I’m intensely jealous of my coworker

by Alison Green on September 24, 2024

A reader writes:

I am extremely jealous of my coworker, and I have no idea what to do about it.

My coworker, let’s call her Lacy, and I started in the same entry-level position around the same time (Lacy started a few months before me). We’re similar in age and, while Lacy graduated from a much better university than me, had similar majors.

It was a terrible working environment for a long time due to our toxic manager, and Lacy and I bonded a lot over surviving. Then, about two years ago, there was a total overhaul of our department and our manager was replaced, along with almost all of the team except for the two of us.

Since then, Lacy has been promoted twice and makes almost 50% more than me, and I … am still in the same position. Objectively, I can understand why this happened. Lacy is very skilled and calm under pressure. Meanwhile, I struggle with socializing and really can’t handle pressure. In fact, even after her promotions, Lacy sometimes helps me with the more high-stress parts of my job.

I know all this objectively, but I am so, so jealous of her. When she got her first promotion, I had to leave the building because I was beginning to cry in front of her and our new manager. When her second promotion was announced, I had a panic attack and had to take a sick day. Sometimes, I can’t help but delay tasks that Lacy asks me to do because if she’s so great, surely she can do it herself (I know this isn’t how it works, this is just how I think in the moment). It’s hard for me to say thank you when she helps me out because it just feels like she’s rubbing it in, even though I know she isn’t.

It’s been two years, but I can’t adjust. My manager has talked to me about it several times throughout the years, and no one has mentioned firing or a PIP, but I’m sick of feeling this way. I know that this is on me, but I’m struggling so much. How can I change?

Two things: Change jobs, and therapy.

Change jobs because you’re miserable in this one! You’re comparing yourself to Lacy and having panic attacks over her accomplishments and even doing worse work yourself out of resentment, which risks harming you professionally. It sounds like you’ve been at this job for a number of years — and you’re deeply unhappy. Why not leave? You don’t need to stay and feel tortured.

But it’s essential to also pair that with therapy, because Lacy isn’t going to be the last person you encounter who triggers these feelings. I suppose it’s possible that there’s something specific to Lacy that’s unlikely to come up again — you’re similar ages and backgrounds, you started at the same time, you trauma-bonded together, and so it feels like whatever she achieves that you don’t reflects on you — but your reaction to her success has been intense enough that something is going on internally that’s not about Lacy and that’s likely to pop up in other ways in your life and make you unhappy, even after you’re long gone from this job. That’s therapy stuff.

Meanwhile, though, while you’re working on whatever those issues turn out to be (and it may be a while, because a lot of therapists have waiting lists for new patients right now and because even once you start, progress takes time), you really don’t need to keep trying to power through this.

If it were easy to solve with logic or mental reframing, you would have already done it.

Give yourself the gift of changing jobs. But also give yourself the gift of committing to delve into (with help) what led you here.

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{ 108 comments }

{ 108 comments… read them below or add one }

    1. Successful Birthday Rememberer*

      It was pretty spot on, too.
      There will always be someone smarter, more attractive, wealthier in some way. We just need to figure out how to deal with it in a healthy manner.
      OP, you can be a Lacy too – the best version of yourself that can do all of the things Lacy does. As long as you put the work in. Otherwise, Alsion is right – you’ll just meet another Lacy. Get the therapy and make the changes – the sooner you do, the easier it will be and the faster you can become your own Lacy. :)

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      1. StellaPDXAmanda*

        I also thank Alison for her compassionate answer. Trauma bonding over a bad boss is so true. I also had a bit of the green-eyed monster when others would get promoted around me and I was left behind. Best decision I did was go to another company where I am making more money, also getting recognized for my potential into promotions, but also trauma bonding with new co-workers. It is normal to get jealous at times of others successes, but therapy can assist in why this is triggering you in such a way. Good luck!

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        1. MsM*

          Or even better than trauma bonding with new coworkers, being in an environment where you’re not constantly bracing yourself for more traumatic developments because that’s what you’ve learned to expect from this place, which hopefully makes it easier to take unexpected developments or times when you need to socialize in stride.

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      2. Specks*

        Yes. And the other thing I want to say is that Lacy is a superstar. And some people are just superstars at everything, but most of us are not and that’s ok.

        The key — and I’ve figured this out after a lot of not feeling as good as the superstars or as good as I knew I could be — is to find the right job and environment (and you know, broader life stuff, but that’s not the point here). I was just good and solid in a lot of jobs before I found one that was just right where I know I did the job better than most others, I truly enjoyed the day to day, the environment was perfect. Then I lost that job to a big layoff, but that’s beside the point — I’ve found another since that’s a better fit for my current life situation. But now I know what I like and what I’m great at.

        OP, this job is just not right for you if you’re not happy. You need slightly different tasks or a different environment or a different mindset. Something. If you want to shine at your job, find one that sets you up for shining.

