someone is always crying in our morning meetings

by Alison Green on October 30, 2024

A reader writes:

Can you help me deal with the amount of crying at work I’m dealing with at the moment?

I manage a mid-size team of people who are all very caring and empathetic, and are through and through a great team.

Every morning we have a meeting set up for the day. I’m finding more and more often that I have to deal with someone becoming overcome with tears at this meeting. My team all have their struggles, with health, family, bereavement, and plenty of other genuine personal problems. I find that some members of the team more than others will come to the meeting already in tears, or will become tearful if asked how they are. The meeting will then be focused on that person and their issue until I can, as tactfully and kindly as possible, try to steer us back on course. I’ll follow up with them afterwards to make sure they know I will support them in any way I can by adjusting their workload, giving them flexibility, etc. I get a lot of feedback from my team to say that I am a supportive manager.

But I’m really starting to struggle with this. I make it clear to my team they don’t need to have cameras on for the meeting, and they can message me ahead of time if they are struggling and don’t feel up to the meeting. I know that life these days is HARD and I’ve had my share of difficulties in recent years. But I do feel that this morning meeting is becoming a support group at times. I’m worried that members of staff who I know to have a lot going on in their personal lives, but don’t bring it up in the meeting, feel like they now have to shoulder someone else’s emotions. It is draining for me as well; I am only human.

Is there a nice way to tell repeat criers that they need to maybe skip the meeting if they feel like crying? Should I even do that? I think some of the team really rely on work connections to support them as they don’t have a great network of family and friends.

How do I deal with this? And how can I keep my sanity when I am getting all these emotions dumped on me, even when I’m having a tough time myself?

I wrote back and asked, “Are these daily meetings strictly necessary? That’s a lot of meetings and I’d look at whether they need to be happening that frequently as a first step!”

The organization very much expects us to do this every morning. The meeting can take as little as 15 minutes if we don’t have too much chat. It should just be a quick check-in to capture figures and flag any issues, but can and does get derailed.

First and foremost unless you find the meetings truly useful, see if you can cut down on how often you have them. If you don’t have the authority to do that, can you talk to whoever needs to okay it and explain that not only are they unhelpful but they’re becoming actively derailing?

But if that’s not an option — or if the meetings really do serve a useful purpose — then a few things:

1. Try making the calls audio-only. Not just “you don’t need to have your camera on,” but “we are going to leave cameras off for our meetings this week and see how that goes.” With cameras off, there will be fewer openings for “Jane, you look upset, is everything okay?” and a higher chance of staying focused on the meeting’s agenda.

2. Openly articulate the challenge to your team: “We have a team of empathetic people who care a lot about each other, and many of us have struggles going on outside of work. I love that we support each other, but we’re having trouble getting through our morning meeting agendas. I’m going to ask that we stay focused on work items at these meetings, but if you’re not in a head space to do that on any particular day, please message me that you’re skipping the meeting and we’ll connect later instead.”

3. After laying the groundwork that way, resolve to be more task-focused in the meetings. You probably feel it would be callous to ignore that someone seems upset, but it’s really okay to say, “Unfortunately we’ve got to figure out XYZ right now, but Jane, if you need to drop off this call, you can — and we can talk later if there’s anything you need from me in regard to workload or anything else” … and then move the conversation back to work items. (Similarly, if asking how people are is what tends to bring this out, try skipping that and just say, “Good morning, everyone! We’ve got a lot to cover so I’m going to jump straight in…”)

I suspect that if you try the above for a few weeks, you’ll be able to reset the meeting norms.

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{ 131 comments }

{ 131 comments… read them below or add one }

    1. Janelle*

      SAME…goodness not just the misery of daily meetings but then regular crying? This is serious emotional labor for everyone else each day.

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      1. Tio*

        I would probably feel like crying if I had to do a daily meeting

        But really, this is a LOT of crying for one place. I can count the number of times I’ve had someone cry in meetings on one hand and all but one of those times was one person at one office who had issues!

        It might be worth it if there are repeat offenders to pull them into a 1:1 and let them know about the company’s EAP services, that you’re worried about them, and that you want to get them help if they need it but the team meeting can’t continue to be a place to drop your personal problems or difficult emotions. There’s a time and place for that, and it isn’t work meetings.

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        1. goofball*

          I find this attitude towards daily meetings – often called standups – surprising. They’re so, so common in my field. And as the LW pointed out, are often 15min

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          1. JJ*

            Same. 5-15 minutes every morning. “Here are the priorities for today, here’s what we’re expecting to come in, anyone in/out during the day today, anyone need additional support? Have a great day.”

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            1. Carit*

              Exactly. I think people are envisioning something very different (!), but this is my experience with the first-thing daily.

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            2. Kevin Sours*

              Particularly managing remotely I find them invaluable for discovering issues and getting people help promptly. The trick is keeping them focused (if it’s more than 15 minutes there is a problem you need to fix). The purpose is to discover problems, not to solve them.

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            3. Wendy the Spiffy*

              Same! I read this assuming daily standup — and I wonder if tweaking the prompt questions might also help. At most places I’ve been, the prompts are, “What did you do yesterday, what will you do today, any blockers or needed decisions?” “What did you do / will you do” might elicit emotional stuff — whereas your framing, JJ, of priorities for the day, stuff to know, chance to flag help needed might not bring on emotions in the same way.

