how can I get out of group photos at work, interviewer asked what I’d do if I won $1 million, and more

by Alison Green on October 23, 2024

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. How can I get out of group photos at work?

I work in a department where the staff work remotely most of the time. We do have monthly and quarterly meetings where everyone is required to work on-site and the occasional optional staff party or get-together.

My manager and one coworker insist that these in-person occasions be marked with a photograph. I hate being photographed; for a lot of personal reasons they send me down a hole of self loathing and are extremely stressful. Honestly, I never go to optional events and find sleep difficult, often impossible, the night before our on-site days. I have tried leaving early, which results in the photo being taken before I can exit. I have tried saying, “No thanks, but I’d love to be the photographer,” which results in a “No!” from everyone present. I have tried standing in the back, which results in another coworker pushing me to the front since I am short. All of which means that all on-site occasions are commemorated with a photo with a person front and center who looks like she is on the verge of tears. Because I am.

Is there an effective way to avoid these photo opportunities? I just want to be able to enjoy being with my colleagues in person without the specter of being photographed hanging over my head.

Ugh, they should not be doing this; people’s preferences about being in photos should be respected just like people’s preference to not be hugged or not be called by a nickname. There are some exceptions to this; if this were an annual team photo or something, I’d encourage you to try to do it if you could — although even then you should be able to opt out if it makes you too anxious. But every on-site occasion? It’s not needed.

I recommend talking to your manager! People who enjoy photos often genuinely don’t realize the level of discomfort some people experience with them; ironically, they may even feel they’re being inclusive by pushing you to participate. Try saying this to your manager: “I’m truly not comfortable being photographed, and I’m requesting that you and the team stop pushing me to be in photos if I say I’d rather not.”

The other option is just being very assertive about opting out in the moment — “No, I really hate being photographed; I’m not joking; I’m going to sit it out; it’s getting weird that you won’t respect that” — but it’ll probably be more effective to address the pattern with your boss one-on-one.

2. Interviewer asked what I’d do if I won $1 million

I’m interested in your perspective on a job interview question I encountered seven years ago. It lives rent-free in my head! It was a second-round interview for a professional role in a mid-sized company. Of the four interview panel members present, the question was delivered by the HR person. It was read from a planned list of questions, although I think the last part was improvised: “What would you do if you were working for us and were given, won, or inherited $1 million?” This was followed with, “Don’t tell us you would turn up to work the next day because we know that is a lie.” This last part was delivered with direct eye contact and all the condescension you can imagine.

I froze and, having never considered this scenario, gave a terrible answer. I didn’t get the job, nor would I have taken it if offered.

To this day, I don’t know what the interviewer panel was trying to get out of this question. What is the point of this type of question? What type of response is appropriate when it has the potential to lead into discussions of your personal life?

That’s a terrible question, and it was asked in a particularly adversarial way. I doubt they meant it to be adversarial … but “we know that is a lie” is a ridiculous thing to say (not least because, particularly once taxes are taken out, $1 million isn’t “quit your job and never work again” money for many people in the U.S.).

I suspect what they were trying to get at — badly — was, “What are your passions in life / how would you spend your time and your energy if you didn’t have to go to work every day?” and that was probably intended to give them a better sense of who you are. But it’s an ineffective way to find those things out, and I suspect you weren’t the only candidate who found it off-putting.

3. My employees want to buy me Starbucks — how can I gracefully get them to stop?

I’ve come to management later in life, and currently lead a team of eight. My employees are hard-working, empathetic, and look out for one another. However, on occasion, one of them will volunteer to buy Starbucks for whoever is on shift. When I am working, they include me in this, and I have accepted as I don’t want to make the employee in question feel awkward by declining. (This has only happened twice so far.)

I agree with your philosophy that gifts in the workplace should flow downward. I have offered to Venmo the generous employee whenever they do this, and they always decline. I have also explicitly told them that they do not need to buy me anything or include me in group orders, yet the Starbucks persists. I don’t want to create a pattern where anyone feels obligated to treat me to anything, but I also don’t want to squish my employees’ generosity and empathy — in our industry, these are valuable traits worth nurturing.

How would you recommend I deal with this? Should I simply gracefully decline each time and create a new pattern?

You’ve offered to Venmo them, and you’ve told them they don’t need to buy you anything — but that’s still leaving a lot of room for them to do it anyway. Instead say, “This is on me” and hand them cash or (if you plan in advance) a Starbucks gift card (“you can put it all on this gift card”). If you don’t want to cover it every time, just decline their offer to grab you something on those occasions — which you can do by just cheerfully saying, “Nothing for me, thank you!”

4. How can I get constructive feedback from my boss?

I guess I have a good “problem” to have, but wanted your advice. I work for a manager who does not give me any constructive feedback, besides his praise that I am doing great. He has me write my own performance reviews (including sections designated for him), and when I ask to review them, he says it all looks good and he signs off. I often ask if there are things to improve in my job performance, and he just says things like “you are doing wonderfully.”

I am not sure if I should just take these things at face value and keep working as I am, or press him to find things for me to improve. I have asked others for whom I’m worked on projects at this workplace to also give me feedback, and get the same “you are great, no notes” kind of responses.

Some managers aren’t good at providing feedback to people who do their job well, or don’t even think they need to; if a person is generally doing well, to those managers that’s the whole story. But it can be a disservice to people like you who want to get better and better at what they do or would just appreciate a more nuanced discussion of their performance.

One option is to say to your boss “I appreciate that you’ve told me I’m doing well, but I’d like to get better and better at my job and I’d really value being able to talk with you about ways I could do that.”

But sometimes an easier option to ask for feedback around specific pieces of work. For example: “I felt like I wasn’t as effective at X as I wanted to be in that meeting — can you help me think through other ways I could have presented that?” … “I really want to get better at X. Can we talk about what I should be focused on to do that?” … “Project X didn’t go as well I’d hoped and I’d love your thoughts on how I might approach that kind of work differently next time.” … “I don’t think II’m approaching Y as effectively as I could. Could I run through where I am with it and get your thoughts on where to strengthen it?” … etc.

Also, if you know what you’d like your next role to be (or one after that one), you can talk to your boss about how to get from here to there — ask what skills he thinks you should be working on and demonstrating to help you get there.

Related:
how to get your manager to give you useful feedback
how can I get more feedback from my boss?

5. Company approached me about working for them, then never got back to me

I’ve been at my current employer for 12 years and am overall very happy. I’ve progressed to the top of the food chain, though, so am conscious that if I want to grow further I’d need to change orgs. Last week I received a very brief email from a VP at an org I’d love to work for. It said: “We’re looking to make a couple of hires at a senior level at [ORG] and I’m wondering whether you might be interested in being considered. Please let me know!”

I am not actively looking for a job, so whether I want this position would very much depend on what, exactly, the role is. That said, I’d definitely be open to exploring a role. So I answered, “Thank you for reaching out. Yes, I would be interested in being considered. I look forward to learning more about the roles you are looking to fill.”

A week later, I haven’t heard anything further. Now I’m wondering if I totally botched this, as this has never happened to me before! Should I have included my resume (which would have required me updating it and thus taken longer for me to reply)? Included a more cover letter-like intro to myself? Or just generally sounded more enthusiastic? In the event something like this happens again, how could I handle it better? (And is it worth following up with this one, or should I assume they’re not interested for whatever reason?)

You didn’t botch it. It might have just moved down on the person’s priority list for whatever reason, or they forwarded you along to someone else who will be in contact at some point, or something changed on their end (a perfect candidate emerged, hiring is on hold until they work out some details, or who knows what).

Ideally in a situation like this it’s good to include your resume — but since they contacted you, the fact that you didn’t is unlikely to kill their interest; if anything they would have just responded and asked you to send it. But if you’re not sending it because you needed time to update it, it’s always fine to say, “I’d normally attach my resume but since I’m not actively looking it’s not up-to-date; I’ll update it this weekend and send it over to you” (or whatever).

If you haven’t heard anything in another week (two weeks total), check back in. Include an updated resume at that point (if nothing else, it gives an easy opening for writing back, but also it could help move things along if they’re going to move).

You may also like:
{ 419 comments }

{ 419 comments… read them below }

  1. Audogs*

    #1-No photo, me too! I swear the last good photo I took was when I was a toddler. When I’ve been in this position I’ve glibly said, “No I can’t, Witness Protection Program you know!” When that hasn’t worked I just say a pleasant, firm No.

    1. AJ*

      Definitely not for everyone, and maybe not the best response, but I’d just go ahead and burst into tears and let THEM deal with the discomfort I’m feeling.

      1. Eldritch Office Worker*

        I support this. When people don’t respect boundaries those are the consequences.

        1. hello*

          The consequences is that LW would just not be invited to these gatherings again. “Oh should we tell LW to come? No, the last time they came they burst out in tears over nothing.”

          1. Eldritch Office Worker*

            If it was that easy to get out of required on-sites there would be whole tik tok channels about training yourself to cry on demand.

          2. Lenora Rose*

            Do you shun your peers over a single emotional breakdown, especially when they can point to an actual cause? Or do you just assume everyone else will?

            I’m pretty sure neither is healthy.

          3. RIP Pillowfort*

            OP isn’t talking about the optional events she skips. They’re forcing the photos for on-site work meetings.

            Those she has standing to say no to. There’s no way they’re work required. They’re just something they’re doing because other people like it. OP doesn’t and should be allowed to opt out. If the manager and this co-worker make a big deal about it, the problem isn’t the OP’s reasonable request to not be photographed. That’s a super common request. I know multiple people that aren’t in work photos because they requested not to be.

            1. Paulina*

              The insistence on photographs is also having a negative impact on OP for the entire day. Since this is a work meeting, that’s a work problem that the boss should be more responsive to: they can either get good productivity and participation from OP for the actual work, or keep stressing her out by insisting on photographing her front-and-center.

          4. Slow Gin Lizz*

            No, I don’t think LW would be uninvited in the future (esp as it’s a work meeting) but I think avoiding crying in front of your coworkers is pretty much always in your best interest. I suppose I think this because I cry at the drop of a hat and I always find it really embarrassing. And I also find it pretty uncomfortable to witness someone else crying at work, probably empathizing with the embarrassment I think that person is feeling. I of course can’t speak for LW but I get the sense that they already feel embarrassed about this situation and would like to avoid further embarrassment in the future; crying at work probably would not accomplish that goal.

          5. I went to school with only 1 Jennifer*

            These aren’t social gatherings! LW1 says they skip the optional stuff. These are “work on-site” days. I’m pretty sure they’ll still be expected to show up.

      2. Hendry*

        I’d say the LW should just talk to their boss prior to the next event. From the letter it doesn’t sound like they have really told anyone how much they don’t like it. To the others it probably seems like mild reluctance, but if it’s affecting LW this much they need to make it clear

        2. Malarkey01*

          Yes! So many of these letters on this site can we solved with- find a free moment, go to your manager, say you have something to talk about that’s bothering you, explain the issue and say without joking or self deprecating language that you do not like/struggle with this…. 9/10 problems solved.

      3. Hendry*

        Before doing anything remotely close to that, LW needs to make it clear how much she doesn’t want to be in photos. Right now it sounds like she’s politely declining so they think it’s probably just. shyness. LW needs to advocate for herself here

        1. Paulina*

          Even if they think it’s just shyness, it’s really problematic that their response to thinking that someone is “just shy” is to push her to the front. Yes OP should explain, but WTF to these coworkers, especially if they’ve looked at past pictures at all.

      4. Cacofonix*

        I know that is a glib response, but bursting into tears is really, really the bottom of the pile of things to do if you can help it. But you know that eleventy ways from Sunday right?

      5. My Useless Two Cents*

        Alternative? A smiley face mask on a stick (like on those anti-depressant commercials).

        Seriously, a firm no. Walk out if someone tries to pressure you after that. **Like walk back to your desk, or the restroom, or lobby, not walk out of the job.

      1. Myrin*

        To be fair, it doesn’t sound like these photos get published anywhere but are just meant as an internal memory. Doesn’t make the whole thing more reasonable, though.

        1. Mongrel*

          All it takes is one well meaning person snagging a copy and posting it to their Facebook feed or LinkedIn page.

          1. the cat's pajamas*

            I hate photos too. I will often mention I’m avoiding ID theft. Now with AI and deepfakes, I have better arguments. They still don’t always work, but feel free to try them.

          2. CheesePlease*

            My company makes me sign a photo disclosure agreement in case my picture is taken (team photo, company picnic etc) and used online or in promotional material. Is this not common practice? I thought it was in place for cases such as these

              1. Abigail*

                Media disclosure forms are standard operating procedure for my kids at every school and extra curricular activity.

                If you opt out, if you deny consent to post images, the organization cannot post them. It doesn’t mean you are kicked out. It means they can only post with consent.

                If somebody declined their communications department would have to make sure they aren’t in any posted photos. That’s it, that’s the whole thing, it’s nothing to get upset over.

                1. Zelda*

                  1) Who’s upset? I asked for a clarification. 2) The considerations for posting photographs of minors are so different as to be irrelevant here. 3) The commenter to whom I was replying certainly made it sound as if giving consent was compulsory. I don’t think the culture you happen to be familiar with can be assumed to be the culture for every organization everywhere.

              2. Chirpy*

                In the organization I volunteer with, if you don’t sign the photography release, they can’t publish your photos because they don’t have your explicit consent (they mostly use them for social media.)

                Now, obviously there are people who take and post their own photos at events, but they’re not going on the official pages.

      2. hello*

        This is such an unlikely possibility, though. Let’s focus on what the LW wrote and not live in fantasy land.

        1. Jezebella*

          Unlikely? Not really. I just checked – the DOJ says one in three women and one in six men face stalking in their lifetime. For some it’s brief, for others it’s a literal lifetime of staying in the shadows.

          1. anon2day*

            I agree and I wish the same kind of sensitivity was used with the previous question about people who neglect to answer personal questions at work. It’s not Being Weird it’s simply self protection.

            1. dawbs*

              yes, but there are levels to it.

              When asked what you do on the day off, saying “oh, no, I’m a vampire so I don’t have a social life” might be TMI (if you don’t want to share about your vampirism) but is going to be heard as shutting down the conversation.

              But saying “oh, I don’t tend to leave the house while the sun is up; are there fun places to explore the nightlife locally?” is deflecting the question but asking for the conversation to continue.

              Hell, when I was in the midst of infertility when I really REALLY didn’t want to discuss it, I could answer “so, any kids?” questions with “no, just pets!” and people who weren’t jerks would pick up the thread and run with it–because I wasn’t saying “no. conversation over”. I was saing “no, here, lets go to THIS conversation that I can share in”.
              ( Jerks are gonna jerk, so it let them show their own obnoxiousness.)

              And man, it can be hella hard to come up with those responses on the fly–I personally am bad at it. But my kid and her speech therapist and I have come up with a handful for her to use and I steal from her info on this one.

            2. Nonsense*

              People were sensitive to not wanting to answer personal questions yesterday – it was how the LW chose to deflect the questions that raised eyebrows. There are better ways than others to stay private.

            3. Ginny Weasley*

              Sure, but there’s a big difference between, “I prefer not to talk about my personal life at work for privacy reasons” and “I might have kids”

            4. Unkempt Flatware*

              In addition to what others have said on this, I also think it is possible and very very common to think someone or their behavior is weird while also thinking of them with kindness and sensitivity.

          2. Annie*

            But the LW didn’t say anything about being stalked or the photo being published outside the company, so there’s really no reason to address that. It serves no purpose to help the LW.

          3. Never Boring*

            Seriously, I was PISSED when a former employer posted our direct contact info on the website with no advance warning. I don’t have a stalker now, but there was a time in my life when I had an ex-boyfriend with no boundaries. And I always opt out of work photos if they are going to end up anywhere public.

        2. Ess Ess*

          It is not that unlikely of a possibility. In the last 3 different companies where I worked, someone on the staff had a stalker situation. Two of the companies had to go through a period of time that all public doors to the office were kept locked including the reception entrance to control who could enter for several weeks, and one of companies even had to hire a security person for 2 weeks to stand next to the front door.

          1. Ess Ess*

            I want to add that none of these companies did work that would cause negative interactions with the public, so this would not be a realistic result of a disgruntled customer.

        3. Random Bystander*

          Unfortunately, it isn’t an unlikely possibility. LW might only have a dislike of being photographed without the additional issues (which is entirely legit and should be just as honored as if there were stalking issues involved), but it’s not a “living in fantasy land” consideration.

          I was stalked, my ex (the stalker) did do time for that (actually, the sentence was for violating my first order of protection by stalking me). For several years, I did not allow pictures of my children in the social pictures at their schools or at church, I had an unpublished number that was given on a very strict need-to-know basis (and anyone who was given the number was told that it was absolutely not to be shared). Now my children are all adults, so they can make their own decisions about social media presence, photos in group settings, and so forth, but I still have a preference for no photos of myself.

      3. Jezebella*

        This was my thought, too. There are Reasons a person might not want their picture on social media, and they are all nobody else’s business.

    3. allathian*

      A former manager always wanted photos from every event. Offsites, birthdays, retirement parties, etc.

