new employee isn’t cut out for the job, former boss blasts his music, and more

by Alison Green on October 16, 2024

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Telling a new employee he’s not cut out for the job

I began managing a new team last month. The team is very green — over half graduated less than two years ago. In the last two years, this department only had a manager for nine months, and by all accounts she was completely unqualified. I was brought in as an experienced manager to provide technical oversight / development.

My field is one where you get a pretty generalized degree, and then choose a specialty that you receive on-the-job training for. It’s pretty easy to change specialties for early career folks.

One of my new direct reports, Tom, has … zero to negative natural talent for his chosen specialty. I know it’s pretty harsh to say that about someone I just began working with, especially one who has not received adequate training. But I have worked with a lot of early career people in this specialty, and he stands out as one of the worst of all time. Past interns have grasped core concepts and tools more quickly.

I’m not saying he’s not smart! He is! I can see ways he would be a great fit for other specialties, including available jobs within our company. But the more I talk through tasks with him, the more I realize that his brain is just not wired to understand this particular job. It’s like trying to explain to him that an apple and a snake are nothing alike … over and over again, with diagrams, while he grows increasingly agitated that I don’t understand they’re both smooth-skinned and therefore interchangeable. (He definitely has a touch of “defensive know-it-all-ism.”)

On the one hand, I just want to spare him. I can tell he’s really frustrated and burned out, working 10 times harder than he should have to on basic tasks. His teammates are thin on patience and try every trick to avoid being paired up with him. His peers in other departments don’t trust his advice and constantly find ways to circumvent him. I think it’s a disservice to lay out a training plan and have both of us invest significant effort into improvements that are unlikely to ever materialize, when the gap is so fundamental. On the other hand, I have no idea how to look an exhausted and low-confidence young man in the eyes and say, “You’re not going to make it here, why don’t I help you find a different job you’re a better fit for?” Especially since I suspect he will be so reluctant to “fail” that he will just double down on learning this job, now dragged down by the knowledge his manager doesn’t believe in him. What would you do?

Whether or not you can do this depends on whether your company’s internal policies will let you, but I’m a big fan of just having a really honest conversation along the lines of, “Here’s what I’m seeing. Your strengths are X but this job requires Y. In my experience, it’s very hard to move from where you are to where you need to be in the amount of time we have available, and I would recommend we instead think about other roles in the company that would be a better fit. If you don’t want to do that, the next step would be a formal improvement plan, which would mean ___. If you choose that path, I’ll try my best to help you succeed, but I want to be up-front about the concerns I have and the path I think would play more to your strengths in the long run.”

Related:
alternatives to firing

2. Off-site activity excluded me even though my boss knew about my disability

I am just home from a week of travel for work abroad, meeting both my own team and agency partners I work with.

The final evening of our trip was a secret planned event. As a disabled person (I have MS and have functional limitations in my leg muscles and use a cane), “secret” is not my favorite!

Ahead of traveling, I had a 1×1 over the phone with my boss (we live in different countries, but have met several times) to remind him that I’m not able to do a lot of physically activity, have difficulty with stairs, etc. so will need to, for example, take direct taxis instead of trams. He said of course and all was positive.

The final evening arrived, we were given a location to meet at, and when I turned up, it was a boat. With 10-12 steps to get to the dock, and then a ladder to get down into the boat. And while I may have awkwardly made it in, there was zero chance of me getting out of that boat with any dignity.

So I excused myself. And it was mortifying. The boss tried to convince me to go, got the organizer to try and find another boat, asked the driver if he could help (he offered to help lift me, which was so much worse). This went on for 15 minutes while my entire 25-person team looked on with pity, and I was overwhelmed with embarrassment. I put all my effort in to convincing them all I was fine on my own and they should go just so I could retreat to the hotel in utter shame. I missed out on the culmination of our week-long session, during which they announced we had won an award and had a champagne celebration. The next day my boss hugged me goodbye, looked at me with pity, and said sorry. And that was it.

What do I do? I will travel again. I missed out. I fear this experience has hurt me professionally. I shouldn’t have been put in that situation to begin with. I really am lost on how to manage. Any suggestions?

Oh no, I’m sorry, that never should have happened. And when it did happen, your boss and the organizer should have handled it differently, and then your boss should have followed up with you to let you know what will be done differently next time.

Absent any of that … do you have HR you can talk to? There’s no way to undo what already happened, but you might be able to ensure future events are more thoughtfully and inclusively organized.

I do emphasize to say that you aren’t the person who should be embarrassed; your boss and the event organizer should be, and your team should be irate with them, not pitying you. There’s nothing here that warrants shame on your side; you had medical needs that you disclosed ahead of time, and they should have been met. The embarrassment is on your boss and the organizer, not you.

3. Former supervisor blasts music from his cubicle

My former supervisor recently moved to a new position, and with that came a move from an enclosed office to working on the floor in a cubicle. Typically the office has been pretty quiet, as most of us are working on data requiring concentration. Unfortunately, my former supervisor apparently enjoys working with background music and blasts a collection of country and classic rock throughout the day from his cubicle! It’s highly distracting, and my noise canceling headphones are no match.

He is no longer under the “jurisdiction” of anyone working in the office, and our staff-supervisor relationship was challenging at best. I feel unable to say anything, nor do I want to, but am finding myself unable to concentrate and feeling angry as a result. I just can’t understand how anyone can think forcing the entire office to listen to their music all day is reasonable, and it’s seriously impacting an already shaky relationship.

Is this something I could reach out to a manager about, or am I being petty?

You’re not being petty. It’s generally considered rude to blast one’s own music around coworkers, unless everyone agrees on (a) having music in the first place and (b) general selection parameters. The fact that he’s doing this in a quiet space where people are trying to concentrate makes it worse.

Ideally you’d start by saying something to him yourself — for example, “Could you turn that down? It’s making it tough to focus.” Or, “Could you please use headphones? I’m having trouble focusing.” If you don’t want to do that because the dynamics around him being your former supervisor, any chance one of your other coworkers would be willing to?

But it’s also reasonable to ask a manager to handle it for you, and it’s okay to say, “I feel awkward about asking him myself since he was previously my manager.” They might suggest you say something yourself first, but they also might just handle it for you.

Related:
my coworker tries to drown out my music with her own

4. I’ve heard horrible things about the manager my company is considering hiring

My department has been without a manager for nearly a year. Applicants are scarce, because of massive time expectations and a frankly lowball salary. But my grandboss has finally interviewed someone they think is qualified, and I’m going to be in on a staff interview this week.

At this candidate’s last job, she happened to manage a few people I know from outside work. I reached out to these friends to ask what they know about her. Everything I’ve heard back has been shockingly negative.

It’s not just that her performance was bad and she micromanaged everyone to death. They’re also telling me stories of outright discrimination. Multiple staff members there went to HR with complaints of abusive language and racial slurs. The accusations were substantiated but she apparently resigned before being punished.

Obviously I don’t want to work for this person. But how can I report the problem to the hiring team in a believable, professional way? I don’t want them to ignore these issues. I worry they might hire her anyway out of desperation, because they have so few other prospects.

As a last resort, I suppose could confront the candidate about that situation in the staff interview. But because this person might end up being my manager, the power dynamic there makes me hesitant. I would need to stay on under her leadership for weeks or months while looking for a new job.

Relay what you heard to the hiring committee! That’s incredibly relevant information, and I’d be horrified if someone knew those things about a candidate I was considering hiring and didn’t tell me. Of course, be clear that you haven’t worked with the person directly and are hearing these things secondhand, but also be clear that you’ve heard it from multiple people whose judgement you trust (assuming you do). The framing you want is a matter-of-fact, “Jane Warbleworth has worked with several people I know and trust, and they’ve shared XYZ with me, which I thought I needed to pass on to you.”

Stress the discrimination and abuse more than the micromanaging; micromanaging can be in the eye of the beholder (and can sometimes be warranted in the short-term if an employee is struggling), but it’ll be hard for anyone to think “well, maybe the racial slurs and forced resignation weren’t so bad.”

5. Returning to my maiden name after a divorce

I recently got divorced and am now unsure what to do about my name. Personally, I’ve changed back to my maiden name. But I’m not sure how to handle it professionally. It was easier when I got married several years ago to explain it with, “I got married.” That’s a pretty positive one for people to respond to. But now? I’m happy to be divorced, but it’s a more complicated one for people to respond to. I’m hesitant to change my name at all because of it. What’s the way forward here? I work in construction and don’t have a lot of women to talk to about it.

“I’ve changed back to my maiden name, Mulberry, so am now Cressida Mulberry.” That’s it! Handle it exactly the way you would if you’d changed it for any other reason. Some people may ask if you got divorced, and you can just be breezily matter-of-fact if they do: “Yes, we split up earlier this year. I’m fine! Just going back to Mulberry.” You don’t need to get into it more than that.

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{ 431 comments }

{ 431 comments… read them below }

  1. anony*

    OP1, Johnson O’Connor Aptitude Testing might be of use to you in this situation, if your company is willing to pay for it with professional development funds. I’d suggest you do it for yourself to get a really good understanding of what it’s all about, as well as having Tom do it. If successful, it’ll give you both a much clearer understanding of WHY Tom is struggling in this position, as well as a map of what positions would be better for him and why — that will be helpful for him throughout his career. Speaking from experience… I was struggling in ways that didn’t make sense, and this test brought so much clarity and explained why I was in exactly the wrong job for me.

    1. Mentally Spicy*

      Excellent advice. Your comment made me look up Johnson O’Connor and I realised his son is Chadwell O’Connor, inventer of the tripod fluid head. (This is relevant to my chosen career in filmmaking.)

      A fluid head on a tripod allows for ultra smooth camera movements. Chadwell was an engineer and a keen amateur train enthusiast and enjoyed filming steam trains but was frustrated at not being able to capture footage with smooth movement. He designed and built his fluid head just for himself.

      One day he was filming locomotives when he encountered Walt Disney, also a keen train spotter. Disney was fascinated by the tripod and asked Chadwell to make one for an upcoming nature documentary. This led to Chadwell forming his own company to manufacture them and eventually winning an Academy Award for innovation

      I love stories like that!

      [I’m aware this comment is completely irrelevant so please report for deletion if anyone thinks this is ridiculously far off-topic.]

      2. Aeryn Sun*

        Thank you for sharing!! I don’t work in film but I was a film studies student in college and I get a kick out of all the little innovations that made early film possible. My personal favorite is Edison’s Black Maria studio, which was entirely on a turntable so that windows in the ceiling could catch the light and light the studio with sunlight.

    2. TooTiredToThink*

      OP#1 – no advice; just that I am in awe of your brain and communication skills for the line about the apple and the snake. Being able to understand why someone thinks the way they do is such a gift!

      1. Hanani*

        I agree, that example was incredible both in evocative image and in capturing and communicating a different way of thinking.

        Alison’s advice is great. OP1, if you’ve been trying to explain the context to Tom/trying to help him understand the why, I suspect that’s been confusing and frustrating for both of you. Getting more directive about it is a kindness. If you have a brief example about yourself or another higher-up in your org finding a job that played to their strengths, that could help to communicate that succeeding in one area and not another is common rather than a personal failing.

      3. Theon, Theon, it rhymes with neon*

        I had to manage someone out recently who had the opposite problem: we needed him to be able to apply his knowledge and experience to similar situations, and all he could see were the differences between things. If a situation was 99% the same as what he’d encountered before, he’d home in on the 1% and conclude, “I have no idea how this works, I will have to either ask someone to explain it to me, or else schedule time for an entire research project from scratch on how this works,” when we needed him to be able to think about it for 10 seconds, realize it most likely worked the same as what he did last week, maybe perform a quick verification, and make small adjustments as necessary.

        It’s like if he had been trained to make apple pie with Granny Smith apples, and one day the store only had Fuji apples. Instead of googling whether Fuji apples go well in apple pie, he’d be paralyzed until either someone taught him that he could make a pie with his apples, or until he had time to research what a Fuji apple was and all the different recipes in which it could be used (and fail on several first).

        The nature of our work (tech) is such that you rarely encounter the exact same problem twice; every problem is slightly different, and if you want to solve problems quickly, you need to be able to apply your previous experience.

        Even when we laid out the similarities for him, all he could say is, “But those were Granny Smith apples! These are Fuji apples. There is *nothing* to indicate to me that I could make a pie with Fuji apples. I’ve never encountered a Fuji apple before, so it’s not reasonable to expect me to do anything with them until I’ve had a lot of training and practice with them.”

        …He was not a good fit for many reasons, and this was only one.

        1. Brandon*

          I call this type of person, an “in the box” thinker.

          I am often in the need of someone who can see “outside the box.”

          I do my best to disengage sooner rather than later because attempt to rationalize with type of person is a no win situation.
          Also, criticism for not seeing the value of “in the box” thinking, is just a bonus.

          1. Theon, Theon, it rhymes with neon*

            Yeah, there are many jobs for which this person would be well-suited. I sincerely hope he’s found one of them.

            Because he’s not even wrong that there are apples that don’t go well in apple pie. Fujis might even be one of them! It’s that in this particular job, we needed him to *start* his search at “Can I put this in an apple pie?” and use what he found, and not start from, “I’m completely out of my depth and have no way to know where to start searching” and go to “Someone’s going to have to tell me,” or start from “What are all the things that can be done with Fujis?”, end up on a recipe page that mentions carrozzas, realize he has no idea what a carrozza is, and start researching that…and meanwhile the line of hungry customers who just want their pie is getting longer.

            Brains work differently, and it’s highly useful to understand both how your own brain works and how other brains work.

            1. Brandon*

              I just want to say you articulated this perspective so well, I plan on using your “Fuji vs Granny Smith apples in a pie” scenario the next time this comes up.

              1. Theon, Theon, it rhymes with neon*

                Pleased to be of service! I just took the “apples vs. snakes” analogy and ran with it in the opposite direction. :)

        2. TooTiredToThink*

          Definitely have kudos for your analogy too. I love the in-the-box thinkers because what they do well with; they do amazingly well with and sometimes they are instrumental for helping us find uncover assumptions that shouldn’t be made.

          1. Theon, Theon, it rhymes with neon*

            Yeah, I wish we’d had a position for this individual, but the only position we had was for a job that required a lot of out-of-the-box, creative, critical, independent thinking that could handle a lot of nuance. For him, everything was very black and white: two things were either identical, or else completely different. There was no “similar, so probably applicable, but you might need to make adjustments as you go” concept in his head.

            For example, he wanted to believe everything he was told or read. When informed that the technical documentation was just a wiki and might be out of date, and that he needed to exercise critical thinking when reading it, his conclusion was that he would just never read documentation ever. Thus causing him to miss important information that he needed to do his job. Etc.

            When you have a good fit, it’s great! When you don’t, it’s painful all around.

      5. Heffalump*

        I’d love to know what the exact situation was that gave rise to that.

        The LW is merely faced with having to tell Tom, “You’re not a fit for this job,” not, “You’d be hopeless at any job.” That should make it easier.

        The book When Smart People Fail has some good observations on capable people being a bad fit for a given job, which were helpful to me at one point.

    3. Person from the Resume*

      I don’t think it is necessary to “prove” what the LW understands about his employee’s aptitude. The LW has been in the field for sometime. He has articulated the problem. It’s a matter of when to deliver the message.

      1. Lizzo*

        That’s not the point. The employee is already defensive. A test like this can provide some “neutral third party” feedback which may be better received than OP sharing his (experienced but subjective) opinions.

        1. I should really pick a name*

          If an employee can’t receive feedback about their work, that’s an employee problem, not a reason to bring in a third party.

          A manager has to be able to directly talk to a report about their performance.

          1. Dasein9 (he/him)*

            The third party is a technique the manager uses to talk to the employee. Yes, this is an employee problem, specifically a young and less-experienced employee problem, and bringing in more data is a great way of addressing that problem.

            1. I should really pick a name*

              It seems like a poor use of resources when the problem can be solved with a conversation.

              It sounds like the LW has the data, they’re just uncomfortable with having a difficult conversation. But it’s the kind of conversation that is part and parcel with being a manager.

              1. Lizzo*

                Good managers need to make use of multiple tools and techniques in order to do their jobs effectively because employees may need different types of support.

                It would be easy for an employee who is frustrated, demoralized, and defensive to dismiss a manager’s opinion of their work with, “That’s just, like, your opinion, man.” A self-assessment can help deliver the message in a neutral way as a starting point for a more thorough conversation about next steps. It’s not absolving the manager of their responsibility, it’s opening a door so that they *can* manage effectively.

                1. I should really pick a name*

                  It would be easy for an employee who is frustrated, demoralized, and defensive to dismiss a manager’s opinion of their work with, “That’s just, like, your opinion, man.”

                  They’re welcome to respond that way, at which point the manager can take appropriate actions.
                  If an employee is told that their performance is deficient in some way, but there’s another job that’s better suited to them and they blow off that feedback, I think that’s an employee you’re better off without.

                  I’m not against alternate solutions, but this is such a basic management interaction that I don’t see the point of one, especially one that involves spending money and having the employee take a test.

                2. bamcheeks*

                  This is someone in a graduate training position. If it was a BAU employee failing in their role, then yes, it would probably be more cost-effective just to deliver the message and see how it lands. But when you’ve got a graduate development programme, that’s an investment in the talent pipeline and typically the level of support is going to be higher.

                  Only LW can know whether it’s a worthwhile investment in this specific case, but it’s not a unreasonable option to explore.

                3. DisgruntledPelican*

                  @I should really pick a name

                  Or, instead of waiting for them to get defensive, OP can use alternate resources to circumvent that response.

                  There is a difference in wanting a message to be delivered, and wanting a message to be heard. Your seem to only care about the former.

              2. Moira's Rose's Garden*

                There are a lot of roles where the people you’re managing are not only early career, but the job is one where the expectation is that there will be some degree of teaching/mentoring involved in managing. I’m prepping them for their next career steps, whether with our org or outside it.

                In these cases, it’s very much a good and kind use of my time as a manager, to try more than one strategy to meet my junior staff where they are and assist them in finding a path to where they want to go. Sometimes this involves helping them discover that the there in fact, isn’t necessarily One True Path, and they need to broaden their horizons & find paths that will be easier and/or more fun for them to travel.

          2. linger*

            It is an employee problem, but one that may have been partly caused or amplified by the management problem prior to OP1’s appointment, so OP1 does have reason to demonstrate that there is some objective basis for their (perceived sudden shift in) employee evaluation.
            The main reason for bringing in an external aptitude assessment, though, is to discover what role(s) this employee may be better suited to and guide them to choosing one of those instead. OP1 has less direct standing to get into that detail if only managing this specialist team.
            The great unknown at this point is, why this employee chose this especially unsuitable specialization in the first place, and why they have persisted in it despite not-too-subtle reactions of their peers. They’re apparently operating on pure self-belief, suggesting some spectacularly Dunning-Kruger misevaluation of their own skill-set, which is driving their current resistance to feedback. Changing their own self-evaluation would tackle the problem at its source, but it may require a perceived neutral outsider.

          3. RagingADHD*

            A successful manager also understands how to get the best work out of people, which is going to vary from person to person.

            The LW believes that this employee would be a valuable addition to the company in a different role and doesn’t want to crush his morale. That is an important perspective and goal for the company’s larger interests.

            “That’s an employee problem” is really shortsighted in this context. Employee problems are the manager’s problem, unless they have an infinite supply of identical, interchangeable widgets as employees (which most managers don’t).

            1. I should really pick a name*

              “That’s the employee’s problem” is in reference to the employee being defensive in response to feedback. Them being defensive is not a reason to avoid giving the feedback.

              Yes, you can tailor your feedback for different employees, but you still need to be able to deliver it.

              1. RagingADHD*

                Who’s avoiding giving the feedback? Where did that happen?

                The LW is trying to frame the feedback in the best way for a smart and otherwise capable employee who is demoralized and on the edge of burnout because of bad job fit, and hopefully retain them for another role within the company, rather than alienate them.

                If you think that’s a super-simple conversation that doesn’t merit thinking through and weighing options, I really question your managerial experience. Asking for input on *how* to have a tricky conversation has nothing to do with *whether* the conversation needs to happen.

                1. I should really pick a name*

                  My comments are directed to the start of this thread which is a proposal to have the employee take an aptitude test (that there is a charge for) as opposed to the LW having a conversation with them about how they’ve been having problems in their current role, but they think they’d do better in a different one.

                  It seems like a lot of unneeded work to filter feedback through a third party when it’s reasonable for the LW to provide it themselves.

      2. bamcheeks*

        LW says, “I have no idea how to look an exhausted and low-confidence young man in the eyes and say, “You’re not going to make it here, why don’t I help you find a different job you’re a better fit for?”” This is a great suggestion for exactly that problem.

