weekend open thread – September 14-15, 2024

by Alison Green on September 13, 2024

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Colored Television, by Danzy Senna. An author struggling to finish her book gets sidetracked by Hollywood. It’s a satirical take on race, marriage, career, writing, friendship, and betrayal.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

  2. nnn*

    Reading thread! Share recommendations and ask for them.

    I would like recommendations for literary fiction with a time travel element. Or something really cozy in the vein of the House in the Cerulean Sea.

      1. Sparkle llama*

        I loved How to Stop Time by Matt Haig. It is about a man who ages extremely slowly who learns about others who are like him and struggles to be a part of regular humanity or the secret group of people like him. Jumps around over the last several hundred years. So not technically time travel, but has those vibes.

        1. Fellow Traveller*

          I really likes How to Stop Time as well- much more than Haig’s other books. It didn’t feel as prescriptive as his other stuff.

    2. cleo*

      This Is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone is a hard to categorize time travel book that I absolutely loved.

      Here’s a bit of my GR review:
      The world building is dense and the world and story that the reader is dropped into is unapologetically weird and bloody. The gore gave me pause but the humor convinced me to keep reading. And before I knew it I was halfway done and completely captivated.

      This is the story of two top agents fighting on opposing sides of a bloody and complicated time war and their unlikely correspondence. Their secret letters start off taunting and turn into something else. Both agents are beyond human. I don’t want to say more because part of the pleasure of this book is how everything unfolds and becomes more clear.

      As a history nerd I loved all of the casual references to historical events and figures from around the world. And I loved the what if questions posed by the time agents trying to make small changes in the past to make big changes in the future.

    3. chocolate muffins*

      I loved The Time Traveler’s Wife, though some people find it creepy. Not scary-creepy but the main relationship, between characters who at some points in the story have a large age gap between them, doesn’t sit right with some folks.

      2. Bike Walk Barb*

        At the time I read it I didn’t tune into that. I remember it as one of the most haunting books I’ve ever read, with certain scenes still in my memory decades after reading it.

    4. Mitchell Hundred*

      I just started “Supergods” by Grant Morrison. It’s basically a quick trip through the history of superhero comics spliced with the author’s analysis of the most famous characters and the works they appear in. My preferences lean towards non-superhero comics, but Morrison is undoubtedly one of the most influential writers to work in the genre over the past few decades, so I’m quite interested in what they have to say.

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      Finishing up Crying in H Mart. So lovely but not the best choice at work, as I get teary eyed and then try not to be wobbly voiced on the phone.

      Also starting the Library of America collection of Crime Novels: American Noir of the 1930s and 40s. I’ve got a few of these collections, some all one author and some like this one, an assortment. This has The Postman Always Rings Twice, They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? Thieves Like Us, The Big Clock, Nightmare Alley and I Married a Dead Man.

      I find these novels fascinating not only as the source of so many stories I only knew as films, but as great examples of experimental fiction (especially Nightmare Alley.) The language and attitudes towards race and gender, though, are hardly enlightened a lot of the time, so it’s best to go in knowing that.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          They are! It’s a real trip down what are now cliches’ of the genre, for sure.

          Megan Abbott wrote a book/thesis called The Street Was Mine that analyzes this kind of fiction: it is fascinating.

    7. Deuce of Gears*

      Alan Lightman’s Einstein’s Dreams, which is a literary series of meditations about Einstein and conceptuals of time and relativity.

    8. Fellow Traveller*

      For time travel- I read The Ministry of Time earlier this year and thought it was fantastic. Centers around a British government department that pulls people from the past to live in the present. A bit of a workplace comedy, a bit of a political thriller, a bit of a romance. I really loved it.
      Just finished reading Homegoing- I thought it loses a little steam at the end, but was every bit as haunting and powerful as people say it is.
      Next I’m reading You Dream of Empires, historical fiction about Mexico City in the time of Conquistadors.

      1. carcinization*

        So interesting — for your first paragraph, I was like, “I just read/liked that too!” but then got confused when I looked at the release date… what I just read was Willis’ To Say Nothing of the Dog! Upon reflection, it’s more about people from the present or future living in the past, but the other parts fit.

    9. RosyGlasses*

      I’m still working my way through the Mrs Pollifax series – they are just so delightful and definitely cozy.

      I also am halfway through “The Murders of Great Diddling” which I snagged at our little local bookstore and it is an interesting read. Set in a little English town called Great Diddling, where nothing ever really happens, except that then a murder does. There is a writer who has writer’s block that just moved to the village, and an assistant that shows up who isn’t very brave at all, but they are all learning to find themselves. I’m quite enjoying it.

      For Time Travel book recommendations, I quite liked the sci-fi/fantasy trilogy called Pathfinder by Orson Scott Card.

      1. Festively Dressed Earl*

        I got the first Mrs. Pollifax book from Alison’s recommendations and just finished it. It was so delightful and fun and cozy!

    10. Rara Avis*

      For a long time I’ve been intending to read something by Cassandra Clare (because my father went out with her mother in college); I finally started The Sword Catcher.

    11. Festively Dressed Earl*

      The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V.E. Schwab. Not exactly time travel but a very long-lived main character. In 1714, Addie LaRue is desperate to escape her small French village and see more of the world. On the eve of her arranged marriage, she makes a deal with a mysterious stranger: she’ll get to live as long as she wants, but no one will remember her and she cannot tell anyone her name. Thus begin 3 centuries of privation and luxury, art and ugliness and music and revolution, endless beginnings of great friendships or passionate love affairs that are doomed to only one evening, and enormous loneliness. Until.

      That Self Same Metal by Brittany Williams. It’s not easy being Black in King James’ London, unless of course your entire family has been blessed by the Orisha. The Sands family is content to run their gold working business buoyed by Mr Sands’ skill at metal working and by Mrs. Sands ability to teleport. As for Joan, she’s happy choreographing sword fights for the Kings’ Men, a troupe that features one William Shakespeare. But Joan’s godfather is kidnapped and the fey hiding in London are becoming more dangerous by the day; it’s up to the Sands to stop them.

      Fuzzy Nation by John Scalzi Debarred attorney Jack Holloway strikes an incredibly rich seam of rare gemstones while mining on a corporate planet. Eureka! The problem is that Jack is also adopted by some adorable catlike creatures he names Fuzzies. And the longer the Fuzzies hang around, the more Jack is convinced that they’re fully sentient, which means these mischievous little creatures are standing directly in the way of a giant corporation ready to denude the Fuzzy’s planet of all its wealth — at any cost.

      1. Balanceofthemis*

        Fuzzy Nation was good. It’s a sort of rewrite of the first book of an older science fiction series by H. Beam Piper. The series is called Fuzzy Sapiens, which is also the name of the second book. Little Fuzzy is the first book.

        This was the first science fiction series my dad gave me to read. I really enjoyed them.

        1. Pam Adams*

          It’s absolutely a rewrite of Little Fuzzy. Scalia did it for fun, and then got the permission of the Upper estate to publish it.

          I’m rereading several of the Liaden books- they are comfort reads for me.

          New is a collection of short stories by Seanan Mcguire, The Proper Thing.

    12. Professor Dame Cornelia Gruntfuttock*

      Blackout/All Clear (a single novel in two volumes) by Connie Willis. It combines time travel and the Second World War and I found it utterly compelling.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        There’s also To Say Nothing Of The Dog, also by Connie Willis, which I think is a lighter work and close(r) to cosy fiction.

        1. CityMouse*

          Doomsday Book, though, has to be one of the saddest books I’ve ever read. I haven’t read it since Covid and I have to imagine the vibes are different. Willis is a tough one to predict.

          1. Mephyle*

            Yet for me this isn’t a reason to skip it. Some v. v. sad books I didn’t want to read a second time even if they were wonderful. But Doomsday Book I can come back to when I’m in the right mood (like re-watching a movie you know is going to make you cry).

            1. goddessoftransitory*

              I read it on Christmas every year (since its set at that season of the year.) It’s certainly a different read post Covid, but still as compelling and wonderful.

          2. Reluctant Mezzo*

            Every time our church has the bell ringers come in, I think of them ringing Kivrin home…and tear up.

          3. Six Feldspar*

            Yeah I first read that around 2019 iirc, it’s a great story but I’ll let it sit for a few years before I pick it up again

      2. Mephyle*

        All of the above.

        I also want to say that To Say Nothing of the Dog has to be read at least a second time. Even to hint at why this is so would be a spoiler.

        Also it heightens the appreciation of this book if you’ve read Three Men and a Boat, and some Golden Age British mysteries, particularly a string of Agatha Christies and certain Dorothy L. Sayers.

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        I love all her time travel books! I recommend starting with her short novella Fire Watch if starting out with them–it’s in her short story collection of the same name. It introduces the concept and some of the main characters in a succinct fashion and is a compelling story.

      4. Mephyle*

        I found out about the Chronicles of St. Marys series by Jodi Taylor from a past books thread here.

        I mention them in this subthread because the premise is similar to Connie Willis’s – a college of time-traveling historians – but different enough that they don’t feel derivative, and the mood is different – more violent, more sex, and funny in a different way. Not better, nor less good, but different, and very enjoyable. I haven’t got far in the series, so I can’t comment on the direction it takes or whether the quality keeps up.

      5. carcinization*

        Oh gosh, I mentioned To Say Nothing of the Dog upthread and now realize I should have been posting about it down here! Oh well!

    13. Helvetica*

      “The 7½ Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle” was quite intriguing and time-travelly, and the mystery in the middle of it was fascinating to follow and try to figure out.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Ooooh! That reminds me of another good time travel story: The First Fifteen Lives of Harry August by Claire North. Every time Harry dies, he ‘wakes up’ as a child with all the knowledge and memories of the previous lives lived. Near the end of his 11th life, a mysterious visitor gives him a message that changes what he does next. It’s unputdownable!

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Ooooh, and one more – Making History by Stephen Fry (yes, that Stephen Fry). A history student and physicist realize they have the ability to travel in time. They decide to interfere with a pivotal 19th century birth, intending to make the world a better place. It goes horribly wrong. It’s fast paced and witty cautionary tale. Loved it!

    14. Jamie Starr*

      Heat and Other Stories by Joyce Carol Oates. I found it on the pay-what-you-wish shelf at the library and have never read any of her work. I’m only two stories in. I like her writing style, but not sure about the content yet.

      Do you have any favorite JCO books? (Besides Blonde, which I’m not interested in reading.)

      I can’t help with any time traveling suggestions because sci-fi, fantasy, time-traveling are all genres I don’t like to read. :-)

    15. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Someone here recommended a book by T. J. Newman a few weeks back, and I read that one and subsequently their others. This morning I just finished Worst Case Scenario and am bawling because I’m a sucker for “self-sacrifice to literally save the world” scenarios, but I would recommend them to anyone who likes thrillers. (But the author is a former flight attendant and they all involve plane crashes to some extent so maybe don’t read them if you have travel coming up any time soon and get twitchy.)

    16. Seashell*

      I’m reading The Friday Afternoon Club by Griffin Dunne, a memoir about his family. It’s OK so far, but I think it’s going to be too long to read before it goes back to the library.

      1. ICodeForFood*

        Ooh, I have that on my list… is it just “ok” but not great? The review I read made it sound really good…

        1. Seashell*

          I’d say it’s interesting so far, but I’m not dying to pick it back up when I put it down. I’m 11% into it per the Kindle app.

    17. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Finished Joan Didion’s *Democracy*, about the romance between a hard-bitten (CIA-affiliated?) soldier of fortune type and an upper-crust political wife, set against the international political collapses of the late 1960s to the mid-1970s. I felt like I was missing some context because I was too young to remember the fall of Saigon (and Phnom Penh). I think the book would hit harder if you remembered those events personally. It kept me reading, but I liked *Play It as It Lays* better.)

      Based on a recommendation here, I started Percival Everett’s *Dr. No* about a mild-mannered mathematician at Brown who gets swept up with a wanna-be Jame Bond villain. There is a lot of philosophy, which is not really my cup of tea, entwined with the main narrative, even more than in the other books of Everett’s I’ve read. That said, if I just skim the philosophical parts, I am enjoying the main narrative, and Everett has some very funny lines. If you like philosophical questions, you’ll probably love this book.

      2. word nerd*

        I tried out Dr. No this week too and gave up about 20% in. I wasn’t really clicking with the absurdist humor. It also seems like I’m the only person who didn’t love James!

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          If you’re not enjoying the humor, then I think you definitely made the right decision! It was those bits of humor that kept me reading. I finished the book this morning and found the ending a bit unsatisfying/ambiguous too (as I did with the endings of *James* and *Erasure*). Maybe Everett doesn’t like endings? (Or maybe I just don’t like ambiguity.)

    19. GoryDetails*

      Some time-travel books I’ve enjoyed (and that haven’t already been mentioned, or I’d be including Connie Willis):

      All Our Wrong Todays by Elan Mastai: It’s about a man who lives in an idyllic 2016 – the kind that the folks of the 1950s imagined, with loads of sleek technology, limitless free power, and very few remaining social problems. But after making use of the first time machine, the man causes a dramatic shift in reality, and finds himself in *our* 2016!

      The book takes us through the background of all this, including the string of circumstances that resulted in an untrained and clumsy young man being put in a position to upend a highly significant experiment in time travel, with shattering results. And then it follows Tom through his efforts to find a way to fix things – all the while wondering if he should even try to restore “his” reality, as he makes friends and finds love in the new one…

      There’s some meta-fun here too, as the story is told by Tom – but in alternate realities we may be dealing with a very different “Tom”, and sometimes the story gets muddled. But I enjoyed the layers and the different characters and the timey-wimey story.

      Then there’s the graphic novel I Killed Adolph Hitler by Jason, a Norwegian artist with a distinctive style (including characters who are humans-with-animal-heads) and a very dry, sometimes bizarre type of storytelling. I really love his work! This one’s themed on the go-back-in-time-and-kill-Hitler-before-WWII concept, which never seems to work the way people hope it will, but it unfolds in Jason’s iconic style and is very entertaining (and surprisingly touching in places). It opens with a woman lying on a bed fully clothed, talking out a sexual encounter; at the same time, a man aims a rifle out of the window. After he’s made the hit (and she’s lit a cigarette), his first line changes the tone of the situation considerably. [The whiplash effect is one of the things I enjoy about this artist; even when a storyline seems predictable, the panel-to-panel events can be impossible to predict!]

      Another one that I found interesting – but that I didn’t love as much as the previous two:

      The Company of the Dead by David J. Kowalski, in which someone tries to go back in time to prevent the sinking of the Titanic – by giving some really good binoculars to the man who will be on watch at the key moment. It’s very convoluted and, for me, gets too messy in the middle, but I enjoyed the beginning and the ending quite a lot – and it is a somewhat different take on the usual “make right what once went wrong” plot.

      Oh, and Jack Finney’s Time And Again, in which one can pretty much “think” one’s self into the past by surrounding one’s self with period clothing and furniture and immersing one’s self in period newspapers and art… There’s a bit more to it than that, but it turns out it works – with, of course, consequences. (There’s a sequel novel that wasn’t as successful as the first one, imo.)

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Wasn’t that the novel that formed the basis of the movie Somewhere in Time? (Time and Again, that is.)

        1. GoryDetails*

          No, “Somewhere in Time” was based on a Richard Matheson book, Bid Time Return. Though I would like to see a film adaptation of Time And Again!

    21. GoryDetails*

      Current reads include:

      Meet Me At The Museum by Anne Youngson, an epistolary novel about a somewhat-discontented British farm wife and a Danish museum employee, who connect via – of all things – the Tollund Man, one of the most iconic of the “bog bodies”. Their long-distance friendship grows as they diverge from the bog bodies and chat about more personal aspects of their lives, and it’s a surprisingly charming story.

      The Pirate and the Porcelain Girl by Emily Riesbeck and NJ Barna, a graphic novel set in a magical world, in which a girl who prays to be “beautiful and interesting” in order to get her ex-girlfriend to take her back is transformed into a living but fragile porcelain girl. Desperate to reach her ex, she hires an orcish pirate captain, who has her own problems – but is willing to take on a passenger in exchange for plenty of gold. Entertaining fantasy-romance, with pirates!

    22. Nervous Nellie*

      nnn, a super time travel story is The Other Valley by Scott Alexander Howard. Identical towns with a tight border between them are 20 years apart in time. A town council decides who gets to travel between them. A young girl realizes that unauthorized guests from the neighboring town have been admitted…..and yay, it’s a Canadian book, which I always love.

      Still glowing from Ruth Ozeki’s A Tale for the Time Being (wow, just…wow), I have landed back on earth with a bang, with Percival Everett’s book Dr. No. I’ve said before what a powerhouse Everett is, but get this -this is the plot: a mathematician who is an expert on mathematical nothing/null/zero encounters a criminal who has a plan to steal an empty shoebox from Fort Knox, the gold reserve, and thus control nothing. That will activate a diabolical plan. Yes, it messes with your mind! It’s nuts, and witty and really smart. After Erasure (which was made into the great film American Fiction) I am eager to read everything Everett has written. Lots of read-and-laugh-aloud lines and math humor. OK!

    23. Person from the Resume*

      I just read (listened to audiobook) of A Great Country by Shilpi Somaya Gowda. Loved it. Very engaging.

      For the Shah parents, who came to America twenty years earlier with little more than an education and their new marriage, this move represents the culmination of years of hard work and dreaming. For their children, born and raised in America, success is not so simple.

      For the most part, these differences among the five members of the Shah family are minor irritants, arguments between parents and children, older and younger siblings. But one Saturday night, the twelve-year-old son is arrested. The fallout from that event will shake each family member’s perception of themselves as individuals, as community members, as Americans, and will lead each to consider: how do we define success? At what cost comes ambition? And what is our role and responsibility in the cultural mosaic of modern America?

      For readers of The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett and Such a Fun Age by Kiley Reid, A Great Country explores themes of immigration, generational conflict, social class and privilege as it reconsiders the myth of the model minority and questions the price of the American dream.

    24. Maestra*

      For time travel, you may like Just One Damned Thing After Another by Jodi Taylor. It’s a whole series, though I’ve only read the first book, one of my librarian friends loves the whole series.

    25. Pikachu22*

      The House in the Cerulean Sea has a sequel that was released this week! I just finished it and loved it as much as the first one!

    26. RedinSC*

      Katie MacAlister has some fund time travel-ish books,. The Art of Stealing Time, the Time Thief and Time Crossed.

    27. Bike Walk Barb*

      Kate Atkinson’s Life After Life and the quasi-sequel A God in Ruins are sort of time travel, sort of do-overs, set during World War II. Made me cry.

    28. Evvy*

      More speculative/SFF than literary but Jo Walton’s Thessaly series is time travel (as well as so many other things!! Classics, philosophy, feminism, ROBOTS…) and what I’ve just finished reading this week. I loved these books sooo much! Definitely not fluffy like House in the Cerulean Sea but will leave you super uplifted about the future of humanity

    29. Khai of the Fortress of the Winds*

      I loved Kage Baker’s The Company series, starting with the Garden of Iden. The Company rescues people who were fated to die from all different eras, trains them in a secret facility and then sends them out to do “research” and to steal missing treasures from across time.

      1. Autumn*

        So nice to see a mention of Kage Baker! I loved that series. Also her Anvil of the World. Gone too early.

    30. lilybeth*

      my best recent cozy read was Welcome to the Hyunam-Dong Bookshop by Huang Bo-Reum. It’s not fantasy but there’s that sense of just lingering with the characters and caring about their particular lives, and the stakes are their happiness/figuring out their way forward, not saving the universe, much like Cerulean Sea. Also, Becky Chambers Monk & Robot duology is great cozy sci-fi, & would go well with Cerulean Sea.

      I am also just so high right now on Samantha Harvey’s Orbital, which is literary fiction but feels similar intimate/gentle–it’s one day on the International Space Station, but the focus is both on the astronauts there and their loves/frustrations/longings, but also about what it is to be human and from this complicated planet, and the mundane and the vast sit side by side in it.

    31. IzzyTheCat*

      I loved Susanna Kearsley’s The Rose Garden, in which the main character buys a house in Cornwall and keeps slipping back in time to the 1700s.

    32. RosyGlasses*

      I also forgot about “Before the Coffee Gets Cold” for a cozy time traveling book. A collection of short stories that have a slight throughline – written by a lovely Japanese author.

  3. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Small joys thread!

    I took my dog to the low dock by the river and he briefly went in! He looked SO proud of himself when he successfully climbed back out.

    I wonder why it is so much fun to be the first to post in a day.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I learned this week that Pop Goes the Weasel is actually (probably) a spinning song. A weasel is, basically, a yarn-holding wheel with a gear-based measuring system – you wind newly spun yarn onto it, and as the gears process, every so many (usually 20) rotations, it makes a loud POP noise. Each POP is approximately 40 yards (depending on the specifics of each weasel) so you count the POPs and you know how much yarn you have.

      All around the mulberry bush – rotating the weasel to load the yarn on
      The monkey chased the weasel – the gears advance as it rotates
      The monkey (the version I remember references an elephant gun, which is probably not applicable, but as it gets to 20x…)
      POP goes the weasel!

      All that to say – I found an antique weasel in good shape for sale near me, and I’m going to pick it up tomorrow. :)

      2. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

        As a wee nipper in England I was taught only the verse which I was told was about poor people struggling to afford food (:( some things never change ) The price of rice suggest 18/19th century:

        Half a pound of tuppenny rice,
        Half a pound of treacle.
        That’s the way the money goes,
        Pop! Goes the weasel.

        1. Irish Teacher.*

          Yeah, I heard it was about pawning stuff, that to “pop” something meant to pawn it and…I can’t remember what I heard a “weasel” was.

          So it was “that’s the way the money goes and you run out and have to pawn something,” and the “in and out the Eagle” would presumable refer to spending money in the pub?

          But googling indicates there are a lot of different interpretations.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Fair, that’s why I hedged my bets with “probably” :) either way, the combination of learning this interpretation and the find was my small joy for the week.

            1. Irish Teacher.*

              Yeah, it is definitely interesting. I never heard of the spinning interpretation before and could well be true.

          3. londonedit*

            Yes, ‘Up and down the City Road, in and out the Eagle’ definitely refers to being in and out of the pub.

        2. Ellis Bell*

          I’ve always thought the connection to spinning was strong because of the reference to thread and needle, but it definitely veers off and starts talking about other things. There’s loads of really vague underworld slang in it, apparently no one really knew what it meant even when it first became popular but the connection with poverty is clear because they’re counting money all the way through. The only part which ever sounded clear to me is that “in and out the Eagle” is referring to a pub. I’ve heard “pop goes the weasel” is thought to both be a phrase which means “that’s how life goes” or “oh drat” but with a double meaning because to pop stuff means to pawn stuff and a weasel was slang for a coat. It makes sense to me that the phrase means “uh oh” and probably originated in spinning (where else does a weasel go pop?) but was used to refer to other things going wrong in life too, a bit like sports phrases.

    2. chocolate muffins*

      The weather has been beautiful here and I am really enjoying the last bits of warmth before autumn really gets here.

    3. Bibliovore*

      I know this sounds small but…
      I went to the fish market and got sushi grade salmon.
      For dinner, I had a home-made poke bowl with sushi rice and home-made Japanese pickles.
      AND the Asian market had my favorite daikon kimchi AND my favorite very hard-to-find furikake.
      Sounds small but it was a big accomplishment for me.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      It’s finally cooling off and raining! Not a minute too soon for the fires and air quality.

      I’m looking forward to making my favorite fall dishes that are too heavy or require too much oven/stove time for summer. Especially Three Sisters quesadillas, that need roasted squash!

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            As promised: 3 Sisters Quesadillas

            1 cup mashed roasted butternut or acorn squash
            1 15 oz can black beans, rinsed and drained
            1 cup corn, fresh or frozen
            1/2 cup cotija cheese
            4 cloves minced garlic
            1/3 cup red onion, thin sliced
            2 Tbsp chili powder
            1 Tbsp cumin
            Juice of 1 lime
            1 1/2 cups shredded Mexican cheese
            8 6″ flour tortillas

            Heat oven to 425 degrees.

            Slice squash in half lengthwise, pierce skin with fork. Place flesh side down on baking sheet covered with parchment paper. Roast 20-25 minutes or until soft and can be poked all the way through.* Remove and set aside to cool.

            In large bowl, assemble the mashed squash, black beans, corn, cotija cheese, garlic, red onions, seasoning and lime juice. Mix well.

            Place tortillas on flat surface. Sprinkle with shredded cheese, add layer of mixture, top with more cheese, put on second tortilla for lid. Assemble until you have 4 quesadillas.

            Preheat large nonstick skillet over Medium High heat. Add light coating of oil. Cook quesadillas until lightly browned, about 3 minutes. Flip carefully and cook second side until browned and cheese is melted.

            *About the squash: the main problem with this recipe is you end up with about four times as much roasted squash as you need. So it’s best to use this as a way to use up squash you have already, have plans for the rest of it, or freeze the leftovers. DON’T buy pre frozen squash—I tried it and it was dreadful. Also, Husband claims the squash needed a lot more time than listed to roast fully, so it’s best to keep an eye on it.

            1. Zelda*

              Awesome! I grow my own pumpkins, so we frequently have roasted squash on hand (and my sekrit plan for the zombie apocalypse involves annexing a neighbor’s yard to upscale into a three sisters garden). Thank you so much!

      2. anon24*

        I was just telling a co-worker this week that all I want is for it to be cold, rainy, and for me to be home with nowhere to go and nothing to do so I can wrap up in a blanket with a cup of tea and enjoy the coziness.

    6. Old Plant Woman*

      I was wandering around the pet friendly patio at my favorite pub\food cart pod when I meet a bored preteen girl with a bearded dragon. I’ve had reptiles and could come up with conversation. Met her parents and got to hold Baby and love on her. Great fun. When I got back to my husband, he said he thought I was on the lam for pup napping.

    7. RagingADHD*

      A friend had an extra ticket to Cirque de Soleil and invited me along. It was so delightful I told my husband and kids we *have* to go this weekend. So I get to see it twice!

    8. Shakti*

      Both my children kindergarten and 6th grade got excellent high marks on their interim report cards! They both started new or in the kindergartner’s case started school for the first time and we had no idea if they’d like it. They love it and are thriving!

    9. Cookies For Breakfast*

      One of our skittish, untouchable foster cats started asking for scritches on the sofa in the evening, and even sleeping next to us while we watch TV.

      It’s like a switch flipped overnight since we came back from holidays. Could it be that she missed us? We’ve had her for five months and I hope her sister will learn from her too.

      1. Cat and dog fosterer*

        I am so very happy for you! When they decide to trust it really is a switch and suddenly they become much more friendly. It is the best feeling!!

        The little rescue I help has had numerous adoptions in the past couple weeks!! Adoptions are always non-existant over summer for most rescues and there are a lot in September when people return from vacations. Yet there is a nagging worry in summer that there won’t be any in fall, so it’s good news when it happens! The adoptions volunteers are overwhelmed for a month and then it’ll be less stressful.

    10. Six Feldspar*

      I’m almost at the end of eleven days off work! It’s been a great week:
      – went to art galleries and the aquarium (if anyone is in Austalian Melbourne, go visit to see Pesto the giant baby penguin!)
      – did some specialised shopping
      – henna’d my hair
      – did my taxes and cleaned out my emails and files
      – worked on my craft projects (some of it two steps forward one step back but this is how we learn!)

    11. Helvetica*

      I got the last limited edition Starbucks pumpkin mug! I don’t need more mugs, really, but I think it is exceedingly adorable and I missed out last year. This one was the display mug but who cares, I can wash it. They go for a ridiculous price on the after-market, so I am glad I happened upon it at the right moment.

    12. BellaStella*

      Right now my 11year old kitty is sleeping on a blanket which is warmed from underneath with a hot water bottle. She is snoring a tiny bit.

      1. BellaStella*

        Oh and how could I forget: this week overall was a big joy for me including a nice message from a pop star, good outcomes that I hoped for on some personal things, and hiking a lot today!

    13. Monkey's Paw Manicure*

      I downloaded a chart of boat horn signals, so now when I hear them honking in the harbor I know what’s going on.

        1. Monkey's Paw Manicure*

          Five short blasts in succession = I do not understand your intentions

          That’s not what the people would be actually saying.

    14. AGD*

      I was eating my lunch on a bench when a bunch of neighborhood 10-year-olds wandered by. One of them noticed my food and went, “OH YEAH, SUSHI, SO GOOD!” It made my day.

    16. Girasol*

      On a whim I bought an inexpensive steel tongue drum – a 15 note mass production one from Amazon. I wasn’t sure if I’d really like it but every time I walk by it I grab the mallets and start pinging away on it. It makes a bell-like tone kind of like a marimba and is quite habit forming.

    17. dontbeadork*

      Listening to one of my pups woofling in her sleep. Her paws are twitching and she makes the funniest muffled barks!

    18. WoodswomanWrites*

      I got my first email since last winter from the birding lists I’m on. This one is about a festival focused on the migratory sandhill cranes who will be coming soon. They’re just one species that makes up the millions of birds–ducks, geese, swans, raptors, etc. in California’s Central Valley.

      They’re almost here again, so excited to spend a bunch of winter weekends staring at them!

    19. anon24*

      I splurged some money I didn’t really have on ordering some inexpensive jeans because I don’t have any pants that fit me anymore after I lost 50 lbs in the last year due to stress. I had no idea what my size is, so I guessed.

      Size 6… and they fit perfectly and look amazing. I haven’t been a size 6 in years. I found the silver lining to my rain cloud :)

    20. Festively Dressed Earl*

      New board game! Just picked up our copy of Stellar Drift (and got to play with the game’s creator!) and am now happily plotting dinner-and-game evenings for the stormy nights this week.

    21. Miss Buttons*

      My small joy is that I’ve been doing 30 minute walks this week with no shortness of breath or major fatigue. Recovering from July pneumonia diagnosis, and still regaining strength months after my chemotherapy and radiation ended in February. For so long I could only manage 10 or 15 minute walks because of the exhaustion. I was a 10,000 steps a day walker before cancer. So this progress is a really big deal for me. Actually a very large joy. Yay!

      1. Bethlam*

        Congratulations! I finished treatment in April and the docs warned me it would take 9-12 months to get back to full pre- cancer strength. Didn’t quite believe them, but a few times overdoing in a day and being wiped out the next couple of days convinced me I needed to make haste slowly.

        It’s wonderful that you’re experiencing progress. Go you!

    22. Angstrom*

      Cycling on dirt roads through foliage that’s just starting to turn autumn colors. A lovely way to spend a September morning.

  4. Forensic13*

    Anyone else into fidgeting with slimes? What are your favorite brands/types? I just ordered two from Momo slimes that I love, which is really cheering after being very disappointed with the stickiness of a set from OG Slimes.

    1. moss, fourth of their name*

      My mom and I buy the small size Crazy Aaron’s slime tins. We like the fun colors and sparkle, but they do tend to get a little fuzzy after six months.

    2. Banana Pyjamas*

      Have you ever played with Flarp? It’s not slime per say, but it has some similarities. It’s a noise putty.

  5. Festively Dressed Earl*

    As threatened in an early thread: share any awesome recipes that also happen to fit dietary restrictions; e.g. gluten-free, vegan, dairy-free, etc.

    2. moss, fourth of their name*

      This recipe got me hooked on tofu. It’s from Bon Appétit, but I don’t know their exact name for it, it just lives in my recipe binder. I use silky tofu and non-dairy butter so I suppose this is vegan, but mostly it’s just delicious.

      Ingredients

      2 – 4 servings

      1 14-oz. block firm or extra-firm tofu, drained

      2 Tbsp. vegetable oil

      2 garlic cloves, smashed

      1 Tbsp. toasted sesame seeds, plus more for serving

      1 tsp. Aleppo-style pepper or ½ tsp. crushed red pepper flakes, plus more for serving

      3 scallions, chopped into 1″ pieces

      3 Tbsp. soy sauce

      2 Tbsp. mirin (sweet Japanese rice wine) or 1 Tbsp. pure maple syrup

      2 Tbsp. unsalted butter

      Cooked white rice (for serving)

      Preparation

      Step 1

      Squeeze tofu over a bowl to expel as much water as possible (don’t worry if it starts to break apart). Grate on the large holes of a box grater; set aside.

      Step 2

      Heat oil and garlic in a large nonstick skillet over medium. Cook, turning once, until garlic is golden, about 3 minutes. Add 1 Tbsp. sesame seeds and 1 tsp. Aleppo-style pepper and cook, stirring, until fragrant, about 30 seconds. Add tofu, increase heat to medium-high, and cook, tossing occasionally and breaking tofu apart with a wooden spoon, until it begins to crisp in spots, about 5 minutes. Stir in scallions, soy sauce, mirin, and butter and cook until liquid is almost completely evaporated, about 3 minutes.

      Step 3

      Divide rice among shallow bowls and spoon tofu mixture over; top with more sesame seeds and Aleppo-style pepper.

    3. Alex*

      One of my favorite brunch recipes is vegetarian, gluten-free, and dairy-free.

      Microwave some potatoes (yukon gold is best for this) until soft, then slice into bite sized pieces.
      Roughly chop a small onion or a couple of shallots, and a red bell pepper.

      In a large frying pan, heat some olive oil on medium-high and then add the potatoes. Let them crisp up for a few minutes, then add the onions and peppers. Sprinkle with salt and add red pepper flakes to taste.

      Take a LOT of cooking greens–baby kale, chard, beet greens, lacinato kale all work well in this recipe. Tear into large pieces, and then add to the frying pan. As they cook down, keep adding until you have wilted all the greens and cooked them to your liking. Fold them into the potato mixture.

      Once that is cooked, fry 1-2 eggs per serving and serve the eggs on top of the potato and greens mixture. Yum! To make this vegan, fry up some tofu instead and serve on top.

    4. Zelda*

      Can I do a micro-hijack here? I need y’all’s help to find a new name for this soup. It’s gluten-free and vegan, richly autumnal and satisfying, so I want to make it soon. Problem is, it came to me under what I now realize is a very unfortunate, racist name, so I need to re-title it. It’s a cousin to paprikash, so if anyone knows their way around real paprikash and could suggest a name based on what sets it apart, or if anyone has other inspirations, I’d be grateful!

      3-4 Tbsp vegetable oil
      15 oz can chickpeas, drained
      4 c water or vegetable stock (or chicken stock)
      2 tsp paprika
      1 tsp turmeric
      1 tsp dried basil
      1 tsp salt
      dash cinnamon
      dash cayenne
      1 bay leaf
      Chopped vegetables:
      2 c onion
      2 cloves garlic
      2 c red-skin potatoes
      1/2 c celery
      1 c canned tomatoes
      3/4 c sweet pepper

      Saute garlic & onion in oil for 5 minutes. Add seasonings and water or stock; cover and simmer 15 minutes. Add remaining vegetables and simmer until as tender as you like them.

      1. Festively Dressed Earl*

        Hmm. I think I’ll call this “Recipe to Make With Some Bread The Next Time It Rains So I Can Think Of A Good Name.” Thank you for sharing it!

      3. Hyaline*

        Ohhh that does sound autumn-y! Maybe go literal and call it Autumn Chickpea Soup? I know people guard the term “chowder” zealously but it has potatoes…Chickpea Chowder (alliteration win)?

    5. Festively Dressed Earl*

      I can’t believe I forgot to mention: CROCK POT BAKED POTATOES, Y’ALL. You prep the potatoes just like you’re baking them normally: wash, poke, oil and salt the skins. Stick them in the crockpot and cook for 4.5 hours on high or 8-10 hours on low. Some people wrap them in foil, some don’t. Voila, crowd pleasing potluck dish that can easily be made into a main course depending on what toppings you provide. Just make sure that any cheese you get for a gluten free person doesn’t have any modified food starch in it.

      1. Seashell*

        I baked sweet potatoes in the crock pot once. In the end, I decided it was easier to just do them in the oven, but it’s a decent option if the oven is broken or prepping earlier is a necessity.

        2. Rage*

          I used to use one of those mini-size crock pots (that had a physical dial rather than digital settings) with a auto-timer switch. I had the auto-timer set to turn on around 2 PM. When I arrived home just before 6 PM, I had a freshly-baked potato waiting for me. Then all I had to do was toss a protein in the oven or air fryer, or make a quick salad or something – and presto, a meal.

    6. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I make all sorts of financiers for gluten-free guests and they are always a hit. David Lebovitz has a couple very good recipes on his website.

      Also, you should be able to find the Bread Ahead recipe for amaretti biscuits online. They are both gluten and dairy free, though not vegan, and the closest to the Italian originals I think homemade can get (source: am Italian, huge fan of soft amaretti, adore this recipe).

    7. Six Feldspar*

      I’m really getting into chickpea/besan flour, it can replace eggs for protein and regular flour for structure a lot of the time. I love me some eggs but between its price and its shelf life, chickpea flour definitely has a permanent spot in my kitchen.

      Chickpea flour frittata here:
      https://alegumeaday.com/chickpea-flour-frittata/

      This recipe for a chocolate mug cake has no egg and can be made dairy free:
      https://www.tablefortwoblog.com/the-moistest-chocolate-mug-cake/

      Also, hummus! It can be a potato salad dressing (potatoes, hummus, herbs, lemon juice, seasonings) and lately I’ve been using it for a pasta sauce with lemon juice/salt&pepper

    8. Ellis Bell*

      Any coconut milk based curry will probably do you, but my favourite Pineapple Curry (for four) involves roasting a butternut squash, cut into chunks and drizzled with olive oil for twenty minutes, then add about one third of a pineapple to the roasting dish for another ten minutes (so the squash gets half an hour in total) while you fry some garlic and onion. Add two tins of coconut milk to garlic and onion and flavour with a tablespoon of tamarind paste, and a tablespoon of soy sauce/gluten free tamari sauce. Add one teaspoon each of turmeric, coriander and ground cardamom. (a pinch of cloves/nutmeg/cinnamon is optional), add a tablespoon of honey (or more vegan friendly maple syrup). After simmering for ten minutes add the roasted squash and pineapple, some green beans, and some lime juice. Steve with rice. If you have anyone whose a plain eater and greatly prefers meat to veggies, I’ve had success serving the green beans separately and just pouring some of this sauce over cooked chicken and rice.

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      From Smitten Kitchen:

      Salted Peanut Butter cookies are incredibly delicious and now one of my go to recipes. And are also both gluten and dairy free. Also it’s easy to halve the recipe to one pan of cookies, which is a more doable empty nest amount if I don’t have plans to give some away.

      Chocolate Olive Oil cake is lovely and light, and has become the go-to celebratory dessert when my dairy-allergic child is home.

      Both of these fall into “Great recipe that just happens to fit dietary restrictions.”

    10. Ontariariario*

      A friend of mine has to have minimal salt and no baking soda, so I make crepes! They aren’t gf or vegan obviously, but I’m delighted that they are naturally made with minimal salt and we don’t notice that I use non-salt butter and exclude the pinch of salt. We make them for brunch but they would work well for supper if used as a wrap.

  6. Festively Dressed Earl*

    Posting separately in case this gets thrown into moderation: these are eggless, dairy-free cupcakes of magical awesomeness. I got this from Smitten Kitchen and used a shortening based frosting instead of the non-dairy cream cheese.

