I manage my partner and he doesn’t know his job is being cut

by Alison Green on October 9, 2024

A reader writes:

I’m the assistant manager of a workplace where my partner also works. In fact, we met there — when I started working here, we were both in the same customer-facing role, and about a year ago I got the assistant manager role. We’ve so far made this work, although it has been tricky at times. Our workplace is relatively informal; I manage his team but I don’t have to line manage him, and the executive manager steps in where appropriate.

However, I’ve just been told we are due to make a wave of cuts to jobs (unfortunately following a sector-wide trend). My job is safe; my partner’s job, and those of his team, are not. He won’t find out about this officially for another two months.

My manager and the senior team have asked me not to tell him before then. I feel torn. On a personal level, I don’t want to lie to him. But it’s also unfair and could get complicated if he knows before the other staff. Like most of the team I imagine he’ll feel very strongly about it and is likely to want to try to fight against these cuts (e.g., through our union). But I could face disciplinary action if it gets out that I told him before anyone else.

For context, he is currently looking for other jobs anyway, partly so we don’t have to work together but for other reasons too. But while he remains here I can’t see a way forward that doesn’t seriously jeopardize either my job or my relationship!

First and foremost, your company never should have put you in a job managing your partner’s team. It’s not enough to not directly line-manage him; you shouldn’t be part of his chain of command at all. That’s unfair to you, him, your colleagues, and your employer — they never should have allowed it. In addition to it being an obvious conflict of interest — not to mention the problem it’s causing you now — it raises all sorts of issues for other people who may want to, for example, bring you a problem with your partner but won’t feel comfortable doing that because of the personal relationship.

But that doesn’t help you now.

It’s not reasonable for you to be put in a position where you know your partner will lose his job in two months but aren’t allowed to share that with him. You don’t say if you’re married or live together, but if you are, it’s even more unreasonable; you have information about your household’s finances that you can’t discuss or act on. And that’s before we even get into the emotional side of this: most people in your partner’s shoes would feel betrayed if they found out you’d known so far in advance and not told them. He’s likely to feel you prioritized your own professional security above him and above your relationship, and it could have real and lasting effects on his trust in you. That’s not a sacrifice your employer should expect of you. (Which is yet another reason why they shouldn’t have put you in a position over him to begin with.)

I only see two ethical options:

1. You share the information with your partner but make it very clear that your company can’t find out that you told him. That means he can’t react to it the way he’s going to want to, and you’d need to trust him to adhere to that. (For the record, he should adhere to that; he should recognize that he’s only privy to the information because of his relationship with you, and that you doing the right thing within the context of your relationship does not entitle him to endanger you professionally. If you can’t trust him to handle that appropriately, there’s a different problem.)

2. You tell your company that you’re in an untenable situation and you need to be able to disclose it to your partner, and you collaborate with them to figure out how to proceed within those constraints. I don’t love this — because when you agreed to take this job you were agreeing to the confidentiality expectations that come along with it — but here you are and it’s a set-up they blessed, and there’s a limit to how much you can be expected to protect the company’s interests above your own.

#2 is the best option since it allows you to be honest with both sides, but whether or not it’s feasible depends on what you know of your company’s leadership.

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{ 158 comments }

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  1. Tio*

    And this is one of the reasons you’re not in your partner’s chain of command.

    Where I work, people can’t even be in the same department as SOs, although they’re allowed to date and marry within the company as long as they’re separate enough.

    OP, can you talk to your bosses about the conflict and perhaps they can have him sign some kind of NDA?

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  2. HonorBox*

    Agree with the second option. It would be one thing to hold information for a couple of days, but for a couple of months that’s impossible. They’ve put you in a position that isn’t feasible to manage over two months. So you need to tell them you’re going to need to tell your partner. It will enable you to be honest and will enable him to make important decisions as he’s looking for other jobs, too.

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  3. Anon21*

    I don’t think the ethics of #1 are as clear as Alison makes them out. The partner has potential obligations not just to the LW, but also to his coworkers and fellow union members. If there’s a possibility that collective action could save the jobs or at least force the employer to give decent severance, he might be absolutely right to tell others and take action–and the LW would be wrong to try to prevent that.

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    1. MackM*

      That was my first thought as well – if LW tells their partner, their partner is in the exact same quandary with his union brothers and sisters. Union members have a duty of mutual support and protection, same as the LW does to their partner.

      The company really screwed the pooch on this one.

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      1. Rex Libris*

        It’s not exactly equivalent. The LW and partner have a personal commitment, are involved emotionally and their lives directly affect each other, probably including finances, maybe insurance, and etc. The company is essentially asking the LW to act to their own detriment for the benefit of the company.

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      2. Cmdrshprd*

        Eh I would say the duty to your spouse/partner in not harming their career prospects is bigger than the duty to other union members. especially when spouse/partner broke confidentially for you.

        If spouse betrayed a secret for your benefit it would be really shitty to betray that secret for someone else’s benefit.

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        1. Anon21*

          The partner isn’t betraying anything in this scenario. To turn that word around, he would be revealing the company’s planned betrayal of its staff. And I don’t actually agree that the obligation to one’s fellow workers is less than the obligation between romantic partner in this situation. I will grant you that many union members wouldn’t feel the obligation as keenly or personally, but they really should.

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      3. Korbel*

        People have already commented that the bond between partners is greater than that of a union, but also given the (unfortunate) reality of union membership, and that the LW calls the workplace informal, I think assume there is a union is a bit of a leap.

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        1. Not a Real Giraffe*

          OP says: “Like most of the team I imagine he’ll feel very strongly about it and is likely to want to try to fight against these cuts (e.g., through our union).”

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  4. FormerLibrarian*

    there’s a limit to how much you can be expected to protect the company’s interests above your own.

    That limit is 0% in almost all cases. The company can and will protect its own interests above yours. You can and should reciprocate by doing what’s in your own interest when yours and the company’s interests diverge.

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    1. Meg*

      This 1000000%. Its always why I’m pro option one, but I guess that really depends on your partners demeanor. Still, super shitty position to put OP in, and they *really* should not have told her.

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      1. Cmdrshprd*

        But I would argue if partner is already looking for a job, and partner is about to lose their job, it is in OPs and partners best interest for OP to keep their job at almost all costs.

        I think even if OP and partner are not married it’s better for OP to have a job and be in a position to help partner out.

        Otherwise if OP tells there is a very big risk that partner ends up out of a job and OP also ends up out of a job for telling partner about the layoff.

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    2. Czhorat*

      Professional integrity does matter. It wouldn’t be ethical – or acceptable – to use professional contacts at your company to poach clients for a side-business, for example. It wouldn’t even be acceptable to use corporate client lists for personal marketting for an unrelated side business because that could erode the trust clients have in your employer.

