is it OK to have sex while working from home?

by Alison Green on September 23, 2024

A reader writes:

I am a stay-at-home mom of very young children. My husband works from home one day per week, occasionally two. When he works from home, he watches our baby while I take the older ones to and from school/preschool. Other than that, he works in our home office and I rarely see him for more than a few minutes at a time. My point is that he is definitely working when he works from home.

Except sometimes we have sex while the baby naps. I feel like this is fine! But we were laughing about it recently because, well, if someone left work to go have sex, I think we would all question their judgment. I can’t explain why I don’t think there’s anything unethical about this. Am I alone in that? It’s not like we can check with his boss to see if he’s fine with this. We can’t ask any of his coworkers if they do this too because then we’re just asking about people’s sex lives.

To be clear, I don’t really care even if his boss or colleagues did have a problem with it. It’s none of their business! Or is it? Because it’s during the work day? What are your thoughts on sex while working from home?

Oh.

Hmmm.

I don’t think you should be having sex during the work day. But in purely practical terms, I can’t argue that sex while working from home is all that different from doing laundry while working from home (and I never thought I would compare sex and laundry). The laundry standard is that if it only briefly takes you away from your work, you’re getting all your work done and done well, and you’re available when your team needs you, no one needs to know.

So I suppose it depends on whether those things are true. Is this a lengthy encounter or a brief one? Is he doing well at his job? Does he return to his desk to find people were trying to reach him while he was otherwise occupied or do people find him appropriately accessible?

If the sex doesn’t add up to any more time away than, say, a couple of coffee breaks and chats in the office kitchen, I can’t give you any good reason why it’s more improper. Obviously it’s improper if people know about it, but it’s the knowing that would be far more improper than the act itself.

And of course, if it’s his lunch break, that’s his own time and you may get it on with impunity.

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{ 245 comments }

{ 245 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. L-squared*

    I don’t think there is anything wrong with it, as long as you aren’t telling people.

    Most people do non work things while working from home. If you would run to the grocery store and not have it be a problem, I’m not sure why this would be any different. Maybe if it became a repeated issue of you not being available. But otherwise its fine.

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    1. New laptop who dis*

      I feel like your lunch break is for whatever you want to do. Go to the store, take a walk, eat a sandwich, indulge in a little afternoon delight!

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      2. MassMatt*

        It’s unclear from the letter whether this is happening during lunch breaks or during work, as well as how much time is involved.

        IMO the issue isn’t about having sex vs: doing laundry or any other activity, it’s doing something other than working while being paid/expected to work.

        My perspective is somewhat different than most people, in that while I went remote years before the pandemic, on the other hand during that time I worked in a call center environment where arrival/departure times, time on phone, availability, etc, was all very much tracked.

        I do think the LW’s attitude of “it’s none of their business” should get some push back; if someone is paying you, it literally is their business.

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      3. PurpleShark*

        There is an old Norman Lear film, Cold Turkey, where the whole town was quitting smoking (a comedy). I remember a scene where the protagonist kept leaving work to “indulge” instead of a smoke break. He actually left work so I suppose if you are working from home it would not be that wonky to use your time off the clock as you see fit.

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    2. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

      I recently went out to run an errand and emailed my team that I’d be away from my desk for 45 minutes. I get similar emails about appointments from people, too. We have flexible work hours. I don’t see why this is any different.

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    3. Putting the Dys in Dysfunction*

      Since we’ve now normalized mentioning of a “biobreak” at work, maybe the next step is to get to the point where we can say, “Hey, I’ll be right back after an orgasmobreak.”

      Reply ↓
    4. Anonymous Cranky Bibliophile*

      As with so many things, telling people would actually create an issue where there was none before!

      Reply ↓
  2. Having a Scrummy Week*

    What you do during your WFH breaks is your own business – errands, laundry, cooking, walks, interviews, sexy time…

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    1. Snarkus Aurelius*

      Last week, one of my employees had to take his pet to the vet to be put down during lunch. I didn’t think anything of it, especially since he’s an excellent employee.

      I guess I don’t ever think about what people do on their down time. It’s not my business.

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      1. ThatGirl*

        I mean, in THAT situation I would give him the afternoon off?!? That’s not an ordinary vet appointment…

        But on principle I agree.

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        1. ferrina*

          Yipes! Yes, give that poor person the afternoon off! I had to take a day after my pet passed- I was distraught and would have been useless at work.

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          1. Ontariariario*

            I really wanted the work distraction. I don’t think we should comment on ‘should have done’ because it’s very likely the employee had the opportunity to ask for leave if they wanted it.

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            1. Nikkole82*

              I went back to work immediately after my husband’s funeral. I still had bereavement left on the table but I just couldn’t be in the house suffering anymore.

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            1. Dawbs*

              yeah, and if they’re hourly (*waves, we do exist even in white&pink collar jobs*) your cutting into his paycheckor his pto.

              when i started my current job, my dog was put down adhd i told NOBODY at work because they’d have been sweet about it and i had a lot going on and if they were kind, I’d have lost it… and I’d only been there a month, i didn’t have enough pto to spend on a crying jag.

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          3. Birb*

            Same. I had to put down my 15 year old cat a couple of weeks ago and almost went in, but realized I wouldn’t be doing anyone any good and called in. I ugly cried all day.

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          4. Poppy of Dimwood Forest*

            After my mother died people didn’t understand why I was back at work so quickly. I NEEDED to be there for my mental health.

            We shouldn’t presume the time wasn’t being offered.

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          1. ferrina*

            fair enough. I’m glad you offered it! Too often people aren’t sure if that’s something they can ask for, and it’s wonderful when a manager proactively lets them know what the options are (even if they decide not to take those options).

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          2. ThatGirl*

            Well, at least you tried. And to the comments above, you’re right that you can’t “force” someone but a good manager would offer it, at a minimum. When it was time to say goodbye to our dog, they set the appointment for the end of the day, but my manager still told me to take the day to do whatever I needed. I can’t fathom focusing on work at a time like that.

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          3. PB Bunny Watson*

            You did the absolute right thing. I’ve made a point of saying to people, “you know, you can take x leave, if you need to, but I also understand if you prefer to take your mind off of it with work.” I don’t want staff to think I’ll judge them for not taking the leave.

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          4. BlueCanoe*

            I think you did the right thing – you offered but didn’t force either way.
            Your employee knew the offer was there but he still had the freedom to make his own decision about it.

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    2. ferrina*

      Agree. If you are getting your work done and billing your time correctly, I don’t care what you are doing in the interim (short of violating the Geneva convention, etc.)

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      1. sheworkshardforthemoney*

        Today is a WFH day for me. I could have completed my work over the weekend but I will do it today and turn it in today. If I turned it in on the weekend my micromanager would then demand that I work every weekend. It’s important that the work be done within the same time frame as if I was in the office. They don’t need to know that I’m taking a break from Excel to read AAM. My next break will be when the next question is dropped.

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    3. Anon4this!*

      Honestly this is why so many companies are RTO. Normal breaks outside of lunch should really be max 10 minutes. Occasionally emergency things like having to pick up kid from school or take pet to the vet is different of course but daily you shouldn’t be taking a 30 minute walk (not at lunch) and a 30 minute errand and 30 minutes to go pick up your kids. Or an hour interview for another job while you’re on the job, take a personal day or half day! I usually eat lunch while I work so I can take a 30 minute walk later on. I have a colleague who takes a one hour walk every single day and it’s starting to be noticed in addition to their lunch. They also leave or sign off at 4:30 everyday and don’t check emails later. It’s an issue and they are up for a promotion and people who have a say in the promotion are pushing back because of this.

