how can I get out of group photos at work, interviewer asked what I’d do if I won $1 million, and more

by Alison Green on October 23, 2024

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. How can I get out of group photos at work?

I work in a department where the staff work remotely most of the time. We do have monthly and quarterly meetings where everyone is required to work on-site and the occasional optional staff party or get-together.

My manager and one coworker insist that these in-person occasions be marked with a photograph. I hate being photographed; for a lot of personal reasons they send me down a hole of self loathing and are extremely stressful. Honestly, I never go to optional events and find sleep difficult, often impossible, the night before our on-site days. I have tried leaving early, which results in the photo being taken before I can exit. I have tried saying, “No thanks, but I’d love to be the photographer,” which results in a “No!” from everyone present. I have tried standing in the back, which results in another coworker pushing me to the front since I am short. All of which means that all on-site occasions are commemorated with a photo with a person front and center who looks like she is on the verge of tears. Because I am.

Is there an effective way to avoid these photo opportunities? I just want to be able to enjoy being with my colleagues in person without the specter of being photographed hanging over my head.

Ugh, they should not be doing this; people’s preferences about being in photos should be respected just like people’s preference to not be hugged or not be called by a nickname. There are some exceptions to this; if this were an annual team photo or something, I’d encourage you to try to do it if you could — although even then you should be able to opt out if it makes you too anxious. But every on-site occasion? It’s not needed.

I recommend talking to your manager! People who enjoy photos often genuinely don’t realize the level of discomfort some people experience with them; ironically, they may even feel they’re being inclusive by pushing you to participate. Try saying this to your manager: “I’m truly not comfortable being photographed, and I’m requesting that you and the team stop pushing me to be in photos if I say I’d rather not.”

The other option is just being very assertive about opting out in the moment — “No, I really hate being photographed; I’m not joking; I’m going to sit it out; it’s getting weird that you won’t respect that” — but it’ll probably be more effective to address the pattern with your boss one-on-one.

2. Interviewer asked what I’d do if I won $1 million

I’m interested in your perspective on a job interview question I encountered seven years ago. It lives rent-free in my head! It was a second-round interview for a professional role in a mid-sized company. Of the four interview panel members present, the question was delivered by the HR person. It was read from a planned list of questions, although I think the last part was improvised: “What would you do if you were working for us and were given, won, or inherited $1 million?” This was followed with, “Don’t tell us you would turn up to work the next day because we know that is a lie.” This last part was delivered with direct eye contact and all the condescension you can imagine.

I froze and, having never considered this scenario, gave a terrible answer. I didn’t get the job, nor would I have taken it if offered.

To this day, I don’t know what the interviewer panel was trying to get out of this question. What is the point of this type of question? What type of response is appropriate when it has the potential to lead into discussions of your personal life?

That’s a terrible question, and it was asked in a particularly adversarial way. I doubt they meant it to be adversarial … but “we know that is a lie” is a ridiculous thing to say (not least because, particularly once taxes are taken out, $1 million isn’t “quit your job and never work again” money for many people in the U.S.).

I suspect what they were trying to get at — badly — was, “What are your passions in life / how would you spend your time and your energy if you didn’t have to go to work every day?” and that was probably intended to give them a better sense of who you are. But it’s an ineffective way to find those things out, and I suspect you weren’t the only candidate who found it off-putting.

3. My employees want to buy me Starbucks — how can I gracefully get them to stop?

I’ve come to management later in life, and currently lead a team of eight. My employees are hard-working, empathetic, and look out for one another. However, on occasion, one of them will volunteer to buy Starbucks for whoever is on shift. When I am working, they include me in this, and I have accepted as I don’t want to make the employee in question feel awkward by declining. (This has only happened twice so far.)

I agree with your philosophy that gifts in the workplace should flow downward. I have offered to Venmo the generous employee whenever they do this, and they always decline. I have also explicitly told them that they do not need to buy me anything or include me in group orders, yet the Starbucks persists. I don’t want to create a pattern where anyone feels obligated to treat me to anything, but I also don’t want to squish my employees’ generosity and empathy — in our industry, these are valuable traits worth nurturing.

How would you recommend I deal with this? Should I simply gracefully decline each time and create a new pattern?

