my anxious employee wants daily reassurance

by Alison Green on September 5, 2024

A reader writes:

I manage a small team, including one employee who joined us somewhat recently.

This is her first time doing the kind of work that we do, and training from afar isn’t ideal (we work remotely), but she’s learning and progressing well. I give her positive feedback on her work, along with corrections and edits when needed, and I try to be as reassuring as possible about her progress, but nearly every day she calls me to apologize for not knowing something she hasn’t been taught yet, or feeling as if she’s not working fast enough, or not progressing as she thinks she should be. Each time, I tell her that I’m not concerned with her pace and that I haven’t found any fault with the work she’s doing while she learns and that she really does not need to apologize for still learning her very new job, but that only seems to help her for a little while, because she brings it all up again the next day.

I know that this new job anxiety is probably made worse by the fact we aren’t in the same office, but how can I make her see that the daily apology calls aren’t necessary?

I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

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{ 61 comments }

{ 61 comments… read them below }

  1. Caramel & Cheddar*

    I’m willing to bet a large sum of money that this employee is coming from a toxic workplace. Everyone I know who did this sort of thing in a job, including myself, came from a place where you always had to apologize for every little thing and it’s really, really difficult to shake that feeling. The LW is being clear that the apologies are not necessary, but I think it’s important to know that even if you’ve expressed that no apologies are necessary and the employee is doing fine, they may continue with this for awhile as they unlearn the behaviours they learned at the toxic workplace.

    It’s hard work and, no, you shouldn’t have to endure it while they work this out for themselves, but I’d probably try to reframe the problem as being about that past environment and less so about constantly needing reassurance.

    The other thing I’ll add is that when I was going through this myself, my workplace had almost zero on-boarding and that didn’t help. So not only was I carrying all this baggage, I also had zero idea what the expectations were in my new place around processes, norms, deadlines, what happens when you make an error, etc.

    1. Oxford Common Sense*

      I agree that the employee may have come from a toxic workplace. I have hired people who have been through the same thing. It is actually helpful when the employee names it and we can address it together, but of course that relies on the employee disclosing it first.

    2. juliebulie*

      I think you are right. I’ve had similar problems as an employee. Coming from a place where I was scolded for everything – I tried to get ahead of that at the next job but ended up driving my boss crazy.

      We’ve talked before on this site about “askers” and “guessers.” OP’s employee is an asker. She needs to learn how to guess.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Er what now? “I’m learning too slow, I don’t know what I should know, I’m sorry I’m not doing a good enough job” despite being frequently told that she’s fine and still in training is … not an asker vs guesser thing? That doesn’t even make sense.

    4. dot*

      Agreed, I had a coworker like this for a brief stint and it was exhausting. She was perfectly nice and decently capable, but needed near constant reassuring. And I know she came from a different, highly toxic team (she got moved to us because she was essentially getting fired for asking for work to do, so that tells you about all you need to know). I kept that in mind as much as possible but it was difficult to do the constant emotional labor for her.

    5. Peanut Hamper*

      This was my thought as well. I’m almost three years out from my previous highly toxic job and I still find myself struggling sometimes to adjust my behavior for a more normal workplace.

      Typically, it usually involves asking for help from my boss with something, because if I did that old job, I’d get told “Figure it out yourself; that’s what I’m paying you for.”

      1. hiraeth*

        Yep, I came to say this – could be a toxic workplace or a toxic home growing up. For that matter, a toxic partner. There are lots of ways a person can lose their confidence.

  2. Yup*

    Anxiety is a real thing, and performance anxiety falls under that umbrella. It’s not anyone’s job to constantly make someone else’s anxiety go away (it’s a never-ending loop), but as a first “real” boss you probably have a great role to play in explaining this in a positive and helpful way. Maybe schedule weekly/monthly meetings for this kind of talk and say you’re happy to discuss at those times, but can’t spend your day to day easing her anxiety. From experience, this goes away somewhat with time and experience, but having a good, caring, compassionate manager with firm boundaries would have helped me SO much when I was new to my work. Good luck and thanks for caring about your employee!

    1. AnotherSarah*

      I also wonder whether naming it as anxiety (not in a clinical/diagnostic sense but a colloquial one) might help her realize that maybe a therapist would be the better receiver for this kind of thing.

  3. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

    OPs often say they have told someone that some unwanted actions – apologies, out of hours work, phone calls etc – “aren’t necessary” when they need to say “please stop this” , because otherwise the recipient can think it is not necessary but still preferred, or normal.

