employer hired a sex offender, being called a “mom” professionally, and more

by Alison Green on November 21, 2024

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Our agency flexed its own policy to hire a sex offender

I work for a government agency and a new hire in our group took a while to pass their background check. Living in an open records state, it’s easy to find someone with a unique name. Six years ago, this man (29 years old at the time) was busted in a police sting trying to solicit sex with a 15-year-old using a popular app. No contact was actually made (since there was no real child involved), but he was charged with sending explicit photos and communications with a minor. He completed his probation, which changed his record from felony to misdemeanor.

I can see all the court docs, and his defense was that he thought this person was 16 (our state’s age of consent) and that he did nothing wrong. The documents clearly show age was discussed in detail and he knew the boy was 15. He resisted the court ordered sexual eval and treatment, and claimed several other reasons he was innocent. He was forced to attend treatment and completed his probation and monitoring.

Our org has a policy that any crime against people in the last seven years should disqualify an applicant, even a misdemeanor. So I’m shocked this made it past HR. I don’t know if our director is aware or if this stopped at HR. I know if I ask HR, they aren’t going to tell me anything. Technically he completed his treatment, but crimes against kids crosses the line for me. One other staff member was with me when we figured this out, but otherwise I’m not aware that anyone else knows. Is there any way for me to question this hire and how he passed the background check?

No, because it’s not your job to question him (and what could you do with the answer in any case?). Since you know he did get background checked, presumably your employer is aware of the conviction. I agree with you 100% about the nature of this crime and I wouldn’t want to work with this guy either, but you really don’t have the standing to question him. That said, you could approach your manager and/or HR with your concerns that the organization appears to have bent its policy for a sex offender.

2. Managing an employee with severe anxiety

How would you suggest handling a direct report with severe anxiety to the point that they in physical distress over looming tasks? That kind of anxiety is something I have a little experience with and have found my own techniques for dealing with (knowing they aren’t one-size-fits-all) … which I can’t help but offer while also pushing for therapy via our EAP. How long do I give them to work on it versus how much do I pry to confirm they are trying things? It’s affecting their sleep (and therefore work), their primary doctor still hasn’t nailed everything down with effective treatments, and at least one treatment attempt involved “don’t operate heavy machinery” level of painkillers. We’re in a regulated industry doing risk reviews so that starts to get hairy that I must review it all. They aren’t up to speed four months into their hire, but I own some of that blame as a relatively new manager while they are remote.

You can suggest working with the EAP and you can maybe offer some low-key suggestions of stress reduction techniques, but beyond that this is theirs to manage. It would be overstepping to push for therapy or any kind of specific treatment, or to try to confirm they’re working on it. Let them know what the job expectations are and let them know if they’re not meeting those, and if their anxiety is disruptive to colleagues, address that … but you sound like you’re getting pretty close to overstepping (or maybe have already).

If you feel like you’ve fallen down on your side of things as a manager, work on remedying that. If it’s not feasible for you to keep reviewing everything, let them know that, and let them know what you need to see from them in order to be able to back off from that and when that needs to happen by, and ask what they need from you to work toward that goal. But their mental health is theirs to manage. Your involvement needs to stay confined to managing their work performance, and those are two very different things.

3. Being called a “mom” professionally

I saw the letters you posted about being referred to as a “work mom” or “office mom” and something similar happened to me but outside of an office setting, and I don’t know how to address it or if I even can.

I run professional events for widget makers (events like talks and panels and networking) which I’ve been doing for years. I’ve connected a lot of people professionally with my events, and I platform local widget makers and give many people their first public speaking opportunities. Some events are about early-career stuff and some are about getting better at our craft which attracts mid-level and senior folks. People pay to attend these events and buy other stuff from me. This is a business I’ve built up over the years and it’s a well-known part of the community. It’s a side-hustle to my full time work, where I’m a senior widget maker myself.

