weekend open thread – November 9-10, 2024

by Alison Green on November 8, 2024

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: I’m still on comfort re-reads. This week it’s been The Inn at Lake Devine, by Elinor Lipman, in which a Jewish teenager gets entangled in surprising ways with a family that runs a “gentiles-only” inn.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

You may also like:
{ 1,036 comments }

{ 1,036 comments… read them below }

  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    These threads are no politics.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

  2. Falling Diphthong*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    The Wild Robot was excellent. A robot wakes up in the wilderness and tries to find someone to give it a task. Just delightful.

    2. Charlotte Lucas*

      I’ve been rewatching Absolutely Fabulous. Patsy and Edina have never stopped being funny.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Ooh, that makes me think I could do with some *Are You Being Served* right about now!

    3. Teapot Translator*

      I’m watching Kavanagh QC on Tubi (Canada), with John Thaw (know him from Inspector Morse). I’m enjoying it, but don’t really understand how the judicial system works over there. What do you mean he can take someone to court for murder when the police has decided it was a car accident? (He wasn’t suing them for damages.)

      1. UKDancer*

        Was it a private prosecution maybe? I don’t know the episode in question. I mean it’s a long time since I’ve studied law but there are cases where the Crown Prosecution Service decide not to prosecute and the family of the deceased take a private prosecution out. It’s expensive though and difficult to bring such a case.

        If memory serves Neville and Doreen Lawrence took out a prosecution against the boys involved in the murder of their son Stephen which was not successful (although 2 of the boys were subsequently convicted of the crime).

        1. Teapot Translator*

          I think that’s what it was. The lawyers of the victim’s mother do try to warn her that it’s a long shot.
          I’m pretty sure private prosecution of this type doesn’t exist in Canada.

          1. UKDancer*

            Yes, it’s a really long shot and they don’t usually work. So it’s not a thing that people are encouraged to do. So they tend to be taken out very rarely and succeed only a very small proportion of the time.

      2. Lady Knittington*

        Can’t speak for that particular episode, but the way it generally works for criminal cases is that the police make an arrest and have 24 hours to question the suspect. whilst gathering (more) evidence. If they need more time they can go to a judge and request an extension.

        Police then pass all the evidence on to the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) who decide if there’s enough evidence for the suspect to be charged, at which point they’re either charged and released on ɓail, released or charged and kept in custody.

        2. Hibiscus*

          And The Librarians! The head librarian of a suburban library destroyed her own life in pursuit of vengeance against her best friend. The bestie comes back into her life needing a job and help. But the public library bits are absolutely the same as in the US.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Season 3 of Sweet Tooth is proving the weakest entry. They definitely did not have a geographer on staff, or if they did he was chained in the basement.

      Started a rewatch of Only Murders in the Building, and really enjoying it. I love the experimental bits, like the episode with no spoken dialogue.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Watched the series finale of Sweet Tooth and we laughed a lot. Unfortunately it was not meant to be funny.

        They really needed to hand the script to someone who could make the mythology internally consistent.

    6. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I’m sure most folks have seen it already, but I realized that I had never seen all of *Godfather II* before, just selected scenes, and I had the chance to watch it in a hotel room on a reasonably large tv.

      I liked it, though I could also have enjoyed it if the interwoven story about Vito Corleone’s origins had been omitted. Like, I get why it was in there–for a contrasting rise and fall narrative–but it didn’t seem as compelling to me as the other narrative. The cinematography was also to die for. Lovely.

      I did notice, though, that this is such a “women don’t matter” narrative. Like, yes, they’re in there, but mostly so that we can see Michael’s relationship–or lack thereof–to them. But maybe that’s part of the point–the film did a good job of showing how Michael couldn’t really relate to Kay and of highlighting how Michael’s relationship with his son was much more important to him than his relationship with Kay throughout; later, we see how he has completely alienated his son (though not his daughter, since she doesn’t matter) from Kay: it’s like the cycle of thinking women aren’t important continues. And while Mama Corleone (does she even have a first name?) seems to have been closer to Vito than Kay was to Michael, Mama Corleone has no real role other than holding children, taking care of sick children, cooking, looking disapproving of her children’s poor romantic choices, telling Michael he can never lose his family (while not deigning to refer to Kay (“your wife”) by name, even though Kay and Michael have been together for years and years at that point), and minding her own business.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I loved Godfather 2 – especially the flashback/origin-story bits – but I do agree with your take on the role of women in that culture. (I don’t know if anyone’s attempted to revisit the story from, say, Mama Corleone’s viewpoint; that might be… interesting…)

      2. UKDancer*

        I eas Godfather a long while before I watched it and was very surprised the film didn’t feature Lucy and her issue with her lady parts. so much so I wondered if I had imagined it.

        I had to reread the book to check it was there.

        Mario Puzo obviously had some interesting ideas.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Weirdly: I believe Mario Puzo also wrote (or was involved in writing enough to be credited for) the script to the first of the Christopher Redve Superman movies.

        2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          OMG, yes! I read the book when I was a kid and will never forget the saga of Lucy and her parts! Lucy’s adventures were the hottest parts of the book.

    7. Filosofickle*

      Quirky comedy / dramas are my fav — not always easy to find

      This week I started Elsbeth (on Prime with Paramount) and I like it! It’s a spinoff of The Good Wife, the seemingly scattered redhead lawyer now working with the NYPD who isn’t supposed to get involved with investigations but has a knack for noticing the details and getting people to talk. While her character surely isn’t for everyone, I appreciate how unapologetic she is about being A Lot.

      And for comfort I’m rewatching Pushing Daisies (on Max), an old favorite. It had such a short run, sadly! Ned the Pie Maker can bring things back from the dead, but only for 1 minute and there are consequences. Visually stunning, loads of fast paced, quippy dialogue, and a killer cast.

      1. Forensic13*

        I loved that show so much. I’m glad they were able to technically wrap it up, but I still would have loved another season.

        1. Filosofickle*

          I’ll have to try it again — I stopped after 6 episodes or so awhile back. It ticks all my boxes and I like Alan Tudyk, but there’s just…something. I think it’s how loudly awkward and clueless he is, it’s pinging whatever empathy part of my brain can’t handle cringe humor. My guess is that improves over time as he gets better at human-ing.

          1. RC*

            The thing that I couldn’t totally get past for Resident Alien was… there are no alien ground rules! Like he’s an alien, but also he’s a shapeshifter, but the kid can see him as an alien which implies he’s NOT actually a shapeshifter, he’s just actually walking around in his actual alien body the whole time? But then why are they like “oh being in a human body is weird and new for him *laughs*”?? (Completely ignoring the fact that the kid sees him as a humanoid with an alien head and hands, and his actual-alien body is CGI with backwards legs and whatnot; this is obviously just for practical effects reasons) I felt like they never really established the ground rules for how his alien tech works (also then starting in Season 2 he can randomly erase memories or something?), and that irked me. You can get away with a lot of fiction in my scifi as long as you at least have some handwavy explanation as to why this situation is possible.

            Anyway the acting goes a long way to make up for it, but that part did irk me a lot, heh.

    8. Six Feldspar*

      I’m watching Columbo for the first time and enjoying it, and I can definitely see its impacts on so many later detective shows!

      4. Six Feldspar*

        It’s also funny because I know Peter Falk well but only from an old movie my family would watch often when I was a kid (The Great Race, if anyone recognises it). He’s such a different character in Columbo!

      5. David Rose*

        Yesssss I love Columbo! Those costumes and sets were just so decadent, and of course everyone’s favorite brilliant “bumbling” detective is the best part.

      6. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Columbo is the absolute best! The first three seasons are just gold all the way through. The later seasons are a little more hit or miss, but still contain many great episodes. Some of the best of the later episodes, in my opinion, are Exercise in Fatality, Now You See Him, Try and Catch Me, Murder Under Glass, How to Dial a Murder, Rest in Peace, Mrs. Columbo, and Columbo Goes to College.

    9. GoryDetails*

      At the moment I’m watching reruns of “Forged in Fire” – because my internet is broken and my TV won’t change channels without internet access, so I’m stuck on this channel until it’s fixed. I don’t mind *that* much – it’s fun watching people forge things and break things and stab things, etc. – but I am missing a couple of shows I’d ordinarly be watching.

      Other recent watches: Wolf Hall, which has come around on PBS again – possibly as an intro to the next season/book? – and which I find as entrancing as the first time, for its settings and for the quiet, intense performance by Mark Rylance (one of those “will watch anything he’s in” actors for me).

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        Yes, they’re adapting the final book for TV. Not sure when they’re going to show them, but they’ve already been filmed so hopefully soon!

        2. Beansontoast*

          Wolf Hall: The Mirror and the Light is being shown on the BBC in the UK tonight so should be available for overseas viewers soon.

    10. Molybenum26*

      Is anyone else watching Arcane on Netflix before the new season comes out? Both the story and the animation is amazing. My teenagers got me into it and now they’re applying for college programs for exactly that type of creation.

      1. Luocha*

        Yep, I plan to watch it when I get home. Apparently it’s one of the most expensive animation projects ever, and it shows. I don’t know if a show like that will ever be made again due to funding and logistical constraints.

      2. MCL*

        I loved Arcane. I’m an animation fan, and I loved that the show is visually stunning with great writing and a stellar cast. I’m also enjoying The Legend of Vox Machina (a little silly sometimes but solid dnd fantasy fare) on HBO, re-watched Avatar: The Last Airbender, and really enjoying The Dragon Prince/Mystery of Aaravos on Netflix. There are some really great fantasy animated shows lately!

    11. Mitchell Hundred*

      The Wild Robot was very good, but I’m still not quite sure how I feel about the ending.

    12. Professor Plum*

      I’ve enjoyed the new Matlock on CBS. It’s clever and sassy with just enough twisty elements—initially revealed at the end of the first episode. Plus Kathy Bates!

      1. Happily Retired*

        :-D The freeze-frame with him apparently balancing on one hind paw, like a martial-arts master twirling a sword, is just perfect.

    14. The Prettiest Curse*

      I’ve just started Generation Z, which is Ben Wheatley’s first TV series. It’s about a town where all the old people turn into zombies due to a chemical leak. It’s good fun to watch some of the UK’s most distinguished character actors trying to eat people’s faces off. (Be warned that there’s a gory dog death in the first episode.)

      I’m also finishing series 2 of Vigil, which is about a bi woman police officer who investigates military-associated crimes. Each series is a self-contained story, and this one is about the aftermath of a drone-based weapons test gone wrong. It’s far-fetched and has so many plot twists and so much double-crossing, but it’s also really entertaining!

    15. allathian*

      Finished Enterprise this week. The last season, with the notable exception of the finale, is my all-time favorite Trek.

      Started the 4th season of Only Murders in the Building and I’m really enjoying that.

      1. allathian*

        Also finished Percy Jackson and the Olympians. I enjoyed it, my favorite part is when they find Mount Olympus at the top of the Empire State Building. A very talented cast of teenagers.

    16. Ron McDon*

      I binge-watched Nobody Wants This on Netflix last weekend – I love a ‘will they, won’t they’ romance, and I really enjoyed this series. It was funny and sweet, and I love anything Kristin Bell does!

      Basically, he’s a newly-single rabbi, she’s an agnostic sex podcaster – what could go wrong?! Entertaining and thought provoking.

      1. RC*

        I don’t know that I was totally on board with them as a couple, but either of those actors alone could have chemistry with a piece of wet toast, so I did generally enjoy it.

        (Incidentally they were both “contestants” on different seasons of Burning Love, the Bachelor parody, which is also an excellent watch with a bunch of hilarious people— she’s the Christian contestant for whom telling jokes is against her religion, he’s the Jewish contestant who lowkey hopes maybe the bachelorette might convert?)

    17. English Rose*

      I’m binge watching the most recent Marple series which is available here in the UK on ITVX. Not quite as good as the Joan Hickson originals (they’ve branded them ‘Marple’ as opposed to ‘Miss Marple’ and given her a romantic back story) but still good fun.

      1. Pharmgirl*

        Oh I loved the original! Hope it is available in the US, I will definitely have to look for it.

    18. Seashell*

      I rewatched the first two seasons of Somebody Somewhere and am now on the third season. I’m enjoying it. It’s been long enough that I had forgotten some of the details from the first two seasons.

      *possible spoiler alert*
      I’m confused that they haven’t really addressed what happened with Sam & Tricia’s parents. I know the actor who played the dad died in real life before season 2, but the character just got sent away to visit family and they made vague allusions to missing him. The mom was last seen getting taken to a hospital to get her psych meds straightened out, and I think there was a vague reference to a nursing home bill in the new episodes, but there was also something where Sam & Tricia basically said, “We’re the last ones left in the family.” I think I would have preferred if the new season came back with “Mom & Dad died six months ago, and we’re sad but OK.”

    19. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Has anyone watched any of the new Dune series on Max about the early days of the Bene Gesserit?

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I did too, and I actually enjoy the Brian Herbert Dune books (the series comes primarily from his Sisterhood of Dune storyline, as I understand it) better than the original set, so I am quite interested.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            I haven’t read any of them — I keep meaning to and then I never get around to it. But I will at some point.

    20. RC*

      Re-(re-re-re-re-)watching The Good Place, and it never gets old. Still recommend 1000%.

      Also watching Taskmaster (there’s a UK and Aus season running now, and the latest NZ wrapped recently, although none of those other Taskmasters are nearly as good as Greg). If you’re new to it I’d start with Series 7 (featuring James Acaster, the origin story of “the Knappett,” and the Welsh chaos that is Rhod Gilbert). I think Taskmaster Junior dropped yesterday but I was busy so we haven’t watched yet. But I <3 Rose and Mike so I’m looking forward to that.

        1. RC*

          Jeremy Bearimy just happened to be where I was at in the chronology late Tuesday, and obviously that was a particularly Peeps Chili of nihilism time.

      2. Tiny clay insects*

        The task where James, Rhod, and Phil build the extension is one of the best TV moments I have ever seen.

    21. Pieforbreakfast*

      Binged first two seasons of Travelers on Netflix this week. A time traveling team returns to the 21st century to perform missions given them by The Director to help change the future for better outcomes. Between missions they have to live and work as citizens in the current time stream. I love time travel stories and this does it really well.

      1. Seashell*

        I enjoyed the documentary, but I definitely have mixed feelings about Martha based on what was in it.

    23. Just Another Cog*

      Watching Cheers from the beginning. Was a newlywed when it first aired and we didn’t have a TV (too broke, then). I have seen episodes out of order over the years and just decided to watch it in order. (Beats watching ANY news – for now).

    24. All Monkeys are French*

      Just finished the first season of Ludwig with David Mitchell and I really enjoyed it.

    25. Elizabeth West*

      I got the Disney+ Hulu and Max bundle to save a little money, and I found How It’s Made on Max. I’m watching it from the end backward, because every time I try to binge it from the beginning, it gets moved and I never finish. It’s soothing my brain right now in the midst of all this turmoil.

      Also finished Agatha All Along and I loved it; I hope they do more. I’ve been going around endlessly singing “Down, down, down the road, down the witches’ road!” :D

    26. Fatigued_Geologist*

      Desert Bus for Hope. It’s a yearly charity livestream that is full of silly gag bits for Child’s Play charity.

      It’s entertaining and low stress. Also PG, so every swear is replaced with Bus. (It’s very calming, but if you’re looking for plot, it doesn’t have one.) I’m enjoying the silly bits and writing with it in the background.

    27. Hannah Lee*

      Here are a couple of things I’ve watched recently and enjoyed – They all have fantastic characters and performances, a quest/mystery at the core and include drama and comedy.

      Bodkin (Netflix) – following 2 British journalists and an American podcaster looking into an old missing persons case in a small village in Cork County Ireland. Interesting characters, lots of twists with humor, drama good dose of small village, crime family and Samhain-related shenanigans.

      Beforeigners (was HBO/Max now Amazon) – from Norway, about the investigation into a murder and two people who appear, suddenly and mysteriously, in Oslo. They are the first of many from the past to seek refuge in present time. Very different, with supernatural events. The two lead characters really drew me in and are entertaining and complex.

      His Three Daughters (Netflix) – about 3 sisters gathering at their dad’s home as his health is failing. Touching, slow paced, heart breaking and uplifting too.

      Agatha All Along (Disney+) – I thought WandaVision was brilliant, an amazing and unique exploration of grief and family. This a the spin off following one of the characters from that. I don’t think you needed to have seen WandaVision to enjoy this. The story and characters stand on their own, even if some of the references may take some time to make sense. The first episode takes some time to ramp up (and reveal its layers) but from there it’s a pretty straightforward, well-done imaginative quest story with a talented cast.

      1. Hannah Lee*

        Also, not something to watch, but I highly recommend giving Cabin Pressure a listen.

        It’s a comedy from BBC radio, with Benedict Cumberbatch, Stephanie Cole and Roger Allam, created by the ‘brilliant’ John Finnemore. (Anthony Stewart Head shows up in a recurring role in later episodes) I laughed my *** off and still laugh out loud when I do a re-listen … and sometimes when just remembering a particularly funny scene. It’s about an independent 1 airplane airline … which they refer to as an ‘airdot’ because you can’t have an airline with just the one plane.

  3. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs.

    I’m currently reading The Kaiju Preservation Society by John Scalzi based on a recommendation from someone here last week. I’m enjoying it a lot, and so far since I’m still having lots of Feelings about :: waves hand generally at the last week:: it’s the only thing I’ve been able to read this week. Thank goodness for light reading.

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Tried Agatha Christie’s *Endless Night*. The payoff was pretty good, but I skipped a lot of the middle because I got a little bored.

      Going to read some of Truman Capote’s journalism next.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        And yes, I’m aiming for relatively light reading too right now.

    2. word nerd*

      This week I’ve been shifting between dark (The Known World by Edward P. Jones and The Vegetarian by Han Kang) and light/comfort (Excellent Women by Barbara Pym, which I’m kind of meh on so far, and Steerswoman by Rosemary Kirstein). I read Steerswoman on Election Day since I promised I wouldn’t look at any results until the next morning, and then The Vegetarian on Wednesday once I found out, ha. It matched my mood perfectly. It’s an intense, strange, allegorical book that I definitely don’t think is for everyone, but I got absorbed by it and the emotions it stirred up. I’ll probably do Octavia Butler’s Kindred for my next grim read.

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        The Vegetarian is one of those books that years later, I have strong visual images and memories of, but still don’t know how I feel about them…

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      A Sorceress Comes to Call, by T Kingfisher, a retelling of the goose girl.

      Rereading the early Meg Langslow mysteries.

    4. Teapot Translator*

      I’m reading A murder is Announced, third Marple book. Still in a reading slump, so it’s slow going.

        1. Ron McDon*

          Me too! It’s a book that when I read it for the first time, and read the solution, I flipped back through as I couldn’t believe the clues had been in plain sight … and was flabbergasted at the skilful way a name drop here, an innocuous comment there, had laid a trail throughout the book. Really masterful plotting and storytelling.

          I’m a huge Agatha Christie fan; my Mum owns every one of her books, and now I have most of them too (she had lots of doubles!).

          I set myself a challenge when I was about 18/19 to read each of her books, in the order they were written. Sadly, the plotting decreased greatly right towards the end of Agatha Christie’s life; I remember reading one book where I’d worked out the clue within the first chapter as it was practically standing on a chair shouting ‘look at me! I’m the solution!’. But the early works are still peerless, in my opinion.

          I’d recommend The Mysterious Affair at Styles, Sad Cypress and Peril at End House. Death on the Nile is still the most ingenious plot I’ve read, and I always watch the Peter Ustinov TV movie every year when it’s on TV!

          1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            I agree with you that the later-written books (*Curtain* was written much earlier than published) degenerated in some measure–*Passenger to Frankfurt* in particular just kind of drifts off at the end. I believe that there was a theory that Christie was battling Alzheimer’s/dementia in her later years, and the proponent(s) backed that up by an analysis of the complexity of the words and sentences Christie used in the earlier books vs. the complexity of those in the later books. I’m just impressed Christie had the reserve brainpower and the sheer will to continue to write these books while trying to deal with cognitive decline. I can’t imagine the pressure she felt to produce “another Christie for Christmas,” as she once put it.

            1. UKDancer*

              Yes I think you can definitely see a tailing off in quality and a greater tendency to ramble in the later stories (I mean Postern of Fate is unreadable and Passenger to Frankfurt goes on way too much). Christie was definitely better in her earlier works. I listen to the audio books of Hugh Fraser reading them while I do my embroidery because I love the soothing way he reads.

          2. goddessoftransitory*

            I love Mia Farrow in that movie: when Poirot says to her “do not allow evil into your heart; it will make a home there,” and she replies “If love can’t live there, evil will do just as well.” She really sells this woman who is projecting one thing while doing something quite different.

            1. Teapot Translator*

              I want to see that movie adaptation! I’m just waiting for it to be shown on one of the streaming platforms that I have.

              1. Ron McDon*

                Teapot Translator – I would definitely recommend thePeterUstinov/Mia Farrow version over the more recent Kenneth Branagh one. There were elements of the KB one that I liked, but didn’t like the (very obvious) CGI, the opening prologue (unnecessary, IMO) and Branagh himself doesn’t feel as though he ‘is’ Poirot, it feels very much as though he’s ‘acting’ Poirot.

                I rather liked the Haunting in Venice film, but felt again that the solution was rather heavy-handedly flagged up throughout it – but the two people I watched it with were flummoxed as to what the solution was going to be, and shocked that I’d worked it out. But I do read/watch a lot of detective fiction (it’s my favourite genre), so I’m always looking out for clues, I guess!

                Sorry – I’m derailing!

                1. UKDancer*

                  I hate Branagh’s take on Poirot I just don’t think he understands the character at all. Also the moustache looks really silly on him.

                  I love the Suchet series because I feel he captured the essence of the character and looks just as I’d expect. I also love the supporting cast, Philip Jackson is exactly what Japp should be. Ustinov I can take or leave, I mean he’s not my favourite but the films are quite good and the supporting cast are usually good. I love “Evil under the Sun” with Diana Rigg and Maggie Smith being very catty with each other.

          3. allathian*

            Seconding all of those. I’d also recommend The Murder of Roger Ackroyd and Murder on the Orient Express.

            Of the later Christie books, my favorite is The Mirror Crack’d from Side to Side, one reason why I like it is that it’s set in the same house as The Body in the Library and features some of the same characters. For some reason the intrusions of modern sixties and seventies life bother me less in the Marples than the Poirots.

            1. Ron McDon*

              I love the Mirror Crack’d – it’s a fantastic read and solution, and it’s rumoured to be based on a real-life event that happened to a Hollywood star (spoiler alert for the solution!)

              One book that I liked was They do it with Mirrors, but all three of the tv/film adaptations I’ve seen I’ve disliked – they just seem to go so over the top!

      2. allathian*

        I’m reading The Murder of Roger Ackroyd, the second Agatha Christie book I ever read, the first was Murder on the Orient Express. I’ve read both more than 20 times since my early teens. They were among the first non-YA fiction I ever read.

        1. English Rose*

          Also on an Agatha Christie kick, with a series of her short stories pulled together into seasonal themes. A bit of light relief.

        2. libellulebelle*

          I am also currently on a Christie kick! I’ve read a bunch of the later Miss Marples, and am currently reading The Man in the Brown Suit, which is more of a thriller than a cozy mystery.

    5. Ann Martin*

      just finished The Bright Sword, a VERY different retelling of the Arthurian saga, but by one who knows and loves it. caution: over 600 pages long. By Lev Grossman

      1. Lilo*

        I honestly found this book really depressing. I like Grossman’s other work but this book felt like the theme was “everything is terrible and God hates you”.

    6. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      I picked up Mary Roach’s Fuzz today ($2.99 on Kindle & other ebook sites). I love her books, and this one has started out good. It’s about animals committing “crimes” (i.e., doing what they do naturally) and the humans that deal with it. The first chapter she attended a workshop on identifying deaths caused by bears and other carnivores and how you determine which animal did the killing and whether it was accidental/self-defense/on purpose. She references a true crime case where a hiker’s death was declared death by cougar, but was actually a fellow human with an ice pick.

    7. Corporate Refugee*

      Kaiju is an excellent book.

      I can’t think of a John Scalzi book that I didn’t enjoy immensely.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      You Like it Darker, Stephen King’s latest collection. It’s pretty good! Some stories are very short and a couple are novella-length, but he uses the length well. I especially like Danny Coughlin’s Bad Dream so far.

      2. Former teacher, forever educator*

        I have been picking away at You Like It Darker. This week I read “Rattlesnakes”. I think it’s the best story he’s written in a long while. Actually gave me a scare, which isn’t easy!

    9. Filosofickle*

      Reading has been my coping mechanism this week. That, and eating my weight in snack foods.

      The Last Flight, Julie Clark: Compelling thriller, about two women (strangers) fleeing danger in their lives swap tickets at the airport to disappear. Solid.

      The Paris Novel, Ruth Reichl. I liked it but didn’t love it as much as I hoped. As much as I think of myself as a foodie, it felt a bit too overdone at times and a lot of the textures sounded gross! Enjoyed the Paris setting and literary characters.

      Aunt Dimity and the Heart of Gold, Nancy Atherton: Nothing like Aunt Dimity when things are hard — even within the cozy mystery genre, it’s especially gentle and comforting reading without being too twee.

      Midnight Riot, Ben Aaronovitch. I think this rec came from AAM! Described as if Harry Potter became a cop, and that sounds right. Pretty good, I’ll try the next one in the series.

      To Track a Traitor, Iona Whishaw. She’s one of my favorite authors these days, the series is primarily set in post-WWII British Columbia. Though this one goes to to Scotland and England and dips into war spycraft. Lane Winslow is a great lead character.

      The Word is Murder, Anthony Horowitz. Loved! A real writer making creating a fictional version of himself as a main character working with a detective to write a true crime novel…it felt unique. I was a big fan of Foyle’s War on TV, written by Horowitz.

      The Divorcees, Rowan Beaird. Not sure how I feel about this one. A ranch in Reno, 1950s, where women stay for 6 weeks to get a divorce. Reviews said rollicking thriller, deeply compelling, and a riveting page-turner — I thought it was just okay, even a little boring.

      I started Anne of Avonlea but the pacing was too slow right now — too much room for icky thoughts to get in. So I switched back to faster paced stories.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Midnight Riot (published as Rivers of London outside the US) is fantastic! Definitely recommend that series!

        1. Missa Brevis*

          My light read for this week was the most recent novella from that series, The Masquerades of Spring, and it was exactly what I needed.

        2. OtterB*

          I really like the Ben Aaronovich series too. I liked it from the beginning and have liked it more and more as it goes on.

      2. Bluebell Brenham*

        A friend recommended The Last Flight to me. I liked it. Mary Kubica’s thrillers hold up pretty well.

    10. Six Feldspar*

      About to finish Post Captain by Patrick O’Brien, the second in the Aubrey & Maturin series.

      After that I’ll get into the next one in the series or the horror stories I picked up for Halloween last week.

        1. Six Feldspar*

          I love the series, especially the very first scene in Master and Commander! HMS surprise is next for me and I’m looking forward to discovering it again.

    11. GoryDetails*

      Newest carrying-around book: The President’s Hat by Antoine Laurain, another of his whimsical slice-of-life novels. This one’s centered around a felt hat that French President Mitterand left behind at a restaurant, and which has been altering the lives of each person who found it – though so far only the first guy realized whose hat it really was.

      In the Waves by Rachel Lance, a look at the Confederate submarine Hunley, from an interesting viewpoint: the author is a biomedical researcher into blast and pressure injuries, and first got interested in the Hunley because the skeletons of its crew were found still neatly in their assigned seats when the sunken craft was raised over a century after its disappearance. I’ve read other books on the Hunley, but the author’s perspective is an interesting one – as are the details of her attempts to collaborate with other scientists working on the Hunley. Academia is apparently quite the minefield!

        1. Six Feldspar*

          Around this time eight years ago I happened to read Carpe Jugulum and that was also strangely comforting…

          I love Feet of Clay, it might be my favourite Discworld book!

    13. Valancy Stirling*

      Reading The Secret Garden, and I’m desperately wishing I had a yard so I could plant a garden.

    14. RagingADHD*

      Slow going on Northanger Abbey. I keep being out of pocket on book club night for various reasons, so I’m not getting my chapters done.

    15. Rara Avis*

      4 very different books.

      North Woods by Daniel Mason. A spot in western MA across 400 years with all the inhabitants. Not a single happy ending, but really compelling writing.

      Winter’s Gifts by Ben Aaronivitch. A novella in the Rivers of London series, but this one is set in Wisconsin. A cop procedural with magic.

      Book, Beast, and Crow by Elizabeth Byrne. YA fantasy.

      Obitchuary by Spencer and Reyes. Subtitled The Big Hot Book of Death.

    16. RedinSC*

      Just finished the 3rd of the Unholy Island books by Sarah Painter – The Island God.

      I’ve enjoyed all 3 of them, they’re very light reads with a paranormal bent.

    17. Mornington Crescent*

      I’m a little ways into ‘Paper and Blood’ by Kevin Hearne, the second in his ‘Ink and Sigil’ series.
      I really enjoyed the first one, and this one feels like it’s going to be as good too. I’ve seen that the third is out now too so hopefully the library will get it soon!

    19. Bibliovore*

      I read the new Richard Osman which wasn’t part of the series. We Solve Murders. It was delightful.
      And I believe recommended here was Suburban Dicks- slyly humorous/socially insightful murder mystery set in New Jersey suburbs. By Fabian Nicieza. Would love to see this one as a netflix series.
      It was a hard week at work, hard week in the world, these were the perfect distractions.

      1. PhyllisB*

        Yes!! I was coming here to mention the new Richard Osman. I was at the library last week and the librarian walked up to me and handed it to me saying, “we just got this in. I believe you’ll like it.” I did!! I never thought a book dealing with money laundering and murder could be so funny!!

    20. Loopy*

      I havent been here in a long while, but popping in to ask if anyone has any beloved fantasy books or series to recommend, a bonus if there’s some romance thrown in (I think the term these days is romantasy). I need some of my chosen escapism genre. I have read all of the Sarah J Mas books.

      Trying to avoid anything particularly dark or set in any way in the real world at the moment. I thought the Poppy Wars trilogy was great but am not in the headspace for it! I’ve read a lot of Leigh Bardugo, V.E. Schwab and a massive favorite is Naomi Novik. Outside of fantasy, I love Becky Chambers.

      1. Genevieve*

        I asked the same thing a bit ago here, and the recs I got and have already read and loved were The Adventures of Amina Al-Sirafi, by Shannon Chakraborty (loved the writing, with no shade at all to SJM, this one felt more…literary. Also less spice, sadly, but still engaging) and the Scholomance series by Naomi Novik (more YA…kinda like a dark Hogwarts meets Hunger Games but I absolutely devoured it and I loved the world building). I’ve also heard great things about Naomi Novik’s other series, apparently they’re a bit different. Those are on my list as soon as I finish Throne of Glass and Crescent City.

        1. Genevieve*

          Gahh sorry I missed that you already read Naomi Novik. I really recommend Amina Al-Sirafi, then! It’s no darker than Scholomance and has the same hopeful themes. The only downside is it’s the first of a trilogy and the other books haven’t been written yet!! But it’s not really a cliffhanger (lookin’ at you, The Last Graduate).

          1. Loopy*

            Thank you! I’ve read the amina book and agree, I LOVED IT. I dont mind lack of spice, especially with really good characters. Also ah sorry to repeat an ask, I havent been on any weekend threads lately. Do you recall roughly when that was? happy to go back and check out your thread!

      2. cleo*

        I was excited to answer this, since I’ve been reading fantasy for more than 40 years, and I have a lot of favorites to suggest, but I keep deleting my recs as I remember, oh yes, that one gets pretty dark. Or oh wait, that one’s set in the real world-ish.

        So here’s a mix of recent and older books

        Cozy fantasy recs:

        Legends and Lattes by Travis Baldtree

        Sword Crossed by Freya Marske (this is fun but not quite as good as her trilogy The Last Binding, imo, but the trilogy gets pretty dark)

        Shipwrecked: being a tale of true love, magic and goats by Juniper Butterworth – goblin-core cozy fantasy with a lovely low key sapphic romance

        Lady Eve’s Last Con is a space opera / heist caper with a sapphic romance

        Old favorites from the 80s and 90s that I think hold up well

        Sorcery and Cecelia by Patricia Wrede and Caroline Stevermer – epistolary novel set in alt Regency England, with magic.

        War for the Oaks by Emma Bull (early urban fantasy, before the genre was flooded with sexy werewolves and vampires.)

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        T Kingfisher’s Saint of Steel series, starts with Paladin’s Grace. The surviving paladins of the Saint of Steel gradually meet interesting people and pair off happily. The background world is great (same as her Wizard’s Guide to Defensive Baking, Clockwork Boys, etc).

      4. word nerd*

        The Memoirs of Lady Trent Series by Marie Brennan (starting with A Natural History of Dragons) if you like Victorian sciencey stuff

        Enchanted Forest Chronicles by Patricia Wrede (starting with Dealing with Dragons)–more middle grade if you’re looking for something sweet

        The Harper Hall Trilogy by Anne McCaffrey (technically scifi, but cmon, dragons, and I love the strong female character)

        … so I guess I like dragons?

      5. carcinization*

        Maybe left-field but I just finished Diane Duane’s The Door Into Fire which is an oldie but a goodie with some fairly unconventional romance(s) in it.

      6. Clara Bowe*

        I will forever throw down for Beware of Chicken by Casualfarmer. The fourth book drops on the 19th, and I am READY. Super cozy, super wholesome.

    21. Mobie's Mom Now*

      The Bang Bang Sisters by Rio Youers. Finished last night. Sisters who have their own band that tours the country, giving them the opportunity and providing cover for them to bring vigilante justice to criminals who are guilty of crimes but are still free. I liked it!

    22. Happily Retired*

      It was finally my turn on the library hold list for Somewhere Beyond the Sea, the sequel to TJ Klune’s House in the Cerulean Sea. I’m sad to say that I was kind of disappointed, in contrast to the first book, which I loved. It does continue the story of the delightful magical children and the adults associated with them, but holy cow, it was a good 25% too long and very teach-y. It felt let being hit repeatedly over the head with a 2×4, beating the metaphor (and reader) into the ground. Good grief, the head evil person’s name was such an obvious take-off on Joanne (JK) Rowling… But it has a lot of important and inspirational messages about standing up to prejudice and authoritarian government, and I checked it out on the day after the election, so.

      I returned it this morning (long hold list for it!), and now I’m alternating Octavia Butler’s Kindred, which is amazing, involving a Black woman’s unwilling time travel to pre-Civil War Maryland, with a few Donna Andrews Meg Langslow books, which I lovingly categorize as “popcorn books,” light but entertaining novels when I need to decompress. This series is rescued from the cozies genre (to me), because they have lots of snark as well as dead bodies. They’re also good examples of the importance of setting boundaries against ridiculous families and friends!

    23. Untitled*

      Reading A Place for Us (Fatima Farheen Mirza), which I think someone mentioned last week or the week before. I’ve had the ARC on my shelf for awhile so decided to try it. Thinking of re-reading Hannah Arendt’ s The Origins of Totalitarianism next.

        1. Untitled*

          Yes, that is the one that really stuck with me, too. (I read it in grad school and ended up writing my thesis on South Africa/the TRC.)

