I’m ashamed of my past behavior at work — do I need to change fields?

by Alison Green on September 30, 2024

I’m off for a few days, so here’s an older post from the archives. This was originally published in 2018.

A reader writes:

I have an ongoing concern that has a lot to do with mental health but also has to do with work. I am seeing a therapist regularly to deal with the mental health aspect but I’m hoping to get insight from you on the work piece of it.

I’m about seven years into my professional career and have intense anxiety daily about my performance. I was always a high performer and have been promoted many times. About two years ago, I left my previous position for a new position that was more money and allowed me to get back into a particular industry. Shortly before I started the job, I lost 160 pounds and found a new confidence I never had before. However, shortly after I started the job, things in my life took a bad turn … I had four deaths in my family, including two people who I was very close with, and my long-term relationship with my live-in SO ended. Because of splitting up our things and having to pay for the apartment myself, I also began to have significant financial issues too. The stress of all the change, especially the negative things, aggravated my already existing mental health issues, after having been relatively stable for about six years.

I’m not trying to make excuses, just trying to explain the “perfect storm” that developed that caused me to act on some of the impulsiveness that is common in those with my mental health issues. To add to all of the personal things going on, my new job had a culture that was extremely different than my previous workplace. For once, I wasn’t the youngest person — almost everyone working there was in their early 20s to mid 30s, many were “young professional” types who were unmarried and had no children. The culture ended up being one that centered around a lot of joking around, close friendships outside of work, happy hours and other alcohol fueled events, and romantic relationships. I was newly single and newly thin and confident — the environment was awesome! I was making friends, going out, having a great time!

However, as the negative things in my life started happening, I got deeper and deeper into the drinking with work friends and things quickly became unprofessional (not just for me, but for the sake of this post I’m going to focus on my behavior). I don’t want to be graphic but I think it’s important to give you an idea of exactly how inappropriate things became, because it’s necessary context. Some highlights include: giving one of the managers oral sex in the parking lot, getting black-out drunk in front of the director at a happy hour, attending my boss’s family functions, having a tumultuous and abusive five-month relationship with a different manager, making out with one of the facilities guys in a conference room at work, doing shots with my boss’s husband, sleeping with a supervisor that my best friend at work also slept with and ruining that friendship forever, getting hammered on lunch with a supervisor and returning to work drunk, heavy petting with a senior manager at a work function in front of multiple coworkers, smoking weed with coworkers and giving oral sex to another manager, who is now my current boyfriend, in my office. I became known amongst the management team as the happy hour go-to and a partier and people were constantly asking me to go out drinking with them. For additional context, I work in human resources so this kind of behavior is especially egregious.

It got to the point that I was drinking heavily 4-5 nights a week and I could no longer maintain my responsibilities. I started coming in late and skipping work frequently and became very depressed about my situation and especially guilty about my actions. Eventually, through therapy and substance abuse treatment, I was able to begin to piece things back together. It quickly became clear that I needed to get out of that work environment, both for my mental health and the sake of my career. So, I started a new job about six months ago. My behavior at my previous employer wasn’t known by those giving a reference so I didn’t have any difficultly landing a new job, even one that ended up being a promotion with more responsibility and a significant pay bump.

I’ve come far in my treatment but it’s a process. Since I’ve started this job, I haven’t done anything even remotely unprofessional. In fact, I probably come off a little cold sometimes because I’m so afraid of even making friends here at all. The worst part though is that I went from a high performer who was confident in her abilities to an average performer with crippling anxiety. Every day I wake up thinking about the horrible things I did and how I don’t deserve this job. I am so deeply ashamed of myself and feel guilty daily. I feel like I so thoroughly messed up at my last employer that I didn’t earn this. I’ve lost all confidence in my judgment and my abilities and I second-guess every single thing I do. I’m constantly worried I’ve made a mistake, even on mundane things. It’s similar to the feelings I’ve seen others describe about imposter syndrome except … maybe I really am an imposter? What kind of HR professional does the things I did? I’m considering backing out of this field all together and trying something new because I feel like I don’t deserve to do this anymore. Am I off-base or is there any coming back from this?

It sounds like you have come back from this.

Everywhere except your own mind, at least. (And to be fair, probably in the minds of people from your old job — although it’s likely that no individual person there knows the full list you presented here.)

And for what it’s worth, you must have done a good enough job there to land yourself the position you have now. I’m not saying that your extracurricular behavior there doesn’t matter. It does matter — but clearly you have enough strengths that didn’t have any trouble landing a great new job. That says something.

Everyone has a past. Some people’s pasts are weirder/more troubling/more embarrassing/harder to explain than others. We still all have them, and I suspect you’d be surprised by the weird/embarrassing stuff that people you really respect have in their pasts.

Luckily, we all have presents too, and our current-day selves have control over those.

It sounds like you’re dealing with an enormous amount of shame. Shame can be useful when it causes us to reassess our behavior and resolve to change it. But shame isn’t useful when it just hangs around making us feel horrible. It sounds like you have resolved to change your behavior — and have done that successfully — but you’re still mired in the shame and it’s paralyzing you.

