my coworker is upset that I didn’t tell her I’m pregnant

by Alison Green on September 17, 2024

A reader writes:

I am just a few weeks pregnant (and not showing at all). I have only told the few people at work who need to know, as I’ve had a rocky first trimester and needed some time to deal with pretty terrible morning sickness. The people who know are as follows: my boss, HR, my friend who shares my office with me and has seen me rush out of the room to go throw up, and another colleague who is a close family friend.

Two weeks ago, the office busybody, Roberta, bustled into my office demanding, “Why didn’t you TELL me?” over and over again, complete with wiggling her eyebrows knowingly. I played dumb and asked, “Tell you what, exactly?” until she finally said, “That you’re pregnant!” I said that I wasn’t really telling people yet, and I was confused as to who told her. She insisted it was fine to tell her, and I kept insisting that I wasn’t telling people yet and that I would like to know why she knows. We went around like this for a bit until she said congratulations and left in a bit of a huff.

I found out later that she knows because the person at the front desk overheard someone else talking about it and decided to bring it up when she and Roberta were talking about stocking the bathroom with menstruation pads and she joked that I “clearly wouldn’t be needing them.” (A whole other level of weird, in my opinion!)

It’s been a few weeks now and Roberta will not look at me or talk to me about anything, work-related or otherwise. I think she’s offended that she wasn’t told I was pregnant, but … am I right in thinking that’s my private medical information? I wasn’t even past the first trimester yet, and I know people generally hold off on announcing it until then.

I’m wondering how to navigate this situation, and if I need to talk with her directly about her (or my?) behavior? Could I have done something differently?

If this impacts the situation at all, she’s older than I am (baby boomer to my millennial), and she’s overly gossipy and tends to heavily comment on other’s bodies and appearances in a way I find uncomfortable. Thus, I have a polite but distant relationship with her — more of a distant acquaintance than a close work friend. I didn’t want to tell her I was pregnant at all — and certainly not this early! — given these issues. I also don’t really want to focus on my pregnancy at work, but on my work, which I think is fairly reasonable.

You are not wrong in any way. Roberta was out of line in laying claim to your news in the first place, and even more out of line in acting offended around you now.

It’s reasonable and normal not to share pregnancy news at work (or anywhere) until you’re ready to — whether that means past your first trimester or something else. Colleagues aren’t entitled to know about your pregnancy until things are at the point where you need to discuss plans for your leave. The first trimester is not that point.

My guess is that Roberta’s side of this would sound something like, “I heard she was pregnant and was excited and wanted to congratulate her, but she wouldn’t accept my good wishes and just demanded to know how I knew.” She probably did genuinely feel hurt by that; the most generous reading is that she thought she was going to have a warm moment of connection with you and got rebuffed. But that doesn’t make her in the right; she’s still 100% in the wrong, both for violating your privacy and demanding you share personal info with her, and for getting affronted when you tried to maintain a reasonable boundary. If she feels embarrassed or hurt, that’s something she needs to deal with privately. Instead she’s making it into your problem by acting as if you offended her.

As for what to do, you have a few options.

First, how much does it affect your work that she won’t speak to you? If there’s no real impact on your work, you could choose to ignore what she’s doing and figure it’s her problem, not yours.

But if it’s affecting your work, ignoring it isn’t an option. In that case, you could talk to her directly, approaching it as, “It seems like you haven’t been talking to me since you asked if I was pregnant, and I do need you to talk to me about things like XYZ so I can get my work done.”

Alternately, you could loop in your boss, because a colleague refusing to discuss work with you is Not Okay. Ideally you’d attempt to talk to Roberta directly first — both because that might solve it and because if it doesn’t, it’ll be useful to tell your boss you’ve tried. But if she keeps freezing you out, it’s a work issue that your boss needs to know about. (Also, based on how Roberta is handling this, I’m betting you’re not the only colleague she has trouble working with.)

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{ 234 comments }

{ 234 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

    You know what? Busybodies never write in for advice, because they don’t realize that they are a problem, and won’t believe it if they are called out on it bluntly. I really wish there was a way to pound some enlightenment into their heads and get them to think twice before they run over people.

    OP, I doubt there’s anything you can do directly with Roberta. And you shouldn’t have to worry about managing her emotions about a personal thing that doesn’t involve her. So yeah, the first time this affects your work, I don’t think you have any choice but to escalate this.

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    2. foofoo*

      there’s been a few that write in but their entire attitude is “someone told me I was being a busybody, this is all I did, I need you to validate that I *wasn’t* being a busybody so I can inform those boundary-holders that they’re wrong”.

      They almost always get told, in no uncertain terms, that they’re the problem.

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    3. Naomi*

      Now and then they do. There was a recent Captain Awkward letter where the Captain had to talk the LW out of inviting the neighbors over for tea and unsolicited marriage counseling.

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        1. SweetestCin*

          Spoiler, it did NOT improve from there, cringe wise.

          Purple tap dancing eff. That’s what I was wondering. As in “why in the….” “…..would you think that that might be a good idea?”

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      3. Sociology Rocks!*

        Reading that one I was amazed someone had the desire to be such a busy body & the wherewithal to decide to check themselves

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      5. Resume please*

        Hoo boy, I just skipped over there to read it. YIKES.

        People need to respect boundaries. Preaching to the choir, but “Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?” should never, ever be uttered by one coworker to another. You know what Roberta should have done? Nothing. She should have said nothing. Then when LW announced it, she should have said “Congratulations” like a rational person

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        1. Zelda*

          I mean, there are really only about three possible answers to “Why didn’t you tell me ____?” 1) I really don’t want to talk about it; 2) It’s none of your business; and 3) Because I knew you would be a &2!@* about it. It should maybe go on the same list as the word “just,” where, if you are about to utter a sentence that includes one of those, probably don’t.

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        2. Arrietty*

          I feel like the only people who ever have grounds to say “why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?” are either the person who made you pregnant (depending on circumstances), and a person who has to make safety decisions like who should go to a Zika hotspot or operate the X Ray machine or something.

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          1. Bananananana*

            I’m in healthcare and our x ray techs always ask “is there a chance of pregnancy?” And they’re the only ones that hear your answer. You don’t even need to say I’m pregnant just a yes there’s a chance. It’s nice.

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            1. Elitist Semicolon*

              Incidentally, this is sort of how my sister discovered she was pregnant. The dental tech asked her if there was any chance, she said, “huh, maybe?”, the dental tech declined to do X-rays, and when my sister got home, she took an OTC test and BOOM.

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              1. Jojo*

                This happened to me as well. I declined the x-ray, but after the cleaning the hygienist told me that my gums were bleeding and that’s often a sign of pregnancy. Picked up the test on the way home, and sure enough. So yes, a dental hygienist told me I was pregnant.

                LW congrats on your pregnancy. Sorry you are dealing with an invasive busybody. Unfortunately, you will likely encounter more of this through out pregnancy. You might want to prepare your response in case someone touches your belly.

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                1. Bruce*

                  Jojo: today I learned, as the saying goes. Happily old enough that I don’t expect to ever be affected by that question directly, but may yet have grand-kids someday…

      6. Bitte Meddler*

        Oh, wow. $100 says that if the OP of that letter has adult children, they have all moved several states / provinces / countries away from OP.

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        1. Digital Hubbub*

          Honestly, I would get out and PUSH actual continental plates in order to get away from people like Roberta…
          I know they are a minor annoyance in the grand scheme of things but that particular variety of entitled interference is my personal nemesis.

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          1. Hannah Lee*

            “Honestly, I would get out and PUSH actual continental plates in order to get away from people like Roberta…”

            I love this!