      All that adds up and companies are now looking at logs to when people are working. I know my company has and I have been in meetings showing all this data.

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      1. Caramel & Cheddar*

        Right, but those companies are using the “butts in seats” model of management, which has never felt particularly effective to me. Are people getting their work done? Is their work product achieving what you need it to? Can we use real metrics to manage staff instead of “This person left early and didn’t check their email in the evening”? I don’t want to work in weirdly punitive and inflexible workplaces and am always surprised when other people do.

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        1. OneAngryAvacado*

          Yeah, recently I’ve been clocking off early while WfH due to stress at home, and it’s not had a single impact on my work or my deliverables. If anything, I’ve fallen into a new working habit where I’m super productive in the morning and then wind down in the afternoon, and I’ve been getting more work done because of it. If a company complains because they’re more concerned with my presenteeism than the work I’m actually doing, that’s a really bad business model IMO.

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        2. Anonymous Educator*

          Exactly this. Before the pandemic, lots of work-in-office employees were sitting at their computers and looking as if they were working… but we just goofing off and not actually getting their work done.

          “[T]his is why so many companies are RTO” doesn’t really apply here, as if 1) people being away from their desks means they’re not good employees or getting their work done and 2) people being at their desks mean they actually are getting their work done.

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          1. Nicole Maria*

            There’s a difference between sitting at desk at work reading Ask A Manager versus being at Target or at an appointment — in the former situation if an urgent task came up you’d be there and ready to handle it, in the latter not so much.

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            1. ecnaseener*

              But even that is about your office’s coverage needs, not a universal thing — if people are counting on you to be reliably available at certain hours for things that can’t wait until after your 20-minute errand, then you don’t run errands during the work day. If that’s not the case, then you can, regardless of whether you work in an office or not. People do leave offices for errands!

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              1. Colette*

                And it depends on the job; in some jobs, you will need an occasional break to let your mind mull over a problem (although an errand would still not be considered work time.)

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          2. No Longer Gig-less Data Analyst*

            I had a job several years ago that I was incredibly overqualified for, but they refused to promote me or even give me more advanced/complex tasks – and yes, I asked all the time my first couple of years.

            I finally gave up and just started working on the novel I was writing about half my work day, because I realized as long as my fingers were going clickity-clack on the keyboard and I was looking at the monitor when my boss walked by, it was all she cared about. My first draft was about 125K words and I easily wrote half of them on the clock.

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        3. Richard Hershberger*

          So very much of the RTO discussion amounts to employers implicitly admitting they not a clue how to evaluate an employee’s productivity and use butts in chairs as a proxy.

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          1. John*

            Amen to this.

            And what about all the time wasted when people screw around in the office? There is tons of non-work-related chatter, yet the moment they notice a WFH employee isn’t online for ten minutes they assume they are taking advantage.

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      2. TriRN*

        If the work itself is getting done, and people are available when they’re expected to be available, why the nit-picky clock-watching?

        If the breaks are genuinely interfering with work, then is a problem (admin who needs to be at a desk to work with walk-in clients, for example). If not (engineer who blocks off an hour for that walk while ensuring work is being done & they’re accessible at other times), then who cares?

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        1. Chickadee*

          Sometimes taking a break increases productivity! Whenever I’m stuck on a coding problem, I go for a 10-15 min walk – I nearly always figure out the solution during or immediately after the walk. Sitting at my desk staring in to space isn’t nearly as effective.

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      3. Velomont*

        If they are getting the work done, why does any of that matter? Maybe they’re making up the time in the evening. In my previous job (from which I just retired), pre covid, I used to leave at 3 pm so that I could take long detour home in my bike commute. Then I would do a few hours after supper.

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      5. baseballfan*

        I see comments all the time about “if they’re getting the work done, why does it matter the hours?”

        My response is always, if they are taking 2+ hours of breaks throughout the day to do laundry, pick up kids, take a walk, or whatever – They aren’t getting as much work done.

        In other words, how is one to measure “they’re getting the work done”? I work for an accounting firm and we bill our hours. So in my case and in similar situations, there’s a clear measure. In other jobs, maybe not so much.

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        1. Excel Gardener*

          Maybe they’re flexing their time until later? Or perhaps taking advantage of a slow day where there isn’t as much work to get done.

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        2. Anonymous Educator*

          So in my case and in similar situations, there’s a clear measure. In other jobs, maybe not so much.

          Lots of exempt folks don’t necessarily bill by the hour, and instead they have deliverables and metrics they’re accountable for.

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          1. No Longer Gig-less Data Analyst*

            Yep, I WFH full time and my boss does not care what I do as long as my deliverables are met and I’m responsive to emails and pings.

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        3. Caramel & Cheddar*

          A lot of people work in places where the work product is in deliverables, not billable hours, which is probably the main difference here.

          I do think it’s worth examining the productivity of the billable hours model as well, of course. Companies aren’t motivated by doing things quickly in a model where their profit depends on things taking longer. What might take you three hours could take someone else 1.5 hours, which will probably be charged to the client as 2hrs, let’s be real. Does that mean you’re doing more work, necessarily? Or, if you’re doing in 2hrs what someone else does in 3hrs, are you doing less work than they are?

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          1. Richard Hershberger*

            Testify! I hated working billables for many reasons, with the perverse incentives and general level of BS high on the list.

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        4. Lifelong student*

          I worked in accounting and in law- both with billable hours. No one ever asked what time of day the hours were. They just as billable if done between 9-5 on weekdays or done on weekends or in the evening- which at least in accounting happened a lot. Come to think about it, I was paid the same no matter how many hours I billed. Probably should have not been exempt when I was a paralegal.

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        5. No Longer Gig-less Data Analyst*

          I’ve built a lot of efficiencies into my work, and I can often get twice as much done in the same amount of time as others on my team. There is a task in particular I can think of that was taking the previous person assigned about 3 hours to do. I took over the task and built a macro in Excel that automated about 80% of the deliverable, so instead of hours it took me less than 30 minutes, and the automation actually made it more accurate so there was less rework overall due to human error.

          That said, I’ve never in 30 years of working multiple jobs in multiple industries had a job where my work was billable.

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        6. Sex LW*

          I think there is some validity here. I generally believe that deliverables are more important than hours, but you are right that taking more breaks when working from home does account for just less time to do work. And, like Alison pointed out, it’s less time to be available.

          For my husband though, he get up at 5 with our baby (which, ugh, can’t the baby just sleep until 6?!). While baby babbles and plays on the floor, he checks email and makes his plan for the day, sometimes gets a few small tasks done. He also works during what would normally be his afternoon commute home, so I suppose I feel like the time aspect of it all evens out.

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        7. Le Sigh*

          That depends. Ostensibly I work 9-5, but I have a job title that means if something happens after hours, there’s a decent chance I will have to respond, even if I’ve already worked a full day or am on PTO. I try to avoid it, but sometimes I can’t. So if I’m hitting my deliverables and getting my work done — and I’m making myself available to work late as needed — so what if I sometimes take a little extra time to get a few things done on a slower day? If you want my flexibility and willingness to put in extra hours, then I need that in return.

