weekend open thread – November 2-3, 2024

by Alison Green on November 1, 2024

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: All I’ve been able to read this past month have been comfort re-reads — mostly Elinor Lipman and Barbara Pym. This week it was Pym’s Crampton Hodnet, in which gossip and romance disrupt the sedate pace of life for an elderly woman and her paid companion.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

      1. Leaving academia*

        Yes! My sister got a second cat last weekend and has been sending many videos to the family group chat. The boys were already acting like littermates by Monday, and the older/original cat (18 months) seems to be doing a good job as big brother teaching the rambunctious teen to play less rough…and relinquish the best squirrel watching spot.

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            Jealous–Peanut’s going through an itchy phase and his usually gorgeous coat is tattered.

      6. Jessica*

        Despite having a bin full of toys, the cats are all huddled around a screen, mesmerized. Meanwhile, the one who’s different from the others sits alone, outside the circle, watching them have fun.

        Hopefully not a correct reading, but this picture seemed too much like humans.

          1. Firebird*

            Do they have a favorite app? I’m looking for things to do with my grandkitty when he visits for the week.

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              Mouse for Cats!

              Wa Kingyo is also popular (fish moving under the water) but not as reliably a hit as Mouse for Cats (in which a mouse moves around the screen and makes a noise when touched).

          2. Leaving academia*

            Are they respectful of the iPad when it doesn’t have games? My cat will step on the iPad when she believes I’m not moving it from my lap fast enough, but I’m a little wary of teaching her the screen is sometimes interesting

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              Mostly. They’ll often look at it to see if anything is interesting is happening on it, and Griffin sometimes tries to bat at it when I’m doing something else on it but that’s because he’s barely out of kittenhood and doesn’t have adult manners yet; the rest only really care when a game for them is on.

    3. Mom of Two Littles*

      Trick-or-treating yesterday was adorable and actually fun. We went with a few families and it made it more enjoyable for the kids, and me as well.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        We got no one, as usual, but I happened to go by the library right at the time the preschoolers were gathering for some event, and so there were all these little knee high dragons and princesses and pirates.

    5. word nerd*

      Working as a poll worker last Sunday during early voting was really heartening! The required mix of R&Ds worked well together and respectfully; all the voters who showed up were pleasant despite how slow we were at getting them checked in (printing ballots on demand). It felt great to answer questions and help people vote when there’s so much misinformation about there. A sweet older couple who were immigrants came in and voted for the first time after becoming US citizens in September. Lots of families with young kids. Balm for the soul during these times y’all. Oh yeah, I’m also in Michigan and we have hilarious voting stickers this year.

      1. Manders*

        Oh yes, those voting stickers are awesome!! And thanks for doing this important community service – we all appreciate you!

            1. goddessoftransitory*

              Oh, I want them all!

              My cousin would especially love the fish one, he’s a game warden in Michigan.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        That’s such important work–thank you! I was recently in Michigan myself for election-related stuff. In case you’re interested, I added a post about it on my blog that’s the same name as as my user name. I agree, balm for the soul.

      3. Reluctant Mezzo*

        I spent two hours today Dialing for Democrats, mostly leaving messages on answer machines in a swing state. My throat hurts a little so will drink some hot broth.

      5. Bike Walk Barb*

        One of my older brothers volunteered as a poll worker this year in Virginia. He sent all the siblings an email describing the training he went through and how good it made him feel about the integrity of our election systems. I’m so proud of him–and worried about the potential for violence where he’ll be working.

      6. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Thank you (and all your fellow poll workers) for your service! Way to keep our democracy strong. : )

    6. Mitchell Hundred*

      I went to a potluck organized by someone in the ace/aro meetup group I’m part of. We ate delicious autumnal food, binged all of “Over The Garden Wall”, and played Jackbox games. Great fun.

      1. Rara Avis*

        My kid is sick so our Halloween involved binging Over the Garden Wall (they rewatch it every October)!

      2. dapfloodle*

        My husband and I just watched “Over the Garden Wall” for the first time, over the past 2 days.

    7. Dark Macadamia*

      I have a neighbor who goes all out with both Halloween and Christmas decorations (different displays every year). This year they did a combo with a bunch of life size skeletons doing things like hanging Christmas lights and kissing under mistletoe, and the person answered the door in a full Santa costume paired with a skull mask that totally covered their face. I’m curious to see if they keep this stuff up through December or swap it for something else! I just enjoy seeing other people so openly enjoy things.

    8. RLC*

      I’ve been away for a few days and bird feeders and water went empty in my absence. Yesterday morning I opened my back door to find six quail expectantly staring at me. They’re part of a clutch hatched in my garden last spring – have enjoyed watching them grow from fluffball hatchlings to handsome adults. Immediately filled feeders and water, of course!

        1. RLC*

          Unfortunately, no, they backed off into nearby shrubs to await food delivery! Earlier this year the little quail group approached me (within about a meter) as I sat quietly on the ground. Dared not move to get phone to take pics but enjoyed the brave little visitors.

        2. RLC*

          The quail are VERY territorial over the best soil-scratching spots and dust bath hollows. Much kicking and leaping – think Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan film but with quail. It’s hilarious.

    9. Valancy Stirling*

      A student told me I’m his favorite teacher, and another’s mother told my sister that her kid loves me.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Isn’t that the best feeling! A kid’s counselor told me mine was her favorite class, and it was balm for my soul. I sometimes get into spirals of self-doubt, so it’s nice to hear that someone’s enjoying the course.

    10. I didn't say banana*

      I made a baked cheesecake for the first time and my 4 year old helped me, and it turned out perfectly!

    11. WoodswomanWrites*

      I got to watch a black bear in the Sierra! We stopped and kept our distance so we could watch him meandering and sniffing the ground. When he realized we were there, we and the bear stared at each other for a bit. He decided he didn’t want to be near us and shuffled off.

      I was glad to see the bear was appropriately fat to hibernate through the winter. The day after we left, the area had the first snow of the season.

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          Perhaps you would have felt less scared in this particular situation. It was during a walking tour and there were about 30 people in our group. Fortunately, they were all experienced in the outdoors and knew to be silent and stand still. It really was cool!

    12. Six Feldspar*

      A very small thing, but I really enjoyed tumblr enabling the boops again over Halloween! Looks like the cats are playing their own version!

    13. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I’ve been feeling very downbeat this week, very stuck in my day job and not capable enough in my creative hobbies. Yesterday afternoon I summoned a shred of motivation I didn’t think I had in me this week. I got over the self doubt that made me put off an important writing task for weeks (something I’m very proud of is ready to submit!), and made sweet tahini rolls to have for breakfast this morning. I’m feeling calm this morning and relishing every minute of it.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        You go! That’s so cool that you got something all set to send in!

    15. Girasol*

      Bought two furniture kits that had reviews that suggested assembly would be awful. “When they say it takes two people they mean it!” “Pieces don’t fit together.” “Took us all day!” I tackled assembly alone. Had each one done in under an hour and then treated myself to coffee and pastry out to celebrate.

      1. Shakti*

        That’s so exciting and definitely worth celebrating! Doing instructions solo can always be a challenge and hard ones on top of that!

    16. Elizabeth West*

      This is REALLY small, but I found the cold water spigot at work. The one on the water fountain (bubbler!) is room temperature, ick. Filling your water bottle with nice cold water is a tiny but persistent joy. Even better, the cold one is on a water machine in a little lounge just off the lobby — a lounge that has floor-to-ceiling windows and a pretty cool view. :)

    17. Harlowe*

      Spouse and I have followed a local Italian chef from restaurant to restaurant since the 90s. His last stop was extremely disappointing; his cooking is still fire but the location nickel-and-dimes the guests. No table bread, no soup/salad, entrees are meat or pasta only (sides cost extra). Really cheap unpleasant experience. He announced his retirement at the end of 2024, and we were basically indifferent.

      This week we tried a new-to-us place, a northern Italian bistro in an old bank building in midtown. It was absolutely amazing, replicating all the good things we remembered about First Chef. We found “our place” again.

    18. Wolfsbane*

      I went on a group hike this morning that was co-sponsored by a local outdoor store, and my name was drawn to win a pair of hiking boots!

    19. Firebird*

      My daughter invited me to run an errand and go to breakfast with her today. We’ve never had a close relationship, but in the last year she’s actually showing interest in doing things together. I’ve been letting her take the lead and it seems to help.

    20. Pterodactyls are under-cited in the psychological literature*

      Last Halloween my husband and I were Aziraphale and Crowley. I did Crowley again this year and our daughter decided she wanted to be their (non-canonical) child, so we raided my closet and put together an outfit for her. We had so much fun and so many good conversations about all the layers of meaning going on in that story.

    21. Chauncy Gardener*

      Had a couple of really nice low key social occasions this week that were so good. Especially lunch with a good acquaintance turning into a friend!

    23. March*

      Singing Händel and Pachelbel and Sweelinck and Schütz all day today with a bunch of the loveliest nerds I know :)

    25. RagingADHD*

      My younger kid went to the state school theater competition with the fall show and 2 individual events, and swept her categories. 2 medals and a nice big trophy.

      She has not been having much fun with her theater class this year, way too stressed, and said she doesn’t want to do any more plays.

      I don’t necessarily want this to change her mind, but I am glad that she got a concrete result for all her hard work and can walk away satisfied. If she decides she really is done with it, at least she will not feel like she just gave up.

    26. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      I got new PJ pants and they have pockets and they are not too long for me. Light weight enough that I can wear them all day if I am WFH

    27. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      New area rug, bedding and curtains for my bedroom. I can’t believe that such a small change has lifted my mood and made me more likely to completely make the bed (adding the decorative pillow)

    29. Bike Walk Barb*

      I got to go on an amazing work trip to Switzerland thanks to being appointed to an international committee. The people on the committee were great and the trip went really smoothly. I’d never been to Switzerland and am utterly in love with their trains, trams, and bus service; their abundant bike lanes and marked crosswalks; the courteous drivers who don’t inch into the crosswalk or make a right turn into one; seeing many people of all ages and stages biking on every single street I was on; and the fact that the Swiss people voted 75% in favor of a national Cycle Routes Act that means they’ll be adding even more bike infrastructure. (Yes, my user name is a hint as to what my phone pictures mostly consist of.)

    31. Dancing Otter*

      I finished a quilt just as our volunteer group was packing up for the day. Last opportunity for Christmas delivery, too.

  3. Venus*

    I’m planning to quit volunteering for a group that I strongly believe in, and I’m not sure how to deal with the guilt and am looking for suggestions.

    It’s a smaller charity, with maybe 20-30 people who mostly do a bit of volunteering. A couple years ago the founder got sick and a few of us helped her out by responding to emails from the public who contact the charity to ask for help. We organized schedules, and continued to do it by rotating that role amongst ourselves. Unfortunately it became clear a few months after the illness that the founder will never be well, and would really struggle to do the emails, yet they are obviously critical to connect those who need help with the volunteers who love what they do.

    I’ve been unhappy about the emails but kept doing them out of guilt. Yet I had the “Would you be okay doing this in 5 years?” thought last week, and the answer is no. I don’t even mind the emails too much, but the founder is old and has been somewhat inconsistent with her responses or sometimes doesn’t make critical time-sensitive decisions so I’ve been at BEC point with her since shortly after the illness and I can’t cope anymore. It’s one of the best charities of its kind in the city and she used to be much better, so I will also really miss doing the main part of the volunteer work and I’ll plan to stay around to help bake for fundraisers (I have thought about going back to being a regular volunteer but I need some space from the founder first).

    Yet I feel guilty for the other volunteers who do the emails, because it’s going to increase their workload. Any suggestions?
    As I wrote this out I got the idea that I could offer to do it rarely to give them a bit of a break. Maybe I’ll come up with more ideas now that it’s written down!

    1. Strive to Excel*

      It sounds like you and the other volunteers have been keeping a stopgap management measure going and it’s burning you out. So: is it the work itself that’s burning you out? Or is it having to pick up extra from the founder?

      Because it sounds like it’s time for you and the other volunteers to sit down with her and have a really hard conversation. Whether or not *you* keep doing the emails (and it sounds like founder or no founder this specific task is one you are burnt out on!), there needs to be a formal transfer of decision making authority and possibly an official email person.

      In lieu of that, it’s totally reasonable to say “for reasons of my own health, I need to step back from doing the email portion. I’ll still be volunteering/baking/(insert whatever tasks you still *want* to do here), but let me know who will be taking over my role as email person”. Volunteering for a charity is not the same as volunteering to run a charity. That’s why so many not for profits have paid or at least partially compensated staff as well as volunteers – because it’s a lot easier to find someone to volunteer a couple hours a week than it is to get a steady bookkeeper. Or manager, or marketer, or planner, etc etc etc.

      TL;DR – if you have the spoons, talk to the founder and your fellow volunteers about officially transferring management roles. But otherwise don’t feel guilty about stepping away from management roles into regular volunteering and don’t feel like you need to leave.

      1. RedinSC*

        THis is really it. You all have to talk with the founder to have a real plan in place for transition. In fact, the board should be doing this, but if they don’t know how much people are helping, they probably should hear that.

        1. Venus*

          There is effectively no board. It’s a small charity and the founder views anyone who tries to help ‘too much’ as attempting to take over and blocks them out. It’s been like this for 20 years and essentially the few of us who do emails and support her are in agreement that none of us can run it after she goes so we’ll shut it down when the founder dies. Based on her health and age many of us expected the charity to have been shut down within a year of her initial hospitalization but here we are!

          On the positive, she is putting all the funds into helping others (i.e. she is good about spending money properly), she is comparatively quite nice (all the other local similar charities are run by people who are cliquish or bullies), and she is competent. But it’s still too dysfunctional for me!

          As mentioned in other responses, this is helping me to realize how unworkable things are, and I really appreciate your time in helping me understand this!

          2. Hyaline*

            I kinda think this is your answer. The founder is refusing to create a sustainable plan, and it’s not on your shoulders to take on too much to facilitate this unsustainable vision.

      2. Venus*

        The founder will never ever give up decision making authority (even when deathly ill they had their laptop at the hospital), so there’s really no value in having that conversation. The comments in here are helping me to appreciate how dysfunctional things are – I knew I was frustrated, but all this feedback is really articulating how difficult it is because I’m realizing that none of the suggestions are workable.

        Thank you for this! While it’s very unfortunate, at least I’m feeling less guilty (the founder is putting me in an unworkable situation).

        1. Former Employee*

          You may not be the one to have this conversation with the founder, but someone should ask her about what she would like to have for her legacy.

          Based on your comments, it appears as if the charity will fall apart after she is too ill to sustain it or passes away.

          Without a succession plan, the charity will die with her. Does she really want that to happen?

    2. CanadaGoose*

      Don’t assume the other volunteers feel the same way! You’re assuming that since you are feeling _____ about the emails, the others are too. But they may be just fine. It’s also not your problem to manage. Your availability for this work has ended, and you’ll be contributing to the world in other ways – including by taking better care of your emotional health. Guilt is a signal that you feel you’re not doing what you’re supposed to. But you weren’t supposed to be doing this stopgap help for the founder at all, or for very long. Stopping is part of what you agreed to when you started. If you approach people like they’re going to be reasonable and respect your boundaries, they likely will.

      1. Venus*

        Unfortunately I know that none of us like the emails, as we’ve all said as much to each other. When another person quit earlier this year there was a general feeling of needing to find someone to replace them because we didn’t like it to begin with and more isn’t helping. But as you say the guilt is a sign, and I’m finally going to listen to it!

        As mentioned in other responses, this is helping me to realize how unworkable things are, and I really appreciate your time in helping me understand this!

    3. Moving on up...*

      Are there other similar places you might volunteer related to the same cause? It sounds like you’re burnt out and need a change.

      1. Venus*

        Unfortunately other similar charities are generally much worse! We sometimes help each other out, so another volunteer and I track the rest of them and know all their flaws and strengths. I did try with another group last year that looked good yet learned after a few months that it was cliquish, and I didn’t fit in. If anything it’s much safer for me to continue with this group but limit what I do.

        As mentioned in other responses, this is helping me to realize how unworkable things are, and I really appreciate your time in helping me understand this! (I know I’m saying this to everyone, but I honestly mean it!)

    4. Still*

      Two years it’s a long time. You get to stop. There are ways to help, here or elsewhere, that won’t be draining and make you unhappy.

      Maybe the other volunteers are happy to keep handling the emails, or maybe they’ll follow your example and the founder will have to find another way to deal with it. You’ll don’t have to wait for them to come up with a solution before you’re allowed to opt out. You get to stop. Tell them that your next rotation will be your last one and be done. If the organisation can’t take it, it wasn’t sustainable in the first place.

      Don’t offer to do it, even rarely, unless you’re genuinely happy to do it. It sounds to me like you need it completely off your plate.

      You’ll find other ways to contribute to your community. This isn’t the only way. And I’ve never found doing things out of guilt sustainable in the long term.

      1. Venus*

        Thanks, yes, the comment about guilt really hits home.

        At the least I will offer to help if the founder does get too sick (or dies) and the charity has to shut down. I don’t want to seem so cynical about her health, but she’s about 80, has had serious health issues for many years, and had been sick and in hospital at various times for the past two years. That was my original reason, and it still stands.

        As mentioned in other responses, this is helping me to realize how unworkable things are, and I really appreciate your time in helping me understand this! (I know I’m saying this to everyone, but I honestly mean it!)

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I mean, right now your primary work isn’t going to the charity–it’s going to helping the founder pretend that everything is “normal.”

          That doesn’t mean you aren’t doing tasks, of course; but you are spending the majority of your energy indirectly, not on what you want to do.

    5. Ghostly*

      I don’t have any advice, but can commiserate. I did an unpaid internship at a non-profit in college, and then kept volunteering there on weekends for a few years. Eventually I stopped volunteering because the board members made a lot of stupid/senseless/selfish rules and decisions and I didn’t want to spend my limited free time dealing with that (had to listen to a lot of drama and venting from other volunteers). I felt really guilty and bad for a long time since I liked the non-profit itself and the other volunteers, but it really was a good move for my mental health and I regret not stopping sooner. You don’t own the charity anything, and it’ll go on without you (if they lose too many volunteers and can’t go on then that’s not your problem).

      1. Venus*

        Thanks – commiseration works too! It’s much appreciated. It helps reinforce that at the least I can step away for a while, and if I feel better about it in 6 months (i.e. don’t become annoyed with the founder every time I think of her – I really am at BEC stage and need a break ;) then I can offer to do more.

        I appreciate your time in responding, and helping me to get to a better place!

    6. carrot cake*

      “Yet I feel guilty for the other volunteers who do the emails, because it’s going to increase their workload.”
      —–

      I mean, it’s good to be considerate and all, but you just can’t take the world on your shoulders. They’ll be alright.

    7. Chauncy Gardener*

      There may be folks who don’t mind doing the emails at all!
      Agree with all the wonderful advice above as well.

    8. WoodswomanWrites*

      I used to volunteer once a week for a local group. This one was operated well and everyone was nice, but I wanted a break from committing to it after four years. Even with a perfectly functional volunteer gig, you get to decide you don’t want to do it anymore. Add on the stress you’re talking about, and it’s all the more reason to leave. Instead of feeling guilty afterwards, I hope you can instead look back with pride at the difference you made while you were there.

    9. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      Sometimes you just need to step away. My last volunteer job started stretching into being on call 24/7 and taking up 30-40 hours a week of my time as I took on more and more to keep it running. And worse I was thinking about it almost constantly. The operating structure needed a complete overhaul, but I was too burned out to fight to create change on top of keeping it floating.

      I was a SAHM at the time and that was when I decided if I was working 40 hours a week anyway, it was time to go back to getting paid, so I walked away. For about a year they kept trying to get me to help and other than making training videos so they could help themselves, I quit cold turkey.

      I’m not going to lie, the next couple of years were rough, watching the organization stumble badly. Sometimes very badly. I wasn’t sure they were going to make it but the ones who still had passion for the cause rallied and they completely reorganized top/down how the organization was run. They seem to be doing much better now and I might consider low key volunteering again. Maybe. I got tired and anxious thinking about it so I might not be ready yet.

      But in the end I think walking away was the best thing I could do for the organization. A volunteer run organization who leans entirely too much on one person is doomed. I needed to leave so people who were NOT willing to take on too much could realize that and make changes. I was enabling the bad structure by holding them together.

      1. Venus*

        Thank you so much for your experience. Sorry I didn’t respond yesterday – hopefully you see this! Know that it’s really helped me with context and my own mood, and in fact I’m taking this motivation to edit my resignation letter before work (it needs a few edits because it was too long and a little bit too raw initially – I think I’m close after today’s but I’ll do one more read before sending it).

        I really appreciate everyone’s support and feedback!

  4. Grandma Mazur*

    I’m curious to know about people’s favourite quick/mid-week recipes. Not just any old thing – what’s the one (slightly unusual or off the beaten track) meal you find yourself coming back to, for whatever reason (and what is that reason) I am specifying recipes (I appreciate there’s no real hard and fast line, but in general I mean “more complex than a tveggie traybake”/”someone has gone to the trouble of working out the proportions of spices in this dish”)

    for a long time mine was this one from Thomasina Miers: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jan/12/one-pot-penne-pasta-lentils-tomato-kale-easy-recipe-thomasina-miers

    but it has recently been eclipsed by this Rukmini Iyer recipe: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/food/2024/oct/07/quick-and-easy-spiced-black-bean-and-tomato-soup-with-avocado-and-lime-recipe-rukmini-iyer
    it’s just so simple and yet hits my need for a bit of sophistication and the kids’ desire to not see an obvious vegetable :D (tomatoes don’t count, apparently. and avocadoes are a fruit).

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Smitten Kitchen’s Skillet Turkey Chili. Really satisfying, has vegetables and protein, after the turkey rests on stuff I have in the pantry.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      HelloFresh has one called One-Pan Toscana Couscous Skillet that I have yet to get tired of. It’s super satisfying, made with chicken sausage and pretty easy (just dump various things in the skillet on their own, then all together) so I make it quite a bit when the weather gets chilly.

      1. Sitting Pretty*

        One-pot or one-pan dishes are an absolute game-changer! I make one with noodles and either chicken or turkey sausage plus whatever other things I need to use up in the fridge, and it turns out just about great every time.

    4. Jackalope*

      I like what I call Everything Pasta. I pick a type of pasta (usually penne, macaroni, or farfalle), make a basic white cheese sauce, and then add whatever needs using up. For the cheese sauce I use all of my different kinds of cheese (I like to buy a variety), and for the rest I’ll do any quick veggies I have on hand, maybe some meat if I have it already cooked (like from a rotisserie chicken or a chicken I roasted), etc. It’s great, always a bit different, and helps clear out the fridge.

    5. Jay*

      Scrambled eggs with cottage cheese and chives.
      Maybe some diced ham or sausage mixed in there, if I’m feeling fancy.
      Simple, filling, tasty, and I’ve usually got just about everything hanging around the fridge anyway.

    6. Frodo*

      Eric Kim’s Miso Roasted Salmon is quick, easy and flavorful. The recipe calls for a 24 hour marinade but I marinate for less than an hour. White miso is in many grocery stores, so you don’t need to go to a specialty market.

    7. Sitting Pretty*

      Rainbow Plant Life’s Butternut Squash and Chickpea Curry. I swear I could eat it 3x a day and never get tired of it!

      1. Bike Walk Barb*

        Thanks for mentioning this. I hadn’t been to that site before and this sounds delicious. I’ll be looking through her other recipes too.

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I dunno if this qualifies as “a recipe” but — I drop a couple of salmon fillets into the sous-vide bin about an hour before dinner is planned, then after 50 minutes I throw a bag of PF Chang’s frozen teriyaki broccoli (if I have it; otherwise plain broccoli or green beans or whatever) into the microwave to steam, then a 90-second microwave packet of brown rice. I mix the rice and veg (plus some additional teriyaki sauce if needed) in a bowl, split it into two servings, and turn out a salmon fillet into each serving. Very satisfying teriyaki salmon bowl, reasonably healthy, and low effort. (If we didn’t have the sous vide I could do the fish in the air fryer in about 15 minutes instead of the hour, but the sous vide is easier to not overcook it. It’s a tossup really.)

      I do the same kind of thing with tilapia instead of the salmon, a Spanish rice packet instead of the brown rice, and a can of black beans and a can of chili-ready tomatoes instead of the frozen veg — fish taco bowl. (My husband usually puts avocado in his too if we have it but I cannot, sigh.) Or I keep pre-cooked frozen salad shrimp in my freezer, and those can quickly and easily defrost and go into either of these. Basically weeknight dinner is usually “what can I throw together with a minimum of time and effort” :P

    9. goddessoftransitory*

      My fallbacks include Welsh Rarebit and tomato soup, cacio e pepe pasta, Marry Me cannellini beans (sooooo tasty) and things like burritos.

    10. ThatGirl*

      Serious Eats Street Cart Chicken, with the caveat that it needs to be marinated ahead of time, but that takes about 5-10 minutes the night before.

      I rarely make anything too time consuming on weeknights, but mostly I don’t use recipes – I put together my own chili or roasted tomato soup or chicken tacos or what have you.

    11. GT*

      I get a lot of mileage out of kimbap and it works well for me on a tight budget. Super easy meal once you get the hang of rolling it up. I like egg, beef bulgogi (I buy this pre-marinated from my local Asian grocery), pickled radish (Asian grocery also), and kimchi in mine. I fry the egg and beef while the rice cooks and wash some dishes if I’ve got time to spare. Serve with soy sauce, miso soup (~2 mins active time to prepare), and a beverage of choice (I like milk tea or lemonade). Making this takes about 30 mins in all, but YMMV if you have a larger appetite than me and want a heavier lunch.

    12. MissB*

      Anything that I’ve pressure canned ahead of time, lol.

      I have Mexican street taco meat (it’s chunks of beef in a spicy broth). Takes about 10 minutes to heat up and cook off some liquid, shredding it as I stir.

      Beef stroganoff is another one. Of course I have to boil the noodles but the rest of the stuff is canned up, just need to reserve some liquid and add sour cream to the contents of the jar.

      If I’m super lazy then I’ll open a jar of hash- I can it with chorizo, potatoes, onions, red bell peppers and some corn. Dump it into a skillet, move it around for about 10 minutes and toss a fried or poached egg on top with a dollop of sour cream.

      I also love roasted carrot/ginger/coconut soup. I usually throw together some cornbread to go with it. I purée the jar of canned ingredients before heating up with some coconut milk and dried thyme.

      I’ve really tried to put up some pressure canned jars this year to make dinners fast if I’m just not in the mood to cook. More and more, I’m just not in the mood to cook, lol.

      Other than that, I love a good roasted butternut orzo with spinach dish. It’s pretty much one pot except for the roasted squash. It only takes about 15 minutes but there is time spent cutting stuff up.

      1. Girasol*

        I do the same only with a big freezer. I cook school lunch lady quantities of favorites now and again and freeze single meal portions. I have spaghetti sauce, beef vegetable soup, chicken soup, portobello soup, pot roast, chicken and gravy, beef stew, and swedish meatballs frozen at the moment. I like being able to have a creative flurry in the kitchen now and again and then not bother with cooking much of the time.

    13. Catagorical*

      I’m not a very good cook but I frequently make a nice stovetop chicken adobo. Simple, not too many ingredients, complex tangy taste.

    14. YrLocalLibrarian*

      I make a quick vegan pasta sauce in the high speed blender: 1 jar (smaller size) of roasted red peppers, half a jar of sundried tomatoes packed in oil, a handful of cashews, 3 Tbs nutritional yeast, a bit of hot water.

      While pasta water is boiling/pasta is cooking I wilt down tons of spinach and a sauté pan, stir in the sauce to warm it through, and then dumped my pasta in the pan and stir everything together. I served with a lot of black pepper for me and grated Parmesan for the non-vegan folks.

      This is super flexible. You can add precooked meat, vegetarian sausage, different vegetables, (caramelized onions, and zucchini is another favorite) chickpeas or butter beans in place of pasta. Plus it has the advantage of taking about the amount of time required to boil some pasta.

    15. Mary Lynne*

      Broiled fish and veggies. I always have bags of frozen fish fillets – cod, flounder, salmon, talapia, whatever. I stock up at Aldi. They go in the toaster oven, still frozen, with a little olive oil and lemon or white wine and whatever seasonings I grab from the Penzey’s store in my cupboard. I have every plain frozen vegetable blend available, I grab one and steam/simmer with seasonings. It comes together in about 10 minutes, I can make just the amount for the people eating (no leftovers!), There is enough variety in kind of fish and which veggie blend and seasonings it doesn’t feel like we are eating the same thing a few nights a week, and it is so healthy! Sometimes I will make a side of brown rice or wild rice blend if I start thinking about dinner sooner than 15 minutes before we want to eat.

    16. WellRed*

      I buy cooked shredded chicken to keep on hand. Chicken, fresh or frozen veggies of your choice (I like peppers and onions) and spicy stir fry sauce warmed up in pan for about five minutes, minute rice single serve in microwave for one minute, dump stir fry into rice. This also works with a Mexican flair, use fajita sauce and again, rice or some sort of beans. Fast, flavor packed, inexpensive and reasonably healthy.

    17. wkfauna*

      Instant pot chicken saag from Piping Pot Curry. It has almost no prep and is super quick cooking. I make it with whole chicken thighs which I take out at the end of cooking, then blend everything else really thoroughly. My somewhat picky kid loves it and this way eats gobs and gobs of spinach.

    18. Accidental Itenerate Teacher*

      Ours is goat cheese chicken
      We first had it as a meal from one of the meal prep companies- either blue apron or home chef but it was super simple so now we just get the ingredients and make it ourselves
      It’s just flattened chicken breasts wrapped around a little goat cheese (mixed with herbs and spinach if we’re feeling fancy) and baked then sprinkled with some crispy onions before serving.
      We usually pair it with prosciutto wrapped asparagus.

      1. run mad; don't faint*

        Smitten Kitchen does a lovely and easy shakshuka:
        https://smittenkitchen.com/2010/04/shakshuka/. It’s often served with pita bread. My family often makes hash browns and serve the shakshuka over them. (It’s what my kids like.)

        I also like eggs baked in cream with herbs. It’s just what it sounds like: put a 1/2 cup – 1 cup of cream in a oven proof skillet, add a couple of handfuls of fresh herbs such as parsley, dill and chives. Bring to a simmer. Salt and pepper to taste. Crack in as many eggs as you want for the meal, then put the skillet into a 425° oven for 6-8 minutes or until the eggs are done to your preference. We serve it with toast and a quick fruit salad.

    19. ReallyBadPerson*

      For those who eat meat: One of of our go-to weeknight meals is Japanese tuna mayo rice from NYT cooking, but if you don’t have a subscription, it’s this: Set up your rice cooker before you leave for work so that the rice will be ready when you get home. Per person, mix one can of oil-packed tuna (drained) with 2 T mayo (Kewpie is fabulous, but you can use whatever you like), 1 tsp sesame oil, 1/2 tsp soy sauce or tamari. We also add a splash of rice vinegar. Plop on top of your rice. Top with sliced cucumber, avocado, furikake, anything that sounds good. If you drink alcohol, serve with sake.

      Another dish we do is ground beef with bulgogi flavors, also on top of rice. It’s not as good as actual beef bulgogi, but it’s a lot quicker.

      For a vegetarian meal, brown some gnocchi in a skillet with butter, throw in some sliced, oil-packed sun-dried tomatoes, drained white beans, toasted walnuts, and pesto from a jar. If you need it wetter or richer, stir in some cream. You can also grate some parmesan over the top, but we don’t usually bother.

    20. Pretty as a Princess*

      Rice or quinoa, black beans, grilled chicken, corn, onions, bell peppers, cheese: burrito bowl for the win.

      I cheat and buy the grilled chicken in packages at either Costco or Aldi. (Yes, I could buy chicken and grill it but I am so absolutely swamped for time that I’m happy to pay for someone else to grill it for me.)

    21. carcinization*

      Just made my fave on Halloween, which is Smitten Kitchen’s Mushrooms & Greens with Toast. It’s way greater than the sum of its parts, and even though she kind of says not to make it with baby spinach, that’s what I always do while still following the instructions to a T. I usually end up just using baby bellas or maybe a pound of those and a half pound of slightly fancier mushrooms, and it always turns out great. I posted it on social media years back and one of my friends upset me by saying she was wary of making it because her spouse wouldn’t eat it and she wasn’t sure leftovers would be good… I told her that the leftovers are so good that my husband and I fight over them every time!

      1. Bike Walk Barb*

        Ooh, thanks for pointing to this. Sounds great and at my house it’s unlikely there would BE any leftovers.

        The way I read the baby spinach comment, she just means that would cook a lot faster than more mature greens so it would be less than the 5-8 minutes cooking time at that stage. This doesn’t sound like a recipe that would be harmed by 5 minutes more or less either way.

        1. carcinization*

          Right… and I’m saying that I follow the recipe exactly, other than that I do use baby spinach… so I do cook the baby spinach that long and it tastes good to me that way. Hope that you enjoy if if you try it!

    22. KathyG*

      Greek Lentils

      1 lb whole green or brown lentils
      1 small can tomato paste
      1 tsp sugar
      2 chopped carrots
      1 chopped large onion
      3-4 minced garlic cloves
      2 bay leaves
      2 tsp salt
      pepper
      Olive oil
      Red wine vinegar

      Put a splash of olive oil in the bottom of a pot and sauté the carrots and onions for about 5 minutes, then add the garlic for another minute.

      Add the lentils & mix. Add water, to a level about an inch above the lentils. Add the salt & pepper; mix then add bay leaves. Some people like to add squirt of ketchup. This fills up a 3 qt pot.

      Cook on medium-low with the pot half covered stirring every once in a while until it reduces as thick as you want it and the lentils are done. Add tomato paste & sugar after 15 minutes. Taste for salt after 30-45 min. You may need to add a little more water if they are not done by the time it gets thick. You can have it as thick or soupy as you want.

      Take out the bay leaves and serve with a drizzle of olive oil and red wine vinegar on top. The vinegar is important; it really makes the dish. Crumbled feta too is good if you have it.

      This works as a soup or a stew over rice or potatoes (which can be cooked right in the same pot). Leftovers can be stored in the fridge for several days or frozen for up to 3 months.

  5. Mom of Two Littles*

    This is silly, and Halloween re-ignited a debate. But AAM-readers, which candy is the worst between Almond Joy and Three Musketeers? When I would trick-or-treat, one of these would be the very last uneaten chocolate in my candy stash by mid-November. I won’t say my vote yet, but curious about you all.

        1. RC*

          Ok but like, I love actual young coconut? It’s just when it’s “candy coconut” where it’s just all dry and tough and overly sugared that it’s so gross. I feel candy coconut has done a disservice to the actual …fruit? Nut? Seed? Plant! (Now I find myself wondering what is it, botanically)

          1. Bike Walk Barb*

            This made me go look it up. It’s a fruit, specifically a type known as a drupe. A drupe has a hard outer shell and contains a seed. It can also be referred to as a tree nut but doesn’t have the allergens of other true nuts.

            Thanks for inspiring today’s bit of learning.

            And yes, candy coconut is just not the same thing as putting large flaked dried coconut into the granola recipe from Salt Fat Acid Heat, which is the best granola ever.

      3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Oh geez, I got so hung up on the ALMOND YUCK that I forgot about the coconut. Double yuck.

        1. word nerd*

          IT’S JOY NOT YUCK!! ;)

          I feel like we need to work in the same office with a candy bowl, like the recent letter talking about Starburst flavors were the LW liked the flavors that another colleague was leaving behind.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            That’s the way to do it, yo. If everyone eating out of the candy bowl likes the same thing, that way lies madness. If everyone has a different favorite, the candy bowl is much more peaceful, and you get ALLLLL the coconut to stick to your teeth and I can have ALLLLLL the squooshy nougat. Everybody wins. :)

            But if you are also going to go digging for anything Reese’s, we might have issues. (I don’t like nut bits, but smooth peanut butter and chocolate is a win for me.)

            1. Jessica*

              Exactly! I would love to work with you people and your wrong opinions. More delicious Almond Joys for meeeeeee! But I acknowledge that coconut is fascinatingly divisive.

      5. Girasol*

        Almond Joy? Yum. I’ll eat yours. I’ll take your leftover Three Musketeers too. The ones I always left for last were those rolls of powdery tablets, the ones like Necco wafers only cheaper.

        1. Clisby*

          Yep! I love Mounds. Almond Joy not so much, because it’s milk chocolate and I’m not crazy about almonds, but I’ll eat it. Three Musketeers is fine, but would rank behind both of these.

