Thanksgiving free-for-all – November 28, 2024

by Alison Green on November 28, 2024

This comment section is open for any discussion you’d like to have with other readers (work or non-work or possibly even entirely dessert-focused if that’s your bag).

Happy Thanksgiving!

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{ 90 comments }

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  1. Broccoli Frolic*

    Happy Thanksgiving! Random Q: I’m a psychiatrist (MD). What helps you feel comfortable w a new psychiatrist?

    Reply ↓
    1. David Rose*

      honestly just listening, not being dismissive, and being willing to *try* medicinal intervention even when it seems like someone “should just” be able to change their behavior, you know? Like believe someone if they say “I’ve tried to change and nothing has stuck”? Had some bad experiences with a recent psych, hope this is helpful

      Reply ↓
    2. crabbypants*

      Don’t sit at your desk with your client sitting across from you in one of those awful “guest chairs.” Makes a person feel like they’re going to their boss or the principal’s office to get scolded. Have a space in your office with comfortable easy chairs, you sit in one and your client sits in the other.

      Listen – LISTEN, really LISTEN to the person. If you want to perform a monologue, go to your local stand-up comedy place. When someone comes to you for help, shut up and LISTEN to them. By “listen,” I mean active listening – your face needs to show that you are actually hearing what they say, not just waiting for a pause so you can jump in and babble at them.

      Sorry, that sounds a bit crabby. Bet you can tell what the last MD-psychiatrist that I consulted did on my first visit. There was not a second visit.

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    3. ReallyBadPerson*

      If I make a joke, and it’s an obvious attempt at humor, please do your best to at least smile. I find it so patronizing to have my every word taken seriously, as if I were a pathetic child.

      Reply ↓
    4. Wolf*

      Have tissues – I can’t be the only one who cries in sessions!

      Be open and realistic about what you can do for them – I really appreciated hearing “thing A isn’t my specialty, but we can work on XYZ, which I expect to take around 10-12 sessions”.

      Reply ↓
    5. Venus*

      I’d appreciate if you post what you’re comfortable with. A friend is transgender and looked for someone who stated they are LGBTQ+ friendly, because if a professional was willing to write it down then that made it much more likely that my friend would be welcomed.

      Same friend also recommends not complaining about other patients, not misdiagnosing and refusing to listen, and please test for side effects. I know these are obvious, but it really shows how bad their first several psychiatrists were. The basics of listening for a couple sessions before diagnosis, testing for side effects (i.e. are the liver, kidneys, and other organs losing basic function?), and not sharing inappropriate information were sadly factors in looking for someone competent.

      Reply ↓
  2. RMNPgirl*

    I became a department director in September at a new company and have three managers reporting to me.
    I’d like to give them a gift for the holidays but am not sure what to get them. I’ve previously been gifted mugs, fun socks, and chocolate and really only liked the socks. I’d like to stay away from food items because I don’t know what people really can/can’t or want to eat.
    Any ideas would be great.
    Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who celebrates!

    Reply ↓
    1. Aziriel*

      Amazon or otherwise gift cards? A little impersonal but by far the most useful. I personally hate socks but love mugs and chocolate lol so everyone varies.

      Reply ↓
    3. LadyMTL*

      If any of them like coffee / tea or even hot chocolate, maybe make a little ‘kit’? You could get a mug and a bag of coffee or a tea sampler, something like that?

      For example, my mom loves coffee so one year I went to a local café, spoke with one of the employees who suggested a few different types that she might like and I bought two different types. I didn’t get her a mug, mind you, because she already has tons, but she loved the coffee.

      Reply ↓
    4. Boggle*

      Not sure why my comment was not posted but I bought one of those hats with lights for grilling, walking the dog, or taking out the garbage at night. He loves it. They have them on Amazon.

      Reply ↓
      2. Not A Manager*

        I have one of those hats! It’s both a novelty and also useful. I bought one for Secret Santa last year and it was a huge success, and I kept one for myself.

        Reply ↓
  3. Dear Liza dear liza*

    I’m in love with the idea of an advent doom calendar described earlier this week. I want to create one for a friend who often struggles a bit during January-February. What kind of small things would you include in such a calendar? I have a few ideas based on their hobbies but would love general pick-me-up suggestions.

    Reply ↓
    1. My Brain is Exploding*

      Watching! I was thinking about doing this as well. Socks, small treats (you know what they like), notes of encouragement, poems/words of wisdom/inspirational articles, mine should get several small jars of different kinds of mustard, small gift card (like for a coffee at their special place), secondhand book (yay, thrifting), lottery ticket.

      Reply ↓
    3. Small kindnesses*

      If they have a pet, including one or two toys or special treats (that you know their pet can have) could be sweet. Same if they have kiddos. Also regardless of kids, something like a small thing of playdough could be fun for fidgeting with.

