open thread – November 15, 2024

by Alison Green on November 15, 2024

It’s the Friday open thread!

The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on any work-related questions that you want to talk about (that includes school). If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to take your questions to other readers.

* If you submitted a question to me recently, please do not repost it here, as it may be in my queue to answer.

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{ 451 comments }

{ 451 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Grogu's Mom*

    Does anyone have experience with court transcript proofreading? I’m considering starting it as a side gig (maybe 8-10 hours/week?) for supplementary income while keeping my full-time job for the next 1.5 years, with the eventual goal of quitting my day job and working about 20-30 hours/week once my kid is in Kindergarten. I know I’d make significantly less (I make ~$70k at my current full-time job), but the idea is that we wouldn’t need to pay for before/aftercare/full-time summer camps so it’d be somewhat offset. I’m craving a career change that will give me more flexible hours and the ability to work from home, and I’ve always had a freakish talent for spotting typos and extremely detail-oriented jobs. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

    Reply ↓
      1. Grogu's Mom*

        Yes, I do better under those circumstances. I tend to struggle more when I have a long time to do a big ambiguous project, and thrive when I have a short time to complete a very concrete task.

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    2. JFC*

      It provides great flexibility and is perfect for WFH. I’m not doing it anymore at the moment, but I miss it! My biggest tip is that each review will take you longer than you think. Add 30-45 minutes to whatever you’re estimating for each review. It’s natural to get faster as you hone your skills, but it does take a lot of focus. Also, check to see if the court system will provide any guide or glossary with names of defendants, attorneys, victims, witnesses, locations, etc. Some do this and some don’t, and for ones that don’t, you’ll spend a LOT of extra time researching those, especially in early stages.

      It’s fun and interesting, though! Good luck!

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    3. MaggieSea*

      I am a paralegal who has done this in the past. You will need to be familiar with both legal and medical terms. Turn around times can be short, so make sure that you will be able to work in rush jobs. And (this should go without saying) check the going proofreading rates in your area. This is a valuable service. Don’t undersell your product.

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      1. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

        I had a friend (an editor by day) who did this on the weekends. The main thing I remember is that one of the court reporters was notoriously prone to not include the word “not” into the transcripts, which added to the complexity of the process.

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    4. ONFM*

      I have a friend who tried it out and didn’t last three months. It took a lot longer to complete documents than she thought it would (like twice as long) and she was getting paid by the job so the hourly rate, when she calculated it for her (not what was advertised), was not sustainable.

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  2. Unsure*

    For those who are looking for a new job right now, did the US election results last week change your job search efforts?

    I work in a digital marketing team in-house (specifically paid search/ppc) at a company I don’t like. The leadership team is spineless, sexist and sneaky and I don’t trust them. I’ve been applying to jobs the past 2 months with no interviews. Initially I wanted to see how the election would go, but when Kamala got the nom, I felt it was safe and certain enough to look for a new job. Now I’m not sure. The industry of the company is pretty stable, but the leadership team has no idea what they are doing, especially with marketing. But, I work remotely and have a decent salary.

    I’m still going to continue applying for jobs, but do you think companies are going to slow hiring right now and over the next year? Are you putting your job search plans on hold? On the flip side, do you see your company hiring over the next year or having to do hiring freezes?

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    1. Busy Middle Manager*

      I was going to ask the same thing but was afraid it would be too political. But I am also curious, because I want to know where the jobs are and I’m still trying to figure out what is true or not online – reddit is very confusing right now. It’s known for being extremely left leaning, but on Wednesday – now I saw quite a few “the market is picking up I got two interviews this week” posts and TBH they seem fake, because when I look at postings, all I see now is delivery drivers and front desk at medical office. And my area encompasses a few million people, so that’s an absolutely horrid job market

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      1. goofball*

        I wouldn’t put too much stock in reddit for the reasons you mentioned; no deterrents for lying and heavily biased (I say this as a super-left leaning person myself)

        Continue to check the LinkedIn boards and niche boards in your industry (i.e. if you’re in tech, check out Wellfound, BuiltIn)

        It’s going to vary so much by industry, job title, your own years of experience. Hard to make a blanket statement on how the overall job market is, with specific regards to the effect the election may have hadt, right now.

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    2. dulcinea47*

      a lot of us in education & libraries are wondering how/if we are going to have jobs at all. However we’re actually doing a ton of hiring this year, which will necessarily mean we do less next year.

      I think if you’re in a stable industry there’s no reason to stop applying for jobs you’re interested in.

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    3. Anon for this 1*

      I’m in a niche industry and we’ve already seen fallout from our international customers canceling agreements that have been in place for years and stopping discussions planned improvements so it will impact our hiring plans for next year forward.

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      1. Meep*

        Not surprising. Not to get political (though it is hard when you are dealing with this level of crazy next year), but Musk is an excellent hiring manager. Any time he gets involved in the actual business/metrics side of any of his businesses, things literally blow up. If I was a large international company, I too would avoid working within the US and the stupid meme department that is to come.

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    4. Banker of the Food Variety*

      I work in the food banking world, and we’re battening down the hatches. The assumption is that the incoming admin is going to significantly cut federal support for nonprofits like us, while simultaneously cutting SNAP benefits. (Republicans already got some fairly large cuts through Congress last year with the Farm Bill, and are likely to do it again.) I’m a fundraiser, so cuts are unlikely to impact me directly, but my work is going to be getting a lot harder because I’m going to have to be making up for a LOT of money at a time when we know the need is going to get a lot higher.

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    5. I Can't Even*

      I think that job seeking is going to impacted everywhere but the area you work in will depend on how much. As we have zero idea how government funding and the economy will be impacted it is hard to tell. I see news about businesses having to cancel Christmas bonuses as they prepare for high tariffs. I have no idea how large the impact will be but common sense tells me that some businesses/areas will be unstable.

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      1. Tradd*

        I’m a customs broker so the tariff thing is all day, every day. We have NO idea what the increases will be. I suspect China will get hit with something, but other countries? For the last time he was in office, it was a year in before the China tariffs went into effect back then. So there are just so many variables and we know nothing until Jan 20th at the earliest.

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    6. ampersand*

      My husband is looking for a job after an unexpected layoff, and the recruiters he’s talked to this week have said that job postings have increased since last week. He’s in engineering/tech, for reference.

      I don’t know that it’s entirely caused by the election results; however, I do know that various tech stocks are doing even better than before since last week. I was a bit worried about him looking for a job now since everything feels wonky at the moment, but it does seem that now isn’t a *bad* time to look for tech jobs specifically. I imagine there are all sorts of other industries that have been thrown into chaos after last week though.

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    7. Keeley Jone, The Independent Woman*

      A friend of mine works for the VA. Apparently her boss just put in their notice. She was wondering if she should like elsewhere. But I doubt it’s because she’s worried her job will be cut, I’m certain she voted for the incoming administration. She just doesn’t want a new boss she won’t like. Part of me wants to tell her what’s coming, part of me is like “this is what you voted for”.

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      1. Feral Humanist*

        I was coming here to say that I suspect there may be an influx of federal workers looking to the private sector, because some agencies are about to become awful places to work. So now might be a better time to look than six months from now.

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    8. Keladry of Mindelan*

      I’m in an odd position in that I just started a new job (last week) and am also searching. My current/new position is a grant funded, limited term position ending in March. Every position I’ve had in my career has been grant funded, primarily through DoJ, and my current position is no exception. I’m at a university doing work that is a specific requirement from the Dept of Education in a position that is funded by the Dept of Justice.

      So yeah. The election results have massively changed my search in that I truly have no idea if the work that I have done, am doing, and love to do will exist a year from now.

      If I’m being honest, I have NO IDEA what I’m looking for anymore. I’d do what I’m doing now for the rest of my life if that was an option (and it could be; who really knows?). And really, anything that I’m qualified for based on the last decade plus of my career may very well be disappearing over the next several years.

      Mostly, I’m glad that you asked because it’s something that I’ve been thinking about a LOT but haven’t been able to discuss just because it’s such a minor issue in the grand scheme of things and it feels awfully selfish and yucky to be worried about my career when others are worried about their lives. Anyway.

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    9. Blue Pen*

      I work for a large private university, so I think (guess? hope?) we’ll be “OK,” but who knows. At the very least, I would be surprised if there wasn’t a hiring freeze at some point over the next four years.

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    10. quetzal*

      I’ve been considering looking for a new job for a while, but I’m in a situation where I can be picky. I work in a supporting role for a lot of NIH supported researchers right now. I’m currently thinking maybe I should look for a role with less NIH support involved…

      Reply ↓
  3. Square*

    I’ve been dealing with a lot of workplace stupidity these last few months. 

    Most recently, we had a newish employee Bob who sent multiple threatening emails and voicemails to his manager. It started off with a benign question. But when Bob’s manager didn’t respond to this Friday 6pm email, he took it personally. Between Friday night and Saturday morning he sent a dozen emails demanding an immediate response or he would sue. 

    The tone of his emails was so aggressive that we had security outside the meeting room during the firing. He was escorted out with security too. He seemed genuinely bewildered, as though we fired him for eating all the office snacks. 

    His wife phoned me later that day, saying he was distressed we chose to do this over a “mistake”. She asked me to reconsider because he doesn’t know what he’s doing when he’s upset. She told him not to send any more emails after Saturday morning and he didn’t, which showed he was mature and considerate. He complained that security escort was embarrassing and unnecessary because of course he wasn’t going to do anything. He later emailed me to say he was deeply saddened but was going to be the bigger man and forgive me.

    I can’t stop thinking about this. It boggles my mind he – and his wife – seem oblivious to how totally justified and self inflicted the firing was. 

    Since penal colony isn’t an option, can someone help explain the psychology of the stupid so I can process why people behave and think in such bizarre ways? 

    Reply ↓
      1. Sharon*

        Yeah, it’s definitely a red flag when somebody else (spouse, parent, roommate) starts trying to intervene in your work relationships. Either that third party is overstepping and needs to be told to back off or the employee doesn’t have the skills to succeed in the job or both.

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    2. Rusty Shackelford*

      I’m always amused at “he doesn’t know what he’s doing” or “she just can’t help being that way” as an excuse for bad behavior, especially when it’s used to explain why you should continue to welcome the person into your life. Yes, a man who “doesn’t know what he’s doing when he’s upset” is definitely someone I want to employ.

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      1. Caramel & Cheddar*

        But also: he knows enough when to stop! So it’s not just “I have anger management issues and can’t control myself” or whatever, since he clearly can at some point.

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      2. Tio*

        Right? You’re basically saying “You can expect repeats of this behavior in the future.” Like… why would we sign up for this?

        Psychologically speaking, not a psych person obviously, but a lot of people seem to think that asking people to ignore a behavior is the same as the behavior not happening. They equate it like pressing mute on a tv when it’s too loud; no serious consequences happened, you weren’t ACTALLY (read: physically) hurt, so what is the big deal? This usually falls in with the “you’re too sensitive/can’t take a joke” type.

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      3. learnedthehardway*

        Like that’s some kind of reason for keeping the person on, right?!??!

        Sorry, but that just makes the person even LESS appealing.

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    3. Charlotte Lucas*

      I think this crossed the line from stupidity to delusion, and I would let HR know about his follow-up behavior. (It gives stalker vibes to me, honestly.)

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      1. pally*

        Please do this! If there’s a security dept let them know as well to keep an eye out should he show up.

        This ex-employee was “newish”. The emails threatening to sue for a simple nonreply is baffling – to say the least. And no one knows his character enough to be sure he won’t show up again – in some fashion. The last thing you want is someone saying, “Gee, I didn’t know that guy was a bit unhinged. I would have taken measures if I had known” after he tries to harm someone.

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        2. Ama*

          I used to work in a support position with academics who could be very high maintenance and would sometimes panic if they had a question and you didn’t respond right away (I worked normal office hours; academics didn’t always consider that I wasn’t going to respond to an email sent on Saturday until Monday morning).

          However, even the most panicky of them (people who would send multiple emails over the weekend and sometimes even try calling my office phone multiple times) NEVER flipped into any language that could be considered threatening to me. No threats to sue (WTF), not even any strong language.

          Even when compared to people who don’t have good boundaries, Bob is WAY out of bounds.

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    4. Don't You Call Me Lady*

      I don’t know if it’s stupidity.. It sounds like Bob has serious issues – hopefully he uses this as a wakeup call and gets some help

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    5. Analytical Tree Hugger*

      Have you heard of internet-invented meme/idea, “Main Character ‘Syndrome'”? This sound like a case of that (the former employee) with someone who enables him (the wife).

      To be clear, it’s not a real diagnosis, just an internet-created thing. The idea is that se people see themselves as the center of the universe and everything (and everyone) is background or support to their lives, as well as being on their side (unless they’re a villain).

      Reply ↓
      1. dulcinea47*

        Is this just a funny way to say “narcissism”? that kind of demanding an instant answer isn’t really a key component of narcissism, I don’t think, but that’s what it sounds like from the name.

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        1. A Significant Tree*

          I think the jokey “Main Character Syndrome” is more generally about ego-centrism, just being oblivious that you’re not the star of everyone else’s story. My teenager definitely has this going on, but I wouldn’t call it narcissism, exactly (unless the main character is a villain?).

          This guy? Definitely glad to hear he was called to account and fired over totally inappropriate behavior. It’s unfortunate that he and his wife don’t understand that it’s not enough that he was able to stop his weirdly demanding and aggressive behavior and he supposedly felt bad after the fact. The issue is that a) his initial reaction was WAY over the top and b) someone had to tell him to stop.

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        2. Bunch Harmon*

          I don’t think it’s narcissism – at least not always. I’ve know a couple of narcissists, but the people I would say have “main character syndrome” are more oblivious. I have a colleague will talk your ear off about the minutea of her children’s halloween costumes, but never asks about my kid. She triggered an investigation because of something she had done quite innocently. This is not uncommon for our industry. When I was in a similar experience, I was annoyed but otherwise glad the system worked. This colleague was devastated that by the investigation, and complained on and on about “how could people think she would do something so bad.”

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        3. Meep*

          Its more “Narcissism Lite” or “Selfish Extra Large”. A lot of people can experience symptoms of narcissism without actually having NPD (studies show that NPD and other personality disorders are not hereditary, but might actually be due to long-term exposure and rewiring of the brain from being around others with that PD). I know I had to snap myself out of a lot of narcissistic behavior after being exposed to it non-stop five years.

          Basically, the idea is you are self-centered enough to think everyone else around you is a Non-Player Character (NPC) that is only present when you need them. And it has become more prevalent with social media culture and the fact we are slowly dehumanizing other humans by interacting without seeing their face. That gets transferred over into “real-life” in the way you see here. Him not understanding why he is not getting an instant reply to something he sent out into the ether.

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    6. RetailIsDetail*

      How disturbing! I’m wondering if this might be an abusive situation. Domestic violence tends to spike after big changes or major life events like losing a job. If his wife is concerned about her safety now that he’s at home 24/7 — and if he blows up at her and escalates IRL the way he did over email, I wouldn’t be surprised if she was terrified! — that might explain her call. Of course you’ll have a better sense of this couple based on speaking with them, but I’ve been volunteering at a Domestic Violence Resource Center and behavior of entitled abusers seems very familiar.

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      1. Archi-detect*

        yeah that is a fair assesment but I don’t know if they could do anything about it- a welfare check or replying to them would probably be a bad idea, but it is definitely a concern

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    7. Seashell*

      I don’t think it’s stupidity. If Bob needs his wife to tell him to stop threatening his manager with lawsuits over one unanswered email, he’s probably not mentally stable.

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    8. Falling Diphthong*

      The underlying reasoning for his wife is that she would like Bob to hold down a job. She’s trying to manage his behavior by pointing out when he’s way outside norms, and is frustrated that that isn’t enough. Were she to write to an advice columnist, the format would be molehill on a mountain: that she had focused tightly in on this one little thing that seemed like she could control it (appealing to the latest employer to see how Bob could take feedback), and was missing all the larger context about the very large things that are wrong but also seem insoluble.

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    10. Rex Libris*

      Wow. Just, wow. My only guess is that maybe he came from an upbringing that taught him temper tantrums were a productive way to get what you want, and his wife continues to enable it so he still responds to every obstacle like he’s an out of control toddler?

      I’m amazed that she couldn’t see that “He doesn’t know what he’s doing when he’s upset” supports the case for firing, not forgiving, I mean, what’s he going to do after his first negative performance review, or when somebody accidentally eats his lunch, or takes his favorite pen, or, or, or?

      Big of him to forgive you. Practically enlightened. /s

      Reply ↓
      1. Rex Libris*

        After reading some of the above comments that came in while I was typing, I agree it does sound like it could be an abuse situation, and the wife could be panicking because losing the job will set him off. I hope this isn’t the case, but if he’s that unhinged it makes it even more critical to get him out of the workplace and away from the rest of the staff.

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    11. Meep*

      OK. I cracked up. At least your employees will have more snacks again!

      To answer your question: Because most people lack common sense.

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    12. CommanderBanana*

      This reminds me of the reader who wrote to AAM after she went on a spiral after a coworker didn’t say goodbye to her and ended up going to their house, contacting them repeatedly, etc., and got fired for it (if anyone remembers the title and wants to link it, thanks in advance). If I’m remembering right, there was an update and the writer said they had an anxiety disorder that they were working on managing better.

      At the end of the day, the why behind Bob’s behavior really doesn’t matter, and it’s fortunately not your problem anymore, although it’s hard not to wonder when you encounter people like that.

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    13. LaminarFlow*

      I don’t think this is explainable. Bob displayed such poor judgement throughout this whole situation, and having security present for his termination was a good call.

      I get why this is haunting you – I once had an interview candidate bring photos of me that came up in a basic Google image search to his interview (my LinkedIn photo, a few charity fundraisers, that kind of thing). He also printed my LinkedIn profile out. I excused myself from the interview room when he brought the photos out, and called security. They quickly arrived and ushered him out. The candidate ended up messaging the recruiters he worked with for scheduling to ask when he would be rescheduled. I was relieved that the recruiting team messaged him back with something along the lines of “your conduct was inappropriate, and you will not be considered for employment here.”

      Some people are just a little off. You did the right thing.

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    15. H.Regalis*

      I don’t think it’s stupidity. I think he’s a self-centered, entitled person who is willing to use threats of violence to try to get his way. Then when anyone stands up to him in the slightest, he immediately back pedals and plays the victim. That’s all pretty standard shitty behavior.

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    16. Generic Name*

      This sounds very much like my ex-husband. I am not a psychologist by any means, but over the years of being married to him and then being divorced from him (while he continually takes me to court) I’ve learned some things. In no particular order, I’ve noticed that he:
      -is entitled and controlling. He thinks that just because he has a desire, it should be granted to him (and it especially should be granted without him asking- you should just KNOW and provide)
      -is delusional. I mean this in the general sense, and not the psychological sense. Delusions such as “I feel persecuted therefore I AM persecuted”.
      -exhibits symptoms of paranoia. Because he feels persecuted, he will twist the facts to fit the story of persecution he has built in his head.
      -nothing is ever his fault. He is always the victim. He is blameless and can do no wrong. If things go wrong in his life, it is everyone else’s fault.
      -perpetual victim. Closely related to nothing ever being his fault. Not only is nothing his fault, but he is unfairly persecuted. By his job, his ex (me), the government.

      WHY is he like this? Honestly, I’ve given up wondering or caring about the why. He is just an unstable person who is not mentally healthy, and refuses to do anything about it. As for his wife, well, she has likely been trained by his outsize reactions over the years to walk on eggshells, and her reaching out is likely her attempt to keep the peace at home.

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    17. HD*

      This is someone who’s not used to receiving consequences for his actions. He found a wife and probably has a family and friend circle that enables him and rotates around him. He was expecting his boss to kowtow to his anger and was thrown off when they weren’t. He’s testing you right now to see if you can be manipulated. “Forgiving” you for something you haven’t done is big with this type.

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    18. HonorBox*

      To quote Ron Burgundy, “well that escalated quickly.” Suing a manager because they don’t respond to an email, let alone one that comes after hours on a Friday, is such a strange step that it seems like this guy doesn’t understand how business works. I’d take his wife’s call as confirmation that you did the right thing. If he doesn’t know what he’s doing when he’s upset, and he was upset because he didn’t get an immediate response to an email, think of what could happen if he had reason to ACTUALLY be upset.

