my drunk coworkers are gossiping about me not drinking

by Alison Green on October 30, 2024

A reader writes:

I find myself in a truly bizarre situation. I attended a work conference overnight this weekend with almost all of my colleagues. We’re attorneys at a pretty large “small” law firm.

At the end of the conference day, we all had dinner together. My close colleague, Jenna, and I arrived to dinner before the rest of our colleagues. I ordered a mocktail.

During dinner, another colleague pulled an “I’ll have what she’s having” and ordered my drink. I did not notice this. When it arrived without alcohol, she was apparently surprised. This led, for reasons I can’t fathom, to my colleagues (all around my age, almost all women, all also associates) apparently deciding I must be pregnant. My colleagues were all VERY drunk.

When we left dinner, one of the colleagues, Sara, asked me outright if this was true. I asked her why she would think that and explained that I wasn’t drinking because I was going to a big party tomorrow, and drinking two nights in a row is just too much for me.

Another colleague, Rose, cornered me and said that she heard I was pregnant. I asked where she heard something like that, and she proceeded to tell me all the associates was talking about it, she heard I was “trying,” and she thought it better to go straight to the source than just speculate. Rose has been very open about her own fertility issues, so I found her questions absolutely shocking. I told her that if I have something to announce, she’d hear about it. I repeated to her that I was going to a party tomorrow and didn’t want to drink two nights in a row. Sara, standing nearby, said, “You don’t have to explain yourself.” Which … apparently is not the case!

Rose proceeded to remind me that if our boss found out by way of gossip, he would be livid. Great.

Rose and another associate, Amanda, then offered to get a round of drinks. Knowing I was under so much scrutiny, I asked them to get me a glass of sparkling wine. Rose returned with the wine, announced to the group that now I could “prove” I wasn’t pregnant, and proceeded to watch me drink with Amanda. I drank about half the glass, before saying I was heading to bed since it was after 11 pm.

I came late to the next morning’s first panel. Jenna told me that the group was still speculating, said I didn’t drink enough (!), and must indeed be pregnant. I told Rose off at the end of the panel and said I was uncomfortable, that was rude, and not to speculate about my health again.

Here’s the thing. I AM pregnant. It is still early, I’m not ready to share, and even my own family doesn’t know yet! I don’t even know if this baby is healthy and developing normally yet. Our boss is kind of paranoid. If he hears this gossip, it will undoubtedly have negative consequences for me. I’m terrified and wildly uncomfortable.

We don’t have HR. I have no idea what to do. Confront each of these colleagues individually for the incredibly inappropriate behavior? Announce early to head off gossip? I can think of one partner at the firm I trust enough to speak with about this. What in the world do I do?

WTF! Your colleagues were wildly out of line.

Not only is it rude and invasive to speculate on whether someone is pregnant, let alone confront them to ask them about it (and no, Rose, it’s not better to “go straight to the source”), but it’s also ridiculous to assume someone is pregnant just because they’re not drinking. There are a ton of reasons someone might not be drinking on any given occasion: your own reason of not wanting to drink two nights in a row, or they’re on a medicine that prevents it, or they’re trying to drink less, or they’re driving later, or they didn’t eat a lot today and don’t want to drink on an empty stomach, or they prefer not to lower their inhibitions at work events, or they just don’t feel like it.

It’s bizarre that your coworkers care so much. Even if they see drinking together as an enjoyable bonding ritual at work conferences, it’s extremely weird to be so put off that someone else doesn’t feel like it — and I wonder if you not drinking made them feel defensive about how much they were all drinking, given that you described them as “VERY drunk.” Some people get like that.

I hate that you felt like you had to order a drink just to make them stop hassling you. If you could go back and do it over, I’d say to tell them that they were out of line, that there are a zillion reasons someone might not be drinking, and that the topic had become tiresome and so you were heading out.

As for what to do now, you definitely don’t need to announce your pregnancy earlier than you otherwise would! They’re not entitled to that information, and there’s no reason you’d need to burden yourself with that just to head off gossip.

Normally I’d say that one option is to let them gossip if they want to and just decide you don’t care. But you’re concerned about consequences if it gets back to your boss, so that might not feel feasible. (More on that in a minute.) Personally, I’d like to see you lay into each of the involved coworkers about this, given how very offensive it is. Sample language: “There can be a ton of reasons someone’s not drinking, not just pregnancy. Many of those reasons are personal and private, and pushing people to share them in a work context is pretty horrible. I also don’t appreciate you speculating about whether I could be pregnant — and I hope you’ll think about how that would land with someone struggling with infertility. If someone is pregnant and ready to share, they will share it. Please give me and others the courtesy and respect of shutting this down.”

Separately: what’s up with a pregnancy “undoubtedly having negative consequences” for you with your boss? That’s not okay (and it’s illegal if your employer has 15 or more employees), and you’re going to need a plan for dealing with that at whatever point you do announce, if that comes. If your boss is truly hostile to pregnancy and you think he’s likely to illegally discriminate against you, it’s not a bad idea for that plan to include touching base with an employment lawyer.

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  1. Sloanicota*

    Drinking culture is super weird (and I say this as someone who drinks) and sometimes work clique culture gets toxic. I’m sorry this happened to you and that you felt pressured to do something you didn’t want to do. I’d take this as a sign that you need to step *way* back from this group – they are crossing your boundaries, have demonstrated repeated poor judgement (coming back to this the next day??) and they don’t seem to have your best interests at heart, gossiping about something that could hurt you professionally. Repeat that you don’t want them to keep spreading this rumor and maybe cut back on non-work interactions with these folks for a while.

    1. Eldritch Office Worker*

      I agree – and I pass ZERO judgement, because we all make the choices we make when we are angry or scrutinized, but I am concerned that you might have reinforced that with enough persistence they can get you to cave to whatever f’ed-up fixation they’re currently having about you or your personal life. Once they’ve successfully pushed past one boundary, they might feel empowered to keep doing it, and keep pushing harder.

      So I’d create a LOT of distance, if at all professionally feasible, and I’d do it now. Alison’s language is great, and a firm tone – even a slightly disbelieving tone, like you can’t believe you have to speak to these people like they’re middle schoolers – will go just as far as the words you choose.

      Good luck with your pregnancy, and congratulations. I’m sorry you have to navigate this behavior.

      1. ScruffyInternHerder*

        Yup. Once at an industry event with an open bar and a couple hundred attendees (one of only four women present as guests, not waitstaff), I dead-stared a colleague and shotgunned a vodka martini when he informed me that he’d “heard I was expecting so when was I quitting?”. My industry friends loudly jeered the colleague, at least one flat out told him off, but still. It shouldn’t be like this.

    2. KitKat*

      Yes – if this was simply because they were drunk, they would have been very embarrassed the next day. Instead they continued to harass you. They don’t see what’s wrong with their behavior and they are jerks.

    3. Sparkles McFadden*

      If you work in a place with a heavy drinking culture, there is no acceptable excuse for abstaining. No matter what reason you give, there will be a counter-argument and that will escalate to exactly just what’s being describe here: “Drink this drink to *prove* you’re not lying.” I got this from one boss, who would try to force drinks on me at company events. Her reasoning was that by not drinking, I was judging everyone and making my coworkers feel bad. I said “Oh, that’s so sad” and I continued to ignore her. It really is insane.

      I’m sorry you’re dealing with this LW. You need to keep a professional distance from everyone and remind yourself that you definitely do not owe anyone an explanation for anything. I’m much more concerned that your boss will penalize you for being pregnant. That’s the worrisome thing here, so consult with an employment attorney in advance and know your rights.

      1. Cinn*

        “Her reasoning was that by not drinking, I was judging everyone and making my coworkers feel bad.” Your response is brilliant, but there’s a part of me that would’ve loved it if you’d said: I wasn’t judging, but I am now.

        1. JSPA*

          Talk about projection!

          “Drinking” (including drinking too much for wise behavior, on occasion) doesn’t mean someone has a drinking problem.

          But drinking to that point, regularly, plus intensely hassling non-drinkers, both when drunk and when sober? Magic 8 ball says, “signs point to yes.”

          LW, I’d be comfortable concluding that your workplace has an alcohol problem, whether or not any specific coworker happens to have one. As well as a harassment problem (*with a big or small H). Why on EARTH are lawyers sometimes like this, when they absolutely know better????

      2. IrishMom*

        I used to have these problems at College too! I just started saying I was on medication which reacted poorly to alcohol. No more pressure from people. Sad I had to lie, but easier in the end.

        1. I Have RBF*

          I drink, but sometimes (like when I have to drive) I don’t. At which point it’s simple: “I’m driving” or “I’m on medication that says ‘don’t drink'”. If they keep pushing after that, I feel like I should go to HR.

          If you really want to throw them a bone, you can look embarrassed and say “The medication that I am taking for diarrhea has worse side effects when I drink, so I’ve cut back on my doctor’s advice.” Yes, it’s definitely TMI territory, but they put their foot in it to start with.

          If they ask “What medication?” they get a cold stare and a chilly “That’s none of your business. It’s between me and my doctor.” Because at various points I’ve been on anti-migraine meds, antidepressants, antibiotics, sleep regulation meds, and other stuff along with the anti-diarrheal. If they keep it up, it’s “Look, the doc said ‘Don’t drink’. That’s all you need to know.” Pressing you for private medical information, whether it’s around pregnancy or not, is just… out of line.

          The whole attitude around drinking is weird. Sometimes, in a work context, I just don’t feel safe drinking, even if I’m not on medication. It’s nobody else’s business.

      3. Hot Flash Gordon*

        Honestly, I’d be tempted to say “Oh, no alcohol for me, I just ate 2 weed gummies and I’m higher than a giraffe’s ass.”

      4. Ellie*

        A friend of mine dealt with this by ordering a large, fancy, expensive cocktail at the beginning of the night, and then, just, not drinking it? She held it, she talked, she worked the room, and she very, very occasionally took a sip, but no more. By the end of the evening, she would still be carrying a full glass. It took years before people cottoned onto the fact that she didn’t actually drink.

        You can do the same with a mocktail as OP did, but you need to order it from the bar, not at the table. I am so sorry OP felt forced into drinking though! At least you now know that drinking, won’t actually shut them up.

        1. Zephy*

          My mom’s best friend was a master at this. She’d get a glass of Coke at the bar, ask for a little straw so it looks like a mixed drink, and just nurse that the whole night. (She’s still alive, I just don’t imagine she spends as much time pretending to drink in bars now as she did in her twenties.)

      5. FishOutofWater*

        In my experience law firms are particularly prone to having toxic cultures around alcohol. I was once told that the reason I didn’t get offered a job at a firm was because it made others uncomfortable that I didn’t drink. Apparently they all thought my not drinking was a judgment on them, no matter how many times I told them it was because alcohol triggers migraines for me (In fairness the few who got literally falling down, sobbing about their lives, treating colleagues to a strip tease and shoving dollar bills in coworkers pants, all at a work event, drunk deserved a little judgment). I took it personally at the time, but with a few more years experience I realize that it was a gift, as it was a firm with an incredibly dysfunctional culture and I dodged a bullet.

    4. Hats Are Great*

      Nobody should have to give an excuse for not drinking, but if you DO want to give an excuse (especially if you’re in the prime era of randos guessing you’re pregnant when you don’t drink), I always used, “Yeah, my allergies are CRAZY today so I had to take the strong allergy meds, if I have a drink I’ll be asleep on the table!”

      It’s an extra-good dodge because then everyone is off to the races complaining about their own allergies and they completely forget to badger you.

    5. Gemstone*

      So true. I don’t drink as a personal preference, and I’m so glad that either I just live in an area where people are more chill about it, or the times are changing and people are less likely to peer pressure you to drink (or both)

    6. Caro*

      thing is, I too drink and love wine etc., BUT if someone says ”I don’t drink” or ”not tonight” or doesn’t mention it but is ordering pepsi all evening, then the response is ”great, can I get you another?”

      That’s the only response, ESPECIALLY in any kind of work context. What is up with people?

  2. Czhorat*

    People are SO weird about alcohol. If you don’t drink you must be pregnant, a recovering alcoholic, or are just some kind of weirdo who hates fun. Alcohol is a drug, not particularly good for ones long-term health, and has both a taste and effect that some people find off-putting.

    It also has several major cultural roles, a flavor that some people like, and an effect that some people like.

    I think it’s a very bad idea to drink to the point of impairment at work- or work-adjacent functions (see this letter for exhibit A), there’s no reason we can’t accept that everyone has SOME kind of vice that they enjoy. Some people drink alcohol. Some vape. Some do social media. Some spend too much time in the comment section of workplace advice columns. If it doesn’t get in the way of the rest of your life it isn’t a problem, but judging someone for NOT having the same vice as you is just plain weird.

    I’m actually angry that they were right about the pregnancy because it reinforces this absurd notion that there needs to be a *reason* to not partake in alcohol. (Happy for LW with the upcoming child, of course. Annoyed that the busybodies will feel validated)

    1. Eldritch Office Worker*

      Yeah their behavior sounds incredibly unprofessional, on a lot of levels. And I don’t want the fact LW is actually pregnant to make them think this is okay to do to anyone in the future – but people are idiots.

      1. Momma Bear*

        Agreed. I was recently at a work event. I drank ginger ale at the Happy Hour and drove home. Nobody said anything, nobody cared. These people are out of line and I hope OP doesn’t feel more pressure to “prove” anything to people with a questionable relationship with alcohol. If OP thinks boss will retaliate, she should be proactive and know her rights. OP, please don’t do anything else you’re not comfortable with to appease their curiosity or stamp out their rumors. Put yourself and your baby first.

        1. Paulina*

          Yes. All that pressure to drink at a work event! It sounds like some of them have bad relationships with alcohol and want everyone else to join in so that they don’t have to address that getting significantly drunk during a work conference, when there are panels the next morning, is deeply inappropriate. How dare their coworker try to be well-rested when they’re doing their best to be hung over, yikes.

