I can’t travel because my cat is sick — and my boss and coworkers are unhappy

by Alison Green on September 17, 2024

A reader writes:

I joined my employer earlier this year as the only fully remote worker. At my first on-site, the only other coworkers in my department resigned. Instead of being the junior member of a small remote team as I expected, I was suddenly THE team. The CEO told me that day that he’d want me to travel to the home office once a month, and I was still so shocked I gave a non-committal answer like, “Well, if it’s for something important.” During the interviews, we had only discussed “some” travel.

I took possession of my childhood cat (age 16) at the beginning of June from my aging parents. He was healthy, but by mid-June, he showed symptoms that last week we found out is severe and chronic pancreatitis. His treatment plan includes once a week injections, 2-3 times a week fluids, twice daily pills and ointments, and a lot of hand feeding all day, every day. Almost all of these are a two-person job (bless my fiancé!). He has a chance of full recovery, but could also pass anytime.

The adjustment to remote work with my boss has been rough already, with limited communication from either side (my bad!). I ducked out of a July event for the first emergency appointment and an event tomorrow due to his new treatment plan (the org lost no money on plane tickets or hotel). I made one conference in August, but things went poorly while I was away. This time, my boss expressed displeasure and told me to find a way to attend “if at all possible” and to “heck, take the cat with you.” I don’t feel I can stick all of this care on my fiancé, even if either of us could do it independently.

I had a meeting today to finalize a large project. A coworker was early and started by saying he was disappointed that I wouldn’t be at the event tomorrow, that he didn’t see a pet as a valid excuse and didn’t believe me, he wasn’t a pet person, and in the army this would be called a “personal problem.” I was ruder than I should have been, but I was taken aback and said I could always ask the vet to send him a note and that if my boss felt the same way as him, the boss is free to talk to me about it.

My coworker said it in a semi-joking tone and seemed to get more serious when I expressed my regret about missing the event and explained the treatments — but he should not have known about the cat unless he’s been talking to my boss, he has no standing to reprimand me, and I felt disrespected and gossiped about. My boss came in and said that he was disappointed I wasn’t calling in on my way to the airport, then jumped in. I also made clear later in the call that I wouldn’t be committing to travel until this cat resolves his illness or passes.

How do I address this with my boss while giving my pet the best shot I can? Did I just take a joke too harshly? Is a pet’s illness a legitimate family issue to miss travel for? What do I do from here? They can’t see me working every day and want to bridge the gap through regular travel, and I can see why they thought I was on board. But I felt pressured into that existing agreement, I feel disrespected and distrusted, and I think my travel schedule is being gossiped about and potentially damaging my relationship with other coworkers. If it’s a performance conversation, I’m happy to have one — but with my boss, not my coworkers.

This is tricky. You signed up for a job that was supposed to involve “some” travel, and then the needs of the job changed soon after you started. You’re entitled to say, “Hey, this isn’t what we agreed to when I was hired and it’s not something I can do.”

At the same time, they’re allowed to decide that the needs of the job have changed and that they do need someone in your role who can travel more than what was originally discussed. That wouldn’t necessarily be fair, but it does happen sometimes. They’d also be on solid ground in pointing out that you did agree to “some” travel when you were hired, and they’re not being unreasonable in expecting you to adhere to that.

It’s also true that declining to do work travel in order to care for a pet isn’t seen the way that declining because of child care would be. If you were saying, “I’m the single parent of a toddler and can’t travel more than once or twice a year,” it would likely be going over differently. We can debate whether or not that should be the case, but it’s the reality in many offices.

To me, this hinges on what “some” travel meant when you agreed to that originally. It sounds like the monthly trips to the home office are a new expectation, but what about the events and conferences that you’ve been missing? If those were always understood to be part of the role, even before your coworkers quit, this gets a lot harder to resolve.

But also, what does it mean that you’re now THE team, with no other team members? Are they hiring to fill those roles so this is temporary? Or is the plan to keep you a department of one, and the only person responsible for all the travel that needs to be done?

The other complicating factor: When you’re the only remote worker on a team, it’s really important that you go out of your way to be visible, accessible, and available. You said you weren’t communicating enough in the beginning, and that’s probably making this harder. When you’re a known quantity who’s in frequent communication, people are often more willing to accommodate you when you need it (whereas when they don’t feel connected to you, the opposite can be true).

So, where does all this leave you? I think you need to have a straightforward conversation with your boss to clarify the travel expectations and what you can and can’t commit to, and figure out if the role can still work for both of you (and also ideally resolve the question of whether the situation will change when/if they replace the coworkers who left). You should do this soon, because your boss is telling you pretty forthrightly that he’s unhappy with how things stand now.

I don’t think you can take for granted they’ll accept “I can’t travel at all (or much) because of my cat” for a job that they told you from the start would involve some travel. Some managers might! But a lot of managers wouldn’t, especially for a new employee (as opposed to if you’d been working for them for years before your situation changed). I also don’t think you can expect people not to talk about it. Someone on the team being unable to travel for what people may not see as a “good enough” reason is something that’s likely to get discussed, and there’s no point in spending capital or energy being upset about that.

This situation sucks and it isn’t your fault. You’re trying to save your cat! But I think you’ve got to have an air-clearing conversation with your boss and figure out what will and won’t work.

I hope your cat is okay.

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  1. nycnpo*

    This is a tough situation and I feel for you OP. I’d consider finding a new role – it was a bit of a bait and switch but it seems like this situation is just setting up for unhappiness and frustration on both ends. No harm no foul if you left – they changed the expectations.

    1. So they all cheap ass-rolled over and out fell out*

      Bait and switch or not, it sounds like there is a fundamental mismatch between LW’s availability and the employer’s expectation of their availability. Especially since LW is their first fully remote employee, so they’re not used to coming in to the office being Big-T Travel.

      1. Not on board*

        To be fair, the entire department quit at once at OP’s first on-site meeting. The travel requirements were probably meant to be spread around and is now all falling on the OP. I think there also may be some fundamental dysfunction at a workplace where nearly an entire department quits on the spot. It could be a coincidence but that’s not likely.

        And the coworker was definitely out of line. OP can make it clear if anyone says anything that it’s between them and the boss. As for other solutions, I’m not sure.

        1. Nicosloanica*

          Yep, I’ve worked at numerous orgs where there’s a lot of turnover. It has ALWAYS been a factor of a disorganized/dysfunctional workplace, even if there “seems” to be reasonable explanations for the departures at first. By the third person who abruptly leaves, there’s a workplace crisis and if the org isn’t ACTING like it, eg, they are just pushing all the work onto a brand new employee like OP with no other plan, they’re showing you their true colors.

          1. Worldwalker*

            And it seems, at least from what I’m getting from the letter, that the organization is perfectly content with the LW doing the entire team’s work solo, and doesn’t plan to change that. Add the fact that the whole department quit at once, the yikes on bikes have little red bike flags flying high as they pedal frantically out of there.

          2. Ceanothus*

            Oh I love this metric. I was thinking about places I’ve worked with a lot of sudden unexpected turnover, and the third person moving on unexpectedly has always occurred in places where it would be an early sign of bee infestations. Nice work!

        2. amoeba*

          Well… yes, but also, this sounds a little more dramatic if you don’t mention that it was, indeed, one coworker who quit. Which still sucks! But “the entire department quit” sounds like five people staged a walk-out or something, which didn’t happen. One person quitting doesn’t necessarily point to dysfunction! (Although the failure to replace them might, sure.)

            1. Hlao-roo*

              I also initially thought it was just one coworker who quit. The LW wrote:

              “the only other coworkers in my department resigned”

              The first time I read it I saw “only other” and skipped right over the “s” in coworkers. Amoeba might have done something similar.

              I am curious whether it’s a case of 2 people resigning at the same time (could be for dramatic reasons or for mundane reasons) or 5+ people resigning at the same time (much more likely to be for dramatic reasons).

              1. Ellie*

                I’d still be worried if it was only 2 people who resigned, since that was everyone else on the team. OP is now a team of 1, and is also now getting grief from their boss. You’d think that they’d be bending over backwards to give them support. This isn’t what they signed up for.

            2. wordswords*

              Yeah, the letter read to me as if it were a small team (maybe 2 or 3 other people) but still, multiple coworkers who resigned at once.

              And aside from all else, that’s a really rough position to be in, especially as a brand new hire! And it sounds like it set LW up for a difficult relationship with their boss and with figuring out what exactly the expectations are on all sides, and that hardly helps when you get to a complex situation like this where LW is likely to have to spend some political capital that it doesn’t sound like they have. (To be clear, I’m saying this as someone who’s had multiple elderly cats that required a lot of round-the-clock care, and being forced to make a choice like this would be absolutely heartbreaking. I have tons of sympathy for you, LW. But it’s still a tricky situation to navigate, especially in your situation where your boss isn’t a pet owner too who instantly understands what you’re going through.)

              1. Worldwalker*

                I’m wondering if it was indeed a very small number of co-workers, but they were concerned enough about the effects of them all leaving at once to wait until it looked like the higher-ups were hiring for their department before they left. And then the company didn’t.

        3. goddessoftransitory*

          Yes: this sounds like a perfect, terrible storm situation: the job and her pet’s needs both fundamentally changed/racheted up their demands and they’re basically incompatible.

          LW, I feel for you so hard–I too have an elderly cat and the hardest part of recent life events was worrying about him and his needs. It would be so hard to job hunt while dealing with this, plus the vet bills…

          If you want/need to stay at this job, I think the best thing to do would be try to rearrange/refinance your cat’s care. Maybe hire someone to assist with your cat when you have to be away, or board him with the vet so he can get the right care and give your fiance’ a break. This will be astronomically expensive, but is there any way you can get pet insurance or CareCredit card specifically for his expenses? If you can do so, you can get a lot firmer footing at work and not feel like you have to play defense all the time, plus, showing you’re willing to do so will reassure your boss you take your job seriously.

          I’m obviously blue skying this and can’t magically fix things: I wish you all the luck in the world.

          1. The Dog Whisperer*

            Maybe hire someone to assist with your cat when you have to be away, or board him with the vet so he can get the right care and give your fiance’ a break. This will be astronomically expensive, but is there any way you can get pet insurance or CareCredit card specifically for his expenses?

            It would be legitimate for OP to ask her company to reimburse boarding the cat while she’s away.

            1. louvella*

              Pet insurance is not going to be helpful when there is a pre-existing condition and is not going to cover boarding (which personally I would not do for a sick cat anyway).

            2. Jellyfish Catcher*

              Yes I came to say the same thing, so snuck in here for a second (same) opinion.
              If you have any retired family members, another possible option.

        4. Ellie*

          Yes that’s a huge red flag. I’d be suggesting that OP starts looking around at other options anyway. Regular travel once a month doesn’t meet my definition of ‘some travel’, although admittedly that should have been clarified in the interview. But if the entire department quit, that’s likely the least of OP’s issues.

      2. Malarkey01*

        I don’t say this unkindly but don’t want LW to be caught off guard- I would not be surprised at all if they are looking to let her go in the near future.

        The fact that she’s the only one on the team may delay it a bit as they don’t want to be completely unstaffed, but if I had a new employee who was having communication problems and travel problems, especially with a remote position, I would not let it go on long.

        1. Nicosloanica*

          I agree that unfortunately this was my gut feeling, but I hope I’m wrong! It sounds like there were a couple missteps, not all of which are the OP’s “fault” but might just be playing into a bad pattern.

        2. ferrina*

          Seconding this.

          The boss and coworker don’t seem to care about OP or what they agreed to. Their complete lack of empathy is not a great sign. It means that they are less likely to hesitate if they think that they can get a better replacement for OP.
          OP needs to start a job search. If all they can do is 1 or 2 applications per week, then that’s still better than 0. Even if OP is able to stay on, this doesn’t seem like the right atmosphere for them (that coworker sounds awful!).

          1. WillowSunstar*

            I agree with that, it sounds like they want people to be in the office (or at least near the office) frequently.

          2. MassMatt*

            “The boss and coworker don’t seem to care about OP or what they agreed to.”

            How is the boss/employer not caring about what they agreed to? The job was described as requiring “some travel”. The LW is the one not fulfilling the agreement here, “some travel” doesn’t mean “no travel”.

            Maybe the coworker was insensitive (though I note the LW says their own response was “rude”), but take into account the coworker is probably having to pick up the slack on this travel the LW is not doing.

            1. Ellie*

              That really should have been clarified in the interview though. Whenever I’m interviewing, I am explicit about what I can offer, number of days in the office, off-site work, etc. I don’t want someone who can’t meet the expectations of the role, and most people don’t think to ask about it. To me, it’s on the interviewer to clarify.

              Having said that, if OP is now a team of 1, when there was supposed to be a small group, the expectations have probably changed. What might not have been a big deal at the interview, is suddenly a very big deal. But given they’re new, I’m surprised at the lack of support. It really doesn’t bode well.

          3. The Dog Whisperer*

            There is no “lack of empathy” whatsoever. OP, who is fully-remote, agreed to “some travel.” A once-a-month trip to the office is an absolutely reasonable expectation for a remote worker, and attending the conference is part of her job. Moreover, all of this is well within the purview of “some travel.” OP is reneging on the agreement she made when she accepted the job, all because of a cat. I’d be livid if I were her manager, too.

            Frankly, this escapade is a textbook case of why companies dislike remote work. If OP dislikes the once-a-month visit to the head office, it’s time for her to reset her unrealistic expectations and be prepared to be called back to office full-time, like Amazon, Google, and even Zoom are doing. The trade-off in being privileged enough to do full-time remote work three years after the pandemic is that you go to the office periodically.

            OP’s options are:
            – Come back to the office full-time (this still leaves the conferences, which are part of the job she signed up for)
            – Do the travel, and board her cat. I agree that the boarding should be an expense reimbursable by the company
            – Find another job, one that does not require travel
            – Rehome the cat. That’s probably her last choice, and it’s not what I would do with my dog, but it’s an option

            1. Mingus*

              If LW is going into the office 1 day per month including travel time, sure. But if it’s a longer trek that requires a flight and a couple days in the office to make it worth it, that’s a hybrid job with ~20% in-office time – not a remote one.

              In my experience, jobs that require a lot of travel will be upfront about the specific % required because it can be such a dealbreaker (and they will also typically pay more for the inconvenience) If I saw “some” I’d assume no more than 3-6x a year.

              Also – the ability to work fully remote is a very attractive benefit for many workers, which enables companies to offer lower salaries and remain competitive to attract good talent. Reducing that benefit IMO should come with a discussion of some sort of compensation change.

            2. Ellie*

              I don’t agree that once a month is reasonable for a fully remote worker. Some people have good reasons to be fully remote. If this was a question of distance, or disability, or caring responsibilities, rather than a cat, I doubt OP would be seeing this kind of push back.

              I guess it’s too late for OP to lie about the reason they are fully remote. The next best option, if she needs this job, is to have her fiance, or her parents, look after the cat while she’s away. Once a month doesn’t sound that unreasonable to me, I’d do it, for a close relative or friend. I know she said that feeding, etc. was a two person job, but I have managed that kind of thing on my own before. It’s worth taking the time to really brainstorm how that could work. Maybe the cat’s vet, or a neighbour, could help out?

            3. LinuxSystemsGuy*

              I disagree. Going to the office once a month is “some travel”. Going to conferences is “some travel”. Combine the two, and now you’re looking at 20-25% or more travel. It somewhat depending on how long OP is expected to be in the office on her monthly trips, but even if it’s only two days, add a day for travel to and from and we’re up to three days a month without a single conference added in. In my mind that’s already pushing the definition of “some”. Add in even a quarterly conference, and you’re averaging 5 days a month, which is around 25%.

              My previous role was considered “travel intensive” and I was only doing 40-50% travel. I would consider anything more than a week or two a year to be exceeding the “some travel” definition.

            4. Baunilha*

              I’m not sure I agree. The lack of empathy comes from the coworker’s comment, which by OP’s account, did sound a bit insensitive and also none of their business. If they have to pick up OP’s slack because of it, they should bring it to their boss.

              As for the once a month trip to the office being reasonable for some travel, it really depends on what OP had agreed on and also what changed once their coworkers left. I understand that having the rest of the team quit (at once, it sounds like) was a bit of a strain for the company, but OP is a newish and currently only employee, and it doesn’t sound like they’re getting a lot of support during this transition period.

              OP, I’m really sorry about your cat and I hope he has a full recovery. But in the meantime, I think you should job search because your work arrangement could become untenable.

            5. Dog momma*

              There’s no way in he’ll I’d rehome an ill SIXTEEN YEAR OLD cat! What’s wrong with you?
              ….who’s going to do poorly in a boarding situation Nobody is going to take that on.

        3. Starbuck*

          Yes, unfortunately it seems they just don’t agree that the cat care should be a priority or is a valid reason to miss events. That sucks, but if the cat care needs on LW’s end aren’t changing, and the org’s travel expectations aren’t changing either, I don’t see how it’ll work out unless they immediately hire more people? Even with that, it seems untenable.

          1. Nicosloanicota*

            This is one reason I probably wouldn’t have brought up why I couldn’t travel – because I’m not willing to have it be litigated as a good enough reason or not

            1. Tio*

              You’d probably have to lie, then; I can’t imagine a scenario at any of my jobs where I was opting out of all travel, which was at least in some way communicated as part of the job, and think that they’d just nod and agree. It’s not like where you call in sick once in a while and don’t really need to tell them the details; this is a long term situation involving missing a portion of the job requirements and that requires SOME kind of explanation.

              1. ThatOtherClare*

                ‘I’ve lately developed a problem that means I can’t be away from home overnight. I’m working on solutions, but at the moment travel is just not feasible for me. It’s not just work travel, I can’t travel for holidays or to see family anything either.’

            2. Dido*

              Refusing to elaborate on why you can’t travel is just going to make it easier for them to tell you you MUST do the travel you agreed to do when you were hired or be fired

              1. Nicosloanicota*

                That’s basically where she is anyway though, plus now the boss is talking about her dismissively with her coworkers

                1. TechWorker*

                  Though ‘my cat is sick’ is presumably not protected medical info; not sure the fact the boss shared it proves they were doing anything wrong. (Of course they may have done so with a heavy eye roll, in which case I agree with you :))

              2. Worldwalker*

                I don’t think it matters. There’s not a good way out in this situation.

                I wonder if hiring a professional cat caretaker would work? Or boarding with the cat’s regular vet — probably an extra charge (I’ve only boarded healthy cats) but it might be doable for the travel.

                1. Bear in the Sky*

                  Not if the cat has such intense medical needs. I work for a cat sitting service, and we wouldn’t be able to meet that kind of need. Vets’ boarding services don’t do it either, unless the pet is hospitalized, in which case it’s due to the animal’s medical need, not the owner’s travel, and very expensive. And it’s extremely stressful on cats to be removed from their homes. More so if they’re not healthy.

                2. The Dog Whisperer*

                  FWIW, I currently work remotely. (I generally dislike remote work, and I’d much prefer to be in-office four days a week, or even five days on most weeks; but we have some highly idiosyncratic business and geopolitical-related reasons for it right now.)

                  I have a dog and need to visit our head office, located in Asia, about three times per year, for about a month each time. I board the dog, for which the company reimburses me. If I take a weekend to do any personal tourism, I cover those days myself.

            3. Starbuck*

              That could work when you’re still interviewing for a new position or are in a job that doesn’t currently have travel and they try to add it – but when you signed up for at least some travel in the first place, you can’t really blanket opt-out without a compelling reason.

        4. Media Monkey*

          i would also agree. i’m very much a cat person (we have 2) but i can’t imagine being able to excuse absences/ lack of ability to travel if that was agreed up front based on a sick cat. it’s not the same as having childcare responsibilities and is something that most people won’t understand, particularly if there are any background niggles over remote working (unfortunately common in a lot of companies at this point)
          I hope i’m wrong and wishing you and your cat all the very best OP

    2. NotRealAnonForThis*

      That was the end result of my former boss at OldJob changing my travel expectations without putting them in writing, communicating them, allowing me feedback/renegotiating my compensation: he had to find a new “me”, because there was a reason why my previous travel expectations had been set at “once a year, maybe”. It was interesting to me as I’d turned down a promotion that was offered, and then they basically shifted the duties to me and switched my travel requirements. Shocked Pikachu faces all around.

      It really sounds like you should look around a bit. Heck, the first on-site I went to where my WHOLE team quit? I’d have brushed off the resume…

      In the meantime, yes, definitely have a meeting/discussion about expectations with your boss. I understand it, it sucks. And my experience was that nobody really gave two figs about trying to arrange travel with toddlers either, unfortunately. I’m not saying either situation is correct, just that they all suck.

      1. I Have RBF*

        Heck, the first on-site I went to where my WHOLE team quit? I’d have brushed off the resume…

        This.

        A whole team except the newcomer quitting at an offsite is a major, major red flag, and an RGE*, IMO.

        Start looking. That place is full of bees, and won’t improve.

        * RGE = Resume Generating Event

        1. The Dog Whisperer*

          It could be a red flag, but who knows? Suppose some manager got an offer from a competing firm and took her team along with her? (This happens very frequently at professional services firms.) Or a group of co-workers got together and decided to form a startup/spinoff? We don’t know any of the facts surrounding this departure.

          In any case, their reasons for leaving are irrelevant to the question of whether OP is acting reasonably in refusing to travel, and whether cat care is a valid excuse for refusal to travel. OP is reneging on her agreement to do “some” travel, and it’s understandable that her boss is upset. She should have talked with him before agreeing to take the cat and blithely assuming she could jettison once-a-month travel. There are also less disruptive solutions she’s ignoring, such as asking whether the company would reimburse her for boarding the cat while she’s away.

          If there are reasons unrelated to her cat why this company is a bad place to work, let her quit over those.

        2. Mingus*

          It’s also a huge RGE that there seems to be no attempt to replace the team members that quit. It’s bad leadership to decide “hey, what if our brand new junior employee became an entire department instead of rehiring those people that quit” and even worse leadership to decide that the way to make that happen is by micromanaging that new employee in-person more often.

    3. Three Flowers*

      This. The current situation with the cat is the tip of the iceberg. You’ve got a highly unstable work environment where expectations have changed drastically and your workload is likely to end up being much higher than expected too. On top of that, I bet they aren’t paying you to do a whole team’s work! And your former teammates didn’t leave en masse for no reason (if you don’t know why, find out). Definitely rev up that search again.

      And I too hope your cat is okay!

      1. Momma Bear*

        Even without the cat, I agree that this seems to be a mismatch in expectations. I think OP should consider a different role or company.

      2. Slow Gin Lizz*

        I desperately want to know why the rest of the team all quit, and all at once. Even if it’s just a coincidence that they all found new jobs at the same time, the fact that they were all looking at once certainly is telling. And the way the letter is written – “At my first on-site, the only other coworkers in my department resigned” – makes me feel like they all up and quit en masse because of something that happened at that meeting.

        1. EvilQueenRegina*

          Yes, I feel like there’s a story behind that (I accept that being new, the OP may not know, if it’s something that dates back further than that meeting).

        2. jasmine*

          it could’ve just been bad luck. I was imagining a team of maybe two people who happened to resign around the same time

          1. ferrina*

            It could have, but based on the context, I suspect not. The boss had no hesitation about changing the expectations on OP (minor travel to monthly travel is a big jump) and is showing total lack of realistic expectations with the cat (“bring the cat with you”?! How does boss actually expect that to happen? Does boss treat other work dilemmas this way?)

            1. Whale I Never*

              I mean… it could just be that boss isn’t a cat person and doesn’t fully understand that bringing a cat would be difficult. I can definitely see a reasonable but inexperienced person think “well, I’ve heard that cats are more independent than dogs–they don’t need to be walked and can use a litter box and entertain themselves for hours, so LW can probably just drive in with a litter box and a few toys, leave her cat in the hotel room/a spare conference room, and just pop in a few times a day to give medication and food!”

