coworker’s food restrictions mean that I’ll be the one restricted, saying you have to discuss an offer with your spouse, and more

by Alison Green on September 27, 2024

I’m off this week. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. My coworker’s food restrictions mean that I’ll be the one restricted

My company is based mainly in two cities. Every so often, we all meet up in one city or another and go out to eat, paid for by the company. It’s usually a really nice evening, and viewed as a real treat. We’ve always had to be a little careful where we book, because a couple of employees need gluten-free food. But both cities have fantastic restaurants with lots of options — not the kind of places with 30 different menu options and only one gluten-free. So it’s never been much of an issue.

Now we have a new employee who has particular religious dietary requirements. He offered to do the research to find a restaurant which would suit everyone in his city. Great, I thought. Except the only restaurants which he claims will work are ones which serve curry. Curry is — literally — the only thing I cannot eat. I’ve tried so many times, and been sick so many times, that now I can barely tolerate the smell.

His response was, “Well, there will be a non-curry option for you.” Yes, there will. But in most places, it’s plain, dull, uninteresting food. When I’ve tried this in the past, I’ve been served unseasoned chicken lumps and potato, or egg omelettes and chips. I don’t want to be sitting eating that when previously we had lovely evenings with steaks, Italian, or Chinese food, and it was a real treat.

I feel as though I’m being penalized for someone else’s needs — that something I previously enjoyed is essentially being taken away. Frankly, I’d rather not attend at all as I feel that I’m being made into the exception when my own needs should be the easiest of all to meet. It’s literally one dish I need to avoid.

The other employee won’t accept my looking for an alternative restaurant, as he says I don’t know enough about his needs to find one. Is there any way at all to push back on this?

If this is more than preference for you, and the smell of the restaurant will actually make you sick, that needs to be accommodated. It doesn’t make sense to put him in charge of picking a place that meets everyone’s needs if he’s not in fact willing to do that.

But if this is just an issue of preference — you can eat there but you’d prefer somewhere with food you like better — and if it’s really true that he can’t eat anywhere else in the city, then this is just part of the deal with business meals; sometimes you’re going to be stuck with food you’re not thrilled about. I know that sucks when the food has previously been a big part of the appeal, but if he truly can’t eat anywhere else, it’s more important that he be included than that the food be awesome. Unfortunately, because he’s refusing to share information about his needs, he’s making it impossible for you to suggest other options, and that’s not reasonable.

If you haven’t already, I’d first take a look at the menu at the place he picked to make sure you’re right that it’s not somewhere you could happily eat. But if that is indeed the case, it’s reasonable to say, “Unfortunately that restaurant would be difficult for me, so can we discuss other options?”

But if he refuses to share information about what would make a restaurant work for him, it’s worth talking to whoever organizes these evenings about what other options there might be. In the end, it might turn out that this is it — but since it does impact other people, he should be willing to have a dialogue about it.

– 2018

2. Is it better to send the perfect application or apply right away?

I’d be very grateful for your take on a recent job application problem I had: I saw a really exciting job opening at my current company, for which you had to apply via the company’s application site. I only saw the opening on Friday afternoon and didn’t have the chance to look at it properly until the weekend. It said the deadline was the Monday and it had the standard application format on this website, which includes the option of uploading a portfolio. It didn’t seem to be compulsory for this job, but it’s the kind of job for which my portfolio would be relevant, and I thought since I was a stretch for the job (they seemed to want more experience than I had), it would be best to do everything I could to help my application.

Unfortunately the best and most recent samples of my work are work I did at my current job, which I didn’t have at home. I decided to write a draft cover letter and CV, bring the samples home from work on Monday so I could scan and upload them in the evening, and gamble that the job opening would still be open. Unfortunately when I got home it had closed. Out of interest, do you think I did the right thing? Is it better to send a weaker application (in this case, without an up-to-date portfolio) while the opening is still there, or only apply if your application is perfect?

There’s no good answer here, other than “send in a good application as soon as you reasonably can” — which is what you tried to do. Sometimes the timing just won’t work in your favor, and it’s impossible to fully guard against that. You could have taken only an hour, and it still could have closed before you applied if you happened to have bad timing. The main thing is not to delay because of obsessive perfectionism or procrastination. In your case, though, you weren’t doing that.

