do we have to accommodate a dieting employee?

by Alison Green on September 9, 2024

A reader writes:

I know that we need to accommodate employees with dietary restrictions due to health or religious needs, but what about employees who choose to go on diets?

I have a colleague, Collette, who has been willingly doing a Keto diet for the last year, and she still is insufferable about it. Anytime people bring in treats or snacks that do not align with her diet, she makes comments about how we tempt her or how the smell of the food makes her sick or how she once again can’t enjoy the food we are all snacking on.

We do team lunches every month and Collette always makes a scene over whether or not there is anything for her to eat at the restaurant that the group votes on. Sometimes the lunch is for a new coworker starting that month (we let them choose the spot), and once Collette refused to join the group for a welcome lunch because the place was Italian and mostly carbs (but…salad?).

It’s not so much about her right to opt out of a group lunch as it is just all the snowballing comments. If I go on a diet, I don’t make other people feel bad about what they consume or inconvenience them because of my choice. Dieting is personal decision and I understand that going on one means will have to deal with repercussions in different areas of my life, including work. Am I coming at this the wrong way? Should we always accommodate any diets that colleagues are willingly on? If not, do we just need to put up with Collette’s constant comments?

I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

You may also like:
{ 362 comments }

{ 362 comments… read them below }

      1. allathian*

        LOL yes. Reindeer meat is tasty. It tastes something like a cross between venison and beef. A bit gamey, but not excessively so. Moose is a lot more gamey.

        My pet reindeer-related peeve is that all of Santa’s reindeer are does! Reindeer and the related caribou are the only deer where the females as well as the males have horns. The bucks drop theirs at the end of the mating season in the fall while the (pregnant) does keep theirs until their calves are born in the spring. This gives them a competitive advantage for food in the winter.

        Reindeer are semi-wild and basically go where they want most of the time. The bucks are generally fairly savage and don’t like people much. The reindeer does that pull sleds of tourists have almost always been hand-raised from a very young age so they’re used to being handled. If you go to Lapland and see reindeer in the wild, you treat them like you would any largish wild animals, with caution. Even if they’re more like cattle in the sense that every reindeer belongs to somebody.

        But unless you’re Sámi and raise reindeer or live in Lapland, reindeer meat is a rare delicacy rather than something you eat often.

            2. Rain, Disappointing Australian (formerly Lucien Nova)*

              That’s it, I’m slain. Too much laughter. Send help. :D

    4. HailRobonia*

      According to my health tracker app, 100 grams of raw reindeer meat has 107 calories, 22 grams of protein, and 22% rda of iron. Good to know next time I go to Reindeer Hut (or its competitor, Caribou-a-rama)

        1. Prorata*

          Moose and Squirrel a-go-go.

          Boris & Natasha, managers.

          Along with sister company SuperChicken….home of SuperSauce!!

          Motto….”You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred!!”

  2. Dr. Rebecca*

    Agreed with Alison that the two separate issues are “Collette has certain dietary requirements” and “Collette is being a boor.”

    OP if you’re not at a level where you can tell her to knock it off, can you enlist a person who is? Maybe tell her boss “we want to include Collette and we’ll try harder to do so, but we’d really like the personal comments to stop”?

    1. NotBatman*

      YES. I also think that the distinction between “people can eat if they want” and “everyone is expected to eat” is really important. I have an allergy (lactose intolerance) that prevents me eating huge swathes of American food. If my book club’s snacks are all pizza and cheesecake, I don’t mind. But if a work meeting is sold as “lunch provided” and the “vegan” option is cheese sandwiches (actual thing that happened) then I am going to speak to the caterer about finding a different option.

      1. Bear Expert*

        I have some stupid and difficult food allergies that make me challenging to feed. Add in texture sensitivities and awkward medical things and its a toss up if I’m eating a given meal at all. Food is hard for me.

        I like knowing ahead of time where group meals are going so I can look up menus and figure out if I can enter the restaurant (bless the colleague who noticed that one of our favorite lunch places had a special that would shut down my lungs and offered to just bring mine back to the office for me.) and if I would be inclined to eat anything when I got there.

        For catering, I give about half a shot. Some times kitchens can come up with a really cool thing for me. (Shout out to the conference center in Maine whose chef looked at my list of complications and whipped up the most delicious teriyaki I’ve ever had. You’re a champ.) Sometimes its undressed lettuce and a sad chicken breast. If I’m going to be stuck somewhere, I pack snacks.

        But it would take about 4 visits to the “Bear Murder Deli” before I asked to go somewhere else. If it was a new hire’s first day pick? I’d meet them after lunch with a smile and a cup of tea. I’m glad food is easier for other people, they should enjoy it!

        The diet is not the issue, that Collette is being awful to people is an issue. Food provided by the company should make an effort to be suitable, but Collette needs to be hauled way in on her comments on anyone else’s food.

        1. Dog momma*

          Understand. I have food aversion post surgery and chemotherapy. and its permanent. Fairly restrictive boring diet in getting enough protein. its a ME problem, not anyone else’s problem. I’ll go to most any restaurant locally and I’m able to find SOMETHING to eat. I can eat hamburger and chicken, some seafood, very limited Italian and Mexican. , no other red meat or pork. Few veggies. Some dairy intolerance. I don’t complain. I HAVE explained to friends so they don’t feel uncomfortable. Its hard, but doable.

  3. Angel*

    I think if Collette were Colt, then y’all would be listening to him. But because women’s bodies are treated like bewitched clay no one feels they have to take her diet seriously. Please respect her mental or physical health.

    1. Noodles*

      What? I’m a woman, and I want my employer to respect my need for my food choices to not be commented on, and for as little diet talk in the office as possible. Doesn’t matter if it’s a man or a woman—what Colette is doing is rude. The company should try to accommodate her diet needs, but she also needs to take responsibility for not shaming everyone else.

      1. WillowSunstar*

        Yes, this is one of the things I like about WFH, not having to put up with food police at work constantly.

    2. mayflower*

      I think if Colette respected other people’s food choices, then her food choices would also be respected.

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        This! In fact, there’s a chance that this letter might not even exist if that were the case.

        I’m a vegetarian and understand that some places naturally have more options for me than others. If it’s limited, I just say to myself that it’s one meal, and I am an adult who can deal with it. Colette can do the same. (But it is nice when there are more options for everyone!)

        1. Annika Hansen*

          I am also a vegetarian and do the same. It’s not like I am allergic to something and cross contamination will make my throat swell shut. I may just need to have a snack beforehand if all i get is salad. You can also try calling a restaurant beforehand and see if they can make something for you.

        2. Spicy Tuna*

          I am a vegetarian. I worked with the same group of people for 10 years. We ordered in, we ate out, we snacked at the office. After we all went our separate ways, we got together for dinner one night. Somehow or another, this was the first time that the fact that I was a vegetarian came up! I managed to figure out my own eating for 10 years without being “that person”

      2. Ms. Eleanous*

        if Colette respected other people’s food choices, then her food choices would also be respected.

        DING DING DING
        Mayflower .. for the win
        ..

    3. NurseThis*

      I do think the loud martyrdom on the plinth of keto needs to stop. Accommodate, fine but she needs to dial it back around day to day food offerings by other employees.

        1. Charlotte Lucas*

          I bring in homemade baked goods for coworkers all the time. Yes, I am trying to tempt them! Because I don’t want any leftovers. (But I also don’t want people to eat food that they can’t eat. Since we’re all adults, I assume they know their limits/rules.)

          1. Blue Pen*

            I wouldn’t even frame it as a willpower thing, though. If the diet she’s chosen to follow does not “allow” her to eat that thing, then that’s on her.

        3. Somehow I Manage*

          Yes. That’s too much. Unless someone is baking banana bread and then bringing it to Collette and slowly running it under her nose, or cutting a large piece of cake and just leaving it on her desk, the temptation is something she needs to deal with.

          1. Reebee*

            “Unless someone is baking banana bread and then bringing it to Collette and slowly running it under her nose…”

            —-

            lol. Hilarious!

        4. Blue Pen*

          Taken out of context, I can totally see someone saying something like that in passing as a joke or just a funny/casual/throw-away thing to say. But if Colette’s delivering that line in such a way—and it sounds like she is—that makes the other person feel guilty or responsible for keeping Colette happy, that’s a totally different story. That’s obnoxious, and she needs to figure out how to not make her food choices everyone else’s problem. And this is coming from me, a vegetarian.

        5. goddessoftransitory*

          Yes. Unless her coworkers are doing The Dance of The Seven Veils: With Doughnut in front of her desk or something, they’re just eating.

    5. Distracted Procrastinator*

      As someone who follows a restricted diet for health reasons, nah, gender really doesn’t make a difference here, especially with the keto diet. people have such a visceral reaction to it, that they will give the same disrespect to anyone regardless of gender.

      1. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

        This has nothing to do with a “visceral reaction to the keto diet”. And respect goes both ways

        Alison’s advice is spot on. If they are going on a team lunch then yes, it should be accommodated but anyone complaining about other people’s food because it doesn’t meet their diets – especially when they couch it in terms of temptation is being very disrespectful of their coworkers. Just because Colette is Keto, doesn’t mean anyone else has to stop eating donuts at work.

      2. Triplestep*

        I’m curious what your gender is. Because it impacts how many grains of salt I’m going to give your comment.

        For what it’s worth, I’m a woman who uses a ketogenic diet to control the symptoms of a chronic condition – not to lose weight. I would never talk about it or complain about it as much as Collete does, but I do face many assumptions that I think a man would not face. I have learned to not say Keto, but instead say “dietary restrictions due to chronic conditions”. Most people don’t care unless they are hosting, in which case I’ll say “very low carb”.

        1. Ace in the Hole*

          Agree 100% with your last sentence. I’ve noticed the same thing… people typically respond much better to “I can’t eat meat or fish” than to “I’m a vegetarian.”

          In general I think it works better to provide a description vs a label, since people tend to attach their own feelings/associations to labels that may be quite different from anything you intended.

      3. Mid*

        And like any diet with militant followers, it’s because a very vocal minority of that diet is insufferable about it. (Speaking as a former vegan, with a brother who does intermittent Keto. No one knew I was vegan except when they explicitly asked, because there are so many insufferable vegans.) It’s not fair for people to make assumptions about you as a person because of your diet and the small annoying group that ruins it for everyone, but it also sounds like Colette is being annoying at best, and fully rude at times.

        Also, when you choose a highly restrictive diet, you have to accept that sometimes it will limit your options in dining. It’s not fun to be left out, but it also sounds like Colette is actually leaving herself out. Italian restaurants can absolutely have keto options (meat + cheese!), as can pretty much every other restaurant, except *maybe* a strictly vegan place, depending on how many vegetables her version of Keto allows. I spent many meals eating a bland salad with French fries because I chose to spend time socializing and knew the place didn’t have a good vegan option. That was my choice. No one gets to hold a group hostage because of their personal choices. (Allergies are a different issue, because that’s a life threatening medical condition, and I never seem to hear about people with those allergies demanding everyone cater to their wishes, just requesting things for their safety.)

        My dear friend has very very very severe Celiac. She can eat at very few places, even some restaurants that are supposed to be Celiac safe, because of how severely sensitive she is to cross contamination. This is a medical condition, and even so, she still recognizes that she will sometimes be left out of social gatherings because of the severity of her dietary restrictions. Her office does it’s best to make sure she always has an option for in-office meals, and is always generous with letting her order her own food from a safe restaurant on their dime, but they can’t serve alcohol in the office, and sometimes it’s nice to go to a happy hour at a nearby bar. She brings her own snacks, gets canned drinks she knows are safe, and has a good time. We all do our best to accommodate her at social gatherings, but she will never come to dinner parties or potlucks and be able to eat anything, because even if the dish is gluten-free, no one’s home is safe enough from cross contamination. We buy her pre-packaged snacks that we know are safe, and still invite her to potlucks because we enjoy her company.

        1. Orv*

          It sounds like Colette wants to avoid any place with food that might tempt her cravings, not just places that can’t accommodate her diet.

          1. doreen*

            I was wondering what the issue with the Italian restaurant was, because I’ve never been to one that only served carbs. I was thinking that maybe she just didn’t like the keto-suitable meals, but I think you are right and she doesn’t want to be tempted.

            1. Lea*

              Yeah I was thinking I’m sure they have some sort of chicken or fish that she could have, so I bet she would just want pasta not that they really haven’t accommodated her

          2. Cmdrshprd*

            I think part of it is how do people define as something that can accommodate your/Keto diet?

            I think most restaurants can accommodate a keto diet, it is just that your options might be limited and not a cohesively presented or super appetizing meal, but if you are on such a restricted diet you need to resign yourself to that fact and just eat what you can because you need food/sustenance not necessarily because it tastes good together. I imagine most restaurants can do a piece of meat and cheese or veggies. It might not be super enjoyable but you get to eat.

            1. Orv*

              Most Italian restaurants have meat dishes that don’t have pasta; salmon picatta and chicken marsala are two that come to mind. Most nice restaurants have a steak on the menu somewhere, too.

          3. Starbuck*

            Which is definitely over the top as far as reasonable accommodations go. Colette definitely needs to suck it up on that front, people aren’t eating -at- her.

          4. LL*

            Which is 100% on Colette. Whatever cravings she has are HER issues and no one else needs to accommodate that.

      4. Orv*

        The funny thing is I think of the keto diet as a stereotypically male thing — like, almost everyone I know who’s been on it was a weightlifting gym rat.

        1. Ace in the Hole*

          Interesting! I associate it mostly with older women trying to control blood sugar. I have no idea if this is actually true, or if it just happens to be my social circle.

    6. Goldenrod*

      No, hard disagree. No one is forcing Collette to go on the Keto diet…I can say this with certainty because no respectable health professional would recommend such a frankly dangerous diet.

      Collette is choosing to go on a crazy diet, and that’s her choice, but blathering about it all the time is not okay in a professional environment. I wouldn’t want to hear about it all day. It has nothing to do with gender.

      1. Moose*

        Keto isn’t dangerous; it’s just difficult. It was developed by doctors and is still recommended for patients, children in particular, with treatment resistant seizures. I’ve had a few clients on keto for their seizures and it’s difficult to accommodate but very important for their health.

        1. GenX, PhD, Enters the Chat*

          It can be dangerous for people who don’t have the specific health conditions mentioned in this thread.

        2. TokenJockNerd*

          Medical keto is…uh…not particularly good for you (this is an understatement)

          It’s just *far* better for you than intractable epilepsy.