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          1. MassMatt*

            IMO flexibility has to go both ways: If you are expected/required to take care of things after hours or put in OT when needed, then the employer should provide flexibility also.

            A friend of mine was once reprimanded for coming in late on a Monday after she had just spent about 30 hours over the weekend fixing a database issue. Surprised Pikachu face by her AH manager when she gave notice days later.

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        8. doreen*

          That really depends on the job. In my last job, I had specific tasks that needed to be done- reports to write and meetings to attend, that sort of thing. But that took maybe at most half of my working hours. The rest of my job required me to be available to make decisions and answer questions, think about the reports I am going to write and planning. All of which I could have done while taking a walk or doing the laundry – since I did a fair amount of that stuff while taking a walk or doing laundry even after I spent 35 hours a week in the office.

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        9. ecnaseener*

          In addition to the replies above, this also depends on the person. People are not working like machines for 8 hours a day; we need breaks.

          To illustrate: One person stays at her desk consistently all day, taking little breaks here and there that add up to a few hours over the course of the day. Another person works in bursts of hyperfocus with long breaks in between. Both have used up pretty much all of their mental energy by the end of the day; neither could’ve gotten more done if they tried to skip or shorten those breaks.

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      6. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

        Obviously the thing that matters at the end of the day is whether people are getting their work done, and your walking colleague clearly isn’t.

        For WFH, though, the time saved due to the commute is an issue as well. Say someone would normally have a half-hour each way commute, leaving the house at 8:00 to get to work at 8:30 and leaving work at 5:30 to get home at 6. Then they start WFH, and are ready to work at 8. Is it really worse if they start working at 8 and then use that half-hour they saved later in the day? If, for instance, they run out to the pharmacy when they have slow time at 10 rather than doing it at 8? (Assuming a non-customer / client facing job where they aren’t going to be fielding unexpected phone calls all day, of course).

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        1. Anonymous Educator*

          Say someone would normally have a half-hour each way commute, leaving the house at 8:00 to get to work at 8:30 and leaving work at 5:30 to get home at 6. Then they start WFH, and are ready to work at 8.

          I’m currently hybrid, and this is 100% me. I’m not coffee badging, exactly, but the days I’m working from home, I start working much earlier, and I stop working much later. The days I go physically into the office, I’m arriving later and leaving earlier. I’ll check work email and Slack on the train, but I’m not as effective there as I am at home.

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      8. Excel Gardener*

        How different is that from the office through? I saw a study once that people *in the office* only spent half the workday actually working.

        People overestimate how focused they are even in the office.

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        1. Dasein9 (he/him)*

          The office was actively distracting for me. I do knowledge work and most meetings were always remote anyway. A room full of people taking remote meetings is not exactly conducive to concentration.

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        2. Golden*

          This has 100% been my experience at office jobs. I once calculated a colleague’s average of 2 hours a day(!!!) on the break room jigsaw puzzle. Why was I doing stats on the jigsaw puzzle instead of working? Turns out that focusing on work is hard when the deskmates on either side of you are always having intense conversations about dieting and workouts over your head. I am not surprised by any of these studies coming out about the productivity of WFH!

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      9. Anonym*

        Thanks for the insight into how some of this is being viewed and used! I’m not a fan of butts in seats management, but it’s good to know some of the lenses through which our choices (or apparent choices) are being perceived.

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      10. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

        Is he not checking emails or is he not answering emails? I will sometimes check my emails on off hours but I’m generally checking for emergencies. If it’s not an emergency, I’m likely to answer it when I return to work. Also, are these actually time-sensitive things (eg one attorney who wasn’t answering emails when we had a filing due) or just things where people think he should prove his dedication to his job as if it were a religion?

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      11. business pigeon*

        At the office we get two 15 minute breaks and an hour for lunch, standard, so I don’t agree that your breaks should be 10 minutes max.

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      13. Dawn*

        By law where I am breaks outside of lunch are 15 minutes so I’m not sure where you’re getting this “max 10” number from. Among the other things here that are just…. really questionable.

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    4. Sloanicota*

      I think that’s true for things that take five minutes or less, maybe ten, if you check the slack/teams before and after,* but not for something that’s going to be distracting you for more time than that, especially if you’re going to be completely unreachable, not just folding laundry with your laptop/phone open nearby. Completely unreachable for 20 minutes or more = lunch break only. So, I guess that’s asking TMI about OP’s sex life, but that would be my standard.

      * this must vary by office though. This would be my standard for my field.

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      1. Anonymous Educator*

        Context switching may matter here, but I’ll trust the the letter writer that the husband is still doing okay at work.

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  4. Sally*

    I think it’s like anything else you’d do at home while working from home. If it’s not impacting productivity, results, responsiveness etc., then go for it. But nobody needs to know.

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  5. Helvetica*

    As someone who has done this (w/o children) – yeah, use the lunch break, so you’re not missing calls or e-mails, and generally keep it for days which are not otherwise hectic. I would compare it to going to the gym during the break, as it is kind of a workout and it does also bring the good endorphins and make me more invigorated.

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  6. Alex*

    “Is this a lengthy encounter or a brief one? Is he doing well at his job?”

    I definitely read this in a way you didn’t mean it lol.

    In all seriousness though I think it is fine in the sense that we don’t ask permission for every single little thing all the time in our lives, and if we were to, we’d probably get “no” more than we’d like, but that’s fine as long as you aren’t causing any trouble or inconveniencing anyone. If his boss finds that he is unavailable when he shouldn’t be or is not spending enough time working, his boss can address those issues and sex doesn’t need to be brought up at all in any way.

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    1. ferrina*

      lol! That’s how I read it too! I was a shocked that Alison thought that was relevant….then I realized what she actually meant.

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    1. whimbrel*

      Nah. If LW’s spouse is meeting their deliverables, they have flexible breaks, and it’s not taking up an excessive amount of time, how is it different than spending 15 minutes playing a video game or reading reddit or eating an ice cream cone or whatever?

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      2. Anonymous Educator*

        Pre-pandemic, I had a co-worker who literally spent 95% of his day on Facebook. Was he ruining “work in office” for the rest of us?

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        1. Pocket Mouse*

          Yeah, someone on my team spent 90% of their day doing Not Work (personal email, reading unrelated news, planning vacations) while in the office. Their screen was in my view as I sat facing my computer, overwhelmed with work, and there were absolutely days it ruined working in the office for me.

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          1. MassMatt*

            This is a management failure not a WFH VS: RTO failure.

            Frustrating, but until managers figure out ways to distribute work fairly and measure actual productivity this kind of thing is rife both in the office and at home.

            IMO when there is a significant recession a lot of people that are unproductive (and ineffective managers) are going to find themselves jobless.

            Getting another job when employers will be able to be much more picky than they have been in the last few years will be tougher when the only accomplishments you can point to are Facebook or Minecraft.

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    2. Jackalope*

      Why is it an issue if it’s on breaks and lunches? I agree that at other times it’s not a good idea, just because when you’re on duty time you should be working. But your breaks are your own time.

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    3. Caramel & Cheddar*

      They’re really not. Focus on the people who are coming up with “reason” after “reason” for WFH people to return to the office (“Collaboration!” “Camaraderie!”), not the people who are otherwise having a perfectly fine time being productive at home. That’s who’s ruining it for the rest of us.

