asking for a hotel room far from coworkers, asking about camera culture in an interview

by Alison Green on September 13, 2024

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Can I ask for a hotel room far from my coworkers when traveling for a conference?

I recently completed my professional degree and licensure in my field, and have been getting a lot of support from my employer in establishing myself.

In about a year, there’s a fairly significant professional conference for the industry. Typically these conferences are held a long ways away (sometimes internationally), and so while there are always some folks from my employer attending, it’s usually a fairly limited group due to cost — someone who is presenting, leadership representatives, and always at least one or two new professionals so they can start building their professional network.

The upcoming conference is going to be fairly close to us for the first time in a couple of decades, and our leadership has said they want everyone from the office to attend, given the proximity. They’re planning to book a block of hotel rooms, pay attendance fees, and reimburse travel. I am really excited about the opportunity.

But I’m also dreading the hotel room situation. I’m a cis male multiple sexual assault survivor, and given the cultural attitudes towards men who report having been sexually assaulted, I generally don’t disclose this information. Meet me in the waking world, and you would never know anything about it. But that’s me awake — one of the ways my particular brand of PTSD manifests is night terrors. I don’t remember them when they happen, but they’re disruptive to the people around me. My family have asked me to refrain from overnight visits because of the disruptions, and partners have related how disturbing they find it to be when one happens; I’ve even had the police called by concerned neighbors while living in apartments.

Letting my coworkers in on this information is not something I particularly want to do. I’ve seen and heard how they gossip about basically everything. I frankly don’t trust them with knowing I have PTSD, let alone the causes, and it doesn’t help that there’s a push for us to become a more trauma-informed field (which I just know means someone would decide I should become an ambassador about my experiences). But I don’t know how to avoid it in this instance. Can I ask that my hotel room be located away from where the rest of my coworkers are? I’m worried about how that will be perceived, both from a team dynamic and especially as a man — I don’t want my coworkers thinking I’m hiding hookups or being standoffish, though I think I’d prefer that over discussing why they heard me screaming in the night. Will I have to explain why, if I do so? Should I just not attend the conference, knowing that it will look like I’m not engaging with our field and may cost me professionally? Are there other, better options that you can see and I’m not thinking of?

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. After the booking has been made (but at least a week in advance of the trip), call the hotel and ask to be assigned a room in a different section than the rest of the party. They should handle this for you discreetly. You don’t need to explain why; you won’t be the first person making a request like this, and they’re likely to just matter-of-factly assign you to a different area of the hotel.

When you check in, verify that they did indeed take care of it. If for some reason they didn’t, you can repeat the request at that point. You can be vague about why; just say “for privacy reasons” or similar.

2. Interviewer arrived late and seemed offended when I didn’t pause to greet her

I was in a virtual interview that was supposed to be me (the candidate) and two panel members. Only one panel member was there at first, and he told me the manager would be a few minutes late. Didn’t bother me at all, and he and I made small talk.

When the manager arrived (the two were in the same physical conference room and talking to me on a video call), I was in the middle of a story. My personal philosophy when late to meetings is I prefer to slip in unnoticed, assuming I’d be acknowledged in due time or not at all, depending on the situation. I do think it’s a case-by-case scenario though, and while I was speaking, I debated internally whether to greet her immediately or finish talking fast. My split second decision was to not draw attention to her lateness in case she was embarrassed and finished up my story as quickly as I could.

In those few seconds finishing up, I saw her face fall and she clearly looked offended. The rest of the interview, she was stiff and dismissive, and even ended the interview early as she didn’t seem interested in asking me much. I got a rejection note a few weeks later.

Of course, there could have been a bunch of reasons I didn’t make it further in the process, but I do feel like this one interaction cemented it. I was very disappointed as this was a company I had tried to get an interview with for many years and to lose my chance over one moment is frustrating. I had done tons of research on the manager and the role beforehand and was in the room for only 20 minutes, with almost half of that spent waiting for her. When we did greet her, I made sure to show my excitement at meeting her and treated her as the leader for the remaining time, but it didn’t sway her at all.

I’m wondering if I did commit a meeting faux pas? Is there a generally accepted way to handle late attendees and I messed up? I’m more than happy to stop talking and acknowledge incoming folks. How should I have handled it, both in the moment and after I noticed her seeming offended?

I do think that in an interview, when a missing panel member shows up it’s good manners to pause what you’re saying and greet them, and then say something like, “I was just telling Cedric about X.” That’s especially true when it’s the hiring manager, but it’s gracious to do that with any panel member.

That said, it would be unusual for this to be a major factor in assessing you, and if it was, that tells you something about the hiring manager.

3. Asking about camera culture in an interview

I’m currently in the process of interviewing and wondering how appropriate it would be to ask about a company’s or team’s camera expectations in meetings. I vastly prefer not having to turn on my camera during meetings (I don’t live alone, I don’t have a designated office area in my home, etc.). I do feel like this is a relevant culture question for remote workers, but I’m worried it comes off as not being a team player or that it appears standoffish.

It’s definitely a relevant question for a lot of people. It also risks coming across a little strangely if it sounds like it’s a make-or-break question for you (which is unfair, but also the reality of it). But if it is a make-or-break question for you, you definitely need to ask. I’d suggest asking it as lightly as possible; don’t have it be the first question you ask, and make it as conversational as you can. So maybe: “What’s your meeting culture like with so many people remote — are you pretty meeting-heavy, cameras-on, cameras-off, some mix of the two?” Alternately, you could say, “My current job has us on camera a lot for Zoom calls and I’ve found it can sometimes be pretty draining — what’s your remote meeting culture like?”

4. Boss wants me to figure out a back-up for my work

Last week, I asked my (new to me) manager about goals and she said to start planning SMART goals for next year. Yesterday we were discussing my upcoming vacation and she asked what my plan was, and I said that I would have to catch up on everything when I got back. She asked if I have a back-up, and I said no, I haven’t had one for three years. She asked what normally happens — again, I said I have to catch up when I get back. She then said I need to have some sort of back-up and add that as a goal for next year. I was then told to let the outside contractors know how to contact me ONLY if something cannot wait until my return.

Last year during my sabbatical, my manager (director level) was let go, and I had no choice about monitoring emails and texts.

Am I crazy for thinking it’s not within my power to designate a back-up and that my manager is the one who would have to designate who it should be, and then I train for the back-up functions?

I just want a vacation where I don’t have to have my work phone with me at all.

You might not have the authority to assign a back-up, but it sounds like your manager is asking you to think about who would be a logical choice and what the logistics of them backing you up would look like, then come to her with that proposal. That’s a good thing — she wants you to be able to take real vacations, and she’s asking for your input on a plan that allows that to happen.

There are some jobs where your manager would simply assign you a back-up. But in others, the work is nuanced enough that you’re the person best equipped to think through how back-up needs to work (and that’s particularly likely to be the case here because your boss is new to managing you).

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{ 428 comments }

{ 428 comments… read them below }

  1. Eric*

    #4, I’d think about and present to your manager a plan not only of who your backup should be, but also how/how much training would work, and which of your tasks they would be expected to cover vs what tasks truely make sense to hold off until you return.

    1. Alz*

      Yup or something like “Jackie can process invoices- I will give her a list of what I am expecting and the limits. I have shown Sally how to compile the data for the monthly report but it would be good if you had a read over it before it is sent out as she isn’t always looped in on X and Y”

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I aim for backup plus one more who has access to the systems even if they don’t use it. Gives the team a slight edge when someone leaves when another is on vacation, or if 2 leave at once – easier for access levels to be cloned.

    3. Hyaline*

      Exactly! There are few times when “ignore everything for 8 days and then scramble to catch up” is best practice or necessary. And people outside the org should have someone designated who can at least answer their questions or handle simple tasks. It’s probably also a good exercise for just being aware of what tasks you do that really at this point only you can do and which ones *could* theoretically go to someone else–so if the team took on a new project or expanded their scope, and you needed to redistribute tasks, hey, ahead of the game!

      1. Holefullyhelpful*

        LW1:

        If professional conferences are going to be a normal part of your job I would consider getting in a one on one conversation with the level of supervisor that plans your conference and let them know you have a disability and need accommodation. You do not need to let them know the source of the disability.

        You don’t want to be in a situation where they double you up in a room to save money and then you have to explain things at the last minute

    4. Frankie Mermaids*

      I would frame it more as creating training material/putting processes in place so you aren’t working double time when you come back. So that she can easily reassign tasks when you’re gone.

    5. MiloSpiral*

      Agreed. My work recently assigned us the task of making a “continuity of operations plan” for our role, which is exactly what it sounds like. We do the work now so that the organization is prepared when/if an unexpected absence shows up. I think this could be a good practice to do for yourself regardless.

      Also, OP: If I thought I’d have to just catch up on ALL of my work when I got back from vacation, I’d probably take a lot fewer vacations. Consider that your boss is asking you to give yourself the gift of a vacation without a work phone AND less catch-up when you get back.

      1. ferrina*

        Both of these points are great. It’s pretty demotivating if you know that you’ll still have to do all the work, just in a shorter timeframe. Having a back-up is something that OP should have to take care of routine stuff that isn’t worth interrupting a vacation for.

        The ‘continuity of operations’ is also great when someone is sick and needs to be out- it’s easier because you already have documentation and coverage practices in place, so you can properly unplug and rest on your sick (and vacation) time.

      2. Smithy*

        Absolutely this.

        I recently took off one day, and because of a certain project came back to so many emails – it made that one day feel like I barely took it off but also disincentivized taking off longer periods of time. And even if that’s not true for the OP, it’s often very likely for someone else in that job. So it’s a good exercise to consider that for both the OP – as well as any future people in that role should someone else get hired, the OP gets promoted/takes a new role, etc.

    6. Sara without an H*

      Hi, OP#4–I agree with Alison, and the commenters on this thread — your boss is asking you for a plan and some suitable candidates. I use the plural because, depending on what you do, it might make sense to have different backups for different tasks: “Kathy can do rush orders, Pete can do invoice processing, other stuff can probably wait until I get back.”

      Btw, it’s always a good idea to have a clear sense of which of your job responsibilities are truly time-sensitive (and thus need to be covered if you’re out for any reason) and which are important, but not urgent, and can wait until you get back. Any manager who insists that all your tasks are urgent will never let you take vacation at all.

    7. GoodBossVibes*

      I would be over the moon if any boss raised this. I’ve been working for 30+ years and even when I had a 12 week emergency medical leave I’ve always come back to the backlog of work I didn’t do when away.

      1. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

        I consider backups for emergencies, not to do the person’s job while they’re gone. Twelve weeks probably warrants a temporary reassignment of work, but not a short vacation.

        1. Orora*

          We have a very small team, and I’m literally the only person who understands how to do certain things. If I go on vacation, I try to give advanced notice to the team that I’ll be gone and if they have stuff they’re going to need during that time, get it to me by X date so I can get it done before I go. My boss is my backup for the emergency stuff, but she really doesn’t know how to do it. I’ve told her to call me if there’s an emergency, and she and I have similar definitions of what constitutes an “emergency”; I haven’t been called in 9 years.

    9. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      And also if it makes sense for it to be a divided backup. I was out unexpectedly for close to a month and my job ended up being divvied up between 4 people because I have a lot of variety of function and various parts of my job more align with their skill sets.

  2. BigLawEx*

    LW 1 – even in busy hotels in large cities (SF, NYC, London) there has been zero problem getting a room away. It’s sometimes LESS desirable (near the elevator, ice machine, storage for housekeepers…), but it’s never been a problem to be separate from the block.

    If those other locations bother you, I’d do some research (there are many websites for this for nearly every large hotel) about your preference, so you can state that as well…

    Also in addition to calling, email early. The request may be lost, but I’ve found leverage in having evidence I made the request well in advance….

    1. Transitory Property*

      I would also say even if your coworkers hear, you don’t have to tell them about the PTSD! You can just say you have a sleep disorder where you yell in your sleep and it’s nothing to worry about.

      I have a friend I travel with who has this with no underlying trauma, she just screams in her sleep often and no one has pressed her on it. It helps that she is sincerely no-big-deal about it, which you might have to practice.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        I was thinking this too; only OP and his loved ones know that his sleep disorder is linked to trauma and PTSD. Aside from it being fine to request privacy, he never has to disclose the details of what caused it. In this situation he can deal directly with the hotel, but if he ever needs to have a “can’t share a suite with a colleague” discussion with bosses, he can simply blandly cite his his sleep disorder, or be even more vague and say a health condition.

        1. Jennifer @unchartedworlds*

          This is what I’m thinking. It’s similar to how you can just say “I find headphones useful to block out sound when I’m working”, and you don’t have to follow that with e.g. “because I’m autistic”.

          OP might benefit from practising saying in a very matter of fact way “yeah, I shout in my sleep sometimes and I don’t like to disturb people”. The practice is for delivering the factual bit with a bland surface, separate from the trauma which these people have need to know about.

          1. What_the_What*

            ….. I agree with a lot of that, but “I shout in my sleep…” underplays night terrors. They are not mere shouting. The first time my son had one, I shot out of bed like a rocket because I was sure he was being murdered. He had them for years and they were truly bloodcurdling to hear.

              1. What_the_What*

                If it’s downplayed to just “oh I shout”, when they happen it’s going to be clear it’s MUCH more than “shouting”. Night terrors aren’t anything to be ashamed of. It’s much more the reason behind them that the OP doesn’t want to disclose. So, “yeah I’ve had night terrors for years and can’t predict when one will come one so just a heads up and apologies in advance if I scare the heck out of anyone.” THAT is downplaying the reason while letting people know the actual terror can be…well terrifying to hear.

                1. yvve*

                  Well, I think in this case the goal is to have a reason to not share a room, i.e. they will hopefully not hear the yelling

                2. Stipes*

                  I think the point in saying “I shout in my sleep” is to only say enough to make sure your coworkers will accept your request to be separate — and then they WON’T hear the real thing. I hear you that night terrors aren’t anything to be ashamed of, but if LW’s coworkers are as gossipy as he says, I’d want to downplay the severity as well.

                3. Ellis Bell*

                  Absolutely co-signing that night terrors aren’t anything to be ashamed of. It’s perfectly professional for OP to be upfront about the fact it’s screaming, and that’s an option for if he does end up near a coworker. I think it’s equally fine if he wants to be vague and far away from them. I’m hoping he has lots of options at this point.

          2. Emily of New Moon*

            Re: autism and headphones: Sometimes it is necessary to disclose. For instance, if a workplace typically doesn’t allow headphones, they would have to make an exception for someone with autism, under the ADA.

            1. Not a Girl Boss*

              You still don’t have to disclose that piece of it to your coworkers or even managers though, just the people approving the accommodation (and even then, sometimes not with doctor’s note). A simple “I find headphones useful to block out sound when I’m working” is fine for them, or if that won’t fly “I have an accommodation that lets me use headphones to focus” is enough.

            2. Alex*

              Whether or not a workplace would have to make an exception would depend on why headphones are typically not allowed. There are jobs for which headphones would be a health and safety issue due to restricted hearing and for such jobs an employer certainly would not have to make an exception for anyone regardless of disability as at the end of the day safety trumps adjustments (and introducing an unnecessary safety risk would make an adjustment unreasonable in any case).

      2. UKDancer*

        Yes same, I have a friend who has night terrors. There’s no trauma related reason for this, she just does and so does her mother. It’s apparently a thing in their family. Just ask for a room away from colleagues and if that’s not possible or if anyone queries it then say “I have a sleep disorder, so I don’t like to disturb people.” in a really matter of fact tone.

        1. What_the_What*

          But, being away from coworkers will not necessarily put OP away from other guests, and I’m not sure which is the lesser of two evils. Telling coworkers who may hear you ahead of time, “I sleep scream. No big deal not being murdered if you hear me. Hope I don’t disturb anyone.” OR potentially having a stranger hear screaming and call the desk and/or cops that someone sounds like they’re in danger next door and having them pounding on the door or opening it. I personallhy would opt for a nonchalant, “hey heads up… it’s a thing. I’m used to it. Hopefully won’t happen but just so you know it might” attitude with coworkers vs scaring the bejesus out of other guests who have no way to know.

        2. Ellie*

          Yes, I think this is a perfectly fine thing to say, and most people would not see it as odd. If OP isn’t comfortable describing the screaming, they can also say that they’re an extremely loud snorer, or that they sleep walk, or any number of other issues. Or just the blanket, ‘I have a sleep disorder that is very disturbing for those around me, so I’ll need a room that is separate from the others’. If this isn’t sufficient, maybe suggest renting a small cabin or a stand-alone house instead? It really shouldn’t be a big deal, and in no way should out OP as a survivor.

      3. Decidedly Me*

        I had a direct report that has night terrors. He brought it up when we were figuring out room arrangements for company travel. It was no big deal to me or for the company when arranging things. Even as someone with PTSD myself, it never even occurred to me it could be related.

      4. Myrin*

        Yeah, I have catathrenia (whose name I only know because I brought it up in response to another sleep-related letter here on AAM years ago and another commenter happened to know what it’s called! I’m still marvelling over that), which means I groan-rumble incessantly while I’m deeply asleep.

        It doesn’t affect me at all but it’s one of the most annoying, grating sounds ever to anyone who’s ever slept in the same room as me. I don’t think it generally travels through walls, so I don’t need to be quite as vigilant as OP, but I absolutely always request a single room (for everyone else’s sake! I’d actually be fine with sharing) and it’s never been a problem.

      5. londonedit*

        I was thinking that if anyone does comment about the OP’s room being nowhere near theirs, he can always just say ‘Yeah, I guess they ran out of rooms on your floor’ in a matter-of-fact way. I’d be surprised if anyone does comment on it, but if they do I think it’d only be in the context of ‘Hey, are we all on the third floor? Sally, is your room next to mine? Where’s your room, Mike? Oh – you’re not with the rest of us?’ rather than anyone actually having a desperate need to know the reason behind it. Whenever I’ve stayed in a hotel with a group of people we always seem to end up with rooms all over the place, so I doubt if it’ll register as anything more than ‘Oh, Mike’s all on his own on the fourth floor!’ before everyone busies themselves getting to their rooms and getting ready for the event.

        If for some reason it does come up that the OP has requested a room elsewhere, I think a matter-of-fact ‘Yeah, I get night terrors and I don’t want to disturb people’ is the way to go. Again, people will accept that and no one’s going to go digging any further.

        1. Stop the insanity*

          If he matter of facts says a generic sleep disorders sort of statement that avoids the potential embarrassment of having to explain he requested a room elsewhere after someone complains to the hotel and is told he requested a room away from his coworkers. If it’s a large enough group they might not all literally be in room block 510-540 but if they’re all on the 5th floor but him and an actual room block was requested the organizers may feel a need to bring it up.

          1. Ellis Bell*

            They’d have to be monumentally new at the hotel business to let other people in the group know that someone requested extra privacy; that would be so indiscreet! For OP’s peace of mind though it could be worth saying: “I need a room away from my colleagues for privacy – if anyone queries that, could you not reveal I requested it and say it was the only room available?” If they seem discreet and professional (IME, hotels have seen and heard it all) I’d also consider giving them a heads up about the sounds or sound level they might hear so they could plan to put him somewhere particularly discreet and not overreact if someone reports screaming coming from a room.

            1. UKDancer*

              Yeah part of working in a hotel is being discreet. I’ve worked in 2 different ones and each time we were told we had to be discreet about what people needed and not ask too many questions. Mr X and Ms Y checking in together and then him returning with his wife a month later – not our business. Fred wanting a pizza with halal chicken at 3am – we find the pizza if we can and don’t ask why.