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        1. Happily Retired*

          “Do not do it over tea, do not do it by the sea, do not do it over Zoom, do not do it in a room.” ahahahahahaha

          It’s easily Googleable, but it’s post #1439 in Captain Awkward if that helps.

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      8. Need To Know*

        I was thinking that if she had written that she wanted to invite just the wife over it could have turned into “Notes on a Scandal”.

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    5. rebelwithmouseyhair*

      There are lots of busy bodies who write in, all those who are upset that others come in late or spend time on personal calls. There was one just the other day.

      Reply ↓
  2. The Not-An-Underpants Gnome*

    I want to know why the front desk person thought it was OK to comment on it too. That’s definitely a weird joke to make if you’re not explicitly friends with the person…and even then it depends on the kind of friendship.

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    1. Ultimate Facepalm*

      “the person at the front desk overheard someone else talking about it” – time to have a chat with Roberta and the front desk person about not spreading around private information. Also find out who was talking about it in front of the receptionist because it was thoughtless of that person to let others hear. What did they possibly need to say to someone about you being pregnant?

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      2. Not Tom, Just Petty*

        But how could she keep up her ovulation calendar for the female employees without this critical information? How does who is and is not using menstrual products office conversation? A general, “we do/don’t need to order more,” ought to cover it.

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        1. The Not-An-Underpants Gnome*

          And not for the first time today, I have choked on my coffee reading something. Sarcasm isn’t always palpable via text, but this time it was and it was GLORIOUS.

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        2. Katherine*

          Literally had to say this to a coworker once. She was mildly irritated that her daughter(s) wouldnt use a menstrual tracker as she used that to know when to buy supplies. Why not just buy more when the supply runs low??

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          1. Sharpie*

            I buy more when I notice I’m running low. Noticing you’re out when you need something Right Now is one hundred percent not good. (And it’s for this reason I always have something in my bag when I’m out, too )

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          2. Dog momma*

            Never heard of this..I’m old lol. I agree, buy more when you’re about to run out. Another useless product ( tracker) that somebody THINKS we need & is making $$$ off of.

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            1. Broadway Duchess*

              This is def YMMV. I am not “a youth” and have always been advised to track my cycle, which I’ve been doing since I was 11. Digital trackers are relatively new and are usually free, however, a calendar takes no time and is a good way to spot potential issues.

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            2. Dancing Otter*

              Not useless, dangerous in many states. If I were still of child-bearing age, I would be extremely reluctant to put any information about my fertility online.

              There are attempts in some states to restrict out-of-state travel for women who MIGHT conceivably be pregnant and MIGHT need medical care illegal in their home state.

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              2. pagooey*

                I am also horrified, and furious, at the implications of the gummint tracking our trackers. But on the other hand, I am deep in the erratic throes of perimenopause, and am using a tracker BECAUSE of it. Fingers crossed, my absolutely bonkers data will help wreck the curve for any aspiring Gileads.

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          3. Jaid*

            Given how intrusive some states are into women’s reproductive health, I wouldn’t want a tracker that can be introduced into court somehow as proof that a fetus was “this” old and therefore the woman had an illegal abortion.

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      3. samwise*

        Well, one of the four people she told is the one who let the info out. I’d be extremely disappointed if one of the coworkers blabbed and that would be a rapidly cooling friendship for sure. If it was HR or the boss, that would make me hot and is a whole other level of problem.

        It’s one (bad) thing is coworkers are gossiping, it’s waaaay worse if it’s the boss or HR.

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        1. Silver Robin*

          That is not entirely fair; the receptionist could very well have heard two of the people in the know (say, Office Mate and Boss, or boss and HR) talking about it. And not even in a gossiping way. For example, Boss checking in with OM “OP let you know about the pregnancy, right? Yeah, it sucks for OP that the morning sickness so bad.” or something innocuous on the way into work or something like that.

          Could it be argued that they should be more discreet and not discuss it in public? Sure. But a big part of the receptionist’s job is also discretion and she should have pretended she did not hear anything.

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            1. Silver Robin*

              Because OP might have told Boss that OM knows and this is just a confirmation? It is not out of the realm of possibility that OP said something like “I have only told you, OM, and HR, but I do not want anyone else to know.”

              Also, this a hypothetical of a plausible non-gossip situation. There are other options. And it is weird to me that people are jumping to point fingers at one of OPs confidants, when it is so likely that the information was accidentally passed on to the receptionist and OP did not request advice about the people told, only about the people doing actually weird gossipy things.

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          2. Just Another Cog*

            I question why anyone was having this conversation in the open where the receptionist heard it. If it’s private information, it should be discussed in private. Sorry this happened to you OP. Roberta needs to mind her own business.

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            1. Elizabeth the Ginger*

              Yes. I got to know about a coworker’s pregnancy before she was ready to tell the rest of the office, and I did not breathe a PEEP to anyone about it unless I had heard *from the pregnant coworker herself* that she had told someone specific. (And then the conversation was pretty much “Lucinda told me you know she’s pregnant! Eeeeeee I’m so excited for her!” …because nothing else is my business.)

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      4. Bern Notice*

        That’s what I was thinking! I’d still want to find out who spread my private medical information around the office. If the front desk person overheard someone else talking about it, then one of the 4 people that OP told couldn’t keep their mouth shut. You would HOPE it wasn’t her boss or HR, so I’d be asking my office mate and family friend why they decided to spread my private news around the office. And let them know how hurt I was by that!

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        1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

          It could have been two of the people the LW told, discussing it with each other. Like the boss and HR, for work-related reasons. But this is a “less worse” scenario. As in it’s bad to be discussing private medical information in a place where other people can easily overhear. It’s extra bad if it involves sharing that information with someone who doesn’t need to know. It’s less worse if it’s discussing it with someone who already knows. Not OK, not good, just less worse.

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      5. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

        Exactly this. At least one person who was trusted with private medical information discussed it in a place where others could overhear. That’s a Problem. Maybe there needs to be a refresher for some folks about how they need to take special care with that type of information.

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      6. Ellie*

        Yeah… that jumped out at me too. OP should go back and figure out who, at work, she has told, and whether the front desk person actually overheard someone or if they read it on a piece of official documentation or something. That really smells off.

        If the front desk person was actually told by someone else, that’s even worse. Much worse than telling Roberta about it since it was reasonable to assume it was open information at that point. Who was that someone else? Was it a thoughtless friend of OPs, or was it a manager?

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      1. pally*

        Yep! You were raised right.
        If the pregnancy wasn’t announced publicly, just dummy up until it is.
        Not the receptionist’s place to talk about it with anyone.

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        1. Velawciraptor*

          EXACTLY! I was in an office where the only other not-post-menopausal woman and I had synced up on our cycles and I had a pretty good sense she was expecting for months before she said anything. I was still vocally surprised and congratulatory when she told me, because that’s what you do, no matter what you think you know.

          (Turns out she’d guessed that I’d guessed, but I wasn’t going to steal that announcement moment from her if you’d paid me.)

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            1. Freya*

              I can tell for one of my friends, because she craves iron-rich foods. Even when her back isn’t visibly aching and she isn’t rugged up in several more layers than normal, it’s still the one week in four when she orders steak instead of pizza.

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        2. Jam on Toast*

          Unless I am called upon to dial 911 while a baby is actually exiting a labouring person’s body, I operate under the universal assumption that the state/occupancy/health of my co-workers’ reproductive organs is absolutely irrelevant to our working relationship.