I was talking to somebody (another widget maker) who’s attended a lot of my events. They said they and friends of theirs were jokingly (and endearingly) calling me “widget mom”, because I help so many people with what I do (for what it’s worth, both of us are women in our 30s but I’m a bit older).

I understand how nice this is supposed to be! But I was really bothered by the name, though I didn’t say anything. I’m a professional widget maker too, I’ve been doing this for 15 years, and I thought I was known for my own experience and skill. But being called “widget mom” sounds like my business is some friendly, mothering thing I do out of the goodness of my heart… when I’m selling my own expertise and knowledge in an explicitly professional context (albeit in a relaxed and friendly way). How many moms charge a fee to speak with them?

Maybe I’m taking the “mother” part too literally, but it feels at odds with how I see myself and how I want to be perceived, which is as a widget maker and entrepreneur. It feels dismissive of my many years in the field, like I’m only being recognized for what I do for others, and not the widget-making work I do myself and the business I run based on that.

Am I taking this too seriously, or being insecure? Was it just a compliment that was meant well, and I should be flattered? Since I don’t actually work with these people but see them in professional (yet relaxed) contexts, is there any way I can address it or should I leave it alone and let them think what they want?

It can be something that was meant well while still being a problem! It’s reasonable to take issue with it. It matters that men are businessmen while women doing the same thing get labeled “moms.” (I’m sure no one is calling your male colleagues “widget dad.”)

You could say this next time you talk to that person: “By the way, I was thinking about what you said about people calling me ‘widget mom.’ I appreciate that it’s well-intended, but I always think that kind of label devalues women as businesspeople. I’d be grateful if you shut it down.”

4. Employee keeps texting to say he’s sick but still coming in

I have an employee who is young and new to the professional world. His work product is great, but his work ethic is questionable. I can chalk all of it up to maturity level, and overall everything is fine. That said, there is one thing he does that I don’t like, and I’m not sure how to word the conversation.

A handful of times, he has texted me to tell me he is sick but still coming in to work. This morning, I got a detailed text about his ailments, which ended with, “I’m still coming in, but wanted you to know if I seem a little off.” I texted back and told him not to come into the office. He didn’t. But this same thing happened a few weeks ago, and he didn’t want to use his sick leave. His claim is that he didn’t call in, was totally willing to come in, and I told him not to, so he shouldn’t have to take the sick day.

That’s bananapants, right? We’re a small office, and when one person comes in sick, it’s like a domino effect (and then I end up working tons extra, even if I, too, get sick). I want to tell him that if he is texting me to tell me he is puking or running a fever, but is coming in and “may seem a little off,” just to go on and call in sick and not leave the decision for me. Can I do that? We get plenty of days per year, and they don’t roll over or get paid out, so I’m not sure why he isn’t taking them.

Yes, you can do that. The wording you want is: “If you are throwing up, running a fever, or otherwise sick, you need to stay home and use sick leave. In addition to it being the right thing for your own health, I don’t want you to risk infecting other people by coming in. This isn’t negotiable; you can’t put other people’s health at risk.”

You might also ask if he’s concerned about running out of sick time; even though you think it shouldn’t be the case, it’s worth asking since you never know if there’s a concern like that underlying his actions. (If there is, the answer still won’t be “come in while vomiting,” but it’s useful to know if there’s something a concern you need to help him figure out how to address.)

Related:
my employee keeps coming to work sick

5. Talking about success stories as a tutor

I work as a private tutor in math and science. My name is on a tutor list for a local high school, so I get jobs from them, as well as getting referrals from former students and their parents. Something happened last week that has never happened before: a job interview! In person, I met with the mother and the aunt at the library (in a reserved room, so we could speak freely).

She asked me reasonable questions: about my methods, like did I have a curriculum (no, I would prefer to help with homework and current classwork and answer old questions and topics as needed) and did I work with teachers (almost never).