If you accept that mental illnesses are diseases like any other, and I hope you do, then maybe it would help to put this in different terms. Imagine you know someone with a physical ailment that exhausted her and destroyed her focus at work, and while she fought the disease she ended up performing horribly for a year. And then she recovered, got the disease under control, started a new job, and went back to performing at her normal high level. Would you think, “She performed so badly while she was sick that she doesn’t deserve her new job and she should change fields because she can never be trusted again”? Or would you think, “She had an awful year, I’m so glad she’s recovered and is back to herself and back to being great at what she does”?

I know that when we’re talking about life choices, it can feel like the analogy doesn’t quite hold up, and that losing focus at work is different from oral sex in the parking lot. And sure, they’re different. But that difference is where so much of the shame and stigma around mental health comes from, and it’s cruel and damaging to people — as it’s currently being cruel and damaging to you.

You were sick. It affected the way you acted. You got it under control, and you’re working with a professional to keep it that way. You’re doing all the right things here (although if you haven’t yet apologized to anyone at your last job who deserves it, that might be worth doing too). You’re allowed to forgive yourself and move forward. I hope you will.

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{ 92 comments }

{ 92 comments… read them below }

  1. A Blank Page A Rewrite*

    This is a very compassionate response and letter writer, I hope you can give the same compassion to yourself. You are moving forward and you deserve to.

    1. Not Tom, Just Petty*

      I hope that if OP stumbles across this today she is able to process it without falling into a bad place.
      Because,
      I do hope that OP stumbles across this today and continues to forgive the person she was, love the person she is and feel joy about the person she is becoming.
      And hey, all y’all out there, too, happy Monday.

    2. Overthinking It*

      Also, remember the people you did those things you described with were free participants and bear just as much responsibility. They were irresponsible and unprofessional too, probably feel some shame as well, even if you were the instigator. I don’t think they will be telling tales about you! And should you work with any of them again, later in your career, if they seem to expect to pick up where you left off, just chuckle gently and politely explain that while you did some wild things when you were young – in an environment that tolerated that behavior- you’ve outgrown it now.

      1. Not on board*

        I think this comment is great! Many of the incidents the OP listed require a second willing participant so they shouldn’t beat themselves up too much. I hope the OP was able to move forward and leave this in the past. It’s more important to grow and change than it is to look back and carry the shame of our pasts with us.

        1. Media Monkey*

          and it sounds like a lot of those people were managers, which sounds like they were above OP in the hierarchy. of course OP has agency but you could argue the onus is more on them not to engage in this sort of behaviour with subordinates (that sounds awful but hopefully it’s clear that i don’t mean they have less value!)

      2. daffodil*

        I also want to note that while OP made some unwise decisions, it seems like the major victim of those choices was also OP. They don’t need to make amends or repair anything (unless they left out some kind of crime or harm as a result of these other bad decisions)

      3. Crooked Bird*

        Also–you touch on this, so it sounds like I may be right–is it a misreading of the letter to get the impression LW was, not just not the only one, but VERY MUCH not the only one? It’s to her credit that she knows she shouldn’t have done those things, and I would have a lot of feelings too if it was me (quite a lot as I’m fairly strait-laced), but it really sounds like she’s singling herself in a way that doesn’t match reality. Is there anyone from that period she can look back on with some detachment (maybe even amusement???) & say “yeah they were pretty wild but they’ve sobered up and do good work now…” to maybe give her a blueprint for how she might view herself?

        The thing is, all of us are deeply flawed, that’s the nature of human life. (OK, that’s also part of my religious beliefs, but it’s the part easiest to confirm by just everyday experience!) The path of healthy humility isn’t to admit this and beat yourself up forever, it’s to *accept* it. Do your best to do better, yes, but without either constant self-flagellation (which besides being bad for you is bad for those around you–you keep circling round yourself instead of truly seeing them) or a sort of brittle always-partly-lying-to-yourself grasp on some new perfection you’ve attained. No; just do your best, keep going, pick yourself up when you fall down whether in big ways or small, accept yourself and others.

        Or to put it in much simpler terms from AA: I’m not OK, you’re not OK, and that’s OK.

        Honestly, LW, I think you’ve done great. Accepting can sometimes be the hardest bit for some people, but you’ve come so far already–I believe in you.

      4. learnedthehardway*

        This is a very good point, and one that the OP seems not to have considered at the time. Which itself is a good indicator that their perspective was flawed, indicating that they were still in recovery from the situation.

        I hope that the OP got to a better place mentally and realized that it wasn’t all their fault.

      6. Emmy Noether*

        It jumped out at me that a lot (all?) of those people were managers/supervisors. While they may not have been the LW’s supervisors, they still have more of a responsibility to act appropriately.

  2. Blarg*

    I know this is old but for anyone for whom this resonates at some level, lemme throw some song lyrics at you that I try to remember when I start focusing on the bad old days:

    You can spend your time alone, re-digesting past regrets
    Or you can come to terms and realize
    You’re the only one who cannot forgive yourself

    – Present Tense, Pearl Jam

  3. Berin*

    This was an incredibly helpful letter to read in 2018, and it’s helpful now. I went through a similar period as the LW, and thinking back on it still makes me feel awful (15 years out!). I’m grateful to the LW for having the courage to write in, and to Alison, for framing the issue in such kind terms.