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          2. Cabbagepants*

            agree strongly! it’s just a daily check in. as long as people stay on topic, these meetings a very lightweight.

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          3. foofoo*

            This. Daily standups are part of the agile project planning and they don’t have to be intense, long, or in-depth. They’re called “stand up” because no one wants to be standing through an entire meeting so it encourages fast updates from everyone (usually). The goal is to go over what you’re working on and what blockers you might have that others need to help with.

            These sound like daily standups and if people are using them as emotional support meetings as well, it’s long gone off the rails and needs to be steered back. I’d be punching kittens if I had to be shouldering that many emotions that early in the day, dragging out what is supposed to be a short meeting, and blocking my work time. :/

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          4. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

            I’ve had ones we rebranded “Festivus.” Just because they can be innocuous at healthy organization doesn’t mean they can’t be daily torture at dysfunctional ones.

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          5. TKC*

            I have them and hate them. They are repetitive and could easily be done 1-2 times per week instead with zero change in productivity.

            We do not have daily changes in priorities or numbers to share or anything that requires the entire team to share or discuss, so instead everyone has to list the tasks they are doing that day. Such a waste of time and energy.

            I’m sure they could be productive somewhere else. They aren’t in my workplace.

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            1. Slow Gin Lizz*

              I hate them too but my team has gone down to 2x/week scrums on Teams calls and 3x/week “digiScrum” where we just report on our Teams chat what we’re doing. It’s still hard for me, as a new person with not a lot going on, to pretend I’m really busy (and yes, my managers know I’m not really busy so that’s not the issue, I just feel bad that others are so busy and I have a lot of extra time but can’t possibly take others’ tasks off their plates, unfortunately).

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            2. engie*

              Yes, they are very common in my field too, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t terrible. Burnout and depression rates are also very high in my field. If they are “invaluable” it is possible you have a very ineffective team that needs a lot of hand holding, or where people are not empowered to find solutions themselves.

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              1. Great Frogs of Literature*

                They’re less useful on my current team, but on my previous team where we were all working on the same llamas every day, it was a great chance for people to identify potential task conflicts, like, “UHHH– you can’t put Stevie out to pasture overnight; he always rolls in the mud and he’s going to the groomer this afternoon because he’s going to be shown tomorrow.” And if we did dig into a question or problem someone was having, it was more likely to be useful to the whole group.

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          6. Tio*

            I now think it’s probably really position based. I do not have enough to tell people in my job to do a daily meeting, but thinking about project management type positions, I can see why it might be more useful. But in a lot of office desk jobs, there just aren’t that many day-to-day changes or issues that require everyone get together, and if we tried to force it then we’d just be wasting that time.

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          7. Caramel & Cheddar*

            I think it depends on the kind of work you do. I know this is super common in some types of project management, or in places like call centres or with big scheduled shift changes, etc. but in a lot of workplaces this would be really burdensome and unnecessary. Very much a “know your sector” thing, and I hope for LW’s sake that they’re in one of the areas where this is an incredibly normal thing.

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          8. LL*

            Yeah, I think there might be an issue with how these meetings were framed for staff. They’re supposed to be check-ups on how WORK is going, not how your personal life is going. Maybe clarifying that will help.

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          9. Lana Kane*

            Very common in healthcare. At my employer they’re called huddles. When I was in departments that held them (usually clinics and other patient-facing areas), we’d just cover staffing, whether anyone needs help, what’s on the docket for the day, and identifying any red-flag issues that need resolution. No one loved them, but they can be necessary.

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          11. metadata minion*

            It really depends on the field. In my office, since most of our work is solitary, it would be incredibly weird. Everyone would pretty much go “well, still working on Projects X, Q, and C, and don’t need any help”, and if someone does need help, they ask in the moment or post in Slack or add it to the weekly unit meeting.

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        1. Guacamole Bob*

          This really depends on the office, the level of collaboration needed among individuals, the speed with which work changes or new work comes in, whether coverage is needed, etc.

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    2. Frosty*

      Yeah this is a lot… I’d hope that OP can change this office culture. Regardless of what is going on, this much crying is not helpful to the group as a whole.

      When I’ve been going through extremely difficult personal circumstances, the last thing I want is to start crying in a meeting (or hearing other people crying) – often I’d be at work hoping to actively get a break from tragedy unfolding outside of it.

      Sure it might happen occasionally but so frequently would actually upset me as an individual, making work into an extra sad place instead of a (hopefully) neutral/good one.

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      1. Angora540*

        I couldn’t handle the regular crying / support / therapy that is going on. It would derail my treatment for depression. I strongly agree with Alison about the EAP services being pointed out. Can employers require that their employees make an appointment through EAP? Especially the individuals that bring their issue to the meetings on a regular basis. I have used EAP in the past for counseling, stress management, etc., over the years. We get four sessions which I think is a low number. Especially if the major stressor is your supervisor / work.

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    3. Momma Bear*

      Same. Sounds like what they need is a scrum style meeting. What’s new, what’s in progress, any blockers? Done.

