am I too old-fashioned about how I schedule calls, feedback said my enthusiasm can seem too aggressive, and more

by Alison Green on October 17, 2024

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Am I being too old-fashioned about how I schedule calls?

I work for a mid-sized media company. My job includes emailing people outside of the office to set up a time for me to interview them for content that I write. I keep an old-fashioned paper calendar, and I prefer phone calls over Zoom or Teams.

Increasingly, I’m asked to send a “calendar invite,” or if the interview will take place over Zoom or Teams. I don’t understand why Zoom or Teams is preferable to the phone; personally I don’t want the added stress of having to fiddle with technology. Also, my transcription program works best off a phone call. Is it okay for me to say that I won’t be sending a calendar invite, and that I prefer a phone call? So far, I’ve gotten my way, but I’m worried that I sound rude, stubborn and old-fashioned. Or should I give in?

Start sending calendar invites. You’re asking people to do something for you, and you should make it easy for them to do; since a lot of people have told you they want calendar invites, send the invites. They’re asking you to do it because it will save them time, and it’s in your interests to have it on their calendar. You can continue using your paper calendar to track your own stuff.

But it’s fine to keep using the phone. People are asking if it’s Zoom or Teams because so many work calls these days are, but that doesn’t mean they care if it’s not. They also might be asking so they can be prepared if you’re planning on video. It’s fine to say, “It won’t be Zoom or Teams; I’ll just give you a call on your regular number then.” Alternately, it would also be fine to say, “My transcription program works best off a phone call, so I’ll call you at (fill in number) then.”

2. Expecting presidential candidates to release medical records

I’m a (long-time) UK reader. It’s been in the news over here that Kamala Harris has released her medical records and that there’s a lot of criticism for Trump that he is refusing to release his.

Leaving aside the particulars of these two candidates, as a UK reader the expectation to release private medical records to prove you’re fit for a job seems … problematic at best? It’s not something that we would ever expect of our political leaders. I’ve been wondering how it impacts others in the workplace — say if one of them was diabetic or needed ADHD medication to be at their best, could that lead to the average person being judged for the same? Even though that wouldn’t be legal. Would the same be expected for a CEO of a massive multinational? And what about Supreme Court judges? The list goes on.

I’m really curious what you/your readers think about this practice in general (again, leaving aside the particulars of these two candidates as no one needs that in the comments!) and whether it has any impact on the average person.

It’s a practice specific to presidential candidates; it’s not something that’s expected outside of that one very specific situation.

Presidential candidates aren’t required by law to disclose their health information, but modern day candidates — until Trump — have done so anyway. The idea is to assure voters that they don’t have significant health problems that could interfere with their ability to carry out the responsibilities of the office or to serve a full term. The tradition started after questions were raised about whether Ronald Reagan’s Alzheimer’s had begun affecting him while he was still in office. (Of course, earlier history is full of examples of candidates and presidents who didn’t disclose medical information, like John F. Kennedy and, famously, FDR.)

Given the uniquely consequential responsibilities of the job, I’m fine with the practice. That said, disclosure should be restricted to factors likely to affect a candidate’s judgment or longevity in the role. Dementia is relevant; a Valtrex prescription is not.

3. Anonymous feedback said my enthusiasm can seem too aggressive

I recently received feedback in a performance evaluation (from an anonymous source) that my enthusiasm is great but can be taken as aggressive by coworkers and I need to be mindful of how others perceive me.

This has been puzzling to me because I am not someone who speaks up very much at all and when I do, I make an effort to be kind and clear in my communication. I rarely speak up in meetings and, if I do, it’s through chat. My interaction with coworkers is strictly through Slack and Zoom chat. Those interactions consist of asking questions to management, providing feedback to management (which they have thanked me for and made changes), or notifying coworkers that a customer reached out for them. These communications are through direct messages, not in the meetings, and it is mostly when asked unless I see a problem that is not being addressed that I feel they should be aware of. Sometimes I participate in team-building activities with my camera on and speak up but barely.

I use a lot of exclamation marks? I’m very puzzled by this feedback. What are your thoughts? Is this something I need to work on?

Anonymous feedback without any contextualizing by your boss is pretty useless. Did your boss indicate whether she also sees this as a concern? Or is she just passing along something she hasn’t personally seen without knowing if there’s any merit to it? If the latter, this could be one weird outlier person who doesn’t represent anyone else, and it could be feedback that’s nonsensical, baseless, or simply not worth acting on.