    24. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. (again)

      Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

        1. Happily Retired*

          High five to both of you! Jim >>>>>>>>>> Ned Nickerson every day, any day.

          – but besides that (although I won’t back down), Trixie Belden was much more believable, including algebra struggles and trying to get out of doing chores.

          1. Trixie Belden was my hero*

            Trixie is a better well rounded character, Nancy was older and more privileged, less relatable.
            I was closer to Trixie’s age and identified with her struggles and family. Plus JIM! I think he was the first romantic character I encountered.

    26. Ali + Nino*

      Just finished Diary of a Provincial Lady by Delafield on recommendation from someone here – loved it and didn’t want it to end!

    27. Bluebell Brenham*

      Trying to read lighter fare this week. I finished and liked Summers at the Saint by Mary Kay Andrews, though it combines mystery w the usual Southern romance. All over the Place by Geraldine de Ruiter was good humor essays. Now on Swiped by LM Chilton- mystery where a woman’s app dates keep showing up dead.

    28. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Finished a collection of Capote’s journalism/memoir just now–*Music for Chamelons*. Overall, I liked it, though not every piece has a tidy ending. I suppose that’s life. The most interesting revelation to me was that, at least as a child, Capote wanted to be a girl. I had no idea there was a trans facet of Capote’s life.

    29. OtterB*

      Here’s a new one that makes good comfort reading: The Teller of Small Fortunes, by Julie Leong. Fantasy road trip, developing a found family. Not a romance. A few spots the plot turns seemed a little too easy, but for me for now better that than grim.

      I have been reading Nathan Lowell’s Solar Clipper series. It begins with Quarter Share. Trading ships with solar sails. Ishmael Wang badly needs a job and signs on as a mess attendant on a freighter. I read the first two years ago and liked the first one, wasn’t wild about the second. I hadn’t realized how many more had been published since then. Besides the 6 in the original series, there are several interlocking series. If you like science fiction about trade and books where competence and kindness wins the day (eventually) I recommend them. They are on Amazon Unlimited if that helps.

    1. ReliefVet*

      I don’t see more details on the question yet, but here’s a rough generalized flowchart. Question 3 presumes you are in the USA.

      1 I, myself, have been injured by this cat Y/N

      If Yes, please get thee to urgent care and figure out the cat later. I know this is a compassionate question and I deeply appreciate your willingness to help an injured animal in need. So I need to say that cat bites, in particular, are full of some of the worst bacteria you’ll find in mouths anywhere (except primates) and cat fangs can get those bacteria in deep. I once spent a little over a week unable to use either of my hands because I foolishly ignored this. In addition, the *rabies* vaccination status of this cat is not known, and you likely haven’t been vaccinated against rabies yourself (as animal care professionals often have to be). Infectious disease is no joke and elapsed time can be important here for your own health.

      2 I can catch this cat without risk of injury to myself Y/N

      If No, not much you can do here. Please don’t risk your own health.

      3 I am willing to take on the financial burden of veterinary care for this cat Y/N

      If Yes: Recommend getting the cat to urgent care. Probably needs evaluation by a professional. Worth phoning ahead to let them know that what’s coming is feral and injured.

      If No: Call your local animal control or animal shelter and ask for advice. Naturally it’s Friday evening; I know, ain’t it always the way. If they are closed, call your local veterinary urgent care / emergency, describe appearance of injuries, and ask for advice.

      Good luck, I hope you’re safe, and I hope the cat ends up doing okay!

      1. Old Plant Woman*

        Thank you relief vet. Much appreciated. Cat’s injured, not me. Spent hours looking for assistance. This area is overloaded and I got lots of kudos but no help. I can pay vet bills.
        .

    2. Old Plant Woman*

      A fifteen week old feral cat with an eye injury has adopted me. My shop has a cat door, heater, cat bed, food and water for a long term community cat I share with my wonderful cat loving neighbor. Spunky walked in, said howdy, ate out of my hand but wouldn’t let me touch him. So I nabbed him and hauled him off to be tortured by the vet. Now he’s scared of me. But he has to go back for surgery. I’ll skip ugly details but trust me it’s essential. How on earth am I going to catch him? Cat loving neighbors have ideas. I need all ideas. Please help. Thanks.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Oh, you want a trap. Line the bottom with several layers of newspaper and put a paper plate with some really stinky delicious food inside (like sardines). Cover the whole thing with a towel so it’s a cave. Absent yourself.

        You will need to figure out how to keep the other cat from going in. Can your neighbor keep it inside their garage or something for few hours?

      2. ReliefVet*

        Your local shelter will also have ideas, as will any rescues in the area and your vet. Collect ’em and use what suits your situation best. You’ve got this! <3

        You gained his trust enough to snag him the first time. You can do it again, but it might require more patience the second time round. Treats and a calm demeanor over time is one approach. A cat trap like those used for trap-neuter-release (you can often borrow these) is another.

        Best of luck to you and to Spunky. Thank you for helping him.

          1. ReliefVet*

            You’re very welcome, and yep I see it!

            I like RagingADHD’s detail on the use of the cat trap. (Wacky off-the-wall idea: borrow TWO of these. Set them both up, some distance from each other. If long term community cat goes in one, there’s still a chance Spunky will go in the other; simply let community cat out when you get back in the morning. No success the first night? Neighborhood cat will super duper avoid the traps after having been in one and you can try try try again for Spunky.)

            If you’re trapping him, odds are that the timing of your success won’t line up beautifully with a prearranged veterinary appointment. You might wind up having to sequester him in a bathroom for a while, or even (if your vet is equipped for this) bring him in to have him boarded in their cat condo area while awaiting his procedure date and time. If he’s in your bathroom there’s something to be said for a Stockholm syndrome like thing with wild ones of around that age. You can keep coming by with food and a calm voice and a gentle demeanor, and he may warm up to you in the day(s) he’s in there.

      3. Talyllyn*

        I did TNR on an entire colony of ferals, 21 cats in all. A TNR group may be able to lend you a trap but we also bought a few at Ace hardware. Search for tomahawk live trap. The snap style works for most but we had to use a drop trap with a string to get the wisest matron.

        Ragingadhd has the goods on how to set it up. We did not cover the trap beforehand tho. We used sardines, make sure to include a bit of the oil as that’s the stinkiest! It’s pretty loud when it snaps shut. Ideally you want to be near enough to hear the snap so you can go out quickly. They freak out for a minute so likely the sardines are all over the place. Fully cover the trap with a drape and that will calm the cat.

        The traps open from both sides, just make sure you know how to work it before you have a cat in there. You’ll want to have a couple small bowls for food and water and a bunch of newspaper. Push back the drape enough to expose one end and the cat naturally will shrink back to the other end where they can hide. Pull out dirty newspaper and put in several layers of clean. Close the end and recover. Repeat for the other end to change that newspaper. Leave the trap covered all the time to keep the cat calm. Wear gloves and have a trash bag as the paper will have urine and possibly poop.

        It sounds like you have a vet but make sure the vet knows and accepts they’ll be treating a feral. The TNR group may have a vet recommendation. We had a county place where we could do a neuter and ear tip (the sign a feral cat has been neutered) for a big discount. Not sure about other surgeries tho. Bring the cat in the trap. They’ll sedate the cat thru the trap and only take him out for surgery when he’s asleep.

        Make sure to find ours how long you need to keep him in the trap for post surgery recovery. Just make sure to do the newspaper food and water change twice a day.

        Don’t be surprised if after you release him he shoots away for a few days. But keep providing good food and shelter and I bet he’ll come back.

        Thank you for helping him! You have a good heart.

    3. RagingADHD*

      In addition to Relief Vet’s good advice, check your local Facebook groups for a TNR organization. They can probably recommend a vet that will take ferals (not all do), and they might be able to help with trapping.

    4. Old Plant Woman*

      What do you think of this plan? Build luxury suite in spare room. Borrow trap. Start few days early to trap cat and move inside. Surgery is scheduled for Thursday. My wonderful young energetic cat savvy neighbors said they are sure they can catch him inside and put him in a carrier. After surgery he’ll have to stay inside until Elizabethan collar can come off. Vet office had no trouble handling him.
      How do I get in and out of the room without him escaping? Do you think he will back away from me or try to get out?
      Do you see any problems with this plan? Thanks so much!

      1. skadhu*

        We ended up with 2 mostly feral cats, acquired at 7 months old. What worked for us: a closed room in which we spent a lot of time (partner’s office) plus a comfy armchair cats could hide under. They could always hide but if necessary we could get them out. We made sure the room had multiple hiding places but none that were not accessible to us. By choice they always hid vs trying to escape when we entered. After that: lots of time ignoring them interspersed with occasionally hauling them out for a very quick pat and immediately putting the down next to the hidey hole. The key was not restraining them for any length of time. After not too long theystarted coming outwhile we were there, longer pats were tolerated, etc. Gradual process that tried to find a balance between making them interact and not pushing too hard so that they would learn we were safe and provided good things. It worked for us, we now have happy cuddly cats

    5. Cat and dog fosterer*

      I do TNR and the best thing you can do to trap is find expert trappers. I would suggest starting a week before if possible because they seem to know what’s up.

      Everyone I know who does TNR uses XL metal dog crates for up to about 3 weeks (it’s not great longterm). There is enough room for litterbox, food and water dishes, carrier to hide in, and about a third left over for a lounging space. For privacy, to keep the cat feeling safe, cover it with a sheet and cover the carrier with a towel. If he’s comfortable a couple days after surgery then you might be able to let him out in the room but with a big surgery they often prefer having friendly and feral cats in a small space for a week while the incision heals.

      If you can’t borrow a crate then have hidey spots in the room so he hides in there when you go in the room. But make those spots boxes and crates, not boxspring mattresses where you can never get them out.

  5. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    My spouse and I just started a co-op game of Stardew Valley to try out the new updates. We’re barely into it but so far having fun. Has anyone else played the co-op version? What did you think?

    1. Amy*

      I love the game Regency Love. You’re essentially a Jane Austen heroine and get to have your own little 19th century choose-your-own-adventure. The art is lovely (almost like watercolor) and the music is soft and tranquil. Highly recommend!

    2. peter b*

      I adore co-op SDV and have been playing nearly weekly with friends for a year (as of last week)! So we started with 1.5 and are currently on the recent patch; we have a set evening of a few hours to play together and it’s been very nice. It lessens the reasonable but anxiety-inducing parts of SDV, namely the time management, and it’s even more fun divvying up goals and whims among the group. When 1.6 (current patch?) released it was super fun to discover new features together, and we finally just got perfection (though I’ve done it solo before).

      This week, I think I’m finally going to start Disco Elysium though. I also would love to finish some smaller games, like Windowsill, but I’m not fussed whether I do or don’t.

    3. Commander Shepard's Favorite Store*

      I took the week off and I’ve been playing Dragon Age: Veilguard pretty much nonstop (adequate distraction from current events). Enjoying it, but it’s definitely not the game I was hoping for, though I *feared* it would be much worse. At this point I don’t think BioWare is capable of reaching their previous heights any more, so…it is what it is and I’ll take it. For a very long time I was pretty sure this game would never be released at all, so can’t complain too much! I’m definitely digging parts of it, and the rest…well, that’s what fanfic is for.

    4. Teapot Translator*

      I’m playing Splash, Fish Sanctuary (on Android, also available on iOS). I love it. Anyone else here playing? Want to exchange friend codes?

      1. RC*

        I started a few weeks ago I think as a rec from here (and I <3 fishies, so). MWHQ

        Have you had your game randomly reset and lose like 12-18h of progress at a time? It’s happened twice to me now and it’s immensely frustrating (although, I suppose, on brand for this week). Am trying to avoid it happening a third time.

        1. RC*

          (P.S. have you found the hack/bug where if you switch your device’s time zone back and forth across the date line, you can get it to trigger >1 daily mission and also >1 daily gift and sometimes >5 friend gifts? I keep wondering when they’ll realize it and fix it, but so far it still works and I definitely don’t mind getting extra missions to work on)

    5. Unkempt Flatware*

      I’ve been playing Zork online and loving it. I had this game on my old DOS computer and while it’s not the same, it’s still fun.

    6. Grilledcheeser*

      I have been playing a LOT of Sky: Children of light this week … a Moomin collab is going on right now!

    8. MJ*

      I recently finished Chants of Senaar and it was outstanding! The ending was totally amazing and I loved the art. Gameplay could sometimes get repetitive, mostly when I lost track of how to navigate the map. Having a walkthrough available helped a ton.

      I’ve been trying Baba is You a couple levels at a time as well. It’s a fantastic game, but I just don’t seem to have the knack for it.

    9. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Hades 2 just put out a big update in early access and I’m super excited! A whole new region bossfights, new characters, and more storyline! Plus I finally beat Chronos for the first time which was very exciting

    10. AnonymousOctopus*

      Stardew is my happy place so I’ve been devouring the update.

      I’ve played co-op before but it made me realize how much I pause when I’m playing by myself! Obviously the time can’t stop for the other player too so I would waste in-game hours doing things like rearranging a chest or my backpack. But the extra social aspect was cool as was working together for goals.

    11. SparklingBlue*

      I FINALLY beat a dungeon I was struggling with on The Legend of Zelda:Echoes of Wisdom–I am pretty far into the game.

  6. ThatGirl*

    I don’t expect any of you to know the real answer to this, but I’m curious if anyone has any theories.

    I live on a quiet suburban street. For literally years, while walking outside, I’ve found cookies in the grass. Almost always the chocolate/vanilla Great Value sandwich style. Not an inherent problem, though our new dog wants to eat any he finds. I assume the squirrels are scattering them around but… where are they coming from?? Who wastes all those cookies? Any ideas?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      There’s a little old couple nearby, and every afternoon, they take tea on their back porch. Chris is POSITIVE that Pat’s favorite treat is the chocolate/vanilla Great Value sandwich cookies, so they make sure to always keep them on hand and serve them with afternoon tea. Pat is deathly afraid that someday Chris will realize that Pat actually hates these cookies and that their feelings will be hurt, so every day Pat waits til Chris isn’t looking and wings them off the side of the deck for the squirrels while loudly expressing their appreciation. (Meanwhile, Chris totally knows but finds it adorable and wonders how long Pat will keep up the charade.)

    2. Incessant Owlbears*

      If squirrels had access to these cookies, they would definitely not leave them lying around on the grass!

      1. ThatGirl*

        Well, I’ve seen the squirrels with the cookies, but also both squirrels and cookies separately on the same walks.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Breakfast bits on my walks I assume are from a kid whose mom stuffs the bagel in his hand as he goes out the door to walk to school, and then he tosses it away. Cookies seem not breakfasty, though, and my hypothetical kid wouldn’t be eating lunch on his way home?

      One time our dog found a piece of chicken. She checked that exact spot on the pavement for remaining chicken molecules for weeks.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I read this as “cows” and boy was that an interesting entry to a story about cookie-based shenanigans in a rural village.

        1. Six Feldspar*

          My naem is Cow
          And wen it’s day
          And humans are
          Working away
          If I should find
          On grassy tracks
          Some cookies out
          I eat the snacks

          2. Aneurin*

            Ahhh the bredlik meme! I’d forgotten all about it, but it’s one of my favourites – and a very nice rendition here!

              1. Cardboard Marmalade*

                Name checks out! (I love the Teixcalaan series so much!)

                (For those who haven’t read it, it’s a sci-fi series about a culture that, among other things, uses poetry far more enthusiastically and extensively than ours.)

                1. Six Feldspar*

                  I never even considered that… I would love to see the impact of bredlik poem format on Teixcalaan society and politics, maybe we can hope for a short story?

                  (And nice username to you too!)

          3. SuprisinglyADHD*

            Wow, excellent! I really like the original poem and I always get a kick out of a well-done new version.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Heh, apparently buffalo adore Nilla wafers! I heard of a couple that took care of an injured animal, and to call him over to the fence they’d make a little cairn of cookies.

          1. RLC*

            Llamas apparently consider Double Stuf Oreos to be a very special treat. Acquaintances had a llama pack train and used the cookies for training and rewards. Interestingly only the Double Stuf variety were appealing, regular Oreos just didn’t have appeal.

            1. WFH4VR*

              Once at work, in the Before Times when there used to be fun things, we had an Oreo contest. It was fabulous. Some people ordered weird Oreo flavors from as far away as Japan. I brought Newman’s Own organic version. I think a strawberry-combo flavor won. There was a lemon variety that I liked, but no one else did.

    5. Pam Adams*

      I found mangoes on lawns near my house for several days- there are no mango trees in reach. It was one to two mangoes only and in different places on different days.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        The rare natural phenomenon of fruit migration! I thought it was only seen in coconuts but maybe it’s all tropical fruit!

        1. RLC*

          Oh, I would have enjoyed that! I miss some of the limited-run flavors that we’ve had in the US (maple amazing, as was lemon).
          I’ve always enjoyed trying unique not-readily-available-in-US flavors of snack foods and sweets.

          2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Lemon is not limited run, it’s one of their regulars now :) or at least, multiple grocery stores in my area have it year-round, in both the regular and thin versions.

      2. Goldfeesh*

        Some years ago I found a couple random small peaches (obviously not store-boughten) on the sidewalk when I was taking a walk. They weren’t directly in front of any house so I looked around then picked them up. Took them home and washed them, they were the best peaches I ever have eaten. I now have some peach trees, but they haven’t bore fruit yet.

      3. Pieforbreakfast*

        I found a large conch shell on my lawn in Minnesota once. Kept it on my porch for like a year then it disappeared one day. These little mysteries give life.

      4. Jay (no, the other one)*

        We thought we had squirrels pulling pears out of someone’s compost and leaving them in our yard. Turned out we had a quince tree in an overgrown area hiding behind some other stuff.

    6. Not your typical admin*

      My guess would be it’s a go to snack for a family that’s had a couple of kids in a stroller. Mine would always toss stuff as we were going on walks.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Hmm this is the most plausible explanation yet! They are certainly losing a decent amount of cookies though.

      2. Saturday*

        This was my guess too – little kids. Maybe the family goes for a walk, the child in the stroller or the one walking gets fussy and cookies are offered and then dropped or tossed.

      3. KR*

        This was my guess – its a stroller route and they are being tossed. Another option is they are being tossed out the car window, or always flying out of the bed of one particular pickup truck or something.

    7. Chaordic One*

      There’s a wormhole between someone’s cookie jar and the yard on a quiet suburban street. (Sort of like the ones in people’s washers and dryers that socks fall through.) “I did NOT eat your cookies and I do not have any idea what happened to them!”

    8. Bike Walk Barb*

      What if instead of the squirrels scattering them, someone is scattering them to attract squirrels or some other critter they think is cute to watch? Are they always in the same general area?

      1. ThatGirl*

        The street is not very long, but no, I find them all over and frequently multiple cookies in one dg walk.

    9. saudade*

      I’ve definitely seen people feeding cookies to wildlife (specifically raccoons). As in, buying a brand-new package to open for them. I’d expect something like that.

    10. epicdemiologist*

      Interestingly, we had a similar situation with (whole) bananas some year back. I had an elderly dachshund who would proudly dash under a bush and come out with a banana. The only thing I could figure was some kid’s mom kept packing them in their lunchbox and the kid didn’t like bananas and was chucking them out.

        1. epicdemiologist*

          It was HILARIOUS. He was a jaunty old guy (black and tan longhair, rescued from a breeder) and he was SO PROUD.

    11. SuprisinglyADHD*

      There was someone on reddit or something a long time ago who kept finding DVDs in the ditch by their property. Like, multiple copies of (iir) superman and maybe something else? I don’t recall if they ever got an explanation.

    12. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Somewhere in my neighborhood there is a source of corn cobs. Not the ones you get at the grocery story, the more decorative ones. I only know this because people in a multiblock radius periodically have corn cobs in various stages of being eaten in their yard.

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Although I am upset, I was able to order and eat a salad for lunch for the last three days and get some sleep. I’m calling it a self-care win.

    2. DannyG*

      Had my birthday off this week. My wife and I spent the day visiting friends and family and enjoying late autumn in the Appalachians.

    3. ctrl-alt-delicious*

      I was able to go on a walk 3 days this week after a week of being sick. Beautiful fall weather for it, all the trees were colorful against the clear blue sky and leaves falling slowly and laying crisp underfoot. And my feet and legs only hurt a bit lol.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      We bought a new mattress to replace our very old one, and it feels like it will be good for our backs.

      However, it is about 6″ taller, and my brain apparently feels very strongly about maintaining my traditional elevation, even when lying in the dark with my eyes closed. A weirdly acute awareness of being more elevated than normal.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          He’s a Soft coated wheaten terrier, just over a year old, mostly white, and trimmed fairly short. The chair is a big 90s cube, now draped in flannel sheets. Doggo sprawls from one side of me to the other, often choosing to hang his head off the side. Sometimes he jumps up and just leans hard into me and apparently falls asleep that way.

          He is starting to learn chair privileges do NOT mean he’s allowed onto the back rest. That’s too darned close to a low bookshelf and the piano, not to mention what it puts up by my face!

    6. GoryDetails*

      That video of Grendel – I love seeing cats get so intense about scraps of paper or random pipe-cleaners or whatever else they find lying around.

      2. Lala*

        I just discovered the trove of videos thanks to this one. exactly what I need after this week, even with a purring cat next to me.

    8. RLC*

      Spotted a tiny Western Fence Lizard sunning itself in my garden, enjoying the last lovely days of autumn in the high desert. To my delight it stayed still long enough for me to snap a few good photos of it to share with the reptile fans in my life.

    9. A kind act*

      Yesterday was a sad anniversary for me, and friends invited me to come over for dinner because they knew that and didn’t want me to spend the evening alone. I had a great time with them and also really appreciated the kindness of their invitation.

    10. Bike Walk Barb*

      I’ve been taking an improv class through our local parks and rec. This is my third round with the same teacher and several of us have taken the class multiple times. Wednesday night was the last class of the current series and also my birthday.

      We managed to enter fully into the class, had a great night, and ended with a particular exercise that made us laugh like children, so hard our stomachs ached and our cheeks hurt. Then they sang the happy birthday song to me.

      It was a bright spot.

    12. WoodswomanWrites*

      A friend who now lives in another country was here overnight and contacted me so we could get together. It had been five years since I’d seen him. He said he was sorry for not being in touch for a long time, wonderful to hear because I thought his life had moved on without me. It feels so good to know we’re still connected. We had dinner with another mutual friend and it was great.

    13. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I went to a gig last night, which was the 20th anniversary of one of my favourite albums (ever – not just from the band). The album is a mix of songs I was really into in my late teens, and songs that grew on me more as an adult. It was glorious to hear it played live end to end.

      And since I had to eat on the train to the venue, I decided to get a sandwich from an independent cafe in my neighbourhood, which was a chance to also grab a couple of their delightful pastries to enjoy for breakfast today. Very high hopes about the one with pistachio filling.

    14. BellaStella*

      Getting notice that my lease for my place just rolls over from January was a relief as I love my apartment!

      1. BellaStella*

        oh and I forgot to add: tonite I will see a speaker talking about his new book in a city near me too. excited to go!

    15. Wandering Hobbit*

      I had a very relaxed evening sorting out my photos from this year and listening to music which I really needed after a very busy 2 weeks (and then had an equally relaxed morning catching up on my favourite podcast)

    16. Six Feldspar*

      It’s my birthday this Monday so I’ve been treating myself this weekend. Yesterday I went to the museum and today it was farmers market and op shopping. I’ll catch up with people during the week and the birthday itself will be a fairly standard Monday so it’s nice to spin it out into a birthday week!

    17. Don’t make me come over there*

      Although I maintain a strict no-Christmas-decorations-until-after-Thanksgiving policy for my home (I live alone so I’m not squashing anyone else’s joy), I was delighted to find lebkuchen at the grocery store yesterday! The first package is almost gone already. I love the combination of gingerbread, nuts, and orange peel so much!

      1. UKDancer*

        I bought some of those as well. I was at a shop I don’t usually frequent on the way back from a really good dance class and saw they had some in. Just enjoying one with a latte before getting on with my Saturday chores. They’re so good.

    18. epicdemiologist*

      My husband is finally testing negative for COVID and was able to go for a bike ride. Hopefully I’m just a few days behind him.

    20. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      Spent the morning with my mom, sister and niece making my Grandma’s Thanksgiving stuffing. We make it early and freeze it. About 10 years ago Mom started hosting stuffing lessons so we all know how to make it, just like Grandma. There’s no real recipe but I’ve been taking notes.

    22. Rara Avis*

      As a gift for our director, we got a doggy front/backpack for his new little guy, who just wants to be with him all the time. Doggo climbed right in and spent a happy 4-hour rehearsal attached to his person. Even fell asleep in there. There’s a big joy in finding the perfect gift!

    23. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I have a Great Horned Owl in my neighborhood. I haven’t seen him yet, but we hear him clearly.

      Unfortunately that means my terrier goes on high alert at dusk…

    24. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      Seeing my son get to race his last HS XC race at states this weekend. It’s been a tough season of illness and injury.

      Visiting my daughter at college.

  8. RagingADHD*

    Have you ever done friend-speed-dating?

    My local library is having an event in a couple of weeks, and I think I’ll go. It’s supposed to be a fun way to get to know people because making adult friends is hard (which is true!)

    I’m working on a list of possible questions. What would you ask?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      When did you move to the area, and why?
      What drew you to this event?
      What’s a local find you treasure?

    2. Unkempt Flatware*

      Mountains or Beaches?
      Dogs or cats?
      Favorite childhood memory?
      Favorite musician/movie/book?

    6. Mitchell Hundred*

      I’ve done those a couple of times, and I’ve found a good conversation starter is to bring my favourite book and comic. I tend to connect with people by recommending things I think they’ll like, so this just speeds that a long.

    7. Annie Edison*

      I haven’t tried friend speed dating yet, but I recently attended a regular dating speed dating event and found it surprisingly enjoyable. I didn’t end up using any of the questions I’d thought up in advance because things just kind of flowed in a different direction with each person, and that felt informative in and of itself.

      The thing I found most helpful, though, was re-framing my expectations from “can I see myself in a lasting, serious relationship with this person” to “did I enjoy this conversation enough to potentially have dinner with this person.” I felt like it let me open myself up to exploring each connection more organically, and took the pressure off enough that I could relax and be more myself.

      Let us know how it goes! I’m in a new city and have been thinking about looking for some friend-dating events

    8. Morning Reader*

      I went to one (unsuccessfully as it was not well attended) and the librarian running the program had a list of conversation starters so you probably don’t need to come up with your own. However, I asked what I most wanted to know, which was: what kinds of things do you like to do, that you would like someone to do with you?

    9. Miss Molly*

      This sounds fun! I might ask:

      What’s something that made you happy recently?
      What’s one thing you’re passionate about?
      What’s something that a lot of people don’t know about you?
      What movie/TV show could you watch over and over again?

      1. ampersand*

        I’ve been pondering the “what’s something that a lot of people don’t know about you?” for a good 10 minutes now and not that it’s not a good question—it’s made me think—but man I hate it because I can never come up with anything! My thought process is this: if it’s not something a lot of people know about me, it’s probably highly personal/inappropriate to share.

        How do other people answer this (meant to be fun, low-stakes) question?

        1. Miss Molly*

          The things I had in mind were trivial little details. Like that I have a large jar of pencils stubs I’ve been collecting since 3rd grade (it’s not really something that comes up in conversation and it’s in my bedroom). Or that I have a drawer full of notebooks of various sizes because I still prefer writing things down physically to digital notes. Or that I restrict myself to owning five pairs of footwear because that’s what fits on the small set of shelves I use for shoe/sneaker/boot storage (I know people who have comparatively large footwear collections and I don’t understand it).

          1. ampersand*

            Ahhh okay this makes sense—thanks! So aim for trivia, not “most obscure fact possible.” :)

            1. Miss Molly*

              Yeah, wasn’t looking for dark secrets or anything. :) Maybe there’s a better way to word the question? Like “what’s a weird/silly fact about you?”

        2. Categorical*

          Someone asked me this once and My answer was that I found it so wonderful that I was able to live alone, in my own (small) apartment.

          1. Love me, love my cat*

            I know I read/watch too much true crime, but sharing this info with a total stranger seems like the beginning of a plot line to me.

  9. 100Grand*

    I’m dealing with some, for lack of a better term, artistic frustration right now. I find drawing in particular to require a lot of focus that is hard to maintain when I’m already drained from life, but abstract or very simplified art doesn’t really satisfy. I’ve tried to do what people say about lowering my expectations and doing art for the fun of it and just enjoying the medium, but at that point I find it just turns into sensory play, which doesn’t do it for me. I’m having a hard time putting it into words, but it’s like not focusing on the end goal (the creation) makes it so it doesn’t fulfill the desire to create. I still feel a constant urge to make something, yet I have no idea what to do with it.

    It doesn’t help that life is stressful and I’m spending a lot of effort on other things, so there’s just not much energy for art.

    I’m writing this out real quick before I have to go to work, so sorry for the lack of detail. I can add more later if needed.

    1. Sloanicota*

      I work in a different medium, but the drive definitely comes and goes. Can you find quick projects that can be *finished*? In art, perhaps that’s drawing a card and then putting it the mail the next day. I definitely get dragged down by the ongoing nature of my medium and sometimes need to do something faster and more self-contained, but which still has a final product with a purpose.

    2. Evvy*

      I’ve had success with a kind of “deliberate break-taking” approach where I make a conscious decision not to work on my thing (drawing or writing depending on the moment) for a day/a few days/a week… It really helps snap me out of the “frustrated about not doing thing -> feels bad -> no idea how to move forward” vicious cycle, maybe some kind of reverse psychology? Or just simple benefits of resting your brain? I’m usually able to get back to doing my thing with a fresh perspective after I’ve done this

    3. Strive to Excel*

      Have you considered trying a handicraft of some form? Yarn and thread crafts are relatively low budget (depending on the craft ofc!), there’s a gazillion pattern options that exist so you can pick anything to your taste, and you still end up making something.

      1. Jill Swinburne*

        Yeah, knitting and crochet could be great here. Ravelry is one of the best things on the internet IMO, and you can pick up or put down projects as you please. Also they take up no space – I hate losing my art/craft mojo and having a half-finished project sitting around glaring at me.

    4. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      I am in the midst of a prolong hiatus from performing. I assume the urge will return, but I was not getting the joy out of it because of other stress. Sometimes I have to just let it go for awhile. Art requires emotion in a way that my 9-5 does not. Sometimes I have enough emotions thanks and can’t really muster up any more.

    5. Forensic13*

      When I’m in that kind of mood, it sometimes means that I’m missing feeling “smart.” In that I want to do an activity where I have to problem-solve or stretch my skills in some way. Is that something that resonates with you?

    6. Literally a Cat*

      This may sound weird, but I swap between technical drawing and creative painting. They operate completely different part of my cognition, and a lot of the time I can do one but not the other, then I just flip the otherway.

    7. Hyaline*

      I think it’s not uncommon that when you’ve refined an art form a bit, the simplistic or “piddling around” version of it doesn’t really satisfy. (I feel this way about sewing–dinky little crafty projects just aren’t enjoyable since I’ve learned to enjoy making complex garments. This is hard because I rarely have the time to invest in larger projects, but futzing with some felt just isn’t the same so I skip it.)

      I would, honestly, honor that. Ignore the people who say to just dink around if that isn’t satisfying. Instead, maybe try to find space to allow yourself to go deep (can you create a mini-artist-retreat for yourself where you spend an entire weekend morning on art? even if it’s less often? or begin long-term projects where you know finishing simply won’t happen right away but the incremental progress is enjoyable?). Or find a hobby/art form that you don’t know well where it is satisfying to learn the basics–where something low stakes is actually fun instead of blah.

    8. epicdemiologist*

      Learn something new? Crochet is easy to start, progress is rapid, and a simple pattern requires very little concentration.

    9. The grey cat*

      Have you tried calligraphy? I’ve particularly fallen in love with brush calligraphy because it’s a lot of practicing letters and strokes over and over and trying different flourishes and styles. I’ve found the repetitive motions to be really soothing. Once you get the hang of the basics, it’s easy to pick up and put down as needed. It also has a nice practical application of making pretty envelopes when you need to send a card.

    10. Anono-me*

      Have you tried much much smaller pieces like Locket Art? The skill set and attention to detail still are applied at the same level, but the size will limit your time.

    11. Nihil Scio*

      I went through this a few years ago and my answer was to get a nice sketchbook with a cloth cover, pouch in back for border tracers, and elastic closure
      Unlike my old sketchbooks, I treated each piece as an artwork unto itself. I work from picture I take on my phone, using the editor function to graph them into 3×3 grids, copy in pencil, outline in good pen, erase the pencil, and play (zendoodle or paint) from there.
      No particular subjects; these became a sort of journalling that have since become my ‘legacy’.
      Sometimes it would work for weeks at a time. Other times I would do nothing for months but it has generally worked and feels good when I’m in the zone

      Perhaps something like this might work for you?

    12. SeerTea*

      I am a burned out visual artist, and lately I’ve been finding joy in painting pebbles. They’re small, so they don’t take so long that I get bored or frustrated. It’s a new medium (acrylic markers), but I can apply some of my general painting skills and they turn out quite good. Oh, and there are groups dedicated to hiding, finding and rehiding them – check FB for your local ones (there’s also an app called Stonehiding but it’s mostly Europe). I’m trying to cultivate the mindset that each pebble doesn’t have to be perfect – they just need to be nice enough to bring joy to people finding them in the wild. Kids especially love them.

  11. Bra help*

    Shopping help please! Many years ago I bought a sports bra with a very low scoop neck that I love for low-impact aerobics. Unfortunately I have never found something like it since. Whenever I google “scoop neck sports bra,” I get results for standard sports bras, but what I’m trying to replicate is very deep and open (not to be graphic, but I would say like 30% of each breast is uncovered in it. Which I know is a lot of cleavage but as someone who hates the super-restrictive feeling of most sports bras, it’s a dream for things like yoga!). Has anyone come across something similar in their recent shopping adventures? I’m in the US but honestly would pay international shipping at this point.

    1. Generic Name*

      I have several sports bras from target and several of them offer not a ton of coverage. You may need to try a bunch on. The ones with less coverage definitely have less fabric on the front.

      1. Bra Help*

        I am a regular Target shopper but haven’t ever run across any in my store – maybe I missed a drop or they don’t carry them in my location. I’ll have to investigate.

        1. Generic Name*

          They’re usually in the clothing section with all the athletic/exercise clothes rather than with the regular bras.

    2. peter b*

      I don’t know if it’ll meet your needs, but I was despairing of replacing an old zip-front sports bra/swim top, and I was really pleased with Old Navy’s zip-front options. I think they might dip low enough to consider – but all my sympathies regardless on trying to find a good replacement for an old favorite. It’s harder than it ought to be!

    4. Mango*

      I like sporty bikini tops, marketed for beach volleyball, surfing and so on, for low impact workouts. More support than regular swimwear, but maybe not enough for your needs. I get mine from Patagonia or REI. Spendy but there are usually good sales in winter.

    5. Pop*

      You might have more success searching for a bralette. Girlfriend Collective also is a brand that has a ton of styles and I see one or two that might fit your criteria.

    6. RedinSC*

      Not quite what you’re talking about, but from Title 9 I have the Anita and it’s a really great sports bra. I actually am able to wear it riding (horse) and it holds the girls in. There’s the supportive part, which is smaller than most, and then a sort of mesh around it. Anyway, it’s my favorite sports bra I’ve found and not bulky like the others.