        2. WheresMyPen*

          I mostly don’t drink because I hate the taste of most alcoholic drinks, and at a work party once my colleagues kept checking there were enough non-alcoholic drinks for me which was nice. They did seem a bit confused when I decided to have a cider, checking I didn’t feel pressured into drinking or anything. But my family are the opposite, they love pointing out I’m a sober weirdo and asking when I’m going to start drinking. Annoyingly they know I’m always driving my other family member so I couldn’t drink even if I wanted to.

          1. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

            Yeah, my family are weird about it too. I don’t like the taste of it and more importantly, I don’t like the way alcohol makes me feel. One drink and I get sleepy and when I’m sleepy in a social situation, I get grumpy and then I am not having fun.

            My family at least stopped trying to push alcohol on me all the time but their assumption now is I don’t drink in solidarity for my spouse, who is an alcoholic. It’s not and even if I did enjoy drinking, spouse would be okay with it. Spouse hasn’t had a drink in almost 20 years, me drinking spoiled grape juice at a restaurant isn’t going to send them on a bender.

      2. Sneaky Squirrel*

        Yes, this is my concern – that when LW is ready to tell work about the pregnancy, the offenders are going to look back on this day and feel validated they were in the right because they knew something was up and not see it for what it was.

        1. WellRed*

          Yep! All of that rudeness and speculation and she’s pregnant anyway. I don’t understand coworkers like this!

    2. Silver Robin*

      I drink exceedingly occasionally, to the point that people ask if I just do not drink at all. And it is not for any “reason” other than I just do not feel the urge to. I like plenty of alcoholic drinks, I have taught several people how to properly do vodka shots, but I never really got into the habit and never saw a reason to increase the frequency. Nobody has ever given it a second thought after I said, “no, I just drink rarely because I just rarely feel like it”. And even those questions are quite rare themselves. People obsessing over what other people do or do not consume is weird and upsetting.

      Totally with you on the last bit about the busybodies getting validated. I am so mad they are going to be able to figure out they were actually right if/when LW does eventually announce. Ughhhh

      1. Shinespark*

        People can get so weird about other people’s boundaries around alcohol!

        I’m glad you’ve never had a problem with people pressuring you. I’m also a very infrequent drinker because of medication I’m on. While I can still drink, it affects me differently now and I effectively have a one drink limit.

        Which gets rounded down to “I can’t drink” at work. Because wouldn’t you know it, my colleagues can respect not being allowed to drink, but if I have one and refuse any more, suddenly everyone has a reason why “one/two/a few more wouldn’t hurt”. It’s like actively choosing not to drink is unfathomable to them.

        1. Silver Robin*

          Yeah my friends are generally reasonable people and my coworkers have never fussed about it. The latter might be mitigated slightly because I accept a drink as a thank you for a favor or if somebody is buying a round for all of us to cheers to something, I will participate. So I think they think might also be a budget thing (not exactly wrong, either, drinks are pricey!).

          That sucks that people think one drink means N+1 drinks. Weird logic; I know a lot of folks are trying to be friendly/encouraging, but nobody should ever be insisting. It stops being friendly.

        2. Slow Gin Lizz*

          Another excuse could so easily be, “I want to be at my best for the work events tomorrow and don’t want alcohol to affect my sleep” or something to that effect. Apparently OP’s coworkers don’t know that it’s actually the responsible thing to NOT drink alcohol in the middle of a work conference. Not that it’s exactly irresponsible to do so, but that maybe some people prefer to remain completely sober at work events that involve the extra stress of travel, being away from home, and all the extra logistics and heightened mental involvement that being at a conference requires. OP’s coworkers are kind of jerks to not respect that.

        3. MigraineMonth*

          I am the life of the party–joking, dancing, singing karaoke, up for anything–until I have a drink. Then it interacts with my medication and I get really sleepy. (I once tried to take a nap on a table at a bar with a live band.)

      2. Slow Gin Lizz*

        I am the heavy drinker in my group of friends, and by that I mean sometimes I occasionally have TWO drinks in an evening. A lot of my friends rarely or never drink and it’s amusing to have a few people over who all share one bottle of beer. I’ve never once asked any of them why they are or are not drinking and a lot of the time I don’t even notice one way or the other. With the coworkers being so nosy (and I too am annoyed they will be validated in this situation) and the boss likely to treat OP differently once the pregnancy is announced, this workplace sounds fully of bees. And all the women at this event sound like the kind who will start being super nosy about pregnancy details too, which sounds like a really irritating situation for OP.

        It’s also unfortunate that no matter what your reasons for not drinking (headache, fatigue, medication), many of them could easily be pregnancy-related symptoms and therefore only further validate those who think you’re pregnant. It’s tricky, though, that if you normally do drink alcohol at events, suddenly not doing so causes everyone to think “PREGNANT” if you are someone who looks like a woman.

        1. Silver Robin*

          Yeah, pregnancy being such a common reason to suddenly stop makes it hard. Because it is not the most absurd assumption, but it *is* an assumption and also *nobody’s damn business* unless they have something directly to do with said pregnancy. Coworkers and friends generally do not.

          The other wild thing is that pregnancies are usually something that you can just…wait to find out about. If they continue to term, they usually get pretty dang obvious and you will probably get an announcement. Or like, a baby will appear. Ya know? And if it fades away, then it is no longer relevant and none of your business. Just wait it out? I get being curious, but impulse control is part of being an adult, sheesh.

          1. Slow Gin Lizz*

            Yeah, really. Keep your pregnancy suspicions about your coworkers (and anyone else, for that matter) to yourself. You’re gonna find out one way or the other in the coming months anyway, so why make everyone uncomfortable by trying to get someone to admit it before they’re ready to?

      3. kicking-k*

        I’m in that boat too – I don’t “not drink”, but I’m hard put to remember the last time I did. My husband can’t (it’s a migraine trigger) and it’s not something I miss if I don’t do it.

        I’ve never really been pressured by anyone since my teenage years (I live in a country where it’s legal to drink at 18) and would consider it very rude to speculate on other people’s consumption or non-consumption – of alcohol, food, whatever.

        1. Silver Robin*

          Vodka should be cold, like from the freezer. Have the shot in your dominant hand and your chaser (pickle, ideally/traditionally) in your off hand. Do not fill the shot glass to the brim, you will spill; fill it about 2/3 of the way, generally. Knock the shot to the back of the throat and tilt your head back as you do. Vodka is about texture/temperature (smooth, cold liquid, warm alcohol flush), not about taste. The less of it you taste, the better, so keep your head tilted back until the entirety of the shot has gone down your throat; fewer tastebuds back there. Consume your chaser.

          I learned by doing it with apple juice until I could not really taste the sweetness, if you want a safe way to practice.

          Cheers/Za zdorovye!

          1. I take tea*

            In Finland in some circumstances you are actually supposed to fill your glass to the brim and a bit more. The surface tension will keep it from spilling. Then you must raise the glass and drink without spilling. (In this case you sip it, no shot.) It’s named after Mannerheim, who was a general during the war (and president after). He allegedly poured that kind of shots to see if his subordinates had steady hands.

    3. Roy G. Biv*

      “Some spend too much time in the comment section of workplace advice columns.”

      Feeling a little targeted, Czhorat. Just sayin.’

      2. Eldritch Office Worker*

        Hey if my vice teaches me not to be an ass about someone else’s vice or lack thereof, I consider it time well spent.

      4. MigraineMonth*

        Very targeted. One of my friends could make it a drinking game where she took a shot every time I mentioned AAM, except she doesn’t drink.

      5. Starbuck*

        hah, I think that is more of a self-call-out than anything else, based on how well I recognize that user from over the years.

    4. Worldwalker*

      “Some spend too much time in the comment section of workplace advice columns.”

      I see what you did there!

    5. AGD*

      I have a friend I haven’t talked to in a long time because she brought her new partner to a wedding we attended and he kept trying to push alcohol on me. I firmly declined every “are you sure?”, but walked away exhausted and irritated. Never said anything, mainly because didn’t know how to tell my friend that I thought her new partner – a 45-year-old man – was being so weird about boundaries that I wanted to stay well away from him indefinitely. The worst part is that she’s a health educator for young adults and gives lots of lectures about consent.

      1. allathian*

        Yikes on bikes on trikes! My eyebrows kept going up and up, and when I read your last sentence, they went into low Earth orbit.

    6. honeygrim*

      The kind of drinking culture in this workplace is so weird to me (and I do enjoy the occasional alcoholic drink, though I don’t drink very often). I wonder what one of the LW’s drinking colleagues would say if the question was turned back on them?

      Sara: Why aren’t you drinking, LW?
      LW: Why ARE you drinking, Sara?

      I’m assuming Sara’s answer would be some variation of “because I want to.” Why is that okay for the drinker, but “because I don’t want to” is NOT okay for LW?

      This kind of peer pressure is never warranted, but doubly so when it’s among supposedly-professional adults.

      1. Festively Dressed Earl*

        A lot of law firms have a heavy-drinking culture, and it’s definitely something that needs to change yesterday. If I were OP I’d have been tempted to ask her coworkers if they were making an afterschool special.

        1. Wayward Sun*

          Journalism is another one. Also pretty much every industry in California, which for some reason has an extremely boozy culture where nearly every restaurant has a liquor license.

          1. The Kulprit*

            Nursing can be a 3rd. Fully half of the nurses I know are heavy drinkers in a way it would be wise for them to examine. Also, I’ve seen the same scenario described in the letter played out verbatim (except for the boss part, but that’s the only thing).

            1. Dog momma*

              Kul..could be a way of dealing with PTSD. Depending on their specialty. They might not even realize they have it.

              retired CT ICU RN

          2. Banana Pyjamas*

            I once went to a sushi restaurant in San Diego without reading any reviews. It turned out they ONLY served beer and sake. At lunch!

          3. Alz*

            Ha, as an Australian, I have to say I had to read that twice. The majority of restaurants here have a liquor license and the few that don’t have a BYO option and a bottle shop around the corner where you can pick somethign up- even lunch style places will generally serve wine and beer. I guess takeaway shop don’t really- but I wouldn’t call them restaurants.

            1. Wayward Sun*

              I grew up in Michigan where liquor licenses were (at least at the time) a lot stricter. Most restaurants didn’t have one unless they were pubs or fancier places that served wine. Family-style restaurants usually didn’t. Restaurants that were too close to a school or park didn’t. Often cities would cap the number of licenses, and sometimes one restaurant owner would buy them all up to discourage competition.

              The irony is package liquor in Michigan is extremely easy to buy. Grocery stores can sell it, as can many convenience stores. (But not before noon on Sunday.)

        2. Nah*

          On one hand, I can sympathize with using a vice like alcohol to deal with the high pressure of a law firm job, on the much bigger hand I would be extremely concerned as a client learning my legal council was getting hammered on the regular!

          (And yes, obviously as long as they aren’t drinking on the job or showing up to court plastered with a lampshade on their heads they can do whatever they want in their free time, but hangovers are killer on the head too and if my family/freedom/house/money/etc was on the line, I’d be wary of anyone not totally on their game working my case.)

          1. Sovreignry*

            Yeah, something like 1/5 *at least* of lawyers have a drinking problem. It’s rampant in this industry and State Bars can sometimes have a hell of a time helping those attorneys out, because until it actually affects a client or becomes a criminal matter, they can’t really step in.

            1. Banana Pyjamas*

              I read an article a few years ago; a study found approximately one-third of attorneys in the UK were “problem-drinkers”.

        3. I Have RBF*

          IT Operations tends to be a bit boozy. I say to people that “We had three vices: smoking, drinking and swearing. I quit smoking and seldom drink, so all I have left is swearing. It’s fucking great!”

        4. Hot Flash Gordon*

          Word, I used to hang out with some lawyers and I was almost impressed by their ability to drink like they didn’t want to live and still be upright.

      2. Kotow*

        The OP said she’s an attorney and this type of drinking culture is extremely common. There’s almost always a bar at a work-related event. Depending on the event, judges will get multiple rounds for groups of attorneys because they often get free drinks. It’s completely acceptable to have 4-6 drinks in an evening and so many people are doing it that it’s not easy to notice how intoxicated people have become–because 90 percent of the people there are at a similar level! But if someone is noticeably not drinking, people do become self-conscious about it and get defensive. It’s as though everyone knows they’re overdoing it, but they’re only reminded of it when someone isn’t drinking at all.

        1. perspex*

          Yes, and as a friend pointed out to me (I’m not much of a drinker), the drinkers are also concerned because they know that the non-drinkers will remember what everyone did.

    7. Ostrich Herder*

      I’m with you on this. People are WEIRD about drinking. I’m a woman right around the age and life stage where people expect me to get pregnant, and I’ve had clients speculate about whether I’m pregnant – in front of my face! – if I don’t drink in situations where I have in the past.

      The co-workers are going to be so, so annoying about this, assuming LW announces her pregnancy there and someone does the math. The “We KNEW it, you WERE pregnant!” comments would make me furious. Wishing LW lots of strength for that, and a healthy, easy pregnancy too!

      1. Frankie Mermaids*

        The double dose of weird around drinking plus weird about pregnancy. I can only imagine the whole “I KNEW IT” phenomenon is going to be unbearable with this crew in particular. I work with a similar type of gossiper who absolutely knew “something was up with you when you stopped talking to me” and could not stop telling people that they “had a feeling.”(The timing of that avoidance wouldn’t have anything to do with the gossiper’s own poor performance putting more work on me, no of course not)

    8. Chick-n-boots*

      Some spend too much time in the comment section of workplace advice columns.

      I may resemble that remark LOL.

      But to your actual point, I agree – people are so weird about drinking and I’m kinda pissed at all of the LW’s coworkers for being so nosy and feeling so entitled to explanations they aren’t owed AT ALL. They sound completely obnoxious, at least where this issue is concerned.