      7. dontbeadork*

        Agree.

        Almond Joy is the candy you give to someone you don’t like, but you have to look like you’re being nice to everyone.

    2. word nerd*

      Almond Joy is one of my faves (I love coconut) and I hate 3 Musketeers–I don’t think I would even eat a bar if someone offered me $10 to do it.

      1. Sitting Pretty*

        You’re not alone! So few people give it out because coconut is so reviled. But when I see it in my kid’s bucket, I get so happy. No one else in the house is going to want it so that means more for me!

    3. LGP*

      I love Three Musketeers! I’m not a fan of Almond Joy; I prefer Mounds because dark chocolate is the best. :)

      1. Two-Faced Big-Haired Food Critic*

        Same here. When I was a kid, the worst candies were Mary Jane or Bit ‘O Honey. Those seem to have been phased out, so I probably was not alone in that opinion.

        1. Candy!!*

          My son had a Bit O’ Honey in his truck or treat bag this year and I exclaimed “oh my god! These are the worst. I can’t believe they still sell these and give them out!” Turns out he chose it among the candies in the bowl because he had never seen it before and it was different from the usual candies. Lol.

          Almond Joys are one of my favs. Peanut butter cups are at the top, but I’d say Almond Joys are probably a close second or third choice.

          2. Can't Sit Still*

            I loved fresh Bit O’ Honey when they’re soft and chewy. Alas, they are excellent at pulling off crowns and fillings, so I don’t even attempt them anymore. I’m going to assume they aren’t as good as I remember so that I don’t miss them.

        2. Middle Aged Lady*

          For some reason, my brother called Bit O Honey “horse candy.” I haven’t thought about that in years!

          1. Clisby*

            My mother loved those, so we often had them in the house. None of us kids liked them. Come to think of it, maybe this was a strategic preference on her part.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Worst is 100% Almond Joy. But I don’t like nuts (or subsequently any candy with nuts) and 3 Musketeers is one of my top choice candy bars – in fact, there’s a full sized one on my end table for me to snack on sometime this weekend. :)

    5. FalsePremise*

      Three Musketeers is one of my very favorite candy bars. I will choose it over almost anything else. I used to loathe Almond Joy and Mounds – I am not a big coconut person – but now I will eat them if nothing I like better is around.

      1. sagewhiz*

        Ditto! Three Muskateers was always my fave to get as a kid out trick-or-treating.

        Sidebar: years ago fellow at work had a baby. A boy. Instead of handing out cigars, he handed out Almond Joy candy bars. When asked why, he replied, “Almond Joy has nuts. Mounds don’t.” (It would’ve been Mounds if it had been a girl. ;-)

    7. Scholarly Publisher*

      While both are inferior to Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, I will still cheerfully eat either when my blood sugar allows.

    9. goddessoftransitory*

      Hah, I actually like both of them! But of the two I’d say Three Musketeers–I’ve gotten to the stage where two bites of that filling is satiety level.

    10. Bluebell Brenham*

      I like both but think Reese’s cups are gross, so I can happily coexist w coconut haters. We had a mix of candy last night, but I felt bad for the kiddo who was searching for a $100k bar- that was one thing we didn’t have!

    11. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      I don’t like either, but if I was being force-fed one, I would prefer Almond Joy.

    12. GoryDetails*

      I love Almond Joy. Can eat Three Musketeers but it’s not a personal favorite. Back when there were trick-or-treaters in my neighborhood I’d buy Almond Joy bars so that I could enjoy the leftovers.

    13. RagingADHD*

      I actually like almonds and coconut, so for me Three Musketeers is the worse of the two. I will sometimes eat it if I’m having a big chocolate craving, though.

      But either one is better than candy corn.

    14. Double A*

      They’re both delicious but you can have those chocolate covered moth balls they market as Whoppers.

      1. California Dreamin’*

        lol, I was eating Whoppers out of the bowl last night and one of my teenagers was like why on earth are you eating those.

      2. The Cosmic Avenger*

        I came here to say that Three Musketeers and Almond Joy are two of my absolute favorites, but Whoppers are right up there with them! My spouse actually got a bag of mixed fun-sized candy that included Whoppers so I would have some. :)

      3. Harlowe*

        Controversial take: letting Whoppers melt in my mouth until the pitted center is exposed gives me the same mouth-feel satisfaction as eating Bosc pears.

    15. MissGirl*

      I actually have empirical evidence for this and it’s neither. My coworker left a giant bowl of candy out on her porch. Several hours later, all that was left was were lots of Whoppers.

    16. California Dreamin’*

      Almond Joy is the worst. I like Three Musketeers a lot, but I assume we can all agree that Reese’s is actually the best.

      1. California Dreamin’*

        Actually, glancing at the state of our candy bowl from last night would suggest that perhaps Milk Duds are the worst?

    18. Ochre*

      Hot take part 1: all of them taste like wax to me now. Did they change the chocolate or is it me?

      Hot take part 2: Of the mass-market fun-size chocolate bars, Snickers are actually the worst, but I am a “save the good stuff for last” person so I would eat them first if I couldn’t foist them off on someone who would like them. I don’t mind Three Musketeers or Almond Joy so maybe we can trade. Best= Payday, assuming you’re not allergic to peanuts. Or salt.

    20. Isabel Archer*

      Why all the coconut hate? Do none of you like macaroons, either? A good chocolate-dipped macaroon is heaven!

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Was anyone else confused when macarons abruptly appeared a few years ago, but with a name that sounds like an existing cookie?

          (I assume it is an Olde Frenche Recipe and was discovered. I have had some okay ones but I do not get the implied glamour.)

      4. All Monkeys are French*

        I thought I hated Almond Joy because I hated it as a kid. This year my my spouse bought a candy mix with Almond Joy in it and my first thought was “ew, gross!” And then I finally clued into the fact that it’s basically a chocolate dipped macaroon and I love those! Now all that’s left are the peppermint patties. Ick.

    22. Seashell*

      As a kid, I did not like any whole nuts or chunks of nuts in my candy, so I would not touch Almond Joy. Now, I can tolerate Almond Joy, but prefer Three Musketeers, although it’s not my favorite.

        1. Clisby*

          Yes, that’s it. Peanut butter as a flavoring is great in some soups and marinades (assuming you’re not allergic to peanuts, of course), but no one should be sweetening it.

        2. Bike Walk Barb*

          If they do it right it’s the saltiness of peanut butter or peanuts that balances the sweetness of chocolate (preferably dark). I’m now thinking fondly of the peanut butter chocolate balls my mom used to make at Christmas and I have to go in search of that recipe.

      3. Can't Sit Still*

        I’ll take all of your Abba-Zaba’s! And now I see that the factory closed this September. I loved Abba-Zaba and Big Hunk, but I haven’t seen them in a long time, so I guess it’s only surprising they were still open.

      4. goddessoftransitory*

        Not unpopular in this neck of the woods. I’ve never ever liked peanut butter in any form.

    26. My Brain is Exploding*

      LoL Almond Joy is my spouse’s FAVORITE, so the kids (who hate coconut) used to give them the ones they got on Halloween. I actually like both of those, but I’ll hijack this a bit and say – NO to candy corn. Also a few years ago a different company acquired Butterfingers, they somehow changed the recipe, and aren’t as good. When the change first happened, I brought home a bag of the “new” recipe, and my spouse asked me if I thought Butterfingers could go bad – the taste difference is noticeable.

    27. Ghostly*

      Three Musketeers tie with KitKats for my favorite Halloween candy. I honestly haven’t had Musketeers in a few years though, so maybe I’m far enough into adulthood that they’d be too sweet now.

      I think I’ve had Almond Joys before among Halloween candy. I don’t remember them being terrible, but I wouldn’t chose them over other candy. I do like coconut in Easter egg/bunny candy though.

    29. Elizabeth West*

      The worst trick-or-treat candy in my opinion is those gross peanut-butter taffy things in the orange and black wrappers. Ick!

      Best is Milky Way Midnight. Full-sized bars, please. Although all candy bars seem to have shrunk even as the price has skyrocketed so I rarely eat it anymore.

    30. Alex*

      Almond joy is disgusting and I would rather eat nothing!

      I like three musketeers! In fact when I was a kid trick or treating it was my favorite.

    31. Mom of Two Littles*

      I’ve been loving these comments and have been sharing them with the respective Team Almond Joy and Team Three Musketeers. I’m glad it’s a bit divided and the unexpected Whopper hate was a funny plot twist!

      As a Team Almond JOY, every time I eat a Three Musk I think “why did someone make my Milkyway worse?”

    32. Chaordic One*

      I’m not really a fan of either Almond Joy or Three Musketeers but, between the two of them, Almond Joy is the worst. Coconut. Ick!

      Three Musketeers, Milky Way and Snickers are all basically the same candy bar with the same chocolaty creamy filling. Milky Way adds a layer of caramel to creamy filling which makes it taste less sweet. Snickers adds peanuts to the caramel and creamy filling. I think Milky Way manages to hit the spot and is my fave.

    33. Goldfeesh*

      Three Musketeers are head and shoulders about Almond Joy. Not joyful at all with that coconut and the chocolate isn’t that good either. ICK!

    34. ReallyBadPerson*

      I’d eat both of those. But if you’re handing out Necco wafers, you can expect to be egged, or toilet-papered, or whatever kids do these days.

    35. RedinSC*

      Awww, I like them both.

      I think the worst is the plain old Hershey bar. It’s only use is for S’mores

    37. Chauncy Gardener*

      Not a huge fan of either, but I’d say Almond Joy is worse. It’s not even good frozen.

    38. Fluff*

      Proud owner of the house which also gave out full size 3 Musketeers. Yes, my paycheck goes to Halloween.

      There is an art and mood to eating those too. Depending on the weather (temp and humidity) you may want to gently nimble off the chocolate before eating the inside. Or for special times, a frozen 3 M is a treat.

      :-)
      Team Musketeer here.

    40. Cedrus Libani*

      Three Musketeers are edible but boring. They’re beige in candy bar form.

      Almond Joy isn’t at the very top of my list, but it’s up there. In a shared candy bowl situation, the path of maximum overall satisfaction likely involves giving me all the Almond Joy and York Peppermint Patties (another polarizing choice that’s high on my list) and none of the Reese’s (while I’m fond of homemade peanut butter cups, Reese’s is a cheap knockoff version that’s barely worth eating…but that’s an unpopular opinion, more for other people I guess).

    41. dapfloodle*

      Almond Joy is my absolute favorite candy to get (I don’t buy candy bars to eat, but like, if Place That Must not be Named asks me to fill out a sheet with my favorite candy, that’s what I write), so you can guess my answer!

    42. WoodswomanWrites*

      I was never a fan of Almond Joy but like the Mounds without the nuts. Three Muskateers was definitely better.

      I’m not a big candy person but do occasionally succumb to my co-workers’ candy bowl. Inevitably I go for the KitKat, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, and the Twix.

      Now I’m wishing I had candy.

      1. Varthema*

        Brits and Irish etc reading this thread should be aware that Three Musketeers = British Milky Way and Milky Way = British Mars bar. Snickers is always Snickers because it’s the best.

        1. Lexi Vipond*

          Thank you – I started off with no idea what anything was, which actually made the discussion oddly entertaining!

          Almond Joy sounds like Bounty (good) with added almonds (bad), and Whoppers are like giant Maltesers?

          1. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

            Whoppers are not giant. Maybe 1 cm diameter. Chocolate-covered malted milk balls.

          2. fhqwhgads*

            Whoppers and Maltesers and like Pepsi and Coke, by which I mean, nearly the same but people do tend to have a preference and if you had one and then the other you’d juuuust barely be able to tell the difference.

    43. Charlotte Lucas*

      Those are two of my favorites!

      But without nuts wins over with nuts for me every time. (Milky Way is better than Snickers. And Mounds is better than Almond Joy.)

      1. Mom of Two Littles*

        During the same original debate we were also discussing if adding nuts to things made them worse. We mostly said yes, particularly with brownies, but all agreed that Snickers were good.

  6. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs!

    I just finished Be a Revolution by Ijeoma Oluo. It was a wonderful book, although slow going because I had to think about everything, and helped me feel less hopeless about the world that I have lately because of *vague hand wave at world issues*. And now I’m reading We Will Be Jaguars by Nemonte Nenquimo, who is a member of one of the tribes in Ecuador’s Amazon rainforest. It’s her memoir and a memoir of her tribe, including growing up in a small village in the forest, dealing with missionaries, fighting oil companies, and trying to figure out what she wants her life to be. I’m enjoying it a lot so far, although CW sexual assault.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I love Ijeoma’s writing, I keep forgetting to pick that one up. She’s so good at the balance between honest and uplifting.

      I finished The Witch’s Daughter, which got less enjoyable as I went. Excited to try some of the other witchy suggestions people gave me last week!

      I’m hoping to finish Sabriel this weekend, it’s a re-read that was already going slowly but then I both joined a book club and got really busy, so I haven’t gotten back to it for awhile.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Hero by Thomas Perry. Thriller about a bodyguard who shoots two people attempting an ambush on her clients, who winds up being hunted across LA by the thugs’ employer. This was well executed, and I like that bodyguard and assassin were pretty evenly matched, and limited financial resources for hiding was a limiting factor on her options.

      Inspired by last week’s thread, I decided to reread Murder with Peacocks, the first Meg Langslow mystery. Who wouldn’t want to spend their summer planning three weddings?

      1. Magdalena*

        I just checked out The Hero and I’m hooked! As in, got it on Kindle and can’t tear myself away. Thank you for the recommendation!

    3. word nerd*

      For Audible members who like John Scalzi, there was a short Audible original by him released last month called Constituent Service that was entertaining and included as part of the Audible membership. Nothing terribly deep, but Scalzi is always fun.

      I gave up on Claire Lombardo’s Same as It Ever Was 35% in. The main character spent the entire time wallowing and the marriage dynamic did not feel realistic at all. Lots of meh books for me this week.

      2. The OG Sleepless*

        I gave up on Same As it Ever Was pretty quickly too. It just felt like a lot of manufactured drama.

    4. Teapot Translator*

      I read The Queen of Poisons by Robert Thorogood (third in the Marlow Murder Club). Do not recommend.
      I also read The Spy Coast by Tess Gerritsen. It was OK, but not really my type of book.

    5. Mitchell Hundred*

      I have very few obligations this weekend, so I’ll probably spend a good chunk of it burning through “The Will to Change” by bell hooks. I also want to reread Come Prima by Alfred, which is a comic that I love dearly.

    6. Q. T. Pie*

      Just finished reading Kevin MacDonald’s Culture of Critique. I’m not 100 percent sold on some of it but I thought it was a pretty good read. I’d definitely recommend it to anyone interested in psychology.

      1. Magdalena*

        I just looked it up on Wikipedia and the full book series is described as promoting antisemitic views so maybe your spidey sense was triggered by the first volume?

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      Just starting Stephen King’s latest collection, You Like It Darker–like JUST just, I’m three pages into the first story–but am already intrigued.

      At work I’m toting the previously mentioned The Ghost Variations and the essay collection Ecstasy and Effrontery back and forth. Now that my October reading is over I have to finish up a bunch of new stuff before December Reading starts!

    8. Scholarly Publisher*

      I’ve been rereading Kerry Greenwood’s Phyrne Fisher mysteries. My first read of #21, Death in Daylesford, I had a lot of trouble getting into it; on this reading I liked it a little better, though I still found it one of her weaker books.

      I now have #22, Murder in Williamstown, out from the library. So far, it’s okay, but I’m finding the many plot threads hard to keep up with, though I assume they’ll come together later.

      I’m also reading Who’s Sorry Now?, #2 in Maggie Robinson’s Lady Adelaide mysteries. So far, so good.

    9. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      I’ve been on a children’s book kick this week with indigenous authors – Healer of the Water Monster by Brian Young (Navajo/Dine), where a young boy spends this summer with his grandmother on the Navajo Reservation and meets Navajo Holy Beings and helps with his uncle’s serious problems; Sisters of the Neversea by Cynthia Leteich Smith (Muskogee Creek), a retelling of Peter Pan with a darker Peter Pan; and Eagle Drums by Nasugraq Rainey Hopson (Iñupiaq), which retells the creation story for the Messenger Feast. I’m currently reading Elatesoe by Darcie Little Badger (Lipan Apache), about a Lipan girl who can raise ghosts (her dead dog’s ghost is a constant companion). So far, this one seems darker than the others I’ve been reading, but the are all good.

      1. RC*

        Oooh, I will take those recs! I am going to finish Sheine Lende this weekend which is the prequel to Elatsoe, because the library is already mad I’ve kept it too long :x I really liked A Snake Falls To Earth too, although I felt it was a bit slower to get going. Also I’m always a fan of authors who pivoted from a science background.

    11. Lizard*

      I finished the Listening House by Mabel Seeley tonight. It was a great mystery, and I’ll definitely be checking out more of her books! Next up is Sisi: Empress On Her Own by Allison Pataki. And I’m my making my way through a collection of Poe short stories.

      I can’t remember if I thanked the people who recommended ‘palette cleanser’ books a few weeks/months ago, but if I didn’t – thanks! I read Days at the Morisaki Bookshop (Satoshi Yagisawa) and The Empress of Salt and Fortune (Nghi Vo) immediately, and they were exactly what I was looking for. I read The Wizard of Earthsea (Ursula Le Guin) a few weeks later and loved that too!

      2. Autumn*

        I recommended The Empress of Salt and Fortune – so glad you liked it! All the books in that series are wonderful, and I just finished her standalone The City in Glass, which I loved and will be re-reading.

      3. Hibiscus*

        That Mabel Seeley book was AMAZING from the first page, especially for something written in the 1930s. I hope more of her work is reissued.

    12. chocolate muffins*

      Almost done with The Sentence by Louise Erdrich. The first half was kind of meh for me but once the narrative gets to COVID, the book has resonated a lot more. I was reading this before bed one night and woke up the next morning feel devastated without being able to figure out why, until I remembered what I had been reading and realized that I felt similarly to how I felt in March 2020. Plus the list of reading suggestions at the end has given me a lot of other ideas for things to read.

      Have you all read any good books that address COVID? Tom Lake is another one that comes to mind immediately for me that I very much liked. Also a book whose title and author I can’t remember, about a … doctor? medical student? … who works a whole lot and is about to go on a mandated vacation when COVID hits. COVID happens just at the very end of the book but you know the entire book that it’s coming, which makes the whole thing read differently. Very much liked that one as well despite my lack of memory for anything that would help anyone else find this novel!

      1. ThatGirl*

        There’s a Jodi Picoult book that took me back. Wish You Were Here. Woman decides to go on a trip just as covid starts and gets stranded.

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        The one you mentioned sounds like Joan Is Okay by Weike Wang – she’s a doctor whose immigrant parents had moved back to China and the mom is in the process of returning to the US after the dad died.

        I wasn’t really a fan of The Sentence or Joan is Okay, but a book that weirdly resonated with me in that way was Year of Wonders, which is about the town that quarantined during the bubonic plague. I read it in 2021 and it felt very cathartic and relatable despite being written 20 years pre-Covid and being set in the 1600s.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Year of Wonders resonated for me too, even though I thought it was going to be “isolated to keep the plague out” and instead it was “isolated to keep the plague within our borders from infecting everyone outside.”

        2. Mrs. Frisby*

          In a similar vein, if just plague books will scratch the itch, my book club (sort of accidentally) read The Doomsday Book by Connie Willis early in the pandemic. It’s about a time traveler who goes back to the time of the bubonic plague at the same time a flu epidemic is happening in a future England.

          It’s deeply sad, but what my book club was really fascinated by was what she got right about the idea of a modern pandemic. Some of the “futuristic” technology (it was written in the early 90’s and the futuristic part is set in the 2050s, I think) is hysterically wrong, but the way people acted during the epidemic felt familiar. An interesting take.

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            I’ve read that book every December for quite a few years now, and yeah, it resonated in a whole different way during and after. Her deep understanding of human stubbornness in the face of real, actual mass casualties was scarily on point.

          2. Dark Macadamia*

            My book club was reading The Murmur of Bees, about the 1918 Spanish flu, as our February or March 2020 book. It was extremely stressful lol

        3. chocolate muffins*

          Yes, that’s the one (Joan is Okay) – thank you for helping my brain remember that!

      3. Jessica*

        If you enjoy short stories, try The Best Short Stories 2022: The O. Henry Prize Winners, or Pushcart Prize XLVI: Best of the Small Presses. Both of these have some great stories dealing with the pandemic.

      4. Falling Diphthong*

        John Scalzi’s Kaiju Preservation Society is set during covid, with a hero who was working for a company doing takeout: He gets laid off from his analyst position and has to take a job for them doing delivery, as his Broadway performer roommates won’t be bringing in any money. As a delivery man, he stumbles into someone from his school days who needs a replacement on a secret mission…

        I will also note that Leslye Penelope was going to set The Monster We Defy in Harlem, but the pandemic kept her close to home so she moved the setting to DC. Which I think was a good thing–it conveys a very strong sense of a place that hasn’t featured much in fiction.

        1. Firebird*

          I loved the Kaiju Preservation Society. I still get a chuckle thinking about the main character modestly saying “I lift things” and everyone nods knowingly.

        2. Pterodactyls are under-cited in the psychological literature*

          Kaiju Preservation Society has become a comfort read for me, I go back to it a couple times a year. Excellent humor and yeah covid is in there but it’s not a huge focus, if you need your plague reminders with a light touch.

        3. RC*

          +1 on Kaiju Preservation Society. I also enjoyed his Lock In/Head On duology, which was written in like 2014 and basically asks what if there was a global pandemic, and instead of minimizing it and making all the wrong decisions as people are disabled and dying, instead we put a whole bunch of money and resources to research and helping the 1% of people who end up “locked in” by this disease. That’s all just the setup, it’s more a whodunit/mystery kind of thing that’s got similar vibes to some of his other stuff. But set in that world.

      5. word nerd*

        If you liked Tom Lake, Ann Patchett also wrote These Precious Days, an essay collection that includes events during covid. Really lovely and my favorite thing she wrote.

      6. Bike Walk Barb*

        Our Country Friends by Gary Shteyngart is about a batch of people stuck in a house when the lockdown hits.

        Lucy by the Sea by Elizabeth Strout is in a series of interlocking books about the same characters. I’d been reading the series and didn’t know I was going to encounter a book set in that period.

        Someone here recommended Elly Griffiths’ series on Dr. Ruth Galloway and I’ve read my way through all of them. A couple of the later ones are set during that time and for me captured that feeling of a strange hollowness coupled with unexpected quiet and fresh air (for me as someone who had the privilege of teleworking from home).

      7. cleo*

        Jodi McAlister’s Marry Me Juliet trilogy is set in Melbourne . It’s a romance series that takes place on the set of a fictional, Bachelor type series during one of the lockdowns in, I think, 2021.

        Each book focuses on a different couple during the filming of the show. Books 1 and 3 are m/f and book 2 is f/f. Because they’re in a bubble, the plots can mostly focus on romantic shenanigans but with an underlying worry / dread about what’s going on outside. Especially in book 2, where one of the main characters works in health care. Book 2 (Can i steal you for a minute?) also works as a stand alone and is my favorite.

    13. germank106*

      I just worked my way through half of The Henna Artist. It sounded like such a good book (lots to learn about Hindu culture in the 1950s), but I had to finally give up because it was just too boring.
      Now I’m starting on Michael Crichton’s Micro. Much more in line with my scientific mind. Incidentally my husband is watching Jurassic Park while I read. Two Crichtons for the price of one.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Micro was a good one. Damn, I miss Crichton. I read all of Michael Palmer’s medical thrillers too. :(

    14. Spacewoman Spiff*

      I finished rereading THE LITTLE STRANGER by Sarah Waters recently, and it was incredible…she builds her worlds so expertly and pulls together a haunted house story with this larger story about changing British society. Just as good on the reread.

      And now I’m listening to BEAUTYLAND by Marie-Helene Bertino. About an alien who is born in the form of a human girl, to report to her people whether Earth might be a potential home—they’re facing extinction on their home planet. It took me a little while to get going but I’m now really enjoying it, it’s so well-written.

    15. My Brain is Exploding*

      I just finished the Elegance of the Hedgehog. Did not like the book, primarily due to the style of writing (which was supposed to be the musings of some very intellectual characters but some of the vocabulary and references were beyond me and I disliked the discussion(s) of philosophy. Skipped thru it, loosely following, and DID NOT SEE the ending coming. I don’t want to give it away…will continue in comment below.

        1. LadyB*

          Agree. I hated the ending and really begrudged the time I spent on the book to get to that point. it felt like the author had reached her target wordcount and wanted to finish the book asap

    16. Ghostly*

      I read The Unexpected Mrs. Pollifax after seeing it mentioned here a few times. I thought it was pretty good, especially for something so old (my library copy was from the 1966 I think–very musty and stained!), but I’m not sure if I should read more. It was a short book, but felt like it took me forever to finish. I guess the pacing was slow? Do the rest of the books in the series get better?

      1. dontbeadork*

        I found that one a bit slower than the others. I’m not sure how you mean “better”, but as Gilman settled a bit more onto her character the books seem to flow better.

      2. Rosyglasses*

        I’ve loved them all so far but I do think her character gets more interesting with each adventure!

    17. Nervous Nellie*

      One for me this week because it’s huge – Anna Karenina, the Pevear & Volokhonsky translation. In the bookshop I read the first 2 pages of this translation and then the first two pages of two other translations produced in the last 70 years. This one gripped me immediately, while the others were a bit laborious, so this one won. What a soap opera of a story! It’s fantastic.

      It also made me reflect on the fact that translators interpret the words from the original language in the context of the time in which they were written, and then craft a translation that resonates in modern language for modern readers. That’s evident when you put these translations side by side.

      The translation makes the book accessible to readers who might not appreciate the older language & sentence structure, if they could read the original language. I read broadly but have never warmed to books written in my first language by Jane Austen, Thomas Hardy, etc. and could never fall in love with Charles Dickens (gasp! I know – except for A Christmas Carol – forgive me). I wonder if a modern translator translated these books in French for modern readers, they would grab me? Just a thought as I marvel at selfish/tragic Anna Karenina and her dreadful brother.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I had that reaction with the translation of War and Peace I read; in the forward the author explains that a certain character is beautiful, and rather picking out a lot of synonyms for beautiful the translators used that precise one every single time. It’s because the character is basically a doll programmed by her parents and society to Be Pretty and Say Cute Things–she’s as deep as a mirror and doesn’t have facets.

    18. Elizabeth West*

      Finished Gabino Iglesias’ House of Bone and Rain, a slightly paranormal revenge novel set in Puerto Rico during Hurricane Maria. I wish this was a movie, but only if the director didn’t pull any punches.

      Now reading Talia Lavin’s Wild Faith: How the Christian Right Is Taking Over America. If you wonder why evangelicals have gone all in for He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, this is the book to read.

    19. Jackalope*

      I finished We Will Be Jaguars (see first post) and I SO recommend it now. The author has a vivid writing style that gripped me – it was a nonfiction book that I gulped down in two days, and it only took that long because I had to work those days too – and brilliant descriptions. Also, having grown up reading books about missionaries and explorers who went to places like where this author is from (she’s from a tribe in the Ecuadorian Amazon rainforest), it’s about freaking time that someone who’s indigenous gets to share their story. There are some bits that are tough, but while she’s frank about the difficult parts she also talks about a lot of the things she loves from her home and I enjoyed it a lot.

      1. Bike Walk Barb*

        Thanks for mentioning this. I’m going to recommend it to a cousin whose parents were missionaries and to my brother who traveled through several South American countries. Both will appreciate having the indigenous viewpoint centered.

    20. Double A*

      I just finished An Ember in the Ashes and the sequel A Torch in the Dark which are apparently YA but they are SO violent. They are essentially about a genocide. I dunno. I couldn’t stop reading but felt pretty gross by the end. And there’s a third but I don’t know if I’ll go on. It’s weird to me how the most violent books are YA.

      I just started The Raven Boys and I am loving it. So well written so far. I appreciate that the magic feels very grounded. I don’t think there will be any “because magic!” solutions to plot holes, which I’m getting sick of though I suppose it’s an occupational hazard of fantasy writing.

    21. GoryDetails*

      Finishing up The Whispers by Ashley Audrain, a riveting psychological thriller involving a close-knit neighborhood where four very different women have very different attitudes towards motherhood. (I admit that I do not like most of the main characters very much, though I am intrigued by the depiction of their respective internal lives – and how much those might differ from their outward behaviors.)

      Starting The Body by Bill Bryson, another of his pop-culture non-fiction works.

    22. Sj*

      Just started “Dangerous Women,” by Mark de Casrique. Second in a series; first book is “Secret Lives,” which I enjoyed. Mysteries where the main character is an older woman who is a retired FBI agent. Well plotted, funny, no gore. I got it from Kindle Unlimited. Just finished “I Shouldn’t Be Telling You This,” a memoir by Chelsea Devante. It was interesting.

    23. Wilbur*

      Reading has been a struggle. I heard about Four Thousand Weeks on NPR, wanted to read it. Gave and read the cliffs notes version, which is oddly fitting for a book on time management.

      I’ve made the switch to graphic novels and it’s been great. “They called Us Enemy” by George Takei about the Japanese Internment during WWII, “Youth Group” by Jordan Morris about kids fighting demons, and “Something is Killing the Children” by James Tynion. I’ve grabbed “The Parable of the Sower” by Octavia Butler as well and an looking forward to it.

      1. word nerd*

        My favorite graphic novel is Fun Home by Alison Bechdel if you’re looking for more graphic novels!

      2. Jackalope*

        If you’re down with YA graphic novels, I really enjoy Faith Erin Hicks, and she’s got several good one out there.

      3. RC*

        “The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl” is an enjoyable series of graphic novels too. Just meta enough for me (it nominally takes place in the MCU, lol)

    25. dontbeadork*

      I have been rereading the Number One Ladies’ Detective Agency books because in these stressful times I need something gentler to distract me. No big murders, no suspenseful crimes or supernatural being, just little minor mysteries for Precious Remotswe to solve and little slices of the main characters’ lives in between.

    26. vargas*

      Re-reading “things in jars”, by accident. I could swear I’ve seen a movie based on this book, but I can’t find a reference anywhere.

    27. Charlotte Lucas*

      Finished reading Dorothy L. Sayers and have started on Ngaio Marsh with A Man Lay Dead. Am enjoying it so far, and no idea who the killer is.

    28. Dr. KMnO4*

      The House in the Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune is my favorite fiction book, and second favorite book, period. Its sequel, Somewhere Beyond the Sea recently came out, and I love it. I strongly recommend it.

      I then picked up a couple of other books by TJ Klune – The Bones Beneath My Skin and Into This River I Drown. I’ve read the first one, and it was very good. I’ve just started the second, but I have high hopes. I’ve also read Under the Whispering Door, and it was heavy (it’s about grief and loss) but amazing.

      1. dontbeadork*

        I loved Cerulean Sea and Beyond the Sea, but I tried to get into Wolfsong and I just cannot get past the third chapter. I’m feeling no sympathy for anyone so far.

    29. Bike Walk Barb*

      I go through genre phases and it appears to be mystery season. Thanks to the mention here of the Mrs. Pollifax series I’m now on #6, I think, revisiting them as old friends. I’ve read two of the Thursday Murder Club books and have the next one on hold, and like someone else I read Murder with Peacocks and am now waiting for the next one in that series. I’ve read all the Dr. Ruth Galloway books that are out, and the four Harbinder Kaur books also by Elly Griffiths. Hoping for more in that series.

      In nonfiction I recently finished On Looking: A Walker’s Guide to the Art of Observation by Alexandra Horowitz. In each chapter she walks with someone different and learns to view (or listen to) a street in a new way thanks to their particular expertise.

      Now reading Killed by a Traffic Engineer: Shattering the Delusion that Science Underlies our Transportation System by Wes Marshall. Traffic engineers don’t love the title, naturally, but his review of the research history and how various practices got embedded as standards without an understanding of what they left out is really valuable for anyone working in transportation (or for anyone wondering why the crosswalk light starts flashing “don’t walk” before they’re even halfway across the street or why the speed limit is set so high on a street by a school).

    30. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Finished Carl Hiaasen’s mid-1980s *Tourist Season* and started his much more recent *Squeeze Me*. It’s set in Palm Beach just after the pandemic lockdown, with the former guy still president — one of his rich little old lady fans gets killed by a massive python, but there’s a cover-up, and I guess the thrust of the story is about whether the truth will come out or whether more people will get killed by more pythons? Not quite sure where the story is going, but it is overall funny. Content warning for depictions of racism and racist language, though.

    31. Bluebell Brenham*

      Just finished City of Light by Lauren Belfer. It’s set in Buffalo at the time of the Pan American exposition and Pres McKinley’s visit. I liked the history more than the plot, but still a worthwhile read.

  7. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs! As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    My spouse let me do a “walking tour” with one of their high-level characters in LOTRO (Lord of the Rings Online). It was amazing looking, at least the bits that I saw, and I’m considering making my own character to try it out. Has anyone else here played LOTRO? Any thoughts? I’ve never played an MMO before, so not sure what to expect.

    1. Literally a Cat*

      Re: Slay The Princess on Switch: don’t get it. It is so buggy that you physically cannot finish the game.

      1. Jackalope*

        Thank you for the update. I’ve seen people mentioning it here and there since last week, but was still undecided. I’ll try other new stuff instead.

    2. SparklingBlue*

      Play a minstrel on LOTRO! Their main mode of attack is a war cry that can do major damage–plus you get to play instruments, and teach others to do so

    4. Sic Transit Vir*

      It’s Dragon Age weekend in my house! Just a few hours in but I’m enjoying myself so far and am relieved that my PC can run it. It looks gorgeous.

      I played LotRO a lot when it first came out and have occasionally dipped back in in the years since, mostly out of nostalgia. The quests do get pretty repetitive after a while and I feel there’s a significant difference in quality when it comes to the early zones vs. the more recent stuff. But hey, it’s free to play so no harm in trying it with no commitment!

    5. Dr. KMnO4*

      I’ve been playing Balatro, a rougue-like, deck building poker game. I have a love/hate relationship with this game. When your deck comes together and everything works perfectly it feels amazing. When RNG screws you over it feels awful.

      I normally play a lot of Destiny 2 on the gaming PC my husband built me. However, my dad just had his knee replaced, and I’m staying with him for a few weeks until he’s cleared to drive. My laptop+my dad’s wifi = no D2 for me, even though I’ve tried. I’m missing out on the Halloween event, which kind of sucks, but helping my dad is more important to me than D2.

  8. Falling Diphthong*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    Good:
    The Boy and the Heron, a Miyazaki I hadn’t heard about. A boy goes into a spirit world to rescue his step mother. Dreamlike and lovely, except for the truly terrifying toothed heron.
    Finished Season 4 of Only Murders in the Building. This show is right in my happy place. I love the unfolding plot, the dynamic between the characters, and the experimental storytelling bits.

    Not so good:
    Finished Season 4 of The Boys. A lot of spurting body fluids; very little plot.
    I gave The Union a shot–hey, I love Halle Berry–but the opening spy mission that goes wrong was so incredibly stupid I couldn’t invest in the fate of anyone from this spy organization.

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I finished watching New Tricks, a British crime show. It was entertaining, but it did lose steam by the last season and it has the usual cop show flaws.

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      Finishing up the third season of Vox Machina–I really like it, way more than I thought I would (I’m not a DnD person.) The voice cast is marvelous.

      1. Roseberriesmaybe*

        I love it so much, I’m a big fan of Critical Role! Do you have a favourite character?

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Hmmmm…it’s hard to choose! I would say I really enjoy watching Scanlan because he’s so self centered yet will unhesitatingly throw it all on the line for his friends. And watching Kaleth grow up in this season is terrific–her calling out her team for not believing her about Raishan was great.

          1. Smol Bookwizard*

            I love Critrole, the second campaign was a lifeline for me in grad school, and listening to their voices these days feels so cozy and at-home still. I’m so happy that they have the tv shows now to make their storytelling more accessible time-wise! delights me to hear of new folk entering the fandom bc of the show.

    3. GoryDetails*

      All the latest “Great [insert country here] Baking Show” episodes! The British one is on Netflix, new episodes dropping on Fridays. I’ve found the most recent seasons of the Canadian and Australian ones on YouTube or DailyMotion, and love the variety of contestants, scenery, wildlife, regional flavors, and accents.

      1. Writerling*

        Oh I didn’t know there were others! Are they… more palatable than the last few seasons? (I still like the show, but I preferred the earlier version.)

