my abusive father is a beloved public figure — and we have to attend an event together

by Alison Green on October 9, 2024

A reader writes:

I’m estranged from my father, who was a truly terrible emotional abuser — maybe physical too, if you consider “kick child out of car for turning the volume down during a good song so now he has to walk home along the highway for an hour” child endangerment. We haven’t spoken in years. However, he is a beloved public figure — real national treasure, strangers recognize him on the street.

I get a lot of people, including my coworkers or industry contacts, coming up to me, delighted, wanting to send him regards. Many have some kind of connection to him from years ago.

Once I tried saying “actually, we’re estranged” and I may as well have thrown ice water over the lady. It’s a lot to drop on an unsuspecting fan. But I find it infuriating that when I quickly change the subject, I am coming across as cold and blunt. Feels like my reputation takes an unfair hit no matter what I say.

Here’s the real problem. What should I do about the huge upcoming awards evening where, irony upon irony, we are BOTH finalists (in different categories)? The organizers and media will love the “look, father and son!” angle, mention it on stage, want to take a pic, etc.

I refuse to take a picture or share a table with him. But emailing the organizers may frame me as the drama-stirrer attacking a famous man’s spotless reputation. I suppose I could miss the event. But why should I have to? This is all so unfair. Any suggestions?

I’m so sorry, what an awful situation. It’s bad enough to have an abusive family member; it adds a whole additional layer of trauma when the world loves the person, doesn’t see who they really are, and thinks you’re incredibly lucky to be associated with them.

The onus is not on you to find a way to make this comfortable for other people. You should do what you’re most comfortable with, which means that you don’t need to hide who your father is if you’d prefer not to. But if it’s most comfortable for you to keep things low-key, one line you could try in social situations is “We’re not close.” Or, “We’ve never been close.” That says quite a bit without going all the way to “we’re estranged.”

For the upcoming awards event: Would you be comfortable contacting the organizers and saying, “My father and I aren’t close and I would like to sit at a different table from him”? You could also say, “I’m requesting that you not plan any joint photos” if you’re concerned about that. In fact, if you have an agent or other rep, this is something they can and should handle for you, and can probably do it with a reasonable amount of delicacy.

I wonder too, if you can bring a guest who will run interference for you — someone who will keep an eye on where your father is and steer you away from him if needed and so forth. You should also decide ahead of time how you’ll respond if you’re asked to do a joint photo so that you’re not having to come up with a response on the fly. One option is a brisk, “No thanks!” You don’t need to explain why, and if people draw their own conclusions, so be it.

None of this should come across as you being a drama-stirrer trying to besmirch a famous man’s reputation. You’ll just be calmly and non-dramatically conveying your boundaries without any commentary on him.

I think you’re worried that there’s no way to maintain these boundaries without revealing your feelings about your father; you feel like the requests themselves will reveal all, because of what you know they’re rooted in. But remember that families are complicated in so many different ways, and a much less fraught situation could lead to someone making these requests too.

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{ 124 comments }

{ 124 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Birb*

    I have no advice, but as someone who is also estranged from a very well respected parent (on local billboards) this is my worst nightmare. OP, I feel for you.

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  2. Artemesia*

    my concern would be that doing this too soon would mean the OP is not considered for the award. Can he wait until he is informed he will have the award or is that not announced until the event.

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      1. Ellis Bell*

        The point of it might have been to make a father son highlight, or to please OPs father. Hopefully OP has a well regulated ethical industry.

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    3. Yadah*

      It’s unlikely that the person dealing with seating arrangements and press inquiries has that much sway over the jury/selection committee.
      And if the event is soon enough for OP to be worried about this the winners have probably already been selected.

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      1. NotBatman*

        I think it really does depend on the industry. If it’s a well-established national org or guild (see: the APA), then the awards should be chosen and OP should be fine. If OP’s sense of the industry is instead that it’s catty, secretive, cliquey, and vengeful (see: fiction publishing) then he might need to factor that into his planning process.

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        1. Lenora Rose*

          Even fiction publishing doesn’t let mild background requests to accommodate family estrangement affect who’s chosen for the awards.

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  3. Snarkus Aurelius*

    Here’s what I say when someone compliments my mom:

    “How nice. I had a different experience knowing her.”

    Or if I really don’t care:

    “I wish I could say I had a similar experience knowing her as you did.”

    Then I shrug.

    Other people’s feelings about my mom aren’t my responsibility to manage. Although I’m not going to blab the specifics of her abuse, I have no obligation to agree or reinforce the sunny reputation she has either.

    You already protected yourself once with estrangement. Don’t second guess yourself by falsely thinking you’re stirring up drama with self-preservation.

    I guarantee you, your dad doesn’t give a crap if people think he’s stirring up drama with you.

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    1. Mentally Spicy*

      My dad and I were not close. He wasn’t at all abusive but just quiet and cold. Somewhat unemotional. Never said “I love you.”

      (In the years since he died both my son and I have been diagnosed as on the autistic spectrum. I now believe my dad was too. Knowing this puts a lot of stuff into perspective.)

      I remember at his funeral old work colleagues of his coming to me and saying how funny he was, how he kept them laughing all day. They loved him! All I could think was “wow, I really wish I’d known the man they were talking about”.

