I share an office with someone who won’t stop talking

by Alison Green on September 30, 2024

A reader writes:

Due to renovations, I’m temporarily sharing an office with another employee. We work different jobs, but are technically peers. He is, frankly, driving me crazy.

Every question that comes across his mind, he gets up and asks me. Most of these are surprisingly basic questions. Some questions are work-related. Some are random, like how long of a drive it is to get to Chicago.

For the first week or so, I humored this, but when I realized it would be ongoing, I started a different tactic. I wouldn’t give him a direct answer, just reroute him where to find the information he was looking for. For instance, he would ask when a meeting was, I’d ask if he got the pertinent email, and when he responded he had, I’d state the time was listed in the email but I didn’t know it offhand. This didn’t in any way deter him, and he continued with the questions. One day I kept track and found that over an eight-hour period, he asked me 75 questions. These were everything from asking what someone’s phone number is to what time the local bagel place was open until!

I tried wearing headphones, but he would pull them out of my ears to ask his questions, which just was more jarring.

How do I deal with this without losing my sanity?

I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

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      2. tina turner*

        Touching the headphones is the last straw — is there HR to turn to? They should understand that’s too far.
        75 questions a day is too far too.
        You say it’s temporary but now is the time to speak up, maybe expedite the move.

        Reply ↓
    2. Kat*

      lol I also thought “I’d be tempted to punch the guy”. Who the erf has the audacity to pull someone’s head phones out?!!

      Also, I am always so surprised that when faced with someone who is this much of a glass bowl, the LW is STILL at a loss of how to respond.

      1. “DO NOT pull out my headphones. DO NOT touch me in any way.”

      2. “You are frequently asking me questions that a)I would have no clue what the answer is (bagel shop) b) you are capable of finding the answers elsewhere. This is highly disruptive to my work and ability to concentrate. Please stop asking me questions unless they are DIRECTLY related to my work AND is information you require to complete your work”. (If they don’t believe you, point to 75 questions).

      3. If said behaviour continues, loop in your/his manager and tell them you have directly asked him to stop, he refuses. Can you please change desks or have someone else assigned to his office, or they speak to him directly.

      This is not a hard problem to solve!! The guy is CLEARLY clueless as in, he hasn’t picked up on the clues! lol. So. Speak. Directly. To. Him. And. Tell. Him. To. Stop. Interrupting. You!

      I have at times kicked myself for not standing up for myself, but I feel like the most basic interpersonal skill people should have mastered after kindergarten is the ability to tell someone “I don’t like when you do X. Please stop”. It’s honestly not that hard in most cases.

      Reply ↓
      1. Cassandra*

        I get what you’re saying, but I believe your response is overly harsh and does not take into account the diversity of experiences other people may have had. It is really common for people (especially neurodiverse people and trauma victims) to be conflict-averse enough that they can’t pull something like this off without encouragement and help. It’s also really common for people (especially women) to have been explicitly taught that such a response to someone is rude and should never be said so bluntly, regardless of the circumstances. I know I am trying to recover from such an upbringing, and I know many others. There are also abuse victims who have been conditioned that standing up for yourself makes things worse.

        It should never surprise you that the human experience is vast and varied. But telling someone ‘Every person over the age of 6 should already be able to solve this problem; it’s not hard’ will never help anybody. It IS hard- prohibitively hard- for some people, and they need encouragement and acknowledgment that it’s okay.

        Reply ↓
      2. Kella*

        Many people face severe consequences for setting hard boundaries like this, either in childhood or as a result of marginalization. Telling someone clearly to stop is only easy if a. you’ve been taught the skill of how to do this b. it has actually resulted in the behavior stopping when you’ve attempted it and c. there wasn’t seriously threatening fall-out blamed on you.

        Reply ↓
      3. Kella*

        Also, someone posted the update to the original publication of this letter in a comment below. OP says in the update that while it wasn’t obvious from their letter, they *had* asked the officemate to stop and explained it was disruptive. This didn’t stop the questions.

        Reply ↓
    4. Dawn*

      I remember reading this one not that long ago and I thought exactly the same thing.

      PULL MY EARPHONES OUT OF MY EARS and I’m going to have a reflex reaction that you’re going to regret.

