employee might give me drugs for Christmas, the office couple decided to swap jobs, and more

by Alison Green on December 23, 2024

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. My employee might give me drugs for Christmas

I’m a manager of a the warehouse team at our company and earlier today a member of the sales team who reports to me and who I have a good rapport with asked me if I smoke pot. It’s legal here and I admitted that I have in the past, and the sales rep immediately said, “Great, I wasn’t sure what to get you for Christmas.” If this employee gives me pot, should I accept or is there a polite way to decline this offer? I don’t smoke anymore but I don’t want to appear ungrateful and I certainly don’t want to ask for a different present.

If you’re in the U.S., marijuana is still illegal under federal law, even if it’s legal in your state … and you shouldn’t accept gifts from employees that either or both of you could go to jail for. That’s not about being ungrateful — it’s about the fact that as a manager you can’t condone or appear to condone breaking the law at work.

Hopefully your employee has better judgment than to really give you Christmas weed, but if they do, you can reply, “I can’t accept this and really need to pretend it didn’t happen.” And if they’re bringing it on to company property, that’s a whole additional issue — enough of one that you might be wise to head it off before then with something like, “I’m guessing that was a joke earlier — but if it wasn’t, definitely don’t give that to me or any coworkers here.”

– 2019

2. Sharing an office when people are fasting

I am the supervisor of a team of four (counting myself). I have been a member of this team for 10 years, while the other three have only been here one to four years. The four of us share a tiny office that’s really not meant for more than two people, so we are pretty much all up in each other’s personal space all day, but we’ve developed a pretty great working relationship.

All three of my teammates are Muslim and take their religion seriously. It is currently Ramadan, meaning they are all fasting from sunrise to sunset. I always try to be very respectful of this, and try not to eat or drink anything in our shared office, but as a regular water drinker, it’s difficult. I’ve gotten in the habit of going to the water cooler every so often and chugging a plastic cup of water because I feel as though I can’t keep my usual bottle of water on my desk during the day. I also always eat lunch at my desk, at the same time every day, and they all know this, but I feel like it’s unfair for me to do so when they are fasting, even though they’ve said it doesn’t bother them.

Everyone in our office suite uses a conference room to have lunch together at noon each day, and I cover the receptionist during this time. I always take lunch when she comes back at 12:30, but the conference rooms are in use then which is why I eat at my desk. The only other option would be to eat outside (which isn’t doable in bad weather) or to go the campus cafeteria, which results in my spending most of the half hour break just looking for a place to sit. I guess I’m just wondering am I going too far out of my way? I’m trying to be respectful of the fact that they can’t eat or drink anything during the day during this holy time, but at what point can I say it’s my office too and not feel guilty about having a cup of coffee and my peanut butter and jelly sandwich at my desk?

You are being really thoughtful and considerate here, but I think you’re probably taking it too far. I agree that if you can easily avoid eating in front of people who are fasting, that’s a kind thing to do, but I definitely don’t think you need to take it as far as not drinking anything at your own desk — and if they’re assuring you that food is fine too, it’s okay to take them at their word. It sounds like you’ve made it very clear to them that you want to be thoughtful and accommodating — which is lovely — and you have good relationships with each other, so I think you’re safe assuming that they mean it when they tell you it’s fine! I still would probably not spread out a whole buffet of exotic fruits and fancy cheeses and cakes across your desk, but it sounds fine to eat a PB&J in the same space as them.

– 2018

3. Our annual evaluations want to rate our “boldness”

I’ve worked for company for five years. Each year they change the annual evaluation procedure, usually adding questions about goals we never set or new objectives or values we’ve never discussed before. Here are some of the ways I’ve been asked to evaluate myself this year:

“You stand tall in the face of adversity, are willing to voice an opinion and are firm in upholding company values. Rate how you have achieved your accomplishments by being bold.”

The other questions ask me to rate how I achieved my accomplishments by being innovative, collaborative, ethical, and disciplined. While none of these are bad goals, how am I supposed to describe the same accomplishments over and over from these different goal posts?

But “bold”? What does this even mean?! I’ve asked our HR rep, who kinda shrugged and said just go with it. What sort of response are they expecting? How on earth is this supposed to determine my value to the company? Are these sort of inane questions worth anything to anyone?