    9. Tio*

      I don’t drink, first for personal reasons and later health reasons on top of that, and people get SO PUSHY about trying to force you to drink. Why? Leave me be. I’m not stopping you or judging you I just DON’T WANT TO

      1. Nah*

        Family history of severe alcoholism, plus a parent that has severe reactions to alcohol, and also just me being cheap and not liking any drinks I’ve tried so far here. It’s especially frustrating that drinking culture (and drugs, to a different extent) is so embedded in the local queer culture here. I have to either spend 10-2am at a bar being pressured into expensive drinks by other adults that start getting Touchy Feely the more they drink, or get stuck in a group meeting where the average age of attendees is like 15. I’m nearly thirty, I want to connect with others in the community, but it’s super frustrating trying to navigate. I can’t imagine the sheer level of frustration LW must be feeling, but I definitely have at least an inkling…

        (to be clear, alcohol-based events are totally fine for those that enjoy them, and a lot of people do! it’s just that when every single get together is focused entirely on booze, it turns kinda alienating to someone not interested whatsoever. Like could I at least suggest doing… idk, a picnic? museum visit? axe throwing?)

        1. Seashell*

          Maybe you need to start a MeetUp group called Sober-Friendly Queer Events or something. Your people are probably out there somewhere. :-)

          1. Nah*

            I have offered when responding to the newsletter emails containing info (for both pg & 21+ types of) events, but have never heard back from anyone on how to move forward. You’re almost certainly correct though, though I do admit I’ve never gone through the organizing process on my own before and am somewhat intimidated by the prospect, especially the advertising aspect. (we are…. not in a generally friendly area to put flyers up or post on the town’s facebook group, and without the newsletter’s backing I don’t know how many people I’d be about to reach.)

            Maybe something to bring up in a weekend thread if it would fit? Probably better than going off, say, wikihow tutorials, lol, but I wouldn’t want to be too off-topic.

            1. Starbuck*

              I’d assume those running it are busy and doing it for free and so maybe don’t prioritize responding to speculative inquiries without a lot of nudging. Is there a reason why you can’t go ahead and plan the event you’d like to run, and then send them the details to post and assume they’ll put it in? Or is there some higher level of vetting required

      2. Laser99*

        I have a method. I say, LOUDLY, “Well I don’t look [current age], do I???” A man will laugh awkwardly and say, “No, you certainly don’t!” A woman will pull a sour face and scurry away. Ha!

    10. RIP Pillowfort*

      The only reason she needed was that she didn’t want to.

      I’ve been where OP was. I was 12 weeks and had all sorts of comments on why I wasn’t using my free drink tickets at the conference! I literally never drink so it wasn’t like this was a change for me. But the industry drinks heavily and comments on anyone that doesn’t follow suit. It’s just annoying.

    11. Miss Muffet*

      And then if you are visibly pregnant, they’re policing that too! I was at a party when I was about 6 mos preg and drinking just cranberry and soda because it was festive looking and tasted good but the LOOKS i got from people (and even a comment!) about what I was drinking and if it was alcoholic…. Like, just MYOB people.

      1. Freya*

        I know someone who literally had coffee taken out of her hand while pregnant. Which a) going cold turkey is worse for a fetus than drinking coffee, especially if you’re drinking only one cup a day, and b) the taker-away didn’t know if it was decaf in the cup or not!

        1. allathian*

          I’m in Finland, the country with the highest coffee consumption per capita in the world. We already have an inverted age pyramid, and if the doctors tried to ban coffee, there’d be a riot. I drink a lot of coffee (like 6 or 7 cups on a workday), but for the first trimester the mere smell of it would make me dry heave even if I didn’t puke even once during my pregnancy. I asked my husband to drink tea or instant coffee in the morning. Later I stuck to one cup a day.

          For older generations, it was almost a ritual to be taught to drink coffee as a kid. I was a bit unusual in that I started early, I was 5 when I totally refused to drink any milk. There were no flavorings other than chocolate and I was allergic to chocolate, so in desperation my mom put about one part coffee and 9 parts milk in a mug, and I happily drank it. When I was 15, the ratio had inverted itself, although I generally only drank coffee in the morning. My husband started to drink coffee when he was 7. My best friend in high school was unusual because she didn’t drink coffee yet. My son at 15 has never wanted to try coffee. He’ll drink a can of Coke now and then, but he isn’t interested in energy drinks (just as well, the authorities are talking about making it illegal to sell them to youngsters under 18, like alcohol).

          1. Dog momma*

            Mom was born in the 1920s and lived with immigrant relatives. All the kids started coffee at a young age. coffee and a piece of bread was breakfast.

          2. SimonTheGreyWarden*

            I had a lot of anxiety issues as a kid and therefore had insomnia. I remember being about the age my son is now – 8 or 9 – and being given a cup that was half and half (half coffee, half milk) in the mornings to help me get ready for school.

    12. JSPA*

      Plus people can be pregnant without knowing, and without trying. Or coming down with something, without being aware. “I didn’t feel like a drink” should mean exactly that. It provides safe harbor for everyone whose bodies are telling them, “eh, maybe not tonight.”

      And there’s no reason to feel bad about “turning out to probably have been pregnant, in retrospect,” by when the baby arrives. Gestation timing is variable, and so is pregnancy awareness. Some people have their periods through the first few months of pregnancy, and others have such uneven cycles that missing one or two is not definitive.

      1. Broadway Duchess*

        Just an FYI – people can have breakthrough or other bleeding during early pregnancy and it can resemble a period, but it’s not actually menstruation.

    13. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

      My mom is the kind of person who would announce to everyone at a party that someone isn’t eating something because of a dietary preference or allergy. But when it comes to alcohol, it’s turned up to 11. It becomes A Thing which then means I spent a good chunk of the party going no, I’m not pregnant or a fun black hole, I just don’t want a beer. I can guarantee almost no one noticed I was drinking an iced tea until she went around loudly talking about it.

      I suspect part of it is a subconscious belief that someone making a different choice than her is a criticism of her own choices. She’s having a drink and I am not, therefore she must make it A Thing so she can defend her choice to have a glass of wine and by doing so, now I’m the weird one making a weird choice.

    14. TJ Morrison*

      Now I’m tempted to make a little website that spins a wheel and gives the reason you’re not drinking today: Pregnant, Recovering Alcoholic, or Weirdo who hates fun.

  3. Silver Robin*

    And in that law firm were banana pants, b-a-n-a-n-a, with a wtf here and a wtf there p-a-n-t-s

    (no it does not fully scan with Old McDonald, but close enough)

    LW, this is absolutely bonkers. If anyone approaches you again, do absolutely lay into them the way Alison described and tell folks like Rose that you would expect her to shut down this kind of horrid gossip, rather than reporting to you that it is happening as an excuse to get the real “scoop”.

    Ugh and then when you *do* announce pregnancy (assuming you are still at this job then), everyone is going to be muttering “I KNEW IT” etc. Your coworkers suck. Your boss might suck even more, though I am hoping the “livid” is about not being told directly, rather than the pregnancy, but even then, that would be a wildly out of balance response. Best of luck with them and your pregnancy over all.

      1. ScruffyInternHerder*

        This is how I read this, full on.

        I’d change “My” to “This” in the previous part of the song though, because this IS bullshit.

    2. Queen of Comms*

      As someone who found out a few months ago that I’m pregnant, this story was the manifestation of every anxiety I experienced! Fortunately, even if people are suspicious because I have not been drinking at events, nobody has called me out at work events. It’s called tact, and OP’s coworkers have none.

      And now the pregnancy announcement, which should be a fun moment, will just be fodder for more gossip and whispers. OP, sending a big e-hug from a fellow pregnant woman who appreciates her privacy.

  4. chiffonades*

    I don’t work in a law firm, but is it common for people who do to completely normalize their boss being vindictive about an employee becoming pregnant??? I certainly hope this isn’t a law firm that works in employment law.

      1. MassMatt*

        On the OTHER hand, I know several people who work/have worked in law firms and have heard some pretty shocking stories–blatant discrimination, not paying contractors, not keeping info confidential, etc.
        I stopped saying “wait a minute, this is a LAW firm?” after the third or fourth “oh you poor naive child” look.

        It seems lots of lawyers think the law is something that applies to OTHER people.

        1. Olivia*

          Agreed!

          I do think the specific situation of employees normalizing a boss being vindictive to someone who’s pregnant is not common in any industry, but maybe I’m the naive child :)

        2. Jill Swinburne*

          Also, a lot of law firms who deal in one type of law are often woefully ignorant about other types of law – a criminal or family law firm might have zero idea of how employment law works, for instance.

        6. Mid*

          I think it’s more that lawyers know how hard it is to enforce those laws, and have the resources to fight cases in court if it comes to it, and so very few people fight them. I considered taking my former law firm employer to court, but quickly decided it wasn’t worth it emotionally or financially.

      2. Ellie*

        It unfortunately fits with what I have experienced regarding law firms. They know the law, and they know how to get away with things.

    2. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

      TBH, it wouldn’t surprise me if it were a law firm that does employment law.

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I hear surprisingly often about law-violating bosses who are lawyers, and not infrequently employment lawyers. It’s like they think they have the knowledge to get away with it or something. (Also, law firms seem to be up there on the list of workplaces with a high likelihood to be mismanaged. Doctors’ offices too.)

        1. ursula*

          Law in general often has an attitude of, “workplace protections are for the little guys who aren’t as smart and hard-working as we are.” It’s connected to the long hours, the sometimes abusive supervision and ‘mentorship’ conditions, the general vibe of collective suffering, the prestige-chasing. It’s very toxic and very common. Female law students are still regularly told that if they want to make partner, they should think about not having kids. Law schools are majority-women (at least here in Canada) and then if you look at the stats there’s a huge drop-off point around years 4-7 where suddenly a bunch of women disappear permanently out of the legal workforce and it’s majority men again. There are some great firms and great legal workplaces, obviously, but much like academia and medicine, law is in a lot of ways a deeply sick industry. (Source: was a lawyer, quit, now work in a quasi-legal nonprofit context)

        2. Greengirl*

          Yeah one of my best friends worked for a series of small law firms where she was forced to pray with her bosses and also pretty sure she was fired for being pregnant.

          The way she has explained it is that if she filed lawsuits against either of these employers, she would not be hired again in her community so that is often why they are able to get away with blatantly breaking employment law.

          1. ScruffyInternHerder*

            Not in the law field, but can confirm it can be “is it worth suing employer A when no settlement from them will make up for 50 years of employment for me?”.

            Might be something to why older women (in my field at least) seem to become less tolerant of the BS as the “years of employment” number becomes smaller. Hmmm.

          2. Tio*

            Also, lawyers are probably best positioned to not care if they’re sued for these things, I’d assume, since they can defend themselves and not have to pay legal fees. Whereas the person suing likely has to pay their own costs, and may not be able to afford a good enough lawyer, and sometimes the payouts aren’t even much after legal fees, not to mention the time it takes out of work

            1. Ellie*

              I think this is what it is. They’re often completely in love with their own skills too. They can’t conceive of the new para legal being able to best them on their own turf.
              Unfortunately, they’re usually right, since they mostly protect each other.

        3. Richard Hershberger*

          Mismanagement: Well, sure. Being a good lawyer (or doctor) is a distinct skill sets from being a good businessperson, much less a good manager. Much wackiness follows from this. Law firms have some weird restrictions on who can own them. This often plays out with one of: hiring a good office manager who runs things; having some or all of the equity ownership held by a guy with a law degree but who has not actually practiced law in decades; or muddling through and seeing what comes from it.

          1. Covert Copier Whisperer*

            Yes, this absolutely. Business management is it’s own skill and not one that a lawyer, or doctor, or dentist, or many other kinds of advanced professional training prepare you for.

            Some fields do have degrees that are for those who want to go into managing an organization in their specific field but those tend to be public service (education, NGO, etc).

          2. Sovreignry*

            This is 100% why law firms are mismanaged, because the people that make it to the top are good lawyers, not necessarily good managers.

        4. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

          The Former Lawyer Podcast dives into the various ways the legal profession is dysfunctional.

        5. DogFace Boy*

          Lawyers and doctors mismanage because they have the arrogant belief that because they have doctorates, that they must also magically be able to manage the peons who work for them. They do not understand that management is a career in its own right that requires education and experience to do successfully, and requires a skill set that they almost never have. In other words, hubris. (BTW this is coming from an attorney who knows better!)

          1. higheredrefugee*

            I kindly remind my fellow lawyers that we have Juris Doctors, a professional degree, not doctorates. Technically true for medical doctors but they earned that Doctor title in other ways. Either way, my management skills were not taught or earned in law school but in grad school and by working.

          2. HannahS*

            Come on, that’s so reductive. It’s more than personal hubris. I don’t know about lawyers, but doctors are expected to manage junior learners as soon as our first day of residency with no formal teaching on how. The unspoken, unexamined assumption across the entire field is that the ability to manage doesn’t need to be taught–that’s a systemic failure. Moreover, our training tends to be exploitative and abusive, which warps our norms of what is and isn’t acceptable…and at least in my jurisdiction, we are exempt from employment law, so some things that are otherwise illegal really ARE acceptable. So then you graduate, having been managing for 2-7 years, being managed by abusive managers the entire time, in a system that abides by different laws. Being unable to manage effectively–and not recognizing that you’re the problem–involves some arrogance, sure, but it’s more than that.

        6. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

          And IT firms have the worst network security. There’s a lot of ‘oh I’m the expert so I don’t have to follow the rules. Rules are for the general public’ stuff.

          1. MigraineMonth*

            “Well of course *I* need root access and read/write on everything. I’m super smart; I’d never accidentally delete the production database with a typo in my script.”

          1. MigraineMonth*

            Truly horrifying to learn how many employment laws don’t even apply to the judiciary. WTF!

        8. Legal Eagle*

          Worked at multiple law firms and YES. Employment lawyers are the worst offenders (doubly so if they are in charge of dealing with internal employment issues, which, just, no).

          But secondly, as others point out, lawyers are taught to practice law and not business. There’s a slow and steady increase of business professionals in C-Suite positions at law firms, which is long overdue. Everything improves when you have lawyers only being lawyers and business professionals doing their thing.

          1. Sovreignry*

            Part of the problem is that certain jurisdictions prevent any business professionals from being in certain positions for law firms. Like, the CEO, President, Secretary, and CFO all have to be attorneys.