      1. RedinSC*

        Just checked it out (and bought 2 more). it’s AC Sports Bra Item # 310707 to make it easier to search.

    7. Ellis Bell*

      This makes me think of the v neck ones that Sloggi make? I think the main question is, is it supportive? If it’s not particularly supportive, you might go for bralettes instead. If you google “yoga bra” you get a lot of low impact, low cover bra tops (and some cross backed crop tops you wouldn’t need a bra with). But I definitely agree with you on it becoming difficult to find a comfortable sports bra; some of them are like breastplate armour.

    8. HannahS*

      I suggest looking at bralettes, especially ones for younger people; some bralettes will have enough support for yoga. Somewhere like Aerie might have what you’re looking for.

    10. Bra Anon*

      Try searching for “plunge sports bra” or “deep v sports bra”. I think that may be what you’re looking for.

    11. Tulip*

      ymmv, but I love searching on Poshmark for items that are wearing out and I’d like to replace. If you still have the brand/size available, you can search that way. I’ve been able to find things (many brand new) several years after they were out of stores!

    12. Jessica*

      Check out https://decentexposures.com/. Unconventional, but their bras are sort of sports-bra-like and might meet your needs.

      — Variety of colors, styles, and most importantly different fabrics that are different degrees of supportive.
      — They will customize the cut for you! And many alterations are free within a month of purchase, so you could get one, try it on or even wear it once, and then send it in for alteration and tell them how much to cut the front scoop lower or whatever you want done.
      — I know the main objective here is to get the proper-fitting thing you want, but it might also be of interest to know that DE is a women-owned small business, their products are made in Seattle by workers paid a living wage, and they use mostly organic materials.

      Their customer service will be glad to answer questions or talk you through the options.

  12. I didn't say banana*

    Oh Grendel, cats are always ready to remind us to enjoy the simple pleasures. What’s your pet’s favourite non-toy toy? My cat found a loose cable tie (or zip tie) years ago and has not stopped hunting it since.

    1. Sloanicota*

      Hair scrunchies. The smaller fabric kind. My cat has so many toys but these are the only things she really loves (besides me, I hope). She carries them around in her mouth and piles them up in my bathtub (?) where she hoards them like a dragon. I have bought her two separate sets of her very own scrunchies. She ignores those ones. She only likes ones I’ve actually worn in my hair.

    2. Grilledcheeser*

      My Oyster kitty is a huge fan of pens, but i don’t like her getting involved with ink. A friend gave me 10 empty clear Bic pens & she has been slowly destroying them one by one! Time to start looking for more …

    3. RLC*

      Current favorite: tiny strip of cardboard packaging from my new phone charger cord. Played with by 3 cats just as Grendel did with the bit of paper towel. Free toys are best!
      Another favorite (of our sweet boy kitty, who we lost to kidney disease a year ago) was a plastic fork from a takeaway meal. He was OBSESSED!!! Would find it in the sink, pick it up, carry it all over house, then return it to its place in the sink. He also loved traditional wooden pencils to carry about and to hide from himself.

    4. Generic Name*

      One of my cats recently discovered that it’s great fun to fish the mini Halloween candy bars out of the big wooden bowl. I found one in an adjacent room and I found another that was open and mangled, with bite marks in it, which I assume were from the cat.

    5. Harlowe*

      My firstborn was absolutely obsessed with fresh blueberries; possibly her most expensive toy by weight.

    6. Jill Swinburne*

      Before he was old and lazy, clothes pegs. In our old house he used to go outside and steal pegs from the neighbours’ garden. I used to collect them up and every so often throw a batch back over the fence.

      Also, those wire twisty ties. It’s fun to wind them into a spiral because they roll and bounce erratically.

    7. Tea & Sympathy*

      My mom’s cat, who would ignore almost all cat toys, loved the ID bracelets they put on patients in the hospital. As my mom got older and needed to be hospitalized occasionally, we would make sure to tell the nurse we wanted to keep them, and not to cut them off. We joked about how very expensive the cat’s toys were.

      1. Love me, love my cat*

        I wonder if the cat picked up on your mom’s scent on the bracelet. Maybe that’s why she played with it in your mom’s absence?

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        YES. Beloved by multiple foster cats in this household!

        One of our first fosters loved games that felt like stalking prey or retrieving treats. I’d hide the foil ball underneath a junk mail flyer, and without fail, wherever he was, however far he was, he’d come running as fast as he could and pounce on it heavily. It was glorious to watch.

    10. Retired early Miss the money*

      Insulin pen needles. I drop one and one of my cats will race me to pick it up. No, she’s not actually allowed to play with them!

    11. Damn it, Hardison!*

      The plastic ring that you remove from the top of milk jugs. I found so many of them under my fridge when I pulled it out to clean.

      2. sb51*

        Ours it’s the version you get on milk cartons, with the little ring and a flap of plastic. I think it’s pleasingly sproingy.

    12. o_gal*

      Rubber bands. They can be stretched and then shot across the room, where upon Scampi chases them. Then she does the same thing as Grendel does in the video. Sometimes, if she’s in a good mood, we can actually ask her to retrieve it (Bring it back! Can you bring it back? Bring it back! Good girl!)

      1. Yes my cat is weird*

        Unpopped popcorn kernels. Ours will “play soccer” with them on the hardwood floor.

    14. epicdemiologist*

      Not for cats but for dogs: we once tied 2 half-gallon milk jugs (empty, clean) together by the handles with about a 4″ gap. Our dog LOVED to grab them by the rope and shake the hell out of them. (Also would lightly chew, but he wasn’t a dedicated chewer.)

      For cats: back when we had them, 2 favorites were the screw-on lids to milk/juice jugs (which they played ‘air hockey’ with), and boxes of styrofoam peanuts (our cats would take “bubble baths” in them).

    15. SuprisinglyADHD*

      The plastic orange spider-rings that kids get at Halloween parties! I ended up having to buy in bulk because I can’t figure out where she’s hiding/losing them!

    16. Seal*

      Bottle caps. I try to put them back on the bottle right away so I don’t spill my drink but if I’m not paying attention the cat runs off with it. He’s got bottle caps stashed all over the house.

    18. RC*

      Corks. Might be preconditioned because the humane society seemed to also be using them as toys in their enclosures

    19. Bookgarden*

      My cat can’t get enough of those long streams of brown packing paper from shipping boxes. She also loves thick hair ties. My last cat’s favorite non-toy were slices cut off of the cardboard core of a paper towel so it made a nice little cardboard circle to bat around.

      My cat before that when I was a child loved garbage bag twist-ties (the metal ones covered with cheap paper) until he ate one. We took him to the vet and they thought he seemed okay, and it passed without issue thankfully. We stopped giving them to him after that of course after wising up to the dangers, but he would always eye them wistfully.

    21. dapfloodle*

      One of my cats loves those small drawstring organza bags (that jewelry often comes in), but I can’t let him have them, because he’ll eat the string and then eventually give me back the bag.

  13. BestCatToys*

    The little strip of cardboard from opening packaging and envelopes. Mine found one this week, looks a lot like Grendel playing except she’s 13, and will then attack her other toys. The pull tabs(?) on coffee bags are the best version, actually.

  14. acmx*

    I was recently involved in a fender bender (I didn’t cause it). I received the repair costs and I could pay for it myself. Should I? I think since I’ve already involved my insurance, it won’t make much if a difference (and I recouped some of my premiums sorta haha).

    1. Indolent Libertine*

      I’m having trouble following this. You’ve involved your insurance how? Received the repair costs from whom?

      1. acmx*

        I called my insurance company to report the accident. I received the repair costs from the repair shop.

    2. Not your typical admin*

      I believe if you pay for the repair yourself your rates won’t go up. Probably a good idea. When we made a claim for a small fender bender our rates more than doubled. We wound up having to change companies.

      1. acmx*

        Yeah, I wonder if the claims adjuster can tell me whether or not my rate will go up. I’m skeptical I will receive a straight answer.

        I don’t get raising rates so high that the customer goes elsewhere. But that’s usually what happens.

      2. ThatGirl*

        I’ve been in several accidents that weren’t my fault, and in all cases, I went through the other driver’s insurance. They paid for it and handled everything. Mine didn’t get involved except for advocating for me if needed. Acmx, please tell me you have the other driver’s info?

        1. acmx*

          Possibly. The one he had was expired but his wife had just renewed or whatever. Seems they may have switched to the same co.

    3. peter b*

      If you’ve already involved your insurance, it’s going to hit your rates either way. If your damages are less than the deductible it’s a moot point since it’s reported, and if it’s over the deductible you might as well take advantage of having paid the premium and getting the remainder covered. (I used to be a licensed insurance agent for auto, though I’m not anymore. Talking with your local agent who handles your policy/your specific adjuster may yield better advice based on your situation.)

      1. acmx*

        It’s more than my deductible. I was thinking, I’ve paid them 16k over the years, so they may as well pay esp since I did call them.

      2. Kay*

        This is what I have been told in multiple cases. You reported, no matter what happens it is still recorded as an incident. If you have an agent that you trust you can ask them, but at this point assume it will count against you and make them pay it.

        1. Random Bystander*

          Well, they do code it differently when you’re the one who was not at fault in the accident. (I was once t-boned by someone who ran a red light, and my rates did not increase.) It was marked as an incident, but the code showed “accident, not at fault”.

          1. Kay*

            True, but lots of insurance companies will still count most things against you in some way. I’ve heard sometimes they will count everything, sometimes it is over a certain number of (insert whatever here) – it just depends. You will likely get better luck with an independent agent to tell you what the hypothetical outcome will be, but if the OP has already called the insurance to report it there is a much higher chance it will count against them regardless of how much is paid out.

    4. jm*

      No you submit your estimate to the at-fault driver to get his insurance involved (unless your state has no-fault insurance)

    5. California Dreamin’*

      My experience has been that if it’s obviously not your fault (like you were rear-ended) your insurance company will not raise your rates. They don’t actually have to pay your claim, they will be reimbursed by the other person’s insurance. But they will handle everything for you.
      If you ever have something that IS your fault, your rates are going up once you’ve called them. I learned this very hard lesson when I scraped my husband’s car on a parking structure post. I called our insurance because I thought the repair would be astronomical (it’s a Tesla, notoriously expensive to fix), then we decided to pay for the repair ourselves. But since I had called them, it went on our record and our policy premium more than doubled for the next year. I did call them to inquire, and when I found out the premium was going up anyway, they were able to back-file the claim and pay for the repair retroactively so at least I got that much back. But my takeaway is don’t call them for anything that’s your fault unless your car is totaled. Or obviously if someone else’s car is involved.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I got rear ended at a stop light by a texting teenager, his insurance accepted full responsibility on his behalf and covered everything, and my insurance company doubled my premiums at my next renewal. Like, I called them and asked them why the increase and they told me it was specifically because of the accident on such and such date. I hung up and had a new insurance company effective midnight that night.

    6. Hyaline*

      Did you exchange insurance information with the other driver? If it’s truly a “they were at fault” situation, their insurance should be covering it. (If it’s more of a theoretical “I didn’t cause it so I don’t feel guilty here but technically there’s no other party at fault/technically I’m at fault” situation, then this might not apply.)

      One accident in many years shouldn’t cause your rates to go up much if at all (ask your insurance agent!) *unless* you are technically at fault (make 100% sure on that–our concept of “it wasn’t my fault” vs insurance companies’ “at fault” can be different). At any rate, you’ve already involved them anyway. I’d say get your money’s worth of all those years of premiums and make them pay for it.

      1. acmx*

        I was driving down the parking lot aisle and he cut through the parking spaces (or maybe was just pulling out) and hit me.

        I’m just going to have insurance pay (or recoup from his policy).

      2. Random Bystander*

        Yeah–I’ve been in two accidents for which I was not at fault but the other driver was, and in both cases my rates didn’t go up. (There was a third, but that was car vs deer which actually falls under the comprehensive no-fault, also didn’t increase my rates).

        Accident 1: other driver ran a red light while speeding and t-boned my car while I was driving straight

        Accident 2: I was sitting in the left turn lane waiting for the car in front of me to go (slushy roads, we’d just gotten the turn arrow) when someone tried to make a right-on-red at way too high a speed (would’ve been dicey on dry roads) and hit my back door. With accident 2, I did end up calling my agent because the info I had from the police report gave the name and policy number of the company but I couldn’t find the company. My agent did and got the claim filed with the other company, and then told me the other company was one of those “last chance” agencies that covers drivers who have so many incidents (collisions and/or DUI) on their record that they can’t get insurance from any other agency. Me: “Yeah, that makes sense. When the officer arrived, she was looking at her front bumper and saying ‘this one is new, this is old damage, this is old damage …'” I mean, it was like she thought driving was equal to playing bumper cars.

    7. Middle Name Jane*

      I’m confused. If you didn’t cause the accident, why would your rates increase? Does the other driver have insurance? Because if you report the accident to your insurance, they will go after the other driver’s insurance company to recoup payment. That’s what has always happened to me when I’ve been in fender benders (and I’ve never been at fault). Or–if the other driver doesn’t have insurance–do you have uninsured motorist coverage?

    8. Chauncy Gardener*

      I had a no fault accident earlier this year and used the body shop recommended by the insurance company and they (the insurance co) paid them directly.

  15. Valancy Stirling*

    Procrastination thread! What have you been putting off that you’d like to get done this weekend?

    I need to deep clean my shower.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          It’s just near enough that the bus seems silly, but uphill enough that going on foot with a load of assorted Why Do I Have This? is annoying!

    2. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      Last week I think I finally took care of the last of the medical bills from my son’s accident 18 months ago. I think. Every few months a new one seems to creep out of the woodworks.

      This weekend I would like to get rid/file of all the random papers in my office that have piled up in the meantime. But that is probably a bigger project than I have time for, so lets say the upper left half of the credenza

    3. Esprit de l'escalier*

      I need to declutter my home office space, but that is going to take a lot longer than a weekend as it has become a repository for everything that didn’t belong somewhere else and was in some way office-ish.

      In fact this afternoon I decided to spend x minutes on this project every day for as long as it takes until I am satisfied with the appearance and functionality of this space. My initial value for x will be 30 minutes; hopefully that will be enough time to make a few decisions and removals before I succumb to decision fatigue and the sadness of throwing out old stuff that is the essence of the clutter.

      1. Valancy Stirling*

        I no longer have a dedicated office space, but when I did, it was basically a warehouse. I feel your pain!

    4. The Prettiest Curse*

      Sending a big cheque to the UK state pension service to make up my state pension contributions for most of the years I was living in the US. There were some bank account things I had to fix first, though, so the delay isn’t entirely on me!

    5. WoodswomanWrites*

      Clearing away stuff that has spread out all over my apartment and doing a good cleaning. I hate my living space as it’s been for quite some time. With family coming to stay with me in two weeks, I finally have something to motivate me to get it done.

      I really love this weekly thread, by the way!

      1. Valancy Stirling*

        Visits are the great motivator, haha. Glad you like the thread! I don’t always have the time or spoons to reply, but I always enjoy reading the responses.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Ah yes, the “Please don’t tell anybody how I live!” Simpsons moment is always a big motivator!

    6. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Mending a hole in a glove from the pair I use on my daily walks / while cycling.

      It’s an old pair and I could probably just get rid of them, but it’s the only black gloves I have and I’m glad they go with all my jackets and coats. My favourite grey ones are way too warm for the weather right now!

    7. English Rose*

      Setting up a Vinted account to sell some of my clothes. (How important can it possibly be to choose just… the… right… username?)

    8. Bobina*

      need to get some bulbs planted and repot a couple of plants! but considering it’s already past 10am and I’m still in bed, we might have to see how tomorrow goes

    9. Bibliovore*

      A 4 loads of clean laundry needing folding an putting away.
      About 60 review arcs that need sorting/ keep-give away and shelving.
      A post of bean soup needing to be made- need to pick up onions, celeray, and carrots.
      Random stains on the rugs need un-staining.
      Sweater with moth holes needs repairing.

        1. Trixie Belden was my hero*

          Agreed! I finished a Stephen King book on Wednesday that I’ve been trying to get back to. It helped that I haven’t had my tv on or doom scrolled since Tuesday. I don’t miss it at all. I have a stack of other “new” books in my office that I promised myself that I would read before buying anymore. I have a feeling I’m going to finish them by New Years.
          My new shelves arrived for my office this week and I need to finish organizing them and the new file cabinet.

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            I’m working through my bedside pile pretty well now that I’ve turned my back on the world.

            1. Trixie Belden was my hero*

              and once I’m through with my pile I have SO many more to reread!
              Organizing my home office and several craft projects is going to keep me pretty busy too.

      2. Josephine Beth*

        I have several to grade as well. Which, considering I’m here, is clearly not going so well!

    14. Elle Woods*

      I need to clean out my makeup drawer and go through my dresser. I’m certain I’ll find things in both that I no longer need or want.

    15. Harlowe*

      Figuring out how to break down and sell my aquarium system. I originally planned to donate it to my bestie’s son, but she informed me that he is not proving himself responsible enough to have it (neglecting chores, acting out) so she took away the option.

      This is going to be a huge pain. I don’t have a FB account (thus no Marketplace) and I really don’t want randos in my house, but it’s all so heavy and fragile.

    16. CL*

      Going to the mailbox…it’s 1/2 a block away and is above my head so requires standing on tiptoes. (And no, it’s not ADA compliant but our HOA doesn’t care)

    17. Elizabeth West*

      A little mending; a t-shirt on which there is a small hole where the collar has separated from the shirt, and a pair of unlined pants with a loose elastic in the waistband.

      A little cleaning. I did the bathroom the other night after maintenance finished messing with the sink. Need to do the rest.

      Today I finally took some donations to the thrift store. I have a bag by the back door I toss stuff in as I decide to donate it, and when it’s full, out it goes.

      I also want to make some tomato soup.

    18. Tech Industry Refugee*

      I need to clean out the fridge, like a DEEP clean and check for sauce expiration dates. Also would like to get some organizers for the fridge so it isn’t just random stuff all over the place.

    19. Random Bystander*

      I’m behind on my word count for my non-official NaNo project and trying to get caught up. I need to write another 3100 today and another 5400 tomorrow and then I’d be back on course for finishing (my goal isn’t 50k, it’s 79k, which goes with the 23k that I finished before Nov 1 so that I will have a fully complete first draft at the end).

      1. Harlowe*

        Holy crap I completely forgot that it’s NaNo month until I read your comment! OMG I’m so behind!

    21. Might Be Spam*

      Laundry is accumulating and I need to decide what to serve for dinner tomorrow when my daughter brings her boyfriend over. I had a full day yesterday and all of my “get up and go” got up and went.

  16. Large monitor shopping*

    I’m looking to replace my all-in-one computer with a laptop and large monitor (32″ or larger, for design and photo work). Can anyone comment on flat versus curved monitors? Any other aspects to avoid or seek out? I have zero interest in gaming, but it seems like every large monitor that isn’t made by Apple concentrates on video game use (refresh rate, etc.) so reviews have been unhelpful.

    1. acmx*

      I have a Lenovo 35″ (I think) curved monitor. I got this one because it allows you to split the screen in different sections as if it was more than one monitor. I think it’s pretty good but I use it for work and it’s a hassle to get updates with IT (esp because its a “gaming” monitor.) might check the stand height. I’m short and I wish I could adjust the monitor a little lower. Also, how you want it to mount – on a stand, arm, if you want to mount it on the wall.

      One thing you might want to consider are the monitors that can work in portrait orientation.

    2. BestCatToys*

      Slightly smaller than you asked, but I have a refurbished Ben Q 28 inch UHD 4K HDRi IPS Entertainment Monitor (according the receipt email). I ended up reading a bunch of random forum reviews about monitors that are good for reading text, which is apparently different from being good for gaming. There might be some relevant subreddits, like graphic design or photo editing where other people are looking for nongaming monitors.

    3. Chauncy Gardener*

      My husband just got an actual tv that he’s using as a monitor and he loves it. Says he can see everything so much better.

    4. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      I have a 27 inch Samsung curved monitor with built-in speakers. It has clear sound during TEAMs calls and is great for image analysis.

    5. Observer*

      Can anyone comment on flat versus curved monitors?

      Only consider a curved monitor if you will never need to have someone in your physical space who will need to be able to work with you. And more importantly, if *you* will never, ever need to look at your screen from anything but dead center.

      Gaming monitors can be a really good choice for business use, depending on what you need. You are doing graphics so higher resolution is a big boon. By the way, this is also true if you are doing things like *large* documents or spreadsheets – being able to see a bit more on screen, with a high degree of sharpness is surprisingly helpful. Same if you are doing a fair amount of documents side by side. Refresh rate is less of an issue unless you plan to watch videos, in which case, again, the higher refresh rates can be helpful.

      Other than that, these are some of the things to think about:

      What kind of output does your laptop have? Make sure that whatever it is, your monitor has it. Oh, and make sure that your laptop actually *can* drive an external monitor without a ton of hoops.

      I refuse to purchase a monitor that has a proprietary power connector. Even a low end monitor should last 3 years, but if *anything* happens to your power connector, your out of luck replacing those things is very hard – often the monitor vendor doesn’t offer them, and when they do it’s often so expensive that it makes no sense any more.

      Matt surface monitors tend to actually cause less eye strain. The glossy monitors tend to look nicer, especially when playing videos, but when you’re spending hours doing actual work, I have found that it gets outweighed by the burden on your eyes. (I cannot tell you how many of our staff expressed relief when I replaced glossy screens with matte screens. That’s what caused me to set the policy at work that we do matte screens, regardless of size.)

      If you have the budget and want to keep your monitor for a long time, look at monitors that have a 3 year (or longer) warranty. Those tend to be expensive, but they also tend to hold their quality over time.

      Don’t waste money on a monitor with a webcam. You’ll get better quality at a lower price buying separately.

      B&H and Adorama are really good sources. I haven’t had any experience with Adorama’s help, but I have found the the B&H folks are pretty good about pointing you to good choices, and they don’t necessarily try to up-sell you.

      1. Clara Bowe*

        I have kept my 2005 box monitor because it has a matte screen and they keep buying us glossy ones. The glossy ones absolutely trigger migraines for me, so even though I get weird looks, I am happy as a clam with my square flatscreen.

    6. SeerTea*

      I recommend buying two flat monitors instead of a long curved one. I worked as a graphic artist and used such a setup. The main monitor is a good IPS matrix from Dell (they’re a trusted brand when it comes to colors). The second monitor is smaller and cheaper, I use it for emails, references or chats.
      Oh, and don’t buy a TV for this. They have lower resolutions and the colors are always modified/boosted to look saturated and impressive, but not accurate.

  17. Mitchell Hundred*

    As a distraction at work this week, I had episodes of the British quiz show Mastermind playing in the background. For those who don’t know, the questions are divided into general knowledge and a set of in-depth questions on a specific topic of the contestant’s choice.

    Anyway, my question is: if you were a contestant on this show, what would your topic of choice be? Mine would probably be Stephen Sondheim, although I think some past participants have already chosen that one.

    1. Jill Swinburne*

      I would love to say that mine would be something high-brow, like lesser-known poets of the Harlem Renaissance or post-impressionist Vietnamese artworks…but I fear that I’d probably do better with something like The Simpsons seasons 1-10 or Harry Potter. I could probably go a reasonable way with the lives of the Bronte sisters.

      My dad was actually on Mastermind New Zealand in the 1970s! He came second in the series – he was furious to get pipped by someone who knew more about sport than him. His specialist topic was World War 2 (I think). I wrote to the archive people and they were able to locate one of the episodes he was on and send me the DVD for a not-exactly-small fee, which was great. We had a watching party but dad refused to have any part of it, lol. I think he’s still salty about it.

    4. NoMoreFirstTimeCommenter*

      Are there any restrictions for the in-depth topic? Can it be something you’ve studied in university, something you do for a living, or something in other ways daily present in your life like your own religion?

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        As far as I know, they don’t restrict it, other than the topic has to be safe for broadcast on TV. Apparently they will give you extra revision help/hints if you go on the celebrity version!

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      Science for me.

      On quizzes: Merriam Webster’s Quordle page offers a daily trivia quiz, which I have really gotten into. It’s the only timed game I enjoy doing–the timer means I can’t pop out to look up the thing I almost remember.

      quordle dot com

    9. Ellis Bell*

      Oh, I love Mastermind. The mistake people usually make is to choose a topic that’s too broad, just because they love it. You’ve got to go with something that’s been somewhat narrowed, that’s easier to revise. Apparently it’s a negotiation with the show if it’s too narrow or too broad a topic; So, Coco Chanel instead of French fashion, or horror movies of the 1950s rather than 1950s cinema. I know they won’t let you choose just the one book/movie, or a very short TV series like Fawlty Towers. I actually have no idea what I would pick because the temptation to go with a large category containing your first loves is too strong; I’d want to pick something to do with literature but the chances of that containing something obscure, or worse -something you know and can’t pass on because it’s on the tip of your tongue, is high. I’d probably choose either Dickens or Austen as the focus, but one is probably too prolific and the other too easy to revise. I’d probably have more success with something I know, I like, but I am not too invested in to say pass, like Meg Ryan movies. Little known fact: the set up of the show is inspired by the creator’s wartime interrogation by the Gestapo.

    10. RussianInTexas*

      World Geography
      Russian History
      English Kings and Queens
      Kings of France
      The Black Death
      Hurricanes

  18. OrdinaryJoe*

    Feeding wild bird question …. what do you all feed the birds? My yard birds seem to be flying pigs and will eat 10+lbs a week! 100% birds, no squirrels can get to this feeder, so that’s not the issue. I literally filled up the bird feeder this morning and it’s almost empty now.

    I feel like I’ll go broke trying to feed them :-)

    1. Kay*

      A premium blend, peanuts and niger, plus a constant rotation of fresh greens, flowers and veggies. A small fortune is my answer when it comes to feed. I try to plant native plants and have water sources as an alternative. If you just have pigeons I wouldn’t do feeders to be honest. I’ll put mine out for as long as the birds are actually eating the feed and it isn’t just a bunch of non native jerks taking over.

      1. Sloanicota*

        My mom discovered that a deer (and once separately a raccoon) were coming around dusk to knock the feeders and finish off anything that was left haha!

        1. RLC*

          My husband kept finding the bottom halves of the hanging feeders on the ground (we have an 8’ tall holder so feeders suspended quite high). Finally spotted a squirrel repeatedly leaping onto the feeders in such a way as to unscrew the bottom sections. Likely not deliberate but certainly effective for the squirrel.

        4. Seeking Second Childhood*

          My MIL permanently removed her feeders after a bear (!!!) came up onto her deck, bent down the shepherd’s hook, and busted open the bird feeder. It left claw marks in the decking boards.

    2. Girasol*

      Mine prefer sunflower seeds but they’ll take millet. I have to mix the two because straight sunflower tends to clog the hopper. That’s for sparrows, finches, an occasional redwing blackbird, and some doves that usually eat the spills on the ground. I have a few goldfinches that go for niger thistle.

    3. RLC*

      Peanuts in shell for the jays, black oil sunflower seeds for all the other birds. Finches, chickadees, nuthatches, downy woodpeckers feed directly from the feeders; quail, doves, and towhees feed on the dropped seed under the feeders. A few sunflower seeds inevitably sprout so I let them grow and go to seed for the goldfinches to harvest. I’ve found the best prices for the sunflower seed at either a feed store or my local hardware store.

      1. RedinSC*

        For me, the best price is at my local grocery store (Safeway). the local hardware store is nearly twice as much! It’s crazy.

    4. Anima*

      My parents got the “feed once a day, when it’s empty ist empty” route and seems to be working. They do not feed every day at the same time, so they get lots of different birds.
      Occasionally a raccoon* empties the feeder, do you maybe have raccoons where you live? My parent couldn’t tell except when it damaged a feeder (my dad builds them so they just repair/replace the feeder).
      *I’m in Germany, so raccoons are definitely *not* native! We were stumped at the beginning what caused the damages until my mum got visual proof it’s raccoons.

    6. Flower*

      I feed them uncooked oatmeal. They love it and all the sites I’ve looked at say it’s ok for wild birds. You have to bring it in if it’s going to rain, though, as when oatmeal gets wet it can stick to beaks. They also don’t scatter it everywhere like birds do with mixtures, looking for their favorites. (I don’t have a hanging bird feeder, I have a bowl on a fire escape.) I get crows and dark-eyed juncos and sometimes a dove.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I didn’t know crows would eat that. I hear them around sometimes. I would love to have a crow friend, but I didn’t know how to attract them.

        What I really want is for the raven I saw to come back and hang out with me. :)

    7. Kathenus*

      Here’s what I feed, and for the record I do have squirrels eat out of them too and I’m fine with it. The thing for me is that I just have a set amount I put out each day versus filling them.

      One feeder – black oil sunflower seeds, second feeder – wild bird seed mix, plus suet feeder, plus water bowl.

      I have one of those scoop/funnels, and I put one scoop into each feeder each day. During part of the year I put a full suet cake in, but during migration when they’ll eat through it daily I split it in half and only put in a half each day.

      So I feed an amount I’m comfortable with financially, and when it’s gone for the day it’s gone.

    8. The Ramones*

      What is the feeder squirrels can’t get to?
      I’d love to be able to feed the birds without the squirrels getting into it (and eating it all) and I’d still toss out the whole peanuts for the squirrels.

      1. WFH4VR*

        You need a caged feeder. Look up the Duncraft brand. I have two. They are 100% squirrel proof. The only thing I don’t like about them is cardinals and bluejays are too big to fit through the caging.

      3. MozartBookNerd*

        Hmm, I like one made by Brome brand called the Squirrel Buster. It doesn’t need battery charging and it’s very effective. Nifty little design to close up from the weight of a squirrel but not the weight of the birds.

        In fact I’m mystified about why a birdfeeder would need battery charging. Something about rotating? But why is it good for it to rotate?

        1. Ron McDon*

          I have this one too – lighter birds can sit on the stands and feed, but if a squirrel (or large bird, like a pigeon) gets on the stand it pulls the feeder down which closes up the access to the seed – ingenious!

          But our large birds have discovered if they fly into the feeder and make it swing, the seed falls out. A bit annoying, when I have a bird table and scattered seed that the larger birds can access, and bought the Squirrel Buster especially for the smaller birds to feed from…!

    9. WFH4VR*

      KayTee Fruit and Nut. It has the least amount of millet in it. The woodpeckers and nuthatches love it because it has peanuts.

    10. Chaordic One*

      I buy whatever birdseed Costco has in stock. It seems like they only carry one brand and I can’t even remember what it is. I just looked and it is “Audobon Park” Nature’s Blend. The birds seem to like it.

  19. Vaca*

    We have a bonded pair of neutered male cats (3 years old). I found a 14 week old female kitten and brought her home, cleaned her up. She’s super friendly with people but she and the guys keep hissing at each other. Any ideas? It’s been about a week, 3 days of them really seeing each other.

    1. Double A*

      Definitely give it more time. But mixed genders can really change cat dynamics. My female cat died last month and it’s made me realize how much one of my male cats was kind of…stifled by her. I mean he’s a total weirdo so I don’t feel that bad, but he does seem rather more relaxed with her gone. As for her, she loved male cats but wouldn’t tolerate males.

      Right now we have two males and want to adopt kittens and I’m really considering keeping it an all boy car household.

      So while definitely give it time and kittens are generally more adaptable… sometimes cats are not compatible or won’t tolerate other cats of a certain gender.

      1. Lala*

        I think time is important, but we had bonded cats (male and female) and they never really hung out with anyone else but each other: cat or human. then the male cat of the pair died, and the female cat adopted a person. we had another female cat, and they never fought, but weren’t close either, though they hung out sometimes when all humans were gone. eventually, a male kitten showed up and the female cats got along with him, but only when the older female cat died did the other cats become closer.
        I definitely think there’s every hope that the hissing will eventually stop, but beyond that…I think cat dynamics can be hard, but especially when you have a bonded pair already.

    2. Clumsy Ninja*

      I had two spayed females (7 years old) and brought home a male kitten (approx 8-10 weeks old) in late June. It was probably two months before my one female decided he was possibly okay, and at least another 1-1.5 months before my other female tolerated him. I wouldn’t say they’re best buddies now, but they do get along in the same space and will even play together to some extent. So I’d give it more time and make sure the older ones have room to get away from the young one. Your age difference isn’t as much as mine, but the kittens can really be annoying to the adults. ;)

    3. Charley*

      I would slow way down on the introduction. At one week in, I’d suggest still keeping them separated and just getting used to each other’s scents.

    4. Canadian Cat Lady*

      Slow it down! As far as they’re concerned, she’s a bratty teenager with no couth – keep them separated longer.
      Some cats are responsive to Feliway pheromones – a diffuser running for a month helped my guy to accept a new friend.
      Take a clean sock (actually, three clean socks) and rub each cat down with a sock – leave hers in their area, and vice versa. Don’t try to rub them with each other’s smells – just leave them to be found.
      Don’t force them to eat together – but you can gradually move their plates closer. And make sure that with an extra cat, you have an extra litter-box!
      She’s a lucky girl – I hope it works out for you all!

  20. Forensic13*

    Anybody doing NaNoWriMo this year? (Or another version; I know a lot of people are quite annoyed with them.) I’m doing the literal writing, but not participating on the site the way I used to.

    1. Double A*

      I happened to be committing to increasing my writing exactly when it started this year so I thought what the heck and signed up. But I track my word count progress is a spreadsheet anyway so I thought what the heck. There’s no way I’ll hit 50,000 words in a month as that would take several hours of writing each day or full weekend days which I can’t do, but I do have a goal to write every day this month. Except I can’t seem to add a second goal.

      So I’m updating it but that is all; I’m not digging deeper into any of the other stuff. I read some of the FAQs about what they were changing but I didn’t really understand it. Seems like insider drama. I thought the idea was just to set a goal and track it, I’m not sure how much deeper I’d want to get.

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’ve never participated in this event personally since I can’t imagine writing anything longer than my blog posts, but I know others who have. I’m curious about what the annoyances you reference are.

      1. Hlao-roo*

        Slate had an article on this in September. If you search “Slate National Novel Writing Month: Inside the Heated Controversy That’s Tearing a Writing Community Apart” you should be able to find the article from Sept. 11, 2024.

        The short version is NaNoWriMo said (some) writers could use generative AI to hit their word counts, then walked that back when writers were angry.

        I’ll link to the article in a follow-up comment.

          1. WoodswomanWrites*

            Thanks Hlao-roo, Sloanicota, and Missa Brevis. I read the Slate link and found the Reddit threads about people’s experiences with NaNoWriMo. Even though I’m not involved, the history makes me indignant on behalf of my fellow writers. I have a friend who participated years ago and still have the fun novel she created. As for the organization itself, I won’t comment further since it’s the weekend.

          1. Missa Brevis*

            Yeah, even before the AI debacle there was already some long-standing discontent about lack of safeguarding for minors in the forum communities and egregious mishandling of complaints. There’s a decent writeup in the r/hobbydrama subreddit.

        3. RagingADHD*

          There have also been a series of very terrible scandals involving website / forum moderators exploiting minors.

        4. WestSideStory*

          I don’t participate formally and I’m appalled anyone would think AI assistance would be a good thing for novelists – there is far too much AI-generated garbage out there already in self-published platforms.

          Last year I did start in November on a mystery novel, got up to chapter 6 but then life intervened! I expect to get back to it again sometime.

