we have public shamings about how often we say “um” and “uh”

by Alison Green on October 14, 2024

I’m off today. This was originally published in 2017.

A reader writes:

Every month, my work has a “pep rally” where the whole staff gets together to highlight what’s going on in each department. My boss, the executive director, has recently decided she wants to cure everyone of using the words “um,” “uh,” and “like” when they are talking. Her idea is that each pep rally, two people will present some sort of five-minute speech on their department and we will all watch and count how many times the person says “um,” “uh,” or “like.”

It’s horrible. It makes you overthink everything because you’re so conscious that all your peers are staring at you, waiting for your next “um.” A bunch of us call it “The Shaming.” It doesn’t seem to help and it makes people feel bad afterward. When you’re done, our boss announces how many times you said “um” and lets you know what else you could work on.

I just don’t think this is right. I get what my boss is trying to do, but I feel like there’s a better way to go about it. Would I be out of line if I said something to her about how I felt?

There’s a certain type of manager who’s unclear on appropriate boundaries and thinks it’s okay to use their position to carry out personal agendas that have nothing to do with people’s jobs (like this guy). This feels very much like your manager has a pet peeve and has decided to misuse the authority of her job — and misuse the time of her staff — to pursue something that really shouldn’t be this high of a priority.

It’s very unlikely that everyone on your staff has a job where using the occasional “um” or “uh” matters. Some do, no doubt, but it’s unlikely that it’s so important to everyone’s position that they need this kind of training.

Your boss would probably argue that everyone can benefit from becoming a more polished speaker. And sure, it’s a great skill to build if people want to.

But this isn’t the way to go about it. The public shamings are BS, even for the people who genuinely do need to be extremely polished when speaking. In general, people do better when they get critical feedback in private, not when they’re forced to stand in front of their peers while they’re critiqued.

I get “I wanted to be a teacher” vibes from the whole thing, but she’s dealing with adults who aren’t taking a class.

So no, you wouldn’t be out of line to speak up. But unless you have extremely good rapport with your boss — and maybe even then — you’ll be more effective if you and some of your coworkers speak up as a group, rather than if it’s just you.  The more of you saying “this feels demeaning and we want to stop,” the more likely you are to have an impact.

(You might also arm yourself with this take on “like” from Merriam-Webster and this one from linguists — for your own morale, if nothing else.)

Read an update to this letter here.

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{ 84 comments }

{ 84 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Bruce*

    Toastmasters is still a real thing, never been a member myself but my late spouse did it for years and really got a lot out of it. Several companies I’ve worked for had on site Toastmasters groups too!

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    1. Bruce*

      To be clear, for the boss to start a Toastmasters group and make it mandatory would also be pretty weird and inappropriate!

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        1. Bruce*

          Hah, thinking back TM does have an “Ah Counter” or something like that… But the overall vibe is supposed to be fun, not humiliating. And voluntary. Like I said, I was never a member, it was my late wife’s thing, but she got a lot out of it and had fun.

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        2. Observer*

          I think it’s worse than a toasmasters group being made mandatory with coworkers. Because in addition to that, the boss was doing it wrong.

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    2. Strive to Excel*

      Yes, but they teach strategies on how to avoid filler words and plan your sentences ahead, not just publicly shame you! The point of having people count the filler words for you is because they can be invisible and hard to track. It’s not a “gotcha” trick.

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    3. Angstrom*

      The “uh-counter” is a Toastmasters role for prepared speech evaluations, along with “grammerian”, “timer”, etc. In that context it is useful because people are actively seeking that feedback.
      If public speaking or presenting is not a job function, policing speech patterns is not appropriate.
      Persoanlly, I do find the constant use of fillers to be annoying, but that’s my problem.

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      1. Angstrom*

        I’d argue that eliminating unecessary words is part of being a good speaker.

        Think of editing documents: you try to get rid of any words that don’t help make your point or accomplish the goal of that piece of writing. Why should speech be different?

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        1. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

          Because they are very different. Written words can be put through spelling checks, grammatical checks, editors. The spoken word cannot. Additionally it forces what is a very unnatural method of speaking onto people of differing cultures/upbringings/accents/speech issues etc.

          It’s like correcting your coworker on their spoken grammar. Unspeakably rude.

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          1. Angstrom*

            Context matters. If I’m getting information on a technical subject where clarity and precison matter, I expect clear, precise language.

