my coworker does extreme sports when she’s out sick, asking to skip a performance review, and more

by Alison Green on October 15, 2024

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker does extreme sports whenever she’s out sick

I have a coworker, “Pattie,” who has a remote work accommodation due to a mental health diagnosis. For the past year, she has been chronically late to meetings, missed deadlines, and been difficult to reach. This would already be bad, but to make matters worse, she insists on leading projects (for example, creating and facilitating a presentation for over 50 participants) and on the day of, ends up being a no-show without advance warning!

Pattie has a public social media account where she posts all about the extreme sport she is involved in (for anonymity, let’s say she does BMX). We’ve noticed that during times when she was “sick” or a no-show, she has posted videos of new bicycle tricks, or videos from international BMX competitions (not surprising we can’t reach her when she is apparently hours ahead of our local time). She also appears to have a sponsorship for knee pads, which she posts about as well. Infuriatingly, we are city employees, so she’s using taxpayer dollars to subsidize her budding career as a BMX influencer.

As you can imagine, morale on our team has been abysmal. One of us recently left, I am next (yay), and more are on their way out. I’m leaving, so this question isn’t about my personal sanity, and more about what advice you would give my manager. My manager is a decent person, and was really manipulated by Pattie, so she didn’t understand how big of a problem this was until the resignations started pouring in. Reading between the lines, I am pretty sure that my manager went to HR and HR said that there isn’t enough evidence to take action against Pattie (bureacracy!) What is the right thing for a manager to do in this situation when she’s completely shut down by HR? Is there any way to restore morale on the team, or is it too late?

The law that requires companies to make accommodations for medical conditions doesn’t say “the employee can do anything they want because they have a medical condition.” It says that they need to be offered reasonable accommodations if those will allow the employee to perform the essential functions of her job, and if the accommodations don’t cause undue hardship to the company. I can’t speak to Pattie’s job specifically, but in many, many jobs meeting deadlines, remaining reachable, and not no-showing without warning would be considered essential functions of the job that she’d still need to meet.

Moreover, if she’s definitely lying about being sick, that’s a separate problem; medical accommodations don’t let someone lie to get additional time off. To be thorough, I want to note that it’s possible that Pattie isn’t lying about being sick — for example, any chance she’s posting those videos on her days off but they were made at an earlier time? — but I’m guessing you have enough info to know that’s the not the case, and the competition dates are presumably public.

Ideally your manager would work with HR to clearly define the essential responsibilities of the role and lay those out for Pattie, and to make it clear what they can and can’t accommodate and what the consequences will be if XYZ doesn’t change. But if you have incompetent HR that doesn’t understand the law or their jobs, as well as higher leadership that allows HR to obstruct managers, they may be nothing your boss can do other than to leave herself.

2. Can I ask to skip a performance review?

I’ve been pretty miserable at my job for the past few months, and while I know I need to secure a new position, I don’t have one yet. I am considering just quitting at this point, because the stress is making it really hard to job hunt while also doing my job (this is extremely dramatic given that it’s not even a bad job, I’m just a really really bad fit for it).

I have a performance review coming up (which sure is not going to be positive!), and I just can’t do it. I am going to cry the whole time. Is there any way I can gracefully request we NOT go through this process which will be painful for me and a waste of time for them?

Probably not, I’m sorry! If you had resigned and had an end date set, almost definitely — few managers will think there’s any point in going through the performance review process at that point, unless your job has a truly frightening level of bureaucracy that would require it anyway. But otherwise, you can’t really say, essentially, “I don’t want to talk about how things are going or where I need to improve” (which is the point of the process).

3. Bringing in puzzles to a new job

A few months ago, one of my coworkers started bringing jigsaw puzzles into our break room and it’s been a fun little lunch activity! I generally go out to eat and come back to the office with about 30 minutes of lunch time left, and before then I spent it in my cubicle because I felt a little awkward sitting in the break room when I wasn’t eating anything.

Now, I’ll spend it working on the puzzle, and if another coworker comes in, we generally both work on it together and chat a little. It’s nothing major, but I feel like it helps to give us a topic to talk about, and it’s nice to use your brain for something else for a little bit. It seems like everyone else either enjoys it or doesn’t mind it.

It got me thinking about how this probably won’t be the culture at the next job I work at … but it’s not like it’s a super entrenched part of ours, you know? It only happened because one coworker started bringing them in, and he’s neither a manager or someone who’s worked here for a particularly long time. So my question is, when is it okay to be that coworker?