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  2. Not A Cryer*

    Let me just say as a person of stoic nordic background who was not raised to feel their emotions, being in this meeting would make me extremely uncomfortable! There’s probably someone in the group wishing they were anywhere else and wondering how they’re going to get their work done in this emotional minefield. So if you’re feeling overwhelmed at the thought of “shutting down” the cryers, perhaps you can be inspired with empathy to the non-cryers who may not speak up about how uncomfortable they are. Also, I tend to find in office culture there’s often one or two key people setting the tone. They may not be a cryer themselves, but the first to derail a meeting asking the cryers what’s going on. I wonder if you could approach them and problem-solve or find a way to kindly express that the current system isn’t helping/working/sustainable.

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    1. RussianInTexas*

      It would make me so extremely uncomfortable as well. Plus, you have someone crying at EVERY daily meeting?

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        1. RussianInTexas*

          OK, I see it now. It still sounds like these are different people (not the same person going through a bad time), but different people and often.
          This just sounds like a lot.

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          1. Chairman of the Bored*

            I had the same impression you did, the “always” in the title overrode the details in the letter.

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    2. Tech Industry Refugee*

      It’s funny because I am the opposite. I don’t do well in environments that are emotionless, in which I can’t confide in or befriend people. I would love to be on this team that is so open with each other!

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    3. Richard Hershberger*

      Yup: Is there a bone sticking out? No? Then rub some dirt on it and get back in there! These are my people. I’m not saying this is without its down side, but it does mean that we can hopefully get through the meeting quicker.

      On the other hand, I have sat through more than one church meeting where someone of extremely northern European heritage stands up and asks why there is so much in the budget for postage. So perhaps it doesn’t lead to shorter meetings overall.

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      1. Sloanicota*

        Haha I was in a book club like this once. “Why does every book club meeting end in tears?!?” I would wonder. It was just a weird dynamic of that particular group. Reader, I stopped attending.

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    6. Mango Freak*

      I’m a very expressive person who feels things very deeply and this is NOT what I want from a work environment AT ALL.

      Once in awhile? We’re human beings. The first year of the pandemic there were certainly meetings like this. But I believe in mental health enough to know that work is not group therapy.

      If specific coworkers feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable with each other in this way, they can schedule personal chats separately. This kind of talk must be OPT-IN, not opt-out and certainly not pressured or mandatory.

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  3. Griefy at Work*

    When I was 26, my dad died after an absolutely brutal half year of hospice care. I was crying in the office at least 3x/week (luckily, I had an office door that locked). My manager chose to support me in all-hands meetings having my manager move to give all reports for our duo (in our larger office of 6, we have three smaller teams of 2 who collaborate more closely). It meant we had to have more 1:1s at the periods when I was out of the office more significantly, but it also meant that if I ended up crying in a meeting, it was just in front of him and not with the whole staff. I don’t know if this would be an option with your org chart and team leaders, OP, but it was a life-saver for me.

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  4. Luna*

    This crying may be attention seeking if the same individuals are involved or an attempt to get out of workload. Do not ask anyone how they are. Audio only. Alison gives good advice to jump right in. “Good morning, here’s what we have to cover for today.” Redirect any and all personal talk. If the crying starts address immediately. “Sue, you seem overwhelmed today so you are excused from this call. I’ll talk to you later, personally.” The crying has gotten out of hand and you have to fix it because it’s uncomfortable for the non criers and it propagates itself. This is not normal.

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    1. WillowSunstar*

      Agreed, sometimes people do take that “how are you” question literally. Don’t give them the opening if it derails the meeting.

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    2. Sloanicota*

      I agree it’s not normal and is some kind of strange cultural group-think thing going on. I don’t think the cryers have to be necessarily bad intentioned (“attention seeking” is a bit unkind, as it’s at least equally likely they are overwhelmed and unable to prevent the tears) but somehow the message has been sent that this is okay to do, maybe even expected, certainly tolerated. The best way to signal a culture change IMO is a big shift in the meeting itself – timing or format – so people get out of this habit, and probably addressing it directly with the biggest sources of the current dynamic, which might not even be the cryer so much as the person who stops the meeting to address the crying/try to get them to open up/talk it out.

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      1. ferrina*

        Yeah, OP may have inadvertently encouraged this dynamic by trying to be supportive. It cycled in a weird way to make a norm where crying is not just a thing that happens, it’s normalized. Honestly, just by calling it out and resetting expectations around crying in group meetings, I think it will go a long way. It’s okay to say “we need to get through the agenda. Jane, go ahead and hop off and we can talk later.”

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      2. Cicily*

        It would be interesting to see if/how the behavior would change if this team was split up and everyone placed on different teams (although I’m not saying the LW should do that). Would all of the criers still be crying semi-regularly in meetings? Doubtful. This definitely feels like a combination of highly suggestible and emotional people and environment that (even inadvertently) encourages it. On a team full of non-criers, a few of the people would probably adapt pretty quickly.

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    3. Turquoisecow*

      If it’s the same few people all the time, maybe OP could take them aside and politely ask that they not bring up this stuff in the meeting. Like if you want to talk with me privately about needing bereavement leave or something let me know but it’s derailing to discuss in the daily meeting, that time should be used for X, Y, Z.

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    4. LL*

      I agree that this needs to be stopped, but don’t say that to the person who’s crying. It will sound really harsh to everyone else on the call and would be weird.

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  5. Coverage Associate*

    Can the time be changed if the frequency can’t be?

    I have worked in groups with different mixes of morning people v others chronotypes, and how meetings run can be very different depending on the time of day. I know that morning meetings have all sorts of cultural connotations about being important or serious, but it’s my understanding that serves a plurality across a large population, but maybe not your group. Maybe people would be more composed after settling into the work day.