Then she asked me a stumper: did I have any success stories? I was taken aback. It was a good question once I gave it some thought, but I tried to convey to the mother that I was much more concerned with my relationship with the student than with their scores or grades. I sought to be a cheerleader and confidence builder, never another source of stress or pressure. I also had to answer some other valid question about how I would know if the student could do the work on their own without me next to them, but that question I felt like I could answer since I usually probed for understanding at the beginning and end of a session.

I think my actual question is about how I can build a useful response to the concerns of a parent about my qualifications. I almost never find out what happens at the end of the school year, and I can’t predict from year to year if I will even see the student again.

Yeah, if I were hiring a tutor for my kid, I’d be glad that you saw yourself as a cheerleader and confidence builder, but I’d also expect the primary goal to be ensuring my kid improved their skills and understanding of the material. If that’s not your philosophy, it’s good to talk that through before deciding to work together. But you also say that you check for understanding at the beginning and end of sessions, so it sounds to me like you do both; you just haven’t figured out how to describe that piece of it.

I suspect you do have success stories like that if you think about it, though! Have you seen kids gain in understanding and confidence and improve their grades through their work with you? Have you worked with kids who struggled with X when your work started but were able to do problems centering around X successfully by the end of your time together? Those are the sorts of success stories parents are looking for. You don’t need to produce test results, but you do want to talk about what the outcomes of your work will be/usually are.

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{ 40 comments }

{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }

    1. Annie2*

      I read it the same. They don’t want to ask the new hire questions, they want to question the act of hiring this individual.

      Reply ↓
    2. Bilateralrope*

      Same here. But the answer is the same. The most the LW should do is inform HR that this new employee appears to have slipped past their background check.

      Reply ↓
    4. Nodramalama*

      I mean either way, they were not involved in the security check, the hiring process, and are not in HR. so the answer is still no.

      Reply ↓
    5. dogmom*

      Same. Also, I am seriously wondering if LW1’s workplace hired my former coworker, who has a unique name and was busted in very similar circumstances six years ago — the video of him cruising up to the “15-year-old’s” house was posted To Catch A Predator-style on a local vigilante website, which someone sent our social media, which I happened to be monitoring that day. He did work directly with children at the time, and if he somehow managed to stay in the same line of work after everything, that is extremely alarming he passed the background check.

      Reply ↓
  2. Edam*

    Verbatim advice from this very blog:

    “I don’t think it’s a massive overstep to do a quick search because you’re curious about someone’s professional background. But your motivation matters. If you’re curious about their professional background, fine and even potentially relevant. If you’re searching for info on their personal life, that’s an overstep (and probably in no way relevant to your work with them).”

    Reply ↓
    1. Annie*

      I feel like this is a case where safety concerns may override the usual coworker boundaries.

      What we know (assuming the OP has the right information on the right person): the convicted sex offender was caught seeking out at least one inappropriate relationship with a child; the convicted sex offender somehow got hired despite company policy

      What we don’t know: did the convicted sex offender learn his lesson about seeking out inappropriate relationships with children; how much temptation to re-offend exists in the workspace; how easily can the convicted sex offender be prevented from re-offending at work; are coworkers empowered to push back on non-work-related favors that make them feel uncomfortable while still keeping the work relationship professional

      Reply ↓
      1. Name's Seuss*

        We also have no indication that this new hire will have access to children through work, which is an essential piece of information for there to be any safety risk at all!

        I’d be far more concerned if he was on the list due to non concentual acts with an adult (unless his job didn’t put him into contact with adults). Plus, I’m wondering if “6 years ago” means “6 years, 0 months” by the start date or x”6 years, 11 months”.

        Regardless, OP, keep your nose out of his business until and unless you hear about him potentially having contact with teenage boys.

