how do I network without being too transactional?

by Alison Green on November 21, 2024

A reader writes:

I have a networking/recommendations question. My company’s been acquired and I’m worried about impending layoffs. I’ve been thinking about a return to grad school anyways so maybe this is the push I needed, but will still need a new job before then. My LinkedIn is a bit bare, but I’m a hard worker and quite sociable, so I think many of my old colleagues would have nice things to say. How do you recommend reaching out to former colleages and managers for things like LinkedIn reviews or a grad school letter of recommendation?

Do you recommend a cold text/email that includes some pleasantries but gets straight to the point about asking for a favor? Should I review them on LinkedIn first then send a message asking for the favor to be returned? These feel a bit transactional to me though. Do I ask if we can do a catch-up call and then disclose the ask (referral letter) on the call — which feels a bit slimy like the subtext is I only wanted to catch up to ask for the favor?

And should the tactic change if you’ve worked with them recently — around six months ago? Versus if it’s been a year or more? And on the matter, how long is just too long to ask for a LinkedIn review if you haven’t kept in contact?

Sorry for all the questions, but networking often feels like a minefield and I always overthink it!

First things first: don’t put a ton of capital or effort into getting LinkedIn recommendations. They don’t carry any real weight. You’re much better off asking contacts for other kinds of help, like job leads (or references when you’re at that stage).

Next, it is completely normal to let long stretches of time go by without talking with people you used to work with and then contact them out of the blue when something job-related comes up. This is not rude! It’s how people normally do it. These aren’t social relationships, where it would be rude to ignore someone for a year and then ask them to help you move out of your apartment. These are work relationships, which are governed by different etiquette.

You do not need to pretend that you are contacting people to catch up and then slip in the request once they’re talking to you. In fact, doing that will come across as insincere and is more likely to annoy people who would rather cut to the chase and find out what you’re really contacting them for.

So, yes — a text or email that includes some brief pleasantries but gets fairly quickly to the point about what you want to ask. That’s true whether it’s been six months or two years. If it’s closer to the two years end of things, you’ll want to include a bit about what you’ve been up to and also ask about them, but the basic format is the same. How long would be “too long” is a judgment call, but it’s probably much longer than you think and it depends on what you’re asking for. If someone I worked with 10 years ago contacted me for a reference now, in most cases it would feel too long ago to be able to provide the sort of nuanced info that’s actually useful … but if wouldn’t be too long for other types of requests, like “I’m super interested in Org X, saw you worked for them a while back, and wonder what you know about what they look for in llama analysts.”

Also, because you sound a little nervous about the whole thing, remember that with networking, the assumption is always that there may be opportunity for give-and-take. You’re asking for a favor now, but they know they might be asking you for a favor in a year. People are motivated to maintain these sorts of relationships in part because they go both ways, and it benefits them for you to think warmly of them and have good will toward them. Obviously if you never come through for them when they approach you, their perception of that will change — but generally business networking is predicated on an assumption of mutual good will, warmth, and a desire to assist, within reason.

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  1. Margaret Cavendish*

    I like to think of it as “pay it forward” rather than “give and take.” Especially if you’re early in your career, it’s not likely that the person you ask for help is going to come back to you with their own request. What’s far more likely, is that some *other* person will come to you with an entirely different request, you help them out, they pay it forward, and so on.

    Either way, the idea is the same – networking is a system that only works if people participate in it. And it’s a really normal thing to do! It can feel huge and scary at first, but it will get easier with practice.

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    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Sometimes a more senior person will ask for help too, like “do you know anyone who’s right for this job I’m hiring for?” or “I see you worked with Jane Smith who I’m interviewing this week, what was she like as a colleague?”

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      1. Margaret Cavendish*

        Oh, I’m not saying it never happens! Just that the “give and take” framing makes it sound like a one-to-one relationship, so if you don’t think you have anything to offer the other person it does feel quite transactional.

        Networking is actually a many-to-many relationship. You might help me by connecting me to someone else in your network, and they might connect me to someone in theirs. Or you might never need my help at all, but someone completely unconnected to you does. So even if I’m not paying you back directly, I’m contributing to the system by paying it forward. YYMV on the language of course!