          Adults who are choosing their own diets are not doing medical keto. It’s nigh unpalatable.

          (…don’t mind me, I was on medical keto for intractable seizures for a hot minute, it was the worst of times)

          1. NurseThis*

            Cream cheese for dessert? I worked on a neuro-pediatric unit. The diet gets old fast. For the kids it worked for, it worked well.

      2. MA Mere*

        Actually, it is frequently prescribed by board certified physicians in obesity medicine for metabolic syndrome .

        1. Annie*

          I saw a few medical websites recommending those as alternatives to keto, but not necessarily with a “keto is BAD BAD BAD, do Mediterranean diet or DASH instead” type of tone, more, “they all work, but each has its own advantages and disadvantages and different levels of suitability for each patient”.

          One such study illustrating this is titled, “Effect of a ketogenic diet versus Mediterranean diet on glycated hemoglobin in individuals with prediabetes and type 2 diabetes mellitus: The interventional Keto-Med randomized crossover trial”

      3. Triplestep*

        The Ketogenic diet was conceived in the 1920’s to treat epilepsy, and is still used today to treat drug-resistant epilepsy. It is recommended by may doctors and other healthcare professionals – not just for weight loss but to treat various conditions or to relieve symptoms of chronic progressive conditions (including mine: Lipedema. Spelled correctly, so feel free to look it up). It also has been proven to relieve inflammation which can help people with chronic pain reduction.

        A ketogenic diet is anything but a “crazy diet” and only people who haven’t done any research believe that “no respectable health professional” would recommend it. I know your mind is made up, but I’m typing this so that anyone who reads your comment won’t be afraid to try it if they are swayed by your uninformed opinion. Keto has been nothing short of life changing for me, and my medical team is fully on board.

          1. Triplestep*

            And yet … you said it “with certainty”.

            We are all entitled to our opinions, but please consider that when you express yours strongly and it’s uninformed, you may actually be hurting people. In this case, people who would be helped by eating this way, but then reject the idea because someone who comes across as knowledgeable has said with certainty no reputable health care professional would recommend it.

            1. judyjudyjudy*

              It’s great it worked for you and your condition, and I’m glad it changed your life for the better. But there’s plenty of bad practices and bias in medicine, so I don’t think doctors are the last word on what is good for people universally. Especially in regards to fatness.

          1. Triplestep*

            I don’t have time to find links right now, but you can go to Pub Med and search on “Ketogenic Diet” and “Inflammation”.

      4. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

        Ok, no. Medical science knows far too little about how the human body works for people to be prescriptive about it. I have tinkered with my diet over many years with very positive results and get VERY salty about the idea that I’m just supposed to allow myself to be unwell and suffer until someone bothers to think about understanding whatever it is that is going on in here. That’s before we get to the whole “well, just lose some weight” cop-out that most doctors will give for almost any ailment a heavier person might have.

    7. Sleepiest Girl Out Here*

      Making comments on people’s food is just baseline jerk behavior. It’s up to a manager to correct someone if they are being rude and making people uncomfortable.

    8. Baela Targaryen*

      I’m a woman who does this kind of thing for a living and I would laugh in a man’s face the same as I would a woman.

    9. Devo Forevo*

      This is a completely spurious argument. As a person with a female body and actual dietary restrictions for health reasons, I would find Colt just as insufferable. If it’s such a big deal to her, she can bring her own food or proactively provide alternatives that are easy to accommodate. Provided she’s actually IN ketosis, which is highly unlikely, but that’s another story.

      1. Devo Forevo*

        (my coworkers bake a lot, and my default is to say “oh, that looks delicious!” and then move on with my day)

      2. Ellis Bell*

        Yup, I have a full lunch bag and varied snacks every day because accidental glutening isn’t my idea of a fun adventure. If you’re prepared, you’re in a position to say “Oh what cute cupcakes you’ve baked!” before breaking out your own pre-chosen elevenses. I do think it’s polite for a manager to attend least offer to learn the details of a few suitable snacks for people with tricky diets IF they provide snacks instead of just saying “Oh you’re just a weirdo glutenfree-vegan arencha” (I once had a manager who thought vegan and gluten free were both the same diet). However the “don’t tempt me” comment doesn’t really sound like someone who wants there to be more to eat, or to be eating at the same level as others. I’d be concerned if she was trying to get snacking reduced, as well as the meal options in restaurants, to help her willpower. That’s absolutely not okay.

    10. Observer*

      I think if Collette were Colt, then y’all would be listening to him.

      Nope. People are ticked because she’s being a jerk.

      I happen to agree that no one should be deciding if she “really needs” the diet or not. But people who are unhelpful in working on solutions, and who try to insist that other people need to go to ridiculous lengths to “accommodate” them lose credibility. I mean she’s expecting people to only bring in snacks that she can eat! That’s just ridiculous.

      1. GenX, PhD, Enters the Chat*

        wtf? No, it’s not. It’s pretty much the opposite of feminist to food-shame and body-shame other women.

    12. Stop the insanity*

      I’m a female diabetic. Also a grown up. If every treat at a meeting is loaded with sugar I pass on it without expecting alternative dishes. Or I take a very small portion of one or two things. It has nothing to do with being a woman or body image. She’s being a pain and everyone else who’s managing their food issues discreetly wants her to stop. I’d bet an insulin pen on that.

    13. Jam on Toast*

      No, I don’t think gender is a factor here. Collette’s complaints and asides are having an impact on the team’s functioning irrespective of the gender of the dieter. There’s no indication by the LW that team members have been belittling her diet or her body. In fact, it sounds more like Collette is shaming other team members when they share different types of food that she judges as harmful or ‘bad’ and obliquely criticizing them for making different dietary choices than her.

      So while the manager absolutely does need to make sure Collette’s food choices are *considered* when meeting snacks or team lunches are being planned so that she can participate equally, the manager shouldn’t *prioritize* Collette’s food choices above all of the other team members’ choices simply to appease her.

      It is on Collette to manage her feelings about food, and it is not professional or reasonable of her to expect her team members to defer to her dietary preferences at the expense of their own.

    14. jenny*

      Absolutely not. My husband (male) is on a keto diet. While I’m very proud of his discipline and impressed with his success (to him, success is weight loss) he is absolutely insufferable. I think he’s told that pretty regularly and not just by me.

      1. Not on board*

        Agree that a lot of keto dieters are somewhat insufferable, as are many vegans, and also hardcore carnivores. Just eat what you want and leave me alone.

        2. Six for the truth over solace in lies*

          I have a coworker on the carnivore diet, and oooof would that be hard to accommodate. Thankfully, he seems to be fine just having an iced tea at the restaurant and eating his chicken breast with eggs and butter after.

          Did have a problem a few years ago with someone I volunteered with who was a raw vegan. Nothing that had been heated over 120F. She wasn’t thrilled that our solution was a different big salad every day (with lots of nuts and avocado for calories), but the suggested alternatives involved sprouting grains or using a dehydrator, and we didn’t have time to put that into food on top of everything else.

      2. Artemesia*

        Our friend who is convinced the keto diet will cure his two different types of cancer, also touted ivermectin and put himself in the hospital because it turns out if you eat too much tumeric it can be toxic to your kidneys. And yes he is insufferable but pretty much about everything.

    16. Not on board*

      This is a crazy take. As a woman, I do recognize that women and men get treated differently when doing the exact same thing, but this is not it. There are so many past columns about male coworkers/bosses who do what Collette is doing and nobody thinks it should be tolerated.

      Collette is entitled to do her keto diet, she’s entitled to want to be accomodated during staff lunches within reason, but she is NOT entitled to comment on other people’s diet, the snacks people bring in, complain about being tempted, etc. I’m not allowed to bring in donuts because someone else has no willpower or will feel bad about not eating them? Come on.

    17. Elle*

      On the contrary, I think that were it Colt commenting on what folks were eating the way Colette is, he’d be (correctly) labeled a controlling weirdo. This isn’t a feminist issue unless you think diet culture is somehow an inherent part of existing as a woman.

      1. Project Maniac-ger*

        I think diet culture is an integral part of being a woman (in the US) but Collette is an asshole and that’s an equal opportunity issue. If it wasn’t Keto, she’d probably be weird about something else and it would also be a problem the manager needs to address.

        1. But Of Course*

          It’s so strange that I manage to be a woman, in the US, who has never gone on a diet and associates pretty exclusively with around ten other women who do not diet. I guess we’re just freaks who don’t read fashion magazines! Or maybe we’re not in the US. Bali would be nice.

          In other words: diet culture is as much a part of your life, even as a woman, even in the US, as you let it be.

          1. E*

            I also am a woman in the US with a group of women friends who aren’t involved in diet culture. It’s not an impossible thing!

          2. A Library Person*

            I’ve never read fashion magazines but I grew up in the 90s and got plenty of messaging about what my body “should” look like from every little piece of pop culture. You don’t have to seek it out or buy into it to be affected by it. I’m genuinely glad that you and this group of women have found a way to exist outside of diet culture, but it can still be incredibly pervasive and damaging. There’s a reason so many letters here are about people policing food decisions.

            1. Blue Pen*

              Exactly. And whether they know it or not, I can be certain that other people in their lives who had (or have) decision-making over their careers have been swayed by diet culture. Unless you were born and lived completely off grid without access to other people or media/technology, very few people in this country are completely immune from these extremely powerful forces.

              I don’t know if I’m coming on too strong or reading something in the writer’s response that’s not there; maybe they meant something more along the lines of “I don’t follow a diet in my life.” That’s obviously completely fine, but I think they’re willfully overlooking the fact that they had to make that decision against a culture that tells them in 5,000 different ways to always watch what you eat, dislike (or even hate) how you look, never be content with your personal appearance, etc.

          3. Blue Pen*

            Eh, I’d be careful with that assessment. That’s genuinely awesome for you and your colleagues that you’re sure to have not fallen under the spell of diet culture, but please consider yourselves to be the extremely rare exception—not the rule. I’m also a little offended by your closing in that diet culture is something you can choose to let happen to you or not. This is an immensely powerful, systemic, multi-billion dollar industry with tentacles in nearly every facet of modern American life; it is well-documented, trialed, and researched that women are conditioned in such an environment from a very young age for the majority (if not all) of their lives. How people respond to those conditions, of course, isn’t unilateral, but I’d be willing to bet good money it’s affected you in ways you haven’t recognized or come to terms with yet.

        2. LL*

          No it isn’t! It’s very widespread, but it’s not integral and we need to move away from this idea that women should be dieting all the time!

      2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        “unless you think diet culture is somehow an inherent part of existing as a woman”

        I mean it certainly feels that way sometimes.

    18. iglwif*

      Nope, Colt would be equally insufferable.

      It’s not the diet that’s causing issues! It’s the behaviour around the diet.

      Look, I’m a vegetarian with a lot of weird food allergies. I am the person who overthinks catering and restaurant choices for group meals to make sure everyone has at least one non-disappointing option. I completely understand how annoying it can be when everyone else chooses a restaurant where your options are very limited! But I am also an adult who is capable of saying, “welp, I’m going to have limited options this time,” and shutting up about other people’s food choices.

      Nobody who didn’t ask you about your diet wants to hear about your diet, whether you’re Colette or Colt or whoever.

    19. RebPar*

      A food CHOICE is different from a food allergy or food requirement. Keto is a choice. And it’s not a choice that an entire corporate department needs to accommodate. Nor do they need to accommodate the breathtaking entitlement that goes along with the behavior described in this letter.

      1. I don't work in this van*

        It may not be a choice though. Keto can help manage a number of chronic conditions, as mentioned upstream.

        1. AnneCordelia*

          But even if it’s not a choice, Collette doesn’t need to be a jerk about it. If she were a diabetic, she would have the right to have food that she could eat be available, but it still wouldn’t be ok for her to whine loudly every time someone else got dessert at a staff lunch, or brought in a sugary treat to share.

      2. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

        It’s really not that clear. E.g. I have hypoglycemia. So, I could choose to eat pizza for lunch, but I would be barely functional all afternoon. I have a lot of sensitivities that can function in weird ways (eg when I stopped eating much gluten, the proprioception aspect of my sensory integration disorder improved dramatically).

        Doctors constantly tell people to lose weight and if the way they have found that works to lose weight is Keto, then they are following their doctor’s instructions. If she’s making a choice for her health, it’s not that different from someone with an allergy making a choice for their health.

      3. Zelda*

        Because some Jews don’t keep kosher, would you argue that those who do are doing it by CHOICE and need not be accomodated?

        Don’t go there. The advice is absolutely correct that Colette’s diet needs to be accomodated as much as it can be, without anybody policing what diet she is and isn’t allowed to follow. It’s her behavior around that that is rude and needs to be quashed.

      4. NotAnotherManager!*

        I have people on my team whose food choices include being vegetarian and vegan as well as one who is gluten-free for reasons other than a full-blown allergy/intolerance and one who requires kosher meals. We do not require any of them to prove that this is an allergy or other medical/religious/protected need to routinely provide food options that meets their restrictions. Frankly, I don’t want to get into medical info or require doctors’ notes for food preferences when we can just as easily say, “hey, we get lunch sometimes, let us know if you have any restrictions we need to work around.” Typically, a full 1/4 of my team has some sort of restriction that we’ve managed to accommodate without a lot of angst.

        I think the reaction to Colette is based on how obnoxious she is being about it. That needs to be addressed. But deciding you’re going to ignore the obnoxious person’s food preferences because it’s a “choice” is going to open a can of worms or ruin lunches for everyone.

      5. Beth*

        I want to push back on the idea of food choice vs food requirement–yes, they’re very different things from the inside, where one might kill you and the other is something you chose. But from the outside, when you’re accommodating someone else’s dietary restriction, they’re not different! You don’t generally get to question whether someone’s restriction is optional–that would be incredibly rude. You just make sure that whatever food you’re planning includes at least one option that they can eat.

        Of course, neither an allergy nor a religious restriction nor a diet choice entitles you to comment on other people’s food, and none of those mean that people around you have to follow your diet when you eat together. But most people with any kind of restriction–chosen or otherwise–understand that. Collette’s just being a jerk.

        1. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

          I will say that the choice vs requirement can matter from the outside when you’re thinking about cross-contamination. If someone doesn’t like seafood, they can avoid ordering anything with it and be OK. If they’re allergic, they’ll need to ask questions about whether the fries were cooked in the same oil as the calamari. So if I know that my friend is allergic to avocados, I’ll make sure not to use avocado oil when cooking for her (a real example) but if she just doesn’t like them I just won’t serve her anything using actual avocados.

