my coworker is obsessed with us being happy all the time

by Alison Green on September 26, 2024

I’m off this week, so here’s an older post from the archives. This was originally published in 2019.

A reader writes:

My coworker, Lenora, is the oldest person in our office. She is generally friendly, cheerful, and a hard worker. However, despite her genuinely sweet nature, she is about to drive us all up the wall. In short, she wants us to be happy all of the time, and she has made it her personal mission to make this happen.

She is constantly haranguing myself and all the other admin to smile, be more cheerful, etc. Conversations with her generally go like this:

Lenora: How are you today?
Me: Oh I’m just fine, thanks for asking.
Lenora: Just fine?! Surely you’re WONDERFUL, right? After all, we’re here and healthy and we have good jobs, so what is there to mope about?
Me: *awkward chuckle*

There are other things as well. When Lenora walks into meetings, she announces herself with, “Okay, now everyone turn those frowns upside down!”

She is constantly pushing us to use “more positive” language. For example, if we don’t do so well on a project and the client isn’t happy, we re-do the work. That’s normal for us. However, Lenora will tell everyone that we did GREAT on the project and it just wasn’t what the client wanted, but that’s not our fault! There’s certainly nothing wrong with encouraging people and being positive, but we need to be honest about our shortcomings so we can know where we need to improve.

She’ll also go up to people in the office and asks them why they’re not smiling. Then, when they say something like they were just thinking, she replies that it’s a beautiful day and there’s no reason to frown!

I could go on and on, but hopefully you get the idea. We’re not all a bunch of mopey curmudgeons here. This is a friendly, relaxed office and everyone does a good job. But we don’t sit here with smiles plastered on our faces 24 hours a day.

I also think Lenora’s comments can come off as very hurtful. We don’t know what’s going on in people’s personal lives, and pushing them to act extremely positive and happy can be detrimental to their mental and emotional health. I know I have suffered from depression in the past, and I couldn’t stand it if I were going through that right now and working with Lenora.

The thing is, we are all managed under one director of our department, and Lenora and the director are BFFs. I’ve worked here about three years, and I’ve never seen the director properly manage Lenora or scold her on anything, not even once. The director allows Lenora to do basically whatever she wants. That’s generally not a problem because Lenora does do her work, but it’s just this forced positivity that has gotten way out of control.

I’ve spoken with some other coworkers, and they are burned out with it also. We’d really like to just be left alone to manage our own emotions. Some days we are feeling a little down for one reason or another, and that’s okay. It’s part of life, and no one can be happy like that all the time (except for Lenora I guess).

I’m not sure if I should try to talk to our director, or if I should speak to Lenora directly, or what. But I think I might scream if I have to endure one more week of her reminding me to smile every time she sees me.

Before any screaming ensues, why don’t you and your coworkers try pushing back on Lenora in the moment? For example:

Lenora: How are you today?
You: I’m fine, thanks for asking.
Lenora: Just fine?! Surely you’re WONDERFUL, right?
You: Wow, that’s a really intense response. I’m fine.
Lenora: We’re here and healthy and we have good jobs, so what is there to mope about?
You: I’m not moping. I’m fine, and I’d rather you not try to manage my emotions like that.

Lenora: Why aren’t you smiling?
You: I was in the middle of thinking about a project.
Lenora: It’s a beautiful day and there’s no reason to frown!
You: Please don’t comment on my face — it’s very distracting when I’m trying to focus.

Lenora: Why aren’t you smiling?
You: You ask me that a lot! It’s distracting when I’m trying to focus, and I’d prefer you not comment on my face.

Some options for when she tells your team you did great on a project that wasn’t what the client wanted:
* “I think it will be more useful to focus on why we weren’t aligned with the client on what they wanted, and how we can avoid that happening in the future.”
* “I appreciate you trying to boost us up, but I don’t think we need a pep talk! It’s okay for us to be honest about where we need to improve.”

I’d try this for a while rather than going to your director. This is mostly an interpersonal issue, which your director would rightly expect you to try to solve on your own first. If you try this and it fails … well, it’s still probably mostly an interpersonal issue that doesn’t quite rise to the level of bringing it to your boss. Lenora has an annoying manner, and sometimes that’s just how it goes with coworkers. (The exception to this would be if she were hassling a depressed person or otherwise doing something that took this beyond Very Annoying. In that case, yes, talk to your boss.)

