staff member says I’m triggering their unresolved trauma, employee calls me his “lady boss,” and more

by Alison Green on October 22, 2024

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My employee says I’m triggering their unresolved trauma

I have a question as to how to manage a direct report who has admitted that they have self esteem issues resulting from unresolved childhood trauma. It is evident in any dealings with them that they struggle with any form of authority being shown — they get upset with a simple question about what have they been working on since our last fortnightly check in, particularly if tasks have not been completed. I’ve always made it clear that due to the reactive nature of their role that I understand that the action plan can be pushed to the side if urgent matters pop up, I just need to understand what they are. These conversations almost always end in emotion outbursts, no matter how I handle the conversation.

It has been getting worse and now I’ve been told that I am a trigger for their trauma but they can only say that there is “something about my style” which brings back issues. I have nothing to work with! I don’t shout, I don’t blame, and I make myself available when required even if I’m busy. Other colleagues and reports have no issues with my style and have advised me that they find me approachable. I have my moments as everyone does when I’m busy because I’m human. But how do I deal with someone who has said I trigger unresolved trauma when I have nothing to work with?

You can’t solve this for them. You should let them know that if they can propose specific changes you could make that would help them, you’re open to trying to work with what they need. (You shouldn’t promise you’ll make changes before knowing what they might be, because some could be unreasonable or unworkable, but you can certainly promise that you’ll hear them out with an open mind and try to accommodate them if you can.) But you also need to be forthright about the reality that they do need to update you on their work and answer your questions about their projects; that part isn’t negotiable. If they can suggest ways to make that easier on them (for example, maybe they’d prefer sending you updates in writing ahead of your check-ins), you’ll try to work with them — but the basic facts of having a manager (that they will need to keep you updated on their work and answer questions) won’t change. Lay that out in a kind but direct way, and let them decide if they’re up for that or not. If they decide they’re not, or that they can’t, there’s no shame in that — but you should be clear that it does need to happen if they want to stay in the role.

Related:
my employee asked me not to give him any feedback

2. Was I wrong to refuse to answer coworkers’ questions about my life?

I just started a new job, and my coworkers are trying to get to know me. One of them asked me, “Are you in a relationship or married?” I don’t see what that has to do with work so I said, “Sometimes.”

Another coworker brought her kid to work. She had to tell her child, “Please stay still, you can’t just run around.” She turned to me and said, “Ahh, kids, ya know? You don’t have any kids, do you?” I said, “I might have kids” She gave me a funny look and said, “You might?” I said, “Maybe, who knows?” Could I get fired for this? How do I fix it?

This is an extremely weird way to behave with coworkers. When you work with people and are trying to get to know them, asking if they’re married or have kids is a normal thing to do. In particular, asking if you have kids is an especially normal question when someone is talking about their own kid. Answering “sometimes” to the question of whether you’re married or in a relationship is actually pretty funny, but “I might have kids” is a weird thing to say in any circumstance.

You asked whether you could get fired for this and it’s unlikely — but what is likely is that you’re coming across as rude and cold to coworkers and making people dislike you (in part because you’re coming across as if you dislike them) and that can have all kinds or professional ramifications, from people not wanting to be on projects with you, to not sharing useful info with you, to having trouble getting promoted, to ending up first on a layoff list.

You don’t need to get deeply personal with coworkers if you don’t want to, but sharing some basic facts about your life is usually a prerequisite for having warm working relationships with people. Feel free to immediately pivot the topic if you want (turning the question around and asking them about their own lives is one good way to do it, as is having some impersonal topics you don’t mind talking about — pets, books, TV, cooking) but if you’re not willing to engage warmly with people at all, yes, there will be professional consequences to that.

Related:
should I put more effort into making friends at work?

3. Employee calls me his “lady boss”

I am a female manager in a technical field. All of my direct reports are men. One of my reports consistently refers to me as “my lady boss.” He does not speak English as his first language and his native language uses gendered nouns and adjectives. He has worked in U.S. professional environments for over 30 years and has worked for me for five years. He is in the middle of the pack in terms of performance.