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      1. Potato Potato*

        This. Let’s shift the blame to the people who are actually trying to take away WFH, not the people flexing their time to do extracurriculars.

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    4. Excel Gardener*

      I don’t see the problem if done in moderation. Everyone takes breaks during the workday, and honestly I think most people underestimate how much time they spend doing non-work things during the day even in the office (chit chat with coworkers, bathroom breaks, zoning out, coffee breaks, reading the news, posting on AAM, texting a partner). I think I saw a study once that found people in the office only spent half the work day actually working. So if you’re wfh and you substitute zoning out or news reading for sex, I don’t see the problem.

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      1. Excel Gardener*

        I’ll add that I’m a high performer, got exceeds expectations across the board, and received praise from my boss even during our busy period, but I still take lots of breaks during the day that probably add up to a couple of hours even during my most focused days.

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        1. Bird names*

          I dare say that taking breaks like that is partly what allows you to be a high performer as well. You’re presumably bringing lots of other skills to the table of course: ability to prioritise, in-depth knowledge in your subject area and a good eye for deadlines I’m going to assume.
          Giving your brain time to rest however probably helps you task switch and to come up with better solutions.

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    5. ferrina*

      lol! That’s a funny slippery slope.

      Don’t worry, none of the people that slipped out of the office to go to a hotel ruined lunch breaks for the rest of us.

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    6. Olive*

      I agree, but not about the action itself – the talking about it is the problem!

      Whatever it is you’re doing at home, just shut up about it. Don’t end up in an article titled “You’ll Never Guess What WFH Employees Are Doing Instead Of Working”.

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      1. OneAngryAvacado*

        To be honest, I rather think it’s a good thing to talk about it? It reminds all WFH workers that they *don’t* need to be on the laptop every second of every day they’re working from home. Let’s be honest, most of us are not doing heart surgery or things that require us to be reachable at all times (there are exceptions to the rule, of course) – I think it’s a culture shift that companies and managers have to go through to accept that WFH is more flexible and that’s just the way life is going atm.

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        1. Magpie*

          One of the things I love about my boss is that she talks about this stuff. She’ll join a meeting and mention that she just finished chopping up veggies for dinner or went on a quick walk around the block. It really drives home that she’s fine with people flexing their time since she does it herself, and that the thing she cares about is the work product, not how many hours a day people are staring at their laptops.

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          1. Anonym*

            My boss has replied at 4pm to say “I’ll get to this after I drop the kids off at [activity], give me 30 mins.” It was very, very nice to hear.

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        3. Michelle Smith*

          It isn’t though. There definitely has been a trend towards making people return to the office most or all of the week, even at companies that have allowed working from home to remain until this year. For a recent notable example, look at Amazon. While generally I do see the value in reducing stigmas with visibility, that is not going to be the impact of headlines or even watercooler conversations about having sex while WFH. It’s going to result in more C Suite folks looking at that and deciding WFH isn’t necessary any longer and they’ll think people will be more productive in the office. That LW isn’t doing anything wrong IMO, but talking about it is just going to backfire.

          Reply ↓
    7. Irish Teacher.*

      I don’t think it’s people like this that are ruining work from home. I think it is managers who treat work from home as if it’s the same as working from the office and apply logic that doesn’t really work for work from home.

      I think this is one of the ways where work from home is different. And really, when somebody is working from home, I think that if they are getting their job done and are contactable when they should be, then it really shouldn’t matter if they take two hours off in the middle of the day and catch up in the evening or whatever (again, so long as they are available when they are needed and aren’t missing calls or anything like that).

      I think it’s the assumption that work from home should always mean sitting at a computer from 9 until 5 exactly regardless of whether or not that is necessary for the job that is ruining work from home. Of course there are some jobs where working from home requires being online from 9 until 5, but there are others that can be done at different times or where people might be working longer some days and shorter other days. I think the ability to do that is part of the advantage of work from home, both for employees and employers.

      Reply ↓
    9. Two-Faced Big-Haired Food Critic*

      I’m looking at it from the POV of people who have several children under age 8 or so: grabbing a chance for sexytime when they can. And it’s their home, with each other, not three hours at the No-Tell Motel with one spouse and their coworker. If I worked with, for or even above LW or her DH, I can’t see how it would affect me, or why I would need to know.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sex LW*

        Hi, I wrote the letter. Honestly, this is a big part of it. Our kids are young and busy and demanding and we are EXHAUSTED once they are in bed. If he’s home on a Wednesday and the baby is asleep at 11:30, that might be our only opportunity all week!

        Reply ↓
    10. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

      Right, because people who work at the office never disappear for an hour to go the gym or lunch or, you know, actually run home during their lunch break to have sex.

      Reply ↓
    11. HonorBox*

      Geez. It would be one thing if the question referenced some sort of work performance issue, that they’re taking lengthy time away for activities, or that people are noticing that he’s not available when he should be, but none of this is true. If he’s taking time that he otherwise would for a different type of break, that’s not ruining anything for anyone

      Reply ↓
    12. Anon4This*

      I have no idea what anyone is doing during their lunch break during WFH. They could be going to the gym, running errands, doing their laundry, or anything. If they’re getting their work done and complying with policy, why do I care?

      I am, in fact, getting ready to use my own lunch break to spend some quality time with my partner because this is one of the few times we have the house to ourselves and are on the same schedule. Absolutely no one at work will know that I’m not stepping out to grab a bite to eat, and I’m certainly not creating an HR incident by sharing this info.

      Reply ↓
    13. Specks*

      Why? Is he getting his work done and done well and is it not affecting his availability? If so, it’s none of your business what he does and when he does it. If he isn’t, then it doesn’t matter if he’s home or not — his manager should hold him to standards. If you’re worried about the appearance of not being online 24/7 while WFH from someone, then it’s your boss’s insistence on butts in seats that’s ruining WFH.

      Reply ↓
    14. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Correction: Executives who can’t handle not seeing people in the office are ruining WFH for the rest of us.

      Reply ↓
  8. Pastor Petty Labelle*

    I have found that treating work from home as work is most helpful to maintain a work life balance. Like I change out of pjs to start my day, try to end at a reasonable time and then close the door on the office. Errands are run at the end of the workday (which I control when that is — self-employed).

    I realize not everyone has this view. But if you start treating everything like its okay as long as you don’t interfere with actual work, you find work bleeding into your off time because there is no line between work and not work.

    Reply ↓
    1. KKITMListener*

      I’m laughing about the sex/laundry comment because there was a morning radio show that used the euphemism of “doing laundry” – so unfortunately the two are intricately linked in my brain.

      Reply ↓
      2. sheworkshardforthemoney*

        lol, I did my laundry this morning as a delay tactic because my work today is very tedious. And I really did do my laundry.

        Reply ↓
    2. Caramel & Cheddar*

      Like you, I make sure to get dressed and work between fixed times, but I’ve found it helpful to re-frame errands and chores into their equivalent of something I’d be doing at the office. I’m spending 15 minutes washing the dishes instead of listening to Arya complain about a decision made in a meeting that she wasn’t invited to. I spent twenty minutes going for a walk instead of being distracted by someone one cube over chatting about the new Marvel movie with someone else.