      There are lines. “Don’t tell your partner they’re on the verge of getting laid off” is *clearly* outside of them.

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      1. Nicosloanica*

        Yeah I agree it’s not ZERO, but it’s an active trade we’re all making between long-term and short-term benefits. I would never work overtime or on my time off if I didn’t recognize it’s sometimes the best way to get ahead, for both the company and ultimately for myself as someone who wants a longterm role in the company (and hopes for a successful career etc).

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      2. Olive*

        I’d think of it more of company interests outside of basic morality.

        Unlikely edge cases aside, I believe that I shouldn’t lie, cheat, or steal, including as an employee. Same with bullying, gossiping, and making life less pleasant for other people in general – at work as in any area of my life. Beyond that, the company’s problems are not my problems.

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        1. Czhorat*

          Nicosloanica had a better example than I did in this case; it’s in my best interest to leave at 5 every day and get home on time to make dinner for my family. It’s in the company’s interest for me to stay late if there’s a looming deadline, or pick up some work at home.

          You bend, and decide where the line is for you. The more responsibility you have in your role the further toward the company’s side that line will be; if you’re a technician paid hourly the line might be closer to “zero” – if you’re a technical lead with a salary it might shift some. If you’re above that then it could be considerably more.

          If you act as if the company’s problems are not your own you’ll never be elevated to higher level positions. If that’s the tradeoff you’re willing to make that’s your prerogative, but you should be aware that you ARE giving up something for this sharp line.

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          2. Olive*

            While I have boundaries where my coworkers aren’t the same as my friends, typically I’ll do extra work up to a point if it will make life easier for my team – the individuals I have to work with who will have a worse time if I don’t help out. With a deadline, that’s something I’ve committed to as part as my job responsibilities – if I’m not on time to meet it, that’s probably partly on me and part of the scope of my job. I mean, I don’t just not do my job and say, well that’s the company’s problem.

            But I’m already at a senior level in my company, so I do realize I have more ability to push back with fewer consequences. And on the flip side, I want to model to younger junior employees that as a team, the senior employees aren’t to roll over every time corporate wants to move the goalposts.

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      3. ferrina*

        A closer example might be insider trading. There is an ethical and legal obligation to not use the confidential knowledge that you have to enrich your wealth. I think insider trading also extends to spouses (I’m far from an expert, so please correct me!). That doesn’t mean you can’t talk to your spouse, but it limits what your spouse can do with the information.

        I think that’s where I fall. If LW talks to their partner, the partner is limited in what they can do with that information. They can’t change their on-the-job performance or relationships with coworkers based on this information. Most people would find that somewhere between difficult and impossible. So LW either needs to break the company’s confidence and tell their partner, or break the partner’s confidence and withhold the information. I guess LW needs to choose whether they’d be more willing to lost their job or their partner.

        There is a third option which may or may not be in the realm of possibilities, and that is a firewall. LW and Partner could decide that they will not talk about work at home. This is a conversation, not a default; they both need to agree that they will not talk about work, even (and especially) if there is information that would change what the other person would do. Any communications about work take place at work as a part of the role each of them have at work. This requires very certain type of personalities and partnership to work, and definitely isn’t an option for many people.

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    3. Meep*

      I mean, her own interests presumably involve keeping her job. I personally would not risk it for a boyfriend who was looking elsewhere anyway. He may have a new job in 2 months regardless.

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      1. Jack Straw from Wichita*

        Given the job market right now, 2 months would be amazing, but he’s probably looking at 4-6 months to secure a new role. The interviewing and onboarding process alone takes around 2 months.

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  5. Czhorat*

    Professional integrity is important, but you should never choose loyalty to your company over loyalty to your life partner.

    I agree that they were very wrong to put you in that position; even if you don’t notify them that you’ll tell your partner any upper manager with a scintilla of insight into human behavior should *know* that you will, especially if you live together or otherwise have shared personal finances.

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    1. Not Tom, Just Petty*

      This. The company wanted to be personal instead of being professional and promoted OP knowing her relationship to a member of staff. Now they expect her to be professional and not personal.
      This is exactly what Alison means about kindness. It would have been kinder in the beginning to say, we cannot promote either one of you because of your relationship. Instead, they kicked the problem down the road and it blew up the road.

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    2. Kes*

      And this is exactly why OP shouldn’t be in this position in the first place: because it’s unreasonable for the company to expect that OP will withhold really key information that affects their household from their partner for two months, but at the same time OP telling their partner does mean that their partner is going to get advanced notice and be in a better position than the rest of their team, due to their relationship with OP

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    3. Putting the Dys in Dysfunction*

      It’s not just very wrong of the company, it’s outrageously, jaw-droppingly, wrong.

      That the company expects OP to keep such essential news from her partner, with huge consequences, demonstrates at best an astounding cluelessness as to the implications of what they’re asking, or (more likely IMO) a lack of empathy as to the welfare of the people who work there.

      OP might want to weigh whether this is a company to stay with.

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      1. Dust Bunny*

        It could also have been on OP not to accept the position. OP seems to be under the impression that a sorta-informal workplace should have made this OK but it was pretty naive to go along with it in the first place.

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    4. HonorBox*

      Most (though not all, I acknowledge) of the time, personal and romantic relationships are less interchangeable than jobs. As an example, I’ve worked at four different businesses, in multiple roles, since I got married 20+ years ago. If I knew something like this about my wife’s job, you can bet I’d err on the side of loyalty to her before I’d err on the side of loyalty to my job.

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    5. TeapotNinja*

      It’s not quite as straightforward in this case.

      If she tells her husband, and the company finds out, there’s a fair chance they’ll both be out of a job at the same time. For most families this would be a catastrophic situation.

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  6. pally*

    Given that the OP knows their partner is job hunting- and the company does not know this- maybe there’s room in option #2 to offer an earlier layoff for the partner + enough extra severance to cover the weeks they would have been working. Maybe ask management about this.

    That way the OP can tell the partner and protect the confidentiality of the impending layoff.

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    2. Nicosloanica*

      This would be a bit tough and would have to be handled with a lot of integrity though, because you don’t know what other employees might prefer a buy-out – you have a responsibility to ensure your partner doesn’t get offered better outcome than others simply because you two are dating.

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    3. Decidedly Me*

      That would still be preferential treatment towards the partner and if the company doesn’t want the team to know layoffs are coming, laying someone off early signals they’re happening.

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      1. ferrina*

        Not if it were a resignation with severance.

        This kind of golden parachute is super rare for a non-C-Suite, but I think it’s a great option in this case. OP absolutely can have that conversation with upper management “You’ve put me in a terrible position with my relationship. What if we have Partner resign, give them severance to make them whole, and Partner signs and NDA and doesn’t share anything about why they resigned or the upcoming layoffs? They won’t be allowed to disparage the company in any way, or discuss any future changes the company may or may not make.”
        OP would need to be careful with this conversation- some leadership would see this as a signal that OP will tell Partner and they will try to get rid of OP instead, so it really depends on what you know of leadership.

