weekend open thread – September 7-8, 2024

by Alison Green on September 6, 2024

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Really Good, Actually, by Monica Heisey. Reeling from the break-up of her marriage, a 20something woman tries to figure out dating after divorce, her ex, and how much you can really ask of a group chat. The main character isn’t very likable, but the writing is extremely funny.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

  2. word nerd*

    Reading thread! Share recommendations or discuss what you’ve been reading lately.

    I absolutely fell in love with Moonbound by Robin Sloan this week and then immediately dove into his first book Mr. Penumbra’s 24-hour Bookstore, which was a disappointment after how much I loved Moonbound. Now I’m on the fence about whether to read Sourdough.

    I also checked out the first Mrs. Pollifax after all the discussion about the series recently, and it was a fun one! Will probably try the second one too once the hold becomes available.

    1. Elle*

      I just finished A Perfect Couple, which has been turned into a series on Netflix. The book is so much fun and kept me guessing. I’m starting Conclave by Robert Harris.

      1. germank106*

        I really liked Conclave. Enigma also is very good. I’m currently reading The Kingmaker by Brian Haig. Don’t like it as much as Secret Sanction or Mortal Allies, but maybe I need to just give the whole series a break.

      2. English Rose*

        Oh I’ve literally just watched the first episode on Netflix, hadn’t realised it was a book.

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Finished up *Play It as It Lays* by Joan Didion, about Hollywood, gamblers, and just how badly a woman can get treated by almost everyone to whom she looks for help. I was reading it in a bunch of waiting rooms for various issues, and I accidentally wound up skipping the middle third of the book (it’s kind of episodic and has a lot of foreshadowing, so it took me a lot of time to notice) and had to go back.

      Because the book has a lot of subtext and requires careful reading (at least for me) to figure out what someone is really saying, I wound up reading some sections two or three times and finally then read the whole thing through again, but I enjoyed doing that, and I thought it was a great book. I just bought her book *Democracy*, which I am also looking forward to reading.

      Right now, my waiting room book is *The Kamogawa Food Detectives*, which is about a father-daughter restaurateur/detective duo who help people track down lost flavors from their pasts. It’s not 100% my cup of tea, but it did pick up a bit after the beginning.

      1. Bibliovore*

        oh I am reading the Food Detectives and put it down. I found the second story a bit tedious. Should I keep going?

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Eh, for me so far, I would say it’s okay for a waiting room or another situation where I have a lot of time to kill and nothing else to do, but it’s probably not worth spending time on if I have something else I’d rather read handy.

          1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            It did make me think of the question from last week asking for recommendations of calm books. So far, I think this would qualify.

            I think people might also enjoy the book more if they really love Japanese cuisine. It kind of reminded me of the movie *Tampopo* in terms of how lovingly the food is described. I like Japanese food, but most of what is served is stuff I haven’t tried, so the loving descriptions are kind of wasted on me.

    3. Shiara*

      I also checked out Mrs Pollifax after recommendations here, and enjoyed it! The second one just came in, but I haven’t started it yet.

      I’ve been rereading Megan Whalen Turner’s The Thief series, and remembering how much fun it is. The narrative misdirection rewards rereading.

      1. Forensic13*

        I love that series so much. I also love that clearly it stops being for children at all (not NSFW, but in terms of elevation and concept) after the third book, tops. I’d argue even that only the first is really labeled accurately for reader level.

          1. Jackalope*

            My feeling – and I’m not a librarian or in publishing, so take this with a grain of salt – is that the first book is more middle grade, and the others are more YA/high school. Not in any way that they aren’t good for adults too, and I also love this series! But the first book is indeed for a younger audience than the others.

      2. tiredlibrarian*

        Oooh I love that series too! I just found out she released an anthology of short stories set in the universe, after the release of the last book in the series. I need to re-read the whole thing and then read the short stories.

        2. Jackalope*

          She also has a collection of short stories unrelated to this series called Instead of Three Wishes that I love. My favorites are the ghost story and the titular story. Highly recommend!

    4. Teapot Translator*

      I read Tepper Isn’t Going Out by Calvin Trillin. I liked it, but not the end.
      Still fighting a reading slump.

    5. acmx*

      I just finished Listen For the Lie by Amy Tintera. Fun, fast read. I liked the MC and her grandmother.

      Deciding on: Miss Morgan’s Book Brigade, Hazelbourne Ladies Motorcycle and Flying Club, or Dog Day Afternoon.

      And I picked up More Days at the Morisaki Bookshop after I learned it existed last weekend :)

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      I read and quite liked The Marlow Murder Club by Robert Thorogood, who created Death in Paradise. Strong Agatha Christie feel, combined with finding your people and community. I solved the mystery–but not too easily–based on analyzing means, motive, and opportunity, rather than by observing who had speaking lines but didn’t need them, which is always satisfying.

      It seems to be first in a series, so I expect the village of Marlow is about to go the way of so many quaint villages in the midlands.

      1. Anon Marlovian (long-time poster)*

        Marlow is already well-known and completely full of its own self-importance. Most of its residents would be horrified to be associated with the Midlands though. In general people are pleased about the books and the show but it is very obvious from the text that the author is a recent transplant so opinions are divided.

    8. Atheist Nun*

      I very much enjoyed A Day of Fire: A Novel of Pompeii by Kate Quinn et al. It is a collection of linked short stories that bring the tragedy of Pompeii to life (and death) and humanize this historical event. Because we all know how the story will end, we might feel, as one character observes, “no fear; just an endless, horrified sorrow” as we bear witness to the ways in which people face death, including denial, terror, resignation, and acceptance. This ancient tragedy reminded me of the current wars that the world is experiencing, and the near future climate emergencies that we will likely face. I visited Pompeii in 2022, and this book beautifully describes some of the places that I saw, like the Villa of the Mysteries as well as a main street snack bar and the town brothel.

      1. CityMouse*

        I really quite like Robert Harris’s Pompeii which tells the story of the eruption from the perspective of an aqueduct engineer.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        I remember watching a YouTube video of the destruction of Pompeii a few years ago (all CGI, of course.) It was just one static shot set at a short distance, and you saw and heard the rumblings and gradual flames and covering of street after street. The worst part at first was when you could hear muffled screaming, and then the worst part was later–when there was no more screaming.

      3. Bike Walk Barb*

        Related nonfiction that’s very good by Annalee Newitz: Four Lost Cities: A Secret History of the Urban Age. It’s about four ancient cities that were abandoned, what life was like that from what we can learn through archaeology, what forces might have led to their abandonment. From the publisher’s website, they are “the Neolithic site of Çatalhöyük in Central Turkey, the Roman vacation town of Pompeii on Italy’s southern coast, the medieval megacity of Angkor in Cambodia, and the indigenous metropolis Cahokia, which stood beside the Mississippi River where East St. Louis is today.”

      4. GoryDetails*

        I hadn’t heard of Day of Fire – sounds like it’s just up my alley! (I watch Pompeii documentaries whenever I can, and got to see a traveling museum exhibit in Boston some years back – very effective and poignant.)

      5. Atheist Nun*

        Thanks for the book recommendations! I also enjoyed Mary Beard’s book on this topic. Beard uses archaeological evidence to illustrate the daily life of Pompeii’s residents. A Day of Fire, on the other hand, focuses on the moments before the eruption of Vesuvius. I think these two books complement each other.

    9. Valancy Stirling*

      I’m enjoying Shadow of Night by Deborah Harkness. The second book in the Discovery of Witches series, it follows a witch and a vampire who fell in love and defied the laws against interspecies relationships.

    10. StrayMom*

      I’m reading “The Demon of Unrest” by Erik Larson – it cover the period between Lincoln’s election, the succession of Southern states from the Union, and the eventual firing on Fort Sumter in Charleston Harbor, the start of the Civil War. We were just vacationing in SC, so we had a great frame of reference. The political parallels to today are striking, and frankly, alarming. I am a huge fan of Erik Larson’s books, thanks to my son-in-law.

      1. Rosyglasses*

        Oh I read “the splendid and the vile” as he came and lectured for the Oregon Historical Society Hatfield Lectures last year – it covers Winston Churchill during the war and was so well done.

    11. chocolate muffins*

      I read The Golden Couple, which was … not great for me and not what I was expecting it. I generally like books about marriages and relationships in general and I must have read some description somewhere that mentioned this book was about that, which is true, but it is also a thriller, which is a genre that does not mesh well with me. I finished it because I can’t not finish a book, but it was very much not my thing. But if you like combining books about other people’s marriages with thrillers, this might be perfect for you! (General “you,” not just word nerd.)

      1. word nerd*

        I hope you don’t mind if I poke your statement “I can’t not finish a book” a second. I totally get this feeling! But, making the assumption that you will only get to spend a finite number of hours in your life reading books, you are choosing to spend x hours finishing that book over reading any one of the millions of books you could be enjoying instead. You may decide that it’s still worth it to satisfy the completion urge, but I think it’s worth making that decision consciously (I am choosing to read this book I don’t like instead of reading a book I like). Or you could just decide to put down a book you’re not enjoying just for now with the potential to come back to it later if that’s an easier decision (and in fact, I recently picked a book up again that I’m enjoying now when I gave up on it last year–must have been in a different mood then). And let me be clear, sometimes I finish books I don’t like for various reasons too, like it was a book club pick and I want to be able to discuss it with my book club!

        1. Bike Walk Barb*

          I similarly thought I “had” to finish books for a long time, then finally realized life is short and good books are legion.

          1. Cedrus Libani*

            Agreed. When I was younger, I finished every book; I had way too much time on my hands, and books were a limited resource. My parents would take me to the library every few weeks, but even so, I might be reduced to reading the cereal boxes if I went through my allotment too quickly.

            Now I’m an adult. My to-read list is way too long, and time is limited. Triage is totally appropriate. If I’m not feeling it, I’m trying another one.

            I still remember the book that broke me. I was a teen, on vacation, and literally had nothing else to do but watch the clouds go by, but I still couldn’t take it any longer. As Dorothy Parker put it, this was a book to throw aside with great force.

            1. chocolate muffins*

              Do you remember what book that was? I am so curious now!

              And, I totally get what you all are saying, and yet still, I finish all the books I start. This has actually paid off well for me before with books that got MUCH better as they went on. A recent one like that for me was The Remains of the Day – I was reading it at first being like, why am I reading this, it is about a butler who is not even that interesting. But then it became one of my favorite books and I’m so glad I stuck with it. Putting books down is a totally legit option! Just not the one I’m picking currently.

              1. Jackalope*

                Don’t know if this helps since I wasn’t the person you asked originally, but I chose to stop partway through a book today and while I was bummed, I totally stand behind my decision. The book was The House Witch by Delemhach, and it was awful! I’m sick right now and have nothing to do this weekend besides read, snuggle cats, and play video games, and I still just couldn’t. Unusually, I didn’t even care to read ahead to the end to find out what happened.

                My reasons for this were largely centered around the fact that the prose was awful. The author just didn’t know how to string words together in a way that sounded good; they used a ton of adverbs, and in ways that didn’t always make sense, they described things poorly, the characters were all flat (the only one I cared about at all was the kitten, and that’s 100% because I like kittens and 0% anything that gave him an actual personality), and I got to the point where I was breaking sentences down and rewriting them in my head as a sort of writing exercise instead of looking at them as a story. I’ll often do that here or there if, say, the author used a word or phrase I’m not fond of, but if the whole book is just becoming a mental writing exercise then I’m wasting my time (unless I’m a beta reader). The book just needed an actual editor, or maybe to have this as a rough draft and then be rewritten.

                The thing that finally broke me, though, was the ignorance about agriculture. The main character is preparing for Beltane, which for the unfamiliar falls on May 1st. We don’t know the exact date, but it sounds like it’s probably mid-April. Magic is not widely used for growing food, at least as far as we can tell (and the main character is a professional cook, so he would probably have mentioned it). And they have fresh grapes, apples, AND strawberries all available at the same time in approx mid-April. For those who are unfamiliar, strawberries are generally late spring to early summer (late May to late June), grapes are fall, and apples are fall. This isn’t 100%, but the chance that all of those fruits would be available as fresh fruit in mid-April is….. low, no matter what the climate. The author was clearly used to a modern lack of growing season and didn’t bother to figure out what would be available when… when their POV character is the primary cook in a castle. This is his JOB, his literal job, to know these things. I just couldn’t any more after that.

              2. word nerd*

                I do get that. I love The Remains of the Day too. And earlier this year I was very on the fence about A Gentleman in Moscow for about the first third of the book, waffling about putting it down, and I’m glad I stuck it out because I ended up really enjoying it once I got into it. Thanks for reading my probably annoying post anyway. You do you!

              3. Cedrus Libani*

                The book was She’s Come Undone by Wally Lamb.

                This is a “me problem”, but the one flaw I can’t abide in a main character is passivity / learned helplessness. Yeah, I know it exists, but it’s miserable to read about. If our POV is a piece of sentient driftwood who cannot or will not figure out what they want, beyond minimizing the amount of discomfort they will experience in the next two seconds, therefore they don’t perform any goal-directed actions that might result in conflict, plot advancement, character growth, etc., then there’s just no story to be told.

        2. Nervous Nellie*

          I would add – author Daniel Pennac wrote a charming little book in the 80s called Better than Life, which included his Reader’s Bill of Rights. It’s worth finding on Biblio. Right #3 is the right not to finish! I read that then, and to this day have never finished a book or movie that doesn’t continue to grab me. Life is so very short (1980 was just yesterday!) – it is over so fast. Too many books, too little time….

          But….if sticking with it is preferred, that’s ok too. His Right #10 is the right to not defend your tastes. It’s all good.

        3. Jackalope*

          I have also come to be less willing to finish books I’m not enjoying, and sometimes keep them around for awhile. My personal way of dealing with things is to try and give myself a chance (when I can) to give a book that isn’t working a solid chunk of time and then decide. So for example, I recently had a book that I’d checked out from the library on a whim and then couldn’t get into. On a Saturday when I had some time free I sat down and decided I’d give it one last go, and then either return it to the library or finish it. I read the whole thing that day, and am now eagerly looking forward to the sequel. But sometimes the opposite happens and it can’t keep my interest, or I get annoyed, or whatever, and then I figure I’ve given it the old college try and I let it go.

        4. Pandas*

          I’m sure some people would consider this sacrilegious, but I gave myself permission a long time ago to just skip to the end. If I’m struggling to finish a book I’ll just skip to the final chapter or two. If the ending intrigues me enough, I’ll keep reading to see how the book got there, and I’m more motivated since I know where it’s going. If it doesn’t, I usually feel relief I didn’t waste my time for *that* ending. There’s probably only a handful of books I’ve ever regretted spoiling for myself, I think it’s worth it for all of the lifespan I’ve saved not reading books I don’t like.

          1. GoryDetails*

            I do that – if a book’s not grabbing me I might skim for a bit to see if anything new pops up, and if not I’ll dash to the ending just to see how it turns out. Once in a blue moon this has led me to back up and read the whole book, but most of the time I just shrug and am happy to be done with that book so I can move on to a more promising one!

    12. Panda (she/her)*

      I’ve read some good non-fiction lately, but in a function slump at the moment (and I’m non-fiction-ed out right now!). Any suggestions along the lines of Shantaram, Little Fires Everywhere or Maybe You Should Talk to Someone (basically book club fiction – entertaining, not too heavy but makes you think)?

      1. Fellow Traveller*

        I liked Little Fires Everywhere and Maybe You Should Talk to Someone too! Some books I’ve really enjoyed lately:
        The Change by Kristen Miller- three women, in various stages of middle age decide to fight back against all the misogynistic BS they’ve had to endure in life.
        Ministry of Time – time travel/romance/ political thriller.
        Fencing with the King by Diana Abu-jabar- a writer accompanies her father back to Jordan and is confrontes with family secrets

      2. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

        I liked Sonali Dev’s The Vibrant Years. A 65-year-old Indian-American woman panics when she inherits a fortune and it changes her life which impacts the lives of her daughter-in-law and granddaughter.

      3. word nerd*

        Margo’s Got Money Troubles! Very funny and well-written, some interesting themes with a light touch.

    13. Filosofickle*

      I liked Sourdough! But then again I also liked Mr. Penumbra (a little better than Sourdough), so our tastes may not be aligned. Happy to hear he has another book out either way :D

    14. beep beep*

      I LOVED Mr Penumbra and disliked Sourdough, so maybe give it a try? Most of my dislike was regarding the ending, though it does hit many of the same themes. I haven’t read Moonbound so cannot give advice regarding that.

    15. Myself*

      I think Sourdough is definitely better than Mr. Penumbra so you might want to give it a try. I think I might prefer it to Moonbound as well, but that’s probably personal preference.

    16. goddessoftransitory*

      Just started Crying in H Mart, and am enthralled so far! Also reading a collection of monster short stories taking new angles on “classics” like Frankenstein and so on. So far most of them are–fine. The ideas/angles the writers came up with are tending to be more interesting then the execution. But one, called Give Me Your Hand by David Service, is fantastic!

    17. Annie Edison*

      I may or may not have finished the first Mrs. Pollifax last weekend, and then promptly binged the next two books in the series over the course of this week. She is a delight! and is actually helping me feel a little more confident about taking on new adventures in my own life too

      1. Pam Adams*

        Those of you enjoying Mrs. Pollifax should also try some of Gilman us other work. Also fun!

        I read the continuation of the Peter Wimsey series written by Jill Paton Walsh. On the plus side, I was nice to visit the characters again. On the minus side, it was repeating the original books no real character growth. (also, she killed off one of my favorite minor characters)

        1. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

          I read the first Jill Paton Walsh and was disappointed enough not to continue the series. Don’t remember specifics except I felt she got Bunter completely wrong.

          1. CityMouse*

            The only one I liked of those was A Presumption of Death. I’d read that one and skip the others.

          2. Pam Adams*

            Luckily, they were on Kindle Unlimited, so it was only time, not money. I should have learned from my failure to appreciate the Nero Wolfe continuations.

        2. Yikes Stripes*

          A Nun in the Closet is hands down my favorite Gilman book and I feel like it doesn’t get enough love

            1. HoundMom*

              Second the Tightrope Walker — I re-read it periodically to remind me to leave my comfort zone. Just started the Rowland Sinclair series by Sulari Gentill. I enjoy mysteries with history and it is set in 1930’s Australia. I had no idea about the political waves at that time.

    18. ACLV*

      Just finished James, by Percival Everett, which is the story of Huckleberry Finn told from the perspective of Jim the slave. Fascinating experiment, and the result is deeply touching.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Oooh, Percival Everett! What a wild talent. I just bought Dr. No (my goodness, the premise) and can’t wait to read it. I’ve also ordered Erasure at the library, as I loved the Jeffrey Wright film American Fiction which was made from this book. Everett’s like a brilliant merger of Richard Wright and Chuck Palahniuk. I am going to go full completist and read everything of his.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          I’m so glad you made that comment about the premise of *Dr. No.* Wow, reading the book’s description makes me want to get it right away. Thank you!

          1. Nervous Nellie*

            Yeah! It incredibly fresh & weird & challenging. I want to read another Ruth Ozeki next, but will likely grab this instead. Totally wow – what a fresh and wild idea for a story.

            1. goddessoftransitory*

              I’ve got Ozeki’s The Book of Form and Emptiness ready to go! I read her My Year of Meats years ago and still think about it.

              1. Nervous Nellie*

                Me too! My next read was going to be The Book of Form and Emptiness, but I think I will read Dr. No first as the middle of an Ozeki sandwich. Such great books. I am so excited about both!

    19. Jackalope*

      I previously read the Legendary Farmer series by Elizabeth Oswald and loved it. It’s a sort of modern fantasy about a couple of characters who are playing in a virtual reality video game (MMO style game), only some of the NPCs in the game have become real people. As mentioned, I enjoyed the series a ton. So last year she came out with a sequel series called Cuckoo’s Dream, which is a fair bit shorter (only two books), and I was saving them for a time when I’d need something that I could depend on to be engaging. This was that week, and I read both of them, and they were also wonderful! They continued with a thread from the first book series that had been touched on a few times but not more than that, and I liked it. There were also some fun cameos from first series characters since it’s set in the same world. Would definitely recommend.

    20. Shakti*

      I’m reading Ask Not by Maureen Callahan it’s about all the women the Kennedy men destroyed and it’s superb

    21. Mitchell Hundred*

      Unnatural Magic by C.M. Waggoner. It’s a fantasy novel with two storylines about a conspiracy of wizards murdering trolls. One storyline is from the perspective of a young woman learning to use magic, and the other is from the perspective of a half-troll and a disgraced human soldier who fall for each other. I like it, although the author seems to have let the story get away from her a bit.

    22. The Prettiest Curse*

      I’m currently reading Human Acts by Han Kang (translated by Deborah Smith), which is about the violent suppression of protests against the repressive government in 1980s South Korea and the long aftermath. It’s not an easy read, especially as many of the protestors who were killed were very young, but it’s one of those books that I know I’ll remember for a long time.

      I’ve also recently finished Time Shelter by Georgi Gospodinov (translated by Angela Rodel.) In the last decade, I’ve often had the feeling that Europe is stuck in a weird historical time loop, repeating the same mistakes over and over again. This is a brilliant, surreal and very Eastern European novel which captures this feeling better than anything I’ve ever read. The author is Bulgarian, so reading this book also made me look up many things about Bulgarian history and culture, which was really interesting too.

    23. ThatOtherClare*

      So hear me out: I’ve been re-reading “How to Win Friends and Influence People” and it’s been very useful. Not in learning how to win friends or influence people, of course, but to understand how people like the author think. If you mentally append “Like Me, Dale Carnegie” to the title it’s a very helpful book (especially for someone like me who doesn’t think like Dale Carnegie in the slightest).

      1. Helvetica*

        Oh, I read it as a teenager and it definitely left an impression on me. I think many of the suggestions are quite helpful; just don’t treat it as a literal how-to guide, indeed.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        As an anxious person, I found his *How to Stop Worrying and Start Living* useful.

      3. Jackalope*

        I found some of his ideas quite useful in learning how to get along with people. The one that he got the most right in my experience: everyone loves the sound of their own name. I’m not amazing with names, but since I read that I’ve worked really hard to get people’s names down (at least for however long we see each other on the regular), and it really does make a difference. People understand if you forget, but seeing someone you haven’t talked to in awhile and using their name can make them just light up! And if someone has a difficult or unusually pronounced name then learning how to say it right goes a long way towards making them feel cared for. Also, learning how to listen better is a useful and important skill, and one we often miss. I appreciated that he talked about that, and wish that more people would take it to heart!

    24. Six Feldspar*

      I’m on a scifi kick, read a couple of Murderbot novellas this week and now I’m about halfway through Alien Clay by Adtian Tchaikovsky

    25. Seashell*

      I’m reading The Genius of Judy: How Judy Blume Rewrote Childhood for All of Us by Rachelle Bergstein. I am enjoying it.

      Considering how many times I read and reread her books and how real they felt to me, I think Judy Blume may be the author who has provided the most joy in my lifetime.

    26. 248_Ballerinas*

      Reading Lessons in Chemistry for a book club. Really not liking it. The misandry (and misanthropy in general) drips off the page. Feel it was a bait-and-switch to market it as “laugh out loud funny.”

      2. Seashell*

        I started reading it, but I didn’t get too far into it and dropped it. The jist I got was that she was living in a sexist time rather than the book being sexist.

      3. RC*

        I hated it so much too!! I was side eyeing starting at page like 2 where it’s obvious she did zero fact checking on air quality in Southern California in the 60s, and she definitely lost me with the actual rape before p.20. I only finished because my mom loved it and I was trying to understand but it did not improve. (CW: more sexual assault comes later! such a fun book!!! /s)

      4. goddessoftransitory*

        I’ve read it and while I usually like books in that vein (like The Secret History or Tara French’s The Likeness) about little cabals of students and their suffocating social bonding, that one was–a lot.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          And WHOOPS I mixed that up! The one I’m thinking of is Special Topics in Calamity Physics, which is not at all the same.

    27. Professor Plum*

      The Briar Club by Kate Quinn—set in Washington DC in the 1950s. It’s about building life, friendships and community together set in a boarding house for women. Seems like everyone has a secret they’ve tried to hide, but of course the secrets are all revealed. It explores the themes of racism, women’s roles, political paranoia—all still relevant today. Beyond the story itself, I enjoyed that each chapter tells the point of view of a different character and that the house itself is its own character.

    28. Dwight Schrute*

      I’m reading three books right now and enjoying them all!

      Stolen tongues
      Dragonfall
      Legends and lattes

    29. Emily Elizabeth*

      I also found Mr. Penumbra’s 24-hour Bookstore to be such a disappointment – it had such an interesting premise and then, to me, was a huge flop.

    30. RI think it's more of you are doing something that out of the hotelsussianInTexas*

      Just finished The Great Mortality by John Kelly, about the Black Plague. Spoiler alert: everyone dies. But the book is very well written.
      Now I am reading the latest Vera book by Anne Cleves, and the latest book in the All Souls series by Deborah Harkness is next.

    31. Bike Walk Barb*

      Sourdough was fun. That was my first of his book’s.

      I’m reading a collection of Ursula K. LeGuin’s essays on writing and many topics, The Wave in the Mind. It’s so wonderful. The very first piece is about how she’s actually a man. We know that because she’s referred to as “he” when people write about writers. We learn a bit about her growing-up years. She’s smart, insightful, far far ahead of her time. I’ve loved her novels since I was a tween. One of the bigger thrills of my early years was getting to hear her do a reading at Auntie’s Bookstore in Spokane. She very kindly autographed my used paperback copy of her story collection Compass Rose.

      Thanks to a recommendation from this community I’ve been reading my way through Elly Griffiths’ Ruth Galloway mystery series, about a forensic archaeologist (bone specialist) in Great Britain. They’re fun.

      1. Bike Walk Barb*

        I should add a note about the Ruth Galloway series: I wish she didn’t keep lamenting her body size and appearance. She’s insecure because of it.

        I understand the feeling, I share it some days, but I want her to recognize she’s funny and brilliant and other people like and admire her. Hoping that’s part of the arc over time. We do get to see her through other people’s eyes, including someone she sleeps with (no spoilers), so it isn’t an anti-fat series.

        2. Yikes Stripes*

          Yeah, that’s why I dropped the first book halfway through and never came back to it. It just triggered my own issues too hard :(

        3. Filosofickle*

          I bailed in the middle of the second book because I couldn’t handle the constant mentions of her weight (and, really, the looks of every woman). As someone who’s working hard to recover from that kind of insecurity, spending time in that headspace isn’t worth it.

      2. word nerd*

        Thanks, I’ve just put the LeGuin book on hold! I’ve loved a lot of her books over the years–my last one was The Dispossessed last year, an amazing book if you haven’t read it.

    32. GoryDetails*

      The Last Murder at the End of the World by Stuart Turton, in which a man-made fog has devastated most of the planet, leaving a handful of survivors on an island protected by a high-tech barrier. They live a mostly-agrarian, low-tech life, though they are all connected by an AI that can communicate with them at any time, knows what they see (and think) – and that narrates the story (!), which took a bit of getting used to.

      By the time the murder takes place – the most beloved elder, who still remembers the World Before, is found dead under very suspicious circumstances – it’s clear that the situation on the island isn’t at all what most of the people thought it was. And the powers that control things – including our friend the narrating AI – have declared that if the murderer isn’t identified within 48 hours everyone on the island will die. Pressure, much?

    34. Nervous Nellie*

      Ahhhh – A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki. I am reading it as slowly as possible to make it last. It’s refreshingly different from so many other stories. It deals with the 2011 Japanese tsunami. It has footnotes and appendices. It has two narrators’ perspectives. The main narrator is named Ruth, like the author. The narrator’s husband is named Oliver, like the author’s husband. What is fact and what is fiction? It’s fabulous.

      It also regularly mentions Buddhist demons, which led me to One Hundred Demons! by cartoonist Lynda Barry, in which she explores the practice of Buddhist monks to paint the mental demons that interfere with their meditation, and in doing so to name/identify/conquer them. She invites us all to do this, and recommends a related book (which I got at the library this week) called The Art of Zen by Stephen Addiss. My first demon drawn will be the one to tell me my drawings are terrible. I will tell him to take a hike!

    35. Jamie Starr*

      Just finished Small World by Blair Braverman. I picked it up from the “pay what you wish” shelf at the library without really knowing anything about it. Five people go on a reality survival show; if they make through the six weeks, they win prize money. But then the television crew disappears in the middle of that time and they’re truly on their own.

      It was okay; I found it interesting enough, but wouldn’t rave about it.

    36. The cat's pajamas*

      Sourdough is really good! If you like audiobooks, the narration is really good. It’s the first one I read. I thought Mr. Penumbra was just ok but disappointing after Sourdough being so good. Haven’t tried reading Moonbound yet.

      1. word nerd*

        All right, you’ve convinced me to give it a go. I do most of my books as audiobooks. Moonbound is excellent in audio!

    37. Catherine*

      I just finished “Guantanamo Diary”, got it at a second hand shop so it was the highly redacted version. Was still great and I went down the rabbit hole researching everything afterwards.

      Just started The Hundred Years War on Palestine, I think it will be interesting.

    38. DannyG*

      Against the Tide of Years by SM Stirling. Second in the series (and then do need to be read in order). A little bit of si-fi mixed with historical novel. Not a big fiction fan, but the series has held my interest thus far.

    39. Don't You Call Me Lady*

      Long Island Compromise, by the same author who wrote Fleischman in Trouble. So far so good!

    40. Balanceofthemis*

      I’m currently reading The Black Company series. Swords and sorcery series, the early books were written in the ‘80s, and you can kind of tell. Every character going by a nickname took a bit of getting used to, but it’s a good series if you like the genre.

    41. RosyGlasses*

      Mr Penumbra’s 24 hour bookstore was one of my all-time favorites — I love how different books speak to different folks!

      I’m on book 5 of the Mrs Pollifax series as well, and have The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker and This Is Happiness by Niall Williams (a gift to me) on my shelf to read next.

      1. word nerd*

        I didn’t *dislike* Penumbra, but I think any book would have had a hard time matching my expectations after Moonbound! Agreed about books speaking to different folks. :)

        And report back on This Is Happiness please! I really enjoyed it, and I feel like it kicked off a pleasant Irish reading kick for me a couple years ago. (Williams’s old memoir of his first year in Ireland after living in Manhattan also helped me understand This Is Happiness better too.)

    42. Elizabeth West*

      Finishing up Jonathan Maberry’s first Joe Ledger book, Patient Zero. It’s SCARY. I love Jonathan; he does these writing webinars that only cost $50, and all the money goes to charities (he favors orgs that help victims of domestic violence and no-kill animal shelters). And I started House of Bone and Rain by Gabino Iglesias (love him too).

    43. Tradd*

      I finally finished A Court of Silver Flames, the last book in the Court of Thorns and Roses series. Started it a few weeks back and just couldn’t get into it. Tried again and loved it. From reading online, it seems there is going to be at least one more book in the series.

      I’m doing another re-read of Fourth Wing and Iron Flame.

    44. carolinawrensuperfan*

      I LOVED sourdough, but I also read Robin Sloan’s books in their publishing order, so I was able to enjoy the growth. I’d say give it a go! I still think about Sourdough a ton.

    1. Lala*

      my cat is using the new cat bed/house I got last January and she is very cute on it. Plus, she’s in a public part of the house!

    3. Cat and dog fosterer*

      My fosters are adopted! It was fun, but a lot of work, and I’m thrilled the adopters are now doing that work instead of me. I haven’t done an adoption in a couple years and I’m really glad it went well.

    5. WoodswomanWrites*

      I take a lot of road trips and go camping and hiking, with snacks, etc. on the passenger seat. Over time, I had some containers with oily ingredients like hummus, etc. leak all over it. My philosophy is that a car is a utilitarian machine, but this was over the top even for me. I was embarrassed about driving my sister, who’s coming for a visit tomorrow, and having her sit on that gross fabric. So I took it to a full-service car wash. It hasn’t been this clean in two and a half years since… um, my sister sold me the car that was previously hers.

    6. chocolate muffins*

      Two friends of mine are expecting a baby basically any minute now and I was glad to have dinner with them this week. It’s exciting to think that the next time I see them, they will be parents and there will be a whole new person there too! And also very nice to spend time with just them, especially when I’m guessing the next many times we see each other will include kids (theirs and/or mine).

    7. Mobie's Mom Now*

      I’m vacationing with family as we celebrate a professional milestone for my husband. It’s nice! Husband and I moved away from family 2 1/2 years ago, so time like this with family is hard to come by, and I miss it.

    8. Annie Edison*

      I recently got connected with a volunteer organization in my neighborhood and did my first volunteer shift this week. It felt so good to get back into helping with a cause that I believe in, and to have some new friendly faces in my area

    9. goddessoftransitory*

      Made a new pastitsio recipe this week and it turned out delicious! I was worried it wouldn’t be worth the work but it completely was!

      Also, after tomorrow temperatures should be dropping down into the seventies for the foreseeable, and pretty much an end to the heat waves for the year.

      1. dapfloodle*

        Oh man, you just reminded me that I told my husband I’d make Ina Garten’s version again sometime relatively soon, maybe for Thanksgiving, because I keep forgetting about it! Thanks!

    10. The Dude Abides*

      One night, my 5yo refused to go to bed until she got some snuggles with dad.

      I’d driven straight from work to see my dad in a nursing home 25 miles away and take him to dinner (we do Wednesday dinner and Sunday lunch), and it was a rough day between work and finding out someone stole my father’s TV, so hearing that as soon as I got home was a much needed pick-me-up.

    11. tangerine*

      Woke up early twice this week. The first time, the sunrise was stunning. The second, I got to see Jupiter before it got too light.

    13. Bethlam*

      Back story: My sister is a big fan of Pentatonix. They had a Christmas concert scheduled for a city 4 hours from us last year, so we got tickets, booked a hotel.

      A getaway like that isn’t something we ordinarily do, so we were really excited. And then . . . I got my cancer diagnosis and they scheduled a surgical biopsy – on the day of the concert. Had to cancel our trip, obviously. So disappointed.

      A month or so ago, I checked their concert schedule for this year, hoping to surprise my sister with tickets as her retirement present (her last day is next Friday, which is another joy,, after 41 years with the same company). However, there was nothing close enough to make it work.

      The joy: found out on Thursday they added concert dates, and one of them is in our city!! Tickets bought!!!

    14. GoryDetails*

      Alison’s “Cats of AAM” post!

      Closer to home: a lovely stretch of weather, not too hot, not too wet, just perfect…

    16. Bike Walk Barb*

      Brought home a big bag of free apples a couple of days ago, then yesterday on a bike ride with my husband for an appointment I gleaned more apples from a roadside tree and got multiple bags of free pears in a yard not far from our home. Today, I do a lot of canning things with pears and apples! The especially sweet thing about the pears was that each bag had a printed note explaining they were windfalls, they’d been reasonably culled to avoid ones the deer had nibbled on, and describing the way that pears ripen quickly for those who might not know. Such a nice thing to do!

      The ongoing joy is that I live in a neighborhood with a ton of free stuff, signaling generosity and avoidance of capitalism where possible. My Buy Nothing group is super active and people put things out by the curb, including food this time of year when harvest is overflowing. At one point in my life I suppose I might have been embarrassed, or thought I should leave things for people who need them. Now I just figure it won’t go to waste if I take it and I celebrate the generosity. A couple of years ago when I made apple pear butter from two trees in my immediate neighborhood I dropped off a small jar with a thank-you note for the two households whose fruit I had used.

    17. Agnes Grey*

      Learning that Kate Atkinson has a new Jackson Brodie book out! I had missed the news that it was impending, so to find out that it’s already out in the world is a treat. I love her stand-alone novels too (some more than others), but I’ve been missing that series.

    18. Filosofickle*

      I’m ready for vacation! Clothes are laid out, remaining tickets are booked, and all important info is where it needs to be :D

    19. dapfloodle*

      Went to see a DJ who we’ve been wanting to see for close to 20 years, usually his tours come nowhere near where we live, the last time that I know of that he did perform nearby it was on New Year’s Eve and we just couldn’t convince ourselves to deal with all of the hassle of being out late that night in the nearby big city. Now we live near a different, slightly smaller big city (both of the cities I’m talking about number in the millions), and were able to see him in a smaller and more laid-back atmosphere and it was great!

    20. Monkey's Paw Manicure*

      Got rid of three boxes of records we haven’t listened to for 30+ years! Left them on the curb and someone took them. I hope they like them!

    21. Broken scones*

      I downloaded duolingo and decided to try learning Japanese on a whim… I’m now up to an 86 day streak! I really didn’t expect to have this habit stick, but here I am :)

    22. allathian*

      Harvested our first potatoes this year. Just the right amount for three people, including a teen with a growing teenager’s appetite.

    23. BellaStella*

      Hiked yesterday and saw some cool mushrooms, moths, birds, and a chamois. Today I took an online test that may help me with the place we don’t chat about on weekends (looks like I passed). I made a nice lunch today of lentils, risone (pasta), and flax seeds that was really awesome!

    24. Elizabeth West*

      I went downtown yesterday to see Beetlejuice Beetlejuice at the Alamo Drafthouse. I enjoyed it thoroughly. A bit busy, but a worthy sequel!