            I work in an environment where fillers such as “like” and “sorta” can add confusion. Is it sorta opaque, or is it really opaque? Having to ask for clarification helps nobody.

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  3. dulcinea47*

    I feel like whenever someone becomes a manager/supervisor, someone should hand them all the scientific data about things that don’t motivate people. Any kind of public shame or humiliation are top of the Never Do list.

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    1. Ally McBeal*

      Oh, that implies they’ll care. Some will, some really won’t. I once had a new boss tell me that he failed up (not his exact phrasing but that is what his story was) and got an executive role when he had no real idea what he was doing (that WAS his phrasing or very close to it). Many people – perhaps especially women and other people who struggle with imposter syndrome – would use that opportunity to challenge themselves, read lots of management books, read the full AAM archive, hire an executive coach, etc. He did none of those things and proved himself to be such a bad boss that I came down with shingles under his management. Fortunately he burned out spectacularly while at that job so I only had to deal with him for another year or so.

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      1. dulcinea47*

        You’re right, of course, but I think it would help some figure it out faster than they otherwise might.

        “my manager gave me shingles”- add that to Glass Door. Ugh.

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  4. rkz*

    Honestly, I actually teach public speaking as my job and I wouldn’t really recommend this approach even if these were students in a class!

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    1. Naomi*

      My middle school drama teacher had us do this! But at least there’s a reasonable argument that improving our public speaking skills was part of his job. And as twelve-year-olds we probably used a lot more “likes” and “ums” than most adults.

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    2. daffodil*

      I also teach public speaking, and I agree. The anxiety and scrutiny usually makes the delivery worse, and it really doesn’t matter that much. In fact, there’s some evidence that a little bit of “um” or “uh” demonstrates that you’re thinking about what you’re saying and makes you seem more trustworthy.

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      1. rkz*

        My thoughts exactly – increasing the students already exciting anxiety is almost certainly going to lead to more filler words. I also want them to speak extemporaneously (as opposed to reading from a script) l a few “um”s or “uh”s here and there are totally expected and natural. I usually emphasize that we just want to make sure there aren’t so many that it is distracting from what they are saying and we talk about how slowing down, pausing, breathing etc. can lead to less filler words.

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  5. errrrr, uhhhh, duhhhh*

    i’d start every speech with 50+ umms and deliberately uhh and umm throughout just to annoy her and demonstrate how ridiculous this is.

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    1. pally*

      I was thinking the exact same thing! And increase the frequency of those “ums”, “uhs” and “likes” every time I was asked to speak.

      No doubt the critique would be, “Clearly, pally isn’t improving over time.”

      Got that right!

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    2. Thinking*

      My thought too. Not to an extreme, just more than usual. When called on it I’d say “Well, um, this, like, makes me so, um, what’s
      the word, um, like, nervous!”

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    1. Dawn*

      In all honestly I’m terrible for ums and uhs and I’m still considered a very good public speaker. Lots of people are. It’s all in how you work them in.

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      1. Trout 'Waver*

        With all due respect, if you’re a very good public speaker, you’d probably be even better if you limited the filler words.

        I mean, Shaq was a notoriously bad free-throw shooter, but still an All-Star NBA player. He certainly would have been even better if he could make 90% of his free throws.

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        1. Pastor Petty Labelle*

          Listen to a presidential speech. Obama is considered a really great speaker. He ums, and ahhs all over the place. Most people do. It’s normal.

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          1. MsM*

            I was going to say, if OP needed evidence one’s ability at public speaking shouldn’t be judged by filler words, he’s a good example.

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            1. Angstrom*

              On the other hand, look at MLK’s speeches.
              “I, um, have, um, like, a dream” would not be as powerful, or as well remembered.

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              1. Observer*

                Well, “For all things there is a time, and a season for each thing.”

                That includes filler words.

                Obama is a phenomenal speaker. And I highly doubt that his use of filler words would make much of a difference to that.

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              2. Dawn*

                I don’t think you can actually state that with any confidence, honestly.

                And I mean, yes, ok, you managed to put more fillers in there than actual words, but people don’t actually speak like that unless they are incredibly nervous. It would sound more like, “I have a dream! Uh, it is a dream deeply rooted in, ah, the American dream!”

                I don’t think, unlike the strawman you’ve created here, it would be remembered much differently at all.