      I’m not particularly keen on being photographed, but I didn’t think that was a hill worth dying on, but that manager was a very keen amateur photographer, and she’d treat every photo shoot as if it were a photo shoot in a studio. I wouldn’t have minded 5-8 photos to ensure that nobody had their eyes closed or a weird look on their face, but she took at least 50, and by the last photo, I bet I wasn’t the only one who had a rictus-like grin on their face rather than a smile. The best of these photos were published on our intranet, and without exception, it was one of the first photos of the set that was used.

      1. Nicosloanica*

        it seems like at the very least a quiet conversation with the right people beforehand should stop the “front and center” thing. I know plenty of short women who manage to find an unobtrusive space in a photo without ruining it. Note, someone may be pulling you in front of them because *they* want to be hidden.

        1. Myrin*

          Yeah, I have one coworker who doesn’t like being the centre of attention – it’s not specific to photos (he was somewhat uncomfortable with receiving wellwishes for his 60th birthday by the whole team, for example) but photos are one way for him to be perceived which is Does Not Like. He doesn’t outright refuse but he always ends up standing in such a way that someone else covers half his face with their hair or similar. It helps that, while he isn’t small, he isn’t particularly tall, either, and in group photos, of the bunch of people who are in the middle, height-wise – who make up the majority of people in my department -, there’s always someone who is partially hidden behind someone else, just because of how space works.

      2. Aggretsuko*

        One of my coworkers is a former professional photographer, but she works quick (she did weddings) and she makes us look good.

        1. MigraineMonth*

          I was once bridesmaid at a wedding where the bride’s entire family were professional photographers and didn’t seem to be able to turn it off, even though the bride had hired a professional photographer. So the hired person would have us gather to take a few photos, then the bride’s dad would get an idea for a better angle, then the bride’s mother would decide a different backdrop would be better, then the grandparents snuck out of the photo because they wanted to take photos on their cameras…

          It was an extraordinarily well-documented wedding.

          1. Margaret Cavendish*

            I had the same at my wedding! A friend of ours is a really excellent (landscape) photographer – we had no doubt that he would take excellent wedding photos as well, but we wanted him there as a guest, not someone who was there to work.

            This did not stop him from bringing his tripod and his fancy lenses and all the rest, and complaining that the air-quote “professionals” were getting in his way all the time. Fortunately the actual professionals had a sense of humour about it, and there are several photos of him taking pictures of us.

    4. That Coworker's Coworker*

      I worked with a guy who refused to be photographed. He would just walk out of the room when the group photo started to be arranged. Somebody newer would always say “where’s Peter going?”, and somebody who’d been there longer would say “that’s just Peter. He doesn’t get photographed.” At most there might be an eye roll or two, but nobody chased him down or forced him.
      Try just leaving the room, or moving conspicuously out of range, and don’t listen when people object. They’ll stop trying after a few times.

      1. Maryann Spier*

        This is me. I am Peter.

        I have the same anxiety about photos. I don’t understand why everything needs to be photographed and posted, and I don’t understand why asking for consent isn’t the norm.

        1. London Calling*

          This is also me. I have one of the most unphotogenic faces I’ve ever seen – cameras simply do not like me. I didn’t even like being in family pictures as an adult.

          1. Aeryn*

            Same – it really isn’t insecurity or unhappiness with my looks, my mother and husband also agree I look bad in most photos. Unflattering angles, weird facial expressions, etc. I don’t think I’m ugly in real life, but I really, objectively don’t look very good in pictures.

            Ironically, unposed ones where I’m caught in the background usually look ok. The candid photos my friends took of me at my wedding look a million times better than the ones the photographer took.

    5. ferrina*

      I work for a fully remote company (similar to LW), and it is nice to have photos to share across the company. It fosters a sense of connection for many people. If it’s something that LW can do, I would recommend being in some of the photos.

      That said, monthly or even quarterly isn’t necessary. I would say pick one photo each year to join, then opt out of the others. You might be able to get your manager to agree to this compromise; if not, I love That Coworker’s Coworker’s suggestion of just walking away.

      2. Annie*

        I can see that. A lot of people have photos at my company for their Teams photo. But some opt out, and have scenes from their vacation, pets, or other interests as their photos. Others (like me) don’t have a photo at all. I don’t have anything against photos, my family takes a ton of them and I take a ton of them at our family gatherings. I think they’re nice to have for memories, so I’d probably be one of the people taking photos at company get togethers.

        I don’t quite understand the big deal. Just take the photo and get it over with. But that’s just my opinion, obviously other people have strong feelings about that.

      3. MigraineMonth*

        Eh, I have a coworker I’ve worked with on the same remote team for 5 years. He never turns on his camera and doesn’t have a photo on teams. We’re at the same in-person team meeting or luncheon every year or so, and every time I introduce myself and ask him who he is. As long as he’s okay with that, it really isn’t a problem (although I admit I sometimes mix him up with another coworker who also never turns on his camera).

    6. Bitte Meddler*

      I made a joke out of it at one company I interned with. They created a lot of [truly] fun events for the interns and the whole team. Yay! But they loooooved taking a ton of pictures at the events. Booo!

      I told them I hate having my picture taken and they said, “But when we look back at these pictures years from now, how will we know you were there?”

      So I said that my distinctive, frequently-complimented green wristlet, along with my hand would be in the pictures and that they’d always remember me for that.

      Thankfully, they thought it was hilarious and we came up with crazy ways to have just my wristlet and my hand in the photo.

      But at one prior job about 15 years ago, I had to flat-out ask my boss if being in the pictures was a condition of employment. He finally took me seriously after that.

    7. AnotherOne*

      I just (literally last night) had this happen in a zoom. My friends and I do it all the time, but on a work zoom?

      I was sorta wtf? I just wrote it off to cultural differences (the person who did this is Japanese, living in Japan.)

      But did feel better about my response when his American colleague, who he’s known for many years, seemed equally confused.

      I have no issue being photographed but it was odd.

      1. Insufficient Sausage Explainer*

        I’ve been on Zoominars with Japanese participants and speakers where there’s been a screenshot of the Zoom group. I don’t have a functioning camera on my laptop, so I’m always a black rectangle!

    8. not nice, don't care*

      I am thankfully no longer concerned about a stalker/violent person from my past, but I still have trouble being ok with my name/photo attached to my workplace for anyone to see. I would not want to feel pushed into sharing that just to dodge the company cheerleader.

    9. Princess Sparklepony*

      I have sometimes responded with “No thanks, that’s how they steal your soul.” And walking away fast….

  2. Caramel & Cheddar*

    1) I worked somewhere where certain types of roles were required to have headshots on our website and one guy who I assume hates being photographed always posed with his head tilted down while wearing a baseball hat so you couldn’t see his face. This solution probably won’t work in many if not most scenarios, but this was a creative workplace where personality was okay to show in the photos.

    2) The housing market where I live is terrible, so my answer would be “Down payment on a house, so I’d definitely be at work the next day.” Ask silly questions, get annoyingly realistic answers.

    1. Bilateralrope*

      Here a million will be enough to buy a house without a mortgage. But that’s still going to take most of the money.

      Even if I won a jackpot big enough to retire today, I’m still turning up to work the next day. Last I checked, collecting a lotto win that big requires a trip to a different city, so that’s going to wait until I can use PTO for it. I’d probably take a week or two off so it looks like me taking a vacation.

      Once I’ve got the money, then I’m going to plan how I’ll be managing it.

      Only then will I submit my two weeks notice.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Even if I won a jackpot big enough to retire today, I’m still turning up to work the next day.
        Right? I’m going to get some referrals to financial advisers and figure out what the right move is with taxes and such.

        1. Zelda*

          Among the many other considerations y’all have already mentioned, it seems to me one of the best ways to have a good outcome with a lottery win is *remaining anonymous*. A few states don’t allow that (they want identifiable, clearly real winners to boost ticket sales). But money that’s big enough to attract attention, yet not enough to buy your own private island and armed security, can wreck a person’s privacy and peace. Turning up to work the next day is step 1 in keeping it on the QT.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            I don’t even play the lottery, and I am aware that if you win really big, the first step is to keep your mouth shut and continue your normal life, and the next step is to contact a lawyer who specializes in these circumstances.

            This featured on a Leverage episode, and not in a “knowledge so obscure no one in the audience would have known it” way.

            1. MigraineMonth*

              1) Don’t take the lump sum. 2) Get an experienced lawyer. 3) Stay anonymous.

              The truth is, you’ll probably be happier living a more-comfortable version of your current lifestyle with your current friends, family and career than blowing up your entire life for a moment of celebrity only to find out that $1 million isn’t enough to support a truly lavish lifestyle with rich friends but it’s plenty to attract people who always need your money.

              1. Grimalkin*

                Taking the lump sum or not is arguable–I’ve heard it said by those who know finances better than myself that the lump sum’s better when you consider that you can make investment income off the whole bit from day 1, and there’s also one’s life expectancy to consider. It’s at least worth a discussion with someone knowledgeable (said experienced lawyer, or possibly a financial expert) before deciding.
                Points 2 and 3 in your list, though, are definitely on point, with the only caveat being that you stay as anonymous as your specific state’s lottery rules allow you to be. (Another way the US can differ wildly from state to state, as it happens…)

          2. Hannah Lee*

            This is so true!

            And in keeping with that, if I had my wits about me and felt like snapping back at a bad interview question, I might answer “how do you know I haven’t already?” with the same look that HR person had given me.

        2. Project Manager*

          Yes, this! It’s not like those jackpots pay out next day, and the inheritance I received from my grandmother took a year and a half for me to receive it – bills don’t wait for the payout.

        4. Never Boring*

          And I have a job with human beings as clients, many of whom have very complicated personal situations that I am best equipped to deal with. I would really have to be backed into a corner to put with no notice.

      2. Ally McBeal*

        And lottery wins specifically are physically dangerous – I would never quit my job right away, lest my coworkers realize what’s happened. Every piece of advice I’ve read about winning the lottery says at the very top TELL NO ONE until you can hire a fiduciary and a lawyer, which ideally would be done even before you notify the lottery operator. I’d wait a couple weeks and then resign as if I’d gotten a new job. I’d probably lie and say I’m shifting to freelancing and update my LinkedIn bio with that info as a cover story.

        Of course this all assumes a gigantic payout, not $1M. With $1M I’d just buy a house and a car (which in my area would take about half the funds) and invest the rest, keeping my day job indefinitely.

        1. Aggretsuko*

          Unfortunately, some states don’t let you be anonymous and win the lottery, so you may very well be outed and quickly.

          I don’t even play the lottery.

        2. WillowSunstar*

          Yeah, I also live alone as a single woman and would absolutely not publicize it. My state is such you can keep it secret if you win. For safety alone, I would totally do that.

      3. Samwise*

        Exactly. Who do they want to hire — someone who keeps a cool head in an unexpected situation, or someone who starts flinging $$$ around without any thought?

        Consult with accountant, lawyer, and financial planner. Collect the money. Pay the taxes. Invest most of the money. Pay off mortgage, do some fun stuff / buy some fun stuff. Keep working.

        You can’t live forever on a million bucks, even without the tax bite.

        1. MassMatt*

          The question was strange both in what are they trying to find out and the borderline hostile way they asked it.

          I would definitely not quit the next day, I might retire sooner but not immediately. Even if it were a bigger payout I probably would give notice while I got my taxes and estate planning in place.

          1. NotBatman*

            >The question was strange both in what are they trying to find out and the borderline hostile way they asked it.

            Right? What would a “correct” answer even be? Give it all to nonprofits? Buy my cats a lifetime supply of feeder mice? Retire and adopt 12 children? Buy stock in this company? I can’t come up with anything that’d give a good impression in this context.

            1. I Have RBF*

              Seriously, my answer would be:

              “Actually, I would show up to work the next day, because lottery wins never pay out immediately. Once I was able to turn in the ticket and receive payout, less the taxes, I would decide whether or not there was a sufficient amount remaining to retire on, with the aid of a financial advisor. If so, I would give a standard two weeks notice. If not, I wouldn’t mention it.”

              1. Paulina*

                Yes, such decisions shouldn’t be taken precipitously. And a lot about how long someone might stay in their job, after reaching the potential for retirement, could depend on job satisfaction — and in a job interview, the prospective new employee doesn’t know what their job satisfaction is going to be like.

          2. ThursdaysGeek*

            I had a co-worker who won a million in the lottery! And it enabled her to retire a bit sooner than originally planned, but she did not quit immediately either.

        2. My Useless Two Cents*

          Personal observations about sad lottery winner tales: 75% are because people stop working and get bored, 20% are because people trust the wrong person, 5% are truly tragic & unforeseeable situations.

          The financial security of $1M is appealing but if you are younger than 65 it is retire money. It’s pay off my debt, invest for the future, and probably get that new car I’ve been needing for the last 5 years.

          1. Hannah Lee*

            One story that always stuck with me was about a 30-ish single woman who won more than enough to be generous with people in her life and never work again.

            When interviewed years later, her big regret was not up-front splitting the ticket with her siblings and parents. She had more money than she could ever need and would have been happy to share.

            Because though they were all still close, the family dynamics were all messed up … if she wanted to do something fun with family, while she was happy to splurge on it and they were happy to come, they felt like they owed her something, or had to ask her if they spent money she had gifted them on xyz.

            She said she’d much rather they each had their own pile of money so no one felt dependent or controlling or obligations to anyone. The disparity in wealth between them created tensions that could have been avoided. She was realistic there would have likely been different issues if they’d claimed the winnings together, but she at least wouldn’t have been the gate keeper and each person could go their own way if needed.

        1. MigraineMonth*

          I might take a few days off due to the anxiety spiral (or grief, in the case of the inheritance), but I’m certainly not instantly quitting my job.

      5. ferrina*

        right?! Buying a house in my area would take a major portion of the winnings; with the rest, I’m going to try to catch up my retirement fund from the long-term damage of both the Great Recession and Covid.

        Anything left over wouldn’t be nearly enough for me to live off of long-term. As a bonus, my family has no generational wealth and offered no support in my early career, and that’s takes an impact finances. I’ve found that my colleagues that come from generational wealth (even 1 generation) have bonuses like no student loans (I’m in the U.S.), their parents helped them in their early career either financially, through letting them live with them, or through networking support, and they can count on getting an inheritance. It’s given them a very different approach toward money.

        1. MigraineMonth*

          I had all these advantages. It’s not a mystery why either; I can trace the source of my family’s generational wealth pretty directly to racist G.I. Bill and federal Housing policy in my grandparents’ generation, and my parents’ decision to buy their house in a largely white area.

      6. WillowSunstar*

        Right, I’d say talk to a financial advisor and follow their advice, whatever it may be. I have a cousin who was involved in some unlawful activity such that I couldn’t go public with it with my family, so I’d have to at least keep working til I got laid off. Maybe buy a low end townhome or duplex and get out of my crappy apartment, because multi-family housing sucks. Then maybe find a low key, hopefully not stressful admin job so that it doesn’t appear that I’m rich, but don’t have to do a ton of stuff daily, and I can honestly say that I work.

      7. Ess Ess*

        EXACTLY!!! I have always said that I am not doing/saying anything to anyone until I have the money in my bank account. Something can always go wrong. I’m not claiming the money until I talk to a lawyer, accountant, and a financial advisor. If I need to take time from work to deal with that, I will have a “family emergency”. Once I had my money, unless my job treats me badly, I would still give 2-week notice as a courtesy to my coworkers but not tell anyone why I was leaving. I’d just say I was moving to a new location. If I was going to just leave without notice, if there were any coworkers that I like and felt bad about dumping work on then I’d ‘pay them off’ with a small (to me at that point) amount (like $1000) to make up for the mess I’d be causing them.

      8. Annie*

        Exactly to all of this. I wouldn’t just quite right away without making sure everything was in place. And one million dollars? It would be a nice bonus, life-changing in the way of giving you a chance to buy a house if you don’t have one, but not enough that you would quit your job to live on a beach and drink margaritas all day.

      9. Hohumdrum*

        Not to sound like a dweeb but I actually love my job and would still work doing it even if I didn’t need the money (I work with kids, idgaf about the business itself but I find my actual day to day time with the kids meaningful and impactful).

        but I absolutely would transition to part time if I were rich and spend a lot more of my time not at work, that’s for sure!

    2. GammaGirl1908*

      Right? Once I paid off my condo and credit card, made a couple of investments, and put some away for taxes, I’d be right back at work. It would take AT LEAST ten times that for me to call in rich and quit my job.

      That said, the things I would do with that money would help me retire much earlier. But that’s very different from quitting tomorrow.

        1. NotBatman*

          YES. I have a friend who is waiting on a ~$25,000 settlement, and is acting like she’s about to strike it rich. I’m like, that’s less than you make in a year. Drop it in a savings account, then thank your past self next time your car breaks down.

      2. Richard Hershberger*

        Yup. The interviewer likely thought of a million dollars as retire-to-Tuscany money, when it really is not, and has not been for many years.

        1. Sweet Summer Child*

          Exactly. Is this a list of questions from 1982? This DID happen to me. Rest in peace, parents. I went to a financial advisor who said congratulations, with careful investing, no excessive spending of the capital, and keeping YOUR JOB…you can buy a house in the $250,000 range and retire at 63.
          I’m 51.
          So these people are looking for a fight. Bullet dodged.

          1. not nice, don't care*

            Yeah, I would have to get up and walk out of that interview, after telling them why.

