someone is always crying in our morning meetings

by Alison Green on October 30, 2024

A reader writes:

Can you help me deal with the amount of crying at work I’m dealing with at the moment?

I manage a mid-size team of people who are all very caring and empathetic, and are through and through a great team.

Every morning we have a meeting set up for the day. I’m finding more and more often that I have to deal with someone becoming overcome with tears at this meeting. My team all have their struggles, with health, family, bereavement, and plenty of other genuine personal problems. I find that some members of the team more than others will come to the meeting already in tears, or will become tearful if asked how they are. The meeting will then be focused on that person and their issue until I can, as tactfully and kindly as possible, try to steer us back on course. I’ll follow up with them afterwards to make sure they know I will support them in any way I can by adjusting their workload, giving them flexibility, etc. I get a lot of feedback from my team to say that I am a supportive manager.

But I’m really starting to struggle with this. I make it clear to my team they don’t need to have cameras on for the meeting, and they can message me ahead of time if they are struggling and don’t feel up to the meeting. I know that life these days is HARD and I’ve had my share of difficulties in recent years. But I do feel that this morning meeting is becoming a support group at times. I’m worried that members of staff who I know to have a lot going on in their personal lives, but don’t bring it up in the meeting, feel like they now have to shoulder someone else’s emotions. It is draining for me as well; I am only human.

Is there a nice way to tell repeat criers that they need to maybe skip the meeting if they feel like crying? Should I even do that? I think some of the team really rely on work connections to support them as they don’t have a great network of family and friends.

How do I deal with this? And how can I keep my sanity when I am getting all these emotions dumped on me, even when I’m having a tough time myself?

I wrote back and asked, “Are these daily meetings strictly necessary? That’s a lot of meetings and I’d look at whether they need to be happening that frequently as a first step!”

The organization very much expects us to do this every morning. The meeting can take as little as 15 minutes if we don’t have too much chat. It should just be a quick check-in to capture figures and flag any issues, but can and does get derailed.

First and foremost unless you find the meetings truly useful, see if you can cut down on how often you have them. If you don’t have the authority to do that, can you talk to whoever needs to okay it and explain that not only are they unhelpful but they’re becoming actively derailing?

But if that’s not an option — or if the meetings really do serve a useful purpose — then a few things:

1. Try making the calls audio-only. Not just “you don’t need to have your camera on,” but “we are going to leave cameras off for our meetings this week and see how that goes.” With cameras off, there will be fewer openings for “Jane, you look upset, is everything okay?” and a higher chance of staying focused on the meeting’s agenda.

2. Openly articulate the challenge to your team: “We have a team of empathetic people who care a lot about each other, and many of us have struggles going on outside of work. I love that we support each other, but we’re having trouble getting through our morning meeting agendas. I’m going to ask that we stay focused on work items at these meetings, but if you’re not in a head space to do that on any particular day, please message me that you’re skipping the meeting and we’ll connect later instead.”

3. After laying the groundwork that way, resolve to be more task-focused in the meetings. You probably feel it would be callous to ignore that someone seems upset, but it’s really okay to say, “Unfortunately we’ve got to figure out XYZ right now, but Jane, if you need to drop off this call, you can — and we can talk later if there’s anything you need from me in regard to workload or anything else” … and then move the conversation back to work items. (Similarly, if asking how people are is what tends to bring this out, try skipping that and just say, “Good morning, everyone! We’ve got a lot to cover so I’m going to jump straight in…”)

I suspect that if you try the above for a few weeks, you’ll be able to reset the meeting norms.

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{ 246 comments }

{ 246 comments… read them below }

    1. Janelle*

      SAME…goodness not just the misery of daily meetings but then regular crying? This is serious emotional labor for everyone else each day.

      1. Tio*

        I would probably feel like crying if I had to do a daily meeting

        But really, this is a LOT of crying for one place. I can count the number of times I’ve had someone cry in meetings on one hand and all but one of those times was one person at one office who had issues!

        It might be worth it if there are repeat offenders to pull them into a 1:1 and let them know about the company’s EAP services, that you’re worried about them, and that you want to get them help if they need it but the team meeting can’t continue to be a place to drop your personal problems or difficult emotions. There’s a time and place for that, and it isn’t work meetings.

        1. goofball*

          I find this attitude towards daily meetings – often called standups – surprising. They’re so, so common in my field. And as the LW pointed out, are often 15min

          1. JJ*

            Same. 5-15 minutes every morning. “Here are the priorities for today, here’s what we’re expecting to come in, anyone in/out during the day today, anyone need additional support? Have a great day.”

            1. Carit*

              Exactly. I think people are envisioning something very different (!), but this is my experience with the first-thing daily.

            2. Kevin Sours*

              Particularly managing remotely I find them invaluable for discovering issues and getting people help promptly. The trick is keeping them focused (if it’s more than 15 minutes there is a problem you need to fix). The purpose is to discover problems, not to solve them.

            3. Wendy the Spiffy*

              Same! I read this assuming daily standup — and I wonder if tweaking the prompt questions might also help. At most places I’ve been, the prompts are, “What did you do yesterday, what will you do today, any blockers or needed decisions?” “What did you do / will you do” might elicit emotional stuff — whereas your framing, JJ, of priorities for the day, stuff to know, chance to flag help needed might not bring on emotions in the same way.

              1. Slow Gin Lizz*

                Yup, my first thought was also that it’s a daily scrum meeting, and I bet just sticking to the usual scrum prompts will help a lot, as will addressing the pattern and using the script AAM provided about that. And if it’s not a scrum meeting, then create agendas for every meeting and stick to it. I imagine the meetings are getting derailed partly because the meetings are too open-ended, with few specific issues that need to be discussed.

                My team used to have daily scrum standups before I started here but at some point during the pandemic they went to 2x/week standups via Teams and 3x/week “digiScrums” where we just report what we’re working on the same way we would at the standup. Could you suggest that to your company, OP? I also like AAM’s suggestion to make the meetings camera-off ones. I have a few team members who are *never* on camera for any mtgs at all and no one gives them a hard time about that at all, and a few other mtgs that are just camera off anyway. It’s great for me, since I prefer to be off camera so I’m not constantly distracted with thoughts of “Are they looking at my eye tracking? Is it weird that I’m always looking at my other screen? OMG, did they just see me scratch my ear and think that’s odd?”

            4. Looper*

              That’s very much something that happens every day at my work as well: never more than 10 minutes, always just a quick “here’s what we need, what do you need, have a good day”.
              But I am really struggling with seeing how the meeting itself is cause for tears. I find it VERY odd that there is someone in tears every single morning. That’s not because of a morning check in!

              1. Former Librarian of SHIELD*

                My office does this through teams. You log in for the day and post in the group chat what you’ll be working on and whether you expect you’ll need support.

              2. TW*

                If it’s actual Agile Scrum, there’s a real emphasis on face-to-face interaction. Pre-pandemic that came with actual in-person recommendation (which was laughable in my international org, but whatevs), but now it’s virtual.

                Speaking personally, I have a much easier time getting someone to answer a question at the end of a scrum, or commit to meet with me 1:1, than I do by trying to get them over email or even Slack. Even good-intentioned people ignore or forget emails. It’s harder to ignore a person actively talking to you in front of the whole group.

              3. Ace in the Hole*

                Because people communicate in different ways, and for many people face-to-face (or video call) is a much more effective means of communication than asynchronous text.

                1. FunkyMunky*

                  but those people are not everyone and should consider 1 on 1 chats if they need to be this actively social.

              4. Elsajeni*

                The idea is that the whole group is sharing priorities and needs, and people may shift what they’re working on accordingly — it would take MUCH longer to do that in an email thread. I get that “this meeting could have been an email” is a real thing, but have y’all never been on an email thread that made you think “oh my god, these 45 New Message alerts over the course of 2 days could have been a 20-minute meeting”?

            6. ThatOtherClare*

              It sounds like this particular work group might need that slightly re-phrased as ‘…anyone have any tasks that need any additional support…’.

              Otherwise it sounds like Jeremy might chime in with ‘Oh you’re so kind for asking, I could really do with some emotional support today, my wife is has shingles right now and it’s just so hard you know?’, then Jemima will follow with ‘I could also use some support, my stress levels over this project are sky-high and my confidence has hit rock-bottom today. I’m starting to wonder if I even deserve to be on the team at all.’

          2. Cabbagepants*

            agree strongly! it’s just a daily check in. as long as people stay on topic, these meetings a very lightweight.

          3. foofoo*

            This. Daily standups are part of the agile project planning and they don’t have to be intense, long, or in-depth. They’re called “stand up” because no one wants to be standing through an entire meeting so it encourages fast updates from everyone (usually). The goal is to go over what you’re working on and what blockers you might have that others need to help with.

            These sound like daily standups and if people are using them as emotional support meetings as well, it’s long gone off the rails and needs to be steered back. I’d be punching kittens if I had to be shouldering that many emotions that early in the day, dragging out what is supposed to be a short meeting, and blocking my work time. :/

          4. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

            I’ve had ones we rebranded “Festivus.” Just because they can be innocuous at healthy organization doesn’t mean they can’t be daily torture at dysfunctional ones.

            1. Lydia*

              Okay, but that’s not about the meetings themselves, it’s about the organization. In some orgs, daily check ins are crucial to the work you’re doing (speaking from experience) and when they became tortuous, it was because of the bad management we were under. That didn’t change that the meetings were required, but it did change how we felt about them.

          5. TKC*

            I have them and hate them. They are repetitive and could easily be done 1-2 times per week instead with zero change in productivity.

            We do not have daily changes in priorities or numbers to share or anything that requires the entire team to share or discuss, so instead everyone has to list the tasks they are doing that day. Such a waste of time and energy.

            I’m sure they could be productive somewhere else. They aren’t in my workplace.

            1. Slow Gin Lizz*

              I hate them too but my team has gone down to 2x/week scrums on Teams calls and 3x/week “digiScrum” where we just report on our Teams chat what we’re doing. It’s still hard for me, as a new person with not a lot going on, to pretend I’m really busy (and yes, my managers know I’m not really busy so that’s not the issue, I just feel bad that others are so busy and I have a lot of extra time but can’t possibly take others’ tasks off their plates, unfortunately).

