a truly hilarious company holiday party story, told in bullet points

by Alison Green on December 16, 2024

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

This is one of my favorite holiday stories of all time, which was relayed in 2022 by a reader who is a pure angel for sharing it with us:

I love me some bullet points, so here goes my holiday nightmare. Picture this:

* I was in my early twenties, with my first grown-up job, coinciding with my first house (rental, but it counted).

* I learned the gazillionaire owner of our company elected not to provide a holiday party.

* I decided to be a hero and open my OWN HOME to my co-workers, thereby providing cheer to all, while kissing up to management.

* I also decided to ignore the fact I had only moved into the house on December 1st, and the party needed to happen on the 15th….

* ….while purposely forgetting I had 79 coworkers, all of whom were noted to have iron-clad livers from many a Happy Hour (used car dealership, if it matters). The resources I checked swore that no more than 30% of those invited would likely show in the busy month of December, so I not only invited all 79, but their spouses and significant others. (Yes, it still hurts to admit this.) I was the youngest of the 79 employees by at least 10 years, with all the rest between 35-65 years of age.

* One co-worker (I am still ticked at her, so I will name and shame), SHEILA, decided to have mercy on me and volunteered to co-host. I happily agreed without bothering to nail down what “co-host” meant to SHEILA. At the moment the party started, she had not yet assisted in any way whatsoever.

* Since this was Minnesota in the 1990s, the “womenfolk” of the dealership agreed to provide the food and the rest was BYOB. (Mama didn’t raise no fool, my friends!) (Okay, so she did.) I slaved over my contributions, and everyone else brought chips and more salsa than Texas has ever sold in a month.

* I decorated every inch of my tiny, one-bedroom house, while also unpacking. I had beautiful lighting, Christmas music playing softly, and it even started snowing, just enough to be perfect!

* While I was smugly glowing in my Martha Stewart moment, the guests arrived…all at the same time, as if they were air-dropped by demonic forces.

* How many showed? 78. (The 79th person – the owner – had better plans. And really – didn’t we all?) Luckily, many didn’t bring their better halves, mostly because a shocking number were having affairs with each other, something no one had clued me in on.

* My co-host, SHEILA, was having an affair with our Sales Manager who showed up five minutes after she did, gifted her with raunchy lingerie, and whisked her away for the rest of the evening (but only after telling me to cover them with their respective spouses, should they call).

* None of my invitees remembered to bring glasses, but lucky me, I had already unpacked my grandmother’s vintage china, which they were able to locate all on their own, so they drank their Jack from tea cups. Very fragile teacups.

* And drink they did! When my fancy-pants appetizers ran out, and then all the chips, there was nothing left to balance the booze. Picture a tiny house filled with over 100 people, all drinking, and no food. At one point, I wandered around with a loaf of Wonderbread, gently offering toast to one and all. (Actually, just the bread itself….someone had moved the toaster off the counter to make room for the booze and it took me a week to locate it again.)

* I wasn’t even getting a true picture of how bad the scene was degrading, because 3/4 of my coworkers smoked. As it was December in MN, opening the windows wasn’t really possible, and the air took on a fog-like appearance, which I tried to convince myself was romantic.

* After a couple hours, I heard the most horrific crash, and then multiple thuds, another crash, more thuds, and so forth. Turns out, my boss’ husband decided he would “skate” downstairs to my basement, by lifting one leg in the air, and placing a large glass ashtray under the other foot. He attempted this three times (never clearing more than one step) before I gently suggested my boss should perhaps/possibly/maybe consider taking him home. This suggestion was not well received.

* By now, everyone had had their fill of Christmas music, but thankfully, a guest had the forethought to bring an Anthrax cd, among other metal music, which melded nicely with the cancer-inducing air, and the mosh pit now assembling in my living room.

* At one point, I joined my dogs in my large bedroom closet (tellingly, they had no interest in joining the party, once Johnny Mathis’ comforting carols were replaced by koЯn). I decided to remain in there with them, until my get-together was either busted by the cops or the Lord called me home. Neither happened.

* At midnight – five hours after the party began – I decided I never wanted to see any of these people again, and told them all to leave. Immediately. Over and over. I turned up all the lights, shut down the “music”, and put on old lady pajamas (I had read that trick in Good Housekeeping). Nothing worked until I rounded up all the partially full liquor bottles and heaved them out the back door, into a snow bank. I refrained from yelling, “Fetch!”

* It was then that I noticed the vibrant yellow ring in the snow all the way around my house. It was the color of a highlighter pen, forming a perfect circle. In my fatigue and smoke-dulled senses, it took a bit to notice the footprints next to the ring and I suddenly realized why I never witnessed any guy exiting my (single) bathroom. They had all decided to relieve themselves outside, bless them?