            1. Sweet Summer Child*

              I wish I could. I would not know what to say: “I don’t know who hurt you, but in the real world, grown ups don’t come up with no win hypotheticals, accuse each of lying, and, and, and do whatever this offensive (not defensive) play this is.”

              1. Paulina*

                Yes, the biggest difficulty this question presents is trying to quickly come up with how to answer it without revealing that I think the interviewer is being an idiot in asking it.

        1. Chili*

          I think they take out taxes in some situations but not all. Either way, property taxes are high where I live so I’d absolutely put money aside to pay those. Mortgage or not, property taxes continue.

        2. londonedit*

          In the UK our national lottery is tax-free for the prize money itself, but if you then earn interest on your winnings the interest is taxed as usual.

        3. Antilles*

          In many states in the US, you have a choice to either get a lump sum and owe taxes on the entire thing next April OR get it as an annuity for the next X years in which case you owe taxes on every year’s payment.
          But in either case, lottery winnings are typically taxed at a rate higher than your normal rate, so the general ballpark figure is that 50% of the winnings will go to taxes. And if that interviewer thinks an after-tax take home pay of $500,000 is enough to retire for the next X decades of my life, that’s beyond crazy.

          1. Pescadero*

            ” lottery winnings are typically taxed at a rate higher than your normal rate,”

            All income is taxed at the same rate, including lottery winnings.

            Due to lump sum payouts – the tax rate WITHHELD might be higher than your normal check, but at the end of the year… the source of the income does not matter – it’s all taxed the same.

            1. Antilles*

              That might be true federally, but states can (and do) have special taxes on lottery winnings that treat it as different from salaried income.

            2. not a valid source of financial advice*

              All income is taxed at the same rate.

              No, it’s not? Read up on qualified dividends, or capital gains.

              Lottery winnings don’t get a special tax rate, though, that part is true.

            3. not nice, don't care*

              Hopefully you’d consult with a financial/tax advisor, because it sounds like you need one.

          2. Great Frogs of Literature*

            Yeah, $500,000 is a lot of money, but it’s a “count in years of salary” number. While I could quit my job and live on the payout for a bit, that sounds like a way to be job-searching again, with rusty skills, in probably at most ten years.

      4. Falling Diphthong*

        It would take AT LEAST ten times that for me to call in rich and quit my job.
        One of the most disconcerting reads for me in the past few years was Dava Shastri’s Last Day, in which the billionaire has given each child a $10 million trust fund and that felt chintzy. An emotion I never expected to have about a $10 million trust fund.

        It’s “I can invest this wisely, stop working, and live a comfortable middle class existence with some travel” money.

        (Relatedly, I have become convinced there is no amount of money that someone bad with money can’t manage to blow in 1-2 years.)

        2. Guacamole Bob*

          I think it was Warren Buffett who had originally planned to do something like this for his kids – he framed it as “enough money to do anything but not enough to do nothing.” But I read that quite a few years ago so the actual amounts may have been different and I think his kids have all gotten involved with his family’s philanthropic work anyway.

          I do think there’s an amount of money it takes hard work to get rid of, though that amount is way above any lottery winnings. Mackenzie Scott has been giving away literal billions to charity but it’s taken time, because figuring out how to give that much away responsibly isn’t all that easy. Plus at some points the stock market has been doing well enough that her assets were growing almost faster than she could give them away.

          1. Cedrus Libani*

            I do know someone who gives away her family’s money for a living, and if you do it the right way, it’s a full time job and then some. This was a career track she chose as a youngster, with her family’s blessing, and she got the right education and training to be credible in the NGO space even if she wasn’t also funding the agencies she was on the boards of.

            I don’t know exactly how much she has, but it’s at least 2-3 zeros beyond Buffet’s “can do anything but can’t do nothing”. That’s not $1M to me; I own what might be the cheapest habitable single-family house in the zip code and that wouldn’t even cover what I still owe on it. $10M, sure. I would still work, but maybe my next job would be chosen on interest and/or flexibility rather than pay.

            1. I Have RBF*

              The amount remaining from a $1M win, after taxes (~$500K), would pay off my house and debts, but a new vehicle, and let me level up my stock portfolios. I would still need to work.

          2. Hannah Lee*

            I can’t remember which charitable foundation this comment was from, but the person interviewed said one of the most challenging things in giving away money is figuring the right amount to give to a particular charity/initiative.

            While the first step is identifying and deciding on the right recipients ie finding ones whose work is in line with your charitable mission and vetting them for ethics, and ability to make an impact.

            The next question of how much, for what, over what period of time is an important one, because a potentially worthwhile organization can be ruined by too big a grant, or one given willy nilly. If they don’t have the skills, organizational structure or non-monetary resources to use it effectively they run aground quickly.

            That was something I’d never considered … it’s much more complex than just giving away buckets of money to well vetted organizations.

        3. ferrina*

          (Relatedly, I have become convinced there is no amount of money that someone bad with money can’t manage to blow in 1-2 years.)

          Now I want to re-watch Brewster’s Millions.
          And I want a remake that includes NFTs and crypto.

        5. Hannah Lee*

          (Relatedly, I have become convinced there is no amount of money that someone bad with money can’t manage to blow in 1-2 years.)

          And many professional athletes with multi-million dollar contracts could prove your case.

    3. allathian*

      Yeah. A million would allow me to ensure a comfortable retirement, and a larger nest-egg for our son. I might opt to look for part-time work in my field, or negotiate a part-time contract with my employer (not in the US), but I wouldn’t quit on a million. I doubt I’d quit even if I won 10 million, but I’d certainly set up a fund to ensure that my sister has funding for her research projects for as long as she wants to continue working.

      1. Former Librarian of SHIELD*

        For sure. It might allow me to retire a few years earlier than I had originally planned, but it’s not “quit my job this minute” money.

    4. EStein*

      Same. A medium-sized house (3 br, 2 ba) in my area costs over a million dollars. College for my kids is on track to cost tens of thousands of dollars per semester. I would definitely be at work the next day.

    5. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      Yeah, somehow I don’t think “pay off the mortgage, invest enough to pay for my kid’s education, and see what’s left after that” is going to satisfy them, but it’s my honest answer. In my area they’d need to up that number by a lot for it to be “never have to work again” money.

      1. Richard Hershberger*

        Upon reflection, I would slice off two portions: one for charity and the second for mad money. Then the bulk would go into an index fund. Boring!

        1. Hannah Lee*

          This! Though for me the Mad Money would include 2 years of living expenses in account that I can use to set all my recurring expenses to auto-pay. Because that’s always been my dream … to set and forget stuff I pay monthly and know there’s enough money there to pay it for x number of months. (obviously I’d monitor activity)

          Though friends would tell me that’s me thinking like a poor person.
          Really rich people would hire a professional financial manager to handle all that stuff like payments for car insurance and utilities.

      2. ferrina*

        That’s exactly what I would do too! And yeah, what’s left over would make life much more comfortable, but it’s definitely not “quit my job” money. It would be incredibly naive to think I could live the rest of my life off of that. Doing the rough math (not counting taxes paid on winnings, paying off mortgage, kids’ tuition, and funding my retirement account to where it would be if there wasn’t a Great Recession, Covid and a personal emergency), that would end up being less than 7 years salary for me.
        I have much more than 7 years left before retirement.

        It would definitely make life more comfortable, but it’s not “quit my job” money.

        1. MsSolo (UK)*

          Treating it as £1m, it’s around 15 times our household income, which could potentially take us to early retirement, except we wouldn’t be putting anything into our pensions during that time, so we wouldn’t be able to (very similar to the Dear Prudence letter in that respect!). With the interest rates in the UK, it might actually stretch further to pay off the mortgage first (half paid off and I’m paying more now than when we took it out), and then without the mortgage the amount we need monthly would drop far enough we could eke it out a bit longer.

    6. Over Analyst*

      Yeah number 2 is just such a bad question. Even if I won hundreds of millions, I’d plan on keeping my day job. I enjoy what I do and I need to do SOMETHING to keep my sanity. Besides that, $1M after taxes would pay off my student loans and other bills and probably pay a down payment on a house. Maybe I could go on a small vacation after. It’s DEFINITELY not “quit your job” money.

      1. Pastor Petty Labelle*

        That’s how I was until my student loans were forgiven, yeah by the time my student loans are paid off, after taxes, I am just at debt free stage,not quit your job stage.

        Even with them paid off, its peace of mind stage,not quit your job stage. This question was most likely asked in the last 10 years when it wasn’t true even 10 years ago that $1 million was quit your job money for most people.

        It was a terrible question. OP had the right response with, I wouldn’t have taken the job if offered after that.

        1. Pastor Petty Labelle*

          Just realized where the $1 million came from and why they acted like you would quit the next day. There’s an old metric that you should have a million dollars in retirement savings to live comfortably in retirement. Therefore, if you got a million dollars of course you would retire.

          What the question doesn’t get is, that’s if you retire at 65, not whenever you get the million dollars. Because the earlier you stop working, the more money you need to live on. So its still not well thought out and a terrible question.

          1. Dandylions*

            Yeah I was wondering that myself. Of course it’s assumed you are retiring with minimal expenses having paid off your house, or even that you will get a big cash inflow selling your large home for a smaller “retirement” home. Not to mention it assumes you are going to live at most 20 years after retirement and that all of that money is invested in an investment account of tiered assets relative to your years left in retirement.

          2. Bee*

            And it’s not even a million anymore unless you’re currently 65 – I’m 35 now and the metric I’m seeing is three million for me to retire in 30 years.

          3. Willow*

            If you invest the money you should be able to live indefinitely drawing 4% every year. The problem is that $40K/year isn’t enough in most places in the US anymore, especially if you factor in health care costs as you age.

    7. Dandylions*

      Even an hour commute from NYC with today’s prices and mortgage rates you can find nice 3 bedroom homes for under $500,000. This glib answer would probably come across like you were out of touch while trying to prove how out of touch they are….

      2. Emmy Noether*

        One of my top priorities having a lot of money would be to NEVER have a bad commute again, certainly not an hour! (And even as it is now, I will never ever commute by car again in my life if I can help it.)

        Buying oneself time and easy access to nice things (whether that is culture, food, sports, nature, travel,… – whatever floats one’s boat) is the real luxury. So spending that money on living exactly where one prefers seems like a good investment to me.

          1. Dandylions*

            The average house price w/in an hour of NYC is also over a million … but that’s because averages are highly skewed by the highest and lowest priced houses even if there are plenty of more affordable homes in the median price range.

        2. Myrin*

          I mean, it’s pretty normal where I’m from and I did it for years and didn’t mind it. Like sure, would’ve been nice if it had been shorter, but I much preferred living in my hometown + longer commute to living in the crowded city I felt uncomfortable in + short commute.

          1. LL*

            I didn’t say it wasn’t normal, I said why would anybody WANT one. If I won the lottery, I would not move somewhere that caused me to have an hour-long commute.

        3. UKDancer*

          That is pretty normal commuting time for London I think. I mean central London is too expensive for most people to live who work there. Certainly too expensive for them to buy something. I mean I’m in zone 4 and my commute is about 120-130 minutes. A lot of my colleagues are further out still.

        4. Bee*

          My commute within NYC is 50 minutes (if everything goes right) and I only do it twice a week and if I got even $500k of free money I would ABSOLUTELY move closer in. I put up with this commute only because the rent is cheap!!!

      4. T.N.H*

        The average housing price in my zip code is $1.5 million. It’s extremely common in big cities for that to be the case. Also, not that the interviewers care about the details, but you aren’t walking away with a million, more like half that.

      5. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

        If I had an extra million I sure as hell wouldn’t use it to buy myself a longer commute!

      6. Caramel & Cheddar*

        I was talking about where I live, not NYC or even the United States. Where I live, the average detached home price is $1.3 million. A one bedroom condo that’s about 450 sq ft is around $800k in my neighbourhood. The people interviewing me would be aware of this because the housing crisis is a major, major news item here.

      7. Hell in a Handbasket*

        I find this hard to believe. I live in NH and there are no nice 3 bedroom homes in my area for under $500,000. Even if it’s true, who wants to move to the boonies and take on an hour-long commute after winning the lottery?

      8. DameB*

        That’s an interesting take on this situation. Do you think most people choose their homes based entirely on the commute being about an hour? Nothing about community ties, atmosphere, family, tradition, quality of life, access to culture and restaurants and good schools?

        I live in a very expensive city and an hour away is, yes, much less expensive, but also I’d have to buy a car and drive everywhere (which, btw, adds up pretty damned fast and would really eat into the “savings” I got for moving that far).

        I would lose my neighbors, with whom I’ve spent 25 years building relationships. I would lose access to the restaurants and schools that drew me here and be stuck eating at Chili’s and shopping at a dying mall.

        I’d be surrounded by neighbors who have very very VERY different cultural and political priorities than me. My child would have to go to a school that didn’t value the same things I want.

        I’m not a spring chicken and I want to plan for a future in which I don’t need to drive — I’m watching my parents struggle with this right now, they live far from anything and really can’t drive after dark.

        Not to mention the enormous environmental impacts of suburban sprawl — environmentalism is a major priority for me. I recognize it’s not the priority for everyone, becasue everyone has different priorities.

        Finally, I grew up just outside NYC and I would rather lose my pinky finger than deal with a one hour commute into the city.

        1. Bike Walk Barb*

          All of this except for growing up outside NYC. My husband and I downsized into a home small enough to manage, one level, room for me to grow some food, near a bus line and with easy bike/walk access to our downtown core and services we need. We’re planning for our not-driving future and wanted a smaller environmental footprint.

          Research going back to the time of the Romans shows that most people prefer a 30-minute commute max, regardless of mode used. If our housing markets weren’t so skewed I imagine many of the people driving an hour each way would reconsider and potentially take the gift of time spent living a life, not dwelling in traffic. And given the effects of lots and lots of steel boxes all trying to occupy the same space, that involves a lot of frustration. 30 minutes on my bike is a good time, fresh air, exercise and community connection. 30 minutes on the bus is time to read or knit or cut back some of the email underbrush and maybe seeing a neighbor or that one guy who always gets on at the same stop with his bike so he feels like a neighbor even though we’ve never met.

    8. learnedthehardway*

      What a stupid interview question!! Makes you wonder if someone who worked there won the lottery and quit the next day – even so, the odds of that happening twice are vanishingly small, though.

      $1 million is nice, but not “quit your job and retire” money. It’s “buy a house”, “pay off student loans”, “top up my retirement contributions”, “pay for my kids’ college/university”, and “take a nice vacation” money.

      1. Emmy Noether*

        Statistics nitpick: the odds of it happening a second time when it has already happened once are the same as it happening once at a place it hasn’t happened yet (because the second time is independent of the first). In other words, the probability of going from 1 to 2 are the same as from 0 to 1. It’s going from 0 to 2 that has the odds squared.

        The odds may even go up, because more people may buy lottery tickets if their colleague just won.

        Of course, the odds of winning the lottery even once are very small to begin with.

        1. NotBatman*

          I teach stats, and cackled out loud at this comment. Gambler’s Fallacy comes back to bite us all.

      2. Teapot, Groomer of Llamas*

        Exactly. After taxes, I’ll have enough to pay off my loans and buy a decent car and that’s about it. Would it be life changing? For sure since my loans take up such a huge part of my income, but for sure not quit my job money.

    9. Laura*

      I live in a HCOL town in a HCOL metro area. Out of ~40 houses for sale right now, only 2 are below a million (but also, houses here tend to go around 10% over asking).

    10. DameB*

      Esp after taxes! Like, if my take home for a million is really more like $400K (windfall tax in my state is A Thing), that’ going to make a modest down payment at best.

    11. Indolent Libertine*

      If the announced prize is $1 million, and you opt to take a lump sum instead of payouts over 20 years, which is how the lottery works in my state, then with taxes being taken out up front my understanding is that your actual net received will be on the order of $500-600K. Where I am, that’s way nicer to have than not, but it’s nowhere near “never have to work again” money. Even if what they meant was that you actually get a full million right now, it’s still not really “quit working forever as of tomorrow” money.

      So I guess what I’d take away from that question is that the interviewers are pretty disconnected from reality, and that would certainly color my perception of whether I wanted to work in that environment.

    12. Coverage Associate*

      My husband stands to inherit more than a million, less than 10, part of it in 2 fully paid off houses in our very general area, so this is something I have been thinking about for a long time. (Yes, my husband’s inheritance is his separate property, but He’s my husband. I don’t expect him to be a jerk.)

      Definitely, leaving aside the grieving process, I would be at work basically the next day. As more of the assets came under his control, I would eventually have a conversation with my bosses about changing to a kind of dream job where I could pick my cases, and since we don’t love the region where we live, especially if family isn’t here, it would probably be a fully remote role.

      But I enjoy many aspects of my work, and the studies on people who retire without a plan for spending their time don’t recommend it. And while of course I have hobbies I wish I could spend more time on, I need the structure of a job or a class to do them for more than a few hours per week.

      And while I would never lay this out in an interview, I do think about what it means for my work now in terms of building trust with my bosses and what projects I volunteer for and promotions I seek.

    13. Hats Are Great*

      I live in a high cost-of-living area, I’d buy a fucking house in my preferred school district that was near to the amenities I like in the area, and go to work the next day!

