employee’s outbursts might be hormonal, an overly friendly coworker, and more

by Alison Green on December 20, 2024

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. I think my employee’s emotional outbursts might be hormone-related

I manage a business with eight employees, which includes one supervisor, Diane, who oversees the daily operations of most of the remaining staff. One of those staff members, Kristine, is a very good employee; however, she periodically has very strong emotional reactions to work situations (and life situations, but we know to focus on the work ones).

Here’s the thing though, in reviewing my notes recently (following Kristine’s most recent outburst) I’ve realized that these emotionally charged reactions occur at a regular interval of every four weeks. Based on the notes and other information informally shared by Kristine, it seems very likely that these exaggerated behaviors are hormone/PMS-related.

While I have no intention of suggesting to Kristine that things may feel worse due to hormones/PMS, would it be completely inappropriate for me to help her supervisor make this connection too? Am I making too big a leap in my assumptions about this?

Should we address these behaviors that only happen every so often (and so predictably)? Even if I don’t say anything to Diane about it, is it inappropriate or “too soft” (I don’t want to be a pushover) of me to use a little more caution in addressing errors, requests, etc. during these times of likely increased sensitivity?

I think you can legitimately point out to Kristine or her manager that this happens at regular four-week intervals, but I wouldn’t speculate to either of them about why that might be. At most, you could say something like, “Given that this is happening at regular intervals, it might be worth talking to a doctor about whether there’s something medical going on.” But anything beyond that is too personal (and also gets into icky historical territory about women and emotions).

And don’t treat her differently during those time periods — it’s too personal, it’s speculation, and you might be wrong. (And a lot of people — everyone? — would be mortified if they learned that their boss was tip-toeing around them when they suspected they had their period! I am cringing just thinking about it.)

Most importantly, what you need from her doesn’t change regardless of the cause of her behavior: You need her to stop having disruptive emotional outbursts, and that’s true whether it’s caused by PMS, her monthly book club meeting, or anything else.

– 2016

Read an update to this letter here.

2. Should employers pay if employees need an extra seat on the plane?

I manage a few people who have large bodies. I am nearly positive that they don’t fit in a standard coach plane seat and would require two seats in order to travel — for context, I have overheard one person saying this on the phone with an airline once and another one told me in passing.

My question is, should the company foot the bill for the extra seat (or, if it’s comparable fare, an upgrade to larger seats in first class) when these employees travel for business? Is this common practice? Both are due to travel to a conference soon and I want to make sure they have the accommodations that they need. For the record, I’m hoping to get an “if you need more space, here’s what to do” policy set and just give that to everyone who travels rather than singling folks out and awkwardly inquiring about whether their body will fit in a single seat.

My opinion is that it would be unethical not to make sure they are taken care of in this regard, but I have a feeling my penny-pinching (and tiny) director will push back and probably even fat-shame. Any ideas on how I can advocate for the company to pay for everyone to have the amount of space they need? Is this as controversial as I think it might be?

It certainly shouldn’t be controversial, although we live in a society that likes to fat-shame so who knows.

But it’s not reasonable to expect people to pay for their own business travel, which is what your director would be doing if she refuses to pay the costs of transporting these employees. And that’s the way to frame it to her — “if we’re asking people to travel for business, we need to pay the full costs of that. We can’t ask people to cover the travel costs involved in business travel, or tell them they’ll need to take a financial loss in order to do their jobs.”

– 2019

3. Friendly coworker asks about my day, afternoon, and night

My coworker, Anna, is incredibly friendly, professional, and brings great energy to the office. I have zero criticisms about her: I love working with her and love her personality. The only thing I’m irked about is that she asks about my day, afternoon, and night … every. single. day! “What are you doing this weekend?” “Where did you go for lunch?” “Are you doing anything tonight?” “How was your day off?” I’m not getting a nosy vibe, just friendly. Thankfully, she doesn’t ask this all at once, but I think it’s too much! This must be her version of phatic expressions.

So far I’ve been responding with “not much, you?” or “nothing special. How about you?” Sometimes I like to be social and share whatever. Should I simply persist with being boring? I have a feeling that this will never end no matter what response I give.

I think I’m mostly annoyed that these questions force me to talk when sometimes I don’t feel like talking. I try to avoid being my own version of “Anna” by consciously asking people yes / no questions, which allows the other person to expand more if they wish. One example: “I hope you got to relax this weekend?”

I suppose I’m writing in for some validation and perhaps a perspective/mantra that would make this less difficult. Is there a way to navigate this? Am I the only one annoyed here? She’s just so lovely and friendly. I don’t want to say anything, but I’m bothered enough to write in!