      Coming back over the Moakley Bridge, I paused to look at the boats. It was a little humid yesterday, and the cool breeze felt SO NICE. I wish I could live closer to the water, but I guess it’s good that I can’t since I would have to worry about storm surge, etc. Plus, the Seaport district is stupid expensive. But I like it here. There’s a new mural going up at Dewey Square. Boston has a lot of cool public art. Walking around the city makes me feel like I’m on vacation — it’s so reminiscent of being in London.

      I had to go past OldWorkplace on the way back to the Orange line and gave it the stinkeye, lol.

    26. Might Be Spam*

      I was just watching some teenage boys tossing balls across the street. They yelled “Car” every time one approached and looked safety conscious, so I didn’t worry. They had some kind of point system that I couldn’t figure out. Eventually one yelled “I win” and that was the end of the game and everyone went inside.
      There’s more traffic noise than I’m used to, but everyone I’ve seen in the neighborhood seems reasonable, so far. So I am happy that I moved into this apartment. My neighbors are happy to have me here, because I replaced the neighborhood problem tenants.

      1. Might Be Spam*

        Clarification: The boys were on both sides of the street throwing the balls over the road. (Ambiguity bothers me.)

  4. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I’m still working through my latest Fire Emblem Three Houses run. Last night I made the big choice: Edelgard vs. Rhea. (To the surprise of no one who knows me, I chose Edelgard.)

    2. Banana Pyjamas*

      On my phone I’m back into Disney Emoji Blitz. I could see this game being a pay-to-win for completionists, but for me who just wants cute emojis, it’s great. On Xbox my husband and I are playing Alice Return to Madness. It’s insanely hard, and we’re glad to be playing on the easiest setting.

    3. D'Euly*

      My four-year-old has really enjoyed First Orchard by Haba. I love how solid it is and, incidentally, how it doesn’t provide choking hazards for the baby. Any recs for a second game for him? He reads and is beginning to get the idea of addition, but not subtraction.

    4. Girasol*

      Guild Wars just released the Janthir update – beautiful place, terrific story. My guild friends and I are loving it.

  5. Crash*

    Hey everyone, I was unfortunately in a car accident earlier this week (my first ever). I was at fault – I spaced out at an intersection and moved forward while another car was there and hit their passenger side door. Thankfully everyone is safe but I am embarrassed and ashamed, as well as freaking out about how we will pay for the repairs – the other driver got an estimate for almost $3,500! Not that it changes any of this but, for what it’s worth, I was spacing out due to heartbreaking news I received a couple days prior about family members. This makes me scared that I won’t be able to handle future strong emotions well – any advice or commiseration? thx

    2. Daisy*

      Yep. I went through a period of severe emotional trauma and that was when I had my first car accident, too!

      Honestly, if you are dissociating or shutting down mentally/emotionally from sad or shocking news, that is fine, that is normal, and that is your mind shutting down to the extent that you are only processing what you can handle at any particular moment. Think of it the same as if you had difficulty putting weight on a foot after a sprained ankle.

      You can find a therapist or a psychiatrist to help take the edge off, but honestly the best thing can also be to be sure to build rest and slack into your schedule after stressful news. Watch dumb TV, walk around the yard 27 times, or stare at a wall are all your friends here.

      Best wishes for things improving.

    3. peter b*

      This is what insurance is for – even if you don’t have comprehensive or “full” coverage, you should have liability coverage precisely to cover that other persons repairs. If you call your insurer, there will be someone from claims who can talk you through the process specific to your situation. (I used to work in auto insurance as licensed support staff.)d

      That aside, if you’re a newer driver, it’s expected statistically you’ll probably have a crash within your first few years. If you’ve been driving a while, congratulations on making it however many years til now! Accidents are unfortunately commonplace, and it sounds like your situation was not your normal emotional state. I totaled my first car (omw home from the auto job interview, ha) after an all-nighter, so I try and be extra careful about not driving when tired. You can’t control bad news, or even sometimes when it hits you, but if you can plan ahead a bit that’s some peace of mind. For me, I know what friends I can stay with if I get too tired and I save money for situations I would need to get a rideshare to be safe. I rarely even need these, but that and a neutral vigilance about how I feel helps. I’m sorry about the difficult news, and hope you get a little peace this weekend.

    4. WoodswomanWrites*

      I had an experience that was almost identical. It sounds like the only apparent change is that the cause of my emotional state was different than yours.

      Assuming you have insurance, that’s what it’s for. Your premium will go up but if you don’t have any more accidents, it will be reduced after three years of a clean driving record.

      Your accident isn’t an indicator that you won’t be able to handle future strong emotions well. This was a one-time event. In my case, I used it as a lesson to make sure that I’m a careful driver. If I’m emotional and therefore distracted, I take a few moments before starting the car to remember I’m behind the wheel now. Whatever is causing the difficult emotions isn’t gone, it’s just stored in a mental cupboard for a while so I can focus on being behind the wheel.

      I know how easy it is to replay the scene over and over again and wish it had been different. Can you give yourself grace that you made a mistake, and not let that translate to fear that you won’t be able to manage your emotions going forward?

    5. ThatGirl*

      Did you exchange insurance info with the other driver? This is exactly what insurance is for.

      I’ve been at fault in a couple accidents in my life, and the most recent one was eight years ago the day of my husband’s grandfather’s funeral. I felt so stupid and so awful. But it was ok – insurance handled it, my car needed repairs too, and I knew after that that I needed to make sure my head was clear when driving.

    6. Ochre*

      It’s possible the other driver was telling you this to give you the option of not going through insurance (which can make your rate go up) and just paying for the repair yourself. Which might be nice, except it sounds like an accident report was already filed (as it should be unfortunately) and so your insurance will probably be calculated accordingly anyway.

      Definitely do not just give this person $3500! (I don’t think it’s a scam to just offer to settle for cash, but if you don’t have the cash then you’re probably better off letting the insurance companies handle it. That’s why you have insurance. IANAL, so apply salt accordingly.)

      I’m sorry about your family news. I don’t think you’re doomed to always be distracted: now you know about this reaction and you can more actively say to yourself “no ruminating until we get home!” (it might not be *that* simple, but now you know it’s something you need to pay attention to.)

    7. ThatOtherClare*

      I’m sorry you had two awful things happen in such a short space of time. I’d be freaking out too, it sounds awful! Rest assured though, spacing out as a response to strong emotions is very normal. The only defence any of us have is to be aware that it happens and plan around it. So in future you might find it helpful if you try to treat things like bereavement similarly to the aftermath of sugery as the anaesthesia wears off: don’t make big life decisions, lean on those people who ask ‘how can I help’ to do dangerous things like drive you around or mow your lawn or prep food with sharp knives, and if you can’t avoid things like driving give yourself extra time so you can stop and pull over if you notice yourself spacing out. My best wishes to you and your family, and I hope this is the end of your nasty surprises.

      1. Crash*

        unfortunately we looked into it and don’t have collision insurance (what is the point of having insurance then!). apparently it wasn’t worth the premium because our car is so old and therefore worth very little. really kicking myself over it but what can you do.

          1. CityMouse*

            Yes, legally your insurance should cover the other guy. That’s why you’re legally required to have insurance, to protect others.

        2. fhqwhgads*

          Collision would cover the damage to your vehicle – hence not having it when the car is not worth very much.
          Liability insurance – which you’re required to have – covers the other person’s damage, even when it’s due to a collision.

        3. Rusty Shackelford*

          Collision insurance covers damage to *your* car. If you have any insurance at all, you should have liability, which covers damage you cause to other people’s cars.

    9. tangerine*

      It’s not unusual to have a car accident when you’re reeling from bad news. Since others are dealing with the insurance, I’ll say this: dealing with bad news is a skill. The more bad news you get in your life, the more you understand how to deal with it, and how *you* will deal with it. (usual caveats: some news is *much* worse than others, some things you always grieve, and my experience etc)

    10. The OG Sleepless*

      It happens! Please don’t be too hard on yourself. My son spaced on the way home from an absurdly demanding job and drifted a little out of his lane…unfortunately it was on a major city interstate and mayhem ensued. The airbags and seat belt saved his life. It was a good lesson on just how much your mental state can affect the tiniest things you do. It’s ok.

    11. Katie A*

      It sucks that happened, two upsetting things so close together sound hard! I hope everything works out with the payment.

      Maybe you are bad at dealing with strong emotions, at least while driving. That’s normal, to some extent. It just may be that you have to forgo driving while you’re dealing with fresh emotion. Driving is a big and dangerous responsibility, and it’s hard. Adding strong feelings to that makes it more difficult and dangerous.

      If you’re concerned about how you might deal with strong emotions in the future, which it sounds like you are, it might be helpful to talk to a professional about how to identify when you’re not in a good place to drive.

    12. Anonosaurus*

      having a momentary lapse of concentration at a difficult time doesn’t mean you can’t cope with difficult emotions generally or in future. people make mistakes and that’s why we have insurance. I do think that if one is in crisis to the extent of being unable to control oneself or the car (im thinking driving to the hospital when someone is dying level of overwhelm) it might be wise for anyone to consider whether it’s safe to drive but it sounds like you were preoccupied and suffered a short lapse of concentration, which many others have done for many reasons, so try not.to overgeneralize.

    13. RagingADHD*

      What does it mean to you to handle difficult emotions well?

      What value do you ascribe to it? Why is it important?

      I encourage you to consider whether your concept and value of handling things are realistic or healthy.

      Difficult emotions are painful and hard. It is completely normal to be preoccupied or to fall apart. It is not normal to be totally stoic and unaffected. It is healthy to seek support. It is healthy to recognize when you may not be up to your regular responsibilities and ask for help in getting them taken care of.

      As long as you are not being mean to people, handling difficult emotions is about doing what you need to do to get through it. You made a mistake and it sucks, but nobody got hurt.

      I hope you can cut yourself some slack, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with a tough situation.

    14. Doctor is Out*

      I also just had an accident, just did not see the other vehicle, all of a sudden….air bags. Fortunately only very minor injuries but car was totaled. It is very upsetting but that will fade with time. Hope you can forgive yourself.

    15. Anon Teacher*

      That sounds awful! I’m glad you’re OK! if it helps, I had a similar accident. I was thinking about a troubled student and went past a stop sign. the good news is that was six years ago now, and I haven’t had any accidents. I suppose it was a warning sign that I needed to manage stress a little better, but it’s very possible to do that

    16. Catherine*

      Oh yes it happens, sorry that is all going on!! Yo will be fine soon and I don’t think it will happen again. Look after yourself x

    17. Crash*

      Thank you everyone who shared their own experiences and above and kind words. I shared my insurance info but was worried about going through insurance because of our rate increasing. But I guess those who have said so are right – that’s what it’s for. Hopefully we would be able to absorb the additional cost to insurance more than a sudden expense like this.

      And as far as coping with bad news – yeah, there were a lot of things going on (bad news + school starting + upcoming travel) so I definitely think I pushed myself to get too much done in one short period. I was on the way from doing something that was an absolute necessity to something I had decided to do then, but really was optional. Good lesson for the future. Thankfully I have other options for getting around most of the time and will lean on those more for the time being. Thanks again for all the compassion.

  6. Daisy*

    I have just come back from Germany, The Land of No Capseisin, and I am trying to make up for lost time. Please give me all your best spicy food recommendations!

    1. WellRed*

      I love spicy Thai food and anything Cajun or spicy Tex mex. I’m awaiting delivery of some chipotle sauce which I love.

        1. Not Sure If I'm Retired*

          It can kind of taste like that, I agree! Maybe the hot juxtaposed with the sweet?
          Anyway…ADDICTIVE!!

    3. AcademiaNut*

      So it wasn’t just me – I went for Ethiopian in Germany last year, because I can’t get it locally, and it was tasty, but I think they may have gently waved a chili pepper in the general vicinity and that was all.

      I’m a big fan of mala flavouring, which is based on Sichuan pepper and dried chilis, giving you the hit of the chilis and the tingly feeling from the Sichuan pepper (mala means hot and numbing). Mapo tofu, kung pao chicken, fish fragrant eggplant (which doesn’t have fish). For best results you really do need fresh peppers rather something that’s been sitting in the cupboard for months.

    4. beep beep*

      Korean food! If it’s getting colder where you are, make a big pot of kimchi jjigae (stew). Maangchi is a great website with lots of recipes.

    7. tangerine*

      My friend makes a delicious stir-fry: lots of grated ginger 4 tbps or more for 2 people, a huge amount of chili-garlic sauce, and some hoisin sauce (basically sugar), and a bit of sesame oil. Spicy in two different ways!

    8. Professor Plum*

      I just prepped a bushel of roasted hatch chilis for the freezer—available in your favorite level of spicy from mild to x-hot. Will use them in making chili rellenos egg casserole and pork green chile.

    9. Bike Walk Barb*

      Get Korean chili crisp and put it on everything. Gochujang too. I make air-fried tofu from a recipe that also includes peanut ramen with gochujan on the tofu and in the ramen sauce. I hold back a little but you could oomph it up. The tofu on its own is good enough to eat off the baking sheet. I’ll share the link in a reply.

    10. carcinization*

      Check out the Homesick Texan website if you aren’t familiar with it already. She basically puts chiles in everything, even desserts! I am not nearly the spice-hound she is so I often reduce the amount of spice, but you could certainly go full-bore. The recipe of hers I have in heaviest rotation is the Tex-Mex Squash Casserole but she has plenty of other great ones, and most of them are spicy!

    12. slowingaging*

      I made hatch pepper, shishito pepper, sriracha, cream cheese, red pepper flake dip. It was great

    13. TheBunny*

      While not the point, this makes me want to go there even more. I think hot sauce from Taco Bell is spicy so this sounds delightful to me!

  7. Falling Diphthong*

    Story recommendations: I have just started reading The Cautious Traveller’s Guide to the Wastelands, which I am quite enjoying. Set in 1899, about what happens on a sealed train crossing the fantastical wasteland that was once Siberia. Anyone have any recs about books that stood out to you for their evocation of a place to explore?

    1. word nerd*

      I recently listened to Clear by Carys Davies, a novella set on a very remote Scottish island. The prose was gorgeous with an evocative setting, and the narration by Russ Bain was wonderfully done with a perfect accent.

    2. Helvetica*

      One of the latest to do that was “The Essex Serpent” – the prose is so beautiful and evocative that I really felt like being among the fog and gray of the landscape.
      Sidenote – I prefer the book to the TV series because I think the series handled many things wrong but if you treat them almost as two separate pieces of fiction, the series is good. It is just not close to the book (Claire Danes was such a miscasting, in my opinion, not at all like Cora in the book).

      1. Sharp-dressed Boston Terrier*

        That’s actually good to know – I watched the series a while ago and while I enjoyed it, I wasn’t exactly captivated by it. I’ll look around for the book!

    3. Pieforbreakfast*

      Piranesi by Sussana Clark- the fictional space she created enthralled me and I still think about it. Some reviews I’ve seen thought the story wasn’t good, it took me a bit to get into but once I got use to the storytelling voice I was all in. Which was the same with her first book.

    4. carcinization*

      Not sure if this counts but Cooper’s Dark is Rising series, which I read as a child, certainly resulted in a desire to go to Wales, which I have not yet fulfilled as a middle-aged person.

    5. I take tea*

      I loved Maria Turtschaninoff’s Maresi for many reasons, but the descriptions of the work and the food and the island where they live made me want to go there.

    6. I take tea*

      Quite different, but one journey that always have fascinated me is Thor Heyerdal’s Kon-Tiki Expedition, about a journey by raft across the Pacific Ocean from South America to the Polynesian Islands in 1947 to prove that the Polynesian could have come that way. I must have read the book several times. I would never do such a journey myself, but I enjoy reading about the daily life onboard. Get an illustrerated copy, if you can! Lovely pictures by one of the members, who was an artist.

  8. Falling Diphthong*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    Finishing up Justified. I think the last season is dragged down by some poor plot choices in the penultimate season, but on the other hand we had Winn Duffy popping in to meet his co-schemer who turns out to be watching some small children for the afternoon, and Winn is absolutely gobsmacked by this and it is delightful.

    Looking forward to starting Seasons 4 of Slow Horses and Only Murders in the Building next.

    1. Anon Poster*

      I started You’re the Worst, which I’ve been meaning to watch for literal years, and I was fully in at episode 1. It gives me Fleabag vibes. Very terrible characters, but they’re very enjoyable to watch, and something about it feels so real and relatable to me, even though I wouldn’t want to spend time around any of these people in real life. I’m looking forward to getting further into it.

      I’m also excited for the new season of Only Murders in the Building, I love that show so much.

      1. Annie Edison*

        I loved You’re the Worst! I felt like it had such an honest portrayal of what depression feels like. I binged all of season 1 and then my interest dropped off after that- I’ll have to go back and revisit sometime

      2. Helvetica*

        Ah, “You’re the Worst” is such a good terrible show! Season 2 and 3 have amazing stand-alone episodes about mental health, and I would nominate the finale as one the best that maintained character growth but remained true to its origins. A marvel of a show.

      3. Bike Walk Barb*

        “Inside the Factory” is our go-to when we don’t want to start a movie or continue a fiction series. Delightfully enthusiastic hosts Gregg, Cherry, and Ruth follow the process of something being made at a UK factory, some part of the supply chain with the science behind it, and the history of the product.

        Gregg is a giant 10-year-old boy full of astonishment and enthusiasm and loves numbers. “1,400 tonnes of [product] an hour?! Wow!! That’s amazing!” He cheers on people doing highly repetitive work and they mostly seem to love the appreciation and attention. Cherry takes one for the team; she bit into a Carolina Reaper pepper on an episode we watched recently. Ruth is a redhead who wears a lot of bright red and other bright colors so she practically vibrates on the screen and explains something about the history of the product, like why vacuuming is called “hoovering” and who invented the actual vacuum cleaner.

    2. An Omynous*

      I watched Devils (Korean movie) which I would recommend if that’s your genre, and watching Alex Rider s3 which just wants to make me read the books to see everything that’s been changed

        1. Bike Walk Barb*

          Wait, no, wrong show! Head smack in embarrassment. I saw “Detective” and spaced that the show I just started is about an Indian man who’s on the police force in Toronto and travels back to visit his dad in Mumbai. It’s called “The Indian Detective” and the titles are so much alike.

          I promise I know the difference between Turkey and India.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Decided to try out Perfect Couple over lunch, and omg it’s Donny Lynn Champlin (Paula from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend) as the detective! I am now all in.

        The rest of the cast is good, and I am already rooting for Thomas to be murdered, preferably in a really humiliating way.

    5. The Prettiest Curse*

      Just saw Robot Dreams, which is an animated film about the friendship between a dog and a robot in 1980s New York. It’s very sad in some ways, very uplifting in other ways and has a bittersweet ending that will mess you up for days. Highly recommended.

    6. A313*

      I’ve been watching Cold Case — a 20-year-old series on Amazon. As the title suggests, they are solving cold cases, and so far (I’m still in season 1), they do wrap up each case. They are all bittersweet, but I’m enjoying the music they choose from the year (I’m sure approximately) of each cold case — it adds to the setting when they are showing the past. However, I’m fascinated by Detective Rush’s hairstyle — it often looks unclean and not flattering to her, I don’t think. And if a show about cold cases can be kind of cozy, that’s the vibe I’ve gotten (maybe it’s just me).

      1. GoryDetails*

        I love “Cold Case”! Watched it faithfully when it first aired, and as it cycles around some of my cable channels in reruns I often catch favorite episodes again. The use of period music for each case added to the ambiance (bonus points to the “Rocky Horror” episode, with Barry Bostwick as guest star!), and I really came to like all the main characters. And, every once in a while, they managed a happy ending – though usually the best they could do was to get answers and justice for those long dead.

      2. The Prettiest Curse*

        I never watched that show, but I remember there was a lot of controversy about the lead detective’s hairstyles when it originally aired. TV Guide seemed to publish at least one letter a month from someone who seemed to think Western civilisation was about to collapse because a woman on TV had slightly messy hair. I think they eventually changed it in later seasons. And then people complained that the new hairstyle looked weird!

        1. A313*

          Hahaha — surprise, a woman can’t win! She’s very attractive, so maybe the hairstyle choice is supposed to reflect her very troubled upbringing and its emotional effects on her somehow?

          I also forgot to mention her cats, Olivia (who has one eye), and Tripod!

      3. EngineerGal*

        There was a MadTV sketch about Cold Case where the ghost victim at the end is handing Rush a hairbrush

        I loved the show but her hair drove me nuts!! The character would have just put her hair in a ponytail – not had that weird teased/product-y mess

        2. A313*

          I found the MADtv sketch — the scene where the victim appears and mimes and mouths “brush your hair” to Detective Rush was great — and spot on!

    8. allathian*

      Started the 4th season of Enterprise.
      Watching the occasional episode of The X-files, can’t remember which season, though.
      Also watching a great documentary about Alexander the Great, Alexander, the Making of a God.

    9. Unkempt Flatware*

      I just discovered From by MGM. It is on Prime and a few other streamers I think. It’s a horror series about people who get stuck in a town they can’t leave with monsters who come out at night. I saw that Stephen King said it was his favorite show so I checked it out. It is really really good so far. I’m in that phase where I just want to rewatch the same episodes over and over to make it last longer.

    10. Chaordic One*

      I recently watched the first episode of the Netflix series, “Monsieur Spade,” where the intrepid American detective (played by Clive Owen) retires to a quiet life in the French countryside only to have his life upended when an old adversary returns. The ending of the first episode was much darker than even I (someone who as turned into a very cynical person) expected, but I’m hooked.

      Also recently and unexpectedly ran into an old murder mystery movie, “The Last of Sheila,” which I loved. Based on an original screenplay by Anthony Perkins and Stephen Sondheim and originally released in 1973, it holds up very well. It incorporates a lot of the standard murder mystery tropes, while managing to also break many of them. It had an unexpected (at least by me) and delightful twist ending.

      1. Aquatic*

        I just re-watched The Last of Sheila — such a delight! One of those movies that make me wish I could hang out with its makers.

    11. GoryDetails*

      I keep forgetting to mention this one – a Chewy commercial featuring a handsome ginger cat and the apparently-clueless-about-cats couple who adopt him. (You can see it on YouTube: “New Cat: A Chewy Story” – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nctMHaoCfXE )

      I like the commercial so much that every time it’s on I watch the entire thing – though I do wonder whether that cat was really a stray, or some neighbor’s bored-and-spoiled cat who just decided to check things out with the new folks. It looks like a very social, sleek, well-fed cat to me!

      Anyway, the guy sees the cat lolling under the car, calls it out and takes it to his girlfriend – handing it to her with a “here’s our new friend, talk later” before dashing on his way, so NOT the best example of How To Adopt A Cat. But it’s charming and funny – and so very “ginger,” as the cat knocks things off of the shelves and scratches the furniture, steals the toilet paper and caps things off by sitting on the guy’s head when everyone’s in bed. My own ginger cat could double for the one in the ad, so maybe that’s part of the reason I like it so much? [Seriously, though – at least show a moment of having the cat checked for a microchip!]

    12. Honoria Lucasta*

      I just finished watching the show Sugar on Apple+ and it was absolutely delightful. it looks like it’s going to start as one thing, and then it turns into something a little different part way through, and the second direction. might not be everybody’s favorite, but I thought it was great. The premise at the start is that Colin Farrell plays a private investigator looking into a missing persons case in Los Angeles. He also loves classic movies, so there’s a lot of cutting back and forth between scenes from Humphrey Bogart classics and what’s happening in the main story. Atmospherically it’s just spot on.

  9. WoodswomanWrites, seeking outdoor recommendations for Michigan*

    In October, I’m traveling to Michigan for about a week to be part of a volunteer effort. I can choose which part of the state I want to go to, with the only exclusion being major urban areas (Detroit, Flint, Grand Rapids, Lansing, etc.). I grew up in Detroit many years ago, but I wasn’t an outdoorsy person back then.

    I’m realizing I’ll be there during peak bird migration season and likely fall colors as well. I will have my days free until about 2:00. I’d like to spend that time somewhere in the Lower Peninsula hiking and also visiting locations to stare at birds. I’ll have a car to get around.

    While I plan to poke around online for destinations, I appreciate any recommendations. Although I have particular interests in wetland birds and raptors, I love them all. It would be fun to be near the coast but not essential.

    1. WoodswomanWrites, seeking outdoor recommendations for Michigan*

      To clarify, I need to stay in the same general area the whole time I’m there. I can’t drive to a different part of the state every day.

      1. Unemployed in Greenland*

        !!! Is there any chance you can get to Grand Traverse / Traverse Bay? or the area near the Manitou islands?

        The reason I ask is that those areas are stunning, year-round, and – well, I’m not 100% an expert at bird migration (except for realizing that the kingfisher I saw diving, on the big lake, should have been in the nearby wetlands*), but I know that there are oodles of small lakes, rivers, and wetlands, etc, feeding Lake MI and Lake Huron. so your chances of seeing bird taking a pit stop at any of those places could be pretty high.

        … you can tell I’m not an expert on bird migration, yeah?**

        In conclusion, though, Traverse and/or the Manitou would provide some fantastic hiking / vistas for you.

        *the kingfisher might have just wanted to spice up their life a bit.
        **This is why I tell myself I shouldn’t have been worried about the kingfisher.

        1. Unemployed in Greenland*

          *clarifying in turn: for the Manitou islands proper, you’d need a ferry, which might not be possible given your schedule. I haven’t been to the shore across from them, but I assume it’s as gorgeous as any of the shore up there. Traverse Bay has the biggest dunes, though. And the advantage of going there in October is that it’s off-season for tourism!

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      If it were me, I’d probably go west coast – Holland maybe? Or Traverse City? Nice to get some water views.

    3. CityMouse*

      If you’re in Ann Arbor at all, either the Arboretum or the parks along the Huron River would be quick and easy stops.

    4. Banana Pyjamas*

      New Buffalo or St. Joseph. In addition to being on Lake Michigan, you’d be in the St. Joseph River Valley. There are three different Nature preserves on the edge of New Buffalo, and a water marsh trail for kayaking. There’s a couple of kayak rental spots in town as well. There’s also lots of great restaurants in New Buffalo.

      The Indiana Dunes National Lakeshore is about 40 minutes from New Buffalo, and it’s a straight shot on 12. Berrien County is also Michigan Wine Country.

      The wine trails are a bit further north as you head into St. Joe. If you stay in St. Joe there’s a nature preserve there, and one across the river in Benton Harbor. And of course there’s Silver Beach Pizza; we usually try to make it a couple times per year. There’s always a wait, but you’re right on the lake front in Silver Beach County park.

      1. Morning Reader*

        This is my area! I will recommend Chikaming Open Lands as well as the state parks (Warren Dunes, Warren Woods, Grand Mere) and county Love Creek. Kayaking the Galien, which flows into Lake Michigan at New Buffalo, there are eagles, herons and egrets. (And many more but I’m not a birder so not sure of particulars.) As for hiking, how are you with hills? The lakefront from Indiana north has beautiful dunes but climbing is hard on my knees these days. Flatter inland. In terms of color, check color prediction maps for your week. It’s spectacular further north earlier in the month but I think all the west coast towns, saugatuck, south haven, Muskegon, on up to the Leelanau Peninsula, Sleeping Bear, Traverse City, all have good opportunities for what you have in mind. Down south here we have wineries, breweries, dispensaries galore, if you’re into any of that.

        1. Banana Pyjamas*

          Oh yeah, down the dunes can actually be very painful if you have an unstable SI joint. The downside (ba-dum-tiss)of New Buffalo is you have to walk down the dune from the parking lot. Meanwhile St. Joe is flat.

          1. Morning Reader*

            Oh that’s not the dune, that’s just the slope down to the beach. The dunes are much higher. (The dune at New Buffalo has a new boardwalk path, stairs up to it.)
            St. Joe is not so much flat as on a bluff. Long set of stairs down to Silver Beach. You are correct that it’s all lovely!

            1. Banana Pyjamas*

              Silver Beach County park has parking at the bottom, you don’t have to take the stairs. I didn’t realize there was a big dune at New Buffalo. I’ve only been like once even though I pay for the parking pass when I register my plates. I have littles though, so we’re really just there to play at the edge of the water.

              1. Morning Reader*

                Good point! I’m too cheap to pay for parking. The hills at NB are not impressive by local standards, I don’t think. Warren Dunes are the steepest down here. Most of the local beaches only charge for parking in the summer. If Woodwoman is visiting in October, that’s before deerhunting season, but I’d recommend wearing a bit of orange at least if exploring. It’s legal to hunt other animals at different times. The areas where it’s allowed or not are usually well marked but it’s prudent to be cautious. But then being a woodswoman, she probably knows this already.

                2. WoodswomanWrites*

                  Good advice if I decide to visit public lands where hunting is allowed. Thanks for the link to the hunting season calendar.

    5. Helewise*

      That time frame will be at or near peak color season in most of Lower Michigan, so it should be beautiful! It might also make it pricier or harder to find reservations in certain areas. Northern Lower Michigan, in the general vicinity of Sleeping Bear Dunes, I think is probably one of the very best places for hiking and general beauty in Michigan, but there are a lot of state and county parks that are good for hiking and (so I hear) birding as well all along lakeshore on the west side. I think Saginaw Bay on the east side is good for birders as well; I’m not as familiar with the hiking over there anymore.

    6. WoodswomanWrites*

      Wow, so much great info. I love researching destinations, so I’ll check these out. Thanks!

    7. Don’t make me come over there*

      It’s a shame that Detroit is out, because downriver is one of the best spots in the country to observe the fall raptor migration. If you get a chance in the future, check out the Detroit River International Wildlife Refuge.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I’m actually going to stop in Detroit for a couple days after my volunteer gig, to visit friends there. Thanks for the tip!

    8. Christmas Carol*

      If you grew up in Detroit, pick one of the western sites, i.e. Grand Rapids or Lansing. Lansing is the home of Michigan State University, a beautiful campus, and GR is less than an hour from Lake Michigan, aka, The Big Lake, the most beautiul fresh water beaches in the world. We’ve also been known to call it The Malibu of the Midwest. The only other advice I can give is that great Michigan instutition, “Up North”

  10. Valancy Stirling*

    Procrastination thread! What have you been putting off? Go do the thing!

    I have to finally learn how to use my new drill and put up a few paintings.

    1. Writerling*

      Finishing a short story and taking notes on recorded lectures (which is so slow going and my note taking is still craptastic) :’)

    3. Tinamedte*

      Good idea! I need to finish that pile of sewing on my living room table already. Just quick, tiny mending projects; adding a strap here, mending a hole there… today it gets done!

    4. Tiny clay insects*

      Cleaning my upstairs bathroom. Also, editing a novel. Also, going to the gym. It all seems so hard!

    5. The OG Sleepless*

      I just finished something I’ve been putting off. I had two gigantic trees taken down in my front yard a few years ago, and that space was transformed overnight from deep shade to full sunlight. I had to completely revamp the plantings in that space. So anyway, this morning I dug up the remaining roots of two rhododendron and some hellebores, raked the area smooth, and mulched to whole area. Whew.

    6. GoryDetails*

      Oh, dear. I have so many things languishing on the to-do list, from replacing my kitchen range (the oven died months and months ago and I’ve been getting along using the burners and a separate toaster-oven, but I miss the full-sized oven) to replacing the clothes dryer (months and months of draping the spun-dry laundry on the furniture nearest the A/C vents – works pretty well but it’s messy), getting my long-overgrown yard cleared and landscaped, scheduling a dermatologist checkup (that one’s easy and can be done online, I just keep forgetting), finishing my medical-directive paperwork (halfway done for YEARS – it’s not that I am nervous about it or at all uncertain, I just keep forgetting about it)… Oh, and decluttering the basement so the heating-and-cooling team can get in to do the (overdue) checkup on my furnace before winter hits.

      I’m really, really good at procrastinating! If only the appliances nagged me the way the cats do when they want to be fed or played with… (Though, come to think of it, the cats do NOT nag me about their own vet appointments, so I have to remember to do that as well. Sigh.)

    7. Bike Walk Barb*

      Mending mending mending. My cat, nicknamed Mothra, eats holes in clothing, particularly merino wool and other wools but also things like the edges of scarves.

      I need to learn how to do needle felting to fix a couple of small holes. I need to decide if I really genuinely like the look of visible mending, which is what it would take to fix some other things. And I have a few things I can just cut off and rehem; he’s especially fond of the borders and edges although he also has eaten holes straight into shirts.

      We’re talking a big enough stack of ruined clothes that I’m also contemplating simply taking up quilting and converting it all into fabric swatches.

    10. Bereavement Bear*

      Figuring out how to transfer my mom’s car title to my name after her passing (not an advice request, I/we have the needed paperwork, just need to get online and do it).

    11. Susie*

      1. Changing out seasonal and my kids too small clothes
      2. Mending
      3. Finishing a knit throw pillow

      And one formerly procrastinated task completed this week: taking clothes for the tailor!

    12. Jackalope*

      I’m doing the opposite here. Normally I appreciate this thread, although I don’t necessarily post, and I try to get a thing done each weekend. Right now though I’m sick and feeling lousy, and so I’ve given myself official permission to turn off the constant nagging guilt about Doing The Things. It will come back soon, but for now it’s nice to just worry about getting better and nothing else. I hadn’t realized how much I worried about unfinished tasks on the regular.

    13. Chauncy Gardener*

      Catching up on the Clutterbug decluttering challenge for the month of September. Missed two days and need to catch up. Only five minutes per day. I CAN DO IT!!

  11. Tea & Sympathy*

    I know that there are a number of people on here who are sensitive to scents. I have gone from a mild to moderate sensitivity before the pandemic to a moderate to strong sensitivity now. I’m able to manage this in my daily life (thanks, masks), but now that I’m starting to travel again, I’m looking for advice on what like-challenged people do about hotel rooms.

    According to internet research, major chains have some fragrance-free rooms, but I find that when I call an individual hotel in that chain, they usually have no idea what I’m talking about. They’re always willing to not spray any perfume and to go light on cleaning products, but that still leaves the detergent/fabric softener on the sheets, built-up fragrance on the carpet, curtains, etc.

    Has anyone come up with any ideas for how to handle this? Found a list of “safe” hotels? Found an online group who share hotel names? Or, on a related note, know of any hotels near the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport that are fragrance free? Though, at this point, I think I’ve called them all. It looks like there are a couple downtown, but I’m just on a quick layover and need to be near the airport.

    I don’t want to give up traveling! But this is really wearing me down and making me reluctant to take a chance on new places. I am willing to wear a mask if there is too much fragrance, but then I take it off once I fall asleep.

    1. Strive to Excel*

      Have you had a chance to spend any time in a hotel room since you’ve noticed the sensitivity? Can you go to a local branch of a chain to get an idea of what you’ll be dealing with? While I’m not that scent sensitive I have family members who are and haven’t reported any problems with Marriot etc. Your biggest problem is likely going to be lingering cigarette smoke if someone decided to break the rules.

      Apart from that – what’s the Air BnB scene look like? Can you find something scentless there?

      1. Tea & Sympathy*

        I’ve found that individual hotels in chains vary a lot, so that doesn’t really help. But I hadn’t thought of Airbnb. At the moment I’m looking for hotels near hub airports with a shuttle service. But Airbnb would be good for future road trips. Thanks.

      1. Tea & Sympathy*

        I just got a mini air purifier for this trip, so fingers crossed. I’m a bit limited because it has to fit in a carry on bag – along with my own sheet and little pillow.

    3. RMNPgirl*

      Interesting, I’m very sensitive to scents. I can smell things that others can’t and any perfume/cologne/floral scent makes me sick.
      However, I’ve never really had issues in hotel rooms. They usually don’t smell like cleaning chemicals to me and I’ve never smelled any sort of fragrance in the rooms unless it was left by the previous guests on throw pillows or something else that doesn’t get changed/washed. If you’re at a major chain, I think you’ll be fine and you can always change rooms if one of them has too strong a smell to you.

      1. Tea & Sympathy*

        This is what it used to be like for me. But it’s like everything turbocharged over the past few years. It’s wild. The latest is I went I to Target, a store that pipes in shop-more scents, I had to rush out of there and come home and shower, because I could smell it on my clothes and hair. Another time I visited my nephew’s, scented, house and was fine, but when I got in my car I felt like I had been drenched in perfume and had to put on a mask, But then other stores and houses are fine.

        I know this isn’t in my head for numerous reasons. I went to my ENT, who said his gut was telling him atypical migraines with no other symptoms. He said he would normally send me to a neurologist, but around this area it is taking 1 year and 4 months to get into a neurologist. He gave me a book to read instead.

        So now I’m just trying to experiment with what might work. I just don’t want to have to give up traveling.

        1. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

          Not to give medical advice but I had a similar experience and found an integrative medicine doctor and she found my weird sensitivities were due to GI issues … she first treated me for SIBO (methane subtype!) for a year and is now helping with my histamine response. So just a nudge to check out your gut by someone who knows what to check for. I had been going from dermatologist to dermatologist to allergist trying to figure out what was causing all my random weird and new responses.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I find hotels to be a better bet than airbnb’s. Most of the mid-range chains are very light fragrance. IME the less expensive the hotel, the more likely they are to use very, very industrial-smelling products, especially laundry detergent.