    3. Magda*

      Yeah, sigh, having a month of high production became part of my process, and the community aspect was really nice, but this year I’m doing my own separate thing without engaging with nanowrimo specifically. And it’s not going nearly as well.

    4. Maryn*

      Writing website AbsoluteWrite.com/Forums is hosting its own novel-writing month after the NaNo people announced that AI “writing” was acceptable and used disabled people as their shield.

      I’m not participating (although I write every day), but cheering on those who are.

    5. MEHSquared*

      I am. Just to kickstart my writing. I’ve done it for over a decade, migrating more to being a NaNoRebel in the last five or so years. This has been a terrible year, though, and I’ve been unable to write so basic NaNoWriMo has been great for getting me back to writing something other than blog posts. I have never interacted with the community, though, so it’s mostly just tracking my word count.

    6. Random Bystander*

      I’m doing another version. I probably don’t have to get into the reasons why I won’t do the official NaNo.

      My goal is 79k for November words (I had 23k before)–this will give me a complete first draft.

    7. SparklingBlue*

      I’ve done a Kinda-Wrimo before (NaNo with the rules bent). Specifically, I don’t have to write a novel–I can write as much as I want, in any style I want, so long as it adds up to 50,000 words.

      I’m not doing it this time, but good luck to those that are.

  21. Pop*

    I’m going to USVI (St Thomas) next March. Would love any recommendations, tips, etc! We’ll be staying outside of Red Hook and like all of the outdoor activities (hiking, snorkeling, Paddleboarding, etc), among other things.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Have been to St John, and recommend hiring a boat to take you out to cool snorkeling locations. I remember going to a place that had coral tunnels–it was like being in a David Attenborough documentary. Incredibly cool and unique.

      A memorable St John hike was park ranger led, and we got dropped off at the top of the mountain and hiked down to the bay, where a boat took us around to the main town. This is the hike where I got to sample durian. (Does in fact smell like old socks.) So I would definitely check with the NPS on St Thomas for interesting options.

    2. WestSideStory*

      You must see Megan’s Bay. It’s in St. Thomas, and aside from being well-known to tourists, it is a lovely turquoise water beach. It’s shallow for most but I got a good head start on my snorkeling technique before heading into the deeper water elsewhere.

    3. TravelTips*

      I found St Thomas was great for shopping and visiting historical sites but I took a boat ride to St John to do my snorkeling. Trunk Bay was amazing. I should note this was more than 15 years ago now, so take this with a grain of salt.

  22. Skincare Question*

    Do you moisturize your eyelids? Do you do it both night and day? Only at night? Only during the day? If you do it during the day, do you use a moisturizer with sunscreen?

    1. Six Feldspar*

      Mine get moisturised in the sense that I put sunscreen or moisturiser on them when I’m doing the rest of my face, but i don’t do anything special

    3. RedinSC*

      I use vaseline to remove my eye makeup, so in a sense, yes, but just once a day, at night when I’m prepping for bed.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I have used eye specific moisturizers in the past, and now will occasionally swipe with vaseline or aquaphor.

    5. Ellis Bell*

      Most moisturisers and sunscreens will tell you to avoid the eyes. Whenever I use sunscreen anywhere near my eyes, or even my brows, I end up with it in my eyes at some point during the day and no amount of splashing or wiping will get rid of the sting. I like to use very light non drip gels, or hyaluronic near my eyes but never on the actual lids (if I felt the need to moisturise lids, I’d go with something very bland and unlikely to harm the eyes like a swipe of olive oil on a cotton pad, which is a very underestimated moisturizer. Or cucumber slices). For sun protection, I prefer oversized shades, baseball caps and hats to products. Giving yourself a makeup break (if applicable) can refresh eyelids if you’re having a temporary issue. I also really like the Body Shop’s chamomile balm for eyelids and lashes; it’s not a moisturizer but it’s incredibly softening to the skin and it takes eye makeup away in one swoop, if you are someone who wears any. I use it even when I don’t because it gets rid of sleep and freshens the lids.

    6. RussianInTexas*

      I put eye cream under my eyes and over eyelids twice a day. ROC Retinol something. That’s all.

    8. Miss Molly*

      I never used anything on my eyelids, until I started using a tretinoin cream for acne. I increased the frequency of applying tretinoin over several months until like your supposed to when starting, but then when winter hit, my whole face dried out drastically, especially around my eyes, even though I didn’t use the tretinoin near them. So I decreased my tretinoin use and really started globing on my face cream, careful to apply it around my eyes and on my eyelids.

      I’ve continued using the face cream on my eyelids anytime I wash my face, and now I use a children’s sunscreen stick on my eyelids in the morning. (If I use a liquid sunscreen, it burns my eyes after a few hours.)

    9. Chauncy Gardener*

      Yes. I use that Clinique eye cream both on my lids and under my eyes. If I don’t, I look like heck, but I’m in my 60’s so YMMV.

    10. Kay*

      No, both due to personal experience with it getting in my eyes and at the recommendation of my aesthetician/derm. Product is supposed to go only where the bone is due to how thin the skin is according to them.

      1. Filosofickle*

        I’ve been thinking about this since I responded, and yeah this is why I don’t! I have heard not to put products too close to the eye to prevent irritation and clogged ducts. (Also despite the rest of my face having gone the way of the Sahara, I have never once needed moisture on my lids.)

    11. mreasy*

      I put my nighttime eye cream on my eyelids as well as under eyes. My daytime eye cream is too spicy for eyelids so I just include them when I put my lotion on all over my face.

    12. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      I swipe my whole face including eyelids with jojoba oil; it doesn’t hurt if it gets in my eyes and it’s really close to our natural sebum so it is one of the very few things that doesn’t break me out.

  23. Anon Poster*

    Very low-stakes question, but how do people keep French press coffee warm? This is not an issue on work days since the coffee goes directly into an insulated travel cup. But on weekends, I make enough for about two cups and drink from a regular coffee mug. The second poor is just slightly too cool. I tried switching to a drip coffee maker for the heating element, but there are too many little crevices that make it hard to clean to my satisfaction. I don’t want to drink from the insulated cup on weekends because I associate it with work, which kills the vibe. I also don’t want to pour the second cup of coffee into an insulated container because that’s just one more dish to wash. I see online that cozies and insulated French presses exist. Do the cozies actually work? Does anyone use an insulated French press that they believe is worth the higher price point? Any other suggestions besides the ones I’ve already stubbornly rejected?

        1. Is it Friday yet?*

          I also microwave, especially if I don’t pour the first cup as soon as it’s ready. But I like my coffee really hot.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        Can second this – keeps the coffee hot for a second cup. I also like the metal more than the glass, as it’s a lot sturdier, and easy to clean.

        1. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

          I have one and that’s why I switched. I used to faff with a separate insulated thermos that I poured the coffee into, but I kept breaking the glass beakers of the press. So then I bought a stainless french press that is a 2 in 1.

          My newest is the Bodum stainless press that actually has a silicone ring inside – quite expensive, but no more dregs in my cup. And no more wires getting caught on the sponge when you clean it.

      2. Anima*

        Yes, those are the way to go! I use one of those, too, and it keeps the coffee warm enough for the second cup.

    3. Weegie*

      I use a coffee cosy (I made it from crocheted squares sewn together), and it keeps the coffee warm while it’s ‘brewing’. Not sure it would keep the remaining coffee warm long enough for a second cup, though. Before I made the cosy, I just used to wrap a hand towel around the press, and it did the job. Why not try that, and see if it works?

    6. Percy Weasley*

      Here’s another vote for an insulated stainless steel press. I have 2 and they’re amazing.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I want one. I keep breaking all my glass ones — I’m on like, my sixth one. The Doctor Who press I got from ThinkGeek was especially heartrending to destroy since ThinkGeek is no more. :(

        1. Lady Alys*

          I broke two glass carafes in one week and took that as a message from the universe to get an insulated stainless steel model. Can definitely recommend.

    7. AnonyOne*

      I fold up a tea towel, wrap it around the press through the handle (hence the folding) and tuck or pin it in place. Not perfect but provides some insulation.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I bought a load Advent/Christmas magazines today, and one of them has instructions on how to crochet your own cover.

      2. Chaordic One*

        These are widely available and surprisingly inexpensive. (Can’t use them at work because the safety Nazis are sure they’ll cause a fire and burn the building down. I have one at my home office I use when I work from home.) Most of them are now priced at around $20.00 or so, but if you keep your eyes open you can find one on sale for quite a bit less. Can’t quite believe that someone would buy a $90 heated mug when they can buy on of these coffee warmers that does the same thing for so much less.

    9. Retirednow*

      We have an insulated French press pot that makes two large cups and we love it. Totally worth it.

    11. Phlox*

      I made myself a French press cozie out of leftover wool, basically gave it a jacket. I think it helps, but mostly it’s very cute

    12. FlightfulFancy*

      I use an insulated one as well. It actually helps keep the drinks hot for most of my day. There’s a good number of them out there. The one I got is from Target and it works wonders! I can’t remember the brand off the top of my head but it was also relatively affordable. (Around $25 I believe).

  24. Arabesque*

    Question about transitioning from a family of 3 to 4. I have a 20 month old toddler, with another little one due in May. I’m very nervous about handling two small kids once the baby arrives. How do I juggle the toddler if the baby is crying? My toddler is a runner, how do I corral her if my hands are full with the baby? Any advice? I’m open to any suggestions about specific products people used, philosophies to parenting, organization methods, etc.

    1. allathian*

      I only have one kid so I’m following this discussion with interest.

      Toddlers change so much so fast and by the time your second baby arrives they’ll be two years old. I’m 30 months older than my sister and some of my first memories are from fetching diapers for my mom. My mom tells me that helping channeled my sibling jealousy for her attention in a constructive way.

      Baby wearing could help with the corraling. But mobile toddlers need to explore their surroundings and having another baby will force you to let go a bit. Toddlers learn their physical limits by exceeding them. Falling over and hurting themselves a bit is what toddlers need to do to learn their limits. Bumps and bruises and the associated crying are fine, concussion isn’t.

      If your toddler is attracted to screens, let them look at a screen while you’re feeding the baby if you’re planning on exclusive breastfeeding. You can’t not feed the baby and it’s okay to do what it takes to entertain/distract your toddler while you do it.

      But my friends with more than one kid tell me that even quite young toddlers can help by holding the bottle if you’re feeding formula or pumping + bottle feeding. Let them feel like they’re a big kid and do what toddlers usually want to do, feel useful and bask in your approval.

      You’ve got this and congratulations!

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Feeding the baby can also be “go get some books and we’ll have special reading time” for the toddler.

    2. I didn't say banana*

      I read something that I thought was interesting – if your baby and your toddler are both crying, help your toddler first. Your baby won’t remember that they cried a minute longer but your toddler would remember if you chose the baby.

      I’m about to bring my second child home (she’s in the NICU right now). I worry about some of the same things as you, but I remind myself that people have been raising multiple children for thousands of years and I can do it too. I felt really connected to all women throughout time from my pregnancy and childbirth experiences, in a “damn, we’re amazing” kind of way, so that has helped.

      1. Observer*

        if your baby and your toddler are both crying, help your toddler first. Your baby won’t remember that they cried a minute longer but your toddler would remember if you chose the baby.

        That’s just not true. A lot depends on the specifics. And if there is a pattern of letting the infant cry, then that *will* affect the infant. Especially since it’s rarely “a minute”.

        I’m not saying to always attend the infant. I *am* saying that rules like this simply ignore how infant and child development works.

    3. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Put a lock of some kind on the fridge (I have seen Velcro strap ones). I remember a friend with a baby and a toddler telling me the toddler would go to the fridge and open it and just start removing things in a “helping mummy” way and inevitably dropping them, while mummy was feeding the baby and unable to get up. Maybe the toddler would like to watch Bluey as a treat while the baby is feeding!

      1. Observer*

        Put a lock of some kind on the fridge

        Yes!!!!

        Also, get down and hands and knees (or better yet, your partner) and look around and see what you see. Any outlets, cabinet doors that lead to dangerous or fragile items, etc. need to be covered or locked.

    4. Shiara*

      I did a lot of baby wearing to have my hands free to keep up with the toddler, although mine was 3 when the second one arrived.

      Getting them to help (or “help”) with the baby helped. I’d read and snuggle my oldest while breastfeeding the youngest when possible. Also giving the baby to spouse and staying involved in oldest’s bedtime helped.

      It was interesting how, when the oldest was only, my day was very dictated by their schedule. When youngest came along, oldest’s schedule still reigned and youngest did much more napping on the go than oldest ever did.

      I’ll also recommend “Siblings Without Rivalry” by Adele Faber for ways to talk about the new sibling, and stuff that comes later.

    5. rkz*

      My kids are now 2 and 4, so I remember all of those same fears! Baby wearing when the baby is little was definitely the way to go. I particularly liked the sling wraps because they were the easiest to get on and off and I found them more intuitive than some of the Moby style ones. and then a more structured carrier when the baby got a little older and heavier. you’ll also probably want some kind of double stroller or wagon for when you just need to contain both kids!

      but more big picture, you will definitely figure it out! I got more comfortable letting the toddler explore out of arms reach, and also with leaving the baby out of my reach but within my eyesight. I also remember being impressed by the things I could do with my toddler while nursing or pumping (we managed to read books or have conversations about the pictures on our digital picture frame).

      also, remember that at first the baby sleeps SO much! I found that I actually had more time than I thought to play with my toddler in the first few weeks because the baby would be sleeping most of the day.

    6. Genevieve*

      I read this at first as you having three kids and going to four, and my reaction was “I’m sure it’s a change but you’ve already done it!” Probably because I’m reading this as I sit between my two kids and dog who are jumping all over me…

      Mine are closer to three years apart, but here’s what worked for us, obviously ymmv, etc.:

      – I had a planned C-section and so we made damn sure that I had someone else home for the first two weeks and was never left alone with both kids. Dad/Grandma gave toddler lots and lots of special attention.
      – double stroller. I had a BOB, which worked for us but I’m not sure I would get again. It didn’t hold up super well (we actually had to exchange the first one because the seat just broke). It’s also too wide to really use inside anywhere. But our sidewalks are terrible and it folded easily and fit in our mid-sized sedan, so I could schlep it to the zoo. I wore my first baby all the time, but because I am tiny and my oldest is large and strong and fast, wearing #2 was not easy outside of the house. I needed a safe place to put the baby down so I could sprint after the big one, and an easy way to get them both home in the event of a meltdown. Also: walking naps for both!!!
      – baby gates all over the house so you can easily separate them in safe areas. I often needed to have dog, baby, and toddler all separated so I could attend to one without worrying the other two were getting into trouble.
      – bassinet/pack n play/crib on each floor or in each main area – again, so you can easily lay baby down safely wherever you are.
      – monitors all over! I had one on each floor, again, so I could hear what was going on while I was somewhere else (we just had the v-tech audio monitors, nothing fancy). I actually still use mine and now the kids are old enough that they can use the intercom function.

    7. Snickerdoodles*

      This is a little absurd, but we used a dog fence as a baby gate to block the living room off from the rest of the house, essentially turning it into a giant playpen that we could semi-easily step in and out of. Toddler would still get angry about being shut in whenever we had to leave the living room, but I would sometimes keep a box of toys that he hadn’t played with in a few days and throw something new in as a distraction when I just NEEDED A MINUTE.

      But I’d also recommend communicating with the other adults in your life about your worries and accepting all offers of help. If you’re not getting offers, make demands! It’s not unreasonable to ask a friend to take the toddler to the park for a few hours. Some hard-learned advice I’ll share is that most people love to be asked, now and then, for a favor. It shows trust and can strengthen your relationships.

      And it will be hard, but try to remember to enjoy it, too. As someone who is looking back on the time when my kids were tiny, I wish I had more time with them, a hundred more pictures, and a thousand more videos.

      1. Observer*

        But I’d also recommend communicating with the other adults in your life about your worries and accepting all offers of help.

        Yes. Please do that. A village *really* helps.

        Also, please keep in mind your partner should *absolutely* be a partner with the child-raising. Fathers shouldn’t “baby sit”. They should “take care of his child”.

    8. Tulip*

      I recommend la leche league, too, if that’s something you’d be interested in. I found it to be a very welcoming, supportive group when I was in that phase of life. My local group always had lots of helpful advice.

    9. Hypatia*

      *Make sure you prepare for your outings ahead of time, so you’re not trying to corral toddler, feed baby, and pack a diaper bag all at the same time.
      * A double stroller is great- I had an umbrella one that was a lifesaver- nice, light, maneuverable. One with one seat in front and one behind also worked well- it fit through doors easily. I’m not a big fan of the ones where the car seats clip in- they seem very bulky, but it might work for you.
      *know which rules you want to enforce strictly with toddler, and follow through.
      *give toddler plenty of time to run and play. go to a park, toddler runs around, you collapse on a bench with baby.
      *it gets easier with practice – just as you got used to your first baby, you’ll get used to handling two!
      *Most kids get used to baby pretty quickly, and jealousy isn’t a problem as long as you deal with their emotions honestly and without drama. slSome parents accidentally feed into the drama and that can foster resentment.
      Good luck!

    10. Rara Avis*

      I know that there are strong opinions about harnesses/leashes, but my nephew was energetic with tall parents and a younger sister, and the leash saved both their backs and sanity in places were running would be a problem.

      1. LBD*

        One of mine was a runner and I used a harness for him. Even holding his hand wasn’t guaranteed to keep him with me as he would just burst into a run, and it isn’t possible to hold a small child’s hand tightly enough to keep them from pulling their hand out of yours all. the. time. And sometimes the child doesn’t want to hold someone’s hand for the whole time. I would usually hold his hand and the harness at the same time but sometimes he wanted a bit more freedom. He doesn’t seem to have been emotionally harmed by the experience and it meant we could do a lot more walking and exploring with less stress!

      2. Gamer Girl*

        Yes! I got a small leash, which we nicknamed “wristie” because mine was 3 and a runner AND living in a big city AND walking everywhere (no car). It went around my wrist and my child’s wrist and was only 8 bucks.

        A few people made comments about us “being tourists” loudly while walking behind me, and I just made the choice to ignore them. preventing my energetic toddler from running headlong into traffic was way more important than what people thought! I started wearing wristie in the house, then outside while I was still 9 months pregnant so that she didn’t see it as a consequence of the baby.

        What I didn’t anticipate was how many moms would stop me and say, “Where did you get that?!” Far more overwhelmed parents worried about their kids than judgey people is all I’m saying!

        You can also get backpack style harnesses, which my sibling used to great effect (she was a runner herself, and my mom always said she wished she had had something similar–she did resort to using a length of clothesline tied around her waist at the fair in the eighties once!) As my sister lives in the deep woods, she literally had to make sure her child didn’t get eaten by a big predator or jump off of the mountainside. Safety first! Her kids are basically mountain goats now and can climb anything, so it didn’t hamper their development in the least.

        Last advice: don’t leave them alone together for the first months. Like ever. Toddlers love their little baby siblings, but they’re still at an age where they get big feelings of frustration. My 3 year old daughter slapped her three week old newborn sibling once while we were in the kitchen. That is a normal reaction–though frightening!–for that age. I had heard the same from friends before and since. I’m really glad I was there so that I could deal with it and then committed to never leaving them alone together. She eventually grew out of it, but it took about a year until I could be certain that that phase was over (we are a never-hit family, so it was not a behavior she had ever seen modeled, btw!) For me, that was the hardest part of having two. The newborn slept through the night starting at 2 months (breastfed!) so that was a very pleasant surprise that made everything a lot easier with two than one. My daughter didn’t sleep through the night until she was nearly a year old and I started hallucinating when she was two months old! Whatever your situation is with sleep, make sure you get enough of it. As others have already mentioned upthread, make sure you take any and all offers of help that you can, make a big deal of it being a “special treat!” for your oldest if they get to go somewhere without you, and take care of yourself first before the house! (easy to say, hard to do, but honestly made the transition and snatching sleep that much easier when I made that my mantra with my second!)

        1. Observer*

          So much good advice here!

          preventing my energetic toddler from running headlong into traffic was way more important than what people thought!

          Yup.

          In general, this is an *extremely* useful mind set. Keeping your child safe, and in general looking out for their welfare is just in a different league from “what people think.” And keep in mind that “What people think” often has nothing to do with what is actually good for your kid.

          Far more overwhelmed parents worried about their kids than judgey people is all I’m saying!

          I can imagine. Not all of the worried parents are going to say anything to you, but you can be sure that there are going to be a LOT more sympathetic people than you might ever realize.

          don’t leave them alone together for the first months. Like ever

          Yes!!!!!

          My kids laugh because one of the most common things out of my mouth for years was “She / He is not a dolly!” and now, they are hearing me say this to *their* kids. They agree with me! They are happy when I intervene in these cases, so I’m not overstepping. But it’s a bit of a joke in the sense of “Mommyism #234”.

          But yes, your toddler may love their new sibling to the moon and back, but toddlers are not exactly known for their good judgement, yah know?

          Like, trying to dress the baby up, waking the baby up because want to kiss it or whatever other thing they come up with. And trust me, the toddler WILL surprise you!

          take care of yourself first before the house!

          Yes!!! And if that means that food doesn’t get prepared, people don’t have clean clothes or other essentials are not happening, it’s time for your partner to step up, reaching out to your friends and family, and / or paying for some help. We have a really strong cultural bias against paying for this kind of help, but honestly it’s ridiculous. And it’s often absolutely not a luxury.

      3. Observer*

        and the leash saved both their backs and sanity in places were running would be a problem.

        Exactly this. But also, the leash can be a *literal* life-saver. As @LBD says, it’s just not always possible to hang on to a kid tightly enough to keep them from running off all. the. time. And trying to do that is a lot less restrictive than the leash.

    11. Katefish*

      I’ve been popping the baby in a front pack when I know I need hands free to run after the toddler. Working surprisingly well so far!

    13. Observer*

      How do I juggle the toddler if the baby is crying?

      Sometimes you’re going to need to let the baby cry for a bit. Sometimes you’re going to really need to corral the toddler. And sometimes something like baby wearing is a HUGE help, if you can do it. (It doesn’t work for everyone.) Also, some babies do well in swings, but you need to make sure that you have the right kind of swing Really young infants really shouldn’t be in the kind of swing that’s like a sack with two holes. Rather get one that has what looks like an infant seat for the baby. Also, an infant seat that you can rock is great. And my kids tell me that the ones that can rock by themselves are even better. (Check safety ratings, though. Some have had recalls.)

      My toddler is a runner, how do I corral her if my hands are full with the baby?

      Again, baby wearing can be extremely useful. (And again, I know it doesn’t work for everyone. But it’s worth looking into.) Also, create an enclosed safe space for the toddler.

      When you are outside, and Toddler is not in to a carriage, but some sort of “leash” on them. There are number of products. And don’t let anyone give you a hard time about your child not being a dog. Sure, but that’s why you need to restrain them somehow. Even if Toddler is on a buggy board type contraction because it’s waaaay too easy for Toddler to see something interesting and just jump off before you know what hit you.

    14. Mostly Managing*

      I have four, though my youngest is in high school now!

      There are lots of useful tips here about baby wearing, toddler harnesses, and double strollers.

      The biggest thing though? Trust your instincts! Every child is different. Every parent is different. Every family has a slightly different way of being that works ok for them.
      People are (unfortunately) going to judge whatever you do, so at least be content with your choices as much as you can!

    15. ReallyBadPerson*

      You’ve received a lot of good advice here. I’m going to second (fifth?) the harness idea. It was so helpful when we were on a crowded street.
      But the main thing I wanted to say was that it’s so, so easy to imagine how difficult having two kids will be, and yet, when the second one arrives, you find you can manage most things much better than you had previously thought.
      Also, there will be some days when you count keeping your kids alive as a win.

  25. Moving home tips?*

    Hello everyone,

    It’s been a rollercoaster week! A house we’d fallen in love with unexpectedly came back on the market, we quickly booked viewings of our house, got an offer, and are now buying that house!

    We’ve been in our current house for 22 years, so moving house is a dim and distant memory.

    I know the wonderful ASM community will have lots of practical tips, can I please pick your brains about the actual house move?

    We’re in the UK, moving about a 10 min drive away, and will be hiring a moving company.

    We were thinking we’d pack the boxes ourselves, then have the movers pack and unload everything.

    Does anyone have a ballpark figure of what it cost them to move from a large-ish 3 bed house in the uk recently? I’ve booked companies to quote in a few weeks but would be good to brace myself!

    Finally: tips for a smooth move? We’ve already decluttered a lot, but will continue to be quite ruthless about getting rid of stuff we no longer want/need.

    What things did you do that helped make your move go well, or what things should I avoid?!

    It’s a busy weekend (for every foreseeable weekend!) so I might not be able to engage much in the comments, but please know I will be reading every comment and saving this thread to come back to, over and over again – all advice gratefully received!

    Thank you x

    1. Six Feldspar*

      I cannot recommend enough making a numbered list as you pack, so the boxes have numbers on them and you have the list for reference (boxes 1-6 kitchen, boxes 7-9 bathroom, etc). Much easier than writing what’s in every box on the box itself and it’s easier to track the number of boxes and spot if any are missing.

      1. Sage*

        I highly recommend paying the movers to pack too. you can ask for two quotes – one with packing and moving, and one just moving. for us (also in the UK) it wasn’t as much more for the packing as I had thought and it means the contents was insured for breakages (they don’t do this if you pack yourself). and it definitely felt like money well spent to us!

        1. English Rose*

          Yes this. It is more expensive but worth every penny in physical and mental energy to get the movers to do the packing as well (I’m also in the UK)
          Great news about your house!

          1. English Rose*

            Also, take with you in the car one box with what you’ll need when you get there – kettle, tea/coffee, milk, snacks, toilet paper etc.

            1. Sloanicota*

              Right! Pack yourself a suitcase like you were going on a camping trip. Think through your first day and night in the house and pack the things you’ll want to get to easily. Put a few pairs of scissors, some cups/plates/one set of silverware per person, maybe even a pot if you have a lot of kitchen stuff it’s going to be annoying to dig through, your toiletries and pajamas, and the sheets and curtains you want to deal with first, in that bag. Put that bag in your car to take over personally. Maybe with a screw-top bottle of wine.

                1. Moving home tips*

                  English Rose, Sloanicota and Jill – great idea, thank you. I’d heard about packing the tea, coffee, kettle in a box to take separately, but having a suitcase full of ‘first night’ items is a cracking idea, thanks Sloanicota!

            2. MJ*

              But make sure you move the essentials box into the car BEFORE the movers arrive. My very helpful movers unpacked all the items from my packed and labeled “open first” box into other boxes and I didn’t realize until well after the fact when I found the empty box sitting in my bedroom! Frustrating, since I had no idea which box the stuff went into.

        2. DistantAudacity*

          Also, if you get them to do the packing you yourself can continue to focus on clearing stuff out, and do not have to stress with the packing over weeks of time in addition to that.

          For me, that was a great help – the whole thing is stressful enough as it is, but it was made much easier to just know that they would show up the day before moving with all the boxes and packaging, and just get the whole lot done in a day (or whatever time estimate you get).

          1. Sloanicota*

            It’s crazy to think they can pack a whole house nicely in a day! It takes me weeks to pack and it’s NOT done nicely and I always end up throwing the final things into chaos boxes.

            2. MJ*

              Partly they are so fast because they don’t worry about “Oh, I should really put this in the other box with xxx.” They just pack it where they find it – including putting clean clothing on top of dusty items from the closet shelf. :)

              But the move when I had them pack for me was so much less stressful than the one where I packed. Money well spent in my opinion!

          2. Moving home tips*

            Good point – we’re not sure yet if we’ll be moving before or after Christmas; we were thinking after, and that gives us time to pack over the Christmas break, but if we do end up moving before it would be far less stress to not have to worry about the packing! Thanks, Distant Audacity!

        4. Moving home tips*

          Sage, thanks for this – I’ve got movers coming to quote next week, so I’ll ask them to quote with and without packing, thank you.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Color code your boxes too, to help organize the unloading. I used colored duct tape – a patch on a couple sides of each box, and then a corresponding patch on the door or entryway of the room or space it needs to go to.

        Some directions can help too, depending on the complexity of the new house – I drew an up-arrow on the box if the destination was upstairs, down-arrow if it was in the basement, no arrow for the main floor. If it was the room to the right at the top of the stairs, the up-arrow turned 90 degrees right; if it was one of the ones to the left, the up-arrow turned left. The movers thought that was AMAZINGLY helpful, or so they said.

        Try to avoid labeling anything “miscellaneous.” That’s always the box that gets stuck in a closet and you don’t look at it for five years. :)

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          And eventually purchasing replicas of everything in said box because you can’t find them!

    2. Roland*

      If it’s in the budget, I’d recommend having movers pack just your kitchen. I’ve moved a few times over the last 5 years, smaller paces than yours, but that’s always the extremely most frustrating part. A few months ago I paid for them to pack just the kitchen and it was soooo helpful.

      Second the suggestion for numbering boxes and keeping a high level inventory for each number. I also did that for the first time last move and it was nice knowing what boxes to get to find clothes or shampoo. If I were moving a whole house I’d probably also add room names to boxes for the movers

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        It’s worth any amount of $$ to have someone else deal with wrapping every last plate and bottle of olive oil.

        1. Moving home tips*

          Thanks Roland and goddessoftransitory – I think we need to seriously consider paying for packing!

    3. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Are you able to bring a small amount of useful things to the new house yourself?

      I did this with the contents of my wardrobe (they fit in 2 large suitcases, brought them over with an Uber the week before moving) and with a large bag of cutlery and small kitchen accessories (by public transport on moving day while a van brought everything else). They ended up being things I was happy not to have to deal with. My clothes and shoes were already organised, so I had nothing left to do in the bedroom aside from helping build the bed, and the small kitchen stuff that would be painful to find in boxes already had its dedicated drawer, ready for meals in the chaos of unboxing days.

      1. Moving home tips*

        Yes, we’ll have our car and possibly hubby’s work van to move some items. I was thinking I’d probably pack and bring my undies, jewellery etc, just for my own peace of mind (and to save the movers having to look at my knickers) ;)

        Good point about the small kitchen drawer ‘stuff’ – thanks Cookies!

    4. EllenD*

      One thing I regretted not doing was getting professional cleaners to come in on the day after the move to clean the house thoroughly. While superficially clean I found the kitchen cupboards dirty, including spilled rabbit food in one drawer and dead flies on the window sills and cats’ fur. After the stress of moving (and cleaning the flat I was moving out off), it took a several days to clean the whole house before unpacking and just stretched things out.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Very good point. Paying for a deep clean while the house is empty is definitely better than trying to work around an entire house full of boxes.

      2. Moving home tips*

        Ugh that sounds horrible, you have my sympathy! Luckily we’re moving into a new build house so it will all be professionally cleaned before we move in, but thanks for the suggestion EllenD, that’s a great idea!

    5. saudade*

      As someone who just moved a large distance, I’d say: if at all possible have some overlap between move-out and move-in if you want to decorate/repaint at all.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah, there’s a precious window while the new house is empty – it’s a really nice time to (in this order) paint, refinish the floors, and clean out the vents. Also good to replace windows, fix ceilings – anything that is messy or cheaper/easier to do the *whole house* without having your stuff in the way.

        1. Arrietty*

          UK house sales typically happen in a big chain, all on the same day (obviously some properties are sold without a new purchase, and some purchasers aren’t selling, otherwise the whole country would have to move all at once!). Our contracts are exchanged much later in the process than in the USA, completion happens on the day everyone gets their keys and all move out at once.

          All that to say, people don’t typically have an overlap. My stepmum’s house’s former owners hadn’t actually moved out when she arrived to move in, she ended up helping them pack. My mum’s purchasers turned up before her moving van, and weren’t very happy.

          1. Jill Swinburne*

            I know someone that happened to – the previous owners had barely started packing. I’m a champion procrastinator but that was next level.

            I also know someone who received the keys and was greeted by a fully furnished house – the previous owners had sold and buggered off back to their home country and just left everything. So they ended up inviting everybody they knew to claim anything they fancied (bring a rubbish bag!) and crammed what they could into one room so they could actually move their stuff in.

            1. Moving home tips*

              Thanks Jill, for giving everyone moving home soon something completely new to fret about – tee hee! Oh my word, I think I’d collapse if I had to pack up my old house then clear out the new one too!

              I think in the UK house purchase contracts you list what you’re leaving/taking and can take legal action if stuff is left/taken that shouldn’t be, but I guess there’s no recourse if the seller has moved to another country!

              As Arietty said, we’ll all complete and move on the same day. But we’re lucky enough to be buying a new build, so no renovations needed.

    6. Bibliovore*

      Spend money on things that you want to replace now- shower curtain, new trashcans- do not move those things.
      Pack a box of essentials- scissors, toilet paper, paper towel. do not move cleaning supplies.
      Inventory your stuff- Are your sheets all holey and raggedy. start fresh at the new place.
      Get the place painted and if you are going to rip up the carpet, do it now.

      1. Moving home tips*

        Thanks Bibliovore – it’s definitely a good time to look at things with a critical eye and think ‘do we really want to pay for this to be moved to the new house?’.

        Hubby wants to get rid of some of the old bedroom furniture once we’ve moved and get new stuff; we’re torn between buying and using it now, so we’ll be taking what we want to keep, or waiting until after we’ve moved in case it gets damaged in the move.

    7. ReallyBadPerson*

      I have been through countless moves. Here is what I’ve learned: Pay to have your movers pack for you. They are much better at it than you are, and can more easily avoid breakages. If they do break anything, they are liable. Go to your new house and spend a few hours deciding 1) where things will go and 2) what needs to be painted or otherwise changed. Get the painting done before you move in. I have rarely done this and regret it every time! Do a deep cleaning, even if the previous owners did so. Focus on drawers and inside cabinets. I rarely fail to find crumbs or dust. Once the cleaning is done, use painter’s tape to mark where each piece of furniture will go. It helps on move-in day, because you can just tell your movers, “first floor bedroom, look for tape marked ‘pine bookcase.'” Label the important boxes yourself. Empty your trash before the packers come, or it will get wrapped. If you’ve got drawers of stuff like hair pins, creams, etc., get those organized into plastic bags before the movers pack them.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Buy at least three boxes of gallon plastic bags! We encased half our small possessions in them and it made dealing with them at both stages SO much easier.

      2. Moving home tips*

        Thanks ReallyBadPerson and goddessoftransitory – really good tips. I’m starting to think paying for packing might be money well spent!

    8. Maryn*

      The only time we moved nearby, I did a few things that worked out very well. My rule was that I made one trip a day with the car at least half full. I used laundry baskets and Sterilite tubs rather than boxes, and took them home again.
      -Deep clean the new place, paint as needed, shampoo rugs, put down shelf liner.
      -A card table and a couple of lawn chairs let me sit down, write myself notes.
      -Houseplants came over with me, not the movers.
      -I left us two sets of sheets and towels and moved all the rest.
      -I moved coats and clothing that were out of season.
      -One set of dishes, glassware, silverware moved to the new house. We were using Grandma’s good silver with melamine dishes, and so what?
      -I set up each bathroom for full use–soap, shower curtain, towels, toilet paper, etc. and put in nightlights so we could find them in unfamiliar dark.
      -Holiday decor moved and was stowed, with good labels to find it easily.
      -Keepers that we didn’t need access to came to the new house: board games, jigsaw puzzles, DVDs, my fabric stash, heirlooms, photo albums, wall art, yard art, bird feeders, memorabilia…
      -Certain tools moved, like snow shovels and rarely used hoes, rakes, like that.
      -Each bedroom had the right-sized sheets, a pillow (cheap, new), and a blanket in its closet.