              1. Mockingjay*

                Concur with using Teams chat as a substitute for at least one or two daily meetings. I’m on a new project that does daily standups and on Fridays we simply post statuses in the chat by a certain time.

                Alison’s suggestions mirror my own: keep meetings succinct, task-based, and redirect back to the agenda. It might be helpful for OP to do more of a Q&A while getting things back on track: ask targeted questions rather than open-ended. Instead of “Sally, how are things going?” which leaves the conversation wide open to respond with anything, ask: “Sally, is the revised teapot design ready to be submitted? Is the spout drippage problem fixed?”

              2. Wayward Sun*

                I sometimes have that problem with our weekly meetings. I’m the only IT person in our department so often I don’t have updates that are interesting or relevant to my coworkers, but if I say “I don’t have much to talk about this week” my manager complains to me that I don’t seem like I’m working.

                1. Mockingjay*

                  “Everything’s on schedule.” “Systems are running smoothly.” “The Purchasing Dept. processed the laptop order and we should receive the shipment next month.”

                  The status quo is still news.

            2. engie*

              Yes, they are very common in my field too, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t terrible. Burnout and depression rates are also very high in my field. If they are “invaluable” it is possible you have a very ineffective team that needs a lot of hand holding, or where people are not empowered to find solutions themselves.

              1. Great Frogs of Literature*

                They’re less useful on my current team, but on my previous team where we were all working on the same llamas every day, it was a great chance for people to identify potential task conflicts, like, “UHHH– you can’t put Stevie out to pasture overnight; he always rolls in the mud and he’s going to the groomer this afternoon because he’s going to be shown tomorrow.” And if we did dig into a question or problem someone was having, it was more likely to be useful to the whole group.

              2. Hroethvitnir*

                I have no ability to judge what office work daily check-ins would look like, but in a lab context when you have a mix of ongoing projects, routine testing, and potentially emergency testing every single day, you absolutely want to make sure work is distributed appropriately, nothing is falling through the cracks, and give people a chance to bring up minor troubleshooting.

                I have been in teams where they were a complete waste of time, but some roles have constant change and a lot of moving parts. It’s very hard for senior staff to ensure workflow and good practice are running well without a lowkey form of touching base regularly.

            3. Baunilha*

              We used to have them and I begged my boss to let me opt out of it. Most of my tasks are long term, so I often don’t have any updates and it’s just a waste of my time.
              I think other people must’ve complained too, because now we only have them three times a week. I still think it’s too much (that’s on top of other meetings), but I’ll take what I can get.

          6. Tio*

            I now think it’s probably really position based. I do not have enough to tell people in my job to do a daily meeting, but thinking about project management type positions, I can see why it might be more useful. But in a lot of office desk jobs, there just aren’t that many day-to-day changes or issues that require everyone get together, and if we tried to force it then we’d just be wasting that time.

            1. Allonge*

              Definitely – we have them (max 15 min / day, sometimes 3 min) and they are infinitely more useful for our manager than for people who deal with a relatively narrow field. But – our manager gets to decide it’s useful enough for her!

          7. Caramel & Cheddar*

            I think it depends on the kind of work you do. I know this is super common in some types of project management, or in places like call centres or with big scheduled shift changes, etc. but in a lot of workplaces this would be really burdensome and unnecessary. Very much a “know your sector” thing, and I hope for LW’s sake that they’re in one of the areas where this is an incredibly normal thing.

          8. MassMatt*

            My old job implemented (poorly, but that’s another story) Kaizen AKA “Lean” management principles and the daily meeting was part of the process. It was a PITA because it was a call center open from 8AM to 10 or 11PM, so getting everyone on a team together for a single meeting was impossible.

            But keeping it short and focused is key. In any given group of 10 people there’s likely to be someone who likes to talk, or argue, or question policies, ask off-topic questions, etc. Keeping it focused is a challenge, and once a pattern of going off-topic gets established (as with the many people crying and consoling each other here–yeesh!) it is difficult to get things back on track.

            It’s going to be tough at first, but it needs to be done to get these meetings focused on where they need to be.

          9. LL*

            Yeah, I think there might be an issue with how these meetings were framed for staff. They’re supposed to be check-ups on how WORK is going, not how your personal life is going. Maybe clarifying that will help.

          10. Lana Kane*

            Very common in healthcare. At my employer they’re called huddles. When I was in departments that held them (usually clinics and other patient-facing areas), we’d just cover staffing, whether anyone needs help, what’s on the docket for the day, and identifying any red-flag issues that need resolution. No one loved them, but they can be necessary.

            1. Missa Brevis*

              Same for my employer (also healthcare, though lab, not patient-facing).

              Broadly, I think these types of meetings are valuable if your work is reactive and making sure everyone is on the same page can make or break your ability to get things done. If you’re on a team where pace of work is more self-determined, I can see how they would feel pretty pointless.

            1. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

              I think there’s more Agile Malpractice than Effective Agile out there in tot.

              1. Certified Scrum Master*

                I’ll drink to that. Some groups seem to think that “Agile” just means “daily meetings” without actually understanding why the standup was developed.

              2. MigraineMonth*

                Far too true. It turns out there actually isn’t *any* system that automagically turns a poorly-performing team into an awesome one without any change in incentives/management. Like almost every management system, it takes a kernel of a good idea (planning to fail early and often) and wraps it in a bunch of time-wasting BS so it can be marketed as a “system”.

              3. I Have RBF*

                This 10000%.

                I call corporate mandated Scrum “frAgile”, because it seldom makes sense for anyone but greenfield software developments. It absolutely sucks for operations, or any other group that has on-call and troubleshooting requirement on top of “project” work.

                Usually, in ops, two week scrums turn into mini death marches because of management pressure to over-commit and unwillingness to be flexible (“But you committed to doing your tasks! Work however long you need to meet your commitment, you lazy schlub!”)

                I first encountered Scrum as “Agile” more than a decade ago, and if I’m interviewing, one of the things I ask is “Are they doing ‘agile’, and is it Scrum?” If they enthusiastically say “Yes, our entire company does Scrum!”, I will likely not take the job unless I’m desperate, I’ve been burned that badly by Scrum “ceremonies” and warped expectations.

              4. Em*

                I’m submitting my resignation today after suffering through 14 months of agile/scrum implementation. I could write an essay about how poorly my employer has handled it, the top down implementation that disempowers teams entirely, the obsession with reporting to the point that we are supposed to do our work to make the reports look pretty (i.e don’t bundle multiple related tickets to one deployment, instead waste your time doing 10 small deployments) but my biggest bone to pick is the religious fervor for scrum that comes with the hired scrum “experts.” One cannot simply “do” scrum, one must “live” scrum. They’re all contractors that are making a career out of evangelizing scrum, hopping from corp to corp.

                1. I Have RBF*

                  Been there. Scrum trainers are often the worst type of “true believer” selling snake oil.

                  IMO, Scrum sucks. I’ve only ever seen it work in two instances, and one was a pure greenfield project, and the other didn’t take itself seriously.

          12. metadata minion*

            It really depends on the field. In my office, since most of our work is solitary, it would be incredibly weird. Everyone would pretty much go “well, still working on Projects X, Q, and C, and don’t need any help”, and if someone does need help, they ask in the moment or post in Slack or add it to the weekly unit meeting.

          13. Ess Ess*

            Exactly. It’s a basic industry standard format. It is supposed to happen first thing in the morning and they are called “standups” because they are supposed to be so short that people used to just stand for the few minutes it lasts and then head back out. No sitting and schmoozing and wasting time. The standup is supposed to be each person saying “Here’s what I accomplished yesterday. Here’s what I’m doing today.” Then if you are blocked from proceeding with your tasks, this is the time you follow up on any questions or info that you needed from others on your team or allows you to escalate it to your supervisor right away.”

          14. YetAnotherAnalyst*

            If it’s just a standup – this can almost certainly just be a Slack thread. More efficient with everyone’s time, easier on everyone who’s struggling to remember why they’re at work today much less what the heck they were doing, and much more difficult to accidentally derail.
            Life is hard for everyone right now. Let’s try and make it easier where we can.

          15. stratospherica*

            Yeah, we call them huddles where I work and we have them most days of the week (with the exception of one day where we have a general update on how our work is progressing and another day where we have a weekly meeting with the org manager), and in my team it’s basically “here is HR information pertinent to your work/trainings that need to be done/other items worth sharing, now let’s share our schedules and what we plan on working on for the day”

          16. Ellie*

            We have a daily 15 minute stand up every day, have done for years. I find them very useful and they make the team more productive. I have never, ever, had anyone cry in one, let alone repeatedly. During performance evaluations, sure (both kinds – I’m so sad I’m letting you down, and I’m so happy you think so highly of me), during one-on-ones it can happen, and it’s happened multiple times when someone has resigned as well, during the initial meeting and on their final day. But never in a stand-up, even during Covid. I’ve got to wonder what kind of stressful environment OP works in where this keeps on happening.

            OP, I would put a pause on the meetings. Say that you’ll meet with everyone one-on-one instead, just for that week. Then if they cry to you, you can delve into it more and recommend the EAP or any other resources your company offers. Once that’s been handled, set up regular one-on-ones, and consider a regular, optional, ‘check-in’ meeting or something less formal. Then do your best to get those 15 minute stand-ups back on track, and redirect people to the check in meeting if they keep doing it.

          17. Media Monkey*

            This! we don’t tend to do daily standups in my industry in favour of a 45-60 min run through/ priorities for the week/ does anyone need extra help and support on a monday. but quick daily catch ups are 100% a thing within teams or with newer team members who might not be so likely to know what they need to do each day.

          18. FunkyMunky*

            yes but why are they necessary and can’t be an email or a teams message? I think it’s an overkill regardless of an industry, why justify it

          19. ThatOtherClare*

            Standups often make me want to cry. But that’s because my brain hasn’t fully booted by 8am, and 60% of the content is re-hashing emails for the auditory processors in the room (as a visual processor I don’t get much value from that). It’s not because my Auntie has recently been diagnosed with osteoporosis.