I think any time as long as you’re not brand new. I wouldn’t do it in your first month while you’re still learning the culture and people don’t know much about you yet — that risks missing some cultural cues that might have changed your plans if you’d caught them, and also risks looking a little too “I have just arrived but this is now my home and I will shortly be moving in a chaise and 20 spider plants” … but after you’ve been there a few months, go for it.

4. Can I ask my assistant to check in with me before she leaves?

I have what I think is a simple question about respectfully managing my assistant, Elsa. Elsa is a hard working, organized, and generally delightful person. The year I’ve worked with her has been a dream. She works an early schedule and leaves/signs off (hybrid office) at 4:30. I tend to start later and also work late because I’m a disorganized lawyer. In general, this works well — I send her a bunch of stuff in the evening and by the time I get in, she’s got it all done. However, there are times when I need something same-day, and often I don’t clock that 4:30 mark until she has left. Is it reasonable to ask her to check in with me around 4 everyday, just in case there’s a thing I’ve forgotten to ask for, or is this a me problem that I should learn to figure out on my end?

It’s reasonable to ask your assistant to check in with you every day at a certain time; that’s a thing that often gets asked of assistants. I think you’re hesitant to ask because your self-image is that you’re disorganized and you feel like you should overcome that without transferring any of the burden to her, but any good assistant would want to know that this would be helpful to you. It would be trickier if she weren’t your assistant — although even then you could ask it in a lot of cases as long as she reported to you — but in this case it’s an easy yes.

Is 4:00 early enough though? I might bump that to 3 or 3:30 to ensure she has time to complete whatever you might ask for without displacing other things she was planning for that time.

5. How long should you keep paperwork from an old job?

I’m in the background check/employment verification stage of a new job. They need a record for jobs in the last 10 years. One of my jobs from that period was for a company that has since been acquired by a huge company with headquarters out of my home country and I can’t get in touch with anyone there. Luckily, I still have my offer letter from that role, and that was an accepted form of verification. But I’m a digital packrat. For those people who like to delete things, how long should you keep official paperwork from old jobs like paystubs, offer letters, etc?

Ten years is the most typical look-back period for employment verification. That doesn’t mean that you need every paystub from that period, but you should have something verifying your employment for each job, which could be an offer letter, one paystub per year, a year-end payroll summary if you got them, or so forth. You don’t have to do this, but it can make your life a lot easier if you do.

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{ 24 comments }

{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Bruce*

    LW2: if you are having that bad a time, it would be bad management by your manager to skip the review. They should be giving you the feedback, if they don’t they are dropping the ball. I hope they can do it gently and maybe help you find a way to make things better for both of you, at least in the interim.

    LW3: My company also has puzzles out in the break room, while I agree with Alison that you should scope out the culture first you may find it a fun option at the new place too!

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    1. JSPA*

      I wonder if the LW can, however, indicate ahead of time that they feel like a bad fit, and wonder if the performance review can involve

      1. addressing which aspects and tasks are a good enough fit to be mutually beneficial.

      2. addressing which skills have shown improvement, as well as underlining which ones are more stubbornly unomproved. Why? It’s actually very useful to know how this appears to people outside your own brain, when you’re job searching– And the things that you find miserable may not, in fact , align with the things that they find problematic.

      3. Addressing whether the most problematic things are really core parts of the role, or not, and whether there’s room to divest the role of a couple of the worst tasks for you (especially if they’re no-big-deal level for others?)

      4. If core functions of the role are the problem, gaming out an eventual graceful transition out, and what sort of recommendation, they feel they could give for a role that’s a better fit. (Normally I’d say you don’t want to tip your hand without strong prospects, but if you’re this close to quitting with nothing else lined up, then there’s not a lot to lose.)

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    2. allathian*

      My office also has puzzles in the break room. I enjoy doing them during our coffee breaks. When one’s finished, someone usually posts a pic in our water cooler Teams channel.

      Reply ↓
  2. Card player*

    My coworkers at a previous job all spent their lunch hour playing a card game. As a newcomer, it was a great way to bond and get to know them and I definitely appreciated the brain break it provided.

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    1. Chocolate Teapot*

      A La Mort Subite cafe in Brussels got its name from the dice game the employees from the national bank around the corner used to play during their lunch breaks.

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  3. ThatOtherClare*

    #1: So I’ll start out with ‘I think what I’m about to say is very unlikely’, however, one possible explanation for Pattie’s behaviour and the company’s inaction could be bipolar disorder. She might be out doing extreme sports during manic episodes and the company might be aware of this.