Some of this is quite normal — “How was your day off?” is a pretty inoffensive question. But I can see how being asked every single day about all aspects of that day would start to feel like an awful lot. It sounds, though, like she’s a warm and friendly person and intends to connect with you and convey warmth and interest in you.

In many cases, questions like these help build warm relationships — she asks what someone is doing that night, the person says they’re seeing a movie with their partner, they talk about the movie, they talk about the partner, boom, now they’re having a more substantive conversation that builds a relationship.

In your case, it’s making you feel weirdly interrogated. That’s no surprise since you’re someone who’s deliberate about asking yes/no questions to coworkers in this context — which is pretty unusual and indicates you’re on the other end of the spectrum from Anna. So you two are just different in this way. (Although I admittedly might have a different read on Anna if you didn’t find her so lovely.)

But it’s fine to persist with vague or boring answers — “nothing much,” “just relaxed,” etc. (I enjoy saying “I am doing NOTHING” with enormous triumph like the tone other people use to announce they got Hamilton tickets. In fact, I take pleasure in bragging about doing nothing, as I feel I am doing the lord’s work by promoting lounging time.)

I don’t think there’s much you can do the being forced to talk when you don’t want to piece of this. That’s just part of working with other people — they’re going to talk to you, say social niceties, etc. I’d focus on the fact that you think Anna is great and this is more about connecting than interrogating you, and perhaps remind yourself that you’re just in different places on the Interest In Interaction scale.

– 2019

4. Should I tell people they’re supposed to cut the tack stitching off their suits?

This is low-risk question, but I was hoping you or your readers could help me address a pet peeve of mine. I live in NYC and see a lot of people, both men and women, while I commute and who I work with, who don’t cut off their “X” tacking. I even saw one person reinforce the tacking! I think this may be a nuance of professional polish that has been lost from common knowledge and I just want to help educate people. But how weird is it to go up to random strangers and be like, here let me cut this thread near your butt (kidding)! Do I try to tell people, for the betterment of fashion-kind or continue to mentally be exasperated at their ignorance? What should I say without sounding obnoxious or condescending?

Strangers: Don’t do it. It’s not your place and while some people might appreciate it, it’s going to be boundary-crossing to others.

People you work with: if you have a decent relationship with them and think they’d appreciate the heads-up, you could say, “Oh! You left the tack stitching on your suit — that little X there that’s supposed to come off after you buy it. Do you want me to cut it for you?”

But really, this is probably something you’re better off ignoring unless you’re with a close friend. It’s not really your business or your problem to solve. This isn’t in the same category as alerting someone that their fly is down or their skirt is tucked into the back of their underwear or other things people feel urgency around fixing immediately.

– 2018

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{ 27 comments }

{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. nnn*

    #4: I once saw a grandmotherly lady carry it off by asking the young woman with the tacking “Are you on your way to a job interview?” When she said yes, the grandmotherly lady explained the tacking and why it’s there, and offered her a pair of nail scissors she had in her purse.

    I’m not sure if it could be carried off without that very precise confluence of factors.

    Reply ↓
        1. Bob*

          I have a phenomenal appetite. in order to burn off the massive calorie excess I take in I exercise twice a day.

          Should my employer have to pay me a much larger food allowance because my intake is larger than all my coworkers?

          Reply ↓
          2. Varthema*

            For conferences and business trips? Maybe, if you can’t meet your caloric needs during your trip with your current budget.

            Reply ↓
          3. YetAnotherAnalyst*

            My employer just has me submit my receipts for the food I eat when travelling, and they’ll reimburse me “within reason”. They absolutely end up paying more for my omnivore food than they do for my vegetarian colleagues – but either way, it’s the cost of doing business.

            Reply ↓
          4. Meo*

            A false equivalence is a poor argument and reflects badly on your critical thinking skills. I’m sure you can do better than this.

            Reply ↓
      2. nnn*

        In this instance, an older lady, by visual assessment old enough to be the grandmother of the young lady she was advising.

        General vibe was at the intersection of kindly and harmless and loving and real talk, in a way that evoked for me how my own grandmothers would tell me the truth of the matter in a way that’s helpful and actionable while generally being supportive and nurturing, when other adults in my life would tell me comforting untruths to “preserve” my “innocence” while generally being self-absorbed and judgmental.

        Which is a lot to cram into one observation of one interaction, but that’s what I was picking up in the moment.