    1 cups plus 7 tablespoons (190 grams) all-purpose flour
    3/4 cup (150 grams) granulated sugar
    1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
    1/2 teaspoon fine sea or table salt
    1 cup (235 ml) unsweetened non-dairy milk such as soy, almond, or oat
    1/3 cup (80 ml) neutral oil or melted vegan butter
    1 tablespoon (15 ml) lemon juice
    1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
    1/8 teaspoon almond extract
    1/4 to 1/3 cup rainbow sprinkles (check ingredients for animal products or allergens)

    Make the cupcakes: Heat oven to 350°F. Place cupcake liners in a 12-cup standard tin.
    In a large bowl, whisk flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt together until well-mixed. Make a slight well in the center and add the non-dairy milk, oil, lemon juice, vanilla, and almond. Whisk the wet and dry ingredients together just until no lumps remain. Stir in sprinkles (the higher amount is shown here) with a flexible spatula.

    Divide batter between 12 cups; each will be 2/3 full.

    Bake for 15 to 20 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into the center of each cake comes out batter-free. Let cupcakes cool completely — this took about 5 minutes outside on a freezing day.

    To finish: Beat cream cheese with powdered sugar and vanilla until lightly whipped. Dollop about 1.5 tablespoons on each cupcake and spread it out in swirls. Finish with an extra pinch of sprinkles.

    Do ahead: Cupcakes keep in the fridge for several days, but they won’t last that long.

    1. Mid*

      Those sound lovely! I read the blog name as “Smitten Kitten” and was very confused about the adult toy store’s new direction into baking

    1. RLC*

      Love it when cats do crazy unexpected acrobatic moves, especially when they’re long past kitten hood. Stella just radiates kitty joy!

    4. GoryDetails*

      The cat-videos are so charming! (Yes, I did binge a little!) Stella’s got some unusual vocals there, quite adorable. Of my three, one has the greatest variety of sounds by far – irked little squeaks, pay-attention-to-me sirens, happy chirps, and some weird noises that have made me hop out of bed at night to see if a raccoon or – I don’t know, dingo? – managed to invade my house…

    6. Sociology Rocks!*

      Yes quite quirky sounds!!! Very fun. And the video of the hooting, that is the most owl sounding noise I’ve ever heard a cat make!

  8. Aphrodite*

    In less than two weeks, I can put my autumn decorations up!!! I have wood, twig, glass, ceramic, stone and other pumpkins and I’ll add some real ones to them. I also have (trying to think because it’s been nearly a year since I’ve seen them–wheat, a small silly Halloween scene, leaves and other things I will be excited to see again.

    I only decorate for autumn and Christmas so for the last three months of the year. And every year as Christmas is drawing near and I realize I am going to put everything away again I feel a lot of sadness at missing these precious things. But . . . once I do it, in January, I feel wonderful. I miss them but I am excited about my plants and the new garden planning and more.

    But hooray for holiday decorating. It’s so much fun for me even though it means unpacking and re-packing but I have done a fair amount of weeding over the last several years and now have only things I deeply love and enjoy seeing. And not too much of those. Just enough to make me really happy.

    1. Sloanicota*

      I have discovered that after I put the Christmas things away the first week of January, I need to leave some of the lights up until late February or so. Now I keep my eyes open for non-Christmassy light decor (like birch trees with white LEDs, battery powered candles on a timer, white lights shaped like acorns – whatever it takes). Otherwise, I got too depressed putting all the bright things away and having to get through the 4PM darkness.

      1. Bibliovore*

        I never did Christmas lights but during Covid lockdown we strung white lights on all of outside railings. They have been lit every since and a great cheerer upper on dark evening walks coming home.

      2. the Viking Diva*

        I became so fond of coming home to the Christmas wreath on my door with its tiny LED lights, that I bought a non-Christmas wreath and wired it up. It is a three-dimensional papier-mache construction from an artist on Etsy. Modern; a bit angular, not cottage core. I don’t have room to store multiple wreaths for different seasons so chose one that fits any time of year.

      3. TriRN*

        I started leaving white string lights with a white cord on top of a bookcase in our living room. I connect it to a switch so I can turn it on/off easily.

        Best thing for those dark winter days!

      4. EggyParm*

        I’m from Louisiana so after Christmas, I turn my house into a Mardi Gras bonanza! It gives me a lot of cheer post-Christmas, reminds me of home, and is a fun way to reuse all of my gold and green ornaments (I’ve had to buy purple ones over the years). I feel you on wanting to keep the cheer a little longer.

      5. Speak*

        A few years ago I bought a programmable simple 6ft x 6ft LED screen and have it mounted to a 2×4 frame in the front of my house and powered by an outdoor smart plug that turns on at sunset and off at 11pm. It has been running ever since I got it and I change the image on it for the season it currently is. Right now I have it with a black cat and will change it to a pumpkin in October, then a turkey for Thanksgiving, followed by multiple different Christmas images, after Christmas I set it for snowflakes, then hearts in Feb, shamrocks in March, an Easter image, then flowers in Spring, followed by fireworks and a beer mug for over Summer.
        I also just bought 2 strings of color programmable LED lights that go around the front of my house. Right now they are Purple & Orange, but they can be set to any solid color or one of several multi colors including Red/Green, Red/White/Blue, and pastel, so I will be keeping these up and changing these over the year to match the season too.
        I go all out decorating when I can and have a lit walking path around our house for the Christmas season and have been offering open walk through nights to the neighbors as well as friends & families for the past few years, sometimes we can even get Santa for a visit. But once all that is unplugged for the year it gets very dark (it sometimes takes till March to take it all down depending on how frozen the stakes are in the ground / how much snow we have, but the lights are turned off 1st week in January).

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      I love holiday decorating but have to put the brakes on for Halloween, as Husband would go completely Mad Scientist Run Amok if I let him. For two years in a row we had to move our TV so he could construct a Haunted Oak out of construction paper and wire hangers.

      2. Jay (no, the other one)*

        When our kid was younger, my husband turned us into That House on the block for Halloween. We are Jewish and don’t decorate for Christmas so we went all-out for spooky season. The highlight was a Target zombie/pirate thing that he wired with sound and light and a motion sensor, so when kids walked up the path it sat up and made noise. We had to keep it unplugged for the first little while because the toddlers were terrified.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      My personal “first day of fall” is September 1 so I can start decorating early :)

      Last weekend I put out all my favorite stuff. I have some candles in frosted-glass pumpkin holders, a couple of the Target birds (acorn hat and pear hat from a couple years ago), fake foliage for my porch planter, and some pumpkin stuff I made. I’m more fall than Halloween but I also have some more cute-spooky stuff I’ll bring out in October.

    5. Frieda*

      I moved in the summer of 2021 and by November still wasn’t organized enough to dig out the boxes of Christmas ornaments (to be fair, October was “replace the plumbing in the whole house” month so it was a LOT) and I bought a modest number of glass Christmas ornaments, a new fake Christmas tree, and some Christmas lights. The lights bouncing off all that shiny glass was *mesmerizing* and I’m now bonkers for Christmas decorating – one tree on the sun porch, one in the living room, one in my office, and several mini-trees in places like on top of the china cabinet. All covered in glass Christmas ornaments, ranging from the cute (aw, a squirrel) to the truly fantastic (a drag queen, some mermaids, eyeballs, rainbow Santa.)

      My partner, who once had a paper Christmas tree taped to the wall as his only Christmas decoration, is very kindly tolerant of it all.

  9. ThatOtherClare*

    Cheesy jokes thread!

    Time to bring out your best/worst/dumbest jokes and get everyone groaning. Here’s mine:

    What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?
    ….
    You can tune a piano, but you can’t TUNA fish!

    1. sswj*

      Did you hear ’bout the streaker in church?? Yeah, they finally caught him by the organ.

      What do you get if you pout boiling water down a rabbit hole?
      …
      …
      Hot cross buns!

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
      Open door, put in elephant, close door.

      How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
      Open door, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close door.

      It’s the lion’s birthday, who’s the only animal that doesn’t make it?
      The giraffe, he’s still stuck in the fridge.

      1. Zelda*

        How do you fit four elephants in a VW?
        Two in front, two in back.

        How do you know if there’s an elephant in your fridge?
        Footprints in the butter.

        How do you know if there are two elephants in your fridge?
        You hear giggling when you close the door.

        How do you know if there are four elephants in your fridge?
        There’s an empty VW parked out front.

      2. AGD*

        This sequence was a favorite when I was a kid! There was an optional fourth bit:

        How do you cross a pirana-infested river?
        You swim, the piranas are all at the lion’s birthday party.

        2. Rage*

          Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
          A: Shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

          Q: How do you kill a red elephant? (Most people will say “shoot him with a red elephant gun.”)
          A: Twist his trunk until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

          *******
          Q: What’s red and white on the outside, and gray and white on the inside?
          A: Campbell’s Cream of Elephant Soup.

          ******
          Q: What did Paul Revere say when he saw the elephants walking down the road?
          A: The elephants are coming! The elephants are coming!

          Q: What did Paul Revere say when he saw the elephants walking down the road, wearing sunglasses?
          A: Nothing. He didn’t recognize them.

    3. Mitchell Hundred*

      I don’t know many jokes, but it did occur to me the other day that if the author of “The Executioner’s Song” wrote a newsletter about the north of France, it would be Norman Mailer’s Norman mailer.

      1. Mitchell Hundred*

        I also came up with this one, although it might be a bit more obscure: One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. I had made those pyjamas myself, and by wearing them the elephant had alienated me from the products of my own labour.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      What do you call a chilly cephalopod?
      Coolamari.

      What do you call two octopuses that look the same?
      Itentacle.

      What should you do if you’re addicted to seaweed?
      Sea kelp.

      1. Silent E*

        Two atoms were walking together one day. One suddenly stopped short and said, “Wait a minute. I think I lost an electron.”
        The second one said, “Are you sure?”
        The first one said, “I’m positive!”

        1. Six Feldspar*

          A photon checks into a hotel, and the staff ask them if they have any bags they need help with?

          The photon says “no, I’m travelling light”.

          1. Sled dog mama*

            Told this one to a bunch of physicist colleagues recently, granted we had been sitting around drinking but it put everyone in stitches.

      2. Peanut Hamper*

        The bartender says “I’m sorry, we don’t serve particles faster than light.”

        A neutrino walks into a bar.

      3. fposte*

        Some helium walks into a bar. “Sorry,” the bartender says, “we don’t serve noble gases here.” The helium doesn’t react.

      4. allathian*

        Velociraptor = Distanceraptor/Timeraptor

        Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff?
        Because that’s where students have the most potential.

        Did you hear about the physicist who was reading a great book on anti-gravity?
        ​He couldn’t put it down.

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      A swarthy old sea dog of a pirate is showing the newest member of the scurvy crew around the ship. The young guy is in awe of him.

      “Wow,” he says, “You’ve got so many battle scars! A wooden leg, a hook for a hand, an eye patch!”

      “Yarrr,” growls the pirate. “Ye see this peg leg? Lost that limb to a whale’s teeth, I did! And ye see this hook? Lost that hand fightin’ off a half-dozen men!” He goes on, proudly describing his adventures.

      Finally, the young swabby ventures, “And the eye patch?”

      “Errr…” says the pirate, somewhat embarrassed–“that was…bird poopie.”

      “Bird poop?” blurts out the young guy? “Sorry, but…after all that it was…?”

      “Yarrr, well ye see,” says the pirate, “it was me first day with the hook!”

    7. moss, fourth of their name*

      It works better verbally, but it hasn’t failed me before:

      What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh!

      1. Writerling*

        I came here to post this, I told it to all my classes when I taught TEFL and cackled when I got rolling eyes! (The younger ones found it much funnier xD)

      3. blind cyclops*

        Works even better as a couplet which sets up the sense that the answer will be different:

        What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea-r
        What do you call a fish with no eyes (i’s)? fsshhhhh

    9. Couch tomato*

      Two trolls under a bridge.
      First Troll: Your brother is horrible
      Second Troll: We’ll, at least eat the potatoes

    10. Elizabeth West*

      I read this one online today:

      A man is sitting at home and hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it into the garden as far as he can.
      Two years later, he hears a knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail on his doorstep. The snail says, “What in the hell was THAT about?”

    11. Dark Macadamia*

      What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

      One weighs a ton and the other’s a little lighter.

      What’s the difference between a dirty travel depot and a lobster with breast implants?

      One’s a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean!

      1. Rara Avis*

        I told the zippo one to my students and it went over like a lead balloon — they don’t know what a zippo is.

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          I knowwww lol I’ve never even tried it with students because I know they won’t get it. But of course I can’t really tell the lobster one to them either!

    12. Old Plant Woman*

      Told to me by a fifth be grader when I was on lunch duty. What’s the difference between boogers and broccoli? Kids will eat boogers

    13. Random Bystander*

      New graduate: Hey, world! I just got my B.A.

      World: That’s nice; now let’s get you straightened out and teach you the rest of the alphabet.

    15. RagingADHD*

      What did the Buddhist monk day to the hot-dog vendor?

      “Make me one with everything”

      What kind of dog can do magic tricks?

      A labracadabrador.

      1. Zippity Doodah*

        Monk gives the vendor a 20, vendor gives him the hot dog and turns to the next customer. monk says, “Hey, where’s my change?” And the vendor says, “Change must come from within!”

    16. Dark Macadamia*

      These ones don’t really work over text but I love them.

      Knock knock
      “Who’s there?”
      Interrupting cow
      “Interrup–” MOOOO

      Knock knock
      “Who’s there?”
      Interrupting starfish
      “Interrup–” (put your hand on their face)

      Knock knock
      “Who’s there?”
      Interrupting sloth
      “Interrupting sloth who?”
      (long awkward pause)
      ……..SLOOOOOOTH

      1. allathian*

        Knock, knock
        Who’s there?
        Doctor
        Doctor who?
        How did you guess?

        For fans of Babylon 5:
        Knock, knock
        Who’s there?
        Kosh
        Kosh who?
        Gesundheit!

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Choral society sweatshirt, seen from behind: Basically Bach.
        Chorister turns around: Basically Front.

        They really had these made and wore them in public.

    18. Six Feldspar*

      Excellent thread, thanks everyone! Here’s some of my favourites:

      What do you call a pair of crows?
      Attempted murder.

      How do you tell a chemist from a plumber?
      Ask them to pronounce unionised.

      How do bees tidy their hair?
      With a honeycomb!

      A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says “five drinks please”.
      (That one’s better in person when you can do the hand signal)

      This one’s from a book of Asimov essays, no disrespect to any professions mentioned :D…

      One night three Christians (a surgeon, an architect and a lawyer) are having dinner and get on to the topic of what’s the oldest profession in the world.

      The surgeon says, “God removed a rib from Adam to make Eve, clearly a surgical procedure, therefore my profession is the oldest”.

      The architect says, “that’s a fair point, but before that God created the heavens and the earth out of chaos – clearly building and design, therefore my profession is the oldest”.

      “Ah, yes,” the lawyer says to both of them, “but who do you think created the chaos?”

    19. 653-CXK*

      Some groaner math jokes…

      1. The number 18 comes into a bar and asks to be served. The bartender says, “Sorry…I can’t serve you because you’re under 21.”

      2. Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine. (ate = eight)

      3. How did mathematicians send messages to each other in the past? With parallelograms.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        And a French math joke – why do French felines avoid water? Because un deux trois quatre cinq! (Works best when pronounced by Americans with dodgy high school French accents as “cat sank.”)

        1. Two cents*

          I know this one as a much longer joke:
          Two cats, one named One Two Three and the other named Un Deux Trois, decide to have a race. They start down the alley and rocket into the neighbor’s backyard. From there, they careen over the back fence towards the local pond. Only one makes it to the end. Which one was it?

          One Two Three because Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinq (Un deux trois cat sank).

      2. Two cents*

        Similar to your joke at 2, one of my language teachers’ favorites:
        What did the 0 say to the 8?
        Heeeyyyy, nice belt!

    20. Ontariariario*

      Nerdy:
      An infinite number of mathematicians go into a bar. The first one orders a pint, the next one half a pint, the next a quarter, and the next an eighth. The bartender stops, pours out two beers, and says “Know your limits!”

      Very Canadian:
      Pourquoi la police montée a-t-il utilisé du Blistex?
      Parce que ses lèvres étaient gercées! (GRC)
      Why did the mounted police use blistex?
      Because his lips were chapped – the word for chapped (gercée) is also the acronym for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police

    21. Madre del becchino*

      Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

      Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

    22. Irish Teacher.*

      What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

      One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

    23. Texan In Exile*

      My husband learned this in his Spanish class and it delights every native Spanish speaker he tells it to:

      Q: Que hace el pez?
      A: Nada.

      He told it to a Mexican family last night. The man answered, “Nadar?” and then his wife’s eyes opened and she laughed and said “Nada!”

      The man could not stop laughing.

      They were not expecting this middle-aged gringo to tell them a Dad joke, especially a Dad joke that relies on one of the few puns possible in Spanish.

    24. Llama face!*

      My time has come!

      Did you know diaarrhea is genetic?
      It runs in your jeans

      A snail wanted to be faster so he had his shell removed.
      Unfortunately it only made him more sluggish

      Why does fresh coffee taste like dirt?
      It was recently ground

      Why weren’t the spaceship crew concerned when their ship flew too close to a black hole?
      They failed to grasp the gravity of the situation

    25. Zelda*

      A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The minister says, “I’m a Type B.” The priest says, “I’m a Type A.” The rabbit says, “I’m a Type O.”

      A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think there’s been a clerical error.”

        1. ECHM*

          The first one is my favorite … it’s positively hilarious after midnight lol. :) If you hadn’t posted it I would have.

    28. Dark Macadamia*

      The best pirate joke is better if you precede it with other pirate jokes.

      What be a pirate’s favorite class? ARRRRithmetic. What be a pirate’s favorite vegetable? ARRRRtichokes. Where do pirates go for fun? The ARRRRcade. etc and then

      What be a pirate’s favorite letter? (They guess ARRRRR) Yeh’d think so, but nay, he loves the C.

      2. Heffalump*

        Why doesn’t the Dalai Lama vacuum under the couch?
        He has no attachments.

        An elephant walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender mixes the drink, sets it on the bar, and says, “That’ll be $20.”

        The elephant gives the bartender a $20 bill and starts sipping his drink.

        The bartender says, “We don’t get many elephants in here.”

        The elephant says, “I’m not surprised when you charge $20 a drink!”

      3. Heffalump*

        Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
        So they can hide in strawberry patches.
        Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a strawberry patch?
        No? Works great, doesn’t it?

    29. PhyllisB*

      I know those of you who read my earlier post are probably wondering how I can post a joke today, but my son and I loved cheesy, corny, nerdy jokes and puns so in his honor I offer the following:
      The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.

      1. PhyllisB*

        Also want to say I love this post. I got some much needed laughs and I can see my son rolling his eyes. Especially at the math ones. I saw one of Facebook yesterday that you really need the visual to appreciate, but it was a chicken in a flower pot with the pi symbol on it. My girls and I all wished he was here to share it with.

    30. Writerling*

      Remembered a bilingual one from my time in Japan: What’s Michael Jackson’s favorite color?

      青！(あお, reads as “ao”)

    31. Florence Reece*

      This is another that works better verbally, but it’s the favorite groaner of my *entire family* so I gotta add it.

      What do you call a deer with no eyes?
      No idear.

      What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
      Still no idear!

    32. Scout Finch*

      A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.

      The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

      A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

      “I feel terrible,” he explained, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?”

      The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

      Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around and waved again. Then he hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

      The man was astonished. He said to the woman, “What in Heaven’s name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?”

      The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said, “Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”

    36. Heffalump*

      The absent-minded professor suddenly paused in the middle of a lecture, looked at one of the students, and said, “Did you have a brother who took this course last year?”

      “No, sir, that was me. I’m taking it again.”

      “Amazing resemblance, though.”

  10. Past Lurker*

    What brands of short sleeved women’s tops are durable? I used to get a brand that was durable. But the last few years they’re noticeably thinner when held to the light and quicly develop holes from friction against pant buttons or seat belts.
    These are 100% cotton, but suggestions of cotton blend brands (or other materials) are also welcome!

    1. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      How casual/formal to the shirts need to be? I really like Duluth Trading Company’s shirts, they are very durable but they are on the more casual side.

        1. Sparkle llama*

          They are the best! I have had a bit of pilling on a bamboo long sleeve v neck from them but otherwise their stuff is fantastic.

    2. HannahS*

      In Canada, I’ve had luck with Simons, which is a Quebec-based department store. Their house brand, twik, has good basics. I’m on year two of several shirts and found them superior to The Gap.

    4. Buni*

      I love the fabulously-named Engelbert Strauss. They mostly do outdoor work-wear, but possibly because of that all their stuff is incredibly hard-wearing. The plain cotton t-shirts are thicker than any other t-shirt I’ve ever bought and a really good fit (they do v-necks! Vanishingly rare these days!).

      1. tab*

        I’ve read here from others that Lands’ End quality has gone downhill. I certainly saw that in the last knit shirt I purchased there. If you’ve purchased from them recently, is that your experience?

        1. run mad; don't faint*

          I’ve recently purchased some knit shirts from Lands End: short sleeved, tank tops and some of their long sleeves performance/active tops. They had the same substantial knit fabric that I expect from Lands End. One of the tops seems to be pilling where my seatbelt would rub against it. But the others are holding up just fine.

    6. Maestra*

      I like Pact t-shirts! They are cotton and as a bonus, sustainably made in fair trade certified factories. They aren’t the cheapest, but at least for me, they hold up nicely.

    7. All Monkeys are French*

      If you’re willing to spend the money and you wear straight sizes, American Giant shirts are great. Very well made and durable.

  11. Pandas*

    I’m finally getting to do a bucket list trip to New Zealand for most of November! I’m not really looking for advice on things to do, since I’ve already booked everything but I’m wondering if anyone has any helpful NZ travel tips that might not be obvious to someone used to traveling in the U.S. I know I ended up with a whole list when I studied abroad in the UK a decade ago.

    1. Kaleidoscope*

      are you driving? if yes, please be aware that just because a road is called state highway, it doesn’t mean it resembles anything like a US or UK motorway/highway! we do have some 4 lane roads but most of it is 2 way (one lane north, one south) with passing lanes. if you aren’t a confident driver, please go into the slow lanes so people can pass you.

      nzta is our road organisation, it would be advisable to Google and bookmark them for road closures and conditions. nzta(dot)govt(dot)nz

      we don’t tip. not a thing (maybe at a fancy restaurant only)

      hat and sunscreen, and if going to south island, insect repellent. our sun is harsh – this is not a joke.

      don’t take fruit from people’s gardens/trees if on a property. people tend to put food etc out in boxes outside.

      make sure you know where gas stations are before you travel – some areas are remote and you won’t find one for ages.

      whereabouts are you going?

      1. Afour*

        Seconding this to agree that roadtrips in NZ take a lot more energy than road trips in the USA. A lot of the terrain is hilly or frankly mountainous and the roads are not generous. Expect to get mentally tired and potentially carsick, and plan your breaks well.

      2. Jill Swinburne*

        I’d go so far as to say plan to drive, because in a lot of places public transport is not something you can count on.

        Therefore be extremely careful – as you know, we drive on the left and it’s very easy to pull back onto the wrong side of the road when you leave a rest stop. We did this ourselves in the US and couldn’t work out why the person coming towards us was flashing their lights frantically!

        Roads are often windy and hilly, and there isn’t much in the way of proper highways. Passing lanes are well marked, and do not be tempted to try passing when there are double yellow lines in the centre – it’s not safe.

        Tipping isn’t really a thing, if they’re amazing you can but it isn’t expected and we’d prefer it didn’t become so.

        In restaurants, an entree is an appetiser/starter and the main course is just called mains. (This also caught us out in the US!)

        Expect to pay a surcharge for contactless payments, usually around 2 percent. It would be a good idea to carry a little cash because shops in small towns often don’t take credit cards at all (supermarkets and petrol stations will, however).

        Lots of places close quite early – most cafes are done by 3.30, shops usually around 5, and restaurants are often doing last orders around 8.30-9pm. There was a good article in The Guardian about this!

        Coffee – it’s always espresso machine coffee, none of your brewed-in-a-jug stuff. Flat whites are popular (coffee and steamed milk, not to be confused with cappuccino which has foam), but anywhere will do an americano. Decaf and plant milks are readily available.

        I suggest brushing up a bit on correct pronunciation of Māori place names. It’s easy when you get the hang of it – very phonetic spelling and vowel sounds like most European languages. This will be easy to find online.

        Have a great trip! The weather might be a bit unsettled but that will depend on where you go.

      3. Pandas*

        Thank you for the driving tips! My mom (my travel buddy for this trip) and I both have a lot of experience driving on narrow, windy mountain and coast roads, so I’m hoping we’ll be ok in that regard, but driving on the opposite side will be new to us. I didn’t drive when I lived in the UK. Good to know about NZTA. Also the insect repellant, hadn’t thought of that. And I never would have guessed we’d have different definitions of entree.

      4. Pandas*

        Also didn’t mention where I was going originally because I didn’t want to make the post too long, but we’re flying into Auckland, then going north to the Bay of Islands for a few day, then taking the train south to Wellington. After which, we’re crossing over to the other island and taking the train to Christchurch (doing TranzAlpine as a day trip), then taking a few days to drive over to Queenstown for the obligatory sound tour. Then flying back to Auckland and driving down to Rotorua for a few days, then back to Auckland to fly home. I tried to set it up so there’s no more than 3 hours of driving in a day where we’re driving, and we have “rest” days in the cities in between driving/train days.

        1. Kaleidoscope*

          that is a fab itinerary!
          something else I thought of – you get an orange light for stopping (so green, orange, red) but you only get green from red when going at traffic lights. I hope you have an amazing time – please come back and update when you’re there/after you’re back.

    2. topazthursday*

      I don’t know if this still exists, but I loved the peanut butter and jam that you could buy in a squeeze tube. And if you need a backpack, or daypack, Macpacs are shockingly expensive, and worth every bit of money

    4. I didn't say banana*

      Small towns are SMALL. Do not expect to be able to find open restaurants or shops, even if it’s 1pm on a weekend.

    5. Six Feldspar*

      There are scenic train routes that cover a lot of the tourist areas, I’m definitely checking them out next time I go to nz!

      1. Pandas*

        We love trains, so we’re doing all of the major ones I found! Northern Explorer, Coastal Pacific and TranzAlpine. It’s my favorite way to travel, I wish NZ (and the U.S.) had a few more.

    6. Baldrick*

      I know you mentioned no advice on things to do, but I have a very specific suggestion if you plan to do the glow worms:
      I stayed overnight nearby then went to the first tour of the day for the bigger tour company. I got in for half price as a former military, and that first tour of the day is like a small private tour because the big tour buses hadn’t yet arrived from Auckland! So if you plan to see the worms then suggest staying overnight. I also went hiking nearby at dusk and saw some worms in the wild.

      1. Pandas*

        Thanks! I ended up booking a night hike tour to see them in Rotorua. It’s where I ended up being able to fit them in the schedule, we weren’t able to make it over to Otorohanga and the Waitomo Caves which I think is the prime spot.

    7. Felicia*

      I’m Canadian so we have slight differences than in the US but the thing I had a hard time remembering when I went to New Zealand last year is in a lot of restaurants you have to get up to pay rather than them coming to you like I’m used to. Not all but lots. Also for things you might want to bring back one thing I recommend is the honey not just the Manuka kind you see everywhere but they have so many unique kinds that I’d never seen before. Also when they say a terrain is flat/not too hilly it will be far more hilly than you expect and they define flat differently I think.

      1. Pandas*

        Thanks! This is exactly the highly specific advice I’m looking for. I would have never though to look that up.

    8. Anon-e-Mouse*

      Familiar-sounding foods might not be what you expect. For example:

      – I ordered a hot dog (expecting a thing in a bun) and ended up with a battered sausage on a stick.
      – A burger with “the works” came with a fried egg, pineapple and a slice of beetroot on it.

      It’s good to check with restaurant and cafe staff about how a particular food or dish is served, lest you end up with something unexpectedly unappetizing.

    9. supply closet badger*

      You’ve gotten some good advice on driving, and I second the person who suggested brushing up on how to pronounce Māori place names.

      Here’s one that unexpectedly rendered my partner and me (early 30s) unable to buy a bottle of wine to bring to a family dinner — if you’re buying alcohol, a non-NZ driver’s licence does not count as proof of age — you must use your passport — AND even if the person buying the alcohol can prove they’re over 18, if anyone accompanying them looks like they might be underage and can’t prove otherwise, you will not be allowed to buy the alcohol. I believe this is meant to prevent parents or older siblings/friends/partners supplying alcohol for underage people.

      Hope you have a fab trip! It’s a wonderful place :)

  12. Bibliovore*

    On a long car drive alone on Saturday. Any great podcasts that I can listen to?
    I like Smartless, West Wing Weekly, Terry Gross/Fresh Air, sometime Mark Maren WTF, Sunday Sit down with Willie Geist, KCRW the business, Terrible Thanks for Asking but I am all caught up with them- I usually listen on dog walks.

    Also any favorite Sirius XM stations? My favorite was Carries country but I can’t seem to get that anymore. Don’t like sports and most news.

    3. Forensic13*

      I adore Normal Gossip. Real gossip stories sent in by “a friend of a friend.” I tend to skip the initial segments where they interview the guest about their ideas on the concept of gossip, but I have low patience and just want to get to the salacious bits.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        100% idgaf about the guests take on why gossip might help people subvert traditional power structures etc. just get to the good stuff!!!

    4. WoodswomanWrites*

      I love the Moth. There’s something about people telling real stories of their life, in an interesting way, that is really satisfying when I’m driving.

    5. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I binged Bad Blood: The Final Chapter and Wind of Change at the beach one summer, so reckon they might work for a long drive too.

      Right now I’m very into Scamfluencers, episodes are not very long but there are loads to just play so might be an option too?

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      Podcasts:
      Says You is a game show with clever wordplay.
      Dead to Me is a history podcast with a historian and a comedian. Reliably very interesting. I’ll particularly recommend the Agatha Christie episode, which has Sue from Bakeoff.

    7. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

      I like Pop Culture Happy Hour. Fun, light, interesting to hear everyone’s takes on a pop culture topic.

    8. Blue Cactus*

      Oligies is a great podcast that does deep dives into very specific areas of study with an expert.
      Articles of Interest is a fascinating look at clothes and fashion and its impact on how we live, I’m not interested in clothes at all usually and I follow it religiously.
      Crash Course: the Universe is a podcast about cosmology, starting from the big bang and working its way to the far future, with an astrophysicist and a normal person.
      In Our Time has a deep dive into a different topic in history and science every episode, from bacteriophages to the Sistine Chapel

    9. Mitchell Hundred*

      A Way With Words is one of my favourites. It’s a radio call-in show that’s focused on questions about language. Sometimes they’ll talk about etiquette or grammar, sometimes about etymology or differences between various American dialects. It’s great fun.

    11. GoryDetails*

      I listen to audiobooks while driving, pretty much exclusively. But when riding with a friend who has Sirius XM, we listen to 60s Oldies, and have a lot of fun playing “name that tune” from the opening notes, or “have you ever heard of that artist? Me neither!” for the more obscure tunes.

    12. Pieforbreakfast*

      Willie’s Roadhouse is a great Sirius country station.
      We’ve been listening to Yacht Rock and 70’s on 70 during driving days this summer, they fit a certain kind of mood.

    15. KarenInKansas*

      Tooth and Claw podcast is my favorite right now. I also recommend Ezra Klein–his episodes about AI are amazing.

    17. Middle Name Jane*

      I mostly listen to true crime podcasts, and these are my favorites: Southern Fried True Crime, Crimelines, True Crime Brewery, Women & Crime, and Killer Psyche.

    18. Fickle Pickle*

      I know I’m late to the party.
      Sirius stations Outlaw County and Classic Rewind.
      Podcasts Strange and Unexplained, Ghostly, Creeptime.

    19. MCL*

      I love:
      This is Uncomfortable – about life and how money can derail things.

      Criminal – true crime, but often (not always non-violent crimes with super interesting stories and perspectives about big and small crimes.

      This Is Love – Criminal’s sister podcast about different kinds of love

      99% Invisible – a design podcast that discusses the intersection of design and function, and some interesting historical facts related thereto.

  13. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I move on ahead in my Fire Emblem Three Houses run. I’m having a lot of fun, but wish I had a few more options for leveling characters up. I previously played on the easiest level, which allows for as much battle grinding as you want. Now I’m playing Hard, and the grinding is much more limited.

    1. Strive to Excel*

      Satisfactory 1.0 dropped this week! It’s been in early access for a long time and fully released to wild approval. I’d been resisting this one for a while since it is exactly the type of game I will lose my mind over but I finally gave in. Having a blast so far where I get to optimise to my heart’s content.

    2. Anima*

      Preseve is on early access! (PC, I play on Linux.) It’s a beautiful puzzle game, the theme is biodiversity. It’s also a bit challenging, the perfect cozy game for me. You can pet the animals!

    3. The Dude Abides*

      Decided to give Diablo Immortal another try, and loving it so far.

      Have a Barbarian on Hell 2, and just started a Wizard.

  14. Thatgirl*

    I know in the past we’ve talked about small purchases that changed your life, I’d like to recommend a travel size humidifier. They are fantastic for dry hotel rooms and we take ours to my in-laws for Christmas – a lot less waking up parched at 2 am in their dry house. I have Geniani brand that has a wick, but I’m sure there are other good ones out there.

    1. ThatOtherClare*

      A recently retired friend of mine has taken up weaving, and he was complaining last weekend about his warp threads snapping in the dry air. Thank you for your recommendation, I shall pass it on to him.

    2. Nemace*

      Safety razors.

      I’ve been using disposable razor cartridges for most of my shaving career. Switching to safety razor saves me money (I realized I was spending $2 a cartridge for shave) and even better for the environment because I’m throwing away less. Extra bonus … wife notices how how much smoother my face is after using a safety razor.

    3. WheresMyPen*

      A dehumidifier. Essential now for drying clothes in the damp, cold U.K. winters (and autumns and springs and wet summers lol). I’ve tried heated airers before but the damp has to go somewhere so this works better for us.

  15. Did the neighbor fess up to selling car from commenter’s address?*

    A few weeks ago a commenter on the weekend thread said it looked like their neighbor was using the commenter’s address to sell a car. Guy was hanging out on the commenter’s porch to meet buyers! Dying to know if the commenter took other commenters’ advice, and what happened!

    3. Part time lab tech*

      My neighbour accidentally put our address down for selling stuff so occasionally we have to redirect people next door.

    4. Ginger Cat Lady*

      That was me!
      It took just over a week to get a hold of him because he was ignoring my texts and calls. So I stopped trying to reach him by phone. After a few days of silence, I came home and he was in his yard. I pulled over, got out of my car and approached him.
      Told him that it had to stop. Didn’t bother to ask him why or anything, just told him to stop giving out my address, don’t sit on my porch to wait for people, stay over on his side of the street. My home & yard were off limits to him. After all that avoidance, I wasn’t really feeling chatty or wanting to hear his side.
      He told me I was making “too big of a deal” about it and I pointed out that this all could have been over a week ago in a single conversation, but he made it a week long deal by being too chicken to talk to me.
      Haven’t talked with him since.

      1. Did the neighbor fess up to selling car from commenter’s address?**

        He said YOU were making too big a deal of it?!?! Using your address and porch to sell his stuff? If it wasn’t such a big deal he should have been happy to use his own address. Good heavens.

        Thanks for updating us, and I’m glad you put your foot down.

      2. Workerbee*

        What an ass that guy chose to be. I didn’t see your initial post; do you have cameras up? These people who think it’s not a big deal to help themselves to other people’s property seem to think they have the right to get angry or get even when they’re told to stop. Just envisioning you shouting, “It’s not a big deal!” when he’s eventually charged for trespassing again. (I envision him being hauled away by the cops in a satisfying way.)

        1. Ginger Cat Lady*

          Yes, that’s how I knew he’d done it more than once. I don’t check them daily, but when I saw him do it once, I went back and looked and he had done it multiple times that week.

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          Our paper prints a “rant and rave” section, and some entitled ass put in a rant about how selfish people were about not letting total strangers pick the fruit from the trees and bushes on their property. Really, dude?

      4. Generic Name*

        Zomggg. If he does it again, I hope you call the cops. I’m not normally one to suggest this, but he’s totally out of line and shouldn’t have to be told to not help himself to the use of your porch and address for sals purposes. Ugh.

      5. Strive to Excel*

        This is where you see if you have any friends with Very Large Dogs who are willing to come and hang out on your porch for a few days.

  16. Jackalope*

    Podcasts! What are you listening to? Do you recommend it? Have you found anything fun recently?

    I stumbled across a podcast called Canada By Night; it’s by a group called Dumb Dumbs and Dice and they’re playing Vampire the Masquerade. I’ve had a lot of fun with it so far; after several weeks I’m almost caught up all the way.

    2. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I’m a huge fan of Song Exploder, and recently heard two episodes that made me happy.

      The one about Green Day’s Basket Case filled me with nostalgia, and confirmed that if a sitcom about my life existed, that song would probably be in the shortlist for the theme tune.

      I went into the one about Don’t Dream It’s Over by Crowded House semi-blindly, because I like the song but don’t know much about the band, and found a lot of warmth in the story the singer was telling. It felt very comforting to listen to.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      I know my phone is NOT secretly listening to me because I did a long run of Terrible Lizards while quilting, and it did not start offering me ads for dinosaurs.

    4. Middle Name Jane*

      I love true crime podcasts, and I seek out shows that are respectful to victims and their families, and researched well. My favorites are Southern Fried True Crime, Crimelines, Killer Psyche, Women & Crime, and True Crime Brewery.

      1. MissGirl*

        Check out Betrayal. Half the season is the crime but told through the victims and the other half is the impact on the victims and how they’re healing. They also put the families in contact with others to create support systems.

      2. Forensic13*

        True Crime Obsessed tends to do a good job with this, because they look at documentaries about true crime rather than the cases themselves. (I know some people think the hosts are a little obnoxious, but I I’m actually very fond of their silly little antics to let off steam).

  17. Blue*

    I’m in my 30s and I’ve noticed that increasingly, people my age want me to commiserate with them about “getting old.” So far, I’ve been nodding/smiling/making a non-committal neutral comment/laughing it off, etc. I know we live in a youth-obsessed society, and yes, I’m as vain as the next person… But the thing is, I DON’T feel “old” and for me, 30s (or 40s, and maybe even 50s) ISN’T “old.” I feel pretty fine with my age and in fact, growing older is a privilege I’m grateful for. Does anyone have any suggestions for light-hearted responses I can make in this situation? I don’t want to necessarily agree or perpetuate this absurd-to-me idea that being in our 30s makes us “old.” Obviously, there’s nothing wrong with being old, to be clear, but I feel that people around me are losing perspective on this.

    1. Fellow Traveller*

      “Why do you say that?”
      I find when I don’t agree with what people are saying, the best way I can stay engaged is to be curious.

    2. Maggie*

      I have experienced a lot of the same. I kind of just tease them back and say “wow I guess you are getting old” or “oh we must alert the church elders” (in response to my friend being like “how can people wear shorts this short”)

      1. Despachito*

        I love this and sometimes use it as well.