        9. Hyaline*

          Yeaaaah my friends’ experiences lead me to believe that many law firms expertly discriminate against pregnant and parent employees in ways that let them skirt any legal implications completely–not giving them enough billable hours, stuff that “on the books” isn’t suss but it absolutely is on purpose.

        10. Steve for Work Purposes*

          Yeah the only job where I have ever been formally reprimanded for discussing rates of pay with my coworkers was, ironically, a law office. The lawyer I was mostly assigned to as a filing clerk/translator/dogsbody was great, the person who was senior partner was…..bananapants in multiple ways.

        11. Steve for Work Purposes*

          Yeah the only time I’ve ever been formally reprimanded for discussing pay with my coworkers was ironically the time I worked for an office of attorneys (immigration law though not employment). I was a college student working as a translator/filing clerk/dogsbody and the lawyer I was mostly assigned to help was great, but the partner who owned the practice was….bananapants in multiple ways, the “discussing pay with your coworkers just makes everyone feel bad and causes jealousy and is an inappropriate topic of discussion” lecture was just one of the wtf incidents from my time working there. She was a very effective lawyer for her clients though!

          1. Glad I'm Retired*

            Usually non-union jobs the salary is supposed to be confidential. I remember working in one office where the boss was so paranoid about anyone opening they paychecks in front of anyone. Made me wonder, what is this employer hiding? Maybe that the males are being paid more than the females?

      3. Pastor Petty Labelle*

        Same. Employment law firms are some of the worst violators of employment law (huge generalization I know).

        OP, they were feeling defensive so they took it out on you.

        Your boss is unreasonable even if the reason they will be vindicative is they heard it through gossip not from you first, rather than pregnancy discrimination. I would talk to the partner you trust most and lay it out. Ask them the best way to handle it, whether one on one, or if that lawyer will tell everyone that speculating on people’s health is not allowed.

        1. Sloanicota*

          I think it’s a subset of the same factor we’ve talked about before wrt nonprofits; small law firms and small doctor’s offices and small nonprofits tend towards mismanagement because there’s an outsized impact of a few individuals. Plus small places generally don’t have a real HR, may not may of the basic policies others take for granted, and often aren’t subject to state or federal laws.

          1. badger*

            even better when it’s a small non-profit law firm whose exec is a hell of a good attorney and the absolute worst manager who holds unconscious grudges against women, attorneys, and people younger than he is, and even worse when he is afraid that one of his staff attorneys might be smarter than he is.

            I got the silent treatment for half my notice period. It was honestly great.

    3. CityMouse*

      Small law firms can be the worst. A friend of mine quit a small law firm after her boss threw a stapler at her head.

      1. Richard Hershberger*

        Conversely, they can be the best. I worked for one guy for fifteen years. He didn’t throw staplers. The range of possible working conditions is greater in a small firm, as it depends on, in many cases, the personality of one guy.

        1. Sloanicota*

          I admit, I work at a tiny place – now it’s just me and my boss – and I’ve been very happy because I like that boss and our work styles are compatible. But it’s basically all down to just that, with no outside mediating influence, so it obviously has a greater potential to go wrong. And I don’t get most of the worker protections that are specifically for workplaces of 15 or more.

    4. Petty Crocker*

      I worked in a tax firm where one of the named partners (a woman, no less) would get angry when women had the audacity to not time their pregnancies around busy seasons. Busy seasons are twice a year for 3 months each.

      The partner of the team I was on was upset because my cancer treatment interfered with busy season. (It was 10+ years ago–I’m all good.) I got clandestine reports from the office while I was going through chemo and radiation (after surgery) that she was in her office muttering “why me?” because I had to be out for that busy season. When I found myself wishing for cancer again, I knew it was time to get out of that place.

    5. Dandylions*

      TBF, Rose said it would be a problem if he found out through gossip. Still not great, but not quite the same as finding out you are pregnant would be an issue. Especially since it sounds like Rose is openly TTC.

    6. Meep*

      I don’t work at a law firm, but it is pretty common in every male-dominated profession for what I gather for bosses to be up in a women’s uterus. I work in engineering for a start-up and was threatened with being fired a couple times when I got sick, because of how inconvenient being pregnant would be for my boss (and she was a woman).

      Luckily, she got fired (she was also a massive bigot who fired someone the day before their scheduled gender-affirming surgery for being trans), and I can have a stress-free pregnancy, but it definitely carried over that I didn’t tell my new boss until I was 5 months just to be safe.

    7. Lady Danbury*

      Law firms are known for being incredibly toxic employment environments. Obvs #notalllawfirms, but far too many. Especially big law firms. Definitely a case of the shoemaker’s children having no shoes.

    8. Boof*

      I feel like so many professions attract people who “are also a client” / have vested interest in the work for all the wrong reasons.

    9. Anony*

      It’s pretty easy to do if you work in certain industries where being in the trenches and surviving abusive behavior is treated as a badge of honor …*cough* journalism, *cough* politics *cough cough.* “Veep” isn’t that much of a parody.

  6. Judge Judy and Executioner*

    What the heck? I was just at a networking event last week and there was an open bar. I usually will have a drink or two, but had an upset stomach and stuck to soda. No one said anything at all, other than to offer to get me a drink of my choice since I couldn’t leave a table. That’s the way it should be!

    1. CityMouse*

      I have GERD avoid alcohol when I’m having a flare up (and drinking more than one ever). There are TONS of reasons people don’t drink.

  7. HonorBox*

    I disagree slightly about the boss part of this … but only because I read the letter a particular way. It seems like the OP is saying the boss would be livid if they found out about the pregnancy through gossip, not directly from the person. That only changes what one would worry about and how to proceed. If it is indeed that boss would be livid if they found out through gossip, I think I’d suggest going back to Rose and pushing back on what she said. Like, “Rose, you said boss would be livid if they found out through gossip. My not drinking one night because I didn’t want to drink two nights in a row brought out wild speculation on everyone’s part. That gossip that the boss might hear is because people are gossiping. All I did was not drink at a work event. I’d appreciate your help in shutting this down.”

    Further, OP might talk to the lawyer they are closer to and dive in on this point a little more. Let them know that the situation was very uncomfortable, they provided valid reasons for not drinking (as if a valid reason is even needed…) and people are gossiping. Someone said boss would be upset if they heard about a pregnancy through gossip, but how does one shut down gossip more than OP has tried?

    There’s zero reason to change course on how you announce. And I think it is absolutely reasonable to tell coworkers how out of line their speculation and gossip is. No need to outline why… just tell them that it is out of line and unprofessional and needs to stop immediately.

    1. dulcinea47*

      this is how I read it too, he’d be mad about hearing it thru gossip, not necessarily that he’d be mad at the pregnancy. But it’s still horrible that he’d take it out on LW, it’s not her fault others are gossips!

    2. Silver Robin*

      Yeah, I also read it as you did. But Boss being livid about that is also an outsized reaction. Boss is not entitled to knowing first. Boss technically only needs to know once it becomes a workload/time off issue.

      If Boss does hear about it and confront LW, I would say something like “My coworkers are speculating wildly because I did not have alcohol during a dinner together and have continued to do so even after I told them to stop.” Maybe something like “I assure you that I will let you know should a pregnancy begin to affect my work.” or something that tells Boss there will be open/proactive/professional communication. But the bigger point would be that the gossip is deeply speculative and unprofessional.

      1. HonorBox*

        I like how you put that. I could see Big Boss perhaps being a little upset, though not to the point of livid, if OP was announcing it to a few colleagues long before letting the Big Boss know and it got back to Big Boss. But even then, delays can happen. People can announce the way they see fit. It seems like an outsized reaction to be livid if you heard through scuttlebutt.

        1. Silver Robin*

          Right! Boss could just as easily be happy for LW and want to check in; maybe feel awkward because he technically found out indirectly. But if my Boss found out through gossip, the most I would get is “I just wanted to check in, I hear you are pregnant. Is that true? Congrats! Do you know where all the leave policy info is? Please talk to HR Person if you have questions. Let me know if you need anything and please give me a heads up once you know your time off plans so we can adjust for them.”

          Why livid? Who needs to be livid here?

        2. Sneaky Squirrel*

          Hmm, I don’t know of any situation that justifies why a Big Boss would feel the need to hear it first. If the Big boss will even get a little upset about not hearing it first, that’s coming out of egotism, not a business need.

          1. Silver Robin*

            My guess is a misplaced/overinflated sense of “I, Boss, actually have work reasons to know about the pregnancy, so should be prioritized over coworkers who do not have any reason other than friendliness/proximity to know.” LW says the guy is also paranoid a bit, so maybe a dash of “What else are they hiding from me???”

            I can see it happening, and people have emotions regardless of the utility of said emotions, but it would 100% be a choice to act on such emotions. Wrong choice.

    3. Suzi Quattro*

      If that’s the case, I might approach it as follows:

      Now: Hey, Boss, the other night Rose et al were giving me grief about not drinking and were speculating about my personal life in a really intrusive and inappropriate way. [Could you have a word, and also]/[I don’t want you to say anything to them, but] please ignore any gossip you hear about me.

      At the appropriate moment: Hey, Boss, you remember that time three months ago when I mentioned that Rose et al were speculating that I might be pregnant? Well, turns out…

    4. BostonANONian*

      I’m the Letter Writer! I should have been more clear, but YES, this is the correct reading. I can confirm my boss handled two simultaneous pregnancies/leaves while I’ve been here just fine. It would be hearing it via gossip, rather than from me directly, that I am concerned about. I think it would set a really unpleasant tone for this news, and he would be hurt by feeling like “the last to know” (that would be the paranoia). Which is why announcing earlier than planned would ease my mind, but also why (like many commenters) it would piss me off to validate the gossipers!

      Both Rose and Sara have since apologized…after they saw me talking to the trusted partner on Monday morning about what went down (Jenna had informed her of the behavior, though she kept my personal info private!). I was able to reiterate that their behavior was not okay, but honestly I am glad the partner knows and can work with me to figure out a way to handle this appropriately. It’s such a liability for the firm, I think it should not be in my hands to address alone.

      1. Silver Robin*

        Glad your Boss is good with pregnancies; still a bit of side eye about feeling hurt to be the “last to know” but if it is manageable for you, then fine.

        Also glad to hear the trusted partner is helping and that Jenna has had your back. It is absolutely should not be just on you to deal with this; or on you at all really! Hopefully the apologies stick and partner gets everyone in line, because this behavior is wildly out of line.

        1. Boof*

          I wouldn’t side eye boss in that this is info coming from someone who was already pushing boundaries / misbehaving, and not from a great source / not direct from the boss. I mean, I imagine bosses would always rather hear things directly rather than have to deal with rumors but sounds like the actual direct info is that boss has handled things well in the past.

          1. Silver Robin*

            Boss should be mad *at coworker* not at LW. I am side eyeing Boss for letting any of that out at LW, who has no control over ludicrous levels of gossip. Boss can feel however he wants, but he has made those feelings other people’s problem to the extent that LW is getting warnings about it, and that is bad behavior.

            1. Boof*

              I’m just not clear how much boss has wind of it, it didn’t sound like they were directly involved at all!

        1. Sarah*

          Thank you for this!! I often do a search for OP* or LW* to see if there are any updates, and tagging it like this is wonderful

      3. Karl Havoc*

        I was going to suggest enlisting Jenna to tell off the others if you didn’t feel like doing it yourself – I’m glad she was there for you.

        I also wanted to say that IMO, you should 100% feel free to tell Rose and Sara that you didn’t know you were pregnant yet during the conference if you don’t want them to feel validated by having been correct.

        1. Lisa B*

          I wouldn’t put it past these Nosy Rosies to be all “and do you remember she was DRINKING” when you do decide to announce.

      4. HonorBox*

        Thanks OP! I’m glad that was the correct reading, though it is a little difficult having to manage Big Boss’s feelings when you’re the one who should be able to share when and how you’d like to. I’m also glad that Rose and Sara apologized and the trusted partner was indeed trustworthy and helpful.

        Congratulations, too! This is an exciting time for you and I hope the workplace stress simmers down even more.

    5. Jack Straw from Wichita*

      “the OP is saying the boss would be livid if they found out about the pregnancy through gossip, not directly from the person” – Yes, exactly how I read it, too.

  8. Yankee*

    Ugh. I’ve been there. I was a young associate in a smallish department in the middle of a baby boom. At one point, three of us were pregnant and due around the same time, and the partners were beside themselves about how unfortunate the timing was—for them. I announced first and so got the most congratulations and the least amount of snark. By the time the third woman announced, the whole firm had pregnancy on the brain and had been speculating about her (and all of the other women of childbearing age) for weeks.

    1. polly*

      Ugh, I don’t like that. These are just one of the biases people carry against us younger woman in the workplaces.

  9. Annon for this one time*

    I’ve just been diagnosed as diabetic, and my doctor has instructed me to not drink until we get my blood sugar under control and have a better understanding of what alcohol may do to my system, and it’s nobody’s f’in business.

    2. Slow Gin Lizz*

      “Must be gestational diabetes.” – Rose, probably.

      In all seriousness, I hope you are doing ok and everything goes well with your blood sugar and all that.

  10. Nonsense*

    OP, I sincerely hope you can line up a job with a new firm for after you complete your maternity leave. These aren’t coworkers you want to keep longer than absolutely necessary, and you definitely don’t want to stick around with a vindictive boss either.

  11. ursula*

    FWIW, in legal workplaces, I have gotten a lot of mileage out of pointed use of the phrase “You are lawyers. You should know better.”

    5. Misty*

      I have a friend and religion does not allow alcohol. I would hate for people to make comments about her.

  12. Mouse named Anon*

    I am not a big drinker at all. I probably have a glass of wine once a month or so. This would royally piss me off. I hate telling people that I am not big drinker, bc it comes with alot questions on why and how. There’s not big secret its mostly bc I don’t like to drink. I am also a HUGE lightweight. Even in college when I drank semi-regularly (even then I didn’t drink like your typical college student). I am tipsy after 1.5 glasses of wine, 1 beer or 1 cocktail, get a pounding headache and have stomach issues the next day.