      For a gift exchange I once put a bunch of music I thought a friend would like on a zip drive — you could do that if you have music that is shareable, or you could make them a playlist and share the link. A tiny craft kit — some origami paper, one of those mini watercolor sets there are ads for on instragram, or embroidery thread and some beads — could be fun if your friend is crafty but can’t find a lot of time to do it.

      Some stamps and stationary/postcards to encourage them to send someone they love a note (or just save them a trip to the post office when they need to mail something!).

      And someone said this on the other thread, but if you have access to World Market, they have all kinds of fun tiny food goods — I once put together a box for a friend who was going through a tough time and individually unwrapped each item so it would basically be a doom calendar. She promptly unwrapped all of them as soon as she received, ha!

      Reply ↓
    5. Colette*

      Depending on what they like, you could include small puzzles (the dollar store near me has them), photo frames with a picture they’d like, lip balm, cozy socks, tea, hot chocolate, a small toy (slinky, silly putty, rubik’s cube), candy.

      Reply ↓
      1. Edwina*

        I love all of these ideas! And if it was for me, if just feel better knowing that my friend wanted to make one of these for me (even if a few of the individual items missed the mark).

        Reply ↓
    6. I own one tenacious plant*

      A daily update on what time the sun rises in the morning. The dark months are tough for me but being reminded that they are improving can help. It also means you might see some pretty sunrises.

      Reply ↓
  4. Wanderer*

    So, I had a situation at work today.
    Recently, we got a new machine at work. Some female coworkers had problems with it not working right and asked me for help. I’m no mechanic, but they thought “maybe he can figure something out”.
    I took a look, couldn’t find a problem and the machine worked as it should. Later that day, the machine stopped working again.
    Today, a coworker said, trying to make a joke, I’m sure, that “maybe all that thing needs is toxic masculinity.”
    When I hear “toxic masculinity” I think aggression, sexism and sexual misconduct.
    I do not want to be associated with that, even as a joke. I want to go to this coworker, with whom I usually get along well, and ask here for the reason stated above to not make a joke of that nature again.
    Is this the way or am I thin-skinned here?

    Reply ↓
    1. possibly*

      As a woman in a male dominated field, a little bit of both. You absolutely shouldn’t have to hear that. And I shouldn’t have to hear “… , oh, except do whatever your wife says”/ “women should stay home with the kids. They’re so good at it”.

      So, yes, it’s absolutely sexist, and it should be shut down. But it’s also part of the sexist backdrop of our society. And if this is the first time you’ve had an overtly sexist comment directed at you, that’s a privilege that women don’t enjoy.

      Reply ↓
    2. Bella Ridley*

      If I had a coworker I got along well with, and I made a joke like that and received a response like that, I’d never make another joke of any type with him ever again. Do whatever you want, but be prepared to significantly cool the relationship if you do.

      Reply ↓
      1. tabloidtainted*

        Ideally, you shouldn’t be making jokes at a coworker’s expense, no matter how well you get along with them.

        Reply ↓
    3. tabloidtainted*

      I have seen people unintentionally use “toxic masculinity” as a stand in for “masculinity.” Kind of like how everything is gaslighting or everyone is a narcissist. I think it’s fair to ask her not to make that joke again.

      Reply ↓
    4. acmx*

      Wow, that was rude of her. You helped them and she called you toxic?! She would not like it if you made a joke about women.

      I would want to address it, too.

      Reply ↓
      1. learnedthehardway*

        I’m offended on the OP’s behalf. I mean, really. I expect it was meant to be funny, but it was hurtful, instead.

        Reply ↓
    5. Maybe*

      Maybe instead just tell her that you were thinking about that, tell her what that makes you think, and tell her you hope she doesn’t think that applies to you. This assumes you are open to her telling you that it might! Or just let it drop, remember the bit about jokes punching up but not down?

      Reply ↓
    6. bamcheeks*

      What kind of outcome are you looking for from this conversation?

      I think there are probably three outcomes you can get from this:

      1. she is generally a kind and friendly person who meant to be funny, it landed badly, and she is apologetic because she didn’t mean to hurt your feeelings
      2. she meant it to be funny, but she’s defensive when you call her on it, and tells you you’re overreacting
      3. she meant to be mean

      Based on what you know of her, which do you think it is?

      I personally wouldn’t *ask* her what she meant by it, because I don’t think the answer will actually give you new information: she either meant to be mean or thought it was a lighthearted joke, and there’s no deeper meaning than that. But I do think you can simply state a boundary: “hey, that joke about toxic masculinity kind of hurt my feelings! I was trying to be helpful, not toxic.”