      I would alert your HR and security about the call from his wife, and the email from him. At the very least, they’re alerted to the fact that contact has continued from this former employee. And if something happens, or if he shows up to talk to someone, they can be ready to escort him out … again.

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  4. Bah humbug*

    I think I might try to skip my work holiday dinner next month….The company is spread out but there are only a small handful of us in my current city, so we’re going to get dinner somewhere (and bring +1s). The only people I work with are “Lila”, a peer-level coworker and “Arthur”, a C-level executive who oversees my boss’s boss and the entire department. Lila is extremely loud and obnoxious but Arthur is overbearing and one of the most exhausting and draining people I’ve ever met. Those two are going to take over the entire conversation for everyone and I don’t think I have the energy to deal with it, even for a few hours.

    I already work closely with Arthur and I’ve met with him a few times earlier this year in person, but the others going to the dinner haven’t. With both Arthur and Lila, they are both so loud and domineering, I know I’m going to get overwhelmed and shut down and get really quiet.

    This dinner is on a Tuesday, I think I might call in sick that Monday, and then Tuesday, and will be sure to say how much I wish I could be there.
    Please tell me I’m not the only person to do this lol

    Reply ↓
    1. Don't You Call Me Lady*

      I think you’re fine, the only thing is if there are just three people be prepared for the others to suggest moving it to a different date to accommodate you

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    3. Rex Libris*

      Personally, I wouldn’t want to burn my sick time for something like this. It’s a pity that you have so many family commitments during the holidays that it’s really difficult for you to make time for a work event though. Especially that thing you already committed to with your parents, relatives, in-laws, outlaws, whoever that suddenly got moved to that Tuesday.

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    5. Jules the First*

      I am absolutely overjoyed to have discovered that my office Christmas bash is the same day as my son’s preschool Christmas fair. Work has been told that I can’t possibly miss out on the fair and preschool has been told that I’d love to be there but the office Christmas thing is a required event. The small human and I will have a festive movie night and hot cocoa snuggled on the sofa…

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  5. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

    Here is something the California Attorney General recently put out to advise California workers of their rights when it comes to non-competes, no-poach agreements, and agreements that require employees to reimburse an employer for necessary training or pay for employer-supplied equipment (or as the AG calls them, “employer-driven debt products”):

    https://oag.ca.gov/news/press-releases/attorney-general-bonta-issues-consumer-alert-reminding-california-workers-their

    Also interesting are some new laws that went into effect this year, one that allows former employees in California to sue (and recover attorney fees) a former employer that tries to enforce a non-compete even if signed out of state for work done out of state. So if you move to California to take a job and your former out-of-state employer tries to come after you for violating a non-compete, California is NOT having that kind of interference in its labor market.

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  6. Susie and Elaine Problem*

    My office is doing a Yankee Swap gift exchange next month ($20 limit). Any good ideas for a weird gift that won’t “cross the line”?

    Reply ↓
      2. AnotherOne*

        we had a random blanket that was super popular last year.

        one year someone made a mug using an AI generated image from key words related to our department- that was both really creative and really popular.

        i personally tend to go for gifts that cost me as much less than $20 as possible but look like I spent $20. for this year, I have a set of corkcicle stemless wine glasses with lids that my mom found on clearance last year at marshall’s for $7/each. they’re within budget, practical for where we live, and can be used with alcohol but don’t need to be.

        i don’t think it’s possible to guess any year, what will be popular.

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    3. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

      Look at Buzzfeed shopping–they have massive lists of different kinds of gifts, including weird and unusual.

      I would personally recommend a tortilla blanket (aka, a round blanket that looks like a tortilla). Those run around $20 and are actually quite nice, but still funny.

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    4. Neosmom*

      The card game “Poetry for Neanderthals” comes to mind. It is a fun, team game with the object of getting your team to guess the word on the card by describing it using one syllable words.

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      2. 3-Foot Tall Inflatable Rainbow Unicorn*

        Seconding Poetry for Neanderthals and games in general. Uno Flip is pretty popular in my circle.

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    5. Caramel & Cheddar*

      I don’t know that I would go for weird, depending on your definition of “weird”, but unexpected could work? I was thinking about Alison’s gift guide that has stuff like the desktop vacuum on it, and something like that could work. I bought the vacuum for myself and I love it, and would be kinda excited for something like that to show up in a Yankee Swap.

      Reply ↓
    6. Jessica Ganschen*

      My first thought is some kind of obscure/one-note kitchen gadget with a funny theme, like a garlic press that’s shaped like a duck or a corkscrew that has a little green alien on top.

      Reply ↓
    7. Rusty Shackelford*

      Nerdwax has really fun cleaning clothes for glasses, etc. that look like things you should not clean your glasses with (sandpaper, a tortilla, etc.)

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      1. merlinite*

        I once did a basket of a nice quality pancake mix, local syrup from the farmers market, and chocolate chips and it was hit.

        Reply ↓
    9. dude, who moved my cheese?*

      To some people Yankee Swap / White Elephant means funny or weird gifts and to others it means regular cozy holiday gifts (candle, fuzzy blanket, coffee gift card, etc.). Make sure you know your office’s vibe- this was an issue for my office once, where only 1 person interpreted it as “weird gifts” and the person who ultimately got the super weird gift was bummed.

      Anyway I will recommend a 2025 “dog shaming” daily calendar as a nice bridge between both.

      Reply ↓
      1. Retirednow*

        There was just a whole big discussion about this recently. How these terms are different for different people so definitely doublecheck.

        Reply ↓
    10. Friday Hopeful*

      I like the suggestion from Neosmom of Poetry for Neanderthals. I’d also add Exploding Kittens is also a fun game. Games are perfect for gifts and its fun, and always approporiate (just makes sure its not Cards for Humanity)

      Reply ↓
    11. JMR*

      Last year at our gift exchange, I ended up with a set of “taco trucks,” these plastic truck-shaped taco stands that you use for hard-shell tacos, so all the fillings don’t fall out. I use them all the time on White People Taco Night. :-)

      Reply ↓
    12. Peanut Hamper*

      Go to the dollar store and buy a storage bin with a lid. (Everybody needs a storage bin, right?) Fill it with a bunch of the weird quirky stuff you can find there. Holiday stuff, band-aids, office supplies, fake flowers, etc. Definitely quirky, and they get a whole lot of little things which is pretty fun.

      Reply ↓
    13. Liane*

      In past years, Alison has posted suggested work gift lists. My break is almost over, so I don’t have time to search for a link, sorry.

      Reply ↓
    14. Q without U*

      People go nuts for scratch offs. The most excited I’ve seen people get at a gift exchange was for a small bag of Lindt truffles with a bunch of scratch offs attached.

      Reply ↓
    15. Strive to Excel*

      I got a tiny desktop fountain from somewhere. It was ~$15, battery powered, very quiet, and maybe 7 inches cubic size.

      Reply ↓
    18. Pyanfar*

      The best one I saw was a half gallon container of Olive Oil. Right at the price point, weird, but completely non-offensive.

      Reply ↓
    19. Strive to Excel*

      Things that people have stolen multiple times in prior Yankee Swaps I’ve attended:

      A funny microfiber blanket (I think it might have been Tortilla-shaped! But not positive)
      A cold brew coffee maker
      Socks with cats on them
      A New Hope: the Novel…by Shakespeare (good for a nerdy group, eternal bonus points if the recipient is willing to do a 30-second read)
      2 pounds of M&Ms

      Reply ↓
    20. The OG Sleepless*

      I got a tiny waffle iron awhile back. It was fairly cheap so eventually the hinge broke, but until then we got lots of use out of it!

      Reply ↓
    21. RedinSC*

      I always find something funny at Walgreens, which is a specific drug store here in CA (may be at other places). I just wander around and there’s always something perfect for a gift swap!

      Reply ↓
    22. Stretchy McGillicuddy*

      The two gifts that got fought over the most at my office last year were the heated blanket and a hot sauce gift basket. Only two people wanted the hot sauce but they both really, really wanted it. The IT guy ultimately won out when the other person realized they did not want to be on his bad side.

      Reply ↓
    23. Pocket Mouse*

      I brought fancy-ish pickles one year and it was perfect. Easy to get a decent quantity/variety for the price limit, some people will really want them, some people will really NOT want them, and it’s unusual enough to qualify as an oddball choice without being in any way offensive.

      Reply ↓
    24. Sharon*

      We like things like a very ugly coffee mug with a Starbucks gift card, so the recipient (1) gets something good in case they are stuck with the ugly mug and (2) has a chance to have the ugly mug stolen away because somebody wants the gift card. A few of these “dud prizes” get regifted year after year, so some are old friends and part of the challenge is creative wrapping so people won’t guess what it is.

      Reply ↓
      1. A Simple Narwhal*

        Yes to the dud gift! My mom’s friends have this monstrosity of a tealight candle holder that gets passed around every year. It’s like a gold twisty 2 foot tall structure that loosely looks like a tree – it’s tacky and huge and really awful. The trick is that whoever got it last year has to try and hide what it is so someone else gets tricked into choosing it, and people have gotten really creative with it. I do think they keep a backup real gift so no one actually ends up with nothing.

        However you have to make sure everyone is on board with it, it reminds me of the story here about the fruitcake dud gift that got passed around an office for years until it ended up with an intern who didn’t know it was a joke and actually ate it.

        Reply ↓
    25. A Simple Narwhal*

      The card game “What do you Meme?” was a big hit at my family yankee swap last year!

      (Disclaimer: I have never actually played myself, so I’m not sure if there’s content in it that would make it NSFW. The premise itself is safe for work – match funny meme photos to funny captions, so maybe double check if you think people are going to want to play at the office.)

      Other than that, popular swap gifts have always been scratch tickets and giftcards, usually attached to a candy bar, mug, or other silly/cheap item to make the package more interesting than an envelope.

      Reply ↓
    27. Morgi Corgi*

      When we did are Yankee Swap last year it was mostly chocolate and lotto cards. People REALLY wanted the lottery cards (I don’t play the lottery so I don’t really understand the appeal, but I’m glad people liked them so much). One of the employees won $200! The chocolate also went over well (people got expensive, fancy chocolate).

      Reply ↓
  7. AnonJustInCase*

    I work for an organization as a manger that places a huge focus on being liked. AKA an employee recently left, cited his manager as the reason (specifically that the manager didn’t choose him for a promotion to another team) and it caused a THING.

    So how the heck do I navigate this, continue to have tough conversations as warranted and occasionally make unpopular decisions…working for a company that seems to think managers have to be liked?

    I’m not saying it’s my goal to be mean…I’m just not sure how to be both a people pleaser and a manager???

    I’d love your thoughts, commentariat.

    Reply ↓
        1. AnonJustInCase*

          My boss told me I’m good as long as I’m “friendly but not friends” which is great…but that is not the “they quit because they don’t like YOU” (not me, I promise LOL) vibe that’s coming from the top. After speaking to the manager involved they were grilled over what they had done to make the employee dislike them.

          All I could think was…manage an unpopular decision is enough.

          Reply ↓
          1. Caramel & Cheddar*

            Oh yeah, that’s totally weird. Can your boss have a conversation with them about how, realistically, managers simply cannot always be liked because they will sometimes have to make unpopular decisions, there could be personality clashes, etc.? Like we need to respect each other as colleagues and move forward with decisions, but we cannot control if everyone is liked and, frankly, we shouldn’t want to either.

            Reply ↓
    2. Don't You Call Me Lady*

      It’s not unreasonable to leave a job if you didn’t get a promotion and maybe feel like you’re stuck somewhere. Unless you’re just supposed to give everyone in the company anything they want, I don’t get what the manager could have done differently

      Reply ↓
      1. AnonJustInCase*

        Apparently it’s a “if the person liked you they would have stayed even not getting the promotion”.

        It’s odd.

        Reply ↓
    3. Qwerty*

      You don’t know what all was said in the exit interview. It is very likely that other things came up as well, but the promotion is the most black and white item. Even if we stick to just that, here’s some options:

      – Was more interested in the “moving to another team” part of the promotion and is leaving because he is stuck with said manager
      – Didn’t feel like the manager supported him in getting the experience needed for the promotion
      – Felt like the manager led him on about getting the promotion, then was blindsided when it went to someone else
      – Didn’t feel like he’d ever get promoted under that manager
      – Had lots of problems with that manager and this was the last straw

      As a manager, it is also important to know the flight risk status of employees. If not getting this promotion would result in an employee immediately leaving, the manager should have flagged that. Not as a reason to give the promotion, but so the company is prepared and can either have a backup plan or show support for the guy to get him to stay.

      Managers who are both good and well liked are rarely people pleasers. You want to support the team, be approachable, and help with professional growth / blockers. If a manager is disliked, people tend to leave or be unhappy at work, and usually it is a sign of other problems. There’s a huge chasm between “mean” and “people pleaser” to explore.

      Reply ↓
    4. Angstrom*

      “Like” as a boss or “like” as a person?
      One of my best bosses was someone that I wouldn’t want to socialize with outside of work. As a manager they were great — took good care of their people, worked to see them advance, absolutely honest, absolutely trustworthy. We worked well together. In many ways our personalities were opposites — their weekends always seemed to involve vats of alcohol and things being broken. Yes, I liked them as a boss, but we would never be buddies.
      It’s more important that managers be respected and trusted. “Are they a good person to work for?” is a much better question than “Do you like them?”

      Reply ↓
  8. Holy Fork*

    my current company wants to transfer me to a new city and get a really good promotion working with/for the big wigs.

    I am somewhere between excited and scared. They want me moved by 1 Jan. I have been in my current city for 25 years.

    BUT it is still in stealth mode and not 100% confirmed. So… just in a holding pattern. trying not to jump the gun or freak out.

    Reply ↓
    1. Visit*

      That’s not a lot of time to move given holiday slowdowns. If you don’t hear soon I might ask if it can be delayed until Jan 15 or Feb 1.

      I strongly recommend a trip that includes a weekday or two before deciding to move. It will help you figure out areas you are/are not willing to live in, how much of a commute you’d actually be accepting, what’s near the new office, and generally get a feel for the new place.

      If you have a family that would be moving with you, take them even if they have to miss some school or work.

      Good luck!

      Reply ↓
      1. Holy Fork*

        Luckily it’s a city i am *very* familiar with, as it’s where I grew up. So “new” might’ve been misstating it — it’s new to my career, not my life.

        No family moving with me — just cats.

        Reply ↓
      1. Holy Fork*

        With an aging parent, I am not sure if it is 100% what I want, but it was definitely the long term plan to be closer to him.

        Reply ↓
  9. SleepyHollow*

    Ok, how do you deal when you know another employee on your level is on an improvement plan, but you don’t know when the end will actually come? And they’re making no progress and it’s impacting you?

    Basically I work with Silas. Silas and I are in completely different roles in our company, but we work together regularly on projects and we have the same boss and we are on the same level of the org chart. Silas has many obvious performance issues. I know my boss is aware of these and aware that the fault is with Silas. I’ve raised concerns with my boss about Silas’s performance and the response I got was enough to make me like 95% sure that Silas has been placed on a PIP without my boss directly saying this.

    Great! There’s a plan! Unfortunately I don’t have any kind of visibility into the timeline of the PIP and I’m having to cover some of the gaps left on projects by Silas’s lack of performance. It’s becoming increasingly frustrating because Silas just doesn’t seem to be making any improvements or changing his ways at all. I’m starting to feel like sometimes my own work suffers because I need to focus on making sure Silas’s parts of the projects don’t fall through the gaps, and some of Silas’s work I’m being instructed to leave to a poorer quality than I’d like because he needs to take ownership of his portions of the projects.

    My boss is aware of my frustrations, aware that the additional workload is an unfair ask, and has repeatedly told me that he appreciates my efforts and sees what I’m doing. He’s also assured me that he is happy with my work on my own projects, so that helps.

    I can’t really ask “so hey when are we finally gonna fire Silas” but I’m going a little crazy over here. I also think it’ll get worse for a period of time if Silas does get fired because there’s no obvious choice to take over for him, so I feel like I’ll be covering these tasks even longer.

    Reply ↓
    1. Rusty Shackelford*

      some of Silas’s work I’m being instructed to leave to a poorer quality than I’d like because he needs to take ownership of his portions of the projects.

      Yeah, you really want to do the absolute minimum of cleaning up after Silas at this point, lest someone above your boss decide the current situation isn’t anything that really needs to be fixed.

      Reply ↓
      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Yeah, this is transferring the pain to someone else, who will then hopefully decide that Silas is in fact a problem to be solved. Rather than a problem this is self-solving because you and your manager take the extra work to solve it.

        Reply ↓
    2. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

      Do your work first. Flag every single gap left by Silas. Basically, give your boss as much documentation as you can that will help the PIP.
      Beyond that, all you can do is have patience.

      Reply ↓
      1. Caramel & Cheddar*

        This is basically all you can do. The boss is aware and has already instructed you that poorer quality work is fine because this will magically help Silas take ownership (!?), so you can’t even say “It’s not sustainable for me to keep helping Silas” because letting the chips fall where they may doesn’t seem to bother your boss.

        Not that it’s fair to you, OP, but I think at least if Silas does get fired, it will probably be easier getting those tasks done now that you have full control rather than him getting in the way and messing things up. Still too much work for one person, but at least no one will be in there gumming up the works.

        Reply ↓
        1. Banana Pyjamas*

          I doubt they expect him to take ownership. They just need him to mess up so they can document, but they can’t say that to another employee.

          Reply ↓
          1. Caramel & Cheddar*

            They do, I took that from the original comment: “I’m being instructed to leave to a poorer quality than I’d like because he needs to take ownership of his portions of the projects.”

            Reply ↓
            1. SleepyHollow*

              My gut feel is that it’s kind of in between the two. Like in part if I do the work well, then Silas doesn’t see the issue and consequences and therefore he doesn’t improve. But also if I do the work well then there is no visibility to those above us that there is a gap. And as other commenters pointed out I definitely don’t want to get stuck covering it long term while Silas stays because there’s no evidence he’s not working to standard

              Reply ↓
    3. ClearCommunication*

      All you can really do is make your boss aware of how this is affecting you. If Silas is fired and the hole does make it worse, communicate that as well. I would not communicate fears that it might make it worse, just factual information if those fears pan out.

      Good luck!

      Reply ↓
    4. M2*

      I wouldn’t do Silas work. If it is poor quality let it stand for the PIP. If for some reason you need to redo something, take a picture of his work and then email your manager and say something along the lines of this is Silas work on X. I needed to fix a,b,c. Please see below. Document everything and email to your boss so they can use it in the PIP.

      Reply ↓
    5. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

      I’m starting to feel like sometimes my own work suffers because I need to focus on making sure Silas’s parts of the projects don’t fall through the gaps

      Let them fall through the gaps.

      When this creates enough of a problem that they finally fire him, talk to boss about prioritizing work. Doing the job of two people is not sustainable. And if they see you successfully completing the work of two people, that doesn’t incentivize them to bring on another employee very fast. Stick to what one person can reasonably do.

      Reply ↓
      1. SleepyHollow*

        Thankfully it’s not quite that dire. There’s probably about 15% overlap that I’m helping to cover because I happen to have a level of experience/expertise in a very closely related subject matter. There would be more of a time imposition for me if Silas wasn’t here though since right now I’m dealing with none of the administrative side of things, just the actual functional work.

        Reply ↓
    6. Ann O'Nemity*

      Have you talked to your manager about setting clear boundaries and your overall workload? It sounds like your manager known that Silas’s poor performance is affecting you, but have you talked about how it’s hurting your own work? It may be worth a conversation about priorities. If you need to cover for Silas, what is being removed from your plate to make room?

      Are you documenting the extra work you’re doing? As a CYA, it may be worth documenting the increased workload and effect on quality and standards. Similarly, document how you’re going above and beyond.

      Reply ↓
      1. SleepyHollow*

        To be clear my manager is still very happy with my work, it’s me who isn’t at the moment.