You’ve offered to Venmo them, and you’ve told them they don’t need to buy you anything — but that’s still leaving a lot of room for them to do it anyway. Instead say, “This is on me” and hand them cash or (if you plan in advance) a Starbucks gift card (“you can put it all on this gift card”). If you don’t want to cover it every time, just decline their offer to grab you something on those occasions — which you can do by just cheerfully saying, “Nothing for me, thank you!”

4. How can I get constructive feedback from my boss?

I guess I have a good “problem” to have, but wanted your advice. I work for a manager who does not give me any constructive feedback, besides his praise that I am doing great. He has me write my own performance reviews (including sections designated for him), and when I ask to review them, he says it all looks good and he signs off. I often ask if there are things to improve in my job performance, and he just says things like “you are doing wonderfully.”

I am not sure if I should just take these things at face value and keep working as I am, or press him to find things for me to improve. I have asked others for whom I’m worked on projects at this workplace to also give me feedback, and get the same “you are great, no notes” kind of responses.

Some managers aren’t good at providing feedback to people who do their job well, or don’t even think they need to; if a person is generally doing well, to those managers that’s the whole story. But it can be a disservice to people like you who want to get better and better at what they do or would just appreciate a more nuanced discussion of their performance.

One option is to say to your boss “I appreciate that you’ve told me I’m doing well, but I’d like to get better and better at my job and I’d really value being able to talk with you about ways I could do that.”

But sometimes an easier option to ask for feedback around specific pieces of work. For example: “I felt like I wasn’t as effective at X as I wanted to be in that meeting — can you help me think through other ways I could have presented that?” … “I really want to get better at X. Can we talk about what I should be focused on to do that?” … “Project X didn’t go as well I’d hoped and I’d love your thoughts on how I might approach that kind of work differently next time.” … “I don’t think II’m approaching Y as effectively as I could. Could I run through where I am with it and get your thoughts on where to strengthen it?” … etc.

Also, if you know what you’d like your next role to be (or one after that one), you can talk to your boss about how to get from here to there — ask what skills he thinks you should be working on and demonstrating to help you get there.

Related:
how to get your manager to give you useful feedback
how can I get more feedback from my boss?

5. Company approached me about working for them, then never got back to me

I’ve been at my current employer for 12 years and am overall very happy. I’ve progressed to the top of the food chain, though, so am conscious that if I want to grow further I’d need to change orgs. Last week I received a very brief email from a VP at an org I’d love to work for. It said: “We’re looking to make a couple of hires at a senior level at [ORG] and I’m wondering whether you might be interested in being considered. Please let me know!”

I am not actively looking for a job, so whether I want this position would very much depend on what, exactly the role is. That said, I’d definitely be open to exploring a role. So I answered, “Thank you for reaching out. Yes, I would be interested in being considered. I look forward to learning more about the roles you are looking to fill.”

A week later, I haven’t heard anything further. Now I’m wondering if I totally botched this, as this has never happened to me before! Should I have included my resume (which would have required me updating it and thus taken longer for me to reply)? Included a more cover letter-like intro to myself? Or just generally sounded more enthusiastic? In the event something like this happens again, how could I handle it better? (And is it worth following up with this one, or should I assume they’re not interested for whatever reason?)

You didn’t botch it. It might have just moved down on the person’s priority list for whatever reason, or they forwarded you along to someone else who will be in contact at some point, or something changed on their end (a perfect candidate emerged, hiring is on hold until they work out some details, or who knows what).

Ideally in a situation like this it’s good to include your resume — but since they contacted you, the fact that you didn’t is unlikely to kill their interest; if anything they would have just responded and asked you to send it. But if you’re not sending it because you needed time to update it, it’s always fine to say, “I’d normally attach my resume but since I’m not actively looking it’s not up-to-date; I’ll update it this weekend and send it over to you” (or whatever).

If you haven’t heard anything in another week (two weeks total), check back in. Include an updated resume at that point (if nothing else, it gives an easy opening for writing back, but also it could help move things along if they’re going to move).

You may also like:
{ 35 comments }

{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Audogs*

    #1-No photo, me too! I swear the last good photo I took was when I was a toddler. When I’ve been in this position I’ve glibly said, “No I can’t, Witness Protection Program you know!” When that hasn’t worked I just say a pleasant, firm No.