      Honestly a million MIGHT pay for the whole house, but a lot of houses here that are just normal family houses go for $1.2, $1.5M, so I might still be paying a mortgage on the rest of it!

    14. Reed Weird (they/them)*

      I mean, if I won a million I wouldn’t be at work the next day. I would be home with my partner finding a specialized lawyer and financial advisor, and pulling together the information to make a game plan. The game plan would involve such luxuries as paying off student loans and other debts, buying a car for my partner that isn’t held together with duct tape, paying for sibling’s college and setting up funds for my niblings’ college, and then the bulk of it is going into savings/investments with maybe a few thousand to throw at my friends and interesting Kickstarters. I’m in my twenties, a million dollars isn’t nearly enough to quit a job; at most it makes it more likely that I will be able to retire at all.

  3. Thepuppiesareok*

    OP1 please speak up. There are a lot of reasons to not want to be part of photos. I’ve known people that were militant about declining being in photos. This was because for their personal safety they had to keep their online presence as limited as possible. That meant no photos at all. Personally I just find it a major waste of time and decline when I can for this reason.

    1. Allonge*

      Yes, please raise this (in a non-photo-adjacent moment)!

      Over here in GDPR-land you would have a very firm ground to stand on just saying no, but I would hope that no matter where you are, even a halfway decent boss will internalise that this is a problem for you on a different scale than for most people. It really is ok not to want to be in group / individual pics.

      1. English Rose*

        Also in GDPR-land here (UK), and our company asks each new employee if they consent to being photographed – their answer goes on their personal record and if they say no, then no questions, no second-guessing, no controversy. (The only exception is everyone has to have a photo for their security pass, but rather that than embedding microchips!)

        Sorry you’re not being taken seriously with this, OP.

        1. Frontlinesquid*

          Oh heck yes. OP, I am a fellow non-photos-person and I agree with everyone.

          A couple of points and active strategies:
          1. Why is it important that you’re in the photo? Physically? What’s going on their end?

          Fully admit I don’t know the complexities. One strategy that has worked is drawing myself (as a terrible stick figure) on a post-it note and being like ‘can you hold this so that I’m in the photo and I’m there?’ has worked. In small teams of 3-4, so does ‘how about we draw us all on a post it and we can submit that for team building/reporting reasons’

          1. Chili*

            Taking group photos is one of those things that people who like it can’t see why anyone else would not like it. They also sometimes feel like their own experience is diminished if anyone opts out.

            1. Spooz*

              Yes absolutely. I think this is an important reason not to get caught up in elaborate explanations – it encourages the “but it’s fun!” brigade to view them as problems to solve so everyone can enjoy the thrill of the group photo. Not that this boss sounds totally awful, just a bit clueless, but reasons are for reasonable people.

              Never JADE: justify, argue, defend or explain. No thank you is enough. Pleasant but firm. It ain’t what you say, it’s the way that you say it. You don’t need to justify yourself, this is not some monstrous thing that you’re asking for.

              1. Allonge*

                I agree with never JADE in general and for the photo moments.

                I would explain myself to the boss in a separate meeting, so boss will take this seriously and can put an end to the objections from the rest of the team and support OP in the moment. No more details are needed than what OP shared here!

                OP does not say what the photos are used for, but if it’s just general commemoration of the in-person days, it’s really not necessary to cause such distress. But I would recommend a separate meeting so as not to have to discuss this in front of everyone, when boss and photo-coworker are in ‘Photos, yay!!!’ mode.

    2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I’ve had success with “oh, I can’t be in photos” with no further explanation and a cheerful smile. You do have to be consistent, though, including asking for photos to be removed or deleted if they are taken.

  4. MPerera*

    If I won a million dollars, I would still show up for work the next day because it would take time for me to decide what to do with the money and how to do it. And until that happens, I’d like my life to continue the same as before, rather than being one of those lottery winners you read about who let it go to their heads, spend their time partying and end up miserable.

    That’s what I’d say in response to the question, anyway, and if the interviewers still think I’m lying, that’s not the sort of place I’d want to work.

    1. Hroethvitnir*

      Absolutely! Even if $1M was worth what it was, say, in the 80s, quitting on the spot is just weird. Unless you hated your job, of course. At the very least you really don’t want people finding out if you suddenly become rich. :(

      1. Chirpy*

        I mean, I do hate my job, but I still wouldn’t quit for several months. First you have the legal stuff, then I’d buy a house, wait for the sale to go through, and maybe take a few weeks vacation to job hunt full time (or cut my hours to give myself more time) first.

        A million dollars gets me a $300k house (average for my area) and time to find a better job, basically.

        1. Hroethvitnir*

          Yep! I thought I should include it for the people who are One Last Thing from quitting as it is, but overall these things take time and planning.

      2. MigraineMonth*

        Even if it were $100M and I had it all in my bank account, it would be unprofessional to quit without notice. Even if I never needed a reference again, there’s still projects I’d want to transition and coworkers I’d want to maintain friendly relations with.

        (Obviously, there are cases where quitting without notice is justified, but that would be if the job were abusive or there were an emergency; just being able to retire doesn’t qualify.)

    2. WishIWasATimeTraveller*

      I would definitely quit my job if I won a million dollars (no windfall gains tax where I live) but I’d still show up to work the next day because it would take time to arrange everything financially and hand over my work.
      If I inherited it, my answer would be I’d take time off to grieve whoever left it to me!

      1. ecnaseener*

        Handing off work, yeah – even if I was going to quit I’d still give some notice! It makes the “next day” phrasing that much more ludicrous.

    3. Emmy Noether*

      I’d also show up for work the next day.

      For one, 1M, even if that’s after taxes, is not enough to live on for the next ~50 years for my husband and me, and support our children while they’re minors and through their studies. Like, not even close to enough. So we’ll still need income. That money would be enough to live more comfortably, or work less hours, or take a sabbatical, but all that takes planning.

      The second thing is that large windfalls like that are better kept secret.

    4. Allonge*

      I mean – I might take the next day off to think about what this means for me exactly!

      But instant quitting would not be an option for me even if the money I get is literally never work again scale. I am interested and invested in at least half the things I do at work and I would not want to dramatically inconvenience my coworkers for anything I am working on.

      Sure, I might get hit by a bus and they would have to deal, but in hte won a million dollars scenario I would have more control. And I don’t particularly appreciate that a prospective employer would not consider that I would be a professional about quitting even if I ended up quitting.

      1. MigraineMonth*

        Honestly, I’d probably be in an anxiety spiral the next day if I won the lottery. (One of several reasons I don’t play!)

        If I suddenly inherited money, I’d probably call out too because that would mean a relative close enough to me to leave me money had died.

    5. Kindred Spirit*

      I would certainly show up at work the following day. Unless it’s in the local news, no one I work with would know because they wouldn’t hear from me. In response to the question, I’d probably say that I would pay off the mortgage, help our adult kids with a down payment if they want to buy a home, give some to our favorite nonprofit orgs, and invest the rest.

    6. Jennifer @unchartedworlds*

      Same! I would stick it in the bank and take some time to think. Next day is too soon to make changes.

      Even in the longer term, I probably wouldn’t leave a job over that kind of money if I mostly liked what I was doing.

      Also, I would never want to work for someone so outrageously rude. You think you can read my mind, and you’re so sure of it that you’re pre-emptively accusing me of lying? No no no. I might even have walked out.

      1. tommy*

        I would stick it in the bank and take some time to think. Next day is too soon to make changes.

        i love this answer, jennifer. no matter how much the money is, plenty of people would want to take some time to consider any huge life changes!

      2. HonorBox*

        Yeah that kind of adversarial question would rub me wrong for sure. And I would certainly put some emphasis on my answer that I don’t appreciate someone assuming anything.

      3. MigraineMonth*

        I notice that the person pre-emptively accusing a potential employee of lying… is the HR person. I’m definitely not going to feel comfortable reporting any issues to her if this is her approach to a softball interview question.

    7. londonedit*

      Yeah, I live in London so a million pounds isn’t going to get you all that far – I’d put the money in an account with as high an interest rate as possible, and then I’d start looking for a modest flat that I could buy outright, and then I’d keep the rest in the bank as a maintenance fund for said flat. I definitely wouldn’t have enough left over to stop working.

      I’m not really sure what they wanted or expected people to say, and it was really rude of them to do the condescending ‘And don’t tell us you’d come to work’ thing. I’d definitely have to keep working, as would most people I think! A million is really not ‘retire and live off your winnings’ money these days.

      1. Allonge*

        Exactly!

        I don’t think they realise how much this says about their thinking / organisational culture either: is it really so much ‘every man for himself’? Do they really expect zero consideration for others on what anyone drops from one day to the next (at least in this ideal-case scenario)? Are they really a place that anyone who can, would leave without thinking the moment they can?

      2. UKDancer*

        Yes, I agree. It doesn’t go far in London. I’d probably pay off the mortgage as that would help a lot with my quality of life. Then I’d have a nice week away in my favourite holiday resort with a better room than usual. Then I’d invest the rest so I could retire early.

        I mean I wouldn’t be able to afford to stop working on that money.

    8. Audrey Puffins*

      I’d definitely continue showing up to work. I like what I do, I like the people I do it with, I like where I do it. But knowing I had a million in my back pocket would mean that if the day came when I no longer liked something enough, I’d be less likely to merely tolerate it and would feel very comfortable pushing back against it with vigour, knowing that I could afford to walk whenever I wanted to

    9. Tiger Snake*

      The start of the answer probably needs to be “I’d have to think about it more. I like working because it fulfills my desire to be productive and part of a valuable mission, so a life of leisure is not going to make me happy. It’s why I was excited for the opportunity to interview here.”

      Me, I would probably say I might talk to my manager about whether there was a way to do my job remotely as I’d love to build a custom home in the big famous area near where my family’s farm (and therefore my family) are, but that wouldn’t be possible without such a windfall.

      1. WeirdChemist*

        I mean I think most people would give an answer similar to yours, whether they were sincere about it or not, because it’s a more “correct” answer in an interview setting. No one’s going to say, in a job interview, “I’d leave you all in the dust the second I got the chance!” My guess is the interviewer was trying to cut those types of answers off at the pass to get to the answers they wanted (ie what are the candidate’s hobbies, life goals, etc). They of course went about it in a way that was weirdly off-putting and aggressive, and it’s overall a bad question.

        Or they’re really trying to self-select for impulsive and flaky candidates! In which case, more power to them I guess?

        1. MigraineMonth*

          This is among the worst framings I’ve ever heard if they were trying to ask the candidate about their hobbies.

          Maybe they wanted to know the candidate’s “dream job” and didn’t want the candidate to answer “this one I applied for, I really really have a passion for proofreading other people’s T-20 reports.”

          1. Tiger Snake*

            I don’t think it was hobbies they were looking for.

            For a good organisation, I think what they were looking for was to understand your VALUES. Its why my example points back to “I find work fulfilling because I believe in mission objective rather than busyness, I like my family and I have strong ‘roots’.”. All of those are true, but I’m also purposely presenting them in a way that is makes them all very positive AND shows that I want to balance them including my work.

            For a bad organisation, I think they were looking to see how desperate you were.

            1. Tiger Snake*

              Meanwhile, for others here talking about how they’d need to talk to their accountant – that’s showing their character and values too. It shows they are thoughtful, that they’re more planners than impulsive, and it shows that they value and find fulfilment in structure and stability.

    10. The Original K.*

      Yep. $1M gross isn’t never work again money, so I’d meet with my accountant and financial advisor and figure out what to do. My coworkers wouldn’t know any of that. If I won never work again money, I would not work, but my coworkers wouldn’t know why I was quitting – I’d get my affairs in order and resign to “pursue other opportunities.”

    11. Lizzy May*

      I’ve given this way too much thought but at my age, I would need to keep working for at least ten more years if I got a million dollars today. That million could pay off my mortgage (pre-pay now and payout at my renewal date to avoid penalties. My current rate is low enough that I’d made more invested than I’d lose in interest), add to my savings and I would have a fun money budget based on my returns year after year but I couldn’t stop working just yet.

      A job is income coming in, plus benefits, plus contributions to various retirement funds. I would like to live well into my 90s and would like to be comfortable. Old age can be very expensive. So I’d keep a job (maybe not my current job), travel in my free time, indulge in a few more expensive purchases but with a plan for a long life.

      1. I Have RBF*

        Yeah, I figure the minimum lump sum winning that I would need, before taxes, to maintain my lifestyle into retirement would be ~$10M. That would leave ~$5M after taxes, and, if I managed trusts and stock portfolios correctly, would last me into my 90s. That assumes an average outflow of ~$175K/year, with the higher amounts weighted later (inflation plus medical expenses.) This would pay off my house and credit cards, but a new vehicle, grow my investment portfolio, and then be able to move to a nice retirement area.

        TL; DR: I could retire now if I had $5M in the bank after taxes.

    12. HonorBox*

      If I won Powerball tonight (it is nearly $500M right now) I’d still show up to work. No one would know a thing before I talked to my lawyer and my financial advisor. And even after that, while there might be signs that I came into some money – a new deck and new windows on my house, the mortgage company getting a check for the remainder – I don’t think I’d make a drastic change to much. While I might talk to my boss about a few more extended absences for a nice vacation now and then, I still would come to work. Luckily I enjoy what I’m doing. Even if I didn’t, though, I’d be finding something to do to pass the time. I’d get bored sitting around.

      Just $1M? I’m not in a position to go anywhere.

      1. The Dude Abides*

        Thanks for the reminder to get my PB ticket :)

        With $1m (after tax about $600k where I’m at), I’d do the following
        – pay off all debts (car, mortgage, etc)
        – fix up the house (windows, deck, garage, HVAC, roof)
        – the rest goes into the kid’s 529

        If I hit the PB, best believe I’m gone.

        1. MigraineMonth*

          “Gone” where, though?

          It seems to me as if quitting one’s job, buying a mansion on the French Riviera and vacationing in the Maldives would be a lot of fun for a few years… and then you realize that all your relationships with family and friends have turned transactional, and all your new friends are either hanging around to take advantage of your money or looking down on you for not having even more.

          I’m not saying money doesn’t buy happiness. Obviously, meeting all your physical and health needs and having financial security is very important for well-being and happiness. Relationships are pretty important too, though, and I’d argue that your PA doesn’t really count.

      2. desdemona*

        I’ve said to a few friends, I don’t play the lottery, but if I ever won there’d be some small signs…namely that I’d go check into a hotel nearby for a month & batch tackle every home reno project I have on my “eventual” list.
        “If you see me posting photos of a new bathroom…I won the lottery”.

        But I’d still be working! I like my job.

    13. Annony*

      I would show up to work too. First, a million dollars would not change my day to day life. I would pay off my house, top off my retirement account, save for my kids college and probably plan a vacation. I would be less stressed but I would still need my salary. If it were actual “quit your job” money, I would still show up the next day. I would do nothing until the money actually hit my account. And even then I would not want to suddenly uproot my life. I find my work meaningful and put a lot of time and effort into getting to where I am. I would probably want to see if my job could be converted to part time or try to find a similar role that offers part time.

      I don’t think the interviewer is very good with money.

    14. Lady Danbury*

      One million definitely isn’t job quitting money for me. I’d invest half of whatever my take-home is, then invest the rest into home repairs/upgrades, along with a splurge vacation.

    15. Justme, The OG*

      Heck, it would take time to GET the money if I won or inherited it. Of course I would keep working. Now if a random bag of cash showed up on my doorstep? That’s a different scenario.

    16. Daisy-dog*

      It’d depend on the time of year for me. I really love the ‘ber months, so I’d probably quit to have time to relax & enjoy it if I won in the last 4 months of the year. (And find a new job come January.) Or if it were April/May, I might quit to travel for a bit. (And again, find a job afterwards.) Ultimately, I would like to use my winnings to not work for a period of time – whether that starts the very next day depends on other factors.

    18. Irish Teacher.*

      Honestly, even if I won enough money to keep me for life, I’d probably still keep working, ’cause I like my job. Now, I would likely cut back on hours, maybe jobshare or something, but I’d definitely finish the school year before making changes.

      And honestly, while I realise I am very lucky to be able to say that and that it is a minority of people who are “doing something they love,” I would nonetheless be slightly wary of a company where the manager cannot even fathom the possibility that anybody might work a day longer than they absolutely have to. It’s probably just a badly phrased question but I would wonder is it a place where everybody is counting the days until they can retire?

      I also think “we know that’s a lie” is unnecessarily adversarial phrasing.

    19. Elsewise*

      I probably wouldn’t come in to work the next day, unless there was a big project or meeting, because I’d love some time to celebrate and also to prepare for the administrative side of getting such a windfall. Longer-term, I would definitely buy a house, pay off my and my partner’s student loans, and make a few large anonymous donations to nonprofits I respect. I’d look for a financial advisor and invest the rest of the funds carefully so I can be financially comfortable for the rest of my life, and I’d likely keep working to meet that goal.

      If you’re wondering more about what I would do if I never had to work again, well, I’d try to dedicate a lot of my time to causes I care about like [something relevant to your industry]. But I’m not someone who can be idle for long periods, so I likely would keep working. What about you, would you keep working here if you won the lottery?

      [I’ve worked in places where managers outright said “none of us want to be here and none of us would work here if we won the lottery or found a better job”. Those places were never good. I’ve never worked somewhere where they were so direct to say that in the interview!]

