trainer had religious messages on his presentation screen, did my son’s friend’s dad share confidential data, and more

by Alison Green on September 20, 2024

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Trainer had religious messages on his presentation screen

I attended a multi-day training a few months back where the trainer who was running the presentations had extreme religious images/quotes as his laptop background, so every time they were between presentations, the image was projected on the screens at the front of the classroom. If the images/quotes had been of the “love thy neighbor” type, I probably would’ve clocked it as not the most appropriate in a professional environment but also pretty harmless. The message was not this. It was “the wages of sin is death,” we’re all sinners who will burn in hell if not for Jesus type of quotes, arranged in the shape of a large cross. It was … extremely unsettling.

I’m guessing someone said something about it, because about halfway through the training he switched his background to a generic Microsoft background. I had wanted to say something, but was unsure how to approach it since religion is such an individual and personal thing, and it felt weird as an attendee to ask the trainer to change his screen. How would one go about asking someone who is in a position of authority at least if not power to make such a change?

To make the question more interesting, I’m interviewing for a senior leader position next month, and that position supervises that particular trainer. If I were this person’s supervisor and saw that kind of religious message on his computer, how would I address it? If it’s just on his computer background and wasn’t projected to an audience, do you say nothing? If it were a less violent message, would it be okay if it were projected to an audience? Would a blanket “don’t have a religious background when projecting to an audience at work” rule be legally appropriate? I know general expression of one’s religion in the workplace is protected and I would never want to single someone out for their religious beliefs, but this feels different.

Wow, yeah, that’s wildly inappropriate. You weren’t there for religious proselytizing; you were there for a work training.

You were absolutely entitled as a training participant to speak up and ask him to change it. One way to do it would be to talk to him privately on a break and say, “I don’t know if you realize your screen background has religious quotes, but I’d appreciate if you’d change it to something neutral since we’re here for a work training.” On the other hand, you’d also be on solid ground in speaking up during the class itself and saying, “I find that background really distracting and off-topic. Could it be changed?” (Personally I’d do that one because I think there’s value in other people seeing pushback on this stuff, and I also wouldn’t want to sit here with it for hours before an opportunity to talk to him privately, but I’m also less shy about making a scene over this sort of BS than many people are.)

As his manager, it would be 100% okay to require that all your trainers use neutral presentation backgrounds with no personal messages on them (this would cover not just religion, but sports, politics, marijuana leaves, and on and on).

2. Should I report my son’s friend’s dad for sharing confidential student data?

I teach history an elite prep school (something akin to Chilton for you Gilmore girls fans out there). Thanks to tuition discounts that faculty receive, my son “Jack” is able to attend and is in the fifth grade. The school does standardized testing twice a year. During the most recent round of testing, Jack was sick and did not perform his best. My husband and I chose not to show him his test scores because he’s a perfectionist and we knew it didn’t reflect what he is capable of. Recently, I overheard his best friend, “Milo,” teasing him because Milo had outscored him on the test. He knew Jack’s scores in specific categories and was able to compare them to his own.

Given that Jack had no idea what his score was, Milo had to get the information somewhere else. I strongly suspect Milo learned the scores from his father, who works for the school in IT. His father has the ability to access grades and test scores that others can’t.

Here’s my dilemma — do I report my suspicions? On the one hand, Milo’s father is potentially sharing confidential information with students, which is a fireable offense. On the other hand, if Milo’s father loses his job, there’s no way their family can afford to continue to send Milo to our school. We’ve discussed our financial circumstances before, and the fact that our children can only attend due to our employment with the school. I don’t want Milo to suffer for his father’s mistake. I also have no proof, just my suspicions.

I think you should report it. Disclosing confidential student data is a really big deal, and if Milo’s father was truly oblivious enough to that that he’d disclose Jack’s data to Jack’s best friend (what did he think was going to happen?!), there’s a problem that needs to be addressed.

That said, you don’t actually know this came from Milo’s father. You only know that somehow Jack’s confidential data found its way to a schoolmate. Report that part of it, not the part you can’t prove. The school knows who Milo’s dad is, and if that is indeed what happened, they’re highly likely to be able to put it together themselves. But for all we know, it leaked out some other way — so just stick to the pieces you know for sure.