  4. JP*

    Oh, man. I hope LW is in a better headspace these days. I so admire the courage they had to confront what was going on in their life and move on from it.

    LW, if you happen to be reading, Alison is right. I think you’d be shocked by how many people have weird/embarrassing/shameful things in their past.

    1. Arrietty*

      I don’t have to think for more than a few seconds to identify multiple professional acquaintances whose work I respect, and whose past I know to have involved drug abuse, prison, and a lot of bad decisions. It’s absolutely possible to move past this, LW! I hope and believe that you will have done so since your letter.

  5. Antilles*

    I hope OP has recovered and is in a better place.
    I would also note that while the individuals involved might still remember and judge you for it, that’s probably about it…because the other person involved in these stories (and it takes two) *also* looks bad in these stories, so they’re surely not exactly telling the town about it years later.

    1. MsM*

      Yeah, sounds like there was plenty of unprofessionalism to go around in that office, and I’ll wager not everyone has done as much introspection or work to get to a better place as OP did.

    2. Sherm*

      It does sound like an unhealthy workplace in so many ways, where drinking was encouraged, and boundaries were thought as something to be crossed. If you get sick in an unhealthy environment, maybe the attitude shouldn’t be “How could you?” but “Of course.”

      2. Sedna*

        This is such a good and important point. I’d be (happily) surprised if anyone came out of that environment unscathed.

    3. Lizzianna*

      I agree about how the others look – especially considering how many of the people in these stories were supervisors or managers. This sounds like an incredibly toxic environment where people were willing to take advantage of your mental illness. In a healthy environment, a manager would try to get someone going through a mental health crisis help, not invite them drinking in the hopes of benefiting from the crisis.

      Anyone telling these stories in a way that tries to shame OP is going to tell me a lot more about themselves than about OP.

      1. MigraineMonth*

        Exactly. This was a workplace that allowed supervisors and managers to both drink and sleep with their reports, and it seems very likely that those happened at the same time. OP gave us a list of only the things she did, and even so it’s clear that for nearly every example, someone with power over her job and a duty to say “no” was involved.

        With all my compassion, OP, it sounds like you weren’t always in a place where you could meaningfully consent due to alcohol, power dynamics and your mental illness. The shame may be your mind’s way of protecting yourself from dealing with that trauma. If you’re still seeing a therapist, you might try talking about with them. (I wouldn’t try to process this possibility without serious support, though.)

        You deserved better, OP. I hope you’re letting yourself have it now, without the shame.

        1. Jackalope*

          I would add that even if those supervisors didn’t have power over HER job, since it’s possible that as an HR rep she was out of their chain of command, they still had power over OTHER PEOPLE’S jobs, and needed to know how to stop situations like this from spiraling out of control. Once you’re a supervisor you need to know how to rein yourself in, not encourage the HR rep to make bad choices so you can benefit from them. (And I think that holds true even if the “benefits from them” is only in the sense of getting to enjoy being around someone who is super smashed, rather than benefitting by getting sexual favors.)

    4. Daria grace*

      This is a really good point. If there were enough other people in the office willing to be participants in this behaviour it is very likely most people there have seen (and perhaps done themselves) a lot and the OP doesn’t still stand out in their minds as much as they fear they do.

    5. N C Kiddle*

      The various managers accepting sex from LW actually look substantially worse. Sure, sex with your manager is unprofessional, but sex with your report is massively unethical and potentially illegal. It’s heartbreaking in a way that LW blames herself when there are so many worse people involved. I hope she’s worked through it now.

  6. Misty*

    You went through a rough patch in life and went a little off the deep end with unhealthy coping techniques. You pulled yourself out of it and got back on track! That is where the focus should be.

    1. ferrina*

      Yes! I totally agree with this. OP went through hell and coped with it. The coping wasn’t great, but they coped. The coping became its own problem, then the OP dealt with that too. The road was hard and probably had lots of twists and turns (it always does), but OP took that journey and made it through. Honestly, this is a modern-day Odessey.

      It’s easy for others to judge from afar or from ShouldHaveLand, but when you are really there in the middle of it, it’s a lot tougher. It also sounds like the coping that OP did only hurt themself and their productivity- that’s important to note. And OP made it out. That takes courage and hard work, and lots of people who fall into bad coping mechanisms never truly make it out. Yes, it would be better if OP never fell into that coping mechanism in the first place, but sometimes life just throws more at you than you can handle, and you cope however you can (been there). OP deserves to be proud of themself for surviving the first tough time, and for getting themselves out of bad coping mechanisms!

  7. AuntieV*

    As someone whose first real office job out of high school arrived at the same time as my bipolar disorder, let me tell you I’VE BEEN WHERE YOU WERE. You can come back from it. You can move on from it. You do not need to let it define who you are today, especially the you RIGHT NOW that has suffered enough and has made the effort to pave a new path. YOU DESERVE THAT NEW LIFE. I put these things in caps because it’s important that you see it. That you know you are not alone, that others have been where you are and have gone on to live successful lives. You are doing the hard work and deserve the job you have now, you deserve to live up to your own expectations, you deserve to live a life without shame.