      6. Clisby*

        Not defending the behavior described here, but there are a number of dietary restrictions that clearly are choices, and I think they should be accommodated if possible. Jewish people who choose a kosher diet, Muslim people who choose a halal diet, vegans and vegetarians who choose those diets for other-than-medical reasons are examples.

      8. wordsword*

        Maybe, or maybe it’s a medical accommodation, but also, it doesn’t matter. Plenty of dietary restrictions are choices, and plenty of them aren’t, and plenty of them are somewhere in the hazy borderland of “I make an individual choice in how I follow this cultural practice of my religion/ethnic group/etc” or “I don’t have a diagnosis, but I feel better when I follow these restrictions,” or whatever. And also, it’s really not my coworkers’ business why I eat what I eat, and whether it’s worth accommodating.

        Now, as Alison has said, reasonable accommodations don’t mean “everybody can only eat at the one restaurant that’s Colette-approved.” And they don’t mean “everybody in the company has to approve the menu of every single place.” Sometimes you know that there’s nothing you can eat on a menu, and you decide it’s worth it; sometimes you don’t have any official restrictions, you just don’t like what’s on offer. But it does mean “we do our best to make sure Colette is included, and that there’s something for her to eat at any official thing, and that we don’t pick restaurants she can’t easily eat at 90% of the time.” And it means the same is true for everyone else in the company with dietary restrictions, including any people who might have ones that go directly counter to Colette’s. (It may be hard for Colette and a vegan to both eat happily at the same place, for instance, depending on the details! Those are just competing accommodations that need to be balanced, not one that trumps the other.)

        However, you’re absolutely right that, as Alison said, Colette’s rude comments about other people’s food, and attempts to make it their responsibility to help her stick to her diet, do not in any way need to be accommodated.

      9. iglwif*

        If they refuse to make any accommodation, they may not be legally in the wrong but they are being jerks.

        However, Colette is also being a jerk! Not by eating a keto diet (whether by choice or for medical reasons DOESN’T MATTER) but by making everyone else’s lives miserable for no reason.

    20. MassMatt*

      No, gender has nothing to do with this. Collette is being a boor, and her comments about other people’s food would be boorish whether they were made by her or by a man.

      I’m not a dietician, but IMO diets which significantly impair employee behavior or ability cross over from “what you eat is none of my business” to “this is very much affecting our business”. I’ve known several people that have done keto diets and their mood, energy level, memory, and ability to concentrate were all very much negatively affected. Ditto for starvation diets.

    21. Bast*

      Nope. While I’ve met fewer men subscribing to very strict diets, I’ve met some, mostly in the gym. If I had those same men in the office talking about how sugar is the devil (usually what I hear) and I’m killing myself by eating a banana every day, or… heaven forbid, something like A COOKIE!!… I wouldn’t be very tolerant of that either. I already have issues surrounding food, and I’ve worked VERY hard to be able to get to the point where I can eat certain foods without feeling intense guilt make it any less or more problematic.

      1. Bast*

        And I spliced my comment… Whether someone is a man, woman, nonbinary, etc., does not make it any less problematic for me.

    23. Mystik Spiral*

      False. I don’t care if it’s Colt or Collette, constant comments on what people at the office are eating is annoying and should be stopped. What about the respect for other people’s mental or physical health? What people eat is none of your business and not open for comments, unless the eater specifically asks for your opinion.

    24. DramaQ*

      Wow really? I worked with someone with Celiac’s and if it was a work function they would do their best to accommodate her but sometimes it was pretty bare bones depending on the location.

      If we did things in the lab we’d order gluten free pizza or ask if she had a favorite treat so we could bring in something for her to share too.

      She wasn’t a dick about it. I could eat all the gluten I wanted to without her commenting about it. If someone dropped off things in the cafeteria to share she didn’t complain they were “tempting” her, she knew she couldn’t eat gluten and wouldn’t have eaten it even if they tried to accommodate her because the need for preventing cross contamination was high for her.

      I could see maybe sending Collette the menu ahead of time and asking her what would work for her.

      Just about any meal can be modified within reason and she should feel free to ask. Or you can call ahead and see if you can have a meal reserved for her. That’s what our company HR lady would do for my coworker.

      But she can’t hold other people’s dietary choices hostage because she feels she can’t control her eating habits. John should be able to bring his lunch from home without having to clear it with Colette that it won’t “tempt” her.

      I suppose you could ban treats in the office out of sensitivity for people’s food preferences but I feel like that is a double edge sword because everyone is going to know it was Collette who caused them to stop.

      I’d be just as annoyed at a man complaining about how dare I bring pasta for my lunch because he is on the keto diet and might be tempted to cheat. Not my problem you have no will power buddy. Stop commenting on my food you don’t have any more right than I do to be the food police.

    25. Beth*

      What? No, obnoxious diet commentary from men does not go over better than obnoxious diet commentary from women. None of this is gendered, and nothing OP says makes it sound like they’re treating it in a gendered way.

      When providing food for the team, employers should do their best to make sure everyone is included. That does mean picking restaurants where there’s something Collette can eat. And it does mean making sure she has an option to be included on official treats e.g. at team celebrations. It honestly sounds like OP’s workplace is meeting this bar–even the Italian restaurant Collette refused to go to had keto-friendly options–but they should continue to make sure it’s met going forward.

      But I think OP’s main issue is Collette’s constant commentary, complaints, and general negativity around food. And that absolutely shouldn’t be accommodated. No one should be making snotty comments about snacks that others brought in. No one should be going around saying that the smell of their coworkers’ food makes them sick. If someone brings in snacks and you can’t partake, you politely decline–you don’t make a big stink about how their “I baked last night and can’t keep all this at home, please have some if you want” offering doesn’t accommodate your diet.

    27. Hyaline*

      Wtf?! If “Colt” were being a jerk about his food choices, I’d feel exactly the same way as I do about a woman kvetching about banana bread in the break room or whatever. And if Colette—or Colt—was chill about it I wouldn’t care what they chose to eat.

    28. Festively Dressed Earl*

      There are plenty of AAM letters about obnoxious male bosses obsessed with some health craze or another to disprove this assertion.

      1. Observer*

        Yes. I was thinking the same thing. And not just bosses.

        Including one memorable letter where a guy was telling everyone that milk production is the exact same thing as raping the cows! Which was bad enough, but that LW happened to be a survivor of SA, but *really* did not want to bring that up. Especially not with that boor.

    30. JB (not in Houston)*

      I think you’re wrong about that. I had a male coworker who would not shut up about Keto (he had real disdain for any man who was heavier than he thought the man should be, and he was always on whatever fad diet was “in” with the dudebro community), and we found him insufferable. Yes, as a society, we place harsher penalties on women who deviate from what we consider acceptable, but that’s not what this is about.

    32. LL*

      I mean, if the man were behaving the same way Collette is, I absolutely would not be taking him seriously. It’s none of his frickin business what his coworkers are eating and nobody is bringing in snacks to share AT him. If Collette would cut out all the comment,sI think people would be way less annoyed about accommodating here.

    33. warm smile in your voice*

      This is a pretty weird take, including the bit about women’s bodies being bewitched clay. You feeling okay, Angel?

    34. EDIA*

      There’s literally multiple letters in the AAM archive concerning a man being obnoxious about his own diet, and projecting it onto his coworkers who don’t adhere to the same diet.

  4. Minneapolis Non-Profits*

    I’ve worked with many coworkers on various Keto and other restrictive diets. None have been anything like this — constantly making comments about treats or team lunches. AND our organizations did work to try to accomodate official meals and food as much as possible to team members needs and preferences. I think Collette is being very unreasonable and Alison’s advice is gold.

    1. ferrina*

      Yeah, it’s one thing to have dietary restrictions and it’s reasonable that Collette be provided food that she can eat at work functions. (It’s a little fuzzy if it’s a welcome lunch for a new colleague where the colleague picks the place- is there a list of restaurants that can accommodate the team’s dietary needs that the new colleague can pick from?)

      But it’s something else for Collette to be scrutinizing someone else’s dietary choices.

      1. The Rural Juror*

        I think the line to draw would be a celebratory lunch focused on one person (birthday, retirement, first day, etc) versus a team lunch that isn’t solely focused. Someone picking their favorite restaurant on their first day shouldn’t be met with an onslaught of criticism (but it would be ok to suggest another choice if a LOT of folks couldn’t have lactose and they had picked The Grilled Cheese Emporium).

        1. Spencer Hastings*

          If I were the new hire, I’d want to know this up front, to avoid the awkwardness of “OK, how about Burger World?” “Actually, 40% of the team is vegetarian.”

      2. Beth*

        I think it would be plenty reasonable to tell the new team member “pick 2-3 options, manager will review menus to ensure team dietary needs are included”.

        But from my experience with friends, at least, keto isn’t a hard diet to include! It’s not like accommodating someone with a life-threatening allergy or celiac disease, where risk of cross-contamination can easily make an entire restaurant off-limits. Most restaurants have at least one or two protein-and-veggie-heavy offerings. At the very least, they probably have some offerings that they could modify to make them keto-friendly (e.g. leaving the bun off a burger or subbing out a side of fries for salad).

        1. Alienor*

          It’s true – I remember going to a team dinner at a restaurant a while ago where I, a vegetarian, sat across the table from two keto people, and all three of us were able to find plenty on the menu to accommodate our needs (as were all the other people there, not sure what their needs may have been). As diets go, it doesn’t seem like the toughest to navigate.

      3. Artemesia*

        Keto is not that hard. When we dine with our keto friend, he is usually able to modify the thing he chooses to make it work. He eliminates the carbs if they normally come with the dish and substitutes a salad or cottage cheese; he gets grilled rather than breaded and fried things etc. Most restaurants do meat/veg/carb plates and so removing the carb and maybe adding another protein is doable.

    2. Daisy-dog*

      I would think she could order like: “I’d like this chicken alfredo dish, but without the pasta” in the same way that I’d order it in the reverse as a vegetarian. I’m not super aware of the rules of Keto, but I think most restaurants could accommodate something (even if not ideal) for 1 occasional meal. Now, if it is every time, definitely go the route of ordering in and getting her a separate meal.

    3. NotAnotherManager!*

      We had one vegan that behaved like Colette, and it ended up being another vegan who told them to knock it off before their manager got to them. (I understand that they kind of lost their cool and called the complainer a “walking vegan stereotype” and said they were “making us all look bad”, which I don’t endorse, but it was effective.)

    4. Also-ADHD*

      I think she’s being unreasonable, but it also sounds like the org might not actually work to include her keto diet into meal and snacks offerings in a meaningful way (especially by the “but salad?” type stuff in the question. For me, both sides of Alison’s advice are essential. It’s not really an “excuse” but I do wonder chicken and egg, what came first, Colleen’s diet not being respected/treated as a meaningful restriction or Colleen being boorish about it. Because it’s not really easy for me to be on anyone’s side here—it seems like they don’t really want to bother including other dietary needs that she has.

    5. Smurfette*

      “our organizations did work to try to accomodate official meals and food as much as possible to team members needs and preferences” – that’s really great – and probably the reason why your Ket0-ing coworkers didn’t have anything to complain about.

  5. self hating reluctant keto person*

    Keto is a little different from (at least some) other diets because there’s no “cheating” – if you have one slice of pizza it kind of wrecks you for days. My husband has to do it for medical reasons, and I do it because I want to support him/we live together/I like the weight loss. But it is a total pain in the hole; the only time I found it remotely easy was during lock down.

    I think you should try to ensure that there is something plausible on the menu – I eat a lot of salads, but something like a chicken breast where I can maybe just not have the potatoes can be ok-ish. But I agree with Alison, she can’t just complain all the time because other people are eating nice things. Watching other people eat carbs is unfortunately part of the territory.

    1. Triplestep*

      I concur. Like your husband, I eat a ketogenic diet to control the symptoms of a chronic condition, and it’s just not easy to do in a social setting. Nevermind the fact that you can’t mention “keto” because people’s heads explode. I usually tell people I have dietary restrictions due to a chronic condition but I’ll be fine with any menu that includes good old American style salad.

      Collette is in the wrong here with all the comments and expectations, but it’s not a hardship to ensure there’s always a salad available – lots of people would prefer that to something higher in carbs that would fit into their standard weight loss diet would or standard American diet, but would cause them to have to alter some future meal to make up for it.

      1. hiraeth*

        Likewise. I eat keto, it’s led to a night-and-day change in my wellbeing. No one I work with knows because people get weird about it and expect me to be evangelical. (I’m not. Idgaf what anyone chooses to eat.) I just eat my lunch from home and quietly bypass the cakes people bring in. Eating out is more difficult though. I won’t whisper a word about what anyone else is eating, I just need some leaves and protein on a plate, which I truly don’t think is an excessive ask.

  6. Space Needlepoint*

    Considering how many restaurants have their menus online, it shouldn’t be difficult to make sure Collette has some choices when going out for a team lunch.

    I’m not condoning Collette’s behavior, she definitely needs to dial it back, but a little effort to be inclusive would be nice here.

        1. ferrina*

          +1

          Especially if we are talking about restaurants that throw a quarter of an iceberg lettuce on a plate so they can claim that they are “vegetarian friendly”. It’s terrible food, and it doesn’t provide the sustenance to keep the team member productive for the afternoon (obviously individual results vary, and it’s different if your body is telling you that it wants a salad for lunch). Plus it is absolutely terrible for morale – not just for Collette, but for anyone that sees that behavior.

          1. Alice Simpson*

            I attended a work function at a famous New Orleans restaurant. My colleague was vegetarian and ordered the veggie plate.

            It was a bowl of boiled carrots. It was $27. No, I’m not kidding. She and her husband left and went to subway.

            1. Blue Pen*

              I basically had this same experience at a diner/restaurant in Amish country—it was literally boiled broccoli, cauliflower, and cabbage. I don’t think it cost $27, but all the same, I was ticked off and left.

              I’ve been vegetarian for almost a decade now, and while I do think restaurants are generally getting a little better when it comes to expanding their menu to accommodate other dietary needs, a sad many continue to think that a relegated small garden salad and a side of french fries is acceptable for me when everyone else gets to pick from 500 different, full-plate options. It is not at all acceptable. It’s lazy, and it’s a joke.

