I can’t advocate for myself without getting emotional

by Alison Green on November 26, 2024

A reader writes:

I can’t advocate for myself without getting emotional.

Once I tried to negotiate a medical bill down using advice from many articles online and couldn’t get through the conversation without crying. It wasn’t that I didn’t have money to pay the bill; it was the anger and frustration and feeling of powerlessness of expecting to pay $200 and being charged $1,500.

Today I tried to negotiate my salary for the first time. I had it all planned out in my head what I wanted to say, but as soon as I started talking my voice was wavering. I wanted to say, “I think I’m worth more than the bottom of the salary band for my promotion, here are some examples, the number I’m hoping for is $X.”

Instead the HR person opened the conversation with a detailed overview of how salaries are set at my company. It was actually very helpful, but I felt like the subtext was “don’t be disappointed if we say no because we probably will.” I asked some follow-ups and then the HR person said she can’t go back to the department VPs with “Jane is kind of unhappy with her raise” and that I needed to write down my ask and send it to her and we’ll go from there.

Which is fine! I can do that, it’s what I wanted to do from the beginning. And she was incredibly kind about me crying during our whole conversation. But I still feel so frustrated by the process and with myself for not being able to have this normal work conversation as a seasoned professional in my 30s. I feel so immature. I also feel like I never want to negotiate a raise ever again because the few thousand dollars a year I want to ask for is not worth the emotional energy, stress, and embarrassment this has caused me.

How do I get past this and keep advocating for myself in the future?

I wrote back and asked: “What’s going on in your head when you feel yourself getting emotional? Are you expecting to be turned down and you’re upset/angry about that in advance? Do you find it scary to ask for something you want because you’re worried other people won’t agree you deserve it? What are the underlying emotions that are making it such an intense experience? Also, do you find this happens with any other category of conversation, or is it pretty much always when advocating for yourself?”

It’s mostly an advocating for myself/being assertive thing. I hate rocking the boat. With negotiating in general, I think I get upset and stressed preemptively because I expect the conversation to be … not quite adversarial, but whatever the polite business version of that is. And then I assume I’ll end up looking silly and unreasonable.

For more context on the specific incident I wrote in about, I’m mad at myself for not negotiating when I accepted my initial offer several years ago. At the time I thought it was a generous offer above the company-wide salary band for my level, if slightly lower than the number I initially named. A few days after I joined the company, I learned the salary bands had all increased at some point during the month I was interviewing and I had assessed the offer based on the old information.

This has been eating at me ever since. I feel like a chump for not even asking again if there was wiggle room when we got to the offer stage. Negotiating my promotion felt like the time to make up for it, even while I assumed the answer was no.

(The medical bill example is similar — like I should have known the hospital would overcharge and I was an idiot for not asking the price in advance.)

The thing is, a senior leader on my team (someone with sway over raises and promotions) encouraged me to negotiate. She said it’s probable they could come up, and even if they can’t now they still want to know what I think my work is worth. It should not have been scary. But negotiations get to me! I’m trapped in a doom-loop thought spiral before I even open my mouth.

This might not be where you expected this answer to go, but I am a big, big believer that when your thought patterns on something consistently don’t line up with the reality of the situation, therapy is what will help you fix it.

Here’s what I see in your letter: You believe that advocating for yourself, even in routine and expected ways, will be A Big Deal — that you’ll seem unreasonable or aggressive, and that the act of asking for something you want is an almost inherently hostile move (even knowing, as I’m sure you do, that other people have salary negotiations all the time — so on some level you know it’s not a huge deal, but your brain is still wired to react as if yours will be). You also call yourself as a “chump” for not knowing you had outdated salary info a couple of years ago, when that’s not a normal thing to be expected to realize. Feeling like a chump — or like an idiot for not knowing the hospital would overcharge you — is a pretty adversarial framework to be defaulting to.

That thinking doesn’t reflect the reality of how this stuff works! When that’s the case, it’s nearly always rooted in lessons you learned growing up, lessons that probably made sense for your circumstances at the time but aren’t serving you well as an adult who’s not operating in those same circumstances now.

For example … did you grow up in a family where people weren’t allowed to express their needs, or where only some people were allowed to do that and you weren’t? Or where your needs often weren’t met, and it was a big deal to try to claim things you needed? Or in a family where everything was high-conflict, so when you imagine advocating for yourself, the conversation your brain pictures is dramatic and high-conflict because that’s what was modeled for you early on?

Very often, when your reactions don’t seem warranted by your current situation, it will turn out there there were circumstances in your past where that reaction did make sense.