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      1. Anon4this*

        My biological father is still alive – we are not estranged, and *he* might even think we’re close, but I frequently wish I knew the man his friends know. My mother and 3 stepmothers must have at least met that man at some point, but I’m the only one who has been stuck with the *real* him for 55 years.

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        1. Czhorat*

          Family members fit three categories:

          alive
          dead
          dead to me

          It’s tough when a family member is in the last category for you but not for others in the community. Just look forward to the day when the move into the second category.

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      2. Distracted Librarian*

        “I really wish I’d known the man they were talking about” seems like a great line to use in these circumstances. It says a lot without introducing extra drama.

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      3. Ally McBeal*

        My grandfather was apparently like this. He died when I was little, and my parents always described him as strict and not particularly emotionally available. A couple years I stumbled across a “Remembering John Smith” doc that my uncle put together, compiling comments from the many groups of people he knew over the years (the family moved every 4-5 years due to grandpa’s job) and he appears to be a totally different person. Outgoing, generous, funny… it was very strange.

        Related… fortunately, most people who know my mother understand why her children are estranged from her, so I don’t get questions like this anymore.

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    2. ferrina*

      All of this.

      Thankfully neither of my parents are public figures, but when people talk about how lovely my parents are, it gets awkward. And I refuse to own that awkwardness- I already have the cPTSD from my childhood, and that’s more than enough baggage. Someone else gets to deal with the awkwardness of “but my hero isn’t as wonderful as I thought they were!” and “but faaaaaaamily”

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      1. Worldwalker*

        Same here. Everyone loves my mother — she’s charming, friendly, etc. They don’t know the reasons why we can only get along if our contact is limited to a single weekly phone call. And they’re not going to. But indeed, how I wish I knew — and had grown up with — the person they know.

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        1. sagewhiz*

          Oh, how I relate to your mother! I keep mine to the weekly check-in phone call too.

          And my dad, who was highly regarded by his clients, was another story…that I discovered when putting together a memory book for their 50th anniversary. So many cousins wrote stories of his patience in teaching them things. Yet for my brothers and I? We were verbally and emotionally abused at every turn, could never do anything right, received no patience at all. My youngest brother seriously contemplated suicide while in college, and when he died of an illness at 29 I often wondered if he did it to escape Dad’s constant judgement. My other brother, one of the most wonderful and compassionate people on earth, is a functional alcoholic because of the abuse. Without all the therapy I went through, I would not have built my successful career (which Dad did not approve of) or broken the legacy of dysfunction in raising my son.

          Also had a stellar teacher in high school who encouraged me as a writer. Years ago I wanted to send her a thank you letter, found her daughter, whom I’d been acquainted with, and learned her mother had died. And also learned that Teach had not only lied to us in class when she said she’d had a son who died after birth but was a truly wicked woman behind the closed doors of their home.

          Know that you, and so many of us, are not alone. That hurting child remains within us all, and we need to give that child compassion. If we’d known the person the public sees, our lives would be so different. We just have to use it to make us stronger, not break us.

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    4. Falling Acorns*

      I like this approach. I have a friend that is no longer a friend. She was recently promoted and people keep trying to tell me how great she is. Your proposed words tell the speaker that their view of the person might be correct from their frame of reference, but reminding them that not everyone has the same story without giving details.

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    5. Zahra*

      Those scripts and “We’re not close anymore/never been that close” can easily be read as “being the child of a public figure isn’t what it’s all cracked up to be”. Be it overly high expectations for a child/teen/young adult, them being absent from daily life (never came to any baseball game, for example), them being an asshole of various descriptions (from being overly condescending up to being an abuser)…

      It’s generic enough that people won’t be able to discern at a first glance which of those it is. But using the argument of wanting to keep achievements separate and not leaning on the family connection as some argued below might even be a better idea to side-step the whole thing, so I’d try that first.

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    6. LunaLena*

      This reminds me of when someone asked Hayao Miyazaki’s son about him. The son said something like “I give him top marks as a filmmaker, but zero marks as a father.” Needless to say, they do not have a good relationship.

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    7. MK*

      While what you say is true, it may also be beside the point. I mean, you are sort-of assuming that OP is stressing over if and how to communicate that he is estranged from his father for the benefit of other people, when most likely other is trying to protect himself from the unpleasant experience. And sure, the father probably doesn’t care if he is stirring up drama with OP, but that’s because he doesn’t have to, he is apparently established enough that it won’t affect him; that doesn’t really help with OP’s valid concern that telling people about the estrangement will affect his own standing.

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  4. NotToMe*

    I remember sitting at my father’s funeral, listening to everyone tell great stories about how awesome he was, and I was crying because I wished I had known the same man as they did.

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    1. Mentally Spicy*

      Wow, I literally just replied to another comment where I mentioned having pretty much the same experience! Like you, I wish I’d known the man they were talking about.

      Hugs and sympathies, internet stranger.

      Reply ↓
    2. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      Same. Although I realized at the memorial service that in some ways I did have the same experience. Only it was far more appropriate in a 1970’s mentor in a terribly competitive and harsh field than a parent. i.e. my dad was Ellis Grey. Loved and respected by colleagues and the learning experiences valued by those taught. But the Socratic method and demands for perfection isn’t great for parenting a 3 year old.