    20. fhqwhgads*

      Yeah, and the general recommendation when you win the lottery is not to do anything with the money for a year. So even if it were retirable, it wouldn’t be “tomorrow”.

    21. LCH*

      exactly. plus, i do work in a place where i would want to wrap things up if i were leaving (i like my job and my coworkers), AND it isn’t quit your job money anyway.

    22. Gumby*

      The interviewer would learn about me from my answer, but it wouldn’t be about my hopes, dreams, or passions. Because ~44% of that million is going to taxes, probably, depending on how I acquired it, but that seems like reasonable estimate before I talk to any advisors (33% federal / 11% state taking into account marginal tax rates. Ish.). 10% to charity. Now I have $460k. The median home price where I live in $2 million. Even if I put the full amount towards the down payment, I can’t afford the mortgage / property taxes / insurance / etc. with my current job much less if I quit. So I maybe look at condos further away. Or invest it. I guess I could take a nice trip or two – around my work schedule – because no matter how you slice it I still need the job. I could pull my target retirement date closer, but not to today.

  5. Resume please*

    2) Such a weird question. I would answer “Well, about half of it goes to taxes, so I’d pay off my mortgage and safely invest the rest. And go on vacation, I guess.” Maybe not the answer they’d want, but I think I would mentally check out after that

    1. Butterfly Counter*

      Exactly. This would be my plan. I might add that I’d like to retire earlier, but I’m not quitting my job.

      Though I may call in sick the next day or two and throw a personal celebration where I stay up too late watching movies or reading my favorite books.

    2. Meow*

      Yeah, I was thinking, “Pay off the mortgage, buy a two-row SUV, set up college funds for 3 kids… oh, is there even anything left after that?”

    3. Scholarly Publisher*

      Yeah, a million dollars would be “replace my ancient car and do some major home repairs we’ve been putting off” money, not “retire tomorrow” money.

    4. Dek*

      For real. I rent, so, y’know. Pay off taxes. Get a nice little house with enough of a yard for a decent garden (get furniture for the house, because ours is pretty piecemeal). Whatever I have after that isn’t “quit your job” money. It’s “I can kind of relax, I have a safety net” money and “I can treat myself to something nice without feeling guilty/anxious” money.

    5. JustaTech*

      A couple of years ago I was talking with some coworkers about what we would do if we got actual eff-you money (genuinely enough to live a lavish lifestyle and have the very best nursing home at the end).
      My coworker said she’d quit and work the family farm and tour with her partner (a musician).
      My boss said he’d pay off some professor to let him have a corner of a lab to just do fun research (no grants or dissertation or meetings).
      I said I’d collect a bunch of Master’s degrees.

      None of us thought that we could do that with a million bucks.

    6. Ceanothus*

      I’ve seen a lot of people here have very middle-class responses to the question: a realistic idea of what a million dollars is worth, plans like “reliable car”, “no mortgage”, “boost retirement”, and “pay off student loans” — and while these are all great and very reasonable, it makes me think that the question might be inherently classist, in a way “what if you won a billion dollars?” would not be.

      It would be easy to filter out people who would respond with “let my parents retire” or “buy my mom a house” or “get a diagnosis for this disabling condition”.

  6. nnn*

    This is very much Monday morning quarterbacking, but I wonder if a useful answer to #2 would be “Oh, don’t worry! I’d definitely show up the next day even if just to wrap things up – I wouldn’t leave you hanging!”

    1. Ellis Bell*

      The interviewer explicitly ruled out this very reasonable response because it “would be a lie”. Honestly I don’t think there was a good response to this question unless it was randomly asked of someone who a) has the kind of life where lots of energy can be spent on plans for best case scenarios and b) who also has a passion for something that can be seen as an asset in an employee. I used to have a boss who always said she would open and run her own facility for kids in the system (we work with children who are often let down by it), so she is a good candidate for this kind of question, but most people wouldn’t be prepared for this, nor should they be. Even she didn’t have the most nailed down plan, so someone as aggressive as this interviewer would probably pick holes in it. I think they were possibly going for responses of stark honesty, perhaps as a reaction to being lied to by candidates, or possibly a reaction to previous bad hires not working out because they have terrible interviewing techniques.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I think the million dollars is a red herring, and the real problem is that the interviewer has preemptively decided that the boring answer that is true for most prudent responsible adults is obviously a lie.

        Reminds me of the people who claim that everyone obviously googles their coworkers, and those who claim not to must be lying.

        1. Immaterial*

          Regardless of the amount of money, most people would still show up for work the next day. But then again, I work in a field where the expected answer would be take the legal steps needed to claim it anonomously and consider the tax implications.

        2. Strive to Excel*

          I would 100% do something fun if I won a million dollars. It’s just that the fun thing would be with the $500 or so I leave for myself after I put the rest of it into a nice safe investment fund. That’s enough for a really swanky spa day :)

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            I would probably take a fun trip. But even if the money hit my bank account within 10 minutes of my learning of the windfall (which most of us practical people realize is very unlikely), I’d take some time to think about where I wanted to go, for how long, practical considerations for my life at home, etc. I wouldn’t get an email, check my bank balance, and then just drive straight to the airport to launch a travel year.

        3. Kit*

          My department at my old job occasionally went in as a group on Powerball tickets when the jackpot was particularly tempting – and when they asked what I’d do with my share of the potential winnings, decided I was Very Boring Indeed because I said “Uh, I’d call my accountant and my investment advisor?”

          Although they were mildly disappointed to be unable to live vicariously through my daydreams (I did eventually confess to wanting a McLaren MP4-12C, which dates this particular anecdote a bit) they also believed my answer just fine, so this interviewer is definitely a jerk.

      2. NotBatman*

        I forgot about the “everyone googles their coworkers” conversation! I did google a coworker just last month to be sure I was pronouncing her name right, so I guess I’m guilty of being “everyone.”

    2. WeirdChemist*

      Tbh, I think that answer is what the interviewer is trying to avoid. Anyone with more than two brain cells to rub together wouldn’t answer the question with “I’d abandon you all immediately!” in a job interview, where you’re trying to put your best foot forward. Most people would answer what you did, whether they’re being sincere or not, because it’s a better answer in a job interview setting. So the interviewer is trying to cut that answer off at the pass to get more interesting answers that tell them more about the candidate’s interests/hobbies/life/etc.

      Is the way it’s phrased weirdly off-putting and presumptuous? Yep. Is the question overall a bad one that won’t actually tell them anything useful about the candidate? Yep. Would I be thrown off and side-eying the job after the interview? Probably!

      1. WeirdChemist*

        Or, some more sinister reasonings:

        -It’s an indirect way of sussing out if a candidate currently has or is planning on having kids (so many people in these comments answered “put it aside for my kids!”), which can be used to discriminate against (mostly) women and is illegal for them to ask directly
        -It’s an indirect way of sussing out the current financial situation of the candidate (do they currently own a home? do they have outstanding debts?) which can be used discriminate against candidates for classist reasons. Plus, if the candidate hints at any medical debts then there’s possible discrimination for ADA reasons
        -It’s a dumb mind game in that they want the candidate to push back to say “no really, I would never abandon my job no matter what!” and if you don’t you’ve failed their secret loyalty test
        -They think they being so ~unique~ by asking this question that no one else asks (maybe not as sinister… but still dumb)

          1. NotBatman*

            It is. And these all seem reasonable under the circumstances. I’m glad you commented this, after the length of time I spend staring at OP2’s letter mouthing the words “but why???” over and over.

        2. Ellis Bell*

          I really like your last theory actually. Some bosses put a lot more time and effort into just trying to be being interesting than into their actual job.

        1. AthenaC*

          And we wouldn’t have to eat Kraft dinner … of course we still would, we’d just eat more of it.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            I treasured that on Top Chef Canada they had a Kraft dinner challenge, and while the guy born and raised in France was like “… what?” everyone else responded “Yup, Kraft dinner, lived on that in school, I know how to gussy this up.”

            1. MigraineMonth*

              In contrast, the Great British Bakeoff got roasted (pun intended) for their S’mores challenge. No, you don’t make S’mores with *biscuits*, you British heathens!

      2. InfantaM*

        I was scrolling for this exact comment; it was the first thing that popped in my head. Also, maybe a chesterfield, or an ottoman.

  8. nnn*

    For #3, if you’re not able to dissuade them, maybe you could quietly make up for it by giving them Starbucks gift cards at the next gift-giving occasion that cover all the coffees they’ve bought for you (plus whatever amount you actually want to spend on their gifts)

    1. coffee lady*

      #3 LW here, I love this idea and will likely implement it as the holidays are coming :)

      I’ve also been thinking the situation over and realized that I’ve fallen prey to something Alison points out repeatedly to managers: not being clear about your asks. This is something I’m now actively working on, and there’s plenty of room for improvement.

      1. Drinks on Me*

        Yeah, I work on a team of 7 and I’m their boss but I’m not going to say no when they make the gesture. I buy everyone lunch, drinks, etc. out of pocket enough that monetary value far exceeds the occasional iced tea they get me every once and a while because they want to.

        1. Colette*

          The issue is that if Sara buys you a few coffees and Jen doesn’t, and then you promote Sara, it looks sketchy (even if you didn’t take the coffees into consideration at all).

        2. MigraineMonth*

          Sorry, I disagree. The thing is, you hold the power in the situation. You can decide to buy the team lunch/drinks or not without wondering if it’s going to affect your standing or promotion prospects. When your reports buy you iced tea “because they want to”, how can you be 100% sure it’s because they want to and not because they feel pressure to do so?

          My manager takes the team out for a team lunch twice a year, and since we work in government I’m sure it’s out-of-pocket for them. That’s their choice, they make more money than I do, and they could stop at any time if their finances made it no longer feasible. If I feel that it’s expected for me to reciprocate with gifts–even less valuable than the lunch–that’s an expenditure I can’t easily opt out of. Even if my manager never hinted that they enjoy receiving gifts, if *other* people on my team give them gifts, I may think that it’s part of the culture and I need to do the same.

          Just reimburse your reports when they buy you something or refuse if they ask.

      2. Cmdrshprd*

        As a lower level employee that used to be on a smaller team, I say buying rounds are an exception to the gift giving rule.

        If people are more or less taking turns buying the coffee, if you just participate in taking a turn buying a round of coffee you are not really accepting gifts, you are really just paying people back.

        if 5 people people go out to the bar/coffee shop and each person buys a round everyone effectively to aid for the own drinks.

        1. Colette*

          If everyone is buying rounds, I agree. If some employees do but others don’t (because they aren’t interested in coffee, for example), then I think the boss shoould decline.

    2. AcademiaNut*

      If it’s the kind of thing where people are buying rounds (ie, they’re taking turns picking up the coffee order, because sorting out eight payments for a coffee run sucks), then the LW could periodically take her turn, so it evens out.

      1. Green great dragon*

        Even if it’s not a rounds situation, LW could offer occasionally, and say yes when co-worker offers occasionally, and try to make sure they’re coming out behind.

      2. Lexi Vipond*

        Yes, this doesn’t sound like something so extravagant to me that the LW must opt out completely, just take a fair or slightly more than fair share.

      3. Emmy Noether*

        I agree. Rounds aren’t gifts, because the idea is that it will even out over time. And because they aren’t gifts, it’s ok for bosses to participate.

        Just make sure that your order is on the lower side cost-wise of what people are ordering and that it’s not complicated or annoying in any way.

        Also make sure you take your turn. If you can’t physically take your turn (because you can’t leave work), make sure to find a way to pay sometimes anyway – in that case slightly more often than it would be your turn otherwise.

  9. Chris*

    #4: This is not necessarily a “good” problem to have. I had a boss who was relentlessly positive about my work and refused to provide any sort of realistic feedback. In retrospect he was the worst boss I’ve ever had.

    1. AtoZ*

      Agreed – it’s how you just stagnate. I disagree with Alison’s advice, though – do not ever tell your boss that you’re doing poorly at something. That might change their opinion of you from absolutely amazing to mediocre or worse.

      What I would focus on for feedback is how to get to the next level – what different skills are needed at that level and how can you start getting experience in them.

    2. Irish Teacher.*

      It also depends on whether or not he is judging you for things he isn’t mentioning.

      I worked for a principal once who had a habit of waffling. Once when we were discussing a particularly difficult student, I took the opportunity to ask was there anything else I should be doing discipline-wise (as schools often differ on discipline policy, sometimes in little ways that nobody thinks to tell you) and he did the “oh no, you’re doing wonderfully. We’re very pleased with you.”

      And while I have no reason to believe he was specifically dis pleased with me, he started complaining at the next staff meeting about how no teachers were going out to the door of their classrooms when they students left at the end of class, to ensure there was no messing in the hallways between classes. That was exactly the sort of thing I was asking to find out about because while, yeah, it is actually quite a good idea, it wasn’t something that had been done in any other school I was in, so it wasn’t something I thought of doing (unless I had a class that I knew were likely to mess on the way out, in which case I probably would supervise their departure).

      1. NotBatman*

        This is exactly what crossed my mind! My first supervisor was a limp dishrag of a human being — would not commit to anything, under any circumstances, and would avoid even the faintest whiff of conflict. His reports were all “NB continues to perform the duties of the job and make progress toward completing all responsibilities”. When meeting he always said “you’re doing well,” and “that’s fine” if I asked whether I should do something differently.

        I ended up finding other managers and asking them to mentor me out of sheer desperation. Turns out there were plenty of things I was doing wrong, but I had to ask other people to find that out. I probably could have grabbed my manager, shaken him, and screamed “CRITICIZE ME” and all he’d have done is apologize for having been screamed at.

        1. JustaTech*

          My last boss wasn’t that bad, but his feedback was always “you’re doing a great job and you know that” (we worked together very closely). I think the only specific criticism he ever gave me was “don’t join in when 2X Boss and I are having a technical argument”.
          Part of it was that he was a pretty passive guy/beaten down, but part of it was also that he was trying in a round about way to protect me by not getting my hopes up about things like promotions (since that only happened when someone quit and I threatened leadership that I would quit too).

          I miss him as a person and as a coworker, but I will say that 2X Boss has given me more specific, actionable feedback in the past 9 months than Boss did in more than a decade.

    3. Catch22*

      I had a supervisor like this and found it very disappointing at the beginning. I think they were burnt out and overburdened, and they were just relieved not to have a problem on their hands to manage. This led them to giving vague positive affirmations rather than useful positive or negative feedback.

      I ended up realizing that while the best-case scenario is to have a boss who is a mentor and manages well, I could live with having a manager who left me alone and trusted my work. I was able to seek out others for advice when needed and went from resenting my manager’s lack of involvement to appreciating not being micromanaged. It was hardest at the job’s outset, when having extra support and reassurance would have been most helpful, but by the end, I was glad to have more autonomy. (I also realized that the manager may not have been withholding some useful feedback they had for me – they may not have been able to provide it due to their own inexperience or lack of knowledge!)

  10. Jeannie*

    As someone who would go to work even if I won 500 million (don’t play, so not sure how I’d manage it), this grates. I like my job and I’m pretty good with it, and I prefer the structure of regular hours.

    I probably wouldn’t do overtime, but that’s about it.

    1. Chas*

      Yeah, I feel like my job is doing enough good in the world and I enjoy most of it enough that I wouldn’t really want to quit completely (3 months of lockdown showed me it’s better for my health to have a reason to leave my flat every day, even if I dislike having to get up early.) The most I’d do is negotiate a reduction in my hours (so I don’t have to work a full day on days when my lab work doesn’t really require it) and stop feeling as anxious when I have days where I struggle to get on with parts of the job I’m not as enthused about.

    2. amoeba*

      Yup – I mean, I’m a scientist, I am actually really interested in my field and there is no way to do what I do at work as a hobby (weirdly, most of the equipment is a) much more expensive than a million dollars, and also not available for sale…) – so why on earth would I want to give that up?
      I would probably look into some kind of scheme to buy more time off/take more unpaid leave, so I could travel, etc. Maybe also reduce my weekly hours a bit, sure. But leaving the field/work entirely? Nah.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I gave my spouse a T-shirt that reads “Science! Doing in a lab what would be illegal to do in a garage.”

      2. JustaTech*

        My former boss said his dream was to have enough money to hand a fat stack of cash to some professor in exchange for a bench in the corner of the lab to just do research, without having to write grants or a dissertation or go to staff meetings.

        Just, do lab stuff.

    3. AGD*

      I’d get bored and restless without my job. I had a few months of unemployment one year and was grateful not to be in financial distress, but I got very antsy!

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I recall a past discussion on this, and the general sense amongst those who took pleasure in their work was that they would negotiate to move the parts of the job they didn’t enjoy off their plate, and focus on the parts they did enjoy.

      1. UKDancer*

        Yes. I think if I had a lot of money I’d probably go part time and spend the rest of the time doing things I wanted to do. But I’d probably still want to work.

    5. Bast*

      I think I’d probably cut back to part time if I won $500 million — that’s definitely “quit your job” money even with taxes — but I would feel like I needed to do something with my time. Maybe I’d eventually quit and find a cause I am really passionate about to volunteer for. $1 million, definitely would still be working.

    6. Aerin*

      Spouse would definitely go into a low-paid but more fulfilling field. I generally like structure, but would be inclined to quit and find structure in other ways.