So can you go back to your boss and ask for her perspective? Say you took the feedback seriously but can’t figure out what it’s stemming from, and if changes are needed you can’t make them without understanding what’s happening, and ask for a couple of examples of where you’re coming across as aggressive.

4. My company wants me to share its posts on my personal LinkedIn

I have been at my job for two years in a junior role. Our senior management team is a huge fan of using LinkedIn to connect with clients. In particular, one member of that team will often share links to LinkedIn posts in my department’s Slack channel asking us to like, comment, and reshare with our network. They have also encouraged us, in business strategy meetings, to leverage our personal LinkedIn accounts to build our own “personal brand,” as well as promote the company.

Although I have an account, I despise LinkedIn, and mostly keep my profile up in case I need it for any future job searches or networking. I also am not a big poster on social media in general — I probably post on my personal Instagram account four times a year, and that is the only social media account I actively post on.

I don’t mind liking or commenting on company posts if asked, but I really don’t want to reshare posts onto my personal account, especially since I very rarely post any of my own content. Perhaps complicating things further, this job is in an industry that I don’t see myself in long-term (although nobody there knows this), so I don’t particularly want to build a huge LinkedIn presence in this industry.

I’ve mostly managed to fly under the radar with this, but there have been a couple times recently where this manager has mentioned me by name when asking people to reshare the post. Is there a graceful way to opt out of using my personal LinkedIn account for my company’s business purposes?

There are some industries where LinkedIn is so inherently a part of the work that it would be unreasonable to refuse to do this (for example, recruiting, some forms of PR, or LinkedIn itself). But assuming you’re not in one of them, they’re welcome to ask people to share posts, but you should be able to decline. That’s your social media, not theirs.

The easiest way to deal with it is to just keep ignoring it. If you’re mentioned by name when the request is made, nod and make a note on your to-do list and then … just don’t. If you’re directly asked about it in a more serious way, feel free to say you never use LinkedIn or even that you haven’t been able to log in the account recently.

5. When a business contact dies mid-project

In my job, I’m often the only connecting point between organizations — a combination of my clients, colleagues, vendors, regional stakeholders, etc. Recently, a project missed its deadline because I couldn’t get ahold of my contact, John, at a regular vendor, Acme. He had known we would need to be in heavy communication in the runup to a Friday deadline, but he stopped responding to emails or answering phone calls on Thursday, and we couldn’t finish the project without his input.

Over the weekend, I happened to get dinner with a friend who used to work at Acme. I mentioned that we’d blown a deadline, and that it was really unlike Acme to leave us hanging. My friend asked who I had been working with, and when I told her, she told me John had died on Wednesday night! She’d only heard about it that morning, and it sounded like it had been very unexpected and, understandably, things were chaotic at Acme in the wake of things.

I spent Sunday stressing about how to reach out to Acme. I worked with John a few times a year, and we weren’t close, but I respected him and was sad to hear the news. I could imagine that this has been really hard on Acme’s team, and wanted to express my condolences. But I also had my client and other stakeholders breathing down my neck to get the project done, and I was unsure what to say to them in the meantime. John was a department head, so I wasn’t really sure who to reach out to, either. Luckily, my friend had sent some of her old Acme contacts a heads-up, so someone reached out to me first thing Monday morning with an explanation, an apology to send to my client, and a new point of contact. I was able to just respond with condolences and thank them for their help.

But if I’m ever in this situation again, what’s the etiquette around someone’s death? Is there a script for when and how to reach out after hearing the news? Who do the messages go to? And if I hear that someone has died, is it fair to discreetly share that with someone like my client, as an explanation for the delay?

It would be fine to reach out to any other contact you have there and say something like, “I was so very sorry to hear about John. He was (insert something personal here about what you valued about John/the relationship, if possible). He was working on X for me; when we missed the deadline Friday, I hadn’t known what had happened, but now of course I understand. I’m so sorry to bother you with this right now, but when you’re able, would you let me know who I should be in touch with about the project? I understand it may take some time to sort out.” Depending on the context, you could add that if they’d like you to look for non-Acme resources for completing the work so they have time to sort out what will happen from here, you can do that.

It’s fair to share the situation with your client; most people will be a lot more understanding of delays in a situation like this than if they’re left in the dark.

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{ 39 comments }

{ 39 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Clementine*

    There’s a reason Zoom, Meet, etc. are more popular than phone calls. With a phone call, you have to hope to pick it up, and you sit there in anticipation for the phone to ring. With Zoom, you just click in and wait for the person to show up (or join the person that is there).