I don’t love the nickname but I haven’t wanted to make a big deal out of it either, except that I get looks and questions when he refers to me as My Lady Boss in front of our colleagues. How would you address this?

“Please don’t refer me as your ‘lady boss.’ I’m just your boss, or just Jane.” You could add, “Gender isn’t relevant when you identify me, just like you wouldn’t call Bob your ‘man boss.’” Alternately, “‘Lady boss’ sounds like you have an issue with female managers, which I know is not your intent.”

Related:
Employee keeps referring to me as his “manageress”

4. Should I tell the person I’m interviewing with that I’m no longer in good standing at my company?

I’ve been at my current company for about three years. For the first two years, I was considered a star performer. Since then, the company’s financials have soured, the strategy has changed, and so have the expectations for my role. I’ve also been moved to a new team where my manager and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things. All of this combined has unfortunately tanked my standing at work, and I’ve now received formal negative feedback on my performance and even had some of my responsibilities revoked.

I’m looking for new jobs, and I have gotten in touch with a former leader of my current company who’s hiring at his new company. He left while I was still a top performer, and I’m guessing he’s willing to recommend me based on that performance. My question is, would it be wise to let him know that I’m no longer doing well? I’m worried that if I don’t, he may reach out to some of our mutual colleagues and hear about it. On the other hand, I’m worried that if I share this info, it will sink my chances at getting hired by his new company.

You don’t need to warn him that you’re not doing well. His experience with you is his experience, and there’s no ethical or professional obligation to disclose that under different circumstances, things went differently. If he ends up hearing about it, so be it, but you’re not doing anything wrong by not volunteering it. (And it’s not at all uncommon for someone to do with in situation X with manager X and then not thrive in situation Y with manager Y — and that generally says more about situation Y and manager Y than about the person themselves.)

5. Is a past run for office keeping me from getting job interviews?

I ran for the state legislature in 2020. I job searched in 2021 so I put it on my resume, towards the bottom with other volunteer work I’d done related to my field and only spoke about the aspects of running that relate to what I do for work. I don’t mention the party I was affiliated with or anything like that.

I had it on my resume at the time because it was so close to having run, any google search of my name only brought up information about my run. It didn’t ever feel right mentioning it in a cover letter and I was afraid leaving it off would seem weird once they did a google search.

Now I am putting in applications again. Is it possible continuing to have that on my resume is preventing me from getting interviews?

Now when you google me, there are a few different search results on page one — some related to current and past jobs, some which clearly show I was a candidate.

I absolutely don’t talk politics at work but I worry that having it on my resume makes it seem like that could be a problem. But I worry not mentioning it will come off weird once they search my name. Any advice on how to tackle this part of my professional history while job hunting?

It’s possible it’s concerning some employers. It’s more likely to come up as a concern if you ran on any particularly controversial or inflammatory planks, but even if you didn’t, some employers may wonder if you plan to run again, how it might affect work, etc. By including on your resume, you’re saying “I think this is at least to some degree relevant to my qualifications,” which may also worry them if it the connection isn’t clear. However, particularly if you were a fairly middle-of-the-road candidate, a lot of people won’t care at all.

Regardless, though, you can just leave it off. It 100% will not come across as weird if they google you and see that you ran for office four years ago but didn’t put it on your resume. There’s nothing shady or odd about not including it on your resume; resumes are marketing documents, not exhaustive lists of everything you’ve ever done. You can simply leave it off and make it a non-issue.

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{ 45 comments }

{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Daria grace*

    #2, although I tend to be somewhat private about my personal life at work, I agree with Alison that these are normal questions that are commonly a part of friendly interaction that you probably should answer. Being weird and evasive risks making people wonder if there is some dramatic reason for that like messy child custody issues

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  2. Nodramalama*

    LW1 your report needs therapy or some other kind of help to assist them in managing their trauma in the workplace. It’s not appropriate for them to put that responsibility onto you.

    Lw2 this is a very odd response to what is basic small talk. Also, all of your responses are going to prompt way more follow up questions than a very simple yes or no. Saying “who knows” if you have kids makes it sound like you’re Nick Cannon or something.