      There are lots of chores/errands I still do after hours, but it hasn’t impacted my work/life balance to do the shorter ones during the day if I still put on pants and shut my computer down at 5pm.

      Reply ↓
      1. Lily Rowan*

        Right — I’m in the office and someone just came to ask me a question, and instead of a quick IM, we spent 15 minutes chatting. But no one questions that use of time!

        Reply ↓
        1. Dawbs*

          And if you DON’T spend that time chatting, you’re considered cold/aloof/socially awkward/etc.
          Its considered a marketable skill to build relationships while chatting.

          All this seems like a double edged sword where workers always lose

          Reply ↓
    3. Smithy*

      I have to say – this question kind of reminds me of this strip club that’s in the same area as a lot of generic office buildings where I work. At least before COVID, I always used to wonder who the people were who’d go there for their lunch buffet. This was very much a “downtown office worker” neighborhood, but presumably it lasted for years because they had business.

      My guess was that there was clearly a certain kind of 9-5er who must enjoy doing that. Now, going back to the office and talking about the floor show when others were saying they got Chipotle bowls for lunch wouldn’t be appropriate…..but I do think this kind of NSWF lunch hour activity has worked for some folks for a while. I kind of relate it to people who like to read books on their lunch break that they wouldn’t share with their coworkers?

      Would be a distraction for many, works for some, but it’s for the person who’s also ok withholding that kind of information from coworkers in a way that doesn’t stress them out.

      Reply ↓
    4. Anon4This*

      I have long had a job that routinely interferes with my life outside of business hours, which definitely means that I care less about my life bleeding into business hours.

      Reply ↓
  9. Dovahkiin*

    When it’s done during the work day, it’s called a nooner or Afternoon Delight. In the words of the might Missy Elliot, “Ain’t no shame ladies, do your thing, Just make sure you ahead of the game.”

    Reply ↓
  10. Another Anon So I Don't Get Fired*

    Wait.

    I have sex all the time during work from home days. It has zero effect on my overall performance that is always top notch. (My career, not the sex stuff.)

    I thought everyone else did this without a second thought too?

    Reply ↓
    2. Shhhhh*

      If I’m not in a meeting and there’s nothing urgent, I can always take a quick break. I agree with you 100%

      Also, tee hee hee at your phrasing.

      Reply ↓
    3. anon for this (duh)*

      As someone who doesn’t have sex but does….an adjacent activity also while WFH, I get the reluctance around even broaching the boundary between your own personal sex life and work, even if very practically and functionally (not during on call or live time with clients, coworkers, or even in the middle of solo project work time) that’s not what’s happening. Like the risk is basically zero if you use common sense, but basically zero isn’t the same as zero (and what’s common sense can uh, vary).

      Reply ↓
    4. MotherofaPickle*

      Same. When my husband works from home, it’s pretty much guaranteed. He can and does work asynchronously, without deadlines, etc., which makes carving out some time a lot easier and with no repercussions.

      Reply ↓
    5. Nicole Maria*

      No, to me that’s so weird. I can’t even imagine wanting to do that during the workday, let alone actually doing it.

      Reply ↓
      1. Nicole Maria*

        As a supervisor this conversation is really freaking me out but I guess I will just try to erase it from my memory, I guess.

        Reply ↓
        1. Nonsense*

          I mean, the same questions Alison asked apply to your employees. Are they typically available when you need to reach out? Are they getting their work done on time and to standard? If yes, then it really doesn’t matter what they’re doing in their between time. We’ve got study after study after study prepandemic that showed people are really only actively productive about 5 hours a day anyway – the rest of their time was spent in idle activities. So you’ve always been paying employees to sit around the water cooler anyway.

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    6. Anon and get it on*

      I also do this! Not too frequently, and generally only when it’s a slow workday – I’ve absolutely turned down my partner because I needed to focus on work. I will say that I regularly take some 10min breaks alone to, ah, see to my needs.

      Reply ↓
    8. Anon4This*

      Same. I don’t really think about my coworkers having sex at all (and, thankfully, none are oversharers), but I just kind of assumed that whatever they do during their scheduled lunch breaks is not my business.

      Reply ↓
      1. Margaret Cavendish*

        I would definitely not assume that! Lots of people have their laptops in the bedroom. Or if the WFH “office” is in the livingroom, and the couch is *right there* when the mood strikes…

        Reply ↓
    5. Irish Teacher.*

      I would assume they aren’t doing it in the same room as the one they work in and aren’t on a meeting or anything like that at the time. If they are, then yeah.

      But if they were taking a break from say working on an Excel spreadsheet, then this is unlikely to be an issue.

      Reply ↓
    6. Sex LW*

      Yikes! We do not do this in the home office, which is also a guest bedroom and also a place for quiet time when one of our kids needs to get away from the others… it’s a multipurpose space, but it is not a sexy space!

      Reply ↓
    7. Sherm*

      Yeah, I was thinking of those Mortification Week posts where people wound up naked on camera. You can recover from on-camera nudity. You probably can’t recover from coworkers watching you have sex. Be 200% careful that it couldn’t happen. (Not directed to LW, who confirmed that work computer and sex aren’t in the same room.)

      Reply ↓
  12. CityMouse*

    As long as you’re flexing around it like lunch break, meh? I wouldn’t tell anyone about it but as long as your timesheet is correct, you aren’t missing meetings or calls, I guess it’s not terribly different from those of us who go to the gym during lunch hour.

    Reply ↓
  13. Nina*

    The perfect lunch break! We take advantage of the days our dog walker takes our dog out for an hour, otherwise we’re never free of him… I get an hour lunch and my partner is self employed, so no qualms here at all.
    Also very good for the ol’ mental health that employers claim to care about so much.

    Reply ↓
  14. Falling Diphthong*

    Yeah, so: This is a thing that is conceivably fine if you both keep quiet about it, and he is in fact not raising any “Why are you so unresponsive/unproductive on work from home days?” flags.

    Any extra task you accomplish while on the clock, that you tell everyone in the office about, is inviting judgment. Laundry has fallen into “normal and fine” along with “wait for plumber to arrive.” You’re usually expected to be off the clock for things like taking kids to school, exercising, playing Fallout, etc. Lots of people flex their hours to allow for those breaks–but it’s shifting the work time, not replacing it.

    Honestly I think the most side-eye is going to come from the perceived quickness of this quickie. “Five minutes, start to finish, tops” is a weird thing to confide to your coworkers. So just don’t talk about it.

    Reply ↓
    1. Htunus*

      She’s a SAHM. He’s only watching the baby for an hour or so on the day or two that he works from home while she takes older kids to school.

      Reply ↓
    3. londonedit*

      He’s only watching the baby while she’s dropping the other children off at nursery etc. The rest of the time, he’s working in their home office.

      Personally I don’t see this as any different than, say, having a quick shower during the working day, or popping to the shops, or going for a run at lunchtime. If you have the sort of job where it’s just a case of getting your work done within your working hours, I don’t think it matters how that happens and I don’t think it matters if you’re taking the odd ‘break’. But there’s no need for anyone at work to know what you’re doing with that break.

      Reply ↓
        1. sheworkshardforthemoney*

          Even a walk to the bus stop takes time. I did the school bus drop off and pick up for a neighbour when they had a newborn because getting a kid ready for school and then packing up the baby to take along was a lot of work. Just walking to the bus stop and waiting for the school bus was easily 20 minutes at both ends of the day.