        I do also want to say that it’s ok to not be a superstar at work, period. Work is not all there is to life. Right now I love my job and I think I do an excellent job (again, find your niche!), but what I really want to be is a superstar mother to my toddler. And I could do even better at my job but I’m not interested in that because that’s not my priority. So what else in your life is missing? What would you like to develop instead of or in tandem with happiness at work?

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      3. Smithy*

        I would add to this list – there will always be someone “luckier”. Luck can encompass those pieces such as being attractive or born into wealth, but it can also include career aspects that can happen where someone gets the chance to step up and into growth roles sooner for reasons that don’t really apply to hard work or fairness.

        The first boss I had who was my age got the role basically because he’d started working there two years before me at a time when they decided to elevate that role to director which had triple the salary. After I started working for him, it was pretty clear that he didn’t have much more experience than me and wasn’t great at managing people. So it was quite frankly easy to be jealous that because of circumstance he was in that role.

        It was only by untying how I felt about him with how I felt about the job, that it was clear that the job and organization wasn’t great. It allowed me to focus on myself and getting into a better job/organization and being less involved in him.

        It was easy for me to be jealous, but by focusing more on myself, I was able to see his situation disconnected from mine. He was making that much with comparatively limited responsibilities which put him in a golden handcuffs situation. Where to continue making that salary, he had to apply for jobs that were just more demanding and his resume wasn’t that competitive. And we did not work a great place.

        It’s been years, and even with growth I still am not making what he was. But I’ve worked for far healthier employers, in more supportive environments and am personally far happier.

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        1. Great Frogs of Literature*

          Agreed — I had a similar situation where I had a peer get promoted to boss, because he’d just been there a few years longer. He was a great mentor but only a mediocre boss, and while I wasn’t precisely jealous of him, I was aware that there were things he wasn’t handling well that I could have done better. I hit a — it was partly a glass ceiling, but I think there was some other departmental weirdness — and got a better job. I don’t know if I’m happier that he is at this point, but I’m definitely happier than I would be with his job. I suspect that I make more money than he does. I have a better title and career story, and do more interesting and cutting-edge work, and expect that within the next few years I’ll be able to parlay that into making a LOT more money than he does.

          Sometimes people are luckier. And sometimes the path you take because you didn’t get that particular lightning-stroke of luck is a much better path, at least for you.

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    4. MFNDL*

      As someone who is working on getting (intentionally) demoted right now, I agree fully.

      So Lacey is better at office politics and stressful situations. More power to her! You are almost certainly better than her at something else. You’re different, and that doesn’t make you worse or less valuable in any way.

      Feeling pressure to promote is perfectly normal in our capitalist society, but that doesn’t mean it has to align with your own goals and values. Or if it does, somewhere there is a role you can promote into that IS perfect for you!

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  2. CityMouse*

    Alison nailed this advice. One, you shouldn’t stay at a job that is causing you this much distress but Two, comparing yourself to Lacy isn’t good and you need to learn how to deal with coworkers having success. You’re sabotaging yourself here.

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  3. Alan*

    Re “you really don’t need to keep trying to power through this”, I love this. I was raised not to be a “quitter”. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve bailed on something. But every time I do, the feeling of relief is amazing. Sometimes something just isn’t a good fit, and it’s okay to recognize that and say “No more”.

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      1. Archi-detect*

        yup- they will quit you if it makes business sense, and the mantra of not quitting only makes sense to me for specific duration commitments- i.e. finishing a degree or not quitting soccer during the season. Both people and businesses are changing things and need to be able to move on when that is the best choice for them.

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      2. Cmdrshprd*

        I think as with most things there is nuance that is often overlooked in short/quick sound bite quotes.
        To me “Don’t be a quitter.” is don’t quit something/everything just because of the first obstacle you face, like with hobbies/sports/instruments etc…. you need to take give it some good effort and time.

        It does not mean you need to keep pursuing it to the very end no matter how bad you are at it or don’t like it for the sake of not quitting. If after a reasonable amount of time, one or two seasons/sessions/years you still want/feel like quitting, yes go ahead and quit.

        Like don’t quit every job after 4-8 months if things are a bit hard, try to give it a year or two, but some jobs are such a bad fit that quitting after 4-8 months is okay.

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      3. MsM*

        Don’t even think of it as quitting. Think of it as pivoting to a new direction. Just because some people use that kind of language in a weasel-words way doesn’t mean it can’t be 100% sincere for you.

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    3. Those Aren't the Droids I'm Looking For*

      @Alan: I feel that. One thing that helped me a lot was reframing it in my head as “cutting my losses” rather than “quitting” and reminding myself that the sunk cost fallacy was a real thing.

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    4. Pastor Petty Labelle*

      It’s not quitting, its moving on. Not everything has to be seen to completion (however defined) before one moves on.

      Yes, OP. You started with she went to a better university. I think you have felt inferior to Lacy for a long time. it’s affecting you physically and mentally. You need to move on to something else.

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      1. ThatGirl*

        Yeah, leaving a job you’ve been successful at after this long is not “quitting”. People are allowed to leave jobs. Especially if you are consistently unhappy.