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    1. Sloanicota*

      This is a good suggestion even if it’s just temporarily to shift the culture of the meeting. Maybe if it’s right before lunch people won’t feel so inclined to linger and you can complete the check-in in 15 minutes without turning into Group Therapy.

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      1. Bear Expert*

        I love a just before lunch check in. You’ve had enough time to get settled into the day, so everyone is caffeinated and focused on work context, and there is time after lunch to address anything that needs immediate attention before EOB. And no one wants to run late.

        Keep a tight agenda that everyone can see – along with the cameras off, share the agenda on the call screen, take notes live and on screen, anything that drags is actually an action item for a separate meeting.

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    2. mcm*

      We do a daily meeting at the end of the day, and I think it also keeps it focused because we’ve just been thinking about work for 6-8 hours, rather than just getting to work from whatever’s going on at home.

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      1. ferrina*

        I really like this idea. I find I’m more productive if I make my to-do list in the evening, then get time for it to settle into my brain before the next day.

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    3. JSPA*

      A bit like the weekend vs weekday threads here, if everyone’s remote, maybe you can have an optional morning coffee/tea break call for touching base socially two or three times a week, and a work-only call, for getting work done.

      Or if there really are too many work calls, make Wednesday’s call a “personal challenges and how they will impact mid-range planning” call, and then don’t make time for those things the other 4 days (they can still contact you personally, but not burden the group).

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      1. Sciencer*

        I came to suggest something similar. Since daily meetings are already excessive, but seemingly required by the org, actively set aside ONE of the daily meetings each week to be a place for “community building” or whatever you want to call it. Let folks know that you value the ways they support each other personally, but need to keep that contained, and so you’re asking all personal check-ins and updates to be saved for the community-building meeting day.

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    4. Saturday*

      I like this idea! If it’s a morning meeting, people are transitioning from home to work, and all that personal stuff is feeling really close. Try to catch people later, when they’ve been active at work for a while.

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    5. North American Couch Wizard Society Member*

      I think it depends on what the purpose of the meeting is. I work in a doctors’ office and the “morning huddle” is held before patients start coming in to flag folks who have appointments that day who need specific things from someone on the team (like a diabetic foot exam, or to meet with the pharmacist, or whose spouse shouldn’t be allowed in the room with them, etc.) People end up running late over the course of the day so an end of day meeting would never work.

      I have to agree that a “quick” morning meeting where someone is in tears even 1 out of 5 days would be excruciating to me.

      Interestingly, OP didn’t mention whether those morning meetings were virtual. It sounds like they may not be, in which case switching to audio or just plowing through the agenda regardless of Cersei’s stricken expression will be a lot harder to do.

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      1. Saturday*

        LW did say, “I make it clear to my team they don’t need to have cameras on for the meeting,” so it sounds virtual.

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      2. Sloanicota*

        If that’s the case, something is really wrong to have so many tears at these meetings which sound like they should be very standard/cut and dry/brief. I honestly don’t even know what to say if multiple staff people are breaking down in that environment. But certainly it doesn’t seem effective to just keep pushing on the way you’ve been going.

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      3. PatM*

        I agree. “Daily morning meeting that could be 15 minutes if it doesn’t get sidetracked” sounds like it would be about setting the priorities for the day, which wouldn’t be as useful if moved to later in the day.

        I also think that LW saying “come to the meeting” instead of “log on” or “call in” gives me the vibe that these are in person meetings. In that case, is it still a good idea to ask the crier to leave the meeting?

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  6. Greg C.*

    I’ve worked in environments with a similar meeting – can it be text-only? We had a slack channel where people would provide their update and any conversation needed happened with the minimal group.

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    1. Sloanicota*

      Ooh, I like this suggestion, maybe a group document will satisfy management (like a table everyone updates or a spreadsheet everyone fills out during a set time) even if it’s just during a limited period to break the “morning meeting = group therapy” pattern of thinking. That’s actually also a kindness to people who are going through whatever personal tragedy.

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    2. Mango*

      Yeah, our team used to do daily status meetings but eventually turned those into a Teams chat where we post how busy we are that day on a 1-5 scale and any (work) issues we need help with. Much better!

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    3. Pay no attention...*

      This is my suggestion too. Make it a chat. If they have to type it all out, maybe they’ll curtail the personal details.

      If chat doesn’t work another suggestion is to move it to just before lunch, 11:45 am. People tend to get brief when they’ve had the morning to get into their work, and now they’re hungry.

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      1. Tammy 2*

        Please don’t encourage intense personal sharing in meeting chats without being aware of how they are retained/searchable by your HR/IT/legal department.

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        1. Tammy 2*

          (I understand that the hope is moving to chat would curtail this kind of sharing–but if it doesn’t, the OP might have a new problem on their hands, and it could spread the issue outside of their department–potentially publicly if they are in litigation or subject to FOIA-type disclosure.)

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    4. Malarkey01*

      I really get this and that we’re all meeting overloaded BUT as more and more companies are trying to get away from WFH and use the lack of cohesion and team check ins, I would worry that reducing a quick standing meeting is going to provide less connection and a push to reduce WFH.

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  7. Chairman of the Bored*

    1. Publish an agenda (general or specific, whichever is relevant)
    2. Put time bounds on the items in the agenda
    3. Follow the agenda

    This gives you a structure to refer back to if the check-ins and related conversation get out of hand.