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          2. Dawn*

            I’m not overly familiar with Obama’s speeches (they didn’t jump out to me just because I’m not American and I didn’t hear them much,) but lots and lots of stand-up comedians have routines full of filler words. They actually take advantage of them to draw out a joke, and that’s largely what I’ve modeled my own speaking on. People don’t much care if I “um” because I’m funny.

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          3. Trout 'Waver*

            I feel like Obama has a couple different speaking styles and he picks the style that best suits his audience and the message he’s trying to deliver. His 2004 DNC speech, for example, is almost completely clear of filler words.

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            1. dulcinea47*

              Was he reading from a teleprompter? I dunno, I have listened to a lot of Obama’s speeches (I find his voice soothing) and have never been like “this guy ums too much.”

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            2. Observer*

              I feel like Obama has a couple different speaking styles and he picks the style that best suits his audience and the message he’s trying to deliver.

              Which actually proves the point others were trying to make and disproves your original comment. You simply have zero basis to assume that @Dawn would be a better speaker by removing the fillers, since you don’t know anything else about the speeches. There are simply places where it *does not matter*. And in those cases, focusing on removing the fillers is likely to *degrade* the speech, not improve it.

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        2. Dawn*

          I’m quite certain you’re not wrong that I could improve my public speaking, but it’s extensive work I don’t care to do when people already like what I have to say.

          I have many, many things that I could/should practice which will return more than marginal gains. This is not one of them.

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        3. Apex Mountain*

          If the comparison is to Shaq, that means Dawn is already one of the top 20-25 public speakers in history, so I think she’s good!

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        4. Antilles*

          Okay, so let’s talk basketball.
          First off, Shaq is considered one of the 10 or so best players to ever play in the NBA, won four titles and made three other NBA Finals. It’s possible that free throw shooting might have made him better, but interestingly: There isn’t a playoff series you can realistically point to where if he’d shot 70% instead of 50%, it would have flipped the outcome.
          1995 Orlando was decisively swept by Houston. In 1996, nobody was beating Jordan’s best team. Then he went to the Lakers and they took a couple years for Kobe to mature and build up surrounding talent to really threaten for titles. They won the three-peat and the team internally combusted in 2003 and 2004. Then he went to Miami and got injured in the playoffs for the 2005 Heat. Then the Heat won the title in 2006, but in 2007, Shaq tore his knee and was basically never the same dominant force afterwards. Maybe you want to quibble with one of these cases (2004 might be the best argument since that Pistons team was far from dominant), but even if we give him that one, it still doesn’t meaningfully change his career.
          Also worth noting that for all people talk about his free throw shooting, by all accounts he did put forth a *lot* of effort trying to work on it, just that nothing ever worked.

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    2. Strive to Excel*

      I wonder if there’s any correlation between the presence of filler words in someone’s speech and how much, if any, rhetorical training they’ve had. Back in Ye Olden Centuries, when the only people going to school were the sons of upper class men and especially talented boys from ‘lower’ families, rhetoric and logic were major parts of the education. And fewer people were literate, so a speech would have been more meaningful than a written argument. A lot of our current idealized Western education still calls back to the Renaissance and Enlightenment eras, which itself called back to far more ancient Greek and Roman principles, including that focus on speaking.

      Now, many more people are literate; rhetoric and logic are a faded shadow of themselves, appearing primarily as high school speech and debate; and most of us get our arguments from written or video sources anyways. And it’s a pretty Western-centric approach to boot.

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      1. Gloaming*

        I find that the people that I know with classical rhetorical training tend to speak a *lot* more slowly and take much longer pauses before responding. I’m wondering now if that’s because they need to plan the sentence all the way through before they start because snagging on a filler word was unacceptable.

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        1. Angstrom*

          Probably so. Someone with that kind of training is thinking ahead to how they’re going to build a cohesive argument. Every response should be laying a foundation for the next one. Speed is not important.

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          1. Gloaming*

            Ugh. Kinda wish they’d just get it out there sometimes (and honestly I’d rather see how they work through things than get a perfectly polished first response). Not everything needs to be A Pronouncement.

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            1. Angstrom*

              I had a boss who would often take a long pause before answering. Some people made the mistake of thinking that meant he was a slow thinker. They were wrong. It was fun to watch. ;-)

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  7. Falling Diphthong*

    From the update:
    I tried to word everything where she wouldn’t feel attacked and as if I was just expressing my feelings toward the activity.
    This is so important–tone and phrasing make such a difference to how people take in feedback. Especially when the feedback is “Your idea sucks, but I have less power than you.”