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      1. Specks*

        Ugh, it cut off early

        I’ve been asked by much more senior people, usually on behalf of their students or interns or staff. So the request might not be for them directly and you are sort of “paying it forward”, but also kind of paying it back.

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  2. Anita Brake*

    I have done this, both ways (i. e. I provided a reference for someone, and someone provided a reference for me), for years. I wouldn’t include information from 10 years ago unless it was required for the job application, but I have had no trouble when contacting people after months or even years of no contact.

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  3. Bosslady*

    I’m in a niche industry where networking is critical but the majority of people new to the industry have been in a profession where it was straightforward to get a new position (think medical professional turned consultant). I am continuously approached by people new to our field who only ask for a “favor” when I barely know them. When I talk to newbies about networking I stress that networking is essentially making new friends. It’s important to ask people about themselves and their lives. It’s also important in networking to build a relationship, not just ask for a favor. That means, just like in real friendships, you have conversations where you are only offering something. Offering to write an article, teach a webinar, or send them the contact of someone you think they might benefit from. I think it’s reasonable to ask for an unsolicited “favor” after several of these real interactions where you only offer you don’t ask.

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    2. Venus*

      If you’re looking for a new job due to layoffs then I don’t expect there to be a conversation first. I’d be totally fine if someone messaged me with “It had been such a long time since we last spoke! Sorry to be starting off with bad news but unfortunately I’m worried about layoffs in my current workplace and I’m reaching out in case you have any leads on X jobs. I’d also love to catch up if you have the time! I hope you’re doing well.” In that case I could easily respond that I don’t have any suggestions, or send links if I had any, and I wouldn’t be spending a lot of time. I might take the time to chat if it worked out, but I wouldn’t want to feel obligated.

      You’re right that I wouldn’t expect this request of someone I barely know, but if it’s a coworker that I worked with a few years ago or someone I’ve spent time with at conferences then I’d be happy to respond.

      If it’s a more complicated request like a reference letter for grad school then I’d expect them to buy me a coffee or something that shows they know it’s a much bigger favor.

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  4. The_artist_formerly_known_as_Anon-2*

    This reminds me – I *always* advised younger people, to attend and participate in professional groups, because the people in them will become part of your “network”.

    Those that network will likely find themselves in demand. Even moreso if they should lose their current situation.

    Unfortunately, many professionals are content and complacent in their current situations and give no thought to what might happen if they find their jobs being eliminated. I was laid off – ONCE= in a 49 year career, and subsequently learned that networking — which I hadn’t done – is the primary tool to keep your career going.

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  5. Bananapants*

    I’ve been on the receiving end of multiple such requests from former colleagues. We usually do catch up a bit during the conversation but as long as they aren’t a jerk, I’ve never once thought ill of someone going a year or so without talking, then reaching out with a straightforward “Hey, hope you’re well! I’m job hunting and wondered if you could give me a recommendation/let me know if you’re hiring.”

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  6. Snarkus Aurelius*

    One of the reasons I’m really good* at my job is because I traffic two things: information and favors. Yes, I know it’s transactional, but that’s what the work world is. We’re not friends who help each other through a move or a divorce.

    It’s okay! We know what’s up! It’s all good. You just need to pay it forward.

    The only people I won’t help are people who didn’t help me. When I worked in DC, a lobbyist friend of mine said he was going to help me land an interview on the Hill, but he told other people he never did it and lied to me. So when I ended up on the Hill later, his call was the first one I refused to return. Those types are few and far between though.

    *For whatever reason, my mom finds my “behavior” of trading favors to get ahead at work disgusting and immoral. I have no idea why.

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    1. Funko Pops Day*

      Not your mother, but I guess because I suppose there’s some gray area between things that would be clearly unethical (an elected official who only assists constituents who were major campaign donors; a boss who assigns desirable shifts based on who bought the most wrapping paper for a school fundraiser) and other kinds of “trading favors” that aren’t (coworker A worked late to help proofread report by Coworker B, so Coworker B stays late to watch A practice a big presentation & give feedback)

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    2. The_artist_formerly_known_as_Anon-2*

      “*For whatever reason, my mom finds my “behavior” of trading favors to get ahead at work disgusting and immoral. I have no idea why.”

