyer and that’s very strange. We’re taught to stay very calm even in bad situations, so a lawyer freaking out at a potential client is a huge no no. And the idea of just throwing yourself on the mercy of the court isn’t really a tactic, even in a terrible situation the defense attorney negotiates. I think maybe the first lawyer was just bad?

      1. CTT*

        Also a lawyer and seconding that this lawyer probably was bad. I will certainly walk my client through the worst case scenarios (I’m in real estate, so worst case is usually “losing your deposit” and not jail) but then it’s “and here’s what I would do to prevent that” not “AND IT’S DEFINITELY GOING TO HAPPEN.”

    4. Not A Manager*

      Was this lawyer in solo practice, or a very very general practitioner? I’ve had professionals give me very weird and reactive advice (you mention doctors, and in my case it was doctors and lawyers), usually when they are speaking outside of their expertise and they are remembering whatever they learned on this topic in a one-hour lecture when they were in school, OR they have no more actual knowledge of this issue than an educated layperson. Because the issue is “medical” or “legal,” neither you nor they really thinks to question if they are actually experts in this area.

    5. Irish Teacher.*

      I don’t know anything about lawyers, but from what you’ve said, it sort of sounds to me like for some reason, the first lawyer was letting their personal feelings affect their advice. Even if what you did did carry serious penalties, such as prison, that would surely mean they should be advocating more strongly for you and be less likely to advise writing a confession.

      It almost sounds to me like the lawyer has some personal or religious or moral objection to what you did or had some personal experience where they were negatively affected by somebody doing something like whatever you did and they were using the opportunity more to berate you than to advise you. After all, it’s not really the lawyer’s place to say “there is not excuse or defence for what (you) did.” Even if you had done something really serious like murdered a child or something, it would still be their job to advise you of your options and of possible defences, not just to say “there is no excuse. Go write a confession.”

      This sounds less like when doctors tell you you might be dying (which in my experience is usually more a case of doctors forgetting that people who aren’t medical professionals don’t know medical jargon; I’m on a British cancer website and I’ve heard a lot of people freaking out that they are being sent for tests for “suspected cancer,” which apparently the NHS uses to mean anything more than something like a 3% chance of cancer? But a lot of people take that to mean “my doctor says it’s probably cancer”) and more like a lawyer allowing his or her personal feeling influence them.

    6. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Yeah, not all lawyers are good/professional. Glad you got a second opinion, at any rate.

      Or maybe you got a lawyer who usually works on the other side from what your side would be? Like housing lawyers often represent landlords, so if you went to them with a tenants’-rights issue, they might look at any issue from the landlord’s perspective, not the tenant’s.

  39. Indolent Libertine*

    For anyone else who reads AAM via Safari on an iPad, I recently started having difficulty making comments or replies. I’d get an error message saying something about “proxy or VPN detected, turn it off to comment.” Confusing, because AFAIK I wasn’t using any of those things. But it turns out that Safari’s “Private Relay” feature does essentially many of the same things as a VPN, so that’s how it “reads” to the site.

    The solution is to go into the URL bar, tap the AA icon at left, and choose “Show IP Address” from the drop-down menu. This temporarily reveals your IP address only to the website that’s in the active tab when you invoke it. And IIRC, this setting reverts to the default, which is hiding your IP address, upon the next page reload. Hope this might be helpful to other Safari users.

    2. Rainy*

      Oh interesting–I haven’t had that trouble with AAM but I have been having some issues logging into my old job’s work portal and I bet that’s why. Thank you!

  40. Just a name*

    Feral cat question- we have a feral cat in the neighborhood. It is a small community (one road, 25 houses) and it hangs out at our end of the road. I see it drinking from our birdbaths occasionally. Sometimes the smell of the grease in the drip pan from the grill will attract it (also the raccoons, so we generally clean it regularly). Lately, it seems to eat any of the mealworms that have fallen from the bird feeder to the deck. It generally looks healthy but you can’t get too close. The local shelter says that if we catch it, they will spay/neuter, etc. then release back to the neighborhood because they generally are not adoptable. Also that we shouldn’t feed them. Is there anything else we should be doing?