    There’s no merit in being old-fashioned. If you want to be off-video on a Zoom call, that’s definitely possible, but embrace this new technology that makes timing easier.

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    1. Lurker*

      I’m not really seeing the difference between sitting in anticipation of someone joining a Zoom call and waiting for a pre-scheduled phone call. I schedule calls regularly and don’t have an issue with timing…it works the same was as if you schedule a Zoom meeting.

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      1. Clementine*

        You can click in and go back to work while waiting for the other person to join. There’s no missed call.

        I find it psychologically very different to be awaiting a phone call. They’ll never call at exactly 2:30 PM, for example, so I don’t feel I can step away for even a moment starting at about 2:20 PM. If someone is a few minutes late to a Zoom call, no big deal as I am still working while waiting, but if they are a few minutes late calling, my nerves amp up.

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        1. Ellis Bell*

          This is so interesting, I’ve never considered this! I don’t really have a preference, except I think the technology can involve slightly more set up, especially if you’re on camera, but if someone hasn’t called me by the time the meeting has started, I would just call them? Same deal with if I’m working, or away from my desk, or if I for some reason fail to pick up the phone call, I’d just call them back.

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      2. Worldwalker*

        It’s not about being old-fashioned, or “the added stress of having to fiddle with technology” — I’m getting Bartleby the Scrivener vibes here. I want to meet my co-workers and my outside contacts, and especially someone who’s doing me a favor, where they are, so I use whatever system they want to use. It’s not like any of this is complicated –they all compete by advertising their ease of use.

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    2. Noodles*

      I prefer Zoom/Meet/etc because my phone (and many other people’s phones) will sometimes not ring on unknown numbers. There was a recent AAM post about this, with lots of commenters saying they had this issue—interview calls being marked as spam and not getting through. With Zoom etc I can click the link and know I’m in the right place.

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  2. Clementine*

    I think, if your job is important to you, follow what the senior management suggests and repost those posts. If you drag your feet, you are likely to be seen as not a team player.

    On the other hand, if this reposting is too onerous a burden, I would suggest to look for another job where senior management does not ask for this.

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    1. Worldwalker*

      It’s not that reposting is “too onerous a burden” — it’s a matter of not wanting to use a private resource for the company’s benefit. It’s rather like if the company insisted that employees have to cover their own private cars with signs advertising the company, for no payment, and probably leaving sticky residue behind.

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      1. KateM*

        Yeah, I have been in that situation where it was a requirement by grandboss, and I hated it a lot. In my case, it also meant I had to get that personal car to start with.

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      2. Clementine*

        You can have that opinion, the senior management can have their opinion, and it might be that you’re a mutual mismatch for each other. But if I wanted to keep the job, I would do what the senior management asked.

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        1. Worldwalker*

          So if senior management said they wanted you to spend Sunday afternoon dressed like a duck and quacking around downtown, you’d do that?

          If not, then you wouldn’t do whatever senior management asked.

          There’s a story about a man who asked a society lady if she would sleep with him for a million dollars. She said she would. He then asked if she’d do it for ten dollars. She replied with shock “What kind of woman do you think I am???” He answered “We’ve already determined what kind of woman you are; now we’re just haggling over the price.”

          There is something you wouldn’t do for “senior management.” It might not be spending your Sunday afternoon dressed as a duck … it might be skipping your son’s (or your own) college graduation to do something that isn’t time-critical, or driving an intern to work and back every day, or not visiting a close relative on their deathbed, or something else — whatever is “too far” for you. But whatever it is, there is something that you wouldn’t do.

          So there’s no difference between you and the OP — it’s just haggling about the details.

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        2. Still*

          Eh, I imagine in many jobs this is a preference of the management, not a deal-breaker. It might burn some capital but it’s unlikely that the LW is going to need to job-hunt over this. It might be something worth clarifying with their direct manager, but I think it would be jumping to conclusions to say that the job is a bad match based on just this one factor.

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    2. ChattyDelle*

      I feel VERY strongly that my personal social media is mine. not my company’s. Every company I’ve worked for has a strong stance on “not speaking for the company” to media inquire, etc – in the same vein, I’m not going to appear to have my company speak for me on my social media. Also, having been in customer service in a small town, Ive had customers reach out to me the messenger with questions/issues about their service. I don’t work outside my working hours & ice had to shut that down quickly. I hbave never played my employer on my social media & I. not going to change that practice.

