my Gen X coworker is trying to “grandma” the Zoomers and it’s getting weird

by Alison Green on November 6, 2024

A reader writes:

I am writing about a new coworker who has no concept of boundaries.

“Hannah” is in her mid-40’s and is pretty advanced in her career (in a technical position that starts at $100K a year). She sees herself as a “grandma figure” to the Gen Z coworkers in our small office. I’ve noticed that some of these employees are patterning after her behavior and I’m concerned that it’s going to lead to damaging office norms.

Examples include encouraging the engaged women in the office to rethink their weddings — she’s going through an acrimonious divorce — and demanding all early-career coworkers exchange personal phone numbers with her so that “they can text her if they need anything, day or night.” She makes elaborate birthday gifts, demands that the women eat more because she feels they’re too thin, and frequently refers to these employees as her kids or grandkids.

Some of these colleagues have shared in conversation that her overly familiar behavior makes them uncomfortable, but that they don’t want to hurt her feelings by not playing along. Others have started way oversharing because they hear her doing the same and assume it’s normal to discuss very personal situations with casual coworkers.

Her behavior is extra strange to me because she is, at most, 20 years older than these colleagues and nowhere near what most would consider to be the age of a typical grandmother.

Hannah hasn’t done any of this to me since I’m slightly closer to her in age (31) and in a higher level role. I don’t know how to help these early-career employees set boundaries without causing a blowup since it’s clear that this woman would take any attempt at distance as a personal slight. Do I need to mind my own business? If not, how should I navigate this?

It is indeed intriguing and surprising that Hannah landed on “office grandmother” rather than the more typical (and still problematic) “office mom” and I wish we knew more about why.

As for what to do about her …  I don’t think it’s yours to solve and you shouldn’t put that burden on yourself. It would be different if you were her boss or the manager of some of the people she’s being inappropriately parental (grandparental?) to, but assuming you’re not, your role is probably mostly uncomfortable bystander for this one.

However, you don’t need to censor yourself, and you’re allowed to have natural reactions to things she says. For example, if you hear her telling someone to eat more because they’re too thin, you could say, “We shouldn’t comment on people’s diets or bodies at work. It’s not our business.” If you hear her encouraging someone to call off their wedding (!), feel free to say, “Whoa, I’m sure Jane doesn’t need relationship advice from colleagues.” If she’s pushy about demanding people turn over their personal phone numbers to her, you can say, “No one needs to share that if they’d rather not.”

And if coworkers share with you that Hannah is making them uncomfortable, encourage them to push back with her and to maintain their own boundaries; assure them that Hannah is the one acting weird and they’re not weird for disliking it. You can also encourage them to talk to their managers about Hannah’s overstepping if you think it rises to that level.

Sometimes just modeling “no, this isn’t normal; yes, you’re right to think it’s strange” — as well as letting people see someone push back with her in the moment — is enough of a counterweight to keep people grounded in more sensible norms.

But beyond that, you don’t have much control over the situation, and you don’t need to take responsibility for fixing it.

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{ 170 comments }

{ 170 comments… read them below }

  1. WantonSeedStitch*

    Wow. As a woman in my mid-40s in a leadership position, I can’t imagine acting that way towards younger women in my workplace. Mentorship is one thing. When I meet someone new in the office, especially if they’re early in their career, I always tell them, “I’ve been here forever, so if you have any questions about how things work here, even if it’s not my specific area, feel free to reach out. I’m happy to help.” But FFS, Hannah, leave people alone on their personal lives unless they are, for some reason, actively asking you for advice.

    1. 1-800-BrownCow*

      Also mid-40s, leadership position, I’m also in a technical position. I would never parent or grandparent (YIKES!) my younger coworkers like that. Hannah definitely needs to back off.

    2. CubeFarmer*

      Late 40s, leadership position here, too. I find it my responsibility to treat my younger colleagues as equals (especially women colleagues,) unless I’m in a position to advocate for them, which is also my responsibility to do. My focus is on making sure they remember to aim higher.

    3. The Prettiest Curse*

      Yeah, as a Gen X woman with a responsible (not really leadership) role, I’d never do any of this stuff either.
      WTF, Hannah? Please, get a hobby other than interfering in your colleagues’ love lives.

    4. T.N.H*

      This is so bizarre that I have to wonder what’s going on in her personal life to cause the behavior. Is it bad that I hope we get a drama-filled update with all the details next month?

        1. RC*

          Armchair psychologizing: divorce plus either a new grandbaby (actual baby) or her friends are all having new grandbabies and she covets the role. but as always, there are loads of big brother/sister/CASA avenues she could pursue instead of inappropriate work relationships (and anyway with how overbearing she sounds I kind of don’t want to inflict that behavior on anyone else even just socially).

          1. Jules the 3rd*

            “Loss of restraint” is a very common symptom of a mid-life crisis, as is divorce. As someone who
            – has always been the ‘mom’ of the social group
            – is going through a career / job change and trying to figure out my position in the work group,
            – is four years into perimenopause,
            – is three years into recognizing my own mid-life reckoning,

            I recognize Hannah and her impulses. I have had to sit on mine, firmly. Fortunately, I’ve read AAM for a while now, and my husband is working to grow with me. I can see how that additional stress of a divorce might tip even a reasonable person into unprofessional behavior.

            Good luck, LW, and good luck Hannah… I would love to know if she settles down in 6 – 12 mo.

            1. Lisa Simpson*

              I was also thinking menopause crazy, my MIL did this around that age.

              I’ve made my husband swear to force me to go to a doctor if I ever go menopause crazy because seeing that scared the crap out of me.

        2. Meep*

          I don’t want to put my own personal experience with the office “Hannah” on Letter Writer, but that only explains the telling women not to get married. (Mine was fighting with her boyfriend for the millionth time and insisted I break up with my now-husband once*)

          The lack of boundaries in general that she feels comfortable parallelizing her life onto others is the problem.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      I suspect there is a direct line to the acrimonious divorce, and the conviction that she doesn’t That Person for emotional support and community, she’ll make her own at work.