      How she reacts will tell you whcih one of the three options above it was. If it’s 1, she’ll go, “oh sorry! I was just meant as a silly joke. I don’t think you’re toxic!” or something like that. If she meant to be mean, or she gets defensive when called on a joke gone wrong, she’ll say, “wow, overreaction much? Can’t you take a joke?” And that’s the information you need either way.

      TL;DR: asking what she meant probably won’t help, but telling her that yoh didn’t appreciate the joke will show you who she is.

      The reason is probably that she thought it would be funny.

      Reply ↓
      1. Lexi Vipond*

        Yes, I think it was intended as a joke at the machine’s expense – that it was only willing to work for a man. Not brilliant phrased, though.

        Reply ↓
        1. londonedit*

          I was also wondering whether she really meant ‘the patriarchy’ or something – as in, turns out all the machine needed was a strapping lad to knock it into shape. It’s still not the best joke and isn’t really funny, but I can imagine her meaning something like that, a joke at the machine’s expense or a general dig at ‘the patriarchy’, rather than meaning ‘toxic masculinity’ and implying that you were an example of toxic masculinity. Sort of like the opposite of when people say ‘See, just needed a woman’s touch!’

          Reply ↓
    7. DJ Abbott*

      I think your coworker was not so bright, saying that. A person with awareness of such things would know it probably wouldn’t land as a joke.
      How do you think she would respond to you saying something? Would it be OK with your manager if you did? If you think she would respond badly, then keep quiet. Otherwise I would lean towards saying something, if it would be OK with your manager.

      Reply ↓
    8. The Sweet One*

      Hrm. That’s a really weird comment, and I am having some trouble wrapping my head around what they could have meant given the context. (Toxic masculinity is complex and harms everyone—it’s definitely not just bad for women.) As someone else mentioned, it seems like someone used the term without really understanding what it meant. It may be that it was a dig at the women who asked (i.e. that they were implying that mechanical stuff was “men’s work”).

      Either way, I would probably assume ignorance rather than malice and try to lightheartedly push back on that (like “Nah, it’s just teamwork/collaboration/whatever corporate value applies here” or “Now we know how many llama groomers it takes to troubleshoot a set of hand crank clippers. We should document this!”

      If they make another comment like that, I’d call it out: “You’ve said that my helping Jane is toxic masculinity a couple of times. That troubles me. What do you mean by that?”

      Reply ↓
      1. anonymous anteater*

        agree with this. Even before a repeat of the comment, you could say “hey remember when the machine was working for me but not others, and you joked about it needing toxic masculinity? I’m still hung up on that, I hope you’d tell me if I was behaving toxic.”

        Assuming that she made a thoughtless throwaway comment, she needs to know that it landed with you differently. Then the conclusion not to say it again should occur to her independently.

        Reply ↓
    9. Lucy Van Pelt*

      My take is slightly different due to my experience in a similar situation. First up, it was a rude joke and you are not thin skinned. But if the coworker who made the joke is female, there might be some innate frustration behind that “joke” toward herself and/or her fellow coworkers who obliviously followed stereotypical gender bias that women would take a machine to a man to fix. I’ve done this before and kicked myself. Held a grudge against myself, even as I know I’m in a constant battle with the stereotypes within the system in which we all were raised.

      I never apologized to the coworker I insulted. He did nothing wrong and was as bewildered as you are as I realized too much later. I still owe him one, but we’re both several jobs and countries away by now. If you can, do what you suggested and tell her that joke was offensive to you and ask her not to do it again. She might be the kind of person who would be glad of the chance.

      Reply ↓
  5. Anima*

    Does anybody have a good and proven deviled eggs recipe? I would like to make them and can of course google it, but I’d like a tested recipe. Am in Germany, for that matter, so no Thanksgiving, but I’d like to try those eggs.
    Partially also because Snake Discovery made a reptile save version of them and the reptiles really liked them, I think I (human, really I swear ;) ) will like them, too.

    Reply ↓
    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      There’s a zillion ways, heh. I do my filling with mayonnaise, crumbled bacon and garlic because I like them savory but not actually spicy. Some people do mustard, some people do relish/chopped pickles, I’ve seen chopped sun-dried tomatoes, paprika sprinkled on top is a pretty common garnish. My mom does mustard AND pickles. My husband likes his with a bit of avocado mashed in and also some hot sauce.

      Reply ↓
    3. old curmudgeon*

      I also don’t really have a recipe, just add stuff to the mashed yolks until it looks and tastes right. I start with mayonnaise and yellow mustard, a bit of granulated garlic, and a bit of granulated onion. I also occasionally add a little curry powder (sweet or hot, according to preference), and I always use half-sharp paprika to sprinkle over the top rather than sweet paprika. My spouse likes to use the lumpy brown mustard instead of yellow, or you can use the fancy French mustard.