Therapy can help you unravel that, drain some of those early lessons of their power, and then help you re-wire your brain so it responds in a way that better serves you now.

That’s a long-term answer to the problem, but I strongly believe it’s what will fix this at its root, and I bet it would increase your quality of life in other ways too.

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{ 43 comments }

{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Angstrom*

    “It’s ok to ask for what you want.” Such a simple idea, and so hard for so many of us.

    Keep working on it, OP. It can make your life better in so many ways.

    Reply ↓
    1. Ganymede II*

      I grew up in a culture where “asking for what you want” meant “you are so selfish to not be satisfied with what is provided to you” and it is so hard to unlearn.

      Reply ↓
      1. Angstrom*

        Yes! It’s presented as a binary: if you’re not a meek doormat, you’re rude/greedy/selfish/arrogent/etc. Being calm, polite, and assertive is unknown territory.

        Reply ↓
      2. A Simple Narwhal*

        …”asking for what you want” meant “you are so selfish to not be satisfied with what is provided to you”

        Oof that really neatly sums up a thought process I struggle with.

        It is so hard to unlearn that, I still feel like I’m ungrateful sometimes if I want to express I’m not 100% happy with something. Because I have it so good, I feel like I don’t deserve to ask for more. Even dumb things like “my husband does so much and is so wonderful, I shouldn’t bring up something stupid like asking him to hang up wet hand towels rather than leave them on the counter, it’s not that big a deal and I can live with it”. (Note: this is all internal and my husband actively asks me to not just swallow these things.)

        I’m working on it, but it’s hard!

        Reply ↓
    2. AFac*

      I run into the scenario that unless everyone in the meeting is 100% supportive and fully convinced I am right, I often feel like my request is doomed and I am an embarrassing failure who shouldn’t have dared make the request. Sometimes any concern or pushback during the process feels like a judgement on me as a person, even if my request is ultimately granted. It sounds like the OP feels like this too as a result of the conversation about pay bands and the feeling like they were being prepared for disappointment.

      The reality usually is that there’s always some nuance to decisions that may or may not be under my control. My request may have been justified and I still may not get what I want. I’m still learning to take my wins when I get them without nitpicking my performance.

      Reply ↓
  2. bamcheeks*

    LW, I really recommend Ken and Kate Back’s Assertiveness At Work. They have a lot of really straightforward techniques for reframing conflicts away from “you want X, I want Y, one of us must lose” to “we both want Y, we have slightly differing needs, how do we bring them into alignment?” It’s very much focussed on both believing you have a right to assert your needs, and doing it in such a way that you understand and respect the other party’s needs too. And it’s a very well-written and easy book to read, too!

    Reply ↓
  3. Kay*

    I agree with therapy, and if you can’t do that right away – do you have anyone you can role play these scenarios with? Even perhaps just rehearse them out loud by yourself, covering all the different scenarios you can think of on how the situation could go, might help a bit?

    Reply ↓
    1. SarahKay*

      Strongly seconding the ‘rehearse them out loud’. Saying something out loud for the first time can be really, unexpectedly, tough.
      No matter how much you’ve *thought* sentences or phrases, somehow actually using your voice and making it audible can be really, really emotional. Practicing saying the thing aloud gradually removes the emotion from it.

      (As a side note, at least for me, I’ve found that embarrassing memories will lose a lot of their sting if I can bring myself to describe what happened aloud. Doesn’t need anyone else present, it’s just the act of voicing it aloud that works for me.)

      Reply ↓
      1. Hlao-roo*

        This is so true! I practice out loud by myself and even when I have a script that I think sounds cool and calm in my head, a lot of emotions usually come out when I say the words out loud for the first time. I start with saying things out loud to an empty room, and I usually have to run through a script about 5 times to work out the wavery voice, stumbling over words, and other emotional seep-through. Then I say the script once or twice in front of a mirror (if the conversation is going to take place in person or by videocall) to check that my face isn’t doing anything weird.

        Reply ↓
    2. Vipsania Agrippina*

      The advice of saying out loud what you want to say in advace, in the way you want to say it is a very usedul one.

      The first times it will feel awkward, and you possibly will stumble over your words, and you might sound insecure. But after trying a few times, thing will go smoother and you will sound more assertive. (Ok, at least this is how it is for me).

      Reply ↓
  4. Mary*

    I am an angry cryer and I don’t like that about myself, but I have learned that it’s just part of how I experience being angry. However, it isn’t always a good or useful thing when I am trying to communicate. I feel for the letter writer, and I hope that whatever they choose to do they can find a way to advocate for themselves and feel at peace about it.