              Or the boss could have been using “bring the cat” as a shorthand for “as long as the accommodations result in you physically being here, we will be as accommodating as possible.” And, as others have pointed out, people’s standards for “some” travel vary incredibly widely, and LW and their boss having a mismatch might just be, like… normal variation in subjective values, rather than one person being massively, objectively, outside the norm.

              1. Tio*

                Yeah, I actually have a diabetic cat I have traveled with, and has stayed in hotels with us. What you described above is exactly how it works for me. It’s not realistic for all scenarios; I don’t want to take him on a plane so I only do this with driving distance destinations, but it is in many cases a reasonable option. And given the lack of communication, I doubt the boss knew exactly what the medical routines for the cat entailed when he suggested it.

              2. sparkle emoji*

                Exactly. I know the cat’s medical issues change things but I’ve taken a dog on trips and I would assume you could do the same for most cats. Obviously not LW’s cat, but does LW’s boss know all those details about why it’s not an option for LW’s cat? There seem to be other issues but that comment reads as pretty innocuous.

                1. JSPA*

                  Cats will sometimes stop eating and pooping for two or three days in response to a long car trip or flight. And some kid cats are carsick nonstop.

                  I’ve traveled with multiple cats, even intercontinental; it take a lot of pre-prep and training when they’re young, to get them ready to travel, and some of them never manage.

                  (For example, we rented motel rooms locally to get them used to things like the louder flush noise of commercial toilets; mirrors; the smell of different cleaning products; the sound of people in the hallways; and ever so much et cetera.

                  Any one of these things separately was enough to make them jam themselves into the smallest place possible and cower there.)

                  Rarely a cat will really take to travel (especially if their person is itinerant so they don’t ever imprint on a place but only on the person, or on person + campervan or bike or tent.) But for most of cats, leaving home remains a significant shock to the system.

              3. goddessoftransitory*

                Not only is it ridiculous in terms of the cat’s care itself, most hotels and Air BnBs react to the request to bring a housecat in the same way they would hearing “I’m also bring an large Bengal tiger that hasn’t eaten in a week and has a bladder condition.”

                I get that too many lousy owners permit destruction and filth, but honestly, the hardest part of a recent emergency relocation? Was finding a place that would specifically allow cats. One elderly cat who sleeps all day long.

                1. Need To Know*

                  “I’m also bring an large Bengal tiger that hasn’t eaten in a week and has a bladder condition.”

                  As long as it isn’t a dog…

                2. Lia*

                  It is so hard to find accommodations that take cats. Like, SO HARD. If you’re not staying in a metro area, forget it. Sleep in the car or smuggle the cat into the Days Inn.

        3. amoeba*

          “At my first on-site, the only other coworkers in my department resigned. Instead of being the junior member of a small remote team as I expected, I was suddenly THE team.”

          Am I missing something? The letter says it was a department of two and the only other person quit. Which makes it much less dramatic and surprising, imho.

          2. Silver Robin*

            where are you getting that only one other person resigned? Multiple coworkers quit: “the only other coworkerS quit”.

            1. MigraineMonth*

              I missed the “s” the first time, too, and thought it was a single coworker. Didn’t catch it until the reread.

          4. EvilQueenRegina*

            Coworkers, plural, resigned as per that sentence – where does it say department of two? The only mention of two-person I see is the cat care?

          5. jtr*

            Hmm, maybe OP can comment, but I would read “only other corworkerS” as plural, more than one coworker on the team.

          6. candle hoarder*

            I don’t read that as two necessarily but it seems likely the department is very small. If it’s just one or two people it’s not quite the big sign of dysfunction that a lot of us are assuming.

            There are a few pretty important details missing from this letter that would shine some more light on this situation. I was curious about the team size and I’ve been wondering how much travel OP agreed to when accepting the job offer.

          7. Zephy*

            I didn’t take that line to mean it was a department of two – LW says “coworkers,” plural. Are you assuming “the junior member” means “of two members, the other of which is the senior member”? Because it can also just mean “the newest hire on a team of more than two.”

          8. Lenora Rose*

            coworkers, plural, even in the bit you cited, and there’s nothing saying department of two anywhere; the two-person job is the cat care.

            It could have been as few as two coworkers who quit at once, though, and honestly I’m picturing 2 because 3-5 people resigning simultaneously just as new blood is onboarding would be a MUCH larger part of this letter.

            What I thought seemed unclear is whether the LW is doing the work of those other people as well, as Alison’s reply seems to think, or if they were simply replaced by non-remote workers, leaving LW as the only coworker offsite but not also burdened by filling in for multiple people.

            If she is filling in for multiple people, then extra yikes on the office not being communicative for the first while, even if the LW exacerbated that on their own end, because that’s a lot to put on the new person.

            If the remote workers were all replaced but by in house, and they’re making this big a deal of the travel, then the writing is on the wall; rightly or wrongly, this office does not really want remote workers.

        4. Worldwalker*

          I’m thinking they didn’t want to leave without someone to cover that department, and with some assurance that the company would hire to replace them. Once they thought that was the case — met the new hire and all — they bailed. Which does imply that they might not have jobs waiting, either, but were just desperate to get out of there, and potentially had plans to go to grad school, or had skillsets that were in high demand, or wanted to take a sabbatical year, or wanted to finish their novel (31 years later as of tomorrow, I never finished my novel), or a lot of other things. But as soon as they thought their positions would be backfilled, they left. That says a lot about the company, and none of it is good.

          1. Ceanothus*

            Like if they turned in their notice that day, possibly? Maybe? If OP were not junior? I worked in an office where the legal secretary delayed leaving on extended disability leave until her replacement had been on staff for a couple of weeks. (That place DID have bees though.)

            It’s still a red flag if they were best friends who wanted to go to grad school together and the boss hired someone junior to cover for both of them starting their last day at that job.

      3. Hannah Lee*

        Even without the sick cat and even with the shift in expectations about travel, it STILL seems like this company, boss have not set LW up to be able to succeed in this position.

        – Department that was fully staffed with LW as the new hire suddenly becoming a department of one … with no movement to staff back up
        – LW, brand new … as the only remote employee in the organization
        – LW’s boss not proactively making sure new hire is regularly communicating, is engaged, has ongoing check ins, etc … especially right after the rest of the department bailed. Like … you don’t leave a new hire out out their drifting all alone. (Yes, LW says they own some of this, but a good manager would not allow a new hire to go quiet without addressing it and initiating more contact)
        – LW’s boss doesn’t seem to be doing a great job of looping in LW day to day, but is instead relying on rare in-person gatherings (these once a month HQ meetings).
        – The employer changing expectations about travel frequency, seeming to creep into more and more travel expected

        Not knowing anything else about the situation, my hunch is that the company (or at the least, this manager) is not experienced managing remote employees. and, worse, has no interest in managing a remote employee.

        And it may be a case of LW having been a good fit for a need that existed in that department when the other staff were in place, but after they quit, having this one remote employee in LW’s role no longer makes sense. (and possibly worse, the former staff having had lots of input into hiring LW vs someone at HQ really pushing for it) And instead of proactively addressing that, manager/employer are just passively leaving LW out their while they figure out next steps. So no one at the main office is really invested in LW as an employee, or with that role continuing as it is because they don’t see it remaining as it is long term.

        In that case, the shifting expectations of the position including increasing travel requirements and impatience over LW’s response are symptoms of a situation that was already iffy, rather than a cause.

        Pet parent duties aside, LW should think through whether they’d have any interest in this role with the new travel requirements, or even a non-remote role with that company. Because my sense is that those are the only choices that are possibly on the table from the company’s standpoint, even if boss/leadership aren’t being that blunt about it. And that even those options may not be a sure thing going forward.

        Because if the answer is “no” or “meh”, LW could be much better off cutting their losses now, firing up an active job search for a role that better fits their needs instead of wasting time, effort on trying to solve this current pet care/travel issue with their current employer.

        And it’s an easy talking point when interviewing … LW’s looking for a new job because their entire department quit right after they were hired, hasn’t been replaced and the role has changed.

        1. MigraineMonth*

          I’m so sorry, LW, but I think this is a good point. Starting remote at a new company is challenging even when the stars align and everything is set up for you to succeed.

          Starting remote as the only remote employee, as the only employee in your department with no one to show you the ropes, with poor communication from your boss and all the issues with your cat pulling you away from work… the odds are really stacked against you.

          1. Rebecca*

            I’d venture to guess that the senior members of the team were frustrated that they weren’t allowed to work remotely, but OP was hired to be fully remote. OP says she’s the only remote employer.

            None of that is OP’s fault, of course, but that’s a bad situation to walk into. People in other departments are also likely to be frustrated at how this played out. OP is not set up for success here, and the truth is that it’s time to look elsewhere.

            1. Kella*

              There’s really nothing in the letter to suggest that’s why they quit. We know nothing about the circumstances around why this company has only one remote employee or the ex-coworkers’ feelings about that arrangement.

        2. Worldwalker*

          “The entire department quit” is a good way to say the company/manager sucks without coming out and saying it, too.

        3. The Dog Whisperer*

          Not knowing anything else about the situation, my hunch is that the company (or at the least, this manager) is not experienced managing remote employees. and, worse, has no interest in managing a remote employee.

          Which is legitimate. The company may want a largely in-office staff, and they’re doing OP a favor by making an exception for her, in which case *she’s* the one who needs to be proactive about check-ins.

          1. Nah*

            If they weren’t interested at all in a remote worker (and at the point that OP was hired, still had the rest of the departement), they weren’t being held at gunpoint to hire a remote worker. Unless OP is a rockstar or other VIP for the industry (which no offense to them, is not indicated in their letter) it makes zero sense to me that they would “be doing them a favor”. They should have just hired an in-person worker in the first place if they don’t want to actually commit to remote working.

        4. Nah*

          Much more elegantly phrased than the complete word-salad I had started typing! if you’re reading this, Letter Writer, please take heed and brush that resume back off, being the sole member of this department they might not necessarily be planning to get rid of you at the moment, but the resentment between yourself and what seems like every other point of contact in the company is not going to resolve well for you at this rate.

          Wishing you (and your kitty) well though, and best of luck finding a place that’s not full of bees to work!

      4. AnonInCanada*

        THIS! There are more red flags being flown around OP than a parade in Tiananmen Square. They set them up to kick a field goal through the uprights, then moved the goalposts the moment they kicked the ball. There’s a definite reason why the entire team walked out just as you were being on-boarded. While I’m not sure how easy it will be to find out from them preemptively, I wouldn’t want to find out the hard way!

        1. OP*

          Folks, thank you for your interest in the situation! I don’t want to be too specific for anonymity reasons, but I want to put to bed that the department was two other people and they had been asking for a third (me!) for at least a year before they finally hired me. They left together and clued me in later to the reasons that they left. This role also needs to build a lot of technical and subject-matter expertise, so I’ve been Googling a lot and floundering for technical guidance – not just junior-level “norms-of-our-workplace” or “here’s how we make teapots here” kind of stuff.

          1. MigraineMonth*

            I don’t want you to reveal anything you aren’t comfortable with, but by any chance were the reasons they left to do with management, particularly lack of adequate support or unclear communication?

            1. OP*

              Since I said it already, I’d reiterate that they’d been asking for help for a year already before I was finally hired. The rest I’d keep with them!

    4. M2*

      Honestly I don’t know if it was a bait and switch. What exactly was said about travel or on the job description? I am very clear with people during these months you travel on average 2 weeks out of the month and these month you might have “some” travel which means occasionally a short trip 1x month. On the job description it usually gives a %. I have had people come back to me and say the same thing about some travel and that was not was said in the interview or the job description. I am very clear, but people hear what they want especially when they want a job.

      It also sounds like as a remote employee you’re not communicating as well as you should and this might be why they want you in the office once per month. Many organizations are retiring to the office more because of things like this. Make sure you’re available and do your work so people know you are actually working. Also, an FYI most organizations monitor when you actually work or can monitor it. People think mouse movers or signing into a software will make it seem like they are working. So if this is the case your boss might have this information it be able to access it.

      I don’t see why you have had to miss three events in the last 3 months. You say your finance helps, they can’t take care of the cat for one of these events? I had a very sick dog years back and my husband and I switched off. We also both had to leave and hired an experienced pet sitter. These are all options for you and most people with pets know this. I think most people are understanding but they want to see you make an effort. Missing the last 3 events isn’t making an effort.

      I think if you did some of the travel and made an effort people would be less inclined to have an issue. Honestly, if I were your boss I would probably say it’s a mismatch and ask you to find something else. I’m all for giving grace but missing major events and travel for long periods when you are a new employee and it’s not a major family or health issue to me isn’t great. This is now extra work for other people to do. I had to cover travel for a colleague for 8 months and I was happy to do it but it was a drain on me and my family. If they on top if not doing their travel also wasn’t communicative or do their work when they came back would make me feel disrespected. Other people also have stuff.

      You need to talk with your boss. If your cat lives months or years it isn’t sustainable or fair to your team.

      But honestly, people who work remote are usually asked to come back to the office when it’s clear they aren’t getting what needs to get done at home. Many people are usually in denial about it. Also in many industries “some”travel is considered 1x a month. Next time your interview ask specifics if they say some travel. Ask for how often per month, where to, etc.

      3. Lenora Rose*

        The LW said “I made one conference in August, but things [with the cat] went poorly while I was away.” it sounds like they missed 2/3 of the last 3 months, not 3/3.

      4. Female canine*

        I agree. Especially a newer employee who is “the team” needs more support and more, IDK the best term, but the opportunity
        for osmosis of work place expectations/skills/how it all comes together that comes naturally if working with others in person.

      5. Minimal Pear*

        OP does say that treating the cat is a two-person job, so the fiancé probably can’t do it very well on their own while OP is away. That might be why OP said it didn’t go well the one time they travelled.

      1. A Girl Named Fred*

        And this is one of the reasons that expectations need to be laid out from both sides. To me, once a month falls into the category of “regular” travel, not “some”. Some is a couple times a year, maybe once a quarter or something, and even that feels fairly regular IMO. But I’m someone who hates traveling, so if I saw “some” travel on a job ad I’d either immediately self-select out or ask for as specific of details as they could provide.

        1. Managed Chaos*

          I think this is why it is so important to be up front in an interview whether you’re the interviewer or the interviewee. Last year, I was interviewing for a job that said it was remote but you’d have to travel to the home office “some.” I asked what that meant, thinking it might mean (like my previous remote job) once or twice a year. To the new place, it meant 2-3 times a month. I knew this meant it wasn’t a good fit for me.

          1. Aggretsuko*

            Yeah, “some travel” needed to be defined ahead of time, and then when the job changed, for sure. I would assume “some travel” might be a few times a year, but they might mean a few times a month, or more than that.

          2. I Have RBF*

            Yeah, that is a real good point. To management “some” might mean weekly, whereas to most employees that’s more like quarterly.

            When I took my current remote job, I said I was okay with quarterly travel. With my wife now on hospice, I have had to tell my manager that’s out, and he is fine with it. My manager and workplace have been really, really supportive about my wife’s medical issues, and I love them for it.

        2. M2*

          As a hiring manager I have never hired or applied for a role that didn’t give specifics about travel. Usually they give a % and during the interview tell you more or you ask!

          Occasional travel is usually a couple times a year. Some travel I see as 1x each month or every other month and frequent travel is frequent. But I have never hired someone without explaining how it usually is (although I do explain sometimes it changes). If I apply for a role and they aren’t clear I ask about how often is the role expected to travel each month, to where, and how.

          I like certain airlines unless they are really expensive so I ask those questions too. I am
          Now able to travel business after 5 hours. I interviewed for a role that was business only after 10 hours and they wanted layovers so basically it was never business travel. I asked and decided that isn’t what I wanted. With travel you as the employee also need to ask questions in the interview stage.

          I hired someone for a role and they knew they would have to do domestic and international travel 3-5x per year (which is not much in the sector). I travel once or more 9-10 months out of the year on average. So far this year they only went on 1 domestic trip! We discussed it but they have kids (so do I) and their spouse started a new role. So I’m giving them grace and doing their job when I travel.

          What does that mean for them? They were up for a promotion but they won’t get it because they aren’t doing a big part of their role. I was clear when they asked about being promoted to Director that it won’t happen until they start traveling more.

          They are excellent at things I hate to do and I like traveling so it worked out okay. If I leave they will be expected to travel more and they know and understand this and I told them next year they must travel a minimum of 3-4x. The key is communication for everyone and it seems to be lacking in this situation above.

          1. Arrietty*

            Definitely a terminology may vary situation – to me, occasional travel is once every few years. Some is a few times a year. Monthly would be regular travel (and completely unachievable for me).

          2. The Dog Whisperer*

            I like certain airlines unless they are really expensive so I ask those questions too….Now able to travel business after 5 hours. I interviewed for a role that was business only after 10 hours and they wanted layovers so basically it was never business travel. I asked and decided that isn’t what I wanted.

            Absolutely. I once turned down an offer because I was told that most corporate travel to Asia had to be on Delta. If I’m flying for work, it’s on Asian carriers. Business class for international trips goes without saying.

        3. Yadah*

          This is a good point because when I was reading it, their description sounded like it fit into the description of “some” travel to me.

          That said, the scope of the travel isn’t really defined in this letter either which I think has a big impact too. A couple hour drive a few cities over or a short commuter flight to the home office once a month would still fall within the scope of “some” travel to me, but a cross-country trip and staying in a different city for a few days every month would big a much bigger ask.

      2. Guacamole Bob*

        I do think it depends a bit on the logistics. If OP is across the country and whenever she flies out it’s a 3-4 day trip (or a redeye), that’s a huge difference from, say, someone who lives 90 minutes from the office and it feels like a long day but it’s not really “travel”.

        1. JFC*

          +100. My company’s headquarters is about a 90-minute drive (one way) from where I live. We have another office that’s about a 2.5 hour one way drive. I’d say I have to go to one or the other about every other month. Sometimes it’s a bit more, sometimes a bit less. That falls squarely into the realm of “some” travel for me. I never have to stay overnight and I’m usually there for a few hours. Having to deal with flights, hotels, overnight stays, etc. would be a totally different ballgame and not something that would be doable for me with that frequency.

    6. Festively Dressed Earl*

      Agreed. Even when I go over this in my head and give the employer the benefit of the doubt, it’s a bad situation.

      -At least one coworker in the department quit as soon as LW started. (Yes, I saw the convos downthread about how many people actually left.) Not a great sign. But let’s say it was 2 people and it was a coincidence.
      -CEO changed the travel requirement to once-monthly home office visits. And then LW mentions other conferences and events on top of that. That’s the third time the goalposts have been moved. Yes, LW should have clarified – but so should the CEO. Plenty of businesses are heavy on required travel – great, be up front about it if the job requirements LW signed up for changed, especially since this happened early in LW’s employment.
      -LW has an unexpected emergency situation in their life that won’t resolve right away. LW’s boss responded with irritation instead of empathy. Now we’re firmly into beehive territory.
      -LW’s coworker feels free to make judgmental comments about LW’s emergency (second bee) because that wouldn’t fly in the Army (unless LW is working in an actual warzone, that’s irrelevant and the third bee) based on scuttlebutt (fourth bee….).
      -LW’s boss knows the full extent of the situation and made another judgmental comment about missing travel, in front of at least one of LW’s coworkers. (We have a fully staffed hive.)

      Ultimately, the fact that it’s LW’s cat instead of a human is beside the point; at best this is a beehive committed to making honey, and LW took a position that involved planting flowers at most. At worst, this is a wasp nest.

      LW, I’m choosing to believe that your cat is going to respond wonderfully to treatment and that he’s going to be a highlight of remote meetings when he jumps in your lap. I also believe that will have to be at a different position that’s a better fit for you.

      1. The Dog Whisperer*

        Ultimately, the fact that it’s LW’s cat instead of a human is beside the point;

        It’s very much NOT beside the point: it’s at the crux of the matter.
        – Cats, even special needs cats, can be boarded; toddlers can’t.
        – Cats can be rehomed; toddlers can’t.
        – OP had the option not to take the cat; that’s untrue of kids after they’re born.

        1. Festively Dressed Earl*

          No, it’s not, in the sense that LW has an emergency in their life outside of work and their employer doesn’t care because they want LW available for work duties LW didn’t sign up for in the first place. That’s not reasonable, regardless of the reason why. If the employer had hired LW for a job that required travel at the outset and then LW could no longer travel because of their pet or an illness or childcare issues or whatever, that would be a very different story.

          1. Mingus*

            Yeah, LW did not agree to those duties (and those duties typically come with a higher salary because most people find it at least a little inconvenient to travel for work)

    7. Tiger Snake*

      I don’t think it was a bait and switch. No, it’s not a good fit, and maybe it’s not a great office; but it in this case OP’s circumstances have changed a lot more than the role’s.

      And it’s okay to realise that employee’s circumstances can change too. But three times isn’t a lot of travel, and of those she’s missed two and the third had problems. OP is recognising that there’s issues with her lack of attendance, but I think she’s hoping that they can be overlooked or downplayed because she had a reason, and that’s not a good thing because it makes her appear callous to not recognise and acknowledge the impact.

      1. Mingus*

        Working remotely was part of LW’s offered compensation package. it has real material, emotional, and financial impacts on an employee to withdraw or reduce that flexibility. personally – I’d need at least a $20k increase in salary if they wanted me to start flying into their home office once a month + additional conferences/events.

  2. dulcinea47*

    I had a cat with chronic pancreatitis that I took care of completely by myself for four years, including all the meds, fluids, etc. I hired petsitters when I needed to go away, they did everything but the fluids. Your fiance should be able to handle it well enough for a few days. If he can’t, hire a qualified pet sitter (vet tech) to help him.

        1. Slow Gin Lizz*

          My dad is also “Not a Pet Person” and I could 100% see him having this conversation with someone. Like me, for instance, though I know enough not to bring up pet care when I talk to him. (He’s kind of a jerk too, yup. Has no empathy, in the original sense of the word empathy, not the definition used by that jerk from yesterday’s letter.)

          I do wonder that not only does OP feel she needs to take care of the cat herself but also that she doesn’t want to be away if something happens to the cat. And I totally get that. Seems like her boss and job are not compatible with that sentiment, which would mean that she should probably cut her losses here and find a different job, which…easier said than done, of course, but doable.

          1. Rebecca*

            I am “not a pet person”. I just don’t get the emotional validation from a pet that most people seem to get. And I hate admitting that online, please don’t attack me. I don’t care if other people have pets, I just don’t care for dogs and cats. I’ll be polite, but I don’t like them.

            That being said, the human emotions surrounding pets are what matters to me, even if I don’t particularly care about the pets themselves. Those human beings are having very real human emotions, and it’s cruel and unnecessary to invalidate how they feel
            Would I ever take care of a cat like OP? Honestly, I would not. But what I would do is show genuine concern over OP’s feelings. Those are the feelings of a human being, and those matter.

            1. Jill Swinburne*

              As someone who is very much a pet person, I respect your point of view. I have a family member who is similar – she in fact actively dislikes domestic animals, but would definitely hug you and be as sympathetic as she knew how if you were upset about yours.

            2. Hroethvitnir*

              I’m sorry people are jerks about this. Most dedicated pet owners have experienced some truly callous comments from people who describe themselves as “not a pet person”, but that doesn’t make it OK treat everyone who says that badly.

              The part about empathising with the human’s emotions is the key! You’re a good person. And it’s truly shocking how many people cannot do that.

              As a vet nurse we used to significantly provide the service to our clients of people who understood and cared about their grief. Too often not a single person in their personal life had any sympathy, and at least one person would tell them to “just get another one”.