    As so often, clarity is kinder than polite waffling that requires the recipient to guess the real meaning.
    Particularly important for a manager. Be respectful but above all be clear what you really want.

    1. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      Also, when someone is very stressed, they often can’t take in the essential points from a long wall of text or a longwinded / convoluted conversation, however kind. It just becomes static in their ears.

      So state what you want kindly, but clearly and briefly, then pause to wait for their response. Maybe they’ll ask you to confirm you really really don’t need this action from them, or to ask what else they should do. Or they’ll tell you something about their previous toxic boss.

    2. el l*

      Agree. “That’s not necessary” can sound like other non-face-value phrases like “Oh, you shouldn’t have.” That’s why it’s better to say, “Please stop this,” or “Please don’t do this,” etc.

      Depending on their deal, the other necessary message can be, “If there’s a problem, I will tell you.” Or, “If I expect an apology, it will be because of something bigger than a normal learning curve, and you will know why said apology is necessary.”

    3. Allonge*

      At the same time, “stop this” can be quite harsh, and “this is not necessary”, especially if repeated, is a common way to communicate it should stop.

      It does not work on anxiety!brain, and indeed OP should say stop at this stage. But I don’t think it’s fair to say that it was wishy-washy to start with what OP tried.

    4. Elsajeni*

      Yes, I was thinking about this pattern with another letter recently — I think it was one where an employee was copying their manager on a zillion emails. The difference between “you don’t need to do that” and “you need to not do that” can seem very subtle! But one actually clearly means “stop that,” and the other doesn’t (who among us has not said “oh, you didn’t need to do that!” while beaming and thinking “… but I’m so happy you did!”, after all).

  4. Honoria Lucasta*

    My understanding, admittedly limited and non-professional (just from listening to some general psychology podcasts), is that after a certain point continuing to reassure people who come to you with anxiety can actually reinforce the anxiety. By continuing to reassure them when they ask, it creates a feedback loop that reinforces the need or desire for reassurance.

    That’s another reason that setting these boundaries, and not providing constant reassurance during the week, can actually be a gift to this person. (I’m obviously distinguishing reassurance from well-deserved praise; reassurance would be the soothing comments that are in direct response to expressions of anxiety. Better to give unasked for praise that doesn’t contribute to the feedback cycle)..

    2. Kat*

      Yah I wondered why Alison hadn’t suggested OP tell the employee “I need you to trust I will tell you if I have a concern and please stop checking in /seeking reassurance every day”. The weekly check in is a good idea bc the employee is new but I wonder if someone this anxious is just going to be more anxious at the weekly meeting bc they feel they need to track all the things they have to apologize for, for an entire week at a time.

      1. carrot cake*

        But she did make that suggestion; script: “…I’m going to ask that you trust what I’ve told you about your work….let’s plan to check in every Thursday at 2:00 to review the previous week, and you’re welcome to ask any questions then about how things are going…”

  5. Bookworm*

    I wonder how old the anxious employee is. Anxiety seems to be a very real thing with folks under 30 or so.

    1. Keyboard Cowboy*

      I’m not sure how much it’s age dependent as opposed to tone around mental health during upbringing dependent. My impression is that older folks don’t have less mental health problems, they just have more stigma around discussing them. Whereas millennials (some) and GenZ (lots) will talk openly about therapy and their diagnoses; it’s very destigmatized.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        I agree with this. Older generations were just taught to suck it up and deal with it on their own.

        1. Anahita*

          I’m in my 70’s, and still trying to figure out the sweet spot. I’ve definitely gotten a lot of benefit from the “suck it up and figure it out yourself” side. It’s given me self-reliance, and avoided the additional layer of anxiety in having to process others’ judgements of my mental state if I had gone into full breakdown mode– especially in my work life.
          I also realize the price I pay in lack of authenticity, and unnecessarily “should-ing” on myself.
          When co-workers (usually younger) have been open about their mental health issues in various ways, sometimes it seems like there’s an overlay of what I call “functional narcissism” (is it a thing?). It’s not the usual toxic narcissistic behavior we are warned about, but it does keep the focus on “me, me, me; my issues are too important to pay attention to workplace requirements or anyone else’s concerns, so if I constantly broadcast my mental state, I have a pass.” And yet, when I’m at my lowest, that feeling– whether state or not (and corresponding ability (or lack of)) is very literally true.

          1. Peanut Hamper*

            Yep, that feeling of not discussing your mental health issues because you just want people to pay attention to you is part of how older generations were gas-lighted into not talking about them.

            It’s not that you want attention necessarily, but it’s because talking about mental health issues makes the people uncomfortable and they don’t know how to respond.