      If you’re really concerned, you can travel with your own small towel and bedsheets. I have done this when it *really* mattered to me, and I find that being able to roll up in unscented sheets helps me a lot even if there is lingering scent on other things. For other reasons, depending on the length/type of trip, I will sometimes pack my own pillow. This is super helpful if the scent has penetrated into the bedding itself.

    5. Ellis Bell*

      My partner is scent sensitive and we’ve never noticed any issues in hotels; I’m talking about a nose that can spot a 1% ingredient in my rinsed out shampoo when nobody else can. I imagine that while this is a silent issue in a lot of offices and public spaces (people just manage it with masks, and distance and avoiding the scented candle altars of retail spaces), it’s the kind of thing people can’t self manage or avoid when it’s their hotel room bed, and they are forced to speak up and complain about it. I think hotels are well up on it, frankly, because if they weren’t they would frequently be encountering the silent masses with skin sensitivity and scent sensitivity. I remember being super interested in what detergents hotels use after noticing this, because we really struggle to find scent free laundry stuff cheaply. Some random googling informed me that they use hot, hot water (like two or three times as hot as you would use at home) and industrial level cleaners, which I assume are much more aimed at cleaning than at scenting. If you think about it, domestic cleaners are only scented so as to stand out on the supermarket shelves and some of the ads I’ve seen promise “they’ll smell cleaner for longer” (between washings) which obviously wouldn’t fly at a hotel between multiple guests. I’d be shocked if they used fabric softener; what on earth for? In fact I was watching a reality competition between a few bed and breakfast owners and the one guy who used fabric softener was getting multiple complaints about it. The other BandBers considered this pretty amateur and on quizzing him about it; he simply thought his preference was everyone’s. I wouldn’t want to promise you that you wouldn’t have an issue though, because scent sensitivity can differ so much as to what will set you off and who knows how you’ll react to cleaners even if not deliberately scented. I think in your shoes I would visit the local version of a national chain and ask if you could see a room in order to check out the scent levels? They can only say no.

    6. Llellayena*

      I knew someone who was extremely scent sensitive (carried multiple epi-pens) and she was able to stay in a standard hotel room. Her biggest problem was getting through the lobby as many of the hotels pumped a “signature scent” in the common areas. There’s obviously no guarantee but you might be better off than you think. I do agree with find a local branch and test though.

    7. The OG Sleepless*

      I’m not really scent sensitive, but I do notice them. Hampton Inn’s rooms are almost odorless to me. On the other hand, the cleaners in VRBO rentals seem to love their Fabuloso and the scent seems to hang in the air the entire stay.

      1. Edward Fairfax, Rochester, NY*

        I have found the Hampton Inn to be fragranced highly: the sheets, pillowcases all had noticeable concentrations of fragrance probably from detergent and softener. Towels were much less objectionable. The omnipresent and irksome Febreeze also was detectable in the rooms and hallways.

    8. Sutemi*

      Depending on the time of year and climate, would having an operable window or two help enough? If the weather is reasonable you might have luck finding B&B or hotels with windows you can open all night.

      1. dapfloodle*

        Wow, I don’t know if I’ve ever heard of a hotel with open-able windows! I’ve certainly never stayed in one, the closest I can think of are hotels with balconies one can go out on. But of course Air B&Bs would be a different story.

        1. RosyGlasses*

          I had openable windows last week in Seattle at the Courtyard Marriott. It was only about 3 inches that it would open, but some of them have balconies as well.

    9. Can't Sit Still*

      I have scent-induced asthma. I’ve found that wearing a mask (at least a KN95) in common areas gets me through the lobby and other common areas without any trouble. The actual hotel rooms are generally fine. However, industrial cleaning products aren’t a trigger for my asthma, either.

      I would visit and tour as many national chains as you can that are local to you, until you find one with acceptable scents. Then stick with that chain and join their rewards program, so they have your preferences/needs on file at all their properties.

      Personally, I find that the majority of Marriott properties absolutely reek everywhere and cause me to wheeze, whereas IHG properties are generally pleasant and cause no issues, even without a mask. Your mileage will definitely vary!

    10. Morning Reader*

      This seems counterintuitive, but when traveling with pets, I notice pet-friendly room usually don’t have carpet and probably fewer other fabric surfaces that hold scents, e.g. window screens instead of curtains. They might be an option? Or generally looking for rooms without carpets.

    11. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I’m extremely scent-sensitive, and have stayed in dozens of hotels. Most rooms didn’t smell like anything to me, especially in hotels with in-room monitors to detect smoking. Many hallways and lobbies did have a scent, be it food, cleaning supplies, perfume/air freshener, or (only twice) mustiness. Most places were willing to let us leave an ID card and credit card at the desk to go see a room and make sure it would be good for us. I never use the provided soaps/shampoo, just brought my own. I have occasionally traveled with my own pillow to use instead of the provided ones.
      If necessary, you could probably bring an odor neutralizing spray to use on pillows etc if their laundry detergent is an issue for you. I have found that sprays intended for sports equipment or pet odors work pretty well for other scents, the trick is to find one that is intended to neutralize odors rather than cover them with a different scent.

      2. amoeba*

        I think there’s a scent-free version of Febreze – and it does generally work by actually removing the volatile smell molecules from the air by trapping them, so might work for you! (It was originally introduced without any odour, but apparently didn’t sell well until they added scent to it… but you can still buy the odourless stuff!)

  12. Anon Poster*

    I’m looking for podcast recommendations, specifically multi-episode series. I listen to podcasts when I exercise, and I’ve recently figured out that I’m a lot less likely to skip that walk/jog if I’m eager to find out what happens next in a multi-episode series, rather than just turn on a one-and-done. I’ve recently finished Beyond All Repair, the Girlfriends, S-Town, and a three-episode story on British Scandal called The Canoe Con. I’m not necessarily looking for murdery true crime, but I like true stories where I can get emotionally invested. About a year ago I listened to two NPR series focused on public education, so anything nonfiction is good! And the fact that I only just got around to listening to S-Town means I’m not necessarily looking for super recent recommendations. I know there are a million podcasts out there that fit what I’m looking for, so if you have a favorite, please share!

    1. Sitting Pretty*

      The Aack Cast by Jamie Loftus is an absolutely charming deep dive into the history of the comic strip “Cathy.” I was surprised at how much there was to know and how gripped I was by the story!

    3. Forensic13*

      Have you listened to The Dream or The Dropout? I loved the first two series of The Dream, which is about MLMs and similar scams (the third got realllly depressing and I just couldn’t deal with it). And The Dropout is about the Theranos bloodtesting scandal and Elizabeth Holmes.

    4. Fellow Traveller*

      Two that I found riveting:
      Sold a Story- about the controversial method used to teach kids to read. This was fascinating to me.
      28ish days- about menstruation and periods. Each episode takes you through on day in a menstrual cycle and then looks at one cultural and scientific topic related to periods.
      Under the Influence- about the world of mommy influencers.

      1. Fellow Traveller*

        Oh one more!
        Against the Odds. Each season explores one story of survival. The first season was about the Thai boys soccer team that was stranded in the cave. Another season was about an aide worker kidnapped by Somali pirates. The stories are incredible.

      2. Anon Poster*

        Sold a Story is one of the education ones I listened to! I work in public education, and it was such an uncomfortable, but very necessary, listen. Plus, the story of the man who didn’t learn to read until he was in his 50s literally made me cry on a sidewalk. Wherever he is now, I hope he’s happy and thriving.

    5. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Wind of Change is my absolute favourite! It’s a wild ride that combines ’80s music and espionage, great fun to listen to.

      I also recommend The Missing Cryptoqueen for true crime that is not murdery. And since someone already mentioned the Theranos scandal, there is a very good podcast, Bad Blood: The Final Chapter, that covered the trial.

    6. Lemonwhirl*

      PJ Vogt did an interesting series on cryptocurrency called Crypto Island. he changed the name of the feed to Search Engine when he moved into a weekly explainer show format. but the Crypto Island episodes are there at the beginning of the feed.

      Someone else recommended Aaack cast and Jamie Loftus’s other series are also excellent “My Year in Mensa” is very funny and “Lolita Podcast” is thoughtful and well-done.

    7. Weegie*

      Haven’t got the energy to write out synopses, but here are some to check out:
      The Evaporated
      White Devil
      The greatest scam ever written
      Sweet Bobby
      Dangerous Memories
      Hoaxed
      Pig Iron
      The Teacher’s Pet
      The Teacher’s Trial
      Bronwyn
      Ghost Story
      Broomgate
      Who the hell is Hamish?
      Hollywood Con Queen
      Dr Miracle
      Wild Boys
      The Plot Thickens
      Mystic Mother
      Dead Eyes – this one is absolutely charming and not at all like its title suggests!

      A lot of the podcasts on this list are produced by the same people, so following one will lead you to other, similar ones that I haven’t included here. They skew towards true crime or investigations into fakes/frauds, but not all of them are.

    8. The Prettiest Curse*

      Podcast-wise, I’m often drawn to stories about the darker side of human psychology, so this list tends that way, with specific topics noted.

      – The Cost of Happiness, about entrepreneur Tony Hsieh’s attempts to gentrify downtown Las Vegas. (Contains discussion of suicide.)

      – Disaster Trolls – investigating and confronting a truly terrible man who decided to harass the survivors of the Manchester Arena attack. (Contains discussion of online abuse and stalking.)

      – Believe in Magic – a jaw-dropping online scam that grew out of the early days of the One Direction online fandom. (Contains discussion of parental abuse and scamming.)

      – Unreliable Witness – looking at the case of a young woman who was jailed for faking a serious attack on herself. This one is best listened to cold – don’t read anything about the case beforehand, as your perceptions will shift a lot while listening (at least mine did.) (Contains discussion of abuse and self-harm.)

      – Missing Cryptoqueen – the ongoing story of a crypto scammer who disappeared. (Contains discussion of people being scammed and losing all their money.)

    9. Arrietty*

      I’ve just listened to Fake Heiress, about Anna Sorokin’s multi-year scam, and also recently heard quite a bit of Buried, an investigative series looking into the secret dumping of toxic waste. Both on BBC Sounds, I don’t know if they’re available outside the UK or not.

    10. Reba*

      Crime – The Missing Crypto Queen
      Society – The Turning (s1 is about nuns and S2 about ballet)
      Humans & Environment – Grouse, Mustang

    11. bassclefchick*

      History Hit network has some great podcasts! I’m currently listening to two.

      Not Just the Tudors is about Renaissance history, but also includes the Tudors. I just listened to their episode on Mary, Queen of Scots. They also look at French and Russian history.

      Betwixt the Sheets is a history of sex, so absolutely NSFW.

    12. Gamer Girl*

      Witch by BBC
      14 part series about the concept of the Witch and where it comes from, ancient to switch trials to modern. Great narrative arc, I absolutely love listening to it.

      Seconding “Price of Paradise”–literally could not believe it except it is all documented.

      The Walk
      Narrative podcast with 30ish parts where you are the protagonist: you are arriving in a busy train station and are suddenly given a secret mission and you are the agent! I loved listening to this one when my commute involved walking :)

      The Dating Detectives: check out the “Mackenzie Undercover” episodes especially! A PI tells about some of her wildest cases. The Bertha one, the Nail Salon, and the Sportsballer episodes come to mind as particularly bananas.

      The hosts are super funny and every undercover episode is wild. The other episodes are ones where people tell them the story of how they caught their own “dogfish.”

      Bad Dates (the first season with Jameela Jamil) is amazing and I have relistened to all the episodes several times. She has great comic thinking and really keeps the show classy and moving well. (Not so much with the guest host, too raunchy for my taste). This one is definitely NSFW, but it is usually laugh out loud hilarious. Makes me look back on things I thought were embarrassing on dates and mostly be relieved as these eps are hugely, comedically bad, as told by comedians to comedians.

      Land of the Giants: every season tackles a big tech company or group (Google, Amazon, Match group, etc). Around 8 to 10 parts, done by Vox reporters, extremely fascinating. The drop shipping episode (I think the Amazon season) is the one I recommend to literally everyone for how unseen labor works: there is a small town in the middle of nowhere USA where basically all the women are order fulfillers but they also do tons of extra labor around that. Not explaining it very well, but it’s well worth it.

      You’re Wrong About is an amazing podcast, and their book club series on “Princess Diana” (5 parts–you will love it, it is unapologetic fluff compared to most of the other deep dives they do), “Michelle Remembers” and “Go Ask Alice” are multi parters about books that are well worth diving into! The Nancy Grace one, as well, was unexpectedly fascinating. Most other episodes are standalone but quite long. Those are the series that stands out in my mind atm, bit there are others.

      This Podcast Will Kill You: two epidemiologists, both named Erin, break down the biology, history of, and current standing of diseases and more. They recently did a series (3 parts) about Poison Control that was incredible. They even have a whole ep dedicated to interviewing the head of Connecticut Poison Control–I absolutely loved this short series and am recommending it to everyone because it showcases the value of excellent training, systems, and the power of data analysis and knowledge to break down and solve large problems. If I had any sort of scientific training, I would seriously consider working there.

      I also loved their recent three parter on IVF, and their Lupus and Endometriosis episodes were incredibly informative. They have so many episodes out there on major diseases and conditions, and it’s been extremely helpful to understand what family and friends are going through after listening to these incredible deep dives on various diseases and conditions! I am a huge fan and cannot recommend them enough, especially as they are experts who interview many top experts and read incredible amounts of research to prep their episodes. I always check the shownotes and try to find the books and journal articles they’ve used when I am curious!

      Cautionary Tales is another great one. each episode stands independently, bit it’s all put together by an economist who also has tv experience. And he has a lovely British accent that is such a pleasure to listen to. I loved the recent series he contributed to about women in sports, pre Olympics (and why and how women were kept out for so long!)

      Tested, by Rose Eveleth: a deep dive into what is going on with so-called gender testing in sports and the Olympics. And why it’s really only for women. One everyone should listen to, imo. All the way back to the first Olympics, first women to compete, first trans athletes, and where we are today. Very respectful podcast, as well (and not a TERF podcast!) It will probably make you mad, but you will definitely learn a ton. Maybe good for running faster/longer tho? :D Definitely motivated me to get out and get active!

      Happily Never After: True story, stranger than fiction. A murder mystery romance writer’s husband is found murdered… Narrated by a member of the writer’s writing group.

      Snapped: three seasons, all put together by a former sorority member turned sorority dropout, to expose the inner workings of sororities, all the way up to the top.

      The Loudest Girl in the World: the host’s story of being diagnosed as ND autistic, as a woman.

      Heaven Bent: each series is about a various theme or event/trend in the Evangelical/Fundamentalist church. TW for anyone with religious trauma, with a Massive TW for Season 4, but the first season is fairly neutral/simply batty (compared to S3 and S4 esp). Done by an indie Canadian reporter who started out wanting to figure out what the heck was going on during her childhood with the Toronto Blessing.

      Human Resources: British Podcast, narrative about the “human resources” (POC enslaved and colonized) and the hidden ways that all of British profited. Eg: Welsh textile industry essentially catering in large part to making cloth for enslaved people.)

      The Retreivals: an IVF scandal. 5 part series. Incredible podcast, listen with care tho, as it deals in large part with a scandal around women’s pain and fertility treatments

      Unsealed: the Tylenol Murders
      8 parter about why our medicine is now sealed in many layers of tamper proof packaging! Completely wild, if you wrote it as a script for TV, it would be hard to believe!

      Hope there are some here that appeal!

    14. Bike Walk Barb*

      If you follow Supreme Court news you’ll already know how some of this plays out, but “This Land” by Rebecca Nagle is an amazing education in federal law relating to Indian tribes, the Indian Child Welfare Act, how there’s actually a deep political agenda at work in some of the cases that are brought and who’s funding that effort–it’s fantastic and is definitely the kind of thing I wasn’t taught in school, like so much of the rest of the history of Indigenous people in North America. It follows individual stories and unpacks the legal issues around them.

    15. ildrummer*

      Slow Burn is a podcast by Slate that does deep investive journalism, largely backward looking. Their series are about eight hours long and well narrated. Topics include the Watergate Scandal, the start of America’s Iraq War, Roe v Wade, white supremacy, etc.

    17. Turning pages*

      Your Own Backyard was great if you like true crime. The episodes are well done and the story keeps you engaged until the end!

    18. Observer*

      Some that I didn’t see:

      Business Wars – Short sets of episodes, usually about two major players in a particular field. Usually, it’s 5 episodes. 4 tell the story then the 5th one is a discussion about it. Sometimes it’s one company.

      Foundering – Similar idea to Land of the Giants, but not necessarily about the big, going, successful players.

    19. supply closet badger*

      I have two recommendations that I haven’t seen in this thread yet.

      ‘Articles of Interest’ on Radiotopia is a fantastic podcast about the history and cultural significance of fashion (it originally grew out of 99% Invisible).

      More specifically, the first two seasons are pretty self-contained episodes but always have a little teaser about the topic of the next episode at the end, so I think it would spark that curiosity about the next episode that you’re looking for. And then the third season *is* explicitly a multi-part series called American Ivy, all about the history of preppy style.

      And another recommendation, also a Radiotopia show, is ‘Hang Up’. It’s a queer reality dating show where all the dates happen over the phone (i.e. in audio format). It’s really fun, sweet and a little silly, not taking itself too seriously. Part of the whole setup is that the contestants are NOT looking to get married, but get to know each other and potentially go on a vacation together at the end :)

    20. Redbecca*

      For real stories that are fairly true crime but really aren’t murdery, I really like Scam Goddess: each episode has a deep dive on some kind of con artist or scammer, ranging from very historical to ripped from the headlines, and some of the stories are astonishing! I also enjoy It’s Probably Not Aliens, which is analysing the TV show Ancient Aliens and talking about the ways it’s misleading viewers, and No Such Thing As A Fish, which is a comedy factual one where the researchers for a TV show talk about their favorite facts from their recent research that they couldn’t fit into the show that week. If you want scripted drama, the BBC has been making radio shows forever, and many of them are now going on podcast platforms: people seem to love The Archers, which has been about a farming family and small town for like 50 years. and if you like Science Fiction, there are a billion audio dramas for Dr Who, Big Finish has been making them on license to the BBC since I think the 90s, they have both one-offs and long multi-episode stories, and they do them featuring all the different Doctors and some with spin off characters. I think they also do some other shows as well. oh, and I’ve recently been enjoying The Kingmaker Histories, which is a sort of alternate universe history of events in a small country in middle Europe, and of course the classic Welcome to Nightvale, which is the community radio program of a tiny town in vaguely maybe Arizona where all conspiracies are true. the latter isn’t SUPER linked episodes, but there are ongoing plotlines for each season that are usually part of the story of the week.

    21. Adara*

      The New Yorker has In the Dark, which is long-form investigative journalism. Each season is about a different story and there are three seasons out now.

      Wondery has Hysterical, a story about a mass psychogenic illness involving teenage girls in upstate New York.

      Wilder on iHeart is about the impact the Little House books had on a generation of readers.

  14. moss, fourth of their name*

    My sibling and I are going out to a Greek festival in a couple weeks with friends. I haven’t had much Greek food in the past, and recently I’ve almost entirely stopped eating dairy. (I eat a little butter/milk in purchased baked goods, but no cream cheese, cheesecake, etc. It’s complicated but I like pastry and it doesn’t seem to affect me badly.) What might be good to eat? Are there dairy-based sauces I should avoid? (Tzatziki is Greek, right?)

    1. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I think melitzanosalata (smoked aubergine dip) is dairy-free. And now I have a big craving for it :D

      The last time I was on holiday in Greece, standout dishes included grilled octopus and all sorts of grilled / stewed meats, all of which should be safe choices if you find them and are not vegetarian.

      1. moss, fourth of their name*

        Ooh, I’d like to try that. I don’t think I’ve had aubergine before. I do indeed eat meat- I’ll be on the lookout for good seafood :)

        1. dapfloodle*

          Just making sure you know that aubergine is eggplant! Obviously not everyone has had eggplant either, it’s just a more common name in some places.

          1. moss, fourth of their name*

            Yup, I do! Artichoke and eggplant/aubergine were the two vegetables my parents hated, so I never really learned how to cook them and haven’t had occasion to try it before.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Tzatziki is a yogurt-based sauce. Toum has no dairy (it’s based on whipped oil), and is often the white sauce drizzled over your grilled meat wrapped in pita.

      Spanokopita and borek will have cheese, so be on the alert for that with any savory filled pastries (common to eat at festivals)–I’d look at the grilled meat for your savory main and baklava etc (sweet pastries without cheese) for the sweet.

      1. moss, fourth of their name*

        This is good to know! I’ll ask about the toum with lunch and glad to hear there should be some nice desserts available.

      2. Sutemi*

        Many baklava pastries have butter brushed between the pastry layers, so you might need to ask before eating!

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Meant to mention: My son has what sounds like a very similar allergy to moss’s, and after a strict no-dairy period when he first figured out the allergy can now handle things made with butter. And allow the occasional thing made with batter, like a pancake. But cheese is a killer.

          1. moss, fourth of their name*

            Yup, those effects are basically it. No cheese, sour cream, yogurt, or ice cream at all, but the small amount of butter or milk in baked goods tends to be okay. I use almond milk and non-dairy butter at home, but it’s luck of the draw what I can find outside.

    3. Jay*

      -I’ve had things like Spanakopita both with and without a heavy cheese included in the filling. There is usually something, but it can go from very light to most of the dish. Just ask the vendor before purchasing.
      -Dolmades (stuffed grape leaves) are often dairy free, being meat, rice, spices, and some veggies, all wrapped in grape leaves.
      -I’ve also had Moussaka that has included a very limited amount of dairy (usually just the sauce they use as a topping).
      -If they have real, decent, Greek coffee, drink a cup for me!

    4. D'Euly*

      Loukoumades (the round doughnut-type things drizzled with syrup) are often dairy-free, though I’d always ask to be sure.

  16. MissGirl*

    Short version: Does anyone have any books, websites, or podcasts on improving physical health?

    Long version: I’m doing a new thing where I focus on improving one aspect of my life for thirty days. Next month is physical health. I’m a 43-year-old female. I have my eating down pretty well and I’m active, but my body is going into a new stage and I want to optimize it. I’m going to make appointments with a trainer to work on weight training as I feel that’s a weakness for me.

    I’d like to feel like I actually understand my body and what it needs instead of going through the motions.

    1. Six Feldspar*

      Darebee has a ton of free workouts, and Hybrid Calisthenics does very encouraging videos (eg how to work up to doing a full pushup from nothing)

    2. Arrietty*

      Just One Thing from the BBC is a good one – the presenter recently died in a tragic accident but there are a lot of episodes that he’d already made.

    3. Angstrom*

      Stacy Sims has a couple of good books on exercise and issues specific to women.
      The Fast Talk podcast is aimed at cyclists but has had episodes on exercise physiology and strength training.

    4. Professor Plum*

      Anything by Dr. Gabrielle Lyon and Katy Bowman. Both have books and podcasts that are well worth exploring.

      1. MissGirl*

        Thanks! I was hoping to get a lot of suggestions to narrow it down to what works for me now. I look at both.

    6. Professor Plum*

      Also I’m curious what the aspects have been on some of your other 30-day focuses. Sounds like an interesting and useful journey if you’d be willing to share more.

      1. MissGirl*

        I got the idea from the Mentally Stronger podcast. The idea is you focus on one thing for 30 days and then it becomes easier to implement as part of your life in smaller ways after that. For instance, I focused on finances for a several months (before I knew about this) and now everything is set up automatically and only takes me a few hours each month with the occasional tweak.

        I tend to have an ADHD brain with lots of ideas and little follow-through except when I really focus on something. This helps me choose one thing out of my long list and actually do it. Now when something new pops up, I tell myself I’ll make that a focus another month. For months, I’ve been meaning to sign up with a trainer, finish all the mental health books on my desktop, update my yard, and on and on.

        This month I’m focused on mental health. I’m already working with a therapist but I tend to ignore things between sessions. I have a few books and websites I start to read and then stop when they ask me to do work ;). I’m focusing on getting through those and actually doing the work in 30- to 60-minute increments per day. So far so good.

    7. Jackalope*

      What Fresh Hell Is This? by Heather Corinna is a book focusing on the experience of perimenopause, and it gives a lot of useful information about what your body will be going through and things that can be helpful if you’re experiencing specific symptoms. I read it a little bit before perimenopause and I plan to go back to it and reread. It’s also witty and entertaining. The Menopause Manifesto by Dr. Jen Gunter also covers some similar territory, and I’ve read it cover to cover, but it has a bit more focus on medical stuff. I would recommend having it as a reference, because some of the things she mentions I wouldn’t have connected to perimenopause, and some of them I had thought were just things you had to deal with instead of stuff that could be fixed or ameliorated (and she doesn’t just talk about medical responses; she also discusses things like good types of lotions and soap/body wash products to use for dryness issues).

      1. MissGirl*

        Thanks. According to my doctor, I’m not there yet but it would be good to know what to expect so I don’t feel like I’m going crazy when it happens.

        1. Jackalope*

          Yeah, I’m not quite there yet either, but I’m happy to have some ideas about things that might come up. There are some symptoms that everyone knows about, like hot flashes, but others that aren’t so common. I know that no one person will have all of them, but it’s useful to be prepared just in case.

    8. Morning Reader*

      “Outlive” is on the bestseller list still. It has lots of information about evaluating (and improving) one’s health. It’s not particularly about any one kind of person or situation but may give you some ideas about sleep hygiene, cardiac fitness, and so on. It might take more than a month to read it, though!
      There is also a cardiac health calculator called Prevent from the American Heart Association. You plug in your various numbers and it tells you your risk of having a cardiac event in the next 10 years. Mine was 6.7%. Decent for my age, I think? (I’d be curious how other 60-somethings rate if anyone cares to share.)

  17. Soon to be ex spouse*

    As a woman who just agreed in court on a temporary settlement and plan for divorcing my husband … I will be reading that book, thank you

  18. Ask a Manager* Post author

    I know there are many fans of The House in the Cerulean Sea here (including me) so please be aware that the sequel, Somewhere Beyond the Sea, comes out on Tuesday!

    1. Annie Edison*

      Ahhh so excited! That book brought me so much joy!

      Just went to see if I can pre-reserve it on libby and it looks like I can, but I’m currently 139th in line for 1 copy, so I guess it’ll be a while

      2. CityMouse*

        I managed to jump on early enough that I should be in the first group to get distributed books. But I’m debating if I should just go buy a physical copy (although I really don’t have room for more books, hence my Libby love).

  19. Fellow Traveller*

    Does anyone want to share their adulting wins lately? I’m in my mid forties and still feel like I’m trying to figure basic life things out and thought it would be helpful to hear about other people’s adulting achievements.
    Mine is- I’m terrible about scheduling routine medical appointments – it’s been so long since I had a well woman check up that when I finally called and scheduled it a few months ago, the practice considered me a “new patient”. But I did it. And had bloodwork done and a poop in a box colon cancer screening, and a mammogram and a follow up to have some other things checked out and… I’m healthy. I feel healthy so it seemed like such an adulting thing to actually go and have a physician tell me that. Grateful that I have medical insurance to take care of these things so I just needed to get overt childish reluctance and do the grown up thing and schedule the appointment and go. Highly recommend!
    What has made you feel like an adult lately?

    1. MissGirl*

      For years I completely ignored my finances beyond staying out of credit card debt and putting enough into my 401K to get my match. The last few years, I’ve read books and listened to tons of podcasts. I now have everything automated and have multiple investments and savings. Next week I have an appointment with a retirement advisor to consider a mega backdoor Roth conversion. That feels very adulty to say.

      1. Fellow Traveller*

        Anything that involves planning for the future is very adult-ing! Yay!
        Is there any one book or podcast you would recommend?

        1. MissGirl*

          Yes! The Money Guys have a book and podcast. They do a great job of breaking down your financial journey into stages. They are also the most realistic about what it takes to survive. They understand people might have to get a car loan or do a 3 percent down payment for a house. They have lots of resources to help you know where you are and what to do.

          I am absolutely addicted to I Will Teach You to be Rich podcast. On the surface, it’s about couples and their biggest money problems. However, I am not in a couple yet it’s so fascinating. He really dives into the psychology of money and why we do the things we do. What’s holding people back from making better decisions. He works with people at different levels of wealth. His book was also helpful.

          1. RosyGlasses*

            I think that he also did a series on Netflix that was FASCINATING. I may go back and watch it again.

    2. Arrietty*

      Got my tyres replaced! They were just barely legal and there have been flash floods lately, so I decided to get it done before a week where I’d be driving a couple of hundred miles with my son in the car. It was a frustrating and expensive process but it was nice to just be able to get it sorted and not worry about it.

      1. Fellow Traveller*

        Ooh car maintenance is very adulting to me! Also soldiering through expensive and frustrating situations to feel better at the end. I feel like my parents were never flustered by having to do expensive and frustrating things, but maybe they just hid it well.

    3. Yikes Stripes*

      After a decade with *really* bad credit due to medical issues and Life Happening, I’ve finally managed to drag my credit score over 700. This is a huge deal for me and I’m still kind of in disbelief that I have solidly good credit for the first time since my 20s.

      2. Isabel Archer*

        Congratulations! Definitely not easy to climb out of that particular circle of hell. Be proud of it!

    4. AGD*

      Food. My diet isn’t awful, but I’m making an effort to stop defaulting to the lowest-effort ways of feeding myself (takeout, cereal for dinner).

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Cooking at home was a HUGE part of “feeling adult” for me–planning meals and making them rather than defaulting to the easiest, quickest thing has made me feel very grown up indeed.

    5. ecnaseener*

      I have been slowly but surely improving on my dental care! For a while there, every time I went to the dentist they would find a cavity. Then at one check-up they didn’t find a cavity but they decided I needed a wisdom tooth out because it was too hard to clean. Then earlier this year, no cavities but they threatened me with a “deep cleaning” if my plaque wasn’t any better next time. Just had that “next time” visit and no mention of deep cleaning, hooray! (They’re still warning me that I might need a different procedure in the future, but it’s a “someday” thing not a “in six months” thing so I’m taking that as a win.)

    6. Gamer Girl*

      Scheduling my annual appointments when I have them–I have a bunch in the summer, and whereas they used to fob me off by saying “just call for your next appt” (and then I never would), I tell them that I actually am unable to do that and can we make an appt now, pls?

      It helps having an ADHD diagnosis now, too. It’s not something I mention, but it gives me internal permission to push for an appt while I am still there. Remembering to call for an appt, at a specific time, with all the info I need? Will only happen with great difficulty and stress or in an emergency situation!

      1. Zweisatz*

        Yes game changer!! I have also started booking two hair appointments in advance and lo and behold no stress-scheduling anymore.
        I loath when it’s not possible to book immediately at the doctor. No I will not “simply call 4 months in advance”.

    7. Chelly*

      I have been spending a few hours reading up on finances and investing. sooo adult. I also go grocery shopping with my own car

    8. ctrl-alt-delicious*

      I made a bunch of phone calls this week to figure out switching over providers and rx to a new health insurance. Fingers crossed it all goes smoothly, with no surprises!

    9. Girasol*

      Home maintenance tasks scheduled on Google calendar: Change furnace filters, drain the hot water heater, wash the kitchen ceiling, get the sprinklers blown, change the smoke alarm batteries – all that stuff that ought to be done every so often.

    10. goddessoftransitory*

      Dealing with the Great Water Heater blowout and moving out, then back into our apartment, and finally having friends over for real, adult dinner–with a separately made salad and tikka masala for the main dish, not ordering in.

      And especially dealing with the insurance company–I instinctively wanted to ask my parents for help, but no, it was on me, and I did it.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        You’re my hero for dealing with the insurance company! That kind of thing feels so hard.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          It is! I lucked out in that I had no actual damage to report–what we needed covered was our Air BnB expenses and moving stuff. So I didn’t have to take a thousand pictures to download and attach to a thousand forms, thank God.

    11. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Actually listened to the reminder on my car dashboard and got my oil changed and car serviced BEFORE it was due.

      It helps that now, my car dealership lets one make a same-day appointment. I’m impulsive and quite bad at planning ahead/scheduling appointments ahead.

      Also finally managed to get my roach-y apartment professionally sprayed with roach poison twice and professionally deep cleaned, and I did finally manage to get rid of almost every small item that could have been poisoned or could have contained roach eggs or poo. Now, I just need to get a new bed and air conditioner and to make sure the roaches haven’t returned, and I think I can move back in.

      1. Fellow Traveller*

        Oh ugh! Sorry about the roaches! But yes, hiring a professional to deal with the issue and putting your life back in order…. Very adulting!

    12. Raia*

      I chose to get a non-required outpatient wrist surgery done so that I will have better quality of life in the future. Outcomes look great so far, but being in this cast is annoying and I make so many messes that then take twice as long to clean up! Not to mention calling the short-term disability office everyday for a week to make sure documents got processed correctly. Sigh. It will all be worth it eventually.

    13. WellRed*

      I’m making a meatloaf and roasted potatoes for dinner. On a Saturday instead of going out or takeout or frozen pizza! An actual meal.

    14. Monkey's Paw Manicure*

      I managed to get long-term care insurance through work. I hate how much it costs, but by having it at all I’ve ensured that I’ll have a quick decline and death!

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        That’s a great purchase! For both my parents, they got back at least as much as they had paid into their plans when they needed at-home care, and it meant that they didn’t deplete their savings nearly as fast as they would have otherwise.

        I hope you never have to use it and live to a ripe old age in great health, but if you do have to use it, it can make at-home care much more of a real option.

    15. Jay*

      I just figured out how to fix/modify my work boots to compensate for a life long condition with my feet using inexpensive stuff from a home improvement store. That’s the sort of thing the older generations of men in my family would have done and it feels very adult to be doing it. The fact that it will save me a couple of hundred bucks in new work boots every few months is a very nice bonus!

    16. londonedit*

      I finally spent a ridiculous amount of money on a proper pair of glasses. I wear contact lenses 99.9% of the time and I love them, and I’ve always struggled with glasses. For years and years I’ve ‘solved’ this problem by occasionally buying a really cheap pair of glasses online. Because there was no point in spending a load of money on a pair from the optician’s, right, if I wasn’t really going to wear them? But of course those cheap pairs were never actually really suitable, the lenses weren’t right, the fit wasn’t right, so they’d just languish in a drawer.

      Well, a few weeks ago I went to the optician and got a proper telling-off for my crappy cheap 10-year-old useless glasses that bear no relation to my current prescription, because as the optician rightly pointed out I have absolutely no backup in case I can’t wear my contacts for whatever reason. And I realised they’re right, and it’s stupid to waste money on glasses that will never work for me. So I stumped up for a proper pair that have been fitted and checked by the optician, with proper lenses that actually work with my prescription. It was an insane amount of money, but probably no more than I’ve wasted on useless pairs over the years, and I do feel like a proper grown-up for having done it.

  20. Silent E*

    Some of you may remember that I shared a link to a cute, free cat calendar from the U.S. Corps of Engineers in the Feb 25-26, 2023 Weekend Open Thread (and it’s still an active link).
    Well, it was popular enough that they did another one for this year – and there’s dog one, too! – to enjoy for what remains of 2024. Links in a reply. FWIW, I found the downloads to be quite slow, but maybe that’s just my connection.
    Enjoy!

    2. Generic Name*

      I love this calendar so much! I work in an industry where we have to get permits from USACE with some frequency, so I was delighted to discover this calendar. My coworkers at my last job were very derisive of this calendar. Lots of snarky comments about how they should spend less time on calendars and more on permit approvals (as if the scientists working in the regulatory program were the ones who used graphic design software to produce this calendar). Heaven forbid a government worker have any fun at their job. When I started at my current company, fully half of my coworkers had this calendar up in their cubes. So knew I had found my people.

  21. Mitchell Hundred*

    Whenever someone I’m talking to mentions living in a country other than the one they were born in, I always mention the following quote from W.H. Auden: “It is impossible to understand your own country unless you have lived in at least two others.”

    I personally have never lived abroad, but for people who have I’m always curious: what did the experience teach you about your home country (feel free to define “home country” however you want)?

    1. Catherine*

      The thing I learned about America after living elsewhere is that oh my god, healthcare does not need to be this prohibitively difficult to access.

    2. BellaStella*

      I left the USA in 2008 for work and moved to Europe. In November it will be 16 years. There are many things….what I have learned is that in my experiences there is a 50/50 split of people who are positive and others who are negative about our foreign policy and acts in support of it. No one gets why guns are not banned or the influence of lobbyists. The tax system is regressive compared to many places. Women I know who work in reproductive rights are angry and terrified for US women. I learned that many people do look to the USA for life opportunities they do not have in their own country and that is a good thing.

    3. Tau*

      This is a tricky one for me to answer because in fact, the country I was born in is not by “home” country and I spent a significant chunk of my childhood (+ adulthood) living abroad. As a result, there’s no real way for me to judge what the experience changed. That said, some things I’ve noticed where I feel like I have a somewhat different experience than average:

      * no real sense of myself as “normal” or expectation to be seen that way. This one is kind of hard to explain, but I’ve noticed that people who grow up in one place can have this sense of themselves as basically unremarkable and average, at least in terms of initial impressions – this expectation that they can pretty much fade into the crowd. I’ve just never had that, I always expected to be noticed as unusual. (In fact, moving back to my home country a few years ago and realising that I wasn’t the immigrant anymore and people wouldn’t immediately know I wasn’t from here took me a while to wrap my head around.)
      * a sense for how culture varies and how to explain cultural differences – ofc it’s worth noting here that the three countries I’ve lived in are all Western (but also worth noting that I find people do underestimate the cultural differences between different Western countries)
      * similarly, a sense for the little habits and practices that can make a big difference in experience and how they’re very much arbitrary when you get down to it
      * a lifelong passion for languages and how they work which *might* have been driven by childhood bilingualism
      * sympathy for immigrants to my own country, and in some topics of conversation I will instinctively identify with immigrants rather than “my countrymen” although that effect has been dying down a bit the longer it’s been since I returned.