  11. TechWorker*

    #1 – not that you need to guilt trip your manager here, but if they are generally decent manager and person then I think some honesty would go a long way! If I heard that one of my reports was dreading in person days and avoiding socials because of the photography (‘I just want to enjoy spending time with my colleagues’) I would bend over backwards to make that not awkward for them.

    1. TechWorker*

      (You might feel like that’s obvious from your reaction, but I doubt it is – I think some people say they ‘hate photos’ but actually just feel mildly awkward about them, so they probably don’t realise how bad it is for you).

      1. Seashell*

        Yes, I suspect her view of herself as looking like she is on the verge of tears in the picture is not anything strongly noticeable to her coworkers. As I told my teenager who had issues about how they looked in public, people are probably paying more attention to themselves and what they have going on than anyone else.

      2. allathian*

        Absolutely. I don’t particularly enjoy being photographed, but for me it’s a momentary discomfort rather than a cause for anxiety.

        1. NotBatman*

          Yes! And also there’s this thing that women are sometimes expected to do where they’re “supposed” to protest about how ugly they look before having their photo taken, sort of like how they’re “supposed” to apologize about their house being messy any time they have company over. People sometimes go “oh no, really, I couldn’t” about photos the same way they make those weak polite protests about being offered free food.

          Depending on how assertive OP is, they could be accidentally conveying a performance of a polite social obligation. Being blunt with the manager that this is a source of severe distress should cause any reasonable manager to stop the photos.

  12. Spooz*

    #1: It’s really fine to just say something. I have worked in very “casual team building camaraderie” kind of workplaces that included a lot of optional-compulsory fun. I am not into that stuff at all.

    You do not need to hype this up to be a huge conversation, you just need to change your demeanour. I have always participated in bits I don’t mind (ice breaker games) and opted out of the bits I do mind (HUGGING! ARGH!) and have received very little pushback.

    “No thank you, I don’t want to be in the photo. I’m going to stand over here and watch.” And you do so. You don’t need to explain or get anyone’s permission. You just do it. At most, say, “I’m funny about being photographed and really do not want to be in it. You carry on, I’ll just watch from here.”

    But you have to sound like you mean it and you have to physically move away and not let yourself get shoved around. You are I charge of you!

    I agree that maybe talking to your boss would help if she is the main instigator. You could do this by email if you like. But again, don’t overexplain and feel like you are making a huge deal out of it.

    “I don’t want to participate in the group photos any longer. I don’t like being photographed and it’s very stressful for me. I am going to start just watching and I would appreciate it if you would help me by not asking me to be in them and redirecting anyone who tries to persuade me.”

    I read the posts here about being pranked and thank my lucky stars that everyone in my aforementioned casual workplaces has discerned correctly that I would HATE to be planked or teased in any way. Honestly, a simple but blunt, “No thank you” has got me out of all sorts of things. Especially hugs!

  13. My two cents*

    #2 is such an obnoxious question – and one that has a very different response for most people depending on the scenario. If I inherited $1M I definitely would not go to work the next day. But that’s because it means my parents have died and I’m grieving. If I won $1M I would certainly not be able to stop my career. A two bedroom townhouse in my neighborhood is over $1M.

    It’s a dumb question I understand their point (I guess), but they haven’t considered any reality in asking it. what a stupid question.

    #3 – what about preordering you Starbucks order on the app for pick up. You don’t even necessarily have to buy for others unless you want to. If someone asks if you want something just order and tell them it’s ready for pickup when they go for your order.

    1. from the gecko*

      #3 — exactly my thought. If they offer to order/pay for yours with the rest before you pre-order, you can say thanks but your order is long and complicated/you want to collect the bonus stars/you want to see what’s available/etc. Thej they pick it up and you still get Starbucks delivery!

      1. NotBatman*

        That is a smart solution! It still makes the coffee getter feel they’re doing a service for the whole office, but without the financial obligation.

    2. Not Your Sweetheart*

      #3 That was my thought as well. At a previous job, that’s what we did. One person went to collect the orders, but we each ordered separately through the app.

      1. coffee lady*

        #3 LW here. The Starbucks run is definitely not a daily thing: my job has an in-house Sbux where we can get free drinks until they close at noon, and we’re tied to our desks, so the team really only orders “out” when they want caffeine out of hours. I always make sure we get our free coffees when I’m on morning shift. :)

        I like the gentle deflection of having a complicated order. Might start using that.

    3. Pam Adams*

      I do that when I’m buying for my team of staff and students- I send my phone around, everyone puts in their order and I pay.

  14. Suze*

    #2, look, clearly they don’t want a realistic answer and are asking what you would do if you had enough money to quit your job. They want you to say something like go travel around the world, give money to charity or volunteer, go back to school to study the arts, etc. If you want the job that’s those are the answers I’d suggest, it makes you sound like a reasonably well-rounded person.

    1. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      The question as phrased is far enough away from the “what would you do with your life if you didn’t have to worry about money” here that the difference is a red flag in itself. (If nothing else, the idea that $1M around here is “never work again” money suggests their ideas about money are decades out of date, which doesn’t speak well for salaries there.)

      1. ferrina*

        Even well-phrased, “What would you do with your life if you didn’t have to worry about money” is a silly interview question. You might as well ask what I would do if gravity weren’t a factor, or would I prefer a unicorn or a dragon for a pet- it’s a question that’s simply based outside reality and has no bearing to the work I do.

        1. NotBatman*

          Also… is it so impossible to believe that some people might want to work in a job because they want to work there? The HR rep basically saying “we know you’ll hate it here and lie about it” is a really solid reason for OP2 to have run from that job offer like the building was on fire.

          1. MigraineMonth*

            An HR rep basically saying, “I believe you’re a liar” is another excellent reason to run. What, are they only going to believe your manager is bullying you if they personally witness the behavior?

    2. Antilles*

      It’s true they don’t want a realistic answer. If you had broken down into numbers as part of the answer (well, after taxes take 50% and then my life expectancy of another 40 years, that’s really only like $12k per year, which isn’t even minimum wage so…yeah I’d be working), the interviewer would have just gotten annoyed and reframed it with a billion dollars instead.
      That said, it’s still a strange question to ask in an interview. And the “it would be a lie” is an incredibly aggressive way to frame the question.

      1. Former Usher*

        I would never think of it on the spot but would love to respond with “After winning a million dollars, I would have the financial flexibility to pursue jobs where I’m not accused of being a liar.”

    3. ecnaseener*

      It’s honestly not that clear to me, though I agree that would be my guess — I would probably say something like “so, operating on the assumption that that’s enough to retire on, or…?” and let them confirm. Because it seems just as likely that they’re trying to quiz you on financial literacy or something.

    4. Kevin Sours*

      Asking a question you don’t want a straightforward answer to is bad form. Framing it in a openly hostile way because you aren’t getting the answers you want instead of fixing the question is even worse.

    5. Hroethvitnir*

      Ha. We all play the (super weird) game in interviews, but some of us are not prepared to pull generic bland answers we don’t mean out at a moment’s notice.

      Even if it wasn’t presented weirdly aggressively, my answer would be that $1M is investment money these days, not early retirement, and I’d need to think about it.

      I’m lucky enough to not be in a position to have to take any job offered no matter what, plus I do work I actively enjoy, so “don’t tell me you’d come into work” sounds extra weird to me.

      Not pouring yourself into the exact mould perceived to be desirable to all employers doesn’t actually preclude being hired by people who are actually the slightest bit genuine.

    2. JustaTech*

      There was a kids movie back in the 90’s where a kid accidentally gets a blank check from a mobster and cashes it for a million bucks and like the whole point of the movie is how fast that million bucks disappears (the moral of the movie is “money can’t buy happiness”).

  16. Lucky Escape*

    #2 – LW – I agree with the comment here. In the moment, I didn’t point out the obvious that the average cost of a house in that city was $1.2 million, money takes time and legal wrangling to reach your account, a quarter will be paid in tax, or that I would have enough respect for my colleagues to wrap up my work appropriately *if* I did decide to quit. What I said was that I would like to become a travel blogger…. I’ve never considered travel blogging a life choice before that question or since. It was random and not well received.

    As a side note, I checked Glassdoor afterwards and found several negative reviews about a HR person at the company. So it wasn’t just me.

    1. Arrietty*

      I love your completely random answer! At an interview for college, I out of the blue declared a passion for reptiles that I had previously been wholly unaware of.

      1. amoeba*

        Hah. In my head, you have now actually discovered said passion and have a reptile zoo at home (please don’t disappoint me with the truth!)

      1. Antilles*

        I wouldn’t say it in an interview, but the Office Space answer would definitely cross my mind.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      Weirdly, your dream is exactly what the happy lottery winners had done–took a chance on something they wouldn’t have done without the financial cushion.

      I suspect that the correct answer was something extremely specific, that no one but the questioner would actually hit on even though that person would say it was “obvious.” Like you would spend the million on gumballs and then just loll around on them the next day instead of coming to work.

      1. WeirdChemist*

        I wonder if the question was some dumb “secret test of loyalty” bs and the “correct” answer was for the candidate to push back and say “Of course I would never leave my job for anything!! I’m so loyal to my employers!!!!”

    5. Antilles*

      I’m wondering: Did you get any information on salary bands, the expected pay for the position, or other benefits? If so, was it reasonably with industry norms and your normal expectations?
      My immediate assumption is that anybody who thinks 1 million dollars is “retire on the spot” money is ALSO wildly out of step with modern fiscal realities in other ways too. But if this was an improvised off-the-cuff question, that might not be the case and it might just be one weird interviewer.

    6. HonorBox*

      I think your answer is both fascinating and extremely thoughtful. “IF” is a key word here, and then mentioning something that presumably you could be passionate about … travel … with the idea that you could still make some income. I’m really fascinated by what they really wanted because it seems like they have a specific idea for what they wanted to hear.

  17. Agent Diane*

    OP5 – I’d take Alison’s advice to update your resume now, but I’d also suggest setting a reminder to update it at least once a year.

    Even if you are not actively looking for a new role, keeping your master resume up to date regularly means you don’t need to spend hours trying to remember what you’ve done. I was doing an application once and asked a trusted peer to review it. They asked why I’d missed a huge high profile project out, and it was simply that I’d plunged straight into the next project and not noted it down. So every January I put aside a couple of hours to really reflect and update my resume.

    You’ve said you will need to change organisations to go further. Having an up to date master resume on file means if you see the ideal role, you don’t need to do the updating bit of preparing an application but can go straight to the tailoring part.

    1. Eldritch Office Worker*

      This is good advice. It’s easier to mark your achievements when they’re more recent, and to think of your resume outside of the pressure of an active job search.

    3. Daisy-dog*

      Ooh, I think I will try to update mine whenever I do my performance review. I’m already thinking through my accomplishments from the previous year.

      1. Agent Diane*

        Yes! That was how I did it when I was in full time employment. Now I’m freelance/contracting, I set my reminder in January so I can name the resume “2024 master cv” and so on.

  18. Never the Twain*

    For #3 I would be inclined to push back on the assumption that no one would turn up for work the day after winning a life-changing amount of money. “Do you think none of your employees feel any responsibility to the company, their colleagues or their current project? Because I would, and I’m worried I won’t fit in here.”
    I don’t know whether I’d actually say that, but it’s what I would be thinking as I mentally withdrew my application.

  19. lanfy*

    After more than half of that million has gone to charity and friends and family, you bet I’m going to be showing up at work the next day. My cat still has to eat.

    I might blow the rest on a coconut. (A thousand internet points to anyone who gets the reference)

  20. A rich tapestry*

    I just want to point out that if you do win a large sum of money, the general advice is actually to not immediately quit your job. Not only because after taxes that money may not be as much, but also because the general advice is to not change anything about your lifestyle until you’ve fully processed everything – don’t even tell your friends or family.

    Also, even if we don’t take taxes into account, a million really isn’t that much money anymore. Definitely not enough to live off of without an extra income.

    1. TeapotNinja*

      “million really isn’t that much money anymore”

      Not even if you elope to a hippie commune in “far-far-away-land” and live off the land?

      I would’ve been tempted to answer something along those lines myself. I’m sure the HR person would’ve frowned disapprovingly.

      1. Seashell*

        Would you have health insurance in that hippie commune? If not, depending on the location, the million could quickly disappear. That might be what the hypothetical frowning HR person would be thinking about.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Yep — husband and I don’t buy lottery tickets unless it gets over half a billion dollars anyway, but we have agreed that in the highly unlikely event that we were to win, we would not make any major lifestyle changes (barring paying off debts like mortgage, cars, student loans etc) or tell ANYBODY about it (except the lawyer and financial advisor we would involve in setting up the trust that would actually claim the winnings) for at least a year and a half.

  21. Hendry*

    I agree in general that gifts should flow downward, but an occasional coffee isn’t really breaking that rule imo

  22. Rosacolleti*

    #5 connect with them on LinkedIn and follow up that way. If they are at the beginning of their search, their initial outreach might be just testing the water with a few people. Now they know at least one person is open to a chat, they might now put more meat on the bone of a role description. Letting them know you’re interested in LinkedIn is very common

  23. I should really pick a name*

    I don’t want to make the employee in question feel awkward by declining

    How does “nothing for me, thanks!” make someone feel awkward?

    1. Eldritch Office Worker*

      This is confusing to me too. I always feel more awkward saying yes because then someone has to get my order, bring my coffee back to me, and we have to figure out the payment thing. It seems so much breezier to just decline.

    2. Seashell*

      Unless you go get a coffee at Starbucks five minutes later, I can’t see “nothing for me, thanks!” being a problem.

      1. Cmdrshprd*

        This would almost certainly be the case for me. I would be fine not wanting thinking about a coffee/Starbucks, but once someone mentioned it I would really want one, and it would be hard to resist the urge to get one.

    3. Silver Robin*

      my guess is that LW does not want to come across as rejecting generosity/kindness. Being too superior to join the team for coffee kind of thing.

      a warm declination should be enough to avoid that, but it can be easily overthought. Especially if LW had been accepting and is now declining.

      1. coffee lady*

        (LW #3): This is a correct assessment. Also, I am located in the Midwest, and in our culture a no is not always taken as just a no. This is the sort of place where folks will get into polite disagreement at a 4-way stop over who gets to be the nicest and let the other folks go first.

      2. Yours sincerely, Raymond Holt*

        You would have to be extremely negatively-inclined to interpret “no thanks” as “I think I’m too superior.” Just… what.

        These don’t sound like wildly unreasonable people so surely the LW is on solid ground with a warm, friendly “nothing for me but thanks for asking”, especially if their other behaviours at work are generally positive.

    4. Kevin Sours*

      Rejecting a kindness can cause awkwardness. Doing that once in the moment isn’t likely to cause a problem, but eventually they are going to catch on that you are saying that because you don’t want to accept their offer not because you don’t actually want anything.

  24. Hendry*

    I hate suggesting therapy for everything, but I wonder if #1 is that stressed about photos that she can’t sleep the night before, maybe something worth exploring

    But if it’s that severe, definitely talk to your boss before the next event – most likely they don’t realize how much this affects you

    1. Beth*

      I hate being in photos also — not quite body dysmorphia, but bad enough. I hate seeing myself on camera on Zoom, and when that became common, I very quickly adopted the practice of “Sorry, not enough bandwidth for video”. In group photos, I stand in the back and often arrange to be partially blocked, if I can get away with it.

      I truly feel for the LW — I expect that the stress levels they started with have been magnified every time they’ve been forced to go through that misery. Our current camera-crazy culturre baffles me.

      1. London Calling*

        I used to avoid things at exjob because one colleague would not stop taking pictures – and given that she was part of the clique that was ostracising me, I’m not 100% convinced that the unflattering ones (which given my unphotogenic face, most of them were) were not shared around the clique for a laugh.

        Yes it was a toxic place and yes, I’m very glad I’m out.

      2. Dahlia*

        Just as a tip for anyone in this situation, Zoom has a setting called “turn off self-view” where people can see you but you can’t see yourself.

    2. Seashell*

      Low self-esteem can be a symptom of various conditions, so I would think it’s worth exploring with a doctor or mental health professional if s/he’s not doing so already.

    3. Peanut Hamper*

      Agreed. It’s one thing to not like being in pictures (waving my hand in solidarity here) and it’s quite another thing to lose sleep over the thought of being photographed.

  25. Arthenonyma*

    For LW1, I’m not clear if they have actually explained to anyone that they explicitly don’t want to be in the photos? It sounds like they’ve done a lot of non-explicit stuff like shuffling to the back or trying to rush off early without actually saying “I’m doing this because I don’t want to be in the photo”. I don’t think it’s weird or pushy for their coworkers to be trying to include them in that case!

    1. Ellis Bell*

      I got the feeling, that because the boss “insists”, the OP is unsure it is even ok or professional to object when really the insistence is probably just the boss trying to ensure everyone has the same amount of limelight. It seems like the most explicit thing OP has said was “no thanks but I would love to be the photographer”, which could be taken to just mean they are lukewarm about being in the photo. Even saying “I don’t want to be in the photo” would probably not be taken literally – there is a weird cultural assumption that reluctance to appear in a photo is just modesty/shyness that will go away with encouragement. I would definitely go with explicit and serious language in a private conversation to the boss: “I’m not comfortable being in photos, it causes me serious distress and I just need to leave before it happens, which shouldn’t affect the photo too much.”