      Work has a higher standard of “I am a normal person not irritated by you” as a professional norm from the young office people (see yesterday’s letter about the pettily feuding employees) and so it can be harder to notice that people don’t like the new you.

    6. learnedthehardway*

      Seriously!! I have had the “OMG they’re BABIES” reaction to some of my clients’ junior staff, but I keep that entirely to myself. If they ask for advice, I will provide it, but I don’t volunteer or comment on how young they are!

      1. Scholarly Publisher*

        I now have coworkers who are younger than my oldest child, and my reaction to that is to treat them as the adults that they are. I am happy to be their professional mentor; I have no interest in being their office parent or grandparent.

        1. LurkersRUs*

          I still vividly remember the meeting where I realized that my interns were the same age as my daughter. That was a tough day.

          I’m in my late 50’s (old GenXer) but in my head I’m still about 35, so I still run into this cognitive dissonance with new, younger co-workers. Which is probably a good thing because I’m less likely to try to treat them like my kids.

      2. Amy*

        I remember my mid-40s maanger telling me ‘omg you’re just a baby’ at my first office job at 19. Now I’m mid-40s. IDK what to think about it lol.

    7. TooTiredToThink*

      Also in my mid-40s. This was exactly how the 40+ year old women I worked with acted 20-25 years ago when I first started out and I’m absolutely determined not to follow in their footsteps.

      1. Reality.Bites*

        I don’t find the behaviour as odd as her choosing to think of herself as a work grandmother to adults! I mean, the behaviour isn’t cool – but it’s something lots of us have seen before. Word Grandma is new to me.

    9. Tippy*

      LOL, I’m 48 and had a woman who was a few years younger than me try to do this (I think it had more to do with the fact that I’m childless and she was not). That was a hard effing no.

    10. LCH*

      as someone who oversees university student workers and interns (therefore people 20 years younger than me), the most i would describe myself in family terms would be like an older cousin figure. friendly, but not close. but, really, keep it professional! don’t act like any sort of family at all! so they learn now how a workplace and workplace relationships should be (not a family).

    12. NotAnotherManager!*

      Hard same – I cannot imagine wanting to do this, much less having the emotional energy to do so. I enjoy helping people with their work-related questions, but I truly have zero interest in being terribly involved in the personal lives – like, I’ll briefly ask after your kids, pets, hobbies, if you’ve shared them, but I’m not taking on any more advisory sort of role.

      I also find it weird that someone in their mid-40s sees herself as a grandma. I’m the same age, and most people we know’s kids are in middle or high school, a few in college. None are close to having children of their own. The GenZers definitely seem younger to me, but they’re not that young.

      1. Freya*

        I have known someone who was a grandmother in their early 30s, but they were very much the exception amongst my experience!

        1. allathian*

          Yes, that requires two generations of teenage parents, surely unusual these days.

          I’m 52, and I have coworkers in their late 20s and early 30s who could easily be my kids. Their age doesn’t affect how I treat them in the least.

      2. 1-800-BrownCow*

        I’m mid-40s and have several friends/family/acquaintances from HS that have grandchildren already. I did grow up in a low income area and teen pregnancy was high in my HS, so that’s some of the reason. I actually have a cousin who’s 49 and a great-grandma already!!! She became a mom at 19. Her daughter had a baby at 13 (!) and that daughter also had a baby at 13(!). Meanwhile, I have 2 teenagers and a almost tween, I can’t even imagine even being a grandparent yet.

      3. JustaTech*

        I’m just 40 and my child is still a toddler!
        I had one coworker who was a young grandmother but she sure didn’t act like any stereotypical “grandma”! If you just saw her in the hall or lab you wouldn’t have even thought she had any kids.

        One of the nice things about being in working life with mostly people who are a few years out of school is that I *don’t* have to “mom” my peers like I did in high school and college.

      4. Michelle*

        I’m 43 and I’m a grandmother. It’s young, but not crazy young. My daughter and I were both adults when we had our babies (19 and 24).

    13. Sleeve McQueen*

      I often say that it is enough a work mothering my actual kids and working full time, I don’t need to be mothering anybody else, especially grown adults

  2. agrees with alison*

    she’s a busybody. At least she’s not offering to ‘read your future and tell you how many kids they will have’, saying you should dump your boyfriend for a coworker in front of that coworker, and questioning whether your boyfriend is man enough to provide for you. All conversations she started while I was trying to work. I politely declined her on the first two and chewed her out on the third one. She stopped after that. But i also quit soon afterwards lol

    2. Priscilla Tells It Like It Is*

      I deal with busy bodies by over sharing. Honey if you really want me to I’ll tell you about my divorce and the STDs
      that my lying cheating boy friend (duck Frank!!!) gave to me.

  3. CubeFarmer*

    Agree with Alisosn. I think LW needs to avoid playing mom to Hannah’s grandmother and not put themselves in the middle of this. Let the employees who are being (grand)parented push back.

    Maybe LW could ask her colleagues afterwards, “Hey, did you think it was weird that Hannah is telling you to call off your wedding?” and then maybe say, “Well, that’s not normal colleague behavior–it’s definitely okay to tell Hannah to MYOB.”

    This way, LW is providing guidance about workplace norms, while not jumping in to handle the situation for her younger colleagues.

    1. Matthew*

      I have a theory that at least half of all letters to advice columns could be answered with a simple, “mind your own business,” and I appreciate that Alison seems to generally agree. LW isn’t wrong to be weirded out and concerned, but sometimes, the strange behavior of others is simply none of your business.

      1. MassMatt*

        And a good portion of the rest can be answered by “use your words, tell them not to ________, or that you prefer chocolate to vanilla” or whatever. But each latter has its nuances.