The one thing I would do differently is, if you know you’re job searching or are likely to be job searching reasonably soon, have everything you need ready to go. You never know when something will pop up that you want to apply for, and ideally you wouldn’t be starting from scratch at that point in getting materials together.

– 2018

3. Should I admit to using internet blocking software?

I recently installed a blocking software on my work computer that allows me limited minutes per day on a custom list of time-wasting websites, a decision which – coupled with a few other changes – has massively upped my work day productivity and organization.

My manager has asked what I’ve done that’s had such a big impact on my organization. I feel a bit conflicted about talking about this software – mostly because I feel I shouldn’t admit that, up until now, I’ve had real problems with procrastinating online! Would you suggest keeping it vague, or should I be honest about a useful tool I’ve found to help me address a problem my boss told me head on I needed to fix?

Ooooh. Yeah, this is likely to come across as “I was wasting so much time before that you were seeing it reflected in my work” and that’s not a great thing to say to your manager, even if it’s now behind you. You mentioned you made a few other changes too, so I might just explain those and not focus on this one.

– 2018

4. Saying that you have to talk over a job offer with your spouse

What are your thoughts on telling a potential employer, “I will need to talk this over with my husband/wife” when considering a job offer? Does it sound too dependent or is it just honest?

It’s pretty common to say “I’d like a few days to think it over and talk with my spouse.”

That said, there’s no need to say it. People without spouses also ask for time to think over offers. It’s fine to simply say, “I’d like to take a few days to think this over. Could I get back to you by Friday?”

– 2016

You may also like:
{ 23 comments }

{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Literally a Cat*

    #1 is so tricky. I’m saying this as someone who will pick curry as the one thing I would eat for rest of my life: the bug and bonus of curry is it’s incredibly aromatic, so that if the smell makes you nauseous the location would automatically be not the right place. I would love to know if there truly is a religious reason where curry is the only food someone can eat, as I’ve lived in multiple places where curry is the default food AND the local dominant religion has specific food restrictions, but I’ve never been aware of this highly specific restriction. My other thought is, Chinese Buddhism has a blanket ban on animal products, garlic, onion, ginger, chives, and the few similars, and some specific people will not eat root vegetables out of principle due to it kills the plants (I think Jain are like this though I’m less familiar). So what would your work place do if there is a person who is a Chinese Buddhist?

    I would absolutely love an update on this.

    Reply ↓
    1. Nah*

      With Orthodox Jewish members of my extended family where they’re also fielding allergies and sensitivities, I know finding ANY sort of place they can go to is such a massive hassle. The food has to be cooked in kosher appliances (I’m unsure of the specific term for it, apologies. they can’t eat anything we cook unless it’s in an oven that’s never had non-kosher dishes made in it – yes that meant we regularly have two turkeys or lasagnas and the like at family gatherings) in addition to following the other restrictions. it’s to the point there’s a whopping two non-explicitly-jewish-owned restaurants we can all go to, one of which is also a (very delicious, oh my word) Indian restaurant, as well as a sushi bar. I know we’re kinda in the middle of nowhere out here but it’s not *that* extreme, and yet!

      Reply ↓
  2. Zurg*

    OP 1 – As someone with Celiac, I often times end up eating the bland option to appease everyone else. Unless it makes you physically ill, I think you can get by doing this once.

    Reply ↓
    1. No to the truffle shuffle*

      Once, yes, but that reads as though this is going to be the default restaurant in that city, now. The curry aversion is real—I have an issue with curry, cilantro, and truffle (I believe they’re all related) and any one of them in a high concentration can make me nauseated. I’ve bowed out when the group wants to go for Indian food, make due if it’s Thai, and truffle is generally not an issue (except once in a specialty truffle oil shop in Napa CA where I lasted less than a minute). But if it was all Indian every time, I’d have a bit of a concern as well.

      Reply ↓
  3. CityMouse*

    The one thing I’m kind of questioning about LW1 is if this is specifically seeking out halal or kosher meat options because then, the other issue is, could this coworker choose to eat vegetarian at another restaurant? (I’ve been in the position of finding halal restaurants and we’ve also been okay with careful vegetarian options, for all the various accommodations I have made, I can’t think of another reason someone would be limited to specific curry places). Because if that’s the case then there is a reasonable accommodation that doesn’t involve limiting to particular restaurants. In that case, I think alternating is appropriate instead of always going to the specific places.