        1. GoryDetails*

          I’m finding this season of the British one rather nicer (?) than the last couple of seasons. The Australian and Canadian ones have their own styles, but in general are very upbeat and charming. (Though there is a sad note on the Australian series, as one of the co-hosts had cancer and had to drop out mid-series, and died not long afterwards – the season is dedicated to her.)

          1. Writerlin*

            This season is rather nicer (keeping the ? in here) than the last. I’m curious about the others now! Sorry to hear about the co-host :(

    4. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      I watched The Wicker Man finally! Wonderfully loopy and sinister folk horror. Also a brilliant Iranian film called Offside about young women disguising themselves as men to watch the world cup,.some of which was filmed, guerilla style, at a match.

      1. Angstrom*

        “But they are naked!”
        “Of course they are. It’s much too dangerous to jump over a fire with your clothes on.”

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        I love that film particularly in these days of climate change:

        *SPOILERS*

        Because the islanders and more especially Lord Summerisle are indulging in precisely the kind of magical thinking that modern pro fossil fuel people are–that with enough faith or sacrifice or chanting or isolation they can go back to “how it was supposed to be,” when in reality the change in climate has eliminated the island’s favorable growing season and basis of its economy.

        It’s the stuffy, Christian policeman who points out to Summerisle that he may be for it this time, but when it doesn’t work, “Next time, only the Lord of Summer Isle will do!”

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Forgot because it was bland: Queenpins, which follows the story of a devoted coupon cutter who figures out how to get more coupons. And then how with a bit of light crime she could get a LOT more coupons and sell them. Stellar cast with an interesting premise, and I kept expecting it to lift off, but it just kind of drifted along. Needed a writer/director to push deeper on some things and zanier on others.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      I saw The Boy and the Heron on the big screen when it came out! That was my first trip to Boston’s Alamo Drafthouse. :)

      Only Murders in the Building has been renewed for Season 5 (as you will know if you saw the end of Season 4). Steve Martin said that after the series concludes, he will retire — what a wonderful capper on a great career this show is. I hope it goes on longer but I also hope it stops before it takes a dive.

      I’m watching the last season of What We Do in the Shadows. I’m going to miss these goofballs!

    7. kalli*

      I saw The Boy and the Heron in the cinema when it came out last year. Not as good as The Cat Returns, but nothing is.

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        Hate to say it, but I didn’t really like it. Felt more like someone really hated birds and was exorcising that on screen.

        I love Studio Ghibli, but didn’t care for that effort.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          The part that is lingering with me is the acceptance of loss. The dead mother isn’t going to come back. Sometimes a mysterious meteor with strange powers lands in your yard and that’s actually not a good thing. Sometimes you can’t preserve what came before, and that is okay. (I was reminded of Godzilla Minus One, which criticized the post-war government in a way a film actually made in the 50s probably would not.)

    8. allathian*

      We just finished season 3 of Only Murders… I really like it, Meryl Streep was fantastic (she always is).

      I’m also enjoying the new season of My Life is Murder, starring Lucy Lawless. I’m annoyed with our local boadcaster that keeps insisting the show’s set in Australia rather than New Zealand. Augh!

    9. fposte*

      I binged Nobody Wants This despite being kind of lukewarm about it. To me it had the common sitcom weakness of the secondary characters being more interesting than the mains, and there was a lot predicated on the female lead being likeable in-world, and I didn’t really see that she was that likeable. Which doesn’t tank a show for me—I *loved* You’re the Worst—but I feel like the show and I should be on the same page on that.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        I found it okay–it didn’t grab me the way I wanted it to. I agree on Joanne not seeming likable in-world. I thought Noah got off easy on endlessly stalling Rebecca, who might have wanted to move on if he’d told her the proposal was never going to actually come.

        I most liked Esther and Miriam, who are not even the primary side characters. In the sense that they would be involved in plotlines where I thought “That was neat, and didn’t go where I would have first guessed.”

        Also I felt very old thinking “Is their podcast seriously so successful that it supports two people comfortably in LA? Is this like Carrie Bradshaw and her single alt weekly column? Or is this how it is now with the podcasts?”

    10. The Prettiest Curse*

      I saw a really great animated film called Flow at my local film festival. It has been getting great advance word from other festivals, so hopefully it will get a decent release. It’s about a very cute cat trying to survive in a rapidly flooding world without humans. The cat eventually teams up with a lemur, a dog, a capybara and a secretary bird. (The animals don’t talk, Disney-style, but do vocalise.) I love capybara, so was delighted to see one in the animal crew!

      There are some moments of extreme kitty peril and it’s a very poignant film, but ultimately it’s also uplifting. The animation is beautiful, so I’d recommend seeing it on the big screen if you can.

    11. Lluviata*

      I just finished up Agatha All Along from Disney, and I loved it. It was well-done overall, with only a few dips in quality, and several FANTASTIC episodes.

      It is also just a delight to watch Kathryn Hahn and Aubrey Plaza acting their flamboyant, charismatic badass characters.

      1. Annie Edison*

        Is it a show I could watch and enjoy without having watched the rest of the marvel universe shows and movies? I’ve seen a few here and there but am very much not up to date on all the releases. I keep hearing good things and it sounds like a show I’d enjoy, but I’m not interested enough to spend time watching other shows for back story first. Would it work as a stand alone?

        1. Anomy*

          it follows WandaVision closely, so you probably want to have watched that + Doctor Strange & the Multiverse of Madness. but you don’t need to have seem the whole MCU

        2. Lluviata*

          I agree with Anomy, it’s best to watch WandaVision before starting Agatha All Along.

          I think you could skip Dr. Strange Multiverse of Madness, though.

          So I think the only thing you need to see is WandaVision. Or, you could watch episode 1 of Agatha and see how it goes. I think you’ll know right away if you have enough info without WandaVision.

    12. Smol Bookwizard*

      I see that our household decision to omit season 4 of The Boys was a good one

      (confession: I read most of the wiki plot summaries just to make sure that my 2.75 friends in the show were okay, and decided I definitely didn’t want to actually see all that stuff… it’s how it gets you, the characters are so incredibly well-done in that show, the horrible and the wonderful and the complicated of them.)

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Your friends are definitely okay, because the plot is stuck in the comic book trope that nothing can have a consequence that sticks.

        Detail that really aggravated me: Multiple characters get completely incapacitated when someone observes that actually in the past they did a bad thing. Leverage: Redemption and Inside Out 2 are 100 times lighter than The Boys, but their main characters are able to grapple with this normal aspect of being a human.

        1. Smol Bookwizard*

          This all sounds super (pun not intended) unfortunate. always a disappointment when a series mistakes being dark and edgy as a substitute for being emotionally mature.

    13. Writerling*

      I caught The Boy and the Heron in theaters in Japan (subs later helped), it was definitely not quite what I expected but very Miyazaki at its core. Speaking of animated, I skipped past Suzume recently (on Netflix) which I rewatched this year, would recommend, and Makoto Shinkai’s other films as well (notably Your Name).

    14. Charlotte Lucas*

      Saw Season 3 of Resident Alien, and it continues to delight.

      Have also been rewatching Absolutely Fabulous, because I wanted something reliably funny to watch.

    15. Pear Blossom*

      I just started watching Lioness (Paramount + and Season 1 might be on Amazon Prime as well) and I’ve really enjoyed it!

  9. anon for this*

    This is a bit small and silly, but does anyone else deal with an overload of affection for old and well-loved possessions? I have a hard time replacing worn things. It just feels as if I have a ton of gratitude for the specific older items that have stuck by me through all these moves and all my adventures. As if we have a history together. Lately this has been increasingly obvious to me, and I’ve been wondering if I should put some effort into reframing my mindset.

    I don’t think I’m in danger of hoarding (I read a book about the psychology of hoarding and most of it was unfamiliar to me), but I notice that when I send totally unusable old clothes to textile recycling, I feel guilty, as though I acted really callously instead of honoring a beloved object properly. (I should note that the beloved objects in question don’t seem to have any strong feelings about this one way or the other.)

    Marie Kondo demonstrating how to thank old things before donating them helped me a bit, but if anyone has any relevant anecdotes or advice, I’m open to those. Feeling like I’m committing acts of abandonment is something I recognize as an exaggeration, but it’s uncomfortable.

    1. Laggy Lu*

      My mom does have hoarder tendencies and the guilt part is a big thing for her. I would say, if you can still give those items away, but recognize your feelings, you are OK. It’s OK to fool how you feel, just don’t let it cause irrational behavior.

    2. Sitting Pretty*

      I remember reading about the coffee-mug-or-chocolate-bar study on the endowment effect, and it really changed my view on the value I place on the objects in my life. A lot of the value of our possessions is simply because we own them, not because of any inherent quality.

      Recognizing that I would never select X thing if given the choice now really helps me let go. I can still retain the memory of X thing and whatever experiences I had with it. But my closets are not archives, I don’t have the space for that! I want to make room to choose the chocolate bar, metaphorically speaking.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Really sage advice from a month or two back on this thread: I should convey to my children that the stuff I have accumulated is stuff. Every book on the shelf is not a precious embodiment of my spirit–some of them are old favorites, and some of them I mean to read, and some I would probably donate if I were to do a clearing of the shelves this year. But I absolutely do not expect them to keep and treasure these books.

        1. PhyllisB*

          I made my family promise to donate all my books to my local library.
          If my husband had his way he would load them up and haul to the closest dumpster.

          1. fposte*

            Though be sure to give them an out on on the books the local library doesn’t want. Even libraries that have secondhand sales have to be picky about what they can take.

    3. CanadaGoose*

      The thanking ritual is lovely. Your story here referenced history together, including adventures. Perhaps you want to start capturing a few key related memories in writing rather than in the item. Think: writing a grateful goodbye letter in your journal, so you can return to the memory of adventure with the item later, but don’t need the item as a prompt for the memories any more.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I’ve heard the suggestion maybe stage a fun or beautiful photo shoot that honors the item so you can let go of it; you’ll always have that great photo with your dog or whatever to remember the good times.

    4. goddessoftransitory*

      Whenever I need to throw out a pair of old shoes or such, I thank them for their service.

    5. Not A Manager*

      I don’t feel that way about EVERYTHING, so most things I do just give away/recycle as needed. But some things I just don’t want to let go of. I have a mug that the handle snapped off of. I glued it back on, but I don’t want to run it through the dishwasher, or risk the handle coming off while it’s full of coffee. I put small cuttings in it until they’re ready to transplant. Most tee shirts I can get rid of, but my few old favorites I keep under my sink and use them to dry my hair. I even have some dust rags that are leftover from old clothes and sheets, and I still recognize them and they make me happy (but I’m not sad to eventually throw them away).

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        This is what I do as well. If I can re-use something in a different way, it makes me feel better and I like seeing it again. Failing that, I do like to thank items before I donate them or throw them away. Actually, I thank them before I repurpose them as well!

    6. RagingADHD*

      I mean, Marie Kondo isn’t God and minimalism isn’t the One True Way of existing.

      If your stuff works and you like it, or even if it doesn’t work and you have space for it without being crowded or unhygienic, there is no law that you must replace or get rid of it just on principle.

      Life is full of problems already. If this isn’t actually creating a problem, let it be. You don’t have to do things just because someone else thinks you should.

      1. Shipbuilding Techniques*

        Whoa, I love this comment. I think a minimalist environment would make me more anxious than my clutter, tbh. A happy medium might be nice, though.

      2. Ellis Bell*

        That’s actually a very Marie Kondo take. She isn’t minimalist. Minimalists seek to get rid of as much as possible; Marie Kondo advises keeping hold of anything that brings you genuine joy, even if it’s stained/torn/unusable. This is a common misconception.

      3. Observer*

        If your stuff works and you like it, or even if it doesn’t work and you have space for it without being crowded or unhygienic, there is no law that you must replace or get rid of it just on principle.

        True. But what the OP describes absolutely verges on problematic, even if it’s not yet problematic. It’s worth noting that while most work on hoarding addresses a different type of hoarder, what they describe does actually track with other types of hoarding. And the problem becomes, in some cases, that people get so emotionally invested in those objects that they start kind of twisting themselves into pretzels to keep things that are not actually working for them, for one reason or another. Or it leads into not getting a replacement for X item (even while keeping that item) because of these feelings.

        I am not saying that this is the case for the OP. But at minimum, the OP should probably think about whether they are delaying replacing things that really need replacing (eg wearing worn out shoes or clothes that don’t fit) because of these feelings.

    7. Pandas*

      What I do when I have to downsize for moves, is I think about two things:

      1) If I get rid of this item, how easy would it be to replace if I miss it later?

      2) Is the reason I want to keep this just because of the memories it represents? If I saw it in a thrift store today with no nostalgia attached would I buy it?

      If #2 is just because of memories, then I take a picture of the item, since what I really want to preserve is the trigger for the memories and a photo will fulfill the same function.

      But that being said, I think as long as it’s not getting in your way there’s no harm in holding onto stuff. Most stuff we get rid of is going into someone else’s closet at best or a landfill at worst so I don’t think there’s necessarily more virtue in a minimalist lifestyle compared to someone who saves things. As long as it doesn’t become hoarding.

    8. Ellis Bell*

      Maybe try staggering how quickly you dispose of things to give you some adjustment time. Keep a special place for clothes that are on their way out, maybe as gardening or deep cleaning clothes. When you wear them one last time be appreciative of their last act and then move them on into disposal storage. Wearing them for dirty jobs would also help protect your other clothes.

    9. Still*

      Thanking the item and taking a picture are good ideas.

      I’m curious about this feeling of guilt and discomfort you describe: is it only when you dispose of the item, or does that feeling stay with you for days / weeks later?

      If it’s only a momentary feeling on the day, I wonder if you actually need to do anything about it? Sometimes we’re a bit uncomfortable, it’s not the end of the world. Would framing it as something harmless and expected help? “Here I go again, bring dramatic. Oh well, I’ll feel better about this by tomorrow.”

      How much of this uncomfortable feeling is guilt and how much is just sadness about time passing and things changing, and letting go of old parts of yourself?

      Could you make yourself feel better by going back home and spending some time truly honouring a beloved object that’s still serving you? Like polishing a favourite pair of leather boots or mending that shirt you’ve been meaning to, or finding some other way to give love and attention to the objects that you’re choosing to keep in your life?

      1. Observer*

        If it’s only a momentary feeling on the day, I wonder if you actually need to do anything about it? Sometimes we’re a bit uncomfortable, it’s not the end of the world.

        I think that this is an extremely helpful point. It’s really, really ok to do things that make us uncomfortable sometimes. Sure, it’s worth listening to your feelings. But the reality is that all of us have things that are uncomfortable, whether because of objective stuff (like getting a shot is not comfortable to anyone whose nervous system in healthy) or personal quirks that are actually *not* a problem. And it’s really important to realize that just getting through whatever it is in the moment is a perfectly fine and healthy thing to do.

    10. Sparkles McFadden*

      I think that Marie Kondo “sparking joy” bar is too high. I think the question to ask is “Would I be relieved if this thing got damaged in a flood and I had to throw it away?” You’ll be surprised how often the answer is yes.

      1. Time for Tea*

        I’ve not heard of that one before, and yes, instantly I can see where for me items being damaged would be a relief and take that guilty feeling away of not doing something better with them!

      3. LetItGo*

        That’s a great test. I had some possessions in storage while preparing for a move. There was a fire in a nearby unit. The storage company called me to inspect my stuff and move it to another unit while they repaired that bay. Mine was ok, but seeing other people’s charred stuff made me realize that most of it I wouldn’t miss. I had some furniture that I really like and would be hard to replace, and some Christmas decorations handmade by family members, some deceased. The rest, just ehhh. I’ve done a lot of purging in the ensuing years and am getting ready for another big one. Also if you put stuff in storage, making sure it’s up on pallets and/or in waterproof tubs is worth the effort! The firefighters’ water did seep under the walls and would have wrecked cardboard boxes on the ground.

      4. fhqwhgads*

        My threshold is “if I need one of these in a year and don’t have it because I tossed this, will I be annoyed to get a new one?”

      7. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        That kind of happened to me with my mold problems and roach problems. I have had to throw away a ton of stuff, but it’s actually kind of nice not to be burdened by all of it. I saved a little stuff that was *really* important to me, and I let the rest go!

        Having had to clean out my parents’ house after my dad died made me realize what a heavy burden we leave our heirs if we don’t get rid of our stuff now and then. My folks weren’t hoarders, and the house was tidy, but they had SO much stuff — it took me a year and a half to get rid of most of it, and then the pandemic struck, and the rest had to go by estate sale and/or get trashed. I was very happy when I got the house and its contents off my hands.

        1. ReallyBadPerson*

          This is where my guilt is parked. We are not hoarders, but my husband is a pack rat and we have lots of space to store things. So we store things. I have told my kids that if we die in a common disaster, they are to just toss or sell anything they don’t want, but I hate to think of them having to wade through our stuff while grieving. I need to do something about the boxes and old furniture now.

    11. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      Are you valuing and honoring your own self as well?

      Does your need for a space organized the way you want it, with only things you absolutely love in it, feel valid to you? How does that compare in terms to the need to properly acknowledge the item and its value?

      I wonder if thinking of a ritual like mulching, how the earth welcomes things being returned to it, may help. Or the way cycles complete. Or the way energy moves when things in the flow of a river don’t clog it.

    12. Nihil Scio*

      I like to think of it as “re-homing” not decluttering.
      I don’t do it all at once: that incurs intense feelings.
      Once, after three years of contemplating the horrible job that is cleaning out the garage, my daughter suggested that I look at it as a treasure hunt. I spent the next few hours taking pictures of treasures, sending them to my girls who actually wanted some of the stuff I discovered and sorting the rest into ‘still useful’, ‘someone else’s treasure’ and ‘actual garbage’.
      Charity shops are your friend

    13. Qwerty*

      What connections do you have to your community? Do you have friends who you see and connect regularly with? I’ve noticed people who don’t have fulfilling connections start creating them with their stuff, their habits, their favorite celebrities, etc. With how remote the work has gotten in the past few years, it is becoming a lot more common so you aren’t alone in this.

      There’s a personification of your items here – these objects have not “stuck by” you through the moves. They were dragged along. You had the agency to decide “I want this stuff” and pack them. Every season when you switch over you closet, you made decision to keep all the clothes or to not downsize your bookshelf during spring cleaning.

      When a shirt is unwearable, you don’t need to “honor a beloved object” – that is a bit extreme! It is common to be a bit sad or disappointed that you will no longer get to wear your favorite sweater, but there’s no reason to feel guilty.

      A good starting point might be to simply downgrade your language. You say your line about abandoment is an exaggeration, but saying it helps reinforce the message that it is a little bit like abandonment. Our brains are powerful so the more you focus on the sad fate of a worn out object the more you will feel guilty. And guilt must have some good hormone in it because people find that emotion inescapable once indulged.

    14. Girasol*

      I’m like that with favorite clothing. In the end I need to turn favorite shirts into patches for something else so that I can get rid of them without them quite being gone.

      1. Chicago Anon*

        Or make patchwork quilts, maybe crazy quilts to avoid all the snipping of squares, if you’re at all crafty. (Don’t try this with coffee mugs—though come to think of it, you could break them and make mosaics, or I’ve seen jewelry made of wire-wrapped bits of old china).

    15. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I’ve gotten into the habit of keeping a small piece of something I’m attached to but have to get rid of because it’s no longer usable. I still have pieces from toys when I was a kid (a single doll accessory, one piece from a foam puzzle board).
      A book I have suggested packing things you’re on the fence about discarding into a cardboard box at the bottom of your closet (or somewhere else out of the way). When you find it a couple of months later, if you can’t remember what’s in it, you’re good to throw it away (WITHOUT opening it, the goal is to make sure that there’s not any “can’t live without it” items in there). It couldn’t help for the huge amount of stuff I had to deal with but for smaller projects it could be helpful.
      I read somewhere online a post from someone whose young son was autistic and struggled with giving up anything. He had meltdowns when his hairbrush wore out and he needed a new one. They came up with a way for him to gradually say goodbye; the brush stayed on a shelf in his room while they started using a new one, then after a while they kept only one bristle there.
      Maybe you can come up with similar ways to remember the things you feel bad about discarding, without feeling guilt towards them.

    16. also anon for this*

      This isn’t the same as your situation, but I will share, anyway. My husband passed away in February of this year. He tended to hang on to a lot of things and during his illness, our own clutter increased. I want to sell my house and move eventually, but I need to clear clutter.

      It’s been very emotional to go through things and decide what to give away, what to try to sell, and what to throw away. I am making very, very slow progress. The way I am doing it is in “layers”, if that makes sense. It means I often touch and consider items multiple times before I decide. Early on, I wasn’t ready to decide. The more time I let pass after first considering an item, it seemed easier to decide what to do with it. Often the first time I considered an item brought a flood of emotions. As long as the flood of emotions continued when considering an item, I deferred a decision. This technique has helped so far and I am proud that I was able to consider some items more objectively and make a decision that felt good to me. But it has taken time and I still have a lot to do.

      1. Another Anon*

        This is such a beautiful example of good self-care.
        I don’t even know you, but it warms my heart to hear how kind and gentle you are being to yourself in a difficult situation. I’m glad you are treating yourself well.

        I am a sentimental person with some big losses and a strong attachment to symbolic objects, and your story is going to be helpful to me. I never really considered the effect that grief might have on “decluttering.”
        Thank you for sharing.

        1. also anon for this*

          Thank you for your kind words. And I am glad my story is helpful. I have learned that grief affects just about everything I do.

    17. kalli*

      I still remember I got really really upset when my mum wanted to send one of my favourite dresses to charity instead of letting me dress one of my toys with it. She said “it will now be someone else’s favourite dress” (eventually she let me keep my second favourite, same cut different print though). Thinking of how it will benefit someone else when giving it to charity when someone can still benefit from it is can be very helpful! I had to give away a lot of clothes in my last move because I lost a lot of weight and my entire work clothes stash for future me no longer fit, a lot of them were still brand new, but there are always posts on my local Reddit from people looking for business wear at charity shops so I knew that someone would be very happy to find them, and it helped – I just kept enough work clothes for a week and one that was pretty, and the rest hopefully went to people who needed them.

    18. And thanks for the coffee*

      I’ve been able to give things away through my local Buy Nothing group. I feel that someone local will actually use the item-while giving to a charity shop might not match up with someone who needs it. Mostly I leave the item on the porch for the person who wants it, so I don’t even have to haul it away.

    19. Bike Walk Barb*

      I took a wonderful class this summer from Dacy Gillespie, who blogs at Unflattering. It was on finding one’s personal style and making mindful choices about what to purchase and what to let go of.

      She has a list of common mindset traps we fall into when making decisions about getting rid of clothing that may apply to other items as well. There’s a two-part set: “I got a a real bargain on this” and “I paid so much for this”. Either way it’s the same fallacy, thinking of an item as an investment instead of a sunk cost.

      Dacy also suggests that if you’re keeping something for sentimental reasons, you store it separate from the other items in that category that you actually use. That way there’s no guilt associated with not wearing an item of clothing because you’ve reclassified it as memorabilia, not clothing. Maybe you have items like that–ones you need to put in a different category, which may make it easier to think of them eventually moving away. (She has many more tips and I recommend her blog and her class. Very inclusive on body size and she does a lot of thrifting–not aiming at getting you to buy a lot of new things.)

      I once had a big house with lots of built-in bookshelves, then moved into a much smaller house with less room for books. As a lifelong reader who had been accumulating books for a long time I found it hard to contemplate “getting rid of” them. It became much easier when I named it “setting books free to find new readers”. I wasn’t going to reread most of those so the words weren’t alive. By letting them go I gave them new life they weren’t going to get sitting on my shelves (which I no longer had anyway).

      You could apply this to other items: a vase that will hold flowers you weren’t going to buy, a big casserole dish that will become part of someone’s holiday celebrations, a necklace someone else will love and wear.

      It has also been great to participate actively in my neighborhood Buy Nothing group. I’m building community when I offer things up and that concept of giving something new life feels very real there. Sometimes people post a follow-up picture or story about an item they received. Even if it isn’t something I set free there’s a general sense of gratitude and abundance along with connection. The things aren’t abandoned; they’re shared.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Yes! I have my reasons right now why I shouldn’t accumulate more books. As I finish something, I now look forward to putting it on a take-a-book-leave-a-book shelf and letting the book find new friends who will enjoy it.

    20. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      I know how you feel anon for this.
      I moved into temporary housing and put most of my stuff into storage for 2 1/2 years while building my house. I thought I downsized a lot to save storage fees and during that time often said I missed my stuff. After moving in last year, I have done additional rounds of purging although I have more than enough room. I thought I did a good job letting go and am surprised I’m still at it. Everything I have has a memory and some things I’ve been carting around since I left home after college and now I’m throwing them out. Don’t beat yourself up about this, when you are ready, you’ll let them go. And if you don’t, that’s OK too.
      I come from a long long of pack rats and frugality. I have been able to reuse and repurpose quite a few items. My family has a history of exchanging our “junk” Sister reorganized her garage in the spring and gave me her old shelves (were in great condition) and last week I added new shelves to a closet and gave her a wicker chest. It helps when you know its going to be used (loved) Although I did throw out my college transcripts this week, no more degrees for me. I did save my diploma and yearbook.

    21. Generic Name*

      I’m going through this now with my wardrobe. Styles have radically changed, and as I travel through middle age, my body has changed. Pretty much my entire wardrobe that I’ve had for 10 years plus no longer works for my body. I’m buying new or new-to-me stuff, but I’m having a hard time getting rid of old favorites. Not because they are tied to any specific memories, though. I finally bagged up a bunch of old stuff, and I really looked at it with a critical eye. Much of it was actually faded or becoming threadbare. I’m actually going to throw away a pair of shoes that has cracked soles such that rain or snowmelt actually soaks my socks- so barely functional shoes that I’ve had for 17 years!

      1. Jessica*

        when i’m holding on to something i can’t get rid of in a way i’ll feel good about because it’s not good enough to donate, it’s helpful to ask myself why something that’s not good enough for anyone else should be good enough for me.

    22. MyName*

      Not directly your question, but my mom had the lovely idea to sew old clothes into a birthday garland for me. This way you can keep a part of your old clothes (and their memories) and honour them, and then throw out the remnants afterwards. If you can sew, I’d recommend it!

  10. Mitchell Hundred*

    The Boy and the Heron is a new Miyazaki, that’s probably why you hadn’t heard about it. They pulled Ghibli’s animation equipment out of mothballs to make it.

    Anyway, I’m rewatching Anatomy of a Murder. It’s a courtroom drama, but instead of trying to find The Truth, the narrative tension comes from lawyers trying to frame the agreed-upon facts in a way that suits their ends.

      1. carcinization*

        I saw “The Boy and the Heron” in the theater when it came out, and I don’t live in a major city, so I don’t think it was that obscure….

  11. Weekend Warrior*

    Comfort Rereads is a very important category of books. Like Alison, Barbara Pym is one of my favourites for this role. I also love many other mid-century British women novelists, Elizabeth Taylor for example, or Barbara Comyns to dial up the weird. Anne Tyler or Alice Hoffman among Americans; Robertson Davies for CanCon (Canadian content), as well as local (BC coastal) mystery writer L.R. Wright. You just know a book called “A Chill Rain In January” is going to deliver. :)

    What are others’ comfort authors or books?

    1. goddessoftransitory*

      Ray Bradbury’s Dandelion Wine, for starters; I just adore the imagery. The Shirley Jackson collection Come Along With Me. Anne Lamott’s novel Joe Jones. Lots of my old YA collection.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Agree that if I’m really feeling nostalgic / need to bring the tears or warm fuzzies, I’m reaching for YA. Anne of Green Gables or Little Women are reliable choices to get into an emotional space and hang out there for a while.

        1. Girasol*

          I’ve always liked Little Men better than Little Women, so I go for that, also Golden Compass, the Anne McCaffrey dragon novels, and as someone else mentioned, Bujold’s Vorkosigan saga. I also have a penchant for old Andre Norton, the sci fi books before she did Witch World.

          1. allathian*

            Anne McCaffrey’s Talent books are one of my comfort reads. They’re less problematic than the Pern books.

    2. Shipbuilding Techniques*

      If I really need comfort, I read Little House on the Prairie books.

      Another book that I have read many times that always makes me laugh is Lucky Jim by Kingsley Amis. Talk about dysfunctional supervisor/supervisee relationships! I have an old pocket paperback with a goofy painting of the main character on the cover, which adds to its comfort factor.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        The Little House series is mine as well. Plus a lot of Agatha Christie and Gerald Durrell. I also love the Aunt Dimity series.

    3. Valancy Stirling*

      Pride and Prejudice, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, and Lucy Parker’s London Celebrities series are some of mine.

    4. Happily Retired*

      Mary Stewart is my go-to. I especially admire that her later books had less and less outright violence, which she abhorred. She was a wonderful alternative to many other damsel-in-distress romantic suspense writers, although her week-to-ten-days courtships are pretty amusing to me now.

    6. Janesfriend*

      Maeve Binchey is mine (Irish writer of family type stories), I reread her books often, but like others I also find my favourite authors from childhood like LM Montgomery, Laura Ingalls Wilder and Margaret Mahy comforting.

      1. Professor Dame Cornelia Gruntfuttock*

        Enid Blyton’s Malory Towers books.
        Terry Pratchett.
        Jilly Cooper “Riders”, “Rivals” etc.
        The Barsetshire series of books by Angela Thirkell, who was an English writer, writing from the 1930’s to the 1950’s.
        The Little House books.

        I do a lot of comfort reading.

      2. PhyllisB*

        If you like comfort reads, you might enjoy Jan Karon’s Mitford series. The main character is an Episcopal priest, but it’s not preachy or religious at all.
        Also similar to Maeve Binchy, try Sharon Owens. I remember when she first came on the scene her books were marketer as “The best book by Maeve Binchy she never wrote.” I’m sure neither Sharon or Maeve were thrilled about that, but it was very accurate. The ones I read and enjoyed were The Teahouse on Mulberry Street, The Ballroom on Magnolia Street, and The Tavern on Maple Street. These are rather old so you will probably have to find them/request them at your local library or order from a used bookstore.

        1. PhyllisB*

          Also, if you like Southern literature, you might enjoy Fannie Flagg’s books. She wrote Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistlestop Café. Also a bunch of others that you might enjoy.

    7. allathian*

      I guess I need to give Barbara Pym another try. I read some of her books in my 20s but I think they’d land better now that I’m in my 50s.

      Laura Ingalls Wilder, LM Montgomery, Tove Jansson, Agatha Christie, Dick Francis…

    8. Od Magic*

      I agree with a lot posted already, but here’s one more that is probably less common: Patricia McKillip. She has this beautiful writing style that makes you feel like you’re in a fairy tale, but not one you know the ending to. My favorite is Od Magic, but there are many good ones (and a scanty few less good, IMHO, but still good).

    10. PX*

      Terry Pratchett Discworld is always good for me. And depending on the time/my mindset, Loretta Chase or a couple of other historical romance people from the 90’s/early 2000s are my absolute jam :)

    11. ComfortReads*

      The Liaden series by Sharon Lee and Steve Miller (especially Scout’s Progress, Conflict of Honors, or Balance of Trade)

      A Brother’s Price by Wen Spenser

      The Vorkosigan Saga by Lois McMaster Bujold (especially Memory or A Civil Campaign)

      Johnny Tremain by Esther Forbes

      Ben and Me by Robert Lawson

      Any Amanda Quick “alphabet” book (back when she wrote unrelated sets of three books with single word titles starting with the same letter of the alphabet)

      5th Gender by Gail Carriger (most of her stuff is great, but this is my comfort book)

      Heart of Gold by Sharon Shinn

      A Swiftly Tilting Planet by Madeleine L’Engle

      Nonsense poetry (especially Ogden Nash)

    12. Spacewoman Spiff*

      Lord of the Rings is my biggest one. Every few years I feel the need to reread, usually when I’m feeling really stressed about what’s going on in the world.

      Also Jane Austen, who I see has already gotten a few mentions!

    13. RussianInTexas*

      Agatha Christie, few of the Russian authors from my teen years: The Strugatsky brothers, Ivan Efremov, Boris Akunin.

    14. Falling Diphthong*

      And This is Laura by Ellen Conford, which was a comfort read from my childhood that I would check out repeatedly from the library. Same vein, the Danny Dunn series. Also Henry Reed’s Journey.

      The Tightrope Walker by Dorothy Gilman of Mrs Pollifax fame. Donna Andrews’ Meg Langslow cozy mystery series.

        1. Dear Liza dear liza*

          I haven’t thought of AND THIS IS LAURA in decades, and yet I immediately recalled details like her mother having different pseudonyms for westerns and romances, and didn’t Laura muck up an improv for making a sandwich? The brain is a weird thing.

          2. goddessoftransitory*

            Yes! I laughed as hard as I ever did at her mom’s description of being in a real turkey of a film back in her acting days.

    15. Nervous Nellie*

      Thank you for the Robertson Davies mention! and LR Wright! Sympatico. I would add:

      Canadian Margaret Laurence’s Manawaka series.
      The teen horse series The Bonnie Books by Barbara Van Tuyl
      The children’s Moomin series by Finnish author Tove Jansson
      The Faraway Tree by Enid Blyton
      Running in the Family, by Sri Lankan/Canadian author Michael Ondaatje – the quietest, dreamiest book ever written, by the author of The English Patient
      Airs Above the Ground by Mary Stewart
      The Collected Poems of William Carlos Williams
      Early Dick Francis horse racing thrillers

      1. word nerd*

        I just discovered the Moomins this year and they’re lovely! May I suggest you take a look at the gorgeous and funny picture book My Valley by Claude Ponti? Or I think you said somewhere above that you speak French, so maybe the original French version if you have access?

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Yay! Thanks, wn! I am so pleased you like the Moomins. The stories are so gentle, and deal in a very subtle way with worry & anxiety, but are also so dreamy! My favorite is Moominsummer Madness where the family amuses themselves by putting on a play.

          Thanks! Yes, I can do French too. I will try to locate both, and I am sure that if you like this, I will too. Much appreciated.

        2. Nervous Nellie*

          And goodness – I just read the story description! Right up my alley – 110%. Thank you again!

    16. GoryDetails*

      I have so many comfort-re-reads at this point in my life that I don’t get around to them all very often, but still enjoy them when I do. Jane Austen and Terry Pratchett (favorites include Persuasion and Hogfather respectively but I enjoy all their works), Hodgson’s The Secret Garden, Kipling’s Jungle Books – and the ghost stories of M. R. James and E. F. Benson, lovely creepy reading on windy November nights!

    18. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I’ve had a copy of The Great Good Thing since I was a kid, I’ve definitely read it at least 30 or 40 times. It’s the single most-read book I have. Others include The Martian by Andy Weir, Terry Pratchett’s Bromeliad Trilogy, The Three Musketeers, and A Little Princess by Francis Hogens Burnett (although I have a lot more Opinions on child labor now, it got me through some rough times and I will always have a soft spot for it).

      1. Girasol*

        I love The Martian but it’s especially good as an audio book. The reader, R.C. Bray, is perfect, and makes a great book better.

    19. Chicago Anon*

      I love Barbara Pym.
      The blog Furrowed Middlebrow has a lot of mid-20th c British women’s fiction. Elizabeth Cadell is generally pleasant reading.

      1. Weekend Warrior*

        Furrowed Middlebrow is great. I think I discovered Elizabeth Fair there, or maybe from Miranda Mills youtube channel. :)

    20. Quadra*

      Outlander series. I like the light touch of the mystical, but the rest is completely grounded in realism. Having a nearly 30-year arc for the characters is also very soothing.

    21. Be the Change*

      Anything Mercedes Lackey is total comfort stuff, because you know The Good Side Will Always Win.

      1. Sparrow*

        My spouse has been reading these during a stressful time at work (+in the world) for the same reason. And we both feel this way about Becky Chambers Wayfarers series

    22. Elizabeth West*

      I like to re-read my childhood books. I still have quite a few of them, along with some later works I acquired at library sales.

      A Tree Grows in Brooklyn is probably the book I return to the most. This book runs the gamut between hilarity and heartbreak. Aunt Sissy is my favorite character. I also like the part where Evie’s husband gets hurt and she has to drive the milk wagon and the horse falls madly in love with her, lol. In fact, I haven’t read it in a while; time to dig it out again.