    1. Sloanicota*

      If you can borrow a humane trap (and you are sure his ear is not already chipped) TNR is a meaningful thing to do, and our shelter also does the rabies vaccine I think, which is great for everyone. The advantage of TNR is evident when you see how many litters a single male can father.

      1. Rainy*

        Agree–TNR is the way. If his ear is clipped he’s already been T-ed and N-ed and his R site is your neighbourhood.

        There’s probably someone in your area who is already doing TNR on the feral cats in their neighbourhood so if you can find that person, they will probably have some good ideas.

      2. TPS reporter*

        Alley Cat Allies is a great resource. On their website, you can find research, FAQs and contacts for TNR in your area.

      3. Just a name*

        Thanks all. I have a somewhat clear photo and it appears the ear ,Ishtar already be tipped, but it is a bit hard to tell. All good info, thanks.

  41. Behind the Toilet?*

    How do you all clean behind the toilet? My toilet is situated tightly between the vanity and glass shower door. It gets super dusty behind the toilet and mixed with the humidity, it just gets gross. But how do you clean back there? I think I’m grossed out by the thought of putting my face that close to my toilet. Then there’s always that residue of muck that is left behind from the edge of the mop or whatever. Ugh! How do you manage this at your house?

    1. Rainy*

      I use a swiffer with a wet pad on it, but if the space is too tight, you can usually get back there with a swiffer duster and it does okay for most purposes.

      For around the edges of the toilet, though, where the precipitated dust and such makes it look gross, I still use a paper towel and cleaner or a clorox wipe and my hands. No getting around it that I’ve discovered.

    2. Filosofickle*

      Light cleaning can be done at a distance (like Rainy says, with a swiffer), but for any detail cleaning in my experience there’s no alternative to putting your face by the toilet. Would draping a towel over the lid or wearing a mask help make it feel less gross to you?

      I am about to redo a bathroom and I will pay whatever it costs for the newer style of “skirted” toilet that doesn’t have the squiggly lines and base to catch dust. That will cut down on how much is needed.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        Oh how much would I love a toilet like that!

        So sick of the on hands and knees, face near the toilet process. Ugh!

    3. Dancing Otter*

      Can you sit on the edge of the bathtub and use a long-handled brush? My bathroom is laid out with the pedestal sink between the toilet and bathtub/shower, and that works for me. Not sure about your configuration.
      If close-up scrubbing is required, that only happens after a first pass with liquid cleanser (disinfecting) and with the lid down. Awkward because of tight quarters, but not toooo gross.

    4. Atheist Nun*

      For cleaning floors, you can either use a mop, or you can do something effective. After years of ineffectual mopping I now get on my hands and knees with a wet rag to clean. I reach around the bottom of the toilet in order to clean the floor behind it. I do that after I have cleaned the toilet itself and shut its lid to minimize the grossed out feeling of, basically, embracing my toilet.

    5. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Do you have any masks still in the house from the pandemic? You might feel a little better about getting your face near the toilet if you have a barrier like that between them.

    6. allathian*

      Clean the rest of the toilet first so it’s as hygienic as possible, then wear a mask if that makes you feel better.

      I’m glad that our toilets have bidet showers and drains in the floor so that I can rinse the worst gunk off without touching it.

      1. allathian*

        There’s a reason why public toilets in my area are set up so that most of them can be hosed down.

        If you don’t have a bidet shower (and I’m sure it’s pretty unusual everywhere else other than in Finland where it’s standard equipment in our zoning codes), it may be possible to attach a short hose to your bathroom faucet to serve the same purpose, as long as you have a drain the water can go to.