        2. Annie*

          Daily meetings are pretty common in my industry. But literally they take 15 minutes at max and it just is a quick “this is what we’re focusing on today.” There shouldn’t be any crying or any emotional issue. The most off-topic we have is when there are big games on the weekend and someone mentions their college team.

          I don’t know why this would stress people out or why they’d decide to pour out their emotions. I’m in a male dominated industry and that’s a good thing because I’ve never seen a man cry at work. Really only seen a few women cry at work, but that was only because of specific encounters, not general empathy or just being miserable about out of work issues.

        3. Rosemary*

          We do a daily “standup” via Slack. First thing every morning people post in the “Standup” channel what is on their agenda for the day and alert the rest of the team to anything they need to be aware of that day – anything from “I am going to be heads-down writing a report so may be slower to respond” to “Reminder I am going to be out on PTO tomorrow”.

      2. fpg*

        weekly meeting is so much better. we have a weekly and sometimes it’s 5 minutes long because nothing to report.

        1. Guacamole Bob*

          This really depends on the office, the level of collaboration needed among individuals, the speed with which work changes or new work comes in, whether coverage is needed, etc.

          1. Ellie*

            Yes its really common in software development, a week is a long time for a newbie to be fumbling around, not knowing what they should be doing.

        2. Ex-maintenance engineer*

          It heavily depends on the kind of work you’re doing. If you’re running a shift work maintenance team for a 24-hour manufacturing operation you do need to do a hand-over meeting between each shift: for example, to discuss any emergencies that might be taking precedence over planned maintenance, or to pass on safety matters. The daily meeting is absolutely necessary, and you can’t be taking time out to babysit whichever apprentice has turned on the waterworks today. Outside the meetings there’s plenty of time for that kind of mentoring, but not during handover.

          Not that I’m saying that the letter writer’s situation is as I described, but certainly not every team can get away with a 5-minute weekly meeting.

      3. Beth*

        Daily meetings are common in my field, in the form of standups, and OP’s meetings sound like that. They aren’t a big deal when they’re well run! They’re always <15 mins, we get a sense of what everyone is working on across the team, and it lets us ask for help with anything that's blocking our progress.

        But standups aren't supposed to come with daily crying!! It's not a group therapy session. Whoever's running it–which sounds like it might be you, OP–needs to be stepping in right away to redirect the emotional talk and get the morning meeting back on track. Absolutely tell the criers to skip if they can't be work-focused for 15 mins. If someone does start crying, don't give any time for the focus to turn to them and their issue; "I'm sorry to hear that, let's sync after this meeting to talk about what support you might need, we'll move to the next person for now" is all you really need here.

      4. Limmy*

        Which bit? Doing your job is not “emotional labour” and many industries have daily meetings which are absolutely essential. My old job (NOT an office job) had a daily meeting at kickoff every day, which was 100000% essential and people couldn’t physically do their job without it. Since it’s a job where none of us have access to computers or to email during the course of the working day (unless you go to the staff room and take your phone out of your locker).

        Crying really has nothing to do with meetings. People who burst into tears at work on regular basis aren’t doing it because meetings=BAD, but because they either have no boundaries or have a mental health problem. Someone who repeatedly behaves so unprofessionally isn’t going to be magically fixed by moving the meetings to twice a week.

    2. Frosty*

      Yeah this is a lot… I’d hope that OP can change this office culture. Regardless of what is going on, this much crying is not helpful to the group as a whole.

      When I’ve been going through extremely difficult personal circumstances, the last thing I want is to start crying in a meeting (or hearing other people crying) – often I’d be at work hoping to actively get a break from tragedy unfolding outside of it.

      Sure it might happen occasionally but so frequently would actually upset me as an individual, making work into an extra sad place instead of a (hopefully) neutral/good one.

      1. Angora540*

        I couldn’t handle the regular crying / support / therapy that is going on. It would derail my treatment for depression. I strongly agree with Alison about the EAP services being pointed out. Can employers require that their employees make an appointment through EAP? Especially the individuals that bring their issue to the meetings on a regular basis. I have used EAP in the past for counseling, stress management, etc., over the years. We get four sessions which I think is a low number. Especially if the major stressor is your supervisor / work.

        1. MigraineMonth*

          Requiring the employee use the EAP would be an overstep. A workplace shouldn’t mandate any mental health treatments. Offering help–including the EAP, temporarily reducing workload, allowing WFH, etc–and then requiring that the employee find a way to manage their emotions at work is appropriate.

    3. Momma Bear*

      Same. Sounds like what they need is a scrum style meeting. What’s new, what’s in progress, any blockers? Done.

      1. Ellie*

        Sure, but if people are really struggling, then there needs to be an outlet for that. Get those meetings back on track, but OP might need something else (one-on-one’s, or an optional ‘support meeting’ instead) to redirect them too. If the work is particularly stressful and half the team is about to go down, she needs to address that somehow, without pushing the burden onto other people on the team.

  2. Not A Cryer*

    Let me just say as a person of stoic nordic background who was not raised to feel their emotions, being in this meeting would make me extremely uncomfortable! There’s probably someone in the group wishing they were anywhere else and wondering how they’re going to get their work done in this emotional minefield. So if you’re feeling overwhelmed at the thought of “shutting down” the cryers, perhaps you can be inspired with empathy to the non-cryers who may not speak up about how uncomfortable they are. Also, I tend to find in office culture there’s often one or two key people setting the tone. They may not be a cryer themselves, but the first to derail a meeting asking the cryers what’s going on. I wonder if you could approach them and problem-solve or find a way to kindly express that the current system isn’t helping/working/sustainable.

    1. RussianInTexas*

      It would make me so extremely uncomfortable as well. Plus, you have someone crying at EVERY daily meeting?

        1. RussianInTexas*

          OK, I see it now. It still sounds like these are different people (not the same person going through a bad time), but different people and often.
          This just sounds like a lot.

          1. Chairman of the Bored*

            I had the same impression you did, the “always” in the title overrode the details in the letter.

          3. fhqwhgads*

            Yeah, my knee jerk reaction was…are these medical personnel in 2020? Are these employees in a place that just got destroyed by a hurricane?
            It’s very odd that any given one of them might come to a meeting in tears this frequently. That’s like a once a year kinda thing under normal circumstances. I mean, I dig the empathy OP has and says the rest of ’em have, but if they’re crying about work stuff…that’s a much bigger problem. And if they’re crying about home stuff… what hellmouth are they on.

          4. Beth*

            Agreed. Of course life always has hard moments, but most of us are able to focus on work for 15 mins even on our bad days. What’s going on with OP’s team that breaking down in tears has become normal?

    2. Tech Industry Refugee*

      It’s funny because I am the opposite. I don’t do well in environments that are emotionless, in which I can’t confide in or befriend people. I would love to be on this team that is so open with each other!

      1. MigraineMonth*

        I think there’s a difference between sharing a difficult personal circumstance–and yes, possibly crying–with a close work friend, and derailing many all-team morning meetings with emotional meltdowns. For one thing, there’s no way for others to opt out of the all-team morning meeting if they need emotional distance for any reason.

      2. STLBlues*

        There’s an enormous chasm between “emotionless” and “meetings are constantly interrupted by meltdowns”

        Some of my best friends are coworkers (or former)… but that doesn’t mean we were constantly ALL EMOTIONS ALL THE TIME

      3. ThatOtherClare*

        There’s an appropriate level of emotion to show at work, though, and this is too far.

        I also do well on teams where people can show emotions. However, I find the best teams are where e.g. A can briefly flare and growl ‘I hate using this wretched printer!’, and B will validate them with ‘I know the feeling! Do you think IT will notice if we just push it out of C’s window?’.

        Then A feels like their emotions have been seen and validated with minimal emotional labour on B’s part, and everyone feels better and moves on with their day. The healthiest environments are those in which people can show emotions, have them recognised appropriately, and move on quickly.

    3. Richard Hershberger*

      Yup: Is there a bone sticking out? No? Then rub some dirt on it and get back in there! These are my people. I’m not saying this is without its down side, but it does mean that we can hopefully get through the meeting quicker.

      On the other hand, I have sat through more than one church meeting where someone of extremely northern European heritage stands up and asks why there is so much in the budget for postage. So perhaps it doesn’t lead to shorter meetings overall.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Haha I was in a book club like this once. “Why does every book club meeting end in tears?!?” I would wonder. It was just a weird dynamic of that particular group. Reader, I stopped attending.

        1. RedinSC*

          OMG! I had a book club that devolved into this! It was one long session of people airing everything! I didn’t come for group therapy, I wanted to talk about this book. But it was basically one woman behind this, and I think it was coming from a place of caring for people, but I just could not take it.

    5. T.N.H*

      I would instantly quit this team. Trying to manage other people’s emotions should not be a full time job!

    6. Mango Freak*

      I’m a very expressive person who feels things very deeply and this is NOT what I want from a work environment AT ALL.

      Once in awhile? We’re human beings. The first year of the pandemic there were certainly meetings like this. But I believe in mental health enough to know that work is not group therapy.

      If specific coworkers feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable with each other in this way, they can schedule personal chats separately. This kind of talk must be OPT-IN, not opt-out and certainly not pressured or mandatory.

      1. Earlk*

        I’ve probably cried at work more often than most people but the thought of crying in a meeting is so weird to me. Make your excuses and sit in the toilet to cry like an adult.

    7. Fernie*

      As a Boomer-aged person from an Upper-Midwest US background who spent a lot of time in Australia, I have also been taught to be stoic, especially at work!

      As the manager, I would quote to my team, “There’s no crying in baseball!” and get on with the agenda.

  3. Griefy at Work*

    When I was 26, my dad died after an absolutely brutal half year of hospice care. I was crying in the office at least 3x/week (luckily, I had an office door that locked). My manager chose to support me in all-hands meetings having my manager move to give all reports for our duo (in our larger office of 6, we have three smaller teams of 2 who collaborate more closely). It meant we had to have more 1:1s at the periods when I was out of the office more significantly, but it also meant that if I ended up crying in a meeting, it was just in front of him and not with the whole staff. I don’t know if this would be an option with your org chart and team leaders, OP, but it was a life-saver for me.