    23. Chaordic One*

      Maeve Binchy is my go-to comfort author. She manages to include little extra things that somehow lift her stories above your run of the mill romances (as she is usually categorized as). Although I am of mixed mostly European ancestry, I have relatives who came to the U.S. from Ireland and the characters in her books, the way the speak, the language and the phrasing they use reminds me so much of those relatives and provides a little extra bit of familiarity and comfort.

    24. :)*

      Haven’t read this in ages but for the longest time, as a child, I used to bring my copy of Ella Enchanted everywhere! Any trip, it’d be tucked into the bottom of my backpack, or the corner of my suitcase. I’d read it many times but even if I didn’t read it on the trip just its presence was a comfort. It’s a delightful little fairy tale retelling, thanks for reminding me! I might go back and reread it soon.

    26. run mad; don't faint*

      Two children’s books by Arthur Ransome: Swallows and Amazons, and The Picts and the Martyrs. Also, Pride and Prejudice and Sense and Sensibility. Various Catherine Aird mysteries, and several Patrick Dennis novels including Auntie Mame and Genius.

    27. dontbeadork*

      Discworld. Any of them, but the Witches or the Watch in particular.
      Alexander McCall Smith
      Jane Austin
      Bujold’s Chalion series
      Bujold’s Penric and Desdemona stories
      Phoebe Atwood Taylor, particularly when writing as Alice Tilton
      My Friend Flicka
      Marjorie Torrey’s Artie and the Princess

    28. dapfloodle*

      I used to read Lamb’s She’s Come Undone for this purpose, but that was decades ago. These days maybe Monette’s The Goblin Emperor?

      1. Smol Bookwizard*

        Goblin Emperor is such a lovely, lovely book. I had a bit where I couldn’t re-read it because the social anxiety/dissembling was so triggering for me, but I’m happy that I’m in a good enough place now that I can take joy from Maia’s journey once again.

        I’ve been scouting for a copy of The Grief of Stones for a while. I wouldn’t say I vibe exactly with Thara as much as with Maia but I loved the community theater representation in his previous book :)

        1. epicdemiologist*

          There’s a new Thara book coming out in Spring 2025! P.S. For those new to Goblin emperor, Sarah Monette and Katherine Addison are the same person, but she uses the latter name for the Goblin Emperor series.

    29. Smol Bookwizard*

      Dorothy L Sayers’ “Gaudy Night” :) there is just something about the style and the setting that feels reminiscent of the good parts of college, as well as the very exciting and realistic-feeling mystery, which thankfully does not represent my academic experience at all (except for certain moments of the poor girls targeted in the plot, but we digress).

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I adore Gaudy Night for the same reasons. It’s one of those books that are full of markers at all my favorite bits.

        1. Smol Bookwizard*

          well worth it – Sayers has such a way with words, and with neatly summing up eccentric characters we’ve all met.

    30. Mrs. Frisby*

      Rosamunde Pilcher is a big one for me. I’ve read The Shell Seekers so many times and love it every time. For fans of Maeve Binchy I highly recommend Pilcher.
      I also love to reread these Regency romances by Marion Chesney (who writes mysteries as M.C. Beaton) that I discovered in high school. I bought them all on thrift books and can read one in an hour so when I’m sick I’ll read a bunch of them.
      Also the Betsy-Tacy series by Maud Hart Lovelace. Similar vein Anne of Green Gables; they are delightful!

    31. Miss Mapp's rose madder worsted*

      LOVE Jane Austen, Lord of the Rings, and L.M. Montgomery. Also, P.G. Wodehouse’s Jeeves and Wooster and Blandings series, as well as E.F. Benson’s 6 books on Miss Mapp and Lucia (gloriously petty social rivalries in English villages in 1920s).

        1. Clisby*

          I love Wodehouses’s Blandings novels – especially the ones where Galahad Threepwood gets to encourage young family members who’ve been sent down to Blandings to escape unfortunate romantic entanglements.

      2. dontbeadork*

        How did I forget Wodehouse for comfort reading? I have a floor to ceiling bookshelf full of his books!

    32. cleo*

      My comfort rereads tend to change over time, as my tastes change (or as the suck fairies ruin old favorites, lol). Currently my go-to comfort rereads are Talia Hibbert (The Fake Boyfriend Fiasco and Get a Clue, Dani Brown specifically) and anything by Cat Sebastian. And KJ Charles’ lighter books, like Band Sinister and The Gentle Art of Fortune Hunting.

      Earlier long time comfort reads were Sorcery and Cecelia by Patricia Wrede, Dragon’s Bane by Barbara Hambly and anything by Charles de Lint.

      I also used to reread my favorite 90s /early 2000 era romances by Jennifer Crusie, Amanda Quick / Jayne Ann Krentz and Susan Elizabeth Phillips all the time.

      Ursula LeGuin’s Earthsea series is probably the only thing that I’ve consistently come back to over the decades.

    33. Charlotte Lucas*

      E. M. Delafield’s Provincial Lady books. I read the first one in high school and was hooked.

      P.G. Wodehouse, too.

    34. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      –P.G. Wodehouse books, especially Jeeves stories (content warning for occasional racism and fascists, though)
      –Rex Stout’s Nero Wolfe novels (not really thought of as “cozy,” but Nero Wolfe’s household has a very cozy feel to it)
      –Jane Austen novels, especially *Pride and Prejudice*, *Emma*, and *Sense and Sensibility*

      When I was little, my comfort reads were *Mary Poppins*, *The Secret Garden*, and *Alice in Wonderland*. Many’s the night they kept me company when there was a monster under the bed.

    35. exoboist1*

      The Fionavar Tapestry by Guy Gavriel Kay. Lovely fantasy, big range of characters. I always cry at the end of the last one, but in a cathartic way.

    36. Crop Tiger*

      Miss Read, because nothing ever happens, and the Paksenarrion series because everything does. It depends on my mood.

  12. Streaming TV*

    I’m about to buy a TV after a lengthy interval of not having one. For home entertainment I mainly listen to news and music on the radio, watch free youtube music videos, and read, but now I will have many more options. I know I’ll want to subscribe to some streaming services but I don’t know which ones, and I am hoping AAM readers can provide some suggestions.

    I think I would enjoy watching news/opinion programs that are not Fox, classic movies, British series of the Masterpiece Theatre sort, and intelligent comedy including romantic comedy. Which streaming services are good for that kind of content?

    1. goddessoftransitory*

      Amazon Prime can get you Acorn, PBS, and other “Masterpiece Theater” stuff, along with tons of old movies.

    2. Sloanicota*

      To be fair, I get pretty good coverage with rabbit ears of the most basic channels; there are more networks than ever that mostly show reruns of old favorites (24 hour marathons of procedurals is pretty standard on multiple networks now) and you can also get PBS pretty easily. Just putting it out there.

    3. Professor Plum*

      Watch for Black Friday deals coming soon for streaming services. It’s often a good low-cost way to try a service for a year to decide if it’s worth the renewal price. Of course you have to remember to do the evaluation process before next year’s renewal date.

    4. StreamingIsBifurcated*

      I’ve found most content is split across streaming channels. Amazon Prime is a decent starter set if you’re not looking for recent movie releases, but you have to be careful because they’ve been increasingly pushing add-ons not included with the base service (like subscribing to other streaming services from within the Amazon interface).

      I personally have gotten the most out of my Disney+/Hulu bundle. I recently decided to add Max to my bundle but I haven’t decided if I’m keeping it. It does include CNN if news is important to you. It also has content from Turner Classic Movies, but a lot of it is more recent than I’d expect from that channel.

      I have been resisting Netflix because I really don’t want a gazillion separate services (I get Amazon for other reasons but do watch it), but most of my friends find it to be the best general option.

      You might also like BritBox which some of my friends who particularly like British television rave about (I have no personal experience with it).

    5. Sparkles McFadden*

      PBS Passport – You can support public TV and stream PBS content.

      Kanopy – A free streaming service available through your local library. It has classic and independent films, documentaroies, etc.

      If you can deal with lots of advertising, try some free steaming services like Pluto, Freevee and Tubi.

      There is a lot of stuff available via Amazon Prime, but having a Prime account gets more expensive every year. If you don’t already have a Prime account, you’d spend less with BritBox or Acorn.

      There are also a lot of broadcast movie channels. I can pull in nearly 80 channels just with rabbit ears.

    6. noname today*

      Apple TV, Hulu, PBS (not monthly—comes free with annual membership). and paramount are where we spend a lot of time.

      I have friends and relatives who pick one streaming service only—use it for free for 29 days and if they find they’re not watching it, cancel on day 30 so they don’t have to pay monthly. If they find they are using it regularly, they keep the membership. If you’ve been off tv for a while, maybe try that as a dip-your-toe technique so you’re not overwhelmed by the options.

    7. WellRed*

      I go back and forth with adding and discontinuing (it’s very easy) but I’ve stuck with Hulu (lots of TV series which I prefer over movies) and Amazon Prime (ugh, Bezos).

      1. Rosyglasses*

        I do this too – We have Netflix as a standard, and Prime Video because… well, Prime. But I swap between Apple, Hulu, and HBO Max.

    8. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Depending on where you live, you might do well with a regular antenna! There are still a lot of channels broadcasting for free over-the-air, and a decent antenna is relatively inexpensive and a one time charge only.
      It was worth it for my family just to watch the Macys Thanksgiving Parade, the New Years Eve shows, and the Kentucky Derby without paying for it. Also many major league sports are available that way, I’ve seen football, basketball, golf and racing while channel surfing.
      I’ll also add that if you’re planning on waiting for Black Friday/Cyber Monday deals, make sure you know what you want ahead of time and how much they cost NOT on sale. There’s been a lot of ripoffs the last few years where a store raises the price then “puts it on sale” for the regular price.

    9. nonprofit director*

      Several people have suggested an antenna. If you get a smart TV, which I think all of them are now, you will see there are hundreds of free channels that you can pick up with an antenna (local HD channels) an internet connection (free streaming channels). Lots of movie channels, including classic movies. And news and music channels and other things.

      I don’t do Amazon Prime. But I am a member of my local PBS station. For as little as $5 a month, you can get the “passport” benefit, which gives you access to everything on demand. I love it. I also have Netflix, which I am reconsidering because I don’t watch it as much anymore with all the free channels that are available through my smart TV. You might want to explore your own TV’s free channels before subscribing to anything.

    10. The Other Dawn*

      I have Walmart+ and found out that I get Paramount+ for free with that. I also have Amazon Prime, which gives me Prime Video. I have Netflix and also YouTube Premier. I finally cut ties with cable after a lifetime of having it. I realized I hardly ever watch regular TV anymore and cable is very expensive now. I tend to stick to YouTube and shorter content. So I cancelled cable and my landline, and just kept the internet through the cable company.

    12. Generic Name*

      I have a Samsung smart tv, and I get a ton of free Samsung+ channels, in addition to broadcast stations I pick up via a digital antenna. Plus I have several streaming services.

  13. Not That Jane*

    My mom loved Barbara Pym’s novels; they were one of the few things that could always make her chortle with laughter. I tried a few, but I think I wasn’t ready to get the humor.

    It would be her 75th birthday today, and she’s been gone for almost 18 years. So. Thanks for reminding me of her and nudging me to check out Barbara Pym again :)

  14. Saturday*

    Does anyone have a recipe for chana masala that comes out well? I’ve tried a couple, and they just weren’t right. Or if you have tips for making it work, that would be appreciated too!

    2. HannahS*

      Swasthi’s Kitchen is my go-to. Her kitchen tools and mine are fairly different but I find I can adapt the methods.

      1. kt*

        Agree, Swasthi’s Healthy Recipes is my go-to. She sometimes has different versions of the same dish, can’t remember for chana masala if that’s the case.

    5. Fellow Traveller*

      What feels off about your recipe? I feel as if chana masala tastes different at different restaurants when I try it. That siad, I do really like the version in the Indian Instant Pot cookbook by Urvashi Pitre

    6. Charlotte Lucas*

      I use Madhuri Jaffrey’s recipe from World of the East Vegetarian Cooking. She calls them Very Spicy, Very Delicious Chickpeas. (I do sub in tomato paste for finely chopped tomatoes.)

    7. Tech Industry Refugee*

      Finish it with a squeeze of lemon and lime. Sautee the spices at the beginning with the onion and garlic.

  15. Wonder Woman's Tiara*

    I’m now exactly a week away from having a hysterectomy and beginning to mildly freak out. I’ve never had any kind of surgery before and I won’t know (amd nor will the surgeon) if it can be done as keyhole surgery until after it’s happened!

    Not looking for medical tips but does anyone have any tips, recommendations, suggestions, etc. for recovery? In particular, not panicking too much beforehand or dying of boredom afterwards?

    1. Esprit de l'escalier*

      For the not panicking too much part, I’ll pass on advice I got from a friend that’s been helpful to me. The idea is that when you find yourself persistently worrying about something, you tell yourself “This is not happening now or imminently, so it is not real now — it’s just a thought in my mind. I don’t need to fret about something that isn’t real.” This doesn’t mean “don’t plan for future events”; rather it focuses on the pointlessness of worrying about them.

    2. I didn't say banana*

      Some advice that I found helpful when I was stuck in bed recovering was to establish a routine. Morning you spend in bed with a book, after lunch you move to the couch and watch a movie etc, to break up the day into less boring chunks. Good luck!

      1. Wonder Woman's Tiara*

        I don’t think they accept votes from one of the literally dozens of people on the internet who aren’t American…

        1. Pizza Rat*

          Whoa, this is an excessively snippy reply for what is admittedly a pretty unhelpful comment. I get you’re stressed about your procedure, and I hope it goes well, but you’re taking Double A’s comment so personally when it really wasn’t. Assume positive intent and try to take comments with the spirit with which they’re intended.

          1. Courageous cat*

            I would love if we stopped policing people’s tone so much on this forum, lol. Her response was mildly snarky at best, let’s just let people have the reactions they are having?

        2. Arrietty*

          I think this is a stray response to the next post down, which asks what people are doing this weekend, and not a suggestion for you.

    4. Rosyglasses*

      If you do not have laparoscopic and they do incision (similar to c section) be prepared for no abs to lay down in bed. My partner had to help me and I ended up spending most of my daytime and sleep time in our recliner because it hurt too much to try and get up and down from bed. Walk as much as you can to help the muscles recover. Stay ahead of the pain or discomfort healing by taking your meds on a schedule. Again it was helpful for me to have a partner to help manage this for me.

      I didn’t feel much like eating for the first week after – mostly due to the anesthesia working its way out of my system. Scrambled egg and bone broth were nourishing and filling.

      The first few days between recovery from the body trauma of surgery and pain meds I mostly slept and watched a little tv.

      Happy to share more if you’d like!

      1. Chaordic One*

        Bone broth is certainly nutritious and easily digestible, but almost any kind of broth or soup will do.

    5. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’ve had both a keyhole hysterectomy and a separate abdominal surgery so I know about both. I second the suggestion about pain meds from Rosyglasses. Taking your medication on a schedule will prevent pain from escalating and having to beat it back down.

      The best suggestion I got was from my sister the RN. For some people, pain medication can cause nausea so she had me ask my doctor for a prescription for anti-nausea stuff, asked before the surgery while I was still coherent enough to remember. It worked great and it also helped me sleep. (Alison, I hope that’s not crossing into medical advice.) After surgery, sleep is the wonder drug.

      When you’re able to do so, it’s good to slowly walk a little, even just around your house. It gets your blood moving and helps you feel better.

      As for boredom, I know everyone’s different but honestly what I did was just stare at the ceiling after my abdominal surgery. And that was fine with me! Then again, I’m someone who can comfortably do nothing even in my daily life.

      Wishing you well!

    6. blueberry smoothie*

      when I had surgery, I found easy-to-read novels helpful. I get bored easily. The authors I like were Carl Hiasson (vaguely funny), and the murder/detective series by Sue Grafton. I could skip pages and it was fine. If food is a comfort to you, you can prepare some now.

    7. Some ideas*

      Some folks have already added ideas for the worrying.
      To your second point: it’s usually difficult to estimate beforehand how much recovery from surgery will affect your attention span or energy levels.

      My tip would be to have entertaining stuff at hand ranging from “can’t focus at all” like during the worst flu/migraine/whatever you’ve had to “just feeling a bit under the weather”. That could look like only listening to some music or easily tuned out podcast, having a couple of favorite books for re-read, series on Netflix you’ve been meaning to watch, or some engaging but short games of the Candy Crush variety. If you have puzzles, crosswords or easy to do crafts lying around, those might also be good for the pile.
      Maybe compiling a list of ideas or a box of items can help as distraction for now?

      Also asking friends and family to share little snippets of what they have done lately or just sending some nice photos or memes during recovery can be helpful. That way you won’t have to come up with something and just enjoy some light-hearted messages.

    8. Seashell*

      My husband is a big baby when it comes to illness. He had his gallbladder removed, which they were hoping to do laparoscopically, but it was too inflamed.

      Afterwards, he said the worst pain was the catheter removal, and I suspect that’s easier on women (from what I remember from my c-sections, it wasn’t that bad coming out.). He recovered well and was up and about before too long.

      So if a big baby can handle abdominal surgery, I have no doubt you can too! ;-)

    9. Evan88*

      For me the biggest things were taking ibuprofen to reduce swelling and focusing on how amazing it would be to no longer have periods (which it absolutely is, omg life changing). I also did a paint by number while laying in bed and it’s one of my favorites now. I painted it while I was all doped up and it looks like a crazy raccoon made it. I hung it on the wall and laugh every time I look at it.

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      The pre-surgical counseling from my cancer center turned out to focus on mindfulness (I expected diet and exercise) and was really helpful to me. How to drag my mind out of “I cannot affect this huge thing and I feel helpless” and focus on the present moment. She gave me a tape to help relax and visualize myself healing that I still use from time to time.

    11. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      The Hyster Sisters website!!! They have countdowns for before surgery and also afterward with what to do and expect.

      I wish I had completely emptied my bowels beforehand (Magnesium Calm powder drink does wonders for me in this area but use whatever works for you) You’ll be constipated as heck for weeks afterward (the surgery itself slows motility, and the anesthesia can too, and then you’re not allowed to strain/push after the surgery) so it helps to be starting off emptied. And take magnesium calm on a daily basis afterward too, till your habits are back to where they need to be.

      Belleruth Naperstek has a great guided meditation for preparing for surgery (you basically vividly imagine everything going exceptionally well, medical team is getting along and enjoying working with each other and commenting on how well you’re doing; your guardian angels or relatives or animals or friends are watching over you in the rooms; as soon as you’re wheeled out of the operating room your body is already kicking into gear healing because it knows what to do). Supposedly Kaiser did a study where they saved $2k on average when patients listened to this, because they had fewer complications, asked for less pain meds, got discharged faster etc.

      Good luck! Best decision I ever made.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        On the digestive side, I advise getting a small bottle of OTC stool softeners before the surgery. And then take them either preemptively, or at the very first hint that things might be a tad stopped up. You might think you’ll be too out of it to really care, but your mind can definitely carve out a little separate section that focuses on how you really need to go, but can’t, and are very uncomfortable.

        1. Seashell*

          After my 1st C-section, I didn’t go for like a week and that was massively uncomfortable when it finally happened.

          After C-section #2, the hospital gave me stool softeners. I was going while I was still in the hospital, and they took me off the medicine because things were too soft. It was a much better experience.

      2. ronda*

        some pain meds also lead to terrible constipation. So if you are using them, a stool softener (and laxative if needed) will be very helpful. I actually really wanted to stop the pain meds because the constipation was so bad for me after knee surgery.
        constipation was not so much a problem for me after an open surgery hysterectomy… but I was able to move to Tylenol after about 5 days of stronger pain meds in hospital.
        Still hurt when I moved the abdomen, but not bad when staying lying down or sitting up.
        I did have to change to sleeping on my back for quite a while because my preferred side sleeping style really pulled at the incision site.

      3. Deb*

        +1 for HysterSisters website! Also I got a hysterectomy pillow which had a pocked for an ice pack and for a book – and helped me sleep comfortably. Be prepared for fatigue that lasts a surprising long time – for me the pain wasn’t hard to manage, it was the fatigue that took me by surprise.

    12. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Mine was laproscopic, but it was for cancer and I also had some complicating stuff happening, too, so it was harder than your usual laproscopic. For example, I had a surgical drain in place for 10 days post op.
      I had several friends and family who lived out of state and said something like “I wish I could be there to help” – and I scheduled zoom chats with them for 1+ weeks after surgery. I had 2-3 zoom chats a week scheduled for weeks 2-4 post op, and it really helped with boredom and feeling less isolated. One friend even sent me a box with tea & cookies so we could have tea together, and I loved that.
      Meal prep single serving meals – after my husband went back to work I was home alone all day and since it was a cold and snowy January, it was so nice to have a hot lunch I could just microwave and eat.
      I got a lot of use out of my grabber tool. Never realized how often I dropped things until it hurt to pick them up!
      Second the advice to stay on top of pain and swelling instead of toughing it out until you HAVE to take something. So much easier to manage that way, and there’s no virtue in suffering the pain. After the first 48 hours, ibuprofen during the day and the stronger stuff at night.
      I wholeheartedly agree with the “establish a routine” advice. I was only allowed stairs once a day for the first little while, So I’d stay in bed all morning and watch TV, then around 11 get dressed and come downstairs for lunch, read a for a bit, do some zentangle work, maybe a nap in the recliner, have dinner with my family and spend time with them, then go up to bed.
      Remember that you are not “doing nothing” you are actively working on recovery when you stay down and follow the postop instructions! That was the most helpful thing for me – that shift in mindset.

    13. OmNom*

      If you have long hair, braid it before the surgery. It can get matted otherwise, and it feels uncomfortable and is a real pain to brush out.

    14. Not your typical admin*

      I had a partial hysterectomy a few years ago, and it was one of the best decisions ever. I felt so much better afterwards. As for a warm blanket for the ride home, and make sure you have a heating pad near your bed. If you have a cane or walker, that can be helpful for getting around the first day or so.

    15. Chauncy Gardener*

      Maybe hit the library and get a stack of light (as in weight) books?
      Try to cook a bunch of your comfort food to freeze in small portions?
      Set up things in your house so bending over or reaching up high isn’t necessary.
      Have friends/family on a schedule to come by a bit at a time.
      I wish you the best of luck with it all!

    16. WS*

      My friend was expecting laparoscopic surgery for her hysterectomy and instead had a regular surgery instead (for solid medical reasons), and she said she really wished she’d prepared for that possibility rather than being certain it wouldn’t be necessary. So you’re already ahead there! Her tip is to have a walking frame handy, not because she needed it to walk, but because it made it much easier to get up and down having something sturdy and immobile to hang onto. She was often tempted just to stay put but moving around really helped, and having something to help her up was important. And stool softeners!

    17. KathyG*

      One thing I’ve done for each of my last few surgeries, once in the OR & on the table, is to ask for someone to hold my hand. It is surprisingly comforting.

    18. RC*

      I had one in May (laparoscopic robotic-assisted). I cannot recommend highly enough a c-shaped body pillow— especially the first few days, there was only ONE position I could be in that wasn’t painful (the CO2 they fill your abdomen with takes time to work its way out, I think? So there were cramps if I laid on one side but not the other. Also I did. Not. Like. The opioids they gave me, so I have 19 of the 20 doses unused). But I slept with that pillow for about 3 months, to the mild annoyance of my partner (who was amazing about everything else). You will find them, annoyingly, in the pregnancy and baby section of Target, heh. Not bedding, for some reason!

      Also, be prepared for your recovery to be nonlinear. I thought I was doing well and then had a setback of pain around the 1-week mark and got extremely frustrated and annoyed at my stupid meat body (probably because I’d tried to improve too much, too soon). But eventually it did get better (and the surgeon was great with answering all my questions re: is this normal). Use your sick leave copiously (hope you have that option). I watched all of Homicide: life on the street (immediately before it showed up on Peacock) and then also did a rewatch of Burning Love because I just wanted something silly. The first ~24h post-surgery, warm broth was my friend.

      Not sure if it’s your situation, but I was also extremely worried about being in a medical facility unmasked, but when I voiced that they did accommodate by having everyone in my little recovery cubby be masked, for whatever that’s worth.

      And don’t be afraid to ask for a PT referral in a few months— I did just because I knew not using my abs for so many months was throwing everything into my back, and I wanted to get out ahead of that (plus I hit my out of pocket maximum so might s well, right). But I’ve heard from others with ab surgery that that can happen, which makes sense.

      1. RC*

        And good luck internet stranger, hope everything goes well and hoping they can do everything with the smaller incisions! Even if they need the bigger one, you’ll get through it. I think back to how much of my life I used to spend tending to my bleeding uterus and it’s like… wow. That was a lot of time in my life.

    19. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Maybe buy a lot of big, not-too-tight granny panties that can cover the incision site so you can always have something clean over it? And similarly, a lot of cheap big, loose dresses and/or long nightgowns that are easy to pull over your head?

      Perhaps you can arrange for someone to re-make your bed with fresh, clean linens fairly frequently too, just to reduce germs around the incision site until it’s well healed.

      1. Bibliovore*

        2nding hyster sisters. Pillow for under the seatbelt for the car ride home. I lived in loose dresses. If you have pets- extra pillows to keep them off your stomach.
        A couple of changes of sheets- I stayed on the pull out couch downstairs next to the second bathroom. I scheduled in people to change the sheets every day.
        Pick something to stream. I watched all of West Wing.
        Full body wipes like for camping.
        Sounds nuts but compote.
        My recipe-
        cup of prunes,
        a few dried apricots.
        an orange- zest and juice.
        earl grey tea bags
        cardomon pods.
        1/2 teaspoon of sugar

        boil around 2 cups of water in a small pot.
        turn off burner.
        steep the tea bags.
        Remove the tea bags.
        put all the other ingredients in the pot. bring to a boil then simmer for about 10 minutes until the dried fruit is soft and the liquid is a bit syrupy.
        take fruit out with a slotted spoon and put in a container.
        strain the liquid into the container.
        put in fridge.

        Serving is about 2 or 3 prunes or 2 prunes /1 apricot.
        eat alone or I put it on a 1/2 cup of cottage cheese or 1/2 cup of plain/greek yogurt.
        Twice a day.
        you can make more at once if you find out that you like it- I’ve been known to use a 1/2 bag of prunes.
        When Mr. Bibliovore had a knee replacement he put it on vanilla icecream.

  16. Valancy Stirling*

    Procrastination thread! What are you planning to finally do this weekend?

    I’m going to deal with the unholy pile of papers to grade, plus pitch a couple of articles.

    1. Healthcare Worker*

      I’ve started cleaning out a closet of clothes that I doubt will ever fit me again! Made a good start tonight and will finish tomorrow.

    2. Leaving academia*

      Put laundry away, pull out fall clothes (or put the sweater bin back in a closet?), set up roomba to run regularly

      Start strength training! Did an online class when visiting my sister the other week and…was very sore for days, time to fix that!

      1. Professor Plum*

        Yes—it’s the research part for all the fiddly stuff on my ballot. And interpreting all the double negatives—am I supposed to vote yes or no if I want this a particular initiative. Sigh.

        1. the Viking Diva*

          *so much* of this on my ballot this year. It really annoys me that we try to stuff all these things in the state constitution that really should be just regular ol’ laws. Legislators, do your job!

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            I suspect it’s usually not the legislatures refusing to do their jobs, but people who believe the legislature will (or has) made the wrong choice trying to circumvent them.

            I used to sign any ballot initiative petition because sure why not, but not after a few “How would I even know the correct legal guidelines for auto body shops?”

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          We had FOUR of those in a row this ballot–luckily all sponsored by the same villainous millionaire so it was pretty easy to vote them down.

        3. Rosyglasses*

          Yes – in addition to city and state measures, our city is doing ranked-choice voting for Mayor and City Council. Which has resulted in 3+ hours of research for the 18 mayoral candidates and about 30 city council ones! I’m grateful to have the ability to vote – but this year felt more onerous than most.

    5. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Just took care of the mess of weeds in the garden, so, one long-procrastinated task is done.

      I’ve been planning to submit a piece of literary translation I’m very proud of, and without getting into a long story, lots happened that made me think it would forever stay buried in my drive. But I think this weekend is the time.

      Plus perhaps I should start getting more serious with cover letters for job applications…nah, that’s next week’s problem.

    7. WellRed*

      Color my hair. I loathe doing it but it’s not only far cheaper, I get closer to the color I want.

    8. Annie Edison*

      I have a large rug and some giant throw pillows I’ve been meaning to sell on Facebook marketplace, and I’m finally tired enough of them taking up space in my apartment to do it. Hoping to have them gone by the end of the weekend, plus make a goodwill run to get rid of some smaller stuff

    9. Firebird*

      I’m feeling so productive today.
      Got the cookie book (a huge event from our local energy company), dropped off a pc and monitor at an electronic recycling event, and almost scared my neighbor and myself into matching heart attacks.
      I went down to get something out of my car and opened the garage door right in her face and we both screamed. We ended up laughing hysterically and it turns out that she is in the next door apartment. She introduced me to her cats, Fury and Margot.

    10. Chauncy Gardener*

      I need to make a spreadsheet of stuff for an organization I volunteer for. Been putting it off for weeks!

    11. Elle Woods*

      Harvest the basil from my AeroGarden, make pesto with it, clean up the AeroGarden, and put it away for the upcoming holidays. I’m looking forward to the pesto; definitely not looking forward to the cleaning up part.

    12. goddessoftransitory*

      Go to the hardware store for potting soil and new pots (I think I mentioned this last week too, oops!) Also buy fish oil for Peanut cat.

    13. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Ugh, sorry about your paper pile. I’m hoping to grade some things I don’t really want to grade while listening to an episode of *Columbo*, do some photocopying for class, and make some quizzes.

  17. Dabbling Writer*

    I’m interested in hearing writers’ approaches to the drafting process!

    After a lifetime of thinking I wanted to be writer then accepting I had no ideas….I finally at age 40 got an idea and now have about a 50,000 word start on a book. I’d say it’s about 1/3 to 1/2 done and my goal is to have a draft finished by the one year mark, which would be next April.

    I’m not even thinking about trying to publish, but I do want to get the book to the point where I feel it’s done and would theoretically be ready to publish. It’s not at a point where I’ve let anyone else read any of it, but I’m wondering about how other writers approach this. At what point do you have other people read what you’ve written? What involvement do other people have in the drafting process for you?

    1. Middle Aged Lady*

      I joined a critique group where we read and commented and helped with plot/character ideas, one chapter at a time. We each had about as much work done as you do now wheb we started sharing. It was very helpful and one friend has finished, two almost, and me: stalles out at 99,000 words.
      Look for local/regional writer’s associations if you are interested in critique groups. They sometimes help facilitate people getting together.
      You are off to a good start!

    2. Magda*

      There’s definitely no real answer to this, it varies by the person, but over time (I’m a traditionally published author) I’ve crept towards opening the story earlier. Since this is your first book, if you’re not stuck, I would say finish your complete first draft before you let anyone else “in.” Then, join a writer’s group as you embark on the editing process. That was how I started. It gives you an editing structure; each chapter you’ll clean up and then share, and then revise based on comments. By the time you’ve revised the whole thing you should be in a good place. If you’re still feeling good after that, you will probably want to have a different reader, ideally one who reads a lot in your genre, who may swap MSs with you (“beta swap”). That person will read it from beginning to end like a “real” reader would and probably give higher-level feedback. The members of the writers group won’t be good fresh eyes for you at that point.

      1. WritersGottaWrite*

        Also, not all critique groups are created equally. Don’t feel stuck if you don’t like the first one you join.

        1. Magda*

          So true! You’re looking for one that is supportive and encouraging and can help you write the book *you want to write.* I had to leave one that was so overly-prescriptive it seemed they felt all stories needed to be completely boilerplate (I can read “Save the Cat” on my own, guys). But to be honest, the biggest benefit of my current group to me is the structure – I have to get them a new chapter every so-and-so weeks – and the sense that someone other than me is invested so I need to keep going.

    3. sagewhiz*

      Full-time, long-time indie writer/editor here, which does not mean my word is gospel, but pretty darned close.

      You’re spot on not letting anyone else read … until you have a) completed the book and b) done at least one complete revision.

      Ditto to Middle Aged Lady’s advice. Bookstores and libraries are often aware of writer’s groups in your area. Or a simple google of “writers group” + “[your town]” Visit. Sit in on a few sessions to see if the group’s dynamics feel right for you before you ever bring anything for critiquing. Stay far away from any where the feedback (from even one member) is to tear down others’ works—critiquing should be positive, not negative, helping the writer get clarity.

      See if you can make a friend from the group, someone to talk to, to share each other’s frustrations when the inevitable writing frustrations occur, to help each other get that clarity, and to spur each other on.

      If you do decide you’ll want to publish, retain an editor after the manuscript is as polished as you can make it. Yes, it will cost you, but it’s not an expense,* it’s an investment that will make the book better. And that editor’s role should be making your *baby* as darling as possible before you present it to the world, not telling you, “you should do this,” “you should write it this way, or that.”

      *but this is an expense that’s tax-deductible when you do publish, so keep those invoices!

      1. Magda*

        It’s so hard to thread the needle of positive AND helping the writer get clarity. I know in my critique group, new members inevitably come hoping to JUST get praise and rave reviews. There’s always a bit of a stumble when they realize they’re also going to get a lot of suggestions for improvement. But, there should be a distinction between providing helpful feedback and being negative. You’ll know if you walk away motivated to make it better (aka, no longer believing your work is actually already perfect genius straight from the mouths of angels and all you have to do is ring up a publisher and let them know you’ve got something available) – but also not beaten down and discouraged, wondering why you ever thought you could do this.

        1. WritersGottaWrite*

          In my case I stopped going to local groups because I’d go out of my way to give constructive but friendly criticism to everyone but when it was my turn to read I’d get consistent “that was great” responses. I mean, thank you? but that’s not why I’m here. And I know there are things I struggle with (dialogue! dialogue is hard for me). I’ve found it hard to find a group that’s willing (able?) to actually critique. It’s an entirely different skill than writing and it’s one I’ve found difficult to find. I have experience as an editor and reviewer too (for a place that accepted negative reviews as long as they were well supported; I know some don’t), and if I ever join another group I think I’ll look for others with experience as one or the other or both.

          1. Magda*

            Ha, see I always worry we go too far the other way. We’re all basically looking for flaws so it can feel like you’re being picked apart by crows. But, we’ve all known each other for a long time now so there’s a baseline assumption we’re aiming to help. It can be hard to adjust when we get the occasional new person!

          2. Elizabeth West*

            There was one in my old city like that; I think it was on Meetup. I messaged them asking about joining, and they said they were all about “positive reinforcement.” When I asked about constructive feedback, they ghosted me. Oooookay.

        2. Middle Aged Lady*

          In my very first group, the advice about comments was “what you say should make the person want to keep writing!” I have not been in a group of naysayers or people who wanted boilerplate. But I have been in one where people were afraid to give constructive criticism.

      2. Double A*

        Thanks, this is absolutely my instinct. I have a lot of friends & colleagues who I would actually trust to do the high level beta reading and maybe even chapter by chapter editing (I’m an English teacher in a collegial and supportive department of almost 40). And I know where to start with the look for writers groups in my area too.

        I’ve read a couple of self published books recently and I just kept thinking….wow you really needed an editor. Definitely something I would spring for if I decided to do the publishing step (and thanks for that “when you decide to publish” vote or confidence!)

    4. Maryn*

      I was in an in-person critique group until I moved away from the area, for over 20 years. In that time, more than half of us were trade-published. (I didn’t get trade published until later than many, except for short stories.) We were focused on a narrow slice of the fiction market, mystery/suspense/thrillers, all of us writing within that area (as well as others, for some of us).

      I agree with everyone else who’s pointed out that a good critique group is important, and if you don’t click or it doesn’t feel right, it’s not the one for you. The ideal group for me would be a mix of ages, genders, races, incomes, and such, but a single genre of writing.

      There doesn’t appear to be a critique group here that’s right for me, so I mostly cultivate online sources for critique of works in progress, and as a final step, beta reading, mainly at AbsoluteWrite.com/forums. (Disclosure: I moderate there.)

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      I would highly recommend Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird for this; she lays out what and when different drafts and sections of the book need to happen, and highly recommends a reader you really trust, and will understand when you furiously break up with them after they point out that Character X’s motivation seems unclear (naturally, they are usually right.)

      And take her advice when/if you get a reader who says really destructive things to you, “even in the nicest possible tone of voice;” “I think you should get rid of this person immediately, even if you are married to them. Nobody should talk to you like this.”