          Reply ↓
      1. The Not-An-Underpants Gnome*

        This is true. And this might just be a Me Thing, but even if it WAS something that was public knowledge, someone outside my group of friends making that joke would make me wicked uncomfy. That’s a joke that definitely falls into the “inside” category.

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    4. Festively Dressed Earl*

      This. Roberta is a problem even without LW’s pregnancy news (no one’s called her out for the body and appearance comments yet, fr?), but it’s possibly a larger problem if the front desk staffer can’t be discreet about private information she encounters on the job.

      Reply ↓
    5. MsM*

      Yeah, it sounds like the office as a whole needs a reminder that other people’s medical issues are theirs to disclose, and if they haven’t disclosed them to you directly, it’s none of your business and not your information to share.

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      2. Dog momma*

        I’m sure the front desk hears all kinds of stuff that should be kept quiet. Usually imo, those people are or should be pretty discrete.

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    6. Elle*

      Yeah, I was thinking this too. So interesting how all of these people feel entitled to information about LW’s body. WEIRD to start with, but also pretty openly disrespectful of her as a person.

      Reply ↓
    7. Goldenrod*

      I suspect that the lame joke made by the front desk person was their “subtle” way of just blabbing the news to the person they knew would love it the most – the office gossip.

      By the way, it’s funny how the office gossips of the world are shocked, shocked when no one wants to share news with them. It never occurs to them that it’s their own blabby behavior that gets them kicked out of the loop!

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      1. ThatOtherClare*

        I agree. Hence why the joke was so weird. The point of the joke was never humour, so it didn’t need to be funny or relevant. It was only ever meant to be a limp cover for sharing ill-gotten gossip.

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        1. Ellie*

          I can see it being a real joke if there are very few women in the office. As in, ‘Don’t mind me, I’m just restocking these menstrual products. Do you know I’m refilling them every week now! And there’s only 3 of us that use this bathroom! Well, 2 now I guess since OP won’t be.’ It’s a bit awkward, but Roberta kind of sounds insufferable so maybe they didn’t know what else to talk about with her?

          To be honest, if OP really told 4 people then the information was kind of out at that point, it’s not really a secret anymore. Still doesn’t give Roberta the right to know about it though, or the right to hear the news personally from OP either. She’s still in the wrong.

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    8. Dust Bunny*

      Yeah, what was that? Not okay, Front Desk Person. If you weren’t told directly it’s not your news to share (and even if you were it’s probably not your news to share).

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    9. mango chiffon*

      I work in an administrative position and I see and hear things I’m not supposed to ALL THE TIME. A good admin knows not to share things like this, and that “joke” was also weird.

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      1. The Not-An-Underpants Gnome*

        Admins are the ones folk need to worry about burning bridges with when they leave, because lawd the level of stuff they hear on the regular when people think they aren’t listening…

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    10. TootsNYC*

      yeah, I want to know how they overheard it, number one.

      And number two, I want to know why they didn’t understand that they’re not supposed to gossip about stuff they have overheard because they sit at the front desk. That’s a position that’s supposed to be trustworthy.

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  3. Crystal Claire*

    OP, if you have a reasonable boss and HR, they will be able to help you. Also give yourself permission to shut down cruel comments from Roberta.

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    1. Sheworkshardforthemoney*

      Roberta is currently not speaking to the OP. Hopefully she can keep that going for the rest of the pregnancy.

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      1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

        Yup. As long as this isn’t messing up the LW’s work, Roberta is giving her a gift by leaving her alone.

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        1. sometimeswhy*

          One of the best work things that ever happened to me was when my most unreasonable colleague decided we would only ever communicate by email and that would only be about the exact work product where our duties intersected. We haven’t had a fight in YEARS.

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          1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

            Heck yeah! These folks bank on the silent treatment making the other person uncomfortable enough to cave in to their demands. And it often works because lots of people have a very difficult time with the thought of someone else not liking them. So they’ll “compromise” to repair the relationship. Letting go of the need to be liked is a great way to return the awkward to sender (thanks, Captain Awkward!). Just be a basic amount of nice to her, and scrupulously professional. The rest is on her.

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      2. Juicebox Hero*

        As long as Roberta not talking to her doesn’t affect LW’s ability to do her job, Roberta’s silence is the best gift anyone could give her. As women we’re expected to smooth awkward situations over and make nice with everyone, but… eff that and the Roberta’s of the world.

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  4. Yikes*

    OP, I think you’re upset with the wrong person here. I’d be more concerned with finding out which of the four people who knew “leaked” the news, rather than the person who heard through the grapevine.

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    1. Relentlessly Socratic*

      eeeehhhh, I could see the two work chums having a conversation out of line of sight of the front desk and not realizing that they could be heard (perhaps a “should we do a baby shower” or “poor [OP] has terrible morning sickness, wish we could help”).

      People can and do overhear things that they shouldn’t, but not everyone rushes off to spread the hot goss when they do.

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      1. Ashley*

        I agree with this. I do feel like there are certain roles where pretending not to hear things are more important then others and for some reason I feel like a front desk person is going to be subject to more things that shouldn’t be repeated and should know better. Like an EA will hear many more things working outside an executives office but they never actually ‘know’ anything.

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        1. Orv*

          I work in IT, which means I’m on other people’s computers a lot, and boy, is discretion important there, too. The combination of a master office key and an administrative login requires a lot of trust.

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      2. Silver Robin*

        agreed, said as much above. Some folks have discretion as a bigger part of their role and receptionists are often one of them for precisely these reasons.

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  5. I should really pick a name*

    I’m kind of surprised that this letter focuses on Roberta entirely and has nothing to say about the front desk person sharing the news.

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      1. Sleve*

        Given how enthusiastic the front desk person was to awkwardly wedge the topic into conversation via any means necessary, it wouldn’t surprise me if they also turned out to have a penchant for snooping around and listening through keyholes whenever the front desk is quiet.

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    2. dulcinea47*

      Roberta has a history of making inappropriate comments on peoples’ bodies; I’m assuming the other parties involved didn’t. If anyone else heard, they managed to realize it was not their business until told by OP. Roberta’s really the one screwing up here.

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      1. I should really pick a name*

        I think talking about whether or not the LW needs menstrual pads qualifies as an inappropriate comment on someone’s body.

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          1. kalli*

            It’s inappropriate because it’s an individual’s personal medical and hygiene choice which is not generally visible to other people, involves sensitive and socially private parts of the body, and even if work provides supplies, it’s not done so by issuing to individuals or by individual request.

            The reason someone needs to stick something in their undies may not even be menstrual and that’s still not work’s business or a reason to break that barrier, and thus, discussing it at work is not appropriate.

            People who discuss it to normalise it choose to be open, but even if that’s happening, participation and disclosure cannot be expected or required, and reading into a lack of it can go so so so wrong.

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        2. But Of Course*

          It’s an inappropriate comment that, while about a personal station, is still wildly impersonal – someone whose sense of humor is calibrated to think that’s funny is almost certainly someone who makes weird jokes all the time, and OP doesn’t have to care about fixing it if she doesn’t want to, expects that addressing it will make the situation worse, or simply already knows how to (or has) shut the front desk person down. Roberta made her issue personal by berating OP about being left out. It’s absolutely fine to solve only the problem the letter writers want help with.

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      2. I went to school with only 1 Jennifer*

        But SOMEONE was talking about OP’s pregnancy to someone else who wasn’t OP, which made this possible: “the person at the front desk overheard someone else talking about it”. I’m going with the “colleague who is a close family friend” myself.

        OP, you named 4 people at work who knew about the pregnancy (I’m counting “HR” as 1 person here). Did you tell them that you were not making any announcements at work yet? (If not, now you’ve learned that you need to say some perfectly obvious things explicitly.) And are you talking with your family yet? If so, the “close family friend” may have heard that way and not realized that this was privileged information.