        I don’t think it’s about proving the deficit ao much as giving him useful, actionable and reasonably objective information about what he *does* have an apititude for. If this is a graduate engineering or accountancy course or something similar, then LW’s company has already invested a lot of money in this hire and his training to this point. The smoother they can make the transition to a new area, the better the return for the company, and using a tool that gives him insight into *why* he’s struggling is very likely to help repair his confidence and enthusiasm.

    4. Bob the Sourdough Starter*

      I also highly recommend Johnson O’Connor Foundation testing. It’s mind-blowingly granular and is able to explain why you’ll excel at this task but fail at this seemingly similar task.

      1. Guacamole Bob*

        My grandfather loved Johnson O’Connor and paid for his grandchildren to do it. It was useful in various ways, but the tidbit that stuck with me is that I’m very good at some types of analytical thinking and mathematical problem-solving, but only average at fluency with quick arithmetic. I was a math major and have a data-oriented career, and in groups at restaurants I often get handed the bill to split checks and calculate tips. I never feel like I’m as good at that as people expect me to be, so it was very interesting and validating to realize that there are different sets of skills involved!

        The testing is quite involved and expensive so I don’t know if it’s the right fit here, but I learned a lot from it.

        1. Emmy Noether*

          I think this is actually quite common. Arithmetic and logic are only linked in that one can devise some arithmetic tricks through logic. They’re otherwise orthogonal skills. Most mathematicians/physicists I know aren’t any better than any random person at arithmetic.

          1. Hroethvitnir*

            Yeah, I also am very good at logic and mediocre at arithmetic – which has the net result of being better than average at a lot of mathematics but more hesitant than many people about simple multiplication.

            This generalises to being extremely quick with picking up concepts and good at reverse engineering solutions from limited information but struggling a lot with anything that requires rote memorisation: I am unclear if those are intrinsically linked to the analytical aptitude, but it feels similar.

            Yes, it annoys me that aptitude in listing memorised facts is what is largely perceived as a marker of intelligence, why do you ask? lol

        2. Reluctant Mezzo*

          Separate checks! Always! Unless one person has already won the judo contest to pay the whole thing. (there’s a comedy routine in Pakistan about a man and his father literally coming to blows over who will grab the check. I commented, “you know my dad!”

    5. Mockingjay*

      It can be explained easily: the current job is simply a mismatch. Tom’s strengths don’t match the requirements, but Job X in Other Dept could be a good fit.

      Even for experienced employees, it’s hard to judge job suitability when interviewing and it’s very hard when you are just starting out in your career. Like Tom, my second job out of college was a whopping mismatch. I was eventually able to transfer to a different department for a role which was a much better fit. If OP1 can lead the conversation with, “you have skills and talent that the company wants to use/retain and we’d like you to try New Role in Other Dept,” I think there could be a positive outcome. If you start out with: “current role is not a good fit,” Tom will only hear a negative.

      1. allx*

        I think this too. Don’t leave it up to a newish-to-career person to decide what their specialty is going to be. Sometimes you simply do the job/specialty you’re told to do. Lots of times what you become good at (specialty) is what you learn rather than what you think you want to learn. If there is a way to legitimately say “we need you over here in this function” within the framework of the company, why not just transfer him. Maybe that’s old school management style, and nobody does that anymore, and every worker gets to insist on exactly what they want to do. But in the two industries I was in (energy; legal), you went where you were told to go and if you didn’t like that assignment, you found a different job. One caveat to this approach: give the reassignment; don’t make Tom have to seek out and internally interview for positions. In other words, make it a management decision of the company.

        1. a clockwork lemon*

          Yes, this! I’m specialized in something WILDLY outside my academic wheelhouse and the legal field I’m trained in, all because my first job out of law school happened to be as a subject matter expert for a niche software company. It’s not work I ever would have chosen for myself (I didn’t even know it existed!) and it’s certainly not the specialty I have my degrees in, but I enjoy what I do and I’m really good at it.

          If I could go back in time and tell my 22yo self what she’d be doing at 30, she would assume I’d been body snatched by pod people or accidentally tripped in from a parallel universe, Marvel-style.

          1. Pastor Petty Labelle*

            Similar happened to me. Although I at least knew about family law as i was a paralegal/secretary for some all purpose small firms before law school. I went to law school to do human rights. Did not take family law in school (although at least unlike federal tax I wasn’t cornered by the teacher and asked why I wasn’t taking the class, trust me, Fed Tax Prof, you didn’t want me in your class). Graduated in 2008, so well, you know…..

            Started volunteering at a law clinic for something to do. Gave quick advice to folks on family law. Was encouraged to take a family law case pro bono, with free training. Turns out I am GOOD at it. That was 15 years ago. I only do family law, nothing else.

            1. Grimalkin*

              This was the case for both my father and myself too.
              My father went to law school and wasn’t sure what he wanted to specialize in exactly, but he didn’t want to do family law. Then the job market shook out how it shook out, he got a job doing family law, then another… and he’s been doing only family law now for decades.
              I’m a paralegal and thought I wanted to work in contract law, or possible estate planning, and I was sort of hoping to avoid family law, if only BECAUSE my father is a family law attorney himself. But then I got an internship at a family law firm and realized that they have contracts, too, they’re just called things like “Marital Settlement Agreement”, and my love of details is useful for discovery in family law too… and while it’s still pretty early in my career, I wouldn’t be surprised if I stay in family law for the rest of it.
              Now that I’ve heard a similar story from outside of my immediate family, I’m starting to wonder if this is, in fact, a trend in family law specifically…

              1. a clockwork lemon*

                I think it’s just kind of common with lawyers in general. The only people I know who really stuck with a specialty practice area from law school to now (class of ’17 for me) are actually family lawyers.

                My husband and I met in school and he started out as a public defender before becoming a specialist in, of all things, personal injury insurance coverage disputes.

            2. a clockwork lemon*

              And I’m the weirdo who took all the tax classes! Now I do finance industry corporate governance/compliance, so hard left turn from the IRS controversy job of my 3L dreams.

              Sometimes it takes a while to figure out the Venn diagram of stuff you like and stuff you are good at, especially straight out of school where you don’t necessarily realize that the thing you were good at during school was mostly being a student.

              1. infopubs*

                As a non-lawyer, these distinctions between your specialties make me feel like the guy who thinks apples and snakes are all the same thing because they have smooth skin…

            3. Carol the happy*

              I’m old school, but I always feel that an arrogant young puppy who isn’t house-trained (but thinks he’s a big dog) sometimes needs a fast lesson.

              “You’re not good at this particular job, and you’re arrogant.

              Arrogance can’t learn anything, and we need someone who can be good at THIS PARTICULAR job, with THESE PARTICULAR SPECIFICATIONS.

              You’re intelligent, and you have a lot of potential, but you can’t even see why this particular job will never be a fit, much less a good fit.

              “Your arrogance is masking that fact for you, in your mind, and you are revealing your lack of job-specific competence. (Make sure you say competence very, very clearly, or he’ll hear it as ‘confidence’ and keep bashing his head against this particular rock. Trust me on this. I actually say ‘Competency’ very deliberately because the mistaken one glommed onto the wrong word and ran away with it. And got fired spectacularly.

              “Your combination of ‘not capable’, and ‘not teachable’ mean that you’re alienating everyone at the top, and it’s trickling down to people we DO want to keep in this particular job.

              “The solution would be to put you on a PIP, for the purpose of firing you.

              “That would be a waste. Because a few of us think you’d be absolutely great at one of these other jobs if you can lose the attitude, and we’d rather keep your mind and talents if you can jettison the crap.

              “So, PIP and probable firing?
              Or do a reconstruct on an eager learner?

              “This is Thursday; here is a list of PIP corrections you’d need to make and keep by December 4th, but over here are some jobs we think you’d become expert in with training and experience. Take tomorrow off, hit the library– (there’s a good reason for a brick and mortar library; it is a building with a million different options AND a library scientist or three. A library can reset a brain like no other place.)

              –and we’ll see you in here an hour early on Monday, so we can hash out your option. (singular.)”

              2. Moira's Rose's Garden*

                I think framing very junior/new to the workforce people as “young puppies” to myself, and then proceeding with the verbal equivalent of a rolled newspaper on the nose is probably not going to obtain the outcomes I prefer to aim for. I do not need to verbally “bash” anyone, nor swing my professional weight around in a bullying manner. I’ve had managers who did operate like this, and decided early career that I wanted better outcomes for my staff, than they generally got.

                Basically this is an approach I have a hard time thinking of as appropriate for the young people on my team. Nor actual puppies, for that matter.

                1. Tupac Coachella*

                  I have to agree, I can’t see this approach getting the outcomes I’d want with any of the people I’ve managed in the past. And if someone talked to me like this personally, especially when I was new to the working world, I probably would have decided that the relationship with my manager was a loss and started looking to leave the company completely (and also that I sucked and everyone around me thought I was an arrogant jerk, though that takeaway is less generalizable). Not saying Carol is necessarily wrong-all of those things might be true. But assuming the OP’s best possible outcome is that Tom is transferred to another role within the company where he is productive and successful and OP gets an employee that is a better fit for their needs, this isn’t even close to the most quick and painless route. People rarely regret leading with kindness, even if the ultimate outcome is less than ideal.

              3. So I says to Mabel I says*

                Carol, this tone feels wildly out of sync to me with what we know of the individual. He was described as being exhausted and burnt out, yes, a bit of a know it all tendency, but nowhere near deserving of this approach. Why is he coming in an hour early on Monday!? Without even being asked if it’s possible? None of that makes sense to me.

                The script Alison gives is perfectly clear and direct. This would obscure things by making a lot of employees doubt the judgment of the speaker. It sounds a bit like someone revelling in their power rather than someone trying to get the best results.

            4. Reluctant Mezzo*

              Amazing how different we all are. Taxes are fun! It’s wargaming but with real money. I tell that to D&D people who stay up nights checking the exact specs for a vampire dwarf and they mostly get it.

    6. Heffalump*

      I took the Johnson O’Connor aptitude tests ca. 1989 when I was making a midlife career change. My sitch wasn’t as bad as that of LW1’s report, but the tests were a big factor in my choosing my present line of work.

      1. callmeheavenly*

        I have set aside some money to take it within the next year in the hopes of constructively directing my impending midlife crisis, so all of these recommendations give me some hope. I majored in the field my parents would pay for, and I was successful in school and able to fake it for the first twenty years since the pay is good, but thinking about doing this for another 25 or so until retirement makes me want to diiiieeee.

    7. BlueWolf*

      Even just basic career aptitude testing can be somewhat enlightening. I took a few different ones early on and one of the careers that often came up was accounting. I always scoffed at that because I wasn’t a huge fan of math (although I was in a slightly advanced math track in school). Now I am in an accounting-related field (just not an actual accountant). I definitely ended up in a career that fits my personality and skill-set. It isn’t so much actual math since the computer handles most of that, but it does involve logic, following set rules and policies, and there is a certain amount of routine to my workflow, which are all things that suit me.

  2. Soontobetetired*

    LW2 . do talk to HR if you can. So many people for different reasons would be uncomfortable getting in and out of that boat via ladder. or just getting into a boat – I suffer from sea sickness and boats are not a good surprise

    1. KateM*

      I can see boss thinking that 30 seconds of being physically helped in the course of all evening would not be a big problem, but now I’m guessing she never thought os sea sickness which would have lasted all the event…

      1. Ellie*

        Nah, I doubt she thought about it much at all. I wouldn’t have been happy to have a boat and a ladder sprung on me either. I’m pretty uncoordinated, and I’d have chosen my footwear and dress more carefully, at minimum. I wouldn’t be drinking champagne either, knowing that a ladder was involved in the return trip. Surprise activities suck.

        OP – please do understand that no-one would have been pitying you. They would only have been horrified by the awful position you were placed in. We have a team lead where I work who is in a wheel chair, and if this happened to him, the outrage would have been palpable. Your manager is terrible for not trying to make this up to you. I’m thinking a gift presented to you as well as a thank you for all of your hard work in lieu of the boat celebration. That weak apology she offered was no where near enough.

        1. Emmy Noether*

          Yes, I think the likeliest explanation is that she didn’t think about it at all (which is not ok – she should have thought about it!). I’ve also been on several boats of different sizes and don’t remember any involving a ladder (though the wobbly planks I do remember are not much better), so she may not have expected it (though again, she should have checked the accessibility).

          And that’s in addition to the seasickness issue. I happen to enjoy boats even though I get seasick sometimes, but the time I had a work event on a catamaran and had to lie down the whole time was NOT FUN. And the surprise aspect makes it worse.

          1. Artemesia*

            I’ve been on many a boat event and none of the one involving work or professional associations involved ladders or other awkward boarding. They all involved a ramp that the OP probably could have managed i.e. ramp with railing. I suspect that the person who booked this didn’t know how complicated boarding would be and then completely muffed dealing with the situation once it occurred. When you have someone with serious limitations, you have to do more than assume — you have to actually ask about the logistics.

            1. amoeba*

              Yeah, that’s what I thought as well! That kind of boat trip (you know, with dinner on board, champagne, etc.) typically, in my experience, involves big boats, not a lot of movement that might make people seasick, and a plank with railings/bridge type thing to get onto it (which would be fine even for people in a wheelchair). So I can absolutely see they automatically expected something like that and didn’t think to ask about accessibility…

              1. londonedit*

                I’ve been on one of the ‘party boats’ that go up and down the Thames, with a bar and a DJ etc, but as I mentioned below my mum wouldn’t be able to cope with even that – you might not be on the high seas but there’s still the movement of a boat, which gets more pronounced as other boats go past. I’m pretty sure no one would think to check whether someone has an inner-ear issue like my mum does – she’d have turned up, seen the boat and said absolutely not.

                1. Love me, love my cat*

                  Oh my. I read the line about “party boats that go up and down” and just reading it gave me a dizzying flashback. I once was seasick on a “Tall Ships” cruise. Beautiful scenery. What I saw of it anyway. I spent most of the ride hanging over the side of the boat, praying for death. No one should ever surprise someone with a boat ride, unless they know the invited party has “sea legs.”

              2. Clisby*

                Agreed. I’m trying to imagine what would require a ladder to access a boat that seems to be meant for partygoers (as opposed to sailors, who presumably are used to getting on and off boats via various methods.)

                Granted, I live in Charleston, SC, which is laser-focused on tourism, so that’s probably influencing me, but the kinds of boats that take people on river/harbor tours and the like have ramps for boarding. People in wheelchairs can access them; 90-year-olds with canes can access them; 3-year-olds can safely access them. (I’m talking about boat tour businesses; I’m sure plenty of private boat owners would provide only the access needed for their personal use, but they’re not being paid for it.)

                Seasickness is something else, of course.

                1. Mockingjay*

                  Ah, the infamous Charleston Harbor Cruises! (“Look! The Ravenel Bridge!”) My husband’s company did one for his holiday party one year. It did have the advantage of limited drink tickets (although after the first two hours the bartenders gave up and just poured) and a hard cutoff of three hours when it docked again. Boarding was a ramp and was fairly easy, but the party took place on two decks, meaning persons with limitations could be restricted to the main deck if they couldn’t manage stairs.

                2. Worldwalker*

                  We went out to Fort Sumter in the Before Times, and I was a distinct shade of green by the time we got there. On a calm day. (I live a couple of hours away from you)

                3. infopubs*

                  We were docked next to the big Charleston tour boat one afternoon when a giant group of young people (possibly a fraternity/sorority event?) arrived. They had “pre-gamed” and were completely drunk. The captain refused to move the boat from the dock, deeming it unsafe to supervise that many drunks out on the water. We heard the whole discussion over the marine radio. They partied on board, at the dock, for several hours, then stumbled away.

                4. Chirpy*

                  A relative of mine has a big cabin cruiser boat. It’s big enough to hold a small party on- the biggest I’ve been to had about 12, and they do make significantly larger versions of this style of boat. Even from a flat marina dock, you do have to either scramble over the side, or step down onto the back deck, then up two steps to get over the hull, and down two steps. My grandma had a hard time with it.

                  I could see a bigger cabin cruiser being rented out for small private events, but yeah, typically party boats are slightly more accessible. I have seen one party boat that had a ramp/gang plank to get aboard but still had a step or two to get inside, though.

              3. LCH*

                i got seasick on the ferry that goes from Italy to Greece which looked like very big boat. so people can get seasick anywhere. i’ve also not gotten seasick on much smaller boats. it’s weird.

                i agree that the manager doesn’t sound like they thought very much about this activity at all. hopefully in the future there won’t be surprise events. maybe they wanted it to be a surprise that they won an award… and that part could have been. but not the boat part.

              4. Worldwalker*

                I’ve been on one of those. It toodled slowly around Boston harbor, and I was okay.

                Boarding involved going down a ramp from the parking lot to the dock, and another ramp onto the boat. Not with our group (there were multiple Christmas parties for multiple companies) but there was at least one person using a wheelchair.

            2. Ana Gram*

              Yeah, I think it’s very likely she didn’t realize a ladder was involved and didn’t think to ask. I’ve been on all sorts of little boat tours and they all had ramps, even the one that goes around Niagara Falls! Boss definitely handled it poorly once there but I’d clarify whether she knew about the ladder ahead of time.

            3. learnedthehardway*

              I think that’s probably what happened – the organizer TRIED to be accommodating – likely thinking “Vehicle – that’ll work for OP!” without really understanding what the OP’s needs were.

              Having been there myself with a new family member, it’s so easy to think you understand what someone needs, without really appreciating just how complex their needs are or how what seems like an obvious solution really isn’t.

              1. MigraineMonth*

                Yeah, I think the solution to this isn’t to ask lots of prying questions about disability (which can change from day to day or even hour to hour), but to *stop trying to surprise* people so they can make their own decisions and inquire about the arrangements they actually need.

                Also, once they’ve made their decision, *respect the decision*. Don’t try to pressure them, don’t make weird unworkable offers (like carrying them, please no), don’t make them the center of attention. Apologize and try to make it up to them afterwards.

            4. sofar*

              Yep this is also what I thought. I bet the person who planned it was like, “OK OP can take a taxi to the dock and then just get on the boat, and then easy peasy! No walking involved!” Either they didn’t call the boat company to confirm accessibility or the company was like “yeah we’re accessible, should be fine.” Folks without disabilities can be really really bad about anticipating needs when it comes to activities they see as “easy.”

              I once planned a bachelorette booze cruise (a couple attendees had mobility issues). Both knew I was looking into a boat, and they gave me a list of things to ask about. I was obsessive about confirming this with the company, and we got special reservations for the two of them to make sure there would be a ramp AND guaranteed seating for them onboard. Had I tried to do this as a surprise … I can’t even imagine. The lists they gave me had a few things I hadn’t even considered and was so glad to be able to check on well ahead of time!

            5. Aeryn Sun*

              What I was thinking. I recently went on a lovely boat tour and while there were some stairs on the ship (to get to an optional upper deck) getting on the boat was a very easy ramp.

              I’m guessing they assumed but needed to be more proactive in ensuring the activity was suited to everyone’s ability/needs.

          2. Boat experience*

            I have been on boats for work social events that involved a ladder for boarding. They also had bathrooms that are extremely small. Both of these factors led to a coworker opting out at the last minute.

            Unfortunately, the lack of needs consideration that OP experienced is pretty common in my experience.

            1. Smithy*

              Yeah – I do think that big reason why a lot of events at work repeat the same events is that it’s easy to be ableist when thinking creatively, and when you’re on a voluntary planning committee – as opposed to this being a genuinely thoughtful part of your job – to not be as inclusive as you’re hoping to be.

              Where I used to work, going to a baseball game was a fairly common team building activity at work. The one year I was on one of those committees, we were trying to think of something inside to do instead given the weather of that time of year. Came up with bowling at a space that also had food and some other things to do. But it became very clear the number of coworkers excluded from bowling due to an assortment of physical limitations our group was not thinking of. They could physically be in the space and eat – but the primary activity was far less inclusive than had been intended. From what I’ve heard from people still there – baseball games are now just an annual thing.

          3. kalli*

            Most likely explanation is they booked a boat, were told it was accessible, and ‘accessible’ meant different things to different people, because a lot of people who don’t live with disabilities that add complications to getting around just don’t know how to ask specific questions to get useful answers and genuinely think ‘accessible’ means someone’s done that for them. ‘There’s a ladder to get in the boat instead of jumping in from the dock’ is likely to count as accessible to some people, but not others.

          4. I'm just here for the cats!!*

            I’m also wondering if maybe the boss didn’t realize what accessing the boat would mean? Like maybe they thought there would be some sort of ramp and not stairs and a ladder. Or maybe the boss thought there would be some sort of lift.

        2. Learn ALL the things*

          Just a heads up, the LW refers to their boss as “him.” I know the convention on this blog is to refer to managers with she/her pronouns when that person’s gender is unknown, but this boss’s gender is known and we should be mindful of that.