      There’s almost certainly others, but you’ll probably get a clearer answer from someone who has a “before” to compare things to.

    4. Cookies For Breakfast*

      One thing I noticed in the past decade is how certain relatively recent developments in the UK played out in similar ways as the previous twenty years’ worth of politics in my home country. So for example, while most of my British colleagues were in deep shock when Brexit happened, I wasn’t. Very sad and angry, yes; surprised, not one bit: given where I come from, I had a big headstart in watching a shambolic government run a country to the ground.

      On a personal level, living abroad (two countries as a kid, two as an adult) taught me that the sense of belonging people feel by putting roots in a country or community may be something I’ll never achieve. As a kid in school, I often stood out as an outcast, because it was hard to join friendship groups that already existed, or return to places where my old friends had already moved on. As an adult, I took comfort in the fact that, by moving, I was leaving behind aspects of my home country I didn’t want to live with long-term (a certain close-mindedness in my hometown, and general attitudes about work, family, women, etc.). At the same time, there are aspects of the culture I grew up in that I do value and identify with strongly, and not finding many like-minded people in the country I live in is hard too. I got to the conclusion that wherever in the world my partner and my cats are can be “home” for me, and I’m content with that, but as for calling a country my own, or feeling rooted in a community, I don’t know that I’ll ever achieve that.

    5. Helvetica*

      I’ve lived in three other countries than my own – and am currently living abroad – and I’d say it magnifies the problems of your home country but also glosses over some others. You inevitably get drawn into comparison and there is a big realisation to how much better or worse some things are, which ultimately I think just gives a better perspective of the world as a whole. No country is perfect, rather all are imperfect.
      In a more trivial way, it does make me more patriotic about some things – absence does make the heart grow fonder.

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        Yeah, living in the US definitely made me realise that some countries do some things better and some do other things better. In general (probably due to being a newer country,) Americans seem to be more willing to try totally new things and be open to new ideas. And they’re less obsessed with their history than people in the UK. But I feel that America is much more fragmented as a country than the UK, due to having so many different states. We definitely have regional differences, but America has regional differences to the max.

        And Americans are generally an optimistic people, which is fine, but sometimes they can be overly optimistic in a particularly annoying way – which is why Americans generally find British people to be grumpy and cynical!

        1. Sloanicota*

          Growing up in the UK I got an early and ongoing sense of myself as a permanent outside (my parents are from the US) that continued when we moved back to the US later in life; it just makes you notice things in a way that’s hard to explain. However, I do think it’s funny when people try to compare UK to US. The UK is so much smaller, it’s essentially one state. You would have to compare all of the US to all of Europe, with the variance between states being more like the difference between Switzerland and Spain or something. We forget because the UK has so much history.

          1. Irish Teacher.*

            I dunno. The UK is a very large country too – with various componant countries. I think that if look at it that way, then you can’t really compare any countries. Like Ireland is much smaller than the UK, only a 12th of the population whereas the UK has about a 5th of the US’s population and the US has only a fraction of the population of China, though yeah, probably a larger faction than Ireland has of the UK’s.

            I don’t think the UK is essentially one state. In physical size of the country, maybe, but not in population size and I think population size is more relevant here. Just googled and apparently by population size, the US is the 3rd biggest country and the UK the 21st. That’s not even so far apart. You’d surely need at least 20 countries in any category of comparison.

            And I don’t think comparing the US to all Europe makes sense. While it might be the same size, it doesn’t have the same cultural influences or the same…well, like if New York goes to war, so does Texas and California and Ohio, so in that sense they all have similar interests. If the UK goes to war, France and Germany and Greece probably don’t and may only have a vague awareness of the war. Each country has a completely different political system, not just different issues that matter but like some are monarchies whereas others are republics, some have two party systems, some have multi-party systems. I do not know any Slovakian political parties or what they stand for whereas a New Yorker will have heard of political parties that exist in Louisiana.

            I think the variance between Spain and Switzerland is way greater than the variance between different US states as they speak different languages, use different currencies, watch different media, have different political structures, have very different history – Spain was under a dictatorship as late as the 1970s and had a Civil War in the 1930s whereas Switzerland has been at peace for centuries.

            I have no doubt American states differ greatly, but I wouldn’t really compare that difference to the differences between two countries, which may actually know more about American than they do about each other.

            1. Irish Teacher.*

              I don’t specifically mean Spain and Switzerland by my last point. I mean, in Ireland, we certainly get more US media, both being English speaking than we do say Slovakian or Greek or Norwegian media, so the US is probably a bigger cultural influence.

            2. Tau*

              Yeah, I’m with you here. I’ve lived in the US and two European countries, and I don’t buy the analogy of states with countries as far as cultural differences are concerned. To be clear, since this seems to be a sticking point: I’m not arguing that there are not huge, dramatic differences between, say, New York and Texas. It’s just that from everything I’ve seen they strike me as similar in degree to the differences between Bavaria and Hamburg, which are also pretty damn dramatic… but not nearly as large as the differences between Spain and Switzerland. The issue of language cannot be overstated here; as soon as two countries have a different dominant language, so much about them gets walled off from another. Books – ranging from current bestsellers to encyclopedias and nonfiction to the entire literary canon – movies, TV shows, news, magazines, advertisements, everything is completely separated. A significant chunk of the German population may be religiously watching a TV show that the average French person not only has no clue exists, they’d have no way to consume the show even if they did due to the language barrier. The average Spanish citizen and the average Swiss citizen can barely communicate. The rise of English is making changes, but it’s generally bringing European countries closer to *the US* rather than each other, home-grown media in the native language is still a thing, and we shouldn’t overestimate the English proficiency levels in many European countries either.

              And although people point at the size of the US, the main drivers of cultural change are time and isolation. The US is a young country with a culture primarily formed from settlers where a lot of its development has taken place in an age with greater mobility and flow of information. I absolutely buy that different Indigenous cultures in America are at least as diverse as different European ones (honestly, likely more diverse if we just look at language families), but I just don’t see it for the dominant culture.

              1. allathian*

                Yes, I tend to agree, up to a point. There’s also a very big difference between small European countries with a population of less than about 20 million, and larger ones. In the larger countries, foreign shows tend to be dubbed, but in smaller ones they’re subtitled because subtitling is so much cheaper. But I agree in the sense that European shows tend to be fairly niche outside the country they were made in, the shows with mass market appeal across the whole continent (as much as they exist today with the prevalence of streaming) tend to be American.

    6. tangerine*

      I’ve lived in … 6 countries, 4 continents. I’d say the biggest thing I’ve learned is that “polite” is completely relative. Things that would freak people out in the US, are very common elsewhere (eg: shopowner picking up your 4-month old, and you don’t see it again for an hour, as it makes the rounds of all the shops on the block. Your baby was never in danger!). The degree to which random strangers can police your child. “Politely” making chit-chat to strangers, “politely” being silent so everyone can be in their own heads. Being offered help for a tough job, not being offered help for a tough job (use your words if you want help!). Having other people celebrate your birthday, doing all your own birthday celebrations (eg bringing a cake to work on your own birthday). The degree to which you can laugh at others or vociferously disagree.

      In short: everything about how we conduct ourselves in society. That’s what changes country to country.

      1. Jackalope*

        This is a lot of it. I remember living in a country where many of the stores were tiny – only 2-4 people could fit inside and the owner was behind a tiny counter and that was the store – and it was hard to bring strollers inside. So people would just leave their babies in their strollers outside the store, perfectly safe, even in the largest city (population 7-8 million). I’ve often said that that country was ideal for raising kids in because unlike the US, kids are an appreciated section of society and people welcome them. Plus everyone is involved in helping care for them. Once when getting off a bus there was an older woman (probably the grandmother) accompanying a toddler or preschooler who was having a rough time with the stairs. I reached my hand out to her, she took it, proudly made her way the rest of the way down the stairs, and her grandmother thanked me. Unlike in the US where had I tried to help the little girl and didn’t know her I probably would have been yelled at. But in the other country it was more that we’re all in it together in terms of helping kids and protecting them and helping them grow.

        (I had other examples too but apparently I feel very strongly about this one so I’ll leave it at that.)

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      The shear quantity of stuff struck me after living in West Africa and returning to the US.

      For me it was a TJ Maxx type store near my parents, and the plastic dinosaurs with rip-out-able plastic chunks of flesh. For another volunteer visiting home it was her mom telling her to pick out a shampoo, and she said there are like 8 bottles in the shower (she had 2 sisters living at home) I’ll use one of those, and her mom really did not get this.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        I grew up on US military bases abroad and then was a Peace Corps volunteer in Chile.

        In Chile, I was surprised at the lack of civic engagement. This should not have surprised me – this was in 1993, only a few years after Pinochet stepped down (but he was still a senator). For instance, the family I stayed with in a poor Santiago neighborhood complained about the frequent power outages. “Why don’t you call your city councilman?” I asked. The adults looked at me like I was nuts. Which was a fair response, as the idea that government was supposed to be responsive to the people was not relevant to what they had lived during the dictatorship.

        When I returned home from Chile, I was overwhelmed by all the choices in the store. And I was disgusted by all the stuff people threw away, although to be fair, in Chile, I could find someone to repair my torn tennies and my broken Walkman. If I could find someone to do those kinds of repairs here, I wouldn’t be able to afford it.

    8. Justin*

      Well, as a Black American, I can tell you, we might have the loudest racists, but we do not by any means have a monopoly on it, and, sadly, aren’t anywhere close to the worst.

    9. fposte*

      I think one of the most important things, especially for Americans, is to break out of Main Country Syndrome. It doesn’t really even matter the specifics, whether it’s light bulbs or small talk or health care; it’s realizing that the way you and people around you do something is *a* way, not *the* way, and most of the people on the planet may do it completely differently. It’s a Copernican moment for culture.

    10. goddessoftransitory*

      I have not lived abroad, but I do really like Bill Bryson’s perspective on this issue in I’m A Stranger Here Myself, a collection of essays about moving back to the US after living in Britian, and Notes From a Small Island, which is a travel book about the reverse!

      His story about how physical distance and travel is completely culturally imposed is great–a distance “Most Americans would happily drive to get a taco” is seen as this major, discuss it in the pub for hours if not days undertaking in many areas of the UK.

    11. allathian*

      I lived in the UK for a year as a young teen. For me, the reverse culture shock was actually worse because I was also in the worst throes of puberty. We’d lived in what amounted to a rural village community before we left and returned to the suburbs of a large city. I also went from primary to secondary school in the UK.

      As a young adult, I spent 6 months in France as an exchange student and 6 months in Spain as an intern. Both experiences matured me because I couldn’t just call my parents if I had a problem.

      I learned to value a society where it’s normal and safe for kids as young as 7 to travel on public transit on their own.

  22. Children's Book Suggestions, Please*

    My nephew is expecting his first kid. I’d like to send the child a book every month, at least until they are old enough to send bookstore gift cards and pick out their own books. Help me with recommendations for books for kids 0-5!

    1. Flower*

      Good Night, Gorilla — it’s soooo wonderful I often read it myself before bed. :-) Comes in boardbook form for littles, as well as regular book form.

      2. Silent E*

        Yes to Good Night Gorilla (by Peggy Rathmann)! It’s very sweet, and because there’s no text, your nephew can “read” it himself when he’s old enough.

        Silly Sally (available in board book format) by Audrey Wood.

    2. Double A*

      Books that I actually enjoy reading to my kids when they were babies and that have held up well even as they have gotten older:

      -Baby Goes to Market by Atinuke
      -B is for Baby by Atinuke
      -King Baby by Kate Beaton
      -My Friends by Taro Gomi
      -Room on the Broom by Julia Davidson (really anything by this team but this was our first and still everyone’s favorite).

      1. Unkempt Flatware*

        OMG I just went down a rabbit hole (no pun intended). What a horrible thing! Cute books though!

    4. Jackalope*

      We always loved Bad Kitty by Nick Bruel, and it now has a whole series. Sandra Boynton’s books are fun too.

      1. tangerine*

        seconding Boynton. My husband & I still quote Boynton to each other. Kids left home a long time ago,

        1. The OG Sleepless*

          The moon is high. The sea is deep. They rock…and rock…and rock to sleep.

          (My daughter, who is now a musician, always did an elaborate rocking back and forth to that part.)

    5. KageB*

      These are mostly a little older than newborn but are all ones our kids have loved that are also fun to read aloud.
      – Everywhere Babies by Susan Meyers
      – Any of The Questioneers picture book series by Andrea Beaty. There are currently 6 books and they all have a truly wonderful cadence for reading aloud and beautiful illustrations.
      – We Don’t Eat Our Classmates by Ryan T Higgins
      – Mike Milligan and His Steam Shovel by Virginia Lee Burton
      – Duncan and Delores by Barbara Samuels

    6. Two cents*

      I have so many recommendations! Apologies, this will be a long list:
      -Anything by Sandra Boynton (Particular favorites: The Going to Bed Book, Opposites, Blue Hat Green Hat, Moo Baa La La La, Horns to Toes, and my personal favorite but that little kids will like but wont 100% get But Not the Hippopotamus)
      -Anything by Peggy Rathmann (Goodnight Gorilla, 10 Minutes to Bedtime, and for slightly older kids Officer Buckle and Gloria)
      -Richard Scarry (the best one is Cars and Trucks and Things That Go but Busy Town and 5 Minute Bedtime Stories are great too)
      -Rosemary Wells with her Max and Ruby books
      -Dr. Suess. Need I say more?
      -Gossie by Dunrea plus sequels
      -Giraffes Can’t Dance by Giles Andreae and Guy Parker-Rees
      -Chicka Chicka Boom Boom
      -Eric Carle (my favorite is Brown Bear Brown Bear What Do You See?)
      -Little Gorilla by Bornstein
      -The Mitten by Jan Brett
      -Sleep Tight Little Mouse by Morgan
      -We’re Going On a Bear Hunt
      -Freight Train by Crewes
      -Mouse Paint by Walsch
      -Where’s Spot by Eric Hill
      -Each Peach Pear Plum
      -Sheep in a Jeep
      -Jamberry
      -Little Blue Truck by Schertle and McElmurry
      -The Monster at the End of This Book
      -Funny Face by Nicola Smee

      For the older end of the spectrum (early very short chapter books):
      -Mr. Putter and Tabby
      -Henry and Mudge
      -Minnie and Moo

      Also, if there are cats in your brother’s child’s life, my kid loves the Simon’s Cat books.
      I know I am missing some great ones, I’ll write back when I think of more.

      1. Two cents*

        I thought of some more!
        -Tacky the Penguin
        -Five Minutes Peace by Murphy
        -Mike Mulligan and his Steam Shovel by Burton
        -Frog and Toad, any of them, by Lobel
        -Thunder Cake by Polacco (I love all of her stuff, but this one is my kid’s favorite)
        -Caps for Sale by Slobodkina
        -The Jim series from Suzanne and Max Lang

        And of course just sending the kid books as his or her interest gets going. We have a lot of construction site books, for example, or now whales and dinosaur books, which are big hits.

    7. Decidedly Me*

      Not a specific book, but if you travel, getting books from the places you go can be really nice. When I went to Italy, I got a bilingual kid’s book about the opera house I visited and my niece loved it.

    8. Six Feldspar*

      Possum Magic is an Australian classic (as long as the kid doesn’t get confused about different types of possums!)

      I was my parents first child and one of my uncles got them a book of Calvin and Hobbes comics with a note saying “they probably won’t be *this* bad, but just beware…” – so maybe something for the parents to be too?

    9. One of the many librarians*

      At the older end — The Big Orange Splot, by Daniel Pinkwater.

      Time for Bed is a terrific rhyming picture book, and the Good Dog, Carl series is nearly wordless and completely delightful.

    10. Yikes Stripes*

      Oh, gosh, I love this idea and question!

      • Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown – This one is an essential classic imo
      • The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown
      • Good Dog Carl by Alexandra Day
      • Pat the Bunny by Dorothy Kunhardt
      • Wonderful Babies by Emily Winfield Martin
      • Moo, Baa, La La La by Sandra Boynton
      • The Going to Bed Book by Sandra Boynton
      • Brown Bear Brown Bear, What Do You See by Bill Martin Jr and Eric Carle
      • 1 is One by Tasha Tudor
      • Llama Llama Red Pajama by Anna Dewdney – very on theme for Ask A Manager!
      • The Snowy Day by Ezra Jack Keats
      • Go, Dog! Go! by P. D. Eastman – my mother and I still quote this one to each other
      • Are You My Mother by P.D. Eastman – we quote this one too
      • Chicka Chicka Boom Boom by Bill Martin Jr and John Archambault
      • Corduroy by Don Freeman
      • The Monster at the End of This Book by Jon Stone
      • Grandfather Twilight by Barbara Helen Berger – this book is phenomenal and I wish more people knew about it!
      • Bedtime For Francis by Russell Hoban – this entire series is *great*
      • Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus! by Mo Willems
      • Knuffle Bunny: A Cautionary Tale by Mo Willems
      • Frog and Toad Are Friends by Arnold Lobel – the entire series is great for 4-5 year olds
      • Click, Clack, Moo: Cows That Type by Doreen Cronin – this book is AMAZING and unironically starts teaching about collective action. My niece adores it so much.
      • Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak
      • Olivia by Ian Falconer
      • Blueberries for Sal by Robert McCloskey

      That’s all I’ve got right now, but I’m going to check with my mom tomorrow – she taught preschool for decades – and may be back

        2. Yikes Stripes*

          I do! I like your party hat!

          The hat exchanges are the ones still quoted in our family without fail whenever someone puts a hat on.

      2. academic fashion*

        I’m so glad you mentioned Blueberries for Sal. That’s an old favorite of mine, but hardly anyone seems to have heard of it!

      3. The OG Sleepless*

        Oh, so many of those were our favorites! My son’s name is Carl so we got gifted the Carl books a lot. How I loved “reading” those books and softly explaining the pictures to him. And I still have a copy of Jamberry and I was a little crestfallen to find out that he didn’t remember it at all.

      4. goddessoftransitory*

        Blueberries for Sal reminds me: Make Way for Duckings! Same illustrator and a timeless book.

    11. Turtle Dove*

      My family’s top two favorites are currently in their second generation of popularity: Whose Mouse Are You by Robert Kraus and Pierre by Maurice Sendak. Even the adults enjoy reading them. Also, Carole King put the Pierre story to music and sang it. That’s a family hit too.

      Other family favorites include Beautiful Oops! and Make Way for Ducklings.

    12. Falling Diphthong*

      Some general advice: Try reading the book aloud. Some adaptations are lovely, and some clunky. For example I recall a baby board version of Go Dog Go that lost the “plot” of the original book but fully captured the poetry, while a version of Dr Suess’s ABC stuffed all the prose into the same pattern and killed the poetry that made the original a classic.

      Interactive:
      David Carter’s pop-up books
      The Spot books by Eric Hill

      Owl Babies by Martin Weddell
      The Good Dog Carl series by Alexandra Day. This thoroughly brainwashed my oldest, who expected that she and the rottweiler we met on walks would be departing on adventures as soon as they could ditch their respective adults.
      Books by Helen Oxenbury
      Books by Sandra Boynton
      Books by Peggy Rathmann
      The Max and Ruby series by Rosemary Wells. My husband and I still quote “Bad egg!” at each other, and the children are in their 20s.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Oh! Freight Train by Donald Crews. This is a very simple book about different colors of train cars that somehow is utterly soothing.

    13. CityMouse*

      I have a five year old. The one hard thing about it is that you get a LOT of copies of the classics (I think we had four copies of The Very Hungry Caterpillar). If you’re going to send a book a month you might consider doing consumables like sticker books or coloring books just because new parents often end up with a ton of stuff and run out of space (yes, even books, people who say you can’t have too many books haven’t lived in a small apartment or seen my double-stacked bookshelves). Small kids can get obsessive too, so you often end up reading the same book every night for months or years. I also take my son to the library about once a week.

      Kids well under 5 also can pick out their own books, too so you don’t need to worry too much about curating, especially going into age 5.

      I like the idea of giving books, I do think a book a month for 5 years will be a bit too much.

      That being said, if you stick with this plan, smaller books like Boyton are a good idea (Dinosaur Dance was an obsession of my son’s around age 2).

    14. Anono-me*

      ‘The Snowy Day” by Keats
      “There’s a Monster at the End of this Book” by ‘Grover’
      A friend gives personalized books staring the Baby. The books are similar to what shutterfly might do, but the pages are sturdier. For example one book is “ADay with Baby A”. It started with a nice photo of Mom and Baby A having breakfast and went from there.

    15. academic fashion*

      Sheep in a Jeep.

      A rhyming book about sheep who go on an adventure in their jeep. No spoilers, but the book is VERY funny (even for adults) with adorable illustrations.

      1. HBJ*

        Yes, it’s so good even for adults! And there are sequels that are almost as good (sheep in a shop and sheep out to eat are the best of the sequels. Sheep on a ship is pretty good too. On a hike and go to sleep are ok. Never read the Halloween one).

    16. curly sue*

      For babies and toddlers, anything by Sandra Boynton! My kids loved her board books, and as parents we didn’t actually get sick of them. Moo, Baa, La La La is the big one, but we actually preferred “Not the Hippopotamus,” “Snuggle Puppy,” “Blue Hat, Green Hat,” and her alphabet book.

      (Our copy of snuggle puppy even came with a plushie puppy, which received a lot of love.)

    17. Gamer Girl*

      “Kitten’s First Full Moon” and “Waiting”

      Both by Kevin Henkes. Beautiful books and illustrations, both award winning, both very calm and lovely reads. And congrats to you! :)

    18. Purple m&m*

      Ten Minutes ‘Till Bedtime is good for 3 years and up. Way more fun than at first glance and the kids pick out new things in the pictures every time.

    19. Part time lab tech*

      Board books
      So Much, Trish Cooke and Helen Oxenbury (That baby is just cherished by his extended family)
      Going on a Bear Hunt (make up hand actions for the different stuff they’re going through ,eg rub hands for swish)
      Mem Fox is great.
      Baby Almanack is also a match picture game for toddlers and it shows a variety of families.

      Older
      The Market Bowl, Jim Averbeck
      Daisy the Real Food Hero by Leigh Shinde and Anneli Shorter is charming and written by a friend of mine so I might be biased. My family has food intolerances though so it’s relevant for us.
      Do Not Open This Book, Andy Lee
      Scary Night, Lesley Gibbes and Stephen Michael King

    20. sigh*

      younger ages :
      press here
      goodnight goodnight construction site
      baby loves (nonfiction stem board books)
      knuffle bunny

      preschool :
      the book with no pictures
      biscuit (whole series here)
      Henry and mudge series
      Don’t let the pigeon drive the bus (and series)
      Non fiction books on topic of their fascination (dinos, cars, space, maps, etc)

      more for the 5y/o age range
      magic treehouse series
      dino sports series
      easy read biographies (ordinary people change the world)
      non fiction about their topics of interest.

    22. Mephyle*

      Consider the 4 stages of literacy:
      I: Eats books: books that can safely go in baby’s mouth.
      II: Tears books up: cardboard and cloth books
      III: Looks at pictures – on their own, and while being read to: Interesting pictures (maybe bright and colourful, but on the other hand, some can be detailed in subtle colours, with many things to find). Stories that are simple and entertaining, but you never know what story will capture any individual child’s interest.
      IV: Reads.

    23. Manders*

      Sign them up for Dolly Parton’s Imagination Library! My friend’s kiddo loves the books so much that she refers to Dolly as Grandma

      1. Mystery*

        Yes! and pass this info on to people having financial troubles. A free book per month from birth until age 5.

    24. goddessoftransitory*

      Goodnight Moon, forever and always.

      I also adore 10 Minutes to Bedtime and the old Richard Scarry books for their endlessly perusable illustrations! Oh, and Dr. Seuss, of course!

    26. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Such wonderful suggestions here! For when the kid is closer to 5, maybe

      *Ada Twist, Scientist*
      the Eloise books
      Maurice Sendak’s Nutshell Library (tiny versions of *Alligators All Around*, *Chicken Soup With Rice*, *Pierre*, and *One Was Johnny*). Might need to do a little content warning/skipping for some parts that are scary or offensive.

      When I was five and just learning to read, I loved it when my babysitter read *Mary Poppins* to me and when my kindergarten teacher read us *Chitty Chitty Bang Bang*.

    27. Love me, love my cat*

      Press Here by Herve Tullet. I bought the board book. Interactive book where readers are instructed to do things like press the yellow dot on a page. When you turn the page, there are two dots. Other pages include more dots/colors, and in differing sizes and positions. Shaking the book, rubbing the dots…lots of cute “activities.” Guessing best suited for a 2yr old?

    28. Love me, love my cat*

      Octopants by Suzy Senior. Absolutely charming. I may have to buy myself my own copy! The illustrations by Claire Powell are also superb. The book is probably best for a child maybe at least 3 yrs old? But it’s a story about a little octopus who can’t find any underwear to wear. It even has a surprise ending.

    29. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Any of Shel Silverstein’s poetry books! They’re fun for kids to listen to, and satisfying when they learn enough to read them themselves.

    31. Ali + Nino*

      There are so many great suggestions here but if you are open to something a little different from your original idea, I highly recommend a subscription to Highlights magazine! they have three magazines each geared toward different ages, the one for ages 0-2 is called Hello. Each month a different them like “the city” or “animals” or “feelings,” they have a baby version of Hidden Pictures, and they make the magazines durable/safe for babies to put in their mouths, lol. Hope this helps!

    32. Veronica*

      You Are My I Love You by Maryann Cusimano. First read it when browsing for a baby shower gift and my eyes kept blurring with tears. Has been loved by so many new parents I’ve gifted it to since. It reflects on the relationship between parent and child where the parent brings comfort and stability and the child brings joy and adventure. “I am your water wings; you are my deep. I am your open arms; you are my running leap.”

    33. Venus*

      Anything by Robert Munsch, with personal preferences for Paperbag Princess, Love you Forever, Mud Puddle, and From Far Away.

      Oh, and Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, Very Bad Day

  23. Ladybird*

    The Oi Frog series.
    All the Julia Donaldson books.
    Paddington series.

    You’ll easily get a couple of years out of those.

    Also for the younger time period, the ‘That’s not my….’ series

  24. talos*

    I’m strongly considering traveling to Taiwan for roughly one week around Thanksgiving (as part of a longer trip). Pitch me on some interesting things to see and do there! I generally quite enjoy city tourism, but I’m also down for a hike or two so long as they don’t involve complicated logistics.

    A couple more specific questions as well:
    – I’m vegetarian. I’m aware that this is usually hard when traveling, but is there a good way to communicate about this?
    – Are there any recommendations on how to learn very basic Chinese? It has a reputation as a difficult language for English speakers to learn.
    – Is there anything I should buy or download ahead of time (apps, specific museum tickets, etc)?

    Thanks!

    1. Catherine*

      If you’re in or around Taipei, hike Elephant Mountain. It’s kind of crowded but gorgeous enough to be worth it.

      My favorite things there were night markets and early-morning hawker stands. My favorite excursion was going up to Maokong on the gondola to explore the tea shops.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      For learning basic Chinese, I know a lot of folks use Duolingo, but I’d give Mango Languages a go. Your library may even give you a free membership for it, and it’s less game-ified than Duolingo is.

      Also, general tips when learning:

      1. Even though fluent speakers will speak quickly, if you’re a beginner and want to be understood, don’t rush over syllable—give each syllable equal weight slowly.

      2. It’s a tonal language. You know tones already for English. “You hate that dress” has different tones from “You hate that dress?” The major difference is that in English the tones change the meaning of the sentence (in this example, from statement to question). In Chinese, changing the tone changes the meaning of the word. You could be saying “buy” or “sell,” depending on the tone you use for the same-ish sound.

    3. Justin*

      I’m vegetarian too and have visited Taiwan. Honestly if you’re in any sort of place tourists ever go, you should be fine communicating your dietary needs as Someone will know some English or there will be signs.

    4. Feeling Feline*

      Regard to vegetarianism, just show them the following phrases:

      喫素 (eat vegetarian)
      喫齋 (eat Chinese Buddhist Vegetarian*)
      不喫肉 (don’t eat meat**)
      不喫葷腥 (don’t eat flesh food***)

      */*** both has religious connotations, though afaik no one will be mad at you if you are not a Chinese Buddhist and choose to eat this way. The definition can vary, most certainly no animal flesh, likely vegan, most certainly no banned food like garlic, ginger, onions etc, and most certainly no alcohol.

      ** can be risky because you might get served fish if you get a vendor with weird definitions of meat.

      1. Cardboard Marmalade*

        This is the way! In my experience, if you can find a restaurant that specifically caters to Buddhist vegetarianism, you will be assured of having a lot of interesting, high-quality choices.

    5. Filosofickle*

      In Taipei, my off-the-beaten-path suggestion is the Puppetry Museum. On the beaten path, I really enjoyed the scenic ride on the Maokong Gondola and the panorama atop Taipei 101. It’s an international chain now, but you can’t go wrong with Din Tai Fung for xiao long bao.

      If you have a chance to get out of the city, Taroko National Park is a gorge made of marble, and it is stunning. We did a night in Hualien, a day in the park, then over to Sun Moon Lake. That was the best part of the time I spent there, it was nice to see natural side of the island.

      It is a tough language and my trip was short notice so all I learned was basic greetings and thank you, and they were surprised and amazed I even had that. (Which is sad, but it worked in my favor.) The Taiwanese were the sweetest locals I’ve ever encountered — they worked incredibly hard to be welcoming and helpful to us.

  25. BellaStella*

    Tips for moving slow growing tomatoes inside now? I planted seeds in June and bow have two inch tall plants (I live at 3700feet altitude) and want to bring them inside to keep them alive and maybe grow enough to make tomatoes? Tips appreciated. I will put the pots in the sunny window and water them when needed.

    1. Reba*

      Light from a window will probably not give them enough energy to produce fruit, I’m sorry to say. Grow lights plus hand pollination are needed for indoor growth. (I’ve done this once and won’t bother again :) )

    4. MissB*

      Consider growing one of the micro varieties like Baker Creek Seed’s Orange Hat variety. It’ll grow inside in a south facing window in normal room temperatures. I’ve grown it in the winter and spring. My current micro varieties (from other seed companies) are outside sprouting right now, and will be potted up and moved inside soon. The micros seem to be self fertile, you don’t even need to jiggle the plant or pollinate with a brush or anything.

      I also grow a patio cucumber inside in the winter and spring. The variety I grow is available from several seed companies – I think the one I have sprouting now is from Botanical Interests. It’s a smaller version of the Beit Alpha cuke, reminds me a lot of the small ones you can get from Trader Joe’s.

      Anyway, both the cuke and the tomatoes were reasonably productive in my south facing front window. I gave the cuke a support to climb on, but it’s really just a trellis that fits over the pot and is maybe 2’ high.

  26. Helvetica*

    I’ll be in New York in November and while I have lived there before temporarily, so I know all the usual things to do, I want to know what is your favourite obscure thing to do, place to go, food to eat, etc.?

    1. Atheist Nun*

      If you like Christmas decorations–and I say this as an atheist who adores Christmas decorations–it is never too early (or late) for Rolf’s! In November it might not be too crowded yet to enjoy a drink at the bar and revel in the magic.

    2. Turtle Dove*

      Years ago, our NYC friends took us to Deluxe Green Bo in Chinatown and ordered prawns with walnuts for the table. “Sounds weird but tastes amazing.” Wow! We go back every visit. Take cash; they don’t accept credit cards.

      Besides that we mostly walk for miles, people watch, and pop into shops that catch our eye. I’ve liked Fishs Eddy and Zabar’s in the past but don’t go every trip.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      The Museum of Math is deeply engaging, and yet my math-y relatives living in NYC hadn’t been there. All interactive with minimal signs, and neat for toddlers through PhDs. It’s small and so ideal for a visit of a couple of hours.

    4. Justin*

      People go to Chinatown because it’s right there, but I’d go eat in Flushing, which has a much wider range of cuisines and is also a lot cheaper.

    5. Harriet J*

      If you’ve never visited the Museum of Arts and Design on Columbus Circle I highly recommend it and its restaurant “Robert” has amazing views of NYC.

    6. Decidedly Me*

      I really liked the Museum at Eldridge Street, which is a historic synagogue. I found it randomly when I was visiting because I was looking for something near me that was open late and they happened to be that day.

      1. Nitpicker*

        Also the Tenement Museum which is right nearby. What it sounds like – an old tenement with apartments reswtored as they were when people lived there. And a great book/gift shop.

    7. Mephyle*

      I took my first ever trip there last year, and found some interesting and less well-known things to do from Atlas Obscura.
      Some highlights (both obscure and not, and big and small) were the Tenement Museum, the Mmuseumm, the Morgan Library and Museum, the High Line, the Brooklyn Museum, the Museum of the City of New York, the African Burial Ground National Monument (do stay to watch the film), and the self-guided tour of the Seneca Village site in Central Park.

      1. Michelle Smith*

        Seconding the Morgan Library. The best first date I ever had was there. It’s truly a magical and beautiful place.

    8. Fiona*

      Museum of the Moving Image in Astoria, Russian or Central Asian food in the Brighton Beach area (e.g. Cafe Kashkar), Museum of the City of New York uptown, Green-Wood Cemetery, Elizabeth Street Gardens if they still exist by November!

  27. Oink*

    I love hearing about happy animals. How spoiled are your pets?

    My dog is basically the supreme ruler of the household. My husband carefully makes her bed each night and tucks her in like a human baby. He gets upset when she jumps out of the car (“it’s bad for her joints”) so he insists on lovingly and gently lifting her in and out each time we drive anywhere. She weighs 80lbs. When our dog tripped and VERY mildly hurt herself the whole family followed her around like she was dying, singing songs to her and gently rubbing her belly while telling each other not to show any worry in front of her in case the dog senses our emotions and gets upset. Even I have to admit we go overboard and a little ridiculous when it comes to our dog.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I spoil my dogs with toys and bones. Right now without moving from my seat on the couch I see six bones, five stuffy toys, three other chew type toys, plus Abigail’s Mickey Mouse ice cream shaped toy that seriously I don’t know how it’s still in one piece. There are also three dog beds and four dog blankets. (There are two dogs.)

      My husband, no matter how much I frown at him, spoils my dogs with treats and junk food. Never anything that’s actively bad for them, but the man is not capable of opening a bag of shredded cheese without yelling CHEESE TAX and dramatically OOPS pretending to drop a pinch of shredded cheese on the floor. In front of their noses. In another room from the kitchen. Don’t get me started on pizza bones. Luckily they love carrots too.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My Elder Statesdog Gone Beyond (three years ago today actually :( ) had to stay with my parents for a few weeks when she was 4, while I was traveling. My dad got all gruff, “I hope you don’t expect us to treat her like a human.”
        Me: “What does that even mean?”
        Dad: “Exactly what I said.”
        Me: “Um. Ok, well, will you feed her meat cereal twice a day as directed?”
        Dad: “Yes.”
        Me: “And make sure she has regular access to clean water?”
        Dad: “Naturally.”
        Me: “And let her out in the backyard when she needs to go, and otherwise take care of her basic needs?”
        Dad: “Of course.”
        Me: “Well, ok, that’s all I’m asking of you.”
        Dad: “I’m just saying, she’s a dog, we’re not treating her like a human.”
        (Mom: *rolls her eyes behind dad’s back*)

        Six weeks later, I came back to pick her up. Dad says “She really likes MASH.” I said “…. sorry, what now?” Turns out that for six weeks, every time they left the house, he turned the TV on for her so she wouldn’t be lonely, and he decided her favorite show was MASH. :P

        Five years after that, my husband and housemate decided to watch a MASH marathon, and doggy came running from another part of the house and curled up on the couch in between them to watch it with them. :)

    2. anon24*

      My cat is so spoiled he has his own playlist on YouTube of videos that he’s approved and enjoys (all video game ambience games. he loves those, and commentary free walkthrough videos for Skyrim/Oblivion/Witcher). If he doesn’t like a video he knows how to signal to me and it goes off the list. I work 12/16 hour shifts overnights and go to college in the afternoons and he gets stressed and anxious when I’m gone, so I put the playlist up on full screen mode on my computer when I leave at night and Bluetooth it to speakers playing quietly throughout my apartment. I’ve noticed he’s much calmer and happier in the morning when I do this, but if I try to turn it off when I get home he’ll throw a tantrum. This week I gave my computer a 5 hour break on Wednesday when I got home until I had to leave again, but otherwise it’s been running since Monday.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      My husband developed a dairy allergy and experimented with plant based milks, but Destructobot does not recognize dairy substitutes and she needs to lap up a small spoonful of milk from his cereal or how does the day even begin, so he does lactaid even though he doesn’t like it as much.