              This weekend, my husband and I went to a BBQ restaurant of all places, and while, yes, expectedly, most of the offerings were meat-based, their menu was you pick the meat (a vegetarian BBQ meat loaf for non-meat-eaters) that you can have any way you want (as a sandwich, on top of a salad, as a platter with several vegetarian sides, etc.). So, even though I didn’t get to pick from 8 different kinds of meat preparations, I never felt left out or that I wasn’t getting a full meal out of the deal.

          2. LL*

            Those places are bad for vegetarians, but those places also tend to have lots of meat on the menu, so it wouldn’t be that hard to accommodate a keto diet.

          1. Cinnamon Stick*

            Some restaurants do just phone it in when it comes to salads, though. They might not even bother with protein to make it a meal.

            1. Lurker*

              As a vegetarian, I eat salad without protein for a meal all the time. Not everything needs a hunk of meat on it (or beans/legumes for that matter).

        3. Dahlia*

          Salad and a protein like chicken is absolutely a keto meal. Like that’s kind of… the whole thing.

        5. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

          Entree salads are a thing. A larger salad with a grilled chicken breast on it is both keto and a meal.

          1. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

            If the restaurant had that on the menu, she probably would have gone, though. If it’s a pizza place, e.g., they don’t always have something that could add up to meal for someone low-carb.

            1. Nobby Nobbs*

              Would she? This is a person who complains about the mere existence of foods that might “tempt” her. We can’t just assume that she’d be willing to eat her grilled chicken salad in the presence of breadsticks the way a reasonable person would.

              1. Nobby Nobbs*

                That said, the boss should at least make sure she has the option of meat and lettuce, of course. Unreasonable people still need to eat.

        6. Daisy-dog*

          I agree – it’s not enough to count on just the concept that a salad exists. Some places do terrible salads. Some places do excellent salads. Definitely consider that they may be getting a mound of iceberg with 2 cherry tomatoes and unseasoned chicken.

          That being said, many places have the potential for off-menu accommodations.

        7. Beth*

          It depends on the salad. A plate of lettuce isn’t a meal and won’t sustain anyone through the afternoon. But a plate of lettuce, grilled chicken, tomatoes, cheese, sunflower seeds, etc. can be a delicious and filling meal, and plenty of restaurants do offer that kind of thing.

        8. Artemesia*

          lots of places that have salad also have grilled fish, grilled chicken, shrimp that can be served with salad or on salad — or steak on salad.

        9. LL*

          it CAN be a meal. There are plenty of meal-sized salads. Plus she’s keto, she can get a salad with meat. Also, it’s not that hard to find places that have meat!

        10. Annemoliviacolmuff*

          If you’re going to cut out salad as an option, that’s also cutting out a huge number of restaurant options. A keto diet generally requires quite a few substitutions that aren’t available at the majority of places.

      2. Starbuck*

        True; but as a vegetarian I don’t go to those places either. If the best non-meat option they can do is a salad, bleh. Most places the salad is very basic, boring, and not filling.

        Now, if Collette was like ‘hey, the only thing that works for me on this menu is the salad, could we try X, Y, or Z place instead since those all have options for me’ that would be completely reasonable and no one would have a problem. Collette isn’t being reasonable about a lot of this, but requesting a place that has more than just salads is a very normal ask.

        1. Reebee*

          “Most places”? Really? I’d give anything for a boring garden salad, which I can’t find very easily anymore. My experience is that most salads have nuts, root vegetables, mushrooms, seeds, etc. Very filling.

    2. Aggretsuko*

      I’m inclined to say that Collette should look at the restaurants and make a list of which are acceptable to her and let everyone else know that.

      (This reminds me of having to do something like this for my dad when he rejected every restaurant everyone suggested.)

    3. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      Many restaurants can also accommodate dietary needs if you call ahead.

      Even carb heavy places like Italian usually have some sort of meat based dish and you can ask for alterations.

    4. M2*

      Most places have keto options. I am a vegetarian who is mostly vegan (my choice not health reasons) and I call ahead or look at a menu and most places can accommodate it.

      We have a colleague who has celiac and that is not a choice and she can only go certain places so we let her choose or we order in.

      Most places can accommodate keto even Italian. I have been to Italian as a vegetarian who doesn’t eat much carbs and they grill up vegetables for me, usually have one or two vegan options and plenty of salads. They usually have a seafood or meat dish with pasta but just call ahead or ask them to make it plain with a salad on the side! She can call ahead and ask if they can do keto, most places do, or ask her a list of restaurants and don’t always pick those but pick from those some of the time.

      As an adult you can’t always pick where you want to eat for group meals or lunches and nowadays most places can accommodate (unless say you’re celiac and go to an Italian place).

      1. Yvette*

        Would eggplant Parm be a good option At an Italian restaurant or no because of the breading on the eggplant?

        2. Ellis Bell*

          The breading would probably throw it into non Keto territory, but sometimes you hit the jackpot and they do it without as a matter of course. Thing is, if you’re going to do a low carb diet (or in my case, choose to be allergic to breading!) you’ve got to get comfortable asking for adjustments. Can they make it without the breading? Can they grill up some other veggies ratatouille style, add a bit of chicken and put the parmesan topping on that? Lots of places will, others are not as flexible because they run on assembly line style. I think Collette would get a lot more traction with OP if she said something like “Paolo’s pizzeria aren’t great with flexing their menu options, which are a bit limited; I can bring something along and have a drink with new colleague, but I wanted to flag for others dietary requirements. Oh and if you’re interested, I’ve been keeping a list of the most flexible, helpful places we’ve been to lately.”

    5. Somehow I Manage*

      I’m not sure I agree fully. While a work-planned meal should be as accommodating as possible for as many as possible, I think a situation in which a newcomer gets to pick is something that people don’t need to stress about too much. I have a fairly restrictive diet – not of my own choosing – and will figure something out if someone picks a place that isn’t quite as easy for me. Is it always what I would have chosen? Nope. But it is rather inhospitable for me to dictate the choice when it works well for everyone else in the group.

  7. Turingtested*

    It can be very hard to eat at restaurants while keto. Sugar ends up in the strangest places and not all wait staff knows all the recipes. Could you ask her for a list of restaurants and snacks she can eat?

    I think the commentary sounds obnoxious and might be coloring your perception of her requests.

      1. Elle*

        Or take responsibility for the fact that you’ve chosen an absurdly restrictive diet? Just because diet culture is pervasive doesn’t mean it is reasonable.

        1. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

          I am anti-diet in the sense of weight loss diet, but I did a more Paleo type diet (started as a thing to get rid of a chronic y-infection) and quickly found that my nasal passages cleared up, I was less achy and more alert, and a bunch of other things. I think you’ll find that a lot of people who do paleo do it for health reasons, not weight-loss reasons. I did actually lose 20 pounds on it but that just reinforced my theory that the causation between weight and health is the reverse of what people think.

          1. judyjudyjudy*

            In my experience, most of the Paleo people I know did it for weight loss, and as a fun bonus love to tell everyone all about it.

        2. Also-ADHD*

          To be fair, many people do keto for health reasons (or a spouse’s health reasons) or wellbeing etc, not vanity. Where is the line? I think Alison is right we need to respect dietary choices the same as other restrictions (religious, allergy except not necessarily worrying the same way about cross contamination etc). That doesn’t excuse any attitude or comments Colleen makes, but coworkers don’t really know what diets are health related in various ways. I’ve known people on diets for health reasons that don’t get into the background or wouldn’t bring you a doctor’s note.

    2. Jennifer Strange*

      Agreed. I suspect if Collette’s wasn’t being such a jerk about her diet outside of where team lunches are held (a reasonable thing for her to push for!) the LW and their team would be more likely to accommodate her on the things that actually affect her. It’s always easier to treat nice people nicely, but in this case they should work to make sure she’s able to join in team lunches (at least the ones where the new person isn’t picking the restaurant).

      1. ferrina*

        Yeah, it seems like LW is BE(Keto)C with Collette.

        The restaurant issue and Collette’s comments are two separate issues.

      2. Observer*

        I suspect if Collette’s wasn’t being such a jerk about her diet outside of where team lunches are held (a reasonable thing for her to push for!) the LW and their team would be more likely to accommodate her on the things that actually affect her.

        I think that this is true. In fact the LW does mention how wearing the constant stream of commentary is.

      3. Festively Dressed Earl*

        I thought the same thing and initially thought Alison was giving Collette too much grace. Then the commenters here reminded me that some people do keto for medical reasons and I regretted being so mentally mean. But Collette is still a pill and needs some clear lines drawn.

    3. Ms. Eleanous*

      Collette is P.I.T.A.

      Sometimes I wish I could hire myself out as the DB (designated bi t c h) for workplaces.

      Collette, you are allowed to make 2 food complaints PER MONTH, and then you are done.

      I have also been known to make BINGO cards with annoying employee habits on them.
      Ferdinand talked baseball over 10 minutes
      Collette wined about the food
      Debbie warned us bad weather was coming.
      Esmerelda had to be muted.

      When you get a bingo square, you can let your friends know.

    4. Lightbourne Elite*

      She can make a list of places and snacks she can eat all she wants but she can’t expect to be accommodated every single time. If I’m baking a treat for most people in the office I’m not making sure it’s GF AND Keto AND vegan AND dairy free, etcetc. The new person should be able to choose where they want to eat without worrying about Collette, too.

  8. CommanderBanana*

    I mean…this isn’t really accommodation, though, is it? Including keto-friendly options in catered food or team restaurant outings would be accommodation. Enduring constant criticism of your food or the snacks people bring it because it doesn’t align with her diet is not an accommodation.

  9. Distracted Procrastinator*

    As always great advice from Alison. I have a restricted diet by choice. It’s my responsibility to handle it and not flip out when someone brings in doughnuts or makes a group lunch reservation for Italian.

    Colette needs to dial it back and let everyone eat the way they want to eat. She needs to respect everyone else’s food choices as much as she wants hers respected.

    A good conversation between Colette and the manager can help a lot here. Put down guidelines for how she responds to food in the office (shouldn’t be necessary, but here we are.) And talk about what she needs to feel comfortable with meeting food and group lunches. There should be something for her at nearly every restaurant. She just needs to sit down and really look instead of having a knee jerk freak out. For meeting snacks, mixed nuts or cheese are good keto friendly options.

    1. I AM a Lawyer*

      “Colette needs to dial it back and let everyone eat the way they want to eat. She needs to respect everyone else’s food choices as much as she wants hers respected.”

      This is exactly it. I think she doesn’t realize the double standard she has.

    2. londonedit*

      Yep, absolutely. My sister can’t eat gluten or dairy for medical reasons, and while she’d of course say something if someone booked an Italian restaurant without checking it would suit everyone, if it genuinely came to the point where an Italian restaurant was the only place they could all go, she’d deal with it. There’s always *something* on the menu, even if it isn’t ideal, and then you eat a cereal bar after lunch or you have a bigger dinner when you get home, or whatever. You don’t keep banging on about how there’s nothing you can eat and it’s all disgusting etc etc etc.

  10. Dust Bunny*

    If the lunch or snacks are company-provided, then there should be an option, except for new-employee or birthday or whatever lunches where the honoree chooses. (There are a couple of exceptions I’d make here, such as asking people not to choose a Thai restaurant if someone had peanut allergies since I imagine it would be hard to avoid cross-contamination.)

    If it’s just people bringing cookies in, unofficially, of their own volition, then, no.

    (My workplace provides lunch like twice a year. We get a list of maybe a half-dozen options from whatever restaurant management has chosen, and they cover the usual dietary vagaries.)

  11. Baela Targaryen*

    I coordinate lunches — religion // health I am happy to accommodate. Diet? You’re on your own.

    1. dude, who moved my cheese?*

      Why do you feel this way? Like if I was vegetarian but not for religious or medical reasons, you wouldn’t take that into account?

      Sure, Colette is being a jerk, but that is separate from her ability to eat something at a company-provided lunch.

      1. Mid*

        Vegetarian does become a health thing though, because many long term veg people will get sick if they eat meat. But, vegetarians don’t get to demand everyone else only has vegetarian snacks around them. Pretty much every single restaurant can make a vegetarian option (and a Keto option).

      2. Baela Targaryen*

        Let me rephrase — health, religious, or ethical reasons? Yes I can accommodate.

        Your particular flavor of weight loss needs to be accommodated, and the healthy options I always provide aren’t the RIGHT kind of healthy? Go away, I have too many people to support to get *that* down in the reeds with one person’s personal choices.

      3. Lightbourne Elite*

        These aren’t all company provided, right? Collette is also expecting people to accommodate her when they go out to lunch on a whim or bring in treats to the office.

    2. It’s A Butternut Squash*

      As someone who also coordinated food as part of my job and knows how complicated it can get, this is a crappy attitude. A lot of people are on specific diets for their health and it’s not your business to try to figure out who those people are and whether they deserve accommodations.

    4. Daydreamer*

      Where do you draw the line between “diet” and “health”? Many people are on specific diets because they believe it’s better for their health, even if it’s not to the level of, “I will become violently ill if I eat this.” You don’t always know why a person is on a diet, and they shouldn’t have to disclose personal medical information to prove that their diet is necessary, by your standards.

      1. Baela Targaryen*

        For me — ethical, religious, and health (as in– this is a necessity, not a choice) are all easy to accommodate.

        Particular diets based around weight loss? I support too many people to get food for that one person when I’ve already (as I always do) provided at least two healthy options. One of which is always vegan. At that point you’re just being a pain and need to handle your own food.

        1. Zelda*

          What on earth does it matter *why* a person needs what they need? Their personal motivations don’t change any restaurant’s menu one way or another, and selecting a [diet]-friendly option is exactly the same number of phone calls regardless of what’s in their heart.

          Ask the person with restrictions to identify options so you don’t have to do so much work, sure, regardless of their motivations; heck, they’re the expert on their own needs. But set yourself up as the judge and jury of what’s a “good enough” reason? Don’t go there. This is why people with sensory issues, aversions, intolerances, religious restrictions, etc., lie and say they’re allergic, because they’ve had too many people decide that their reasons weren’t “worthy.”

          1. Baela Targaryen*

            I’d prefer they be smart enough to lie about it and call it an allergy, then. As I said a couple times — there comes a point where it’s a waste of my time to get that into the reeds with someone. And I stand by that statement.

            2. NotAnotherManager!*

              You are not entitled to people’s medical information. If your “system” requires people to lie, the issue is with your system, not them. Might be best if you hand this task off to someone who isn’t so keen to judge who’s worth of their consideration and who’s not.