    Again, I think this is extremely unlikely. But in general, if your HR has a good track record and they’re acting unusually over this, well, if I – an untrained non-medical person – can think of a plausible medical reason for this to happen then there are likely many.

    It all boils down to your opinion of the competence of the people who would be ‘in the know’. If they’re usually strict and you’re blindsided by their sudden lenience, there could be a reason for that. But if those people often pretty slack, don’t bother looking for medical zebras when it’s probably just a horse.

    Do remember to double check for strange reasons when something seems strange. But after that, follow your gut. We commenters in the peanut gallery don’t have enough information to do anything other than speculate wildly, but whichever way you lean is probably right, letter writer 1.

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    1. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

      Even if it is manic episodes, it doesn’t really change the advice – because “allow her to go to international BMX events and build her career as a BMX influencer while being paid on sick leave” isn’t a suitable accommodation for manic episodes, or for any other condition. When off sick your “job” that you are being paid for during those days is “do what’s needed to get better” which could include being in bed with flu, walks in nature for mental health, etc. There’s no way “moonlighting with your side hustle” is a suitable way of being off sick.

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      1. allathian*

        Yeah, I agree. It’s one thing to do it during your vacations. Sure, many illnesses and disorders that make you temporarily unfit to work don’t necessarily require you to stay in bed or at home all day, and I’ve certainly done necessary errands when I’m on sick leave.

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    2. Katie Impact*

      I can imagine a couple of different plausible scenarios where she could be capable of posting extreme sport videos but not working, but I’m not sure it matters that much, because it’s not the core of the problem. The sport stuff is bad optics, but it’s bad optics *because* she’s not getting her job done adequately, even with accommodations.

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      1. Artemesia*

        A manager that allows her to grab the lead on things like major presentations when she is likely to flake is a manager that needs to be let go and replaced or managed by their own boss.

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        1. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

          I suspect that is out of risk aversion and the manager fears the “I was booted from projects because of my illness” angle.

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    3. Emmy Noether*

      I started this letter thinking “maybe it helps her mental health to go on a bike ride, who am I to judge?”, but Pattie completely lost my sympathy by the end of the letter. She regularly pushes to commit to things and doesn’t follow through? Leaves her colleagues in the lurch? Goes to competitions, which takes planning ahead to be “coincidentally” sick on that day? Yeah, this is really not ok.

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  4. Adam*

    I think people generally overestimate the amount of permission you need to do things at most companies. I gave the first-ever tech talk at my current company, and I did it by just scheduling a meeting and inviting all the technical staff. Everyone was thrilled.

    Some companies are dysfunctional and have people who will freak out if you change anything, so it’s definitely good to know the lay of the land first, but mostly if you’re going to make a minor improvement people will be happy you did it.

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  5. Nodramalama*

    LW1 It is true that many influencers do not post in real time, so a charitable read would be that pattie is banking posts and taking advantage of being sick to post some stuff. But even then, this is why perception is important even if you’re not doing anything “wrong” because at the very least pattie looks bad doing this

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    1. Mangled Metaphor*

      And why the dates of competitions etc. should be a consideration. If the competition happened during a period of sick leave, even if the pictures were posted during a subsequent period where Pattie is confined to her bed or can’t go further than 3 feet from a toilet, that’s abusing the process.
      Plus, influencers have to post quite close to the timing of a big event while it’s still relevant. In the goldfish memory of the Internet and social media, if it was last week, it’s too late.

      Posting pictures of a past event is within the spirit of the accommodation (albeit one with terrible optics), but if it’s evidence of activities (especially paid) it’s wildly inappropriate.

      Personally I would be considering the volume of leave periods, coupled with her in work behaviour. Do her mental health days coincide with big events in the extreme sports world?

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  6. Anon Today*

    Man, LW#1 is tough to read right now. I’m also a City employee who’s been working remotely and is struggling with my mental health. They’ve just announced they’re considering ending remote work and I’m not sure what I’m going to do if they go ahead with it since I can’t drive very far right now. I’ve been thinking about seeing if I can get a medical accommodation to keep working from home, it would really suck if my employer thinks I’m trying to pull a Pattie. I’m not sure if they have to accommodate me or not, I’ve been working remotely since I was hired with glowing performance reviews so I think it would be a reasonable accommodation. I can technically drive, it just sucks because I have to fight off a panic attack the whole time. I’m trying to take meds for it but haven’t found the right balance yet. Ugh, I don’t even know where this comment is going anymore. It just sucks hearing about someone abusing an accommodation that I’m probably about to have to fight tooth and nail to get.