      2. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

        This employee isn’t sharing her MH or diagnosis ( if she has one). She’s apologising all the time about her work. We’ve had many other posts about needy/anxious new employees who haven’t shared any MH issues.
        The need for constant reassurance at work does seem more common now among young people starting white/pink-collar jobs (not so much other jobs?), than than when those of us age 60+ started such work.

        I think it’s a mixture of we got more training then but also we tried to figure things out ourselves a lot more – that was part of a much more free range upbringing.
        Maybe also more pressure now to succeed quickly, less forgiveness of mistakes, less time to overcome a mediocre start and repair a reputation when jobs tend to be of shorter duration than the previous 30-40 years? Also specific to the US, is there more pressure because of higher student loans & medical costs than early generations?

    2. Paint N Drip*

      well anxiety is very real for everyone suffering from it (me 33 and my dad 70 for 2 examples) but statistically it does seem that we are seeing more of the young populations suffering – wonder how much of that is ‘deal with it’ boomer energy versus being open with mental health or the dumpster-fire the younger generations were born into or starting young with social media or what

      1. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

        I suspect part of this is that almost all us aged say >60 had a very free-range childhood and were able to learn independence and problem-solving from an early age more gradually in steps. This built up resilience too.
        In contrast, the younger generation were mostly very regimented throughout childhood, then still shepherded at uni, then suddenly thrust into employment having to make decisions themselves and take responsibility. It could be quite a shock and the more sensitive would suffer more from the completely different expectations and removal of support, especially in the high stakes setting of having to keep a job.

    3. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      I suspect part of this is that almost all boomers had a very free-range childhood and were able to learn independence and problem-solving from an early age more gradually in steps. This built up resilience too.
      In contrast, the last generation or 2 were mostly very regimented throughout childhood, then still shepherded at uni, then suddenly thrust into employment having to make decisions themselves and take responsibility. It’s probably quite a shock and the more sensitive would suffer more from the completely different expectations and removal of support, especially in the high stakes setting of having to keep a job.

    4. Parenthesis Guy*

      Anxiety also correlates with experience. Someone that’s been working for three years is going to be more anxious than someone working for thirty years because the younger guy doesn’t know the norms yet.

      1. Georgia Carolyn Mason*

        I don’t think it’s 100% generational, but as a Gen-Xer it’s been interesting to see this change. Mental health wasn’t discussed by my parents at all, except in whispers. As a young adult, I knew people who “admitted” to being in therapy, but it was always “for” something specific that wasn’t “their fault.” (Death of a parent, miscarriage, etc.) Now, younger coworkers put therapy appointments on the work calendar! I occupy the middle: I’ve gone to therapy, for issues I caused for myself, but I take the 6pm appointment or book a private meeting if I have to go midday. I think the way the younger folks are doing it is generally healthier, though, and most of the young people I know weren’t coddled.

        1. Goldfeesh*

          Therapy was just something on The Bob Newhart Show, people you knew didn’t have access to it- and if they did, they sure weren’t going to admit it.

    5. Tobias Funke*

      In my experience anxiety manifests differently in older folks and in younger folks. My 70 year old mother fretting that I’ve painted my front door the wrong color and obsessing about it for months and calling me and asking if it’s okay and is that a color for a front door and is it customary to have a green door and do any of your neighbors have a green door and does your HOA allow green doors and what will people think if you have a green door and what if you don’t like the green door anymore is ABSOLUTELY an anxious thing.

      This is a massive, massive, massive generalization but older folks’ anxiety seems to manifest around Doing It Right in a Socially Acceptable Way. Do you have a dress for the (event) yet?? Can I send you one? I have some in my closet, do you want them? Where are you going to get it? What if they don’t have anything? Is that appropriate for (event)? What about your shoes? It’s past Labor Day, they’re not white are they? I have shoes for you. Did you get a dress yet? How short is it? I know your dresses are always too short. I’ve got one for you if you want. Did you look at one? What size is it? Is that the right size? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Until nobody is sure of anything and the other person’s anxiety is off the charts as well.

      The flip side of the independence and problem solving skills older folks were blessed to be taught is horrific anxiety about doing it Wrong and what does it Mean. Something can always be fixed to be better and more socially acceptable and if it’s Wrong it’s the end of the world. Catastrophizing everything is in fact anxiety even if older folks don’t call it that.

      1. vanilla millie*

        I just wanted to give this comment some love, because I think this its own short story. Thank you so much for brightening my day.