      Reply ↓
    4. HannahS*

      I don’t have a recipe. I mash the egg yolks with salt, pepper, mayonnaise, lemon juice, and paprika, then top with a caper or chive.

      A devilled egg is really just a version of egg salad! So anything you like in egg salad will work.

      Reply ↓
    5. Falling Diphthong*

      My standard is:
      Hard boil some eggs.
      Mash up the yolks with mayonnaise, salt, pepper, capers, maybe mustard or parsley. Pile back into the eggs. Sprinkle with paprika.

      I share this observation from Smitten Kitchen: In most contexts, if someone offered to feed you six eggs, you would decline in puzzlement. But turn them into deviled eggs and suddenly it becomes simple to eat that many.

      Reply ↓
    7. londonedit*

      Nigella Lawson made devilled eggs on one of her TV programmes a while back, as a one-woman quest to bring them back from the 1970s, and her recipes are usually excellent.

      Reply ↓
  6. HannahS*

    (CW: pregnancy)

    Well, I’m expecting baby #2 and feeling both happy and excited (this is very wanted!) and also nervous. I would say that the transition to motherhood was pretty rocky–we had just moved to a new city, it was the pandemic, we were isolated, Mr. S was veering towards depression and was not particularly helpful postpartum, baby #1 was not cranky by nature but did need to be held and entertained every second and didn’t sleep through the night until she was two and a half, I had several painful complications of breastfeeding, etc.

    So…it wasn’t great, and I’d like to avoid repeating that experience, especially because baby #1 will be 4 years old and I want all of to have an easier transition to being a family of 4.

    So I guess I’m looking for the following:
    -What kind of help did you find helpful? e.g. night nanny, meal service, cleaners?
    -How did you support a smooth transition for your older child?
    -Please just reassure me that it’s easier the second time around lol

    Reply ↓
    1. ReallyBadPerson*

      Hire a cleaner. If your first is in daycare/school, or you have a nanny, keep the routine the same. Allow your oldest to participate in welcoming the new baby, fetching blankets, singing lullabies, etc. Have cuddle time with them whenever new baby is napping or being held by others. Expect a bit of behavior regression. It will pass.
      Hire a cleaner, hire a cleaner, hire a cleaner!

      Reply ↓
    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Smoothing transition (kids five years apart):

      We let her make up birth announcements to distribute at preschool with a goodie bag, like for a birthday party. Solemnly acknowledging her transition into big sisterhood in a way that made it about her.

      After baby arrived, we gave her a special new toy. (A barn for her extensive horse collection.) A new exciting thing to occupy her that didn’t require our involvement.

      We read the book Julius the Baby of the World by Kevin Henkes, about a very intense mouse named Lily who is very excited about her new baby brother, right up until he arrives and she does not care for sharing the attention. Oldest actually found this stressful before the baby–she believed she would never have negative feelings–but after youngest arrived asked if we could read the story again. It’s great because Lily’s idea of lashing out is to sing the baby the alphabet in the wrong order and call him a raisin. Oldest might be feeling some things, but it’s not like she ever called the baby a raisin.

      Reply ↓
    3. bamcheeks*

      It absolutely was easier the second time around for me, chiefly because I knew that babies are tough and are not actually trying to die. As long as they are fed regularly, changed regularly, and cuddled a lot, they are overwhelmingly likely to be fine (obviously there are awful tragedies, but they are awful tragedies and rarely the result of the kind of decisions I worried over.) Sooooo much of my first-baby anxiety was not being able to triage things like, “the baby needs a nappy change” “the baby is hungry” “the baby is crying and I don’t know why”, and I think I truly believed that if I got any of these things wrong, The Baby Might Die. I was so much more chill with #2 just because my Worst Case Scenario was more like, “the baby will have to wait an extra half an hour to be changed because we are on the way home and she will cry all the way” or “if this baby doesn’t go down for a nap now bedtime will be Worse”, neither of which is a Good Outcome but they are not tragedies.

      Plus it’s actually really helpful that you’ve practised the MECHANICAL stuff — you know how to set up and drop the pushchair one handed! You aren’t trying to figure out the carseat whilst sleep deprived and with a soundtrack of someone screaming!

      I would try and plan for a mixture of childcare/babysitting (including your partner) which includes a) baby is being looked after and I get time with Big Kid b) Big Kid is being looked after and I get time with baby and c) both are being looked after and I get TIME BY MYSELF.

      Four year olds are big enough to be Very Helpful– really liked having a 3-year gap because it was very easy to tell Big Sister that she WAS a Big Sister, and to tell her that the baby looked up to her, and to involve her in things like cuddling the baby, showing her toys, singing to her and things like that. They are both grade-school age now and I LOVE their relationship– they do fight, but they are super close and both of them name each other as their favourite person. I do feel this is as much luck as anything we did right, however!