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  7. Nicosloanica*

    I think what most people in these circumstances do is talk big-picture without any specifics and be specific about the fact that you can’t be specific. “You know I can’t talk about work in my role, but I agree that it’s not a place we can stay in long-term and I agree job searching is the best move.” Or, “based on the kind of talk I hear, I don’t think the future is bright at X corp, it sounds like they have a lot of problems. I’m going to be job searching myself.” Don’t allow yourself to answer any follow up questions, saying something like “You know I can’t talk about it.” This is how the government folks I know with clearance deal with their spouses/partners, anyway.

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    1. Observer*

      No, I don’t think that anyone is going to do that.

      Outside of their partner’s job, it would be unethical. Given that it *is* the partner’s job, it’s too vague.

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    3. Trout 'Waver*

      What? No most people don’t act in the way you describe. I, for one, would leave a partner that treated me in this way. If it’s security clearance stuff, that’s one thing. But in response to this? You tell your partner because they’re your partner.

      I can’t ever imagine dropping vague hints about this to my partner, refusing to answer any follow-up question, and them being OK with it afterwards.

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      1. HannahS*

        Yeah. It’s not like they have a legal obligation to keep it confidential. I get security clearance stuff, I get the classic “when can/should/must a healthcare provider breach confidentiality” ethical dilemmas, but this isn’t that. This isn’t even, like, insider trading. The OP is in a totally untenable position, and it’s likely that they’ll have to choose either the company or the job.

        Personally, I know my partner to be someone who can keep a secret. I would push back once to my own supervisors, asking them to disclose to the team. If they refused, I would quietly start job searching and tell my partner what was going on and insist on discretion. A company that allows their employees to be in the situation that the LW is in is not a good place to stay long-term.

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    4. Samwise*

      There’s a difference between knowledge for which you must have a security clearance, and knowledge about your partner’s impending layoff. “You know I can’t talk about it” — that does not work in the OP’s situation. Especially since the partner is going to find out that the OP knew **for sure**, not just that they had a feeling (“I don’t think the future is bright at X corp”).

      If I were the partner, I would understand (objectively) why they didn’t tell me, but that would be the end of the relationship because my partner did not take care of me and put the employer ahead of me.

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      1. What_the_What*

        “If I were the partner, I would understand (objectively) why they didn’t tell me, but that would be the end of the relationship because my partner did not take care of me and put the employer ahead of me.”

        I’ll be honest–I’m very conflicted in this case. Everyone seems to think it’s cut and dried that “well she owes her partner cuz… partner,” but… what about the other 10-15 people (however many) who will also have financial impacts, etc… She is only privileged to know this due to her management role. If they weren’t partners, she’d not even think of telling him. And if *I* found out that “Joe” knew 2 months before I did that we were being laid off and got a job ahead of the layoff because he just happens to be (literally) sleeping with the boss, I’d be furious that he knew. Either they all need to know, or they all can’t know. When she accepted the job in management, she had to understand that there has to be a firewall between worklife “things I’m going to know that I cannot and will not share with you” and homelife. It’s a miserable position for the OP, but I’d feel like crap if I was like “whew, at least WE got our financial ducks in a row before all those other losers found out about the layoffs! Aren’t we lucky that I’m privy to confidential information?!” This is an ethical and personal nightmare, but since OP says he’s looking for a job anyway, and it could all end up moot, I’m sorry but I’d keep it hush. Hard as it is. It isn’t about being loyal to the company it’s about giving her partner an unfair advantage that HIS coworkers don’t have access to and letting them sink while he swims. That just doesn’t sit well with me.

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        1. lunchtime caller*

          huh??? My partner does indeed come before literally everyone else on Earth, that’s the promise we made by being partners. Best of luck to the rest of the population.

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          1. What_the_What*

            Best of luck to your ethical reputation and getting another job when you get fired for revealing confidential information then. The OP could have turned down the promotion, or one or the other found different jobs, asked for transfers, whatever. She agreed to firewall the personal from the personnel. Is it hard? Hell yeah I bet it is. Where is the line? Military secrets? Poltical secrets? Office scandals? HR issues? Health issues that the OP is made aware of? Maybe she can get her leadership to okay her telling him and ONLY him, but I think if I asked for that, I’d move to a new home quick before the rest of the employees affected show up at the house with pitchforks after finding out that he knew before them!

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            1. Anon in Canada*

              She won’t get fired if he keeps the secret. And he probably will keep the secret, because knowing that “revealing this will make my partner be fired” is a very powerful incentive to keep your mouth shut.

              And even if she gets fired, is that really worse than losing a spouse who dumped you because you withheld this information from them for months? Many people in this discussion are saying that’s what they would do.

              She could also quit.

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        2. Velomont*

          “If they weren’t partners, she’d not even think of telling him”. Yes, but they are partners. LW is in what is basically an untenable situation and may even have to quit as well for the sake of their relationship.

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          1. What_the_What*

            Yes, she is in a rought spot. I 100% agree–but it’s an untenable situation she agreed to whether explicitly or implicitly when she accepted the promotion. If neither one of them, OR her bosses ever thought about or said, “Hey you may hear things or be put into situations you can’t share information with your partner, can you abide by that” then none of them were on the ball here. If she does tell him, she needs to do so with the knowledge they’re BOTH likely going to be out of work. The company should just go ahead and tell everyone what’s going on, because that 2 months would allow people to start looking for work.

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    5. L-squared*

      Yeah, that wouldn’t work for me.

      Sorry, if I’m dating you (possibly living together) and you choose to maintain your confidentiality above my financial well being, you aren’t someone I want to date.

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    6. Am I manager material?*

      In the “government”, I am going to assume this is one of the alphabet agencies in which spouses are aware that they cannot be told everything.

      An alphabet agency is not analogous to a private company.

      Finally, my ethics are different, I thought number one was the clear answer.

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    7. ferrina*

      I also know people who run their relationships this way (yay security clearance), but it’s something that the couple has to opt-in to. With the people I know, they state up front (either early on in the dating or if they are already coupled, then before they take the job) that they deal with sensitive, classified information and they can’t talk about work with their partner. The partner knows that that is what they are signing up for. It’s also really rare for Secured Partner’s work to directly impact Other Partner’s livelihood.

      I’m not sure if OP has that kind of relationship with this partner. OP can try to set up that kind of relationship now and have a really direct conversation with Partner: “Partner, I’m part of the big strategic planning at work. Any changes that happen will likely impact you. As part of my role, I can’t share any information with you. That means that even if information directly impacts you in a big way- like if you are getting promoted, reassigned, or even laid off- I can’t tell you. Are you okay with that?”
      But if Partner says that doesn’t work for them, the LW is still in the position of picking between the company and the partner.