However, there’s a part of this that could fall outside of “interpersonal quirk for you to deal with on your own” — the part about how she tells everyone they did great on projects that your clients want redone. Depending on exactly how that plays out, it’s possible she’s actually undermining your office’s work and the likelihood of people improving. (For example, if she tells a junior person that their mistakes are nothing to worry about and they did great on a project that needs to be redone, and that person believes her and doesn’t put real effort into learning from their mistakes and improving their work — or worse, starts to think clients are unreasonable jerks who make unrealistic demands — she could do real damage to that person’s work and their professional growth.) So that part might be worth raising to your boss, framed as, “Lenora pushes very hard for everyone to be happy and feel good, to the point of telling people that work with mistakes is still great and it’s not their fault for not meeting the client’s standards. I’ve seen several interns blow off mistakes as a result, and I’m concerned her messaging it that way is doing them a real disservice and causing them not to take mistakes seriously.”

But mostly, the solution will be pushing back on Lenora in the moment. Right now it sounds like your office is capitulating to her tyranny of forced cheer, and there’s no reason the rest of you can’t say, “No, we don’t like this, please stop.”

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{ 138 comments }

{ 138 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Sneaky Squirrel*

    Bad advice time: I kind of think that LW should just trauma dump on Lenora.

    Lenora: “Why aren’t you smiling?”
    You: “Well my mother was just in a freak accident and I’m not sure if she’s going to make it. On top of that, my dog just passed away yesterday. Also I found out I’m being evicted because I haven’t been able to keep up with my dog’s medical bills.”

    Reply ↓
    1. Ghostess*

      Personally I’d lean more existential, “how can we be happy when there is so much suffering in the world” etc., and hope she skips over me with those questions in the future.

      Reply ↓
        1. Consonance*

          I recommend instead using quotes from Oscar the Grouch. Here’s a list I found!

          1. “I love garbage! All the colors and smells!”

          2. “I’m not happy unless I’m miserable!”

          3. “I’m the grumpiest, nastiest, most rotten Grouch in the world!”

          4. “I’m so grouchy, I can’t even smile.”

          5. “I’m just a trash can-dwelling Grouch who loves to be grumpy!”

          6. “Some people are born grumpy. I was born grouchy.”

          7. “Grumpiness is my natural state.”

          8. “I’m not happy unless I’m complaining about something.”

          9. “I’m the king of grouchy!”

          10. “I’m Oscar the Grouch, and I’m perfect just the way I am!”

          Reply ↓
          2. Goldenrod*

            ha ha, this is so cute. Oscar the Grouch is a great role model.

            We can also borrow wisdom from Lou Grant: “You have spunk. I hate spunk!”

            Reply ↓
    3. Not on board*

      Yes, to both Sneaky Squirrel and Ghostess, whichever route is more comfortable. The idea is to make Lenora regret saying/asking these things passive aggressively.

      Reply ↓
    4. br_612*

      November 2016 to December 2017 was the absolute WORST year of my life. We’re talking multiple deaths (including my dad, which was rough for multiple reasons), multiple cancer diagnoses, multiple phone calls about my BFF almost dying while I was out of town at a wedding/conference (she’s fine! Just wanted to terrify me I guess). And that’s not counting my absolutely INSANE coworker (she DUG THROUGH THE BROKEN GLASS CONTAINER and pulled out something I had put in there, put it back on my bench, and left a note telling me to get my own broken glass container. Who does that?).

      If I had a Lenora in my life at the time I don’t think I could’ve helped a trauma dump. I was barely holding on.

      Of course the thing is, Lenora would probably be offended or even cry in response and then suddenly it’s on the person with real stuff going on to comfort her.

      Reply ↓
      1. AngryOctopus*

        I know this isn’t the point but I’d just keep putting the broken glass back in that container. She’s the one that’s going to snap and make an unreasonable complaint.

        Reply ↓
        1. I'm just here for the cats!!*

          yeah especially if it was something work related. Like You don’t own the glass container. There is broken glass, at work, therefore it goes into the broken glass container! Its not like br_612 was bringing garbage from home and throwing it away at work.

          Reply ↓
        2. JustaTech*

          I’m just baffled that someone would be mad about that. Like, every lab I’ve worked in has had one or maybe two broken glass bins that are shared.
          At least it’s not digging through the sharps?
          Good gravy people are weird.

          Reply ↓
          1. Hlao-roo*

            Do you remember the “I’m in trouble for re-sorting a coworker’s trash — and I’m enraged” letter from 2019? Also baffling, but apparently there are multiple people in the world with very strong feelings about trash/compost/broken glass bins.

            Reply ↓
          2. Selina Luna*

            I work in a school, so the “broken glass container” and the “sharps container” are the same container. Insulin syringes, glass shards, and pointy wood splinters all go into the container collectively called “sharps.” Also, we have one. For the whole school. It usually lives in the nurse’s office because she uses it the most.

            Reply ↓
    8. Homer Jay Simpson*

      Another option: Say “Oh, didn’t you hear the bad news?” And then walk away.
      Given the state of the world right now, it could be *literally* any headline, and it would be very funny to watch the fallout. This is why I don’t have an advice column of my own.