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        1. No Longer Working*

          Your first sentence is not necessarily true. Two of the 4 people who knew could have been talking to each other about it (Say her boss and HR person) and not realized they could be heard through the wall, or hadn’t closed the door all the way yet, or one was on the phone to the other and the receptionist overheard. Could be totally legit.

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          1. KaciHall*

            sometime also could’ve just noticed the morning sickness and assumed that she was pregnant, and talked about it like a fact. (Fun story, I ended I puking at work the same week I didn’t have a babysitter and had to miss the monthly happy hour. Given that 5 people asked if I was pregnant the next week, it’s not hard to assume that any one of them might have assumed and didn’t ask.)

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            1. Productivity Pigeon*

              When I started taking a particular ADHD medication, I was nauseous for MONTHS and kept eating saltines and sitting in the bathroom trying not to throw up.

              I was sincerely worried my coworkers would think I was pregnant.

              Just goes to show you should never assume anything.

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  6. FashionablyEvil*

    The only appropriate response to “I’m not really telling people yet” is, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize! I will keep it to myself.” Geez.

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    1. Pastor Petty Labelle*

      the only appropriate response was to pretend you did not know until told yourself.

      But the Robertas of the world will never have that kind of self-control.

      OP, you are perfectly right to keep Ms. Gossip at an arm’s length. Its none of her ding darn business. She has no “right” to know something you don’t want to tell her that is not work related. Keep your interactions with her professional and work related only. If she continues to pout that she isn’t allowed to gossip about you, that’s a her problem, not a you problem.

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      1. The Kulprit*

        This! I hear things I’m not meant to all the time, you’d never know it though because I don’t tell other people’s business! I think OP did fabulously at holding her ground that this is not info to be shared — I don’t care of you’re happy — its private.

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      2. Strive to Excel*

        To be fair, it’s possible to be told things that you only find out later are not public knowledge. I’ve ended up being unwittingly on the end of a Roberta gossip chain only to find out that it was info that shouldn’t have gotten out. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize” + keeping your mouth shut from then on out is about the best recovery after that.

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    2. KC*

      This!! It’s so common for people to keep pregnancies quiet until they reach a certain point, like after the first trimester. Many people do this in case there are complications with the pregnancy. It’s so deeply personal. I cannot believe the gall someone would have to demand to know why they weren’t told.

      Reply ↓
      1. DogFace Boy*

        I have a coworker friend who made the most of the fact that she was in later pregnancy over the winter and wore a lot of winter vests at work. Management and I were in the know- no one else found out until month 8.

        Reply ↓
      2. allathian*

        I had to tell my manager before I’d even told my parents or in-laws when I was seven or eight weeks pregnant because she found me asleep at my desk one day. I was a bit nauseous but my morning sickness was very mild because I didn’t vomit once, but the first trimester exhaustion was something else.

        We told my parents and in-laws the following weekend and my coworkers around week 26. I wasn’t showing yet.

        I sometimes had issues with that manager, but she got this right. She simply asked me if I wanted her to tell the team or if she should do it, and I told her I’d share the information when I was ready, and that was it, no gossip at all. And even when I shared the information and after I started showing, no gossip reached my ears.

        When I did tell, my close coworker who had two kids in school at the time, seemed a bit put out by the news. I got pregnant when I’d been working for my employer for 18 months, when 12 months is the minimum you need for qualifying for full parental leave benefits, and my position had been fairly difficult to fill.

        Reply ↓
    4. Lab Snep*

      Having worked in a lab that did pregnancy testing AND having ADHD and face blindness made me act super surprised whenever anyone announced their pregnancy.

      I never could remember if I knew because I ran a test or knew because they told me.

      Someone once took me to the side and laughed and said they told me. I said I couldn’t remember and i wanted to protect their privacy.

      They said “Thank you, not everyone does that!”

      Reply ↓
  7. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

    Roberta AND the front desk person are both insufferable gossips who wanted to be The One Who Knows. And that’s it. It had nothing to do with your particular pregnancy or any kindness that they want to provide because all of it is about how exciting it is to be the bringer of dramatic news.

    If you can’t get work done because of the aftermath, just treat it as any other work delay and raise concerns to whatever party needs to know.
    If she’s butt hurt that you’re not including her in on your fun news, just remember that you can always offer to have her come along on your morning sickness vomit sessions, as that’s what’s most on your mind.

    Reply ↓
  8. JustKnope*

    Honestly, I would flag to your boss that the front desk person spread your news around and was gossiping about it. Roberta is probably not the only person who knows now, she’s just the one who is rude enough to bring it up to your face.

    Reply ↓
    1. Sheworkshardforthemoney*

      Exactly. When my daughter was pregnant she kept it under wraps for medical reasons. Eventually it became an open secret when she “popped” in her six month but her coworkers kept up the polite fiction that nothing was going on until the official announcement. No one was harmed in not knowing.

      Reply ↓
    2. Margaret Cavendish*

      Yep. If Roberta knows, I think it’s safe to assume that everybody knows. I’m sorry, OP – you should be able to announce your pregnancy in your own time, and not have to deal with other people’s feelings about it!

      I wouldn’t bother talking to Roberta about this. She’s already made your pregnancy (announcement) all about her, there’s no point in enabling her any further. If there’s no impact on your work, you should feel free to ignore her ignoring you! If there is an impact on your work, escalate it to your boss or her boss, just as you would with any other problem. “Hi Boss, I emailed Roberta last week for the TPS reports and she hasn’t responded – can you help me out?”

      Congratulations on your pregnancy!

      Reply ↓
    4. CommanderBanana*

      Same. Given that I’ve never met an HR person who actually kept confidential information confidential, I’d be inclined to assume the HR person blabbed.

      Reply ↓
    5. tiredworkingmom*

      same–i lost my first pregnancy and there were so many people speculating around my office. it felt…awful and i would’ve been really sad if someone had approached me after the fact and asked about it.

      Reply ↓
  9. Guest*

    IME one doesn’t have “warm moments of connection” with the office busybody. LW’s workplace sounds like gossip central.

    Reply ↓
    1. online millenial*

      Yeah, that was my thought–it sounds like kind of a gossipy office. I think unfortunately in the future OP is gonna need to share info like this with even fewer people–probably not those office friends, since they’re not Need To Know–and emphasize to the people who do need to know that you want to keep this private.

      Reply ↓
  10. learnedthehardway*

    Your pregnancy isn’t “about” other people – and Roberta needs to understand that.

    I’d be annoyed – more with whoever was discussing your pregnancy in a public space when you’d told them you were not announcing it, although I’d also be annoyed with Roberta for trying to make it all about her feelings.

    Reply ↓
    2. ThatOtherClare*

      Exactly. Roberta, if you don’t want to feel embarrassed, don’t burst in on other people and announce you know their secrets.

      Reply ↓
  11. VP of Monitoring Employees' LinkedIn Profiles*

    “If you’re ACTUALLY upset that I didn’t announce my pregnancy to you, then you should file an ACTUAL complaint with H.R. (and see how far that goes).”

    Reply ↓
  13. HonorBox*

    I see comments about the front desk person and whoever was talking loud enough for the news to be overheard. I’ll push back a bit, simply because it is possible that it was overheard accidentally and front desk person didn’t realize it wasn’t public info yet. The joke was weird and not at all appropriate. But it could be that all of that info sharing was fairly innocent.