      1. Double A*

        I’m definitely trying to have “strong opinions loosely held” about the whole thing. And will try to really hone in on my most sacred cows that I’m not willing to sacrifice while allowing everything else to be on the table for cuts and changes.

    6. Writerling*

      Great answers already, I’ll just add to keep in mind, when you get to that stage, that how readers feel/react to certain things is a compass, but don’t always/blindly accept whatever “fix” they might offer (if any). Like if someone says “I was confused by X, you should have Y happen there instead” make note of the former, rock of salt for the latter.

      Also a way to meet other writers: writing class(es)!

  18. Forensic13*

    Random request: my four-year-old watched Toy Story 2 recently and has become obsessed with the remote control car that some of the toys ride around in at some point. (If you haven’t seen the movie/don’t remember, it’s a larger blue convertible? van? wagon? that may or may not be a Barbie toy.)

    She doesn’t need that EXACT car, but does anyone have any suggestions for a remote control car that specifically has room for toys to sit in? That’s the aspect she’s fascinated by. Ideally it would fit at least some smaller stuffed animals.

    1. fhqwhgads*

      I have good news and bad news: it is possible to get an rc toy of that exact car. But, I think you might be remembering the scene wrong (or I’m thinking of the wrong scene) because Buzz and Woody aren’t in the car. They’re just sitting on top of it. So the one you can buy doesn’t really have a place for toys to sit in it either. And if you plunked an action figure on top, they probably wouldn’t stay there when it moves.
      That said, your best bet may be to look for RC Jeeps. Since it’ll probably have no top and open sides, that’s seems to me the most likely thing to work if kiddo wants to be able to put any of her existing toys in (as opposed to specifically a Woody or other Toy Story character).

      1. Double A*

        I think the car they’re driving is a Barbie car. So you CAN get such a car, and it will fit Barbies, but I think the movie it’s a regular non-RC Barbie car, it’s just able to drive because of the same magic that lets the toys come to life.

        But I just searched “RC Barbie Car” and lots of things come up.

        2. Forensic13*

          Oh, right! I did remember that the RC remote control car was separate, but didn’t consider that the other car might not actually be “driveable” in the real world.

          This is helpful, as I can be satisfied with the smaller Barbie cars and not search for the impossible.

    2. PhyllisB*

      This reminds me of when my girls were young I got them a pink Barbie car to ride Barbie and Ken in. One day they got the bright idea to take the family gerbil for ride with Barbie. I was hesitant but stayed close by watching. The gerbil
      LOVED it!! He leaned into the turns and everything. Sadly, we didn’t have cell phones then and I forgot to grab my camera, but that was the cutest thing I ever saw.

    1. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      Crocheting and watching old movies, making Christmas cards out of old magazines and washi tape, cooking soup, walks in the park.

    2. Sloanicota*

      This year I’m going all in on stained glass (you can cut, foil and solder at home, I’m going to go into the studio to do the grinding for now) but I do have a friend from class who has gotten into class blowing, and she said it’s the perfect winter activity because you’re nice and warm. She actually stops during the summers here, because ours are very hot and humid so it’s not so pleasant to be around the furnace.

    4. Professor Plum*

      In the last year I’ve been growing herbs, greens and microgreens in aerogardens—indoor countertop hydroponics. I now have 10 different units and put up shelves for them.

      I enjoy snipping fresh leaves for my eggs, salads, sautés, etc. and I love the bright light that combats the winter gloom.

    5. My Brain is Exploding*

      Does sleeping count? If not, I do more baking in the winter. I sew and quilt year-round. Going through old pictures (printed or in files online), labelling them, maybe making a book with the digital pics (like of a special trip).

    6. Girasol*

      I like to embroider while re-watching favorite movies. It keeps me entertained while I’m working but I don’t need to watch every scene.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I always do my yearly watch of Home Alone when wrapping Christmas presents. I’ve seen it so many times I don’t really need to look at the screen, although I do pay attention at favorite moments.

    7. The Builder*

      Chip carving is good when shut inside due to bitter cold. You can teach yourself with a book and a pair of c.c. knives. The tiny triangular wood chips are easy to clean up and no dust is generated.
      This carving style looks good as decorative accents on small boxes. Learn how to carve this winter. Make some box parts in a community workshop, class, or friend’s workshop during the warm months. You’ll be ready for final decoration and assembly during the following winter.

      1. Lil Bee*

        My late husband was a very prolific chip carver. He loved carving in his recliner in front of the wood-burning stove. He would put a chef’s apron over his lap and over the arms of the chair. Clean up was super easy.

    8. Chauncy Gardener*

      I do most of my reading in the winter, ideally in front of our wood stove. As well as all my continuing education for the place we do not name here.
      I also try to get through one or two storage bins each winter. Please don’t ask how many more I have to get through…..

    9. Bike Walk Barb*

      Knitting–keeps my lap warm.

      Jigsaw puzzles. I need to get one of those protector case things, though, because my cat will want to “help”.

      This winter I’ll be doing some food preserving. I did a ton of canning during harvest season but genuinely couldn’t keep up with everything. I have a freezer full of raspberries, tayberries, blueberries, tomatillos, and green tomatoes (the last of the crop that I couldn’t get to and I don’t have a good spot for letting them ripen slowly without running the risk of a fruit fly invasion). On some future cold Saturday morning, making a batch of jam and making the whole house smell delicious sounds very cozy indeed. Since I also bake bread I can look forward to some awesome snacks of fresh-baked bread with fresh homemade jam.

  20. Alex*

    I have this skirt that I theoretically really like. It is a wrap skirt, made of kind of thick material (so, winter) and then it has a tie belt made of the same material as the skirt.

    The skirt itself is very slightly big on me, but the belt THAT CAME WITH IT is not long enough to tie in a bow after wrapping around my waist. If I try to pull it at all tightly, the skirt itself bunches up. I don’t understand why they would make a belt that needs to be smaller than the circumference of the skirt!

    Anyway, does anyone have any suggestions on how I could style this skirt to look OK? Or how I can tie this belt in a way that doesn’t take up as much length as a bow? I’d really like to wear it with a tucked in shirt with the tied belt as an accessory but am open to other options. None of my regular belts seem right–they are all too narrow.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      Can you put a button on the belt? Or like, a snap with a decorative button over it if you’re not comfortable cutting and stitching a buttonhole, or find a cute pin/brooch to hold it in place without permanently altering the belt?

    2. Six Feldspar*

      Can you make the belt longer with different material? I would try to find a neutral colour, cut the original belt in half and then sew the halves to the neutral colour so you get both patterned bits at the front when you tie it

      1. Sloanicota*

        This is what I was thinking. Depending on the skirt, you *may* be able to get more material from a hem or just pick a fabric the same color as the base of the skirt. Of course I suppose by the time you’re at the fabric store picking out a complementary fabric you might as well just cut a new belt the correct length, using the width of the original one as the guide.

    3. allathian*

      Is the belt fastened to the skirt or a separate piece? Does the skirt have belt loops?

      I had a summer wraparound skirt with the opposite problem, the belt was a bit too long and I didn’t like the loops of the bow getting too long. Not quite long enough to go two laps around my waist. It was a separate piece, so I solved it by wrapping it around me 1.5 times. I started in the front in the middle of the belt, wrapped both ends around me and tied the bow in the front.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but if you put the middle of the belt in the front, wrap both ends around behind you and bring the ends back to the front to tie them together in a bow, then you have wrapped it around yourself twice – not 1.5 times – and tied a bow? By definition, wrapping it around something 1.5 times will result with the two ends opposite each other, not on the same side.

    4. Llellayena*

      Maybe add a D- or O-ring buckle. Those either rely on friction or a single wrap knot to stay and don’t take up a lot of belt length. The O-rings come in some interesting patterns too (ouroborus is one) and so could add to the look.

    5. Not A Manager*

      What I’m hearing is that the skirt and belt are separate. You can tie the skirt on, and then you put the belt on over it.

      If so, you could try loosely draping the belt in a single knot in the back, so the two ends hang down like a sash. You could add a buckle to one end, as suggested above, and pull the loose end through that to make a flat belt. Add a loop if needed to slide the excess through. Or you could try to find a longer cloth belt/sash that you like and wear that. I have some narrow scarves made of thinner material (so, not knitted wool) that I sometimes wrap around my waist. IDK if I could tie a bow with them, but if I cared I could cut the scarf in half longways and sew the two ends together.

    6. SuprisinglyADHD*

      A shirt I got ages ago came with a simple belt, it’s wide black elastic with a gold “hook” style buckle. I’ve used the belt way more than the shirt, it goes with a wide section of my wardrobe and can be worn at the hips or waist.
      I also have a dress with a short belt, I tie it in a half-bow (only one loop, the other end just hangs there).

      1. Firebird*

        Youtube has a bunch of videos for tying knots on trench coats. There are a lot of different knots that look nice.

  21. WoodswomanWrites*

    As you can tell from my user name, I enjoy writing and also editing. A friend is an expert about a topic that’s important to both of us, and he’s writing a nonfiction book about it. Years ago he sent me a draft of his first chapter, just for fun not work, and it was dreadful. I was able to gracefully encourage him to start over and find a professional editor.

    My friend and I talked on the phone yesterday about the shared topic of interest, and today he sent me his draft of the final chapters. Alas, the narrative is incomprehensible with an added layer of flowery metaphors. I’m not trying to be mean in my description here. I genuinely can’t get through more than a few sentences because I don’t understand what he’s trying to say and it ties my brain in unpleasant knots.

    Any guidance on how to respond? He is a respected expert who has given excellent talks on the topic, as well as a kind person. I don’t want to be insulting.

    1. Weegie*

      It sounds as though he really needs a ghostwriter or book doctor – I assume he didn’t take up your suggestion of approaching a professional editor?

      You might try approaching the issue by first telling him something like ‘the style of writing you’re using works best for novels’ and that ‘readers (or publishers) of non-fiction, especially this topic, are used to a different tone’. You could add something like ‘your talks are always so excellent, and it would be great to see if we could capture those in written form!’

      I’m an editor, and work with professionals who routinely and unnecessarily complicate their writing. I have had some success in dealing with incomprehensible or badly written material by saying this kind of thing, then taking the writer through a paragraph or two of their work and helping them to see how they could rewrite their sentences, or just saying ‘I’m not completely clear on the meaning here’, then suggesting how to rewrite as appropriate once I’ve understood what they’re trying to convey. Often they explain perfectly and in plain English, so I tell them ‘just write that!’ I reiterate ‘readers will be expecting to see this’ or ‘publishers tend to prefer . . .’, which softens the message.

      When/if you can get your friend to understand the issue, you could suggest he might consider working with a ghostwriter/rewriter ‘who understands what publishers are looking for’.

    2. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      There’s a story of Brene Brown experiencing something similar. She’s a great speaker but apparently not a natural writer, and would sweat and cry over a chapter and it would still come out mediocre. So she decided to pay some friends to go with her to rented beach house for a week, listen to her talk and take all kinds of notes of what she said, then she’d take their notes and consolidate them. Rinse and repeat.

      Is there a way your friend can similarly make his process more easy and playful?

      Invest his focus and energy on what he’s good at and outsource the elements he’s not good at, rather than investing tons of energy on getting better on this area (unless he just wants to do that which is fine but you’re clearly not available for)

    3. Magda*

      I don’t know … a lot of people who are showing others their work are really just looking for support/kudos/appreciation. You don’t like this work, but I’m sure you’re impressed that he’s written a whole book about it. You are definitely not the right person to take on editing or revising it with him, so I’d probably stick with faint praise and suggestions to join a nonfiction writer’s group or otherwise find the people who are going to help him advances. If he decides to self-publish as is, just tell him you’re impressed by his tenacity. Maybe someone out there will love this style. I would never put myself as the arbiter of what’s “good” but if I don’t like something I know I need to excuse myself from the process.

      1. Firebird*

        That happened with me and my sister. I took her literally when she asked me to critique her sales pitch. Then she got really mad at me, even though I was trying to be gentle about it. Much later, I realized she was mad because she was actually trying to recruit me for her MLM and I was oblivious to that.

    4. ItDepends*

      Some people cannot write. My company has a newsletter and the official line is the staff member responsible for X writes updates about X. We were supposed to rotate the main article among high level staff. Before we hired a marketing person I was the editor and I used to tie myself in knots trying to decipher what one guy wrote – and I knew his topic area well. I volunteered to write extra articles because it was both easier and faster than editing him. Another is better, but still not a good writer who needs lots of editing and re-writing. We hired a marketing person who was supposed to take over the newsletter. She couldn’t, though, because she isn’t a subject matter expert and cannot figure out what our problem child is trying to say (and sometimes has trouble interpreting the other person too).

      So, be kind, but know that there may not be much you can say or do beyond suggesting that the book may be aimed at folks with more expertise than you have. Ask if that’s the intended audience and, if not, suggest he simplify. Maybe suggest he hire another expert to edit or read and suggest changes, but that may or may not help.

      Along those lines, one thing I might recommend is taping and transcribing his talks and maybe turning it into a book of essays each based on a talk he gives?

      Also, is there any chance he was looking for affirmation rather than genuine feedback? If so, I might just say it was too far in the weeds for you and wish him well. I ask because sometimes friends just want the pat on the back when talking to friends and if that’s what he wants I’d keep it as brief as possible.

      Sorry you’re in this situation. I feel your pain.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        It’s amazing, when you think about it, how many people think writing–that is sustained pieces, fiction or otherwise–is something that Just Comes Naturally. Most reasonable people wouldn’t expect a random person to be tossed onstage in a tutu to be able to perform The Black Swan, or be handed a violin and produce flawless sonatas, but “anybody” can communicate clearly via written word on the first try, right?

    5. Ochre*

      One possible framing, since you’re only looking at the final chapters: the flowery metaphors represent a through-line that makes sense if you’ve read the whole book, but are really challenging if you haven’t. This may even be an effective method when he’s speaking about the topic (since it’s reasonable to assume the listener has been present for the whole lecture) but it’s harder in book form because it relies on the reader to hold this context (as well as the actual topic) in their head every time they return to the book.

      If these metaphors are central to his understanding of the topic or his emotional connection to the topic, you probably can’t dissuade him. But couching your response in terms of “the way you’ve chosen to explain the topic requires an extra layer of engagement and attention from the reader that detracts from the topic itself” might help because it’s explaining the impact of what he might simply see as an artistic choice.

    6. Not A Manager*

      You can be his friend, or you can be his critic. You can’t be both. You couldn’t pay me enough to give him an honest answer, and he’s not paying you. Just pick one or two things that you like well enough to give a mild compliment, and make vague noises about how you really look forward to the final version. You can also be effusive about how much work he’s put in, how much you admire his process, deflect to asking if he’s found an agent/publisher yet, etc.

      Most amateur authors will eventually pick up on consistent lukewarm responses, even if they don’t like them. Some will ignore any evidence that they are not the next Shakespeare. If your guy is the former, he’ll figure this out eventually. If he’s the latter, anything more that you share with him will just convince him that you don’t understand his genius, and it will probably drive a wedge between you.

    7. Morning Reader*

      Could you ask him if he found an editor or co-writer and say plainly that he really needs one, or a different one, without getting into a critique? The question might be mild enough. If he’s at all open to it, you could point him to some good examples of nonfiction writer, subject experts, who used co-writers, for him to read. Most recent one I can think of is the bestseller “Outlive,” in which the author readily admits that his first drafts were unreadable, and that he wasn’t publishable until he collaborated with a writer with a more journalistic background.
      I’m in a book club that reads nature and science non fiction. Books by writers are more readable but sometimes less rigorous on the science. Books by scientists can be a slog and often benefit from co-writers. The best ones are usually by writers with a science background who can make the subject interesting, e.g. Andrea Wulf, Michael Pollan. Only unusually eloquent scientists like Robin Wall Kimmerer can make a “good book” based in their field of study alone.

    8. SuprisinglyADHD*

      You might want to ask which he’s looking for: advice, or encouragement (feedback from you as an editor or as a friend). There’s lots of good advice in other comments, but if he just wants encouragement you can say things like how awesome it is that he’s reached the ending chapters and how good it must feel, and that while the writing style isn’t usually up your alley, those chapters show how much passion he has for the topic. You could also ask about his writing methods, eg how much outlining did he have to do or was he able to write entire chunks? Did he work from his notes from his talks? Did he need to do more research on a specific point? All of this moves the conversation from the writing style you didn’t like, to be about him and his hard work. You could ask (if you want) why his writing style is so different from his speaking style, or why he chose to use a narrative tone rather than the academic tone.
      Is he hoping to get this published? If so, he might be required to work with an editor, and you could give more advice-style feedback if/when he complains about being told to change things.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        The “advice or encouragement” question is a good one, and one that I always ask before I read my friends’ writing. That makes it easy to sort out just how much reading I actually have to do and how invested in it I need to be before I pick it up.

        Also, I always remind people of Chekhov’s razor: throw out the first five pages. (And the less writing you’ve done in this vein, the more pages you’ll need to throw out.)

    9. Oh no*

      Many of the commenters have good ideas. But you might want to not use any of their quotes verbatim if you’ve ever told your friend you read (or comment!) on AAM. Cause he will already know what you think from this post, alas.

      1. Oh no*

        Woodswoman, my apologies. I shouldn’t have added to your anxiety by suggesting your friend will read your post here! It isn’t likely, and even if it were, I was a moron for bringing it up.

    10. ElastiGirl*

      In my experience, you can give him honest feedback on his writing or you can maintain your friendship. You can’t do both. (There’s a fairly well-known essay about reading people’s work. Google “I will not read your f**king script.” Not for those with low tolerance for vulgarity, but it definitely applies here.)

      I would continue to encourage him to seek out a professional editor, and let it go at that. Good luck.

    11. Hyaline*

      I would really consider what kind of relationship you have with this friend and what kind of relationship you want to have moving forward. Often when people show their work to others they aren’t actually seeking a critical eye on them; if he is just looking for a friend to say great job and you want to be that friend you can certainly find something to praise. “It’s so impressive that you did all this work” or “wow you really know a lot about this topic.“ If you truly is looking for a critique partner, that really is a different layer on your relationship. You can have friends who are critique partners, but you have to have the trust built up that you can give critical feedback. If you don’t think that you’re that person or you don’t want to be that person or you don’t sense that he wants you to be that person don’t try to be that person. If you sense that he does actually want critical feedback, but you don’t want to be that person, I would recommend that he join a local writers group or even find a group online that will match make a critique partners. I actually would not suggest an editor or ghostwriter at this point in the process. He may need to learn for himself what his strengths and weaknesses are and whether or not he can self correct. He may also have a very skewed idea of the market for this kind of book and being in a community of writers will disabuse him of any notions that he needs to write this book because he’s sitting on a gold mine or anything like that. Personally, as a writer, I really heavily discourage people from paying for feedback early on or before they have set their goals for the project. It’s just way too easy to get bamboozled by not only bad actors in the editing world, but also by your own expectations of what writing and publishing a book is. I would really encourage him to build a network of writers and swim in those waters for a little bit before he makes major decisions about what he wants to do with his project.

    13. WoodswomanWrites*

      I decided to land on the side of encouragement. As some of you suggested, when my friend shared an early draft and asked me to critique it many years ago, I encouraged him to write the way he talks. The examples some of you shared about talking out their narrative with someone sound great.

      I decided to just ask him about his plans as a friend. He shared with me that his son, a copy editor for newspapers, has been helping him with the book. It appears his son has landed in the same place as me, deciding that support and the relationship are more important than an in-depth critique.

      The book is a guide to a particular place that was encouraged by a nonprofit press that supports that location. My friend indicated that he will send the manuscript to them with options to publish it under their auspices or to cover the cost of producing it himself. So he will inevitably get feedback from professionals, which fortunately takes me out of that role entirely.

  22. Self Cleaning*

    How often do you run your appliances’ self-cleaning mode? I had problems with both my washing machine and dish washer not cleaning quite right, and both improved immensely after running the self cleaning cycles. I’m wondering if I should be doing it more often than just “when it gets bad”!

    1. Six Feldspar*

      Once a month I run an empty dishwasher cycle and an empty washing machine cycle and that seems to clean them out (my appliances don’t have a self cleaning mode as far as I know). I also try to let them dry out between uses whenever I can

    2. Square Root of Minus One*

      Once to twice a month for dishwasher, every 6 months so far for washing machine, but I think I’m gonna increase the frequency on that one.
      I also regularly do some small maintenance by hand of the sensitive parts (rinse filters, sponge on the rubber parts).
      I miss my self-cleaning oven (twice a year).

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’m not sure if mine even have a self-cleaning cycle, but on the dishwasher, we manually clean out the filter and run a cleaning tab through it (just chuck the cleaning tab in where the soap goes and run it empty, sometimes with a bowl of vinegar on the top shelf if it seems warranted) about once a month. We run the washing machine empty with vinegar every few months when someone remembers, but we should probably do that a little more often.

    4. Squidhead*

      Our Samsung washing machine lights up a “clean me” light and that’s when we run a cycle with an Affresh tablet. I’m going to guess it does so every 60 loads? I’m not sure how it tracks it and sometimes we wash more “heavy” loads than others, but it probably works out to every 2.5-4 months (only 2 of us in the house).

    5. Time for Tea*

      Washing machine generally every week or two, it sends an alert and flashes up on the control panel every two weeks I think if you haven’t done it. We are outdoorsy and have a Labrador that sheds hair like mad so the machine does work harder than other people’s may with different lifestyles!

      Don’t have a dish washer and having another machine to maintain does put me off getting one when we get round to remodelling the kitchen.

    6. SuprisinglyADHD*

      For the dishwasher, try to get in the habit of checking the filter more frequently (easier said than done, I know). It’s super gross but helps a lot.

    7. fhqwhgads*

      After a certain number of loads, my clothes washer lights up a little self-clean logo. So I do it when it tells me to? You might look up the manual for your make and model. It probably has a specific recommendation.
      For the dishwasher – I know this because I JUST replaced an old broken one – the manual said to do it once a month, so I do that now. With the older one it was more like quarterly, but that wasn’t manual-based. I’m pretty sure a plumber suggested it a zillion years ago after fixing…something.

    8. Qwerty*

      I aim for quarterly, that way if I miss a cleaning it is unlikely to get too bad. Usually I do some form of switch at the change of seasons (like swapping out seasonal clothes) and use that as a reminder to do the big cleaning items like self-cleaning cycles, cleaning out the fridge, etc.

    9. Arrietty*

      Monthly for the washing machine – it tells me when it needs it, but also I got into the habit of doing it on the 1st of the month when I was washing cloth nappies every two days (cleaning the machine was essential for obvious reasons). Don’t forget to wipe out the door seal and take the filter out to clean it!

      1. Bike Walk Barb*

        Wiping out that door seal for the washing machine is critical. We do that after any laundry activity and leave the door propped open a bit to let it air dry. Once stayed with a family member who hadn’t ever done that and was horribly embarrassed when my husband did so after we’d done some laundry and found a bunch of black gook.

        This is making me wonder when we last ran the dishwasher cleaning cycle, though, or checked the filter….

    10. Random Bystander*

      My washing machine had a symbol that pops up when it’s time to run it. I had originally planned to do it once a month, but I tend to be a little forgetful about that (I just have to make sure to start it at night because it takes so long!).

      Dishwasher doesn’t actually have self-cleaning, but I’ll run it empty when things don’t seem to be getting clean.

      Stove … whenever it looks bad.

    12. Generic Name*

      I agree with the self-cleaning. I’m also very annoyed to report that all the problems we were having with the dishwasher not cleaning properly were solved by using name brand detergent (rather than store brand). Sigh

    13. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      My dishwasher doesn’t have one. How often do you clean the filter in your dishwasher?

  23. Shanders*

    All y’all BRING IT with your usernames, and it’s seen and appreciated. Puns, literary references, nailing the call back… I enjoy them more than the actual comments some days.

    As you were.

    2. 248_Ballerinas*

      My current username is (I think) pretty and practical. It helps me remember the model number of my favorite manicure shade.

    4. The Prettiest Curse*

      I am bad at actually reading usernames on this site (my eyes often skim right over them to get to the actual comment), but I’m always amused by the variety when I actually do read them!

    6. Six Feldspar*

      I picked mine to reference a scifi series and my past life as a geologist, but most of all to make it easy to search comments!

    8. Texan In Exile*

      I used to be The Class Factotum, which is what former boyfriend started calling me after we watched the movie. :)

    9. Chaordic One*

      Time and time again I am struck by the cleverness, thoughtfulness, creativity and originality of the usernames. (And the majority of the posts on this site.)

    10. WoodswomanWrites*

      I love user names, too. Mine is the name of my blog. The Woodswoman part comes from the fact that for many years I did indeed live and/or work in a forest.

      A couple of my favorites don’t post under these names anymore, but I always laughed at Not Mad But Sometimes Irritable Scientist as well as Princess Banana Hammock. I smile when I see posts by Not Tom Just Petty.

  24. LGP*

    Sign language names

    My wife and I are starting to teach our baby some signs. We are all hearing, but we would like him to be able to communicate with any future classmates who are deaf or hard of hearing. We’re starting out with basic baby-related words (milk, bottle, sleep, etc.), but as he gets older we want to move on to full sentences. (All this to say, we aren’t just using signs for the baby stage to help him communicate with us until he’s able to talk; we’d like him to really learn the language). But we are new to it ourselves, and one thing we’re not sure about is how to sign his name. Right now we’re finger spelling his name, but it seems like it would be helpful to have a particular sign that refers to him. However, we’ve read that only Deaf/HoH people are in a position to give someone a sign name. So we’re wondering how to approach this. Do we just continue finger spelling his name, and maybe in the future if he can take sign language at school, his teacher can give him a name? Or can we just choose a sign to use among ourselves but not out in public? We realize we are not very familiar with Deaf culture and want to be respectful.
    (By the way, we live in The Netherlands so we are teaching him Nederlandse Gebarentaal. So the customs may be different than with ASL or BSL.)

    1. That's hard*

      I don’t know any sign language but I have some experience with parents trying to teach their kids languages they don’t speak well themselves: and that is that it is really really hard. You end up teaching the kid your mistakes, for example, or, more anecdotally, setting the kid up for some hefty and sometimes painful misunderstandings in the future.

      That isn’t to say don’t do it, exactly, but the fact that you are asking here rather than your sign language community at home worries me. If you want your kid to be fluent (which is a totally cool goal!), you should be immersing yourselves in that community at home! Your kid would then be immersed with you and learn far better than you can possibly teach. And presumably you’d then know someone who can actually accomplish what you’re asking for here: giving your son a sign name. Or at least talking you through how that goes with maximal respect.

      Good luck!

      1. Sloanicota*

        True, maybe hiring a caregiver who is fluent in sign would be the best route. And they can teach you also.

    2. RagingADHD*

      I am not sure about your native signing, but ASL has a totally different grammar and syntax than English, so while learning individual words is great for babies, you need a community to learn in yourselves if you want him to really be able to communicate. You wouldn’t expect your child to truly acquire a spoken language you can’t speak, surely?

      You’ll all be better off taking IRL classes together, and then you can learn about Deaf culture in the Netherlands, which is different from Deaf culture in the US or other countries.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Great British Bakeoff last season had a contestant who was deaf, and a really charming bonus scene (maybe linked here?) about the sign names she created for each person on the show. Also various baking terms got a sign version.

      I would frame it I think as “a thing that helps him communicate with us now.” So you should have symbols that work for your family and where he is now. I agree with That’s Hard that it is difficult to teach your kid something you yourself are not good at. If he isn’t going to be “eavesdropping” on sign language conversations with your spouse, or needing it to talk to Grandma and that’s just how you talk to Grandma (just as you would learn conversational French if Grandma spoke only French)–then it’s much less likely to endure as a baseline he can build on in the future.

      I would focus on signs that work within the family for now, and if you want to commit to teaching him NSL, you and spouse learn NSL and use that as a family. As with speaking Welsh, this will be much much easier if you have a Welsh speaker on hand, particularly someone you can only communicate with by digging out the Welsh.

    4. Morning Reader*

      I don’t know the NSL custom, but when I took a class in ASL, we were asked to come up with a name sign for ourselves and it wasn’t that arduous. Often (maybe usually?) name signs use an initial or combine with some other gesture relating to the person. They are like nicknames or names for short, like Davy or DJ for David Jonathan. They don’t have to be permanent as a child grows into their full name or an adult version of it. You are the parents so I think you have naming rights at this stage. Something like Baby B (baby sign with hand in B position) or whatever baby’s initial is, would work. Or something cute that works in-family. (I used to call my baby the boo-faced one; can only imagine what the sign for that would be lol.)
      Alternatively, ask other parents in the deaf community what they do. (Good advice from others on that.) From my perspective, having taken one class in ASL, being a complete novice, and seeing how hard it would be to develop fluency, I suggest dialing back any expectations of fulling learning the language, and focus on what is most useful to you all now (communicating with baby) and vocabulary building. That way if baby needs to sign later in life, there will be a solid foundation for learning more.

      1. kalli*

        Same in Auslan classes – first initial + pick a sign/word that’s meaningful to you and that’s your name sign. Some people were like ‘J + car’ or ‘P + sport’ from their main hobby, some people chose their favourite colour, a couple of people picked a feature or trait like ‘colourful’ or ‘elegant’ or ‘long hair’. Result: we had a random assortment of vocabulary to build on when learning sentences and stuff.

        The thing with that is we were *all* learning from speaking English to some degree, so learning word + this is the sign for the word made sense. Babies do not have that and they learn language very differently, largely organically from listening and observation, and they benefit hugely from immersion. Learning a few ‘key’ words is not that, and since many of the words people use a lot with babies are far less relevant in school environments (nobody’s telling a second-grader it’s bath, bottle, bed time in math class) it’s not actually helpful to learning a sign language without the actual framework of communicating with it for them to learn by. Meanwhile, if baby needs to sign when they’re older, they will learn it differently and pick up what they need from repetition and study.

        Learning some sign as a kid is super helpful, sure – I learned to fingerspell in kindergarten, but that was actual formal instruction at kindy where someone came in and demonstrated it and we all copied it, and it was very much against the English alphabet and in conjunction with what we were learning, and then it was repeated in Reception and year one (the first two years of primary/elementary school) in the same way we had a Japanese person come and read us Sadako and teach us to say ohaio and konnichi wa, an Italian person came in and showed us how to cook pasta, not really ongoing or in depth but ‘hey d/Deaf people exist and they’re normal people you treat normally’ shallow cultural awareness.

    5. Nancy*

      I think you should reach out to the Deaf community and ask them for advice, as they would best know the answer. Looks like there are a few orgs in the Netherlands.

    6. AnonymousOctopus*

      Fluent ASL signer here, I don’t know the customs of the NG signing community but you really, really need to ask them instead of us. In American Deaf culture this would be verboten and would mean your family being held at arm’s length from the community, which is counter to your goal of having your child be able to continue learning the language and socializing with deaf peers.

      Not sure about NG but ASL has many fingerspelled words without set signs, so if anything getting new learners used to finger spelling is a very good thing. One more point in favor of not crossing that boundary.

      1. Morning Reader*

        By “this would be verboten” do you mean trying to teach baby sign, or just giving baby a name sign?

        1. AnonymousOctopus*

          I meant hearing people giving name signs.

          There have been interesting discussions in the community re: baby sign. I can’t speak for the community (and it isn’t a monolith), but some find it… strange that hearing babies are encouraged to learn sign, while parents of deaf babies are often told NOT to sign with them in case it “hinders their speaking and listening skills”. For more info, look up language deprivation.

          2. RagingADHD*

            We did Baby Sign for our first, and it is always done in conjunction with spoken words. It is never a substitute for adult speech. It’s really a different thing than ASL altogether.

            They are very simplified gestures, because babies under a year old have the cognitive ability to understand some words, and the gross motor skills to perform basic gestures, but not the fine motor control to form understandable words with their mouth.

            It’s more or less an elaborate form of “wave bye-bye”, and you can start using it at the same age baby can wave, often somewhere around 8 months.
            The parent talks to the baby while signing. Then the baby can sign words they can’t yet speak, like more, drink, eat, music, book, etc.

            It’s common for babies to start creating their own signs as well, so it winds up being pretty individualized to the family. Our first kid’s favorite sign was to point at her ear when she heard an unfamiliar noise (there were a lot of city noises). Of course, this sort of thing is also a natural part of child development – lots of kids do things like that whether they were taught signs or not.

            Studies show it can speed up language acquisition, although I don’t know if it’s clear whether that’s because of the signing per se, or because the parents are being intentional about spending extra time teaching their kid words.

          3. Still*

            Surely the people who encourage hearing babies to sign can’t be the same people who discourage signing with deaf babies…?

      2. Generic Name*

        Interesting. I was in a Girl Scout troop where the meetings were held at a school for the Deaf, and the troop had about half hearing and half Deaf girls. The hearing girls were told to come up with a sign name for themselves. Sadly, while I do know some signs, I am not remotely close to fluent, even after being around the language for several years.

    7. LGP*

      Thank you for the replies. We are still at the very beginning of this process, and we definitely will be reaching out to our local Deaf community. Of course this comment section isn’t the only place I’m looking, but the commenters here tend to be very thoughtful and helpful, and I just wanted to see if anyone had any personal experience in this area.
      Also, I should clarify that my wife and I are mainly focused on laying a foundation right now. We aren’t presuming that we will teach him NGT all by ourselves, but we want to get familiar with it, and then all 3 of us can continue to learn it from people within the community as he gets older.

      1. That's hard*

        Out of curiosity, would you be willing to share the motivation for wanting your kid to learn specifically sign language where you are? If you have no ties to the community yourself, it is a surprising choice, at least to me. No judgement here–just massively curious! (And it is not like I can’t relate–I wish I knew some version of sign language, but I don’t.)

        To underscore my point above: I think the sooner you and your family can establish positive contacts and relationships in the community, the better off you will be. (ALL of you! Nothing like immersion for language learning!) Language is inextricably tied to culture, so missing that piece will make everything harder for you all the longer you are isolated from it. Especially once your kid starts expressing very stubborn Opinions About All The Things, which will happen sooner rather than later. (I’ve definitely experienced kids rejecting this kind of thing–much less likely to happen if they know oodles of people they like who also and/or only speak that language.)

        Good luck with everything!

    8. Qwerty*

      Slow down and work directly with the community you are hoping to be a part of.

      It sounds like your baby is not verbal yet, so you basically have picked their first language to be one that you do not speak which could have repercussions. Sign languages are full languages with their own grammar rules. There’s also a risk that focusing on this rather than speaking could delay or limit their verbal communication (have a nibling dealing with that right now)

      I live near a big Deaf community with dedicated schools, so there are programs to help the hearing community interact. The earliest age I could find for a hearing child to learn ASL was 5yrs old and only part of a family program. Most required the child to be 10+. Kids are still sponges at that age and learn new languages in elementary school – you don’t need to start as a baby.

      I’m assuming there is a Deaf community near you so start with them. Don’t give them your plan or what you want to teach your baby – ask how to support the community as well as what to teach your child at various ages. They may even tell you that it isn’t helpful to them for your child to learn sign language (the public school that is literally across the street from the Deaf school has zero ASL classes, though they do teach about the community)

      In the meantime, don’t ignore Baby Sign if that’s a thing in your country. Kids use that up through age 3, falling back on it when struggling with words or emotions. It will help your child communicate with other children their age in the near future – even after they age out of using it, they’ll still understand younger children and I’m starting to see children with developmental delays fall back on it during periods of stress.

    9. Silent E*

      Sign Duo on YouTube just recently addressed the giving of “sign names”! Sign Duo is a hearing/deaf couple in the US (I know you said you are in the Netherlands) but their video on this may give you some insight into the whys and hows of giving a sign name. The video is called “My Deaf Fiance Taught Me Sign Language | The Story of My Name.”
      We (both hearing) also taught our child (hearing) baby sign language, and it was so helpful in reducing everyone’s frustration when our child wanted or needed something but couldn’t yet tell us. I can see how it could be a stepping stone to learning proper sign language/Gebarentaal, but as others have mentioned, sign languages have their own syntax and grammar just like any other language. Also, do keep in mind that while your child may enjoy signing with you while he is little, he may not want to continue learning it as an official when he’s older.

    10. Jules the First*

      Your instincts are correct – you should not be the ones to give your child a sign name, if you are all hearing. Fingerspelling (even a short version) is the way to go. You’ll quickly discover that sentence structure in sign is completely different, and as hearing parents who are trying to learn and teach, that’s going to be really hard (imagine learning Russian and teaching it to your baby as you learn it!). If what you want is for your child to be able to communicate with other young people, you’ll be better off sticking to functional single-word signs at home, and building yourselves a Deaf community with whom you can practice your own signing. Your child will then pick it up naturally just as they would pick up any other language.