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    1. Dawn*

      I think that one depends. It worked out for OP in this case but in many cases I think that you can underscore how serious feedback actually is by softballing it.

      You have to know your audience for that one (and in my experience, men are more prone to dismiss softballed feedback than women, especially coming from a woman, but that’s just my experience.)

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      1. dulcinea47*

        But if you *are* a woman, there’s also the chance that someone will think you’re being too brusque and won’t listen to you b/c of that. It’s almost impossible to win, so, good for OP.

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    2. Elbe*

      That update was wild. It boggles my mind that the manager didn’t seems to realize that forcing people to present and be graded on public speaking (when it’s not part of their job) would make them uncomfortable and seem mean. It’s great that she decided to stop once she got feedback, but… I have no idea what she was thinking in the first place.

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  8. High Score!*

    When it’s your turn be sure to work in the words like, um, and uh as much as possible. Throw in some “you know”s for a retro vibe. Earn the high score! Brag about it.

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    2. Purple Cabbage*

      I transcribe & caption a lot of videos and interviews for work, and “you know” is still going strong!
      I don’t even notice it in speech though; it’s just later when cleaning up the transcript that I see how frequently it pops up.

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  9. Madame Desmortes*

    The linguistics term for these is “filler” (though I’ve also heard “hesitation marker”). They’re as close to a linguistic universal as I know of. We all use ’em.

    We also tend not to notice them! We only notice once they surpass a certain amount of time-fill in a given speaker’s speech habits… or if someone explicitly calls attention to them, like this unhappy manager.

    Leave fillers alone. They’re harmless at worst, useful at best… and trying to eliminate them entirely can create unnecessarily self-conscious speakers or excessive dead time during speeches.

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    1. Czhorat*

      yeah, see my comment below. my speech is odd partly because I fought so hard to eliminate fillers (and partly because I’m a bit of an oddball)

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  10. Czhorat*

    The update on this was great, and demonstrates how many of these issues stem from thoughtlessness rather than malice; it’s VERY easy to get tunnel vision about what is or is not harmful; I’m glad that the manager in question took the feedback for what it’s worth.

    As an aside, I used to have a bad habit of using lots of “ums” and “uhs”. I worked hard to cut them out, but the result is an odd speech cadence in which I’ll pause rather than use a filler word. I’m not sure that this is an imrpvement.

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    1. 40 Years In the Hole*

      The military training I had (from basic recruit to officer candidate training and everything in between), was laser-focused on “training” this “quirk” out of you. Their assumption was that everyone would, at some point, have to provide clear, concise briefings/presentations/tasking orders, and be flawlessly confident while doing so. So…practice, practice, practice. The ums, ahs, throat clearings, keys-in-pockets jangling- were absolutely counted/commented on, in front of your peers. Not in a demeaning way; we knew up front that this would be discussed. But still. Not everyone is so self-assured that they never have a “brain fart” even if they know their subject inside out.
      Once you got out into the working world, things were relaxed a bit. But even generals tongue-trip on occasion. The downside: after 40 yrs I still find myself fixated on speakers’ who overdo the “fillers” and I lose focus/interest.

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      1. Zombeyonce*

        I have ADHD and I can either use filler words or pause in the middle of a sentence to figure out where I was going (even if I planned it ahead of time). I feel bad for people being judged for either.

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  11. jane's nemesis*

    i once had to do a radio interview at my job. I was NOT a comms person, had no training on this kind of thing – it was just a fluke. I thought I did okay, but then I got a bunch of emails from someone pointing out to me, over and over, that I had said “you know” as a filler a bunch of times and how I really shouldn’t do that and it was so distracting that I did it.

    I don’t know how that person thought they were being helpful at making me incredibly self-conscious about something I had no training in and had to do on the fly!

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  12. Name (Required)*

    I stutter and filler words are how I get over disfluencies and blocks. A younger me would have been filled with quiet anxiety and self-loathing over a practice like this; Current Me would be railing about ableism and a toxic workplace so fast if a supervisor ever did this to me. W. T. Actual. F.

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    1. kicking-k*

      This. My daughter is a stammerer and I hate to think of her being put through something like this. She’s usually fine if she can prepare (she’s had speaking roles in plays!) but speaking extempore is a big challenge for her, with lots of halting. I’d agree that sometimes it requires a little patience from the listener but I think she should get that – it’s not something she can help.