    But with that in mind, I think I’d go beyond Roberta. OP, you’ve shared with your boss and HR, so I assume there’s a good enough relationship there. I think you should go back to them first. Why? Because you’re being frozen out by Roberta who thought it was her right to control how YOUR information was shared. That has work implications, even if you don’t work directly together all the time. Being frozen out and ignored is a problem. Also, the fact that the information got out is something they need to know. Because clearly they were two of the three who had the information. And I think HR would probably like to know about the “joke” just because it isn’t something that has a place in the workplace.

    Don’t talk to Roberta. I think given how you’ve characterized her, it will only make things more challenging with her.

    Reply ↓
    1. Elle*

      If you haven’t been told information directly by the owner of the information, you behave as if you didn’t hear it. You don’t start casually discussing it. This is a good learning opportunity for reception.

      Reply ↓
      1. HonorBox*

        I don’t disagree one bit. I just can see how it may have been an innocent mistake. But gentle course correction is warranted.

        And just agreeing more, that reception did misstep too, and not just Roberta, is a more resounding reason that boss/HR need to be involved and it can’t just be a conversation with Roberta.

        Reply ↓
        1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

          I think you’re right about this being an innocent mistake (or a series of them). But it’s worth the reminder to the people talking and the receptionist who overheard that any kind of medical information is private and personal. So the right thing to do is to be careful if you come to know this information. Not as a way to punish anyone, just as a reminder of how we can best respect each other.

          Reply ↓
      2. BigLawEx*

        Especially because reception is in a position to overhear a lot…probably. I kind of don’t understand the idea that people pretend not to hear what’s not for them. This happens often in life and MYOB is a thing, right?

        Reply ↓
      3. Ellie*

        Some people don’t like to make big announcements though. When I got engaged, I told a few people at work and hoped that the information would just leak around the office on its own. Which is exactly what happened. I agree you should be more careful about something like a pregnancy, but to me, four people is a lot to tell and expect it to remain a secret, unless they were explicitly told.

        Reply ↓
    2. Observer*

      I’ll push back a bit, simply because it is possible that it was overheard accidentally and front desk person didn’t realize it wasn’t public info yet.

      The first part, yes. The second part, no.

      It is never reasonable that something you overheard is public knowledge unless the conversation you heard was happening in a very public fashion.

      Reply ↓
  14. Seashell*

    Roberta’s behavior is lousy, but you told quite a few people. At that point, you should assume the info is out there. You could have told your office mate that you were having medical problems that made you rush to the bathroom, but nothing contagious. You didn’t need to tell the family friend.

    Reply ↓
    1. Expelliarmus*

      Let’s not do this. We are not going to blame the OP for telling 4 people that either have work reasons to know or presumably she cares enough about to let them know. Her pregnancy, her choice on how to handle the news. Sure, if we’re talking about things she could have done differently, she could have told less people, but let’s not frame it as “well you told a few people so don’t be mad that other people have opinions about it that they feel the need to tell you”.

      Reply ↓
      1. Peanut Hamper*

        Agreed. This is entirely about the front desk person and Roberta being terrible people.

        Let’s not blame the victim here. The people she told needed to know. And even if they didn’t, it’s the OP’s business who she tells.

        Reply ↓
        1. Seashell*

          It is her business, but people knowing before you’re ready is the risk you take with telling anyone. I don’t think she’s a victim – she’s someone who made a choice about sharing a secret, and it didn’t turn out well, in part because other people behaved badly.

          Reply ↓
          1. Observer*

            This is not just about “some people knowing”. It’s about some people gossiping like her life depends on it. And worse – making an issue that the LW did not share with even more people, getting huffy about not being among the first people to be officially informed, and *demanding* more information and a “justification” for the LW acting with some level of privacy.

            Reply ↓
            1. A Book about Metals*

              I think partly what Seashell is saying is that whoever it was who actually blabbed about this in the first place (boss, longtime family friend, officemate, HR) should take alot of the blame.

              The office busybody is who she is, but whoever spilled the beans was supposedly told this in confidence and expected to keep it

              Reply ↓
          1. Jennifer Strange*

            Except Seashell is specifically blaming the victim here by scolding her for telling folks she decided she wanted to tell.

            Reply ↓
      2. Sneaky Squirrel*

        Agreed; I think we can agree here that LW gets to choose who LW wants to tell. LW can decide who is in the need to know without our judgement of who deserves information.

        Reply ↓
      3. Ellie*

        Well I tend to think the two are very different issues. Yes, OP should not have been that surprised that the information got out, and yes, OP has the right to be annoyed at the way Roberta has handled the information, which was terrible. Roberta isn’t even a good friend, she had no reason to expect OP to take her into her confidence regarding her pregnancy. Her behaviour afterwards in trying to ice her out is also appalling. The OP has every right to feel angry about that, and should in no way feel guilty for not making Roberta, the office gossip, one of the first four people she told about her pregnancy. That’s pretty cut and dried.

        Reply ↓
    2. Ellis Bell*

      Telling a few close people a piece sensitive news does mean it can leak out, yes. That doesn’t make it okay for it to leak out, and it doesn’t make it okay for Roberta to be butthurt about not being first in line for the gossip. Just because news can escape, doesn’t mean it should, and if someone accidentally overhears about it they shouldn’t pass it along as gossip. If someone does hear secondhand gossip they should pretend they didn’t hear it, instead of behaving like the most entitled person ever. I hear this kind of “oh of course it’s going to spread” attitude from gossips all the time, but you know what? Whenever anyone goes “Pssst Someone Is Pregnant!” to me, I keep my mouth shut until I see the news being shared by the pregnant person themselves. It’s actually not hard.

      Reply ↓
      1. Seashell*

        I’m a person who has been pregnant, and I think “of course it’s going to spread” because that’s often what happens in life, so I didn’t tell anyone I was ready for that to happen. I can understand the need to tell the boss and HR for work purposes if you are having related health problems, but I’d leave it at that if at all possible.

        Reply ↓
        1. PlantProf*

          Both times I’ve been pregnant I’ve mentioned it pretty early to the few people I was working closely with every day. Because honestly first trimester is hard even if you have it pretty “easy”, without a lot of sickness. It was going to be pretty obvious that I wasn’t working to my usual level (especially since both times that work included field work in the heat, which I could barely tolerate). Some of these people I told early were undergrads, and even they completely understood and didn’t spread the news when I asked them not to. It’s not actually hard, and it’s a very reasonable expectation to have.

          Reply ↓
          1. ThatOtherClare*

            This! Your last sentence needs to be shouted from the rooftops for some reason.

            It’s not hard to keep other people’s pregnancies a secret.

            Reply ↓
        2. Ellie*

          My news leaked out the moment I declined to have a glass of wine with my dinner. It was way before I was ready to share, but hey, when someone, wine glass already in hand, stops to turn around, stares at you, and then breaks out into a huge laughing smile, what can you do? At the same time, I heard that one of my oldest friends was pregnant through the grapevine when she was more than 22 weeks along. I never blamed her at all for not sharing the news with me personally. I knew she’d had a devastating miscarriage at 20 weeks previously, and just felt dreadfully sorry for her, for being reluctant to share that news.

          Roberta sounds like an insufferable busybody, but its not weird for this kind of news to leak out. It really, usually, does.

          Reply ↓
          1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

            Having flashbacks to years ago when I found out on Facebook that a friend (who lived fairly far away from me) had eloped in Mexico. I noticed that she never had an alcoholic drink in any of her pictures. It wasn’t hard to put 2 and 2 together (and I was correct). But I didn’t say anything to anyone, even her, until she told me. Months later, because she was staying with me for a conference and didn’t want to surprise me with her giant pregnant belly at the airport.