      2. Reality.Bites*

        The other half can be answered with, “No, there are no magic words to make someone do something they absolutely don’t want to do and be happy about it, so be direct.” (Thinking more of personal problems, not workplace, where there are often clear rules)

    2. Not on board*

      Agree – although alternatively the LW could go to HR and say these comments about people’s bodies and calling off weddings is making them uncomfortable. It WOULD make me uncomfortable to witness this – although, to be fair, I’m not one to shy away from calling people out (I try to be tactful when doing it at work) so I would have already said something indicating this is NOT OK.

    3. Pam Adams*

      Some of my coworkers have little kids- I might act as an auntie to the kids, but not the parents.

  4. ThatGirl*

    I am 43 and have occasionally joked with my younger coworkers that I have “aunt” energy, but it would never ever occur to me to call myself an office grandma, wtf. That’s strange.

    1. Peanut Hamper*

      If you are the cool aunt who always has gum in her purse that she is willing to share, I’m down with that.

      3. metadata minion*

        Oh man, I first read that as “who always has a gun in her purse” and that is definitely one variant of the “cool aunt” archetype, but maybe not one to bring out at work! lol

    2. iglwif*

      I will say, one time a young woman visiting my workplace at a former job chose me to ask for help with period supplies, and I was deeply honoured that my vibe apparently said “person who will cheerfully help me out of a potentially embarrassing situation.” That’s the kind of auntie I strive to be in the world — not the kind who’s all up in your business but the kind you can count on to help without judging or laughing at you.

      1. Allegra*

        YES, this is the vibe I strive to have at work. I let it be known I have menstrual supplies, band-aids, and a spare umbrella in my desk, but that is the extent to which I will push help on my coworkers!

      2. restingbutchface*

        Wow, I would treasure that interaction forever. I aspire to be that person. That’s solid evidence that you’re presenting the right vibe.

        I did have someone call and ask for bail money… at that time it was an accurate vibe check but I’m happy to say I have grown since then.

    3. MassMatt*

      I’m thinking the only real difference between the weird and gendered boundary violation of office “mothering” and office “grandmothering” is the quantity of baked goods.

    4. Hermione Danger*

      Hell, I’m in my late 50’s and I would never think to do that either. SUCH an inappropriate choice on her part.

        1. I Have RBF*

          I’m 63, and while I might enjoy playing “wise old sage who has been around the block”, office (grand)parenting is not something I ever want to do.

  5. Colorado Winters*

    I’m in my late 40’s, AND I’m a grandma, and it never has/would never occur to me to comment on all of those things as if I’m some sort of authority. I guess Hannah doesn’t realize that “that kind” of mother/grandmother is usually the one who ends up wondering why their kids/grandkids have gone low contact.

    1. T.N.H*

      I also presume your grandkids are Gen Alpha, not in their 20s, which would be incredibly difficult to pull off.

      1. Silver Robin*

        yeah…trying to math that out. Say Hannah is 49, to be most generous but still 40s, then both she and her daughter had to be solidly 14/15 when they had their respective children for those grandchildren to be a minimum of 20 years old right now. That is obviously possible and does happen, but it is relatively rare.

        1. Jam on Toast*

          Let’s not shame Hannah for a hypothetical teenage pregnancy. I’m forty-six, my oldest is 21. I could absolutely be a grandparent before I’m fifty, and both my son and I would have become parents in our mid-twenties.

          1. amoeba*

            Well – yes, but those coworkers are Gen Z, so around at least 20 themselves! So you can add another 20 years to your calculation… your hypothetical grandchildren would be that age when you’re 70. It’s not like she’s exhibiting grandmotherly vibes towards actual babies! (That would be slightly more normal, I’d say…)

    2. RussianInTexas*

      I am step grandma to 3 kids ages 1-5, and the call me Grandma *** and it burns. I would never voluntarily called myself that, I am only mid-40s myself!
      (yes, my partner is 9 years older than me and was fairly young when he had his daughter, and she had her first at 22)

      1. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

        Friend of mine married a guy 13 years older than her who married his first wife really young and had kids young. And then his kids had kids young. She was amused to be a grandmother in her 30s. Now she’s about to be a great-grandmother because the eldest grandkid is pregnant.

        Meanwhile, I’m still weirded out by the thought that if I had kids, they would have long since graduated college.

        1. pandop*

          I work at a University, not only do I have clothes that are older than our current undergrads, but that clothing is branded with my Alma Mater …

          I try not to think about it too often

  6. RunShaker*

    this is freaking me out and I’m Gen X and a little older than “Hannah.” Why oh why do you want to make yourself look older especially with age discrimination could be a possibility (or higher likely hood) as we age. I do not act like this at all, work or personal life. I’ve pushed back on coworkers that use stereotypes about Millennials and Gen Z.

    1. Ellis Bell*

      I am mid forties, and when I saw “Gen X” paired with “grandmother”, I thought “How far back does Gen X even go?” It didn’t occur to me that someone in their forties would try to be a twenty-something’s grandparent; it would still be bad coming from someone more age-appropriate but there’s something particularly patronising for the young colleagues about being treated to the wisdom of someone who’s probably younger than their parents. I completely agree with you that Hannah is almost committing age discrimination against herself by making it seem like this is her only way of being relevant. However the absurdity of the situation probably makes it easier to call it out without having to overstate things: “Oh Hannah, you aren’t old enough to be Jane’s grandparent! She’s not six!” OP also seems to have a position of relative respect where she can easily go “Eh, nah” at each wisdom bullet without too much pushback from Hannah. So speaking up with a counterpoint like: “On the other hand, my friend Sally had a backyard wedding/two year engagement/married at 25… and she’s very happy.” or “Don’t think you have to do that, New Person, Hannah is just offering (phone number swaps and cookies) to be friendly; you can totally say no if you want to”.

