employee is sending risqué photos of himself to his coworkers

by Alison Green on October 7, 2024

A reader writes:

My small company has a very laid-back culture — sometimes too laid-back. A lot of the employees are friends outside of work or follow each other on social media. A team of seven employees sits outside of my office in an open floor plan space. They often talk throughout the day and sometimes I think they forget that I can hear what they are saying.

This afternoon I overheard them talking, when one of them mentioned that an employee who doesn’t work in their department regularly sends naked pictures with animal filters on his private parts. They were talking fairly loudly so I asked, “Are you talking about so-and-so? Who works downstairs?” and they went silent. Nobody denied it and I’m fairly confident I heard correctly.

I don’t know what to do with this information. On one hand, it’s the employee’s private social media account, so if he wants to post naked pictures on there, that’s his prerogative. On the other, if they were looking at the picture in the moment, it leads me to believe that the photo was possibly taken during work time. Do I ask for more details privately, speak to the employee about it, or let it go and hope he’s got more sense than to do it on company time?

I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

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{ 59 comments }

{ 59 comments… read them below }

    1. Miss Chanandler Bong*

      I believe that’s an update to a different letter. This one appears new.

      The fact that it keeps happening though…

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        It is the same. This is, as the footer notes, an old letter revisited.

      2. Slow Gin Lizz*

        The wording has been changed slightly from that letter to what’s in this post, but there are things like, “Are you talking about so-and-so who works downstairs?” in both letters so I think it’s the same letter.

    2. Paint N Drip*

      Thank you for finding the link!!
      Super unsatisfying update for a gossip-hound like me, but such a ‘real’ snapshot of work life that I think it’s a good update to have posted.

      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        OTOH, the update from the boss who told his pregnant employee that she needed different maternity clothes is worth the more mundane one from this OP, isn’t it? Kind of fun to revisit that one (hope that guy has been unemployed with no prospects ever since then).

      2. Ellis Bell*

        It’s so sad that OP felt too untrained and unsupported to simply say what her impressions were and trust the company to be able to handle it.

    3. Lady Danbury*

      The first update in that link (maternity clothes) is shocking but somehow not. Because sexism in the mundane can be the tip of the iceberg for much more horrifying sexism/misogyny.

      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        That letter was SO appalling when it came in. I remember the commentariat going nuts over what a [bad word] that boss was. So glad he got fired but real mad at all the shenanigans he’d been pulling while at that job.

    4. 888 Pocomo*

      I remember reading this the first time through, and I again am having a chuckle over the “should be belted” part.

    5. Pastor Petty Labelle*

      If its the same letter and she is HR, she really needed to speak up.

      The wording of sending nude pics made me think even if it is private social media he is sending them to coworkers, which is so so so wrong. As HR, OP definitely had standing to address it. HR has a duty to make sure employees are not receiving nude pictures of their fellow coworkers.

      1. darsynia*

        Yeah, there’s no expiration date on ‘someone’s sending slightly obscured nudes to coworkers.’ They *might* be able to swing ‘I waited a month or so to see if I heard anything else, to gauge frequency’ but this is very important to speak up on, topical/timing shouldn’t factor in!

    6. Gustavo*

      WOW, LW is extremely negligent here by not taking action. There will be something down the line eventually when this blows up and honestly, LW just put themselves right in the middle of being named as a part of this (and in a way that implies they are complicit). They are saying they work in HR and yet are allowing a male employee to send photos of his genitals to his female coworkers. Do better LW!!

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        And are shocked, SHOCKED when their captive female audience isn’t enchanted by their wit.

  3. BellaStella*

    Gah. Why oh why do people so this? As noted on the advice this is a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen.

  4. Caramel & Cheddar*

    “On one hand, it’s the employee’s private social media account, so if he wants to post naked pictures on there, that’s his prerogative.”

    Sure, he can post like that, but the point is you said he was sending the photos, which means this part really doesn’t matter. Is he DMing them to his colleagues on Instagram? Is he emailing them to people’s work emails? Posting them in the company Slack? What does “sending” them actually mean here?

    Here I thought adding colleagues on Instagram was a relatively safe choice compared to other social media sites, but apparently I’m very, very wrong.

    1. ariel*

      The original post notes that the app is Snapchat, which does seem like it would be a “popular” choice for animal junk pics but…. yeah, I don’t add colleagues on social media until I’ve determined we’re friends and they won’t be creeps!