              That’s part of what you pay for in a big hotel. You are paying for the room but you’re also paying for the staff behaviour.

              I mean obviously if someone is committing an offence or doing something illegal we report it but otherwise we do what we’re asked and keep our mouths shut.

              1. Cmdrshprd*

                But is that still the case when it’s something like an event/room block paid by a company, where the company is the client/paying for everything.

                especially if I requested a room block for x company to be together and one was not part of it, it would be reasonable to ask and want a real answer.

                1. Anonym*

                  I don’t agree that it’s reasonable to ask or to expect a real answer. Colleagues sleeping near each other has no business relevance, and people are allowed to have their privacy. You booked the rooms; all you need to know is that the hotel is providing the number of rooms requested at the rate agreed.

                2. Cmdrshprd*

                  “You booked the rooms; all you need to know is that the hotel is providing the number of rooms requested at the rate agreed.”

                  But in asking for a room block, it goes beyond just booking x rooms at x rate. The room block/rooms together (assuming it was asked for) is part of the deal, the same way if the company requested say a rollaway bed, or a welcome gift in each room as part of booking with the hotel. If one of the terms of the agreement/arrangements is not met, it is not unreasonable to ask why and expect an answer.

                3. Consonance*

                  I doubt they requested the block to be together. A room block is generally a set number of rooms at a set price, and the hotel may lump them in the same general area for ease of their own planning, but I’ve never had a room block that was literally a physical block of rooms all together. Even when the rooms are generally in the same area, there’s usually some that end up on a different floor, or a random (non-associated) person assigned to a room that’s “in” a different block.

                4. Cmdrshprd*

                  “I doubt they requested the block to be together.’

                  If that’s the case, and often the hotels will say they will try their best but can’t guarantee the rooms will be together, sure company is not entitled to full disclosure why it’s not.

                  But a few other have pointed out that companies do ask and some hotels agree to the rooms together, in that case (rooms together was a condition/guarantee of booking) I do think it’s reasonable for the company to ask and expect a true/honest answer why it didn’t happen, since really the company is the client/guest not the the employees.

                5. I wear my sunglasses at night*

                  “A block of rooms” does not mean that the rooms are *physically* near each other necessarily, especially in big hotels or hotels with weird layouts. It just means that whomever made the booking reserved a bunch of rooms at once and negotiated a group discount, or whatever.

                  So there is a real chance the OP could show up at the hotel and the “block of rooms” are spread across 3 different floors and a separate wing across a courtyard, and his room is nowhere near another coworker’s.

                  But for OP’s own peace of mind, he should still contact the hotel before-hand. And if some coworker is nosy/weird enough to notice, let alone interrogate him, OP should remember that the coworker is the weirdo for not knowing how hotel room blocks work (or that this is a weird thing to obsess over), and just be like, “IDK, this is where my room is???”

                6. Mad Harry Crewe*

                  We’ve run out of threading, but +1 to Consonance – a block of rooms is not necessarily colocated, it’s just a large number of rooms of the same type that the client is reserving for their guests. Most hotels don’t have rooms clustered perfectly by type – each floor can be a mix of standard, premium, deluxe, and suites. Different floors may have different mixes – lower floors may have more standard rooms, upper floors may have more expensive rooms, but they aren’t going to have one room type per floor.

            2. Waiting on the bus*

              Giving the hotel a heads up that OP has screaming nightmares might be a good idea so they know to put his room somewhere without many neighbouring rooms. If the night terrors are that loud other guests might call security/the police as well. I assume that OP’s gossipy coworkers would love that sort of drama happening during their stay. I think it’s in OP’s best interest to let the hotel know/request a room as far removed from others as possible.

            3. What_the_What*

              I don’t think Stop was referring to the HOTEL saying he’d requested another room, but rather when coworker or boss says, “Hey I’m in 512; which one are you in?” and he says “943” and they wonder why 49 employees are on the 5th floor and he’s on the 9th or whatever and THAT could get talked about, negatively if people assume “oh he doesn’t want to associate with US. Wow.” etc..

          2. doreen*

            Would someone really complain about the rooms not being on the same floor, though? I can see wanting to be in the same tower in a giant hotel, because everyone is close to the same restaurant, parking entrance , etc. But I can’t even imagine why someone would complain that their co-worker was on the fourth floor rather than the fifth. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a large group where everyone was on the same floor – a “block” in my experience just means that the hotel will hold a certain number of rooms until a certain date for people to make their own reservations, maybe with a discounted rate.

            1. londonedit*

              I guess if there was a particularly busybody co-worker who took it upon themselves to go all ‘Oh! Mike isn’t on our floor! That’s not fair! I’m going to go to reception and ask if they can move Mike to a room with the rest of us! We should all be together!’ then it could happen. But it’s surely extremely unlikely. Unless Stop the insanity meant that someone might complain about the noise, and then it would somehow come out that he’d requested a room elsewhere. But I think that’s even more unlikely!

              Even if there is a busybody co-worker who makes a fuss and wants to get the OP a room near everyone else, all the OP needs to do is say ‘It’s fine! No worries! I’m happy where I am – I’ll see you downstairs for dinner at 7’.

              1. Hawk*

                Yes, LW1, chiming in to say that hotel rooms get switched all the time, even if your work books a block! The last conference me and a bunch of my coworkers went to, one of them ended up in a VERY nice suite away from all of us. Apparently so many people were staying in the hotel, they had to move people around. That can be your excuse here! None of us cared, beyond the fact that this quirk of booking got her free breakfast, and she knew which floor to find us on. Good luck with this!

                1. Georgia Carolyn Mason*

                  That has happened to me, almost — I was put in the fancy suite and said it was probably not for me — and someone realized the CEO (who hadn’t yet checked in) had been assigned a regular room, so they just changed it. The rooms weren’t on the same floor.

                  And, I just got back from a wedding where the rooms were all over the hotel — the “block” just means “block off this many.” So, you’ll probably be fine just requesting a different one! The only time I could imagine it being an issue if that was literally the last room in the hotel, which is super uncommon, even with a big conference in town. Some are pretty much always kept open.

            2. Mockingjay*

              Exactly; a block is simply a number of rooms set aside for a group, but rarely on the same floor. I think it would be very difficult to arrange that. Rooms can already be occupied or under maintenance; someone in the group needs an accommodation so they get the ADA room on the ground floor; the boss is using points to upgrade their room to a suite, etc. It’s really normal for a large group to be housed on separate floors or wings.

              Also, most major hotel chains have apps through which you can select your room and check in remotely.

            3. Expectations*

              I’ve worked at companies that expected everyone to be together when they booked a block of rooms and they definitely would have complained to the hotel if someone was separate, and if the hotel didn’t fix it they likely wouldn’t book there again.

              I don’t know why this was important. Also, I only arranged for a group once (for a social gathering), and I wasn’t even booking the rooms together but merely arranging for a group rate/ensuring availability so we’d all be in the same hotel and ever hotel I called assumed we wanted to be located together, so there clearly is some bias toward that expectation.

            4. Rara Avis*

              I travel with students and we always request that the rooms be together so they are near the responsible adult, but we are almost always split across a couple floors.

          3. Yeah...*

            LW may not be well-versed in this area. Discretion is a large part of the hotel experience. Hotels that are not discreet would quickly go out of business.

      6. jasmine*

        it might be worth saying this to the hotel at least, so they can give OP a room in an area of the hotel that is mostly vacant. might not be possible with a conference happening but maybe there’ll be something available

      7. Mags*

        Yep. I was coming to say this. One of my aunt’s kids all have disordered sleeping patterns (since childhood). There’s no trauma cause as far as anyone can tell, they just have insomnia, they sleep walk and talk, and sometimes have night terrors (particularly in new environments). I know my cousin who’s an accountant has previously asked for accommodations while travelling based on ‘Sometimes I walk in my sleep and I don’t want to encounter a client/colleague in my pyjamas’.

      8. Annika Hansen*

        My Dad and I both scream in our sleep. Both of us had issues since childhood. I have also kicked and hit my husband in my sleep. My husband and I normally sleep separately because we have the screaming wife and snoring husband. Neither my dad nor I have PTSD. I would have never thought PTSD if someone said they had night terror. I would have more likely thought they were a long lost relative.

        1. I Have RBF*

          Yeah, night terrors are mostly just a sleep disorder, and don’t necessarily have trauma associated with them. If anyone asks, just tell them you have a disruptive sleep disorder and you didn’t want to disturb your coworkers.

    2. CityMouse*

      I was thinking about the comedian Mike Birbiglia who famously jumped through a second story hotel window while asleep. His sleep issues had to do with his brain basically not putting his body to sleep. That might give LW a convenient context without trauma baggage for people “Oh I’ve got a sleep issue like Mike Birbiglia” and then leave it like that.

      1. GiantPanda*

        If it helps and LW1 is up to it he could also prepare a comment about Cthulhu showing up regularly in his sleep or some similar fiction.

        1. Glomarization, Esq.*

          Why on earth should the LW make up lies about having the same problem as some random comedian or regularly dreaming about monsters, when their stated goal is to avoid gossip and maintain their privacy?

        2. dotty*

          LW is a whole grown adult and probably doesn’t need to be nearly so cutesy. This comment is pretty dismissive of the actual aftereffects of trauma.

        3. Nancy*

          No, LW1 doesn’t need to do that, or make some comment about Mike Birbiglia (never heard of this person). That’s odd.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        This is a whole interesting aspect of sleep I hadn’t realized until recently. If your body fails to paralyze you, you get sleep walking. If your body fails to unparalyze you when you start to wake, you get the sensation of something crouching on your chest while you’re unable to move. (Often the reason your body is rousing is that you need to shift position so you can take a deep breath.)

        1. Emmy Noether*

          Ah, is that where the idea of the night-mare as a demon comes from (essentially a demon crouching on the sleeper’s chest causing bad dreams)?

          1. Ally McBeal*

            I believe so, yes. My mother had this exact experience as a child and has held onto it as a religious experience (she’d had a near-death experience not long before that and was saved by her “guardian angel” so it was a very stressful time for her, which likely impacted her dreams) and I don’t have the heart to break it to her.

          2. Nonanon*

            That’s one theory, the other is the cat fell asleep on your chest and you happened to wake up and get a glimpse at him

            1. skylight*

              lol! Stayed at my mom’s to take care of her cats while she was away. Kept waking up to find one cat on my chest. Don’t have cats so I wasn’t expecting it.

              1. Reluctant Mezzo*

                I slept on my stomach as a child and then Large Orange Cat would sleep across my back, and it was hard moving him when I awoke. Also ended up with an unexpected kitten sleeping at the back of my neck one time visiting my in-laws (smart kitten, knew I was fully trained).

            2. Helen Waite*

              I had a cat who would wait until I started to wake up, then she would sit on my chest and purr. She wouldn’t move until she was good and ready, and of course she was huge.

              1. Persephone Mulberry*

                I had a cat who did this. My dude, do you understand that I can’t get your breakfast when you’re pinning me to the bed?

        2. HailRobonia*

          That happened to me once… it was the night after high school graduation and I woke up with sleep paralysis – which I didn’t know was a thing. I couldn’t move and standing on my chest was a cartoon camel that looked at me and said “hellooooo!”

          When I finally shook it off I could feel my body shaking in fear despite the silly image… good thing I wasn’t raised in a culture that had “sitting ghosts” or “night hags” because that is surely what I would have seen.

          1. Wefrence Libwarian*

            Lol omg your camel! My sleep paralysis buddy was a tall skinny man who was leaning forward next to my bed and balancing on one leg, with the other straight up in the air. And doing one of those extra wide grins. I would have liked a cheerful camel instead haha but either way the experience is still a bit freaky. That was the first (and so far only) time that I’ve had sleep paralysis.

          2. Elizabeth West*

            I never have a cartoon camel, lol. I don’t see or hear anything, really. Mine is just feeling like something or someone is pressed up against my back (I sleep on my side) and I can’t move. It freaked me out at first, but once I found out what it was, it became kind of interesting. Now if it happens, I just try to see if I can move or tell my body “Hey, I’m awake; catch up!”

          3. allathian*

            There’s a theory that people’s experiences of being abducted by aliens are actually cases of sleep paralysis.

            I’ve had it a couple times, and it was terrifying. I sleep on my side so I just felt heavy and like I’d forgotten how to move. After the first incident, I started having nightmares of waking up with sleep paralysis during surgery, unable to move or communicate but aware. I’ve never needed anesthesia and I’m genuinely terrified of it.

        3. Happy*

          Those are some manifestations, but there are others. I experience sleep paralysis and it doesn’t feel like something on my chest – I just can’t move even though I am trying to (which is terrifying).

    3. Lala*

      yes, as early as possible. I understand why Allison says wait until the block is booked, but has someone who has the joy of making reservations for a boss who somehow thinks it is ok to wait until the last minute, if possible, there just isn’t always another room to be had. or one at the same conference rate anyway.

    4. Emmie*

      I support this. I ask for hotel rooms away from my coworkers all the time. We are usually a smaller group so I can ask at check in. I tell the hotel that I like to get ice in my pajamas and do not want to run into coworkers. They laugh. My reason is true but not the only reason I want separate space. I do not intend to make light of your trauma. I wanted to share how common the request is and my reasons for the request. Perhaps you can borrow my excuse.

      2. Smithy*

        I think it’s always helpful context to normalize requests like this that can be more personal/private medical reasons as well as generalize preferences. I’m thinking of people who want to be close to or far from an elevator, being on a low floor, etc. There are can be medical accommodation needs and there’s also personal preference.

        Also, most of the times “hotel blocks” really do not translate into people having rooms all next each other. I’ve been to a few events where hotel room blocks were booked and have truly seen rooms get books really far apart from one another. So not only should it be possible but not an end result that other coworkers would notice as unusual.

        1. Miette*

          I came here to add this. Just because it’s called a block, doesn’t mean all the rooms form one. It just means your company is booking a grouping of rooms under the same corporate name and/or billing. I’ve done this for fan cons and work events and such, and–unless your firm has booked a very large number–every hotel will say they can’t guarantee rooms will be near to each other.

      3. noom*

        Me too. I’m a woman working with nearly all men, and don’t want to have to make small talk with my boss while sweaty in my running gear, or before my morning coffee. I’ve always just asked at check-in, and it has never even occurred to me to tell the hotel staff why I’m asking, and it’s never been an issue.

      4. Momma Bear*

        That is a great example but I did have to read it twice to figure out you don’t sleep with ice in your PJs!

        I suspect this is not as uncommon as LW fears. This thread has been a great source of reasons. I have a friend I have occasionally travelled with who is upfront about their sleep issues and we never share a room. I hope that LW gets the room they need without issue.

      5. Emmie*

        Seems like I gave everyone a good laugh!

        Nothing scandalous. Sweatpants, normal t-shirt, and no ice in my pajamas!

        I ask for the distance because of ice and my need to introvert, but also for reasons related to OP’s request.

    5. Paisley*

      Very true. I’ve been to many conferences where our team purchased a block of rooms and each one of us are on different floors, different wings. When they say a block of rooms, it’s not literal, it just means they were got a special rate because of the number of rooms they purchased. Even if you didn’t say anything, everyone would most likely be in different parts of the hotel, but to be sure, Alison’s advice is spot on, call the hotel, give them your name (or confirmation number if you have it) and ask them to have your room be away from the group. I wonder, would calming “sleep” music played quietly in the room help? I wish you all the best and hope you are able to figure out how to lessen the night terrors.

    6. BW*

      Just because your office or the conference booked a “block of rooms” does NOT mean that the rooms are physically next to each other. It just means that a certain number of rooms are reserved for this conference. I can almost guarantee that your room won’t be near anyone you know. Plus, when you check in, or even before, you can call up the hotel and request a room away from everyone else.

      1. Venus*

        Hotels will often have a group of rooms together for large bookings, based on my experience travelling to many parts of the country. If LW wants a room away from everyone then they should request it and not just assume that the assigned room won’t be near anyone.

        It’s also my experience that there at least a few people who are in different parts of the hotel, so that’s very normal and LW’s coworkers likely won’t notice. Yet LW shouldn’t count on being one of those people unless they ask!

    7. Tio*

      It’s probably also worth mentioning to the hotel workers that you sometimes have night terrors and make a lot of noise, so they won’t be alarmed or call the police if anyone in the room next door – be it coworkers or otherwise – ARE alarmed and alert the front desk. As said you don’t have to mention the PTSD at all, for any reason, but mentioning the night terror aspect will probably be less of a problem than potentially having a whole disruption at 3am

      1. jane's nemesis*

        I’m surprised I got this far to find this advice – I’m concerned about the other guests who will hear OP screaming, even if they’re not his colleagues!

        1. Venus*

          I was thinking the same thing too! Presumably LW travels often enough that this is an expected part of their trip, so they didn’t mention it, and are only enquiring about how to deal with a specific situation where the hotel has many coworkers.

      2. carrot cake*

        What if there’s a real emergency? Encouraging hotel workers to assume the noise is benign and to shrug it off as “Oh, it’s just that person” seems risky.

        OP: If it were me, I’d explain the situation briefly, note that you don’t want to disturb other guests as the main reason why you’d like a separate room, and carry around a device (phone, medic button, etc.) at all times so you can address a real emergency if needed, especially if it comes up as you are experiencing your PTSD.

        I’m sorry someone put you into this aspect of your life.

    8. Hamster Manager*

      Definitely call the hotel! Personally every “block” of work rooms I’ve ever been a part of have been scattered all over the building. I’m not sure if employers request that, but I have to believe it’s a lot easier for the hotel to do it that way (as opposed to like, a wedding party who want to be together) so you may be good already.

    9. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

      I’m curious whether a “block of rooms” always means a group of rooms all right next to each other. Or if it means a bunch of rooms in the hotel with a discount for volume. I imagine it would be much harder for a hotel to do the first thing than the second one, since they probably want to distribute guests evenly across floors. All that is to say, I hope it’ll be a straightforward request to the hotel. You could consider telling them you have night terrors or something else noisy, in the hope of having a room without next-door neighbours.

      And if anyone asks questions, that’s just the room they assigned you to. How would you know about how hotel staff assigns guests to rooms?

    10. Sparkles McFadden*

      I have done a fair amount of business travel and I have found that many, many people have sleeping issues. Very loud snoring, CPAP machines, acting out dreams, sleepwalking, sleep-talking, and, yes, night terrors. Some people were very open about this stuff, some less so, but there’s no need for anyone to give any explanation at all.

      Also, as others have said, our travel folks tried to put us away from each other so we’d all have time away from our coworkers. We weren’t usually seated next each other on plane trips either. The hotel will have no issue with honoring your request, and normal coworkers wouldn’t think about it at all. Sure, some coworkers think everyone has to do everything in a group, but people like that are why the hotel folks are used to the request you’re going to make.

  3. Nodramalama*

    LW4 maybe this is because of the nature of my job that things can’t just be left to be caught up for weeks, but whenever I go on any significant leave I’m expected to do a handove and nominate people who I anticipate can handle it if something comes up in my absence. Sometimes its literally just all my manager, but they need to know what might come up and where its at.

    I’m a bit confused by the reluctance to organise a back up!

    1. Dog momma*

      Me too. Every job I’ve had in health care, ( not direct patient care) has required a backup; bc of timeframes. We were all cross trained for specifics, with manager backup as needed.

      1. Mad Scientist*

        It’s not really “assigning” them tasks. Sometimes it’s as simple as asking a coworker if they’re going to be available while you’re out and if they’re comfortable handling any questions about X or taking care of Y. My out of office message usually looks something like “I’ll be away from September X to Y. If you have an urgent request about process Z, please contact Sally. For all other requests, please contact Steve. Otherwise, I will respond to your request after I return.”

