coworker won’t answer any questions from my boss, “hey girl,” and more

by Alison Green on October 18, 2024

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker won’t answer my boss’s questions

I work for a very small department within a bigger group. I have one coworker (Jane) and a boss (Amanda), and the boss also manages about eight others who are in a bigger department. My role is small and there is not much to do for one person, let alone two. Amanda is a poor manager, but not why I am writing in

Amanda will frequently request meetings or ask other questions to me and Jane via Teams, but Jane only ever responds with a “thumbs up” reaction, even if the question requires a response. Amanda does not acknowledge a thumbs up as a response, which I truly think is because she doesn’t understand it rather than passive aggressively ignoring it. This leaves me to have to respond for us both, which I find frustrating. We don’t share an office, so it’s not easy for me to say, “Oh, Amanda just messaged us. Could you respond for us both” or something.

Similar things will happen when we have a meeting just us three, in that it basically turns into a conversation between me and Amanda with Jane just sitting there. We have had meetings where Jane literally did not say a word. Since then, I will wait to answer a question directed to us both so Jane will speak, but she never will. I have prompted her by saying, “Jane, what do you think?” and then she will say something, but it feels weird to do that every time.

Since I am not her supervisor I don’t feel like I can address this, but I hate it! It makes me feel like I’m working with a ghost. I believe it bothers Amanda too, based on some comments she has made, but she isn’t a good enough boss to address it. Is there anything I can do? Or is this just one of those things I should try to not let bother me?

Yes, this is ultimately on Amanda. But you could say to Jane, “When Amanda sends us questions, I’m usually the one who answers — could you jump in more often so it’s not always on me?” And from there, keep nudging her: when Amanda sends you both questions, if Jane isn’t responding, message her and say, “‘I’m swamped — could you reply to Amanda?”

Also, any chance Jane’s thumbs-up means “I see this and am acknowledging it, and will respond when I am able,” but because you’re jumping in she doesn’t get the chance? It would be interesting to simply wait a few of those times and see if she ever comes back to it. And if she doesn’t, then what happens? If it means no one responds, it might force Amanda to deal with the problem, whereas now she doesn’t need to because she’s getting what she needs from you. (Think of it this way: right now you’re volunteering to do Jane’s share of the work because you’re a conscientious person. That’s allowing Amanda to avoid stepping in. If you stop doing Jane’s share of the work, it’ll be harder for Amanda to avoid.)

You could also say to Amanda at some point, “I’ve noticed that I’m generally the only one answering your questions and I’d like to split the workload more evenly with Jane so I’m going to hang back in the hopes she’ll take more of them.” And who knows, that might start an interesting conversation with Amanda about what’s going on, or at least nudge her to manage the situation more proactively.

2. “Hey girl”

I’m a mid-career professional and am a senior executive at a large global company where I run my own department.

Over the past couple of years I’ve noticed that other women within 10 years of my age (31) in either direction will address me — and each other — very informally via email. Things like, “Hey girl,” “Hi gal,” or even “Thanks girly,” etc. I find this deeply grating. It’s not an issue of gender identity (I’m a cisgender woman and present as such); it’s just annoying and somewhat infantilizing, especially because as a relatively young woman in a senior position, I’d rather not make myself appear younger than I already do.

I understand that this is a friendly signal and a way to create intimacy over email. I’m not a psychopath, I promise: I don’t think corporate communication needs to be dry or dusty. I just despise being addressed as “girl” or “gal” in this manner, especially by people I’m not actually friends with outside of work. I’d simply prefer to be addressed by my name.

I’m struggling to find the words to respectfully convey that I’m not receptive to this form of address without seeming like I’m the absolute worst. The last thing I want to do is come across like I’m policing other people’s language, and I certainly don’t want to destroy any friendly goodwill between my colleagues and I. If these were my subordinates, I’d simply state my preference and move on (and advise them not to address others outside of their name in writing at work, particularly in a gendered way). But because these are people across all levels, external and internal to our company, from other departments, I’m not sure what the best way forward is. Any advice on navigating this?

You could say, “I have a pet peeve about ‘girly’ — just Jane, please!”

But realistically, there will probably be clients or people who are senior to you where you’d be better off just rolling with it, especially if you say that once and it continues. You’ll have to judge it relationship by relationship.

3. My office mate comments on all my phone calls

I share an office with a colleague about whom I could write any number of cringe-inducing AAM letters, but I’ll try to focus on one issue at a time. Whenever I take a phone call, whether work-related or personal, she asks or comments about what I talked about, and it’s driving me insane. Because I’m pregnant, it’s not always feasible to take my calls elsewhere and, logistically, I have to continue sharing an office with her for the foreseeable future.

