I saw colleagues’ private messages mocking my weight

by Alison Green on November 19, 2024

A reader writes:

I recently hosted a Zoom call for my work team. At the end of the call, I was sent the transcript for the meeting’s group chat, as it contained important notes. I was also accidentally sent the transcript for a private chat between my coworkers “Lisa” and “Natalie.” I thought we were on good terms. But during that brief chat, Lisa told Natalie that if she ever weighed as much as I did, she’d kill herself. Natalie replied with laughing emojis.

While I’m not sensitive about my weight, this gutted me. I feel humiliated and wish I’d never seen it. I don’t think either of them realizes I saw it. I’m hesitant to contact HR because a) I dread other people seeing the transcript, b) I hate conflict and disruption, and c) I don’t want Lisa and Natalie to lose their jobs. But I don’t know how to move forward without addressing this.

I answer this question — and two others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

Other questions I’m answering there today include:

  • Should managers not set their online status to “busy”?
  • Is it unethical to start a business competing with a former employer?
You may also like:
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{ 80 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. lurking quietly*

    I’m sorry you saw those comments. Think of how you would want to see this handled if they were talking about a lovely coworker. You wouldn’t want them to get away with thinking this is ok. You are worth at least that much.

    Reply ↓
    1. Please can I sleep some more...*

      Totally agree. Lisa and Natalie felt comfortable sharing those comments during a work meeting, even if they thought it was a private chat. The comments themselves are cruel and shows a lot about their personalities. I can totally see their mean and unprofessional attitudes being directed towards other people in the office.

      Reply ↓
  2. Peanut Hamper*

    #1:

    For the hundredth time, anything you do on a work computer can definitely be seen by other people, including your IT, probably your manager, and possibly your coworkers. Proceed accordingly.

    For the millionth time, please be a decent human being. You never know what someone else is dealing with.

    Reply ↓
    1. AnonInCanada*

      This. If you want to do the modern-day equivalent of passing notes to your classmate under the desks, then do it with your own equipment and your own mobile data. Or better yet, just don’t do it at all. After all, the teacher may catch you doing it. :-P

      Reply ↓
      1. NotBatman*

        Also: even if a coworker said this in a setting that *wasn’t* recorded, I’d seriously question their character and go out of my way to avoid them. What a horrible thing to think, much less express out loud — not only is it mocking someone’s appearance, not only is it discriminatory, but it’s wishing death on a coworker and joking about suicide on top of that. The fact that Lisa put this hatefulness in writing is valuable information for her manager to have.

        Reply ↓
        1. OhNoes*

          I agree with everything you say about character, it’s gross behaviour for sure – but I’m not sure where it said they ‘wish[ed] death on a coworker’? They were being rude and childish about her appearance, but I don’t think they meant they wished her harm.

          Reply ↓
          1. not nice, don't care*

            Yeah, those comments were obvs uplifting and positive /s.
            Of course they wished her harm. That’s the point of bullying/mean-girling.

            But maybe you mean the part where one of them said they would kill themselves if they weighed what OP does.

            Reply ↓
          2. Nobby Nobbs*

            Maybe they didn’t literally wish death on a coworker, but they definitely said she was better off dead than fat. That’s nasty.

            Reply ↓
          3. ee*

            It’s not explicit, but I do think “I’d kill myself if I were like Jane” comes with at least a slight undertone of “Jane should (want to) kill herself” – the coworkers probably don’t truly think that, but I think the implication IS there and is part of why “jokes” like this are so very painful when overheard by their targets.

            Reply ↓
    2. FricketyFrack*

      I work in government, so as an additional bonus, anything we do can also be subject to an open records request. I have a newish coworker who has only ever worked in the private sector, and I had to explain to him that yes, IT can see anything you send me in Teams, and if he ever discussed something specific and we got a records request about it, the public can *also* see it. I swear, we need a class about, “Don’t say anything on work equipment that you would be embarrassed to see on the front page of the newspaper.”