      Reply ↓
    4. Adam*

      We found it so much easier the second time!

      For the first kid (ours are 2.5 years apart), the biggest things we did were telling him what to expect/explaining what was happening and giving him jobs to do. He was a lot happier if he needed to go fetch a nappy or just pat the baby or whatever else we could come up with that made him feel involved.

      But also just everything was easier. First, because you have some idea of what’s happening, so when the baby won’t sleep or won’t eat you know that that happens sometimes and you aren’t a horrible parent. But also having the older kid around forces you to do a bunch of stuff, which helps pass all those hours where you have to hold the baby but the baby can’t do anything so you’re just sort of staring off into space feeling sorry for yourself. Instead, a bunch of that time was getting the older kid ready for nursery or feeding him dinner or putting him to bed, which gave structure to the day.

      Reply ↓
    5. learnedthehardway*

      I found it much easier the second time around – for one thing, I knew that the hormone cascade was coming and could brace for it. Being overwhelmed with emotions as you are bonding with your baby is a roller coaster experience.

      Seconding the idea of getting a house cleaner for the first year or longer. I have had one for years, and it is probably the single most important thing for my mental health, and it allows me to enjoy my non-work life rather than feeling resentful and stressed.

      I think the thing that worked most for easing the transition for our older child was that he was very busy – he started kindergarten that month, and he was pretty exhausted from that when he came home in the afternoons. He wasn’t interested in the baby, but did want to be the centre of attention, so we did what we could to provide attention. If we couldn’t, we made sure he had toys and activities (even computer games) that were absorbing.

      Reply ↓
  7. BellaStella*

    I am in Europe so am not celebrating today but am inspired later today to buy some turkey meat and potatoes and carrots.

    I have a work question too on which I would appreciate some advice.

    I have obtained four new professional certifications this year. I have asked HR where these can go in the system for my file, but I would like help framing explaining this in my end of year review. Because we do not get any external training at all I wanted to do these things also to keep up skills and to add to my CV for when I start looking.

    Here is what I am thinking of noting in my review broadly:
    1. These all relate to my job and developing my skills to be a better Project Manager – and I am applying the things I have learned in my work. One is a PM certification, two are languages, one is a technical cert related to the org I work for, a standard.
    2. They were all at my expense and mostly all on my own time and about 800 euro out of pocket
    3. My development has been in an effort to improve my value to work but am unsure how to say this – not sure I can quantify cost savings but maybe improved efficiency and communications overall? I have been able to develop some work deliverables better but not sure I can measure this now, maybe in a year.

    Also I have achieved all of my goals and metrics this year too plus some above and beyond stuff. However, because of some crap with a missing stair and his enabling protective boss there are a lot of difficulties this year and HR has been involved with three of us to guide us in dealing with this crap but HR have not dealt with the problem missing stair etc.

    I want to show I am engaged and worth investing in but also there are a lot of things happening that make me feel like fighting for myself is going to go nowhere.

    Any help appreciated.

    Reply ↓
    1. anonymous anteater*

      I would probably focus on exceeding your goals. That is the main thing from the business perspective. If one or two of the certifications helped to improve your performance, you can weave that in. Or if it directly relates to something that you could do next, you could mention the new task as a development goal, and include that you already have a relevant certification.
      If you can’t draw a direct connection with current or upcoming work, I would not necessarily put it in. It’s good for YOUR CV of course, but that’s not 100% identical with what matters to the business.

      Reply ↓
      1. BellaStella*

        Thanks, this is a good point to eave it in on current work and on development goals for next year – in current work it has helped a bit, but I can see that this is a thing to note overall, but not a thing to highlight.

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  8. Panic! At the Work Holiday Party*

    Hi friends! I’m doing an internship and have received an invite to our holiday party. The invitation included a place to indicate if you were bringing a plus one. I asked my manager if it would be okay to bring someone, and she said it would be alright if I did so I checked the box. I’m a little paranoid that no one else will have a plus one (it’s on a Thursday afternoon) and I will be subject to a lot of scrutiny, but I also wanted to bring someone else because I am so! Awkward! At! Parties!

    I’m not really dating anyone right now, which my manager knows. Because of that, I’d like to bring my best friend. Is that acceptable? If it matters, I’m an openly queer woman in my early twenties and my best friend is a straight woman of the same age. (There are other openly queer people in the office, but most people are a bit older than me.)

    Reply ↓
    1. ecnaseener*

      Re paranoia, you could ask around and see if other people are bringing plus-ones.

      Bringing a platonic friend is definitely acceptable, but not necessarily common, so if it sounds like the only other plus-one’s will be dates, you could ask someone whether it’s only ever been romantic partners in the past.