  42. AvonLady Barksdale*

    We just moved a week ago and I am extremely unsettled and overwhelmed. My anxiety is absolutely through the roof. We moved from a building in the city that I adored to a house in the suburbs. It was definitely a good decision– rent was ridiculous, commute is not an issue, and we were having issues getting our elderly dog outside in time– but still, I feel like I’m losing it. I’m hoping things will get better once we are completely out of boxes and bubble wrap (there is a huge pile of artwork next to me right now and it’s making me crazy). Our dog is adjusting so not comfortable walking yet, so while I can walk by myself, I am losing that early morning exercise (we usually walk about 3 miles every morning). I’m not eating much. I found some old Ativan in my closet and took it to help me sleep, and that was extremely helpful. Our new neighbors are lovely. But I am a mess. I have moved several times, but this feels bigger somehow. Maybe it’s just because I’m older, I have no idea. It also doesn’t really help that we leave for a huge international trip in two weeks.

    Anyway. That was mostly a vent, I suppose, but I could use some support and stories of people getting over this initial madness.

    1. Dancing Otter*

      It is definitely better once you’re completely unpacked. I am dreading my upcoming move, because I hate having to search for stuff.

      If you’re like me, getting the art on the walls will make it feel much more like home, even if not everything else is put away yet.

      Moving from an apartment or condo to a house (or vice versa) is a bigger change than from one apartment to another. That’s probably why the move feels bigger. Have you ever lived in the suburbs before? That’s another big adjustment right there.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        We lived in a (smaller) house in the Southeast for 5 years. We were in the suburbs but there was a lot very close by. That was 5 years ago. We’re in Northern Virginia now so there’s still a lot very close by, but yeah, adjusting to car culture again just feels very big. I met a friend for coffee this morning and that helped, and I mapped out bus routes to get to places I want to go, if that becomes necessary. It’s about a 15 minute walk to the bus.

        I feel like I’ll be doing a lot of working in coffee shops (I’m fully remote) for the foreseeable future.

    2. Chauncy Gardener*

      This too shall pass!!
      Even if you can’t hang the artwork, can you at least prop it up near where you think it will go? That helps me to confirm that I actually really want it there.
      I find that systematically going room by room is the best system for me. So if I did the kitchen first, I can go in there and it’s all done. So it doesn’t feel like the entire blasted house is a disaster zone.
      Good luck!!

    3. Morning Reader*

      Sympathies! I find that it helps to get one room (or corner or bed arrangement) set up first so you have somewhere that feels like home. Or, particular essential things that feel familiar. The keys on the key rack thingie, or the refrigerator magnets in place. You may even choose to let some stuff wait until you’re back from your trip..
      I don’t understand the dog thing. Can you just take shorter, slower walks, give him time to explore? (I think anxiety for an animal may be from not being able to identify new scents, so it might help to give him a chance to sniff them out.)

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        It’s more that he won’t leave the front yard. I will go wherever he wants, he… just doesn’t want.

        1. Bibliovore*

          oh. I know this so well. We moved from big eastern city to kind of suburbs in the midwest. My twelve year old wheaten turned to stone in the front of the house. Would Not Walk. We used to do about 3 miles.
          It did get a little better. We eventually got her to walk down the street then a little further as the weather got better. She was best if I met up with a neighbor and we walked his dog and mine together.
          She had a dog walker and a posse in the City. I think she missed her regular routines.

    4. Someday soon*

      Every time I moved, I missed the old place and was very uncomfortable in the new place. Never thought I’d adjust, hated it, etc. It took a while, but I finally grew to like or love the new places too — and when I moved again, I missed THOSE places. It may take some time, but you will adjust. In the meantime be really really nice to yourself, and remind yourself this is very normal.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      Ugh I feel this SO HARD.