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  3. annsy*

    For OP1, just to share what it’s like on the polar opposite side of calendars & calls: I haven’t had a physical phone at work in years, and literally all of my meetings are on Teams or similar – I haven’t called into a meeting (versus clicking a link to join) in forever! I’m not even certain how to receive a phone call at work – I think it would come through Teams, too, but it… never happens.

    All that to say: this may be the situation for some people you’re trying to schedule with, too, and that could be why they’re expecting invites and Teams calls. It’s so very thoroughly the norm in my world that I would be a little thrown off by (though slightly jealous of) your low-tech approach!

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    1. CL*

      The only people that call my work number are people trying to sell me stuff that I have no budget for. I’ve heard rumors that we’re actually getting rid of work phone numbers next year because no one uses them.

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    2. Clementine*

      Same – my work phone is not even hooked up at my desk, which would mean they’d have to call my personal cell phone.

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    4. Emmy Noether*

      My company has it set up so that phone calls come in through teams (got rid of our desk phones about a year or two ago, kept the phone numbers). It works quite well – it will behave exactly like an unscheduled voice-only teams call, but show a phone number instead of a name (if the person is a contact, it will also show the name).

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  4. Worldwalker*

    Regarding presidential candidates and medical records:

    The US government hinges much more on a single person than a parliamentary system like the UK government does. If a Congresscritter drops dead over the weekend, or a Supreme Court justice, or basically anyone else, it is just a matter of course: these things happen. A president suddenly dying or becoming unable to do their job, on the other hand, really disrupts things. And as Congress has increasingly abnegated their duties, and the whole “Imperial Presidency” thing spins up, this is becoming worse. It doesn’t matter if the president has a bad back or uses a wheelchair, but dropping dead, having a stroke, being an alcoholic, developing dementia (we really have to stop electing elderly presidents), etc., can all disrupt the functioning of the government. Remember, we vote for a person, not a party. Y’all can replace a prime minister at the drop of a hat; it’s all about party, not person. But with a person, we want to know that the candidate we’re voting for isn’t likely to suffer a severe medical issue and be unable to function.

    I suspect people like corporate CEOs have to disclose their medical details to the people who select them — the board of directors for their company, most likely. In the case of presidential candidates, it’s us.

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    1. Dhaskoi*

      Yup.

      One other factor here is that it’s become a thing specifically because trump has made it a thing, but having demanded others do it he refuses to do it himself.

      Regardless of whether you think it’s a good practice in general and regardless of your personal political leanings, it’s an example of trump not meeting a standard he demanded of others. Which is where a lot of the criticism is actually rooted, IMHO.

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    2. The Prettiest Curse*

      We have been replacing our PMs a lot more frequently of late, though historically they have served for relatively long periods of time – Harold Wilson and Margaret Thatcher are two examples from the 20th century. We don’t have term limits for PMs, so you’re in the role till you lose an election and/or your party gets fed up of you.

      We also traditionally haven’t had the role of deputy PM and PMs can still choose whether or not to have one – however, PMs will designate a successor in case of their death in office if they don’t have a deputy. The PM doesn’t decide whether to have a deputy and (if applicable) appoint their deputy till they take office, so you don’t know who it will be until it’s officially announced.

      We have been moving towards giving increasing amounts of power to the PM’s role recently, so we may eventually go in the same direction regarding medical records. Though I think the US is a different case – you invest a lot of your self-image as a country in whoever is president because they have so much power (and because you vote for directly for president), whereas the UK doesn’t go in for that concept as much, though I’m not really sure why.

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    3. flutter by*

      The age thing seems very relevant to me – over the last 20 years, the average new PM was aged 51, while the average new president was 65. That’s a pretty significant difference!

      Reply ↓
  5. KateM*

    For OP#3, I’d like to know what does “a lot of exclamation marks” look like (especially as OP has used non in their post). Every sentence ending with one – or maybe several? I can see how that may feel as “aggressive enthusiasm”.

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    1. Lara's*

      I think this is what the anonymous feedback was referring to. I have a coworker who uses multiple question marks after benign questions and it comes across as urgent and stressful.

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        1. KateM*

          Just trying it out:

          For OP#3, I’d like to know what does “a lot of exclamation marks” look like! Especially as OP has used none in their post! Every sentence ending with one – or maybe several?? I can see how that may feel as “aggressive enthusiasm”!