      2. londonedit*

        It’s been completely normal everywhere I’ve worked. People routinely go on one/two-week holidays, and their colleagues help out wherever they can while they’re off. And then when your colleagues are off, you help out too. You leave notes with your colleagues so they know roughly what’s happening with your projects, and then it’s not so much ‘assigning tasks’, it’s more ‘The interim report on the llama field is due in on the 25th – there’s nothing to be done on it from our side, but could you forward it to Tabitha and ask her to send me feedback by the 30th, when I’m back?’ or ‘Jane in Finance knows I’m away, but if any urgent invoices do come in, she’ll send them to you so that you can code them while I’m off’. You get the bulk of your work off your desk, but if there are small things that need doing to keep things moving, your colleagues handle those. And they act as a point of contact for anything urgent – even if it is just so there’s someone who can pick up an email and say ‘Sorry, Sally’s away until the 30th – I’ll make sure this is top of the pile when she’s back’ or ‘I’m not sure how far Sally got with this before her holiday, but let me ask Production and see whether they know when the proofs will be in’. It’s not literally doing someone’s job for them, but it’s just keeping things ticking over.

      3. Nodramalama*

        It’s not really an assignment. It’s more like, we’re expecting this advice back on Tuesday so when it comes through can you forward it onto X and answer any follow up questions?

      4. ferrina*

        Work culture/team structure make a difference. In some places, it’s pretty normal to be able to arrange coverage with your teammates. In other places, the manager will reassign the tasks. Sometimes you can recommend experts to your manager (“I usually work with Samanatha to generate the invoices- here’s the information she’ll need before she can do her part”)

        I have been in a couple places where I didn’t have teammates and my boss wasn’t going to do my job, so I really couldn’t designate coverage for myself. In those cases, I would document a list of all the projects, the current status, and what would be happening in the couple weeks after I returned (so if someone said “when is the report from Project X coming”, my boss could tell them). That was really bandaids on major wounds though- crosstraining/coverage planning is an essential part of a business. It allows people to take vacations and ensures that the business has minimal impact if someone is unexpectedly out (due to illness or winning the lottery)

        1. Charlotte Lucas*

          This! My role is unique to my team, and I have access to different systems. Someone has to be trained to back me up for certain things. And some stuff just has to wait. (Sometimes my backup has to be members of a different team under a completely different director.)

          But I have also worked in roles where you can just ask people to help you keep track. And I had a team once where we rotated tasks every month, including assigned backups. We came up with that on our own, then just presented to our manager.)

    3. Anonymous Tech Writer*

      It might be like mine where doing the work requires very software/hardware configurations and Jira memberships–and that’s before training on the specific projects in process.

    4. TGMC*

      Meanwhile, I read #4 and was like ‘wow that boss is out of touch, expecting OP to simply shift their job to someone else!’
      I definitely see where there are roles that would necessitate official handoffs and backups, but I’ve never had one of them. Max I need to do — heck, max I CAN do– is making sure my status is updated and telling one piece of software to use an alternate approve. Beyond that, if I’m not in, my job doesn’t get done, and I have to do all the backlog later.

      1. NotRealAnonForThis*

        That’s where I fell with OldJob.

        This assignment would have just been extra work on the front end…and if you guys are guessing that absolutely nothing would have been done regardless having done a turnover meeting, and I’d spend the two weeks following vacation scrambling to keep the balls in the air to the tune of 55-60 hour weeks, you’d be correct.

    5. Katie*

      Right! I am the only one who has my job though have other teammates. The convo with my manager with my PTO is asking who is covering for me while I am out. She will help if I get pushback but I am the one responsible for putting together a plan.

      Heck, this has been the case since I started out an entry level employee.

    6. r..*

      A lot of companies *usually* don’t really put much stock into backups, or the cross-training required, especially if they don’t have a culture of leaving employees alone on their vacation and instead just ring them up in an emergency.

      In those company cultures “organize a backup for X” often only happens as prelude to “let X go”; people habituated to those cultures who’ve never had experience with a company culture that cross-trains for resilience, not for replacability, will therefore understandably become quite wary in such a situation.

      This situation and dynamic is quite common in business continuity and disaster recovery consulting, and the reason why the “interesting bits” of BCP/DR deal so much with company culture.

    7. doreen*

      It might not be reluctance to organize a backup so much as that the LW is not used to choosing one. For the first fifteen or so years of my working life, I didn’t need to choose a backup – my backup was the person who I shared an office with , or the other person in my title in the same bureau or building. When I transferred and was the only person in the building in my title, I had to ask about the back-up. Was there someone assigned , was I to arrange it myself, did it have to be the same person every time ?

    8. Turquoisecow*

      Yeah I’ve always had this for work as well. Usually it was my boss on my out of office message in case of emergencies, and someone else would handle any routine non-urgent but can’t wait for me to get back task.

      Like a weekly report run every Tuesday or data entered every Thursday would get handled by Jane (and I’d show her what to do and go over it if needed before leaving) and any issues she or anyone else had that couldn’t wait would go to my boss (who would then triage if they could wait or if they or someone else needed to do it before I returned.)

    9. maelen*

      I think LW4 has had a backup–it was the previous manager. That fits with the previous manager leaving and LW4 had to monitor emails, etc. during sabbatical.

    10. SunnyShine*

      It’s a new push through Reddit’s Antiwork group and in TikTok. A lot believe they shouldn’t find back up as that’s the manager’s job.

      In my industry, it’s normal to have a backup. Usually it’s just a coworker who does similar work. One person we have needs a backup with specific training. The manager picked the person backup person and it was horrible. OP, your manager trusts your enough to pick someone that won’t hurt your work. I would say you don’t want a brand new manager to pick them out as they might be getting used to everyone still.

    11. fhqwhgads*

      I don’t think it’s reluctance to having a backup. I think LW4 wants the manager to say “so and so is your backup now, disconnect when you’re out”. Whereas LW4’s manager said (or LW interpreted the manager to have said) “figure out who your backup should be and make them your backup”.

  4. Vique*

    LW1 – absolutely contact the hotel. Having worked in this field for 10+ years, the hotel won’t even blink at your request.
    We’ve had every request under the sun- from “keep X person away from Z person as they hate each other and need different floors, to Y person is claustrophobic and can’t use the lift so needs a room on a low floor”

    1. UKDancer*

      I can confirm, as someone who has also worked in hotels as a student, people make all sorts of requests and most hotels are pretty unshockable so this won’t even register as surprising to them. It’s fairly common for people not to want to be near their colleagues.

      Just ask them for a room away from your colleagues and get them to confirm they can do that and it should be fine.

    2. LW1*

      I guess that makes a lot of sense. I don’t really come from a family where hotel stays were common, and I remember folks being stressed about asking for anything the few times we did stay in one.

      I’m learning a lot of things aren’t like how I assumed. It’s really nice to know this won’t be seen as weird or unusual by the hotel!

      1. UKDancer*

        Hotels, especially those dealing with conferences and events are very used to people wanting things and part of their job is trying to make things as smooth as possible. In a big hotel saying “can I not be near my colleagues please” is a lot less demanding than many of their guests would be. Unless you’re asking for something really difficult or time consuming (which this isn’t) they’ll try and accommodate.

        Obviously in a 5 room boutique guest house they don’t have the option of moving you away but any big hotel will not find this difficult (based on my experience of working for big hotels).

      2. Guacamole Bob*

        LW1, I feel you! I have learned over the years to be more comfortable just asking politely for things that I would like from businesses I work with, but my natural instinct is that I’m being a bother or that what I’m asking for is unreasonable. It’s taken time to realize that whatever I might think of to ask is generally well within the bounds of what people deal with every day and it’s no big deal.

        Sadly, as long as you approach it politely and are respectful if someone tells you that something isn’t possible, you’re still way ahead of many people.

      3. Dahlia*

        General rule of thumb – if a business is taking your money, they tend to want you to be happy. If you’re polite and not unreasonable, they will probably do their best to make you as happy as possible. It makes you more likely to come back and to recommend them.

      4. Kevin Sours*

        I would recommend checking in promptly. If you wait until late in the evening they may have fewer options if they need to juggle stuff at check in.

      5. Meep*

        That’s understandable. My family travels a lot so I know it is often common enough that we will get multiple rooms on different floors from the group depending on time of year. I imagine it will naturally shake out like that since you will probably have people arriving early or late for the conference, but never hurts to double check!

      6. goddessoftransitory*

        You could probably walk in with an ostrich and be met with a bland look at many hotels.

        You are not weird or unusual in the least, and neither is your requirement. The hotel WANTS to make sure you are happy and comfortable–that’s their entire job! Knowing what you need helps them do that.

    3. GDUB*

      Also, a “block of rooms” doesn’t mean that they reserved a bunch of adjacent rooms for your company. They are just saving that many rooms. It’s an accounting/reservation block, not a physical group.

      1. OrdinaryJoe*

        Second this! Even traveling with 50 other co-workers, conference hotels are often so large, it was very common that none of us were particularly close to each other. It’s not like a reserved floor for your group or anything.

      2. BookingBlocks*

        In my experience as someone who has (infrequently) booked blocks of rooms they actually do default to trying to put them together. It’s just often not possible. I’ve always been asked how much of a priority that is for my group, though, and they make efforts accordingly.

    4. ScruffyInternHerder*

      So honest question for you, since my experience with youth sports teams is absolutely coloring things here:

      Do they actually put a block together?

      Whenever we’d have a team block (and it was a team block, they had a list of names, and you had to give the block reservation code upon which they’d check you off the list, I hate stay-to-plays) they always kept us as far from each other as possible.

      1. Georgia Carolyn Mason*

        I’ve certainly had experiences where I (and a few other folks unrelated to the group) were in rooms amongst a big team of teen athletes, and I admit I switched immediately. At this point, if I see a big bus outside — whether it’s youth sports or something else — I tend to ask for a room away from the group. Sometimes I’m told they’re not all together, but the times I’ve been placed among them, the hotels have always been cool.

    5. Bitte Meddler*

      Every time I travel for work, I look up the hotel’s layout (if available) and/or look at a Google Maps satellite view to determine the east side of the building, so I can request a room on that side.

      I have a hard time waking up without getting a blast of sunlight in my eyeballs (so, like, I may physically be up and brushing my teeth, putting on makeup, etc., but my brain is really sluggish until I get a hit of sunlight).

      Every single hotel has accommodated my request. A couple of times when I’ve checked in, I’ve asked if my room was on the east side and they were like, “Oops. Sorry. That request didn’t get logged. Let me assign you a different room.”

      When you say, “I’d like a room on the opposite end of the building or on a whole different floor from any of my co-workers,” they’re probably just going to think, “Oh, yeah, I’d want a break from all that togetherness with co-workers, too.”

  5. HannahS*

    OP1, if it would put your mind at ease to have an easy lie in your back pocket (in case you’re worried about what to say if someone notices or questions you on it), consider the following options:

    “I had no idea the hotel would do that! Oh, well. But I’ll still see you guys lots at XYZ event! I’m so excited, aren’t you?” –> this risks a busy-body “doing you a favour” and persuading the hotel to keep you away. A really good hotel will understand that this information shouldn’t be shared; an ordinary one may not.

    “Oh gosh well, you know, I don’t really like to talk about it but I [sleepwalk OR sleep sing OR have terrible insomnia and need to pace the halls at night] It can be awkward and I get so worried about running into other people that I can’t relax and it just makes things worse. But I’ll still see you guys lots at XYZ event! I’m so excited, aren’t you?”

    Good luck.

    2. The Prettiest Curse*

      Having worked a medium-sized conference in 500-ish room hotels for many years, it’s much more likely that you’ll be in a room away from your colleagues than close to them. If it’s a bigger hotel, you’re even less likely to be close to them.

      OP 1, it’s unlikely that the hotel will bat an eyelid at your request and there are excellent suggestions in these comments for deflecting any nosy or pushy colleagues who try to do an end run around you. I hope you have a stress-free conference experience. As a fellow survivor, I’m wishing you strength and healing.

      2. Hotel California*

        Yeah, I’ve never been by my coworkers, it always seems super random, we just meet in the lobby.

        1. Jackalope*

          I think I’ve had a room close to a coworker exactly once, and that was because we checked in at the same time, and also requested it so we could work on something (a presentation? I no longer remember). And even then, “close” meant “on the same floor about 10-15 rooms away”, not “next door”.

      3. LW1*

        Thanks for your insight! I don’t come from a family where group travel was ever really a concern, and I’m not used to the idea of being able to make a request and have the hotel just kinda go with it.

        I guess I just assumed it would be an imposition? It sounds like it shouldn’t be from what you, Alison, and the other commenters are saying.

        1. RedinSC*

          It’s been my experience that “block of rooms” also does not mean on the same floor or by each other. It’s just a number of rooms reserved for 1 specific organization. So the rooms most likely will be all over the hotel, but also never hurts to ask about it when making the reservation.

          I’m sorry this is adding stress for you. Go to the conference and learn and enjoy.

    3. Ellis Bell*

      I think preparing something like this, just in case, can alleviate anxiety, but honestly I would be very surprised if OP’s colleagues even notice where his room is. I know he’s anxious about being gossiped about and looking like he’s having hookups, but it’s not a sleepover and hotels commonly scatter people even when it’s a group booking. If anyone notices it’s on the other side, I would just shrug and say “It’s a pretty nice room, I already unpacked”. There are events for being together with your coworkers, you don’t need to be room neighbours too!

      1. HannahS*

        Oh I totally agree. I doubt anyone will say anything. I happen to be someone who always needs a “but what if the most uncomfortable social experience happens, what could I say?” as a security blanket. But truly, being low-key and shrugging it off will work and it will be not a big deal.

      2. UKDancer*

        Yeah I mean I was away some colleagues last month at a conference and from what I can remember we were spread about despite booking together. One of my colleagues has mobility needs so he always tends to request a room by the lift or on a low floor so he doesn’t have as far to walk. Otherwise I couldn’t tell you where people were exactly.

        1. Debby*

          LW, even when we (my dear Hubby and I) book a hotel room for ourselves and for our Daughter and her husband, we have to request rooms NEAR each other! And that’s us booking for all, at the same time :)

      3. WellRed*

        Yeah even people traveling in groups staying in reserved blocks check in separately. I’ve been near a colleague maybe once in 20 years.

    4. I didn't say banana*

      I agree. Night terrors can happen for reasons unrelated to trauma – there’s no reason OP would ever have to disclose something he doesn’t want to. If he had to explain, something like “I yell in my sleep” would be an easy way out.

        1. Joana*

          My mother and sister both snore so loudly that I can hear them from a different floor in the house! I’ve taken to wearing ear plugs to sleep (because of that and just general inability to not be bothered by little noises close by when I’m trying to sleep).

      2. Ellis Bell*

        Yeah I think the OP doesn’t want to say “scream”, because even though lots of people with sleep disorders scream, he feels scream implies trauma. Like you say, he can use any number of euphemisms like ” I have a noisy sleep disorder”, ” I yell in my sleep” , “Sometimes I shout in my sleep”, etc

    5. Irish Teacher.*

      Yeah, my brother has sometimes sleepwalked, I think due to claustrophobia – he says he dreams he’s locked in and sleepwalks to the door of his room to check.

      I wouldn’t assume trauma if somebody said they sleepwalk/call out in their sleep.

      Personally, I’d go with your second suggestion rather than the first because I have worked with people who’d respond to the first with, “oh, that’s not on. I’ll go and get the hotel to change that. You shouldn’t have to be away on your own.”

  6. Strive to Excel*

    OP 1 – for what it’s worth, I just came back from a conference at a big hotel. Our party of 5 was split across 3 out of 4 separate towers! We just assumed the hotel stuck us wherever their algorithm said was good for them, for the 30 seconds or so that it came up. I doubt your coworkers will even know.

    2. Emmy Noether*

      Yes! In my experience with conferences, my colleagues and I have always been scattered randomly around the hotel – we’ve never had a true dedicated “block” of rooms. We’ve also had groupings of rooms and then some people scattered elsewhere – nobody thinks it’s unusual (and that wasn’t by request – at least not by me). It’s whatever works for the hotel with their other bookings, cleaning schedule, etc. Since it’s random, I have randomly been right next to someone I know, though, so I wouldn’t leave it to chance.

      Make the request, probably none of your coworkers will even notice where your room is.

        1. Emmy Noether*

          Nah, I know someone who runs a small vacation complex (just 11 units), and room allocation can be a surprisingly complex puzzle.

          They’re not going to introduce any complications deliberately. It’s just the first solution to the puzzle that works.

          1. Ellis Bell*

            No I wasn’t thinking of it as a complication, but more like it simplifies things to make it the rule rather than people questioning requested exceptions; or that it’s simpler because people get into less trouble when they’re split up (I guess the interns stealing booze is looming large in my memory!)

    3. Myrin*

      I think OP is mostly concerned because of this part: “[leadership are] planning to book a block of hotel rooms”, so they’re apparently intentionally trying to keep everyone together. But even then, well, it’s always possible this just won’t be doable 100% on the hotel’s side.

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        Folks who’ve worked in hotels can go into more detail on this, but in relation to bookings, “block” usually just means that the hotel will give you a discount for booking a large number of rooms at the same time. (Usually 10 rooms or more, but this can vary.)

        Big conferences usually negotiate discount codes for attendees and for companies planning to reserve rooms for multiple people. It doesn’t mean that the rooms are next to (or even anywhere close to) each other, unless it’s a really small hotel. The term definitely is a bit confusing, though!

        2. LW1*

          I didn’t know this! Coming from a background where this wasn’t really ever something we’d be in a place to consider, I just assumed it meant “you get the first five rooms on each side of the hall.” Like a physical block seems like it would make sense, but I guess not? Thanks for explaining!

          1. House On The Rock*

            Nope, “block” doesn’t necessarily mean physical section of the building. It can (frequently does) mean a set number of rooms negotiated at a specific price for an organization or event. This is dependent on the hotel, what other rooms they have booked, and their overall layout. Some hotels will have all similar rooms on one floor/side so it might make sense to say “these 10 standard king rooms go to this reservation”, but not always. It’s quite possible they will pick 10 different standard king rooms around the hotel as the block. As other have said, the hotel won’t think anything of a request to not be by others in that block, if that’s even how they are doing it.

          2. Emmy Noether*

            The thing is that the people who were in those rooms before probably left on different days, so it’s not really efficient to hold the rooms ready to be used as a physical block for you. (Unless the whole hotel is booked for just the conference and there is complete turnover within 1 day. ) If the hotel is anywhere near full, you’ll get rooms of people who happened to leave that morning, which is randomly distributed.

            I hope you have a good time at your conference! And really, as others have said, hotel staff have heard everything and are happy to help, so no need to be shy about asking for things (especially if it’s easy for them to do and costs nothing).

          3. The Prettiest Curse*

            I hope that the comments here have put your mind at ease and that you have a stress-free and enjoyable conference experience. Please update us if you can!

          4. TotesMaGoats*

            To echo everyone, the block is in the system for cost not physical rooms. You likely won’t be near any of your team. I take college students on international trips where all the rooms are booked by a travel planner and even then rooms were spread all over the hotel. Different floors. Different towers.

          5. Georgia Carolyn Mason*

            Yeah, it’s generally used to mean “block off this many for Y group at Z rate,” not “a block all in a row.”

        3. Guacamole Bob*

          I’d be curious if hotels treat different types of groups in different ways. My main experience with blocks of hotel rooms is when attending weddings, and with family and the wedding party there’s more popping in and out of each other’s rooms getting ready and such so where people are in relation to each other matters more (and more often I do see people in nearby rooms).