      We recently had a housing emergency that necessitated packing our entire apartment for a remodel, moving to an Air BnB, and then moving back and unpacking. I was a mess–sobbing, shaking, no appetite. I cannot live with mess and clutter, and having that around for so long, plus hauling our cat around and so on, just destroyed me.

      Truly, what helped once we were back in our digs and everything finally done was just unpacking and arranging like a demon. Just having the stuff “where it goes” gave me compass points to orient around and that helped so, so much.

      You don’t have to commit for life to where every book or picture ends up–rearranging is actually my favorite part. But just PLOW through that mess and get it all bundled up for the recycling!

    6. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Hang in there! Moving is one of the top three life stressors, so what you’re feeling is to be expected. And the suburbs have such a different feel from the city.

      I have moved a lot, and one of the things that is hard for me in a new neighborhood is not knowing the places that I will enjoy yet. Where will I buy food or get takeout? Where’s the library? Is there a cafe I will like? A bakery?

      Maybe try to get in your car and explore one new store/place a day, even if you don’t really feel like it? Once you’re finding “your” places around your new home and once you get used to where everything is in your new grocery store, etc., maybe you’ll feel a little better?

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Oh, sorry — I hadn’t seen that you might be without a car, too. That may also be what’s dragging you down in the suburbs. Things are so much further apart, and you sometimes need a car to get to the things you want. But I’m glad you’re near a bus! I’ll amend my earlier suggestion and say maybe you could try exploring around one new bus stop each day, just to see what’s there that you might like.

        1. Bibliovore*

          If you don’t drive, think about learning. I got my license at 54. The first year and 1/2 here was super hard even though I had a convenient bus less than a 1/2 mile away.

          1. Le le lemon*

            Would it be a positive – if you had time – to go on an aimless bus ride? You’ll have changing scenery, the motion of the bus, and time to decompress/where no one will expect anything of you.
            15 min walk – 20 minutes one way – get a drink/coffee – return?
            Also, mourning the loss of your previous home is a real thing. Internet compassion sent your way!

    7. WellRed*

      It will be so much better when you’ve settled in more. If the dog won’t walk (bribes?) can’t you just go yourself? Exercise helps with anxiety feelings.

    8. My Brain is Exploding*

      I’ve moved a number of times with my military spouse. It’s the worst to be half-unpacked. Break down the empty boxes as you go (saving a couple for the bubble wrap). I always do the kitchen first, and I have to unpack ALL THE KITCHEN STUFF before putting it away. Also, can you just go for a walk in the morning without the doggo (at least a short one)? You’ll get to know the neighborhood and you might meet even more neighbors. Good luck!

    9. Zweisatz*

      Try to eat regularly, even small meals/snacks. Make sure to get some fat, carbs and a good amount of protein in there most of the snack/meal times. This will help stabilize your blood sugar, which helps support your mood as well.
      Don’t worry about “correct” or “healthy” right now, just about being fed (and hydrating too).

  43. Ginger Cat Lady*

    I think my neighbor is selling his car and giving out my address instead of his. His car has been on the curb in front of my house for a few days, which is not a problem but has never happened before in the 8 years since he moved in.
    Just now some strangers pulled up in front of his car and got out, and my neighbor stood up and approached them. From MY porch! He was sitting on my porch while waiting for them!
    A quick check of my ring camera shows two other times he’s waited on my porch and met with people by the car.
    He’s talking with people now and it looks like they’re getting in the car to test drive but when the come back and the “customers” leave I’ll have to ask him about it. I know him & his wife pretty well, I don’t think he’s up to no good, but I’m super curious!

    1. Chauncy Gardener*

      He might be scared to have them know where he lives, but geez! How about just meeting at a strip mall or something??

    2. Black Hole Sun*

      That is not very neighborly and a safety risk for you! Please ask him what the deal is, and also ask to not use your address and porch. I just sold a car and it was annoying to go the public grocery store lot (…for so many no-shows) but I wasn’t going to risk mine or my neighbors’ safety.