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    1. Roeslein*

      Exactly, if OP2 is a man it makes them sound creepy (there’s a particular type of man who answers “none that I know of” or “I might” to the “do you have kids?” question) and if they’re a woman it… just doesn’t make sense?

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      1. Frank Doyle*

        Oh that’s interesting, in the context of the first question about being married I took the answer to the question about kids in the same spirit — not so much “I might, I’m not sure,” but more “I might, wouldn’t you like to know!”

        As a woman without kids though, I have on occasion answered the question with “not that I know of!” because I find it kind of hilarious? I do deliver it it a way that (I hope) makes it seem like I’m just joking, and not trying to be mysterious or standoffish or awkward or anything. (As a person who’s been answering that question for a very long time, it kinds of brings the conversation to a halt to just say “no.” Thank goodness I have a dog.)

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        1. Nodramalama*

          Well LW seems to want to bring the conversation to an abrupt end, so I think for those purposes a direct no would be perfect for that.

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        2. Ellis Bell*

          Yeah, I think doing this once or twice in the right context is funny, and I get the urge to make a point of avoid the awkwardness when people are being nosy, but OP is consistently playing the ‘don’t say yes or no’ game – that is a joke that will rust, especially since they’re not joking. It was particularly weird in the context of a coworker basically talking about their own kid and not being particularly nosy.

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  3. Pink Sprite*

    OP #2 — This won’t get you fired, at least that would be highly unusual.
    But your strategy of strange answers to normal everyday questions between people getting to know each other is truly bizarre.
    Seriously, just cut out the word games and engage in a regular getting-to-know people conversation.
    Like Alison said, you can have a few topics in your back pocket for when you can gracefully and graciously change steer the conversation in another (regular, every day) way.

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  4. nnn*

    TBH, I’m going to keep “sometimes” in my repertoire for situations where I’m asked if I’m in a relationship and I don’t want to give the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth because Reasons.

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  5. duinath*

    2 Honestly I think just flat out lying would even be better than this, if only because when you lie you put off weirding people out like this until they catch you. You’re putting all the weirdness and dishonesty front and center right away. Not the best move.

    (This is not me telling you to lie, so we’re clear.)

    You don’t have to tell people in depth details, most likely they don’t actually care. They’re just making small talk, they don’t know you. You can keep it surface level, but this doesn’t protect your privacy, as nothing they’re asking you is private, it doesn’t make you seem mysterious, it just makes you look bad.

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      1. Not A Manager*

        “Do you have children?” – “It’s complicated.”

        I don’t think this is the conversation ender you think it is.

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        2. Audrey Puffins*

          If I had that response to that question, I’d immediately assume they’d had children who were now dead and would be tripping over myself to change the subject, so it could work, but people will draw their own conclusions which won’t always be “ah, LW is being evasive and giving nonsense answers to avoid having to give real ones”

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  6. H.Regalis*

    Side note: I really want to go around calling my male boss my man boss now. It sounds like how people do cavemen talk on TV or else like I’m the Hulk. “Him man boss. Him make do work. Cave Hulk smash!”

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    1. CrabbyLibrarian*

      We call the male manager on our team “Baby Boy” after a customer called him that once (and we have his consent to do so). He thinks it’s hilarious.

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    3. Ray McCooney*

      “Are you having a good day today?”
      “Maybe I am and maybe I’m not.” (pulls out a piccolo and plays mysterious music)

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  8. EA*

    I’m exhausted just reading some of these. Taking “bring your whole self to work” way too far. You still have to act like you’re at work and have pleasant and reciprocal adult interactions.

    On number 3, I do think it’s worth directing head on because of the second language.

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    1. Kenelm*

      LW3 said this employee has been in America for 30 years. Should be enough time to be able to handle feedback on linguistic nuances.

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  9. Dark Macadamia*

    LW2’s answers would make me significantly more curious (nosy) about them and not in a positive way, lol. I’d be really tempted to ask increasingly odd questions to see if I could get them to give a straight answer about anything.