    Reply ↓
    2. Nodramalama*

      There could just be a lot of different dietary requirements to put together. Like often vegetarian food/vegan food is not gluten free and/or nut free. But a lot of Indian restaurants, or example, cater to all of that.

      Reply ↓
    3. Ellis Bell*

      I don’t think it was okay for him to brush off her offer to look for other restaurants by saying “you don’t understand it” though. It would be one thing if his picks were working for them both, but it’s not. I’d be more understanding if the curry houses he’s choosing were one of the few places both halal and gluten free (or whatever his deal is) but I’d also want the chance to offer my own picks. I’d be furious if he were just avoiding vegetarian food at non halal places. That said, OP isn’t the clearest about whether her own deal is critical or a preference. I do sympathise with her very strong dislike though.

      Reply ↓
  4. Nodramalama*

    I’m struggling to picture a cuisine that only serves curry. Most cuisines I can think of with large curry menus like Indian, Thai, Malay have a lot of different kinds of food.

    Imo, it might not be your favourite meal, but if they’re already trying to accommodate multiple dietaries, someone is probably going to end up eating not their favourite food.

    Reply ↓
        1. UKDancer*

          Definitely. This strikes me as definitely a UK situation. London and other cities have a lot of curry houses which have a fairly limited range and do pretty much just curry and one bland and tasteless option for people who don’t eat it. The standard of cooking is usually fairly indifferent in these places but the food is cheap and highly spiced.

          There are other Indian, Thai etc restaurants which serve curry but also have a wider range of options. So my favourite Thai place does different types of Thai curry, stir fried noodle dishes and other dishes.

          Reply ↓
      2. TechWorker*

        I don’t know where this LW is but in the U.K. as well as Indian restaurants that sell a wide variety of dishes there definitely are ones that sell primarily curry (plus the ‘can’t handle spice’ option of omelette and chips, which sounds similar to what LW is describing). They literally get referred to as ‘curry houses’.

        Reply ↓
    3. Ellis Bell*

      UK curry houses serve Indian based curries. The non curry option is likely to be a plate of chips (fries). Lovely chips though.

      Reply ↓
      1. Ellis Bell*

        If OP has an issue with the spice bases in the main meals, I would probably go with: garlic naan, poppadoms and mango chutney with some chips. But this assumes she can tolerate the airborne spices.

        Reply ↓
  5. nnn*

    Another thing to consider in #1’s situation is whether there’s something else your company can do that will genuinely feel like just as much of a treat, but doesn’t require everyone to all eat at the same restaurant. Having some kind of catered event where you might have more control over the options you order from the caterers? Everyone ordering a doordash from their own preferred restaurant and then eating together? Something completely non-food-centric activity in the afternoon, with the assumption that people will fend for themselves for dinner afterwards?

    The right answer depends drastically on specifics we don’t have answers to so it’s unlikely anyone is going to arrive at the right solution in a comments section, but the point is to think about whether there’s something other than “let’s all eat dinner together in the same restaurant” that will meet the same needs.

    Reply ↓
  6. Sally*

    With OP1, I feel like the problem isn’t just dietary, but the fact that the coworker is being so dismissive of OP1’s needs. Surely this would go better if they could discuss and maybe find a compromise (or ask the restaurant if they would allow outside food, etc). It almost sounds like the coworker is taking out their anger from years of getting their dietary needs ignored, but it seems like it’s setting up a hostile team dynamic. Maybe there is a neutral organizer who can help mediate.

    Reply ↓
  8. GammaGirl1908*

    For 5, you **should** be talking things over with your spouse! Your finances and hours and benefits/insurance and travel and responsibilities affect the whole household.

    Unless you and Spouse agreed ahead of time on acceptable thresholds (like, “the job parameters are otherwise good, and as long as they offer 1XX,XXX or more, go for it”), assessing the family situation should be downright **necessary.**

    Reply ↓
    1. Nocturna*

      Sure, but not everything you do within your family needs to be (or should be) communicated to your potential employer.

      Reply ↓
    2. Susan Calvin*

      That’s really not the point though, as Alison’s answer makes clear. What’s necessary for you to DO and what’s necessary for you to TELL are overlapping but very much not the same!

      Reply ↓

Leave a Comment

Before you comment: Please be kind, stay on-topic, and follow the site's commenting rules.
You can report an ad, tech, or typo issue here.

Subscribe to all comments on this post by RSS