      1. Caramel & Cheddar*

        Oh yes, Snapchat definitely seems more prone to that sort of thing. I honestly forgot it exists, but I’m probably also not its target demographic.

    2. Strive to Excel*

      Reason #403 why adding colleagues you are not actually friends with on social media is a Bad Idea!

      2. Heart&Vine*

        I NEVER add my colleagues as friends on social media EVER. Even if they leave the company I still hesitate to friend them because who knows what relationships they’re maintaining at my workplace. Not that I’m posting pics of my junk but still… an old room mate from college might comment on my post about that night we got drunk and defaced property or something. It’s just not worth the risk.

    1. Hlao-roo*

      There’s a link to report “an ad, tech, or typo issue” above the commenting box. I think this counts as a “tech issue.” It’ll get addressed much faster when reported through that link than when posted as a comment.

      And just as a datapoint, the link worked for me (I’m using Edge on a PC).

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Hmmm, it’s working for me (and others, it appears). Any chance you’re outside the US? I saw someone say recently some of the Inc links were giving non-US readers trouble and if that’s the case, I want to report it to Inc.

      2. Laura Jane*

        I’m in the UK and all your Inc. links fail to load for me – the page begins to load and I see it briefly, then it resolves to a page that says “Sorry, something went wrong. We’re sorry for any inconvenience. We can’t find the page you’re looking for.” The URL remains the one you linked, but the page contents will not display.

        1. Troubadour*

          I’m in New Zealand and also get a 404 on this one (and I think one from last week but previously they’d worked fine).

          1. Gathering Moss*

            Yeah, another Aussie here, and getting the same – the links have previously worked fine for me.

          2. Zeus*

            Ditto here, it redirects to Inc Australia and says 404 not found. I noticed it happening when going through old posts and thought they had just expired on the Inc website – now I’m guessing it’s my location.

  6. Somehow I Manage*

    I’m not super savvy with Snapchat, but I think there’s a bit of a difference between sending someone a Snap and posting to your account. But…taking the LW at their word since they said “send” I think this makes it a little more difficult. This is not victim shaming, but if people have added Kevin, they need to not be checking Snapchat during work. That’s not something that needs to be seen at work, during work hours. If they want to witness his animal filters outside of work, that’s their prerogative to an extent. But Kevin needs to be talked to as well. First, because he can’t be taking/sending these during work, if he is. And second, he needs to understand that the stuff he’s posting, albeit on personal social media available to people who have opted in to a “relationship” with him there may not be opting in to seeing his nearly naked parts. Especially because he’s connected with coworkers, he needs to be thoughtful about what he’s sending, to whom, and when.

    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      “First, because he can’t be taking/sending these during work, if he is.”

      The letter was from 2019 and involved a workplace where everyone was in the same physical space, but now I’m wondering how this might be different in 2024 vis-a-vis that letter a few weeks ago about having sex at lunch when you work from home. If he’s just taking the photos and posting them to his account, but not sending them to his colleagues, can he reasonably do that on his lunch break if he’s at home? These are things I never would have thought about five years ago.

      1. Anon Attorney*

        I feel like the unspoken rule is you can’t do that in your physical office space or with work-related equipment (laptop, documents) in the photo. But you can do it while working remotely on a break. I think the general idea is much like kinks – you’re allowed to have them, but don’t bring the workplace into it because no one at work or your company consented to that.

    2. Anon Attorney*

      Yes, even if he wasn’t actively “sending” them specifically to coworkers, he had settings where his coworkers receive the updates he posts containing nudes. That definitely involves a sitdown where he’s told to not add coworkers to that account!

    3. Ellis Bell*

      I really don’t think the type of app matters, and I don’t think it matters when the coworkers are checking the app either. The issue is that he’s sending colleagues naked pictures; it doesn’t matter when they get around to looking at them. I mean, I’m sure I’m not the only woman to have experienced sexual harassment at work and it’s not any more acceptable if you only get the messages from clueless dude at 1am (though some people surely do seem to believe that’s “not work connected”). I don’t really think being on the same platform as someone is really a relationship either, fwiw. If colleagues had found a website of his, or something historic featuring something that wasn’t targeted at colleagues, that would be different.