          1. carrot cake*

            Why? Gender has no bearing here, at least not that the LW indicates, which is what we should go with.

            1. Hlao-roo*

              Gender doesn’t have bearing on the LW’s question, I agree, but it is still good practice to use the correct pronouns for a person when you know them. In this case, LW2 uses he/him pronouns for the boss:

              Ahead of traveling, I had a 1×1 over the phone with my boss … to remind him that I’m not able to do a lot of physically activity, have difficulty with stairs, etc. so will need to, for example, take direct taxis instead of trams. He said of course and all was positive.

              (emphasis mine)

        3. Bumblebee*

          This is so true – I would be taken aback at climbing down a ladder for a work event. This is a terrible choice for many reasons and a good example of why taking things like ADA into consideration ultimately benefits everyone. I’m guessing your manager is in a country that doesn’t routinely consider accommodations? That must be so hard and I’m sorry it happened!

          1. Bumblebee*

            Weird nesting – I was replying to the commenter who said she’d at least need to reconsider outfit and shoes knowing a ladder was involved!

          2. Freya*

            Yeah, like, I might wear a dress and heels to a work party, but if I know it involves a boat I am 100% wearing trousers and flats, making sure I have a jacket or wrap that fastens securely (as compared to a scarf or pashmina-like wrap), and securing my hair so that it doesn’t whip me in the face with the wind off the water!

        4. hereforthecomments*

          I would really hate an event like this in a work context. As a woman, I’m sure I would have had on some outfit and shoes that make navigating a ladder a tricky thing, like Ellie mentioned. Plus, having a purse/bag, or even carrying a water bottle or drink would have been a problem. I know people with cell phones that won’t fit in a pocket and can see someone dropping one right into the water while trying to go up or down a ladder. Yeah, just no. I don’t normally get seasick, but drinking champagne on a boat ride is making me feel like I am just typing that out. If I’d been there, I’d have opted out with OP.

          1. I Have RBF*

            I don’t normally get seasick, but drinking champagne on a boat ride is making me feel like I am just typing that out.

            This.

            It turns out that carbonated beverages, like soda or champagne, make me susceptible to seasickness. (Supposedly ginger ale helps with it, but I couldn’t try it.)

      2. Worldwalker*

        Gods, yes. I just about get seasick looking at a picture of a rowboat. That would be a highly unpleasant “surprise.”

      3. Crencestre*

        …And she surely never even asked the tour boat company about accessibility! LOTS of people use assistive devices (canes, walkers, etc.) and even many of those who don’t use them would find a ladder very difficult to navigate.

        Please, managers: A little thoughtfulness goes a long way towards preventing this kind of scenario! Just ASK the representative of any venue that you’re considering for your employees’ party about access for those with mobility limits. Will the attendees need to go up and down stairs or steps? Are the restrooms accessible to all? A couple of questions like that will help to ensure that ALL your employees have a good time at the company event!

        1. Margaret Cavendish*

          Yeah, this is the problem I have as well. I get that the boss may not have thought about inclusivity on his own, but OP made a specific point of reminding him about their needs. At that point, the only acceptable response from the boss is “Of course you’ll be able to participate, and I will confirm this with the definitely not a boat organizers of the surprise event. Is there anything specific you need me to ask?”

          OP, I’m sorry you have to work so hard to advocate for yourself, and I’m sorry your boss dropped the ball anyway!

        2. Ama*

          Not planning “surprise” activities for work would help a lot with this problem. Managers may think they are fun but they are anxiety making for many of us and far too often I have seen them end up in a situation like OP, where someone can’t participate because no one in on the secret fully understood what accommodations they would need.

      4. a clockwork lemon*

        I was surprised about the ladder–every time I’ve done one of these short-duration dinner cruise type things there’s been a big ramp and the boat itself was pretty well-equipped as far as accessibility options go. Based on the fact that boss tried to resolve the situation by having them find a different boat, it seems plausible that he assumed this would be the configuration.

      5. Just Another Cog*

        OP’s letter brings to mind a sweet former coworker who has MS and is in a wheelchair. Years ago, we had an all-hands luncheon at a restaurant with an upstairs banquet room. The person who arranged this affair knew the coworker personally, yet booked that room without a thought to how she was going to get up a flight of like 18 steep stairs in that very old building. We were all seated in the room when the company executives asked for some volunteers to “help” carry her up the stairs. She looked absolutely mortified when the two men carrying her seated on their interlocked hands brought her to the top of the stairs and waited for the guy behind them to open up her wheelchair so they could sit her back down. She was shaking. Of course, she had to endure the same method to get back to street level when the meeting was done. Ugh.

    2. Aardvark*

      Goodness. I am with you. I like boats, so will take seasickness meds. But these need to be taken in advance, and I need to know to have some available.
      Not being warned would have lead to a very unpleasant evening.
      Boats are general not known for having spacious toilets for normal use, let alone for dealing with losing your dinner in to.

      1. Worldwalker*

        That’s what the rail is for!

        Anyone who doesn’t like it, well, I don’t either. You got surprised by my seasickness, I got surprised by the reason for my seasickness. At least you can go to somewhere I’m not; I can’t exactly go somewhere the ocean is not!

    3. Kuddel Daddeldu*

      We have to get training and don life vests before going on a boat by ladder. And a physical every two years. That’s because transfer at sea is recognized as high risk.
      Okay, for us it’s usually seagoing ships, at sea, and the climb is typically 30ft/10m or more in not always optimum conditions (we do ship inspections, think coast guard but more technical). An inland or harbor boat trip would be more sheltered but still not something you’d spring on someone as a surprise.

    4. JSPA*

      I’m guessing that this is a near-default tourist activity (think, Paris and the bateaux-mouches on the Seine, gondolas in Venice, paddlewheel steamers on lake Lucerne, or just the local “duckies” in any of many North American coastal and river cities).

      And (ugh) the amount of thought that went into worrying about access was therefore only, “does it involve mostly sitting” (yes) and “Do I, as a person without a disability, happen to remember anything difficult about the access” (no, because when you’re not disabled, it’s easy to forget).

      And maaaybe, ” Did I think to ask if there is help available if someone needs a hand” (eh, maybe? because people have no clue.)

      Or the dreaded, “Even small children and old people can do it” (likely true but irrelevant) or the everpresent, “I checked with Jane in accounting, whose brother has the same condition, and she said he had done it and enjoyed it.” (Because we’re all apparently alike, yo.)

      Sometimes it helps to say, “I don’t happen to use a wheelchair, but for events and sightseeing, keep in mind that I need wheelchair-level accessibility, as far as avoiding stairs, slopes, barriers, ladders, and shifting surfaces.” And other times, regardless of what you do, some combination of ableism and cluelessness is nevertheless going to win out (especially absent strict policies that apply internationally). It sucks to have to advocate each and every step of the process (“If you can’t tell me the ‘secret thing,’ can you at minimum confirm that it is truly accessible, in ways that do not involve me being treated like luggage?”)

      1. Spooky*

        Not to be too off-topic, but since you mentioned the infamous Duck Boats, I’d recommend anyone who is considering taking one of those to look up the YouTube channel Brick Immortar and his series on duck boat accidents. The short version is: they’re extremely unsafe by design, and I would strongly advise anyone against taking a duck boat tour regardless of what company runs it.

      2. Bear Expert*

        I work in tech and have had decent luck with explaining “I’m a Dalek!” in reference to the Dr. Who villains who, classically, couldn’t handle stairs. Or curbs. Ladders are right out.

        I don’t expect this to work with general audiences, but enough software engineers can get nudged into examining terrain from the point of view of “Could a Dalek chase me here?” that its been fairly effective.

        1. Deejay*

          That one probably would work for a general audience in the series’ homeland, the UK. Here, it’s enough of a cultural icon that if you say “this person talks like a Dalek” or “this room is like a TARDIS” even a non-fan will know you mean respectively “has a harsh, grating voice” and “has a more spacious interior than you would expect from looking at the exterior”.

    5. Anima*

      This story made me angry on OP2’s behalf.
      My company tried to pull a “surprise!” event last year, too, but surprises are a stupid way to do team events even for able bodied people. I tend to dress up for work and work events, and me showing up in a pencil skirt and heels to climb a ladder onto a boat would have been an absolute no-no. Not only because of dignity, but safety! Companys need to disclose what the surprise is, this isn’t a college party!
      (In my case my colleague and I badgered the organising team until they told us what we are doing, and this was a good call, because it involved hiking. Showing up in heels would have prevented us from participating. It also allowed the non-hikers to either gracefully bow out or get an alternative organized, which happened, so all was well.)

        1. amoeba*

          Hah, yeah, I mean, I love hiking, but I would definitely want to know in advance, because I’d wear very different clothes than for a regular work outing! I mean, I have hiking boots – would be pretty annoyed if I had to hike in sneakers or whatever because “surprise”!

          1. Grimalkin*

            Sneakers is one of the better options for a surprise hike, IMO. Imagine trying to hike in formal dress shoes, or high heels… or in lacy clothes, or a wide skirt, or while wearing pantyhose… there are a lot of terrible outfit possibilities here.

        2. Cloud Spinner*

          That manager in a former AAM letter who routinely led her subordinates on 10K hikes, 5 K runs and rock climbing would’ve loved a “surprise hike”! (Of course, that particular manager also held it against the OP of that letter because they were physically unable to participate in those “fun” activities and made sure that there were professional repercussions against that OP as well, thus violating both common sense and the ADA.)

        3. iglwif*

          Gaaaaaaa.

          I can’t even. (And I love hiking! But one prepares VERY DIFFERENTLY for a day hike than for a work meeting!!)

          Years ago my spouse surprised me with front-row tickets to a show for my birthday? Our anniversary? One of those, and I was thrilled … except that he had given me zero guidance on what to expect, so there I was in this very posh theatre wearing, like, leggings and a bunnyhug or something equally unsuitable for the front row. I was so salty about it that now when he wants to surprise me or our child — which he still does, and we let him because he chooses good surprises and it makes him very happy — the surprise is always revealed at least a day ahead and/or he consults the other person as to appropriate attire.

          1. Cruella*

            Off topic to say it’s been decades since I’ve seen or heard “bunnyhug” in conversation and thank you for the warm nostalgia for my prairie childhood. (At least I haven’t had to go without saskatoon pie for that whole time.)

            1. iglwif*

              ::waves in Prairie Provinces::

              I’ve been gone from the Prairies a long time too but I am still trying to make bunnyhug happen here in Central Canada!!

              (Also mmmmmmmmmm saskatoon pie)

        4. Jackalope*

          Right?? I love hiking, and would happily go on a hike for a team-building activity. But you need the right shoes, a way to bring snacks and water (if it’s going to be more than, say, one of those half mile nature loops), and so on.

        6. I Have RBF*

          Not me. I can walk two long blocks on a good day, with cane, on even ground. After that, I’m tired and in pain. Any appreciable slope makes that distance shorter.

    6. londonedit*

      Yeah, my mum has an issue with her inner ear which means if she goes on a boat she not only suffers from horrible seasickness at the time, but also for about 3-4 days afterwards. There’s no way she could go on a boat trip without being ill afterwards. Again, probably the sort of thing boat-going people wouldn’t even consider, but there are all sorts of mobility and other issues that mean boats aren’t a great choice for a surprise trip.

    7. Hyaline*

      Even if everyone is cool with a boat, people are going to change their choice of clothing and footwear and even hairstyle (long hair plus open air wind on the water = not fun), plus some people with seasickness are fine if they take meds–but need to know ahead of time! Is it just me, or is the “surprise” aspect of this actually the worst? LW could have headed this off at the pass if the boss hadn’t insisted on it being a surprise, and the surprise could have been hellish for more people than it was (and maybe it was, but no one is comparing notes about throwing up all night or being stuck on a boat out on the water without a jacket and freezing with LW!) Surprises and work functions really don’t mix well–so many variables at play.

      1. WellRed*

        That’s the missing piece for me. Insist on knowing in advance. That’s easier said than done. I am irate on OPs behalf. I hate “food surprises” at work events.

        1. Galadriel's Garden*

          Oh my gosh yes, the “food surprises!” I have some very specific food allergies that rule out certain cuisines almost altogether, or at least severely limit what I can consume – i.e. a corn and raw onion allergy means Mexican food is going to be extremely difficult for me to navigate – and I need to be able to review the menu in advance to ensure I can actually, you know, eat something the restaurant prepares and/or call ahead of time to see if the kitchen is able to work with me. No one wants me to drink a glass of wine, unwittingly eat something I’m allergic to, then have to pop a Benadryl at work function, least of all me.

      2. Smithy*

        I agree – I will also say that by being transparent, you do give staff that opportunity to flag in advance any major blind spots.

    8. Grogu's Mom*

      Yes, boats are not a good surprise! People who plan work surprises – no boats, please. Once on the final night of a professional conference, the group was asked to meet in the ballroom of the conference hotel for a special surprise social event. I assumed it would be a party of some type held in the ballroom and went down, only to find that everyone had been led outside to a waiting riverboat, which was boarding and departing immediately, not returning for almost three hours. I was lactating at the time and needed to pump sooner than that, had not brought my pump bag to what I thought was a ballroom social event, and even if I had, there was no one to ask whether there was a private room aboard suitable for pumping (doubtful the organizers had thought of that). I imagine there may have been others with medical needs who might have needed to arrange to refrigerate medication, or those who needed to dip in and out of social environments in order to enjoy them and wouldn’t be able to handle being stuck on a boat. I’ve certainly enjoyed my share of boat rides in my life, and they can be really fun! But this is something that should never be a work surprise, regardless of the type of boat. I was disappointed but had to decline to board, resented the conference attendees who were talking about the meaningful networking they’d done on the boat the next morning, and all I could really do was note in the post-conference survey that this was an unfortunate decision.

    9. Irish Teacher.*

      Yes, I have a terror of heights (and am pretty clumsy) so unless that ladder was like two steps, I doubt I could do it.

      This seems like it would exclude so many people, those with physical disabilities, seasickness, fear of heights, etc. It really wasn’t a good choice at all.

    10. CommanderBanana*

      I am an event planner, and I can say that “secret” events are 95% of the time a terrible idea, and if that “secret” event includes going on a boat, it is 99.99% of the time a bad idea. Going on a boat is not something that should ever be sprung on people, with the .001% exception being if the group is a group of sailors at the annual I Love Boats and Surprises conference.

      1. Bob the Sourdough Starter*

        “the .001% exception being if the group is a group of sailors at the annual I Love Boats and Surprises conference”

        I laughed hard at this.

      2. The Formatting Queen*

        Okay, but let’s be real… at the annual I Love Boats and Surprises conference, wouldn’t NOT going on a boat be the real surprise?

      3. Our Lady of Shining Eels*

        My partner has MS, and I have other mobility issues … and oh my god. Before we go to a new place the amount of recon we do is somewhat over the top, but so needed, so we don’t show up at an event and realize that the place’s definition of accessibility is not our definition.

        OP2, I feel for you so much. I am absolutely so sorry that this happened to you.

    11. Bob the Sourdough Starter*

      I was required to go to a mandatory work event at a rock climbing gym, despite my disability. I very politely demurred and was told I had to go even if I didn’t climb.

      There were three of us who couldn’t participate, and had our physical disabilities turned into deep pain by the hours in hard uncomfortable chairs or on our feet. (Rock climbing gyms tend to be deeply ableist, with a few exceptions.) I went back to the hotel and cried myself to sleep in pain, and limped for a week.

      Work events shouldn’t make you cry.

      Work events shouldn’t leave you in pain.

      1. Cloud Spinner*

        That sounds absolutely awful! I hope that whoever arranged that “surprise” got an earful from their own manager when they found out about this – it was discriminatory and just plain cruel. (As a senior with mobility limits myself, I know how easily a venue that’s just fine for those who are totally able-bodied can result in terrible pain for those of us who aren’t!)

        1. Bob the Sourdough Starter*

          Nope, it was the C-level exec who planned it. There were no repercussions for anyone except the disabled.

          1. Bob the Sourdough Starter*

            I’d just wanted to to clarify that MOST rock climbers are ableist / sizeist and can’t even see the active discrimination in climbing gyms… but there are some great people working hard(er than they should have to) to improve the sport.

            I have actually rock climbed in a disability friendly way. I found an amazing adaptive sports group for folks with disabilities, and it was so eye opening for me! My climbing instructor belayed me from a wheelchair, as she had dual leg amputations. When it was her time to climb, she put on special adaptive climbing gear, and was able to recommend gear that worked for my body.

      3. Lola*

        OMG, that’s awful.

        I am able-bodied and would still find rock-climbing as a work activity a nightmare. No thank you. Fear of heights, not particularly athletic, vulnerability in front of co-workers, etc.

        What is going on in the minds of people who come up with these things?!?

        1. Worldwalker*

          There are plenty of people who don’t have physical limitations who nonetheless are not good at rock climbing, and really don’t want that lack of talent/skill/experience to be put on display out in front of their co-workers. Who thinks up these things? And perhaps more important, who thinks these things improve anything but the self-importance of whoever decided this was a good idea?

    12. Ess Ess*

      Same… I can’t swim and I’m terrified of being on boats. I would have been in serious difficulty seeing that “surprise”.

      1. BlueSwimmer*

        I was brand new at a job a week after having a lumpectomy. My boss knew this (none of my new co-workers did because I wasn’t comfortable starting a new job as the “person with breast cancer”) and I was required to go axe throwing with the group for team-building. Not only could I not lift my arm to throw an axe, I had to pay $50 bucks for the privilege of sitting there awkwardly with my new co-workers, fending off inquiries about why I wasn’t participating. We work in education and money can’t be spent on things like this, so even if I had been able to participate- it was an expensive “forced fun” event.

        1. Worldwalker*

          “Doing some random thing together” is not team-building in the first place. How is it different if someone goes axe-throwing with co-workers versus just a bunch of random strangers? Actually, in this example, it looks like it was both: co-workers who were a bunch of random strangers.

          Now, I can see if it’s something that gets people to work together, plan, strategize, etc. But somehow, I can’t see the kind of people who think “team building” involves axe throwing, rock climbing, or any of the other awful things I’ve seen here, agreeing to an afternoon of tabletop wargaming or RPGs. But it would be loads of fun, there are all kinds of genres, and not only doesn’t it exclude people with physical issues, you can even include people who can’t physically make it — I play a monthly Fantasy Trip game where, I believe, no two players are actually in the same state.

    13. M2*

      I have been to many events internally for work and many times the event organizer confirms there is an elevator or ramp and then you show up and no elector or it’s broken and no ramp. I have seen this actually a few times and it’s always internationally.

      I feel if you don’t know you share with the team and see if it works for people. I have also attended many work things and everyone wants to go on a boat (I get sea sick and Dramamine makes me drowsy) so I don’t go. Whenever I have planned anything I never do a boat! I think you should speak to HR but more on the line of in future can we not have surprises and can we make sure areas have access for all? That being said like the above, our event manager does this and looks on websites etc and has had an issue a couple times abroad.

    14. autistic self*

      As a fellow disabled person I am really sorry this happened to you. As an autistic I don’t like surprises either. They could have handled this way better! I don’t know if HR can do anything now (they really aren’t your friend) but hopefully the company will take accessibility into consideration next time!! Disabled people are never thought of in any situation and it’s getting old.

    15. iglwif*

      Yeah, I love boats! But boats are absolutely not a good surprise. A lot of people get motion-sick and would like to be able to either decline the boat or prepare for the boat with a dose of Gravol-or-local-equivalent. (My personal feeling about work events is that one should avoid surprises entirely. There’s just so many reasons to not spring things on your captive audience, and no good reasons I can think of to do so.)

      I will say … it is valid for LW2’s boss to not have anticipated the ladder situation! I’ve been on a lot of boats and ships over the years, and very rarely have I had to get on or off via a ladder or even stairs — especially when a boat has to load and unload groups of people (like a bunch of tourists signed up for a harbour cruise, or a team of 25 whose manager thought a boat would be a good surprise), a ramp or gangway is enormously more efficient both to deploy and to use.

      However, given their conversation about LW2’s specific accessibility needs, it’s very weird that the boss didn’t then ask the boat hire company (or whatever), hey, what’s the accessibility situation with your boat? How do we get on and off, are the washrooms accessible, what’s the plan for a PRA in an emergency?

    16. Florp*

      Oof, yeah, this is so frustrating. There are absolutely accessible boats; I know a quadriplegic person who boats a lot! My kid is a charter boat captain and his marina has plenty of ways to help people with mobility issues onto boats while preserving their dignity.

      The organizer just needed to talk to the boat charter company so they could make sure they had the right kind of boat and an accessible dock.

      And activities like this should NEVER be a surprise. Especially after OP talked to her boss ahead of time–he should have thought, “Wait a minute, maybe I should let the person with the cane be the judge of what’s accessible for her.”