    You are not your own worst self. That is just a piece of your whole history and it does not define you. Allow yourself to be good enough for you and good enough for this job.

  8. Mongoose Charmer*

    “Shame can be useful when it causes us to reassess our behavior and resolve to change it. But shame isn’t useful when it just hangs around making us feel horrible.”

    ^This!! Spot on. As a recovering addict, I’m going to remember that. It’s really hard to forgive yourself for your past, but you can’t let it control your present.

    LW, you’re already on your way out of the woods, and that takes SO much strength and bravery. Try to remember that you deserve to be happy and healthy, and being a human is messy sometimes. It can be surreal to stop and look around at your life now, compared to a year / 3 years / 5 years ago, and to marvel at how far you’ve come. It’s humbling. I’m routing for you!!

  9. Lisa*

    I’m so proud of this LW! So many people don’t even have the realization that they’re having problems, let alone getting the help they need and making the changes to their lives to keep staying healthy! That’s so amazing! I hope they’ve learned to forgive themselves and recognize that they’re deserving of good things!

  10. Grumpus*

    Oh my god, the number of absolutely cringe worthy, ridiculous, alcohol-fuelled idiocy I have gotten up to at work in the past. My twenties were truly full of deranged stuff that should have ended my career (but thankfully didn’t).

    OP, take comfort in the fact that although these kinds of shenanigans are not ideal, they are quite common. Everyone knows someone who had an appropriate relationship at work, or got too drunk at a work event, even if they haven’t done it themselves. The key lesson I took from my own shameful antics is that relying on work for your primary source of social interaction is a bad idea. There’s nothing wrong with partying (as long as it’s done safely), but it really shouldn’t be with colleagues.

    1. kiki*

      It also seems like this type of shenanigan is especially common at LW’s workplace. I noticed that for most every “shameful” action listed, there was at least one other person who seemed to be a willing accomplice/ fellow participant. It also seems like most people LW worked with enjoyed or at least didn’t mind LW’s misbehaviors (it sounds like LW was invited to social events a lot even after some instances of going a bit too far).

      This seems to have been a wild work environment before LW started there— perhaps ideally LW would have had a hand in taking things as an HR person, but it didn’t sound like LW corrupted a buttoned-up workplace. LW reflected on their behavior, didn’t like what they saw and took actions to remove themselves from an unhealthy work environment and is taking accountability. That’s what life is all about.

      1. Grumpus*

        Yeah good point, another thought I had was how much gender might play into this. If OP is a woman, how much do her partners feel the same level of regret/embarrassment? We know they were managers, so presumably they had more power than OP in the workplace. The dynamics/social interactions at play are worth reflecting on, as society tends to ask for more shame/regret from women/femmes for irresponsible drinking/sexual behaviour than it does from men. Always ask where shame comes from, can help with learning and letting go.

    2. AF Vet*

      +1. Thank God Facebook didn’t exist until well AFTER I had graduated and was winding up my party years. >.<

    3. I'm great at doing stuff*

      Same here! I never hooked up with anyone in the line of supervision, but I did get together with multiple coworkers, drank to excess at events (including one where the CEO cleaned up a drink I spilled), did drugs and showed up to work not in a state to work…crazy, cringey stuff. But we’re still here.

  11. yams*

    Alison’s advice and the compassion from the commenters really gives me hope in humanity.

    I hope OP is in an amazing place today.

  12. Happy*

    I hope OP can be kinder to herself today. I hate the idea of all of that self-loathing, especially when all those supervisors/managers are more to blame for the inappropriate behavior than OP, but they seem to have gotten off scot-free in her head.

  13. Ann O'Nemity*

    LW, it sounds like you’re carrying a lot of the blame for what happened, but I think it’s important to recognize that the responsibility doesn’t fall entirely on you. Yes, the behaviors you mentioned were unprofessional, but the workplace culture and management’s role in enabling or encouraging this environment are significant factors too.

    When leadership blurs the lines between personal and professional relationships—whether it’s by inviting employees to after-hours events, encouraging excessive drinking, or engaging in inappropriate behavior themselves—it creates a toxic culture where boundaries are hard to maintain. In your case, it seems like the management team contributed to normalizing a lot of these activities, which made it harder for anyone to see where the lines should be drawn.

    You’re not alone in this, and while it’s great that you’re reflecting on your part, don’t lose sight of the fact that leadership has a responsibility to set and enforce boundaries. A healthy work environment requires clear expectations from the top down, especially when power dynamics are involved. Hopefully, this is something the organization can address moving forward, and you shouldn’t have to carry all the blame for what was clearly a broader cultural issue.