      Reply ↓
    9. The Kulprit*

      I very much would at some point (an against my better judgment) tell her *exactly* why I’m not smiling. Or why I’m doing just fine. And promptly regret it, as she starts downplaying the whys or following up on them or both.

      Reply ↓
    10. Aggretsuko*

      Reminds me of the one time a guy told me to smile and I said, “There’s a dead squirrel over there.” He ignored me and kept on rambling.

      Reply ↓
    11. ReallyBadPerson*

      I like your thinking. I might be tempted to just shout: “F*cking Botox overdose! I hate them!” then walk around with a rigid facial expression all day.

      Reply ↓
      1. Pterodactyls are under-cited in the psychological literature*

        Ok you and Aggretsuko just made me snort, well done.

        Also thinking everyone can paste pictures of the Jokes with huge rictus grin on paper plates with a popsicle stick handle glued to it and just start holding those up in front of their faces pre-emptively whenever Lenora gets near.

        Reply ↓
    12. Rainy*

      I’ve done that and it’s actually kind of fabulous? I mean, you don’t feel fabulous at the time, you feel like someone just stepped on your heart, but later.

      A few weeks after my first husband died, I had dragged myself out to the grocery store and some random stranger told me to smile, it couldn’t be that bad. Like, don’t say that to someone whose spouse just died. I opened my mouth and just…everything came out. By the end I was crying, the guy who’d told me to smile was trying to melt through the floor, and everyone within earshot was glaring at him.

      Reply ↓
      1. Le Sigh*

        I’m sorry someone put you through that, but I hope he learned a lesson.

        Someone did something similar to me in a hospital cafeteria. I was on my fifth week at the ICU, I had no idea still if my loved one would be okay, and I was the point person for a lot of things. I went there to just decompress for a few minutes. And that’s when a dude just came up to me and told me I had to stay positive, etc., etc. I appreciate that he meant well enough, but ALL I had been doing for weeks was keep it together for other people. And it’s not like I was openly sobbing in the cafeteria, I was just trying to be some friggin coffee and get a little downtime to be sad! I don’t even remember how I responded, but it pisses me off to this day.

        Reply ↓
    13. Susannah*

      Once, decades ago, I was walking down the street, looking I guess pretty sad. I was having a bad run at work, some troubling (but ultimately OK) health situation. I was in a nice sundress, because I had gone to see my then-boyfriend, who broke up with me.
      So there I was, looking not so happy, I imagine. And a man walked by and said to me, “don’t you know pretty girls are supposed to smile?” I looked straight at him and said “f— off.”
      It was rude; I know. But you should have seen his face!

      Reply ↓
  2. Seashell*

    I’d be tempted to ask her if she remembers the episode of the Mary Tyler Moore show when Lou Grant says he hates spunk.

    Reply ↓
      1. Linda Lou*

        I had a coworker once who told a client that he needed to smile and then said “You know what happens when you don’t smile? You get taken out back to the Tickle Room!” She got reprimanded by management for that one.

        Reply ↓
        2. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

          My jaw is on the floor. That would be weird and/or inappropriate in almost any context but is especially mind-blowing in a workplace…with a client.

          Reply ↓
  3. I'm just here for the cats!!*

    I wonder what Lenora would do if someone responded to her that they are not healthy and then breaks down??? Until she’s confronted she wont stop

    Reply ↓
    1. pally*

      Really.

      I’d be so tempted to tell her that, the doc says I only have months to live. Weeks, if folks don’t get off my nerves asking me how I am.

      Reply ↓
      1. Ineffable Bastard*

        she likely thinks that “cancer happens to people who can’t let go of rancour” or other pseudoscientifical toxic positivity bs and would probably harass you :(

        Reply ↓
    2. n.m.*

      I can think of several periods in my life when comments like Lenora’s would have made me break down sobbing. Luckily never happened at my office.

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Me too. She should NOT have tried that on me a couple years ago unless she wanted a real earful/crying fit on her hands.

        Reply ↓
    3. KP*

      I imagine she won’t say or do anything helpful. It’s just toxic positivity with no compassion behind it. Like many people who do this, she is probably not interested in anyone’s actual problems.

      Reply ↓
    4. XF1013*

      I wonder what Lenora would do if someone responded to her that they are not healthy and then breaks down???

      Lenora would latch onto the “sick” person and decide that it’s her personal mission on Earth to make that person feel better at all costs. She would demand answers to invasive medical questions, give dubious and pushy medical advice, try to drive them to appointments, bring them baked goods and cards every day, tell everyone around the office how sick they are, demand that all co-workers drop everything to support them in various ways, et cetera. No amount of telling her that she’s not helping will convince her.

      I know a few Lenoras. If she’s this bad about someone merely frowning in the office, wait until she has someone who she believes REALLY needs her kind of “help.”