    Reply ↓
    1. Slow Gin Lizz*

      Same, and my default when I’m experiencing overwhelming emotions used to always be that I would cry. I haaaaaaated it. People would give me all kinds of ways to avoid crying but none of them worked. I tried therapy too, but the thing that really did help me was anti-anxiety meds. I still sometimes cry when experiencing strong emotions (and still *always* at funerals) but there’s something about my individual chemical makeup that the meds helped a LOT. I didn’t even really notice how much the meds helped until I stopped taking them briefly and went back to my old baseline crying level. I did not enjoy that time at all.

      I have since read that because women have smaller tear ducts (or something to do with our physical biology) we tend to cry more easily than men. I’m sure hormones have a lot to do with it too, but the fact that our physicality makes us more prone to tears vindicated me to a huge degree.

      Reply ↓
      1. CV*

        I think there’s a social training component to women crying when angry vs. what people reared as men do, which is blame others and/or get violent (or WANT to get violent, but don’t.)

        I’ll leave it to the anthropologists to figure out why. I expect there’s research out there.

        Reply ↓
  5. Aunt Vixen*

    Is there any percentage in imagining you’re advocating for someone else? I’ve found myself being much firmer in situations where I’ve been saying “I think you should be paying [that other person] more than you’re paying them” than I would ever feel comfortable being if I were saying “I think you should be paying me more.”

    Reply ↓
  6. Lark*

    If you can, get a prescription for propanolol from your doctor and take it before you have these conversations. It will take all the physical symptoms out of the stress you’re feeling (wavering voice, shortness of breath, rapid heart rate, face turning red). Once you can medically eliminate the outward, physical embodiment of your emotions, you will have the space and energy to build confidence to address these meetings in the way you envision.

    I run a startup and pitch regularly to investors. Propanolol was a godsend in getting rid of all the physical stress symptoms and allowed me space to crush pitches confidently.

    Reply ↓
    1. Lyra Belacqua*

      Yeah, it sounds like part of the problem is that this has been a pattern so long that the emotional reactions have become self-reinforcing. Therapy for sure, but meds could really help interrupt that feedback loop.

      Reply ↓
    2. Observer*

      I don’t think advising specific medications is a wise thing to do. While it’s true that medication might help the LW, we don’t know nearly enough to say something like this so definitively. Beta blockers do not work for everyone and they do have potential side effects.

      LW, I do agree that a conversation with your doctor about medication would not be off base, at least in the short term.

      Reply ↓
    3. Flag*

      Google.com

      Flagging for medical advice, though I would love to see this comment reworded to not violate the rules – I found it informative!

      Reply ↓
    4. Lark*

      Apologies for insinuating this is medical advice. It is not – only a potential discussion to have with a medical doctor.

      Reply ↓
  7. Jojo*

    Woof. LW I really feel for you. I’m like this as well, and it’s so frustrating. I think Alison’s advice, as usual, is very good. I hope you can work on this and feel better about asking for what you need.

    Reply ↓
  8. dfrax*

    I would highly recommend a basic negotiating course as well. Karass is widely known for doing good ones, or ISM, APICS, or Manufacturer’s Alliance type organizations. This will help you see that much of negotiating is about perspective and give you practice. Also books like Never Split the Difference.

    Reply ↓
  9. Harper the Other One*

    I second Allison’s compassionate advice for therapy! I have finally had the opportunity to work with a therapist this year, and even though I considered myself a fairly assertive person, I realized how much I am giving way for others and how rarely I truly advocate for my needs. It has helped me tremendously.

    Reply ↓
  10. tenor eleven*

    Emotions present themselves in unexpected ways, and that’s OK. It’s normal. Something that has served me well is to concentrate on the feelings my body has when I experience intense emotion: heart pounding, face flushing, etc. It gives me just enough distance to observe my emotions without being swept up by them. (Sometimes. I fall down a lot. It takes a lot of time.)

    Alison’s advice is good, and be gentle with yourself as you navigate this path.

    Reply ↓
  11. John*

    It helps if you think of it like a game.

    Know that your employer is trying to get away with paying each of you the very least they can. (That can combat your belief that you are unnecessarily rocking the boat.)

    Got into it expecting them to push back on you and explain away every valid point. When you start expecting them to stonewall you, it removes emotion.

    Reply ↓
  12. Eldritch Office Worker*

    The other thing I would say OP is that you are probably not the only person who has cried in HR’s office while talking about money. We try to decouple emotions and professionalism as a society, but it’s so normal for people to get worked up when they’re asking about something that impacts their life so much.

    That’s not to say it isn’t something to work on and get help with, but I promise this wasn’t a huge deal.