      Basically, you absolutely *can* bring her, but if you’re weighing the pros and cons, then gather more information before you decide.

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    2. ReallyBadPerson*

      It is absolutely fine for your plus one to just be a friend! At my daughter’s wedding, several of her friends brought platonic plus ones. One friend of my mother’s brought her son. Don’t overthink this, just bring a person you’d enjoy talking to.

      Reply ↓
      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Key is that the friend (or relative) plus one will make things easier for you by holding up their end of socializing, e.g. making conversation with a range of people.

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        1. Another Janet*

          Ding ding ding! Bring your bestie if she’ll help you socialize in a quasi-professional space. And like others have said, you can definitely ask more junior or peer level colleagues if they’re bringing anyone to get a sense of the vibes. (Weekday afternoon is the only thing that makes me think folks might be flying solo.)

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    3. londonedit*

      I’d ask around, just to make sure, but I think it’d be absolutely fine to bring a friend if other people are bringing a +1. You could even bring it up when you ask people – ‘Hey, do people generally tend to bring guests to the party? I’d like to invite my friend Sally along, she’s great fun, but I wanted to make sure other people would be bringing a guest too!’

      Reply ↓
  9. Student*

    Do any of your college/university campuses get the entire week off for Thanksgiving? Our campus is closed today and tomorrow, but most of my classes are business as usual. I’m staying home and doing homework today because otherwise I won’t be ready to start the new material when it opens this weekend.

    Reply ↓
    1. Zelda*

      In my experience, Thanksgiving is never much of a break for college students. It’s too close to finals to allow for proper time off.
      I’m a university librarian. We’re closed today, but open normal hours tomorrow and over the weekend. I expect it’ll be quiet, but we’ll still have people in there working and studying.

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    2. Calendar decisions, yeesh!*

      I work in higher ed, and this very much depends upon the kind of college/university. IF it is a school that has the whole week off, then it is almost certainly a smaller, private college where the students are going to leave the Friday before anyway and blow off the Monday & Tuesday classes. Almost all colleges now have Wednesday (for travel) and Thursday and Friday off. And any services are generally extremely restricted from Wednesday to Sunday, especially if they are staffed by students (library, athletic complexes,…). If it is a larger/urban school and/or draws its student body locally, then the decisions would be different. I’m not familiar with ANY school that would resume completely regular operations over the post-Thanksgiving weekend.

      Side note: academic calendars are set years in advance and are aimed at satisfying the accreditation needs of hours-in-class vs. the realities of local calendar conflicts (e.g. when are the public school breaks that mean that staff will take time off? What are the religious holidays that the local community will celebrate?). It’s always a balancing game and fairly opaque to outsiders. Also, there’s a lot of “we’ve always done it this way”.

      Reply ↓
  10. Turquoise*

    A friend has gotten to the references stage after interviewing for a position and they are being very specific about who she must give: her supervisor from two past jobs (they picked which ones from her resume) and her current manager. One of the reasons she left this past job is because her supervisor was extremely difficult to get a hold of, so she offered a coworker she worked closely with and to connect them to HR to confirm dates of employment, but HR won’t budge on this at all. They did say if the two past ones are good they could do a conditional offer, contingent on a good reference from her current job. This is for a government job. Is this the norm now for references or are they being weirdly picky? I’ve always thought candidates had some professional judgement in who they gave as references.

    Reply ↓
    1. Adam*

      I have never heard of people being that inflexible. What would they do if one of those people isn’t willing to give references? What if they’re dead or moved away? I think if a candidate can’t produce *any* references, that might be concerning, but demanding specific people is super unusual.

      Reply ↓
  11. Falling Diphthong*

    Does anyone have any YouTube series recommendations (or other source) that are a good Intro to Specific Craft? I am thinking of sketching or watercolor, but open to all sorts of things.

    Reply ↓
  12. Anonynon*

    How do I motivate myself to personalize and send out resumes when the either total silence or instant rejection is severely triggering my depression (already not good due to SAD and the darkness of the days living in the northeast of the US)? My current job is a temp job through January, so it’s not like I have a choice about applying. I need another job after this one. But for the past month, I haven’t even been able to look at job descriptions let alone open my resume or work on cover letters.

    Anyone have some motivation tips?

    Reply ↓
    1. bamcheeks*

      this isn’t guaranteed, but it worked for me when I was in a similar boat: de-personalise and/or gameify it – X applications a week, done according to a formula (open job description, underline key words, change/add to resume or cover letter, click send, log in spreadsheet / tick box in notebook, forget). If there is any rewards you can give yourself for doing each stage, doing each application, and doing X a week (not too many, I would say 3-6 a week AT MOST depending on your field), do that. Even if it’s only buying a Nice Notebook and Coloured Pens to track what you’ve done and colour in boxes, or making your spreadsheet pretty.