        I also always remember one of my relatives who sometimes sighed “If only I was 20 years younger, I would do this or that (implying pretty wild things”.

        By the time he said this he was around ninety, in perfect health, still driving.

        And I remember how old we thought ten year old schoolmates were when we started going to school at six.

        So I sometimes invoke both those situations and say it’s all a matter of perception and the angle you are seeing it from.

      2. Six Feldspar*

        Better than the alternative works both ways – you could not pay me any amount of money to be a kid or a teenager again…

    4. Aphrodite*

      I seem to recall feeling “old” in my thirties too, as if I had passed my youth and was never to return to it. But I found my forties, fifties and sixties younger than my thirties. It was a surprise to realize that I felt younger (without the idiocy of my youth) each year and grew to looking forward to my birthdays. Age really is just a number unless one chooses to make it a mindset too. I don’t. Despite gloriously silver and white hair I still get incredible friendliness from men I would happily date if I were younger. So the older I get the younger I feel.

    5. ThatOtherClare*

      It sounds like the issue is that your sense of humour isn’t perfectly aligned with your friends’. Which is 100% fine, nobody’s ever is (unless they’re your clone, perhaps?).

      People tend not to joke about things they feel uncomfortable about. Hence there are far more ‘I’m old’ jokes from people in their 30s and their 80s than people in between. In general, those in their 30s don’t really believe it, and those in their 80s have had enough time to get used to the idea. Your friends most likely don’t actually think they’re old any more than you do.

      ‘I’m old now!’ short hand for ‘I’ve noticed a change in my life and I want to bring it up, and I’m taking the opportunity to be humorous at the same time by saying something outlandish, i.e. that a person in their 30s is old’.

      An easy way to keep the conversation light is to follow their lead in saying things with an unexpected twist e.g. ‘Old? You’re not old. You’re positively decrepit!’
      or
      ‘Old? Try ancient. I’ve seen Egyptian temples younger than you.’

      The second one works best if you haven’t been to Egypt. If you have, replace it with Easter Island statues or something. Also, I know ancient Egyptian architecture is mostly associated with pyramids. That’s why I said temples. The subtext is: ‘I see that you are saying inaccurate things for the sake of humour, allow me to join you’.

      No need to fear for your friends. They’re not all simultaneously developing secret age complexes, they’re just indulging in silly immature jokes when the opportunity presents itself, like a child putting the vacuum cleaner tube to their nose and saying ‘Hey look guys, I’m an elephant!’

      1. Double A*

        This is exactly it. I do make a decent amount of “I’m old” jokes (I’m early 40s) with friends and people who I think will enjoy that kind of joking because fundamentally in my mind I’m a 16 year old with a body that’s starting reverse puberty and that is hilarious. And great. “I’m old” comments are ironic, because I’m not old. However, my body is changing and I have different limits than I used to and that’s a whole interesting and ridiculous thing I and people my age are going through. So talking about it involves joking about it. Unless we are actually in denial or really struggling, then we’d probably be defensive about it.

        ThatOtherClare is wise in commenting that it’s fine if you don’t find this type of comment amusing. Maybe it rubs you as fishing for complements, like people expect you to say “You’re not old!” But you and your friends are factually *aging* and that’s what they’re wanting to talk about.

        1. Part time lab tech*

          Reverse puberty – as someone in their 40s who has a lot of curiousity about perimenopause at the moment, I love that term.

    6. Six Feldspar*

      I remember all through my twenties being socialised to fear turning thirty as this massive cliff I was going to fall off and lose my energy/hobbies/looks/any coolness I might have had (not much to lose there at least!).

      Then I actually got into my thirties and found that the cliff, if it exists at all, is about two inches tall and beyond it is a wide landscape where life goes on. There’s more responsibilities and chores but so much more freedoms too.

      Anyway your friends may be slowly feeling their way off the “turning 30” cliff, and it is a bit strange realising your body is now old enough that it could have potentially helped create and raise a whole person to adulthood.

    7. Six Feldspar*

      Also I keep in mind my grandparents (both in their mid 80s at the time): my grandpa was talking about getting onto the roof to fix something and my grandma was telling him off, he can’t go gallivanting like that, he’s not sixty anymore!

      1. Former Manager*

        My grandparents going on 90: “We’re not 85 anymore.” (Which makes sense, they are noticeably losing strength now. Still gives you perspective.)

    8. Cottontail*

      Do you know why your friends are saying that? For myself, I started to feel “old” at 35. I was noticeably (for me) losing energy, taking longer to recover from injuries etc. Of course, I knew I was actually old, but it was the first time my body started to put on the brakes for me. I also used to wake up in the morning with “old face” – a noticeably saggy face, giving a hint what I would look like in 10 or 15 years. I’m 60 now, and I don’t feel old in a way I’d mention to my friends, but I’m either invisible or patronized. (my teenager didn’t believe me on the latter, so we went into her favourite bath shop seperately, and she listened to how the staff treated me, and ended up agreeing that the staff were utterly patronizing to me. As if I couldn’t buy bath products).

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I agree. I definitely take longer to recover and heal, and parts of my body that I never said an unkind word to have decided they despise me and will make doing ordinary things like going up stairs a wretched experience out of nowhere.

        I’ve always had a youthful appearance and still look pretty “young for my age,” that is, I think I look younger than my mental vision of what 52 looks like. But when I hear people say that to me, I realize they think I could pass for 35, not 18, and it’s a jolt.

      2. not my usual self*

        Yeah, when I was in my late 30s I had a string of bad luck/injuries that resulted in chronic back pain. Due to this there are certain activities I can no longer safely do even though I had medical intervention and physical therapy at the time, and continue to do various types of core-strengthening exercise to compensate for my bad back, etc. I have indeed used “old” as shorthand for no longer being able to do the things I used to do before these medical issues.

    9. Ellis Bell*

      I feel the same way you do and I just respond honestly; “I actually like getting older”, “I would only go back to my teens if I could take all my wisdom and life hacks with me and nobody gets to make me do PE”, “I think I prefer this decade to my twenties, because (reasons), so what’s been your favourite period?”. They get to have a preference, but by the same rules so do you. They’re probably just making conversation anyway, and by being different and not responding in a typical way, you’ll be giving the conversation new life.

    10. Hyaline*

      Well, do they feel old for some reason? Your post focused on vanity/youth culture which may be all there is to it—but as a not quite forty year old heck yes I feel older than I did at 20 when it comes to my body and energy and mental load I drag around. Maybe it’s just a flippant joke, but maybe it’s a way to soften the edges of something that’s hard for them. I wouldn’t push back without leaving room for that.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah, in my 30s was probably when I started wrestling with aging. I wasn’t as good looking, I didn’t get the sense that my demographic was the cool thing advertisers were aiming at, I started feeling out of touch with tech trends but not interested in getting involved in them. My peer group started having back problems, hair turning grey, early wrinkles. My friends were mostly married with kids and started making “mom” type jokes about themselves. It’s a weird transition thing where you don’t feel like you can possibly be old yet – and you’re not, obviously – but you are confronted for the first time with the fact that you’re not exactly young either. If you don’t feel that way, that’s cool too! But I think we all started sniffing around each other about it around then.

        1. Sloanicota*

          Also, being single at 35, I had to confront the fact that if I really wanted children, I probably “should” have been further along with that goal by now, or at least aggressively dating with that in mind, which I wasn’t. Not that this is “true” objectively but I was receiving that message from society. And started to realize there had been some opportunity costs I hadn’t noticed … was it theoretically possible to go back to school and become a doctor or a lawyer at 35? – Yes, but without realizing it I had sort of closed those doors myself by then. The future wasn’t exactly “wide open” anymore. I was quite possibly half way through my life (my grandparents both died in their 70s).

          1. Sloanicota*

            I guess it reminds me of my friends who started to explore the word “fat” for themselves, maybe first in a self conscious or self-deprecating way, but over time came to feel like it wasn’t such a scary word and start to use it objectively to describe their body type, because using it took the pain out of it. Especially for women, “old” is one of the worst things society accuses us of. When you try to own it for yourself – maybe I *am* getting old, and maybe that’s okay – it can help. But you can still opt out of the conversation if it’s not clicking for you! Hmm, I guess I had a lot of thoughts on this topic, sorry (I’m in my 40s).

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          You’re definitely no longer in the “youths!” demographic and that can be pretty startling. To realize that you are no longer the cool kid or arty youngster or enfant terrible or child prodigy–you’re just an adult and your abilities can no longer shine more brightly because of your relatively short time on the planet.

          I think part of the problem is people don’t know what to do with themselves in our culture once they’re no longer kids but are not yet what we consider “seniors.” You theoretically have all the power you fantasized about as a kid–money, time, no laws saying you can’t do this or that–but of course that doesn’t mean you can or want to do any of the stuff you dreamed of; you’ve simply experienced too much reality to be able to daydream yourself into the “ideal” of a cross country trip or running away with the circus.

          But at the same time, it’s bewildering to be dealing with adult stuff like rent and bills and insurance–in a way it can almost feel like a betrayal, since up until now “the grown ups” did all that and you didn’t have to bother your pretty little head about it. Despite graduations and degrees, there’s really no ceremony that makes one FEEL adult.

      2. Annie Edison*

        Yes, this is exactly what I was thinking. I am in my late 30s now and remember being confused about the “we’re getting old” jokes in my early 30s, but very much feel changes in my body and in how society at large reacts to me.

        There’s joy in growing old, but grief and loss too, and when I make these sorts of jokes, it is very much to feel out whether or not those around me are feeling it too, and if my experiences are normal. My words are light hearted but the feelings underneath are complex.

      3. Jackalope*

        This is very true. I know that my current age (mid-40s) isn’t old, and that my body will feel so much older in a few decades, if I’m fortunate enough to live that long. But at the same time, I’m also noticing things that aren’t working as well as they did previously, and some of those things aren’t getting better. And as Sloanicota points out, there are things that if you’re in your 20s you still have the chance to do that by the time you’re in your 30s or 40s you can’t go back and pick up any more. It’s not the end of the world, but it’s a sobering reminder that we don’t have the infinite possibility in our life that I was told I’d have when I was a kid (“You can be anything you want to!”).

      4. ctrl-alt-delicious*

        Exactly this, I joke with my other early 30s friends about being older because the way my body reacts to things is changing as I age, and they typically share that experience. I can’t talk about this with people older than myself because they’re all “you’re too young to feel pain/wait till you get to my age” of which the first is ridiculous and the latter is fair, but still comes across as dismissive. As Double A said above, you and your friends are in fact aging, which comes with changes that are easy to joke about.

    11. Not A Manager*

      I’m lucky to have friends of all ages. Many of them are younger than me, some significantly younger. All of them complain/comment, in some way or another, about their age. And what I’ve realized is, everyone is currently the oldest they have ever been. Everyone has some reason to feel “old.”

      So now I try not to poo-poo those comments, even when to me they sound ridiculous. Everyone’s body has changed, everyone has fears about their future, everyone has regrets about their past. The fact that older bodies might have changed *more,* or be closer to death, or whatever else makes someone “really old” as opposed to only “pretend old,” isn’t relevant to what my younger friends are feeling internally.

    12. AGD*

      No advice, but I feel the same as you. I’m fortunate to have lived into my 30s, and my health is way better than it was in my 20s or teens (I finally got the diagnoses and treatments I needed). I don’t feel old – I feel superhuman compared to when I was a nearly constantly sick teenager. And I don’t like jokes about being old anyway – privately what I always wonder is whether these things simply reinforce societal ageism. Anyway, obviously these two things mean I never know how to react to the common kinds of jokes about aging.

      1. Abigail*

        Of course Bernie Sanders is old.

        There is “youth obsessed” but there is also “denial about aging.”

        Denial about aging when it comes to personal life is something I understand. When it comes to public officials I have absolutely no patience whatsoever. Bernie Sanders is old. So is Biden, Trump, Pelosi, Clinton’s, McConnell, and many others.

        They are old and denying the impacts age has on leadership is doing a massive disservice to the American public

    14. Bike Walk Barb*

      A couple of thoughts:

      You could congratulate them on becoming mature. That may be what they’re feeling as “old”: They’ve become adults and their prefrontal cortex is finally done forming. Did they want to remain immature?

      I sometimes say, “I’m every age I’ve ever been.” That’s 100% true. At 61 I carry inside me all the experiences, memories (some of them pretty faded or buried by layers like an archaeological dig), friends and loved ones, things I’ve done that have affected my body and what it can do today. I’m still 16, I’m still 28, I’m still 35, on and on.

      I’ve always had friends of various ages. I’ll admit to a certain impatience with people who fret out loud over turning an age I said goodbye to a decade or two past. It feels ageist even though I want to reclaim being old or older or an elder as words that shouldn’t carry such a sting “If you’re so old, what does that make me?” As you said, not that there’s anything wrong with being old. And now that I’m within hailing distance of being able to claim crone status I’m kind of looking forward to it.

      I definitely appreciate having become invisible to the male gaze. So freeing. Are these by any chance people who draw their sense of self-worth in part from being “gazeworthy” so they’re mourning that particular kind of loss? Now I’m hearing Bruce Springsteen’s “Glory Days” in my head.

    15. H.Regalis*

      I have very little patience for this, so my go-to response is, “You get older or you die.”

      If you’re sick of hearing them say that, make it boring for them to talk about it with you. Shrug, change the subject, duck out of those conversations if it happens when you’re in a group, etc. Give them zero encouragement to keep on that subject. They can very easily find others people to talk about this with.

      If you genuinely want to have a conversation with them about why they feel that way, by all means do so. You won’t change their minds, but it might be good for you all to hash it out together if what they’re saying is bothering you enough that you can’t let it go.

    16. HannahS*

      Also in my 30s, and also can’t relate to comments like that. I developed an illness in my late teens/early 20s and never really went through a period of feeling young and carefree and fun and healthy and beautiful. I feel (and look) better now than I did when I was younger, and I am certainly happier and more confident.

      If it gets to be too much, I suggest smiling and changing the subject, “I gotta be honest, I love being in my 30s. [List some reasons,] and I recently started [fun thing,] have you ever tried it?”

    17. Ron McDon*

      I always say ‘it’s better than the alternative’ whenever someone complains that they’re getting old – i.e. it’s better than not being alive to get old in the first place!

    18. cityMouse*

      omg I’m in my late 60’s and I’m beginning to get mighty annoyed at people commenting on my age. “Why do you need to know that?” when they ask how old I “really” am is my go-to.

      Sometimes I’ll say, “Well, I was there back when we invented fire, you know.”

  18. goddessoftransitory*

    What older TV series, streaming or otherwise, are you just starting or finishing?

    We just wrapped up Midnight Mass, which was excellent and had fantastic performances (especially from the villain.)

    1. Professor Plum*

      Some series that I’ve rewatched in the last year or so include: ER, LA Law, Mary Tyler Moore. These were like watching a trip down memory lane for me. Although I hadn’t watched the last several seasons of LA Law—and frankly after watching all of them now, they should have ended it sooner. Almost finished with The Resident—nowhere near as old as the others but since the series finished in 2023 it’s no longer a current series in my mind.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I watched all of Remington Steele last year and loved it! It’s great watching as an older adult and getting a lot of the jokes that went over the head of young teen me when I happened to catch an episode back in the day (like the one where a magazine is having a Most Eligible Batchelor contest that Remington is of course a part of, and all of the bachelors list the “book by their bedside” as The Prophet, which was The Secret of its day.)

      1. Sloanicota*

        I really liked the Mentalist! I wanted them to handle the arc overall differently, and it *was* kind of an unfortunate moment in TV history where “bad boys ignoring their nagging boss” (looking at you, House) was maybe not my favorite trope – but I still found that show very charming. And House too, especially in the earlier seasons. Or maybe I just love Robin Tunney’s beautiful face haha.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I liked it too! Simon Baker really pulled off the “charming but suffering” thing, which is really hard to do without becoming off putting.

      2. Anon Poster*

        I love Hart of Dixie! It’s been a while since I watched, but I feel like around season 2 they decided to minimize drama between the characters and just make every character super likeable. It was such a cute, happy show that I should probably pick up again. And it had a great finale!

      3. Texan In Exile*

        My favorite line in The Mentalist (and maybe any TV show ever?)

        Jason Wylie : You can call me “The Coyote.”
        Kimball Cho : I don’t think so.
        Jason Wylie : That’s just what they call me downstairs. Don’t ask me why, though. They never told me.

        Oh wait. There’s another one that’s just as good from The Detectorists:

        It’s the Holy Grail of detectoring!
        No. The Holy Grail is the Holy Grail of detectoring.

    3. The Prettiest Curse*

      It’s more of a mini-series, but I recently watched Spike Lee’s brilliant documentary series When The Levees Broke for the first time. Since it’s almost 20 years since Hurricane Katrina, it’s really interesting to watch it and reflect on what has and hasn’t changed since then.
      (Be aware before watching that it is very unsparing and incredibly sad. You also see a lot of footage of people in distress and of dead bodies, though I don’t think you could fully understand the horror of the situation without that footage.)

      1. run mad; don't faint*

        Terence Blanchard wrote an amazing musical score for it. Though like the documentary, it’s not something you may want to revisit repeatedly. Absolutely heartbreaking.

    4. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

      “Homicide: Life on the Street” is FINALLY on streaming (Peacock). It’s been an age and a half since I’ve seen the show. Finished watching season 2 last night. The show is just as good as I remember.

    5. Mitchell Hundred*

      Just last night I watched the penultimate episode of “Gilmore Girls.” It was my first time rewatching it, and noticed a lot of interesting stuff that escaped me the first time around (most notably how it focuses on people repeating their parents’ behaviour). My ire towards the final season has also softened a bit. It’s obviously not as good as the first six, but I think they got a handle on it towards the end and kinda stuck the landing.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I don’t think I liked the follow up movie either, which is weird because the original showrunner was doing it I think, so it should have fixed all my issues with the later seasons, BUT – I really liked the first several seasons of that show so much.

        1. Mitchell Hundred*

          I haven’t watched the miniseries yet, was waiting until I finished my rewatch.

          Yes, it’s taken a while. I cycle through shows on streaming rather than binging.

        1. Sloanicota*

          Interesting – because Lorelei isn’t as good a mom as she should be? I remember thinking at one point in the first season there was almost an unintentional message that being such a young mom was a *good* thing because they were so close, which I don’t think is what they were intending to convey. It’s right there in the title that they were both still “girls.”

          1. CityMouse*

            Yeah, as a parent you watch Lorelei and there’s this heavy degree of entitlement that she kind of foists onto Rory. You can argue the Netflix special kind of shows those chickens coming home to roost with how much of a mess Rory is, but it really isn’t called out in the show itself.

      3. Seashell*

        I love Gilmore Girls, as does my teenage daughter. Sometimes we just watch random episodes of it.

        I mostly liked the reboot, although there was one episode that was rather weird.

    6. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I’ve been catching a lot of *Reba* reruns lately in hotel rooms. I like the fact that besides an appealing central character, it also has a really strong supporting cast. It’s not easy playing characters who are often supposed to be sort of unlikable, but the supporting cast goes all out, and they can be quite funny.

    7. Anon Poster*

      I watched Midnight Mass last year, and I remember grabbing my phone during episode 2 or 3 to Google “Mike Flanagan Catholic” because man, did that guy have some stuff he wanted to work through. I love almost all of his shows.

      1. Pieforbreakfast*

        My husband and I were singing along during the mass scenes, which we don’t typically get to do. Loved this show.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Definitely an “ISSUES” show, but in a good way. Hamish Linklater really nailed the journey from “truly unexplainable event” through “trying desperately to reflect this through his faith” to “last minute confession of what he really, at the bottom of his heart, wanted and tried to obtain by perverting God’s will.”

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Oh, that was such a good one! One of my favorite cop shows, where the focus was on the cops as people rather than on crimes they solved. I loved Barney Miller for that reason too.

        1. A313*

          Barney Miller was such a great show — all of the characters were so great. I’m putting it on my list, thank you!

      2. Seashell*

        I loved it too. I watched some of it when it was originally on, watched it in reruns in the mid-90’s late at night when I had insomnia, and rewatched some again a year or two ago when some odd cable channel had it on.

    9. Middle Name Jane*

      I just finished a rewatch of Nurse Jackie. In the last year, I did a rewatch of The Sopranos (which I usually do every year). I also watched ER all the way through for the first time since it originally aired. I watched a few seasons of the original Dallas, which was fun. Not sure if I want to invest the time to watch the whole thing, though.

    10. AlexandrinaVictoria*

      I’m almost done watching House M.D. I hadn’t watched past the first 4 seasons when it was on, so it’s interesting to see where it went,

    11. allathian*

      We finished The Wire over the summer, it’s one of the shows I missed when it first aired.

      Just started the 4th season of Enterprise, so we’re almost done with this rewatch of the first 5 Trek shows, and introducing our son to them.

    12. WheresMyPen*

      Very British but I was obsessed with the show Casualty when I was young (too young to be watching it, about 9-13 years old! It’s like ER but British). Anyway, they’re showing the seasons I loved watching now on a rerun channel so I’m very much enjoying the nostalgia of watching those episodes again 20 years later!

  19. Alex*

    I want to eat more “grain bowl” type meals at home. I enjoy these types of meals when I get them at a restaurant, but somehow I become stuck for ideas for how to put one together at home. The ones I get at restaurants are usually more complex with more ingredients than I would do at home.

    Anyone have combinations they like? I have lots of different grains in my pantry–brown rice, black rice, farro, cous cous. But how do I come up with combinations and sauces? I need ideas that keep well as leftovers, as I need to prep meals ahead of time for busy days.

    1. Thatgirl*

      Get a variety of sauces you like, that can really help – hot sauce, chipotle, tahini, whatever floats your boat. Great for a drizzle or to toss your protein in. Pick a protein, a veg, a cheesy or crunchy element and a sauce or topping

      Ideas-
      Chickpeas, diced cucumber, feta, zhoug
      Black beans, diced onion, salsa verde
      Chicken, avocado, everything seasoning
      You get the idea :)

    2. AcademiaNut*

      Some combos I like

      Taco rice bowl: rice, cucumber, tomato, red onion, lettuce, taco meat, avocado, pickled jalapenos, cilantro, crumbled doritos, topped with hot sauce and grated cheese.

      Middle eastern: couscous, chickpeas, crumbled feta, roasted beets, olives, tomatoes, cucumbers, red onion, fresh herbs, diced chicken, a dressing of tahini and lemon juice drizzled over.

      Japanese: rice, tuna or salmon, edamame, seaweed, cucumber, blanched bok choy, toasted sesame seeds, green onion, top with Japanese roasted sesame dressing, or a ginger soy based dressing. (Technically, taco rice is Japanese too).

      Fall themed: grain or mashed potato base, roasted beets, carrots and squash, toasted pine nuts, sauteed mushrooms, shredded chicken or turkey, corn. You could top with gravy, or an onion dressing.

    3. Maggie*

      I recreate the ones from sweetgreen and Cava. You don’t have to use all the ingredients but I’ve found what takes my salads and bowls from “decent food to sustain me” to “really yummy” is not skipping on things like herbs, sauces, or crunchy toppings that a person might be tempted to skip at home. And people on social media make copycat sweetgreen dressing sometimes

    4. Unicornucopia*

      I’m not really good at different sauces, but I’ll share how I do my grain bowls. I adapted this from a NYT recipe of sheet pan vegetables with feta. I’ll cut up veggies (generally what’s left in the fridge, but always including one green vegetable, a bell pepper, and alliums) and toss them in olive oil and Italian seasoning, red pepper flakes, and salt and pepper, then put them on a sheet pan with a block of feta and half a lemon cut up. I give it 20-30 minutes at 400F and let the feta get crispy edges but also gooey. While this is going, I microwave quinoa to mix in. I don’t generally make a sauce, but instead let the excess olive oil and lemon juice and feta get all stirred up in the bowl. My vegetables I tend to use are sweet potatoes, small regular potatoes, Brussels sprouts, broccoli, asparagus, bell pepper, red onion, shallot, garlic, butternut squash, carrots, tomatoes, and I’ve also seen people do similar things including eggplant and zucchini and green beans. I like to have a combination of at least four of those and I find they mix and match pretty well, but I may put in the sweet potatoes a bit before the broccoli as needed for roasting time. I personally would rather cut up the items and freeze them and then pop in a new batch each time I make it but I’ve also made the veg alone ahead of time and added feta lemon and quinoa when I’m eating it for more of a meal prep situation.

    6. Anono-me*

      I like to do quina or leftover brown rice with grocery store deli/hotbar toppings.

      I also like rice and beans with a fried egg. avocado, shredded cheese and sour cream.
      (Boil a can of red or black beans with a little bullion, some onion, garlic and cumin. Mash up a few of the beans. )

    7. Six Feldspar*

      I try to build them like my salads, so my ideal grain bowl has:
      – a grain
      – a protein
      – a vegetable
      – a salty thing (olives, feta, etc)
      – a crunchy thing (seeds, nuts, etc)
      – a fresh thing (herbs, avocado, tomatoes, cucumbers, etc)
      – a sharp thing (lemon juice, vinegar, spicy sauce, pickles, etc)

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      America’s Test Kitchen did a cookbook on bowls, and there is a highlights-only magazine version.

      The mojo pork quinoa bowl would be right up your ally. And the cookbook does address how to pull together elements. Also quite liked the Bun Cha (pork patties with vegetables and rice noodles).

      1. StarryStarryNight*

        There are a few things I always have in my pantry or freezer because they add variety to bowls:

        – frozen edamame
        – sundried tomatoes
        – small cans of sweetcorn
        – roast onions

        Can I also piggyback on this and ask for recommendations of what containers everyone uses for their bowls? I usually make bowls to take into work, so I want something like Tupperware (so no glass/ceramics) but where both the bowl and the lid can go in the microwave.

        1. not my usual self*

          I think the only containers I’ve bought where it was a bad idea to microwave with the lid were indeed pyrex glass containers with non-glass lids. The usual storage containers I buy are called Rubbermaid Take-Alongs I think? I do microwave them with the lid on but I open the lid and just set it back down on top without actually closing it before microwaving the food.

    9. Chaordic One*

      I don’t have any specific recipes to recommend, but I LOVE adding barley to these kinds of things. Sauce-wise you might consider adding different salad dressings and marinades. (I love lemon marinade or a good vinaigrette.) My standby is Worcester sauce. And of course there is butter. (Butter makes makes everything better.)

    10. not my usual self*

      I have a few specific recipes for them but the one I recalled right away was Smitten Kitchen’s Miso Sweet Potato and Broccoli Bowl (she does mention the specific rice mixture she used when she made it, I think I’ve usually just used brown rice though). The sauce for that one is really good!

    11. WheresMyPen*

      I just had a yummy Mexican burrito bowl. It had Mexican spicy rice, roasted veg (onions, peppers), beans, lettuce, cheese, sweetcorn, guacamole and sour cream.

      I also like making poke bowls with jasmine rice, aubergine and cauliflower roasted in a teriyaki sauce (soy sauce, teriyaki sauce, chilli paste, ginger, garlic) with soy beans, carrots and cucumber.

  20. Bethlam*

    Advice for dealing with facial hair, please. I’m 68 and, before chemo, I had the expected “older woman” facial hair. I had to pluck some from the corners of my upper lip, and some wiry ones on my chin.

    During chemo I lost every hair on my body except my eyebrows and eyelashes (???). My thick eyebrows thinned, but I still had them. And yay to not having to shave my legs for 6 months.

    Now, not only is all my previous hair coming back, I have this peach fuzz coming in all over my cheeks and down my jaw.

    I really, really don’t want to shave it because then I’ll have to keep doing it, and it will keep coming in thicker and darker. Any suggestions for dealing with it?

    1. Part time lab tech*

      I have hormonal coarse facial hair and have been trying a Eflornithine topical cream. In Australia you need to find a compounding chemist and it’s expensive but it goes under Vaniqua elsewhere. After 2 months I have noticed a slowing in growth rate and thickness, maybe 30%. I do forget to put it on and the info suggested 6 months for evaluating.
      Laser is not effective on my hair colour. Electrolysis was effective, expensive and painful even with a numbing cream. I also noticed tiny pock marks when putting on make up. Hair removal creams give me a rash.
      I normally wax every 3 to 4 weeks and maintenance pluck for the textural reasons you mention. I can go 4-5 weeks with the cream.
      If it’s only a few hairs, electrolysis might be a good option.
      Good luck! Oh and dermatology is the medical specialty.

    2. ThatOtherClare*

      So there’s plenty of excellent commercial options out there regarding creams, waxes, laser treatments etc. But even if you’re cash-poor, time-poor, or stuck living in the back of nowhere, you’re not completely without options.

      Turmeric will slow hair growth. Unlike many home remedies, turmeric is scientifically backed (although still not fully understood). It sends some kind of message to the hair follicles to switch them off.

      If you do try turmeric:
      1)Allergy test on the inside of your elbow first. Sometimes skin dislikes the things you can eat without a problem.
      2) If your skin is light it may stain, but it will come off with a gentle scrub.
      2)Don’t waste your money on expensive extracts, culinary turmeric is fine.

      Alternatively, if you end up giving in and shaving, chamomile or unprocessed honey are both good hair lightening options. There are lots of recipes on the internet for mixing raw honey with other things to make peroxide, but that’s a bit much for face skin. Raw honey can lighten hair on its own without being converted to peroxide. It’s just slower because it’s gentler – which is exactly what you want for your face.

      It’s all a bit slow, complicated and messy using natural products, but they’re also much cheaper and easier to source. I use them because I can always get hold of them, basically.

      1. Blue*

        Just fyi to the OP on turmeric – whether your skin is light or not, it WILL stain. It will also stain your hands and nails, as well as sinks etc if left on long enough. So just be very careful while using it. I would leave it on for just 2-5 minutes at a time before washing it off.

    3. mustachioed*

      Commiseration! fwiw I’ve had peach fuzz my whole life (and, more recently, coarser chin/lip hair) and I haven’t found that shaving makes it come back thicker or darker. The appearance of new hair may look darker or thicker just because it’s new (there’s a Healthline page with more specifics), but since there are no permanent effects, you could always try shaving and see how your hair acts.

      I don’t have any great tips, so I’ll just say the best solution is the one you can do regularly without it impeding your life more than you’re willing to tolerate. I used to bleach and pluck more religiously but eventually I got tired of it so now I just shave.

    4. UKDancer*

      Laser hair removal is great so is IPL which is slightly gentler. It does grow back but there’s a lot less of it. So I’d definitely recommend either . Just make sure you use a reputable practitioner and check their reviews.

    5. Weegie*

      You might find that the peach fuzz goes of its own accord. I experienced this after chemo, mostly on my forehead and temples. I was very self-conscious about it, but my doctor assured me she couldn’t even see it. In the end, I took to towelling my face dry a little more vigorously as usual in the affected areas, and the excess hair disappeared and didn’t grow back.

      1. WS*

        I was coming to say this too. It went away of its own accord. My head hair also grew in differently, but unlike some people’s it went back to normal after another 6 months or so. My eyebrows grew back noticeably lighter and stayed that way!

        1. Miss Buttons*

          I had the facial peach fuzz after chemo also. It was noticeable when it first grew in. Now a few months later it is barely noticeable. It’s very blond and no problem. I hope yours will resolve itself after a few months, Bethlam.

    6. Kusaga*

      I invested in an at home laser hair removal device in the 250-300 dollar range. Glad I did. I used it regularly at first for all spots I didn’t want hair; legs, armpits, face. Glad I did. Now I rarely shave and just touch up with the device. Works better on darker hair of course, but for me finer hairs as well.

    7. Generic Name*

      I am a woman and I have fine hairs all over my face, and I think it’s pretty normal. Normal as in no one in my 45 years has ever commented on it. Not even that boy in my 5th grade class who saw fit to tell me how hairy my arms are (thanks, Peter, I hadn’t noticed). ;) I wonder if those hairs were always there but after losing all hairs they are or at least seem more prominent?

      2. Part time lab tech*

        The fine hairs are vellus (which are normal and don’t bother me). The coarse hairs are terminal (I’ve heard them called them testosterone hairs) and bother me a lot (because bearded ladies don’t blend into the background:)

    8. Bethlam*

      Thanks everyone. Since several of you said yours went away after a while, I think I’ll leave it alone for now. It’s very fine and light, and very short at the moment.

      Plus, I don’t see a lot of people, and wouldn’t care if one of my friends commented on it. And, as I’ve said about quite a few post-cancer things, if this is the worst I have to deal with, I’ll be grateful.

      Speaking of hair, people who said the hair on my head might come back in a different color or texture were right. Pre-chemo, my hair was poker straight and the new hair (though still really short) is quite wavy. Pre-chemo the color was medium brown with a little grey sneaking in. The new hair has much more grey -a very salt and pepper look, and the pepper part is much darker than my original hair.

    9. Lifelong student*

      I found a small device on Amazon- cost only about $9.oo or so. It looks like a lipstick case, works on a battery. It is an electric facial hair remover. Works just fine- doesn’t look like you’ve been shaved.

    10. Hyaline*

      I have peach fuzz and those facial razors/dermaplane tools work great. It definitely does NOT make it grow back darker or thicker, and the dermaplaning exfoliates, too. Honestly, unless it bothers you to the point that you want a permanent solution for it, don’t overthink, just dermaplane/”shave” every week or so–I add it to a mini at-home facial so it feels less chore-y, more spa-y.

    11. Unbearded Lady*

      Just shave!

      Shaving ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT make facial hair come in thicker and darker. Yes I’m shouting. This is an old wives tale, maybe started when teenagers started shaving, because as the teen matured, the hair came in thicker and darker anyway. Same thing with women shaving their legs. If you’re lucky to have inherited hairy body parts, they’ll reach their peak of hairiness well into your 20s. Leg hair will start to lessen maybe past your 60s.

      As for facial hair, it’s hormones again, in the other direction, especially “peach fuzz”. There are many products to get rid of peach fuzz, but most are pushing “more feminine” methods because they want to convince you that shaving is somehow “too masculine” (and don’t get me started on the “pink tax” making razors marketed to women the same as those to men except for the color, with 20% price differences).

      Just shave your face. Apply a hot washcloth, use good shaving cream for sensitive skin, and a multi-blade razor. To disguise the scent, wash the shaved parts with something that has a scent you like.

      Nair and Sally Hansen brands each make a make “creme hair remover”that work but can be harsh. Waxing is painful. Electrolysis is pricy, painful, lengthy, and can leave scars that appear later (this happened to me – had mustache removal in my 20’s, scars showed up after 55 along with hormone-induced hair growth after menopause.). Laser hair removal is very pricy, is not really permanent, and only works well mostly on fair skin and dark hair.

      I write this as an over-65 female who inherited the hirsute genes from the furrier side of her family. I also had a mostly-no-body-hair mother who was convinced that shaving with shaving cream would make leg hair get thicker and darker and told me I should be shaving with a dry blade (ouch!)

      For decades I have both dealt with and researched causes of, and ways to get rid of, excess body and facial hair. A good triple-blade razor and shaving cream for sensitive skin are now my go-to items.

      1. mustachioed*

        This reminded me I tried the Sally Hansen creme hair remover several years ago. It hurts! And made my skin very red and tender-looking, like I was sunburnt. Shaving or just leaving the peach fuzz is much less obvious.

      2. Morning Reader*

        I concur. I will pluck if I get a stray dark hair, because I think it might show more than the fuzz, but I just shave every week or two, mostly chin. Mostly when I’m going somewhere dressier than usual, or just when it’s been awhile. It definitely does not make more hair grow in darker.

  21. Annie*

    Socially acceptable ways a stranger can communicate in public that they DON’T hate someone else’s child(ren)?

    A lot has been said about how American society isn’t the most child-friendly, usually in terms of social programs we don’t have but should, or how people are overly judgmental of parents and/or children who don’t act perfectly, whatever “perfectly” would look like in that context.

    I’m looking for actionable ways a stranger can credibly say in the moment, “I’m not part of that problem”.

      1. Annie*

        America’s supposed child-hostile culture comes up every so often in the comment section of open threads, e.g. the August 31 thread:

        https://www.askamanager.org/2024/08/weekend-open-thread-august-31-september-1-2024.html#comment-4842020

        https://www.askamanager.org/2024/08/weekend-open-thread-august-31-september-1-2024.html#comment-4842688

        I’m looking for ways to noticeably “be the change you want to see”, in this case, fixing America’s supposed child-hostile culture one positive interaction at a time.

        1. Sloanicota*

          To be fair, in both those cases, it was one aggressively child-negative person who put a damper on the parent’s day, despite many kindly-pro-child systems in place (the library having a kids room and read-aloud time; the synagogue carefully establishing a pro-family policy). So maybe the lesson is more active bystander intervention when you see someone being an Active Grump in an inappropriate situation? Maybe the parent doesn’t feel equal to sticking up for themselves, but a kindly bystander could say, “excuse me, leave them alone, this is a child’s library” (maybe even getting a librarian) or “I’m happy to have them sit by me” or something.

          1. HannahS*

            Carefully establishing a pro-family synagogue policy BECAUSE the congregation was dying and resistant to change; my single interaction was not the whole story.

            I agree completely with your recommendations, but also, it goes a long way to have people smile at me and my daughter. When there’s one aggressively negative person in a sea of indifferent faces, it’s pretty rough.

    2. RagingADHD*

      Just act like someone who like kids.

      Smile and wave at them.

      If they’re older babies through preschool, play peekaboo.

      If you need to interact with them like opening doors or navigating a narrow through-way, say “excuse me,” “thank you,” etc, directly to them.

      If they are younger than about about age 7-8, and they are wearing or doing something interesting or nice, compliment them: “Wow, your Spiderman costume is great!” or “What a wonderful chalk drawing, did you make that?” or “You’re pushing the cart? What a big helper!”

      If they’re rowdy or crying, give the parent a sympathetic smile and offer a granola bar or something from your purse, if you have one. (To the parent, not the kid). Or say something sympathetic like, “It’s a tough time of day.”

      The key that distinguishes appropriate friendliness from creepiness is to not prolong the interaction beyond the natural circumstances (like standing in line), keep your distance, and to not expect/ push for any particular response. If the child clearly doesn’t want to engage, drop it.

      1. RagingADHD*

        If they’re older than 7-8, you can still compliment them but tone it down a bit and make it a little more like you’d compliment an adult – “Cool shirt!”

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        The above.

        I will often drop in “Mine are in graduate school” as a way to convey that I have been there, and the amount of noise being made is totally within norms for small children.

      3. Sloanicota*

        I have definitely heard young parents, in a time of struggle, remember a time a kindly older person said they were doing a great job or helped them out in some way. They were so moved by that. I try to help with doors/strollers and give a kind smile when I can, and because of my lifeguarding past, privately consider myself on Safety Patrol when I see a lot of kids who may be lightly supervised, in the “it takes a village” type way. Especially around water or a busy road. (But I never mention to the parents that I’m doing that, of course, it’s just a private thing Just In Case).

      5. WoodswomanWrites*

        All of these suggestions are what I do also.

        When I’m on a plane and there’s a family with a baby or toddler behind me after we’ve gotten into our seats, I stand up and introduce myself. I comment on their cute kids, and smile and do a game of peek-a-boo. I keep this interaction short and sit back in my seat.