Is “boldness” by chance one of your company’s professed core values? It’s not uncommon for companies to assess people on how they match up with the company’s values — but “bold” is one that really needs more definition and discussion. And if the values are all like the ones you named, I’d rather see broader instructions like “in discussing your achievements, feel free to highlight ways in which you’ve especially lived our values of XYZ.” And really, evaluations should be primarily focused on the extent to which you achieved you goals. If you were unethical, undisciplined, or too cautious in pursuing them, we’re going to talk about that, but there’s not a ton of pay-off in forcing everyone to write about how ethics or discipline or boldness helped them hit their targets. (And the fact that your HR person didn’t have a real answer for you is evidence of that.)

In any case, you don’t need to use different accomplishments for each of these questions. You can use the same accomplishments and talk about different aspects of them (for example, if you’re talking about project X, you can talk about the specific ways you collaborated on it in response to the question about collaboration, the discipline you brought to it in response to the question about discipline, and so forth). Don’t use a single accomplishment for everything, but it’s okay if your answers overlap.

– 2019

4. The “office couple” decided to swap jobs

My office has about 30 employees. We have five salaried staff and the rest of us are hourly without guaranteed hours. When I started a year ago, I noticed that a member of the admin/salaried staff and another employee were oddly close and always hovering around each other. I was not surprised when I found out they are a couple, living together, and had met through work. Six months ago, she got promoted to a salaried position. Previously, those two positions worked together occasionally, but not closely by any means. When she took over the position, the couple started working together even more closely and he was actively helping with her job responsibilities. From my viewpoint, she was struggling a bit with absorbing the responsibilities of her new position, but I can’t be certain of that.

Well, today at our staff meeting, this couple announced they would be switching positions. They both said they liked the other person’s position better and thought it would be best to switch. The positions are equal in seniority, but one is clearly easier/less stressful than the other. The head of our office had approved the switch.

Am I crazy to think this is not appropriate? Something about the whole thing just feels really off, especially if she had trouble keeping up with her original promoted position.

If they really just decided on their own to swap jobs, that is indeed bizarre and, yes, not appropriate. That’s not normally the kind of thing you get to just decide on your own!

But I suspect there’s a decent chance that their explanation was a face-saving one — and that in fact your coworker might have been demoted (particularly if you’re right that she was struggling with the job) and that her partner got moved into the position. “We both liked the other person’s job and decided to switch” might just be the spin they’re putting on it.

Or who knows, maybe not. Maybe they hatched this plan themselves and got it approved. If that’s the case, it’s possible that they were each such a perfect fit for the other person’s job that it this isn’t as weird as it sounds on the surface. But if not, and instead your office just okayed it on a whim, then that’s an awfully unrigorous way to make major management decisions.

– 2018

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{ 16 comments }

{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. EatVsDrink*

    As someone who periodically fasts, drinking water is a different beast entirely than eating. I definitely would be comfortable drinking, especially water. I would be upset if I had to watch others eating in my office space while fasting. If these folks say they’re okay with it then I’d go ahead, but I find it odd and definitely be aware many others won’t be.

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    1. Artemesia*

      Of course one should avoid eating in front of people on a religious fast BUT if there is literally no place else t sit and eat then lunch takes precedence over this courtesy. I think the OP should eat in the conference room or wherever if possible but needs to tell office mates ‘I hate to eat during Ramadan here in the office, but sometimes there is literally no place in the building I can sit and eat and I apologize for when that happens.’

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    2. HiddenT*

      Are you also a Muslim who fasts during Ramadan? I ask because my understanding (as someone who isn’t Muslim) is that it’s not the same as fasting for dietary reasons.

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    3. allathian*

      Mmm yeah. I prefer not eating lunch at my desk if there are other options, but there’s absolutely no way I’d not continue drinking water at my desk. I need to eat something every three to four hours for medical reasons, so I’m not fasting, and I’d honestly find it an imposition to change my ways to accommodate those who do. I wouldn’t be obnoxious about it or ask the questions people who fast get all the time (how can you work all day without eating or drinking?) but I also wouldn’t change anything about how I do things to support those who are fasting. Especially not in the LW’s place, given that they’ve said they don’t mind the water.

      A new coworker has severe allergies and never eats anything cooked by anyone else, so she doesn’t eat at work. When she told me, all I said was “oh, okay” and that was that. She told me when I invited her to lunch.

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      1. Elsa*

        I think that not asking obnoxious questions but also not changing your eating habits is the right approach. I’m not Muslim but my religion also has fasts, so I sometimes observe religious fasts at work, and that is definitely what I want from coworkers. Those who feel bad eating in front of religious faster should consider two things:
        1. We see people eating while we are fasting all the time. If we are parents of small children, we prepare and serve food to them while fasting. If we say we don’t mind seeing you eat, please believe us.
        2. The main thing we want as religious people in the workplace is to be seen as normal people. The last thing we want is people tiptoeing around us and making us feel like our very existence in the office is placing limitations on them.