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    3. Sabina*

      Ugh, so sorry. Husband & I recently attended the funeral of his former brother- in- law who had been extremely abusive to my husband’s late sister and neices and nephew, We only attended to support the nephew who has lost a lot of family lately. Listening to the eulogies was hard. Apparently BIL had a whole other life after his first abusive marriage and was beloved by his second family and community. We just sat through everything quietly and left as soon as possible.

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    4. MotherofaPickle*

      I can guarantee I will be doing the same thing, even though my dad was a Good Dad…as far as Boomer Parents go. (My siblings and husband have legit shocked me as to what Dads could be.)

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    5. Pandas*

      Yeah, it wasn’t as emotional for us because we gave up a long time ago, but recently my brother and I were at our uncle’s funeral looking at all of the photos of him with golden child nephew after hearing all the stories about how ride or die my uncle was for people he liked, and my brother was like, “I guess he was a good Uncle to someone” and that just about summed it up.

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    6. Kara*

      Same, although I skipped the funeral. I spent 3 days pre-funeral listening to his 2nd wife (the one he married 6 weeks after my mother died) and her family talk about what a wonderful, gentle, patient, loving step-father and step-grandfather he was. A step-grandfather, mind you to 3 adopted boys who happened to be Black and my father who wouldn’t hesitate to use a hard-r when he was drunk. But then he quit drinking when he married her.
      Anyway. Coincidentally, suddenly, the day before the service, I found out that there was an emergency at work and I absolutely couldn’t stay. So sorry. Give my love to all.
      That was 20 years ago and I’ve never regretted it.

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    7. Star Trek Nutcase*

      I had a good relationship with my dad. But I had an big negative heartsick reaction at a posthumously national award ceremony for him hearing all the wonderful speeches given by people whose lives he impacted over 40 years of service. It was so hard to hold by tears when I had to go up and accept the award and speak for the family knowing he easily gave of himself to others but had trouble doing so with family (except financially mostly).

      It really opened my eyes how our parents (as do we all) have complex lives where our interactions with others can be widely different.

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  5. Enough*

    I can’t think of a good wording but something along the lines of not stepping on/into each other’s moment to shine. I think each should get their moment as individuals. I doubt father wants to share the limelight. (unless son is a winner and he isn’t)

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    1. Brit Girl*

      I love this if the OP can pull that off then its a win/win and no one who shouldn’t gets to know the personal stuff.

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    3. CanadaGoose*

      Yes. A non-dramatic reason for wanting to attend and be honored separately is: “I’d like to stay focused on each honoree’s (professional) contributions” (sub in your topic area(s)) “…rather than personal connections or family history.”

      The more you can speak as if you assume people will act like this is a normal work event – where family of origin doesn’t usually come up – the better.

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      2. HonorBox*

        This is terrific. Steer the focus from father-son relationship to focus on the event, all nominees and all winners.

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    4. Margaret Cavendish*

      I don’t love this one. Too much opportunity for the organizers to say of course it isn’t a problem, and OP’s father would be delighted to share the stage with his beloved son, and isn’t it lovely that Beloved Son is so modest about the whole thing?

      It’s much better for OP to make it about his own needs from the beginning, so as not to get dragged into another conversation about how great his father is.

      OP, good luck with what sounds like a really complicated day. And I hope you win the award!

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      1. HonorBox*

        Trying to put myself in the shoes of the organizer, I think if someone suggested that they didn’t want to overshadow the event by focusing on the relationship, it would at least make me pause. I might be inclined to suggest that it wouldn’t be an issue, but if they repeated it, I would hope that I’d be able to read between the lines.

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    5. OrdinaryJoe*

      That was my thought, too. IF so inclined, the OP could always add something like … My father encouraged me to be independent of him and we deliberately don’t step into each other’s lanes. This sounds like it could be certainly taken as a positive and like a mutual, discussed, family standard.

      Reply ↓
  6. Unkempt Flatware*

    In my experience, when you tell people too much, they try and fight with you about it. My father is also renowned in his small way. A childhood friend’s mom came up to me at her wedding to ask how my father was.

    “I don’t know. We don’t speak.”
    “What?! He is such a great guy! That probably kills him not to speak to you.”
    “Well, the two felony convictions for crimes against women tell a different tale.”
    “I highly doubt your father would do anything like that.”
    “Okay”

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    1. Banana Pyjamas*

      I’m sorry she approached you that way. Some people are just terrible, and it’s somehow worse when they don’t mean to be.

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      2. Bast*

        They’d probably claim that it was a set up, or that there must be something wrong with those women to want to destroy a “good man.” Had a similar situation where an old high school acquaintance was arrested for SA and harassing more than 1 woman and while some people put distance, just as many people claimed that the women must have been making it up, because the guy they knew would NEVER.

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        1. Unkempt Flatware*

          This was exactly the tone in her response. I knew any more info from me would be met with, “some women will do anything…”.

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      3. But Of Course*

        My uncle’s felony convictions for child molestation are also public record, but that didn’t stop my grandparents from insisting that he was framed by his daughters and the state went along with it because they needed a qualified electrician to do the prison system’s electrical repairs, which is also why he wasn’t paroled when he was eligible for a number of years.

        The public record attached to his sex offender registry entry is chilling, according to my brother.