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        She sounds like some of the worst examples cited in Barbara Ehrenrich’s Bright Sided, who seem convinced that the only reason women get breast cancer is not being cheerful enough.

        Reply ↓
      2. Six for the truth over solace in lies*

        Yes. This (and other answers like “my dog just died” or “I’m deeply distressed by the situation in Sudan” or anything else intended to shock the person out of the behavior) will backfire. So will witty comebacks or attempted gotchas or serious conversation. She *wants* to engage and engagement will feed her.

        The only thing I’ve found to work is to bore her to death with neutral responses.

        Reply ↓
    5. Random Bystander*

      Yeah, it can be rather … unpleasant. And completely unnecessary unpleasantness.

      I remember one instance in which I had to work with someone who was from another department but there was some overlap in our jobs that we were trying to resolve a persistent problem. This was after we’d all started WFH, and even if we were still in the office, she would have been in a different city than me so we’d still have had to communicate by some method other than in person face-to-face. We had been discussing the issue via the IM client that was in use, and things were going fairly well except that she *insisted* that we needed to go to a voice call. I tried to say at least three times that I would rather not and that I thought we were getting things resolved just fine with IM. Finally, I gave up and she called me. I thought I could handle it … the issue was almost solved anyway, and I could hold it together for the call.

      The reason she wanted the voice call? So that she could do the “Yay! It’s Friday!” thing. Except that on the Monday of that week, I’d just been diagnosed with cancer, and it fell really flat. She was very apologetic, but I still was a sobbing mess where I had been able to hold myself reasonably close to together (I probably could not have done so if we were still in the office, but while WFH my plan was to continue working up to the day before surgery and then go out on leave so that I wouldn’t be idly stuck with my thoughts about having cancer).

      I’m now 3 years and 3 months post cancer and doing well (just had another follow up recently). But on that Friday, forced cheer was enough to undo me.

      Reply ↓
    6. Annony*

      Oof. This reminds me of when a coworker complimented my drastic weight loss and asked how I did it. I started crying and told them the doctors were still trying to figure it out.

      Reply ↓
      1. Paint N Drip*

        WHICH IS SO REAL. Lenora has no idea what people are dealing with! People commenting about bodies of others have no idea what people are dealing with! EVERYBODY JUST STFU
        I hope your medical team figured it all out and you’ve gotten your health back

        Reply ↓
      2. TeratomasAreWeird*

        Every time I’ve lost a significant amount of weight it was because someone close to me had died or a surgeon had removed a large abdominal tumor. Take your “compliment” and suggestion that I “keep it up” and shove them where the sun don’t shine.

        Reply ↓
      3. Starfox*

        oof yeah I was getting the “you look great, how’d you do it?” comments when we came back to work after lockdown right up until I looked a coworker dead in the eye & said “massive amounts of anxiety that make it impossible to eat for days at a time.”

        Reply ↓
    7. Aerin*

      Long covid is still wreaking havoc on my life and I have zero chill about it. I use a cane now for many reasons, but one of them is to make my invisible disability visible to ward off assumptions like that. It’s also very useful when someone pulls some ableist bullshit to plant the cane directly in front of me, lean on it pointedly, and say “Wanna try that one again?”

      Reply ↓
    2. lost academic*

      It probably works a lot better and easier because he’s a man. The pushy “smile!” attitude is predominately targeted by women, and not just by men.

      Reply ↓
    3. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      “this is just my face” is the best one i’ve yet to need to use. I have used “this is just my voice” to a customer who was complaining about my too high voice. Sorry. You can hang up and try and get someone else, but I’m not transferring you to my supervisor, or anyone, just because you don’t like the way I speak.

      Reply ↓
        1. Overit*

          I had a boss complain about my lack of a smile when she saw me…in a mirror when I was walking ALONE down a hall.
          Will never forget that.

          Reply ↓
    2. Aerin*

      I’m actually quite a cheery person normally, but someone like this would trigger my magical girl transformation into Daria.

      Reply ↓
  6. VP of Monitoring Employees' LinkedIn Profiles*

    Lenora: How are you today?

    You: I’m fine, thanks for asking.

    Lenora: Just fine?! Surely you’re WONDERFUL, right?

    You: I would be, but there’s this one coworker who keeps trying to enforce mandatory perkiness and govern everyone’s emotions. It’s very draining.

    Reply ↓
  7. samwise*

    I remember this one from before and it makes me so g.d angry

    NO, LENORA, we are NOT all healthy and life is NOT all wonderful and this would be a better job if you weren’t so obnoxious, so maybe leave me alone and don’t ever tell me to be more f’n happy.