        Reply ↓
      2. Nodramalama*

        Well that would be why people in recruitment, security and HR have the particular role they do in doing the onboarding, and almost certainly have access to information, policies and insight into the decision making process that LW, and certainly we, do not have

        Reply ↓
    2. Msd*

      I agree. Why is the OP doing a deep dive? I suspect they do it for all new hires because there’s no reason given what they did for this particular new hire. I bet they have one of those subscriptions you pay for that gather info from all sorts of sources. Now I’m getting annoyed thinking the OP is quite the busybody. Of course now I’m overreacting.

      Reply ↓
      1. not like a regular teacher*

        The LW that the background check took longer than normal. I would assume this piqued their curiosity. Whether they were right or wrong to check is totally outweighed by what they found. Why are you defending a pedophile?

        Reply ↓
        1. Nodramalama*

          Because that’s very the ends justifies the means thinking and that is a very controversial position. Both things can be true and they don’t remove the other. The fact that OP found something concerning about someone they THINK is their new colleague, doesn’t erase the fact that doing this amount of searching is inappropriate.

          Reply ↓
        3. Roland*

          > Why are you defending a pedophile?

          This is a really frustrating argument to use. It doesn’t actually have anything to do with what msd was objecting to because the LW had no idea about anything the guy did until they did the check into him. It’s really scary that “well some people are pedophiles” gets used to defend all privacy intrusions.

          Reply ↓
      2. No Payment Needed*

        Well, no. The OP states that they live in an open records state and talks about how much you can find out about someone with a unique name. I doubt they have to pay for anything, just appreciate the laws in their state.

        Reply ↓
      3. Bilateralrope*

        Did the letter writer do a deep dive ?

        Or did they just do a google search on the guys name and find an article about the sex offending high up in the results ?

        Reply ↓
  3. yvve*

    LW2– It does sound like there’s performance issues– Unless you’re prying already, it sounds like this person is telling you about their anxiety when you try to discuss that? (Like, “Hey, you didn’t complete this issue, why not?” “I slept badly because of my anxiety etc etc etc”).

    So I agree with the idea to refocus on work and not try to fix the issue for them– you can ask what they think would help, or if they need anything specific. But if they respond “I dont know what would help, ahhhhhh”, then you need to return to “I can give you space or whatever else you ask for, but you need to figure out what will get you to be able to complete this work”

    Reply ↓
  4. SickTime*

    OP4, I would be livid if someone tried to tell me how to manage my sick time. I would never come in o an office while knowingly contagious or unable to work (I would expect to to be able to work at home), but I almost always use all of my sick time for medical appointments and usually have to manage those very tightly/make up time in the rest of a week to keep within my allotted sick time so I will work unless I’m unable to work. If my boss told me I had to go home and not work because they felt like I shouldn’t be in the office while sick but I was fully able and willing to work, you better believe I’d expect it not to count against my time. I’d also start looking for a new job immediately if they did this more than once or ever tried to tell me I had to use my sick time. No job ever has enough sick time for me to take off whenever I don’t feel well (daily) or whenever I have a symptom that other people might interpret as illness (daily).

    Of course, I also wouldn’t tell my boss I was sick under those circumstances. There might be some circumstances when I mention not feeling well if there’s a purpose (to work at home if I’m supposed to be in an office that day, for example), but in general it’s no one else’s business as long as I’m being ptoductive.

    Reply ↓
    2. Happily Retired*

      “Of course, I also wouldn’t tell my boss I was sick under those circumstances. There might be some circumstances when I mention not feeling well if there’s a purpose (to work at home if I’m supposed to be in an office that day, for example), but in general it’s no one else’s business as long as I’m being ptoductive.”

      Well, you’d best believe that if you came into my office back when I was still working, and you gave me whatever it is that you had, it’s most certainly my damn business.

      The obvious solution to this, assuming that OP4’s employee doesn’t have a primarily customer/ client-facing job, is to allow the employee to work from home that day, if they feel they can. If OP4 (or their employer) is paranoid about staff taking advantage of this, they might put limitations on the frequency with which this is allowed, but good grief, keep your puking at home!