    Reply ↓
  13. angry crier*

    Wow, I can relate to so much of this letter, right down to berating myself for being a “chump” for not standing up for myself earlier. Angry, frustrated tears, too. And yes, the origin was family stuff, and therapy has helped a lot. Will upvote imagining advocating for someone else. Hang in there, it takes time and focus, but those old patterns can be reset.

    Reply ↓
  14. Nonsense*

    Cliche as it is, this is one of those abilities that gets easier the more you do it. I’m not usually an emotional person – my AuDHD went for monotone instead of passion – but I have found that when I’m nervous about something, I start to get teary and choked up. And it makes sense to be nervous about a big hospital bill, or asking for a raise! I was lucky enough to have friends who were willing to act out different scenarios so we could all gain some practice, and then I took two public speaking courses in college that helped as well.

    Keep your breathing as even and deep as possible. Expand the sternum, not raise your shoulders when you breathe in.

    Take a second to pause if you feel yourself getting choked up, breathe deep, and then continue. Clear your throat if you have to, but I’ve found you can only get away with once or twice in a conversation.

    Let yourself take a few longer blinks if you get teary. Clears the tears but it’s not immediately noticeable.

    Allow yourself to be nervous, but don’t let that be the end of your mental statement. Eg “I’m nervous about asking for this raise. I am going to ask anyway because I know I’m worth the money for X, Y, and Z reasons.” Sometimes acknowledging the emotion makes it less intense.

    Good luck!

    Reply ↓
    1. Meg*

      Yes! I worked in retail for a long time, and I realized that it really helped me in regards to calling and asking for stuff (usually between two part of the business), so when I had to do it for myself, it was easier.

      Reply ↓
  15. Meg*

    For me (being Midwestern, and very anti-adversarial), changing my thinking really helped. It is literally a part of these peoples jobs to help you/communicate with you. Nothing you say will be out of left field for them. Calling a billing department to talk about a bill (calmly) is 1000000% normal. Talking to HR about a raise is 100000% normal. You’re not being mean or rude by doing so. Its their job!

    Its scary to advocate for yourself, but literally, nobody else is going to step up to help you but you.

    Reply ↓
  16. Amanda*

    This is 100% me. Here are some things that have helped me. Picking a strategic time for the meeting… mornings aren’t good for me so I tend to have more difficult convos in the afternoon. Writing down talking points and bring them with me. When I feel like I am going to cry I pinch the skin on one of my fingers and that seems to distract me enough to usually stop/prevent the crying. Find a few people that you can practice conversations with. It helps to take away the nerves and they can help you strengthen your agruments.

    Reply ↓
  17. Shynosaur*

    I absolutely could have written this letter myself! I literally had the same thought process of “what a chump I was not to ask more about medical billing” once. This kind of automatic thought process is hard to explain to people who don’t have it. Alison’s advice is all completely solid, especially re: therapy, and all I would add is look into “rejection sensitive dysphoria,” because I don’t think a lot of people know about it and if you have that (I do and your case sounds so much like something I’d write), knowing about it can unlock a lot of the puzzle. Wishing you the best of luck with yourself!

    Reply ↓
  18. Insert Pun Here*

    I know adopting this mindset is easier said than done but: even if they do think you’re silly (they probably don’t, but if they do), so what? I mean, there are people in the workplace peeing in sinks (okay maybe just that one guy) and pushing their coworkers into traffic. “Silly” is fine!!

    On a more serious note, I negotiate with people all the time (not about employment/salary) and often have to tell them that I can’t do/give what they want. Sometimes the “no” is for financial reasons and sometimes it’s for “you probably don’t realize this but you’re asking me to break the law and/or break the laws of physics with this” reasons. The only time I think negatively of those people is the (rare!) request that is so blindingly self-absorbed that it amounts to the professional equivalent of “stop the world from turning so I can get what I want.”

    Reply ↓
  19. different seudonym*

    I agree that your mental framing does not reflect the reality! My only comment–and it’s an add-on to the original advice, not a disagreement–is that the shame people feel about self-advocacy doesn’t only come from family. It can be enforced by a whole cultural surround, as someone said above me, and/or it can be imposed by…workplaces themselves!

    Or, actually, I have a second comment…one of the reasons shame can get me, personally, so wound up is that it feels like self-control, or the effort to achieve self-control. It feels like I’m doing something! Like you trying not to cry: it seems like you’re working hard at that, pouring effort into it. But it’s just not the most useful thing to work on. Shame misdirects people from system to self. That’s why it’s repressive. That’s why it’s a tool of the system.