    17. Sheworkshardforthemoney*

      Surprises can be nice but someone dropped the ball. There are many reasons people don’t want to get on a boat. After a near drowning involving a boat there’s no way I’m going out onto open water. The same argument can be made for any activity that involves physical reqiurements. People fear heights, enclosed spaces, and wilderness just for a start.

    18. infopubs*

      I actually LIVE on a boat and think boats are a terrible surprise. People have no idea how physically challenging boats can be. We had to institute a policy of “no elderly guests unless they are blood relatives” after several people tripped on board. Relatives can (and have) also fall, but they are much less likely to sue.

    19. Meep*

      +1 My husband and sister turn green on a boat. We carry Dramamine and those seasick patches with us, but usually we KNOW we are going on a boat.

    20. I Have RBF*

      I have hemiparesis. This means I walk with a limp and my right arm is useless – it doesn’t work. I literally can’t climb or descend ladders. I had to change careers because of it.

      The steps would be okay, the ladder would be impossible. Lifting me, at my weight, into and out of a boat would be impossible.

      I would have had to nope out too.

  3. Wisdom Weaver*

    OP2: Alison is absolutely right – the thoughtless people who didn’t even ask about the boat’s accessibility are the ones who should be ashamed! That being said, it may actually be better in the long run if their reaction was pity rather than embarrassment – and here’s why.

    Even when feelings of guilt or shame are warrented and fully deserved, they can easily and quickly morph into resentment against the (innocent) person who’s making one feel ashamed. Guilt and shame are extremely unpleasant feelings – if they go on for more than a very short time, it’s all too easy to start blaming the person who’s the focus of those feelings. “If it weren’t for THAT PERSON, I wouldn’t be feeling guilty and ashamed! It’s THEIR fault that I feel lousy!”

    This, of course, is 100% Grade A organic fertilizer, but it’s also very human and very common. Being pitied is exasperating (as a senior with a disability myself, I don’t like it either!) but it’s far less likely to turn toxic later on and to make you the target of your manager’s annoyance and resentment.

    Let’s hope that they all learn to ask a few common sense questions about accessibility next time they plan a “surprise”! Although, for the record, making that “surprise” a boat trip which no one can leave until it docks isn’t really the best choice for a company outing. That’s come up before in AAM, and several commenters have noted that it keeps the employees a “captive audience” for the entire trip, which many find annoying. That’s another thing to remember, managers – be thoughtful in planning an outing that EVERYONE can enjoy!

    1. Bob the Sourdough Starter*

      This is insightful… but also kind of piles on the shoulders of disabled people. We already live in so much worry about what ableist things able-bodied folks will do, say, and think.

      This idea that pity at least won’t lead to *destroying us with fire* for our bosses’ unresolved emotional damage… honestly that feels so hopeless and overwhelming and scary.

    2. Verity Kindle*

      I think you’re on the money with your thoughts on how people can blame the person they’ve wronged for their feelings of guilt and shame. This could have negative consequences for OP2 in their job later on. But I’m not sure that pity is going to be much better for them. Pity has a component of distancing oneself from the object of your pity or looking down on them, which isn’t present in other emotions like compassion or empathy. And able-bodied people will often pity people with disabilities because it allows them to avoid the thought that a disability could happen to them too- they subconsciously tell themselves ‘this person is disabled because they are weak, there’s something wrong with them that I am immune to’. A lot of abled responses to disability are infantilising (like the suggestion that OP be carried wth). I can imagine tonnes of ways that this pitying attitude could impact the OP negatively at work, for example being passed over for promotions or interesting assignments because of the perception they can’t handle it.

  4. EA*

    I feel like I’m generally pretty chill about background noise (like people chatting, for example), but I actually feel rage when other people are rude enough to make everyone else listen to their music / shows / Tiktok videos / whatever in public places (I’m looking at you, people on the plane watching videos without headphones!). It’s 2024 – you should know to wear headphones. OP, I would absolutely go to my manager about this and say it’s affecting my ability to work (and also… SO rude).

    1. Ali + Nino*

      yessss thank you say it louder for the people who can’t hear you over the loud, loud audio blasting from their personal devices *cue deer in headlights look – “who, me?”*

    2. Brain the Brian*

      That former supervisor sounds an awful lot like someone who’s bitter about giving up his private office and trying to strong-arm his way into getting it back by being as obnoxious as possible in his new open-plan desk. Maybe it’s just me, but this doesn’t sound like a totally innocent misunderstanding of office norms to me.

      1. Artemesia*

        My first thought as well. And the fact that this person’s manager hasn’t handled it is appalling. The longer this is allowed to go on the harder it will be to deal with. Too bad everyone didn’t rise up and complain the first day.

      2. Learn ALL the things*

        Also, in most of the places I’ve worked, a move from an office to a cubicle would not happen for a promotion or a lateral transfer. The only time I’ve ever seen someone be forced to move out of their office and into a cubicle when their duties changed, that person had been demoted.

        If that’s what happened in this case, I’m sure the former manager’s supervisory chain will be aware of other ways this guy can be a problem, and they would want to know about this.

      3. Antilles*

        That’s how it read to me too because the music is loud enough that OP can hear it while wearing noise-canceling headphones. There’s no way he’s doing this unknowingly.
        My music? Why is this suddenly an issue now? I’ve always done this for X years at this company with no complaints, maybe this wouldn’t be an issue if someone hadn’t stolen my office!

      6. A Poster Has No Name*

        I was gonna say–former supervisor doesn’t enjoy listening to music at work, he enjoys being an asshole and making everyone else miserable because he (probably justifiably) got demoted.

    3. A rich tapestry*

      This!

      Yes, we can hear you. Yes, we can hear that you’re looking at porn, dude-on-train.

      (Genuine example by the way. Thank goodness for old ladies who give zero fluffs because the rest of us were trying to figure out how to say something about this)

    4. Mad Scientist*

      My noisiest coworker recently told me that he sometimes brings in a Bluetooth speaker to play music out loud in the office on days when it isn’t “crowded”. I was horrified that he would do this and even more horrified that he mentioned it so casually as if it wasn’t a rude thing to do! He even told me that he would have liked to turn the volume up higher, like he does at home, and seemed annoyed by the idea that playing his music as loud as he wants would be inconsiderate to everyone else. I pointed out that since his working environment preferences seem to align more with working from home, isn’t it great that our company is flexible and he can often work from home and play his music as loud as he wants? (This was intended as a way to subtly remind him that he *could* WFH more often and he *should* WFH if he’s going to be disruptive of other people in the office… but alas, this coworker actually prefers to work in the office, he just doesn’t like having to consider everyone else working there too.)

      In the same conversation, he mentioned that coworkers have complained to him in the past that they could hear him humming or singing, and his response was “So what?” I was horrified by this too because I have frequently heard him humming and singing and I found it incredibly distracting (borderline infuriating, but I have misophonia, so I’ve trained myself to view this sort of annoyance as mostly a me problem). BUT I had always assumed he was doing it subconsciously and gave him the benefit of the doubt that he probably didn’t even realize he was doing it, which helped me resist the urge to angrily snap at him for being loud in the past. Knowing that he *does* know he’s doing it, he *does* know it’s bothering people, and he simply doesn’t care? I sorta lost any shred of respect I had for the guy, to be honest!

      1. Learn ALL the things*

        Ugh. I had a supervisor who did that. She would hum and sing half remembered lines of music to herself all over the office and it was so annoying. Anytime somebody pointed it out to her she would apologize and say she’d stop, but then she’d sing about 6 more times that same day. I had problems with her for unrelated reasons, so I can’t say whether the humming/singing would have been as bad if we had been on better terms.

        1. Don't Fence Me In*

          I wonder if this could be a verbal tic, though. I sometimes sing hum or whistle to myself when I am concentrating on other tasks and in a good mood. It’s not something I consciously pick up on right away, so of course I will stop when asked, but sometimes start doing it again when my focus is elsewhere. I had a similar issue in school the year we sat in a class room where all the chairs were attached to a single long desk. I bounce my leg A LOT when I am sitting still and focusing on other things. This is obviously obnoxious if you are attached to a table that then vibrates for everyone else. But concentrating on not bouncing my leg is not always compatible with concentrating on the speaker, and it was a constant struggle. (15 years later I learned it’s probably due to ADHD).

          1. Mad Scientist*

            I think for most people it definitely is a verbal tic that is somewhat out of their control but they will try to control it when asked. That’s why it came across as unhinged when my coworker told me he refuses to even try to stop when asked.

            I have ADHD as well so I empathize with you. I prefer to work from home where I can do whatever I need to do to concentrate without disrupting others. My coworker easily could work from home more often, and he could hum and sing to his heart’s content without bothering anyone, but instead he chooses to work in the office and subject us all to his noisy habits.

      2. Lenora Rose*

        I hum and sing — and it’s genuinely subconscious more than half the time; I’d be MORTIFIED if I knew I was actually upsetting people around me. I definitely wouldn’t be saying “So what?” This guy is definitely 100% a (fill in suitable rude term for inconsiderate person of your preference.)

        1. Mad Scientist*

          Right! I honestly assumed he would be mortified which is why I resisted the urge to ask him to stop. But knowing that he simply does not care really changes things!

        2. Jezebella*

          I’m sorry to have to tell you this: if you’re absent mindedly humming and singing all day at the office and you’re not sitting in a room with a closed door, alone? You’re bothering at least one people. Probably several.

          I had a colleague who mumbled to herself non-stop in a shared space. She was a lovely person otherwise but I truly wanted to murder her in the slide library on a regular basis.

    5. Insomnimaniacal*

      This. It wouldn’t be so bad if it were, say, classical music or something calming (e.g., the sound of waves) but it’s always rap in my experience. Totally obnoxious.

      1. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

        Ah, so the 1812 Overture would have been okay? Classical music is not neutral and universal and is not white noise. And calling out rap as “always” the problem, when LW mentioned country and classic rock, frankly sounds racist.

        1. MsM*

          Yeah, I don’t care if its nature sounds. I still find that distracting when I really need to concentrate on something.

        2. Silver Robin*

          Yeah I usually see people distinguishing by “lyrics” vs “instrumental” because lyrics are often more distracting (lyrics in another language are a middle ground). Not by genre.

          But also, plenty of classical music goes through massive volume/tempo/mood changes and I find *that* distracting too.

          1. MigraineMonth*

            I’ve heard that about lyrics in another language being less distracting, but for me it’s the opposite. Even if the lyrics are in a language I don’t know at all, my poor brain keeps trying to parse and/or translate the words. I find listening to K-pop or similar mentally exhausting.

          2. Sheworkshardforthemoney*

            Bolero, starts out silently and ends with a very loud every intstrument chiming in with a thundering crescendo. It’s an amazing piece of work but not for an open office.

        3. Hyperbole police*

          “Ah, so [extreme example] would have been acceptable? Checkmate, bigot.”

          Come on. The average piece of classical music is going to be far, far less obtrusive than the average rap song (or the average country song for that matter).

          1. Ali + Nino*

            It really doesn’t matter what kind of music it is. The problem is the volume, not the content. No one in a public place should be listening to music so loudly that others can (unwillingly) hear it. It’s basic respect for others.

            1. Hyperbole police*

              I would far rather be subjected to one than the other, but I agree that no one should be subjected to loud music in the first place.

          2. Lady Danbury*

            But nobody mentioned rap music. The types of music being played were explicitly mentioned in the letter. The irony of saying it’s “always” rap music when it wasn’t rap music is what makes the assertion extra problematic.

          3. Lenora Rose*

            Hyperfocus on the 1812 Overture as an extreme example while not even commenting on “You’re blaming rap when it’s explicitly country/classic rock” makes me think you should perhaps opt out of policing hyperbole, because you’re doing it to the point of missing the point.

            Here’s another example: I can be driven out of the room by most forms of instrumental jazz* and work through death metal; actually demonstrated in an art school class where different people got to pick the music on different days. And I like rap/hip-hop fine, even have some in my playlist, as long as it isn’t lyrics that degrade women or etc. You cannot reliably choose a whole form of music which will be inoffensive.

            * I actively like Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong and Billie Holiday, so I also break the vocal vs. instrumental rule as far as which one I’d prefer.

        4. North Bay Teky*

          I have a hard time listening to rap music, probably because the rhythm is primarily syncopation. My western ears prefer more melodic and on beat music.

          1. Silver Robin*

            And my western ears have plenty of fun with both? That is a weird way to phrase a personal preference.

          2. MigraineMonth*

            …do you consider American musical genres (e.g. jazz, hip-hop, blues, reggae, rap, R&B, pop) to be not Western?

            2. YetAnotherAnalyst*

              It’s been an uncomfortable six or seven centuries for anyone who doesn’t like syncopation in Western music. I’m reminded of the Jeeves & Wooster clip where Wooster attempts an unsyncopated version of “Putting on the Ritz”!

        5. Insomnimaniacal*

          I was responding to EA, who mentioned music being blasted in public places. I wasn’t responding to OP or talking about music being blasted in the workplace, which I’ve never encountered.

        6. Bitte Meddler*

          Ah, you mean the music piece that my father played to roust me out of bed as a sleep-deprived teenager?

          He had 4.5 foot tall speakers in the living room, along the wall between my bedroom and the living room. He would turn the speakers around so that they faced the wall, skip the needle on the record player to the key part, then turn the volume up to 11 for the cannon fire.

          It was so loud that it vibrated things off my shelves and the top of my dresser.

          Thanks Dad. You could have just knocked on my door.

        7. Jezebella*

          Right? Oh, loud opera is FINE, but that dang hippity hop is always the problem? Yeah, there’s a dog whistle in that one.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        All office music should be checked. A co-worker was in a barbershop quartet. I love barbershop. But listening to barbershop while trying to work? Not productive.

      3. Dust Bunny*

        Yes, it would be. What kinds of sounds are annoying is kind of subjective.

        I don’t mind trains but I once, at a music festival, shared a bunk room with a woman who brought a white noise machine. The incessant hiss all night long forced me to sleep in my car. It’s not neutral if you’re not used to it.

        1. Gumby*

          Agreed! My sister’s kids sleep with white noise machines all night long and I’m just happy that shutting their bedroom doors makes it so you can’t hear them outside of the room because they gave me a headache in the 10 or so minutes of the ‘going to bed’ routine.

      4. Crepe Myrtle*

        It’s always bro country here and it’s the worst! So it doesn’t matter what the noise is, no one should be subjected to other people’s music at work.

    6. A Girl Named Fred*

      This is one of the reasons I was so floored when my grandboss banned headphones and told everyone, “Feel free to play your music out loud at your desk! Bonus if it’s (music they really like)!”

      I was just like WHY are you inviting this cacophony of noise, please just let me keep my headphones????

      But that’s a side tangent, so I’ll stop there. Hopefully OP3 and/or their manager can get him to use headphones!

      1. Antilles*

        That feels like a baffling answer to me because of just how much variety there is in what people listen to.
        Today I’m listening to a six-hour (!) podcast on NBA basketball, previewing all 30 teams. I love it, but I can’t imagine that non-sports fans would want to spend nearly their entire workday overhearing that.

        1. Silver Robin*

          Dang, that is impressively long. I used to listen to a DnD podcast that could go 5, 5.5 hour on a particularly long winded episode, but I listened to those on 1.5 speed. I tip my hat to your stamina (and the producers’!).

        1. Jezebella*

          Possibly allied with Colin Robinson from What We Do In The Dark, feeding off the torment and frustration of trying to work in an office full of sonic chaos.

    7. STFU PLZ*

      my particular brand of ADHD finds this physically painful, and exhausting having to constantly tell people (as nicely as I can) to stop. It’ll be the first thing I’d ban if I take over the world.

    8. HonorBox*

      Definitely go to your manager, OP. While they may want to hear that you’ve tried saying something to this former manager, I think you can offer the fact that you’ve tried wearing headphones and can still hear the music over them. Because this person was a former manager of yours and there are still power dynamics in play (assuming they’re at a different level on the ladder than you), it would make sense for someone in management to say something about the office working conditions.

    10. iglwif*

      10000% take this to the manager.

      Buddy is mad he doesn’t have his own office anymore and is making it everyone else’s problem. Absolutely no reason he should be allowed to do that.

    11. Worldwalker*

      I recently found something incredibly useful: bone conduction headphones.

      Several days a week, I share a home office with my husband. He wants a quiet work environment, and he can tune out minor background noises like the HVAC cycling or the electronic cat flaps flapping. I need some kind of background sound or I’m distracted by every vehicle that goes up our (mostly quiet) street and every other sound. My noise-canceling headphones are great for short term use, but they’re big, and they’re too effective — if he talks to me, I can’t hear it.

      So I got the “bone phones” and they’re great. I can play my favorite background sounds and down out those distractions, without distracting others. It’s almost exactly like having my music or whatever (Gregorian chants are great work music!) playing over the sound system, the way I do when I’m alone, but it also doesn’t drown out things like ringing phones.

      Maybe they can make the guy who wants to listen to music get himself a set? (I got mine at Sam’s Club) They’re no help for the person being involuntarily subjected to his music, of course, but if he would just use them, he could enjoy his music and everyone else could enjoy their lack of his music.

  5. Rosacolleti*

    OP1 – I suspect they will be hugely relieved to hear from someone with so much experience that there are other career options that are more of a pivot than a huge career change that required additional study. Delivering this information of course needs to be done sensitively, but if you really believe that you’re offering not only valid feedback but also a pathway to something they will feel more successful and confident in, it’s not as hard as it may seem.

    I’ve done this several times and the employee has always followed that advice and ended up heaps happier. If your organisation is open to it, offering a few sessions with a career counsellor/psychologist is a really nice and supportive way of helping people to the same conclusion.

    1. NoLongerAManager*

      This does highlight one change I’d make to Alison’s script, which is to emphasize that you do think there are actually available better-suited opportunities. The way it’s worded right now, I would be skeptical there is actually anything I could pivot to — especially if I was new and didn’t know how easy it was to switch.

    2. Pastor Petty Labelle*

      Knowing there are other position in the company he would be better suited is the perfect way to open the conversation.
      Your strengths are X, there happens to be an opening for someone with X skills right now. You might be better suited in that area than here where we need Y skills.

      Framing it as an action he can take right now, without having to do the whole job hunt thing again and as a positive for him might work better. If he still doubles down and says no he wants to stick it out where he is, then you need to have the conversation about how he will most likely never get ahead in this speciality and it would be better to find a new speciality at this stage of his career.

    3. YetAnotherAnalyst*

      This exactly, particularly if you can emphasize their strengths. Getting an outside opinion from somebody with experience of the industry, familiarity with your work, being frank and kind and willing to help map out a general career trajectory? It’s like a unicorn holding a winning lottery ticket.

      1. Bob the Sourdough Starter*

        I had this conversation with a struggling peer. Her boss really didn’t want to fire her, but she could never work in that role. I told her to go into her evaluation and instead of hunkering down, be honest that it wasn’t working and ask him for help pivoting to a role she actually wanted to do (and was suited for) – she did, he did, and a decade later she was still in that other role, happy as a clam.

    4. learnedthehardway*

      Agreeing – the manager should be honest with the employee and factual that his strengths are X, Y, and Z, but that the role requires A, B, & C – which he doesn’t have.

      I would prepare before the conversation by talking with your manager and finding out some viable options for him within the company. If there are open roles, have a conversation with the hiring manager to say that “Look, he’s not a good fit for my role but he has the aptitudes for your role, he’s a hard worker, and he deserves a chance.”

      Be empathic – it’s going to hurt like heck for him to realize that this just isn’t something he’s cut out for. Provide support and direction – tell him where he should be focusing his career, offer to be a reference to the fact that he’s a hard worker with a good attitude and has strong potential for other functions.

      At some point in the future, your employee will appreciate your efforts to help him find the right career path. He might be upset today, but he’ll eventually get it.

    5. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      Yeah, maybe he is defensive because he doesn’t want to lose his job or that the others are making him feel stupid.

  6. TheBunny*

    OP#2

    I’m so sorry this happened to you. It sounds awful.

    I am deathly afraid of boats so this story was doubly awful for me to contemplate, both in sympathy for you and just horror of having to get on a boat at work. Ever.

    I would speak with HR not to get anyone in trouble but just to mention that work event surprises are not a good idea.

    1. Pennyworth*

      Ladders are really hard for me because of some joint issues are not a condition I would need to mention at work. Surprise destinations are fine, surprise modes of transport are not.

    2. duinath*

      …I may be the only one here who really wants the boss to get in trouble. But I do.

      When you’ve gone to the lengths of calling your boss to remind them of your limitations and your accessibility needs, this *should not* happen.

      “I’m sorry,” he says, and yeah, he should be. He should also be ashamed. He should try to figure out where his decision making skills misfired so spectacularly, and then he should take steps to ensure it never happens again.

      When he knows you can’t take a tram, trying to get you on a ladder is beyond the pale.