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  10. CrabbyLibrarian*

    Unfortunately, I’m coming across the situation that LW1 described more and more these days. I’m all for destigmatizing mental health, but I’ve had folks use the “your behavior/tone/words trigger me” as an attempt to redirect the conversation when they are receiving tough feedback.

    It ties into this concept I learned of recently called “weaponzing boundaries.” Setting boundaries is an effective way for a person to manage their triggers, but when boundaries are used to attempt to control the behavior of others, that’s not okay. I’ve had more than one conversation when an employee has brought up something being triggering and it’s immediately followed by a conversation about what I (the manager) should be doing to prevent them from feeling that way.

    The point of recognizing your triggers is so that YOU can deal with them. It is not for you to put responsibility on others.

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    1. Daria grace*

      Good boundaries are about what the person setting them does (eg, if I am spoken to disrespectfully I will leave the meeting). They ideally aren’t a list of demands for other people (eg. You are not allowed to be critical of me), especially not unclear demands like is happening to the OP

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    2. Indolent Libertine*

      I’m really curious how LW1’s employee imagines that anyone’s working life could possibly be devoid of any correction or criticism. This is like a caricature of “kids these days” and yes, it’s a textbook instance of weaponized therapy-speak.

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      1. WS*

        I have a co-worker in her late 50s who does it, so definitely not age-group exclusive. She also likes to tell us about how great therapy is and that we should all go even if we don’t think we have problems, then “discreetly” tell people that another specific co-worker would be “much emotionally healthier” if they did.

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      2. The Prettiest Curse*

        And also, in any job where you have a degree of autonomy, you will be asked to update your boss on your current work at some point. It’s easy to do this in writing if necessary (our team does this by email at the start of each week), but it’s entirely reasonable to ask this for the purposes of assessing progress and planning and assigning work tasks.

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  11. Viette*

    LW2 – in order to sort out what to do, it may be helpful to ask yourself: what outcome did you WANT to have happen when you answered the way you did?

    I don’t mean that say ‘what the heck were you thinking, omg’. I mean genuinely what relationship WERE you hoping would occur? You say “how can I fix this?” — but what do you think is wrong about what’s happened? You’re in a weird and uncomfortable spot having put off and alienated some of your coworkers, but to an outside observer it would seem like you did that on purpose. But you didn’t, so what were you trying to do?

    If you’d like to dig even deeper, maybe think about who in your life gave you the idea that that was a way a person might respond to a co-worker’s question, and what were they all about?

    When the effects of your actions are so out of line with the norm and also evidently so out of line with what you wanted to have happen, you’d do well to consider this.

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  12. Mark*

    LW2 I wish you had expanded a bit for giving the responses you did, especially about children. You could have pivoted so easily, into an innocuous comment, “your child reminds me so much about me/ niece/ nephew/ neighbours kid and guess an age. Deflect while still not answering the question.

    What do you say when people ask where you live/ how long your commute is / if you drive or take the train? “Oh around” “in a living unit” “sporadically”.

    Best of luck but you are probably best of working for a company that has taken a vow of silence or equivalent.

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  13. Luna*

    LW Manager: it’s not your job to play psychiatrist or manage anyone’s moods. They may not be up to the job, and that’s ok.

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  14. Observer*

    #2 – Alison is right. You *could* be fired for this, assuming you are in the US, because in 49 states you can get fired for pretty much anything outside of specific protected categories (eg you can’t be fired because someone doesn’t like your ethnicity, religion, etc.)

    But, there will certainly be repercussions to your behavior. For one thing, Alison is right that it’s easier to work with people who like you, at least on a surface level. And you are doing everything to keep that from happening. In fact, I think that Alison understates the case. She is right that you are coming off as rude and cold. But you are also coming off as making fun of your coworkers. Like what kind of answer is “Maybe” to the question of whether you have kids?

    I do think that in the long term, your job is at risk, and so is your career. Because your behavior is likely to create the kind of ill will that makes people less likely to cut you some slack when (not *if*) you have a less than stellar day. And unless you are absolutely stellar at what you do at least 90% of the time, it would not shock me if your work got managed and measured with much more of a negative lens than your coworkers.