      (To be clear, he wasn’t sending anything inappropriate, I just made a joke about how I’m sure IT would love something he said, and he was like, “wait what?”

      Reply ↓
      1. Kyrielle*

        Yup. Heck, even in private industry that can happen in the event that it’s part of a lawsuit. Been there, done that, handed over 1GB of emails and data files. (Those poor lawyers, having to dig through that – anything that mentioned the client, for goodness’ sake!)

        Reply ↓
      2. Observer*

        I have a newish coworker who has only ever worked in the private sector, and I had to explain to him that yes, IT can see anything you send me in Teams,

        That’s also true in private employment. In fact, sometimes private employers are even worse than government. So his surprise that *IT* could see it is a bit surprising.

        Reply ↓
        1. FricketyFrack*

          Most of his past experience really wouldn’t have involved much in the way of IT, so I wasn’t totally surprised he didn’t think about it. A lot of it was hands on, minimal tech kind of stuff before now.

          Reply ↓
    3. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      One of the reasons I’d never have wanted to be 100% remote is that some conversations I want to have f2f only, no written record, not even phone records

      Reply ↓
      1. CeeDoo*

        I do that (teacher). I’ll go to the AP or counselor and say that I need to talk to them without putting anything in writing. It’s very common. I am very aware of not putting into writing anything I wouldn’t want on the front page of the paper. (a very dated reference, I guess. Who reads newspapers these days?)

        Reply ↓
    4. Steve*

      As an added recommendation, don’t plan your affairs on work computers! My grand-grand-boss did this 15 years ago, and the consequences were most severe for him because he’d used a work computer and had asked the IT folks to delete his emails. It was a government computer and he was charged with obstruction of justice. I never understood why he didn’t use hotmail or gmail or anything else, because otherwise no one would have cared.

      Reply ↓
    6. Falling Diphthong*

      But what if I make the unprofessional comments after throwing a handful of glitter over my shoulder and shouting “By the elf on the shelf!”? Can IT still see my comments then? I feel like this is a very valid invocation of a stealth mode; probably it’s what the NSA does.

      Reply ↓
  3. ACN37*

    100% say something to HR – and management needs to make people aware of what makes it into the transcripts. If it were me, I’d personally let them know I saw it (but I am also very honest and straightforward, often to a fault). It could also be very triggering to someone less secure than the OP.

    Reply ↓
    2. Military Prof*

      I agree–there are few companies that want to have bullies working for the company, and this is, at its heart, bullying behavior, even if the two people involved never intended for the victim to see it.

      Reply ↓
    4. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      Yes, I’d have forwarded this to HR, maybe with a request that they organise some sensitivity training – I don’t know if you can train out nastiness, but at least you can train them to keep such opinions to themselves.

      re the OP’s concern that those 2 shitebags would be sacked – I wouldn’t care and anyway it is their bad conduct, not the OP’s.
      She should not feel responsible for protecting their jobs.

      Reply ↓
      1. Observer*

        re the OP’s concern that those 2 shitebags would be sacked – I wouldn’t care and anyway it is their bad conduct, not the OP’s

        Agreed. The OP is right to not looking to get them fired. But they don’t need worry about it otherwise.

        Also, I would be surprised if they did get fired. If they do that would be an indicator that there is a lot more going on, which would *certainly*not on the OP.

        Reply ↓
  4. Peanut Hamper*

    For #2, my boss does this a lot, but I can also see his schedule in Outlook, so if he’s not available and I have a dire question, I will check to see if he’s just authorizing time cards (which doesn’t require much brain power in our case; he’s just blocked off time to do it) or is working on a technical report (which does require a lot of brain power) and proceed accordingly. Sometimes I’ll even preface a message with “I don’t need an answer right away….” so he knows it’s not urgent.