  26. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

    OP2 (million dollars) – I would think (and struggle not to say) “I hope you adjust salaries for inflation better than you adjust hypothetical questions, haha” but my actual answer would be to directly challenge them about coming into work the next day being a lie, and why that is. Professionalism, not leaving the team/company in the lurch for an avoidable reason. I would invest half the money and then consider what to do with the rest. When faced with an unexpected situation, whether that’s receiving a million dollars or any business situation, it’s important to sit back and think and then respond, rather than just “reacting”. I have found that people with that kind of financial security often grow and develop quite a bit in the role, because they are less afraid to take (considered) risks. If being fired would leave you homeless you probably won’t speak up and object to the silly initiative that the boss has proposed. If you have a safety net it is much safer psychologically to challenge the boss a bit and give rational arguments for why the initiative might not work. Financial insecurity is probably the biggest factor (at individual level) stifling innovation.

    1. Pete*

      Similarly, my snarky response might be that is in fact not enough to quit but it is enough to push back at people who preemptively call me a liar. I believe a personal finance book I read many years ago called it “attitude money”.

    2. HonorBox*

      Your point about facing an unexpected situation is a perfect way of answering that question. Maybe not for the jerk HR rep, but I think that it answers the question better than pining for a life filled only with pickleball, travel, and no morning alarm. Telling them that a million dollars is unexpected and you would approach it in the same level-headed way that you would for something else in life – personal or work – that is unexpected is a great way to answer in a way that gives them a perspective of how you operate at work.

  27. Insert Pun Here*

    A million bucks, invested, provides $40k/yr in interest income at a safe withdrawal rate of 4%. Could I live on $40k if I had to? Yes. Do I particularly want to, at this stage in my life? Not really. Does this job offer a salary of more than $40k? Well then, I’m gonna keep coming to work, thanks very much.

    I’m sure that’s not the answer they were looking for, but that’s the one they’d get from me.

    1. C*

      One million divided by one hundred is ten thousand. How much interest are we assuming each year if 4% of the interest is the same as 4% of the initial million dollars?

      1. Hlao-roo*

        I think the “safe withdrawal rate of 4%” means “4% of the principal” (in this case the principal is $1 million) and not “4% of the interest.”

        1. Insert Pun Here*

          It means 4% of total assets (principal + interest as it accrues.) The idea is that you’re only withdrawing the interest and leaving the principal alone to accumulate more interest. In most scenarios, 4% means you will rarely have to touch the original principal.

      2. Insert Pun Here*

        High yield savings accounts are currently paying over 4%. 1 year CDs are paying above 5%. The stock market has averaged 10% over the last century or so, but with considerably more volatility. The idea of a safe withdrawal rate is that you plan to withdraw less than you earn in interest (so you never touch the principal.)

    2. Wilbur*

      Yeah, the idea of going into business for myself is not appealing. At the end of the day, if the water heater breaks at work or we miss our deadline I can go home and those problems disappear. If I can punch in and punch out and know I can very safely spend $10k every year on a killer vacation? I’ll take that every time.

  28. Delta Delta*

    #2 – It would have taken me all my willpower not to say, “I’d buy you a fur coat. But not a real fur coat – that’s cruel.” You’re all welcome that you now have that in your heads.

    1. geek5508*

      “And buy really expensive ketchups with it
      That’s right, all the fanciest-, Dijon ketchup”

      – yeah, thx for the earworm!

    3. HonorBox*

      LOVE THIS. I’m seeing BNL on Friday and can’t wait to think about this letter while I sing along at the top of my lungs.

  29. Despachito*

    OP2 – aside from that being a very weird question and a red flag about the asker, I would have no idea because I have never thought of that.

    So I wonder what they would say if I told them exactly that. “I have no idea, this possibility never crossed my mind and if it did happen, I would have to think it over and discuss it with my spouse.”

    I still can’t wrap my head around what exactly they wanted to achieve with this question.

    (And what they would do if the candidate told them “I struggle to understand how this question is relevant to my potential work here? does this happen often or has it happened in the past? does it mean I would be supposed to gamble if I work here?”

  30. bamcheeks*

    This question just reminds me of Dr Evil coming out of cryostasis and demanding a million dollars and all the heads of state cracking up.

  31. Beth*

    If you’re given or inherited $1 million, you won’t pay taxes on it off the top. If you win $1 million, you pay taxes at the highest marginal rate, so you have much less than $1 million. It’s only take-this-job-and-shove-it money if the job is terrible, so in an interview, I guess that was a confession on the part of the employer.

    In any case, my honest answer would always be the same: “Of course I’d come to work the next day. And I would not tell anyone at work, or anyone at all except my spouse. I’d continue to act exactly as usual while I made my decisions about what to do with the windfall. I’d probably put in for vacation in the next month or two, and it would be a really nice vacation.”

    1. Eldritch Office Worker*

      Yes but both answering and posing hypotheticals are based around your framing of the world around you – if you think a million dollars is enough to change my behavior tomorrow, you don’t have a realistic understanding of the economy which is a major red flag for a potential employer.

      1. Hendry*

        I agree it’s a dumb question in a job interview, but a million dollars would change lots of peoples’ behavior immediately! I might quit and do who knows what

  33. Nancy*

    LW2: they just wanted to hear some fun nonwork thing. Take a trip to Europe, get a degree, buy a house, etc. The answer doesn’t matter and saying you wouldn’t come to work is boring, plus they know it’s not enough for many to quit forever.

    1. Peanut Hamper*

      I think you missed this part of the letter:

      This was followed with, “Don’t tell us you would turn up to work the next day because we know that is a lie.” This last part was delivered with direct eye contact and all the condescension you can imagine.

      I do believe they were looking for something more than just a “fun nonwork thing”. They were openly hostile.

      1. London Calling*

        Given that ‘don’t tell us this because we know you’re lying,’ I’d be noping right out of any further interest in that job; although I would like to know why they’re asking and being snippy about the answer even before it’s made.

      2. Nancy*

        I didn’t miss it, I gave my opinion. But yes, I misread or got confused with other comments and said wouldn’t instead of would.

        I still say they wanted something like take a trip or buy a house. Their tone is offputting but the question is fine to me.

    2. HonorBox*

      If they want to know more about you and your interests, they need to ask that. Telling people that if they say they’re coming to work the next day that they’re lying actually makes it seem like there’s a hell of a lot more behind the question.

  34. Lacey*

    They’d be so disappointed with my reply to number two because my very boring answer would be that I’d pay the taxes on it and invest the rest.

  35. Lily Potter*

    #1 – I don’t have a phobia of or a problem being photographed in general. However, I will never again be photographed in any kind of work setting. Once upon a time, a group work picture might, at most, appear in a mailed company newsletter. Now, your picture goes up on the company web page with the potential to live there forever, My likeness (in small group shots appears prominently on the web page of a company that laid me off after a long tenure of excellent performance. It irritates me to no end to know that my likeness is promoting this company. I’d love to get those pictures off the site, but I don’t even dare ask as the Marketing Manager is one of those people that would make sure EVERYONE knew about the request – both within my former company and in my small industry in general. It’s just not worth the potential reputational hit. Still, it grates!

  36. RagingADHD*

    #4, I think the last paragraph is probably going to be the most effective in your situation. A manager who habitually gives reassurance instead of actionable feedback, or who truly can’t think of a way to improve in your role, will more likely be able to connect with your desire for long-term career growth.

    #5, one week is not a sign of ghosting even if you had been interviewed for a specific role, and it’s nothing if the roles are being created from scratch or are coming open due to a reorg. The VP may have been putting out some very preliminary feelers, to see how they even want to align the skills and positions. When you follow up, they may be able to give you a better idea about where they are in the process.

  37. epicdemiologist*

    Ideal response to Question 2: “Let me demonstrate what I’d do!” Gather your stuff and leave. Honestly, who would want to work for these jerks?

  38. Bookworm*

    I hate being photographed. I just don’t look good in photos often. If friends take one, they know to get my approval of it before they do anything with it. I much prefer being behind the camera – and I don’t take photos of people who I know don’t want to be in them!

  39. Steve*

    Photos – as an event manager, I have to take them and there’s an expectation by the higher ups that everyone is in it…. but I *quietly* let those know that I know are not comfortable with it, that they are allowed to hide, opt out, etc. “Oh darn, I didn’t notice that we missed Suzy… oh well, will do better next time” (wink wink). I also have a (ahem) past as a type of “model” where my face was in uhm very non-corporate situations so I tend to shy away from being publicly photographed in a corporate setting myself (which helps, then, that I am the photographer). It’s a lot of years later, but I still think that someone will look at the group photo on the company’s website and go “isn’t that (fill in the stage name)?” Further, I tend to not want to be in group photos for companys that I don’t feel I’m a part of or welcome or appreciated – my most recent job was one where I felt very much a part from everyone (some of that is on me, some/most of that is on them) and in no way did I ever want my face to be in their archives as I knew I would either leave on my own or be ousted. In fact, when it was time to put together the slide show for the annual Town Hall, I was in charge of the powerpoint slide for new employees and I left mine off – and no one noticed which sort of shows you the level of attention to detail that this business had.

    Re: the million dollar question – I agree that the question is about the answer (ie what are your passions?) than the million dollars itself although yeah, in 2024, a million dollars really isn’t “retire early” money, unless maybe you already own your own home and have a little nest egg started….. but truthfully, I love what I do so much that I would probably be at work doing what I do rather than sit at home on the couch watching tv all day (I mean, God, can you imagine how dull that would be.. .what a waste of a life). I mean, I wouldn’t do it at the company I mention in my first response, of course, lol, but you know, at a company I actually liked and that had any kind of commitment to their events. :) But anyway, the answer isn’t the truth (ie “I’d be traveling the world” or “painting”), the answer is ALWAYS something to do with the job and the company… even if it’s not true, they are looking for a pro-company, pro-work response, the type that you’d give to clients to laud the company during a cocktail party. they are not looking for the truth.

  40. chocolate muffins*

    OP1, I can’t be photographed because of a stalker-like situation, which I don’t necessarily want to explain all the time but sometimes do. I usually make myself scarce if a picture is about to happen (like, go into a different room). If that doesn’t work, I say something like “no thank you” followed by, if necessary, “I’m not going to be in this picture.” That usually gets people to stop pushing, if for no other reason than that they are mostly not used to people setting up boundaries like that. This has had no negative consequences for me as far as I can tell. Of course, maybe people are talking about me behind my back or not inviting me to things or whatever, but in the end I get all the professional opportunities I want, which is all I really care about at work.

    If I’m in a place where people are taking candid pictures, I go up to the photographer and say that I don’t want to be in any pictures. Every professional photographer has thanked me for telling them in advance and then arranged their camera so that I wasn’t in any photographs. If people are taking pictures with their phones, I move out of the frame and sometimes talk with them afterwards to say that I don’t want to be in pictures. This does require vigilance on my part and at certain kinds of gatherings I spend a non-insignificant amount of energy looking for people trying to take pictures, but I’ve been doing this for more than a decade now and it kind of fades into the background of my mental processing at this point.

    I do sometimes say that I can’t be in pictures or can’t be recorded “because of a safety concern” if other tactics aren’t working, and that tends to get through to people even if they otherwise don’t get it. You could maybe try something similar, in the sense that not sleeping and so forth are unsafe? I am not a fan of stretching language in this way but I am even less of a fan of people pushing past other people who are trying to say no to them.

  41. Adriano*

    #2: Contrary to most replies of “I’d definitely be back the next day”, my answer would be “Hm. Yes, I probably wouldn’t come to work the next day, but not because I’d quit on the spot: I’d probably ask for a PTO day* to process the news. I wouldn’t leave people hanging like that.”

    * or whatever is the proper term, I don’t work in the USA

  42. HonorBox*

    OP3 – I think there are two very easy solutions available to you:
    1. Decline very specifically. Rather than just saying no thank you, say something like, “No thanks. I’ve had too much coffee (liquid, to drink, etc.) today, and couldn’t drink more.”
    2. I like the idea of having the gift card ready. Then you don’t have to have cash on hand or try to pay someone back. Pull the gift card out and treat the team. And even if you don’t want something, just get a small coffee and dump it out.

  43. Librarian (ask me why I love my job)*

    We used to play this game at work “what would you do if you won the lottery” I WOULD go to work the next day.
    I would endow my assistant librarian’s job so I wouldn’t have to stress about the budget anymore.
    (back when I lived in NYC) I would have a car and driver take me to work everyday as it was a 20 minute straight shot up the westside highway from Brooklyn as opposed to an hour and 15 on public transportation.

  44. Harper*

    Ugh, LW1, I feel you on the stupid photos…and always being in the front because you’re short. People laugh about it, but I don’t think they realize that my *entire* body is on display in every group photo ever taken, because I’m always one of the shortest people. Taller people have the luxury of a little camouflage.

  45. HailRobonia*

    #1: I hate being photographed as well. I grew up with lots of self-esteem issues involving my appearance and weight and while I am in a much better place now, I still have residual anxiety about being photoed.

    Unfortunately at work I am more and more often in group photo situations, and even worse: solo pictures to use in marketing (example, an email about a new development program we are offering with my contact information and picture at the bottom like a “if you have questions, HailRobonia is happy to help!”

  46. Another Kristin*

    LW #4, I used to have a boss like this, and what helped was bringing specific questions to them and treating our one-on-ones more like coaching sessions. Like, I’m working on X project, Y is the PM and wants me to do this, how do you suggest I approach it? It helped my manager get past the “you’re doing great, no notes!” thing and actually give me helpful, actionable feedback.

    1. Sara without an H*

      +1. I, too, had a boss like this. When I asked her for general feedback her mind went blank. If I came to her with specific questions (“Here’s what I have so far for the meeting with the Bandersnatch Committee. Do you think I should include the Snickersnee data, or would that be too much?”), she could give me good, well-reasoned feedback. “How am I doing?” was just too unfocused for her to provide a useful response.

      LW#4, try what Alison and Another Kristin have suggested and see if that helps. And then please send us an update.

  47. HailRobonia*

    The million dollar question makes me think that we should all have strategies on how to deal with ridiculous/stupid/problematic interview questions. I remember bein asked “what kind of bug would you be if you could be any kind of bug?” in an interview once. No, the position had nothing to do with insects, animals, or science in any way. I think I said praying mantis.

    When I told a friend this, she said that I should have said “bee, because they work together to produce something sweet” or “an ant, because they all cooperate to build impressive structures.”

    Now I’m thinking dung beetle, because I am experienced in cleaning up all the shi*t at work.

    1. A Significant Tree*

      I was asked a similar question to #2 in an interview, although it was technically work-related. They asked what I would do if the CEO walked in and gave me $5 million to do whatever I wanted (for the company). I think I was asked this by two separate interviewers during the multi-interview day, so I asked the second person if this was a likely scenario.

      But honestly, it’s a terrible question because I have no way of knowing how far a specific amount of money is going to go at a tech company working on complex products that (still, 7 years later) aren’t on the market. Now if they phrased it like “The CEO will fund whatever research project you want to do, what would you pick?” then I could work with that. Much like the OP would probably have been able to answer “What would you do if you suddenly got a quit-now amount of money?” rather than a specific amount.

      The “bug” question is at least as bad as the “tree” question (which I have gotten) – I couldn’t answer either with the supposedly right answer and keep a straight face. But to be fair, I’d rather answer either of those than “what are your three worst qualities” which I also got in the same interview as the tree question!

      1. HonorBox*

        “My worst qualities: I work to hard. I care too much. And sometimes I can be too invested in my job. And my weaknesses are actually strengths.” -Michael Scott

    2. RagingADHD*

      I was on the speech & debate team in high school, and one of the best takeaways was how to stall for time to think, without just going completely blank. Basically, you “vamp,” like musicians do when they’re waiting for the lead performer to pick up their cue.

      Off the wall questions are usually promoted as a way to reveal how a candidate thinks, and there really isn’t a right answer (unless they are complete loonies you don’t want to work with anyway), so it’s perfectly fine to think out loud.

      “Wow, that’s a really interesting question. I’ve never thought about that before. Let’s see…I’m not sure I’d really want to be a bug, but I suppose some of them are better than others… Well, butterflies are pretty, and they are important pollinators, but most of them only live a very short time. Except monarchs, of course – they migrate. Yes, I think I’d be a monarch butterfly because they see a lot of different places, create a strong community, and help the ecosystem in several ways across a very wide area.”

      It could be anything, but it’s a lot easier to free-associate your way to something that sounds good if you are comfortable doing it out loud instead of trying to come up with a pithy comeback or a “correct” answer all in one go.

  48. Sharpie*

    If I came into £1million, I’d be more likely to actually take a holiday away. Give some to charity, some to my dad and siblings, keep what’s left in a savings account. That kind of money doesn’t go as far as you might think, these days.

    I would still absolutely come into work the next day because it’s not the sort of money where you can just… Not. Not if you want a comfortable long-term outlook.

  49. I'm just here for the cats!!*

    #2 the way the question was asked was so odd and specific. Makes you wonder if there is a story behind it. Like maybe there was someone who won the lottery and just didn’t show up to work?