      Destructobot once popped up to attempt to consume my bright pink borscht, and when I looked at the ingredient list there was no meat (I was guessing chicken broth) but it contained sour cream.

    4. CityMouse*

      My cat likes to do flips chasing her feather toy. She’ll jump so hard, she’s accidentally slid under furniture and will go until she’s panting like a dog.

    5. StrayMom*

      Oh gosh, Binx (the former barn cat), is VERY particular about his water. I have water bowls in four different rooms, and a kitty water fountain, but his favorite is drinking from the kitchen faucet, and the stream has to be just so. Our daughter and son-in-law were visiting over the holidays when Binx sat at my husband’s feet and meowed loudly until he turned on the water. My daughter looked knowingly at her husband, and then at her father, and said “Dad, you folded like a cardboard box!”

    6. ecnaseener*

      My dog will not eat unless a majority of the humans in the room sit on the kitchen floor with her to watch her eat. It can’t be just one person, she needs a quorum. She’ll run around jumping on people’s legs and whining at them until they stop oh-so-selfishly neglecting her dinner party.

      1. Bibliovore*

        a recent development. The Tillie dog needs an audience or she will not eat. Her godmother explained to me that the dog really likes to be on the settee. She lays down like the Sphinx and the godmother holds the bowl under her chin as she noshes.
        I nodded and smiled. There is no way I will ever do that.

    7. GoryDetails*

      My house is decorated almost entirely in cat-furniture (and of course the cats use the human furniture too). Multiple tall, heavy cat-trees, smaller step-stool scratching posts, fluffy cat beds on the bay window ledge… Looking around I count two cat-trees and five small scratching posts and tunnels, and that’s just in the living room. (I have three cats, and they love having all the different levels, but it may be a biiiiit too much.)

      I also put down empty boxes for them whenever packages come in, and they do enjoy those – though one of them chews the edges ragged, leaving cardboard confetti everywhere. But they love it so much I haven’t the heart to keep the boxes away from them.

    8. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Once a month I have Donut Friday for my calico. It must be a butternut donut from Dunkin Donuts; no substitution is accepted. The Dunkin Donuts within walking distance does not always have them, so I have to drive to one further away to procure it. When she hears the crinkle of the bag she comes running as fast as her little stubby legs can go. I pull out some of the soft innards of the donut for her, and she gets to lick the butternut bits off the plate when I’m done. Alas, this morning she only got some of my croissant, which is her second favorite baked good.

    9. Animal worker*

      I’ve had three parrots for decades now, and every place I’ve rented, and now the house I own, was picked in part to make sure the layout works for the bird cages. Not just having room for them, but each one needs to have a window view to look out of.

      Pretty much at least half of the main living space goes to them, I’ve lived places where I couldn’t fit any type of dining area at all due to the bird cages, so, I just ate at the coffee table or with TV tables at the couch. Luckily my current house has a bit island counter with an eating area, but the animal needs have always been the key factor in the choice of everywhere I’ve lived.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Oh yeah. I bought my house because it was getting harder to rent with two dogs. The younger one (at the time, now the older one) turned 1 the week after we moved in, and we joked that we bought her a fenced yard for her birthday :)

        1. Animal worker*

          I get it! And the first two things I did (and budgeted for in advance) when I bought the house was to have the front porch screened in and build a larger screened porch in the back. The cat that I got about 5 years ago thinks that the back porch was built for her, I’ll never tell her the truth.

    10. Hotdog not dog*

      Well, we did trade in our car for a different model that would be more comfortable for the late Best Good Dog to ride in, and selected upholstery that would blend with his fur. His successor, Big Hairy Doofus, is a similar size and color, which is fortunate as I like our current car and don’t want to trade it in yet.

    11. Flower necklace*

      I get up at 5 am every single day and the first thing I do is feed my cat. I can’t remember the last time I slept in on a weekend or a holiday. He gets fed four small meals a day – breakfast, sometime in the afternoon after I get home from work, dinner, and dry food from a timed cat feeder that opens around midnight. And he knows exactly when he’s supposed to be fed and will definitely complain if his food isn’t exactly on time.

    12. Busy Middle Manager*

      you will love the youtube channel agirlandadoodle. The dog is super fluffy and makes funny facial expressions and side eye, and the girl is very attentive and spoils him:-/

    13. Can't Sit Still*

      I have 3 cats in a 680 sq ft condo. I have multiple Mau cat trees, a large ceramic fountain on a pedestal, so no one has to lean down to drink, a chip feeder for my skinny cat, pet stairs everywhere, since one of my cats only has one middle ear, and tons of toys everywhere. Stormtrooper mice are a favorite of the clowder. I have multiple air filters, because one of my cats has allergies and another has asthma. I bought the condo in part because the cats would love the view. It’s surrounded by greenery with lots of birds, squirrels and butterflies. Plus, they get to people watch on the paths below the bedroom window. My scaredy cat, who previously spent all his time in apartment closets and under the bed, loves the condo. He comes out and is social now. In broad daylight! But he prefers lounging on his rocking chair in the bedroom, where he can both see out the window and survey the rest of his kingdom.

      The main reason I bought instead of continuing to rent was to reduce the disruption of moving in my cats’ lives. I can move whenever, but cats hate moving. So I bought a condo. It turns out, I quite like having my own space, too!

      1. Animal worker*

        All this just makes me happy. I love examples of people going out of their way to do good things for animals. And in various ways, this frequently benefits the doer too even if they don’t realize it at the time (like you having your own space).

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I knew we were slaves to Peanut cat when I spent more time on the phone trying to find an Air BnB or hotel that would let us bring a cat for two weeks during the Water Heater Meltdown than I did on anything else, including insurance and booking the movers.

    14. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      The dog owns all red bell pepper caps, and if you are eating cheese you must share.

      All toys must be out of the toy bin at all times. He only has 2-3 that he really plays with but he will not rest until all the toys are out.

      Whoever wakes up first lets the dog out and then goes around and opens everyone else’s door enough that the dog can choose who he wants to have morning snuggles with.

      If the dog is under the blankets and you need to get up, it is required that you do so without uncovering or moving the dog. Even if this involves moving in ways that would make an acrobat cringe.

    15. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      I take my dog (border collie) to PetSmart JUST so she can look at her besties, all the cats for adoption. She’ll stare for 10 minutes at them (I am very allergic, so she won’t be getting a cat). She looooooves them. And then she picks out a toy and carries it to the register. She also loves to “trust fall” backwards on me upon waking up in the morning, just so I can…smack her belly.

    16. goddessoftransitory*

      Our Peanut is doted upon and put up with, for sure! He demands belly rubs at least once per middle of the night, and his diet has been switched up/prescription/expensive his whole life. Currently he’s eating kibbles, tooth kibbles, wet food mixed with tuna and his sneaked in pill–he’s very old and we need to keep his weight up so he gets breakfast, second breakfast, morning snack (with pill) lunch, afternoon snacks 1 2 and 3, then dinner, then evening snack (with pill.)

    17. Bibliovore*

      The old lady 8 lb Bijon (came to us old as a foster fail) was NOT my husband’s dog. Mr. Bibliovore stated emphatically that this dog (who was blind, had heart failure, two bad back legs, and a mouth full of rotten teeth that needed to be pulled) was NOT his dog. This dog was to be MY responsibility.
      of course he was retired and when he was home she spent her days curled in his lap as he worked on his computer, tucked on the back of the couch by his neck when he red the paper, AND
      I discovered that every night when he made a bag of microwave popcorn, he would eat the hard part and feed her the soft bit. Sometimes he would line up the soft bits on the arm of the recliner so they would be all ready for her and she wouldn’t have to wait for him to bite off the hard part.

  28. (wall) painting/colours or stories*

    I just moved in to a new place, with a lot of sunlight. Since we could finally have colour, we put in a feature wall … and immediately hated how it went with the other walls (two colours from the same graded paint strip; other walls are similar base colour, just more white. Supposedly). So, how do we pick feature wall colours that go well together? Or stories of painting gone very badly? Colours or other reasons.
    My painting gone badly: at some point, painting was taking so long, we could no longer corral the cat. And, yes, we did end up with little kitty footprints all through the kitchen, hallway and stairs. As far as I know, they all washed off.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      A relative who is usually really good at this stuff painted the south-facing entryway and kitchen a bright yellow. When bathed in natural sunlight it was like walking into a pizza oven.

      I think accent walls generally work better as a marked contrast? So I would go farther off the strip.

      I love the way the outside of our house turned out (it is now dark blue with yellow doors) but I thought the intense blue of the little square would scale up to seem darker and grayer, and it instead got much brighter. So it can be hard to predict how the larger color will look.

      1. Turtle Dove*

        I agree with yellow paint and sunlight. Our south-facing hallway, painted pale yellow, is magical when the sun streams in.

    2. Sloanicota*

      I don’t think I’m the only person who did this, but I actually painted different walls slightly darker or lighter so that they would look more continuous. It’s so easy now with the way they mix paints at the store, I just bought one shade, then one shade up and one shade down. Anyone looking at my living-dining room would swear it’s all one continuous color, but it’s definitely not (I can prove it by pointing to a small line over one door frame). So if you like a color but not how the light affects it, perhaps that’s solution.

    3. Forrest Rhodes*

      Had to giggle about the kitty footprints. Your cat just wanted to contribute, and let you know that s/he was involved!

    4. Shiny Penny*

      I’ve heard it’s useful to paint a big sheet of cardboard with the paint in question, to audition it in different areas in your house, before committing. The larger surface area supposedly gives a more accurate feel than the tiny paint chips, especially with the way light changes at different times of day.

      I moved from a really dark place (wood panel walls) to a place with actual drywall that could omg actually be bright. My painter saved me from going overboard. He said the icy arctic white I initially chose would burn out my eyeballs in short order. So I went with a much softer creamier white, which has been perfect.

      I also know someone who hired a decorator to help with the choosing of the paint. It was just a regular family home! But it had low ceilings and felt dark, and the owners wanted the new paint to help counter that feeling. I think of hiring decorators as being reserved for very ostentatious homes, but apparently not!

    5. Love me, love my cat*

      When I was adopting my cat, the shelter volunteer told me about a cat who had been adopted and brought back shortly after, covered in paint. Owner was quite annoyed when surrending him. I can maybe understand a first-time cat owner making the mistake of not locking him up before painting, but it’s not the cat’s fault you’re stupid. Glad he was returned, mean people shouldn’t have cats.

    6. painting answers*

      Seconding the advice to paint a large sample sheet! You can go to a hardware store and get a sheet of 1/8″ plywood cut down. I had one cut into 2’x2′ squares so I had lots of sample boards to work with. Get LOTS of paint samples mixed and experiment with things. Samples should only be about $6 so a small investment. The website matchmypaintcolor dot com will give you an RGB estimate of what certain paint colors are, so you can use that to look at how values change across the strip, if you find that helpful (with the caveat that RGB is for digital colors, not for paint). I also found that Benjamin Moore colors tend to have more variation along the strip while Sherwin Williams colors look more complementary along the strip. But you might have to go off the strip too. If one of your colors is very light, you’re probably better looking at a complementary off-white than at a very light shade of the accent color. I needed a light accent for a yellow room and ended up using a separate cream, since the light yellows on the strip were not very pleasant shades to me. (For actual paint, I still used Benjamin Moore, just had it made in other brands’ colors. My local paint store did a great job matching shades.)

      I recently painted (after getting some advice here several months ago!) and some of my colors took a lot of trial and error too, so, solidarity! Regroup and try again, you’ll get there.

    7. Alex*

      I’ve done this and basically just held paint colors next to each other. My best combination was a peach-leaning beige (a color I would NEVER have thought to pick or thought I would like) with a teal-leaning rich green accent wall. This was a rental unit that my landlord gave me permission to paint, and they were thrilled with how it looked.

  29. So many things!*

    People were so kind and helpful a few weeks ago on the topic of estate sales after a parent’s passing. I’m going to go that route. I’ve already taken or given away to friends the most sentimental and beloved items. This weekend, before I give the estate sales company the green light, I’m going through and cleaning out the small things — “junk” drawers, trinkets, and all the little things we collect throughout our lives. None of these items have estate or sentimental value, and I don’t want them or have the space to keep them. But they were someone’s things. What have you told yourself to help you let go and (honestly) dispose of them? I want to handle this piece personally and have been going through every item out of respect for my parent. But, it’s also so emotionally draining. I’d appreciate advice from others who’ve been there. Bottom line: I care deeply, but I have to find a way to let go with love. Thank you!

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      This may seem counter to what you want, but is there someone who could help you by doing a cold-eyed unsentimental first pass, and then go through the reduced volume with you? So your emotional energy is being spent on a smaller amount of stuff and it’s less exhausting. The 2014 church bulletin, plastic-wrapped spork, and broken doll can be disposed of by someone else. Then the clippings and photos can be sorted with you. (Examples chosen specifically from doing this with my mom.)

      1. Reba*

        I like this advice.

        I also want to gently push back on the Op’s idea that handling stuff that their parents probably hadn’t thought about for years before they passed, and exhausting yourself in the process, is an obligatory way to honor them.

        I don’t know if this helps, and I hope this doesn’t sound disrespectful of your grief: If I imagine myself at the end of my life, I definitely wouldn’t want my descendants to spend their precious hours slogging through my junk drawer.

        Best wishes to you So Many!

    2. tangerine*

      My mother was a great seamstress. She died 15 years ago, but I still have some of the clothes she made me. Whenever one wears one, and I need to throw it away, I tell myself that the gift she gave me was teaching me to sew. (I can make my own clothes).

    3. MissGirl*

      There was an interior design show where the wife was adamant they couldn’t get rid of the kitchen table because it was her grandmother’s. Just so happen the grandmother was still alive and they asked her what she thought. She said she didn’t care as she’d only bought the table because it was on clearance in the sixties.

      I think about that when clearing out. Some stuff really didn’t have sentimental value. It was just stuff. I also, knowing my grandma, figure she kept stuff not out of love but out of obligation. She felt the same guilt about throwing it away. Im freeing her, me, and the future from toting around the emotional labor.

      1. So many things!*

        All of these responses are so helpful and appreciated! Emotional labor” really struck a chord, plus realizing that these items weren’t particularly valued at all, just retained out of habit and because there was a place to put them.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          And remember–a lot of this stuff just hadn’t been thrown out *yet.*

          Obviously there are precious things in your parents’ house, but it’s wild what registered as “priceless keepsake” and what as “eh, that thing’s still around?”

          I recently had to do a big purge of possessions, and ended up ditching a lot of things I’d gotten as wedding presents back in the day. It seemed like heresy, but I realized that all this stuff had sat untouched in a closet, still in boxes, and if I wasn’t being forced to handle it now it would have remained there.

          One day I will be gone and all my “stuff” scatter to the winds. It’s okay to practice that a little bit.

    4. Gamer Girl*

      I would set up a few big bins as you go through, each with a clear label:

      “trash” (no one will want or use it or it’s broken/useless)

      “paper to sort”: you don’t need to look through all the stacks of paper now. Box it and take it somewhere else to sort next.

      “Sentimental paper to sort”: Letters and photos, other similar memorabilia. This is the good stuff that you will likely find emotional gems you want to keep. Resist looking through it if you can and put it safely here. Otherwise, the clear out task gets way more emotional throughout.

      “Special recycle”: old batteries, medications, small old electronics, lightbulbs, etc: stuff that you’re definitely going to go through but will need to take to special disposal. Depending on the volume, you could make a bin for each type.

      Donate: Could you have a friend call up shelters and ask what they need? They may even offer a removal service that you can schedule, depending on what you will donate (dishes, clothes, books, etc). Then for the small items you would not have in the estate sale or non saleable like household linens, you may be able to get them out of the house quite quickly and in use, something that makes the task easier, in my experience!

      And, once you go through something, I would put a colored sticky note on each drawer to visually “see” that you’ve done it.

      And, be kind to yourself and remember to take a 10-15 minute break every hour at least. This stuff is so hard!

    5. RagingADHD*

      This may or may not work for you, but I found a lot of peace and comfort in really contemplating and leaning into what I believe about the soul and the afterlife.

      I do not believe my mom is watching over me, or had any f’s to give about her junk drawer. I believe she is in perfect joy and gazing on eternal glory. I honor her by loving our family members, and doing my best to rear her grandchildren well, and telling about her life.

      So when I got stuck on stuff like random objects, it helped me separate why this was affecting *me,* because I knew it had zero effect on her. For me, difficulty letting go of things was due to difficulty facing the fact that she was really gone. And that same process comes up over and over again, it’s not one and done. I agree with others that having someone else deal with the small stuff will help you take a step back and think big-picture.

      I’m sorry about your loss, and I wish you the best.

    6. Fellow Traveller*

      I heard the minimalists say this once and it’s really helped me:
      “ YOU are your parents’ legacy, not their stuff.”

    7. Ellis Bell*

      I actually found the whole Marie Kondo “Does it bring you joy?” question really sorted the wheat out from the chaff for me. It doesn’t have to be new, or in good repair if you genuinely get a kick out of it or a memory. However, if it’s just a vague sense of “it must have been important” to someone who’s not you, then you acknowledge that it’s already fulfilled it’s purpose with that person. I also like the way she acknowledges that some categories are harder to sort through than others, and it sounds like you’ve already done the sentimental category (the hardest one) and that now you’re doing the odds and ends category, which is the second hardest; no wonder you are tired and drained!

    8. Girasol*

      With Dad’s things, the rule was that if we couldn’t use it or love it, let it go to someone who could. A lot of really great things went to second hand stores like the ones where I found so many things that I loved and needed when I was young and too poor to afford nice things. It’s a comfort to think about who’s enjoying Dad’s things now. You can also photograph the things that you can’t keep but don’t want to forget, and then pass them on.

    9. So many things!*

      Wow, all advice/insight here is so, so helpful. You’re giving me different ways to think about this, and it’s making a difference. Thank you!

    10. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I basically had to Swedish Death Clean my apartment just now because of the roach/roach poison issue. I am not very sentimental, but I was still facing some self judgement — like, did I not love my mom enough if I wanted to throw out a lot of pictures of her?

      But then I realized that it was just pictures of her that I didn’t like or that didn’t have much meaning to me that I wanted to throw out. When I hit a picture I really liked, I wanted to keep it. So, with sentimental stuff like that, I focused on whether I actively really wanted to keep the item itself, not on what someone else might think about whether I kept it or not.

    11. widow*

      You have gotten a lot of good advice and I agree with much of it, being in the process of going through things now following the death of my husband. It’s been hard to let some things go, as they represent the life we shared together. But I tell myself that the little things and trinkets he collected do not represent him or us. They were things he found interesting at the time and, due to his declining health, did not have the energy to clean up later. If something feels really special to me, I set it aside and revisit it later. Otherwise, I have given myself permission to let the trinkets and little things go into the recycling, where they can hopefully be re-purposed, or the trash. I have so many other things that are more special.

    12. RLC*

      Speaking as someone who has been sorting their late parents’ belongings for over a year (full time, living on site), the most helpful question I ask myself: “will this still-useful item bring joy to another person if I let it go?” Over the decades I’ve benefited from the things others have cleared out, so I will now let others have a chance to find joy in what I no longer need.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I used this too when I was spending like a year and half cleaning out my parents’ stuff. Such a long, long slog, isn’t it? I wish they had gotten rid of some of this stuff themselves!

        But it did make me happy when I was able to donate their stuff to places where someone else could enjoy it.

      2. Anon for this*

        Wowww the time commitment for that is unreal, mad props to you both. Long story short we anticipate being left a lifetime of crap by my In-laws because they refuse to go through it themselves. (I understand, it is a daunting task) If my spouse wants to go through all that he can do it by himself because my solution would be: into the trash it goes.

  30. Moonglow*

    Next week I turn 41, so I’ve decided it’s finally time to grow up and eat some vegetables. The problem, of course, is that I hate them…

    Taking any and all advice on adding veggies to my diet. Quick easy snacks, hiding them in other food, good cookbooks/recipes/youtube recs… Thanks in advance for your help!!

    1. Thatgirl*

      First, have you tried a lot? There’s a huge variety out there beyond broccoli, corn and lettuce. Try roasting them, or adding seasonings, or even ranch dip. Try to get at what appeals to you the most – cooked? Uncooked? Is it texture, flavor, scent?

      My husband doesn’t really like most veggies either. He will eat a small salad (various greens and shredded carrot) and eats things that have been blended into sauces or soups – roasted tomato/bell pepper/carrot/onion or spinach that’s been pureed into potato soup, etc. so, some ideas. Trial and error. Good luck.

    2. Knighthope*

      Google “Most popular vegetables in [your country].” Check out a farmers’ market and talk to the vendors.

    3. Blue Cactus*

      I’m a big fan of spring rolls. You can really pack them full of veggies but the combination of finger food and fun dipping sauces makes them more fun than a salad!

    4. ecnaseener*

      Forgive me if you already know this, but just in case: if you’ve only tried a given vegetable boiled or steamed, try it again roasted or sauteed. Use plenty of butter or olive oil, and salt. (There’s a good youtube video by Ethan Chlebowski with more tips.) With a lot of vegetables, the difference between water-based and oil-based cooking is truly night and day. (Plus, it may actually increase the nutrient intake, so don’t feel bad about using those fats!)

      I find spinach is easy to include in other things without getting a spinachy taste — I make spinach quiche for breakfast, and I get frozen spanakopita from the grocery store.

      1. MJ*

        Highly recommend roasting! It makes such a difference to the flavour. And don’t be afraid to push into “charring” – the added taste of taking things to the edge of burnt is yummy.

    5. GoryDetails*

      Well, there’s such a wide variety in flavors and textures from different vegetables and different preparation methods that you might just need to experiment to find the ones you like.

      Roasting makes nearly all vegetables very tasty, and it’d be easy to make yourself a sampler of different roasted veggies so you could compare them.

      If you generally prefer milder or sweeter flavors, the colored sweet peppers tend to be milder than the green ones. You can try them raw with dip, roasted (whether you roasted them from fresh or got them from a jar), shredded into a slaw…

      Smoothies or blended soups are another texture/style; mix the veggies-you-want-to-eat-more-of with fruits-you-already-like, maybe add some seasonings to change up the flavor profile.

      I’ve found a number of recipe books for smoothies and for “eating your colors” that feature ways to prepare and enjoy vegetables. Some examples:

      Rainbow Food by Linda Louis

      Cook Color by Maria Zizka

      Color Me Vegan by Colleen Patrick-Goudreau

    6. Ellis Bell*

      Vegetables are a big category, so is there anything you particularly hate, or anything you see as being more tolerable, or a good starting point? Aside from that, I would start with the sweeter types of vegetables, like carrots, peppers, sweet potatoes etc. I would mix them up with complimentary ingredients you do like, in pestos, sauces, salsas and soups and dips. Don’t forget guacamoles or a good coleslaw as well, you can always swap the cabbage for carrot or try purple cabbage as well as white. If it’s not a question of sweetness but of blandness you might enjoy pickled or curried vegetables (home made piccallili is a delight). Don’t forget that beans also count as one of your daily portions (black bean tacos! chilli! beans on toast!).

    7. Cutting solutions*

      taking inspiration from another commenter: try smothering in spicy sauce or curry, if you like those, until you get used to the flavour. commit to trying each veggie 20-50 times. Our tastebuds do adjust, but it can take a surprisingly long time.

      1. Generic Name*

        This is a great point about trying each vegetable multiple times. I did that with my son, and it seems to have worked. I told him he had to try at least one bite. If he truly hated it and had to spit it in the sink, that’s fine, but the rule was he had to try a vegetable on at least 4 or 5 different occasions. Now, at 17, he’ll eat most vegetables. He doesn’t like a few vegetables (peppers, chunky tomatoes, spinach) but others he recently decided he likes after not liking them before (mushrooms).

      2. Yikes Stripes*

        Twenty to fifty times? Seriously? Forcing myself to eat something I don’t like that many times sounds genuinely awful.

        1. Ellis Bell*

          The figure I heard was closer to 12, but it depends what you mean by forcing. Like, if you had serious sensory issues with food and you’re balking, you might need a different approach (we can’t rule out super tasters and food instincts, for example I know people who have always instinctively avoided things they later turned out to have an allergy to). But if we’re talking about an entire category of food, and if you know that your taste buds won’t get coded into appreciation of the taste properly until after a significant number of encounters, you might persevere if you simply don’t care for it, but can put up with it. It does work, actually. It’s why kids like to separate out their foods so that they can learn the individual tastes. It’s actually the unfamiliarity of the food that we dislike a lot of the time.

          1. Yikes Stripes*

            I guess I just don’t believe that tastebuds can be coded into appreciation through exposure. If that was the case I wouldn’t hate broccoli – I had it dozens of times as a child and it still tastes every bit as much like rotting sulfur.

            Like, sure, maybe if a food is entirely new to you then exposure would be enough? That makes sense. But continuing to force yourself eat something you actively find disgusting/hate in the hopes that *this* time will flip the magic switch to make your tastebuds appreciate it just seems like an act of self-cruelty.

            1. Ellis Bell*

              Sometimes people genuinely just hate broccoli! If you’re describing it as sulfur, that’s a big hint that it might be more than a challenge. It’s worth keeping in mind that you don’t necessarily keep tasting the food prepared the exact same way every time. For example I never have and probably never will develop a liking to boiled Brussels sprouts in spite of having had them that way umpteen times, but the first time I tried them roasted I considered them tolerable, then okay, then intriguing, and then eventually great. Same deal with olives.

    8. jm*

      My mom used to overcook veggies; much better stir fried or grilled or roasted. Your solution is probably out there in variety. Many good suggestions have been made

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I still remember my in-laws bringing home a bunch of asparagus with spears an inch thick, which they prepared by boiling them for a long time.

        And they were gardeners!

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      Lots of vegetables are very good tossed with some olive oil and salt and then roasted.

      Check your library for cookbooks focused on vegetables: I’ll recommend Ottolenghi’s Plenty. It can suggest a lot of simple preparations to try different vegetables.

      1. MJ*

        I used to live near an Ottolenghi restaurant in London. One of my indulgences was getting a takeaway contained of multiple yummy!! veggie dishes. They stuffed it so full I usually got 2 or 3 meals out of it.

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      There are now a lot of small varieties of vegetables–cherry tomatoes, mini cucumbers, lipstick peppers–that remove the chopping and wrapping and saving half an eggplant aspect of their larger counterparts.

    11. Pippa K*

      One thing you might try in the course of working out what vegetables you like is to go through one at a time – say, carrots – and prepare them different ways. So roasted carrots with olive oil and salt, then next time stir-fried carrots with ginger and garlic, then steamed carrots with butter. As other have said, the differences in texture and seasoning can be significant – I always thought I didn’t like cooked carrots, but it was just that I didn’t like the bland mushy ones my mother made. Carrots themselves weren’t the problem!

    12. sigh*

      Try mixing up how they are prepared. If you’ve only had steamed broccoli, try it raw, roasted or stir fried. If you hate raw peppers, maybe you will like them in a stew. And of course try

      Vegetables != salad. Lots of things go great on pizza. And most soups/stews are a great way to toss in a few types of veggies.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Size of the cut can matter too! For instance, I don’t like big long spears of red pepper in a salad, but do like it when it’s diced smaller.

        1. ampersand*

          Yes, this is important! Many vegetables can be difficult to eat when they’re in large pieces (broccoli…so much chewing) and cutting them up into manageable pieces makes them much easier to eat, IMO.

    13. Sloanicota*

      I’ve been buying one new veggie at a time – whatever looks interesting at the grocery store, price no object – and then spending time researching how to cook it multiple ways – usually by roasting it, eating it raw with hummus in small amounts, using it in a stirfry, and then trying it in a soup/curry. The adventure makes me more willing to try my results and I’ve found a few new things I like that way. As a bonus, I try to rotate the color of the veggie so I’m eating the rainbow week over week.

    14. Generic Name*

      My secrets to yummy veggies are roasting (make sure you use enough oil), sautéing in butter (don’t skimp on the butter) or dip in ranch or put cheese on them. I grew up during the “low fat” craze of the eighties, and with apologies to my mother, food cooked with no fat is just bland and dry. So I had to learn to cook vegetables in ways besides boiled or steamed. If you do steam veggies, don’t overcook. There should still be some crunch and in the case of broccoli or green beans, the color should still be bright green. I think some people think that a vegetable “doesn’t count” if it’s been doctored with cheese or a lot of butter, but I disagree. Also, I think some vegetables are better raw, like carrots and cauliflower.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Pre-cut raw veggies dipped in ranch (or a premade French onion dip) can be so yummy!

      3. Professor Plum*

        Get a spiralizer—they make veggie prep fun! From zucchini noodles to sweet potato fries to cabbage shreds. I use zucchini in my eggs almost every day—slice halfway through the zucchini lengthwise before spiraling to get short zoodles. Also try butternut squash noodles—stir fry and add bacon, fresh sage and Parmesan cheese.

        Here’s a good beginner’s guide that includes a link to a YouTube video as well. https://downshiftology.com/spiralizer-beginners-guide/

        Keep a toothbrush or similar scrub brush near the sink for easy blade cleanup—be careful with the blades—they are very sharp.

        If you’ve got good thrift stores nearby you can pick up a nice spiralizer for a few bucks—I like the ones that have a suction cup on the bottom so they don’t shift awhile you’re using them.

    15. Bike Walk Barb*

      I eat and love so many vegetables now that I loathed as a kid. My mom was a good cook, but hiding the zucchini and mushrooms in a casserole didn’t fool me one bit. Everything people said about trying different food preps.

      Sounds as if you like to cook. Cookbooks:
      – Salt Fat Acid Heat for an incredible lesson in cooking chemistry and really good recipes.
      – Six Seasons by Josh McFadden. Emphasizes eating foods in season, which will give you the best flavors.
      – World Vegetarian by Madhur Jaffery.
      – The Flavor Equation by Nik Sharma. I haven’t read this yet but I’m looking forward to learning what really makes flavors sing, what goes with what.

      Whatever cuisine you enjoy, search on that plus vegetarian or vegan. So many great cookbooks and sites! Afro-Vegan by Bryant Terry sings with spice and heat, and stories about the regions and the ingredients (plus a playlist! A song for each recipe). I just got East by Meera Sodha.

      When all else fails, good cheese is your BFF. Just about any vegetable can be tasty with the right cheese accent. Go for tangier cheeses on sweeter vegetables for a nice flavor contrast.

      I’m a big fan of blending them into soup bases, as others mentioned. That’s how I got a lot of veggies into my kids. There are also fun recipes for putting veggies into desserts. You can make the most astounding caramel sauce out of yams! Recipe on TheVegan8.

      Enjoy the adventure! And no need to be ashamed of not liking a particular vegetable after you’ve given it enough tries to let your taste buds adapt. Taste buds are different between people and there’s no assignment to like artichokes or whatever.

      1. supply closet badger*

        ‘East’ by Meera Sodha is one of my favourite recipe books!! I hope you enjoy it.

        For those not ready to commit to a physical book, she also writes a recipe column called ‘The new vegan’ in the Guardian.

    16. Chaordic One*

      You’ve received some excellent suggestions and, if you’ve grown up being served bland boiled vegetables, then eating them roasted, stir-fried or grilled is a treat. (I love how they carmelize when they are grilled!) That said, going back to your original premise of adding and hiding them in other foods, I add them to just about any and all soups. Add them to mac and cheese or spaghetti, lasagna, or just about any pasta dish and let the sauce cover them up. Mix them into a meat loaf.

      1. Zweisatz*

        I would also say go with your feeling what amount of the vegetable you try would speak to you.
        You can fill a soup to the brim with 8 vegetables, but if you find it unpleasant to eat, you will be less motivated to try again. No harm in taking a meal you like and adding one vegetable you think would be interesting in an acceptable quantity.
        As you start to find some stuff that works for you, you can decide if you want to add a bigger amount or more kinds of vegetables to the meal – or if you already found the perfect ratio.

    17. Anon Poster*

      If you like sauces over proteins/rice/pasta, look for sauce recipes that are made from pureed roasted vegetables. I have a lot of texture issues that limits what veggies I eat and how I eat them, but I tried a shrimp and roasted veggie sauce recipe a couple of years ago that taught me I can handle vegetables I thought I hated if they’re pureed with a bunch of other vegetables that I like/don’t hate. I also like putting veggies in my smoothies (greens, carrots mainly) but it helps that I don’t love super sweet smoothies to begin with.

    18. Llellayena*

      Shredded carrot or zucchini vanishes in tomato sauce. Tomato sauce itself counts as a veggie. Roasted carrots taste like candy to me (especially if you roast them in maple syrup). Onion is a good starter for ground meat dishes. Yellow/orange pepper also mixes into ground meat quite well. We add sautéed onion and pepper to hamburger helper. Fresh corn on the cob can be dressed with butter, sour cream, paprika, Parmesan cheese, herbs, etc. baba ghanouj is an eggplant dip that can be used on pita. Also, the category is “fruits and vegetables” so apple, apricot (dried or fresh), raisins, can all be cooked with dinner. Berries on your breakfast cereal.

    19. Girasol*

      Asian stir fries use a ton of veggies. Meat loaf works well if you use a food processor to grind up veggies (including scraps like bendy celery and carrots and broccoli stems) and mix it 50/50 with the ground beef. You can shred or process lots of different veggies in cole slaw. Red cabbage, carrots, and fresh beet makes a wonderful red cole slaw. For green cole slaw, carrots are usually added, but celery is good, so are turnips, and chopped fresh herbs go well too. Chilled leftover cooked veggies can be marinated in a salad dressing and boosted with any crispy fresh vegetable that adds crunch. In winter, roasted veggies are wonderful – root vegetables cut in 3/4″ cubes, broccoli and onions about the same size, sprinkled with oil, salt, and thyme and baked at 400 for 45-60 minutes. Then again, if you really want to love veggies, try growing your own. Greens like swiss chard are better straight from the garden, steamed, and seasoned with mayo or soy sauce and sesame oil.

    20. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      On hiding veggies in other food, the books/website by Dr. Fuhrman have some yummy recipes for smoothies that sneak in some veggies. You just need a sturdy blender.

      There’s one that blends like banana, cocoa powder, liquid (nut milk, oat milk, or water or whatever), peanut butter (or sunflower seed butter) and some frozen greens (spinach, kale, etc.) It looks nasty, but if you don’t overdo the frozen greens, it tastes a little like a Reese’s Peanut Butter cup and those greens go right down.

      There’s another that blends banana, liquid, frozen berries, and frozen greens that is also tasty. Just go a little easy on the frozen greens until you build up more of a taste for them.

      I feel like Jerry Seinfeld’s wife wrote a book about cooking for kids and sneaking veggies into various foods for them — I haven’t tried it, but maybe she has some good ideas?

    21. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      In the quick, easy snack category, think about buying pre-made stuff with veggies — one of the problems with cooking with veggies is that it ups your prep time, so having some no- or low-effort veggie options may help make this more doable.

      Maybe try doing takeout veggie tempura (deep fried veggies) from a Japanese restaurant? Eating my friend’s veggie tempura to be polite was how I realized I now could enjoy cauliflower and broccoli, which had smelled way too strong to me and had made my stomach turn when I was a little kid.

      Or get a canned soup that has veggies in it, like a canned minestrone?

      Try coleslaw on the side the next time you’re getting takeout from Popeye’s?

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Or if you like sushi, maybe try some veggies in your sushi? Like get a salmon-avocado roll, or a cucumber roll, or a sweet-potato roll.

    22. Michelle Smith*

      Butter and oil and salt taste good. They also make vegetables taste better. Boiling in plain water, not so much. They are still nutritious and provide health benefits even if you fry them or season them well or cover them in cheese. And a salad covered in lots of dressing is still a salad. Just try to challenge all the things you have in your head about what vegetables have to be.

    23. goddessoftransitory*

      Ask yourself: what do you truly despise, and what has been lumped into “yuck, veggies?”

      For me, for instance, I cannot bear raw tomato. Cooked tomatoes are a whole different thing. I don’t like recipes that barely heat up string beans (they’re way too tough) but adore stewing ones that render them deliciously silky and flavorful. Eggplant is pretty meh unless it’s part of a moussaka or similar, and so on.

      You don’t have to choke down bales of fodder for veggies to “count.” They can be delicious too!

      1. Esprit de l'escalier*

        I highly recommend Turkish green beans zeytinaglu, where they’re cooked for a long time with tomatoes (I use canned), a rather large amount of olive oil, and garlic. I also dislike barely cooked green beans, but these are cooked until they are very tender and become so, so delicious. This same kind of long, low-heat cooking in copious olive oil is used with other vegs as well, but my favorite is the green beans. However, since I do not have olive trees growing in my back yard, I reduce the amount of olive oil called for, usually by half, and it’s still delicious.

    24. Love me, love my cat*

      It was touched on here, but I would stress that there are more vegetables than corn and carrots. Turnips, parsnips, eggplant, kohlrabi. Probably shouldn’t start with okra though.:)
      And try to always buy in season. Frozen might be an easier, quicker way to start with something totally unfamiliar.