        Basically I’m an A+ student and I feel like I’m delivering A- work, but my boss would be happy with like a strong B

        Reply ↓
        1. Hazel*

          Old maxims that apply here:
          We can’t change other people, just our responses to them.
          You can’t care more than the people who are paid to care do.

          Can you change your response? Feel pity for Silas rather than angry? Feel appreciative of your boss’ support of you and efforts to deal with Silas? Acknowledge that you are doing A+ work and he is doing C, making the class average a C, but not your average? You don’t have to pull the class up with you.

          Also just to put an end date on it, I think it’s ok to ask Boss, ‘what’s the timeframe for resolving the Silas issues’. Resolve can mean improve or fire. Boss can tell you a timeline for your expected holding back without saying there’s a PIP. Sometimes the star student also has to be the evil genius!

          Reply ↓
    7. learnedthehardway*

      Keep your manager informed when Silas drops the ball?

      The tricky bit is that your work depends on inputs that Silas produces, and you can’t do your work to the right level without good inputs. But you would have to do his job and yours to get the work to the right level. Can you push back to tell him you need work to the right standard (and cc his manager)? Or can you produce your work but flag that the inputs were inadequate, and that this has affected the results you are producing?

      Reply ↓
    8. Random Academic Cog*

      Every single thing you catch/prevent/fix is further derailing your boss’ ability to hold Silas to the terms of the PIP and get rid of him. Every. Single. Thing.

      Your boss must be able to adequately document where Silas is failing AND how that’s impacting the work/team/company (which is “not much” if it’s still polished and complete by the time it goes out the door because someone else is picking up the slack). I’ve seen this play out so many times and the only thing most people take away from these experiences is that we can’t get anyone fired for less than embezzlement or physical violence. It’s not true – we can get rid of useless people, it’s just a lot of work.

      Quit trying to second-guess your boss about what you’ve been told to do (i.e. quit doing any of Silas’ work). You can’t be more invested in it than your boss is.

      Reply ↓
  10. Green Goose*

    Is it appropriate for me to stop a conversation because I need a moment to process? If so I need some helpful wording.

    I sometimes find myself in situations where a superior unexpectedly is frustrated/angry about something involving me and I just shut down in these moments. My mind goes blank and I can’t think straight. The other day my boss changed the agenda for a meeting to go deep into the weeds on something I was not prepared for and it involves our super messy data (a whole other problem).
    Boss wanted to “get to the bottom of it” right then and there but because I wasn’t prepared, and she was visibly frustrated my brain just shuts down. I really just wanted to say I needed a moment to understand what she was asking, and time to review the data and then regroup but because my stress response it “shut down” when someone appears mad at me I couldn’t think to do that in the moment.

    Is it appropriate to stop a meeting like this and say I need more time and we can regroup later? What’s some professional language I can use in the moment?

    I’ve had meetings like this where I’ve either stayed totally silent or taken the blame for something that was not my fault just to end the meeting and then as soon as I have some breathing room and can think straight I’m like wait a minute that wasn’t my fault at all but the meeting is over.

    Reply ↓
    1. A large cage of birds*

      I think it’s ok to stop a meeting like this, though obviously you have to read carefully with your boss. I’d just use something like, “I see this is important and I’m happy to discuss it. I need a bit of time to refresh myself on all the details (it’s a complex project/a large dataset/ there are a lot of moving parts). Can I have some time to look into it so I can make sure I have the latest info? (And then maybe suggest a time.)

      I would have maybe shut down in the moment as well! But I think it’s reasonable to ask for some time to make sure you’re up to speed

      Reply ↓
    2. Name (Required)*

      I think it depends a lot on your boss and your company culture. I would try something like “I’d like some time to review the data before we discuss this. Would it be okay for us to meet in 30 minutes?”

      Reply ↓
      1. Lemons*

        ^ Yes, this, you can very easily frame it as a suggestion designed not to waste her time, like “OK yeah, let’s figure this out, let me dig up and parse all the info and get back to in in 30 so you’re not waiting around.” I think the classic “Let me find that info for you” would be a useful general tool for you as well to buy a little time.

        Reply ↓
    3. FollowUp*

      It depends. Is the point of the meeting to give you this feedback or is it happening in the course of other conversation? If the former, you may be able to ask for some time to process. It’ll depend on your boss and the company norms. If the latter, you probably need to be able to adjust and respond at the time or not participate in the conversation.

      What you should be able to do regardless is regroup and raise the issue again with your dispassionately reasoned responses later. Something like “I was so startled when you brought X up the other day. I’ve had some time to process what you said now, and I believe there are other aspects of the situation we need to address to ensure this doesn’t happen again. I realize the ultimate outcome is my responsibility (if it is), but Y and Z were the primary drivers of the failure. I have some ideas on how to address them – what do you think about K and J?

      Good luck!

      Reply ↓
    4. Rex Libris*

      I usually go with something like “I’d need to look at the data and do some research to make sure I’m giving you an accurate answer. How soon do you need an answer?”

      Reply ↓
    5. learnedthehardway*

      Can you say “I came to the meeting prepared to discuss X, but we’re discussing Y, and I need to review my information first?”

      I totally understand the frustration – I get people asking me for updates on a moment’s notice, and I have ZERO memory. I take very detailed, complete notes, and then I summarize the important high lights – very simply so that I can refer to them as needed, when people ask questions out of the blue.

      Reply ↓
    6. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

      Have you thought about practicing with a therapist or a friend what to do in this kind of situation? Like, maybe if you had something to fall back on, you wouldn’t shut down so hard? I ask because some people are just not going to react well to a request to essentially reschedule a meeting already in progress. Alternatively, maybe you could explain to your boss the stress reaction you know you have have, and get your boss to tell you ahead of time what they want to get to the bottom of so that you can be prepared?

      Reply ↓
    7. Meep*

      I actually work with a lot of people like you (Engineers) who need time to process things. My strategy has always been to ask them about something 1-2 weeks in advance before I need an actual answer/decision to let them process. They have a lot on their plate so they need the extra subconscious time instead of task switching in the moment.

      Maybe have a conversation with your boss when things have cooled and explain that you need time to process information to give them the best and most accurate answers?

      Something like “I know you need answers right now, but I find myself much better prepared to give you what you need when you give me [x amount of time] to prepare. Moving forward can you give me more of a heads up to better suit our agenda?”

      Reply ↓
      1. Spacewoman Spiff*

        I like this suggestion, especially if this is something that happens often. My brain freezes in what sounds like a similar way when something is thrown at me that I’m not prepped to discuss. In 1:1s, I’ve talked with managers about this and let them know that I really do my thinking through writing, and having even a little advance notice and time to look through new materials will help me better engage in a conversation. For me, part of my challenge was to stop thinking of this brain freeze as a weakness that I needed to try hiding from managers, and to start looking at more neutrally as just the way I think and process information.

        Reply ↓
    8. Oof and Ouch*

      Depends on your relationship with your boss and their personality.

      I’ve had bosses that I had to legitimately say, “Look Bob, I understand you want an answer on this, but you originally wanted this meeting to be about the Q4 llama grooming plan and now you’re asking me how Mrs. Furgeson’s alpaca was accidentally dyed dark pink instead of light pink last week, and this is the first I’m hearing of the issue, so you’re gonna need to give me like two hours to talk to some people.”

      Other bosses I’ve had to be a little more tiptoeish around, “I completely understand that this issue of the magenta alpaca needs to be prioritized above the original purpose of this meeting. Is this something you’d like me to investigate on my own and get back to you on by the end of the day, or is this something you’d prefer we deep dive into together now? If you want to work through it, then can we reconvene in 15 minutes so I can pull the relevant information I already have together?”

      Reply ↓
  11. Always the Bridesmaid*

    I’m just curious what others response is to this – a recruiter reached out to me with an opportunity that would come with a significant pay raise, but the position is fully onsite with a commute that would be an hour or more in rush hour traffic. I said I would pass if they weren’t willing to offer a hybrid schedule, but I’m curious what others threshold for commute-to-pay ratio is.

    Reply ↓
    1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      Back when I was younger (20s & early 30s) I did that kind of commute all the time – DC beltway, I-66, etc. – and just wrote it off as the cost of doing business.

      I’m more picky now. It would have to be some significant money (like 40% bump, maybe?) to get me to do that.

      Reply ↓
      1. Joielle*

        Same here. My first job out of law school was 100% in person, at least an hour commute each way – but the market was tight and I had no experience and I was happy to get the offer I did. Having more options now, I wouldn’t do that long of a commute unless there was a really significant increase. I think 40% sounds about right.

        Reply ↓
    2. Decidedly Me*

      While I’m sure there is a number at which I would switch to fully in person, it’s got to really high as I can’t think of it. During my last job search, I considered hybrid, but only if it was 3+ days from home, relatively close (30min-ish commute), and paid a lot more than my remote options. I ended up sticking to a fully remote role.

      Reply ↓
    3. I am a quesadilla*

      This is going to be different for everyone! I live in a major city and have no problem with an hour commute. For me the sticking point would be the in-person schedule — 2 days, almost certainly yes. 3 days probably. 4-5 ehhhh.

      Questions to consider:
      – are the hours fixed? or can you leave early / arrive late to avoid traffic?
      – do they have to be set days or can I change them based on my schedule (ie are they always Tues/Thur or can I do Mon/Wed if that’s better for me on a given week)? What happens if I’m supposed to be Tue/Wed/Thur but take a vacation or sick day on Wed, am I expected to make up that in-office day on Friday?
      – what happens if you’re sick? what happens if you have plans and want to work remote (I sometimes dogsit and work from my friend’s house)?
      – are there snacks / drinks provided in the office? how often is lunch comped? (honestly, having to provide my own coffee would be a KILLER for me and it’s funny the little things that can make a huge quality of life difference!)
      – how often do other people actually work remote? if 99% of the office is in-person 5 days a week, trying to negotiate to be that 1 person who works remote 2 days a week is likely going to impact ability to advance and would hurt work relationships.

      Reply ↓
    5. Whale I Never*

      Not quite the same, but a few months ago I moved to an apartment with a 65% rent increase because of how much easier it made me commute. In-person both ways, but I went from “I MUST take two buses, and sometimes it will take 30 minutes and sometimes it will take two hours with delays” to “I can take a single bus to be there in less than 10 minutes, or walk for 25 minutes.” There were certainly other factors (fewer roommates, more convenient to other stuff), but cutting commute stress had such an improvement in my overall life that I haven’t regretted it for one minute, and the salary increase that would make me give it up would have to be… VERY steep.

      Reply ↓
    6. StressedButOkay*

      It would have to be so much. Like, SO MUCH. I’ve gotten so spoiled by WFH full time that unless the money was just – stupid, it honestly wouldn’t be enough to get me to give it up. Not when I can log off at 4:30 and just be done (on the days that I can log off on time hah) and get on with my personal life.

      Reply ↓
    7. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

      I hate commuting with the fire of 10,000 suns. There is no raise that would get me to accept an hour commute. Spouse and I would also have to buy another car (public transit not reasonably near me). I’d maybe accept a 30 min commute with a huge raise and a bonus and even then… probably not.

      Reply ↓
    8. Ann O'Nemity*

      I won’t do an hour commute anymore. That’s 10 hours a week. I don’t have 10 extra hours a week to spend in the car.

      Reply ↓
    9. Caramel & Cheddar*

      My commute is currently 45min each way and I’m hybrid, so increasing that and making me come in five days a week would probably kill me if my salary didn’t at least double.

      Reply ↓
      1. Tradd*

        I drive 45-60 minutes each way 5 days a week and have always done that. I worked remote for 8 months during the plague. Otherwise, in the office. Always. It’s normal for me and every place I’ve ever worked. I’ve been doing commutes like this since the early 90s.

        Reply ↓
    10. Busy Middle Manager*

      Hour is the upper limit of acceptable. But what about other factors of the drive? Are there alternative routes if there are accidents? Does it snow alot? Do there tend to be bad bottlenecks in the summer/Friday that make the commute even worse? What is parking like on the other end? Is the drive easy? Or is it like the hour and fifteen one I did in NJ for a while that was all difficult roads, bumps, tolls, potholes, navigating construction and traffic spilling over from side roads into some highways, or can you mentally zone out and drive on smooth roads that won’t kill your car?

      Reply ↓
    11. Colette*

      They’d have to pay me enough that I could retire in 6 months or less. So basically not going to happen.

      But I think it depends on a few things:
      – would the pay increase pay for things you need or things you want?
      – what would that long commute cost you (in both time and money)?

      Reply ↓
      1. A Significant Tree*

        Same – I’m privileged to be paid enough that even a big raise is not enough incentive to give up my current situation. I was hybrid for years before Covid and have now adjusted to full time teleworking.

        Also, consider the added stress of commuting, especially if it involves stop and go traffic. Some people can tolerate it but I am not one of them so it would be a dealbreaker for me. My personal limit is 3-4 times a month.

        Reply ↓
    12. ThatGirl*

      At this point, being currently employed, there is no job or raise out there that would make me want to drive an hour or more. The calculus might change if I was unemployed. But as it stands my office is a 4 minute drive and I have a lot of flexibility and a hybrid schedule. Even though I have my frustrations with my company, it would take a lot for me to give that up.

      (I have had long commutes for previous jobs and I did NOT enjoy it, so I’d have to be pretty desperate to regularly commute a long way.)

      Reply ↓
    13. A large cage of birds*

      An hour or more would be a no-go for me. Once a week maybe, but certainly not daily.

      That said, it depends on where you are money wise. There was a time in my life where I probably would have preferred the raise, but I’m more comfortable now and it wouldn’t be worth it. (Plus I’ve been at home for over 4 years, so that would be a huge change for me.)

      Reply ↓
    14. Always the Bridesmaid*

      I appreciate everyone’s responses! FWIW, besides the commute (which would be on a congested urban highway where you are quite literally fighting for your life even of the good days), I wasn’t exactly thrilled about the opportunity. I have a job and the pay isn’t amazing, but I’m not struggling either. And while things could definitely improve, I have an easy 20 min commute and a fair amount of flexibility.

      I entered the workforce a few years after The Big One of 2008 and at the height of hustle culture, so there is always a part of me that feels lazy/entitled/generally bad when I make a decision to protect my personal life at the expense of feeding the capitalist machine.

      Reply ↓
    15. learnedthehardway*

      My father’s advice always registers when something like commuting comes into play: “Your time is worth something, too!”

      I think for me, it would have to go well beyond money to get me to work onsite (at all, let alone full time). It would have to be a great role, great culture, with future career growth potential. I would have to WANT to commute because the position was so compelling.

      Reply ↓
      1. Mad Scientist*

        100% agree. I currently WFH and love it, and until recently, I was convinced that no amount of money could convince me to go back to working in-person full-time.

        Then I was offered an in-person position with interesting, challenging work that was perfectly within my niche area of expertise, and I accepted it without hesitation. Money would not have been enough for me to sacrifice the comforts of WFH… only really fun science could convince me to do that!

        Reply ↓
    16. Strive to Excel*

      It would depend where! I was looking into a job earlier this year where my commute would be 45-50 minutes each way, but it would be along quieter back roads. The job would in all other ways have been fantastic and the commute would be the only downside.

      On the flipside, I would have to be looking at a near doubling of salary and hybrid work to commute to our local big city. Driving in there regularly reduces me to frustrated tears.

      Reply ↓
    17. Laura*

      I have a fully onsite job with an hour+ commute (into Boston) and the commute is so brutal. Being onsite is the norm in my role and one of the reasons I stay in my job is that there is really convenient company shuttle that I can take, so even though I have that long commute I can call into meetings or check emails and just not have to stress about driving. If not for the shuttle I would have been job searching long ago even though I’m otherwise happy here.

      Reply ↓
    18. Meep*

      I’m weird and it really depends on the drive? I hated commuting to my old office before I moved 7 miles further from it, because I no longer had to go through the middle of town. I could go around on the scenic view. Interestingly enough, it was still 35 minutes either direction. The difference was stop-and-go rush hour vs not.

      Since the office moved technically closer to me mileage-wise, I find myself going in less because I am back into going through the heart of the city to get there. The drive is still 35 minutes too.

      Reply ↓
      1. Hlao-roo*

        I don’t think you’re weird–I would also rather a scenic 35 min drive around town than a 35 min stop-and-go drive through the town center. I also can tolerate a longer commute that’s on transit than I can a driving commute (my max for transit is 1-hour, my max for driving is 40-min). I know several other people who prefer well-flowing traffic commutes to stop-and-go traffic commutes when the commuting time is the same, or even if the well-flowing commute is longer time-wise.

        Reply ↓
      2. Ama*

        One of the longest commutes time wise I ever had was a summer job during grad school in Westchester County, NY where I drove across the Tappan Zee Bridge (as it was then called) every day, but it was a reverse commute (away from NYC in the mornings) so it wasn’t super congested and the drive was absolutely gorgeous. I would have happily done that commute for years if it hadn’t been just a limited time job (job was grant funded for one summer). But even 30 minutes a day through high congestion rush hour traffic would be far too much for me.

        Reply ↓
    19. je veux m'en passer*

      Depends on what the hour is like. I did that drive once (45-50 minutes), but it was 80% free-flowing expressway (75-80mph), and the rest was small back-roads so it was no real issue. If it was an hour in Chicago traffic, there isn’t enough money in all of America.

      Reply ↓
    21. Blue Pen*

      I used to commute two hours each way to work. There is truly no amount of money that would ever get me to do that again. I’ve never felt so exhausted and isolated in my life. Now, I think 45 minutes (and that’s *really* pushing it) is the longest commute time I would agree to.

      Reply ↓
    22. No Tribble At All*

      One million dollars E_E an hour or more in rush hour traffic is brutal. It’s going to be “or more”; you have to get up early; you can’t do anything after work because you’re stuck in traffic, etc. It’ll significantly affect your home life balance because you’re losing two hours a day plus you’ll be extra tired. I would not.

      I’m mostly remote, can you tell? :)

      Reply ↓
  12. Ann Perkins*

    Does anyone have language you really like for a “my work hours may not be your work hours” email tagline? I’m considering adding this type of language to my signature; too many people, including members of my team, seem to feel pressure to jump to respond at all hours, and I want a reminder that they may not always need to do so.

    I’m also curious if there is anyone who has thought this through and decided NOT to add this sort of language, and why you made that decision.

    Reply ↓
    1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      To be honest, I don’t read email signatures. So I’d completely miss that.

      I add text into the body situationally.

      Reply ↓
    2. I am a quesadilla*

      Answering your question with a different question: why not just use the schedule send feature to send the email during work hours?

      Reply ↓
    4. Data Data Data*

      I work with people across several time zones, all with somewhat flexible schedules . Here’s the tagline I use:

      My working time may not be your working time. Please do not feel obliged to reply to this email outside of your routine working hours.

      Reply ↓
    5. Caramel & Cheddar*

      I wouldn’t add it to a signature because a lot of people don’t read signatures, but also a lot of systems can be set up to only include a signature on the first email in a chain and not subsequent replies.

      I think if you want your team to not feel pressure to respond, I’d a) send an actual email to them outlining your expectations, or lackthereof, rather than relying on them to read it in a signature, and b) just use the schedule send feature if you’re not working with people across multiple time zones where 9am your time might still be after hours their time.

      Reply ↓
    6. Ann O'Nemity*

      My schedule may differ from yours. Please respond during your usual working hours.

      My colleague uses this, as she has a flexible schedule. I don’t use one of these taglines myself, as I usually don’t send emails outside of conventional work hours. When I do I use “schedule send” so the email goes out during the next work day.

      Reply ↓
    7. pally*

      yeah- a company I work with uses: We work flexibly at [Company name]. I am sending this message now because it works for me, but I do not expect that you will read, respond to or act on it outside of your regular working hours.

      Reply ↓
    8. Don't You Call Me Lady*

      Personally, I feel like others can manage their own inboxes and don’t need my guidance on how and when to send an email, so I wouldn’t include that type of message

      Reply ↓
    9. A large cage of birds*

      I’ve seen signatures like this, and I think it’s fine. Honestly I never feel pressure to answer those kind of off hours emails, whether they have that in the signature or not. I worked in higher ed for a while and academics would email at all hours, holidays, etc. But if you’re seeing people feel an obligation to answer, then the reminder would probably be good.