              I will never forget the elderly lady whose German Shepherd was basically her entire support system, and I never saw her recover, she just slowly stopped coming in to chat. :(

      3. Retirednew*

        Yes, we have had pets with chronic illnesses, and one or the other of us could always deal with them, and if there were times we couldn’t, there are plenty of vet techs here who are happy to make a little extra money coming to help. I don’t think this is tenable that the OP can keep saying she can’t travel to these conferences. It’s one thing to add days In the office, but it sounds like these conferences were always expected. If you don’t like the fact that you’re now the department that’s something to address with your boss separately. Maybe it’s not workable for you even if they do hire people if it’s not happening soon.

    2. Daphne*

      I agree here. You are not “sticking all the care on your fiancé.” You are sticking a couple days worth of care on your fiancé while you are gone, and then you are coming back and resuming care duties.

      Travel when you have a sick pet sucks, believe me, I know, I have been there. However, your mindset is as big a barrier to the travel as the illness.

      1. CityMouse*

        I’m also going to point out that, having gone through this with my mom’s dog, this isn’t something that gets better. You’re going to have to find a routine that isn’t constant crisis mode, because this is realistically going to be it until quality of life is such it’s unethical to continue.

        1. ampersand*

          Not to derail too much here, but not necessarily. I had a dog with pancreatitis—the vet didn’t think she would live, but she pulled through (and later died of an unrelated illness). It was touch and go there for a bit but it is possible for dogs at least to recover from this.

              1. OP*

                We shall see in a couple of weeks! He seems to be responding pretty well to treatment but it is touch and go on eating enough. Hasn’t been hospitalized or feeding tube’d, which are possibilities for really bad cases, and I think if the vet saw that as necessary I’d let him go rather than put him through that.

                1. TheBunny*

                  So…same cat but different medical condition…he tolerated the feeding tube REALLY well. It also helped with the meds he was on. This absolutely IS survivable for kitty.

                  Paws crossed for you both!

      2. ferrina*

        If your fiancé is comfortable doing this, then OP needs to let them do this.

        When I had a sick pet that needed regular fluids, meds, the works, I cared for it solo. It wasn’t a huge imposition; I was more than capable and happy I had the opportunity to provide such care to my pet in it’s home.

        BUT that depends on the fiancé being able to do it. My partner was completely unable to care for a sick pet on his own. He couldn’t get the cat to swallow its meds, he was hopeless at the fluids, and at times he mismeasured medications.

        OP will know what the fiancé is capable of, and fiancé knows what they are willing to do. If fiancé says they can do it and OP knows that they are capable, please take them up on it. Lean on your partner in hard times, the same way that you want them to be able to lean on you.

        1. Rebecca*

          I mean, I have 3 kids. My husband is gone all week and 2 of them are sick. He’s fully remote and I can usually work from home, so we normally tag team on these kinds of says.

          You call in the troops. I had my mom come over and called a friend to pick.the not-sick kid up from school.

          I really don’t see how this is any different. If your pet is your family, then you either ask family/friends or pay for help.

      3. Dido*

        Yeah, honestly… if OP was single I’m more than sure she would have found a way to take care of her childhood cat by herself rather than taking him to a shelter or something. None of the care she mentioned sounds like it’s impossible for one person to do for a few days.

      4. Prof_Murph*

        Having had many dogs over the years, I’m so sympathetic for caring for an animal and the stressors it brings. (Indeed, I cried to my boss when I lost my last dog.) That being said, I also have to say that if a co-worker repeatedly mentioned a sick cat as reason for interrupting various work responsibilities, I’d find that somewhat unprofessional. That may be the reality, but is also a function of being a professional – figuring out how to balance home and work responsibilities. Giving a sick cat as a reason to a boss or co-worker isn’t really great in the workplace. I think the cat is a red herring – that is, there are other problems in the workplace and the LW conflating the two. Taking care of a sick cat is the reality in their non-work life, but as other posters have mentioned, it’s better to simply look for clarification about the travel/responsibilities, rather than explaining the reason is because of a sick cat.

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Yes — if the LW wants to make this work, one option is to look into hiring a local vet tech to come help. You can often find them on Rover, through recommendations from local rescues, etc. (At least one rescue group here offers all of this stuff as a paid service to supplement their revenue, which I think is brilliant. They come here and trim all our cats’ claws, which we’re happy to pay for because it’s a donation to their rescue.)

      2. OP*

        These are great suggestions! I may be able to hire someone for when travel is necessary. It’s definitely sticking wrong due to unusual way these expectations were established.

        1. lost academic*

          You know, your vet almost certainly will board your cat for the durations you’ve talked about, and it would be trivial for them to do all the things that are required (having had 5 cats with complex end of life issues). It’s not free, but you seem to be uncomfortable asking others for help with this (e.g. fiance) so I’d have looked at that as Plan A.

          1. dulcinea47*

            it can be SUPER STRESSFUL on the cat, which makes their illnesses worse. I wouldn’t really advise this if it’s at all avoidable.

            1. Strive to Excel*

              In which case they’ll be at the vet, in the place of best possible care.

              Yes, there’s other options that are preferable, but if the option is vet board the cat or lose a job, one of those is likely going to be better for the cat in the long run!

              1. Ask a Manager* Post author

                Eh. Board them as an absolute last resort if there are no other options, but it would be truly the last option on my list for a cat. Many/most cats get deeply stressed by boarding at the vet, and in-home care is far preferable if there’s a way to make it work. (There are also illnesses where stress isn’t “she’s stressed while she’s there but then fine while she’s home again” but rather “the stress means her health is going to stay worse.”) Again, if it’s the only option, sure, but it probably isn’t.

                1. lost academic*

                  Yes, and I have experienced that with mine as well, but since it wasn’t brought up previously as an option I felt it needed to be said.

                  Sometimes discussing that there really are a lot of options out there can break the mental logjam of feeling like you’re the only one who could ever take care of a pet’s needs (or some other needs). Help is out there in lots of ways.

                2. goddessoftransitory*

                  Absolutely. My late Harvey was this kind of cat–vet visits stressed him out and when he had to go in for a tooth cleaning and wait until the drugs wore off, he’d hunch over and be miserable and not eat.

                  Peanut cat, on the other hand, is Mr. Congeniality and the techs all love him because he’s so down for pets and attention. But I think he’s a very rare case, and even with that, during our big stressful move situation I couldn’t bear the idea of boarding him for days and him not knowing where we were or what was happening.

            2. Worldwalker*

              With my two (only boarded when healthy, so I can’t speak to medical needs) they’re pretty cool with boarding at the vet — one because he’s never met a stranger and there are all these people (the vet techs absolutely love him) and the other because she just wants to be left alone to nap — she’s the worlds laziest cat! So it really depends on the cat. Neither of mine is shy around people or other animals, for instance.

          2. I'm just here for the cats!!*

            A lot of vets won’t board cats unless absolutely necessary (Like someone is having surgery and will be away for a few days and has no one else to look after the cat) It is also very stressful for the cat. Unlike dogs, who go outside of their home more, Cats typically stay in their home and changing the environment is extremely hard on them. especially being put in a cage. Unlike a dog who will get walked, the vets might not be able to allow the cat out to roam and stretch and such.

          3. Alicent*

            I’m a veterinarian and we don’t board cats because NO ONE is here outside of working hours, especially those with delicate health issues. Almost zero general practice vets have 24/7 staffing these days and would not be able to assist your kitty in an emergency.

              1. Alicent*

                Dogs as well with health issues, but we try to avoid cats because it’s a really terrible environment to be in for them. We have turned away dogs that don’t handle boarding well.

            2. goddessoftransitory*

              That’s the big thing! I can’t think of a local practice that could afford to have 24-7 staff.

        2. Productivity Pigeon*

          Maybe you’ve ended up in a bit of an all-or-nothing thought trap?

          That the only solution to help your cat is to stop traveling completely?

          As many people have pointed out, there are many possible ways to solve this with a little bit of creativity and flexibility and, perhaps most of all, willingness to do so.

          1. Smithy*

            Yes – it may also feel particularly unkind to have to change so much personally when the job itself has changed. Putting aside the travel expectations, being on a team of 2 as the junior staff member to having that person leave suddenly can feel fairly disruptive on its own – but then add in the challenges at home with the ill pet and increased travel expectations, being told that you’re the one who needs to continue to change reasonably feels unfair.

            Now all of that change and the current job duties may make this job a bad fit. But I think the OP will help themselves if they’re able to sort out the difference between this job being an overall bad fit vs being overwhelmed with all of the changing expectations.

              1. Smithy*

                Yeah – I mean even if this job isn’t *the* job for the OP – being intentional about the exact issues at hand will help them when looking for a new job.

                The OP mentions that events are associated with their role – and obviously there are jobs that can be related to events where you don’t attend – but generically speaking if your job includes events, being asked or expected to be at the event isn’t uncommon. So if that’s a task the OP doesn’t want to be involved with going forward – that’s great information to know!

                On the flip side, if this employer is more the issue – than figuring out these adjustments at home for a job with a different employer may feel less burdensome or overwhelming.

        3. Momma Bear*

          I have had to hire someone for medical critter care while I was away for various reasons. Some of them work out better than others, so make sure you are comfortable with them well in advance. Your local vet techs might be a good resource, either to hire or to suggest someone. It’s pricey to have someone come to (or stay in) your home for such things, but it may be worth it as you decide what to do about this job, or just travel/vacationing in general.

        4. Bitte Meddler*

          Thank goodness your fiance is there and your cat is comfortable with them.

          I have three cats with chronic conditions and one of them can literally only be grabbed and treated by me. The other two were adopted when my now-ex was living in my house, so they know him. He can step in and give fluids, insulin, pills, and transdermal meds when I have to travel overnight for work.

          But the nature of the 3rd cat’s illness means I can’t be gone longer than two overnights or she’ll end up having to be hospitalized when I come back.

          In your situation, OP, your fiance should be able to round up and hold the cat (even burrito-izing, if necessary, while the sitter / vet tech does the dirty work of poking and pilling.

          Sorry your employer changed up your role in the manner they did. That sucks.

      3. RLC*

        My friend does this with her dogs, has said it’s the best solution ever for them.
        With our cats’ health crises in recent years and me being out of town A LOT caring for elderly parents, my husband has had to obtain assistance to administer subcutaneous fluids, force feeding, etc. Our vet (thankfully close to our home!) set up daily appointments outside of usual clinic hours for one of the technicians to provide the care. Maybe your vet has some suggestions? Fingers crossed for finding a good solution!

      1. BigLawEx*

        This is what we did when we had infusions going on with a cat. Turns out they did and it allowed us to travel.

    5. Dadjokesareforeveryone*

      I’m so sorry about your cat, and I hope she ends up recovering. I’ve been there with pills, fluids, and manual feedings when we discovered our cat had kidney failure, and know how difficult it is emotionally and logistically.

      Some of what you’re describing can be done with the assistance of a vet tech, and if its an occasional trip your work wants I think you need to look into that. I also tried cat holder bags to hold my cat while I fed her, distracted her with Churu for fluids, and had her on a chair facing away to give her pills. I don’t know if any of that would help you, but may be something worth looking into.

      1. OP*

        He’s bonkers for Churus, and it has helped injections, but he’s too smart to take his pills that way now. I’ve been putting them in small gelatin capsules to disguise the taste, but he’s spitting them out and milking me for more Churu. At least it worked for a couple days!

        1. Nicosloanica*

          FWIW, I checked with my vet that it was okay to grind up my senior kitty’s pills, then used a mortal and pestal to grind them into powder and mix them into the churu.

          1. Orv*

            I did the same thing for our cat when she was temporarily taking pills. She was impossible to pill, and if she encountered a hard pill in her food she’d spit it out, but if I moistened the pill so it was soft I could fold it into her food and she’d eat it.

        2. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

          Is there a vet compounding pharmacy in your area that can do a liquid formulation of the meds? Squirting them directly into the cat’s mouth worked for our very pill-hating cat.

          1. Debby*

            And, OP, your local vet is able to order the meds in a liquid form for you. I had a cat that needed thyroid medicine and it had be shipped from another city, which means I had to plan ahead. But it was worth it-and, I didn’t have to give it orally anymore. It went on the inside of his ear flap. Sooo much better and easier :)

            1. themonk*

              Yes, rubbing the medication into my cat’s ear worked well for me. She didn’t love it, but it was more doable than other forms of administration, which she resisted with all her might and claws. This kind of formulation isn’t really “liquid”–it’s called a “transdermal gel.” Your vet will know.

              1. OP*

                He hates fish flavors (loves cheese though) and one of the pills (Cerenia) is very bitter. I’ve had success chopping it up into small capsules so he can’t taste it and sliding it into a tube of Churu, but he’s wising up and starting to spit them out. Compounding is possibly an option, liquid or transdermal – he has one transdermal medication right now and it’s making the hair inside his ear fall off, so not ideal, but if it’d stop this battle over pills I’d take it.

                2. Scrubjay*

                  Cerenia/maropitant also comes in a liquid form that can be injected subcutaneously, you just have to wait a bit longer for it to kick in.

                3. Gkat*

                  I can’t reply to the person that suggested injectable cerenia, but that injection stings super bad according to a lot of cats that I’ve injected. I’d highly suggest pill masker or pill wrap or transdermal instead.

                4. goddessoftransitory*

                  Pills are the WORST. I have to crush our cat’s thyroid pill to powder and mix it into tuna/wet food to get it into him.

        3. M*

          It may be worth talking to your vet about whether there are any local compounding pharmacies they have a relationship with.

          One of my family friends had an end-of-life kitty who needed pills twice a day, and was a real monster about them. She was a medical professional, and her solution was to call up a compounding pharmacy and have them make up the meds *suspended in tuna oil*, which she could just drizzle on her cat’s food as required. It won’t work for all meds, and local regulations may make it tricky, but if it’s an option it’s so worth it.

        4. I'm just here for the cats!!*

          can you ask your vet for a liquid. If my cats need to have a procedure done they vet gave me a gabapentin pill. I cannot get them to take the darn things. A coworker also has a cat that needs gabapentin to go to the vet and he gets it in liquid. I talked to my vet and they can do that for me too. So maybe see if their is a liquid version. Also if they come in capsules you may be able to hide it in the food by carefully taking apart the capsule .

        5. Momma Bear*

          Consider liquid (some human pharmacies do compounding for animals) or transdermal meds if it’s appropriate.

        6. I'm A Little Teapot*

          Various pet med options you can consider:
          1. compounding into liquid or transdermal
          2. grind pill and mix into food/treat
          3. pill pockets (my cat LOVES getting her pill because it’s a treat! and I have to give the other cat a treat at the same time to keep it fair. so now, they’re both begging for their treats/medicine)
          4. pill shooters (seriously these can be magic, and can be really low stress for some cats)

        7. K*

          I don’t know if you can get this/if it would work for your cat, but Easypill pill putty has been brilliant for mine (who is very food-motivated): she basically considers her pills treats, and happily chomps them down without pausing to extract the pills.

        8. Bitte Meddler*

          Transdermal meds saved my (and my cats’!) sanity!

          Transdermal prednisolone.
          Transdermal [generic] Cerenia.
          Transdermal amlodipine.
          Transdermal mirtazapine.

          I order everything from Chewy.

    6. T.N.H*

      Completely agree. I am a huge pet person and have absolutely missed work for them, but never a major event like this. You need a back up plan for the big stuff and that will allow you to say, sorry but no to the stuff that was sprung on you.

    7. Fluffy Orange Menace*

      Yes. There are pet sitters and in our are even home visiting Veterinarian “nurses” who will do those sorts of things. My daughter’s pet needed insulin shots and Rover ensured she had a caregiver qualified to do so. You could also board the cat at the vets for a day or two. It feels like you don’t want any other option but “well it’s gotta be me and no compromising.” I’m a pet lover. I feel you; I just lost 2 beloved pets in the last year, but, you have to either get a different job, or make this work. If I were your coworker and I were carrying the bulk of the load for conferences etc… because “my cat” I’d be pretty resentful. As much as I loved my pets–they are not children. They are not disabled parents. They are pets, and there are options for care.

      1. Figaro*

        Yes the impact on colleagues is important. What if coworker *was* a pet person? What if their pets or children or spouses or parents get sick? What about everyone else’s need for flexibility? This doesn’t seem sustainable and that’s probably what’s bothering the boss.

    8. Binky*

      I’m trying to have charity, as I’m not a pet person myself, but I have to say I’m struck by how little problem solving OP is doing.

      OP is not doing anything to make it possible to travel, like hiring help for her fiance. And instead of talking to her boss to clarify expectations, timelines, the future of the team, OP is just ducking out of key responsibilities and refusing to travel for an indefinite time period with no real communication. It’s not sustainable. Does Boss know OP’s time frame for no travel? Does OP know how much travel is expected, and whether that’s a stop gap or the new job requirements?

      OP needs to figure out how to do some travel in a way that works for her family and talk to her boss to get on the same page. Otherwise it looks like she’s going to be out of a job.

      I say this as a single mother who struggles to travel in a job where I was told that I’d travel once every-other year, and instead is traveling 2-3 times a year. Sometimes you have to suck it up. But if the new requirements are really not workable for you longterm, then look for a new job.

      2. Lenora Rose*

        Since they did travel once in the last 3 requests (“I made one conference in August, but things went poorly while I was away.”) which is the entire, so far, duration of the relevant cat care, and they’re now asking for advice. That sounds like they have made at least some good faith effort; I don’t know if we can say they didn’t do any problem solving.

      4. Ellis Bell*

        Honestly, I think writing in to a workplace blog known for its cat fandom is a pretty good place to start with the problem solving.

    9. Butterfly Counter*

      This was my thought.

      I am absolutely dedicated to my pets. No doubt, I love them more than my job by miles.

      However, this is entirely solvable.

      Leaving the cat with your fiance is one solution. You just don’t like it much and feel it puts too much labor on your fiance for a cat he didn’t necessarily sign up for. I get it. But this is when you start throwing money at the problem. My first thought was asking your vet to take the cat for the 2 or 3 days your gone so they can care for your pet as needed. They have all the tools and tricks and they are specifically trained to help. It would be $$$, but you’re currently employed. Hiring a vet tech for just a few hours a day is probably more budget conscious, and, again, you will have a professional helping out. I love this solution.

      So, it seems that your options are traveling once a month or so, making $$$ that you can use to pay the vet for help when you’re gone, or losing the job, having no income, but not needing to spend it on help with your ill cat.

      To me, it seems like the question is, “Do you like your job enough to do this traveling?” because that’s really the issue, no so much your cat’s health.

      1. GammaGirl1908*

        This is important to note because, to be frank, this is one of those times where there are plenty of solutions; it’s just that LW isn’t crazy about any of them.

        Unfortunately, you aren’t entitled to an ideal solution. Nothing LW described is something that absolutely can’t happen. It’s all just not 100% ideal. Sometimes you have to go with the 71% ideal solution.

        SOMETHING needs to change, and it’s up to LW to decide whether it’s the situation with the cat or the situation with the job.

        1. Erin*

          This is a good point – I’ve been trying to accept a lot more that there is rarely a “secret option C” that is the ideal solution I want, instead I need to look at option A and option B and figure out which is best option for me.
          I feel like the employer is not being as sensitive as LW wants, but they are not completely wrong. We have a toddler, a dog, and 3 cats, and we used to foster kittens, and I still travel for work when needed. It’s not ideal and it’s not flawless but it’s best option for me.
          I do feel this is where I might be a manager too long, I would be frustrated as employer as travel was discussed, it sounds like it’s for events related to projects, and LW digging in their heels to say no more travel until their cat recovers or passes isn’t very collaborative. I doubt the co-worker peer was gossiping, the manager may not have known how to explain the passes being given for job duties.
          I would flag the LW said this was chronic pancreatitis (not acute), so I doubt this will resolve to full recovery regardless of age.

    10. toolegittoresign*

      I was coming here to recommend getting a qualified pet sitter to come and help with the medications. My good friend is a vet tech and she does this sort of thing as a side gig all the time. If your fiancé is good with doing the injection part and just needs someone to hold the cat, you might not even need a vet tech, just someone who has experience with that sort of thing. Talk to your boss to get a clear understanding of the travel needs, then figure out a budget and plan for getting petsitter help. If it’s going to be really costly, bring that up to your boss. It would at least show you are trying to make the travel work.

    11. Percy Weasley*

      Excellent suggestion! Yes to hiring professional help. Lots of vet techs do pet sitting and the peace of mind is worth every penny.

    12. That Crazy Cat Lady*

      Even though I wholeheartedly agree with hiring a qualified peter sitter as a solution, I think one of the concerns is that the cat may pass away while OP is traveling, which would of course be devastating. My soul cat died while I was away several years ago and I’ll never completely get over that.

      All of this is to say that it sounds like this job is, unfortunately, fundamentally incompatible with what OP is able to offer right now.

    14. Art3mis*

      I agree with hiring a vet tech or a pet sitter that’s experienced with this. I have a cat with CKD that needs fluids and occasional injections. I went out of town last month and showed my husband how to do the fluids. I offered to hire someone but he insisted he could handle it. No, he couldn’t. Next time I’m hiring someone. Luckily I don’t travel a lot.

    15. SpaceySteph*

      Yeah I kind of get the impression that OP doesnt want to travel and thought the cat would be a good excuse. I get it, I’ve been invited to work meetings out of state and pulled up my calendar like “please let me find a good excuse to avoid this!” Sometimes I do (like the meeting I just got invited to on Rosh Hashana and I was like “sorry I cannot, I’ll be observing a religious holiday”) and sometimes I gotta suck it up and go.

      If you don’t want to make the travel work then leave the cat out of it and focus on negotiating the travel frequency, especially now that work has made it clear they don’t think the cat is a good excuse.

    16. frostipaws*

      I’m so sorry about your kitty! Just wanted to mention medical consults as an option. Fundamentally Feline (www.fundamentallyfeline.com) offers medical consultations by a certified cat behavior consultant. (I have no purrsonal experience working with her, but I have learned so much from her work!)

    17. MistOrMister*

      Hiring someone to help if needed sounds like a good compromise. I have never dealt with pancreatitis, but the things OP mentioned are all things I have heard can be done by one person. OP is probably very emotional about the situation (which I completely understand) and is perhaps not approaching it as rationally as possible. Hopefully they will get a good routine for the cat and things will work out with the job.

  3. Viki*

    Perhaps there is more travel than mentioned here in the letter, because it appears it’s only one event/travel thing a month. Which I think is the definition of “some”.

    When you’re the only remote person/the only team that’s remote, visibility and availability is key. And as a huge cat lover, with a cat that is hard to pill that it’s a two person job, I still wouldn’t accept that as a consistent reason to miss a travel day. Once yeah, of course. But on a consistent basis, no

    1. CityMouse*

      Yes, my spouse once early in his career got his hotel report and raised he’d spent more nights in hotels than at home (it has calmed down). Once a month really isn’t a lot of travel in many industries.

      1. So they all cheap ass-rolled over and out fell out*

        In my industry/role, traveling every month would be more than “some.” I don’t think know if the salespeople even travel that much!

          1. CityMouse*

            Yeah my husband has circumnavigated the globe for work travel. Like a one night in Chicago barely registers.

          2. doreen*

            I’m going to assume the events require overnight travel – but it’s not clear if the “travel to the home office” does. I’m wondering if there’s any chance that the boss meant “some overnight travel” and the LW heard “some travel to the office 90 minutes from your home”.

            1. Banana Pyjamas*

              That’s what I thought as well. It seems LW heard some travel and is counting the in office days as travel. That’s how the letter reads to me anyway. I wouldn’t consider in office days as travel.

              1. Arrietty*

                Depends how remote remote is – at my last job, I was responsible for the cost of travelling to the office once a quarter as required. Fortunately it wasn’t required, because it was a seven hour drive.

        2. ferrina*

          It would be a lot in my current role as well, but at other roles in my company, it would be the norm. It all depends on OP’s role/company.