    25. SuprisinglyADHD*

      It depends on what you don’t like about vegetables.
      If your issue is flavor you can try these tricks:
      Butter and salt! A lot of vegetables, especially green leafy ones, are bitter. Cooking with butter and salt neutralizes some of the bitterness and lets you taste other flavors that are present.
      Garlic and onions are a great addition to many vegetable recipes. You can chop or mince fresh, or use pre-minced jarred versions, or dried minced (needs to cook a little and it’ll rehydrate), OR powdered (the onion powder especially can be overpowering so add a little at a time).
      Adding a sauce or condiment of some type can help with any veggies that taste bland to you. Teriyaki, BBQ sauce, onion dip, heck, even jam or cheese sauce, whatever you already like the flavor of, can be added to cooked or raw vegetables.
      I don’t know how many vegetables you’ve tried, but try a wide variety if you haven’t already. The “salad vegetables” like lettuce, celery, carrots, or tomatoes. The “leafy greens” like spinach or bok choy. The “crunchy types” like broccoli, corn, radishes. The wide variety of “squash-types” like eggplant, zucchini, butternut. Raw or cooked button or portabella mushrooms.
      If texture is your issue, you can try different ways to prepare them. Overcooked vegetables may rapidly become mushy, chewy, or tough. The same item may be more appealing to you if it’s cooked for less time or even eaten raw. There’s lots of ways to cook various types of vegetables. Steaming or Sauteing are more common for something served as a side dish, but most vegetables can also be roasted, grilled, battered and fried, baked, or added to a soup! Some can be served as a sweet dish (eg butternut squash can be made with maple syrup and cinnamon). Some vegetables are VERY different served raw vs cooked or chopped small vs large (onions, mushrooms, spinach, tomatoes). If fresh isn’t working for you, canned, dried, or frozen varieties often have very different textures (string beans, tomatoes, and peas are particularly obvious for me).
      Or, there are ways to add vegetables that don’t seem like vegetables. Some pasta is made with spinach or tomatoes in it, riced cauliflower has a texture like, well, rice, and there are lots of products that have veggies “hidden” in them (usually sold as “for kids” but useful for adults with texture issues or food aversions).
      There’s a huge variety, so try to have fun experimenting! And once you do find something you like, see if you can prepare other foods the same way!

    26. HannahS*

      Hello, my fellow. I hated most vegetables until I was in my 20s. My first vegetables were:
      pureed soups (nothing is mushy!)
      grated zucchini cooked into pasta sauce
      raw produce (carrots, cucumbers) with dips

    27. Fellow Traveller*

      For me, part of eating vegetables as a snack is to not have other snacks around. So instead of having chips or sweets around the house for snacking, I’ll have carrots, cucumbers, sugar snap peas, and fruit.
      I once read a news story about a marketing exec who was responsible for a lot of potato chip (I think?) campaigns, then he gave that up when he realized how bad chips were. When looking to shift paths he realized that baby carrots had a lot of the same crunch that made chips so satisfying and went to work on marketing campaigns for baby carrots.

    28. Rara Avis*

      Hide cauliflower in Mac and cheese. (Would probably work for other pasta/sauce combos too.)

      Does dipping them in hummus or guacamole help?

      Having a bag of baby carrots helps me when the problem is lacking motivation to wash and peel.

      1. allathian*

        My husband makes a great pasta with green pesto sauce, chicken, and cauliflower.

        Our son’s loved broccoli since he first tried it. My mom makes great steamed broccoli with the proper al dente crunch, the secret is in the rapeseed or sunflower oil that goes with it.

    29. carcinization*

      I don’t like eggplant much at all but I love it in Smitten Kitchen’s Rigatoni with Eggplant Puree. The recipe also has cherry tomatoes in it, but since the veggies are pureed my textural issues with eggplant don’t matter (and I think the sweetness of the tomatoes balances the bitterness of the eggplant some).

    30. Yikes Stripes*

      Friend, may the grace of God go with you on this quest and may you have better luck than I have on it.

      Things I’ve discovered that help in my never-ending search for vegetables I don’t actively hate with every fiber of my being:
      1. Sometimes you just have to accept that certain veggies cannot be made acceptable to your tastebuds and it’s okay to give up on them. I can’t do broccoli (it tastes of sulfur – when I was fifteen I told my mom I would never eat it again because “it tastes like licking Satan’s armpit and I stand by that) or bell peppers of any kind (they’re vile and the taste takes over everything they touch) and that’s okay. I’m not going to make myself eat something that makes me gag just because it has good phytonutrients in it.

      2. Modern American grocery stores suck at providing good produce. The focus there is on ease of transportation and not taste – tasty food that can’t make it to the shelf unbruised doesn’t sell. I thought I didn’t like carrots. Turns out that I really like the ones that the new co-op in town sells! They’re local and fresh as heck and I don’t think they’re even the same variety of carrot that supermarkets sell, considering how tender and sweet they are vs every other carrot I’ve had. Same goes for tomatoes. Turns out I hate watery tomatoes where the overwhelming experience is “snot and acid” – I like grape and cherry tomatoes though! And some of the weird throwback varieties my mom sometimes grows. Same goes for asparagus – I don’t like thick woody stalks, but I’m okay with super fresh thin stalks that are steamed with butter.

      TL:DR for point two: see if you too have a hippie co-op that sells local produce. Or maybe a farmer’s market where people sell stuff they actually grew, though that can be hit or miss, and see if there’s different varieties of veggies you’ve already tried and didn’t like.

      3. Size. Matters. I don’t like big chunks of veggies. I can handle finely diced veggies in stuff a lot easier. Like, if a recipe calls for onions, they get diced extremely finely and they sort of melt into the finished product. Size also matters with things like frozen peas – petite peas taste better and are less ~popping eyeball in texture than the larger kind. Cherry tomatoes > big tomatoes. Little things just taste better.

      4. It helps a little bit to figure out why you hate certain foods. Is it texture? If so, maybe you can find a different way to consume it. I like the way mushrooms taste, but the texture makes me gag. So, if I want to add mushroom taste to a soup or something I either dice them up so small they vanish into the food or I puree them and add that in. If you hate the taste I don’t know what to tell you, maybe that food just isn’t for you. I guess cooking it differently might help, but sometimes that taste can’t be beaten back.

      5. This comes from the dietician I’ve been working with: baked goods count. Zucchini bread counts. Carrot cake counts. Sweet potato pudding counts, and so does chocolate avocado pudding. Hell, pumpkin pie counts. Her take is that if you can select a dessert that has a veggie in it, that’s better than one without a veggie in it. I like adding pumpkin to my oatmeal, and if I’m feeling up to it I’ll bake a batch of pumpkin oatmeal raisin bars to eat for breakfast for several days.

      6. Sometimes you magically will find something that you think tastes really good. I, a confirmed veggie hater who’s been working with a dietician for well over a year now, actually like a salad made of butter lettuce (SO much better than literally every other lettuce out there – not tough! not bitter!), dried cherries, cut up apple, toasted pecans, little blobs of cream cheese (or goat’s cheese, but I prefer cream cheese) and a maple-mustard-blackberry balsamic vinaigrette. If you find something like this, it’s a unicorn and you should treasure it.

      7. Also from my dietician: If you can’t get any veggies in, go for some fruit. It’s better to have some fruit and no veggies than no fruit and no veggies.

      If you want recipes that I’ve had success with – both veggie forward and veggie hidden – let me know. I’ll compile a google folder or something. :)

      1. Generic Name*

        All great advice. To your first point, it’s fine to try something several times (try as in have a bite or taste, not force yourself to consume something while resisting a gag reflex or something like that) and decide you don’t like it. For a while I had a Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) box, and one year we got kohlrabi in it. I tried it several times, and I think it’s just really gross. I decided that I’m an adult and therefore I don’t have to eat something I hate. And I’m someone who generally likes vegetables.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Chocolate avocado pudding is so good!!! I think the Dr. Fuhrman recipe is something like cocoa powder, banana, avocado, pitted dates, vanilla extract, and a little nut/soy/oatmilk in a sturdy blender. If I find it’s not sweet enough, I just toss in a little sweet and low.

    31. StrayMom*

      It may have been touched on here, but cauliflower is so versatile! I’ll steam a head, and then purée what I don’t eat or use immediately, freeze it in small portions, and use that in recipies instead of cream or milk. It’s amazing roasted, and makes a really nice substitute for mashed potatoes too. I make a shepard’s pie with ground turkey, mixed frozen veggies, and topped with mashed cauliflower. I have one of Linda McCartney’s vegetarian cookbooks and she had a lot of really great soup ideas, if that’s something you’d like. Unfortunately, I don’t know whether the book is still in print (I bought it at a second-hand store).

    32. Alex*

      Seconding everyone’s recommendation to try different preparations, especially roasting.

      But some of my favorite “hidden” vegetables include:

      Turkey burgers or meatloaf with shredded zucchini and/or carrot mixed in. I’ve used skinnytaste’s (the website) recipe as a starting point. It is excellent as is but I’ve also used other vegetables.

      Butternut squash macaroni and cheese. It basically replaces part of the cheese with butternut squash puree, which makes it healthier and includes vegetables.

      You might also try pureed soups, such as broccoli cheese soup and tomato soup. Another plug for the skinnytaste website for the broccoli cheese potato soup–that soup has tons of broccoli as well as carrots, onions, celery, and potatoes. Tastes like creamy cheesy goodness.

      Another idea is to make veggie “chips” in the oven, such as kale chips or other kinds of vegetable chips. Crispy, salty, with some oil makes it feel less like a vegetable.

  31. Knighthope*

    Google “Most popular vegetables in [your country].” Check out a farmers’ market and talk to the vendors.

  32. Justin*

    What do you all do to turn the volume down (so to speak) after a huge, high pressure period ends (but ended well and very successfully)?

    Brief work mention, but this isn’t really about that – in the last five weeks we opened a job search for my new employee, my second book came out, we went through that whole job search, we hired a nanny for my son for the first time, my son started pre-k, we finished that job search, and then we also had to get our dishwasher replaced and our windows cleaned and repaired.

    But everything ultimately went very well! (Still waiting for peoples’ thoughts on the book because books take time to read, but still.)

    I can’t go on a trip or anything, and we’re trying to stay frugal as baby 2 is imminent. What would YOU do to ease out of a high pressure period? Keeping in mind that with ADHD and so on I can’t really just Sit Totally Still, so more of a fun activity/ies.

    Thanks!

    1. Not A Manager*

      If it’s autumn or spring where you are, maybe ask the nanny to babysit on a weekend day, and go on a nice day hike? The exertion level could be anything from “drive to nearest Very Challenging Trail” to “walk through the park, stopping for coffee and lunch.”

      There are day spas near me that offer the usual spa services, but also allow access to different temperature pools, steam rooms, etc. Some of them have both indoor and outdoor spaces. I can happily spend a day at one of them, with a massage or without one. Many of them have some “couples” options as well.

      If you’re in an urban area, I like a day of treating my home town as if I were a tourist. Museum, sightseeing, maybe a concert or a special meal. If the nanny is willing to sleep over, and if you have the discretionary funds, a couple’s overnight can be really connective especially if you’re expecting another baby soon.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I agree that for me, spending significant time outdoors is pretty much the only safe way to bring down the pressure (the other is drinking, but that’s a) a short term relief and b) obviously not something I want to pursue as a solution). Even just one nice hike in a remote area looking at trees almost immediately makes me feel calmer.

        1. Justin*

          I walk and run on a path every day which I love and it helps, but it could be cool to block out some time during the work day to drive to a part of the path I’ve never been to (or a different park altogether) and really hike more.

          And yes, drinking works for me in a pinch too but, uh, not great Bob.

    2. Pam Adams*

      Lean into silly stuff with the current little one. Tea parties, adventures in the park, building and destroying block towers, anything that lets you be in your childhood mindset.

      1. allathian*

        Yes, play with your little one. Kids focus on the moment and you have to do the same to get in the zone with them.

    3. RosyGlasses*

      Nature is always a winner for me – whether a walk, or just sitting in a park. Take an afternoon to “be a tourist” in your city – maybe go to a little ice cream shop, or try a bookshop or park. Make a picnic and find a spot to sit and people watch – maybe imagining what their lives are like as you watch them go by. There is a cute little public sauna that I will often go to for an inexpensive 2 hour break where I can’t have my phone and I’m together with my thoughts or a little book.

      Sit quietly and take deep inhales and exhales – letting your mind just focus on the feeling of your breath in and out for 5 minutes can do wonders to re-set your nervous system and let your body start to enjoy flowing along.

  33. RsussianInTexas*

    A separate reading thread on non-fiction books specifically. I am looking for more to read.
    My criteria: no biographies or autobiographies. Not based on military campaigns and such, battle descriptions, etc, these are boring to me.
    I start with the ones I particularly liked.
    *The Great Mortality – about the Black Death
    *Under the banner of Heaven – history of Mormon religion
    *A Fever in the Heartland: The Ku Klux Klan’s Plot to Take Over America, and the Woman Who Stopped Them
    *Isaac’s Storm – the Great Galveston Hurricane
    Dead Wake: The Last Crossing of the Lusitania
    *The League of Lady Poisoners: Illustrated True Stories of Dangerous Women
    *How Carrots Won the Trojan War: Curious (but True) Stories of Common Vegetables
    *Watergate: a new history
    *Jerusalem: the biography
    *Midnight in Chernobyl
    *The Hot Zone trilogy
    *The Poisoner’s Handbook: Murder and the Birth of Forensic Medicine in Jazz Age New York
    *Various Dan Jones books on Medieval Europe

    2. strawberry lemonade*

      Basically any Mary Beard book on Rome.

      Possibly more political than you want, but I really liked David Graeber’s books Debt and The Dawn of Everything.

      Bad Blood by John Carreyrou, the ultimate Theranos piece.

      An Immense World by Ed Yong—an incredible piece of science writing, about animal senses and how we can understand their worlds.

      I’m only partway through it, but Sea People by Christina Thompson. History of oceangoing Pacific island people.

    3. academic fashion*

      Oh, there’s a lot of overlap between nonfiction books you’ve liked and nonfiction books I’ve liked (I’ve enjoyed Larson generally, Midight in Chernobyl, Under the Banner of Heaven, and the Poisoner’s Handbook).

      Possible additions:
      Collapse: The Fall of the Soviet Union (Zubok)
      Putin’s People: How the KGB Took Back Russia & Then Took on the West (Belton)
      Wildfire: On the Front Lines with Station 8 (Hansen)
      The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression (Solomon)
      Gulag: A History (Applebaum)

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Speaking of The Noonday Demon, the author’s follow up, Far From the Tree, is equally good!

    4. ctrl-alt-delicious*

      Deaths in the Grand Canyon
      The Organized Mind (history of filing cabinets? Yes please!)
      Heart of the Sea: Tragedy of the Whaleship Essex

    5. Sutemi*

      An Immense World, which discusses the different senses (touch, taste, feeling etc.) and how different animals experience each of these.

    6. GoryDetails*

      The Man From The Train by Bill James, a true-crime book in which the author delves into the Villisca axe murders of 1912 – still unsolved – and digs up a LOT of other axe murders with very similar details, spread over a couple of decades and many miles. Some fascinating digging into historical records, mapping newspaper accounts to local geography, etc.

    8. Dark Macadamia*

      Because Internet: Understanding the New Rules of Language

      Mediocre: The Dangerous Legacy of White Male America

      How To Be Perfect (Mike Schur wrote this one based on his research for The Good Place)

    9. Jamie Starr*

      I just finished Catch and Kill: Lies, Spies, and a Conspiracy to Protect Predators by Ronan Farrow. It’s about the Harvey Weinstein investigation. It.was.so.good. There are spies, counter-spies, cover-ups, etc. It was a real life thriller.

      I could also recommend Mauve: How One Man Invented a Colour That Changed the World by Simon Garfield. It’s about English chemist William Perkin, who in 1856 (at the age of 18!) accidentally discovered a way to mass-produce color – specifically mauve. It’s not really a biography, although it does discuss Perkin’s background/life.

      Others:
      Got to Be Something Here: The Rise of the Minneapolis Sound by Andrea Swensson
      Madhouse at the End of the Earth: The Belgica’s Journey into the Dark Antarctic Night by Julian Sancton
      The Nineties by Chuck Klosterman

    10. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I loved a lot of your list, so I have some ideas for you!
      *anything else by Erik Larson (author of Dead Wake), I’ve enjoyed everything of his that I’ve read
      *Radium Girls – Kate Moore (heartbreaking but so good)
      *anything by David McCullough – he has some biographies in there, but particularly The Great Bridge (about the building of the Brooklyn Bridge) and The Path Between the Seas (about the building of the Panama Canal)
      *The Emperor of All Maladies – Siddhartha Mukherjee (a history of the studying of cancer and its treatments – Ken Burns also made a 9 hour documentary series from this book which is also excellent)
      *Rabies – Bill Wasik
      *And the Band Played On – Randy Shilts (also heartbreaking but a story that has to be told; it’s the story of the first several years of the AIDS epidemic and how it was so terribly mishandled by so many groups of people)
      *pretty much anything by Jon Krakauer (author of Under the Banner of Heaven) – particularly “Into Thin Air” about the May 1996 storm on Mount Everest; Krakauer was there and personally involved, so that might veer a little too close to bio, but it is very definitely about the whole event, not just his personal experiences, and I’ve reread it several times. “Missoula” was (I felt) quite well written, and again a topic that needs to be discussed, but definitely content warnings for SA as that (and the terrible way it’s subsequently handled by the justice system) is the entire focus of the book. “Into the Wild” is about Christopher McCandless who died in the Alaskan bush mostly because he was an idiot, and they made a movie about it as well. I didn’t like this one as much but mostly because the subject matter annoyed me, the book itself was well written. :P
      *The Worst Hard Time – Timothy Egan (same guy who wrote Fever in the Heartland), in-depth discussion about the Dust Bowl, how it came to be, how people lived through it, and how they started to sort of get out of it
      *River of the Gods – Candice Millard (might veer a little close to bio again – this is about Teddy Roosevelt’s expedition into the depths of the Amazon jungle

      Not really related to anything else on your list, but I noticed it on my book list and am throwing it out there just in case it might be interesting: Muppets in Moscow by Natasha Lance Rogoff, about the efforts to create a Sesame Street equivalent in Russia.

    11. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I’ll happily recommend all the Patrick Radden Keefe books I’ve read so far – Empire of Pain, The Snakehead, and Rogues.

      A few others I’ve loved:

      – Homicide by David Simon (if you’re a fan of The Wire, you’ll love this)
      – Fear and Loathing in La Liga by Sid Lowe (football history and Spanish history from the 1930s onwards intersect)
      – McMafia by Misha Glenny (very slow-paced and very informative, I learned a lot about global organised crime)
      – The Man Who Played With Fire by Jan Stocklassa (about Stieg Larsson’s research into the unsolved murder of Swedish Prime Minister Olof Palme, there’s no conclusive solution but the theories were very fascinating to me as a non-Swede)

    12. Flower*

      Seabiscuit by Laura Hillenbrand is fantastic. (Does it count as a biography if it’s about a horse?) I don’t care about horses or horse racing, but it became one of my favorite books. It’s really about character — horses’ and humans’.

    13. InkyFingers*

      Ooh, another good one! Chaos: Charles Manson, the C.I.A. and the Secret History of the Sixties, Dan Piepenbring and Tom O’Neill. (If you *were there* for the Sharon Tate murders, the part can be sped through.)

    14. Pam Adams*

      Looks through Kindle

      The Land Where Lemons Grow, by Helena Attlee- A History of Italy and Citrus

      Living Alone and Liking It and Bubbly on Your Budget, by Marjorie Hillis. Advice for women from the 1930’s

      The Extra Woman, by Joanna Suits. A biography of Marjorie Hillis

      Swimming in the Steno Pool by Lynn Peril

      An Informal History of the Hugos and What Makes This Book So Great, both by Jo Walton. Collections of book columns focusing on science fiction.

    15. Llellayena*

      “Why Buildings Fall Down” reviews some of the worst construction failures and why they happened. Includes the Tacoma Narrows bridge collapse and the Twin Towers.

    16. Jessica*

      Filtering on your criteria, here are the best nonfiction books I read last year.

      Founding Brothers: The Revolutionary Generation, by Joseph Ellis. 2000.
      We most often think of Madison, Hamilton, Burr, Washington, Jefferson, Franklin, and Adams as the Founding Fathers, a term that focuses attention on the relationship between them and us. Ellis shifts perspective to consider them instead as the founding brothers, as a revolutionary generation. He examines the relationships among them, what they did in their times, and the devil’s bargain they made to hold their fledgling country together.

      The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness, by Michelle Alexander. 2010.
      Alexander makes a compelling argument that mass incarceration is the main civil rights issue of the current day. She says her book is for “people who care deeply about racial justice but who, for any number of reasons, do not yet appreciate the magnitude of the crisis faced by communities of color as a result of mass incarceration,” and I felt like the target audience.

      Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things, by Randy Frost & Gail Steketee. 2010.
      Fascinating without being exploitative, this book is full of interesting analysis of what hoarding is, the different forms it takes, what makes people do it, and how they can be helped, but what really shines forth is the compassion of these researchers and the courage of their subjects.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        *The New Jim Crow* is amazing work — Alexander spells out how a series of Supreme Court decisions have put Black people unlucky enough to be charged with a crime (even when they are innocent) in a nearly impossible situation that generally leads to extremely disadvantageous life outcomes for decades afterwards and how those Supreme Court decisions basically make it impossible to challenge racially biased searches, arrests, and prosecutorial charging decisions.

    17. Anon Teacher*

      America in the King Years by Taylor Branch. It’s a trilogy about the Civil rights movement. Very interesting and the audio book on audible is well done. First volume is Parting the Waters.

    18. Falling Diphthong*

      If you’re up for science, Ed Yong’s An Immense World, about animal senses, was a steady stream of “Huh, I had no idea about that!”

    19. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      Rabbit-Proof Fence by Doris Pilkington – the true story of her mother and two other children who escaped a residential school for aboriginal children to return to their home. Inspiration for the movie

      Sources of the River by Jack Nisbet – the life and times of David Thompson, an early explorer of Canada who was the first to map the Columbia River

      Who Murdered Chaucer by Terry Jones (the Monty Python member)

      The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot – the history of HeLa tissue in medical research and the woman whose tissue was originally used. Gets into medical history and ethics, racism and other topics

    20. moss, fourth of their name*

      I don’t read much nonfiction, but How Music Got Free by Stephen Witt entranced me. It’s about the invention of the mp3 and the beginning of the music piracy scene on the Internet.

    21. GoryDetails*

      Anything by Mary Roach: Stiff on what happens to dead bodies, Bonk on the science behind sex, Spook about the afterlife (including deep-diving into spiritualism, courses claiming to teach one how to be a medium, etc.), and more. Very scientific, often with hands-on experiments that Roach participates in when permitted (her very game husband joined her for one in Bonk), and also hilarious.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Speaking of “anything by…” authors: Bill Bryson. His early travel books are hilarious, and his later stuff, where he focuses on one topic, like “the human body” or “the Victorian era house I live in” and deep dives, are fascinating and funny. A Brief History of Nearly Everything is a terrific cover of “science and how did they figure that out?”

      2. RLC*

        Another vote for anything by Mary Roach!
        Also anything by John McPhee.
        A recent favorite: The Best Land Under Heaven – the Donner Party in the age of Manifest Destiny, by Michael Wallis. I’ve read every book I’ve ever found on this subject, and was pleased that it added so much more information I’ve never seen before.

    22. Mitchell Hundred*

      The Lore and Language of Schoolchildren by Iona and Peter Opie. It’s basically an ethnographic document of schoolyard folklore, games, and rhymes from children in Britain and one school in Ireland. My favourite part is a footnote where they’re talking about a game that combines two children’s names to determine whether they’ll get married, and apply it to their own names to illustrate the efficacy of the prediction (they’re a married couple). It’s pretty much the definition of “adorkable.”

      The one thing to be conscious of is that it was written in the ’50s, so they use the n-word a few times as a generic term for “black person.”

    23. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      John McPhee’s explorations of various subjects are always entertaining.

    24. goddessoftransitory*

      The Invention of Murder: How the Victorians in Death and Detection and Invented Modern Crime, by Judith Flanders. It’s exactly what the title states: how the Victorian era created a perfect storm of sensational murders, poisons available pretty much on demand, and detective fiction!

    25. Mostly Managing*

      Anything by Malcolm Gladwell. I have read most of his books more than once, because there’s so much in there I can’t remember it all the first time.

      Range, by David Epstein

    26. Rick Tq*

      1493: Uncovering the New World Columbus Created by Charles C. Mann – A review and discussion of the plants that came out of the Americas and across the world.
      The Soul of a New Machine by Tracy Kidder – Watch a team of engineers develop a new computer under tremendous pressure
      House by Tracy Kidder – Trials and tribulations building the first house designed by a new architect.
      Blind Man’s Bluff: The Untold Story of American Submarine Espionage by Sherry Sontag, Christopher Drew, and Annette Lawrence Drew – How do you tap a phone line between a major Soviet naval base and the Kremlin? Very carefully.
      Operation Solo: The FBI’s Man in the Kremlin by John Barron – The treasurer of the American Communist Party became an FBI asset in the mid 50’s and provided detailed high level intelligence for 27 years. He was never exposed.

      1. Nicki Name*

        1493 is brilliant. I also heartily endorse its predecessor, 1491: New Revelations of the Americas Before Columbus.

    28. Nicki Name*

      The Rhino with Glue-On Shoes: And Other Surprising True Stories of Zoo Vets and their Patients – fascinating behind-the-scenes stuff about zoos.
      The Disappearing Spoon: And Other True Tales of Madness, Love, and the History of the World from the Periodic Table of the Elements – one story for every element, and some of them are pretty wild.
      The Time Traveler’s Guide to Medieval England – lots of details about everyday life that you don’t get in the history books.
      Around the World in 80 Trees – including some familiar ones and ones like the tree that has goats in it at certain times of year.

    29. carcinization*

      Oldie but a goodie, but have you read Polan’s The Botany of Desire?

      My husband also recommends Greenblatt’s Swerve.

    30. allathian*

      Any and all books by Helena Telkänranta, Ph.D., animal psychologist. Some of them are rather repetitive, but you get an idea of what it’s like to be an animal. She’s mainly worked with cats, dogs, and horses. There’s a great new one out called Mind of a Horse, with illustrations showing equine body language by Maija Karala and Ville Sinkkonen.

    31. The Prettiest Curse*

      – Eve by Cat Bohannon – really fascinating book about how the evolution was essentially driven by the female body. (Very much non-Terf-y, the author makes it clear that she thinks gender essentialism is nonsense.)
      – Flight 232 by Lawrence Gonzales – about the 1989 plane crash in Sioux City, Iowa, why it happened and the aftermath. Deep Survival by the same author is also a fascinating read.
      – Wave by Sonali Deraniyagala – a memoir by a woman who lost her entire family in the 2004 tsunami. Incredibly wrenching and beautifully written.

    32. Bluebell Brenham*

      I’m also a fan of Erik Larson, and this thread has so many good recs! Bill Bryson is a fave of mine, with A Walk in the Woods as my top choice. Guns, Germs and Steel by Jared Diamond includes some military info, but it goes way beyond that. I’ve started Eve but haven’t finished it yet.

    33. Observer*

      Hidden Figures.

      It’s a really good look at the beginnings of integration at NASA. The film centers mostly on Katherine Johnson and also takes some dramatic license. The book is nowhere as dramatic, but it really gives you a sense of what went into the space program, and gives a good look at a really over-looked group of people who were key to making it all happen.

  34. helena handbasket*

    Please allow me to vent.

    We spent a fortune on a new driveway in August. We live on a steep hill, and the edge where it meets the road had crumbled and bottomed out, partly due to age and partly due to water erosion from the gutter. It was a complicated and expensive repair.

    Sometime between yesterday when I got home and this morning, the township spray painted bright orange arrows all over it. It looks they are planning to grind it up to refinish the road. Now I have to wait until Monday to call the township to figure out what is going on, but I’m sure they will tell me its their right of way to do with as they please.

    I feel so defeated. We saved up money for a long time to care for our property, and less than four weeks later, they’re going to come and f*** it all up. (Historically, the road refinishing in my town is “lowest bidder” garbage work. Oil chipping instead of full asphalt, gouged holes left behind, etc.) Can’t we even have a full month to take pride in our home? Why aren’t we allowed to have nice things?

    This is an ongoing pattern. Two years ago I finally replaced my 22-year-old car, then BAM! Hit a deer with the new car 6 weeks later. The insurance considered totaling it, but ended up fixing it because it was new. They required all replacement parts be used/salvaged, and the car has been limping along with random problems ever since. Last year we got a new dishwasher, and a lightning storm/power surge blew out the computer board in it within a few weeks. It hasn’t worked since, and we can’t afford another new one on top of everything else that needs repair.

    I’m so, so, so tired. It truly feels like the universe goes out of its way to make sure that my belongings are always broken junk.

    1. Sloanicota*

      How frustrating, I’m sorry … I do feel this way too sometimes and it makes you think “why try? Why put effort into anything? Why save up in the first place?”

    2. Pencil, not Pen*

      I don’t know if this is particularly helpful, but I’d consider renting a pressure washer and washing off all the orange arrows ??? And posting No trespassing signs along the front edge of your property

      1. fposte*

        If the township has a right of way, they’re not trespassing. Interfering in the work may result in a fine.

        The right of way can be a heartbreaking area. In my neck of the woods it’s the battle of the trees—trees planted there belong to the city, and if you plant something without permission and it’s not on the approved list, they’ll take it out. I thought I’d put a Japanese maple outside the right of way it it’s worryingly just inside; fortunately, it seems to have passed muster so far.

      2. Generic Name*

        This won’t do anything. The work will progress and the city/county isn’t trespassing because the front edge of the property has a right of way or easement. I have a stupid green plastic thingy in my front yard because some new internet provider decided to come through and run lines through everybody’s front yard with no notice. There’s literally nothing I can do about it (but I’m damn sure not buying internet service through these guys).

    3. Unkempt Flatware*

      I’m sorry but your insurance company required you to use used or salvaged parts on your new vehicle?! Holy fork. I don’t know why that is the piece that is irking me the most out of all this. What the hell?

      1. Chaordic One*

        There was recent news story about a man who bought a new luxury car. The car was involved in an accident and his insurance company required him to use used or salvaged parts to repair the car at an insurance company approved repair facility. However, the manufacturer required that all repairs be done at a manufacturer-certified repair facility with new parts and failure to do so would void the manufacturer’s warranty. The insurance company would not pay for repairs at a manufacturer-certified repair facility. According to the story, the guy paid for the repairs himself at a manufacturer-approved facility and was suing his insurance company to compensate him for the cost of those repairs.

      2. fhqwhgads*

        I’m just guessing but it may have been “if you use new OEM parts, it’s totalled. If you use used and/or salvage parts, it’s repairable”. Because the cost of the former may be more than the at-the-time worth of the vehicle, but the cost of the latter is less. I’m not saying that’s right, just that it maths.

    4. Busy Middle Manager*

      To commiserate, this is how I felt when someone stole my catalytic converter. I got a “cover” but then you realize they just slow down thieves. So now every time I go to my car, I am thinking “hope it runs!”

      Yes that vague sense of violation on top of daily stress of life does way on you

      1. Filosofickle*

        I had a car stolen almost 20 years ago from a transit station. To this day, I almost always think “yay it’s still there” when I park my car pretty much anywhere away from home. This stuff sticks with you.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Ugh! This is one reason I don’t want to drive to the station and park. Of course someone can still steal my baby boy out of the apartment lot, but there is activity around there all the time, so it’s a little bit harder.

          That and with the cost of parking, it’s cheaper just to take the bus and train.

    5. anon24*

      I’m so sorry. I’m also going through a year where the universe has been delighting in kicking me as hard as it can as much as it can, and every time I think I can catch my breath for a second it’s some new bullshit to deal with. Maybe we all have a run of massively good fortune coming our way.

    6. fhqwhgads*

      Take dated photos of what it looks like right now, so that if they do fuck it up, you have proof that their repaving made it actively worse and make them fix it. A friend just dealt with this, although her driveway was concrete and they broke up a bunch of the concrete and went over it with asphalt. but in a totally willy nilly pattern. Totally amateurish. What was a straight line seam between the two is now more like the border of recently spilled paint.

    7. ThatOtherClare*

      Ugh. My commiserations, that sucks. Our council is the same, spending 3x as much money constantly replacing oil chipping instead of doing it right the first time. I cannot imagine my fury if they did it to my new drive.

      It sounds like right now you more than deserve to throw out a few little old things to make it up to yourself. Time for a new dish sponge! Also a little bar of the ‘not actually “fancy”-fancy but delicious smelling’ soap you normally don’t waste the extra dollar on, replacement socks for those ones with holes, and a box of brownie mix. Or whatever the helena equivalent of those things is. Sometimes the gesture means as much as the actual things, even when it comes from ourselves.

      You know how outdoor cats have a habit of bringing their owners dead birds as a way of showing affection, and the owners are like ‘Uhhh, thanks for the sentiment…’? My family calls lame but well meant gifts ‘dead birds’. Our indoor cats bring us spit-soaked fuzzy pompom ‘dead birds’ all the time. When you look at your new dish sponge, please think of it as me and the universe sending you a ‘dead bird’. You’re welcome!

    8. Love me, love my cat*

      I hope it helps at least a little bit to know that we are all wishing better times ahead for you. I certainly can sympathize. I went through a dark spell where something major went wrong every.single.day. Every.single.day. I woke up one morning and my first thought was “Oh, no. I’m awake. Now what?”

  35. Bike Walk Barb*

    Fall travel advice for the Bern, Switzerland area please!

    I may have the opportunity to go to an international meeting in late October. Requirements for my travel as a public employee mean that I can add on a couple of personal days that I fund, but I can’t increase the cost of the airfare. I can only afford to be there a couple of extra days.

    My current thinking is that I’d fly overnight on Friday, be there Saturday-Sunday, then the meeting is Mon-Tues-Wed, then I fly home. This lets me settle into the time zone in a leisurely way while not having to think about policy issues.

    I’ve never been to Switzerland, and this trip isn’t the time to try to cram in everything I’d do if I were genuinely just touristing. I like museums, art galleries, good food, bookstores, walking, being in nature, checking out how transit works (which will start with my train ride from the airport to Bern), riding a bike if it feels bike-friendly enough. Dr. Google suggests I could spend an entire two days just walking around and looking since the whole city is a UNESCO World Heritage Site. If that’s what I do, what should I seek out?

    What would you do on a weekend in Bern?

    I consider sleeping one of my superpowers so I’m not overly worried about having enough energy to do things. I did this pattern of one extra day on the front end when I went to Copenhagen on a study tour a few years ago, had one day on the end, and that was great. I’ll start to adjust my sleeping and eating cycle to the new time zone beforehand and the fasting trick (skip dinner, eat breakfast in the new time zone to reset the part of your biological clock that’s managed by your stomach) worked well when I went to Copenhagen. I slept all the way there during what would be night in the new time zone as well.

    1. Edward Fairfax, Rochester, NY*

      See the bear pits in town, and perhaps tour the area where Albert Einstein was a clerk. There are also beautiful small mountain towns a train ride away.

    2. 40ish*

      A walk along the river Aare. The Münster cathedral. You could also go and see Thun which is closer to the mountains. Just a 20 min train ride away.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      I would recommend:
      • Check out the funiculars, often a nice way to ride up the mountain and walk down. Or ride up, hike along a ridge line, then ride down.
      • Walking tour (I would do self guided) of historic buildings. Churches you can often enter, and they are impressive.

    4. BellaStella*

      Check out MySwitzerlnd dot com and look up stuff in Bern including events when you visit. The paces I have been include the Kunstmuseum (art) and Paul Klee centre as well as the amazing Cathedral. The Bear Park is a very large enclosure but if wether is bad may be tough. Bring a brolly for rain. Your hotel should provide transit pass for free too for the town as most do. The info centre in train station will also have brochures etc. Bern has many amazing fountains in old town which are special as is the clock tower called Zytglogge. There is also the Swiss Alpine Museum and communications museum plus Been is the defacto Swiss capitol so take in the Parliament building the Bundeshaus near the train stayion. Also the Botanical gardens are very cool. For a spa experience (with a special towel provided that you use even in pool no swimsuits allowed) check out a few hours of Spa Oktogon by the river too. Their website explains the routine.

      For food Bern has good local beers if you like plus try some Swiss wines! And for more info Bern.com has loads of info including offers like a 24-48 hour museum card to buy etc.

      If interested in capitol stuff for other countries keep an eye out as there are about 88 diplomatic missions based in the city of Bern, including Embassies, Consulates, High Commissions etc.

      If you can take a train or postbus to surrounding villages to explore maybe. Thin as noted is amazing! I hope that the weather is good to see the Berner Oberland mountins.

      Finally also look in Atlas Obscura for stuff on Bern.

      It is a walkable city and bring a camera! Try the rösti too which is a hashbrown based dish! And enjoy!!!

    5. supply closet badger*

      I have not tried it myself, but during a recent trip to other places in Switzerland I heard good things about a vegetarian buffet restaurant called Tibits. I just checked and there is one in Bern near the train station :)

  36. Agnes Grey*

    I’m just here to say thank you to Another Kristin for mentioning the Monterey Bay Aquarium’s animal cams in a comment thread last week on music at work. I’ve had their jellyfish cam on at work a lot this week and that music seems to help my brain shut down some of the anxiety that makes it hard for me to focus. I’m so grateful to have learned about this!