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    4. Who Plays Backgammon?*

      if fasting is part of someone’s religious observance, fine, but i’m sure they’re aware that other people around them might not follow the same practices. people need their meals/nutrition and shouldn’t feel bad or guilty about having them. this is a workplace, not a house of worship.

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    5. Despachito*

      If anyone fasts for whatever reason, it is THEIR problem to deal with seeing other people eat. No one should be forced to not eat in front of them or even feel guilty for that.

      It is definitely very considerate from the OP to want to spare their coworkers’ feelings as much as possible, bur the coworkers are reacting in the only possible reasonable way. It is OK to be internally upset because my coworker has something I can’t have but it is up to me to deal with it, and I absolutely can’t make it the coworker’s problem.

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  2. linger*

    OP4 [spouse job swap] commented in the original thread (in which they were “OP1”) to give some further details:

    Thank you for the feedback! Honestly, based off the way it was presented and the mannerisms from the office head, I am fairly certain it was the couple’s idea. Both positions have a director title and salary, and it was not a demotion. I am still peeved by the situation, because I feel their relationship likely gave them a work advantage with this specific decision.
    However, for my sanity, I’m going to let that all go and assume this was a face-saving move (as you suggested). I had not considered that explanation before and you very well might be right.

    And in a separate comment:

    I found this bothersome [because the] position would be of interest to others in the office. The situation makes me worry about fairness in promotion opportunities. And again, these two positions never worked this close before and don’t need to, so their “unit” approach is awkward and sometimes makes it confusing for me to know who to report to.

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  3. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

    OP4 (couple job swap) – I wonder if she is succeeding in the new role where she was struggling in the old one. OP mentions that the new role is “clearly” harder and more stressful although they are the same seniority… but really, hard and stressful are subjective to the individual person. I would find a role where I had to concentrate on detail and follow written procedures to the letter for 8 hours a day much harder than a role responding to unexpected incidents and emergencies. Someone else might be stressed out by that “unpredictable” factor.

    If they weren’t a couple (or had another close relationship like bffs) presumably they wouldn’t have discussed this, and her boss would have noticed (or she’d have brought up) that she was struggling, and perhaps this role swap would have been the outcome anyway? I do think there’s an element of the other person “covering” for her incompetence here, which (as the answer says) suggests decisions aren’t being made on an objective basis. Did he actually prefer that role or was it to ensure that the other half of the “unit” wouldn’t be fired?

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  4. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

    OP2 (lunch while others are fasting) – they’ve said it’s OK and that they are not upset by OP eating lunch at desks. In this situation (because there isn’t a suitable alternative arrangement) I would take it at face value and assume they are OK with it since they said so. If they aren’t – it’s on them to use their words. If they didn’t seem to be OK with it though, I’d be bringing this up with management or HR or maybe “facilities” if you have such a thing. e.g. can reception be covered by someone else, who’s able to eat at their desk after.

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  5. Maz*

    #1: I know this is from a few years ago, but in that type of situation, talk to your colleagues. Explain that you’re trying to be respectful but you need to be able to eat and drink at your desk. They may not care, or they may have suggestions such as perhaps not eating something with a very strong smell. As someone who occasionally fasts for religious reasons (though I rarely share with others that I’m fasting — not Ramadan) I can honestly say that seeing others eating doesn’t bother me. It’s food scents that make me feel hungry. The OP doesn’t need to eat bland food, but perhaps they can avoid food with a scent that carries and/or lingers.

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  6. Who Plays Backgammon?*

    if fasting is part of someone’s religious observance, fine, but i’m sure they’re aware that people around them might not follow the same practices. people need their meals/nutrition and shouldn’t feel bad or guilty about having them. this is a workplace, not a house of worship.

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  7. Adam*

    I feel like #2 is overthinking it. I’ve worked with many Muslims and none of them were bothered by people eating and drinking around them, they understand that other people aren’t fasting. Don’t wave a sandwich in their face or schedule a team lunch during Ramadan, but feel free to eat and drink according to your normal routine.

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    1. Numbersmouse*

      > I also always eat lunch at my desk, at the same time every day, and they all know this, but I feel like it’s unfair for me to do so when they are fasting, even though they’ve said it doesn’t bother them.

      Yeah, this is bordering on virtue-signalling, tbh. Your teammates’ own words should take precedence about your pre-formed ideas about how they should feel.

      Reply ↓

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