  4. Luna*

    This crying may be attention seeking if the same individuals are involved or an attempt to get out of workload. Do not ask anyone how they are. Audio only. Alison gives good advice to jump right in. “Good morning, here’s what we have to cover for today.” Redirect any and all personal talk. If the crying starts address immediately. “Sue, you seem overwhelmed today so you are excused from this call. I’ll talk to you later, personally.” The crying has gotten out of hand and you have to fix it because it’s uncomfortable for the non criers and it propagates itself. This is not normal.

    1. WillowSunstar*

      Agreed, sometimes people do take that “how are you” question literally. Don’t give them the opening if it derails the meeting.

      1. But what to call me?*

        It might be that they’re legitimately having trouble answering that question with ‘fine’ when they’re very much not fine, even if they know that’s the answer they’re supposed to give. If ‘how are you’ has been setting off a cascade of tears then skipping that question is kinder (and faster) for everyone involved.

    2. Sloanicota*

      I agree it’s not normal and is some kind of strange cultural group-think thing going on. I don’t think the cryers have to be necessarily bad intentioned (“attention seeking” is a bit unkind, as it’s at least equally likely they are overwhelmed and unable to prevent the tears) but somehow the message has been sent that this is okay to do, maybe even expected, certainly tolerated. The best way to signal a culture change IMO is a big shift in the meeting itself – timing or format – so people get out of this habit, and probably addressing it directly with the biggest sources of the current dynamic, which might not even be the cryer so much as the person who stops the meeting to address the crying/try to get them to open up/talk it out.

      1. ferrina*

        Yeah, OP may have inadvertently encouraged this dynamic by trying to be supportive. It cycled in a weird way to make a norm where crying is not just a thing that happens, it’s normalized. Honestly, just by calling it out and resetting expectations around crying in group meetings, I think it will go a long way. It’s okay to say “we need to get through the agenda. Jane, go ahead and hop off and we can talk later.”

        1. Pine Tree*

          This kind of happened in my previous position. When we all moved online during Covid, our boss would regularly ask how everyone was doing at the beginning of meetings, and reassure us that she knew it was a stressful time and to take care of ourselves. We all went through ups and downs during those first 2 years, but I think some team members eventually saw our staff meeting as another therapy session. And because we are all nice/sympathetic people, no one really stopped them from emotionally dumping during those meetings.

          Asking how we were all doing really was a nice, supportive practice that went terribly wrong. And I don’t think the boss knew how to walk it back to being supportive and professional, but not group therapy.

      2. Cicily*

        It would be interesting to see if/how the behavior would change if this team was split up and everyone placed on different teams (although I’m not saying the LW should do that). Would all of the criers still be crying semi-regularly in meetings? Doubtful. This definitely feels like a combination of highly suggestible and emotional people and environment that (even inadvertently) encourages it. On a team full of non-criers, a few of the people would probably adapt pretty quickly.

    3. Turquoisecow*

      If it’s the same few people all the time, maybe OP could take them aside and politely ask that they not bring up this stuff in the meeting. Like if you want to talk with me privately about needing bereavement leave or something let me know but it’s derailing to discuss in the daily meeting, that time should be used for X, Y, Z.

    4. Kella*

      If people were truly looking to get out of work, I’d expect them to skip the meeting, as OP has told them they can if they aren’t feeling up to it.

      There aren’t many spaces in our culture that allow for open and honest expression of emotion with a group of people. My guess is that a combination of factors lead people to see these meetings as one of those spaces, when people are going through something they share it at the meeting, and it’s reinforced itself that way over time. People want support, people are offered support, people accept the support, pretty straightforward, really no “attention seeking” or manipulation necessary.

      But as OP and Alison have identified, this isn’t an appropriate context to hold a support group, so establishing a new set of expectations will be important to keep these meetings focused on the purpose they are intended for.

      1. Pescadero*

        “There aren’t many spaces in our culture that allow for open and honest expression of emotion with a group of people.”

        Correct – and work ISN’T one of those spaces that allow for open and honest expression of emotion with a group of people. Don’t do it.

    5. LL*

      I agree that this needs to be stopped, but don’t say that to the person who’s crying. It will sound really harsh to everyone else on the call and would be weird.

    6. illuminate (they/them)*

      All humans need attention, it comes with being social creatures. I agree this is not an acceptable way to go on at work, and suggestions to skip normal social overtures that seem to trigger this are a good idea, but by the facts presented in the letter there’s no need to presume deliberate manipulation.

  5. Coverage Associate*

    Can the time be changed if the frequency can’t be?

    I have worked in groups with different mixes of morning people v others chronotypes, and how meetings run can be very different depending on the time of day. I know that morning meetings have all sorts of cultural connotations about being important or serious, but it’s my understanding that serves a plurality across a large population, but maybe not your group. Maybe people would be more composed after settling into the work day.

    1. Sloanicota*

      This is a good suggestion even if it’s just temporarily to shift the culture of the meeting. Maybe if it’s right before lunch people won’t feel so inclined to linger and you can complete the check-in in 15 minutes without turning into Group Therapy.

      1. Bear Expert*

        I love a just before lunch check in. You’ve had enough time to get settled into the day, so everyone is caffeinated and focused on work context, and there is time after lunch to address anything that needs immediate attention before EOB. And no one wants to run late.

        Keep a tight agenda that everyone can see – along with the cameras off, share the agenda on the call screen, take notes live and on screen, anything that drags is actually an action item for a separate meeting.

    2. mcm*

      We do a daily meeting at the end of the day, and I think it also keeps it focused because we’ve just been thinking about work for 6-8 hours, rather than just getting to work from whatever’s going on at home.

      1. ferrina*

        I really like this idea. I find I’m more productive if I make my to-do list in the evening, then get time for it to settle into my brain before the next day.

      2. All Het Up About It*

        Yes. I tend to do my planning for the next day/week at the end of the day/week. I’m already in work mode, so it’s easier to do and then I’ve got a place to start the next day, etc. I don’t have to think “where did I leave off? What are my priorities today?”

        I get that it might not work for everyone, but there’s enough of a reason to experiment with it to try and see. And like others say the change in time might help with the change in tone. Because, that’s really what you are trying to do here. It’s NOT okay for these meetings to be like this. I worked with social workers for years in places where feelings were shared a lot and there was certainly a bit too much “we are family” mindset – but still I think I can count on one hand the number of times someone cried in a meeting.

    3. JSPA*

      A bit like the weekend vs weekday threads here, if everyone’s remote, maybe you can have an optional morning coffee/tea break call for touching base socially two or three times a week, and a work-only call, for getting work done.

      Or if there really are too many work calls, make Wednesday’s call a “personal challenges and how they will impact mid-range planning” call, and then don’t make time for those things the other 4 days (they can still contact you personally, but not burden the group).

      1. Sciencer*

        I came to suggest something similar. Since daily meetings are already excessive, but seemingly required by the org, actively set aside ONE of the daily meetings each week to be a place for “community building” or whatever you want to call it. Let folks know that you value the ways they support each other personally, but need to keep that contained, and so you’re asking all personal check-ins and updates to be saved for the community-building meeting day.

      2. sb51*

        Yeah, I was thinking similar things — if this is an all-remote team and they’re talking about their sick cat (or whatever) in the scrum meeting, they might need some optional social meetings or an off-topic slack chat, or both! And maybe move the scrum to a couple hours after everyone usually starts; let people get the how-ya-doing and the morning email slog out of the way, but early enough to inform most of people’s day.

    4. Saturday*

      I like this idea! If it’s a morning meeting, people are transitioning from home to work, and all that personal stuff is feeling really close. Try to catch people later, when they’ve been active at work for a while.

    5. North American Couch Wizard Society Member*

      I think it depends on what the purpose of the meeting is. I work in a doctors’ office and the “morning huddle” is held before patients start coming in to flag folks who have appointments that day who need specific things from someone on the team (like a diabetic foot exam, or to meet with the pharmacist, or whose spouse shouldn’t be allowed in the room with them, etc.) People end up running late over the course of the day so an end of day meeting would never work.

      I have to agree that a “quick” morning meeting where someone is in tears even 1 out of 5 days would be excruciating to me.

      Interestingly, OP didn’t mention whether those morning meetings were virtual. It sounds like they may not be, in which case switching to audio or just plowing through the agenda regardless of Cersei’s stricken expression will be a lot harder to do.

      1. Saturday*

        LW did say, “I make it clear to my team they don’t need to have cameras on for the meeting,” so it sounds virtual.

      2. Sloanicota*

        If that’s the case, something is really wrong to have so many tears at these meetings which sound like they should be very standard/cut and dry/brief. I honestly don’t even know what to say if multiple staff people are breaking down in that environment. But certainly it doesn’t seem effective to just keep pushing on the way you’ve been going.

      3. PatM*

        I agree. “Daily morning meeting that could be 15 minutes if it doesn’t get sidetracked” sounds like it would be about setting the priorities for the day, which wouldn’t be as useful if moved to later in the day.

        I also think that LW saying “come to the meeting” instead of “log on” or “call in” gives me the vibe that these are in person meetings. In that case, is it still a good idea to ask the crier to leave the meeting?

          1. yvve*

            depends on the job. I know in my job its just not possible (tho its also 24 hr shift work), because priorities and updates can change overnight, and new information comes in etc. We do also do start-of-shift briefings, 10 min max and they’re very useful

    6. Jack Straw from Wichita*

      This exact suggestion has worked well for my team. We don’t do mornings for a variety of reasons, including my own ability to function effectively in a group that early in the AM. 11 am is our sweet spot.

      But the main reason is that people haven’t had time to get into “work mode” yet, which sounds silly, but they haven’t had time to check email (which could change the obstacles, needs, etc. expressed in the meeting) or time to disconnect from their kid missing the bus that morning or the fight they had with their spouse.

    7. toolegittoresign*

      I was going to suggest this because if people have a lot going on, having that morning meeting where you list out everything you need to do may add to feelings of overwhelm and anxiety. Checking in at the end of the day to hear what’s been accomplished and what’s on deck for the next day seems like it could be less fraught.