    Reply ↓
    1. AJ*

      Definitely not for everyone, and maybe not the best response, but I’d just go ahead and burst into tears and let THEM deal with the discomfort I’m feeling.

      Reply ↓
  2. Caramel & Cheddar*

    1) I worked somewhere where certain types of roles were required to have headshots on our website and one guy who I assume hates being photographed always posed with his head tilted down while wearing a baseball hat so you couldn’t see his face. This solution probably won’t work in many if not most scenarios, but this was a creative workplace where personality was okay to show in the photos.

    2) The housing market where I live is terrible, so my answer would be “Down payment on a house, so I’d definitely be at work the next day.” Ask silly questions, get annoyingly realistic answers.

    Reply ↓
    1. Bilateralrope*

      Here a million will be enough to buy a house without a mortgage. But that’s still going to take most of the money.

      Even if I won a jackpot big enough to retire today, I’m still turning up to work the next day. Last I checked, collecting a lotto win that big requires a trip to a different city, so that’s going to wait until I can use PTO for it. I’d probably take a week or two off so it looks like me taking a vacation.

      Once I’ve got the money, then I’m going to plan how I’ll be managing it.

      Only then will I submit my two weeks notice.

      Reply ↓
    2. GammaGirl1908*

      Right? Once I paid off my condo and credit card, made a couple of investments, and put some away for taxes, I’d be right back at work. It would take AT LEAST ten times that for me to call in rich and quit my job.

      That said, the things I would do with that money would help me retire much earlier. But that’s very different from quitting tomorrow.

      Reply ↓
  3. Thepuppiesareok*

    OP1 please speak up. There are a lot of reasons to not want to be part of photos. I’ve known people that were militant about declining being in photos. This was because for their personal safety they had to keep their online presence as limited as possible. That meant no photos at all. Personally I just find it a major waste of time and decline when I can for this reason.

    Reply ↓
    1. Allonge*

      Yes, please raise this (in a non-photo-adjacent moment)!

      Over here in GDPR-land you would have a very firm ground to stand on just saying no, but I would hope that no matter where you are, even a halfway decent boss will internalise that this is a problem for you on a different scale than for most people. It really is ok not to want to be in group / individual pics.

      Reply ↓
  4. MPerera*

    If I won a million dollars, I would still show up for work the next day because it would take time for me to decide what to do with the money and how to do it. And until that happens, I’d like my life to continue the same as before, rather than being one of those lottery winners you read about who let it go to their heads, spend their time partying and end up miserable.

    That’s what I’d say in response to the question, anyway, and if the interviewers still think I’m lying, that’s not the sort of place I’d want to work.

    Reply ↓
    1. Hroethvitnir*

      Absolutely! Even if $1M was worth what it was, say, in the 80s, quitting on the spot is just weird. Unless you hated your job, of course. At the very least you really don’t want people finding out if you suddenly become rich. :(

      Reply ↓
    2. WishIWasATimeTraveller*

      I would definitely quit my job if I won a million dollars (no windfall gains tax where I live) but I’d still show up to work the next day because it would take time to arrange everything financially and hand over my work.
      If I inherited it, my answer would be I’d take time off to grieve whoever left it to me!

      Reply ↓
    3. Emmy Noether*

      I’d also show up for work the next day.

      For one, 1M, even if that’s after taxes, is not enough to live on for the next ~50 years for my husband and me, and support our children while they’re minors and through their studies. Like, not even close to enough. So we’ll still need income. That money would be enough to live more comfortably, or work less hours, or take a sabbatical, but all that takes planning.

      The second thing is that large windfalls like that are better kept secret.

      Reply ↓
    4. Allonge*

      I mean – I might take the next day off to think about what this means for me exactly!

      But instant quitting would not be an option for me even if the money I get is literally never work again scale. I am interested and invested in at least half the things I do at work and I would not want to dramatically inconvenience my coworkers for anything I am working on.

      Sure, I might get hit by a bus and they would have to deal, but in hte won a million dollars scenario I would have more control. And I don’t particularly appreciate that a prospective employer would not consider that I would be a professional about quitting even if I ended up quitting.