      Different generations have done things, well, differently than how they’re done today. You don’t bombard companies blindly with “gumption applications”, you don’t rely on the want ads for employment opportunities (generally), and if you’re a technical specialist, you’re not going to find a job at the unemployment office.

      Perhaps that’s why she feels that way. Things were different “back in the day”!

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    3. Angstrom*

      I’ve seen attitudes towards networking mentioned a few times while reading about white-collar vs. blue-collar attitudes towards work. There’s a blue-collar view that one should get ahead solely on one’s effort and merit, and using relationships to advance is cheating. It’s easy to understand that view if trading favors is seen as “sucking up to the boss” or other influential people(management) instead of as a peer-to-peer exchange.

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      1. Nola*

        True. But then lots of blue collar workers do network – they just don’t call it that.

        “My uncle’s a plumber and he hired me as his assistant.”

        “Bob got me hired on at the factory.”

        “I’m semi retired but John and Frank will still call me up to pour concrete for the day.”

        Right now I’m reviewing employment files of dockworkers and almost every one I’ve seen lists another as a referral to the job.

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        1. AnotherLibrarian*

          Exactly. We don’t think of this as networking, but every profession has this same give and take. Relationships matter in all fields.

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          1. Angstrom*

            And of course, perspective matters. It’s being smart and resourceful when you use contacts to get ahead. It’s unfair when someone else uses contacts to get ahead of you. ;-)

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      2. Jessica*

        I am reading a super interesting and good book right now: The Privileged Poor: How Elite Colleges Are Failing Disadvantaged Students, by Anthony Abraham Jack.

        The “privileged poor” of the title are the students who come from poor backgrounds BUT have been scholarship kids at fancy high schools, and so when they arrive at Elite College, they already have worked through the culture shock, they don’t feel as alienated, and they have learned how to negotiate this type of environment. Jack makes a compelling argument about how their experiences and needs are different from those of students who came from a similar home/family background of poverty and are coming to Elite College from regular public high schools.

        Getting to the point of what this has to do with Angstrom’s comment, something I recall from this book was the observation that both the rich kids, and also the “privileged poor” kids who’d spent four years in high school absorbing middle-class norms/attitudes/values, were usually assertive about reaching out to connect with professors and other adults on campus, building their network, and developing mentor relationships with all kinds of people who’d be able to help them down the line (jobs, reference letters, internships, support with college stuff, etc.). But the poor kids who’d come straight from their original lives to the Elite College were often playing by a different set of working-class rules: they saw the others as suckups, felt uncomfortable trying to make those kinds of connections with adults, and believed that they should get ahead through the quality of their work and through hard work, not through networking. So in spite of having beaten the odds and persevered to get to Elite College, they weren’t reaping the same benefits from it as everyone else. :-(

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      3. PlainJane*

        That makes sense. We were blue collar for a long time, and considered it disgusting the way rich people just made contacts at the club or–the big grimace–the golf course and gave them a leg up while the rest of us scrambled to actually be good at something and earn a way in on merit, as opposed to “just using Daddy’s connections.” And it combined with the more middle-class attitude that of course one does not discuss money and business in social situations; it was gauche.

        Not to bring something up that’s vaguely political, but let us say there was once a current politician who wrote a book about class differences, and the moment I resonated with was when he said that he arrived at an Ivy League school thinking it was enough to excel, then realized that all of the other students were playing an entirely different game. I don’t agree with everything–almost anything–the man says, but that moment, I _felt_ in my bones. It was exactly how I felt when I got to undergrad and everyone else seemed to have all the same experiences and they looked down on mine.

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    4. The_artist_formerly_known_as_Anon-2*

      “*For whatever reason, my mom finds my “behavior” of trading favors to get ahead at work disgusting and immoral. I have no idea why.”