    People need to mind their own business!

    1. JustaTech*

      My husband is also not much of a drinker, and never has been. But his general division at work for some reason tends to be a lot of heavy drinkers. Not in a “you have a problem” kind of way, more in a “can drink beer like it is water” kind of way.
      And yet, for some reason they’ve never given him a hard time, or even really seemed to notice that he just doesn’t drink as much as they do (or at all). I don’t know if it’s because they’re all really nice people (they are nice, but not like exceptional) or if he just exudes some kind of Teflon that deflects the “why aren’t you drinking” questions. I wish I could learn how he does it and share it with the world. (Being a dude helps, for sure.)

      1. Ama*

        I think in a group of drinkers, the group dynamic is really strong. If no one says anything about someone else not drinking, in most groups that will set a “we don’t comment on people not drinking” mindset. But as soon as you get one person who decides they’re going to comment on it, it’s much easier for the group as a whole to think they’re all entitled to comment — to stop it, someone has to be the person to say “hey it’s not really any of our business” and that can be really hard.

        In the OP’s case if you add in people who *also* feel entitled to speculate on whether or not someone is pregnant, the dynamic gets even worse.

    2. Chirpy*

      This. I don’t drink much (like, maybe 5 drinks a year max) , and on top of that, I HATE beer, and am an extreme lightweight (I have gotten tipsy off a single glass of wine.) Bars also are sensory and anxiety hell. While there are a few drinks I do like, the combination of all these things means I basically do not drink in public.

      But WOW, do so many people take my “no, thanks, I’m not drinking tonight” as a personal insult to them, or then make it their mission to guilt me into drinking. The one time I drank with a coworker at a conference, she had *at least* 8 drinks, and she wouldn’t shut up about the fact that I dragged out one beer for the whole night, so I ordered another just to appease her – and then she was upset I drank that one faster so we could leave sooner.
      (Bar was crappy, and I was stuck there with her. There was literally ONE Uber in that town.)

    3. CeramicSun*

      I’m the same way. And unlike a lot of my classmates, I cannot drive for the rest of the night if I have a drink. Yes that includes just one drink of hard cider. No I can’t just eat some food and be good to drive in an hour. On the rare occasions I do drink, it’s normally when I’m at home for this exact reason

    4. Kimba*

      I’m also not a big drinker! Agree with everyone that we should NOT have to justify it, but as many are noting, that isn’t reality. I’m alllllways asked about it. In my case it’s due to migraines, so I say “I get migraines and alcohol is a trigger so I rarely drink.” People accept this shockingly well and quickly move on. Occasionally I’ll get some unsolicited migraine advice, “Oh but have you tried both MORE and LESS caffeine in your life??” Yes. I’ve tried all the things. I’m well treated by an excellent medical team. But usually if alcohol was the original point of interest folks just move on. It does have the unfortunate fact of being a medical condition that I shouldn’t have to disclose, but in my experience migraines rank pretty low when it comes to stigma. So for me it’s worth it shut down the alcohol speculation. Any non/light drinkers out there, feel free to “borrow” migraines as a low stakes way to shut the convo down!

  13. Jessica Clubber Lang*

    The boss being upset and having negative consequences seems far more disturbing than the gossiping coworkers! I’m not usually one to say consult a lawyer but I think Alson is on target here

    1. Liane*

      The OP, as BostonANONian, did state above that it was actually the Boss would’ve been upset *if he learned about the pregnancy from others,* not because he was a bigoted glassbowl, and had handled other office pregnancies appropriately. Also Jenna & a partner have OP’s back. So there’s some good news.

      The remaining bad news (IMO) is that Rose, Sara, et al. seem to be glass bowls who are trying to get OP in troyble with her boss, and who knows what pot they might stir next.

  14. Snow Leopard Pumpkin Enrichment*

    OP, this sucks and I’m so sorry. If it keeps coming up after you tell them off — which it might, if these people see you as a source of amusement — I suggest you take a leaf out of Captain Awkward’s notebook and just become as boring about it as possible. For example:

    Them: “Ooh, still not drinking at the Halloween party, eh?”
    Me: “Yup. Where’d you get your costume?”

    Them: “Are you actually pregnant? You can tell me.”
    Me: “I’ll keep that in mind. How’s the brief coming along?”

    If you give them as little as possible to work with, some people will eventually tire of it and move on. But to be clear, AAM is 100% right and you should not have to be dealing with this.

    1. Bird names*

      Co-signed. Being boring can be extremely useful if you are not the type for a big confrontation. You still might get an extinction burst, but that cannot be controlled by one’s behavior.

  15. DramaQ*

    LW I hope you realize how incredibly full of bees and toxic your workplace is. You shouldn’t be pressured to drink and have your coworkers gossiping about you if you don’t. You shouldn’t have to fear your boss being livid and punishing you for being pregnant.
    I personally don’t care for alcohol all that much I never have. Drinking culture is very weird especially as you get older. I find that the people who feel the need to get “very drunk” especially at work functions project on those of us who don’t drink because deep down they are probably aware being smashed at a work function isn’t the best look. You being sober reminds them of that so they go on the offensive. If you are drunk too then it’s all just good fun!
    While it is daunting it isn’t impossible to find another job while pregnant. There are companies out there who are supportive and aren’t full of drunk busy bodies. I can understand not wanting to job hunt at this time but after what you just went through I’d seriously consider the possibilty.

  16. Laser99*

    I am a lifelong non-drinker and have experienced all types of odd reactions. I don’t understand it either.

    1. Nonsense*

      So many people just can’t seem to comprehend having even a decent time without drinking. I’ve reached the point where I feel sorry for those people, that they’ve lost the ability to enjoy outings without impairment.

      Although pleasantly, at my big work conference last week, I didn’t encounter anyone who judged my not-drinking. A few people were actually jealous of my very tasty maraschino cherries and switched drinks later on (the bar tender was sweet and gave me extra since I was the first nonalcoholic order of the night).

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      I think it’s people who feel they are being Bad, and so if anyone is not doing the Bad Thing the speaker is being judged, and only by demanding that whatever the speaker is doing be acknowledged as the social norm can they feel okay about doing it, so anyone not doing it is basically attacking them.

      So if someone said “I definitely don’t have any sort of problem with my use of llama YouTube videos! My viewing is totally normal and not something anyone should be concerned about!” I would expect that person to monitor other people’s llama YouTube video viewing, and try to get them to view more videos until the speaker felt reassured that their own llama video viewing was definitely not A Problem.

      2. HannahS*

        Yeah. I’m also a lifelong non-drinker and a woman who doesn’t wear makeup and hoo-boy, people really take my personal choices as a referendum on theirs. I’m sure that vegetarians experience the same thing.

        I also find that people ask “why” without really thinking about whether or not they want to hear the answer. There’s this implicit, “please reassure me that you’re not judging me!” which I think speaks to your point.

        But the answer to “why” isn’t always, “Oh it’s this totally benign, socially acceptable reason and in fact, I believe that our two choices are morally equivalent and have no opinion whatsoever on any one else’s actions, so I insist that you carry on!” I think it’s valid for vegetarians to disapprove of anyone eating meat; I would never put someone in the position of either explaining that to me or lying about it in the middle of the meal. And conversely, I don’t want to be asked why I don’t drink by someone with a drink in their hand.

    3. Ellis Bell*

      I started having an allergic reaction to alcohol in my thirties, and because my partner doesn’t care enough about alcohol to drink alone at home; he started noticing his migraine frequency went way down, so he doesn’t drink any more either. When we’re with most people who drink, this is not a big deal, but when we are around DrinkersTM, you’d think we trying to introduce Prohibition or bring back the temperance movement. Really, though, It’s just a type of drink, would everyone lose their minds if I gave up orange juice?

  17. Clearance Issues*

    my office has a huge alcohol culture. I’m not a big drinker and a few others aren’t either so we’ve been pushing for less alcohol focused team building.

    Someone at my old job did speculate that I was pregnant once and because I was leaving for other reasons, I asked “why my sex life and medical history is their business.”
    do not do that if you want to keep good relationships with your coworkers. I didn’t care because I was leaving.

  19. Glomarization, Esq.*

    You’re a lawyer. In your best oral argument voice, tell your colleagues to knock it off, you have work to do.

  20. Jo*

    Why can people just not accept that people might not want to drink alcohol or assume you can’t have a good time without alcohol? There have been times I’ve thought about getting myself an orange juice and just pretending there was vodka in it,so people would not hassle me. LW, I hope all works out for you and that your colleagues are contrite about what happened and keep their noses out of what’s nothing to do with them in future!

    1. MissMaple*

      Yeah, everyone at work thinks I drink Moscow mules. I just like ginger beer, lime, and a cup that no one can tell what it has in it, so nosy people leave me alone.

      1. AnonAdmin*

        During a recent trip I was introduced to the world of mocktails (one restaurant even had a menu of them!) and 1) tasty and 2) they look just like the alcohol versions so no questions.

        1. Freya*

          My favourite pub to take people to in my area has a mocktail specials board the same size as the cocktails specials board (the actual drinks menu doesn’t have any mocktails, which makes me sad), and there’s always one called the RBT The Deso (which stands for Random Breath Testing The Designated Driver). They also have a couple of alcohol free wines, a few more alcohol-free beers, and three non-alcoholic spirits.

      1. BostonANONian*

        I did ALSO have a club soda with lime! (I am the LW.) I really thought that would keep me in the clear.

        1. Silver Robin*

          That clarifies the “I’ll have what she’s having … wait this is non alcoholic? Huh??” sequence; coworker probably thought they were getting a straightforward drink. I was imagining a more elaborate mocktail and was rolling my eyes at a coworker taking a risk on an unknown drink and getting all up in arms about it being non-alcoholic. All of it is still ridiculous, though

      2. Ellis Bell*

        Yeah always put a little lime/cherry/onion in your drink to fly under the radar. And a fancy stirrer.

    3. fhqwhgads*

      Sure, but in this case LW had a mocktail already. It was the colleague ordering “whatever she has” that made them realize it was a mocktail and started the whole sequence, not the absence of a drink. This is the one way for the decoy drink to fail.

  21. Quinalla*

    Drinking culture can be so weird and invasive! When I was pregnant and not drinking because of it but hadn’t announce, I had a ready excuse in case someone asked (and people did) which was I was on a new diet. I normally drink socially, so it was a tad more reasonable for folks to be curious, but still it is awful how people immediately jump to pregnant if you are someone who can get pregnant or alcoholic if you aren’t – those tend to be the two assumptions. So I didn’t want those assumptions made, so I gave them a reason instead that wasn’t even really a lie since I had changed my diet with knowing I was pregnant.

    I wish people would chill out about drinking though. I never question or look sideways at someone who doesn’t want to drink alcohol, it’s all good and lots of reasons to abstain and people should not have to give excuses. Ugh!!

    It reminds me of coffee culture, though not quite as bad. A lot of folks just don’t believe that I don’t like coffee and also that I can take or leave caffeine. So annoying, but much less detrimental for gossip.

  22. The Wizard Rincewind*

    I hate that people feel so entitled to someone else’s health status. ESPECIALLY pregnancy, since it’s such a fraught period of time in someone’s life and full of complex emotions, history, and health challenges (even in the smoothest, dream-scenario pregnancy, which I wish wholeheartedly on the LW). This is so gross and my skin crawled reading it. As someone of reproductive age who’s chosen to never have children, I get a lot of this as people can be weirdly obsessed with me “changing my mind,” and every instance of me deciding that I just don’t feel like drinking is watched like a hawk. I’ve started carrying a dummy drink on those occasions just to fend off speculation (it’s harder to discreetly dump a glass of wine in a sit-down environment, though).

    I’m usually the last person to suggest confrontation, but I think I would have flipped my lid in this scenario and wouldn’t have blamed LW for doing so. Your coworkers are aggressive loons.

    1. dulcinea47*

      I go with a club soda for a decoy drink. Most people just assume its a cocktail and I don’t hear anything about it.

      1. FrogEngineer*

        It sounds like LW did something like this and only got caught when her coworker ordered the same thing.

        1. Silver Robin*

          The fact that this could have been so easily avoided if coworker had just ordered something else is eating at me. The coworker did nothing wrong in ordering the same thing and it is not like LW could have stopped it from happening, but who could have predicted such consequences? What a wild butterfly effect.

          1. BostonANONian*

            I’m the LW and I did order both a mocktail and a club soda with lime (when I do drink, it is typically a G&T, so this would not be unusual for me, either). I was honestly too shocked by the whole thing to be mad about it until afterwards.

    2. WS*

      Yeah, I have a co-worker who tragically had a stillbirth. People were so aggressive about trying to find out if she was “trying again” that she stopped drinking permanently so that she couldn’t be “monitored”. I’m also a non-drinker so we hung out together at work events. It was just so egregiously awful.

      1. allathian*

        Oh, no. I’m so sorry for your coworker! That would’ve had me noping out of any and all after work socializing as well as polishing my resume.

  23. Stuart Foote*

    I assume the boss will be mad because LW didn’t tell him herself, and the official reason will not be because she is pregnant (but basically that is the real reason since people typically don’t share as soon as they find out, especially for the first baby). The co-workers are out of line but I will say sometimes declining a drink when that’s not the normal pattern does reveal the pregnancy–I’ve found out about a number of friends’ pregnancies that way (although I’ve never been pushy or obnoxious like these co-workers).

    It really seems like the main issue here is the boss being so paranoid that this will have negative consequences–pregnancy aside that seems like it would be a horrible situation to be stuck in. Maybe this job is great in other ways but I’d be looking for the door.

    Allison’s script would be good if LW wasn’t pregnant, but it is definitely undercut by the fact that she is. I would focus on how spreading that kind of gossip is far from harmless given the office dynamics and putting someone on the spot like that (pregnant or not) isn’t nice at all.

  24. Twill*

    The whole idea of monitoring what coworkers drink or don’t drink is just so odd to me. And as many have posted here, there can be a multitude of reasons. This makes me think of my grandmother, who had no objection to drinking, but did not drink because “it’s tastes like medicine”. She lived to be 102 and as far as I can remember, she never drank anything but tea.