      My best friend at primary school was Deaf and we shared a playground with the local Deaf education programme – we all got along just fine with a selection of age-appropriate one-word signs, and I picked up enough ASL to be functionally fluent purely by hanging around with my friend and watching his interpreter in class.

    11. Red era*

      “(By the way, we live in The Netherlands so we are teaching him Nederlandse Gebarentaal. So the customs may be different than with ASL or BSL.)”

      Yeah so you’re gonna have to reach out to the real life Deaf and Hard of Hearing community in your local area about this for all the reasons RagingADHD said. Sign language isn’t just “local spoken language but with hands.” It is literally a whole separate language with its own grammar, syntax, etc.

    12. LGP*

      Thank you for the replies. As I said in a previous comment, we fully intend to reach out to our local Deaf community. I was just wondering if anyone here had any insight for us. So I appreciate your responses and will definitely keep them in mind.
      (Also, just for the record, I am indeed aware that sign languages are their own distinct languages with their own rules, etc. I apologize if my original post made it sound like I didn’t realize that.)

    13. Hyaline*

      I would be really clear with yourselves about whether you are truly teaching your kiddo an entire additional language or whether you are doing “baby sign” to help bridge the gap to spoken language. It’s really not the same thing, and the question of a name doesn’t really apply to basic baby sign. (I know I might sound mean here but my experience with hearing kids is that once they pick up spoken language they gravitate toward using that since it’s the water they’re swimming in—family and playmates are all speaking the majority of the time. That intro to baby sign doesn’t really lay much groundwork for the full diction and grammar of a true sign language.) My vote is—skip the name for now or just use “baby”.

      1. LGP*

        Our intention was specifically *not* to do “baby sign.” From what I’ve seen, many members of the Deaf community are critical of baby sign because it’s not always based in the local sign language and because parents tend to only use it until their kids can talk. (Obviously I’m not an expert and can’t speak for the Deaf community, but this is a viewpoint I’ve come across a lot). We want to use the proper signs and continue signing even after our son can talk. The intention is for it to be an additional language in our household, albeit one that we will all be learning more of as he grows.
        You didn’t sound mean, by the way. :) Thanks for your input.

  25. Forensic13*

    I’m making snake-shaped breadsticks for a party tonight. The recipes calls for black olives to make the eyes, but I hate them. Ideas for substitutions?

    1. Flower*

      Raisins? Currants? Dried cherries or cranberries (oooo, red eyes — creepy)? Halved, toasted hazelnuts? Capers? Beets? Also: snake-shaped breadsticks sound cool. Is there a backstory here?

      2. Forensic13*

        We’re having our Halloween party late and honestly, snake breadsticks were in the background of a random Target ad and I became fixated on them /facepalm

    2. Llellayena*

      Currants, raisins, pieces of nuts, sunflower seeds, capers. pomegranate seeds if you want red eyes instead of black.

    3. Brain Stormy*

      Capers? Raisins? Small chopped bits of pepper? Chocolate chips? Mini tomatoes (although those are likely to leak)? A nut of some kind, e.g. almond or pecan bits? Corn kernels from a can? Black beans? Pickle slices?

    6. Not A Manager*

      I’d give my Halloween snakes red or orange eyes! Red bell pepper, carrot, pimento. I like the idea of red hots, too.

    12. Forensic13*

      I ended up using red bell pepper! They looked cute, but unfortunately I didn’t oil the wooden chopsticks I wound them around nearly enough and I ended up serving them still on the “stakes,” as I declared them to be.

      I’d try it again, but the recipe needs some serious tweaks.

  26. Lady Sally*

    What is the appropriate dollar amount for a wedding gift these days? The guy getting married is a coworker who I’m generally friends with. Same level (pretty high level). It’s just me going. LCOL if that matters.

    1. Evan88*

      For a coworker I was friends with, I’d do $150. Anything over that is too much I think. You could get away with $100, but I wouldn’t go lower.

    4. fhqwhgads*

      It’s really whatever your budget is comfortable with. If they’re registered, hopefully there are items in a wide variety of price points and you can just pick one that works for you.
      (Side-eyeing my cousin, who registered for nothing that cost less than $400, other than a “help us buy a house” fund to which you could contribute increments of $100)

      1. Bee*

        Not OP, but I understood that to mean that they live in a LCOL area, not necessarily that their salaries are low — and probably not that since OP said they and their coworker are pretty high level.

        1. Donut*

          Hi, Bee. I think you are right — that is usually what LCOL means after all — but I couldn’t figure out how that was relevant here, which is why I wondered if they meant something else.

          1. Lady Sally*

            I just assumed – you pay more for groceries in CA than in Midwest middle of nowhere, so I thought there may be a difference in gifting amounts as well. The dollar goes further in LCOL. Maybe I’m wrong!

    8. Maggie*

      I’d just pick something reasonable from the registry if they have one that fits in your budget. Otherwise I’d give a $100 crate and barrel gift card.

  27. RussianInTexas*

    Not really a question! My sister and I had our trip to Spain, and thank you everyone for the tips!
    The trip was amazing. My sister is much younger, an architect, never been to Europe before, and now in love with public transit, Barcelona’s architecture, Madrid’s liveliness, in awe of Toledo’s age. And so am I.
    Unexpected highlight: Museo Nacional Centro de Arte Reina Sofía. Expected highlight: Prado.
    Surprises: how cheap these world class museums are, how cheap and accessible public transportation is (to her, really), how safe we both always felt (unlike some Americans I overheard at breakfast), and that I can walk 8 miles in one day up and down the hills in Toledo and not die. Also, we only needed to pay for the bathroom once.

    1. vargas*

      Sounds lovely! I spent a month in Barcelona many years ago,and absolutely loved it. I’m keen to get back to Catalonia/Spain and see more. How was the food? I remember going to the local large grocery store (Carrefour), and seeing more olive oil than I ever imagined.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        The food was great. There was a surprising number of vegetarian/vegan and healthy cafes and restaurants around.

    2. Bluebell Brenham*

      Thanks for letting us know. So glad you had a great time. I was there 30 years ago so your post brought back fond memories of the art, food, and so much walking!

    3. DistantAudacity*

      Thanks for the update! I’ve only recently started travelling in Spain (I’m Europe-based), and I totally understand why it’s so popular!

      I also like Madrid (have been for work), and fondly remember a day trip to Toledo many years ago. Good to hear that I’m not misremembering how great that was!

      I’ve been using Renfe, the Spanish railway with great success, in Andalucia.

    5. Six Feldspar*

      Glad you had a lovely time in Spain! I went a few years ago and the sagrada familia (Gaudi’s cathedral in Barcelona) is stunning even in the middle of construction!

      If you ever go again I would definitely recommend Seville (lovely city and has a palace similar to the alhambra in grenada but with fewer tourists) and Malaga and/or Cadiz (both are beach towns with local museums and Roman ruins)

  28. Toothy grin*

    I’ve unexpectedly had two teeth extracted this afternoon!

    I thought I was going for a consultation, but two teeth were so decayed I agreed to have them whipped out there and then.

    I was a bit in shock afterwards as I wasn’t expecting to have two teeth taken out, and had a little cry, which was a bit embarrassing.

    Back home now and just about to take the gauze out – wishing I’d had a huge drink of water this morning as my throat feels like the Sahara!

    Any tips or recommendations very warmly welcomed -I’ve never had a tooth out before, and hadn’t done any research so have no clue what to expect!

    Gentle hugs over the internet also gratefully received x

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Gentle hugs!

      The tannin in black tea encourages blood clotting and so it helpful if bleeding is an issue. Herbal tea isn’t going to have that effect.

      Sucking on cold things like popsicles can help.

      This spring my husband went to the Caribbean for ten days and I had TWO emergency trips to the dentist: the first to replace a filling, the second to white knuckle through doing a crown in a blizzard. Seeing my acupressure person after, she offered the thought that there is something really deep rooted with teeth, in terms of your body’s ability to pour stress hormones: That if your brain is saying “I consent to this drill in my mouth because it is a logical choice for my health and avoiding pain, so this is very logical” nonetheless your body is like “omigod what are you thinking RUN!”

      1. Toothy grin*

        Thanks for the hugs!

        I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink anything for 3-4 hours, which is just coming up, so a cup of tea sounds really appealing – although I was told to not have anything hot, and I usually drink my tea at near boiling point, so I’d best let it cool down!

        I’m sorry to hear you had two emergency dentist trips earlier this year – that does not sound fun at all.

        My body was definitely rebelling at the injections – I nearly jumped out of the chair!!!

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Note downthread reminded me that sucking per se is bad. (You don’t want to suction out the blood clots.)

          I tried herbal tea when I had bleeding after having my wisdom teeth out, and only later realized that wasn’t the type of tea that helps.

      2. Clisby*

        Second the popsicles. The only teeth I’ve had removed (besides wisdom teeth) were my 4 canine teeth prior to getting braces – I was 13? 14? I remember taking a lot of aspirin and popsicles/cold packs to help with the pain.

        1. Toothy grin*

          I’m not a huge fan of popsicles usually, but can see how they might help with the pain, thank you.

      3. PostExtractions*

        If you have someone who can get one for you at this point, I highly recommend getting wraparound velcro in place ice bags. I’ll try to find a link so you know what I mean.

        Popsicles will definitely be your friend. Stay away from anything hot, spicy, or very dairy. That said, small pudding may work. Jello is great. Applesauce. Maybe scrambled eggs in a day or two.

        Take whatever pain meds they gave you (hopefully they gave you pain meds). Don’t be surprised if it takes days or longer to recover – you basically had surgery.

        Hope this helps!

        1. Toothy grin*

          Thank you, I had thought to stay away from things that are hot or spicy, but hadn’t thought about avoiding ‘strong’ dairy, that’s a good point.

          I’m in the UK so I wasn’t given any pain meds, just told to take paracetamol or ibuprofen if needed, so I have been alternating taking those – the pain is not too bad at the moment.

          Thanks again for your reply.

    2. blueberry smoothie*

      Internet hugs! I had one tooth unexpectedly pulled. It’s a real shocker, in many ways. Take it easy for a couple of days, follow your dentist’s advice for not sucking. Lean in to treating yourself gently for a few days.

      1. Toothy grin*

        Currently tucked up in bed watching Judge Judy (my comfort watch!).

        Thank you for the internet hug, much appreciated.

    3. jm*

      What a shock! The best part is that it’s over and done with and you aren’t sitting a week or two in dread.

      1. Toothy grin*

        Yes, the dentist said I could go away and think about it then book to come back, but I thought ‘best to get it over with’.

        It’s a relief it’s done, for sure.

    4. Ghostly*

      I had all my wisdom teeth removed years ago. I did a lot of warm salt water rinses for a few days to help keep the wounds clean, and had a lot of soft foods that were easy to make or that came pre-packaged (tiny pastas in broth, soups, mashed potatoes, ice cream, pudding, applesauce, Jello).

      1. Toothy grin*

        Thank you, I sent my son out to buy me some tinned soup as all the soup we have in the house has big chunks of veg in!

        Definitely going to do salt water rinses, thank you.

    5. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Take painkillers before you need them! When I had my wisdom teeth out (six in one go), the oral surgeon told me to take ibuprofen before the novacain wore off, and also had me taking Naproxin on an offset schedule so that they didn’t both wear off at once. For lesser dental work, I take the next dose of ibuprofen an hour early.
      Important: clear this with your doctor first, NSAIDs can be super harmful if they’re overused and I always try to get back to the bottle instructions within a day unless it’s really serious.
      For more general self-care: I always want chicken soup after dental work, I make it using canned chicken so there’s not much chewing, it kinda shreds. Any soup is nice, the saltiness of lipton noodle soup is particularly soothing when I have gum pain. Other soothing foods were ice pops and my favorite herbal tea. Given the surprise of it, you might have an emotional reaction later in the day. Be kind to yourself about it, rest, maybe take a nap or watch a comfort show.
      Also, be aware that you might have unexpected sensitivities in the area around the pulled teeth. I’ve had temporary sensitivity to heat, cold, and sugar, and once, even the sensodyne toothpaste! I ended up brushing without toothpaste that day because it was better than nothing.
      Best of luck, and internet hugs! I’m sorry you had to go through this.

      1. Toothy grin*

        Thank you, I can’t imagine having 6 teeth out in one go, 2 was bad enough!

        Really good advice to take painkillers early – the anaesthesic is just wearing off so I think I’ll go and get some paracetamol.

        I’ve got some tomato soup ready for if I fancy eating later (or tomorrow), am definitely taking it easy today – planning to watch Strictly Come Dancing later.

        Thanks for the heads up about possible future sensitivity – that makes sense but I hadn’t considered it.

        Lots of great advice, thank you!

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Yes! With pain management it’s definitely an ounce of prevention over a pound of cure.

          If your pain worsens or doesn’t respond to regular painkillers, don’t just keep doubling down on your OTC meds–contact your dentist, and in a timely manner. The pain is trying to tell you something, and it is their job to help you.

          My dad was a doctor, and a frustrating part of his work was dealing with complications that the patient “hadn’t wanted to bother him” about. That was his job! He had to know what was going on in order to treat them properly.

          1. Toothy grin*

            Thank you for your very instructive comment – I’ve been reading up on dry socket, which sounds awful, so am definitely not going to just soldier on if the pain worsens – although soldiering on is my default setting, usually!

            Thanks again.

        1. allathian*

          When I had a rotten molar (failed root canal job) extracted last spring, I took ibuprofen and paracetamol by turns, but the doses prescribed were double the maximum recommended OTC dose for the first couple days.

        2. SuprisinglyADHD*

          They gave me a prescription for some heavy painkiller (oxy-something?? I was very out of it), but it made me loopy, gave me sleep paralysis, and left me suuuper disoriented so I never took it again. I had actually forgotten about it when I commented

          1. blueberry smoothie*

            Yeah, I had a hip replaced, and got off the opiods after 3 days because I hated the side effects *so* much.

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      What does the dentist say? Also, if you’re planning on implants to replace them, ask them about scheduling that appointment now–procedures like that can end up booked out months in advance.

      1. Toothy grin*

        He said I need to go back and see him in 3 weeks for a check up, and can have an implant in 3 months if the bone is good enough. Otherwise I could have the option of a bridge or plate.

        I’ll see how I feel once I’ve healed, as the missing tooth isn’t right at the front, so I might decide not to bother and just have a gap.

        1. dontbeadork*

          The only thing about not having a plate or bridge or implants is that your other teeth may shift. And if the teeth you lost were lower, the upper tooth may start moving downward because it isn’t contacting anything. It takes a while — I lost my molars around 30 years ago and just got implants this year, but the upper molar above the gap is definitely a few mm lower than the molar next to it.

          The gap in my upper jaw just has teeth at a funky angle shifting toward the front of my mouth. Not an issue except that it’s an area that’s hard to get properly clean. It’s too small to fit the toothbrush into to brush the exposed sides but too wide for dental floss to snag the plaque and food detritus efficiently.

          1. Rosyglasses*

            This ^^

            It’s really best to have an implant if you can afford it because the titanium screw acts like a natural tooth root and will help you keep your jawbone as long as you can. When there is no root there, the bone can start to resorb back into the body because it doesn’t think its needed. This can then lead to other teeth shift or losing root mass and needing more extractions.

            Bridge is likely next best to keep the spacing in the mouth and provide more activity around the gums and bone where the tooth was lost.

            But it can be expensive as all get-out; just be prepared (if you live in the states where there is a severe lack of dental benefit coverage).

            [not a dentist, but have worked in and adjacent to dentistry for many years]

    7. Shiny Penny*

      Sympathies!

      You mention tomato soup— but tomato soup might be pretty acidic and cause more pain? Something less acidic might be a safer choice for a couple days.

      I agree 100% about taking the OTC pain meds on a set schedule and not getting behind/not waiting until it hurts to take the next dose. They should have given you advice on maximum dosages **for you**— very important!

      Taking ibuprofen and acetaminophen on offset schedules for a few days is the standard dental surgery instruction around here (NW US), (ie every 6 hours but set up so you are taking one or the other every 3 hours) but I find the ibuprofen to be by far the most helpful of the two. If paracetamol is aka acetaminophen, I would personally be taking ibuprofen for sure.

      Gentle warm saltwater rinses after eating and/or several times a day—Helpful!

      Also big agree with being ready to support your body at dealing with the shock/insult of surgery. Cozy comfort is the way to go forward!

      Hope you feel better quickly :)

      2. PainAndInflammation*

        Phooey on your doctors. Not treating pain wins over fear of addiction again. Do they at least give actual pain meds to the people who don’t get any relief from anything with the very mild OTC options?

        Ibuprofen and acetaminophen are completely different drugs – acetaminophen is a straight (but extremely mild/often very ineffective) pain killer while ibuprofen is mainly an anti-inflammatory with very mild pain killing side effects. Ibuprofen works better because it’s actually working on the source of the pain while the acetaminophen is solely trying to mask it. But both meds are only meant to be the mildest of first treatments and followed up with stronger/more effective options if insufficient for the task.

        1. Shiny Penny*

          Hard bitter agree.
          As a teen being discharged from a long ICU stay with multiple broken bones and surgical repairs, I was YELLED AT by the discharging MD (as I cringed in my wheelchair) because I asked if I would have any pain medication at home. I was terrified, and he was an ass who should have not been permitted to interact with patients until he got therapy.

          Just a single example in a large disturbing collection.

          Pain control used to be considered an ethical duty!
          It’s not the patient’s problem that there are also addicts and enablers out there. But sure, let’s depend on minimally effective OTC products that also can significantly impact your organ function if taken wrong by a confused/desperate patient. That’s a plan.

    8. Anono-me*

      I also found the salt water rinses, laddering my otc pain medication, avoiding acid or spices, sticking to soft food to be very helpful.

      I found pureeing my food the first few days to be very helpful. Even soft foods like rice could get in the extraction area and then be difficult to get out. (Hand blender, regular blender, baby food puree or Ensure.)

      I have always found dental extractions to be more stressful than they should be, when just considering the pain and recovery process. Several of my friends have expressed a similar stress reaction. So please don’t be surprised if you do too.

      One friend said she gets a massage about a week after big dental procedures. (For stress tension and the pressure on the neck muscles.)I’m going to copy her, next time I have a difficult dental procedure.

      Lots of gentle hugs and positive energy being sent your way.

      1. LBD*

        Yes, I second the idea to avoid things like rice that come in small distinct bits! I ate a soft homemade oatmeal cookie while healing from wisdom teeth removal, got a grain of oatmeal stuck to the socket, and couldn’t get it out very well, all while putting up with the itch and irritation of that flake sitting there! It all healed up fine, but it was very annoying for several hours.

    9. Six Feldspar*

      Oof, that’s a tough surprise! I had three wisdom teeth taken out at once but at least I knew it was going to happen…

      I remember most being paranoid about food getting into the wounds so for a couple of weeks after I was having a lot of drinks or very carefully eating squishy foods like yogurt, mashed potatoes, etc. Hope yours heal up quickly!

    10. Sunshine Cat*

      Depending on which tooth was removed, you may have a big gap in your gum line. Gargling with salt water usually helps. But if you still get food stuck in there, a baby syringe (the type for dispensing liquid medicine) is helpful for a gentle flushing out.

  29. My Brain is Exploding*

    Follow up on the candy question earlier: M & Ms. What flavors have you tried, what is your favorite, and what do you not like?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Peanut butter and plain are my favorites. Mint is alright in small doses. Brownie is good. My husband likes the toffee and caramel coffee ones; I don’t like either of those things by itself so I haven’t tried them.

      I’ve only seen them once I think last summer, but the key lime ones were surprisingly good, I did not expect to like them as much as I did.

    2. WellRed*

      I like the original best but the caramel ones are pretty good. I hadn’t heard of the mint, so will probably try (and like) those next!

    4. My Brain is Exploding*

      A few years ago I bought Dark Chocolate Creepy Cocoa Crisp – they were excellent! My faves are pretzel or crispy rice. Spouse loves peanut; 1 of the kids loves mint and the other loves peanut butter (which is ok, but not my fave). I’ve tried a number of different types over the years and should keep a list. Generally don’t like any that are white chocolate based (such as white chocolate strawberry shake); the popcorn ones were a good idea, but poorly executed; sugar cookie – no; english toffee, which should have been excellent, was not – had a weird coffee aftertaste; no to the s’mores as well. According to the internet, there have been over 55 varieties of M&Ms, and I haven’t ever seen many of them (carrot cake? pecan pie?)

    5. Annie Edison*

      I’m obsessed with the caramel coffee ones. I had no idea mint ones existed and now I want to try those too! I used to love the pretzel ones but can no longer eat gluten, so sadly those are out for me

    6. fhqwhgads*

      Peanut butter is my favorite.
      I did not like the caramel, mint, almond, dark chocolate or pretzel m&ms, although I do like caramel, mint, almonds, dark chocolate and pretzels in general. I did not like the coffee m&ms, but I don’t like coffee at all.
      The MEGA m&ms are weird. The proportions don’t work for me. Normal sized is better.
      Milk chocolate minis are good. Peanut butter minis didn’t really work.
      I forget is they still make the ones with a rice krispy center, but those were good.

    7. Alex*

      M&MS are my favorite candy! But I really only like plain or peanut. I can’t stand the peanut butter ones. They are not crunchy enough and the mix of peanut and chocolate is all wrong. I used to like the crispy ones too but I don’t think they make those anymore.

    9. Ginger Cat Lady*

      No not like mint, gross. I don’t like the minis because the chocolate/coating ratio is off. Not enough chocolate and I swear I can taste the food dye in the coating.
      Almond and the caramel coffee ones are my favorite.
      Plain are good too, but I like them frozen. Not the other flavors, just the plain ones. So nice and crunchy!

    10. Can't Sit Still*

      Peanut butter is my favorite, especially when mixed into hot popcorn. Everything melts inside the candy shell and yum!

      I’ve tried the mint, coffee caramel, and coconut. They were all acceptable, but not something I want to repeat. I haven’t tried any of the other flavors. I used to love peanut M&Ms the best, but I’m not sure if they’ve changed or I’ve changed, but the peanuts seem to be stale or just about rancid now.

    12. goddessoftransitory*

      Plain or GTFO. I don’t much like peanuts, and the proportions are wrong to me with things like the caramel ones. I also don’t like the thin, runny caramel they use–prefer a thick, almost chewy version, like the kind in Ben and Jerry’s Caramel Sutra.

    13. Bike Walk Barb*

      Before we found out my husband is diabetic, our Christmas tradition was to get big bags of different flavors and line them up in bowls. (After one year in which we mixed them all together and realized we’d rather know what we were biting into.)

      Big winners: Dark chocolate, almond, peanut butter, and peanut. Middle of the pack: coconut. In M&Ms there’s no bottom of the pack; any M&M is better than no M&Ms.

      One of my fond memories of a trip to NYC with one of my daughters was going to the M&M store and creating a bag of mixed flavors. I wish I could remember more about what we tasted, as that was a long time ago.

    14. Courageous cat*

      Peanut butter is the best, and crispy m&ms were good back in the day, but the OG m&ms are actually pretty damn good on their own sometimes

    15. dontbeadork*

      A billion years ago they did an orange flavor at Christmas. One year only, never again.

      I miss those Ms.

    16. The Dude Abides*

      Peanut all the way.

      I like to eat them in an odd way – I’ll bite down enough to get the chocolate off the peanut, then eat the peanut plain.

      PB is ok. When procuring snacks for other referees for an all-day event, one person in particular explicitly asks for them.

  30. SuprisinglyADHD*

    Has anyone repaired sequined clothing before? I have a dress that’s getting slightly worn at the sleeve ends, some of the rows of sequins are detaching at the ends. It looks like they’re sewed with clear plastic thread like fishing line, and while I haven’t yet lost sequins I need to figure out how to hold the ends of those threads down in a way that’s not noticeable. Anyone have suggestions or know of a good tutorial?

    1. HannahS*

      Sequins are generally attached by a continuous piece of thread, so one loose end can quickly result in a large flaw in the fabric.

      I’d suggest buying clear sewing thread and hand sewing the row down, starting at least 5-10 sequins back from where you see the thread becoming loose, then knot it on the wrong side. You can try to “catch” the loose end of the thread in your stitches.

    2. fposte*

      I don’t know if it’ll be at allhelpful, but there’s an amazing YouTube video of a costume expert at the Victoria and Albert Museum sewing sequins back on a 1960s Eurovision dress.

    3. Le le lemon*

      Sequins are attached with a chain stitch (the stitch which HannahS refers to). It is a one-way stitch that easily unravels, and in sequined fabric, is only anchored down every 30″ or so.

      I personally would use thread that matches the colour of the base fabric, and the smallest needle you’re happy working with. I use small (3mm) stitches. If this is the thread and sequins:
      -o-o-o-o-o——,
      then I do this -o-o-o—-||| (and tie off),
      then
      -o-o-||o—-|||
      (the || under the sequins, if they’re big enough to allow it), for extra security.

  31. Ghostly*

    If you receive a gift or card from someone that you already received from someone else, do you tell them? If someone tells you that you got them the same gift or card as someone else, how do you respond?

    I’m wondering because twice now, my brother has told me I got the same holiday card for my nephew as another sibling, and my nephew was very confused at why I would buy the same card for him that sibling did. The text was accompanied by a photo of nephew holding the cards and looking upset. I’m hoping he was trying to be funny and I said, “guess me and sibling have similar taste in cards!” but I felt really bad about it. The last birthday card I sent my brother was one his neighbor gave him first. I guess I need to start sending cards much earlier to beat everyone else?

    I sent this brother a book I thought he’d love in celebration of a major milestone, and he was confused at why I bought it for him because his wife had already gotten him a copy for $1 at a library book sale. I told him he should donate it or give it away, but I felt really stupid for paying $26 for it and then another $6 to ship it.

    I’ve never had anyone else tell me I’d given them something that someone else gave them first, and I’ve never made a point to tell anyone they gave me something someone else had already given me either. Feels like it ruins the card/gift when my brother tells me, but also seems like it would be rude to ask him to stop telling me.

    1. Not your typical admin*

      Your brother is totally rude. Part of receiving a gift is being gracious, and letting the person giving know you appreciate the effort they put into the gift. If it’s something you already have, there’s no need to tell the person.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        This.

        If you were repeatedly sending him things you should logically know were duplicates, that would be odd. But there is no reason you should have known he had either of these things.

        Possible Hidden Messages (which he should stop hiding and bring up directly):

        Does he want to stop exchanging gifts, and thinks creating a “Huh. This” vibe will make you and other family members sigh with relief when he proposes you stop? Or even prod you to propose it yourself?

        For the kid, was this by any chance the same card because it went right at something about the kid (“Sam loves hamsters!”) and Sam actually hasn’t been into hamsters for a couple of years now, and he’s trying to move the family into Sam’s current interests?

        1. Ghostly*

          I started doing no-gifts holidays with adults a few years ago. One of the reasons was because I was sending my nephew a bunch of gifts and sending my brother and SIL gift cards for stores they liked (because I was exchanging gifts with my other sibling and their spouse and it seemed unfair to not give anything to my brother and SIL). They were grateful for the gift cards and told me what they bought with them, but they weren’t sending me anything and it felt a bit one-sided.

          The cards weren’t related to a specific thing my nephew liked. They were just really cool cards and me and sibling have similar styles/tastes. (We’re only a few years apart in age and get along really well and have some interests in common.)

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        The only way I could see mentioning this at all is if it was totally out of character and there had been other recent examples of confusion or memory slips. But otherwise how on earth were you supposed to know, LW, what his wife had bought him, or what card a neighbor bought?

        I guess I can see a little kid being upset at getting the same card as his sibling, but even then it’s not something to TAKE PICTURES OF and send to you! Why bring it up?

    2. WellRed*

      Your bro is being kind of weird in his framing of “why would you?” I mean, why would you know his wife already bought him the book or nephew got the same card?. That’s bizarre (or passive aggressive). It’s also rude. Also, maybe switch the brand of greeting cards you buy to avoid duplicates (I’m only half serious on that one).

        1. Ghostly*

          The “why would Ghostly get the same card as sibling” was what my nephew said (he was young at the time, like pre-school or kindergarten age). Brother was confused because he had shown another family member the book when they visited a few months ago. I guess he assumed the family member told me about it, but obviously they didn’t.

          I feel stupid that I spent $32 sending him a book he already got for a $1. The book was only published about 2 years ago, and he doesn’t have much free time so I didn’t think he’d have already known about it/read it. But I don’t talk to him much and wouldn’t really know what books he’s read, so I should have just texted him to tell him about it instead of going out of my way to buy and send a copy.

          I don’t feel like I’ve been rude, but I want to tell him to stop telling me when I send duplicate cards/gifts, which I realize that would be rude. (You’re supposed to give gifts to make the recipient happy. It would be rude to ask for a thank you if you didn’t get an acknowledgement for a gift, so presumably it would be rude to also say you don’t like their reaction to a gift, right?)

          2. Falling Diphthong*

            You’re supposed to give gifts to make the recipient happy. One option, if they indicate you are not succeeding, is to stop giving gifts.

            And I do think it is important to thank people for gifts, via whatever communication medium you normally use. I think where this goes astray is if you don’t normally speak directly to someone outside of family gatherings (e.g. You talk to your sister on the phone but not her kids) it becomes a Special Thing. But it is totally normal to not enjoy launching gifts off into the silent void, with no idea if the gift is great or okay or not at all wanted, and so stop.

          3. Saturday*

            He’s also being very self-centered (in addition to being rude, like a lot of other people have said). He showed the book to another family member, so he assumed you would know about it too? There’s no reason to assume everyone is talking about his books.

            A more typical and kind response to the book situation is to feel like, “Aw, Ghostly spent a lot of money on this book when I already have a copy we got for cheap. That’s too bad – but was nice of her to pick it out for me.” And then NOT mention he already had a copy (and certainly not one that cost $1). The correct response is “thank you!”.

            And his son being confused… well, that’s an easy thing to clear up. “Both people went to the store and thought you would like the very same card.” It could even be amusing, but it definitely doesn’t have to be confusing and certainly not upsetting. I mean, put yourself in someone else’s shoes for a minute.

          4. goddessoftransitory*

            Somebody’s being rude here but it’s not you, Ghostly. Unless I had shown you the book directly or we’d had a big discussion about it and I said my spouse found me a copy, yay! I would never assume you knew what books I had in my house at any given time.

      2. Ghostly*

        I honestly did consider asking my sibling to send me photos of the cards they get for nephew so I can make sure to avoid getting the same ones, but having to coordinate on greeting cards seems like a bit much?

        2. Arrietty*

          When my son got the same sticker book from two friends for his 3rd birthday, I sent both sets of parents a genuine thank you and did not tell them. Because what are they meant to do with that information? The kids weren’t friends from the same place so it wasn’t like they could compare notes.

          Your brother is being weirdly self-absorbed if he thinks you know every book he owns.

        3. Hyaline*

          Oh no too much. Eldest kiddo got three identical birthday cards from her aunts this year. No one cared; we thought it was funny if anything! It’s a birthday card, not a major life decision!

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      He’s being super weird and rude, you have no reason to know what anyone else has gotten, and I personally would stop getting him and his family gifts at all if he’s going to be obnoxious about it.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Mine was kind of the other way around — my final straw when I stopped getting my brother gifts was when he got me a group gift from his whole family that was a $3 plastic dinosaur-shaped pasta scoop (never mind that the gifts I had sent them were all individual gifts, carefully selected, with a total value of probably $200 and they had all raved about how much they loved them) that he knew I would like because he had seen it on my Facebook where I had posted about having bought it for myself. So he knew full well that I already had the thing, me already having it is literally WHY he thought to get it for me, and I STILL didn’t ask him why he got me the thing since I already had it. :P

        1. Ghostly*

          I started doing no-gift holidays with the adults in my life a few years ago. One of the (several) reasons was because I was sending nephew a bunch of gifts and sending brother and SIL generous gift cards to places they liked to shop, but they didn’t send me anything. (I exchanged carefully thought out gifts with my other sibling and their spouse, so felt like I couldn’t NOT give my brother and SIL anything.) I was like, we’re technically not exchanging gifts, so it’ll be really easy to say, “Just an FYI, I’m doing no-gifts holidays with all the adults now.”

          I looked up the dinosaur pasta scoop. You have excellent taste in kitchenware!

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            It’s super cute — unfortunately not actually very user friendly. :) so they both sit up on a shelf with some other decorative kitchenware, like the Nessie ladle and such.

            1. Ghostly*

              OMG, the Nessie ladle is so cute! I just saw a “Pasta Monster Server” ladle that you might already have too. I don’t have room for that kind of stuff in my kitchen, but I’m happy to know they exist. :)

            3. Dark Macadamia*

              I’ve had the Nessie ladle for probably a decade and don’t even remember where I got it (most likely a stocking stuffer from my MIL). Used it for the first time in a punch bowl last week!

    5. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Your brother is being rude and teaching your nephew to be rude as well. If two people send me the same card, I just assume there was a good sale somewhere. The point of a card isn’t “here’s a unique picture no one else has ever given you”. It’s about the message “I was thinking of you,” tied with whatever message was written inside (even just “love, [name]”).
      If someone sends a duplicate gift, it means THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU LIKE which is a huge compliment to the gift giver. (Also, if there is a local branch of that store, your brother can return that book for store credit and pick a different book he doesn’t have, I once did exactly that when I bought my boyfriend a duplicate and we had a nice afternoon wandering around the bookstore).
      Quite frankly, next year I would ask your brother for a complete inventory of each and every one of his possessions so he never again has to touch another version of the same item. Or just send a gift card and tell him to pick his own.

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        Adding to this, I have several years of birthday cards from my (now deceased) grandma that definitely all came from the same pack she bought 30 years before. I kept each of them because she handwrote birthday wishes on the inside. It doesn’t matter that the pictures are identical.

      2. Ghostly*

        I got the same birthday card from two people one year, and I wasn’t surprised because it was the obvious birthday card to get me if you knew me well. (I saw the card in a store myself, and was like, “That card would be perfect for me, but I can’t buy it for myself!” LOL!)

        Someone bought a distinctive Christmas card for my brother when I was a little kid, and the saying on it kind of became an inside joke. I got the same card for him (in addition to another card) when I saw it as an adult like two decades later, because I was delighted to see it again.

        I ordered the book from Target. Not sure if they’d give a credit for it. If he did that, I’d be fine with it. I’m not nice enough to suggest it though, lol.

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        Unless you’re buying some handmade card at an art store, it’s pretty well understood that cards are mass produced. It’s not some one in a million chance that Hallmark might appeal to you twice in a row!

    6. fhqwhgads*

      Your brother is not reacting normally here, about any of it. And he’s teaching his kid to react not normally too.
      If you and someone else got him the same card, an appropriate response is “well, they didn’t go shopping together, so how would they know?” But even that explanation is only applicable because we’re talking about a kid. Under normal circumstances “two separate people sent the same card” is a funny coincidence and not remotely something worth being upset about.
      Unless he’d very recently told you he had that book or read that book, it’s obnoxious to respond to your sending it to him that way. In other words, unless he knew you had reason to know it was a duplicate, he’s being an ass.
      I’ve somehow only been gifted a duplicate book once, by two close friends who are also close to each other. I did not tell them. I did keep both, even though it’s unnecessary, because it made me happy that they’d both had the same idea without realizing it.
      I have a relative who often gets duplicate books – from the same giver (like, two years in a row their birthday present was the same book). The first time it happened it was sort of a funny let’s all laugh situation. When it kept happening it turned into something a little more irked, but that had a lot to do with the personalities involved.

      1. Ghostly*

        I bought myself a book and then got the same book as a gift from a friend. I told them I’d seen the author’s TED Talk and knew I was going to love the book, which was the truth, and I wanted to make them feel good about it. I gave the book to someone else that didn’t know the friend so they wouldn’t find out.

        I assume he thinks the duplicate cards are funny, and it’s just not coming across as funny since it’s over text. But I’d really just rather not know.

      2. Ghostly*

        Off topic, but I just noticed your username and now the “Everybody to the Limit” song is stuck in my head. :)

    7. Alex*

      I literally remember my mom teaching me manners about this at my birthday party when I was FOUR so I’m not sure how your brother missed this aspect of basic etiquette. He is being super rude!