      1. Moving home tips*

        Thanks Maryn, the way it (usually) works in the UK is you leave your old house and move into the new one on the same day, so no opportunity to move things in gradually. But I’m getting the sense it works differently in other countries, so those tips will be really useful for those not in the UK, I’m sure!

    9. Not A Manager*

      I’ve done a LOT of moves.

      – I personally prefer to pack myself. In my experience, *some* movers are excellent packers, some are terrible; it varies by employee, not company, so you really can’t tell in advance. Also, at least in the US, the moving company is not liable for poor packing unless you pay for additional insurance on the move. Otherwise it’s the same sixty cents per pound that’s included in the move price.

      With that said, I’ve helped some friends pack for their moves, and watching them “pack” was horrifying. So only pack yourself if you are willing to buy sufficient packing supplies and use them properly. I’m sure there are enough videos on how to do it.

      A compromise would be to only pack up your own books, linens, etc and let the movers do your fragile stuff.

      – I think there are packing apps now that let you link photographs of your box contents to bar codes, or something, but I’ve never used them. I do keep a spreadsheet with box numbers, room the items were packed from, and contents at some level of specificity. This is invaluable if you are planning to put some boxes in storage, or if you think your unpacking might take a while. If you’re truly planning to empty all of your boxes in one weekend, it’s probably not necessary.

      – Think through your first few days in the house and pack some boxes that address them. You’ll need immediate access to clean linens, a shower curtain and toiletries, coffee setup, simply cookware and utensils, etc.

      – Boxes take up a huge amount of space compared to their contents. I always bring a box cutter with me and start unpacking the kitchen boxes as the movers bring them in. You can shove all the dishes and glassware into random cupboards to organize later, but you’ll be a lot happier than having all those boxes stacked up. If you are nice to the movers and give them a good tip, they’ll break down the boxes for you and take them away with all the packing material.

      – Have the movers put your boxes into rooms partly by content, but partly by unpacking strategy. If you have a spare room or a large closet, have them put the boxes of books and tchotchkes and scuba gear in there, out of the way. The bedroom and living spaces, ideally, will only have the boxes of things that you will need soon and plan to unpack immediately.

      – Make one room into a sanctuary. For me, it’s the bedroom. If I can get the bed set up, with bedside tables and proper lamps, and keep other boxes either out of the room or neatly stacked in the corner, then I have a place to retreat to when the chaos gets to be too much.

      1. Moving home tips*

        Thank you, Not A Manager – all great tips, thanks for taking the time to write them out.

    10. I'm A Little Teapot*

      The most helpful thing you can do when moving is get rid of the clutter you don’t need. You’ve been in your house 20 years, I would not be surprised if you could easily get rid of 20% of what is currently in the house. The less you have to move, the easier and cheaper the move is.

      -If you haven’t used it in a year, are you going to use it?
      -If you have more than one, do you need more than one?
      -Keeping something because “family” or “kids” or anything sentimental is very common, but in the end, you will be dead and you can’t take it with you. Is it really worth keeping all that stuff? Storage, cleaning, maintenance, etc. It adds up, and far more than most people realize.
      -When moving houses, there will be some things that you needed at old house and do not need at new house. That odd sized screw driver that you needed to fix the faucet may not be needed at the new house because a standard size works just fine. Window treatments are pretty commonly on this list as well. Just because you’ll need curtains at the new house doesn’t mean the old curtains will be the right size.

      1. Moving home tips*

        I’m A Little Teapot – you’re so right, we’ve already been quite ruthless and got rid of a lot of stuff we’d shoved in cupboards or the loft because ‘I don’t know what to do with that, I’ll stick it in there and decide later’…

        I think we need a few more rounds of cupboard/drawer emptying, especially as our new home has a lot less storage, but once we’d accepted we needed to purge it was actually really satisfying and freeing – I felt ‘lighter’ after donating a van load of great quality ‘stuff’ to local charities.

        1. Retirednow*

          I haven’t moved in quite a while, but some good friends did comma a slightly further distance than you were moving, but they moved from a large house to a smaller house. I was amazed that they showed a picture of what they actually wound up taking with them. It was no more than which fit in a small van, as they were ruthless about anything they hadn’t used in a while or would be more easily replaced or would cost more to move than it would to buy new at the new place. I think you’ll be amazed at how much you find you’ve been let go of if that’s your goal. That will make the entire move. Much easier

    11. Jan*

      This is a little late, but one thing where we were able to help friends and families move was to get styrofoam coolers to pack breakables. My sister is a lab supervisor at a hospital and they get reagents in styrofoam coolers and then throw out the boxes and coolers. You could ask at the hospitals if they have those. Also, you can probably get boxes there for free (at least in the US).

        1. Time for Tea*

          UK source for styrofoam boxes – several dog food companies use these for online orders so people that use them regularly can end up with a stash if you ask on your local Facebook area or pet groups!

    12. goddessoftransitory*

      Once you’ve moved into the new house proper, do the following:

      1) Set up your bed completely, including making it up with sheets and blankets, ready to use. Lay out your PJs.

      2) Unpack and set up your immediate bathroom stuff, including shower curtain and towels, so the bathroom’s ready to use. shampoo, toothpaste, toothbrushes, facial stuff, whatever you use to get ready for bed.

      Once you are exhausted and can’t face another thing, bathe in your set up bathroom and collapse into your cozy bed.

      1. Moving home tips*

        Thanks goddess (and for your other contributions to this thread!), I think having everything set up ready to ‘flop’ the first night is a great idea!

    13. WestSideStory*

      I see no one has addressed this yet, but: remove your valuables the day before and get them to a friend’s house for safekeeping. This is advised over carrying them with you as you direct the movers etc. Maybe things are safer in UK, but I just read a police report from my old neighborhood where a 20-something was moving into a new apartment and put her bag carrying her laptop, phone and wallet/ID on a table. 20 minutes later it was gone. (Welcome to New York, kid…sigh)

      1. Moving home tips*

        Hi WestSideStory – wow, that poor young woman. I was thinking I’d take our valuables over in my car, but taking them to someone’s house for safekeeping instead is a great idea. The thought of someone taking our passports and valuables is really scary – we’re in a generally safe area, but you never know…

    14. Anono-me*

      This is USA based, so some things might not apply.

      Try to get the first appointment of the day. You don’t want to be waiting for your movers or rental truck due to someone else’s moving crisis. But if you are the last move of the day, some movers will only charge a small fee to leave your stuff in the truck overnight and deliver them first thing the next morning. This will give you time to paint critical areas and clean carpets.

      Paint the insides of closets and any pantrys at minimum and any walls that you know you will be painting where very heavy furniture will go.

      Put extension cords in any outlets where you will be putting heavy furniture even if you don’t intend to plug anything in now.

      Any box you pack should be 100% full even if you have to use newspaper. 100% full will make the box lots sturdier than if it is 90% full.

      Any furniture you take apart, put all the hardware/cords/remotes in a clearly labeled zippy bag and either tape it to the item or put it in a “treasure chest” box that you know 110% that you will not lose or misplace.

      Purge, purge, purge then purge some more. See if any local charities will do pick ups.

      Put masking tape on empty cupboards and closets.

      If you hire movers, offer them cool drinks and tell them which bathroom that they can use.

      Have a move in box with cleaning supplies, light bulbs, tp, snacks, waters, pop, felt floor protectors, and extension cords. (This is in addition to your own camping suitcase.) Have both of these in your car or otherwise secured from the movers before they arrive. Otherwise there is a good chance that they will be in the moving truck. )

      Change your locks in the new house and any garage remote opener codes.

      Print out and save the Real Estate Listing, It is a great start to a ‘House Book’. It is a book of everything you might need to know about your home: Paint colors, room dimensions, age of appliances, repair people phone numbers etc. You may want to ask your real estate agent if the prior homeowners can recommend any local repair people and if they can remember the names of any paint colors. (You may not want to keep their colors, but you also may want to touch up moving dings and wait to repaint.)

      In the USA crossing state lines significantly increased the price of a pro move, if something similar applies where you are: if possible consider hiring pro movers to load and unload a rental truck that you drive.

      At the old home, divide any favorite garden plants and ask a friend to plant sit for a few weeks. Check for any memories that are built into the house, such as a door frame with the yearly heights of all the kids in your lives. Take pictures or switch them out with nice replacements. (To all of you just starting to do the hight thing, get a hight board and hang it on the wall to avoid this situation.)

      Take a picture of yourselves in front of your old home on the last day and the new one on your first day.

      1. Anono-me*

        Also, if you find a new bedroom set, maybe see if the store will deliver it on move in day or if the movers will pick it up at the store on the way?

        1. Moving home tips*

          Thanks Anono-me, such a wealth of great tips! I appreciate you taking the time to write all that out :)

    15. Gamer Girl*

      Having moved many times, my top tips are:

      1. Move as little food as possible. Use up anything that’s open or perishable as you can and avoid buying new food until you move. It is absolutely the number one avoidable mess maker while moving.

      Go through your cupboards now and bin anything expired. Be ruthless! Use today or bin it! You haven’t used it yet, do not spend energy moving it! Are there non perishables close to date? Use them now. Are there unopened things still within date that you don’t think you’ll use? Donate! Many organizations do pickup if you call. Donate most of your unexpired canned goods and unopened non perishables to a food pantry. You’ll be doing a good deed and can start fresh with only things you need! (Do not donate anything expired, it is such a hassle and expense for the food pantry to deal with!) If you feel bad about binning expired canned goods, take a picture of them, place outside with a first come first serve sign/Post to your local buy nothing with a mention that they are expired but show no signs of spoilage. They’ll be gone within hours to people willing to take them.

      2. Inventory your towels and linens. Anything in bad shape? Wash it, then put in your kitchen to wrap dishes. While unpacking on the other side, put all these in a place to be used as rags.

      3. Don’t move broken things. As above, if you haven’t fixed it by now (and it didn’t break within the last couple weeks) do not move it. Put it outside with a “broken but free to any takers” sign/take a quick pic and post to a buy nothing group. Don’t leave them in the rain, and take anything that’s not gone within 2 days to a collection point or dump.

      4. Clean your kettle now before the move! Fresh kettle is always best!

      5. Pack your “move first” box and most precious items now and make sure you move that box yourself! Photo albums, jewelry, meaningful knickknacks, stuffed animals–do it now rather than saving them for last to prevent them being lost. Label “Most sentimental” or similar so that you know what the boxes are. Movers or friends won’t know what items would be irreplaceable to you, so pack those few things now to give yourself peace of mind!

      6. Pack your hobby items now: you won’t need them anytime soon. Any abandoned WIPs? Give away or bin (depending on the hobby and status) to free yourself from the mental burden of knowing you haven’t finished them.

      Be ruthless with crafting supplies, especially things that may be well expired like opened glue or paints.

      7. Go through your bathroom cabinets!
      -Medecines: Any and all opened medecines past their date? Remove them from recyclable packaging and put them in a bag or car to dispose of them at the pharmacy (please do not bin them!)
      -Pack your essentials in your handbag now! Ensure that controlled prescriptions are moved by you/your family only.
      -Go through your toiletries. Opened makeup is good for around 3 months unless you are religious about only using it on a perfectly clean face and not double dipping, then it may be good for a couple months longer. Bin anything suspect or old–your face will thank you!
      -Use up as many opened shampoos, etc as you can.
      -Donate unused, unexpired, unopened products to the food pantry if you can.
      -Throw out opened stuff you don’t want. Pour as much as you can into a single container to be able to recycle the others.

      8. Look through your books. Donate or put out for free books you don’t want. If you have friends offering to help, this is a nice, calming one for a helpful friend to take care of. Get small boxes from a wine store if you can–so much easier to move! Movers can put them into bigger boxes if they must

      9. Inventory your kitchen. What is damaged and needs replacing? Take it to the bin or collect point for metals. Clean your appliances if you can. Hire someone to deepclean your oven and/or dishwasher before moving if you can–your energy is better spent decluttering your things!

      10. Go through your junk areas and attic/storage spaces/garage. Be ruthless! Take out your holiday decorations, then cast a critical eye: what are the things you actually take out and use and what are you holding onto? Take out the things you need, hire someone to take big items and other junk away. This is the stuff that has a moving cost and a space cost –get rid of it now!

      10. Contrary to the other parts of your house: have any children pack up their things. If going through their stuff is overwhelming and emotional, just pack everything up and go through their things as you open the boxes. I did this with my last big move, and it saved me so much time! Emotionally, confronting one box of kid stuff at a time was much easier than decluttering first, and it was much more fair to my kids! We unpacked one box at a time, every day, and we either put an item away in the room, put coloring pages into a binder or into recycling, or put toys in a “special Santa” pile if they didn’t want it anymore (mine are still young, so it was easier than telling them something is broken and needs to be binned! I triaged afterwards and put anything broken into the bin in the dark of night!). We took a box of cleaned and gently used donations together, and the charity worker explained to the children how happy they would make other children. It was a really positive experience for them, and they now have a growing attitude of “passing on” rather than “keeping forever”, which I find to be a very positive outlook as they grow!

      I hope at least one of these tips is helpful! Moving all in one day sounds very stressful!

      Tip 11: Wipe down any cupboards before you unpack–you just don’t know what people put in them, if they had the time to clean them, or what might be mothy, etc. Get some lavender sachets for your clothes and Bay leaves and moth traps now in case for your food cupboard and pantry!

    16. Mostly Managing*

      If you pack yourself, colour code the boxes. A bit of duct tape or electrical tape, in say, Red for kitchen, Orange for main floor, Yellow for shed/garage, Blue for main bedroom, Green/Purple for kids rooms. On moving day, tape a list by the front door of which colour goes where.

      It makes it easy for anyone to see at a glance where, and if a box is in the wrong room.
      For the “last packed, first needed” kitchen boxes (kettle, essential dishes, you know the boxes!) use two stripes of red.

    17. SarahKay*

      Possibly too late, but if you’re checking back after the weekend: if you know where in each room you want your large pieces of furniture to go, pin / blu-tack up a sheet of A4 paper on the wall above where you want it, with the furniture description written in large marker. e.g. “Blue sofa” “arm chair”, “TV”. Life is much easier if the movers can plonk the pieces down in approximately the correct position.
      Similarly, an A4 sheet on each door naming/describing the room so that the movers know where you mean when you tell them “Oh, that wardrobe goes in the spare bedroom”.
      And seconding what others have said about getting a quote for pack-and-move vs move only. I had to move twice in the last two years (once up to Scotland into a short-term rental and then again when I’d purchased a flat) and life was so, so much easier having them pack for me.
      The only things I packed were two boxes of my most precious-to-me books and a couple of my most favourite ornaments, and I kept those boxes, plus some cleaning stuff, in a cupboard I’d emptied out earlier. I put another A4 sheet on that door marked “Do not pack or move” and for good measure an A4 sheet on the contents inside saying the same thing.
      Good luck!

  26. The Prettiest Curse*

    Very low-stakes question: how do you pronounce the multiplication symbol when it’s used to indicate a collaboration or joint appearance? (For example, the film title “Godzilla x Kong”.) Since (I think) this trend first appeared in the fashion world, I’m wondering if there’s some weird pretentious way that’s now the consensus pronunciation. I’ve seen people pronounce it “x” or just leave it out totally (so in the example above, you’d just say “Godzilla Kong”.) It could also be pronounced “times” or “multiplied by” to match the original concept.

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        There was already a Godzilla vs Kong in this series, so I think they were trying to convey something different with the X title. (If I’m remembering correctly, Godzilla and Kong fought each other in Vs, then teamed up to fight something else in X.)

        1. Godzilla × Pong*

          My understanding is that it comes from the practice of using the multiplication symbol (not the letter x) when denoting botanical hybrids (e.g., Iris × <germanica). It isn’t usually pronounced in such contexts, though for the purpose of clarity I would peobably replace it with the word and (e.g., “I watched Godzilla and Kong last night”).

          1. Godzilla × Pong*

            Replace peobably with probably and italicize germanica and my comment should make sense.

          2. Falling Diphthong*

            Thank you for this. As a person with scant plant-keeping-alive skills, the origin would not have occurred to me. But it makes sense in this context.

            Though writers may be assuming more widespread familiarity with breeding geraniums than is accurate.

            1. Godzilla × Pong*

              You’re very welcome. I only know about this because of my bizzare interest in grammar and punctuation—I’m glad it’s finally useful to someone!

            2. Godzilla × Pong*

              Just noticed your username. You’d never guess how our interaction is going in the other thread…

    2. talos*

      I can’t imagine this is right, but I pronounce it “cross” (from the x as used for “cross product”)

    3. Roland*

      I don’t this is borrowed from “x” used for multiplication – I always assumed it was denoting the things crossed with each other. I would probably say “eks” or nothing depending on context, and would be confused if I heard “Savage times Fenty” etc

    4. Sloanicota*

      I probably would say “Godzilla times Kong” even though I realize that doesn’t capture the spirit of the title. I would assume people would at least know what I meant, whereas if I change it to “and” or “versus” they might not.

    5. XO*

      The official line on the movie title is that the x is silent (from the publicity team when promoting it). This is also generally how I’ve seen it done in other collaborative endeavours for the past few years.

    6. Pharmgirl*

      I think I would say “by” like Godzilla by Kong (or vice verse?) or just Godzilla Kong Collab. Times doesn’t make sense to me if there’s no numbers!

    7. RagingADHD*

      I would call it plus.

      I know it’s not a plus sign, but really that’s what it means in this context.

    8. BestCatToys*

      I…don’t think I’ve ever thought to pronounce it. I’d lean towards saying the letter (since that’s what is literally written) or “cross,” since I’ve also seen similar constructions for horse breeding lines, although now I’m questioning if I’ve ever heard anyone pronounce that, either.

    9. Buni*

      I ran through a few in my head and realised I….don’t. Like @XO said, I would pronounce ‘Godzilla x Kong’ just as ‘Godzilla Kong’. If there’s a vs. I pronounce that ‘vee’, but anything else gets nuthin’…

    10. Bananapants*

      I have no idea so for brand collabs I usually just say, for example, “the Target/Famous Designer collab”

      1. Sloanicota*

        See, I was going to try and articulate this but it seemed complicated haha … I think it’s vocally equivalent to a slash, after reading these comments – so like, when I read “target/famous designer” I am putting like a little half-pause where the slash is, and I think you can sort of HEAR the slash, possibly from the pitch of the words before/after, and that is what I think the + is supposed to “sound” like.

    11. The Prettiest Curse*

      Having read all the replies, I find it pretty amusing that there’s no consensus on this specific pronunciation. Let confusion reign!

  27. Six Feldspar*

    What are we cooking this week?

    If I have time tomorrow I’ll be making a pavlova for Monday (my birthday) – if not I’ll grab some birthday churros.

    I also have a pumpkin/black lentil/feta salad planned, and I need to find a way to use all the broad beans that are suddenly ripening in the garden, if anyone has ideas please share!

    1. Sloanicota*

      I need to make something hearty and easy to reheat in my crockpot for a friend with a new baby. She said they’ve been eating terribly with everything delivered so I’m thinking something with fiber and easy to eat veggies. I’m not a good cook so crockpot soups are among my stronger repertoire items – hard to mess up crockpot soup. I’m thinking pasta e fagioli. I’m not sure bean soups do the best in a microwave though. Maybe? I might adjust the veggies to be easier for reheating.

      1. least complicated*

        chickpea curry: I do something similar to: seriouseats’s take on madhur jaffrey chana-masala. I usually add more ginger and paneer. I make the chickpeas from scratch, and use 1-2 c dry. I also add whatever veggies are handy, but try to include a sweet one(pumpkin/sweet potato) and throw in a handful or two of raisins.

        1. Genevieve*

          Oooh I have a similar one that’s a West African-inspired take on a chickpea curry. It’s from the World Food Cafe Vegetarian Bible (which I have Feelings about, but it was a gift and I do use it a lot as a jumping-off point). I just kinda adjust for whatever veggies I have, but it’s basically ginger, onions, garlic, cubed sweet potatoes, crushed/diced tomatoes, chickpeas (or other legume), something acidic and fruity (usually pineapple juice), and cinnamon, turmeric, cumin, allspice, veggie stock and then at the end you temper some peanut butter with the broth and add it in. It’s savory and sweet and so filling and you can eat it like that or serve over rice or farro, and my husband just adds in meat. I made it last night!

      3. Six Feldspar*

        I don’t have trouble reheating soups in the microwave but I find the pasta turns out all gummy. I’ve been swapping it for barley which seems to hold up better if you’re concerned about the leftovers looking appetising

    3. Indisch blau*

      “Coronation quiche” uses broad beans, albeit only 60 g. The adapted recipe in the Guardian was pretty good.

      1. Indisch blau*

        Or maybe it was the Washington Post version I used. Not sure anymore. If you use the Wapo recipe, you’ll need to sub the broad beans back in.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I cooked several nice things from the library’s cookbook club choice. Especially liked the pistachio cake.

      Earlier this week I tried to use my food processor to chop up the ingredients for hash browns, and produced goo with chunks. (We went out for dinner.) So I’m going to give that a second run tomorrow night, grating by hand.

    6. Teapot Translator*

      I’m thinking crustless quiche. I have some shrimp in the freezer; I’ll try to find a recipe for that.

    7. Aneurin*

      Planning to use up a vegetable box delivery by making (a version of) Deeper ‘n Ever Turnip ‘n Tater ‘n Beetroot Pie (sans beetroot), using the recipe from Alison’s Wonderland Recipes, but with pre-made pastry.

    8. Pharmgirl*

      Can you share this lentil salad recipe? I have butternut squash and lentils, might be able to adapt it a bit and your recipe sounds delicious

    9. Chauncy Gardener*

      Making turkey stuffing meatballs with gravy for dipping to bring as an appetizer to a party. Also a side of my ginger cranberry chutney to dip into.

    10. Elle Woods*

      Bang bang salmon from Pinch of Yum. I saw the recipe a few days ago and can’t quit thinking about it.

    11. Dark Macadamia*

      This comment reminded me I got canned pumpkin awhile ago so maybe I will finally make some pumpkin bread!

    13. HannahS*

      Ooh I love pavlova. Truly a 4-season dessert.

      I made chicken wontons and froze them, so we will.definitely have chicken wonton soup.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        It’s my birthday tomorrow and I’ll be working all day, so my plan is pavlova + labne + macerated strawberries.

        (It’s also a great way to make myself cleab the kitchen once there’s egg whites and sugar all over the place…)

    15. goddessoftransitory*

      Birthday week, so I’m making simple stuff: Ambrosial Chicken salad sandwiches with potato chips, and ravioli in cacio y pepe sauce with spinach and strawberry feta cheese salad. Husband is stuck making my favorite meal, Patty Melt Casserole, and then ploughman sandwiches to keep things quick durin the weekends (we both work 9 hour shifts both days.) He also gets to make my cake today!

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Birthday twins! Happy birthday from a complete stranger on the other side of the world!

        (I am the world’s most unstereotypical Scorpio which made me immune to horoscopes at an early age…)

    17. Kabocha squash*

      I guess I’m going to be cooking a kabocha squash, because when I was at the store yesterday they looked so good and I thought I had a recipe at home for them. Well, I don’t, so I’m thinking I’ll steam it in the IP and end up with mashed kabocha. I’d love any suggestions for what else to do with this winter squash.

      1. carcinization*

        I’ve got a good kabocha squash curry recipe (originally from Cooking Light, and more of a Thai style than an Indian one), but can’t find the exact one online. There seem to be quite a few versions available though so maybe you can find one that sounds good to you?

      2. Six Feldspar*

        Last winter I was cutting a pumpkin or squash in half, taking out the seeds and slow roasting it at a low temp for a few hours. It’s great on its own but also added to curries, soups, etc. When i was over canned tomatoes in winter it was also a great base for pasta sauce with onions/herbs/garlic and blended with stock.

    18. carcinization*

      There was fresh rhubarb at the grocery store (only about half as expensive as it was last year if I remember correctly), so I’m making a rhubarb pie at some point in the next week! Also making the Homestyle Tofu recipe from The Woks of Life sometime, I checked out the website because someone recommended it here recently I believe. I had to google what “broad beans” even were so I can’t help you there!

      1. Six Feldspar*

        I threw them (along with radishes and snow peas) into the ground last autumn as a cover crop for my garden, and things went horribly right… I have no trouble eating the snow peas but now the radish tops are taller than me and they’re flowering (the bees are getting into them like shoppers in a sale) and the broad beans are taking over the garden beds. It’s a good problem to have!

    19. Bluebell Brenham*

      The weather has been so weird in New England that I’m finding it hard to be inspired. Visiting a local produce market this afternoon and maybe some of the veggies will call out to me. I have already cooked garbanzos in the freezer to use up.

  29. Bibliovore*

    I am giving picture books this year. Yes for all ages. You can’t talk me out of it. I realized that I want to give only 2024 titles so that they are brand spanking new.
    Book friends- what are you loving this year in picture books?
    Extraordinary art?
    Delicious language?
    Extra points for humor?
    Did a kid say “read it again” when you got to the end?

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Not seeing anything from this year, but this immediately made me think of David Carter’s One Red Dot. (A pop up book with cool paper engineering.) This Book is a Planetarium is another built around “Look at this cool thing you can do, AND it’s done by folding and cutting paper and then packing it flat. How cool is that?”

    3. RussianInTexas*

      Sure, I will thank you for a gift and immediately leave it in the neighborhood’s Little Library and then wonder WHY I was given it.

      1. Jessica*

        it’s not anna karenina. it’s a picture book that might take five minutes to read. you wouldn’t even skim through it, perhaps in the hope of understanding why she gave it to you, before discarding it?

        1. RussianInTexas*

          I will leaf through, but I don’t do comics, or graphic novels, and I don’t read physical books except some art books that I pick myself, so I would wonder why someone gifted me something that is suited for children or just not me.
          I have never had someone gift me a book that I liked that I myself didn’t put on my wish list, and most books I get I would never read. Due to format or the genre/subject matter. I am known to take the book gifts to the Little Library on December 26th.

          1. RussianInTexas*

            Now, admittingly, I am very difficult to gift to, because I tend to be a very practical person, with a very specific taste, very low sentimentality, don’t care for homemade stuff, and would rather get a no gift (in fact, trying to get rid of the gifting trading in my family), than a most beautiful book I have no interest in.
            I will never tell to a person I don’t like their gift, of course, nor it’s any kind of an ordeal on my party to get rid of gifts, it’s just how I am.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      My favorite modern children’s author is Jessie Sima and it looks like they have a new one out this year called Cookie Time, although I haven’t read it. My personal favorites are Not Quite Narwhal (cutest illustrations everrrr, the artist’s style is so adorable) and Jules vs The Ocean (actual LOL from both me and the kids, years later we still talk about it every time we go to the beach).

      Not new but I’m thinking of asking for The Doubtful Guest by Edward Gorey for myself this year, I just came across it a few weeks ago and it’s so charming.

      Amanda Gorman has several beautifully illustrated picture books that might be more likely to appeal to adults because they’re uplifting and not just a kid’s story.

    5. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      I gave pop-up books to all my family members one year, so picture books sound wonderful.

    6. Raia*

      I may ask a family member to get this for me for Xmas, but Cats of the World by Hannah Shaw, published last month!

    7. Autumnleaf*

      Sounds lovely! I never buy coffe table picture books for myself, so it would be a decadent gift if about one of my interests.
      I also like your framing, i.e. attempting to find several/many gifts in a given category. It makes each gift more difficult and might result in unexpected finds!

    8. Flower*

      Oh, rats. Wish I were on your gift list!

      Also — if you decide to make any exceptions to the 2024 requirement, “Ancient Skies, Ancient Trees” is one of the most beautiful gifts I have ever been given. One serene and awe-inspiring photo after another of trees against night skies full of stars. It is amazing.

      And always, for ALL ages — “Goodnight, Gorilla.”

      Have fun shopping! And please come back and tell us what you picked so we can check out the books too.

    10. Morning Reader*

      Fascinating. I used to do a book talk at the senior center before the giving season on new picture books, for older folks interested in gifts for their grands. I’m not up on the current crop, but I recall some of those professional journals, Booklist or Publishers Weekly, does an annual roundup. Ask your librarian.
      Otherwise, I’d suggest not limiting yourself to new publications as there are many older titles with gorgeous illustrations, suitable for adults. And pop up books! A friend gave me a pop up Kama Sutra one year which is quite ornate. Books on a topic that would appeal to the recipient are great too. A few years back there was a bio of Billie Holiday in picture book form that was beautiful, suitable for a musician, for example.

    12. WoodswomanWrites*

      No suggestions, but as an adult I would absolutely love a picture book as a gift. I love that you’re doing this.

    13. tenor eleven*

      Check out Mr. Lepron’s Mystery Soup and Luigi, the Spider Who Wanted to be a Kitten. Both were published in 2024 and I think the less you know going in, the better. They’re straight up wonderful. I’m a children’s librarian and reading & categorizing the picture books is one of the best parts of my job.

      1. tenor eleven*

        Ask the librarian in your area for their recommendations, they’re sure to have a few for you.

    14. Dancing Otter*

      I think for the adults you’re talking about coffee table books. Do you have access to a genuine brick and mortar bookstore, where you could browse that section?
      Please keep in mind what you know about the recipient’s tastes and interests. The bird-phobic coworker, for example, would probably not appreciate a volume of Audubon prints, though someone else might really enjoy it.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        This is where I am. I have a few “coffee table” books, but on the subjects I like. I couldn’t care less about some beautiful photography just for the sake of beautiful photography, or catalogues of museums, or nature, or humor.

    15. GeeseInFlight*

      Is Bathe the Cat 2024? It’s one of my very favorite recent releases—extremely funny even as an adult, features a diverse family with two dads, and very entertaining pictures. Another recent favorite is Ploof, but again I don’t know the exact year.

    16. Rosyglasses*

      Rosalie Haizlett is a wonderful watercolor artist and her second book “Tiny Worlds” is so beautiful. She lives in Virginia and does wonderful renderings of nature in the Appalachians.

      1. Rosyglasses*

        Also – I always loved The Postman books when I was a kid – and actually just bought another copy this year (and I’m 45). They have a Christmas themed one.

    17. Mostly Managing*

      Wild Trails to the Sea, by Penelope Jackson
      Stunning artwork, loosely based on photos of the authors children growing up on beaches on the east coast. Beautiful language. Has turned into a favourite for the few kids I’ve given it to.

      (and, I love this idea. May have to do something similar!)

  30. sswj*

    That video! Love it, and see that sort of thing here frequently.
    Cat toys: A gazillion dollar industry, but nothing can measure up to a little piece of household detritus LOL!

    1. Slinky*

      My cats’ favorite toy right now is a piece of weather stripping they peeled off a window. It’s a long, thick string, so they love it. Before that, it was a coat-hanger.

  31. Sometimes Friend*

    Question on unequal friendships. I don’t need every friend to be a ride or die BFF, sometimes it’s nice to just have a brunch/movies friend. However, lately I’m getting irked because I’m one of the few in my friend group with a car, and we live in a city. I’m okay with “I’ll come out to your inconvenient location every other time, and on the off time, we’ll meet somewhere downtown or mutually convenient.” This is actually still a little skewed because I don’t expect people to come out to my inconvenient location, ever (it is public transit accessible but there’s not much around me and it’s not close for anyone). A lot of my friends however are becoming real homebodies and ALWAYS suggest we go to the place across the street from them, and push back when I suggest anyplace else. To me, this is a sign they aren’t that invested in the friendship: “I only care to see if you it’s no effort for me.” But it could also be an Asker/Guesser thing going on. Is this a universal lazy friends/no cars situation that I should just accept? What inequalities are you willing to accept in a friendship if you still have fun when you’re together, versus the line of people a people pleaser?

    1. Cookies for Breakfast*

      I’m the “friend with the car” in my hometown (both when I used to live there, and when I visit now) and never saw it from an inequality point of view. If I get to see friends I love, and what we have planned is fun, then where it takes place doesn’t matter as much.

      To your question, what I accept these days is that, most of the time, I end up being the one who has to come up with the plan, even when it’s the other person who suggests meeting up. I can take it as appreciation that I have varied interests and know many good food places…I guess? And then we get to have fun. Even so, I’d like to be able to just roll with what someone else is suggesting, sometimes!

      1. Sometimes Friend*

        I need to reach this level of car aplomb. Because it is a city, I don’t really think that 30+ minutes in tight traffic plus dealing with parking when I get there is all that “easy” either, compared to hopping a bus/train and arriving in 15 – but I get that car time is more controlled, and the other person probably figures since I’ll be traveling either way I might as well come to them …

        1. PublicTransit*

          You’ve clearly never relied on public transportation if you think it’s as simple as hopping on a bus and getting there in 15 minutes.

          Buses have schedules, and often only run once every 30-40-60-90 minutes

          Buses stop every couple of blocks or so and drive slowly to boot, so it can take 2-3x to travel by bus than by the same streets in a car.

          Buses rarely go straight from point A to point B

          In many locations, buses stop running or run very infrequently in the evenings- if you want to go somewhere after a work day public transportation may not work at all, or may get someone to a place but not home

          None of that is to say you should be obligated to always drive your friends to places you want to go together, but realize if you don’t they may not have the option to go. So if your goal is to spent time with them on a weekday evening you may have to drive to them or perhaps drive them home after meeting somewhere else to make it work at all

    2. Hyaline*

      I think there are so many variables here that it’s really hard to tie down a hard and fast rule. Work schedules, kids and family obligations, individual and group preferences, habit vs trying something new…all of that on top of transportation. (I have one friend who I always go to see, because she has several very young children and it’s just far easier for me to drive than it is for her, for example.) Yeah, ideally, everyone would put in equal “mileage” to see each other, but human relationships are often just not ideally equal like that. If it bothers you, you should say something! But before that, maybe replay the last few plan-making conversations–if you’re asking “Hey, want to get together?” and then letting them suggest time and place, or even asking “What works well for you?” and they, well, SAY what works well for them and that’s when you push back, it could just be a dynamic that you can work to shift. Suggest plans that work better for you, or openly say “I’ve been driving down there a lot lately. Can we meet in the middle?” But be open to hearing why that really doesn’t work well for them, and if the friendships are meaningful to you, be willing to put in the mileage at this season in their lives.

      1. Sometimes Friend*

        Yeah, you’re not wrong, although I’ve come also to realize that I need SOME friends who don’t always put me dead last because they have kids/spouses that I need to understand they prioritize. Having other friends who don’t make me feel that way allows me to be more generous and flexible with those who, as you say, are in certain seasons of life. Sometimes I get in a mode where *everybody* in my life seems to be in “I Need To Be First” mode, often for totally different reasons – someone has kids, someone is having a health challenge or a mental health challenge or a family challenge or a financial challenge. I have too often fallen into the “well, my needs/feelings don’t really count” mode in the past, so this might be some kind of post-people pleasing backlash.