    1. Somehow I Manage*

      That’s kind of what I was thinking actually. There are so many times I’ve wanted to phrase a question like, “We’ve had someone do stupid thing X, and want to know how you’d handle that kind of situation” and I think in this situation it would have been better to say something like, “Jo was gifted a million dollars and left us hanging because they quit on the spot and we had no idea what all they were doing. You wouldn’t do that, right?”

  50. probably not a robot*

    LW1:

    Oh man, this is really rough. I’m sorry that’s happening to you.

    I have a history of being left out of candid photo compilations in ways that I don’t think were intended to be hurtful but definitely were — I am not photogenic, and I’m sure since most of these photos were taken to put in brochures they looked at me and thought, “Well, that’s not the image we want to cultivate,” and left me out. Which is fair, but it’s really noticeable when you’re the only one who keeps getting left out. (This was mostly when I was a kid, not in a professional setting, but I can’t imagine I wouldn’t feel stung as an adult.)

    Because of my history, I don’t personally mind group photos and actually like it when people let me know they genuinely want me to be included in group things, but photos can be so so fraught for so many reasons and it’s frustrating that many people don’t understand that “no, I don’t want to do the thing” shouldn’t be interpreted as “convince me! I might be up for it!” when it’s something they think is no big deal.

  51. toolegittoresign*

    I used to ask a similar question”if you won the lottery…” question in interviews but ended up changing it to “how would you spend your time and your energy if you didn’t have to go to work every day?” because one candidate got emotional in her answer, saying she’d buy a house for her parents who worked so hard to provide her the opportunity to go to college and have this career. It made me cry, too, and I apologized for asking a question that made her get emotional. We did hire her, but I learned a valuable lesson that money is such an emotionally charged topic that there are better ways to ask a question that’s intended to be “fun.”

    1. Peanut Hamper*

      I’m still trying to understand your new question. How does this help you evaluate how well a person you’ve just met would do in this job?

  52. PatM*

    #2
    I’d go into work the next day. It’s going to take some time for those funds be in my bank account and ready to spend.
    If the money was in the bank and ready to spend, I’d go into work the next day. $1 million is not “set for life” money.
    If the money was in the bank and was a “set for life” amount, I’d go into work the next day. I don’t have a plan in place for that kind of windfall and I don’t want to start burning bridges and spending money without some sort of plan.
    If the money was in the bank, was a “set for life” amount, and I had a windfall plan in place, I’d probably go into work the next day. If I had any pride in the work I was doing or any respect for my coworkers or manager, I’d go in to at least resign in person and set up a transition plan.
    A company where $1million is “flee immediately” money sounds like a horrible place to work.

  53. LingNerd*

    I think most people probably have pretty boring answers to the million dollars question. Personally, I’d do a bunch of work on my house (windows and insulation, mostly, and there’s some other more expensive but less critical stuff on the list) and pay off my sister’s mortgage with the rest. I have a mortgage too, but I’ve got a great rate and am in a 2-income household where both of us make pretty good money. My sister, meanwhile, is in a position where she’s always happy to pick up extra hours at her job and is trying to make a side hustle work. Not having a mortgage would be way more impactful for her than it would be for me. Besides, I can’t really think of a better way to use a once-in-a-lifetime kind of windfall than by giving a once-in-a-lifetime kind of gift!

  54. Water Everywhere*

    LW4, I’d say you were my coworker only we don’t have performance reviews at my org (yeah I know, one of many issues). It’s weirdly demoralizing to not get effective feedback, even though the feedback I do get is general praise. I have asked repeatedly for specifics of where I need to improve or change, for meetings to discuss workload, for even an informal performance review, none of which have happened. At this point I have accepted that my manager doesn’t want to manage and nothing I can do will change that. I think you might be in the same boat but I hope Alison’s suggestions will help you. I like my manager but this setup isn’t working for me and I am job searching.

  55. Eldritch Office Worker*

    #4 one thing I’m trying to implement is that all roles should have development plans, not just people who are low performing. High performers need goals and room to grow as well.

  56. Purple*

    #1: I relate to this SO much! I also hate having my photo taken. It triggers a lot of deep-rooted insecurities and past trauma. Seeing myself in a photo can be very distressing and ruin an otherwise good day. It’s hard enough in social situations – I have a friend who loves taking photos of herself every time we go out to dinner and it’s always a hassle to avoid. I freelance now, but when I worked for a company, there were lots of group photos, which people seemed to love and get excited about. Sometimes the photo was for social or bonding purposes, sometimes to send to corporate as ‘proof’ that everyone was enjoying the dinner or event they paid for. I avoided it when I could (I also offered to be the photographer). I couldn’t avoid it at more formal events when there were planned large group photos. I did my best to hide in the back, but it was very awkward and upsetting. I didn’t want to reveal my personal insecurities or emotions at work, and I also didn’t want to seem “difficult” by refusing to participate, so it was always challenging. It’s especially hard since selfies are so common these days – many people see photos as either positive or neutral and don’t understand why it would ever be a problem, so they brush off refusals. People also share photos more – so it’s not just a case of ‘a photo exists in some office file somewhere,’ but ‘someone texted the photo to everyone at work, some people posted it online or emailed it to other people in the company.’ I don’t have any advice, but I do feel your pain and wish you well.

  57. lizzay*

    LW4, maybe frame it as “What do I need to do to get to the next level?” In my last job that was always the focus. Which could be frustrating, b/c you’d be a star for a level 4, but just average for a level 5. The frustrating part was when you heard how you weren’t quite up to snuff for level 5!

  58. 653-CXK*

    OP #2: “That’s an odd question. Why would you assume I would quit the job if I came into that much windfall?” If the interviewer presses for an answer or gives an even more condenscending response, state, “I think I will end the interview here and take myself out of consideration for your position. I don’t feel comfortable answering that kind of question.”

    That kind of question may sound like a benign one, but with that amount of patronizing attitude, it’s boundary busting.

  59. Squab*

    Re: #4 — I’ve been this boss, sort of! I once had a Chocolate Bar intern who was so stellar that there literally was no developmental feedback *about her role* I could give her. She dinged my on my “manager of an intern” evaluations at the end! And while I had no hard feelings there (we still meet in a mentorship capacity years later!) I actually disagreed with her take on things.

    I did spend a good amount of time telling her how the skills and behaviors I saw from her a) exceeded all the expectations for an intern; b) met or exceeded the expectations for an entry level hire; and c) ticked a number of boxes for someone looking to get promoted from entry level. She truly was exceptional. I tried to be very clear about the great skills and habits I was seeing, and how those same skills tend to show up in more senior Chocolatiers.

    So when I got her evaluation, I had to laugh; I think there are some highly-driven people (especially in competitive fields) who kind of don’t believe feedback that doesn’t contain criticism. Post-internship, I’ve been happy to see her mellow out and start to believe her managers when they tell her she’s amazing.

  60. fhqwhgads*

    LW1 makes me think of a question I’ve almost written in about a half dozen times, which is: how do you screen for an employer who won’t suck at having an employee in a stalker situation?
    Cluelessly not allowing for photo opt-outs, insisting on certain info in staff bios, and that said bios be online, etc and so forth: all can be a major safety issue that people who haven’t dealt with a stalker take for granted as NBD. Like, you can’t take a photo of me because once you have it I can’t be sure you won’t accidentally post it with my name attached. You don’t have to be secretly CIA or in witness protection for “no really, no photos” to be a thing. I know in OP’s case it’s not a safety thing. It’s a personal boundary thing. But still, this employer has shown they clearly would have no idea what to do if it WERE a safety thing. They’ve shown it in their reaction. Employers should have SOP for this kind of stuff, and it should be not a problem for people to opt-out without having to give a big explanation.

  61. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

    #2 – how weirdly adversarial. I would stare right back and say I WOULD show up to work the next day, even if it was $10 million, because I would never make a significant move on an impulse. I am a planner who takes the time to look at the repercussions.

    $1 million though. Well I guess I might look at retiring at 65 instead of 70.

  62. The_artist_formerly_known_as_Anon-2*

    #2 – a million dollars is not enough for a young person to retire on. But I would call in, in the morning and say “I’ve got a personal emergency to handle”, take care of it, and then go to work and explain the “emergency”.

    The first thing you want to do is change your phone number, and check into a hotel for a couple of days.

  63. Database Developer Dude*

    I live in Fairfax County, Virginia. $1 million would enable me to purchase a single family home, without a mortgage. I’d then get a mortgage on it to pay off the mortgage on my current townhome, all my debt, and fix up the townhome so I can rent it out.

    I’d be able to breathe a little easier financially, but I wouldn’t be rich, and any prospective employer who treated me like this interviewer treated the OP would be laughed at.

  64. Jodi*

    OP #1 I feel you. I’m someone who hates photos too. It amazes me that others seem to feel it’s acceptable to bully me into participating or even going so far as to sneak pics as a “ gotcha” ! They refuse to take no for an answer and seem to take it as a personal insult.

  65. rambler*

    The problem with living where I do is being waaaay at the bottom of the replies. This is a tangential observation on that question.

    A truthful answer to this question isn’t what the interviewer would like, I am sure, because it mostly depends on the company and how it treats employees. So the answer would have to be, why do you ask? What’s the problem here driving employees away?

    In the earlyish years of the tech boom, many not-high-level people had windfalls of stock and/or bonuses that were get-out-of-work-free levels of money. Some of them quit, after vesting or whatever was needed to secure the money, some quit working altogether, and some did not. If the company was or was becoming a crap place to work, people would vanish soon after vesting. If a project the workers wanted to succeed was cancelled because a manager who backed it was fired and it clashed with another manager’s empire (or out of plain malice, that happened too), then employees who had cashed in checked out. Many would go work elsewhere or change industries, and some just stopped working because they were so burned out. But if the company stayed a good place to work–interesting projects, good benefits, not jerking people around–then people with options would stay because they were enjoying the work, they were valued and appreciated, and they could be productive and contribute to cool things being done.

    People who didn’t get liberating levels of cash would pay off debt first, then buy a home of some kind. Just about universal. People who didn’t have to work had choice and they used it: they didn’t have to put up with BS management, they were excellent and productive and highly sought-after elsewhere, and if they wanted to work they could work just about anywhere. This happy pattern went on for maybe fifteen years before the workforce benefits were cut back industry-wide. A regular team member might get a few thousand as a bonus, but not student-loan-payoff money. Management hates it when the worker has a choice about whether to be there. It’s much harder to bully someone who is not living paycheck to paycheck.

    This is a terrible interview question and should absolutely be reflected back to the interviewer: Why do you think everyone would leave this job if they could?

    1. Semi-retired admin*

      Rambler, so funny! I just typed a reply, then deleted it without submitting for exactly that reason! There’s close to 400 replies, no one is going to see/read mine. Your reply was right there when I hit delete :)

  66. Coverage Associate*

    The question was probably out of date in #2. I wonder how old the business was? It reminds me of the time I got some pre interview instructions from a couple generations back (bring a nice pen from one of the listed brands, make sure your bag is professional and not trendy, bring your resume in a nice folio). I’m sure at some point HR thought it would be equitable to send all applicants some professional presentation tips before interviews, because not everyone comes from backgrounds where they learn these things, but then they either just got an old list online or from a book or old women’s magazine or something.) It was eventually especially funny, after I got over the bizarreness, because it was the end of the pandemic and a video interview, so half the instructions didn’t apply. But who has money for a Cross pen when applying for an early career job (who didn’t come from a family where they get such things and such advice as graduation gifts)?

  67. Quill*

    #2: I once bombed an interview because an interviewer asked “what would you do with Warren Buffet’s money?” and I asked “Is he related to Jimmy Buffett?”

    (In my defense I was a decent amount younger then. It’s honestly a surprise I knew of Jimmy Buffett.)

    So yeah, ask silly interview questions, get silly answers.

  68. DJ*

    LW#1 doesn’t like to be in photos. Yes discuss with your team leader/manager. You’ve already offered the graceful way out eg offering to take the photo!
    I’d suggest you find an excuse to leave the room but they may wait for you to come back.

  69. Aerin*

    OP1, acquire a fun stuffed animal or other such object and declare that it is now your stunt double for photography purposes. Heck, make it your avatar in your work chat if that’s an option. Whatever objection anyone raises about you being in the photo (probably about having some record that you were there), “Nope, that’s what the otter is for.”

  70. Raida*

    “Don’t tell us you would turn up to work the next day because we know that is a lie.”
    I know exactly what I’d say – I would bark a laugh in his face.

    “Hah, I certainly would come to work, to make sure *nobody* would know! I’d say I’d won, say, $1k to let everyone at work know oooh that’s why Raida is in a good mood! She shouted her team donuts and hot chocolates, fun!

    Separately, which you’d never know about, I’d put $300k into offset for my mortgage, $580k into a six month term deposit, give $20k to each of my immediate family members. In six months when the term deposit came to term I’d have planned out what little holiday I wanted to take, not have made any crazy impulse purchases, planned out home renovations.

    The only reasons I wouldn’t come to work if I won a million bucks are 1) It’s a *terrible* place to work and I was already looking at other jobs or 2) I had a fully fleshed out plan of what I wanted to do.
    Even if I had an idea of something I’d like to do different to this career, jumping into it instead of taking the six months I mentioned to do the research and planning would set me off to a bad start.”

  71. A Genuine Scientician*

    For #3, I think Alison is misreading the question. When they say they offer to Venmo the generous employee, I take it to mean for their own drink, not for that of everyone. Handing them a gift card and telling them to put everything on that isn’t really what I think they’re offering to do already.

    Some other comments with some good suggestions for handling this, such as ordering something in the app that the letter writer also pays for in the app and asking the person going to just pick it up, for example.

  72. No name this time*

    For LW #1: I have a prior-employment-related cyberstalker and a crazy ex-boyfriend to boot. Neither one needs to know where I am, even if I’m half a country away from both now. I do NOT allow photos of myself unless I control where the photo goes. Employers that have photo releases for employees to sign at onboarding? I decline it. Then throughout employment it’s a firm “I’m sorry, I’m a no photo person.” If anyone asks why – “Personal reasons; I just can’t.”

  73. pcake*

    LW2, the interviewer was an idiot. It’s not like a million dollars is enough to retire on, so one could take a year or two off. And when we actually did come into some money, we went to work as usual.

  74. George Sand*

    My line manager has been giving feedback for years. I’ve used this techniques too (thank you Alison, I’ve read them before on here!) and tried to make myself as easy as possible to give feedback to, and making sure I act on any feedback I do get, even if it’s small or if I have to dig like through a landmine to get it.

    In recent months I’ve been getting irritated/grumpy vibes from her and I explored it with her. Turns out she’s been irritated that I didn’t reply more to a request back in April. I looked through my messages and I had said essentially “I don’t have feedback on this.” She said “Ok, thanks for looking.” That’s the last I have heard about it.

    It’s fairly resolved now (we usually do have quite a good working relationship). But it’s left me super anxious!

    All that’s to say, you’re right to be wary even though I understand why it feels like a strange thing to complain about.

  75. Yours sincerely, Raymond Holt*

    The question about winning a million dollars is such a weird question, and it sounds like their tone was bordering on hostile.

    “We know it’s a lie” would trigger something in me (probably disproportionately so, but still). I would absolutely not be accepting any job from these people (obviously circumstances permitting).

    My honest answer is that yes, I would continue working, certainly right away. I would put most of it into savings. I’d work out the excess charges for paying off my mortgage too quickly (!) and if it was worth it, I’d do it. But if not, I’d buy my spouse and I something nice for a treat, and carry on with my life, knowing that we had this security if anything awful happened, like one of us couldn’t work anymore or if we need care in old age or if our parents do. I would also give a portion to charity.

    I currently do really enjoy my job in the third sector but I’d probably enjoy it even more knowing I had that security.

    I hate being told, essentially, “I know you better than you know yourself/than what you’re claiming.” I also think it reflects appalling on them that they cannot countenance why someone’s dream might be to have savings so you can live your life and not be constantly anxious about finances and the “what ifs.”

    As for what it says about their values, their commitment to what they do, and their own work ethic, well, I can only speculate.

  76. Yours sincerely, Raymond Holt*

    Once my colleagues at OldJob got into a conversation about whether they would “kick a puppy to death for a million pounds.”

    I said no, I wouldn’t, personally. They would not let it go. They said I was lying, of course I would.

    They were senior to me and some of them were managers, although none of them were my line manager.

    They kept saying “but a million pounds?? A *million* pounds?” over and over, scoffing and jeering.

    (This wasn’t a nice workplace. These were all dudebro types, I was one of the only women.)

    I wasn’t even expressing judgement or disgust or anything. I was just saying personally I do not believe I would be capable (emotionally or physically) of *kicking a puppy to death.*

    1. Betty Beep Boop*

      NEVER ask a Canadian what they’d do if they had a million dollars.

      (We’d buy you a house)
      (And some furniture for your house)

  77. Lorelai*

    I worked with an exec who asked the million dollar question because he was convinced it was a good indicator of how serious a candidate was about a role. It didn’t matter what the candidate’s answer was, as long as it wouldn’t result in them quitting their job. For instance, you could give it to a charity or put it in a savings account. But if you wanted to start a business or spend a year traveling your interview was over. The only time he was willing to be open minded about an answer was if he was speaking with a young attractive female candidate. If that was the case then all bets were off and he would almost always extend in an offer.

Comments are closed.