        I don’t have kids and therefore can’t speak as a parent. My experience is that this exchange has always been welcome, so they indirectly know I won’t complain about noisy or crying little ones. When we chat, they often bring that up overtly and thank me for it.

        If a young kid is in front of me, there’s almost always a moment in flight when they look at me, either peeking between the seats or when their parent has them stand up on their lap. I always play peek-a-boo with them. Not only have parents appreciated that, but it’s fun for me, too.

        1. Jules the First*

          We often get adults coming by our table as they leave and commenting about how lovely it is to see kids out being part of our lives, which is a nice neutral thing you can comment whether the kids have been noisy or quiet. The nicest thing anyone has ever done for me in public was the single mom travelling without her kids who spotted me on the airport train with my hands full of toddler, luggage, and buggy and simply came up to us and said “hi, you’ve got your hands full – what would be more helpful: if I loaded your stuff on the train or entertained your kid?”. I also fondly remember the older couple on one flight who were sat a few rows away and came over when the seatbelt sign came off to say they were on their way to collect their grandchildren for the summer and knew just how hard it could be to travel with small people and that I should feel free to call on them at any point if I needed an extra pair of hands or a break or just a chat. They must have made that offer to several parents in flight because they had a different small human in their laps each time we walked past. My parents (seasoned parents to three and grandparents to four) now make the same offer…my mom also always has little inexpensive finger puppets in her bag when travelling that she’s happy to use to entertain or give away.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        This happened a few years ago, but it was a charming experience, so I’ll tell it here.

        I was buying groceries, going through the produce section. A woman was studying the eggplants, while her toddler was sitting in the cart next to her. He was holding a Paw Patrol toyset in his hands, but he was holding it with the front out so that other people could see it and he was looking at the back.

        He said “Hi!” when I looked at him, so I said “Hi” back (because you always say hi back to little kids when they say hi, or wave back at them when they wave at you). Well, this small exchange started a whole conversation about his Paw Patrol toyset, and how he was so excited to finally be getting it, and how he was going to have fun with it, etc. I responded appropriately throughout (which was pretty much just saying things like “oh, really?” because he did the vast majority of the talking), and I finally ended with “Well, I have to finish buying groceries, it was great to talk with you” or something like that. He said “Bye” and started looking for other people to show his Paw Patrol toyset to.

        Meanwhile, his mother continued to look through the eggplants. She apparently knew she had a kid who liked to talk to strangers in the grocery store and was perfectly fine with it. I’m pretty sure he forgot about our conversation by the time the next person walked by, but it made my whole weekend.

        2. WheresMyPen*

          I do the parkrun most weeks (walking) with a friend and on one lap one week, a woman and her kid were doing it. Well, he decided we were going to be his conversation partners that week. He asked our names, if we had kids, if we liked to play Roblox and then when we said no, spent the rest of the lap telling us all about Roblox. It was adorable. His mum was apologetic but we enjoyed hearing how passionate he was and it’s nice to think you played a part in making a kid’s day every once in a while :) plus I’m sure she’d had her fill of Roblox conversations!

    4. placeholdername*

      Occasionally I’ve found that parents will apologize for their kid being disruptive/loud/bothering me, often when they’re just being a kid! When that happens I’ve had good luck with “It’s totally fine; I have younger brothers”. Replace with whatever in your life works to show that you understand how kids are and aren’t annoyed (lots of baby cousins/you used to volunteer in a daycare/you were the same way at that age/etc). I also try to thank people if they do things like move aside their kid’s stroller for me to pass by in an aisle!

    5. BellaStella*

      Interesting. I smile at kids etc but I find the opposite in America with my friends’ kids at the centre of lots of stuff requiring us childfree cat ladies to adapt to at public places or when getting together but that is ok as I want to see my friends and sometimes they have kids so I am happy with kids to come too. In my experience I will engage if appropriate again by smiling and maybe a wave to kids on trains etc here (Europe) and when home in Seattle same for kids I do not know. For the ones I do know we engage too when being social to include them and if I want a kid free night I ask them to come to a bar for a drink. I like that you want to be more positive too. Just smile and be kind to parents whose kid ay be having a bad day too that will help.

    6. Not A Manager*

      If the child seems happy and is just being rambunctious, I say something to the parent like “your child is adorable,” or “don’t you wish you had that kind of energy,” or “parkour is next!” If the child is crying/fussing/having a tantrum I say “wow, it’s so hard being a baby/toddler/big boy,” or “I guess we all have Big Feelings sometimes.” Anything to let the parent know that you understand that their child is a person with experiences, and not just an annoyance to adults.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Yeah, I find that sympathizing directly with a fussy little kid often gives them a pattern-interrupt and sometimes gives the parent a smile.

        Like if it’s 6pm on a weekday and I had to stop for groceries on the way home from work, I’ll tell a whiny / crying preschooler “I know, I feel exactly the same way.”

        Because I do. I don’t want to be there, I want to be at home with my pajamas on.

        They usually look so surprised!

      2. Samwise*

        Yes, I’ll say either “that is such a fun age! I remember when my son was like that!” Or “that’s a rough age…I remember when my son went through it”.

    7. KatCardigans*

      As somebody with a toddler who is struggling to internalize the idea of inside voice vs. outside voice, a friendly smile goes a really long way! Especially if we’re in a challenging moment, it says to me, “I don’t resent this kid being in this public space.”

    9. Double A*

      I have young kids. When someone smiles at me and them I know they like kids! Especially if my kids are doing something that someone who hates kids would find annoying, like speaking or being enthusiastic about their surroundings. Especially if we’re in a place that’s not specifically for kids, like a store.

      No one has ever done this for me, but I was in an airport and this mom was with a kid who was completely melting down and as I passed by I said something like, “You’re doing a great job. He’s working through it. We’ve all been there.” (Even as a childless person you can say “We’ve all been there” because you, as a child, most certainly threw fits and were disruptive in public at some point.)

      1. Some rain*

        Yes, as a current parent of young kids, these are the moments that have meant the most to me in terms of community support from strangers! Twice we’ve been eating with our children in restaurants (while traveling), working hard to be good guests — trying to keep a lid on things while staying positive — and I think we mostly succeeded but it was probably clear to an observer that it wasn’t exactly a relaxing meal for us grown-ups. Both times, a couple who had been dining at a nearby table stopped by on their way out to smile warmly at our children and tell us “you’re doing a great job” and variations on “thank you for your service, teaching little humans how to live in a society” (I’m paraphrasing, they were more graceful in their wording!). I still recall those strangers warmly and remember those moments when I need to fend off parental insecurity! But that’s probably above and beyond— really just the warm smile is a whole lot.

      1. Might Be Spam*

        I can move my eyebrows independently of each other. Babies are fascinated by this, especially when I do it in patterns.

    11. Susie*

      I think these are all helpful comments when dealing with typically developing kids.

      As a parent of a child with complex needs, including being legally blind and nonverbal, I get so much judgment when my child does not respond in a socially acceptable way when someone greets her in public. When she was younger and we could still use a mass-market stroller, she presented as a typically developing child on first glance. If she didn’t respond when someone smiled and waved, I got responses ranging from “she’s rude” to confused looks. Now that she uses a wheelchair, I still get confused/curious looks.

      Be friendly to kids and parents just living their lives.
      *But don’t expect a response*

      Our neurodiverse children, children who are learning about consent and safety around strangers, and nonverbal children–to name a few–will be grateful.

  22. California Dreamin'*

    This is not meant to kick off any generational disputes… but in a spirit of fun, I want to talk generational identity!
    I’m an older Gen X. I identify quite strongly with all the Gen X stereotypes I hear of… latchkey kid from an early age, independent, being left alone to mostly raise myself by loving but very hands-off parents, tough and resourceful (drank from the garden hose and all that.) I have serious nostalgia for everything ’80s. My younger kids are firmly in Gen Z and seem like Gen Z’ers.
    My husband and older child, however, are truly cusp babies. Husband was born in the last year of Boomers but would never identify himself as a Boomer (really he couldn’t care less anyway.) Oldest child was born in the final month of the Millennial time period (or according to some sources just barely missed it) and seems a bit put out that he’s not really, truly a Millennial but also not in Gen Z by anyone’s count so therefore has no generational “home.”

    Do you identify strongly with your societal generation? If you were a cusp kid, do you still feel part of the generation that contains folks quite a lot older than you, or younger than you, that may have different cultural touchpoints?

    1. talos*

      I was born in 1999, which makes me an early Gen Z member. I don’t really feel like one? I missed the recession, but otherwise I generally see myself in things written about millennials, not Gen Z. And I started using the Internet when the Internet was owned by millennials, so my Internet spaces and cultural touchstones are mostly millennial ones.

      1. talos*

        Also, it was so long before I knew literally anything about TikTok. Like, I thought it was just Snapchat for many months?

      2. Busy Middle Manager*

        I predict the year cut offs will change again. I still see various #s. There was no specific event between X and millennial and even less so between millennial and Z. I would argue the boomer/X line is blurry too and only exists because the actual baby boom ended. You may be classified as millennial again

        1. Ice Queen*

          The event line I’ve always seen used for between Millenial and Gen Z is whether or not they can remember 9/11.

    2. The Prettiest Curse*

      I’m a Gen X’er and don’t really think about generational identity very much – possibly because other generations get discussed a lot more than we do! My (American) husband was also born at the tail end of the Boomer period and so doesn’t really consider himself either a Boomer or Gen X. (If you made him define himself, he would call himself an 80’s kid.)

      The only generalisation (I don’t consider it a stereotype because it does have basis in truth) that I even think about on a regular basis is the one about Gen X white feminist women being TERFs. This definitely is not the case for me, as I strongly support trans rights and make regular donations to organisations working in that area.

      I also think that generational discussions might be slightly more of a US thing. I think the UK probably focuses a bit more on class in discussions of social identity than the US – though I think that this changing somewhat in both directions due to social media.

    3. Six Feldspar*

      I’m an early millennial (late 80s), love me some avocado toast!

      I think generations vs demographics can get confused pretty easily and social class/economic status creates stronger characteristics.

      However what I have noticed is how different generations deal with a bad product from a company or bad service.

      Boomers I know tend to complain about the service either to the company or to warn off people about it. Me and other people my age I know tend not to complain about bad service, but we won’t mention the place to others and recommend other places we’ve had good experiences at instead.

      It’s an interesting divide between “raising a complaint and warning others” vs “not giving a bad place any free attention and uplifting their competition instead”.

      1. Jackalope*

        I just had my first avocado toast last year and I have to say that it’s awesome! I don’t get why it get so much hate; who could be against avocado spread on toast? (Okay, that’s tongue-in-cheek; I know the kind of people who tend to complain about it and I can figure out why they do. But seriously, people, just try some!)

    4. Just Human*

      I don’t even know what generation I’m supposed to be. Any time I’ve seen a discussion on it, the boundaries are different. It’s ridiculous.

      The whole concept seems overly simplistic and like astrology for age-obsessed people. I ignore the whole thing.

      1. Sloanicota*

        This is the way! Are there some broad generational trends, yes, but if your identity would shift entirely if you were born in 1980 versus 1981 versus 1982, that is astrology.

      2. Double A*

        This is true to a certain extent but I also think your age when certain cultural and historical events happen is really impactful. Like, if you were 5 when 9/11 happened it’s different than if you were 10/20/50.

        I also feel my understanding of the Internet is pretty unique to a small generation (1980-1987 or so) because we’re at such a formative age when the Internet was developing along with us.

        That being said, I am into generational divination in a way I know is beyond rational and I try to remember it’s all in good fun and, just like astrology or religion, is just a frame for storytelling and understanding the world. Different people will find it meaningful or not.

      3. run mad; don't faint*

        Yes, it’s strange to me that I’m considered a completely different generation than my brother. There’s only 2 years dividing us.

    5. Anima*

      I am millennial, and I feel like it. I also think this concept is too simple, but I also like it as a think piece. How does being born in a certain timeframe influence a person? Something like that.
      I grew up in eastern German, which adds another layer to that – I am a digital native, but I remember playing in the street with my friends in elementary school, too. No phone in sight. We just were a few years behind the rest of Germany in adopting the internet and later mobile phones.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        This resonates so much! I also think the concept is oversimplified (completely refused to engage with at the start), but can be interesting as a cue for reflection.

        I’m from the countryside in mainland Europe and, as an elder Millennial, have similar memories of growing up with technology that felt novel but still kind of behind the curve (I live in the UK now and my home country still hasn’t caught up in many ways). I grew up playing outside until late at night in summer, being a bit of a latchkey kid, and doing “tough but resourceful” stuff like OP said – which I thought was the norm in my time, but apparently was more common to the previous generation?

        So there are definitely layers and I enjoy learning about them! To OP’s question, I guess Millennial isn’t too strong a part of the identity I give myself, but it is a fact that it’s easier to connect with people my age than say Gen Z, because we tend to have similar references we can use as meeting points (music we grew up to at certain ages, beliefs / behaviours we saw in our parents and may have inherited, etc.).

        1. Sloanicota*

          Yep, there are some technological things that are different about my life versus people born 5-10 years later. No cell phones growing up (and thus no navigational apps either), no videos of my childhood at all – just memories! – not nearly as many photographs in general, just the ones developed from film at the drug store. These things impact us, sure. But partly that’s a quirk of where I was raised, in a more backwards place, and the fact that my folks weren’t early-adopter types, and we weren’t wealthy. We did have an early-ish home computer because my dad brought one home from work, but it didn’t do a whole lot for a long time so it didn’t quite feel revolutionary.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      Gen X and none of your stereotypes resonate with me at all. I have no 80s nostalgia. I tend to like music from the 90s and aughts.

      I agree with the astrology plus age take, mostly.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        I’m Gen X and I love 80s music because that’s when I was a teenager.

        But when I need to listen to music that can find that sore spot in me and press up against it, it’s definitely 70s music, all the way.

    7. OaDC*

      I am older-mid GenX and I do identify with it, in that I am NOT a Boomer and NOT a Millennial. Not a latchkey kid, nor were most of my friends, but pretty independent. I had a W-2 job when I was 14, and pretty much everyone in my upper middle class high school worked when they were 16, mostly fast food jobs. I love love love 80s music and feel sorry for those who did not get to experience it live. I smile at 80s references when I encounter them in books or movies but don’t sit around pining for the past at all.

      I consider myself part of a Flowers In the Attic micro generation.

        1. The Prettiest Curse*

          Yeah, those books were so big when I was a teenager, and I never saw the appeal of them at all!

        2. OaDC*

          So awful. Whenever I hear a banning books discussion I think “Doesn’t sound as awful as Flowers in the Attic…”

      2. Busy Middle Manager*

        As per latckheys..

        The latchkey kid thing never registered in my brain until a few years ago. People are now telling all of these stories about how hard it was. Maybe I grew up privileged but my area was pretty working class and middle class. At least half the moms were SAHM, the rest worked but everyone seemed to get home super early (compared to the hours people work only 30-40 years later). Moms were pulling in the driveway at a very early-for-now 5:00 or 6:00. We thought it was crazy that a few neighborhood kids ate dinner at the ungodly late hour of 7:00. So basically, it was 2 hours after school with no parent. What’s the problem! This is what I don’t get. So many stories online about how hard it was, but you just did your thing like you were going to do if mom was home.

        And yeah people “drank from hoses” but we still didn’t have city water then, the well water was good, and the hoses didn’t have the chemical plastic taste they have now. At least not that I remember. So I always felt there’s a little revisionist history going on with that one. Now, if mom locked you out all day, and that’s why you drank out of the house, not fun. But from what I saw, some moms only did that on occasion (like needing one day a month of quiet), not every day.

        I’m guessing that people constantly complaining on reddit about being latchkey either had other issues with their parents, or had some emergency where it would’ve helped to have an adult around.

        1. California Dreamin’*

          I’m not sure everyone is actually Complaining about being a latchkey kid… like you said, I was home for maybe a couple hours before my mom got home, and it wasn’t hard at all! In fact, it was kind of great. I had a snack and did my own thing. But the reason it’s notable, at least to me, is that I was doing that by around 3rd grade, and that is Completely Unheard Of now. I didn’t leave my kids alone in the house until they were middle school age, and even then it was an occasional brief thing at first.
          So members of later generations just wouldn’t likely have the same experience as so many Gen Xers did.

        2. Ellis Bell*

          Experiences vary so much on that one. I had friends who loved the freedom and those are the most likely people to self identify as “latchkey kids”. The ones who were bullied by older siblings, the ones who were single handedly raising really small kids and living on ramen noodles… they don’t talk about it as much. However as a teacher I’ve seen the first type of “latchkey kid” fade away, the second kind is sort of perennial.

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        OMG, Flowers! Such a great example of “so sexy and forbidden” when you’re a teen, and then you read it as an adult and go WTAF??? Who let us near this??

    8. ecnaseener*

      Zillennial, like your kid. I don’t really relate to gen Z things, a little to millennial things (which might just be because I have an older sibling but no younger siblings).

      Really, the defining experience of being the age I am is that as a kid, every year on 9/11, my teachers would be a little surprised and disappointed to realize that our class hadn’t been old enough to understand what was happening. (The previous year’s class had been in kindergarten in 2001, and I guess the difference was striking for the teachers.) So I have always had that sense of being on a generational border.

    9. Ellis Bell*

      I’m Gen X, I definitely get nostalgic about 80s music, and because I work with kids I’m well aware of how different things are for them growing up in a digital age; some of the things they have to navigate online aren’t fair, especially when parents are clueless, and we were spared all that. But there are upsides too, and more freedom of discussion and information. I feel like they get more social media pressure, but they’re more open minded too. However I still remember feeling shocked when I first encountered children who weren’t allowed out without a grownup. In the early aughts, my neighbours kids, who were tweens, were begging me to let them do free garden work because they were bored. I suggested going on a bike ride, but they weren’t allowed. It’s understandable, but so different to our childhood.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah I do think there’s important conversations to be had about the limitations of kids’ freedoms and the overscheduling / higher pressure being put on today’s children and youth. But unfortunately making it a generational discussion immediately takes it off the rails IMO – you’ve always got some Gen X crowing about how they were the last cool kids, you’ve got Boomers grumbling, you’ve got defensive Millennials chiming in that they’re not *really* like that etc etc. The generational stuff needs to die.

    10. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’m in that nebulous range that can be the youngest of gen x or the oldest millennial, depending on whose determination you’re using. (Or the Oregon Trail mini-generation if we’re being super snowflake.) I feel like I probably fit more with the millennials than gen x – I had my first computer at 3 (an Apple IIc – I still have it), learned how to program on it when I was six, hooked the family computer up to the internet when I was probably 13-14 – we didn’t have our own account and I wasn’t technically allowed, but I had a username on my friend’s AOL account and I plugged it into the phone line when my parents weren’t home and yes I got busted for it on the regular. My music taste mostly froze in the late 90s and I literally never listened to the radio again after I got my first iPod. I don’t remember the Challenger (though I know I saw the broadcast at kindergarten, I just don’t remember it) but I was 20 and working in a high rise on 9/11.

    11. Alex*

      I’m a cusp GenX/Millennial and I’d say I feel that way! Some GenX nostaliga definitely resonates with me (but from when I was VERY young) and I was definitely raised to do stuff independently–probably a bit more so than my peers, possibly because I was an only child of two working parents.

      I’m not even sure what the Millennial stereotypes are really. When Millennials were young there was a lot of “those lazy Millennials!” but I think that’s what people say about every generation when it is young.

      I’ve heard my age be described as the mini “Oregon Trail” generation and that DEFINITELY resonates with me lol. So many hours playing Oregon Trail….

    12. Excel Gardener*

      I’m a younger millennial (born 1993), and I do identify with it to some extent. However I often feel like generational discourse skips over my cohort, because when people talk about millennials and the experiences that defined them they’re usually talking about elder millennials.

      For example, people talk a lot about the financial crisis and how that impacted millennials’ careers right when they graduated. You hear stories of college graduates moving in with their parents and working retail. But me and my peers luckily missed all that. When we graduated, the job market was much better, though obviously not as good as it has been in the past three years. Not everyone got a job right when the graduates, but almost everyone had a full time “career” job within a year.

      And there are more examples of supposedly defining experiences for millennials that don’t apply as much to us younger millennials. I don’t really have much memory of ‘90s pop culture aside from kids cartoons. I do remember 9/11, but I was too young to fully process how scary and big of a deal it was. Same goes with the war on terror era in general, only vague memories and I didn’t fully understand what was going on until the tail end of the Bush administration. I was too young to have really experienced the early internet of IM chat rooms and GeoCities and the like.

      Also now there’s lots of discourse about millennials as parents but I and most of my peers aren’t quite there yet (I’m sure we will be in 5-10 years).

      So while I identify as a millennial I ultimately feel most generation discourse doesn’t apply to me.

    13. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Older Gen X, and yes, I identify with it. Sometime latchkey kid, was supposed to get up, get dressed, make my own breakfast, and walk to kindergarten on my own. Not nagged about homework. If I didn’t do my work, that was on me.

      Having faced some horrific job markets in my field and seen how Baby Boomers who lost their jobs in their 50s or 60s never found another job making even close to the same amount of money, I hang onto my hard-won job with a death grip and never assume that I can just find another one.

      I distrust upper administration and “suits” generally, though there are a few exceptions. But I don’t assume that higher-ups have the workers’ interests at heart — au contraire.

      Culturally, I do enjoy 80s music, but I love 70s music even more. I like the music of the silent generation, greatest generation, and the boomers too. Starting in the 1990s, my music knowledge is kind of spotty, but I am trying to improve!

      1. California Dreamin’*

        Yes! I also walked to kindergarten myself. That would be so totally unheard of now! And my mom, whose entire career was in education as a teacher and then in curriculum development, never once glanced at my schoolwork. I think she read my college application essays for another set of proofreading eyes.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          I know, right? I guess it could have been worse. My ex was a baby boomer, and she walked herself to pre-school(!) When her mom wanted a little “me” time, she tied my ex’s baby brother to an anchor in a sandbox in front of the house. Apparently, no one thought that was abnormal.

    14. Irish Teacher.*

      I’m in Ireland and a lot of the generational stuff seems to be very American, but as a cusp of Gen X and Millennial, I do feel very Gen X. Ireland was a good bit behind America anyway and experienced such huge societal change in the 1990s that my childhood in the ’80s and early ’90s was far more similar to that of somebody growing up in the ’60s than it was to somebody about 10 years younger than me.

      That said, the stereotypes you talk about don’t fit me or others of my age at all. I feel we were more overprotected in many ways than today’s children because for the most part, our mothers didn’t work when we were young, so we didn’t go to daycare, many of us didn’t go to preschool, we were mostly with our mothers all day every day until we started school and even then, usually for the first couple of years, our mothers collected us every day. And heck, given the unemployment rate, a whole lot of kids had both parents home every day. So latchkey kids would have been unusual.

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        I think the UK was also a bit behind the rest of the world in trends during the 80s and 90s. I remember what an incredibly big deal it was when we first got Cabbage Patch Kids, for example. Social trends move between countries much faster nowadays.

    15. miel*

      I am a young millennial. I do see a difference in how I relate to technology compared to those both younger and older than me.

      My partner is a year younger than me and recently bought her very first non-Chromebook computer. She was confused about how to set it up; I was shocked that she’d never done it before!

      I also feel that a lot of generational discourse is nonsense: the youth always are trying new trends that us older folk find silly. That’s how it goes :)

      1. Excel Gardener*

        “My partner is a year younger than me and recently bought her very first non-Chromebook computer.”

        The joke I heard about this is that in 1984 the only people who owned computers were nerds with money, in 2004 almost everyone had a computer, and now in 2024 once again the only people who own computers* are nerds with money.

        *As in, traditional desktops and laptops running Windows/Linux/MacOS, not smartphones, chromebooks, or tablets.

      2. Empress Ki*

        Your partner is more knowledgable than me, as I don’t even know what a non Chromebook computer is lol. I am Generation X.

    16. Rara Avis*

      Gen X. As a teacher, I’ve had close contact with all the intervening generations in one way or another, although, to tell the truth, I only really remember the stereotypes about my own. I think it’s a fun concept to play around with, and there are some memes/songs/etc. that make me say.”Yes, that’s my experience.” It can be a good reminder that technology has changed so radically. (My current 6th graders, born in 2013, were shocked at the idea of growing up in a world devoid of wifi …)

    17. KatCardigans*

      I’m a millennial (1990), and I find most of the nostalgic millennial content to be very relatable—I can laugh at Kate Steinberg on Instagram all day, for example. Events like 9/11, the ’08 recession, Obama’s election, and Hurricane Katrina happened when I was a preteen-teenager, and I think they had a big impact on my generational cohort that I can see in myself.

      Content that talks about how millennials are *currently* existing in the world, I find much harder to identify with. One thing that comes up constantly is that millennials have boomer parents—but my parents are Gen X! They don’t fit Boomer stereotypes at all, and according to social media that’s a big part of the millennial experience?

      My youngest brother is a cusper, but he identifies as a millennial because he lived in a world of millennial siblings and hand-me-downs. I work with high schoolers, and it’s been long enough now that I’ve seen the entire Zoomer age group pass by and Gen Alpha is starting to enter. Like some other people in this thread are saying, there’s for sure a lot of conflation of actual generational trends and just “kids these days” BS, but the changes in technology and changes in parenting styles are noteworthy, I think.

    18. KatCardigans*

      Sorry if this posts twice—my browser is being kind of glitchy today!

      I have found generational discussions really interesting since I was a kid, and it’s been weird to see those discussions become even more mainstream on social media over the past decade. I’m solidly a Millennial (1990) and I usually find Millennial nostalgia content to be very relatable (I can laugh at Kate Steinberg on Instagram all day, for instance). Events like 9/11, Katrina, the ’08 recession, and Obama’s election happened when I was a preteen/teen, and I think they had a big impact on my generational cohort that I can definitely see in myself. My youngest brother is a cusper but identifies as a Millennial because he grew up in a world of Millennial siblings and hand-me-downs, which I think points to the importance of your social group and the material culture around you when it comes to generational identities.

      On the other hand, I find content about how Millennials exist in the world currently to be much harder to identify with. Also, recently there’s been a lot about how Millennials have Boomer parents…and I don’t! My parents are Gen X. To me, a lot of the Boomer-Millennial discourse seems to be more about class than it is about age? Idk. I don’t know that many Boomers who act like Boomers supposedly act.

      I’ve now worked at a high school long enough to see the entire Gen Z age group pass through, and we’re getting the very earliest Gen Alphas in the 9th grade this year. I agree with other people in these comments that there’s for sure conflation of “kids these days” BS with supposed Gens Z&A trends, but I think the changes in technology and parenting styles ARE notable and have made a difference in how those generations interact with the world. And of course they have their own defining historical events, too (hello, pandemic).

    19. Chaordic One*

      Technically I’m a boomer from the tail end of the boomer generation, but I don’t really feel like one and I identify more closely with Generation X. (My teenage years were a bit like what was depicted on “That Seventies Show.” LOL!) It helps that people usually tell me that I look younger than my age, but of course, they may well be BSing me.

      The boomer generation was born during such a long period of time (approximately 1946-1964) that there are boomers from the end of the generation who are the children of boomers from the beginning of the generation. I really don’t feel like I (or people born at the end of the Baby Boom) have much, if anything, in common with those born at the beginning of the generation.

    20. tab*

      This boomer likes avocado toast, prefers to give and receive gifts that are experiences rather than things, and loves to walk to dinner and the corner store. I love being around children (except when they’re screaming), and my favorite sound in the world is a young child’s laughter. Although generations have many similar experiences, we’re still all individuals, with different interests and opinions.

    21. Double A*

      I’m an “elder millennial” and I identify so much with that that I have to consciously tone down how much I talk about it. Like I could make an “elderly millennial” comment practically every comment I make because I feel like it provides so much accurate context for my experiences.

      So Gen X is very influential for my cultural tastes and attitude; irony, detachment, a distrust of ‘The Man” and “selling out” and being a snob about art resonate with me even though those ideas are now passe as far as I can tell.

      However, feeling like I grew up in step with the development of the Internet feels very significant to my identity. I didn’t get the Internet til I was about 14; I was on things like eBay, Yahoo, and love journal as they came along. I was an early adopted of all social media platforms until Tik Tok came along, and the founders of many of those platforms are roughly my age. I feel like I have a depth of understanding of the Internet that other generations, even slightly older or younger, don’t.

      Whether any of this is true I don’t know, but that’s how I feel.

    22. In Between*

      I was born in 1962, so not really anything! I don’t relate to Boomers or Millennials or any particular generation. Except we were pretty feral kids, you know, come home for lunch and dinner with no helicoptering.

    23. Apt Nickname*

      Born in 1980, I consider myself an Xennial, neither truly a Gen Xer or a Millenial. I grew up using computers but remember a time without home computers. My personal definition is that while we don’t answer phone calls, we don’t really text either.

    24. Busy Middle Manager*

      Born 1980 so feel like I belong in both generations, I felt like I had a GenX childhood, 70% genX teen years, 50/50 early adulthood, 70% millennial adulthood after age 30.

      TBH this is why generations should never be treated as hard and fast. People forget that things didn’t exist or happen until they existed/happened. So it doesn’t matter if I almost grew up with a popular millennial tv show or toy, I didn’t. For example, I never saw Harry Potter because I was in college and had a PT job and was just very busy to sit down and watch a fantasy movie at the time, then never got around to it.

      I feel like I identify with one or the other in phases too. In 2004, I felt more X because work was mostly Xers and we did everything on the phone and paper and sent faxes and blasted 80s music in the office. However, this past year or two, I’ve felt more millennial. I feel like GenX just got older but I stayed the same. I’m still building my life and career, while I’m noticing Xers going into a “been there done that” attitude. I work with younger people and identify more with their struggles than people who are 50+, many whose mortgages are half the rent the younger folk are now paying.

      My main annoyance is that people are so darn bad at estimating what you know or remember based on your age, that it makes me question their judgment on other things. I don’t look young for my age. But if I say “when I worked at so and so in 2007” people will ask how I had such an adult job while in high school. Um, because I wasn’t in HS? Do people just blur decades together? My parents’ neighbor said I was their son’s age. He is 32. I said that’s off by more than a decade. They were surprised. I used to help them at the grocery store when their kids were toddlers. Maybe I just have a better than average memory?

    25. Two cents*

      I honestly ignore the whole thing, so no, it is not part of my identity at all. People who spend a lot of time thinking about it mystify me a bit (non judgemental mystification! Just confusion), because it doesn’t feel useful in an individual case. I can see an argument for using it to think about large groups and trends, but beyond that…we are so complicated and mixed as individuals that I haven’t found it to be a useful framework for me or anyone else. But as with all things I don’t get, I’m still able to be glad it makes someone else happy.

    26. goddessoftransitory*

      Gen Xer here, and while I never felt I fit in with the “cool kids” of my generation–I couldn’t pull off the fashions, thrifting never netted me any “scores,” I was too self-conscious to really enjoy the music in public–I definitely do feel of that time. Much more as I get older and see the things I associate with youth and freedom recede in society the way the sixties and seventies did for my parents. To realize “the eighties” is forty years ago now? Woof.

    27. happy new year!*

      I don’t really even know what generation I’m supposed to be, with how all the lines keep changing, but I do think “remembering” major historical events shape how people see the world. I was born in January 2000; I don’t remember 9/11 or the 2008 Recession, but I do remember Obama’s inauguration. (It was a snow day from school; my parents put it on the TV and talked about how important it was. Only later, when my sibling and I were adults, did they tell us that they went bankrupt in 2009 and that’s why they don’t use credit cards. They did keep the house, which helped with us not noticing.) The major historical events after I “woke up”, so to say, to the news, certainly have shaped me much more.

    28. Abigail*

      I think there is something to be said for the age people are when they experience major events.

      My source/bias on this is that I have 2 children. They were born in 2015 and 2017, they were 2.5 and 5 in March 2020.

      One of them has first hand memories of life before COVID. The other does not. This shapes them in numerous ways.

      However, they are both Gen Alpha going by that designation.

      I don’t think strict generations mean anything but I do think experiencing Major Events at specific maturity/ages matters.

      1. California Dreamin’*

        My younger kids were in middle school in 2020 and did the end of 7th and all of 8th grade online. My oldest child was already post-college with a job. Though the pandemic affected him too, his school years were normal. I’ve said for years that I think demographers (or whoever decides these things) should take all the kids that were in school during the pandemic, from kindergarten through at least high school and maybe college, and lump them into one generation together because school closures were such a unique experience that they will all share. So my Gen Zers and your older Gen Alpha would actually be part of the same generation, Generation Zoom School, as it were.

        1. Abigail*

          Yes, exactly!

          COVID also changed education as a whole significantly as compared to my school experience. Some of these changes are good and some are bad.

          Example: my kids school no longer rewards perfect attendance. There are also 3 permanent substitute teachers in the building so it’s easier for teachers to take leave.

    29. Pam Adams*

      My sister and I- 1961 and 1963 are technically late boomers, but our lived and experiences have been much more Gen X.

    30. londonedit*

      I’m in that bit between Gen X and Millennials that no one can seem to agree on. I definitely identify more with Gen X – we didn’t have internet at home until I was nearly 18 so I definitely didn’t grow up with it (and of course even when we did have home internet it was slow dial-up!) and I had to do all my uni research with actual books from the actual library, etc etc. I got left behind with social media when Snapchat arrived (still no idea what that’s for) and I have less than a clue about TikTok. Instagram is the only one I really use on a regular basis.

      I don’t really feel like I belong with either generation, but it does make me irrationally annoyed when I see people moaning about ‘Millennials’ doing XYZ, because the oldest Millennials are approaching mid-40s now and are not the ‘kids’ doing whatever terrible thing is going to bring down society next.

  23. ElastiGirl*

    I need help with a gift idea!

    I’m going to the wedding of a family friend soon. The bride is quite a bit younger than me, and I don’t know her that well. The couple has asked for money, and only money, for their wedding. Okay, that’s fine, I get it.

    But I have just been invited to what I believe is the 4th shower for the couple — and I’ve been told that they only want money for that as well. That seems odd and, well, a bit tacky. Maybe a bit of a cash grab (the 4th shower??!!)…

    I don’t want to hand over more money. (It’s enough of a destination wedding that I will have to get a hotel room to attend, so this wedding is costing quite a bit already.) I asked one of the bride’s relatives about gift ideas and they said the couple doesn’t really need more stuff, but I could get them something “fun.”

    I don’t know what that means. I’m not buying sex toys! I know someone at an earlier shower bought them some monogrammed stuff (sounds to me like they wanted to give a gift that couldn’t be returned for cash!).

    Any ideas? I am grateful for any and all suggestions!

    1. RagingADHD*

      Is it the 4th shower that has been thrown for them, or the 4th one you’ve been invited to? You don’t have to attend any, but you *really* don’t have to attend more than one!

      I would never think “fun” would mean sex toys. Why would a relative of the bride suggest such a thing to anyone? That’s a really weird interpretation.

      I would assume it meant a bottle of wine, or something they could use for entertaining, like a party game. Or movie passes, something for date night.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        Yeah, I think that’s an odd assumption. “Fun” to me just means less than absolutely practical, like some shot glasses, or a picnic hamper, or a nice piece of art.

    2. Aphrodite*

      Perhaps you would prefer to pass on the shower since you’re going to the wedding? That way, you can avoid the issue of parting with cash. I’d probably decline both the wedding and the shower. Neither should equal their hands in my pockets and “money, and only money” is just that to me.

      Or fun? Depends on what they like. A puzzle, board game, something outdoorsy like cricket, maybe a volleyball they can kick around together, a pool noodle or two?

    3. Moose*

      The bride’s relatives absolutely wanted you to buy them sex toys and you should 100% follow that advice.

    5. ThatOtherClare*

      If they have too much ‘stuff’, what about things that will get used up? Fun food and/or drinks, tickets to an event or exhibition, something like a ‘Learn Pottery’ class or a ‘drink wine and paint’ evening (if they drink), or a month’s subscription to something?

      Or if it’s viable for you, there’s the classic ‘I know you didn’t ask for anything but I know/am related to someone and I got you this rare pretentious thing’. They sound like the sort of people who would happily accept a wedding gift they could brag about. So if you’ve got a cousin who could post you a salad bowl made from Huon Pine or a friend who imports purple clay teapots – i.e. you can relatively easily get hold of something that everyone else considers ‘rare’ – that might be an option.

    6. Anono-me*

      I would probably have a prior commitment that conflicts with the bridal shower.

      But I suspect that for most people, a fun gift would be telestrations not something from an adult only store. Especially since this is a bridal shower not a bachelorette party. If you are close enough to this couple to attend both a destination wedding and a bridal show, there has to be another mutual friend that you can ask about gifts.

      In the possible defense of the couple. Could the money only gift rule be less of a requirement and more of a restriction? When we got married, we had just combined two households and after elevenintybillion trips to the charity shop and eleven to the dump, We didn’t want anymore stuff at all.

      My ‘go to’ gift if I am going to a bachelorette party is marabou slippers.

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’ve been invited to a number of baby showers that were fun and people gave useful gifts, but reading this thread I’m realizing that no one I know had a wedding shower. And we’re talking decades. No family members, no friends. Obviously wedding showers are popular for lots of people, but not my people. I wonder why that is.

      1. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

        4 showers and a wedding (!) and they ask for money only at each … sounds like they are very greedy people who want to monetise their nuptials.
        I’d plan to attend the wedding only, so I could give my total planned money in one go (they sound like they have high expectations)

        We’ve traditionally had hen/stag nights (UK) – with everyone paying for themselves – but I’ve never known anyone who had a wedding shower. I’d never heard of them until ~12 years ago and I suspect they are yet another means of trying to extract our money that didn’t exist before late capitalism (I’m late 60s)

        1. Jamie Starr*

          There was an article in the NY Times a few weeks ago about how some couples are now asking their wedding guest to buy tickets to their weddings. As one might expect, the comment section for the article thought it was supremely tacky and gauche.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            Just want to note that my daughter just got married in August, and has three(!) weddings in September, two involving travel. And this is not remotely a thing in her cohort. But of course all the normal weddings aren’t providing any breathless anecdotes for the internet.

          2. LilPinkSock*

            I think that was just one ridiculous, entitled couple who were aspiring “influencers”. As a person who recently planned a wedding, there was a lot about the whole endeavor that I found tacky, silly, and entitled…but thankfully that specific part seems to be pretty limited.

        2. KatCardigans*

          Showers are (were?) a US thing, but they’re for sure not new. I have newspaper write-ups of relatives’ wedding showers a century ago.

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            Showers actually started in Victorian England: an upper crust society woman held a tea party for a newly engaged lady, and had the guests bring little gifts which she placed in a Japanese parasol. It was upended over the bride, “showering” her with gifts. It was a huge hit and when the description of the party hit the society pages of the papers, it became the New In Thing.

            It evolved, at least in America, into a way to gift a young couple just starting out on their own with needed supplies for a home (thus the evolution of registries so well wishers knew what was actually needed by said couple.)

            Nowadays, of course, the pendulum swings from “no gifts” to “cash” to registries and on and on. Plus, whereas it used to be that the bride’s relatives or future inlaws held ONE shower, now different groups may throw one for each “set” of relatives and friends (work, friends in X City, Mom in Y City and so on.)