    2. Dust Bunny*

      Yeah, I would have considered once a month to be within the reasonable bounds of “some travel” (for the record my job involves no travel and I would not want to take a job that involved “some travel” for various reasons, cat-related and otherwise). I also have a cat who has chronic pancreatitis but apparently it’s not as severe as this as she’s been chugging along on a pill every other day for years (I dissolve it into her food). I’m afraid I think the needs of the OP and her cat and the needs of the job may have irrevocably diverged.

    3. Rex Libris*

      I think it’s really industry dependent. I’d think anyone in my field who expected you to travel more than a couple times a year was bonkers.

    4. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      I disagree that once a month travel is some travel. I would say some travel would be a few times a year. Once a month travel is regular travel.

    5. Potsie*

      I thin the fact that OP was hired with the expectation of “some travel” and no clear definition of what that entails is the root of the problem. “Some” is a very vague word and means something different to everyone. Once a month can be “some travel” so can twice a year. And now both sides feel mislead.

    6. Yorick*

      As a pet lover, I’d totally understand if a person couldn’t travel to a particular event because of a pet emergency. But I’d frown upon missing regular, planned travel because of longstanding pet issues that the person would have had time to figure out.

    7. CorgiDoc*

      I guess this is really reaffirming for me to get a more precise idea of what “some” travel would be in general when applying for a job because I personally would assume “some” to be 3-4 times a year at most.

      1. Figaro*

        Yes. And I don’t think it’s unreasonable that the employer may assume you would find out what “some” means if you’re really restricted in what travel you can do.

      2. Nah*

        This, definitely. Once a month *plus* conferences and events is definitely firmly into “regular” travel for me, “some” travel is maybe once conference a quarter at most. (And for completion’s sake, multiple times a month would be considered “frequent” travel.)

    8. ElliottRook*

      Maybe I’m wildly out of step–most of my jobs have been non-office jobs–but once-a-month travel does not sound like “some” travel to me? I’ve been in the workforce for nearly 20 years and only just this month took my first-ever overnight work trip (despite working 6 years in transportation, haha). I’d call once-a-month trips “frequent” and any more than that would have traveling in the job title (“traveling salesperson,” etc), like the sort of jobs where you’re going to your nationwide clients to oversee installation/maintenance of big software systems or equipment.

  4. Person from the Resume*

    As Alison said this hinges on what “some” travel meant, and if there was an understanding or possibly a misunderstanding about what that meant for the two parties.

    But it does sound like both sides have changed what they understood the agreement to be, though. And that’s worth a discussion and possibly parting ways if the LW can no longer travel at all.

  5. CityMouse*

    I’m a cat person, I’ve been through a painful sad decline of a cat, but the reality is, they mentioned travel during the interview and pet ownership isn’t really going to cut it, especiallywhen you elected to take ovwr care of this pet from your parents. Pet ownership also isn’t a legally protected class so it’s not like there’d be any legal issues if they choose to lwt you go over this.

    You have to ask if you want to keep this job and whether the travel is an issue.

    1. Nicosloanica*

      Honestly, when the published advice was that they would react differently if you were the single mom of a toddler, I kind of thought “I wouldn’t bet on that.” So there’s no way they’re going to give you slack for a beloved pet, IMO :( It stinks, having also fallen victim to a work
      from home bait-and-switch

      1. CityMouse*

        At least with a toddler you’d have FMLA protections but with an asterisk on that for various exceptions. But FMLA does not apply to cats.

        And also OP should definitely not compare a geriatric cat to a toddler with her employer. That will NOT go well.

        1. Female canine*

          FMLA only applies to larger organizations after 1 year of employment and, I think, 1120 hours of work.

      2. Boof*

        frankly a single parent of a toddler / solo care provider of someone very disabled shouldn’t be signing up for work that requires travel unless they have a clear plan on how to handle that – employers try to help employees but at the end of the day the whole relationship hinges around work for money transaction and if either side doesn’t hold up the deal it’s supposed to be done (in the current model; vs the other model where business takes care of employees whole needs for life, but only huge businesses can even attempt to do that and it really blurs a lot of lines I’d way prefer government or some other mechanism did that stuff)

        1. ferrina*

          It depends what the travel frequency is. If OP thought that they were signing up for “once or twice a year for 2-3 days at a time”, that’s different than “monthly for 3-4 days at a time”.

          I can get childcare for the first scenario; I couldn’t get consistent childcare for the second scenario. Both OP and the company should have clarified when the offer was made what the expectation for travel was. But even there, it sounds like the company changed its needs once OP started and OP isn’t okay with the new requirements. That’s pretty reasonable to be frustrated with.

          1. Person from the Resume*

            But it also sounds like it LW changed how much travel she was willing to do too.

            She went from vague undefined “some” to none while her cat needs this care for an indefinite amount of time. And she also admits she didn’t communicate well about this at least at some point.

  6. ABK*

    I travel a lot as a mom of 3 kids, so I understand how hard it is to manage it all. I put a lot of thought into what at home is valuable for ME to do, and prioritize those things. For everything else, I find help.
    So your cats treatments: 1. Pragmatics: it’s a 2 person job, but do you HAVE to be the second person every time? Is there someone else who can help your fiance while you’re away? 2. Emotions: I get that you want to be there for your cat, so that is a reasonable reason to not want to find another person to do the treatments. But that is a choice you are making and need to make compromises elsewhere (appeasing your job).

  7. Eusapia*

    It’s hard to tell, but it sounds like you didn’t have much of a conversation with your boss or coworkers, but instead just… stopped showing up to things? I sympathize, but that’s not a great look, especially since it sounds like it may have impacted your coworker’s workload as well. It also seems like you might come off a little combative and inflexible, which is probably not helping the situation. Maybe everyone will be inclined to give you some more leeway if you express willingness to work with them on solutions.

    2. CityMouse*

      Yeah just leaving an event without notice isn’t acceptable. That’s definitely something you can get fired over.

    3. Dust Bunny*

      Seconding, and that’s from someone who has brought kittens to work because they needed to be fed every couple of hours.

      Your boss sounds like a jerk but just digging in and refusing to do things, especially when you were told in the interview that they were part of the job, is not a good way to approach things.

    4. OP*

      Combative and inflexible sounds a bit like me! It’s been an emotionally difficult situation. Given our roles, I don’t believe my coworker’s workload has been impacted. I also gave as much of a heads-up as I could for the travel I missed.

      1. ferrina*

        You’ll catch more flies with honey than vinegar. But then again, either way you’re catching flies.

        In a healthy organization, you could tell your boss what your limitations are and why, and you and your boss could have a productive discussion on what you’ll commit to. That would likely include leaving the cat with your fiancé for a few days while you travel, but your boss would be very selective on what travel you need to do.

        Right now it sounds like you and your boss are each unilaterally imposing expectations on each other. I would say that you are less in the wrong, since they changed expectations after you started, but you’re still a bit in the wrong. Your boss is more wrong for abruptly changing expectations and offering unrealistic solutions (“take the cat with you?” Are the places you are staying cat friendly? Would you even have time to care for the cat, or would you be expected to be working on-site all day? ). Out of curiosity- is your boss like that in other work scenarios? Do they seem to change their mind abruptly and expect you to magically meet the new needs? I’ve had a couple bosses like that, and it doesn’t get better. Exiting sooner rather than later recommended.

      2. Six for the truth over solace in lies*

        If you can get a handle on the “combative and inflexible” part, that is going to help you enormously—if not at this company, then at the next one, where you may very well run into similar issues if your cat has the same high level of needs at that point. People are just generally more likely to give leeway if someone seems understanding and open to compromise, *especially* when that person is new and doesn’t have a lot of goodwill banked.

        1. Yadah*

          [i] People are just generally more likely to give leeway if someone seems understanding and open to compromise, *especially* when that person is new and doesn’t have a lot of goodwill banked.[/i]

          This is such an important element of this. Someone in OPs situation coming to the table, being overly communicative, working to create a functional situation for both parties is going to get WAY more goodwill and leeway.

          OP is showing up and saying “here’s what I’m doing, take it or leave it” without realizing that they’re probably going to choose to ‘leave it’ as soon as they’ve got a replacement lined up because they don’t have a good reason to go fight for OP to stay yet.

        2. Someone Online*

          Yeah, because right now it is a sick pet, but in the future it could be a different family member or a flooding bathroom or your own health issues, etc. etc.

      3. biobotb*

        I’m sorry it’s been so difficult, but being combative and inflexible when you should be trying to make a good impression in a new job is not a great way to build a good relationship with your employer.

  8. MassMatt*

    I sympathize with the LW but think they are wrong. The agreement on taking the job was that it would involve “some travel”. The LW thinks coming to the office once a month is moving the goalposts, but I think it’s the LW who has shifted the goalposts to “no travel”.

    LW also admits to making some mistakes re: not communicating, being rude, etc but doesn’t get into details.

    IMO their job is probably in jeopardy.

    1. Amy*

      My sentiments exactly and we’ll probably be eaten alive for this lol. I think this is one of these things that, when written out, makes the LW look really bad. And I am a pet person. But to not attend once a month type of things multiple times over because of a sick pet… that’s really putting the LW current job and future references in jeopardy. Does the vet’s office not do boarding?

    2. Meemur*

      Yeah, I agree. LW said they made one event in August but missed one in July and they’re missing one tomorrow. Unless there are other events not mentioned in the letter, LW has travelled once in three months

      LW, as another commenter said, get a pet sitter. I know it can be distressing to allow a stranger to care for your pet especially when they’re sick, but I do think of you keep flaking on real life events, you will be let go. That’s a far more stressful scenario

    3. Kes*

      It sounds like both, to me, and neither side has handled it that well. The coworker left, leaving all the travel on OP, which is more than originally planned. At the same time, it sounds like OP chose to take back on the responsibility of their cat after they started at the job, and on their side now expects to be able to do no travel, due to the cat situation, which is less than agreed.

      The boss shouldn’t be talking to the coworker about the situation, but it does sound like they are very frustrated with OP at this point – and OP even admits they haven’t handled it well.

      I do think OP needs to consider if this job, which it sounds like from the get-go was said to involve some travel, is really a good fit if they are now not okay with any travel due to the cat. (and yes, the cat could pass anytime, but it also might not)

      1. Isben Takes Tea*

        This is my feeling as well. It sounds like both sides feel the other has shifted the goalposts, and neither of them are wrong about that.

        But the end point is the job expectations have changed, and it’s time for a “good fit” re-evaluation. If the LW wants to stay, they need to take charge and come up with workable solutions to what was correctly (if callously) labeled a personal problem, instead of expecting the company to do all of the accommodating.

        Caregiving is hard, and the LW has my sympathy. I hope the cat is okay!

      2. Nicosloanica*

        This is an unfortunate combination because I’m not impressed with OP’s boss’s management here at all either, so you’ve got two sides that are not doing A+ communications.

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      This is a situation where probably everyone is at fault. OP hasn’t been communicating, isn’t trying to find solutions, etc. While at the same time, the employer dumped an entire team’s worth of work on one new hire.

      OP needs to take accountability for their actions.

      And yes, I have cats, I’ve had sick cats, I’m the person who does hospice care and puts down the cats. I get it. I am also in good standing at work and my boss loves me.

    5. Whale I Never*

      Yeah, and it also seems that LW is suggesting the boss is in the wrong for “gossiping” about the cat to the coworker… which I do sympathize with given that the coworker also seemed to be rude in his response, but it doesn’t sound to me like the boss is to blame for that! In my workplace it would be totally normal for my boss to say “oh, Nancy is out because her cat is sick/her daughter is home from school today/she has a doctor’s appointment.” With no further details, it doesn’t rise to the level of highly sensitive information that should be kept private.

      Definitely understand feeling frustrated/tired/defensive when trying to juggle work and a difficult home situation, but it might be one of those situations where the LW is coming off worse than they think they are, and that’s worth reflecting on.

      1. sparkle emoji*

        Yeah, the way LW wrote about that felt very charged. I know the coworker was rude and that sucks but the fact that they knew the absence was cat related isn’t wild to me. It doesn’t sound like they knew the details of the cats illness so it was probably just a “LW can’t attend because cat is sick”. That’s normal and it might help LW to stop thinking about it as gossip.

  9. GrooveBat*

    I found out my cat was dying of kidney failure two days before I was supposed to leave for an international business trip. There was no way I was going to leave her to die alone at the animal hospital, even if it meant quitting my job.

    Fortunately, a compassionate co-worker stepped in to take over the trip and I was able to be with her at the end. I’ll never forget that act of kindness. But I would not have thought twice about taking the career hit if they’d forced me to choose.

    OP, if this is a short trip and your kitty is not in imminent danger, you might want to explore getting assistance from a mobile vet tech to support your fiance while you are away. On the other hand, if you’re concerned she won’t be there when you get home, you need to decide whether this job is really worth it.

    1. Carly*

      I haven’t heard of mobile vet techs but that seems like a great solution here if it’s available in OP’s area!!

      1. Ginger Cat Lady*

        I’ve hired a vet tech on Rover. Not to do procedures (I think that might be out of their scope) but because I felt more confident in their pet sitting abilities knowing they were a vet tech. I’d previously hired a neighbor to watch my dog and she struggled to get my dog to take her pills, so she just….didn’t.
        Rover sitter who was also a vet tech did great and we used her many times.

    2. Lily Potter*

      GrooveBat, you’ve inadvertently hit on something very important in your response. The LW has nearly zero credibility at this job. They’re new, they’re remote, they’ve not done a good job communicating with their manager/co-workers, they’re blowing off a portion of their job. You had a co-worker willing to cover for you because you’d taken the time to build a relationship before you needed their help. The LW doesn’t have that, in part because they’re new and in part due to their own shortcomings. If this had happened two years in to a job where the LW had invested time in relationship building, they’d be in a better position now to deal with the issues caused by the cat. Relationships matter!

      1. GrooveBat*

        Oh, I agree re the relationships. I was very, very fortunate. But that experience was a clarifying moment in my career, because up until that day I’d always gone over and above for that job – yet in that moment I knew what mattered most to me.

      2. Bee*

        I also think you get a lot more leeway for a one-time end-of-life pet emergency! Especially when you’re established and your coworkers are willing to help you out, but even if the LW were brand new, I think everyone would understand missing one event to be with their dying cat. But they’re currently in the position of not being able to meet the job’s expectations on an ongoing basis for the indefinite future, without doing any kind of problem-solving about it, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the company to be frustrated by that. The boss is even trying to meet them halfway by suggesting bringing the cat along (which is almost certainly unworkable, but is more of a suggestion than the LW has made).

        1. Bast*

          It also helps if the boss is an animal person. My cat had a life or death emergency during 2020 (a nightmare trying to find emergency vet services in the midst of Covid) and I found my remote work interrupted by the need to bring my cat into the vet immediately. Luckily, my boss, while not a cat person, had several dogs that she loved, and had taken time off for to take to the vet for various emergencies before. She got it. Even in that situation with a boss who “got it” if my job had required travel and I could not travel for an undetermined period of time, it wouldn’t have gone down well. It would have been along the lines of, well, we’ll manage this month, but you need to have something figured out by next month. It would not have been allowed to go on indefinitely.

      3. ferrina*

        This is very true.

        Still, if I were the manager and I heard the words “sick cat needs fluids”, we would be talking about how we could cover the travel with minimum impact to the cat. Then again (very critically) I am both an animal lover and I have had to care for sick pets that needed fluids and understand how much work that is. It sounds like a clash of priorities and norms, exacerbated with terrible communication and unspecified/changing expectations.

      4. The Dog Whisperer*

        GrooveBat’s situation also differs from OPs in that it was a one-time emergency. Presumably after the cat’s passing she would be able to travel normally again. OP’s cat appears to require long-term care.

    3. OP*

      I agree! Part of my reluctance is knowing that I’d never forgive myself if I were away. He’s having some good days and bad ones, but if he’s in good condition next time I’m asked I’ll look into a vet tech.

      1. Productivity Pigeon*

        It sounds like you also need to make a plan for what to do if he’s not doing well next time you need to travel.

        What are the consequences if you say you can’t go?

      2. Clara*

        Realistically, if you do decide you want to keep this job, I think you’re going to need to proactively speak to your manager and tell them you’ve made a plan and organised to have a Vet Tech look after the cat for the duration of the next event, and do that, whatever their condition is. I’m not sure if there will be ‘next time’ otherwise…

        1. Tio*

          Yeah, I really think you’re kind of near the end of the rope on this job. I also think you really need to go to whatever the next thing is if you need to keep this job. But if you can come to your manager with your plan and options, and some kind of timeline (because “I can’t travel with a sick pet” when the pet could feasibly live for a year or more is just not going to be accepted, I’m sorry) then it would at least be a show of good faith.

      3. Nicosloanica*

        I hope this is not out of bounds and please feel free to ignore, but having just gone through a similar thing with my much-beloved senior kitty … it’s also okay to recognize that they’re having a lot of bad days, and the prognosis does not ever include full recovery (in my experience, you have to ask vets this explicitly, because they will NOT tell you this and will keep adding prescriptions and procedures that solve short-term symptoms that keep popping up – not out of malice, just because that’s how we train medical staff). It’s okay to put a deadline for improvement and request help getting them over the rainbow bridge if the date comes and it’s still the same. It’s okay if your own upcoming travel is a factor in your planning. You’re not letting Kitty down. It’s hard, but what I wanted more than anything for my sweet girl was a peaceful time when I could be there with her and she had my full attention – I was terrified something awful would happen when I was travelling or about to travel or some crisis would come up that had us rushing to the kitty ER at 3AM instead of the peaceful passage I had envisioned. That’s okay to factor in to your plans and it doesn’t make you a bad or unloving pet owner. There is no way to take them back to healthy kittenhood, unfortunately, so you’re choosing the least bad option after that.

        1. Hlao-roo*

          I watched some friends make a similar choice with a senior dog and a multi-state move. They decided the dog was not well enough to make the move, so they made an appointment to put the dog down. Dog ended up passing before the appointment, but for me it was a mark of caring and thoughtful pet owners that they thought through “rushing to doggy ER while on the road” and decided that was not the ending they wanted for their pet.

        2. Moose*

          I’ve found that vets will often refuse to answer “What do you think I should do?” but will answer “If this was your cat, what would you choose?”

          1. basically functional*

            This is exactly what I asked my vet last year when we were deciding how to proceed with my 17 year old cat’s heart failure diagnosis. We could have gone to a cardiologist for invasive and expensive interventions that might have prolonged her life a little, but the vet said if she were his cat he would let her live out her remaining days in peace. I knew that was the right decision.

        3. Agent Diane*

          I’d like to echo this. I hand fed my first cat and gave him all the drugs, trying desperately to keep him going for a few more days even when he was too weak to fight the pills. Twenty years on, I still wish I’d recognised sooner that his time had come and had let him go gently into the night. Not because it would have lessened my loss, but because it would have lessened his suffering.

          Please map out what your beloved cat’s care plan looks like, and when you will have that tough conversation.

          That can also form part of your conversation with your boss: “I have a plan and I will coming in unless x or y happens” is much more constructive than a “I’m never travelling again”.

          You haven’t said how far the base office is from home, so I’m unclear if the monthly visit to it is achievable in a day or is an overnight. That makes a difference in how you can meet your work metaphorically halfway. Could you come in with an agreement that you’ll be around from 10am to 4pm, so you can do it in one day?

        4. MigraineMonth*

          I lost my beloved furball two weeks ago. He’d been losing weight for a while, but he got his cancer diagnosis on Wednesday and I took him to be euthanized on Thursday. I wanted so much to have more time with him, even just to get over the shock, but he was ready to go and I wasn’t going to stand in his way.

          It was so, so hard to make that appointment, but in the end he was calm and comfortable, I was surrounded by friends, and his usual veterinarian did the procedure. I wouldn’t trade that for an emergency late night visit at an animal hospital where my lovey was in pain or distress, even if I got a few more weeks with him.

        5. Pyjamas*

          Exactly! Make sure your decisions are for your cat’s quality of life and not your emotional needs. I’ve waited too long to release a beloved cat from its pain, and will always regret it

        6. GrooveBat*

          That’s a very kind and helpful framing for what is always a wrenching and terrible decision. I’ve said goodbye to three cats, and the last two times I definitely felt like I acted too quickly. But I knew it would be better for them than a lonely or chaotic goodbye.

          Your perspective is very comforting, and I thank you for it.

        7. Media Monkey*

          sadly, i do agree. we had to get our much loved senior cat PTS while we were driving 8 hours to get to my mum’s wake (it was not a good month). she wasn’t with us – we had left her in the care of our regular neighbours and she hadn’t been ill beforehand. it started the evening before we were due to leave. we booked an emergency vet’s appointment the morning we left and were scrambling to find someone to pick her up from the vet when they called to say she had late stage cancer. we didn’t feel we could wait until we came home to do it, and we couldn’t not go to the wake or drive home and go later. it’s a tough choice but really there was no choice.

      4. Moose*

        OP, I think you need to let go of this mindset. Anything can happen at any time. I’ve known more than one pet owner with sick animals whose animals passed while they were away. A good friend of mine had a sick cat and refused to travel at all for over a year because he felt obligated to be there when his cat died. Well, he did a quick overnight trip to be in his brother’s wedding and that’s when the cat died. Others had their pets die while they were at work or the grocery store.

        It sounds like you’re really reaching for control of this situation. But when you have a sick pet, you have to let go of control. Unless you’re making the decision to put the animal to sleep, you have absolutely zero control over when the animal dies. Saying you’ll never forgive yourself if something you can’t control happens is setting yourself up for failure.

        1. KB*

          With cats, as I understand it, this is especially common. I did have a cat I was sitting for a friend go downhill quickly while she was away – we got her through with fluids and pain relief so my friend was home to say goodbye, but the vet said they see this all the time. If they’re given the freedom, cats will often leave home when their time has come, waiting until their person has left is about the same, for an indoor cat.

          1. Shiny Penny*

            This idea really helped me become more comfortable with scheduling the last visit (with our kind and familiar vet) sooner rather than later. I hope it might help the OP, or others in similar situations.
            We keep our beloved pets safe indoors for excellent reasons. But a side effect of that is, we are preventing them from having the power to choose to hasten their own end by ‘walking out into the snowy forest’ some night of their own choosing. I am therefore obliged to accept the ethical burden of taking action myself, to peacefully help them end their lives when the time has come. And one critical facet is avoiding panicked 3 am trips to the (kind but strange and scary) Emergency clinics, because that’s really so stressful for my pet (and myself).

            But the first time you are the caretaker in charge? This is such a difficult journey. It never hurts any less, but I have found that the more times I travel this path the more skilled I am at seeing the bigger picture clearly, and recognizing when I need to make the final appointment.

      5. Allonge*

        So – this is absolutely a choice you get to make. It’s also a choice that others need to (should) treat with respect.

        It’s not a choice you get to make consequence-free.

        The job is what it is; it changed and may change again, but for now, you need to decide if you want to take it the way it is now. Because they also get to decide they need someone in this job who can travel more than you.

      6. 2 Cents*

        OP, I mean this kindly: if you were out running an errand or food shopping and the cat passed, would you also come down so hard on yourself? If you are able, it might be worth seeing a therapist or someone who can help with this difficult time. Your pet has been loved by you for 16 years.

      7. sparkle emoji*

        OP, I’d really encourage you to work through that feeling that you wouldn’t forgive yourself if kitty passed while you’re away. It’s a very understandable feeling, but it sounds like kitty is in a situation where they might end up dying no matter what, through no fault of yours. Do you have some pet people friends or some resources through your vet for people in your situation? If you have a therapist, can you talk to them about this? This problem will feel more solvable if you can put down your guilt.

      8. biobotb*

        OK, but what if he’s not in good condition? Will you refuse to travel indefinitely? Rightly or wrongly, it sounds like monthly travel has become a core function of your job.