          With business groups people seem to end up all over the place, as the general assumption is that it’s done for the pricing and booking convenience but it really doesn’t matter where the rooms are and the hotel just assigns rooms however.

          1. UKDancer*

            I think it depends what you ask for. If you’re a wedding party you’d probably ask for the rooms all to be on the same floor so people can pop in and out. Same ask if you ask for a particular room or a particular type. If people don’t specify then they get what is free in the room type they’ve asked for.

            I guess if a business group specifically asked for rooms adjacent then they’d get them but otherwise you get what you get unless you ask specifically.

            1. The Prettiest Curse*

              It does work a bit differently for weddings than conferences – sometimes hotels will guarantee adjoining or connecting rooms for wedding parties as part of their wedding packages, since that’s the type of group who are more likely to request it.

              1. Afac*

                Even when requested, there’s only so much power hotels have to meet that request. I’ve been on any number of extended family vacations where we have asked in advance to be next door to my relatives’ families, and usually the closest that we can get is rooms on the same hallway.

                Given the logistics of rooms, I’d say it’s easier to meet a request to be separate than together.

                1. The Prettiest Curse*

                  Agreed, and even when hotels include this in wedding packages, the adjoining/connecting rooms are usually reserved for the bridal party or whoever they designate, not everyone who’ll be staying there for the wedding.

          2. doreen*

            Even with non-business groups, I find that the rooms are usually not all together- there’s always that one person who arrives so early that there is only one room ready nowhere near where the rest will end up.

          3. learnedthehardway*

            I’ve been on family vacations and DESPITE trying to get adjacent rooms, we’ve all ended up on different floors.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              That happened to us when my family went to San Antonio for a family reunion. There were a LOT of us, and it was a large hotel, but we weren’t all near each other.

        4. Pastor Petty Labelle*

          Yeah when I had a block of rooms for my wedding, we were scattered all over the hotel. Different floors, different areas.

          Block means X number of rooms blocked off from availability for these days. Not block as in this group of rooms on this floor.

        5. Really?*

          “Block” means holding a certain number of rooms at a certain price for people affiliated with a particular group. Members of the group generally book into the block individually via a code, or, if the rooms are to be billed to one account, the organizer will provide a rooming list — that is, a list of people that will be accommodated under the master bill. The “blocked” rooms are not available for sale to other, non-group affiliated people until they are released from the block. Even if a rooming list is provided, room assignments are usually somewhat random unless the organizer has specified that they want the rooms near each other. And Op1 will not be unique in preferring to be accommodated away from his colleagues. Based on my experience, I think most people prefer not to run into their colleagues on their way back from the gym or before their first cup of coffee. And if Op1 explains that he sometimes make noise in his sleep, most properties will try to put him someplace where he’d be less likely to disturb others if at all possible – at the end of a hall or near the fire stairs for example.

      2. londonedit*

        Yeah, I think it more generally means ‘block booking’, as in booking X number of rooms at the same time, rather than booking a literal block of rooms all next to each other. Usually the hotel just fits people in where there’s availability, even if they’re all booked under the same ‘block’.

    4. Hyaline*

      Yes—was going to say that in many cases a “block” is not actually, like, a block-shaped configuration of booked rooms. It’s so normal the coworkers will probably not even notice.

    5. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      The only time I’ve seen a large group of contiguous rooms as part of a “room block” for a convention is when the convention plans to do something in the suites in that part of the hotel, and wants to minimize noise/traffic complaints from non-attendees. So, at a convention with a “party floor” they’ll make sure that people in the rooms next to the party suites (and, ideally, every room on that floor/wing/etc.) are people who are also attending the event having that party. We’ll also do that for rooms near a hospitality suite or green room suite.

      Even with that reason, hotels often screw up and put non-attendees in rooms right by a high-traffic hospitality suite that we specifically warned them about and had in our contract needed that treatment, because their systems are just not set up to deal with physical blocks.

    6. Lady Kelvin*

      I was coming to say this exactly. I travel with my colleagues in reasonably large groups frequently. Sometimes we are right next to each other, sometimes we are all over the place. No one will blink an eye about you being on a different floor/wing than the rest. More likely you will all get spread out anyways based upon room availablity.

  7. Sleve*

    LW3: there are plenty of reasons why someone wouldn’t want to risk a video of themselves ending up on the internet via some third-party database breach (a stalker, estranged family, they’re a refugee from an unfriendly country). And there’s no way any private individual can continuously guarantee that any particular remote calling software hasn’t recently turned evil and started saving the live footage that they promised they would never ever store. So long as you’re willing to properly verify your identity so they know their new worker (you) is the same person they interviewed (you) it’s a reasonable request. Most people don’t care, myself included, but that doesn’t mean that nobody should be allowed to.

    1. Smurfette*

      That doesn’t seem to be the LW’s concern though – they mentioned “I don’t live alone, I don’t have a designated office area in my home”.

      1. Irish Teacher.*

        Yeah, and I honestly think the real reason would raise less questions/objections than fears about security. One of my colleagues told us she had to keep her camera off because she was in a bedroom – possibly her young child’s – as it was the only room in her house with good wifi. Nobody thought twice about it.

      2. bleu*

        Hopefully it’s not a cameras-on culture, but if it is, virtual backgrounds are pretty standard. No one will be able to see people walking behind you or any clutter around. I subconsciously picture all my coworkers in fancy ski chalet type houses because they use that Teams background.

        3. Bitte Meddler*

          Yeah, my “office” is a corner of my very messy bedroom. I Googled images of “modern workplace” so the background that my coworkers see is a nightmare open-floor plan.

          My company’s culture is to not change your background even if you’re in one of our WeWork spaces with other employees, so we never know if someone is on their couch or sitting in a conference room.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            I would blur mine on Teams so people didn’t have to look across my kitchen right into the bathroom, just in case I forgot to shut the door.

    2. I should really pick a name*

      That scenario is sufficiently unlikely that I don’t think most employers would accept that as a reason.

      1. Antilles*

        Especially since if there IS a scenario where there’s a third party database breach into your company’s Intranet, the hackers aren’t going to be bothering with 30-minute recorded videos of people discussing productivity metrics. Instead, they’re going to be using that access to install ransomware to steal passwords, grabbing home addresses and social security numbers from HR, etc.

    3. Nicosloanica*

      I sympathized with OP, but at least in the last few orgs I’ve been in, this question would come across strangely in an early interview :( Hopefully it’s very field-dependent and would be totally fine in some places, or you can assume cameras-off is a norm. In mine it wouldn’t fly, and making it your highest priority it would seem like you wanted to get away with something, unfortunately.

      1. Amy*

        There are quite a few new people in my organization who none of us have ever met in real life and never turn on their cameras.

        It does come across strangely and I think many feel less invested in them and frequently mix them up, there’s so little visual frame of reference. It might seem unfair but I think there’s good reason to be worried about how you are being perceived when your colleagues wouldn’t recognize you if you were seated next to them on an airplane.

        If you see your colleagues in person or are a tremendous superstar, a complete cameras-off policy might be easier to overcome. But if you’re new, full remote and there’s a culture of cameras on, I wouldn’t risk.

        And I’m someone who works from the kitchen table and have several young children.

        1. Georgia Carolyn Mason*

          What about displaying a static headshot? Our Teams is configured so you can add yours when you’re not on camera, so at least people would know who you were. Particularly if you’re participating in the call and making a good impression with what you say, this could be an option for camera-haters, at least some of the time.

          1. misspiggy*

            That’s a good idea for me – joint problems mean I can’t keep my head within the camera frame for more than a minute or so, so it’s less disruptive to leave it off.

    4. John*

      How did any of you “no cameras evahhhh!” folk deal with things before COVID? These attitudes are what’s going to kill WFH for you.

      And in many cases WFH is still a privilege, not a right. Don’t ADA me – it’s /reasonable/ accommodation, and if everyone else is FTF or camera on, you can fit in with the company norms – or not…

      1. Not your trauma bucket*

        We were on conference calls without video, just like people have been for decades before good remote video software and sufficient bandwidth were available. Companies literally survived for DECADES without video conferencing.

        1. Amy*

          Many of those companies has a strong face to face / in-person presence. Full remote was not widespread before the pandemic.

          1. Not your trauma bucket*

            But it existed. I worked for globally distributed companies for YEARS and literally never saw most of the people I dealt with on a daily basis. I’m not saying it was widespread, but it’s silly to pretend we couldn’t function until video conferencing became widespread in the past few years.

            1. Theon, Theon, it rhymes with neon*

              Same. My first company (2010-2017) was distributed across one office in California plus a bunch of remote workers in the US and Ireland. Video conferencing didn’t exist except at the company all-hands, which always started 10-25 minutes late because it took that long to get the AV working. For day-to-day business, we communicated with our words, and the work got done.

            2. Bitte Meddler*

              I worked in B2B software sales for 20 years, starting in the early 1990’s. I was a high-performing salesperson who developed great relationships with prospects and clients using only — shock! — a phone.

              Most of the software companies I worked for had location all over the US and the globe. And, again, I developed great relationships with co-workers without ever once seeing their faces.

            3. I Have RBF*

              Seriously. I worked with some folks for years before I ever saw their faces. All I knew was their voices on a phone bridge. That’s what happens when you work for international companies with a “follow the sun” operations model.

          2. tabloidtained*

            Yes, this was my small company. Most people have worked here for decades, and it was never even a question that we’d be on camera remotely. Everyone just always had their cameras on when COVID isolation began. We don’t have too many meetings, but those we do have are on camera because they replicate the in-person interactions we’re used to.

            We are rarely, however, on camera with external clients. It’s an internal-only thing.

        2. ferrina*

          lol!

          When you have to remind people that phone calls were a thing….

          Side note- I have had plenty of clients that I have never seen or have never seen me. I have coworkers who I worked with for years that I have no idea what they look like, and I really don’t care. They are pleasant, easy to work with, and great at their job. While it’s nice to meet in person (usually), it’s not essential.

      2. Jackalope*

        What a strange comment! It’s true that some bosses care a lot about everyone having their cameras on, but many of them don’t. At my job we don’t ever have our cameras on unless we want them to be on, and no one bats an eye. Why would it be a problem for someone to suss out the culture on this and see if it works for them?

        1. learnedthehardway*

          Having worked remotely for over 15 years, I have found that I could get away with being off-camera pre-COVID, but that everyone expects me to be on-camera post-COVID, now that we all know how easy it is and now that most computers are advanced enough to allow for “backgrounds” so nobody has to see one’s incredibly messy home office/storage room (ahem).

          That said, a good headset with a directional microphone (that eliminates background noise) and a “background” will make it much more professional looking/sounding, if that is the OP’s concern. I can have a full on video conference with people talking outside my office door, with nobody the wiser.

        2. bleu*

          I think the most sensible option is “cameras on depending on the context” – meetings with someone outside the org, high level, or job applicants? On. Daily huddles or quick 1:1 calls? Off. Virtual backgrounds always. No need to “perform listening” if it’s just a quick meeting within your own team, but a more polished situation warrants occasional camera time.

        3. I Have RBF*

          IMO, with a globally distributed company many people don’t have the literal network bandwidth available to have their video on. I am in the heart of Silicon Valley, and yet my bandwidth is shared in my neighborhood. Some days I get dropped too often if I am even just sharing my screen, much less have video on. People did without video for years, it’s not as essential as some people think.

      3. a bunny*

        I don’t really mind being on camera from time to time, but for whatever reason I do feel more self-conscious on video call than I ever do in person.

        But whatever. The fact remains that there are plenty of remote workplaces where the culture is cameras off or cameras optional – and if the LW is able to be choosy, it’s reasonable that they’d want to select for one of them.

        1. JR17*

          Do you turn off your own self-view? I also think a lot more about what I myself look like on video conference than I ever do in person – how does my hair look, what face am I making, etc. But when I turn off self-view it’s MUCH better.

          1. a bunny*

            I’ve tried that. Then I’m less self-conscious about how I look but more so about whether I’m in frame. A problem I don’t really have in person.

            But as I said, I don’t mind the being on camera from time to time even so. I’m sure there are others who feel more strongly about it.

          2. Bitte Meddler*

            I have never found that option in Teams. What I end up doing is putting the Word doc I’m typing my notes in over the part of the screen that has my face on it.

      4. PreCovidNorms*

        Huh, what?

        Before Covid we worked remotely without ever turning on a camera, as was the norm. Camera on as default is a pandemic thing that most of us (who were remote or hybrid before the pandemic) hate.

        WFH was a normal thing for many, many people before Covid. The weird attitudes that have developed in the past few years from those who didn’t do it as a matter of course before that are ruining 30+ years worth of norms.

      5. Dahlia*

        I did online school for the first time in 2015. It was NOT expected to EVER have our cameras on. The one time my class had a meeting, we had a conference call. I used my landline. My landline did not have a camera.

      6. Antilles*

        This is an oddly aggressive framing. There’s a LOT of things in the workplace that aren’t ‘rights’. Companies aren’t required to provide PTO or a 401k plan either; those are ‘privileges too’. And I’m sure when each of these first became standard, there were similarly dismissive attitudes towards them and how employees should just be grateful they’re allowed. But companies still provide these things and adapted to it being a norm, because they realized that it’s a competitive advantage to provide to the extent possible. WFH is just another version of this, because there are indeed a lot of employees who value flexibility to work remotely.

        I’m also not really sure why you mentioned “don’t ADA me” because absolutely nobody was discussing this letter in those terms.

  8. JR17*

    For those that prefer camera off, is that your preference even for small meetings, like calls with 1-2 other close coworkers? Or specifically for the kind of big calls that are a sea of squares and you don’t personally know most of the others?

    1. Bex (in computers)*

      I’m camera off as long as I can be. I have a monthly checkin tomorrow and my boss is remote so it has to be camera on and I’m dreading it. Even minimizing or hiding my video self view doesn’t change it.

      I hate knowing the camera is on. I hate knowing it’s there. It makes me edgy and nervous and insanely sure that I’ll for the very first time in my adult life decide to go digging for nose gold to the last knuckle. And heaven forbid I do catch a glimpse of my own feed.

      It’s misery. I wish I were born in a timeline where the ability to see ourselves did not exist.

    2. Willem Dafriend*

      I’m camera off whenever I can get away with it for disability reasons, regardless of meeting size. If I’m off-camera and it’s a remote day, I don’t have to waste energy I could be using on my work/the meeting on sitting upright or making myself presentable. I also don’t have to be visibly “on,” I just have to participate and sound “on,” and that can be the difference between working as planned and having to call out sick in the middle of the workday. (Especially when I have multiple back to back meetings, which tends to happen.)

      1. Anon today*

        Sigh, yeah. I wish the whole matter weren’t so fraught, because I’d rather not have to decide between disclosing more about my health than necessary and suffering for the sake of appearance.

        1. Pipskew*

          It sucks from both ends – I do much better with cameras on for disability-related reasons, but the conversation is always framed in terms of preference.

          1. DashDash*

            Hear, hear! I have so much trouble participating in Teams conversations when my teammates have their cameras off, because my flavor of neurodivergence makes it really hard to know when it’s acceptable to speak/when I can get a word in without accidentally interrupting if I can’t see the people I’m taking to.

            I need those visual cues to know when it’s my turn to talk, and it’s the only reason I’m absolutely fine with how exhausting it also is to have my camera on — because the visual cues are extremely important for a functional conversation sometimes. :(

          2. Kimmy Schmidt*

            I’m so glad this isn’t just me. I feel like I totally lose the thread if most people are camera’s off, and I spend so much additional energy just trying to follow the conversation and my place in it.

            1. Annie2*

              Me too – really shows how differently we all approach this! I find it somehow hard to process what people are saying if I can’t see their faces.

            2. Anon today*

              Funnily enough that can play a role for me as well. I basically need to decide on any given day if brain fog or general pain ranks higher and decide accordingly.

          3. Bitte Meddler*

            Sincere question for those who can’t follow conversations without the cameras being on: How do you handle phone calls? Do they have to be FaceTime (or whatever Android’s equivalent is)? If so, what happens when you have to call a company’s customer service department?

            1. Pipskew*

              Lots of asking people to repeat themselves, awkward pauses, intense concentration, and responding to an educated guess at what they said rather than their actual words. It’s possible, but it’s much more difficult than being able to see the person.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        #3, I would likely not ask about the camera on or off thing until I was actually offered the job. Fair or not, it could land strangely to interviewers as an important criteria at that early stage of conversation.

        My work space is in my bedroom. I blur the background or use an image from the many available online or one of my own photos. Is that not an option for you so people don’t see your workspace?

        In my case, in 2020 when everyone shifted to Zoom, I developed a real condition from staring at too many squares of faces on a screen for too many hours–I got vertigo. To the point that I couldn’t stand up without being dizzy and I thought I’d fall. The room was still spinning when I was lying down even with my eyes closed. It wouldn’t go away until after I’d slept and got up the next day.

        Now that I know about it, if I have a bunch of video meetings back to back, I tell people on the call why I need to turn off my camera and direct my eyes around the room, look out the window, etc.

        But if I’m talking to just one person, that’s what the blur and background functions are for.

        1. WS*

          Yeah, I don’t care if my camera is on, but I can’t have more than one face in view on Zoom (or people moving around too much) because I have vertigo and this is a trigger. I worked in person throughout the pandemic so I didn’t discover Zoom was a problem at work, I discovered it during a telehealth appointment. Nobody has ever questioned this or had a problem with it, but I have a long history of vertigo so it may be different for someone just discovering it.

        2. Slow Gin Lizz*

          Ooof, this is the first I’ve heard that one can develop vertigo from Zoom calls, that sounds dreadful. I agree that if it’s just that you don’t want coworkers to see that you’re working in your toddler’s playroom or whatever, you can blur your background. In my job, I like to be on camera for my team mtgs and small one-on-ones, but whenever we have big group calls where it’s only a few people presenting and I’m just listening, I turn my camera off. My reasons are that I’m extremely fidgety during these calls and I actually distract myself by trying to see if my fidgeting is noticeable on camera (and my fidgeting is disability-related so legally protected, actually). But no one really cares.

          I could be projecting here, but it sounds like OP might have been in a job, now or in the past, where cameras on was ubiquitous and/or required and really doesn’t want to be in that situation again, which is totally understandable. At my last job we would be cameras on for our all-staff mtgs and it was frustrating because the mtgs mostly consisted of our CEO talking and no one listening to him. If someone did go camera off, they would explain “I’m eating” or “I am recovering from illness and look awful” or whatever, but they wouldn’t do it without reason and it usually felt odd when someone didn’t have their camera on since we were a small group.

          In any case, unless this is a do-or-die for you, OP, you probably should wait until you start your new job and suss out the camera situation rather than preemptively ask about it in interviews (exception: if it’s disability-related you could bring it up when you get an offer but it sounds like that isn’t the case for you). I’d also recommend keeping your camera on as much as you can stand when you start your new job, especially for small group mtgs and one-on-one calls, and blur your background. After you’ve been in the new job for awhile you’ll get a feel for which mtgs people do and don’t have cameras on and you can follow their lead.

          1. JR17*

            “… I actually distract myself by trying to see if my fidgeting is noticeable on camera…” I so relate to this! This is way I always always turn self-view off, but I occasionally turn it back on to check this kind of thing.

        3. Bitte Meddler*

          Hunh. Teams has the ability to turn off the incoming video from other people’s cameras, while still leaving your own camera broadcasting your image. You can also “pop out” the shared-screen content so that it is in its own window and all the faces are in a separate window that you can minimize, if you want to.