      Reply ↓
    5. Kindred Spirit*

      I would certainly show up at work the following day. Unless it’s in the local news, no one I work with would know because they wouldn’t hear from me. In response to the question, I’d probably say that I would pay off the mortgage, help our adult kids with a down payment if they want to buy a home, give some to our favorite nonprofit orgs, and invest the rest.

      Reply ↓
  5. Resume please*

    2) Such a weird question. I would answer “Well, about half of it goes to taxes, so I’d pay off my mortgage and safely invest the rest. And go on vacation, I guess.” Maybe not the answer they’d want, but I think I would mentally check out after that

    Reply ↓
  6. nnn*

    This is very much Monday morning quarterbacking, but I wonder if a useful answer to #2 would be “Oh, don’t worry! I’d definitely show up the next day even if just to wrap things up – I wouldn’t leave you hanging!”

    Reply ↓
    1. Ellis Bell*

      The interviewer explicitly ruled out this very reasonable response because it “would be a lie”. Honestly I don’t think there was a good response to this question unless it was randomly asked of someone who a) has the kind of life where lots of energy can be spent on plans for best case scenarios and b) who also has a passion for something that can be seen as an asset in an employee. I used to have a boss who always said she would open and run her own facility for kids in the system (we work with children who are often let down by it), so she is a good candidate for this kind of question, but most people wouldn’t be prepared for this, nor should they be. Even she didn’t have the most nailed down plan, so someone as aggressive as this interviewer would probably pick holes in it. I think they were possibly going for responses of stark honesty, perhaps as a reaction to being lied to by candidates, or possibly a reaction to previous bad hires not working out because they have terrible interviewing techniques.

      Reply ↓
  8. nnn*

    For #3, if you’re not able to dissuade them, maybe you could quietly make up for it by giving them Starbucks gift cards at the next gift-giving occasion that cover all the coffees they’ve bought for you (plus whatever amount you actually want to spend on their gifts)

    Reply ↓
    1. coffee lady*

      #3 LW here, I love this idea and will likely implement it as the holidays are coming :)

      I’ve also been thinking the situation over and realized that I’ve fallen prey to something Alison points out repeatedly to managers: not being clear about your asks. This is something I’m now actively working on, and there’s plenty of room for improvement.

      Reply ↓
      1. Drinks on Me*

        Yeah, I work on a team of 7 and I’m their boss but I’m not going to say no when they make the gesture. I buy everyone lunch, drinks, etc. out of pocket enough that monetary value far exceeds the occasional iced tea they get me every once and a while because they want to.

        Reply ↓
    2. AcademiaNut*

      If it’s the kind of thing where people are buying rounds (ie, they’re taking turns picking up the coffee order, because sorting out eight payments for a coffee run sucks), then the LW could periodically take her turn, so it evens out.

      Reply ↓
      1. Green great dragon*

        Even if it’s not a rounds situation, LW could offer occasionally, and say yes when co-worker offers occasionally, and try to make sure they’re coming out behind.

        Reply ↓
      2. Lexi Vipond*

        Yes, this doesn’t sound like something so extravagant to me that the LW must opt out completely, just take a fair or slightly more than fair share.

        Reply ↓
  9. Chris*

    #4: This is not necessarily a “good” problem to have. I had a boss who was relentlessly positive about my work and refused to provide any sort of realistic feedback. In retrospect he was the worst boss I’ve ever had.

    Reply ↓
  10. Jeannie*

    As someone who would go to work even if I won 500 million (don’t play, so not sure how I’d manage it), this grates. I like my job and I’m pretty good with it, and I prefer the structure of regular hours.

    I probably wouldn’t do overtime, but that’s about it.

    Reply ↓
  11. TechWorker*

    #1 – not that you need to guilt trip your manager here, but if they are generally decent manager and person then I think some honesty would go a long way! If I heard that one of my reports was dreading in person days and avoiding socials because of the photography (‘I just want to enjoy spending time with my colleagues’) I would bend over backwards to make that not awkward for them.

    Reply ↓
    1. TechWorker*

      (You might feel like that’s obvious from your reaction, but I doubt it is – I think some people say they ‘hate photos’ but actually just feel mildly awkward about them, so they probably don’t realise how bad it is for you).