      Reply ↓
    6. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      Fine if you can work from home, but we don’t know if this employee can do any of their work from home – many jobs have to be 100% in person.

      A manager can – and should – send any employee home who is infectious or vomiting. They have to consider the interests of all employees, not only the person who doesn’t want to use up sick leave.

      As for just keeping quiet about being ill: hiding an infectious illness in office could be grounds for disciplinary action, especially if a coworker is immune-compromised.

      Reply ↓
    7. WS*

      Yeah, but you’re obviously not new to the workforce and having the oversharing issue that this employee is having! You’re managing your sick leave appropriately and thus it’s not your manager writing in.

      Reply ↓
  5. Bilateralrope*

    LW1, you say the name is unique. But what have you done to make sure that you found his criminal records ?

    If he merely has a rare name, you might have found criminal records of the wrong person.

    Reply ↓
  6. Zarniwoop*

    #1 Does your job involve contact with minors? If not, unless you think this guy deserves to be sentenced to lifelong poverty he needs to get a job somewhere.

    Reply ↓
    1. not like a regular teacher*

      He was hired in violation of company policy. He can get a job somewhere that doesn’t have that policy. Or go back in time and not solicit a minor for sex.

      Reply ↓
      1. Nodramalama*

        Why are you so convinced that you know everything that has happened being the scenes to be this convinced you’re correct? For all you and LW knows the reason the background check took a long time is because their new coworker shares their name with this person.

        Reply ↓
  7. allathian*

    Are there really no circumstances where contacting the EAP/getting care would be a condition of employment in the US? Seems odd given that employees in at-will states can be fired for basically any reason or no reason at all, as long as they aren’t fired for sexist, ageist, racist, ableist, etc. reasons.

    I work for the government in Finland, and here someone with substance abuse issues can be ordered into rehab as a condition of employment. Similarly, an employee with mental health issues severe enough to affect their work seriously enough to require intervention can be ordered to at least start the process of getting those issues under control.

    Reply ↓
    1. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      Yes, everywhere I’ve worked in Europe would allow time for treatment – up to 2 years in FinalJob/Germany – but would also require that treatment as a condition of continuing employment, if the issues caused work standard or conduct to fall below the required standards.

      Reply ↓
    2. Adam*

      I think those things aren’t done *because* the US is mostly at-will employment. If you can just let someone go if they’re not working out, you don’t need to put conditions on their employment. The reason to have special conditions on employment is if it’s hard to fire someone normally and so you need carve-outs for unusual circumstances.

      Reply ↓
  8. Nodramalama*

    Lw5 I had both a maths and science tutor in my last year of high school and would be very confused if they suggested their priority was to be my cheerleader. I wanted their priority to be improving my maths and science skills so I could do better in my exams.

    Reply ↓
    1. KateM*

      Yeah, I’m sure that parents (at least those who do job interviews for their children’s tutors) can do the cheerleading themselves, what they need is someone who teaches the material.

      Reply ↓
  9. HiddenT*

    LW3: I would suggest if it comes up again, maybe try to reframe it as “I’d be fine with being called ‘widget mentor’ instead”. Being called a “mom” in this setting is understandably gross in a gendered way, but asking them to reframe it as you being a mentor makes it feel more professional, I think, because it sounds like you very much are acting as a mentor even by selling your expertise, it’s still obviously helping a lot of people in the industry. It may also help them rethink how they frame gender in professional settings, which is also good!

    Reply ↓
  10. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

    OP4 (sick but still going to come in) – I thought at first it could be due to “one weird trick” he thinks he’s discovered to calling in sick without using sick time, but if it’s not that I think for some reason he feels “guilty” (or similar) about using sick time, or that it will be held against him. So in saying he has these symptoms but is still going to come in, if his manager then says don’t come in it removes his “agency” in calling out sick. Has he worked in places before where using ‘too much’ of your sick time will get you Talked To – I wonder.

    Reply ↓

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