    Reply ↓
    1. ferrina*

      The juxtaposition between this letter and the previous post is poignant. Allison demonstrating exactly why you never tell someone to “smile and be more happy” at work.

      Reply ↓
    2. JustaTech*

      I really wonder how Lenora took the early COVID period. Like, did she turn the chipper up to 11 or did she completely melt down?

      Reply ↓
  8. Sheworkshardforthemoney*

    2019 vs 2024 I really wonder how Lenora is doing these past few years. I’m pretty sure that not many peope at the height of the pandemic with a world wide shutdown/massive job losses/deaths and hospitalizations wanted to be told to smile and that it’s a beautiful day. Hopefully she learned to read the room.

    Reply ↓
    1. GERDQueen*

      Yeah, I’m not big on “silver linings,” but the upheaval got a lot of folks thinking and talking about what social scripts aren’t as neutral as they seem. “Get well soon!” is a lovely sentiment, but doesn’t land for people who have Long COVID. There are similar cheery stock phrases that can cut, even when they are meant to spread goodwill.

      Reply ↓
    2. H.Regalis*

      I’m curious about that myself. Maybe she adjusted, maybe she didn’t, maybe she went along as she’d always been until somebody tore her a new one. I hope she at least stopped driving OP up a wall though.

      Reply ↓
    3. MigraineMonth*

      Or maybe she moved to leadership at the company which called on people in Zoom meetings
      to name something positive about Covid in 2021!

      Search AAM for: “how do I get out of my office’s toxic positivity meetings?”

      Reply ↓
    4. Irish Teacher.*

      I honestly suspect she may have escalated. I think there were a reasonable number of people talking during the lockdown about how we should “count our blessings” and how we should “reframe it” as “we are lucky to be able to isolate at home” rather than “we are stuck at home.” These people seemed blissfully unaware of the fact that people were actually dying and seemed to think it was just “a chance to step away from the rat-race.”

      I teach in a school that has a lot of students from very deprived backgrounds and not only saw posts in general, but even had one colleague posting them about how “our children won’t be ‘behind’ because of the lockdown; they’ll actually be ahead because they’ll have had time to play and spend time with mum and dad instead of being rushed from school to afterschool activity and sure, they can always catch up academically when the schools go back.”

      Given that we had students attending zoom classes with preschool aged siblings on their laps because their parents were essential workers and no childcare was available and kids living on halting sites that were experiencing outbreaks of covid and you know…not all kids experience “time with mum and dad” as a good thing, it was…pretty tone-deaf.

      But I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Lenora was one of those people. (Unless, of course, she or somebody she loved was at high-risk. Then it would likely be a different tune.)

      Reply ↓
  9. Grumpy old lady who is WONDERFUL!*

    You should all “fight” fire with fire. When she asks “how are you doing?” everyone reply something along the lines of “I AM FABULOUS! LIFE IS SO AWESOME! THANK YOU FOR ASKING!!!”
    Maybe if everyone does that she will get the hint or at least lose the opportunity to be the bearing of sunshine and flowers.

    Reply ↓
    1. Ashley*

      Start singing the song from the Lego Movie “Everything is Awesome”, bonus points for playing it on a loop on your desk speakers so she can hear it all day every day.

      Reply ↓
      2. KaciHall*

        it doesn’t need to play on loop, but a button that plays the entire song when pressed would be (literally) awesome. especially if it was loud enough that she couldn’t talk OVER it for any follow up questions.

        Reply ↓
  10. Sara*

    I had a boss like this once. I eventually had to be super, super direct with him about it and tell him that I felt like I had to put on a show for him, and that was itself making me unhappy. That may be a step to take if the responses in the moment don’t help, trying to get serious with the person and seeing if she’ll at all reflect on what she’s doing.

    Reply ↓
    1. NonprofitNerd*

      Same! I had a boss that would always ask me what was wrong when I just had a neutral expression or was focusing on something. Nevermind that she was one of the most toxic people I’d ever encountered, but she would always say that she hired me because I’m young and have lots of energy – I would always replace “energy” with “enthusiasm” (because I did have enthusiasm for the work and the org) because I have a chronic illness with a #1 symptom of fatigue!!! (and I had told her this, multiple times)

      Reply ↓
    1. Not on board*

      OMG. I can just picture it….. make yourself seem like a serial killer smiling and she’ll definitely go away. I wish there was an update on this one.

      Reply ↓
    2. Juicebox Hero*

      I’ve done that to a person who liked to annoy me by telling me to smile, so I’d give him the slowest, creepiest, most psycho smile I could manage.

      Reply ↓
      1. JustaTech*

        I have a friend (woman in engineering) who perfected the “I will rip out your liver with my bare hands” smile all the way back in college as a way to deal with sexist peers.

        It is completely terrifying.