* The landscaping pee ring was my final straw. I collected myself, stormed back inside, and loudly announced that the party was over and everyone had two minutes to exit. Jackets would be collected and dispersed at work on Monday. GET. OUT.

* (I should note that sending people away after seeing them get so inebriated was not a good move on my part, and I would never be party to that today. But as I was the youngest person on staff, and naive, and totally without hope they were ever going to leave, please forgive.)

* After everyone left, around 12:30, I started cleaning. I finished just shy of 9 am, and had to twice run to the store for more cleaning supplies. Someone had sex in my bed, broken beer bottles on my floor, torn drapes, unplugged my fridge (I heard they wanted to get it colder, faster), vomited in various places that my dogs found first, etc. It was a crime scene, and I knew all the suspects.

* The following Monday, I received much appreciation from all, none of whom appeared to remember how I literally lost my cool and threw them out. The gazillionaire owner shook my hand, thanked me for my team spirit, and handed me $20.

* And the pee ring? I had forgotten about it that night and went to bed once I was done cleaning. My landlord stopped by that afternoon, to tell me he was back from vacation (he lived next door, and I was watching his house); he saw the urine and uncomfortably asked me if I was having issues with the plumbing. I ignored the insult that he thought I might squat and pee outdoors in a perfect ribbon like a lunatic, and since I was not allowed to have parties, I told him my dogs evidently were marking their territory and I would speak to them.

* I remained at the dealership for three additional years, and was begged to host the holiday party each season. I finally said I would if koЯn agreed to play the event live. I figured it would be the only way I could top the first (and last) “Stella70’s Holiday Extravaganza.” (And yes, that is actually what I had called it. Cringe.)

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{ 58 comments… read them below or add one }

    1. Hlao-roo*

      Also, story 9. The car dealership from the “the poorly kept secret, the all-staff email, and other stories of affair drama at work” post on August 29, 2024 stars Phil, who is the Sales Manager having an affair with SHEILA in this story.

      Reply ↓
      2. Stella70*

        Glenn actually was his name. I had completely forgotten that I had named and shamed him with the holiday story, and showed mercy by switching it to Phil. Oops.

        Reply ↓
  3. Funny Cide*

    Incredible stuff. We hosted our first holiday party a few years ago after having been frequent party hosts in college…somehow, true grown adults are worse.

    Reply ↓
    1. Lana Kane*

      One true grown adult broke 3 of my wine glasses in one evening. I wasn’t aware till the 2nd, which I thought was the first, or else I wouldn’t have given her the third one.

      Reply ↓
  5. Lorna*

    Each and every story I read from Stella70 makes me happy, laugh like an imbecile, grin and cringe at the same time. Stella, you’re amazing and you should pretty please write 10 books minimum! x

    Reply ↓
  7. Czhorat*

    This, “I will confront you by Wednesday” and the guy with the magic tricks and the piano are SUCH delightful holiday traditions.

    I needed a moment of levity this week; thank you Alison and AAM community for sharing one.

    Reply ↓
  8. ChemistryChick*

    SHEILAAAAAAAAAAAAA

    I love this story more every year. Thank you, Stella70, for sharing it with us. You are an AAM Legend.

    Reply ↓
  9. RCB*

    Watching Love Actually
    Watching White Christmas
    re-watching The West Wing Christmas Episodes
    re-reading this story

    It’s not officially Christmas until I’ve done all of these things.

    Reply ↓
  12. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

    Stella70: You are a very gifted comic writer and I love reading events from your crazy life :)

    Reply ↓
  14. UpstateDownstate*

    I truly hate holiday parties – organizing them, hosting them, and attending them.
    I wish companies would just allow employees to enjoy the time off without the annoyance of having to attend one of these. Maybe I feel this way because I’m 1,000 years old and just want to be in my pajamas already napping by the Xmas tree LOL!!!!

    This story makes my day every time I read it.

    Reply ↓
  15. Stella70*

    I am so thrilled and honored that Alison posted this again. It completely and totally made my holiday season. I have had a very rough year – including losing three family members in the last five months – so I am not looking foward to the holidays much. Knowing that I made some of you smile brings such peace to me, I can’t even describe it.