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  13. Knitting Cat Lady*

    Gah. You can only get rid of ‘um’, ‘uh’, ‘er’, etc. if you memorise what you’re saing in advance! They are signs that you’re actually speaking freely and making it up as you go along!

    I’m autistic. And sometims turning mind words into mouth words doesn’t work.

    As long as you enunciate clearly, at appropriate voulume and speed, and don’t mumble that’s enough.

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  14. CLC*

    I think I know this person lol. Absolutely horrible boss from a few years ago. Constantly on me for saying and um and uh even in informal meetings. Told me I could never progress in my career if I didn’t make myself more polished (I was in my 40s and extremely good at my technical job). She also scolded me for talking with my hands, and said the way I speak is annoying. When I told her I’m neurodivergent she said it’s “no excuse” and to “try harder”— she said this in front of HR. When I worked with this person it always felt like she wanted us to be in some kind of beauty pageant, never like she cared about the work being done. If OP’s boss is anything like this person though I would warn against speaking up against it. I tried to politely and rationally speak up for myself and it made my person very, very angry and had major consequences for my career. I’ve honestly never met anyone like this person so I’m honestly wondering if they are one and the same!

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  16. Vipsania Agrippina*

    If my current boss would make us count the number of ums and uhs it would distract me from what the speaker is trying to say.

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    1. Observer*

      No surprises on that.

      It’s hard to focus on content when you are being forced to also concentrate of something so minor. It’s like asking you to count sheep while listening to someone. You will either have no idea what number sheep you got up to, or you will have missed most (if not all) of the content of the speech. That’s just how most people’s minds work.

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  17. Do Better, Teachers*

    My 9th grade teacher made us do this but gave a classmate a squeaky dog toy to squeeze if the presenter said um or uh or like. As a student in speech therapy, I dreaded her presentation days more than I can put into printable words.

    She’s a BIG reason I didn’t pursue an English degree.

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  19. MagicEyes*

    I hate this! One time I gave a public talk and someone in the audience counted my “ums” and told me afterwards. :-( It did make me a lot more aware of when I say “um,” but I also notice too much when other people do it. It’s like a curse that will never be lifted.

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  20. Chirpy*

    This was bad enough in high school speech class, where I had a great teacher and it was done once, more like a timed challenge with the purpose of getting you to notice those verbal pauses. Not by your boss nitpicking your speech. Ugh.

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  21. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

    Oh good grief. I’ve done public speaking, I’ve given talks to whole halls full of people and yeah, there’s some filler in it. If you try to eliminate every single instance of filler it sounds unnatural – like a computer speech synthesiser is doing it.

    Additionally, if someone is counting every instance of ‘umm’ then they are not listening – which I’d say is far more of a foul.

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    1. HonorBox*

      Yes and yes! Even the most public speaker will fill now and then. And if the boss was trying to help people be better speakers, they’d be better off paying attention to the full content and context of the talk and giving feedback. Paying attention to umms and ahhs means your brain is only focused on that.

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  22. HonorBox*

    Coaching people to be better public speakers is
    a) not the job of the boss in most workplaces
    b) not going to work if people are being shamed for parts of it
    c) not helpful if people are being forced into it
    d) not helpful if public speaking isn’t part of their regular work

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  23. carrot cake*

    I didn’t read the update, but I can’t help but wonder how often people like this slip up by their own standards when no one is around to see or hear it.

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  24. HSE Compliance*

    The *only* time I have coached someone on saying uh/um less is when it was quite literally every 2-3 word that they said. And that was in private, not in front of everyone. The reason I did it was because it was legitimately difficult to follow what they were saying.

    In a group setting for a more typical use of uhs/ums? Not helpful as a general rule.

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  25. JP*

    One of the higher ups in my company who has to give presentations uses “you know” constantly, the same way people use “like” or “uh” as filler. I think there’s actually a name for it, but I can’t remember it and I have no idea how to start to Google it. I didn’t notice it at first, but after five minutes I decided to start to count the number of times he said it in a five minute span. It was a very high number.

    I was thinking at first that maybe it’s because people tend to speak too quickly during presentations and are worried about silences lasting more than a half a second. I worry about that, too, but I also worry that allowing too long of a silence gives the opportunity for unwelcome interruptions and interjections from the audience.

    Reply ↓

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