3. Why won’t people include my middle name?

My name is ​Alexandra Jane Smith, and I’m very attached to it in full. My first name is Alexandra, and that is what I introduce myself as, but I hate it when things are addressed to Alexandra Smith, or my name badge misses out Jane. I know this is a small thing, but it’s my name! It’s particularly frustrating when I get official or important documents without my middle name. ​

​Any suggestions on how to approach this, or just accept my fate as Alexandra (Jane) Smith?

Yeah, if you introduce yourself as Alexandra and you go by Alexandra, you’re going to get addressed as Alexandra (or Alexandra Smith) and Alexandra (or Alexandra Smith) will be on your name badge … since most people don’t use their middle names except on extremely formal legal documents (and often not even then).

You can certainly try to head it off beforehand by letting people know, “I prefer my full name, Alexandra Jane Smith, on documents/name badges.” That will work some of the time, but it won’t work all the time.

Even if you went by Alexandra Jane, you’d still be fighting an uphill battle — ask all the Mary Janes who find Mary on their name tags, or all the people with hyphenated last names who find only half of their last name printed.

It’s perfectly fine to have the preference! But you’ll be happier if you accept that, realistically, your preferences are different from the naming conventions people are used to.

4. Can I put relevant jobs first on my resume?

I did some health counseling work decades ago, and started again during the pandemic for a major hospital system. In between I did a variety of things totally outside the health-related field. As I try to get back into health-related jobs, can I list my work experience by relevant experiences first, and then fill in the rest underneath? Like so:

RELEVANT WORK EXPERIENCE:
2020-2023 – relevant health-related job
1997-2004 – relevant health related job
1992-1997 – relevant health related job
2004-2020 – list other non-health-related jobs here

Would that seem weird on a resume? I’m concerned that a quick glance won’t show me off in the best light if I list the jobs chronologically.

It’s completely normal to separate out relevant experience and list it first, when some of your recent work history is really unrelated to what you’re applying for now. You just need an additional heading in the other for the less relevant jobs, like this:

RELEVANT EXPERIENCE:
2020-2023 – relevant health-related job
1997-2004 – relevant health related job
1992-1997 – relevant health related job

OTHER EXPERIENCE:
2004-2020 – list other non-health-related jobs here

Also, you don’t need to go back 20 years. Feel free to stop at 12-15, depending on what produces the strongest resume. (It’s also okay to go back further for the relevant jobs while only including the more recent non-relevant ones.)

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{ 63 comments }

{ 63 comments… read them below or add one }

  2. Nodramalama*

    I know this isnt really the point, but I do not understand what “the wages of sin is death” even means. Your pay for sin is death?! I did not think sin killed people.

    For LW2 I’d be very careful in the way you report. You don’t really know how this got out. Is it possible jack found out by himself?

    Reply ↓
    2. here for the food*

      Often death and life are used as synonyms for hell and heaven, respectively. So, yes, what one earns for sin is death in that person’s viewpoint.

      Reply ↓
    3. Daria grace*

      #1 along with insisting on neutral backgrounds for people you manage doing presentations, it might be worth having discussions about mindfulness around everything that might become visible on screen while presenting. Theres also sorts of problem stuff that can end up on screens like personal emails or teams messages with confidential content. If they’re oblivious about the background they might be about other things

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    4. Adult ADHDer*

      Basically, yes — the “payment” you receive (i.e. your punishment) for sinning will be death. The most common conventional interpretation of the passage is that it refers to spiritual death, not literal death, although I’ve heard both explanations.

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    5. Daria grace*

      There’s a lot of theological nuance around the verses quoted here but a common understanding is that humans collective rebellion against God introduced death and suffering into the world and caused an estrangement from God that requires Jesus death and resurrection to overcome. It’s not so much about individual sins physically killing you.

      Reply ↓
  3. MK*

    #2, OP I would start with your son. Is it possible that he asked for his test scores and was told? Also, did Milo actually know his exact test scores, or just that he outscored your son? Because if your parents aren’t showing you your test scores, it’s pretty obvious that you didn’t do well.