    Reply ↓
  6. HiddenT*

    The first one reminds me of the time I accidentally saw the IT guy’s chats to a coworker likening me to Rebel Wilson because I had singing training and was fat. It was not meant in a complimentary way.

    You’d think an IT guy would know better, but to be fair that entire company was super toxic.

    Reply ↓
    1. Manders*

      To be fair, one of our IT guys was fired for being caught in a multi-stall bathroom at work enjoying some, um, “videos” ON A WORK LAPTOP!!!!!

      Reply ↓
  7. Ellis Bell*

    OP1, if they’re talking about you, they’re definitely talking about other people. This isn’t about you, as much as they’ve tried to make it so. The fact that they’re also doing it on easily viewed technology speaks to their basic inability to function around others in a modern workplace. If it helps, try to depersonalise it as flagging up a serious lack of judgement that probably goes outside of this (very poor)
    example of their standards. As to your concerns: a) You don’t necessarily have to show the transcript; try “Lisa and Natalie made some pointed and insulting comments about my appearance that needs addressing with them. I have a transcript, but unless they deny saying anything I would rather not have anyone see it. That’s how bad it is.” b) As for conflict and disruption, just address that part too “I’d like an apology/it not to be mentioned again (or whatever outcome you want to see). I expect there to be no retaliation obviously, and I would like things to be cordial going forward”. and c) I don’t think this would be a fireable offense alone, but for their own sake in this, or future jobs, and that of people who work with them, I would send up a flare that this kind of behaviour is Not Okay.

    Reply ↓
    1. dulcinea47*

      there will 100% be retaliation tho. Lisa and Natalie won’t be pretend-nice to LW’s face anymore. If you’re childish enough to insult someone like that you’re definitely childish enough to be petty when you get caught.

      Reply ↓
      1. Ellis Bell*

        Sure, that instruction would not be for the childish ones, but for the manager or HR to put them on notice about behaviour required to keep their jobs. Unlike OP, I think these two do need to get fired; not because of one incident, but because they’re unlikely to behave better. But I would offer the chance for them to do better. Either way, it’s not for OP to handle personally unless they want to.

        Reply ↓
    2. Tess McGill*

      OP, I’m so sorry that this happened. It sucks that they’re not the people you thought they were.

      I agree with Ellis Bell’s advice above.

      Reply ↓
  8. Typity*

    Poor OP — I hope she decided to address it, if only so those twits could be duly mortified.

    Anecdote alert: Along with a partner, I used to lead the singing at one service in my church. I thought I was on pretty good terms with the organist, but when he went on vacation, he left a note for the fill-in with detailed instructions in which I was referred to as “the fat woman” throughout. “The fat woman will signal to start the offertory song” and so forth. He left this on the organ for the fill-in — and anyone else who wandered up there — to find.

    I thought it was funny, but it obviously could have been devastating for someone more sensitive.

    Reply ↓
    1. Roy G. Biv*

      Yikes. And that was because he had no idea of your name? Or he was just a rude idiot? Imagine the fill-in organist asking the choir, “Hi everyone, now who is this ‘fat woman’ he keeps mentioning?” vs. “Hello all – I’m looking for Typity.”

      Yikes again.

      Reply ↓
      1. Typity*

        Just a rude idiot — we’d been working together for a couple of years by then. He could so easily have said “the gray-haired one” or “the one on the left” if he was so averse to using my name!

        Reply ↓
      2. Silver Robin*

        I was thinking the same! Name or, lacking that, position (choir lead or whatever) would have fulfilled the same requirements. Comments on physical appearance are so beyond unnecessary.

        Reply ↓
    2. Goldenrod*

      WOW, Typity, how massively stupid of that guy! I’m glad you had the self-esteem to laugh at it, he is clearly an idiot, so that was the correct response.

      Reply ↓
      1. Typity*

        It was a little startling. He wasn’t usually a jerk — or at least had the sense to keep his jerkness to himself!