      9. GrooveBat*

        My first cat was diabetic and needed insulin injections twice daily. I also had a travel-heavy job at the time and ended up boarding her at an animal hospital whenever I needed to go out of town.

        It was expensive, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

  10. Carly*

    I feel like once a month is consistent with “some” travel, no? Just my perspective; I would be confused by the disconnect if I was OP’s coworkers.

      1. amoeba*

        Huh. I mean, for us travel is also in that range, but that would never even be mentioned in a job interview because it’s too little. If it’s explicitly mentioned that the position involves travel, even if it’s just “some”, I’d definitely assume it’s more than that!

        1. ferrina*

          It depends on industry. In my industry, for most roles travel can be an option, but it can be declined without penalty (I mean, you won’t get valuable experience that can help with promotions, but you can do your current job just fine and be well-regarded without the travel). There’s a handful of roles where travel is part of the expectation, and they are compensated accordingly. It is brought up in the interview as something that may be needed, as well as what the current frequency is and what could change that frequency.

      2. Banana Pyjamas*

        This is an interesting question. It sounds like op only travels for one day when they travel. If I am understanding correctly, that would be a similar percentage to twice a year when travel is typically one week. I only bring up the percentage because that’s how I’ve seen it expressed both in job adds online and in job descriptions when my own organization restructured.

        What I am getting from the comment section is that employers are measuring how much travel based on time away and job seekers measure based on frequency.

        1. sparkle emoji*

          Yeah, the description LW provides seems like the current expectation is 5-10% travel. I would consider that “some” travel that does happen “regularly” which is part of why both “some” and “regular” are inexact terms that need to be defined.

    2. Zee*

      I would interpret “some travel” as once or twice a year. Traveling every month to me is “regular travel.” More than once a month, I’d call “frequent travel.”

    3. Isben Takes Tea*

      I think a big part of the problem is the fact that the definition of “some travel” does not appear (from the information we have) to have been clearly communicated from the start. Going to two or three 4-day conferences a year is a different ask than twelve monthly 3-day trips; similarly a 2-hour drive, 1-hour flight, or 6-hour flight are all very different asks. They all could fall under “some travel” but be vastly different time/energy requirements depending on the combination of frequency, distance, and activity level expected at the destination.

      1. ferrina*

        Adding that a day trip is different than a multi-day trip; some of our people will do travel that involves flying on-site in the morning then flying home in the evening. I’ve found that that kind of travel is lower-impact on caregiving (but higher impact on my exhaustion levels)

    4. Media Monkey*

      same. but i think it depends on the time/ distance involved. for there and back in a day, once a fortnight would be “some travel”. for a couple of nights and a flight, once a month. for more than 3 nights and a long flight, once every 2 months. also not clear if the 1 day a month in the office is factoring into the definition of travel for the company. it obviously is for OP.

  11. Elle*

    This is a lesson for those of us who create job descriptions and hire new staff. Be specific on what the job requires and put it in writing. If the job changes put that in writing as well so everyone is clear on what the expectations are.

    1. So they all cheap ass-rolled over and out fell out*

      The job did change – LW’s entire team quit on their first day, leaving all the travel to OP. On top of that, it doesn’t seem the employer really thought through how much they would want to see their first remote employee face-to-face.

      1. Viki*

        But also, “some travel” was mentioned in the interview which appears to be…one day a month or 12 days out of the year.

        There’s 260 working days on average per google, so less than 5% of her days working would be a travel day. “Some” is a vague number but that’s not a hard metric to hit.

          1. Viki*

            Which would be great information, but absent anything, we can take it equally both ways. Since the LW specifies that the conference she missed resulted in no money lost, I am assuming (perhaps incorrectly) that she is local enough that it is a drive.

            An equally valid reading would be that she has let them know point blank she won’t be travelling so they did not buy her tickets etc. But we just don’t know

            1. OP*

              Yes, it’s a flight each time, and they like to have a couple days in a row in the office. I buy my travel arrangements and have to be reimbursed after the fact. I’ve successfully managed to get refunds on my tickets and have not billed the company for anything.

          1. I Still Use Notepad*

            3-4 days a month is coming up on 20%. If I interview for a job with travel, I ask for a percentage. “Some” is too vague.

        3. ferrina*

          If OP was expecting 4 days per year, then 12 days a year (minimum) is already a 200% increase on what they were expecting.

          And that’s assuming bare minimum- most travel is more than 1 day at a time. Dahlia pointed out that LW specified that the trips are 3-4 days at a time, so assuming the minimum amount of time (3 days), that is 3 days per month, or 36 days per year, which is an increase of 800% over OP’s (hypothetical) expectation of 4 days per year.
          If any aspect of my job had increased by 800%, I would be having serious conversations with my boss.

      3. MassMatt*

        Is once a month unreasonable for “some travel”? Is it more or less reasonable than zero travel, which is evidently what LW is (not) doing?

        1. Elle*

          My point is you can’t say some. You have to give a number, such as we expect you in the office once a month and to attend 6 off site meetings a year. If the job changes you have to give them specifics on what the new travel expectations are to avoid the confusion we see in the letter.

          1. MassMatt*

            I don’t think there is any confusion. LW took a job involving some travel and is balking at doing *any* travel, even 1x per month.

            The employer has clarified that “some” means 1x per month. This is so little that many jobs wouldn’t even consider it as involving travel.

            IMO given the (admitted) poor communication with the boss and LW’s poor reputation with their coworkers, this will not be a problem for long.

            1. So they all cheap ass rolled over and one fell out*

              So many of These comments are pretty harsh on OP. even if you think OP made a mistake, they can’t change the past. Make some suggestions for how they can move forward.

            2. ferrina*

              OP took the job in good faith- at the time that they accepted, they were willing and able to do the travel.

              Unfortunately, circumstances changed on both ends. OP had unexpected news about their cat and now they aren’t able to travel as much (temporarily). At the same time, the company unexpectedly had people leave and increased their expectations of travel.

              It’s on both of them for not clarifying the travel expectation before OP accepted the offer.

              Also, what’s up with this line from the letter: The adjustment to remote work with my boss has been rough already. It sounds like the agreement was for OP to be remote when OP started, so what’s the adjustment? Has the boss not had remote workers before? Has OP not worked remotely before? There is more there to be understood.

              1. Tio*

                They say in the letter: “I joined my employer earlier this year as the only fully remote worker. ” So it sounds like being the only fully remote person is an adjustment for the boss.

              2. Ellis Bell*

                Yes. People are talking like OP took on this job without thinking through the compatibility with their prior commitments, when it sounds like they were not expecting to have to care for their childhood cat OR to have the travel at their job ramp up alarmingly because their team quit.

    2. Pescadero*

      Yep…

      Once every five years is “some travel”.
      Once a month is “some travel”.
      Once a week is “some travel”.

      Please – both those hiring and being hired – come up with OBJECTIVE not subjective details on travel.

      1. B*

        On the hiring side, the ambiguity is strategic, I’m afraid. But all the more reason for job candidates to press for more specificity.

  12. Xakeridi*

    I have cats and have had elderly cats in the past. If they have complex medical needs and you need to travel you can board the cat at a vets office. That way there will be multiple eyes and hands on your cat for any treatment. It will cost more but it’s safe, medical care is right there, and you don’t risk your professional reputation.

    3. Dog momma*

      But in many cases there’s nobody there after 6pm til the staff arrives the next day at 7am. And they are closed weekends and holidays. there’s a HUGE vet shortage in the US.

  13. Our Business Is Rejoicing*

    Another cat person here. I know that pilling a cat can be a two-person job. You mentioned ointments, which indicates you might be doing some of the meds transdermally. I’d seriously ask whether the pills can be administered that way as well. Liquids are also an option so long as the meds aren’t so horrible tasting that the cat literally gags (ask me how I know). We now get that horrible tasting med as an ear ointment (our vet uses a compounding pharmacy).

    Others have mentioned getting someone else to help (another cat-savvy friend or a vet tech).

    I say this because yes, I think if you want to keep this job, you’re going to need to find a way to do the travel.

  14. Czech Mate*

    Just commenting to send you a virtual hug, OP. This is very hard and I’m sorry your work obligations are making it harder.

    1. OP*

      Thanks Czech! It’s partly also knowing I wouldn’t forgive myself if I were away. For the travel I did make, it was rocky and we went to the vet directly after I got back.

  15. L-squared*

    Look, I love animals.

    But, you did agree to “some” travel, and it seems you did that without an understanding of what that entails. And the fact that you are basically saying “I can never travel because of a sick cat”, yeah, I’d probably side eye that a bit too.

  16. Tio*

    OP, to them you may (not saying this is true) seem like someone who is trying to bait and switch them, by saying you were available for some travel and then it sounds like not being able to do any of it. Especially with you two having gotten off on the wrong foot in the beginning like you said with no communication. I agree with Alison that it sounds like you don’t have much goodwill at this job.

    While I think it was incredibly rude and out of line for your coworker to tell you to your face that they don’t think your problems are real or big enough or such, I don’t think you should be mad that they know that you’re not attending events because of a sick pet. This is some pretty bland, unprotected information that would be fairly normal to share with other team members who are wondering why you’re missing a big event. I doubt your boss predicted it would be used so rudely against you, and you might have standing to bring that point up with them, although honestly you have enough problems with this position right now that I don’t think you should bother at this stage unless it repeats. The boss wasn’t required to keep the sick pet to themself the way you would personal medical info.

    Honestly, at this stage I might be job searching, at least as a just in case measure. Right now it sounds like as the only member of a team you can probably slide by for a bit, but if you’ve made a bad impression on your boss this soon in it may be hard to recover, and also if they say “You must travel to these events” and you can’t do it and they fire you over it, you won’ be fully out in the cold.

  17. Ginger Cat Lady*

    Honestly it sounds like you’ve been really flippant with them, like when they told you they needed you to come in and you said “if it’s something important” – you don’t get to decide things like that.
    You’re deciding on your own to skip events, and just letting your coworkers bear the extra load of your absence.
    You aren’t communicating well and just throw out a flippant “my bad!” about it.
    Believe it or not, your cat’s care can still happen without you. If it really is a two-person job (and not just easier with two people) you can hire someone to be the second person. Just what you would do if you were single and had a healthy cat.
    You seem to have taken a “my cat before all else and they can just DEAL.” approach – when that’s a great way to get yourself fired.
    You need to treat your job responsibilities with more seriousness and aim for a balance between the two, not the lopsided approach you have now. Think of your cat’s care as ongoing and a new normal, not a drop-everything crisis. Because this could go on for a longish time and I don’t know how much more patience your employer can have.

  18. JFC*

    It sounds like the boss was clear in the interview that “some travel” would be required. I think going to the home office once a month plus an occasional conference or event falls into that category. So, I’m not seeing where there was a bait and switch here. It unfortunately sounds like LW either willfully ignored that part or for some reason thought they would be granted exceptions (which usually isn’t the case for new hires with no political capital or standing in the organization).

    Aside from the cat issue, what’s with the mass exodus when you were first hired? How many people are we talking about? Do you know why they all left at the same time? As someone who works in an organization with massive turnover, that’s a red flag that something is amiss.

    1. Productivity Pigeon*

      I would say that’s occasional travel, yeah.

      I did wonder how long those once a month trips are. It’s one thing if OP needs to be there just a day or two and another if they need to be there a week.

      It *sounds* like it’s just a day or two but I could be wrong.

        1. Productivity Pigeon*

          Thanks for replying :)

          Then I understand why your partner might need an extra hand to help him out while you’re gone.

          You’ve gotten a bunch of suggestions for ways to accomplish that, so I hope you’re able to come up with a solution that works for all of you.

          One thing though.
          Start looking into that NOW. You said above that if your cat is in a good condition next time you need to travel, you’ll look into a vet tech.

          You need to look into that NOW so that you’re prepared for next time. Based on your letter, “next time” probably won’t be in a year from now.

          You also need to make a plan for what to do if he isn’t doing well and you need to discuss all of these options with your boss now. Not later.

          1. sparkle emoji*

            Seconding this. This can’t be a situation where you cross that bridge when you get to it. You know you will be asked to travel again, you know what your options are to make that happen. Being able to show your boss that you’ve prepared and made plans for how to handle things will help you out a lot in the goodwill dept. Right now it probably looks to him like you aren’t really trying to work with him on this.

        2. MassMatt*

          OK this does change my opinion at least somewhat, 1 trip per month that takes 3-4 days is technically “some” travel but it’s enough that the employer should spell it out much more concisely from the start.

  19. MerrilyWeScrollAlong*

    I love my cats and would do anything for them, but it sounds like OP is using her cat’s illness as an excuse to get out of travel they just don’t want to do. Based purely on what OP wrote in the letter it sounds like they agreed to do a certain amount of traveling, which has increased due to changes on their team, and now they are upset about being asked to travel at all.

    As others have noted, it is certainly possible for OP’s fiance to care for the cat solo for a few days at a time, and if they truly aren’t capable, there are pet sitters who are. It seems to me OP doesn’t really want this job anymore and is claiming issues are with the cat when they’re really with the job.

  20. Daphne*

    When you have that clearing the air conversation with your boss, do include how he talks to coworkers and how coworkers talk to you in it. A sick cat is not something you can expect the same level of privacy about as a sick family member or your own sickness, but you can ask (ASK) your boss to limit who he shares with and what he shares.

    Since I have been though people being dismissive of my cat’s illness, I am fully prepared to have told your coworker, “This isn’t the army, and approval for my absence is not your call.” But that’s me. For you, I recommend making “coworkers can keep their thoughts to themselves” a part of the conversation and ask how your boss would like you to handle it when you get rude comments.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I would probably not include that in the conversation with the boss; it will either make it sound like this is a big deal to others, which won’t help the LW, or like she’s expecting too much assistance in managing a fairly small interpersonal thing.

      1. Daphne*

        Hard disagree. His comments about what happens in the army are uncalled for, since this is not the army, and his opinions on whether LW would get approval are irrelevant since it’s not his role to give approval.

        Now, maybe her boss is of your school of thought that the coworker’s comments are small, interpersonal problems. Or maybe her boss is of the school of thought that the comments are rude and unhelpful and he doesn’t want people on his team making rude, unhelpful comments, especially about approvals that are not theirs to give, and he would want to know that these kinds of comments are happening. Impossible to tell unless one brings it up.

        1. gef*

          jesus if i spent my time complaining to my boss about every weird thing my weird coworkers said we’d never get anything done

        2. Ask a Manager* Post author

          I agree that his comments were rude and his opinions are irrelevant. It still won’t help the LW get the outcomes she wants if she takes that to her manager.

        3. Tio*

          I would normally agree, but in this specific situation, I would let it lie. OP has already demolished all their goodwill here, and rolling this item into teh conversation will probably only serve to make them seem like they’re picking up all the problems they can.

          If the coworker goes at it again, then I would bring it up. But if they don’t, I would just take the information that this person is not a kind or compassionate person, and proceed as such. With all the other issues, this will not serve OP to bring up.

        4. jasmine*

          I wouldn’t be surprised if coworker doesn’t make these comments again after LW showed that she wasn’t okay with them.

          If he does, then she should have a direct conversation with him and maybe some good scripts to tell him to knock it off. If those don’t work, that’s when I’d go to the boss. But I don’t think she necessarily needs to do that right now

        5. Ellis Bell*

          There’s a difference between a colleague being rude and weird and a colleague being a case for the boss to handle though. People are expected to handle certain interpersonal issues themselves. So if someone tells you they aren’t a pet person, just agree and say “Yes, people who don’t have pets, often don’t realise how difficult it is to get medically trained pet sitters! These travel requirements have been pretty sudden so I’m still working it out.” Or if you really really don’t care, just “Huh, you don’t say, not a pet person. Hmm. *shrugs*” I realise this wasn’t a pleasant interaction with her coworker, but you really can’t run to the boss and say “Hank doesn’t like pets and wasn’t sympathetic about my cat”, and I say that totally agreeing that the colleague was being a jerk…(but it’s still better to hear how thin the ice is from the only person in the office rude enough to tell you).

    2. Ginger Cat Lady*

      I don’t know that coworker was rude. Coworker said they were disappointed OP wasn’t working the event. That’s a very appropriate thing for a coworker to say when OP ditches the rest of them to handle things alone. And if it’s happened multiple times because “I need to be with my cat” I get why people are annoyed with him.

      1. Daphne*

        He gets to be disappointed. I don’t know what outcome he is hoping for by saying that to LW, however.

        “In the army, this would be a personal problem, and I don’t think pet problems are a valid excuse” is rude.

        1. MassMatt*

          That someone gets to have emotions should go without saying. And why shouldn’t he be able to express them? Is clear communication and using your words not exactly what AAM recommends to people seeking advice?

          As for what outcome he was hoping for; probably that LW start doing some of this travel so that it doesn’t all fall to the rest of the team.

          1. jasmine*

            uhh saying whatever comes to mind isn’t what clear communication is. reminds me of people who say mean things and identify as someone who’s “just honest”

          3. Six for the truth over solace in lies*

            The other thing I wonder is whether LW was… brusque, abrasive, something first. They have acknowledged being “combative and inflexible” in one of their comments, and people won’t feel obligated to pull punches with you if you’re being combative to start with; it’s not a reasonable expectation that you can dish it without expecting to take it.

          4. Isben Takes Tea*

            Well, you have the right to clearly communicate all your personal emotions, even if they are dismissive of other people’s experiences, in social situations, yes. You don’t get to do that without being labeled (accurately) as rude. That is basic social etiquette 101.

        2. Sar*

          I don’t think you go to your boss when a coworker says something rude to you. (Especially in this context, where the LW may reasonably be on very thin ice.)

          1. Allonge*

            This. For me this is more blunt than rude, but that matters much less than the fact that this is the level of conflict you are expected to handle yourself in most cases (unless it gets recurring / worse).

    3. Statler von Waldorf*

      I feel that you, like the letter writer, are taking the fact that the boss was talking about the LW with their co-worker way too far. Even under the fairly strict privacy laws in my province, it does not violate them to inform a co-worker that another co-workers is out sick. The actual diagnosis, if shared, would be considered private information that I am legally required to protect. The fact that someone is out sick and their work will not be done is not. Management has a bona fide business reason to share that information so that any tasks can be covered. This doesn’t change because it’s a cat that’s sick. I completely disagree with your suggestion that them sharing that information is in any way immoral.

      Sure, the way the co-worker handled this was rude. However, the LW admitted that in response “I was ruder than I should have been.” Nobody has clean hands here. For that reason alone, I honestly see no way that bringing this up will help the LW.

      Finally, and this just might be my blue-collar showing, but in my 3+ decades of working, I’ve never once seen a workplace where “coworkers can keep their thoughts to themselves” is an actual professional standard that I should expect my boss to hold people to. Maybe that’s just me, but I doubt it.

  21. Productivity Pigeon*

    I’m so sorry about your cat and your situation, OP. It must be so tough.

    I live in a country with very generous state funded sick leave but even here, a sick cat would probably not be accepted as a legitimate reason not to travel on occasion.

    A onetime emergency… that would probably be okay. But ongoing illness… I think most employers here would think that it would be on you to handle your cat’s care in a way that didn’t impact your job.

    It’s unfair. I’m sorry.

    1. Productivity Pigeon*

      I should add that we’re also entitled to up to 120 days a year off of paid leave to take care of sick children.

      I think there have been suggestions that animal care be included in that but as far as I can remember, it hasn’t been taken very seriously and it hasn’t been received very favorably by the public.

      1. CityMouse*

        I’m a cat person but it would definitely be massively insensitive to equate a sick pet, particularly one here that’s outlived average life expectancy, to a sick child.

        1. Productivity Pigeon*

          To be honest, I would too. That’s just me.

          But not everyone agrees with me and pet sick pay has been proposed more than once by different politicians in my country.

        2. Sar*

          It kind of depends? A sick child can mean a sore throat or a low-grade fever in an otherwise happy child (who is very happy indeed to stay home all day watching TV/doing crafts/reading). I have pawned those off on my mom when feasible (and sure, done a few pre-Covid “take some medicine and see how you feel in 20 mins/oh, better but not all-better? I’m not missing work for this, get your butt in the car” days). When my dog had cancer, though, I absolutely worked from home (when we were supposed to back in the office) so I could take him to consults, took vacation days for his surgery and post-surgery care, and towards the very end (maybe the last month to two months), stayed home with him and worked from home so I could cook for him/give him his meds/be with him so if he had an emergency he wouldn’t be alone in the house. I also declined (optional) work travel while I was basically doing doggie hospice, and I don’t think my boss was upset about it. (I did say why.)

          (In a previous job, my kid went to the hospital for five days, via the ER so no notice, and I barely had the wherewithal to call out. Leaving her at the hospital with my husband was simply not an option and work could fire me, or not. So this is actually commensurate: dependents’ health emergencies come way before work.)

          Just saying that not all parents would be offended by the equating of a sick kid and a sick pet—it really depends on the circumstances.

          1. CityMouse*

            I mean you’re not taking 120 days off work for a kid with a sore throat.

            I’ve also been in the hospital with my toddler when he had RSV and, it just absolutely isn’t the same as an elderly cat. Putting down my cat was very sad, but he was old and I know I gave him a good life. You get a pet, death is what you sign up for. It’s nothing like the fear of sitting in a hospital with a sick kid.

            1. Ellie*

              It absolutely isn’t the same, but if my cat’s needed round the clock care to keep them alive, I would do it. I would look for a job that could accommodate that. Just because I love my kids more, doesn’t mean I’m not also going to make sacrifices for my cats as well.

  22. Pinto*

    Your cats condition is one of many of life’s challenges you will have to balance with your work life demands. You have failed to even attempt to find and alternative solution yo you being there daily. As many have pointed out you have many options to provide your cat the card it needs while you are gone. Also, it sounds like you are literally missing work events, not just office presence. I’m suggesting you just look for another job because it will likely take a lot to rehabilitate your reputation with your current boss and coworkers.

    1. carrot cake*

      “You have failed to even attempt to find…”
      ——–

      It’s a difficult situation. Lecturing is so insensitive.

  23. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

    This is a tough situation, and I’m sorry.

    Can you figure out which parts of cat care your partner is able to handle on their own – maybe not easily but in a pinch when you’re gone – and then look into hiring help for the others? I’d start by talking to a vet to see if you can hire a vet tech to come in and help with the injections, if that’s the most difficult part, or the fluids. Or maybe your partner could bring the cat into the vet a couple times a week while you’re gone to get help with those aspects.

    I think that an acute pet illness “my cat needed to go to the emergency vet” or something – would be understood many places as a reason to miss work or travel, but a chronic situation that may, if all goes well, last for a year or more would be something you’d expect to find a workaround for.

    1. OP*

      The first one was an emergency situation, but yes, you’re likely right that I should have begun making arrangements for this travel situation.

  24. Seashell*

    Could your fiance take the cat to the vet while you’re gone? I once was pet-setting for my mom’s cat, and the cat was on liquid medicine, which I couldn’t make happen for the life of me. I went to the vet, they demonstrated how to get the liquid in, and did it for me while the cat and I were there. Maybe they would take pity on him and help.

      1. Seashell*

        Yes, that’s been frequently suggested already. If that wasn’t an option due to problems finding someone or money issues, I thought another alternative might help.

  25. gef*

    i’m also caring for a sick/elderly animal and i’m soooo confused why your fiancé can’t just help. my partner and i are a team and take over care duties when the other person is busy/traveling or has work obligations. i really have to agree this is a personal problem and it’s on you to figure out a solution, which is eminently possible. this is not an unfixable quandary just because you might have to do a few things you don’t want to.

        1. CityMouse*

          Are your parents not able to provide care? Why did you take this on right when you were starting a new job?

          1. Productivity Pigeon*

            They might not be able to travel, for a myriad of reasons. My parents are elderly and sick in various ways and they could definitely not travel large distances to take care of cats.
            In fact, they couldn’t take care of a cat period. Maybe that is what has happened with OP’s parents?