      Reply ↓
    10. DontDoIt*

      I would look askance at someone pointing this out to me – like I need their permission to manage my email in a way that works best for me. Email is an asynchronous communication – there should never be a. expectation of immediate response attached because you have no control over when someone actually sees the mail.

      Reply ↓
    11. ecnaseener*

      I’m going to agree with several people above and say that a signature isn’t particularly effective. For people on your team (especially if you’re their manager), say it to them directly – and be clear about it. “My work hours may not be your work hours” isn’t clear (what are your work hours then? if I get an emails from you at all kinds of times, does that mean your work hours are 24/7?). “I work odd hours, different every day, but I try to be available during [times]” is better.

      Keep in mind also that what you’re interpreting as “feeling pressure to respond” could just be a sign that, like you, they prefer to work odd hours.

      Reply ↓
    12. MsM*

      Putting it in your signature is a bit much, I think. I’d just reinforce in conversations with them that you don’t expect them to respond outside of business hours, and maybe make an effort to schedule sending things so they don’t show up until the next morning.

      Reply ↓
    13. Qwerty*

      I find this patronizing and ineffective. Someone is only reading that email if they already felt like they had to check emails outside of their work hours. It feels performative and more of a CYA move. If you are in management, you have much better tools at your disposal for promoting work/life balance.

      What I find more effective is focusing on culture. Tell people how you will get indicate if something is urgent (ex: I will call your cell phone if you are needed outside work hours so you never have to check work chat / email after hours) Check in with individuals you manage who are responding immediately to find out what works for them. Maybe they feel pressured, maybe they are already online because of a different project, maybe they are just bored, maybe they think it’ll impress their boss.

      My teams I’ve managed all learn pretty quickly that I’m sending the email in the evening because I tend to get caught up on email and tasks in the evening. Some of them start work before me, so its a good way to pass info between the timezones.

      Reply ↓
  13. my cat is prettier than me*

    My grand-boss didn’t approve our holiday party proposal until Wednesday, and now the place is booked. We’re trying to come up with alternatives, but I’m ticked because I sent the proposal to him on 10/10. I thought we were waiting on the board, but they were waiting on him.

    Reply ↓
    1. Rusty Shackelford*

      Maybe have your holiday party in January? A lot of people prefer not to squeeze a work party into an already busy November/December.

      Reply ↓
      2. StressedButOkay*

        My spouse’s work does that and it’s fantastic! We have something fun in January where we can dress up/stay in a hotel and we’re not stressed about trying to juggle that, my work stuff, parties being held by family/friends, other events…

        Reply ↓
      3. my cat is prettier than me*

        Unfortunately, it’s out of my hands.

        Thankfully, the work party is during the day. We also aren’t allowed to bring anyone.

        Reply ↓
  14. Tradd*

    I asked my friend to post here, but she preferred I do it. I’ll call my friend Mary. We live and work in a very blue US state, but there are always those who feel differently. Mary works for a very progressive company, very inclusive. One of the owners has enjoyed sparring with the local non-progressives on social media for years. It’s extremely toxic. Since the election, that is causing a problem. Company is very open about being progressive and who they employee. All employees are listed on the company website, and have for years, with their photo, work email/phone number. The local non-progressives are now targeting employees where my friend works. Bullying on social media, harassing DMs, home delivered packages all of a sudden disappearing, harrasing emails/phone calls at the office. All the employees have asked for their photos/contact info to be taken off website, but owner refuses. Employees have shared screen shots, voice mails, emails they’ve received with ownership and law enforcement, but other than getting law enforcement involved, ownership won’t stop fighting with the local non-progressives on social media. He says he’s not going to hide, but that does nothing for the trans, gay, and people of color employees who are getting harassed and threatened, as well as the other employees. I’ve shared the personal digital security guide from the Electronic Frontier Foundation, as well as a good related article from Wired magazine this week. Any other suggestions?

    Reply ↓
    2. Stuart Foote*

      This is a pretty wild situation…it seems like it’s time to get the police involved? Actually way past time. For at least some of the social harassment it seems that blocking and reporting is the way to go, but for the stuff that are actual crimes you have to get police involved (assuming the packages aren’t just getting stolen by porch pirates).

      I’d honestly be really annoyed if the owner of my company was constantly sparring with people on social media, even if I agreed with his overall point. I’d also be really annoyed if I HAD to have my photo and contact info on the company website. The owner seems like a complete ass and not someone I’d want to work for.

      Reply ↓
    3. Higher Ed Cube Farmer*

      Mary and colleagues (stronger as a group) could perhaps make one more attempt at changing the owner’s mind by putting it to him in terms of: If you want to be *actually* progressive and inclusive, you will stop doing things that endanger your employees, especially marginalized employees.

      But ultimately this is a “boss won’t change, employee must choose accordingly” situation.

      Reply ↓
      1. Tradd*

        I will pass this wording along to Mary, thank you. From what she’s said, at least some of her coworkers are looking, but I’m not sure how the market is for their industry.

        Reply ↓
      2. MsM*

        Or at least respect their right to privacy and give them the opportunity to opt-out of having to be on the front lines of any fallout.

        Might also not hurt if they can find some examples of how other easily targeted companies and organizations handle it – I’m thinking journalists in areas without (ostensible) freedom of the press, who have to be reachable but also need to stay safe.

        Reply ↓
    4. Mark This Confidential And Leave It Laying Around*

      Yeah, this is performative activism, and this guy is really invested in his image. More than he’s invested in his employee’s safety and well-being. I think the employees need to brainstorm a way for him to save face while protecting them because he’s going to choose “Look at me! I’m so progressive!” over genuine problem solving every time.

      Reply ↓
    5. My Day (they/them)*

      Wow, how awful. Apart from getting a new job, if the EFF doesn’t recommend this already, I’d get a doorbell camera as well at home as stuff like locking down social media.

      At work, do you get calls from unknown numbers frequently- and if not, can employees pass out temporary Google Voice numbers or similar to their usual contacts? How secure is the location you work in? Is there a way you can make sure employees aren’t alone coming in or going out to and from a parking lot? Is there any building security? Can corporate email filters be leveraged to redirect harassing emails so they can be logged and employees don’t have to see them? You might not have the power to make some of these changes but it does sound like a situation that could escalate badly.

      Reply ↓
    6. Llellayena*

      “You are inadvertently creating a hostile environment for your minority employees. They are being harassed because of who they are due to your actions/posts. This is not being a good ally and could cause some of your employees to quit, leaving you with a much less diverse staff. Please remove identifying information about your staff from the website (and whatever else you want them to do at this point).” Maybe, just maybe, if you put it in terms that speaks to the things he’s trying to champion he’ll see the issue? It’s not necessarily a hostile WORK environment unless some of the harassment is happening at work or through work email, but it could get the ball rolling.

      Reply ↓
    7. Anonymous Cat*

      Is there a legal department people could talk to about wanting their personal information down? I would think it would be a legal nightmare if someone is physically attacked after getting their info from the site.

      To be clear— the owner can do whatever he wants with HIS personal info/photos/contact info, but his employees should be able to opt out.

      Reply ↓
    8. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Talk to an employment lawyer (or suggest to your boss that they may want to talk to an employment lawyer) about your company’s affirmative duty to prevent or abate a hazard of workplace violence. This is covered under both federal and state legislation. The company may also be liable to damages in a civil lawsuit.

      Reply ↓
  15. Just curious*

    I read an old AAM (from 2019 or thereabouts) back in the beginning of September by someone who dreamed that a co-worker died on Sept. 26 2024. They promised to update on that date. Did they update and I just missed it?

    Reply ↓
  16. call me wheels*

    Hi everyone, I asked a few weeks ago for advice on work trousers. I really appreciated all the imput and I ended up getting a pair from Next that were fine, but when I picked them up I randomly decided to check out Primark next door also and immediately found like a completely perfect and comfortable pair of trousers there. They look like smart trousers on the front but have an elasticated waist and a tie on the inside and they’re very soft and stretchy. I would have bought 2 but they only had 1 of my size left. Probably going to return the Next pair unworn now! Just mentioning here in case someone else might find those useful too.

    Starting the new job on Monday, nervous but I think it’ll be okay fingers crossed :) any first day tips appreciated!

    Reply ↓
    1. A large cage of birds*

      Don’t be afraid to ask questions, even if they seem silly. Sometimes they can forget to mention the obvious things. I’ve decided I’m just going to be that person who asks, and it’s served me well.

      Congrats on the new job!

      Reply ↓
    2. Name (Required)*

      Good luck! No tips except not to rush to judgment. First days can be hard, and aren’t necessarily a direct indication of how the job will be.

      Reply ↓
    4. ecnaseener*

      Oh and first day(s) tip — take notes even on things you think you’ll remember. You get a lot of info thrown at you and don’t have the context to fully internalize it yet, so it’s nice to have those notes later.

      Reply ↓
  17. WeirdChemist*

    How can I keep my coworkers from trying to invite me to their thanksgivings? I’m single and live on the other side of the country from the rest of my family. I’d rather save up my vacation time/airport energy to go home for Christmas than thanksgiving, so I’m planning on making myself a mini-feast and lounging in pajamas for the long weekend. The problem is, my coworkers keep a) asking about my thanksgiving plans and b) insisting that I instead join their families for dinner. As an introvert who genuinely enjoys cooking for myself, I’m really looking forward to my own plans and definitely don’t want to be awkwardly making small talk with a bunch of strangers!

    When I answer the initial question about my thanksgiving plans, I answer with a positive tone about how excited I am for my own plan, but I still usually get a response of “oh, you should come over to my thanksgiving!” I follow it with a “no really, I’m really looking forward to my own plans, thanks!”, and some people let it go, but others get really insistent, with some implied pity that I’m some poor tragic thing that *of course* shouldn’t be alone at thanksgiving! And of course, the pushiest people are the ones who would take it the most personally that I’m turning them down. I’m pretty sure one of my coworkers genuinely thinks I’m coming over, despite the fact that I’ve given her several direct “no I have my own plans”?? I don’t know how much more direct I can be…

    Reply ↓
    1. soontoberetired*

      I have never worked with people who are that pushy about other people’s private plans. It is so weird. You may try just giving them the bare minimum of information – just say I’m covered. Repeatedly. They are not owed your details.

      Reply ↓
      1. WeirdChemist*

        It is super weird! It’s definitely not everyone (most people accept the initial no thanks) it’s just a select few… Last year I managed to avoid getting asked about my plans before thanksgiving, and only got asked afterwards what I did. Which I think kick-started the pity with some people that they remembered I guess, because I got asked about my plans a *lot* more this year… part of the problem was someone asking me during a large meeting if I was going home for thanksgiving, to which I answered no, and most of my office heard… I’m also one of the youngest in my office, on of the very few that are unmarried, and also one of the few that don’t have any local family, so I definitely get the whole “oh you poor lonely, wayward soul” thing. I try to keep details to a minimum but some people are just so darn pushy!

        Reply ↓
        1. Hermione Danger*

          Maybe it’s time to invent a brand new partner you just met who you are so excited to be spending Thanksgiving with?

          Reply ↓
    2. Whale I Never*

      At this point I would start lying, tbh. Front-loading with excitement for your own plans would have been my initial answer, if people keep being pushy beyond that, then actually it turns out two friends you don’t see much reached out about Friendsgiving.

      Reply ↓
      2. Panicked*

        This is my suggestion too. “Oh thank so much for the invitation, but I’ve already got plans with friends!” Pop on a rerun of “Friends” at some point during the day and voila, no lie at all.

        Reply ↓
      1. Caramel & Cheddar*

        This. I thought maybe saying you’re hosting “Friendsgiving” could work (your friends are your pyjamas and couch) but that might invite participation inquiries from other people without plans, whereas “Childhood friend who you see very rarely is in town, how lovely!” doesn’t invite people to infringe on your plans.

        Reply ↓
      2. Analytical Tree Hugger*

        I like this idea, but would modify it to something like, “An old friend just moved into town with their family and they invited me to join them for Thanksgiving as a housewarming! Thanks for the invite though!”

        Because, with someone as pushy and boundary stomping as these coworkers, I could see them saying, “Bring your (imaginary old friend) with you! The more the merrier! Don’t you see how generous and what a good person I am?”

        Reply ↓
      3. Analytical Tree Hugger*

        I like this idea, but would modify it to something like, “An old friend just moved into town with their family and they invited me to join them for Thanksgiving as a housewarming! Thanks for the invite though!”

        Because, with someone as pushy and boundary stomping as these coworkers, I could see them saying, “Bring your (imaginary old friend) with you! The more the merrier!”

        Reply ↓
      4. Ama*

        I’m doing this with my mom this year because she understands me skipping one of Thanksgiving/Christmas to go to my husband’s family but if we decide not to do that (husband’s siblings are all in very different life stages, sometimes we can’t make the logistics work) she expects us to fly home for both holidays. I’m at a stage in my life where I have flown almost every Thanksgiving and Christmas for over two decades and sometimes my spouse and I like to have a quiet holiday without having to deal with holiday air travel, sleeping in an uncomfortable bed that’s not ours, not being with our pet, etc. My mom doesn’t understand this reasoning but she’s also never had to do a trip bigger than a 3 hour drive for a holiday and has rarely had an overnight stay, so she just doesn’t get how much it takes out of us.

        So this year we’re going for Thanksgiving but have told her we’re trying to get my husband’s brother and his wife to come visit us for Christmas — we actually have extended an invitation, but if it doesn’t happen to work out, oh well.

        Reply ↓
    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      It’s really ok to tell a white lie. “I accepted another invitation, but thank you!” would have been fine. You can’t really say that now– I mean, you COULD– but you can also just say you’re booked for the evening.

      A reminder that no one needs details. Ever. It’s totally fine to say, “Oh,thank you, I have somewhere to go on Thanksgiving.” They don’t need to know that “somewhere” is your couch. “I’m spending Thanksgiving with a friend.” They don’t need to know that your friend is a dog or a cat or a plant.

      Reply ↓
      1. Ann O'Nemity*

        This is probably what I would do, simply because it avoids the awkwardness that these pushy coworkers are creating.

        And it’s not really lying; you’re just being concise.

        “I accepted another invitation…” from myself.
        “I already have plans…” with myself.

        Reply ↓
        1. WeirdChemist*

          The problem is I am already telling them that I have plans! They’re just not accepting my answer… I’m probably going to go with several peoples suggestions of just straight up lying about a surprise friend coming to visit. I didn’t want to have to outright lie, but unfortunately the pushiest people will probably accept that answer better than my actual plans :/

          Reply ↓
          1. Analytical Tree Hugger*

            For what it’s worth, it’s not your job to manage someone else’s feelings or reactions. They’re adults, they can deal with the results of their own (odd) actions.

            Reply ↓
          2. Higher Ed Cube Farmer*

            If the problem is people not accepting your “no thanks” then they may not accept a lie about your conflicting plans as sufficient reason to back off either (friend visiting? why not bring your visiting friend. Is friend a date? what are you doing with friend? why can’t friend come too?) leading to either increasingly elaborated lies, or you eventually break down and give them the direct answer you should have originally, but now with a lot more uncomfortable emotion attached.

            When people are persistently pushy, I’m a big fan of returning awkward to sender early. If 2 attempts to set a boundary in a friendly, warm way aren’t accepted, the next time is going to be more direct: “I said no thank you.” “Asking again won’t change my answer.” “I can’t come because I don’t want to.” Still warm tone, and if they accept that and back off (even if defensively, like “I was just trying to be nice!”) I immediately pivot to something friendly and face-saving. If they push after that, my next response is still direct and no longer warm, and may include leaving the conversation. I have only rarely had to escalate to that level. The warm-direct boundary works with nearly everyone.

            Reply ↓
    5. Double A*

      You could say, “Just a small family thing at home!” You don’t have to mention that the only family there will be your chosen family of whatever book/movie/TV/just in your head characters you’re hanging out with for the day.

      Reply ↓
    6. AlabamaAnonymous*

      I am in the same situation! I am so looking forward to my introvert Thanksgiving — my goal is not to have to leave the house. I have cultivated a reputation for introversion at work, so most people just accept my plans as one of my quirks. But I know that doesn’t work for everyone. Do you have a pet? Or a houseplant that you could name? Then you say you are spending the holiday with your good friend George (or whatever). That might get them to leave you alone. I’ve even named my car Holly and would definitely use my friend Holly as an excuse for something like this if I needed to.
      And I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I will never understand why people are so pushy about things like this.

      Reply ↓
      1. WeirdChemist*

        Here’s to introvert thanksgiving! No leaving the house, no real pants, all Netflix :)

        And despite the fact that my coworkers always accept my answer of “how was your weekend” with “great, I did nothing and went nowhere!” as being fine, this has weirdly become a sticking point!

        Reply ↓
      2. Retirednow*

        As I have mentioned, I would worry about using a friend is coming over as the excuse – they may say to just bring them. I would go with a friend has offered to have you come to their Thanksgiving instead.

        Reply ↓
    7. Hlao-roo*

      Ugh, sorry some of your coworkers are being pushy about your Thanksgiving plans (which sound great to me!). I don’t love this answer, but can you tell them you’ve been invited to a local friend’s place for Thanksgiving and will be eating dinner there? That should satisfy their (weird and unreasonable) “WeirdChemist cannot be alone!” thoughts, and will get you out of further “what are your plans? you must come over to our place” conversations.

      If you don’t feel comfortable lying to your coworkers, keep on as you are, and they will realize you aren’t coming over when you simply don’t show up.

      Reply ↓
    8. jane's nemesis*

      Can you just make up a white lie and say you’ve decided to spend thanksgiving with your best friend since you can’t go home? So they won’t be worried you’re alone. Bonus points if you have a pet who is your best friend so you’re not even lying!

      Reply ↓
        2. Emotional support capybara (he/him)*

          I’d use the same three friends I split my “sharing size” M&Ms with: Me, Myself, and I.

          Reply ↓
    9. Spreadsheet Queen*

      You tell them you are having a couple of very close friends over. They don’t have to know that your close friends are actually cats. (Or dogs, or a parakeet and a fish).

      Reply ↓
    10. AnonyOne*

      It seems like there are two options, if she was a friend, I might say something like “Jane, I keep telling you this is what I am doing and want to do and you keep pushing back, what’s going on? / it’s started to feel like you are criticising my plans and I am sure that is not what you mean / can I ask you to drop it, this is genuinely what I want”.
      With a coworker, I might just lie “I have several Zooms planned with family during the day, and really want to connect with them that way, so really cannot join you, but thanks so much!”

      Reply ↓
      1. WeirdChemist*

        Saying that I’ll be on FaceTime with my family all day is actually a great idea! In reality I’ll probably FaceTime for like 20 minutes just to say high to everyone, but technically “I have plans with my family” isn’t a lie, and it will better get people of my back. Part of the problem is that I’m a) one of the youngest in the office, b) one of the very few unmarried people, and c) one of the few who’s not originally from the local area, so I tend to get a lot of “oh you poor wayward soul” type comments from people. So saying that I’m still connecting with my family might help a lot!

        Reply ↓
        1. AnonyOne*

          I always find that white lies that have some connection to reality are safest. If I said I had a friend coming, I would likely forget and give the “wrong” answer to something at some point, exposing the lie. With something like the call with family that actually happens although for less time than you implied, you are more likely to give an answer that lines up with what you told them (and as you are replying your brain has a chance to catch up and remember that you had exaggerated this story so you can remember to stick with it), plus it is a bit boring so there are fewer follow ups to deal with (how long did your friend stay, what did you do together, what did she think of the area, etc).
          This makes it sound like I spend far more time lying than is actually the case, but I see nothing wrong with a white lie to protect yourself when someone is being intrusive.

          Reply ↓
    11. learnedthehardway*

      Tell people you already have plans – you’re getting together with friends or perhaps family is coming in to visit you.

      Reply ↓
    12. KatStat*

      I was in a similar situation my first year in the workforce. I had just spent the prior nearly 4 months traveling 2 hours most weekends back to the city I had gone to school in to finish writing my master’s thesis. I turned in my thesis the Sunday before Thanksgiving and was really looking forward to being home alone for the holiday. My family lived across the country and I had to work Friday because I didn’t have enough vacation days to take that and also go for Christmas.