  14. Lucy*

    I agree entirely with Alison, and I’d add this:

    While you are right to take accountability for your own behaviour, without making any excuses about what others around you were doing, behaviour like this doesn’t occur in a vacuum. It sounds like your old workplace had a kind of partying, unprofessional culture, with a lot of drinking, sex, and substance misuse. As you identify, that doesn’t let you off the hook for joining in, but it does make me think that the judgement of others at that workplace may not be as harsh as you assume. Consider that they will be taking in everything you did in the context of an environment in which managers routinely have sex with/make out with their employees, on work premises, or at work functions. Consider too, that you were not on the powerful side of those power imbalances, and while I’m not telling you that you’re obliged to feel like a victim, a lot of the events you describe here make me feel much less favourably towards your managers than you. If I had worked with you at this time, I would have thought, “Eugh, LW is drinking a lot… I hope they’re ok. Those creeps in management keep taking advantage when I don’t know if they’re able to consent.”

    Again, I make no judgement here about exactly how to define what happened or how you should define it – it’s just something that would worry me if I saw that pattern of events. Of course, you’re right, that other people will make negative judgements about you – but even with them, it sounds more like they’ll be saying, “oh my God, the place I used to work at was wild, one person… And then another person…” rather than pinpointing you specifically.

    Finally, again, I know you are taking personal responsibility and I really don’t want to discourage that, but also consider how much our context and environment influences us. As a survivor of cruel, empathy-void workplaces, which I left due to their cruelty, after leaving, I realised that I had normalised some truly heinous things. I hadn’t done anything truly awful or hurt anyone, that I know of, but there were certainly assumptions and remarks I made that took on all the assumptions of those around me, and skewed way harsher than I’d normally be. When you reach that point of realising how you’d been influenced, you’re right to correct the behaviour and mindset, like you have – but cut yourself a break. It was an awful time, you were going through a hell of a lot, and you were surrounded by tons of other people making terrible choices (some of which were MUCH worse than yours, because I will die on the hill of the power imbalance argument).

    I have an overdeveloped sense of shame, and the confessional impulse that sometimes comes along with it… But resist confession, and try not to feel ashamed. Sometimes, it helps me to have key phrases I can tell myself when hit with a wave of self-disgust, so I don’t sink into it. So, I’ll remember the time I lost my temper and screamed at someone who was verbally harassing me in a public hallway, and want to crawl into a hole at my response, and I’ll forcefully think back to myself, “that was a really bad environment and I was so unhappy. I’m so glad I’ve grown now.” Or similar. It’s cheesy, but it can really help to disrupt those self-reinforcing thoughts and narratives.

    Best of luck and I hope you can laugh about it, or more likely, only shudder a little when you think about it, sooner rather than later.

  15. Excel Gardener*

    Reading letters about workplaces like this always shocks me. Where are these workplaces where there’s regular heavy drinking, smoking weed during work hours, and casual sex between employees and even managers, and all of this is apparently at least semi-normalized!? It’s so outside of my experience as someone who’s always worked at fairly buttoned up government and corporate jobs, it’s almost darkly fascinating. Is this more of a thing in certain fields?

    1. Excel Gardener*

      And just to be clear, I do feel for LW and am happy they have taken responsibility, addressed their mental health, and moved on. They should feel proud for having done that.

      1. Working Class Lady*

        Read the comments. We might be a bunch of strangers on the internet, but behind the screens, we’re human beings with real lives and imperfect pasts and who have made poor choices at one point or another.
        We’re all proud of how you turned your life around!

    2. Unkempt Flatware*

      Yes, I’d say this is pretty industry dependent. I worked at a ski resort where it was common for us to be served shift beers and be invited to smoke weed on the docks with the boss. This is also a place where people of all genders shared one large locker room. Not uncommon to see a naked 70 year old scrotum sitting on a bench, for example. It was a scene.

    3. ampersand*

      The restaurant industry can be pretty wild, though it doesn’t sound like that’s the field LW was in. I’ve wondered if certain types of starts up might encourage/tolerate this sort of behavior—definitely way more so than most corporate and government offices would.

    4. Looper*

      A lot of high stress work places can be like this, but also “conservative” offices as well can have a whole other thing happening that no one knows about but those involved. Even LW’s workplace didn’t seem aware of what was happening outside those directly involved, which is pretty common. Unless you go to the happy hours and parties and are in those circles, smart employees keep it very discreet.

    5. H.Regalis*

      It can be more of a thing in certain fields (food service!) but it can also vary by company. When I worked for city government, there were departments that had some wild stuff: People dealing drugs out of their office, affairs, an employee committing a major (but non-violent) crime in their personal life that was then investigated by another city department.

    6. an infinite number of monkeys*

      Well, 20-odd years ago I worked at this web design and marketing agency…

      I used to joke that our corporate motto was “We put the ‘pro’ in ‘inappropriate.'”

    7. Figaro*

      I worked in a smallish PR, online & media evaluation company many years ago and it was absolutely like this. Most people were right out of university.

      Also, it was Britain, so borderline-at-best social alcoholism was extremely normal at the time.

      It was an absolute mess, with line managers sleeping with staff, open affairs, cheating on colleagues who were also partners, sexual harassment, lunch time and afternoon drinking, hard drug use after work, strip clubs after work, and general drama.

    8. Shan*

      I’m in the oil industry, and some companies are definitely like that! Others aren’t at all. I happened to be at one of the former right when I was going through a divorce (and also leaving the religion I’d joined for him) and I had a period that, while not as extreme as the LW’s, was pretty bad. I’ve since moved companies twice, and now I’m at one that does have a bit of this go on, but it’s much less blatant.