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      4. Observer*

        I mean, would that not be a public record???

        So? It does *occasionally* happen that someone gets unfairly convicted. And that’s all some people need to decide that “their” person was FOR SURE also innocent, despite the conviction(s).

        I mean, look at this site alone for that kind of thing. We’ve had more than one person either insist that these convictions are wrong “all the time” or tell a specific story that their person “could not” have done the crime for all sorts of reasons, some of which are pretty ridiculous.

        Depressing.

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    3. A Poster Has No Name*

      Not my experience, but I’ve had several friends bitch about the same thing. People trying to discredit their own experiences because they can’t POSSIBLY believe the person they only have surface experience with could behave entirely differently with their family.

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      1. Juicebox Hero*

        Same with the ones who insist that the beloved teacher, priest, coach, or whoever who can’t possibly have done the terrible things that they’re accused of, and then it’s the victims who get blamed and treated like crap.

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    4. Ellis Bell*

      It is totally unhinged to try and tell someone you know their parent better than they do. People like this never realise how much they sound like a cult follower.

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        1. Ellis Bell*

          That’s actually fascinating; my response to stumbling on something I didn’t foresee is to say “sorry, I had no idea”, whether it’s someone’s foot, or some unforeseen or unknown facts. It just hadn’t occurred to me that doubling down on ‘you should talk to your father’ is a surprise response but, okay, food for thought.

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          1. MK*

            Were you ever actually told that someone you liked, admired and respected was a horrible parent, and you immediately accepted it with “sorry, I had no idea”? Or are you just assuming you would react in the way you believe correct?

            Denial is, in fact, a very common reaction to bad news.

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    5. ferrina*

      Sounds like you handled it incredibly well!
      I hope that person didn’t ruin your experience of the wedding- sometimes these interaction have given me trauma flashbacks, but I’ve found it got better as I got older and desensitized.

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    6. Paint N Drip*

      “Okay” is an incredibly restrained and polite response to that genuine nonsense, and I applaud you for choosing that instead of psychic fireballs exploding from your eyes

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    7. Lacey*

      Yes. This is so true.

      But, honestly, people are going to find a way to be mad about it no matter what.

      You tell them too little, they assume you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill.
      You tell them too much and they’re working overtime to explain why it couldn’t possibly be true and your wee little brain just got confused.

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    8. Blarg*

      I still have to do the “don’t know, we don’t speak” for my dad. But for my mom I can say, “oh, she’s dead.” And I say it in the tone of voice of “oh, she is doing great.”

      I am just beyond the point of caring if other people are offended. I was raised by them, my opinion counts more than anyone else’s.

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    9. It’s A Butternut Squash*

      Okay is honestly the perfect cutting answer to that and I applaud you.

      I had someone (another family member) tell me once “No mother would never do that to her child.” I was too enraged to know what to say. I guess no woman had ever killed a child either and all those news stories are made up.

      Wish I had just said “okay.”

      Reply ↓
  8. Yadah*

    +10000 to the idea that a manager or agent (if you’ve got one) should be managing this conversation.

    Definitely talk to the event organizers, a no-show nominee is awkward and a no-show winner is even worse so they will want to make it easy and appealing for you to attend.

    The other angle here is to use a little white lie leveraging the hot topic of nepo babies.
    “It’s really important for me at this point in my career to be seen as a talented individual in my own right and not just be recognized for my connection to my father, so please don’t orchestrate any media or spotlights that focus on that connection”

    If there’s a red carpet that you’re expected to walk you’ve got 2 scenarios: if it’s a timed carpet contact the organizers to ensure it’s not timed at the same slot (or shortly after) as your dad, going earlier is better if you can because they always run behind.
    If it’s not timed, see if you can find out when he’s arriving and schedule your arrival accordingly.
    Remember that all press is voluntary to engage with, you can skip anything and end any interview or photo moment when you want to end them.

    Honestly, if you can bring a guest I’d do so as AAM suggested, but give them the title of “handler/manager” for the evening if that seems appropriate for your industry. They don’t need to do any work, just be an excuse. “Sorry, my manager is saying I have to move on” “sorry, my handler is ushering me to the next room” “Thanks for your time, my manager is flagging me so I have to step away”

    Actors do this all the time, it’s a way to make sure they always come across as gracious and willing to give their time, it’s just outside forces preventing them from doing so.

    Good luck OP, and congrats on the nomination! You deserve to celebrate this moment!

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    2. HonorBox*

      The little lie is perfect. Especially because you’re both nominated (and in separate categories), it would be great for you to be there, standing on your own merits.

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  9. Banana Pyjamas*

    I’m sorry this is so hard for you. I think in the day to day its fine to say you’ll send you’re regards and just not do it. No advice for the awards ceremony though.

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    2. ArtsNerd*

      Yes, it’s perfectly fine to lie to exit the interaction if you are willing to do it. My dad does this without any estrangement or drama issues.

      He is an identical twin and people would mistake him for his brother when he visited his hometown. I was with him once, and the person, “oh my mistake! I completely forgot he had a twin! Please do send my regards!” Dad replied, cheerily: “Will do!” I asked him how he would do that given that the stranger never introduced themself. “Oh that always happens; I just stopped trying.”