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      2. Smithy*

        Yup….I know so many people get fixated on certain steps at their current employer because of what feels fair. They’ve been there X time, and therefore deserve Y promotion. But in so many of those situations, the promotion is for a job they don’t want and they’ve lost track of how much money would even come along with the promotion. It’s just fixating on that promotion being what’s right or fair.

        Fighting for a prize you don’t even want to win ultimately only impacts you.

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      1. Pastor Petty Labelle*

        Oh god this. Yes. Why are you hanging in there and making yourself miserable. No one is going to clap at the end.

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      3. Tobias Funke*

        In my home we call this “you don’t get points for that” and joke extensively about the more controlling and anxious people in the family sending out our “points” at the end of the month for unnecessary suffering and working harder not smarter.

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    6. A Simple Narwhal*

      Yes 1000%! I have stayed in jobs I’ve been miserable at because I was raised with the idea that winners never quit. And that anything could be achieved if you worked hard enough. Which is good in theory when you’re a kid and it’s just that soccer practice got tough, but in practice it can mean you’re an adult stuck at a job you hate that makes you miserable, but you think that you can’t leave and your misery is your own personal failing and you don’t deserve to take the slacker way out of just quitting.

      It’s ok to quit a job that isn’t working out. It’s smart to quit a job that isn’t working out.

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      1. Ms. Eleanous*

        Quitting is underrated

        I was in public school the whole way. By second grade, I had figured out that school was really teaching us great skills to work on an assembly line (attendance, punctuality, don’t quit, time in measured rather than skills gained, etc).

        I mentioned this to someone as an adult, and he said he had just finished his dissertation on the history of public education (in Pennsylvania).

        Initially, public education was funded by the factory owners, who wanted a better trained workforce.

        We all have a lot to unlearn.

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    7. Successful Birthday Rememberer*

      Totally! When I reframed it from ‘quitting’ to ‘redirecting to the right thing’ it was much easier to leave situations that weren’t right for me.

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    8. NotThatDog*

      My favourite story relating to this is the story about the old man and the old dog on the porch. The dog is laying at the man’s feet and keeps vocalising/yowling/ in discomfort. A person walks past and asks the old man if the dog ok. the man replies “oh he’s lying on a nail” so the second person says “so why doesn’t he just get up? can’t he?” and the old man replies “he can, but it doesn’t hurt enough yet.” I’ve been that dog plenty of times before, and sometimes I still have to remind myself to not be the dog.

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    9. ecnaseener*

      Yes! It’s so important to take a step back and ask yourself, why am I continuing to put myself through this optional, miserable situation? Just because I don’t feel like I can leave until I’ve wrangled my emotions into submission? What if I decide I’m allowed to leave anyway, and start a happier chapter?

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    10. Harper the Other One*

      +1 – it’s been one of the best lessons I ever learned to know when to stop. OP, you deserve to be someplace where you feel like you can thrive, and where you can get enough distance from Lacy to do the rest of the mental work you need to do to feel your best.

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      1. GrumpyZena*

        Similarly, a friend of mine was thinking of ending her marriage because she didn’t love her husband any more, but was conflicted because nothing terrible had happened and he was a good person who hasn’t done anything wrong.

        I said, “so what do you propose, to stay until you *do* hate each other”?

        There is no prize for staying until something is truly untenable.

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        1. Hemmy*

          marriage is different than work though. maybe the friend could try reconnecting to her husband, if he’s not a bad person. there are ways to reignite a relationship.
          In work, there’s not that mutual commitment to each other that marrieds have sworn to each other.

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    11. anonymouse*

      You can even quit if a job has been good! Suffering isn’t the only reason to quit, sometimes it’s just time to move on. Just because something was worth doing doesn’t mean you have to do it forever.

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    12. Not a Girl Boss*

      When I became a manager and was able to witness people from a more detached position, I realized how majorly important “fit with job” is to success. There have been countless times in my management job where I swapped my two worst employees – both floundering, miserable, jealous, underperforming… and they became my best employees virtually overnight. We aren’t even talking about swapping a llama groomer with a monkey trainer. More like, llama brusher with llama trimmer.

      I’ve also had so many employees resist having their roles or area of responsibility tweaked because they don’t want to have “failed” at what they are doing. But why would they WANT to work so hard to be ‘average’ at something? Sure, I guess they get the not-a-failure badge? But I’d rather have the work done well than have someone refuse to admit its not a fit. Think about how much both the employee and the company would benefit if they’d just go work hard at something they are naturally good at? And when someone who’s naturally good at the old job gets to step in and do the old job?

      LW – this is your first ‘real’ job. Its easy to feel like its the only job in your career. But its simply not true. There are sooo many minute variations job-to-job and company-to-company that can totally transform your level of success. Even if the title and job descriptions look similar. Give yourself the gift of trying to find somewhere that your hard work will pay off.

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    13. Isben Takes Tea*

      I love it too!