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    1. Nodramalama*

      Yeah I’d at least consider the possibility that Jack has either found out his results through some other way, or the kids have intuited they weren’t as good

      Reply ↓
    2. coffee*

      It could also be a good point to discuss with your son how your results will change depending on other things happening in your life, and how to healthily deal with not doing as well as you would like (growth mindset can be really helpful).

      I can see why LW2 didn’t tell their son the results, but that can accidentally reinforce that it’s a problem & had to be hidden away.

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    3. Tinkerbell*

      A basic “good job, son, you beat your friend!” Would be one thing – still inappropriate, but I know competitive parents who wouldn’t blink at this at all. Telling his son your kid’s actual scores is a whole other level beyond inappropriate, though!

      Reply ↓
      1. MK*

        My point was that this parent might not have told his son anything at all. OP didn’t hear the boys discuss her son’s specific scores. If his son was told his scores and OP’s son wasn’t, it doesn’t take a deductive genius to realize OP’s son didn’t do as good.

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  4. Pink Sprite*

    For letter 3: If you’re not consistently introducing yourself as Alexandra Jane to everyone, every time, every kind of event and situation, and I mean 100% of the time, you are going to only be called Alexandra.
    And, unless you’re correcting people every single time, your wish is probably not going to happen.
    That’s just the way people are and remember names. Not calling you Alexandra Jane if it’s only on paperwork (and hoping it doesn’t say Alexandria), well, it just isn’t going to happen the way you want it to.

    Reply ↓
    1. many bells down*

      Yeah I work with a woman who has a double first name and even after 3 years on the job some people still just call her “Marie” and not “Marie-Claire”. She’s never introduced herself as Marie! I don’t know if it’s that double names are less common in America or what but it really bugs her.

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    2. PH*

      I think LW3 can basically get what she wants if she introduces herself as Alexandra Jane the very first time she meets someone, or the first couple times, use it in her email signature, but then after a couple interactions just start signing emails “Alexandra” and see how it goes.
      In most normal circumstances at some point someone will ask you what you prefer to go by as for a lot of people it isn’t necessarily their legal first name.

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    3. Tau*

      Honestly, I’m a little puzzled by OP’s insistence that the name should be there despite the fact that she never uses it in introductions. I never introduce myself with my middle name, and I do not WANT people to call me it or for it to show up on badges etc. That’s why I don’t introduce myself with it! The idea that someone should ignore what you’ve said you’re called, learn your full legal name and then just use that instead is pretty diametrically opposed to how names work in at least the cultures I’m aware of.

      OP, why don’t you introduce yourself as Alexandra Jane?

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      1. Adam*

        I think because she doesn’t want to be called Alexandra Jane, but she does consider the Jane part of her full name. It’s like Helena Bonham Carter or whatever, I don’t think her friends call her Helena Bonham, but her full name isn’t Helena Carter.

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        1. Nocturna*

          Helena Bonham Carter’s last name is “Bonham Carter” though, so that’s not really analogous to the LW’s situation, where they want a middle name included.

          I agree with others, LW, that if you want the “Jane” included, you do need to actually use it in introductions and the like. Otherwise the societal convention that middle names aren’t usually included is going to continue prevailing.

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        2. PineRiver*

          I’ve only seen this in a few situations – famous actors (whose exact name is their brand), preppy ivy league frat boys whose social standing is based on who they’re related to, and a certain type of (usually black male) academic who would otherwise have a common name like John James Smith. The vast majority of people I can think of who go by three names are men, so I find it fascinating that OP3 doesn’t consider it a double-barreled first name!

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          1. BHO, JFK, don’t you say?*

            “preppy ivy league frat boys whose social standing Is based on who they’re related to”

            What an asinine comment. Plenty of people — like OK — go by both a first and middle name. They are not all “preppy frat boys.”

            And exceedingly few Ivy League students are obsessing over the social register as you seem to think.

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      2. Emmy Noether*

        Yeah, I had the same reaction. LW, the answer to your question “Why won’t people include my middle name?” is: because YOU don’t even include your middle name!

        (Though even if you start including it, a lot of people still won’t. You’ll have to start very pointedly including it, and probably explicitly ask for it to be included).