  6. Greg C.*

    I’ve worked in environments with a similar meeting – can it be text-only? We had a slack channel where people would provide their update and any conversation needed happened with the minimal group.

    1. Sloanicota*

      Ooh, I like this suggestion, maybe a group document will satisfy management (like a table everyone updates or a spreadsheet everyone fills out during a set time) even if it’s just during a limited period to break the “morning meeting = group therapy” pattern of thinking. That’s actually also a kindness to people who are going through whatever personal tragedy.

    2. Mango*

      Yeah, our team used to do daily status meetings but eventually turned those into a Teams chat where we post how busy we are that day on a 1-5 scale and any (work) issues we need help with. Much better!

    3. Pay no attention...*

      This is my suggestion too. Make it a chat. If they have to type it all out, maybe they’ll curtail the personal details.

      If chat doesn’t work another suggestion is to move it to just before lunch, 11:45 am. People tend to get brief when they’ve had the morning to get into their work, and now they’re hungry.

      1. Tammy 2*

        Please don’t encourage intense personal sharing in meeting chats without being aware of how they are retained/searchable by your HR/IT/legal department.

        1. Tammy 2*

          (I understand that the hope is moving to chat would curtail this kind of sharing–but if it doesn’t, the OP might have a new problem on their hands, and it could spread the issue outside of their department–potentially publicly if they are in litigation or subject to FOIA-type disclosure.)

    4. Malarkey01*

      I really get this and that we’re all meeting overloaded BUT as more and more companies are trying to get away from WFH and use the lack of cohesion and team check ins, I would worry that reducing a quick standing meeting is going to provide less connection and a push to reduce WFH.

      1. Roland*

        Not sure I see the connection. My last in-persin team before covid also moved our standup to a dedicated slack channel.

    5. lilyp*

      If this is a standup meeting in an agile system, try saying you want to experiment with “asynchronous standups” a few days out of the week if you need a buzzword-y excuse to cancel the meetings haha

  7. Chairman of the Bored*

    1. Publish an agenda (general or specific, whichever is relevant)
    2. Put time bounds on the items in the agenda
    3. Follow the agenda

    This gives you a structure to refer back to if the check-ins and related conversation get out of hand.

    If somebody starts crying, move things along by saying “OK, the next item for discussion is…”

    1. ReallyBadPerson*

      This might work, but it does seem like a harsh way to do it. The LW is trying to change the crying culture (I cannot imagine what type of workplace devolves into this!), and cultural shifts happen in increments.

    2. ferrina*

      This is definitely part of the solution. It’s a little cold to just ignore someone crying, but you can take a moment and say “John, why don’t you take a moment. Go ahead and log off, and I’ll touch base with you in a little bit. Okay, the next item for discussion….”

    3. BigLawEx*

      Not sure how you’re conducting these meetings, but maybe you can mute the criers as well. Or mute and unmute everyone as needed.

      (This is my favorite meeting type. I’ve never conducted one, so I know it may be a hassle. But I love NOT hearing everyone’s dog/cat/kid/cough/construction).

  8. Nicole Coelho Antoun*

    And this is why I switched careers to being a personal trainer; I had enough trouble dealing gracefully with weekly staff meetings. Daily morning meetings sound like torture.

    Allison does have good advice if the psychos who run this company (heh heh) won’t cut back on the meetings.

    1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      I do daily morning meetings as part of an Agile Scrum team. It’s really productive.

      “Yesterday I ran the weekly reports and fixed a bug in X. Today I have a big meeting with the new client and will try to fix bug Y. I can’t move forward on new feature Z until we get the graphics done.”

      And then if there is anything critical for the team, or part of the team to address, we do that. It rarely lasts more than 2 minutes per person.

        1. Kevin Sours*

          I can get that. I think there is value to doing them live. Sometime somebody else “I’ve got this handled” but their tone of voice says something different.

      2. Flibbertigibbet*

        We have daily stand ups as part of our move to Agile, and they are short, but it is basically being taken through a list of tasks and saying “no change since yesterday” most of the time because we have too much work to do and things come up urgently. For 15 minutes and 8 people, that’s two hours of time we could spend on work instead of the depressing “no update”. We’ve actually moved to doing them three times a week and I’m trying hard to get it to even fewer. Don’t even get me started on the reviews and demos and inspect and adapts that endlessly repeat the same content to slightly different audiences. So much wasted time.

        1. Kevin Sours*

          I’m trying to make the math work? Because 15 minutes a day is 1.25 hours a week, not two hours. Do you mean 15 minutes per person per day? Because that’s insane.

          1. Brianne*

            1i5 minutes per person, for eight people, per day. Two hours of work time wasted per day, spread across the team.

            2. Varthema*

              oooohh 2 hours a day is not Agile. Daily stand-ups should be 15 minutes, 30 minutes max if everything’s bats**** and needs extra attention but in that case it doesn’t feel perfunctory, just necessary.

          2. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

            Also, overhead. Can’t get into something too close to the meeting. Usually takes a few minutes to decompress after the meeting and try to find a new groove. A nominal 15 minute meeting can easily consume an hour or more of real productivity.

            1. Saturday*

              This is my issue. A 15 meeting doesn’t sound like much, but it starts pulling my attention away about 15 minutes before, and then it takes about the same amount of time afterward to get back to where I was before the meeting.

    2. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      Honestly, daily stand-ups are the least annoying of my many meetings! There’s a clear purpose, getting sidetracked is not allowed, and they never run late.

  9. Serious Silly Putty*

    Adding times to agendas can help. Perhaps schedule the last 10 minutes as optional personal catch-up time?

    1. Frosty*

      This seems like it would have the opposite effect – giving people MORE time to be upset in a group

      1. Clisby*

        And why would anyone care about “personal catch-up time?” Unless the idea is that people who want to have a personal catch-up with the team leader could stay in the meeting and everyone else could drop out?

    2. Fern*

      When I ran staff meetings I tried to leave at least 10 minutes at the end for chit-chat. We were a remote team and team members complained about not getting enough time to connect.

      As the manager I alternated hanging out with them and leaving to let them talk without me. I also made it clear folks could leave and not participate in that part of the meeting if they didn’t want to that day.

      The secret was putting it at the end so that if we went off the rails, we had already finished the agenda. Usually off the rails for my folks devolved into discussions of Star Wars or board games.

    3. fhqwhgads*

      The whole meeting (in question) should be 10-15 minutes. There is no room for personal catch-up time.

  10. Isben Takes Tea*

    It’s hard because “How are you?” is such a social default, but it can definitely trigger more emotional reactions than people (on either side) really want (I’ve thought about this a lot as someone who has almost cried on days when I was holding things together just fine until I was directly asked this question!).

    It’s certainly hard to stop other people from asking “How are you?,” but if you have any agency over these meetings and can start shifting the default greeting to a different interaction “Oh good morning! What’s the weather like for you today?/Looking forward to anything today?/What’s this morning’s brew?” as people join, I’ve noticed this can help a lot.

    It’s something I have to specifically and intentionally prepare before calls or else “How are you?” always slips out, but it has been helpful in reducing more negative vibes or emotional reactions from people who genuinely have some difficult things going on but derail from the meeting’s goals.

  11. EA*

    I wonder what a “mid-size” team is and whether it could be broken down into smaller groups, at least some days, and making sure that the manager has 1-on-1s with everyone separately. I think it would be easier to keep the larger group meeting on task if there’s another time when people could bring up personal issues.

  12. C4TL4DY*

    I wouldn’t ask people how they are doing. This isn’t how normal daily stand up meetings usually go. It should just be discussing what you are working on.

    1. ferrina*

      Yeah, IME the first couple people chat about inane stuff while they wait for everyone to show up, then once you reach critical mass the meeting organizer starts on the agenda. You don’t need to wait for the social talk to end- you can end the social talk by saying “Looks like everyone is here! I know we all have a busy day, so I’m going to jump in.”

      The first time you do it, explain what you are doing- “We are going to now try to have this meeting focused to strictly work stuff. I’m going to try to keep this as short as possible so we can all get on with our day, so I’m going to stick to the agenda really closely. If folks want to stick around and chat once the meeting is over, you are welcome to do that. Alright, item 1….”
      Be really strict about sticking to the agenda for the first few weeks until everyone gets into the habit.

    2. Looper*

      Strongly agree with this. If it’s a daily stand up, ideally very few people will be contributing anything because it should only be about immediate goals and needs.

  13. Daughter of Ada and Grace*

    The 15 minute daily meeting sounds a lot like the daily standup that you see in a lot of software development teams. It gets its name from the fact that when everyone is in the same physical space, you do this standing up (incentive to keep things short!) It’s intended to be very focused – each person gives a summary of what they did yesterday, what they plan to do today, and any obstacles to completing their work. It generally takes less than a minute per person. It is not intended for in depth discussions of anything, whether it’s work or personal.

    1. Jimmy Dugan*

      I’ve never had crying during stand-up. I have had plenty of complaining about JIRA, but no actual tears.

      1. Carit*

        I don’t know, we’ve had rage-tears and “flames on the side of my face” more than once. Also some “why?! whyyyy did the pick this?!!”

        Like a lot of others in tech, I actually really like the daily stand up. It keeps all of us focused, and lets us shuffle resources really well when something is on fire, too.

        I’ve seen several suggestions to do this via text, e.g., slack. For us, that would be deadly. It takes much longer to write things out, and people are less immediate and candid. Better to zip around and head out. My 2¢.

        1. Slow Gin Lizz*

          I think the beauty of doing it via text (my team does 3x/week digiscrum) is that you can do it asynchronously. So, if it’s helpful for you to do it first thing in the morning, great, and if you forget and do it at 2pm, no big deal. And even if you’re a slow-ish typer, it’ll still be quicker than having to listen to everyone else’s items. Of course, you’re right that it’s less immediate so if that is important to your team, then going text for scrum wouldn’t work.

          1. Scrummaster*

            the whole point is to have the undivided attention of your fellow team members for a short period of time both to know what’s going on and to brainstorm blockers; text/message standups, especially asynchronous ones, are much more likely to be ignored unless/until someone has some reason to seek it out. It doesn’t really serve the same purpose.