      I think what gets lost in the messaging behind “don’t be a quitter” is don’t let negative feelings from not being immediately successful dictate your choices, but the way it’s often pushed as mentality actually wears away at our ability to make better progress. “I can’t quit” subtly transmutes to “I can’t stop, even if these actions/circumstances are no longer healthy, helpful, or serving my goals.”

      Taking stock of your circumstances and looking at how to change them to have a better outcome (even if that outcome was not your original desired outcome) is not quitting, it’s a crucial part of success!

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    14. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      And it’s not like it’s race or sports season where there is a defined end. You quit a job the same whether it’s been one year or twenty.

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  4. Nicosloanica*

    This is a good reminder to keep an eye out for behaviors that are not serving you (making you unhappy) and maybe even don’t make sense to you, and seek help with them. When I start asking questions like “why do I feel this way” or “why can’t I stop thinking this” that is the sign to send in the cavalry.

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    1. ariel*

      Yes! I always feel immense relief (even if it is quickly following by “crap this is hard”) when I seek help from a therapist. To know ourselves can be scary but not as scary as the overwhelming feelings of a panic attack, in my experience. OP, sending you love and strength for your journey but just know that you can become the person you want to be in those tough moments.

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    1. Shirley Keeldar*

      Yes, OP, please give yourself real credit for understanding what’s going on, not taking your feelings out on Lacy (that’s huge, truly!) and working to fix it. This isn’t easy and it’s more than many people are able to do. You are already impressive and this internet stranger has faith that you can get to a place where these feelings aren’t undermining you.

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    2. Myrin*

      Right? The way OP is talking about this shows much self-awareness and, interestingly, a lot of dignity and maturity. I wish you all the best in all your future endeavours, OP!

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  6. Yellow*

    Agree with Alison. And be proud of yourself for realizing this is a you problem, and not a her problem. You’re self aware enough to realize that, so I think you’re self aware enough to fix it. Or at least make it much better.

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  7. Fluffy Fish*

    OMgoodness op – yes please change jobs stat. I think Lacy is likely a red herring – she’s the embodiment of the fact that this job is not for you. It’s not Lacy’s success – its your perceived failure.

    You have skills, you can be good at your job and find success – but its got to be a different job.

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    1. Paint N Drip*

      You have skills, you can be good at your job and find success
      ^ YES YES YES

      It sounds like this may be one of OP’s first jobs, or maybe first ‘real’ jobs (which has it’s own weird pressure). It is pretty normal to get wrapped into feeling like this workplace and this job is the baseline for ALL work and my performance here is the only litmus test for my worth – OP, all of these are lies and there is more out there!

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      1. Lauren19*

        YES! Sometimes we get pigeon-holed based on perceptions vs reality, meaning that even if OP did a 180 and was crushing it, can this org recognize that?
        Also, and what I actually came here to say, is it sounds like you need soft skill development. Changing jobs is HARD, but if you have the ability, I’d look for somewhere you can work on these. Somewhere with a supportive, proven manager and an environment of promoting from within. Good luck!!!!

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    2. ampersand*

      Yes! Sometimes when colleagues or friends or whoever move up in positions and you don’t, the lack of movement on your part can feel like failure. Or stagnation, which can also feel failure-y even though it’s not. It can make you feel left behind. Agreed that it’s a red herring and OP needs a new job as soon as possible.

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    3. Hyaline*

      This was my reaction exactly–that jealousy over Lacy’s success is a focus that’s “easier” than disappointment or a feeling of failure. (Kind of like anger protecting us from grief or sadness, I think jealousy can protect us from disappointment in ourselves.) But by confronting those feelings, OP can come to see that she’s not failing! She sounds like she’s good at her job, and if she’s not moving up, maybe she’s just not a job that is best suited to her. Find another job! Try adjacent fields! Be successful on your terms, not in comparison to someone else.

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  8. Crystal Claire*

    Oof. I think a lot of us AAM readers are remembering the LW who was jealous of her attractive co-worker.

    OP, take Alison’s advice and get out while you can. Take care of yourself and consider a career change.

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    1. Not Tom, Just Petty*

      That woman ended up OK after rehab, moving back in with her her parents and working part time in a field unrelated to her original path.
      And I can see now her origin story. Not being flip. I’m serious. OP is completely miserable in her job. She is unhappy working in a position below Lacey. She is doing worse working in a position below Lacey.
      OP has been told about her reactions to Lacey.
      Yes, OP, you need to change you (meaning your reaction to more successful peers.)
      No, you do not have to do it here.
      You do not have to do it for this job, for this team, for this company.
      You need to do it for you.
      The first thing to do for you is get a new job.

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    2. CityMouse*

      That one involved criminal conduct, though (if you remember the last update). I don’t see anything in OP here to suggest they’re going that bad, but this is a clear “steer away from these rocks” moment.