      Reply ↓
      1. I Have RBF*

        Yeah, that level of physical contact when I’m not expecting it would get a reflexive reaction meant to dissuade muggers. I’m AFAB, have taken self defense courses, and have a significant startle reflex. Don’t touch me, especially when I’m concentrating.

        Reply ↓
    5. earlthesachem*

      I occasionally joke that “he needed killin'” is a valid defense against murder in Texas. I don’t know where this poor person works, but I hope they don’t have to put it to the test.

      Reply ↓
  2. for the love of god...*

    Pulling headphones out of another person’s ears?! I would “accidentally” slap him under the justification of being startled while focusing.

    Reply ↓
  3. Hlao-roo*

    There was an update to this letter, #2 on the “updates: the boss in the one-night stand’s apartment, the cross-examining manager, and more” post from December 18, 2019.

    I’ll post a link in a follow-up comment, but the short version is the letter-writer held firm on deflecting the questions, the office mate started asking (and annoying) more people down the hall, and he was eventually moved to a different office space and a different role in the company.

    Reply ↓
      2. e271828*

        I don’t understand why this mid-level employee who distracted and annoyed everyone around him even after being told not to was treated like an obstreperous first-grader and seated next to Teacher instead of being fired.

        Reply ↓
    2. Frank Doyle*

      That’s a great read, thank you for telling us where to find it! The original email has a few extra details too which only lead one to be MORE frustrated in this dude.

      Side note, the final “update” signs off with “Cheers to 2020!” Sigh. Ah, the innocence of late 2019.

      Reply ↓
    3. Unkempt Flatware*

      I just went and found it. These are those situations where it would be wise for a boss to pull him aside and tell him his bad habits are ruining his relationships and impacting his reputation in a negative way. I used to have a boyfriend who would ask me how to spell random words at all time of the the day until I flipped out and asked him why he couldn’t ask Alexa. Maybe this man just needs an Alexa in his ear all day.

      Reply ↓
    4. Pay no attention...*

      Honestly, sounds like the questions — and answers — themselves were probably irrelevant and he was just desperately seeking interaction. Therapy would be his solution, but not for the original letter writer to suggest or be involved with in any way.

      Reply ↓
      1. ferrina*

        Agree with those of these points. This guy seems to have a very, very high need for interaction, but that’s also absolutely not the LW’s to manage in any way, shape or form. This dude needs to manage his own needs in an appropriate way, not expect a single person (much less a coworker?!) to be available with attention on demand.

        Side note- I met someone who divorced their husband of 10+ years because he would. not. stop. talking.

        Reply ↓
        1. Guacamole Bob*

          This is why it’s so important to know yourself and find a job that fits your personality. There are plenty of jobs where you talk to people all day long! Many people are not cut out for those jobs, including me! It sounds like this guy isn’t cut out for more independent desk jobs.

          I mean, I’d be annoyed if my DMV clerk or physician assistant or hotel concierge asked me random questions or wouldn’t stop talking, but maybe if it was actually his job to interact more with others he would be able to keep the questions under control.

          Reply ↓
        2. Goldenrod*

          Wow. Some people really cannot stop talking to save their lives.

          This is yet another problem that is solved by remote work! I’ve worked in so many offices with a person like this. One co-worker would literally narrate everything she was doing…all…day…long. And then complain that she didn’t have enough time to get her work done.

          Reply ↓
          1. Pay no attention...*

            “One co-worker would literally narrate everything she was doing…all…day…long”

            I had an optometrist like this! She was actually filling in for my regular Op and was normally a pediatric optometrist where it’s actually a thing to “say then do” … I’m just going to wash my hands, and now I’m drying them off, and then I’m picking up the lens, I’m going to adjust the light…” I found it amusing for my appointment but I can see where that would get annoying fast.

            Reply ↓
      2. DisneyChannelThis*

        The fact he was seeking out other female coworkers when OP was absent seems noteworthy too. Work is not your dating space!

        Reply ↓
        1. Pay no attention...*

          It doesn’t strike me as sexual since he isn’t making innuendos or asking for dates, and the questions seem just totally random. It reminds me of little kids trying to get a mother’s attention, “Mom, mom, moooom, mom, mama, mama, mommy…” Over his life, women have probably been more likely to answer, so he’s been conditioned to seek women.