    If somebody starts crying, move things along by saying “OK, the next item for discussion is…”

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    1. ReallyBadPerson*

      This might work, but it does seem like a harsh way to do it. The LW is trying to change the crying culture (I cannot imagine what type of workplace devolves into this!), and cultural shifts happen in increments.

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    2. ferrina*

      This is definitely part of the solution. It’s a little cold to just ignore someone crying, but you can take a moment and say “John, why don’t you take a moment. Go ahead and log off, and I’ll touch base with you in a little bit. Okay, the next item for discussion….”

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  8. Nicole Coelho Antoun*

    And this is why I switched careers to being a personal trainer; I had enough trouble dealing gracefully with weekly staff meetings. Daily morning meetings sound like torture.

    Allison does have good advice if the psychos who run this company (heh heh) won’t cut back on the meetings.

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    1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      I do daily morning meetings as part of an Agile Scrum team. It’s really productive.

      “Yesterday I ran the weekly reports and fixed a bug in X. Today I have a big meeting with the new client and will try to fix bug Y. I can’t move forward on new feature Z until we get the graphics done.”

      And then if there is anything critical for the team, or part of the team to address, we do that. It rarely lasts more than 2 minutes per person.

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        1. Kevin Sours*

          I can get that. I think there is value to doing them live. Sometime somebody else “I’ve got this handled” but their tone of voice says something different.

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      2. Flibbertigibbet*

        We have daily stand ups as part of our move to Agile, and they are short, but it is basically being taken through a list of tasks and saying “no change since yesterday” most of the time because we have too much work to do and things come up urgently. For 15 minutes and 8 people, that’s two hours of time we could spend on work instead of the depressing “no update”. We’ve actually moved to doing them three times a week and I’m trying hard to get it to even fewer. Don’t even get me started on the reviews and demos and inspect and adapts that endlessly repeat the same content to slightly different audiences. So much wasted time.

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        1. Kevin Sours*

          I’m trying to make the math work? Because 15 minutes a day is 1.25 hours a week, not two hours. Do you mean 15 minutes per person per day? Because that’s insane.

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          1. Brianne*

            1i5 minutes per person, for eight people, per day. Two hours of work time wasted per day, spread across the team.

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  9. Serious Silly Putty*

    Adding times to agendas can help. Perhaps schedule the last 10 minutes as optional personal catch-up time?

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      1. Clisby*

        And why would anyone care about “personal catch-up time?” Unless the idea is that people who want to have a personal catch-up with the team leader could stay in the meeting and everyone else could drop out?

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    2. Fern*

      When I ran staff meetings I tried to leave at least 10 minutes at the end for chit-chat. We were a remote team and team members complained about not getting enough time to connect.

      As the manager I alternated hanging out with them and leaving to let them talk without me. I also made it clear folks could leave and not participate in that part of the meeting if they didn’t want to that day.

      The secret was putting it at the end so that if we went off the rails, we had already finished the agenda. Usually off the rails for my folks devolved into discussions of Star Wars or board games.

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  10. Isben Takes Tea*

    It’s hard because “How are you?” is such a social default, but it can definitely trigger more emotional reactions than people (on either side) really want (I’ve thought about this a lot as someone who has almost cried on days when I was holding things together just fine until I was directly asked this question!).

    It’s certainly hard to stop other people from asking “How are you?,” but if you have any agency over these meetings and can start shifting the default greeting to a different interaction “Oh good morning! What’s the weather like for you today?/Looking forward to anything today?/What’s this morning’s brew?” as people join, I’ve noticed this can help a lot.

    It’s something I have to specifically and intentionally prepare before calls or else “How are you?” always slips out, but it has been helpful in reducing more negative vibes or emotional reactions from people who genuinely have some difficult things going on but derail from the meeting’s goals.

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  11. EA*

    I wonder what a “mid-size” team is and whether it could be broken down into smaller groups, at least some days, and making sure that the manager has 1-on-1s with everyone separately. I think it would be easier to keep the larger group meeting on task if there’s another time when people could bring up personal issues.

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  12. C4TL4DY*

    I wouldn’t ask people how they are doing. This isn’t how normal daily stand up meetings usually go. It should just be discussing what you are working on.

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    1. ferrina*

      Yeah, IME the first couple people chat about inane stuff while they wait for everyone to show up, then once you reach critical mass the meeting organizer starts on the agenda. You don’t need to wait for the social talk to end- you can end the social talk by saying “Looks like everyone is here! I know we all have a busy day, so I’m going to jump in.”

      The first time you do it, explain what you are doing- “We are going to now try to have this meeting focused to strictly work stuff. I’m going to try to keep this as short as possible so we can all get on with our day, so I’m going to stick to the agenda really closely. If folks want to stick around and chat once the meeting is over, you are welcome to do that. Alright, item 1….”
      Be really strict about sticking to the agenda for the first few weeks until everyone gets into the habit.

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  13. Daughter of Ada and Grace*

    The 15 minute daily meeting sounds a lot like the daily standup that you see in a lot of software development teams. It gets its name from the fact that when everyone is in the same physical space, you do this standing up (incentive to keep things short!) It’s intended to be very focused – each person gives a summary of what they did yesterday, what they plan to do today, and any obstacles to completing their work. It generally takes less than a minute per person. It is not intended for in depth discussions of anything, whether it’s work or personal.