      The lady I shared an office with was so concerned that I was planning to spend Thanksgiving alone. She invited me to join her family (which included small children and extended relatives). I declined but she continued to invite me. In fact she even called me at home (pre cell phone days) on Thanksgiving morning to invite me again. I just kept saying that I was looking forward to a quiet day and had my meal all planned. I think she was truly baffled that anyone would want to spend the holiday alone.

      You sound like you are responding exactly right. Just emphasize that you are looking forward to your plans or maybe that you plan to Zoom into your family celebration.

      Reply ↓
    13. Stretchy McGillicuddy*

      oh yeah, people get really, really pushy if they think you are spending Thanksgiving alone. This is exactly what lying was invented for. For this year: “Actually I just signed up to volunteer at a [shelter/senior center/clown academy] for the day and I’m really looking forward to it.” In the future “Yep! I have 25 relatives coming over. So fun!”

      Reply ↓
    14. Qwerty*

      Can you say you have a virtual Thanksgiving planned with your family? Specifically timed near dinner. Combine this with being excited for the special day that you have planned for yourself.

      I ran into this a few years ago when an injury meant I couldn’t travel home. What is happening is your coworkers are imagining how sad they would be if they were alone. Being geniunely excited to be alone and gracious about their request went over well with me. I learned telling them how I had a special day for myself planned and not sharing the details was important (I spent the day doing laundry and cleaning my apartment – it was glorious and all the machines in our shared laundry room were free all day. This was an activity I learned not to share)

      Reply ↓
    15. Don't You Call Me Lady*

      Can you say “I’m having an old friend for dinner” in an educated sort of accent? This will let them know you already have plans, and also ensure they’ll never bother you with an invitation again

      Reply ↓
  18. bluedot*

    Yesterday there was casual talk of removing DEI from our company’s promotional materials. It was framed as: ‘we have to because of politics.’ Diversity is (I guess WAS) a core part of our values. Am I overreacting by being horrified? Everyone is acting like this is not a bit deal.

    Reply ↓
    1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      There’s a difference between what you do and what you advertise.

      All the things you should be doing while cognizant of DEI can still be done, but your management may decide there’s no advantage – and might be a disadvantage – in boasting about it on the website.

      So pay attention to the “what you do” part going forward.

      Reply ↓
      1. Higher Ed Cube Farmer*

        Yes, What Alton Brown’s Evil Twin said.

        My institution is a state college in FL, where the governor has legislatively prohibited use of state funding or institutional support for activities labeled DEI. Some departments scuttled their DEI committees, focus groups, or initiatives, as was presumably the governor’s intent. Some continue to operate but have stopped advertising. Some continue to operate or even expended their efforts and advertising but rebranded it as service enhancement initiatives, community-building, interdisciplinary collaboration, professional development, recruitment and retention strategies, and so on.

        Reply ↓
    2. Decidedly Me*

      I would be horrified, too. Some people may be thinking about it as JUST removing it from promotional materials, but if you’re afraid/ashamed/whatever to talk about DEI, you can’t have a good commitment to it.

      Reply ↓
      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        This! I would side eye any org that removed that from their material right now. It shows a lack of dedication and that they don’t have the courage of their convictions.

        Reply ↓
    3. Box of Kittens*

      “We have to because of politics” is such a lazy cop-out. But also, most companies only have DEI initiatives because of public opinion and politics; they’re definitely not doing it out of the goodness of their hearts so it’s not surprising. Which probably explains why no one around you is really reacting. Individuals might believe in DEI initiative but the corporate level follows the money and political incentives.

      Reply ↓
    4. Busy Middle Manager*

      Remember that alot of companies put out DEI statements/hired a DEI Director in 2020/2021 to copy what other companies do. Wall St is very fad driven, and while DEI isn’t necessarily a fad, putting the very-similar statements on your website, etc. and adding a DEI blurb to various reports is. Same way everyone mentions “AI” now even if they aren’t even talking about AI, but large language models or even just regular analysis, which drives me nuts

      I wouldn’t take it as a sign of what the company actually does

      Reply ↓
    5. Double A*

      Yes. People don’t need to capitulate because of what MIGHT happen in the future. This is how authoritarianism wins; people pre-emptively self-censor.

      Reply ↓
      1. SAW*

        This is exactly what I was going to say! I want to re-emphasize that we shouldn’t pre-emptively capitulate on our values.

        Reply ↓
    6. Caramel & Cheddar*

      I think the bigger thing would be to take stock of whether or not the existing DEI initiative were working / helping / improving your company. Did they decide that stuff was important but nothing changed about the makeup of your leadership team? The kind of leave you get? How sick days are managed? Who gets promotions? Etc. Removing DEI from your promo materials isn’t great, but I think it’s only worrying if the company was actually making good inroads on their DEI initiatives in the first place. If it was just the usual corporate DEI-washing to pretend they’re good corporate stewards or whatever, then it’s annoying but unsurprising.

      Reply ↓
    7. Ann O'Nemity*

      You’re right to be horrified. It shows you’re committed to fostering an inclusive and representative work environment, and that’s a very good thing!

      DEI has become highly politicized, especially in certain fields. Companies often have to navigate complex social and political pressures, and it’s increasingly common for organizations to face scrutiny for either embracing or distancing themselves from DEI.

      I’ve seen a lot of organizations, especially in education and public sector, shift the language to focus on inclusion and highlighting specific groups like veterans. It appears to be a strategy to continue the spirit of DEIA values while reducing political friction. “Inclusive” tends to be seen as a more universally accepted term and emphasizes the positive outcomes of diversity without triggering as much political debate.

      Reply ↓
    8. Tea Monk*

      I’m not horrified but feel cynical. Like they only cared about PoC or LGBT or disabled people when it was popular. But I understand companies don’t have souls and only care about money.

      Reply ↓
    9. Meep*

      I mean, I see where they are coming from? In this political climate it IS safer to remove it. Especially when new government leadership has been very open about how it will be going after minorities and businesses who support them. They can still do best DEI practices on “the down low”.

      Reply ↓
    10. Qwerty*

      It is promotional materials so I don’t put much stock in it to begin with? I feel like a companies do promotional things related to DEI whenever the liberal side is stronger but rarely make meaningful changes internally. When there are strong internal changes, they are impactful enough that you can advertise how great the company is without having to specifically call out DEI.

      It may also be worth reading Tradd’s post above to see why the company may be concerned. I would focus on how the internals of the company will operate more than what they put on a pamphlet.

      Reply ↓
    11. Morgi Corgi*

      No, you’re not overreacting. That IS horrifying and sending a clear message to people in marginalized communities. And I feel like DEI is needed now more than ever.

      Reply ↓
  19. Sloanicota*

    I have realized that my current job is extremely flexible, with a four day workweek, but there is no expectation of PTO whatsoever. Would you make the trade for a flexible 32 hour work week if you know you could never ever really be off? I’ve basically been making that trade for the past year, and I know it’s not that uncommon in small businesses, particularly in people like farmers.

    Reply ↓
    1. Sloanicota*

      Fully remote, to clarify, so you can even travel! (Not like a farmer). But boss won’t hesitate to text you about even relatively minor things and you’re kind of expected to make it work.

      Reply ↓
      1. Pool Noodle Barnacle Pen0s*

        How meaningful can a 32 hour work week possibly be if you’re never really “off”? If your boss can ping you for something and expect an asap response on day 5 of the week, then you don’t have a 4 day work week. Not worth it IMO.

        Reply ↓
    2. Friday Hopeful*

      As long as I could take time off (even if unpaid) I would take the flexibility if that makes you happiest. How much time off have you normally taken in past jobs? Does the wage you get paid make up for the wage you will miss when you take unpaid time?

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        You can take the time off, there’s just the ongoing expectation that you will still have to handle your stuff, and it will continue to come up when you’re “out.” We’re too small for anything else – I handle a specific sector and we don’t back each other up. So basically the tradeoff is you’re never really “on” all the way (because it’s totally flexible hours) but you’re also never really “off” all the way. I actually know a couple people who live like this now, post-Covid, with the way things got shuffled around. Like you don’t really take sick leave now unless you’re in a literal coma, because you can pretty much always check email at some point and respond to a few things that are time-sensitive, and that becomes the expectation.

        Reply ↓
    3. Decidedly Me*

      Do you not get PTO or just when taking it, you’re still going to get bothered? If the latter – how much are you bothered during PTO and how much work do you end up putting in on those days?

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        The latter. You get PTO and can take it, but there’s no ability to actually be sure you won’t get that call (and you do often do – but it may just be one quick thing?). In four years here I don’t think I’ve ever taken more than one day off without having to log back in to deal with something or at least fielding texts and calls from my coworkers. Now I also sort of do it to myself also. My boss is the exact same or probably worse.

        Reply ↓
    4. Caramel & Cheddar*

      The flexibility sounds like it’s theirs, not yours. You might get four days per week, but they get the flexibility of basically having you on call all the time. When do you get to unwind and recharge?

      I want a four day workweek, but not at the expensive of never being able to go on vacation and be unbothered.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        I have come to realize I’ve always had a messed up relationship with PTO lol. At my first job I was the only employee so me being out was a huge inconvenient burden to everyone so I just never did it, except when the office itself was closed. My second job, my boss used his PTO to work remotely (because that office had no remote work). So he would take a sick day because he wanted to be able to work from home, and he encouraged us to do the same as “mental health days” which I only realized later was kind of messed up. And this job, my boss is never unreachable. But like I said, I realize that sounds a bit messed up in a white collar office job but I think is the default if you’re, say, a restaurant owner, or even the highest manager at a restaurant, no?

        Reply ↓
    5. Strive to Excel*

      No. I want a nice quiet in-office 8-5 where once I shut my computer for the day I’m done.

      But it’s really up to individual taste.

      Reply ↓
    6. ecnaseener*

      Is it flexible, or is it just a short week? (Don’t get me wrong, a 4-day week sounds divine.) Like, can you choose the 4 days? Can you work 5-day weeks if you want comp time for a vacation?

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        It’s 8 hours M-Thurs, but also very flexible within that time – I can work from anywhere, take a long talk in the middle of the day as long as I have my phone with me, go to a doctor’s appointment and just make up the time in the evening, etc. I’m not trying to complain here, I think this is a pretty good deal on the whole, I’m just not sure I would have gone for it if it it was explained this way at the outset.

        Reply ↓
  20. Red*

    I need a script for how to handle the political talk in the office or at least reconcile what I’m hearing with what I think of these people. I’m a blue voter in a red area of a blue state. My coworkers all voted for the red president as well as some pretty dark resolutions on our state ballots. After the election when everyone of course was talking about the results they revealed why they voted the way they did. Two workers voted to punish others and the rest kind of just agreed that yeah that was reasonable. Unfortunately, though they don’t know it, I’m one of the people they voted to ‘punish’.
    I know it’s not my job to persuade others or reason with them, but it’s alarming knowing I’m likely unsafe at work because of this should my full circumstances be revealed to them. Just how do I cope?

    Reply ↓
    1. Colette*

      There are a variety of things you can do, and it’s up to you what you choose.

      1) Do nothing or nod along. It’s OK to do that to keep yourself safe.

      2) Push back (mildly). “Wow.” “That’s a really awful way to talk about people.” “You’re saying that about people I love.”

      But I think it’s OK if you let this information affect your relationships with your coworkers. You still have to be civil and work with them, but you don’t have to do anything more.

      Reply ↓
    3. Pocket Mouse*

      If you understand “punish” to mean harm and you feel unsafe, that sounds like something to take to HR (if they exist). Unless HR is truly terrible, I think anyone would be on solid ground to alert them to threats of violence from staff, heard in a discussion that occurred in the workplace, and ask how they plan to ensure there is no violence in the workplace or between staff members. If they meant it another way, like sabotaging professional reputations, that’s also something HR should know about and have/make a plan to prevent. It’s alarming indeed.

      Reply ↓
  21. Friday Hopeful*

    Question for bookkeepers and accountants-
    I do a lot of freelance bookkeeping work and I have a new client who I will be working for part time. I am replacing someone who worked as their “bookkeeper” also but they were in actuality and accountant. Some of the work they did is way beyond what I’ve ever done for any other clients and beyond my know-how. I have general accounting knowledge but I do not have an accounting degree. My question is what exactly would they expect me to do when it comes to projections (for paying taxes) and end of year adjustments that the accountant has come to rely on their current bookkeeper to do? I’m trying to explain this to them (in case they want to find someone else) but I am not sure where the line is drawn between bookkeeping and accounting in this case. Should I be expected to know about projections and carry forwards etc. as a bookkeeper? This has always been something I did not touch for any other clients (mostly I’m doing cleints’ daily write up, bank and credit card reconciliations, payables, sales tax returns and sometimes entering their payroll). Thanks in advance!

    Reply ↓
    1. Strive to Excel*

      For purposes of your client, the most important thing is that they get a very clear understanding of what work you can and cannot do for them. Different firms provide different services; if the firm of you cannot provide this service, then it can’t provide this service.

      In a broader context, yes, I’d expect a bookkeeper to know some of the basics of year-end and higher level concepts as well as being able to do basic entry, but not to the extent where I’d assume it. Bookkeeper can be a pretty broad range of skills, and it’s common for year-end reconciling entries and other more complex accounting items to be filed under “accounting” while recording is filed under “bookkeeping”. I’d recommend learning more about it though!

      For US taxes specifically, you might want to look into Licensed Tax Preparers and what specific restrictions they are expected to operate on. Once you start doing tax work there’s a certain amount of duty of care that you might be liable for (which is why I don’t do other people’s taxes).

      Reply ↓
  22. audra*

    How long is too long to be waiting on a response to an offer? I received an offer for an internal position on a Friday afternoon and promptly proposed a counteroffer the following Monday. It has now been two weeks since the offer, with no formal response to what I proposed. Is this normal?

    The last time I asked for an update was last week, and I was told I would likely not hear anything back until the end of this week. It is now Friday without any news. I know several people have been out of the office affecting the approval, so I’m unsure if I should ask for another update or that’s annoying.

    Reply ↓
    1. dulcinea47*

      Too soon! Wait ’til like, next Tuesday at least. Then you can ask again based on what you’ve been told… but also, you don’t need to. If they had something to tell you they would.

      Reply ↓
    2. ExtraFewDays*

      I always give them 2-3 extra days before following up asking about status unless there’s some type of external pressure requiring a faster response (for example, getting another offer).

      Good luck!

      Reply ↓
  23. Learned Responses*

    I have a mostly good boss who has told me multiple times that I’m an invaluable part of our small organization and that I do great work. I believe he feels that way.

    I come from tech and have been laid off from almost every job I’ve ever had – many times within a year, and even from some contracts when I’ve taken such work. I have predicted my last 7-8 layoffs, but I have also been certain I was getting laid off at times when the signs had started but not fully realized yet (these situations always progressed to layoffs later).

    My current boss asked to speak to me 1-1 Wednesday afternoon and I immediately assumed I was getting laid off. Except I intellectually knew that was ridiculous and I didn’t really expect it to happen the same way I had known in the past. I mostly dismissed it as an active thought pretty quickly. The thought stayed in the back of my head until the call though (which, as expected was definitely not about being laid off).

    I suspect there are some elements of PTSD at play (although I certainly haven’t been diagnosed and am not currently planning to seek out a diagnosis), but even if not it’s clearly a learned response to repetitive negative experience.

    Anyone have tips or tricks for dealing with this type of learned emotional response? Thank you in advance, and please respect that I am not looking to pursue therapy at this time.

    Reply ↓
    1. LuckySophia*

      You now have a new, valid data point: that an invitation to a 1-on-1 does not equal “layoff.”
      Keep reminding yourself of that data. I suspect, over time you will amass more such data points. As they accumulate, they should start to outweigh the past data points that were layoffs.

      Reply ↓
    2. Decidedly Me*

      Have you asked your boss if they can include a reason/agenda for meetings with you? I’ve worked with a lot of people with histories of layoffs and this is a pretty common ask. Even if you don’t want to ask as an overall thing, you can ask in the moment, too.

      Reply ↓
  24. LittleBeans*

    I supervise a small, close knit team. When there was recently the opportunity to redistribute job duties, I consulted with each person about options that were related to work they were already doing and that I thought fit their expressed areas of interest and growth, and then updated job descriptions accordingly. At this time, one of my direct reports, Taylor, took on increased responsibilities at a level that I thought justified a change in working title that sounds more prestigious, even though it was not officially a promotion or job change. Taylor had been doing some of the work that justified the new working title for quite a while already. One of my other direct reports, Alex, is now upset that they didn’t get the opportunity to apply for the new working title. We could also change Alex’s title but that would really just feel like window dressing at this point, and I don’t think would resolve Alex’s feelings about not being offered the option in the first place.

    Part of the problem is that Taylor and Alex have very different work styles. They get along well enough, but their strengths are in very different areas and I think they may sometimes have difficulty recognizing the strengths that the other brings to our team. The current situation makes it seem like I value Taylor’s work more than Alex’s, which I don’t think it is true — it’s just that Taylor’s strengths are more suited to the specific job duties that prompted this change.

    I am not sure how to respond or proceed. This wasn’t a new job being created (we checked with HR) and didn’t require being posted for open recruitment. From having worked with my whole team for several years, I felt confident that Taylor had the skills and experience to be the right person for this change. At the same time, Alex is a great employee, and I don’t want them to continue to feel demoralized.

    Reply ↓
    1. Sloanicota*

      If you truly value Alex’s experience just as much, can you craft a title with Alex that feels more prestigious but also accurate to their strengths, and discuss it with them? You may also need to clarify the other title isn’t really a raise or promotion, Alex may assume it is.

      Reply ↓
    2. Annony*

      I think you need to acknowledge the situation and then talk about Alex’s goals and what you can do to help them achieve those goals. You gave Taylor an opportunity that you did not give Alex. That wasn’t the wrong decision but it was a decision you made. So explain why Alex was unable to apply (Taylor already doing most of the work, the additional tasks fitting Taylor’s skillset and interests better, this is not a new position). Also, presumably Alex did not express interest in taking on those tasks when you met. Then talk about what a promotion path looks like for Alex. What are the potential options. What will they have to do to be seriously considered? If you want to avoid Alex being demoralized, give them something to work towards so they don’t feel stuck.

      Reply ↓
    3. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

      Is there a path forward for Alex to get a more prestigious working title? It seems Alex wants that.

      Reply ↓
      1. LittleBeans*

        Yes, I think this is it. Alex knew about the changing responsibilities in advance and didn’t indicate to me that they were interested in the specific things that Taylor was taking on. They only let me know that they were upset after I announced the change in title.

        We’ve discussed it and I do think there is a pathway to changing Alex’s working title, either immediately or based on some major changes I expect to come in the next year or so. But it’s watered down by having multiple people with the more prestigious sounding titles — like you know how some places just call everyone a Director even their entry level employees?

        Reply ↓
        1. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

          I’m confused because it sounded like Taylor got Prestigious Title for doing Prestigious Title work. It’s not an entry level employee is a “Director” situation.

          If Alex can do Prestigious Title work and there’s a path for that, how does that water down the title earned?

          Reply ↓
        2. Annony*

          I think you have some cognitive dissonance that is making it difficult to decide what to do. You cannot say that you value Alex’s and Taylor’s contributions equally and that their work is on the same level while also arguing that Taylor deserves a more prestigious title than Alex. It is ok if Taylor and Alex are not equals but at some point you either need to acknowledge that while both are great employees, Taylor is working on higher level tasks than Alex or give Alex the title bump to be equal if he does actually deserve that.

          Reply ↓
  25. Annony*

    How long should I wait to ask about the offer letter after I have been given a verbal offer? I was given an amazing verbal offer yesterday morning and was told that an offer letter would be emailed by the recruiter in the next 24 hours. I haven’t received it yet. Do I wait until Monday to follow up? I would be contacting the recruiter directly to ask about timeline and next steps to make sure I did not misunderstand not just asking where the letter is.

    Reply ↓
    1. CTT*

      I think wait at least until end of the day – whoever is working in the letter probably has Friday in their mind as the deadline, not 24 hours after your call.