      OP missed out because of him, because he made a (series of) mistake(s), and that’s not right.

  7. Catagorical*

    Surprises are not at all fun for everyone. I don’t think I could climb down a ladder and would be unhappy at the prospect. And if I had to go on a boat, (that didn’t require climbing) I’d really like to pick appropriate shoes and clothing. Big fail on the company’s part.

    1. Ellis Bell*

      If you’re going to plan a surprise you need to have really flawless planning skills and intimate knowledge of people involved. You also actually have to use that knowledge; OP told them what they needed to know explicitly! They just flat out ignored it because it didn’t fit their idea of a fun surprise. If you’re dead set on surprises (and really all you’re doing is preventing people from planning their involvement/wardrobe and from anticipating something nice, so I don’t really get it except it’s coded as thoughtful) I honestly think you need some kind of fall back plan if there’s a detail you didn’t know/think about, so a surprise cake and champagne are easy things to flex around; just make sure there’s other food and drink options if someone can’t have it. But a boat?!

      1. Worldwalker*

        The planners totally ignored a person with a known disability. They also ignored people who they didn’t know (yet) were prone to seasickness, people with a phobia of boats or open water, people who were dressed totally inappropriately for a boat trip, and people who just hated boats.

        Jump scares are surprises, too, and also not good ones.

      2. daffodil*

        My guess is it never occurred to them that getting in/out of the boat could be a barrier. They thought “riding in a boat is like riding in a taxi so it should be fine” and then weren’t able to reconsider their thought process.

    2. CV*

      Surprises generally only benefit or gratify the *planner* and not the participants or honorees, unless it’s a very short interlude.

        1. allathian*

          Maybe so, but many people who like surprises in general would hate a work-related surprise, especially one that would require them to show vulnerability in front of their coworkers.

          I think surprises are overrated. The only appropriate surprises at work are extra bonuses and days off.

    4. Strive to Excel*

      To me, the surprises that work are the ones where you expect Thing A and then you get Thing A+. In this case, “we’re going on a boat!”, then tell people that it’ll be an ordinary little harbor cruise with food & drink provided. Let people make appropriate arrangements, like letting you know any physical limits & getting seasickness meds. Then when people turn up, it’s not just a little harbor cruise, it’s a fancy yacht with a full fancy buffet & bonus checks.

      But also, don’t surprise people at work! The only good surprises are surprise bonuses.

    5. pagooey*

      Possible future top-ten post for Alison’s consideration: worst work “surprises”! (Granted, I am talking about disappointing morale events, not the surprise of getting canned, say.)

      I worked for a Gigantic Tech Company in its youthful heyday, and they once invited us all to a very important team meeting…then ushered us back out of the conference center and onto buses, to the local multistory video game emporium, for ~4 hours. Because we’d been led to believe it was an urgent business meeting, most of the people who would normally carry a purse or bag hadn’t brought it with them to the departure point, so a great many of us were trapped all day, watching our more (?) coordinated colleagues attempt Dance Dance Revolution, in the gamingplex that smelled like fryer grease and, somehow, feet.

  8. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

    OP2 (inaccessible offsite event) – not much solidarity in this team! 25 people looked on with pity and not even one of them said “you know what, I’ll sit this one out as well and keep OP company” – I would have once I realised what had happened (not clear if the team mates knew already about OPs disability, which sounds like it is fairly visible but it wasn’t clear if the team work in the same workplace).

    I think OP should bring this up with the boss again in their next 1 to 1 (I bet the boss won’t): “I just want to talk about what happened at the x event. I was really disappointed that even though we’d had conversations about my feasibility, taking taxis etc that this was overlooked. It wasn’t just the indignity but also I missed out on the award ceremony itself, which was recognising work I had contributed to. How do you think that affects morale…?”. It puts OP in the position of having to manage everyone’s feelings.

    If it is an externally organised event, is it too much of an overstep to reach out to the organisers directly and express this? Do they arrange a lot of events or is this kind of a one-off? Is there any kind of professional body associated with it?

    2. Chocolate Teapot*

      I got the impression that the OP and the team don’t have much in person contact, so the disability isn’t obvious when on videoconferences or similar.

      1. Pastor Petty Labelle*

        It would have been obvious in the moment. She walks with a cane. You could see how that might be a problem with boarding a boat.

        Goodness even museum ships usually have wide boarding bridges and even those you occasionally seeing them have to haul a vet who walks with a cane along to get them on the boat (the vet WANTS to be on the ship because chances are its one he served on and he wants to see it again)

    3. Ellie*

      They might have been afraid to draw any more attention to it. OP was already embarrassed, and trying to ward off their insulting offers to carry her, by telling them it was OK, she would sit this one out. I’d hesitate to say anything at the time as well, for fear of making it worse for OP, but I’d report it to HR myself once I was back in a position to do so.

      Of course, there’s an equal chance I would take the opportunity to sit it out also, merely because I would not be comfortable either. It would have to be a cash award with very, very good champagne to tempt me into a boat that was only accessible via a ladder.

    4. Seashell*

      I don’t think it can be concluded definitively that they looked on with pity. Maybe they felt badly that LW was put in an awkward position. Maybe they were thinking about how the boss really made a mess of things, as usual.

      Another person opting to sit out seems like it has the potential to make more drama out of the situation and risks seeming like LW is incapable of taking care of themselves for the evening.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        I quite agree, unless OP has seen other signs of them taking a patronising stance towards mobility issues. It’s far more likely they were just dismayed by how much of a doughnut OP’s boss was being, and how he had placed them all in such an awkward position, particularly OP, and that OP did not deserve this guy’s planning skills. If he looked at her the next day with pity.. that one is more debateable because he should have been using the actual word “mortified” and expressing his mea culpa.

        1. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

          > other signs of them taking a patronising stance

          I don’t really think pity is necessarily “patronising” and I didn’t get the impression OP thought they were being patronising. To me it can mean something more neutral like “feel sorry for someone”.

          1. Ellis Bell*

            That’s a fair point, being dismayed/sorry/pitying are all subjective terms, but whichever you land on, I just wouldn’t think this reflected badly on OP at all.

      2. Baunilha*

        Also, some people just wouldn’t know how to react in a situation like this. I’d be one of them: it’s such a terrible position for OP to be in that I’d just freeze and do nothing. (I would say something later, though)

    5. Hyaline*

      Yeah…I feel like at least one person could have feigned motion sickness and chosen to sit out of the boat experience and, say, gone out for dessert or a glass of wine or whatever with LW. But people may not have been aware of what was happening until it was too late, or worried it would draw more attention/make things more awkward for LW. There are really no good answers here except “no more surprise work functions.”

      1. Great Frogs of Literature*

        Yeah, I was trying to figure out what the appropriate response for the coworkers here is. I’m imagining OP hanging back from boarding (ladder! Who thought that was a good idea? What sort of boat company rents out boats to 25-person groups without making it very clear that boarding is VIA LADDER?) so that by the time any of the coworkers realize OP has a problem, they have already gotten on the boat, and may not be enthusiastic about tackling the ladder again immediately (though I suppose it’s possible that this is one of those departments that’s largely young and abled and not prone to motion sickness and no one is wearing high heels).

        There’s definitely a part of me that thinks that all of the coworkers should insist on getting back off of the boat again and having the function on land if not everyone can come, or at least that one or two coworkers should stay back to keep her company, but at the same time that’s making the whole thing into An Even Bigger Deal in a way that a disabled coworker might find utterly mortifying. There’s exactly one person on my own fully-remote team that I feel reasonably confident that I could make the correct choice between making a big fuss around “team events should include the whole team” and letting them go be utterly embarrassed in private. And that’s really hard to vibe check by the point you’re on the other side of a 10′ ladder.

    6. DF200*

      Clearly the whole boat / access debacle could (and should) have easily been avoided in the first place, BUT…I’d love to hear everyone’s ideas about what a good response would have looked like “in the moment”? What should the manager have done (apart from apologise profusely, of course)?

      > Relocated the whole event to an alternate venue (i.e. find a bar / cafe and go there instead)?
      > Stayed behind to accompany the OP?
      > Split the group – half go on the boat and half stay with OP?
      > Go ahead with the boat trip, but save the presentation until a later date when everyone could attend?

      I can’t see any good options here?

    7. anon here*

      Maybe this is just me being socialized as a woman, but I would not bring it up with my boss in the way described above. My default response would be to be upset but concretely, plan around this for the next thing. But if I had already decided to bring it up with my boss at our next meeting, my phrasing would be a much more deferential “Hi! I just wanted to touch base about the boat thing. Of course I was disappointed not to be able to participate or be part of the celebration. I just wanted to mention it now to say that in the future, [specific ask, e.g., ‘I think it would be helpful to run specific activities by me so I can contact the organizer’ or ‘I really can’t do anything that’s not fully wheelchair-accessible’ or whatever the ask is].”

      I would not put my boss on the spot, even if my boss was the one who messed up. I would not potentially mess with my own money (by engendering deserved but bad feelings in my boss, with who knows what downstream conscious or subconscious effects) to honor my feelings.

  9. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

    2. Also disabled and had this happen and it’s a long process to recover from. Makes you feel othered, a failure and by the goddess does it hurt.

    I’d take Alison’s advice and have a quiet word with HR but also embrace your inner battleaxe. We disabled are told by society to be. Nice, to be gentle, to not make a fuss, to be grateful for whatever we’re given and in reality I spend a lot of time masking anger.

    It’s okay to embrace it instead of hide it. There’s a reason there’s Klingon emblems on my cane.

  10. Suze*

    Op2. So I think the manager thought the activity was fine because being on a boat doesn’t seem particularly physically taxing. Maybe they didn’t know about the ladder. They should have apologized of course, but I suspect it wasn’t that they didn’t consider the OP’s needs at all. It’s just that yes, surprises at work are not good, and most of us don’t realize what disabilities entail.

      1. Learn ALL the things*

        And the boss could have checked when booking. “A member of my party has mobility issues and difficulty with stairs and things of that nature, is your boat accessible for disabled people?” would have gotten him an answer and spared everyone a really uncomfortable experience.

        1. I'm just here for the cats!!*

          Except there’s loads of times when people check for disability accommodations, are told one thing and turn up to the place/event and its not what they were told. There’s a British tiktok/instagram influencer who does loads of skits about these scenarios.

          1. Silver Robin*

            I immediately thought of that account! What folks think accessibility is and what it actually is do not match. And that does not even have to be malicious or ignorant (it often is, not denying that). Your building may be “accessible” according to building code and therefore you think, “ah! Yes! We are accessible!” and then actually that code does not account for xyz because it has not been updated in a bajillion years, or the thing that makes it accessible is actually out of order/unacceptable to the visitor, or a dozen other things. Which means that *even if* LW or LW’s boss had been able to call ahead, this same situation could have played out.

            None of which excuses lack of due diligence on the part of LW’s boss. But it does show that the way most of our built environment is not created with accessibility as a priority, nor are such considerations generally taught/understood by anyone not directly facing the issue.

          2. Dahlia*

            Then he says, “Hey, OP, this is what we’re going to be doing. I’ve told them this that and the other thing. Here’s their contact infomation so you can contact them for more details and let me know if this’ll work.”

      2. M2*

        We have an events manager who always checks in writing and goes in Google and you would be surprised how many issues we have had internationally with accessible places and places who say they have an elevator x by x (to fit larger bodies and a wheelchair) to then show up and it be tiny or broken. Or have a business say they have ramps and stair and no ramps! I have only ever seen this issue be internationally though.

        We have now come to an issue where we only do things at major hotels or maybe a museum that we know has accessibility but then we get complaints that we have things in the same places- well it’s because they work with us and are accessible for all.

        I would talk to your manager in your next one on one and speak to HR but I would just ask for no surprises and to make sure people double check that things are accessible.

    2. MCL*

      So if the boss was determined that a boat would be involved, he should have been in contact with the boat company to verify the accessibility of boarding. But honestly, boats are not fun (or even doable) for everyone, nor are surprises.

      1. Cinnamon Stick*

        and the shoes you wear to be comfortable and safer on a boat are not those you’d necessarily wear with a dress or a suit. This event was poorly thought out.

        1. MCL*

          Yeah boat + surprise = not a good idea, even if the boat had been fully accessible to board. Just don’t do surprise events, people. Like, the award could have been the fun surprise, at your fully accessible non-surprising reception to celebrate the end of the week.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I don’t like this comment, sorry. It falls into a pattern of taking an objectively egregious outcome and diminishing it because the actor didn’t meaaaaaan anything by it. “The manager thought the activity was fine… they didn’t know about the ladder… they didn’t realize.”

      If you know you have a disabled participant, it’s your OBLIGATION to move beyond your casual assumptions and take some actual responsibility for the thing you are responsible for. “Oh, how was I to *know* that boats have ladders? I didn’t *realize* that my disabled employee has exactly the disabilities they told me about! Boats SEEM like so much fun! You know, in a funny way, I’m just as much a victim here as the OP.”

  11. JSPA*

    LW5, if you’re worried people will treat you as either “newly available” or “needing to be handled delicately” or whatever else after they ask about divorce, you can emphasize that nothing has changed since they last dealt with you, and make the process sound boring AF, too.

    “Yeah, a while back. Finally got around to making the legal name change. It’s amazing how much paperwork is involved, in getting everything to match up again.”

    (And as a past voting volunteer: if you have made the legal change, and have also moved…and happen to live in a state where voting at a new polling location involves showing ID at the polls…do remember to check what ID is acceptable, and have something that matches your name-as-registered.)

  12. Diomedea Exulans*

    LW1, wait a while – your conclusions might be premature. You hired this team last month. I am excellent at my current job and thoroughly enjoying it, but I started out exactly like this guy. Showing absolutely no talent and on the verge of burnout and by the end of the second month I was thriving. It might not be the case for him, but everyone is different. Wait until the 3 month mark.

    1. SAS*

      Agreed, this seems extremely premature from LW1. I had to go and re-read how much management experience they had because “let me try and shift this difficult-to-manage person from my team because it’s all too hard” is something I’ve unfortunately witnessed from a very fresh team lead that has recently come into my workplace.

      It’s unclear to me whether “experience manager” is more focused on developing the processes or if developing the staff is also a key part of the role. If it’s the latter, more effort needs to go into actually *managing* this person, as in, figuring out how best to communicate with them, keeping them on track task-wise, developing any skills and processes that were under-trained or poorly trained. I assume there are performance review processes in place that would then be the most appropriate time to raise any ongoing performance issues.

      It seems like there is a bit of a personality clash in play, but as someone who has also had an early-career experience of being onboarded into an extremely dysfunctional and unsupportive environment and feeling like it took about a year to find my feet, I feel a lot of sympathy for Tom here.

      1. Emmy Noether*

        They could also try having the sticky concepts explained to Tom by a different person (a training of some kind, maybe? A book?) I’ve seen it before that concepts just Will. Not. Click. with a person, and then someone different explains it, and suddenly it does.

        It could also really be that Tom just isn’t suited, though.

      2. Mad Scientist*

        I don’t know, it doesn’t read as a personality clash to me, nor does it seem to be about this guy being “difficult to manage”. If there truly is a fundamental gap that’s uncommon for people at his level, then I’m skeptical that your suggestions would help. Trying to keep someone on-track task-wise can only do so much if they fundamentally don’t understand the task.

        The LW’s metaphor about an apple vs. snake was particularly interesting to me… Because that does seem like a pretty significant gap, and yet at the same time, the ability to find similarities there could actually be useful in a different role. The LW acknowledges that this guy is smart and has potential, just not in this role, and I’m not sure that they would openly acknowledge that if it was a personality clash.

        There’s a fine line between helping and hand-holding, and a fine line between training someone who’s struggling vs. force-fitting them into a role that isn’t a good match.

        1. MsM*

          The fact OP mentioned Tom also digs in on being corrected makes it sound like there are more problems here than burnout. I suppose it’s possible he’s defensive if the last manager was constantly nitpicking trivial stuff, but this doesn’t sound trivial.

          1. Mad Scientist*

            Yeah, it doesn’t seem like burnout is the main issue here. Although there would certainly be some understandable burnout for someone in a position that they aren’t well-suited for, the solution isn’t the same as the usual solutions to burnout. Someone with the fundamental gaps that the LW describes is always going to be “running to stand still” even for basic tasks that shouldn’t require so much effort.

      3. Happy*

        I mean, it sounds like LW is being very supportive! They think there are other roles at their company that would be a good fit for Tom.

    2. kastanie22*

      It’s probably a good idea to wait for a bit but I would like to point out that while LW1 has been there for a month, Tom hasn’t! According to the letter, he’s been there for (upt to) 2 years and it has gotten to a point where people from his own team and even other teams actively avoid working with him. I think it’s fair to assume that there is some kind of problem that won’t disappear by just leaving Tom alone and waiting it out.

      1. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

        Yes, what needs to be appreciated here is that although the situation is quite new for OP, it has been going on for 2 years for the colleagues who avoid Tom due to him screwing up or struggling with everything he gets involved in. And other people’s morale and general opinion doesn’t get reset by a new manager coming in. I think in the position of the colleagues, if I’d already been struggling with Tom for 2 years and then we got a new manager then still nothing changed, that’s what would prompt me to start looking outside the company.

      3. Paint N Drip*

        As a thought experiment, if we don’t trust OP’s judgment because they’re pretty newly established at the company, surely we can trust the fellow employees that have been working with Tom for several months if not a couple years. Especially if the team has been largely self-managed, I think the actions of the team speak very loudly

    3. mango chiffon*

      I agree that they should give some more time, but if this is a core part of the job and he is fundamentally not understanding it, I don’t know if it serves him well to continue. I had a coworker I trained on understanding the budgets that we managed on the teams we supported. This was like very basic Excel use and importing data from one source to another. I trained her multiple times on the same thing and every time on our calls she would stare blankly, never ask questions, and had no idea where to start even after many examples and prompting. She wasn’t able to do the work even after 6 months of constant support.

      1. Mad Scientist*

        Yeah, I had a coworker like this, and even after being with us for over a year, he still could not independently complete basic tasks. I was involved in training him for several months and saw very little improvement despite constant hand-holding, and at a certain point, we can’t afford constant hand-holding. I’m sympathetic to the fact that people want to learn and that some people need more training than others, but ultimately, we’re a business, not a school. Our priority is getting the work done. And if someone can’t get the work done despite getting a higher level of training than we would normally provide, then they aren’t the right person for the job.

    4. Boof*

      OP says they are experienced and this employee is clearly struggling with the most basic concepts and training worse than anyone they’ve seen – I don’t see why time would improve that much and it seems like it’d be much kinder to alert them about other positions available they’d be much better at if those are indeed available

    6. EventPlannerGal*

      No, the OP started managing them last month – the team has been there for longer than that. It could easily be a situation where the other (not very experienced) team members have spent ages thinking “okay, surely he’ll pick this up soon, just give him a bit longer to get the hang of it” while a fresh and experienced set of eyes can immediately see that that’s not going to happen. Sometimes it takes a newcomer to see how bad a situation actually is.

    7. JSPA*

      The LW’s new; the problem dude’s been there long enough to have entrenched wrong ideas.

      Even if we posit that the problem dude could have thrived under a better manager (which is super-hypothetical, given that his equally green team-mates find him a nightmare)? Yeah, it’s still way, way harder to undo misconceptions than to teach someone who’s a blank slate. (Even an overwhelmed blank slate.)

      Problem dude needs to find a place where his sorts of logic jumps do him a favor (creativity, and all that!), and just as importantly, a place where someone can guide him as needed from day one, so he doesn’t get enamored of bad processes that he’s worked out when left to his own devices.

      And this isn’t just not getting some aspects process; it’s active rejection, over an extended period, of the foundational concepts of his field, regardless of whether they come from his coworkers or his boss.

      If anything, Alison is too nice; the guy needs to hear not that maybe he might be able to pull it off by working harder, but that he’s the sort of bad fit that doesn’t magically re-align, anymore than someone who’s tone deaf should be tuning pianos.

      “Your way of looking at the world is highly in demand among fizz twizzlers, but is considered a real stumbling block for truck fuddlers. If truck fuddling was your dream job, this may be hard to hear, but I’d like to see you try your hand at fizz twizzling or razz buzzling, and would support you in trying to make the shift, if you’re game.”

  13. A person*

    OP2
    I would assume that the boss didn’t do their due diligence and didn’t think about your needs. It was probably one of these boats that go on lakes or on rivers, that don’t require any kind of special clothing and hardly move, and the boss probably thought very little about it. I grew up near the sea, and the boats I’ve taken on the sea have never been the same that I’ve taken for corporate events.
    So I reckon the boss thought that for a “cocktail party boat”, it wouldn’t be taxing. They also probably didn’t think about getting on the boat, which happens a lot with people who don’t anything about boats, so they didn’t ask the question to the boat people.