              1. Productivity Pigeon*

                Yes, but they might not be able to care for a sick cat?

                That’s how I interpreted the letter, at least.

                To give you an example, my Dad is starting hospital dialysis soon. That means he’ll be at the hospital for 3-4 hours every other day.
                He could feasibly take care of a healthy cat but definitely not a sick one requiring lots of care and vet visits.

                1. Productivity Pigeon*

                  Actually, I just saw that OP posted another comment further down that the cat was well when it moved to her.

                  So ignore my last comment, my interpretation was obviously wrong.

                  I do, however, still think it’s not very weird at all that OP’s parents can’t travel from far away to help with the cat.

          2. Rebecca*

            Friend, you are literally replying to a comment where OP says her parents are several states away. So, no, her parents are not able to provide care.

          3. Ellis Bell*

            They put in the letter that they took the cat off their aging parents’ hands. In an update downthread they say that the cat wasn’t sick initially, and when they did become sick it was an emergency situation.

    2. Bleu*

      It’s also safer for the cat to have both people experienced in caring for it, rather than only one having done it solo.

      1. gef*

        totally agree, and that’s exactly why my partner learned to take care of our pet, in case anything happened to me or something came up unexpectedly and i’m not available. what if LW (god forbid) got hit by a bus? she’s made it so that she’s the only one that can care for the cat so what happens then?

        1. OP*

          Partner is being incredibly helpful! We’re still in the early stages of learning how to manage him and neither is independently able to do it. If we still haven’t figured it out by next time I’m asked to travel, I’ll be looking into vet techs as others have recommended.

          1. Someone Online*

            Gently, because you are getting some flack, the time to make preparations is now and just expect that travel will be expected in your future. Then when your boss has the conversation about how you are not meeting expectations, you can demonstrate that you have plans in place.

          2. Ellie*

            There are vets that will arrange a home visit if you need it. Ask her providers, see what can be done. They may be able to show you how to do it, with one person, in your own home.

  26. House On The Rock*

    OP I’m so sorry you are going through this. As someone who likely would quit a job if I felt forced to choose between job responsibilities and caring for a dying pet, I feel deeply for you. I’ve also had to deal with a manager who was pretty callous when I needed to flex my schedule during the last week of my cat’s life (she asked me why I couldn’t just bring the cat into the office and keep her under my desk in a carrier…while I, what? Waited for her to die? Decided she was in too much pain and took her to be euthanized?).

    But, practically speaking, there are unfortunately people who will judge this situation “not important enough” to miss work obligations. Instead of trying to argue about that, definitely focus on how the job expectations and circumstances have changed since you started, including losing your whole team!

    Also talk to your vet about all this – I’ve gotten incredibly good advice and help from vets over many years of pet parenthood and found that most are very willing to work with you for the good of the animal. Others have mentioned hiring a vet tech to help while you are away or even boarding your cat if that’s logistically easier. I know neither option is ideal, but the vet and their staff are going to be much more compassionate and solution focused than your boss and (shitty) coworker.

    Sending lots of good thoughts to you all!

    1. OP*

      Thanks for such a comforting comment! I’ve felt that expectations and circumstances have changed a lot from what I was expecting.

      1. Retirednew*

        If the issue is that the expectations have changed since you started then you need to have a productive conversation with your boss. But from the way you’ve written this. It sounded like they expected you to attend conferences that might’ve been part of the job anyway and that you left early early refused to go. Again, as someone who has cared for many hellcats over the years, I don’t understand why your fiancé can’t be trusted or available to deal with the cat while you were at conferences for a few days.

        I don’t think anyone is saying that your cat isn’t important to you. But many of us who have had pets for many years have to make difficult decisions and compromises for jobs, other family members, vacations, and other events. It sounds like you were being pretty flexible and even rude to your manager, which is not going to help you get what you need.

  27. Sometimes maybe*

    I want to be as kind and compassionate as possible because obviously your cat is extremely important to you, and that is okay, but I think you might need to take a few steps back and really assess the situation through more objective eyes. Sometimes when you are in the mist of taking care of someone it can become all-encompassing and outsize the importance, especially in regards how you expect others to react. Honestly, it will be very hard to reestablish your reputation at your current job. From your letter it sounds like you are coming across unreliable and flippant when someone communicates an expectation. From the other commentors it seems like there are other solutions for pet care available; please understand that a lot of people will not understand your unwillingness to compromise in order to keep your job.

    1. gef*

      agreed, and that’s the real issue here – refusing to compromise in any way for her job. we all deal with life’s great bullshittery, and we all have to compromise.

    2. Friday Hopeful*

      I agree – The boss actually told her “bring the cat with you” and even if it was tongue in cheek, he is obviously trying to work with her on this.

      1. Tio*

        I have a diabetic cat, and I have actually brought him with us in hotel rooms when we traveled for personal vacations. It would actually be a valid solution in some cases! However, his injections are easy enough that my husband can do them when I need to travel solo, but if not, I could see myself opting for this as a solution. However, it depends on the cat and the distance and the situation; travel might not be a good option for a cat at all if it really stresses them out. But, it is actually a potential solution so I’d assume the boss was trying to work with her!

  28. the 1%*

    You really need to have backup care for your cat. If your partner can’t care for the cat alone, you can absolutely hire a catsitter to help him. Or, since the cat lived with your parents just earlier this year, why can’t they take the cat for a few days?

    I love cats but you can’t just opt out indefinitely of what everyone is telling you is an important part of the job. And frankly, a very ill 16-year-old cat is on its way out of this world regardless of how many sacrifices you make for it.

      2. MigraineMonth*

        Hey OP, I’m sure others have said this better than I have, but here goes. You’ve repeated this phrase (“I couldn’t forgive myself if…”) a number of times.

        It sounds a lot like my anxiety brain-weasels, who are convinced that I can prevent bad things from happening if I just try harder. Unfortunately, listening to my anxiety brain-weasels just makes me a tense, angry, controlling person.

        Personally, I’ve found guided meditations on accepting that change happens and that we don’t control it helps disrupt anxiety-brain, talking with a wise friend or therapist, or even taking a walk.

  29. Busy Middle Manager*

    Two notes:
    A) Many letters include subtle language that signal that the person is somewhat content in their job. I don’t see any of that in yours. No mentions of years in industry or liking your coworkers or job or remotely wanting to go to the events. IMO you need a reason to be there besides “collect paycheck.” Do you have one? Not saying you don’t, it just comes across as you not liking the job that much in this letter. To ask for accommodations when your boss can tell you don’t really want to even be there will make the whole process much more difficult
    B) What is the long-term plan? If I were your manager, the lack of a long-term plan would drive me nuts and question if there was going to be emergencies before every meeting. TBH all of this treatment for a painful disease for a 16-year-old cat is a lot. Is it sustainable?

    In your defense:
    • Any adjustment in title/pay if they’re not backfilling the other role
    • Occasionally turning down a monthly-in-office is fine, but I’d try to go as much as possible in the beginning

    1. OP*

      A) The role changed a lot from what I was expecting after my team departed, and little discussion of backfill, though I’ve had some help.
      B) Cat has an appointment later this month to assess progress, my guess is that we’ll be having hard conversations about euthanasia within the next 2 weeks unless things show significant improvement. It could be long-term management that I’ll need to make plans for, and as other commenters have written, I’ll be looking into hiring a vet tech for the next time I’m asked.

      1. Tweidle*

        Seeing that there is an action plan for the cat is very heartening. Far too often do people force a pet to linger for the owner’s benefit while the pet suffers.

  30. AnnoyedInWonderland*

    “At my first on-site, the only other coworkers in my department resigned.”

    Sorry, what?? What the heck else is going on at this company?

      1. CityMouse*

        Although very few employers would be okay with someone just leaving an event with no notice for a sick cat.

        2. MigraineMonth*

          I think that very much depends on your role in the event . The main speaker or coordinator leaving without warning would be a problem, but I don’t think any of my managers would have reprimanded me for skipping out as a conference attendee for an emergency situation with a pet.

          I once dropped out without warning during a small group video meeting because my cat was having a diabetic seizure on my desk. Not even disconnected or went off-camera; the rest of the meeting was attended by a video feed of an empty chair. When I apologized to the meeting lead afterwards, they just wanted to know if my cat was okay.

      2. Allonge*

        Both can be an issue.

        The ‘everyone else resigns’ is worrying, but that does not mean that OP not being able to go to events is not a legit problem.

    2. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

      My guess was that the company’s management was remote-hostile and the rest of the team had been denied remote work.

  31. samwise*

    Cat;
    Board your cat at the vet when you need to travel. They will give the cat the needed medications. BTDT.

    Job:
    If you don’t want to be travelling as much as they now require, discuss with manager and start looking for a new job (regardless of what your manager says).
    Find out if there will be a team any time in the near future. If not, start looking for a new job.

    Coworkers
    Alison is right. However, there are employers / offices where your need to care for your cat would be sympathized with and accommodated to at least some extent. I work for one. Not sure how you would probe for that info in an interview?

  32. AngryOwl*

    I’m really more stuck on everyone on your team resigning at once. That seems…covered in red flags.

    Aside from that, it sounds like you’re (understandably) very stressed and possibly not reacting the best to your boss/coworkers in general. I’m so sorry about your cat, I lost one of mine last year to cancer and it’s gut wrenching. I hope your cat recovers.

    I would also do the air-clearing chat, including firming up what “some” means. To me, it would mean significantly less than “once a month” but everyone is different. It’s good you recognize the lack of communication has been on both sides, now you can fix it.

    1. OP*

      Thank you, I did not interpret “some” to mean once-a-month and having that “clarified” within hours of seeing my team resigning was… difficult. Haha! Cross your fingers for my little guy.

  33. RCB*

    I was in charge of HR at my old organization and in the “medical needs of all members of your household count as valid uses of your sick leave” understanding I included pets, because they have very valid medical needs, are very much members of the family, and oftentimes the only things that keep us sane (and from the employer standpoint keep our employees sane), so I fully believe it’s important to treat pets close to equal as kids when it comes to an employer being flexible around their medical needs. I also think that people who haven’t been through sick/aging pets don’t understand just how all-consuming it is. With very sick humans at least there are (usually) helpers such as nurses and doctors and whatnot helping, and family members and others tend to step in more to assist when it’s really bad because a really sick human is obviously (and rightfully) considered more of a tragedy. That safety net just isn’t there for pets, especially ones with really tricky medicine needs, and it’s BRUTAL to be the sole caregiver for that pet, or even to share it with another person, every bit of your schedule revolves around their needs. It’s exhausting.

    So, I definitely feel much more sympathetic to you than it seems most do because I know I’ve been through it and I get how different it is than having a sick kid or parent, and just how overwhelming and exhausting it can be. But I also had a very understanding employer so I didn’t have to fight to take care of my pets. I will say that I did find myself agreeing with the other commenters that it does seem like maybe you have been a little combative with your colleagues and boss about this issue, or maybe dismissive is a better word, and I’m sure it’s largely because you’re just exhausted and you’re tired of fighting about it, but it sounds like the issue isn’t resolving on its own so a meeting with the boss so you can both clear the air is necessary. The two of you have to get on the same page, or determine that you won’t get on the same page, and get this resolved, because it’s not going to work otherwise, and you’re going to have a breakdown trying to balance it all. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s tough.

    1. Kiely & Helo*

      I’m not the letter writer but I just wanted to say I really appreciate your comment. I just lost my elderly dog and cat within the span of two weeks and it was really a lot to care for them — obviously I’d do it again in a heartbeat and they were very much worth it, but aging pets with multiple medical problems and declining appetites and bathroom problems can really put you through the wringer

      1. RCB*

        It absolutely can, and until they are gone you don’t always realize how much stress it was because their needs tend to stack up slowly, the problems keep adding on one by one and you just don’t realize how ridiculous your life has become until suddenly you aren’t taking them outside to potty every 1.5 hours, and have nighttime sweatpants by the door to throw on in a hurry to take them out for potty emergencies so you don’t have to fumble with finding clothes to put on when they wake you because they really have to go, or when you have to stay a bit late after work so you have to find a friend to stop by and potty them, or when you get home from the theatre and all you want to do is have a snack and crash into bed but you find that one of them had an accident (and it was an accident, they didn’t meant to do it) and not they and everything is covered in poo and you have to find 2 hours of energy you didn’t have to bath them, change your bedding, clean the floors. It’s EXHAUSTING.

        1. I Have RBF*

          This.

          When my cats (littermates) were starting to have kidney issues before they died, I regularly had to change pet pads on my bed. As in twice a day. I ended up covering my mattress in a big pet pad that I could swap out and wash. My idiot (former) vet said that they were “allergic to their food”. Changing the food didn’t help. This was during Covid so it was hard to even get vet care.

          I am now doing some of the caretaking for my spouse on hospice for cancer. It’s different, but not quite as stressful.

  34. jasmine*

    “A coworker was early and started by saying he was disappointed that I wouldn’t be at the event tomorrow, that he didn’t see a pet as a valid excuse and didn’t believe me, he wasn’t a pet person, and in the army this would be called a “personal problem.” I was ruder than I should have been”

    honestly OP I’m not sure how you could have been ruder than warranted unless you started flipping tables. what a horrible thing to say to a coworker

      1. ferrina*

        lol! truth!

        And frankly, any coworker who says “well you couldn’t have done that in my old workplace!” deserves to be ignored. We are not at your old workplace, and unless we have agreed that this team wants to be more like your old workplace, this statement is irrelevant and you know it.

  35. Orange Soup*

    I’m in your situation too OP, with the added bonus that my cat goes fractious if anyone except me or my partner tries to handle his daily injections (diabetes) so medically-trained sitters don’t work, and vet boarding doesn’t either. I understand how overwhelming it is.

    (For those who don’t know, when a cat is fractious, they behave like terrified, aggressive, totally unsocialized cats. I learned this term when he was hospitalized overnight and the staff could not handle him to medicate him at all, even with the giant leather gloves.)

    However, I do think you need to figure something out here. You’re kind of all-or-nothing thinking about this cat’s care, but there are options. You have a partner, maybe work on you both learning techniques to medicate the cat solo. Start positively reinforcing the medication process with treats until the cat is more handle-able. Cats are predators, they’re very smart! You can train them at least a bit (they ARE still cats) if you have the patience, which could allow you both to handle the cat yourself.

    1. Orange Soup*

      Also if your cat is treat-motivated, try setting up medication routines around it, like treat-medication-treat, always the same process. My cat tolerates injections with no fuss if he’s eating a treat at the same time, LOTS of fuss if there is no treat. Good luck!

      1. OP*

        Good tips! He’s never been very food-motivated but Churus are working for injections with two people. It worked for a couple of days to hide his pills in capsules in a Churu, but now he’s started to spit them out. Stinker!

    2. Dasein9 (he/him)*

      Yes, they can be trained! I use a distinct alarm on my phone, along with a song I sing to the tune of the alarm, to let mine know it’s pill time. That way, it doesn’t come out of the blue for her. She seems to have noticed that the pill goes down easier in certain places and started going to one of them when it’s pill time. (She’s right; it’s easier because the light is better in those spots.) Then she sees me do the same to the other cat, just without the actual pill. Finally, reinforcement with a treat for both cats helps her understand the situation as “unpleasant and brief” instead of “the sky is falling!”

  36. Bleu*

    It just seems like this job isn’t a great fit with OP, both from the culture/communication and the no backup for traveling and the amount of travel expected. Personally, I would class once a month as “frequent” travel, not “some” travel, but either way, it seems like the best fit, for you would be to look for a remote job with no travel.

  37. candle hoarder*

    Something that stuck out to me in this letter is LW’s communication with their boss. It sounds like LW was stung by the talk in the meeting and right then and there decided to unilaterally announce that they would no longer be traveling until further notice. That’s something that should have been covered in a one-on-one with your boss, as a two-way conversation, and not as a reaction to something you didn’t like hearing.

    If I’m being honest, I think you run the risk of being let go, OP. Maybe not right away since there’s already a shortage, but the poor communication and the refusal to do part of the job is really worrying.

  38. Friday Hopeful*

    I hate to think this way but its entirely possible the boss is giving you some leeway now only because you are the sole person remaining on the team. They should be replacing the others, but when they do I would make sure the issue is resolved by then or you might lose your job over it.

  39. Cekee*

    This does not sound like a particularly functional work environment, regardless (everyone resigned on her first day?) but I wonder if the way that the LW is stressing the complexity and general burden of the pet care is working against her. The description of everything involved makes this sound like a part-time job of its own, and so, fairly or not, the office might be hearing this as “I can’t do my full-time job because my part-time job is too demanding.”

      1. Time for Tea*

        In case you are ever in a similar situation again, I use language such as “caring for a sick elderly family member”, keeping vague and non specific. I don’t actively tell untruths and I don’t use that to exploit leave that is specifically for, say, caring for human family, but I’m not telling work specifically that I can’t do something because my cat can’t be left for more than 2 hours for instance.

        I do feel for how stressed and exhausted you will all be, I lost my 20 year old cat in February and regained several hours in my day that had been spent on his various needs, and the amount of sleep I got back! Good luck and best wishes to you.

        1. EA*

          Oof, if the truth came out later that your “sick elderly family member” is a cat, that probably wouldn’t go over well. If you’re going to avoid mentioning the cat, avoid it completely.

        2. Moose*

          LOL if someone told me they were caring for a “sick and elderly family member” and had to miss a work event and later I found out it was their cat I would a) think they’re a little nutty and b) never ever trust anything they ever said ever again.

          OP this is bad advice. Definitely don’t do this.

        3. Productivity Pigeon*

          No. That is a lie that would definitely make OP’s credibility sink to rock bottom if anyone found out.

  41. cat lover*

    you can’t just refuse to do something like this point blank. the expectation is that you will find alternate arrangements. if you can’t, i don’t think you can reasonably continue in this job. and this is coming from a cat owner!

  42. Stuart Foote*

    I don’t want to pile on LW, but I do think there is a difference between having a cat you’ve had for years get sick and need more care, and voluntarily taking on responsibility for a very old cat (and sick? it’s not clear how sick the cat was when LW got it) right as you are starting a new job.

      1. It Actually Takes a Village*

        Many pets are dying, especially of kidney-related illnesses, after Covid infections.

        Both our dog and our friends dog died of kidney disease 8 months after we had Covid. Our vets said it has become extremely common and very sad.

  43. carrot cake*

    Hi LW – I am so sorry you’re going through this.

    If it helps, about 10 years ago, my baby guy was dying of kidney disease. I was graduating from graduate school and looking for a job, and absolutely did not want to leave him. But I was running out of money, and really needed professional job, so I went ahead with arrangements I’d made previously to interview at the conference. I hated life, and I hated myself for not having saved enough money to be able to not have to look for a job right then; I just hated the world.

    I was single, so I found the two people (a couple) who I’d want him to be with should he pass while I was gone – and that’s what happened. They took him to the vet to make him comfortable and at peace. I have a small cemetery in my back yard and he is there now.

    I felt guilty when I returned a few days later because I was relieved – more than I’d counted on – that he was out of his misery, my poor little guy.

    I am sharing all of this because one thing that helped me is I worked backwards. What would happen if – ? What about – ? What’s the worst that could happen [if I traveled], and how would I handle it? I even wrote down my options, and I am glad I did, because I couldn’t think clearly.

    I wish you and your kitty the best at this time. I know it’s hard.

    1. nycnpo*

      So sorry <3 – you did the right thing as painful as I can imagine it was. So glad he had the couple and, more importantly, you looking after him and loving him.

  44. Lola*

    Just sending my sympathies from the land of cats with pancreatitis.

    Mine has since passed away but he had a terrible flare-up right as I got laid off from my job. He had to get a feeding tube installed and it was a constant schedule of at least 5 different meds, all with different dosage times, in addition to needing to give him food through the tube every few hours! Normally I’d be upset about being laid off, but for the time being, I was just grateful that I didn’t have to figure out how to manage going to the office 9 – 5 with a cat that needed ’round the clock care for a few weeks.

    All that being said – it sounds like you need to figure out how to make sure your cat gets the care they need so that you can attend work events. Missing a few is one thing, but you can’t miss all of them. If I were you I’d also minimize talking about the cat when it comes to your schedule – say yes you can attend or no, you can’t attend, and leave it at that. I have nothing but empathy but recognize that many people do not view sick pets as legitimate reasons to miss work.

  45. I should really pick a name*

    This requires direct communication.
    If your boss wants you at the home office once a month and that’s a problem, you need more than a non-committal answer. Even if you were shocked in the moment, you could follow up late with something to the affect of “That frequency is greater that what we discussed in the interview and is going to be a challenge, so can we discuss some other options?”

    Have you had a discussion with your boss about missing events? That’s a non-trivial thing, and if you’ve been missing them with no discussion beyond saying you won’t be there, that’s not going to look good.

    I don’t feel I can stick all of this care on my fiancé, even if either of us could do it independently

    This jumps out at me as fairly inflexible. Have you spoken to your fiancé about this? Even if you can’t stick all of this on them, can they handle some of it?

  46. HonorBox*

    OP, I think the cat in this situation is a red herring. I don’t mean that to be dismissive of the situation, and I wish you, your fiance and kitty all the very best. But I think there’s more to the story and the situation with cat care is just bringing it to the surface.

    Everyone in your department resigned the first time you went into the office. You may know why, and that’s maybe not part and parcel with the point of your letter, but I’m wondering what prompted the resignations. That’s sure something that would give me pause. And what is the plan for hiring? Even if your department was only two people, it is going to be hard to sustain productivity long-term with one person running things.

    Also, you were told about “some” travel. I really wish you’d have gotten something in writing or even just more specific definition of what that meant. I would accept travel a couple of times a month as “some” but others might say quarterly travel is what they’d use as a definition of “some.” I’m not trying to sound argumentative … just stating that your boss may have a different understanding of what “some” is.

    I’d suggest two things:
    First, as others have suggested so well, finding additional care for your cat will be helpful. That’ll remove any thoughts your boss and coworkers have about whether it is appropriate to miss work things because of the cat.

    Second, talk to your boss. Find out what the plan is for filling vacancies in your department. Then be honest and explain that when you were hired, you were told that there would be “some” travel, and now it is “more than some” travel in your mind. Ask them if they could give you a more solid definition of what “some” means. And see if you can get a better calendar so you can plug the travel into your plans. Even if the cat isn’t part of the consideration, you might have other things you want to do or need to do, and being able to plan your travel, even if it is for a day, is going to be helpful.

    Also, if there’s a fundamental mismatch with what is expected of you, especially since you’re now a department of one, I’d start looking sooner than later.

    1. OP*

      This is exactly the kind of comment that I appreciate from AAM readers. You’ve hit my feelings on the head. Thank you!

  47. Sometimes maybe*

    It would help to better gauge if the OPs coworkers and boss are being unreasonable if we knew what these events were. Is this something where her company is staffing an event or attending to network? My patience (and compassion) would wear if I had to, more than once, scramble to work an out-of-town event alone because teammate cancelled the day before due to a cat’s chronic illness. And to that point what is the purpose of coming in once a month; was work not able to be accomplished due to their repeated absence for non emergency reasons?

    1. OP*

      These have primarily, though not always, have been to bring me in for facetime reasons and have me work a few days in the office. I’m not aware that work has been impeded, but I should try to find that out.

      1. Marion Coatesworth-Haye*

        Candidly, OP, this sounds very odd — it was clearly important to them for you to be there but you weren’t curious as to exactly why it was important or what the visits were supposed to accomplish? Either you are missing some signals or they are very bad at communicating and you’ve just decided not to worry about things unless/until someone affirmatively says something (with jibes with your other comments about waiting until the next time you’re invited to travel rather than dealing proactively with the situation).