      Reply ↓
  26. Alexander Graham Yell*

    I think we’re going to have to let somebody on our team go pretty soon, and it really sucks. It’s not a job where he can be successful, we’ve worked with him for months to try to help him reach the necessary standard and he’s not able to sustain improvement. All signs point to parting ways being the right choice, but on a personal level it’s miserable. (I’m not even the one who will have to make the decision/have the conversation, but I’m currently managing his main project so my feedback carries the most weight.) It’s the holidays, he’s just gotten married…I know it’s the right move and it won’t happen without us having worked hard with him to try to avoid it, but ugh.

    Reply ↓
    1. Sloanicota*

      Advocating for early notice and generous severance and not fighting unemployment is the kindest thing you can do here. Maybe this employee will even be relieved to be out of a situation where they’re not successful with some breathing room to regroup.

      Reply ↓
      1. Alexander Graham Yell*

        None of those are things I’m in charge of, but they’re all things I can advocate for – thank you for the ideas!

        Reply ↓
  27. CherryBlossom*

    I recently started a job that is several levels above my experience; think an entry level clerk hired as Head of Accounting. I was upfront in the interview about my experience and was clear that I didn’t fit a lot of their qualifications, but they still hired me. I would’ve turned it down, but I need the money.

    Now I’m floundering, stressed to dread, and I know I’m going to crash and burn. I cant afford to not be working, or else I’d quit and focus on the job hunt.

    So my question is; how do I survive a job I am not qualified for, for as long as possible, so I can keep food on table and my family fed?

    Reply ↓
    1. M2*

      Has your new job offer training? Asked to be trained by someone there and by a program or some kind of class. We had someone come to our organization who we saw had some gaps, so HR and someone in leadership team found an online program and then an in-person development conference for them to attend. It didn’t fill all the gaps, but the person got better and then someone extra was hired to offset some other aspects of the role.

      If your company is not supporting you in this way, then can you ask colleagues for assistance? I would be working but then apply for jobs and for your network at night and on weekends if you’re worried that you will need to leave.

      If you don’t do something right and it has lasting consequences (like accounting) just make sure you double check or ask a colleague or your manager you trust to look over your work. They clearly saw something in you to hire you so also if it isn’t something lasting if you make a mistake then just Fake it til you make it.

      More than a decade ago that happened to me and I was so scared and worried and stressed that I eventually told them I didn’t have the qualifications and quit. I look back and I didn’t even give myself a chance and should have asked my team for assistance. I didn’t even give myself 3-6 months to improve I quit after a month (granted it was a stressful environment). I regret not giving myself a chance and letting the fear and negativity get in. I look back and realize I could have done that job and done a great job, if only I took some time to believe in myself, attend meetings and listen, and do some training on my own at night. A lot of it was learn on the job, which was scary for me. Fun fact: I bumped into my old boss from that role 5 years later as he was working on something my organization was too. I did a great job, he told me I did a great job, and we had a quick conversation about what happened. He understood, didn’t hold it against me and told me he knew I had it in me. So it was nice to close that chapter of my life.

      Reply ↓
      1. Busy Middle Manager*

        I don’t know, I work adjacent to accounting, and maybe this is a high-regulation state thing, but there are all sorts of filings, fees, taxes, audits by random departments, etc. that come in that no one in HR or something is going to know about, in order to turn it into a training module.

        CherryBlossom* – I’m concerned for you. Is there someone you can be upfront with? Maybe take a demotion if one is available? Do you want to be more specific with what you’re struggling with here?

        Reply ↓
        1. CherryBlossom*

          My main issue is that this role requires a lot of initiative and being able to role with vague guidelines, and I’ve never needed to build those types of skills. In most of my previous roles, I was told what to do and how to do it, and all that mattered was that it was done. Being in charge isn’t something I can learn from a training module (I have tried). I’ve been fired for lack of initiative and inability to work independently in the past, and I can already tell my current manager is unimpressed with my constant questions and need for clarification.

          There’s no demotion available, and I am still job hunting for positions closer to what I’m good at. Between then and now, I really just need advice on how to bluster my way into not being fired before the new year.

          Reply ↓
    2. Name (Required)*

      Ask as many questions as you can, take copious notes and refer to them, ask for resources, and do the best you can. They hired you knowing your experience, so they shouldn’t expect you to hit the ground running.

      Reply ↓
  28. Peanut Person*

    I hope this doesn’t break unspoken rules, either of AAM or the industry… but this curious mind wants to know:

    for those who are/were librarians, I recently learned a a few things:
    libraries pay upwards of $100k per month for Hoopla, Libby, Kanopy, etc.
    Libby e-books and audiobooks have a limited number of checkouts before they are no longer in the system. So basically libraries don’t buy them, but they are renting them.
    Physical books are actually MORE cost than if an individual were to buy new from a bookstore. (Like new hardcovers cost about $28 now, but library copies cost more than that).

    Is this stuff true? do you have other facts that would surprise people?

    also I was wondering about how much it costs the library per inter-library loan? I figured that there might be a cost for shipping, but is there more? I’m about to start using this system a bit, but would it be better to suggest more titles for purchase or ask for them loaned?

    Reply ↓
    1. Paris Geller*

      libraries pay upwards of $100k per month for Hoopla, Libby, Kanopy, etc.
      E-material platforms are very expensive for libraries, but I personally don’t know of any library spending $100k PER MONTH on those platforms! Possible if it’s one of the biggest systems in the nation–most platforms like that have tiers that libraries pay depending on their service population.

      Libby e-books and audiobooks have a limited number of checkouts before they are no longer in the system. So basically libraries don’t buy them, but they are renting them.
      True. We either get licenses for the number of checkouts or for a set number of years, and they’re very expensive. It’s not uncommon to pay $100+ for an eaudio-book for two years.

      Physical books are actually MORE cost than if an individual were to buy new from a bookstore. (Like new hardcovers cost about $28 now, but library copies cost more than that).
      In my experience, false. We buy hardbacks and we get a discount. Most hardbacks I buy cost around $15. Now, a lot of vendors will sell library binding editions that are reinforced to hold up to more repeated wear, and those can be more expensive. My system personally doesn’t use those very often for adult materials (what I buy) because the cost isn’t worth it since we can get a good number of circulations out of an item before it falls apart most of the time. We’re more likely to buy library binding for children’s materials because kids tend to be rougher on their books.

      I was wondering about how much it costs the library per inter-library loan? I figured that there might be a cost for shipping, but is there more?
      We have to pay for the ILL platform and shipping, but we also get some reimbursement back from the state at the end of the year since it’s a state-wide system. Generally, if you’re asking for obscure or niche items, it’s better to request through ILL. If you’re requesting more popular fiction titles that others are likely to check out, it might be better to suggest a purchase request.

      Reply ↓
      1. Paris Geller*

        Looking at this, I realize I should have said “it depends” on physical items being more expensive! It definitely can be, but not necessarily.

        I’m also not a selector for media (DVDs, etc.) and never have been, so I have no idea about how the pricing works for that.

        Reply ↓
    2. Kimmy Schmidt*

      Hoooooo boy. The answer to so many of these things is It Depends on tons and tons of factors, and it’s going to be different for every library, state, and consortium. Based on my own experience in academic libraries across states in the South and Mid Atlantic, these are my reactions.

      A. Kanopy is particularly egregious in the spend category as evidenced by the 2019-2020 issues written about the New York Public Library, but the vast majority of libraries are not spending 100K a month (or even a year). The biggest problem with Kanopy is that the library doesn’t know how much it’s going to cost. There are different ways to configure Kanopy, but a library could set it up so that all content is potentially accessible. The license spend isn’t triggered until someone views a Kanopy film (defined as watching more than 30 seconds, if I remember correctly), so it’s possible to get All The Views triggered at once and bam, budget blown. However, many libraries make it so you have to request a specific film and it doesn’t trigger automatically so they’re better able to keep track of the budget. Most content in Kanopy ranges from $150-$300. It is more expensive that what a normal streaming/DVD purchase would be for citizens because it includes Public Performance Rights.
      B. If it comes in a package, database, or from a vendor, libraries are almost always renting year-to-year rather than buying outright (with some exceptions – primarily primary source databases). However, some libraries purchase ebooks outside of packages and these are generally permanently “owned”. Depending on how a library catalog and discovery is set up, it can sometimes be impossible to tell from the user side which one it is.
      C. For my library experience, this one is… kinda true. We don’t get slapped with a “library upcharge”, but we’re often working through specific companies that sell directly to libraries, rather than something like Amazon. Sticker prices tend to remain more stable (unlike Amazon deals of the day/week/month/whatever fluctuates their fancy), although we do occasionally get discounts and are often purchasing materials tax-free. Generally speaking though, it’s not much more per book.
      D. ILL also really depends. Are you getting physical materials? Some libraries and consortiums have shipping agreements in place for specific locations to make it cheaper, but if you’re outside of those locations it can be pretty expensive, around $30-$50, more for delicate, oversized, rare, or weird resources. Digital materials? There may be extensive hidden copyright costs that the library covers that you don’t see. Again, many libraries have agreements in place to make this cheaper (for example, my academic library can borrow from the same journal up to five times in a year before we incur costs). And since ILL is dependent on the lending library, that lending library may have additional policies that they’d like you to follow, even if your borrowing library doesn’t.

      As far as if which one would be better, ask your local librarians! They’ll have a much better sense of the hidden features of their budget and what would make most sense and be most likely to be approved.

      Reply ↓
    3. LibrarianAdjacent*

      Hi – can’t answer for all libraries, but I can tell you about my library’s situation (I work at a public library):

      -we do pay quite a bit for the digital content services. The high cost is because it’s per use (we pay every time someone uses the material), and there’s currently no way to cap it.
      -we have Libby, and we have a collection of physical audiobooks on CD. I don’t know much about the Libby collection, but we do try to get the more popular titles in our own physical collection.
      -we actually get considerable discounts on physical books, because we order from a supplier that specializes in libraries. The only “markup” I see on physical copies is for large-type books (which use up more physical materials and aren’t usually discounted), and children’s nonfiction books, where a book that would be a paperback in a bookstore is given a “library use” hard cover, to make it stand up to frequent use.
      -interlibrary loan differs from state to state, and even from library to library. We are part of a county-wide consortium (which we pay into), as well as a state-wide interlibrary system (which we don’t pay into). It may be a good idea to ask your local library’s staff about the titles you’d like to use, and how they could help you in getting them.

      Hope this helps!

      Reply ↓
    5. KatCardigans*

      I can’t speak to all of this, but it’s certainly not always true that libraries pay more for physical books. There’s a special type of binding that usually costs a bit more (literally called library binding—it’s more durable, so the idea is that you are getting your money’s worth in the long run), and there is a cost to processing a book so that it can be put on the shelf (wrapping in plastic, putting on the labels and any security tags, getting the thing into the computer, etc.). Some libraries do that in-house; others don’t. I am at a school library, and we rarely pay more than standard list price for the book, but we do pay our book supplier for wrapping, labeling, and cataloging our books according to the structure we have set up—it saves a LOT of time on our end, so that is well worth it. When I worked at a public library in a neighboring county, I know for a fact that some of our books were bought at wholesale pricing.

      Ebooks and audiobooks can be very expensive for libraries, yes. 100k/month does not sound accurate for most library systems, though—that’s over a million dollars a year! My local library system’s budget is around 12 million a year, and 3/4 of that goes to salaries and benefits. We have Hoopla and Overdrive, and while I don’t know the current figures, there’s simply no way they are paying that much for it. Also, libraries can and do add restrictions to stuff like Hoopla to make is more financially feasible—you can block titles that are especially expensive, and you can restrict the number of checkouts your patrons can have per month. My library system did that recently—we’re now at 3 checkouts/month on Hoopla.

      ILL costs vary. A couple of things to consider about stuff like ILL: a) it’s probably already budgeted for. If your system has caps on how many you can request, that’s why, and b) libraries want circulation of all types! Use their services so they know which ones are working out for their patrons! You could certainly ask a librarian at your local library about ILLs vs. a purchase request—especially if the book you want seems like something that other patrons in your area might be likely to read, vs. something super niche—but as a patron, don’t feel bad about using the services the library provides.

      I would also note that research databases are extremely expensive, although public libraries and schools often have access through state consortiums and such, so it’s not necessarily coming out of the library budget, but it’s certainly a concern for academic libraries. At my private school, our database costs are several times the cost of what we spend on books and other materials per year.

      Reply ↓
  29. Mad Scientist*

    Ladies! What’s everyone doing for morning routines before work these days? Especially if you work in person rather than remote? Do you have a different routine for everyday vs. important meetings? Do you go to work in a full face of expensive makeup, totally bare faced, or somewhere in between?

    Let’s share tips, tricks, favorite products, etc!

    Reply ↓
    2. 8675309*

      No make up most of the time; eyebrow pencil, a little color and mascara when I want to give my coworkers a treat. haha

      Of course, I have never been much into make up and do not “do” my hair (I do not even own a blow dryer despite having hair down to the middle of my back).

      Re: products – I love E.L.F. Women-owned. Super into purpose. They don’t test on animals. VERY inexpensive. Otherwise, Cerave for my skin care, mostly.

      Reply ↓
    3. Strive to Excel*

      I don’t have a routine but would love recommendations on how to do makeup when you don’t like the feel of things on your face! It’s not even a question of skin irritation, just Face Sensations Bad.

      Reply ↓
      1. MsM*

        What specifically sets you off? Heavy? Sticky? Being able to feel literally anything? (Regardless, I think you’re going to want to look for products that are lightweight and dry down quickly if they’re liquid/creams.)

        Reply ↓
      2. Mad Scientist*

        I can be a bit sensitive to this too, or at least similar issues (e.g. mascara makes me feel like my top and bottom eyelashes are always sticking together and it drives me crazy). Do you feel the same way about skincare products like cleansers and moisturizers as well? I use tinted moisturizer instead of foundation, which you might find more tolerable than other makeup. It also helps if I apply it shortly after washing my face so that my brain kinda registers it as part of washing my face.

        Reply ↓
    4. Panicked*

      I get up, shower, brush my teeth, have coffee, etc… no matter what schedule I’m working. On my remote days, I just get dressed casually, no makeup. On in office days, I’m in full-face makeup. I’ve been loving lip stains lately, as they wear off nicely and I don’t have to reapply more than once during the day.

      Reply ↓
      1. Mad Scientist*

        I typically wear a full face on my in-office days and no makeup on my WFH days as well, but lately I’ve been feeling like those are two extremes and I want to find more a middle ground. But whenever I do makeup that’s less than a full face, it just doesn’t look quite right! I wish I could be brave enough to go into the office bare faced, I know plenty of people who do, but I do feel like it affects the way I’m perceived and then that affects my confidence. I guess there’s no way around that though.

        Reply ↓
    5. In the middle*

      I’m a middle aged teacher (40s cis/het/white lady). I’ve been doing the same thing for a millions years, so don’t look to me for inovation but my everyday is:

      1. under eye brightener: Maybelline Instant Age Rewind Eraser (foundation brush to smooth)
      2. cream blush from cheeks to temple: essence | Baby Got Blush (30 | Rosé All Day) -beauty blender or fingers to blend
      3. Powder- all over but the blush area to set under eye and even out the rest
      Chanel ULTRA LE TEINT Ultrawear All-Day Comfort Flawless Finish Compact Foundation (studpid expensive. worth it)-with an old Dior Kabuki brush
      4.gently fill brows with an e.l.f. eyebrow powder. I have big brows (think Brooke Shields) and love them
      5. Black eyeliner-top lid only- Stila Stay All Day eyeliner
      6. Mascara if I remember-still don’t have a brand I love, I hop around.
      7. lipstick sometimes, but I usually get sick of it after half an hour.

      Reply ↓
    6. Ruby Tuesday*

      I’m on-site 3 days a week, and most of the time I am by far the most “dressed up” person in the office. I have too many cute, work appropriate clothes to let languish in my closet. But it depends on the day too. One day I’ll have black jeans, black heels, a blazer, cami, and red lipstick. The next I might not be in the mood for that and I’ll wear cargo pants, t shirt, cardi, and Birkenstock clogs. Always some make-up, though – at least brows, mascara, lip gloss.
      I was told at a previous job, I’m usually giving Nordstrom vibes, but then randomly will show up looking like I’m going to the gym (think Lululemon type stuff). Sounds accurate lol

      Reply ↓
    7. Jessica Ganschen*

      I’ve never been much of a makeup person, so that remains the same, especially since I’m still masking. Pretty much the only thing I do besides basic hygiene is use a little leave-in conditioner and finger curl a couple locks of hair that frame my face. However, I’d love to hear some recommendations for chapstick/lip balm/lotion. Winter really takes a toll on my hands and lips.

      Reply ↓
      1. MsM*

        Lanolips is good if you need something multiuse and really heavy duty, but I think Burt’s Bees is a nice drugstore option.

        Reply ↓
    8. 40+*

      Well, (I’m 40+), my hairdresser convinced me to try to wash my hair every other day, so, I”ll blow out day one, and then wrap it in a t-shirt to shower and do dry shampoo and vertical waves day two so my hair is always ‘done’, regardless of my day. Saves time on day two, which I like. A few years ago when I felt I needed to up my routine, I watched a bunch of Dominique Sachse youtubes and got some great tips there (she was a news broadcaster and shares TV ready tips & makeup reccs). I really like Tarte face tape when I need more coverage, otherwise I just use IT Cosmetics CC+ Powder. Urban decay liner & eyeshadow, Honest Beauty Bright eyes tinted eye cream and Tarte mascara everyday. I don’t really change up my hair/makeup, it’s more that I’ll wear more formal clothes for more important meeting days. Hope that helps!

      Reply ↓
    9. Pam Adams*

      Student-facing higher ed. Bare-faced, campus polo or t-shirt, black pants. On wth days I might stay in a house dress.

      Reply ↓
    10. Pentapus*

      I do nothing special. I usually shower at night, so not in the morning. no makeup. I sometimes bike to work, sometimes drive. so I’m conscious of picking the right clothes for the right situation. sometimes I bring different clothes to change into, sometimes I throw the skirt from my drawer. I’d wear cute clothes more often, but experience tells me no one notices.

      Reply ↓
    11. JMR*

      Also a scientist! I feel weird with a completely bare face (we can unpack that some other time) so I do wear light make-up, but I’m not all that talented with make-up, so I keep it basic: A powder foundation, a powder blush, a neutral-ish eye shadow (my go-to is Bare Minerals in the shade Bare Skin, which is sort of a peachy nude, but it does have a bit of shimmer to it), and mascara. I don’t do complicated eyeshadow looks; it’s one color all over the lid. I’m in my mid-40s and I have noticed that most of the younger RAs around here don’t wear eyeshadow, even though they will wear foundation, blush, and eyeliner.

      I’ve never been sure whether make-up actually does anything to enhance my appearance or whether it simply makes me look “finished.” Like, does my eyeshadow actually my eyes look bigger and brighter, or does it just make me look like a person who is wearing eyeshadow? I don’t know, but it’s not a time-consuming or expensive regimen and old habits are hard to break, so here we are.

      Reply ↓
  30. Anon for this and that*

    A loved one recently encountered this situation at work and I wanted to ask the community for your thoughts. 

    Loved One’s boss physically resembles an abuser from their past, to the point of being a doppelganger. Boss is not abusive, but is a micromanager with a cold and prickly communication style, so Loved One doesn’t have many positive experiences of working with them to balance out the massive negative that Boss’s physical appearance is triggering their memories of abuse on a daily basis. 

    In this situation… where an employee is having trouble working with someone for a reason like this… what options exist? It doesn’t seem feasible (or wise) to go to HR and say, “I need a transfer because my boss is unwittingly triggering my PTSD just by existing.” Do they look for a new job? Ask for a transfer with a trumped-up excuse? Engage in intensive therapy to try to mentally untangle their boss from their previous abuser? All of the above? 

    Fortunately for Loved One, there was a reorg for unrelated reasons and they now have a different boss, so it’s mostly academic at this point. Just wondered what the community would think. Thanks <3

    Reply ↓
    1. Strive to Excel*

      Oof.

      I’d probably vote for “look for a new job”. If you feel HR is very sympathetic and there’s likely to be crossover skills, you could try asking for a transfer, but if a company hires you for a specific position it might be hard to argue under the ADA that moving is a reasonable accommodation.