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    1. goofball*

      Agreed.

      > My manager and the senior team have asked me not to tell him before then.

      This is such a weird expectation on the senior team’s behalf. It’s not explicitly said, but it is implied, the company does know that LW is dating this person, right??

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      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        I admit that I don’t know much about how layoffs work, but I find it odd and disconcerting that the company knows they’ll be laying these people off *two months from now* but won’t tell them until then. Is it just me, or is that a weird (not to mention disrespectful) way to do layoffs? Or maybe the company is hoping that they won’t have to lay them off and looking for a better solution and doesn’t want to announce anything in case they can keep the employees after all?

        In any case, OP, a company that is laying people off is not necessarily a great long-term option even for the people who don’t get laid off, so I agree that you also should be looking for a new job.

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        1. Union Rep*

          If they announce layoffs now for 2 months from now, people will start leaving. If enough people make it out early, the business may be impacted and (positive view) have to move up the layoffs and screw over people who planned around a particular timeline or (cynical view) the company needs to finish the quarter with a full level of productivity for its owners to extract as much as possible.

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          2. JustaTech*

            Or, if you take the extra extra cynical view, the company thinks that the employees will rob the place blind on their way out.

            A far less cynical view is that while management knows that they are laying off *some* people they haven’t decided *who* yet, and if people start leaving they’ll have to keep re-working (not to mention getting stuck only with people who didn’t manage to get new jobs).

            Also, people aren’t what you’d call super productive with a layoff or re-org hanging over their head. One place my mom worked announced a re-org a year and half before they did it. By the time they actually did the re-org *all* of their best people had left, and these are people you really can’t replace (niche academia). So there is such a thing as too much warning.

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            1. Turquoisecow*

              My husband is in management at a large company and I heard him talk about a massive reorg for like two years before it actually happened. That didn’t involve laying off large groups of people but the end result was very different from how they originally planned it 2 years prior. If they’d been thinking layoffs and told people and then they didn’t happen, people definitely would have quit or switched to what they thought would be safer departments which might not have even ended up being safer.

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        2. FromasmalltowninCanada*

          Its very normal to take some time to plan layoffs and not tell anyone until they are going to happen. In my opinion it is far kinder to be told you’re being laid off and then its effective immediately (or very soon after). I’ve worked a layoff notice period and it REALLY sucks. But I’m in Canada, and severance is normal in these situations.

          Also, right up until the layoffs happen the list of who and how many people will be let go can and often does change. OP should never have been told given the dynamics.

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          1. Hlao-roo*

            right up until the layoffs happen the list of who and how many people will be let go can and often does change

            There was a previous letter here, “my manager told us we were going to be laid off — but she was wrong” from May 17, 2027 that’s a good example of this.

            The manager told her reports they were being laid off (based on papers she saw left in the printer) so they could get a head start job-searching. The reports all found new (but worse in terms of pay and/or commute) jobs, and then found out that the company had determined other changes to save money meant no layoffs were happening at all!

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            1. Kimchi*

              2027? Wow a time travelling article;)
              But yes, I wouldn’t want to tell my employees they were being let go until I was absolutely certain.

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          2. Hannah Lee*

            Agree. For them to be done with any amount of thought, planning, preparation, it makes sense that there is going to be some lead time any company where this is done with reasonable decision making and care.

            There the work that needs to be done to ensure the right positions, departments are being eliminated, where any remaining work should be assigned, whether some of those employees could be reassigned to other positions, what the new reporting, management structure and processes will be. And there is the work make sure whatever actions the company is taking complies with relevant laws around terminations, reporting, notice including how accrued leave, insurance, other benefits are handled.

            So the planning 2 months in advance is not an ‘out of bounds’ thing for a company to do

            But what are problems are a) that they set up a reporting structure where someone manages their partner and b) that they told LW their partner will be laid off but swore them to secrecy

            … and also they suck for planning year end layoffs (October + 2 months = December … at time that very few employers are hiring and that a lot of people plan for vacations, time with families, holidays where “Surprise! you’re unemployed!” is coming at a not great time)

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            1. Tio*

              Also, people not in layoffs leave, and instead of hiring they can move some of the potentially-laid-off people around, or they do bigger numbers than they thought, or while rearranging job structures in anticipation of the layoffs they determine they need to keep some people they initially thought they wouldn’t. Because deciding to do layoffs and then doing it immediately without any kind of transition plan for the duties the people were doing would be a disaster for everyone left in the company.

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    2. Meep*

      See, maybe I am cold, but I don’t always agree this is the case of putting your partner over your job if it could financially impact you.

      People break up all the time. We do not know how long these two have been together or if they live together/share financial burden together.

      He is already leaving anyway. He could be already out the door before the layoffs happen. Or, you both could be without a job and that isn’t going to make any relationship last longer no matter how noble you think you were being.

      Unless they are long-term partners building a life together (or both people are working for that), I would not jump off the deep end for him. Then again, I wouldn’t date a coworker in the first place.

      Reply ↓
  9. Warm Hands*

    The way I see it, when you agreed to take the management role you signed up for exactly this. It was entirely predictable that a situation like this would – or at least could – arise, and you made the decision that it was worth it. Presumably (hopefully!) your partner agreed. You can try talking to your company about the situation but I don’t think you can disclose to your partner without their agreement at all – that affects and is unfair to others beyond the two of you, who do not deserve to have their employment situation affected by your relationship and unfortunate choices.

    Reply ↓
    1. Observer*

      The way I see it, when you agreed to take the management role you signed up for exactly this.

      I would flip this and say that this is what the *company* signed up for.

      No matter what the LW does, it’s unfair to everyone – and the people who made “unfortunate” choices are the managers at the company. The power disparity is real and continues.

      Reply ↓
      2. mreasy*

        Yep the company should never have allowed it. The fact that they believe OP would just not tell their partner they’re going to lose their job in 2 months reveals the same lack of judgment that led them to allow the setup in the first place. Tell your partner; if they tell their union and it causes blowback, that is a 100% predictable result of the company’s decisions.

        Reply ↓
    2. bamcheeks*

      This applies to the company too, though– when they decided to promote LW, they also knew that this is what they were signing up for, so the question is whether “LW can have two months of knowing her partner is about to be laid off” is a reasonable burden to put on LW. I would say it’s very much not!

      Reply ↓
      1. I guess my entire company was the real work wife the whole time.*

        Yes, agreed. It’s strange how many people want to hold individuals to a higher standard than they’re willing to hold a company to.

        Reply ↓
      2. Poison I.V. drip*

        The letter actually isn’t clear about the timeline. It says the OP and their partner met while coworkers. It doesn’t say when they became partners, before or after the promotion.