        Reply ↓
  9. Lilo*

    HR needs to handle that. You can’t expect an employee to be able to personally deal with that extreme level of cruelty.

    FWIW that is absolutely a fireable offense.

    Reply ↓
  10. Frosty*

    Letter #2 – people are often unavailable because they are in meetings or because they need to get something done. With the rise of messaging systems during COVID, we can just message or email a boss and they can respond when they can. I will “teams” my boss asking a question like this all the time: “When you’re around can I talk to you for 10 minutes about the Fergus file?”

    If the job has emergent issues that arise frequently (mine does) there should be someone designated as the primary contact, with a list of descending next-in-line. If XYZ happens and we need to know what the response is: if Boss #1 is busy, where is Boss #2, #3, etc.?

    Sometimes Boss #3 doesn’t know the answer, but they feel more empowered to interrupt Boss #1 than a worker does.

    My boss will also say “I’m closing my door but I’m here if people need”. Maybe your boss could clarify different “levels” of unavailability – a range between “I’m working but available for urgent needs” and “do not disturb for any reason short of an office fire”.

    It feels very normal to me that managers and bosses are blocking off time.

    Reply ↓
    1. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      Ideally the boss would realise the issue and inform his team that if ever they need him they should send an EM request and he’ll get back to them at his next free moment.

      Reply ↓
  11. Jane Bingley*

    There are situations where it’s reasonable to attribute a mean comment to a moment of thoughtlessness. This is so far beyond that it’s hard to wrap my head around – it’s both deeply, deeply cruel to both LW and incredibly flippant about suicide. I know it sucks to have to face, but in LW’s shoes I would definitely report and they should face real repercussions for their cruelty, including apologies and/or getting fired.

    Reply ↓
    1. CeeDoo*

      One of my coworkers once accidentally sent a text about me to me. It wasn’t cruel in any way, but I’ve never forgotten it. (It said “CeeDoo keeps moving my cheese!”)

      Reply ↓
    2. Ellis Bell*

      I don’t think Alison’s description of “emotionally stunted” can really be improved upon. It’s where the Venn diagram of thoughtless people and cruel people overlap. They probably don’t even think of it as referencing suicide; all they care about is using hyperbole to put someone else down so they can feel somewhat superior. All they care about is they’ve found another thoughtless/cruel person who will not challenge them, but will let them continue to be this unexamined and shallow. They don’t have either empathy or common sense.

      Reply ↓
  13. Apex Mountain*

    You’re very considerate to not want them to lose their jobs, but frankly they don’t deserve your kindness. I would think this is HR or at least manager material, but of course that depends on your perception of their competence

    Reply ↓
  14. IT Relationship Manager*

    I have had a similar interaction where someone said to me “I had a dream I weighed 300 pounds and I was so scared. If I actually weighed that, I’d kill myself.”

    It’s just really hard to hear when you are a fat person and that others would rather not live at all than live how many people have to. It’s not about being sensitive about your weight. I would hope that thin people would find this inappropriate to say as well. Imagine if someone said, “if I ever lost the use of my legs, I’d kill myself” about a paraplegic. It’s rude and a huge reflection on that person’s character.

    I wouldn’t ignore the whole situation and I liked Allison’s answer to loop in the supervisors.

    Reply ↓
    1. Goldenrod*

      Why are people so awful??? What a crappy thing to say. You would think people would know better by now, but our society is so fat phobic, it becomes normal to say horribly offensive things like this.

      Reply ↓
    2. Elsewise*

      >Imagine if someone said, “if I ever lost the use of my legs, I’d kill myself” about a paraplegic.

      Not to derail, but people absolutely do say that to disabled people all the time! Several of my friends in wheelchairs keep a tally of how many complete strangers say, completely unprompted, that they’d rather die than be in a wheelchair or be disabled in general, and the frequency is honestly shocking to me as a not visibly disabled person. (Another friend with a disabled child had a fellow parent tell her, in front of both children, that she’d rather her own kid die than have the support needs hers did.)