      Probably because she’s doesn’t have knowledge as to how the recruiting/employment process takes place today. Back when I was out of work (in 1990) my parents advised me to bombard companies with “gumption applications”, continue to concentrate on the want ads, after completing an application or interview to repeatedly pester the employer, etc. etc.

      Today it’s (predominately) networking. And I also think your LinkedIn profile is important because it not only indicates what you’ve done, but also shows who you have connected with. I had a friend who was unemployed (long time) and all of his LinkedIn contacts were similarly unemployed. Not a good look, but if he had connected with successful colleagues, well, that’s a different story.

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  7. Lauren19*

    I wrapped up a job search earlier this year, and found that people WANT to help, but they may not always have leads. And like Allison said, letters of recommendation is not really the best favor to ask for. Most people will not have a job lead for you, so I asked instead for an introduction to other people in my field. The thought was I’m going to get my next job through a connection, but I may not have met that connection yet. Text I used in case it’s helpful to anyone:

    Hi [NAME]!! How have you been? [LIGHT HEARTED QUESTION – still running marathons? How are your kids doing? Remember that crazy flight delay we had?]

    I’m reaching out because I’m in the market for a new role. I’ve loved the work and the people at [COMPANY], but [after X years, or given the shift in the marketplace, etc.] it’s time to branch out. Ideally I’d find something in the [type of job] space, [remote, hybrid, location?].

    If you hear of anything, or have any recommendations of places I should look or people I should talk to, I’d love to connect! At this stage, my goal is to have as many conversations as possible to get quality leads. My resume is attached as well.

    [CLOSE WITH PERSONAL NOTE]

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  8. Warm Fuzzies*

    I’d like to back up what Alison is saying here. Whenever I hear from someone I genuinely enjoyed working with, to serve as a reference or see if I might be able to connect them to opportunities (or even once to provide documentation of their freelance work with me for a mortgage app), I usually get a warm fuzzy feeling of hoping they’re doing well and progressing in their careers. I might be briefly annoyed if the reference check ends up being overly involved or the checker calls at a bad time, but that annoyance is all directed at the checker, not the contact who asked.

    Job hunting is really hard and it feels good to help someone out, especially my former colleagues who are younger than me and were just starting out when they worked with me.

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  9. Hlao-roo*

    One thing I don’t see mentioned so far in the comments section:

    When reaching out, it helps to include a few sentences of “I worked with you on [Project X] during [time frame],” to help jog memories (especially if you’re reaching out to former professors or former managers from an internship–they probably have a lot of other past students/interns).

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  10. Regular Human Accountant*

    About ten years ago I, too, was working for a company that had been acquired and I felt layoffs were impending, so I contacted many of my connections on LinkedIn to say, Hey, hope you’re well; I’m on the job market so please reach out if you know of any openings. A former grandboss contacted me almost immediately and I had another job within a month.

    I’ve had many jobs over my lifetime and in fact my current job is the ONLY one that I didn’t get due to my network. Sometimes it’s been as easy as running into an old coworker and finding out they needed a person and I needed a job; other times I reached out like in my example above. This is why I tell my kids and their friends that your network is gold: make a good impression on people, link others to jobs when you can, and you’ll reap the benefits yourself in time.

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  11. Stipes*

    When it comes to work relationships, valuing what you can do for each other shouldn’t feel sleazily transactional. There’s an inherent compliment in reaching out to someone for help.

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    1. Richard Hershberger*

      I got my current job (of four months and counting) by email someone I had worked with some 15 years ago. We had communicated perhaps twice since then. He is now in a senior position, and it so happened that he had a gap that I filled nicely. Was this transactional? Of course it was, for both of us.

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    2. Hlao-roo*

      I mentioned this in a stand-alone comment but it’s more important after 17 years (or a similarly long time):

      If you’re reaching out via email, write up a few sentences along the lines of “I worked with you at [company/org name] back in 2007. I spearheaded the [project name] and also helped create TPS reports for the [other project name] that you ran in 2006. Since leaving [company/org name], I’ve worked at [other company] as [job title] doing XYZ work and then at [third company] as [job title] doing ABC work.”