          I think this is what the anonymous feedback was referring to! I have a coworker who uses multiple question marks after benign questions and it comes across as urgent and stressful!

          Yes! Exclamation points in a work setting should be very rare!

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    2. Ellis Bell*

      This is it, if OP is right about contributing mostly in writing. I can’t think of anything else that could convey both enthusiasm and aggression so well, or so unintentionally. I am kind of fascinated by how differently an exclamation mark is possibly being perceived here, and if OP knows anyone who likes to nerd out over punctuation and written communication, it might be worth getting some feedback on any examples from someone you trust. Or, it’s simply the case that the person read way too much into it.

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  6. bamcheeks*

    LW1, the only thing I’d add about Teams/Zoom vs phones is that my internet connection is reliable, and my data coverage is patchy. Sometimes I have to go and wander around the house to find the right window to stand in front of for a phone call. So I do think being able to flex to a VOIP system of some sort might be helpful for some of your contacts.

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    1. Edwina*

      We have phone software on our laptops to make or receive phone calls using our work numbers. I would really, really not want to give out my personal phone number, and I’m glad I don’t have to. We have an added complication that Teams only works for people inside the company, and for those calls, I think Teams somehow feels easier than the softphone, probably because I can see who’s calling. With the softphone, I can only see the number, not usually the name.

      Also, we are not permitted to be recorded, so it’s good to know ahead of time if someone is planning to use an AI notetaker or to record the meeting, so I can ask them not to.

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  7. ptrish*

    For OP1 – one REALLY helpful thing electronic calendars do is handle time zones automatically. I recently missed an interview when someone converted times in their head and got Mountain and Pacific mixed up.

    FWIW, everywhere I’ve worked in the last ~10 years expects employees to keep their electronic calendars up to date. People just put “Block – personal” or whatever when needed. It’s just not efficient to have to call or email back and forth to set up a meeting time. I definitely agree with Alison that you should start sending invites, but I would go a step further and say you should probably work towards migrating to an electronic calendar.

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    1. Edwina*

      The only tricky part that I’ve run into is when we’re trying to schedule meetings with people at another company (usually a vendor). They can’t see our availability, so we have to give them ranges of times/dates to choose from. I really like it when someone can send me their Calendly link because it shows when they are available, and they can give out different links depending on whether it’s a 30 or 60 minute call.

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  8. jinni*

    LW#2 it’s easier for me to interview over the phone as well. BUT what one found works as a great compromise is to start on video for a greeting and pre interview, then switch off. I’ve switched to software that allows this flexibility as well as recording/transcription. It makes for warmer interactions.

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  9. Workaholic*

    LW4: My company seems out “hey, share us on…” emails now and then. I thought about it for 30 seconds and noped out. 1: I don’t want to irritate friends and family 2: they’re not paying me to do so/paying for my personal phone 3: I really HAD locked myself out of linked in, forgot the password, and didn’t care enough to fix it for 6 years.

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    1. Testing*

      I don’t really get irritating friends and family on LinkedIn, which is per definition a professional social media. I also don’t understand what one’s personal phone has to do with it, you can do it in the browser version.

      My employer is also pushing this hard (but does realise they can only request it, not order it), and I occasionally repost stuff. The only problem is that I’m of course connected to a lot of my colleagues, so my LinkedIn gets flooded by us all doing it.

      I do understand the OP not being that interested considering she is wanting to change sectors. But what you can do is post some stuff now and then quietly delete it a bit before you start looking for a job outside this sector.

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  10. Lisa*

    Im cynical, but $5 says “aggressive” LW3 is female and the feedback provider is male. Too often women are dinged for being assertive and direct when the same from a man would be considered normal or positive.

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    1. Oddmeister...makin' copies*

      In that vein, I’ve personally been accused of sounding aggressive, *especially* when I was careful to make sure my tone was positive and polite.

      I’m not sure why this happens. The best I can come up with is maybe some people’s unfortunate experiences with others have led them to assume all politeness is passive-aggressiveness?

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  11. Decidedly Me*

    LW1 – definitely send a calendar invite! It’s great that using a paper calendar still works for you, but most people don’t use them anymore. Sending an invite ensures it’s on your recipient’s calendar and doesn’t stop you from continuing to use a paper calendar for your own needs. In the invite, you can even put the location as something like “I’ll call you directly at 555-555-5555”, which will solve the other issue if a phone call is needed over a Zoom.

    Reply ↓

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