      2. fhqwhgads*

        I’ve experienced people crying during a stand up but it was the day everyone found out a great coworker had unexpectly died. Given the details it made sense everyone was kinda shook. But that’s pretty much it.

  14. Ama*

    I wonder if the group has accidentally come to think of the purpose of these meetings as emotional checkins not business checkins. The fact that people are showing up already close to tears feels like they might think they *have * to share their personal struggles and it is making them feel upset before they even log on. I think Alison’s advice is all good but OP might want to consider starting the meeting off with their own business focused update for a while to help model the kind of update that’s actually wanted.

    1. Snow Globe*

      I had the same thought. It seems strange to me that this happens so frequently and with different people that it seems like people are thinking that this what the checkin is for!

    2. Ellis Bell*

      Yeah, I think OP doesn’t expect the “how are you” question to be taken literally, but I think calling it a “check in” and then letting the occasional person unload emotionally at the meeting, and then responding totally uncritically with a ton of help when people are struggling, (very understandably!) has led people to believe that this forum is set up for soliciting exactly that kind of help. I’d probably change the tone of the meeting significantly by saying “I’d like us to move through the attached agenda quite swiftly during our morning status updates from now on, because we need to keep them to 15 minutes. If there’s anything outside the agenda going on, you can contact me to let me know any significant or individual issues, but please keep the meetings focused on the agenda items.” I would also just blanket state that cameras off is the default because it helps keep things productive and keeps the focus on the agenda. Rather than asking how people are, I’d just say “First item on the agenda: Phil, can you give us your latest updates on x?” and if someone seems too upset, or too wide of the mark, just say “That’s okay, I’ll catch up with you separately. Can you sign off, and I’ll be in touch when we’re done.” Then reiterate 1-1 that if they can’t participate in the agenda, you need them to beg off the meeting,l in advance, because the meeting isn’t where you want to be informed. Follow up with the same support you would usually offer, but only after you’ve discussed it off-stage, in the preferred forum for that. This stuff isn’t always inferred, it has to be directly communicated.

      1. Seashell*

        That makes sense to me. Even just a “I hope everyone’s doing well” followed by going right to the business at hand might help avoid an outpouring of emotion.

    3. el l*

      I think it absolutely has become a support group – rather than the better purpose of a business meeting.

      Which is to communicate important things and get things done.

      I think OP has to set a tone of strictly business. At least for now. Most of the time I for one would prefer the empathy, but this has gone too far and spiraled. A commitment to behavior is what’s needed now.

    4. Nesprin*

      Yeah- I wonder if it’d be useful to setup a separate meeting for work and turn the current meeting over to someone from the EAP if there is that much trauma in the team.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      Yeah this sounds like it’s basically just daily group therapy at this point. I’m an easy crier and an empathetic person but I lost patience for this staff before I even finished reading the letter lol

  15. Port*

    It might also help to have a written agenda template to have something concrete to refer to when things are getting off track. The activity of generating data or discussion items to fill in the blanks of the agenda at the start can get everyone more focused on the work at hand and fill in the space where there was previously room for tears. In Zoom you could post a link to a shared file that you all fill in ahead of discussion.

  16. WorkerDrone*

    I feel like Zoom can solve this problem pretty easily.

    First, make sure you are host of the meeting and that the meeting cannot start until you start it. This way, there is no opportunity for chatting beforehand and no opportunity for people to start asking how everyone is.

    When you start the meeting, make sure everyone’s mic is automatically muted so they can’t start chatting the second the meeting opens.

    Also, when you start the meeting, launch immediately into it – do not give someone else the opportunity to speak first: “Hi guys! We’ve been going over the scheduled 15 minutes lately so I’m going to dive right in to keep us on schedule. Tommy, do you have yesterday’s figures from the TPS report?”

  17. WellRed*

    We had someone who started providing personal updates on normal aging family stuff during our already somewhat irrelevant weekly meeting, no crying but kind of attention seeking and had a tendency to go and on. Even better, if a manager then said “oh, no” or left a pause they’d take it as invitation to continue, sometimes with personal details of family members etc. I do relate to the part in the letter about other employees having to then share the emotional burden. I finally spoke up and got my hand slapped for my troubles but the pattern stopped so it was worth it. But, mgt should have curtailed this much sooner.

    1. Generic Name*

      Yeah, something like this dynamic was happening at my last company. There was a particular managers meeting, and the person leading the meeting was an absolute buffoon. The meetings ranged from awkward at best to downright awful, and at least one person would be crying after this meeting. Thankfully I, and the rest of that group have moved to better companies, but the crying definitely reflect overall problems at the company.

  19. I just work here*

    I wonder if it would help to schedule, say, a biweekly “informal coffee chat” for your team to get together (OPTIONALLY) to hang out, where these more personal conversations can occur in their own space. as long as people understand that it’s optional. it might help funnel those condos out of business oriented meetings.

  20. Festively Dressed Earl*

    Is LW’s field an exceptionally stressful one, or possibly one that involves a lot of heart-wrenching situations? I ask because this sounds like a lot of crying stemming from solely personal issues, unless this team is having severely bad luck lately.

    If it is partially the workplace, it may be time to find ways to dial down the work-related stress – re-evaluate people’s workloads, check for any missing stairs or harassers that are likely to prompt an AAM letter, talk up the EAP if you have one. Also, this may seem bizarre to suggest, but would any of your team prefer working onsite at the moment just to get away from home stress?

    1. Guacamole Bob*

      From the title I assumed that the letter would be about a workplace dealing with really tough issues – some kinds of direct social service, say. That would be challenging but these emotionally tough fields do need to find appropriate ways to support employees.

      But this is people’s personal stuff that they’re bringing to work! If I think back over the past few years for my team, I know people have had plenty of challenging things happen, but they don’t bring them into team meetings! They discuss them with their manager or with colleagues they’re close to on the side, not with the whole group. This degree of personal stuff that people want to share with coworkers is A LOT.

  21. H.Regalis*

    Is there a nice way to tell repeat criers that they need to maybe skip the meeting if they feel like crying?

    If you mean nice as in “a way that won’t upset them,” then no, there’s not, because you can’t control how other people react; however, I still think you should still follow Alison’s advice. This a work meeting, not a support group. You can have empathy for people who are struggling without signing up to be their pro bono therapist. The repeat criers need to stop leaning on their colleagues for emotional support like this. Work is a captive audience; you can’t just walk away because you’re all still there to do your jobs. If your employees have access to an EAP, by all means refer them to it, but ultimately it’s on them to figure out another way to handle their own emotions.

  22. Athena*

    As someone who used to cry often at work pre-pandemic due to an anxiety disorder, chronic pain, bullying bosses, and PTSD caused by a stalker (all resolved by the cops/court system thankfully!), I would forgo with having any team members do an update and instead just ask them ahead of the meeting to submit a short update and have the manager read them. No need to call on anyone during the meeting. I am in an entirely different career nowadays and if I had to have a daily team meeting, I’d look for a new job. I find most meetings to be emotionally draining even if I like the job or the people I work with!

    Also, I would privately suggest therapy sessions if the company offers mental health services for employees or at least a mental health day for people who don’t want to participate.

    1. Scrummaster*

      don’t work at a tech company. or anywhere else using agile/lean/six sigma processes. participation in daily standups is generally required – what you did since the last meeting, what you plan to do until the next, and any blockers you’re facing.

  23. aarti*

    Oh god. I am a crier and really really good at this age – finally – at controlling it. I could not handle people crying even a few times a week. I would grow to dread every morning. Do you want me to hate my job? Do you want me to dread every morning?
    Please put a halt to this, somehow.

  24. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

    All I can think is, omg, stop asking people how they’re doing at the beginning of the meeting!

    Also, do these meetings have to be at the beginning of the day? Would it be possible to have them at say, 4pm/close to the end of the day? Maybe changing the time would help reset these meetings’ purpose a bit.

    Have an agenda. Even if the agenda is literally the same thing every day, it might help people focus on the work instead of the emotions.

    1. Person from the Resume*

      Yes.

      How is your work going? How are you doing on your tasks?

      I understand when someone at work asks “how I’m doing?” my answer should be a work related. Or at least, not particularly personal.

  25. Abigail*

    I would designate a time and place for personal life updates.

    A separate Slack channel for personal life discussion would be my go-to if you use Slack.

    If you don’t, consider a personal life update included in your meeting agenda once a week. Block off 20 minutes or so for people to catch up if they want to. Then if somebody starts up at another time you can say “please bring that to our catch up on Friday.”

    Your team thinks their co-workers are their support system. If you cut them off cold turkey it will feel like a punishment. Siphoning it off will probably keep the morale of the group up a little better.

  26. Heather*

    This seems like a management issue to me. Even with legitimate concerns, your team has derailed your agendas and changed the dynamic of the meetings for quite some time. It is managements job to keep them focused and on topic in a kind way.
    It seems to me that the management may have needed to step in much sooner when this happened a second and third time. For those seeing something similar, reiterate that the meetings are a quick check in for daily on work issues, not personal ones, and that personal issues that effect work or your ability work should be brought directly to management privately.
    As it is now too late, I agree with Allison’s idea of asking people to turn off their cameras for a week and reiterate that the meetings need to be focused on the work agenda and when people go off topic, gently draw them back to the agenda item at hand.

  27. Apples and Oranges*

    If the group really needs “support group time” could that not be facilitated as something separate? Like everyone who wants to talk about more personal topics can stay for the15 minutes after the meeting to do so? Then the organizer can just defer things to that meeting if they come up during the work meeting. I realize that work is supposed to be about work, but there are some industries like healthcare where that kind of cameraderie is really important and can be helpful, as long as the activities are voluntary

    2. Owl-a-roo*

      I am specifically wondering whether OP works in healthcare. Our org encourages daily meetings called “huddles” which are supposed to be five minutes or less. The idea is to share any relevant information (for example, room 502 isn’t available because the bed isn’t working) and make sure every area has what they need before starting the day/shift. In that context, they work well, but they look very different when the supporting departments of healthcare (like IT) try to do this. We tried daily huddles years ago and had to quit because they kept getting derailed by people who (understandably) didn’t understand the point of the daily meeting.