        Reply ↓
    4. Ariaflame*

      For many things I have dealt with there’s often a ‘preferred name’ thing for badges etc. where you could make sure this is clear.

      Reply ↓
  5. Daria grace*

    #1 along with insisting on neutral backgrounds for people you manage doing presentations, it might be worth having discussions about mindfulness around everything that might become visible on screen while presenting. Theres also sorts of problem stuff that can end up on screens like personal emails or teams messages with confidential content. If they’re oblivious about the background they might be about other things

    Reply ↓
    1. Artemesia*

      The screensaver probably needs to be turned off too. A friend who married a much older man had her wedding picture exiting the church pop up when the screen saver kicked in to photo show — her student blurted out ‘why is your father leaving the church with you?’ He was a grad student not some clueless 9th grader.

      Reply ↓
    2. AcademiaNut*

      I have a second account on my laptop that’s specifically for presentations. Between that and turning off the wifi, the chances of something personal popping up are very low.

      Reply ↓
    3. PineRiver*

      There was a US politician a few years ago (back when we used to get scandalized by normal, understandable things) who got in hot water by sharing a screenshot of a webpage and not hiding all his p0rn tabs in the background :-/

      Reply ↓
  6. Heidi*

    Is this a fancy prep school thing, giving the parents the test scores without showing the kids? When I was in elementary school, students had graded tests and report cards handed to them in class. If my parents knew and wouldn’t tell me my score, I’d probably think I did way worse than I actually did. I’m also pretty sure I’d find out my score one way or another.

    Reply ↓
    1. Nodramalama*

      Maybe its a new thing. Coz I went to private school (which I think is the same thing as a Chiltony prep school) and I always got my results

      Reply ↓
    2. Rara Avis*

      Standardized test results go to parents, not students, in my experience. I never showed them to my child. What possible use would it be for the kid to know that they’re ** percentile by national norms in reading comprehension?

      Reply ↓
      1. LJ*

        But that doesn’t mean the kid shouldn’t have a right to know their own scores. Maybe it’s a cultural thing… recalling a movie from a couple of years back, the analogy I can think of (and I realize it’s not a perfect comparison) is hiding medical diagnosis from the elderly to avoid hurting their mental state.

        Reply ↓
        1. Zelda*

          It’s a very imperfect comparison. A medical diagnosis is a fact, and test scores are… a lot squishier than that. Kids don’t have the context to interpret them with nuance, and many have absorbed the idea that standardized testing will tell whether they are “smart” or “stupid.” (Gah. As an educator I feel like I need a shower after just typing that.) Different kids, even kids with the same score, will need different presentations to understand what the score means, and more importantly doesn’t mean. So I don’t know about a “right” to see the scores, especially for the elementary school set.

          Reply ↓
          1. MK*

            Ok, but if they are tested and the parents won’t tell the scores, the child will assume they did badly and ate “stupid” anyway.

            Reply ↓
      2. Emmy Noether*

        I know this is a highly contentious topic in the US, and most of your educators hate those standard tests anyway;
        the fact that students have to take tests that often where the scores are of no use to them REALLY highlights how messed up that system is.

        Reply ↓
    3. Spencer Hastings*

      Since it’s a standardized test, as opposed to regular in-class tests, that makes sense. We had that when I was a kid — I seem to remember that the reports were mailed to us at home (with info on percentiles/whether we were eligible to apply for a gifted and talented program, that kind of thing).

      Reply ↓
    4. Potato Potato*

      I wish my high school had mailed the scores for the PSATs. Instead, they gathered us all into the auditorium with stadium seating and handed us the scores. People in the back row could see everything

      Reply ↓
    5. jinni*

      Yes. At least in my kid’s two private schools in LA. It comes in an elaborate email. I’ve never shared them, and the schools here have a culture of not talking about it. However when I was a kid a billion years ago in NYC private schools, I knew them. But they came home with me in an envelope and my mother was very much into achievement. Either way I’ve never heard of standardized scores being discussed among students!

      Reply ↓
    6. Zelda*

      Ours were always mailed. I think the main reason for that is to make sure parents actually see them; there’s always a certain percentage of kids who just wouldn’t deliver them.