The content of the call does not matter to her. She always finds something to remark on, and I hate it. It could be a work call in which I let another team know about a mistake they need to correct, and she’ll comment on how they should have seen that already. Or I could call my husband to confirm that we’re meeting for our ultrasound appointment at 10, and she’ll want to know if he goes with me to all of my appointments. I think she’s just trying to establish some kind of rapport with me, but she’s doing the exact opposite.

I’m not on the phone much (a total of about five minutes a day, at most) or discussing anything highly personal or confidential, but I hate having to explain or expand on what I was just talking about to someone who is not (and shouldn’t be) involved. For now, I’ve been trying to give her brief non-answers and put my headphones back on as quickly as possible. But do you have a script I can use to ask her to stop?

“I know we’re sitting right near each other and can overhear things, but would you mind not commenting on my phone calls, and I’ll do the same for you? It’s easier to share space if we have some illusion of privacy, I think.”

4. Hurricane might be delaying interviews

I’m in an area that was mildly affected by Hurricanes Helene and Milton. Think high winds and flooding, but no reported deaths and minimal property damage.

I’ve recently applied to several jobs and while they’ve marked that I’ve been flagged for interview, obviously everyone is more concerned about returning to regular operations after the storm than prioritizing hiring. Is there anything I should do in this situation other than wait? If I’d already spoken to someone directly, I’d probably have sent an email wishing them well and confirming their timeline, but since I haven’t I don’t think I should (especially since flagged for interview might not mean that I’m definitely getting one).

Nah, leave it alone and assume they’ll contact you if they want to move forward at some point. I agree that if you’d already talked to someone, it would make sense to send a short email noting that you realize things might be delayed because of the hurricane but that you hope to talk whenever they’re ready to move forward. But since you haven’t had contact with anyone there yet, treat it like any other situation where you’ve applied and it’s in their court.

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{ 20 comments }

{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Daria grace*

    #2 totally with you on that being grating. If someone started a message to me with some variation on hey girlie my instinctive response would be to assume they’re about to pitch me on an MLM or questionable diet plan. It has very leveraging fake rapport and over enthusiasm for self severing ends vibes.

    It also needlessly genders a particular subset of conversations. I doubt anyone of any gender is opening their emails “hey boy!”

    Reply ↓
    1. lyonite*

      I agree that it’s grating, but I also think it’s not the best hill to die on, particularly with high-level peers or outside clients. If you had a report that was doing this, absolutely shut it down and explain the reasons, but in this case I think it might just be a matter of local/organizational culture, and not worth fighting. (Certainly, I’ve never encountered this, despite working in a fairly casual environment with people in a range of ages.)

      Reply ↓
      1. Spencer Hastings*

        Yeah, definitely not a hill to die on, but definitely annoying.

        I even find it annoying when I get an email that starts with “hi ladies”. It’s not infantilizing like “girls”, but I do think it’s weird. Like, let’s say someone is sending a message to a particular team: if it were me, Alice, and Bob on the team, the salutation would be “hi all” or “hi team” or “hi Alice, Bob, and Spencer”…but if it’s me, Alice, and Claire, then it’s like a switch flips and there needs to be a special salutation for an all-female group? I don’t like it. But, again, it’s not something I would ever say anything about. Just…be the change you want to see, I guess.

        Reply ↓
        1. Missa Brevis*

          The only place I’ve ever seen anyone start an email like that is the Hey Ladies series on The Toast (RIP). This may explain some of why it sets my teeth on edge, actually.

          Reply ↓
        2. KateM*

          I feel the same about “ladies”! And I know that nowadays it means just “women” but not in my native language and I definitely don’t identify as a “lady” (more like a “working-class woman”).

          Reply ↓
    2. MK*

      I am pretty sure plenty of people (probably mostly men) are opening emails to younger men with “bro” or “dude”, and some of these men find it infantilizing and grating too.

      Reply ↓
  2. Missa Brevis*

    Pragmatically I can see that Alison’s advice to OP2 is sensible, that there are going to be times where it’s not worth the political capital to try to change something like this.

    That said, someone in a work context calling me ‘girly’ like that would be full flames on the side of my face intolerable to me. It singes my eyelashes just to think about it. I’ve also never seen anyone, even at my fairly casual employer, use that kind of address. Is this a regional or industry-specific thing I’ve just been fortunate enough to miss?

    Reply ↓
    1. SemiAnon*

      I was also wondering about that – it would be so extremely unusual in the environments I work in that I’d be as shocked as if someone randomly told me to f-off, and I would be offended enough to address it with someone senior to me.

      FWIW, I work in a very male dominated STEM field.

      Reply ↓
  3. TheBunny*

    OP5

    I actually had interviews scheduled for 9-11-2001…that didn’t happen for obvious reasons, even though I’m not in NYC.

    After a few days things came back to normal and meetings for that day were rescheduled, even though they weren’t *technically* ever canceled.

    People, understandably, get a little discombobulated when big things happen to them, I’d chalk it up to this.