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      1. Carit*

        I don’t know, we’ve had rage-tears and “flames on the side of my face” more than once. Also some “why?! whyyyy did the pick this?!!”

        Like a lot of others in tech, I actually really like the daily stand up. It keeps all of us focused, and lets us shuffle resources really well when something is on fire, too.

        I’ve seen several suggestions to do this via text, e.g., slack. For us, that would be deadly. It takes much longer to write things out, and people are less immediate and candid. Better to zip around and head out. My 2¢.

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        1. Slow Gin Lizz*

          I think the beauty of doing it via text (my team does 3x/week digiscrum) is that you can do it asynchronously. So, if it’s helpful for you to do it first thing in the morning, great, and if you forget and do it at 2pm, no big deal. And even if you’re a slow-ish typer, it’ll still be quicker than having to listen to everyone else’s items. Of course, you’re right that it’s less immediate so if that is important to your team, then going text for scrum wouldn’t work.

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  14. Ama*

    I wonder if the group has accidentally come to think of the purpose of these meetings as emotional checkins not business checkins. The fact that people are showing up already close to tears feels like they might think they *have * to share their personal struggles and it is making them feel upset before they even log on. I think Alison’s advice is all good but OP might want to consider starting the meeting off with their own business focused update for a while to help model the kind of update that’s actually wanted.

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    1. Snow Globe*

      I had the same thought. It seems strange to me that this happens so frequently and with different people that it seems like people are thinking that this what the checkin is for!

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    2. Ellis Bell*

      Yeah, I think OP doesn’t expect the “how are you” question to be taken literally, but I think calling it a “check in” and then letting the occasional person unload emotionally at the meeting, and then responding totally uncritically with a ton of help when people are struggling, (very understandably!) has led people to believe that this forum is set up for soliciting exactly that kind of help. I’d probably change the tone of the meeting significantly by saying “I’d like us to move through the attached agenda quite swiftly during our morning status updates from now on, because we need to keep them to 15 minutes. If there’s anything outside the agenda going on, you can contact me to let me know any significant or individual issues, but please keep the meetings focused on the agenda items.” I would also just blanket state that cameras off is the default because it helps keep things productive and keeps the focus on the agenda. Rather than asking how people are, I’d just say “First item on the agenda: Phil, can you give us your latest updates on x?” and if someone seems too upset, or too wide of the mark, just say “That’s okay, I’ll catch up with you separately. Can you sign off, and I’ll be in touch when we’re done.” Then reiterate 1-1 that if they can’t participate in the agenda, you need them to beg off the meeting,l in advance, because the meeting isn’t where you want to be informed. Follow up with the same support you would usually offer, but only after you’ve discussed it off-stage, in the preferred forum for that. This stuff isn’t always inferred, it has to be directly communicated.

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      1. Seashell*

        That makes sense to me. Even just a “I hope everyone’s doing well” followed by going right to the business at hand might help avoid an outpouring of emotion.

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    3. el l*

      I think it absolutely has become a support group – rather than the better purpose of a business meeting.

      Which is to communicate important things and get things done.

      I think OP has to set a tone of strictly business. At least for now. Most of the time I for one would prefer the empathy, but this has gone too far and spiraled. A commitment to behavior is what’s needed now.

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    4. Nesprin*

      Yeah- I wonder if it’d be useful to setup a separate meeting for work and turn the current meeting over to someone from the EAP if there is that much trauma in the team.

      Reply ↓
  15. Port*

    It might also help to have a written agenda template to have something concrete to refer to when things are getting off track. The activity of generating data or discussion items to fill in the blanks of the agenda at the start can get everyone more focused on the work at hand and fill in the space where there was previously room for tears. In Zoom you could post a link to a shared file that you all fill in ahead of discussion.

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  16. WorkerDrone*

    I feel like Zoom can solve this problem pretty easily.

    First, make sure you are host of the meeting and that the meeting cannot start until you start it. This way, there is no opportunity for chatting beforehand and no opportunity for people to start asking how everyone is.

    When you start the meeting, make sure everyone’s mic is automatically muted so they can’t start chatting the second the meeting opens.

    Also, when you start the meeting, launch immediately into it – do not give someone else the opportunity to speak first: “Hi guys! We’ve been going over the scheduled 15 minutes lately so I’m going to dive right in to keep us on schedule. Tommy, do you have yesterday’s figures from the TPS report?”

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  17. WellRed*

    We had someone who started providing personal updates on normal aging family stuff during our already somewhat irrelevant weekly meeting, no crying but kind of attention seeking and had a tendency to go and on. Even better, if a manager then said “oh, no” or left a pause they’d take it as invitation to continue, sometimes with personal details of family members etc. I do relate to the part in the letter about other employees having to then share the emotional burden. I finally spoke up and got my hand slapped for my troubles but the pattern stopped so it was worth it. But, mgt should have curtailed this much sooner.

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    1. Generic Name*

      Yeah, something like this dynamic was happening at my last company. There was a particular managers meeting, and the person leading the meeting was an absolute buffoon. The meetings ranged from awkward at best to downright awful, and at least one person would be crying after this meeting. Thankfully I, and the rest of that group have moved to better companies, but the crying definitely reflect overall problems at the company.