    1. ThursdaysGeek*

      My excuse is it smells like 10th grade biology, but I also haven’t got pressure from others. Am I just hanging out with better people?

      I do recall a work New Year’s celebration, and everyone was given a drink. I took it, raised the cup when they did the toasts, and after that was over, found someone who looked like they wanted another, and quietly offered my untouched drink to them. No-one seemed to notice or care.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        As a nondrinker in college (late 80s), I noticed that (thanks to MADD) other college students shrugged, but people 10-20 years older were very aware of whether you were drinking, and pressured you to conform so they would feel not judged.

    2. Paint N Drip*

      The only time I’m monitoring coworkers drinking is when I’m concerned about someone’s drinking, never their non-drinking. I worked as an admin at a medical office through high school and some college (iykyk, medical workers can really turn up) so I guess I honed my ’employee party with open bar cut-off alert’ vision and can’t let it go

  25. KC*

    I’m not an attorney…and this group of people is made up of attorneys…but a lot of this feels illegal. Like, couldn’t this be considered sexual harassment/gender-based harassment REGARDLESS of LW’s actual pregnancy status? You’d think a bunch of attorneys would be more thoughtful about that. Jeez.

    LW, sorry your coworkers suck and are speculating about something that is soooo not their business. I’m righteously angry on your behalf!

  26. CityMouse*

    The legal profession is such a mess when it comes to alcohol. One minute in law school we’re getting a lecture on substance abuse, the next we’re invited to multiple happy hours. We were even coached on how to hide that we’re NOT drinking at events. I had a classmate who died from complications of drug and alcohol abuse and it drives me nuts.

      1. CityMouse*

        FWIW I work in public interest and it’s much better. Firms, it really depends on the firm, but since COVID there’s a lot more teleworking so less in office drinking culture.

    3. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

      Weekly “Bar Review” (aka happy hour) was an immediate thing starting 1L year. It’s ingrained in the legal culture from the get go.

      1. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

        To add: heavy drinking at these events was typical, not nursing one drink throughout

        1. CityMouse*

          I had Civ Pro at 9 AM on Fridays and people missed it all the time because they stayed out too late at bar review on Thursday nights.

          1. Happy-non-drinker*

            My law school’s culture did not have a drinking culture.
            We did have a play softball culture, and a study culture.

    4. Bast*

      Yes, I worked at a firm where drinking events were a big deal and you were expected to attend, or you weren’t a “team player.” These occurred monthly, sometimes twice a month if there were a special event occurring that month (ie: CEO’s birthday, celebration for a wedding, etc). This had an effect on raises, promotions, etc. This was a larger firm, mostly younger people, and upper management could not seem to comprehend that a) various people did not want to drink for just as many reasons and b) people actually wanted to spend time away from work in their time off, not attend crappy events that almost all revolved around getting sloppy drunk. We even had an event where someone drove their car into the building where the event was being held because they were *THAT* drunk. You’d think that would be a sign to cut back on the drinking events, but no. They just banned (company) shots and had taxis lined up to drive the intoxicated people home.

      1. Bast*

        And let me make it clear — shots themselves were not *technically* banned altogether, the company just wouldn’t pay for them anymore. Up until then, you could purchase shots and put them on the company tab. You were still free to order as many non-shot drinks (including mixed beverages) as you wanted though! And it was encouraged, not merely tolerated.

    5. BostonANONian*

      I’m the LW! This ^^^^ @CityMouse, you are so right. It’s a terrible culture. Even panelists were joking about getting to happy hour. I’ve never been a big drinker, but don’t mind drinking socially. Even so, it was still a work event, with more conference events the next morning.

    6. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

      Similar thing happens to doctors. I’ve met so many who’ll lecture you on the evils of smoking and then you’ll see them after a 24 hour shift chain smoking by their car.

      1. Nah*

        To put my speculation goggles on, from what experience I do have, many workers have taken up smoking because for some reason so many workplaces (including hospitals) are totally chill with someone taking eight smoke breaks a shift, but you want to sit down for two minutes? No, frick you, get your rear back to work we’re too short staffed for that!

      2. Boof*

        Doctor here, and an oncologist.
        I will 100% say doctors are not always willing or able to follow 100% of health advice (I would love to have a healthy BMI and do cardio 150 min a week; I usually fall far short of that. Having 3 kids and working 60+ hours a week, I admit I am human and I’ve de-prioritized some of my personal physical health)
        That being said, I’m still able to tell people what they should strive for when it’s relevant, and ways to go about it, even as I totally acknowledge life, health, and biology is often not fair and not ideal. A doctor who smokes but lectures on how bad smoking is not entirely inappropriate to me; one who dismisses and minimizes the dangers of smoking would be far worse.

    7. me*

      Yep, first day of 1L orientation, the Dean gave us the substance abuse lecture. 12 hours later we had our very first bar review scheduled.

      I was so happy that a recent legal conference I went to had a special mocktail listed on the menu above the special cocktail at the welcome reception. I tried both, and went back for seconds on the mocktail because it tasted better.

    8. TQB*

      Just came back from a conference where the keynote was an attorney in recovery. There were 5 different happy hour events over the 3 days.

      We are so broken. I survived being a junior associate at a big law firm by volunteering to pick up the first round. I’d go to the bar and ask the bartender to give me seltzer with lime in a cocktail glass, and that with every round, if they could please do this instead of the “gin and tonic” I’d order. I also shamelessly tossed shots of alcohol over my shoulder, dumped drinks in planters, became suddenly clumsy, etc. These should not be life skills i needed to learn.

    9. Bird Law*

      I don’t drink, and I find that this culture had gotten better after COVID. I was not part of a clique-y associate class, so maybe I missed this aspect of firm life. In a group of adults, particularly women, I was a little surprised at the surveillance in this letter!

      1. BostonANONian*

        I’m the LW. I have never had this issue come up before with anyone in this office. I don’t hang out with these folks socially outside of work stuff. We have had plenty of other social office events, and I’ll have a drink, but it would hardly be the first time I declined a drink, called it a night early, or skipped a happy hour. I was honestly so shocked in the moment, it was hard to figure out how to respond. Hindsight is 20/20, of course, but in the moment I was just baffled. There are plenty of drinkers in this office, but I think if any partner had been present to see what was happening, that wouldn’t have continued.

  27. Somehow I Manage*

    It strikes me as odd that people get very drunk at work events. A little drunk? Maybe. If there’s an open bar it can happen more easily than if you’re paying. Tipsy? Sure. I’m always cautious myself because if I’m representing my workplace, I want to be on my game. In addition to slowing my mind, alcohol also makes it harder for me to hear conversations over the din of a reception.

    I think in addition to perhaps looking elsewhere for work, it might be worth a conversation with one of the senior lawyers at the firm about how these colleagues were not representing themselves or the firm well. Each workplace is different and I’m sure things vary from industry to industry and event to event, but if colleagues are VERY DRUNK, and they’re representing the company at a conference, even on their “own time” and not at a formal function, I think it would be good for the firm’s leadership to understand what some of the attorneys were doing and how they’re negatively impacting the firm. Maybe in this case no one did something stupid in public like jumping naked into a pool, but they are setting the firm up for some trouble by harassing someone for not drinking and then wildly speculating about someone’s medical status.

    1. TechWorker*

      Meh I think that it depends whether they are actually ‘representing their workplace’ in any way. A dinner that’s part of the conference is different to a dinner with your boss is different to a dinner with colleagues at the same level. You might personally have the boundary that you would never, ever drink much whilst in the presence of colleagues, but I don’t think everyone has that boundary (& to some extent it would be an overstep by the workplace imo if they tried to enforce that – after work hours your time is your own, including whether you choose to hang out with colleagues).

  28. KitKat*

    I had some work travel and family visits in very early pregnancy and this was my nightmare. I spent time in my hotel practicing how I’d respond to “joking” comments about my drink orders (I was going to pretend I was doing Dry January… in February/March…) It thankfully didn’t actually happen, because my coworkers aren’t absolute boors.

    I’m so sorry, OP, that this happened to you, and so sorry for the anxiety you must be feeling about what will happen when these people find out they were “right.” This was not okay.

    1. CV*

      Dry January in a non-January month could be very funny, especially if some of the people you say it to are so drunk they don’t realize it’s not January.

      1. Paint N Drip*

        ‘oh I’m doing Dry January’
        *coworker looks around Halloween-themed bar and thinks to themselves maybe I should stop drinking too…*

      2. KitKat*

        Haha yeah I was going to be like “oh I had such a great dry January I decided to just keep it rolling!” But I love the idea of just saying dry january with no further explanation :)

      3. Daria grace*

        In Australia there are a bunch of different go without alcohol for a month for charity challenges like Dry July or OcSober (in October). Theres gotta be 4 or 5 months covered at this point

        1. Freya*

          The one that turns up in my circle is “No —— November” where —— can be anything they feel like. Sometimes ‘No Mo November’, to do something that isn’t Movember, sometimes people give up dating in order to reset and try and make better choices, sometimes people give up drinking.

  29. Selina Luna*

    I absolutely do not understand any of this. Why would someone care what liquid someone else puts in their body? I frequently choose not to drink when I’m out, and my friends have never commented on it. I guess my friends are just cool? Alcohol has never come up around workmates (I’m a teacher in a part of the country with a large LDS population; alcohol is not served at staff functions, even when they occur in restaurants that have alcohol available). But I hear all the time about people choosing not to drink around a group of people, people who don’t know them well, even, and getting harassed about not drinking. You don’t ever know whether someone has a reason for not drinking, but frankly, it’s not your business whether they have a great reason or no reason at all for not having alcohol.

  30. Lacey*

    This is so weird and awful.

    I work for a company that does a LOT of heavy drinking and pushes it at gatherings even as more and more of my coworkers are cutting back on alcohol for a variety of reasons.

    Even so, I can’t imagine any of them going this far.

  31. Rob aka Mediancat*

    One of my previous workplaces had a big drinking culture — not that anyone was intentionally isolated, but, as a nondrinker (I’m the one who simply doesn’t like the taste) and something of an introvert I never felt at ease in the more boisterous culture of that workplace. And note, these were folks who were trying to be friendly and helpful and never once said anything about my not drinking. I can’t imagine how unpleasant it would have been had they pressed me on the issue.

  32. Shelly*

    The only OTC pain med I’m allowed to take is tylenol, and I would never drink after taking that, so sometimes that’s why I’m not drinking. Sometimes it’s because sweet alcoholic drinks make my stomach hurt, but I don’t like the taste of non-sweet ones. Most of the time I’d just rather drink iced tea or water. In my 20s, people probably would have bugged me about it, but luckily my interest in alcohol fell off in my 30s, when a bunch of other people I know also stopped drinking very much.

  33. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

    My go to (and it’s usually the truth) if I’m asked, is “I’m driving tonight”. Alas, wouldn’t work in this situation.

  34. VP of Monitoring Employees’ LinkedIn and Indeed Profiles*

    I’m reminded of an Instagram Reel in which the Overbearing Boss character mandates drinking during the company’s Happy Hour, threatens to write up anyone who doesn’t drink, and fumes when Rebellious Employee openly refuses.

  35. ticktick*

    Separate from the main issue of the weird alcohol-culture/policing/harassment going on, what’s with the initial catalyst of the person ordering “I’ll have what’s she’s having” without knowing what it is, and then making a big deal about it? If you ordered it because it looked good when your colleague was drinking it, then presumably that’s WHY the colleague ordered it!

  36. Too Long Til Retirement*

    UUgghhh as someone who used to drink a lot and has now cut back to a drink or two on weekends…your coworkers sound insufferable. There are so many reasons to not drink, and honestly not drinking needs to be more of a norm! Luckily I have noticed many places having mocktails and NA beer as options, and I think it’s great. I have spoken up about cutting back, and people get super weird about it.

  37. Insubordinate Clause*

    I rarely drink anymore. When I was younger, I got more pressure and saying that I just don’t like the taste (or cost) didn’t matter. Now I cheerfully respond, “I gain weight easily and learned that I can drink my calories or eat them. I’d rather eat them. What looks good on the menu?” This both shuts people down and changes the subject.

    1. My Brain is Exploding*

      oh, I’ve done that…and it is also kind of true…I would DEFINITELY rather have a nice chocolate dessert than an alcoholic beverage.

  38. anon4ny*

    If I were you, I would document, document, document. As AAM noted, it’s generally totally illegal for employers to discriminate against someone pregnant- I think there’s a movie about this called “Labor Pains”, where an office worker fakes a pregnancy to avoid getting fired.

    Also, drinks or not, your coworkers were all speculating about your body and a personal condition, all pretty casually. This is so weird- could it be professional sabotage, since your boss wouldn’t like this and presumably they know that? Without confirming from you first, this is such a tenuous leap to *must be pregnant* because you ordered a mocktail…

    1. A person*

      1) She isn’t necessarily drinking. She gave an excuse to her colleagues, saying she had a big party the day after. Doesn’t mean she would actually drink.
      2) Half a drink isn’t going to have a big impact anyway. Especially since it’s rosé : it’s basically flavored water.
      3) That’s her business anyway.

    4. Media Monkey*

      Wow. that’s what you took from the letter? half a glass of fizz is going to be within safe pregnancy limits (in the UK 1-2 units of alcohol a week would be considered to be fine)

    5. Expelliarmus*

      Didn’t you see? They felt coerced into doing so. Before that they were drinking a mocktail.

  40. A person*

    Here’s my reason for not drinking. Please use it if necessary (shouldn’t have to, but there you go) : I run and when I drink, I don’t recover and perform as well as I could.

    You can twist it for basically any kind of physical activity. You can just invent a hike, a big yoga session… whatever works with your life.

    And also, when I’m tired, recovering from a cold…, alcohol has a tendency to slow down my recovery. That works too as an excuse.

    1. WillowSunstar*

      My reason is simply I am trying to be healthier overall, and it doesn’t fit into my eating pattern.