      1. Helewise*

        Yeah, I’m in that general age group and am still a little weirded out that my entry-level employees are really close in age to my kids – never mind grandchildren!

      2. LaurCha*

        Statistically the Baby Boom ended in 1964, so you’re oldest GenXer would be 59 this year and thereby *technically* old enough to have an early 20s grandchild…. but really, probably not. Hannah is just being weird, it’s not a GenX thing. If anything, as noted above, we’re more likely to be okay with being the cool auntie.

      3. Grenelda Thurber*

        Apparently, the oldest Gen Xers were born in 1965, making the oldest plenty old enough to be grandparents.

      5. Random Bystander*

        Gen X would go back to those born in ’65 (I’m ’66, myself) , not that I really think the generations are all that useful–they cover way too much territory and make weird divisions–like technically my dad (’44) wasn’t the same generation as my mother (’46)? Or that my own children are not all in the same generation (’93, ’98, ’01).

        1. Polaris*

          Waving from the tail end of Gen-X.

          Sure, I have friends my age who ARE grandparents, and yeah, we’re in our mid-forties. But the grandchildren (if they exist) are LITTLE.

          My friends and relatives who ARE Gen-X who have grandkids in the workforce? They’re typically still not adults in most cases. (Like if you’re born in 1965, have your own children in 1985 or so, and then then had children themselves around 2005 or so…they’re still not 20)

    3. Gaia Madre*

      I’m Gen X, too. I mind my business and do good work, and yet I have no idea how Nirvana became Classic Rock. Where has the time gone?

      1. 1-800-BrownCow*

        Nothing like hearing the music my mom banned me from listening to back in the 90s now playing in the grocery store or doctor’s office.

  7. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

    I work with student workers. Students who are 18 and 19 and away from home for the first time and I STILL wouldn’t office mom/grandmom them.

    1. MsM*

      Yeah, sometimes I feel like the hardest part of my job is figuring out how much to guide the interns versus letting them figure stuff out on their own, and I pretty much always end up erring on the side of independence.

    2. Paint N Drip*

      a lot of young workers actually DO need some parental-adjacent guidance… and AGREED it isn’t coming from me

    3. Pescadero*

      Yep…

      I work, at my alma mater, with college kids that are mostly the same age to younger than my own children (19 and 22)… and that is just – weird.

  8. The Kulprit*

    Oof. She’s one of the worst kinds of busy bodies — the one who does it because they “care about you”. That can be so hard to push back against, especially when you’re early in your career.

    I think Allison’s suggestion of naming how she is violating professional norms is a good one. “we shouldn’t do that at work, it is unprofessional” expresses that her intent (which she *will* argue about) doesn’t matter. It models for those watching how to express themselves at work and marks Hannah’s behavior as out of the norm.

    1. Myrin*

      Especially galling since she is “a new coworker”. OP doesn’t say how new but this does remind me of the letter about the employee trying to stage a coup on her second day. Maybe try and feel out the relationships and behaviours in this office first before establishing dominance in such a terrible way?

  9. Tech Industry Refugee*

    It is definitely an issue if people are expressing discomfort. She does sound lonely and it makes me feel bad for her.

  10. Melissa*

    I’m 41 and I almost had a heart attack reading that she describes herself as the office grandmother.

    1. Frieda*

      I’m almost 50 and I had the same response. I could be a grandmother (although I’m not) but not to people old enough to work in an office. It seems like such an odd place to land for your faux-family work identity.

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        I am over 50, and just Nope.

        I have no desire to parent my coworkers, let alone grandparent them.

    2. N C Kiddle*

      I’m 46 and still regularly freaking out that my actual child that I raised is now a voting adult. I can’t imagine trying to play grandparent to adults!

    3. restingbutchface*

      I’m a year older and someone I went to school with just posted that their grandchild was starting secondary school (6th grade for the Americans).

      I had to lie down in a dark room for about an hour. Then I remembered that while having a 12 year old grandchild at 42 was standard for where I grew up, it is not the case generally.

  11. Ess Ess*

    I do think you would be helping your coworkers by having a casual conversation with her boss to let the boss know what dynamics you are seeing in the office, especially with controlling women’s eating habits and what I would consider harassment about marital status by pushing them to call off weddings. Mentioning this to their boss would give them a heads-up that this inapproriate behavior is being noticed by others in the office.

    1. Peanut Hamper*

      I agree. If boss doesn’t see this or is too busy to see this, they need to be aware of it and put a stop to it, especially because it’s making other people uncomfortable and it’s making other people going outside the office norms.

      I’ve seen too many times how it only takes one person to throw off an entire office if their inappropriate behavior isn’t dealt with effectively.

  12. Lacey*

    So I would never be this person anyway, bc I’m never getting involved in my coworkers’ personal business. But… what? This person is probably only 2-3 years older than me and most of my friends are not grandmas.

    The vast majority have oldest children still in grade school.

    1. Lisa*

      I’m approximately the age of this coworker and most of my friends have kids in college, so she’s definitely technically old enough to be a grandma. NOT old enough to be a grandma to the younger coworkers though!!!

    2. I've Escaped Cubicle Land*

      I’m slightly older her and my oldest grand kid is still in elementary school. And I and my child were both fairly young parents by today’s standards. (22 and 21) Still not old enough to be grandparenting people in the work force.

    3. Pescadero*

      You may be a little skewed in your assessment –

      The average American first child is currently 24 years old for women.
      The average age of becoming a first-time grandparent is currently 50 years old.

      So your average woman “in their 40’s” with a kid has a oldest child between 16 and 25 years old.

    4. metadata minion*

      Having kids in your early 20s isn’t that unusual, and if your kids then do the same you’ll be a grandparent in your 40s. A grandparent to an infant, mind, not someone old enough to be working, but 40-something grandparents are pretty common.