        1. Hyaline*

          Ooooo I see now–there’s two layers going on here, aren’t there? There’s the logistical layer of who is inconvenienced when and by how much by the travel for plans, and there’s the feeling of being under-prioritized by your friends (which, like you say, may be rational or may be backlash from previous painful experiences). I would, in these conversations, try to parse out which of these things is impacting you more and whether you can address it–is it logistical or emotional? Like–if you imagine that every person has a Logistics Difficulty score for every location, it makes sense that, say, your score for meeting me by my place is 5 while my score for meeting you at yours is 10, and because of this, we meet by me more often. Maybe your score goes to 3 for a midpoint but it’s still at a 7 for me–so we still don’t use that option as often. It’s pure logistics and the math could check out. But emotions aren’t math! And feeling unappreciated isn’t math! So if you’re feeling like people aren’t considering your needs, I’d poke that–first, is it true? And if it is, what’s causing it? Maybe they’re just inconsiderate, but maybe not. Are you holding back on sharing things that are hard for you because you don’t want to be a burden? Are you being vulnerable with your friends? If you’re holding back, you kinda can’t expect them to realize what you need (even if it’s just acknowledgement!); but if they do consistently underappreciate or undervalue you, it’s also ok to cool the friendship for a bit and put frequent meetups on the back burner. Sometimes a season of life for a friend does require that–and if you bounce back, that’s great! And if not, that’s ok, too.

    3. Kitten*

      Finding and maintaining friendships as an adult is hard. I kind of think you might want to just know that some friends aren’t going to put as much effort in as you do. But get ok with it because you need friendships. Then maybe put yourself out there with some new friends

    4. Clara Bowe*

      You have my sympathy and support. I was in the exact opposite situation in that I didn’t have a car, but my social circle all lived ~45+ minutes away from me via public transit, but ~10-30 minutes away from each other. I spent so much time getting to places that were more convenient for them, but they were all apparently afraid to venture mildly in my direction.

      I don’t have any advice, but sending a whole lot of sympathy and shared exasperation in your direction.

    5. Catsu*

      Omg it’s a coincidence you posted this because I’m dealing with a similar situation with a friend, but it’s the inverse: she has a car and lives in the suburbs and I don’t. She’s a bit of a homebody and doesn’t like going out much, so lately our friendship has fallen into a pattern of me always taking public transportation to her place (1 hour away from me). She never comes to my place or even agrees to meet halfway. Every time we would plan to meet at a third place midway between our places, she would cancel last minute due to being “too tired and not feeling like it”. One time I even scheduled a phone call with her and she forgot to call back.

      I don’t believe friendships have to be totally reciprocal or ride or die, but there still needs to be some effort.

      1. Catsu*

        I forgot to mention, I’ve basically stopped reaching out to this friend and am letting the friendship die lol

    6. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Socializing and making friends as an adult are definitely hard but maybe you could look for your casual brunch/movie friends near your home? I mean, some people must live near you. Maybe you’d find some options for friendly times where your convenience and their laziness are synergistic instead of antagonistic.

    7. Patty Mayonnaise*

      Just want to validate that this is frustrating! I am in a very similar situation with most of my friends and they meet me halfway when I ask them too (and some of them even come to my inconvenient location on inconvenient public transit!). You are completely in your rights to want them to meet you halfway sometimes.

  32. Pocket Mouse*

    TL;DR: One of my friendships has been very lopsided via text for years and it’s causing me to be resentful, but I would very much like to have a thriving relationship between her family and mine a few years from now when we are able to see each other in person more. We’re unlikely to call or see each other in person more frequently than we currently do for the next few years. What’s a good perspective/approach for maintaining as good of a relationship as possible without deepening my resentment, to set us up well for a more mutually fulfilling relationship in the future?

    The details: This friend and I met and became close when we were living in the same city and saw each other frequently. Several years ago, she moved to a different city where we see each other only occasionally—once or twice per year. Soon after she moved, we had a text exchange that struck me as off: I asked several questions about her new life, which she answered, but she asked no questions about what was going on with me, nor did she express some sort of generic “hope you’re well”… and there was something quite big and not-good going on with me that day, but it wasn’t something that I, being the person I am, was going to launch into via text without an entry point.

    Since then, nearly every one of our text exchanges start with me reaching out to her with something that made me think of her and/or asking how she’s doing. She has only reached out to me via text a couple times, typically to request a favor from me. There have been a few times I’ve reached out to her and there’s been a long delay in reply, which made me worry something bad was happening (reasonable, given what I know about her life) only for her to finally respond very briefly that things were good. There was another long delay after one of the few occasions where she asked me how I was doing and I told her I’d had a rough time lately and why, and another after I offered her something of value—to the point where I had to follow up to ask again if she wanted it.

    So, again, this is all via text. Phone and in person are mostly a lot better, though those conversations also mostly focus on her and I occasionally feel like an afterthought. I know she values having me in her life. But I also know she has developed very deep, very close relationships with people almost exclusively via text-based platforms, and I’m seeing none of that effort offered to me! Still, I anticipate in the future we will live nearer to each other and have the opportunity to spend much more time together in person, and I would like to have a positive, mutually fulfilling friendship when that happens. We share a lot of values and I think our respective kids would have a lot to gain from our families spending time together too.

    So I need to get through this friendship patch and not let my resentment about the texting imbalance impact our relationship long-term. Perhaps complicating my next steps, it’s an intense time both for her personally and for the country/world, so it feels less than optimal to broach the topic with her directly in the near future. But mostly we communicate via text, which a) I don’t foresee changing until we live near each other again, and b) is causing this turmoil that I now feel going into any call or in person hangout. What’s your advice? Any scripts or phrasing that might be helpful for me to use ,in either the near or distant future?

    1. Sometimes Friend*

      Ooh this is an interesting addendum to my question above. I guess a lot of people are evaluating were they put their limited energy right now and trying to make sure their priorities align with their actions.

    2. Sloanicota*

      I see that you’re a fellow “a lot going on in my head that I’m unwilling to articulate but it sure would nice if you’d guess” person. It’s good to recognize that she is probably not thinking about this as much as you are. Also, I liked Captain Awkward’s observation about the Grudge Clock. When it started for you versus when it starts for the other person (only when you bring it up). That said, I actually don’t think this is a great thing to try and bring up in your current relationship. You’re going to be asking for something she can’t necessarily give you – more of her attention and thoughtfulness. Great, committed friendships can absorb tough conversations, but there needs to be equal commitment for that to happen. TBH, if I were you, the boundary I would set would be with myself: reach out a bit less. Stop sending her the “thinking of you” texts if you’re not getting what you want/need with those. Refocus that energy on someone more present for right now, trusting that when the seasons change this friend will still be there and be ready for you.

    3. least complicated*

      My advice: let this go for now. Everything you’ve described is one-sided. If you move closer together in the future, you can resume in-person interactions. Friendships can lay dormant and pick up again, or they don’t have to. But, listen to her actions. (and words: you said more than once she’s not that interested in you).

      1. Pocket Mouse*

        Mm, to clarify, I said she doesn’t ask me questions via text. She’s someone who will volunteer how she’s doing and what’s going on in her life, and I wager she expects other people to do the same. But I don’t typically do that. When I do share something about my life, either by bringing it up or in response to her asking, she usually engages with interest (in non-text conversations). So I believe it’s largely the format, not the content, but the content is mostly in that one format for the time being.

    4. WellRed*

      You don’t know that she has “deep” relationships that she’s formed via texting (of course, I’m skeptical that anyone does). Stop texting her so much and put your friend energy elsewhere. She’ll come around or she won’t but not right now. I know this is hard and sucky. Happens to most of us at some point.

    5. Pocket Mouse*

      To clarify: if she’d asked “how are you?” more frequently after I reached out or responded with just a sentence or two instead of those long delays, I might never have noticed this pattern! It’s not a lot I feel I’m lacking via text, just a bit (but that bit is noticeable) and things that aren’t noticeably lacking in calls or in person.

      And I hear the advice so far to let it go for now. It feels tricky because we *do* have calls and see each other a handful of times per year, and I need help framing the situation for myself as those occasions approach. Since I don’t think letting it go can involve fully stepping back from those, what can I tell myself that helps me kind of set my feelings aside and get through the calls/in-person times constructively?

      1. least complicated*

        I think the answer is to develop your social life closer to home for the moment. That way, you’ve got more people local to you, and this one friend becomes a pleasant surprise to talk to.
        I say this as someone with no local friends at all. I need to develop my social network as well, and I just don’t have the spoons at the moment. I recognize that as a me problem, and not my far-away-friends problem.

      2. Still*

        Are you enjoying those calls and meetings? If so, keep doing them. Are you enjoying texting her? If not, stop doing it. You’re not doing anyone any favours by bringing texting resentments to your real-life hangouts.

        Put your energy into activities that bring you joy and let go of the other stuff.

        You say that she’s not one to ask questions about you but is happy to listen when you share stuff without being asked. Well, would you rather not text at all, or keep texting and take initiative telling her about your life? She’s probably never going to start asking. Can you be okay with it?

        I think really close relationships allow for negotiating communication styles and needs. But most casual friendships are what-you-see-is-what-you-get.

      3. RagingADHD*

        One thing that might help is to remind yourself that “I don’t volunteer any information about my life, even to close friends, unless they specifically ask with my preferred phrasing,” is not an immutable characteristic of your being.

        It is a behavior you are aware of, and therefore could change if you choose to.

        So if her communication style is to volunteer conversation topics as an invitation to participate, she may be equally dissatisfied with your interactions because you never open up. Yes, she could change her style and ask directly. But you could also change your style.

        If neither of you try anything different, I don’t see how being physically closer is going to magically change anything. You’re the one thinking about it and asking advice. It seems to me that you trying something different is the simplest way to see if things can change for the better.

        1. Pocket Mouse*

          This is a weirdly extreme interpretation of what I actually said! “I chose not to launch into texting about a hard thing without an entry point in the text exchange” and “typically don’t volunteer information without an opening in the conversation” is different from “I don’t volunteer information about my life” or “never open up”, and “how are you doing” is certainly not “specifically asking about my life with my preferred phrasing”.

          I always appreciate reading your insights, I appreciate that you took the time to respond to my question, and I hear the advice you’re offering. It’s been a hard week, I hope you’re doing okay.

          1. Arrietty*

            I have to very deliberately remind myself to ask questions about my neurotypical friends’ lives because I’m so used to the ND reciprocal sharing style of communication that I forget sometimes that people may be waiting for an invitation to share, rather than seeing my sharing as *being* the invitation. Like, one of us has declared it is the “talk about our lives” portion of proceedings, why stand on ceremony? Join in!

            But it took me YEARS to recognise this was a difference in communication styles. I really hate being asked specific explicit questions like “how are you?” or, for that matter, “what’s your name?” because I suddenly forget everything of interest in my life and fall into scripted small talk mode.

            Could this be what’s going on for you too? Differences in assumed default approaches?

        2. Bike Walk Barb*

          This. You can only control your end. Sounds like you keep doing the same thing and hoping for different results and she doesn’t know that you’re feeling this lack of interest in her.

          You mention other friendships via “text-based platforms” but is that actual texting? (and if so, how do you know?) Or is that an online medium you’re able to see, like Facebook? If she connects more with people there than in SMS, you might use what she seems to be more comfortable in for your communications leading up to your next in-person meeting or call and see if that shifts anything. You’re asking for a specific level of response in a specific medium; try decoupling those in your mind.

          As for a script to take into the next meeting, try thinking, “If this is a good friend, she’s going to be interested in what’s going on in my life. I’m not going to wait to be asked; I’m going to share what matters to me.”

          If she isn’t responsive, you might ask yourself why you’d want to invest mental energy into relationship maintenance until you actually do live closer together. People change over time and neither of you is precisely who you were when you lived in the same city and became friends, nor are you the people you’ll be if you end up living in the same town again. Neither of you is obligated to hold a certain amount of friendship space open for the other.

          You’re also loading your desire for your kids to be friends into this. That’s a lot! There’s 100% no guarantee that just because parents are friends, the kids are friends. There isn’t even a guarantee you’ll be able to spend time together as families. Kids have complicated schedules and if you don’t straight up live in the same neighborhood with kids in the same school that’s hard to coordinate and the kids won’t necessarily buddy up easily.

          Let go of that whole future scenario so you’re not setting yourself up for disappointment. If it’s going to happen, it will. No amount of texting now can guarantee it. And conversely, her not texting you precisely the way you wish she would now doesn’t mean she won’t be a good friend in a future scenario.

    6. Two cents*

      I have friends who don’t ask how I am, but are willing to listen and do friendshipy engagement stuff if I bring things up. With those people, I just have a slight mismatch in communication styles, which is to say that I can make the relationship feel equal to me by changing my actions. (We can argue and quibble about politeness, if I should have to do this, effort, etc. etc., but the fact remains that if I want to have a relationship with these people, I will be infinitely more happy accepting how they are as opposed to how I or anyone else think they should be.)

      I also have friends who are just one sided friends in the conversation department. I am less likely to stay friends with them long term if it really is that consistently one sided. But there have also been situations where I am willing to do the one sided work of reaching out and listening because of something sufficiently interesting about them or some other reason. In those cases, I just get really clear in my head: I am doing this FOR ME. For MY OWN REASONS. What is MY tolerance level? That way I’m not chasing after something that won’t exist.

      Good luck!

    7. Not A Manager*

      If the issue is really the format and not the contents, as you say in one comment, then you might try setting a date for a phone call. I usually set that up via text – “I’d love to catch up. Are you free for a phone call sometime this weekend?” If that’s more satisfying, try to set up more conversations in the future, probably about every month or two. Move your communication away from text and more to something that happens in real time.

      But from your OP, I’m not sure the issue is really the format. It sounds like, for whatever reason, she’s not prioritizing maintaining your close bond at a distance. I’m a bit sympathetic to her, to be honest. I’m not a great long-distance friend and I know it. (And the fact that I’m a good long-distance friend to a very few people doesn’t make me a better one to everyone else.) The way to preserve your future friendship might be to drop your side of the rope, for now. Accept that you and she will have brief and meaningful re-connections when you are face-to-face, or on the occasional call, and save the ongoing friendship for when you are she are once again living in the same area and have common experiences to share.

    8. Double A*

      So I’ve had times in my life when I’ve developed and sustained meaningful relationships via text and times when that medium doesn’t work for that purpose. I’m in a phase in my life where it doesn’t work; text might maintain a surface connection but it’s not how I can engage on a deep level. But when I do talk to or see those people, it’s meaningful and really feeds our connection. I have a lot of friends that I only see every few years but we pick up where we left off; in between those times we’re not in touch very much. I don’t feel like our friendship is necessarily fading during those times. It’s just humming along in the background. Is it possible your friend is in a different space right now where text is not how she’s maintaining any or hardly any relationships? just because that’s how she’s done things in the past doesn’t mean that she’s still in that phase.

      Basically, it doesn’t sound like text is going to work to sustain this friendship right now. You can either let go of the friendship if text is super important to you; make an effort to call or see you friend more; or allow things to stay as they are but let the times you communicate synchronously to feed your relationship and place less emphasis on the texting.

    9. Unkempt Flatware*

      I’m sorry to say this but this seems to me that she is actively trying to fade away from your friendship.

    10. Friendly airborne ant*

      You could actually be talking about me. I really really hate texting, so when people text me, I take a long time to answer, and I don’t ask many (or any) follow-up questions to shorten the conversation so I don’t have to text as much. I like phone calls, I like meeting up in person and I can even do emails but I hate writing anything with my fat fingers on the tiny phone. It could be your friend is like me and you never noticed before you were living apart. I know I am not a great long-distance friend because of that for my friends who communicate mostly by text, but I’m a great friend for those who like to pick up the phone. Maybe you could try?

    11. Pocket Mouse*

      Thank you all for your responses! A lot of helpful insights here – especially around adjusting my actions for my own reasons, better recognition/acknowledgment of what feeds the friendship vs. what doesn’t, and trusting the friendship will be there when we can be in person more again. I really appreciate the time you all took to respond.

  33. Hyaline*

    How do you stay on top of housework? I can’t tell if I a) have unrealistic expectations of cleanliness b) am not efficient enough or c) have hit a point where actually I can’t do All Of The Things.

    Background: I worked part-time for several years and was able to keep up on housework fairly well. I’m married, but since my husband had always worked full-time, I picked up more around the house. I started a full-time gig last year and since then housework feels constantly behind. To add to this, I have two kids at an age where they can help, but also having them help is itself a chore, and we’re increasingly busy with extracurriculars and school stuff and so we’re at home less.

    Yes, I know the first response will be “your husband needs to do more” and that’s a nice sentiment which we both share, but he literally doesn’t have time. I literally do not have time. Where do you find time? How do you carve out enough time to keep up on basic daily chores AND deep clean? Are there schedules or charts or methods you’ve used that streamline things a bit or help you prioritize? Do you throw in the towel and hire a cleaner at some point–and how do you make having that scheduled work?

    1. RussianInTexas*

      Can you afford a house cleaner? This really might be your only option that won’t drive you insane. That is what my stepdaughter finally had to do: her full time job, husband’s full time job with long hours and longer commute, three kids under 6. She tried to tough it out, but she was burning out.

    2. least complicated*

      When I was in that stage: two hours Sat morning, everyone helped clean. We lived in an apt with multiple washers/dryers so we could do 2-3 loads of laundry at once. Otherwise, dishes most nights, and let everything else go. It’s more important to have fun times with the kids than a deep-cleaned house. I’m also from a shoes-off at the door country, so the inside didn’t vacuuming too often.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I mean, yeah, if you don’t have the time or capacity or interest to do something yourself (the generic “you” as in your family in any combination, not literally just you) but you do have the capacity to throw money at it, then yes, you hire it out, whether it’s cleaning or laundry or that blessed woman who scoops the dog poo out of my backyard every other week. (Yes that is a thing and it is such a game changer.) Totally ok, and no reason to feel weird about it as long as you’re doing your best to make sure everyone involved is well and fairly treated, like don’t hire the cleaning service that pays their staff three bucks an hour under the table or something.

      1. Observer*

        if you don’t have the time or capacity or interest to do something yourself (the generic “you” as in your family in any combination, not literally just you) but you do have the capacity to throw money at it, then yes, you hire it out,

        Agreed, 100%.

        As long as you are treating people fairly and respectfully, not being unreasonable, being safe, and paying reasonably, there really is no reason to not hire stuff out.

    4. Sitting Pretty*

      You are very much not alone! I’m a single parent of a busy teen so there are lots of messes and very little help.

      Last year I started a l log book of monthly chores. These are the tasks that don’t need to be done quite as often. They probably should be done more often but if I can’t get to them, I don’t stress because I know they’ll get done eventually. I use an actual 3-ring binder but I’ll be moving to an Excel sheet eventually. The log includes mopping, washing 1 window, dusting 1 area of the house, bathroom, etc.

      For the rest of the more frequent chores, that’s just been about getting into the habit of cleaning as I go. If I wipe down the bathroom sink every time I brush my teeth or wipe down the tub after every shower, they all stay clean longer.

      When my kid was younger, we decided on some chores that sort of became his. Bathing the dog, setting and clearing the table, loading and emptying the dishwasher, doing his ownaundry. It was tough establishing the expectations but now it comes easily because we stuck with it.

      Good luck! Keeping a tidy house is a neverending quest.

    5. RagingADHD*

      We just don’t. My husband and I work full time, and the teens are taking a full slate of advanced / AP classes, plus extracurriculars that have them doing 15-16 hour days. At this stage of life, those grades / extras are college scholarship fodder that will probably determine whether or not they can get a degree without crippling debt.

      And all 4 of us have ADHD.

      We are just making sure everyone has clean laundry, meals, there’s no ring in the toilet, and the catboxes don’t stink. The place looks like a tornado hit.

      We’re at a place now that we can afford to hire a little help, but honestly finding someone is just one more chore that I’ll get to when I get to.

      1. Ginger Cat Lady*

        They will still need to know how to run their home if they go to college. If you’re not having them clean/do laundry/cook with the excuse of college, they’re going to go off to college and expect their roommate to do their laundry for them so they can focus on school – and that’s not going to go well. Both I and all my college kids have had a roommate like that.
        Enabling them to avoid learning basic life skills is not a good thing, even if they do get a scholarship.

        1. Shiara*

          Woah. This seems to be making some unkind leaps. You absolutely do not need to know how to “run a home” when you go off to college. And you can know how to do laundry, cook and clean and yet not do any of those things regularly in high school due to time pressures. Frankly, I had much more free time in College than I did in high school.

        3. RagingADHD*

          Thank you so much for your concern and helpful advice, which of course I had absolutely no idea about. I think perhaps the prior 15-16 years of them doing chores has taught them what they need to know, and allowing them 8 hours of sleep in 24 during this season of life is worth a bit of disorder.

          1. Observer*

            I think that this is a really important piece that @Hyaline should take into account as they think about next steps.

            The key differences between what you are describing here and what it sounds like without it – and in the context of the original question are:

            1. Your kids actually know how to do this stuff. That’s *really* important.

            2. They understand the idea that ideally they would be directly contributing to the running of the household. That’s *really*important.

            3. They understand the specific reasons why they are being “exempted” from household tasks, and they understand that this is not something they can or should expect in other circumstances and from other people. That’s *really* important.

            Each of these is important in its own right.

            I’m not telling anyone specifically what to do. But it is important when thinking about what role a resident child should take in the household economy, to think about these issues. And I think that it’s helpful when presenting what you are doing now, to make it clear that you have in fact thought about those issues and dealt with it to the extent reasonable.

    6. Kitten*

      My husband and I both have demanding jobs and fairly unhelpful teens. We have a housekeeper come twice a month for deeper cleaning-when my car is paid off this month it will be our biggest bill after our mortgage (then one teen will start driving and insurance will go through the roof). Consider it marriage insurance.
      I’m pretty uptight. If I’m awake I’m tidying. I get up around 5am everyday to get myself ready and the house sorted out. I do laundry and put it away everyday. Make sure dishes are done every night. Roomba helps and then lots of cleaning and sorting every weekend. I’m vigilant about decluttering. But my yard looks like crap.
      I was not like this before kids but if I don’t have outside help and a system I’m pretty unhappy with the state of my house.
      This weekend I’m dedicating about 1 hour and walking around with a basket to find all of the misplaced things laying around and moving them back to where they live.

      1. Lifelong student*

        The problem isn’t the state of the house- it is the unhelpful teens! I know they have school work, maybe a part time job , maybe extra curriculars. However, they live in the house and are fed- they should have regular chores to do as well as help out with the extras! You are doing them no favors if they don’t know how to do such things later in life.

      2. Observer*

        I’m pretty uptight. If I’m awake I’m tidying.

        Is there any reason you are the only one doing any housework and organizing? Your husband has a demanding job, but so do you.

        As for the teens, sure they also probably have demanding schedules, but they are old enough to be helpful. Or *at least* not make much extra work.

        This weekend I’m dedicating about 1 hour and walking around with a basket to find all of the misplaced things laying around and moving them back to where they live.

        This is an example of what I mean. Why are you doing this? Why is only one of the 4 residents of the house in charge of keeping everything where it belongs, including *everyone else’s belongings*?

        This is not a healthy pattern. Not for yourself and not for your kids. Who is going to do this for them when they move out / move on / go to college? Or are they going to expect their roommates / partners / spouses to do this work for them?

        Keep the outside help! It’s a great idea. But the idea that you have to wake up 5:00 and have no time to yourself on the weekends, even with that kind of help, makes my hair stand on end a bit.

    7. Abigail*

      I sympathize. I’m a single mother to 2 school aged children and keeping on top of everything is difficult.

      Two things help me:

      (1) declutter. The less things you have the easier it is to stay tidy

      (2) swim with the current of where your family drops things. For example, your shoe rack should go wherever people are currently leaving their shoes. I’ve found it’s way easier to put a bin or a hook where people are likely to drop things than for them to stop putting things one place and start using a bin or a hook somewhere else.

      As soon as the budget allows for it hire a cleaner. I outsource whatever I can, whenever I can. This is not just housekeeping. Whenever you can afford to take a short cut do so.

    8. UKDancer*

      Get a cleaner if you can afford it. It makes such a difference having someone once per fortnight to come and clean everything. I can keep on top of the jobs and keep it broadly ok in between but having the kitchen and bathroom professionally cleaned is a wonderful thing.

      Obviously make sure the cleaner is paid properly and treated well. My parents made it clear to me as a child that I was to treat their cleaner with respect and politeness because she was doing an important job and she would only clean my room if I had tidied my toys up. I think respecting people for their work is important.

      Overall it’s a lifesaver for me because I don’t have time and energy to clean myself but do like a clean place to live. I use an agency which works best for me. As to how it works, she comes on a specific day every fortnight and cleans for an agreed period of time. I work from home that day and keep out of her way once I’ve made her a cup of tea. Usually I work in the lounge while she cleans the other rooms and then move while she does the lounge.

    9. Chauncy Gardener*

      Yeah, you basically can’t keep a perfectly clean house in your situation. I’ve been there and you just have to lower your standards or hire a cleaner to come in once a week. I’m also a big fan of cleaning all together for a set time. We used to do a “ten minute pickup” once a day or so, just to put clutter away. And a two hour scrub once a week.
      The thing that ultimately helped me the most was making a place for everything and getting everyone to (mostly) put their things there. If there wasn’t a place for something, we took a vote on whether to keep it or get rid of it. Because, how important could it be if we couldn’t find a place to keep it?
      I also like FlyLady’s methods, but seems like they’re more for a SAHM/D, but it’s good to focus on one “area” a week like she says.

    10. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Housework (cleaning/cooking/shopping/laundry/yardwork) is a full time job by itself, even without adding childcare! Please don’t beat yourself up as a parents because you don’t have time for working full time AND a third job’s worth of time between you!
      Some suggestions that might help for different households:
      -Make “clean” easier to reach. The kids toys are now “away” if they’re all either in their assigned spots OR in this big bin rather than the floor. My craft now lives on the side table (or in a basket next to it). All the sneakers go in this crate.
      -Eliminate what chores you can. For example, switching to paper plates to reduce dishes or using a two-in-one clean/polish spray for the counters. (I have no idea what your current cleaning routine looks like, these are always going to be a tradeoff in some way).
      -Look for convenience. Order the groceries for delivery (or maybe just the dry goods and your shopping trip will just be to select the veggies). Running half a load of the dishwasher will use less water and time than washing the same by hand.
      -Lower your standards. Specifically discuss and choose areas you’re willing to let slip, like being ok with dust on the shelves or a pile of shoes by the door. Especially where the kids chores are concerned, you might decide that as long as the blankets are on the bed and effort was actually put in, the wrinkly covers count as a “made” bed, or that their unevenly folded clothes are fine to put away.
      -I have no experience here but others have suggested hiring for some assistance. If it’s in your budget and comfort zone, you could hire someone for a specific task that is an especial time-suck for you.

      Most of all, be kind to yourselves, housework is WORK and takes a lot more time than we often realize. Best of luck!

    11. Not That Jane*

      I read an article a few years ago, I think from the Harvard Business Review, that made the case that people, in general, over-value money and under-value time. Like, they did experiments where they offered people various rewards and they were actually more pleased by those that freed up their time than by monetary rewards. One of the suggestions in the article was to “outsource strategically” the things that you personally find most onerous/time-consuming. For some people, that would be the planning & shopping part of cooking, so a meal kit delivery service would be perfect. For me, it’s certain cleaning tasks… etc.

      So I try to take to heart the idea that spending some money strategically to regain some time is a good tradeoff.

      1. noname today*

        Pew institute did a study and determined that the two things most likely to improve your overall happiness were (if you can afford it), hire a cleaner and eat out more—even takeout. Basically outsourcing the two biggest parts of adulting/maintaining a home.

      2. Six Feldspar*

        I learned the same thing from Captain Awkward – sometimes the easiest way to pay for something is with money (vs time, energy, etc)

    12. I'm A Little Teapot*

      As much as you can, design your lifestyle and activities to produce less need for cleaning.

      No food outside the designated eating area.
      No shoes on in the house.
      Get rid of stuff you don’t need. Too much stuff results in not having enough places to store the stuff which means stuff everywhere. Even if the place is clean, it’ll look dirty.

      1. Anono-me*

        This. Don’t lower the bar, change the game. (But do lower the bar some also.)

        Also, you say that you have some funds to throw at this. A cleaning person is great. But also get a a roomba vacume and/or shark mopping machine. They are game changers. Get daily shower spray. Use it on the shower and the bathroom sink and the toilet bowl. Stop buying clothes and furniture that needs special attention. (When I got new blinds, I got vertical not dust catching horizontal. Almost no clothes that need ironing. Pet hair does not cling to leather furniture. )

    13. Busy Middle Manager*

      You weave it into those little “ten minutes here, fifteen minutes there” between activities. I will recommend a product, microfiber cleaning clothes. No clue how popular they are but I remember getting my first batch not that long ago and they are so much better than any cleaning “mechanism” I ever used. I always have a wet one in the kitchen now and randomly dust or wipe the counters or clean the floor with one, throw it on the floor and push it along the edges. So much better than a regular mop IMO. So I’m always cleaning in bits and pieces.

    14. ReallyBadPerson*

      I always had a cleaner when my kids were growing up, because it kept me from being resentful that my house was cluttered and no one was helping. But we also had chores, because everyone in the community needs to contribute to it. So, for example, on cleaning days, my kids had to strip their beds and bring the sheets to the laundry room. But they also had tasks on other days, such as loading their dishes in the dishwasher or cleaning up after food preparation. No one person should have to bear the cleaning load for the whole household.

      1. Observer*

        But we also had chores, because everyone in the community needs to contribute to it.

        Yes. This is a really, really important thing. It pays off in so many ways, but even if it didn’t it’s a hugely important concept to be comfortable with.

    15. GoryDetails*

      I live alone, so I have no excuses re other household members not doing their bit. It’s just that when I have a choice between tidying up or reading another book, the book wins {grin}.

      My coping techniques include inviting people over and/or making an appointment with a serviceperson to check out my internet/plumbing/whatever-needs-doing – I am strongly motivated to declutter-and-clean when I know people will be in my house. Still not sure why I can’t imagine myself as the “visitor” and tidy up for *me*, but there it is…

      1. Six Feldspar*

        I also live alone with no pets, working a nine day fortnight. I’m playing on one of the easiest levels possible compared to people with kids, pets, etc and it still gets away from me. Don’t beat yourself up trying to make the house impossibly clean!

    16. KR*

      Honestly my house is a little dirty right now. My kitchen badly needs a mop and I need to change my sheets. We have 2 cats and a dog, so keeping up with them and the basics while both of us work just takes everything. It’s ok if this is a part of your life where your house is just going to be a little messy and dirty. If you can hire a cleaner and your finances allow it, there is no shame in that and you should take advantage of it.

    17. AnonToday*

      To echo a few things others have said, decluttering will go a really long way towards keeping things neat. Same with taking shoes off in the house. For example on the decluttering, I have a toddler and both myself and husband have full time jobs – my toddler has just a few toys but I rotate them to different rooms every week which seems to keep her totally satisfied. Another thing I do is never leave a room without taking something with me that belongs in the destination room.

      As far as organization, I just have days of the week or month locked in my head as to when cleaning things need to happen and I do them at all costs (although I just got diagnosed with OCD so this may be a function of that). In the new year I plan to buy a big desk calendar and write everything there as far as daily, weekly, or monthly tasks, so that might be an option too. Maybe the whole family can take part in checking off boxes when something is accomplished.

    18. Bluebell Brenham*

      A 1-2x a month cleaner is so worth it. Also agree that there should be some chore expectations for the kids.

    19. Hyaline*

      Thank you all so much for this—honestly, the most helpful may be realizing that I didn’t miss some vital lesson on accomplishing everything and that people with full lives and perfectly clean homes are probably hiring help—something I truly hadn’t considered as a very normal solution to this issue!

      1. Observer*

        LOL!

        Yes, the idea that “good housekeepers manage to keep their homes immaculate all on their own” was always nonsense. And it goes multiple times over when both parents are working full time.

        I’m glad you’re going to be getting some help. It’s definitely a sanity saver!

    20. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      I am the oddball that found hiring a cleaner to be more far stressful. Inevitably the day before the cleaner came would be the day all the kids had games in the towns 2 hours away and homework and tests and we both worked late that day and then HAVING to pickup the house clutter completely that night because the cleaner was coming in the morning.

    21. Observer*

      To add to this, I have two kids at an age where they can help, but also having them help is itself a chore, and we’re increasingly busy with extracurriculars and school stuff and so we’re at home less.

      I haven’t read the comments yet, but I have two thoughts on this.

      1. Take the time and effort to have them help. The payback will happen surprisingly soon in most cases. And also, you will be teaching your kids some REALLY important skills. Not just the specifics of how to do X, Y, and Z tasks either.

      2. Cut back on the extra-curriculars.

      It’s fine to pay for some help in the house, though. That’s not a failure on anyone’s part. I always think of household help as the cost for having a dual income. But that should mostly be to cover the gaps caused by you longer work hours, and only a little bit caused by the kids’ over-scheduling and your need to chauffeur them around.

      If the kids schedules are so packed that they cannot be of reasonable help (based on their age, stage and capacity) around the house, then their schedules are over-full.

  34. WellRed*

    You should probably hire someone, I’m unclear on your scheduling concern though, you don’t need to supervise them. Meanwhile, do you really not have a small window every day to day, take care of dishes and run a broom around. Or your husband? And I get what you mean about the kids help feeling like more work, but t you need to let them help. How else will they learn or respect your hard work? Bigger picture; are your expectations too high? Is your family over scheduled? Can you relax your cleaning standard? Drop an extracurricular?

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I agree that it is good for them to have kids help with chores, even though it can feel like more work for you to make sure that happens. You want to raise functional adults who have the ability to take care of their own environment and more importantly, as WellRed says, who can appreciate and respect the labor involved in taking care of a household.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        100% agree with this!
        My son was one of only a few freshmen at his college who knew how to do laundry!

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I was astounded when I went to college at the number of my fellow students who had never, ever cooked a meal or done laundry. Like, had no idea how to even start going about it.

    2. Observer*

      How else will they learn or respect your hard work?

      I think all of the other stuff has been covered quite well. But I really want to highlight this one.

      I cannot tell you how many couples I have seen were one person has no respect for the contributions of the other because they have *zero* idea of what goes into it. And household stuff is an issue where this comes up All. The. Time.

      You want your kids to respect your time and work. You also want them to respect the time and work of the people they live and work with, and understand what it is reasonable to expect and what is not. If housework is the doing of house elves then they will never understand why their roommates and romantic partners won’t “just” do all this stuff for them. They won’t appreciate the people who *do* do stuff. And their relationships will probably suffer for not being able to pull their functional weight in the logistics of life.

      We hear all the jokes about guys who have no idea what their SAHM wives do and then are floored when their wife shows them in some dramatic fashion. But the stuff of good comedy often makes for a miserable life.

    3. Hyaline*

      As a clarification, we do involve them, teach them how to do household stuff, and hold them to certain chores—I was just noting that it’s not (yet) a solution to completing more household tasks because of their ages/abilities. (Like if they were a bit older straight up delegation would be an option to solving the manpower issue!)

  35. epicdemiologist*

    Two things I’ve been enjoying on YouTube: Josh Johnson’s comedy, and Moyun’s cover of Hotel California (played on the guzheng).

  36. SuprisinglyADHD*

    How do you carry an inhaler with you? Do I have to worry about accidentally spraying it in my purse or breaking it? I’ve never needed to carry one around before and I’m worried about damaging it. I could carry it in the box but it takes up so much space!