      2. What name did I use last time?*

        I agree with vanilla millie that this was a delightful little vignette, but I’m going to suggest that it’s not about age but about class.
        As a simple farm girl, aged 67, I assure you that I don’t care about any of those “the neighbours are looking, white after Labour Day, what to wear” things and neither did my mother or most other people I knew. That story sounded very East Coast, upper middle class or aspirational.

        1. MsSolo (UK)*

          I don’t know, it sounds exactly like my mother, who was raised in an army family in the North of England. There’s a conflation of Safe and Right – the idea that the right choice makes you safe, but expressed as the safe choice must be right. The specifics of shoes will vary, but a lot of conversations with my mother boil down to her ruminating on whether something is “safe”, whether that’s socially safe or physically (she spent a lot of time discussing the dangers of receipt paper, for example, while I was pregnant, and told me in the same run on sentence that she likes my tattoos and everyone she’s ever known with tattoos lived to regret it).

          Every choice must be justified, every alternative must be explored, at length (even the impossible ones – you have to put aside plenty of time to explore whether they could be made possible, even if you don’t want to do them anyway), every decision must be relitigated after the fact to prove it was the right choice after all. It is definitely coming from a place of anxiety and causes a lot of anxiety, and that’s not an accident – if everyone is as anxious as she is then the behaviour itself becomes Right, and feels Safe.

          We recently ended up in a gift shop for over an hour with my nephew because every time he narrowed down on a toy she introduced three more options, just in case, despite the fact my sister told her before we left what he wanted to buy and where to find it. And he was anxious and stressed, because suddenly spending £5 at a zoo he goes to monthly had a Right and Wrong answer that would last forever. And he didn’t even get the toy my sister had said to buy, but my mother has convinced herself my nephew can’t make decisions because this happens every time they go to the zoo.

        2. Sylvia F*

          I think you’re right that it has to do with class, but in unpredictable ways. My grandmother was born in a literal sod house on a homestead, and her sense of shame over her humble beginnings made her weep actual tears if I left the house in ripped jeans.

    6. xylocopa*

      Ehhh. The worst case I’ve seen of constantly needing reassurance at work was someone in their 60s. They had recently come from a very toxic work situation and in general seemed like they’d spent many decades building up a coping mechanism of constant apologies and demands for reassurance. Obviously I felt a lot of compassion for them, but it was exhausting–and deeply frustrating because some of this behavior was so deeply ingrained and they didn’t seem able to shift their energy from the constant-apologies-and-reassurances to, like…actually learning how to improve their work.

      1. xylocopa*

        (I apologize if that sounds harsh! It was just a very frustrating situation for everyone involved.)

  6. Kat*

    I really like the question I read on this site about asking an interviewer “what does a successful candidate look like 1 year in” or phrased what do you expect them to be able to do (I can’t recall the exact phrasing Alison used.) it’s one I aim to ask next time I’m interviewing.

    1. Frosty*

      I used her question “what would you say differentiates an exceptional person in this role, from someone that is just ‘good'” and it went over really well. I got some very useful information on the type of person/actions that will succeed, and it seemed as though the interviewers liked thinking about it.

  7. Tom R*

    I’ve had a similar situation with a new team member who I’ve been training for the last month. She’s super smart and has some great ideas but is always apologizing for asking questions, even though I always remind her that questions are good and expected as she learns in her new role. I’m learning that she’s coming from a team that was significantly less patient with her so she developed this fear of annoying people

    1. Artemesia*

      A lot of people also don’t have insight. The idea that being needy and constantly needing reassurance is immature and annoying is foreign to them or they think people don’t see it. It is unprofessional to need constant comforting in the workplace — and if you are supervising someone like this it is important to let them know that in as clear a way as you can without being nasty. That gets to the ‘you don’t need to’ is to subtle for these people — it needs to be ‘we don’t do this — you need to stop doing it.’

      1. allathian*

        Yes, this. But it also means that when, not if, the anxious person makes a mistake, they need more understanding and compassion than most people would. If they don’t get it, the anxiety will only get worse.

  8. happyhoodies*

    As someone who had a lot of job anxiety due to past toxic managers, I can say the best thing that alleviated my anxiety was to understand from my manager how true performance issues were handled in the workplace and that things don’t go from 0 to 100 overnight. This is what I would have loved to hear. “I want to give you some background on how we handle any performance issues at X company so that you don’t feel the need to check in on your progress every day. If I have any concerns I first bring it up at X check-in three times, and then include it on your performance evaluation. Then, if nothing has been done X plan will occur. So, it’s a long progress and you’ll be given multiple chances to correct something before it rises to HR.” That type of reassurance can go miles for an anxious employee who can talk themselves down by saying they won’t get fired the next day without having any notice.