          Reply ↓
    5. Observer*

      the office mate started asking (and annoying) more people down the hall, and he was eventually moved to a different office space and a different role in the company.

      The good part of the update is that the LW actually got put on a good project and the CW got moved.

      The annoying part was that it took till he started annoying more and more people, more and more, that anything was done about him at all.

      Reply ↓
  5. Caramel & Cheddar*

    I’m so curious how this guy got his questions answered before he got an office mate. Whatever it was, dude, do that. (The answer is probably “Bugged someone else” so not really a solution, I suppose.)

    Reply ↓
    2. 1-800-BrownCow*

      Apparently some people have never learned about Google or other resources. The amount of questions I see on social media is some groups I belong to that a simple google search would give an answer, more quickly, is astounding.

      Reply ↓
      1. Caramel & Cheddar*

        I used to be annoyed about people’s inability to google for this very reason, but since AI has basically ruined Google at this point, my expectation that people should be able to find an answer using that search engine is basically zero at this point. And you can’t hope they’ll use another search engine because how are they going to find that search engine without googling “alternate search engines” first. :D

        Reply ↓
  6. Someone*

    Ironic that I commented on another letter today that you should feel confident when asking questions at work, but this person is really pushing the limits of patience.

    Reply ↓
    1. Paint N Drip*

      Ugh this is so tough to navigate, questions at work is almost a Dunning-Kreuger situation where conscientious and resourceful people will feel bad asking (even though they’ve done the most research/legwork and asking once one hits a roadblock is a correct choice) and clueless people will not even consider for a millisecond NOT asking (even though they’ve done nothing to self-solve despite that they probably have several resources at their disposal)

      Reply ↓
  7. Angie S.*

    I once had a coworker whom later I told her how I didn’t appreciate her interrupting my day when I had my earbuds on. She was defensive at first, saying that she didn’t know I was putting on my earbuds (I had long hair so this excuse was totally possible). But after that talk, she seldom asked me any work questions. She didn’t even use any channels such at sending me an email or a quick message on Teams. I don’t know if she asked other coworkers. This coworker didn’t last long.

    I would file a complain with my manager if my coworker pulls my headphone out of my ears. This is a serious violation.

    Reply ↓
    1. ferrina*

      I mostly agree, but also, headphones aren’t subtle. They are very widely recognized as “I am doing something else and do not interrupt me”. And generally “don’t touch coworkers/people’s headphones” is pretty well understood.

      Reply ↓
      1. Caramel & Cheddar*

        I don’t know, there are a surprising number of people who don’t think that’s what headphones mean. I have several coworkers who don’t understand this, and a non-zero number of times have experienced someone in public trying to talk to me while I’m wearing them (huge, highly visible ones), as if I can hear them. While I wish they were universally recognized as “Do not interrupt”, I really can’t say from experience that this is as prevalent as you or I want it to be.

        Reply ↓
        1. Paint N Drip*

          Agree with you and this is one tough! When I am wearing huge headphones, it is ME signaling that I don’t want to be talked to. However I have some neurodivergent friends who find that using noise dampening headphones makes going out in public easier, and they definitely aren’t making the unspoken request to be left alone – also one of my neighbors I’ve never spoken to when he wasn’t wearing headphones… idk about his diagnoses or lack thereof, but it really seems to be a mixed bag of intents & perceptions

          Reply ↓
        2. Observer*

          I don’t know, there are a surprising number of people who don’t think that’s what headphones mean.

          Yeah, but have any of these people actually tried to *take them out of your ears*? That’s not about “subtle hints”. That is absolutely an attempt to force someone to talk to you when you KNOW that they don’t want to.

          Reply ↓
    2. Dahlia*

      The update said, “While I hadn’t made it obvious in my first email, I had mentioned to my now former office mate that the questions were excessive and disrupting. Alone, that had not stopped it.”

      Reply ↓
    3. Observer*

      Some of us don’t get subtle hints.

      Except that earbuds are NOT a “subtle hint”. And you just do NOT ever pull someone’s earbuds out of their ears. Inexcusable!

      Also, HR *was* direct with him and he just let it out on the LW.

      The only thing that seems to have helped is that she made it actually inconvenient for him.

      Reply ↓
  9. This one*

    Can you ask their manager to intervene? Something like “questions are good in the workplace, but not if they’re 1. easily answered and 2. constant. In the future, ask questions after you’ve spent 5-10 minutes looking up the answer yourself.”