        Reply ↓
    3. MigraineMonth*

      If you feel like creepy serial-killer isn’t the right message for work, you can always go for chimpanzee smile: just peel back your lips to show all your front teeth. It probably meets the definition of a smile while being nothing like one.

      Reply ↓
      1. Overthinking it*

        Yep, that one works, and it’s less hostile. You want to put a stop to this infuriating behavior, but you want to do it in a medium-kind, least hurtful way – because she isn’t nasty, just annoying.

        Reply ↓
  12. Disco Janet*

    As someone with resting B**** face, I would lose it on Lenora. I just don’t have a naturally smiley face and I would get really tired really fast of having to be reminded to fake it. You don’t like that I’m not smiling? Don’t look at my face.

    Reply ↓
  13. GenX, PhD, Enters the Chat*

    This is where it’s helpful to have grown up with the deadpan Darias and Lydias and Heathers (shout out to Winona Ryder’s superb RBF). “This is just my face. Do you have a problem with my face?” I do appreciate the crazy-eyes maniacal grin approach though.

    Reply ↓
    1. Paint N Drip*

      Daria taught me everything I could hope to know about cultivating ‘leave me alone’ energy, thank god – I have the face that says ‘hey stranger, come talk to me!’ but I do not want to talk to anyone at all

      Reply ↓
  14. Strive to Excel*

    The really petty part of me would be tempted to wallpaper her cubicle with printouts of that trial that upheld a guy’s right to not have fun at work. I don’t think that’s good advice. But I’d be tempted.

    Reply ↓
  15. Fiachra*

    This is not someone who wants you to be happy all the time, she wants you to ACT happy all the time.

    Anyway, remember the letter about the coworker who responds to all problems with “at least you don’t have cancer or an eating disorder”? I think we should stick these two in a closed office together and watch the fireworks.

    Reply ↓
  16. SD95*

    This is toxic positivity. I would ask if she’s seen the movie Inside Out. It can’t be joy all the time. Each emotion is necessary.

    Reply ↓
    1. juliebulie*

      I remember this letter and I’m pretty sure someone recommended Inside Out. That’s where I found out about the movie, and I absolutely loved it. Joy was quite overbearing!

      Reply ↓
  17. Lemon Bars*

    “Surely you’re WONDERFUL, right?!?!”

    “You know what! I AM!” stands up and starts to cheer, complete with arm letters:

    “T! O! X! I! C! Toxic Positivity! T! O! X! I! C! Toxic Positivity!”

    End with a high kick and a shake of your pompoms.

    Reply ↓
  18. DramaQ*

    Is Lenora related to my manager?

    At least Lenora cannot write in your review that you are “too negative” because she does not see you smiling every day and that it “makes people uncomfortable”.

    She can’t drag you into a 20 minute meeting where she grills you about “why are you so unhappy, we need you to smile more” like she did one of my coworkers.

    I loathe the toxic positivity but when it’s your manager it’s a lot harder to combat especially since any response other than smiling is more evidence you are a “negative” person and she needs to try harder.

    I should be able to have a normal face. I should be able to have a serious/I’m concentrating face. The idea that I constantly have to smile to me is creepy. Even when I did customer service I wasn’t reprimanded for not having a literal smile on my face at all times as long as I was professional, polite and reasonably friendly. To be expected to have a 24/7 smile in a lab environment is just bizarre to me.

    I’ve joked I am going to get myself injected with so much Botox I look like Joan Rivers and act surprised when people comment “What? You said I needed to smile more!”

    Reply ↓
    1. MigraineMonth*

      UGH. Can you go over your manager’s head? This is a serious mismanagement issue, and it could easily create liability for the company if she’s targeting someone with depression or anxiety, or if she targets women more than men (quite common), of if she targets black employees more than white employees (also common).

      I’m so sorry you have to deal with this!

      Reply ↓
  19. pally*

    Let me preface this by saying: don’t do this to a co-worker.

    Back when we were teenagers, I would ask my sister how her day went. Apparently, she didn’t like this. But didn’t tell me this directly.

    One day, she got right up in my face, almost nose to nose, and screamed, “FINE!”.

    I never again inquired how her day went or anything else along those lines.

    I’d like to try this on the Lenora types in my life. But I won’t. Way too mean.

    Reply ↓
  20. Miss Muffet*

    I think I’d be using Alison’s scripts with a face that looked a bit confused, as if to say, it is so weird that you’re asking this.

    Reply ↓
    2. Irish Teacher.*

      I wouldn’t actually do it because I’d probably be too irritated to pull it off, but I’d love to do, “I’m…not moping/” “I’m…not frowning” in this confused, “what on earth are you talking about?” tone. A tone that implies “why are you telling me to cheer up when I’ve already made it clear I am cheerful. Very odd.”