          With Zoom, don’t all the other video boxes stay there when you turn your own camera off? We had Zoom where I worked two companies ago, and I’m pretty sure I remember being able to see all the participants even when my own camera was off.

    3. KateM*

      It is my preference always, but in small meetings I obviously go with whatever the boss of that meeting prefers.

    4. Smurfette*

      Yes, even for small meetings where I know the people – assuming that I have met them before and can put a face to the name.

      With online cameras-on meetings, you can either stare at the speaker’s face (which makes me uncomfortable) or look somewhere else (which looks as though you’ve disengaged). With an in-person meeting people can see you’re engaged without you having to make eye contact all the time.

      I do like to have cameras on for the first time I meet with someone. Sometimes I will put my camera on and say “turning my camera on for a few minutes so you can put a face to the name” and then they will generally do the same.

    5. bamcheeks*

      I’m usually camera-on BUT I actually find it much easier to concentrate camera off. Doing something with my hands and looking away from the computer screen makes it much easier to concentrate on what people are saying. If I have my camera on I feel obliged to be looking up at my screen, and if I’m looking at the screen I’m way more likely to find something to read, which stops me hearing what’s being said. So I kind of have to choose between LOOKING like I’m concentrating and actually concentrating!

      1. Paint N Drip*

        TOTALLY
        Me scrutinizing the backgrounds of each of the participants does appear to be me paying attention, for better or worse

    6. Remotor*

      I work at a completely remote organization and almost all of our meetings are all camera-on. Occasionally we’ll have people from other time zones and if it’s very early or late where they are (we sometimes have meetings at 6 am for the Australians, 10 pm for the Germans) they’re sometimes camera off but even then not really.

      I hate having the camera on for myself personally, but it does sometimes help add some body language to what people are saying and if we had a camera off culture we’d never know what anyone looked like!

      Oddly the very small meetings with coworkers are the ones we feel most comfortable doing camera off, since there’s no need to “present” as much.

    7. 2cents*

      As someone who’s been working remotely for almost a decade now, I find that there is real value in being seen – maybe not all the time, but often. I work with people who are always off camera and I wish there was a better way for me to say “I really *really* don’t care if you’re having a bad hair day or if your background is a messy bedroom or whatever, it would just be helpful for me to see you every once in a while”.

    8. SarahKay*

      I strongly prefer camera-off for myself regardless of the size of the meeting.
      I slightly prefer it for everyone else as for many of our calls we’re sharing work or a presentation, and I find the movements at the edge of the screen distracting (we use MS Teams so the shared workbook/presentation/whatever gets most of the screen and everyone’s images get shoved down the right-hand side of the screen).
      I don’t mind a quick two minutes or so of camera-on at the start, but that’s my (current) comfort limit.
      I do have my picture uploaded, as do most (but not all; it’s not mandatory) of my colleagues, and I do like having that much visual focus when chatting.

      1. Bitte Meddler*

        I posted this above, but you can “pop out” the shared-screen content so it will be in its own window, then you can minimize the window full of faces so you don’t see them.

    9. Anon for this one*

      I prefer camera off because I’m bald as an egg due to chemo (including no eyebrows, which makes it obvious I’m not bald by choice.) My coworkers know I’m getting regular medical treatment but I really don’t want them knowing details, and I prefer to reserve the “oh, I need to wear this hat right now because the sun is in my eyes” line for when I’m presenting. Obviously not most people’s reason, but everybody has a reason.

      Why do YOU prefer that everyone have cameras on? Is it so important that you see what I look like today rather than when my Zoom profile picture was taken?

      1. Pipskew*

        Not the same person, but since you ask, I have an audio processing disorder that is a non-issue if I can lipread while someone is speaking, but makes it very difficult to follow an audio-only presentation or, god forbid, conversation. The absolute worst combination is when the audio doesn’t match auto-generated captions, I may as well not be in the call at that point.

        1. sb51*

          Mine isn’t quite as bad but this—I generally can follow audio-only presentations if there’s decent audio, but I’m much less tired at the end of the day if I can subconsciously lip read in meetings.

        2. Anon for this one*

          Thank you for sharing your reasons! I’d happily have my camera on if someone suggested privately, without sharing details, that it’s hard for them to follow the conversation without visuals, rather than just “liking to see people’s faces” which is the line I usually get.

      2. amoeba*

        First of all, all the best and sorry you’re going through this!

        As to why people prefer on camera (I personally don’t have a strong preference, it really depends on the type of meeting for me!) – it’s not really about knowing what somebody looks like! On camera, you get a lot of non-verbal communication, facial expressions, etc. that you don’t have with audio only. For me, it certainly helps connect to somebody if I can see their face – and also if I can use my own to communicate.

        In addition, for me personally, it helps me focus – with camera off it’s extremely easy for me to zone out in meetings of, err, intermediate interest. (For really boring meetings where no input from me is required, I prefer camera off for the same reason, because then I just do something else… but when I’m trying to focus, it’s really helpful!)

        1. Ms. Norbury*

          Same for me! It’s not a huge problem if someone prefers or needs to keep their camera off for whatever reason, but especially in small meetings I miss the layer of non-verbal communication that I can get from seeing the person who is speaking.

          It helps me focus, too, and in meetings were there are more people and there’s a lot of back and forth, it helps me follow the conversation.

          1. amoeba*

            Ah, also one additional thing: with added video I find it much, much easier not to accidentally interrupt people. Like, you can kind of tell when somebody is going to say something and the whole “two people start talking at the same time – oh, sorry, after you – no, it’s OK” thing happens much more frequently (at least for us) with audio only!

        2. Emmy Noether*

          Same. I don’t know if it’s a very mild auditory processing thing, but audio-only is more stressful for me, and I’m completely drained and need a nap after about 45min if I’m expected to participate. I rely on nonverbal cues a lot. I have also despised phone calls all my life, until video calls became a thing. Interestingly, it’s fine if it’s listening only, and I can be sure I don’t have to participate (probably because I then have more time to process).

          Worst is if I’m presenting for any length of time and everyone is camera off and microphones off, I’m just talking into the void. It feels kinda like when I had oral exams and some of the examiners had that poker face where I have no idea what they’re thinking. Very disconcerting. Or alternatively I feel like I’ve gone crazy and I’m talking to myself.

          I also like to adjust my presentation to the audiences reactions – am I boring them? Am I losing them? Am I going too fast/slow? Which part got reactions?

          It’s not about what you look like. If you could have an avatar that did your gestures and facial expressions, that would be ok.

          I get that some people explicitly don’t want me to see their body language. We’ve had examples here of people who want to hide that they’re in pain, or who are not neurotypical and don’t look attentive when in fact they are, etc. etc. That’s fine, it’s a balance of needs, and I can deal with it if some people are cameras off. I’m just happier if some people are also cameras on.

      3. Silver Robin*

        1. not everyone uploads profile pictures; my org encourages people to do so but it is not required. Talking to a black square can get grating after a while. If it were a phone call, that would not actually be an issue because audio is the only available medium, but when both visual and audio input are available and only one is provided, it can feel like a lack of connection/engagement/what have you.

        2. Body language/facial expressions, mostly in smaller meetings, is another layer of communication

        None of these are necessarily make or break, I have colleagues who lean more heavily in either direction, it is fine. But I also know that if I joined a fully remote operation and never saw anyone’s face, I would be miserable. I like having some sociability in my workplace, it helps me feel connected to my team and invested in the work/org. Since so much of how we interact with the world is visual, and there is a whole chunk of communication that is non verbal, it would feel like I was talking to someone far away and not particularly present. I would get sad.

        1. Mari*

          THANK YOU! So many people are missing the fact that we do not only process auditory information. If I’m talking about something and everyone has their screen off, I gave nothing to go off. But with screens on, I can see Bill is deep in thought, Miranda is taking notes, and Sam is grinning enthusiastically.

          I’ve worked remote for 10 years. You’re not being asked to have a long commute, or even dress in full office attire. No one cares if you have makeup. We just want to know what you’re thinking!

      4. Head Sheep Counter*

        Camera’s off contributed to remote work being awful for me. Its impersonal. It feels like you should have just made it a phone call (thus leveling the expectation). It fakes interactions (eg you can’t actually see what people say or express (I’m big on body language and find voice only to miss a big portion of communication)). It emphasizes that I am alone adrift and without.

        I don’t actually need camera’s for the whole meeting. But yeah the we are here and real and participating portion of the intro is important to me.

        I currently work with no camera’s for video meetings… which nicely has moved from video meetings to in person meetings where appropriate and we are in the office 100% of the time. So it is balanced.

      5. Red Canary*

        I prefer having cameras on because I work at a different location from my team and I would literally never see them otherwise! I don’t spend a ton of time in meetings or Teams calls, but being able to actually see people’s expressions and body language really helps when we’re spread across two different countries and may never actually meet in person.

    10. Anonymous Tech Writer*

      I am extremely distracted by cameras on people during a technical or planning meeting. Keeping the cameras off means I can concentrate on the subject of our discussion.

      Show me the numbers. Show me the product we’re discussing and how it’s put together.

      Don’t show me the face of the sales guy wanting us to add a new feature two weeks before release date when we’re still trying to work out bugs in the last late addition.

      1. KateM*

        Haha. You remind me of an online safety video. Background was a safety information video, foreground was the presenter reading information, and not always from the camera they were looking into. But as to the sound, it was video music going more loudly than the text the presenter was reading. So both image and sound the wrong way IMO!

    11. Nicosloanica*

      Maybe this is why I said above that refusing camera would be odd in my field. Our meetings are almost always small, one or three people type meetings. In a larger meeting it’s possible to go cameras-off if you’re not the speaker, and that’s fine.

    12. Hyaline*

      Just another perspective–I try to be camera on as much as possible. After teaching remotely, I know how utterly unnerving it can be to speak to a sea of black boxes, and so I try to give the speaker the reassurance that they’re not speaking into the void. I don’t prefer it. But I realize the impact it can have.

      In meeting when it’s more like a group conversation and we’re all off-camera, that’s different (makes me think of replacing group phone calls with Zoom more than replacing meetings). But it’s also more likely people will be on-camera on those anyway.

      For those of you citing your own comfort and preference, I totally appreciate that, but realize that you may be offloading that energy drain/discomfort onto someone else, depending. (Remote meetings kinda suck, honestly…I wish we’d realized more “these meetings could be emails” instead of “we could have these meetings remotely” but here we are.)

      1. SometimesMaybe*

        I feel you so hard on the sea of black boxes. I regularly have to do online in house trainings. It is so weird giving a presentation to twenty little black squares. It causes me to lose focus and meander of topic sometimes because my brain can’t figure out if I am live or just preparing. I get people would prefer to be off camera (I sometimes do as well) but it is so frustrating from a presenters POV.

        1. MG*

          Same here. I regularly present at conferences, and love the interaction with my audience (typically 20-60 participants). I realized just how much I needed that interaction when I gave my first presentation at an online conference, way back at the beginning of the pandemic. I SO much appreciated those who had cameras on. Presenting to black boxes is the worst, IMO, which is why I also try to keep my camera on as much as possible when attending others’ talks.

    13. londonedit*

      Where I work, it’s camera on for small meetings (maybe up to 5-10 people) but anything bigger than that and it’s camera off unless you’re presenting or speaking. Personally I find it distracting if there’s a sea of little faces bobbing around, and I’d much prefer not to be on camera for the whole meeting if I’m not presenting or speaking, because I’ll have to keep all my focus on looking presentable/not doing something weird with my face/etc etc. For a small team meeting it’s more like an informal chat, and everyone’s talking back and forth, so I’m absolutely fine with having my camera on for that, because it’s more akin to being in a small room with your colleagues.

    14. VideoOffNorms*

      The thing is, folks have been working remotely for decades without ever turning on a camera. Cameras on is, for the most part, a pandemic thing.

      Cameras on eats bandwidth. Many of us organized home work spaces to optimize comfort/ usability, not presentability. Some of us have medical or disability reasons why not getting dressed up or spending spoons making spaces presentable is a boon. Some of us find video distracting and in some conferencing tools video on reduces the usable screen size for shared documents making them harder to see/interact with. And so on.

      Requirements to have video on are counterproductive and problematic.

      1. Pipskew*

        And some of us have disability reasons why seeing a speaker’s mouth movement is the difference between following easily and spending extra spoons to try to keep up. One person’s “problematic” is another person’s “accessibility requirement”.

      2. Mari*

        I have worked remotely for a decade and have always had camera on meetings. It’s not a covid thing. It is a company culture thing.

    15. Deborah Vance, Vance Refrigeration*

      We keep our cameras on during 1-1s and meetings with Important People, but day to day calls are always camera off. If I’m speaking on a call (even one with a lot of people), I usually turn my camera on when I’m talking, but not everybody does that.
      So I’d say that I have my camera on around once a week, which is reasonable for me. Some of colleagues do it even less often, others do it more.

      1. Deborah Vance, Vance Refrigeration*

        Forgot to add: cameras on for 1-1s where we are mostly talking (say, a perfomance evaluation with my boss where face to face is important), rather than a call where we’re just checking in about a project — so if we’ll be sharing a screen, then we don’t really need to see each other’s faces.

    16. JR17*

      Thank you for all the replies! It’s really interesting and helpful to hear all the various reasons people prefer cameras on or off. My organization has never required cameras on, or even suggested it, but it’s a small (like, tiny) organization, and all of us tend to keep them on most of the time, at least in smaller meetings. Certainly there are days we don’t – bandwidth issues, or just having a cameras-off kind of day. And we have one vendor we work with regularly who is cameras always off (to the point that she sent me a picture from her vacation and I didn’t know which one was her!), and that’s never been an issue. But now I’m going to ask about my coworkers’ preferences more proactively.

      I personally cameras on for smaller group things, or even medium group things where everyone is participating. I, for how my own brain works, find it easier to connect/build relationships that way, and I think the non-verbal communication is really valuable. It’s easier to follow up if someone is agreeing but looks hesitant, etc. I also find it helps the conversation flow – I remember the old days of big conference calls and people talking over each other or not knowing when they could appropriately talk. The worst was when most people were in a big conference room and two or three people were on the phone, and everyone would forget they were there, and they could never get a word in!

      I do personally like my camera off for big group things where I’m just listening, so I don’t feel like I have to mind my facial expressions and where I’m looking the whole time. That said, when I’m presenting in a big group thing, I hate looking at a sea of black boxes. It’s hard to present when I’m getting no feedback on whether it’s interesting, whether it makes sense, etc.

      Anyway, obviously many many reasons why people either prefer or need one or the other, and those preferences and needs can align or conflict. So I’ll start bringing this up with the people I work with regularly to do a better job of meeting everyone’s needs.

    17. bleu*

      Calls with coworkers is the main time it makes most sense to have cameras off. You know them and are speaking casually.

      1. bleu*

        (To expand, calls with coworkers or small within-team meetings are analogous to you being on the phone or popping by their desk. No reason to have to nod sagely with people you know well and are being informal with. And meetings with one presenter and 20+ people, cameras should be off so it’s not a minefield of screens freezing and other technical issues. But more formal meetings in the middle of that size, I think it’s fine to assume cameras should be on.)

      2. Red Canary*

        That really depends on the company! Calls with coworkers are the only time I have my camera on– I’m not in a role where I take meetings with people outside of the company, just phone calls, but since my company is really spread out and many people never meet in person, team/department meetings and even most 1 on 1 calls are on video. To me, it’s not replacing a phone call; it’s the equivalent of stepping into your coworker’s office for a second, except the coworker is 1000 miles away.

    18. Visually Impaired Guy*

      I have a visual impairment and can’t see a lot of faces during larger presentations so I turn my camera off as it’s easier for me to sit and listen to the conversation rather than watch tiny faces. Similarly, I don’t always watch TV shows and often only listen to them.

      If it’s a presentation then I always turn off my camera because I need to put my face closer to the screen and no one wants to see my forehead.

      In a conversation with a small group, and especially someone new, then I will turn the camera on because I understand how important it is to build connections.

    19. Three Cats in a Trenchcoat*

      I really struggle with 1 on 1 conversations with cameras off! I know it is technically “the same” as a phone call, but something about staring at a blank screen makes it so much harder for me to focus.

      I do a lot of telemedicine, and it is just so much easier to connect with someone when I have the visual feedback.

    20. Lisa*

      In meetings I’m in, 99% of the time something is being shared (slides, a document, code, whatever), so camera on or off makes no difference because the “people” boxes become tiny anyway.

  9. Despachito*

    LW1 – I think the idea of asking the hotel to give you a room far away and to have an explanation sleeping disorder without revealing the cause in your back pocket if some busybody asks (I think there are high chances no one will) is great.

    But as you describe your nightmares to be disruptive to the point your relatives don’t want you to sleep over and neighbors calling police on you it looks like they can be heard outside your room loud enough to be scary, I am wondering how you handle hotel situations in general as this may cause problems even if you are surrounded by strangers and not coworkers? Would it be perhaps worth some accommodation to exempt you from business trips?

    I am sorry you are dealing with this.

    1. Hotel traveler*

      Yeah this is what I was wondering too! If I was sleeping in a hotel and heard someone screaming in terror from the room next door, I’d be terrified and would certainly alert the front desk – and would have a hard time going back to sleep.

  10. Remotor*

    I work at a completely remote organization and almost all of our meetings are all camera-on. Occasionally we’ll have people from other time zones and if it’s very early or late where they are (we sometimes have meetings at 6 am for the Australians, 10 pm for the Germans) they’re sometimes camera off but even then not really.

    I hate having the camera on for myself personally, but it does sometimes help add some body language to what people are saying and if we had a camera off culture we’d never know what anyone looked like!

    2. PandemicPolicies*

      Were you remote pre-pandemic? I ask because I never encountered an org that was default cameras on before the pandemic, and most expressly forbid turning on cameras as a courtesy to remote employees (because video is a bandwidth hog). I and most of my friends have been working hybrid or remote for decades (and between us, we’ve worked at hundreds of companies in a variety of industries) and we all commented on the new video on culture that started developing during the pandemic.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Same. I worked for an international manufacturing company 2014-2019 and we conducted almost all of our meetings on Skype, cameras off. We had meeting agendas and powerpoints and product reviews and we all needed to be looking at the same materials, not at each other.

        It was very very weird to work remotely at a domestic company HQ in my city during the pandemic. It was all cameras, all the time, and people really didn’t seem to know how to have a meeting at all – no agendas, no powerpoints, no meeting notes, no action items. I wondered how they had gotten anything done when they were in person for everything.

      2. Waiting on the bus*

        We were camera on even pre-pandemic. It wasn’t enforced so people who really didn’t want to simply didn’t, but the culture was very much to have the camera on. And over various layoffs, only camera-on people have remained. I don’t think it was a conscious decision from leadership but I do think the (lack of) personal connection influenced decisions on who to lay off.

      3. LW#3*

        I’m LW #3, and I was remote pre-pandemic, and we were cameras on. I hated it because they would often comment on things like my husband walking by or where I was looking, as if I wasn’t paying attention (I take notes to retain information). The place I am at now, post-pandemic, is cameras off (but has been remote for 20+).

  11. Spicy Tuna*

    #4 seems like a giant hassle. is the new manager trying to subtly discouraged the OP from taking vacation? Because I would probably skip it instead of doing all that extra work ahead of time

    1. Nodramalama*

      It might be a bit of a hassle to LW, but in my experience its pretty important to ensure business continuity. It helps people go on leave because things can continue to move in someone’s absence rather than being held up

        1. ferrina*

          100%

          There’s an easy way to tell- if your manager wants documentation and light training, it’s for continuity reasons.
          If they are pushing you to give your favorite projects to other people and they are reluctant to assign you new work, they are more likely to be getting ready to push you out.