            3. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

              Been there, done that, still reacted. Then we get the food police trying to use heuristics to figure out which allergies are real and which allergies are “real.”

        2. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

          This is weird because I have trouble finding doctors who don’t think that weight and health are exactly the same thing.

        3. Apex Mountain*

          The part that seems confusing and out of touch is how do you know someone’s diet is based around weight loss (what’s wrong with that anyway?) rather than any of those other things (esp. health)?

          Seems like you’re taking a stand for no real reason

      2. Bleu*

        This whole conversation is inherently muddled because “diet” means both “the window of foods you do or don’t eat” and “a concentrated effort to specifically lose weight via calorie reduction and restrictions”. So people just end up taking past each other.

    5. Lady Danbury*

      Not only is this a bad attitude to have, it’s impossible to draw the line between diet and health without being overly intrusive into someone’s personal medical information because diet often has health implications.

      1. Baela Targaryen*

        It’s actually a practical attitude, but thanks!

        It’d be a waste of my time to do additional work to accommodate someone’s specific flavor of weight loss//diet that is due to choice, not need. If they can’t find anything to eat even after those with health issues (as in need, not choice) AND religious or ethical concerns have been accommodated, AND the healthy options sans dairy, gluten, and meat that I am always sure to provide don’t work for them… no longer my problem. I have too many people to support to care about one fussy person whining in the weeds.

        3. Jackalope*

          Saying that you have limited time and resources to figure this out is understandable, although I still think that letting people with dietary issues figure out what they need and then going for that (especially if there are easy tweaks that can make things work) is better. But calling them “a pain”, or “fussy… whining in the weeds” is super judgmental and not cool for someone whose responsibility is making sure everyone gets to eat.

    6. MissMeghan*

      I’m a vegetarian for ethical reasons. It’s a core part of my beliefs, but not dictated by a specific religion. I find it frustrating when that’s dismissed as “choice”.

      1. Baela Targaryen*

        As you could have seen above, I clarified that I would accommodate vegetarian/ethically based diets. Just a few comments above this one!

      2. londonedit*

        I’ve been vegetarian for over 30 years, simply because I don’t like the taste or texture of meat. Never have. It has the added side benefit of being better for the environment, etc, but that’s not really why I don’t eat meat. Wonder what the commenter above would do with me – do I have to suck it up and sit there with a plate of chips at a steak restaurant, because not eating meat isn’t a health/religious/ethical issue for me?

    7. Ellis Bell*

      I’ve been to a bunch of well planned social events lately were friends asked us for restrictions (chosen or otherwise) so they could let the restaurant know in advance. It was heartbreaking to see how many people on the chat described themselves as “picky eaters” and asked if they could have plainer versions of things on the menu. Like, people had made them feel that eating what they wanted to eat was some sort of huge inconvenience.

      1. Andrew*

        thank you for saying that about us that are constantly labeled “picky eaters”. Thank God that now most restaurants have their menus online – for a work related lunch I can look it over ahead of time and figure out what I’m going to order – I have to choose something that I won’t have to ask the server to make in a special way so as to not draw attention to myself because drawing attention to myself (even if it’s just a salad w/o dressing) invites comments. Before a menu online was an option, I have been known to go to the restaurant ahead of time and look over their menu. I’ve lived with those comments from other people about how bland and boring I eat… and at 60, it’s very tiresome to have to go through.

    8. Beth*

      This sounds like a tricky line to draw. How do you know who needs a gluten-free diet because they’re celiac and who needs it because they think it’ll lead to weight loss? How do you draw the line between someone who’s avoiding meat because they’re vegetarian vs because they’re avoiding saturated fats?

      I’ve been the one coordinating–I know how tricky it can be, and how frustrating it gets when people have a million different nitpicky requirements that don’t work well together. But I never found a way to draw a line on what I would vs wouldn’t accommodate. I just did my best to fit everything, and if I really couldn’t make it work, we ordered in from a mix of 2+ places.

    9. Salty Caramel*

      So you require people to tell you why they have a certain diet? It’s not really any of your business why.

    10. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Wow, I really disagree. People are entitled to control how they supply their bodies with nutrition. Offices that choose to feed people should assume that there will be a wide diversity of dietary needs they’ll have to meet in doing that.

    11. NotAnotherManager!*

      My HR department would prefer that individual employees not put themselves in charge of deciding which dietary requests are worth of accommodation and which ones aren’t (and, more importantly, their making judgment calls on which are being requested for what is deemed to be an “acceptable” reason).

      No one should have to disclose their health information or religious practice (or lack thereof) to you for your assessment to “justify” getting food they can eat.

    12. Devil's Advocate*

      The way I read Baela’s responses, it sounds like they provide some sort of buffet style accommodations. So if they already have the usual religious/health/ethical diets addressed with several options, those with voluntary restrictions don’t have to disclose that they’re voluntary so long as they’re finding acceptable options amongst those provided. And it sounds like they are equating vegan with one of the more restrictive diets practiced, therefore likely to be acceptable for many of those whose diets have less common restrictions.
      For what it’s worth, I’ve found that a high percent of the people in my life with a voluntary restrictive diet self disclose long before anyone needs to know. So I kind of doubt Baela is requiring that people disclose or legitimize the basis for their restriction.

    13. Zee*

      I do event planning as part of my job. If someone asks for a lettuce wrap instead of bread for their sandwich, I don’t ask if they have celiac or if they’re going low-carb to lose weight. I just get them the lettuce wrap. It’s not that hard to be decent to people.

  12. Exhausted Trope*

    I’m currently eating Keto and have been for only 3 weeks. I’m a newbie but can always find something at restaurants to accommodate my diet. Collette had been at it for a year?!! Perhaps she needs some online resources to help? But making scenes over this? And refusing to join team lunches? Seems a bit of an extreme.

    1. TPS Reporter*

      I’ve been on a few different more extreme diets and I find pre-eating to be helpful. I.e. I would have a protein shake packed with things I could eat before going out, then while I’m out a salad is enough food. but yes I agree she’s got to come up with strategies

    2. Paint N Drip*

      I think that Collette’s issues are not ‘cannot find anything to eat’ and more ‘I have a bad attitude in general’ (personally the low-carb life gave me a serious attitude problem lol so maybe that’s literally the extent of it!)
      Collette is making an ass of herself and negatively influencing the general opinions about people who have food preferences/allergies/limitations which grinds my gears!

  13. Kesnit*

    Although I understand where OP is coming from, I have some level of sympathy for Colette.

    I have T2 diabetes that I control with diet and exercise. That means I do need to be careful about what I eat. I have some flexibility in what I eat because I do endurance sports, so will burn off carbs. But I would be rather upset if my office announced they were going to Olive Garden, “but it’s OK because Kesnit can get a salad.” (Believe me, a salad does not compare to chicken alfredo!)

    1. Charlotte Lucas*

      Eh… I’ve gone to lunch places where salad was all I could get, and, yes, it’s not a filling meal, but if the celebration is for someone else (new coworker in this case), I’d go with the flow. If they went somewhere that I couldn’t get anything else every time, then I would be hurt

      And a good Italian restaurant should have non-,carb heavy options.

      And Colette needs to stop sucking other people’s yum.

      1. ferrina*

        I think it makes a difference how often this happens. If you have mediocre salad at one out of a dozen meals provided, I’d say Collette should let it go. But if the default is that Collette has to eat salad and everyone else gets a real meal, that’s an issue.

        1. Charlotte Lucas*

          I agree! And it depends on how many of these lunches there are, and whether everyone is expected to join. She could bow out gracefully if she wants a more substantive lunch that day.

              1. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

                I’ve known people who default to abrasive because pleasant gets trampled over–the question is not as moot as your dismissal would assume.

      2. Lily Rowan*

        Even at the Olive Garden, I’m looking at the menu now and there are several grilled proteins you could get without pasta.

      3. Blue Pen*

        In general, I agree, and if it’s not a big deal to go with the flow every once in a while, then more power to you. But as a vegetarian who works with other vegetarians, vegans, gluten-free followers, etc., change doesn’t come unless you push for it. It’s not OK for you to always be the one to grin and bare it while everyone else gets to enjoy a full meal and feel sated and part of the team.

    2. Observer*

      I would agree with you, except for one thing.

      Yes, they should definitely try to make sure that there are real options for Collette – and salad is not necessarily a decent option. So that’s reasonable.

      The main reason I don’t have much sympathy for her is because she sounds like she it being thoroughly unpleasant about day to day food choices that others make. In that context her comments about the eateries blend into all of the obnoxiousness on display and people are not paying attention.

      Now ff *Collette* were writing in, I would tell her that she needs to knock off the negative comments and complaints about people “tempting” her. And once she does that, she should check the restaurant menu *first* and then, if it really can’t accommodation her, tell whoever is making the decisions. Tell them that you checked already etc. But as it is, I really don’t have much sympathy for her. But, agreed that the LW still needs to be accommodating, and not make assumptions when dealing with office meals.

        1. Observer*

          Yeah. But it depends on the salad, and you also need to have the protein. So saying “But salad?” is not really an answer. You need to make sure that it’s not some iceberg lettuce with some bottled (high sugar) dressing on it.

    3. Project Manager*

      I agree with you on the Olive Garden/salad part…I’m gluten free and I can’t tell you how many salads I’ve eaten when previous companies ordered in pizza. Or my favorite is the conference where the dessert was white chocolate cheesecake and they gave me…a fruit cup. I’m sorry, but when everyone else is eating pizza and cheesecake, and I repeatedly get veggies and fruit (I’m not allergic to protein, fats, rice, sugar you know!) it can be very deflating.

      I’ve also done keto extensively for health reasons in the past and brought my own food everywhere. I on 1 or 2 occasions even brought some food to supplement something I might order at a restaurant and was always very nice about it and did my best to never make a big deal out of it…so I would eyeroll at Colette’s constant comments too.

      1. CommanderBanana*

        As an event planner, the “oh, we’ll have a fruit plate for dessert for the gluten-free folks!” is a hard no for me. If the best your chef can come up with for a gluten-free dessert is a plate of cut fruit, that’s not a good sign.

        1. Mid*

          Especially since cheesecake is so easily made gluten-free! The main part of the cake has no flour! Just make the crust GF (or do crust-less !) and you’re golden!

          1. Georgia Carolyn Mason*

            I started making crustless or nut-crust cheesecakes for Passover, but they work for GF too. (Check the other ingredients for sure…and of course make sure no one has a nut allergy.) Also flourless chocolate cake, which is good for Seder and also no gluten, depending on the recipe.

          2. kalli*

            I went to a faculty dinner and was the only dairy-free person there, and they still managed to give me a very dairy cheesecake for dessert. They had a fruit cup and the waitstaff were going around the tables ‘did you want the fruit cup instead’ and someone took it even though my entire table were waving them down trying to point me out because I hadn’t been able to have the main either.

            I ignored all the invitations after that, but it doesn’t matter how easy a substitution is if the person doesn’t even get it.

            1. CommanderBanana*

              It drives me absolutely crazy when the event staff don’t do what we’ve asked and make sure the correct people have gotten the correct dishes. If we have 900 attendees for a sit-down lunch and have 20 vegetarian dishes, do not f***ing offer them to everyone like you’re a waiter, because I can guarantee you that everyone will immediately decide that they need the *~special~* dish and the actual vegetarians will have nothing to eat. Use whatever system we’ve told you to use to identify alternate meals.

              I’ve started getting extremely aggressive about this in pre-con meetings because I am so tired of the banquet directors going ok, ok, sure, and then not communicating it to their banquet captains, or if they do, the captains don’t tell the servers. Usually I have mayyyyyybe 5 event staff for a 3K conference, my staff cannot be babysitting every banquet function to make sure the servers are doing what we’ve asked them to do.

            2. Blue Pen*

              Oh my gosh, this drives me insane. Especially when I’m at work engagements that *do* make dietary restriction options available, but because they’ve only made a small amount, they’re almost always the first to go. So, if they’ve only made five of one vegetarian sandwich option, and those who are omnivore snatch them up before I can get to it, then I don’t get to eat.

              And IDK what the solution is to that because I’m not at all mad at people eating vegetarian food—that’s a good thing! But there’s a big difference between me who doesn’t eat meat, period, and Todd in finance who just happens to prefer a hummus sandwich today over the turkey option. Todd can still eat both at the event, while I can’t.

              1. Akrasia*

                I would love to know what it is that makes people gravitate to the “special” food when they don’t need it (and likely would not have ordered it if given the choice between that food and the lovely mainstream meal). Is it main character syndrome? A very specific kind of FOMO?

                1. Blue Pen*

                  I know! I think part of the issue is that vegetarian/vegan options and even G-F sometimes are seen as healthier and lower-calorie than meat options (rightly or wrongly), so those who are following that kind of diet might pick them up instead. Which, again, I’m not mad at people choosing vegetarian food and I’m not at all trying to police people’s food choices, but if those options are gone before I get there, I don’t get to eat.

                2. LL*

                  Ime, it’s because nobody ever tells you what the vegetarian option is in advance. I’m not vegetarian, but I don’t like eating huge chunks of meat and sometimes, at things like weddings, I might prefer the vegetarian option, but it depends what it is.

              2. londonedit*

                In my experience, the best solution to this is to have the people with dietary requirements go up and make their food choices first. I’ve been to so many barbecues and buffets where the meat-eaters made their way through the food offering taking bits and pieces of the veggie options as extra side dishes, meaning there wasn’t enough for the actual veggies and vegans to have as their main meal. The best events have been those where the veggies/vegans are called up to the buffet or the barbecue first, they have their pick of the veggie options, and then everyone else goes up – and if there’s veggie stuff left over, they can have some if they want.

            3. Zee*

              Oof. When I was a vegetarian, I was working at a big fundraising event. People were assigned to tables but not seats, and the meals were set out on the tables before the program started (so the caterers would know “table 1 has 9 chicken and 1 vegetarian meals” and just put them in random spots on the table). Someone ate my meal without realizing it was different. Because I was working the event, I didn’t get to sit down and eat until after everyone else had so there wasn’t a chance for me to be like “hey does anyone have a veggie meal in front of them” when everyone started eating. (I’m used to not getting to eat at events when working, but it was a bummer to know that I specifically had a meal set aside for me that I didn’t get to eat.)

        2. Charlotte Lucas*

          I have someone with celiac disease on my Christmas cookie list. My hard and fast rule is that none of his cookies/treats are “lesser” versions of everyone else’s. They are delicious treats that happen to be gluten free. It can be done!