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  10. Successful Birthday Rememberer*

    No advice – I am just sorry. I was estranged from my father too. He died of cancer and everyone told me I would always regret not visiting him before he died. I didn’t see him, and I have never regretted having the boundary.
    I hope you win, and that you do without having to interact with him.
    <3

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    1. Pita Chips*

      Media has a big attachment to deathbed reconciliations and that influences a lot of people to believe in it.

      It’s not going to happen on my end either and I won’t be at the funeral.

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    2. ferrina*

      I hate that line- “you’ll regret it!” It lays the blame for unreasonable people at the feet of the more reasonable person. Bonus points if the person that’s actually dying doesn’t bother reaching out, and it’s just the flying monkeys that are doing the guilt tripping.

      You know what I regret? Not having a real childhood. Not realizing that name-calling isn’t actually a form of love until my 30s. Never feeling like I was good enough. Blaming myself for being “difficult” and “unlovable”. Internalizing my parents message that other people’s emotions were my responsibility and that I was responsible for anticipating other people’s needs and reactions to a truly insane degree (on the flip side, I am incredibly good at troubleshooting because I have so. much. practice. trying to troubleshoot my parents’ inevitable outbursts). I even regret that I had to make tough choices as soon as I became an adult because my family gave me no support- moving home was never an option, there was never any financial support, no networking or giving advice about getting a job or being in an office (unless you count “make yourself smaller” as advice. it didn’t matter what my question was, the ‘advice’ was always “you clearly did something wrong, so just act like their indentured servant to make it up to them”)

      You know what else I regret? When my mother decided that her abusive parents were more important than my children. When she refused to even see my children for years because she was too busy caring for her elderly parents (they had a ton of health needs and sucked at managing their own lives. like refused to listen to doctor orders, kept their money in a gazillion accounts, did weird purchases, etc). My children will never feel like their grandmother was part of their life, because she chose to not be part of their life so she could invest all her time in her relationship with her horrible parents. And yes, in the very, very last year they realized how valuable she was and how much they needed her. But she threw away her relationship with her grandchildren in order to get that closure. And I will forever regret her choice.

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      1. Anonym*

        As a parent of a small child, I am so angry for you that I’m in tears. Wishing you, OP, and everyone with parents like that boundaries, peace, and that nobody gives you crap about those boundaries. (Not useful, I’m sorry, unless you can use one more anonymous concurrence in a moment of doubt.)

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  11. Productivity Pigeon*

    I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. How awful to have to be reminded constantly of such a painful thing, and then not feeling able to share the truth.

    Could you use the argument that you’re trying to establish yourself without relying on your “personal connections” and therefore are trying to not be seen with your Dad or take pictures with him at the gala?

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  12. Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.*

    That’s a good way to handle the publicity of the award presentation- “I don’t want to steal Dad’s limelight; let him soak it in. Also, if I win, I’d like to accept on my own- I don’t want anyone to think I got it by riding Dad’s coattails.” Some diplomatic way of phrasing of it.

    As for people coming up to you, feel free to lie your ass off. Blithely and breezily say, “I’ll be sure to pass that along next time I talk to him!” and just…never talk to him. How will they know? I’m not advocating lying and agreeing he’s a great guy or anything- just close the social loop and let them move on. Ending the conversation quickly is probably the easiest and path of least resistance for both you and the other person.

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    1. ButtercupDC*

      Bonus points if he tries to pull you in for some sort of publicity photo and instead you just animatedly point, “THAT lady says hi” as you run away.

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    2. mreasy*

      I don’t think this is strong enough to ensure the event organizers don’t put them together / in a joint photo though. Unless OP explains that they don’t get along and they will not sit with their father nor will they agree to a photo op together… in plain language… the organizers may decide that their interest in the father/son novelty angle overrides OP’s desire to “not share the limelight/ride coattails” etc.

      OP, Alison’s script is what I would recommend. If you say anything less clear in order to try to save organizers from uncomfortable feelings, you will be the one who ends up in discomfort. And that isn’t your responsibility.

      I’m so sorry you are going through this.

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  13. Anonymous in WI*

    One potential conservation off-ramp could be your desire to keep the focus on your work product and the team that contributed to it.

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  14. Kenny Chesney*

    “We’ve never been close,” is such a perfect sidestep for that uncomfortable conversation that I’m astounded I haven’t heard it before.

    All awards ceremonies look different, but if the awards are given out grouped by the categories you mentioned–there’s no shame in finding an excuse to leave the room (urgent phone call, feeling momentarily ill, etc) during his category if you’re concerned that might be a moment where people are likely to bother you about him.

    Best of luck to you. None of this should be on you to handle, but it is.
    Make sure to prioritize your own safety and mental health over some stranger’s feelings about a random (if prominent) crappy guy.

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    2. RVA Cat*

      100% this. “We’ve never been close” may have them filling in Cat’s Cradle cliches about neglectful workaholic parents, but consider it a “discretion shot” of not showing the emotional version of blood & gore.

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  15. Justin*

    The fact that you are an invited guest means you can and should make requests. Think of it the way (I’m not saying it’s the same thing!) you might need to ask for special meals or something else – if they want you to attend, you should receive the support you request.

    Sorry you have had to deal with this.