    And the problem is that when you move on, people are likely to remember you for the wrong reasons. You will be the person who “acted like a jerk when people made small talk”; “made a big show of hiding their personal life”; “acted like we were all a bunch of slackers for daring to make small talk” etc.

    Now a lot of people are going to say that those (and similar negative) descriptions of your behavior are not accurate. And they would be correct. But that’s not going to be helpful to you if that’s the impression people get. And it is highly likely that people will get that kind of impression.

    You seem to take for granted that THE “correct” way to respond to any question whose answer is not related to work is to obfuscate. Why? And why would you go to this much effort? Sure, it’s not a LOT of effort, per se. But the back and forth over whether you have kids is a lot more than a simple “yes” or “no”, or even “yeah, kids.” with a pivot to whatever, if you don’t want to talk about it for some reason.

    I’m curious what prompted you to write in, and why you think you might be fired over this?

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  15. Observer*

    #5 – Ran for office.

    Take it off your resume. The resume is a marketing document that is intended to highlight your work experience and possibly other experiences relevant to work. It is not intended to provide a list of every non-recreational activity you have ever taken part in, so you can and should leave out anything that’s not work related.

    The fact that it comes up in a Google search doesn’t matter. If you were on America’s Got Talent, or took part in competitive dance etc. that might come up on Google as well, but you still would not put it on your resume.

    If I saw this on a resume, I would be a bit concerned. Because I’d be wondering why you think it’s relevant. What skills do you think that experience gave you, that are relevant to the workplace? Are you going to be in “candidate mode” all the time? In other words, the issue is not which party line you were running on. Nor even that you were involved in politics at some point. But that putting it in a list of job activities makes me wonder how that actually translates into your work persona.

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  16. Whitehorse*

    LW1: this doesn’t solve the bigger issue, but to expand on one of Alison’s points: could you ask for a weekly/biweekly/whatever emailed summary as a standing task for this person? If part of what makes it difficult for your employee is being directly questioned by an authority figure, having the conversation once and then having it be a routine work task might help them disconnect the required work from the emotional reactions.

    Another option for disconnecting the emotions from the action, if part of the employee’s trouble is sitting across a desk from The Authority: could you do a walking meeting, a coffee meeting in the break room/elsewhere, or otherwise change the dynamic?

    I agree with Alison that you should ask the employee what you can do to help, but having suggestions in your back pocket might help.

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  17. jinni*

    I can’t think of a context where it’s appropriate to ask about a romantic relationship or kids. I’ve lived a most conventional life and even I don’t want to answer these inquiries. I was told to wait for people to volunteer information. Aren’t there less invasive ways to get to know people?

    People have so many judgements and opinions about personal choices (that they rudely share). I only think LW2 needs a more artful approach. Although I love the answer: sometimes.

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    1. Jenesis*

      The first context that comes to mind is if there’s a company party that allows plus-ones. People will want to know whether your guest should be referred to as your spouse, your datefriend, your sibling, or your roommate.

      Unfortunately (especially for women) it’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. People will judge you for being cagey and people will judge you for having the “wrong” number of kids (whether too many or too few). You could probably get away with saying “That’s a private matter I’d rather not discuss at work” + abrupt subject change, just because sensitivity around the subject could indicate death of a partner/child, a bad breakup/estrangement, fertility struggles, and so on. But it will likely work less well for innocuous but no less work-irrelevant subjects, like favorite TV shows.

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    2. Martin Blackwood*

      i think ‘but the other person is being rude asking’ isnt really helpful. because ‘rude’ as a concept has squishy edges. I dont recall anyone asking me what my relationship status is at work, but i can tell you multiple! probably like, four or five? people at work have asked me how much i pay for rent. Is it rude to ask about money? Sure. But people who own houses hear about rent crisises, thats a topic they can engage with me with. And it gives me an opportunity to bitch that my single small bedroom isnt worth what i pay for it, especially considering how many people live in this house. And then we’ve connected on a topic, small talk complete. Is it strictly appropriate to talk about it? no! will people consider these ‘forbidden’ topics, eg kids off limits if it comes up naturally in the conversation? sometimes, sometimes not!