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    1. Emmy Noether*

      First of all, I’m sorry you’re in this situation. It’s understandable that it stresses you out.

      Of course I can’t know if the people deciding on accomodations at your job are reasonable people, but if they are, they should be able to see that you’re WFH right now, and you’re not abusing it. There’s no reason to think you will begin to pull a Pattie if you haven’t before!

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  7. TheSüperflüoüsUmlaüt*

    LW4 – what about setting a daily calendar item which pops up around 3.oo pm for you and Elsa to have a 5-min “touch base” about how the day’s tasks are going, prioritising what’s still to be done, and looking ahead to what tomorrow might bring?

    It is *very* reasonable to want an assistant to check in before they leave for the day. I wouldn’t dream of stopping work without giving my boss a heads-up (unless I know he’s already wandered off for the day himself), because I know he loses track of time when he gets deeply involved in a case. And if I have to leave early that day or have a hard out which means I couldn’t stay behind in an emergency, I’d flag that much earlier in the day.

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    1. DeskApple*

      so much this. I was thinking that if her schedule is so different from his there is a reason for it and if I were her I’d be pissed to get an assignment at 4 that requires an hour or more to do, adding potentially many more hours to my previously organized week. If he needs that time then he needs to be clear about needing her to match her schedule to his.

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  8. Ace*

    I’m that petty person who would go onto Pattie’s social media post and say something like “Missed you at the presentation meeting you were meant to lead today, but super glad you nailed your frontwards backwards triple flip trick. Priorities ftw!”

    I’m genuinely astounded that she still has a job.

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  9. Lily*

    Just want to offer my sympathies and encouragement to LW#2. It’s such a crap situation to be in. Many of us have been there before.

    I don’t have much useful advice to offer – do what you can to look after yourself as you go through it – set yourself up for the day with a nice breakfast, wear a favourite outfit that makes you feel like your best professional self, plan a nice activity with a good friend immediately after the review etc etc.

    Take the opportunity to reflect on how you got to this point and whether you can avoid it in future. Maybe you can’t! But maybe there are some small steps you can take. I left my last job which was ‘really bad fit for me ‘ about 6 months after I really should have quit because I wanted to wrap up some half-done projects first for professional reasons. I think it was a good decision at the time but on reflection I would quit much earlier next time, and I’ve got a new list of red flags to watch out for in future roles. Times when I don’t feel like going to a networking event, or doing a volunteer project for my professional association for my industry , or I’d rather spend my monthly contribution to my emergency fund on something fun, I remember how grateful I was for my savings and my networks when I hated my job. (None of that is intended to be p0llyannish or lecturing, just sharing what I’ve gotten out of a similar crap situation)

    Worth considering as well that perhaps your performance hasn’t been as bad as you suspect (often true for letter writers here) and/or if your managers aren’t very competent they might avoid a direct conversation about it (see also many many past AAM letters!) Or if they’re good they will want to help you through this.

    And be assured that you will feel so much better when you find a role that’s a better fit.

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  10. ReachForTheStars*

    Letter 1. I think the whole BMX thing is actually pretty irrelevant. As other people have said, they could have been taken earlier and then posted at another time (and in a way, it shouldn’t impact you as a worker whether she’s spending her sick leave in bed or on a BMX as long as she has proper cover). In addition to this, as someone who has had to take chunks of time off for mental health leave and still was out and about doing things that benefited *my mental health* because it was the only way I could actually survive, the comments about ‘if she’s sick she should be in bed’ are somewhat dangerous, because sick leave can cover a lot of different things and there’s already a slight ableist vibe in the comments.

    So the BMX thing isn’t actually all that relevant: what is relevant is that the proper sick leave arrangements and cover (to avoid times when Pattie hasn’t been accessible, not put someone who claims to be sick on big presentations etc) hasn’t been arranged. I’m not saying that Pattie may not have been lying, as I don’t know the situation well enough, but it sounds like HR – and your boss – could have been more on it to ensure Patty’s absences, whether they’re legit or not, did not impact the rest of the team.

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    1. ReachForTheStars*

      And to clarify, this isn’t saying that I necessarily think Pattie is on the up and up! She might well not be. But a good company would have ensured that there’s reasonable coverage of such absences, in a way that even if an employee is pulling something iffy, it doesn’t impact other employees to the extreme extent that it seems to have done OP and their coworkers. And the fact that they haven’t troubled to do so is, I think, more of a pressing issue even than Pattie’s possible-shenanigans.

      Reply ↓

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