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  16. Magnolia woods*

    I have a similar situation. I don’t talk about my childhood to anyone but my closest friends. Honestly i can’t without crying. I usually just say that’s nice when they talk about how much they love my parents. Then I look for the 1st opportunity to get them to pivot to speaking about themselves. Oh you worked with them at xyz co. How long did you work there? What did you do there? What do you do now? Everyone loves talking about themselves. Remember most people don’t care about your childhood. They probably don’t even care that much about your parents. They wouldn’t be talking to you if they didn’t want to connect with you. They don’t realize this isn’t a good topic so give them another topic to connect over. Not outing your parents protects your peace of mind and privacy. They haven’t won anything. They’ve lost a relationship with child and maybe grandchildren. Karma will catch up to them eventually.

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    1. Anonym*

      This is an extremely compassionate way to think about the situation. I don’t know that I’d have the strength. You are very kind (and strategic).

      Reply ↓
  17. Ellis Bell*

    I’d go with:
    Dear Committee
    It’s not common knowledge, (alternatively say “even though it is common knowledge I’m related to another award recipient”) but on the off chance someone knows I’m related to one of the other award recipients, I felt the need to outline that really we aren’t that close and there’s some personal history between us. In the interests of avoiding awkwardness, I would like to request that no reference is made to that relationship during the event. I would also need to be seated away from him, again to ensure a minimum of awkwardness.
    I sincerely thank you in advance for considering this request, and assure you there is no need to do anything except treat us as two unrelated applicants.
    Yours Sincerely OP.
    If they’ve been around the block at all, they’ll get that this is non negotiable.

    Reply ↓
    1. CanadaGoose*

      I don’t think this is the best option for phrasing, as it gives the somewhat dramatic impression of asking for a “don’t talk about it!” message, instead of just confirming that these two attendees should be honored separately as was likely already the plan in general.

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  18. Lyra Belacqua*

    Yes, assuming entertainment industry or something adjacent, 100% have your agent handle it. This is their job (or one of them.) It’s also certainly not the only such situation the people in charge of the seating are trying to manage—maybe not parent/child dynamics, but many people will be asking not to sit with the ex with whom they don’t get along, the person their ex cheated on them with, the colleague with whom you had an argument the last time you worked together…people with these kinds of jobs at this level know how to be discreet. They may raise an eyebrow, but that’s it (and also, not your problem.)

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    1. Lyra Belacqua*

      And I’d add—you do not need an excuse and should not give one. “Please do not place me at a table with x, and please inform the event photographer(s) that I will not appear in photographs with him. Thank you.”

      Reply ↓
  19. Kes*

    I agree with the suggestion to contact the organizers in order to request being seated at a different table. In fact, I would even say that you’re estranged and therefore you would prefer to sit at a different table. You’re not really attacking his reputation by privately asking them this, and it gives them information that should also suggest to them to avoid father and son emphasis in general. You may still get other people pressuring on the photos so I’d still be prepared as Alison suggests for how to decline that.

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    1. juliebulie*

      I’d worry that telling them that you’re estranged would inspire them to try to get you to reunite. “What a great story that would make! Repairing a father-son relationship!”

      I feel like “we’re not close” is somehow better because it’s vaguer, though I’m not sure that’s the case.

      Reply ↓
  20. RVA Cat*

    OP I am so sorry you went through this. I wish he’d gotten caught when the abuse happened. I hope karma catches up with him soon.

    Reply ↓
  21. Csethiro Ceredin*

    I’m so sorry for the very difficult situation.

    What a good reminder to never assume that you know anything about people’s familial relationships, and just because you may be lucky with yours doesn’t mean everyone is.

    Reply ↓
  22. Ann O'Nemity*

    As someone who has organized large events, I can assure you that these kinds of requests are not that weird! Complicated family dynamics, past relationships, personal or professional conflicts—it happens. We’re accustomed to adjusting seating arrangements, reordering program sequences (like not scheduling back-to-back appearances), and even arranging additional security if needed. I never assume someone is trying to stir up drama when they reach out; most are clearly anxious and just trying to avoid uncomfortable situations. They’re not creating drama—they’re preventing it. And event organizers should be on board with preventing drama, too.

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    1. Mark This Confidential And Leave It Laying Around*

      Ditto to this, and if the field is entertainment or science you are so very not the first, second, or 50th. Seconding the agent suggestions if that’s an option, but if it’s not, the blandest of explanations (good examples above) should be all the alert the organizers need. If you’re first point of contact is clueless, a few questions about who is organizing xyz should yield you another person to reach out to.

      Reply ↓
      1. AnonSurvivor*

        Intellectually, I *know* this. My therapist has said this. It still feels hard to do. About 5 or 6 years ago, though, I started asking, and not a single person (organizer) has pushed back or asked for details.

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    2. knitcrazybooknut*

      As an HR person, I can confirm: at my old job, we had a list of people who weren’t allowed information about or to talk to others in my department, let alone in the building. No one batted an eye. You’re not alone.

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    3. Blarg*

      My understanding is that at the last Cannes film fest, there was a ton of orchestration involved to ensure that Jolie & Pitt did not so much as see each other. It sucks that OP is having to deal with this, but it is far from uncommon or weird.

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  23. Pita Chips*

    LW, I feel for you and this situation sucks rocks.