    10. NaoNao*

      Construction (office)–I experienced this to a degree. While we weren’t pounding beers during working hours, it was an incredibly heavy-drinking culture and affairs and other inappropriate behavior were rampant. Combined with the cruel, toxic culture it was a coping mechanism. The “ending one’s life voluntarily” rate was 4x vs. other industries due to the “macho” culture and bullying/racism/sexism/discrimination.

    11. Ellis Bell*

      Sometimes it’s not even an industry thing, but a certain type of person decides to hire only “people like us”. Remember the letter from the microbrewery manager who thought it was great that the “culture” of his team meant people were shoving responsibility on the only person who wasn’t on Snapchat or has responsibility at home? That they were just friends who worked together! Yeah, that workplace also had someone sleeping with a subordinate on the quiet. I know that workplace wasn’t described as particularly boozy but it wasn’t really alcoholism aware or professional either. I really feel for OP, because I think the workplace culture honestly exploited her. Yeah, especially when it starts off as fun, it’s easy to think you were just unprofessional and a mess, particularly if you have a condition…. but the pressure to fit in and be liked in your early jobs is huge and I am particularly side eyeing the way managers used that power dynamic to access sex.

    12. COHikerGirl*

      US, retail and restaurants can easily develop this sort of “culture”. Been there done that.

      Another reason why everyone should work retail or food service (or both!) at least once…it’s a whole different world and I am much better at extricating myself from some of the nonsense that can happen even at corporate jobs (which I’ve had to do…not quite as wild but surprising for people who ought to know better).

  16. Anon for this one*

    LW, I hope you’re doing really well out there. You’ve done one of the toughest things: recognize and change patterns of harmful behavior. Hope you’ve been able to let go of some of this shame and realize you are worthy of a bright future, no matter what happened in the past.

  17. Pam Adams*

    OI think that having survived this may well make LW better at the job- you’ve been there and can show others that this is survivable.

    I’m an academic advisor, and revealing to students with problems that I too flunked out helps them realize that they can also come back.

  18. DramaQ*

    OP your behavior was wildly inappropriate yes and you do as part of treatment have to accept responsibility for one’s action but I think you should also take a step back and ask yourself what kind of workplace was that?!
    It’s not just you who should have been caught out and punished but anyone who engaged with you. You’re talking managers who accepted and engaged in this behavior with you. They bear 100% of the responsibility for their own actions. You didn’t make anyone accept those offers from you.
    You are now in what sounds like a much better, normal functioning workplace where you won’t be thrust into situations where those old habits are even considered as a passing thought.

    You are making good choices for yourself.

    That is something to be really proud of. A LOT of addicts and people with mental health issues do not make it that far and end up right back where they started. You have the self awareness not only to leave that job to find a place where you can continue to be your new sober healthy self.

    As I tell my husband you can’t continue to beat yourself up for the past and carry the shame with you everywhere you go. That just leaves you open to relapse. You have to start changing your mindset and thinking about things you are doing/have done RIGHT and are leading you down the path you want to be on.

    1. Productivity Pigeon*

      Yeah, holy moly what a crazy place!

      It reminds me a tiny bit of when I was in business school and we were on a trip abroad and visited and had dinner (and many, many drinks) with a Very Large language school firm.

      It involved among other things company reps getting a (joking) lap dance from one of my fellow students…

      This company prided themselves on having a hip, “entrepreneurial” company culture.

      When I was on the other side and went to colleges to represent my then-employer, I was even more horrified because of how impossible it was to imagine behaving that way with COLLEGE STUDENTS.

  20. Varthema*

    Three thoughts –

    Incredible self-awareness on the LW’s part, and beautiful empathetic response from Alison.

    I hope the partner is not contributing to her continued self-flagellation. hopefully not, but it crossed my mind.

    I recently re-read Rachel’s Holiday by Marian Keyes, which is a lovely and often humorous but also but bracing and unflinching novel about addiction and its effect on the psyche, by an author who has been there. highly recommend to anyone who is struggling to find grace for themselves or others in this situation.

  21. Jiminy Cricket*

    I know this is six years on, but LW: YOU GOT YOURSELF OUT! You recognized the problem with that workplace and you left it on good terms by getting a better job for yourself. YOU did that. YOU. You are awesome.

  22. Susannah*

    WOW, letter writer – congratulations on pulling ourself out of a very self-destructive (and maybe also destructive) situation. It must have been especially hard, because the work environment you used to be in made it so tempting to fall into those traps. And good for you, for recognizing the role alcohol/substance addiction had in this behavior – and dealing with that, too.

    You know how HARD that is? You know how many people – even famous people, with lots of resources available to them – can’t do it? YOU did it. Good for you!

    You can’t change your past, but you can make a new future. And you are.

    If there’s anyone you out-and-out wronged and is owed an apology, maybe do that. But otherwise, forge ahead on the great new life YOU have earned for yourself!