      Reply ↓
    3. MsM*

      I mean, I think “boss’s management style doesn’t mesh with how I prefer to work” is reason enough if they have to justify requesting a transfer, assuming they even need to bring boss into it and can’t just play up something about the transfer that’s genuinely more in alignment with what they want to be doing or a good skill-building opportunity.

      Reply ↓
    4. Unkempt Flatware*

      Ah, yeah, I’m sorry but it seems the only option is to look for a new job. It sucks but there is nothing to be done.

      Reply ↓
  31. Yoga Ball*

    Happy Friday everyone.

    I need some advice from people in busy and/or dysfunctional workplaces and keeping a good work life balance.

    I started a new job and it’s not toxic (yet) but man, it’s dysfunctional. It feels like everything is urgent when it’s not. I keep getting new projects. No one knows wtf my role is supposed to do.

    I’ve given up trying to Fix Everything because I’m basically a middle manager. I can feel myself getting burnt out already. At this point, I’m dedicated to doing my work and not overextending myself, but it’s really hard to do as I have a tendency to help and say yes to things — and I’m still a bit confused on the big picture of my job.

    Either way, I am not going to hurt myself over my job yet again. What are some solid tips for keeping the work life balance balanced? Here’s some things I’ve considered:

    – Sticking to my actual work hours and not taking work home (I do fear this will result in not getting all my projects done though.)
    – Considering if I can actually help before saying yes, and seeing if I can take something off my plate first
    – Not working on weekends
    – Trying to not take things personally
    – Remembering that a job is not my life. I am more than a career. (This one is HARD, especially working in a non-profit.)

    These feel like big tips, wondering if anyone has other tips or things I can remember about work life balance from day to day? Thank you!

    Reply ↓
    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      I think these are all the big ones, but I’d also be clear with your boss about what you can realistically accomplish so that inevitably can’t get done on their timeline because you are not superhuman, it’s not a surprise.

      Reply ↓
    2. Name (Required)*

      Remember it’s okay to say “No, I don’t have the bandwidth for that now.” and “No, I won’t be able to meet that deadline unless something else gets pushed back.” or just “No.”

      Reply ↓
  32. Federal Civil Servants*

    Long term federal civil servants – what are you planning/expecting?

    I’ve got 25 yrs of creditable service. I’ve been maxing out my TSP every year of my career. My intent was to retire in 7 yrs at the MRA from the position I’m in.

    I do GOOD work and truly am a civil servant. I could definitely have made a lot more money in private (& still could) but chose this path out of a combination of risk-aversion (the pension was a huge draw for me, even if under FERS it isn’t nearly as good as CERS or what civilians think) and a desire to really serve society. Now… I don’t know what to do. I know they are going to gut the civil service of anyone who actually serves the agency missions if they are in a visible position, but how fast do you think they will retroactively eliminate pensions as opposed to changing it for new employees? Or stop covering even a portion of health insurance?
    I just can’t decide if I should be making plans right now to downsize, sell my property, etc and work towards long-stay visas in a different country (Uruguay looks surprisingly promising), or if being in a progressive state & a job series that they are going to need even if they dismantle most of the agencies that serve the public.
    I’m scared and frustrated. (Though not NEARLY as much for myself as I am for others)

    Reply ↓
    1. Tradd*

      I don’t know what state you’re in, but IL and CO’s governors seem to be really stepping up to the plate to protect their residents from the incoming administration.

      Reply ↓
    2. DisneyChannelThis*

      Wait and see what changes happen. Dust off that resume and visa just in case. Don’t sell property etc until you actually see what the impact is on your specific job.

      There’s a good chance lower civil service jobs won’t see much change up. If you can make it to pension that’s such a nice retirement. Change takes time, and government is slow regardless of who is in power. Plus things like trying to retroactively eliminate pensions usually generate court cases which further slow down changes.

      Reply ↓
    3. Nacho Mama*

      I am going to sit tight and see what happens. I would just do what you can now like make sure your resume is updated and you have enough financial cushion in case you do need to make movements. But I would not sell anything off at this time or make any rash decisions. We just dont know enough. 7 years is so close for that retirement… I would wait and see.

      Reply ↓
  33. When suporvisor experiences a loss*

    My supervisor S has been on leave for a few months taking care of a sick spouse, and my grand boss recently notified me and S’s other report that S’s spouse died. S and I have always had a pleasant working relationship, but rarely discussed our personal lives. I never met the spouse, nor even knew their name.

    Do I get S a card? If so, how do I get it to them? I can’t leave it on their desk because they have their own office, and I don’t know when they’re coming back to work. They usually work remotely, so even when they resume work, I don’t know when they’ll be back in the office. Would it be weird to look up their home address?

    Reply ↓
    1. Kenelm*

      A card will be greatly appreciated, you could ask your grandboss where to send it to. Maybe your boss will also send a card (or digital copy) to your work and that will contain an address.

      Reply ↓
    3. anon today*

      If they are using a funeral home, you can send the card there and they’ll pass it on to your coworker and her family.

      Reply ↓
    5. Lady Lessa*

      I second the idea of a card. Could you find out some information from the public obituary if there is a charity that S would like having the donations sent to?

      When my boss died several years ago, we weren’t given an address to send cards, but HR took care of sending the cards to his widow.

      Reply ↓
    6. nonprofit director*

      I was an S. And oddly enough, my name starts with S. I was working remote for a couple of months while caring for my spouse. When my spouse died, I appreciated hearing from my co-workers. Ask your grandboss how to get a card to S, or communicate to S in the way that you normally do. I really, really appreciated all communications … cards, emails, text messages. Phone calls were harder in the early days, though. Just reach out in whatever way feels right to you.

      Reply ↓
  34. Aretha*

    Any suggestions for a woman who works with a lot of older men who don’t listen? It feels ridiculous to ask, but I’m noticing how tough it is to get some of the men in my office to listen to me. They just seem to treat me like I’m an afterthought. It’s thankfully a small number, but enough that I’m annoyed.

    Management has not been helpful. I feel like I’m going to have to shift how I talk to them. They respond well to men, but not so much anyone else. I feel like I have to be extremely stern, gruff, etc. with them to get anywhere, but that’s not my personality. OR (and I extra hate this) be in a pretty dress to be listened to.

    I hate it. I truly can’t wait for them to retire, but one of them is a new person.

    Reply ↓
    1. Qwerty*

      All I have is commiseration. Sometimes I find it helpful to be validated that I’m not crazy.

      Sadly it is not just the older men. I’m finding it in all ages, especially with remote folks.

      Reply ↓
  35. Angela*

    My company’s HR department has sent me two emails this week threatening “disciplinary action” “up to and including termination” for requesting accommodations for a temporary change in work location in October of this year.
    One threat was for a “remaining 5 day deadline” to submit supporting paperwork for the requested accommodations. This was the first I was made aware of vague supporting paperwork requirements (but no information on what that would be) and any deadlines to submit that. When I requested clarification, I was told my specific request for accommodations, which include entrance wide enough to accommodate my mobility assistance devices such as walker and wheelchair, falls under the disciplinary policy of the company HR for requesting accommodations. Today, the company requested a medical release, which I was told violated HIPAA and is illegal to require for accommodations. I’m concerned I’m about to be terminated. I work in Massachusetts. What should I do next?

    Reply ↓
    1. StressedButOkay*

      Whoa! Wait, they’re saying that if you ask for accommodations, you automatically get disciplined?

      I would find an employment lawyer ASAP. I would also email your boss, the head of HR, and the CEO with some kind of concerned email along the lines of “From my, and my lawyers, understanding of the disability rights in the state of MA along with the ADA, this is illegal as I am requesting…”

      But reach out to a lawyer immediately. Record and keep everything. If they do fire you, you’re going to have a heck of a lawsuit on your hands.

      Reply ↓
    2. AccessibilyOptional*

      I don’t normally suggest this, but given the timelines they’ve given you, I would call the offices of Warren, Markey, and your congressman.

      FWIW, I have always been asked for medical information about diagnoses when requesting accommodations (also in Mass) but an actual release so they can directly talk to your medical team is definitely a bridge too far.

      Also know that Mass grandfathers some buildings into older rules – it is not illegal to have non-accessible office spaces, even medical office spaces, under a variety of circumstances here. I’ve struggled with this a lot over the years.

      Reply ↓
    3. CommanderBanana*

      Oh, I would definitely talk to an employment lawyer, ASAP. If I’m understanding what you wrote, they’re threatening you with disciplinary action for requesting ADA accommodations?
      Document everything, keep correspondence to emails (vs phone calls), and save everything to a non-work laptop.
      Talk to a lawyer.

      Reply ↓
    4. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

      Make sure you have copies of all of this and consultant an employment attorney. Look on the state bar’s website for “lawyer referral service.” That should help you with locating an attorney.

      Reply ↓
  36. extra anonymous for this*

    TLDR: My coworker randomly gave me a valuable gift and I don’t know what to do or think.

    Background: I (woman and married to a man) have a coworker “Dave” (looks like a man and has a female spouse). We do different jobs in the same premises and occasionally come across each other. When this happens, we sometimes briefly chat – this is the level at which I know him. He has always seemed like a nice person and never said or done anything inappropriate.

    One of the things Dave has talked to me about is his hobby / side business: he collects, buys, sells and also gifts to other people certain items that can be quite expensive. He claims to make profit with this but as I’m not an expert in this particular hobby, I don’t know if this is likely to be true or not. I also don’t know how much money he earns in his main job but it’s a pretty basic job that’s unlikely to make him that rich.

    Today Dave gifted me a thing from his collection. It’s not something I would normally use, and it’s probably worth at least several hundreds on euros/dollars if it’s not a fake/copy item. He said I could keep it as a memory. The whole situation was very odd and I didn’t know what to say so I just said thank you and took the object he gave me. I didn’t even ask if he’s leaving or what the memory thing referred to.

    I don’t want to assume anything bad about people, but this is so odd that I can’t think of any innocent explanation to this. Is Dave trying to hit on me? (I have been politely friendly to him but that’s all and I don’t have any feelings on him.) Is he trying to get me involved in something illegal? Is the gift item fake, stolen or contain something illegal inside it? Where does the money for his hobby actually come from? Or is he giving away his belongings to random coworkers as memories because he plans to end his life? Should I give the gift back and if so, what should I say to him so that it wouldn’t hurt him or reveal any suspicions about him? Should I talk to someone at work about this?

    Reply ↓
    1. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

      Return it and say, “Thank you for thinking of me, but this is too generous and I’m not comfortable accepting it.”

      That’s entirely reasonable. If he feels hurt, that’s not on you to manage.

      Reply ↓
    2. DisneyChannelThis*

      This is extreme and hopefully an overreaction, but one of the worst case scenarios in depression has a major warning sign when people give away their belongings like that. I’d reach out to him, mention that you know this time of year is hard for a lot of people and isn’t it cool that hotline exists as well as share EAP info if you know it.

      Reply ↓
    3. Retirednow*

      I think there are a lot of red flags that go up that he is severely depressed. (I know we’re not supposed to talk about medical advice here and I understand that.“ But the fact that he mentioned he wants you to have it as a memory is very concerning to me. As a former therapist, I might even alert HR and I know that’s a drastic step but as others have mentioned, this is something people do when they have plans to not be here much longer.

      Reply ↓
  37. DisneyChannelThis*

    What’s your best work to do list method?? I’ve tried pen and paper, I’ve tried google doc, I had a lot of productivity with a digital google Jam board but now those are obsolete. I like being able to move items around between categories, Kan Ban style. I like visual stuff more.

    Reply ↓
      1. DisneyChannelThis*

        You know, I have not tried that since college. I do use post it notes for deadlines and meeting notes but not for task organizing. Maybe I’ll give it a go, I don’t have any wall space which would be nice for laying them out though….

        Reply ↓
    2. Trello*

      Trello. Trello is an awesome kanban board with free options available or inexpensive subscriptions if you want more functionality.

      Reply ↓
    3. My Day (they/them)*

      Notion is a general organizing tool that I haven’t used myself but many of my friends recommend for task organization- I’ve seen their layouts and they can be quite beautiful.

      Reply ↓
  38. Well anonymous*

    People who work with data visuals or graphs. My boss thinks data should be arranged so visually it goes from smallest to largest. For example. A b horizontal bar chart with 4 data points (years 1990, 1991etc) from a survey. But if the fewest respondents select 1992, she wants that to be the first bar, then the next one in number of responses and so on, so it reads 1992, 1994, 1990, 1991. That’s basket, right? I told her no, she’s tabled it for now.

    Reply ↓
    1. CommanderBanana*

      That’s insane. You can do multiple graphs of the same data and show larger numbers with larger graphics, like a word cloud style, but setting up a chronological series of data out of order because one year is larger? What?

      Reply ↓
    2. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      This is bonkers.

      When there is no implicit ordering of the options on the horizontal axis (eg: most popular t-shirt colors) then you can order them however you want. But even then, the most typical way to do that is monotonically decreasing, not monotonically increasing.

      Reply ↓
    3. ItDepends*

      For some visualizations it might make sense. For dates it’s likely not reasonable unless the point is to highlight a pattern in which years are low vs high. In that case it might make sense to group high together and low together.

      Reply ↓
    4. Strive to Excel*

      I’m going to break out the accountant’s answer: It Depends!

      A chart or graph should, to the best of the creator’s ability, reflect data in a way that is useful to the reader. Chronological charts are generally ordered chronologically because if someone included time on that chat they think its important. A chart showing “what DND class has the most art made of it” is more likely to be ordered largest to smallest, because volume is a key factor. No single type of ordering is going to cover all cases.

      In this case, I’d probably default to arranging the data by year, rather than by who had the highest responses, but I’d want to see the datasets all together as a whole.

      Reply ↓
    5. Nesprin*

      Uh…. data should be arranged to convey it’s meaning. If the point of the graph is to show that widgets made per year is going up or down over time, it should be chronological. If the point is to show the variance in widgets per year, a histogram makes more sense.

      (Obligatory plug for ‘the visual display of quantitative information’)

      Reply ↓
    7. Rex Libris*

      Yep, insane. Graphs go in chronological order, or whatever order logically illustrates the change in data from one entry to the next. Otherwise, why bother with a graph?

      Reply ↓
  39. BigMove*

    I would like to hear others’ opinions on this situation with someone I supervise. He let us know that he plans to leave the job this year. Not a problem and we appreciate the advance notice. However, upper management would like a solid end date, which the employee doesn’t yet know. So, we are setting an end date and letting him know. I’ve had several conversations with him about the situation, so it should not be a surprise to him. Has anyone dealt with a similar situation as a supervisor or manager?

    Reply ↓
    1. DisneyChannelThis*

      See this is why you never tell anyone you’re on the way out until you have a safe landing zone. Especially if it’s like retiring or other stuff where you really need your ducks in a row.

      Reply ↓
      1. Flying Solo*

        Ooof, yeah…… if he had said something like “I have this new job starting on (specific date) and my last day here will be (specific date)” that would be one thing.

        Reply ↓
    2. A Simple Narwhal*

      I’d be really careful about how you handle this. If your employee is trying to be nice and give you a long heads up and you turnaround and push him out before he planned to leave, every other employee is going to see you do this and never give you more than the required 2 weeks notice.

      I totally get that it’s hard to make plans without a hard date, I see why you’d want to do that on your end, I’m just letting you know what the optics are going to be, you should be prepared for the repercussions of that.

      Reply ↓
      1. A Simple Narwhal*

        And by “required 2 weeks notice” I meant the standard 2 weeks notice, not that anyone is actually required to give it.

        Reply ↓
    3. CommanderBanana*

      Well, you’re firing an employee for being transparent about their future plans.* That’s definitely not going to make other employees be inclined to be transparent with you about theirs.

      *I personally think they were incredibly naïve and short-sighted to share that they were planning to leave, and I would never, ever, ever tell an employer I was thinking of leaving until I had a signed offer letter and start date in hand.

      Reply ↓
  40. Flying Solo*

    I would like to seek some clarification regarding my reactions to task allocation within our department. As an office clerk at a law firm, I work alongside another clerk, with our office manager serving as our supervisor.

    Each week, my coworker and I divide our tasks on a rotating basis. One of our monthly responsibilities is cleaning out the office fridge. While my supervisor has assigned this task to my coworker to provide them with additional experience, my boss has said that if the fridge cleanout coincides with “my” week, I would take one of my coworker’s other monthly tasks to balance the workload.

    My concern arises when it comes to situations where my coworker is out sick or absent for other reasons (which has happened a few days in the last couple of weeks). I fully understand that these situations may arise, and I have no issues covering during their absence. However, I am concerned that there is no acknowledgment of the extra workload I take on when covering for my coworker – something I would not think about had the fridge cleanout swap not been mentioned. The tasks can range from smaller responsibilities, such as ensuring the kitchens are stocked, to more significant duties like setting up large conference room layouts, all while still managing the other usual responsibilities (phones, mail, etc) solo in addition to any other projects that might come up.

    While I recognize that this is partly a matter of perspective and perhaps a shift in mindset is needed on my part, the current approach feels a bit unbalanced, particularly in the absence of any recognition for the additional responsibilities I am shouldering.

    Reply ↓
    1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      If the swapped task has the same amount of time & effort involved as the fridge cleaning, then I’m having a hard time seeing why this irks you.

      But there is one thing you mentioned — your tasks are split between at-your-desk, highly-responsive things (eg phone calls) and away-from-your-desk, project things (set up the conference room). Is that maybe where you’re having a problem? You feel like you’re falling behind on the desk things because you’ve got to be away for 15 minutes in the conference room, and you don’t have any backup.

      Reply ↓
      1. Flying Solo*

        We have not yet decided on a task to swap, but there’s really nothing that’s comparable to the time and effort of fridge cleanouts (it is pretty low effort and time). I am just irked because while this one task would get recognition for needing to be swapped, the fact that I am on my own for a few days does not get acknowledged. But you’re right in that if I have things that take me away from the desk, I can’t work on other tasks I need to because there is nobody else to handle them.

        Reply ↓
        1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

          Right, so I’d address that concrete thing with your supervisor. “How should I split my time when Fergusina is out sick? Do I need to make sure to swing by the desk every 15 minutes? Can we get one of the secretaries to spell me on the phones for an hour when there’s a big meeting I need to prep for?” etc.

          Reply ↓
          1. Flying Solo*

            Based on how it was before Fergusina was hired, I can only ask secretaries to cover for lunch breaks and messenger runs, and even then my boss is the one who works that out, but other than that I am expected to handle everything myself.

            Reply ↓
  41. Lurking Tom*

    Has anyone nuked their LinkedIn? If so, have their been any repercussions?

    Multiple times now the stupid site has prompted me to follow a newly minted member of the incoming Regime of Morons here in the US, and I want absolutely nothing to do with any site that thinks this is a good thing to do. So I very much want to delete my LinkedIn, but I am also in my early to mid 50s and at least open to a job change. Am I expected to have one? Are there alternative sites that do not think right-wing grifter morons are worth promoting?

    Reply ↓
    1. Flying Solo*

      This is probably field-dependent on if you’d need an account, but I think you’d know if you were in one of those, so I say delete it. I deleted my twitter account last week for the same reason as you!

      Reply ↓
      1. Lurking Tom*

        I’ve been in IT for about 30 years now, and the only industry-relevant contact I’ve ever had is from people messaging me trying to sell me things or connect requests from people who want to sell me things. But I also haven’t had to do a lot of job searching – I’ve only had 5 jobs in those 30 years!

        I quit Twitter and Instagram about 4 years ago and have not missed them. I somehow never signed up for Facebook, which sure seems like a great decision now!

        Reply ↓
    2. Tradd*

      I was getting lots of spam messages and such, so I just hibernated it. You can still activate it by logging on again, but hibernating it means it goes hidden for the meantime.

      Reply ↓
      1. Lurking Tom*

        Yeah, all I ever get is the online equivalent of sales cold calls. Really I’m only active if I get a connection request from a current or past coworker, so I don’t think I’ll miss it, but if I do want to switch jobs and someone goes looking for me online, they’re not really going to find me, which I thought might be a red flag.