        Reply ↓
        1. Myrin*

          You’re right that it isn’t outright stated but I reckon it’s heavily implied that they got together before OP got promoted (not least of all because the promotion was only a year ago and it sounds like the relationship is older than that).

          Reply ↓
        2. Dust Bunny*

          Either way, the OP was at some point complicit in ending up as the semi-manager of their partner. Either they could have declined the position or they could have declined the partner.

          Reply ↓
  10. WellRed*

    And now OPs partner will be in the awkward position of knowing his teammates are being laid off. Please learn from this OP. Piss poor management on your company’s part, bit of naivete on yours.

    Reply ↓
    1. I guess my entire company was the real work wife the whole time.*

      That’s a much less awkward position than knowing your *partner* is being laid off!

      Reply ↓
  11. Chairman of the Bored*

    I would not mention this to the bosses.

    In the same situation I would regard my primary responsibility as being 100% to my spouse rather than the company that employs us. I didn’t make any vows to that for-profit entity, and they are clearly willing to eliminate employees when it is convenient for them to do so.

    My approach would absolutely be to tell Partner what I know, and if financially possible I would recommend they quit and spend those next few months focusing on a job search.

    Reply ↓
    1. Seashell*

      Quitting sounds like a bad idea, especially if getting unemployment or severance with the future layoff is a possibility. It’s generally easier to get a new job while you have a job or have only a short gap due to a department-wide layoff rather than just deciding to quit.

      Reply ↓
      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        Agreed. Might as well stick around for a couple of months and get the severance, unless Partner finds a new job in the meantime. But I do agree that Partner needs to know.

        Reply ↓
      2. Turquoisecow*

        Yeah I wouldn’t quit either, that’s throwing away money, unless Partner is so angry at the company that he doesn’t think he can act normally in front of coworkers or perform to his usual standards. But even then I’d encourage him to stay, unless we were somehow able to negotiate severance NOW in exchange for not telling coworkers or something like that.

        Reply ↓
      3. Jack Straw from Wichita*

        Yeah. This is really poor advice.

        Quitting now does absolutely nothing but mean they are no longer eligible for possible severance + unemployment. Never ever quit when you’re being laid off/furloughed.

        Reply ↓
        1. TeapotNinja*

          It’s especially poor advice since she knows her husband is also getting laid off. They could be without any income or with signficantly reduced income for quite some time.

          Reply ↓
      1. Chairman of the Bored*

        It eliminates any future conflicts of interest, frees up their time and energy for job searching, and spares them the generally not-fun experience of having to go through the motions in a job they know is going to be eliminated.

        Quitting under these circumstances isn’t something that everybody can afford, but if it’s doable it is at least an option worth considering.

        Reply ↓
        1. I should really pick a name*

          But if they’re going to be laid off in a few months anyway, the conflict of interest will still come to an end.

          They can still quit if they find a job before the layoff, and if they don’t, they’re in the same position they would have been if they quit except with a few more months pay, possible severance, and EI.

          Reply ↓
    3. Hannah Lee*

      I agree with some of what you say

      I’d absolutely tell Partner what I know. But then my next step would be to launch MY OWN active job search (because I would not want to continue working for a company that created this situation in the first place. And also, they are actively downsizing … not a rosy situation for future employment even if my position not on the chopping block at the moment)

      And also support my partner in his active job search, so both of us can be out of there and no longer in this untenable work situation.

      Reply ↓
  12. Union Rep*

    Possible option 3 – find a way to leak the impending layoffs to the union and not directly to your partner. Obviously whether you can pull this off will depend on your workplace. But you might be able to just give a vague tip to make an information request, and then the union “finds out” about the layoffs without your involvement. Middle managers (especially ones who came from the line workers) who feel torn about a decision often pass on intel like this and my experience is they often get away with it. If layoffs are a trend in your sector right now, the union should be watching the company closely anyway, so you have some plausible deniability.

    This would get you out of sitting on information your partner really needs to know without giving him special access to it just by virtue of your relationship. (I also think you have an obligation as a middle manager to undermine upper management’s leverage against the rank and file whenever you can get away with it, but you don’t have to buy into that extra level of radicalism for this to maybe be the best way to resolve your competing concerns.)

    Reply ↓
    1. Anon21*

      Love this idea. The union can fight back more effectively–whether to save jobs or get decent severance–if it knows what’s coming and when.

      Reply ↓
    2. Nebula*

      I think this will still end up with the partner finding out that OP knew before he did, and in that case, although from a workers’ rights perspective this makes sense, I think it could potentially be even more hurtful to him that OP told people at the union before him.

      Reply ↓
      1. Union Rep*

        My perspective is probably colored by being a “union person” married to another “union person,” but my partner and I would each be mad at the other if we were in this position and *didn’t* do this! I think OP would at least have a chance to explain why they chose this route.

        Reply ↓
    3. M2*

      If the company doesn’t have the money they don’t have the money! And it would get out that LW told the union most likely and that would ruin Laws career. Stuff like that usually gets out and once out word spreads and that’s that.

      LW should talk to the bosses about telling the partner but also ask the bosses if they can inform everyone ASAP. If layoffs are to happen in 2 months why not tell them now so they can start looking for work or ask about a severance. I understand employers would be worried about people not working but my uncle is being laid off in December and found out over the summer. He will get an additional severance but knowing ahead of time helped him tie everything up and he respects the company more because he had 6 months to plan. Most companies can’t do that and just follow the law to a T (like unions who I have found in my experience do the union bare minimum).

      I would not risk my career and reputation if I were LW and tell the union especially because even if it doesn’t get out who told (it will) most people will assume it’s LW because if the partner.

      This is why you should never be in a relationship with anyone you manage or anyone who you would know what happens to their department and they don’t!

      Reply ↓
      1. Trout 'Waver*

        C’mon. They have the money for executive salaries and profits. You can’t say they don’t have the money. They can choose how they spend their money, of course. But saying they don’t have it is naive.

        Reply ↓
      2. Anon21*

        They *might* not have the money to keep this whole team employed long-term. I can almost guarantee you they have money to make the severance and job search process less ruinous for those affected, and that they will not provide it unless forced. That’s what the union is for.

        Reply ↓
      3. bamcheeks*

        If the company doesn’t have the money they don’t have the money!

        This massively depends on the type of company and the reasons they are having lay-offs. Yes, sometimes companies go bust and they don’t have the money for employees and severance. And sometimes they’ve been bought out by other companies who want to get the maximum short-term benefit for their shareholders, and the money is absolutely there.