  37. Bike Walk Barb*

    Gardening thread! What’s something surprising or delightful or satisfying or frustrating or [adjective here] about this year’s gardening?

    Surprising: I’d forgotten the Raspberry potato variety I planted is red on the inside as well as the outside. Just harvested the first few and they’re a ruby explosion in a bowl.

    Frustrating/satisfying: I should have trellised up the tomato plants more. They’re so full of fruit they toppled the wire cages and drooped to the ground. I’ve done some ex post facto trellising to support the weight and will get through this year’s harvest. Lots of canning this year, lesson learned for next year.

    Failed experiment: Growing tomatillos in buckets rather than the raised beds because those were full. Got a very, very few (I did have two varieties; they need two plants but was it the varietal mix that did me in?). Fortunately I still have bags of last year’s last fall harvest in the freezer.

    Surprising: A late crop of red and golden raspberries. Not tons, but beautiful big sweet berries.

    You?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Your red potatoes remind me of the time I bought purple potatoes. I was delighted to find they were purple all the way through, so I made soup with them, hoping for purple soup. Somehow the purple potatoes still made regular potato colored potato soup, despite being the color of eggplants the whole way through. Bummer.

      2. GoryDetails*

        A *lot* of purple foods change color when cooked, to my vast disappointment. The first time I grew purple stringbeans I adored the lovely purple color of the pods, but found that when cooked they turned green and were no longer visibly different from plain old green beans. (They tasted pretty much the same, too, which I wouldn’t have minded if the color had stuck.) I still plant them sometimes – along with wax beans – as the non-green pods are easier to see among the green foliage, but I no longer expect the purple beans to stay purple. (Though a mild pickle might preserve more color…)

        Same with purple asparagus – though as I like to eat asparagus raw when it’s fresh out of the garden, that didn’t matter so much. Oh, and purple okra, which (surprise!) turns green when cooked.

        I grew those blue potatoes one year as well, delighted with the colors of skin and flesh in the raw potatoes (and the lovely pale blue of the potato flowers, too). But when cooked, they went kind of grey, and while tasting just fine weren’t as appetizing as I’d hoped. Ah, well!

    2. MissGirl*

      Surprising: Everyone said I’d have zucchinis coming out of my ears. I started with several fruilt and then it just petered out. I had visions of zucchini bread and brownies. Meanwhile, my yellow squash started off slow and now it’s an abundance of riches.

      Every single pumpkin seed that I planted sprouted. I have enough tiny pumpkins to supply the neighborhood.

      Failed: A huge cucumber plant covered in flowers that didn’t produce a single cucumber. Meanwhile, the Armenian cucumber plant next to it gives me fruit the size of my arm. Half of everything planted from seeds failed. I tried decorative gourds from two separate packages and not a single one took root. I threw out some pea and spinach seeds a few weeks ago hoping for a small harvest before winter but nothing is sprouting. I suspect the soil is too warm.

      I definitely underwatered during the hot months and now how automatic timers on everything.

    3. Snell*

      It’s my first time trying my hand at citrus. Started small with a greenhouse-grown rooted cutting, and (fingers crossed) we made it out of the acclimation period safely. This variety fruits in late fall/winter, but I’m not expecting anything this year (the best time to plant a tree being 20 years ago, and all that). Still, it’s an exciting new project.

    4. Agnes Grey*

      I was disappointed in myself for not getting to the figs before the local wildlife. There were lots of lovely almost-fully-ripe ones and we decided to give it another day and then, poof, they were either gone or had had one bite taken out, grr. Extra disappointing because last year’s yield wasn’t great, but this year’s looked to be abundant.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        I’m having this issue with slugs and strawberries. You can’t ripen them indoors, so I’ve been trying little mesh bags over the fruits that are almost ripe.

    5. Meg from VA*

      The satisfying and the surprising both involve my Anaheim pepper plant. I planted a few seeds left from last year and got one strong plant that produced multiple peppers.

      Surprisingly: those peppers were much hotter than jalapeños, which I can’t tolerate now that I’m older. I deliberately bought Anaheims because they’re supposed to be mild: ha! I couldn’t eat them at all.

      Satisfyingly: I thought the plant was finished and pulled it out, but as I tossed it in the compost I noticed a flower on it. I carefully replanted it, not really expecting it to survive.

      Today I harvested an Anaheim pepper that was mild enough to dice and add to enchiladas, resulting in the best meal I’ve had this month so far.

      1. carcinization*

        Could you use the Anaheims to make salsa? You could mitigate the spice level that way, I’d think.

        1. Meg from VA*

          Thanks for the tip! Making salsa instead of my original plan for them – chile relleno – sounds like a good idea.

    6. Mostly Managing*

      My weirdness this summer is my marigolds.
      We always put a few in along the edge of the garden before my perennials come in, just for a bit of colour.
      This week, I realised that the marigolds are the same height as the Black Eyed Susans!!

      The tomato plants in pots on the deck are not surprising. They are as small and pathetic as usual. We need to stop trying, or put them somewhere else!

    7. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I think I caught an infestation of “evergreen bagworms” just in time. My Arborvitaes seem to be recovering and knock on wood, I haven’t seen any more bagworms for about a week.
      Plus, I cleared out a whole bunch of virginia creeper (why is there so much of it!? I’ve never seen anyone actually plant it anywhere in my neighborhood). So much weeding!

    8. Bobina*

      This has been the year of ALL THE SLUGS round my part, along with it being too cold and wet for the most part, so it’s been a year of accepting that I might have to go for a more hardcore method of slug detterent for next year than just occasionally heading out with scissors.

      But I did give green beans and strawberries a go, the latter was much more successful so at least that’s something to take away. Plus have confirmed I love foxgloves and galliardas and have plans for lots more of them for next year (happily slug proof for the most part).

  38. Is it Friday yet?*

    Therapist question – how do you select the therapist that is the right fit for you?

    I’ve been seeing a therapist for a few months, my first and only experience. They’re mostly good, but we’ve spent several sessions where they push me to join a weekly group therapy also. I don’t seem to be able to say no- every reason I give for why I don’t want to do it gets countered as not good enough. Not only is that quite frustrating, but we’ve now used multiple sessions talking mainly about this. I walk away feeling worse and like I’ve wasted my time and money, not even talking about the issues I’ve come there for. The last week, I said I was happy with the one on one sessions and they pulled a – do you not trust me? I’m limited in how I can help you if you won’t join group.

    I’m now debating between spelling this all out for them and seeing where to recalibrate vs. maybe I just need to see someone else? But not sure how therapy is supposed to work and maybe all the challenging me is part of the process? At this point, I’m not even that averse to group, minus the time and cost plus not yet feeling the positives of regular therapy, more to the high pressure tactics and being forced into it.

    For those of you who have shopped around for your therapist or left one for another, how did you make that decision? How do you know when someone is the right fit with a balance of empathy and pushing back on you?

    1. moss, fourth of their name*

      How absolutely yikes of that therapist. They should have respected your no once, let alone after many repetitions. I’ve been through three or four therapists and haven’t found the right one yet, but I’m content to give it time. Please find a new provider if it’s feasible!

      “Don’t you trust me”, my goat. Certainly not after all this boundary pushing.

    2. Generic Name*

      Your therapist wants you to do group classes probably because they make more money. But maybe I’m just cynical. It’s not okay for your therapist to keep pushing after you’ve said no. And the whole “don’t you trust me?” Ew, that’s just manipulative.

      To answer your question, yes, I have switched therapists. I was seeing a therapist who focused on relationships, and while she was helpful in identifying my former marriage as abusive, eventually the sessions ended with her saying, “you’ll be fiiine” and her suggesting I read Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity. (Which I did read and I still don’t understand what my therapist was hoping I’d get out of it). I took a break from therapy and eventually looked for a new one after it was clear I needed a trauma-informed therapist. My new one was great, and I saw her for a couple of years until I felt like I didn’t need to talk to a professional anymore.

    3. Indolent Libertine*

      This kind of badgering is absolutely not part of the process! It would be entirely reasonable for you to simply end your time with this therapist right now. You don’t need to convince them that you’re right, you don’t need them to agree, you get to decide that you’re done. If you want to try once more to see whether something can be salvaged here, though, maybe email them something like what you’ve told us here:

      “Dear Therapist:

      I’m not interested in group therapy. I have made this as clear as I know how, on multiple occasions, but so far you not only haven’t taken my “no” for an answer, you’ve steered several sessions to focus primarily on trying to arm-wrestle me into changing my mind, rather than on the issues I’ve come in wanting to talk about, which I don’t see as a good use of my time or money.

      You asked at our last session “don’t you trust me?” To be honest, the more you pressure me about this, the less I am able to trust you. There can’t be a lot of trust where boundaries aren’t respected.

      I’m willing to try another session if we can agree up front that you will not introduce the topic of group therapy; if you can’t agree to that then we should conclude our relationship here.”

    4. Still*

      I’m sorry your time and money are being wasted like this! Honestly, if I heard from a therapist “I’m limited in how I can help you if you won’t join group,” I would take them at their word and find a new one.

    5. Michelle Smith*

      If I were in your situation, I would leave. I had a therapist last year who I “fired” because she didn’t respect my response to her about a trauma I’d experienced and kept trying to push me to do something I did not want to do (involve police). I ended up just trying different therapists until I found one that didn’t make me uncomfortable and who I could say “hey, this thing you’re doing isn’t working for me” and know that the answer would be “okay, let’s change it then.” My current therapist respects when I don’t want to talk about a particular subject and doesn’t push me to do things I don’t want to do. What she will do is challenge me to step outside of my comfort zone, but that’s within our established boundaries. For example, she might suggest I keep going to my monthly book club even though I’m depressed and don’t feel like being social or encourage me not to delete all of my dating apps in a fit of frustration over one bad date. But if I told her I didn’t want to go to book club anymore because I didn’t think it was fun anymore and we explored my reasons, she’d accept my answer while still gauging to make sure I was getting adequate social interaction/my medication is working. Does that make sense? Like there is healthy challenging to move forward with things outside of your comfort and there is pressuring you to do something you don’t want to do and that isn’t harmful for you to abstain from. And fwiw I’ve had at least half a dozen, if not more, therapists over the years. Some were one appointment only, some were a few appointments over a short period of time, and a couple have been longer term. You don’t have to settle for a therapist that makes you uncomfortable or pressures you in ways you don’t like. And I have never once had a therapist try to pressure me into going to groups, btw. This kind of pushing is not normal as far as I know.

    6. academic fashion*

      Move on. I have been through five therapists and practitioners who do not listen to you or respect your boundaries will not be able to help you.

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      and they pulled a – do you not trust me? I’m limited in how I can help you if you won’t join group.

      HUGE record scratch there! And frankly my first reaction was “how much are they charging you for all this help in group?”

      When somebody pulls the “don’t you trust me?” line my instant response is “less and less!”

    8. ampersand*

      Nope, they should respect your desire not to join group therapy. If you feel worse leaving your session than when you went in (and not because you’re talking about difficult things that *you* want to focus on), or you suspect your therapist isn’t the best fit for you, that’s usually a sign to find a new therapist.

      You could try talking to them about this and see if they recalibrate. If they don’t, I would find a new therapist (easier said than done, I know–the whole process can be difficult). The “do you not trust me?” bit raises all sorts of red flags, though. I mean, I don’t trust them given what you said, and I’m not even their client…

    9. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Nope. Big nope. That’s unprofessional and manipulative.

      Challenging you may be part of the process *after* you have a strong relationship with the therapist. In my decades of experience with two long-term therapists (as well as some related professional training) that looks more like challenging your assumptions or inferences, not pushing you to do something you said “no” to. My first therapist almost immediately saw that there was a major issue in my marriage. I was not ready to look at it, I told her that, and she backed off. She was right. If she’d pushed me, I would have stopped seeing her *and* would have had an even harder time seeing the problem myself.

      If you find yourself in a pattern of feeling like you want to leave again after a few months because the therapist is challenging you, then maybe there’s a you issue to look at – and ideally you could bring that up with the therapist. What you’re describing is not a you problem, it’s a them problem. Good luck.

    10. Cardboard Marmalade*

      Honestly, I’ve had a few bad ones and it’s made me pretty ready to just quit working with someone who I’m not loving by the end of a month. Things can improve from that awkward getting-to-know-you phase, but I’ve never had it improve from “this actively feels bad”.

      Your current therapist sounds honestly kinda predatory and I would fire them ASAP.

      Many therapists will do a free initial phone consult during which you can interview then to see if you like their style. If you need a more hands-off approach, you can bring that up right from the start and see if they think they’d be a good fit.

    11. SuprisinglyADHD*

      In the end, a therapist works for you. Their job is to help you find solutions, not DECIDE on a solution and insist it’s the only thing for you to do. Your instincts are on point, it’s very weird for them to insist on something you’re not comfortable with to the point of excluding all other discussions from multiple sessions. “Not trusting” them, as they put it, is the result of them ignoring your wishes and boundaries.
      It sounds like this therapist is not the right fit for you. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to stick to one-on-one therapy. Feel free to try someone new, every therapist has different methods and most people end up taking a while to find the right fit for them.
      I tried a few different mental health professionals before finding the one I’ve been going to for years. I knew very quickly that I wanted to stay with this one because my feelings leaving my first few appointments were so different to previous ones. She didn’t disbelieve what I was telling her, or tell me that my “self-diagnosis” was incorrect or that I shouldn’t have come in with an opinion on what my problems were. She asked me questions to make sure we were using the same definitions for certain terminology. She didn’t have me tell her all of my traumas right away, she let me tell her what I wanted to work on most urgently. And when I told her I wanted to switch tracks and work on something else for a few weeks because we weren’t making progress, she listened and didn’t force the issue.
      So in answer to your final question, you know someone is the right fit/balance for you when you feel comfortable with them as a practitioner, and like you are in control of your treatment. That will look different for everyone. Some people want to be shoved out of their comfort zone, others prefer to learn how to grow their comfort zone, and others want help navigating life while keeping their comfort zone as-is. Some people just want new habits or thought patterns, and some want medications to get them through so they can have time/energy to learn the new habits, and some are looking for long-term medications that can bring them up to the same baseline most would consider standard.
      Try to get at least a broad idea of what you’re hoping to achieve, and that will help you decide if any given practitioner is what you’re looking for.
      Best of luck! It can be a long and sometimes frustrating process, but finding the right doc is worth it!

    12. Vanessa*

      First, and this is easier said than done, a very clear “no I’m not interested in group therapy.”
      Second, at least in states I’ve lived in, the client has the right to input/refuse interventions. It should not be a continued push.
      Sometimes there are treatment needs that respond better to group dynamics. It doesn’t necessarily sound like the circumstances here.
      Lastly, if this therapist would benefit financially from you being in a group, run. It sounds like they are working for their own interests not yours.

    13. Part time lab tech*

      I started out with a recommendation from a health provider for my child that went well, and asked that therapist for a recommendation for an issue out of her area. Therapist 1 is a very good fit for me, to the point where I need to actively bring up more practical techniques because it’s so easy for us to repeat similar discussions when I’ve got enough clarity now. She was good for my child too although I might try someone else now that he’s older.
      Therapist 2 was ok in session but moved overseas and finally ghosted us. Still got useful information though but wouldn’t go back to him.
      I’d start with recommendations from health providers, then family and friends.
      Personally I wouldn’t be put off by a low public presence. I think all my health professionals are good, but they all have a low profile, just a headshot and short blurb. Then try them. See if they’ll do a 15 min phone call or send them an email.

    14. Ellen Ripley*

      I think it’s good for therapists to offer some pushback, based on their knowledge and professional judgement.

      That said, my very excellent therapist always tells me that therapy is providing me tools to take or leave. I am paying her to provide me a service. I don’t have to share anything I don’t want, I don’t have to take her advice or use the tools she shares.

      I think it is good to try things that may make you uncomfortable, but only to a certain point. You know yourself better than anyone. If you don’t feel like spending time and money on this will be helpful, then you shouldn’t have to. The fact that your therapist has pushed you multiple times even after you said no (and has said your reasons aren’t good enough) is a kind of boundary-trampling that I wouldn’t feel safe around. Maybe you don’t trust your therapist because they don’t treat your thoughts and needs with respect.

      I hope you find the support that you deserve!

    15. ReplacementNotAutomatic*

      While I completely agree this therapist is totally wrong for you and you should stop seeing them, be aware that it may not be easy to find someone else you’re simpatico with because there is a massive shortage of mental health professionals right now.

      My pain psychologist retired at the end of 2021. I spent a year waiting for them to find a replacement, then when they decided they wouldn’t be able to replace him, I spent 8 months on a waiting list for a social worker affiliated with the same system as my primary care doctor. When I finally got to the font of the queue it turns out they didn’t usually offer the type of services I was supposed to be getting and they wouldn’t keep my information as private as I expected so we ended up parting ways. I have not yet found someone else taking new patients providing the services I had been getting.

    16. Is it Friday yet?*

      Thanks all for the thoughtful and empathetic replies. It’s been helpful to read them and know my frustrations are reasonable. Indolent Libertine, I’m going to repurpose your script because that’s exactly what I need to say. Also helpful to hear how therapy is supposed to feel when things are going well, and that’s not really how I’ve been feeling. So for multiple reasons, it makes sense for me to shop around. thank you thank you!!

  39. Am I too Frugal?*

    Recently, I was looking to go out to eat to celebrate something. I looked at some of the more popular and supposedly best places to eat and the price was maybe $100 per person. I just can’t fathom spending that much on one meal.

    I grew up and we were probably upper lower class so we had food and a place to live but not much extra spending money. We rarely went out to eat and vacation was just going to another state to visit grandparents. I find that I am now frugal even though I’m doing fairly well for myself. My savings rate is over 50% of my salary and yet I can’t make myself spend money on expensive things if I think I can get similar value for less.

    Anyway, I don’t know why I’m posting. Maybe I’m just wondering if it’s normal to have trouble spending money on expensive things if you grew up with less money. I guess I’m also wondering what makes a meal worth $100 plus for one person?

    1. Helvetica*

      In general, restaurant prices have really grown exponentially.
      At the same time, I love going out to really good restaurants, such as those awarded Michelin stars so the price can come up to $200 per person or even more. For me, the appeal is that I will eat something I could never make myself or even fathom how to make, and I love experiencing new flavours and textures in food.
      I treat it like a hobby, so I partake occasionally and get a wonderful experience out of it. I am frugal in some other parts of my life, so I guess maybe you just don’t put that emphasis on food, which is perfectly fine.

    2. fposte*

      Generally somebody eating out for $100 isn’t going for just a meal, they’re going for an experience. What makes Disneyworld worth $100+ when the state fair is $8?

      Whether the difference in the experience is worth it depends on individual taste and budget, of course. So you’ve got more budget than you used to, but do you know in what ways it might bring you more enjoyment? If the frugality is its own pleasure maybe you’re getting the most satisfaction from what you’re doing. However, I’ll mention a couple of entry-level possibilities for using money to improve your life.

      • upgrading ancient or bargain basement household and kitchen equipment
      • minimizing the time spent making a purchase decision for items
      • paying for outside help to do household labor you don’t enjoy

      For me the math isn’t how much this expenditure compares to doing it more cheaply, it’s how much value/reward the expenditure brings to me. I’ve never spent $100 for a dinner out, but as part of a special occasion with friends or family I can see doing it, whereas Disney, or high end cars, or good liquor, are wasted on me. But my examples above all relate to time, either in buying more of it or making it more efficient and even enjoyable. Even if you’re uncomfortable with a splurge, getting that wonky light fixed or finally getting a good kitchen knife will give back repeatedly to your quality of life.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        The new gas range we bought at the start of the pandemic (which is a midlevel option from Home Depot) was so worth every penny. The old range worked, but in a very quirky, need to sidle up to it just right, sort of way. The new one just turned on.

        1. fposte*

          Exactly! After living in my house for almost 20 years I finally got an electrician to make all of my basement lights operable from the top of the stairs. Not complicated, and life improving on a daily basis.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Lots of things are normal, and may or may not be for you. Lots of things that are fine at a level 3-7 get weird when done at level 10.

      Saving over 50% of your salary is unusual, but for some people would be how they aimed to meet some goal. Like earning a good tech salary while continuing to live like a graduate student, because you want to have the sort of financial cushion that lets you say “I’m turning 38 and I’d like to take a year off and travel.” Where that’s important to you but a fancier apartment or car or clothes are not.

      I would spend $100/person for what I considered to be an exceptional meal, usually a tasting menu. In big cities those can now run more like $200-400, which is out of my special treat range. But if your line between special treat and oh come on now is lower, that’s okay.

      I think it’s easy to hit that rate if you go out for $15 appetizer, $40 main, $15 dessert, $15 cocktail, plus tax and tip. Which I would do for a small family group on a birthday.

      If you are saving at that rate just on a general sense of stomach clenching anxiety about something someday going wrong, that might be worth untangling with a pro. But if the reasoning is that you want to hit a goal (like paying off all your existing student and medical debt, then saving up a downpayment) then that doesn’t strike me as at all unusual.

    5. Generic Name*

      I would say that you are unusually frugal (a 50%+ savings rate is practically unheard of). At here is a huge number of restaurants that are less expensive than $100 per plate but more expensive than cooking at home (as in the vast majority of restaurants). But to echo fposte’s comment, part of what you’re paying for is the experience. Generally restaurants in that price range have extraordinary serve in addition to good food. In my area, those restaurants can be a destination as well. The Fort is a good example. It’s in the foothills outside of Denver and it looks like an old Fort. The food is game and it’s a really neat and unique experience.

      But also there is a huge difference between spending no money and spending hundreds on dinners out.

    6. Not A Manager*

      Celebrating should be fun, not a chore. If you *want* to experience a certain restaurant, and it happens to be over $100/person, then work on ways to give yourself permission to go and enjoy yourself. If you want to celebrate, but an expensive meal would feel weird and burdensome, then don’t do it. Pick a restaurant or cuisine that’s just slightly over the top of your usual budget, where you know it will feel like a treat and not like an extravagance.

      If you would like to “train” yourself to be able to enjoy pricier things that you can, objectively, afford, then I’d suggest titrating up in any case. Pay for the marginally-expensive things you can enjoy now without feeling guilty, and next time pick the next level up. You should get some good feedback when something does feel like the marginal extra expense wasn’t worth it. When that happens, don’t berate yourself for “wasting money.” Part of what you’d be paying for is the ongoing experience of learning which expenses add value to your life, and which ones do not.

    7. Am I too Frugal?*

      Just to give more context on the savings rate – It’s not that I’m saving so much but still living like a grad student. It’s just that over the years my salary has went up but I kept my major expenses (housing, transportation) low, and paid off all my debt. I now make lower six figures. I don’t have children. My only debt is my home which I purchased it in 2007, so I have a low mortgage payment relative to the salaries in my city now. I drive a paid off car. I save 50% because I can, and probably because I value security a little more based on my upbringing. My hobbies are relatively cheap (hiking, reading, crafting). I don’t feel like I deprive myself though. Instead of the fancy meal I spent $100 on a massage. I have some expensive items like a Vitamix and nice knives, pots and pans. I will spend on travel, and health and some experiences.

      I think Helvetica might be right that I just don’t put emphasis on eating out. I’ll look at the menu at a restaurant and think I could just make the meal and it would almost as good and cheaper. I’m sure it isn’t true that I can make one as good as some of these places but I guess my meals are adequate enough for me. I do like eating, but also like cooking and so that probably plays into it. It was just that while searching forums trying to choose a restaurant, people would casually talk of eating at these expensive places regularly as if it were the norm. For me, I cannot imagine it being a normal, everyday expense. But then I thought.. maybe I’m just cheap.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Nah, don’t judge yourself as “cheap.” It’s great that you’ve been so financially wise that you’re setting yourself up to have the security to be able to take great care of yourself as you get older and maybe face unexpected expenses.

        If cooking for yourself is something you like and you don’t want to spend undue money eating out, that’s 100% fine. If you still want to eat out to celebrate, maybe find a cheaper restaurant that serves something you don’t usually cook at home? Or figure out another way to treat yourself and celebrate by upgrading something that you will enjoy for a long time, as folks above were suggesting.

      2. Jay (no, the other one)*

        Sounds like you’re willing to spend money on food preparation and cooking, so it’s not about being cheap. It’s about priorities and preferences. My husband and I regularly eat at restaurants that cost close to that amount – “regularly” meaning about once a week if we have time. Eating out has become much expensive since the pandemic started, for one thing. We also love to cook and eating out is a different pleasure (for one thing we don’t have to do the dishes).

        We found that less expensive restaurants weren’t as good and weren’t as much fun. And hubs has a food allergy that fine dining restaurants can easily accommodate and other places are less likely to get right. We just enjoy it.

        I have a version of this, though. I like a nice car. I drive a mid-range import with lots of bells and whistles and I enjoy it. I cannot imagine paying for a true high-end, luxury car like a Mercedes or BMW. That’s me.

        1. allathian*

          Funny, because I don’t see BMW as a luxury brand, more like upper (?) middle class. I drive a 255xe Active Tourer eDrive (plug-in hybrid). Granted, it’s 8 years old and we bought it last spring for 15k euros, and it’s the most expensive car we’ve ever bought… BMWs are about as common here as Volvos.

          I see Bentley and Rolls-Royce as luxury brands.

          I’ve paid more than 100 USD for a meal and wine menu in a fine dining restaurant. Twice, with the same group of friends, the first time to celebrate our 35th birthdays and the second time to celebrate our 50th… I’d really like to go once a year, we can afford it.

          1. Jay (no, the other one)*

            I’m in the US and I’m thinking of the larger BMW sedans – I do see your point. Definitely Bentley and Rolls. I looked at a used Mercedes the last time I was in the market for a car and it was twice what I ended up paying for mine. Just couldn’t see it.

          2. fhqwhgads*

            I was under the impression the auto industry itself defines these types of categories, such as “luxury” brands vs regular. So BMW, Audi, Acura, Lexus are luxury brands.
            Rolls Royce and Bentley are considered “prestige” brands.

      3. Observer*

        I’ll look at the menu at a restaurant and think I could just make the meal and it would almost as good and cheaper.

        I think that this is at the core of the issue, and where you might be shortchanging yourself just a bit.

        What you pay for when you buy an expensive meal is the experience, the ability to have the food that you “could make for yourself” without having to actually do any of the work, experience / try something new at actually fairly low investment of time and effort and / or have the thing you “could” do for yourself but won’t *actually* do for yourself.

        Now there is no rule that you need to have or do any of those things. So if you decide that this doesn’t interest you, or that it does but in areas that are not food related, that seems like a perfectly healthy decision to make. As long is it’s not about such a high level of anxiety that it keeps you from enjoying yourself in ways that are fiscally responsible, a decision to pamper yourself in “this” way rather than “that” way (eg restaurants) that a lot of other people enjoy, it’s fine. You get to choose what speaks to you and what you enjoy.

    8. Emma*

      I think part of it is that all food is more expensive than it used to be. I could easily spend $25 for a cheese steak and fries at a local spot. Fast food can easily run you $15.

      The $100 will presumably be more thoughtfully prepared/special, if you wanted to partake for a special occasion. But if you don’t, that’s ok! it’s fine if food is not your thing. I’m sure you have other things that you care for. It’s all about finding a balance between covering your needs, and enjoying yourself sometimes, if it’s in your budget.

    9. Sloanicota*

      ha ha I was just having this conversation with my friends – up to $60 falls into the category of “small purchases” to us and can be spent without worrying about it (we are fortunate to have good jobs but live in an expensive area), but anything above that amount triggers an evaluation: is this really worth it? $100 for a meal makes me feel like it has to be special, like someone’s birthday or some other big occasion, not everyday.

      1. CityMouse*

        I make good money now but I’ve been in the position of scrimping and feeling hesitant to buy a $40 pair of shoes but then the next day handing over $200 to the dentist always felt hard (I have to be meticulous about my teeth due to issues from when I was a kid).

        1. Sloanicota*

          Yeah honestly same. It’s hard to save when the money gets “blown” on stuff I didn’t want to pay for, like a new hot water heater, medical stuff that’s boring/scary, or pet emergencies. My mom always says “duh, that’s why you save!” (so you can afford these things, she means) but … I’d like to reconnect with the joy of having money and spending it on things I value and appreciate someday.

    10. Decidedly Me*

      I grew up pretty poor (actually, solid middle class and THEN very poor pretty suddenly) – think nearly homeless poor. As an adult, I was still quite poor for a long time, though not as much as when I was a kid, but I’m doing really well for myself now. It took me a long time to spend money on myself. I remember feeling like I really made it when I realized that I could buy raspberries if I wanted!! I had to teach myself that it was ok to spend money on myself. And as someone who has gone both from have to have not and have not to have, the latter is infinitely harder.

      Like you, I save a ton of my income. The company I was at awhile back added a 401k mid-year and I managed to max it out still by essentially not paying myself for a bit, since my savings were in a good place.

      As for expensive meals – they can be really nice! Interesting flavors, techniques, a fun experience, etc. Tasting menus are a favorite of mine.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        The most expensive meal I ever had cost over EUR 100, but it was at Le Train Bleu in Paris. I had the set menu (cheaper than a la carte) and drinks, and yes, it was expensive but the food was fantastic, and also I was paying for a spectacular location. It’s all original 19th century decor, and you could imagine Hercule Poirot having his lunch there before setting off on a train to the French Riviera to solve a murder.

        So sometimes it’s not about the money, but the experience.

    11. MissGirl*

      I’d recommend checking out the podcast series I Will Teach You to Be Rich. He talks to a lot of people who have all the money they could ever need but can’t bring themselves to go on a trip or won’t go out with friends. He digs deep into the psychology of money and what it means and how a person was raised. He wants the listener to live their rich life however they define it.

      What are you saving for? Do you think it’ll make you feel more secure? How much is secure? Does that number keep changing? How we feel about money isn’t always correlated to how much we have. Can you take the things you like and bedazzle them (this comes from the Money Guys)? You mention you like to hike. What would it feel like to go to say Switzerland and hike the Alps or do the Incan trails?

      What would it feel like to be more giving to friends? Is there an experience you want to do but would like someone to do it with you? Could you offer to supplement a friend’s cost?

      1. Sloanicota*

        It’s always a little sad to me when people are focused on saving for medical expenses in retirement, even though I appreciate the wisdom in that – since it’s not like you’re going to enjoy those things and be happy you skipped out on meals with friends or dream vacations. Also, you can never save enough for end of life medical expenses really, it seems like

        1. Emma*

          As someone who’s cared for someone who’s poor, in their end of life, the level of un-enjoyment they had, in not having money to cover basic medical expenses, was quite high. I wouldn’t say people should forgo all fun stuff when they’re young, but it really really sucks to be poor when you’re old. It was one of our grandparents’ last words to us – “pay yourself first”. To be clear, they weren’t on their deathbed when they said it, but they were in poor health, and died a month or so later.

            1. Sloanicota*

              I think this is it, it’s a balance. I wouldn’t ever want to reach retirement without savings, but I also would never forgo most of the joys of youth in order to save more for retirement, as I have learned by experience that the future isn’t guaranteed.

              1. Angstrom*

                Yup. Pushing everything to a “someday” list isn’t wise, because we don’t know how many good days we have. I’ve seen too many people defer things until retirement and then have health issues that turn “someday” to “never”.

    12. GoryDetails*

      I don’t think you’re too frugal at all – well, unless you’re feeling pinched when going about your daily life, in which case maybe try giving yourself a bit more of an allowance.

      As for restaurant meals, yeah, they can be pricey – especially if you add drinks; a beer that would cost me a couple of bucks in the can runs $10 at a restaurant. Doesn’t stop me from ordering one – or an even pricier cocktail if I’m in the mood – but it does affect the budget, and how often I can indulge by dining out. But I enjoy it, whether it’s trying fascinating new dishes (we have some very inventive chef-owned restaurants in my general area) or just feeling like having somebody else feed me (I live alone, so if I don’t want to make all the food AND serve it to myself AND clean up, I need to take steps). And many of my friends are foodies of one level or another, interested in different cuisines and enjoying mini road-trips to new restaurants to share the food and the company.

      As my principle hobby – after “books” (I buy a LOT of books) – is probably the dining-out thing, I’d guess I dine out a couple of times a week at least. But as it is a hobby, it’s part of the budget, and the money others might spend on videogames or trips to exotic locations or spa treatments or whatever, I spend on restaurants and books. (Er, books and restaurants – gotta keep the priorities straight. Oh, and the costs of the cat supplies, food, and vet bills don’t count as hobbies, those are normal costs of living {wry grin}.)

      If you’d *like* to dabble in fancy (fancier?) dining, check your area for “restaurant week” specials; restaurants sign up for those, offering fixed-price menus with limited selections, and while they might still be pricey it’s a good way to sample a restaurant for less than a typical a la carte meal would cost. But if you’re happy dining at home, go for it!

    13. Abigail*

      Three things make dining out worth it to me:

      (1) the food itself. There are some cooking methods (frying) that I don’t do at home but I still like to eat. There are also regions I am not as good at cooking (Thai) at home. There are more things in those categories.

      (2) each person can order what they want. I am primarily cooking for myself and my two children and sometimes it’s just nice for us to each other what we want instead of making one meal that (inevitably) somebody doesn’t really feel like eating

      (3) clean up. The break from doing the dishes and cleaning up afterwards is heaven on earth some days.

      For reference, we live a major American city and the three of us dining out isn’t $100 a head. The three of us dining out, with tax and tip, is typically about $80. It could get to $100 if I order a drink.

      1. carcinization*

        Agreed on the fried food, I very rarely make fried things at home and getting them when out to eat helps them to be a once-in-awhile indulgence. And actually, also agreed on getting foods out that I don’t make at home in general, such as sushi… I’m getting decent at some Thai preparations, but I’m not ever going to be confident with chunks of raw fish at home, or get one of those little mats for rolling sushi, etc.

    14. Girasol*

      It’s your celebration. What do you want out of it? If you’ve always loved dressing up and eating out at an elegant restaurant with chef-created dishes, then splurge for a change. As for me, I’m not the dress up sort and feel out of place in such spots, so $100 would be a waste for me even if I can afford it. There are lots of less expensive restaurants with excellent food – especially ethnic places – that would suit me better. What about you? What would really feel like a celebration to you?

    15. RagingADHD*

      It’s interesting that you frame it as “having trouble” spending money on things, when you aren’t actually interested in the things and don’t feel like you would enjoy them.

      That’s not trouble. That’s a choice.

      Now, if there are things you actually want or need, if you don’t feel like you have any fun at all, or if you don’t get to spend time with people you care about, etc, -and you could objectively afford it – that is something to work on.

      People enjoy or value different things. Some people love fancy food because it’s a unique experience, or because they can taste the difference in ingredients or techniques, etc.

      Other people aren’t much interested in restaurants but love to travel, or have family who live far away, or love going to live theater, or take lessons on a special interest, or…all kinds of things. Folks who spend money on things they do not value or enjoy, just because they like the sensation of spending money, or because expensiveness itself makes them feel special or important, do not have a healthy relationship with money.

      Spending modestly on things that matter to you less, so you can have the freedom to enjoy things that matter more, is balanced.

    16. Irish Teacher.*

      As somebody who grew up relatively poor – on benefits but in a house my family owned and with no debts or anything like that – I’d frame it slightly differently. I feel that some of us who grew up with less money but still with relatively comfortable lifestyles don’t necessarily feel the need to spend money on expensive things because we grew up with the assumption that life could be comfortable and enjoyable without meals out or holidays or stuff like that.

      I grew up with enough on benefits, so while yeah, I enjoy a play or the occasional meal out or whatever, they seem like luxuries.

    17. CityMouse*

      I’ve eaten at a couple expensive places and I have to say I’ve never walked away going “that was worth the cost”. I’ll take an excellent taco over an expensive steak any way.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yes, I think this is my feeling too. I’m not a foodie and even expensive places in my city are going to have some service hiccups, so while I would spend $100/person on a fancy occasion if that was the order of the day (like, a friend picked that for their birthday or something) – I doubt I’d enjoy the meal more than a $50 one, and that budget more than covers lots of decent places by me.

    18. check it out*

      I have a hard time going to pricey restaurants like that…. it’s been many years. We eat out one a week, a mix of grabbing something at Taco Bell, to my fave breakfast-for-lunch place, to “nicer” places. I often enjoy the nicer places more if they feature things I would have difficulty making at home or are just hard to get for home cooks (the Wed prime rib special at a restaurant closer to my MIL).

    19. Angstrom*

      For eating out, we tend to do either relatively inexpensive(pizza, Thai, etc.) or something very nice once or twice a year. Either way, it’s something we wouldn’t cook at home. Going out for mid-level “I could make this at home” food has no appeal and seems like a poor value.

    20. Angstrom*

      As for spending in general, everyone has different priorities. There was a period when we had yard-sale furniture and a nice canoe because being on the water was important to us. Other folks thought we were nuts. That’s OK.
      It’s good to look at how much you use a thing do determine value. Something like kitchen knives that you handle every day — they don’t have to be high-end, but they should be something you like using. If you mutter about “This damn thing….” every time you use it, it’s no bargain.
      I think of most goods as having three broad levels. At the cheapest/lowest quality end, they can actually make your task or activity harder. Tools, sporting goods, musical instruments, clothing, etc. — the cheapest ones usually don’t fit properly, don’t work well, and don’t last. I’ve seen beginners get frustrated and quit an activity because of crappy equipment.
      Then there’s a broad mid-level where stuff works reasonably well for most people. This is where the best values are.
      At the high end you start to pay a lot more for slight improvements in performance. Worth it to some if it’s something they really care about.
      Of course, everyone will draw the lines between the groups differently depending on income, experiences, and desires.