      There’s also it costs money, and with inflation right now, it’s better to spend the money on other things that matter more.

    3. londonedit*

      I do drink, and sometimes I drink quite a lot.

      I also run, and go to the gym, and mainly do those things in the morning. Yes, I can do them the morning after a few drinks, but frankly I find them difficult enough as it is so I tend to not drink or only have one or two the night before. So I’m often saying things like ‘Absolutely cannot have more than one glass of wine tonight, I’m running in the morning!’ or ‘Got to be at the gym for 6am so I’m sticking to water!’ Luckily in my friendship group it’s totally fine and no one is weird about who is and isn’t drinking – probably because most of us are runners and we understand that while you’d still like to go out, you don’t want to drink a bottle of wine if you’re doing a long run the following day. So exercise is definitely a good excuse (not that anyone should be policing what anyone else is drinking anyway!)

      1. A person*

        Yeah, interval sessions are already a pain, no need to make them harder than they already are which bad sleep and alcohol-induced dehydration, right ?

    4. Ceanothus*

      These are my (absolutely true) internal, unverifiable reasons for not drinking. People often stop talking after I share them because they don’t want to have the “Now that I’m over 30, I have the following maladies” talk. There is like a 3% chance of an intense discussion about GERD or adult acne or migraine triggers.

      “I’ve been getting acne breakouts after drinking so I’m avoiding it when I can.”
      “It gives me SUCH heartburn and until I figure out some other triggers, I’m taking a break.”
      “If I have a drink after being on my feet all day, I’ll have a terrible headache tomorrow.”

      1. Bast*

        Absolutely. I’ve noticed that my tolerance has gone down after 30 as well, and I tend to end up with an upset stomach the next day if I have a mixed drink or more than one beer/hard cider/hard seltzer. Sometimes, I abstain altogether because I’m cheap and would rather get a $12 dessert than a $12 drink… But no one has ever pressed into “stomach trouble.” No one wants any details on that and the topic quickly moves on to something else.

    5. Freya*

      Years ago I actually ran experiments on myself, and found that my cardplay and other judgement-related choices at bridge was significantly better if it had been 30+ hours since my last alcoholic drink. And the scores backed me up, so it’s not just my imagination.

  41. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

    I’m in the UK where there’s a very strong drinking culture and this kind of pressure/rumours is sadly rather common.

    Why I don’t drink alcohol has a lot of medical reasons that I don’t want to share with people who I’m not very close to. The ONLY thing that has stopped the ‘but you must be pregnant!’ thing is hitting menopause and having a hysterectomy!

    There’s no real solution for being in a room full of pushy pissheads except the ‘leave it out mate’ response or (as I do) never going to the pub. I’m sorry.

  42. Plath*

    I’m curious how they’re going to respond when OP does decide to announce and how these suggestions for what to say to them will impact it. Based on the information given, I think it’s highly likely they’ll say something like ” See I KNEW you weren’t drinking because you were pregnant!” and it will reinforce their behavior. Not that it’s OP’s responsibility to disclose because their coworkers are being rude, but just something for them to be prepared for when they do decide to share the news.

    1. Dahlia*

      Honestly if I was OP I wouldn’t announce a single moment before I had to. Do I look like I’m smuggling a basketball under my shirt? Maybe. That’s my problem.

      But I’m petty.

  43. tinybutfierce*

    “and I wonder if you not drinking made them feel defensive about how much they were all drinking”

    I’ve abstained from alcohol for 8+ years now, due to past issues abusing it, and the few times I’ve had anyone get weird about my not drinking, it has aaaaalways seemed like it comes from them feeling defensive about their own relationship with booze. It’s so weird how some people seem to think you’re making a personal choice for yourself AT them somehow.

  44. PDB*

    I don’t drink. I just don’t like the feeling. You would think I’m insulting everybody who does drink from the reactions I get.

  45. Megan C.*

    Situations like this are one of the reasons I HATE drinking culture. I’m so sorry you had to deal with such a ridiculous situation and that now when you do announce you’re pregnant they’re all going to feel vindicated about their boorish behavior. Ugh.

  46. RedinSC*

    There was one woman in my group of friends who was so proud of the “fact” that she could “sense” when someone was pregnant. So, if anyone turned down a glass of wine at book club she’d announce that she sensed they were pregnant. OMG, just no.

    Just like you should not go up and rub a pregnant woman’s belly, don’t announce someone’s medical news to a group. Especially as in this case it could have professional ramifications.

    What, if some woman doesn’t want to kiss the Elvis impersonator at the event, is she gay and are you going to gossip about the lesbian?

    Stop! It’s not your business, just stop.

  47. MillennialHR*

    I don’t drink at work events (I did once at my first job right out of college…I learned my lesson!!!) and I am of child-bearing age (just had my first 4 months ago!). I would be livid with these women and immediately call them out. You never know if someone wants to be pregnant, or they’re trying and can’t get pregnant, but they’re not drinking because they *could* be! You also don’t know if anyone has a medical condition that is aggravated by drinking! There’s so many reasons and these people are horrible.

  48. verrucktsax*

    Being a woman of child-bearing age in an industry with a work hard, play hard attitude is it’s own special fun. Last year, when my doctor and I were adjusting some of my medications, I was asked not to drink for a few months while we found the correct dose. I’m already not a big drinker, but the minute I started ordering soda, speculation IMMEDIATELY began that I was pregnant, and no amount of explanations would get co-workers to drop this idea.

  49. Ess Ess*

    I recently had to stop drinking for a while. I was on a medication that absolutely didn’t allow drinking. Personally, I would announce to each of the people in the office that this constant harassment about pregnancy simply because I chose not to overindulge 2 days in a row has crossed the line into official ‘hostile work environment’ due to the harassment over assumed pregnancy and needs to stop RIGHT NOW. I would also add to them that since this is a law office, they should know better than to engage in this behavior.

  50. Web of Pies*

    It’s fun when you’re on a medication you can’t drink on, people so desperately want to know what the medication is for. Just trying to not totally fry my liver here, people!

  51. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

    UGH the collision of drink culture and pregnancy speculation culture.

    Part of the issue is that pregnancy speculation is its own culture. I have a notoriously weak stomach. I deal with nausea frequently – often enough that I have been scoped multiple times.
    Until I turned 50 the number of times I got “ooooh, you look greenish, are you PREGNANT”. “Did you just throw up? You must be pregnant!!!!”

    Combine that with not wanting to drink at work functions because I just spent most of the week trying not to vomit. It was non-stop – I remember one week getting asked the PG question more than a dozen times. I was actually grateful the years I was heavy because nothing shut it down faster than “Nope, just fat, thanks for pointing that out.”

  52. TQB*

    Ugh, I read this with such despair. 14 years ago, I was in the same position – overly nosy coworkers. I ultimately miscarried that baby, making it all worse. Later in life, I worked in a NORMAL office, got pregnant, and so help me, if anyone actually suspected, they all had the good grace to act shocked when i finally shared the news (after 17 weeks because i was so traumatized after the first time). So, OP, your people are definitely WAY out of line, and I agree that you should call them out. I’m figuring that they are average associate age, which means their experience in professional offices may be limited. Make them feel like shit such that the next time this happens, they are more thoughtful.

  54. LR*

    Recovering alcoholic here. 100% of people who make your not drinking A Thing are reacting to/projecting their feelings about their own drinking. That is no one else’s problem or responsibility. “I don’t feel like it” is always an acceptable reason for abstaining and anyone reacting weirdly is telling on themselves.

    Everyone : please don’t feel the need to explain yourself (even in a less charged situation than this one)! Truly, folks with a normal relationship to alcohol won’t care if you drink or not. The surprising thing is how many people have an abnormal relationship with it, and how much that’s normalized culturally.

  55. Salty Pumpkin*

    Uggggh while I’m I’m not dealing with this in my workplace thankfully, I do with family and it’s so annoying. I always feel like I need to have a drink in my hand to signal I’m not pregnant. Mom thought I was announcing I’m pregnant because I wanted to FaceTime, like I can’t just feel like chatting to my family? Not everything is a hint I’m pregnant. You have my sympathies OP, Godspeed. I’d love an update on this one.

  56. Coverage Associate*

    I know I would never think of it in the moment, but this would have been a good time for, “I am going to step away before you embarrass yourself further.”

    When you do announce your pregnancy (or disclose; doesn’t have to be a bigger announcement than any other medical leave), remember that your due date is also personal health information. And just in general, just because you disclose part of a health condition doesn’t mean you have to disclose every detail. You can tell people when your leave will be, or about when your leave will be, without being so precise that your coworkers would have clear and convincing evidence, so to speak, that you were pregnant at the time of this conference.

    (I worked for a long time in obstetrics before law school. I feel there’s not much about pregnancy that would meet a clear and convincing standard.)

    1. Salty Pumpkin*

      That’s a great point. I can imagine OP’s coworkers coming back with a “see, we were right, we knew it!” ugh.

    2. BostonANONian*

      I’m the LW. I appreciate this! I wish I’d had the wherewithal in the moment to say something that clever. It feels so silly, but I really was just so shocked in the moment, I didn’t quite know what to say. I obviously had an excuse ready in case anyone asked why I wasn’t drinking, but I was NOT prepared for anyone to push the issue! I just did not expect this from any of my colleagues.

      Unfortunately, it is going to be pretty obvious I was pregnant at this conference – I was planning to announce in a few weeks anyway, and was really just waiting on test results to share the news with family and then work. My due date is going to be relevant simply because of scheduling needs. The petty part of me is just thinking about taking more leave than I was necessarily planning – the associates will get stuck with my caseload. I am lucky enough to live in a state (as you can guess from my name!) with paid family AND medical leave that can be used back-to-back. And for anyone contemplating whether this whole situation rises to the level of harassment… Pregnancy status is a protected class in MA, so probably.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        You did tell them off the next morning! I wouldn’t call that nothing. Generally it’s a good idea to not argue with drunk people, but to just let them get distracted by whatever, and I don’t think you expected them to persevere as long as they did.

      2. Bird names*

        It’s frustrating, because yes, they were right in their assumption. But any awkwardness caused at the conference is 100% down to their inappropriate behavior and any future nonsense also will be wholly their responsibility.

        I don’t know if it somehow feels as “letting them win”. You clearly did the best you could at the time and if all you can muster going forward is a bored expression and a single raised eyebrow, so be it.
        Wishing you all the best with your pregnancy!

      3. Happy-non-drinker*

        I had an interview for a small law firm. It was a family law practice. The man who “interviewed me” early on made some comment about whether I would join and then leave due to pregnancy. I was shocked, although I’d been practicing for at least a decade by then. So, I sympathize with your shock. I’m sure I didn’t have any good comeback. I certainly wasn’t planning to have any kids then.

      4. Coverage Associate*

        I’m a 15 year litigator. I should be able to think on my feet, but you can anticipate the questions at oral argument. You can’t anticipate people being this rude.

        For her own pregnancies, the obstetrician I worked for used to tell people a due date 2 weeks after the real one so she wouldn’t get “haven’t you had that baby yet” comments, and all her deliveries were before even the real due date, so I guess people either assumed the babies were very early or didn’t do all the math. Most people can’t remember or care about coworkers’ medical details, especially in law compared to healthcare.

        So don’t beat yourself up, and start anticipating questions and planning responses. Maybe think of it as being cross examined. You might be obliged to answer, but you want to give as little information as possible. And your answers can be non responsive. For example, if someone asks when you’re due, you can reply with your planned last day. Because you’re not really being cross examined. It will just feel like it.

    3. Ellis Bell*

      I think that actually a lot of this clusterfuck stems from the fact that they were all pretty drunk, unless they’re usually this tactless. I really like the angle of just lowering the boom and telling them they’re being out of order if they’re being rudely persistent: “Even in jest, that’s not really funny”, “No, I’m not pregnant, and surprisingly I don’t appreciate that kind of rumour spreading”, “I’m sure you’re not trying to tell me what I can and can’t drink are you?” “Look, I think you’re probably just trying to be funny, or strike up rapport, but that’s a super personal and inappropriate comment that you just invented out of thin air”, “I don’t know when people decided it was okay to say things like that” “I really dislike being talked at and not listened to”

  57. Jake Purralta*

    I don’t drink alcohol and never have because I don’t like any of it. Before I was disabled I was the first on the dance floor so people tended to not notice. People still question me but as I’m disabled now I think a lot assume it’s due to medication.
    My own parents tried to make me drink at my 18th birthday party, I just passed the alcohol to friends.
    It’s weird how big the drinking culture is in the UK.

    1. Bossy*

      Yeah this so f*cked up. LW was mean girled. I can’t believe the women were so invested that she had to have them get a bottle of alcohol and let them watch her drink it?! This is all so bizarre. To me, anyway.

  59. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

    OP – I think your office has three cultural problems.
    1) the typical law firm grind-the-associates-into-the-ground problem
    2) gossip by your peers
    3) drinking by your peers

  60. The Kulprit*

    Sorry you had to go through this OP, they were relentless!

    I hope that for your announcement they give you the gift of shutting the hell up.

  61. Sam I Am*

    We can use the same thought experiment here as so many other places: if the sex of the person was reversed, would you do it? No? Not speculating that any dude in your life is pregnant? Don’t speculate if any of the women are either.
    It’s invasive AT BEST.

    1. Annie*

      Welp, there are some people who would speculate like that at a man, as some commenters above noted. Usually not pregnancy, but anything from addiction recovery to new diet to cancer. People, regardless of gender, can be REALLY judgy about others who don’t participate in a common cultural thing like “everyone else” does.

  62. --*

    This really sums up why I don’t socialize with colleagues. I don’t even go to work happy hours. I’ve had no issues climbing the corporate ladder, though I realize for some people not socializing could have negative consequences. The line between work and personal life is so thin already, I’m not interested in allowing it to get any wavier. If someone asked if I was pregnant, I would have a difficult time working with them moving forward.

  63. Sled dog mama*

    I think this entire letter illustrates my new maxim in life “people are really Weird!”