    Reply ↓
  10. Pastor Petty Labelle*

    Someone pulled my headphones out of my ears just to ask me a question, they would not like the response. And I don’t mean what I would say to them.

    The only justifiable reason for doing so is a fire or other emergency needing evacuation of the building and it looked like I hadn’t heard the alarm.

    Reply ↓
    1. Sneaky Squirrel*

      Agreed, and there are many escalation tactics to get someone to remove their headphones before yoinking them out of someone’s ears. A tap on the shoulder to get attention first?

      Reply ↓
      1. Georgia Carolyn Mason*

        I once had a flight attendant pull out my earbud because I wasn’t participating in his “comedy” routine, and I yelled “OW!” even though it didn’t particularly hurt, thinking this might back him off. But no, the next several “jokes” were about what a bad sport I was! I’m sure everyone knows which airline it was. I didn’t fly with them for years, until the difference between their flights and everyone else’s was like a 14-hour layover and $800. (Thankfully they’re fine now and have mostly stopped with the comedy stuff, which I had heard, but for years I got a stabby pain in my right ear when I heard their name! )

        Reply ↓
  12. Three Flowers*

    “I don’t know if you realize how many questions you are asking and how much it disrupts my day. I need you to look for answers in your email, calendar, or Google instead of asking me. Also, you pulled my headphones out of my ears. Never, ever touch me again. I’m not kidding.”

    Reiterate in an email. Put the headphones back on and ignore him till he grabs them again, and then take it straight to HR with the fury of a thousand suns. Interfering with your person when you have told him to stop is a reason to go absolutely nuclear.

    Reply ↓
    1. Three Flowers*

      (Frankly, it’s a reason to go nuclear if you haven’t already told him to stop. This letter writer was waaaaaay under-reacting. I’d’ve Gone to HR and told them to get him out of my office or I’d call the cops for battery next time he tried it.)

      Reply ↓
  13. Callie*

    If you have laptops and there’s another work area available e.g. breakout area, empty desks, you could also go and work there. I work in an office area (open plan) that is FREEZING and is kept that way because one person likes it cold. I go out to our breakout area or other desks and sit there, for a few hours at a time each day.

    Reply ↓
  14. Sneaky Squirrel*

    I felt sympathy for the guy for a minute because I wondered if he was just doing it as his way of making conversation.

    But then I saw where he was pulling headphones out of LWs ears and oh no… No. That’s not someone trying to be conversational anymore. That’s someone commanding your time.

    Reply ↓
    1. River*

      I also thought this was his way of making conversation with OP but you said it best: this is commanding someone’s time. For sure.

      Reply ↓
    2. ferrina*

      yes! This is someone that feels entitled to LW’s attention whenever they want it because LW happens to be in proximity to them. Uggghhh.

      Reply ↓
  15. MotherofaPickle*

    I once had a supervisor whose mantra was “I LOVE questions!” even when it was something she had explained three times. We are still friends. In that job (internship kinda thing), I half trained my replacement. She was twice my age with more experience, but asked the same questions!

    I have modeled my Training Regimen after this awesome lady. I LOVE questions…as long as they are work-related. If they are not, well, I have a metric tonne of patience, but that runs out eventually…

    At my last job (gas station, transitional for low-wage workers), I was up front with all of this because I was the main trainer. My coworker ran most of them out. Not upset. If they couldn’t work with/around him, they would have never survived in CS/Retail. Also, I left right before I gave birth.

    Reply ↓
  16. The Not-An-Underpants Gnome*

    Anyone who pulled headphones out of my ears would not get a verbal response to their question.

    They WOULD, however, find out what the five fingers said to they face.

    Reply ↓
  17. River*

    I work with a desk neighbor that almost does the same thing. He asks questions in the open because he’s waiting for one of us to chime in. And sometimes its the most random questions about anything. Sometimes talking to yourself does help. But when I saw that this guy is physically walking over directly to OP, this took a whole turn. I know for a fact my eyes widened when I read that part and the headphones part.

    I definitely would love to see an update to this, especially because I am going through practically the same situation

    Reply ↓
    1. Unkempt Flatware*

      Yep. My father often asks questions out into the ether and then screams at us for not answering him. I’d be triggered by this guy so so bad because of this.