          1. Festively Dressed Earl*

            Twinsies! I love to cook, and it’s a fun challenge for me to find legitimately delicious recipes that happen to accommodate food restrictions. (My favorite is the dairy-free egg-free vanilla cupcakes of addictiveness.) Hopefully someone remembers to start an accommodation friendly recipe thread in the weekend comments, please oh please?

            1. Rain, Disappointing Australian (formerly Lucien Nova)*

              I’d be interested to pop into that thread – I have two go-to recipes (almond flour cookies with GF choccy chips, flourless peanut butter cookies) that always go over well with gluten-free folks, I’d be happy to share!

          2. Insufficient Sausage Explainer*

            That’s what my aunt does with my uncle’s food now that he has to have a gf and high protein diet for his health after being quite literally at death’s door last year. It can be done, and certainly should be by professional caterers.

    4. M2*

      Diabetes in my opinion is different than Keto. Same with celiac. I’m a vegetarian but it’s my choice and imo I do it for health reasons for me. Do I expect everyone to only go to vegetarian or vegan restaurants? No! Do I check or call ahead to make sure there is something I can eat? Yes! And if you call ahead they can sometimes come up with something more substantive.

      Same thing I said earlier, colleague has celiac, so because of that we only eat or order them food from where it is safe for them most of the time, but when we have a new colleague or someone is leaving they choose where to go for a meal.

      My in laws have type 2 diabetes and they eat salad with fish or chicken all over the place. That is basically what they eat and can find it almost anywhere.

      1. Paint N Drip*

        But should Collette have to out herself as diabetic at work (or pre-diabetic, or epileptic, or have PCOS, or anything else that would make her diet “more real”) for her diet to be accepted at work? I think she’s being a horse’s ass ABOUT her diet being accommodated, but her diet MAY be a medical choice and frankly I don’t think we need to know.

        I have some food allergies, and I also have some food aversions – personally I don’t think it matters the exact details about why I can’t eat the egg salad sandwiches at the luncheon, I need an alternate lunch (real accommodation). It also doesn’t matter what impact eggs have on me, I’m not going to be lose my mind about other people eating eggs and demand that everyone eat lunch that I prefer (Collette’s preferred accommodation, it seems)

        1. CommanderBanana*

          No, she shouldn’t, but she’s shooting herself in the foot with her behavior here. Your right to whatever diet you want to be on stops where policing my food begins. If she wasn’t being such a horse’s behind about what other people choose to eat it probably wouldn’t ever have become such a big issue.

    5. CommanderBanana*

      I don’t like big chain restaurants, but they’re often the better option for dietary restrictions / accommodations / asking for dishes to be customized. Silver Diner and Cheesecake Factory are great about ingredient transparency even though I’d never be excited about eating there. And they’re not going to have the owner march up to your table yelling that your coworker needs to sign a waiver before they’ll let him order (true story, that happened to me at a small restaurant in NYC) because he told the waiter he couldn’t do soy, gluten or dairy.

      I don’t eat meat, and every once in a while I end up at a barbecue restaurant where I can’t eat most things on the menu, but as long as it’s not happening every time, it’s not that big of a deal. If the monthly team lunch was always at Big Bob’s Burger and Pork Shack, then we’d have a problem.

    6. Silver Robin*

      I am confused…you would not be ordering the chicken Alfredo anyway, correct? So what does it matter that your coworkers can as long as the options available to you are good? I get it if the salads are subpar and insufficient, meaning you do not get a substantive meal while your coworkers do, but there are plenty of hearty salads in restaurants. I honestly expect Olive Garden to be one of them, though I have not eaten there, so certainly open to correction.

      If Colette can find something that works for her at the restaurant then that is all that ultimately matters; especially with something as restrictive as Keto.

      I mean, I keep kosher and there are exceedingly few restaurants that are kosher certified. I cannot think of one withing walking distance of my work. So I handle that by accepting availability of kosher style food, otherwise my organization would literally be unable to feed me or include me in anything. Thems the breaks with a restrictive diet: either Colette accepts limited options at available restaurants or she flexes to make more options feasible for her.

      And she certainly needs to stop the commentary

      1. CommanderBanana*

        Yeah, I Googled Olive Garden + keto and found a bunch of websites highlighting the keto-friendly options or customizations you can make to make it keto-friendly and there were a lot.

        1. Kesnit*

          Olive Garden was just the first Italian restaurant I thought of. I know that a lot of pasta places do have a keto-friendly menu. (I jumped for joy the day I found out Noodle & Co has zucchini noodles and gluten-free pasta.)

      2. Orv*

        I feel like Colette is trying to avoid places that will tempt her with foods she shouldn’t eat on her diet, not that she can’t find anything at all at the suggested restaurants.

        1. CommanderBanana*

          Yeah, which…..that’s just not really possible, is it? Kind of defeats the purpose of restaurants. I could see this being an accommodation if she were diagnosed with an eating disorder and needed to avoid triggers.

        2. MassMatt*

          You may be right, but this is where it stops being an accommodation issue and starts being a “Collette is being a PITA” issue.

          1. hiraeth*

            Yeah, agreed. You cannot choose keto and complain that the world is full of carbs. Of course it is! They’re cheap and people like eating them, win-win. The temptation is constant and finding quick/convenient food out and about is a pain, but that comes with the territory. Complaining about specific people eating specific things in front of her is not going to help Collette in the slightest. She’s either on board with this difficult diet or she’s not.

        3. Cinnamon Stick*

          and that is asking too much. When you’re following a specific diet, you need to learn to manage your own temptations–and she’s been at it a year!

        4. Observer*

          I feel like Colette is trying to avoid places that will tempt her with foods she shouldn’t eat on her diet, not that she can’t find anything at all at the suggested restaurants.

          Possible. But that is unreasonable. Making sure that they have something decent? Definitely reasonable. Making sure that nothing “tempts” her? Totally not.

      3. Kesnit*

        I was addressing the comment in the OP that Collette can eat salad at the pasta place. Sometimes salads are a work of art. Sometimes they are…not. Last time I went to Olive Garden (which, granted, was several years ago), the salad was fine, but not a full meal.

        I’m sure Olive Garden (given that it is a massive chain) has low-carb options. So maybe that was not the best example.

        1. Artemesia*

          most places can do salad with steak or grilled chicken or shrimp. It is truly a bog standard option for those avoiding carbs for whatever reason. Gluten free is hard because a miss is so dangerous, but low carb is not hard to cobble together.

    7. Bast*

      Diabetes is not a choice. Keto is.

      Colette is obnoxious and acting as office food police, which is likely why it is harder to work with her. I agree that these are two separate issues, but you get more flies with honey than vinegar, and Colette has been nothing but vinegar.

      That being said, I also think it’s impossible to please everyone. There is always someone that is going to be unhappy with the choice provided, and at that rate, where do you draw the line between choosing and “we just won’t do company meals anymore.” I may not always be thrilled with the choice, but I’d either take it for the free meal it is or elect not to go.

      1. Lisa*

        Point of order: Keto is *usually* a choice, but it was originally developed as a treatment for seizures and is also used to treat metabolic syndrome, so it *can* be for a real health issue.

        (I’m going to assume that Colette is in the choice category, of course, because of being obnoxious about what other people are eating, not just strict about what she is eating.)

    8. doreen*

      But would you be upset (not disappointed, upset) if they were thinking “Kesnit can have the grilled chicken or the grilled salmon or the chicken parm or marsala at the Italian restaurant, and just skip or substitute something else if the entree comes with pasta?”

      I have to assume that the Italian restaurant in the letter is actually Olive Garden or some similar chain because most Italian restaurants I’ve been to do not serve pasta as part of the meal – it’s a separate order. But even Olive Garden has a couple of meals served with a side of broccoli, not pasta. Which makes me kind of wonder how much of this issue is Colette’s no carb diet and how much is she doesn’t like the no-carb options at the restaurant. And I think there’s a difference between “everything at the restaurant has carbs so there’s nothing I can eat” and “there are multiple no-carb options but I don’t like any of them”

      1. amoeba*

        Hah, yup, I just came back from Italy and was like… why is there pasta with the protein dishes? The secondi should basically just be meat and maybe some veggies? “Real” Italian restaurants should actually be pretty well suited for a keto diet, I guess, just skip the pasta course!

    9. Ellis Bell*

      I get what you’re saying because my heart sinks when I hear “you can have salad!” or “fruit for desert?” and my favourite, at a spa, without even offering me a menu “you’re having soup because that’s the only gluten free option!” People who say these things never offer you a good, dressed filling salad – It’s the precursor to two pieces of undressed Iceberg. However, how much leg work has Collette done here? If she’s providing loads of restaurant names and asking the chef to make her something slightly different to the menu and still only getting the dredging of the salad drawer she has a point, otherwise no.

    10. Daisy-dog*

      Italian can be a wide range. Some places have a broad menu including entrees that are a substantial portion of well-prepared beef/chicken/salmon with veggies. (Not sure if the seasoning/sauce would be Keto-friendly though.) Some are more hole-in-the-wall and offer pizza slices and basic pasta dishes. They might have an antipasto salad though which I’d assume would fit and could be filling, but again not sure about the dressing. Chain places may hit some of these features, but maybe not.

    11. Ms. Eleanous*

      Kesnit sometimes you can get an italian restaurant to put that wonderful sauce over a chicken breast. or veggies – instead of on pasta.

  14. Czech Mate*

    “If I go on a diet, I don’t make other people feel bad about what they consume or inconvenience them because of my choice. Dieting is personal decision and I understand that going on one means will have to deal with repercussions in different areas of my life, including work.”

    I do like that Alison pushed back on this by pointing out that many dietary restrictions are a personal choice, on some level. I became a vegetarian about 18 months ago and group eating has been the hardest part–not *finding* something to eat, per se, but fighting the perception that I want special treatment or that I am out to inconvenience everyone else (and therefore need to just “deal with the repercussions”). This person’s behavior is definitely bad, so I agree that it’s important to separate the food intake (which you should try to accommodate to the best of your ability) from the food comments (which infringe on everyone else’s rights to eat what THEY want).

    1. londonedit*

      Yeah…I’ve been veggie forever, and things now are SO much better than they used to be. I get the sense it’s maybe not the case in all areas of the US, but certainly here in the UK any pub menu will have at least one veggie/vegan option. And yet when I go out with friends, it’s always ‘Ooooh, will you be OK eating here? Can you find something to eat??’ And I’m like…literally the only thing I don’t eat is meat. Any vegetarian option is fine for me, and there are usually plenty of those. I’m WAY less ‘picky’ than most of my meat-eating friends – maybe precisely because I’ve spent 30 years only having one or two options on a menu? So I’m there going right, I’ll have the veggie burger because it sounds nicer than the butternut and quinoa salad and it comes with chips. Meanwhile everyone else is going ‘Oh, well, I don’t like mushrooms, and I don’t fancy lamb, and I don’t want blue cheese with the burger, and I don’t know whether to have fish and chips or chicken Caesar salad…’

  15. Llama face!*

    I think Alison identified the key here: Colette constantly annoying her coworkers about their food choices is one thing. Colette being able to participate in team lunches is another. The obnoxious behaviour of the first one needs to be shut down but the second is a legitimate complaint. I do wonder if Colette would naturally dial back on the first behaviour if her manager clearly and proactively communicates their willingness to make sure she is included wrt group lunch options (ie. if her behaviour is a response to feeling left out).

  16. RedinSC*

    Keto is a really difficult diet. I think a lot of times salads don’t cut it. BUT thinking about Italian places I’ve been at, you can usually get a chicken breast with a cream sauce, which would probably be keto friendly.

    I think it does come down to people don’t like Collette too much, she’s crying wolf too much, so they’re just tuning her out. Make it easier on her when you go out to lunch, and shut down her wining about the banana bread in the break room.

  17. e271828*

    Most sit-down restaurants these days are capable of producing a salad (no dressing) with a protein on top. Call ahead to be sure.

    Colette’s problem is that keto is fundamentally a highly restrictive diet and the team’s problem is that she is taking her resentment out on everyone else. She isn’t allowed to control everyone else’s choices. If she doesn’t like the cheese cubes and nuts on the snack platters, that’s on her.

  18. Silver Robin*

    I am confused…you would not be ordering the chicken Alfredo anyway, correct? So what does it matter that your coworkers can as long as the options available to you are good? I get it if the salads are subpar and insufficient, meaning you do not get a substantive meal while your coworkers do, but there are plenty of hearty salads in restaurants. I honestly expect Olive Garden to be one of them, though I have not eaten there, so certainly open to correction.

    If Colette can find something that works for her at the restaurant then that is all that ultimately matters; especially with something as restrictive as Keto.

    I mean, I keep kosher and there are exceedingly few restaurants that are kosher certified. I cannot think of one withing walking distance of my work. So I handle that by accepting availability of kosher style food, otherwise my organization would literally be unable to feed me or include me in anything. Thems the breaks with a restrictive diet: either Colette accepts limited options at available restaurants or she flexes to make more options feasible for her.

    And she certainly needs to stop the commentary.

  19. Turnipnator*

    It seems like it’s not the case here (and post Atkins it more often isn’t) but a ketogenic diet started as a medical diet to help control seizures (specifically in children). It is still prescribed for that purpose, generally for kids for whom medication hasn’t been effective, but is sometimes used alongside drugs, and can be effective for adults as well (it’s just harder to follow when you are responsible for your own food choices). When it’s medically prescribed it’s usually much more restrictive (like: weighing all food intake restrictive).

    1. Mid*

      Even if it was medically prescribed, you don’t get to be obnoxious to everyone about it by constantly commenting on other people’s food choices.

      1. Nonanon*

        Bingo: I once had two coworkers who were gluten-free; one because they didn’t like that they felt bloated after eating gluten, and one who had Celiac. Didn’t matter the reason, neither of them had the donuts in the breakroom unless we specifically went to the gluten-free place to make sure everyone could have them. They also didn’t MAKE US go to the gluten-free place JUST so they could have breakroom snacks OR were jerks if we brought in something with gluten, they just didn’t have whatever we brought in.

    2. ferrina*

      I had a coworker that had an odd self-prescribed diet. She had a slew of health issues, and some of the issues would flare up if she had certain foods. Her conditions were under-researched by the medical community, so she just started doing an exclusion diet to try to manage her symptoms.