      You could also attach an updated version of your resume, so the person/people you’re reaching out to can get a more detailed picture of your post-working-together professional achievements.

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      1. Elitist Semicolon*

        I’d save the resume for the next email – after they’ve written back and been all, “nice to hear from you! Sure, happy to help.” But otherwise this is a sound approach!

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    3. Lomster*

      I just reached out someone from 20 years ago to ask how to apply for a job at her org. She gave me the hiring manager’s direct email and told her to look out for my application. This is the kind of thing that really old connections are good for!

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    4. Elitist Semicolon*

      I mean, at some point, all you can do is lean into it and be like, “I know it’s been a while, but…” In my experience being on both the sending and receiving end of that kind of email (or call or whatever), as long as the person asking is up front about acknowledging the gap and not acting like I’m their long lost bestie, it’s not weird.

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  13. Properlike*

    “Ask for advice, not for help.” With this, you’re giving an “in” to the other person to offer their help to you. You’d be surprised by how many people like to help!

    This is the advice I give to newer people in networking situations. The other is: “Get to know the other person well enough with the goal of helping them.” That way, it’s not a “do this for me” transactional thing. It’s an ongoing business relationship, and you never know who knows someone else.

    “Volunteer for things in your field” as mentioned above is something everyone should do for unlimited goodwill and because it’s good to do.

    But if I already know you, and worked with you, and liked you, then I would have no problem with being approached a couple of years down the line.

    Reply ↓
    1. Properlike*

      Also, being known as a person who helps others when they come to you with questions or advice, or forwarding articles/info of interest relevant to their interests, will pay off down the line before you need it.

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  14. Diatryma*

    Networking can feel greasy, and what helps me with it is to remember that it’s not making connections to help myself, but to help others. Networking is so much more enjoyable when you’re the link in the middle solving problems on both ends.

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    1. Elitist Semicolon*

      And people love feeling like they’ve been helpful to someone else, too, so a lot of the time they’re so flattered that someone asked for help or advice that they don’t even consider that there might be anything transactional going on. They’re too busy being happy that their knowledge and experience are relevant.

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  15. Apex Mountain*

    As someone who has been in senior positions and asked to be a reference or write letters of recommendation, we are used to this so don’t worry about writing a certain style or whatever. You also want to make it easy for them – at times I’ve had the asker write a draft of a recommendation letter and then I’d edit

    Also, skip the LinkedIn recs – they are useless, nobody looks at those!

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    1. BurnOutCandidate*

      “Also, skip the LinkedIn recs – they are useless, nobody looks at those!”

      This is good to know. I considered updating my own page — I log in sporadically at best — but it seems such a nuissance.

      A colleague — well, now former colleague, as he was laid off earlier this month — asked me to write a LinkedIn recommendation and check off skills for him. I sat down, when I had some free time, and wrote a recommendation letter, stressing qualities, highlighting some projects we had worked on, etc. When I posted it, I then read some of his other letters of rec, and one was close to gibberish, it was so bogged down in corporate jargon.

      I found checking skills to be an enormous pain; the LinkedIn UX was terrible, as I would reach a point on the page where it would take me somewhere entirely different after clicking the button. After half an hour of fighting with it, I gave up. I’d done enough, I felt, at that point.

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  16. Rachers*

    Don’t feel so anxious about this – I think in this climate and environment it’s actually a positive to reach out for these types of connections. I recently had a former coworker from 4+ years ago reach out for a referral, and on the flipside another former coworker who referred a new client over to me. It was so nice that someone thought of me as a positive connection for both!

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  17. Mike*

    Alison’s advice is spot on as usual and needs no confirmation from me, but my recent experience might help reassure you. My job was eliminated late last year. I reached out to everyone in my professional circle I thought might be helpful.

    It was a short message: it’s been a while, hope you’re doing well, my job was eliminated and I was wondering if you had time to catch up on any opportunities that might exist at [their company’s name], or anywhere else.