        1. CTT*

          Seconding this! It seems like no one is communicating well, but you are fine with being seen as the colleague who bails and doesn’t reach out, which you can proactively change.

  48. Not A Manager*

    I wonder if some of this has to do with OP’s attitude to the work/cat balance. In the letter, I’m hearing a lot of distress about the cat (understandable!) and not so much concern about the job and optics and good relations with the team. There seems to be an assumption that because the cat is very important to OP, and therefore OP prioritizes the cat a certain way, everyone else will/should prioritize the cat equally.

    It might be too late for this, but in future, I think OP would get on better by stressing their dedication to the job, their heartfelt wish that they could attend all the events, and their deep sorrow at not being able to. I would present this as a temporary issue that ought to resolve shortly. And either it will resolve shortly, or OP and their fiancé will find a better method to deal with chronic illness, or OP will do such a great job remotely that their physical presence won’t be missed. Or OP will find a different position that can accommodate their hours.

    1. ferrina*

      This is such a good point.

      Optics make a big difference. If OP had led with “gosh, I really wish I could be there! It sounds like such an incredible event. I saw that there’s going to be a session on Applying Llama Extensions- I would love to go to that. Is there something that stood out to you?”

      It also helps if OP can proactively offer to take on work, especially travel. Rather than saying “no” all the time, find something to say “yes” to. And be strategic- what is something high visibility or that will build good will? Being able to build good will is an incredible skill that will serve you well- I’ve worked with people that are terrible at their job, but very good at being visible and picking the right ways to build goodwill, so they’ve gone a lot farther than their other skills should have gotten them.

  49. Debby*

    And, OP, your local vet is able to order the meds in a liquid form for you. I had a cat that needed thyroid medicine and it had be shipped from another city, which means I had to plan ahead. But it was worth it-and, I didn’t have to give it orally anymore. It went on the inside of his ear flap. Sooo much better and easier :)

  50. anonymouse*

    Firstly, really sorry you’re going through this, OP. I totally understand how a sick kitty can make it nearly impossible to deal with the rest of life so you have my sympathies!

    That said, from a purely pragmatic perspective, if you don’t want to lose this job, you’re going to have to get your crap together a little bit for work. Part of that looks like better handling the situation with your kitty (lots of good suggestions about hiring help), but an even bigger part of it is about better handling it with your boss and coworkers.

    Based on experience, an employee who is a good communicator and has some respect built up in the org can get away with a lot, and can certainly get away with missing out on some travel due to a sick pet. But it sounds like you haven’t communicated or built up any goodwill. You need to communicate, communicate, communicate, and you need to do everything you can to restore your reputation. (Assuming you’re not okay with just waiting to be fired, which, if you are, then that’s another story.)

    Right now, your coworker and boss aren’t being understanding about your kitty (which sucks!), but it’s not BECAUSE it’s your kitty, IMO–it’s because they don’t see you as a team player/reliable/etc. and even if that is based on misunderstanding, unfairness, etc., you have to change that perception ASAP if you want to keep this job.

  51. Storenfried*

    I’m sorry, but once a month travel still sounds like “some” travel. I have 2 cats, and a dog myself, and 16 is definitely getting up there. I realize there have been some changes in expectations that you couldn’t control, but this just feels like a disproportionate response.

    I see people saying you should find another job, and while I think that too is a disproportionate response, you’re certainly free to do so, and if your cat is where your priorities lie, that’s okay.

      1. candle hoarder*

        Same here but it really depends on the travel details. Like if I have to get on a plane that often, haaaaaaaaail no. If it’s a couple hours in a car then I can deal. And everyone has their own limits with that as well.

        Either way, company should have been forthcoming and specific about this stuff at the very beginning.

  52. East Coast Commenter*

    Just a note that your lack of communication and/or off-on availability (the handfeeding all day ever day leads me to think you may not have been as “on” as a new junior employee is typically expected to be) is also contributing to the reactions of your boss and coworkers.

  53. ,a,a,,a*

    I am sorry, but how do you actually do your job with a schedule of, amongst other things “lot of hand feeding all day, every day. Almost all of these are a two-person job”?
    If you need daycare for a kid while working, this cannot be something that is reasonable to do while in a job.
    To me the travel issue is almost secondary to this clear work issue.

  54. Rooting for You, Cat Mama!*

    I feel this dilemma with my whole soul, although work travel is not my issue. I have an elderly dog with very high care needs, and my husband and I do not travel together right now because of it. She gets injections, is a PITA to feed, and has a complicated medication schedule…and if she does pass away, we want at least one of us to be with her if possible. I WFH, but do occasionally have to travel to conferences, etc. It is stressful even when we are not traveling, but some things do keep our sanity and our dog healthy.

    1. Lean into your fiancé. Can they do more than you think? We thought injections were a two-person job, but with practice, we were able to make it a one-person job. I realized that I was taking a lot of time off for the vet, etc., and asked my husband to step up a little more. Maybe your fiancé can help with some of the practical things that are making it hard to work in the way you need to right now.

    2. Hire help. There’s a lot of advice above about that. It’s just a reality of having a high-needs pet. Find several vet techs or pet sitters who can do high needs, etc., and have them help your finance do the meds or whatever is a two-person job. Find several people just in case one of your caretakers is unavailable.

    3. One of my biggest concerns about travel is that something will happen and she will have to be put down while I am not there. And that would SUCKKKK, but that is why we do not travel together anymore. My husband will be there. Or if he is traveling, I will be there. Is there someone the cat knows that could be a stand-in if the worst happens? (Would your finance be that person? One of your parents?) What could you do to relieve anxiety and sorrow about your cat being alone if the worst happens?

    4. Consider talking to a therapist. I finally did for many reasons, but pet caretaking was giving me a lot of anxiety that I did not even realize. It’s a lot. I know that many people scoff and say, “It’s just a pet,” and if it’s that much, then we should just let them go, but my dog is really fine- no real pain, problems controlled. She’s just 1000 years old and requires a lot of maintenance. She’s always been high maintenance, and her elder years have just added to it.

    5. Let people in! Be sure to communicate at work! You have gotten a lot of advice above about that. Not everyone is a pet person, and not everyone will understand. You will absolutely have to figure something out because ‘I can’t do anything ever because of my cat’ will not be a reasonable request. But just not doing things and not telling anyone why is not going to help you either, and there are going to be people who DO understand and might even have practical suggestions and local recommendations!

    I hope you can find something workable. That job sounds like it has a lot of other issues and you may need to find another place to work, but I understand that sometimes you can only do one emergency at a time.

    1. OP*

      I’m crying at my desk! Thank you for your thoughtful comments. This is also my first pet *ever* and having him turn out to be high-needs, despite being healthy when I took him on, has been tough.

      1. Allonge*

        OP, beyond what Rooting for you! wisely said: talk to your parents* specifically about the therapist / guilt stuff.

        Even if this was their first cat, they will understand that you cannot magically make it healthy again, and it’s not your fault that there may not be a long life for kitty.

        *As long as the relationship with them is healthy of course.

  55. JennG*

    Sorry, didn’t have time to read all the comments so this may be a repeat but LW wanted to focus on this: “I don’t feel I can stick all of this care on my fiancé, even if either of us could do it independently.”

    As a mom of two where both my spouse and I have fairly demanding jobs, learning to divide and conquer where you can is REALLY important. You can start with your cat! When I was pregnant with my second and my first was in daycare I had a non-negotiable work trip and my husband was on jury duty – and got sequestered for the week before my trip. So I was throwing up, caring for a preschooler, and sorting out family/friend care on my own…and sending messages through someone, I think it’s a bailiff? Not sure.

    But we made it and my husband picked my son up after just a few hours at my parents’. Sometimes to keep your job and career, you mobilize your community. Some suggestions are – a few friends to help your fiance, giving your fiance a break by paying a professional cat sitter or a vet tech to come in and do the deed, board the cat briefly, hire a local teen to do the hand feeding part.

    1. ferrina*

      Yes! If your fiancé is willing and capable, let them take care of you by doing this. Dividing and conquering is not just efficient, it’s also an act of trust (you trust that fiancé can handle things without you) and it’s an act of accepting love (they want to care for you! Please let them!).

      1. OP*

        Thank you all! Fiance is very willing and helpful, it’s just been such a recent diagnosis that we’re still figuring out a system that either of us can do independently.

  56. CubeFarmer*

    How would LW have handled the “some travel” part? It sounds as if she can’t travel at all.

    If this were my employee, and I were happy with their performance, I would want to help them develop a plan to accommodate this situation. If I had other issues, then I would use this as a way to encourage them to look elsewhere.

    1. Missy*

      I really feel for OP having a poorly pet but also feel they need a bit of reality check.

      A one off last minute cancellation when her cat first became unwell would be understood and a grace period of no travel for a couple weeks/months after but most employers would expect OP to working on getting alternative arrangements in place for future trips. A sick pet is very unlikely to be accepted as permanent reason not to travel where travel is specific requirement of the job. Some kinder managers may accept this but it is not standard practice in most businesses.

      While the employer may not have been clear at the outset saying ‘some travel’ the travel described does seem reasonable. Once a month in office for face to face time plus a few times a year for specific events is completely reasonable for remote working.

      I think this a cards on the table situation OP need’s to have a conversation with their boss, asking for explicit details about what travel the job requires and then set out what travel they are able to commit to. It would also be good to review the job description and contract of employment to see what stipulations for travel if any are stated before starting the conversation.

      But OP needs to be prepared to seek alternative employment if they cant reach a Suitable arrangement that works for both them and their boss.

  57. A*

    As a short term workaround, can some of the cat’s care when you travel be accomplished either via vet visit, or a petsitter helping your partner? When we had a dog on daily subcutaneous fluids (a 2 person job for us), occasionally the answer was a vet tech visit if only 1 of us could be available.

  58. I'm just here for the cats!!*

    I slightly disagree with Alison on the whole you cant expect people not to talk about it. It doesn’t sound like the OP told anyone but the boss. Why is he telling people the reason why she cant travel? If they ask all he has to say is there is a personal matter she has to attend to.

    I have a feeling that they are treating the op as a crazy cat lady. Especially the coworker who isn’t a pet person. I also feel like they are putting too much on a person who was supposed to be a junior member of this team and now she is the only one!!! I hope the OP is getting compensated if all the work is on them. Especially as a new employee. If I was the OP I would be casually looking for other work because I don’t think its a good sign that 1. your boss and at least one coworker is being a jerk about this, 2. that everyone in your team left shortly after you started so you are all alone, and 3. they seem to be adding more to your plate than what was agreed upon.

    Also I am side eying the boss for saying that he was disappointed that the OP wasn’t calling in on the way to the airport. Was he expecting her to take a call while driving????

    1. House On The Rock*

      There are a lot of red flags about the work environment, including that a coworker feels free to reprimand the LW and the boss seems to be calling her out in front of others. This was never and will never be a functional work environment, starting with the rest of the team quitting and LW having little-to-no support during on-boarding.

      LW talks about how they could have done a better job with communication but, honestly, setting the tone and standards for communication was on the boss and he pretty didn’t do a good job.

      1. I'm just here for the cats!!*

        You are right. If the OP wasn’t communicating then the boss should have been reaching out. But since he didn’t communicate I think its more on him.

  59. Connor*

    I really appreciate this letter today as I’m dealing with a similar issue. I started a new remote job that listed 5-10% travel. I’m not the only remote employee, but there are only a few and no others on my team. My boss is bad at communicating in general, amplified by me being remote.
    I have a medically fragile cat who receives meds 2-3 times per day. My first work trip, I wasn’t given enough heads-up to schedule a sitter and begged a friend to do it. She really struggled to medicate the cat but it got done. I explained to my boss that I require more lead time so I can hire a qualified sitter. That was trip #2 – and the “qualified sitter” couldn’t get meds in her at all. I was incredibly distracted the whole trip because I knew my cat was at home, in pain, peeing on everything.
    I got out of the third work trip (in 4 months) but only because in addition to the cat stuff, I had an appointment for a cardiac ultrasound that I needed (for me, not the cat) and couldn’t move the appointment. But I still got a 40-minute lecture on how my sick cat wasn’t an excuse to miss a work trip. This particular work trip also had no sales function and only two other people were flying in (the president and a VP).
    Today, I got the dates for my next work trip (4 weeks in advance, thank goodness) so have contacted my regular and specialist vet about a vet sitter for those days.
    Ultimately, I know I cannot stay at this job long-term because my boss belittles my cat’s illness at least once a week (he brings it up and then calls it anxiety – it’s not) among other things. My cat is also not old, so this isn’t a time limited burden right now. Plus I’m single and don’t have a person to give meds when I’m gone.
    All this to say – OP, I feel you so hard. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with insensitivity while doing what’s best for your pet. I hope you can find a new position where you and your cats aren’t subject to so much dysfunction.

  60. ferrina*

    No one else has commented on this and I get that it fell to the wayside with the cat, but it needs to be said-
    The transition from “Junior” to “only” member of the team is major. I have done this transition; I have managed other people who had to do this transition. The change in expectations is often major. As a Junior member, you expect more rote work and mentorship. As the Only member, you are making all the decisions and handling the full workflow, and you don’t have any benefit of institutional knowledge.

    How did the boss handle this? Did you get proper onboarding and support? If the expectations/responsibilities have significantly changed long term, was there a conversation about compensation changes or career development? Is the boss still giving you the necessary mentorship that would come with a junior role? If you are early career, are you getting any kind of guidance in general career/office things? Or did boss just sort of toss you in the fire and expect you to adapt? The answer to these questions will tell you a lot about who the boss is and whether you want to work for them long-term.

    1. OP*

      No onboarding, little mentorship and limited communication (though I’ve admitted already to not taking the steps I should be to fill that gap), no plans to hire others to backfill. It’s been overwhelming. Thank you for highlighting this!

      1. ferrina*

        Sending you so many hugs. I was afraid of that. And it sounds like you may be your boss’s first remote employee? That’s even worse- remote management requires different tactics than in-person management, and it sounds like your boss doesn’t know how to handle the transition. Which puts a ton of burden on you.

        On the bright side, the lack of backfill means that your boss will be more reluctant to fire you until work slows down. You’ve got some buffer to make yourself indispensable and try to mend fences.

        On the dark side, it’s not going to improve much. You’ll get better settled in what you do and the processes will get easier, but you already know that your boss won’t set you up for success- he’ll expect you to do that. 9 times out of 10, that means a boss that won’t advocate for you. Best case scenario, that’s going to stall out your career. Worst case, some jerk like your ex-army coworker is going to malign and sabotage you, and your boss won’t have your back.
        I recommend a low-key job search so you can leave on your own terms. I got my latest job by searching for 3-4 hours per week (2 hrs per day on 2 days per week). I’ve got a whole formula on how to make the most of your job search when you’ve got limited time/bandwidth- let me know if you want more on that. It takes longer than a full-on search, but it’s better than waiting for a not-great boss to change (because they never will)

        1. MigraineMonth*

          Agreed with everything here. You’re currently indispensable, but I can’t imagine things are going to change enough that you could actually succeed at your current role.

          So yeah, meet with your boss and do the baseline requirements for the current job, but aim to get another job in the next 3-6 months.

        2. OP*

          I’m the first who started remote – there’s been a few people who’ve been hybrid after working there for a while, or allowed to go remote after a few years, but it’s been tricky! I’d love any job search tips you have.

          1. ferrina*

            I know it’s a bit late, so hopefully you still see this. Here’s what helped me on my last job search when I have very little time/energy to search:

            1. Have a set time to search. Pick two days each week where you will actively search. Make it the same days each week so it’s predictable. Get your fiancé on-board- “Monday is my job search night, so can we do take-out for dinner?” Plan to do 2-3 hours each night.

            2. Set low expectations. You have a lot going on right now, so set a low bar for yourself. You want to avoid a guilt trap- if you set a high bar and don’t have the energy to reach it, you don’t want to beat yourself up and demoralize yourself (I frequently trap myself with this, so I have to be very careful with this). Make the goal of 2 applications per week. If you are on a roll and want to do more, great! If you are having a tough week and can’t, great! You still met your goal and should be proud.

            3. Resume first. For your first week, don’t apply to anything, just focus on your resume. I like to write a Master Resume. This has every job I’ve ever worked, and every accomplishment I ever had at that job. The Master Resume is too long to be useable- I think mine is 5 or 6 pages. But you’ll use the Master Resume to customize your applications. When you have a new application, you’ll start with a fresh copy of the Master Resume, then cut all the jobs/bullet points that are not as relevant. That way you’ll be left with the most compelling accomplishments for each individual application. And removing things is easier than adding- you know that there will be some days when you are emotionally and mentally exhausted, so we’re making this as easy on you as possible. I find it easiest to spend one day writing everything, then a different day editing formatting, spelling and punctuation.

            4. Cover letter second. The second week, you’ll do your Master Cover Letter. You want a standard Intro Paragraph and Concluding Paragraph, then 5-8 Body Paragraphs that will each highlight a different soft skill or anecdote that shows how awesome you are. If you feel awkward bragging about how amazing you are, it can help to have a glass of wine, incense or candle, or any other sort of aid that helps you get some swagger in your writing (you can always edit it on a different day). Again, the Master Cover Letter will be too long to actually use. For each application, you’ll use the Intro Paragraph, 2-3 of the most relevant Body Paragraphs, and the Conclusion. You’ll need to do some light editing each time to make sure the letter flows, but it is much easier than always writing from scratch. Again, I like to do all my writing on one day, then go back on a different day to clean up formatting.

            5. Organize your application materials. You may already do this, but if you don’t- make a folder for each place you apply to. I like to title these folders JobTitle-Company-Date. Save your customized resume and cover letter in this folder. Always copy the job description and save it in the folder as well. This way if it’s weeks before they call you back, you can quickly reference what on earth it was. I also like to keep an Excel file of where I applied, when, and what stage it is at, but I’m also a data nerd.

            6. Apply to one safe job and one fun job. This is a rough guideline. The important thing is that you are applying to both jobs you are likely to be a strong candidate for and jobs that look fun. Applying to jobs that look fun is a good way to keep up morale- when you are even mildly happy about turning in an application, that’s positive reinforcement for next time. And the safe jobs are the ones you are more likely to get.

            7. When you’ve done your 2 hours, you’re done. Don’t job search on your down time. Don’t think about job searching on your down time. Your brain needs a break, and you will be a better job candidate if you are more relaxed and able to put your better foot forward. If you are excited and energetic about the job search, you can do extra time. But if even a part of you doesn’t want to, don’t do the overtime. Self-care can be an investment in your job search.

            8. Walk away from a bad job opportunity. If you’ve never done this before, I highly recommend it. It’s very empowering. If you are getting bad vibes from a place, even if you can’t figure out why, withdraw your candidacy. You don’t want to go from the frying pan into the fire, and you aren’t yet in desperate straits. (If you need a sounding board, the AAM Friday open thread is great.)

            Good luck!!!

  61. OP*

    OP here, thanks for the thoughtful responses from everyone! I won’t be able to keep replying all day, especially since it seems my job is in jeopardy :), but I wanted to clarify a few things:

    0. I am not making any comparisons like “this cat is my baby,” “this cat is my family,” etc. For all of you that have struggled with caring for family members while working, or those who manage it well, I am so sorry and I don’t want you to think I see it the same way. In the end, a cat is a cat (even if he’s *my* cat and I’d do anything for him).
    1. The consensus seems to be that I have a bad attitude and the cat is a red herring, and I’m grateful to hear your balanced perspectives on that. My job is okay, but it’s not what I had signed up for. The way this job started out is contributing to the way I’m handling it and I’m deeply stressed on the personal front (including but not limited to the cat), but I’m not proud of my professionalism in this specific conversation and my professional reputation is important to me.
    2. The cat was not sick when I took him on, and my folks live many states away and are not able to help (think a 12-hour series of flights, not a couple hours’ drive). My guess is that my partner will be able to care independently soon (and he’s wonderful – no more implications that he’s unable or unwilling, please), but the diagnosis is recent and we haven’t yet gotten a system down that one person can accomplish. No friends in the area. Cat will have progress evaluated in two weeks and we’ll be having hard conversations about euthanasia if things haven’t improved substantially, which is part of why I’ve been handling this as if it is a short-term situation (because it most likely will be). Hindsight 20/20, I’m not sure I would have disclosed the situation to my employer at all.
    3. I wish I had had a definition of “some” before I started, (and next time I accept a job I’ll be asking!) and I think my boss’ definition of “some” changed when he found out my coworkers were resigning. I’m glad to know how commenters personally define it! For my kind of role, once a month was not my expectation.
    4. The events have been primarily for facetime purposes for a couple of days in a row, not outward-facing events, and I’m aware of only one time that a coworker was put in the position of filling in for me (and it wasn’t the coworker described above).
    5. Thank you all for the helpful cat care tips and well wishes! I wish my guy was more motivated by food, but Churu is working for now for distraction on injections. He wises up to pilling tricks within a few days. B12 really seems to help him perk up.

    Hiring a vet tech is a great suggestion. If I haven’t gotten my shit together by the next time I’m asked to travel and he’s in good enough health to leave him at home, I’ll look into that. I’ll get some time on my boss’ calendar later this week to have a hard conversation about performance and travel expectations, and I’ll try to avoid discussing my coworkers’ comments.

    I think I see where my boss and coworkers are coming from. It may be that my reputation with my boss here cannot be remedied, but while I’m here, I will be making more efforts to communicate frequently and excel in my duties while caring for my cat.

    Cross your fingers for my little fellow. I could not forgive myself if I were away when he decides it is time to go, so if it’s between that and this job, it’s an easy choice. I’ll be sure to send in an update when I have substantial news.

    1. House On The Rock*

      OP I just want to say again best of luck to you and the cat. This was a really well thought out and measured update.

      I’m sorry there were so many aspersions cast at you, your cat, and your fiance! As you say, hindsight is 20/20 and if you had all the answers you wouldn’t be writing to an advice column. For whatever it’s worth, know that people are pulling for you and understand that this is not a situation of your own making! Give your baby an extra Churru and head scratch when you can!

    2. THAT girl*

      Hi, OP. I commented below before I saw your update. So, you can basically disregard most of what I said, lol. It seems like you were able to take a lot of the advice here very maturely and were open to other perspectives without being defensive. So, good for you. Like I mentioned, I assume that you are fairly new to the professional world but you seem to be catching on fast and are taking what you have learned from this situation to better yourself and your work practices. I wish you the best with your cat and with your employment be it with your current employer or elsewhere!

    3. T.N.H*

      OP, you have been an absolute champ in the comments despite receiving some criticism. It seems you’re really taking Alison’s advice to heart. I wish you kitty (and fiance) all the best!

      1. OP*

        Thanks! The pile-on is a little rough but I’d admit that I haven’t handled this very well. Having the chance to clarify a few things in the comments has been helpful in separating what is frustration with the job vs. concrete steps I can take.

    4. Misseria*

      I could not forgive myself if I were away when he decides it is time to go, so if it’s between that and this job, it’s an easy choice.

      That’s your prerogative, and I hope that you do what works out best for you in the end. But, I do recommend discussing this possibility with your fiancé first and making sure they understand what it might come down to. You two can also put plans in place together.

      1. OP*

        Good point! My fiance is aware and on board with that plan, and has been infuriated on my behalf (hence part of why I wrote to get some other perspectives). I’m so grateful he’s been rolling with the punches so well with this cat!

    5. M2RB*

      Having had a sick cat that required fluids, injections, and pills, I understand some of the stress you are under! I hope your plan for your job works out the way you want and need it to, and I am sending good wishes to you, your fiancé, and your cat.

    6. Daphne*

      Here is what I am hearing:

      You are having some difficulties in your personal life, and you are frustrated by your job situation. Together, these things have impacted how you show up at work.