            1. Ali + Nino*

              I never heard this history before, thanks for the laugh! Can you imagine getting “showered” in food processors and blenders lol? I have only ever been invited to (and attended) one wedding shower in my life and I didn’t realize you were supposed to bring a gift (I thought it was optional and I was extremely broke). I was mortified when I realized the bride to be was going to open every single gift to be opened in front of everyone and somehow made a stealthy but ashamed exit.
              I thought the whole point of a shower was to help the new couple establish a household, which hasn’t been so necessary as people get married later in life after having lived on their own for years?

        3. RagingADHD*

          Or quite possibly the showers are being thrown for them by different groups of friends / relatives who don’t know each other, and OP was only invited to one.

          I did not instigate any of the wedding showers thrown for me, and I had 3: my coworkers at the office had cake and gave me a lovely photo album, my “official” shower organized by my MOH that my bridesmaids and some close friends attended, and then one of my husband’s aunts organized one for the ladies on his side of the family on the day of the rehearsal dinner, because they had all come into town.

          I personally wouldn’t be comfortable asking for money in lieu of gifts, but there are various reasons why it might be better, like having a small home.

    8. Despachito*

      I’d personally bow out stating some conflicting commitment.

      I am not from a “showers” culture and I find these very weird. I understand the “money only” requirement per se (most people either already have the things that used to be gifted or prefer to pick them by themselves) but isn’t the wedding gift enoug? Showers seem so gift-grabby.

      1. Zelda*

        That’s why traditional etiquette says that you absolutely, positively, CANNOT throw a shower for yourself or a close relative. Because yes, it is a quite literal gift-grab; it’s only plausibly acceptable if it can be viewed as the friends of the honoree manifesting their own generosity.

        My own bridal shower was thrown by my STB MIL, over my protests. It was the first time I was meeting most of the fiance’s side of the family, and I literally begged for it to be just an engagement party, with no demand for gifts from all these people I didn’t even know. I was overridden, and the whole thing was so uncomfortable. (Now long-since divorced.)

        The close relatives thing is a gray area where the traditional etiquette has largely been set aside. But I would still quietly decline an invite to a shower that was directly hosted by the honoree, or any shower that specified money only.

        1. dapfloodle*

          Agreed, Zelda, when I got married 15 years ago, I didn’t have a shower, because no-one offered to hold one for me. I didn’t really want one anyhow, but probably would have gone along with it if co-workers or relatives really wanted to (I was living in a different area than most of my friends at the time).

      2. Seashell*

        In my experience, the “entertainment” at the shower is watching the bride/the couple opening the gifts. Watching someone open a bunch of cash sounds pretty boring.

    11. Love me, love my cat*

      I just wouldn’t feel obligated to go to four showers for the same couple! One is enough. Maybe two if you think you’d actually enjoy them both. Opening a sex toy at a shower might totally embarrass the bride-to-be. I would never want co-workers or elderly aunts to see me doing that!

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        It’s just as embarrassing in front of friends, believe me.

        My former friend threw me a shower that not only turned out to be “adult” themed, but a sales-type event where a woman sold us adult toys, gels, and such. I had NO idea this was going to happen and was so uncomfortable. They did give me an actual gift but I was in no way expecting to be charged money for stuff I did not want at my shower.

    12. Falling Diphthong*

      I have a lot of sympathy for people combining households in mid life who really do not need more stuff.

      I would skip the shower. Send your regrets and go investigate a new bakery.

      I think you should investigate your instinct to not give them $40, but instead an item that retails for $40, possibly monogrammed so they can’t return it. Akin to how many schools stopped selling stuff and instead did fundraisers where 100% of the money spent goes right to the PTO.

      1. allathian*

        Gifts are about pleasing the recipient, not the giver. So if you in good conscience can’t give the couple what they want, in this case cash, simply decline the invitation. An invitation is not an order to attend and can be declined for any reason, including disapproving of the couple’s gift wishes. Showing up with some crap they don’t want, can’t use, and can’t even regift is the opposite of generosity.

        When my parents got married, his parents gave them a huge dinner service with at least 12 covers. The only trouble was that the pattern was so ugly that my mom resented it every time she had to use it, but as they were poor college students (in the late 60s when an unmarried couple couldn’t rent an apartment together) they didn’t really have any options but to use what they were given. I was in my early 20s when they celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary and together they bought a very stylish dinner service that was pretty much the complete opposite of the old one.

    13. Morning Reader*

      I don’t get it. If you are going to the shower, give them money. Why would you even contemplate giving them anything else? If you don’t want to, don’t go to the shower.
      Only alternative I can think of is to get them a vintage copy of the tune “Money” on a vinyl 45. “the best things in life are free, but you can give them to the birds and bees.” Just give me money, that’s what I want.

    14. Ellis Bell*

      Maybe they want cash because they’re drowning in stuff? It might be an idea to get them something consumable, like fancy cooking oils, breakfast in bed hamper, or a date night voucher. Shopping is a lot easier when you’re giving cash though!

    15. OpalescentTreeShark*

      The most pressing question here is why are you considering attending a fourth shower for a destination wedding? For someone as removed as the daughter of a family friend?

      That is absolutely silly, and you should decline. One shower and one shower gift is more than enough for anyone, and especially those having destination weddings.

      Also, if you are still going to gift for the wedding, subtract the amount you spent on the shower gifts(!) from your wedding gift.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I wouldn’t go to even one shower if I didn’t feel emotionally close to the bride, TBH. I think of showers as like, for work friends, or some social subset of the bride’s circle. And they are explicitly gift-giving occasions.I would attend a wedding if invited and I wanted to go, or send regrets and a gift, but I wouldn’t go to any showers unless I was enthusiastic about showering the couple with gifts.

    16. Irish Teacher.*

      I would have taken “something fun” to mean something like a jokey welcome mat or a picture for their wall related to a fandom one or both of them were into or a set of his-and-hers mugs. Or maybe something like a CD of songs from the year as a remembrance of the year they married. That sort of thing, a memento rather than something necessary. I wouldn’t even have considered the idea of sex toys.

    19. HBJ*

      If you’ve been invited to four showers, you can certainly skip one.

      However, for a fun gift, I suggest a date basket – ice cream date – nuts, cherries, caramel and chocolate topping, sprinkles, cute Sundae dishes and a scoop.

      Cozy dinner date – soup flavoring/broth mix, spatula/spoon, recipe card, and soup mugs.

      Picnic – picnic blanket, drinks, various shelf stable food items.

      You can get tons of ideas for this sort of thing if you Google.

    20. ElastiGirl*

      Thank you for the great suggestions — I like the experiential ideas (a breakfast-in-bed basket, picnic basket, ice cream sundae kit, etc) and will explore those!

      For the record, the bride/couple are having 4 showers total; I didn’t get invited to all 4. I got invited to what I think is the final one. And the “sex toys” suggestion came from the bride’s sister, so make of that what you will….

      Grateful for the help here, because I was truly at a loss. Heading to Etsy to see if some enterprising creator has put together something along the lines of your suggestions to make life easy. Thank you!

      1. Moose*

        Lol the bride’s sister literally told you to buy them sex toys? Like you asked the bride’s sister what should I get the couple and she said “sex toys?”

        It takes all kinds I guess. Definitely you should buy them sex toys then.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        And the “sex toys” suggestion came from the bride’s sister, so make of that what you will….

        GAHHHHHHHH

    21. Hyaline*

      OK, to the underlying point that this couple having four (!) showers thrown for them and is asking for cash only for each, yes, that feels cash-grabby and gross to me, and I would be disinclined to attend the shower. If I can rant a little in commiseration, I understand that couples getting married later and combining established households might not need stuff–so *don’t have a shower.* When someone asks to throw you a shower, ask them to throw a brunch or a wine tasting party or a karaoke night in your honor instead, but don’t have an event whose basic function is a grab for cash…especially not 4 events grabbing for cash. (I’m guessing your sex toy comment was hyperbolic amplifying your frustration.) Personally? I’d skip the shower and give them a check at the wedding (since you probably don’t want to lug a gift for a destination wedding anyway).

      If you truly feel you should/really want to attend the shower, I would give a nice basket of upscale kitchen staples–Penzey’s spice sampler, good olive oil and vinegars, that kind of thing–or a basket of consumables they would like (a “hot drinks” sampler of coffee, tea, hot cocoa; a couple favorite wines and chocolate), a gift certificate to a local theater/performing arts center so they can go to a show of their choice, or a gift membership to a local co-op for a few months if they’d like that kind of thing.

    22. Chauncy Gardener*

      If this is the 4th shower you’ve been invited to, I would politely decline. If it’s the first, then show up and give the amount of money you can afford. If you can’t afford anything, I would decline.
      An invitation is not a summons, to quote Miss Manners (I think)

    23. Jackalope*

      I will add that we had a wedding that was local for us but quite a ways for some of our family. I honestly had no expectations of any gifts…. well, from anybody really, but especially not for those who’d had to buy a plane ticket, rent a hotel room, etc. If it feels better, you can make your presence your gift.

    24. Middle Name Jane*

      The 4th shower? No way. I would only buy 1 gift, and that’s it. No more gifts, no more money.

    25. M2*

      Do something meaningful. 4 showers is insane but usually are thrown by different people so it’s most likely not in the bridge and groom. I had 2 because our families lived on opposite coasts.

      When I was married my favorite gifts were people who either wrote me/ us a heart felt letter or something meaningful. We had a registry but I had a friend who was a composer write me a shirt but own piece of music. She even framed it herself and wrote a note about it.

      Another friend found an old black and white photograph of a place that meant a great deal to my spouse and me. They framed themselves and the thoughtfulness around that gift meant a lot.

      I don’t like random gifts- I had a registry with prices from $5 and didn’t expect anything from anyone. I would rather someone write a nice note and no gift then give me something that wasn’t on the registry/ had no thoughtfulness behind it/ or was clearly regifted. I was fine with something not on the registry if the person put some thought into it or it was meaningful. I don’t need another set of something or some giant basket I have nowhere to store. I got two gifts that still had cards from the people who gave them inside! So they were clearly regifts.

      If you aren’t close to the couple don’t attend the shower. My wedding and baby showers were for only close friends and family.

      What are they into? I lived in Denmark for awhile so someone bought me a couple bright foldable trivets that were modern from Denmark. I had mentioned loving them years agoo so the person remembered. Really cute, easy to store and can use for so much! Didn’t have it in my registry but they clearly thought about the gift.

      So many people nowadays already have what they need/ want or have a registry if they don’t. Just buying someone stuff for them to have more stuff imho is wasteful.

    26. Observer*

      Any ideas? I am grateful for any and all suggestions!

      Skip the shower(s). Obviously, what’s done is done. But and invitation is not a command that you must obey.

      I’m glad that I checked to see if you had responded, because, Oh Boy! But that suggestions blows my mind. It’s one thing for close friends of the couple to do that. But if you are not close enough to know yourself what they would want, the idea is beyond inappropriate. I wonder if that’s just the sister or coming from the couple.

      In any case, yeah, don’t do that. You’ve gotten some good suggestions. I’d add that if you know some interest or hobby that she has, something related to that might be nice. Assuming you want to go and give a gift. But, also, you really, really, REALLY don’t have to do that. Not just in formal “legal” sense, but in the relational sense.

    1. Nervous Nellie*

      Oh, my heavens! A Shepherd puppy named Jane Wiedlin! You weren’t kidding. (‘looks at road map and PTO earned and savings’….)

    2. B*

      love this! And a shout out to Muttville in San Francisco, a senior dog rescue, where pups are 7yrs and up. They also have a whimsical naming system and often write hilarious personality descriptions. They offer a Senior for Seniors adoption where they wave all fees. Sometimes when I need a stress break I tune into their live Webcam of pups noodling around the social room.

  26. WoodswomanWrites, needing more sleep*

    I’d love to hear advice from people who got past staying up too late and being tired, and now are well-rested and overall feeling better.

    A while back when I had Covid, I just slept when I felt like it and got up when I happened to awake. I felt like I used to in the past. I had energy. My brain fog was gone. I was emotionally more stable. My house was cleaner. I was just overall happier and healthier, physically and mentally. And I want to make this my life again and have the tired version of myself only rarely.

    I stay up too late on my laptop and it’s really hard for me to change. I know all the things about screen time and the vocabulary. Turn off screens an hour before bedtime. Practice sleep hygiene. Read in bed. Determine the time you want to wind down before bed. Watch the clock and do that. And I just… don’t.

    I have a therapist. I’m trying. I’ve always loved words, and maybe that’s what pulls me in as books used to pre-screen days? That just occurred to me as I typed it. I have no idea.

    I would love to hear any suggestions about how you got yourself past a comparable challenge and began sleeping like a typical human again.

    1. Sloanicota*

      Could you start with one (1) small change, maybe switching from the laptop to a physical book? Just that at first, and see if you feel any better without that blue light. Maybe then you could try switching to a less-engaging book, say from suspense to memoir, or something where there are very distinct chapter stopping places. Also, I realized at some point I had a bad case of “bedtime revenge” or whatever it’s called, where I didn’t actually *want* to go to bed earlier because I felt bitter that my time was never my own – mornings were for scrambling to work, days were for work, evenings were for chores and then it was time to start “sensibly” going to bed early.

      2. Catherine*

        Revenge bedtime procrastination!! I’m struggling with this right now after almost a year of very good sleep habits, because I took on a temporary extra commitment and resent how it ate up my “me” time. I need to fix how my day is structured to make my night feel like my own again, so that I’ll be willing to go to bed on time.

    2. Ellis Bell*

      I was you! I really struggled with it. I’m not sure how useful my cure is to you, because it involved becoming part of a couple; I know I would absolutely backslide without him. My partner is really dedicated to early bedtimes and I like to go up at the same time as he does for the affection. I think the wider lesson is that if you’re going to try to change an enjoyable habit, the new habits and context has to be equally enjoyable, as the affection snuggles are for me. Maybe treat yourself to a new paper or audio book, a regular podcast, a fancy bath, take a nice bedtime drink to bed, organise a sleepover with an early bird friend where you have a pre sleep gossip. Another thing to try, which also worked for me, if you feel a lot more mental clarity from waking naturally you might benefit from a different type of alarm clock rather than one which just wakes you up suddenly. I haven’t tried the daylight alarm clocks but I have Alexa slowly turn on the lights on the morning (and slowly dim them at night). I also really liked a sleep app I used to have that asked for a half hour period to wake me in, and would then monitor my movements to make sure it only woke me at a light sleeping part of the cycle, rather than from deep sleep.

    3. tab*

      Mine hack is to listen to a podcast in bed. Once I’m in bed and my eyes are closed, I fall asleep very quickly. Of course it means I have to try multiple nights in a row to finish the podcast, but I’m OK with that.

    4. Apt Nickname*

      I have my phone set to put the eye comfort shield on at 9 PM, partially to help with the blue light issue and partially as a reminder to start getting ready for bed. I also like rereading books at bedtime, so I can still wind down but won’t stay up because I have to know what comes next. I still don’t sleep great but it’s better than before.

    5. Hyaline*

      So, it’s way not easy to make yourself do something, and I get that–but I wonder if scaffolding your “rules” will help here. Like “will myself to quit using my laptop at a reasonable hour” is not going to work. But maybe “No laptop or phone in my bedroom” combined with “in my bedroom by 10 pm every night” (combined with a nightstand well-stocked with books)? Or whatever set of boundaries works to create the result you want–but they have to be clear, not vague, so it’s easy to follow through on them and really obvious when you’re breaking the promise to yourself. When it’s 10:15 and you’re not in your bedroom yet, that’s a clear cut breach in a way that “stop reading food blogs when I’m tired” is not. You can know all the right things to do but when they’re thrown at you in general ways it’s harder than when you set clear and specific boundaries for yourself.

    6. Two cents*

      If I remeber correctly, Randall Munroe, author of XKCD, once had a phase where he made himself turn off his computer every single time he finished doing what he was doing on the computer (read an article/finished a transaction/etc). He allowed himself to turn the thing right back on again and do the next thing, but the couple of minutes of cycle-interrupt made a huge difference, apparently. Sounds crazy but maybe worth trying something crazy?

      As for me, I find it immeasurably harder to establish a habit of NOT doing something vs one of doing something. So for me, instead of saying “at X o’clock I stop looking at the computer”, I would say “at X o’clock I will do Y (water plants/get a glass of water/do three sit ups/put on my pajama pants/whatever).” What happens after that is a different story–but again the theme of cycle interrupt means that I can more easily differentiate between what I really need or want vs what I’m just automatically doing. Maybe worth a try?

      For things I have struggled with a lot, sometimes the only way to get going on it ends up being very draconian, all or nothing deals (e.g. no computer use at all after dinner on days X, Y and Z), at least initially. And then, super important, I replace it with something else. Consistently. But that’s might not be feasible. Anyway, just some ideas.

    7. Courageous cat*

      The only way I got past doing all that was by getting a job that forced me. Now I go to bed at 11pm, wake up at 7am on weekdays, sleep in till 8-9am on weekends. I feel well-rested and functional daily now that I’ve adjusted.

      I would have never, ever gone to a normal sleep schedule if not for a job – in my 20s I used to sleep from 3am to 12pm regularly – but now that I have, I could never go back. I look back on my formal sleep schedule and realize now how depressed I was, and how much the sleep schedule alone actually *contributed* to my depression and anxiety.

    8. mustachioed*

      I am still struggling with this too, but I found the books Atomic Habits and Better Than Before to have some good advice about changing habits like this. I did not take the advice because I was too busy reading on my phone after bedtime, but if I had, I’m sure it would have helped.

      The one trick that has helped me is to set an alarm in another room. It will make you get up. Willpower weakens when you’re sleepy, so don’t rely on willpower. If you’re on your laptop on the couch, set the alarm on your oven. Or put an alarm clock in your bedroom or bathroom so that after you turn it off, you’re already in the right position for the next step. Don’t be like me and turn it off and go back to the laptop.

    9. Girasol*

      I have three alarms set on my phone because I was really stuck on the habit of staying up too late messing around at the keyboard. First alarm is “get a cocoa.” Second, half an hour later is “bath and brush teeth.” Third is “read in bed.” Sometimes I read too late but mostly I turn out the lights within half an hour.

    10. WoodswomanWrites*

      Thanks to everyone for these useful comments. I’m bookmarking this thread so I can refer to it again.

    11. Reba*

      I would suggest using a parental control setting on your computer or a browser extension that has a “focus” that can be set on a schedule where it will block the websites that pull you in the most. I think I shared this on another recent thread but I set a “mode” on my phone to turn off the browser and most apps at 9 pm. For me it’s just not realistic to rely on willpower or discipline or whatever :)

      1. Arrietty*

        I did this, but a thing pops up which has a Cancel option and displays for a few seconds, plenty long enough for me to cancel it. Which I usually do. Sigh.

        1. mustachioed*

          Ditto, mine takes me right to the settings where I can extend the time limit, which I do. Repeatedly. I wish they’d design it to have a longer warning period (mine only gives me five minutes warning, which usually isn’t enough time to wrap things up) and to make you wait a few minutes after extending it before you can keep using it.

    12. Free Meerkats*

      I know my solution won’t do you any good, but I fixed my neverending sleep deprivation by retiring. Now I can stay up until whenever – typically around midnight – and sleep until I’m ready to wake up.

      Worked for me. I’m actually consistently well rested for the first time in my life except when I had the luxury of working graveyard shift. I’ve never been a morning person.

    13. Bike Walk Barb*

      I read a Kindle on dark mode to get my brain ready for sleep. I hate that feeling of being dragged out and tired in the morning, but at night when I’m reading a good book I have a hard time remembering that Future Me wants Current Me to shut the Kindle and go to sleep.

      It works best if I read nonfiction because no matter how good it is I’m not compelled to keep reading to find out what happens next. It wouldn’t work to read on any kind of pad that gives me options to open tabs and follow links, and the dark mode lets me read in a dark room.

      I usually get sleepy reading and can shut the Kindle and fall asleep pretty fast. On nights when I start thinking about work or something else and can’t unwind I listen to a yoga nidra track on Insight Timer. I keep using the same one (by Jennifer Piercy) because the familiarity is soothing and helps it work even faster, like a familiar bedtime story read by a parent. The narration follows the senses, breath, parts of the body while slowing and softening tone of voice. I don’t know that I’ve ever heard the end of it.

    14. Tea & Sympathy*

      I have the same problem, of staying up too late and fighting against that habit. This doesn’t always work, but it’s better than other things I’ve tried. I decide the time I want to go to sleep and then go to bed an hour earlier and read my Kindle. This gets me in bed because I like to read. I read a cozy mystery because I like mysteries, but cozies won’t have me so engrossed that I can’t stop. When I’m relaxed or after an hour, I turn on a YouTube video that will put me to sleep. I need this to stop my thoughts from keeping me awake. My go-to is a video on all the mistakes they made while filming Gilligan’s Island. The man has a, um…soothing voice and it puts me to sleep. I’ve listened (not watched) it so many times, and I’ve never made it to the end. My backup to listen to is a video about how to build an in ground swimming pool in your backyard. I saw on a talk show once that Matthew McConaughey reads bedtime stories to put adults to sleep – maybe on an app?
      Anyway, anything that lulls you to sleep.

    15. Observer*

      Turn off screens an hour before bedtime. Practice sleep hygiene.

      Try to automate some of that.

      Most Windows machines and smart phones can be set to go into “night” mode at a certain time, so that you get less blue light. Both Android and Apple have digital wellbeing tools that can make some useful changes. Like Going into “bedtime mode” at whatever time you set, which can do things like dim your screen and make it go into B&W so it pulls you less.

      Timers / Alarms can also be useful. Like if you want to stop using your devices at 10:30pm you’re not going to be watching the clock. But if you have an alarm set for 10:25 and a second one for 10:30, you’ll have that reminder.

      One of the best things I did for my sleep hygiene was to set my phone’s DND to go on at 11:00pm every evening. Period. Even though my phone is in my bedroom, there are no pings and pongs and whatnot to disturb me. And at that point I also don’t get as tempted to look at my messaging which then pulls me back into the phone altogether.

  27. Despachito*

    I have a question mostly for neurodivergent people (and potentially for neurotypical people too) – how do you navigate equilibrium in conversations?

    What happens to me is that I am afraid of turning a conversation into my monologue because I can easily get carried away with a topic of interest to me. However, it sometimes turns into the opposite and it is the other person (I do not know whether neurodivergent or not) who usurps the conversation and talks most of the time about themselves.

    Do you have some tricks up your sleeve how to give both yourself and your partner in a conversation your fair share of listening and talking?

    1. Styles*

      It really depends on the type if conversationalists people are. I grew up with the expectation that conversation flowed and people interrupted back and forth. I didn’t know this wasn’t the way everyone did it until I was into adulthood, and I still find myself baffled by people who don’t speak up to get their two cents in.

      Some people want clear cues when it’s their turn to talk. Some people have other styles. The key is to understand your preferred style and that of those you’re conversing with and meeting somewhere in the middle if they’re different.

  28. BellaStella*

    I live at about 1300m altitude in Europe. It is summer still for another week and yesterday we had an Arctic front come thru and it snowed just a bit. I am not ready for autumn much less skipping ahead to winter!

    How is the weather where you are?

    1. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      Shudders at snow already.
      In my bit of Germany, Rhein-Main, it’s gone from 29C (84F) to 16C (61F) in about the last 10 days. Very rainy too after months of almost none.
      I’ve had to dig out trousers, warm jacket & waterproofs after months of shorts & T. I’ve put on the heating too, as my body hasn’t caught up with the sudden change.
      However, weather forecast says 20-22C for the week from Monday, so I’m not packing away the shorts yet.

      I have been thinking that summer weather lasts longer now, but that it feels we have less time to enjoy the time between summer and cold weather (~20-25C is my happy range)

      1. BellaStella*

        I am south west of you across the border and I am refusing to turn on the heat as it is still summer so I have two duvets and broke out the winter pyjamas and a hat and socks. We have a forecast too of 13-16c most of the coming week so at least we get some nice weather.

      2. Anima*

        Hello neighbor! (I’m more south of you, but close.)
        I got the fuzzy wool socks out already. Saturday I had to put on sunscreen and wore a light linen skirt (which was a mistake, lots of ticks) and a t-shirt, Sunday I needed my waterproof jacket and long pants. It is autumn suddenly, but I’m not mad. Summer was nice, I’m read.

    2. Helvetica*

      In Belgium, this year has really been very strange in terms of weather. We’ve had record rainfall every month, and just this week the temperature dropped from like 27 degrees to 12, and since the heating cannot be turned on yet (it is central), I am freezing in my apartment! I do look forward to the yellowing of the leaves but right now, it feels like someone’s cruel joke.

    3. RussianInTexas*

      We had an amazingly (for us) mild August, usually the hottest month of the year. Never got over 90 (32C).
      Now the Second Summer is back with the vengeance and it’s going to be highs is 95-97 for the next 10 days.
      On the other hand, the high pressure that’s making it hot is keeping hurricanes away, so lose some, win some (I am tired of this years Weather).
      Also, we had a terrible drought last year. This year? We hit our annual average precipitation in July, and still getting rain. Everything is so lush and green!

      1. Excel Gardener*

        Texas really lucked out this year, but I think we earned it after last summer (80 days over 100F/37C).

        But yeah, it will feel like summer here until late-October. I miss having four seasons even though there are perks to the warmer climate.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          I feel like with the derecho and the direct hit by Beryl (the eyewall went over my house at hurricane strength), we deserve some reprieve in August.

    4. GoryDetails*

      Southern New Hampshire in the US here. After a very, very hot summer, it’s getting back to pleasant temperatures now – the kind that used to be common for most of the summer a couple of decades ago. I’m enjoying being able to keep the windows open and the A/C off. Am looking forward to autumn, though once it gets to “close the windows again and turn on the heating” I will miss the current state of affairs!

    5. Can't think of a funny name*

      Florida…I’m excited that the “Feels Like” temperature isn’t going to get over 100F today!

    6. Chauncy Gardener*

      In New England we’re having a dry, beautiful autumn with clear crisp air. Quintessential New England! A bit too dry, since everything is crinkly, but a nice change from the constant rain we had last summer and fall.

    7. WellRed*

      Ridiculously perfect. Blue skies, sunny, temps in the 7os, no rain. I’m secretly wishing for a bit of rain to water everyone’s very limp flowers.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      Fiiiinnnally cooling down with some rain! And frankly in the nick of time, before the fires got way out of control. It’s refreshing and wonderful for me, but I do hope for some sunny days at the lower temps to enjoy walking around without getting either sweaty or rained on.

    9. allathian*

      I’m in Finland, and here three days in a row over 25 C/77 F counts as a heatwave. This (thermic) summer we’ve had 71 days with at least 25.1 C measured by at least one weather station in the country, which broke the previous record by 8 days. 7 of those days have been in September. This weekend we’ve had as much rain as we get in the whole month of September on average.

      There are severe floods in some parts of Europe.

  29. Cookies For Breakfast*

    Cat advice, please. We have a fairly strict “no cats in the bedroom” rule with our foster cats. It holds up pretty well, aside from this situation that only started this week.

    The cats we’ve had since April used to do their own thing while we slept; over the summer they figured out where we spend the night, and began patiently (mostly silently) waiting outside our door in the morning, which is totally ok. Now, around 1 hour before our usual wake up time, they start scratching furiously outside the door until they’re let in (at which point there’s no more resting, as they get active and a bit noisy). They have their own scratcher nearby and use it often during the day, just not in this instance.

    They’re not asking for food, they just want to be where we are. And I suspect this is happening for one of three reasons: a) they are gaining confidence around us and are telling us they want company; b) the friend who took care of them during our holiday woke up much earlier and they got used to it; c) Friend has been letting them in the bedroom even though we said they shouldn’t go there.

    So I’d love to know:

    1) Do you have experience of getting cats to drop an unwanted behaviour they developed over time? How did you do it? Or this is it now, and we’ve just gained a new morning alarm system?

    2) Are there any products or materials we could use to limit scratching impact? The carpet is frayed now where it meets the doorstep, and I’d love to protect it from more wrecking; also, I’m concerned about the front of the bedroom door.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      2) I put a plastic doormat in front of the door where the cats were scratching at the carpet, and it mostly worked. Also an empty laundry basket, the tall style, to keep them from battering on the door. Again, mostly worked.

      I never caved and they eventually gave in. Now my husband has his own room and he does let them in his room, but they still leave mine alone even when he’s gone for work travel.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        The plastic doormat idea got me thinking. I put a non-slip shower mat outside the door (because that’s what I had handy in the house). This morning the cats didn’t activate until our normal waking up time, though they were definitely around earlier. Probably coincidence, but hopefully they didn’t like the mat’s texture much?

        We put the scratcher right where the closed door is, hoping to tempt them to use that instead, but it’s not large enough and definitely not perfect – they do use it a bit, and then walk around it anyway.

    2. Sloanicota*

      I strongly believe in No Pets in the Bedroom. As others have said, there’s plastic carpet protectors you can put under the door to prevent scratching. I also had luck putting a box fan outside my door, aiming at the place I did not want them to congregate – my cats don’t like the feeling of the wind blowing them. Even though you say they’re not hungry, a timed feeder set to go off in the period you’re trying to get them to wait can help. Next they may start howling, so I use a white noise machine that can be calibrated (turned up or down, higher or lower) to block that sound out. Don’t give in even one time; you want them to believe you can’t hear them, even if you can. If they realize their plan is working, they will double down.

      1. Sloanicota*

        These techniques may not be needed forever, by the way! It’s longer than it ought to be, but if a cat has never gotten the desired response the behavior should trail off after, oh, a few months maybe, and then you can start backing down on some of these interventions. So you don’t have to live with a box fan in your hallway forever, just long enough to break the habit.

    3. miel*

      Our most annoying foster cat got locked up in his own room overnight because I needed TWO doors between him and me.

    4. Shiny Penny*

      I can’t remember where I heard about this particular Set Up, but it might have been on a previous AAM Weekend thread:
      Put your vacuum out in the hall. Bring the cord into your bedroom, right next to your bed. Run an extension cord from a bedroom outlet to the spot next to your bed. When the morning cat antics begin, don’t even get out of bed (easiest for you, and also it might be most effective to maintain human silence)— just plug in the vacuum.
      The person recounting this said it took very few repetitions before the cats stopped trying to wake their person.

      I think you could nuance the placement of the vacuum based on the hardness/softness of the particular animal involved (like, farther from the door if you think your cat might be traumatized by a vacuum erupting right next to her). Or you could use a quieter appliance, like a fan or a radio on a static channel.

      I am keeping this strategy in my back pocket, in case my goats ever start climbing on their gate. I would substitute a garden sprinkler for the vacuum, since goats are quite motivated to avoid getting wet.

  30. Six Feldspar*

    What’s your favourite silly/b movie? Ie a movie where everyone involved said “yeah yeah it’s completely unrealistic just have fun with it”.

    I think mine might be Deep Blue Sea, I’m always here for superintelligent sharks…

    1. The Prettiest Curse*

      I don’t know if I’d want to sit through the entire film again since it has some very clunky comedic sequences, but the Bruce Lee film Way of the Dragon (not to be confused with Enter the Dragon) has an amazing sequence where Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris fight it out at the Colosseum in Rome, closely observed by a kitten who seems very invested in the outcome. It’s incredibly entertaining because it’s a mixture of Martial Arts Seriousness and goofiness, plus the kitten was clearly nowhere near the action.

      In general, I love martial arts stuff because it’s so often just on the verge of outright silliness. I also love the famous sequence in Game of Death where Bruce Lee has to fight his way up multiple levels of a building to reach the big boss at the top. Bruce Lee vs Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is the highlight of that one.

      Oh, and I also just watched Come Drink With Me for the first time, it’s an amazing 1960s Hong Kong wuxia film featuring the late Pei-Pei Cheng (who was later in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) as one of the first heroines in a martial arts role.

      1. Zephy*

        +1 basically any wuxia/kung-fu movie will fit the bill, they’re all like that (don’t think too hard about the plot, just enjoy the impressive acrobatics and choreography).

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I call those “terribad” movies and I love them. Deep Blue Sea is definitely on my list. Along the shark theme, The Meg with Jason Statham. (The second one too but the first one was way better.)

      Battleship. It’s ridiculous but I always get a sniffle at the old vets firing up the Mighty Mo to go into war one last time, and they actually did do a decent job of working the game mechanics into the movie.

      In the horror side of things, Jason X (JASON IN SPAAAAACE) is the only one of the Friday the Thirteenth movies that I’ve ever seen, I am not usually a horror movie person, but it is so ridiculously over the top schlock and full of terrible jokes that it cracks me up every time. “We love premarital sex! Tee hee hee!”

      1. Buni*

        You are not alone! Battleship is one of my unashamed faves of all time – I think how they incorporated the game is genuinely genius and I’ll always watch it if I catch it on.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I own all three (well, four) of the ones I mentioned. :) looking at my shelf, I may also own the only DVD ever sold of Red Sonja, from Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Conan era, which I have loved since I was way too young to have been allowed to watch it, and weirdly it was also my introduction, at age 8 or so, to the idea that women could have romantic interest (that’s a terrible phrase in regards to this particular movie but I wasn’t old enough or observant enough to make the connection that she just wanted sex but anyway) in other women.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Lake Placid also has heavy Deep Blue Sea vibes, as well as Betty White advising law enforcement that “I’m rooting for the crocodile, I hope he swallows your friends whole.”

        1. Forrest Rhodes*

          Yes! I love Lake Placid! I stumbled across it one lazy TV-browsing afternoon, enjoyed the heck out of it, and now I watch whenever it’s on. Betty White is a joy, some of the dialogue was surprisingly real, and I love Bridget Fonda’s attitude.

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        Loved The Meg, because it knows if you put a tiny dog in peril said tiny dog MUST be shown rescued, alive and well, before the credits roll!

        I can watch a school bus full of children shaken in a T Rex’s jaws without a qualm but no hurting the pets.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I saw Gymkata when it came out and… yeah, pretty terrible! But I was vastly tickled when it turned up in “The LEGO Batman Movie”; at one point Robin says “I know gymkata” and proceeds to demonstrate same, kicking gremlins off of the Bat-flying-vehicle-of-some-kind.

    6. Mitchell Hundred*

      Piranha 3D is the one that comes to mind. But not the sequel, lightning didn’t strike twice on that one.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        I was going to add this one. I will drop everything when this is on. It is ridiculous, and Tommy Lee Jones and Don Cheadle and Anne Heche somehow play it with a straight face. Watching the La Brea Tar Pits bubble – fabulous.

        Also – Impact, with Natasha Henstridge, a TV miniseries story that could have been told in a 2-hr film, but this just extends the merriment. A piece of space hardware collides with our moon, throwing it on a course towards earth. Every day it gets dramatically larger in the sky, threatening earth’s imminent destruction. Only a team of attractive scientists can develop a plan to save the world. Through the whole serious dramatic story, I shout Tim Robbins’ line from Austin Powers-The Spy Who Shagged Me, when as the US President, he is asked if he is proposing to blow up the moon. “Would you miss it? Would you miss it.” Gaaah! Brilliant.

    8. MissGirl*

      You have to watch House 2. Not 1 but 2. It’s absolutely an awesome eighties horror film that’s more funny than horror.

    10. Anonymous cat*

      Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home!

      Come on, whales?? A Star Trek movie about whales?

      But I love it! Just go with it!

    11. GoryDetails*

      “The Killer Shrews” is one of mine – though I admit that the MST3K version is more fun than the original. The giant shrews were very obviously portrayed by happy dogs in really awful makeup, which rather detracted from any potential scare-factor!

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Killer Shrews! Killer Shrews!
        Don’t know the difference ‘tween me and you!
        They come out at night
        To give you a fright
        Better watch out ’cause they’re gonna take a bi-ite!

    12. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      Sharknado
      The Mummy (1999 version. DO NOT READ FROM THE BOOK!)
      The Mummy 2 ( not mummy 3)
      Fast & Furious 5, 6 and 7 ( 5 is the best, dragging a HUGE safe thru the streets of Rio, I want to go there)
      All of the Expendables, (Stallone, Statham, Schwarzenegger, Jet Li, Bruce Willis, Terry Crewes, Dolphins Lundgren, Chuck Norris, Jean Claude Van Damme Mickey Rourke and more!)

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Adding – the spinoff from the Mummy movies, The Scorpion King. Dwayne Johnson early in his non-wrestling acting career, very enjoyable.

      2. The Prettiest Curse*

        I haven’t seen many of the Fast and Furious films, but #5 is mindlessly entertaining in exactly the right way.

        1. Trixie Belden was my hero*

          Number 7 has a car jumping between 2 skyscrapers, so they did up the difficulty in stunts..
          5 – safe dragging
          6 – tank on a bridge in traffic then out of a plane
          7- jump between skyscrapers
          8- not a good story and then cars vs. submarine under ice.

          Tonight on SyFy channel starting at 6.
          The Mummy
          The Mummy Returns
          The Scorpion King

          probably should add everything on the SyFy channel is mindless fun!

            1. Trixie Belden was my hero*

              Thank you.
              Me too. It’s a good thing we didn’t have the internet then. The library was my internet.

    13. UKDancer*

      Does Team America count? It’s so silly and funny and makes me laugh every time. Also very quotable.

      I also really like Starship Troopers because it’s so overdone and the special effects are way better than they should be.

    14. goddessoftransitory*

      I love that kind of film: I classify them as Impossible Movies, where every scene contains something impossible yet happening. My favorites are: The A Team Movie, 1999’s The Mummy (not that Tom Cruise thing), National Treasure, Con Air, and similar. All good fun and fast moving nonsense.

      For actual B movies, I’ve got tons: monster movies, Giant bug flicks, noirs, you name it.

    16. Angstrom*

      Infra-Man. Ridiculous sci-fi kung-fu.
      The first Tremors. Obviously made by someone with a deep love of B monster movies and wanted to make one with good production values.

    17. dapfloodle*

      I was stumped about this for the first half or so of the replies, but then realized that it’s Corman’s “A Bucket of Blood.” I hate most black and white movies and there’s really no reason that I should enjoy this one in particular (other than possibly beatniks?), but I have it on DVD even though I basically never watch DVDs. My husband and I made my mom watch it, and she was like “???”

  31. Tinamedte*

    Share your parenting wins!

    I’m so doubtful of my own parenting right now, and regretting some long time strategies/approaches so much, that I (a bit to my own surprise) broke down crying while making lunch today.

    Obviously time for a shift in perspective, and I was hoping for your success stories to give me hope :-)

    My own parenting win is that I’ve managed to feed my eating reluctant kid well enough that he’s straight on his curve, length- and weightwise. Yay!

    1. Jill Swinburne*

      Mine (7) had a massive meltdown when she was losing a card game, threw her cards down, stormed off to the dining room, then a couple of minutes later came back, took some breaths, picked up her cards, said ‘sorry about that’ and carried on happily.

      I was actually amazed at how well she managed to regulate herself with absolutely no assistance.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      We had to feed the youngest straight cream cheese as a baby to pack in some calories, as he would rather climb things than stop to eat. He has just finished his masters. It all turned out fine.