        Reply ↓
    2. Certaintroublemaker*

      Honestly, every store clerk selling a suit with tacking should say at point of sale, “We recommend you cut this tacking today, after transport is finished and the suit is hung.”

      Reply ↓
      1. Mongrel*

        It’s yet another example of assumed knowledge that I hate, “Oh, but everyone knows that!” with the “you must be very stupid” subtext.
        The handful of suits I’ve brought all came with a small ziploc bag with a couple of spare buttons, adding a card with “Once you’re home…” instructions would be trivial.

        Reply ↓
  2. nnn*

    The first thing that occurred to me when reading #1 is that my own period, when unregulated, does not occur every 4 weeks – my natural cycle is highly irregular, ranging anywhere from 2 weeks to 8 weeks. (And when it’s regular, my associated emotional responses aren’t nearly as strong.)

    I’m thinking if #1 felt the need to say something about the interval, it might be more useful to say “around mid-month” or “at the beginning of the month” or whatever is applicable – maybe getting enough money into their chequing account to pay rent is stressing them out?

    Reply ↓
    1. Earlk*

      I reckon in this instance pointing out the regular intervals would hold less “it’s your period” connotations than making a point about it being monthly. Because if it’s unrelated to her cycle and actually coincides with a regular therapy session, treatment or obligation they don’t enjoy then they’re more likely actually to think about it and recognise how much that is affecting their mood than to think “is she blaming this on my period?!”

      Reply ↓
    2. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

      The whole period/hormone aspect of it is irrelevant really. The underlying issue that needs to be solved is “this person is having outbursts in the office about once a month, which is far too frequent”.

      Reply ↓
      1. DEI or DIE*

        I suspect that any employer who criticized any woman for having monthly outbursts would soon become the subject of a lawsuit. Accommodating irrational outubursts is simply part and parcel of an inclusive workplace, just as a certain number of carjackings is part and parcel of an inclusive society. Get used to it, bigots.

        Reply ↓
  3. RCB*

    For #2, this is definitely correct on the paying for business expenses part, but it doesn’t address the employee discrimination part. I think it can be implied in “…to do their job…” that job is legally protected from any forms of medical discrimination. But I think it needed to be reinforced here that this is discriminatory (literally, maybe legally, I can’t remember if weight had special rules for workplace protections?) as well, which holds people back in their career advancement and all that, as well as a cost of business that employees should not have to bear.

    Reply ↓
    1. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

      The other side of this is – assuming the employer does need to pay the additional cost – does this mean that if there’s a choice of people who can go on the trip (e.g. a conference where 2 people out of a team of 5 can go) will this lead to the company giving more opportunities to the people who cost less to send (because they only need one ticket) and what are the implications of that. Company needs to tread carefully here, especially if the obesity is a disability.

      Reply ↓
  4. Rory*

    I have genuinely never heard of “tacking” before so I guess I’ve always been making this mistake. Although I can’t fathom why this would matter to anyone else in the slightest.

    Reply ↓
      1. duinath*

        Or not cutting open the flaps on the back of your coat, I suppose.

        In related news, I bought a blazer recently, and now I am paranoid. I must investigate.

        Reply ↓
  5. CityMouse*

    The one thing I wonder about is how best to set the airline policy. I think it needs to be part of a general policy on travel booking and clearly stated “We accommodate physical restrictions including X, Y, Z” and making it part of a general accommodation I think makes it more standard and normalized. Definitely don’t approach individual coworkers.

    Reply ↓
  6. NothappyinNY*

    My employer has a policy of first class travel for anyone who has a BMI over 35 (in addition to trips over 3 hours) or might otherwise not fit in standard seat. It is in travel section of handbook. I am guessing anyone who could not fit in one seat might find this workable, and far easier to book, etc. On a personal note, thanks to Ozemic, I no longer qualify.

    Reply ↓
  7. DawnShadow*

    I dress very casually at work, but if tacking is what I think it is, I leave it in on purpose to distinguish the front of my pants from the back quickly (I wear pants without zippers).

    I would rethink, LW, why you believe you are the only possible authority over someone else’s clothing choices, and what might be going on in your life that you are choosing not to think about so that you can obsess over other peoples’ problems.

    I say this with all compassion as someone who habitually gets very overinvolved emotionally in others’ business, even if it’s only in my own mind, when I have things going on in my personal life that I feel like I can’t face.

    Reply ↓
    1. YetAnotherAnalyst*

      The tacking stitch in question here is intended to temporarily close a split, like at the back of a suit jacket or the hem of a skirt, so that it’s not damaged before it’s sold. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it on pants?

      Reply ↓

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