      I personally find the most exhausting part of applications is getting invested in each one and trying to imagine what it would be like. The more I could make it a process with steps to tick off rather than something I emotionally invested in, the easier it was. And rewards helped tremendously!

      Reply ↓
  13. Indecisive Career Changer*

    Has anyone gone to WGU (Western Governors University)? How was it and were you able to get a new job or promotion related to what you studied after? Was it taken seriously as a degree? I see people talking about getting their master’s in 6 months, which seems incredible.

    I’m also not sure what I should go back for, if anything. I know I need to do something to kick start my career in a new direction but can’t decide on the direction. What would you choose out of a second bachelor’s in accounting, a general MBA or an MBA in Healthcare Management or IT Management. Or an MS in Healthcare Management (not sure how it’s different from the MBA) or MS in Human Resources? I suppose I’m wondering how the job market would be for someone with one of these degrees and experience in mostly general administrative work. I have a little bit of experience in HR, though that was 20+ years ago.

    There’s another question – I’m pushing 50. How hard is it to change careers at my age?

    Reply ↓
  14. Favorite festive foods?*

    What’s a favorite holiday/special occasion dish? Welcoming ideas related any holiday or occasion, just looking to get some new ideas! (Recipes welcome if that’s your thing.)

    Reply ↓
    1. bamcheeks*

      We made a lovely vegetarian wellington last Christmas. The filling was onion, butternut squash, chestnut mushrooms and chestnuts with looooots of thyme. I made a very slightly sweetened gravy to go with it (UK gravy, not US gravy), with caramelised onion, miso, marmite, dark brown sugar and tomato puree. You can find the recipe if you google “georgie eats mushroom wellington”.

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    3. The Sweet One*

      Some family traditions: plum pudding for Christmas and spiced peaches for Thanksgiving (and often Christmas). I will bake a cake or cupcakes for all sorts of reasons. I didn’t do it this year, but I have had great success with mini piecaken for generic fall fun (I just make bite-sized pecan pies and then put them in the middle of pumpkin spice cupcakes… just fill the cups about a quarter of the way with batter, set the mini pie in, and fill the rest of the way, giving the pan a few taps on the counter to get the air bubbles out).

      Reply ↓
    4. Taters and stuffing*

      My grandma makes stuffing balls, which I can’t imagine the recipe is any different than regular stuffing other than she shapes them into balls and finishes them in the oven so there are some crunchy bits on the outside. I think that’s the magic of them, is that they’re portioned and easily served and each one has some crunchy bits instead of just the top layer of the bowl. I always thought of them as pretty normal but my spouse clocked them as unique and slightly weird but ultimately pretty genius. Thanksgiving is Alice’s Restaurant and stuffing balls for me :D

      Reply ↓
  15. The Sweet One*

    It’s fine. Really. Do you have any trusted colleagues (other than your manager) that you could chat with? This isn’t in a getting permission way—you already have permission—but it will probably help with the giving yourself permission part. Chatting with your colleagues about the party and who comes will probably set your mind at ease.

    Reply ↓
    1. Ali + Nino*

      A set of cute/funny magnets; gift card to Starbucks or local coffee shop; I once brought a mini waffle iron to a white elephant and people seemed to like that!

      Reply ↓
  17. AAM comment-name choices*

    AAM comment-name choices – what was the source of yours?
    Context: I’m always fascinated when I see someone reply to a comment saying that they like the user-name because it’s related to a TV or book series or other fandom. A lot of the time I haven’t realised there even was a fandom associated.
    I also love the ones calling out particularly weird or clever AAM comments or situations, but again I’m sure I’m missing some of these.

    Reply ↓
    1. Aww, coffee, no*

      And to answer my own comment – it’s a call-out to Matt Faction’s run on the Hawkeye comics. Where Hawkeye is the Marvel comic / Avengers MCU character, not the doctor from M.A.S.H.

      Reply ↓
    2. 653-CXK*

      Mine is from a Massachusetts license plate for a 1974 VW412 wagon that my father bought in 1980 and had until 1985, when he sold it to the Old Volks Home for $50.

      Reply ↓
  18. Forensic13*

    Any suggestions for a writing adjunct teacher looking to find a new career? I really like teaching and my career is thankfully the side gig of our family, but the volatile nature of universities crying poor and general academia bureaucracy BS is making me twitchy.