    So, I don’t love this advice, OP, because it does put the onus on you a bit, but any chance that you could be even clearer next time ? i.e. not saying that you “have difficulty with stairs”, which could be interpreted by someone as “Oh, there isn’t a lot of stairs for that part of the evening, so it’ll work”, but : “If there is more than 5/10 stairs, I won’t be able to join” / “If there is a ladder or any kind of access that is not a flat floor, I won’t be able to join” / “For me to be able to take part in the event, I need to access via car, have to walk by foot no less than [distance], and have available [things you need]”.

    That sucks, but probably if you don’t spell it out, people will generally assume from their (able-bodied) point of view.

    1. Mutually supportive*

      The OP did already say that they have problems with mobility, and the chances of the “surprise” including a ladder are pretty slim – the onus shouldn’t be on them to have to list every possible permutation of things they’re not able to do. It makes much more sense for the organisers, who has all the relevant information about the event, to think “ooh, let me check if that can work for all attendees”

      1. A person*

        Yes, I know that, but unfortunately, this event already happened. Our advice can only be related to what the OP can do in the future, so that’s the one I’m giving.

        1. bamcheeks*

          I think this is exactly the tack to take with the boss, if LW wants to invest more time and energy in it: “Boss, if you tell me the event is a surprise, I cannot possibly give you a list of all the things that might make that impossible for me that includes “I can’t climb up or down a ladder”. If you tell me we’re going on a boat trip, I can phone the company and ask what the process is for boarding, and they can tell me if they’re able to make any adjustments and I can decide well in advance whether that’s going to be appropriate. This is why surprises are completely inappropriate for work activities: they will almost certainly exclude someone, and if it hadn’t been me it could easily have been someone else.”

          1. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

            If the company insists on continuing with “surprise” events, imo it should be a reasonable accommodation for OP (and anyone else with accessibility etc needs) to be told in advance what the event is so that they can contact the organisers, bring needed equipment or whatever.

            1. Gathering Moss*

              Yeah, this is how my work handles things. They like surprise events, but I’m multiply disabled with somewhat complicated mobility issues, so HR tell me in advance what the plan is. That way we can either work out any potential issues in advance, or I can quietly sit things out in the worst case.
              But we came to that accommodation after a couple of events that I very obviously couldn’t participate in (really? A scavenger hunt all over town in the middle for someone permanently on crutches??). I’m grateful they were willing to learn from those, but OP, I know how it feels to have to explain that no, you ‘can’t just….’. That feeling of powerlessness even when you’ve done your best to avoid the problem is so frustrating!

              1. MigraineMonth*

                I’m sorry, but that’s ridiculous. Did no one think to *stop having surprise events* if they were causing so many problems?

                Why would you choose to take on the work of contacting everyone with a disclosed physical disability separately? Is your HR really bored?

                1. Gathering Moss*

                  We’re a medium size company, in my country’s terms, and only have about 100 employees in our region to work around.
                  I’m the only visibly disabled person there currently, and they’ve made a big effort to ensure that whenever there’s activities, there’s a range of levels of physicality involved, which I know has benefited several people who can mask their disabilities at work.
                  Much as I’m sick of having to be the disabled trailblazer in work situations, they truly have done their best to adapt, then re-adjust if something doesn’t work.
                  It’s exhausting, but honestly it’s the best I’ve had in a thirty year career with disabilities.

            2. bamcheeks*

              This seems like such an unforced error, though. Individual accommodations should be made in order to enable people to achieve the key parts of their roles or business needs where no better options exists.

              If you have to to create a reasonable accommodation for something like, “we love surprise parties”, you can just … not have surprise parties. And then you are also creating an accessible environment for people who don’t want to or aren’t able to share their accessibility needs. Accessible environments >>>>> individual accommodations.

              1. Grimalkin*

                Yeah, this is where my brain went too. We had a few different folks upthread mention seasickness, and that’s certainly an example where people probably wouldn’t think to mention that possible issue unless they knew that the event involved a boat beforehand… and also an example where some people might not even realize that they have that issue until after they step on board for what would then prove to be a long and uncomfortable evening…
                Giving a heads-up to those with known accessibility issues just means you’re excluding everybody who might have issues that haven’t been explicitly shared with you beforehand. Just don’t do the event as a surprise in the first place, and then everybody can judge for themselves.

    2. Emmy Noether*

      I think this event will probably serve as a lesson for the organizers for next time.

      I do have the kind of gallows humour and the kind of relationship with my bosses that I could probably say “sooo… how many ladders this time?” before the next event, but LW (quite understandably) doesn’t seem to. They already were quite clear about the limitations this time! I guess they could ask about every event in detail and insist on knowing about surprises, but I really hope the organizers will be more proactive next time

    3. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      Harbor cruise was my guess, and yeah, the ones I’ve been on have had ramps with railings for boarding, but the organizer should have checked. “Is the boat accessible including boarding and disembarking” is a pretty basic question.

    4. Ellis Bell*

      So I agree with your first paragraph entirely, that the boss simply didn’t think it through or look into what a boat trip would actually involve, but I disagree that OP didn’t spell it out: They literally said they “have difficulty with stairs and will need to take direct taxis instead of trams”. There’s no way that could ever mean ‘all types of boats are okay, and I can tackle a ladder and navigate a dock with ease”. However, if I were in OP’s position I would jump straight to explaining that I can’t possibly explain everything, and I need to double check arrangements myself: “Surprises are usually a bad idea for me because there are certain things I can’t do, and other people commonly misunderstand my mobility limitations, or fail to check for appropriate accessibility. I will always need to check the arrangements myself, thanks for understanding.”

    5. Hyaline*

      I think the better firm point to hold on would be “I know surprises can be fun, but they are not fun for me, because I have to plan for a lot of details most people don’t consider. I need to know the evening’s plans or I will not be able to join.” THEN LW could ask about specifics like ladders, uneven surfaces, walking or waiting in lines, etc, or make the calls to investigate for themselves.

      One element I wondered about, too–“accessible” means different things in different places, and the laws vary by country. In some places we visited in Europe, the “accessible” options were…simply not. So LW’s boss doing the investigating could be a problem if he’s relying on certain standards of accessibility, makes a call, is told “yes, sure, it’s accessible” and it’s simply not accessible for LW. Trust disabled people to investigate and make the call on whether it’s accessible themselves.

    6. metadata minion*

      I really don’t have a lot of sympathy for someone planning a surprise excursion including someone with significant mobility disabilities, who can’t do the research to conclude that hey, maybe being on a constantly moving surface (no matter if people experienced with boats think it’s “stable” and “hardly moves”) is going to be a problem for someone who uses a cane. There are plenty of things that are obvious to someone with disabilities that someone who hasn’t experienced that situation just won’t think about. But this is why disabled people have, over and over, written books and websites and videos and other information explaining what accessibility means.

    7. Silver Robin*

      This feels unfair because of what folks have already said about LW being unable to predict what is going to need covering without knowing what the plans are. But also, if LW had never been on a boat, LW might not know what to ask about! I know friends who genuinely thought something would be fine and turns out there was a thing they had never encountered before in that particular context and it turned out not to be fine (not to mention folks who have disabilities that wax and wane).

      These kinds of conversations are supposed to be cooperative. LW’s boss is supposed to also take initiative to make sure there is as clear a picture as possible of what the environment looks like so the LW can provide feedback. And do some research of their own. Ask follow up questions, etc. It sounds like Boss was receptive to LW bringing stuff up, but did not actually take that information and take initiative like they should have. That is on Boss.

    8. Freya*

      To be fair, I think maybe half my (mostly able-bodied) coworkers would be able to get on this boat right now, and at least half of those who can would be very likely to be wearing an outfit to a work event that is incompatible with being comfortable on a boat, even if there wasn’t a ladder. I’m pretty sure that my handbag stash of hairbands would need replenishing after everyone borrowed one!

    9. fhqwhgads*

      Nah. I grew up around boats. I have been on a ton of boats. I don’t have MS and I still would absolutely not participate in a work-sponsored event that required me to get on a boat via ladder. This is alllllllllllllllll kinds of impractical, and I’m mostly surprised no one else besides OP wanted to nope right out of there.

  14. Know it all*

    OP1, if in your discussion you let Tom know the specific strengths that you’ve noticed from him and be explicit about the ways that you think it would suit a different speciality that you can help him move into, I think that puts you in a really good position to have Tom be at least receptive (if not relieved) to hear this and go with the plan to apply or be moved to a different team. People, especially know it alls and people who are frustrated and but determined to succeed, like and sometimes desperately want their strengths and efforts to be noticed, so hearing “I don’t think this suits you but what I think you’d really excel at is ___ because of _____” has a chance of being something affirming rather than something that makes you feel not believed in.

    Take it from an admitted know-it-all who recognises some of Tom’s behaviours in themselves (and is working hard on that).

    1. Paint N Drip*

      I agree, framing is going to be vital to get the message across. He’s working hard and still struggling, I think if OP can throw him a lifeline of a SOLUTION to this struggle it could be a slam dunk for everyone.
      I’ve been the Tom who is simply not cut out for a job and clearly struggling while desperately hoping management ISN’T noticing – if management did notice and the solution was just ‘I’m seeing you fail… improve’ the only way that’s going is towards losing that job, but if that conversation was ‘I see you CAN do xyz and you could do it in this other department’ that would be a saving grace.

    2. MigraineMonth*

      I think everyone who’s feeling ground down and as if they’re failing wants to hear that someone recognizes their strengths. If they also have a lifeline out, that’s amazing.

  15. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

    Crappy boss and crappy coworkers too.
    I’d make a complaint to HR.

    I love boats but if a coworker – even one I’d only just met – couldn’t get on the boat due to disability then I’d not have got on either.
    Also, if several coworkers had done this in solidarity, it would be much more likely that the idiot boss would cancel the boat and switch to a restaurant or something else inclusive.

    1. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      I’ve been on umpteen cruises, but never had to climb a ladder; they’ve always had ramps. Very odd for a business jolly: This excursion was not just discriminatory against the OP but could be a safety issue for anyone in a tight dress, high heels etc

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        This! I tend to wear dresses to work functions. Not great for climbing ladders!

        And I live near lakes that have day cruises. You would have to search to find a non-accessible boat for one of those. Did they book the cheapest charter boat they could find?!

  16. Brit Girl*

    To reassure OP: At old job when someone wanted to revert back to her maiden name, an mail went round saying Jane Brown is now to be known as Jane Green. No one batted an eyelid and we all quickly got used to knowing her as Jane Green.

    1. MigraineMonth*

      Also, when talking about life changes, most people will take their cue from your tone. Yes, capital-d Divorce gets more “I’m so sorry” than “Congratulations!” but if you say it breezily and switch the subject, most people will follow your lead.

      You might want a couple of phrases memorized for dealing with people who don’t get the hint (“I’m fine”, “It’s for the best”, “It happened a while ago”), but most will.

      1. nee: email settings*

        Yeah phrasing I like is “Oh this is a ‘congratulations!” divorce, not an ‘I’m sorry’ divorce, but thank you!”

        (When I learn of a divorce this is always my question to the divorce/e so I can respond appropriately. The question has been well-received.)

  17. AP*

    Lw2, I’m so sorry and hate this for you! A thing that’s really helped me navigate workplace ableism is to reframe it slightly. “Wow they really messed up on this one and don’t even realise, how absolutely embarrassing and shameful for them.” The curse I wish on most ableist adults is that they live long enough to one day really get it.

  18. Triplestep*

    #3: General advice from an Office Designer: Just skip asking people to turn down their music, and jump right to “Please use headphones”.

    Asking them to lower the volume opens you up to future disagreements over whether they have turned it down ENOUGH. Acoustics in commercial settings are weird and unpredictable. Sometimes things seem like they are not that loud to the person sitting right next to the source, but they pick up amplification and tonal changes over space. If you’ve ever been to a beach or pool and heard someone’s low volume music sounding tinny and loud by the time it reaches your ears, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Save yourself the trouble and just ask them to use headphones, pods or whatever.

    1. Mad Scientist*

      Agree, and I personally find it distracting and rude even if the volume is low, so turning down the volume does not help. This is why headphones were invented, folks! Use them!

      1. N C Kiddle*

        Yeah, if it’s low volume my brain will be working to try to make out what it is, which is even more distracting than loud music if I’m trying to concentrate.

      2. Name_Game*

        It’s almost worse when you can kind of hear it, and only hear some the baseline and some of the other lower frequency notes…

    2. Future*

      Totally agree. It’s rarely that the music/phone noise being too loud is the real problem. It’s that it’s there at all. Asking for it to be “turned down” just reinforces in the minds of folks with phone incontinence that some noise is ok.

  19. Jennifer @unchartedworlds*

    LW2, I would recommend developing a script or two for this and practising so you can mention it casually to your team-mates. “Yeah, it was really disappointing to miss the award ceremony. I did tell [manager] beforehand that I can’t do stairs easily.” From a human-being perspective, you shouldn’t have to play down how distressing it was, but it could have tactical & diplomatic benefits.

    One purpose would be, I think it’s useful for your reputation to ensure that your team-mates know he did know beforehand.

    I also think that right now, people might feel awkward mentioning the whole thing: either because they picked up that you felt embarrassed on the day, or just default unsureness of when it’s okay to allude to someone else’s disability. But if you can signal “this is okay to talk about”, it’ll give you a chance to find out what other people are thinking, as well as helping them to get past their awkwardness around it. It’ll give you a chance to gather data on who’s sympathetic and (not the same thing) who has good disability politics.

    You might also find out on the grapevine who else was put at a (lesser) disadvantage, e.g. anyone wearing a skirt, anyone who feels uneasy on boats – you can see from the comments here there are numerous reasons it was a bad idea :-)

  20. Friday Hopeful*

    LW#5 this may not be helpful to you now but maybe it is for someone else. When I was going through my divorce I started tacking on my maiden name before my married last name so people got used to hearing it, like Mary Jones Smith (Jones being the maiden name). Then once it was legal for me to change back to my maiden name I just dropped the Smith and people had already gotten used to Jones. It made the transition, especially in places like LinkedIn, a lot easier.

    1. TooTiredToThink*

      That’s honestly brilliant.

      LW5 just reminded me of a time *years* ago – in my job I dealt with name changes. And one woman I’d never met in person, but that I’d helped her a lot with phone support, had a name change. Probably not the most appropriate thing to do but when we next talked I was like, so your name change – is it happy? or happy! (different emphasis said aloud). She laughed and answered.

      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        Haha, that’s funny! I was thinking that OP could just tell whoever’s asking, “I kicked that guy to the curb!” (Assuming her spouse is a guy.) But that’s not necessarily the most professional response and if OP doesn’t want to get into the WHY of the name change, not particularly helpful. Still, it’d be kind of fun to say sometimes.

        1. Another Admin*

          I started a new job at the same start as starting the divorce process. My name changed about 5 months into the job so A LOT of people automatically said congratulations. I would usually say something along the lines of “well it was actually a divorce, but I’ll still accept the congratulations!” since it was an amicable divorce and I was happy about it! Doesn’t work in every divorce, but it cut some tension during mine.

    2. Cmdrshprd*

      The other thing with the name change is you can change your name legally but don’t have to change your name professionally. You can keep being your maiden name if you would rather not deal with the name change at work.

      Similar to people who get married and legally change their name but keep their prior name professionally.

      If you want to change your name by all means change it, but just wanted to point out you dont have to, ive known several people who kept the married name after divorce.

      1. Jack Straw from Wichita*

        Came here for this–but in the opposite direction.

        I did not change my name when I got married last year (too much work and my last name is WAY better than his), but I go by a hyphenated last name at work, on social media, etc.

        It doesn’t have to be legal–we call people by something other than their legal first names all the time. :)

      2. Meep*

        +1 Growing up my mom got (official) mail for the following names:

        [First] [Middle] [Dad’s Surname]
        [First] [Maiden] [Dad’s Surname]
        [First] [Middle] [Maiden]

        Somehow, it all worked out, honestly. I just kept my last name, because I liked it well enough.

    3. Sam I Am*

      I worked with someone who was going through a divorce and wrote her name as Mary Jones (formerly Smith). That calls more attention to the change, but it was very clear!

    4. Kate*

      The only thing I’ll add here is that people will adjust to your name change faster than you expect. I’ve changed my last name twice in the last 20 years (and may change again? TBD) and a colleague who I’ve known since the first last name told me a couple years ago that he doesn’t remember my prior last name.

  21. Morning Reader*

    I don’t understand why there is a “surprise” at a corporate event. I’m not on board with surprises generally; I just don’t get it. If a gift or an event would be a good idea and please the recipient/participants, what is the advantage of making it a surprise? For the nano-second of possible pleasure the “surprise” element provides? Which 50/50 chance could be not so pleasurable? I’m not against gift wrapping on gift giving occasions, but for events, or things you can’t gracefully turn down when surprised? What is the point? It seems almost sadistic on the part of the giver/surpriser.
    Would there have been any real difference in telling people that the final evening activities will be on a boat? Yes, those who didn’t want to or couldn’t be trapped on a boat for hours with their drinking coworkers could have opted out. In this case, the “surprise” was intentional coercion, in my opinion. OP might have been the only person who couldn’t get on the boat but I doubt were the only person who would have strongly preferred not to.
    Is this a trend in employer activities? If so… why?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      One part is a two-types-of-people thing re surprises–if a person planning the event falls into “The most fun thing about any activity is that it is a surprise” and assumes that the rest of the group wants a surprise. (Statistically speaking, I am sure there are some small work groups where in fact everyone loves a surprise and agrees that it’s the best part of any event.)

      The other part is past experience with people saying “No, I don’t want to a do a (boat/pub crawl/escape room/daring heist),” and so by making it a surprise the planner circumnavigates that person’s objections.

      1. bamcheeks*

        My dad has a Big Birthday in January and me and my little brother are currently doing what we do every five years, which is “talk Middle Brother down from organising a surprise! 300 people! party!” My dad is actually organising his own party for around 25 people at home, and my brother is CONVINCED that he’d be delighted if we secretly booked a venue and invited another 100 people.

        2. Charlotte Lucas*

          Every time we’re watching a TV show or movie and there’s a surprise party, my SO turns to me, and I assure them that I will never, ever throw a surprise party for them.

        3. Coffee*

          If you know more or less who he wants to invite, can you contact them and let them know that birthday boy and you two won’t be there?

      2. Rob aka Mediancat*

        The first one is just clueless and somewhat inconsiderate; the second one is actively malicious.

      3. Sparkles McFadden*

        Yes, I think the surprise element is likely because the boss wanted to do This Fun Thing (using the company’s money) and didn’t want anyone to have the opportunity to object.

  22. Dog momma*

    #2. while its horrible that this happened to someone that is physically disabled, what struck me more were her words of shame ( you have nothing to be ashamed about LW) & pity …this seems to be a separate self esteem issue. I’m sure the rest of the staff were concerned & just didn’t know how to react in the moment.
    The boss is absolutely out of line if he knows you walk with a cane & owes you an apology. I’ve worked with 3 nurses with an MS diagnosis. While everyone is different, and one went from a cane to a power chair & worked til she couldn’t; they didn’t focus so closely on their diagnosis. I suggest an MS support group to assist you with unexpected things that come up in your work/ personal life, for suggestions/ advice in a ” work around ” so its not so stressful

    1. Nightengale*

      You know, I am probably one of the most rah rah disability pride people you are ever likely to meet, and very well connected with support groups. . .

      and I don’t know that my reaction would have been any different. There’s a real difference between having people know I’m disabled (and I give talks on disability where I do disclose some aspects of my impairments, on my terms) and showing up to a suddenly inaccessibility surprise, in front of other people, with my impairments front and center on display and the topic of conversation, and being offered to be carried. My person predominant emotion would be more likely to be anger but there can be some internalized ableist shame underneath as well as worry about how others are now suddenly perceiving me.

      Earlier this week I showed up at a different hospital than the one where I usually work to give a talk (ironically on disability identity and universal design.) I had asked about steps to the stage and told there was an accessible way onto the stage, which there was. What I hadn’t thought to ask about and hadn’t been told is that the hospital had replaced all their elevator buttons with touch screens that I couldn’t use. Because usually I can use elevators in my daily life. So whenever I wanted to go to a conference session on another floor I had to ask conference staff to help me use the elevator. They were very accommodating about it but that didn’t stop some of the “what are they thinking of me that I can’t use an elevator” thoughts running through my head. After the conference ended I found myself stuck on the wrong floor and had to flag down a passerby to program the elevator for me. Off now to write a carefully worded but quite angry e-mail about how they need to post information at the elevators as to how someone can summon assistance and also PLEASE don’t bring this technology to the hospital where I work.

      1. MsM*

        Touch screen elevator “buttons” sound like a nightmare in general, honestly. I feel compelled to write our building team and proactively beg them to never consider it.