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      1. Hlao-roo*

        Yeah, I think those two situations have a lot of similarities, but this letter is a lot less intense than the “I’m jealous of my employee” letter. Hopefully, a new job and therapy will help this letter-writer, and it won’t rise to the level of new job, therapy, rehab, moving back in with parents, and settling lawsuits

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          1. MigraineMonth*

            No, there’s zero indication of that in the letter and I don’t think it’s at all helpful to the OP to spend time thinking about that.

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          3. MsM*

            I sincerely doubt it. I work with a Lacy, and I can’t begrudge her success, even if I do occasionally envy it: in addition to consistently going above and beyond with her work, she’s a kind, fun person to be around. Who wouldn’t want her on their team or as a boss?

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    3. Hlao-roo*

      For those who haven’t read it, Crystal Claire is referring to the “I’m jealous of my employee and it’s impacting how I treat her” post from February 23, 2017. There were a total of 4 updates after the initial letter. The most recent update (which has links to the letter and previous updates) is “update: I’m jealous of my attractive employee and it’s impacting how I treat her” from May 16, 2019.

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    4. daffodil*

      I will also add that “emotional” reasons can feel like bad reasons to make a decision, but they are just as real as “logical” ones and a change of context can make a huge difference.

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    5. ecnaseener*

      Personally, my first thought was Captain Awkward #1327, because that’s what I always think of when someone’s putting up with an optional thing making them miserable. Get in the habit of taking stock of your optional situations, lest ye find yourself pretending to be friends with someone you hate for a full 20 years, inviting her to your birthday parties and all because it never occurred to you to stop seeking out her company.

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  9. Parenthesis Guy*

    I think you need to ask yourself whether this career is inheritently high stress or if it is just this position. Will you be facing more pressure and be forced to socialize more if you go up in the ranks? If it’s this career and the pressure will only grow, then you should be looking to see if you can position yourself to do something different.

    I also think you need to give yourself some credit. Your entire team was eliminated except for you and Lacy. If you survived, they clearly think highly of you. It would seem to signify that you’re good at what you do.

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    1. Not Tom, Just Petty*

      Brilliant point. OP, they did not keep you as an employee for any reason other than it made business sense. You are a valuable employee. Even talking to you about your relationship with or reactions to Lacey is to help keep you as an employee. They value you.
      You do the same and you’ll be fine.
      (But please find a new place.)

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    2. SansaStark*

      That’s such a good point about whether the career is high stress or it’s just this position. I thought I was in a fairly high stress career until I changed jobs and found out that no, it was just that my old department needed about 4 more staff members to make the workload reasonable. Now that I’m on a properly resourced team, the absolute URGENCY of every single thing getting packed into a full day is over and I can prioritize more easily.

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  10. DramaQ*

    It helps me to sit down and ask myself exactly why am I jealous? Jealously/envy tends to be a secondary emotion with different motivations for it hiding under the surface.

    I was incredibly upset with the new associates starting a couple weeks ago while I am still a technician. I am not jealous of THEM. I am mad because of how dysfunctional the company and my particular department is. They aren’t the cause they are a very visible symptom.

    Being mad at them or disrupting my working relationship with them solves nothing and only hurts myself. I have to be capable of separating the people from the workplace. It is not their fault things are the way they are.

    100% agree on looking for a new job. It is awesome that the culture is improving but it is clear that the previous toxic one has done significant damage to your psyche and it won’t matter if you got promoted to CEO you are likely still going to be unhappy. Deprogramming yourself is hard.

    That is my view on my current job. They could wave a magic wand and grant my every wish but I am still going to take another job as soon as I find the right fit. There has just been too much BS to pretend nothing happened and forgive past sins. Time for new pastures and a new outlook on life/work.

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    1. Nicosloanica*

      Yeah, this reminds me of the idea that anger is usually a mask for some other type of emotion you’re not willing to feel (not always, of course, but sometimes I’ve found this to be true). I think jealousy can be the same way, in that you’re externalizing something because that feels better than having to dwell with whatever’s bothering you.

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      1. Nicosloanica*

        Also I was reflecting that jealousy and envy are technically different emotions. Sometimes it helps to try and get really granular about what you’re feeling. I googled it and came up with: “Jealousy can include resentment, suspicion, and protectiveness and envy involves a mix of admiration and discontent … jealousy can describe feelings tied to fear of losing something that you have, resentment that someone has achieved something you want, or being protective of possessions or relationships. Envy is a feeling that describes longing for someone else’s things, qualities, privileges, or luck, and the pain of not having them.” (from VeryWellMind).

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    2. Ama*

      Yes — I’m not usually jealous of coworkers, but some years back a coworker at my level received a promotion and I found myself absolutely furious that he had been promoted before me. I dug into it and realized that it had nothing to do with him (he did excellent work and deserved the promotion), but he supervised a larger team than I did (my team had been short staffed for over a year at that point due to a hiring freeze) and something about the way senior management worded the announcement of the promotion made me think “well I could have accomplished all that too if my department had been properly staffed.” Which made me realize that my root issue was that I had always felt like I had to fight to get the bare minimum of resources for my team and senior management did not seem to notice or recognize that I was being asked to achieve as much as everyone else with significantly less support.