      Most doctors wouldn’t have described it as a medical necessity (i.e., it wasn’t an allergy or intolerance), but it had a profound impact on her health.

      Personally, I don’t like getting into the argument of “but this diet is voluntary!” The point of feeding people is to feed people, not judge them (even if that person is a jerk who judges other people- that issue needs to be addressed independent of the food accommodations). Make sure the team members each have food that they can eat that doesn’t make them feel like an afterthought.
      *does not apply to food that people bring from home- if it’s an individual bringing in the food and not the company, you don’t get to complain if you don’t like their food or if it doesn’t match your food restrictions (though if it’s the manager, they need to make sure they aren’t excluding a team member)(obvious exception if you can have a reaction even if you don’t eat the food)
      **also, Collette definitely needs to be spoken to about her comments about other people’s food. No one is allowed to judge anyone’s food choices at work, and that includes her.

      1. londonedit*

        I really think the ‘but it’s a CHOICE’ argument is bizarre. Where do people draw the line? And what do they want to do with that? Force vegetarians to sit there at lunch with nothing to eat, because ‘IT’S A CHOICE’? Force them to give in and eat a ham sandwich because there’s nothing else on offer, so they can then point and say ‘SEE I TOLD YOU IT WAS JUST A CHOICE’? What does it matter? I know plenty of meat-eaters who don’t eat oysters, for example, not because they have an allergy but because they don’t like the idea. What are we going to do, take them to an oyster bar and go BUT IT’S A CHOICE, YOU’RE NOT ALLERGIC’? So weird.

  20. Sunflower*

    I feel like she just wants to draw attention to her diet. I was on no-carb (now low-carb) due to diabetes and there’s always something on the menu that I can eat. I must of eaten hundreds of chicken breast or fish with a double side of veggies, no potatoes. I’ve asked the waitstaff for cheeseburgers without the bun. I do not show my sadness at eating the good ol’ salad at pizza joints.

    As for snacks, the world is full of temptations and it doesn’t owe me anything. It’s on me to resist. Is it hard? Yes, especially if it’s right in front of my face. I’ve asked coworkers if they can put the cookies and cupcakes on the other end of the office but I wouldn’t dream of asking them to stop bringing treats. And I wouldn’t dream of complaining about the guest of honor’s choice.

    1. Somehow I Manage*

      Your first sentence brings me back to someone I worked around a bunch of years ago. We had regular meetings that included a catered lunch, and rather than sit and enjoy what he had ordered specifically for him (a practice I’m fully supportive of), it turned into a very lengthy speech about the restrictions of the diet, why he was eating what he was eating, etc. Every meeting. He wasn’t getting short-changed. He was ordering what he wanted. Frankly, I’d have rather had what he was eating. But he was all about pointing out the differences, I think in hopes that someone would ask him about his weight and health.

      1. Paint N Drip*

        I swear some people choose the ~special diet~ so they can lord it over you or make themselves out to be a martyr or something! It only stings a little to a lot for people like me who have to change their diet when they’d desperately prefer to be “normal”

        If you want to change your diet to lose/gain weight or change your environmental impact or blood glucose or whatever, go for it! Please never discuss the details with me :)

      2. Ellis Bell*

        I think sometimes when people are thinking mostly about diet stuff, because it’s new or difficult…. that’s all the conversation they have, and they don’t always realise they’ve used up all the oxygen on the room on the difference between sweet potatoes and regular.

    2. borderparasol*

      The tired joke remains true. How can you tell if someone’s on a Keto diet? Wait thirty seconds and they’ll tell you themselves.

  21. Kivrin*

    I am a plant forward omnivore in a vortex of people who are variously: vegan, vegetarian, celiac, dairy-free, intermittent fasting and allergic/ intolerant to various things including nuts, garlic and eggs. My partner is Buddhist and can tolerate me eating meat in front of her but she’d really rather not. One of our friends has an old fashioned meat and potatoes constitution and seriously doesn’t consider a meal without meat an actual meal.

    It can be very difficult to keep track of “which constellation of folks are coming over and how do I meet the most needs” — esp. since the celiac/intolerant folks often can’t eat the vegan stuff, some of the veggies will do some fishes but not others, etc. One of my vegan friends is actually writing a book about the morality of veganism (and implied compromised ethics of animal eating).

    And — we still manage to co-exist and eat together with care and love. We steer away from steak houses and bbq joints and pasta places and non-adaptable menus and we miraculously manage to find places to eat. But it works because no one holds any of the others hostage to their regimes.

    So… yes, find a more adaptable restaurant for lunches (as you would for someone with a severe allergy), and tell Colette to cool it with the comments. Your food is not her “temptation” any more than women have a responsibility not to look hot so men can “control their urges.”

  22. kiki*

    I do think another important callout is that Collette has been on this diet for a year, not a six week stint or something. It would be unreasonably difficult to always accommodate everyone’s temporary or short-lived diets, but it seems like Collette is keto for the long term in the way someone would be a vegetarian.

    As Alison pointed out, though, this accommodation should apply to food supplied or organized by the company— not random foods her coworkers are choosing to snack on or made to share with coworkers as a nice treat. It is really gracious for folks to try to make treats that accommodate everyone’s dietary needs, but depending on the size of the group and number of restrictions, it can become difficult to make a treat that satisfies everyone without dramatically increasing the effort or cost. Setting that sort of standard usually means nobody ever brings anything in.

  23. Elle*

    It’s insane to me that we’re almost in 2025 and so many people think Colette’s diet choices are other people’s problem. Diet culture is insidious but also boring.

    1. Unkempt Flatware*

      Wait, so are you saying they should not accommodate her when choosing a restaurant? We can think diet culture is boring or whatever but what is your suggestion?

    2. NotAnotherManager!*

      The problem is that there are many, many reasons that people are on various forms of food restriction. Colette is being obnoxious about it (which is exacerbating the situation), but differentiating between her and others means that one has to (1) make an assumption about why someone is on a restricted eating plan OR require that someone share personal/medical information with a coworker and (2) place a value judgment on what types of dietary restrictions are permissible and which are not, which is problematic for multiple reasons.

      There’s a big difference between rolling one’s eyes and judging internally and deciding that your perception and judgment of the situation mean that Colette will be involuntarily excluded from team events and a company benefit.

  24. Former Retail Lifer*

    Even though being keto is her choice, please try to accommodate Colette. I work for a company that absolutely refuses to ask for dietary preferences before a large get-together with catering. I know I need to be proactive and reach out to the organizers to remind them that I exist and need something vegan. It’s annoying (I’ve worked here for over 8 years!) but if I’m proactive, I eat. If not, I don’t. I have to be annoying about this one thing, and Colette does not need one more thing to be annoying about.

    That being said, people bring in baked goods all the time. I quietly opt out. If it’s not a work-sanctioned meal for everyone, someone’s got to shut her complaints down.

  25. Lindsay*

    I’ve been the gal ordering the food at most of my jobs in the last 8-10 years. I’ve seen it all, people not wanting the food put by them because it tempts them, people asking we don’t go to ___ restaurant because they have gotten sick from it twice before, people complaining about the treats in the lunchroom, etc. In my current, all-female office, one is always on a diet, one is kosher and one doesn’t eat pork due to their religion. I think here it mostly seems like people lamenting in a low-stakes way about how they want to eat the bread, or the bacon, or whatever but are trying to “be good”. I try to find places that have enough variety that everyone can find something to eat. Sometimes, someone opts out of eating the group meal because of their diet. I don’t take offense, they don’t take offense. If someone is choosing to do keto or atkins or whatever, that is on them. We are all adults…right?

  26. MG*

    From personal experience – If one follows a ketogenic diet (Board Certified Obesity Medicine physicians prescribe and follow many such patients for metabolic syndrome) – what is involved is way more than a diet. It takes time to achieve ketosis, an individual often experiences ‘the keto flu’ a period of feeling poorly and they have to keep their net carbs under a certain amount to avoid kicking themselves out of ketosis – or risk starting the entire process over again. Few restaurant settings cannot produce a protein based, low carb meal – but there are some.
    However, Colette sounds a bit attention needy. Anyone who follows this pattern of eating knows they need to carry their own snacks and sometimes meals. Mabye if people can show a bit of empathy “you are dedicated, I know that’s hard” tempered with ‘sorry, we can’t require everyone to have the same eating patterns’ – perhaps Colette and the OP will land where they need to be for daily function.

  27. mango chiffon*

    If individual staff members are bringing in food on their own, no one has any right to complain they are not being catered to (unless there’s some weird situation where someone is bringing food in to specifically spite someone, but that’s a whole other thing). There’s plenty of times where my coworkers bring something into the office that I don’t like, and I simply just don’t eat it. I hate raisins, and if someone brings in raisin cake, I’ll decline and that’s it. I might feel sad for a second about walking to the staff kitchen with excitement and then being disappointed by raisins, but that’s life. Sometimes there are raisins.

    But the staff lunch should be a different situation since it’s being paid by the company. You need to at least make an effort with Collette to find something that works for her. I order catering for my office quite often, and I often need to find things that work for vegetarians and gluten free colleagues and some colleagues with allergies to common vegetarian or gluten free protein sources like chickpeas. As you can imagine, this can make catering complicated. Thankfully, these colleagues are kind and when I work with them for finding food, they are not picky and are willing to be flexible around the ordering. Collette sounds like she is maybe not the most generous colleague, but you still have to try if you are doing this as a company lunch.

  28. PhyllisB*

    This is a very timely topic. I have a casual friend who wants to take me to lunch and she follows a keto diet. I know she’s going to ask me to pick where we go, but I don’t know anything about keto except that it’s low carb. What type of restaurant should I suggest?

    1. Somehow I Manage*

      Ask her what places work well for her. See if you can get 2-3 choices and pick from the list.

  29. Apex Mountain*

    Colette does sound a bit obnoxious but on the other hand if she’s the only one with restrictions and is constantly on the outside looking in the comments are more understandable.

    Either way if there are simple ways to accommodate so she can join everyone you should do that.

    1. Observer*

      Nope, on “understanding” her comments.

      Look, I’ve got some very weird diet restrictions which means that more often than not, I can’t eat what people bring in. But it would incredibly rude of me to complain about that. Much less complain complain about snacks that they bring if for themselves. As an adult she should know better.

      However, 100% agreement on trying to actually *reasonably* accommodate her for work sponsored meals.

  30. Somehow I Manage*

    I’m about 180 degrees different from Collette. I have dietary restrictions that are medical. When we order stuff in for work-sponsored meals, the person who orders ALWAYS checks with me to ensure there’s something I can eat. Which is awesome, and super kind. Is it always what I would have chosen on my own? Nope. Am I sometimes bummed internally because I can’t have a slice of meat-lovers pizza and garlic breadsticks when I’m sitting with my cheese pizza and lettuce salad. Yep. But I also recognize that I’m eating something. For free. And I recognize that my personal needs shouldn’t overrule the needs and desires of the rest of the group.

    Also, if someone brings in cupcakes because it is their birthday, there are times when I’ve been bummed out because for me, it isn’t as simple as just grabbing one. But no one is setting one on my desk or waving it under my nose. There’s temptation because I know they’re there, but no one is bringing them in AT me. And I don’t have a right to make an issue, to comment, or to draw attention to myself.

    So should OP’s workplace work with Collette to find a list of 5-6 places that she knows she can get something substantial to eat that allows her to follow Keto. That would be awesome. But someone … anyone … should tell her to refrain from commenting about what people bring in on their own to share.

  31. Kimmy Schmidt*

    I’ve always been curious for an update on this one and the specific ways this office worked (or… didn’t) things out for everyone involved.

    1. Daisy-dog*

      As this was a 2019 letter, the most likely update is boring because Covid messed everything up. They either all went remote, people lost their jobs, or they stopped going out to eat/sharing food and just started ordering individual meals for everyone.

      Before that I’m going to guess that LW & team tried to do better, but Collette continued to be insufferable. And possibly, it turned out that Collette was insufferable in ways other than office food politics. Something else eventually happened and either she or LW left the company.

    2. Festively Dressed Earl*

      I just looked through the comments on the original; OP didn’t chime in. And there’s no update. Maybe add it to the list for update season?

  32. Kindred Spirit*

    As someone who has food restrictions—some by choice (no red meat) and some for medical reasons (low carb), I have always been of the opinion that my food needs are my responsibility.

    Some restaurants have limited menus, but I can almost always find something… an appetizer, soup or a salad at minimum. I’ll have a snack later if it’s not enough to make a meal. If lunch is brought in for an meeting, I appreciate it if my needs are considered, but sometimes what is delivered doesn’t include anything I can or should eat. ‍♀️ It’s one meal.

    1. Raisineye*

      I have some food restrictions (no dairy, low garlic) for health and comfort reasons, but I also have an eating disorder (ARFID) and this is how I go about work food life as well. our last team meeting with food provided was from a Vietnamese restaurant which everyone else was excited for. I’m not going to throw a tantrum about not having anything to eat- I brought my own food and socialized. it was fine. If I go out to eat with a work group and there isn’t much for me, I bring food and eat at my desk before or after official lunch. I don’t want my food issues to be anyone else’s burden or responsibility.

  33. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

    LW, you need to respect Collette’s choice of diet, irrespective of if you think it’s voluntary. If the team is going Italian and there isn’t a dish she feels good about consuming, she needs to be given the opportunity to bow out gracefully. No haranguing or harassment of her over the decision can be tolerated. If her presence is mandatory, either offer her a second, paid lunch break or find a restaurant where she can eat, too.

    Her conduct needs to be every bit as tolerant of others as that is of her. No one should have to listen to, nor should you as supervisor tolerate, comments about making her sick or how she can’t enjoy it.

    She’s likely dealing with an avalanche of crap and flak from people who think they know her body better than she does, so a little grace and understanding with her will probably go a long way.

    1. allathian*

      Well, Colette needs to stop policing everyone else’s food choices first. She needs to understand that she’s responsible for her own food choices and nobody else’s. If she does that, I bet that people would be more gracious in accommodating her needs.

      If she’s chosen to follow a strict diet and finds other people’s food unbearably tempting, it’s her problem and not something that her employer or coworkers need to accommodate. If she had a genuine eating disorder some accommodations could be found, but they’d probably involve excusing her from company lunches and ensuring that any snacks people bring are kept as far as possible from her. Requiring everyone else to follow her diet at work to ensure that she’s not subject to temptations would not be a reasonable accommodation.