  13. Which Sister*

    I am Gen X. older than Hannah and it ticks me off her grandma behavior is being tied to Gen X.

    seriously, I don’t think this is a generational thing. I think this is a Hannah has boundary issues thing.

    I am sure OP does not want to be modeling the reverse behavior and create this opposite dynamic so I think modeling professional behavior, acting in a professional mentor like role is a good approach.

    1. Myrin*

      “Gen X” is only used in the headline, not the letter itself, which are usually written by Alison – in this case, it’s probably simply meant as a shorthand descriptor and for better juxtaposition with “zoomers” and could’ve been replaced by “mid-40s” or “middle aged”.

    2. Geriatric Millennial*

      I don’t think the LW is saying she’s acting this way because she’s Gen X. I think she’s pointing out that it’s odd for a young Gen Xer to be positioning herself as a “grandma” figure.

      2. Leaving academia*

        I was also confused by this comment, but I think it’s actually about the title. The letter writer definitely included age information to emphasize the weirdness of choosing grandmother, but that’s not clear before reading the letter. The oldest of GenX are about to turn 60, and gen Z could be 18 or 22 (or even 16), so the “and she’s barely even old enough to be their mothers!” aspect is lost in the title.

        1. amoeba*

          I mean, even in that most extreme case possible, “gradmother” would still be pushing it pretty hard.

    3. Annie2*

      I don’t think the letter writer or Alison intended imply that Hannah’s behaviour is tied to her generation, if that helps – ‘Gen X’ doesn’t even appear in the letter, and I think Gen X is used in the headline just to succinctly communicate the general age gap between Hannah and the new coworkers.

    4. Hlao-roo*

      The letter-writer doesn’t say that Hannah is Gen X in the letter, just that Hannah is “mid-40s.”

      FWIW, I read the letter the same way as Geriatric Millennial–Hannah is behaving in a weird way and it’s extra weird because she’s only ~20 years older from the people she’s trying to “grandmother.” I don’t read that Hannah is “grandmothering” her younger coworkers because she’s Gen X.

    6. fhqwhgads*

      The behavior isn’t being tied to gen-x. The point is the person doing the behavior is being extra weird because she’s so dang young to be assuming an affectation of “grandma”. It’s saying she is that age, not that anything she did is because of that age.

  14. RS*

    “she’s going through an acrimonious divorce”

    Sounds to me like the zeal of a convert – now that she knows first-hand that Not All Marriages Last, she wants to share that insight far and wide, ideally to affirm her experience with her marriage not lasting.

    1. Meep*

      I have a single aunt who is like this. She was only married for about six months, years before any of the grandkids were born or her own brothers were married. The story goes, she met “Jack” at her job and married him after a year of dating in a quick wedding to upset my grandma around the time her brothers were getting engaged. (My dad and elder uncle to their HS sweethearts, my youngest uncle to his college girlfriend – all still together.) They never had any kids and haven’t seen hide nor tail of each other in 35+ years.

      When I was born 7 years later, she decided to latch onto me (the eldest grandchild) in some weird reverse baby duck where she decided she was “my mom” (yes, my mom is alive and well). It was weird growing up to be called “her” child, but I didn’t realize how unhealthy the obsession was until she threw an absolute fit when she realized my husband and I was going to last and tried to convince me break up with him when I was 20 one Thanksgiving.

      Spent probably all of 5 minutes with him up to this point. Convinced it wouldn’t work solely based on the fact I am “like her”. Insisted I break up with him, because he wasn’t “dynamic enough” for me. (Still no idea what that is supposed to mean 9 years on if someone wants to explain it to me.)

      Watching her be fake polite to him like she liked him all along is mildly funny for the both of us now, but looking back, it is so weird to see her hold onto a brief relationship not working out nearly 30 years ago at the time.

      I, at least, get in Hannah’s case it is fresh.

  15. a trans person*

    Wait, what? I’m forty and that means I’m Gen Y, or “Millennial” as the kids like to say these days. If I were four years older, I’d be in my mid forties and still a Millennial.

    1. Geriatric Millennial*

      Millennials were born 1981-1996, Gen X 1965-1980. Alternatively, the “Xennial” bridge generation encompasses older Millennials and younger Gen X, roughly 1977-1983.

        1. Myrin*

          It’s not – if you were, like you said, 44 right now, you were either born in 1980 (if birthday before 6 November) or 1979 (if birthday after 6 November), neither of which, at least as per Geriatric Millenial’s numbers, fall into the “Millenial” bracket.
          Nevermind that Hannah might be older than 44 anyway and that it’s also really not the point of the letter, especially since the generational name only ever appears in the headline!

    2. xylocopa*

      1979/1980 is the divide I’ve usually seen given for Gen X vs Millennial. I’m 45, tail end of Gen X.

      …and I’m definitely not trying to grandmother the interns in my office.

    3. Not on board*

      Actually came here for this. Technically the last Gen X people were born in 1980, making the youngest of them 44 years old. And the “xennials” are the crossovers born late 70s and early 80s that could lean either way and/or have “traits” from both groups (although I find the xennial group could be as wide as born ’75 to ’85).
      This woman is closer to Gen Y and labelling herself a grandmother? This seems insane. Also, while I’m not ashamed of my late 40s age, I’m not trying to make people think of me as old enough to be a grandmother. If you just take out the grandma/generational aspect of it, she’s just inappropriate.

  16. iglwif*

    As a Gen X woman (early 50s) with a lot of much younger colleagues: EWWWW.

    I have sometimes found myself giving advice based on life experience (ONLY WHEN SOMEONE ASKS ME) and reassuring younger colleagues that, e.g., oh gosh I did something way more clueless than [thing they are overthinking] when I was new to office work and it sucked but was survivable. I do have more years of life and in the workplace than they do and I am old enough to be their mom … but I have never ever ever called myself someone’s work mom (let alone work grandma, wtaf) and I don’t go around commenting on people’s bodies or what they’re eating (!!), interfering with their relationships (!?), or any of the stuff OP describes.