      Reply ↓
  21. TW*

    All these screaming revenge fantasies about how to respond instead of just simply stating your needs and asking her to stop….another great answer from Alison.

    Reply ↓
    1. Observer*

      You are right. But I really understand people.

      It should not be necessary to tell a functional adult past the 20 or so that this kind of behavior is out of line. I mean, even someone younger should have more sense, but some people can’t grasp anything that no one has told them *explicitly* and they have not experienced themself. But how many people have reached the mid- 20’s without having been exposed to ANYTHING that could make someone feel really bad even though they *look* healthy and have a pretty good job. And by that point they should also be aware that sometime you actually need to concentrate which is not a smiley activity at all.

      So, in a way it feels like a lost cause. Of course, that *still* what you should try. But the fantasies make a LOT of sense, as long as they stay in the realm of fantasy.

      Reply ↓
  22. Lola*

    I had a boss like this – it was exhausting. I am not an outwardly expressive person in general. I *feel* things just as deeply as anyone else but by nature keep a pretty even-keeled demeanor on the outside. My boss was constantly scanning my face looking for a more outwardly positive reaction or even a hint of a negative reaction. It’s work – to be honest, most of my reactions are neutral. I learned to fake it to avoid her interrogation.

    During the height of COVID lockdown, we’d get on our Monday mornning zoom calls and she’d yell “Goooood morning!!! What did you do for fun this weeend?!?” Um, sat in my apartment because everyone is isolating and businesses are closed? It was so tone deaf to what people were going through at that time.

    Reply ↓
  23. H.Regalis*

    Lenora: How are you today?
    Me: Oh I’m just fine, thanks for asking.
    Lenora: Just fine?! Surely you’re WONDERFUL, right? After all, we’re here and healthy and we have good jobs, so what is there to mope about?

    It would take a lot of restraint for me not to hiss like a cat back at her. Good god, that is obnoxious.

    Reply ↓
  24. Overthinking it*

    When she asks you to smile: “Hey, Sweet Lenora! (cheerfully) I like to think we are a cheerful, easy-going bunch here – pretty positive. And I think we all know that, even if we are not actively smiling. It gets TIRING to smile all the time! And it gets TIRESOME to continually be being told to smile. . . (sheepishly or wryly) Just saying!

    If that starts a discussion, go with it! If it doesn’t, you’ve put her on notice how you feel. And if she starts to sulk (or cry) say: “Don’t get hurt, let’s talk about this.” (In the discussion, you can mention that you’ve let this go a long time, and that she says this a lot, and that it’s just not a positive way to relate to people that you need to be able to trust to be sincere. And can she just trust that, things are OK, even if you aren’t being ruthlessly cheerful. And can she just trust that even if things are occasionally not OK. . .that’s a normal thing too.)

    Reply ↓
  25. Overthinking it*

    Or, you could grimace back at her – obviously fake smile with gritted teeth and bugged eyes – and say “Like this?” Do that every time and I guarantee she will eventually quite asking.

    Reply ↓
  26. seraphina*

    I wonder if Lenora is related to this person I work with who has in huge letters in her back window “2 BLESSED 2B STRESSED”

    Reply ↓
  27. Tau*

    However, there’s a part of this that could fall outside of “interpersonal quirk for you to deal with on your own” — the part about how she tells everyone they did great on projects that your clients want redone. Depending on exactly how that plays out, it’s possible she’s actually undermining your office’s work and the likelihood of people improving.

    Just wanted to highlight this bit to point it out. I come from a very different cultural context from most commenters, one where a coworker behaving like Lenora would go over like a lead weight, but I’ve still seen major problems caused by higher-ups wanting to look on the bright side! and frame things positively!

    In my case, my company faced some major difficulties, and when communicating about these C-Level had a tendency to spin them in the most positive possible way. Think answering a question about “so what happens if we don’t win X contract?” with “I am super confident we’ll win X contract! Here are all the reasons why the client would be stupid not to go with us!” I managed to read between the lines and translate this into “if we do not win X contract, it is very bad news for us”, but not everyone did; some people were *genuinely surprised* when layoffs happened. It was absurd, because we’d been having regular management updates aimed at being transparent about what was happening with the company for nine months which to my mind had been pretty clearly spelling out that layoffs were likely to be unavoidable for six and exactly who was going to be affected for three. But the spelling out had always been done with this positive twist, the missing consequences coupled with the “but we’re SURE we’re going to turn this boat around this time!” forced positivity, and as a result some people were blindsided. This failure of communication should never, ever have happened, and I think a lot less of my C-Level for it.

    A lot of people are talking about how frustrating this would be to deal with day-to-day, and yeah, I can’t imagine. But I did want to highlight the fact that casting things in a positive light all the time can cause real and *very damaging* work problems as very important messages get lost in all the softening and viewing things from the most positive angle possible. Sometimes you really genuinely need someone to just say straight out “this is a problem, and if we don’t fix it the consequences are going to be bad”. It’s absolutely worth a look to see if Lenore’s inability to do that is causing issues.