          The continuity reasons are best practices for businesses and individuals. For businesses, it ensures that they aren’t relying on a single person for a key function. If that person is sick or on vacation or wins the lottery and abruptly leaves to live on a tropical island, then the business can muddle through. The business would rather not have that happen- it’s a pain to have to hire and train and replace a good employee (and turnover costs money for the business). But at least they can make it through without reinventing wheels. And it’s good for the employee- the business now has no reason to call you when you are out (unless it’s a true, super weird scenario where they immediately need your expertise).

          I used to be at a company that had no coverage, and every time I took PTO, I would end up working half of that time on things that really, anyone could have done. It was really frustrating and meant that I was constantly working when I was sick or supposed to be on vacation or even days when I was supposed to be with my kids (my poor kids had a parent that was constantly working). When I finally got coverage, it was amazing. My coverage didn’t replace me- I was still the best at what I did- but they created enough space that I didn’t need to be on-call 24/7 (which I definitely wasn’t paid for).

          1. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

            That is contingent on coverage being effective. There’s nothing quite like coming back from a single day of PTO to find your flagship client dropped your company on a Brown M&Ms situation and your pull requests now return code with logic on the order of 3+3=7.

            Bad coverage < No coverage < Good coverage IMWO.

            LW4, your supervisor is basically asking you “which peers do you think are wise enough to follow your instructions in your absence and have the sense of danger to reach out/up for help if they’re going to end up over their head(s)?”

    2. Username required*

      I read it the opposite – her manager wants a backup so the LW can be left in peace on holiday. And from a simple operations point of view having one “indispensable” employee is a problem waiting to happen.

      1. Dust Bunny*

        This.

        I have a low-responsibility position but even at that if I’m going to be out I’ll make sure the suitable coworkers are updated on any irons I might have in the fire. They can contact me while I’m out, but so far they have never had to.

    3. AcademiaNut*

      I see it as the other way around. As it is, when the OP is on vacation, they have to monitor email in case there is something urgent, and they arrive back to a back-log of work that has to be caught up on. If they were abducted by aliens tomorrow, there would be no-one who could cover their critical duties.

      With a designated backup and some cross-training, the LW could go on vacation, not check email, and come back with anything urgent already taken care of. And in the case of alien abduction, the workplace would be able to cover urgent tasks until someone new was hired.

      Having a single point of contact for critical functions is a weakness in the system. It sounds like the manager is new, so the OP might well have a better idea about which employee could cover things more easily.

    4. I should really pick a name*

      The manager is trying to discourage vacation by making it easier for their work to be done while they’re on vacation? I don’t follow your logic.

      Making arrangements for who their backup is will be a one-time thing task.
      And it’s a goal for next year, it’s not like they need to sort it out in a really short time frame.

    5. Mad Scientist*

      How much of a hassle is it to shoot a message to a coworker asking “Hey Fergus, I’m going to be out for a couple weeks next month. Will you be around? Do you mind if I list you as a point of contact for requests about projects XYZ in my out of office message?”

    6. Kim*

      This seems like cutting off your nose to spite your face. You’d rather cancel a vacation than make a plan (that you will then be able to reuse in the future) to hand off your work ahead of time so you can be completely disconnected during the vacation?

      I don’t understand that at all.

      1. Antilles*

        Yeah, OP specifically says they want a vacation where they can leave their cell phone off and don’t feel the need to answer calls/emails. How do you get that ability? By arranging a backup who’s up to speed on things and can cover any urgent needs while you’re gone.

        Far from discouraging OP from taking vacation, the boss’ suggestion would actually make it significantly easier for the OP to take vacation and disconnect like OP wants to do!

      2. Spicy Tuna*

        I am such a control freak / responsibilitarian, I would never hand off anything that is my responsibility to anyone else. And I wouldn’t want to have to direct someone or train someone to handle something that’s my responsibility. IDK, maybe it’s just me. When I was working for companies in the past (I am self employed now), I would only take off one or at most two days at a time if I was in danger of losing PTO in order to avoid all of the hassle and stress associated with things like coverage, dropped balls, work backlogs, etc, etc. It just wasn’t worth it. Of course, I don’t like travel, so it’s not really an issue of missing out on a vacation or anything, it was more a matter of just trying to stay on top of stress. It’s far more satisfying to clear out a backlog of work than to either plan a trip somewhere or just sit around on your couch wondering how horrible it is going to be to dig out when you get back. JMO

        1. I'm not really here*

          I’m just a random internet stranger, but I don’t think this is a good or healthy mindset to have. Time off work is good for us, our jobs should be set up in a way that we can take time off (1 or 2 weeks for sure!) with appropriate planning. Part of that is handing things over to colleagues, and that’s a good thing to do, and it’s also generally fine if not everything is perfect! Based on your comment, I’d genuinely recommend looking into counselling, I think you might benefit from it!

        2. anonymous here*

          Maybe not an issue if you are self-employed and don’t have employees – but there are other reasons for “taking time off” besides vacation.

          Real life example: I was out two months because my son had a sudden medical emergency (hospital called me in the morning, I was on a plane that afternoon) and it took that long to get him to where he was able to be independent again. Someone had to take over a lot of my work, only so much could be postponed.

        3. hiraeth*

          This is not a good thing from the company’s perspective, though! If you suddenly have to be out – a severe illness/accident/family crisis – then no one will have a clue how to get those tasks done. You’re making yourself a single point of failure.

          I get it. My instinct is to do the same. I want control over my stuff. But I’m not some sort of hero for doing everything myself, I’m a liability. So I have to make myself relinquish control and cross-train other people.

      3. Spicy Tuna*

        I’m actually having work done at my house right now and the guys are doing it wrong. I’m letting it go, going to pay them and then will fix it myself later. Should have just done the work myself to begin with.

        1. Dust Bunny*

          . . . however, that is your choice and not one you get to make for anyone else. I would say something because I am not paying for stuff that I’ll have to pay for again to fix myself, and if they call themselves professionals they need to do it right.

    7. Sneaky Squirrel*

      I don’t perceive this to be the case at all and I’m not sure how you got there. New manager recognized a real problem – no backup – and she considered it so important to resolve that manager made it a goal. That she’s asked LW to take action on this makes sense; LW knows their work the best and likely is familiar with a few people who have similar skillsets.

  12. Anon for anon*

    LW#1, A lot of people have night terrors / wake with a screaming wail from nightmares / have loud sleep disturbances, without having a history of trauma. Disclosing loud sleep disturbances (therefore) doesn’t disclose trauma.

    But is it possible that you can set some sort of voice or light alarm that is sound or motion activated, that can reach you as things kick off?

    My partner is (weekly, and even nightly when stressed, chased and even has his feet eaten by animals. Often tunneling landsharks (thanks, classic SNL?) or small amphibians or sheep.

    There’s twitching, then a faint but horrible long wail that gains body, then rigidity, then shooting upright and screaming. Not surprisingly i’ve learned to wake and say, “it’s a dream, it’s a dream, it’s a dream!” during the twitching–because there’s no way that I am sleeping again for a couple of hours after hearing that wailing moan, and the screaming scares neighbours.

    Luckily, in this case, it seems to take 3 more than 3 hours to cycle back to that level of dream.

    I understand that sleep physiology is not always amenable to that sort of hack. And it may sound a little cold-blooded, as if I am saying that you have a duty to “hack your trauma.” But if you can do a clever hack to gain some level of control over your sleep pattern, that (again!) isn’t directly “about the trauma.”

    1. blah*

      No offense, but this advice does not seem proper for LW’s situation at all. He’s suffering from severe PTSD, your partner isn’t. His night terrors are bad enough for relatives have asked him to not sleep in their homes. And it seems strange to assume that the LW hasn’t already tried strategies like this.

      1. I went to school with only 1 Jennifer*

        No offense, but you don’t actually know this commentor or their partner. Maybe they do have ptsd but it hasn’t been diagnosed? And you don’t know what strategies the LW has or hasn’t tried. Please don’t just shut people down.

        1. Dahlia*

          It doesn’t matter what their partner is diagnosed with or not. LW1 did not ask for medical advice, and so we do not need to give them medical advice.

        2. Ellis Bell*

          Thank you, someone suggests strategies based on personal experience, with a caveat that their experience is not the same, and everyone goes all “sandwiches” on them.

  13. Decidedly Me*

    LW1 – in my experience, a block of rooms doesn’t mean they are all together. Rather, it means a certain number of rooms have been reserved for the group, but they can be all over the place. I’ve never found it odd that someone in my group is on a different floor, tower, etc. Asking the hotel to ensure you’re further away, though, shouldn’t be an issue.

    1. Harper the Other One*

      LW1: I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this impact of your past trauma. My partner does the same occasionally so I know it’s distressing when someone doesn’t know what’s going on.

      One option that has helped my partner is white noise, both because it seems to make him less likely to yell and because it helps cover the sound of he makes softer noises. So in addition to Alison’s advice to request a room separate from the others, maybe you can experiment with this at home to see if it helps you.

    2. Captain Swan*

      This. I have dealt with many room blocks over the years (hazard of helping your parent with event planning). Like Decidely Me says room block is a certain number of rooms. It doesn’t mean they will all be near each other. In fact for something like a conference it usually means alot won’t be near each other since usually the hotel is booking these in around the reservations with specific requests (handicapped, suite, king sized bed, etc).

  14. catcat*

    LW#1: being in a room far from your coworkers won’t be unusual. The hotel will likely have you all over the floors. The last time I went to a work conference, with about 12 people from my employer, 5 or 6 of us got bounced to a completely different hotel at the last minute. And by at the last minute, I mean, we had started on our drive to the city, and we found out at checkin at hotel#1. Only two of us were on the same floor, and I don’t think the rooms were contiguous.
    All that: it will likely happen that not everyone is in a contiguous block, and if you end up on a different floor, oh well that’s the hotel for you.

  15. Sled dog mama*

    LW #1- I type this from my hotel room at a work conference where I am on a different floor from all my coworkers.
    Hotel walls are thin, dependent on how loud you might be you should consider giving the hotel a heads up that you have a sleep disorder and that it might be disruptive. You don’t want a non-coworker neighbor hearing something and calling the front desk who then calls the police. If the hotel knows it’s a possibility you can avoid waking up to someone beating on your door at 3am.

    1. LW1*

      That’s a really good point, and it sounds from some of the other comments like hotel staff are used to being discreet about things like this? I’ll make sure to do it.

      1. Paint N Drip*

        I would say the top 3 skills for hotel staff across all levels is discretion. That being said, your request, although a very big deal to you, is not even going to raise a flag for the person you talk to. Honestly, it will be no big deal to ask if the room block is even physically together and if so, please move me

      2. Visually Impaired Guy*

        I’m not sure if the hotel has rooms that are in more ‘remote’ areas (next to the gym for example) but that might be ideal if you are near fewer guest rooms and your neighbors are guest areas that are closed overnight. It’s probably not possible, but worth asking! Or even being at one end of the hall on the lowest floor would have half the neighbors, and if they aren’t fully booked then they could try to keep the room next door and above empty (that seems very unlikely when there is a big conference, but if you mention it then they can decide what’s feasible).

        I’m not sure if leaving a note under the door of the rooms nearest you would be a good idea? If I were next door then I would prefer knowing it’s a possibility ahead of time so that if it woke me up then I’d register it and go back to sleep right away rather than waking up enough to call the front desk.

  16. Irish Teacher.*

    LW2, while there’s no way of saying for sure that this wasn’t a factor – as we were told during career advice in college, “interviewers are human and all have their particular – and sometimes peculiar – preferences and prejudices” – interviewing generally isn’t a pass or fail kind of thing. They are presumably interviewing a number of people and seeing who is the best fit and the most likely reason not to get a job is somebody else being chosen rather than your being rejected. Even if there were further interviews after this point, there are probably a certain number of people they are moving forward with, which is likely to be a small percentage. My first teaching interview was a first interview of two and they told me, “we are interviewing 30 people today and inviting 3-5 back for the final interview.” So no matter how well one did, all it takes is for there to be 5 people who did exceptionally well or who the interviewer really liked in order to be rejected.

    The interviewer’s behaviour did seem odd but it isn’t necessarily related to your not greeting her. Given that she arrived late and behaved somewhat strangely, I think it quite possible that her behaviour wasn’t related to you at all. It’s possible she was under pressure due to something completely unrelated to the interview and wasn’t

    even paying proper attention and ended the interview early because she wanted to get it over with. Don’t get me wrong, this would be very unprofessional and unfair to you, but that doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen. It’s also possible that the way she treated you is the way she treats all interviewees and that she is just a rude person or that it had nothing to do with your not greeting her and more related to her having some prejudice against you that she noticed once she saw you – say you had a tattoo or a piercing and you disapproves of those or she thought you were from an ethnicity she is prejudiced against or she thought you looked upper-middle class or working class or whatever she happens to have prejudices against.

    Or it could quite easily be that she had somebody else she had already decided she wanted in the job and was only interviewing you to give the impression of being fair. I once had an interview that lasted 3 minutes and where the interviewers clearly weren’t listening to me – like “tell us about your experiences so far,” “…and I have taught English to all years from 1st year to 6th years,” “And have you ever taught English to 6th years?” I’m pretty sure they had already chosen their teacher and were only interviewing to fill the requirements of the Department of Education. Teaching in Ireland has particular rules that require this but there are other situations in which it happens too, for various reasons.

    There’s just no way of telling. It could be the lack of a greeting but there are a whole load of other possibilities too.

    1. Nicosloanica*

      I agree with this. If it was literally a few *seconds* of wrap up and then you shifted gears, I can’t imagine that was a factor. Perhaps the reason she was late was that you weren’t on her shortlist of preferred candidates anyway.

    2. STLBlues*

      This could 100% NOT be the rationale… but my first thought was: were the candidate and Interviewer #1 both male? And then did the female Interviewer #2 interpret it as you ignoring a woman?

      To be clear, LW, I AM NOT SAYING YOU DID THAT OR INTENDED THAT. But, I can speak from experience, there are enough men who don’t feel the need to acknowledge women that (depending on where she was in her headspace that day), it might have provided the “why did this candidate just ignore me” answer. Could be completely unintended and unfair, but it could potentially be part of the explanation.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Ooh, interesting theory. Especially if, after having previously established more rapport with the first interviewer, OP tended to direct questions/answers to them afterwards.

      2. Letter Writer 2 Here - Interviewer Offender*

        STLBlues – I appreciate you bringing this up! I am a woman and present as such. My initial worry was just as you said – that she assumed I didn’t realize she is the boss and was thinking the man is the boss, and that is why I didn’t stop talking to him.

        During the interview, I thought about trying to work into the conversation something that would indicate I know who she is (for example, referencing a podcast episode I found during my research where she was a guest or something natural and non-creepy like that), but ran out of time.

        Also my brain was increasingly getting panicky on top of the nerves I already had so I wasn’t thinking my best.

        I appreciate your empathetic way of presenting this as a possibility and for mentioning it at all. Sadly, agree that this is all too common and if that was why I did what I did, then I wouldn’t hire me either.

    3. Letter Writer 2 Here - Interviewer Offender*

      Letter writer #2 here! Thanks to everyone for your comments, I appreciate folks taking the time to debate and offer perspective. This is one of the many reasons I visit this site regularly.

      Irish Teacher, very much agree with all your points. Ultimately there isn’t a way to know and I definitely am just basing the experience on my own baggage and viewpoints. The scenarios you offered are all very possible and thanks for sharing your experiences as well.

      In my letter, I was trying to keep it short, so I didn’t add all the possibilities that crossed my mind. One thing I want to clarify (not to you specifically but to anyone who might read this) that I too doubt this was the only reason I was rejected. For one, I don’t think I was a top candidate based on the job description. Another, they maybe already had someone in mind.

      However, if she was looking for reasons to slim down the candidate list, that interaction was the thing that did it. I have been through many interviews at this point in my life, both as a candidate and the hiring team, and I am confident I did not misread her reaction and subsequent behavior. She didn’t try to hide it. She was professional throughout, but the way our convo was going, I knew it was over.

  17. Hiring Mgr*

    I agree with the advice for #3. If the camera on/off is that important you should ask about it, but keep in mind it’s an unusual thing to be so concerned about.

    1. Drago Cucina*

      Camera culture can also change. At a previous job we all started with mandatory cameras on for meetings. But, it was sucking up a lot of VPN bandwidth. We could get pictures from Mars, but across the continental US was a challenge.

      So, it changed to everyone had their cameras off except when speaking. If you were speaking the expectation was to have your camera on. People were “reminded” to turn their cameras on. When the director of an agency says, “I can’t see you,” it’s not just a preference. Teams backgrounds were perfectly acceptable. So, messy rooms were not a problem.

  18. Missing Work Travel, Myself*

    LW1, just want to add to the great advice and suggest you be prepared for someone at the hotel thinking your room assignment was a mistake and “helpfully” moving your assignment back with the group, which happened to me once. Just in case you’re the type of person who (like me) prefers to have a response cued up just in case.

    1. BookingBlocks*

      Yes, this. I’ve worked for companies that would get upset at the hotel for “their mistake” and go make them fix it.

  19. Laura B*

    LW2 – I would find it strange if a candidate didn’t greet me and kept talking when I joined an interview. The interviewer most likely was not embarrassed about in joining late, and a three person virtual interview is not a scenario where the hiring manager needs to “slip in unnoticed”. In trying to manage a situation which didn’t need managing, the outcome was that you didn’t greet an interviewer and that likely did not make a good first impression. The other panel member would not have found it odd had you stopped your story to greet the manager, so I would default to greeting if a similar situation arises again.

    1. WellRed*

      Yes OP projected a lot into that person. I doubt though, that this lack of greeting killed their chances.

      2. Letter Writer 2 Here - Interviewer Offender*

        You weren’t the only one who doubted my perspective on what happened during the interview, so please note the following comment isn’t targeted at you specifically.

        It is not at all lost on me that this one moment during an interview would be unusual and kind of nuts. I thought so myself after I got off the call. But after much reflecting, I still think this is what happened. Unusual and crazy things happen during interviews, we have seen that many times on this site. I didn’t think I would need to defend myself on this per the rules of conduct on this site; however, I completely understand how outlandish the conclusion I came to seems and that an initial impulse upon reading my letter might be doubt.

    2. GythaOgden*

      Yeah. At a large meeting you wouldn’t stop a presentation when stragglers slipped into the venue and took a quick seat. But in a smaller situation and one with a lot at stake, it might be better to be more alert to this kind of thing than not.

    3. Nicosloanica*

      For just a few seconds though? If it was a wrap up sentence or two at the most, I think that interviewer was being awfully precious. If you join late and someone’s mid sentence it’s not weird to let them wrap that up IMO.

    4. Edwina*

      I wouldn’t appreciate a candidate ignoring me (if I were the hiring manager) to finish up small talk. If the OP was in the middle of answering an interview question, then they should go ahead and finish, but not small talk, even for a few seconds, IMO.

    5. ecnaseener*

      I agree, the whole purpose of a job interview is for you to meet each other and try to figure out whether you want to work together. Stopping to introduce yourself isn’t disrupting anything higher-priority like it would be in a normal meeting.

    6. Pastor Petty Labelle*

      See I take the opposite view – if someone is talking, I don’t expect them to stop in the middle just to acknowledge me. They can finish what they are saying, then acknowledge me.

      Here’s something that hasn’t been mentioned – how did the other interviewer react? Did they try to interrupt to acknowledge the person? Did they acknowledge the person while you were talking?