      It took me a few more years to get out (and I did successfully argue for my own promotion in the meantime) but that epiphany was the point at which I realized I wouldn’t be staying at that employer for much longer.

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  11. Observer*

    LW, Alison’s advice is spot on.

    I think that two types of therapy can help you. The first is just to focus on how to change your behavior. Changing your behavior will probably make you feel better. But that’s not the most important thing. What’s really important here is so that you can stop sabotaging yourself.

    But also, yes, figure out what’s triggering you and why, so you can hopefully get to the bottom of this and not need to fight that battle all the time.

    And, yes, change jobs. And when you look at therapy, you might want to look at why you stayed at a job that was so toxic. Because if you ever get caught in another bad place, you want to have to tools to take steps to get out of it rather than being stuck.

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  12. Carrot*

    LW – finding a therapist is hard and takes a long time, but it is SO worth it. Please start the process, it will pay so many dividends in helping you feel better about yourself. You deserve a life free from the shadow of these feelings <3 I would reccomend looking into some selfworth workbooks online to work through while you start finding a therapist – they are a cheap and practical way to begin examining some of these feelings on your own, in your own time. You can do this! It sucks to feel like this but it is possible to get free of this!

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    1. Skippy*

      My therapist recommends a book called Self Therapy.

      Also, keep going until you find the right therapist, because the wrong one is a waste of time and money.

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    2. Slow Gin Lizz*

      I’m surprised that no one has yet mentioned using your EAP if you have one, OP. I was able to find short-term therapy through my EAP and it has been quite helpful. I only get five appts (have had two so far) but I believe they also can help me find a longer term therapist if I want to keep doing it. If you don’t have the spoons to figure out where/who to go to, OP, check out your EAP and see if they have therapy.

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  13. EngGirl*

    Just want to add that based on your letter you clearly know you’re not being the most rational right now. This is the BEST possible time to start therapy, when you know there’s something wrong and you still want to fix it. Do it now before you start to cement the irrational thoughts/behaviors.

    Also just good luck with this. It sucks to be in this place mentally, but you can get through this with some help :)

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  14. Dust Bunny*

    Seconding: This job is not a good fit for you, and this isn’t really about Lacy specifically. You’re struggling, and you’re starting to self-sabotage by leaving things for Lacy to do that are part of your job–that will not help.

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  15. Despachito*

    OP, I have nothing to add to the advice that was already written but I deeply admire your ability to admit it is a you-problem. I think this is the first step to successful healing. I wish you the very best.

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    1. anon for this*

      Likewise. I really feel for you, OP. Envy is natural to some point, but one of my coworkers seethes with it and in her case I don’t think the problem is fixable anymore. When a newer colleague of ours was promoted instead of her in 2019, she came to the optional evening office party but then sat down and cried in the corner. More recently, she got a similar promotion and I was hoping she’d back off…but no. In 2023 she was found cornering the two rock-stars among the new hires on the most junior level and telling them that they couldn’t possibly be that great, that the unit must have been pretty desperate for hires, etc. Envy and insecurity have turned into childish mean-girl behavior directed downward, and I suspect she’s going to be fired.

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  16. bunniferous*

    Yes! Get a fresh start somewhere!

    From what OP said I am guessing that it’s the soft skills that OP is struggling with, and therapy can absolutely help with that. As an older person I wish I knew in my younger days just how useful having a solid foundation of self confidence is! If we can honestly project that people pick up on it.
    When I was in college years ago, I took a sociology class-where I learned about a theory called Cooley’s Looking Glass Self. It was a revelation and I believe it changed the course of the entire rest of my life.

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  17. Liz the Snackbrarian*

    Sending you lots of compassion, OP. I’m glad you recognize what’s going on and I hope you can move forward in the future.

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  18. Caramel & Cheddar*

    “Lacy isn’t going to be the last person you encounter who triggers these feelings”

    I think this is the most important thing in the reply. There’s always going to be someone else higher ranking / earning more / having something else that you don’t have, both at work and in your personal life, and you have to find a way of coping with that.

    In situations where I know I’m likely to come out on the other side feeling down on myself for similar reasons, I try to remember that comparison is the thief of joy. It doesn’t eradicate the problem, of course, but it does help me remember that we’re all just different people doing different things at different stages of our lives. I’m not on the same path as anyone else and they’re not on my path either. Maybe they’re looking at some aspect of my life jealously! Probably not, but you never know what’s truly going on inside people’s heads, nor the ways you might be triggering them in some way just by going about your life.

    Reply ↓
    1. Sneaky Squirrel*

      This is true in all walks of life too. I do aerials at a fitness studio and one of the first lessons that you have to learn very quickly is to not compare your accomplishments to your classmates’ accomplishments or you’ll end up feeling badly about something that is supposed to bring you joy. Everyone comes from a different background and their strengths may be completely different than your strengths.