      Reply ↓
    2. Antilles*

      It isn’t linked in the article for whatever reason, but there was an update that Hlao-roo linked above. tl;dr is that OP decided to push back, so he started annoying the heck out of everybody else instead.

      Reply ↓
  18. I guess my entire company was the real work wife the whole time.*

    This resonates greatly with me. I have a bunch of coworkers who I guess are super happy about AI because they just looooooove asking questions. My favorite is when someone asks me if I know something, and I say I don’t but I’d like to hear the answer whenever it’s figured out, and then they respond something like, “Cool, let me know if you figure it out.”

    Reply ↓
  19. I only want everything*

    This reminds me of a coworker I had years ago. She and I were temps/contractors. We shared a space and she constantly interrupted my work to ask the most random questions. The final straw was when she interrupted me to ask if squirrels feel cold (it was winter)! At that point I started finding any free space I could to work. Luckily she eventually left that job and I had peace again.

    Reply ↓
    1. Elspeth*

      I worked with her clone. She asked the most inane questions. This was right around the time the site “Let Me Google That For You” became popular and I had to resist linking her there so many times.

      My favorite was when she asked me what the difference was between Notre Dame High School (a local private high school, NOT in Indiana) and the University of Notre Dame. I had no idea where to start. And no idea why she was asking.

      Reply ↓
  20. VintageLydia*

    I know I can be the talkative coworker but sounds like this one needs to learn to read the room. Headphones are a giant no-go outside of an immediate emergency. It takes a lot of social intelligence to be chatty without being annoying and this person seems to have none of it.

    Reply ↓
  21. James*

    I had a boss once who never had a single thought without expressing it and adding “don’t you agree?” or “that’s right, isn’t it?” or some other open question at the end. She sat across from me in our open office, and the thoughts – random, random thoughts, oh but they were random – came thick and fast all day every day. She’d stop and look at me, waiting for my answer, which was usually “uh huh” or “uh huh?” or “uh huh!”

    Sometimes there was a genuine work-related question or a request for me to do a task or the like so I couldn’t tune her out.

    When I got another job, it took SIX WHOLE MONTHS to get out of the habit of looking up and saying “uh huh?” whenever anybody said anything that sounded vaguely like a question anywhere near me.

    I feel for this letter writer, I really really do.

    Reply ↓
  22. Catabodua*

    If he pulls your headphones again, scream STOP TOUCHING ME in a way the ensures lots of people in the office hear you.

    Then, immediately to HR.

    Reply ↓
  23. Emotional support capybara (he/him)*

    There are socially acceptable ways to get the attention of a person with headphones on in a nonemergency situation! “Just yank ’em out” sure isn’t one of them! Holy crap.

    Reply ↓
    1. Ellis Bell*

      Google Mommy is awesome, and I am stealing. I was having a conversation with a teacher colleague today about the phenomenon when a child asks you a question that could be easily discovered just by reading the materials in front of them. It’s also really common to be asked questions about something when it’s up on the board in front of them in highlighted letters. When you tell them to read what they’re directed to read (obviously this is someone who doesn’t have a reading issue), you get one of two responses; 1) “Oh! I will do that, thanks!” and 2) “Why would I read that when I can just ask you?” So, thank you to OP because I always wondered what happened to the number 2 students.

      Reply ↓
  25. grandma Cassie’s lady slippers*

    I had a coworker in her early 50s who always felt the need to ask questions of her coworkers. She had detailed procedure manuals and her own copious notes but felt the need to ask the question anyway. We started asking her what she thought the answer was or what the procedures said but it didn’t do any good. Perhaps she had a fear of doing something incorrectly or was just totally unsure of herself. It was very annoying. When I switched companies she was still asking questions 2 years after she started!

    Reply ↓
  26. I Have RBF*

    Maybe send this guy a link to a YouTube tutorial on “How To Use Google” or something, as well as a link to a tutorial on office etiquette.

    Reply ↓
  28. Sunshine Gremlin*

    Oh, my ex was like this, though I don’t think he was like this at work.

    He had a habit of busting in while I was in the shower, ripping open the shower curtain, and saying something to the effective of “calm down, it’s just me! I have a question about the Bill of Rights…”

    Reply ↓

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