  23. Boss Scaggs*

    I think you are completely fine – lots of us partied often when we were younger, in very similar ways as you describe. Plus, you’ve already gotten another job in the industry, so it hasn’t hurt you in that way.

    Also, I think you can take it easy on yourself as an HR professional – I think most of us don’t expect HR people to be more upstanding or better behaved or anything like that.

    1. Daria grace*

      While of course the behaviour would have been best avoided, perhaps in the long run having experiencing and contributing to such a dysfunctional workplace will make them a better HR person

  24. MotherofaPickle*

    I have a friend who would do stuff like this and was over twice your age, LW.

    Met her at a bar (shock) where she often had to, uh, leave early because of, um, wardrobe malfunctions. We bonded even further over drinking waaaay too much in either of our backyards (we’re neighbors!).

    Turns out she had terrible coping skills due to traumas, and I was also self-medicating.

    She is still given the side-eye at our Bar Place (because they’re Good People looking out for us), but she has been a teetotaler for almost two years. I am so proud of her and I never bring it up because I know that she would be super embarrassed. I bet most of your former coworkers would be, too.

    Good on you for starting therapy! I hope that it works out for you and you see results!

  25. Vio*

    Self forgiveness can be the most difficult forgiveness of all. Especially when related to certain mental health issues, we can have a tendency to lose compassion for ourselves when we need it the most. I hope the LW has managed to forgive themself and recognised their great accomplishment in addressing their problems successfully.

    1. Working Class Lady*

      Agree! We can never change the past so as long as we make amends, we need to forgive ourselves to move on.

  26. Working Class Lady*

    I agree with another commenter, this was such a compassionate (and well thought out!) response.

    The fact that LW recognizes the problematic behavior and has taken tangible steps to address the causes, and has made a point to not do anything unprofessional at their new job says that they have pretty much moved on.
    Plenty of people have pasts they aren’t proud of, but hopefully when someone demonstrates meaningful change, we give them a second chance.
    Also…. while it’s important to take responsibility for our own actions (and that’s exactly what LW did), LW was hardly the only one behaving unprofessionally, so most of their coworkers and supervisors aren’t in a position judge. And it’s especially unethical on the part of the managers and supervisors to engage in sexual acts with someone they manage.

    Good for LW for also seeking therapy to deal with these issues. It sounds like they have their life pretty much back on track.

  27. toolegittoresign*

    OP, good for you that you were able to recognize the problem and make changes.
    It is all too easy to think of a certain phase of your life as being the “real” you and that currently you’re faking it at being another person. But that’s not reality. Who you are is who you are choosing to be every day. Today’s you is real and valid.

  28. Aspie_Anything*

    I know you say you’re in substance treatment, but is there a peer component to it? As in, are you hearing the stories from fellow recovered addicts of what they went through? The darkest days and the recovery?

    If not, go to a few AA meetings or download a few talks and listen to what’s shared. 12-steps aren’t for everyone, but being around people who get it and who have done what you have (if not worse) and managed to dig themselves out and thrive and do good for those around them is so therapeutic.

    You aren’t alone, you do deserve your job, and congrats on your recovery!

  29. Rep (taylor’s version)*

    This line: “ n fact, I probably come off a little cold sometimes because I’m so afraid of even making friends here at all.”

    This has been me at my current job and past job due to a boundary issue in a prior job where it was common to look to work colleagues to be your friends (Military). It resulted in only me getting formally reprimanded (though the others were doing the same, they just threw me under the bus) and it is tough to come back from.

    This past weekend, my nephew announced his wife was pregnant and that I would be a “Great-Aunt” but I was suddenly sad that I’d kept my current coworkers at more than an arm’s length away and that it’d be weird if I shared it with them, as I never talk about my personal life at work. Not sure I know how to have a healthy balance.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      An idea for you–when the baby arrives, put a picture on your desk and let it be the thing that breaks the ice. Many of us will understand babies and pets changing our perspective.

  30. HSE Compliance*

    “Luckily, we all have presents too, and our current-day selves have control over those.”

    What a beautifully written response. I hope OP is doing well and has forgiven themselves.

  31. Mango Freak*

    This makes me sad because SO many of those anecdotes were with supervisors and managers, who had the responsibility to shut this down.

    I honestly think LW worked someplace highly unprofessional, and people took advantage of a junior staffer’s alcohol struggles. Widely-known struggles! The old workplace actively encouraged all this; I hope LW can realize how much power their company had to stop things, and how bad it is that they didn’t. That THEY, the supervisors and managers, didn’t.

    1. Kisa*

      This is valid! op, you say you are in hr. if you feel like you shouldn’t have behaved like this, keep in mind: they were MANAGERS in hr and chose to behave like that too.

      you were not doing all of this alone.

  32. Jean (just Jean)*

    Alison’s response to the LW is useful for those of us ashamed of workplace errors caused by other conditions. A few years ago I realized that I most likely have ADHD. (My observations were verified by my longtime therapist and reinforced by the fact that my child has ADHD, and also carries half of my genes.) Do I still cringe at my past mistakes? Yes, but I also work hard to get more sleep, have less stress, make my home life more routine, and resolve anything else that distracts me from being effective at work. It does not help to beat myself up for being a work in progress.