            Reply ↓
    3. Observer*

      Four people is not “quite a few”.

      Not talking to a persona (family) friend because they happen to also work in your organization is ridiculous. It’s beyond unreasonable to assume that just because someone has both roles they are going to blab about everything they hear from their friends in the office.

      Reply ↓
  15. Pottery Yarn*

    Four people (or more, if multiple people are included under the HR umbrella) is a lot of people to know a secret and not expect it to get out. That SHOULD NOT be the case (and doesn’t change that Roberta and the front desk employee were very much in the wrong), but it is, unfortunately, how it will often play out and is something to consider when deciding how you want to share the news.

    Reply ↓
    1. That Crazy Cat Lady*

      Eh, OP is allowed to share this with whoever she wants, and I don’t think we should give busybodies a free pass. That said, I think the bigger problem is Roberta’s response when OP told her that they weren’t sharing yet, which should have been something like, “I’m so sorry, I understand. I’ll keep it to myself.”

      Reply ↓
    2. Meep*

      I have only told four coworkers outright other than my boss, and somehow my other coworkers haven’t felt the need to comment, even though they most likely know. I am sorry you and the people around you lack basic manners.

      Reply ↓
  16. WT*

    “she’s overly gossipy and tends to heavily comment on other’s bodies and appearances in a way I find uncomfortable”

    The commenting on bodies needs to stop, full-on. Whoever is her manager has failed to stop this at the source and because of that, Roberta now feels comfortable enough to be invasive about things like early pregnancies.

    Reply ↓
  17. Agent Diane*

    The time to ask anyone if they might be pregnant is when the baby is literally arriving in front of you. Otherwise it is none of your business.

    Reply ↓
    1. Not Totally Subclinical*

      Yep. I suspect that one of my coworkers might be pregnant, but I have no work need to know, so I’m not going to ask. If she is pregnant, I’ll find out in about five months when the baby announcement goes out, and if she’s not, then I didn’t get up in her business.

      Reply ↓
  18. Quality Girl*

    Ooh ooh ooh this happened to me! My boomer busybody also thought we were much (much!) closer than we were. When she found out I was pregnant, she replied, “But you didn’t even tell me you were trying!” I said, “Uhh yeah, we were keeping that part private.” Luckily she dropped it after that, but it was still shocking.

    Reply ↓
      1. Quality Girl*

        Haha, exactly. And I would love to know what kind of face I made when she said that. I cannot emphasize enough how not-close we were. I made polite small-talk with her in the break room when we were in there at the same time. That was the extent of our relationship.

        Reply ↓
      2. Juicebox Hero*

        “By the way, Millicent, Spouse and I are planning to fuck like bunnies all weekend. Just thought you’d like to know!”

        Reply ↓
        1. GenX, PhD, Enters the Chat*

          I would sure like to witness THAT exchange.

          It is so weird when people announce they are “trying” because, um, you’re telling us about your sex life? TMI.

          Reply ↓
    2. online millenial*

      “Oh I’m so sorry you weren’t on the list for the newsletter about my sex life, let me get your email so I can add you.”

      Reply ↓
    4. Paint N Drip*

      I truly cannot fathom that people do share that they’re ‘trying’… I can understand ‘we are thinking about kids’ but anything more to a general crowd is icky for me LOL! I suspect this opinion is informed by my history of miscarriages, but I also don’t want my coworkers to contemplate my sex life AT ALL

      Reply ↓
      1. MigraineMonth*

        I think it’s fine to share at work if someone wants to. It’s about family, not kinky sexual practices (unless you have an ovulation tracking kink, I guess). It’s not that much more explicitly sexual than “We’re getting married and going on honeymoon.” For a lot of couples, it’s not even that they’re announcing a change in their sex life as that they’re announcing a change in their birth control (or possibly that they’re starting fertility treatments).

        I also understand why someone would want to keep that information private at work (particularly if there were miscarriages, fertility struggles, or surrogacy).

        Reply ↓
  19. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

    Roberta wasn’t looking for a “warm moment of connection,” or she would have started with something like “Congratulations!” rather than “why didn’t you tell me?”

    LW didn’t want those congratulations either, but this would have played out a bit differently if Roberta had started with “Congratulations,” as if she had heard the news and assumed that LW wanted to talk about it. Roberta either knew the news wasn’t supposed to be public yet–most likely–or is taking ridiculous offense at not having been told directly. Either way, Roberta is making this about her own demand to be told everything, not about LW’s pregnancy.

    Reply ↓
    1. Silver Robin*

      Eh, Roberta is nosy and needs to get over herself, but the facetiously dramatic “omg why didn’t you tell me??” is a common enough line that I would not read too much into it.

      Yes, it is a bit of a chiding of “I thought we were closer than that!!” but if you think you are that close, you also often think you can rib your friend a bit for any social oversights. It just reads to me as underscoring that Roberta overestimates her relationship with OP because, again, she is nosy and needs to get over herself

      Reply ↓
      1. amoeba*

        Yeah, like, combined with a huge smile and excitement it’s maybe not the best thing to say, but I wouldn’t take it as criticism! And I can even kind of see Roberta’s point here, at least if she heard the information in a way that seemed like it was public knowledge. We don’t know, of course – but if people are openly talking about somebody’s pregnancy in the office/mentioning it to me casually, not in a gossipy way, I will probably assume that it’s OK for me to know – and yes, I might go to the person and congratulate them in that case!

        She should obviously still have changed track quickly once LW told her it wasn’t supposed to be out yet, but I can also kind of see how “How do you know?” as a reply to genuine congrats/excitement for something I assumed was public information might seem like quite a strong rebuff and hurt a bit. (Obviously in no way justifies the way she’d behaving since!)

        Reply ↓
    2. ThatOtherClare*

      The problem is, if you don’t know the person very well, ‘Congratulations’ might be the last thing they want to hear. Not every pregnancy is a wanted one. Wanted pregnancies can come at a terrible time. Not every pregnancy will make it to term and people can find that news out any time, any day. That’s why it’s best to let the pregnant person tell you if possible, so you can gauge your response based on their levels of enthusiasm. If you’re still not sure, ‘Wow, big news. How are you feeling?’ lets them tell you directly how to react. But all of that requires not pulling a Roberta, of course.

      Reply ↓
  21. LinesInTheSand*

    You might want to go clear the air with Roberta just as an excuse to reiterate that you’re not talking about it and she shouldn’t spread it around.

    Reply ↓
  22. Goldenrod*

    Congratulations, LW!

    Enjoy the lovely gift of never having Roberta try to socialize with you ever again. In your place, I would be happy to have her ignore me forever.

    Reply ↓
  23. Happy*

    I would feel so much discomfort about having people joke about my menstruation or lack thereof!

    This is all completely terrible. I’m so sorry, OP.

    Reply ↓
    1. Ellis Bell*

      I usually hate comment speculation, but that joke is so weird I doubt the truth of it even happening at all. How would that even go? “Hehehe more tampons for us now OP is pregnant!” What? No. Roberta said it “came up” because they were talking about menstruation supplies, but I think it came up more bluntly than that with nothing more than “guess what I just overheard” as the introduction.

      Reply ↓
      1. Silver Robin*

        If we are speculating (tone is for comedic effect)…

        Roberta: watchya doing?

        Reception: just working on ordering more menstruation bits for the bathrooms

        Roberta: oh! how many of those do we even go through in a month?

        reception: not many, and probably even fewer now that OP will not need them for a bit!