      OP, I know you have been trying to interview with this company for a bit, but how the hiring manager acted is a piece of information you can use going forward. IF you are correct that you were rejected over this, think about what that says over the work environment, harsh adherence to possible unknown culture.

        1. Ellis Bell*

          This! I kind of agree that you stop talking for a late interviewer, but if you’re the late person you acknowledge that people are nervous and wouldn’t have been expecting that, and so you are gracious and give some leeway instead of jumping to offended status. This person sounds like an absolute pull to work for.

      2. Letter Writer 2 Here - Interviewer Offender*

        Pastor Petty Labelle – Regarding how the other interviewer reacted – this is a great point because I am now remembering that he didn’t react at all to her coming in, and somewhere in the back of my mind, I did look to him for a cue to stop or keep going. Not that I blame him at all – I mention this merely to say that in that split second, I was also taking info from his behavior.

        They were both in the same physical room, and I was the video caller. I didn’t know she was there until she came into frame and sat down next to him. He didn’t look at her or say anything. I assume he was trying to be respectful to me talking. Once I finished, he said something in response to me to sort of wrap up the convo, and then he turned to her and said “hey, here’s Manager!” And that was when I turned to her too and enthusiastically said hello.

        You’re right, this could definitely be an indication of a harsh work environment or that the manager herself might be difficult. Helpful to keep in mind.

      3. I Have RBF*

        IMO, if the person was 20 minutes late they really didn’t have a leg to stand on to want the interviewee to interrupt that answer to a question. I would consider it a bullet dodged, personally.

    7. academic fashion*

      I take the opposite view. As the candidate, I’m the guest in the space, and it’s not my role to greet a newcomer. I don’t say this from a “not my responsibility, not my problem” view, rather, I would genuinely feel like I was overstepping or presumptuous if I jumped in with a greeting mid-response while I was the candidate.

      I would anticipate that perhaps when I finished my question, the other interviewers would make introductions, and then I would greet the newcomer.

      1. Letter Writer 2 Here - Interviewer Offender*

        academic fashion – yes!! This was one of my in-the-moment worries. I didn’t want to overstep or be presumptuous. I also didn’t want to risk offending the first interviewer by abandoning our conversation.

    8. Sneaky Squirrel*

      I take the opposite view. If I came in late to an interview, I would feel awfully guilty about a candidate having to disrupt their train of thought and risk feeling flustered on their response to an interview question to greet me. I would expect that the candidate finish their story and take the opportunity to greet them after they finished.

      But I doubt this lack of greeting was the make it or break it to their chances and OP dodged a bullet if that’s what it was.

      1. Letter Writer 2 Here - Interviewer Offender*

        Sneaky Squirrel, this is the way I thought of things too. I imagine the candidate is already nervous so wouldn’t want my lateness to be a cause to fluster them or perform worse during an interview.

        A couple of months ago, I myself was late to an interview as an interviewer. When I arrived to the video call, the other interviewer and the candidate finished their convo while I waited. Seemed totally natural to me and not rude. I imagine my co-worker wanted to respect the candidate and the conversation they were having, and the candidate was letting him lead the way. But I do see Alison and others’ point that it would be a sign of respect for me as the candidate to acknowledge the hiring panel and especially the hiring manager right away.

        And yes, I agree that my flub wasn’t the only reason – there were likely reasons that had nothing to do with me. But I do think this flub sealed the deal to strike my name.

    9. Letter Writer 2 Here - Interviewer Offender*

      Laura B – it does seem like the majority of folks think the same, so defaulting to a greeting seems to be the way to go, as you suggest. I honestly thought it is a gray area, but glad to correct myself and acknowledge incoming attendees immediately if that is the more accepted practice.

      It’s a bit frustrating in that I was trying my best NOT to make a bad first impression and yet did so anyway through a split-second interaction. But having this decision made and in my back pocket will hopefully make this a non-issue if it happens again (unless the tides change on accepted practice!).

    10. Letter Writer 2 Here - Interviewer Offender*

      Instead of “slip in unnoticed” I should have said “slip in to minimize further disruption” as a more accurate statement of what I mean.

  20. I should really pick a name*

    #2
    You really don’t have enough information to say if not greeting the manager is why you didn’t get further in the process.
    Maybe her face fell because of something in your story.
    Maybe it was because she realized that she didn’t factor the interview into her schedule and she was thinking about all the work she was going to have to catch up on.

    If a single action is going to tank an interview, it’s most likely going to be something way more significant than failing to greet someone immediately.

    1. Letter Writer 2 Here - Interviewer Offender*

      You’re absolutely right, there are a million factors that were at play. Some that I had control over and many that I didn’t. I don’t think I was a top candidate so it was easy to dismiss me over a failed greeting. The hiring manager didn’t really try to hide her reaction, so I am pretty confident that this is what happened, but I will never really know.

  21. Mad Scientist*

    Similar to LW#3, but for in-person jobs, what’s a good way to ask about the office layout without coming across as a prima donna? Specifically, I hate open plan offices, and if I’m expected to work in person, that would actually be a deal breaker for me. Realistically, I don’t expect to get my own office, but a proper cubicle would be an acceptable compromise (my current office has “modern” cubicles with short walls and tiny desks, so it’s basically open plan, and I find it really difficult to focus, and I don’t have any storage space for reference materials). But I’m worried that asking about that sort of thing will come across as me focusing on the wrong aspects of the job, or being anti-collaboration, or whatever. I’d just really hate to accept a great opportunity only to arrive on my first day and find out it’s an open plan office!

    1. Nicosloanica*

      Ugh I feel you on this, and in my area, almost all in-office spaces are going to be open. You can’t ask about it too early, but I’ve seen answers on this site about asking to see the space at least before you accept the role. If it’s truly your dealbreaker I think you could ask about the office set-up earlier. Unfortunately, I’ve also had two jobs shift from a real space to an open office space during my tenure, so there’s no real way to be safe.

      1. I Have RBF*

        Yeah, being demoted from a shared office, with a door, to an open plan hell pit has factored in to my departure from a couple jobs. I despise open plan offices, I consider them the equivalent of digital sweatshops, with computers on the desks/benches instead of sewing machines or other manufacturing gear.

        I do not work to perform “working” for an audience, and people noise and visual distractions crush my productivity. If they really want to save money on real estate spending, just hire people to work remotely, and have quarterly “in-person” meetings.

      1. Mad Scientist*

        The opportunity I’m currently considering is halfway across the country, so that’s not an option in this case unfortunately, but I’ll certainly ask that if any local opportunities come up in the future.

        1. Anonymous Educator*

          I did this before (interviewed for an in-person role remotely from across the country). This was way pre-pandemic, but we did it on a video call, and the person interviewing me literally took a computer and webcam around the office and showed me the office. It’s not unreasonable to ask for.

    3. Hlao-roo*

      I think you can ask something along the lines of “What’s the office space like? Does the team all sit together? Are you in cubicles or is it open plan?”

      I don’t think that’ll come off as too “focused on the wrong thing,” especially if you ask other questions that are focused on the technical aspects of the job.

    4. bamcheeks*

      If you can’t ask to be actually physically shown the space and introduced to the rest of the team (which is pretty normal!), ask as a general-interest question, as if you’re trying to visualise yourself in the role.

      Hopefully there will be an opportunity for you to ask what feel like “low value” familiarisation questions, rather than the five minutes at the end of THE interview, where it feels like you should be focussing on impressing them and asking the make-or-break stuff. If you get a chance to talk to the team, or any session which is framed as “getting to know you / you getting to know us”, then it can just be something you’re asking as part of getting your head around the practicalities, or even just polite small talk and networking: “What’s the office space like? How you find parking / public transport links? Oh, you’re using the most recent implementation of LLAMAWORX? How do you find it? Yeah, I know our IT team are looking at it but we’ve not taken the leap yet…”

      1. Mad Scientist*

        I really like the idea of rolling this into questions about things like public transportation. Sure, those aren’t major questions about the technical aspects of the role, but they impact your day to day life, and I think reasonable people would understand that you want to know what you’re signing up for. Thanks for the suggestion!

        1. PublicTransit*

          Asking about public transit is fraught and often not helpful. Folks who drive ding you for having unreliable transportation or possibly too long of a commute to be happy. Plus they likely won’t have a useful answer and may give you the wrong answer. Folks who are more knowledgeable can only answer in terms of getting there from specific places which may or may not be viable options. There’s a bus stop across the street isn’t very helpful if the bus only runs twice a day in the opposite direction from what you’d need to get there. Ask me how I know.

          1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

            If you’re interviewing remotely from another part of the country, you could ask a more general question like “What’s the commute like and how do most people get to the office? Is it common for people to drive, or do most people take public transit?” and then follow up with a question about parking/bus routes/skateboard storage depending on whatever your interviewer said was the typical commuting method. This is particularly reasonable in this case where it’s not the “real” office setup dealbreaker for you, so you don’t need to ask follow-up questions about bus frequency/parking garages/if your long skateboard will fit in the rack and can just learn about whatever the interviewer thinks is typical.

            (Which might in turn impact your decision! If the interviewer immediately sighs, gets a thousand-yard stare, and tells you that parking is an issue and newer employees have to park in the shuttle lot, and yes they will tow you from the lot next to the building and that the business across the street will also tow you from their lot, and that the library down the block also won’t let you park there, that may be information that makes you suddenly care about the parking situation!)

          2. bamcheeks*

            This really depends on where you are. In every job I’ve had in the UK, people would immediately tell you how close the nearest station is, whether it’s a walk or a bus ride away, and how many bus lines there are within walking distance. If it’s rural / edge of city, they’d just apologise and say the links aren’t great but it wouldn’t be assumed that was going to mean you couldn’t work there.

            1. Office Plant Queen*

              In most of the US and Canada, public transport is seen as being for poor people who can’t afford a car. Transit is almost always significantly slower than driving, and a trip taking twice as long or longer by bus/train is typical. There are exceptions for certain large cities like New York and Boston, where traffic is so bad that taking public transit is considered a saner choice. So yes, it definitely depends on where you are in the world!

          3. Mad Scientist*

            I get that. When I’m interviewing people or sending folks info about how to get to my current office, I always include info about public transit just in case, even though most of my coworkers do drive. I also used to work in an office where it was very common for people to walk or bike to work, and if that were an easily accessible option, I’d want to know. If they interpreted that to mean that I wouldn’t be able to reliably get to work, well, that’s on them. I really enjoy working in places where things like biking to work are encouraged, even if most people drive anyway.

    5. Nancy*

      Asking that in the ‘do you have any questions’ portion is fine. Our job postings list what the office space set up is for the position because we know people want that info.

    6. OfficeTour*

      I ask for a tour of the office when I interview. You can see how workspace is oriented, what the kitchen situation is, where bathrooms are located, wgat amenities are available, etc.

  22. Crystal*

    LW1 has gotten a bunch of great comments and advice already, but I want to add a funny story on this topic.

    I worked in the oil and gas industry and traveled with salesmen from time to time. I found that I didn’t really want to be in a nearby hotel room because (1) they pressured me to come out to the bar after work or (2) if I escaped going to the bar I heard the rowdiness when they came back from the bar. Hey, it was the ’90s.

    I changed industries and was going to a conference with a co-worker in Miami. From years of habit I offered to make all the travel arrangements, and asked the hotel to put us “as far away from one another as physically possible at the property.” It was the hotel where they filmed the card scene from the James Bond movie Goldfinger, and I ended up on the concierge floor in a premium room much like the gold-painted card spotter. It was fabulous and luxe. My innocent male colleague ended up in a crappy ’70s annex building.

    I waited over a decade to confess that to him, but at that point he did think it was funny as hell.

    1. bamcheeks*

      When I was barely 19, and not even a student yet never mind a graduate, I was part of a work experience programme and got sent to a musical festival in another country to work as a volunteer translator/interpreter for one of the judges, a very senior and fancy academic and musician. The festival was Wed-Sun, with a huge event on the final Sunday evening, and every hotel in town straining at the seams for those five nights. However, as I was relatively unimportant, I was leaving on the Sunday and missing the big final event. Buuuuut– that meant that the hotel put me in the quite a fancy double room with a sitting room area and so on, so that it would be free for a totally different non-festival guest from Sunday night onwards. Meanwhile, the “real” delegates were getting every box room and nook that the hotel could possibly justify calling a “room”. At some point the fancy judge and his protege were talking about how tiny their rooms were and asked me what mine was like, and they were quite put out when I was like, “errr…”

    2. Sparkles McFadden*

      A colleague and I had been invited to give a presentation at a particular industry conference. My boss told the organizers that she should be the only person in the hotel where the event was being held, and that my coworker and I could be put up “in a motel or something somewhere down the road.” She made a point of telling us this repeatedly, saying in was important that we “know our place.” The organizers granted her request. My colleague and I were each given a cottage overlooking a lake at a luxury golf resort five miles away. Each cottage had a fully stocked kitchen and bar, and a hot tub. We were also given a rental car to use since we had to drive to the conference site. Our boss was given a tiny room next to the vending machine nook in the main hotel.

  23. Jane Bingley*

    As an EA, I always include a request in a block of hotel rooms that our team not be given rooms close to each other. People deserve privacy when traveling for work! For family conversations, for work calls they need to take when on the road, because they don’t want people to know they’re an early or late sleeper, to avoid overhearing bathroom noises, etc. Hotel room walls are often paper-thin and it’s a very intimate place. I’d encourage others who book group travel to do the same.

    1. Strive to Excel*

      I worked for a company that had an airline policy. It said “do not deliberately choose your seating arrangement so that you are next to your coworkers unless you’ve cleared it with said coworker”. They felt people shouldn’t be pressured to be cheek to jowl with each other.

    2. Not Your Sweetheart*

      As a front desk agent, my favorite sales/group managers always asked about room proximity: “do you want the rooms close together or separated?” and then would note that on the group info sheet and/or the reservations. It took all the guess work out of assigning rooms.

  24. WorkInnit*

    Letter #2 I’ve also had this situation many times… just yesterday as a matter of fact with 2 interviewers and one showing up a bit later.

    My reasoning was exactly the same as yours: finish up whatever story/interaction there was with the first interviewer and then enthusiastically greet the new arrival to the meeting.
    I did that in all previous situations and everyone’s responded graciously so far, so I find the response that you described of being stiff and standoffish very odd indeed.

    In all honesty: Interviewers should not make their lateness your problem. If they can’t avoid being late, they can also take initiative to introduce themselves during a pause in the conversation and apologise for being late. Blaming the interviewee is definitely not a constructive thing to do.

    1. STLBlues*

      I agree that interviewers being late should not make it the candidate’s problem…. but I think it’s just not realistic to pretend there’s an even balance of power. An interviewer does not need to wait until a natural pause as if it were a social conversation.

      An interviewer interrupting a candidate when they walked in is just different than the other way round.

      I also doubt the interviewer was “blaming the candidate for their lateness.” The interviewer may have completely overreacted to the lack of greeting, but that’s different than reacting to her own lateness.

      1. WorkInnit*

        I’m leaning in another direction on this one…
        Yes, there is a power difference, but you’re interviewing the company as much as they are interviewing you. If the interviewer is late they are still interrupting an ongoing conversation. They should be able to have some empathy and flexibility around that. Otherwise it could be a red flag that the company culture is top-down and unyielding.

      2. Czhorat*

        It’s also a VERY different dynamic with two or three people than it would be in, say, a project meeting with a dozen different stakeholders.

        You’re there to learn about the position and let the hiring team learn enough about you to decide whether or not they should hire you; all of your interactions should keep that in mind.

        You also want to appear flexible and easy to work with; pausing for the latecomer is an example of that. In your real job you might not pause midstream for another random team member, but you probably would for, say, the CEO or a major client. Not breaking your flow for someone who is objectively very important to the discussion says something about how you’d be to work with.

        1. Letter Writer 2 Here - Interviewer Offender*

          I definitely agree that a large group meeting is different from a 3-person interview. At the time, the decision on what to do felt gray to me, for many of the reasons mentioned in the comments, including yours. You make valid points for sure.

          A general comment not specifically to you, but from a combo of what you and others have said. The thing that is heartbreaking to me is that I was trying very hard to make a good impression and show them them who they would work with: a thoughtful and considerate person. I didn’t stop talking not because what I had to say was so important or that I don’t respect the hierarchy or am clueless to the power dynamics of an interview, but just that I wanted to do what seemed right. I had a second to decide. Another commenter mentioned I managed a moment that didn’t need to be managed – I’d argue I was forced to manage a moment simply because I happened to be the person talking when the manager came into frame. If I knew that the right thing to do (with her) was to stop and acknowledge her, I would have done it.

          I was really curious to see all sides of thoughts when I wrote my letter, and I’m so glad to see them so far!

    2. Letter Writer 2 Here - Interviewer Offender*

      Glad to hear you have had this kind of interaction go smoothly, gives me hope!

      I was actually late myself (I typed this story in another comment but not sure it went through as I don’t see it posted – apologies if I’m repeating) to an interview a few months ago and I was one of the hiring committee members. When I arrived, the other interviewer and the candidate finished chatting and I waited. Then my co=worker greeted me, I apologized and we went on with it. I imagine my co-worker was showing respect to the candidate by finishing up their small talk, and the candidate was taking his lead. Just my guess though. In any case, it all seemed normal to me. I had already put them out by being late, so I expected nothing more. But if they had stopped talking to acknowledge me, I would have been equally fine with it. Although the difference here is that neither of us were the hiring manager, so perhaps it would have been (should have been?) different if I were the manager.

  25. ecnaseener*

    LW1 — calling the hotel should work, but worst case scenario, it doesn’t work and someone hears you screaming and asks about it:

    Your script is “Oh, yeah, that happens to me sometimes. I’m sorry if it woke you up.” Practice saying that so you don’t blurt out more details. If anyone asks “is it nightmares/night terrors?” you can say “yeah, I’ve had them for a while,” but that’s it.

    You absolutely don’t need to tell anyone that you have them because of trauma, let alone what the underlying trauma is. If someone actually asks, you give them a weirded-out look and say “uh, it’s personal,” because it is in fact very weird of them to ask such a personal question, and all but the worst busybodies will back off immediately.

  26. Czhorat*

    LW 3 – cameras culture – is an example of a great question to ask at an interview, and a reminder that interviewing is a two-way street. Some interviewers will be put off by the idea you want cameras off. Those are from companies you’d rather not work for.

    To me, this is a mindset thing; it’s easy to go into an interview trying to please the interviewer and give them what they want to hear. Ideally, one should be trying to *mutually* decide if you and the role are a good fit.

  27. Bookworm*

    LW1: No advice, just that I’m sorry that you’re dealing with that and hope the booking, stay, etc. all go without fuss or issues. Good luck!

  28. Michelle Smith*

    LW4: Are you relatively senior? I’ve had multiple senior level roles where the expectation was very much that I would ask someone on my team at a comparable level to cover for me while I was out and I never once had anyone say no to the request. I certainly didn’t have the authority to assign them to do that for me, but I was expected to ask and it was always well received.

  29. Czhorat*

    LW4 – coverage for vacations – feels like just part of the job to me. I do project work in, broadly speaking, the A&E industry. If I’m going to be out for more than a day or so I’ll brief at least one peer on the current status of my open projects, arrange coverage for any recurring meetings that need it, and put their information in my OOO message. That’s just part of the job; it shouldn’t become the client’s problem that I’m on vacation, and I don’t believe in upward-delegating to my boss if I can handle it on my own.

    And yes, in my industry “I’ll deal with it when I get back” isn’t a viable solution; if you’re on vacation you could be at the beach. You could be napping. Attending a show. Whatever. There needs to be some way for people who need answers to get them without waiting for you to have a free moment and you deserve your down-time.