        Reply ↓
        1. Hannah Lee*

          The timing of the planned lay offs (year end) sounds like the management team is trying to get obligations off their books, financial reports for the following year. Depending on when the company’s fiscal reporting year end and tax year end is, it’s a common move to avoid having to accrue future expenses for those employees who are being cut and reduce their projected expenses for the early part of the year (for example, in the US, employer payroll tax payments are usually front loaded in the first part of the year until all employees reach the wage cap for those taxes. (State and Federal Unemployment, other federal and state contributions)

          Which is often done to ‘pretty things up’ because they can, not necessarily because of a desperate need or lack of funds. The company size, # of employees at year end can also change reporting requirements, as well as how certain benefits such as stock options, paid time off, and retirement plan contributions are issued, calculated … ie people not actively employed at year end are not eligible for benefits, payments they would have gotten otherwise.

          Reply ↓
    4. OP*

      This is an interesting point (although I don’t think I’d feel comfortable telling the union and not my partner). I didn’t make it clear but the layoffs aren’t actually taking effect until Spring next year, so I’m hoping that there’ll still be ample time for the union to support staff even if it doesn’t get leaked to them.

      Reply ↓
  13. Roland*

    I think the only way to avoid harm to your relationship is to tell him, and if you tell him that’s it for your job there. Unfortunate but that’s how I see it.

    Reply ↓
  14. Anon in Canada*

    The vast majority of people would feel massively betrayed if they found out their partner knew about this layoff (months in advance!) and didn’t tell them. This could easily degenerate into a separation/divorce.

    A romantic partner is more important than a company. Tell him now, and make it extremely clear that the company cannot find out you told him. I’d start the conversation with something like “I’m about to tell you something that you absolutely must keep a secret, do you agree to those conditions” before revealing the info.

    Reply ↓
    1. Happy Camper*

      I’m realizing how much in the minority I am today in the comment section. But my view point is coloured VERY much by having nearly all of my loved ones and myself working in fields where confidentiality is SO important. I lean the route of being indirect in telling my partner to ramp up the job search. But clearly most people disagree.

      Reply ↓
      1. Anon in Canada*

        This is absolutely nothing like working in, say, federal law enforcement, defense contractors, politician’s staff, etc. where you can’t even tell others what you even do in your job.

        OP isn’t going to face criminal charges for revealing the info to her partner.

        Reply ↓
        1. Happy Camper*

          I’m starting to realize that! Everyone I am connected to on a level where I might owe them over my job can’t reveal who they work with/what they do, etc. So my reaction is, you’ve been given confidential information, you can’t share it. Full stop. Realizing that MANY people wouldn’t approach it that way.

          Reply ↓
      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I’m with you. But I wouldn’t have accepted a position where I was working at the same company as my partner at all, let alone in a position where one of us manages the other, exactly BECAUSE I work in a field that has federal guidelines around confidentiality and I’m not willing to have to make that choice.

        Reply ↓
      3. Strive to Excel*

        I’ve found that in those industries where confidentiality is more important the rules about managing/working with partners are also much stricter.

        I would also encourage Partner to amp up job searching.

        Reply ↓
        2. Anon in Canada*

          Yeah I highly doubt that a workplace where security clearances are required would have allowed this setup to exist in the first place.

          Reply ↓
      4. WellRed*

        Whether or not someone us about to lose their job seems like it would be outside of a lot of confidentiality agreements, though?

        Reply ↓
  15. Peter the Bubblehead*

    My advice – similar to that posted above – would be for both of you to find other jobs ASAP. And for different companies so this issue doesn’t come up again.
    I would not want to work for a company that tells me my partner/spouse/SO is getting laid-off in two months and stipulates I cannot tell her this fact.

    Reply ↓
  16. DE*

    You have to tell your partner. He should mean more to you than your employer does. If I found out my partner hid this information from me I would dump them right then and there.

    Reply ↓
  17. Seashell*

    I think you can tell the partner without really telling him. Tell him you can’t tell him all the details, because it would get you in trouble at work and you don’t want to put either of you in a bad position if it comes out, but he should step up his job search.

    Reply ↓
  18. L-squared*

    To me, you either have to decide which you prioritize, your relationship or your job.

    Because either way, you are going to be messing up one of these relationships.

    I’d tell him though, because he can at least start job hunting now and get a head start on it. The problem is, whether or not its fair to expect him to keep it private. I assume he is close with people on the team, and if he knows and can prepare and they can’t, that is a crappy position for everyone.

    But I agree your company screwed this up big time.

    Reply ↓
  19. aarti*

    My company had to let two good people go. They did really good by them. They gave them six months’ notice and they knew and then the staff knew so we could help them. Seeing how this worked I don’t see why more companies can’t do this. If they leave early because they found another job (which helped with one of our employees) then so be it. It is respectful to them.
    No way would I hid it from my partner.

    Reply ↓
    1. JustADrone*

      Having 6 months’ notice sounds like absolute hell. Give a generous severance package and let them move on without dangling this over their head for 6 months.

      Reply ↓
  20. Nia*

    LW should tell everyone not just her partner. Its disgusting that management *knows* they’re laying off a bunch of people in two months(in December?!) and they’re all fine with just blindsiding them rather than giving them proper warning so they can job hunt.

    Reply ↓
    1. Eat my Squirrel*

      Yeah this bothers me too. I had to lay off one of my employees last year, and the amount of time between management being informed of a layoff and the impacted employees being informed was like two weeks. And that was only because we needed that time to take training on how to do it and go through the hr forms of choosing who. And then they got six weeks notice and a solid severance package. It still sucked but it could have been so much worse if they had eaten up that notice period with management aware.

      Reply ↓
    2. M2*

      Then Lw will be fired and reputation in tatters. Even though I think what the company is doing is wrong if I heard that someone I interviewed for hire told everyone or even told their partner confidential information I would never hire them.

      I work with confidential information and people
      Who work for me sign NDAs but in the past (before i came on) people did not keep some things confidential (think people’s very personal information including very very high level) and it created a s—- storm and people who were rightly let go couldn’t get a job for a long time and not in the field again and not at a management level.

      Reply ↓
      1. Nia*

        Whereas I would never hire her if I found out she didn’t warn a bunch of people they were going to lose their jobs just before the holiday. There are already far too many people in management who don’t care how many lives they ruin in their endless pursuit of more profit. Give me someone who actually cares instead.

        Reply ↓
        1. Roland*

          I promise I don’t mean this in a snarky way but are you upper management? Because that just doesn’t sound like how most companies operate. If you are then that’s awesome that you guys are like that, genuinely, thanks for fighting the good fight.

          Reply ↓
        2. SnackAttack*

          Well first off, OP says they’ll find out in December but they’ll actually be cut in spring.

          Also, while plenty of companies suck in how they handle layoffs, it’s pretty normal for upper management to know ahead of time. They might not be 100% certain of who will be let go and when. Also, things could change. Whether you agree with it or not, purposely telling people that they’re in line to be laid off would do way more harm to OP than good.