    You should absolutely ask that you not be seated near him or want photos taken with him. I ran into a similar case where my estranged parents and I would both be at a relative’s wedding. I included a request not to sit with them in my RSVP and it was honored.

    Good luck and please update us!

    Reply ↓
  24. MotherofaPickle*

    My family background was stellar, according to my peers, and my self-esteem is through the roof.

    I would either give a Hard No, or give a Soft “No, because of these reasons”. If I wanted to go scorched earth, then “YES!” and then go into detail in my acceptance speech.

    I am inherently petty, but I usually talk myself out of it. Not sure I could in this instance.

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  25. Juicebox Hero*

    My mother was a manipulative, emotionally abusive piece of crap and everyone in the community thought she was a plaster saint. I feel your pain.

    I have no advice, but I hope you win your award, your father doesn’t, and furthermore that he spends the whole evening with his fly open and toilet paper stuck to his shoe and no one tells him.

    Reply ↓
  26. Mary Schwartz*

    OP – I wish we couple de friends in real life. If I had a brother, I would assume it was him posting. My father wasn’t quite that famous, but well loved and his funeral was PACKED. And yes, that was physical abuse and endangerment; I received similar. We are the survivors.

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    1. Elle*

      YES. I’m so proud of them. The position they’re in is a tough one to handle.

      Slate had a piece on why we (eg the media and collective fan community) are still cool with BP despite the clear evidence that he’s terrible. When I read it, I really hoped his kids know how many people (especially those of us with reprehensible parents) see them and wish them well.

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  28. AnonSurvivor*

    I second the bringing of a friend. I live in LA and a friend and I share this problem (her father, my mother). We have a longstanding agreement to be the buffer. Had to do it twice last year, but usually not more than once a year, TBH.

    Obviously, we’ve shared the estranged parent problem/trauma info with each other. I trust her implicitly and it REALLY helps solve the problem about 90% of the time. Last year, my mother came up to me at the after-party – which I couldn’t avoid – and my friend ran interference. Three years ago I had the shared table problem and I wished I’d thought ahead to solve it, but I didn’t. It was unpleasant, but I do refuse to pose for pictures. Because the photogs are busy, and it’s usually a zoo, that’s easier here and in NYC. Maybe you can push them off, and hope they never come back around?

    My heart goes out to you.

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  29. I've Escaped Cubicle Land*

    I am estranged from my biological father and have been for decades. Had once gotten rehired part time at a retail store where I had previous worked part time. While I was in the office filing out HR paperwork, he was there doing the same thing. Honestly didn’t even recognise him since it had been so many years since I had last saw him. (what a lovely peaceful run of time that was) He loves to turn on the public charm. Made a big deal of asking the manager if relatives were allowed to work in the same store. Kept mentioning I was his child. Tried to say good bye to me and tell me he’d talk to me later (He hasn’t had my phone # or address for years and I’ve threatened a restraining order before when he’s tried to get them.) I had the satisfaction of saying “Sir you aren’t my anything” to his face and letting the manager know that while I would be professional if his work overlapped with mine, if he tried to speak to me about anything other then work related I would be perusing a restraining order and expecting them to be in compliance with it. Luckily he worked mornings and I worked evenings in very different departments. I moved to a small rural town over an hour away from home city and he used to work law enforcement a few small towns over. So yeah I still hyperventilate if anyone notices my last name and asks if we are related. I feel for you OP. Mine was just small town popular. Yours feels worse.

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  30. Elle*

    This is incredibly frustrating, but I think reframing your thinking on this may help. I think one of the most frustrating aspects of abusive parents is dealing with other people’s feelings on/relationship with them. You are not the one creating an issue (by asking to be seated separately, declining to be photographed together, or otherwise maintaining boundaries). He created the issue when he chose to terrorize his child. Some people will see the situation the way they want to- whether because they’re too mentally lazy to change their mind based on new information or because they truly think achievements can outweigh someone’s harm. That’s all on them. It’s nothing to do with you.

    If it were me, I’d contact organizers ahead of time requesting to be seated at a separate table and also set the boundary ahead of time that I will not appear in photographs with him. I would treat it as a request on par with “I will need a kosher meal for dinner,” eg, calm, firm, and NBD vibes. Ideally, they’ll work with you, but you’ll at least have their response as data that you can use to determine how you’ll handle the event itself.

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  31. Lacey*

    No advice, just solidarity from someone who is also estranged from their father.

    My dad isn’t a public figure, so I can tell people as I please – but he is someone with a good reputation in my home community and people do not like to learn that he’s actually a bad man.

    It sucks and it’s never not going to suck. But I hope the organizers are reasonable people who will honor your requests and that you’re able to bring someone with you to make things a bit easier.

    Reply ↓
  32. Delta Delta*

    The way I’m wired – I’d just skip the event. That’s not fair to OP, and I totally get that, and OP shouldn’t have to miss an event because of Famous Dad. But, depending on the industry, there’s probably no getting around “your famous dad is over there” or people asking about Famous Dad or people wanting pictures orchestrated with Famous Dad. And this is likely going to happen despite asking that it not. And then it puts OP on the defensive all night. Famous Dad is beloved and attendees and media (if media is there) will be fawning over him. People will know that OP is Famous Dad’s kid and will not hesitate to try to cram them together. OP will say no, and then OP will end up looking like the jerk. Famous Dad won’t say anything because Famous Dad enjoys being Famous Dad. Famous Dad may even try to use this as an arena for a reunion, and then OP has to get out of it. I just see a lot of potential downside to OP for attending.