      Reply ↓
  7. K*

    #1 “No personal messages on screens” rule – does it mean no personal messages whatsoever? I have Ukrainian flag and coat of arms as a screensaver on work computer, is it inappropriate? Will a rainbow flag also be inappropriate?

    Reply ↓
    1. Free Meerkats*

      For your normal day to day work, I don’t see either of those as a problem. If you are presenting, representing your employer, see my comment below.

      Reply ↓
      1. K*

        I do not do trainings and outside of the the company, but I sometimes train and onboard new hires, or meet the vendor representatives to negotiate purchasing equipment or services.

        Reply ↓
        1. Allonge*

          I would stick to standard company / Windows / nature backgrounds for these (or pay a lot of attention to not sharing the backgound).

          It’s a distraction from the onboarding or meeting and I would find it so even when I agree with the politics it represents. I don’t particularly want to see people’s family photos when they are presenting for work either.

          Reply ↓
        2. Sammi*

          If those people are seeing your screensaver then yes, it would be inappropriate. My company controls the desktop background and screensaver of all our computers/laptops etc for this reason. We all get the same boring corporate designs but it prevents inappropriate choices and creates consistency.

          You could always have a separate profile with a boring generic background/screensaver to use for such situations. BBC

          Reply ↓
    2. Roeslein*

      Agree, I have never heard of parents being able to withhold results from *the person who sat the exam*. It’s good for them, especially if they are a perfectionist, to learn how to cope and move on from this kind of situation in a relatively low-stakes (it sounds like) setting and their parents can support them in that. I certainly which I’d learnt this at a younger age! Keeping the results a secret makes it seem like underperforming while sick is somehow shameful which it’s not.

      Reply ↓
  8. Tracy*

    I think you should tell kid their scores. That said, ask your kid about the score. You really don’t know at this point how he found out. I wouldn’t possibly blow up someone’s job over this.

    Reply ↓
  9. Roeslein*

    OP #3, I have a hyphenated first name, say Rose-Mary, but only use the second half, Mary at work (although I do use my full first name on official documents). I always sign my emails and introduce myself as Mary,but I don’t mind if people use Rose-Mary. What annoys me is when despite all of this people just randomly decide to call me Rose. It’s not my name! Usually I don’t even realise they mean me. It happens surpringly often, especially with vendors and certain geographies. How hard can it be to check how someone signs off their emails / introduces themselves / asks to be addressed and go from there?

    Reply ↓
  10. But Of Course*

    For letter 2: assuming your school received federal funding, FERPA makes HIPAA look like a fun walk in the park. Please follow Alison’s advice and report it. Whoever is violating FERPA needs to stop before the consequences are even more serious.

    Reply ↓
    1. Nodramalama*

      It’s also possible nobody violated anything and Jack found out his results, or the kids intuited his scores were lower.

      Reply ↓
  11. Reindeer Hut Hostess*

    Alexandra Jane is a beautiful name, but you are indeed fighting an uphill battle in a world where the tendency is to shorten names in a more informal way.

    I would guess that the majority of Western women’s names are 1-2 syllables (Ava, Kristen, Angie, Michelle, Taylor, etc.) or perhaps 3 syllables (Jennifer, Stephanie, Addison, Evelyn, Emily, etc.). You’re asking people to work extra hard (I know…in an easy kind of way, but still extra) to say a lovely but formal, two-part, five-syllable name, and one that is so easily and typically shortened in an obvious way to Alex. Or in your case, even something like AJ would be easy. Saying your full, preferred name is almost counter-intuitive to what we’re used to doing, and as lovely as it sounds, it doesn’t exactly roll of the tongue in an easy way.

    Is your frustration with verbal, in-person interactions, or is it more with written materials, or both? If verbal, I wonder if you could gently but consistently remind/correct/nudge people with “It’s Alexandra Jane…nice to meet you as well…”

    If I’m getting to know you and you remind me a few times, I’ll eventually pick up what you’re putting down and FINALLY come around. But it could take a few tries.

    Reply ↓
  12. Free Meerkats*

    #1 Previous Job had standardized backgrounds and slide formats for any presentation. I presented at conferences on a regular basis and all my slides and computer backgrounds were those as I was representing my employer. For the LW, if you get that job, you can implement that rule and no one will feel they are being singled out.