    Reply ↓
  4. Marshmallow*

    Growing up, my mom always was a stickler about not calling women “girls”. “They’re not girls, they’re women”. She was born in the 40’s and worked in technical roles in her early years so I’m guessing she had some experiences she didn’t share with her young children. I definitely didn’t understand it as a child and teen, but once I got past maybe 25, I found myself also not wanting to be referred to as “girl”. I’m 40 now and that hasn’t changed. I think it’s interesting that you’re seeing that so much in your professional relationships. I absolutely believe it’s happening, but I’m surprised it’s younger people for you. Where I work, typically, the only hold-overs that use the term girl or girls for the women they work with are the ones nearing retirement. I’ve been fortunate it hasn’t been super widespread. Don’t get wrong… I work in a technical job, there’s still pretty rampant sexism. But that one seemed like it was phasing out.

    Reply ↓
    1. Daria grace*

      Some people talk like that on social media so guessing they’re not realising they shouldn’t bring it into the workplace

      Reply ↓
    2. Beth**

      I went to an all-women’s college in the 1990s and there was a strong cultural norm that all the students there were “women” not “girls”. So to this day I find it weird to refer to females above high school age as “girls”.

      In my current work environments, I can’t imagine it, but I would definitely raise an eyebrow.

      That said, for the OP, if this is common parlance at your employer at various levels etc., it’s going to be extremely difficult to shift that culture, particularly on your own.

      Reply ↓
      1. Missa Brevis*

        I went to a women’s college in the mid-2010s and that was definitely still present in the culture. I can, in fact, still mimic the exact intonation of “this is a women’s college not a girls’ school” that my first year RA used.

        Reply ↓
  5. zenlynx*

    OP1, you said “Amanda is a poor manager, but not why I am writing in.” I think that actually is exactly why you’re writing in. This situation would likely not last under a skilled manager.

    Reply ↓
  6. agender ace*

    Would the response for #2 be the sane if the OP wasn’t cis? I’m female presenting but not super feminine, and not out as nonbinary for safety reasons, and cringing so hard at the response, sigh.

    Reply ↓
    1. Anima*

      I think it probably wouldn’t be, but the letter writer explicitly stated she is cis, so the answer applies to her. And that is what this blog entails – answers to specific questions.

      Reply ↓
    2. Mid*

      I’m non-binary, and relatively out at work (I say relatively because I’m rarely in the office and this isn’t the type of office where people have pronouns in their email signatures or really talk about personal stuff, so it doesn’t come up often, but it’s not a secret either.)

      I, personally, ignore most misgendering of me in the workplace. I rarely actually talk to my coworkers, most of them are far older and some are very conservative, and it’s not worth the energy to me to correct them. This is my personal choice, and I’m not saying it’s the best way to handle it. I just….don’t care that much what a bunch of near strangers call me. I’m at work to get work done. If someone asks me, I’ll let them know my pronouns, but most people don’t ask, and I don’t feel like bringing it up.

      That said, I would respond differently if I felt someone was intentionally misgendering me. (And IYKYK, when you’re trans, you can tell the difference.) Then it would be a conversation, and if it continued, it would go to my manager and HR.

      I think if you aren’t out and don’t want to come out at work, Alison’s advice would be the same—choose if you want to spend your energy and capital on this or not. If you think it’s malicious misgendering, then you escalate, and there are several letters here that discuss dead-naming and misgendering people and how to handle that.

      Reply ↓
  7. Spencer Hastings*

    What’s the relative seniority between LW1 and Jane, I wonder? If I’m on a team of two people and we’re meeting with a boss, then if the other person is more senior, I’d usually expect them to take the lead on answering the boss’s questions, and vice versa if I’m the more senior person. Even if they’re peers and Jane *believes* the LW is more senior, that could explain this.

    Reply ↓
  8. eeeek*

    #3 – I have said the quiet expectation/boundary layout out loud to the person on the phone: “I am not talking with you from a private place, so it may be best if you take the bulk of this conversation by asking me yes/no questions, and do not require me to disclose personal/private information from my end of the line. I do not feel SAFE in this place, conversing with you, if you need me to speak confidentially.” This works well if the person calling understands and can collaborate, of course. But the real point of the message is to convey to the eavesdropper that you are NOT consenting to sharing information. Y/N responses to a provider or scheduler can be a bit tedious, but in my experience, making this statement and providing those answers while staring at the unwelcome participant in the conversation (particularly if they are logging your conversation and will quiz you after) can be quite effective.

    Reply ↓
  9. niknik*

    LW#1:

    So this is a slow job with little to do under a weak, uninvolved manager ? Sounds like Jane is treating it as an easy meal ticket, can’t say i really blame her. Any chance her (non) reactions might be born out of some form of contempt for Amanda ?

    Reply ↓

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