    If Hannah is a work grandma, she’s a really toxic work grandma. Some of this stuff I would want to shut down immediately even if it were my real grandma doing it!!

    1. Rogelio de la Vega*

      It sounds like your advice was still well within the appropriate work/professional boundaries.

  17. H.Regalis*

    It’s not wrong to want to help people, but Hannah needs to channel that into where it’s wanted; for example, volunteering. I doubt she’d be thrilled to be told that though.

    I agree with Alison: OP, this isn’t your responsibility to fix; but feel free to respond honestly and say when you think stuff is weird and uncomfortable. Ironically, speaking up for yourself will be modeling good behavior for your younger coworkers XD

  18. DeathRidesAPaleVolvo*

    As someone older than Hannah, who is solidly GenX and who works with lots of GenZ folks…my role is to introduce my coworkers to truly hilarious/bizarre/strange music videos from the 80s and reminisce fondly about Jolt Cola.

    That’s it.

    “Nemesis” by Shriekback, anyone?

    1. Jules the 3rd*

      PARTHENOGENESIS!

      “Every Day is Halloween” by Ministry?

      I personally am looking to my GenZ coworkers for anime recommendations, I’ve been out of the loop on those for a bit. And slang. I love telling my GenZ son what slang I’ve heard today.

      1. noncomitally anonymous*

        Will raise you “I Didn’t Mean to Turn You On” by Cherelle, which the breakdancing guy wearing a gorilla suit. The cover by Robert Palmer is also good.

        I advise a bunch of 18-20 year-old college students, and as early-GenX, they are technically within the range of being my potential grandchildren, if my child and I had both had kinds quite early. (I actually don’t have children, so this is all speaking theoretically.) I’m still very careful to maintain appropriate boundaries and professionalism.

    4. Elder GenX Geek*

      IMHO my role is to explain old tech references in our oldest installation manuals to marketing so they can write specs for next-gen product. No matter the generations of the marketing managers themselves.

  19. Person from the Resume*

    I think the LW should direct anyone who has admitted to her that they are uncomfortable about it to this webpage and website. Not to everyone, but just those who confided in her.

    In addition to this letter, there are other similar letters on setting boundaries with people leaping across them.

    And also anytime you see her doing it, certainly act like it’s super odd thing to do or say.

  20. chiffonades*

    If these younger colleagues are working in an office for the first time, they are not going to necessarily know that Hannah’s actions are not “normal” office behavior. I think it’s important to let them know that this is a Hannah thing and not a normal office thing. Make sure they know you don’t think this is normal behavior and they may feel more comfortable pushing back or seeking additional help with your support.

  21. A Cat named Brian*

    Um. I don’t think that’s a GenX trait. We are pretty independent and most are not going to mother and def not grandmother our GenZ coworkers. Cut it out Hannah.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I was going to say, we’re more likely to ignore them and hope to be ignored. But whatever.

    2. Paint N Drip*

      No generation is monolith. Hannah seems to be her own brand of ‘oh… okay’ regardless of age

    3. amoeba*

      Yeah, that’s the point – the fact that she’s only Gen X (and late Gen X at that) is what makes it extra weird. Nobody is saying that’s a typical Gen X thing.

      Not that it would be typical or appropriate for somebody who’s in their 60s or 70s, but at least I’d understand where the idea could come from – especially if the person actually had grandchildren the same age as their coworkers.

  22. Workerbee*

    “It is indeed intriguing and surprising that Hannah landed on “office grandmother” rather than the more typical (and still problematic) “office mom” and I wish we knew more about why.”

    From my corner of the world with certain Gen X friends, I’ve been hearing that they thought they were old since they turned 30. Now they’re almost 50. I have no idea what they’re saying now (“I’m so come-back-from-the-dead”?) because I’ve very much limited my encounters with them. I’m also Gen X, and I’ll decide, if ever, when I’m “old.”

    1. foofoo*

      I’m 49, don’t shy away from discussing it, but don’t look it, yet I have a small number of people in a group I socialize with calling me “grandma”. Part of it is because I’m probably the oldest (or second oldest) person in the group, and also because most of them are 15 years younger than me at least.

      It annoys me but not enough to escalate shutting it down. I inwardly roll my eyes and chalk it up as a “ha ha you think it’s funny” thing. It’s even more hilarious since I don’t have kids (ergo cannot have grandkids) and I tend to do things people a lot younger than me do. I think most of it does happen though because I make references to things from the 80s and 90s, especially as how they related to me as a young adult in their 20s, whereas a lot of these people are “hey, that was cool in 1996 when I was in grade school!”

    2. Jules the 3rd*

      I’m a few years over 50, and “I’m old as dirt” and “Were you around for steam engines?” are regular jokes with my teen child. It’s just a number.

      Because I feel the same urge Hannah is expressing, I suspect some of the reason she picked Grandma is the kind of roles those are – Moms order people around, while Grandmoms are supportive. Hannah is being inappropriately supportive (“Don’t make the mistakes I made!”), but at least she doesn’t seem to be trying to assign them work or force them to do some social thing.

      1. Worldwalker*

        Note: You are around for steam engines. Yes, are. There are still steam engines in service. The famous Big Boy 4014 was recently equipped with PTC (they built a compartment in the tender!) and hence is legal for the main lines. Check YouTube for a great video of it rescuing a diesel. And I rode behind a Mikado, 4501, on an excursion train last year.

        1. Freya*

          There’s a small number of them that do special event runs with “The Picnic Train” in New South Wales – the next one is a day trip from Sydney to Newcastle/Maitland for lunch and then back, on 16th November. The first class car gets high tea on the way and afternoon tea on the way back!