    8. Two cents*

      I agree, this is weird and rude! When my son was born, my extended family bought us loads and loads of english books because they are wonderful, they know we love books and we live abroad, so english books are harder to come by. Some of them were duplicates. We thanked everyone for their very very generous gifts (sometimes very late, oy) and didn’t say a thing about doubles. How on earth were they supposed to know what some other family member or friend they don’t even know also bought us?! And we happily either passed on the duplicates or kept them for when the first copy gave up the ghost. The thought was really the most precious part (although the books themselves are a close second, ha!)

      Seriously, how on earth are you supposed to know everything they already have, or what someone else already purchased them? If you had known, you wouldn’t have bought it, obviously. The right choice is to thank you for the wonderful gift, the thoughts that go with it and find a good home for the items.

    9. Clisby*

      Your brother is weird. I don’t think it would be rude to say, “Why are you telling me this?” He’s being rude by even bringing it up.

      1. WellRed*

        I love this response! “Why are you telling me this?” Because really, what does he hope to accomplish besides making Ghostly feel bad?

        1. Ghostly*

          I like to remember Hanlon’s rule of thumb that goes, “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.” I don’t think he’s trying to make me feel bad on purpose. But I won’t buy him gifts anymore since I’m not in contact with him enough to really know what he already has.

          1. Clisby*

            He might not be doing it on purpose. It’s still weird. Because, as others have commented, didn’t he learn when he was a little kid that you don’t *ever* complain about gifts?

            1. goddessoftransitory*

              Unless the gift is actively trying to kill you (“here’s a rattlesnake I caught!”) the only proper response is “thank you so much.”

    10. Sunshine*

      Almost a weird flex about all the cards and gifts he got. As an adult I frequently get zero gifts for my birthday…

    11. RagingADHD*

      Has your brother always believed that everyone else is psychic and/or conspiring against him?

      Did he literally not understand how to explain to his son what a coincidence is?

      I ask because the answer determines whether he is a self-centered jerk or has a serious mental illness.

      If he’s a jerk, call him out and don’t play his stupid manipulative games. If he is actually delusional that everyone is intentionally doing this, talk to your sister in law about seeing if she can get him to a doctor.

    12. Decidedly Me*

      Your brother is being a jerk. You have no way of knowing what cards someone has already received and you don’t have all their possessions catalogued. You’re doing something nice and thoughtful and he’s turning around and being childish about it, as well as teaching his son that behavior!

      My partner and I got our nephew a nice book set one holiday season and MIL looked at me (just me…..) all upset since that’s the book series she likes to get him books from. How were we supposed to know?

      I’m always surprised partner and I don’t get each other the same cards, as he likes to give and receive a certain style of card. If/when it ever happens, I’m going to laugh myself silly.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Husband and I have exchanged identical cards on a couple of occasions: it’s a sign we’re meant to be together, as far as we’re concerned!

    13. Maggie*

      He’s being egregiously rude. If you get two of the same card or thing, you should thank both parties, and then be grateful you have two people who thought of you. Then, if you have a duplicate item, you can find a way to donate or give it to someone who will enjoy it (such as the book). You’re suppose to psychically know that his neighbor was going to give him the same card??

    14. Benihana scene stealer*

      Are you sure they’re not joking with you? The photo with the kid holding two cards looking sad is too comical to be real

      1. :)*

        This was my first instinct too: are they trying to joke with you? Sort of a “if I had a nickel for every time that this happened then I’d have two, which is not a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice” kind of thing? Obviously it isn’t landing and it does seem a bit rude/precious to me, but maybe they’re trying to poke some lighthearted fun? For the nephew confused about the duplicate cards, he probably just didn’t realize all adults aren’t a hive mind, so thought it was a little thing you did on purpose, then maybe your brother thought he’d send you the funny photo about it.

        Or in a good-faith reading, maybe your brother genuinely thinks that you somehow knew that he had already gotten those gifts and really is confused about the duplicates—you mentioned he seemed to think you’d had a conversation with someone else, and while it’d be obvious most that you didn’t, perhaps he genuinely did want the clarification that it was an accident.

        Either way, you don’t need to feel bad about these things at all! Gifts are GIFTS!! Duplicates happen, and should be treated with grace. I totally get the regrets about the $1 rummage sale book vs. what you spent on it, but you really couldn’t have known. It doesn’t make you stupid at all. You are clearly a thoughtful gift giver, which I think is lovely! However, if this is really stressing you out, maybe time to take a break from the thoughtful gifts and do a gift card or something more generic instead. If the prospect of duplicate cards stressing you out, most kids will enjoy a homemade card (nothing fancy, but maybe you try some fun typography or draw something) with some heartfelt words from a grownup.

        1. Ghostly*

          I was hoping the thing with nephew was him trying to be funny, that’s why I responded with, “Guess me and sibling have similar taste in cards!” instead of asking if nephew was really upset and needed reassurance that I don’t get the same cards on purpose. He looked genuinely confused/sad in the photos, so I felt bad. Being told “someone else already got this for me” just doesn’t feel good in general. I’d rather not know since it’s not something I can do anything about after the fact (I’m not going to take back/replace a gift or card from someone who lives several states away, you know?).

          Yeah, I’m kind of afraid of buying nephew gifts he already owns now, so I might just ask if there’s a way to contribute to a college fund or savings account in lieu of gifts. And I’ll just assume that if I see something that my brother would really like that he already has it. (Much cheaper to text photos of relevant stuff to him so he can buy it himself than to risk buying a double!)

          1. :)*

            I think those are great solutions to your conundrum—lower effort but still thoughtful, much less taxing for you!

    15. Dark Macadamia*

      This is so weird. He’s acting like you somehow know everything his family has ever received and you’re intentionally duplicating stuff to upset them? Who thinks that way?? It’s completely baffling to teach a child to be sad and confused rather than say “haha everyone knows how much you love Spiderman, how great that your family was thinking of you!” (or, if it’s a situation where the kid no longer likes Paw Patrol or whatever, “Oh, they’re just remembering how much you used to love that, next time we visit you should let them know you’re into Minecraft now”)

      I think to some extent it depends on what it is and who it’s from, but generally you should THANK THEM for the gesture, ACKNOWLEDGE that it’s obviously something people think you’ll enjoy, and then either quietly deal with it (donate, exchange, etc) or tell them and let them choose a different gift.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        “And let them choose a different gift.” No, no, no! Don’t!
        You’re saying, “What you gave me is unacceptable. Get me something else.”
        You just DO NOT solicit another gift that way.

    16. Random Bystander*

      If I got the same card from more than one person, I would never mention it to them. That just seems really rude. Same gift, I wouldn’t mention it, but I’d try to exchange if it wasn’t something that I could use more than one of, but I would never tell a giver of the item that I had exchanged the item.

      If an adult person told me that I’d given a duplicate gift, I’d either be dropping giving a gift at all to that person or if it was someone too closely related to go to “no gifts” they would be receiving a gift card from then on out. I’m a little more torn about what to do in the case of a child … probably relate that their child probably should not to be so hurtful to someone who had intended to do something nice for the child.

    17. Samwise*

      Your brother is completely bonkers and you should NOT feel bad about anything at all. Why didn’t your brother just say to his son, “Yes, son, sometimes that happens. Isn’t it funny?!”

      Just completely forget this incident and don’t worry about it.

      Or, next time you want to send a card to your nephew, take a piece of paper, fold it in half, draw a happy face and a heart on the front, inside write “I love you, [nephew name]! But only if you want to

    18. Snacattack*

      A few years back I gave my nephew a copy of one of Randall Munroe’s books for Christmas. Turned out my sister gave one to him too. And then we discovered that my aunt had done the same thing. We have a Great picture of my nephew standing there in front of the Christmas tree, grinning broadly and holding up all three books. I think that’s what we should all be aiming for!

    19. LBD*

      I really don’t understand the problem with duplicate greeting cards. Even if the thought is, “Oh no, what will I do with a second greeting card in this design!”, the answer is still going to be the same as if all the greeting cards you recieved were unique: stick them up on the mantle to display them for a week or so, then pack them up in a box, or recycle them, or donate them to a kids program for craftsm, or…
      Somebody is overthinking this whole thing, and it isn’t op.

    20. Future*

      Echoing what someone else suggested above, that it’s such an odd thing to get upset about that I have to wonder if it’s a joke. Two questions:

      1. Is your brother normally unkind to you and/or does he normally try to tell you what to do?

      2. Are you quite a literal person who sometimes doesn’t get sarcasm or jokes?

      In any case, you did nothing wrong and you should not feel bad!

    21. Hyaline*

      I might share the same card thing as a funny story, but that doesn’t seem to be what your brother did! And unless the gift giver expresses they want to know about duplicates or other snafus because they kept a receipt, no, sharing “we already have that book” is rude. That said, I might start getting gift receipts and sending them with so at least it doesn’t feel like water effort and money. “We already had that action figure!” “Ok there’s a target gift receipt taped to the back, return it and let junior pick out something else from me.”

    22. Chauncy Gardener*

      Your brother is rude and also apparently likes picking fights. Why on earth isn’t he finding this all funny?

  32. civic engagement is cool*

    For fellow people in the US, did you get a sticker when you voted? I’ve loved seeing pictures of various “I voted!” stickers from friends and family across the country, so my question is: if you were in charge of designing the sticker, what would your ideal version be?

    1. Jackalope*

      I loved the Michigan idea of having a contest and picking a handful of winners that can all be available (the “I voted yay!” with the backwards e was my favorite). I’d also love a handful of different stickers with scenes from my home state (drawn like the MI stickers, by different people from around the state, not necessarily professional artists).

    2. Let’s all Vote and Get Along*

      I got a sticker in my vote by mail envelope. I’m not sure when to wear it because I already voted. It’s a boring sticker but in years past there were cute stickers designed by children in a contest. I like a child-designed civic engagement sticker. Those are way better than the flags. I’d design a super colorful one with a non decisive “let’s all vote and get along,” message.

      2. The Prettiest Curse*

        My husband voted as an overseas voter for the first time (we live in the UK) and isn’t sure what to do with his “I voted” sticker since he sent his ballot in several weeks ago. Maybe he’ll wear it on Tuesday or maybe he’ll stick it up somewhere in the house.

        We don’t get similar stickers for voting in UK elections, so I’ve always been interested in “I voted” stickers. Also, I’ve never actually seen a US ballot paper till this year and WOW the writing is so small! The writing on UK ballots is way bigger because we don’t count by machine, only by hand. It must be difficult for anyone with bad eyesight.

        1. civic engagement is cool*

          I’m not sure how it is in every state, but in my county in-person voters have the option to use a touch screen machine that can enlarge the text to as big as they need. And our polling place equipment includes a magnifier for paper ballots, but I guess if you’re doing a mail-in ballot at home you’ve got to bring your own magnifying glass.

    3. Double A*

      Yes they send us a sticker with our ballots! (We vote by mail). I’m in Cali and it’s just your very standard “I voted” sticker. I am not designy so I will leave the second question to others, except in an ideal world I would have a date of the election on the sticker. We write the date on and have a running collection on the fridge.

          1. Double A*

            I won’t always comment to correct autocorrect errors when they make me look like an idiot, but I will when they make me look like a poser.

      2. RedinSC*

        Also in CA, and my I voted sticker is one I’d never seen. Blue sky, a sun, a pond with yellow fish in it, a triangle with green something on it? (Worms maybe?) and a funny little tree.

        It’s a kid drawing of something, I don’t know if it’s specific to my county or what, actually/. It’s oddly charming.

    4. WellRed*

      I read an article about this last night. So cool. I wish my state would do this, gotten the same generic sticker year after year after year.

    5. CTT*

      I’m in Tennessee and we have a Tennessee-shaped sticker with “I Voted”; a long rectangular state is hell to drive across but makes for a good sticker!

    7. Elizabeth West*

      I got the generic oval “I voted” sticker with a flag on it — but I was allowed to take more than one, haha. I stuck one on my computer and the other on the little window in my front door. I’d love to see something state-related, perhaps designed by kids. That would be fun.

      But mostly, I’m glad I was able to vote early on a weekend. They make it really easy here. \0/

    8. Ghostly*

      I’ve seen these stickers on the internet, but have never been given a sticker after voting before. Are you supposed to ask for them? I didn’t realize it was a popular thing.

      1. SSC*

        I think they’re standard! I’m working on Tuesday here in SC, and in our training manual, “direct voters to the scanning machine and give them their “I voted” sticker is a written-down step/assignment in the book!

      2. Shiara*

        Ours are often out on a table you pass by on your way out the door. Easy to miss if you’re not looking for them.

    9. Dark Macadamia*

      We just started getting stickers but they’re fairly blah – skyline and nature in red white and blue. Still better than the “go online and download a digital sticker” we used to have, which was so boring considering it could’ve been customizable or animated or something! It’s a little weird when you vote by mail because you either wear it whenever you happen to complete your ballot, or have to save it til election day.

      I like the kid-designed ones but I think what I really need is an unenthused one. Like “I voted but I complained the whole time” or “I begrudgingly chose the lesser of two evils” type of sentiment – not a comment on any particular candidate or party but just a feeling that many people express around election time.

      I’d also enjoy reprints of vintage buttons/propaganda like suffragette comics, that would be fun!

    10. Nitpicker*

      I wanted one but my polling place had run out. They were expecting more but it’s a bit of a walk so I didn’t bother.

    11. Clisby*

      I did, but I’ve discarded it now, so I can’t describe it. It wasn’t the generic SC “I VOTED” sticker, but I honestly can’t remember what was on it.

    12. goddessoftransitory*

      Yep! Put them on both sides of my tabletop fan so I can proclaim my civic duty to my bedroom!

      Hmmm…maybe a big eyed cat saying “I Can Haz Voted? I Can!”

    13. The OG Sleepless*

      In GA we got a peach with a circle of “I voted” in English, Spanish, Mandarin, and Korean. I think it’s neat.

      2. epicdemiologist*

        We have local ones with a cartoon of City Hall that say “I voted early in [city name]!” I like them.

    14. Bike Walk Barb*

      I’m a 100% vote by mail state (Washington) and I love that an “I Voted” sticker is included in the ballot packet. I put it in my journal on the page for that day.

      We have a variety of things the state is known for and it could be fun to have regionalized stickers, like one in the shape of an apple for the apple-growing area, salmon for the coast, maybe with local competitions to vote for each year’s image. I suppose in reality that means printing the image on a round sticker to save on the cost of the die-cut business changing each year.

      I might do one with the Rosie the Riveter curled-bicep image inside an outline of the state.

    15. GoryDetails*

      New Hampshire has a trio of very cute kid-designed stickers. (In the past they had the stock red-white-and-blue “I voted” ones, probably cheaper to make but not nearly as adorable.)

    16. Nightengale*

      my polling place offers but I usually decline because it’s usually around 6 PM, 2 hours before polls close and I’m going straight home.

  33. Black Friday*

    Anyone else planning/researching for Black Friday? I know it’s not as good as it once was, but it still does seem useful to time already-planned purchases. My phone is on its last legs, so I’m looking at a few different Androids.

    1. Ghostly*

      There’s a specific brand of shoes/boots I like that usually run 20% off sales around the holidays, and I’m in need of both new shoes and boots. The stores that sell the bras and socks I like also often have holiday sales, so I’m hoping for a sale on them too. (Currently starting to need to replace the bras and socks I already own with the stuff I bought on sale last year. It’s nice to be able to replace them immediately. Seems like they quickly escalate from comfortable to bands being too loose and heels getting huge holes.)

    2. Can't Sit Still*

      I typically buy wool socks and clothing during Black Friday, if it’s a good sale. Cashmere, too. This year, there are some nice sheets I have my eye on, too.

    3. Firebird*

      I got my phone 2 years ago on Black Friday. This year I’m looking at robot vacuum/mop prices. I don’t know how great the discounts will be.
      I need to get shoes, too. So I’m waiting for the sales.

    5. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      My Surface Pro (8 yrs old) is acting up, so maybe a new laptop.
      I think the latest SW update included some AI features that the ‘old’ hardware can’t handle. I hate this.

      P.S. I like my Motorola and its not too expensive.

  34. Prawo Jazdy*

    Anyone have any podcast pet peeves to share? I always pay for ad-free podcasts so I don’t have complaints in that department anymore, instead I have more minor things:

    1. Silly faux-legal disclaimers that take themselves way too seriously (“warning, this show does not constitute legal advice” … “warning, if you feel overwhelmed, stop listening and contact a mental health professional” … “full disclosure: my sister is our guest’s brother’s accountant”…)

    2. When the podcast hosts get too invested in listener comments & related social media drama (and sometimes end up canceling the entire show in disgust over it!) This stuff is irrelevant to 99.99999% of listeners, who would be better served if they just stayed off social media and use that time to work on the podcast instead.

    1. Peanut Hamper*

      Oh gosh, yes! I’ve pretty much given up on listening to podcasts as a result.

      1) Ads. Lots and lots of ads. Ads at the beginning, ads in the middle, ads at the end. (Why on earth do we have to monetize everything? Doesn’t anybody do anything just for the joy of doing it any more?)

      2) The host spending excessive amounts of time at the beginning just talking about whatever it is they are going to talk about it. This isn’t a high school essay; stop telling me what you’re going to talk about, just…talk about it.

      1. Roland*

        A lot of people do things, including make podcasts, just for the joy of it. But if you’re only listening to high-budget high-quality podcasts, well, you’ll hear ads. There’s only so many hours a week you can put into a hobby that doesn’t pay the bills and quality takes time and equipment. If you don’t want to hear ads, podcasts that aren’t at the top of the lists are your best bet.

    2. My Brain is Exploding*

      When the two cohosts start yapping with each other and get way off topic, so that a 30-minute podcast on X is about 10 minutes of X.

      1. Prawo Jazdy*

        Agreed completely, and this is why I almost exclusively listen to single-host podcasts!

        I cannot stand the “hey cuz, so how was your weekend?” type banter, and to make things worse they seem to have lots of listeners who actually enjoy that stuff and see it as a feature, not a bug.

        Having said that, there are a few multi-host podcasts out there that manage to keep things under control.

      2. Elle Woods*

        This is exactly why I stopped listening to an otherwise great podcast about fitness. The hosts often spent so much time catching up with one another that it totally took away from that episode’s topic.

      3. ampersand*

        Yes! I started listening to “This Is Why We Drink” recently and really enjoy it, but wow there’s so much lead in to the actual story they’re telling. It seems like many? most? podcast are like this, so I just have to wonder if I’m not the target audience. I wanted to listen to it sped up because I don’t have the patience for small talk and random conversations. I fully realize this is a me issue. :)

    3. Ginger Cat Lady*

      When they weren’t able to sell ads so they put in 90 seconds of music where the ad would be. WHHHHY?

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        I get this sometimes when listening to US podcasts – since I’m in the UK, sometimes I’ll get British ads (which can be a slightly jarring transition), sometimes music, sometimes silence and sometimes the American ads. I suppose it depends on how much time/budget they have gor editing and whether they have enough UK listeners to sell the ad space.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve been listening to a lot of political stuff lately, which generally means rants. I’m fine with rants; go for it. If I’m listening to you, I probably agree with 99% of what you’re saying anyway.
      But I haaaaaate when they get so passionate that they’re practically yelling. You can tell me without screaming, PLEASE.

    5. Busy Middle Manager*

      I hate the “this is not financial advice” disclaimers on tiny stock market analysis channels. Like I am going to go sue someone because they said there is bearish movement on Apple stock but then Apple went up the next month. It feels a tad narcissistic on the part of the host. Your channel isn’t that important.

      Content wise, I’m having a hard time listening/watching so many because of filler words and phrases to drag out the segment. At least on youtube you can listen at 1.5X the speed.
      Too much time “setting the stage” which is only needed if a person is a completer novice, or is going to be listening in 2070 and needs context.

      I also hate how so many channels/podcasts waste so much time trying to be “fair” and “balanced.” Often times, something is just dumb, wrong, bad. No reason to spend ten minutes doing a whole “well, maybe they meant this” or “maybe the data point is not as bad as it looked.”

      Sometimes being balanced will appear as being one-sided, but you have to roll with it. I follow a lot of economic channels and they always try to put a positive spin on jobs reports. That is not balanced. If you read recent ones beyond the headlines, most recent ones actually look bad. But many hosts think that saying “bad report” = unbalanced = bad show, which is just not true.

      But I am so grateful for the youtube sphere and growing # of channels outside legacy media. When I go to my parents and they have ABC/mainstream news on. My Lord, is it slow paced and boring. It’s always like they are trying to drag it out to fill time.

      1. Future*

        You can listen to podcasts at 1.5 times the speed on a lot of podcast players too. I’ve usually got mine at 1.25.

    6. Bike Walk Barb*

      Verbal tics the hosts don’t seem to be aware of, in particular repetition of “like” or “um” filler-type words. This was so bad in one I listened to regularly that I wanted to print out a transcript, go through with highlighter, and send them the highlighted text so they could recognize how often they did it.

      I don’t expect them all to be as fluent as professionally trained radio hosts, but doesn’t it bug them when they listen to a playback?

      1. Texan In Exile*

        I made podcasts at my former job. At first, I edited out the verbal tics of the people I interviewed, but then I realized that they didn’t sound like themselves!

        I was relieved to be able to not have to do all that editing work after all.

    7. Middle Name Jane*

      Excessive banter is my top pet peeve. I mostly listen to solo podcasts because of this. Every now and then, I’ll try a show with 2 hosts, but it’s rare that I’ll stick with it.

      Poor audio. I try to be empathetic if it’s an early episode–figuring that they’re new to this, etc.–but if you keep releasing episodes with crappy audio quality, I’ll stop listening.

    8. Future*

      I listen to one history podcast that is (well)researched and scripted and has a small staff and yet the host frequently mispronounces the names of European cities and regions (probably other cities and regions too, but I’m less familiar with those). And not in a “there are sounds in German that don’t exist in English” sort of way – that would be fine. It’s not even a “this person frequently mispronounces words” sort of way – she’s very well-spoken normally. In this case it’s pretty clear nobody bothered to check what the correct pronunciation of the place name is and the host is just eye-balling it, which would not be a problem in a more free-style sort of pod, but is so jarring in a researched, scripted monologue-style show.

      Another thing I find irritating is in US shows where they might be discussing something sensitive, like suicide or sexual assault, and then only give out the American hotline phone number or website for listeners to go to for help. Of course they can’t be expected to give a list of info for every country, but shows with a modicum of respect for their international audience usually give search terms that international listeners can use to find help close to them. It just feels like another psychological barrier to people who might already be struggling to reach out, especially people from smaller countries who are used to the US having things that their country doesn’t.

      1. Isabel Archer*

        Gentle suggestion that you’re asking too much of this form of media. The trigger warning for sensitive topics is really all the “modicum of respect” required, and even that is a courtesy, not an actual obligation of any given podcast.

        1. Future*

          Sorry? I think you misread what I wrote. I said nothing about trigger warnings. This is a US defaultism issue.

          It’s the giving out information for US-only crisis hotlines or websites, as if the rest of the world doesn’t exist, that rubs me the wrong way. Especially when there are easy options that acknowledge the international audience that most podcasts have.

          1. fhqwhgads*

            I don’t think it’s odd the US-based media assumes they have a US-based audience. The rest of the world exists, but you can’t expect people in one country to advise on stuff in all others. Also I think you’ve overestimating the proportion of the audience that is international. Even if most podcasts do have listeners in multiple countries, the vast majority are in the same one that produced it.
            Like, I watch Taskmaster, and Taskmaster Australia and Taskmaster New Zealand – and I’m sure plenty of Americans do too, but I don’t expect those shows to do anything but behave as though the audience is in the country they’re in, even if they know they have an international following. I know that’s not the best analog to what you’re talking about, but I think it’d be more weird to try to address multiple countries you may know nothing about.

            1. Future*

              One, I think you’re underestimating the proportion of international listenership to the average English language podcast, and two, it is not so weird, because most podcasts these days do attempt to advise an international audience – they usually give search terms, or sometimes there’s an international agency that can redirect to help that is local. Believe me, I notice these things.

              Podcasts are a much more international medium than television given the distribution model. Most podcasts are immediately available internationally the moment they are released, whereas television is usually made for domestic audiences and only accessible internationally if there’s a distributor (or if one knows how to pirate).

    9. ecnaseener*

      Jingles that are way louder than the rest of the podcast. I like to fall asleep listening to podcasts (not because they’re boring enough to put me to sleep — quite the opposite — they keep my mind from wandering until I’m tired enough to fall asleep) and there are several that I would listen to a lot more if they didn’t startle me with blaring loud jingles at the transitions!

    10. BellaStella*

      I sometimes listen to BBC podcasts and at the end sometimes they advertise shows about murders etc. I wake up at this point in the ads and change to the Nothing Much Happens podcast! Which I love.

    11. Golden*

      I listen to a lot of true crime podcasts, and so many of them should really just re-enact an interview, phone call, court room statement, etc. instead of just playing the original when the audio is crappy.

      I also find that a lot of them will say “6 months ago” instead of the actual date something happened, so it’s hard to follow the timeline when you don’t listen soon after the air date.

      1. Middle Name Jane*

        This! In most cases, hearing the 911 audio, police interview, etc. in a podcast episode doesn’t add much value to me because the quality often isn’t great. And a lot of hosts keep it playing too long. I don’t want to hear 10 minutes of a police interview or whatever.

        The first thing I listen for in a true crime podcast is the date of the events because that orients me and tells me a lot about the crime–does it pre date smartphones and GPS tracking, DNA evidence, etc.

    12. Cookie Monster*

      When the hosts don’t understand that if they’re going to laugh loudly, or get excited and talk louder, they have to move away from the mic. Conversely, if they’re going to talk quietly, they have to get closer. I hate turning the volume up to hear them, only to have them burst out laughing or almost start yelling and it’s way too loud.

      Case in point: “That Aged Well,” a hilarious podcasts where the two hosts look back at older movies to see if theyve aged well. But I’m constantly adjusting the volume as I listen.

  35. OmNom*

    Curly-haired people, speak to me. I have and have always had stick-straight hair that was basically wash, brush, done. My now four-year-old daughter has gorgeous long curly hair. Very very curly hair. I don’t know what I don’t know, but I’m clearly doing something wrong. How do you contain the frizz (do you)? Why does it seem that every time I finish brushing her hair we are both COVERED in hairs? What do you do with all those dead ends and why do they seem to happen so fast?

    1. allathian*

      I have wavy hair, but the basic thing for me is that I never, ever brush it when it’s dry, that’s guaranteed frizz.

      1. Double A*

        Correct, only brush it when it’s wet. Or if you do brush it when dry, only do it before a hair-wash. Also get curl-specific shampoo; just start with Cantu or Shea Moisture kid’s lines. A leave-in conditioner will help with the frizz.

        Sleeping in braids might help with the split ends. Also a satin pillow or bonnet helps a ton with frizz and damage. Probably for a kid I’d start with the pillowcase.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have Merida hair and am the first person in my family on either side in like four generations to not have fine stick-straight hair. Just, for the love of god, don’t do what my mom did and cut it off at the nape of my neck when I was 7 and not allow me to grow it out again until I was old enough to take care of it myself. (I went through junior high and high school being mocked as Ronald McDonald, I was eighteen by the time I finally managed to get through the gravity-defying-afro phase with enough bandanas and bobby pins to grow it out, and at this point my last actual haircut was May 1999; nobody but me comes NEAR my hair with scissors because I have Baggage. My husband knew for sure I trusted him when I asked him to use a trimmer to tidy up the frizz fringe at the hairline on the back of my neck. And my mother swears this never happened.)

      As other folks have said, don’t brush it dry unless you’re immediately about to wet it down again. Braids can help in the short term, but the bigger they are, the faster they get frizzy. The answer to “why are we both covered in hair” is two-fold, actually — one, as I recall, curly hair is usually denser than straight hair, in terms of hair follicles per square inch, so she just has more hair than a lot of folks do, which means she’ll lose a lot more of it too, and then two, the texture of curly hair means it sticks to itself, so when YOU lose hair as part of normal life, it slides out past the rest of your hair, but hers will get caught up with the rest until something tugs it out.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I forgot to say, I started sleeping in a silky hair bonnet earlier this year – I fell for some of the Facebook ads for Velanico and have actually been really impressed, it’s made a significant difference. I just sort of wrap my hair around my hand and balance it on top of my head when I put the bonnet over it, tie the ties, and then I have a sack of hair on my head. Sleeping in braids gives me nightmares about being drowned by octopuses, sleeping in buns gives me horrible head and neck pain, and sleeping with my hair fully loose resulted in hair in PLACES. (All of the places. Both my places and my husband’s places, when he and I still slept in the same bedroom. Three foot long hairs in places. Not fun.)

      2. Sloanicota*

        +1 on the reason the hair all falls out when you’re brushing. Because my hair is curly, the strands that fall out over the course of the day don’t “shed” the way straight hair does – the curls (ok maybe ‘tangles’) hold the shed hairs in place until brushing/washing pulls them all out at once. I don’t believe I shed more than anyone else in total, it’s just that it happens all at once. Which is kind of nice as long as you’re prepared or it!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          A couple times a year I go to a local Senegalese braiding salon and get a headful of micro braids for a while, because it’s nice to have a low-maintenance protective hairstyle while I’m on vacation or whatnot, but oh my lord brushing out a few weeks’ worth of shed hairs at the end when I take the braids out is … a whole thing.

      4. Just a name*

        My mom did that, but she also added bangs (!) that she trimmed using tape to make a straight line. Note, it wasn’t straight once the curls dried. I got to take over in 5th grade at least, but totally can relate to the braids and bandannas phase.

        1. Just a name*

          Also, my own sister called me mop head. I still have my ringlets in a box. Mom kept them when she had them chopped off.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I stopped getting perp walked into the salon for haircuts when I was 14 or so, but it took me another four years (mostly because I couldn’t wear hats at school so I waited til after graduation) to get to the point where I was ready to struggle through the ordeal between short enough to be less awful and long enough to even remotely scrape into a ponytail.

      5. Former Employee*

        Same here, and my mother had even curlier hair. Didn’t matter. She took me to the chop shop when I was about 7 or 8 and it continued on until I could handle my own hair, which I believe happened in my early teens.

        She needs to find someone who knows how to cut curly hair so the child has a proper cut. Then just wash it, dry it just enough so it isn’t dripping wet, and let it air dry on its own or use a hair dryer on low setting with a diffuser.

    3. RagingADHD*

      A certain amount of the shedding is breakage. Curly hair tends to be drier and more brittle. She needs lots of conditioning, probably less frequent washing if possible, and gentle detangling while wet. This will help reduce frizz and breakage.

      She also needs regular trims to get rid of split ends. Just like with straight hair, once a split end starts, it’s going to keep weakening the hair until it breaks. Trimming them off lets her keep more healthy length.

    4. tangerineRose*

      I’m not an expert, but I do have curly hair. Using conditioner is good. Using a hair pick is better than brushing. Curly hair tends to be drier than straight hair.

    5. fhqwhgads*

      Never brush it dry. Always wet. Heck, brush it while kiddo is in the tub. Also, leave in conditioner is your friend. And curly-specific shampoo.

    6. KW10*

      Curly hair is dry so it doesn’t need to be shampooed every time she takes a bath or shower, and also doesn’t need to be brushed / combed all the time! My parents didn’t know this so I grew up washing and combing my hair every time I showered (no wonder I hated showing, it took so long), plus brushing my dry hair every morning — and I wondered why it was perpetually dry and frizzy! Now I wash and comb it once a week and in between just get it wet in the shower each day and style it while wet with a curl product.

      1. Clisby*

        I’m not sure how many people’s hair *needs* to be shampooed every time they take a bath or shower – I wonder if that’s just some weird American idea. My hair is stick-straight and I wash it once a week. It would look like straw otherwise.

        1. Expectations*

          Well, if we’re really going there, medically you only need to shower/bathe/wash once per week. Doing more is social custom/expectations. Presumably very few people would wash their hair without the rest of it, so it’s pretty safe to say once/week is fine.

    7. blueberry smoothie*

      I am a very curly haired person. The only thing that makes me a bit less curly is that the grey is coming in slightly straigher, but not really straight. My frizz cannot be contained, my split ends flourish. So, conditioner is your friend, don’t brush the hair after its been washed too much. If knots really bother her or you, learn to embrace loose braids. When she’s older, she can embrace lots of conditioner, but that’s her journey, not yours. So: wash, condition, and maybe braid. Don’t criticize her for her hair. Her hair is going to hair, and don’t complain how messy it is, how it doesn’t do what you want it to do, how it doesn’t act like you want it to act or other people’s hair. Chances are it will straighten when she grows up.

      1. blueberry smoothie*

        Straighten out a bit, I mean. Not necessarily go full-straight. But hair changes a lot from little kit to adult.

    8. Filosofickle*

      You’ll get less frizz if you brush less, especially since it’s very curly. But brushing less is easier when you prevent tangles — a cream or leave-in helps, plus keeping hair in easy protective styles (braids / ponytails during the day, bonnet or “pineapple” at night). Personally I don’t worry about frizz that much. I minimize it by using conditioner and product, brushing minimally, and sleeping with it up…and if there’s still frizz that’s fine. I like my hair to have volume and be a little floofy anyway.

      Red Reader has the correct answer on why you’re covered in hair. All the loose hairs are trapped in the curls until you brush or wash it out so it seems like a lot compared to straight hair.

    9. ElastiGirl*

      I come to you as someone who finally embraced her 3B curly hair and who remembers years of crying as my straight-haired mom tried to brush my hair. A few thoughts:

      •Don’t brush. Use a wide-toothed comb instead for tangles. Some version of an Afro pick is helpful for styling dry hair.
      •Use spray-in detangler and conditioner with detangler. I cannot tell you how betrayed I felt when I learned that, yes, detangler existed when I was a kid.
      •Don’t use any hair products (including shampoos) that include sulfates, alcohols, parabens, or silicones. Look for kids’ products designed especially for curly hair. It will make a huge difference on the frizz level.
      •Don’t towel dry. Towels are rough on curly hair (think of all those curly threads on a towel rubbing against the curly hairs on your daughter’s head). Microfiber towels work well, or even old t-shirts.
      •Don’t blow dry hair. Let it air dry. Or, if your daughter and you are okay with this, scrunch up her wet (microfiber-towel-dried) hair and wrap it up in a satin bonnet or even a t-shirt and sleep that way. It’ll be ultra curly (though possibly still a bit damp) in the morning, and you’ll only have to fluff it up and send her off to school.
      •If you’re really concerned about frizz, look for de-frizzing hair creams. I use John Frieda’s Secret Weapon, which lives up to its name where frizz is concerned. There may be children’s de-frizzers available.

      All this will help her hair be healthier, which will mean less shedding.

      Enjoy your daughter’s curly hair! When you care for it with the right products, curly hair is actually super easy to manage (it takes me less than 60 seconds to be ready to walk out the door each day). Good luck!

      1. Filosofickle*

        The one thing I’d disagree with here is sleeping with wet hair bundled up. One argument is that hair is weak when the cuticle is swelled with water and an extended dry time can lead to cuticle damage and breakage. The ickier threat is is that trapping in moisture can breed fungus and scalp issues.

        1. Ellis Bell*

          If you can diffuse or air dry before bed, you should. In fact, I would probably start there because it’s successful for many. For some people though, that’s an impossibility. If I use heat, I generate insane amounts of frizz and it takes forever to dry. I do section and air dry a little and while a turban wouldn’t work for me personally overnight (it’d still be sopping wet in the morning) I do shape or braid or pile up my hair a little because it’s taking shape while it dries.

      2. Ellis Bell*

        I’m so interested when curlies say they use John Frieda, or silicone because a) that was the first thing I gave up to get my curl pattern back, and b) nothing is really better at taming frizz than the forbidden silicone. I think it’s one of these things, maybe you can help me out: a) they really have changed silicone formations, b) your hair can handle a tougher shampoo which washes them out or c) some people’s hair is so curly the pattern can’t be smoothed out. I genuinely flirt with returning to silicone all the time but my fear is I wouldn’t see the silicone build up happening until it was too late and I’d have to start from scratch getting my hair to curl. I do use a low poo and clarify, so maybe I should check it out.

    10. Janesfriend*

      I have super curly hair (ringlets basically). I hated it until as a teen a hairdresser told me to leave the conditioner in. I do (my normal conditioner, not a special leave in product). It works and no one ever believes I have conditioner in my hair – it isn’t greasy or sticky. Sometimes I twist sections to help the ringlets form, sometimes I just leave it to air dry. I wish my parents had been as helpful as you are being.