      Reply ↓
      1. Judge Judy and Executioner*

        I didn’t see your comment before I submitted mine due to lack of refresh, but you are right. People say this to people with disabilities ALL THE TIME. It’s never appropriate and always unkind.

        Reply ↓
    3. Judge Judy and Executioner*

      People are mean. Someone straight up told me “If I couldn’t use my hands I would kill myself” when I was undergoing serious issues and surgery affecting the use of my own hands. Many people have no filter, and whether it’s about weight or disability, say super unkind and thoughtless things. I really wish people just stopped saying “If I had _____ I would kill myself” because there are zero times it’s appropriate. I agree that the person needs to report the comment, if they say that in a chat what else are they saying?

      Reply ↓
  16. Amelia*

    Ooh, I wish there was an update for this. I’d love to know if OP confronted Lisa and Natalie and how they responded.

    Reply ↓
  18. CommanderBanana*

    Your coworkers are horrible.

    Also, this is a reminder that everything and anything you put on Zooms, Teams, Slack, whatever, can be discovered.

    Reply ↓
    1. Goldenrod*

      Yes, THIS. If I were their supervisor, I wouldn’t fire them, but I WOULD embarrass the heck out of them, and apologies would definitely be a part of it. I’d probably make them go to a few trainings too.

      Reply ↓
      1. Cookie Monster*

        Nooo, don’t make them apologize. Forced apologies are not good for all involved. Even if they could somehow genuinely apologize, the LW said she doesn’t like disruption or conflict. The supervisor should take their cues from her.

        Reply ↓
    2. Elsewise*

      I really like Alison’s suggestion of forwarding them the messages and cc’ing their managers. I know LW doesn’t want the messages shared, and I get that, but if I were in her shoes (and as a fat woman, I’ve gotten comments like this before, though thankfully never at work), I think it would be worth it.

      Reply ↓
  21. Tradd*

    My manager will be unavailable on Teams daily, but it’s usually because he’s in a Teams meeting.I just send him a message I need to talk and he gets back with me (he’s primarily in another office an hour away).

    Reply ↓
  22. Cinnamon Stick*

    Wow. Talk about things that shouldn’t have happened. I have to wonder who else their little clique is talking about when they think nobody hears.

    Nastiness like this needs to be addressed, I hope it was. I get wanting to avoid conflict, but this is not acceptable behavior in an adult in the workplace. Or anywhere really.

    Reply ↓
    1. Observer*

      I have to wonder who else their little clique is talking about when they think nobody hears.

      Yes. And that’s why it would be a good idea to cc their boss(es) when the LW sends them the message. Management should realize that there is a fair bit of nastiness under the surface, and they need to deal with it.

      Reply ↓
  25. Lizbrarian*

    This is why you should download GroupMe or WhatsApp for extraneous non-work conversations. Not that what you discussed is EVER ok. Having a GroupMe for my closest work friends has definitely been a useful pressure valve during a poorly handled reorg.

    Reply ↓
  26. SunnyShine*

    #1 There’s already conflict in the workplace caused by them. You didn’t start anything, they did. As a manager, I would be mortified to hear this happened and no one reported it.

    Please bring it up to HR. Sometimes admitting how embarrassed you feel can help. People often feel similar to you.

    Reply ↓
  27. AstridInfinitum*

    At our first big company Zoom meeting after we got sent home for COVID, one of my friends direct messaged me something very snarky about the information being presented. I texted her, “Hey, just so you know, the transcript of the meeting will include direct chats.” So we did damage control in Zoom to walk back the snark and continued it through texting. What a time.

    Reply ↓
  28. RosesHaveThorns*

    I am so sorry that the LW for #1 had to deal with this kind of bullying. People who write things like that are terrible and need to be dealt with.