    The issue is that I’m been slowly shifting my classes over the years to minimize all the things I hate doing and prioritize the ones I like. And all the things I hate doing are the things that form the backbone of all those “teachers who want a new profession” suggestions. I’m actually very very bad at sustained organization (I’m ADHD); I have elaborate systems to put organization in place before things start, and then I have to just check all the incoming things a lot. I HATE classroom management, so I tend to do what I want, convince most students that what I want to do is actually quite fun so they’re excited to go along with it, and then annoy the others into compliance. (I swear I’m a better teacher than it may sound like; this all actually combines very well for freshmen).

    So this means that no project management, no K-12 teaching, and nothing where I have to be good at organizing events or people.

    Any suggestions?

    Reply ↓
    1. The Sweet One*

      Former teacher here. I used to teach all levels of English (truly—pre-K through PhD), along with college prep. I am now a senior business analyst.

      I had taken some tech-adjacent classes here and there (technical writing, database basics, SQL) and ultimately wound up doing a six-month boot camp for data analysis and visualization. I connected with a recruiter and landed as a project coordinator at a great company that really liked hiring new grads (I was close enough).

      It was a great fit for me—I learned fast, and the skills that I had gained as a teacher have been assets.

      Reply ↓
    2. bamcheeks*

      There are soooo many needs for teaching adults which aren’t college. I have done quite a lot of teaching leadership, management, communication skills, etc in corporate and healthcare settings. I have a friend who does freelance intercultural communication, and EDI training. You can do that from within an organisation, for a training organisation which contracts with other organisations, or as a freelancer. There is usually relatively little classroom management because everyone there is a professional who has chosen to be there, so the worst case scenario is usually “stopping the over-talkative person from taking over”.

      On the other side, I have taken corporate training on things like SEO, specific software packages, understanding statistics, pedagogy and so on, so those are also options if you are interested in them. And you can find specific niches, like “management training for doctors” or “DEI training for people working with international students”. If you can cope with technical stuff, training people on IT topics or how to use specific software packages can be *very* lucrative.

      Also, when I did corporate training, I worked with a marketing and events management team, so they set up events, marketed them, booked rooms, created registers, photocopied materials, tracked attendance etc and I just had to tailor the powerpoint to that particular group and then turn up and teach. GLORIOUS.

      But really, do not underestimate how valuable “can write a lesson plan, and make something interesting to a group of people” can be! So many opportunities outside formal education.

      Reply ↓
  19. Tradd*

    No free Friday tomorrow. I’m the customs broker that often posts. People in our import transportation department had not been working ahead as they should have been. I got documents for approximately 20 files dumped on me today, arriving at port Sunday, that should have been sent days ago. They’ve had the documents for at least two week. They’re the customer my on-vacation coworker does (he’s back next Wednesday). He would have been able to do them before he left. I was livid and sent a scathing email off to my manager that also overseas that department. It’s gone up to the owners. My manager said he fully supported me and this is on top of the occasional issues coworker and I have been mentioning over the past month. I had enough of my own to work on Friday, but now I’ll have to work a full day on Friday and probably some over Saturday/Sunday. I am a manager and salaried (and paid accordingly for the weekend stuff I do) and so no OT. Boy, am I PEEVED. Office closed Friday so I’ll working from home (I only have the ability due to weekend stuff). At least I’ll be able to do it at home, comfy with no bra on, and plenty of breaks for FB and the like.

    Reply ↓
  20. 653-CXK*

    On the Thanksgiving Eve thread, someone had asked for the recipe for Blueberry Dump Cake, so here it is…

    Blueberry Dump Cake

    – 4 cups fresh blueberries or 2 16 oz cans blueberry pie filling
    – 1/2 cup white sugar
    – 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
    – 1 box yellow cake mix
    – 1/2 cup melted butter (or 1 stick of butter)

    Preheat the oven to 350°. Mix blueberries, cinnamon and sugar (or if using pie filling, just the blueberries and cinnamon if it has sugar already) and place in a 9″ x 13″ pan. Cover mixture with cake mix, then drizzle the melted butter (if using sticks of butter, cut them into very thin pats on the mix). Bake for 30 minutes until golden brown on the top.

    You can serve this warm with ice cream or cooled with Cool Whip.

    Reply ↓
  21. Toilet brush*

    A while ago there was a letter about what to do if you leave marks in the toilet bowl. Lots of people said to give it a rub with a toilet brush if there’s one in the stall.

    I’m confused because I wouldn’t have the materials to sanitize the brush after… is it generally accepted that in a public restroom the brush is for use without sanitization after?

    Reply ↓
    1. bamcheeks*

      There is an absolutely hardcore, never-the-twain-shall-meet split between “it is absolutely horrifying to leave marks in the toilet, how could any civilised person be so foul” people and “a brush that is covered with fecal matter and lives OUTSIDE the toilet, potentially dripping fecal water over the seat and floor, I am going to barf” people, and they will simply never understand each other.

      Reply ↓

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