    It’s not fair and I’m sorry this is my position.

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  33. Lisa*

    If you want some words to try to head it off ahead of time, maybe something like “We’re not on good terms. I’d prefer not to get into details but to avoid any possible drama detracting from the event .” But if you have a manger/agent/etc definitely this is a thing for them to handle!

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  34. H.Regalis*

    I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this, LW.

    It’s okay for you to say you don’t want to sit with him or take photos with him. It’s okay to say you’re not close or that you’re estranged. You can’t control how other people will react. If they call you a liar or say whatever happened is your fault, that says a lot more about them than it does about you.

    It’s been many years since anyone asked after my mother. She’s not famous so I have the luxury of telling people she’s dead if they do ask, but when people did and I’ve said we’re estranged, there are always some who take that as an invitation to ask all kinds of personal shit that is none of their fucking business/want to tell you how whatever happened can’t be that bad and they’re your only [whatever] so you should have a good relationship with them/Jesus says to forgive/whatever other fucking bullshit.

    Those people don’t give a damn about you. They’re willing to sacrifice your life and happiness in order to maintain their picture of their favorite author/musician/whatever. You don’t owe anyone a reason for why you’re estranged, and you don’t have to justify it to them or explain things to their satisfaction. I’m sorry you have to deal with this on such a scale.

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  35. tabloidtained*

    I think we’ve seen how easy it is for powerful, beloved men to twist public feeling in their favor, in spite of everything they’re accused of. I think the fact that Brad Pitt, for example, has children who are bravely, in their own ways, speaking out, has prevented him from fully turning the media and the public into weapons, say, the way Depp did. But it’s still fascinating to see how well people think of Pitt. And I can imagine that is crushing and isolating for the Jolie kids.

    I say this to emphasize how courageous it is for you to say anything, when your father is a beloved public figure, and how important it is for you to tell yourself that you are NOT creating drama. Your father’s public reputation may be spotless, but any damage to it comes from his own actions, not yours. Make demands of the committee, the venue, your people/agent–anyone you can. Be clear that you do not want a father/son angle in the media. Prepare your scripts (“We’re not close.” “I’d prefer to let him take photos on his own.” “I would like to request that we not be seated together, for personal reasons.”) and don’t be hard on yourself.

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  36. FYI*

    YES — “kick child out of car for turning the volume down during a good song so now he has to walk home along the highway for an hour” IS ABSOLUTELY child endangerment.

    We don’t “consider” it abuse. It IS abuse. So sorry this happened to you.

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  37. Also estranged*

    I’m so sorry about that. My father SA’d me through most of my childhood, and he was a veteran (and proud of it) and beloved by lots of people around us. He would bring up his veteran status whenever he could, and every time he did, people around would tell him he was a hero, they respected him so much, etc. A lot of people also expected me to share their sentiment as a kid and would often tell me how lucky I was to have him as a father and I must be so proud of him. As a kid, I learned to plaster a smile on and nod enthusiastically.

    As you can imagine, I haven’t spoken to him in a decade now, but people keep asking about him. For family friends asking about him, I say something neutral like “my parents are staying busy, as usual” or “it has been a bit since we spoke, this reminds me to give them a call.” Part of me wishes I could be more honest, but I have decided I am not yet ready to be public with my story.

    I know I am not being much help, but I wanted you to know I also understand what it is like to be estranged from someone everyone loves. My husband was kind enough to run interference after we met and before we stopped visiting my family, and that was more helpful than I could have imagined. So, if you have a friend who can provide emotional support, definitely bring them.

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  38. Erin*

    My mother, albeit an anonymous, has a choice. Stay away or everybody hears my side. She cares about her reputation so she’s left me alone. I’d email the organiser without too much detail or tell them for professional reasons I wish to avoid pointing out the connection during the event.

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  39. DJ Abbott*

    If you contact the organizers to make arrangements, make sure they’ve followed through once you get there. If not, see the manager and make sure they do the arrangements now. Don’t let them cross your boundaries.
    I say this as a person who recently attended an event where I had emailed with the organizer about my food issues. The people who served the food had no clue, and I had to be very firm about them NOT giving me a salad! Sigh.
    Of course your stakes are much higher, so do whatever is necessary to have comfortable boundaries.

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  40. Momma Bear*

    Considering the number of estranged families in Hollywood, OP is in good company. Depending on the interaction I might nod and smile, or say, “When I see him next…” (the random fan doesn’t need to know that is never). For the photos or other things, I’d say a firm, “No, thanks!” avoid him at the event and if I ran into him, treat him no more special than any other nominee. I realize this is a bigger stage, but I went to a wedding where there were complicated family dynamics and being annoyingly outwardly unaffected worked as armor and I was still able to honor the couple who invited me.

    I’d also steer any conversation back to OP’s own accomplishments. “Yes, that’s interesting…so about my documentary on….I was honored to work with…” and just plow forward about YOU, OP. If there’s a group photo of all nominees, stick yourself on the far end away from your father.

    Part of me hopes OP wins and their father doesn’t. Good luck!

    Reply ↓

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