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  19. I just work here*

    I wonder if it would help to schedule, say, a biweekly “informal coffee chat” for your team to get together (OPTIONALLY) to hang out, where these more personal conversations can occur in their own space. as long as people understand that it’s optional. it might help funnel those condos out of business oriented meetings.

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  20. Festively Dressed Earl*

    Is LW’s field an exceptionally stressful one, or possibly one that involves a lot of heart-wrenching situations? I ask because this sounds like a lot of crying stemming from solely personal issues, unless this team is having severely bad luck lately.

    If it is partially the workplace, it may be time to find ways to dial down the work-related stress – re-evaluate people’s workloads, check for any missing stairs or harassers that are likely to prompt an AAM letter, talk up the EAP if you have one. Also, this may seem bizarre to suggest, but would any of your team prefer working onsite at the moment just to get away from home stress?

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    1. Guacamole Bob*

      From the title I assumed that the letter would be about a workplace dealing with really tough issues – some kinds of direct social service, say. That would be challenging but these emotionally tough fields do need to find appropriate ways to support employees.

      But this is people’s personal stuff that they’re bringing to work! If I think back over the past few years for my team, I know people have had plenty of challenging things happen, but they don’t bring them into team meetings! They discuss them with their manager or with colleagues they’re close to on the side, not with the whole group. This degree of personal stuff that people want to share with coworkers is A LOT.

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  22. H.Regalis*

    Is there a nice way to tell repeat criers that they need to maybe skip the meeting if they feel like crying?

    If you mean nice as in “a way that won’t upset them,” then no, there’s not, because you can’t control how other people react; however, I still think you should still follow Alison’s advice. This a work meeting, not a support group. You can have empathy for people who are struggling without signing up to be their pro bono therapist. The repeat criers need to stop leaning on their colleagues for emotional support like this. Work is a captive audience; you can’t just walk away because you’re all still there to do your jobs. If your employees have access to an EAP, by all means refer them to it, but ultimately it’s on them to figure out another way to handle their own emotions.

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  23. Athena*

    As someone who used to cry often at work pre-pandemic due to an anxiety disorder, chronic pain, bullying bosses, and PTSD caused by a stalker (all resolved by the cops/court system thankfully!), I would forgo with having any team members do an update and instead just ask them ahead of the meeting to submit a short update and have the manager read them. No need to call on anyone during the meeting. I am in an entirely different career nowadays and if I had to have a daily team meeting, I’d look for a new job. I find most meetings to be emotionally draining even if I like the job or the people I work with!

    Also, I would privately suggest therapy sessions if the company offers mental health services for employees or at least a mental health day for people who don’t want to participate.

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  24. aarti*

    Oh god. I am a crier and really really good at this age – finally – at controlling it. I could not handle people crying even a few times a week. I would grow to dread every morning. Do you want me to hate my job? Do you want me to dread every morning?
    Please put a halt to this, somehow.

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  25. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

    All I can think is, omg, stop asking people how they’re doing at the beginning of the meeting!

    Also, do these meetings have to be at the beginning of the day? Would it be possible to have them at say, 4pm/close to the end of the day? Maybe changing the time would help reset these meetings’ purpose a bit.

    Have an agenda. Even if the agenda is literally the same thing every day, it might help people focus on the work instead of the emotions.

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    1. Person from the Resume*

      Yes.

      How is your work going? How are you doing on your tasks?

      I understand when someone at work asks “how I’m doing?” my answer should be a work related. Or at least, not particularly personal.

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  26. Abigail*

    I would designate a time and place for personal life updates.

    A separate Slack channel for personal life discussion would be my go-to if you use Slack.

    If you don’t, consider a personal life update included in your meeting agenda once a week. Block off 20 minutes or so for people to catch up if they want to. Then if somebody starts up at another time you can say “please bring that to our catch up on Friday.”

    Your team thinks their co-workers are their support system. If you cut them off cold turkey it will feel like a punishment. Siphoning it off will probably keep the morale of the group up a little better.

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  27. Heather*

    This seems like a management issue to me. Even with legitimate concerns, your team has derailed your agendas and changed the dynamic of the meetings for quite some time. It is managements job to keep them focused and on topic in a kind way.
    It seems to me that the management may have needed to step in much sooner when this happened a second and third time. For those seeing something similar, reiterate that the meetings are a quick check in for daily on work issues, not personal ones, and that personal issues that effect work or your ability work should be brought directly to management privately.
    As it is now too late, I agree with Allison’s idea of asking people to turn off their cameras for a week and reiterate that the meetings need to be focused on the work agenda and when people go off topic, gently draw them back to the agenda item at hand.

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  28. Apples and Oranges*

    If the group really needs “support group time” could that not be facilitated as something separate? Like everyone who wants to talk about more personal topics can stay for the15 minutes after the meeting to do so? Then the organizer can just defer things to that meeting if they come up during the work meeting. I realize that work is supposed to be about work, but there are some industries like healthcare where that kind of cameraderie is really important and can be helpful, as long as the activities are voluntary

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    2. Owl-a-roo*

      I am specifically wondering whether OP works in healthcare. Our org encourages daily meetings called “huddles” which are supposed to be five minutes or less. The idea is to share any relevant information (for example, room 502 isn’t available because the bed isn’t working) and make sure every area has what they need before starting the day/shift. In that context, they work well, but they look very different when the supporting departments of healthcare (like IT) try to do this. We tried daily huddles years ago and had to quit because they kept getting derailed by people who (understandably) didn’t understand the point of the daily meeting.