    The first time this ran, I had quite a few questions to answer, and this is what I wrote:

    * My grandmother’s vintage China teacups lived to see more Christmases, mostly because I developed kleptomania that night, swiping them from the hands of my boozing coworkers every chance I had. One co-worker asked me to hold her cup while she used the bathroom; when she returned, both the cup and I had disappeared. I told our burly body shop manager (who was spinning his cup around his little finger) that his shoe was untied and kindly offered to hold his cup; when he stood up, the cup was gone, but one of my breasts had suddenly become quite misshapen (the fact I forgot it was stuffed it in my bra and not a single person noticed was highly insulting).
    * I found my toaster in the drawer of a bookcase in my living room, but not sure I would have, if my dogs hadn’t been obsessively sniffing around it. Little Sherlocks…
    * SHEILA never apologized for misunderstanding the concept of co-hosting, but I felt she punished herself enough by sleeping with GLENN (two N’s, please – I should have named and shamed him, too). Her marriage didn’t last, his did.
    * Yes, I did clean the house until morning. Confession: I weirdly love to clean and to have my house go from a Lifetime holiday movie set (at the corner of Impoverished and Hovel) to a crime scene and then back to cozy in 15 hours took some epic cleaning skills. (And far more than $20 – damn you, Melvin!)
    * Yes, I did speak to my dogs, but not about the pee ring. I begged their forgiveness, and vowed if I was ever that dumb again, we would swap their Alpo for my dinner for a whole month. (One year to the day later, I intercepted their “2nd Annual Stella70’s Holiday Extravaganza” invites, moments before they sent them out. Little jerks…)

    Reply ↓
    3. Spaypets*

      I am really sorry to hear about your losses. Please try to publish this story. It just needs a little fleshing out (you really need to include the part about the tea cups in your bra). It’s so cinematic, I can picture it all.

      Reply ↓
    4. Meaningful hats*

      I am so sorry for your losses and am wishing you a new year filled with the kind of laughter and levity that your story brings me every time I read it. Thank you for sharing your writing with us.

      Reply ↓
    6. CheesePlease*

      I’m sorry for your loss – I am so glad that this little slice of internet brings you peace. May the new year bring better things for you!

      Reply ↓
    7. China aficionado*

      I’m so sorry you’ve had a rough year. You had me cackling at my desk as you described swiping all your grandma’s china back. I’m actually not sure I’ve ever laughed that hard at work.

      Reply ↓
    8. Keeley Jone, The Independent Woman*

      Having worked at a used car dealership in WI many years ago, this story always tracked with me.

      I’m so sorry it has been a hard year for you. I hope knowing how much joy your storytelling brings to us provides some comfort.

      Reply ↓
    9. ThursdaysGeek*

      Glenn and Phil were different people? Or different names for the same person?

      I too am sorry for your loss, and hope that the joy of your writing that you have given us over the years, brings you some comfort. Let us know when Amazon has a link to your someday book, because a lot of us would buy it.

      Reply ↓
      2. Stella70*

        MigraineMouth (below) is correct. His real name is Glenn. When I later wrote the dealership story, I showed a bit of mercy and changed his name, forgetting I had already “outed” him. :(

        Reply ↓
    10. Seriously?*

      I feel like you should turn this into a script for a made for tv Christmas holiday movie, end credit would be you stopping round 2 the following year.

      Reply ↓
      1. RVA Cat*

        Oh this would make a great Christmas comedy! We need a 21st century classic to go with the “oh FUDGE!” and “sh*tt*r was full!”

        Reply ↓
    11. MigraineMonth*

      I’m so sorry to hear of your recent losses. Please know that you have brought joy and laughter so many internet strangers, and may you have a holiday season of peace and healing.

      Reply ↓
    13. Toast Sounds Good!*

      You are a champion story-teller, and I would read anything you have to say. I’m so terribly sorry about your losses this year. Lean on any and every little thing that makes you happy this season. I hope 2025 is kinder to you! ::raising a half-filled bottle of booze I found in a snowbank::

      Reply ↓
    14. Aisling*

      I’m sorry to hear about your losses and rough year. I do hope it helps that you have delighted an entire section of the internet with your wit and storytelling skills. I wish you peace and calm for the new year – and lots more storytelling!

      Reply ↓
  21. Kindred Spirit*

    I have read this story several times over the years, and it is truly one of my favorites. I wish there AAM had a like button so I could “like” this post times 1000.

    Reply ↓
  22. Colorado*

    This is always an awesome re-read. My other favorite is the date with the school teacher who insisted on performing his magic and playing the piano

    Reply ↓
  23. Coverage Associate*

    I don’t think we had such good attendance at our paid for, office hours party last week. Only if you count remote workers who came in special for the party against locals who missed it.

    And calling taxis or Ubers for coworkers when there’s no clear reimbursement coming is tough. Workplaces have gotten better about reimbursement for rides home whenever there has been work related alcohol. But not all of them have, and the insurance claims end up on my desk and are very sad all around.

    Reply ↓
  24. MassMatt*

    Awesome re-read.

    This:

    * By now, everyone had had their fill of Christmas music, but thankfully, a guest had the forethought to bring an Anthrax cd

    …Absolutely destroyed me!

    Reply ↓

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