        Is this an absurd conversation? Yes. But I am also friendly with the reception staff and often do ask them about whatever they are working on because it occasionally provides neat tidbits of trivia about the processes of the org. I honestly might do exactly as the imaginary Roberta above if the opportunity presented itself.

        Reply ↓
      2. Meep*

        I believe it. My former boss once insisted my 102-degree fever was just me ovulating (I had bronchitis from COVID) and that my flu symptoms were pregnancy symptoms.

        People are a$$holes.

        Reply ↓
    2. Sneaky Squirrel*

      I’m just so curious about how small this office is that we can talk about how many menstruation supplies to get by joking out about who is/isn’t using them.

      Reply ↓
      1. Relentlessly Socratic*

        And, I mean I’ve not been in an office for nearly a decade, but don’t folx bring their own supplies and use what’s in the restroom as a backup? How many supplies are people using that one person not needing them for the duration of a pregnancy would even be noteworthy?

        Reply ↓
        1. Insert Clever Name Here*

          My company provides menstrual supplies in the bathrooms. I keep my own stash in the restroom closest to my desk (we have cabinets specifically for this type of thing), but I’ve absolutely used the company-provided ones when I’ve been at another office building or when I’ve forgotten to restock my own stash.

          Reply ↓
  24. Indoor_Kitty*

    Jeepers what is wrong with people? I had a coworker who I was fairly close to not tell me she was pregnant even after it was blatantly obvious she was, and I still kept my mouth shut. She later confided in another coworker and me that she really hated being “the pregnant lady in the office” and she loved that we never mentioned it to her – we just stuck to the usual work/social topics we always talked about instead of pregnancy things all the time.

    Reply ↓
  25. Frankie Mermaids*

    Congratulations LW! As someone who was recently keeping a pregnancy a secret for similar reasons, I can commiserate with you on this weird feeling of your pregnancy becoming community property in the workplace. Just keep enforcing the boundaries that feel right to you, and enlist your office mate and family friend in helping you do that in rooms you aren’t in. I have already told a couple of trusted friends that the office busybodies are absolutely NOT, under any circumstances, allowed to throw me a shower like they want to. People get WEIRD about pregnancy.

    Reply ↓
    1. Meep*

      “People get WEIRD about pregnancy.”

      People get SOOOOOO weird about others’ pregnancies. I am due around Christmas and my sister-in-law thought it was a given that I would be in town two-hours away just so she could see the baby around the holidays. Girlfriend, you told your boss before I even told mine. You will be lucky if you find out two weeks after I give birth!

      Reply ↓
  26. 1-800-BrownCow*

    For anyone who is not aware, I’ll list when one should comment or ask a person about their pregnancy when they person has not told them they’re pregnant.

    1. The person is actively in labor.

    2. Never, except when it’s # 1.

    Signed,
    Working Mom who’s been asked about my pregnancy before I was ready to share the news and when I was not actually pregnant but, as the persons felt necessary to tell me, I apparently “looked pregnant”.

    Reply ↓
    1. Caz*

      I was once asked about my supposed pregnancy while at work. I took more joy than I perhaps should have in telling yon busy body “I’m not pregnant, I’m just fat”.

      Reply ↓
      1. Juicebox Hero*

        A thankfully deceased coworker once tried to start a rumor that I was pregnant, just to be a jerk. Thankfully only a few people believed him, and when they demanded to know if it was true I’d cheerfully say nope, just fat, and give them a giant grin. It was so fun watching them squirm.

        Reply ↓
          1. Juicebox Hero*

            On top of being a jerk, he was bigoted, incompetent, egotistical, abrasive, and everyone hated dealing with him, but thanks to our wimpy management no one would fire him or even discipline him. He died suddenly when none of us knew for sure that he was even sick (granted, if he didn’t want to tell us that was his business) and while we were all shocked and a little sad I’d be lying if we didn’t all breathe a sigh of relief.

            Naturally he was replaced with another abrasive, bigoted jerk, but at least this one does his job (heavy sigh).

            Reply ↓
      2. GenX, PhD, Enters the Chat*

        I have done this. People squirm. It’s delightful. I am now past the age of this happening, but it was fun while it lasted.

        Reply ↓
    2. Anonynonybooboo*

      I’ve always heard it (paraphrasing) “Never ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you can see the head emerging *and you are actively in charge of catching it*.”

      And that feels about right.

      {I’ve also been pregnant and not ready to tell, pregnant and miserable and everyone knew, and asked if I was pregnant when I’m just actually fat now, thanks}

      Reply ↓
      1. Walk on the Left Side*

        When I came back from maternity leave after having my first child, I had one coworker I didn’t see often who bumped into me in the kitchen and said “Congratulations!”

        Assuming she knew what was up, I just said, “Thanks!”

        My dearest AAM readers…the next words out of her mouth were, “When are you due?”

        I believe I said something like “He was born in March” and she sort of nodded, murmured some vague agreement, and kind of….drifted away.

        Reply ↓
        1. Happy*

          Oh, I feel so bad for both of you!

          It’s really easy to imagine a scenario where she heard you were pregnant (but not that you had given birth yet), thought that she should congratulate you, and then stuck her foot in her mouth in the most awkward way possible!

          Reply ↓
    3. Productivity Pigeon*

      I’m what you could call a fine boned fat person. Like, I carry all my weight in my stomach while the rest of my body is slim, for lack of a better word, so I’m frequently asked if I’m pregnant.

      Lots of work on myself and the general wisdom what comes with age have made me okay with that assumption. I don’t necessarily like it, but I’ve also never been asked or congratulated maliciously. Whoever has said it has ALWAYS been happy for me.

      So nowadays, I just laugh and say it happens all the time and change the subject. It’s amazing how freeing it is to not be sad or angry and just move on. I didn’t expect that when I was younger.

      Reply ↓
    4. Student*

      In the Midwest, #1 is still considered rude, until there’s crowning. Mere contractions are still territory for politely pretending you don’t know anything at all. Water breaking may merit an “Ope, looks like a spill, let me get a mop,” but is still insufficient basis for speculating on pregnancy.

      Reply ↓
  27. Sara without an H*

    In your place, OP, not having Roberta speak to me would be a plus. Sweet, cold, delicious silence, as Captain Awkward likes to say.

    On the other hand, Alison is right that if her refusal to interact with you is causing work problems, you need to address it. Yes, you’ll probably have to start by speaking to Roberta directly, not because that will solve the problem, but because the first thing your manager and/or HR will ask is, “Have you talked with Roberta about it?”

    If speaking to her doesn’t persuade Roberta to behave like an adult (use Alison’s script, or something close to it), go to your manager, HR, or both. Explain what happened and describe the effect on your work. Treat Roberta politely and professionally whenever you have to deal with her, but don’t feel you have to feed her any personal information to placate her.

    Oh, and congratulations!

    Reply ↓
  28. Meep*

    Offering my sympathy OP. At six weeks, we only meant to tell my parents and in-laws, but my in-laws decided to tell their friends, other children, parents, etc (MIL was excited to post it on Facebook), leading us to scramble to be allowed to share our news ourselves with his grandmother and aunt. Literally six seconds after being forced to tell his brother, aalll this brother’s friends knew. His mother and sister were gracious enough to wait until Monday (we told them on Friday), to tell their own bosses.

    My own sister didn’t know for weeks later, but I had strangers all up in my uterus! People really need to screw off when it comes to someone else’s pregnancy and let the pregnant person be.

    (Congrats by the way.)

    Reply ↓
    1. BigLawEx*

      Interestingly, when you keep it a ‘secret’ people feel some type of way about not being first on the list to be informed.