  28. Ivyflies*

    These sound like they’re daily scrums/stand-ups, which are necessary and effective meetings when done right. This is probably the first time I disagree with the options Alison gave. My suggestion is to simply rebaseline with the team on the purpose and format of the standup. I wouldn’t call out the emotional baggage / empathy thing on its own but would simply say that we’ve been getting off topic in our meetings which is causing them to drag out and that you’ll start pushing people to stay on track. Reiterate that each person has X amount of time to run through what they did yesterday, what they’re doing today and if they have any blockers and that they should only bring up actionable items on these calls.

    1. Lana Kane*

      I’ve led daily huddles, which is what my employer calls them, and this is exactly what I’d recommend. There’s a very specific reason for these kinds of meetings and they tend to be short since it’s a touchbase and a way to troubleshoot specific issues that are expected to come up that day.

      I’d say something along the lines of “Our daily huddles are starting to exceed the amount of time they’re supposed to take, so I’ll be starting them by going directly into our agenda items and I ask that we focus on those. If you need any support from me, please let me know separately.” Maybe also send out a reminder of the goals of these huddles so people can refer to them. At first people will invariably revert to the old patterns, but then you gently call it out. “Terry, if you need my help today, let’s chat after the meeting. I just need to have us circle back to our agenda so we can get on with our day.” (or whatever wording you feel works best with the group)

      1. Scrummaster*

        I’ve been a scrummaster and I’d also suggest holding standup a bit later in the day. It gives folks a chance to get into work mode and sort out/remind themselves what they’re doing and where they’re at. I know some places do it at the end of the day as a sort of cap to each day, but in my opinion that can also lead to a level of having already checked out for the day and means folks can immediately take any suggested steps for their blockers which can lead to a sense that they’re hanging over your head. Most places I’ve worked held standups some time between 10am-1:30pm, although some with a lot of folks who typically start their day on the later side might shift that start window an hour or so later.

  30. Soon to be ex spouse*

    I wonder what industry this is – is it primarily people of a certain demographic?

    In full confession I have gone through periods of my life where I am more or less emotionally fragile. I have been trying to conceive, and pregnant; I have lived in an area affected by terrorist violence; I have had young children; I have gone through recessions and a pandemic – and now I am perimenopausal. I promise you if there were ten of me in this department meeting, odds are 1 of us would be in the verge of extreme emotion every day. Honestly that’s part of why I like working in more diverse environments where people have other life experiences and perspectives and their own issues and it helps me able to see mine differently. I just think if that isn’t the case for whatever reason, every one might be similarly on edge and that is something to manage and know about in a workplace

  31. Jessica Clubber Lang*

    I don’t think changing the times or frequency will make a difference unless LW specifically calls out what needs to change. Not in a super harsh way, but just that everybody needs to stick to their work update and no more personal stuff.

    I’ve never heard of anything like this – if it doesn’t change I’m afraid you will drive some of the better folks away. This is not a good work environment imo

  32. Fierce Jindo*

    Train yourself to replace “how are you?” with “it’s nice to see you.”

    It’s also far more humane for the people for whom the first question is provoking tears.

    2. carrot cake*

      If “How are you?” makes people cry, something is very wrong, and it’s not the “How are you?”

      That is such a common, breezy question.

      1. Random Bystander*

        Sometimes it can be something that is very wrong in a person’s life, but they’re able to hold it all together until being confronted with the common, normally breezy question … but four days after a cancer diagnosis, even forcing the words “fine” past my lips would be enough to bring down the carefully constructed walls holding up my composure.

        Three years, four months later–I am well and cancer-free. It’s just that I recall a time when just superficial social niceties took more than I could manage.

      2. Dahlia*

        I think the fact that people are crying in meetings indicates that something is very wrong.

        I once had such an exceptionally shitty day that when I HAD to go to a store for something I couldn’t go without, I had to wear sunglasses because I was pretty much still crying. The “how are you” from the cashier made me audibly choke up.

  33. smirkette*

    I’ve been on both sides of this, and I get that there’s no crying in baseball work, but some of us cannot be stoic no matter how hard we try, meds we take, and/or therapies we undertake—please do not assume criers are manipulative. This situation sucks and I feel bad for everyone involved.

    +1 on the Slack channel (maybe you could do the call twice a week and do an asynch check-in the other three days?), +1 explore switching time of day (emotional regulation is hard when people are tired) & +1 voice-only (personally I find it much easier to fake my voice than my face).

    The world is pretty awful right now, and there’s mounting data suggesting that covid can effect the parts of our brain that help with emotional regulation. That plus the increasingly precarious financial position people find themselves in these days, fears about political stability, family safety, toxic stress from bigotry, dealing with more frequent and more severe natural disasters…I expect we’ll see more and not less of this in workplaces since so few places are doing any sort of meaningful covid mitigation.

  34. Specks*

    This sounds so incredibly exhausting. When I’m going through a hard time, the last thing I want is to get into it enough with coworkers to start crying (I literally can’t imagine… a minute or two of updating them once, yes, but crying!). And someone else melting down would just make me think of it for the next several hours or day instead of being able to focus on work, which would then really negatively spill over into my life and parenting. Your coworkers, not each other’s support group. I bet at least some people in your group are discomfited by all this, not just you… so please gently but firmly shut it down for them.

  35. Malarkey01*

    This also may sound harsh, but I have also had a conversation with someone to explain that while I am supportive, we aren’t robots, and I know emotions can’t always be controlled but that it was not professional to cry in meetings. If they needed to step out to collect themselves I would understand but we also needed them to work on the issue because I could not send them out on projects if they may begin crying with the customers and vendors.

    Obviously there are times that are more emotional for folks and I would not have done this with someone going through a specific tough time and I do understand that some people cry more than easily, but it’s not a leap to say we need some emotional regulation. You 100% would not see a doctor who was crying during your exam or be okay with your pilot or check out cashier in tears while trying to do business.

  37. Person from the Resume*

    I really feel like Alison’s answer missed the ball.

    These daily meetings (as brief as 15 minutes) have a very specific purpose: capture figures and flag any issues.

    Some employees are derailing your meeting; it’s not meant to be a check-in on individuals mental health.

    (1) Start being explicit that these meetings are about work related topics only. You ask questions worded in such a way that it’s clear you’re asking about work.

    (2) Also tell the people who have a habit of crying not to join if they feel like they may cry.

    Can you tell a person who starts to cry that they should leave the meeting to get a handle on their emotions? (There must be a better wording)

    This is actually what I would want to happen if I started to cry. I do NOT want to cry in front of others. But it may seem harsh since you’ve allowed this meeting to often turn into people comforting a crier. Stopping it / making a change can be tough, but should be done.

  38. Mango Freak*

    For the next few meetings, can you arrange to arrive 1 minute late and immediately dive into the agenda?

    “Okay everyone don’t want to take up your time, let’s start with status updates. Candy Spout Team, where are we on the non-pareil sourcing?”

  39. Consonance*

    I think it would be helpful for the LW to consider setting these guardrails/boundaries/practices in place as a kindness to the team. For one thing, as others have mentioned, they may think that the purpose of the meeting isn’t just business but also bonding/support. If they’re wrong about that, you need to tell them that. For another, if I’m emotional at work, it can actually be really helpful to have meetings where I need to set that aside. Obviously I don’t want to ignore it forever, and having a kind ear can be helpful, but if they’re already emotional and trying to get into work headspace, entering an emotional environment might be actively preventing them from switching gears in the way they want/need to. I love Allison’s scripts as a way to reset the tone of the meeting for everyone.

  40. paige*

    Agree with other commenters that the best solution here is to move the personal checking in / team culture curation to another meeting space so it doesn’t default to these morning stand-ups!

    I’ve worked in a couple places where we had a daily 15-20 min standup that was strictly quick updates and working through flags, and then a longer 30-45 min weekly team meeting on mondays or fridays that was a step-back on priorities, workload, and involved a round-the-horn ups/downs (or roses/thorns/buds) for the week that gave folks dealing with personal stuff an opportunity to share and get support without derailing other meetings throughout the week.

    At my current job, we literally call our weekly 30 min department meeting our “vibes meeting” because that’s the meeting where we talk about how things are going with everyone vibes-wise, vs other meetings throughout the week that are strictly project-based and only have the specific people on them that are moving the work on those projects.

    Could be a helpful way to re-orient these support group moments without completely shutting them down, if it seems like most folks genuinely appreciate this kind of team culture!

  41. OP*

    Hi everyone- OP here. Thank you for all of your comments, in the month or so since I wrote I’ve had a few positive changes:

    Firstly some of the significant personal pressures some of my team were under have eased, meaning they are generally in a much better place.

    There has been a change up in the department which lead to some new faces into my team, which has shaken the dynamic up a little as well for the better.

    The most effective change was what a lot of you have suggested though, which is my management of the meeting. I’ve jumped straight into the agenda and communicated that we have a set 15 mins and need to keep on track. It has helped enormously, and the tone of the meetings is much more upbeat now.

    I’ve read some comments that made me realise that I was accidentally encouraging some of this behaviour. I think some of the team felt like bad news *had* to be announced in some way, and that the team meeting was the place to do it. I’ve had zero meltdowns since the time of writing, but if it happens again will make a point of telling that person to drop off the call and take some personal time and will catch up with them later.

    Thank you all for your insights, I’ve taken it all in and I’m grateful for this chance to reflect.

    3. Generic Name*

      That’s awesome! I’m glad that there were some simultaneous changes so it didn’t have to be an obvious, “there’s way too much crying so we need a reset”.

      1. Silver Robin*

        Yeah, I was thinking the same. Convenient, helpful, and successful!

        New folks probably also cooled down the presumed level of acceptable intimacy/vulnerability. A team that knows each other well and has for a while might be willing to get more personal with one another, but introduce a new face and it suddenly feels different because those relationships are less established.