      Definitely agree that OP2 needs a different approach. They’re very quickly going to be known for ‘answering questions about themselves weirdly’ which is going to get more traction than like, their boyfriend’s name.

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  18. Clementine*

    Is the employee a Spanish speaker? My experience is that they often use “Lady” as a direct translation of Señora in an attempt to be respectful. I think it’s fair to set up a conversation where you say – I appreciate you are trying to be respectful, but I’d prefer if you just say “my manager” rather than “my Lady boss.”

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    1. Our Lady of the Cats*

      Yes, I thought the same thing. Spanish speakers, being polite, often just call me “Mrs.,” which I know is from the way they address women “Senora” in their language, and I like it so much that one of my friends and I (both English-speaking) always address each other as “Mrs.,” as in “Mrs, you won’t believe what happened today” and so forth!
      In many gendered languages people distinguish between male and female in the way they address people, esp. superiors. Professors in Germany, for example, are “Herr Doktor Professor” or “Frau Doktor Professor.” In English, we still have vestiges of this in word pairs like actor/actress (although increasingly, it’s just “actor”), waiter/waitress, prince/princess, and even in words like “seamstress” (again, it’s increasingly being replaced, like so many others, by neutral terms such as “stitcher”).

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      1. Myrin*

        “In many gendered languages people distinguish between male and female in the way they address people”
        I mean, English has that, too, in “Mr/Mrs/Ms” – it’s just that a formal title such as “doctor” or “admiral” or “officer” outweighs that, which it doesn’t in other languages.
        You’re mixing up two different things, one being how someone is addressed – which the English language genders, too – and one being suffixes tacked onto regular nouns depending on the person’s gender (which English doesn’t do and which is something that non-native speakers learn from the get-go when they start learning English).

        It doesn’t sound like OP’s report actually calls her “lady boss” but rather refers to her as such to others, which I don’t think can readily be explained by his not being a native speaker when he has worked in a professional US environment for 30 years.

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    2. Ellis Bell*

      I would treat it as any other language correction; especially if someone is trying to be polite and coming off more disrespectful than they intend: “Oh, it’s just boss for both genders in English; it can actually be seen as rude to change the title by gender”. Imagine if you were making this faux pas in a second language; you’d want to know.

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  19. Despachito*

    LW2 – these answers are weird but I feel for you, because I find the questions pretty intrusive.

    I am a member of a club (so not working environment but somehow closer relationships) for several years and I have never asked any of my fellow clubbers about children or spouses. Some of them may be gay for what I know. And no one has asked me these questions either.

    Some people choose to volunteer that information (I do), some do not, and if they don’t I assume this is what they want and I respect it.

    I would answer the question if asked and answer it unequivocally but it would feel weird. I would never ask it out of the blue, because as I said I find it intrusive. There are people going through a nasty divorce, people who live with a partner of either sex, people who can’t have kids or lost them in a traumatic way, and may not want to talk about it. And it is absolutely NOT RELEVANT to the activity of the club so I have absolutely no need to know it other than curiosity.

    Yes, it is often used as small talk but then the person would volunteer the information. If they don’t I assume this is not something they would want to talk about, and respect it.

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  20. Greyhound*

    LW1: I’m seeing some scepticism in some of the comments about the use of ‘triggered’ or what is seen as overly emotional responses – not suggesting that’s coming from you. To be clear, this person needs to be responsible for their own issues and needs to manage them in whatever way she can. And Alison’s advice is good. But for anyone who has had severe trauma, being triggered is a very real thing, and can result in emotional responses that can be hard to manage in the moment. I’ve been in this situation myself, and had to politely leave the room until I could settle myself down. I suggest that if LW1 does in someway genuinely trigger this person (maybe she looks or smells like a past abuser – who knows), then the employee would be better off leaving. It’s impossible for the manager and painful for the employee.

    Of course they could just be a good old fashioned pain in the backside, but I don’t think it’s safe to just assume that.

    I’m not armchair diagnosing – who knows what is going on with this person – just thinking about possibilities.

    Reply ↓

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