  34. Margaret Cavendish*

    Letting the new person pick the restaurant – honestly, if I were the new person I would find that kind of intimidating! I don’t know the culture and the customs of the team, I don’t know what kind of budget is available, I don’t know if I’m about to pick the restaurant that everybody kind of hates but you went six times last month because it’s nearby. It would be much kinder to them if you could put together a list of restaurants that you already know work for everybody, and let them pick from the list.

    Actually, this might be a good list to have just in general, since you seem to go out fairly often! You could even sort them by green/ yellow/ red – green for restaurants that most people are happy with most of the time; yellow for places that most people like but a handful of people can’t go to for whatever reason; red for places that you should generally avoid.

    1. Aggretsuko*

      Exactly, I would close up and NOT pick a restaurant because you know someone’s gonna complain. I get too much of that in life anyway.

      Love this have-a-list idea.

  35. Hyaline*

    There is a slight but important distinction that I think the LW makes here–Colette is not (rightfully, fairly) pointing out that there’s not anything for her to eat on the menus of restaurants that are chosen; she seems to be focusing on the fact that there are many foods she CANNOT eat on those menus. The example with Italian, for instance–I have to eat gluten-free, so there’s PLENTY at an Italian place I can’t eat, but there’s always a salad and usually something protein-based (chops, a chicken breast, fish). Colette might not *prefer* that restaurant or her choices there, but she’s being accommodated. She’s doing the same thing when people bring in treats–drawing attention to the fact that SHE can’t eat the (optional) break room banana bread or whatever. Yes, I think it’s reasonable to make sure that there’s something on the menu that everyone can eat–but it’s not reasonable that the person with dietary restrictions gets their first choice every time. Yes, they might be eating salads more often than they’d prefer, but being accommodated is not the same thing as being catered to. Upshot, Colette is being a diva and honestly very weird about her food choices and making something that is her business everyone else’s business, and if you don’t have standing to shut it down, you just have ignore it.

  36. DJ*

    As a diabetic who needs to follow a keto style diet most of the time it’s frustrating to go to say a high sugar morning tea where there is nothing to eat. Ditto re many cafes or take away places that only have have carb ridden foods.
    And as my employer is expecting us to be in the office more it will become more of an issue. There is virtually no takeaway food surrounding my workplace that is suitable. So I have to bring my own food and with a long commute I also will have to bring dinner to eat on the train on my way home which has to be cold food as no re heating facilities on the train!
    If my blood sugar reading is good that morning and I know there’s going to be eating out at work I’ll have a no carb breakfast so I can be more flexible of what I can eat.
    Of course the biting comments aren’t acceptable. But the employee also needs to have food that they can eat where they go out to!

    1. Kesnit*

      I went to a conference a few months ago that provided breakfast. When I checked the breakfast, it was always breakfast sandwiches (biscuit, bagel, muffin). Sure, I can take the meat and cheese off,* but then I look like a pig taking multiple sandwiches. Or I could go elsewhere for breakfast, but that would mean paying out of pocket. (Since breakfast was provided, I could not expense it.)

      * This is what I did.

      1. CommanderBanana*

        Or the horrible no-protein breakfasts continental that are just some sort of breakfast cake or muffin and no-fat, sugar-filled yogurts. That’s a guarantee that I’ll be headache-y and crabby about 90 minutes later when my blood sugar tanks.

          1. allathian*

            Depends on where you are. I’ve always had great luck at Finnish hotels because there’s something for everyone in the buffet. Lots of vegan and vegetarian options, fish, ham, turkey, salami. You can have yoghurt (usually a selection containing everything from high-fat Greek to low-fat options), muesli, cereal. Gluten-free bread slices are individually packed at a gluten-free factory, and while most people get butter/margarine/cream cheese/hummus from a big tub, there are sealed portions of at least butter/margarine available with the gluten free bread to eliminate cross-contamination. You can also go the whole hog and eat a full English breakfast with fried sausages, bacon, baked beans… Usually there’s also a tub of oatmeal or some other porridge available with various toppings. I could go on.

            Last time I was at a conference, I sat at a table with three other people at breakfast. One person was vegan, another was low-carb/keto, the third was allergic to eggs, and I’m a lactose-free flexi-eater. All of us found something delicious to eat.

            So while I disagree that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, that traditional thinking has certainly ensured that hotel breakfasts tend to be very good here. And the hotels I’ve stayed at have been basic conference hotels, not luxury hotels.

            1. CommanderBanana*

              It depends what the conference budget is, and ours is usually so low that we’re only offering pastries and yogurt because it’s the cheapest option available.

          2. amoeba*

            I never take these as actual breakfast (which I will have before) but rather as nice treats for the morning coffee – and I, for one, am absolutely in for the high fat, high sugar pastries!

  37. TheBunny*

    The comments during group snacking are annoying.

    Voting on a restaurant as a group outing where she can only eat salad was less ok. Keto carb restrictions and those for diabetes are similar. I’m hopeful a diabetic wouldn’t be told “we’re going to Italian. You can get a salad.”

    Yes it’s her choice…but it should be honored. And I wonder if more efforts to accommodate on group lunches were made…would her other comments lessen?

    1. Frosty*

      The only way I can see this being an issue is if they are going to low-end “chain”/family style restaurants that have a lot of pre-made/frozen elements to their food and aren’t able to handle any type of special requests.

      Diabetics and people with other medical accommodations have to work around this all the time and sometimes it IS just ordering the salad or steamed protein/veggies etc. I was vegan for a long time and it’s much easier these days, but I had many a “side garden salad” (iceberg lettuce and maybe a tomato slice) and french fries at meals. It was a bummer but part of the choices I was making so I could participate in the social aspect.

    2. allathian*

      Lots of Italian dishes can be adapted to keto if you leave out the pasta.

      I think the problem is her attitude, she’s vocally judgmental of other people who aren’t following her diet. She wants everyone to eat like she does because if they did, she wouldn’t have to make any effort to avoid the temptations.

  38. TokenJockNerd*

    I was on medical keto for a hot minute for intractable seizures. Transitioning to Modified Atkins (aka ‘smash your gram scale! eat a vegetable!’) felt like so much food freedom. And I cannot IMAGINE being so, like, pissy about others’ food and thinking it was okay. Especially after the first 4 weeks when everything is awful. Colette needs to keep her eyes on her own plate.

    That said, yeah, it’s important that she be included in the things that are everyone things, I agree. It feels real crummy to be not part of everyone (if she chose it or not is immaterial, though if she’s being a judgey grump I can REALLY see wanting to, like, not. But…part of everyone). When I was actually not allowed to eat things that had ever seen a carb, it made me feel more included if people, like, acknowledged it (or tossed me something I could eat now and then–not saying you should, just, made me feel remembered) when they did food centric things that were very carby. Like “yeah, this isn’t exclusion, we remember, the tradition for watching the llama races is kettlecorn with sprinkles, but here’s some macadamia nuts in butter because we remembered”.

    She’s, again, grotesquely out of line with the comments about other people’s food. But she might be less obnoxious about it if she’s feeling less like she’s fighting for her space (if that’s a factor)

  39. Frosty*

    As someone that has eaten variously restrictive diets, it’s easy to accommodate most and Collette should be used to having a plan to do so. Sometimes it’s a call ahead to a restaurant and asking if they could put something special together for you (a meat heavy salad or braised chicken breast etc.)
    I’ve brought my own salad dressing in my purse when I wasn’t sure what type of oil they used in the kitchen.

    Unless you’re going to places that are like, “the bread emporium” or low cost chains (Pizza Hut, Applebees etc.) there should be something she can order with a small amount of effort. Again – she’d be used to doing this for herself, and could coach the person making the arrangements on how to do it (if she doesn’t want to call herself).

    This letter is definitely about finding a middle ground – both sides need to bend. No more complaining and policing of food, and making sure you’re eating at a place that she can work with.

    IF this is a very small town with limited options, then ask her how she’d like these lunches to look like so she could be included. Keto is not that difficult to accommodate as long as she is willing to eat something that is not that exciting so she can participate (something vegetarians have gone through forever).

  40. blood orange*

    OP – Something that might be smart, and perhaps soften the conversation about not commenting on what others are eating, would be to have a narrowed down list of places to eat where Collette has some options. I’m not sure who does the organizing on those lunches, if it’s more informal and on the fly, but if there’s a list of say 5 places that would be acceptable to her, it might be a kindness for someone to encourage the group (including new employees) to choose from those 5.

    Similarly, I have a small group that meets quarterly and we always order lunch. I know that one member does not like a restaurant that the others really like (and he has opted out of lunch because of this). I’ve just proactively said let’s not choose this place, here are the other options.

  41. v2*

    >I think it was like the fifth image that came up if you google “squirrel”

    Well I can see why people would be threatened by someone having such a famous squirrel as their pet! :)

  42. Sugarfree Librarian*

    I can sympathize a bit with Collette because keto is often what’s recommended for my T2D, but it sounds like she has a really terrible relationship with food– particularly the whole “how dare you tempt me/I’m going to be *bad* if you bring in brownies” etcetera. I live in an area where “breakfast provided” usually means coffee and pan dulce, so I’ve gotten used to just eating my diabetic-friendly stuff beforehand. But there are definitely days when I give in and have something sweet or carb-rich that will have me feeling gross later in the day. Usually that happens when I’m already stressed or anxious so it’s more likely to happen at work, let’s be real.

    So yeah, only having sugary or carby options is obnoxious, and it’d be really cool for y’all to consider healthier alternatives, not just for Collette, but maybe for the folks who don’t make it known they would benefit from something that won’t make their blood sugar crash at 3PM. That said, she also needs a talking to both about the judgmental comments and about the self-centered nature of her expectations– you’re her colleagues, not her minders. And if Collette were someone I had a personal relationship with, I’d likely talk to her too about needing to heal her relationship with food (there’s no such thing as “bad” foods, etc). But as is, it’s probably just best that she get a talking to from HR or her supervisor about all the judgy-mcjudgypants commentary.

  43. Sindy*

    Everyone else has addressed LW so I’ll just leave this recommendation, I am low carb to manage my Type 1 diabetes (insulin dependent) and I use the Diet Menus website when eating out. It has options for low carb, keto, vegan, low/high fiber, etc. It does not have options for kosher or halal but if you’re just looking strictly for dieting guides, it’s very useful. I can’t remember what the links policy is for the comment section so I won’t link it but if you google “Diet Menus” you’ll find it easy.

  44. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    I’d say that Colette needs to stop complaining and not make negative comments about what others eat, but try to accommodate her. It also depends how food is served.

    I attend a foreign language course that serves cultural food. It’s family style, and you can let the organization know ahead of time. They accommodate vegetarian, GF, and dairy free, but otherwise, the way food is done allows people to mostly modify their own choices for their diet. You can eat less of the food, not eat the bread, etc., but this way everyone eats together and there’s less diet talk.

  45. Dog momma*

    As far as the Keto diet, she can have 2 meatballs and salad. at an Italian restaurant, or grilled veggies. I’ve been on that diet and that was acceptable. OR she can bring her own food. But the diet is HER CHOICE & nobody, esp a new hire should have to ” feel guilty ” or uncomfortable about this.

  46. Shamrock*

    Oh for over loving God. No! You do not need to indulge someone’s Keto diet!

    As an HR professional – unless they have a diability and need to request a reasonable accommodation – do not make every new employee’s preferred restaurant be beholden to this self absorbed person.

    The VAST majority of sit-down restaurants can amend a dish to make it keto. Here is a plate of bacon.

    For anyone reading this that sh*ts on HR, it is this stuff that we have to deal with all the time. Be nice to your HR people!

    1. GythaOgden*

      I’d actually hope that HR was more understanding of people’s preferences and treating individuals as individuals and not going about their job like a bull in a china shop. Keto is a legitimate thing that people follow and isn’t just ‘eat bacon all the time’. (There’s a lot of other foods to get protein that are much better for you than that, although I have heard of ‘lazy keto’ that does involve just eating sausage, bacon, red meat and so on. Most people here have talked about salads with lean meat being something many restaurants would serve so they get the protein they need alongside other nutritional foods without the bad stuff involved in processed meats.)

      Collette is out of line on some things but I don’t want HR to behave in this way either. You’re making things a lot worse.

  47. GythaOgden*

    I’d actually hope that HR was more understanding of people’s preferences and treating individuals as individuals and not going about their job like a bull in a china shop. Keto is a legitimate thing that people follow and isn’t just ‘eat bacon all the time’. (There’s a lot of other foods to get protein that are much better for you than that, although I have heard of ‘lazy keto’ that does involve just eating sausage, bacon, red meat and so on. Most people here have talked about salads with lean meat being something many restaurants would serve so they get the protein they need alongside other nutritional foods without the bad stuff involved in processed meats.)

    Collette is out of line on some things but I don’t want HR to behave in this way either. You’re making things a lot worse.

  48. Smurfette*

    Of course Colette should be accommodated, but it’s difficult to understand what she’s expecting since most restaurants should be able to provide a Keto-friendly meal for her. She can even look at their menu online ahead of time.

    “once Collette refused to join the group for a welcome lunch because the place was Italian and MOSTLY carbs” (emphasis mine)

    Yeah this is someone who isn’t looking for a solution. Italian restaurants serve fish/chicken/meat and salads/vegetables. I picked a random Italian restaurant in Chicago and there were 10+ items on their online menu that are basically protein + veggies with no carbs. (Yes, I’m avoiding real work.)

    (That said, choosing by team vote isn’t particularly equitable. If 60% of the team prefer Thai food and 40% want to eat pizza, it’s going to be Thai food every single month.)

  49. rebelwithmouseyhair*

    Speaking as a vegetarian, thank you for saying chosen diets need to be accommodated just as allergies. I personally don’t feel that it’s a choice, it’s more like a religion (from what I see of how people don’t feel that they “chose” their religion, it’s simply what they believe).

    Keto may appear to be a choice, but some people choose it because it’s better for their health. Particularly people with insulin problems. There are people with type 2 diabetes who have managed to reduce very considerably the amount of insulin they need by adopting a keto diet.

    Similarly someone who is on a specific weight-loss diet shouldn’t be expected to turn up for a work meeting at an ice cream parlour or coffee outlet selling nothing but luscious pastries. A little sensitivity goes a long way.

    And of course the sensitivity needs to go both ways, Collette needs to understand that keto is not for everyone. I too wanted to convert the world when I first embraced vegetarianism, but you can’t impose your choices on others. If they’re tucking into a sticky toffee cake, they probably know it’s not good for them already.

Comments are closed.