          Reply ↓
        2. Empress Ki*

          I don’t think OP mentioned a car. There are at least 3 schools in my area. If I had kids, it would take me about 3mn walk each way to take them to the nearest school. It really depends where you live.

          Reply ↓
        3. Margaret Cavendish*

          Or it takes X minutes. I don’t think the specific duration matters – the point is it doesn’t take very long.

          Reply ↓
        4. Spencer Hastings*

          Depends on the location, probably. When I was a kid, it was probably about 10 minutes each way (and for some people maybe 5), but in a bigger city you might have a serious “commute” to school.

          Reply ↓
        5. doreen*

          It can , drop-off especially. When I dropped my kids off at school they got out of the car and I watched as they walked into the schoolyard – I was stopped about a minute. If the school had been a 5 minute drive, drop off would have taken 10 or 11 minutes. But the letter doesn’t mention a car – the closest school is under 200 feet from my house. I can walk there in less than a minute.

          Reply ↓
    5. Daughter of Ada and Grace*

      It sounds to me like he’s only watching the baby during school drop-off times (which may or may not fall during his working hours), and the OP watches the baby the rest of the time. I think the relevance of baby’s nap time is that nap time is when the OP is free.

      Reply ↓
      1. Commenter 505*

        Good point. My kids’ school day starts at 8:00, which gives me plenty of time to drive them to school, go back home, throw in a load of laundry, dress for work, and get to my office at 9:00. Or maybe 9:10.

        Reply ↓
    6. Whale I Never*

      It sounds like husband is only watching the baby when the LW is taking their older kids to and from school. Length of the trip and age of the baby may vary, of course, but I don’t think that’s enough to definitively say childcare is affecting his work, the way it would if he were the primary caregiver.

      Reply ↓
    7. Sex LW*

      Hi, I wrote the letter. He only works from home one or two days a week, and he only watches the baby while I drop the others off. In the morning, that happens during the time when he normally commuting, so no missed work time. In the afternoon, it can take 30-45 minutes, so he only does that if he is having a very slow day. Usually I take the baby with me for that one.

      Reply ↓
    8. RCB*

      Why are you questioning the OP’s version of things? You’re taking this letter in a different direction than the letter was intended and introducing issues that aren’t present in the letter, this isn’t helpful and doesn’t comport with the commenting rules for the site.

      Reply ↓
  16. Htunus*

    Changing my name to say I’ve absolutely done this, and I thought everyone did if they happen to be WFH at the same time as their partner! Despite the latent “this feels different” vibe about it being Sex, I really don’t think it’s any different from taking any other kind of leisure break during the day, like taking a walk or watching an episode of a TV show during lunch.

    Reply ↓
  17. Anon4this!*

    I think it also depends on how long the drop offs are. Meaning is he watching the baby for drop off and pick up during work hours? I’m guessing that is minimum 20-30 minutes or more each time so he’s also then not working or not focusing on work for a minimum 40 -60 minutes already during the work day. I can walk to my kids school in 10-12 minutes but even then getting them ready and out of the house and coming back takes me minimum 20-30 minutes and we live close to our school! After school kids want to play when they aren’t in after school or a club so honestly I would take longer to get home so this time your husband is watching the baby is also time away from work.

    As Alison said I think it depends on his work product at home and if the company looked into metrics from at home versus in the office/ if it’s hard to reach him during that time. And as Alison said if it’s a brief 10-15 minutes that is different than 30-60 minute situation since then your husband would technically be not working that period plus the period above. So I would also calculate that too. If it’s an occasional rather than every WFH day.

    Reply ↓
  18. Regina Phalange*

    Our couples therapist recently *encouraged* my husband and I to have sex during the work day, because it’s one of the only times we have when our daughter isn’t around (she goes to half day pre-K.) So there’s that…

    Reply ↓
  19. Vipsania Agrippina*

    As long as your husband counts it as break time I see no problem. For me it’s no different that going for a nap to rest, or doing some other type of exercice to get your head unclouded of thoughts.

    Let’s be honest, since sex can be quite relaxing it might even be good for his work!

    Reply ↓
  20. Shhhhh*

    Yeah, husband and I both work from home most of the time. Most days we are both way too busy, but if we both have a slow day? I’ll just take a really short lunch break. The total time away from my laptop is the same…

    Reply ↓
  21. Person from the Resume*

    I think it depends on what the expectations for your husband is while working from home.

    My job makes it clear we’re still supposed working the full hours of our workday. We are not an “as long as you get all your work” you can leave early or shift your hours. We’re not supposed to shift hours. Technically we get a 30 min lunch break and two other 15 minute breaks during the day.

    So this would be a clear no for my organization. But sex and “running a quick errand” and other non-work task that didn’t fit into your official breaks are not allowed.

    Reply ↓
    1. ferrina*

      Would it fit into lunch break though?

      Agree though that if these are his workplace’s expectations, he shouldn’t be away from his computer when he is supposed to be working. But this also really depends on the workplace expectations.

      Reply ↓
      1. a clockwork lemon*

        Unless they’re having Date Night At A Hotel levels of seduction, 30min seems like plenty of time. OP doesn’t mention there being any sort of coverage issue, and even with shift work your lunch break is your own and you’re generally not required to remain on-site for that break (I am sure there are exceptions but it’s very obvious that none of them are relevant to this letter).

        Reply ↓
  22. Czhorat*

    I suspect you’re overthinking this. It’s normal for their to be time you’re not working, and I agree with everyone who says that having sex with your husband is no different to the rest of your team than going for a walk around the block.

    All the reasons to not have sex in the office – and there are many – don’t apply if you’re off premise in your own space.

    Reply ↓
    1. Margaret Cavendish*

      So much overthinking – and I say this as a chronic overthinker myself! Calculating this, break time that – none of this matters. OP’s husband is an adult, with a certain amount of professional judgement and enough autonomy to WFH in the first place. Presumably he’s aware of any restrictions on his work, if he needs to be available at a certain time, or if he needs to submit the TPS reports in an hour, or whatever. If this is how he chooses to manage his time during the work day, then we can assume it’s fine!

      Reply ↓
  23. baseballfan*

    I think the accessibility question is the key one. Is he arriving late to meetings? Is he not accessible when someone needs him, assuming the culture is that you respond more or less right away to instant messages? Are deliverables being delayed?

    If not, then I agree it’s no different than running a quick errand (picking up a prescription at the drugstore, picking up a kid from school, or yes, putting on a load of laundry). Generally I think that when WFM, the more accessible you are and the more your accessibility aligns to how accessible you would be when in office, the less there is an issue.

    Reply ↓
  24. Which Sister*

    I need more than 2 hands to count the number of people I know from previous work places who were having sex, at the work place, and NOT with their spouses.

    And honestly, this is probably helping tremendously with your marriage. THREE SMALL KIDS. Get it in while you can.

    The same rule applies if he is having sex, doing laundry, playing skyrim, moving the sprinkler from the back yard to the side yard, if he is getting his job done then what he does is irrelevant.

    Reply ↓
  25. DramaQ*

    Well according to a former employer of my husband having sex at work is okay so long as the handbook doesn’t explicitly say you can’t!

    And when I say at work I mean on the production floor, during work hours, where a fellow employee walked in on it.