    22. Busy Middle Manager*

      You’re freaking out because you’re only looking at the cost of the literal food. But dining out is about the total experience. Does the place have a lovely view/or grounds to walk/take a group photo? Is it more convenient to meet there than at someone’s house? What about people watching. When I lived in NYC dining out was all about the people watching and having an excuse to dress up and see and be scene. It’s also somewhat about the food – try out some new dish or food combination you never thought of, and if it’s good, you have a new recipe for home. And if anyone in the group drinks, they want to dry good bar-made drinks.

    23. Observer*

      yet I can’t make myself spend money on expensive things if I think I can get similar value for less.

      That’s a real double edged knife. Yes, it can most definitely help you keep from making stupid and unreasonably (for you) purchases. But it can also wind up costing you money because you didn’t really look at the whole picture. So I think that’s the key thing you need to look at if you are questioning your spending.

      Some things that I think you might want to think about when looking at this stuff-

      ** How important is the category to me? You really like cooking, so you should allow yourself more leeway with this. But say you really are not into fashion, it makes more sense to not pay “extra” for trendiness, even if it’s not much.

      ** Are you looking at the full picture? What that looks like depends on the particulars. When we were looking for a new car many years ago, my husband wanted to buy Brand X because it was significantly less expensive than Brand Y. But when we discussed it, we realized that if we want to keep the car for more than 3 years, we would wind up saving a nice amount of money on better repair record and much better gas mileage. So while on paper the cars were “similar” value, for us it wasn’t the case. What made it a bit trickier is that a lot of the “calculators” for car value factor in depreciation. And that’s something that was not relevant for us because by the time you hit 5 years on car you’re lucky if you get $500 on the best preserved car, in this class (or at least this was true at that point. I haven’t had to look at car purchasing in a number of years.)

      ** Related – how “similar” is similar. Once you start looking at all the costs, you may also realize that Choice A has some differences from Choice B. They may (or may not) matter to most people but if it matters to you that may change it from “similar” to very different value proposition. Like you’re looking at shirts, and you see two shirts that seem to be of similar quality but one is a lot less expensive than the other. But then you discover that one shirt fits you SO much better than the other. That would make the value of the cheaper shirt a LOT less “similar”.

      If you’re looking at all of that and youre answers are reasonable to you, you’re doing fine.

  40. fposte*

    Heloise tips, please:

    Iran some empty cans through the dishwasher with a collapsible plastic bowl. One of the labels got glued on to the plastic bowl. Usually rubbing alcohol deals with such things, but it’s not working at all. Neither is acetone. Anybody got other solvent thoughts?

    1. Helvetica*

      It’s happened to me and I guess it is a combination of the hot water and detergent in the dishwasher, so re-wash it and it should come loose; at least it worked for me.

      1. fposte*

        Even the glue without the paper? I mean, “run it through again” is always my favorite solution, but I’m curious.

      2. Shiny Penny*

        I avoid putting anything with labels into the dishwasher in the first place, since the labels can migrate. The worst case would be a label (or even just the glue) washing down and blocking the drain pump. That would be my personal nightmare! Maybe this would never happen? But it would be such a giant headache.

        1. fposte*

          Yeah, I had a stupid moment. I actually have an old dishwasher with a macerator so I don’t think a label would survive, but it’s still not worth it.

      2. fposte*

        That sounds like a song lyric. And really, I should probably have some Goo Gone in my armory in general, so I’ll pick some up.

      3. Strive to Excel*

        I’d just make sure that Goo Gone doesn’t melt the bowl, either. Not all plastics go well with it.

      1. Animal worker*

        Agree with Bookworm – peanut butter does wonders with adhesives when other things don’t work. Then Dawn breaks down and cleans off the peanut butter. This even worked years ago in a wildlife program I worked at with a ringneck parakeet that got all wrapped up in a fly strip.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            I used olive oil to get a baby snake off a piece of tape. It worked, although he was super pissed about being wiped off before I let him go, lol.

      2. ThatOtherClare*

        I used peanut butter to clean some kind of unidentified sticky label residue off the plastic trays inside a 50 year old Horn sewing desk. I was afraid anything stronger would damage the acrylic, especially since the adhesive seemed to have been applied by some novel process of cold fusion. It required an overnight ‘soak’ and a little elbow grease, but it worked a treat!

      3. Thatgirl*

        Not that you can’t use peanut butter, but the magic is likely in the fat – spreading canola or coconut oil over it might be cheaper and easier.

    6. Red Sky*

      If it’s just glue/adhesive residue, any kind of cooking oil will take it off. Dab some on, let sit for a bit and it will start to dissolve the adhesive to the point where you should be able to wipe it off.

    7. Girasol*

      If you have waterless hand cleaner around, you might try it. That stuff dissolves a lot of sticky substances.

    8. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Goo-Gone and Goof-Off have both saved me from sticky disasters in the past. Part of the problem you’re facing might be due to the dishwasher’s dry cycle baking the label on. An overnight soak in soapy water might help a lot, that’s what I would try between rubbing alcohol/acetone and other solvents.

    10. fposte*

      Verdict: peanut butter was an easy and speedy victory! I was thinking the same thing as ThatGirl that it’s really just the oil, but my only alternative was my nice olive oil so I just stuck with the peanut butter. Thanks for the tip!

    1. Yay!*

      Yes, The Police’s first album, “Egg” was a good one. :-)

      Listening to Lachune on YouTube — what a marvelous voice.
      Also early Beatles.
      A lot of jazz.
      Mary Chapin Carpenter (a folk singer to me, a country singer to some)
      John Gorka (folk singer – what a voice)
      A lot of classical music

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Jungle’s Volcano on repeat. I randomly found them through their videos on YouTube which are incredible.

      1. CityMouse*

        They just dropped a new dance video a couple days ago. Those dancers they work with are extraordinary.

        1. Damn it, Hardison!*

          I set an alarm on my iPad so I could watch it right when it came out. The dancers are absolutely amazing. I watched the whole Volcano movie twice last weekend. It’s mesmerizing!

    3. CityMouse*

      I listen to just about everything. I listen to a lot of musicals, a lot of Classical when I’m working, 80s and 90s type stuff when I’m exercising.

    4. Unkempt Flatware*

      I’m a pretty exclusive early-mid nineties hip hop listener these days. But I live with a man my age who I joke lived through two 80s and jumped right into the 00s (a play on a Field of Dreams line). He knows nothing about pop culture of the 90s. I think because his parents were old when he was born. So he listens to only classic R&B–or however you would classify music like Roy Ayers, Bobbi Humphreys, Otis Redding, etc. You’d think we could at least come together on music like NWA or The Roots, but no. We trade off on listening to each others’ albums.

    5. moss, fourth of their name*

      A lot of k-pop these days. (Which is a weird term, because these days “k-pop” groups do a wide variety of genres, but I digress.) I’ve been listening to the latest release of a kband called Day6 and trying to decide if I like it. I’ve really enjoyed heir previous stuff, and maybe it’s just my mood, but it hasn’t hit me eight just yet. We’ll see.

    7. Chaordic One*

      Lately I’ve been on a “pop music from the 1990s kick.” Toad the Wet Sprocket, The Gin Blossoms, Oasis, Smashing Pumpkins, Soundgarden, Garbage, Green Day, The Cranberries, The Counting Crows… Quite the nostalgia trip.

  43. Esprit de l'escalier*

    I have a different question about having a hard time spending money. My blockage is about giving to causes that I want to support. I can’t get over feeling that my $50 or $100 is not going to make a difference and will open me up to perpetual appeals for more donations and the needs are a bottomless pit, and on a more practical level, I can’t decide which specific instance of a good cause to give to.

    I want to counter this internal narrative, and it would help me to know how other people decide just which sites to get on and actually donate when there are so many groups doing similar work with similar ratings. Also, which charity checker site(s) do you recommend? The only one I know of is Charity Navigator and I don’t know how reliable it is.

    1. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Sadly, it WILL open you to a deluge of requests, and it’s so freaking obnoxious. It’s honestly made me donate LESS because I don’t need that in my life.

      1. ampersand*

        So obnoxious! I moved out of state and the places I donated to in old city have found me (via mail) in new city and are still asking for money. It’s not that I don’t care about their causes, but I’m more inclined to give to causes nearby than to where I used to live. I admire their gumption, I suppose? But I also feel bad they’re wasting postage on mail that I throw straight into the recycle bin.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I keep a separate email account for commercial activity. I give once a year, from a set budget. I allocate resources according to what’s important to me – human health, environmental causes, animal welfare, education, etc. Within each category, I do some brief google research including charity watchdogs sites, and then I make my donations all at once.

    3. ecnaseener*

      I find it helpful to have a whole separate debit account (with no fees and no minimum balance) just for donations. A chunk of each paycheck gets automatically transferred in, and then when I see something I want to donate to, I can donate however much is currently in that account, no more. It helps get rid of part of the stressful decision-making. And then once a month, if I have money sitting in the account, I go through the recent solicitation emails I’ve gotten and pick one, or a few, to empty out the account. It feels easier to just pick something when I *have* to send the money somewhere. Honestly, it’s often just whichever solicitations are most recent in my inbox. I would’ve unsubscribed already if I didn’t want to donate to them.

      Which brings me to my second point: yes, you will get emails asking for more money once you’ve donated, but you can just click unsubscribe on the first email if you want. (Snail mail is harder of course. I never even open it. Again, I’ll get their emails if I’m interested!)

      Another thing re: small amounts not making a difference — recurring donations are actually super helpful, even small ones, so feel free to set up a few small monthly donations to a few select causes and then leave it alone if that’s easier than choosing orgs anew all the time.

      Charity navigator is reliable as far as I know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ but who vets the vetter?

    4. ampersand*

      I donate to causes that I feel strongly about. Food banks are a big one because everyone needs to eat; environmental/animal causes are also important to me, as are human rights. And sometimes I donate on a whim if I come across an organization that’s asking for money. I donate fairly small amounts ($20, $50, etc) to a variety of organizations, because I really do believe that every dollar makes a difference. So I would definitely try to counter the voice telling you that donating a small amount isn’t worth it–it all adds up. :)

      It *will* open you up to getting allll the mail/email from them, though. That’s hard–I have to tell myself that I’ve already donated the amount I can afford, so while I can appreciate that they’re asking for more money I’ve done what I can do for now. That mindset helps me not feel bad about doing more.

    5. Pay it forward*

      For me I usually try to choose either a local cause that I align with or a national one doing good work. The benefit of a local one is that you can be involved in their work and will be less likely to get spammed with asks – if you do it is easier to get off that list as well. The national one I am typically also pretty familiar with their work before donating. It is harder to get off the list, and they often do share donor lists. For me or example – I’ll donate to a local organization working to protect wildlife, and to something like NRDC for national (as an environmentalist they are one of the groups who will generally sue to protect whatever bit of environment is in danger).

    6. Pam Adams*

      I like the causes where my $25 does make a difference. Kiva.org, for example, makes microloans to people- outside the US, a few hundred dollars may be all someone needs time to start changing their life.

    7. RagingADHD*

      I donate to groups I have a personal connection with – my local homeless shelter & transitional housing, my church, my NPR station, arts organizations where I know people, political campaigns I support, the animal rescue we fostered for, etc.

      I would not be comfortable donating to some group I just found online.

      Maybe what you’re missing is a sense of community? Try getting involved with organizations close to home, where you can see the results, and giving will become a natural outgrowth of that involvement.

    8. Double A*

      I have a monthly budget for donations (which I need to revisit and increase I think), and some of that is dedicated to recurring monthly donations in the $30 range, so $350-400 a year. Which isn’t a ton, but it’s reliable and I don’t have to think about it.

      I chose charities based on causes that are important to me, then I do start local. One is a local conservation group that does a ton of work in my area, we go to their events all the time, my kids go to their summer camps, and we value the land they’ve conserved. They’re quite integral to my community. So that’s an easy choice.

      Vox.com is a source I trust and they’ve done recommendations of international environmental organizations, so one of my regular donations goes to a group that funds work indigenous people are doing to preserve rainforests.

      Part of my charity budget is for spontaneous giving, which can include things like giving money directly to people on the street or contributing to GoFundMes. I don’t have to know how those people are going to spend the money in granular detail; I know they need it.

      So what I’d do is 1) Set a monthly budget, 2) Pick one or more charity to donate to on monthly basis and 3) Have a specific chunk each month for spontaneous giving.

    9. Anonymous cat*

      For the followup requests for more money issue:

      What about sending a money order and leaving off your return address?

      This is more work to donate but prevents more mail.

    10. Emma*

      I think about it in terms of my donation, combined with others’. if you look at political campaigns, this is really evident. My $20 alone isn’t doing much, but when you combine it with others’, it adds up.

      Also, recurring donations are great, because they allow an organization to budget and plan, long term.

      As fast

    11. mreasy*

      The way I got around this is by donating smaller amounts as a monthly donor. I am lucky to be able to donate about $300 per month but I split it among about 20 organizations. From my reading, monthly donor numbers are hugely important to nonprofit orgs when it comes to grant applications and securing other support. And yeah, they will probably continue to email you. It’s their job.

    12. Falling Diphthong*

      When we reevaluated the automatic monthly donations, I stopped donating to the one group that appeared to spend my donation on appeals to me, and redistributed it to a raise for everyone else. It’s by no means a universal approach to fundraising, and many charities will give you choices about how much you want to hear from them.

    13. Llellayena*

      I donate to groups run by or volunteered at by family and friends. Those I don’t mind getting the emails from. I also donate through my church in a way that doesn’t put me on mailing lists (purchase charity donation Christmas cards). The one time I donated directly to Habitat for Humanity I received more crap in the mail over the next year (note pads, labels, magnets) asking for more money than could have been produced by the $20 I donated. So I stopped donating money and will only donate time to them.

    14. academic fashion*

      I donate $5/month to an organization that buys out and cancels medical debt. To my knowledge, it hasn’t opened me up to more emails; the only ones I get notify me of my monthly contribution and urge me to ask my employer to match it. I read somewhere that small, recurring donations are often valuable because it allow the organization to count on those funds, so I set the monthly total low and know it’s a decent amount over the year.

    15. fposte*

      One way around the deluge problem is with a donor-advised fund. With those you donate the money to the custodian—I use Fidelity, and it looks like they don’t have a minimum to open anymore—and then you “direct” donations from that account, which you can have sent anonymously. Other advantages are controlling the years you take a bigger charitable deduction and, if you have old assets that have increased in value enough that capital gains would take a big bite, getting full bang for that buck instead since donations aren’t subject to capital gains.

    16. Not That Jane*

      I use Charity Navigator to vet possible charities – I like their breakdown of various criteria for evaluation.

      My family sits down together every year and reviews what our values are (eg sustainability, democratic engagement, racial and gender equity) and then decides which organizations will further those values. Then we allocate money to organizations based on our budget for donating that year. In the past we’ve given to organizations working on climate change, biodiversity, women’s rights, voting rights, immigration law, LGBTQ+ causes, a local college that operates within a state prison, local food banks, disaster aid, international medical charities such as Deworm the World, mosquito nets, etc. etc. etc.

      I keep records of which charities we’ve donated to throughout the year, both for tax purposes and to revisit the list the following year & maybe donate to the same orgs again.

      One of the values we try to hold here is maximum impact (hence the mosquito nets – lots of benefit for not too much cash). Therefore we also leverage any gift matching that we possibly can by donating on Giving Tuesday and/or on any gift matching days throughout the year. We also take advantage of employer gift matching. Most years, we are able to double or even triple our effective giving impact by doing it this way.

      And yes, we get some appeals for money afterwards, but that’s what my recycle bin is for. I either know that I will donate to that organization again (in which case I can ignore the appeal), or I won’t (in which case I can ignore the appeal).

    17. My Brain is Exploding*

      One thing that works for us for some of our donations is to give through our church. Our church accepts “designated offerings,” so you can earmark that the offering is for the food pantry or the mission or other things we’d like to give money to. Still get the tax donation receipt and do not get extra appeals from the organizations sent to us.

    18. Observer*

      Also, which charity checker site(s) do you recommend? The only one I know of is Charity Navigator and I don’t know how reliable it is.

      Your best bet is if you can find charities that people you know, know about / work with, and can vet that they do good work in a cost effective way.

      Three things to keep in mind:

      Cost effective does not necessarily mean cheapest or lowest “overhead”. And in fact, frequently if the “overhead” number is REALLY low, it means that the organization is wasting money in various ways – things take too long to do because the support / appropriate equipment is not available; the infrastructure doesn’t allow for good planning, budgeting and monitoring of expenses; specialist staff is spending time on administrative tasks that could be more effectively done by paid admins etc.

      Another thing to keep in mind is that the overall score given by these rating agencies is not as useful as breaking out the specific issues that they see. This is for a number of reasons. Sometimes the issue is that some of the components of the score are rather arbitrary. Sometimes the components make sense in some contexts but not in others. One common example I have seen is how much is a reasonable amount of overhead. Now, assuming that the rating organization has an actually reasonable level and definition of overhead, there are still situation where that doesn’t work. Like, organizations that provide most of their services through volunteers are going to have *extremely* high overhead percentages of their total budget. And that’s actually very reasonable for *those* kinds of organizations, because the only portion of their salary base (which is usually the largest proportion of an organization’s budget) that is actually in their budget is “overhead” – ie the people who coordinate all of it.

    19. MJ*

      Your individual donation ON ITS OWN may not make a huge difference, but as I tell many of our donors who have the same concern, when you add up all the $20, $25 & $50 donations we receive, they help feed thousands of kids!!

      If all those small donors stopped because they didn’t make a big difference, a lot more kids would be hungry at school and less able to learn.

      In Canada we have several organizations (CanadaHelps.org is one) that will accept donations (and provide you with a tax receipt), then pass the funds on anonymously to the charity of your choice. There may be similar organizations in the USA and other countries. If you don’t need a tax receipt, you can send a money order with your contact details to the charity.

  44. I didn't say banana*

    yep, any oil will do with a good scrub. lots of adhesive removers you buy are just scented oil (including goo gone which is orange oil).

  45. Boggle*

    I don’t go to NYC that often anymore, the last time I went I wanted to do something different and found The International Center for Photography: https://www.icp.org/ that had an exhibit of Weegee photographs of NYC in the 50’s. Their upcoming exhibitions look interesting but don’t open again until September 26th, you should be fine for November. The museum itself is smallish so would not take too long to walk through.

    ICP’s Address
    79 Essex Street, New York, NY 10002
    between Delancey Street and Broome Street

  46. fposte*

    For the first time in my life, I woke up early to watch a sporting event. It was the Paralympic gold medal contest in women’s wheelchair basketball, U.S. vs. Netherlands, and it was a great game. There’s something about the technical limitations that makes it a more interesting sport to me than bipedal basketball, and the athleticism on display was amazing.

      1. fposte*

        I need to sit and watch boccia for a bit; it didn’t grab me in clips but some sports don’t translate well that way. It is mindblowingly precise, though,

        1. Reba*

          I got really interested in the classes with the assistive ramps — these people are both athletes AND physics geniuses.

    2. Ali + Nino*

      Obviously not the same thing but iirc a while ago (like about 15 years ago?) MTV I think made a documentary about a sport called Murderball – you might find it interesting! the documentary discusses both the sport itself and the players’ personal, life-changing experiences with paralysis.

      1. Nightengale*

        Closer to 20. . . I heard one of the commentators say during one of the US paralympics quad rugby games that several of the current players got into the sport after watching Murderball. And then I remembered how long ago it was I saw the movie. . .

    3. Nightengale*

      I spent most of the weekend watching the Paralympics. I don’t follow any sports, at all. I get this vague sense of “the object is to be faster” or the “object is to get more goals” and no nuance beyond that.

      But as a disabled person I have been saying for years I am boycotting the Olympics until the Paralympics get media parity. Even though I probably wouldn’t watch the Olympics anyway. So then when I can find Paralympics on TV I feel like I have to watch them to keep up my end of the boycott. This year was definitely many steps up (hah) from the year we got a single hour retrospective on a Sunday at 3 PM.

  47. Elizabeth West*

    Favorite YouTube shows or channels! Discuss!

    I’ve been watching lots of Mary Trump Media, Politics Girl, and Robert Reich for obvious reasons. Tasting History and SciShow are fun and informative. I like Townsends and a channel called Early American (it’s a couple in Missouri who live in a tiny cabin like they’re in 1820).

    And I just found this channel called Midwest Magic Cleaning, where this autistic guy who apparently used to have a cleaning business goes into very messy or hoarded homes and cleans them for free. The videos are in fast motion and he narrates them. He’s very funny — he’ll be talking about cleaning products and then start riffing on something in a very dad-jokey goofball manner.

    I also listen to ASMR stuff before bed nearly every night. There are too many to list.

    1. Wordnerd*

      I’m not sure what exactly you’re looking for, but I can usually recommend Defunctland to anyone with even a passing interest in amusement parks or Disney history or really just history.
      Early vids are very basic “here’s this ride that doesn’t exist anymore” but more recent stuff goes Deep. The video titled “Disney Channel’s Theme: A History Mystery” appears to just be answering that question, but in 90 minutes it also tackles “what does your legacy mean?” and “what does it mean to be an artist?”
      The writer behind the channel has a great, dry sense of humor and a really amazing dedication to his craft. Other recs on the channel include “Disney’s FastPass: A Complicated History” and “The History of Coney Island”.
      The whole third “season” is great, culminating in a musical/visual avant garde representation of Epcot Center.
      If there’s any youtube channel that is basically better than it has any right to be, it’s this one.

    2. Zweisatz*

      The Taskmaster channel uploads full episodes for free. So TV-grade production value of a funny show. I like UK and Australia best.

      1. Strive to Excel*

        I’d definitely watch it on headphones or with no younger folks around! Lots of 18+ language.

    4. Strive to Excel*

      NileRed! Absolutely fascinating chemistry work, and a really good lesson in a) things don’t usually work out the first way you expect and b) patience and trial and error are really important in science.

    5. Still*

      Elizabeth! I was curious about the Midwest Magic Cleaning so I put on one of the videos to relax before bed and accidentally fell into a 1.5-hours-long cleaning spree, including cleaning behind my stove and fridge. I call sorcery.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I love to watch hoarding cleans because I’m a little pack-ratty and they scare me, frankly.

        LOL he did it to me too! After I watched like two hours of it, I got up and got the extra can of foam that maintenance left me and went under every one of the registers, and I closed up all the bits they missed. The mouse that was in here is gone (I caught him Friday). I felt safe enough to put my pans back underneath the stove and folded all my laundry that isn’t hanging up (I like to do it on Sunday morning around 8 am bc there is no one in the laundry room then).

    6. 653-CXK*

      Joce Bedard is a good one. She’s a Canadian actress who does reaction videos…her videos are sometimes laugh-out-loud funny (especially the shorts).

      I’m a railroad buff, so two channels are good: 1) Retired Railfan Horn Guy, who is based out of Long Island, NY. His videos have made me want to do a trip on every single branch of the LIRR and get into the business of taking train videos. 2) AmtrakGuy365, who does history videos of Amtrak.

  48. Fluffernutter*

    I know there are cat lovers here so has anyone dealt with fleas? I vacuumed every single room and all crevices/soft surfaces, sprayed flea treatment on all soft surfaces that can’t be put in machine (couch, carpet, cat tree), bathed both cats in flea shampoo (twice for my long haired), applied Frontline Plus after both were dry, and laundered all soft things. And I’m STILL finding fleas on my cats!

    I don’t know what to do now. I’d there was an expensive, one-time guaranteed treatment of fleas, I’d gladly pay to end this nightmare. (Also, am I even allowed outside?? Will I infect other spaces?)

    1. YNWA*

      In addition to what you’ve done, completely clean out their box(es). The flea eggs are often found in cat feces and can keep the cycle going. You might also have to put a flea collar on them until everything cleans up on top of the shampoo and Frontline Plus (personally, I prefer Revolution for cats). Also, you should launder your clothes as fleas most likely come in on human clothing from grass.

      1. Sloanicota*

        When it happened to us, my vet told me that sometimes the flea treatments stop working for whatever reason – flea immunity, I guess – so it’s good to rotate/alternate sometimes.

    2. Generic Name*

      There are flea “bombs” you can use, but they’re toxic to animals and humans, and you have to vacate the space until the poison clears. Do your cats go outside? One of my cats came home covered in fleas, so I’d use a flea comb on her every evening when she came in. And this was with a flea collar plus the flea med you put on their head. The flea problem went away when we moved neighborhoods. I think the old neighborhood had a lot more stray animals so there were lots of fleas in the environment. So the fleas might not be originating in your house.

    3. Lifelong student*

      When we were moving my mother out of her apartment, we discovered that there were fleas in it. Her cat was never outside. They probably came in on her shoes. We ended up calling in an exterminator. It took a few hours but the fleas were gone. Don’t know how long they had been there- but there were not just one or two. Bite the bullet and get a professional- then fleas collars etc for the pets. Never had fleas again in her new place so they didn’t move with her.

    4. Sloanicota*

      I had fleas with my indoor cat, weirdly. Even if you do everything right, it just takes some time, because new generations hatch from the eggs. You’re not doing anything “wrong” if they reappear. You have to kill a few generations before you’re done with them, but one day I got there. Definitely do the vacuuming (take the bag outside every time to empty it – I also read you could cut up a flea collar and keep pieces in the vacuum bag to be sure they’re not spreading that way) and keep up the frontline – that makes your cat a death trap for fleas, which is very satisfying – I also ended up shutting one room in the basement off entirely and letting the fleas starve to death before I let anyone else back in there. It was intensely annoying but then all of a sudden it was over. Good luck! Oh – and think about whether mice in the walls or basement might be acting as a vector.

    5. carcinization*

      The one time that my indoor cats got fleas and therefore our house got fleas (it was when we had a dog, and his flea preventative had stopped working so we had to switch to a new medication for him), we used Borax on the carpets and other soft cloth surfaces (couches, etc.), and we never had that problem again. You’d probably need to look the details up online, there was some specific timeline with instructions for vacuuming, but I was so glad it worked. For killing the fleas on an animal (doesn’t work with eggs, just the hatched ones), there’s a pill called Capstar you can get, as well. But this is one of the reasons that I love Borax and always keep it around.

    6. Morning Reader*

      I recall looking up the time for the eggs to hatch and repeating everything before that. (2 or 3 days? Check don’t trust me on that.) the treatments don’t get the eggs so you have to do it again when they hatch. Not on the cats just everything else. Then combing the cats daily or more. After treating the cats you might try confining them to a room with little or no fabric while you use diatomaceous soil on the rest of the house. Be careful with that and make sure it’s all been removed before they come out again.
      I think this time of year can be a peak for outside fleas. Maybe try leaving your pants, shoes and socks, outside before you come in, until there’s a hard freeze.

    7. Yikes Stripes*

      In my experience flea collars don’t work and can actively cause chemical burns on cats. Best steer clear.

      The treatments that have worked for me are Revolution Plus (applied monthly) and Bravecto (applied every three months). As a general rule the RX meds have gotten rid of the fleas in a way that Frontline has not.

    8. Shiny Penny*

      Here’s a thing I was told about Frontline Plus: it should be applied three days after their last bath. And then they should stay as dry as possible for the next three days. Apparently it travels over the body via existing skin oils, but bathing first removes the oil, so then the Frontline doesn’t coat the body as intended. I’ve used it on my dogs forever, and I think I may have learned that info when I called their 1-800 helpline to clarify an expiration date at some point.

      The Frontline Plus has worked sufficiently in our situation, possibly because my current dog never goes anywhere but our yard and the streets immediately adjacent (his choice over the last 10 years). The local fleas mainly cycle through wild animals, and thus don’t have routine heavy exposure to the frontline chemical.

      Capstar is a pill that will quickly kill every live flea on the animal, but there is zero residual protection (and it’s expensive). I have always heard it’s a really safe option healthwise, though.

      Doubling up on multiple chemicals and multiple delivery systems is something that I would personally avoid, unless I was given explicit instructions by a vet. It’s one thing to have a flea collar in the vacuum bag, but exposing an animal to a flea bath, and then also a topical treatment, and then also putting a flea collar on it would feel really risky to me. You might check in with your vet tomorrow?

      I had good luck using borax back in the day, when a batch of kittens was dumped off near my yard. I can also recommend a shallow tray of slightly soapy water on the floor, with a lamp set low over it. The fleas jump for the light/heat, fall in the water and drown. Or you can buy the commercial version off Amazon, that has a little light bulb over a sticky-trap board— if you don’t want to deal with the headache of avoiding potential electrocutions!

      I was also able to buy a spray for the floor/furniture/environment that prevents the fleas from maturing into their bloodsucking adult form. At the time it was considered extremely safe because it is not an insecticide? I used that in my mom’s house at one point and it ended their problem.

      Hope some of that might be helpful. Lots of sympathy to you! Flea infestations can really induce a lot of misery and panic, but remember it’s not actually a life or death situation for a well-kept pet (or human). It’s not an emergency, it’s just a big giant hassle!

  49. Bluebell Brenham*

    Looking for some perspective on whether or not I should rescue a flailing book club.
    For the past 7 years, I’ve been part of an interfaith book club and enjoyed it. Post Covid, energy seems to be flagging, and I have taken on more volunteer responsibilities as a few people left. I wrote about this on a weekend thread last winter, and the consensus seemed to be step back and ask for help. Last spring after no one else had stepped up to send out announcements and maintain the book list, the compromise was that we would return, but during our last spring meeting before break, no one volunteered for the September meeting. Now we are less than two weeks from that meeting, and I’m resisting the urge to send out a notice. This is made more tricky by the fact that I’m really busy in September, and the October meeting technically should be rescheduled because it conflicts with a religious holiday. One option I’m thinking is to send out an email “saying see you all in November” and see what people do. I would be a little sad if this group disbanded, but it’s been frustrating for almost a year. We recruited 2 new members last spring but unfortunately they haven’t sent emails to check in. Any thoughts about where to go from here?

    1. Rick Tq*

      Let the club disband, you seem to be the only one who is interested in it continuing, even the new members aren’t as committed as you seem to be.

    2. Weekend Warrior*

      Sometimes groups just run their natural course and that’s OK. If you get satisfaction from the group and want it to continue, doing the heavy lifting might be worthwhile. But it does sound like it might be time to move on. Since it’s been such a long-standing group, would it feel good to celebrate its history and wind it up a bit “officially”? Fading out your role is also a way to go but positive closure could feel good. Could be as simple as an email noting some highlights of the group and wishing everyone well, along with a list of books read.

      1. Still*

        I like the idea of doing something a bit more formal, like an email, to say goodbye, rather than just fade.

        It could also give someone the needed kick in the butt to step up when they see that the club really is going to disband otherwise. I wouldn’t hold my breath, but that would really show you black on white if anyone else is willing to fight for the club to keep going.

      2. Bluebell Brenham*

        The complicated part is that I think I’d maybe want to be part of it if I wasn’t maintaining the email inbox, sending notifications, and tracking the booklist. Plus I’ve been doing lots of book screening. This group has been around for about 15 years, and about half of the members have been there longer than I have.

    3. Generic Name*

      No one volunteered for the September meeting. I assume you also did not volunteer? Unless you want to single handedly do everything (and it sounds like you don’t), I would continue to resist the urge to step up to fill in the gap left by everyone else. It’s okay to feel sad when something you enjoyed comes to an end. Allow yourself to grieve a little bit. Maybe find another book club that has active members and maybe a bit of a formalized structure where the whole thing doesn’t rest on one person’s shoulders.

    4. Book Wyvern*

      Is it possible that the group is “right”, but the meeting format or purpose is “wrong”?

      If you wanted a different attempt at salvaging the meeting group, could you have a one-last-get-together or email a poll to see if another reason would be motivating for folks to continue or if they’re just ready to let it go?

      I read of one woman that reinvigorated the declining interest of their book club by changing the format. Instead of everyone reading the same book and discussing, members brought the book they were currently reading, provided a summary and read the first little bit (paragraph, page?) aloud. It let book lovers hear about many new books they might not have found otherwise and I imagine gave them a lot more to talk about (and physically pass many books around).

      Good luck, whatever path you take!

      1. Ali + Nino*

        Ooh, mad respect for that woman switching things up!
        I agree that you’ll likely benefit from some flexible thinking about what this book club could or should be, and how it will best move forward.
        Honestly, if you like the people in the book club – maybe you can find other ways to connect with them, perhaps one on one or on smaller groups. if you’re more married to the idea of a book club, maybe you could join an existing book club (eg one held by the local public library) to get your fix that way. I love reading, it’s one of my few enduring hobbies, but I realized I don’t enjoy following other people’s suggestions, and in terms of the stage of life I’m in ATM it’s really hard to add more commitments. Don’t take other people’s apparent disinterest personally bc there can be a lot of different factors behind the scenes.

        1. Bluebell Brenham*

          Thanks for this, I do like quite a few of the people in the group, and some of them I never would’ve connected with in other ways. we are part of a national network of similar groups, and I get the feeling that there are standard rules. I don’t really feel like I want to do the “how can we rethink the rules to make this work?” That still puts me in the position of leading things. I’m really really hoping that one of the women who has been in the book club for over 10 years might come up with some ideas and future ways forward.

          1. Sloanicota*

            I think if it were me, I’d invite everyone, or just the subset of people I really clicked with, out to dinner or drinks so we can just talk about what we’re reading (and use my trick of pre-planning at least one person who is definitely committed to coming, so then if nobody else makes it at least there’s me and my friend getting drinks, also a win). If it’s really fun, I might do that regularly, maybe not monthly on a schedule but perhaps quarterly. But I can’t be the only one doing the ‘organizing’ of a book club if nobody else cares enough to do it.

  50. YNWA*

    I spent five years trying to maintain a Steampunk book club and it was so frustrating! No one read, very few liked the place we met or the time we met or the day we met, and by the end everyone was putting pressure on me to change everything up and I just stopped doing it altogether. I would ask for suggestions and it’d be crickets. It was insanely time consuming and there was very little benefit.

    I’ve been in a few other book clubs and they all seem to run their course in about 4 years. People’s priorities change.

  51. Might Be Spam*

    Eyeglass prescription question here. I have a pair of Colonial reproduction eyeglasses that need new lenses. The lenses are round and pretty small, and currently have bifocal (not transition) lenses.

    I will need to be able to read with them on and don’t want to take them off for walking around because I Will lose them. I don’t need glasses for walking around, just driving and reading. The near vision could be either for book or computer use.

    What would be the best kind to get? Stick with bifocals, transition with no prescription on top and readers on the bottom or transition with both distance and near vision? If I absolutely have to, I could possibly slide them down my nose a bit and look over them, but it might be uncomfortable.

    1. RagingADHD*

      Transitions seem work better with a fairly large lens. I think transitioning from distance to readers in a small lens would be hard to acclimate to.

    2. LuckySophia*

      Not sure if this will work for you, but my eye doc’s solution for my nearsighted/astigmatic self was to give me 2 pair of glasses:
      — Pair 1: focal length geared to distance between my face and my computer screen (I work on a computer all day)
      — Pair 2: Bifocals (not transition)..top half gives me 20/20 distance vision for driving; bottom half lets me read the dashboard or a map…. or a menu if I’ve driven somewhere to meet a friend for lunch, ( I also use the bifocals at home…use the top half to watch tv across the room at the same time I’m using the bottom half to read a book in my lap.

      It’s a little inconvenient to have 2 pair of glasses …but worth it in terms of having really good vision for all my different tasks. If I’m just walking around the house I don’t wear any glasses at all.

    3. MissCoco*

      Progressive lenses (commonly called transition, but that also refers to a lens that changes colors) do need a bit of space in the lens, an optician can vote on if your lenses are too small for a comfy large reading area. To be historically accurate you can get an executive bifocal which was the Ben Franklin design!
      Setting the near add to be appropriate for dashboard/computer may make a progressive work in a smaller lens. I would do that over no distance Rx so you won’t need a separate pair of specs for the car
      As an optometrist, I rarely push people into progressives if they are happy in a bifocal though, because a bifocal has that large, easy to find reading area, and aside from cosmetic concerns or needing reading *and* intermediate correction (which it sounds like you may not), progressives aren’t any better at what they do.

      1. Might Be Spam*

        The glasses were a gift from a reenactor and not my prescription. I use progressive lenses normally. Will it be hard to go back and forth?

        My goal is to use them for colonial era reenactments. I need to be able to read my notes for announcements and still be able to dance without tripping over my partner.

        Thanks for the tip on Ben Franklin’s executive bifocals. Nice information to share when we do our “fashion” shows. Do you have any suggestions on where to get them made for my frame?

    4. Girasol*

      Whatever your decision, you might consider a lined bifocal instead of transitions. There’s no lens space wasted on something that isn’t quite near vision and isn’t quite distance either. They take a few days to get used to but then you never notice the line. With small lenses you might find that lines work better.

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