      I am here from the future to assure you that you are allowed to evaluate what you have been doing and that it doesn’t seem to be working any more, and try a new thing. In parenting as in other endeavors. Consistency is good–kids need things to be predictable and feel solid around them–but you can still drop the things that don’t fit. Sometimes those things worked well at an earlier time, or with an earlier kid, but they aren’t actually working for where you are right now.

    3. Generic Name*

      I totally feel you on regretting some past parenting strategies. My son is almost 18 and looking back there are definitely some things I would have done differently, but he’s a great teenager now. There was a time when he basically had one friend and got suspended from school at least once a year. Now he’s got two large groups of friends and is about to apply for college and hasn’t been in trouble in school in 4 years. I won’t go into all the details of what changed because they are unique to his situation, but I made some tough choices and spent a lot of money on getting an accurate diagnosis and supports. Kids are still developing, and are very responsive to their environment, so it’s easier to course correct while they are young.

    4. Double A*

      I planned a 3 week road trip with my kids this summer, and it went off very smoothly. However, it caused a potty training regression with my son. August was miserable because he was afraid to go #2 so a vicious cycle developed.

      After the use of some supportive medication M&M bribery, he is back to pooping on the potty with no drama and is now in fact waking up with a dry diaper so I think he might be fully potty trained.

    5. Fellow Traveller*

      You’re doing great! I know I’m just an internet stranger, but I find that if a person is even wondering if they are a bad parent, then they definitely aren’t.
      When she was 10.5, my kid had her first period which I was totally unprepared for, and she asked me to teach her how to put in a tampon and it got stuck and we had to get it out together and it was a little weird, but I don’t think either of us are scarred for life or anything and actually we laughed a lot and it was all fine in the end. And the tween years have been really rough and I can’t seem to do anything right, but I think tampon training was one of our closest moments and I’m glad I handled it in an open and honest way and that she’s really comfortable with her period. Though she has sworn off tampons for a good long while.

    6. rkz*

      My kids are pretty young, but I can already relate about parenting regrets!
      My current win is more about a mental shift for me – I’ve decided to try to practice radical acceptance about my 4yo’s shyness. he is happy and content to go to preschool and play completely alone without talking with other kids at all. I’ve decided this school year that I am just going to accept that and stop encouraging (i.e. pestering) him to make friends. to be clear, his teachers have no concerns or anything.

      it’s only been a week, but it’s already allowed me to focus more on all his wonderful, positive traits!

    7. Unkempt Flatware*

      Not a parent. But I was raised by selfish emotionally unintelligent people. This post by itself is a parenting win for you. Way to go!

    8. Not That Jane*

      I have a very bright, articulate & sensitive 8yo who can go from zero to angry VERY quickly if things aren’t going her way. The other day, inspired by the book Self-Reg, I decided to teach her about her prefrontal cortex & her amygdala. I explained it as “this part of your brain helps you make calm, thoughtful, constructive decisions, and this other part of your brain helps you respond to threats. When the threat detection system is active, the calm thoughtful parts can’t be as involved anymore” (and I went into the evolutionary advantages of having a strong threat detection system – she finds that stuff fascinating). We talked about how to engage in conversation when someone else’s amygdala is activated, the benefit of taking a break from a stressful conversation, strategies to calm and regulate herself when she notices herself getting upset…

      Then I left for an errand, and when I came back she was having a long conversation about math with her dad – this is normally a triggery topic for her – and I heard her saying things like, “Dad, I think the best strategy for me is…” and “Hang on, I need a moment to take a deep breath.” It was honestly one of my proudest moments as a parent, to see that she cares about self-regulating and can apply what she learns instead of immediately getting angry.

    9. Wiggly*

      My kid and his best friend (ca age 6) both cleaned up beautifully today, and without being asked! In the evening, my kid needed a bit of prodding but cleaned up well in the end, as well. Yay!

    10. Anon for this*

      Ages ago when my son was an early teen and just ILL TEMPERED, we were in the car and he said something nasty. I was totally silent because I was actually speechless because I couldn’t think of one thing to say. After about five minutes of total silence, he apologized! I learned then that if you let someone’s words ring in their ears, 9 times out of 10 they’ll apologize.

  32. Cookies For Breakfast*

    One more from me, different topic. I’m having a small oral surgery procedure next week, and it seems that for a couple of days afterwards, I’m better off eating soft foods without much texture. If you’ve been there before, what recipes have made you happy (or at least not entirely miserable)? Food is one of my main sources of good mood and I expect a pretty awful week at work. It’s already a blow that I may need to forget about bread for a bit!

    I already have soup, scrambled eggs, a stew of very soft vegetables, and porridge in my menu ideas. I’m not into having smoothies as meals. Looking for suggestions of something different that is easy to scale for one person and can be made without fuss for lunch (I work from home).

    1. Jill Swinburne*

      Try a Japanese rice porridge! Cook sushi rice, then a different pot you have seaweed (I just use nori torn up), stock of your choice, tofu, spring onion, mushrooms, then simmer it for a few minutes, add in your rice, let it thicken, and if you want you can beat an egg in (but I like it better without). Then finely chopped leafy greens if you think it’s a good idea for your mouth, otherwise leave them out. I discovered that recipe on Miwa’s Japanese Cooking on youtube and have it for lunch often. In your case I’d probably chop everything up quite finely.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Mashed potatoes. Instant ones come in 1-2 serving packets and a range of flavors, plus you can add your own seasoning. You can also add additional milk to make them more like potato soup.

      If you like oatmeal, it comes in a gazillion flavors too, and my husband discovered last time he had dental surgery that you can also use flavored protein shakes as the liquid in oatmeal. The brand of shakes that tastes the best to us is Premier Protein, available at Costco and Sam’s in large packs for a few flavors (chocolate, vanilla, cafe latte) and at most grocery stores in 4-packs for a bunch more flavors, he liked the fruity ones best in oatmeal. (Personally when I’ve been on soft food diets post surgery I mostly just drink chocolate protein shakes. Definitely best cold.)

      1. ronda*

        I really like mashed potatoes and I would recommend the bob Evans refrigerated kind. When I first use it I divide in into serving sizes in microwavable containers… (first serving left in original packaging). Microwave it and also heat up some gravy from a jar. very good.

    3. Decidedly Me*

      Polenta with soft veggies and a tomato (or other) sauce, caprese salad, congee, pasta can work if you’re fine cooking it past a normal point of doneness, matar (or other) paneer, rice pudding if you want something sweet!

    4. Cordelia*

      do you have a blender? you can pretty much blend anything. It has novelty value at least. I had to eat a soft diet for a couple of weeks once, and my boyfriend and roommates at the time had great fun blending whatever they were eating, for me. It was very fun for them, anyway, though I had to request that they at least kept the different foods separate – chicken pie, broccoli, carrots and boiled potatoes all blended together is exactly as appetising as you are imaging.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Porridge is good.

      Recovering from dental surgery is the precise time when you might benefit from processed food, which compared to homemade is easy to chew and extra calorie dense. When chewing is difficult, those are suddenly big plusses. (My mom had rough dental surgery. Bob Evans mashed potatoes, Bob Evans macaroni and cheese, and yogurt with berries parfaits were things she could manage.)

    6. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      Soft maccaroni with cheese sauce, no meat or veg. Optionally a smooth tomato dip/guac on the side.
      Best wishes for a quick recovery and back to your normal food/joy.

    8. Zephy*

      I got all 4 wisdom teeth out at once, plus a bonus molar that was just too badly damaged to repair. It so happened that the grocery store was running a 10-for-$10 sale on pudding cups the week before my procedure, so I stocked up on that and lived mostly on pudding and yogurt for the first few days. You’ll want to stick to very homogenous things at first – anything even a little chunky, even small/soft chunks, runs the risk of getting stuck in your empty tooth sockets, which you don’t want.

    9. SansaStark*

      My husband had extensive dental work done and was in that interim phase for a long time — could eat more than just soup but couldn’t chew anything remotely hard/crunchy. His favorites were macaroni and cheese, macaroni salad, hard boiled eggs.

    10. Llellayena*

      I lived on mashed potatoes and mashed sweet potatoes for a week. Possible mix-ins: pesto, butter and cinnamon, butter and maple syrup, Greek yogurt, blended vegetables.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        This reminded me of a recipe I had saved for ages, which is sweet potatoes baked whole to the point of extreme softness, and then filled with mozzarella and a pesto-like dressing. The odds I’ll try it this week are very high!

    12. Annie Edison*

      How do you feel about yogurt-ish products? I’ve been obsessed with the cold brew coffee flavored extra creamy skyr from Icelandic Provisions and eat it as either a snack or part of my lunch most days lately. Skyr is sort of like yogurt but a little thicker and creamier. It’s got more protein per serving than regular yogurt, without the extra tang associated with greek yogurt. They have a ton of different flavor options available too so you don’t get bored. You can google for their website and see a list, plus check to see if it’s available in a grocery store near you.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        The cold brew coffee flavour sounds right up my street, and I’m sad this brand doesn’t seem to be sold anywhere around me!

      2. Cookies For Breakfast*

        Ok, I’m craving a saffron risotto now. Which means between now and Thursday I’m going to have to open a bottle of white wine…

    15. Girasol*

      I survived wisdom tooth extraction on cookies dunked in milk. It’s not good as a steady diet but it’s a nice filling treat.

    16. DentalWoes*

      I found I craved sweet things more than usual. Pudding cups are a must have now for me. Don’t forget good old fashioned popsicles- the cold will feel fantastic. Ice cream too, but without stuff mixed in.

      Oatmeal is nice, as are soups that are mostly broth – chunkier soups/soups with lots of veggies typically don’t work well the first few days.

      Good luck!

    18. dontbeadork*

      Cottage cheese. You can add *very* soft fruits like strawberries cut up fine if you need a bit more flavor.

      Believe it or not, if you’re not on a liquid diet you can probably handle pancakes. They need to be the really fluffy sort and soak ’em with syrup or fruit preserves that doesn’t have seeds or chunks, so like a rhubarb sauce.

      When I had implants and needed to relearn how to chew on the side of my mouth that hadn’t had teeth in decades, I found super soft stuff that I could mash against my palate with my tongue was helpful because I could give a couple of actual chews and still break down the food to swallow-able bits when I inevitably bit the inside of my cheek or my tongue and wanted to stop chewing for a bit.

    19. allathian*

      When I had oral surgery a year ago, I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink anything warmer than body temperature for two days. I lived on yoghurt, gazpacho, and ice cream. Anything chewy or chunky and spicy was banned for another week or so, but I was happy to go back to warm food.

  33. Valancy Stirling*

    Procrastination thread! What have you been putting off that you’d like to get done this weekend?

    I want to finally start drawing and painting in watercolors again. Perfectionism has been holding me back.

    1. Jill Swinburne*

      It’s such a tough one! One thing I can suggest is just watercolour doodling – don’t try to paint something, just play with colours, watch them blend, make some pretty shades, try granulating paints vs non-granulating ones, sprinkle salt, etc. I put a lot of pressure on myself to make a masterpiece but if you’re not trying to do anything in particular you can just…play.

    2. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I have a few bits of financial life admin that I have been putting off for months, mostly because I’ve been travelling. Now I no longer have that excuse, but it still feels like a mountain too heavy to move on my own.

      On the plus side, I put a stop to the procrastinating of sharing my thought process with my much savvier partner. On the minus side, he handles his personal savings in a different way, and his approach doesn’t work for my situation (we very much agree on our shared finances, so no concerns there). Back to researching concepts and options I go, I guess…

    4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I love when you post this thread!

      The big-ticket item I need to do is buy a new bed so that I can move back into my apartment after the roach issues.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Well, I tried, and then halfway through ordering a bed, the salesperson was like, “By the way, this will take 7 to 12 weeks.” I wound up getting a tall aerobed instead as a stopgap. Maybe I’ll go back and finish ordering the good bed, though.

    5. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      Could you visit a craft show where other artists are showing watercolors? It might give inspiration/motivation to see what others are doing and maybe talk a little to them if that’s appropriate

      1. Valancy Stirling*

        There aren’t many watercolor artists in my area, unfortunately, at least ones who go to artisan markets or craft shows. But thanks for the suggestion!

    6. Forrest Rhodes*

      The winnowing-down of decades worth of clothes I’ll never wear again, things in the “This Reminds Me Of The Time …” category, useless but sentimentally connected stuff, etc. The job won’t be completed this weekend, but I fantasize about at least getting it started.

      I’m like the woman in the old New Yorker cartoon: Husband is standing at the front door with briefcase, hat, and coat, obviously just returning from work. Wife is in curlers and bathrobe, relaxing on the sofa with a book. Breakfast dishes are on the table, living room is a mess, etc.
      At his questioning look, she responds, “I couldn’t decide where to start … so I didn’t.”
      Me, in a nutshell. I think of a great starting process, then the size of the whole task overwhelms me, then I sigh and go read another book.
      Wish me luck.

        1. Forrest Rhodes*

          Thanks, Valancy. It’s really ridiculous—for my work, I handle large, complex projects that can take as long as a year, and I’m a champ at breaking them down into bite-size pieces and meeting the deadlines.

          So why in the brown-eyed world am I apparently unable to extrapolate that ability to my personal life? As Yul Brynner once said of an entirely different situation, “Is a puzzlement!”

          Anyway, I’ll get this done—I swear I will! Your encouragement is greatly appreciated. :)

    7. Un, Deux, Trois, Cat*

      Cleaning my house! It’s a perpetual procrastination. I already did the grading that was long overdue – so there’s that to celebrate, at least.

    8. Annie Edison*

      I had a pest control treatment in my apartment earlier this week and had to pull everything away from the baseboards in preparation. I ran out of steam during the workweek to move everything back, so I’m going to make myself conquer that today, and hopefully do a quick steam clean of my couch since it’s pulled out from the wall anyway

    9. Peanut Hamper*

      I have a website for the zines that I publish and I have not updated it in yonks! I really need to. (It probably won’t happen this weekend.)

      Part of it is that I feel it doesn’t get a lot of traffic, and while I could easily check that I don’t–because I feel like it doesn’t get a lot of traffic, so what’s the point? It’s a vicious cycle/circle.

        1. Peanut Hamper*

          Thank you!

          I would love to, but I’ve doxxed myself on here once before and people were….not nice. But I am on Etsy, along with lots of other zine makers.

    10. goddessoftransitory*

      FINALLY called the junk haulers, and we also are having our friend who assisted us so mightily in our move over for dinner! Ahhh, crossing stuff off the list is the best.

      Also making progress in my book pile while holding off on new purchases (for now.)

      Next up: covid/flu shot and booking a hair trim. Also, coming up with somewhere to go for our anniversary dinner.

    11. dapfloodle*

      I needed to do some paperwork associated with transferring over a car title… but womp womp, left the paperwork at Place that Must Not be Named over the weekend, so that’s getting put off for longer. I am, however, about to finish making some chicken stock… I’ve been saving various veggie scraps in the freezer for quite awhile along with the chicken bones, but had to wait until I had room in the freezer to store the finished stock. So in about an hour I’ll turn off the crockpot and strain out the solids, then divide up the stock into one and two cup containers for freezing.

  34. PhyllisB*

    Today we will be saving goodbye to our son. Perhaps it will be real to me now.
    Even though in my mind I know he’s gone, my heart just can’t seem to accept it.

    2. Be the Change*

      Sending you waves of care from wherever I am to wherever you are. I’m so sorry for all these grievous things happening in your family. Thank you for trusting the AAM group with your story.

      1. Tea & Sympathy*

        Yes, this. I’m so very sorry for your loss. You’ve been through a lot, please be very patient and gentle with yourself.

    5. Cottontail*

      I’m so sorry. Losing a child is unfathomly difficult. I hope you’re able to find comfort in some good memories of him.

    7. MomHeart*

      ((PhyllisB)) Iam so sorry for your loss. May your memories and the knowledge of his impact on your life and the world comfort you.

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      I’m sorry for this loss; I don’t think we ever quite recover from the loss of children.

      If it helps, I’ve found a lot of truth in the maxim that the grief doesn’t so much diminish as it shifts backward gradually. For a time it’s the only thing in your field of view, and gradually it becomes just one part.

    10. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      So sorry you are having to deal with this. I am sending you a big hug and a wish that you will be very gentle and kind to yourself.

    12. Jean (just Jean)*

      Oh, that is so, so hard. As Generic Name said, no parent should have to bury their child.
      Sending internet hugs if you want them.
      Take care of yourself today and in the future. Grief can be hard work and it can sneak up on you unexpectedly. I hope that people offer you logistical help or a listening ear.

      >Even though in my mind I know he’s gone, my heart just can’t seem to accept it.
      Your heart doesn’t have to do anything on any sort of schedule. This is just part of your grief.

    16. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. You’ve had such a terribly hard road leading up to this.
      I wish you the very best and hopefully a bit of peace.

    17. PhyllisB*

      Thank all of you so much for your kind words of sympathy.
      The service was really nice. We had a slide show of photos of him through the years. His oldest friend (who also happens to be a pastor) spoke as well as my oldest daughter. I asked for personal and humorous and that’s what they did. The only really bad moment I had was when
      I looked across the room at a young man walking out the door and from the back he looked just like my son. It was quite a jolt.
      Otherwise I couldn’t have asked for a better tribute.

      1. My Brain is Exploding*

        That’s lovely, sometimes something is “off” at the funeral, and I’m glad that will not be a tainted memory. So sorry for your heartbreaking loss.

  35. Anima*

    Whenever I look at my life in the moment, I fell like I don’t really live it, but my life lives me. As in, I don’t really have agency about it and nothing goes my way (hyperbole).
    But then I sit down and listen to old music I loved or look at pictures from 15 years back, and it’s just a feeling. I did do much, and I truly lived my life! Granted, there a some experiences that were rather reactions than decisions of my own, but overall I had a fulfilled live.

    And then I wonder what changed and why I feel like my life lives me right now.

    I’m only 37 years old, too. *laughs*.
    How do you feel about getting older and living your live to the fullest?

    1. Excel Gardener*

      When I start to feel that way it’s usually because I get too sucked into my routine. Routine is great to a point but I need to inject novelty every now and then. For me it’s things like going to concerts, checking out a new restaurant or museum, and trying out a new hobby that make me feel more like I’m living (even if I’m still in my normal routine 90% of the time).

      1. Sloanicota*

        I so agree about routine. It’s not all bad, but it makes the days pass in a blur such that I wake up and realize a whole season has passed and I basically missed it. Now I try to schedule and commit to at least one seasonal thing every month and plan around it, plus trying to be very conscious of really mixing it up on weekends vs weekdays. One of my worst habits is mucking about on the computer all weekend so that it essentially feels like not-work work.

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I had a similar feeling about 10 years ago. I tried to think about what I really enjoyed from when I was younger, which for me was playing music. It took a long time, but I did finally find a groups with which to play music again, and it made me SO happy! That got disrupted by the pandemic and my being covid cautious, but I hope to get back there someday.

      Maybe try to identify what made you the happiest and see if you can find something similar to do now?

    3. Carla*

      I feel you on this. I’m also a similar age. I feel like I spend so much of my life doing have-tos to make a living, make meducal appointments, handle my finances, social obligations with the in laws, getting the car serviced, student loans…. the list goes on and on. When I started my career, the work was a new and exciting challenge, and it’s a rewarding area as well. Now, it feels more of a day to day grind.
      I don’t want to feel I wasted some of the best years of my life. When I look back at earlier years, I’m grateful for my experiences while at the same time remembering how stressed I was. I don’t want this period of life to pass me by in a blur of chores and daily stress.
      So I’m trying to put better boundaries around work time, be more efficient with planning, and build a some time into my schedule each week for the things that matter: getting outside into nature with my partner on the weekend, reading, writing, my spiritual practices, trying to invite possible friends over more often.

    4. Unkempt Flatware*

      I overcome this feeling by journaling a lot. I have a record of my life from my own hand and it makes a difference.

    5. Emma*

      I think this is very common as you approach middle age. I think some of it is physical (less energy to try new things), some of it is life stage (perhaps fewer natural places to meet people, like college, and maybe different/increased responsibilities, if you have pets or kids or a partner or own a dwelling), and some of it is inertia.

      I try to be kind to myself and realize that I’m at a different phase of life than when I was 20, and it’s ok! I think doing stuff you used to enjoy can also help. I canvassed for a political candidate today for the first time since 2008, and it was so energizing, to feel like a part of something like that again (even though I have much, much less time to devote to it than I did then!).

      1. Sloanicota*

        I have realized about myself that I have a great craving for novelty, but it’s harder to fill as you get older and have more and more experiences and more perspective. Travel is amazing, but it’s also exhausting trying to top yourself to get to more and more remote / unique places. I’ve started various creative outlets with courses and at this point I’m more likely to know what I like. Now I try to channel some of that desire inward to appreciating the small things, and remind myself wherever I go, there I am – I’m probably not going to find the secret to the universe by getting away.

    6. Busy Middle Manager*

      To a certain extent, this is life. For example, four people I knew were in the hospital the past year. I couldn’t control that. I had to take off work to drive people around, visit them, watch pets, etc.

      But on a day to day basis, you need to create something, which gives you control over life.
      This is one main reason I went freelance. Even if I earn a little less, I enjoy the unpredictability and high income potential, even if I don’t reach it. But it’s possible. One day soon, maybe. The weeks I do well? Feel the opposite of how you describe. I get instant gratification. Not like when I worked for someone else and had coworkers mess up their part, or not acknowledge what I did. Or having to talk about it non-stop to justify a 4% raise. Screw that, at this point!

      Obviously that’s a big move, but you could be create by drawing, gardening. Buy a keyboard with earphones and practice it like a piano….

      1. Sloanicota*

        That was my favorite thing about freelancing. Extra effort actually raised my income, and the whole entrepreneurial thing felt like an adventure. I need to find more ways to channel that energy into my Weekend-Thread life.

    7. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’m older than you, but about 4-5 years ago I felt like I wanted more intentionality in my life.
      I ended up getting a Passion Planner and have been using them each year ever since. It really helps me to prioritize my time. It also has a spot each week to note everything good that happened, and that helps keep me in a grateful space.

    8. Annie Edison*

      Yes! I have had very similar feelings lately, right down to the part about looking back and realizing I have, in fact, lived a full life thus far.

      I’m a similar age and I think for me, part of it is a loss of the feeling of infinite possibility I felt through my twenties, and even into my early thirties. It felt at that time as if I had so much freedom to decide where to live, what jobs to pursue, how I spent my time, what new skills I wanted to learn. My whole life was ahead of me, and I could be anything or anyone I wanted!

      As I get older though, there’s a sense of narrowing- it’s not that I can’t choose a totally different path or pick up and move to a new place, it’s just that it becomes a bit more difficult to do that when you have a few decades of choices that have shaped your life already behind you, and adult habits that have become more deeply ingrained.

      Gratitude and reflection have helped when I feel stuck- taking time to notice the things I do appreciate about my life now, and placing my focus more on the choices I can make instead of on the things that feel like they’ve been decided for me. Mostly, though, I think I want to say that I really empathize with this and you’re not the only one

    9. Angstrom*

      Well, as we get older we usually have more responsibilities, and much of the time we feel “I HAVE to do _________” or “I CAN’T do __________”.
      I think it helps that many of those “have-to-dos” are actually choices, or the result of choices we’ve made. One does have options.
      One of the ways to regain agency is to get more comfortable at simply asking for what you want. Many constraints are self-imposed.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        And in addition to asking for what you want, maybe also getting more comfortable at saying
        “no” to what you don’t want? It took me a long time to realize that people didn’t necessarily hate me when I said no, even if they were a little disappointed. (And if they did hate me, that was a “them” problem, not a “me” problem.)

  36. Bookworm in Stitches*

    Trying to eat healthier lunches at work. Cute things help me, so I purchased a Bento box from Costco. What are things you pack for your lunches? I’m afraid once I start getting bored I’ll backslide to eating junk at my desk.

    1. Ellis Bell*

      I’ve realised that the toaster at work will heat up (pre cooked) corn tacos pretty nicely, so yesterday I brought leftover black beans mixed with some cheese and homemade salsa. Equally it can heat up pita breads nicely enough to make humuus what it should be. I’ve also started making a nice vinaigrette dressing at the start of the week, or marinated beans, and just adding leftover quinoa or rice or salad with some protein.

    2. Hyaline*

      I make a big salad—my current fave is a kale and cabbage shredded mix with feta and chicken, I also recently did tomato a mozzarella—and eat it for several days. Then I keep fruit, nuts, babybel cheese, other small snack stuff on hand to supplement. The key for me is a prepped main.

    3. Slinky*

      I’ve always loved dips, so I will often make dips the basis for my lunch. Hummus is a personal favorite (store bought or homemade), served with sliced veggies and pita wedges. You can also add things to the hummus to make it more texturally interesting, like nuts (pine nuts are good but pricey, smoked almonds are a bit cheaper) or cubed salami (that one, I got from a cookbook).

    4. Excel Gardener*

      My go to lunch these days is a salad with fruits and nuts in it. It’s healthy, and creates a nice balance of sweet and salty. My favorite combo is apple or pear and cashews. I tend to use arugula or kale for the leafy greens as they stay fresh longer in the fridge than lettuce. The nice thing is it’s pretty easy to change up day-to-day (change up the fruit, nut, or dressing).

    5. fposte*

      I did bento off and on for years, alternating with frozen soups, and the key for me was avoiding a one-dish approach. I really loved opening my box and seeing a little stack of strawberries, a cupcake liner of nuts, some slices of chicken, a little nest of greens, etc., and I really enjoyed following the variety of colors guidelines. Another advantage is that leftover amounts too small to make a serving are perfect in a bento.

    6. Nicki Name*

      I make a big batch of soup on the weekend and freeze it in individual portions. Not very cute, but provides plenty of variety from week to week.

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      We select our weekly menus to specifically include easy to pack work lunches. This week I did spring veggie pasta and savory muffins and Husband minestrone soup, for example.

      It makes a HUGE difference whether you have a microwave and access to a fridge at work.

    8. c-*

      I do batch cooking on weekends and use a wide-mouth camping thermos to bring my lunch to work, but it doesn’t sound like the right approach for you (it is repetitive).

      Some tips:
      – Go with varied small portions you can mix and match.
      – Choose things that make you happy so prepping is more motivating.
      – Prepare your lunch the night before.
      – Always pack some protein, some carbs, and some vitamins. Adjust portions to your appetite and dietary needs; if you need guidance, compare the size of the rice dish in traditional bentos to the rest of the dishes to get a feel for the carb to protein ratio.
      – Protein ideas: peeled hard boiled eggs cut in half, cold meats (frankfurt sausages, turkey, chicken, deli or smoked cuts…), nuts (cashews, walnuts, hazelnuts, pistacchios…), fish (smoked salmon, mackerel, tuna, sardines…), beans (hummus, beans, crunchy soy beans, dry chickpeas…), cheese, tofu…
      – Carb ideas (add sauce of your choice): boiled rice, peas, pasta, slices of bread, pita, toast, potato salad, dried fruit, veggie dips (eggplant, bell pepper)…
      – Vitamin ideas: fresh cubed fruit and veggies (apple, mango, pineapple, banana, tangerine, tomato, cucumber, carrot, celery…), greens and small salads (spinach, lettuce, arugula…), lightly steamed or pickled veggies (broccoli, cauliflower, assorted cabbages…)

      Best of luck! Changing habits is hard but you can do it :)

  37. Falling Diphthong*

    Books that really resonated with you because they captured an important vibe?

    In real life I have been thinking a lot lately about Narrative–how hard it is to break out of the existing narrative about something, even moreso when you helped to create that narrative. I keep returning to a point in The Appeal by Hallett, which is about the charity appeal for a child’s medical treatment, where you know something is hinky–but what, and who’s in on it, and who’s fooled, and who’s suspicious but about completely the wrong thing, are mysteries to uncover. There’s a point late in the story where one character sees the whole thing: They recognize the scam, who’s benefitting, why. And then… they back away. That can’t be true. That person wouldn’t be so nakedly self serving. They wouldn’t lie–to me, to everyone. And I certainly wouldn’t fall for it. I haven’t been out telling people to believe a lie. No, I must have been mistaken when I felt those doubts. There must be a good explanation…

    Such a perfect rendering of the human reluctance to switch over into a new narrative, especially when that involves admitting we’ve been wrong when constructing the old narrative.

    2. WellRed*

      I lived Wild by Cheryl Strayed. Just something about it felt very … finding oneself. Also, beautiful writing.

    3. dapfloodle*

      Well, there is Crowley’s Aegypt Cycle, but I’m not sure I can really explain why! It did pique my interest in various other things though (most obviously Giordano Bruno).

  38. Cookies For Breakfast*

    I enjoyed reading this! I didn’t like The Appeal, because a few things about the writing struck me as way too contrived. So interesting to hear from someone who dug into character psychology so much, because I didn’t get that deep.

    My contribution to this thread is I’m Sorry You Feel That Way by Rebecca Wait. It delves a lot on the relationship between a mother and her Millennial daughters, and as a Millennial woman…wow. The vibe I think it captures perfectly is how family of origin trauma gets passed down through the generations, and how silently pervasive it is until someone makes a conscious decision to break the cycle. It’s so easy to see where the mother gets her dysfunctional behaviours from, and how deeply rooted they are, so that she can’t help perpetuating them (in a sort of “this is how I was raised, so naturally it’s the only possible way to raise you” manner), and is unable or unwilling to see how her thought patterns affect her daughters even when it’s clear they are hurting. This is stuff I think a lot about, because the family I grew up in has its own spin on this particular narrative – but I never saw the heart of the matter so clearly, or at least portrayed so clearly in literature, until this particular book.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Something I loved reading Emily Henry’s Book Lovers is that as a reader, I used the word “parentification” for the heroine’s relationship with her (now deceased) mom. But the pov character never uses that term, and views her childhood as a special and magical time with a great mother. Her younger sister does not remember things the same way, and views their childhood through a very different lens. Probably including the term “parentification,” as it seems she’s thought a lot about the patterns they’re following and which (it turns out) she’s trying to break.

  39. RussianInTexas*

    Thank you for all the non-fiction recommendations last week. I put a quite a few of them on my reading list.

  40. Paris Geller*

    I would love some suggestions for easy, low-cost-to-entry hobbies. One of my goals this year was to find things to do that bring me joy rather than just sitting on the couch and watching 3 hours of TV. I’ve found some new things to enjoy: coloring, puzzles, friendship bracelet making (huge Swiftie here!), and diamond painting but I would like to try other things as well. I do enjoy a lot of the more craft-y hobbies. I was thinking punch needle–I’ve seen some kits at the craft stores that seem affordable and it doesn’t seem to complicated to learn. Anyone do it and can confirm, or have ideas for other easy hobbies?

    1. Anonymous cat*

      I’m not a punch needle crafter, but Craft stores usually also have beginner kits for needlepoint. Those are fun and if you like needlepoint, there are TONS of designs!

    2. KatCardigans*

      Punch needle is fun! I haven’t done it in a very long time, but I remember not finding it very difficult.

      Cross-stitch has endless variety and is very easy to start, and you can get kits pretty cheap at most craft stores.

      3. UKDancer*

        Cross stitch is fun and can be as easy or as hard as you want. Kits vary from the very easy for beginners to the more difficult ones. I find it very soothing and a diversion. I tend to put an audio book on and listen to something soothing while I sew.

    3. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Crochet is fairly inexpensive to learn. You just need a hook, ball of yarn and a learn to crochet book/web site/videos

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        Yeah, definitely crocheting. Even at a beginner stage, you can still make practical things, and as you get better, you can make really complex things.

        I finally figured out how to do a proper granny square a few weeks ago and the sense of accomplishment over that is strong.

      2. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

        My sister specifically likes crocheting dish scrubbies – they are useful and make great gifts.

      3. ronda*

        I took up crocheting…. but I dont want crocheted stuff for myself. So I donate via Warm Up America at a local shop. They donate to local homeless shelters, etc. (I have also made blankets for gifts for family member)

        I also just ordered a paint by number :). haven’t started it yet.

        I think just picking whatever kit online that intrests you and is in your budget is a great approach.

    4. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

      Melt and pour soap. Can use line empty boxes and cartons for molds. Just need the soap base. Can add colors (using colorants designed for the purpose, or even turmeric from your pantry for a yellow/orange. Can add skin safe fragrance oil. I’m sure craft supply stores sell little kits too. There are many creative possibilities if you enjoy it.

    5. Two cents*

      English paper piecing? A kind of quilt piecing made with easy hand sewing techniques. Low cost and travels well because you can do it literally little bits at a time. It can be time consuming, but if you can stand slow progress on a big thing, I find it satisfying.

    6. Hyaline*

      Cross-stitch, crocheting, and even knitting can be fairly low-entry in terms of skill and supply purchase–you can get very basic cross stitch and crochet kits with beginner-level projects. Those hobbies can ramp up big-time in term of time and money investment, but they don’t have to!

    7. MissCoco*

      I’ve never done punch needle but love embroidery for the ability to get a cheap kit and have everything you need in it. Crochet and knitting are very cheap to get into as well, though in my personal experience more expensive once they suck you in.
      I recently picked up watercolor painting and as a beginner one decent round brush and a quality sketchbook kept me happy with an old crayola paint set for a few weeks, I recently upgraded my paint and it is nicer but imo investing in paper is a better use of money.

    8. Girasol*

      You can embroider all over your clothing for pennies. Or if you don’t want to risk messing up your good clothes, pick up a second hand shirt to play with.

      1. Jill Swinburne*

        Flashbacks to my grandmother! You could not buy a top with a design on it that she wouldn’t want to embellish with embroidery. It’s a family joke – we still laugh when we buy clothes we know she’d want to be all over – but I absolutely treasure the embroidery cushions of hers that I have.

    9. Gamer Girl*

      Embroidery! My mom and grandma never bought patterns, they traced pictures out of coloring books. Sounds like you already have those! And if you’re making friendship bracelets, then you already have floss :)

      Grab a dishtowel you have (or pick up a pack of “flour sack” dishtowels in the craft section–cheap!). Make sure to wash and dry a new dishtowel before using it, otherwise your work will shrink!

      For maximum ease of embroidery, you can iron first (but don’t iron over pencil tracing or it won’t come out). This isn’t obligatory though, just something I started doing once I got older.

      Then, just get an embroidery hoop, spare needle, and start stitching. It’s very easy and fun to start by following the lines. Great tutorials online that I’ve recommended to friends are The Spruce. There are lots of others out there.

      If you enjoy embroidery, there are lots of “sampler” patterns online that are inexpensive that can teach you most of the stitches. One of my favorites is a mouse in a hot air balloon: the balloon has a stripe of each different stitch! And the next level up is “the princess and the pea” where each mattress and quilt is a different layer (made it for my mom, as that’s my dad’s nickname for her!)

      As a bonus, for a 2-5 dollars per indie pdf pattern, you are getting a beautiful coloring page and embroidery pattern AND supporting an independent artist :)

      Last bit of advice for getting started: trace something relatively small and simple to get started. It’s very easy to add more! Trace in the corner–much easier than in the middle of the dishcloth :)

    10. Bike Walk Barb*

      I haven’t had time for it this year, but early in the pandemic I started painting rocks I’d leave for people to find at places like bus stops. I got outdoor acrylic paint, a bag of river rocks from a hardware store because those are nice and smooth, and some spray sealant. I’m not an artist by any stretch, but I can do small flowers, simple geometric repeating patterns, and sayings.

      It’s illegal to leave them in state parks in my state but I live near a couple of city parks and I’ve tucked them into hollows in trees and other spots. It always makes me happy to walk there a short time later and note that the rock is gone; I imagine it going home in someone’s pocket. (Please don’t tell me it’s the park staff and they’re unhappy with me.) At one point in one park I was in a silent dialogue with someone who was leaving glass game markers in some of the same places I picked for my rocks. I’d leave them a rock and take the game marker, figuring we were doing the same thing.

      I often recommend Zentangle, which has a kit you can buy with instructions at the dot com site. Easy to do with surprisingly intricate results on small cardstock cards so there’s no huge commitment in space or time. I’d seen a book on it and was intrigued long ago, finally got the kit in early pandemic. It made my rock painting much prettier.

    11. HannahS*

      Embroidery and cross-stitch (and other needle arts like sashiko) are quite affordable and there’s a lot of room to progress from beginner to expert. Same with crochet, though yarn can get expensive if you’re hoping to make nice garments.

      As a crafter, there are specific kinds of cooking that scratch that itch for me; specifically dumpling-making (like won tons or gyoza.)

      Paint-by numbers seems fun, too.

  41. Miss Buttons*

    I love simple sewing projects like making potholders or hair scrunchies. Youtube is your friend for instructions videos for so many crafts. I also like paper crafts. I got some beautiful decorative cardstock paper and I’m making personalized bookmarks for people.

  42. Toddler Mom*

    Did anyone try bringing their toddler to little league soccer, have it fail abysmally, and their kid later love sports and have a reasonable attention span? Everyone was my kid’s age, 2.5 and listening to instructions but my kid had none of it to the point I wondered whether there was a medical explanation (autism/ADHD runs in my spouse’s family). No tantrums, but did not listen at all, did the exact opposite of what was asked. Kid’s fine at home and runs around (nearly a mile walk plus playground). There’s no village except mom friends who send kids to little league sports here. Wondering if I’ve failed as a parent. We do very little screen time. Kid is very strong-minded.

    1. Emma*

      2.5 is very young for organized activities like that! you haven’t failed as a parent. In my kiddo’s dance class around age 4 there were also some kids who followed directions, and some who basically were there just to twirl in the corner and run away from the teacher. it seems like they chill out more at 5 and 6.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        I agree it’s too young. Even at 5 or 6 they’re mostly looking at clouds and bugs in the grass.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Yeah, that is super young for such an organized activity! I think any medical explanation would boil down to “He’s two and a half.”

      3. ferrina*

        Soccer coach here (experience with many ages), and agree with all of this! Even 5 or 6 can be too young for some kids. It really just depends on the kid- some kids love high structure and instruction, and some don’t. Some kids love doing things with a lot of other kids nearby, and some prefer having time alone or just with their close friends/family (even kids can get sick of hanging out with kids).

        If the kid isn’t enjoying it, pull them out so they aren’t left with a bad memory. That way they can try it again later without negative associations. I had one kid that tried soccer in kindergarten and hated it. His parents let him take a couple years off, then tried again when he was 8 or 9. At that age it resonated more with him, and he enjoyed it and was excited to come back and keep doing it.

      4. Clisby*

        Yeah, my son did rec league soccer up through U15, but didn’t start until he was 5 (either 4 or 5 was the earliest they could start.)

    2. OaDC*

      That’s really young. I referred a 3 year old soccer game and although I have blocked out much of it but I wouldn’t say all the kids were listening all the time. I had the lasting impression that 3 was too young for soccer.

    3. CityMouse*

      I’m going to echo that 2 and a half is super young and expecting them to have any attention span isn’t realistic.