    11. RLC*

      Wavy/curly haired person here (think Salma Hayek type hair), I’ve found two things that make a big difference for me:
      Microfiber hair towel, squeeze dry. Avoid terry towels.
      Smooth pillow cases, avoid flannel or fleece as hair snags on it. Cotton sateen is an economical alternative to the silk often recommended.

    12. Little Miss Helpful*

      -Wash less frequently, 2-3 times a week is enough
      -Wide-tooth comb on damp/wet hair
      -detangler and more detangler
      -frequent small trims

    13. Ellis Bell*

      My top tip is silk or satin gloves to detangle because everything else causes frizz. Fingers cause frizz (don’t let anyone touch it when it’s dry), brushes cause frizz and even combs, unless the hair is wet. Sometimes you don’t want to spend another x days/hours wetting and then drying hair, so I use the gloves to detangle. Comb her hair in the shower when it’s full of conditioner as the first detangle. (this will pull out a wigs worth of loose hair, but it’s better to embrace it in bunches while it’s easier to dispose of), comb it again with detangler/gel/product after washing. Gel can be a good frizz solution as it makes a cast, but there will probably always be some frizz!

      1. ampersand*

        That’s so smart about the gloves! When I wear my hair curly I have to remind my husband not to touch my hair, usually when he hugs me. Because yes, fingers make it frizzy. I never would have thought of gloves to detangle.

    14. LongCurlyHair*

      Wash the hair once a week, put it in a braid in between. Wear a shower cap for interim showers. Brush it out immediately after showering (my dad used to have to do this for me when I was a kid – it became a whole ritual we did as together time). Use a hard bristle brush – combs and picks only work if it’s also thin or they get stuck; soft bristle brushes just bend without capturing any hair.

      Before my hair started changing (age + medical conditions), if I wore it down outside for even a couple of minutes I’d have a crow’s nest and be in for a world of hurt getting the knots out, so even if you don’t go the leave in braids route, at least do it outside, then take it down/brush it out at the destination (wash, rinse, repeat before leaving).

      Long curly hair is hard to brush out. I always lose hair and have been told that’s normal and expected. I (or my dad back in the day) had to clear the hair out of my brush several times to get through a whole head of hair.

      Good luck!

    15. Buni*

      I only wash mine twice a week, blow-dry my fringe for shape but leave the rest. Only use a wooden comb (no static) when dry.

    18. Bureaucrat for life*

      I love my Denman hairbrush for detangling my wet hair. I use it on dry hair before shampooing. And a good haircut is everything.

  36. Christmas Tree Decision*

    I need to buy a new artificial Christmas tree this year. My ca. 2003 prelit 4.5′ tree from Target has given up the ghost. I can’t decide if I want another 4.5′ tree or if I should get a skinny 7.5′ tree. I want a Douglas fir that’s prelit with colored lights, and I have both options in my shopping cart. They both cost roughly the same amount and they both have 100 lights per foot.

    I’m planning to buy a tree storage bag, so that next year, I can roll it out of the closet and just fluff and rearrange things a bit, rather than reassemble it. A shorter tree is easier to manage, but I miss having a taller tree. If I can store it already assembled, it wouldn’t be that much extra work for a taller tree, I don’t think.

    I can’t decide!

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      Get the tall one! It’s likely that assembly just means “set up the bottom then drop the top piece into place” so shouldn’t be significantly more work.

    2. Pam Adams*

      We have 3 of the 6-foot trees- they’re fairly skinny, so we set up a tree forest every year.

    3. Firebird*

      We got a skinny 7 foot tree and hated it with the heat of a thousand suns. I don’t think it was from Target. The top half was the only part that was tapered and the bottom half was basically a fir column.

      Some of the regular 7 foot trees are narrower than others or you can get a regular width tree and bend the branches in the back so it can go closer to the wall.

    4. goddessoftransitory*

      I refuse to give up our prelit tree because it’s the first major gift Husband gave me back in the day–I was complaining that decorating an apartment just for myself was something I just never got around to, and came home from work to find it set up and lit in my living room!

      The lights have of course gone the way of all flesh, but we just buy strings of lights instead as needed and put them on instead.

    5. Healthcare Worker*

      I have a short tree in our den, and place it in the corner on a small cabinet. Gives the height easily.

      1. Just a name*

        We do this with our shorter tree (and only tree). It wasn’t pre-lit, so I have to add the lights every year, but it is super easy to do. We found it in the attic of the first house we bought in 1992, so now I am sentimental about it. We just use a big trash bag to cover the two halves for storage.

    6. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      I love Christmas trees, but last year, sold my nice, fluffy 6 footer on FB Marketplace, and ended up with a 7 ft pre-lit pencil tree that can do multi and white lights and I love it. Easy for me to assemble and fluff and also to break down and put away. I was able to get most of my prior ornaments on it that I wanted on it and it looked fab. I just put it back in the box it came in and stored it away easily :) Good luck and have fun!

    7. Anono-me*

      Can you leave the tree all set up and decorated to store in the closet? If so, I would think the skinny one would be easier.
      (Maybe with an old sheet thrown over it and your most delicate and favorite ornaments put safely away?)

      1. Christmas Tree Decision*

        That’s the plan with the storage bag. You just zip the decorated tree into the bag and it’s all set for next year. Honestly, my ideal tree would be a slim 5.5′, which is apparently not really a thing, unless I want a tinsel tree.

  37. David Rose*

    I’m guessing I’m in the minority here, but: extended banter on educational podcasts. Obviously on comedy pods that’s kind of the whole point, and I don’t mind some pleasantries and introductions and catching-ups, but when I pick a random podcast to learn something and 20 minutes in* the cohosts are still bantering about their weekends, it’s frustrating! I’m happy for you that you found a coffee place that sells the perfect cappuccino but I’d like to learn about Catherine the Great please.

    *or insert length of time that would be unreasonable due to being disproportionate to the rest of the episode – I find this most frustrating on 30-60 minute pods especially ones that have ads; would absolutely find more banter to be forgivable on an hours-long deep dive.

    2. Forensic13*

      I’m with you. I wanted to like Hardcore History, but some episodes he talks for a half hour about why he chose the topic, and it makes me want to tear my ears off.

  38. Fluff*

    Voting Stickers – Any fun ones?

    I will be sporting a “I GOATED” “#2024 Running of the Goats” for the “WNC Nature Center” sticker. Perfectly round and colored to match the voting stickers.

    Even more fun when my friends remember I cannot vote and then of course, the goats.

    :-)

    1. Bluebell Brenham*

      A town near me has one with a turkey on it, because they’ve had a rise in their wild turkey population over the past decade or so.

  39. Firebird*

    How do you get the white stuff off the heating element in your dishwasher? The dishwasher cleaner packets don’t do anything for the heating element.
    I tried dipping paper towels in lime remover and laying it over the white crud. It helps, but I still have to scrub with steel wool to get if off. Is it safe to do that, if I also run the dishwasher afterwards?
    Is there anything I can do to prevent the buildup on the heating element? I rent, so I can’t change anything involving the plumbing.

    1. fhqwhgads*

      Put a cup of vinegar on the top rack. Run it with the hottest temp is has. Nothing else in it beside that one cup of vinegar.

  40. Esprit de l'escalier*

    I’m going to start my own Microsoft 365 account, after years when my husband handled it. I have this question: how do I identify my devices to Microsoft? The devices are a Windows laptop, a Macbook Air, an iPad, and an iMac. The MS apps that I use are just Word and Excel.

    I need pretty basic, detailed directions on what they ask for and how to locate that info. I hope AAM readers can help with this!

    1. noname today*

      You create an account using an email address. You set a password
      They will email you a confirmation code to establish that it is an active email address—and that you have access to it.
      When you log into O365 you sign in with that info

    2. Esprit de l'escalier*

      I’ll try to ask my question again from a different angle. For the last 5 years I’ve been using Microsoft 365 via a family plan owned by my husband. Before that he and I each had our own copies of Office. My husband died last year, shortly after the auto-renewal of his subscription, and I’ve continued with this family plan since then.

      The family-plan sub is due to auto-renew in 2 weeks. I could leave it like that, where he would still be the account owner, but I’d prefer to start my own MS account, purchase my own plan, and cancel the family plan under his account (I can access it).

      Here is my dilemma: I’m thinking that I should get my own Office365 coverage **while his subscription is still in effect** so that I would have continuous access to Word and Excel. Is that how I should do it? I’m afraid of losing my access to these apps, even if temporarily — they’re too important to me to take that chance.

      But for me to have this overlapping coverage, it would have to be possible for two separate Microsoft accounts with different owners to cover the same devices. Would Microsoft allow that? I’d appreciate any help in figuring out how to proceed.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yes. I technically have access to office 365 through my personal account, my work credentials and my school credentials, all on my MacBook, my mac desktop and two tablets. I don’t usually sign out of my personal to use either of the others for Word, but I do switch between them for outlook as I specifically don’t want to cross the streams, and when I get to a “login to Microsoft” point, it asks me which login I want to use.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          But also, no, you can cancel the old one and then start a new one without losing access to the software. It will literally just tell you to enter a valid login, and then you can create your new one and log in with it. The only exception I think is if you use OneDrive cloud storage; you would obviously want to get everything out of the old one before you cancel it. But if all your files are on your actual computer or in some other cloud storage, Dropbox or iCloud or whatnot, then being without a 365 account for a few minutes will not harm them, especially if you don’t try to open them in between.

          1. Observer*

            you can cancel the old one and then start a new one without losing access to the software.

            Yes, to the software. But if you are storing your files in that account, vs your computer or a different cloud account, you *will* lose access unless you transfer all of that over.

        2. Esprit de l'escalier*

          Thank you so much for this excellent and clear advice. Tomorrow I will start up a Microsoft account and purchase a personal MS365 plan, and then I can figure out how to identify my various devices to it.

          I started off this thread thinking that the last task (identifying the devices) was going to be the hurdle, and then I realized I was worrying about the final step in this process when there were prior steps I needed to understand. It took me a couple of tries to articulate what my question really was.

      2. Observer*

        it would have to be possible for two separate Microsoft accounts with different owners to cover the same devices. Would Microsoft allow that?

        Absolutely.

        That’s a large part of the point. You have an account that’s tied to an *email* address. And it doesn’t care where you access that account from. And it doesn’t care how many other people accessed their accounts from the device you are using.

        What you need to do is set up your new account *before* the old one expires and then transfer all of your files to the new account otherwise, you will lose everything. Again, access is based on account, not device. Which means that if you don’t explicitly give the new account the access, those files will be gone when the old account expires, regardless of what device you use to connect.

        1. Esprit de l'escalier*

          Oh gosh, I didn’t realize that all the Word documents and spreadsheets that I’ve created in the last 5 years belong to the account that I want to cancel. Yikes! Thank you so much for pointing this out!

          This makes me wonder: I have backups of all my documents on a memory stick, but they all have my husband’s name as owner. Could I copy them back to my laptop as my files after closing his account?

          1. Observer*

            You could definitely do that. The ownership is not really baked into the files, it’s more a matter of where the files live. So you want them to migrate from the “family” account that’s going away to the new account that you are setting up.

  41. That's French for Blanche Devereaux*

    I’m going to France for the first time. I have plug adapters to charge my devices, but does anyone have a recommendation for a flat iron? I’ve searched, and it’s confusing to figure out what would work.

    1. Squidhead*

      I recently stayed in a nice hotel Trieste and the outlet in the bathroom had a switch for 115 volts or 240 volts with a picture of an electric razor next to it. A North American flat iron should be able to use the 115V setting. I’m not sure how common this setup is but if you’ll be staying in a hotel it could be worth asking?

    2. Decidedly Me*

      A fair number of hotels will have the two voltage options (you want the lower one if coming from the US). You can also get a voltage adapter if you’re unsure if that is an option where you’re staying.

    3. Ellis Bell*

      Have you ever used them with a travel plug anywhere else? I’m in the UK, but when I’m in the US or elsewhere I always just used to put the travel adaptor plug on the hair tool and use them, but the difference in voltage sometimes meant the performance was weak (US is much lower voltage). Once I bought a travel hairdryer and straighteners it was smooth sailing because they had dual voltage (and they were much easier to pack). Some brands have international voltage which automatically adapts (GHD does for most models, I believe and I’ve travelled with my everyday GHD straighteners in Canada with mine) so it’s worth taking a look at your particular make and model for.

    4. Manders*

      Yes, be careful! My colleague shorted out her brand new flatiron when we were at a conference in Copenhagen this summer. I had no idea this could happen, and mine worked just fine. Apparently some flatirons don’t convert well.

    5. Mutually supportive*

      Can you just borrow one from where you’re staying? Most hotels will have them available, though you may need to ask in advance.

  42. Mimmy*

    Travel horror stories: Not sure if I’m looking for commiseration or reassurance that this is very rare!

    I had an aggravating experience on Tuesday flying back home from Nashville (spent the weekend there with my sisters and mom). Due to my flight being delayed, then ultimately canceled, I was stuck at the airport from about 8:00 am when I checked in until about 6:30 pm when I finally boarded my rebooked flight, which involved having to change planes (original flight was direct). I got home at 12:30 am when I should’ve been home at around 2:00 pm or so.

    It all started with a delay due to a mechanical issue, then our pilot was taken to cover for a pilot who’d called out sick, so we had to wait 5 hours for another pilot. When we were finally all boarded, they ran a test to see if the earlier mechanical issue was resolved. When that failed, we were all kicked off and the flight was canceled. I am so glad I was able to get another flight that same evening and not get stuck overnight.

    I am inexperienced with traveling, especially alone, and get very anxious when things like this happen. It was enough to make me not want to fly again for a while, at least not alone. Thank goodness for helpful fellow passengers and my wonderful sisters and mom who supported me via text the whole time.

    But… please tell me this isn’t common! It was such a mess!

    1. Sitting Pretty*

      I would say this isn’t very common. I’ve flown an average amount in my life (maybe 2 trips a year with several legs per trip) so that’s easily 200+ flights, probably more. And I can count on one hand the number of trips with upheaval to the degree you describe.

      Delays are common, having to wait around for mechanical issues to be resolved also common. But having to wait that long, board then get booted, be cancelled, rebook, start over? That’s a wild amount of inconvenience and most of the time you won’t face that.

      All of that said, my flying has dropped drastically since 2020. And it’s possible things have gotten more chaotic. I’m interested in what the other more frequent fliers of the AAM universe have to say!

    2. Bike Walk Barb*

      I’m sorry this happened and that it was so stressful. My experience isn’t a guarantee for you; I’m sharing it in response to you saying “please tell me this isn’t common!”.

      I fly 8 or more times a year for work to a variety of destinations in the US and just got back from an international trip. I also travel by train between cities and put together multimodal trips involving a combination of rail, bus, and air. I haven’t encountered this kind of thing before with multiple issues stacking up; this sounds uncommon to me.

      When I’ve had something happen with a flight due to a mechanical issue, my mental attitude is, “Whew! Glad they found that before we got in the air!” Think of it as the system working, not a failure, and that may help.

      Each trip is its own unique combination of destinations and circumstances, and sometimes things don’t go smoothly. That’s true in everyday life, too: The power goes out, car breaks down, dentist’s office calls to cancel your appointment, and sometimes all of those happen in the same day but that’s rare. It’s easier to deal with the bumps in familiar surroundings but the same skills apply and as you travel more you’ll get more experienced at taking things in stride. This particular unfortunate combination isn’t an indication that you’ll encounter a similar pattern in your future travels. Bon voyage!

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      My mom and I were traveling together from California to my brother’s wedding in Michigan. We scheduled the flight to arrive at a reasonable hour the day before in case of delays, especially important because there were no direct flights. The wedding was informal in their backyard and included a potluck. My brother and fiancee had me learn a song to sing at the ceremony and they asked my mom to bring along a special dessert she was known for.

      Our first flight didn’t work out. We got stuck waiting for our departure and then they sent us on a different connecting flight that only went as far as Chicago. They put us up in a hotel that we got to at 2 am and we had to be awake before dawn to catch what was then a third flight.

      At this point there was no question we were going to arrive hours after the wedding time. My brother and almost-wife had planned to follow the ceremony with the two of them taking a ride on a hot air balloon. Instead, because they were waiting for me to sing and my mom to bring dessert, they went on the balloon at the scheduled time and had the wedding afterward. There were multiple family members and friends from out of town who waited a long time for us to show up.

      It was definitely a travel mess. Somehow my mom’s coffee cake survived in her carry-on, I had printed the words to the song so it didn’t matter how tired I was, and everyone had a relaxed attitude about it. They’ve been married now for more than 30 years.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Well, I completely misunderstood your request and thought you were asking for others to share that they had the same experience. Sorry that my story is the antithesis of what you asked for.

        Here’s my correct response to your post. I’ve flown countless times in both in the US and internationally for decades and the incident I described is the only time things went that wrong.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Definitely not common. I fly probably 8-10 times a year and my husband as well (separate trips mostly), and I can think of two significant delays and two outright cancellations in the last ten years, all due to weather at one end or the other.

    5. Anonymous Cat*

      The times I’ve had lengthy flight delays usually involved blizzards! So not much we humans can do but wait them out.

    6. YNWA*

      The only times I’ve experienced that kind of delay was 1) due to extreme fog in Montana and we were delayed 7 hours (we were supposed to be back in Milwaukee by 2pm and I think we landed in Milwaukee at 12:30) 2) tornadoes in Memphis delayed us by 5 hours/tornadoes in New Orleans delayed us by 6 hours and 3) the mysterious mechanical issue but that only delayed us by a few hours in Chicago. So it’s not common to have such extreme delays but it does happen.

      It’s more common to have delays of a few hours due to crew fatigue.

    7. Jay (no, the other one)*

      We live in PA and our daughter just moved back east after six years in San Diego. We flew out at least three or four times a year and she came home for almost every college vacation including Thanksgiving. In addition my husband and I travel together at least twice a year and I usually take solo flights two or three times. Since we started traveling again post-COVID shutdown, we’ve dealt with a total of two flight cancellations and one significant (> 1 hr) delay. That’s it. We were lucky that the two flight cancellations didn’t cause a huge amount of inconvenience – our kid spent an additional night with us and I spent an unexpected evening with a friend in CA. The kind of thing you experience with the maybe-we-will-maybe-we-won’t is the absolute worst. I’m sorry. It’s certainly not the norm in my experience.

      I’m currently grounded by knee surgery and can’t wait to get back to travel! I’m sorry you had such an awful time.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        Oh, and honestly the worst travel debacle I’ve had recently was on a train! I was on the Acela from Boston to NY and we stopped in New Haven due to a broken rail in New Rochelle. Ended up taking the MetroNorth local from New Haven to NYC which meant I was at Grand Central and had to get to Penn Station with luggage in mid-summer to catch the NJ Transit train to get at least closer to home and THEN we stopped in Newark for an extended period and my husband almost ended up driving to Newark to pick me up. NJ Transit local trains are not intended for people with luggage so when the guy sitting next to me starting spewing racist and sexist garbage into his cellphone I had nowhere to go. Give me an airplane any day.

    8. fposte*

      No. Delays aren’t super-uncommon, but they’re rarely like that. What gets tricky is when you have a multiple-leg itinerary so that a delay makes you miss the next flight. My final leg home is to a small airport with few flights, so I will fork out extra and get up early to make sure my last leg isn’t my last flight of the day into home base. I’ve still gotten screwed when that last flight us full but at least it gives me a fighting chance.

    9. Rara Avis*

      We travel from the west coast to the east every summer via Southwest and almost always get delayed a few hours East-bound in Chicago due to weather. But not west-bound.

      In 24 years we’ve only had two delays of the type you mentioned — one unplanned three-day stay in Chicago when thunderstorms killed the runway lights and it was too close to the July 4th holiday; one that sounds very much like yours — a combination of mechanical issues and crew timing out.

    10. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Not so common, but it does happen. When stuff like that starts to go wrong, I give myself permission to be very, very nice to myself. I buy a good book and a very good meal at the airport. If it looks like they’re jerking me around and the flight’s not really going to take off today, I will call the airline, ask to rebook for tomorrow, and then get a hotel room (after buying myself a nice t-shirt to sleep in and toiletries at the airport) and order good room service. Sometimes, things go wrong, but if you can throw money at the problem, you can make your delay more pleasant than it otherwise would have been and keep your equilibrium.

    11. Girasol*

      Returning from San Francisco to Colorado Springs via Denver. The flight to Denver was a little late – only an hour or so – but it was the last flight of the night. It had just missed the connecting flight and there wouldn’t be another until morning. A couple dozen of us and the gate agent seemed like the last people in the terminal. The rental car places had closed. So the gate agent booked a bus to get home. The bus went very slowly because the driver couldn’t see for the pouring rain, and the bus heater was broken. We didn’t know that when we got on so all our coats were in the baggage compartment. The driver would not stop so we just had to shiver. We didn’t get to the Springs airport until about 1:00 am. and then we had to walk across the parking lot to our cars in the rain and dark. So. Cold.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        This sounds disturbingly close to my first flight to the Springs before we moved there in 1990. Thunderstorms in Chicago meant planes didn’t come into Denver. After three hours in the Denver airport they herded us all on to a bus. The bus driver left off the brake and rolled v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y into the back of the bus in front of him. The guy behind us was a blowhard trying to pick up his seatmate. It was *awful* and we also got in at 1:00 AM and then had to rent a car….

    12. The OG Sleepless*

      Not common at all, don’t worry! I travel semi-regularly, a few times a year, and something on that scale has only happened to me once. (Flight from Dallas to ATL got delayed for almost 12 hours and I had to rebook a flight for the next morning, rather than drive right through downtown ATL at 2 AM and go to work the next day. I got a room at a hotel with an airport shuttle and made the best of it.) Most of the time everything goes exactly as it’s supposed to.

    13. Clisby*

      I don’t think they’re common – I have only one from all the flights I’ve taken (I’m 71.) Sometime in the early ’90s, I was working in Columbus, OH and planning to fly home over Christmas to visit my parents in SC.

      So the plane gets to Atlanta. Whereupon we’re told the flight’s been delayed because of weather. Not just any weather – a freak snowstorm that started in Florida is moving up the East Coast. Friends, this is kind of like saying a freak hurricane started in West Virginia and is headed to Canada.

      Anyhow, we wait in Atlanta, and wait, and wait. FINALLY they tell us we can board. By now it’s late afternoon. The pilot announces we’re nearing Charleston SC. Victory, right? NO. Minutes later, they get a report that a military plan has skidded off an icy runway in Charleston and we have to turn around and go back to Atlanta.

      Delta puts us up for the night at a nearby Holiday Inn, maybe? I don’t think airlines do this any more. We all meet up at the breakfast buffet and start trading stories. The one I’m still shaking my head over is the woman who worked in France and was trying to visit her family in Dayton, OH, only she’s been booked to Daytona, FL, where … oops, the snowstorm.

      I finished breakfast, headed to the airport, got a pretty good idea Delta wasn’t getting me out of there that day (this is Christmas Eve). I rented a car and drove the 6 hours home. The airline lost one of my suitcases, but fortunately it was not the one with presents for the niblings, and it turned up a couple of days later at the Charleston airport. Fun times.

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        Ooh, the blizzard of 1993! That was NOT the week to be connecting through Atlanta. That storm has its own Wikipedia article. The picture of the weather map is impressive.

    14. Sloanicota*

      FWIW I’d say when I travel Spirit or Frontier it’s probably 50/50 that they cancel my entire flight or so radically change my reservation that it’s as good as cancelled. I do still book them sometimes because they’re so cheap, but if it’s important that I arrive I sometimes book a second returnable flight on a different airline. At least they have the decency to cancel well in advance, usually, not once you arrive at the airport. On other airlines, a full day delay is probably one in fifty flights. Some kind of delay but not a fatal one seems to be increasing to about 50% of flights too I’d say now.

    15. Lexi Vipond*

      Is there no requirement in the US for the airline to provide you with a bed if you’re delayed overnight?

      My worst disruption actually came from a very short delay – I was flying with Lufthansa (I think I was going to Salzburg, but I’m not entirely sure), and the way it was set up was a flight from Edinburgh to Frankfurt (and presumably a lot of other flights from other places to Frankfurt), and then a lot of local flights taking people on to an assortment of places in and around Germany, all with short connection times.

      We were probably only about half an hour late – I know I was told to run to the gate because I might just make it – but it was enough to break the whole system, and almost everyone from my flight had to be given hotel vouchers and put on a bus to one of the airport hotels, and then bussed back for early morning flights.

      That’s the only time, though – far more often I’ve been on time, or slightly late.

      For shorter delays I just make sure that I have something to DO at the airport, so that I can be sitting reading or knitting or studying or whatever, rather than fidgeting and moaning (which isn’t as enjoyable, and won’t get me there any quicker!)

    16. Mimmy*

      Wow thanks everyone!

      I didn’t mean to make it sound like I’ve hardly ever flown–I’ve been on plenty of flights–but I’m usually with someone. Also, I haven’t flown in over 5 years, so it all felt new again.

      Delays seem to be very common and they are aggravating. I have had a couple of bad delays over the years, including long delays in both directions when I flew to Orlando (for a conference) via Jet Blue. Yet, Tuesday’s delays scared me for some reason.

      1. Evan88*

        I fly probably twice a month, a lot of international flights. Delays and chaos are constant. I totally understand your anxiety about it. It’s stressful! It’s frustrating! I’d try to reframe it in your mind.

        Instead of being frustrated and stressed, think of it as a vacation. Airport rules!! Want to drink a beer at 6am? Completely fine. Take a nap on the floor? Absolutely. Make a new best friend at a restaurant or in a line? Yes, time for friendship bracelets. Basically anything goes. Make the most of it! You’ll never see these people again and it’s better than being stressed and anxious!

  43. WoodswomanWrites*

    My mom and I were traveling together from California to my brother’s wedding in Michigan. We scheduled the flight to arrive at a reasonable hour the day before in case of delays, especially important because there were no direct flights. The wedding was informal in their backyard and included a potluck. My brother and fiancee had me learn a song to sing at the ceremony and they asked my mom to bring along a special dessert she was known for.

    Our first flight didn’t work out. We got stuck waiting for our departure and then they sent us on a different connecting flight that only went as far as Chicago. They put us up in a hotel that we got to at 2 am and we had to be awake before dawn to catch what was then a third flight.

    At this point there was no question we were going to arrive hours after the wedding time. My brother and almost-wife had planned to follow the ceremony with the two of them taking a ride on a hot air balloon. Instead, because they were waiting for me to sing and my mom to bring dessert, they went on the balloon at the scheduled time and had the wedding afterward. There were multiple family members and friends from out of town who waited a long time for us to show up.

    It was definitely a travel mess. Somehow my mom’s coffee cake survived in her carry-on, I had printed the words to the song so it didn’t matter how tired I was, and everyone had a relaxed attitude about it. They’ve been married now for more than 30 years.

  44. MechanicalPencil*

    this is not terribly light hearted, my apologies

    trigger warning for pet death.

    My eldest pet has reached a quality of life point and will be crossing the rainbow bridge within the next few days. I’m a bit torn on the decision as it’s difficult to make, but my question arises from a different perspective.

    Eldest old man had some major surgery and was sensitive about his face afterwards. He’s a breed mix requiring semi frequent grooming. I found a lovely groomer willing to work with him and over time they built trust. When we were last in a few weeks ago, eldest old man wasn’t feeling well but was semi responsive to treatment. She asked that I let her know how he is.

    How do I break this news? I do not have her direct number, and it feels a bit callous to call her store and have them pass a message. I also don’t know that I’ll be capable of sharing without crying, which is another level of awkward. Would a brief note expressing gratitude for her obvious care and affection while breaking the news be sufficient? Is there another option I’m overlooking? I realize I could just do nothing but that also seems …not great.

    We will be spending tomorrow doing the things he enjoys, so I can’t promise I’ll be responsive. I am obviously in an overthinking spiral.

    1. Smol Bookwizard*

      my condolences for your dear creature friend. we had to make that choice for one of ours not too long ago.

      personally, I’d leave a note. I always hated telling folk the news and I think notes would probably have helped me a lot.

    2. LBD*

      I would leave the note. You can make sure that you say everything that you want to include in your message to the groomer, and avoid worry about breaking down. They can choose to read it in private, and, if you include some sort of thanks for their kindness to your pet, it could temper the sadness a bit.

    3. Ellis Bell*

      A small thank you note for her help at such a time sounds lovely and is a good way to look after yourself if you’re not up for direct contact.

    4. Two cents*

      There is nothing like a good, heartfelt thank you note! I think they are very underrated. Sometimes people love them so much they keep them for years and years, even if they have some sort of sad news in them like yours. If I were the groomer, I’d love to know that my efforts made a difference to someone and their pet, even if it contained sad news. I think the news in a thank you note is perfect.

    5. Hyaline*

      The note is perfect. And I don’t think it’s inappropriate at all if you preferred to call the store to pass on the message, if you felt comfortable that they would. It’s definitely a kindness to do so—and from a pragmatic perspective, if he’s on a rotation for reminders, they should then know to remove him and avoid a potential grief bomb for yourself in a few months.

    6. YNWA*

      We sent cards to our vets/groomers thanking them for all their years of service when our cats passed.

      2. Is it Friday yet?*

        This is also something you don’t need to do right away. Take some time before you reach out, note or otherwise, so it’s not so raw. Mine passed 2 months ago and still not all my friends know, it’s hard to tell people when you’re midst grief.

    7. Can't Sit Still*

      I am so sorry for the upcoming loss of your pet. He loves you and trusts you to do the best thing for him and you are and will.

      Sending a note to his groomer would be a kindness. She will appreciate the opportunity to grieve in private, since a note makes it obvious what has happened. You don’t have to do it immediately if that’s too much.

      In case it’s helpful, here’s a checklist for afterwards, so you don’t get blindsided by reminders or unexpected charges later. It generally takes an hour or so to take care of everything, depending on how much applies to him, and how you are feeling. Obviously, ignore the ones that are inapplicable.

      Most of these can be done online now, so you don’t need to worry about breaking down while taking care of it. Notes are always appreciated by those who cared for your pet in person.

      1. Notify all of his vets if he was seen at multiple practices.
      2. Cancel any recurring food deliveries or treat boxes, like Chewy or Bark Box.
      3. Cancel any autoship med prescriptions.
      4. Notify animal licensing
      5. Notify his groomer/grooming salon
      6. Notify his insurance while filing any final claims (if he is entitled to a death benefit, claim it, even if it feels weird).
      7. Notify his chip company to deactivate his chip.
      8. Dispose of any unused medications according to the vet’s instructions.
      9. Donate any unneeded food, i.e. prescription or specialty diet, to an animal shelter or rescue.
      10. Many shelters have pet loss groups if you feel that would be helpful. You can ask your vet, too, if they are aware of any other local or online groups.

      Again, my deepest sympathy on your loss.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I definitely wish I had thought to cancel all my chewy subscriptions sooner. That’s a couple hundred bucks that showed up a week later and went straight to the donation shelves at the shelter.

    8. Double A*

      Also, don’t feel you have to do this immediately after he passes! It might be a nice thing to do in a month or two as a fond remembrance. I think sending a card to her would be lovely.

  45. Middle Name Jane*

    I’m so sorry to hear about your pet. Because the groomer asked for an update, I think you should give one–when you have the emotional bandwidth. It doesn’t have to be immediate. And if you’re uneasy speaking on the phone because you don’t want to cry, then a note is perfectly fine. You take care of your pet, and yourself.

  46. Jigsaw Puzzle Product Question (Bike Walk Barb)*

    The question about cozy winter hobbies reminded me of a recommendation I need: Some kind of case or cover that will enable me to protect a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle in progress.

    My cat is guaranteed to disrupt–and possibly nibble on–an unprotected puzzle. I want to get something that lets me work on it, leave it out protected, and relocate if necessary.

    I’ve looked online and the variety of cases and covers has me…puzzled, of course, as to which ones have real utility and which features are actually annoying if you own the thing.

    As an example, I got a set of stacking boxes for sorting pieces, thinking it would be helpful for keeping the pieces away from the cat and would let me sort somewhat by color and put things away without losing the organizational work. It’s not nearly as handy as having all the pieces laid out surrounding the puzzle as I work on it and the pieces slide around inside the boxes so they don’t stay organized at all.

    What have you used and liked, what have you tried and disliked, and why?

    1. Jigsaw Puzzle Product Question (Bike Walk Barb)*

      I should add that I have one of those big felt mats you roll up with the puzzle inside. I dislike the way the puzzle inevitably breaks apart a bit and it’s no good at all for retaining the sorting and organizing of loose pieces.

    2. Lexi Vipond*

      My mum has a kind of board with four flattish drawers underneath, which does work fairly well for being able to lay different kinds of pieces out – you pull the drawers out for extra laying out space, or push them in to get them out of the road. It doesn’t protect the actual puzzle or any pieces lying around it on the main board, though.

    3. Pam Adams*

      would a flat box with a lid work? I’m picturing something like a large sheet pan with a lid or perhaps covered with a cloth?

    4. Not A Manager*

      My ex and I did a lot of 1000 piece puzzles during lockdown. I wound up using 1/4 size rimmed sheet pans for sorting. You can move the pieces around in the pans, they fit on my big table next to the puzzle in progress, and they stack easily to move elsewhere.

      Moving the puzzle itself is harder. If you’re moving it to another large surface, you can break the puzzle at some obvious spot, slide some cardboard under one part of it, relocate it, and then move your next part in and reattach it. If you don’t have a large surface, the best I came up with is sliding bits of the completed puzzle onto 1/2 sheet pans. It’s a bit clumsy and you have to do a bit of repair work as you go, but ultimately you have several sheet pans with large chunks of your puzzle on them, and you can remove and reassemble them when you get your table back.

      Heavy duty aluminum foil is useful to lay under the assembled puzzle as you’re moving it, because retrieving the parts out of the rimmed pans can be challenging.

      IDK how to protect anything from cats. The sheet pans easily stack and can be relocated. The puzzle itself you could try covering with a large piece of cardboard and weighing down the edges with free weights or heavy cans.

    5. BlueAlaska*

      My spouse got me a puzzle easel from amazon that has a cover. No drawers to store pieces, so I still use cookie sheets and the box bottom for that. I LOVE the easel function as tilting the puzzle up really helps with lower light conditions. Puzzling surface is felt so pieces don’t slide around.

    6. GoryDetails*

      I have a huge cardboard portfolio-style puzzle caddy; it has two trays plus the base (marked out in several different standard puzzle sizes), with thin foam sheets for each layer. It’s a bit cumbersome to set up, but it does a good job of containing the pieces, both for the puzzle-in-progress and the ones I’ve sorted into the trays. Not sure of the make, but I’ve had it for decades and it’s held up fairly well.

      A simpler option might be: if you have a favorite puzzle-making surface – kitchen table, coffee table, craft table? – you could have a piece of plexiglass cut to size, and just lay it on top of the entire surface, puzzle-pieces and all.

    7. Mimmy*

      I have a puzzle tray that spins around, which is helpful for larger puzzles. There’s no cover, but I can move the tray and puzzle into another room if I need it out of the way. If I had a cat, I’d probably place it under the bed and close the door.

    8. Roland*

      Growing up we would always just do big piece of cardboard below (for portability), and another on top when done for the night (for protection). Depends on the cat for sure – was fine for the cat we had who was more clumsy than curious, not work for my current cats who enjoy shoving anything they see.

    10. No name yet*

      I have a puzzle board that I *love* – it has wings that fold up to protect/cover the puzzle, along with two flat panels for sorting. I think basically it’s thick cardboard with fabric over it, but I’ve had mine for 4 years (bought it after a puzzling friend recommended it), and it’s still in great shape. Can stay flat, or you can fold the flaps over and lean it up against the wall. (When my kid got into puzzles, we bought him one of his own.)

      https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0016FQK1Q/

  47. Season of the Witch*

    Allathian,
    I don’t know if this is too far into the weekend for you to catch this; but here are some verses from “Tom the Toad” (to the tune of “Oh, Tannenbaum” and sung with great pathos):
    (referencing my offer to report what 8 year old campers produced for a talent show regarding found desiccated toads)

    [Oh, Tom the Toad, oh, Tom the Toad
    Why did you jump into the road?] (x2)
    You used to be so green and fat
    And now you are so red and flat.
    [x1]

    I would have liked to meetcha’
    But now you’re just squished pizza.

    You used to eat mosquitoes
    But now you’re dip for Fritos.

    I’ve forgotten several more, but that should get you started for adding your own if you have the right audience or collaborators

  49. Greengirl*

    I’m glad to see the return of the book recommendations. Thinking of you and your family as you grieve.

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