    The more you tell your boss “isn’t that your job?” the less they’ll see you as an independent and responsible team member. YMMV and different industries may be different, but this feels like a very reasonable ask.

  30. Baela Targaryen*

    OP1 — I am sending you a metaphorical hug and all my best wishes.

    Alison’s advice is perfect, the only thing I’d change is recommending you call to hotel 10-14 days before your stay. I organize these kinds of bookings/meetings all the time, and a request like yours wouldn’t flag as even slightly odd. Good luck, and congrats on your career!

  31. AXG*

    OP1: My brother has night terrors as well, that don’t seem to be triggered by anything other than being overtired or drinking alcohol. If anyone were to even notice, you could offer the explanation that it’s a simple quirk. A fair amount of people sleepwalk / sleeptalk / sleep-scream for non-trauma related reasons, so that should suffice. But I agree with Allison and the other commentors: Call the hotel and arrange for a separate room :)

    I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with all of this and applaud your bravery for attending this conference even with your fears.

  32. el l*

    OP1:
    Honest question for the group. Is “You must have hotel rooms right by colleagues” a thing in some industry/culture?

    In my industry (energy) across many conferences and work trips I’ve never once seen anyone care where in the hotel you stay, as long as you’re not getting the penthouse suite. Asking for a room change offline is no big deal.

    I’d even say that in most circumstances, especially if you do your own booking, you could get away with staying in a completely different hotel. And the explanation is usually just, “I’m a Hilton/whatever loyalist.”

    1. Sneaky Squirrel*

      In the work trips that I’ve taken, we are permitted to choose our own hotels as long as the fees and commute from hotel to the work event are reasonable.

      In this situation, we don’t know that LW’s employer is actually requiring everyone to room near each other in the same hotel, only that they blocked rooms together. It’s possible to me they did that more to take advantage of a potentially discounted fee rather than as some weird team-building activity requiring everyone to sleep near each other.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      I’m with you here. I used to work a job in which almost the entire company would travel to a new city together every weekend, and we’d stay in the same hotel every weekend… but I had no idea which rooms my co-workers stayed in, and I don’t believe we were all right next to each other.

    3. PickingHotels*

      Yes, booking rooms in proximity is a thing for some companies. And I’ve never worked somewhere you could pick your own hotel across multiple different industries.

    4. fhqwhgads*

      I think there’s some misunderstanding about what it means to reserve a “block of rooms” in a hotel. In my experience it just means the agreed upon number of rooms held aside, not a block like a city block, where all those rooms are together. It could have been requested to be together, and I’ve seen it happen where an org basically booked a whole floor, intentionally. But usually, that’s not the default. It’s just X rooms of Y type.

  33. Rachel*

    Hotel room LW, I hope you’re able to discreetly ask for a separately located room like Alison suggests. It’s not weird, and not annoying. I’m thinking of you and hope that you have a smooth experience at your new job, and are able to heal as much as you can in the ways that work for you.

  34. Sneaky Squirrel*

    #3 – While I feel your question is extremely valid, I’m going to suggest that you be careful about how you convey your needs for a camera-off environment. If I were looking to hire a new employee, I would not be thrilled to hear that they didn’t have a designated office area in their home. I realize it comes from a place of privilege to have something like that; but some companies would also argue that remote work is a benefit and not a promise or guarantee.

    #4 – It’s very reasonable to ask an employee to come up with their own backup. You know your work the best! For me, my backup is a few people who each take a few tasks that I’ve determined they would be better for. I keep my manager in the loop of who those people are. Every time I go on vacation, I ask those people that I’ve identified as my backups if they will be able to back me up this time around and then when I’m ready to go I furnish them a list of what I’m working on, anticipated next steps, how urgent the task is, and highlight what needs to be done.

  35. Generic Name*

    #3 I think it’s fine to ask using Alison’s scripts about video culture, but I caution you to not volunteer that you do not have a private workspace when interviewing for a remote job. I think most employers would not consider this a plus, at best, and it might be a disqualifying factor for others.

  36. New Novelist*

    LW 4 – Where I work, this usually looks like approaching a coworker and saying, “Hey, I’m going to be on vacation on these days. Would you be able to handle XYZ for me while I’m gone? I can show you how to do it.” In my experience, it helps to pick someone you’re friendly with. Also make sure that if they ask you to return the favor, you’re happy to do it. Or if there’s a peer who you already do work favors for sometimes, that might be a good person to ask.

  37. spcepickle*

    #4 – My office has a policy that if you are going to be gone for more than a week (40 hours). You and your supervisor write up a plan for what happens to your work. Some times it is complicated with many people all covering small pieces. Sometimes it is as simple as – it is the low season, if anything pressing comes in person y will deal with. It is not “finding coverage” but more a hey important things pop up who can make sure they are not raging fires once you come back.
    This plan is then approved by several levels above you. They seemed silly at first but once our whole team got use to them it really helped to think about how we can help people go on real vacations without worrying about the workload they are coming back to.
    It also helped identify some cross training we needed to do and made our office stronger in the long run.

  38. Czech Mate*

    LW 1 – if your coworkers ask about this, you can also just tell a white lie, a la “Oh, I actually sleepwalk sometimes…don’t want you all to see me walking around in my pajamas!” or “I actually get really bad insomnia when I travel to a new city, so my doctor said I should just ask for a sound-proof room with blackout curtains” or “Yeah, I don’t know, they just reassigned me to a new room last minute–weird, right?”. You definitely don’t owe anyone an explanation (including the hotel staff), but you also don’t have to feel bad about whipping out some offhand excuse like that if you feel pressed to give an answer and think “it’s private” won’t do.

    Sorry you’re dealing with this, but I hope you otherwise enjoy the conference!

    1. Dust Bunny*

      Yeah, I can think of several innocuous white-lie “reasons” the LW might be in a different wing. There was a room mix-up and this was the last available comparable room. Sensitive to noise/light. Etc.

      1. JustEm*

        I’d be careful with that first one. I can definitely imagine someone helpfully solving the “problem”

  39. spcepickle*

    #1 – I sleep walk and scream profanities in my sleep. It is not a result of trauma just a fun brain quirk. I 100% understand that it can be embarrassing and disturbing to those around you (a cousin still tells a horror story of me rattling her door knob in the middle of the night and a partner tells a story of me trying to convince them aliens were abducing our backyard chickens).

    I have no useful advice other then to tell you it is not alone and if it comes up you can disclosing night terrors (I like to call them sleep walking it is softer somehow) without disclosing trauma. I tell people that I forgot to develop the part of the brain that makes me hold still at night.

    Good luck with the conference!

  40. Josephine Beth*

    LW #1 – I recently went to a conference with my supervisor. When we arrived at the hotel, the desk let us know they had booked us side-by-side rooms. My supervisor immediately said, “Oh, please change that if possible so we are further away from each other.” She then turned to me and said, “Please don’t take offense, I just prefer that we each have some privacy.”
    It was a relief for me, the hotel was easily able to accommodate even at a very busy, significant event, and it was essentially a non-issue. I have no ideas if she needed that privacy for any other reasons, but she handled it very matter-of-factly in the moment. We were able to connect easily for meals, meetings, etc. and retire to opposite ends of the floor when the days ended.
    I can’t imagine anyone other than a busy-body getting nosy about reasons, and you could easily shut that kind of conversation down with some of the other responses in this thread.

  41. North American Couch Wizard Society*

    #3–The camera culture thing is really interesting. I work with a group of people who are various percentages of onsite versus telework and we just had a meeting yesterday to discuss what our “official” video expectations should be in advance of hiring 4 new people. It was really interesting to see the range of preferences WRT cameras. The consensus seemed to be that if you were presenting or very active in a meeting, everyone would prefer to see you as sometimes it’s hard to “know” people (this is a group of 20+ people).

    That said, almost everyone who is teleworking is using a virtual background–either one of the “canned” ones offered by the software or a photo they took themselves. I expect some of them are working from their kitchens or bedrooms but I can’t see it. Part of the telework agreement for our employer states that there is an expectation that people will have a private area since protected health information is part of our work, but I presume LW#3 would be aware if that’s an issue for their field.

    1. toolegittoresign*

      I was coming to say the same thing — most of my coworkers blur their backgrounds and it’s common for people to pass by in the background or for another person to be working nearby. It’s not at all distracting and none of us would judge someone for that. IMO, if the company expects you to have a dedicated work space, they need to give you a stipend for that. I, personally, don’t have a desk even though I WFH. I work from my couch. If I didn’t let people know that, they wouldn’t be able to tell and it’s not like I’m on camera laying down or lounging.

  42. WillowSunstar*

    LW3 – there might be a clue about cameras if you can read reviews about the company. If they are into Six Sigma, especially Lean, the beginning-level trainings for it highly encourages camera on in meetings.

  43. Office Plant Queen*

    LW1, definitely talk to the hotel! You don’t have to get into specifics about why you have this disorder or even what the disorder is, but you should probably tell them why you are requesting more privacy. All you’d have to say is “I have a sleep disorder that causes me to scream in my sleep. Can you assign me a room separate from anyone else at Company X, and ideally also as far away from other guests as possible?”

    This would make sure that 1) they give you as few neighbors as possible, 2) they may be able to preemptively offer ear plugs to anyone in rooms near yours, and 3) if someone does hear you and tries to call for help because they think you’re in distress, the front desk won’t send security/police/paramedics barging in at 2am

  44. Forrest Rhodes*

    #1-related: I just want to express my thanks and admiration to all the commenters here. Your responses are thoughtful, collaborative, supportive, and completely non-snarky—and also include practical information about what “a block of hotel rooms” generally means. You-all remind me again how lucky I feel that I wandered into AAM some years ago.
    Thanks, folks. You rock. And LW#1, I hope what you’re reading here will ease your mind about this conference!

  45. Sunflower*

    #1 Sounds like it should be easy to ask the hotel for a separate floor but maybe also ask about an area with as few guests as possible? What if a guest call the front desk or the cops in fear something is wrong? I’m not sure if the front desk should be warned in case another guest calls them?
    You sound like you don’t like attention so the above are just something to think about.

    If your coworkers notice you’re not on the same floor, you can say that’s where they put you and you’re fine with it.

    1. What_the_What*

      If this is, as the OP indicates, a major conference/event, the likelihood of a sparsely populated floor is low, particularly if they’re staying at the hotel the conference is at and not just one nearby. I think the OP has to very blandly just say, “So I have this thing. Hopefully won’t happen, but just a heads up if it does that I’m fine.” In that regard he’s better off being near people who if it happens will be like “oh that’s what OP was talking about,” and go back to sleep versus some unsuspecting stranger thinking the guy in the room next door is being visited by ghosts or something and calling either the desk or worse, 9-1-1.

  46. Hillary*

    OP1, I agree with calling the hotel the week before to be sure, but also it isn’t a big deal. I just booked a block of rooms for an upcoming celebration – I didn’t realize until I talked to the sales guy that there are multiple kinds of blocks. I’d just never thought about it. My guess is your employer will do #3.

    1) They will hold up to x rooms at the agreed rate until the agreed date. If they aren’t reserved by that date they’re released back to open reservations. There’s no financial commitment and the rooms aren’t together, it’s just a convenience factor for weddings etc (what we’re doing). Only good for relatively small number of rooms.

    2) Y rooms are allocated at the agreed rate. If they don’t fill the party that made the booking is responsible financially (conventions). The booking party pays a financial penalty if the rooms don’t fill. See why Romance Writers of America filed bankruptcy among many other reasons. Rooms within the block aren’t automatically together although that’s going to happen naturally if it’s a large % of the hotel.

    3) Directly booking a number of rooms, usually at a lower rate or discount. This is a company/person saying I need z rooms on this date, here’s my credit card. They may or may not be together depending on how it’s booked (like professional sports teams may be on one floor to make it easier for security). My assumption is not together is the less expensive default because there’s a lot of planning to get many rooms next to each other vacant at the same time.

  47. Fig Season*

    LW#1, for the sake of the other human beings in that hotel, please disclose to the hotel staff that you are very loud when you sleep and need to be placed somewhere where you’ll disturb as few people as possible. The other people in that hotel deserve to be able to sleep. I attended a work conference where something in the AirBnB gave me horrible headaches so I couldn’t get a full night’s sleep, and after two nights without sleep my brain could no longer process what the presenters were saying.

    1. ReachForTheStars*

      While I agree that letting the hotel know just in case for everyone involved is a good idea, taking such a high-handed tone with someone suffering PTSD for a truly horrible reason really isn’t necessary, and focussing only on how how someone’s PTSD affects other people around him seems pretty unhelpful (a disturbed night’s sleep can be annoying, but it ain’t the end of the world). Maybe try a little more compassion in your future responses.

  48. What_the_What*

    For LW1: Something to think about though, is that if your night terrors are bad enough that neighbors have called the police and family find it disruptive, you may find a hotel employee or police officer opening your door for a welfare check if a concerned person near you calls that someone is screaming. So a couple of thoughts: 1) Is the proximity close enough that you could simply ask to drive in each morning rather than stay at the hotel? 2) Are there triggers: say drinking etc… that you could refrain from to maybe stop them from happening? 3) is there maybe 1 trusted coworker you could share (not the reason) but the fact that you sometimes have nightmares/terrors that make you scream out and perhaps see if you could bunk next to or adjoining that person *just in case*? My son used to have night terrors as a child, and they can be horrifying to hear because it really does sound like … terror. I’d hate to think of your big even being overshadowed by gossip that “did you hear the police were called to OP’s room because of screaming?” etc… I’m not sure simply being moved away from them will be enough if one occurs and other guests hear it. Good Luck and I hope by next year perhaps you’ll have found a solution that helps you sleep peacefully.

  49. KT*

    #2. You give someone the absolute smallest but of power and they almost always turn in to self-important a-holes. Like, you are a middle manager who was LATE chill tf out. Anyway…be glad you don’t work for them, they have to be exhausting.

  50. What_the_What*

    LW4: Your boss is being completely reasonable. Your statement that you don’t want to figure out a back up, but you also don’t want to have to have your phone with you at all, are at odds. It’s not unreasonable to have a “if Joe gets hit by a bus” plan for where things are documented, what the status of projects is, critical passwords and contacts, etc… so that *knock wood* if something happens, work can be pretty seamlessly continued. I think having a goal for next YEAR to have a person who can backfill you if you have emergency surgery or something and are out for weeks is good management, and it’s kinda weird that you’d rather play catch up for X days after vacation than just ….do a little training to let someone pinch hit for you while you’re out.

  51. Michelle*

    #4

    As a manager I’ve often put in someone’s goals to “build redundancy”. I walk them through what that means but the short version is:

    – Identify, potentially with my help, folks in our broader team who have interest and/or skills necessary to help them during busy times or cover for vacations.
    – Meet with those folks and train them as necessary to ensure they know enough of the plan and any special tooling/meetings to adequately cover or assist.
    – Adjust the plan if needed as assignments change and people leave and join the team.

    I often phrase it as “I need you to be able to take vacation.” But it is also about cross-training so that if we get a surge of a particular type of work we can flex to cover it. And I also use it as a way to ensure my employees get the expected mentorship/leadership components of their jobs.

  52. Not Your Sweetheart*

    OP 1, please contact the hotel about your request. Hotels that host groups are used to those kinds of requests. I would also urge you to inform the overnight front desk clerk and/or hotel security that you sometime get night terrors (they don’t need to know why), and to not be alarmed if they hear you yelling. Having been a hotel night auditor for many years, I would have appreciated a heads up about this rather than security having to break the lock on the door when the screaming guest didn’t respond to knocks or questions through the door. What ever you decide, I hope the convention goes well, and that your PTSD doesn’t flare up.

  53. Jack Straw from Wichita*

    Absolutely can confirm that asking for room specifics when booking a block for work is a MILLION percent normal.

    HOWEVER, I would be mindful about what information you give the hotel/not give the hotel too many details though. Here’s why–when employees call to give the hotel info (room requests, asking for more pillows/towels, etc.) after I’ve booked a block, the notes the hotel puts on their reservation do come through to me sometimes.

  54. Just me*

    LW #4 since I’ve mostly worked in small companies, my work has mostly been left for me to catch up on when I return. In one instance when I was gone a bit longer than usual (more than a week) I halfway expected the checks to have been copied and deposited while I was gone, but still needing to post everything. However the mail had not even been opened. Granted the only other person who might have done it was my boss. Everyone else had unrelated mostly customer facing duties.

  55. fpg*

    Us people who live alone want to be on camera just as little as people who don’t live alone, for many reasons! If you live with other people maybe it’s a team that helps keep your house presentable, or people you wear clothes around. We have no such team!

  56. Sara A*

    I wish people viewed cameras-on as an equity issue, because it absolutely is. I am not a super hard-of-hearing person, but even I find it a million times easier to understand someone when I can see their lips moving. Like someone else mentioned above, it’s also easier to follow conversational norms about flow and interrupting when you can see people’s faces. For those who say they shouldn’t have to explain medical reasons they want to be off camera, that also goes for people who need people to be on camera in order to understand them. I have no problem with it when someone has to be off-camera occasionally for any reason, but just wish it was more culturally the default to be on-camera instead of off. You can hide the self view if you find it distracting to see yourself (most people should do this anyway).

    This rule for me is much more important for larger meetings with 4+ people than 1:1s. Other commenters here mention how this has been done via the phone for ages – one-on-one, phone calls are fine. But did anyone ever find large audioconferencing calls to be very effective? I always found them to be terrible and ineffective, only used when absolutely necessary because an in-person couldn’t be held, usually with lots of confusion and technical problems.

    I also think that meeting culture has gotten out of control though, and believe in holding fewer, better meetings, and not requiring people to come to them unnecessarily. I just really want everyone to be on camera when we do have them.

  57. nnn*

    #3: Depending on the role (because for some roles the answers will already be obvious), perhaps the script of asking about meeting culture could also be adjusted to include, but de-emphasize, the question about cameras. Things like how much time is spent in meetings rather than working independently? Are the meetings interactive or unidirectional? Is there a strict agenda or are they brainstorming sessions?

    Again depending on the role (because some roles are intrinsically meeting-heavy) and depending on how picky you can afford to be, you could also have a script in your pocket that speaks positively about the non-meeting aspects of the work – something like “I’m really hoping for a role where there’s time and space for plenty of focused, heads-down coding. I really thrive on that kind of problem-solving.”

    Then there’s less emphasis on what camera-centric people will see as being precious about being on camera, and more emphasis on enthusiasm for the work.

  58. Numbat*

    #1

    A reminder that you also do not have to, and in fact should not, share your room number with anyone, for reasons of safety that have nothing to do with sleep noises/ night terrors.

    So if a colleague asks, you’re perfectly entitled to not tell them.

  59. IReallyNeedAName*

    LW4 – Your boss is asking for a plan and to recommend who would be good backups. I spent my career in IT and we always documented everything and cross trained for this reason. I see this as a good thing.

    We picked who would cover for us when we went on vacation. We were never asked to, but I would always pick a trusted team member and give them the number of the hotel we would be at in case of a major, catastrophic emergency. Never once was I called.

    We would also find another team member to cover for us when we were on call (had to respond in 15 min) if say we just needed the evening to go to a concert. Next time, you covered for that person and so on. Everyone helped each other out.

    Also there was no way I wanted someone else to choose who my backup was. I wanted to make sure that the person touching my system knew what they were doing and they weren’t going to screw everything up. There were bosses that would have used someone going away as the perfect opportunity to let a more junior team member with no training, skills or knowledge, gain some experience practicing. No way.

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