    The owner of the company was afraid said workers would sue if it didn’t expressly say in the handbook they couldn’t do what they did. Kinda figured don’t have sex on the production floor or you are fired was a given but maybe that is an Ask A Manager question?

    I told my husband apparently we’ve been going about work all wrong!

    At least you are doing it in the privacy of your bedroom. ;) Whatever he does on his lunch break is his business so long as whatever is going on doesn’t impact his work when he gets back (like getting inebriated and hopping on the forklift).

    Reply ↓
  26. sheworkshardforthemoney*

    Can he set his out of office message to say that he’s taking a 30/60 lunch break? That’s all anyone needs to know.

    Reply ↓
  27. OneAngryAvacado*

    I’m always of the opinion that as long as you’re getting your work done and reachable within a reasonable window, how you arrange your wfh is entirely up to you. I’ve never known a job where the company meets all of their obligations to employees 100%, so tbh I don’t see why employees should be 100% ‘on it’ throughout their working hours as long as they get done what needs to be done.

    Reply ↓
  28. Nicole Maria*

    Maybe this is just me, but I’m way too conservative for this (I’m speaking personally, not politically.) Just the idea seems super inappropriate even if no one were to find out, it’s just weird to me. It’s like how technically my boss can’t stop me from masturbating in the bathroom during work as long as the door is locked and nobody noticed, but why would I want do that?

    Reply ↓
    1. OneAngryAvacado*

      I mean, there’s a very clear difference between a public shared space and your own home. Work has invaded so much of our lives already: saying that because you work at home you should be treating that space as if it were shared company property (and not your own private property) is a really bad precedent to set.

      Reply ↓
      1. Nicole Maria*

        I guess that was a bad example, but presumably this guy is still having meetings and interacting with co-workers, etc.? The idea that someone could do that and then a few minutes later be in a meeting with me is way too icky for me to consider, sorry. I’m not going to try to stop them, they can do whatever they want, I’m just going to try to forget that this post/conversation exists haha.

        Reply ↓
    2. Nancy*

      A shared work bathroom is not the same as a person’s private home, unless you are inviting your coworkers over to work with you.

      I have no clue what my coworkers do during the day when they are at home and don’t care, as long as the work is done.

      Reply ↓
      1. Nicole Maria*

        You’re still working and interacting with co-workers presumably – just the idea that someone could do something like that and then ten minutes later be in a meeting with me is way too weird to think about, sorry. I agree that this letter writer can do whatever they want, I just hope I don’t have to think about it ever again.

        Reply ↓
          1. Nicole Maria*

            Technically that’s true, although personally I don’t interact with that many people outside of my co-workers so it wouldn’t really come up.

            When I interact with a cashier or something hopefully they didn’t just have a quickie in the breakroom, although I guess technically anything is possible.

            Reply ↓
  29. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    I snorted at the headline, cackled at “(and I never thought I would compare sex and laundry)” and HOWLED at “and of course if it’s his lunch break you can get it on with impunity.” Thank you. :)

    Reply ↓
  30. WorkInnit*

    Honestly, I think you’re overthinking it. If it’s the type of work where he needs to be reachable all day, then yes, it’s an issue.

    If he has lots of time during the day where he does his work without having to be reachable and he can complete all his work at good quality and on time while having a liaison with you in between for motivation and team building (as you as a couple are undoubtedly a team), then it’s not an issue.

    Nobody needs to know.

    Reply ↓
  31. a clockwork lemon*

    When I was in college we called lunch break sex a “nooner” (ex., “So and so is having a nooner so I can’t go back to the room until after my 1pm class”) and I am in the camp that if you want to have a quickie during what would ordinarily be a lunch/laundry/exercise break, you are consenting adults who can absolutely do that.

    If it makes y’all feel better to frame it as a workout in your heads, it may feel less weird? Very few people would bat an eye if they found out that your husband takes 30-45min somewhere in the midday window to go for a run or take a yoga class.

    Reply ↓
  32. AthenaC*

    “Is he doing well at his job?”

    My first thought here was asking if he was doing a good job …. in bed. Because, see, if he was only doing a mediocre job it’s probably not worth the risk, but if he’s doing a really good job then you definitely want to make the time between meetings.

    Reply ↓
    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      “You’ve only received a meets expectation on bedroom activity this year, so we’re going to have to skip the lunchtime quickies until our post-work encounters improve.”

      Reply ↓
  33. S*

    Speaking as a parent of young kids…this can sometimes be the only good time to do it. By the time the kids are in bed for the night, you’re usually too tired! (Especially the parent who took the lead on childcare that day. You get “touched out”.)

    Reply ↓
  34. Joyce to the World*

    I am salaried and WFH. Who gets a lunch? I haven’t had a full 1 hour lunch in years. Not even a 30 min lunch. I end up grabbing something and eating during a meeting. My organization likes to schedule meetings from 11 AM straight through to 3 PM. I put in way more time than 8 hours. I think it is OK as long as you are discrete and it doesn’t interfere with work. Excuse me while I go put a load of laundry into the dryer.

    Reply ↓
    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      This –especially when I’m WFH, I tend to eat in front of my computer while doing other work. A full hour for lunch is rare, and since most employers don’t seem to mind you working through lunch, I think it’s fair to claw back that time in other ways if it’s not impacting anything.

      Reply ↓
      1. Joyce to the World*

        I think it is a cultural/structural thing at my org to not take a lunch if WFH and salaried. I remember the one guy, newer to his role as salaried, who had the nerve to block out an hour on his calendar for lunch. It didn’t last long. I also do not want to be that person audibly chewing on the phone and grossing people out because I forgot to mute my phone. So, I tend to do a “2nd breakfast” before all the calls start.

        Reply ↓
      2. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

        What are you basing that on, though? I feel like not taking lunch (i.e. working while eating) is at least as common as taking lunch. And people who can WFH are more likely to be knowledge workers/professionals whose time is more likely to be flexible.

        Reply ↓
    3. ThatGirl*

      I mean, you not getting a lunch break sounds like a combination of a culture/department and you problem – there are plenty of folks who get a consistent break most or all of the time.

      Reply ↓
      1. Joyce to the World*

        I don’t know that it is a “me” problem, but definitely a cultural and structural problem. Plus we are nationwide and people are in different time zones. So, it is a way to have every one participate. Believe me, I am not wasting away from starvation, I have learned to work around it.

        Reply ↓
  35. ChurchOfDietCoke*

    “Is he doing well at his job?”

    Well, OP seems to have multiple small children, so I’d say he’s doing rather well at his job… ;)

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  36. Anon for This*

    I always wanted to do this when my husband and I both worked from home but it was too difficult for me to get out of a work headspace in enough time to have good sex and then get back into a work headspace. My mental state matters a lot for both work and play (lol). I absolutely don’t see anything wrong with this though; as long as you’re getting your work done it’s no different than running an errand to me. It’s just another flexible work perk!

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    1. Myrin*

      That’s honestly what’s most astounding to me about this question/the comments who say they also do this – I can’t imagine just flipping a “sex switch” like this in the middle of the day. But then again I’m on the asexual spectrum so possibly I’ve just now encountered the first situation ever where I truly couldn’t comprehend how allosexuals feel.