    1. Random Academic Cog*

      Thank you for this suggestion! I also have a new employee from a toxic environment (transfer, so I know the situation) and I’ve been doing my best to reassure him, but this is really helpful language.

  9. Filofaxes*

    I’m echoing others that it COULD be a combination of:
    –her previous workplace was a hot mess and she was criticized for every little thing
    –training remotely/being the new person while remote isn’t ideal (ask me how I know)
    –her overall personality

    It’s exhausting and she can’t keep doing it indefinitely. But it may help to keep that context in mind (assuming any of that is relevant here).

    1. Industry Behemoth*

      On the first one above, I would add maybe she was the only one expected to do anything, and was faulted if she didn’t.

  10. Alan*

    I just want to say what a kind answer this was. It would be easy to feed the anxiety and have her spiral into “Am I asking for too much reassurance?” over and over. Alison’s suggestion was direct but also extraordinarily compassionate.

  11. H.Regalis*

    Way too much emotional labor. Also, if this is a clinical kind of anxiety, you can’t reassure someone out of having that.

  12. Festively Dressed Earl*

    Is there a task you can comfortably give her in an area where she’s solid and that won’t take long? I’ve been this employee, constantly second-guessing myself and sure I was screwing up for the first two months of a new job. Being proactively asked/trusted to do something because I was good at it (e.g. my boss would turn to me if she had an account issue that needed to be handled quickly and correctly, and it would only take me 15 minutes) reassured me of my own competence more than words did. I honestly don’t think she did it deliberately, but that show of confidence got it through my head that I was good at my job even though I didn’t know everything.

  13. Dayna Thomas*

    Likely a bad previous employment, as others have said. Damaged people are like damaged puppies, they need time and patience to realize that the bad days are over, that good things are coming, that food arrives at regular times, hands don’t hurt etc. etc.

    Do the “we’ll meet weekly to discuss things” and look for opportunities to give praise, and when Miss or Mr. hole of emotional need drops by “we’re good, talk to you at next 1 on 1”. Employee will likely begin to rebuild confidence in self and trust in you as manager. It’s not particularly easy, however it pays off.

  14. Telephone Sanitizer, Third Class*

    I feel this way at my new job. Slowly getting better about not (internally) going “shit shit shit what did I do” every time my boss messages me. And I’m constantly impressed by my boss being reasonable and functional about things. Old boss would have skewered me for every mistake or question, new boss is “hey can you change this? Thanks.” or “this is a complicated feature, let me call you and show you how to do it”

  15. Kitten*

    This behavior can be manipulative too. I’ve seen staff who create a lot of drama about their performance, over react to criticism and put their manager on a caretaking role. Then the manager is reluctant to give feedback because it’s such a pain.

    Alison’s response works in this situation too.

  16. Sylvia F*

    I could have written this post. I’ve got a longstanding and talented employee who spirals constantly about her worry about having made an error. She checks in constantly about minor decisions that she should be able to handle on her own, and if something goes even slightly unexpectedly, she gets really upset. I’ve had many conversations with her reassuring her that I trust her and that mistakes are normal but tbh I don’t think it’s helped.

  17. RobareOwl*

    The thing I’d like to note about coming out of a toxic environment isn’t necessarily that constant apology was demanded, but that people may be told that everything is fine and then are suddenly hit with performance issues. The constant check-ins are an attempt to get ahead of a problem — though as readers of this blog we recognize a classic “bad manager” move and know it’s not on the employee. (Though I hope I’m never in a situation where I have to determine whether I’ve internalized this…) It has definitely been a theme in my working life to be told that everything is going well but suddenly major performance issues need to be fixed, or I need to take more initiative but also ask before I do anything, etc. Working in a job with very clear expectations has done wonders for me. OP, if you suspect some of this might describe your employee, giving them the ability to determine for themselves if they have accomplished something correctly (a template, previous examples, a checklist to review at the end of a task, etc.) may go a long way to resolve their concerns and take some of the work of reassurance off of you.

  18. Adverb*

    I’d like to offer a different perspective on this. I have a similarly anxious employee. In this person’s case I have found that by providing her regular positive feedback, my employee’s anxiety has lessened to the point it is almost a non issue. We talk regularly, and she knows that her work is both valued and appreciated. She also knows that when adjustment is needed, I provide constructive suggestions, not reprimands or punishment. We have come a long way in just over 18 months.
    I am a firm believer in Dale Carnegie’s statement that a leader should ” be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”

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