    4. Generic Name*

      I am very sorry, but I am laughing at the image I get of a row of toddlers and then one running around like crazy. That basically describes my son. I remember chaperoning him at the zoo in the first grade. I had 2 other kids in my group. I was used to my son arguing over literally every direction I gave him ever, so I was shocked when the other two kids just…..did what I asked. I’d say, “okay kids, let’s go over this way” and my son would shout “no!” and run in the other direction while the other kids went “ok” and walked with me. I even lost him for a few minutes because he was hiding from me. At the time I was exhausted and embarrassed, but I can laugh at it now. My son is now nearly 18 and I recently told him this story. He says he doesn’t remember ha ha!!

      For what it’s worth, my son was diagnosed with ADHD at age 7 and then as autistic at 14. Your son is too young to be evaluated for ADHD as a toddler, but you may decide to get him screened for autism. I wish I had gotten my son identified earlier because he had a very rough experience in elementary school, and I think it would have gone better if he had had the proper supports in place. As I mentioned in the parenting thread above, my son is a great teenager!

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Sounds a bit like a young relative of mine who just loved darting out into traffic as a little kid, causing his mom a lot of stress. Also ADHD and probably on the spectrum. He had a lot of conflict with his mom over control issues when he was younger, but he totally flourished in college and is having a great young adulthood (and has a good relationship with his mom!)

    6. Wiggly*

      My kid would not have been listening at 2.5, not in a million years. I’m actually honestly surprised most of the other kids were! We actually did have him evaluated at around 3.5 for attention stuff but by the time we got an appointment and all that, he had regained focus. He has always had phases. but every year is better than the last.

      My kid is now six and, while attention can still be an issue at times, especially when he is in a growth or development spurt or when he is tired, he’s also totally capable of focusing. In fact, he can focus sometimes even better than other kids his age…so the tables may turn!

      2.5 is SUCH a busy brain development time, I would not worry a stitch as of yet.

    7. Hyaline*

      Oh geez 2.5?! Yeah the only reason this is happening is because kiddo is little-little and this was the first time. Repeated exposure to these kinds of structured activities will probably help, but you shouldn’t feel like he needs to be doing any of those at this age.

    9. Love me, love my cat*

      At a children’s dance recital, the (younger than my kid) 2-to-3 year old class of dancers was adorable. The star of the show was a little girl who turned left when the other dancers turned right. She marched when they twirled, and twirled when they marched. But absolutely no one had a bigger smile.

    10. WS*

      Auntie experience here: some 2.5 year olds can sometimes listen and follow directions. Some kids can do this at home but not other places, some can’t do it at home but can when there’s novelty. Almost none of them can do it consistently. That’s completely fine and normal. If kid enjoyed it, keep going.

    11. allathian*

      Yeah No. Kids younger than about 4 don’t benefit from organized activities, free play is a lot more important. And if they’re in daycare, organized activities can wait until they’re in school.

    12. Hotdog not dog*

      Hubs coached soccer and baseball, from son’s age 4 through preteen. Every one of the younger teams, up until around age 7 or 8, had at least one kid who was picking dandelions, admiring clouds, or filling their pockets with infield sand. It’s normal, and most kids go through it as a phase.
      Some of my favorite memories include one child dancing instead of running to first base when he unexpectedly hit the ball, and another needing to be carried off the soccer field because she had lain down to watch clouds and fell asleep.
      These children are now young adults, reasonably athletic, and all doing just fine.

    13. Bike Walk Barb*

      You might ask yourself why it’s important that they “later love sports”. They’re going to love what they love. Encourage them to try things enough to get a real taste; don’t set up expectations and then express disappointment because they’re their own human being.

      You may think of sports as a metaphor for being able to stick with things. I remember a discussion on here a while back about the joys of trying different hobbies and moving on, which has its own rewards.

      My rule for my kids was that if they wanted to try something I 100% supported them, signed them up for the class, bought the gear. But they had to stick with it through whatever short time frame they were committing to, like a six-week summer soccer camp for one kid, a season of playing tennis for the other. Like tasting a new food, they may not enjoy it the first, second, or tenth time. But they weren’t required to love it for life and keep doing it after the first short trial and I didn’t consider it a failure on their part if they didn’t like it and weren’t good at it.

      The only organized activity they were in at 2.5 years was a play group, with a co-op preschool at around 4. I can’t imagine signing them up for any team *anything* at 2.5.

    14. HannahS*

      I wouldn’t worry about it. My daughter is 3 and we haven’t signed her up for anything yet. My cousin’s child who is the same age played soccer in the spring (when he was 2.5) and my grandmother’s opinion (shared with me privately) was that it was total waste of time. My other cousin’s child is 2 and in swimming lessons; the mom rolled her eyes and told me it was a waste of time

      Free play is fine, and IMO really all they need at this age. Bring a soccer ball to the park and let him run around with it if he wants. Obviously there’s nothing wrong with doing dance classes or soccer or whatever; I did ballet at 3 and it caused me no harm (…though my mom did say it was a waste of time,) but if it’s causing anyone in the family one bit of stress (i.e. if parent finds it stressful, or child isn’t enjoying it) then let it go.

      1. allathian*

        Baby swimming is a thing in my area, babies as young as 3 months can be enrolled, although there’s a minimum weight limit of 5 kilos/about 11 lbs. Lighter babies can’t maintain their body heat in 32C/90F water. We didn’t do it because it requires two adults in the water with the baby and I get an astma attack if I so much as walk downwind from an outdoor pool.

        With small babies, the mammalian diving reflex works in tepid water so they don’t drown. They won’t learn to swim and they won’t remember it when they’re old enough to learn, but most kids who did baby swimming learn to swim fairly young because they’re so comfortable in the water.

    15. londonedit*

      One of my friends is a primary school teacher, and I remember her telling a story about when she got her first teaching job after she qualified, in a small rural primary school. It was the sort of place with not very many children and therefore not very many teachers – in the UK primary teachers are usually generalists who stay with the same class and teach all the subjects, and so a couple of times a week my friend had to teach PE. Before one of her first PE lessons she was nervous about coming up with something for the kids to do, so she thought – football! Surely all children like football. That’s when she discovered that a class of four-year-olds might like the *idea* of football, but they have absolutely no clue what they’re meant to be doing. The lesson basically descended into a class of kids all chasing after the same ball. Absolute chaos. They had fun, but it wasn’t football!

      So what I’m saying is no, it’s not unusual if a toddler has no idea how to play football and no idea how to follow the instructions at an organised class.

  43. miel*

    What is the etiquette on tipping hotel housekeepers?

    I honestly did not realize it was a thing until my friend got a job at a hotel and mentioned tips!

    (I am in the US, but also happy to hear about other countries.)

    1. California Dreamin’*

      We leave a $5 bill for housekeeping on any day we are having them refresh the room (some days when we’re traveling, we put on the do not disturb tag and don’t have them clean.) I hope I’m still within the normal range for the amount… looking forward to hearing what others do. We sometimes leave the cash on the dresser or desk, or sometimes on the foot of the bed (like on top of the duvet), depending on what’s lying around in the room. The goal is to make it clear that this is the tip.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I make sure to put it in an envelope or folded in a paper marked “HOUSEKEEPING” so it’s clear.

    2. Sloanicota*

      It used to be a dollar a room a night, but I think there’s a general consensus that tipping anyone one dollar these days isn’t great, so now I do two dollars a room a night, which still isn’t exactly generous but is sometimes the best I can do. If I put up the “do not disturb” when I arrive and have zero room service, I will just do one tip on the last day. Otherwise, I will leave it out every day because I don’t know that it’s the same person every time.

    3. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Please tip for every cleaning, not once at the end! My daughter worked her way through college doing hotel housekeeping, and far too often she would clean a room every day, the person would check out on her day off and leave a big fat tip then, and the person who only cleaned once would get it all.
      She once had a bad team lead who would assign herself all the checkouts to get those bigger tips and leave the other housekeepers to get barely any tips. When that woman was the team lead, she would sometimes clean 6-8 hours and get no tips!
      The bigger the room you’re in, the bigger the tip should be. For example, if you’re in a suite style hotel and your housekeeper has to clean up the living room and kitchen for you, tip more than if you are in a single room with no kitchen.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          This too. Last time I started at a hotel, in July, the stay was 4 days long. The towels were changed over once, the room was straighted once, and I had to ask for the refill of the body wash. We did not have DND on at all times, and were not in the room most of the time during the day. This was a normal schedule, posted on a card in the room. It’s was an extended stay type by Hilton.
          I am not sure what to tip for.

    5. acmx*

      I am going against the people here and say I do not typically tip. Housekeeping is not a tipped wages position. I did not have a personal interaction with housekeeping.

      I tipped during covid (essential worker) and I will tip during a 4 day festival I attend but it is not a usual custom.

      I have also stayed in a hotel that had a sign tips weren’t expected (this was a one off Hampton Inn or similar; can’t recall city).

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Same. I keep my DND sign up my whole stay, it’s just me in the room, I don’t leave a mess when I pack out. Generally the only visible sign that I’ve been in a hotel room when I leave is that my used towels are in a folded pile on the toilet lid, the bed I slept in isn’t made, and the trash bag is tied up if I actually threw anything in it.

      2. Not A Manager*

        “Housekeeping is not a tipped wages position.” Housekeeping is a very low-wages position. If you’re fortunate enough to have discretionary income, what harm does it do to financially thank someone who is performing the somewhat intimate task of cleaning your sleeping space?

        And, sadly, in the U.S. tipping for housekeeping *is* becoming a usual custom, because guests recognize that the staff needs it.

        1. OaDC*

          This is where I land. And it’s meaningful to me that it’s a low wage profession that is overwhelmingly female. People never seem to have a problem tipping valets or doormen.

        2. acmx*

          I don’t consider cleaning a hotel room to be “somewhat intimate”. I am not throwing ragers in my hotel room, there typically isn’t a mess to clean.

          I did not have personal interaction with them. Who am I “rewarding”? The person who prepared my room may not be the person who cleans the room after I leave. Maybe the room isn’t up to standards.

          Why do you feel the housekeeper deserves a tip but the kid working at McDonald’s dealing with lunch hour rush does not?

          1. Sloanicota*

            … I do tip fast food workers now. Since the pandemic. Have not had one yet who seemed uncomfortable or unhappy about it. The way I think of it is, why am I willing to give $100 to charity but not a few bucks to someone who is trying to work? Presumably, funds are tight for such a person, and giving them a little more will help them avoid needing charity later, probably in a more cost-efficient way!

          2. Not A Manager*

            You’re entitled to feel that way. I feel differently. And I do tip at any restaurant that offers a tip option, whether it’s on the checkout pad or in a tip jar. Don’t you?

        3. California Dreamin’*

          This is where I am. As I’ve gotten older and more affluent (I realize this isn’t everyone’s situation, I’m talking about myself) I’ve come down on the side of this $5 means way more to the valet/housekeeper/boba-maker/car-wash-drying-guy than it does to me, and it’s a way for me to extend a little extra help to someone in a low-wage job.

      3. Roland*

        Honestly same. Got roasted last time I said this on AAM but per the stats I found online, most people in the US do not tip in hotels.

        There are lots of poorly-paid people in the US. I do not believe that this means I need to tip all of them.

        1. Courageous cat*

          Yeah, I’m inclined to agree – the tipping culture in the US is definitely getting out of hand in a lot of ways. Other developed, sane countries don’t do this. The pressure needs to be on the employers to pay their employees properly, not on us as the customer.

          I really ideally only want to tip servers who serve me and make under minimum wage – not the people who are like, simply handing me a croissant and *also* make way over minimum wage.

          1. woooo tipping culture?*

            I only tip for food and personal care (haircut, etc.) places. I’ve started tipping at a wider range of food places, partly because I hate choosing “no tip” on the screen prompt in front of the worker, partly because I acknowledge my order is sometimes a little complicated, and partly because the workers assure me that even when I tip through the screen (vs. putting money in the jar) they receive my tip. I tip about 10% for takeout and 20% for delivery, like pizza.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          I think the person who said that was referring to the tipped minimum wage – which generally only applies to restaurant waitstaff – who are allowed to be paid less than Federal minimum wage because it’s presumed the tips make up the difference. Except many employers don’t true things up if the employees don’t actually make it up in tips – which is illegal and part of the whole problem with the concept of tipped minimum wage.
          Hotel housekeeping is not generally permitted to be paid that way.

    6. Zelda*

      Leave a note with the tip. Especially if you are not checking out, it can be ambiguous whether the cash left sitting out is a tip, or just cash left sitting out, and good housekeepers live in terror of being falsely accused of theft. Put it in an envelope or wrap it in a piece of notepaper that says “For Housekeeping” and your initials or something.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Yeah, I usually leave a note with a smiley face and a “Thanks, Housekeeping!” so it’s super clear the money is for them.

    7. Maryn*

      I always tip when housekeeping does its service. If they come every other day, then I tip every other day. If I have my Do Not Disturb sign out, I don’t leave a tip.

      Average hotels, I do $5 per tip. High end hotels (or in the event I leave a major mess, which I don’t but I suppose is possible) I’d do $10.

      IMO, maids work as hard as valet parking and bellmen, who are routinely tipped.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Yeah, I’m a $5 or $10 person as well. And good point about maids working as hard as parkers or bellhops — they also have to touch our garbage, our used towels, etc. while they work.

    9. Tipping*

      I’d never heard of tipping housekeeping until I shared a double with my best friend and she tipped. I grew up tipping servers at sit down restaurants, taxi drivers, food delivery (like pizza or Chinese), and folks who came to install stuff. Most of the grocery pickup/delivery services here forbid tipping but I tip at those that allow it.

      I also tip based on the quality of service; if the service is dreadful I don’t tip, if it’s okay I give an okay tip, and if it’s above average I tip very well/above average.

    10. LLH*

      I’ve never tipped a hotel housekeeper and I can’t say I know anyone that does. I think that is probably not as common as this thread would lead you to think it is. Is it nice to do if you can afford it? Sure but when I’m paying well over $100 to sleep in that room for a night, I feel no compulsion to pay even more on top of what I’ve already paid.

      For what it’s worth, I also do not always tip at fast casual type places. I sometimes will tip a buck or two but definitely not 100% of the time and I’m never going to tip when for example I’m ordering a bottle of water at some sort of event that has tipping options. Football game, theater, etc. I always tip appropriately in a sit down restaurant. I think everyone has to do what works for them without being a total cheapskate.

    11. Bike Walk Barb*

      I’m in the US. I don’t know what Miss Manners would say, but I do tip. I put out the do not disturb sign the whole time I’m there, and many places aren’t doing daily housekeeping anyway. I usually leave $5 and put it on the pillow of the bed I slept in if there’s no envelope. Not sure where I picked up the envelope placement, probably from someone very early in my work travel experience. If I were someplace for a week I’d leave a tip on any day that I had them come in for a refresh as well as at the end.

      As others have said, that $5 matters a lot more to them than to me. I can’t singlehandedly turn their job into one with a living wage and benefits, but I can give them some cash for dealing with the fact that my body used that toilet and shower and those towels and sheets.

      As an aside not aimed at you, when people say “it’s this giant system I can’t change so I’m not going to do this one small thing” I always want to ask what they’re really doing to change the giant system. Are they writing letters to corporate hotel CEOs? Picketing? Supporting a local effort at unionizing for service workers? Refusing to stay in hotels they’ve learned don’t have good labor practices? Asking their state legislature or Congress to enact something that would help? Leaving a Yelp or Google review with comments about cleanliness and labor practices? I tend to think it’s none of the above and saying it’s the system is a nice comfy way of saying you see the problem without having to actually do anything to help someone harmed by the system.

      1. Bike Walk Barb*

        After writing this I searched on the topic and found an article from the American Hotel and Lodging Association. I’m going to stop leaving the tip on the bed since they advise against it (could get lost in bedmaking). They list several factors to consider in setting the level of the tip, same as you would for food service, like number of people and level of mess.

        Seems like this is a group to lobby for improved wages for housekeeping. And really, just advocating for increased minimum wage in your state and for elimination of the tip credit if that’s legal would be a big help. (The tip credit allows businesses to assume that tips will get their workers up to minimum wage so they don’t actually *pay* minimum wage. I expect the price of my food or stay or whatever to reflect the actual cost of services, which should include actually paying your staff for the work they do.)

  44. No Tribble At All*

    What are people’s recommendations for meal prep services? I’m looking for something where the meal is mostly or already made, and we have to do < 20 minutes of work. We used to do hellofresh, but the portions aren’t big enough for the price, and the guilt for individually wrapped cucumbers was killing me. Now that we have a baby, we don’t have time to cook.

    1. Un, Deux, Trois, Cat*

      Hungryroot! Not sure if this is allowed, but use special code TUB2E7V7 to get $50 off Hungryroot, a personalized grocery service that makes it easy to shop for, cook, and love healthy food.

      1. happy new year!*

        I also use hungryroot. The meat usually but not always comes precooked and the veg almost always comes prechopped. Max 45 minutes to cook a meal. I also like some of their snack options.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        Agreed re-batch cooking. I used to make an extra big dinner on Sunday, with Monday leftovers in mind. Tuesday was crockpot day with leftovers on Wednesday, etc.
        Do you have a crockpot? Look up “Crockpot dump recipes” on the internet. They are a game changer. For a couple of hours of work you can have a month of meals.
        Also, did you know you can freeze raw lasagna? Line the pan you want to use with foil, build your lasagna there, cover tightly and freeze. Then remove from pan, label and put back in the freezer until ready to use. And you don’t have to make huge lasagnas either. You can use loaf pans, etc

        1. Clisby*

          Same with meatballs – I make enough for us to have 2 meals and freeze half. (I had gotten so used to cooking for 4 people when my kids were at home and kept forgetting to cut back, so I trained myself to freeze half and eat half.)

    3. Emma*

      If you search for “caterer premade meals”, sometimes you can find local caterers who do weekly meals – they might offer the same 2-3 each day that you pick from, or a set menu. I found various options when I was looking to help an elderly family member. Good luck!!! those first few weeks/months are very intense.

      1. Emma*

        I’ve also heard people talk about Factor and CookUnity, for prepared stuff, but I haven’t tried myself!

    4. ronda*

      I used factor for a while and it was pretty good. these are just heat up and eat, no extra prep. there are many other companies also doing this, in case you want more variety. They are subscription services, so you need to log in and change the default meals they will send you or cancel for the week if you dont want them.
      You can also likely find a coupon for a free beginning week at factor if you try or know someone who is currently using. (just be sure to cancel if you decide you dont want future weeks)

      I didnt find it particularly cheap, but it was easy.

      It was nicer to use a local service and in case you are in the 2 cities where I used it….
      Farm to Fresh. Portland OR area
      Good Measure Meals. Atlanta GA area (this one is part of charity, which was nice)

    5. HannahS*

      Are there good options in the frozen section of your grocery store? I know a lot of American internet-friends who really love Trader Joe’s frozen food. I could imagine that a frozen lasagna and bagged salad kit are pretty quick and easy. One of my relatives lives off of jarred soups from the refrigerated section, scrambled eggs, and cut up raw veggies.

  45. SuprisinglyADHD*

    In the last few months, a lot of our aluminum cookware tarnished. First it was the big frying pan, then the small one, and now the baking sheets. We didn’t change our cooking style, stove/oven, or the dishwasher tabs, and we don’t know how to restore them without permanently ruining the finish (or whether it’s even possible).
    Has this happened to anyone, and if so, were you able to figure out why or undo the damage?

    1. Unkempt Flatware*

      That is very strange and makes me worry about the water supply. Are you on well, municipal, or cistern water? Can you have it tested?

    2. Silent E*

      I’m wondering if the discoloration is from putting them in the dishwasher. There are probably ways to remove that discoloration, at least partially. You could try a spot treatment on someplace not too visible (the bottom of a pot, for example. A quick internet search suggests things like lemon juice, cream of tartar, or vinegar (again, try on a small, inconspicuous spot first).

      1. Reba*

        Yep, aluminum gets tarnished in the dishwasher. It may still be just fine to use, or it may have damaged the surface — they can get kind of chalky, a scotch brite scrub could help.

    3. Maryn*

      First step is to restore the original finish. When we had RevereWare, we used Cameo Aluminum and Stainless Steel Cleaner (a powder you sprinkle on the wet pan or sponge) to remove the tarnish. (And their copper cleaner on the bottoms.) You should find it at the local grocery store or online. (I see it at Amazon.)

      Most aluminum cookware specifically states it’s not dishwasher safe, because the high temperatures paired with detergents and naturally occurring minerals in the water can darken it. It may be a cumulative effect you’re seeing, but that’s something to stop doing completely. (That aluminum cleaner is better than any dishwasher at removing baked on, burnt stuff, too. Slides off, very little scrubbing.)

      I hope you’re able to restore it and keep it looking great.

    4. All Monkeys are French*

      Aluminum will discolor in the dishwasher. I’ve never tried to restore them, I just learned to hand wash aluminum cookware or decided not to care. It shouldn’t affect performance.

    5. allathian*

      Aluminum will tarnish in the dishwasher. There are lots of how-to videos on YouTube on how to remove the tarnish.

    6. Ron McDon*

      I’m sure I’ve seen a video (TikTok or Facebook) which suggested putting aluminium foil in the dishwasher to remove tarnishing on stainless steel.

      Our cutlery has begun tarnishing recently, and I keep meaning to give it a try…

  46. Bad cookies*

    Please talk me into throwing out a batch of cookies that I baked. They don’t taste good and I don’t enjoy eating them. I don’t think anyone else will like them any better, ie I don’t want to inflict them on my friends. And yet … here is this nearly full batch of my precious home-made cookies that I can’t bring myself to toss. (In general I find it difficult to throw out food.)

    If I were being sensible I would dump them and, in a day or two when I’ve gotten over that, make a different cookie recipe. So please give me some talking points to overcome my resistance to throwing them out.

    1. Generic Name*

      Leave them out until they are either rock hard or moldy. THEN you can throw them away guilt free. ;)

      (I also have a hard time throwing away food. Generational trauma from the Great Depression, I think)

    2. anon24*

      Do you want to consume calories that you don’t enjoy or aren’t good for your body? If I’m consuming calories they either have to be nutritionally good for me (because I will NEVER enjoy vegetables) OR taste delicious and give me emotional joy.

      These cookies are doing neither. Ditch them and make yourself ones that will give you joy!

      1. Zelda*

        If you have a garden, then the very last stop on the repurposing train is the compost pile. I am an adventurous cook, but not a terribly organized human being, so my life includes a certin amount of ‘I forgot this in the back of the fridge and it died’ and ‘this was a failed experiment and now no one wants the leftovers.’ The compost pile is the magic wand I can wave at what would otherwise be food waste to literally turn it into a pumpkin.

        1. GoryDetails*

          “The compost pile is the magic wand I can wave at what would otherwise be food waste to literally turn it into a pumpkin.”

          This! My compost heap makes me feel so much better about the burnt or over-ripe or forgotten or even just “I don’t want to eat any more of that” foods.

          1. Bike Walk Barb*

            Absolutely. I sometimes intone majestically, “It’s the great circle of life, Simba” as I put something in the compost bucket, or “From dust you came, to dust you shall return.” I feel more virtuous than wasteful knowing it will go into the garden.

    4. Silent E*

      Try considering this batch of failed cookies as an investment in a learning experience to improve the recipe (or your skill) for next time. Also, life is too short to eat yucky food if you can afford to eat more delicious food.
      Also, can you compost them instead of throwing them out? Then they’ll not go completely to waste. If not, can they be salvaged by using them in a different recipe – like crushed up as a pie crust instead of, say, a graham cracker crust? Crush them up and add some spices, some butter to hold them together, etc?

    5. Hyaline*

      Do you have a local squirrel that would enjoy them? Raccoons, perhaps? An opossum? Joking, mostly, but I assuage a lot of food-related guilt with the fact that my chickens eat anything and get all my castoffs!

      One thing that helps me–it’s not wasted, you learned that this recipe is Not Good. Bonus points if you can assess why so you can avoid similar missteps in future–like “nope, turns out mashed squash is not a good substitute for butter.”

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      I tried a new recipe, and the cookies were bad. Super dry. I asked my spouse if he wanted to take them to work (my initial plan for much of the batch; I work from home and it’s now just two of us) and he said no. He was not okay inflicting these on his office. And I was not okay mailing them to my kids in graduate school, who love receiving homemade Mom cookies, because: dry and unpleasant to eat. At which point I had to admit that sometimes you just have a fail, and forcing down bad cookies is not the way to go. We were both unwilling to give these cookies to other people as a gesture of our warm feelings toward them.

      Pretend your cat flew across the kitchen and landed in the batter. You’d dump it. This is no different, food waste wise.

    7. Dark Macadamia*

      Your body is not a garbage disposal and your counter/cookie jar/wherever is not long term storage

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Indeed — OP, you are NOT a garbage can where cooking mistakes or extra food get thrown out.

      2. Observer*

        Your body is not a garbage disposal

        This x 1,000

        My father grew up in REALLY food constrained conditions (and the was the good times. He nearly starved to death due to lack of food at one points…) And yet, this was a constant theme of his. He used different words, but he *never* allowed anyone to push food on us because “it’s a shame to waste food.”

        Release the guilt. Getting rid of inedible food is not “spoiled” and it is not a function of “privilege”.

    8. Sitting Pretty*

      Yeah sometimes I have to remind myself that I’m not a garbage disposal. I’m not here to just be a dumping ground for crap no one really wants. If it’s not nourishing or enjoyable, why would I put it into my body?

      I mean sure, sometimes I’ll eat the dish I made that didn’t turn out great because I know it’s full of good, nutritious ingredients and will fuel me well even if the seasoning or texture is off. But if the blah thing I made is supposedly a “treat”? Life is too short! Into the garbage with it!

      1. Still*

        +1 to the commenters above saying your body is not a trash can! Unless it’s delicious or nutritious, it has no business being eaten by you. Chuck them right now and come give us an update!

    9. Annie Edison*

      I also struggle to throw out food!

      I try to tell myself that I’ve already used up the ingredients and it doesn’t actually make a difference whether they now go into my stomach or the trash, that life is too short to waste time eating crappy cookies that don’t bring me joy, and that if I throw these ones away, I can make something new that I will actually enjoy instead of feeling guilty and suffering through eating these ones.

    10. Chauncy Gardener*

      I usually think about how things like that just aren’t worth the calories.
      Maybe just start a new batch?

    11. Peanut Hamper*

      I guess you don’t have teenage boys? Back in the mine mine would scarf down things, even as they protested it wasn’t that good. But hunger > taste buds at that age.

      As for practical advice, if you keep them, are they going to become any more tempting? I doubt out. It’s fine to throw them out. It hurts, but learning to cook (especially baking) always involves some waste. You can’t always get it right the first time.

      1. Clisby*

        My father used to take duds to work to leave in the general breakroom for the paper mill where he was plant engineer. Somebody *always* ate it. Even the weird Claxton fruitcakes we seemed to get as gifts every Christmas. None of us would touch them, but the mill guys would.

    12. Courageous cat*

      Read about the sunk cost fallacy. What is even remotely the point of keeping something that you don’t want to eat?

    13. Harlowe*

      Since you feel guilty throwing out food, you presumably care about waste and about treating your belongings with care. Doe that not include your person? Because if you force yourself to eat food you hate, you are treating your body like a garbage can.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Geneen Roth made this point in one of her early books: leftover or bad food isn’t transformed if you force yourself to eat it.

        1. Peanut Hamper*

          Seriously. As so many others have posted here, the thing that magically transforms bad food is a compost pile. And I am not a pile.

    14. Bike Walk Barb*

      I fully support you in throwing these into compost or the trash if you don’t compost. If I’d done this and I thought I could salvage them by coating them in melted chocolate chips I’d probably give that a try, except then I’ve possibly wasted more ingredients when I should just have eaten the chocolate chips with a spoonful of peanut butter.

    15. mustachioed*

      I was in this exact situation: the recipe worked fine but residual odors on the baking sheet made the whole batch taste like old roasting oil plus soap. Yum! I suffered through three and then let them dry out on the counter for several days and finally threw them out. It’s ok. Your body doesn’t need them, and the food waste is a drop in the bucket. If you can compost them or put them in a green bin that’s better, but if not, just chuck them!

    16. Bad cookies*

      Here’s an instant update: I brought the cookies to a gathering today and put them out on the dessert table. Most were eaten, and someone was happy to take home the remainder. So, I didn’t have to be the cookie garbage-disposal unit, and I didn’t have to throw them out, and now I can try another cookie recipe. This is such a good outcome!

  47. Anon Poster*

    Do people who drink drip or French press coffee have a favorite coffee brand? I’m not looking for anything fancy, I’m just tired of my normal coffee (a store brand at my grocery store) and looking to change it up. I perused the coffee aisle this morning and was overwhelmed by all the choices, so if you have drink a ground coffee you love, please share!

    4. HamlindigoBlue*

      We usually buy the Kirkland brand from Costco, but in between those visits I’ll usually grab a bag of Dunkin (original or Colombian).

    5. Chaordic One*

      My favorite coffee brand is Peet’s and I especially like their House Blend. Major Dickason’s Blend is very good, too. That said, Starbucks House Blend and Pike Place Roast are also good and what I usually end up buying because Starbucks is usually a bit cheaper than Peet’s at my local grocery stores.

    6. Blue Cactus*

      I get Keats & Co delivered. They’re a company that (like Newman’s Own) donates all their profits to charity – specifically to tuberculosis care. They’re a bit pricier, but the coffee is very good and I like that my money is making the world a better place!

      1. Double A*

        I also have a coffee subscription like this, I subscribe to the Awesome Coffee Club and they donate their profits to child and maternal health in Sierra Leone. It’s founded by Hank & John Green who I trust to be ethical in their sourcing and philanthropy. The coffee is not the cheapest you can buy but trusting the source and where profits go is worth it to me

        Coincidentally John Green is writing about TB right now so I bet he’d be into your coffee brand as well!

        1. Blue Cactus*

          It’s actually the same company! Awesome Coffee changed its name this past month and combined itself with the tea they’ve been working on. Still the same great coffee, but the proceeds are going to TB now since the other sources of funding for the Maternal Center of Excellence are doing so well.

    7. coffee-kat*

      I drink Ruta Maya medium roast. It comes in larger bags than most types of coffee so I don’t have to buy more coffee that often either. That might be specific to a certain area so I guess my second recommendation is Community Coffee? I probably bought the medium roast of that as well, but who knows… I only quit buying it because we started grinding our own coffee beans and Community Coffee seems to just come pre-ground at least where I live.

  48. Overstuffed comfy chair*

    PSA: Please don’t give a live plant as a gift unless you know the recipient wants it. We’ve asked most friends to not bring a gift if they come to dinner or stay over. But we do keep getting the occasional plant. I don’t want a plant. Especially one I have to keep alive. I want fewer things to keep alive in retirement & travel. That is all.

    1. Just a name*

      I always say a plant is not a gift, it’s a chore. Fortunately my husband tries to keep plants alive.

    2. Chauncy Gardener*

      Seconding this!
      I am a big gardener, but that doesn’t mean I want houseplants. I hate houseplants!! (caring for them, anyway)

        1. Time for Tea*

          Same here, my gardens are full of flowers and wildlife, carefully curated to be a low maintenance joyful place. All of my indoor floral decoration is fake because I cannot guarantee my health will allow for regular scheduled looking after and I don’t like indoor bugs!

    3. Harlowe*

      Toxicity is also a factor. Nothing makes a funeral more fun than receiving half a dozen peace lilies that are poisonous to your cat.

        1. dontbeadork*

          Oddly, the gardening sites and my vet disagree with you. So does the ASPCA. I’ll keep my peace lilies in the room where my cats cannot get to them, thanks.

          2. The OG Sleepless*

            My mistake…I was half right. Peace lilies are not true lilies but they have a different kind of toxicity. The sarcasm wasn’t necessary, though.

            1. dontbeadork*

              I’m sorry that came off as sarcastic. I hadn’t meant it to read that way, but re-reading I can see how it could be interpreted as such.

    4. Yes, no houseplants*

      I agree completely. If I invited you to stay with me, the best hostess gift would be you being a considerate house-guest. I don’t want anything that I am supposed to care for or consume or apply to my body or find room for, which is pretty much everything. But it’s hard to convey that without sounding like a total curmudgeon, which I guess I am but I don’t want to make it my brand.

    6. Texan In Exile*

      My husband’s mother, after being in our house and seeing not one damn houseplant because I hate houseplants, gave us a potted Meyer lemon tree that needed 80 degrees and 8 hours of sun.

      We live in Wisconsin. In a house that’s almost 100 years old and leaks heat. We barely keep our thermostat at 65, much less 80. And there is no one place in our house that gets sun 8 hours a day, so I would have had to be moving that damn plant all day long.

      And yet, it still took years to die, even in the cold and dark.

      I hated that damn plant and I am convinced she did it on purpose.

    7. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Seriously! I am Squirrel Nutkin, killer of plants. When you give me a plant, my first duty is now to rehome it so that it will have a chance to live and thrive. I mean, at least you didn’t give me a puppy, but still . . . .

    8. Bereavement Bear*

      Agreed! I think I’ve already told this story here, but my well-meaning cousin sent me a complicated arrangement of multiple live plants because she wanted to do something nice for me on my birthday after my mother died recently. When she asked for my address I was really happy because I thought I might get a mailed birthday card this year when usually only my mom would mail me one (my husband gets me one, but since we live together I don’t get it in the mail). But nope, a huge heavy pot of obligations that I would have to research extensively in the copious free time I do not have while dealing with my mom’s estate, instead of a nice card. Luckily I found a co-worker to pass the plants off to… I noticed that her coffee cup said “gardening is my therapy” and went from there, she was really happy to receive them and let me know her plans for the ones that needed shade, ones that needed sun, etc.

      The $5 card would have been treasured for at least a year. The I’m-sure-more-than-$50 plant conglomeration added to my stress at a very stressful time.

  49. Does a burglar alarm attract burglars?*

    So I’m buying a detached house and living alone for the first time. I’ve always lived in apartment blocks or terraced houses so neighbours are close by and you can usually hear them through the walls. Very excited to be living in detached house and not hear neighour noise but also bit worried safety wise being single female living alone. I’ve checked crime stats and it’s a pretty good neighbourhood but not Mayberry. I’m getting a burglar alarm installed – more so I can sleep through the night without freaking out every time I hear a floorboard creak than concerns about daytime burglary. But a friend just told me she though it would attract burglars because “they’ll think you wouldn’t have one unless you have something worth stealing”. That didn’t even cross my mind. I’m thinking it’s the reverse – they won’t bother because there’s an alarm and it’s too much hassle. Anyone had similar concerns when putting in an alarm? Also – any recommendations. I’m in the UK so looking at either Verisure or Simplisure. Thanks

    1. UKDancer*

      I’m in the UK and I’ve always had an alarm when I was in a house and when I was in a flat. I’ve always viewed it as a deterrent but then I’ve never really had anything anyone would want to steal (I mean the last tradesman I had laughed at my small old television because I’m not someone who likes a big screen expensive TV). No idea which make my alarm is, it was there when I bought the house. I don’t switch it on at night as I often come down for a cup of tea and would probably forget. I do use it when I leave the house.

    2. Chauncy Gardener*

      I really disagree with your friend. I’m in the US and feel like it’s more of a deterrent than a magnet.

      1. Does a burglar alarm attract burglars?*

        Thanks. My initial thought when she said it was don’t be daft that doesn’t make sense. But I’m in sensory overload from looking at paint and flooring samples so I started second guessing my decision.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Hanging solid gold drapes or leaving your jewelry on the lawn is a signal to burglars. Having an alarm is not unless it yells REALLY VALUABLE LOOT INSIDE when it goes off!

    3. Ellis Bell*

      I remember speaking to a retired burglar once (it was for an article when I was a journalist), and the only things that attracted his attention were signs that people were away. So having the exact same light on and not changing it all week etc. I definitely asked him about whether he cared about alarms (he did), and properties that probably had nicer, wealthy belongings (nice things come with nice security apparently and he only wanted a quick buck). Things that didn’t deter him were cameras and vandal grease or glass. Hoods, masks and a thick blanket are all you need to get around those things. Strong locks and good, rock-style doors were decent deterrents. The things that bothered him were people, visibility (like do you have entry points that aren’t visible to passers by? Burglars like those if they’re also weak) and being disturbed. Get to know your neighbours, put up neighbourhood watch signs and encourage a culture of being a busybody (burglars like to call or knock first to try out whether a property is actually empty – so let anyone with a dumb story discreetly know the neighbours are super nosy and close. “Oh I haven’t seen you before, I thought I knew all Julie’s friends”. The one time I got burgled myself it was the neighbour next door who knew my schedule and could watch me leave. He was a dumb kid, so I almost wish I’d caught him. In over a decade of seeing burglars in the criminal courts, they were usually dumb kids, slightly built so as to slip in and out of windows. Never master criminals and usually too lazy to take on a decent security system. When I was burgled myself I initially assumed it was a huge guy for some reason, and that he’d be back…

      2. Dancing Otter*

        When we lived in a neighborhood of duplexes (duplices? No, that can’t be right), a vigilant neighbor called the police when she saw a couple of teenagers climbing on a porch roof to get in an upstairs window. (One of the boys was BIPOC, though I can’t say for certain she was being racist. Fortunately, the responding officer was sensible, and nobody was hurt.)
        It turned out the son of the family had forgotten his key.

        1. Ellis Bell*

          I think we are so lucky that police are not armed here. We did have armed police in my street one time for a huge bust, but you wouldn’t see weapons on a routine call out for kids breaking in.

    4. Courageous cat*

      I have never heard that logic, lol. That’s absurd to me. I have Simplisafe and I love it. Not sure if it’s similar to Simplisure.

    5. Not A Manager*

      Most break-ins are crimes of opportunity. They check the front door to see if it’s unlocked, they try the side gate, check under the mat for a key. Anything that makes it harder to enter is a deterrent. And alarms are common enough that it’s not like you’re advertising that you have the Crown Jewels in there. You have the same stuff everyone else has, and that no one wants stolen.

    6. Jill Swinburne*

      How will they know you have an alarm? Ours is really discreet – nothing on the outside, just little units in the corners of the room. You don’t need massive signage advertising your security system. (If you have pets, or are thinking of getting them in the future, I strongly recommend pet-friendly sensors.)

      I’m in New Zealand in an area with a little bit of petty crime, so an alarm is common sense, but all the burglaries here have been opportunistic. We have not been burgled in the 10 years we’ve been here.

      One thing I suggest is having more than one lock on the door – this is what my aunty did in the UK when she had a run of break-ins. Too much trouble for a burglar to get in. She put three locks on the door and had an alarm downstairs.

    7. Mephyle*

      Maybe it was true a generation or two ago when burglar alarms were not such common things – back then it may have indeed have signaled that there was something to protect. But home security measures have been a common thing for quite some time now.

    8. Morning Reader*

      I’ve never heard this, but I think the problem can be avoided by simply not posting a sign that the house is alarmed.
      What I have heard is that houses with a sign indicating the occupant is armed are burgled more often. The gun is supposed to be a deterrent but guns are frequently stolen, and advertising that there is a gun within gives thieves incentive. This is probably not an issue in the UK.
      Consider other elements. Lighting, deadbolt locks, no shrubbery where a person could hide right by your door or window. No breakable glass near a door handle where someone could reach through and unlock.
      Look at other houses in your neighborhood. Do any of them have a sign “protected by x system” or other obvious signs of an alarm system? I suggest matching what is usual in your neighborhood.