        2. amoeba*

          There’s also quite a few steamer boats still around! Very popular with tourists, obviously. But I think in the Stockholm archipelago, for instance, they are also just used by the regular commuters (they service the same lines as the more modern ships).

    3. kicking-k*

      I’m young Gen-X and there definitely was a “30 is old” vibe around when we actually WERE 30. But I don’t feel that way at 45. Indeed I rather lean away from the “older and wiser colleague” thing if anyone tries to put me in that role, because any advice I could offer about how I approached my life/career when I was the same age as younger colleagues is hardly likely to apply; their lives are so different.

  23. Rogelio de la Vega*

    I also know that the US gymnastics team took to calling Simone Biles the team “grandma” because she was so much older than the rest of them. Which is funny b/c she’s only a few years older but still older in the context of gymnastics. Maybe that was the vibe she was going for? But still, it’s icky for her to be the one trying to be the office grandma. Nobody wants that.

    1. amoeba*

      Yeah, somehow that makes more sense in my head than this though… not sure why, but a friend in a group who’s the “grandma” because she’s, like, 5 years older doesn’t seem so weird to me. Probably because it’s so obviously a joke that you don’t go “wait… what?” once you start doing the math! Or because of the general context – it’s different to say “oh haha, I’m the grandma here” than “I cour be *your* grandma”.

  24. ChattyDelle*

    as an older (50+) women in my office, I made a POINT of not being the ‘office mom’. No baking goodies, no gossiping with co workers, no intrusive personal questions. I had a coworker approx 10 yrs younger than me that did do that and then was hurt/upset when the younger employees would not include her in their chatter. You’re not their friend! Of course they want to spend time with people their own age!
    it’s just so so wrong and frankly I think it negatively affects an older woman’s reputation & career in her office

  25. Jules the 3rd*

    oh, I feel this one. I just started a new job and my coworkers come in a range of ages, from fresh graduates thirty years younger to ‘about my age’. I worried this was about me for a minute, but I am not ‘splaining things or pushing people about their weddings or pregnancies or new pets.

    I do notice the urge to ‘mom’ the ones who are under 25, they’re only a few years older than my actual kid and ‘Group Mom’ has long been my social role, but thanks to AAM, I know not to undermine them professionally like this. I did give one person general info about what happens when you’ve been rear-ended, but that was from ‘what I wish I’d known the first time I got rear-ended’ and he seemed ok with it. Not public, just a quiet email, and I’ve been scrupulous about treating him the same as the rest otherwise.

    It’s a way to establish a role and position in the group. Grandma is better than Mom because there’s less authority grabbed – Gma does advice, Moms do orders – so at least be grateful for that. The choosing of Gma instead of Mom makes me think she’ll probably calm down once her work supports her relationships, and once the divorce is over; be gentle.

    This is very much a common mid-life stage for women, and ‘lessening of personal restraint’ is one of the things that happens as we figure out what life after ‘husband and kids’ looks like.

    1. Ceanothus*

      I also did an assessment of my own behavior after reading this letter! I tend to be very protective of significantly younger coworkers, especially in my previous (somewhat toxic) work environment. I *think* I’m OK, but it was nice to be reminded what reasonable boundaries are.

  26. magpie*

    love that there is at least one other office out there where a woman is telling her coworkers not to get married because of her own divorce (several women in our office got married this summer and it got real awkward when our coworker would go on and on about how getting married is the worst thing anyone could ever do and how awful it is when the rest of us were asking about their weddings lol)

    1. H.Regalis*

      Grief does strange things to people. I’ve met more than a few people who were going through a divorce and would bring up stuff like, “When we went on our first date, my ex did [something totally innocuous] and I should have see right then how horrible they were!”

      What your coworker did was not cool though. It’s not okay to spew your angry and sadness over other people like a firehose.

  27. Despachito*

    “Mother” (and “grandmother” potentially even more) in a work environment has so many negative connotations.
    For me, it would mean “you’re not one of us” “you are not cool” “your role is to help us and to be responsible for us”, “we are the ones to conquer the world, you are here to cook our meals and put band-aid on our broken knees”.

    Why on Earth would anyone want to be that?

    1. fhqwhgads*

      I suspect she’s trying to frame herself as some sort matriarch. Like Emily Gilmore. Or the abuela in Encanto. In other words, grandma runs things.
      Unfortunately for Hannah you don’t get to just call yourself that and make it true. And also, weird weird weird angle in a workplace.

  28. Per My Last Email*

    Oof. I’m 40 now, but I had a mid-40s manager like this when I was 25. At the time, I didn’t realize how inappropriate it was that she overshared with me about her marital problems and got me big personalized birthday gifts. I thought it was normal (and even nice!) to be getting that much attention. Now that I’m older, I can see how it negatively affected me and the team members who worked with us. I don’t know if I would have been able to hear someone’s advice if they told me not to be so close to her but I wish someone had modeled the boundaries better for me at that age.

    1. H.Regalis*

      I had something similar to this, the part about having a totally different perspective on the same situation from one point in time to another.

      I was in my early 20s and worked with people ranging from 18-50s. There was one woman in her 40s who was a mess. She was a semi-functional alcoholic and was constantly late to work because she was hungover or else got so drunk at after-work happy hours that someone had to babysit her. Outside of her drinking, she could also just be really catty, mean, and self-centered. Some of the older people had worked with her for years and were utterly done with her shit.

      At the time, I thought they were such jerks for being so cold and unfeeling towards her. Now, years later, having dealt with a number of addicts and a variety of jerks, I understand why they acted the way they did and I think they were right.

  29. Angie S.*

    I recently introduced a former coworker to join my employer, only for her (in her 40s, too, I believe) to display behaviour similar to Hannah’s after she started. She is no longer with the us… and I think her office Mom/Grandma behaviour distracted her from doing the real job. It was sad to see.
    LW – unless Hannah’s behaviour affects her performance, I agree that there is not much you can do.