    Reply ↓
    1. ThatOtherClare*

      My workplace has taken it one step further and enforced standardised desktop backgrounds and screensavers. I used to find it annoying, but I got over it. I personalise my work spaces in other ways.

      It helps that they made the entertainingly odd choice of using a photograph of a Manila folder instead of paying for a stock photo, so the generic solid beige desktop image has a big crease across the top. It’s so professionally unprofessional, somehow.

      Reply ↓
  13. Jean Valjean*

    LW3, if you introduce yourself as Alexandra and everyone calls you Alexandra, no one is going to think to include your middle name on badges or documents unless the documents require your full legal name. I work in a field where it’s very common for people to include their middle initial on official name things, and it still wouldn’t be intuitive for anyone to put it on a name badge at a conference or anything like that. So I think you either need to resign yourself to correcting everyone every time they leave your middle name out and hope it sticks or you need to let it go most of the time. I say this as someone with a hyphenated last name that has confused people for decades–they use only one of the names, one or both of them is spelled wrong, I get called Mrs. Hyphenated Last Name because people make assumptions (I’m not married)–trust me, if you let it bother you every time, you’re just going to be at a low level of anger for the rest of your life.

    Reply ↓
  14. Despachito*

    LW2 – I’d have a word with Milo’s father, or possibly with Milo himself.

    You do not know for sure whether it was him who leaked the information. If it was really him, he is a half-decent person and knows Milo’s tuition is at stake there is a chance it will never happen again. If it wasn’t him you would be possibly able to figure out together what might have happened.

    I would think twice before I set in motion something that could possibly jeopardize my son’s best friend education. I don’t say I would never do it, but in this case the damage done is real (I am asking myself what kind of friend Milo is to “tease” his perfectionist friend about bad results and trying to one-up him) but not so egregious to have him potentially fired (if his father is found guilty, let go and can’t afford Milo’s tuition anymore). I think that you have enough ammunition to stop it without going to the higher-ups.

    Reply ↓
  15. talos*

    LW3, I can’t consistently get people to spell my name right, they insist on using extremely rare, non-phonetic wrong spellings instead of the common, phonetic spelling I actually use.

    Which is to say – good luck. You need it.

    Reply ↓
  16. Glen*

    I would think such an overtly religious background is unacceptable in the workplace even if it doesn’t accidentally get projected in a training session!

    Reply ↓
    1. Tinkerbell*

      Unfortunately, this can be a cultural thing – here in Alabama, people will often look at you like you have two heads if you ask them to consider that some people around them might not be Christian. Authority figures may brush off your complaints because OBVIOUSLY evangelizing at work is okay, and if they do tell your coworker to knock it off, you may find yourself in a very chilly office :-/

      Reply ↓
  17. Chocolate Teapot*

    3 For some odd reason, when I started my new job, the IT department decided that my email address would use my full name, except that my second name has never appeared in email addresses before. Not to mention I had to correct people who called me by my second name!

    Reply ↓
  18. Zelda*

    #4, I have done this, but with the specific field rather than the actual word “relevant.” As in, “teaching experience” and “other experience,” or “laboratory experience” and “other experience,” according to which sort of job I was applying for.

    Reply ↓
  19. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

    #1 Obnoxious trainer. That would seriously irritate and distract me.
    Personally I would have said something when the first quote appeared:

    “Excuse me but you’ve forgotten personal stuff in your background. It’s distracting so can you remove it please”

    If there were too many senior people, clients etc present, then I would have collared him the first break and been blunter:
    “Please remove the religious quotes from your background. They are unprofessional and distracting”

    Reply ↓
  20. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

    #3 I had the opposite problem at FinalJob, which was in Germany, where hyphened forenames are common:

    I have the middle name (not) Shahira, so for 30 years my name in EM, payroll etc was Vulcan-Shahira Khalil. Colleagues soon learned to call me just Vulcan, because taking the first part of a forename is common for convenience. However, in all formal records and communications the hyphen could not be removed. 30 years *sigh.

    tldr: it is very difficult to go against customary naming conventions, but particularly so when the custom is to go shorter.

    Reply ↓

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