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  37. Liz the Snackbrarian*

    Because of the nature of the activity, I’m more inclined to say it should be on unpaid breaks than a chore like doing dishes. My barometer is if you were doing dishes in the office kitchen on paid time, people might say, “Yeah that’s courteous and an appropriate use of time” whereas I can’t think of a context where in person it’d be like “Oh you’re having sex/masturbating? Totally cool, carry on.” But really, if it’s not interfering with work activities, I say go for it.

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  40. Obviously Anoymous*

    I have done this exactly once, and it’s the reason we have a second child. As an old parent, those windows of opportunity are small and you have to, uh, shoot your shot in those few chances you have.

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  41. Kiitemso*

    I wonder if this same letter writer sent the same letter to someone like Dan Savage to see what he would say. I personally think it’s fine. Me and some girlfriends were talking how we have “Let off steam” during wfh lunches, especially during COVID when things were tough mentally. As long as it’s away from the work space (no Teams camera mishaps), work gets done otherwise, and it’s within reason (you’re not doing tantric sex sessions), it’s definitely fine.

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  42. Angstrom*

    IF your work is ok with using PTO or flextime for appointments or other personal activities…it’s a personal activity. If you’re accurate about reporting your hours it’s none of their business how you spend the time off.

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  43. Turquoisecow*

    I think people think sex is not okay but laundry is because laundry is a necessity and it’s not fun. Replace sex with video games, an activity done purely for fun. Is it okay to take breaks during the workday to play a video game? (Assuming that it’s a quick 10-15 minute break like doing laundry would be, and not a long session, because I assume for the purposes of this question that the sex would be quick as well.)

    Answers will vary. If you’re responsive and getting work done then short breaks for fun-only stuff is fine. Even in the office, you grab a coffee, you make a personal call, you chat with a coworker friend, maybe you read or play a game on your phone. If you’re not productive and responsive, the boss is within their rights to say “hey you’re goofing off too much, I need you to answer phone calls/emails/IMs faster than you are. If you’re in the break room or your car or your bedroom down the hall having sex when something is happening work-wise that you should be paying attention to, it’s a bad look also. If you come back in two minutes, “sorry I was in the bathroom, putting wash in the dryer, grabbing a coffee?” Fine. “Sorry I was finishing this race in MarioKart, talking to my friend, having sex?” Ehhh.

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    2. Caramel & Cheddar*

      I think so much of this depends on your job! I don’t play video games, but my job requires a lot of problem solving-style thinking, which sometimes means I take time away from my desk to work through a problem. Changing up my environment while thinking about something can often help me break through on a solution, and I could actually see 15 mins of video games being something that could help with that if that was a way I liked to spend my time.

      I’m reminded how on Mad Men, Don used to just disappear to the movies all the time as a way of shaking up the cobwebs in his brain when he couldn’t crack the gist of a campaign. I’m not saying people should go to the movies, but it’s an example of a) finding an alternate way to do parts of your job that require your brain more than your desk, and b) how so many jobs might benefit from a lot more flexibility than they’re afforded.

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  45. nnn*

    I think that the important nuance is that, in terms of what your co-workers can perceive, you should look exactly like you aren’t having sex during your workday.

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  46. DoneThis*

    Have at it! Don’t say anything to coworkers. Don’t let mommy and daddy time extend beyond regular lunch or break time. And don’t forget to close the camera / mic on the computer. But otherwise, enjoy.

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  49. Tammy 2*

    I’m just going to say, I have definitely gotten stuck in small-talk conversations at the office that took longer than even fairly elaborate sex.

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  50. Jeanine*

    Geeze I never thought about this one, now I am curious what my co workers are up to when they have a break lol. Personally I never do and wouldn’t even consider sex during a work day. But that’s just me.

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  52. Potsie*

    If he is on break and the break is within the allowed amount of time, it is no one’s business. If he is just disappearing, it is problematic. But it is problematic the same way disappearing to do any other non-work related thing would be.

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  53. Anon anon anon anon anon*

    This comments debate is fascinating! When you’re a trans person starting testosterone, all your brethren will immediately warn you that the first few months are torture. Your libido skyrockets almost immediately, and the relevant body parts become incredibly sensitive, and sometimes over sensitive. If I hadn’t been able to take 10-15 minutes every so often when working from home to deal with the physical distraction and discomfort, I’d never have been able to get anything done! It’s not even being in the mood, it’s just your body responding to the slightest friction to an absurd degree while things recalibrate. Thankfully it’s calmed down with time, but it’s still one of the best unspoken accommodations, to be able to go deal with what my body needs and then come back and actually focus and be a productive employee.

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    1. Margaret Cavendish*

      I was going to say the same. Definitely did that when I lived walking distance from my work, and my husband had a different work schedule to mine. Often times I came home for lunch and he was still in bed – neither of us was going to pass up that opportunity!

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  55. Melon Merengue*

    I remember seeing articles when the pandemic was in full swing about how people are doing LAUNDRY or taking WALKS or even, god help us all, having SEX during mandatory WFH. It all comes from those types who want everyone back in-office ASAP and fearmonger other bosses about their employees slacking off at home. Just get the TPS report to me on time, don’t tell me what you’ve been doing, and we’re good to go.

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  56. Anon for This*

    my sweetheart and I do this whenever our hybrid schedules line up correctly. I really strongly believe that humans are animals and we operate best when we have a minimum of artifice to the contrary. it’s good to be intimate at different times of the day just like it’s good to eat a varied diet and combine weight training with cardio.

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  57. Alva*

    The difference between laundry and sex is that you can pick up the phone during laundry and head back to your desk if needed. If your phone rings during sex are you either going to ignore the call until you’re done, or like … pause the sex and pick up the phone? The latter feels all kinds of icky & the former not very professional. I don’t want to be chatting with a co-worker who unbeknownst to me is mid-shag.
    That said, this only applies if you have the kind of job where you need to be available – if you work freelance or your time is otherwise your own, then whatever, and lunch hour feels like fair game.

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  60. Audiophile*

    Going back to pre-pandemic times, I’ve had a few jobs where I had the flexibility to work from home, sometimes unofficially. I definitely used it to my advantage—doing laundry, taking a cat nap, running errands, grabbing lunch out, and even seeing a movie once. I knew I was getting my work done, even excelling in my job, and doing the majority of the tasks of my two supervisors.

    Once I left that job, I was much more risk-averse. However, this was not because I wasn’t good at my new job but because the culture was toxic, and it was a new job, so I hadn’t built up clout.

    All that said, in none of my jobs have I ever felt so secure as to have sex on the clock. One could argue, I’m sure, that it’s less risky than leaving the house for a movie or grocery shopping, but it feels more dangerous. I don’t know why.

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  61. Doesn't matter.*

    Sex is like any other activity for exercise. No one would think twice about going for a walk with a partner or to a cycling class, or a sparring boxing workout. Sexual exceptionalism is a relic for a puritan victorian sexual era.

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  62. AnonInCanada*

    So long as they’re not doing the horizontal cha-cha on the desk in the middle of a Zoom call (then again, that would be one way to spice up an otherwise dull meeting), and as long as it’s not impacting their productivity, who cares if they’re having a little nookie during the work day? As most others have said, it’s no different from taking a pause to put a load of laundry in the washer, or taking the kids to school or the dog for a walk. This isn’t 1950, where sex was a dirty word and it was only done to procreate!

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