          Reply ↓
    3. Strive to Excel*

      OP says that the other’s won’t find out until December, not that they will be cut in December. I’m hoping that means the company’s not going to know about this for two months and then cut them all day of.

      Reply ↓
    4. tabloidtained*

      OP has said in another comment that the layoffs aren’t until spring, so the company is telling people in advance.

      Reply ↓
  21. Fish out of water*

    I agree that you must tell your partner. In your shoes, I would frame it as a “planning for *our* future together” to make your sort of thing: “I need to tell you that our company is going to be laying people off. Your name is on the table. I’m so sorry. How would you like *us* to handle this?” or “I’d like for the two of us to figure out how to approach this together; I don’t want you to have to deal with this alone.”

    Among other things, this sort of approach opens the door to dealing with the whole mess of this situation as a unit—you are not at fault, but you do hold more power than he does in this situation. It’ll go a long way toward addessing that imbalance to frame this in a way that offers him some decisionmaking power back and to show you’re on his side.

    When you say “My job is safe”—I wouldn’t lead with that with your partner. Rather, treat this like a situation where you are both in an untenable position. Because you are.

    Reply ↓
  22. Not Tom, Just Petty*

    Just and aside, I opened the page and read the headline: I Manage My Partner and He Doesn’t Know His Job.
    So I was expecting a very different situation.
    Scrolled back to the top
    …is Being Cut.
    OOOH!!! that makes more sense.

    Reply ↓
  23. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

    Option 1 has an additional caveat. Now partner knows his team is also being laid off. How is he going to handle that?

    Reply ↓
  24. Llellayena*

    Maybe you can approach this with the company from a more global perspective. State that they put you in an untenable position, but it could give them an opportunity to approach layoffs a different way. Ask if they’d be willing to announce that layoffs are coming and they’re looking for volunteers to be laid off earlier with severance. Since you know your partner is job hunting (but don’t tell your company) it gives you an opening to discuss the layoffs with your partner (at home) in the context of their current job hunt and does it make sense to take the early layoff with severance. From the company’s perspective, people laying themselves off reduces the burden of agonizing over who stays/goes. From the employee perspective there’s time to plan for the adjustment (in work status, work load, finances…).

    Reply ↓
    1. learnedthehardway*

      This seems like the best option to me. It would have additional benefit of making the company treat all of its employees fairly.

      Reply ↓
  25. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

    I also wouldn’t assume “my job is safe” Just as they are secretly planning layoffs they are not telling your partner about, there is nothing stating they aren’t doing the same to you.

    Reply ↓
    1. Trout 'Waver*

      Yeah, this. A lousy tactic poorly run companies sometimes employ is to make a junior manager do the layoffs so the execs don’t have to and then sack that junior manager at the end of it.

      The paranoid portion of my brain thinks they’re intentionally setting OP up because they suspect OP will tell their partner. And that will give them cause to fire OP.

      Reply ↓
    3. Your genderqueer dad*

      Absolutely this. If they’re willing to lie through omission to the team being let go, they’re willing to lie through omission to OP.

      I would set the whole thing ablaze – let the whole team know the bosses plan to let them go and pretend I didn’t tell them when the bosses ask me how they found out. But there’s a reason I’m not the advice columnist.

      Reply ↓
    5. HonorBox*

      I think even if “my job is safe” and that’s a done deal, I’d highly recommend OP start looking elsewhere too. This doesn’t seem like the kind of place you’d want to be long-term if this is a position they’re putting you in.

      Reply ↓
  26. Water Everywhere*

    I have to wonder how safe your own job really is, if the entire team you assistant-manage is going to be laid off. In your shoes I would tell my partner, leaving it up to him to decide who to share that info with, and also ramp up my own job search immediately.

    Reply ↓
  27. Person from the Resume*

    I think LW#1 is a terrible situation. Her partner is going to be laid off soon. I’m not clear if finances are intertwined but by using the term partner I’m assuming that they are.

    If she warns him and the company finds out, it doesn’t stop his layoff and she could be immediately fired and in a few months no one in the household has a job.

    The LW should never be in this situation. She should not be managing her partner’s team. She should not be privy to her partner’s upcoming layoff. I know that might be awkward because she’s managing his team but she should never have been given this info in the first place.

    Reply ↓
    1. HonorBox*

      I’ve been thinking very similarly to what you state in your third paragraph. I’ll set aside that she shouldn’t be managing partner’s team. That ship sailed. BUT someone in upper management needed to step back as the conversations were occurring and realize that she cannot be part of these conversations at all. It would suck to be excluded from high-level management decisions that impact your team, but I think it would suck less than having to walk this tightrope.

      Reply ↓
  28. Strive to Excel*

    For union folks/organizers in the comments:

    Will it actually be less work and money *for the company* to keep the layoffs quiet? Surely OP’s partner & coworkers could still launch complaints through the union even if they get blindsided with the layoff. It seems that they’re setting up to be combative, rather than negotiate.

    I know that having notice + severance would be best for the union & for OP’s coworkers, but I’m wondering what arguments OP (or someone in a similar position) could bring to the table to convince the company that it would be good for them too.

    Reply ↓
  29. OP*

    Hello, I’m the OP. Thanks for your insights everyone, a lot of this is helpful. Once I’d had more time to process this sh*tshow it became obvious to me that I can’t not tell my partner, it’s more a case of how to do that in the best way – ideally in a way that doesn’t result in us both losing our jobs in a short time frame.

    Partner is likely to be deeply uncomfortable about knowing before the rest of the team so one reason I am hesitating is that I am concerned that it’ll end up being leaked to the team, and then the whole company, in which case I’d definitely lose my job and that could have quite serious repercussions for future job prospects too.

    A couple of things which came up which maybe weren’t clear from my letter (I wrote it literally the day this happened to me so wasn’t exactly thinking straight).

    1) The lay-offs aren’t happening in 2 months, this is just when they’re telling staff, any layoffs won’t happen until next year.
    2) It’s not certain who’ll be laid off and I don’t know the extent of it yet, so my partner’s job is at risk but it’s not 100% that he’ll lose his job.

    For the record, totally agree it was a terrible idea for me to be managing his team. It’s my first time in a managerial role and I think we were both naive about that part (and mgmt should have known better). Lesson learnt! But more here to discuss the immediate situation.

    Reply ↓
    1. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      Thanks for chiming in, OP.
      The lead time for the layoffs is both good and bad, and it sounds like it may be part of a WARN, hence the notice well in advance of the layoff.

      I’m torn about how to discuss with your partner (and any other staff who might catch word either just by vibe at work or through any public announcements) but since you don’t have confirmation of who may be actually laid off, you can lean hard on the “I don’t know who’s affected, but if you’ve got a reason (ex, your partner is your manager) to up your job search this may be a good time” response.