      Reply ↓
  12. Spooz*

    #1: It’s really fine to just say something. I have worked in very “casual team building camaraderie” kind of workplaces that included a lot of optional-compulsory fun. I am not into that stuff at all.

    You do not need to hype this up to be a huge conversation, you just need to change your demeanour. I have always participated in bits I don’t mind (ice breaker games) and opted out of the bits I do mind (HUGGING! ARGH!) and have received very little pushback.

    “No thank you, I don’t want to be in the photo. I’m going to stand over here and watch.” And you do so. You don’t need to explain or get anyone’s permission. You just do it. At most, say, “I’m funny about being photographed and really do not want to be in it. You carry on, I’ll just watch from here.”

    But you have to sound like you mean it and you have to physically move away and not let yourself get shoved around. You are I charge of you!

    I agree that maybe talking to your boss would help if she is the main instigator. You could do this by email if you like. But again, don’t overexplain and feel like you are making a huge deal out of it.

    “I don’t want to participate in the group photos any longer. I don’t like being photographed and it’s very stressful for me. I am going to start just watching and I would appreciate it if you would help me by not asking me to be in them and redirecting anyone who tries to persuade me.”

    I read the posts here about being pranked and thank my lucky stars that everyone in my aforementioned casual workplaces has discerned correctly that I would HATE to be planked or teased in any way. Honestly, a simple but blunt, “No thank you” has got me out of all sorts of things. Especially hugs!

    Reply ↓
  13. My two cents*

    #2 is such an obnoxious question – and one that has a very different response for most people depending on the scenario. If I inherited $1M I definitely would not go to work the next day. But that’s because it means my parents have died and I’m grieving. If I won $1M I would certainly not be able to stop my career. A two bedroom townhouse in my neighborhood is over $1M.

    It’s a dumb question I understand their point (I guess), but they haven’t considered any reality in asking it. what a stupid question.

    #3 – what about preordering you Starbucks order on the app for pick up. You don’t even necessarily have to buy for others unless you want to. If someone asks if you want something just order and tell them it’s ready for pickup when they go for your order.

    Reply ↓
  14. Suze*

    #2, look, clearly they don’t want a realistic answer and are asking what you would do if you had enough money to quit your job. They want you to say something like go travel around the world, give money to charity or volunteer, go back to school to study the arts, etc. If you want the job that’s those are the answers I’d suggest, it makes you sound like a reasonably well-rounded person.

    Reply ↓
  16. Lucky Escape*

    #2 – LW – I agree with the comment here. In the moment, I didn’t point out the obvious that the average cost of a house in that city was $1.2 million, money takes time and legal wrangling to reach your account, a quarter will be paid in tax, or that I would have enough respect for my colleagues to wrap up my work appropriately *if* I did decide to quit. What I said was that I would like to become a travel blogger…. I’ve never considered travel blogging a life choice before that question or since. It was random and not well received.

    As a side note, I checked Glassdoor afterwards and found several negative reviews about a HR person at the company. So it wasn’t just me.

    Reply ↓
    1. Arrietty*

      I love your completely random answer! At an interview for college, I out of the blue declared a passion for reptiles that I had previously been wholly unaware of.

      Reply ↓
  17. Agent Diane*

    OP5 – I’d take Alison’s advice to update your resume now, but I’d also suggest setting a reminder to update it at least once a year.

    Even if you are not actively looking for a new role, keeping your master resume up to date regularly means you don’t need to spend hours trying to remember what you’ve done. I was doing an application once and asked a trusted peer to review it. They asked why I’d missed a huge high profile project out, and it was simply that I’d plunged straight into the next project and not noted it down. So every January I put aside a couple of hours to really reflect and update my resume.

    You’ve said you will need to change organisations to go further. Having an up to date master resume on file means if you see the ideal role, you don’t need to do the updating bit of preparing an application but can go straight to the tailoring part.

    Reply ↓

Leave a Comment

Before you comment: Please be kind, stay on-topic, and follow the site's commenting rules.
You can report an ad, tech, or typo issue here.

Subscribe to all comments on this post by RSS