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  19. HR Ninja*

    I agree on both points. While the most important element is getting yourself in a healthier emotional space, this is situation is affecting your future professional opportunities. Currently what type of reference would you be getting from your manager if this is how things are going?
    I’m not bringing this up to try and add to your stress and anxiety. Just food for thought.

    Much luck and healing to you

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  20. Skippy*

    Change jobs because this issue is almost certainly holding you back from moving ahead in this one. For every time your manager has talked to you, they have spent time building up to doing it and probably getting input from others on the team, and that is a hurdle that could take years to overcome.

    This is undoubtedly colored by my own experience: newly out of college, I couldn’t understand why someone else was getting promoted and I wasn’t, and I cried when the memo came out promoting my nemesis. When I got another job after 5 years, I found an email between my boss and her boss saying that I had been on a “treadmill to nowhere” and it was good I was leaving. Everyone but me could see it.

    I took another job that was a bad fit to get out of there, but eventually I found my place far from the prestige corner of the industry where I started, and I love my work and forged my own path. I came to understand the interpersonal dynamics a lot better. My nemesis rose to a very high position but wound up dropping out when she started a family, then came back in another capacity off the corporate ladder. Neither of us is where we thought we’d be, and we should have been friends and allies the whole time. Makes me want to go drop her a line.

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  21. Heather*

    I think Allison nailed the answer but further for those in similar scenarios… the role isn’t right for you. If you are not moving up when you want to be, and you are still unable to do portions of the job independently after multiple years, you are not right for the role or the tasks required have moved beyond your ability. There are options such as leaving the job as suggested or by gaining more skills via Professional Development or furthering education. Only you know yourself and the organization. Therefore, figure out which option works best and go for it.

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  22. Seashell*

    This makes me appreciate that my work usually mentions promotions via e-mail. At least it gives people who didn’t get the promotion time to process it.

    I agree with Alison’s advice. In addition to looking for a therapist, you might want to look into seeing your primary care physician and mention that you’ve had panic attacks at work. They might be able to help you with where to look and give you a referral if one is needed for a psychiatrist.

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  23. Van Wilder*

    Agree w/ Alison but would also add: research growth mindset. Take the growth/fixed mindset quiz and learn about the difference.

    I recognize so many of my own emotions in your letter. I was always told that I was “smart” but if I ever encountered anything that I didn’t get right away, I would shut down and start to self-sabotage. Because “if I’m not good at this, am I not smart?” and that would be devastating to my entire identity. Competition and comparing yourself to others are also a big part of fixed mindset.

    I’ve been working on growth mindset for 4-5 years now? I’m still not all the way there but I’m much happier than I used to be, not taking each other person’s success as a personal slap in the face.

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  25. Mairzy Doats*

    No jealousy involved in my job, I’m just deeply unhappy and miserable with my current manager. I have been applying to jobs for over a year. I get interviews, thanks to Alison’s book, but I keep “losing” to internal candidates. Last week, I finally got an offer letter, only to have it rescinded two days later. It was a blow (yes, I am aware it can happen), but I came to the conclusion it was a bullet dodged.
    I do have an interview scheduled in two weeks (hiring manager is traveling), so I need to pull up my bootstraps, take a deeper dive into further research on the company and hiring manager, and rehearse. However, today I’m just not feeling it.

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  26. Harper*

    Can I just say I absolutely love this statement?

    “If it were easy to solve with logic or mental reframing, you would have already done it.”

    I beat myself up so often over my inability to get over things by mentally reframing them. Of course I would do that if it worked! And when it hasn’t worked, it’s no failure on my part. It means I need to deploy a different tool instead of continuing to blame myself for a perceived failure to reframe it correctly.

    Thanks for this little nugget of wisdom today, Alison. It struck a chord.

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  27. nerdgal*

    Since therapists are very busy these days, please talk to your family doctor. Depending on your symptoms, he/she may be able to provide anti-anxiety or anti-depressant meds that would improve things. Medication is not the complete answer but that doesn’t mean it can’t be helpful. Family doctors are used to these conversations!

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  28. Potsie*

    I think it is important to keep in mind that even if everything about the job is objectively fine (good boss, good salary, interesting work, friendly and competent coworkers) it can still be the wrong place for you to thrive. Being unhappy is enough reason to leave.

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    1. Sparkles McFadden*

      It is so hard to get out of the mindset that there *has* to be a way to make this thing that looks good on paper work for you. Not everything is fixable, and some things aren’t actually broken. They’re just not right for you.

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  29. Jellyfish Catcher*

    Yeah, therapist and new job. Don’t make a panicked move to any random new job; research it just like you normally would. I would focus on finding a therapist first, so you don’t get derailed by stress and also have a therapist as support. But also trust yourself if the right job offer falls in our lap.

    You have more going for you than you might see right now: you are self aware of your issues – which means that you will be able to change. You’re also competent, derailed by emotional issues, rather than lack of work competence.
    You can do this, you are competent – remind yourself daily with a good affirmation.