      I have been in places where various stressors impacted my emotional regulation to the point that I was snappy at work. In *none* of those circumstances were my workplaces interested at all in what was going on with me, not even when they had the ability to listen to my workplace frustrations and make changes that would lessen my frustration. In *all* cases, all they cared about was that I stop being snappy at work.

      I think it’s safest for you to go forward assuming that your workplace will do nothing about your lack of a team to provide mentoring or about the increase in travel over what was initially described, and assuming that they primarily want you to stop being inflexible and combative at work.

      With regards to your kitty and end of life decisions, can you reframe how you think about making choices for him to go? While you want to be there with him for your sake, the best thing for *him* is that you provide the right care and quality of life, which includes a good death at the right time. The right time might be while you are there or might not be. If it’s the latter, you have been the best pet owner you can be by letting him go without you.

      1. OP*

        Intellectually, I know that. We’re tallying up the good and the bad days, one day at a time. It still doesn’t make it feel easier, though.

    7. Jaina Solo*

      OP, I hope your cat gets better! Been thru various hard things with pets over the years and even one of my worst management teams was supportive when we had a pet loss. To me, someone who puts down the responsibility you have to a pet is a jerk and not worth your time.

      If no one else has said this, my two cents–don’t argue with jerks. If it’s not someone you report to, they don’t need to know about your situation. You aren’t subject to their judgment and trying to explain yourself puts you at a disadvantage. You’re much better off ignoring their comments and moving on to work topics. If they circle back to it, their continued commentary will reflect poorly on them. It’s going to be hard because you’ll want to explain but you don’t owe them anything.

      If you can, provide an update so we know how you and your cat are? Best of luck!

      1. OP*

        Will provide an update as soon as something major happens cat or job-wise! Cat had a good day yesterday, a little less so today.

    8. Jiminy Cricket*

      OP, it’s not often people take on and synthesize feedback this well. I’m impressed.

      FWIW, if I ever faced the absolute choice between my cats and my career, I’m lucky enough to be able to say, “cats,” each and every time. But real-life choices are rarely ever truly that stark, so I feel confident you can find a solution, at this job or the next.

    9. Happy*

      Good luck, OP, and thank you for engaging in the comments.

      I would be abrasive, too, if someone told me that my sick dog was a personal problem.

      I’m really glad that my boss and coworkers react with empathy to those sorts of “personal problem” – I hope you can find a better environment and your cat improves.

    10. MigraineMonth*

      Hey OP, seconding what everyone’s saying about you doing a great job reflecting and taking advice. I’m just going to say that the flipside of point 1 is that you are in a pretty impossible position, job-wise.

      In order to succeed at a new job you need good onboarding, training in skills you don’t know yet, a reasonable and well-defined workload, good relationships with coworkers, and clear communication from your manager. Do you have any of those?

      So you have a “bad attitude” and haven’t been communicating as well as you should have at this job. You could try to stick it out, over-communicate, learn to pretend everything’s fine; or you could find a job that actually sets you up for success. In my experience, the easiest way to improve one’s attitude is to find a better job where you’re not stressed to the breaking point.

    11. Teaching teacher*

      When you said you had to do fluids and everyone is responding like it’s easy for one person to do that I was really feeling for you. My daughter was on school break when my cat started fluids but then she went back to college and I was on my own. I really thought I was going to have to take the cat to the vet twice a week to do this but then coincidentally, I moved an outgrown changing table to the basement on the same day my kid got a costume that came with a plastic chain, and I was able to hang the chain from the basement ceiling and hang the iv bag on the chain with a hammock hook and burrito wrap the cat on the changing table…. all that to say, there are solutions but sometimes the solutions are really hard to come up with when you are deep in the middle of everything! I had a separate problem with a pet gate and it had been a problem for over a year and on my first day of a vacation the solution just popped in my head…. when every day the problem is crushing you, it’s hard to get out from under it to evaluate what your options are.

    12. Elsajeni*

      I’m glad you have a timeline for that progress evaluation, both for your job and for your sanity — I’ve had a couple of elderly cats with chronic illness and really wish I had been able to get more of that kind of “overall evaluation, what are we doing here” meeting with my vets rather than a bunch of “manage this new symptom”-type scattershot appointments. I can understand that at this point you may not want to tell anyone at work any more about the situation, but I think it’s worth considering whether sharing that timeline might help — you don’t have to get into the details, but a broad-strokes overview like “the cat is expected to need this level of care for X more weeks,” maybe. Your boss might be more willing to be flexible if he knows that there’s an end point (hopefully because your cat makes a full recovery!) in sight.

  62. THAT girl*

    First of all, I am so sorry about your cat. I know how difficult it is, first hand. And I am a huge animal lover (7 cats, 3 dogs currently) so I know they are truly family. You don’t say how old you are or how long you’ve been in the workforce but since your 16 year old cat was your childhood pet, I assume that you are fairly early in your career. I understand your disppointment with the travel expectations of your job and whether or not they were clearly communicated from the beginning etc. But one thing that you need to understand is, your employer is free to change the terms of your employment at any time. (as long as there isn’t a contract–that’s more complicated but still not necessarily a deal-breaker) The reality is, things change. Business needs change. Staffing needs change. And businesses need to adapt to those changes sometimes in ways that aren’t beneficial or convenient to their employees. This is just the way it works. It is okay if that is not okay with you. Maybe it’s time for you to look for something that more closely aligns with your needs. But again, keep it mind, that is no guarantee that everything will always stay the same.

  63. Colette*

    I think there are a few things here, and they boil down to communication.

    1) Did you and the boss discuss what “some travel” looked like before you took the job? Because once a month might qualify.
    2) Are you having discussions about the events you’re missing and the impact? Because it doesn’t sound like you are (My boss came in and said that he was disappointed I wasn’t calling in on my way to the airport, then jumped in. )
    3) It also sounds like you’re disregarding what your boss is saying (e.g. saying “find a way to attend if at all possible” doesn’t seem like something you should ignore because your cat is starting a new treatment plan, especially when there is another adult in the house.)

    I think you need to take quick action to improve this – figure out what you’re willing to do (travel monthly & hire help, travel once a year, never travel) and talk with your manager to see if that works for the company.

    It also doesn’t sound like this is a short-term problem, so there is a limit to the amount of slack it is reasonable to ask others to pick up for you. (They may also be dealing with life circumstances!)

    And, if you end up job hunting, be really clear about what you can offer, particularly with respect to travel but also with respect to working from the office, and make sure that you have an agreement, not just a vague affirmative response.

  64. MeowMix*

    I’m sorry about your cat and what you’re going through. This is tough.

    However, I am on the rude coworker’s side in terms of the message. Now, I would not say that to my coworker’s face, but Rude Coworker sure as heck is not the only one who feels that way. He did you an incredible favor by letting you know exactly how you come across. Yes, he was absolutely rude, but you seemed to be going about this whole situation as if it’s totally fine to skip out on work events, with minimal and late communication. Perhaps you can carry this information to your next job, which hopefully you will be able to get into soon.

    You may feel disrespected and distrusted and gossiped about, but it is because you haven’t proven to be a trusted colleague. And people are talking about why they cannot count on you to do your job. That’s sharing useful information, not gossip.

    Again, Rude Coworker as absolutely rude! But his general message wasn’t wrong. I hope that at the very least you can see how all of this reads to people who need you to do what you said you would do.

    I’m sorry about your cat, though. For real. I hope you get as many precious moments with Whiskers as possible.

  65. Just Thinkin' Here*

    “Some travel” is vague and can be incredibly misleading. Other responders are saying ‘One trip per month – that’s simple right’? Except, how long is that trip? A week at a time? Now you’ve gone from ‘occasional’ work travel to 25% of your life. That’s a HUGE difference in being able to coordinate personal life such as doctor appointments, pets, and god-forbid a family. No, it’s not fair to leave the other spouse with 100% 24-7 child care responsibility for that long when they didn’t sign up for it.

    Time to have a real serious conversation with your manager. Also, start looking for a new job, because anytime the ‘entire department’ resigns at once, you know there is something very wrong with the management at the division, if not the company.

  66. Anoni*

    For the record, being a mother of a young child, if I couldn’t attend required conferences due to their illnesses, I would be expected to use my sick time. We can argue whether it’s fair that sick time applies to children and not pets, or that you likely don’t have much accrued at this point when this tragedy struck, but it is not true that folks with kids get easy passes not to travel.

    1. mbs001*

      Actually it is true because no one is going to tell you that you need to leave your sick kid — as much as they may want to. And your sick child gives you some FMLA protections. A sick pet does not.

  67. Mindy…from the Network*

    I was you, 20 years ago.

    My darling Kitty (DK) was diagnosed with Renal cancer and I was supposed to start a new project that required travel. I only said that a family member was ill so team members knew there was an issue but I didn’t think they needed to know all the details. I also had a brand new BF who was allergic to DK.

    Then I started with my vet’s office and found a tech that did home visits for a side hustle. They were the answer to a prayer, especially since their partner was also in the medical field and able to help cover home visits.

    Yes, it was a leap of faith but you might want to see if there are any techs or services in your area that could help. I even provided BF and the home tech with a Health Care Proxy to make decisions for DK in my absence.

    Epilogue, we made it work, it wasn’t always ideal but my team knew that I was dealing with things and had home health care. That helped a lot if I needed a favor. DK responded well to chemo and lived another 10 years. 18 months after DK’s initial dx BF and I were married, I had a heart shaped picture of DK in my bouquet and MANY members of DK’s care team were in attendance.

    You are in my thoughts.

  68. Anne Elliot*

    This is going to seem harsh but has the virtue of being true: If I had an employee who knew all along that their job involved “some travel” who later informed me that they “wouldn’t be committing to travel until their cat resolves his illness or passes,” I would separate that person from the company due unavailability/unwillingness to complete essential job functions. And it would not be punitive, honestly. Rather, your priorities do not align with the company’s priorities and you are not on the same page in terms of what you can commit to give them versus what they have told you they need. And that’s okay! Sincere best of luck to you AND your cat, but this is just not the company for you.

    1. Annie*

      My understanding of the situation is that OP started the job thinking “some travel” meant “one day per quarter, maybe a little more than that” and then the cat acquired a medical issue that required daily intensive care.

      By that logic, a “sorry, can’t make it this time, pet has medical emergency” might have made sense given that by the next time travel to the office would be scheduled, the medical issue would likely be resolved by full recovery, death, or care plan in place.

      But the revelation that “some travel” meant “one 3-4 day trip to the office per month, possibly more” changed the calculations somewhat, meaning it’s much more likely the OP will next be asked to travel before caring arrangements for a (still) sick cat are fully fleshed out.

  69. UpstateDownstate*

    OP, I’m so sorry about your cat. My cat passed a few months ago and was not that elderly (or I could be in denial) but I found it so hard to balance my FT job, my consulting gig, and my cat’s care. I felt that I needed to be around because, as I am sure you already know, they can take a turn for the worse so quickly. I’m sorry that you are having to deal with this while also trying to make your way at a new job.

    I don’t doubt that there’s a lot of great advice here already, just wishing you all the best in this situation and that I hope your cat’s health improves.

  70. I'm the Phoebe in Any Group*

    Early in your letter, you said all the other coworketr in your department resigned. At the same time? Either way, that’s a big deal and a huge red flag. From your discusion, it sounds like you being the entire department had been going on for months. That does not boad well. It’s probably time to admit this is not working out and start looking for another remote job with a better company.

  71. Brevity*

    I’m taking the Vegas odds that all the coworkers resigned because of This Isn’t How It’s Done In The Army Dude.

    OP, I am genuinely sorry about your pet, and hope that he gets better soon.

  72. QED*

    One thing I wanted to add is that it’s possible the reason the CEO is asking you to come in person once a month is because you’re now the whole team instead of just the junior member with senior people in between you and him–maybe he feels like having you in the office will both help him to manage you (since he wouldn’t have been directly managing you before?) and beneficial to you because it’s easier for you to ask him things. I obviously don’t know the CEO and can’t know this, but if assigning charitable motives will help you reframe going in person once a month as a thing that might have some value rather than an unnecessary chore, do it. I also wouldn’t see it as something you get a choice in deciding the importance of, particularly since there have been communication issues. If months or a year from now, when you and your manager have a good relationship and good communication, then you can revisit the necessity of going in person. But for now, whatever way helps you accept that it’s not optional is the way to go.

    I also totally hear you on all of the cat issues, and as others have said, if you’re willing to lose your job over your cat then it doesn’t matter, but if you want to rehabilitate your image at work, now is not the time to revisit travel expectations, it’s not the time to go rushing out of work events or canceling them, and it’s not the time to argue (even justifiably!) about the importance of pets with your co-worker. If you’re really trying to get your boss and coworkers to see you as the awesome professional you want to be, the answer when next asked to travel has to be yes and your manager can’t think you’re a flake. Your great fiancé needs to be just as empowered as you are to make decisions about the cat’s health so that if you’re at a work event and can’t deal with it, someone else can. I’m definitely not a vet, but when you talk to them about the possibility of euthanasia, and there’s the potential that it will happen when you’re on a work trip, talk to them about potential solutions. Is there a way to make your cat comfortable for a day or two until you return? Can you be okay being there over FaceTime or other video chat as long as your fiancé’s there to sit with the cat? I don’t mean for that to sound callous, but if this is a long-term situation, I don’t think the solution can be that you refuse to travel at all or that you cut the travel short if something happens (and still keep your job and a reasonably good relationship with your boss).

  73. DJ*

    I can also see where the workplace is coming from as the requirement to come in is rare ie once a month and the workplace is paying for flights and accommodation.
    Is there any indication of how long the cat will need some intense treatment? Can the fiancé take the odd day off when LW is away?

  74. TheBunny*

    Get a new job. Pick the cat.

    In all seriousness, the worst managers and coworkers I’ve ever had have one thing in common: they don’t like animals.

    I’m not sure if that’s what’s actually going on here, but I would be looking for another job and prioritizing my pet.

    I hope your cat is ok! Mine has pancreatitis and once they get past the pain caused by eating it does seem to turn around. He’s still on special food but it’s been well controlled and he’s happy and thriving at 14.

    1. The Dog Whisperer*

      I fail to see any evidence that the manager “doesn’t like animals.” (The co-worker who made the comment about the army, maybe.) Indeed, the manager even told OP to “take the cat with you” to events. As someone observed above, that idea may or may not be workable, but at least it shows the manager is open to finding some kind of solution.

      Even if the manager is a huge animal person, she still needs to run the company, or at least her slice of it, and get results. She hired OP to do a job that explicitly involved travel, and OP is refusing to do much — realistically, any — travel at all.

    2. ThatOtherClare*

      I’m with TheBunny here. I probably would have left and resumed my job search upon finding out that everyone else on the team had simultaneously bailed. That’s not exactly a good sign indicating your remaining colleagues are lovely kind friendly people who are good at compromise and understanding other people’s situations.

      Of course alleviating the suffering of a living sentient being with the self awareness level of being able to recognise itself in a mirror is more important than making sure all the teacups at your company’s next event have their handles aligned to the right, or whatever.

      If this company is so poorly run that missing out on having you, specifically, on site as Chief Teacup Handle Aligner is going to sink them then it’s even more important to get out asap. Everyone seems to be missing the fact that you didn’t sign up for travel, it was dumped on you on day one after you’d already committed. There’s no shame in refusing to hang around after a bait-and-switch, even though the company didn’t intend it to be that way.

      I was in your position. I took over care of my 15 year old childhood cat as an adult with a job. He passed away suddenly with no warning and it wrecked me. I took 2 days sick leave because I was a whimpering mess, but I wasn’t right for a month. My boss had previously told me that he wasn’t a pet person and didn’t like animals. In a different conversation he implied he thought people in mourning over relatives were weak and should just get over it (he was odd, he was also afraid of the microwave). Nothing was ever said about my cat, but he immediately approved my leave, I returned to work to a bar of chocolate on my desk, and I later realised he did a portion of my workload himself that month. That’s how decent people act in this kind of situation.

      Childhood pets are different because our child brains encode our family pets as people. For you, this will be indistinguishable from taking care of a grandparent. I still feel sad when my current cats get sick, but nothing compared to the aching, gut twisting, guilt, pain and fear that I felt whenever my first cat got so much as a sniffle. You’re not some kind of soft idiot who is doomed to choosing pets over work for the rest of your life. Your instincts are RIGHT. He IS special. You’ve got the rest of your life to work. It’s ok to put him first for a little bit. I would argue it’s the responsible choice for your long term mental health, actually. Please give your fluffy boy a chin scritch for me. I hope his tummy stops hurting soon <3

      1. TheBunny*

        This.

        The cat is a living thing who feels pain and if anything like my cat 100000% recognizes his people. Being there for him and giving him this chance… well…I can’t say that I would quit as luckily I’ve never had to make a similar choice, but I certainly can’t rule it out.

      2. ThatOtherClare*

        Also, please don’t be alarmed by the close ages of my cat, your cat and TheBunny’s cat. Mid-teens is around the cat equivalent of a human in their early 60s. That’s about when you’d expect more serious chronic health conditions to start showing up, but plenty of humans haven’t even retired by then!

        My Grandmother was a farm girl and she always told me that her cats lived to about twenty. My other childhood cat did in fact live to 21. She was definitely a rickety little old lady by then. Her muzzle was grey, one of her whiskers went white, and her legs were bowed and stiff. She couldn’t retract her claws any more, but she got great joy from announcing her own arrival with a deliberate ticky-tack, ticky-tack. She’d ask you to lift her onto a chair or the bed, then complain at you as you did it. She’d also tell you off if she was sitting on you and you dared to so much as shift your weight. She had dementia at the very end, so she’d get ‘lost’ in unoccupied rooms and have to shout for someone to come and find her. But she was very happy, living a peaceful and dignified life moving from sun patch to sun patch. Ordinary cats can and do live that long.

        Your fluffy boy has another half a decade in his genes, so there’s no need to fear for him yet. He’s a cat. There’s no way to make me believe he won’t find a way to claim every last sunny patch that he wants to claim in exactly the manner that suits him.

  75. Dana*

    I don’t have kids. I have as an adult had 4 cats, and many have lived to quite old age.

    I also have a job that involves travel.

    Alison nailed it that “some” travel is the issue here. I think you may need to start looking for a new position, either within your company or outside. When interviewing (or after you’ve been offered a job) its worth asking explicitly what travel will be required. Its common to phrase the travel expectation as a percent of time in many industries so that may be a place to start.

    But no matter what you do get specifics. This job requires you to “travel to HQ once a month” could be a single long day, an overnight, or a full week and those impact your personal life very differently.

    The role I’m in could be 10% travel or 80% depending on the particular team and what projects you are on. Some of that could be international or could all be domestic within ~1 hour plane ride. As a manager I try very hard to explain in detail what’s expected, but it has still shocked some folks that when I said 25% travel I meant it and that not all of that was 100% up to their control. When our needs shift I do try to let folks know that the travel expectations of their role will be changing and work with them to brainstorm options if that will be an issue, but at some point the needs of the company are what they are.

  76. MistOrMister*

    I have been in my current position for a year and my cat was just diagnosed with cancer. I am extremely fortunate that her treatment requires only a once weekly vet visit and since I am remote I can start early on the appointment day and take a long lunch. That being said, even having been here for a year and everyone being very understanding, I am doing everything I can to ensure that these appointments cause as little disruption to my boss and coworkers as possible. It is certainly unkind when people treat pet care as if it is unimportant, however, I think when you have been hired in a role where travel is expected, you have to make that work around your pet care where possible. For someone who lived alone and couldn’t afford the extra costs for a pet sitter that can also give medications, I could understand having a discussion with the boss and laying that out as a problem. However, when you have someone else available who presumably lives in the same space and knows how to give the medicines, there really is not the same leeway to refuse travel. I think to an extent the issue is a little confused because it can be a “my pet deserves care too even though it isn’t a person” matter. But, you had a human child with a medical condition requiring a certain amount of care and signed on for a job that you knew required travel, you would not necessarily be able to get away with saying you want to be on hand for all their treatments along with your S.O. People would likely still question the matter.

  77. Figaro*

    A lot of people really, really don’t get “pet people” and never will.

    I don’t have any pets but my sister does and I understand how some people see them truly as family.

    A lot of people see pets much more like a hobby. They would see this much more akin to “I can’t join the event, there’s been a crisis at my netball club.”

    I’m absolutely not saying that’s right. But it’s how it many will see it.

    I’d job hunt and also find professional ways of exploring the culture on pet care during the interview process if you can.

  78. Raida*

    I think, for things in the calendar that are well ahead, you need to be seen to make an effort to have arrangements to look after the cat for the days you are gone.
    You have another person at home already, so he needs a backup person to help with the medications as much as possible?
    Do you two have any animal lover friends or neighbours?
    Could you pay someone to come around to help – and if so then present the costs to your boss and ask if this solution is reasonable and can these additional costs be lessened at all by the business chipping in to what is essentially your travel costs?

    I suggest this because you’ve said you “don’t feel I can stick all of this care on my fiancé…” which means you…? Haven’t discussed it? How about you really seriously sit down and go through the logistics of you being away and see what solutions you two can come up with *together* because he’s already helping, he already acknowledges this is important to you, he’s already accepting these vet costs for the household.

  79. TootsNYC*

    I’d be looking harder for someone I could recruit/pay to help my fiancé with the cat when I need to be away.

  80. Susan*

    Can you board your kitty with your vet and have him take care of kitty when you have to leave town?
    I’m in a similar situation and am doing that.

  81. L*

    It could be industry specific and maybe some different phrasing was used but I’d normally interpret “some travel” as at least once a month, so this doesn’t seem to be a huge bait and switch to me.

    No one should be mocking you for wanting to care for your cat, of course, but accommodations for pet care aren’t normally a company benefit in the way that dealing with a terminally ill parent or child would be. Even in those cases – companies should do what they can to accommodate, but if travel to events and conferences is a critical part of the job description, there’s only so much they can do before deciding the job is not a good fit, especially for a new hire. If you had been working at this company for five years and had a track record of travel and attending events and succeeding in your job, they’d probably be more likely to see this as a temporary blip and know that eventually you’d be able to get back to filling your job responsibilities, but when you have no historical track record at the company, aren’t able to fulfill certain job duties, and it’s kind of open ended with no clear timeline for when you’ll be able to, that’s tough.

  82. stockholm*

    As someone who has had sick aging beloved pets, I understand. But if boarding is not an option, I think OP needs to get home care help for her cat when they are away. You may be able to hire a vet tech to come in to the house or a skilled petsitter.

    I do think it’s a LOT to ask your workplace to reimburse this, and I advise against even asking if you want to be taken seriously as a colleague/employee. The vast majority of workplaces don’t even reimburse child care or elder care costs. I think most bosses would just laugh incredulously if you asked and I’m kind of astounded that people are suggesting you do that here.

    Even if they do give it to you, I just don’t see becoming “the person who wanted us to pay for pet sitting when they had a spouse at home” benefitting OP at work at all. It will only make them take you less seriously.

  83. Malogica Software*

    This situation sounds incredibly challenging! Balancing a demanding job while caring for a sick pet is tough. It’s essential to communicate openly with your boss about your limitations and clarify expectations regarding travel. While pets may not receive the same understanding as children, your circumstances deserve consideration. Prioritize both your cat’s health and your work responsibilities, and seek a supportive dialogue with your team. You’re not alone in this!

  84. catexotica*

    Persian kittens have such a distinctive and adorable look. Their flat faces and fluffy tails are just irresistible. They’re gentle, loving, and make the best snuggle buddies.

  85. BL*

    This job is not a good fit for you. It’s time to move on. Your reputation with your boss and co-workers will be very hard to rehabilitate. My job requires travel once a month. I was a single mom to two children when I took the role and managed it. I now live alone with my kids grown and two dogs at home, and need to make accommodations for them when I travel. My options are to meet my company’s needs in the role or move on. If I were your boss, I’m sorry to say, but I’d move you on.

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