          1. Dr. Rebecca*

            Well, they’re not braille friendly, and they’re dependent on electricity/electronics, screen integrity, and everything working perfectly and not being glitchy. A button is a very simple electric mechanism, works perfectly and is easily fixed if it doesn’t.

            1. I'm just here for the cats!!*

              Also, people have service dogs that are trained to use push style buttons. I don’t think a dog would be sensitive enough to use a tough screen.

            2. Missa Brevis*

              I’m guessing they’re also not super user-friendly if you have any kind of tremor or motor control issues.

          2. Hlao-roo*

            Adding on to Dr. Rebecca’s points:

            – Touch screens work best with a certain amount of natural oil on the user’s finger. Bodies tend to produce less oil with age, so older people often have a harder time using touch screens than younger people

            – Text on a touch screen is likely smaller/more difficult to read than the numbers/letters next to a physical button

            1. Freya*

              Reynauds can make your fingers cold and dry enough that some touch screens don’t register that you’re trying to use them. I *don’t* have Reynauds (that we know of), but do have chronically cold fingers and very dry skin, and public touch screens register my touch about 50% of the time. My favourite gloves have the threads that work on capacitative screens, but if it’s not cold, I might not have them in my handbag, or if they’re in the wash I might have a different pair that don’t.

          3. Nightengale*

            The issue I have is a neurological problem with touch screens. I can sometimes tap on large icons if I hold a phone just right. I can’t scroll or swipe or answer a smartphone or interact with screens that are wall mounted.

          4. MigraineMonth*

            I imagine they’re also less user-friendly for those with essential tremor or other disabilities that make fine control/hand placement difficult. If you put your hand on the wrong physical button, you can decide not to push it and slide your hand to a different one. If you put your hand on the wrong button on a screen, that’s considered a tap.

      2. Emmy Noether*

        I don’t know why there’s this obsession with putting touch screens everywhere. Touch screens are for applications where you want it to be able to display a million different possibilities for different situations. Buttons are a robust, accessible, intuitive solution for when there’s a limited, defined number of options to choose from. Such as in an elevator (what, is it a magic elevator that can transport me anywhere in the universe?). I also don’t want touch screens on my household appliances, thank you.

        Rant over (and I don’t even have an accessibility problem with touch screens. They’re perfect for my smartphone, my tablet, and my GPS. I just hate them for nearly everything else)

        1. Silver Robin*

          Household appliance touch screens would drive me batty. I want to be able to knock the button/switch/dial with my elbow or wrist while my hands are covered in whatever it is I am cooking/cleaning. I get annoyed enough having to wash and dry my hands to navigate the recipe I pulled up on my phone…adding it anywhere else in the kitchen would probably have me throwing things in a fit of pique.

        2. Engineery*

          The benefit of a touch screen is that they’re general-purpose human interface devices. Since they’re not designed for any specific purpose, they’re produced in large volumes and thus very inexpensive per unit.

          An array of elevator buttons requires quite a lot of wiring and machined steel and aluminum, and while the manufacturer might have a small number of templates for this, each sales order is going to be specific to a certain customer. The material and one-time engineering costs might be in the thousands of dollars per unit.

          An elevator touchscreen will cost maybe $70, because it’s not actually designed for that elevator, or any elevator, or anything at all. The touchscreen will require software, but that software will be common across every elevator, with only minor configuration changes for different customer orders. And of course, the same is true for vehicles, white goods, etc.

          Touchscreens look sleek and expensive to people unfamiliar with how they’re designed. But they’re almost always the cheapest possible option for the manufacturer. There is no other reason for their ubiquity.

          I hate designing touchscreen products almost as much as I hate using them. :)

          1. Silver Robin*

            thank you for that insight! That explains a lot, and now I can be mad about taking the easy way out alongside being mad about all the other touchscreen issues ;p

        3. I Have RBF*

          Yeah, touch screens and requiring wifi for home appliances is bonkers. I don’t need to access my refrigerator, stove, microwave, washing machine by the internet. I want to be able to control a thing with hot mitts on!

      3. Lady Lessa*

        I want to thank all of you for giving reasons for not wanting touch screen elevator buttons. I was wondering that myself. (I was thinking location as being part of the problem.)

        1. Nightengale*

          oh not to derail too much further but let me say

          they didn’t replace the buttons IN the elevator with touch screen buttons
          they set up a touch screen thing outside the elevator where you have to press the button for the floor you want and then it tells you which elevator to use. It had a supposed accessible alternative where it will read you the numbers and you have to press the button at the right time to choose the floor, which I tried 3 times but couldn’t get the timing right.

          It’s called a Destination Oriented elevator

          1. Silver Robin*

            we have those at the new building I work in, and I hate it so much.

            I cannot get into an elevator with anyone else going up because even if I scan my badge inside (we have to to be able to push the buttons), it does not let me do anything since it is not *my* elevator. If you miss the 5 seconds of display showing where the elevator is, or get distracted and forget, none of the elevators tell you where they are going when they arrive, so you just look for the light and hope you got the right one. It feels so inefficient and frustrating, even if it is supposed to be a safety thing or whatever.

    2. Dr. Rebecca*

      Honestly, if you’ve never been quizzed about your body/its functions by a perfect stranger who is withholding accessibility from you until you answer, or suggesting ignorant workarounds that would actually harm you further…you need to sit this one out.

    3. JustKnope*

      This is a very gross comment! OP isn’t focusing too much on her diagnosis… she’s being realistic about what her body is and is not capable of, and advocated for herself ahead of an unknown situation. The advice OP needs is how to move forward in a professional context, not telling her to chin up.

    4. iglwif*

      Respectfully: No.

      LW2 is very rightfully focusing on how an enormous planning and accessibility fail on her boss’s part unexpectedly spotlighted her physical limitations in a big, embarrassing way in front of her entire team.

      When you know what to expect ahead of time, you can (sometimes / usually) plan workarounds. LW was not told what to expect ahead of time.

      When event planning takes accessibility into account, you can focus on the event and not on worrying about the next accessibility hurdle. LW’s boss did not take accessibility into account (I’ve noted upthread that it’s valid to not have expected the ladder, but he should have ASKED).

      None of us want to spend all our mental energy thinking about our disabilities and diagnoses and physical or non-physical limitations. We are forced to do that in hostile environments like “surprise boat trip WITH BONUS LADDER”.

      1. Dr. Rebecca*

        Srsly, all he had to do was say “we have a team member who requires step-free/level access, is this possible?” and that’d’ve been it.

        1. MigraineMonth*

          There are so many disabilities where just asking for an “accessible” entrance isn’t enough, because there are so many different and granular needs. An accessible restroom stall with railings on the left won’t work for someone with a weak left arm. A space designed for a wheelchair may not fit a powered chair. Elevators are great, but only if you can reach the buttons.

          In this case, though, all the boss needed to do was ask for an accessible boat. The bare minimum of planning or thoughtfulness.

          1. AdrianneF*

            Yup! Its so much more complicated than people know, which is why it’s important to let disabled people make our own choices.

            For example, I’ve worked in a building that installed only ADA-compliant toilets in their bathrooms. Sounds great… unless you’re someone like me where an ADA toilet is too high and so is much more painful to use. On a bad day I’ve absolutely found myself stuck and struggling to get the leverage to get off.

            1. Freya*

              I just measured, and in my sneakers, the shortest ADA compliant toilet height is near the top of my knees, so I’d have to sit on the edge and wiggle backwards to sit down with my feet swinging and then wiggle forwards again when done until I can tip myself off and hope my damp bits don’t touch the actual seat… And I’m only an inch under average height for women in my country! Having no toilets with footrests sounds agonising :-(

    5. Georgina Sands*

      This is a super victim-blaming take, and super weird to boot. “I’m sure the staff were just concerned” – what happened to believing the OP, as we are supposed to unless there is good reason to? Why would you, random internet stranger, know better than OP who actually experienced it? Unfortunately, I’ve experienced something a little bit similar to this, and yes, I was stared at with pity by a fairly large group. Are you suggesting that she has trouble reading people’s faces but you can somehow magically tell over the internet? Why are you assuming that she is an unreliable narrator?

      Plus, I’d like to see how you react in that kind of situation. It’s not a self-esteem issue to feel shame when you are being stared at by a group of people – othered – and excluded, and it’s frankly awful to suggest that with a bit more self-esteem, she would be comfortable with a situation almost nobody would be comfortable in!

      An MS group is also not going to help her magically solve ableism or make being excluded less stressful, or make her boss & coworkers a better person, and is nonsense to suggest that it could. Why are you so intent on criticising OP when the issue is her boss messing up?

      Also – this is a terrible situation to happen to *anyone*, physically disabled or not!

    6. Dahlia*

      “they didn’t focus so closely on their diagnosis.”

      That is a really, really offensive thing to say to a disabled person.

    7. basically functional*

      This comment is so gross. No, the solution to ableism in society is not for disabled individuals to have better “self-esteem” and stop “focusing so closely” on being disabled.

  23. Falling Diphthong*

    OP1, if you’re able to do the “Path 1 isn’t working; I think you could excel on Path 2” approach, make sure to build in some time for the employee to reflect on this feedback. In such a situation it’s normal for him to be stuck well down in the mindset “The only way out is through; head down, bull forward, eventually this will work.” And so his response in the moment is likely to be what you predict, insisting that he can’t give up. Sometimes brains need a couple of days to see the new possibilities rather than stay stuck.

    (I suspect L2 illustrates this, where they had a plan and, when it failed short term, got very invested in trying to force that plan to work, rather than reflect on whether it could work.)

  24. Four Lights*

    OP2:
    Why do people think grown adults would be okay with being carried like a toddler, especially by a stranger.

    If they thought about it, I doubt they would want it to happen to themselves, so why do they think someone else would be ok with it.

    As others said, your company screwed up. I know someone with knee replacements who couldn’t have done the ladder. I would have been seasick without meds.

    1. Four Lights*

      What if someone were secretly pregnant, slipped getting on or off the boat and had to visit a doctor abroad to check on the baby?

      Just another way this idea could have gone wrong.

        2. Juicebox Hero*

          LW had travelled internationally to go on the trip that the boat trip was the culmination of.

        3. mango chiffon*

          OP mentions this was a work trip abroad and they live in a different country than the boss

    2. misspiggy*

      And what might have happened had one of the untrained carriers slipped and caused the OP injury. It’s so obvious that that the boss just didn’t want to think about any of this because an evening on a boat sounded exciting and they didn’t want to give it up. It’s a serious neglect of their managerial responsibilities and I’d be feeling so unsafe at that company if I were OP.

      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        Added to this, carrying a full-grown human being – or so I’ve heard – is actually *really* difficult. I listen to some podcasts by actors about the TV shows they’ve worked on and one of them mentioned once that if someone has to carry another actor, it’s usually considered stunt work. (And no, I don’t know how they actually accomplish this.)

        I have taken wilderness first aid a few times and I know that carrying an injured person out of the woods can take about 20 people, because it takes at least 6 to carry the litter they’re on and people can only carry for so long before they get exhausted. Now, I know that carrying someone up a ladder wouldn’t be nearly as long and the terrain not nearly as difficult as carrying someone in the woods on a rough and uneven trail, but carrying someone *near water* up a ladder is probably very risky, even if that person were trained for a ladder carry.

        1. allathian*

          Yeah, the only more or less safe way for a trained person to carry another adult on a ladder is the “fireman’s lift” where the person being carried has their hip bend over your shoulder, with them upside down facing your back, and you hook your arm behind their knees. That leaves your other hand free to grab the ladder. It may be safe, but it certainly isn’t dignified.

  25. Heck, darn, and other salty expressions*

    LW 5, I’ve also been in the position of taking back my maiden name after a divorce. In my case the divorce was painful and unwanted, which made dealing with comments and questions more difficult. One of the worst things was being told “congratulations” after informing a coworker of my name change. Several people assumed it meant I got married! That pushed me to inform co-workers of my recent divorce as part of telling them my “new” name. Responses to that ranged from “what happened” to an awkward “oh” to an unwanted lecture from someone who knows I have kids on how awful and selfish I was for not keeping my ex’s name for the sake of my kids and if that name was good enough for my kids it was good enough for me! My response to that was my ex had decided to “give his name” to someone else and I don’t share! If I’m not Mrs Ex I don’t want the “honor” of the title. Fortunately most people are civilized, even if they are a little nosy.

    2. Jessica*

      Just as a counter-example, I sent out a company-wide email when I got divorced and went back to my maiden name (small company of around 50 people), and I think I got back one supportive email. The social media manager also emailed me to tell me she had changed my name on our external website, which I appreciated. Otherwise, nobody said anything. In an email, most people won’t feel like they *have* to respond.

    3. Ali + Nino*

      OMG what is wrong with people and their unsolicited “advice”! So sorry you had a to deal with that.

    4. Emmy Noether*

      I didn’t change my name upon marriage*, and I’ve had “concerned” people tell me that I’d HAVE to do it when I had children. Pissed me off every time. First of all, who says they won’t have my name? Second, it’s never actually been a problem for my siblings and I to have a different name than out mother, or me than my children, except for having to listen to nosy traditionalists.

      1. cchrissyy*

        i felt that pressure and after a few years after marriage i finally made the change because of a baby. but i couldn’t get used to it. hated every time the name came up. changed it back!

      2. anon here*

        This must vary (by region?)–I kept my name and I literally never had anyone give me a hard time. I think a few people asked if I was changing it and I just said, “Nope, I’m all squared away with the name I already have.” (Like asking if I needed a spoon at a place setting, and I wasn’t having soup, was the tone I was going for.)

    5. Industry Behemoth*

      On the opposite side of Mrs. Ex, many decades ago an advice columnist heard from a man whose ex-wife had continued going by “Mrs. John Smith” after their divorce. She was terrified of being publicly identified as a single woman again.

      John was now remarried, and really wanted his ex to stop calling herself Mrs. John Smith. He asked the columnist if there was any way he could get her to do it.

    6. Bitte Meddler*

      I would have loved to have seen that busy-body’s face if you’d said, “You know what? You’re right. I’m going to call my lawyer right now and get the process started to change my children’s last name to mine. Thanks for the idea!”

      1. allathian*

        That wouldn’t fly here. In my area, you can’t change the name of a minor who’s 12 or over without their explicit consent, and younger kids have to be consulted about a name change. Generally, if a kid’s mature enough to understand that they have a name, they’re old enough to be consulted.

        Besides, the name you took upon marriage is not just your ex-husband’s name, it’s also your children’s name, and they may be attached to it.

        While I think that remaining married “for the sake of the children” is pretty much never a good idea, I also think that it’s better to avoid disrupting their lives as much as possible. Don’t force your kids to talk about the breakup of their family at school by changing their name even if you change yours.

  26. Delta Delta*

    #2 – I’ve been on these boat cruise things, and have never had to use a ladder. This makes me think whoever coordinated it was likely not aware that it wouldn’t be a ramp or other way to get on/off the boat. This doesn’t make it better, but may be an explanation. Also, to companies – stop with these things. If you want to have a celebration with a recognition toast, or whatever, do it on dry land. People get seasick. People get claustrophobic. People want to leave sometimes, and if you’re on a boat in the middle of a body of water you are stuck there until the boat returns.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      It’s basically duplicating that murder mystery staple “A group of people are stuck on a small island when things get murdery, and no one can leave.”

      Like, on Leverage, the inability of most people* to escape the boat would be a deliberate part of the plan.

      *Obvs not Parker.

    2. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      That’s precisely why some controlling organisers choose boats:
      a captive audience who can’t just show their face and then quietly sneak off, who can’t leave if they get bored, cold or otherwise fed up

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        I love boats, but some people get motion sickness or are afraid of water. Yet another reason a boat is a terrible surprise, even if it is accessible.

      2. JustaTech*

        Part of the reason that my senior prom was held on a boat was so that the adults could (theoretically) control where everyone was – you were on the boat, not getting up to nonsense.
        I, of course, got seasick, and discovered that several people had snuck up top to smoke weed with the crew. So much for a sober event!

  27. kalli*

    OP5 – Most people who’ve changed their name around me in like the last three years have just started using it and put ‘formerly previous name’ in their signature for a couple of weeks. The only time anything more specific has gone out it’s been ‘my email is now currentname at workplace, please update your address books’. No excuses given – most of them I just deal with through work and I genuinely don’t know if they were married, divorced, like their new name better, socially transitioned or what, just that I now write ‘currentname’ on the file instead of ‘previousname’.

    I actually changed my name last year and I don’t use it at work because our IT is horrendous and I don’t trust them, because one person changed their name (not even their email, just their account name) and their email was broken for about six weeks, but I had to let the manager know for my payslip and tax purposes, and I started using my proper initials in my file ID. I just got asked about it for the first time last week… 17 months later… and they just wanted to make sure they weren’t accidentally deadnaming me, it didn’t even occur to them I might have had a partnership status change!

    So I don’t think you need to tell anyone anything beyond ‘please call me currentname’.

  28. Czhorat*

    The good news for LW5 is that after the initial shift the new name will be pretty much taken for granted. I know the transition might be awkward, but I promise that a year from now nobody will care and a year after that they’ll barely remember the old name.

    I’m not in construction, but am in the A&E industry so I work with lots of construction people; memories for things like this are short, and I suspect most people will take your lead if you give a simple, declarative, “I’m not married anymore, and am going by Smith now.” I know it’s hard, but I suspect you’re overthinking it. I don’t think it’s worth carrying the old name professionally to avoid temporary awkwardness.

    I didn’t change mine when I got married, but did years later after it became clear that my wife wasn’t comfortable with the hyphenated name anymore and we had a closer relationship with her family than mine. It was weird for maybe about a month, but afterwards the new name was just my name, and nobody thinks of me differently.

    1. Dancing Otter*

      #5, the sooner you switch back to your original name, the easier it will be in the long term.
      I didn’t revert when I divorced, because my daughter begged – don’t base life decisions on a 6-year-old’s preference BTW. I really wish I had, because my ex-husband’s name is so common that there are always multiples in every patient or client database. Think Smith or Jones. Even in combination with a less common first name, I’ve thrice worked with another Artemesia Smith; our mail and email were frequently misdirected.
      At that time, I had two former employers to update. I now have eight, plus two licensing boards, professional organizations, hundreds of professional contacts, etc. that I would have to track down and notify.
      Do the name change now.

  29. Parenthesis Guy*

    LW #1: I think it’s a kindness to try and move someone to where they can be more successful. Brutal honesty hurts, but it can be the best thing to do sometimes. It’s not doing him any favors to let him fail.

    Do you have capital with the other departments that do this work? It may be worth talking with them to see if they have an opening and would consider letting Tom move there. It’s one thing to say you should move to another team, but another to say that I talked with so-in-so and this other department and they’d be really interested in adding you to their team.

    If you’re going to do this, make sure that the career path for both these positions are reasonably similar. You don’t want to send someone that’s on a path to have a job that pays $150k to move to a path that’s on path to pay $50k.

    If you can’t do this, then he needs a reset. Try to give him a few week break with minimal tasks so that he regain his equilabrium. It shouldn’t be that difficult since he’s largely useless at the moment. After that, see whether his performance improves. If not, it’ll probably be time to look into putting him on a PIP.

  30. Harper*

    OP2 – I’m wondering if this is a situation where your manager was thinking too generally, as in, “Boat rides are relaxing and not physical,” and forgetting, “Boats are difficult to get into and out of due to all the stairs and ladders.” To me, this could explain why he thought/said he was accommodating you, then things were different when you arrived.

    Regardless, this is a *them* problem and not a you problem. It’s understandable that you were embarrassing – but that’s because *they* embarrassed you! The least they could have done is quietly let you slip back to the hotel without making a fuss. I’m sorry they put you through that.

  31. Juicebox Hero*

    Beyond the mobility issues, there’s a whole bunch of reason why surprise boats are a bad idea. My boss is terrified of open water because she fell off a boat and nearly drowned as a child. She won’t even go in a swimming pool. I get motion sickness travelling in a car on a straight road at constant speed. Boats are a misery. I’m also kind of a klutz and a ladder would kill the deal for me.

    Not to mention issues with balance, inner ear, damp air, and plain old just don’t wanna.

    Don’t surprise people with boats.

    1. CommanderBanana*

      Also, if this is a boat you have to use a ladder to get into (meaning it isn’t one of those large cruise ships that are accessible that are often used as reception venues), it’s very likely you need to have specific footwear. There is literally nothing about getting onto a boat like that that should be a surprise to the eventgoers.

      1. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

        Oh you are thinking – celebratory evening and you wear a skirt that is not dignified to ladder climb and you don’t wear a jacket because it is warmish but then out on the water you freeze.

        Boats should never be a part of a surprise

        1. CommanderBanana*

          “Boats should never be part of a surprise” is one of those maxims we can all live by.