    Reply ↓
  20. BellaStella*

    Dear OP,
    I am a very emotional person – when upset, frustrated (relates to anger), advocating for myself, dealing with conflict etc. For me, I see a therapist monthly who helps me work on scripts on how to role play difficult situations. Also, I use yoga and grounding and also take valerian root, they all help me, plus getting enough sleep the night before is helpful. Practice these convos with a friend to get around the emotions, if you can. Also, before a convo like this, if you can go for a walk outside for 15 min to clear your head. Best of luck to you in the future!

    Reply ↓
  21. long time/first time*

    I so so feel for this letter writer and want to cosign Allison’s response. I feel like I could have ghost-written this letter for how much it hits. I’m a long-time lurker, rarely comment, but want LW to know they’re not alone in this experience, and the long-term solution Allison suggests really can help. Sending good thoughts.

    Reply ↓
  22. beepboop*

    What Alison said! I really related to what you said, OP, about how you worry about seeming unreasonable when you advocate for yourself. I see a lot of my own thought patterns in what you wrote and therapy is what has helped me a lot with re-working those patterns. I’m by no means “cured” and still definitely struggle to ask for things I need, but it’s a lot easier than it used to be. Therapy is great!

    Reply ↓
  23. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

    I’m also a frustration crier. When I don’t feel in control of a situation it can break out. Throughout growing up I was told that my emotions were wrong and ‘big girls don’t cry’ and this was back in the day when autism wasn’t a diagnosis you could get. So I learnt to mask. But for some reason frustration or injustice breaks right past all of that training.

    Here’s some things that helped me:

    1. Getting on medication that helps the mind maintain a relatively even keel and even more important the diagnosis and therapy to understand that what I’d been doing to cope wasn’t actually right for me.

    2. Improv/public speaking/stand up comedy training etc. Or alternatively prepare a speech on something you like and give that speech to someone. With practise comes comfort.

    3. Getting to be over 40 and not giving a toss about what people think anymore. Granted, this one is not one you can do training courses on.. :)

    4. Tongue on the roof of the mouth and press down hard. Breathe evenly. Can sometimes stop me.

    5. Giving myself permission to cry for a bit if I want to. The problem with all the ‘ways to stop crying when frustrated’ things was I took it a little too far and practically exploded one day when everything had bottled up. I allow myself tears, then a hot drink, but no ‘I’m so weak and useless’ talk or anything that sends into a spiral. Spirals are where the real crying jags come from.

    and 6. This one is a bit weird but – having something to switch the mind onto really helps me. I wear a fidget ring that means I can spin that round and round for a few seconds (or I fold origami stars) when I need to focus the mind back onto the situation.

    And know this – it WILL get better.

    Reply ↓
  24. dulcinea47*

    Agree with the recommendation of therapy, but also: rehearse these things out loud. Don’t just think of what you want to say, say it. Say it to yourself, to your partner, to your pet, to an empty room, over and over until you stop reacting so strongly. (and imagine what the response will be- realistically, it’s not the hostile response your brain fears.) It’ll never get easy but it does get a lot better.

    Reply ↓
  25. Perihelion*

    I think Alison’s response is great, but I want to add one more thing. I tend to have similar reactions to some types of conversations, and it isn’t really linked to a childhood thing—I had great parents, my needs were met, etc. I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that it’s a brain chemistry quirk or something. I’ve still found therapy quite helpful for making it easier! So even if that part doesn’t ring true to you, it might still be worth trying to find a therapist.

    And sympathy for the crying about hospital bills thing. I was recently dealing with an error by an insurance company that they just wouldn’t acknowledge, and although I knew the next steps to take and that it would probably fix the problem (and I was right), it was still so frustrating and demoralizing that I was in tears the moment I hung up the phone. Money is stressful, health is stressful, feeling powerless is stressful, and the combination is just awful.

    Reply ↓
  26. Diomedea Exulans*

    It’s not just the family. For example, I grew up in a very supportive family, but right from kindergarten up until university, I was constantly being told by teachers that I wouldn’t amount to anything, that I will never have a career or normal human relationships, I should just shut up and not talk because I’m weird. My classmates often walked out of the classroom when I wanted to talk to them. Basically, my needs were never met and the way I was treated in my family was drastically different from how I was treated in the outside world. I still have the issue of either not advocating for myself or being far too assertive in doing so.

    Reply ↓
  27. Saturday*

    I don’t know if this is helpful, but I was struck by how emotionally charged this language is, “I think I’m worth more than the bottom of the salary band.”

    Does if feel like your worth as a person is tied up in this? Because it’s not, and it might help to remind yourself of that.

    Reply ↓

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