    Back when we all went remote during the early, bad days of COVID, I was a VP. Everyone was still learning how Teams worked, and a group of three rather scummy and misogynist “bros” accidentally put some really nasty comments about one of my reports (a very nice, but insecure young woman, about her looks, weight, calling her a pig, etc.) in a public chat channel (they meant it for a private one) and a dozen people on a call, including my report, saw this. She was in tears.

    We reported it to HR, but they did nothing except ask the “bros” to apologize and not do it again.

    So, since VPs actually had some power there, I made their lives hell with the explicit intention of making them quit, or getting them fired. For example, one of them was doing a finance presentation to a group of several fairly senior folks (several directors and managers), and I totally destroyed him. Called him out for a typo (“A child knows how that word is spelled”), for poor presentation skills (“You really need to come to these presentations better prepared. This is terrible work. You should be embarrassed.”, “This is garbage. What do you do all day?”), etc.

    One complained to his (female) boss who, when I reminded her of what he had said to my report, basically told him to “grow up and stop whining”. HR was as useless to him as they were to my report who he savagely bullied. One of the others, I removed from several important projects, and put him on a garbage project and put a bunch of unrealistic and unobtainable objectives as part of the project, then totally destroyed him in front of his boss when he didn’t meet them.

    I was successful in getting two of them to quit, one after I managed to get him on a PIP. One sent a hilariously angry email to me and our CFO on his way out the door about how poorly he was treated.

    If you can’t get a bully fired, make their life hell.

    Reply ↓
  29. Seashell*

    The original letter was from April 2020. If there’s any justice in the world, Natalie & Lisa got fired or at least laid off due to the pandemic, and LW is doing just fine.

    Reply ↓
  30. HonorBox*

    Regarding letter #2 – Unless a manager is setting the status to busy all the time, I think it is perfectly normal and even more, totally acceptable to do so. I’ve actually been having this conversation with a close friend whose workplace is one where people grab time on others’ calendars. My friend has people drop in to their office as well, as their job requires some of that. That has led to many days when they feel like their priorities are less important because everyone else “deserves” their time… either because my friend feels that way or more often because other employees feel that they deserve their time. And then they work late or have to take work home with them. So I’ve suggested many times that THEY get to determine who and what gets priority by blocking time on their calendar. That doesn’t mean that they’re unapproachable, but rather they’re doing their job and determining whether major project gets priority or minor problem takes priority.

    Reply ↓
  31. GrooveBat*

    I get that OP #1 might not want to initiate any sort of confrontation, particularly because it is such a sensitive subject. If they can’t bring themselves to report Lisa and Natalie, they could always just send out a general “reminder” to everyone that personal chats are visible to meeting organizers. At least that would make them squirm a bit.

    Reply ↓
  32. StressedButOkay*

    As a director, the only way I can get stuff done on a regular basis is by blocking off time! My team knows that I have time blocked off every day in the AM and PM for X time and I will put a message up on Teams if I need to put my head down and concentrate for more than that. They also know that I will check pings when I can and those general time blocks can be shifted if something comes up.

    But I can’t let my calendar appear super open or else every second would be a meeting – which means I’m actually less available to them. And also still not getting work done.

    Reply ↓
  33. Blue Pen*

    I hate this, and I feel so sad for the LW to have seen those comments—and for anyone who has experienced something similar. It just sucks to be reminded of how cruel people can be sometimes.

    Reply ↓
  34. BigBird*

    I think I might have posted this story before but it is relevant, although it was not in a work setting. My son’s friend group in elementary school included “Matt” and “Lewis”. Lewis’ mom was a psychologist. Lewis and Matt had an argument and somehow Matt’s mom got involved. The boys worked it out but Lewis’ mom sent the associated emails to a fellow psychologist looking for his professional opinion on Matt’s mother’s childrearing philosophy. Unfortunately she somehow included Matt’s mom in the email. Hilarity did not ensue. Technology is dangerous.

    Reply ↓

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