  43. Dido*

    I’m fascinated by how work cultures like this develop in the first place. I couldn’t imagine anyone thinking that it’s okay to get this personal and inappropriate with boundaries at either of the professional jobs I’ve had since graduating college

  44. Someone Else's Boss*

    Can I add – Are these meetings being managed? When I find meetings are easily derailed, I just tighten the reins. Launch right into the meeting topic, have an agenda visible (screen share), and stay on topic. If something else comes up, “I understand if you need to step away, but let’s keep on topic for now and chat after the meeting is over.” Also, tell people about the change. They think the meeting is for crying, they come ready to cry. Let them know the meeting will end strictly at the 15 minute mark, and then stick with it.

  45. S*

    Sorry if this has been said already, but this sounds like a standup, which is a very typical Agile thing. You can do these asynchronously!! Have a dedicated Teams/Slack channel, and everyone is expected to post their focus for the day by 9:15 or whatever. As manager, you can either follow up via Teams, or call folks.

  46. GoodNPlenty*

    I was exhausted just reading this letter. That’s way too much emotional spillover. In nursing we always had handoff meetings but 10 minutes tops. And if they had become dumping grounds for sadness, we’d have never gotten anything done. Reframing the meetings as Alison outlined is a great start.

  47. Brad*

    I’ve been to a lot of meetings, and I don’t remember any crying in any that didn’t involve saying goodbye to somebody.

  49. TinyLeptonAvoider*

    A new manager introduced standups to replace our long-winded, chatty meetings. However, it felt more like we were being called on to explain ourselves than being given help to solve problems or clear the way for us to get on with our work. She’s lovely in other situations, but in standups she was visibly irritated if we weren’t concise enough. Sharing updates often led to criticism, or solutions being imposed that weren’t helpful. We became too afraid to share information with the manager, and she became frustrated with us for the lack of information. I don’t think she meant the meetings to come across as they did – she was just busy and under pressure.
    It’s not the same situation, but OP, can you check privately with a couple of team members how they are experiencing the meetings? For them, does it feel like they have to explain in front of their colleagues that they can’t keep up with their workload? Is the purpose mainly so you know what the team are working on? Or does it provide practical help to team members? What kind of meeting/update would be most useful to them?

  50. Bruce*

    I was in a group where in our weekly meeting we would spend 20 minutes or more going around the circle with people sharing about their personal lives. It wasn’t daily but it got to be excessive. When our manager moved on (to a very successful career, I like them a lot and we are still in touch!) that practiced ended and no one really seemed to miss it.

    1. Georgia Carolyn Mason*

      Oh, I’d love to be free of ours! My team’s weekly starts with each person sharing one professional and one personal success, but it has devolved into endless discussion of peoples’ weekends or their sports team’s performance. It goes way over and we still have to end the meeting after an hour, which is frustrating when legit agenda items get pushed. Sure, let’s wait a week to talk about staffing for an event…next week. It’s much more productive to hear how everyone’s alma mater’s football team did! Sigh…

  51. Anon for this*

    I attend a meeting each week that is actually a mental health support group, and we don’t have that many people crying!

    Not that things aren’t worth crying over, or that life isn’t overwhelming and stressful, but some of these employees should be skipping these calls if life is so overwhelming that being on a zoom call makes tears happen. Save the emotional labour for people who have signed up for it, like members of a mental health (or other) support group, or a counsellor or therapist.

  52. Web of Pies*

    Workplaces that require this sort of daily meeting are not workplaces that can be reasoned with; the one I dealt with required cameras-on, and the meeting never accomplished anything.

    It’s just because the micromanaging boss wants to make sure butts are in seats.

    1. Ganymede II*

      Not necessarily. Plenty of types of work require that. Newsrooms need an editorial meeting, scrum teams need a review of what everyone is working on, hospital medical teams do a morning briefing/handover… It’s not out of the norm.

  53. JL*

    We also have daily scrum meetings. Yes a group chat could serve the same purpose and yes ours often get side-tracked with chit-chat, but it sounds like LW’s issue is a matter of bad luck with several people having personal struggles at the moment, not with the meetings themselves. Agree with Alison’s suggestion keep the meetings on-topic and skip the “how are you”s.

    I do find this situation baffling. I cry A LOT in my private life and have cried a couple times in-office (privately, in the restroom), but when brought to tears during a video call — once when learning a colleague died unexpectedly and another at a colleague’s sendoff — I simply turned off my camera so as to not make others uncomfortable. I’d find this terribly draining as a member of LW’s team.

  54. Rachel*

    This really sounds like a meeting that should be an email. This was tried where I work (a resort) and in the end it turned out that it really was – we get a daily email with general “you should know” information.

  55. I Have RBF*

    Required morning meetings sounds like a corporate “Agile” mandate, which usually means Scrum and it’s sprints, standups, retros, planning poker and all that crap. If this stuff does not work for your team, but the higher ups insist on it (cargo-culting is a hell of a drug), there’s not a lot you can do to get rid of the meetings.

    However, if it’s a “daily standup”, you can lean heavily on the “it’s just for status and surfacing blockers, not going down rabbit holes” to keep it short and on topic. Done, doing, blockers and maybe upcoming is all you need. No distraction with technical details, keep it moving. If anyone gripes, tell them it’s not a deep dive, just an Agile standup. If it keeps getting bogged down, go cameras off and one shared status screen.

    I hope this helps.

  56. Tiger Snake*

    LW looks to be describing Stand Up meetings, which are very common in the IT industry. They’re called that because the idea is that they’re meant to be so quick and focused that you’re not there long enough to sit down. In a circle; what are you going to work on today, is it on track, are there work blockers we need to jump in and fix.
    It can be annoying to do daily, but it’s not a big deal because these are by nature quick. You get in, you go through your circle: Anna was working on X all yesterday but the senior director sent some meetings that have completely changed this direction and now she needs to start over; boss and Anna will take that offline to talk to the director more. Steven is going to do Y because that’s the priority, but he also has X in his backlog and is worried it won’t meet the deadline, so Jeff said he had capacity and will do it instead. Anyone else got something that stops them from working? Okay, go team you’re doing good, let’s get out coffee and get started.

    It means that the idea that you come in crying is baffling to me. The type of activity LW is describing is so short and on point that I can only think: if you can’t hold it together for 15 minutes, then how are they actually meant to get anything done today? Clearly you should be calling in sick because you are having breakdown in front of me and that means you need a mental health day.

    Which brings me to: LW, why aren’t we telling these people to take a sick day for their mental health when this happens? Is there a cultural problem in the office where people feel like they can’t take time off?

  57. Caleb (he/they)*

    Ooh, possible suggestion: my (remote) team previously did video meetings 3x a week, but a few months ago, we switched to one weekly video meeting and then two weekly check-ins over Slack. The Slack check-ins are pretty quick–basically just a way for people to say “This is what I’m working on right now, this is what I need other people in here to do so I can complete XYZ”.

    If your organization won’t let you stop having daily meetings, would it be possible to switch 3-4 of them to Slack instead of calls?

  58. Pennyworth*

    Stop asking how everyone is!

    Seriously, when I was in a really bad mental state the one thing that would set me off was being asked how I was in front of other people. I would start to cry and feel totally humiliated, even though everyone was kind and supportive.

    Just make it clear that anyone with issues affecting their work can speak to you privately, and keep the group meetings totally work focused.

  59. Librarian*

    is it possible to touch base with the regular criers (cryers?) 15 min before the daily stand up? then separately you can say “it’s ok to skip the stand up” and you brief them.

    or are these meetings happening literally as people are walking in the door (physically or virtually) with no time to change gears, set up a workspace?

    even 10 min of “I’m working now” time before you have to join into the group with work may make a difference?

  61. Panhandlerann*

    Honestly, the crying seems to have become “habit,” as if folks now feel that it’s almost expected that someone should cry at each meeting. I don’t think that’s happening consciously, though.

  62. Bay Pursuit*

    Not able to read all the comments so this might be repeating something—

    There are ways to wield (show) empathy against disruptive displays of emotions. I encounter this in non-work spaces and address it with some version of this phrasing:

    It sounds like you’re going through a really difficult time right now. It can be rough, and I hope you have some support for this outside of [work]. But I’ve noticed that sharing these heavy topics can affect [the team], or even be triggering. Unfortunately we just aren’t equipped to provide meaningful support, and that makes it even harder for us to do what we need to. I’d like to ask that we leave these heavy topics aside in these meetings

  63. Ganymede II*

    Is there something else going on? This is so wildly out out of the norm that it makes me wonder if there is some unusual pressure in this team that causes multiple people to be unable to keep their emotions in check. Like yes, life happens, and it could be a massive coincidence that a lot of team members have a major life upheaval at the same time… but occam’s razor makes me think that the common denominator is being a member of this team in particular.

  64. HonorBox*

    This seems like a lot. I understand that people have a lot of stuff going on in their lives, and I love a team that is supportive of one another. But having people regularly cry in meetings is abnormal. OP, you need to just get through your agenda. Don’t allow for the conversation to go away from the agenda you’ve set. Tell people to turn their cameras off so whatever emotions people are wearing on their faces isn’t obvious. If someone needs to address something with you, give them the go ahead at the end of the meeting to reach out to you directly and individually.

    Given that people have a lot going on in their lives, the last thing they may need is having to shoulder more from others. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t care for and support one another. But they’re coworkers, not in position to provide that kind of support. And for those who might be having a perfectly fine day, having to navigate this first thing in the morning is also potentially putting them in a bad place too. This is just too much for work.

  65. Hyaline*

    It really feels like this group has lost any sense of boundaries between work objectives and personal connection and is using the work space as a personal one–which, honestly, makes sense for a lot of remote workers. They’re flying solo most of the day and the meeting may be their default face to face time the way the lunch room or coffee station would be in an office. During COVID a lot of our department’s usual objective-oriented meetings shifted quite a bit toward sharing challenges and problems (though mostly still work-oriented), just because we were missing that “drop by your office or run into you in the hallway” brand of conversation. The creep of personal interaction encroaching on work objectives is understandable–but that doesn’t mean you resign yourself to it. Agenda, audio only, jump right in…and maybe, I guess, if you feel that your team does benefit from some “group therapy” meeting time, facilitate that by letting the Zoom room stay open AFTER the meeting for OPTIONAL personal check-ins and chat once or twice a week?

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