      1. Strive to Excel*

        Note that I don’t know if Snapchat has any sort of age filter/content filter for people’s feeds. However, for this specific case the type of app does matter because it might be the difference between “I’m actively sending my colleagues naked pictures regardless of their consent” and “my colleagues signed themselves up for my feed where I post naked pictures”. If he’s actually sending them, then he needs to stop immediately. If he’s not specifically targeting his coworkers, then his coworkers need to remove themselves from the feed. It would still be worthwhile talking to Kevin about appropriate social media use and the adding of coworkers onto private media accounts.

        1. Ellis Bell*

          True, even though OP used the word “sending”, upon rereading it, they don’t seem too sure of anything; while nakedness directed at the world, including colleagues, isn’t great either it’s not as targeted or directed.

      2. Turquoisecow*

        I mean it could be the employees are looking at the photos before or after work and just happen to be chatting about it in the office. Trying to turn this around to “well they shouldn’t be looking at their phones on work time anyway” is 100% victim blaming here.

        1. Hyaline*

          Ehhh….without better details here, if these coworkers popping over to Bozo’s Snapchat feed because he posts nudes has become a Thing and they’re doing it at work, yeah, they should be reprimanded for intentionally seeking that out at work. If it’s that he’s actually sending them, unsolicited, that’s different.

    4. Despachito*

      I think it is pretty irrelevant in this case whether they were checking Snapchat during work.

      It would be equally inappropriate to send coworkers such pictures ANYTIME, day or night.

  7. Observer*

    What never ceases to amaze me is how often people worry about their authority to deal with stuff that most definitely affects the rest of their staff and the entire workplace.

    The update (thanks to @Seeking Second Childhood!) is deeply unsatisfying. The LW’s hesitation to deal with it, then excuse making (and really, it never is “too late” to deal with an issue like that, especially since it is almost certainly ongoing) about it is frustrating. But I am glad to see that at least it has helped them to see that they do have the authority to deal with stuff outside of the very narrow lines of “explicitly a work function or mentioned in the HR manual.”

    1. Hyaline*

      I also wonder if the whole situation stopped after that interaction–that it doesn’t seem that this has come across OP’s radar again. Which makes me wonder if the “Hey, did I hear you say…?” was enough to shut down whatever shenanigans were happening and, well…as much as “and Panda Emoji on his Junk dude got firmly reprimanded” is more satisfying, a quick scare all around may have had the desired effect of shutting it down.

      1. Observer*

        Agreed that if this was shut down just by the LW’s question, that’s a good outcome.

        I’m not so much bothered by the fact that no one was reprimanded. But more that the LW didn’t feel like they could act on it, and even once given the signal that they could, they still didn’t really try to make sure that this was not still going on. But hopefully in the future they handle it better.

  8. Your credit's fine Mr Torrance*

    Hmm, reading the update it sounds like the LW isn’t even sure it happened at all.

    1. Observer*

      It sounds like they simply don’t want to know. They heard enough to know that *something* is going on. They really should have looked into it further, or tried to. More importantly, they should have realized that this is something that they not only *can* address, they actually *should*.

      Hopefully they will be more proactive in the future. At least their update indicates that that is one lesson learned.

  9. linger*

    Not entirely sure I really want to know, but … how does an animal filter even work for this?
    If you set “bulldog”, for example, do you get a bulldog *face* showing over the relevant area, or do you get a, um, lipstick-shaped object?

  10. Not Nearly Nude*

    Really feels like there’s a significant difference in whether he’s sending directly to people or simply posting (obviously SnapChat’s function is a bit like sending). If that’s a regular feature of his account but not being sent directly to coworkers, it’s poor taste but on them to unfollow/unfriend: “Well, Eustace, I don’t follow any accounts with near-nudes, if you ever change to just posting your teapot collection and lunch, let me know and I’ll refollow.” It sounds like they’re looking at these in a rubbernecking/thing to gossip about with coworkers way. If there are power dynamics involved where people feel compelled to follow, then it’s back to being a big problem.

    I sometimes post definitely-not-even-nearly-nude-but-mildly-risque posts to my Instagram Story and specifically have the “close friends” group set up so it doesn’t include any coworkers.

    1. Coin_Operated*

      I was about to say the same thing. It sounded like from the original letter, this was a social media account the worker had. Snapchat also has a public story mode where you send snaps to everyone on your follow list, not just private messages.

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