    1. Roy G. Biv*

      I carry a rescue inhaler at all times, in my purse or pocket. The inhaler has a cap/flap over the mouthpiece, and I have never yet accidentally triggered it or broken it. You could put it in a small soft case, something like a change purse, if you wanted an extra layer of protection, before placing it in your purse.

    2. Bluebell Brenham*

      Long time inhaler user here. As long as the cap is on, you should be fine. I do pack my inhalers in a cosmetic bag when I fly, just in case.

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I just throw it in my purse. Once in a while the cap will come off, which is a PITA to dig around for. Unless you’re leaving it in extreme conditions, it should be fine. Inhalers are less effective when they’re cold, so don’t leave it in an outside pocket if you’re outside in cold weather (ie, skiing).

    4. Buni*

      Mine get shoved in pockets, dropped in the bottom of of bags, knocked around loose in suitcases because I only remembered to throw them in at the last minute. I’ve never had one go off – they actually require quite a lot of pressure – and as Teapot said above the worse that happens is the lid comes off and you have to clear bag-fluff out the mouthpiece first. I think they’re basically indestructible.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      I’ve never had a problem with that–I either have it in the outer pocket of my bag for easy access or in my pocket if I’m not carrying said bag. Inhalers are tough!

    6. bibliovore*

      yes, don’t worry about setting it off accidentally. I have been carrying them around for years. I tuck it in whatever obvious pocket is in my handbag or my jacket pocket if I don’t have one. There is a small silicone bag like a small envelope that I find convenient to tuck it in.

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’ve been carrying an inhaler for decades and have never once broken it. This includes many years of shoving it into a pocket of a heavy backpack in wilderness from Alaska to New Zealand, jacket pockets with a daypack strap against it, sitting on it when it’s been in my jacket pocket, etc.

      Personally, I’ve found the cap useless. I gave up years ago on trying to keep it because they inevitably fell off. I recognize this would be too grungy for most people. The only cap that ever stayed on was permanently attached, but I don’t think they make that anymore because then you can’t use it with a spacer. Keeping it in a small bag as others have suggested would work to keep the cap on.

  37. Miss Molly*

    After you go shopping, do you check your receipt to make sure you were charged the correct prices and go back to get a refund if you weren’t?

    I’m wondering because my mom always checks her receipts at the store or when she gets home, and she often rants about finding she was charged too much for something that was supposed to be on sale. It can be an insignificant amount (less than a dollar) to several dollars or more, but she’ll always go back and get the money back no matter what.

    She can be obnoxious about it though. Like, once she used a $1 paper coupon, and when she got home she realized the coupon wasn’t taken off. The next week, she went to the customer service desk about it. The rep told her she couldn’t give her $1 because there was no way to verify the coupon. My mom demanded that the woman go back to her manager THREE times, until the manager finally came over and give my mom $1 to get rid of her. My mom was very proud of this. I was horrified.

    I started checking my receipts, and realized that every grocery trip I’m getting charged the regular price for a sale item at least once. Like this week, I got a large olive oil that was 30% off ($10 off) and 2 lb of strawberries that were supposed to be half price ($6 off), but I was charged full price for both and had to go back to get refunded the extra charges.

    My job doesn’t pay all that well and everything is expensive. I shop sales and use digital coupons as much as I can, so it’s been discouraging to realize I haven’t been saving as much as I should be despite my extra effort. But I also fear being obnoxious like my mom.

    So I’m just wondering if anyone else checks receipts and takes the time to get refunds when you’re overcharged? Is there a threshold where you would/wouldn’t bother to go back for a refund?

    1. RussianInTexas*

      I usually know what sale items cost, because usually I buy them due to sale. So I watch while the cashier checks me out and if something looks odd, I ask to recheck. Also if a regular item price looks off. Otherwise no, my grocery about is about the same week to week, and as long as it’s in the same rough ballpark, I do not check afterwards.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I agree, I don’t check receipts, I just watch the screen as I’m being checked out if there’s a sale I particularly wanted (like, if the main reason I decided to go for the item is because it’s a great day, or I had a coupon, I watch as that thing gets rung up and raise the issue then if it’s not what I expected). However, this mostly only works because I buy small loads of things, not like a giant grocery cart full of things that were $.25 off. I keep receipts until I’m sure I’m not going to return the item and then chuck them. My parents taught me to keep all receipts and cross-walk them every month against my credit card statement, but … see someone else’s comment above about the value of money vs time …

      2. Decidedly Me*

        I also do this. I tend to recall the sales price of items I’ve gotten (or even just that there was one, so I watch to see it applied). If it rings up wrong, I point it out and ask them to check.

    2. My Brain is Exploding*

      I do check receipts. Sometimes the checkout is so fast, it’s hard to keep up. I try to put everything I bought on sale at the end of my purchase, so I can pay closer attention and also only have the end of the receipt to check. Yes, I ask for refunds…not sure about amount, it depends on if I’m right there or if I have to make a separate trip. But it’s annoying because if it’s a big national chain doing that to millions of customers…that’s how they make millions of extra dollars!

    3. Not A Manager*

      I check receipts immediately after checkout, and I go to the customer service desk if necessary for a refund. I’m always polite and I don’t think there’s anything obnoxious about wanting to pay the proper price. It happens frequently enough that I now mentally budget the time into my shopping trips.

    4. least complicated*

      I check receipts about 50% of the time. Yes, the stores often over charge, this is by design. If I’m overcharged a significant amount, and I don’t catch it right away, I will go back (usually the next day or two) and request the difference. I have never had to ask for the manager. Honestly, I don’t blame your mother. You can be polite, but firm. Stores do this because they gain money if you’re “too polite” to ask for a refund, or if no one checks their receipt.

      1. carrot cake*

        “Yes, the stores often over charge, this is by design…Stores do this because they gain money if you’re ‘too polite’ to ask for a refund…”
        —–

        This is oddly cynical. The far likelier scenario is human beings are making mistakes and not properly programming sale prices into their stores’ systems because…human beings make mistakes. Think about it: most of the time, sale prices show up on receipts. When mistakes happen, managers usually correct them, or have someone else do so; but human beings also might forget to do so because something else comes up in that same moment, and then they’ll likely think “Oh, crap, what was that again…?” That’s just real life; how is it not?

        I personally check my receipts, but to assert evil-mindedness as the driving force behind having to do so is a bit ridiculous.

        1. Kathenus*

          I kind of agree with least complicated, due to the high percentage, across different store chains and states, that discounts don’t ring up correctly. It’s at the least poor attention to making sure that the specials are in the computer correctly; but given the fact that these things are pointed out regularly by customers, it’s hard for me to believe that there’s not – at least sometimes – some level of intentionality or at least apathy on it.

          1. Observer*

            Apathy, yes. Intentionallity, probably not.

            Keep in mind that there is a cost to doing this. And while at some level the profit may be higher than the cost, that tends to tip over when it happens too often. Because bad news travels.

            A store with little or no competition can more easily take the reputational hit, because people don’t have good choices. But when there are others around, that’s a very different issue. And aside from a couple of major chains that seem to specialize in opening outlets in under-served areas, all the majors need to keep their policies even in the less competitive markets reasonable because the negative reports will affect them in the more competitive areas.

    5. River*

      Money is a taboo in our society. I don’t like that it can be a sensitive topic to many. I feel like money shouldn’t be talked about or treated this way. Talking about money should be an open conversation with no faults, judgements, etc. I blame hollywood and the media for portraying this image of “money is everything”. I am like you, I do pay attention to receipts and the screen at the register more so. Its easy to point out on screen when an item is the wrong price and that way I can avoid having to get back in line to dispute a charge. Lately when I do notice incorrect prices I will say “Oh I think the register accidentally charged me the wrong price on that item” and that way it sounds like I’m ‘blaming’ the register and not making the cashier feel terrible. But I feel like a lot of people do this. Unless you’re part of the rich and wealthy crowd, everyone pays attention to prices on their receipts. And if people don’t and they get overcharged for something, that’s their loss…or they are just too scared to speak up for themselves. My mother is the same way and for her it stems from growing up in a poor family where they saved everything. And I think many of us are in the same boat as you…in that we probably don’t make a comfortable wage and everything is pricy so being extra attentive to purchases is necessary. It’s worth raising the refund at the store. You never know, your action can encourage someone around you to do the same and start speaking for themselves. :)

    6. Chaordic One*

      Yes, I usually check my receipts. When I buy something that is NOT on sale, then I’m less likely to check, but anytime there is a sale or coupon involved I make a point to check the receipt to be sure that I received the sale price or the discount from the coupon.

      For some reason, I find that I have to be especially vigilant when using digital coupons as my local Krogers. I live in a suburb and there are several different Kroger stores within a few miles of where I live. I do usually go to the store closest to my house, but I might stop at a different store every once in a while on my way home from work, or the doctor’s office, or when doing other shopping. Sometimes I make a special trip to a store that is a bit out of my way because there are certain items that my nearby store doesn’t carry (different kinds of sugar-free sodas), or because an item with a good sale price is sold out at my nearby store. When I have been overcharged, the clerks have been very good about giving me the digital coupon price and haven’t questioned me, but having to go back or call a clerk to help you in the self-service checkout lanes is a PITA.

      1. carrot cake*

        Not sure if this is the case for the whole company, but a Kroger near me had policy that if customers were overcharged, the store would issue a full refund and the customer got to keep the product. Happened to me when I splurged on a face cream that cost ~20; got the money back and got to take home the product. Now THOSE are receipts I started checking 100% of the time!

        1. Morning Dew*

          Whole Foods used to do this – charged incorrectly and you get the item and money back. They must have changed the policy because last time I pointed out the incorrect price, they just gave me the difference.

          1. Lala*

            pretty sure this might be a state thing. where I live, it something is marked at one price and it rings up at another, and of course you catch it, you get it free, plus if you’ve bought more than 1, you get the lower price on those too. there all all sorts of rules, like it has to be $20 or less, a commodity that isn’t alcohol or cigarettes or lottery tickets.

            I’ve also learned that if you correct the cashier at the time they ring it up, they just change it. I don’t know if this is legal or not…but now I keep quiet, and go to customer service after the transaction is completed. I love getting something free. particularly if i’m being indulgent buying it. though I honestly don’t check as closely as I should, given how often things are overcharged.

      2. Chaordic One*

        I didn’t quite explain the situation fully or quite adequately. There is one Kroger store in particular where I have the problem of the digital coupons not showing up after I scan my loyalty card in the checkout. When the digital coupons are not applied to the items I bought I usually catch it and the cashier will do something and give me the discount. (I think the cashier thinks that I didn’t actually “clip” the digital coupon.) If I don’t catch the mistake when checking out, I’ll go to the service desk and the clerk there will input the discount and either give me a refund for that amount or credit my credit card. The policy where they give you the item(s) for free if you are overcharged sounds wonderful, but my local Kroger stores don’t seem to have any such policy and I can’t find anything like that on the Kroger website.

    7. 248_Ballerinas*

      I look at the receipt when I get home. Can’t remember the last time I was overcharged.

      I hardly ever use paper coupons anymore. I wish CVS would send the pharmacy receipt to my email as they used to do. Exponentially more convenient to send the deals to my Extra Care card.

    8. Dark Macadamia*

      I have found that almost every time I notice an error and speak up it turns out I was wrong (either the signage was intentionally misleading or I genuinely misread something) so I don’t check unless it’s a really shocking/glaring difference. If I notice something ringing up wrong before I pay I will ask/decide not to get it.

    9. Ginger Cat Lady*

      I keep a rolling total in my head while I shop, if it’s more than about $5-10 off (depending on the size of the shopping trip) I will check the receipt before leaving.
      I’ve had errors in pricing big enough to go to customer service and get it resolved maybe 10% of the time. And (SHOCKER) I have never, ever had an underpricing error.

      1. dapfloodle*

        I have underpricing errors all the time but it’s usually for produce items that are similar-looking… for example, where I live people buy more cilantro than parsley, and parsley is more expensive, but much of the time I get charged for cilantro even when I buy parsley. Zucchini and cucumbers are also sometimes mistaken for each other if a cashier is going fast, and don’t cost exactly the same thing either.

    10. epicdemiologist*

      Sometimes–esp. if it’s a new store, or new to me. But I check before I leave, because driving back and forth to fix an issue might cost more than I’d get back.

    11. Chauncy Gardener*

      I watch the screen very closely as I’m being checked out. That way they can call the manager over right then and figure it out. If it turns out the item isn’t on sale, then I can decline to purchase it. Going back after the fact sounds like way too much work, for me anyway.

    12. Kathenus*

      My grocery store, which I love overall, is terrible about mistakes not giving discounts on things on sale and on digital coupons. So I do try to check the receipt in the store if I buy a number of things that are supposed to be discounted, especially if the amounts are higher – like something $2 off or such. I probably find an error close to half the time. If it’s a few cents here or there I don’t worry about it but if it’s in the dollars range I go to customer service to ask for it to be fixed. I’m always very polite, but when I’m being shorted ‘real’ money I don’t at all think it’s rude or inappropriate to ask it to be made right.

    13. Busy Middle Manager*

      The issue is that people under ~55-60 stopped doing what your mom does, because so many people who did it when we were teen cashiers were nasty about it and did the “manager now!” thing when one of the 100 coupons they had didn’t scan. No one wants to be that person.

      But we should absolutely bring back couponing and checking receipts. I’m mid 40s and started using coupons. They’re not only for old people! You do need to plan a bit and store some coupons until it makes sense to buy 2-3 of something though.

    14. Morning Dew*

      I check my receipts every single time before I leave the stores.

      I’m old school so I write out my grocery list with paper and pen as I browse various stores’ weekly ads and websites. And I write down the prices of the items as well so I know what the total should be roughly (due to items that charge by weight).

      I had too many incidents being charged incorrectly so I check before I leave to get a refund right there and then if needed.

    15. Enough*

      I always check my receipt. There are less problems with correct prices as there are with the reward program not working right. Those points save me gas money.

    16. Girasol*

      When I was young and living paycheck to paycheck I would add the grocery tab in my head as I went through the grocery, and knew immediately if the final charge was off more than a few cents. And then yes, I would look at the receipt and point out the problem. It was usually an item where the sale price was on the shelf but not in the cash register system. Nowadays I don’t have to worry, but I still look at my receipt pretty often to see what I spend the most on, more to inform my choices than claim refunds.

    17. Filosofickle*

      I don’t check, and the threshold is really really high for me to go back. It’s not great, it’s just what I do. Likewise I also don’t reconcile credit card bills or bank statements. At some point I did all of these things as taught by my diligent mother, and I decided that: a) I found errors so infrequently and when I did they were small; b) it “costs” me more in time and stress to figure out than it saves; c) even 5 minutes spent trying to get $5 bucks back isn’t worth it to me; and d) It’ll rattle around in my brain for days/weeks and then I’ll forget to do it but still feel bad about it. My brain just isn’t good at things like this.

    18. goddessoftransitory*

      My store has a screen where you can see each item as it’s rung up and the discount taken, so that hasn’t been a worry. If yours has a similar setup, watch that screen. If it’s a paper receipt only, be sure to check the BOTTOM of it to see if the discounts are listed in one line as opposed to under each discounted item.

      If you aren’t getting the discount, go to the customer service desk with the receipt and ask for an adjustment.

      1. Clisby*

        It’s that way at my grocery store, too. The screen showing the items and any discounts is facing me, so it’s not like I have to crane my neck to see what’s in front of the cashier. I do check that and it’s obvious if a discount isn’t applied – which almost never happens.

    19. MissB*

      I plan my grocery shop, often to the penny, lol.

      I use the Shopper app for my grocery lists, and I generally take a few extra seconds when I’m at the store to double check the cost of an item, updating the price of the item for that store. I can have lists for different stores, and if I’ve connected the name of the store with the list, then the price for the item is connected to that store. Example: I buy a quart of non fat plain Greek yogurt at Winco and it’s $3.54. At Costco, the much larger size of the yogurt is $5.99. I can have two lists and two prices for the same item, if that makes sense.

      About the only sales I hit are at Fred Meyers and Costco. I add the sale price for the items I’m buying from each place, so I know right away if my total is super-off.

      I’m often frustrated when I go to Fred Meyers at 6 am Wednesday mornings to shop. It’s the first day of their ad, and often the prices aren’t loaded right, so I do a self check out and watch the price, calling over the cashier if something rings up wrong.

      In general, I don’t leave the store unless I’ve checked the receipt.

    20. Alex*

      I watch the scanned price on the screen and make sure that the right amount is being taken off. If I see something that isn’t correct, I say something at that time.

      It isn’t obnoxious if you are being kind and respectful to the person you are talking to.

    21. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      I have always checked the receipt, since I was a student many years ago. Back then the stores often refunded the money and gave you the item. These days they only seem to refund the overcharge – no incentive then for the store to get better at charging the correct price, of course. On average, one in three of my supermarket receipts has an overcharge – the worst one recently was being charged for two $20 bags of cat biscuits instead of one!
      There also seems to be more now of what I consider deceptive advertising, when the sales price stickers appear to apply to the item but they actually apply to a smaller or slightly different version of the item rather than the one that is right at the front etc.
      I remember many years ago when there was a sticker on each item and when you put things in the pantry it was obvious how much prices had increased. It only works to the store’s advantage and the customer’s disadvantage, to no longer be able to readily check. I am always surprised when people buy hundreds of dollars of food and products and when asked, airily reject having a receipt!

      1. Observer*

        no incentive then for the store to get better at charging the correct price, of course.

        Actually, yes there is. Anything that slows the line down is a cost to them. So is anything that requires the intervention of another person to fix.

        I remember many years ago when there was a sticker on each item and when you put things in the pantry it was obvious how much prices had increased.

        Yeah, there are better ways to see how prices have increased. And the whole stickers on individual items is a huge waste of all sorts of resources. So, I’m fine with those going away.

    22. Harlowe*

      I always use self-check-out and confirm as I go. Some discounts they don’t apply until the end, so I check as soon as the receipt prints, then immediately go to the CS counter with everything in-hand if necessary.

      I also know who the repeat offenders are (the produce department at Store A is always inaccurate) so I snap photos with my phone of the display/tag as I shop.

      Make sure you check the store policy on errors, because some places will give you either the item for free, or twice the errored amount (so if the missed discount was one dollar off, you get two dollars off).

    23. RetailMistakes*

      Where I live you have to catch that before you leave so they can check the item costs what you expected it to cost. I will try to catch mistakes as they’re rung up because then the cashier can usually fix them, but if not I check receipts in stores and get refunds from customer service as needed. I also usually walk up to the cashier with a general estimate of what I expect it to cost and will question if it’s significantly different. I find mistakes are made about 50% of the time, and I’ve had some be pretty pricy (I was once charged for 8 of a $20 item instead of one, for example, and have been double charged for stuff fairly often).

      The types of things I have gotten fixed later are things like servers at restaurants who added to the tip when I’ve paid by credit card (only happened a few times, but it was egregious when it did – things like changing a tip from $2 to $12 on a $6 meal).

    24. Observer*

      So I’m just wondering if anyone else checks receipts and takes the time to get refunds when you’re overcharged?

      Yes. Any place that gives you a hard time about it may be a place you should stop shopping at.

      I generally check the receipt as I’m walking out the door. Fortunately, I’ve rarely had a problem. But if you are getting over charged by a total of $16 there is absolutely nothing *close* to “obnoxious” about going back to get that fixed. The fact that there were actually 2 errors on the slip is also bad – it speaks to a fair level of sloppiness.

      If this is a pattern – either you see errors on a regular basis or specifically on sales and discounts, you may want to talk to management or find a new place to shop. But whether you can / want to do either or not, very few of us can afford to lose that kind of money on a regular basis. And no one should be embarrassed to make the store make good.

  38. SuprisinglyADHD*

    How often do you have a song stuck in your head?
    I’ve recently been told that waking up with a song in my head or having one even in my sleep is not a common thing and now I’m curious how frequently the “average person” has some song running on repeat in their mind.

    1. YNWA*

      It’s actually very common to wake up with a song in your head or have a song running through your head all day. They’re called ear worms and it’s just something the brain does.

        1. YNWA*

          My husband gets them less often than I do, but he still sometimes wakes up with a song in his head. It is rare to not get ear worms ever.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              I rarely get those, and never the “traditional” ones. I think my last one was about getting in trouble at work for using a coworker’s Netflix password. (Which I have never done anyway.)

        2. allathian*

          The only people I know who are completely immune to earworms are tone deaf. I’m not, even if I can’t carry a tune and my vocal range’s less than an octave. But I quite often dream “movies” with a full symphonic score.

          Does your partner enjoy listening to music?

          Current earworm is Born on the Bayou by CCR.

          For what it’s worth, I’m neurotypical.

      2. 248_Ballerinas*

        I very often do, but I’m a big music fan and listen to music throughout the day. I can come up with a song lyric for almost any situation and have to restrain myself from blurting them out to those who aren’t interested.

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I have that frequently. Apparently, it is kind of an ADHD thing, though I think it happens to others as well.

    4. UKDancer*

      Fairly often, especially if I’ve been dancing to it recently. Not just songs with words but pieces of music they use in ballet class. I mean I was singing pieces from Nutcracker walking back from ballet class because the pianist was playing it for some of the sequences.

      I mean sometimes music just sticks in your head. That’s what it does.

      I am neuro typical so I don’t think it’s an ND thing, I think it’s just a thing that some people have.

    5. Undine Spragg*

      Not only do I have songs running in my head, but if I listen to them, they can tell me what’s on my mind.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Constantly. There is never a time when I do not have a song stuck in my head. Right now (and most of this week) it’s “Like Home” by Eminem. Usually a song will stick for 3-5 days, unless something particularly distinctive comes up sooner and dislodges it.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I went out to do errands and now it’s “Waka Waka” by Shakira. (Which I did not actually hear while I was out and about, so I have no idea what prompted it.)

    7. The Ramones*

      Yes, to this, although mine do change frequently. I used to think it was the result of having the radio on constantly at work, but I’ve realized that’s got nothing to do with it. When I was in my early 20s, I thought everyone always had a song in their head, but no. (I got such weird looks when I asked a friend what song she had currently in her head.) If the song is annoying me, I focus on a Ramones song to dislodge it. I had a therapist tell me it’s probably a response to anxiety, which tracks. It’s really just background music.

    8. Forensic13*

      I have it almost always when I’m not actively on Adderall, so I assume mine at least is ADHD related!

      I like to use it to threaten my college students if they’re not answering questions in class; since I’ve usually got a soundtrack, I can out-wait any awkward silence.

    9. ctrl-alt-delicious*

      Pretty much all the time. Sometimes it’s something I listened to recently, sometimes a throwback. If it’s in my head long enough I start thinking variations of it.

      I actually don’t at this very moment, but I’m sure it’s a matter of time.

    10. Sloanicota*

      24/7/365. If I don’t watch myself, I am constantly humming along, which I recognize is my toxic trait that drives people around me nuts. I have “background” music in my dreams, FWIW. My favorite is when I realize the reason a certain song has come up on the ole’ mental playlist is some obscure connection to what I’m doing, that I didn’t even register on the conscious level, yet clearly subconsciously did (IE, I help a child with a hat and then an hour later wonder why I am still humming the chorus of “you can leave your hat on”).

    12. Anon Poster*

      Almost always. Not 24/7 (nothing playing in there right now, for example), but multiple times a day, every single day. I have over 150 students, and many of their names get songs suck in my head. Things people say in conversation get songs stuck in my head. The units I teach at work get the same songs stuck in my head on the same loop every school year. I never turn on the TV or music when getting ready for work because there are always songs playing in my head. But then other times there is peace!

    13. WellRed*

      I wake up every morning with a song in my head, no rhyme or reason. Yesterday was Green Day, today is the Beatles.

    14. Miss Molly*

      I never wake up with a song stuck in my head, but I’ll randomly hear a catchy song (or listen to a catchy song on purpose) and it’ll get stuck in my head for a few days. It’s not constant, but it’s not infrequent either.

      Like, I watched the Dexter: New Blood series last year, and one episode had the song “Runaway” by Del Shannon in it. That was stuck in my head for like a week. I just listened to it and it’s probably going to get stuck in my head again, lol.

    15. Bike Walk Barb*

      Quite often and this is very common. Quick on research + earworm will bring up a lot of articles. Fun fact I learned when I did this: The term “earworm” comes from the German Ohrwurm, meaning a musical itch. It was coined in 1979 by the psychiatrist Cornelius Eckert. I’ll drop the source link in a reply.

      Years ago I read that these fragments get stuck if you can’t complete the song, which is often the case for me with a pop song that I don’t really know. I’ll sing something ordinary and non-catchy, like the happy birthday song, to dislodge the one I can’t lose.

      Link I definitely won’t share: An article from the American Psychological Association that discusses the phenomenon but then provides a list of the most common songs that people have mentioned they’re stuck on in recent years, which just gives you a bunch of songs that will start showing up in your mental playlist. Not helpful, APA, not helpful.

    16. Chauncy Gardener*

      I 99% of the time wake up with a song in my head. Sometimes I know where it came from, but other times I can’t figure it out!

    17. Pieforbreakfast*

      Every day, and if not a specific song than just random music. Turns out all my siblings have the same and at least one nibling. Once it was Tie a Yellow Ribbon and it was stuck for days until I unknowningly started singing it out loud (softly) and a coworker asked about it. Sometimes I wake up with it, often it’s a snippet I hear from a passing car or in a store that settles into my brain. And then there’s the ditty I wrote last year around a tune that was stuck and now that is constantly present (the title of which is Don’t Be Selfish With Your Shellfish).

    19. SuprisinglyADHD*

      Huh, reading all these responses, it’s starting to seem like it’s one of those things that’s super common but the few people who don’t have it are surprised to find out it exists. Similar to the people who have an inner monologue vs the people who don’t think in words/sentences.
      Also the frequency seems to vary a lot, people like me who have it 24/7, people who get it a few times a day or week, and those who have it for days at a time but infrequently.
      Cool!

    20. goddessoftransitory*

      I wake up with a tune in my head a LOT. A couple days ago it was Sarah McLachan’s Ice Cream, which I hadn’t thought about in years. I also am kept awake a lot by my brain hitting repeat on a single phrase of a song and driving me mad–I have to mentally sing “100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” LOUDLY to make it stop.

    23. The OG Sleepless*

      I have a song stuck in my head all the time. Every waking minute. It’s probably a neurodiversity thing. (If you’re curious, my head has had me on a strict diet of Chappell Roan lately, and right now it’s Femininominon.)

    25. KR*

      Almost constantly in the background (or sometimes unfortunately the foreground) of my mind. Right now it’s Mirror by the Last Dinner Party. Enjoy!

    26. RagingADHD*

      Song stuck in my head while awake: very often, sometimes lasting a couple of weeks.

      Waking up to a song in my head: commonplace enough that I refer to it as my built-in clock radio.

      Being startled awake in the middle of the night for no apparent reason to Sousa marches in my head at what feels like full volume: thankfully not that often, but more often that I would like, which is never.

    29. Innocentia*

      Maybe once every three or four months? It gets stuck there for a few days and annoys the crap out of me, I hate it so much. I think I’d lose my mind if this was a frequent thing!

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Actually you get used to it :) pretty much just background noise, like on an elevator or in a store. Sometimes I realize that I’m tapping my fingers, bobbing my head or chewing in time to it.

    30. MEHSquared*

      Not that often, but when I do, they get REALLY stuck. I had “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?” by Elton John stuck in my brain, on and off, for years. Like it would be an earworm for a week, disappear for a few weeks/months, then come back again. Good times.

    31. ElastiGirl*

      Always. Constantly. Right now, I’m bouncing back and forth between “Pick Yourself Up” from the 1930s movie “Swing Time” (probably my subconscious speaking to me) and “Bend and Snap” from the musical “Legally Blonde” (probably not my subconscious?)…

      About once a year, I pay attention and write down all the songs that I notice running in my internal soundtrack for a couple of days, just to see what’s up there. It’s usually about 20 songs in a day, on an endless loop.

      Fwiw, I am neurodivergent, not ADHD.

    32. FlightfulFancy*

      Whenever this happens to me, I immediately find some free time to listen to the song and then usually the song leaves my head. Unless its an annoying song then I let time do its thing. The longest I’ve had a song stuck in my head was around 2 days. Definitely an interesting experience to say the least LOL!

  39. BestCatToys*

    There seems to be a decent amount of pet knowledge in this forum, so might as well ask. I might need to take my grandmother’s dog soon (hopefully we get her help that allows her to keep him, but her dementia also means she’s sometimes refusing to allow help in). He’s about 10lbs and pretty good at jumping, so I’m completely blanking on ideas for keeping him out of the litter box and cat food. It took a long time to get the cat to free feed, and I really don’t want her to go back to binging, especially now that we’re dealing with some health issues.

    The dog is very sweet with my mom’s cats when he’s visited, just wants to cuddle, and my cat has lived with dogs before, so I’m not really worried about that. I’m planning to try crate training since he’ll need to be rehouse broken (also main concern from grandma’s nursing home). I’ll also need to crate him at our barn—he loves visiting the barn but can’t be unsupervised. This is also where we learned he easily fits through a cat door.

    1. Sloanicota*

      I had a nice little pet gate that locked into doorways, and there was a “kitty door” but since your dog is small it might be better to have the cats jump or climb over, such as by putting the cat tree on one side and a nearby dresser on the other side where the dog can’t get.

      1. BestCatToys*

        I hadn’t thought about an obstacle course-style solution. I’ve definitely done the baby gate/pet gate before, but dude is so little and athletic (chihuahua mix). I think the cat would jump on a dresser or something where she could use her claws (haven’t had great success with actual cat trees).

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      How does his raw climbing skill compare to the cat’s? Relatives used to feed their cat on top of the refrigerator to keep the dog out of the food. But the dog was not 10 lb.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My husband keeps his cat food up on a table where the cats can access it and the dogs can’t. (Well. The Dane could, but she’s afraid of the basement so she doesn’t go down there.) Could do the same thing with a litter box – bonus of not having to crouch down or bend over to scoop it? We had a wooden box with a small door that fit over the catbox for a while, I joked that it was our house’s fourth bathroom, but the smallest dog we were ever keeping out of it was 70 pounds, so that probably isn’t as helpful. Our current solution is a litter robot in the basement – the woofapotamus is afraid of the basement, as I said, and my elder dog who is happy to go down there is not a stereotype and has no interest in the litter box, and in fact comes to her nearest human to tattle on the cats whenever they do their business in the house. (Which is hilarious. She has still never resolved the discrepancy between her “don’t do your business in the house” rule and her “cats aren’t allowed outside” rule.)

    5. dapfloodle*

      I had a Schipperke dog at one point, so a dog a bit bigger than the one you’re describing, and a baby gate worked great for keeping him away from the litterbox and cat food. We did this for over a decade with no problem at all. The gate could be scaled (jumped over) by our cats with no problem (including when we got a new kitten), but our dog couldn’t get over it (even when he was an energetic young thing, so definitely not when he was a distinguished old fellow), so no problems there.

    1. anon24*

      Is it helpful to respond to trolls with a link that will send the comment to moderation so it gets flagged for you, or would you rather we just leave it alone?

      1. Unkempt Flatware*

        She asks that we create a separate comment with a web link to the offending comment which will automatically trigger moderation. The weblink makes it easier for her to know which commenter is trolling. I think she doesn’t want you to embed it as a reply to the troll.

    2. Ron McDon*

      Alison, if it’s not ‘regular’ commentators doing this, might it help to have an extra comment from you at the top (in a separate box would stand out more) stating that there’s been a recent increase in trolling and you’d ask that people don’t respond to them, but flag the comment for moderation?

      That way people who aren’t regulars here will feel assured that you’re aware and will be looking out for flagged comments, rather than feeling ‘somebody’ should reply to the troll to shut them down.

  41. River*

    I am afraid I am losing a friend to video gaming. Every night he’s gaming, gaming, gaming. He never wants to go out and I’ve invited him many a time to go out and hang out and do something out in the world. He usually says no and says he has plans on gaming. The only time we “hang out” is if I decide to game with him. I am actually growing away from gaming and doing a lot of IRL things. He does not seem to want to do that. I know we can’t change people but I feel like deep down he legit might be depressed and gaming is his form of escapism. Weekends I am out and about and he’s at home just gaming even after I’ve invited him. Is there anything I can do to help this dude out or should I just accept his life style choices? I know priorities shift as time goes on but I really feel like he should be going out and enjoying life rather than sitting at home on weekends behind a screen.

    1. Nino*

      I have a friend in a similar situation. Would it be possibke for you to visit him at home more often? You may not be doing what you’d want to be doing, but in my experience good company can make the worst of activities enjoyable.

      1. River*

        He doesn’t like having people over. I’ve suggested doing something at his house and he is usually hesitant on doing so. He actually had a family thing recently and he was telling me how anxious he is having that many people over. Maybe his girlfriend doesn’t want anyone over. Idk…

        1. Nino*

          That’s rough. It’s encouraging that he has a girlfriend—is there any way you could encourage her to coax him out for something simple like coffee or a trip to the cinema? In my case I just went over his house and effectively forced him to be social (he was OK with this; he wouldn’t invite anyone over but he always seemed happy to see me).

    2. Generic Name*

      Presuming this guy is an adult, it’s unlikely that a person who prefers to spend his free time alone, at home, playing video games will suddenly decide to get hobbies or join activities outside the house. If he’s a teenager, he might develop other interests and the video games will be a smaller part of his life.

      I say this based on being married to a gamer for over a decade. My son is also a gamer, but as he’s entered his later teen years, he’s widened his interests and now meets up with friends to play tabletop games or do other activities.

      1. FlightfulFancy*

        I grew up with video games during my younger years but I too have developed other interests. And I agree, once you’re an adult you tend to set your ways and patterns and its a little different versus a child/teen.

    3. JuliePaslie*

      If you’re concerned he’s depressed, that might be something to mention to him. I don’t know how; I’m used to being the depressed person, not the helper.

    4. Flickering*

      So you were also into gaming, and have now changed your preferences, and you want him to change to be like you? That seems rather self-centred.

      Sometime people just like doing things they like. Some of us don’t actually enjoy going out! Can you understand that people like different things? Can you accept that he is a person with his own links, wants and preferences? Can you accept that maybe he just doesn’t want to hang out with you?

      Unless you have a LOT more to go on than “he likes to stay home and play video games”, please steer clear of trying to diagnose him with mental health issues, and let him live his life the way he wants to.

      2. FlightfulFancy*

        I don’t think OP is saying he wants his friend the be just like OP. I think it’s more trying to go out and enjoy some external activities once in a while. I always appreciate an invitation to get together with mates even if they know I am more busy than they are. :-)

    5. Unkempt Flatware*

      I don’t game but I am your friend. I’d stop answering your communications if it were me. Just let me be me.

    6. Literally a Cat*

      You changed, and you are unhappy that he won’t change to suit you. You both need new friends tbh.

  42. Hating my hair*

    I never learned to style my hair. It’s fine and won’t grow passed my shoulders. I always just put it in a pony tail. I really never like the way it looks no matter what I do.

    I’ve tried to watch hair videos and follow along but I can’t seem to get it.

    Anyway, I was thinking it would be nice if a hair stylist would offer in person lessons. I want them to help me come up with 3 ways to style my hair and work with me while I try to do it myself. Has anyone ever done something like this with a stylist? I’m not even sure if that’s a thing.