    3. Wait, what?!?!?!*

      Well that is just unbelievably rude of him. Put a stop to it right away. And please come back today or next week and tell us how it goes. Some people have so much nerve.

    4. Generic Name*

      I mean, technically the guy is trespassing. I wonder if he’ll also use your address for the sale. Something seems off to me, and I worry he’s putting you at risk because he’s doing something shady. Are you at home when he camps on your porch. I wonder what he’d say if you go outside just as buyers show up and express surprise that he’s in your porch.

    5. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Well, I missed him going inside and he’s not answering my texts. Got people coming over for dinner so I’ll have to follow up later.

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      Noooot cool at all. I would object if a family member did this, let alone a neighbor.

    8. Wait, what?!?!?!*

      You know what? I would figure out where he is advertising — run your address through google, look on craigslist, etc. — and make the venue take the ad down immediately if it has your address in it. He’s not answering texts? Text him to take his ads down and stop sitting on your porch, and stop using any of your personal information in any way. Be very direct about it. And if he doesn’t quit it, call the cops next time he’s on your porch uninvited. I know this sounds harsh but he’s being an absolute jerk.

    9. Bike Walk Barb*

      I’m wondering if he has some real reason for not wanting his name associated with his physical address. If so it may not be something he’d want to share. Possibilities that come to mind, although an address one house away from his own isn’t much of a cover story: His wife has a stalker who knows her husband’s name. He has a debt collector after him who would seize the sale proceeds. His mom gave him the car and he doesn’t want her to know he’s selling it.

      It’s not okay either way. If he had any of the above he could have *asked* about borrowing your address without sharing any details. But sitting on your porch? That feels creepy and invasive. Next step: having his Amazon packages delivered to your front door.

  44. Bluebell Brenham*

    Late question- but are there any Charlotte NC residents here? I’ll be there for a weekend later this fall, and am hoping to find an Airbnb in a walkable neighborhood, even though I’ll be busy part of the day. Thanks!

    1. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      I am!

      If you’re looking for neighborhoods with sidewalks, nice houses, parks and maybe some retail/food: Myers Park, Dilworth are the some of the very nicest we have. Elizabeth is also nice and has retail/food nearby, NoDa (North Davidson) is walkable and eclectic, and Plaza Midwood is also nice, walkable, parks and near some retail/food depending on where you are in the neighborhood. These are all within 3-5 miles of uptown Charlotte. There are lots and lots of other nice neighborhoods here, but they’re farther out, so it will depend on where you are staying and where you might be busy during the day (Ballantyne is one of those, but definitely farther away from uptown). The Duke Mansion is lovely (it’s a pricey B&B) and the gardens are free to walk around! The Mint Museum uptown is really good, as is the Bechtler Museum of Modern Art). Lots and lots of good restaurants, breweries, wine places, all around Charlotte. HAVE FUN, and welcome to the Queen City! (check out the website Axios Charlotte to see all the things! Neighborhoods! Events! Things to do/places to eat!)

    2. illuminate*

      I’m not a resident, but have some experience. I’d look somewhere in NoDa, University City, maybe Southpark, but that will probably tend more expensive. Along the Blue Line (lightrail) is a good bet generally. It runs from UNCC down to southern 485, through uptown, though nowhere near the airport if that’s where you’re coming in or going out.

  45. Pamela Smith*

    Speaking of music, I went to see Mike Oldfield’s Tubular Bells live on Saturday night. It’s the 50th anniversary of the release of the album, which I have, on vinyl. Some younger people in the audience, but mostly my demographic (60+). As the older chap behind me said, Boomers’ night out.

    1. Filosofickle*

      My dad (who’s almost 80) had that on vinyl, I grew up listening to it and own a digital copy myself :)

  46. M*

    Just had to say that every time I saw the cat pic (I come to this site a lot lol) I am reminded of a dragon surrounded by their gold.

Comments are closed.