    Everyone responded favorably. And I caught up with each of them. Some were in a position to be helpful…some weren’t, but connected me with other names whom I followed up with…you get the idea. Everyone understands job loss, and everyone wants to be helpful. I’ve been on that side of the phone myself. Everyone knows that they could be next, and it never hurts to bank some good karma.

    It worked, BTW. I got a great job before my severance ran out, and all is well.

    Best of luck; we’re all sending you positive thoughts.

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  18. Katydid*

    I just applied to grad school and I needed letters of recommendation – but I didn’t want to ask anyone at my current job. I just emailed my previous boss and a colleague and asked them before I sent the invite from the grad school application. It always feels a little anxiety provoking, but they were happy to do it. And I got accepted!

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  19. MuseumGeek*

    I echo what Lauren19 says it their script. It is really helpful to sketch out for people exactly what you’re looking for (I gave 3 – 4 concrete examples of the kinds of jobs/projects that would be a good fit). If you don’t spell that out, they will want to help, but will probably send you listings to jobs that match your last job title.
    But you may have been ready to move up the ladder before the layoff, might be looking to move sideways, or whatever. People told me how much they appreciated the specific “search image” that they could use as they kept their eyes open for me.
    And – as others have said, I always close by asking how I can help them.

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  20. PlainJane*

    Networking as a concept is a major source of stress for me, too, so I sympathize with OP! I’m usually filling out apps online at an ungodly hour, and I panic about whether so-and-so has forgotten me, or has changed his or mind about being listed.

    As to the personal references… first, why? But second, I’m caught in the whole isolation epidemic and have no current social capital at all. The only people I know are work references or family. I went to buy a car once–my loan had already been approved by the bank, so I didn’t think I’d need to provide my references–and they demanded that I list three people off the top of my head. I managed to find one of my supervisors (and was turned down by another, and couldn’t get an answer from any of my old friends right away) and scrambled for personal references who I didn’t live with and only managed to find one that I had contact info for… and after forty minutes of a complete panic attack–I wasn’t sure my old car would make the trip back–the head sales guy told the junior one I was working with that I didn’t need it. But WHY DID THEY ASK? It just always freaks me out to give other people’s contacts, largely because I’m not that close to anyone and I feel like I’m being judged and found wanting and… Okay, sorry, that’s a me thing. ;p So is my social anxiety about approaching the people I do know professionally. But it’s real, and of all the parts of the application process, that’s the worst for me.

    As to just “networking”… I wouldn’t even know where to begin, which probably explains why I’m constantly passed over.

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  21. Brain sparkles*

    I love to ‘collect’ good people around me, particularly if I’m at a good employer. So don’t necessarily look at this as imposing on your former colleagues… If you had a good working relationship or were known to do good work, there’s a good chance they’ll actually be happy you got in contact and to recommend you to a role if anything is available!

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  22. JFC*

    It’s all a good reminder to always make good impressions. I worked with someone 5-10 years ago and essentially replaced her at my current company when she had to move out of state. We haven’t been in close contact except for occasional Facebook messages, but I saw her recently, as her family is relocating here. We’ve now started conversations about her rejoining our company because we recognize she has skills that could really be beneficial, and I have new duties since being promoted.

    Conversely, when a position opened on my team, I reached out to someone who I thought would be a good fit, partly because I know she’s unhappy in her current role. She said she wasn’t interested but also wanted a lunch meeting to know more (???). We had tentative lunch plans that fell through, after which I got a snarky email from her about ghosting her (which did not happen). I could not in good faith give her a good recommendation to anyone at this point because of her behavior.

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  23. Betsy S*

    Great point above about reminding people what you did, especially senior people, and no harm in throwing in a few words about what you’re good at or some accomplishment they’d remember (“I was in llama grooming, I was the person who brought in the clicker-training”)

    When networking, if you’re right for a job with your contact’s company, it’s can be a big win for them as well. Sometimes even a win that pays a recruitment bonus.

    At my last job, when we were introduced to our new grand-boss after a re-org, I was able to mention that I’d brought in M, who was excellent, for a position on his team. I think that gave him a good impression of me, by association.

    Reply ↓

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