      1. UKDancer*

        Yeah in the UK you’re definitely not likely to post a sign that you’re armed because that would be very unusual. Very few people would have a shotgun (farmers and hunters mainly), nobody would legally have a handgun in their house (obviously some people may do illegally). So the first people likely to show up if you did are the police wanting to check your shotgun licence.

        I mean I have one colleague who lives in the countryside and has a shotgun licence (for pheasants and grouse) and he keeps it locked up and away. I don’t know anyone else who has a working gun at home (one uncle with a pair of deactivated 18th century dueling pistols on the wall for decoration).

    9. Bibliovore*

      Not what you asked but having an alarm didn’t make me feel any safer
      and I tripped it off more times than I could count.
      Single living in a freestanding house. The dog.
      I have cameras so I can see what she is barking at or if a stranger is at my door. She has different barks for people she likes/loves and for strangers. Of course when a stranger is invited in she is a puddle of love.

    10. Observer*

      But a friend just told me she though it would attract burglars because “they’ll think you wouldn’t have one unless you have something worth stealing”.

      Nope. Burglars know better than that. There are a lot of reasons people put in alarms, and it’s not worth their time, effort and risk to try just based on that.

      Do add visible cameras, though. That tends to be a deterrent as well.

  50. csp*

    A while ago, there was a thread here about podcast apps and a bunch of people recommended one that was good for organizing podcasts, including Patreon subscriptions. Any one know what that could be?

    1. Sparrow*

      I use PocketCast and really like it. For my Patreon subscriptions podcast, I paste the special RSS feed link into the search bar on the “discover” page and it will add to my podcast selections

  51. Harlowe*

    Has anyone tried home eyebrow lamination? How did it go?

    I’m not looking to be an Instagram baddie, but I’ve reached the part of middle age where my brows are stubbornly wild and wiry, and a brow gel is no longer strong enough to keep them tamed. I’m hoping one of these perming treatments can smooth them out, as long as I shape them “normally” rather than brushing them up in a trendy way.

    1. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      Yes! I have, using an eyelash perm kit from Amazon and watching a tutorial video on YouTube. I’d say, after doing this very sporadically over 2-3 years, that it’s about 75% effective. The super wiry hairs or white hairs don’t fully lay down with the at home lamination. If a few do, they go back to their original ways within maybe a few days. However, I do think it helps make the wiry ones at least softer, so that if you want to use gel for a little help.

  52. Rosie*

    Had some questions about leaving Google reviews.

    Do you guys leave Google reviews under your real names, or do you make an account with a fake name? Is there a way to create an account where the name just displays as “private” or something similar in the reviews?

    I want to leave some reviews for local businesses (all good) and some doctors I’ve been to (a mix of good experiences and bad experiences). But I don’t want my real name on any reviews, regardless of if they’re positive or negative.

    I guess I’m a very private person. I always used a fake name on the internet in forums and chatrooms and the like. I’ve never been into using social media. I don’t like having information about myself online, and don’t want people seeing reviews I’ve written and knowing that I’ve gone to a specific doctor for a specific problem.

    I’ve seen people leave negative reviews, and then seen doctors respond with claims they have no records of that patient so the review “must be meant for someone else.” I just assumed the reviewer was using a fake name for privacy. Do you guys think reviews under fake names are less believable? I usually pay attention to reviews where the details are specific and laid out in a factual manner (instead of just vague glowing praise or angry insults).

    1. Zelda*

      I am another extremely private person who tries to keep my real name off the net. However, I’ve also built a certain amount of a nom-de-internet: just one or two usual “surnames” with the same first name, Zelda. It gives some continuity and, I hope, reliability, without linking to my IRL life (again, I hope).

      For review sites specifically, I haven’t tried this, but I think it’s worth a go: Establish the nym you would like to use and leave several (honest and reasoned, naturally) reviews for goods and services where the business doesn’t know your name. Then on a review for something like a doctor or a hotel where they *do* have a searchable list of *all* of their customers, go ahead and acknowledge within the review that it’s a pseudonym.

      I am in a service occupation myself, and there are a bunch of Google reviews of us from profiles with just initials, or reeeeally obvious pseudonyms. Some I can identify who the client was from the content, and some I can’t.

    3. AnonymousReviews*

      I used to write reviews for a review site that allowed you to pick a nom de plume. I will not write them under my real name so I don’t write them these days because all of the major sites require use of a real, verifiable name. People do retaliate or get weird, and I know folks who didn’t get jobs they interviewed for because the interviewer found review-triggered drama in online searches.

      1. Rosie*

        My mom didn’t want me to leave a review for the local eye doctor I had a bad experience with (I posted about them here–I go to a large retailer location now and it’s a much better experience) because she thought they might retaliate against her. But it was two years ago at this point. Not sure if they’ll figure out I’m the reviewer even if I write it under a fake name since my review is going to include specific details. But if she’s afraid of the doctor retaliating because a family member leaves a negative review, maybe she needs to find a new doctor?

        How did the interviewers find review-triggered drama in online searches? Do Google reviews turn up in searches, or did the drama move to other websites somehow? I hadn’t heard of that happening before!

    4. Ellis Bell*

      I just use first name and first initial; I live in a big city and have a very common first name so this is plenty of anonymity for me.

  53. Llellayena*

    Does anyone know how to get a car insurance quote without needing to provide your email address? I don’t care about giving them all the info they need for the quote but I’m trying to avoid the mountains of spam. Even the websites that say they deliberately don’t sell your info for spam state that it’s for spam CALLS with no mention of email. I want to put my info in, hit the “give me my quote” button and get a screen with the quote on it. I don’t want to hit the “give me my quote” button and get asked for my email so my quote can be sent to me.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Options I have used:
      *Throwaway email
      *Alias for my own email (I use iCloud’s hide my email service, I think Gmail has options where you can add +something to your address?) that I turn off when I’m done
      *An independent insurance agent – this is my preference now; she does all the quote getting from like 12-15 companies, and just gives me the best (one or three or however many I want to compare) options and sets it up when I pick one.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        (I do not get charged for anything by the agent. I assume she gets paid a commission or something by the insurance companies?)

    2. Educator*

      I have a throwaway email specifically for this kind of thing–a free Gmail account that I can use for all the spammy stuff, and only check when I know something I want is being sent there.

    3. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      This is a good time for another email address. If you google phrases like ‘throw away email addresses’ ‘disposable email addresses’ etc, you could set up an alternative email address just for insurance quotes. Some delete themselves if you don’t check them in a certain time period. The free ones have ads. Pretty handy to have one that you use for all promotional mail from stores etc; I set up one to just receive emails from Disney, once upon a time! Lots of people use different email addresses for different purposes, and they are useful for entering competitions because you certainly will get junk emails then.

      1. Llellayena*

        I do have an email I use for things that might generate spam. I’m trying to even avoid using that. I’ve used it for that long enough that there’s a bunch of legit stuff that goes there now and I’m sick of each new round of unsubscribing from a zillion lists that I didn’t add myself to (how many newsletters does CNN have!?!?!?).

    4. Decidedly Me*

      I put a fake one (lots of nonsense – not something that is likely to be someone’s actual email) so I can view it. If I want to go with them, I’ll go back through with my real info.

  54. Mad Scientist*

    Thank you to everyone who recently gave me advice about selling at flea markets and yard sales on an open thread a few weeks ago! The flea market was today and it was a huge success.

  55. Really Named Jane*

    I posted a month ago about my friend Patti: https://www.askamanager.org/2024/08/weekend-open-thread-august-10-11-2024.html#comment-4819259.

    Not long after I posted, I texted her and said that while I care about her as a person, I can’t be there for her right now the way she seems to need.

    And that’s it–no contact from either side since then. I do care about her, but I need to prioritize my own mental health. Thank you to everyone who responded and helped me see that I’m not a bad person.

    2. AGD*

      This is brutal, but it’ll be much better for you and not cause her any new problems, so on average that’s a big plus.

      1. AGD*

        Sorry, I mean brutal insofar as it’s a really difficult thing to do. I absolutely think you did the right thing!

  56. Bookworm in Stitches*

    Big landmark wedding anniversary coming up at the end of this month. Because of work, we can’t do a huge trip right now. Suggestions for a 3 day weekend getaway? We live in Delaware, not far from both Maryland and Pennsylvania state lines.

    1. anon24*

      Not sure what you’re into, but if you like outdoorsy/cute small town stuff end of September would be a beautiful time to visit either Harper’s Ferry, WV or Jim Thorpe, PA.

    2. Llellayena*

      Cape May, NJ
      Washington DC
      PA renaissance faire and surrounding Lancaster area
      My family would find factory tours, a couple local ones would be Harley Davidson and Martin Guitar (if they’re still running tours post Covid)
      Check the fares for whatever direct flights are available on your preferred airline, pick the cheapest one that sounds interesting.
      There might be a short cruise out of Baltimore available.

    4. Delmarva*

      Annapolis, Alexandria, Pennsylvania Dutch Country, Hershey, Solomon’s Island, local wineries, Assateague, DC, Philadelphia, Kent Island, Bethany – have fun!

  57. HS science teacher*

    I know nothing!!! Help with jeans/pants and shoe advice.

    I am a 37 year old cis female science teacher who is terrible at fashion things. I teach mostly high school seniors and want to look reasonably cool and fashionable while also being comfortable. I need 2-3 new pairs of pants for this year including more jeans and – What jeans do I buy?! Other pants? Is it high waisted now? No more skinny jeans? Does color matter? Give me specific search terms! Same thing for shoes. What are a couple options to wear when I’m standing on my feet all day and also go outside a lot that are comfortable but also I won’t look too out of touch? Maybe some lil low boot kind of things?

    More details: My school doesn’t really have a dress code but I don’t think I should do anything that’s distressed; no holes. My normal style is like, athletic/outdoorsy wear. Lots of Patagonia and Athleta, some Gap, LL Bean, etc. I’m 5’6” and usually wear size 6-8. I live in the Midwest, so most of the school year it’s cold and maybe snowy.

    THANK YOU!!!!

    1. allathian*

      The kids won’t care. Embrace your adulthood and your uncoolness and they’ll respect you more. You’re old enough to be their parent and it’s okay to look like it. If you try to look like them you’ll only look foolish in their eyes.

      Is there anyone you know whose style you particularly admire? Can you ask them for some ideas you could use without copying their style exactly,?

      1. stripy teapot*

        100% seconding this. My kid just finished high school, and the teachers who got respect or rapport with the kids had nothing to do with fashion.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          My kids had strong positive feelings about the science teacher who proudly wore the moose poop earrings a friend had given her.

          1. Generic Name*

            This made me recall my 9th grade biology teacher who always wore mule-style shoes or clogs, regardless of season. We all speculated it was because she had some rare foot condition that meant her heels must always be free or something, but in reality, it was the 90s and she probably found them comfortable and convenient. lol

    2. Ellis Bell*

      Always wear the stuff that actually suits you, and ignore the trends. Kids simply wear what everyone else is wearing, i.e. stuff that doesn’t suit them because they haven’t found their sweet spot yet. So, I have hips so anything low waisted that cuts into my hip is always a non starter that gives me a horrible shape and is uncomfortable. I think if you’re active, as teachers often are, you run the chance of low waisted stuff slipping and giving you builder’s bum. So, I would go high waisted unless you have positive experiences of hipster shapes. As for leg shape, a skinny can be worn with any kind of boots (as long as you find skinny styles comfortable), or go for a bootcut (but be aware you might need them hemmed if you’re a short leg). Short, flat Chelsea boots are easy to pair with jeans, but you might want more snow-style boots or better all weather soles. Personally, for cold weather break duties I don’t think you can beat warm footless tights, paired with a woolen tunic or jumper dress. Feels exactly the same as leggings and a sweater, but looks sharp. Especially good quality tights like Falke. The footless element stops them shifting downwards and giving you crotch knees, and you can pair them with thick winter socks, especially if you have highish ankle or calf boots that hide the socks. We like biker boots for this at my school. Though if you can get away with Uggs at your school, sheepskin is so much warmer if you go sockless and apparently they are cool again.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        Oh and if you have a basic black tube skirt you can do the footless tights/leggings thing with shorter tops that you already own. The reason I’m so attached to them is you can wear any style of boots with leggings/tights and teachers very often need very comfortable shoes and to “dress feet first”.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I agree — wear things that suit you and that feel comfortable for you, OP.

        I finally figured out a few shapes/cuts of things that I like and feel good, and I just get those things regardless of what’s “in.”

        That said, I have worn a wide variety of clothing when I teach, from super sloppy to fairly formal, and as far as I can tell, it hasn’t made much difference to the kids.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      For shoes, Behr and Merrell have good quality “shoes for the practical outdoors and standing a lot.” They would probably have a low boot and a walking shoe that would blend reasonably with outdoorsy. (My Behr rain boots are just beyond compare for light and flexible and comfortable to wear.)

    4. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Since you mention Athleta, I love their Endless pants for work. They look like regular business casual (leaning more business) pants but are so much more comfortable. Pull on, with zippered pockets (you can’t tell there is a zipper), nice weight for fall/winter/spring, stretchy but don’t lose their shape. They do run a size large I think; I’m a 6-8 but got a 4 in these.

    6. RagingADHD*

      Best value I’ve spent on clothes in a very, very long time was getting a few boxes from Stitch Fix. They pick out all the pieces based on what you like, and show you different styling options.

      Not everything works, but it’s easy, and I always get compliments on those outfits.

    7. Angstrom*

      For any shoes, consider aftermarket insoles with better support and/or cushioning. They can make a huge difference.

    8. Generic Name*

      I wouldn’t bother trying to “look cool” to a bunch of teenagers. As far as jeans go, yes skinny jeans are no longer the height of fashion, but if you still love them, they can be found in stores still. Wide leg jeans seem to be the most fashionable, but there are straight and tapered styles out there. So wear what you feel best in. I like the slimmer cuts (but not skinny) because I’m short and wide around the middle (hello middle age!) and the wide legs make me look really boxy, but you might love the look on yourself. I’ve also noticed that a shorter length, around the ankle is more in style versus the nearly floor grazing length that was popular in the 90s and early aughts.

      For shoes, I see a lot of Chelsea style boots, and like the poster above, I think they look great will all sorts of Jean styles. You can really lean into your athletic vibe and wear shoes like Merrill’s or basically any leather shoe that REI sells. I personally think that tennis shoes (like what you’d wear to the gym) are too casual for work, but YMMV.

    9. Bike Walk Barb*

      Betabrand Dress Pant Yoga Pants are fantastic. Comfortable material, look like work pants but feel like yoga pants for comfort, pockets, various colors and leg widths from skinny to straight to boot cut.

      Check out Svaha for STEM-themed items, mostly dresses and tops, a few skirts. Nerdy in the best possible way and the dresses have pockets. Lean into your science role and wear science on your sleeve.

      I’m having a flashback to my high school biology teacher. They kept horses and one day she showed up for work in cut-off denim overalls with cowboy boots. She threw a lab coat over the whole ensemble and away we went. No big deal. That is 100% the only thing I can recall about any teacher’s clothing in my entire school career and I wouldn’t have thought of it if you hadn’t asked.

    10. V.*

      I’ve been having a similar jeans dilemma, but I recently bought a pair of dark wash trouser jeans that seem professional but also reasonably fashionable (I hope?). I bought them from J. Crew Factory but I know I’ve seen similar styles from other brands as well.

    11. Carla*

      I’m a teacher too. After a very painful bout of plantar fasciitis that took a couple of years to recover from, I only wear Vionic or Danskos to work for shoes. I do have one pair of Clark’s Chelsea boots I’ll wear occasionally. I’m sure there are some other brands too that would work, but so far I’ve been afraid to try and happy enough with those.

      I start with the shoes, not only the support but also warmth/socks, and consider temperature regulation and built the outfit from there. In winter (I’m in the Midwest), black tights with a jersey dress (Boden) is easy and can be layered with a warm cardigan, and doesn’t need to be ironed. Or pants with a knit top & cardigan, or a merino sweater (Uniqlo has some for cheap). My building ranges from very cold to very stuffy unpredictably, and merino is nice for temperature regulation. Also just layering in general.

      I get annoyed putting on the tights in winter so I’m leaning towards spending more on pants this year instead. I’m trying out Quince and they seem ok for basic style, not great quality but not a big investment. Land’s End has turtlenecks and some cotton sweaters.

      When I started out I used to enjoy shopping thrift stores and wearing stylish things (even heels!), and got compliments. Now I focus on comfort, convenience, and looking presentable/professional on a budget. Buy colors that you like and that will coordinate, and be disciplined about only buying things that will coordinate with what you already have. Weirdly I still get the occasional compliment.

  58. Wolf*

    For shoes: would Doc Martens work for you? They have air-cushioned soles, made for standing and walking all day. And they’re cool, and offer cute colours and designs.

    For jeans, I have no clue what is trendy, I just go with whatever has pockets.

  59. My Brain is Exploding*

    So what embarrassing thing have you done lately? Today, while driving two women on a very long road trip, I pulled up at a gas station, got out, and after the prompt on the screen at the pump, inserted my credit card INTO THE SLOT WHERE THE RECEIPT COMES OUT. And I couldn’t get it out. Fortunately, I am not the first person they have seen do this (so they said, maybe just to make me feel better, which it di), and shout-out to very kind man named Darius who had a key to undo that portion of the pump (I suppose to change the receipt paper) and didn’t laugh at me, at least to my face, and told me he’d seen people do way worse. However, the two passengers were my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law, so I’m sure they had a lovely discussion about boneheaded me tonight in their hotel room.

    1. Decidedly Me*

      Went to a restaurant and the door we saw didn’t seem like a normal entrance, so we started looking for the actual entrance. Couldn’t find one, so went back to weird door and tried it – it wouldn’t open and someone saw us and didn’t help, so wrong entrance confirmed! We keep looking some more, see nothing. Pull up Google reviews and see a photo confirming the weird door is the entrance, so we decide to try once more. And….it’s a push, not a pull….

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          I love that cartoon, and I think of it every time I pull on a push door or vice versa.

        2. Peanut Hamper*

          That comic came out when I was a freshman in college. I lived in the honors dorm, and it seemed like every single door had that comic taped to it.

          We’ve all been there, done that, I guess.

        3. Heffalump*

          My absolute favorite Far Side is one that ran in the early ’80s: the Far Side kid with the thick glasses and brush cut, standing by the bed in his pajamas, reading a note:

          “Dear Billy,

          “This time I just took the tooth under the pillow. Next time I’m bringing the PLIERS. Beware Billy!”

          3 or so days after it ran, I bumped into Gary Larson at a coffeehouse in Seattle and got to tell him how much I’d enjoyed it.

    2. ctrl-alt-delicious*

      I always know I’m tired when I try to use my car button device to unlock my front door so yes, I have done that more than once…..luckily no one else was around to see!

        1. Once upon a time*

          Or try to use the remote to answer the phone (we have a cordless land line) or the opposite. Or put spray sunblock on my hair or start to use hairspray as spray sunblock…

          1. Bike Walk Barb*

            For some strange reason, touching the corner of the page in a physical book doesn’t turn the page for me….

            1. GoryDetails*

              Heh! Yeah, and using my fingers to expand the page when the font’s too small doesn’t work on physical books either. (A pity, that!)

            2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              I don’t have issues with paper books but for some reason any time I try to read a physical magazine, I tap at least every third page to turn it.

        2. Clisby*

          Me either. Also, putting the cream in the dishwasher will not keep it cool (fortunately, my daughter saw me about to do this, and loudly said “Mom! Have you had your 2nd cup of coffee?”

    3. Not A Manager*

      I was at an event recently and greeted a friend of mine. She was accompanied by someone I hadn’t met before, so we exchanged introductions.

      *Two minutes later,* I was in a different room, said hi to a friend who was sitting at a table with some folks, and introduced myself to the person sitting next to her. She smiled at me and gave me her name. The same name I had just heard *two minutes earlier,* from this same lady, that I had just met. Two minutes ago.

    4. Harlowe*

      Last week I was standing at my kitchen sink, explaining to my husband how I wanted to get more of the same trees along our back property line to replace the ones that died. I was so overtired and burned out from a marathon Photoshop work project that I gestured in the air as if to lasso-outline the tree and copy-paste it next to itself.

    5. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I wasn’t feeling very well as I was driving in awful Manhattan traffic the other day, so I was probably a little slower than usual checking that all was clear for a lane change.

      I can understand getting honked at by a car behind me, but I got yelled at by a bicyclist. WTF?

    6. Dark Macadamia*

      I did this with one of those table card readers at Red Robin, lol. Luckily it didn’t get stuck but I didn’t even realize until the receipt printed because I guess the slot was close enough to the “tap to pay” sensor

    7. Morning Reader*

      At a local concert, I somehow managed to turn on the flashlight on my phone and I couldn’t get it off. I finally went out in the lobby (between songs) and got help from one of the staff there. (I still am not entirely sure how to turn the thing off. It takes me several tries; I think maybe my finger is too hot and the phone is too. Or something. Can I ok boomer myself?)

  60. Broken scones*

    Happy weekend! I’ve been toying with the idea of taking swimming classes for fun and for exercise at a local YMCA. Does anyone have any tips or general advice? Thank you in advance.

    1. MissGirl*

      Just do it. You might feel silly or inept but the coaches are supportive. My pool had adult classes and swim practice where you sort by ability. Get a swimsuit you feel reasonably comfortable in (you’ll quickly feel fine after a few times if that’s a concern).

    2. The Dude Abides*

      Do a small group class first, but don’t be afraid to flip to 1-on-1 if your budget allows.

      My wife and I started our daughter in a group class, but for more advanced instruction switched to 1-on-1 due to the class size (in a 40 minute class, she might get 5-6 minutes of instruction/pool time).

      I would also join the Y if you haven’t – at mine, the prices are a lot higher for non-members. For the 1-on-1, we pay $130 for four sessions. Non-members, it’s $200.

    3. AjaxM*

      If your goal is the classes themselves, I’ve really enjoyed mine. I’ve had various experiences even at the same pool, where some groups we’ve all been fairly quiet and in others everyone’s really chatty. This can also really depend on the level because in the more beginner groups there’s a lot more time for resting and individual instruction, while in the more advanced groups you’re mostly only resting during transitions or group instruction.

      There might only be 3 adult levels of swimming classes while there are 10 for the kids, so it’s normal that other people will be at different stages than you and that people will plan on repeating that level multiple times. I recommend embracing that – your goal is to practice the skills (or just enjoy yourself) as opposed to passing the class. If your goals also include getting better, plan to spend one additional day at a lap swim (or whatever is appropriate for your level) per class. On the other hand, if you only want to go to the group class, that can be helpful for remembering why other people progress differently.

      Bring a water bottle. If you prefer cold water, bring an insulated one.

      Everything else can probably wait until you figure out what works for you and your pool, so don’t worry too much about being perfectly organized for the first set of classes. I have specific preferences and recommendations for swimsuits and goggles and swim caps and earplugs, etc, but for now just go with what you have and see if you like it :)

  61. Sloanikitty*

    What are some games to play with a kitty that are also somewhat fun for the human? I have a young cat here who wants to play, play, play, but I’m only good for 5-10 minutes of fishy pole (and she stops actively trying to catch it in about that same amount of time). Other games we like so far are me sitting on the couch tearing up a page of packing paper and throwing the crumpled balls of it, one at a time, around the room (because at least I can do that for 5-10 minutes without continually getting up to retrieve the toys) and me trying to make a “hole in one” kicking/rolling the jingly ball into her tunnel from a distance (because at least that takes some skill/challenge on my part). Any other suggestions to keep us both entertained?

    1. Bike Walk Barb*

      My husband plays a game with our cat that I’ve also done occasionally and find pretty entertaining. When the cat is up on top of his climbing tower/kitty condo, we toss one of his crinkly foil balls up and he bats it down like a star soccer player. We do this over and over. Makes me laugh to see how quickly his paw flashes out. The foil ball can go in unpredictable directions so it does mean some work retrieving.

      Laser pointer on the wall for sure, although I’ve read that this is really frustrating for them because their hunter brain needs something to catch and shake and the laser doesn’t provide that. When we do it we have one of the little furry toys handy and toss that out toward the last place for the pointer so the cat gets to pounce on something and have that satisfaction at the end.

      1. Sloanikitty*

        Yeah, I’m experimenting with how to end the game with her laser pointer. It’s by far her favorite toy and the one most guaranteed to burn her energy off, but I do think she ends up unsatisfied by it if I’m not careful. I’m trying to start with the pointer and then switch to the fishie pole, but she doesn’t always accept the substitution. I’ve tried flicking it off on an actual toy or treat that she gets to “catch.” Right now I’m experimenting with a metallic pom pom toy – I’m hoping it reflects the laser light so she can finally catch it when I end the game there.

        1. Clisby*

          My daughter’s cats seem to love their laser pointer toy, which they can activate. It’s one of those bobbing(?) toys that you can hit and it sort of rolls and pops back up. The cats both quickly figured out that if they whacked it the laser pointer would come on.

        2. Love me, love my cat*

          I put a little in a slightly out-of-the-way place without kitty seeing me. Then we play laser tag for a bit. When I’m getting tired (lol), I shine the laser light on the treat. They pounce and finally get their reward! Game over.

          I also use those little disposable cups for using in the bathroom or taking pills–without cat seeing you do it (thats the hard part!)put a little treat under one or two, leave one or two empty. Kitty shell game! I use different colored cups or write a number on each one, so I remember which one has the treat.

      2. nappingcat*

        On the other hand, cats will cat. The laser pointer is the only toy my cat likes. She usually likes to play *after* snacking. So, as with all things cat, try everything and see what yours likes.

        1. allathian*

          Indeed. Cats will cat. But if a cat seems frustrated after a game of laser pointer tag, that’s because they don’t get the satisfaction of catching anything.

          That said, you don’t need to give them a treat after every catch, big cats in the wild are successful at catching their prey only about once for every ten attempts, and I doubt smaller cats have a better success rate.

    2. dontbeadork*

      Get a cheerble ball (rechargeable automatic ball) your cat can bat around. They are programed to offer different levels of activity with some rest periods built in, so you can put it on active and it’ll roll about erratically for a few minutes and then go ‘dormant’ for a while. And then it’ll pick up and start moving again. Our lot love them, so I have several and usually have a couple charging up as well. They also make the wicked ball (same principle, but for doggos) and wicked snail and wicked egg.

      A word of warning, though. They are small enough they can get in the little gaps between your fridge and cabinet or under the freezer. We’ve had to block off little gaps with small boxes or books or random bits of brick to keep the ball in the playable zone.

    3. Shiny Penny*

      When I had a young teenager cat who wanted a lot of action, I’d toss single kibbles for him to chase and eat. I started not tossing them very far, but once he was hooked on the game I’d throw them as far as we had space for (across the room, down the hallway). It wore him out nicely, and he really enjoyed it.

  62. Texan In Exile*

    I live in the upper Midwest, which means that people show up early. I had agreed to a pickup time of 10 a.m. for some materials I used for a group I volunteer with. I got out of bed earlier than I wanted (I have insomnia and wanted to be able to go back to sleep) just in case and sure enough, I just got a text that the person picking up will be 30 minutes early.

    I need to remember – when I agree to such things – to say, “Please do not show up earlier than we planned.”

    1. Jessica*

      I am from somewhere else and have no plans to move to the Midwest but nonetheless feel very grateful for this warning!

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        It absolutely is (and I’m also in the Midwest) – yesterday I was going to someone’s home to pick up an item they were selling, and I got to the vicinity 40 minutes early. So you know what I did? I found somewhere to sit my butt down with a cool beverage and read on my phone for 35 minutes. Because showing up at someone’s house that early is super rude.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I hate this, it’s so rude. Not from the Midwest but I had family members who would do this so it was always like we invited them for 1pm, we have to scramble to be ready by 11am so they don’t catch us in the shower or a messy house. They’d always be like “oh, you don’t have to entertain us, we don’t mind just sitting in your living room” as if we’re concerned about their comfort rather than ours!!

    4. TravelTimeAndExpectations*

      In my case I’m using public transit, taxis, or ride shares to get somewhere and the folks who say it’s rude to arrive early, especially only 30 minutes early, are probably privileged to be able to drive everywhere (I cannot drive for medical reasons).

      The options may be arrive 45min early or 90 minutes late (for example) and still possibly being an hour or more late if I shoot for 45min early or, if I feel I cannot be late, sometimes arriving as much as 2 hours early because I’m planning for buses that don’t show up, a cab or rideshare that takes an hour to arrive, needing to deal with two transfers and thus the likelihood of missing one or both when things don’t go perfectly, etc. On those rare instances where it all works perfectly I was very, very early but I’ve also still been late leaving exactly that same time to go to the same place at the same time on the same day of the week.

      If there isn’t a useful place to wait, I’m going to go to my destination. If it’s an office building, hospital, or other shared space I’ll wait in the lobby until 20-30 min before I’m supposed to be there, but the process of getting past security, reception, etc can take a while so I don’t want to wait longer then end up late for something when I was actually early.

      I also grew up in a culture (not in the midwest) that expected you to be 10-15 early to things but be patient if asked to wait however long, and showing up late was considered much ruder than being early if it was less than an hour or so. If you showed up early to someone’s house you were expected to pitch in with preparations for whatever event.

      I have accepted I will be late for things no matter how early I set out/how much travel time I allot, but I will plan to be early to allow all the things that usually go wrong to go wrong. Most of the time if I plan to be early I arrive close to the time or a little late – the specifics depend on what the schedules permit for arrival times, but it’s rare to go anywhere and arrive at the times indicated by a bus or train schedule or to have an uber/taxi ride result in a fast pickup and a direct, relatively fast trip.

      If I’m going to someone’s house I’ll give them a heads up, and they could tell me not to come or arrange for more reliable transportation if it bothers them. I have had the latter happen periodically (hitched a ride with someone else heading to the same place, arranged by the host/hostess) but not the former.

      1. TravelTimeAndExpectations*

        expected you to be at least 10-15 min early, not exactly 10-15 min early (10-15 min was the sweet spots folks strive for). And if folks weren’t ready yet and didn’t want the early birds to help they sit them in front of the TV or at the kitchen table, depending on which was more out of the way.

      2. Roland*

        I take the bus everywhere and still think it’s rude to show up very early to planned things unless it’s my bffs who I know won’t care if I hang out while they finish dinner or whatever. People plan their day and I don’t think it’s ok to interrupt it without a good reason. If it’s really a situation like “45 minutes early or 90 late” I will ask if it’s ok to move the meeting earlier or later, or just sit in a cafe for 40 minutes.

        1. TravelTimeAndExpectations*

          It is extremely common to not have somewhere nearby to wait unless meeting in the city proper, and even then it’s not guaranteed. If this isn’t acceptable to them they can tell me not to come. It’s not something I can control.

      3. Dark Macadamia*

        Um, “giving someone a heads up” that you’re just showing up at their home uninvited (if it’s not at the agreed time, it is uninvited!) and putting the burden on them to object is super rude. No one wants to be the jerk who tells someone *already on their way* that they need to make other arrangements, but putting up with it doesn’t mean they aren’t bothered!

        1. TravelTimeAndExpectations*

          In advance – when they have the option to either say we’d prefer you not come or arrange something else if they know someone else who might be willing to drive.

      4. Texan In Exile*

        She was driving. She’s the one who suggested 10 a.m. in the first place, which I still thought was too early but I wanted to make things easy for her. She had complete control over her arrival time. And she didn’t even ask for a response. She just – showed up.

        BTW, the last time she picked up, she was 30 minutes late.

        And the time that I was supposed to meet her at a park to give her the supplies, she wasn’t even there. Even though we had agreed on the time and the place six hours in advance and then I texted her to remind her when I was 15 minutes out.

        So yeah she’s privileged but she’s also rude.

    5. Indolent Libertine*

      I’m not familiar with Midwest norms, but assuming personal interaction was required and this wasn’t just a porch pickup, could you not have replied “Sorry, I can’t be available before 10, if 10 doesn’t work for you any longer then let me know if you want to look for a later time”?

  63. Peer pressure*

    What do you still feel peer pressure about and why? how do you combat the accompanying negative feelings?

    1. Once upon a time*

      Being a SAHM. And mostly not going back to a paying job once the kids were older. Not my friends, but people my age who ask what I do/did.

    2. Peer pressure*

      Mine is having more kids. I feel overwhelmed with the ones I already do have and literally can’t afford them. No one is asking me or telling me to have more but I definitely feel left out as others have more kids and I am very obviously not right now.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Good for you for recognizing that you wouldn’t be able to handle or afford more kids.

        Keeping your family to a size that is more manageable for you increases the likelihood that you’ll be a much better (and eventually happier, I hope!) parent to them.

        You’re not doing anything wrong by not having a huge family. I’m an only child, and I really benefitted from not having my parents distracted with other kids.

    3. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I don’t have kids by choice, and people assume I must have the rest of my life neatly figured out (or at least plenty of time and headspace to be very put-together). But I fell into my “career” field almost by chance, and I know now that it’s not what I want to do long term. Or even two years from now. As far as my skills and aspirations go, I feel very unfulfilled and full of FOMO (because what if I’d chosen differently when I was younger?). It’s done a number on my mental health in the past few years.

      To combat the negative feelings, this year I started reflecting on what it might look like to take gradual steps away from my current job and get into other things. But I’m not acting on any of that yet. When I talk to friends and family about my thoughts, they often ask what my plan is and “I don’t know just yet” feels very embarrassing to say.

    4. Unkempt Flatware*

      To forgive my father and allow him into my life. “But he’s your dad!” My brother never pressures my dad to be a better person but I’m pressured to accept my bigoted dad.

    5. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      People think I’m being too covid cautious. If I am charitably inclined, I just think that they’re ignorant of how easily covid spreads/the dangers of long covid or that they’re insecure about their own lack of covid precautions. If I’m not in a charitable mood, I assume they’re being jerks on purpose. Either way, that’s their problem, not mine.

      I’ve learned to tolerate people not being pleased with me or people thinking I’m weird — it’s not the end of the world.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        I really am not worried about catching covid anymore. I’m vaccinated, I don’t go out much, etc.

        But yep, I do worry about catching long covid. I know a few people who have it and it has seriously wrecked their lives. I don’t want to be in that position. So I mask up, don’t go to events, and pretty much party likes it’s 2021. If people want to look at me funny, that’s on them, not on me.

    6. Lifelong student*

      I don’t experience peer pressure. I’m not friends with anyone who would disapprove of my life style. If I have acquaintances who do disapprove- I don’t care. I don’t live me life for anyone’s approval but my own. I do have friends with differnt views on specific items- but since we are all adults we respect other’s abilty to make their own choices in life. If someone does something I find reprehensible I choose to disengage not disparage. I expect to be treated the same way.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, I don’t experience peer pressure and haven’t since middle school. That’s when I learned that no matter what I do, I’m not conventionally attractive enough to be one of the popular girls. I stopped caring about fitting in and found my crowd among the other outcasts.

    7. Maggie*

      I honestly don’t experience much peer pressure if any. Maybe a small amount from older in law family members regarding having kids, but they aren’t my peers and it’s pretty sparse/intermittent (thankfully). I couldn’t think of the last time I felt legitimate peer pressure. I’m in my mid 30s for reference.

    8. Psloa*

      I’m not dating or interested in relationships, and this drives my friend group nuts. I don’t want to explain what asexual means or claim that identity when I know it may not fit me 100%, and I know that to most people on the planet, finding their true love is the single most important thing in the world. I try to just re-cast people’s comments and concern as expressions of love. They love me, and they want me to be happy, and as far as they understand there’s only one way to be happy, so they want that for me. Maybe someday I’ll find the right way to explain how I feel but it’s not the worst thing to have so many people love me.

  64. supply closet badger*

    Looking for tips for a 7-hour stopover at Singapore Changi Airport! I know that there’s tons to do at the airport itself and on the tours outside, but it’s almost overwhelming trying to figure out what should be top of the list, so keen to hear what others think is worth doing!

    Possibly salient info: my travel companion and I are both vegetarian, we don’t need a visa to enter Singapore, the timing of the stopover is late afternoon to night, we’re both adults with no kids, I don’t mind a bit of shopping but companion is not a fan, we both like nature and art experiences, we’ll be trying our best to power through and stay awake after ~14 hours of travel so we can sleep on the last flight. Thanks in advance!

  65. StrayMom*

    I have, for the first time ever, agreed to place a candidate’s sign on my lawn. I’ll be honest, I feel a little anxious doing this, because the opposition is such rabid cult of personality, but this election is important to me for so many reasons, not the least of which is that I have daughters of child-bearing age. But that leads to my questions-if you saw a candidate’s sign at a business, would that make you more or less likely to support that business? If someone posts support for a certain candidate on social media, is that automatically an invitation to respond in support or not? Full disclosure-I recently blocked from my feeds a friend from childhood who re-posted something so truly ignorant, and frankly, dangerous, that I was appalled and disappointed in them. I started to send a reply, and realized that I probably wouldn’t change their mind, and so I basically ghosted them. But maybe I should have called them on it. Social media is such a minefield…

    1. Roland*

      A sign would probably not make me more likely to support a business. I’m thinking what it would take – a niche candidate that I really strongly believed in but wasn’t popular? Can’t say that’s happened. But a sign might make me less likely to support a business if it’s for someone I find repugnant.

    2. Maryn*

      It depends on who the candidate is, for me.

      There are candidates I oppose who are not heinous human beings, and if a business had one of their signs out, it wouldn’t stop me from patronizing that business. People are welcome to have different ideas about what’s best for the county, state, or nation.

      But in the past and now again in the present, when the candidate a business supports with its lawn signs is someone I find morally and ethically objectionable, I make a mental note of the business as one to avoid.

      Where I live (a swing state), that means there are many small businesses, from stores to restaurants to farm stands to U-Pick apple orchards, that won’t be seeing my money, not just now but indefinitely.

      1. Morning Reader*

        I have good feelings about a small business which posts signs for candidates I support. I avoid going anywhere near any business with a sign promoting the current orange menace. I once burned rubber turning around in a driveway going to a water dog exhibition.
        I notice fewer of them on businesses this time around. It’s possible that some have learned it’s not good for business.

    3. Texan In Exile*

      Good for you for placing the sign! There are – I know, because I talk to almost everyone I meet about voting and the election and I volunteer doing doors for local candidates – many people who are scared to voice their support for our daughters and this issue. (Including many woman who have until now, always voted for the other side but who are so angry about The Issue that they will vote for my side this time.)

      On Friday, I went to a concert an hour north of Milwaukee and I wore my candidate’s t-shirt. I had four people stop me to agree with me and thank me and tell me they would worry about publicizing their support where they were.

      On Saturday, doing doors, my husband talked to a woman who wanted information about the candidate he was supporting but said, “Don’t tell my husband! He’s [the other side].”

      Since we have been married, our yard has been littered with signs every election. (We are in Wisconsin, so there have been many opportunities.) Like-minded neighbors tell us that they use our yard as a place to start their research before elections – that they know my husband is super involved and does all the research and that they know they can trust him to support candidates and issues (we have had so many referenda and proposed amendments to the WI Constitution) that they would also support.

      TLDR: Your yard sign helps people know they are not alone. They are not crazy. And it also helps them know that someone they trust thinks the way they do.

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