      Personally, I did feel odd when a close friend – who was obviously pregnant – didn’t share until 25 weeks. However, she did disclose that because she was 43, she planned to abort if the genetic testing had come back with a disability. I had to respect that as a very valid choice.

      Did I share those feelings WITH her…NO. Actually, this may be the first time I’ve expressed them.

      Reply ↓
    2. Sister George Michael*

      OMG why did the future grandma and aunt need to let their bosses know?? They sound like the kind of people who would insist on being in the delivery room.

      Reply ↓
  29. SuzeQ*

    I had a coworker tell me I didn’t look pregnant when she’d heard I was pregnant, and I had to tell her that I “no longer was” because I lost the fetus at 18 weeks. She was mortified, never spoke to me again, and I started crying and had to go tell my boss so I wouldn’t be branded as rude.
    You shouldn’t be required to tell anyone about your body/pregnancy unless you want to. In my case, my boss knew and my immediate coworkers knew because I was constantly running to the bathroom ill. The woman who made the comment wasn’t in my department and frankly, wasn’t someone I spoke to regularly, if ever.

    Reply ↓
    2. allathian*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I guess the tiny silver lining here was that you didn’t have to collaborate with that coworker, so her silence didn’t affect your work.

      Reply ↓
  30. Pounce de Lion*

    Roberta is wrong, but I appreciate your giving her the benefit of the doubt. It is very true that pregnancy, weight loss, new hairdos, here-let-me-fix-the-tag-that’s-hanging-out-of-your-shirt-collar, etc., were commonly seen as a women’s bonding opportunity in the past. There was once a time when bonding was vital for getting by in the male-oriented workplace. This is less needed now and certainly less appreciated. I am in a bridge generation and can see both points of view.

    But, again, Roberta is wrong and I hope this encounter will help her update her thinking.

    Reply ↓
  31. kanada*

    OP, take this as the blessing it it. Roberta sounds unpleasant to deal with, so let her continue not talking to you unless it impacts your work, at which point you can let your boss know that she’s not doing her job. In fact, I don’t think you need to make any mention of the social circumstances behind it. It’s immaterial to the problem–Roberta needs to do her job–and if Roberta decides to bring that up on her own, it’s not going to endear her to anyone with a modicum of sense.

    Reply ↓
    1. kanada*

      To be clear, I think you should NOT talk to Roberta first, and go straight to your boss. This is not a social problem, it’s a work problem. Your issue is not that Roberta isn’t being friends with you, but that she’s not doing her job. She’s a grown adult who knows (or should know) that she has work responsibilities that she can’t abdicate just because her feelings are hurt.

      Reply ↓
  32. Lobstermn*

    Congrats OP!

    Roberta is the kind of person who manufactures drama as pleases her. There’s simply nothing to do but blow it off.

    Reply ↓
  33. June First*

    OP, I wouldn’t be surprised if Roberta was first in line to rub your belly, comment about your weight gain, chime in with massively personal medical details and more.
    Be prepared.

    Reply ↓
  35. Middle Name Jane*

    I’m neurodivergent and generally feel like I live on a different planet from everyone else–but based on all these comments about all these people going nuts about other people’s pregnancies, I feel weird because…I don’t care. I mean, I’ll congratulate someone when I’m told of a pregnancy, I’ll buy a gift depending on my relationship with that person. But other than that? I’m not that into it. I can’t imagine acting this banana crackers over someone else’s pregnancy.

    Reply ↓
  36. Ceanothus*

    I was not ready to disclose my pregnancy for a long time — it was touch and go pretty late in the game and I didn’t want to face potentially either informing everyone of a loss or of facing a wall of sympathy.

    I want to note that I had *several* coworkers who I thought of as busybodies. One of my few work friends told them pretty early on, and they just kept mum about it (to everyone! including me!) for WEEKS. That grace really changed my working relationship with them for the better — I was so grateful for their understanding that it made me rethink my existing relationship with them.

    OP deserves the same level of kindness and understanding, and I’m sorry she didn’t get it.

    Reply ↓
  37. Jill Swinburne*

    On the plus side, if Roberta continues to sulk, OP will be spared months of ‘ooooh, you’re getting big’, ‘ooooh, should you be drinking coffee?’, ‘oooh, you’re carrying low, bet it’s a boy,’ ‘let me tell you about my sister’s cousin’s horrible labour’, ‘are you getting stretch marks yet?’ and all the rest of it.

    Reply ↓
  38. Specks*

    If I were you, I’d bring it up to my boss. I would also tell her exactly how the busybody found out. Because whomever eavesdropped on (or even actually accidentally overheard) private medical information and then decided to spread it around really needs a very stern talking to. That kind of gossip is just as out of line as Rebecca’s nosy behavior and the boss need to deal with both, really.

    Also, if you don’t need to talk to Rebecca for work, just enjoy the peace and quiet, it sounds much better than any interactions with her.

    Reply ↓
  39. ScottW*

    I went through something similar when I gave notice at my last job: “Why wasn’t I told?” from people who simply didn’t need to know and whom I didn’t want to deal with. I just said “I told the people that needed to know” over and over and over.

    Reply ↓
  40. Dawn*

    One of my managers told me once something along the lines of, “Oh, well, my wife isn’t drinking coffee right now,” and I said, “Oh, congratulations!”

    I thought he was deliberately telling me. He immediately reacted with, “Who told you?!”

    Apparently he had no idea that I might link these two things together. I was rather embarrassed about it, but also, seriously?

    Reply ↓
    1. I should really pick a name*

      That is not an assumption that I would have made.

      General rule of thumb: Do not refer to pregnancy until you here the words “I am pregnant” (or “My partner is pregnant”).

      Reply ↓
      1. Dawn*

        We had a relatively close relationship – he wasn’t my direct manager – and he was always joking around, so I thought it was just more of the same.

        Admittedly, my bad! I did say I was embarrassed. But he also had a history of not approaching stuff seriously.

        But thank you for the life lesson.

        Reply ↓
  41. Susan*

    First of all, congratulations!

    Second, this happened to me. I had to tell my boss and her two sub bosses about the early hours and full days I would miss due to fertility treatments. I was panicked about this pregnancy ending in a miscarriage again. We weren’t telling anyone, so that was everyone I told. Getting a phone call in the same “I know your secret” vein from a different coworker made me blow my top. There was absolutely a phone call to those bosses, telling them my personal medical information was not gossip, and further details divulged would lead to a lawyer (we had no real HR). I left that job less than a year after welcoming my perfect baby girl.

    Reply ↓
  43. Gustavo*

    I’d be looping in HR and my boss about the front desk person gossiping about my menstrual cycle AND the pregnancy I had not shared. Definitely about Roberta and her bullying to share the info and now retaliation when I didn’t. I’d also demand to know who was speaking about my pregnancy in front of the receptionist considering how few people knew and have that person also included in my complaint.

    Reply ↓
  44. Hedgehug*

    Ah, never tell anyone you’re pregnant if you don’t want them to turn around and blurt it out.
    I’m sorry to tell you, but it was either your office mate or your family friend. The receptionist told Roberta, but who did the receptionist overhear? I mean, it COULD have been the HR person or your boss, but not likely. This was a learning experience that I had with a family member who blurted my pregnancy when I literally told her not to tell a soul. Lesson learned.

    Reply ↓
  45. e271828*

    “… she knows because the person at the front desk overheard someone else talking about it and decided to bring it up when she and Roberta were talking about stocking the bathroom with menstruation pads and she joked that I ‘clearly wouldn’t be needing them.'”

    WTAF, front desk person. Just. WTAF.

    I think some trainings or something about privacy might be helpful around this workplace.

    Reply ↓

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