          I can kind of, sort of, seeing this working out of we were talking about one of those big luxury river cruise boats that are basically floating conference rooms, since those tend to be ADA-compliant – at least, the ones I’ve held events on were. They had walk-on ramps, no steps, and the bathrooms are all ADA-compliant. Those are also $$$ to book.

          1. JustaTech*

            I recently watched a video about river cruising and the vlogger said that it’s quite common on smaller river cruises to have to walk *through* another cruise boat to get to land (basically you end up parallel parked) and that this can make the cruise much less accessible for people with mobility issues.
            Also some of those boats only have internal stairs and not elevators, so obviously not accessible.

            For me, a surprise boat is only half of the surprise for whoever booked it. The other surprise is how quickly I get seasick.

  32. Anon for this*

    Letter 2 –

    I have major issues walking any distance (severe osteoarthritis in both knees). I have several other coworkers with mobility issues. Management INSISTS on holding holiday parties, etc., at locations where even though there are plenty of disabled parking spots, the actual room for the event is at the very back of the venue and results in a long walk. We’ve brought it up multiple times and it all falls on deaf ears. We’ve finally given up.

  33. BeingDisabledInAnAbleBodiedWorld*

    I arrived at my best friend’s baby shower already in pain from a much longer than anticipated car ride only to find it was in the basement of a church that was only accessible by a half flight of stairs. There was nowhere to wait/sit/be upstairs. There was supposedly a stair lift but it required staff to unlock it and no church staff were present (everything but the basement was closed/locked off). I eventually ended up hurting myself getting down the stairs (I wouldn’t have been able to do that much now, but at the time I had a little more mobility), spent the whole party literally whimpering in pain mostly unaware of my surroundings, and eventually had to figure out how to get back upstairs.

    I use a walker, then and now. It never occurred to anyone that it might be a problem even though all of the folks involved in planning knew me pretty well. They did what was easiest for them and assumed it would be great for everyone (even the car ride was too much, tbh, but they chose a location most convenient for them and not most of the attendees).

    People are thoughtless.

    Here’s a work example. My first day at a new job in Back Bay (Boston) my boss insisted that I and the two others who started the same day walk to the new Apple Store to buy our laptops. I wasn’t able to decline despite using a walker. I strapped on a backpack so I could carry my purchases since I didn’t have the side carry bags I’d normally use if shopping (they are not professional looking and I had no plans to shop that day). I was told it was about 2 blocks away, maybe a 5 minute walk. 6+ blocks and 20 minutes later we arrived. I was in pain. We made our purchases and I put everything in my backpack. The weight of it when I put it on made me topple backwards and literally fall over. It took me 20+ minutes to get up and I was in massive pain for a few days (it was normal, expected pain – not an injury). I still had to don the backpack and walk back to the office.

    I worked on the 14th floor of a building that was supposed to take disabled folks out by elevator in case of emergency. There was a small electrical fire on the 13th floor and they decided they wouldn’t use the elevator. I was forced to evacuate down the stairs. I did not yet use a walker, but already had issues that made stairs problematic. I was very slow, needed to hold on to both sides of the railing, and had all sorts of issues with people trying to rush past me and not caring they were pushing into me. Eventually building staff came and told me I had to wait in the alcove on the 11th floor until everyone else evacuated. I assumed they’d then take me down the freight elevator, but no, I still had to walk down the rest of the stairs (and the egress from the stairwell was actually one floor below ground). It took me over two hours to evacuate.

    I worked in that building four more times since then. They instituted more rigid and appropriate procedures thanks to my experience, but I still had two evacuations where it was clear they forgot to pick me up at the freight elevator (they again changed the procedure so it stops at every floor on the way down).

    I worked at another building that didn’t understand why I couldn’t use the stairs to evacuate (I was using the walker 100% of the time by then). I went back and forth, back and forth, and they eventually told me to wait in the small landing inside the fire doors until someone came to either tell me it was safe to go back inside or we had to evacuate. I told them I’d still need to use the freight elevator or whichever one was fire rated. It never came to that, but I’m not convinced I wouldn’t have been left on the ledge with folks thinking I was just being too stubborn to leave.

    It is very common to run into bus drivers who won’t let me use the ramp to board. I’ve run into inspectors (the people you call when you have a problem on public transit) who think the disability symbol means it’s reserved for wheelchairs. I’ve had subway drivers tell me I would break the ramp and ruin it for people in wheelchairs who really need it when I’ve told them I need it.

    Many doctors don’t understand the constraints of having to use public transportation instwad of driving or being unable to lift things or many other things that it’s difficult or impossible for me to do. I got told just do X, y, or z all the time as if it were something that I could do in 5 minutes on a whim because they can.

    People, including lots of people who should know better, do not understand disability. And don’t get je started on variable ability/making distinctions between cannot do at all, cannot do without extreme pain and subsequent inability to function, cannot do without extreme pain that will pass, can do but will pay the price later, and can mostly do it if I’m careful.

    2. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      Hear, hear. I am fortunately not disabled, but my late wife was. Initially it was a cane, then a walker, then finally a wheelchair. People don’t understand at all.

      And I’m going to include myself at that. I once planned (with her concurrence) a trip to a day spa. Because of my previous experience with day spas (where they’re in an business type building), I didn’t think to ask. It turned out this spa was in a former house, with all the difficulties that implied — think step up into a room, etc…

      Since someone like me — completely aware of my wife’s limitations — can screw up that way, I can imagine the h*ll that OP2 and other mobility limited commenters go through.

      My own personal “Rule 1” applies here. People are idiots (myself included). And unfortunately, they’re never going to change.

    3. Bookworm*

      I think I remember reading about multiple disabled individuals, including at least one in a wheelchair, ones that were specifically mentioned, that were unable to evacuate the World Trade Center on 9/11. :(

    4. I Have RBF*

      This. All of it.

      While I’m lucky in that I only need a cane, not a walker, my limitations are similar. I can not walk very far. I am very slow on stairs, and very unsteady. My balance sucks, I can’t use my cane and carry things too without a backpack, etc.

      Fire alarms in tall buildings freak me out. I can’t get down stairs at any speed, and am terrified about being pushed down by people in a hurry.

  34. HonorBox*

    OP4 – Please, please, please say something. You now have specific information directly from people you know about a person that the hiring team only knows a little bit. If this candidate resigned, they may have negotiated a neutral reference from previous job, so even a reference check may not uncover their foul behavior. Saying something shouldn’t feel dramatic or like you’re stirring the pot. You’re sharing pertinent information. You COULD add, if you wanted, that you’d be uncomfortable reporting to someone who uses abusive and racist language.

    I agree that skipping the micromanaging part is probably helpful. That’s harder to quantify. And you don’t even need to share that they resigned before being fired. Just report that you have spoken to friends who reported to this person before and they raised concerns about the abusive language and racial slurs.

    If I was on that hiring committee, I’d definitely want to know.

    1. Web of Pies*

      Yes, TELL THEM PLEASE!!

      My last company hired a truly awful person, who wreaked havoc on the department, was totally chaotic, was a methodical bully, a literal criminal, and caused many people to cry and/or quit. Unfortunately for us all, management knew he was going to be problematic and hired him anyway because the decider was charmed by him.

      I personally had several panic attacks related to this person. Tell them what you know, you owe it to your own peace and your coworker’s. I have my fingers crossed for you!

    2. Hot Dawg*

      Yes, thirded! I worked for a boss like this who was allowed to quietly resign rather than be fired and, as a result, got re-hired very quickly at a similar organization. I feel terrible for those employees and wish I’d had a chance to tell their hiring committee what I knew. OP4, you could be saving many people from a terrible experience; please share your information!

  35. Lizzo*

    That’s not the point. The employee is already defensive. A test like this can provide some “neutral third party” feedback which may be better received than OP sharing his opinions.

  36. fine-tipped pen aficionado*

    For OP5 – Not advice just sharing my own experience in case it brings you reassurance. I changed my last name just for fun. I did send an FYI to folks outside my org who were in my contacts that my email address had changed and literally no one asked why. I didn’t say anything about it to folks in my org because the contact info was updated automatically for them when IT updated my email. A couple people asked me if my name had changed and I said “Yes, it’s Jane Tyrannosaur now.” with no additional details or explanations. No one asked other questions, but I will admit the name I chose is unusual and maybe the comments on how cool it was distracted them from interrogating me about whether I’d recently gotten married or divorced. Either way, it was never a big deal and I hope you have a similarly underwhelming transition.

  37. CorgiDoc*

    OP2 – I think a big part of the problem (in addition to all the other issues previously mentioned) is that a lot of physically able people think about accessibility in terms of “is it physically possible” not “is it comfortable, safe, dignified and humane”. I can see the manager thinking something along the lines of “getting on might be a challenge, but we can have a couple guys pick OP up and move her and once she’s onboard it won’t be so bad” and not realize that while physically possible that’s not an acceptable solution (and is definitely not accessible) for anything short of “we’re in some sort of disaster scenario and this boat will bring us all to safety”.

    1. Dr. Rebecca*

      Yup. When I mentioned that my students would have to evacuate a building emergency without me because I can no longer use the stairs, so many well meaning people were like “oh but they would carry you!” Um, that’s REALLY dangerous, and also no.

      1. I Have RBF*

        Seriously. The only thing worse than stairs is people “helping” me down stairs at their pace and method. It’s dangerous. I weight enough to hurt someone if I land on them, as well as hurting myself.

        I wish that there was some sort of stair descent battery powered gadget that I could just sit in that would let me go down stairs quickly and safely. Sure, it might need the elevator to get back up, but that’s fine.

  38. Jack Straw from Wichita*

    In my experience, people are exceptionally chill about name changes.

    I went back to my maiden name 7 years after my divorce, and no one batted an eye. Some asked if I’d gotten married or divorced, but it was an easy, “Nope, just going back to my maiden name because I realized I prefer it.” (And I worked with teenagers at the time who are notoriously un-smooth and have few boundaries. lol)

    1. Charlotte Lucas*

      In this case, working with teens might have been on your side. Kids that age are always trying out new identities, trying to figure out who they are/want to be. It probably made you more relatable.

      1. kalli*

        First time I ever knew someone whose name changed was in year two. We all came back after summer holidays, teacher said “Maria Smith is now Maria Lee”, we still had three Marias (Maria M, Maria L and Maria B), and everyone cared more about whether we’d get the bus or have to walk to swimming lessons.

      2. Jezebella*

        Ain’t that the truth! When I taught mostly art majors, I had a few kids every semester who were trying on new identities – some permanent, some temporary, some gender-based, some just artsy – and wanted to be called by a different name. You just have to roll with it. Their peers certainly did.

  39. Phony Genius*

    On #5, just don’t do what one of our higher-ups did. She changed her name back, but didn’t tell anybody, except IT. So, they changed her email address without telling anybody else. When we saw e-mails come in the first day from a name we didn’t recognize, we didn’t prioritize them. She got upset that we didn’t know this was her name now and expected us to just know without being told.

    1. Aggretsuko*

      Well, I just found out that one of my doctors changed her name upon marriage. First AND Last name. I couldn’t message her the other day and I could only find access to message “Lucinda Abernathy” rather than Jane Smith. I emailed “Lucinda” in case Lucinda was her boss, asking if she’d left the practice. Nope, same person…but total name change just confused the heck out of me.

    2. Margaret Cavendish*

      My organization is doing a big phishing awareness campaign, and one of the first things we’re taught is to be suspicious of emails coming from people we don’t know. Phishing scams can be very sophisticated, to the point of looking like they come from your boss or a colleague, but something just seems a little “off.”

      So never mind deprioritizing the email – if I got an email from somebody @mycompany.com who seemed a little bit like my boss but not quite, I would probably report it as phishing! And although they’re both in IT, the cybersecurity team doesn’t work closely with the team who manages email addresses, so it might take some time to sort out.

  40. kilda*

    OP5, I went through the divorce name change years ago. People would notice the name change, and congratulate me thinking I had gotten married. It didn’t bother me but people always felt so bad like they had said something wrong. I got used to saying something along the lines of “actually, it was the other direction, but it was a good thing so I’ll take the congrats.” A little humor went a long way.

    1. Hellebore*

      This! I finally changed my name back to my birth name, 6 years after my divorce, and either I’d mentally accept the “congratulations!” as “yep, congrats on ditching my a-hole ex,” or, if I had a relationship with the person (I work in a public library, so lots of random comments), actually vocalize it with the humorous note of “nope, other way!”

    2. Artemesia*

      I took my name back when I divorced 54 years ago and yes, the first thing everyone who didn’t know me well said was ‘Congratulations, when did you get married’ — I think people are less likely to do that now. I’ll never know as I kept my name in my second marriage which just clocked 52 years.

  41. Cacofonix*

    OP2, I would like to think that if I were a member of your 25 person team and I had worked with you enough to know you even a little that I would have stepped in to ask you to join me in going to dinner to celebrate the week separately. A, so you didn’t have to suffer being gracious alone at this awful misstep, B, because I would have been annoyed at the thoughtlessness of the organizers to both ignoring the accommodations needed and keeping it a secret. And C, because being trapped on a boat in a celebratory group is frankly nightmareish for introverts who have been putting on their game face all week. In my view, they should have told everyone, so at least people could have noted concerns or bowed out before getting to the dock in the first place.

    I’m sorry this happened to you. Secret locations and activities might sound fun, but jeebus, managers, don’t do it!

  42. Sara without an H*

    OP1, I like your idea of trying to steer this employee to a different type of work within your company. That said, you really, really need to brief your own manager and to consult HR before you take any action. HR may have some requirements both for performance improvement plans and for internal transfers. Make sure you know of any requirements or constraints you’ll have before you sit down with the employee.

    I think you’re a very capable and compassionate manager. Please update us and let us know how it works out.

    1. HonorBox*

      Great reminders. Having the information will guide the conversation the right way. And knowing that HR/manager have OP’s back will help if the employee does get defensive.

  43. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

    OP1 – I have 2 good questions that I ask people like Tom early in the process – like when they ask for a transfer or to work on a new project/role. It might be too late for him now, but maybe there’s a way you can apply them.

    1) What do you think this role encompasses? What kinds of work are involved, what are the results/outputs?
    2) What skills or aptitudes do you have that you think make you well-suited for this role?

    Maybe he needs something like that to pull him up from his “just keep shoving and eventually I’ll get there” mindset and to reconsider his plan.

  44. Jane Bingley*

    I’m so sorry, OP2. That’s awful.

    I would strongly encourage you to take on messaging that surprises are no longer acceptable and you, at the very least, need to be fully looped in on events ahead of time in the future. Messaging like:

    “In the past, I’ve been assured surprise events were accessible and that wasn’t the case. It was extremely uncomfortable for me and everyone involved when we arrived and realized I couldn’t participate due to inaccessibility. I need to understand the entire nature of the event and be able to contact the hosting organization to confirm that I will be able to participate. I understand why we want it to be a surprise*, but our company can’t keep violating the ADA, even by accident.”

    *I don’t actually understand this at all, but it might be heard as generous.

  45. Finally successful at 54*

    I wanted to add a different perspective.
    I went to school for 7 years for my field and I was an A student. I studied/school non-stop for several years and upon graduation, I thought I was ready to take on the job world!!
    Well, instead of doing an internship or real job experience, all I did was study.
    Anyway, I was let go from my first professional position.
    I took a step back and went to work for some companies that would allow for entry level.
    Now, I am where I want to be and happy.
    My point is, getting redirected was the absolute thing that happened to me because I learned real world experience and what I was good at doing. A bit of humble pie was the trick for me.

  46. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

    OP5 – you can also just say “I’ve discovered using my maiden name is just easier” People will assume that credentials or something got stuck with the maiden name and go with it.

  47. Speak*

    For LW #3, we recently moved our office space around from and upstairs, carpeted room with large cubicles in a typical 2000’s office format that had good sound deadening to a newly built ground floor room with a faux-wood tiled floor, small hot-swappable height adjustable shared desks, and absolutely no sound deadening. When we are on teams meetings, you can hear any noise going on in the office now when before it was almost dead quiet. If someone was playing music and not using their headphones, our customers would be able to hear it when we were on conference calls, so it has come down from above that we all must use headphones or turn off all sounds coming out of our computers. I don’t know how much any of your team is on teams or other conferencing calls, but this former supervisor’s music may be affecting the calls & that could be used as an excuse to have someone (you, a manager, a coworker) recommend using headphones to the former supervisor.

  48. Margaret Cavendish*

    For OP2, this is such a great example of how accessibility is for everyone! There are all kinds of reasons that people might want to know ahead of time if they were going on a boat.

    ~People with less severe physical disabilities, who might be able to handle stairs just fine but can’t do ladders
    ~People who get seasick
    ~People who have phobias of boats or water or confined spaces
    ~People who might need to leave the event early for some reason
    ~Everybody would want the ability to dress appropriately – not just flat footwear and pants instead of skirts, but do they need a sweater? Something waterproof? Hat, sunscreen? Will it be windy enough that people with long hair would want to tie it back?

    Some of these are needs that would probably always be disclosed, like OP’s. Some of them, like phobias and seasickness, you wouldn’t necessarily disclose in an office situation, but you might if you knew you were going on a boat. And some of them, like sweaters and hair elastics, don’t even rise to the level of “disclosure” at all – they’re just something you would bring if you knew you needed them.

    Sharing information ahead of time would make the event more accessible to OP – or at the very least, it might give her time to gracefully opt out. (Which is still not great, because she should have been included to begin with. But better than an unpleasant surprise in front of all her colleagues when it was too late to change plans.) And it would also make the event more accessible to everybody, by allowing them to plan ahead for their own needs and/or comfort.

  49. Three Owls in a Trench Coat*

    OP 5 – I’ve been divorced twice and changed my name back both times. If I didn’t want to deal with the pity party when asked about it, my response was a breezy, “Just changed my name.”

    “Did you get married?” Just changed my name.
    “Did you get divorced?” Just changed my name.
    “Did you join the witness protection program?” Just changed my name.

  50. Kate Adams*

    OP1: Anecdote: I was on the verge of having to drop a college programming course for the third time because I just Did Not Get It. What I discovered in grad school is that my brain is wired differently, thanks to a professor who told me “you always were a little different”. I don’t just follow the details, I see and feel the big picture. And the more abstract the concept, the easier it is for me. And when I went on to my career (systems analysis and software design, oddly enough), I brought things to the table that nobody else did.

    So I wouldn’t write off your new employee just yet. Of course it’s one thing for a college student to take a long time to get the hang of things, while an employee won’t have that luxury. And he may never get there. But if you’d seen me in college, you’d have said I was entirely unsuited to a profession that turned out to be exactly right. You just can’t predict. I suggest finding out from him just what it is that he sees in that field that you may not be seeing. It may help you judge if there’s anything waiting to be tapped.

  51. Michelle Smith*

    LW5: Seriously don’t overthink it. I have a coworker who changed her last name a year ago. She didn’t volunteer the reason and it literally never occurred to me that it would be appropriate to ask, so I didn’t. The change was exceptionally easy to get used to.

    I have a former coworker from a previous job who changed back to an earlier name after a divorce (I think to her first husband’s name rather than her maiden name? I have an aunt that did that too now that I think about it.) and I just congratulated her and immediately changed her name in my phone. It’s not something I think about anymore.

    We all care about our own stuff way more than other people do. Don’t worry about it too much and other people won’t either (unless they’re batshit in which case, I’m sorry but that’s on them not you).

  52. OMG WERE GOING UNDER THE HARBOUR BRIDGE!*

    In my experience, “surprise” or “secret” 100%, all the time, without fail, means you’re going on a boat.

  53. So I says to Mabel I says*

    I know some people love surprises, but surely enough people dislike them that in a workplace scenario they’re not a good option? There are so many additional dynamics, health issues, religious requirements, general anxieties, phobias, not to mention personal preferences…

    I can’t think of a good reason to make a work event a surprise. Is there one?

  54. Yours sincerely, Raymond Holt*

    If a surprise event is important, why not host an event that is a surprise but anyone who does not want a surprise can ask, and find out details? But they must keep it a surprise from people who prefer a surprise.

    Obviously some people may find out but the surprise being ruined isn’t exactly the worst possible outcome in the world… and generally people would respect it if a colleague said “ooh, don’t tell me, I’m excited for the surprise.”

  55. TDHR*

    Re: The candidate you heard bad things about.

    I would hesitate to say anything to the hiring committee. These allegations may be unsubstantiated? Did you obtain permission to gather information from the candidate from these people/your friends and to provide it to the hiring committee ? If not, you may be breaking the law – and you certainly are in my jurisdiction (Quebec/Canada – Blanket authorizations to contact anyone for references, etc. are invalid here. You contact, and use information from, only the named references. Also, job candidates are entitled to see all documentation, notes, letters of reference, etc. relating to the recruitment process). I would leave everything to the hiring committee and not get involved. It is their responsibility, not yours.

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