  33. James M*

    The greatest gift I’ve been given is the opportunity to change myself for the better, and the greatest gift I’ve given myself is forgiveness for not having changed sooner.

  34. Jellyfish Catcher*

    This is such an empathetic, kind response, and great advice. Alison is not just an advice columnist about work, but a great advisor on living a good life. I’m saving this column.

    LW, you are clearly a strong, brave person who has overcome many challenges. Even at the low points, you saw the negative difficulties and rose up to correct them.
    That is something that many cannot to, for many reasons, sometimes not their own fault.
    As for shame….it’s a destructive emotion: don’t let it convince you otherwise. You hold your head up high and carry on; the past will recede.

    *** Along with probably a majority of the readers, I’m never gonna admit a few crazy, embarrassing, etc, etc things I did when I was a young adult!

  35. Kisa*

    oo. this hit close! in my twenties i got out from abusive home and into a school where i wasn’t bullied. i got friends (as in plural!) and it was so overwhelmingly exeptional and felt amazing! i ended up behaving similar to OP. and while i was at school at that time and the social expectations were different, i hurt my boyfriend (now husband) very much and almost ruined what we had. we are now in a good place, married with two amazing kids, but every once in a while i get flashbacks that make me gringe and loose sleep so hard…

    we are worth it. we have done much work and we have turned our lifes around. it matters and we are not our past.

  36. Kisa*

    This is valid! op, you say you are in hr. if you feel like you shouldn’t have behaved like this, keep in mind: they were MANAGERS in hr and chose to behave like that too.

    you were not doing all of this alone.

  37. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

    As someone who’s been there too (behaved shockingly badly and come back) I know exactly how you feel.

    Even with the best therapy, best career help, best support there are still times when I fear I will forever be known as my worst moments.

    But I look upon life as a piece of embroidery (I sew). There are times when you’ve messed up the pattern so bad you literally cannot unpick it to fix it. So you work around them, try something different, alter it to fit and what you end up with isn’t the original but something unique and sometimes even more spectacular.

    Watch the TNG episode ‘Tapestry’ to see the brilliant Patrick Stewart act out the realisation that removing the harmful foolish parts of your life unravel who you actually are. I can’t put it any better than he did.

  38. ijustworkhere*

    I wish I could give you a hug. Shame is so destructive. Congratulations to you . It takes a lot of courage and hard work to realize you need help and to do the work necessary to recover. Just remember that THIS today is the person you are. You were sick and those behaviors were a result of your illness. Once you addressed the illness, the behaviors stopped.

    Think of it this way. You have the flu, you throw up in public. Throwing up is not your norm. You threw up because you had the flu. Once you recover from the flu, you don’t throw up anymore.

    Keep working with that therapist. And live the life you’ve built for yourself with confidence and grace.

  39. Not your mom*

    What stood out to me as I read the letter was how deeply entrenched in the company’s culture all of this behavior seemed to be. There were directors, managers – senior people who were all participating. As much as OP blames themselves, I see it even more as a systemic issue at this company!

  40. Amoeba*

    OP, I hope that you have given yourself grace since you wrote this. I do want to note one thing that stood out. How awful was the culture of that company that all this stuff was going on and it’s not like you were fired. You realized how toxic it all was and left of your own volition.
    It sounds like the toxic culture at your employer caused you to spiral much harder than you would have otherwise and you PULLED YOURSELF OUT!! That alone is absolutely incredible.
    Acknowledging there’s a problem and taking the necessary steps to resolve that problem are the hardest part for most people and you did it!

  41. Anonbuthappytobehere*

    I might be feeling a little extra emotional right now, but this story and response made me tear up a little. I have been in a similar situation to the question asker- a high performer who turned to alcohol to cope with the stress of life fairly young, and torpedoed a bright future. 8 years later I am sober and back in the same industry and line of work, and am thriving by all accounts- professionally, mentally, emotionally, and sobriety-wise (7.5 years!). However, I still have moments late at night or just intrusive thoughts about my past actions, how I portrayed myself, and replay the scene of getting fired in my head. There’s always the fear that the people around me, despite knowing about my past and sobriety, will find out the details/“truth about me” and see me in a different light. I’ve had a hard time being warmer/less stiff in my extroverted line of work, because I want to appear serious and professional. But over the years and through a combination of time and self compassion, those moment have gotten fewer. Allison’s response was very compassionate and had a level of facing the reality of the situation without the “brutal honesty” you get in so much recovery advice. I hope the question asker is in a good place now, and knows that time and pride in accomplishing everything she has in her recovery helps tremendously

  42. Mob Boss Rob Moss*

    OP, i was you 20 years ago. i slept around w bosses, co-workers, strangers i met over the internet over lunch hour. some married, and all of it so inappropriate i still cringe. at the end i had an opioid addiction. my advice: Accept Your Self. Own your past. you’re human, and sometimes we break in quiet ways, and sometimes in more obvious and messy ways. it’s all good even tho some of it is embarrassing. yeah, you did stuff that you’re not proud of. there is no shame in being human and doing the best you can at any point in time. everyone has a past. you DO deserve the good you are getting. you worked hard.

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