    Reply ↓
  28. PintO'Luna*

    When I’m told to smile or that I look sad I like “That’s just what my face looks like, but thanks that’s super flattering” or “I was feeling just fine, but now I’m self-conscious”. At least that’s what I like to say when I replay these scenarios in my head while I’m in the shower.

    Reply ↓
  29. Jessica*

    This coworker would make me want to scream, and I enjoyed many of the fantasy responses, but I think the most effective thing to actually do would be SOLIDARITY. Get the rest of the office (or at least as many as you suspect are annoyed) together, agree on a set of scripts and techniques, and put them into practice. Then when Leonora bounces into a meeting and carols, “Why isn’t everyone SMILING?!?” eleven grey rocks will say, “Please stop policing my emotions.”

    Reply ↓
    1. I Have RBF*

      Seriously.

      I would have to walk away before I said something career limiting and mean.

      The kindest response I would have is “You can be replace with a button marked ‘Out of order’.”

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  32. Cardboard Marmalade*

    What makes the situation worse to me is that I’m sure Lenora thinks of herself as the office’s only source of joy and motivation and I suspect nothing will convince her that anyone who thinks differently isn’t just a big ole grump. If it were me, I would do my best not to engage with her weird behavior at all, but just let a beat of silence fall and then say, “Anyway, I’m gonna go get some more coffee/check on a print job/talk to John about something,” and slip away from her. She may not consciously be picking a fight, but her behavior is aggressive and I feel like really the only way to de-escalate the situation is to just grey rock the heck out of it.

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  33. sometimeswhy*

    We didn’t have a Lenora. We had a Leonard. And all the gender-based implications of Creepmeister L telling the handful of women he worked with that we should smile and it was a beautiful day and all the nonsense Lenora spouts here. Every single time, i deadpanned, “It’s not my job to look pretty for you.” He eventually stopped after I invited him to discuss it with HR.

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  34. Clearance Issues*

    “If every day is wonderful and fabulous, you don’t get to appreciate the truly fantastic ones that come along. ‘Fine’ or ‘Good’ are acceptable answers for average days.”

    Reply ↓
  36. Plain Jane*

    I have some nerve damage to my face and at various times it is nearly impossible for me to “smile” correctly. It can also be really painful. Even now when someone tells me to smile, I like to respond with “oh, I have nerve damage, this is how my face looks.”

    Reply ↓
  37. I Have RBF*

    I have to admit, if I had to deal with Lenore I would get waaaay past BEC with her really, really quickly.

    Why? Let me count the ways:
    * I have RBF. If I’m concentrating, people think I’m mad. I’m not, I’m just concentrating, FFS
    * I absolutely loathe people who tell me (command me) to “smile”. I’m not their trick pony, FFS. Get out of my face.
    * I get pretty angry when other people try to command or force my emotions. It’s not their business, and it’s a hell of an overreach. It’s nasty, controlling and emotionally abusive.
    * My wife is in hospice for cancer. We don’t know how long she has. I’m reserving my smiles and happiness for her, not work.
    * I hate toxic positivity, because it’s used to paper over real issues. Do. Not. Want.

    I am the type of person to, when she pulls her shit, to specifically call her out on her abuse, because that’s what it is – emotional abuse.

    Since that is probably a career limiting move, I’d start circulating my resume.

    I: “Why are you looking to leave your job?”
    A: “A coworker constantly goes around commanding people to ‘smile’ and ‘be happy’. Management will do nothing about the overreach. It makes me very uncomfortable.”

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  38. Jenni*

    I had a student who would hiss at people and make sort of a snake motion to them. It was very odd and scared some adults. She was just weird, not dangerous. Anyway, that’s what Lenora deserves. I hope she is hissed at by random goth teens whenever she goes out in public.

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  39. restingbutchface*

    If it hadn’t gone on for so long, I’d have used my old faithful response – bursting out laughing and saying “oh my god, imagine if you actually said that to someone at work! Oh my gosh, that’s hilarious, you’re just too much”.

    If they repeat it, beg them to stop. “I get it, I get it, it’s funny because it’s so inappropriate but please, I can’t stop laughing!”.

    Treating nasty jokes as if they are serious and treating serious statements as jokes had got me far in life.

    Reply ↓
  40. Aphrodite*

    Oh yeah, another Pollyanna on Steroids. God, I loathe them. They are among the most unfeeling, uncaring, nastiest people in the workplace, having no room for anyone else to be themselves. We’ve got one, a really rotten person to some of us who is beloved by her manager.

    Reply ↓

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