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  29. Ivyflies*

    These sound like they’re daily scrums/stand-ups, which are necessary and effective meetings when done right. This is probably the first time I disagree with the options Alison gave. My suggestion is to simply rebaseline with the team on the purpose and format of the standup. I wouldn’t call out the emotional baggage / empathy thing on its own but would simply say that we’ve been getting off topic in our meetings which is causing them to drag out and that you’ll start pushing people to stay on track. Reiterate that each person has X amount of time to run through what they did yesterday, what they’re doing today and if they have any blockers and that they should only bring up actionable items on these calls.

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    1. Lana Kane*

      I’ve led daily huddles, which is what my employer calls them, and this is exactly what I’d recommend. There’s a very specific reason for these kinds of meetings and they tend to be short since it’s a touchbase and a way to troubleshoot specific issues that are expected to come up that day.

      I’d say something along the lines of “Our daily huddles are starting to exceed the amount of time they’re supposed to take, so I’ll be starting them by going directly into our agenda items and I ask that we focus on those. If you need any support from me, please let me know separately.” Maybe also send out a reminder of the goals of these huddles so people can refer to them. At first people will invariably revert to the old patterns, but then you gently call it out. “Terry, if you need my help today, let’s chat after the meeting. I just need to have us circle back to our agenda so we can get on with our day.” (or whatever wording you feel works best with the group)

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  31. Soon to be ex spouse*

    I wonder what industry this is – is it primarily people of a certain demographic?

    In full confession I have gone through periods of my life where I am more or less emotionally fragile. I have been trying to conceive, and pregnant; I have lived in an area affected by terrorist violence; I have had young children; I have gone through recessions and a pandemic – and now I am perimenopausal. I promise you if there were ten of me in this department meeting, odds are 1 of us would be in the verge of extreme emotion every day. Honestly that’s part of why I like working in more diverse environments where people have other life experiences and perspectives and their own issues and it helps me able to see mine differently. I just think if that isn’t the case for whatever reason, every one might be similarly on edge and that is something to manage and know about in a workplace

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  32. Jessica Clubber Lang*

    I don’t think changing the times or frequency will make a difference unless LW specifically calls out what needs to change. Not in a super harsh way, but just that everybody needs to stick to their work update and no more personal stuff.

    I’ve never heard of anything like this – if it doesn’t change I’m afraid you will drive some of the better folks away. This is not a good work environment imo

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  33. Fierce Jindo*

    Train yourself to replace “how are you?” with “it’s nice to see you.”

    It’s also far more humane for the people for whom the first question is provoking tears.

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  34. Specks*

    This sounds so incredibly exhausting. When I’m going through a hard time, the last thing I want is to get into it enough with coworkers to start crying (I literally can’t imagine… a minute or two of updating them once, yes, but crying!). And someone else melting down would just make me think of it for the next several hours or day instead of being able to focus on work, which would then really negatively spill over into my life and parenting. Your coworkers, not each other’s support group. I bet at least some people in your group are discomfited by all this, not just you… so please gently but firmly shut it down for them.

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  36. Mango Freak*

    For the next few meetings, can you arrange to arrive 1 minute late and immediately dive into the agenda?

    “Okay everyone don’t want to take up your time, let’s start with status updates. Candy Spout Team, where are we on the non-pareil sourcing?”

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  37. paige*

    Agree with other commenters that the best solution here is to move the personal checking in / team culture curation to another meeting space so it doesn’t default to these morning stand-ups!

    I’ve worked in a couple places where we had a daily 15-20 min standup that was strictly quick updates and working through flags, and then a longer 30-45 min weekly team meeting on mondays or fridays that was a step-back on priorities, workload, and involved a round-the-horn ups/downs (or roses/thorns/buds) for the week that gave folks dealing with personal stuff an opportunity to share and get support without derailing other meetings throughout the week.

    At my current job, we literally call our weekly 30 min department meeting our “vibes meeting” because that’s the meeting where we talk about how things are going with everyone vibes-wise, vs other meetings throughout the week that are strictly project-based and only have the specific people on them that are moving the work on those projects.

    Could be a helpful way to re-orient these support group moments without completely shutting them down, if it seems like most folks genuinely appreciate this kind of team culture!

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  38. OP*

    Hi everyone- OP here. Thank you for all of your comments, in the month or so since I wrote I’ve had a few positive changes:

    Firstly some of the significant personal pressures some of my team were under have eased, meaning they are generally in a much better place.

    There has been a change up in the department which lead to some new faces into my team, which has shaken the dynamic up a little as well for the better.

    The most effective change was what a lot of you have suggested though, which is my management of the meeting. I’ve jumped straight into the agenda and communicated that we have a set 15 mins and need to keep on track. It has helped enormously, and the tone of the meetings is much more upbeat now.

    I’ve read some comments that made me realise that I was accidentally encouraging some of this behaviour. I think some of the team felt like bad news *had* to be announced in some way, and that the team meeting was the place to do it. I’ve had zero meltdowns since the time of writing, but if it happens again will make a point of telling that person to drop off the call and take some personal time and will catch up with them later.

    Thank you all for your insights, I’ve taken it all in and I’m grateful for this chance to reflect.

    Reply ↓

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