    1. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’m sure they would do that! Most hairdressers will show you how to style your new haircut as well. Try to call around and ask or ask friends for referrals.
      I’m terrible with my fine shoulder length hair as well. I realized that if I get a cool big hair clip and twist my hair up and use the clip to secure it, everything thinks it looks awesome. Who knew?
      Good luck!

    2. Still*

      I’ve googled “personalised hairstyling lesson” and got some results, so it seems to be a service that exists. You might also have some luck just asking at your local hairdresser’s, they might know if there’s anyone like that in the area.

      I also tend to put my hair in a ponytail way more often than I’d like… which is how I know it’s time for a haircut. Can’t put my hair in a ponytail if I have a short bob!

    3. Kay*

      Do you have a regular stylist? If so, they are going to be the best person to talk to about it. If not, contact a salon and make your request. I’ve absolutely had these conversations with mine over the years. Most should be able to help do this and the more information you can give them the better the result will be. You will likely need to pay for their time, may need to buy some products/tools, may need to change up the cut and there may be some trial and error to it.

      Have an idea of how much time you want to spend on your hair, make sure you can express what you don’t like about your current looks/options and what you do want the end result to be.

    4. Tech Industry Refugee*

      SAME. I do best with a pixie-bob type of style to maintain some volume. Dry shampoo is also great for volume.

    5. RLC*

      I’ve done this! Asked my hairdresser about it, she was happy to give “lessons” for different styling techniques. I scheduled with her for extra-long appointments (so I could ask lots of questions) and one new technique per visit. Tipped generously for those “teaching” appointments too.

    6. Ron McDon*

      I think perhaps you need to go to a different stylist, explain exactly what you’ve said here, and see if they can suggest a new style – as someone else said, something like a chin length bob could look very chic. My hair tends to frizz and not grow past my collar, so I have it cut quite short – Google Frankie Bridge short hair (I’m in the UK) for the kind of styles I have. People often tell me how stylish my hair looks, and I spend very little time on it!

      If you want to keep the length, a new stylist could discuss adding/growing out layers, a fringe etc – a good stylist will also demonstrate how to dry/style your hair, and I’m sure would be up for you booking in with them to ‘practice’ how to style your hair with them watching and giving advice.

      The other point to note is that your tools can get you vastly improved results – when I first bought myself a powerful hairdryer as opposed to using my mum’s (which had all the strength of a baby’s breath!), the results were so much better. Different products can make a huge difference too.

      Good luck!

    7. mreasy*

      If you can find a well reviewed hairstylist, they may be able to find a cut that gives you a look you’re happy with – and they’d certainly help you with styling ideas. The problem is, a good haircut from a real pro will always be expensive, but in my experience, worth it if you have the means and problem hair.

      1. Unkempt Flatware*

        This is the way for me. I also have fine shoulder length straight hair. It must be styled to look good. I also must have a great cut and use good products. I would recommend a master stylist specializing in short cuts at an Aveda salon. It is worth the money and something I’d never consider skimping on ever again. Have her teach you how to do a blowout at home. Learn to use a round brush properly. Get a good hair dryer that gets hot enough. Blow it out in sections. There’s a Houston based newscaster who does her own hair for the broadcast and she is an excellent teacher. She’s on YouTube and a google search of these terms should get you to her stuff.

  44. Salad spinner*

    I might be looking for a unicorn, but can anyone recommend a salad spinner that is good at drying lettuce leaves and is collapsible or at least not too big? My current spinner is huge and also doesn’t get enough moisture out and I am Fed Up with it. I know a smaller unit would require more batches, but greater effectiveness and space-saving size would make that an acceptable tradeoff.

    1. Salad spinner*

      PS, my hands are relatively weak and I have not done well with the kind of spinner where you pull a cord to get it to rotate, ranging from “can’t make this spin at all” to “what a puny spin for a huge effort.”

    2. Afternoon Nap*

      Look up the Oxo Little Salad and Herb Spinner – I have this, it works great. No string to pull, small size.

    3. Unkempt Flatware*

      Alas, I have resigned myself to the way my Vietnamese friends do it–by aggressively swinging an open colander of greens through the air until satisfied. You must be quick and confident in your swing, though.

      1. Salad spinner*

        Wouldn’t this make your surroundings pretty wet? I can imagine this being doable outdoors, but in the house? Unless you have enough room to swing it around in your shower stall….

    4. Ron Mc Don*

      My mum always puts her washed salad leaves in a clean tea towel and kind of presses the towel down over the leaves to dry them, then leaves them to dry for a time. She then bags the leaves up and puts them in the fridge so they’re washed and ready for when she wants to use them. I believe she washes and bags a week’s worth at a time.

  45. Dark Macadamia*

    What’s an impractical/unnecessary skill you wish you had? Could be attainable or far-fetched.

    I would love to be able to sing and play piano at the same time, but I’m pretty bad at both so I doubt I would ever do too great even with practice.

    1. Buni*

      ugh, you hit on my one thing. I’m a reasonably good singer, I’m a professional pianist, I CANNOT do both at the same time….

    3. noname today*

      All of my family friends and neighbors wish I could sing on key—even one song. Obviously my lack of ability doesn’t deter me—hence the wish of others

    4. least complicated*

      I wish I knew how to flavour things perfectly. I’m a reasonably good cook, but sometimes things are just a bit *off* and I wish I knew if I should add salt or acid or more herbs or what.

    5. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I wish I could sing better. I would love to be a cabaret singer doing the great American songbook.

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      Dancing and other coordinated graceful stuff like gymnastics. This is as unattainable for me as flying to the moon and I’m super jealous of lithe, effortless types.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Same. I would love to take classes in belly dancing or hula especially, but I have two left feet at the best of times and also a chronic inability to make myself keep doing things I’m bad at.

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        Ohhh yes watching the gymnasts in the Olympics I was like wow it must feel great to be able to do that lol

    9. Generic Name*

      This is really dumb, but the ability to tolerate long nails. I have no problem growing out my nails. The problem is as soon as my nails are a few mm long, they bother me and I trim them. So I recently decided to get fake nails to see if somehow that was better. It wasn’t. I waited 2 weeks with the claws and just got them removed. I can do stuff again.

    10. Jessica*

      Wow, given the wishes so far, I just wish I could grant all your wishes and attend the resulting AAM cabaret/circus.

    11. Alex*

      I wish I could french braid my own hair. I can semi-do it on someone else. I theoretically know how to do it. I’ve tried you tube tutorials and practice and I just can’t make my hands go right when they are on my head.

    12. Esprit de l'escalier*

      Singing ability for me too. I have always wished I had a drop-dead gorgeous solo voice, but I’d settle for a decent choral voice, because singing with a large choral group would be great too. I know my soprano and alto friends greatly enjoy their choral singing.

      The fact that I don’t qualify on either count doesn’t stop me from singing along at every opportunity. I’m on the okay side of mediocre, I love singing with other people, and the vocally gifted ones can carry the rest of us. But since we’re fantasizing, I wish I were one of the gifted ones.

    13. Clara Bowe*

      I wish I was better at weaving. I learned on a large loom when I was a kiddo, but never got into smaller and tighter weaves. I also wish I had more skill at wood working. I don’t have the tools or the space, but I have a bunch of stuff I wish I could just make myself.

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        Mine too, although I’d settle for four or 5 languages if I didn’t have to work at learning them.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        Oh yes, the calligraphy thing. I’ve been working on that since elementary school, and well…..let’s just say if I were a medieval monk I probably would have been assigned to gardening duty.

        I’ll keep trying, though!

    17. allathian*

      Singing for me, as well. I cringe at singing in public, even simple stuff like Happy Birthday.

      My dad’s the only person in my FOO who can sing. My husband and SIL can sing and my FIL used to sing in a senior choir until his dementia meant he could no longer find his way to practice. He’s almost non-verbal now and lives in a care home for people with dementia but he can still sing some of his favorite songs.

    18. Harlowe*

      I’d also love the ability to sing. I had it and lost it, due to health issues. I think I miss it more than if I’d never had it.

      Also tempting: mastery of spatial intelligence. I am constantly smacking my hips and elbows into doorjambs, tripping over things, and losing my balance. I also cannot estimate volume (choosing a Tupperware for leftovers, packing suitcases or car trunks, designing closets).

  46. anonforthis*

    I forgot what username I used, but a few months ago I wrote in about a friend that was making condescending comments about me and my hobbies but getting mad at me for making plans without her.

    A predictable update on the situation: We are no longer friends, but the reason is very random and strange.

    I recently got into a relationship, and waited until we were a few months in to tell the friend group. She was upset that I didn’t tell her about the guy right away and kept it a secret from her. If that wasn’t enough, when she did get to know him, she said that I was acting like a spoiled princess because I allowed him to buy me stuff (???) And then she cut me off.

    I’m so confused. This friend has been married for a few years, so I don’t know why she would care about the nature of my relationship or when I told her about it. But if I’m being honest, I’m a little relieved.

    1. Two cents*

      Well that escalated quickly. I’m glad the thing found an end and that you are at peace with it!

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I think I remember your post then. If it were me, I’d be a LOT relieved that this person is no longer in contact. She sounds like a very unhappy person who has a lot of growing and self-reflection to do, and until she does that (if she ever does), she’s going to take her unhappiness out on other people. Maybe in ten or twenty years, she’ll pop up with an apology and a better attitude, but for now, I think you are WAY better off without someone like this in your life.

    4. allathian*

      I remember your post, if not your username.

      Sounds like you’re much better off without her in your life.

      I wish you much happiness in your relationship! And him too, of course.

    6. Literally a Cat*

      Don’t be confused: you’ve done nothing wrong. Congrats for being free, she sounds like a nightmare

    7. Brevity*

      I agree that you’re better off, for now; but I’d leave the door open for a possible re-connection down the road, because here is her problem:

      She wants what you have.

      I’d bet significant money that she’s angry at both herself and the world. and is taking it out on you. You have fun with your hobbies, she doesn’t. She’s married and probably feels ignored; you’re in the first lovely romantic stages and he buys things for you that you like, e.g. he’s paying attention to you. She wants to go out and do things, but sometimes you do stuff without her (I can’ blame you). She wants to be someone else’s BFF, who gets to hear about everyone else’ exciting life first, because she doesn’t like hers. I suspect she’s very lonely.

      Not your problem to fix, of course. But I can see where she might return in a few years to apologize. I certainly hope so, for her own happiness.

    8. FlightfulFancy*

      I am sorry that you lost a friend. Sometimes cutting out the toxicity is the best way to go. I never understood people that enjoyed drama or whatnot. Again, I am sorry and I hope time helps with this situation. Take care. :-)

  47. Poached-egg cups*

    Does anyone know how to use a silicone poached-egg cup? I just rediscovered two of them in a kitchen drawer, watched a video, and had a semi-successful outcome. The main challenge was to set the filled cups (one at a time) into the simmering water without either spilling the contents or getting water into them.

    I used a slotted spoon to set them in there and to remove them, but still got some water in the cups. Is that the right technique and I just need to get better at it? Also, I used a 4-qt saucepan, but would a wider (but shallower) skillet be better? I would have more wiggle room to set the second one in and take the first one out, but it might be too shallow to maintain the necessary water level.

    1. MissB*

      I use an instant pot, so I don’t float them. Mine have high sides on the end, so I would probably just hold the high sides and set them on the water?

      The nice thing about an instant pot is that I can set metal canning rings on the bottom and the silicone cups just stay upright.

    2. I didn't say banana*

      I understand you want to use the cups you have, but if the ultimate goal is to have poached eggs, I highly recommend buying a $5 microwave poacher. Mine cooks four at a time, perfectly, in 90 seconds. I found the cup ones tricky to get right.

    3. Mutually supportive*

      I’ve used these quite a lot. Don’t worry if some water gets in and/or if the silicone cup sinks. It’s really no different to if you were poaching the egg in the pan without the silicone cups – just drain off the water before serving :)

      The biggest challenge I found was that I’d try to do something else while they cooked, get distracted, and end up with them overcooked. So I bought an electric egg poacher which I LOVE. It was £20, poaches 3 eggs at a time and makes a loud buzzer when it’s done so the eggs are perfect, or close to, every time!

      (caveat – it took a few attempts to put in the right amount of water to get them perfect for me, and you need a little more if the egg is big or the kitchen is cold, but once you’ve worked that out, you’re good)

  48. OmNom*

    For a youth group I lead – can you help me come up with a few examples of life situations where a person has to choose between two not-great options? Where there isn’t really a good choice, just a bad and a worse? I’m not sure how clear I’m being here, but basically, I want to discuss the grey areas of life. They’re great kids, really thoughtful, but they are teens, and often in our discussions I see quite a bit of black and white thinking; no nuance. I want to challenge them with a couple of imaginary scenarios and get a good conversation going.

    2. Morning Reader*

      You have an ill-behaved dog but limited resources to train. Go into debt and take time off to train and hope it works? Or rehome? And how to rehome?

      You want to have children but you also have a high-intensity job. Do you take time off to have children, impacting your career progression (dropping out of medical school, maybe) or do you delay having them, potentially eliminating the possibility of having them.

      You have been drafted by your much-loved nation to fight a war you feel is illegal or immoral. Do you report for duty, risking potential injury or death? Flee? Serve a prison term?

      Your friend brings a gun to school. If you tell, everyone will know it was you who told and your peer group would shun you. What do you do?

        2. Jessica*

          i will disagree. granted, OP just said “teens “ and there’s a big difference between 13 and 19. but my country has drafted teenagers and sent them to die and kill in immoral wars.

          this probably lands differently if you’re not american, but if OP is, then even by 13 these kids live in the shadow of our weekly school shootings and have been trained to run/hide/fight. it’s sickening but this is the world we’ve brought them into so it’s best that they think about it.

        3. Roland*

          The kid one might not be very relatable but I don’t think any of these are too “intense” for older teens. The military one is actually incredibly relevant for high schoolers who are at the prime age for predatory recruiters.

        4. Evan88*

          I have 3 teenagers and none of these would be too intense for them. These are all things kids today are talking and thinking about. I thought these were good examples.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I do think these are a bit much, but tone the last one down – your best friend is doing something you know is wrong (cheating on a test, shoplifting at the mall, going through unlocked lockers at the gym?) and if they get caught you’ll get in trouble too by association. Do you rat them out, leave and let them take the risk, stick by them and take the risk yourself, put more effort into talking them out of it and risk upsetting them? Something else?

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Assuming they’re old enough to understand bills – you have enough money to pay your rent or your power bill in full, but not both. What are your options and what do you do? (Advantage: you can also sneak in here some discussion of what resources might exist for such a thing and how to look into some of those possibilities, for kids who may never have had to hear a parent doing that calculation.)

          You see a person going by you on the street pull their phone out of their pocket or bag to take a call and cash falls out when they do so. They are distracted by their phone and don’t notice. What do you do if it’s a $1 bill? A $20 bill? A $100 bill? Does that change if they’re wearing an expensive designer coat vs a raggy threadbare one?

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            You are heading home from work the night before payday. You don’t really have the money to stop and get fast food, but you don’t have much in your kitchen either to make yourself a proper meal – grocery shopping is on the docket for tomorrow once you get paid. What’s the best use of your few bucks to get you through dinner tonight?

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              I guess those aren’t necessarily all moral discussions, but I was aiming for grey areas :)

        2. Observer*

          but tone the last one down

          Why? This is a real world issue for many kids.

          I do think that starting with the lower stakes choices and then ratcheting it up would be very useful though. Because it helps really dig into the issue of how context makes a difference and also how the concept of “the poison makes the dose” plays into things.

          Like, many schools have “zero tolerance” policies that make carrying an advil or tylenol a major offense. How do you treat that vs illegal drugs vs the really bad stuff vs stuff that’s dangerous to others like guns vs drunk driving?

          And some of these are not just “real world” in the general sense, but stuff that they actually may have faced already, or could easily face in the next month.

    3. Abigail*

      I would take this down to the most basic example you can think of.

      I would order pizza with only 2 different types. Those are their only choices. If they don’t like the pizza they don’t eat.

      Maybe not pizza but something else very simple that involves limited choice.

      You have to meet them where they are.

      1. nnn*

        I agree that the ones above are too intense for teenagers but this is the far opposite of that. They are not going to find pizza choices a morally nuanced debate.

    4. Sitting Pretty*

      I’m thinking of something involving cheating (on a test, game. or election, not in a relationship!) Like say your good friend is running for SGA president. You find out your friend has a way of throwing the results in her favor. The person she’s running against is a well-known school bully but also popular. So he’s likely to win if she doesn’t cheat, but the cheating feels really wrong. She won’t budge on it. Do you tell someone or not?

    5. I don’t post often*

      What about: you need to make more money. Work has offered you a promotion. While you would work the same amount of hours, you will be working second shift, cutting your time with your family by 3/4ths. Take the job or not? Add in assume the person has been looking for a job for a year.

    6. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      You get a scholarship to local middling State College or get into dream Ivy but you’ll be in $200,000 of debt after.

      1. Ginger Cat Lady*

        I wouldn’t say this is an example of “no great option” but maybe an example of having to choose between two good-ish options, both with potential concerns.

    7. Hyaline*

      You have time to either study for a test—and if you don’t you will not pass the class—or help a friend who calls you asking to be picked up from a party where they feel uncomfortable. Technically they could call someone else; they might not, but either way they’re mad at you.

      1. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

        This leads to one that has happened near me:
        You do not have a driver’s license and all of the adults you know are not home/reachable. Your sister/friend calls because she feels unsafe at a party. Do you drive and go get your sister? Do you call the cops, knowing your sister will be busted for underage drinking?

    8. OmNom*

      Thank yo all so much. These are great. And I don’t think almost any of them are too intense for fifteen-sixteen year olds. These kids live in the real world, they know what’s going on, and they think about whether we speak to them or don’t…

    9. OmNom*

      Thank you all so much. These are great. And I don’t think almost any of them are too intense for fifteen-sixteen year olds. These kids live in the real world, they know what’s going on, and they think about whether we speak to them or don’t…

    10. Bike Walk Barb*

      You’re saying you want to challenge them with imaginary scenarios. Before you do that with some of the more high-stakes ones I’d suggest thinking about whether these are truly imaginary for all of them and whether you’re wading into trauma territory for someone in the group. Depending on how well you know them you may think that’s not the case but maybe they actually have a friend who has talked about bringing a gun to school. Maybe a family member has been shot. Are you ready for an imaginary scenario to turn real?

      As an adult I’ve come to realize that I tended to assume all my friends had the same safe, loving home I did growing up, and how unlikely it is that this was true for all of them.

  49. Sparkly Librarian*

    Advice from those who have managed relationships internationally? I see a lot of tips out there about dating long-distance, but I’m looking more for something I can apply to the circumstances of “my spouse and children are moving to a new country and I have to stay behind for some significant amount of time until I can join them”.

    1. ghost_cat*

      I spent 3 months working on a remote island & one thing that helped us was a dedicated ‘date night’. My husband is not a cook, so I would pick a recipe, tell him the ingredients & talk him through cooking it. A colleague did something similar with her husband, except theirs was to watch the weekly drop of a tv show. Dedicated time set aside is key.

    2. Moose Javian*

      I had to live apart from my spouse and kids for 1.5 years while waiting for immigration paperwork to go through. It was tough! One thing we did that helped was a non-negotiable daily video call. At some point every day, we knew we would see each other’s faces and hear each other’s voices. Since our kids were young, it really helped them remember me. I also sent care packages and cards to them. And this may not be something everyone can do, but I had a supportive workplace that knew my situation, and I was able to take time off every 2 months or so to go visit my family in our new home. It was a really tough time, but having the next trip planned before I left them each time helped a lot.

    3. Usually Lurking*

      My kids live overseas and we use the Marco Polo app *constantly* – it’s really such a great way to stay in touch with people I love who are five hours ahead of me (and busy with lives and play dates and such). I heartily recommend! Download the app and use it for a couple weeks and you’ll wonder how you lived without it!

  50. tiasp*

    Anyone with an egg allergy or intolerance – any tips for what to avoid or good substitutes? Trying to determine if eggs are the source of my son’s digestive issues (have tried eliminating dairy and eliminating gluten and neither of those made a difference).

    1. Cat and dog fosterer*

      When my sibling was vegan I would substitute with bananas in baking! At his suggestion. I thought it was strange, yet it worked. Other than that I would make things that don’t need eggs, for example there’s no way to substitute for omelettes.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        You can also substitute with those little plastic cups of applesauce in baking if you don’t have bananas. One little plastic cup of applesauce = one egg. It works pretty well in things like, for example, Jiffy corn muffins.

    2. Bluebell Brenham*

      a lot of people recommend aquafaba as a good egg substitute. It’s the liquid you get after you cook chickpeas. I’ve actually used it in vegan cocktails and it makes a nice foam in that, so I’m guessing you won’t want to serve that to your son :) but I think you can bake with it?

    3. Shiny Penny*

      Your poor kiddo! I can relate to the food allergy/intolerance thing, tho not specifically eggs.
      I did recently find a long list of substitutes you can use instead of eggs as a binder when making meatloaf. I ended up using mayonnaise and olive oil, just because I never have eggs on hand. (It worked and tasted great!) The list of egg subs on the internet was surprisingly long.

        1. Katie A*

          There are many brands of vegan mayo that don’t. Idk if they would work in meatloaf since I avoid eating animals or animal products, but vegan mayo works in place of mayo in many other instances.

          Just Mayo is my favorite, but Veganaise is more readily available and also good. There are some brands that are shelf stable that could be ordered online if necessary.

    4. Six Feldspar*

      If you google recipes using besan/chickpea flour you should find options for scrambles, frittatas etc – it behaves similar to eggs in those kind of dishes but I wouldn’t use it as a swap for eggs in baking.

    5. random vegan*

      Not allergic/intolerant, but vegan, so I know substitutes. For cooking (e.g. scrambled eggs that aren’t eggs), there’s storebought egg replacers (I think Just Egg is one?) or tofu scramble. For baking, there are toooons of egg substitutes – so many it’s almost unhelpful because there are too many different options. One piece of advice I’ve heard is to try to figure out what the egg(s) are supposed to be doing in the original recipe. Is it just for moisture? In that case, applesauce, mashed banana, pumpkin puree, etc. may be good (although banana and pumpkin especially add some flavour). Is it for binding? In that case, a flax or chia egg (i.e., 1 Tbsp chia seeds or ground flax seeds + 2 or 3 Tbsp water, whisked together and left to sit for a few minutes) may work better.

      For recipes I liked before I went vegan, I’ve used applesauce to replace eggs in muffins, and flax eggs as a substitute in cookies – both worked well. But now when I’m looking up a new recipe, I usually just start from a vegan recipe in the first place so that someone better at baking/chemistry than me will have already figured it out and tested it. Especially if there’s more than 1-2 eggs in the original recipe, I find it’s more reliable to find a new egg-less recipe than to try to figure out a substitution.

    6. Enough*

      If eggs turn out to not be an issue look at Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Reduce added sugars to start with. But if this has been going on for a while it is probably time for the doctor.

  51. Manders*

    I started taking spin classes about 3 months ago, and last weekend I bought a pair of spin shoes. I’ve taken 2 classes with them on, and both times I’ve noticed – A LOT – the muscles around my knees while I’m riding. And the day after I’ve been really sore in both my quads and hamstrings. I’m not sure whether I’m just using my muscles in a different way and therefore I’m just getting a better workout, or if it’s indicating that there’s something wrong with my position on my bike or the position of the clips. Is there a way to tell?

    2. Angstrom*

      The standard starting position is the have the ball of your foot over the pedal axle. Standing should be comfortable. If the cleats are too far forward your calves will do a lot of extra work.
      Before you got those shoes, what was your foot placement on the pedal? Was it with the ball of your foot or more towards the instep?
      Do the cleats allow float(lateral motion)?
      Are you standing more?
      It could be that you’re working harder because you’re not worried about your feet slipping off the pedals.

      1. Mutually supportive*

        Echo all that Angstrom had said, and I’ll add that changing your shoes may mean that you need to adjust your saddle height.

        1. Manders*

          Yeah, my instructor is going to have me change seat height/move it forward a bit more. I definitely don’t have any lateral motion in the shoes – but I did when I was just wearing regular athletic shoes in the baskets. No difference in how much I stand in each class, and the quad muscle around my knee is more noticeable when seated.

    3. Double A*

      I don’t know anything about spin, but if it’s the same as regular bike shoes I think it means you’re able to pull up as well as push down so that works your quads more and your knees in a different way.

      Definitely talk to your instructor but it could also just be adjusting to using different muscles. Like even when I got insoles in my running shoes my feet hurt for a few days since slightly different muscles were activated

  52. Morning Reader*

    Retirement planning for the end stage of life question. I’m happy in my current little home in my little town where I have friends and things I enjoy doing. My long term plan is to move closer to my adult child’s home, which is on the big island of Hawaii, when I get to the “frail elderly” stage, which I predict to be about 10-15 years from now.
    But lately, I’ve been thinking, if things go south where I am, I might do it sooner. Thinking about moving there, it’s beautiful but it’s an island, I worry that I’d be isolated and unhappy, without connections other than my kid and their family. So, maybe it would be better to go sooner, while I’m still spry and active and I can find new friends and activities.
    What’s the sweet spot for a late in life move? Anyone with experience, or a plan, care to share yours?
    Maybe one day we could have a retirement thread here. Give all you working stiffs something to look forward to,

    1. The Ramones*

      Just my two cents: like so many things in life, better too early than too late. What does your adult child think? Are they planning on remaining there? So much could change in the next 10-15 years, a local backup might be a good idea. My mom had been talking for years about this local, upscale senior housing development. It includes skilled nursing care, should she need it, dementia care should she need it, and me and my siblings are so grateful she planned ahead (and can afford it!). Even if my siblings move eventually, I have no plans to. In the meantime, she’s young enough to take advantage of everything they offer (there’s so much) and meet the other residents, and I think she’s very happy to spend her remaining time there. But of course, everyone’s situation is different, but having plans for various possible scenarios keeps most of the decisions with you.

    2. noname today*

      Most of the research I’ve done says to move while you’re spry enough—and courageous enough—to go out and about on your own. And to also “date” the area where you’d like to move to first for a while before committing to a full -out move.

      Can you go and spend some time there 2-3 times a year? Or do a regular (same set of months) annual visit for 2-3 months at a time? That way you’ll get to know the area—and the folks in the area—while you’re still active and up for exploring.

    3. Bike Walk Barb*

      I’m still in my working years–retirement in the next 10 years?–and four years ago we moved to a town that has the attributes we want for retirement and into a home we can age successfully in. This includes easy access to transit and services within a reasonable biking distance so when we give up driving we don’t give up our transportation independence.

      I planned for this specifically so we could build social capital–friends, connections, activities, favorite restaurants–the things we’ve loved about other places we’ve lived so it becomes our hometown. I wanted to do this long before we hit retirement so we’d feel connected to a place that’s our home, not a place we moved to at a point in life when we’d feel isolated and possibly frail.

      I’d vote for moving early, but if there’s a chance your children might not stay there that would change the equation, especially since Hawaii is so expensive. Talk with them.

      We’re not in a town any of our children live in; we have four and there’s no guarantee any of them is living where they’ll be when we really do need someone checking up on us once in a while. That’s what those friends are for. (Make sure you make friends with people younger than yourself.)

  53. MozartBookNerd*

    “We Rate Dogs” — Any other fans? It’s utterly charming for dog-lovers including me, but I’m stumped on how to find most of its material!

    The problem is that I don’t and won’t have a Facebook account, so most of their Facebook page is hidden from me, so far as I can tell. And I found a YouTube channel for them (will add it in a Comment), but that page seems to be just a weekly round-up, instead of the day-by-day celebrations that I’m pretty sure they give.

    Grateful for any leads on how to get more of their doggo joy . . . .

    3. StrayMom*

      Definitely on Instagram, but you can also go to their website and sign up for email notifications. They also send an annual compilation video.

      And also, speaking of the bestest boys, RIP Ben Herbstreit…

    4. ThatGirl*

      They have Instagram, TikTok and the YT channel which tends to have longer stuff on it. You can also get a weekly dog by email.

  54. Falling Diphthong*

    Might be late, but hope this gets some replies: What is a late arriving interest for you, that you decided to develop and learn more about?

    My current one is chemistry, which I haven’t taken since high school. You could have a deep understanding of quarks, and they would tell you nothing useful about “How could I make soap?” or “How could I leach the toxins out of this so I could safely eat it?” And I’ve realized that my instinctive “Meh, chemistry” reaction was leading me to hop over a lot of things that I am now curious about and want to understand better.

    I think for a lot of people it’s history. A frequent reread for me is Sarah Vowell’s Assassination Vacation, which illustrates that if you put all the weirdness and pettiness and sex scandals back in, history suddenly looks like the hot goss of its origins, rather than the recitation of dates it can become in our foggy memories of high school.

    1. Harlowe*

      I hated chemistry in HS/college, but had to delve back into it in order to heal my complexion issues that cropped up in my thirties. Dermatologists just throw spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks (med after med after med, side effects and long-term consequences be damned). It took time, meticulous record-keeping, and single-variable changes to figure out what was actually causing my problems.

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I got into birdwatching for a while there. It feels kind of cool to pay more attention to the environment around me.

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        The Merlin app definitely made me more interested in birds. Over the past year I’ve become more interested in native gardening too.

    3. Alex*

      I’m 43 and just got into ballet.

      I’d never been interested in it before but I suddenly just…really wanted to learn it!

    4. GoryDetails*

      I love Assassination Vacation! (Though as I was a fan of graveyards and “gory details” and history before I read it, it didn’t tempt me into topics I hadn’t already explored.)

      I do find that dipping into almost any new skill or area of knowledge has its rewards, even if it turns out not to be a good fit for me. In recent years these new skills tend to be culinary: trying to preserve lemons because I read about them in a food-writer’s book, making unusual-flavored gins or syrups because a local cocktail-recipe columnist has a quirky style that makes me want to taste everything he writes about, etc.

      I would like to take a class in blacksmithing, just to *feel* the process of manipulating very hot metal; I’ve seen it done, on screen and in person, but that’s not the same thing. Would I want to do it at length? Well, no – for one thing, I expect one bout of serious hammering would make my shoulder sore for weeks. But I’d still like to try it at least once!

      Side note: I recently read Posted in the Past by Helen Baggott, in which the author acquired a new hobby: attempting to track down genealogical records of people whose vintage postcards had turned up in thrift stores or antique shops. The book shows the actual cards, transcribes the text, and follows the author’s attempts to identify the people named – and, in some cases, to communicate with living descendants. I’ve often glanced at those old postcards but had never been tempted to do deep-dive research on them!

    5. Unkempt Flatware*

      I was forced to play sports as a child and adolescent. I hated every second of it yet the abuse complicated and clouded the way I felt about sports for years after I had disconnected from playing them. I still pretended to care about athletic competition until very recently when I finally discovered I can like whatever the hell I want. So that’s a long way to say that unfortunately I don’t know what I like to do because I didn’t get the chance to explore anything. What I do know is that I LOVE to sing and act. I wish I could afford local acting classes because I live in a city with a prominent acting community. I should probably do more karaoke.

    6. Might Be Spam*

      I got into folk dance at the age of 62 and it’s been great. I always thought I was a klutz, but not anymore. I started with Colonial, which led to International, which led to Contra, Israeli, Irish set dance, and Hawaiian.
      During lockdown a lot of groups went online which helped keep me sane and kept my weight down. It’s also given me travel opportunities for dance festivals and historical reenactments. I mostly do Colonial, Irish and Hawaiian right now.
      If you have joint problems, Colonial and English country dance are pretty easy on your joints. I’m not the only one who has danced wearing an orthopedic boot after tearing ligaments doing something else. We like to say “If you can count to 8 and walk at the same time, come dance with us!”

      1. Angstrom*

        The caller at the local contra last night said the same thing at the intro sesssion: “Smile, give weight, count to eight” :-)
        Contra and similar dances are great if you want the pleasure of moving to music with people without having to learn footwork.

        1. Might Be Spam*

          Colonial and English country are a bit slower than contra, but have similar moves, so they’re easier on your joints. We have an 89 year old who still dances with us.

    7. Angstrom*

      Learning a musical instrument. It was painfully slow compared to how fast kids learn, but a great way to learn about how music works: “A third? A third of what?”

    8. Tech Industry Refugee*

      Everything with the human body. I now love kinesiology, anything medical, etc.

      Too bad I was an undiagnosed ADHD kid, I could have done so many things…

  55. acmx*

    Suggestions for removing water stains from a glasstop stove? I’ve tried Soft Scrub, CLR, vinegar, and removed a bit with a razor blade.

    2. fhqwhgads*

      I know you said you tried vinegar, but was it straight vinegar? Make a paste with vinegar and baking soda if you haven’t already.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        Vinegar + baking soda = salty water, so this is not going to work.

        (I see this suggestion all the time, and now I realize why everyone should take chemistry in high school.)

        If it’s a water stain that is actually lime from hard water and vinegar didn’t take care of it, then you need a stronger acid. Pour a little water over it (enough to cover the stain) and add about 1/4 tsp citric acid powder to it and allow it to sit for an hour or so. It should do the trick.

        (By the way, this is a great way to get your stainless steel pots back to like-new condition if you have hard water. The citric acid both gets rid of the lime build up and passivates the stainless steel.)

        If it’s not lime, then put a little oil on it and add salt and try rubbing it out. The salt is a gentle abrasive, but it won’t dissolve in the oil like it does in water. All you need to do afterward is clean off the oil with a mild soap.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          It’s not salt water if it’s a paste, in other words WAY more baking soda than vinegar. The point is the texture gets it off. I do understand that acid+base=neutral.
          But thanks for being extremely condescending to someone who took AP chem.

          1. Maybe you need to retake the class*

            Well, if it’s just for “texture” you don’t need the vinegar, so just use water. Lots of baking soda plus small amount of vinegar just makes damp salt. When people recommend vinegar plus baking soda, the implication is that there is a chemical effect not just a scouring one.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Weiman makes a stovetop cleaner that I used religiously when I had a glasstop stove. They sell it in a kit with a scrubber and a razor that has a handle. Wet a little, apply cleaner, scrub with scrubber, buff with a paper towel. Any gunk gets removed with the razor. Never failed me.

  56. Bluebell Brenham*

    Another stove question- I definitely need to replace my stove and know that I’m not quite ready for an induction one. Any comments about an electric stove you love? Also I use my Dutch oven a lot. Would this change things?

    1. Six Feldspar*

      If you want to try out an induction stove, Ikea makes portable ones that hold one pot and plug in to the wall like any other appliance. I got mine a couple of years ago and it’s holding up fine, you can put it away if needed and it’s easy to clean.

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        I’ve been told that induction stoves can have a vibration that some people can hear, so I don’t want to take a chance. But maybe if a friend has one of those burners I’d try it.

        1. Angstrom*

          With our induction stove we can hear a slight buzz/ring when the cold pan is first heating, but not once it is up to temperature.

  57. Sarah*

    Just had to say that my kitty thoroughly enjoyed watching your video over and over, she headbutted my screen and started trying to bat at your kitty.

  58. Retirednow*

    Late to Sunday and random but…… Anyone a late model Volvo especially an S60 or S 90 sedan? Would love to hear the good the bad and the ugly.

    1. Jessica*

      i think mine is older than you have in mind but there’s lots of lock and key related weirdness and i recently had volvo mechanic tell me one thing i wanted to fix is an intentional feature. your keyfob may have not one but TWO batteries.
      overall like it though.

Comments are closed.