      Reply ↓
    2. Tio*

      Hmmm. If they’re announcing the layoffs and there is still a runway between the announcement and the happening, honestly, I might not tell them in this case. Especially since they’re already job searching.

      Speaking of which, you do realize if they quit before the layoffs are announced due to a new job, it might LOOK like you told them, even if you don’t? That could become a problem.

      Reply ↓
      1. OP*

        Potentially, although I think as cuts and layoffs are happening sector-wide it’s very plausible that my partner would have been job hunting anyway.

        Reply ↓
  30. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

    I would sit my partner down and say to him:

    “I have to tell you something very serious, but you must first promise to keep what I’m going to tell you a secret from everyone – family, friends and coworkers.”
    (now wait until he agrees)
    “We both have to seriously job hunt because I have been ordered not to tell you something, but I prioritise YOU over the company: You are going to be laid off in about 2 months and I will likely be fired immediately if they find I’ve told you – which is why you can NOT tell even your bestie at work. We must avoid us both becoming unemployed”

    Don’t feel guilty about not keeping confidentiality: Your company created this conflict of interest by their foolish decision to put you in his chain of command, so the fault is theirs.

    Reply ↓
    1. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      oops I see the Op has just posted above re layoff timing etc, but the basics remain

      Reply ↓
  31. DrSalty*

    I would go with option #1 so your partner can put his job search into the next gear. If you can’t trust your partner not to jeopardize YOUR job by keeping it a secret, you have a relationship problem.

    Reply ↓
  32. Librarian*

    why does the company know they are going to lay people off and they aren’t telling them all right now? if its uncertain, say so. if it’s certain, give people time to prepare, job hunt, save money, change plans.

    Reply ↓
    1. Guacamole Bob*

      Planning for layoffs is complicated, especially in a union environment. The number of positions, which positions, etc. may still be in flux. Sometimes management decides to offer voluntary buyouts before involuntary layoffs. Sometimes there are union notice requirements and things need to be cleared through legal. Sometimes severance is specified in a union contract and sometimes it isn’t and needs to be determined. Sometimes you don’t want to give too much advance notice because a project needs to be finished and you don’t want people to quit en masse before that.

      I doubt that there’s a finalized plan that leadership just decided to sit on for two months. They probably know the broad outlines and are still working out details. That’s very normal in cases like this.

      Reply ↓
  33. Harper*

    I would go with option 1. I’d tell my partner and ask him to keep it a secret and protect me if at all possible, but I’d also start job hunting immediately with the expectation that this situation could very well lead to both of us being unemployed. I don’t think I would tell the company I’m planning to tell my partner. Too much potential for something to go wrong. Also, with things like layoffs, someone *always* talks. Word of this will get out, and there won’t be any way for the company to prove (in any actionable way) that OP was the source of the leak.

    Reply ↓
  34. Catherine*

    I mean, ultimately it comes down to: how much do you value this relationship?

    I’ve been in relationships with people whom I would never share this kind of information with. Now I’m partnered with someone whom I would never withhold this information from.

    Basically, is this a relationship you want to keep long-term, and is this a company you want to be employed at long-term? OP, only you can figure that out, but it’s not inherently shameful to decide that the job is better worth having than the partner.

    Reply ↓
    1. ferrina*

      Totally agree with this.

      Either way, you are likely to lose one of them. At this point OP needs to choose which one they are keeping.

      Reply ↓
  35. ferrina*

    How long has OP been with their partner?

    OP doesn’t say, and it makes a difference what their relationship is like. If they’ve been dating for a few months, that is very different than being together for a few years and living together. If OP has only been dating Partner for a few months, it’s more reasonable for the company to expect OP to keep the information from Partner. But if OP is clearly in a long-term, established, committed relationship, then the company is way more amiss in expecting OP to keep it a secret (either way the company shouldn’t allow partnerships in direct reporting lines, even if they think they are being clever by having someone technically report to someone different than the rest of the team).

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  36. Spooky*

    Truly bonkers that your company would put you in this situation, and also wouldn’t realize that this is obviously a potential disaster and be discussing options with you themselves! “Yeah just don’t mention this to Bill.” Like, as if that’s going to be the end of the conversation?

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    1. OP*

      Right!!? To be honest I wondered if they are just expecting that I will tell him but didn’t want to say it explicitly? But that seems like a terrible way to operate.

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  37. Pelikan*

    3rd not necessarily great but could ultimately work out better option:
    You and partner both get new jobs *at separate places*

    Way easier said than done but it does sidestep the whole quandary AND has the added bonus of not winding up in this mess again!

    Good luck regardless of what you decide OP. This really does suck :-(

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  39. HelloBonjour*

    Corollary: A number of HR manager or Head of HR’s partners work in the same company. Is this ok?

    An HR manager actually asked in the job interview if it’s ok to work in the same company as her partner. The company said yes.

    A Head of HR in my town married to the CEO of the company. The CEO and best buddies will never be fired…

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  40. TheBunny*

    OP I’m sorry. This is awful.

    I agree with Alison that you have to tell him. Hopefully your company is reasonable and option 2 works for everyone.

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  41. Jamoche*

    When one of my first Silicon Valley companies was going into a death spiral, thanks to a very ill-advised merger, Best Manager Ever was told that his team’s project was going to be cancelled, but don’t tell the team because they wanted to reassign us to projects so far outside our areas of expertise that we’d be miserable. Upper management came from the company we’d merged with, which was in an area where jobs were much more scarce so they thought we’d be desperate to keep ours, but the Valley was in a hiring boom and we were prestigious so recruiters were circling like sharks.

    BME left that meeting and immediately called us all in to tell us all the above, and he’d help us with resumes. And that’s one of the reasons why I call him Best Manager Ever.

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  42. Hyaline*

    Slightly dissenting opinion here, but I kind of feel that the wrinkle of the LW managing her partner is a bit of a red herring to the core ethical question, as the core ethical question is “who deserves my loyalty, partner or company, when I’m asked by the company to withhold information that seriously affects my partner.” LW could have been made privy to this kind of information WITHOUT being in her partner’s management chain: being senior enough in another department completely separate from him, being part of a department that was briefed on this news first for job-related reasons, etc. So I think you can safely put a pin in the hand-wringing over her managing her partner when it comes to this question and just answer the core question, which IMO is a no-brainer–the company is asking people (not just LW) to withhold information from ALL of these employees (not just LW’s partner) for purely self (company) motivated reasons. By all means disregard that order with your integrity intact; it was not a particularly ethical order anyway. In fact, see what you can do to let the cat out of the bag with the union anonymously. (Yes, I know this kind of “keep it hush hush” happens all the time–but intentionally keeping people in the dark about their imminent job loss has absolutely zero upsides for anyone but the company.)

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