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  30. A Simple Narwhal*

    I want to offer the OP a lot of compassion, because I see a lot of my younger self in this letter. I was the Smart Kid growing up, who had everyone saying I was going to do Big Things. I went to a good (not amazing) college, and graduated with good (not amazing) grades. I felt shame, anger, and jealousy when I saw my schoolmates graduate with better grades from better schools.

    I graduated into an awful recession, and struggled to get a job. I got a job that wasn’t aligned with my major, and I hated the job and that it didn’t relate to what I went to school for. I saw former classmates get better jobs and hit milestones and see success that I didn’t have. I was jealous of their accomplishments and ashamed at the lack of my own. We all started from the same place, I should be doing better! If they were able to do those things, then I should have been able to do them too, and what I was doing was embarrassing and shameful. I was supposed to be Better. Better was clearly possible, why wasn’t I Better?

    I think we all struggle with that, especially when we’re starting out on our adult lives. We see people we used to be on the same level with now soaring above us, and we feel inadequate. And while we’re all running our own races and will eventually hit our own milestones, the differences in the beginning can feel so vast and so shameful. Someone flying at 500 feet is going to feel like a much bigger deal when your toes are still scraping the ground. Once you’re at 10,000 feet the person at 10,500 feet is barely going to register.

    What really helped me was therapy and a supportive partner. That plus (several!) new jobs over the years that eventually landed me at a job where I can actually succeed. I look back on past jobs where I was struggling (while watching others succeed) and I now see how bad of a fit those jobs were for me, or how I was facing obstacles that were unscalable and I just needed to remove myself instead of attempting to grit my teeth through and hope it got better. The whole “if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree” metaphor really applies here. Stop trying to climb the trees at your job – go find a river. Once you can be a lot happier with yourself, the next Lacy isn’t going to bother you as much.

    Sending OP a lot of hugs and good thoughts.

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    1. blueberry muffin*

      I so relate to being the Smart Kid who was supposed to do Big Things.

      Extending grace to yourself and allowing yourself to have support system go a long way.

      Solidarity.

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  31. learnedthehardway*

    You need to be in a company and a role where they value what you bring to the table. I think that is the primary problem you’re experiencing – for whatever reason, either Lucy’s strengths are more necessary to the company for which you both work, or your managers value her strengths more and don’t recognize yours as much.

    I would look for SME type roles in your field / functional area, where technical competency is the primary requirement.

    Therapy, like Allison suggests, is also a very good idea – you can focus on getting to the bottom of what your challenges are and/or developing coping strategies to mitigate their effects on your ability to handle stress.

    Another thing I would do would be to work on my interpersonal/relationships/social skills – this is difficult to do without guidance, so could be something to work on in therapy or (as you progress your career) with coaching from a certified coach who specializes in supporting people to build communications & relationship management skills.

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  32. Square Root of Minus One*

    I want to add an important thing: don’t wait for her to leave or hope she will leave.
    I have a Lacy. Let’s call her Posy. My feelings were never that intense, but this letter hit surprisingly close to home. The main difference is not promotions, but a few strokes of luck on an already not great fit, and a new director CLEARLY picking favorites.
    Anyway, Posy left a few months ago for unrelated reasons. I still feel like a lesser second choice in my role and am likely to do so as long as I stay in this job.

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  33. Csethiro Ceredin*

    I just wanted to say kudos to this poster.

    I think a lot of people have feelings like this, to varying degrees, but fewer are clear-eyed enough to know it doesn’t reflect reality. We’ve all seen plenty of people who convince themselves the things they resent are being done AT them and act accordingly.

    Hope things look up for you, OP!

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  34. Dandylions*

    I know the DC area has a long long waiting list for therapy but just a PSA that’s not the case everywhere. In the Midwest I’m able to get into in person (1 hr away) or virtual usually within the same week and sometimes same day.

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  35. Cat Tree*

    I just want to add – ask for promotions if you want them. You mentioned never being on a PIP or at risk of firing, but did you ever actually tell your manager that you wanted to be promoted? It’s not universal that everyone wants to be promoted, so they might not have realized you were seeking that.

    A really good manager would prompt this discussion with you. But many average managers don’t do it. So you have to do it yourself. Not at this place, but at future jobs.

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  36. Czech Mate*

    I’ve been in your shoes, OP! Here are some things that have helped me:

    a) Yes, therapy. Turns out I have a generalized anxiety disorder. Just know that you don’t have to feel the way that you do. There are resources to help, and they may make it so you don’t feel as stressed every day.
    b) As others have mentioned, it could be that the environment itself is a trigger. You worry you’re not as sociable or good under pressure. Maybe you’ll flourish in an environment where you can focus more on individual work and DON’T need to meet urgent deadlines or hit sales goals. I began to do better when I got out of an environment that didn’t value the skills I DID have.

    Your leaving isn’t a concession; it’s about you moving on so that you can be happy, healthy, and successful. If there’s no room to grow in your current role, why stay? Tons of people leave because there isn’t room to grow, and it doesn’t mean there’s something inherently wrong with them.

    Reply ↓

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