  30. DramaQ*

    Ick. I am 41 and sometimes I will joke with much younger co-workers that they are “babies” but that is in jest to things like them not picking up a culture reference I made. I would NEVER be Hannah at work or even at home with my own kids!

    I can be “lab mom” at times but that translates into I’ve usually been around awhile so I know things and I know people. I tend to be the type that people find very easy to work with and comfortable coming to with mistakes or questions. I am totally fine with that because to me that is what a good collaborative relationship should look like. In turn they help me out and I have people who can bend over to pick things up without groaning or throwing their back out. lol

    Hannah has no boundaries. She has zero place trying to talk people out of getting married or demanding their phone numbers. I am the type that probably would mention it to my boss if I’m under the same umbrella as Hannah because I don’t mind being the one who speaks up especially if people are coming to me telling me Hannah is making them uncomfortable. I certainly encourage people to speak up themselves but not everyone is confident enough to.

    So I would probably say “Hey IDK if you are aware but Hannah is demanding people’s personal phone numbers and trying to talk them out of getting married. It is starting to make things uncomfortable for not only those people directly but the people who have to listen to Hannah and it’s distracting when trying to work. Is there any way you could talk to her about it?”

    Of course, this totally depends on your relationship with said managers and hierarchy. My last boss I would totally do that and have done that for a coworker when a person we were working with cussed her out to the point she cried. She didn’t want to say anything. I did. My manager handled it like a pro.

    My current manager? Not so much. I’d be more inclined to speak to those who are talking to me and encourage them to tell Hannah to knock it off. Being professional and courteous in the workplace does not extend to giving Hannah your phone number and encourage them to go to their boss if she doesn’t stop after being told no.

  31. RedinSC*

    One of my coworkers just came back to the office saying someone told her she should rethink the whole marriage thing. She’s getting married in 2 days.

    OMG, people! STOP, maybe it didn’t work out for that specific person, but telling someone that the week of her wedding is NOT HELPFUL!

  32. Coffeebreak*

    I’m 41 and working with much younger women and I can’t even imagine this behavior. If anything, I try not to act like a mom or grandma!!! Grandma behavior in you forties is wild.

  33. Light Spinner*

    I’m a 74 year old woman whose colleagues range in age from 20 to close to 90; it would never occur to ANY of us seniors to treat our younger colleagues as if they were anything but the adults they are! We don’t WANT “workplace grandchildren” – we want competant, professional co-workers who can shoulder their share of the work, especially when it’s “all hands on deck” time (it can get frenzied here during certain seasons!) and that’s what we have.

    Hannah is totally out of line, and I don’t believe for one minute that her younger colleagues appreciate her unsolicited advice. She may think of herself as a wise, kindly mentor; those younger colleagues are more likely to see her as a nosy nuisance.

  34. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

    Okay, I might joke that I’m wearing clothing that’s older than some of my staff and I can remember a time before the internet and where girls were forbidden from wearing trousers at school but that’s it.

    Making comments about other peoples love lives, bodies, food etc. is really unacceptable but as we have seen sadly not rare. On the upside, as I’ve noticed of my (adult, sigh) niblings, the newer generations tend to be a lot more aware of what is actually wrong and speak out about it.

    I’m all here for them. Sooner or later this ‘office grandma’ (yuck, just be the weird childless aunt, it’s worked for me) will encounter the woke employee who tells them to wind their neck in.

  35. Never the Twain*

    If it had been 31 October, #2’s office would definitely have turned out to be originally two stories high, and at that time a worker went out on the roof in a thunderstorm and was killed by a lightning bolt. Seems the obvious explanation to me.

  36. Never the Twain*

    Oh, F*S. I’ve replied to a single one rather than a ‘list of five’ one, haven’t I? In which case, the above makes absolutely no sense and I can’t delete it. Sorry, I’ll go away.

    1. metadata minion*

      By telling them to? I mean, it’s obviously inappropriate, but people make inappropriate comments about food and weight *all the time*.

  38. Letter writer*

    LW here – after some reflection, I think Hannah may be trying the “I’m a grandma” thing because she has hugely deficient computer skills and refuses to learn them “at her age” (again, 44!). Putting herself in a grandparent type role helps her manipulate younger coworkers into a grandchild tech-support role that just so happens to get her out of tedious paperwork.

    Also, thanks to the commenters pointing out that I didn’t mention her generation. My emphasis on her age was mainly to point out that any grandchildren she might have would likely be five or under, making it VERY weird for her to pull this with young people who are older than her college-aged children.

    As far as how she demands thin employees eat more: she brings in very high calorie foods like lasagna and cake, makes them a plate and “won’t take no for an answer”, and then packs them leftovers. She did this to me once but stopped when I just flatly said “I don’t want that” and walked away – I’m way more assertive than the women she typically does this to. I think it is another way for her to take on a caretaker persona that is, again, deeply weird.

    1. Freya*

      … My dad is nearly 80, and while his computer skills aren’t the best, he does do his best to learn when it’s something he wants to do. Like, up until Covid, he staunchly refused to use his mobile phone, and then he found out that our government put out an app that would make contact tracing easier, and he decided that was worth carrying one around for, even with the security risks involved. So he learned how to use it, and started carrying it everywhere, and now my parents no longer have a landline.

      1. Letter writer*

        For sure! My mom is in her 60’s and is fantastic with computers and general tech stuff. I really think this woman is attempting to cast herself as older than she is to lean into generational stereotypes, which hurts all involved.

  39. Letter Writer*

    Also, maybe venting, but she is currently cornering any of the young people she can find asking them to comfort her because “she’s anxious and shaky” due to what is a fairly normal workload for our industry. This comes directly after she followed her direct manager around with an apple going “you have to EAT SOMETHING”. I am going with “this is not my business” even though it is hard to watch.

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