  64. stemmy*

    my partner is a recovering alcoholic. if I heard about their coworkers giving them this kind of pressure I would be livid. this kind of stuff can be incredibly triggering in what is already an incredibly difficult cultural minefield. That’s disgusting.

    the pregnancy aspect makes it 100x worse. shame on your coworkers.

  65. The Rise and Fall of Sanctuary Moon*

    People need to sit all the way down with making judgments about other people’s personal choices and commenting on other people’s bodies! OP, I would flatly deny the pregnancy for the next nine months while making aggressive eye contact.

  66. merida*

    How ridiculous! I have no useful tips to add, just solidarity, because something similar happened to me too! I didn’t drink at a work happy hour (though I was not pregnant). My team all exchanged glances with each other and multiple times I was asked why I ordered a Shirley temple – but the answer (that I don’t like alcohol so I don’t drink) was too boring to believe I guess so unbeknownst to me they gossiped that I was pregnant. Months later, my coworker admitted to me out of the blue that they’d all thought I was pregnant but when I apparently didn’t look pregnant as time went on they were shocked that they were wrong. I was mortified to realize that they’d been staring at my stomach ever since the happy hour and just… waiting and speculating behind my back? Ugh. It really made me second guess the great working relationship I thought I had with them.

    That was in 2016 and I haven’t had such a weird reaction to my not drinking since. Though I have been dragged along to a mandatory, after-hours, unpaid, 4 hour long team holiday party at a brewery that had nothing non-alocholic (but I was required to order something so I “ordered” a can of Coke from the vending machine because that was legitimately all they had that I could drink). I’d told my team I don’t drink and would prefer a different party venue than a brewery since the smell of beer makes me nauseous, but I was brushed off. My colleagues all got pretty tipsy (thankfully we had public transit so I didn’t have to DD). Still, I wasn’t happy about spending my own time in that way…

    tldr: drinking culture is weird as heck

  67. Pyanfar*

    I’m female and at an age where everyone assumes I can’t get pregnant any more (over 50), and not once in my whole professional life did anyone every ask me if I was pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or wanting to be pregnant.

    I have always worked in male-dominated fields, in a professional (rather than support role), with few, if any, female co-workers. Now, I’m starting to wonder what it is about me that I never got the questions. Was it male co-workers (who also did not notice if I chopped 6 inches off my hair or changed its color)? My sympathy and apologies to all the people out there who have gone through this!

    1. Angstrom*

      This is one area where men seem more reasonable. Too many women seem to think that their gender gives them the right to be obnoxiously intrusive about other women’s reproductive choices.

  68. Girasol*

    I don’t drink because a tendency toward alcoholism runs in my family and all the aunts who were alcoholics died of breast cancer. Also mom was abusive when she was drunk and brother suicidal. So there are more reasons to add to the list of possibilities for folks not drinking. But why should anyone need a reason not to drink? Why is sticking a toxin into your body and having it disturb your thinking considered normal behavior (let alone necessary for workplace bonding!) and not joining in is considered weird?

  69. Jean (just Jean)*

    Ugh! OP, your coworkers have advanced degrees in Bad Manners. I hope you never again encounter this kind of toxic behavior. Best wishes for peace of mind for you and your family, including the small one not yet completely here.

    Feel free to borrow my own reason for not drinking. Alcohol in any form gives me intense stomach pain. Abstaining takes not even one particle of willpower. There’s no way I’m going to suffer that anguish for any reason, whether to feel more comfortable at a social event or to satisfy a bunch of aspiring drunks who can’t mind their own business.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Oops…I should have added that you don’t need to explain why you’re not drinking! “No, thank you” and “No thanks, I’m not interested” are complete sentences.

  70. Also I don’t like the taste of beer so no thanks*

    I never felt peer-pressure-to-drink like I did at my last job (my first office job). You’re warned about it as a teen but it seems like it’s at its worst during adulthood. People just can’t seem to understand why you aren’t obsessed with alcohol like they are and it’s obnoxious AF. As the child of alcoholics, I vote for all of us to do better and just chill TF out about alcohol as a whole.

    1. Mango Freak*

      And there’s nothing more obnoxiously childish tbh.

      I drink. I would be *mortified* to learn my drinking made someone else feel pressured to do the same.

  71. Friday Hopeful*

    You didn’t get angry enough at these crazy drunk people. Imagine peer pressuring you into drinking! The moment you hear one more peep about this around the office is the moment you should either have a loud fit about it or head straight to HR.

  72. tabloidtained*

    People get so weirdly and aggressively defensive about their drinking. A celebrity recently announced a non-alcoholic beer brand and, judging by people’s reactions, you’d think he’d revealed something Kristi Noem-esque about himself.

  73. MotherofaPickle*

    Attorneys…ugh. And I say that with all of the positive and negative because a lot of my family and friends are attorneys. I’m married to one!

    They can be very work hard/play hard. Set your boundaries NOW. Not when you’re ready to announce your pregnancy, not tomorrow, NOW. If they give you too much cow manure, find a new firm.

    Is it a mostly young firm? Because I have found that most people nowadays cannot handle their alcohol at all and therefore decide to not drink. The excuse of “more than one drink and I’ll have a hangover for two days” is quite common in my circle. Then again, we’re also very respectful of “water just tastes especially good tonight”.

  74. Mango Freak*

    I know everyone here agrees but I just need to say:

    I hate so so much that a business is suddenly allowed to discriminate against pregnant people if they only have *14* employees.

    Somehow it’s even more infuriating when it’s a law firm. And with no HR! “Hmm, should we hire some HR?” “Nah that’d bump us to 15.”

  75. GreenDoor*

    Given what happened, just prepare yourself for if/when you do announce your pregnancy. I suspect you’ll get more than one coworker declaring “SeE!! We KnEw YoU wErE pReGnAnT!!”

    This is particularly appalling that it’s not only lawyers doing this, but women doing it to another woman. So gross!

    1. allathian*

      I’ve never had any men wondering if I might be pregnant but plenty of women (casual friends and extended family members, not besties or coworkers). The best thing about being over 50 and looking my age is that those speculations have stopped completely. I drink socially but rarely more than about 3 drinks during an evening, and I’m pretty much always one of the first to leave. I don’t enjoy the company of drunk people when I’m stone cold sober, so I usually leave even earlier when I’m not drinking.

  76. Jessica*

    I don’t drink. I just don’t like alcohol. It tastes bad, it makes my face burn, and I just don’t like it. When I’ve been in a situation when other people are drinking and they ask what I want, I order what I actually want. A soda, a glass of tea, or water. On the rare occasion I was questioned as to why I wasn’t drinking alcohol I just said I don’t drink. And no one ever followed up about that with additional questions surprisingly.
    I have family members who are recovering alcoholics who have struggled in social situations on how to explain why they’re not drinking. It did not seem to occur to them to just say I don’t want to and move on. They felt like they needed to provide an explanation. My thing is, no one is entitled to an explanation for my personal choices.
    And as someone who struggled with fertility as well, being asked if you are pregnant when you’re not is excruciating. A comedian i heard once made a joke about you should never ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you actually see a baby coming out of her body at that moment. It was a joke but I think it’s actually quite true.

  77. Literally a Cat*

    Are these people like this about everything else? Because this kind of behaviour would be considered as uncool even among 2024 high schoolers now.

  78. pcake*

    I’ve never liked the taste of alcohol or the way it makes me feel. For years, I’d order something that had and tasted the least like alcohol – like a tiny bit of Malibu with lots of milk and chocolate or a tiny bit of Midori with mostly 7-up or grapefruit juice. Then I started wondering why I was doing that. So I stopped.

    And people really do talk if you don’t drink. Men, too – not just women. People came up with theories ranging from none of their business like was I in AA to WTF, like I once caused a huge accident from driving drunk. None of that was true. It’s the weirdest thing. I’d tell them “I just hate the taste of alcohol”, which was true, but some felt I must be covering something up.

    I had similar experiences when people would discover I’m a vegetarian. People are very strange…

  79. Happy-non-drinker*

    Unfortunately, your experience may be both a function of a drinking culture and a function of some of your colleagues being alcoholics. Within the U.S. law is one of the most stressful professions, and there tends to be a high rate of alcoholism among lawyers.

    At one workplace, I learned that two of my lawyer colleagues where alcoholics, having work-week evening drinking get togethers, to the point of blackouts. One morning job responsibility which was to be shared among the three of us they pushed back on, successfully. Only years later did I learn (via one of them) why they objected so much; they could not be counted on to be at work and functioning by 8:30 am.

  80. AnonForThisOne*

    I am going with anonymous for this one as its a tiny bit too identifying (especially if the person I mention reads this column). I was at a conference a week ago and sitting next to someone who was invited to a happy hour with a coworker while I was sitting there.

    I work in the addiction space and this often results in people sharing with me that they are in recovery, which this person had done just this a bit earlier in the day.

    The person replied “No thanks, I don’t drink with coworkers” and the person dropped it. I immediately asked if this works as I usually get migraines when I drink. I’m not sober, but I drink rarely and it needs to be a good reason to justify risking the very likely migraine (champagne at a wedding, I really want to try a fancy cocktail, those kinds of things) and frankly cocktails with coworkers is rarely that “good reason”.

    I asked the person if this reply always works that well. They replied that it does and they use it all the time and it generally causes the person to drop it.

    I haven’t had the chance to try it personally yet… but I’m going to. If anyone else gives this a shot, report back!

  81. tamarack etc...*

    Goodness. Tell me your workplace has a diversity issue without telling me your workplace has a diversity issue.

    (In addition to all that Alison already said.)

  82. EA*

    All the people responding “I don’t drink”….. that’s genuinely great, but it’s MUCH harder from people who DO drink frequently and all of a sudden stop to hide a reason like pregnancy – which seems like the OP’s case. I admit to sometimes (silently!!) thinking that women in their 20s – 30s who abruptly stop drinking at social functions or say they are on antibiotics are pregnant (I used that line myself…). I certainly wouldn’t say anything, ever! And these coworkers are way way out of line. But honestly, it’s not that weird of a train of thought because it’s often true (case in point – the OP!). The key is being polite enough to shut up about it. Probably the most convincing white lie that doesn’t scream “I’m pregnant” is getting really into fitness but YMMV…

    1. rebelwithmouseyhair*

      Yeah I recently stopped drinking and have been labelled “boring” as a result, and I distinctly get the impression I won’t be invited to pre-dinner drinks any more.

    2. Mid*

      Sometimes a white lie is a good option for that. “Oh my partner stopped drinking so I’m abstaining in solidarity.” Or (as much as I hate diet talk) “oh, I’m trying to lose a few pounds before the holidays” or “I’m training for a marathon and my diet plan is really strict.”

      If you’re a good actor, you can always make up a silly dramatic story, like your dog was recently kidnapped by a drunken elf and now the smell of alcohol makes you sad and yearn for vengeance.

  83. Rez123*

    The thing is. If someone who usually drinks doesn’t. If they’re at a moment in their life that pregnancy is possibility then I might think to my self “hmm…wonder if she’s pregnant”. The key here is that I do it silently to myself. No need to gossip or go to the source. I’ll figure it out in about 6 months.

    1. rebelwithmouseyhair*

      … or not if ever they miscarry. If they haven’t told you, you’re not close enough to deserve to know. None of your business since it doesn’t impact you in the slightest.

      1. Rez123*

        Okay…? I’m talking about having a private thought. If someone who normally drinks and now doesn’t, I can’t help but think to myself if they might be pregnant. In 6 to 9 months I’ll figure out if they had a baby or not. They might have miscarries, aborted, gotten it stolen from their uterus or anything else. I’m well aware it is none of my bsuiness.
        I’m talking about having the natural thought process that one might have in the situation. That can’t be helped. What you can do is to keep the thoughts to yourself.

  84. Bananapants Modiste*

    PSA:
    Also, if ANYBODY – even a coworker – tries to force a drink on you, refuse it!!
    In the crowd I used to run with, people thought it was funny to drop LSD in your drink (regardless if you were male or female).
    I’ve also been hit with a date rape drug once.

    Be very careful.

  85. Dog momma*

    I’ll read the rest after my comment. Your co workers are extremely out of line. I don’t care if they’re drunk. They need to STOP NOW. Actually you should tell your boss, that people are saying this about you..don’t mention you’re pregnant, that this is terrible gossip, harassment, nasty, that they won’t stop.etc, etc. Then march right over to HR and file a formal complaint. Mention a consult with a labor attorney bc isn’t this some sort of discrimination? Its at least harassment that’s upsetting you very much. And you shouldn’t have to put up with that..Bc they won’t let up when you decide to announce or begin to show. it will be just as bad or worse. its none of their business really

  86. Dog momma*

    I was also afraid someone would spike her drink if she went to the bathroom… bc they were trying to ” prove something “. and they are a share enough to try it. I’d avoid any happy hours with these people.
    Love Allison’s response.

  87. Jack McCullough*

    “Well, look at that. That half glass of champagne went to my head, I let my husband have his way with me, and now I’m knocked up!”

  89. rebelwithmouseyhair*

    It actually sounds like they want you to be pregnant, so that you will no longer be a threat to them. Beware OP. Distancing yourself sounds like a great idea.
    I’d say you’re better off looking for another job if at all possible.

  90. Budgieman*

    Oooooh… I went out recently with work colleagues and also didn’t drink. Maybe I’m pregnant too!
    Reasonably unlikely as I’m a 57 year old guy… but (almost) anything is possible these days.
    Seriously… these people are messed up. Why is it anyone’s business why you do or don’t choose to drink?

  91. Michelle Smith*

    The drinking culture in our profession is the reason us lawyers have such a high rate of alcoholism. I’m upset on your behalf.

    Congratulations on the pregnancy though. I hope that both you and the baby are and remain healthy.

  92. Christine*

    I loathe the taste of alcohol. Wine and beer are absolutely not on my menu. (I don’t drink coffee, either.)
    A limited selection of sweet cocktails are acceptable to me with a maximum of two at one sitting. I average about one drink every month or two.
    I’ve never been pregnant. People really do need to mind their own business.

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