        Reply ↓
    4. nonprofit director*

      Late 50s. Nuked my LinkedIn a couple of months ago. No repercussions so far. Though I plan to retire from where I am currently working. I did not find LinkedIn useful to me in any job search efforts. Personal connections and networking always were far better for me.

      Reply ↓
  42. Anon Today*

    I am a transman working in a conservative field in a conservative area of a purple state. I’ve been in my job a bit over a year, but have been working in this field for about 8 years. I love my job and really like the people I work with. I am not out at work.

    However, I have been having a problem for the past week with one coworkers, Steve. Steve and I are at the same level, but he has been in this job a few years longer than me. For this reason, he has been my primary go-to when I have a question about a specific procedure or other issue. Over time, we’ve gotten to be friends.

    I knew from the start that Steve was a Republican. We avoided issues by just not talking politics in the office. I am 99% sure that Steve voted for Trump. However, even Steve is upset by some of the things Trump has done since winning (though he still supports him).

    And this leads to my issue. I have to continue working with Steve. And to be fair, I really do think he would be supportive if he knew I am trans. (A mutual friend who knows I am trans has told me that she does not think Steve would have any issue if he did know. Plus, I have heard him make comments that are positive towards the “alphabet soup” community.) But the reality is I am pretty sure he voted for a man who wants to make me a second-class citizen – even though Steve does not know that.

    Thoughts?

    Reply ↓
    1. MsM*

      If you genuinely think Steve’s an okay person to be open around, maybe just stop going out of your way to avoid references to your being trans if and when that might come up. I don’t know that it’s going to be particularly helpful or constructive to have an in-depth conversation about what the current climate means for you, and he might be one of those people who compartmentalizes people he knows personally and assumes they’re going to be all right because he wants them to from what happens to the ones he doesn’t have a direct connection to, but maybe just being fully you will get him thinking more about this stuff.

      Reply ↓
    2. Corgis*

      I am a cishet woman but I have a trans nephew and multiple close trans and nonbinary friends and I have been really struggling with these kinds of things too. I know a few people who are mutual friends with some of my trans friends (and are aware they are trans) and claim to love and support them but then turn around and vote for someone who wants to take away their rights. I don’t understand how you could claim to love someone and then vote to have their rights taken away. That is not love or support. I wish I had actionable advice for you but just know that you are not alone in feeling this way. You have my love and support from afar.

      Reply ↓
    3. Disengage*

      If you can, ignore it. Don’t engage in political discussions. You don’t know for certain how he voted, so if it helps tell yourself he didn’t vote for Trump. Use the fact that he’s critical of Trump now as a positive in his favor and as something that allows you to continue to work with Steve without discussing identity or politics.

      The truth is that very few people have the luxury of only dealing with people on their side of the aisle, and that’s true even if you feel personally attacked or endangered by their beliefs or the beliefs of someone they support.

      Before you say I don’t know what it’s like, I’m part of a demographic group that has been attacked pretty seriously by both sides and doesn’t have a safe space on one side or the other. I have friends and family on both sides, and at times I feel attacked by both. I ignore the stuff I wish I hadn’t seen/heard as much as possible and don’t engage unless it’s absolutely unavoidable.

      It shouldn’t have to be this way, but it is. And I apologize if I’ve made this too much about me rather than you. I guess I wanted to convey that I know it’s hard and that, while my situation is somewhat different, the advice is coming from someone in similar shoes and not from someone who doesn’t know it can be hard.

      Reply ↓
    4. Rex Libris*

      To the extent it’s possible, I don’t discuss personal details like gender, sexuality, religion, political affiliation or anything similar with my coworker. I don’t actively lie or anything, I just make a habit of keeping my work relationships pleasant, shallow and non-committal and it’s worked out pretty well.

      I guess I’d weigh any actual benefit of being more open vs. what’s likely to happen if you guess wrong about about trusting them with your information. I mean, you already know of at least one major area where your worldview definitely doesn’t align with Steve’s.

      Reply ↓
  43. Chirpy*

    On the plus side, the coworker who wouldn’t let me read in peace on my breaks/interrupted my work to chitchat quit, so that’s no longer an issue, and someone else actually brought up a thing that the Jerk Coworkers are doing to make things annoying for me/ my department (that I have been ignoring because I have bigger things to deal with, but also I wasn’t sure I wasn’t just paranoid about it being those guys) to my department head. (and confirmed I was right. ) The downside is my department head has been really mean this week. Understandably, she’s probably worried about the incoming administration (she hasn’t said anything, but her family will almost certainly be affected). But it’s really getting unbearable.

    I’d love some encouragement for my job hunt, because a lot of my possibilities are likely in fields that may get hit hard soon and I just don’t know what to do. And frankly, my current coworkers (and past bad jobs) have me ground down to where I’m having a hard time coming up with reasons why people should hire me.

    Reply ↓
  44. Three Cats in a Trenchcoat*

    Husband got laid off yesterday :(

    We’re very lucky in that we can absolutely afford our lifestyle on my income alone, but there still so much logistical in making sure we clarify his severance, get the qualifying event documentation for my benefits, figure out his next steps…

    ugh! Right before the holidays too

    Reply ↓
    1. Name (Required)*

      I’m sorry. Hopefully you’ll be able to get everything done that needs to be done, and it will lead to bigger and better things for your family. Good for you for being able to afford your lifestyle on one income! That’s a rare thing.

      Reply ↓
    2. Rex Libris*

      That sucks. I guess try to be thankful that you’re in a position where he has the space to make a good decision about what to do next.

      Reply ↓
  45. Anon for this*

    I am really struggling to cope these last two weeks. My mental health is at a rock bottom. I am working with my therapist and doctor but for right now it takes next to nothing to make me cry and I can’t control it. I’m not breaking into sobs or anything but my eyes have welled up with tears or I’ve had tears falling down my face multiple times a day at work for the last two weeks. I always quickly go to the bathroom to wash my face and control myself and never make a scene, but I can tell my coworkers have noticed because my face turns beet red if I shed even one tear. Nobody has said anything, but I’m getting increasingly worried about how to address it if anybody does. I am doing everything I can think of to prevent it happening but I can’t seem to stop it from happening. All it takes is someone saying something with a slightly harsh tone, seeing something out the window, or just a passing thought in my head can set me off.

    Does anyone have any advice on managing this at work or how to address it if someone asks if I’m okay? Again, I am already closely working with a therapist and a doctor so no medical advice please.

    Reply ↓
    1. Hlao-roo*

      There was a past letter where a manager wrote in because a direct report cried at feedback. The report handled it really well:

      Every time she gets critical feedback (even very mild and accompanied by praise), she turns bright red and starts crying… like, a lot. Tears streaming down her face. Other than that, though, she responds calmly and rationally. She carries a handkerchief and just mops up the tears and continues the conversation. One of the first times this happened, I asked if she was okay, and she said that it’s “just a physical response to stress” and confided that she’s getting cognitive behavioral therapy to learn to control it. Honestly, I think she’s handling the whole thing with a lot of professionalism and maturity.

      I think you could say something similar, along the lines of “just a physical response, please [ignore the tears/give me a minute to compose myself in the bathroom].”

      The letter is “My employee cries whenever I give her feedback” from April 4, 2016 and there was an update on December 7, 2022. I will link to both in a follow-up comment.

      Reply ↓
  46. H.Regalis*

    Need to vent: I have a coworker who is extremely moody and takes out his bad moods on other people. He absolutely is aware of what he’s doing and can control his behavior because I’ve been on calls with him where he’s berating other people, and then his boss joined the call and he immediately stopped.

    He’s also extremely smart and helpful. If you’re having trouble with a technical issue, he will go to the ends of the earth to help you solve it; but his moodiness drives me up a wall. No one treats him the way he treats us. I talked to HR about it once and they told me if he’s being rude, I am 100% allowed to hang up on him. Everyone else just ignores his behavior.

    I like everything else about my job, Moody Melvin has actually helped me a lot with my work, but this can be so frustrating and I have no backup from anyone else in the department.

    Reply ↓
    1. Unkempt Flatware*

      He does the “end of the earth” thing to make up for his behavior which is wrong and doesn’t work. I wouldn’t allow it. “Melvin, while its nice that you’re willing to do this to help us right now, what we’d really like is for you to consistently treat us respectfully.”

      Reply ↓
    2. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      He does it to everyone, so you can just remind yourself “It’s not personal”?

      Moody Melvin is like that fancy color printer. When it works, it turns out amazing stuff. But it takes forever to warm up, it smells funny, the control panel is cryptic, and it’s an absolute pain to change the ink. If you’ve complained about the printer over and over, yet nobody is willing to replace the printer, no matter how much inconvenience it causes and how many other better options are out there, then that’s just the way your employer is going to be.

      You have to ask yourself how much energy to spend and stress to generate fretting about the printer, as opposed to just using it only when you really need it, and ignoring the smell as best you can.

      Reply ↓
  47. Derivative Poster*

    Any strategies for coping when a coworker is retiring soon and is mentally checked out? It has escalated from doing work poorly to saying in a meeting that they’re no longer doing work. I am perplexed by the latter: why not just skip the meeting, the purpose of which was assigning tasks? The situation will resolve itself within a few weeks, but I’d appreciate any tips that would help limit my frustration in the meantime.

    Reply ↓
    1. Tradd*

      I experienced this with a coworker about 10-11 years ago. She was retiring in a few months. She would fall asleep at her desk, absolutely refused to do anything but a very few strictly limited tasks she had been doing for years, flat out refused to help with the workload of a coworker whose father had died overseas (coworker was gone for about a month). I coped by waking her up when I walked by her desk (I always passed her desk on way t0/from copier, bathroom, etc.). Her actions made a lot of work for the rest of us. I was so glad when she retired.

      Reply ↓
    2. MsM*

      I think just pretend like they’re not already there to the best of your ability. Maybe have a word with their boss if you have a reason to talk to them or know they’re open to feedback to see whether the retiree really need to still be coming to meetings or even in the office if they feel like they’ve wrapped everything up, or at least to find out who you should be directing requests to since they’ve made it clear they’re not focused on that stuff any more.

      Reply ↓
    3. Hlao-roo*

      One classic coping technique is to set your internal monologue to “nature documentary narrator.” As an example:

      Today, we see that Retiring Alex has reached a new level of checked-out. They announced during the meeting that they are no longer doing work. Will Retiring Alex learn that they can skip these meetings in their remaining weeks at [Company]? Tune in next week to find out!

      Reply ↓
    4. A Simple Narwhal*

      If you’re just trying to get through it mentally, I’d take Alison’s approach of surviving by pretending to be an anthropologist observing a new culture.

      “Wow, this way of conducting yourself is strange to me, but I must observe their ways whilst I live amongst them.”

      It distances yourself from the situation and places you outside it rather than in it. Maybe treat yourself to a “Jim stares into the camera” moment from time to time when no one’s looking.

      It’s only a few more weeks, good luck!

      Reply ↓
  48. DEI*

    Curious how out of the loop I am – my company defines DEI as Diversity, Engagement, and Inclusivity. I have always seen E = Equity for that acronym. As a result, when our DEI scores on a recent survey were low (due to sexism in the department), our leaders think the solution is more engagement activities like department town halls.

    I’m not getting involved because I’ve lost that battle and will have a new job soon. But I’m trying to figure out if I’m being overly judgy on E = Engagement rather than Equity?

    Reply ↓
    1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      That’s a weird one. But I’ve seen the acronym mutating in the wild in other ways too.

      Like I mentioned in another thread, actions are more important than words. “Call town halls instead of directly addressing sexism” is a bad idea, regardless of what label they slap on it.

      Reply ↓
      1. Procedure Publisher*

        If the engagement is designed to address the problems, maybe it would be alright. But that is a maybe leaning towards no.

        Reply ↓
    3. Rex Libris*

      I’ve always seen it as Equity. I’m a cynical soul, so my first thought is that equity is a word they must really want to avoid.

      Reply ↓
  49. Cat Lady*

    Looking for some advice on a situation and I’m not sure how to feel. I’ve been at my job for a year and a half, and in that time, I have really turned my program around. I’ve gotten good feedback from our business partners and an “exceeds expectations” performance review. My workload has also increased significantly. The number of direct reports I have over doubled (I had 5 when I started and now I have 12, soon to be 13). I also took on managing an additional location. As a result, I asked my boss for a raise in July due to my workload increasing and I also provided her with a document that laid out my actions and results I have achieved.

    Shortly after my ask, I asked my boss about getting a raise for one of my direct reports who has done really stellar work. She said that she would ask HER boss but didn’t want to ask for my raise and my employee’s raise and the same time. I told her to ask for my employee’s raise first. What else was I supposed to say?! Fast forward to this past week and my boss tells me that I will be getting a cost of living increase, along with everyone else. She sort of hemmed and hawed and said that she could still ask for the raise I had initially asked for after seeing how I felt but it came across like she just didn’t want to do it.

    I guess I’m feeling guilty going back and asking for more. The cost of living adjustment was 9% this year, but it was only so high because they are taking away our 7.5% bonus (which isn’t ever guaranteed). It seems like a larger bump than it is, and I feel like it’s harder to justify going back and asking for more because I’m not actually sure how much more I am making from the cost of living adjustment. I go back and forth between being irritated at my boss and feeling like I have it good and should just keep my mouth shut. Any advice?

    Reply ↓
    1. Name (Required)*

      Try to figure out how much others in your position are making and use that data, if it’s more than your current salary. You can use BLS or Salary.com to get salary data, and/or your industry may publish salary data.

      Reply ↓
    2. Mark This Confidential And Leave It Laying Around*

      Your boss sounds like a wimp. Doesn’t want to ask for two raises at once? You’re managing multiple people! Of course things are going to come up that affect more than one employee at a time. I’d go back to her and say you don’t understand the one-at-a-time approach. You did way more work than you were before and deserve to be compensated. Your employee did an awesome job and deserves to be compensated. A wimpy boss will do your bottom line long-term harm if you let her.

      Reply ↓
  50. Pear Blossom*

    A little over a year ago, we sent out an email to over 30K sites asking them to confirm or update their site contact(s). It was a pretty successful project and the majority responded.

    To this day, some 55 weeks later, I still get emails responding to the original email. Sometimes they just say “confirmed” and other times it has an actual update. After the 4 month mark, I was surprised people were still responding, but now…it gives me a chuckle every time! I can’t believe people are still replying to the original email!

    Reply ↓
  51. Procedure Publisher*

    For job seekers, how do you handle your job alerts, especially when those alerts overlap?

    I have multiple alerts (probably too many) and that means I see the same job listed more than once. Most of my alerts only list job title, company, and location. One has a snippet of text from the JD. Another lists skills tagged for that job. When I see a job that I think I’ve already seen, I always check it because I have doubts that I didn’t see this exact position.

    I know I want to get rid of a few of my job alerts, but I haven’t decided which ones. Google has a job alert that has helped me find a job that my other job alerts didn’t find.

    For what it’s worth, I have been getting contacted by recruiters for positions that have yet to be posted publicly yet.

    Reply ↓
  52. Anon and on and on*

    Resume question that I will preface by saying I have looked on the site and haven’t been able to find an exact answer.

    I started a role with a new company long enough ago that it should go on my resume. The title is similar to my previous title. At my last job I was a Senior Tea Blender and at this one I’m a Senior Breakfast Tea Blender. However, Old Job was structured Tea Blender -> Sr Tea Blender -> Lead Tea Blender, and new job is structured Breakfast Tea Blender I -> Breakfast Tea Blender II -> Senior Tea Blender -> Lead Tea Blender.

    The expected years of experience and responsibilities for a Senior Blender at my old role mirrors the responsibilities associated with Breakfast Tea Blender II, whereas my new role is at a higher level responsibility and more years of experience, similar to Lead at my old company (The Lead Tea Blender grade at old job was incredibly wide, so while there is not a 1-to-1 translation at my new role, Lead at my new company is the equivalent of someone who had been in that role a long time and had taken on additional responsibilities).

    How do I communicate on a resume that my new role is more than just a lateral move? (Obviously, I am happy in my new role and don’t plan to send out my resume any time soon, but I like keeping it up to date, and I’ve been in this role long enough that I feel like it’s time to add it)

    Reply ↓
    1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      Titles are fungible. Responsibilities aren’t.

      Newjob inc – Senior Breakfast Tea Blender
      Identified and negotiated alternate sources for bergamot and 3 other botanical flavorings
      Prepared annual analysis of market trends
      Developed and managed 8 custom blends

      Oldjob inc – Senior Tea Blender
      …

      Reply ↓
  53. *daha**

    My question, is suppose, is – is there any business setting anywhere in the world where this reply from HR makes sense?
    I work in a manufacturing sector plant. Production workers are either laborers or operators, and I’m an operator. The company’s website lists an opening for an operator. The announcement says “Pay $18-23 per hour.” Well, I’ve been here two years, have had two annual raises, and I’m making $17.90/hour. I wrote to HR with an “I’m sure you want to correct this error” approach, and asked for the base pay of $18 plus the two merit raises I’ve received, to bring me to $18.90 an hour.
    Here’s the HR response:
    “The pay that is listed on the advertisement for the position is not always what someone is going to get paid for the position. This is not the starting pay for the position either just because it is the lowest pay on the posting. The range gives a range of pay and does not guarantee $18.00/hr for starting for the position.”
    What the hell?

    Reply ↓
    1. Strive to Excel*

      Your HR is full of unethical marketers. Most people would assume the same as yours and if they were then offered 17.90 an hour it would be considered a bait and switch. IDK if it’s outright illegal or just unethical but it would rub me the wrong way.

      “What the hell” is on-point.

      Reply ↓
  54. Academic Anon*

    I hope this qualifies as a work question, since it is my work retirement fund. Not to dig too deep into politics, but has anyone decided to shift their retirement investments? I am planning on retiring in 2 years, 9 months and five days, so any economic chaos between now and then will most likely downgrade my retirement funds. Currently I have about a third locked down into a version of annuity (I know, I know, people don’t like annuities), but am considering locking down 2/3rds since that will give me a baseline to live. I am in higher ed, so am feeling the target on our backs. I have an appointment with TIAA/Cref next week and am trying to get a feeling of what I should do.

    Reply ↓
  55. I'm right on top of that Rose!*

    Lunch Room Etiquette question:

    Can I make a frozen pizza in the toaster oven? Most people just use the microwave. But there is a toaster oven just sitting there. Or is that too close to cooking something in the kitchenette?

    Reply ↓
    1. Mark This Confidential And Leave It Laying Around*

      Yes! You can use the toaster oven. I read this as “toaster” and thought oh no, the cheese. But toaster oven? Where you can lay the pizza flat? Sure!

      Reply ↓
    2. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      That seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Just make sure that you clean up any sauce drips or grease splatters, so tomorrow’s breakfast toast doesn’t smell and taste like pepperoni.

      Reply ↓
  56. Edna*

    Is a late paycheck always a terrible sign?

    I should have been paid today but wasn’t. I asked around and my coworkers didn’t get their checks either. I asked our operations manager and he told me there has been a problem with the third party payroll company (a change in how our company is required to pay the third party) and it should be resolved by Tuesday. His story sounds plausible, but I’m unnerved. No one seems to be treating this like the emergency I think “whole staff not paid on time” should be. I have no idea what the company’s finances are like. Am I a fool if I take them at their word that this is a one off situation? My current plan is to get my resume, etc in tip top shape and start applying elsewhere if I’m not paid by Tuesday, but I really like this job.

    Reply ↓
  57. Chronic Baddie*

    How do I learn to do less?

    I have been a stellar performer my entire career, I’ve always received excellent feedback and I pride myself in how quickly I can pick up and deliver. I was a rockstar, I had people asking me how I found the time and energy and my answer was just that I deeply enjoyed the work and it gave me the energy.

    And then three years ago I got COVID and then long-COVID. Now I struggle daily with fatigue, pain, and nausea, and I just plain can’t sustain the same level of involvement. I tried for nearly three years to be my old self and it leads to burnout, sickness, and has even landed me in the ER. I finally realize that I can’t go on like this, but I’m so entrenched in my old way of work that it seems impossible to change.

    My fellow recovering over-achievers: How do I learn to do less? Or to move slower? I have built up enough good will at work that I don’t think anyone will question my capabilities, so this is purely for me. I need to learn to slow down but I don’t know how.

    Reply ↓

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